Category: Sexual Performance Issues

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Men Have Low Sexual Desire, Too

By Gigi Engle

There is a common belief that cisgender female people enjoy sex less than men. Our social scripts dictate that a low desire for sex is entirely a cis-female problem. Cisgender male people, on the other hand, are expected to be insatiable sex machines, always down to get it on.

Here’s the tea, my curious folx: It’s not just a female problem.

We believe it’s important to note that our social conventions don’t take gender-fluid, non-binary, or transgender people into account because these conventions are driven by backward, heteronormative ideas. We’re not, in any way, trying to leave people out. Low desire can happen in literally anyone with any body parts.

This is an everyone-problem. Men and people with penises suffer from this bullshit script, too. If you’re expected to be this sex-crazed monster, you’re bound to feel messed up about it. “It can lead [cisgender men] to [feel] incredible shame, to questioning their masculinity and whether they are enough for their partner/s,” Lucy Rowett, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist, tells TheBody.

Assigned male at birth (AMAB) people aren’t encouraged to be open about this because it isn’t acceptable for a cis-male person to have low desire.

Let’s separate the facts from the myths because we all deserve the amazing, vibrant sex lives we want. There’s no shame in the game.

Understanding the Complexity of Desire

Understanding low desire means understanding how desire actually works. Desire is born out of complex and interconnected bio-psycho-social factors. This refers to the subjective and universal experiences each person faces. They are different for everyone because everyone has different experiences, relationships, and biological factors that influence their lives.

Let’s strip down bio-psycho-social to its bones: Our desire, or lack thereof, is influenced by our biology: health, age, sexual anatomy, abilities, etc; our psychology (psycho): individual psychology, beliefs, values, and emotions; and social factors: cultural context, social context, and our relationships with other people.

Desire is rarely something that just “happens.” It is something that develops out of a complex, psychologically driven context. “Often your libido can be like the ‘canary in the coal mine’ of what is happening in your overall health and well-being and could be a sign that you are under severe stress or burnout,” Rowett says. “It can also happen for emotional reasons, like problems in the relationship, feeling frustrated and turned off by their partner, or past trauma that has not been resolved.” (For more information on how desire can be impacted by our minds, check out these articles here and here).

The idea that “male sexuality is seen as biologically driven, autonomous, spontaneous, [that] those with penises don’t have to do anything to get a hard-on” really does a massive disservice to AMAB people, Jordan Dixon, a clinical sex and relationships psychotherapist, tells TheBody. We need to do away with these harmful myths and be willing to openly embrace our vulnerabilities to find common ground.

Misinformation About Low Libido Can Be Harmful

The falsities around AMAB desire are seriously detrimental to everyone. We talk a lot about how society’s messaging messes with cisgender women, but this leaves cis-men confused and in the dark.

What’s more, cis-men are encouraged to hide their emotions and never talk about their struggles—which only further compounds this issue. If you can’t talk about how you’re being impacted by low desire because you’re not supposed to have it and not supposed to talk about it or seek help, you’re pretty screwed (and not in a good way).

Trying to simplify AMAB desire into the tiny box that sees male desire as “always on, raw, natural, and including rock-hard penises” is detrimental to everyone. It is “disempowering [to cisgender women] and pressur[es] men to act as unemotional machines, focused purely on their ‘performance,’” rather than the pleasure, Dixon tells us.

The shame cycle that this ignites will only add further stress to someone who experiences low desire. This will, in turn, lead to further exacerbating their low desire. If you don’t break out of this toxic cycle, you won’t be able to change it.

How to Handle Low Desire in a World That Loves Toxic Masculinity

“If you are a male and struggling with low desire, remember that you are not the only one, and it is far more common than you think,” Rowett says. Cisgender men feel alone, broken, and isolated because there are essentially zero cultural representations of low male desire in our toxic masculine world.

It’s not about solving low desire by focusing on how to “fix the penis.” It’s about understanding the whole human person in front of us, Dixon explains. “Difficult feelings or sensations may have valuable messages,” she says. We need to invite AMAB people to explore “the messages their penises are giving them.” Some realize that, in contrast to their own desire to be accommodating, their penises are angry at being expected to perform and want prior attention. By voicing their own needs and wants, AMAB people have an opportunity to heal their wounds and, in doing so, cultivate more desire.

Through clinically approved exercises such as self-focus, meditation, and mindfulness, clients can explore past sexual shame, damaging cultural messages, and personal roadblocks to their libido. If low libido negatively impacts your life, seeing a qualified sexologist, sex coach, or sex therapist can be hugely impactful. These are professionals whose job is to work with sexual blockages and help you have the sex life you want.

At the end of the day, the only way we can rid ourselves of the harmful lies that shackle us is through education and communication. We need to be willing to be radically vulnerable to be free from toxic masculine double standards. Talking about it, joining together, and finding our community can truly set us free.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Four key steps to reviving your sex life

By Jelena Kecmanovic

Early in the pandemic, many coupled patients in my therapy practice mentioned sex less than usual. It was crowded out by all the other existential concerns and emotional problems. But as the world starts to reopen and spring is in the air, their interest in sex — and concern about the pandemic’s effect on it — has picked up. “I wonder if we’ll ever have regular sex again,” “We got out of habit and I don’t know how to bring it up,” and “I just don’t feel sexy after all we’ve gone through — but I’d like to” are common laments I hear.

Research indicates sex has suffered during the past two years. A 2022 review of 22 studies, including 2,454 women and 3,765 men, found a decrease in sexual activity and higher rates of sexual dysfunction during the pandemic. Another review of research from 18 countries, conducted until April 2021, showed that women experienced lower sex frequency as well as a decline in sexual satisfaction.

Many factors have contributed to this compromised sexual functioning. Biological reasons include the facts that “people experienced more stress and fear, less exercise, worse diets, more drinking and smoking, and increased use of antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications,” said Ian Kerner, relationship and sex therapist in New York City and the author of “So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex: Laying Bare and Learning to Repair Our Love Lives.”

Furthermore, rates of anxiety, depression and relationship conflict, all of which adversely affect sex, have gone up during the pandemic. Gail Guttman, a relationship and sex therapist in the D.C. area, added that being stuck at home with a partner and kids and having no privacy also have contributed to worsening sexual functioning.

Research indicates that a robust sex life is associated with higher individual and couple well-being — and that can be especially important during stressful times. A January 2021 Italian study, for example, found that both women and men who had sex during the pandemic lockdown exhibited lower depression and anxiety.

With infection rates falling, mask mandates lifting and experts designing road maps that will hopefully leave the pandemic in our rearview mirrors, now seems like a good time for couples to reinvigorate their sex lives. “There is an opportunity here to not just get back to normal, but to improve things in creative ways,” said David Ley, a psychologist and sex therapist in Albuquerque. This seems especially important given that the frequency of intercourse and other partnered sexual activities was falling even before the pandemic.

Here are steps that Ley and others recommended to help couples find their way back to each other physically.

Decide together that sex is important

If a couple wants to rekindle their sex life, it needs to be a mutual decision, followed by action. “People might think things will just get better on their own. But we need to prioritize sex if we want to see a change,” said Cynthia Graham, a professor in sexual and reproductive health within psychology at the University of Southampton, in the United Kingdom.

How do you prioritize sex? First, assess whether your relationship’s level of trust and goodwill toward each other provides a safe base for rekindling sex. “Being able to unite and together work on improving your sex life, instead of seeing it as ‘me vs. you’ problem, is a good start,” said Ley.

Then, make space for sex in your life, working together to identify and overcome barriers. Some couples might discover that helping each other lower stress or reduce fatigue — perhaps with a reallocation or reprioritization of responsibilities — is what’s needed. Others might find that reviving their emotional intimacy is a prerequisite for being physically intimate; one way to do that is to take turns answering the 36 questions in this study that were shown to increase closeness.

What is particularly important is to let go of any presumptions about your libido, the way sex is supposed to go or what will constitute sexual intimacy on any given night. Expectations that you’ll feel burning desire, experience fireworks in bed and achieve simultaneous orgasms — ideas typically fueled by unrealistic media portrayals — often backfire, as sex educator and researcher Emily Nagoski details in “Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life.” It is interesting that a significant number of older people report having satisfying sex lives because they learned to let go of assumptions and accept their bodies.

“You should replace sexual desire with willingness to show up and go through the motions which are pleasant for both of you, and might get you in the mood,” said Kerner. “Just being truly present goes a long way.”

