Category: Sexual Performance Issues

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How Does Disability Affect Sex?

— People living with disabilities are often assumed to be asexual, which can have disastrous effects on their well-being. Humans are inherently sexual and, as such, deserve to have safe and pleasurable sexual experiences and be free to explore their sexuality and gender.

By Rhiannon John, MSexol

  • Many people within society view people living with disabilities as asexual, leaving them with little access to sexual and reproductive healthcare and education.
  • People living with disabilities are sexual beings and are entitled to safe and pleasurable sexual experiences and to explore their sexual and gender identities.
  • Mobility, fatigue, and pain can affect the sex of someone living with a disability. However, there are multiple toys and positions that can be used to help alleviate some of these issues.

Although limited mobility, pain, and fatigue may affect a person’s sex life, certain toys and positions can aid in pleasure.

How does disability affect sex?

Having a disability can affect sex in several ways, particularly for people with limited mobility, chronic pain, and fatigue. However, this doesn’t mean that those living with a disability cannot enjoy a healthy and pleasurable sex life, as having a physical or cognitive disability doesn’t limit a person’s sexuality.

Humans are inherently sexual and have sexual thoughts, feelings, desires, and fantasies. However, many people within society view people living with disabilities as ‘asexual,’ not wanting to have sex, or not experiencing sexual feelings. This stereotype can affect people living with disabilities in numerous ways, including diminishing self-confidence, desire, ability to find a partner, and ability to view themselves as sexual being. People living with disabilities exist along the same spectrum as nondisabled people, with varied sexual orientations and gender identities.

Those living with mobility issues and chronic pain may have to approach sex a little differently than they’d like to. However, there a sex toys designed specifically to help with this issue for those who’d like to engage in solo sex. For those wanting to engage in sex with a partner, several positions and tools can help alleviate pain and maximize pleasure.

How to maximize pleasure while living with a disability?

Give yourself permission to be sexual

Sadly, research has found that people living with disabilities often internalize the asexuality stereotype, which diminishes their sexual desire and arousal. However, all humans are sexual beings that deserve sexual pleasure. Permitting yourself to be sexual, both solo and with a partner, allows you to reclaim your sexuality and cultivate a pleasurable life.

Allowing yourself to be a sexual being has added benefits, particularly concerning sexual health, as those who are sexually autonomous have been found to make informed decisions about their sexual health, leading to healthier outcomes.

Use toys, tools, and positions that work for you

There are a number of tools, positions, and toys that assist people with limited mobility and chronic pain.

The Bump’n sex toy can be used in several different ways depending on your needs. It’s designed to be a huggable pillow that you can insert a number of sex toys into to hump or grind on, which is great for solo play.

Sex wedges and pillows can also assist with placing your body in a position that is comfortable for you. Depending on your mobility and your partner’s mobility, there are many different positions that you can use to increase pleasure. When exploring new positions with a partner, both partners need to be communicative and express what feels good and what doesn’t. And remember that lube goes a long way in making things feel good.

How does disability affect sexual health?

As many people living with a disability are labeled ‘asexual’ by society, they often do not receive adequate sexual health care from health providers. Those living with a disability need regular pap tests, breast exams, prostate exams, and testicular checks, just like the rest of society.

People living with a disability who engage in sex need to have regular STI checks and have access to education on the importance of contraception.

People living with disabilities should expect to be treated as the whole person by healthcare professionals and expect to receive necessary sexual health care. If your health care needs are not taken seriously, we encourage you to advocate for yourself or access services available in your area to get the care you deserve.

People living with disabilities are not given comprehensive sexual health education

Again, as many people in society see people with disabilities as asexual, sexual education is often overlooked. However, sex and relationship education is just as important for people with disabilities as for those without disabilities. Sex education for disabled people should be given as children, with age-appropriate information. Additional information should also be covered, including:

  • People living with disabilities can have romantic, meaningful, and pleasurable relationships.
  • Sexual information that is specific to their individual needs.

Receiving this education allows people to live sexually healthy and pleasurable lives in healthy relationships.

Humans are inherently sexual beings deserving of safe and pleasurable sexual experiences, relationships, and sexual healthcare access, including those with disabilities. If you are living with a disability, you are entitled to be treated and respected as a sexual being. Although limited mobility, pain, and fatigue, may not allow you to have the sex you would like, there are toys, tools, and positions that can aid in pleasurable sexual experiences for solo and partnered play.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Most Effective Erectile Dysfunction Treatments for Older Adults

By James Roland

Erectile dysfunction (ED) is very common. Although it can affect men of all ages, it occurs more often in older adults and those with certain medical conditions, like diabetes.

Older research estimates that about 70 percent of men ages 70 and older report being “sometimes able” or “never able” to achieve an erection adequate for satisfactory intercourse, compared with just 30 percent of older men who report being “usually able” or “always or almost always able.”

Though it isn’t inevitable for everyone, ED is considered a normal part of aging as its risk factors include conditions common among older adults, such as:

  • cardiovascular disease
  • diabetes
  • reduced levels of testosterone
  • use of medications that treat conditions including:
    • high blood pressure
    • chronic pain
    • prostate disorders
    • depression
  • long-term, heavy substance use, including alcohol and tobacco
  • psychological conditions, including stress, anxiety, and depression
  • overweight or obesity

Sometimes treating an underlying condition can cure or reverse ED. However, most ED treatments are designed for temporary symptom relief, so an erection can be achieved that’s satisfactory for both the person with ED and their partner.

Best ED treatment for 70s and over

A variety of ED treatments are currently available. Researchers continue to develop new medications and other therapies.
For older adults, treating ED may require a two-prong approach:

  1. treat underlying conditions that contribute to ED, such as cardiovascular disease and diabetes
  2. address ED symptoms with oral medications or other alternatives

Medications

The most commonly used ED medications among older adults are from a class of drugs called phosphodiesterase-5 (PDE5) inhibitors.

PDE5 inhibitors block the activity of an enzyme in the walls of blood vessels. As a result, blood vessels are able to relax. In the penis this means more blood can fill the blood vessels, producing an erection.

The main PDE5 inhibitors available with a prescription are:

  • sildenafil (Viagra)
  • tadalafil (Cialis)
  • vardenafil (Levitra)
  • avanafil (Stendra)

Except for avanafil, all of those medications are available in both brand-name and generic versions. (As of 2020, avanafil is still only sold as the brand-name drug Stendra.)

More ED medications are in the testing and approval process. In the United States, PDE5 inhibitors require a prescription. None are available over the counter.

Side effects from these medications are usually temporary and minor. More serious reactions such as priapism (a painful, prolonged erection) may occur in some cases.

Typical side effects include:

  • headache
  • flushing
  • congestion
  • stomach and back pain

ResearchTrusted Source indicates that PDE5 inhibitors are appropriate for most older adults.

Each medication works a little differently. For example, vardenafil usually works faster than the other medications, while tadalafil’s effects last longer.

Tadalafil is often a good choice for older adults who also have an enlarged prostate because it can be prescribed for daily dosing.

Sildenafil should be taken on an empty stomach and may require dose adjustments to get it right.

Talk with your doctor to find the right ED medication for you and your lifestyle.

Who shouldn’t take these meds

People who have certain health conditions, including heart disease, shouldn’t take these medications.

People who take certain medications to manage another health condition shouldn’t take PDE5 inhibitors either. This includes nitrates and alpha-blockers.

Older men are more likely to have heart disease or take nitrates for blood pressure.

Your doctor will take into consideration your overall health and lifestyle when prescribing an ED medication.

Injections

For older adults who find that PDE5 inhibitors don’t produce the results they want or who don’t like their side effects, self-administered penile injections may be a preferred option.

The three most widely used medications for penile injection therapy include:

  • papaverine
  • phentolamine
  • prostaglandin E1 (PGE1) or alprostadil (Caverject, Edex, MUSE)

To use these, you inject the medication into the penis with a syringe before intercourse. While this approach often results in some minor, temporary pain, research shows that about 90 percentTrusted Source of men who used alprostadil were satisfied with the results.

These medications are often used in combination with other treatments and require dosing adjustments. Your first injection should be done in your doctor’s office so they can make sure you do it correctly and safely.

Who shouldn’t use these

Older adults who feel they or their partner can’t carefully administer an injection should consider other options, whether due to lack of dexterity or other reasons.

Taking blood thinner medications is another reason to avoid injectables.

Inflatable prosthesis

If oral or injected medications can’t be used or don’t provide desired results, another ED treatment is an inflatable prosthesis surgically implanted in the penis.

In a 2012 studyTrusted Source of men ages 71 to 86, researchers found that an inflatable penile prosthesis was well tolerated and largely effective in treating ED.

Because it’s a surgical procedure, it carries the slight risks of infection or other complications. It’s important to go over all the risks and benefits of this treatment approach with your doctor. Together you can decide whether your overall health makes you a good candidate for the procedure.

It’s also important to note that an implant is permanent. It would only be removed under certain circumstances, such as infection or malfunction.

Once you have a penile implant, it permanently alters the penile anatomy. This means other treatments can’t be used after it’s placed.

Lifestyle changes

While not a specific treatment, making some changes in your day to day can make a noticeable difference in erectile function. Some helpful strategies include:

  • quitting smoking
  • limiting or avoiding alcohol or substance use
  • maintaining a moderate weight
  • exercising more often than not
  • following a healthy diet that supports cardiovascular health, such as the Mediterranean diet

Why these treatments?

PDE5 inhibitors are widely used among older adults because they’re generally safe, effective, and convenient.
Because ED medications are taken on an “as needed” basis, there isn’t the same concern about missing a dose that there may be with potentially lifesaving drugs, such as high blood pressure medications or blood thinners.

Older adults who find the side effects of PDE5 inhibitors too uncomfortable may prefer injections. Those who are used to self-administering medications, such as people who give themselves insulin shots to treat diabetes, may be more comfortable with penile injections.

Penile implants avoid the concerns about side effects altogether. And since the body’s response to medications can change over time, an implanted prosthesis also means not having to worry about changing medications or dosages.

How effective is it?

ED treatments vary in how long each one is effective, as well as side effects. Regardless of which kind of treatment you choose, there are some important facts to keep in mind:

  • ED medications typically take 30 to 60 minutes to become effective. Medications such as sildenafil usually wear off in about 4 hours or so, while tadalafil’s effects can linger for nearly 36 hours. Your general health and other factors will affect these time estimates.
  • If you don’t get the results you want from one PDE5 inhibitor, a different one may be a better match.
  • ED medications don’t cause erections. Sexual stimulation is still required to become aroused.
  • As you get older, you may require more stimulation to become aroused than you did when you were younger.
  • An erection triggered by a penile injection may occur within 15 minutes, though sexual stimulation may still be required for the medication to work.
  • Recovery from inflatable penile prosthesis surgery can take 4 to 6 weeks. This means no sexual activity or great physical exertion should take place during that time. Once you’re free to engage in intercourse, the prosthesis takes only minutes to be inflated.
  • Lifestyle changes, such as strategies that boost cardiovascular health and weight management, have also been proven to be effectiveTrusted Source.

Is it safe?

ED medications can be taken safely with most other medications, though they shouldn’t be used if you take nitrates or alpha-blockers.

