Category: Sexual Satisfaction

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Has your relationship lost its sexual spark?

Here’s how to bring it back and escape your dry spell

Don’t panic if you’re in a dry spell

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Feel like your relationship is in a rut, sex-wise?

You’re certainly not alone.

When you’ve been in a relationship for a while, it’s natural for your sex life to go through ups and downs.

But when you’re in a low point, things can feel a bit dismal.

A recent survey from Burton Constable Holiday Park (don’t ask us why they’re doing this bit of research, we’re not sure either) found that 22% of respondents said their relationship spark had disappeared.

The number one cause given for this? A lack of physical affection. Perhaps PDA is worth giving a go… or just more physical intimacy at home, if you’re not keen on putting on a display.

Other reasons confessed for a lull included not going on enough dates with their partner, a shortage of communication, and not having enough one-on-one time.

Relationship expert Hayley Quinn suggested that to remedy this issue, couples should go on regular holidays together.*

*Okay, now we understand why a holiday park commissioned this research.

‘I don’t think many couples put the time and effort into reigniting romance, which isn’t a criticism; it’s difficult when you have to deal with life admin,’ says Hayley. ‘Spending time to create romance easily falls to the bottom of the pile.’

While a romantic getaway does sound nice, it’s not your only option for escaping a sexual dry spell.

We chatted with relationship expert and author Lucy Beresford for her wisdom.

Try not to take a dry spell personally

There are so, so many reasons why sex might not be happening as frequently as it used to. Don’t jump to conclusions.

Lucy tells Metro.co.uk: ‘Recognise that sex is complex and may be about stress or lack of confidence on the part of your partner, so less to do with you and how desirable you are.

‘Focus on adoring yourself and treating yourself with love and respect, so that you are not reliant on how your partner feels about you.’

Have an honest conversation

It’s tough when you feel like you’re the only one struggling with your relationship’s lack of sexual passion.

The first step to sorting this out is acknowledging that there’s an issue.

‘The right amount of sex is different for every couple, so start by having conversations about the current situation to find out how your partner feels and to state your own needs gently,’ Lucy says.

‘Make sure you have these conversations when you both have time to give each other space to state your needs and listen to each other, and keep the focus positive and with no judgement or blame.

‘Explore whether your partner feels the lack of sex is because of a non-sexual relationship issue. For example if they feel you’re distracted, not making time for them, or not supporting them emotionally, you both need to work together on that issue first.’

Ditch guilt, blame, and shame

Stop beating yourself up for not having an allnight sex session every other day.

‘Remember that we often make the mistake of believing everyone else – particularly people we see on social media – have the perfect relationship with tons of sex,’ says Lucy. ‘But in truth, many couples haven’t had sex in weeks, months, or even since the pandemic started.

‘Studies show that as many as 15% of couples are suffering from a sexless relationship. So have compassion for all that you and your partner have gone through this past 18 months, and recognise that you are doing the right thing to address this now.’

Check your language

Related to the above, make sure that when you’re chatting with your partner about your sex life, you’re not assigning blame.

Lucy advises: ‘Use ‘I’ phrases (“I have loved it when…”) rather than “you” phrases (‘you never/always…’). This can help avoid your partner feeling attacked or blamed.’

Come up with some action points

Sounds formal, we know, but make a concrete plan of how you’re going to bring back the sexual spark.

Lucy suggests: ‘Examples include making a promise to always kiss before one of you leaves the house or gets back home, or take an evening to just focus on gazing at each other, or stroke each other, to take the pressure of feeling like you have to have full-on penetrative sex.’

Take small steps to get more physical

When you’re going through a dry spell, just initiating sex can feel like an impossible hurdle – especially if you’ve always relied on your partner to get things started.

Get rid of the pressure by focusing on smaller acts of physical intimacy.

‘Skin-on-skin contact, whether it’s kissing, hand-holding, a massage, or stroking, has a hugely beneficial effect on strengthening the bond of affection, without ramping up the expectation that it has to be about sex,’ notes Lucy.

‘Baby steps as you both get back into the rhythm of sexual activity is more important than going straight for full-on intimacy.’

Check in with your own confidence levels

‘Focus on your own body confidence, which may have slipped during the lack of sex,’ Lucy tells us.

Make sure you’re feeling comfortable getting naked, and perhaps have some self-love time to get your self-image back to a healthy place.

Focus on fun

If you’re stressing out about having the ‘right’ amount of mindblowing sex, you’re on the wrong track.

Get rid of the pressure to orgasm – or to even have penetrative sex, if that feels a bit much for you right now.

Instead, challenge yourself and your partner to have some fun, get intimate, and see what feels good – no pressure, no rush.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is there really a major gender mismatch when it comes to the best time to have sex?

When do you prefer to get romantic?

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What’s the best time of day to have sex?

Your answer might depend on your gender – and, if you’re in a heterosexual relationship, you may find it doesn’t match up with your partner’s.

That’s according to a survey that found that the peak time for women is 10pm, right before they go to bed, while men prefer to have sex first thing in the morning, at 7.30am.

As if we didn’t already have enough to contend with when it comes to mismatched sex drives, apparently we also have to navigate a 14-hour difference in the time we’d like to get intimate. Great stuff.

This claimed difference means that, according to the study, 64% of women and 38% of men say they sometimes have sex when they don’t really feel like it.

Jessica Leoni, sex and relationships expert at Illicit Encounters, who commissioned the survey of 2,000 people, said: ‘This new research shows that there are big differences in sex o’clock between the sexes.

‘Men are ready for sex before breakfast, whereas women most want passion last thing at night.

‘This creates big problems for some couples who get out of the habit of having sex regularly and drift apart.’

Jessica goes on to say that this could be the cause of affairs, but as a representative for an an extramarital dating site, she would suggest that.

Rather than throwing our hands up in the air at these findings and declaring ourselves doomed, it’s worth looking a little deeper.

Compromise and working around your schedules is a good approach

For one thing, while the morning may have been chosen as the best time to have sex by the majority of men, that’s only by a tiny margin – 31% of men in the survey picked 6am, while 25% chose between 9pm and 12pm.

That means that women’s ‘peak’ time is men’s very close second choice.

And men’s ‘peak’ time comes in third preferred for women.

We’re not so different after all…

While it’s easy to simplify any differences in the optimal sex time to gender alone – men have morning wood, women like to get cosy before sleep, for example – it feels far more likely that the best time to have sex is very much down to the rest of our schedules.

Yes, perhaps men might tend to be aroused in the morning, but if they have an early start requiring a manic rush from shower to breakfast, that’s likely to take precedence.

Equally, perhaps those who chose 9pm to 12pm as the best time to get romantic did so not because of some kind of internal clock, but because this is the time all the day’s tasks are done and they can actually relax.

The answer, as with so many issues to do with sex and relationships, is likely adapting and comprimising.

The adapting bit will depend on your day-to-day lives. A previous survey by Superdrug found that the most popular times of the week for couples in the UK to have sex are Saturday and Sunday mornings and Friday and Saturday nights – because our schedules change up at the weekends and allow more free time.

It might be worth scheduling sex for times when you know both you and your partner can properly enjoy the moment.

Then, compromise. You might think that 6am on a Tuesday is the best time to have sex, but do you also fancy it at 9pm, which happens to be your other half’s preference?

You might have one ideal time to get some loving, but realistically, your sex drive is unlikely to have a strict time limit. Try out different times and do it when it works for you, rather than holding out for one ascribed ‘peak’.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Talk to Your Partner About What You Want in Bed

— Because Communication Is Sexy

by Olivia Luppino

If you want to have great sex, you’re going to have to speak up. Every person and every sexual relationship is different, so it’s important to be open with your partner about what works best for you. With all the historical stigma surrounding sex, prevailing slut-shaming, and a severe lack of practical education in high school sex-ed, the idea of talking to your partner about sex might feel a bit overwhelming. The good news is, the more you talk about sex with your partner, the easier it will become — and the better the sex will be. Remember that your partner isn’t a mind reader, so being vocal about what feels good is the surest way to improve things in the bedroom. Here’s exactly what you need to know to start conversations about what you want in bed, according to sex experts.

Be Vocal About What You Want

It’s safe to say you probably weren’t taught how to talk about sex, but it’s never too late to learn. If you’ve been avoiding talking about what you want in bed, know that it’s probably your best chance at having more satisfying sex.

“Our partners are not mind readers, as much as we’d like them to be,” said Emily Morse, host of the longest-running sex and relationship podcast, Sex With Emily. “[They] have no way of knowing what we want in bed until we let them know, until we guide them and tell them what we want,” she told POPSUGAR.

By avoiding the conversation, we’re failing to help our partners understand, and we’re failing to advocate for our own pleasure. “Speaking from someone who had plenty of hookups without ever using my words, I thought, ‘Well, it’s one night and I don’t want to seem needy,’ or, ‘I don’t want to seem like I’m too much, so I’m just going to go along with it and feign pleasure, or just be more performative rather than communicative,'” Morse said. “I think a lot of women choose to be performative rather than communicative.”

Though keeping quiet or faking pleasure might seem easier, it’s stopping you from having better sex. The only way to get what you want from your partners, short of some lucky guessing on their behalf, is to talk to them about what you like.

Leave Shame and Guilt at the Door

Growing up, we receive all kinds of cultural messages about sex, often discouraging us from talking about it. Especially if you are a woman, queer, or a person of color, talking about sex and celebrating your sexuality can be looked at as shameful or even dangerous. But the truth is, it is OK to talk about sex, especially to the person you’re having it with. Though your upbringing might make it difficult to talk to your partner about what you want in bed, you can work through these hangups over time.

“There’s so much guilt and shame wrapped up in the silence and in what we don’t say, and that can be debilitating for a lifetime,” Morse said. “The sooner you get comfortable having these conversations [about what you like in bed], it’ll impact your sex life and will impact your quality of life overall, because it’s not just the conversations in the bedroom, it’s conversations everywhere we avoid having.”

In fact, Morse explained that talking about what we like in bed is important “because our sexual health is an important part of our overall health and wellness.” She went on to say that “once we decide that this is something that is a crucial part of our development, then we realize that it’s not just some frivolous ask or [something that] makes us superficial or makes us greedy, and we just realize that it’s actually part of our mental health and well-being.” By prioritizing your sexual well-being and learning to communicate what you do and don’t like, you’ll get better at advocating for yourself both in and outside the bedroom.

Figure Out What You Enjoy

If you’re avoiding talking about sex with your partner because you haven’t had the chance to really discover what you like yet, take the opportunity to get to know yourself better. The solution to this is in your hands — literally.