Talk about sex

There is a paradox in our society: Sex is seemingly everywhere, all the time — in shows, videos, podcasts, magazines and ads, among other places — but couples at home avoid conversations about it. Many of my patients express high anxiety about the thought of bringing up anything pertaining to sex when talking with their partners, especially if they anticipate any disagreement. Mirroring my observations, a 2017 study found that couples feel much more anxious before conflictual conversations related to sex compared with other subjects.

Other research suggests that individuals in relationships also are reluctant to engage in sexual self-disclosure. “There is so much discomfort, shame, and fear of rejection that stops people from talking about sex,” said Ley. “And yet, the only way to improve your sex life is by discussing what optimal sex looks like for you and what’s standing in the way of achieving it. Sexual goals, preferences, fantasies and differences in desire levels can be all communicated and negotiated with empathy and kindness.”

Graham explained that sexual communication is strongly related to sexual satisfaction and that “there is a reciprocal relationship between sexual communication and desire.” So heed the advice of the 1990 song by Salt-N-Pepa, “Let’s Talk About Sex”: “Don’t be coy, avoid, or make void the topic / Cause that ain’t gonna stop it.” If you find yourself at a loss about how to broach the subject, any collection of sexually intimate questions — which can be found on relationship and wedding sites, and even Oprah.com — could give you some ideas. Be mindful to tailor your disclosures and questions to yourself and your partner.

Ignore the myth of spontaneity

Another cultural script that hurts our sex lives is the idea that — if you love each other — desire should appear out of nowhere, leading to hot, spontaneous sex. It turns out that only about 15 percent of women experience so-called spontaneous desire (the percentage is higher in men), and the rest have desire that is responsive to context, such as erotic materials, a sexy whisper or sensual smells. Imagining such things can increase desire, too.

So, there is nothing wrong with planning sex. “People are resistant to sex dates, but I remind them that sex was actually never completely spontaneous,” said Guttman. “When you were dating and thinking sex might happen, you’d put on nicer underwear.”

Kerner suggests picking a night to have sex, and then “living the whole day in a pro-sex way.” Imagination is your limit to what this could look like.

Increase novelty and play (not just in the bedroom)

Imagination is also crucial when it comes to brainstorming and engaging in activities with a partner in a way that broadens your sense of self and perspective of the world. Novel, surprising, and challenging activities have been shown to enhance sexual desire and satisfaction. So, be creative and join a Mediterranean cooking class together, learn to dance salsa or act like tourists in your own city.

After two years in raggedy leisure clothes, with limited interactions with the outside world, even dressing up and going out for a nice dinner (maybe in a new restaurant with a cuisine you’ve never tasted before) will feel adventurous and exciting. Even better if you make it a surprise.

If you want an additional boost in libido, try activities that get your and your partner’s heart-rate pumping. Hiking, biking, running or roller-coasters could do the trick

The common theme here is to allow yourself and your partner to step out of a goal-oriented, “responsible citizen” role for a bit. “The main advice I would give is: Play!” said Guttman. “Whether you go to a bar and pretend that you’re meeting for the first time, or you go on a little adventure to a sex toy store, in-person or online, what matters is being playful and laughing with your partner.”

Finally, “you can experiment with things that can enhance arousal,” said Kerner. “Pick [sexual] scenarios you think your partner would like and suggest them. You’ll be surprised how often they appreciate that. Or together enjoy some erotic literature, sexy podcast or steamy Netflix show.”

Now is our chance to rekindle passion and create better sex lives than before the pandemic. “Sex therapists all over the country that I supervise are noticing a sexual parallel to the Great Resignation,” said Ley. “There’s an explosion of interest in trying new ways of relating to each other and re-sparking.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Just Thinking Differently About Sexual Compatibility May Help a Dry Spell

By MIKE MCRAE

Psychologists have investigated two contrasting beliefs about the nature of sexual satisfaction, to find out which is more likely to help couples better navigate sexual compatibility.

Desire for sex with a new love interest typically starts strong and then wanes over time. Priorities rearrange, small incompatibilities become big ones, and the energy that comes with new relationships can be replaced by other virtues.

For some, a desire to maintain sexual intimacy requires a growth mindset that invests in an ongoing effort to overcome these challenges.

Others are more fatalistic, believing it primarily takes natural compatibility to keep the chemistry alive.

When it comes to overcoming sexual differences, the consequences of each belief have been investigated in the past, but their impact on our ability to negotiate relationships when the loss of sex gives way to depression and anxiety has not been fully appreciated.

So, a small group of psychologists from around the world carried out a longitudinal study on 97 couples where a female partner was diagnosed with significantly low levels of desire and arousal, to find how the partners’ beliefs correlated with changes in their sexual wellbeing.

Couples completed a baseline survey at the start of the study, and a follow-up one year later. After a few break-ups and non-completion of surveys were taken into account, the team had full data from 66 couples on things like sexual desire, frequency, conflict, and satisfaction, as well as incomplete data from 6 couples where only one partner submitted the follow-up survey.

Comparing the statistics revealed a few things about how we deal with sexual struggles as a relationship progresses. The researchers labelled the two beliefs “sexual growth belief” (it takes work) and “sexual destiny belief” (it’s natural compatibility).

For example, among the women with a diagnosis of low sexual desire – clinically referred to as Female Sexual Interest/Arousal Disorder (FSIAD) – a view that sexual satisfaction is all about natural chemistry was initially correlated with lower relationship satisfaction and higher conflict.

It was no picnic for their partner either. If they held similar beliefs, they too reported lower satisfaction in their relationship.

Among those with FSIAD who held sexual growth beliefs, sexual desire was a touch higher. Yet for their partners, desire was low, at least compared with partners in the group who believed sexual desire was more destined than designed.

Interestingly, that year seemed to make some difference. Whatever those initial beliefs were, the couples who completed the study generally experienced improvements in their sexual desire.

Partners with FSIAD were noting a significant improvement in desire and lower levels of depression, even though barely one in ten were seeking treatment.

This is good news, implying couples who have reason to stick it out will more than likely go through periods of improved sexual desire.

Overall, the results hint that having a growth mindset when it comes to sex could help a couple work through dry spells. Having a view that chemistry is key, on the other hand, initially adds to the stress and might even compound it by building a sense of helplessness.

“The findings demonstrate that in most cases, sexual destiny beliefs are associated with lower sexual, relationship, and personal well-being when coping with the women’s low desire, whereas sexual growth beliefs are linked to better well-being,” the authors conclude.

As is so often the case with psychology research, there’s a bunch of caveats and contexts to keep in mind.

Over 77 percent of the couples studied, for example, were in mixed-sex relationships and identified as straight (the sample did also include bisexual participants and people with other sexual orientations); most were married or living together, restricting the outcomes to couples who were relatively domestic. They also had to have been in a committed relationship with their partner for at least six months.

Most importantly, the research focused on female partners who were chronically distressed by a loss of sexual appetite.

That doesn’t mean there’s no sage advice for the rest of us. With this in mind, the research could help many couples to focus not just on the practicalities, but their beliefs about sex and compatibility, when it comes to finding ways to deal with changes in their sex lives.

“Sexual growth and destiny beliefs may be important to the sexual narratives that people hold about compatibility with their partner, and also their understanding of their agency in coping with a sexual difficulty to mitigate distress,” the authors write.

This research was published in The Journal of Sex Research.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Inside the push to study sex in space

NASA is weirdly prudish when it comes to doin’ it in the final frontier. These researchers want to change that.

By Mark Hay

Late last year, a team of five Canadian academics published a proposal calling upon major space organizations “to embrace a new discipline” of study. This new discipline, they argued, may prove vital to the success of planned efforts to push deeper into space — and potentially build off-world human settlements. They called this supposedly game-changing new field of research “space sexology: the scientific study of extraterrestrial intimacy and sexuality.”

In other words: doin’ it in space.

“Rocket science may take us to outer space,” the proposal’s authors added in a related article. “But it will be human relationships that determine if we thrive as a spacefaring civilization.”

It’s easy to brush this proposal off as the frivolous musing of horny academics overstating the importance of their specialties in hopes of building a playground in which they can pursue their pet interests freely. But if you pick through the text, it actually lays out a simple yet compelling argument.