The combination of PDE5 inhibitors and these medications could causeTrusted Source a dangerous drop in blood pressure.

People with heart disease or kidney disease should discuss the use of PDE5 inhibitors with their doctor. They may prescribe a lower dose, which may or may not help you achieve the results you want.

Injections pose different risks than oral medications as it may be possible to hit a blood vessel or nerve with the syringe. Also, scarring is possible. It’s best to make the injections in different places each time to reduce scarring.

Implant surgery is generally safe, and the technology is constantly improving. It’s important to find a surgeon who has ample experience with this procedure.

When to see a doctor

You can often chalk up occasional episodes of ED to stress, fatigue, relationship conflicts, or other temporary conditions. They don’t necessarily indicate a problem that needs medical attention.

But frequent problems with ED can point to the need for medical attention, especially if the ED is affecting relationships, self-esteem, and quality of life. Talk with your doctor or a urologist if this is the case for you.

Having that conversation is also important because ED can sometimes be an early symptom of diabetes or cardiovascular disease. Your doctor may want to order blood tests and other screenings to check for these underlying conditions.

The bottom line

ED at any age can be a troubling condition. Among older adults, it may be more expected, but it’s nevertheless still a concern.

ED medications and other treatments have a track record of effectively and safely treating ED symptoms in older adults.

Proper treatment starts with a frank conversation with your doctor. Don’t be embarrassed to have this conversation. Rest assured your doctor has the same talk with many other people, year in and year out.

It’s also important to talk openly and honestly with your partner. ED is simply a health condition. It should be approached thoughtfully in a straightforward manner, in the same way you would address any other condition, like arthritis or high blood pressure.

Counseling may also be helpful for both you and your partner while you seek the right medical care for this common concern.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The No. 1 Reason Couples Stop Having Sex

It doesn’t have anything to do with physical attraction.

By Juliana LaBianca

There are so many reasons couples stop having sex, from loss of passion to busy schedules to medications that hinder intimacy. Once your sex life slows, it can be hard to get back on track. Days turn into weeks turn into months—and at a certain point, the situation might seem beyond repair. However, that doesn’t have to be the case. Ahead, therapists tell us the number one reason couples stop having sex, as well as what causes it and how you can strengthen your bond. By getting ahead of this sneaky relationship ruiner, you can keep your sex life strong for years to come.

This is why couples really stop having sex.

In many cases, a disconnect in the bedroom is caused by a disconnect in your overall relationship.

“It’s not for lack of physical desire, or that you find the person unattractive, or even that you want to sleep with someone else,” says David Tzall, PsyD, a licensed psychologist based in Brooklyn. “All those can certainly happen, but the [impetus] is that you no longer feel safe, comfortable, or connected with your partner.”

If you or your partner don’t feel that emotional security, it’s unlikely you’ll want to or be able to have a fulfilling sex life. But here’s what you should know so you can improve this part of your relationship.

Emotional distance builds over time.

Fortunately, an emotional disconnect doesn’t just pop up. If you pay close attention, you can usually stop it before it escalates. According to Tzall, emotional distance often occurs in couples that don’t communicate well.

“Slights and hurts build and grow into resentment,” he explains. “The couple speaks less and less and does not share their needs or desires, emotionally, mentally, and physically.”

Sometimes, not even the individuals in the relationship can identify the root issue. “The couple is usually unaware of the reasons and will blame themselves or their partner,” says Tzall. “If the blame is put on the partner, that might result in an affair or thinking about breaking up, which only serves to create more distance between the two.”

If the couple is still having sex at this point, it may not be as satisfying as it once was.

Other responsibilities can exacerbate emotional distance.

While a lack of communication can cause fissures that lead to emotional distance, other factors also contribute.

“Most of the couples I’ve encountered who complain about not having sex as often or at all seem to be couples that have gotten distracted by other consuming demands, like parenting, career, and illness, both mental and physical,” says Natalie Jimenez, EdS, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “The distraction, which may start gradually, grows more pervasive if not addressed in time and leads to emotional and physical disconnect, making it more difficult to become sexual.”

This is especially true for women, who tend to need an emotional connection to be sexual, Jimenez explains.

Clear communication can help you recover.

Just because you’re feeling disconnected in the bedroom now doesn’t mean you will forever.

“The best advice would be for the couple to speak about it openly,” says Tzall. “Some may see that as making the matter worse, but only through bringing it into the light, can it be examined and properly addressed.”

If discussing the issue makes you nervous, enlist the help of a couples counselor. “The couple will learn how to listen and speak to one another in an intentional manner without reacting or taking comments or behavior personally,” says Tzall. “When communication is poor between the couple, it is usually not for lack of quantity as much as quality. This means that both partners are not hearing the emotional subtext and desires and changes in their needs.”

By learning how to get on the same page, you’ll improve your communication now and throughout your relationship. That way, you can respond to issues—such as a lull in the bedroom—effectively and respectfully.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Don’t believe the myth it’s more difficult to satisfy women

The Kinsey Institute reports that the average time it takes females to climax when flying solo is the same as it takes fellas: about four minutes.

By Kathy Lette

So, girls, what would you like for Christmas? I’m sure I speak for most women when I say that top of my wish list is … for all my Christmases to come at once. As if unequal pay isn’t enough to make females fume, apparently we are also suffering a pleasure gap. According to American Professor Elisabeth Lloyd’s analysis of 33 studies on sexuality, three-quarters of females don’t achieve regular vaginal orgasm. Women are also only having one orgasm for every three racked up by blokes.

And don’t believe the myth that it’s more difficult to satisfy women. The Kinsey Institute reports that the average time it takes females to climax when flying solo is the same as it takes fellas: about four minutes. The only women achieving the same Big O rate as men are lesbians. Obviously this is because women do not think that the clitoris is a beach in Crete and appreciate its function as the only part of human anatomy that exists purely for pleasure.

Women also understand that it’s impossible to have Academy Award-winning orgasms without an erotic warm-up. There’s so much emphasis on women faking orgasms, but what about men faking foreplay? Let’s face it, some blokes can fake a whole damn relationship!

And yet, while research reveals that the average woman requires at least 10 minutes of foreplay, most heterosexual encounters last between three and seven minutes. You don’t have to be Einstein to work out that this amatory calculation can’t add up.

I do all my own research in a detailed, scientific fashion – over cocktails with girlfriends – and what I’ve gleaned is that if a partner does attempt a little half-hearted foreplay, he invariably prods away at the clitoris as though it’s an elevator button and he’s running late for a meeting. It is then a woman is tempted to roll her eyes and grumble, “Just take the stairs.”

Without doubt, what hubbies call a “quickie”, most women would dismiss as premature ejaculation. Do you know the difference between a husband and a toy boy? About three hours.

Of course, mums go off sex because they’re exhausted. If men did more housework, women would have energy for other things. Oh, the orgasmic joy of being made love to by a man who has just vacuumed your entire house!

Orgasms are a lot like oxygen – no big deal unless you’re not getting any. And yet the female orgasm remains more of a mystery than the continued career success of Donald Trump. But new in-depth research (literally) has just discovered that there are three orgasmic varieties on erotic offer for us gals: a “wave”, a “volcano” or an “avalanche”.

James Pfaus, professor of neuroscience at Prague’s Charles University, explains that the names refer to pelvic floor movements during the build-up to orgasm and the release. Apparently, when the female volunteers climaxed, special sensors on their Bluetooth-connected vibrators predominantly showed one of three muscle patterns: wave-like undulations along the lower pelvic floor; an avalanche of contractions from the higher area; or a volcano eruption of exploding tension.

Orgasms are a lot like oxygen – no big deal unless you’re not getting any. And yet the female orgasm remains more of a mystery than the continued career success of Donald Trump.

For the study, 54 women were instructed to self-stimulate and then turn the vibrator off for two minutes after reaching orgasm. This exercise was then repeated over several days in their own homes, which must rate as the best homework assignment ever. (I doubt there’s been digital action like this since Proust wrote all seven volumes, longhand. Perhaps an unexpected upside was the wearing off of fingerprints, meaning they can now also commit the perfect crime?)

Anyway, to conclude this “Kama Sutra For One” experience, the volunteers were also asked to perform a control test in which they inserted the vibrator but did not stimulate themselves. Data was then analysed to reveal that nearly 50 per cent (26 women) enjoyed wave orgasms, while 17 relished avalanches and 11 delighted in volcanoes.

So boys, it’s basically now up to you to do your horizontal homework. Put in enough dedicated practice and your female partner will soon be so pleasured that when she cries out, you won’t be sure whether it’s an orgasm or a demonic possession. Should you share a post-coital cigarette or call an exorcist?

In short, if a woman is happy in bed, she’s going to want to spend a hell of a lot more time in it, with you. And it will be Oh, OH! OHHHH! What a feeling! So here’s to an intensely satisfying holiday season with a very, very happy ending.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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15 Things You Need to Do to Be a Good Top

It’s time for all the tops out there to step their game up!

By

Here are 15 things you need to know if you want to be a good top!

1. Have some serious foreplay

We’ve all been there. We’re turned on, we’re excited, we just want to get to the game, but sometimes the tailgate is the best part. You want the experience to last. You want him to feel comfortable. Take your time before getting to the actual penetration.

2. Have the condoms

While it’s not the job of all tops to carry condoms, it’s often expected that they are the ones who will. Don’t rely on the bottom to carry the condoms. As the top, the responsibility is more on you. Also, yes, I know PrEP is a thing, and you should be on it. While a miracle drug, it doesn’t protect against other STIs besides HIV, and even if your partner is on PrEP, he may still want to use a condom.

3. Gently enter and ask how it feels

For the love of god, don’t start off by jack hammering. Go slow. Let him get used to having you inside of him. Ask how they feel. Ask if he needs more lube or if you need to pull out for a second.

4. Switch up positions and speeds

Don’t do the same thing the whole time. Speed up. Slow down. Switch positions. While (most) bottoms like to be pounded extra hard in doggystyle, that’s not the only thing we like. Oh, and it can be super sexy to make out while you’re inside of him. If you can jerk him off while you’re inside him too, even better.

5. Give him a break if he’s on top

It takes a lot of work to do cowboy, or any other riding position. Unless he’s a porn star, he’s going to get tired. Sometimes he won’t feel comfortable asking you to switch positions, which is why you should preemptively ask him if he wants to switch it up.

6. Do not false advertise

You know your junk better than anyone else. One of my biggest pet peeves is when I meet a guy, we go back, and he is freakin’ huge. Like donkey d*ck, monster huge. I’m like, where do you expect me to put that? Why did you not give me fair warning? I could have loosened up for you. This is no longer sexy that you’re well-endowed. It’s just annoying. Then there’s the other side of the coin. Don’t lie about being bigger than you are. You can’t hide it. Like, we’re going to find out and be annoyed if you gave yourself an extra three inches.

7. Pull out if you’re going to orgasm too quickly

Slow it down if you’re about to orgasm. If that’s not enough, pull out and do some other “stuff” while your body takes a break. You don’t want to ejaculate within seconds of being inside of him.

8. If you do ejaculate prematurely, let him know your refractory time, and go again

It’s not the end of the world if you orgasm quickly. Just let him know you can have some other fun for a little bit, and then go at it again. Just because you finish once, doesn’t mean that’s the end. Go again! And the second time, you’ll be able to last longer.