“I think the reason why we don’t ask for what we want and we don’t talk about it is because we don’t know what we want,” Morse said. “And so that’s why it’s important to really figure out what we want on our own through masturbation and exploration and to really figure out your erogenous zones and what feels good.”

Activist and sex educator Ericka Hart, M.Ed., suggests using a yes/no/maybe list if you’re looking for ways to start exploring yourself sexually. “It gives you copious amounts of examples of different actions — you don’t have to come up with them on your own, nor do you have to be an expert on all things sex-related,” Hart told POPSUGAR.

There are plenty of resources available online that provide the sex education you didn’t receive in school. “Find other resources and tools that sexuality educators, sex therapists, and others in the sexuality field create and make available to support people in feeling affirmed in having conversations about what you want sexually,” Hart said. “There are classes, online webinars, worksheets, local events, you name it, all to fill significant gaps in our often pleasure-averse societal and educational institutions. For example, Afrosexology is a great resource started by two Black femme sexuality educators.”

Practice, Practice, Practice

Especially if you’re anxious to talk to your partner, practice will help. “I think you could practice, you could write it out, you could say it in the shower, practice looking in the mirror,” Morse said. “It helps me before I have any big call or any big meeting. I take 10 really deep breaths. You can hold it for five seconds, exhale for five seconds. I mean, that completely changes your nervous system and helps so much with anxiety.”

Think through what you want to say, and picture how you want the conversation to go. “What’s your goal in this conversation? What do you hope the outcome looks like?” Morse asked. “It’s like visualization, like athletes in the Olympics thinking about their meet ahead of time. So you just visualize it going well, you say, ‘I’m doing this for my sexual health and wellness, I’m doing this to be a better lover to myself and others.'”

Change Your Outlook on 1-Night Stands

Whether it’s a one-night stand or long-term relationship, it’s worth giving your partner guidance so you can fully participate in the pleasure of the experience. Even if you don’t have a long-standing sexual relationship with someone, you can still work on communicating what you like to your partners.

Morse recommends completely rethinking how you look at a one-time sexual encounter. “I think that if you are having a one-night stand, I’d love to reframe this and have it be like, ‘Oh, I don’t know if I’ll see [them] again. I might as well practice,’ because it is a practice of asking for what you want,” Morse said. Instead of thinking that you shouldn’t be overly open since you won’t be seeing them again, flip that narrative on its head and use the fact that you won’t see them again as a way to completely take off the pressure and practice being more vocal than you might be otherwise.

Pick the Right Partner

It takes two to tango, and it also takes two (or more) to talk. A major component of a good conversation is the person you’re having it with. “Far too often, folks might not feel comfortable enough to share without fear of retribution, a negative response on the other end, or others’ judgments or assumptions about what they themselves are willing to do or not do sexually,” Hart said. “One of the most important aspects in any sexual relationship is that you are able to openly share what feels good for you.”

Consider what your dynamic is like with your partner. “Make sure trust is established and that there are clear understandings of consent,” Hart told POPSUGAR. “I would also suggest not having conversations about sexual desires in an aroused state.” Instead, initiate these conversations in a relaxed and comfortable atmosphere outside the bedroom.

Remember that even if you brought up the subject, it’s just as important to listen as it is to speak. “Be present, listen, don’t add your stuff, your judgments,” Hart said. “Share what you’re willing to do or not from their desires.” Additionally, Hart emphasized that “these conversations should not contain pressure, coercion, or manipulation of any sort.”

Remember that a good partner is going to be excited to meet you where you are. “I can’t emphasize enough that the lovers that you want to be with are going to be hopefully heavily invested in and enthusiastic about being there for you,” Morse said.

Talking to your partner about what you want in bed is a great way to improve your sex life, show up for yourself, and show up for your partner. Even if you don’t have a lot of experience doing it, you’ll get better in time, and ultimately so will your sex life. And remember, Hart reminded, “Have fun, and be open to [your] desires changing over time. Nothing is set in stone. Have this conversation often.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Wondering Whether You Should Be Having Sex Daily?

Read This

by Adrienne Santos-Longhurst

The pressure to be having more, more, MORE sex is all around, isn’t it? Seen on the cover of magazines at the checkout line, overheard in the locker room, and even scribbled on the walls of bathroom stalls. But should you be having sex daily?

The only thing you ~should~ do is have solo or multi/partnered sex as much or as little as *you* feel comfortable with.

It depends on who you ask.

Researchers — and some of the general population, it seems — have a very limited definition of sex.

What researchers are typically referring to as sex is usually penis-in-vagina or penis-in-anus penetration. Depending on the nature of the study, oral sex (and sometimes rimming) may be included in the definition.

While these things absolutely can qualify as sex, so can MANY other things, like kissing, touching, solo and mutual masturbation, outercourse, and any other intimate activity that brings a person sexual pleasure.

With so much that can “count” as sex and the incomplete view of what’s typically studied, comparing your sex life to the so-called average is pretty pointless given how flawed the “average” data is.

Turns out that daily sex is not all that common.

According to a 2017 survey, only 4 percent of adults said they were having sex daily. In this survey, sex was referring to “intercourse.”

The number of people masturbating on the daily is higher, according to the 2020 Tenga Self-Pleasure Report. Based on the findings, 13 percent partake in solo play every day.

It’s no secret that sex has numerous benefits for your mental and physical well-being. Individuals and partners can enjoy more of these if they indulge daily.

Let’s get down to the personal and relational benefits of sex.

Personally

Let’s take a look at what science says sex can do for a person.

It can improve sexual function

Looks like practice makes perfect — or at least better — when it comes to sex.

The more sex you have, the better your sexual functioning. This goes for partnered and solo sex, too.

This equates to an easier time having an orgasm and more intense orgasms. Oh yeah!

It can reduce stress and anxiety

Sex and orgasms have been shown to reduce stress and anxiety in human and animal studiesTrusted Source.

That’s because sex can reduce the stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline. It can also release endorphins and oxytocin, which have a relaxing and stress-busting effect.

It can help you sleep better

Who rolls over and falls asleep after getting off? Hint: It’s not just people with penises, according to a 2019 study.

The study found that having an O before bed, either from partnered sex or self-lovin’, helped people fall asleep faster and sleep better.

It can put you in a good mood

Duh, right? Of course sex can put some pep in your step, but there are solid biological reasons for it.

Sex and orgasm can trigger a surge of feel-good hormones, and some research from 2006 suggests that these good feelings last well into the next day.

It can help relieve pain

Why reach for aspirin when you can dance the horizontal mambo with yourself or a partner to relieve pain?

The endorphins and other chemicals released during arousal and orgasm are natural pain relievers that work like opioids. This could explain why sex and orgasm offer quick relief from menstrual cramps, migraine, and headaches for some people.

It can be good for your heart

Sex is good for your heart and not just in a warm and fuzzy way.

Along with lower stress and better sleep, which are good for the heart, sex can also lower blood pressure and counts as mild to moderate exercise, depending on how long and hard you go.

Furthermore, frequent and more satisfying sex has also been linked to a lower risk of heart attack.

Relationally

The personal benefits we just covered translate to relationships, too, along with some partner-specific benefits.

It can bring you closer

They don’t call oxytocin the love hormone for nothing.

Oxytocin has several relationship-enhancing effects. Bonding, affection, and trust are just a few.

It’s released in the early stages of love as well as during all kinds of sexual stimulation. We’re talking kissing and cuddling, nipple stim, and other erogenous play, too.

The benefits for your relationships don’t end with actual sex either, according to a 2017 study of married couples. Turns out that postcoital glow continues for 48 hours after sex and contributes to pair-bonding. The stronger the afterglow, the higher the marital satisfaction.

More sex = more sex

That chemical cocktail released during sex is hella strong and go-ood. So good, in fact, that it leads to wanting more, which is why the more sex you have, the more you and your partner(s) will end up having it.

This is why experts often recommend you not be so quick to say no to sex when your partner(s) is in the mood and you’re not, and why many suggest it as a way to deal with mismatched libidos.

Bonus, pleasuring yourself can also increase your sex drive and make you want to have more sex with your partner(s).

Better sexual functioning

Yes, this was one of the personal benefits listed, but it definitely helps sex with your partner(s), too.

Improved sexual functioning from more sex doesn’t just mean better orgasms, but also things like stronger erections and an increase in vaginal lubrication production, which can make partnered sex better.

A few, but for the most part, as long as sex is consensual, pleasurable, and not having a negative impact on your life, it’s all good.

Personally

If you have sex daily, you’ll want to consider these potential personal drawbacks.

Chafing and other discomfort

Excess friction from all that rubbing/thrusting/vibrating/kissing can leave your skin raw and chafed. Frequent handling of your tender parts is bound to leave your parts, well, tender.

Not only could this put a damper on your daily sex sesh, but chafed skin can also crack and give bacteria a way into the body, increasing your risk of infections.

Urinary tract infections (UTIs)

And speaking of infection, frequent sex of the partnered or solo variety can increase your chances of a UTI.

This is assuming you’re engaging in play that involves your genitals, since your urethra basically sits front and center to the action, which can push bacteria inside.

Not enough time prep or recovery time

Certain sex acts don’t require much in the way of prep or recovery, but others, like, say, anal or aggressive sex, might not be practical or even safe without sufficient time before and after.

This can lead to pain and injuries and put you out of commission for a while.

Sexually transmitted infections (STIs)

If you’re having sex with someone other than yourself, there’s always some risk of contracting or transmitting an STI.

The more often you have sex, the more you increase the odds of contracting one. Regular STI testing and disclosing your results to your partner(s) is key to preventing transmission and a crucial part of overall safer sex practices.

Relationally

If all involved feel good about it and aren’t just going through the motions for the sake of meeting a quota, daily sex can actually be pretty great for your relationship(s). Then again, so is any amount that you’re all happy with.

A 2015 analysis of 30,000 people found that couples who have sex more than once a week are no happier than those that have it just once weekly.

Here’s how to go about getting a daily helping of pleasure without burning yourself or your nether regions out.

Solo practice

Treating yourself to some daily sexy time should be more about pleasure than pressure, so try not to beat yourself up if you don’t make it happen every day.

Try these tips to keep the quality while upping the quantity:

  • Schedule your solo sesh on busy days but be open to rubbing one out outside that time if mood and opportunity happen to line up.
  • Masturbation’s about more than clits and dicks, so show the rest of your body (including your booty!) love, too.
  • Try different strokes to mix things and experiment with tempo and pressure.
  • Use erotic stories and porn for some sexy inspo.
  • Keep things fresh by trying different locations, positions, sex toys, and props.
  • Seduce yourself by setting the mood with candles, music, or a hot bath.

Partner practice

Daily sex can be a little more challenging when you’ve got different schedules and libidos to sync, but it can be done as long as you’re realistic about it.