If we ever truly want to establish off-world settlements — and people like Elon Musk do aim to do just that by 2050 — then we need informed plans for managing relationships and reproduction in those outposts. Sexual intimacy is vital for most people’s physical and mental health, so astronauts on multi-year missions may want, or even need, to maintain some kind of sex life while in space. We know that space environments can seriously warp any number of bodily processes, and by extension that sex and intimacy in space will not work like they do on earth. Yet there has never been a concentrated, dedicated effort to hash out the details of how to manage these core aspects of human life beyond our little blue orb.

Maria Santaguida, a psychologist at Concordia University and one of the proposal’s co-authors, notes that she and her colleagues are not the first to highlight the importance of studying sex in space. A handful of researchers spread across several continents and disciplines have been pushing this point for at least 30 years. Over the last few years especially, concerns about our collective lack of knowledge in this field have started to catch on with the public as well. A few artists have even created eye-catching speculative designs and prototypes of contraptions meant to help astronauts get down in the void in an effort to get people thinking about the issue.

Yet major space exploration and research players have historically dismissed these piecemeal calls to action, often aggressively and even derisively, as irrelevant to their work. Advocates of space sex research chalk this up to a mixture of limited bandwidth leading to the prioritization of other pressing concerns, and a pervasive culture of sexual conservatism created by the structure and funding mechanisms behind most agencies.

“But change is happening,” Santaguida told Mic. Change that might open avenues for a fleshed-out proposal like her team’s to attract concentrated support, and gain some traction with space agencies, as well as private industry players.

Everything We (Don’t) Know About Sex In Space

Since the early days of human space exploration in the mid-20th century, we’ve recognized that low gravity environments have major effects on almost every human bodily system — like blood flow, muscle and skeletal strength, and even hormonal balances. We’ve also recognized that, without the protection of earth’s magnetic field, people in space are exposed to wildly high levels of ambient radiation that, over time, can mess with our bodies and DNA, potentially leading to a host of conditions ranging from radiation sickness to cancer to nerve degeneration.

Early space biology understandably put its focus on figuring out how to keep astronauts alive in this hostile environment, and how to rehabilitate them once they return to earth. These early space missions were also so intense, brief, and cramped — usually just a couple of people in a tiny metal can hurtling into a brutal and unknown vacuum — that there was no reason to consider sex.

But in the 1980s, after the Soviet Union launched the Mir, a groundbreaking space station that allowed astronauts to remain in space for months on end, space scientists, including some on the United States National Research Council, started to raise concerns about the effects of long-term space travel on sexual and reproductive health. Reports from the time stress how little we knew about the effects of space environments on fertility and sexual functioning. And when the USSR started running co-ed missions, also in the 80s, public commentators got to musing in the press about the prospect of sex in space: Was it happening? What would it be like? Would it even be safe?

Over the last decade or so, the increasingly real prospect of space tourism and settlement efforts has fueled a new burst of popular interest in extraterrestrial sex. Articles, conferences, and even TV specials on the nitty-gritty details of how doing it in space might or might not work now abound. They detail how, in low gravity environments, any thrust or push might send two people flying away from each other. How low gravity’s effects on hormone levels and blood flow might take a toll on people’s sex drive, and make it hard to get physically aroused. How liquids pool up for lack of gravity, potentially leading to giant globs of sweat and cum floating about.

In the 80s, NASA reportedly dismissed concerns about the effects of space on sexual health as “professional carping” by biologists — a big stink over nothing. “They believe the animal studies in space that some scientists have called for are difficult and uninformative,” Celia Hooper of United International Press wrote in a 1988 expose on the topic. A waste of cargo space.

“Research on human intimacy and sexuality in space — including their socio-cultural and psychological components — is quasi-nonexistent.” – Simon Dubé, co-author of the space sexology proposal

Eventually, the agency changed its tune. A NASA representative told Mic it and its partners have “studied the basic science of reproductive physiology in several species including fruit flies, worms, snails, jellyfish, fish, frogs, chicken (bird) eggs, and rodents. Other research studies have also been completed using bull and human sperm.” Several other space agencies and external research groups have conducted their own studies on space’s effects on sexual and reproductive health, and academics have just started to compile comprehensive reviews of their findings.

However, one review published in 2018 by the scientists Alex Layendecker and Shawna Pandya argues that the data generated by these experiments “are scant, often conflicting, and do not provide enough information to definitively say whether or not [reproductive] physiological processes can safely and successfully occur in a space environment.” Notably, data collected from animal models may not apply to human subjects; data collected during short experiments in one specific space environment may not tell us anything about the effects of long-term missions in an environment with a unique gravity and radiation profile; and data on one stage of reproduction doesn’t necessarily tell us anything about space’s effects on another stage of reproduction.

“If you were to take reproduction and break it down into all of its various parts,” the space medicine expert Kris Lehnhardt told National Geographic, also in 2018, “there’s never really been a dedicated scientific program that looked at how each of these steps is affected.” At best, we can hazard sporadic guesses at the effects of any given space environment on people’s reproductive organs, on the process of conception and gestation, on a newborn child.

And Simon Dubé, another Concordia University psychologist and co-author of the space sexology proposal, adds that all this research only tackles one narrow sliver of human sexual experiences: reproduction. “Research on human intimacy and sexuality in space — including their socio-cultural and psychological components — is quasi-nonexistent,” he told Mic.

“No research has explored intimate relationships, nor the human experience of sexual functions and wellbeing, in space or space analogues, or how any of this can affect crew performance.”

Why Space Agencies Don’t Want To Talk About Sex

Whenever reporters or researchers push space agencies to talk about not just reproductive health but the act of sex itself — much less intimate relationships — they usually just clam up.

When Mic asked NASA for comment on the sex-and-relationship-specific concerns and research priorities outlined in the Canadian academics’ space sexology proposal, a representative said they had “not reviewed this proposal, so it would not be appropriate for us to comment on it.”

No other agencies responded to requests for comment.

Some observers argue space agencies only attend to, or engage with questions on, reproductive health because they aren’t interested in off-world tourism or settlement — just raw space science.

Sure, they’re planning ambitious exploration projects, like NASA’s Project Artemis, which will involve prolonged stays on the moon, and then eventual human travel to Mars. These missions could leave small teams of astronauts in space for years on end. But NASA and other big space agencies have reportedly long feared that intimate relationships could jeopardize crew stability, rather than contribute to astronauts’ mental and physical wellbeing. So, they’ve traditionally called for abstinence on missions.

“We are primarily concerned with ensuring crew members’ health and safety in space for long periods of time,” the NASA representative told Mic. “Our Human Research Program is working to mitigate the five hazards of human spaceflight and researching ways to help crews work together and remain emotionally prepared during their journey.”

“Although astronauts are held as professionals, long term missions beginning at two and a half years open possibilities for conception.” – Seth Barbrow, U.S. military physician

“Should a future need for more in-depth study on reproductive health in space be identified, NASA would take the appropriate steps.” But, they added, “we are not currently seeking proposals or considering a dedicated field or project office on this topic.”

Periodically, rumors circulate about astronauts breaking tacit no-sex rules. Notably, in 1992 two NASA astronauts secretly fell in love and got married during training, told their superiors about their relationship when it was too late to alter their mission, and went to space together, spurring a ton of tabloid gossip. Tellingly, astronauts usually respond to these rumors with either offhand dismissal, or borderline indignation at the thought that they’d ever consider having sex in space, and by so doing supposedly jeopardizing their missions. “We are a group of professionals,” NASA’s Alan Poindexter told reporters back in 2010 when asked if any hot action went down during a two-week mission to the International Space Station. “We treat each other with respect, and we have a great working relationship. Personal relationships are not … an issue.”

“We don’t have them and we won’t.”

Valeri Polyakov, a Russian cosmonaut who spent 437 days in space in the ‘90s, did keep a diary in which he noted that state psychologists recommended he take a sex doll with him to deal with any urges he might have, and suggested that the Mir had a small collection of dirty movies. But he rejected this recommendation, and said that his horniness just faded after he ignored it.

Several doctors argue that banking on abstinence during long-term space missions is a naïve position to take — including at least one United States military physician. In a 2020 policy memo, Seth Barbrow of the Military Academy wrote: “Although astronauts are held as professionals, long term missions beginning at two and a half years open possibilities for conception.”

However, agency critics often argue that this is not pure naivete. Willful sexual ignorance, after all, is out of character for a group of serious scientists.