9. Don’t be annoying with putting on the condom

Don’t try to sneak it in there without asking. For the love of God, don’t take it off in the middle of having sex without telling him. Sex with condoms can be really annoying. Trust me, I know. But you need to respect your bottom and his wishes.

10. Say his name during sex

This is just hot. It makes him feel special and wanted. I haven’t met a single guy who doesn’t like hearing his name out loud during sex. It’s a simple yet effective turn-on technique.

11. Don’t make a big deal if you get a little “mud” on you

Butts are not chocolate soft serves. Yes, some poop can come out, but not that often or that much if you’re aware of your body. That said, it will happen at some point. It’s inevitable. Don’t make a big deal. Simply ask to change condoms. Or, if you don’t mind, afterwards, take off the condom, wrap it in a paper towel and throw it out without him seeing. Then go wash yourself off. You don’t need to tell him it happened if he didn’t realize. There’s no reason to embarrass him.

12. Read your partner and when in doubt, ask

Sometimes your partner will be vocal. It’ll be clear what he wants you to do. Other times, you’ll have to read him more. Would he like you to go slower or faster? Harder or softer? If you’re not sure, just ask!

13. Let him know when you’re about to finish and ask him where he wants you to orgasm

Some guys like it when you finish inside of them. Other guys, not so much. Some guys like you to finish on unlikely places. Be a gentleman and do what he asks. If he says he doesn’t care, still give him a heads up by telling him where you’re going to ejaculate.

14. Help him finish afterward

Just because you finished doesn’t mean the fun is over. Some bottoms don’t like to ejaculate, but many do. Don’t assume because you were the top that sex is over once you finish. Don’t be greedy. Help him finish if he wants to.

15. Don’t rush out afterward

If you want him to feel used, then yes, rush out afterwards. If not, lay in bed with him for a while. Cuddle. Have some pillow talk. Let him know that he’s more than just a piece of meat and a tight hole. Unless, of course, this was the agreement and both you knew it was a quickie. If that’s the case, then don’t overstay your welcome. Get the hell out.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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6 reasons why you could have performance anxiety during sex

— And how to overcome it

Performance anxiety during sex can be related to physical fears, emotional fears, or a combination.

By Willa Hart

  • Feeling anxious during sex is incredibly common and valid.
  • This can be a result of poor body image, a hyperfocus on your partner, or prior bad experiences.
  • Fortunately, this anxiety can often be overcome through mindfulness, movement, or therapy.

When you think of performance anxiety, you might think of tests or talent shows, but this fear is also common during sex. In fact, up to 25% of men and 16% of women experience sexual performance anxiety.

Performance anxiety manifests during sexual encounters as a worry about what your partner will think of your performance. For example, people may be afraid of not getting an erection or experiencing lubrication, says Jennifer Litner, a sexologist and the founder of sex therapy practice Embrace Sexual Wellness.

But other anxieties, like worrying how your body appears to your partner, can be part of performance anxiety, too.

If you’re experiencing performance anxiety during sex, here’s some things that could be causing it, as well as some information on how it can be treated.

1. Poor body image

Not feeling great about your body can make it hard to have a great time during sex, says Lena Elkhatib, a licensed marriage and family therapist, certified sex therapist, and founder of Essential Therapy.

After all, being naked and vulnerable with someone is hard even when you feel great about how you look.

Moreover, if you’re preoccupied with what you look like, you’re probably not focused on the sensations of sex. “It really takes us out of the experience of, what are the feelings in my body, which is what we want to be focused on,” says Rachel Zar, a licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist who practices at Spark Chicago Therapy.

As a result, it might take you a longer time to orgasm – which might make you even more self-conscious, fueling performance anxiety.

How to overcome it: Working towards body acceptance is a difficult, but empowering way to reconnect with your body. In practice, this can look like:

  • Re-evaluating your relationship with food and movement: Societal bias and weight stigma has taught us to demonize food and overly celebrate exercise. Neutralizing or accepting your relationship with food and movement can help you to be kinder to yourself and celebrate all that your body does for you each day. 
  • Incorporating joyful movement: We often associate the word “movement” with exercise, but fun movements like dancing, walking, or even cleaning can encourage more positive feelings about your body.
  • Visit a boudoir photographer: Taking photos of your body that you feel good about can encourage you to channel that version of your body image in the bedroom. 

2. Feeling disconnected from your partner

Sometimes, you might feel distant from a sexual partner because you don’t know them very well. But even if you’re having sex with a long-term significant other, you could feel disconnected if you’ve recently had an argument or spent some time apart.

This disconnection could make your mind wander during sex, giving anxiety a space to creep in, Zar says. Moreover, if you’re feeling distant from your partner(s), your brain is more likely to kick into “performance mode,” triggering performance anxiety.

“Sometimes, you need some time to reconnect to a partner before you’re able to reconnect sexually,” Zar says. “After all, sex is a really vulnerable thing to do with someone.”

How to overcome it: The best thing to do is talk to your partner about what’s bothering you, Zar says. 

She also recommends focusing on foreplay – not just in bed, but also in the hours or days leading up to sex. That might include touching or kissing each other throughout the day, or cuddling on the couch.

Foreplay gives you an opportunity to reconnect with your partner without rushing straight into sex, and it promotes intimacy.

3. Negative beliefs or shame about sex

One of the most common causes of performance anxiety is negative beliefs about sex, Elkhatib says. For instance, if you were taught as a kid that sex is bad or dirty, you might feel ashamed about engaging in sexual behaviors.

This shame, in turn, might make you worry about how your partner(s) perceive you or feel about your sexual encounters.

“Shame is not a sexy feeling,” Zar says. “If you think that something you’re doing is shameful, you may be easily embarrassed by it or monitor your actions or responses.”

How to overcome it: Attending therapy with a sex-affirming mental health professional is one key way to dismantle sexual shame.

In particular, a therapist can work to help you understand what messages have led you to feel ashamed about your sexuality, Elkhatib says. You can then start to replace those narratives with more sex-positive thoughts.

Sex positive literature can help correct negative sexual beliefs. If your negative thoughts stem from a religious background, you can usually find books that can be helpful. “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagiski could be helpful to everyone.

4. Focusing too much on you partner during sex

We tend to think that being tuned in to our partners’ desires during sex is a good thing, but if you focus on your partner(s) to the detriment of your own pleasure, it can cause performance anxiety.

For instance, if you’re super dialed in to your partner(s), you may notice if they sigh or glance away from you – potentially meaningless signs that may make you worry they’re not enjoying themselves.

Focusing too much on your partner can also be tied into messaging we’ve been taught about sex, Elkhatib says.

For example, if you were raised in an environment where you were told sex is a duty you must perform to please your partner(s), that could lead you to solely focus on your partner’s pleasure during sex – and it could incite performance anxiety as you worry what might happen if you don’t satisfy them.

How to overcome it: Treating this kind of performance anxiety is all about learning to focus on yourself. That might include exercises like masturbating to relearn what feels good in your body or practicing having sex with your partner where you’re the center of attention. 

For instance, Elkhatib says you might have sex with your partner(s) where you’re not allowed to give pleasure to them: they’re only allowed to pleasure you.

If past lessons about sex have contributed to your desire to focus on a partner, then examining the source of those beliefs can be helpful too, Elkhatib says.

Focusing on other forms of bodily pleasure that aren’t sex can also shift your focus: Such as how you eat your food, shower, listen to music, or move during walks.

Mindfulness training is a great way to defeat performance anxiety, Zar says. In mindfulness training, you focus on how your body feels instead of focusing on your anxiety. This can help bring you back into your body so you can enjoy sex more.

Mindfulness can be hard at first, but you can practice it in non-sexual situations, such as at the gym or nail salon, before applying the technique in the bedroom, says Zar.

5. Physical hurdles

If something has changed in your life so that you’re not functioning sexually in the way that you used to, that can cause performance anxiety, Zar says. 

For example, if you’re no longer able to consistently achieve an erection – something that happens to many men as they age – you may develop anxiety, wondering if you’ll be able to perform as you’d like to the next time you have sex.

This may also happen if you experience

  • A lack of ability to orgasm because of taking medications like antidepressants
  • An injury or condition that impacts your sex organs
  • Other physical health conditions, such as heart disease or diabetes, that can impact erectile and orgasmic functioning

How to overcome it: Depending on the cause of the changes, you may be able to work with a primary care physician or a psychiatrist to manage your symptoms, says Litner. For instance, antidepressants can often affect your libido or ability to achieve orgasm. Your psychiatrist may be able to reduce your dosage or change your meds to alleviate these symptoms.

Even if the physical changes don’t abate, you can still manage your performance anxiety by changing how you approach sexual encounters. Litner suggests shifting from a performance-based mindset, which relies on a specific outcome being achieved, to a pleasure-based mindset, in which it’s the enjoyment of yourself and your partner that matters. Studies have shown that mindfulness training can help with this.

Working with a sex therapist that’s specifically focused on people with disabilities can also be helpful. Sex therapists can validate the different, yet equally important challenges that folks with disabilities face when it comes to sex.

6. Past negative experience with a partner

If someone has negatively commented on your sexual performance in the past, that can make you anxious about future sexual encounters.

“A lot of times we see this show up if somebody says something that is more of a rigid comment,” Litner says. “‘How come you’re not hard?’ or, ‘How come you’re not having an orgasm?'”

Even small comments made by well-meaning partners can cause performance anxiety, Litner says.

How to overcome it: Treatment will depend on the severity of the past negative experience, Litner says. If the experience was traumatic or took place during a formative period in someone’s life, trauma-based therapies can be effective. In other cases, psychotherapies like cognitive behavioral therapy and narrative-based therapy can be used.

Insider’s takeaway

Performance anxiety during sex is very common, and can be caused by poor body image, feeling disconnected from your partner(s), or changes in your sexual functioning. Treatment for performance anxiety depends on what is causing it, but a combination of therapy and mindfulness exercises are often effective.

Remember, even if you’re never able to totally eliminate your anxiety around sex, that doesn’t mean your sex life is over. “Intimacy does not mean sex, and sex doesn’t mean intercourse,” Elkhatib says. “The more that people can broaden their library of intimacy… the less pressure there will be to look and feel a certain way.”

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If Your Sex is Goal Oriented, Then Expect Emotional Distance

— Here Is Why

Goal oriented sex creates emotional distance.

By Rene’ Schooler

“Men seek sex and hope for love. Women seek love and give sex.”

Patricia sits in my office crying, hands on her face, legs crossed, tears cascading down her cheeks as she sobs about Arthurs requests for sex and how she just is not interested.

“I love my husband, I really do, and that’s why I keep giving him sex as much as I can handle and pretend to enjoy it. I know that he needs it. I know that he wants it and that he is only happy if the goal is achieved.”

“And what goal is that?” I inquire.

“For us both to climax, to orgasm.” she responds.

Going on to tell me that he feels that this is a requirement of sex and that it is her duty to make sure that he achieves orgasm and that she does as well. As we speak over the course of multiple sessions, Patricia shares with me that her husband Arthur wants sex multiple times a day, most days, or at very least once a day. That the only times that he is okay with not having sex is when one of them is horribly ill and even then, it depends on what he deems as horribly ill, a migraine or sore throat is not on the list. She goes on to tell me that he wants each time to “sizzle” and be fresh and hot, saying that he wants adventure in their sex.