Try these tips:

  • Broaden your definition of sex to include acts like mutual masturbation, making out, and dry humping to accommodate varying time constraints and energy levels.
  • Keep things interesting with new positions, toys, and props.
  • Schedule sex in your calendars if you have busy or opposite schedules.
  • Keep must-haves like lube and barrier protection stocked so you have them when you need them.
  • Quickies are totes fine but set aside time for some longer sessions and afterglow.
  • Don’t feel pressured or pressure your partner(s) to play if you’re not all totally into it.

Daily sex can be great for your well-being and relationship, as long as your focus isn’t only on frequency. Taking the pressure off and doing what feels good will serve you better than trying to hit some statistical (or perceived) norm.

Like most things in life, quality over quantity is better. If you can have both, well that’s just a nice bonus.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why Consent & Pleasure Go Hand-In-Hand

By Farrah Khan<

At the age of 13, I invented masturbation. Well, in my mind I did. I knew boys masturbated, but I had no idea that girls did too. I thought I was a genius discovering this magical spot on my body that gave me so much joy. It became a way to self-soothe, explore what felt good, and daydream about crushes while reading my mom’s romance novels. But I knew, through overt and covert cues from family, religion, and school, that masturbation was something to keep to myself. It was only in Grade 11, when a girl I was sort of dating confessed that she also did it, that I realized other women were doing it too.

My sex education — and the sex ed that continues to be taught in schools today, nearly 30 years later — skipped over the wonder, curiosity, and exploration about sex. This is especially true for the fear-based, heteronormative lessons taught to girls and young women, who are consistently told there is something inherently wrong, dirty, and shameful about our bodies. And yet, as my 13-year-old self figured out, one of the biggest reasons people want to be sexual is the pursuit of pleasure.

Too often consent is taught as a checkbox — an obstacle a partner needs to get past to gain access to sex.

Today, as a consent and pleasure educator, I teach students what I wish I’d learned growing up: that these two concepts go hand-in-hand and are both keys to a satisfying sexual experience. Too often consent is taught as a checkbox — an obstacle a partner needs to get past to gain access to sex. Consent, of course, is a mandatory part of any sexual experience, and I’m relieved that it is being more widely discussed. However, like sex education in general, it is often focused on avoiding risks, including sexual assault. We need real and practical talk about consent, pleasure, and sex, for safer and more ethical connections. When we move past our tendencies to focus on the mechanics of sexual acts, we set ourselves up to have satisfying sexual and intimate relationships.

That starts with good sex ed, which, for me, means understanding that there is no one-size-fits-all model for sex and intimacy. It involves actively challenging the dominant sexual scripts we are all fed, shaped by our social location, our family, our culture, previous sexual experiences, and the media we consume, including porn. Currently, we are taught heterosexist ideas of how cisgender men and cisgender women are supposed to act — myths that certain bodies are worthy of pleasure, while others are not; that men should always be up for sex, always be the sexual aggressor, and have multiple sexual partners. All while we teach women they should be passive, their pleasure should be predicated on what their partner enjoys, and they should refrain from expressions of sexual desire to ensure that they are never seen as a slut. Furthermore, the sexual experiences of 2SLGBTQIA people like myself are hardly ever included in mainstream sex education.

Wouldn’t it be so much better if our partner said “so we both consented, now what? I want to know what feels good for you and share what feels good to me.” What would our sex lives look like as adults if, from a young age, there were ongoing, honest conversations about pleasure, relationships, sex, and communication? What would it mean for your sex life if you were given the skills to explore what kinds of sexual activity (be it solo or with others) give you pleasure? I believe that these skills would also help us all to feel confident when communicating with our sexual partner(s) that a particular sexual activity doesn’t feel good. We all have the right to pleasure and it’s not a scarce resource, despite what we often hear.

Good sex ed also includes learning about how power operates in sexual relationships. Rarely do we learn about how dominant sexual scripts are built on things like white supremacy, anti-Black racism, misogyny, and capitalism. These scripts can lead some people to believe they can have unfettered access to our bodies, or the expectation that they should never be rejected in their own pursuit of pleasure, regardless of how the other party feels.

We know that sexual assault can take place after someone has initially consented to sexual activity. What if sex education talked about the pleasures of hearing and saying no? Imagine knowing how to deal with being rejected as well as rejecting someone, saying, “not now, no or maybe later.” Imagine knowing how to be a partner that checks in, listens, and responds with care on an ongoing basis. Knowing that it’s okay if someone isn’t attracted to you. That rejection is not about shame or being unlovable — it’s about someone feeling safe enough to say “not this time” or “not ever.” A “no” to you is a “yes” to ourselves, and isn’t that what we want? We want to be with people who we desire and who desire us.

Wouldn’t it be so much better if our partner said “so we both consented, now what? I want to know what feels good for you and share what feels good to me.”

I want us all to have the skills to non-verbally check in with a partner; slow down the pace, stop altogether, look into their eyes, pause to see what they would do next, breathe together, grab a glass of water. I want us all to be well-versed in communicating about what we both want before anything starts, about how we are feeling during a sexual experience, and our aftercare needs — no matter if it’s a one-time hookup or a long-term relationship.

Imagine how much better your relationships would be if you knew how to communicate during sex, not just “slower faster, slower, harder, use two fingers, YES, right there.” But also how to verbally check-in: “What is your favourite way to…; I’m only into this if you are. How are you feeling? It’s okay for us to stop; Is this a good touch for you; Would you like it if we…?; Want to switch it up or slow it down?; Are you into this

Working daily with survivors of sexual violence, I know all too well the importance of checking in with ourselves. I want sexual health information that affirms that we can learn to understand and listen to our bodies, to know what signals our body and mind give us when something feels good. I want us to be able to discern if we are nervous-excited or nervous-scared about an intimate situation. Self-touch, even if it’s not genital-focused, is one way to pay attention to our emotional and physical reactions. This can help us grow to understand our boundaries, work through triggers, and practise being present during sex. For many people including survivors, this can be a safer way to gain sexual confidence in ourselves.

Trusting ourselves is a skill that many of us are told to ignore so that people, including our family members, can have access to us without consent — like pressuring you to hug an uncle despite your misgivings. I want us all to have the ability to give ourselves permission to move away from an unwelcome situation, or an unsafe relationship without fear. What if we create space in education that affirms our bodies and minds to know what we need?

Thirteen-year-old me might not have invented masturbation, but I still consider myself a genius for realizing that pleasure was something I had a right to. Even if it took decades to recognize that there is nothing to be ashamed of in pursuing it.

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The Sex Educators Helping Muslim Women Claim Their Sexuality

By Hafsa Lodi

‘Orgasm’ and ‘Islam‘ are two words you don’t typically see together. I never thought I’d use them in the same sentence and certainly never imagined I’d have the guts to write publicly about sex. It just isn’t something you talk about as a Muslim, especially if you’re female.

And so I can’t help but do a double take when I see the O word used colloquially by female Muslim personalities on social media. A post on @villageauntie’s Instagram states: “My orgasm is not optional.” “Orgasm is one part of a spectrum of sexual pleasure that Allah has created our bodies to experience,” reads a caption by @sexualhealthformuslims. Both platforms are treasure troves of advice, insight and tips tailored for Muslims – invitations to not-so-secret social media networks that work to remove stigma and democratise faith-based discussions about sex.

An Instagram poll of 615 Muslims revealed that growing up, only 9% had any sort of sex ed from a religious framework. Yemeni-British musician Noha Al-Maghafi, known as Intibint, recalls living in Yemen and being instructed to rip out the pages on reproduction from her science book in Year 6. In Year 9, her biology teacher gave her girls’ class a covert lesson on sex ahead of some students’ impending weddings. For other Muslim women, sex ed may amount to a whisper from their mother ahead of their wedding night, reminding them to shower afterwards to purify themselves. What happens in between is often pieced together from gossip, magazines, movies and television shows.

Intentions to shelter young Muslims from education about sex might be well-meaning – an extension of protecting their chastity and overall naivety – but there are far-reaching consequences to promoting this sort of ignorance. Lack of awareness and education about sex can lead to a fear of intimacy, unbalanced sexual roles, unenjoyable sex and, in extreme cases, marital rape. Thankfully, there is a movement brewing to demystify sexual education for Muslims, driven largely by women on social media who are speaking openly about sex. Discussing topics like consent, fertility, ejaculation and orgasms, their guidance is imbued with religious language and emphasises the equality of genders in sexual intimacy.

Sameera Qureshi of @sexualhealthformuslims is an occupational therapist and sexual health educator whose teachings are grounded in Islamic spirituality. A decade ago she was helping Muslim immigrants to acclimatise to Canadian society. Upon realising that sexual health wasn’t being addressed in Islamic schools, she helped to develop and facilitate an “Islamically oriented curriculum” for sexual health. “I just thought, How can we not bring Islam into this, it’s a part of our life,” she explains. Fast-forward to 2021 and Qureshi now offers consultation services, teaches courses and provides free, informative content through her platform. “There are just too many restrictions for Muslims to get this information, and what better way to do it [than] through social media and online courses? Nothing like this exists in terms of there being a journey in sex ed for Muslims – everything is very scattered and piecemeal,” she says.

Angelica Lindsey-Ali (known by her social media moniker, Village Auntie) is an intimacy and relationships expert in America who began discussing sex with groups of Muslim women while living in Saudi Arabia and now offers courses through her Village Auntie Institute. “My work lies at the intersection of the sacred and the sacral – so I like to talk about spirituality while using sex as a framework to have those discussions,” she explains. “Everything I do is focused on women. I’m not really interested in male perspectives just because I think that we’ve been overwrought with male perceptions about sexuality and the female body.”

Orthodox Muslim positions on sex have been interpreted and passed down primarily by men, so seeing Muslim spokeswomen striving to change the narratives around sex in Muslim communities is quite revolutionary. However it isn’t only women who are lifting the veil on sexual awareness and empowerment. Habeeb Akande is a UK-based Muslim historian, sex educator and author of seven books, including A Taste of Honey: Sexuality and Erotology in Islam. To celebrate International Female Orgasm Day on 8th August, he hosted a webinar for men to learn about female pleasure. “I’m passionate about female sensuality and aim to close the gender orgasm gap,” he says. “I believe every man should know how to help a woman climax until she is truly satisfied, and that every woman should understand her body and feel entitled to pleasure from her man.”