Instead, these critics and skeptics believe the agencies’ stony silence on sex stems from the fact that they all rely primarily on state funding. NASA actually allegedly censored images of human nudity on several probes sent into space, which were meant to show any aliens who might encounter them what humans look like, because of concerns about how the public, and Congress, would react to them sending porn into space.

“All it takes is one member of Congress complaining about smut to torpedo future funding,” says Jon Lomberg, a space artist who worked on those probes. “Why would NASA risk it?”

The Free Market Fails Again

Whatever their reasoning, if the major space agencies are not going to explore sex in space, some argue that private space organizations, like Musk’s SpaceX or Jeff Bezos’s Blue Origin, might pick up the torch. After all, they’re not only free to pursue their own interests — they’re also the main forces pushing for the creation of space tourism ventures and off-world settlements.

But these private organizations have been awfully quiet about sex and intimacy in space as well. Musk notably brushed off concerns about the effects of space on any aspect of human biology, arguing that his job is just to work out the hardware of how to get to Mars cheaply, quickly, and reliably. Mars One, the defunct organization that planned to settle Mars, also waved away questions about sex by saying that it’d give every settler ample contraception, tell them about the known risks of space environments for sex, reproductive health, and child development, and see what happened.

Neither Blue Origin, SpaceX, or any other private space venture Mic reached out to replied to a request for comment.

“Everyone is focused on the hardware” that will get us farther into space, Lehnhardt said back in 2018 of these sorts of ventures. “And the hardware is great, but in the end it’s the squishy meat-sack that messes everything up. Ignoring the human system, if you will, in future plans and designs is only going to lead to failure,” no matter how impressive a firm’s hardware may be.

Academics, either independent or ensconced in universities, also tend to have more freedom to explore subjects that the big space agencies might not want or be able to work on themselves. After all, they’ve been the ones leading the sporadic charge to improve research on sex in space for decades now. But scholars have their own funding and bandwidth limitations — and often lack access to actual space resources, forcing them to run experiments in rough analogue simulations of actual space flights, which inherently limits the potential of their research. The team behind the recent space sexology proposal note that while they want to connect the discipline to a major space agency they also think it’s important to build ties to universities, private corporations, and anyone else who might have relevant resources.

“We need to bring everyone to the table to holistically address the transdisciplinary challenges of human eroticism in space, and facilitate wellbeing, as we journey to the final frontier,” says Judith Lapierre, a Université Laval health expert, and one of the co-authors of the proposal.

The Future of Space Sexology

So, how is a simple proposal to create a new field of study going to turn this tide of systematic neglect and ignorance? Why does this team of academics believe their appeal will gain traction with major space agencies when decades of (admittedly ad hoc) space sex advocacy has failed?

Dave Anctil, a scientific ethics expert at the Collège Jean De Brébeuf and one of the proposal’s co-authors, says it all comes down to calendars. The closer space agencies and private companies get to launching their big projects, he argues, the harder it’s become for them to ignore all the human aspects of these ventures that they’ve long shunted to the side. They may not want to acknowledge sex and intimacy. But it’s slowly shoving its way into their faces.

“More and more researchers around the globe and people working in the space sector recognize that addressing human intimate and sexual needs in space is one of the keys to unlocking our long-term expansion into the universe,” Santaguida told Mic.

“There has been great positive interest in our proposal from the media, the public, and some people working in the space sector,” adds Dubé. “We hope to leverage this interest to make innovative collaborations and science happen in the near future.”

These may sound like the unduly optimistic platitudes of activists. But there are faint signs that the team may be onto something. Notably, NASA seems far more receptive to questions about sex and intimacy in space than they have been in the past — when they might have just ignored queries like Mic’s. There’s also some paper trail evidence that people within NASA are trying to push the agency to funnel money into ambitious new sexual health projects.

Of course, even if the Canadian team’s proposal to create a new field does gain traction as they hope, moving from a tentative framework to a living, breathing, and productive project will be a long, complicated process. Notably, the academics and their allies will have to figure out how to design robust experiments, and perform them ethically, in space or space-like environments.

But Dubé is confident that they’ll figure something out, so long as they can get enough dedicated resources for space sexology to thrive. After all, space science has always been about taking big swings, and then just kinda making them work. And, Lapierre adds, as humans push into space, “it would be nothing short of unethical to let these roadblocks stand in the way of knowledge.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Enjoying Sex, One of Life’s Not-so-Simple Pleasures

by Brittany Foster

“There were nights of endless pleasure. It was more than any laws allow.”

Celine Dion’s “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now” is a classic. As I sang along, I couldn’t help but wonder, what kind of sex is Celine Dion having, and where can I sign up? One of life’s greatest pleasures is pleasure itself, but why can this sometimes feel impossible to achieve?

Living with a rare disease can feel like a hindrance to achieving an orgasm. Emotional dysregulation, physical pain, and loss of libido frustratingly complicate that toe-curling and back-arching feeling of whole-body bliss.

Although I am still wondering what the secret is to having those “nights of endless pleasure,” I have learned more about myself and my body in the last few years, which has helped strengthen my ability to have an orgasm. I’ve learned the importance of listening to my body, respecting and trusting my physical cues, and getting in touch with myself.

Some days, it is easier for me to ignore my body. Listening to it would mean that I have to acknowledge the hurt and pain. There was a long period of my life when I chose not to listen to my body. I was afraid of admitting when things felt too painful. I distanced myself from my body, and that strategy seemed to work. Ignorance was bliss until it wasn’t.

Numbing myself physically and emotionally just created a larger disconnect between my body and mind. This distance doesn’t help when it comes to physical pleasure and sex. Eventually, I started paying attention to how my body felt in the moment. Focusing on the most sensitive areas helped me to be present and created less distance between my body and mind.

Not only is listening to my body helpful when it comes to achieving powerful orgasms, but trust and respect are equally important. Trusting and respecting myself are half the battle. With rare disease and chronic illness, it is not uncommon to feel upset at my body for being so untrustworthy. My body is inconsistent, deceiving, and unpredictable.

If these were qualities of a partner, it would feel toxic. Instead of focusing on these inconsistencies, I’ve found it helpful to practice gratitude for the things my body can do every day, even if it’s a small victory. When it comes to pleasure, it’s necessary for me to have self-confidence and appreciation for what my body is capable of.

Mind-blowing orgasms can’t happen without communication. For me to communicate what my needs are, I first have to understand them myself. Getting in touch with myself and my physical desires has made a difference in the way I talk about my needs with a partner. It has given me confidence to speak up, which is something I have always struggled with.

Self-exploration is vital when it comes to pleasure. I have experimented with different lubrication, pressure, speeds, temperatures, textures, vibrations, and more. What feels right in one moment might not be suitable for another. Making time for myself and learning about my body are forms of self-care that shouldn’t be so shameful to talk about.

I may not be at the level of “nights of endless pleasure” yet, but I have had hours of it broken up into multiple rounds. Sexual pleasure does not always come easily, especially for those living with rare and chronic illness. I have had to shorten the disconnect between my body and mind, learn to trust that my body was capable of more, and had to explore what felt right.

Even though I am living with a rare disease, I still deserve to enjoy one of life’s simple pleasures: pleasure itself.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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We’re having less sex because we’re too busy, not because of social media

Research suggests that adults and teenagers are having less sex now than 30 years ago. But is there more to the story, and why does it matter anyway?

 

By

Adults and young people in the US seem to be having less sex than previous generations, according to a study published in November 2021. As is often the case, mobile phones have been named as the cause of this change in behaviour, but is that really what’s going on?

This finding was based on data from the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior (NSSHB), comparing over 8,500 individuals responses from 2009 and 2018.

The results echoed a similar study in the UK, called the National Surveys of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal), which has been collecting information about the public’s sexual experiences for over three decades.

The Natsal researchers have found that with every survey, the average number of occasions of sex per week has decreased: in 1991, respondents said they had sex five times a month. In 2001, this was down to four times per month, and by 2012, the average number was three per month. Unfortunately, the fourth survey was postponed due to COVID-19, though the team hope to complete the study in 2022-23.

When asked if Brits are having less sex, Soazig Clifton, the academic director for Natsal at University College London, replied with “a resounding yes”. But it’s not just the case in the UK and the US. “If you look around the world, other comparable studies show a decrease as well. So, it seems to be a real international trend.”