Over the years, like many couples Patricia and Arthur have gone through their fair share of life challenges with raising children, being a two-income household and working long hours to make ends meet and take care of responsibilities. They have fought about all the usual things and still proclaim to be committed and in love with each other, however as time goes on in my conversations with Patricia, I see that she is committed to loving Arthur but is not in love with him. She has bitterness and resentment toward him. She feels used and unseen, but like most women who have been in Patricias shoes she consistently chooses her wisest move of staying the course and allowing Artur his needs and wants without disagreement from her. She has invested over two decades into her marriage and does not want to do anything to cause issues, especially speaking up about her anger and pain or her needs with intimacy. And so, Patricia keeps giving Arthur what he wants and pretending it is all good to keep the peace.

THE TURN OFF OF ASKING FOR SEX

Rebecca and David came to me only three years into their marriage. David was frustrated that he was always the one to initiate sex as it seemed that Rebecca was either always too tired or just uninterested.

David asked for sex frequently only to be denied just as frequently by Rebecca. As I sat with the young couple and listened to their tale, I noticed that one of the main issues was that Rebecca had lost respect for her husband, she was not desiring him because he was acting out of neediness, and she knew that she could easily control him with sex.

“I work long hard days to support our growing family and future. I think she is stunning and sexy, and I just want to get close to her. I want to feel like she wants me too. Is it too much to ask that my wife want intimacy with me a few times a week?” inquires David.

“I work a part time job and take care of our one-year-old. I am exhausted at the end of the day and David comes homes, we have dinner, put Olivia down to bed, watch a show and then he says as we get into bed, ‘Can we have sex tonight?’ — it is such a turn off. Can’t he see that I am exhausted and not into it? Why does he ask like that? It’s like a kid in a store asking his mommy for candy…’Can I have this candy? PLEEAASSEE…” Rebecca says in disgust.

David goes on to share that he would not have to ask like that if she would just initiate when she was in the mood, but from his perspective she is never in the mood anymore and Rebecca’s rebuttal comes with the pain of feeling like she is just there to be his blow up doll as she says, he takes no interest in helping her with other things in the home or time to connect and speak to her about what’s happening in her work life or struggles of being a new mom. They don’t have time or money to get away from any connection and even though they eat out a lot, they no longer date.

WOMEN NEED TIME TO GET AROUSED — MEN NEED VISUAL STIMULATION

Monica and Henry started dating six months ago. They enjoyed being together, had lots of great conversations and laughter, spoke about longer-term goals together and were both feeling like this thing may really work out. They had waited to have sex until about a month in on dating seriously and like all first-time sexual encounters they had their mishaps and Henry’s stamina was not what either of them wanted it to be. Understanding, that this is often the case on the beginning side of intimate relationships, they both had patience and enthusiasm about learning each other and getting more familiar so that their sexual energy could be hot but also longer and steady. They shared about their sexual histories with each other, what they liked and did not like, what had worked well in the past and Monica was very vocal about her needs to take sex slowly, to build up with kissing and touching.

“I have told him repeatedly that I am not a light switch! You cannot give me a little peck of a kiss, rub some lube between my legs and stick it in and expect a miracle to happen.” she says in anger, going on to share, “it actually hurts me physically when he does that. Then he thinks that by slamming into me harder and faster that that is the trick. He pushes away from me, so he can watch my body, watch himself penetrating me, like it’s some live porn just for him, he grabs my breasts roughly and if I try and do anything he tells me to stop. He just really wants me to lay there and take it and somehow, he thinks that I am going to orgasm from this?”

Henry with eyes wide, “I had no clue. I thought she was liking it. The issue is that she takes so damn long to have an orgasm. I try everything and she won’t cum. I have never been with a woman like her before with these challenges.”

“How long do you two focus on foreplay typically and how long does your sexing last in total?” I inquire.

Monica rolls her eyes while Henry answers,” Foreplay maybe five to ten minutes and the same for the actual sex.”

“Are you aware that it takes a woman 20–40 minutes of foreplay, that’s kissing, touching, snuggling, oral sex, feeling loved and cared for physically to be ready for actual physical penetration? Without this her body takes physical damage. The lining of her vaginal walls can easily tear, she does not have adequate blood flow to her vagina, her clit, and her cervix is not soft and flexible. This is just the physical aspects. If we look at hormone response no healthy chemicals have dropped down to trigger arousal yet, and her emotional response is most likely armored as she is still thinking about everything else and also fearful that she won’t get the time to drop down into her body and connect to herself or you.”

THREE SEPARATE COUPLES TALES- ONE ISSUE

These three couples have all been together for different time frames. They have different levels of bonding with each other, and they all have their own unique wants in sexual relationship, however the common agendas you may see are:

  • Men focusing on a goal of orgasm through speed, action and frequency
  • Women focusing on intimate connection, slowing down, touch, laughter, courting and then letting that lead to orgasm potential

Men wonder why women have issues getting aroused after the honeymoon phase of the relationship ends, and that can be anywhere from six to eighteen months into a serious relationship where the new relationship energy (NRE) starts to wear off. The culprit is pretty simple:

    Men stop courting, stop romancing, stop applying themselves. They stop hunting the woman and connecting to her emotionally and mentally. They may stop doing all the things that they were doing even for themselves to make themselves more desirable or to feel confident and strong. In other words, men capture what they are going after and then turn their attention to the next hunt, which is not their woman any longer. This happens because men feel settled in the relationship and since men are linearly focused and compartmentalize everything, they believe that they can now change focus and the relationship will just maintain itself.
  • Women lose interest a lot quicker than men do it is shown in studies, but women once committed will stay the course of the relationship and put attention to building a family, a home or their career and forfeit the depth of intimacy or sexual arousal for the sake of security and to be cared for with a man. Women seek out love and security and they give sex to gain these things. As much as a woman desires orgasms and sexual pleasure, just like men do, women will disregard them and accept not having them to assure stability and overall relationship peace. When a woman is not being hunted by her mate any longer, when her mate stops trying to impress her with his strength, intelligence, manliness you could say, her desire and arousal dwindle. When she is not being courted and romanced, her sexual desire is limited and often will be buried for years without notice.
  • Women lie to their men about orgasm. Why? In studies it has been revealed that over 80% of coupled women do not have orgasms in their sex with their partner. The vast majority of women in the world understand that men believe that a few moans, some nails on the back, some laughter and deep breathing or hip rotating are signs of a woman having a “real O” and so they make use of this to make their man feel accomplished and then they take care of themselves when alone. It is again all about keeping the peace in the mind of the woman. Women know that they need time and attention to achieve the result their mate wants for them but is not willing to slow down and give, and so they train their man to believe that they only need five to fifteen minutes, no foreplay, no courting or romance.
  • Men have a tough time accepting, believing or even understanding that their sex is polar opposite from their female partner’s sex. Nature made us opposites in how we function, think, view the world, open to pleasure, emotionalize things and most certainly to our needs and wants sexually. For men sex happens outside of the body and is stimulated through visual stimuli, touch, sound, smell. It is an act that he can witness and feel control around. For women sex happens inside her body, she must allow and open up her body to her partner and trust that she will not be harmed. For her to feel him at all she must exit her mind and enter her heart allowing him in there as well with trust. A woman is stimulated through her mind and heart which causes an emotional response which leads her to her body.

Over and over again, I meet couples like these three I share here today with you and what I see is that disconnect and the expectation on both sides. I see the lack of integrity from the women out of fear of abandonment and hurting their partners ego’s. I see the men fearful of sinking in and letting themselves feel their hearts and become emotional with their woman out of fear that they will not have the stamina of even five minutes, so in turn they want their woman to sex like a man. I tell you though, this will never be. There are women out there that will argue these words and say that they are good with the quickie, that they don’t like or want foreplay or even courting. They will proclaim that they always have an orgasm. And some are being truthful, but the majority are hiding their pain because they are trying to live up to the new standard where women are to be men in all aspects of their lives: Including their sex.

And to this I say, how sad our world has become.

How doomed our intimate relationships are.

We claim to want connection.

To be loved and to love.

We say that we want integrity, intimacy and happiness.

And we have been brainwashed into believing that we can achieve these things with limited time, focus, dedication or commitment. That they will not and should not require us to go deeper within ourselves. Nor should we have to work at earning the trust of others’ vulnerability and we most certainly should not have to keep up the hunt, do the maintenance and ongoing work of having what we say we want and keeping it.

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New theory suggests female orgasms are an evolutionary leftover

Having bad sex? Don’t blame yourself or your partner—blame evolution

Not switching off

By Elizabeth Pennisi

Billy Crystal may have been shocked when Meg Ryan so effectively—and amusingly—faked an orgasm in a restaurant during the 1989 movie When Harry Met Sally, but surveys suggest only one-third of women are regularly fully aroused during intercourse. And although poor partner performance, psychological issues, or physiological shortfalls are often cited as the reason, two evolutionary biologists now offer a provocative new explanation. In a paper published today, they argue that female orgasm is an evolutionary holdover from an ancient system, seen in some other mammals, in which intercourse stimulated important hormonal surges that drive ovulation.

Humans and other primates don’t need intercourse to trigger ovulation—they evolved to a point where it happens on its own—but the hormonal changes accompanying intercourse persist and fuel the orgasms that make sex more enjoyable, the biologists hypothesize. And because those hormonal surges no longer confer a biological advantage, orgasms during intercourse may be lost in some women. This explanation “takes away a lot of stigma” of underwhelming sexual relations, says one of the authors, Mihaela Pavlićev, of Cincinnati Children’s Hospital in Ohio.

The new work addresses what David Puts, a biological anthropologist at Pennsylvania State University, University Park, calls “one of the most contentious questions in the study of the evolution of human sexuality: whether women’s orgasm has an evolutionary function.” There are more than a dozen theories about the evolution of orgasms, most proposed decades or more ago. They include arguments that women have orgasms because their reproductive machinery has the same origins as those of men, who need to have orgasms to ejaculate sperm. Others think orgasms are an evolutionary novelty that persists because it helps foster loyal partners. Some have proposed that female orgasms induce physiological changes that increase the chances of conception, but there’s no strong evidence that women who have more have increased fecundity.

Orgasm itself may have no evolutionary function, but it is derived from a key part of the reproductive cycle, Pavlićev and her colleague propose today in the Journal of Experimental Zoology Part B: Molecular and Developmental Evolution. Pavlićev didn’t start out studying orgasms. To better understand the evolution of reproduction, she was compiling data on the ovarian cycle in different mammal species. During this cycle, cells destined to become eggs mature, escape from the ovary, and travel down the reproductive tract. She discovered that in some species, environmental factors control egg maturation and subsequent ovulation; in others, such as rabbits, sexual intercourse with a male or even just his presence causes the release of the egg. In either case, a series of changes involving the hormones oxytocin and prolactin are triggered that cause the egg to mature and migrate. In humans and other primates, the ovulatory cycle has become spontaneous, generally on a set schedule that requires neither an environmental trigger nor a male. Pavlićev then realized that women still undergo the same hormonal changes as species with induced ovulation, but during orgasm.