Exuding charisma and approachability, these educators are in stark contrast to the often fear-based ‘religious’ sexual discourse, rife with foreboding words like ‘impure’ and ‘haram’ (forbidden), which can perpetuate a cycle of shame. The little information that does seep through the cracks of censorship is often patriarchal, emphasising men’s active role and women’s passivity. “A lot of Muslim scholars incorrectly understand sexual response,” says Qureshi. “They often talk about males having ‘really strong, sexual drives’ and unfortunately this gets relegated to mean that men have no control over their sexual desire, that when they’re aroused, they need sex and that it’s the role of the woman to satisfy that in marriage – not vice versa. This creates an environment that’s very inequitable for sexual pleasure in marriage.”

Conversely, many Muslims emphasise the egalitarianism of the Quran’s message, which refers to spouses as ‘garments’ for one another. Akande points out that in several of his sermons, the Prophet Muhammad urged men to treat women well, which includes being affectionate and providing financial support, sexual fulfilment and emotional security. “Sadly, many women have been raised to believe their body belongs to their father or husband,” he says. “Some even incorrectly believe that Islam permits a man to force himself on his wife and that ‘good women’ do not initiate intimacy with their husbands.” The misconception that sex is just for men needs to be dispelled, believes Akande; in Islam, women have just as much right as men to sexual pleasure. “It is also important to debunk myths regarding male sexual entitlement as some Muslims erroneously believe consent does not exist in marriage,” he adds, explaining that these attitudes stem from cultural understandings and are not aligned with Islamic values. “Oftentimes people conflate Islam with culture, and Islamic teachings with Muslim practices.”

When Akande travelled to Egypt to study Arabic and Islamic law at Cairo’s Al Azhar University, he came across numerous ‘sex manuals’ written by male Islamic scholars – findings that he believes would surprise many Muslims today. “Erotic texts such as Encyclopaedia of Pleasure by Jawami’ Al-Ladhdha and The Perfumed Garden by Al-Rawd Al-Atir emphasised the sexual needs of women and female romantic fulfilment for a pleasurable marital relationship,” he explains, adding that “sexually empowered women have long existed in Islam but their stories are often untold.”

Lifting the lid on this suppression of perspectives is the groundbreaking work of these Muslim ‘sexperts’ and social media has been instrumental in spreading their messages. “It has been one of my best tools for community generation because I can reach those women who live in places where I may never actually get a chance to visit,” says Lindsey-Ali. Muslims can turn to these educators with questions that they feel unable to ask their parents, teachers or spouses and will be met with refreshing responses presented in relatable Instagram posts – from Qureshi’s “Debunking myths about the hymen” and “Muslims and masturbation: a ‘touchy’ subject” to Lindsey-Ali’s “How to improve your stroke game” and “Tips for husbands maximising the possibility of female ejaculation”.

Because these educators’ approaches are rooted in religious beliefs, their teachings are intended for sex within marriage. Akande, however, offers advice for non-married Muslims struggling with desire and lists questions for them to ask potential spouses about sexual compatibility. Qureshi, meanwhile, plans on launching a pre-marital workshop about intimacy later this summer. She also believes that unmarried Muslims can benefit from following her platform. “I’m well aware that there are Muslims engaging in sex before marriage and they’re not doing so with best practices,” she says, adding that she follows a “harm reduction-based” approach which aims to minimise the health and social impacts of a practice without necessarily requiring one to abstain from it. “I’m not here to tell you what to believe, I’m someone who wants to expand the conversation and bring forward perspectives that we haven’t been exposed to, because Allah gave us intellect and we’re ultimately responsible for our decisions,” says Qureshi.

Using their public platforms to discuss topics traditionally relegated to the private sphere has brought some backlash from more conservative critics. Lindsey-Ali has a handful of messages from “creeps” in her inbox and has been told that she will “go to Hell” and Akande has been told that his work is “very inappropriate”. Nonetheless, the increasing number of clients, subscribers, readers and followers is testament to the high demand for their services, and these experts hope this is the beginning of a collective revival of candour when it comes to Muslims and sex. Female sex educator Dr Shaakira Abdullah, who goes by @thehalalsexpert on Instagram, is targeting future generations of Muslims and offers ‘halal sex talks’ courses for parents seeking to discuss sex openly with their children while “keeping them connected to God”.

“Sexually empowered women have long existed in Islam but their stories are often untold. — Habeeb Akande”

From a truly religious standpoint, the work of these educators is hardly radical or rebellious – they are calling for Muslims to return to the foundations of the faith and distinguish religious ethics and values from the patriarchal cultures which have clouded them. Qureshi points out that Islam, as a religion, has been colonised over the past couple of hundred years and that many Muslims have reacted with very purist interpretations. “Going back to our tradition, if we learn about the nature of what it means to be a Muslim and we really expand that to an internal journey, I think the remedy is there,” she says. “Sexual education to some folks seems really minute but if you look at our scripture, it’s a huge topic with so much sacredness.”

The sacredness of womanhood remains a focal point for Lindsey-Ali, who believes that a profound confidence in their faith is driving Muslim women’s spiritual reawakening to their rights in the bedroom. “I think women are going back and looking at the Quran and Islamic texts and saying, ‘Does it really say that?’ and trying to unearth the true teachings of Islam,” she says. In the process they’re learning some valuable lessons, like “My pleasure is just as important as his”.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How To Practice ‘Sexual Framing’ To Get in the Mood Using Just Your Mind

By Erica Sloan

Having an orgasm is inherently physical in nature, but the mind also plays a profound role in the event. In fact, there’s an entire facet of the experience that happens within a region of the brain called the genital sensory cortex (aka brain crotch), which you can activate with focused mindfulness. Way before you reach orgasm, though, your mental state plays a critical role in the lead-up to sex that involves getting turned on. To zero in on that arousal-boosting mindset, you might consider tapping the psychological concept of framing.

“Framing is all about context or how something is portrayed or presented,” says neuroscientist and sex therapist Nan Wise, PhD.  Typically, this concept is applied to gambling and the frames of mind that make us more or less likely to be risk-averse or risk-cautious. The probability and even the outcome of a situation could be the same in multiple frames, but depending on the way your brain perceives the situation at its onset—that is, the particular frame that’s used—you could act differently.

When applied to a sexual scenario, framing can set you up for arousal by shifting your mind toward a positive outcome to follow. To practice it, though, you’ll need to first address your current frame of mind (whether that’s stressed-out, anxious, or perfectly calm), as well as how you frame sexuality on the whole.

“We’re all conditioned to view our sexuality in different ways based on the set of sexual experiences we’ve had, as well as the cultural, religious, and media messaging around sex,” says Dr. Wise. “So, your first step is to recognize how exactly you’ve internalized all of that in terms of your sexual approach.” Next, shift your mindset into a conducive-for-sex zone, with the help Dr. Wise’s top brain-focused tips, outlined below.

4 ways to use positive sexual framing for arousal, according to a neuroscientist:

1. Visualize sex as an embodied experience.

Think about sex as utterly sensational—in the most literal sense, as satisfying and enjoyable sensations within your body. “We’re so relational in the world, thinking about how we appear to others and how we can take care of other people,” says Dr. Wise. “But in terms of sex, it’s helpful to view it from the outside in.”

To do that, tune into your body before you dive into any kind of sexual act, and do a quick scan. Ask yourself: What’s happening in my body right now? What feels good and what doesn’t? This type of check-in can allow you to be more physically present in the space—and in turn, help you tune into the physicality of a sexual partner, too (if you’re participating in partnered play, that is).

2. Listen to audio erotica.

While visual porn can certainly move you into a sexual mindset, audio erotica is likewise able to facilitate this, but without shifting you out of your own physical space. Essentially, without viewing other people performing sex acts in distant settings, you may be better able to stay focused on your own body and presence. But at the same time, the sex-based language of audio erotica can create an arousing, sex-positive springboard from which your mind can naturally jump to sexual fantasies of your own.

3. Practice body-focused affirmations.

The words we say to ourselves are powerful when it comes to sexual framing, and centering those words on the bodily experience of sex—as opposed to results, outcomes, or the potential perceptions of others—can help return your mind to the physical sensations at hand.

For example, if you’re engaging in foreplay, recognize and identify what you’re feeling and what you enjoy, making a mental (or, heck, verbal) statement of it. Some examples include: “I love how I feel strong or flexible,” or “I like how this part of my body feels,” or “I love what my body can do for me.”

4. Use language that mirrors your—or your partner’s—‘erotic footprint.’

There are tons of different ways to get turned on, and some will resonate more for you than others. If you consider the general pattern or trend of actions that turn you on—what Dr. Wise calls your “erotic footprint”—you can more easily access language that’ll be effective for sexual framing. And this applies to a partner, as well, if you’re aiming to gently shift their frame of mind toward sex, too.

“Speaking a partner’s language can help you both get aroused,” says Dr. Wise. “For example, if they appreciate sentimentality and soulfulness, you could say, ‘I love to gaze into your eyes,’ or if they’re excited by adventure, maybe it’s something like, ‘What are your fantasies? I want to explore those with you.’” What’s more, these statements can help you feel more intimately connected to a partner from the jump—which is a sexual frame of mind, in and of itself.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is it time to explore the benefits of sex journalling?

By Lucy Tomeka

For quite the conservative society that we live in, allow me to be a little unconventional and ask; why is sex talk such a taboo? Even amongst married couples and those in long-term relationships, this tends to be a hush-hush conversation, only to be held in certain confinements.

I recently watched a hit series on Netflix called Sex Life and boy did that get me thinking. And before you label me naughty and whatever else prejudicial judgement popped up, I simply mean it gave me an idea that may help us and those coming after us get out of the funk we at times find ourselves in, especially long-term partners.

This part of our lives that we’d rather blissfully not talk about is one that causes way too many rifts so it then hit me, why not do what I do best when I can’t talk? Why not write down your thoughts? We have all gone through the journalling phase as we grew up.

However, much like those very personal inputs you guarded with your life back then, why not try a sex journal in your adulthood?

What is a sex journal you ask?

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Sex journalling is just that: journalling with a focus on your sex life, your sexuality, and whatever else that means to you. There are no rules while doing it and you get to decide the tone, what to track and when, with whom to share it with, and ultimately, how to integrate your findings into your sex life.

We may want to have all the control over many things including our sex life, but like many things in life, our pleasure will rise and fall according to what nature dictates. Some days you are on cloud erotica, while on other days your body simply refuses to cooperate.

If you’re open to the process, a sex journal can help you reflect on your experiences, desires, and fantasies. That way, you know exactly what tickles your fancy. “I would keep one because I’d like to refer to it when I want to spice things up and also because it sounds like something I would enjoy doing,” says Nikki Kassim, a local businesswoman.

A safe space

I bet you thought I would get into the ins and out of sex but I would much rather explore the benefits and ways of creating a safe, secure and comfortable environment for you and your spouse or partner and maybe just for yourself, to understand yourselves better.

This could range from anything about preferences, places, fantasies, no-go areas, vulnerabilities, and any other thing that makes you tick.