Studies in Germany looking at sexual activity in men and women showed a decline from 2005 to 2016, which the researchers suggest could be due to “a reduced proportion of [individuals] living with a partner”. But Clifton says that extracting the data of only cohabiting couples, Natsal researchers still found a decrease in sexual activity over the three studies.

Both the Natsal UK study and the US NSSHB study split findings between adolescents and adults. Both found that the two groups were having less sex. For teens in particular, the US researchers found a significant difference in the instances of heterosexual sex – in 2009, 79 per cent of those between the ages 14-17 said they had not had sex in the past year. Nearly a decade later, 89 per cent of adolescents reported no sex.

Why aren’t the kids doing it?

Some have asked whether this could be down to young adults’ penchant (and perhaps preference) for social media and video gaming. Clifton warns that observational studies, like Natsal and NSSHB, “can’t easily answer the ‘why’ questions”.

“It is certainly theoretically plausible that people are spending so much time on their iPads and phones, connecting with others virtually rather than having sex with the person next to them,” says Clifton.

But it’s also possible that people feel more comfortable talking about sex now, compared with the 1990s, says Clifton. “Maybe people are more able to tell us that they’re not having sex. There is some statistical work we’ve done that shows we have a bit less reporting bias in our data. These decreases in biases would go along with the increased, more nuanced public conversation about sex.” However, Clifton explains this wouldn’t solely account for such a striking trend, though admits it might be part of the problem.

The idea that we are too busy – with phones, games or life in general – has been the subject of smaller, qualitative work by the Natsal. “The researchers worked with middle-aged women,” says Clifton. “And something that came up in that research was that women were too tired for sex. They had so much else going on in their life.”

“We looked at the first lockdown, which was particularly restrictive, and the impact on sex lives was really different for different groups of people.” The Natsal-COVID study showed that for people living with a partner, the frequency of sex was roughly the same as before the lockdown.

“In fact, most people didn’t report a change in their satisfaction with their sex lives. Some people say to me, ‘everyone will be having more sex because they were locked in a house together’. It’s just not the case.

“However, we were more likely to see a decline in frequency and satisfaction amongst people not living with partners, and amongst young people,” says Clifton.

Satisfaction, not frequency, is key, says Clifton. Prior to the pandemic, Natsal researchers found that most people believed others were having more frequent sex than they were having themselves. This misalignment could cause dissatisfaction in itself, one Natsal researcher wrote.

Why does it matter how much sex people are having?

“It’s part of the picture of understanding society, along with other areas of health and behaviours in our population,” says Clifton.

“Sometimes [sexual activity] gets dismissed as being less important than other aspects of people’s lives. For some people, it’s a really important part of their life.”

These studies are even more important in countries with related problems, like declining birth rates. “Some of the countries who have also seen the decline in sex are quite worried about their declining birth rate – understanding patterns of sexual behaviour and frequency of sex are an important part of that puzzle.

“The Natsal study covers a wide range of topics related to sexual health, much more than just how often people are having sex. We cover things like nonconsensual sex, STIs, and different reproductive health outcomes.”

In the UK, Clifton says that there are those that would like to be having more sex, though most participants who reported having no sex in the past year said they were not dissatisfied with their sexual lives. For couples and the importance of sex for sustaining relationships, Clifton says there is some evidence it’s quality, not quantity, that matters.

“We don’t need to be worried about whether our relationship is going to fall apart [because of it].”

In fact, 25 per cent of men and women who are in a relationship reported that they do not share the same level of interest in sex as their partner. What we see in the media, Clifton says, is a misrepresentation of what’s normal in terms of sex. Instead of making people feel bad about their sex lives, understanding averages can help us feel happier with what we’ve got, three times a month.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Female sexuality and the ‘orgasm gap’ are coming to the forefront of conversations during worldwide lockdowns

While men orgasm 85% of the time they have sex on average, women only reach climax 63% of the time.

By Lindsay Dodgson

  • Female pleasure appears to be coming to the forefront of conversations around sex during the coronavirus pandemic.
  • Emjoy, an app that helps women learn more about their sexuality and needs, has seen a 160% increase in use since worldwide lockdowns began.
  • Insider spoke to sex and relationship experts about why this might be.
  • For starters, couples or single people who are socially distancing have more time to spend in their own company and work out what they like.
  • Couples who are isolating together may also be able to devote time to what they want to improve about their sex lives.

Sex is a pretty big topic of conversation right now, either because you’re stuck inside with a partner with little else to do, or you’re isolating alone and can’t have any.

Female pleasure appears to be a particular focus due to apps that provide information about women’s needs, and Facebook ads popping up for research centers like OMGYES which are exploring the specific ways women enjoy sexual touch.

Emjoy, an app that helps women learn more about their bodies and what they like through audio, has seen a 160% increase in use since worldwide lockdowns began.

“Being home for so long, people are looking for new resources to incorporate new healthy habits to their routines,” Emjoy’s CEO and cofounder Andrea Oliver told Insider. “Some of us have so much more free time in our hands, so we might as well put it to good use. And what better use than a good, dopamine-infused session of self-love?”

Time alone can make us face things we’ve been ignoring

Intimacy expert Dr Shirin Lakhani, from the Elite Aesthetics clinic, told Insider she’s seen many more social media posts about the “orgasm gap” and women’s sexual needs during lockdown, and has been contacted by many women who are worried about their libido or inability to climax.

“For many people, being in this lockdown situation has exacerbated a lot of things, including stress, poor diet and lifestyle, excess alcohol, and drug intake, which can all affect orgasms, or lack of them,” she said.

“On the other hand it has also resulted in people being forced to spend more time than usual at home with their partner and have more sex than usual, which in turn makes concerns such as the orgasm gap more noticeable and in time become more of an issue of concern.”

Relationship coach Sarah Louise Ryan told Insider many couples might be forced to think about whether they really are satisfied with their sex lives while isolating together.

“We often put our needs not being met down to many other factors in usual circumstances,” she said. “We talk about being too busy, we buy into the idea that sex is another one of those things we should fit into our calendars, we blame our lack of sexual fulfillment on not having the time and patience for exploration or stresses of external factors such as children, finances, or juggling it all.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Prevent Erectile Dysfunction

By Shamard Charles, MD, MPH

Erectile dysfunction (ED) is the inability to develop and maintain a penile erection for satisfactory sexual intercourse or activity. It is the most commonly reported sex problem in people with a penis, affecting at least 18 million people in the United States.1 It is also called erectile disorder.

The symptoms of ED may be exacerbated by age due to natural declines in testosterone.1 Testosterone is a hormone that influences the sex drive, among other functions. Testosterone replacement does not improve ED but can help with libido and arousal, making it easier to get an erection.

The ability to develop and maintain an erection is largely governed by sexual arousal, a complex process that involves the brain, hormones, emotions, nerves, muscles, and blood vessels.

Although older age is the variable most strongly associated with ED, physical or psychological factors can impact sexual function, desire, or arousal, all of which can cause ED.2

This article will discuss ways to prevent ED, including diet, exercise, losing excess weight, managing high blood pressure and cholesterol, smoking cessation, alcohol moderation, stress reduction, and more.

Eat a Healthy Diet

Eating a diet rich in natural foods like fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and fish—with lesser amounts of red and processed meats and refined grains—has been shown to decrease the likelihood of ED.

A study of over 21,000 found that men with the greatest adherence to a Mediterranean diet or Alternative Healthy Eating Index 2010 (AHEI-2010) diet were least likely to develop erectile dysfunction.1

These diets emphasize the consumption of vegetables, fruits, nuts, legumes, and fish or other sources of long-chain fatty acids (types of omega-3 fatty acids), and avoidance of red and processed meats.

Men under 60 who most closely adhered to the Mediterranean diet were 40% more likely to regain normal sexual function.1 Of note, eating a heart-healthy diet also lowers your cardiovascular risk factors, such as blood pressure, blood sugar, and cholesterol levels. These factors greatly contribute to the development of ED.

Exercise

Keeping up with a regular exercise routine is especially helpful for those whose ED is caused by inactivity, poor circulation, obesity, low testosterone, or cardiovascular disease.

Exercise lowers blood pressure and blood sugar, increases blood circulation throughout the body, and improves heart health. It is also a natural way to raise testosterone levels.3 Burning fat also decreases the risk of vascular (blood vessel) disease and diabetes—two major causes of ED.

Curing your ED doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to make drastic changes. Even small increases in activity can make a difference.