To see whether induced ovulation was the evolutionary predecessor of orgasms—in a similar way that fins were ancestral to limbs—she and Günter Wagner, an evolutionary biologist from Yale University, first needed to see whether induced ovulation predated spontaneous ovulation in evolutionary history. Their literature search showed that environmental- and male-induced ovulation are found in earlier evolving mammals and spontaneous ovulation appears in later species, including our own. They also noticed another change. In earlier mammals, the clitoris, which is so often key to a woman’s orgasm, tends to be part of the vagina—guaranteeing that intercourse stimulated this organ and kick-started ovulation. But in later arising species, particularly primates, the clitoris has moved ever farther away from the vagina, even out of reach of an inserted penis. “A shift in the position of the clitoris is correlated with the loss of intercourse-induced ovulation,” says Martin Cohn, an evolutionary developmental biologist at the University of Florida in Gainesville. “Their hypothesis shifts the focus of the research question from the evolutionary origin of orgasm as an evolutionary novelty, which has long been presumed but not demonstrated, to the evolutionary modification of an ancestral character.”

Pavlićev and Wagner’s theory helps explain why female orgasms during intercourse are relatively rare. “It is new to use [this] innovative, Darwinian approach to understand one of the mysteries of human sexuality—why the male orgasm is warranted, easy-to-reach, and strictly related to reproduction and the female counterpart [is] absolutely not,” says Emmanuele Jannini, an endocrinologist at University of Rome Tor Vergata. The nonnecessity of orgasms for reproduction may also explain why women’s reproductive tracts vary a lot more than men’s—there are fewer constraints, he adds.

Jannini and others point out, however, that this theory needs more confirmation. So far, it deals only with the parallels between the hormonal surges in females during male-induced ovulation and orgasm, but has not looked to see whether there are also parallels in the neurological components of these activities, says Elisabeth Lloyd, a philosopher of science at Indiana University, Bloomington, who was not involved with this work. And because it’s so difficult to assess whether other mammals feel the pleasure associated with orgasms, the work can only ever address the evolution of some of the components of female orgasm, Puts notes.

Others more strongly criticized the new explanation. Two behavioral neuroendocrinologists, Michael Baum from Boston University and Kim Wallen from Emory University in Atlanta, tell Science that Pavlićev and Wagner misinterpret some previously published results and do not have the details about the hormonal changes during ovulation and orgasm correct. “Their hypothesis remains a good hypothesis,” Wallen says. “But I’m not very convinced by the data they marshal.”

Lloyd says the work drives home how much more we need to learn about female sexuality in other organisms. Wagner and Pavlićev concede that more data are needed to firm up their theory, though for now they have no plans to follow up themselves. Cohn predicts others will pick up the baton. “Pavlićev and Wagner have taken a fascinating, creative, and thoughtful approach to a problem that has been investigated by many but resolved by few,” he says. “I suspect that many investigators will be stimulated to further test the hypotheses raised in this paper.”

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Oh Cum On

— Why Are Men Having More Orgasms Than Women in Heterosexual Relationships?

By Nicole Andrejek

Sex researchers consistently find that men are having far more orgasms than women when it comes to heterosexual sexual encounters.

This is called the gender gap in orgasms, or the orgasm gap. There are many myths and assumptions about why women orgasm less. Some of the more popular ones are that women take too much time to reach orgasm, women don’t actually care about having an orgasm, that getting a woman to orgasm takes more work and they’re harder to please.

But are women’s orgasms really too much work and, if not, why is this belief so prevalent?

Insights from the ‘Sex in Canada’ project

I recently published a study alongside sociologists Tina Fetner and Melanie Heath that questions these assumptions about women’s ability and desire to orgasm.

We used data from our nationally representative Sex in Canada survey to establish that there is a gender gap in orgasms — 86 per cent of cisgender men reported having an orgasm in their most recent heterosexual sexual encounter, compared to 62 per cent of cisgender women.

What reduced the gap among our sample? Oral sex.

The notion that women generally require some form of clitoral stimulation in order to reach orgasm has been documented by a number of sexualities researchers, but what’s unclear is why the gap persists despite knowing the importance of clitoral stimulation for women.

To understand this discrepancy, we conducted in-depth interviews with adult men and women across Canada to examine the underlying beliefs and feelings that deters couples from engaging in the types of sexual activities that would make it more likely for women to reach orgasm.

The role of gender essentialism

One of the reigning myths that helps maintain the orgasm gap is that there are inherent gender differences for why men and women have sex. Women are expected to inherently desire emotional connection and men are expected to inherently need physical release.

So feeling emotionally connected to one’s partner and whether women orgasm become mutually exclusive. This way of thinking isn’t new or isolated to the bedroom.

These explanations are what social scientists call “gender essentialism” — the belief that there are natural, biological and physical differences between men and women.

Gender essentialist beliefs have been used to justify a variety of gender inequalities, for example, those that attempt to solidify traditional gender distinctions that women belong in the home and men belong in workforce.

If we took essentialist beliefs at face value, it would seem that women simply don’t want to orgasm since they require emotional connection over sexual pleasure. But is it really the case that women don’t want to orgasm during partnered sex with men?

Our research suggests that these beliefs about women’s orgasms have less to do with women’s inherent inability or lack of desire to orgasm, and more to do with the way gender norms shape and limit expectations.

The role of heteronormativity

The orgasm gap is not just about gender, it’s also about heteronormativity. Our participants defined “regular sex” as penile-vaginal intercourse. This definition means that our participants see sex as being centred on stimulation of the penis, rather than the clitoris.

Our study shows that heteronormative conception of “regular sex” results in other sexual practices that prioritize clitoral stimulation — like oral sex — as alternative sexual practices to the main event.

It also means that other sexual practices feel like extra work, separate, time-consuming and challenging, despite supporting women’s likelihood of achieving orgasm.

Bad feelings about potentially great sex for women

A consequence of the belief that sex is about “emotional connection” for women, and defining what it means to “have sex” as penile-vaginal intercourse, is that it limits the types of sexual practices women engage in, and these beliefs shape the feelings women have about other types of sexual practices.

For instance, some of our participants described other sexual practices, especially oral sex, as unnatural, bad or dirty.

As succinctly exemplified by our participant, Kathy: “I don’t do oral sex. It can be very pleasurable, but it feels wrong, it just makes me feel dirty.”

Women’s bad feelings about engaging in the types of sex that might bring them more physical pleasure shows the strength of the sexual double standard in which women are judged more harshly than men and taught to self-regulate their sexual desires and behaviours.

Putting sex on the agenda for gender equality

Beliefs about women’s bodies, what women want from sex and what it means to have sex in the first place all help justify why women aren’t reaching orgasm when having sex with men.

Fights for gender equality have tackled and refuted many gender essentialist beliefs, and yet the longstanding orgasm gap shows how gender essentialist beliefs still have a strong hold on the domain of heterosexual sexual encounters.

The orgasm gap highlights the ways in which gender inequality emerges even in the most seemingly private and personal encounters in heterosexual relationships.

Like other gender gaps, it is important to continue pushing past individual explanations and understand the gender gap in orgasms as a form of gender inequality.

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Faking Your Orgasms Is Messing With Your Relationship

— Here’s How

By Aliyah Moore, Ph.D.

“Did you orgasm?”

Many of us have been hit with that awkward question, and I’ll admit that I’ve found it easier to just say yes sometimes. Having an uncomfortable conversation about my sexual satisfaction isn’t how I want to end most nights.

Eventually, I found it easier to just pretend, and my partners stopped asking. These little white lies seemed harmless at first, but the lack of communication was hurting my sex life, and my less-than-ideal sex life was tanking my relationships.

And I know I’m not alone here: One 2019 study found well over half of women have faked an orgasm at least once before.

Why fake an orgasm?

It’s no secret that society hasn’t always valued female pleasure, but why do women feel the need to pretend instead of being honest about their sexual experience?

The aforementioned study found that 59% of women had faked orgasms, and 55% said they wanted to talk about sex with their partner but decided not to. Here are some common reasons why:

  • 42% said they didn’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings. 
  • 40% weren’t comfortable going into detail. 
  • 38% were embarrassed. 

I’ve also had clients and friends confess that failing to orgasm led to a conversation that felt like a chore. One client had started antidepressants – which can make it difficult to have an orgasm – and couldn’t consistently achieve orgasm for the first couple of months. This upset her boyfriend, who insisted on trying to solve the “problem,” even though she said she was enjoying her sex life. Eventually, she started faking orgasms so she wouldn’t have to talk about it. Her partner wanted to communicate, but he wasn’t listening to the fact that she was sexually satisfied without orgasms as she got used to her medication.

Our partners (men especially) sometimes stake their egos on our sexual satisfaction. We know this, so we often fake it to avoid making them feel like sexual failures. In other cases, our partners simply don’t care whether or not we orgasm or don’t consider it at all, and it’s easier to fake it since they won’t listen to our suggestions.

Perhaps the most frustrating reason is that our partners simply don’t understand our orgasms. It’s not any more difficult for a woman to orgasm than a man, but it usually takes more than vaginal intercourse.

No two women are the same either. Several of my female partners have had to help me help them cum, and vice versa. Sometimes it just feels easier to fake it than to try and explain your unique sexual sensations to another person.

Why you need to stop faking orgasms.

If you “fake it ‘til you make it” … you’ll never make it.

Faking orgasms is a slippery slope that never leads to a positive outcome. Even in one-night stands (unless you fear for your safety), it doesn’t help either of you to fake an orgasm.

Why?

1. You’re committing to lackluster sex.

By faking orgasms, you’re conditioning your partner to be sexually incompatible with you. If you act pleased with what they’re doing, why would they change?

2. You’re associating your partner with sexual dissatisfaction.

You may not think it’s important at the moment, but our experiences with people sink into our subconscious minds. As you associate your partner with dissatisfaction, you’ll steadily begin to feel more distant, and it will be even more difficult to enjoy sex. Even worse, it can disconnect your mind from your sensations, making it harder to orgasm in general.

3. It’s a form of lying.

It may seem harmless, but ask yourself: why don’t you trust your partner with this conversation? Why aren’t you comfortable with this conversation? Plus, your partner might already know you’re faking orgasms and be bottling up their own dissatisfaction.

4. It’ll be hard to change things down the road.

Like any lie, it’s hard to dig yourself out of. Once you decide to ask them to change their sexual behaviors, they’ll begin to wonder if they’ve been satisfying you up to that point.

5. It builds the expectation of an orgasm every time, which isn’t always realistic.

We need to normalize the fact that, regardless of gender, not all people will orgasm during sex every time. It could be anxiety, stress, physical ailment, medication, or any number of reasons that prevent an orgasm. On occasion, this is normal, and we shouldn’t be treating it like a sexual failure on either side.

6. It may signal a larger issue in the relationship.

As a sex therapist, I say this every chance I get. If you don’t feel safe expressing discomfort or displeasure during sex, then your relationship is not healthy, and you need to get out. Even if you believe it will lead to an argument, defensiveness, or verbal abuse – run. 

Sex isn’t “just sex.” It’s an intimate part of your relationship that carries as much weight as any other part. If your sex life isn’t healthy, then your relationship isn’t healthy. Before we get into fixing your sex life, it’s important to make sure that you have a partner who’s open to communication and cares about your satisfaction and well-being. 