It is not purely negative or positive that you only put in the best and worst experiences; rather it is your safe place to put down all that concerns your body and mind.

For example, women are in large ruled by hormones throughout the month. We have high and happy days, cool, calm and collected days and we have days that even the devil himself wouldn’t try us. Based on my little yet ever-evolving understanding of the female species, I have come to appreciate just how helpful a sex journal would be.

“Sex communication affects individuals in both positive and negative depending with their personalities and orientations,” explains Mr Justus August, an Applied Psychologist for Hatua Therapies & Consultancy in Tanzania.

“For introverted individuals, they tend to find it difficult to communicate their desires or dislikes about sex openly and as a result when forced or ought to communicate, this lowers their self-esteem which will directly affect their feelings when it comes to sex,” he says.

“For extroverted individuals it is likely to affect them positively if they have extroverted partners. A sex journal may prove beneficial to some people but this is subject to culture as sex is to some extent guided by cultural principles.”

Deep seated conditioning

Opening up to having a conversation about sex leaves one feeling vulnerable and exposed. This I attribute largely to the deep seated cultural, traditional and religious conditioning.

For many, it is either religion guides you to do this and culture or tradition guides you to do that; but when it comes to not talking about sex, these factors somehow find symphony and merge into one guide.

Men, unlike women, rarely have the sex talk or at least to the degree that the girl child is taught. Women are taught in kitchen parties and have all sorts of racy conversations at saloons but men don’t have similar platforms.

“I think sex miscommunication affects individuals in a sense that most of them end up feeling trapped in a cave that they cannot get out of and for men it’s even worse and is one of the reasons that lead to infidelity and people deciding to try things out with partners outside of their relationships,” says Michael Baruti, host of Men, Men, Men, The Podcast.

“Since talking about sex is a taboo even in adult relationships, the failure to explore what you and partner both want just because you can’t communicate about it might be very detrimental for any relationship,” he adds.

Many of these relationships end up in a funk, stagnant with couples being sexually bored and some find alternative ways to deal with their boredom and dissatisfactory situations.

Journal your way into a sexscapade

In the Netflix series, Sex Life; the young wife and mother of two, finds herself sexually frustrated with a less than attentive husband. Even though her life is the stuff of jealousy and she has all the money, time and luxury she could want, she feels her life still lacks something.

She then begins to journal her past experiences and one day, after being so exhausted with mother duties, forgets to shut down her laptop as she went to put the baby down and fell asleep as well.

When she came downstairs in the morning, she was horrified to find that her husband had read her entries. He however surprised her and used it as a manual to better their sex life.

The beauty about this series was that it is based on the true story and events of author B.B. Easton in her memoir, ‘44 Chapters About 4 Men.’

There are plenty of benefits from owning a sex journal. Some may be long-term, short-term while others are mutually beneficial for both you and your partner.

You learn more about your sex drive

By tracking your sex life, you can be able to see the patterns that influence your decisions in the bedroom.

A sex journal can help you process your experiences

Very few of us spend hours us thinking about our sexuality and what we enjoy. True, lots of people spend hours fantasizing, but most of us don’t think about our sex lives in non-sexual, introspective ways. Having a sex journal gives you that push.

When you write these things down, you can contextualise emotions and put things into perspectives.

Sex journalling might make it easier to communicate with your partner

Many women are coy on sex matters if the tens of posts I have come across on various social media platforms are anything to go by. You are thinking, “If I tell him that I don’t like it this way, it may cause a rift between us.” For peace to reign, you play the pretence card.

By keeping a sex journal, like our lead from Sex Life, you leave a subtle invitation to your partner to learn more about you and your body. For openness, it is best that both of you keep the journal and exchange notes. That way, it is a win-win situation.

A sex journal prompts you to think of new things

You review your journal, but then you note that in many entries the pattern is leaning in one direction. Boring, right? A sex journal is your rescue. Because by noting the patterns, you can spice things.

Mental clarity

Now more than ever, at the advice of counselors and therapists, many individuals are warming back to journalling.

Journalling for some, myself included, has been stress relieving and helps put down things and thoughts that you may otherwise forget. This will help you keep track all toxic traits and other behaviours you may want to change and may also give you something positive to look back on and pat yourself on the back for in terms of growth and advancement.

Those mental health benefits go far beyond your brain. Studies show that reducing intrusive thoughts, ditching toxic, self-deprecating habits, and controlling stress can all improve your libido and help you connect deeper with your partner.

Helps you track traits

Moreover, journalling can help you become more self-aware and pinpoint unhealthy patterns that may be negatively impacting your sex life, such as the partners you’re choosing, the boundaries you’re setting or lack thereof, insecurities you might have, and so on.

If you have a tendency to project past insecurities onto new people, a sex journal will definitely help you pinpoint these weak spots and that state of vulnerability just might be the turn the page you so desperately need to break out of that cycle.

Wondering where to start?

Incase by now you have decided to give this absolutely crazy idea a chance but you are still unsure of how to go about it, here are a few questions that could guide you;

• How was your last sexual experience? How was it different from your first experience?

• What were you taught about sex as you grew up? What did you not know that you feel you needed to know?

• What are your arousal levels during different times of your menstrual cycle?

• What are your arousal levels compared to your stress levels and mental health?

• How present did you feel in your body?

• Were there any emotional or physical blocks that you noticed? How deeply are they connected to your upbringing?

• What acts are you currently curious or fantasizing about?

• What struggles have you had with your sexuality?

As era evolves into the next era, there are lessons we need to be adept at teaching our young ones because burying our heads in the sand simply means that the world will do the teaching for us and if our experiences are anything to go by, the world isn’t such a kind teacher.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why is maintenance sex such a complex issue?

The vulgarity of maintenance sex will vary depending on how you take it to play out

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Maintenance sex is when someone puts out for their partner, particularly in long-term relationships, at times they don’t feel like being sexual.

Though ungendered in definition, the idea is usually put to women – have a quick Google of the term and you’ll see it recommended to women as a strategy to keep a marriage going.

It’s an old term that has come back into the spotlight after model Caprice said she does this with her husband.

Speaking to OK! Magazine, she said: ‘You can’t say, “I’m tired” or “I have a headache” – no! Take one for the team, because it’s between five to 10 minutes of your life.’

Since then, plenty of people have shared opinions on the matter and comment sections are a mix of men who agree with this, and others raising issue with the concept.

Maintenance sex touches on the fringes of many other big societal issues: gender politics, gender stereotypes and consent.

Due to this, we need to look at the nuances and complications around it – what maintenance sex means to one person will mean something else to another.

Psychosexual and relationship therapist Ammanda Major, who works for Relate, a charity providing relationship support, says many couples engage in maintenance sex. It’s a common issue sex therapists will come across.

She says: ‘People have sex for all sorts of reasons and there are lots of ways of being sexual with a partner.

‘For some it’s to have that orgasmic experience, but for many people it’s that closeness, that bonding.’

Sometimes that’s what maintenance sex is about, finding the connection rather than an orgasm.

Ammanda adds: ‘For most couples that have been together a long time, they report just cuddling up to someone and seeing what happens without the the clear intention of becoming necessarily sexual.’

A lot of sexual response is based on receiving an advance, even if the person wasn’t aroused before.

Often in a long-term relationship sex is a matter of ‘getting things started’, with one person initiating and foreplay getting the other person in the mood.

This is the side of maintenance sex that many couples will resonate with – but there are concerns around the idea of having sex when you’re not initially keen.

‘The key thing is not to be pressurised or do it because if you don’t your partner will sulk, become controlling or abusive in some way,’ Ammanda says.

‘If it makes you feel bad about yourself, don’t do it to yourself. If it makes you feel bad, then that’s telling you something.’

Dr Audrey Tang, psychologist and author, reiterates this point, telling us that sex when a partner isn’t sure or doesn’t feel like it is not something to be celebrated.

‘Sex is often one of the most loving, intimate acts you can share with someone,’ she notes.

‘It is something that is rewarding for all parties involved, because of the emotional and physical connection.  

‘When you change the narrative to where this beautiful gift of the self is offered “to keep someone in a relationship”, this devalues not only the act, but worse, your personal value, likely eroding your self worth with it. 

‘If someone is expecting you to “put out” in order to remain in a relationship with you, the question is not “Should I do it?” but rather “Do I even want that sort of energy in my life?”‘

Another issue that comes up when we talk about maintenance sex is the notion that this is a woman’s duty, because, so goes the stereotype, men want to have sex and women aren’t fussed.

Women have long been told they want less sex than men, and that their sexual desire isn’t a priority.

In practice, maintenance sex and fluctuating libidos are experience by all genders, regardless of sexual orientation.

So how do you navigate having a different sex drive to your partner? Is maintenance sex the answer?

Ammanda says communication is the only way you’re going to make true headway in the issue. An occassional maintenance sex session can be okay, but if you’re regularly feeling like you have to have sex, whether because your sex drives are mismatched or you’re not feeling loved up, that’s a larger issue that needs to be tackled.

‘Bear in mind sex drive levels change – we tend to talk a lot about how that’s a very static piece in a relationship, but actually for many couples it’s something that fluctuates and varies over time,’ she explains. ‘It swaps around – many men will report a lack of sex drive.

‘The key thing is to take away the sense of shame some couples have, either for wanting to have lots of sex or for not wanting to.

‘A lot of this comes down to developing good communication between the couple.’

Nurturing trust and respect will make these conversations flow easier, and therapy can be a good route to find a middle ground.

‘Historically you had to get the person with the lower sex drive up,’ Ammanda says, but this isn’t your only option.

Finding a compromise that fulfils both parties sexually is the best way couples can deal with unequal sexual drives, but the difference can also be a fair reason to end a relationship if it’s making either side unhappy.

Amanda says to figure out what sex means to you both and what you individually want from it, then go from there.

Most importantly: ‘Don’t do anything you don’t actively want to do.’

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Keeping a mindful sex journal can completely transform your sex life

By Tanyel Mustafa

Sex/Life is our latest Netflix show craze, and it’s got us thinking more about… ahem… our sex lives. There are plenty of ways to enhance yours – be it through toys or new positions – but how do you know what’s actually working best for you? This is where a sex diary can help. No, seriously – hear us out.

Maybe you’re in a relationship and after the initial buzz of lockdown sex died down (come on, what else did we have to do in quarantine?, your sex life has a got a little less exciting. Or maybe things with your SO are seriously longterm, and you’re looking for a way to spice things up. And even if you’re looking to document your own solo pleasure, there’s benefits here too in keeping a sex diary.

Ultimately, it’s for your own enjoyment and to get better acquainted with how you feel about your sex life. Here’s what you need to know.

Why should you keep a sex journal?