One study found that patients recovering from a heart attack who were put on a progressive walking program starting at just six minutes a day reported 71% fewer incidences of ED over 30 days than those who didn’t walk.4

Other research has suggested that moderate exercise can help restore sexual performance in obese middle-aged people with ED.5

People with ED found at an early age (before age 50) may have undiagnosed cardiac problems. A person in this age group may be sent for a heart evaluation before treatment is started for the erection problems. Early-onset ED could be a warning sign for deeper issues in the heart.

Lose Weight If Needed

Losing weight is a health goal for many reasons. Can one of those reasons be to help cure erectile dysfunction? The short answer is yes.

Weight loss has a twofold advantage of directly alleviating ED and improving your physical health. Dropping a few pounds lowers blood pressure and prevents further narrowing and blockages in your arteries, allowing blood to travel more efficiently.

Studies have shown that excess belly fat can cause an inability to get or maintain an erection.6 The endothelium, a small sheath of tissue that forms the interior lining of all our blood vessels, can become damaged by excess belly fat.

As a result, your body may not release enough nitric oxide—a molecule that signals the surrounding muscles to relax in order for the blood vessels to dilate and create an erection.7 Even more, carrying excess weight can lower testosterone levels, which further compounds the problem.

Having excess weight can also lead to a visible loss in penile length. Losing weight may lead to a visibly larger length to the penis, with the extra fat and tissue no longer covering up the base of the penis. The extra visible length is an added bonus to better erection quality with weight loss.

Fortunately, reducing your beltline can reverse your ED. In one major study, over 30% of men minimized, if not completely cured, erectile dysfunction via weight loss by eating 300 fewer calories per day and exercising more over several weeks.8

Weight loss typically comes from both reducing your calorie intake and increasing physical activity. Increasing physical activity seems especially helpful in lowering rates of ED.5

Losing weight, particularly belly fat, is integral to alleviating ED. Here are some ways you can reduce your waist size:

  • Eat regular nutritious meals. Avoid skipping meals. Substitute cooked meals for processed foods and takeout. Eat a balanced diet of fruits and vegetables.
  • Emphasize portion control. Keeping portion sizes in check using the MyPlate method (in which you eat the different food groups in appropriate amounts) is a great way to curtail overeating and ensure that you eat a balanced meal.
  • Replace sugary beverages like soda, energy drinks, and fruit juices with water, black coffee, or unsweetened tea.
  • Limit alcohol. Alcohol use is often associated with poor eating habits. Also, the liver burns alcohol instead of fat, which results in bigger waistlines.
  • Incorporate more fiber into your diet. Fiber makes you feel fuller for longer, which curtails mindless eating.
  • Exercise daily. The United States Preventive Services Task Force (USPSTF) recommends 30 minutes of sweat-breaking exercise for a minimum of five days a week.9

Manage Blood Pressure

High blood pressure damages blood vessels, reducing blood flow throughout the body, including the penis. Hardened and narrow blood vessels make it difficult for blood to flow into the penis before intercourse.10

Erectile dysfunction may be an early warning sign of damaged blood vessels. When your blood flows naturally, you can have healthy erections. Natural arousal leads to increased blood flow to your penis, causing an erection.

This process becomes more difficult with high blood pressure. Slowing of blood flow in the pelvic region can make getting or maintaining an erection a challenge. This change in sexual function is sometimes a warning sign of a larger problem, prompting people to seek help.

People who have isolated high blood pressure but otherwise a clean bill of health are usually safe taking ED drugs. But if you have health complications like severe cardiovascular disease or urinary tract issues, ED drugs are generally not recommended.11

It is also important to avoid high blood pressure, as medical treatments for blood pressure have the potential side effect of ED.

Avoid High Cholesterol

High cholesterol is a risk factor for many conditions that can lead to ED, such as heart disease.12 High cholesterol levels lead to atherosclerosis, a condition that hardens and narrows blood vessel walls.

Atherosclerosis reduces blood flow throughout the body, including the penis. Hardened and narrow blood vessels make it difficult for blood to flow into the penis before intercourse.

One of the earliest signs of heart disease is the inability of blood vessels in the penis to enlarge, allowing enough blood flow to get and maintain an erection. One study found that men over the age of 69 with ED had more than twice the number of heart attacks, cardiac arrests, and strokes than similarly aged men without ED.13

Eating a heart-healthy diet, doing routine exercise, and taking a statin, or another prescribed cholesterol-lowering drug, can bring your cholesterol to healthy levels, decreasing your cardiovascular risk and potentially alleviating your ED symptoms along the way.

Don’t Smoke

Smoking is an independent risk factor for ED. It causes vascular changes to the endothelium of blood vessels, which interferes with nitric oxide production and signaling.14

Smoking also causes vascular changes that increase your risk of heart disease, hypertension (high blood pressure), and diabetes, which are also associated with the development of erectile dysfunction.

Many people smoke to reduce their sexual performance anxiety (fear or worry related to having sex), unaware that they are exacerbating the problem.

Quitting smoking has immense health benefits. So even though it may not completely reverse ED, it may contribute significantly to improving penile function and your overall health.14

Experts believe that vaping is no better than cigarettes when it comes to the risk of erectile dysfunction.15 Try to avoid smoking altogether, whether cigarettes, cigars, or vaping.

Drink Alcohol in Moderation

Drinking large amounts of alcohol can make it difficult to get or keep an erection because alcohol interferes with the chemical messengers that tell the penis to fill with blood.

One study looking at nearly 50,000 men found that over half of those who reported that they were alcohol dependent had some type of sexual dysfunction, with one quarter citing ED as their main problem.16

Chronic alcohol use also interferes with the production of testosterone, the hormone that governs male sexual functioning. Lower testosterone levels affect sperm production and sexual desire. Alcohol can also increase your total calorie intake; that can cause increased weight gain, which can also exacerbate ED.

Heavy alcohol use has also been associated with:17

  • Low sexual drive (libido)
  • Reduction in size of sex organs (binge drinking over a long time can cause the testes and penis to shrink)
  • Lower fertility
  • Higher rate of sexually transmitted infections (chronic alcohol users are more likely to engage in sexual practices that carry a higher risk)

If alcohol use is the sole culprit of ED, the condition will usually resolve once alcohol use is stopped.

Check Testosterone

Testosterone levels drop with aging, so as you get older you may want to check your levels if you’re experiencing symptoms of ED. 

Testosterone is central in the male sexual response, including the desire for sex and the mechanics of triggering an erection.12 Lower levels could mean problems getting and maintaining an erection, although people with perfectly normal amounts of testosterone can have erectile dysfunction.

Boosting testosterone alone doesn’t always improve erections, but it can in a subset of people, so it should be considered for those with low testosterone.12 Taking low doses of testosterone may also give you the added benefit of increased libido.

Still, improved testosterone levels don’t always mean levels that are high enough to make a difference in sexual performance. It is not unusual for a healthcare professional to add Viagra (sildenafil) or a similar medication if a person is still not satisfied with the quality of their erection when given testosterone therapy alone.2

Avoid Anabolic Steroids

Every year, 1 million to 3 million people in the United States use anabolic steroids (AAS).18 These drugs have been used off-label (for other than indications approved by the Food and Drug Administration, or FDA) for decades. Various reasons include enhanced aesthetics, improved athletic performance, increased muscle mass, or other symptomatic benefits.18

Anabolic steroids interfere with the body’s capacity to produce testosterone, which may lead to erectile dysfunction.

Taking steroids, whether androgens taken as part of testosterone therapy for a medical condition or recreational anabolic steroid use in bodybuilding, can affect the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis. This means that it upsets your balance and regulation of hormones and impacts pituitary gland function.

Fortunately, ED issues such as testicle shrinkage and low libido may begin to disappear once you stop steroid use.

Check Medication Side Effects

It’s been estimated that 25% of all ED is caused by side effects from medication.19 Certain drugs taken for high blood pressure—notably thiazide diuretics (water pills) and beta blockers—have been linked with deterioration in sexual function.

Therefore, be on the lookout for medications in these drug classes, and never start a blood pressure medication without medical supervision.19

Avoid Stress

Like alcohol, stress interferes with signals between the brain and body that get and maintain erections. The brain plays a key role in triggering the series of physical events that cause an erection, starting with feelings of sexual excitement.