For example, I had a client who never orgasmed with her partner because he refused to let her be on top. He simply didn’t like it, felt it was emasculating, and didn’t care whether or not she was satisfied. She faked orgasms to placate him, but it wouldn’t have mattered either way. The relationship was toxic, and having better sex wasn’t going to fix it.

As we start to talk about coming clean, the assumption is that your partner cares about you, treats you as an equal, and is willing to listen and communicate.

How to come clean.

If you’re deep in the faker game, it can feel near-impossible to stop. The best way to bring authenticity back to your sex life is to try a solution that’s proportionate to the problem. This means bringing back honest sex in the same measure that you let it go.

If you’ve only faked a few orgasms:

It’s best to just let the cat out of the bag. Try not to surprise your partner with this information during sex; rather, let them know you want to talk about it and set aside time.

It will likely be an uncomfortable conversation, but it clears the air and sets an honest tone for sex afterward. Explain what you do like about having sex with them, what you don’t like, and what you would like to add.

Ask them how they’re feeling about sex too. Are they enjoying it? Do they want to try different things?

If you’ve been faking it for a long time:

Try gradually changing the tone of your sex life. Let your partner know you want to communicate more. Don’t be afraid to stop during sex and switch positions, ask your partner to do something, or use toys.

What needs to change:

Maybe you’re unsure how to reach orgasm together and need to do a little research – which is also a great tactic if you feel like your partner is unsatisfied. Ultimately, you and your partner will feel better when you like what each other likes.

It’s also important to set expectations. Many of us don’t orgasm from internal stimulation, but our partners can’t know that unless we tell them. There are also times when one of you won’t be able to orgasm, but still want to have sex. It’s okay to tell your partner this.

However, if you’re rarely or never able to reach orgasm, that may be indicative of a larger problem, and you may need to talk with a doctor or experiment with other forms of stimulation.

The takeaway.

You have the right to be satisfied.

While it can sometimes feel easier to fake an orgasm, you’re not doing yourself or your partner any favors. You have just as much right to sexual satisfaction as your partner, and they deserve a fair shot at pleasing you.

We fake orgasms to keep other people happy because society tells us their happiness is more important than our sexuality, but it isn’t. Never cheat yourself of a healthy sex life just because someone else wants you to smile and look happy. 

It’s never too late to start talking about sex openly and honestly, and it’s never a bad thing to try.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Breast Cancer and Sex

— How Can Breast Cancer Affect Sexual Health

By Serenity Mirabito RN, OCN

Physical changes in your body due to breast cancer treatment paired with feelings of loss and fear can reduce libido (sex drive) and ultimately lead to depression.

It’s important to have open communication with your healthcare provider if you’re experiencing sexual problems after a breast cancer diagnosis.

This article will discuss how breast cancer affects sexual health and ways to prevent or treat sexual problems associated with breast cancer

Connection Between Sexual Problems and Breast Cancer

Although chemotherapy, hormone therapy, surgery, and radiation are needed to treat, cure, or prevent breast cancer, they can also cause sexual dysfunction. Due to hormone fluctuations, medication side effects, and poor body image, sexual health is greatly affected by breast cancer. Intercourse is not usually dangerous; however, sex can be painful for women, and men may experience erectile dysfunction.

Does Breast Cancer Treatment Cause Sexual Problems

The following are ways breast cancer treatment can cause sexual dysfunction in men and women:12

  • Chemotherapy: Certain chemotherapy agents (anthracyclines and taxanes) have toxicities that reduce sexual arousal and desire. These medications cause fatigue, nausea, and diarrhea, all of which can lead to decreased interest in sex and intimacy.
  • Hormone therapy: Hormone receptor-positive breast cancers are often treated with aromatase inhibitors and selective estrogen receptor modulators, which cause hot flashes, vaginal dryness, insomnia, and painful intercourse in women. Men on hormone therapy for breast cancer can experience low libido and erectile dysfunction.
  • Surgery: Breast surgeries (mastectomy, which is removal of the breast, and lumpectomy, which is removal of the cancerous tumor) and sentinel lymph node dissection (lymph node removal) result in emotional and physical distress. Pain, numbness, and swelling of the surgical site can cause discomfort, while the scars from surgery can lead to poor body image.
  • Radiation: Radiation therapy can result in persistent pain, lymphedema (swelling), reduced flexibility, and pain in the affected breast, arm, and axilla (armpit). Studies show these side effects correspond with poor quality of life, including sexuality.

How Are Sexual Problems With Breast Cancer Treatment Alleviated?

Following your treatment regimen is essential to surviving and thriving with breast cancer. These tips may help prevent or alleviate sexual problems from breast cancer treatment in men and women:3

  • Be open and honestly communicate your feelings with your partner.
  • Try sex in different positions until you find one that’s comfortable.
  • Intimacy isn’t just about sex. Kissing, snuggling, and touching can also provide intimacy.
  • Use lubrication to help make sex more comfortable.
  • Some antidepressants are used to improve sexual desire.
  • Sexual rehabilitation/therapy can help assess and treat sexual dysfunction in people with breast cancer.

Studies show that healthcare providers don’t always provide sex education to patients with newly diagnosed cancer. Be sure to discuss this topic with your oncology team before treatment starts so you know what to expect.4<

Symptoms and Gender Differences

While breast cancer is the most common cancer in women (after skin cancers), male breast cancer is rare. However, both genders experience symptoms of sexual dysfunction with breast cancer.

Men

Because male breast cancer makes up less than 1% of the total breast cancer cases yearly, information about breast cancer in men is significantly lacking. One study found education about sexuality was the most frequent unmet information need reported by male breast cancer survivors.5

Common sexual problems men with breast cancer may experience include:

  • Loss of libido
  • Erectile dysfunction
  • Poor body image
  • Feeling emasculated
  • Infertility

You will likely need to ask your healthcare provider how your treatment will affect your sexuality, as little information is shared with men on this topic.

Women

Symptoms of sexual problems in women with breast cancer include:

Although there is a great deal of information about how breast cancer affects the sexual health of women, you will likely need to ask for education on this topic as well.

How Are Sexual Problems With Breast Cancer Treated?

The first step in treating sexual problems with breast cancer is to speak to your healthcare provider. Whether male or female, sharing your new or worsening sexual side effects with your oncology team is vital. Additionally, being referred to a sex therapist or for sexual rehabilitation can help assess and diagnose the dysfunction and formulate a treatment plan that fits your individual needs.

It may also help to do the following:

  • Premenopausal women with breast cancer may improve libido by using Addyi (flibanserin), a prescription medication that increases sexual desire.
  • All women with breast cancer should use lubrication to prevent painful intercourse. Ask your healthcare provider about topical lidocaine if lubrication doesn’t improve comfort during sex.6
  • Men with breast cancer experiencing sexual problems may find relief from oral medications that help get and keep an erection. Other medical options include penile injections, urethral pellets, vacuum erection devices, and penile implants.6

For both men and women, the following may help improve sexual problems associated with breast cancer:

Check with your healthcare provider before implementing any new treatments for sexual dysfunction.

Summary

Whether you’re male or female, you will likely experience sexual problems if you have breast cancer. The consequences of cancer treatments such as chemotherapy, hormone therapy, surgery, and radiation can cause sexual dysfunction leading to depression. Speaking to your healthcare provider about how breast cancer will affect sexuality is important as there are ways to prevent or alleviate these side effects.

A Word From Verywell

Changes in appearance from breast cancer surgery can greatly influence body image and self-esteem in both men and women. Weight gain or loss, hair loss, breast removal, and scars can make you feel self-conscious. It’s important that you don’t feel rushed into sex until you’re ready. Enjoying other ways to feel close to your partner is equally as satisfying. Be sure to seek help from your healthcare provider if new or worsening sexual problems occur.

Verywell Health uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

  1. American Cancer Society. Treating breast cancer in men.
  2. Boswell EN, Dizon DS. Breast cancer and sexual function. Transl Androl Urol. 2015;4(2):160-168. doi:10.3978/j.issn.2223-4683.2014.12.04
  3. Breast Cancer Now. Sex and breast cancer treatment.
  4. American Cancer Society. Cancer, sex, and the female body.
  5. Bootsma TI, Duijveman P, Pijpe A, Scheelings PC, Witkamp AJ, Bleiker EMA. Unmet information needs of men with breast cancer and health professionals. Psychooncology. 2020;29(5):851-860. doi:10.1002/pon.5356
  6. Carter J, Lacchetti C, Andersen BL, et al. Interventions to address sexual problems in people with cancer: american society of clinical oncology clinical practice guideline adaptation of cancer care ontario guideline. JCO. 2018;36(5):492-511. doi:10.1200/JCO.2017.75.8995

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Low Sex Drive (Loss of Libido)

By Heather Jones

Libido (also called sex drive) means the overall interest a person has in sexual activity. It is separate from sexual arousal, which is the body’s response to sexual stimuli. A low libido does not always indicate a problem, but it may be related to a medical condition or can cause a person distress, particularly if there has been a drop in libido.

Statistics vary, but up to 20% of men experience low libido sometime in their life. Up to 43% of women experience sexual dysfunction—a problem that occurs during any part of sexual activity, from arousal to orgasm—at some point, including low libido. About 1 in 3 women report having a low sex drive.123

Low libido itself is not considered a condition. If certain criteria are met, however, a woman with low libido may be identified as having female sexual interest/arousal disorder (FSIAD).4

Some references, particularly those published before 2013, refer to low libido as hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD). Since then the definitions for low libido and HSDD conditions have changed. In 2013, the official handbook that classifies mental health disorders, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), combined the two diagnoses and now refers to it as sexual interest/arousal disorder.45

Read on to learn about low libido, when it’s considered a problem, and what can be done about it.

Symptoms of Low Libido

A person with low libido may experience:6

  • Little or no interest in any type of sex, including masturbation
  • Rare, if any, thoughts about sex or sexual fantasies

FSIAD is marked by a lack (or serious reduction) of sexual interest or arousal in women. To meet the criteria for FSIAD, a person must show an absence or reduction in at least three of the following, for at least six months:5

  • Interest in sexual activity
  • Initiation of sexual activity and being unreceptive to a partner’s attempts to initiate
  • Sexual or erotic thoughts and fantasies
  • Sexual interest/arousal in response to sexual or erotic cues
  • Sexual excitement or pleasure during sexual activity
  • Genital or nongenital sensations during sexual activity

The symptoms the person experiences also must cause them clinically significant distress and not be better explained by factors such as a nonsexual mental health disorder, severe relationship distress, or another significant stressor.
<h3″>What Is the Sexual Response Cycle?

A person’s sexual response cycle has four phases:7

  • Sexual desire: A person’s interest in sexual activity
  • Sexual arousal: Excitement/physical response
  • Orgasm (climax): Peak of sexual excitement (when pleasure is highest), and ejaculation occurs
  • Resolution: The body recovers and returns to its usual state

Causes of Low Libido

A number of factors can cause low libido, including that it may be a person’s natural preference. Libido commonly lowers with age for all genders.3

>Most research on low libido focuses on cisgender men or cisgender women. More research is needed to examine low libido in people who do not fall within this narrow gender binary.