Journaling is often recommended as a way to go inwards, self-reflect or even to let worries and situations go. Depending on how you feel about your sex life, a journal can be a good way to do these things.

It might seem weird at first, given that the main window we have for talking about sex is drunkenly with a trusted friend, but think about how freeing it could be. How often do you share the nitty gritty details of your sex life? Let’s be real, real sex rarely is the way it looks on our screens (including you, Sex/Life). It’s easy to feel like your experiences aren’t “normal”, whatever that actually means.

Kate Moyle, sex and relationship expert at sexual wellness brand LELO tells us: “Journaling is a commonly used tool in therapy for externalising, building self-awareness and helping to reflect on experiences, thoughts and feelings.

“Writing to yourself in this way can also highlight to you where you might be placing certain judgements, assumptions or ideas, which when it comes to sex can have a really big impact on our sex lives and experiences. Writing them down either in the moment or returning to then can really highlight some of both the internal and external factors which might be impacting us sexually.”

A journal is a private way to dissect these thoughts, which might even make talking about them later with your partner or friend easier. Or just keep it for yourself – in a fun way, it’ll be like a little log of your sexual adventures.

Are their benefits for single people, too?

We’ve spent the last year in isolation, and for some single people, the idea of getting back out there sexually will be daunting. Kate says journaling can help you process your thoughts around sex, as well as the act itself.

“Processing, externalising and exploring our thoughts and feelings, particularly when it comes to sex which we might feel is more challenging to discuss with others, can give us a chance to work out where we are at and how we’re doing. We can get so caught up in the moment when it comes to sex, that we may need a bit of space in order to do this properly which sex can offer.

“How you use a sex journal is unique to you – it’s not prescriptive. For others it can also offer a form of self sex education, learning about themselves and what they like and don’t like in a way which doesn’t necessarily involve a partner,” she explains.

So, how do you start?

“Whenever you want to,” Kate says, but warns to not go in “immediately after sex as you also have your partner and their thoughts and feelings to respond to”. Doing this could create anxieties in them about what you’re writing – not ideal.

What should you keep in mind while writing?

The act of journaling is meant to be helpful in essence, rather than being yet another tool to self-criticise.

Kate says: “The aim of this type of journalling is not about judging performance or a way of assessing yourself, it’s a means of reflecting and being able to self-learn and process. Sex is a subjective experience but for too long we have been looking for objective ways to try and measure it to see how we are doing – and this is what journaling shouldn’t be about.

“It might be helpful to notice how you feel writing, and what comes up for you and to learn what’s working for you sexually and what isn’t. This isn’t just in terms of physically what you are doing but emotionally and psychologically where you’re at.

Should you look back over it?

That’s entirely down to you and will differ depending on how you’re using the journal. Some people won’t want to look back, others might even find some enjoyment in doing so.

As long as you’re using the journal in an uncompetitive way and as a “tool for learning”, Kate says it’ll likely help your sexual wellness. “When we feel that we know more, it can contribute to feeling more confident and when it comes to our sex lives this can be really positive,” Kate says.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How To Know When To Walk Away From A Sexless Marriage

by Jessa Zimmerman, M.A.

One of the top issues that present in couples and sex therapy is a difference in levels of sexual desire. A discrepancy in desire is normal, but sometimes couples will struggle with conflict or avoidance around sex if they don’t manage that difference together. Sexless marriage, generally defined as having sex fewer than 10 times a year, is the extreme result of difficulty navigating sexual interest between two people.

A sexless marriage may be grounds for divorce for some people, depending on how important sex is to them and how much work has been put into solving the issue as a couple. Some couples rarely or never have sex, and both people are totally fine with that. There is no “normal” or “healthy” level of sexual desire or activity, so if it’s working for both people, there’s nothing to change or worry about. In a relationship where at least one person is unhappy with the lack of sex, there are many steps you can take to address undesired sexlessness within the marriage first before turning to divorce. As with so many other reasons to end a marriage, it’s worth trying to improve it first.

First and foremost, it’s important to consider the reasons for the lack of sex. If one person has become ill, disabled, or otherwise unable to be physically intimate, that’s very different from your partner being unwilling to engage with you sexually. Changes in sexual functioning can still allow physical intimacy, even if it doesn’t look like it used to. You may need to reevaluate your definition of what constitutes sex: If you only think about sex as being intercourse or penetrative sex, you are limiting the many types of sexual experiences you two could be enjoying together. Relatedly, the changes we face as we age and weather may mean we have to adjust our expectations. Those losses certainly should be grieved, but they can also be tolerated and supplemented with other satisfying sexual experiences.

You should also consider how the lack of sex in your marriage is related to other issues between you. When couples struggle to be kind to and supportive of one another, when their communication is dripping with criticism or contempt, or when they are gridlocked over other significant topics in their lives, it’s common to not want to have sex. If you’ve got other significant areas you have to address, do that work before you assess your sex life. Making changes to improve your overall relationship health usually has to happen before sexual intimacy can be created in a relationship.

Sexless marriage divorce rate.

There is no concrete statistic on how many people divorce because of a lack of sex in their marriage. A 2017 study of U.S. General Social Survey data from 2002 found 16% of married couples were in a sexless marriage (no sex in the past year). A 2018 survey that found over one in four relationships are sexless. We don’t know specifically what percentage of these couples were unhappy with the lack of sex, however. We also know that about 50% of marriages end in divorce. But so far, there is no study that ties these stats together.

Even if we did have a study showing how many couples got divorced due to a sexless marriage, we’d have a hard time knowing whether sex was really the issue—or just a symptom of other problems. I can say that lack of sex shows up in my therapy practice regularly, and couples often wonder whether their relationship can survive if that doesn’t change. Many people are certainly considering divorce.

When to walk away from a sexless marriage:

1. Your partner refuses to work through this issue with you.

There are so many obstacles to sex in a relationship, so there are many things you may need to talk about and change in order to create a sex life that you can both enjoy. Before considering divorce, you should bring up your concerns to your partner, have an earnest conversation about what’s in the way, and see how you can work as a team to address the issue. There is a lot you can do toward improving a sex life with your partner, but it does take both of you to step up to the table and address what needs to change.

Before you conclude that your partner isn’t willing to help, make sure that you have done everything you can on your side of the court. Bring up your concerns in a collaborative way, without blaming and shaming. You can support a partner with lower libido simply by being willing to explore how you are contributing to roadblocks for your partner. Have true curiosity about how sex could work better for them and what they need to access or cultivate their own desire for sex. Approach sex like it’s play rather than having specific goals and outcome that could set you both up for failure.

If you’ve been doing all of this, and your partner still refuses to talk about it and won’t be a collaborative teammate with you in creating physical intimacy in your relationship, it could be time to leave.

2. Your relationship issues are so big that there are other reasons to divorce.

Lack of sex in a relationship can be a symptom of other significant issues. In that case, it’s the other issues that really create grounds for divorce, if you can’t work through them.

For example, if the two of you have toxic communication cycles, including blame, shame, criticism, gaslighting, or abuse, that can nix your sex life—and bring your marriage to its end. Likewise, if you can’t get on the same page about money or parenting, you may not be able to save your marriage. If you have power struggles, infidelity, lying, or cruelty, your relationship may not survive. In all these examples, your issues go way deeper than the lack of sex in your marriage. If they aren’t addressed and changed, you may very well decide to leave your marriage.

3. Your sexual interests are so different that there are not ways to enjoy sex together, and you don’t agree to find another way to explore those interests.

Sometimes couples have what we call an “erotic conflict.” Each person has things that turn them on, a vision of the kind of sex they want to have and with whom. Sometimes, what we want is mutually exclusive with the desires of our partner. For example, if one person is kinky and that is a turnoff for their partner, they may struggle to find sex they can share and enjoy. Likewise, a person’s sexual orientation could get in the way—if they are not attracted to the gender of their partner.

In sex therapy, I am always trying to help couples find the overlap in their desires (think of a Venn diagram), but occasionally there is none. Some couples decide to address this by using fantasy and masturbation while staying married. Others decide to implement some type of open marriage in which they can meet their needs outside the relationship but remain married. But if those options aren’t desirable, you may decide to divorce over this lack of sexual compatibility.

Can a sexless marriage survive?

Yes. If you love your partner and you value your relationship, there are ways to address the lack of sex between the two of you as long as you’re both willing to work together. We are inundated with messages that sex should come naturally and that something must be very wrong with our relationship if we are having a hard time in the bedroom. But the truth is that it’s common, almost universal, to struggle with sex at some point over the course of a relationship. These difficulties present an opportunity to address issues, to talk to our partner with openness, and to recreate your relationship and sex life to suit you now.

Lack of sex is usually a symptom of other things. Sexual desire changes over time, and especially when it comes to sex in long-term relationships, having different levels of desire is normal. Things change in our lives in ways that make our sex life more difficult. All of these are normal and common experiences.

If you want to stay in your marriage and enjoy a sex life together, you can step into the work it takes to make that happen—and invite your partner to do the same. You’re not alone in these struggles, and your relationship doesn’t have to end—unless you truly face irreconcilable differences.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Low Sex Drive?

6 Simple Home Remedies to Consider

By Grace Murphy

If your sex life has gotten boring or you are not getting as much action in the bedroom as you and your partner might like these days, the good news is that there are several things that you can do in your everyday life to improve your libido and make sex with your partner more enjoyable. The libido is just another name for your sex drive or sexual desire, and there are various different internal and external factors that can impact it, from your hormone levels to the amount of sleep you are getting, the type of foods that you eat, and the activities that you and your partner take part in together. If you want to enjoy a better sex life, here are some natural remedies that are worth considering.

Try Adult Chat and Videos

You could potentially look into adult chat sites to spice things up with your partner and have some fun trying something new together. Babestation Cams offer adult chat that you can enjoy together with sex cam live options that are sure to help you get in the mood. Sometimes, bringing pornography into your relationship can be a fun way to spice it up and perhaps even get some ideas for what you might want to try together in the bedroom. Check out Babestation Cams to get started talking to professional sex workers who would be happy to help you kick-start your new sex life.

Eat Certain Foods

If your sexual desire is quite low lately, it could be due to the food that you are eating. Although there is not a lot of evidence supporting the idea that certain foods will be good for your sex drive, there’s definitely no harm in giving it a try. Avocado, bananas and figs are considered to be fruits that will help boost your libido, or if you have a sweet tooth, eating chocolate could help since it’s widely considered to be an aphrodisiac. Chocolate releases serotonin and phenethylamine into your body, which can lift your mood and, in some cases, help your sex drive.