A number of stressors can interfere with sexual feelings and cause or worsen erectile dysfunction. These include:

  • Depression, anxiety, or other mental health conditions
  • Job loss, job promotion, or work stress
  • Financial burdens
  • Death in the family 
  • Changes in health
  • Relationship problems due to stress, poor communication, or other concerns
  • Anxiety about sexual performance

Increased stress can also increase your risk of other conditions that may cause ED, such as heart disease, high blood pressure, high cholesterol levels, obesity, and excessive alcohol consumption. These all contribute to ED independently, so addressing the root cause of your stress is paramount in alleviating ED in many people.

Talk therapy is a useful tool to unpack your thoughts and feelings, and sometimes it’s all that you need to jumpstart your sex life. It’s also important to note that stress can be both a cause and a symptom of ED.

In other words, stress can affect your sexual arousal and therefore cause ED. But not being able to perform in bed may also make you anxious and nervous or lead to sexual avoidance, which can further exacerbate your ED.20

Talking to your partner about ED can be understandably difficult, but communication is a part of any healthy relationship and sex life. Talking about your difficulties takes the pressure off you and informs your partner of what’s going on.

It can also serve as an opportunity to engage in more pro-healthy behaviors like quitting smoking, exercising more, and eating a heart-healthy diet.

Joining a support group and reimagining your sex life are also worthwhile coping mechanisms. Talking to strangers can be a stress reliever.

Hearing the thoughts and feelings of others can serve as a reminder that intimacy is not dependent on penile penetration. Naughty talk, foreplay, and intimate touching are also important components of a healthy sex life.

Summary

You can help prevent many of the causes of erectile dysfunction. Following a healthy eating plan, quitting smoking, never doing drugs, limiting alcohol, maintaining a healthy body weight, monitoring blood pressure and blood sugar, and aiming for at least 30 minutes of activity most days are tried-and-true methods that not only stave off ED, but keep your heart healthy and strong.

A Word From Verywell

If you are having trouble maintaining a healthy lifestyle or natural methods have not prevented ED, talk to a healthcare professional who has expert knowledge in the management of ED. Together, you may uncover other tactics to use. In addition, there are prescription medications and even surgical treatments that may help.

Frequently Asked Questions

  • Who is most at risk of erectile dysfunction?
    People over the age of 60 are at the highest risk of ED because of natural drops in testosterone levels. Approximately 40% of people with a penis have some experience of ED by age 40. By age 70, nearly 70% are impacted to some degree.21
  • What is the main cause of erectile dysfunction?It’s difficult to think of ED as a condition with one cause and one effect. A multitude of risk factors for ED should be considered.

    The ability to develop and maintain an erection is largely governed by sexual arousal, a complex process that involves the brain, hormones, emotions, nerves, muscles, and blood vessels. Physical or psychological factors can impact sexual function, desire, or arousal, all of which can cause ED.

    ED is commonly caused by decreases in testosterone with age, as well as impaired blood flow to the penis due to a multitude of conditions ranging from diabetes and high blood pressure to heart disease and side effects of medication.

    The impact of mental illness, such as depression and anxiety, as well as psychological factors like stress, are also major contributors to ED at any age.

  • Which drugs cause erectile dysfunction?Using recreational drugs like cocaine, opiates, amphetamines, and possibly marijuana can prevent you from getting or maintaining an erection.22

    While some substances may disrupt the physiological processes that lead to erections, others may hinder your ability to become aroused or mask psychological, emotional, or physical factors that may be causing your ED.

    A wide variety of prescription drugs also can influence erections.

    • Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    People Have Been Having Less Sex

    — Whether They’re Teenagers or 40-Somethings

    Among the young, social media, gaming and “rough sex” may contribute to this trend

    By Emily Willingham

    Human sexual activity affects cognitive function, health, happiness and overall quality of life—and, yes, there is also the matter of reproduction. The huge range of benefits is one reason researchers have become alarmed at declines in sexual activity around the world, from Japan to Europe to Australia. A recent study evaluating what is happening in the U.S. has added to the pile of evidence, showing declines from 2009 to 2018 in all forms of partnered sexual activity, including penile-vaginal intercourse, anal sex and partnered masturbation. The findings show that adolescents report less solo masturbation as well.

    The decreases “aren’t trivial,” as the authors wrote in the study, published on November 19 in Archives of Sexual Behavior. Between 2009 and 2018, the proportion of adolescents reporting no sexual activity, either alone or with partners, rose from 28.8 percent to 44.2 percent among young men and from 49.5 percent in 2009 to 74 percent among young women. The researchers obtained the self-reported information from the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior and used responses from 4,155 people in 2009 and 4,547 people in 2018. These respondents to the confidential survey ranged in age from 14 to 49 years.

    The study itself did not probe the reasons for this trend. But Scientific American spoke with its first author Debby Herbenick, a professor at the Indiana University School of Public Health–Bloomington, and Tsung-chieh (Jane) Fu, a co-author of the paper and a research associate at the school, about underlying factors that might explain these changes.

    [An edited transcript of the interview follows.]

    Given that research in other parts of the world has already indicated decreases in partnered sex, what do your recent findings add to the picture?

    HERBENICK: Our study tracks the declines, too, and extends the research because Jane [Fu] and our larger team tracked sex behaviors in really detailed ways. We looked at penile-vaginal sex, partnered masturbation, and giving and receiving oral sex. And we saw declines across all categories. And we included adolescents, too. The decline in adolescent masturbation is interesting, and we were the first to include it. That one deserves a lot more attention.

    What might explain declines among young people?

    FU: We need more studies to tell us why. But for young people, computer games, increasing social media use, video games—something is replacing that time. During that period from 2009 to 2018, different types of social media emerged. This is always evolving, especially for younger people.

    HERBENICK: We don’t expect there to be one explanation or one driver in these decreases. We fully expect that there are multiple things going on for different age groups, different partnership status, different genders. You don’t need those individual pieces to explain a big part of a notable decrease, but … each one [might]  explain a percentage point or two.

    Is there any contribution from increases in people expressing an asexual identity?

    HERBENICK: We don’t know why more people are identifying as asexual, but I do think more people are aware of it as a valid identity. Even compared with when I started teaching human sexuality in 2003, I routinely had one student in my class who might identify as asexual. Now I have three or four. That’s striking to me. I love that young people are aware of so many different ways to put into words how they feel about themselves. For many of them, they feel that it’s okay to opt out of sex.

    In your paper, you bring up increases in “rough sex” as potentially contributing to declines. Can you explain what you mean by rough sex, and how it could be playing a role in these changes?

    HERBENICK: Especially for those 18 to 29 years old, there have been increases in what many people call rough sex behaviors. Limited research suggests that an earlier idea of this was what I would consider fairly vanilla rough sex: pulling hair, a little light spanking. What we see now in studies of thousands of randomly sampled college students is choking or strangling during sex. The behavior seems to be a majority behavior for college-age students. For many people, it’s consensual and wanted and asked for, but it’s also scary to many people, even if they learn to enjoy it or want it. It’s a major line of research for our team: to understand how they feel, what the health risks are and how that fits into the larger sexual landscapes.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    Partnered sex of all kinds declines in United States, IU study finds

    Basic RGB

    Sexual frequency is declining in the United States, according to a study by Indiana University researchers.

    “Our study adds to a growing body of research that has reported on declines in sex,” said Tsung-chieh “Jane” Fu, a research associate at the IU School of Public Health-Bloomington who co-led the study. “The declines in partnered sexual activity seen in our study are consistent with findings from studies in the U.K., Australia, Germany and Japan.”

    Debby Herbenick, a professor of sexual and reproductive health at the School of Public Health who also co-led the study, said the decreases are likely caused by several factors.

    “The decreases are not easily explained by a single shift, such as health status, technology, access to pornography or stress,” Herbenick said. “There are likely multiple reasons for these changes in sexual expression, and we need more research to understand how these changes may be related to changes in relationships, happiness and overall well-being.”

    The study of sexual frequency is particularly important in light of the COVID-19 pandemic’s impacts on relationships, Herbenick said. Declining sexual activity among adults has consequences for human fertility and health — consequences that have been exacerbated by pandemic-era restrictions.

    Published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, the study is the first to include such a comprehensive assessment of diverse sexual behaviors. The information came from U.S. participants ages 14 to 49 during the 2009 and 2018 waves of the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, a confidential nationally representative survey conducted online. A total of 1,647 adolescents ages 14 to 17 and 7,055 adults ages 18 to 49 were included.