Causes of low libido may include:8916235

  • Hormonal changes: Such as reduced sex hormones with aging, with hormonal contraception use, or with antihormone therapy
  • Medical conditions: Such as diabetes, cardiovascular disease, fibroids, underactive thyroid, endometriosis, premenstrual syndrome (PMS)
  • Medications: Including many antidepressants and antipsychotics
  • Psychological distress: Stress, anxiety, exhaustion, problems with body image, etc.
  • Depression: Can cause a loss of interest in things once enjoyed, including sex
  • Relationship problems: Overfamiliarity with partner in long-term relationships, conflict, partner’s lack of interest/functioning in sex, etc.
  • Dissatisfaction or discomfort during sexual activity: Such as erectile dysfunction, problems with ejaculation, vaginismus (involuntary tightening of the muscles around the vagina before penetration), difficulty with orgasm, vaginal dryness, or pain
  • Substance misuse: Excess amounts of alcohol can affect libido, as can drug misuse and/or smoking
  • Life stage or event: Such as menopause, pregnancy, postpartum, breastfeeding, loss of a loved one, retirement, job loss, divorce, illness, etc.
  • Trauma: Such as a history of unwanted sexual contact or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

A 2017 study also identified high levels of chronic, intense, and greater durations of endurance training on a regular basis, as a possible contributor to decreased libido in men.10

What Medications Can Cause Low Libido?

Medications that may cause low libido include:31112

  • Serotonin-enhancing medications, such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs)
  • Antipsychotics, such as Haldol Decanoate (haloperidol)
  • Blood pressure medications, including diuretics and beta-blockers
  • Medications used to treat seizures
  • Medications that block the effects or reduce the production of testosterone, such as Tagamet HB (cimetidine), Propecia (finasteride), and Androcur (cyproterone)

Is Low Libido Always a Problem?

Having a low (or no) libido in and of itself can be perfectly normal for a person. Comparing your libido to someone else’s, including your partner’s, is not an accurate way to determine if your libido is “too low.”12

There is no set amount of sex that’s considered “normal.” A person may be content thinking about or having sex once a year, while another person may be unhappy with sexual activity once a week.136

Unless your low libido is a symptom of a health condition that needs to be addressed (such as diabetes, depression, etc.), the level of your libido is only a problem if it is bothering you.2

How to Treat Low Libido

If a person wants to treat their low sex drive, there are a number of approaches that can be tried.

Hormones

Supplementation of testosterone in those with low testosterone levels may help with low libido, but should only be attempted under the guidance of a healthcare provider who is knowledgeable about this treatment.11

Those who have been through menopause (either naturally or surgically) with low libido may benefit from transdermal testosterone therapy (with or without accompanying estrogen therapy). However, data on the benefit of testosterone therapy are limited and inconsistent, and there is a lack of long-term data on safety and effectiveness.

Hormone treatment comes with risks as well as benefits. Talk to your healthcare provider about whether taking hormones is appropriate for you.1

Medication

If low libido is a side effect of medication, talk to your healthcare provider about changing the dose or type of medication you are on. In some cases, another medication, such as the atypical antidepressant Wellbutrin (bupropion), may be added to help address the sexual dysfunction.12

Flibanserin

In 2015, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved the medication Addyi (flibanserin) for use in the treatment of FSIAD of any severity in people who are premenopausal.5

Reported side effects include:

  • Headache
  • Dizziness
  • Fatigue
  • Drowsiness
  • Nausea

Flibanserin carries a boxed warning (the strongest FDA warning) for hypotension (low blood pressure) and syncope (fainting) in certain settings, particularly with the use of alcohol and/or moderate or strong CYP3A4 (an important drug-metabolizing enzyme) inhibitors, and for people with liver impairment.

Alcohol should be avoided during the entire course of treatment with flibanserin.

Flibanserin is taken daily as an oral pill.2</span

Long-term studies on flibanserin are needed. The benefits of flibanserin in improving sex drive are minimal compared to placebo, and in many cases are outweighed by the risks of using it.

Before taking flibanserin, it’s important to discuss these benefits vs. risks with a healthcare provider who is knowledgeable about this medication.

Bremelanotide

Vyleesi (bremelanotide) was approved in 2019 for treatment of HSDD in people who are premenopausal.14

Bremelanotide is taken as needed, about 45 minutes before sexual activity, as an injection in the thigh or abdomen.2

Evidence on efficacy is limited, and shows minimal effect on the number of satisfying sexual events compared to placebo.

The most common side effects of bremelanotide are:14

  • Nausea (about 40% of people who took bremelanotide in clinical trials experienced nausea and 13% needed medication to treat the nausea)
  • Vomiting
  • Flushing
  • Injection site reactions
  • Headache

People with uncontrolled high blood pressure, with known cardiovascular disease, and those at high risk for cardiovascular disease should not take bremelanotide.

Address Underlying Medical Conditions

If your low libido is caused by a health condition, managing that condition may improve your libido.111

Therapy

Therapy such as cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) with a therapist or counselor who specializes in sexual and relationship issues may help with sexual dysfunction.121

Therapy can help you address psychological issues that may be affecting your sex drive, including:13

Lifestyle Changes

General healthy lifestyle practices, such as eating nutritious foods, being physically active, and getting enough quality sleep, may help improve your libido.6

Mindfulness exercises, relaxation techniques, and other ways to reduce and manage stress may also be beneficial.1

For some people, engaging in sexual stimulation and triggering the arousal response can help the person “get into it,” even if they weren’t desiring sex before. While this may be helpful for some people, no one should feel pressured to engage in sexual activity if they don’t want to.12

Relationship Strategies

Open and honest communication with your partner about your sexual desires can help both of you feel sexually fulfilled.11

You may also benefit from psychosexual counseling, which can help you and your partner work through sexual, emotional, and relationship issues that may be affecting your libido.3

Remember that sex is more than intercourse. There are activities you can do together that can “spice things up” or let you engage in intimacy without having sex. Some things to try include:136

  • Exploring each other’s bodies through caressing, kissing, etc.
  • Giving and receiving massages
  • Bathing or showering together
  • Experimenting with different sexual techniques
  • Using aids such as toys or massage oils
  • Planning romantic activities or taking a weekend away

You may also find that self-exploration helps you find what works for you.

Are There Tests to Diagnose the Cause of Low Libido?

To look for a cause of low libido, your healthcare provider may:11

  • Ask about history of low libido (when it started, severity, situational and/or medical factors around the time it started, previous treatments, and if there other sexual problems present, etc.)
  • Get a general medical history, including medications and mental health
  • Perform a physical examination
  • Discuss your partner(s)
  • Run laboratory tests, such as a blood test to check hormone levels
  • Refer you to a specialist if needed (such as a mental health professional if FSIAD is suspected)

When to See a Healthcare Provider

loss of libido, especially if prolonged or recurring, may be an indication of an underlying problem. It may be a good idea to see if there are potential medical or psychological reasons that should be explored.3

Even without a medical reason, if your low libido bothers you, talk to your healthcare provider.

Summary

A low libido means little or no desire to engage in sexual activities. It may be linked to a medical condition, medication, relationship issues, hormones, and other factors. It may also be normal for that person.

Unless there is an underlying medical condition, low libido is only a problem if it causes the person distress.

Treating unwanted low libido depends on the cause, but may include medication, therapy, lifestyle changes, hormone therapy, and/or relationship building.

A Word From Verywell

If you have a low sex drive that is not caused by a medical condition and isn’t bothering you, then it is not a problem. If you are bothered by your low libido or are concerned about what may be causing it, talk to your healthcare provider. A medical professional can help you figure out what is going on and how best to approach it.

Frequently Asked Questions

  • Is low libido the same as low arousal?While related, libido and arousal are different. Libido refers to a person’s overall interest in sexual activities. Sexual arousal is how the body responds to sexual stimuli (“turned on”).
  • Is low libido normal?For some people, having a low libido is normal. A low libido is only a cause for concern if it is caused by a medical condition or if the person does not want to have a low libido.
  • Does low libido vary by gender?
    Women are more likely than men to experience low libido. The causes of low libido can also depend on gender.

Most studies on low libido include cisgender people only. More research is needed to understand how libido affects people across the gender spectrum.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Anorgasmia

— The reason why you find it difficult to orgasm

Understanding why you find it difficult to orgasm is key to finding a solution.

By Ashley Jones

TV shows especially romcoms make it look like orgasm is a given for everyone who engages in sex. But for a lot of people, reaching the peak of sexual pleasure is not an experience they often get during intercourse. If you have difficulty climaxing regardless of how much sexual stimulation you get, you might have a condition called anorgasmia.

What is anorgasmia?

It is a well established fact that the frequency and intensity of orgasms vary from one person to the other, so is the type of stimulation needed to get people off. According to Mayo Clinic, anorgasmia may be responsible for some people, especially women, not having orgasm during sex.

Anorgasmia is delayed, infrequent or absent orgasms — or significantly less-intense orgasms — after sexual arousal and adequate sexual stimulation. Women who have problems with orgasms and who feel significant distress about those problems may be diagnosed with anorgasmia.

The emphasis here is on the word ‘distress’. So, for a diagnosis of anorgasmia to be made, a person who is unable to orgasm may also exhibit feelings of frustration, self-doubt, shame, inadequacy and anger, according to Healthline.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 5th Edition (DSM-5), states that people can be diagnosed with anorgasmia if they experience significant ‘delay in, infrequency of, or absence of orgasm’ during at least 75% of sexual intercourse for a minimum of six months. Certified sex therapist Diana Urman, Ph.D. explains:

…generally speaking, any difficulties with achieving orgasm over a short or extended period of time can be called anorgasmia without having a medical professional to diagnose it.

Without seeking medical examination, you can tell if you have the condition based on these factors listed in an article on MindBodyGreen:

  • Consider whether you’ve ever had an orgasm: If you orgasm during certain situations like masturbation, oral sex or sex with other partners, then an absence of an orgasm could be situational.
  • Consider the breadth of your sexual experiences: what form of stimulation do you require, what positions do you find enjoyable, what type of sex gets you off (rough, sensual or tantric sex)?

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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3 Things to Do When the Sex Was Mind-Blowingly…Bad

It doesn’t mean it can’t get so much better.

By Cathryne Keller

Apologies to Bridgerton, but first-time sex isn’t always the mind-blowing, corset-busting stuff of historical romance novels. In real life, hooking up with a new partner—even one you’re super into—can be awkward, uncomfortable, or otherwise…not good. But that doesn’t necessarily mean it can’t get so much better.

I’m not talking about the sex that’s bad in that they didn’t respect your boundaries or otherwise made you feel unsafe, of course. (No second chances in that situation.) And maybe the sexual sparks just aren’t there—in which case you can trust your instincts and don’t need us to tell you what to do. But it’s also possible that you just need to work out some, ahem, kinks.

To help you figure out if your unsatisfying experience was merely a stumbling block on the road to a much more pleasurable connection, we asked Chamin Ajjan, LCSW, a Brooklyn-based cognitive behavioral therapist and certified sex therapist, for her best advice on what to do if sex with a new partner left a lot to be desired.

Try to get out of your head.