Improve Your Self-Confidence

How you feel about yourself can have a huge impact on your sex drive and your ability to enjoy sex with your partner. By taking some steps to improve your self-confidence and self-image, you can also improve your sex life as a result. Shifting your focus from your perceived flaws to the things that you like the most about yourself can help, along with improving your lifestyle in ways that might help you view yourself in a more favourable manner like working out more often or getting a new hairstyle that you love.

Relieve Stress

When you are feeling stressed and anxious, there’s nothing worse for killing your sex drive. And the worst part is that sex can be a good way to relieve stress, but you don’t have any desire for it, creating a vicious cycle. No matter how physically healthy you are, being under a lot of stress can impact your sex drive, particularly for women. There are several things that you can do to relieve stress in your life including meditation, exercising, yoga, and deep breathing exercises.

Communicate Well

The health of your relationship is always going to have an impact on your sex drive and your sex life. If you are in conflict with your partner, chances are that having sex is not going to be the first thing on your mind. This is particularly true for women, who will often experience a higher sex drive when they feel emotionally close and intimate with their partner. Unresolved conflicts can affect the sex life of both men and women, which is why communicating well and resolving issues quickly is essential not only for a healthy relationship, but a healthy sex life. Couples therapy can help if you are struggling with this.

Get Enough Sleep

Last but not least, making sure that you are getting enough sleep at night is not only essential for your general physical and mental health, but also your sexual health and your sex life. When you are feeling tired and exhausted from not getting enough sleep, you probably won’t have much energy for having sex. Being busy can often make it difficult to get enough sleep, and in turn, make it difficult to get intimate with your partner. Boost your energy by going to sleep earlier and taking naps whenever you can. Changing up your diet to increase protein and complex carbohydrates can also help. If you are often too tired for sex at night, consider getting intimate with your partner in the mornings instead, when you have more energy.

A low sex drive can be frustrating for both you and your partner and ultimately have an impact on your relationship. Try these natural ways to boost your libido and enjoy a better sex life.

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Am I Having Enough Sex?

By Karley Sciortino

I’ve always assumed it’s normal to waste your life wondering if everyone’s having more sex than you. It seems there are these “numbers” we’re supposed to hit in order to achieve sexual adequacy. I’m not sure who comes up with them—whether it’s Cosmo, scientists, Samantha Jones, or Satan—but they’ve infiltrated the culture. For instance, in my 20s, I read an article claiming healthy couples have sex three times a week. I filed this away as fact, somewhere in the junk drawer of my brain, for over a decade. But now I’m 35, in a long-term relationship, and I’m pretty sure whoever wrote that was either bad at math or the leader of that NXIVM sex cult.

According to the internet, if you’re single, going a handful of months without sex makes you an incel gargoyle. And yet, having sex multiple times a week with different partners is too far in the other direction. It’s a delicate balance— you should have enough sex to prove you’re a hot, empowered girl-boss, but not so much that you become a slut from hell, desperately trying to fuck away your childhood trauma. But with all this mixed messaging, will someone just tell me: How often should I have sex?

In my 20s, I kept an actual calendar of how much sex I was having. If I went a few weeks without smashing, a siren would go off in my brain, alerting me to send frantic “sup?” texts to my phone reserves (“Adam Ponytail,” “Jake L train,” “Fingers,” etc.). Not only did being sexually prolific validate my worth as a sex object, it also made me interesting. Arriving at a party without a hilariously tragic sex story felt akin to a comedian walking onstage without material.

When I met my boyfriend, we had so much sex that I developed a limp. Somehow everything from making English muffins to organizing my desktop became foreplay. But the first time we hung out and didn’t have sex, I immediately thought: “We’re doomed.” In those early days of manic infatuation, even literally crippling amounts of sex felt insufficient. Now, nearly four years into our relationship, I still sometimes find myself Nate Silver-ing our sex life. If we have sex three days in a row, we’re winning the game! If we don’t have sex for more than a week, we may as well swan dive onto the concrete slab called “The L.A. River.”

It’s a common belief that sexual frequency is an indicator of a relationship’s strength. But famed couple’s therapist Esther Perel disagrees. In her book Mating in Captivity, she describes toxic relationships that breed steamy sex lives and deeply loving relationships that lack sexual passion. Maybe that’s why the most popular erotic novel is about being sexually bullied by a sulky businessman?

When I fall into a shame spiral, I often call my friend Ryan. He and his boyfriend have been together for six years. They’re one of the strongest couples I know, and yet, being hot and vaguely famous hasn’t spared them the sexual stress of your average monogamist. Ryan confessed, “Honestly, as gay men, I thought we were immune to these problems—I was like, light a candle for straight couples! But, it’s a tale as old as time: We had sex regularly for the first couple years, then it gradually became once a week. Then, starting year four, we’d have dry spells that would last up to six weeks.”

For Ryan and his boyfriend, these sexual droughts felt too awkward to acknowledge, like when your date has something stuck in his teeth. Ryan explained, “It’s as if there’s a pressure valve in our relationship. When we’re not fucking, the pressure keeps building. Sex becomes this bogeyman looming over us. But then the second we break the dry spell, we’re like ‘Oh my God! We went a whole month without sex, wasn’t that crazy?!’ Suddenly we’re able to talk about it openly.”

I’ve been there. If you’re in a sex slump, once you finally rail it’s like resetting the clock—“Okay phew, we’ve got a week before it gets weird again!” Of course, if you’re able to address it before paranoia sets in, it makes the whole thing less threatening.

“What I’ve learned is that you can’t catastrophize,” Ryan said. “In the past, my boyfriend and I created our own private narratives about why we weren’t having sex, which inevitably leads to a K-hole of anxiety. But the narratives you write say more about your own issues than they do about the relationship.” In the mutilated words of Joan Didion: “We tell ourselves stories in order to not have sex.”

Unfortunately, writing disturbing narratives is my specialty. For instance, in all my relationships, I’ve preferred that my partner initiate sex—it makes me feel wanted. When they don’t, my story quickly becomes: “I guess I’m literally Shrek and they’re disgusted by my presence and I should sleep outside with the raccoons.” When in reality, maybe they just, like, have a headache? When our dark imaginations overpower our curiosity, sex can easily become a proxy for myriad insecurities—that we’re not skinny enough, smart enough, or that our podcast is failing.

But even if you’re somehow evolved enough to create a healthy dialogue around sex, it still doesn’t answer the essential question: How often should you bang? What are the magical Goldilocks numbers that tell us when to panic, feel smug, or check into rehab?

To answer this once and for all, I turned to my friend Dr. Zhana Vrangalova, sex researcher and professor of human sexuality at NYU. Zhana told me, “In my mind, the only way to answer that question is to ask yourself: How often do you want to have sex? Sex matters differently to different people. Some people are happy having it once a year. Some couples want sex several times a week, even after 20 years. Both can be healthy.”

It sounds obvious: Just fuck as much as you want, duh! But it’s not so easy. Often—for women, in particular—desiring sex is so linked to being desired, that it can be difficult to separate the two. Sometimes I can’t tell whether I actually want sex, or if I just want to want it, or if I feel guilty for not wanting it, or if I just want my boyfriend to want it so I don’t have to melt my brain trying to answer these questions.

According to Zhana, healthy desire is a combination of “how often you’re spontaneously horny, and how often you want to have sex for other reasons that are in line with your values—for instance, because you’re single and want to explore your sexuality, or because you love your partner and know that sex brings you closer.” Basically, pushing yourself to have sex doesn’t have to be bad, so long as it’s authentic. It’s like working out—sometimes you’d rather die than go to the gym, but once you’re there you’re glad you bought a smoothie and went home.

Zhana continued, “Anxiety is an unhealthy incentive to have sex. Autonomy is extremely important to our wellbeing, so feeling pressure—whether it’s internal or external—is antithetical to desire, because it feels inauthentic. Basically, if the reason you’re having it is that ‘I think everybody else is having more sex than me,’ then that’s a problem.” (Sounds like someone’s not having enough sex, tbh.)

Of course, fixating on numbers fails to address whether the sex is actually, ya know, good. Looking back, it’s creepy to think how marginal enjoyment was in the equation. For instance, in my mid-20s I was in a relationship where we had tons of sex—it was rapid, joyless, and yielded more UTIs than orgasms. Success!

Essentially, when evaluating your sex life, ask yourself: Does being sexually successful mean zombie fucking your life away to fulfill an arbitrary quota, or does it mean being honest with yourself about your desires, and getting a Xanax prescription? Choose your own adventure.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How I Have Sex

— “I Can End Up Feeling Nothing Even When All the Right ‘Spots’ Are Touched”

By

The first time I remember thinking about sex was at the age of 15, when I started dating my first boyfriend. As teenagers, we were curious about this and started thinking about it more when there was someone else to talk to. I explored sexual behaviors like kissing, fingering, and oral sex between 15 and 18, and 19 is when I had peno-vaginal sex for the first time.

But I hadn’t realized until then that I was demisexual. So even in my early 20s, I was meeting people on dating apps and thought of sex as something you had to do as a “right of passage” after dates. So I did meet up and have sex without really having an emotional connection. Rather, I thought I had some basic level of emotional connection with them — but I later realized that I was just grasping for straws. I was just creating a connection with somebody, but I didn’t actually have it with these people and didn’t enjoy these experiences. My friends kept talking about this amazing sex that they were having, and I realized only later that I was looking at the wrong place.

Since that time sex was something I thought about in connection with someone I had feelings for; I didn’t even think that it could be otherwise. Demisexuality, I would say, translates into kind of a conditional sexual attraction. I think a lot of people don’t know that sexuality, or any asexual spectrum identity for that matter, doesn’t have anything to do with sex drive. There may be some people who are demisexual and don’t experience any sexual attraction outside of their emotional attachment, but that’s not the case with me. Sexual attraction is like a spectrum: ‘Oh, I’ve met this person who I find really attractive’ versus ‘I am actually in love with this person, and I actually want to have sex with them.’ So I can find someone attractive but not want to have sex with them. And plus, sexual attraction occurs very selectively for me, much more selectively than for someone who’s not very sexual.

People say that everyone is a demisexual, that sex is better when you have an emotional bond. It’s not about if it’s better or bad, it’s that you don’t experience sexual attraction at all unless there is an emotional bond.

My current boyfriend and I, we started out as friends — which turned into friends with benefits. After some time, I felt attracted to him, and I wanted to have sex with him, even though he was romantically involved. We had an emotional bond as close friends, but it got better when we got romantically involved because it added another layer of depth to the emotional connection.

It doesn’t matter if my partner is demisexual or not, it’s just the emotional connection between us that counts. In my current relationship, it was emotional, romantic, and considerate. Realizing that I no longer ‘had’ to do this pointless casual sex rigmarole, and incidentally getting into a monogamous romantic relationship where I had deep emotional feelings for my partner, all made it so much better. I was lucky it all happened together.

I would say I feel a lot more agency when it comes to sex life, ever since I came out as demisexual. Instead of going along with the other person’s wishes, I’ve become more confident in vocalizing what I want and saying no when I want to. Earlier, I used to always be like: Okay, I’m not feeling it in this moment, but that’s not how I’m supposed to feel and the other person is expecting me to say yes, so I would just go along with that. I don’t do that anymore.

Building anticipation is the most important aspect of foreplay for me. It’s not so much about the specific acts done during it, as it is about creating that mood and the anticipation, and building up to that moment of urgency where you feel like you can’t wait anymore! One time that I particularly remember enjoying was when my partner made it completely about me and took it really slow. When I tried to reach out to reciprocate, he gently stopped me and told me to let him do what he wants to me. That made me feel like my pleasure was important and cared about, and the intimacy of that feeling made it the best foreplay I’ve ever experienced!

The usual pleasure centers do the trick for me. Nipples are particularly important — just stimulating them alone, without touching any other part of me, can suffice as foreplay if I’m sufficiently in the mood that day. Also, it’s very important for me that attention be paid to the less ‘usual’ erogenous zones—neck, back, torso, thighs. Simply being held like I’m important and desirable to the person is just as important as specific erogenous zones being touched, if you know what I mean. I can end up feeling nothing even when all the right ‘spots’ are being touched if the person doesn’t make me feel like they desire me (as opposed to simply wanting sex). I don’t think this deprives me of any pleasure — as someone who has had sexual experiences without emotional part, I didn’t enjoy them anyway. So I don’t think I’m missing out on anything.

Exhibitionism appeals to me — being watched while engaging in sex. Maybe because the thought of involving someone else in the bedroom feels exciting, but at the same time I’m not fully comfortable with the idea of actually having someone join us in the activity. So someone watching us is the perfect middle ground. I’ve tried clitoral and vaginal stimulating sex toys individually as well as in partnered sex. Clitoral stimulation from a vibrator is the fastest way for me to climax — probably the first time I ever climaxed with a sex toy! Four times in a row was a new feeling for me.

I would say I’m on the higher end of a normal sex drive, contrary to what people believe about demisexuals. People don’t understand the difference between sexual attraction and sex drive: sex drive is the desire to have some kind of sexual experience whereas sexual attraction means wanting to have sex with another person — and those things are not mutually exclusive.

On the whole, lust and love exist as separate frames. Sex drive, for me at least is completely independent of my sexuality. Because sex drive can exist independent of a partner, I can personally have a sex drive alone as well. But the drive to do it with somebody else, that only really occurs if I have a deep emotional attachment with them. But I do have to say that I’m more satisfied with partnered sex because there’s foreplay involved, which I typically get lazy and skip when it’s just me.

Physical attraction matters very little to me — if you compare it with the emotional connection, the physical is insignificant. I prefer people without a gym body. As somebody who myself has struggled with body image issues all my life, I once dated someone who had a six-pack and was a model. It was very intimidating to me and I couldn’t see past that exterior and engage with him as a person. I wanted someone who looked like a regular Joe.

People who actually end up falling in love and having serious relationships and sex within that relationship, and being monogamous with each other, it’s uncommon nowadays. I value monogamy — but I’m not 100% sure if my monogamy is connected to my demisexuality or not. But I am demisexual, and I am also monogamous. You can be monogamous or polyamorous — that’s independent of your sexuality.

Over time, the novelty factor around sex has, of course, worn off, because it can’t stay forever. I also find that I share some of the same thoughts about sex as before: the desire to feel intimate with your partner, when I experience emotions with someone, those things have remained constant. It’s just that the language I use now to talk about it is more evolved. I have become more corporate in how I feel and how I view sex: I feel this pressure to conform and think of it and approach it in the same way other people do. And I realized that your personal and social identity don’t have to be homogenous; everybody doesn’t have to be the same. That’s the most dominant change that I’ve experienced.

As a demisexual and bisexual, it can be kind of tricky to deal with which part of me is more important, so to speak. Am I equally both things? Which of it makes me more queer? There is also the whole aspect of a lot of queer people who don’t think that demisexuality makes you queer — which makes me feel like we’re being nudged. There may be demisexual people out there who choose to say that ‘I am demi, but I don’t feel like I’m queer, I’m still straight,’ and that’s their prerogative. But the problem is that a lot of people who are LGBTQ tacitly assert that you don’t have the right to identify as queer just because you are demisexual. That makes me feel unseen and sad.

I understand that the whole thing of slotting ourselves into a certain sexuality or gender. It’s not a strict label, but rather just a rough way to understand whereabouts on the spectrum a person might be. And that ultimately, to understand a person better, you need to ask them because they are the only ones who can answer those questions for you, because everybody is completely unique — even two demisexual people could be completely different. I’ve had this conversation with somebody else who was also a woman who was demisexual, and bisexual like me, and we still differ so much in how we approach sexuality and love and sex.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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10 reasons why women may have a low sex drive

and what to do about it

By Madeline Kennedy

  • Some causes of a low sex drive in women include taking medicines like birth control or SSRIs. 
  • Stress and not sleeping enough could also cause lowered libido.
  • Medical conditions like diabetes or heart disease may also cause a lower sex drive.

There’s no “normal” amount of sex drive. The right amount is whatever feels right for you. Yet, many women feel like their sex drive is too low.

One 2008 study found that — among a poll of over 30,000 US women — 15% of women ages 45 to 64 and 11% under 44 reported significant issues with low sex drive.

There are many reasons your sex drive can take a dip, including stress, medications, your period, or relationship issues. Here are 10 of the most common reasons you may have a hard time feeling sexual.

1. Shifts in hormones during your menstrual cycle

Your levels of sex hormones like estrogen, testosterone, and progesterone change throughout your menstrual cycle, which can affect your sex drive, says Kate Thomas, PhD, the director of clinical services at The Johns Hopkins Sex and Gender Clinic.

“We know that progesterone can have a negative impact on sexuality; the role of estrogen is less understood,” Thomas says.

You may notice that your sex drive is higher around the middle of your cycle, while you’re ovulating, but it may dip lower at other times, like during your period. This is partly because progesterone levels rise once you’re done ovulating, as your body gets ready to menstruate.

However, “increases and decreases in sexual drive appear to be quite individual,” Thomas says.

2. Hormonal birth control

Hormonal birth control methods like the pill, vaginal rings, and hormonal IUDs are linked with lower sex drive in women, Thomas says.

This is because hormonal birth control lowers your testosterone levels, which leads to a lower sex drive. Having less testosterone in your body can also make your vulva and clitoris feel less sensitive, which may make sex less appealing.

A 2013 review found that 15% of women taking birth control pills reported that their sex drive had decreased since starting the pill. 

If you have sexual issues while using birth control, talk to your gynecologist about non-hormonal options like the copper IUD.

3. Antidepressants

Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are a type of antidepressant medication that can lower your sex drive. Some common SSRIs are sertraline (Zoloft) and escitalopram (Lexapro).

SSRIs work by raising serotonin levels in the brain, which can help boost your mood. But higher serotonin levels can also make you feel less interested in sex, Thomas says.

“Many women report lowered sexual drive when on SSRIs, but the most commonly reported side effect is difficulty reaching orgasm,” says Thomas. This is important because if you can’t orgasm, you may feel less interested in having sex.

If you’re having these symptoms, you may want to talk to your doctor about changing your dose or trying a different medication.

4. Diabetes

Having diabetes can reduce your sex drive, particularly if your blood sugar levels aren’t stable. When your diabetes isn’t well controlled, you’re more likely to have nerve damage and issues with blood circulation, which could affect sex drive.  

“Diabetes affects the small blood vessels and nerves that feed and innervate the genital region,” Thomas says. “Thus, people who have the disease can experience a lack of sensation and feeling.”

Working with your doctor to get your diabetes under control may help bring back your sex drive and make it easier for you to feel aroused.

5. Not sleeping enough

Missing out on sleep can throw off your nervous system, which controls most of your bodily functions, including your sex drive. “Anything that disrupts the fine-tuning of this system, like lack of sleep, will negatively impact sexuality,” Thomas says.

To deal with the stress from lack of sleep, your body produces more of a stress hormone called cortisol, while decreasing your levels of sex hormones like estrogen and testosterone, Thomas says. When these hormones take a dip, your sexual desire will too.

Not getting enough sleep can also make you feel irritable and fatigued, Thomas says, which can make it harder to get in the mood. Sleeping the recommended 7-9 hours a night can help rebalance your hormones, mood, and sex drive.

6. Depression

“Depression is a prime reason for not wanting to be sexual or not being able to focus when one is sexually engaged,” Thomas says.

This is because depression can cause serious symptoms like intense sadness and affect how your body functions. “These emotions can impact sleep, lead to fatigue, lack of motivation and decreased self-esteem, all things that lead away from a hearty sexual appetite,” Thomas says.

Getting treatment for depression using therapy or medication may help your energy and sex drive return.

7. Stress

When you’re feeling stressed out, your sex drive can take a hit. “Women who find themselves stressed from job demands, children, and family responsibilities have little energy left over to focus on sex,” Thomas says.

Over time, stress can also raise your levels of cortisol and lower testosterone and estrogen, making it harder for you to get aroused.

Cutting down on stressful activities, exercising, and practicing relaxation techniques like deep breathing can help lower your stress levels.

8. Low self-esteem

If you feel bad about yourself, it can be hard to get in the mood for sex. This is especially true if you don’t like the way your body looks – you may be less likely to ask for sex or to feel comfortable getting intimate.

Your interest in being sexual often changes based on how you see yourself, Thomas says, including how attractive you feel, your body image, and your overall self-esteem, Thomas says.

Seeing a therapist or practicing gratitude may be a good first step to work on raising your self-esteem.

9. Heart disease

Heart disease decreases the blood flow throughout your body, including to your vagina and vulva. “Since blood flow to the genitals is what defines arousal, decreases most definitely have some impact,” Thomas says.

Cardiovascular symptoms such as fatigue, shortness of breath and chest pain also play a role,” by making sex more exhausting and difficult, Thomas says. Working with your doctor to regulate heart disease symptoms may be a good option to give your sex drive a boost.

10. Relationship problems

“One of the most common things we hear from women is how much issues in their relationship relate to their decreased interest in sex,” Thomas says.

Conflicts, mistrust, and stress can push you and your partner further apart, making it harder to feel intimate. “In order to feel sexually drawn to our partners we must like them first,” Thomas says.

Going to couples therapy may be a good option if you’re facing issues in your relationship. “Often these aspects of the relationship need to be addressed in order to even begin healing sexually,” Thomas says.

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