When you’re excited about getting naked with someone for the first time, it’s normal to fantasize about how it’ll go down. The problem is, setting your expectations too high can also set you up for a possible letdown, Ajjan says. If your first hookup was, uh, anticlimactic, she recommends asking yourself, Was I in the moment, or was I focused on the experience that I built up in my mind?

“If you’re comparing this sexual experience with the one you imagined or with others you’ve had with past sexual partners, you’re missing out on what’s actually happening in the here and now,” Ajjan says. Of course, maybe what was happening right in front of you really wasn’t so hot, but if you’re into your new partner and willing to give it another go, staying present can help you decide if there’s more sexual chemistry between you two than you initially thought.

Ajjan’s best advice for tuning into the moment during sex: Focus on your senses by paying attention to what you’re hearing, smelling, tasting, and feeling. “This mindful approach to sex can increase your pleasure by making it a wonderfully sensory experience where you’re more in sync with your partner,” she says. Basically, you’re getting out of your head and into your body.

Get clearer about what you both want in bed.

“Bad sex is often just a case of bad communication,” Ajjan says. “Speaking up seems simple enough, but we often worry about hurting our partner’s feelings and shy away from advocating for our sexual preferences and desires.” However, avoiding the conversation after a lackluster hookup ends up being a disservice to everyone and minimizes your chances for real pleasure, she adds.

Communication with a sexual partner can be verbal or nonverbal, and you don’t need to be harsh to get your point across, according to Ajjan. Instead of telling them what you didn’t like (“It turned me all the way off when you nibbled on my ear”), try sharing what you did or do enjoy (“It was so hot when you kissed me here”). “Being explicit about your turn-ons can be a turn-on itself,” Ajjan says. “You can also try gently moving their hand or body to where you’d like it to be and show them how you’d like to be touched or let them know what you’re enjoying with a sexy sound or outright telling them, ‘This feels so good.’”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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12 ways to boost libido and improve your sex life

By Ashley Laderer and Shannon Ullman

  • You can increase your sex drive with diet, exercise, sleep, relaxation, herbs, and more.
  • Everyone’s sex drive is different, and there is no “normal” or “abnormal” desire for sex.
  • Low libido can be caused by health conditions, medication, mental health issues, and more.

Media and societal norms lead people to believe that they should be ready to have sex at any given moment. While this is the experience of some people, it certainly isn’t the case for everybody.

If you’re looking to increase your sex drive or libido, there are a few things you can do to boost your desire. Here is what the research says.

What is libido?

Libido is a person’s sexual desire or appetite. A person’s libido can be affected by hormones, mental state, stress, brain function, and behavior patterns.

Everyone’s libido is different, and the same person’s sex drive might fluctuate over time, depending on circumstances. This is normal.

According to sexologist and sexuality counselor Jess O’Reilly, Human Sexuality Ph.D. and host of the Sex With Dr. Jess Podcast, there’s no universal standard or rule of thumb when it comes to sexual desire.

“Low desire is only a problem if you deem it one or you find it distressful. Some people want sex several times per day, and others don’t want it at all, and all experiences can be perfectly healthy,” says O’Reilly.

However, if you do find your lack of sexual desire distressing and you want to be more interested in sex, O’Reilly recommends looking at whether your libido is low due to lifestyle or relational factors, which could range from trouble communicating with each other, lacking emotional connection, or dealing with existing conflicts such as fighting over money or kids.

Try these 12 tips to increase your libido:

1. Reduce stress levels

Stress can cause various physical symptoms, including a lower libido.

O’Reilly says your levels of cortisol — commonly referred to as the stress hormone — rise when you’re stressed out, and this can interfere with your sexual desire and arousal. A 2018 survey conducted by the BBC found that 45% of respondents said that stress negatively affected their sex drive. A low sex drive in women can be caused by stress, more so than in men, according to research.

However, learning to reduce or manage stress can be difficult. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and support, whether it’s from your partner or a therapist. A few options for relieving stress include:

2. Understand arousal and learn what turns you on

For many people, the desire for sex isn’t there 24/7.

“Desire does not always occur spontaneously. Most people need to get aroused first, and then they might experience desire. If you sit around waiting for sexual desire to occur on its own, it simply may not happen,” says O’Reilly.

There are plenty of ways you can ramp up arousal and, thus desire. Try some of the following:

  • Fantasizing
  • Sexting
  • Watching porn
  • Reading erotic stories
  • Masturbating
  • Having your partner kiss and touch you without the expectation of sex
  • Listening to erotica
  • Enjoying music that feels sexual to you
  • Sex toys

Get creative and experiment with what turns you on most and increases your desire. O’Reilly says that once you’re aroused, it’s much more likely that desire for sex will follow.

Expanding your definition of what sex means can also be helpful. If you are not excited by the type of sex you have been engaged in, trying something new can be exciting.

3. Let go of performance anxiety

Performance anxiety, pressure, and stress surrounding sex are likely to curb your arousal and your desire.

“Pressure is the antithesis to pleasure, so if you feel pressure to have sex in a certain way, look a certain way, have an orgasm, get hard, get wet, make specific sounds or want sex with a specific frequency, you may find that you lose interest altogether,” says O’Reilly.

Take time out to really get to know yourself sexually. O’Reilly says that spending time better understanding your body’s unique responses through masturbation can help you to be more at ease when you’re with a partner. She also highly recommends using mindfulness during masturbation, and mindfulness in general, which will result in benefits in partnered sex.

Practicing mindfulness has been studied with great results in regard to libido. A 2014 study examined 117 women who struggled with low desire. After mindfulness training, there was a significant decrease in “sex-related distress.”

4. Get enough sleep

Sleep affects many aspects of your health and behavior, including your sex drive. A 2019 study found that lack of quality sleep is correlated to low libido, as well as difficulty orgasming in women.

O’Reilly says exhaustion can lead to a lack of desire for sex. In this case, you should be prioritizing sleep over sex. Once you take care of your sleep habits, you may notice a difference in your libido, according to O’Reilly.

A few ways to improve your sleep habits include:

  • Limiting screen time before bed
  • Limiting caffeine intake to early in the day
  • Going to bed at a consistent time each night
  • Regular exercise
  • Limiting alcohol
  • Sleeping in a cool, dark room

5. Address relationship dissatisfaction

When you’re in a relationship, and you’re experiencing issues with your partner, it’s likely that those problems will spill over into the bedroom and leave one or both of you less likely to want sex.

“If you’re harboring resentment, dealing with a partner who doesn’t want to engage, struggling with ongoing conflict, recovering from hurt and trauma, it’s unlikely that you’ll want sex spontaneously,” says O’Reilly.

It’s best to work on these issues with your partner rather than sweep them under the rug and hope they go away. O’Reilly suggests talking about underlying sources of tension and being open about issues.

6. Reduce negative anticipation

You might not be looking forward to sex if you are worried about potential or actual negative consequences.

If you don’t want to get pregnant or are worried about sexually transmitted infections (STIs), use barrier methods such as condoms and hormonal birth control. Be sure to have conversations with any partner about your comforts and concerns.

Some people also experience unwanted pain with sex. Ask your doctor about any pain or discomfort you experience.

If you regularly have issues with getting or maintaining erections and control over orgasms, you might be worried about sex being pleasurable for you and your partner. Make an appointment with a urologist if you have any issues with erections or orgasms.

7. Talk to a therapist

Talking to a general therapist or a sex therapist can help you deal with underlying psychological reasons that you might be experiencing low sex drive. O’Reilly says this can be particularly helpful if you’re dealing with shame surrounding sex, body image, or trauma.

There is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about regarding sex or seeking therapy to help with your sex life. This can be a way to examine the sources of your distress.

If there is an underlying psychological cause, then simply trying to boost your libido probably won’t help. You need to address the fundamental issue at hand first.

8. Consider hormone therapy

If your low libido stems from symptoms of menopause, hormone therapy could help. Vaginal dryness and atrophy can make sex painful, but hormonal patches, gels, sprays, and medications can all help.

Learning how to increase sex drive in women can be a matter of speaking with a doctor to receive hormone therapy. These therapies include:

  • Estrogen
  • Prasterone
  • Testosterone
  • Ospemifene

9. Eat foods that boost libido

Eating libido-boosting foods isn’t a quick fix for low sex drive. However, there is some truth behind the concept of aphrodisiacs. According to research, certain nutrients can help boost sex drive and fertility.

For example, diets high in animal protein, trans-fatty acids, and carbohydrates can have a negative impact on fertility. Diets high in vegetable protein, omega-3 fatty acids, and antioxidants could improve fertility.

Getting an adequate amount of these nutrients could help boost sex drive in some people. Some foods with the potential to boost libido include:

  • Citrus fruits
  • Legumes
  • Whole grains
  • Fresh vegetables
  • Nuts
  • Seafood

Foods that could contribute to a low sex drive may include:

  • Saturated fats like those found in fried food
  • Polyunsaturated fats like those found in vegetable oil
  • White flour and sugar
  • High sodium items

10. Try herbs for sex drive

If you prefer to stick with natural remedies for a low sex drive, herbs can be a great option. Some studies show that select natural herbs have the potential to boost libido.

Some herbs with the potential to boost your sex drive include:

  • Ginseng: Especially Korean Red Ginseng, which has been shown to help improve sex drive in women with menopause.
  • Maca: There is anecdotal evidence that this Peruvian root is an aphrodisiac.
  • Ginkgo Biloba: This extract has been shown to increase blood flow to the genitals.

Many of these herbal supplements can be found online or in natural health food stores.

11. Practice body acceptance

A low sex drive in women and men could be caused by a person’s body confidence.

Societal pressures, the media, upbringing, and mental health issues can cause some people to dislike their bodies. When you’re not feeling comfortable in your skin it may lower your sex drive. Practicing acceptance of your body can help you feel grateful for the skin you’re in, and boost confidence.

Body acceptance is definitely a practice, so don’t get too frustrated with yourself if you find it’s a challenge. Ways to practice body acceptance include:

  • Writing in a gratitude journal.
  • Consuming healthy foods that make you feel good.
  • Moving your body and getting exercise in ways you find enjoyable.
  • Working with a therapist.
  • Dressing in a way that makes you feel confident and comfortable.
  • Limiting media that makes you feel bad about yourself or your body.
  • Practicing positive self-talk.

12. Limit alcohol

Sure, alcohol may temporarily lower your inhibitions, but it can lower your libido and disrupt sexual functions.

One 2016 study showed that women reported less lubrication and difficulty reaching orgasm after drinking. Males reported that they felt less sensation in their genitals — also known as “whiskey dick” — when having sex under the influence of alcohol.

If you’re going to drink and are hoping to boost your sex drive, try to stay within one to three drinks.

What causes low sex drive?

There are many reasons someone may experience a low sex drive. Some of these reasons include:

Insider’s takeaway

Everyone’s sex drive is different, and that’s okay. If you’re experiencing a lower sex drive than what is normal for you, there can be many reasons. Health conditions, medications, psychological issues, and relationship problems can all cause low libido.

There are plenty of ways to boost your sex drive, though. Healthy lifestyle habits like exercise, diet, mindfulness, and self-love can get your libido up and running. Whether your libido is low or high, it doesn’t really matter, as long as you’re happy and satisfied with your sex life. If you’re not, there are plenty of ways to make a change.

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