    “The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior includes detailed data on a variety of sexual behaviors, so we could examine more precisely whether declines in vaginal intercourse might be explained by increases in other sexual behaviors, such as oral sex,” Herbenick said. “However, we found that was not the case. Rather, we found that from 2009 to 2018, fewer adults engaged in a range of partnered sexual activities. We were also surprised to find that, among adolescents, both partnered sex and solo masturbation had declined.”

    Compared to adult participants in the 2009 survey, adults in the 2018 group were significantly more likely to report no penile-vaginal intercourse in the prior year, the researchers found. Study participants were also significantly less likely to report engaging in any other sexual behaviors examined in the study, such as oral sex or anal sex. All modes of past-year partnered sex were reported by fewer people in the 2018 cohort.

    “More studies are needed to understand if this decline is associated with the emergence of other types of sexual activities in recent years, such as the adverse impact of what some people call aggressive or rough sex,” Fu said.

    The study’s findings regarding sexual frequency declines among adolescents are particularly notable, according to Herbenick. The proportion of adolescents reporting neither solo masturbation nor partnered sexual behavior increased from 28% of young men and 49% of young women in 2009 to 43% of young men and 74% of young women in 2018.

    “Many studies haven’t included those under age 16 or 18, so our study expands what we know about younger adolescent behavior and how we think about adolescent sexual development,” Herbenick said.

    The researchers noted that a number of cultural and social changes may be affecting young people’s sexual behavior, including widespread internet access, decreased alcohol use, increased conversations around sexual consent, and more contemporary young people identifying with non-heterosexual identities, including asexual identities.

    While the current findings will help inform the work of sexual health researchers, clinicians and educators, Herbenick said she hopes the study also will open up new investigations into areas such as people’s feelings about their sexual lives and how those feelings may shape subsequent choices about sex.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    I Have Schizophrenia.

    This is How It Affects My Sex Life

    “I try to judge if sex will be grounding based on if it feels good and right when we’re cuddling or starting to kiss.”

    by Mark Hay

    Schizophrenia, a neuro-mental condition that affects less than one percent of all people, is well-known, yet poorly understood. Contrary to typical pop culture portrayals, it does not create a split personality, or make people violent and dangerous. When it starts to manifest, typically in adolescence or early adulthood, the condition’s effects can be so subtle that both medical experts and the people experiencing them often miss them, or misread them as signs of anxiety or depression.

    As it develops, schizophrenia usually causes constant or intermittent hallucinations, disorganized speech and thought, and distorted perceptions of the world, including other people’s actions and motives. People with schizophrenia may struggle to differentiate delusions from reality. Many also find it hard to feel pleasure, express or manage their emotions, or connect with others. 

    The exact nature and intensity of schizophrenia symptoms and the frequency at which people experience them vary considerably from case to case. So does the extent to which the right combination of medication, therapy, and everyday support for a person’s specific needs can mitigate them. But across cases, schizophrenia usually has a major impact on people’s everyday lives—including their sex lives.

    People with schizophrenia are as interested in sex and relationships as anyone. But they often have trouble finding intimacy, sometimes because their symptoms make it hard to manage dating or hookups, and sometimes because of the social stigmas surrounding the condition. Those who do find partners often report that their symptoms can make it hard to think about sex or feel sexy, to concentrate during sex, or to communicate their sexual needs and wants. Some of the medications used to manage symptoms can also lead to issues with libido, sexual sensation, and orgasm.

    Conversely, some people with schizophrenia experience episodes of hypersexuality, which may lead them to take risks they otherwise wouldn’t. This, alongside the general vulnerabilities associated with symptomatic schizophrenia, may help to explain why people with the condition seem to experience more STIs and unwanted pregnancies, among other issues.

    Unfortunately, it can be difficult for folks living with schizophrenia to find support in figuring out how to navigate sex and intimacy. Researchers didn’t pay much attention to the topic until fairly recently, and many clinicians don’t think to bring it up with patients. A few academics and care providers are trying to change this with calls to action in professional groups and academic journals. And in recent years, advocates have sparked public dialogue by speaking openly about sex and schizophrenia on podcasts, social media, and other public forums.

    Still, it’s hard to find stories of schizophrenia’s effects on people’s intimate lives. VICE recently spoke to Lauren Kennedy, who runs the popular Living Well with Schizophrenia YouTube channel, and her longtime partner, Rob Lim, about the role schizophrenia plays in their sex lives and how they manage its effects.

    This interview has been edited for length and clarity. 

    Lauren: My schizophrenia started when I was in high school, with mood disturbances. I thought I had depression. That morphed into highs and lows, and mania. (I have schizoaffective disorder, which is like a combination of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.)

    When I was 24, I started to smell terrible things and hear things—like my name, or just chatter—that weren’t coming from anywhere. I had delusional thoughts, like believing my medical care team was trying to harm me.

    I was in a long-term relationship when my psychosis symptoms developed. They completely changed the dynamic of that relationship. I was consumed with my symptoms and didn’t have the headspace to pursue intimacy anymore. The relationship ended just before I got diagnosed at 25.

    After my diagnosis, my mind didn’t turn to sex very quickly, but I worried right away about intimacy more generally. I worried people wouldn’t accept me because of the stigmas around schizophrenia, and that I wouldn’t be able to be a good partner. On the medications I was on then, I felt like I wasn’t able to fully function, or to be as present and active a partner as I wanted.

    Rob and I got together when I was 26. I’d been dating beforehand, but I hadn’t ever told anyone about my schizoaffective disorder, because that didn’t feel safe. I think I decided to tell Rob about my condition on our third date, because I did feel safe. He took it really well.

    Rob: I have a degree in psychology, so I’d studied schizophrenia a little. But that was 15 years before we met, so I didn’t know a ton. I hadn’t noticed anything that I’d connected to schizophrenia before Lauren told me she had it.

    Lauren: I still don’t think you really knew what schizophrenia was, or how it could affect me—or us—in practice until much later in our relationship.

    Rob: No, I probably didn’t fully realize what it meant for you or us until you ended up in the hospital much later on.

    Lauren: Do you think I misrepresented it to you when I first told you about it?

    Rob: Umm… Not in the worst way?

    Lauren: [Laughs]

    Rob: There’s a lot to unpack, though, beyond just saying, “I have schizophrenia.” Like, What has your experience with it been like? Disclosing something like that is the start of a conversation.

    Lauren: When did you first notice my schizophrenia in our intimate life? [Laughs] I’ve never asked, so I’m curious to know about this!

    Rob: There were times when you seemed more tired—like it wasn’t a great time for sex. But the beginning of our relationship felt pretty typical to me, in terms of being in a honeymoon period where we had sex with each other a lot. I didn’t feel like schizophrenia affected that at all.

    Lauren: But at that point, we weren’t living together. Our dates were on days when things were going well for me. If I was experiencing a lot of symptoms, I’d stay home in bed. It’s hard to initiate any intimacy when I’m having hallucinations or feeling restless or emotionally flat. And sometimes I’m just too manic to have sex.

    Rob: Yeah, I definitely saw more of that as we got closer.

    Lauren: I also feel like I was super flat when we started dating. Did you pick up on that?

    Rob: When we’ve talked about what we want in sex, you’ve said you’re looking for feelings of ecstasy and connection. And I appreciate that, but sex is a more physical thing for me.

    Lauren: So, maybe because sex is more about creating emotional connection for me than it is for you, I notice when I’m having trouble with my affect and connection more than you do?

    Rob: Yeah, I think so. To be honest, I don’t really pick up on when Lauren’s having trouble processing or expressing emotion.

    Lauren: I don’t think we’ve ever had a discussion like, “Hey, I’m symptomatic now, I don’t want to have sex.” Rob’s always just been good at picking up on when sex might not be on the table for me on any given day or night.

    I’m not always symptomatic, so we still have plenty of chances to be intimate with each other. And sometimes when I am symptomatic, sex actually helps ground me. It’s a pretty intense act that occupies my headspace enough that I’m not having hallucinations or anything else when it’s happening. It also reaffirms my connection to the closest person to me in the world. I try to judge if sex will be grounding based on if it feels good and right when we’re cuddling or starting to kiss. If so, then, Yeah, let’s keep going.

    Rob: As I learned more about schizophrenia, I did have some doubts about whether we’d be able to have a successful relationship in the long term.

    Lauren: In 2019, I went off my medication and tried to hide the fact that I was becoming more symptomatic. I was hospitalized that October. I think Rob felt like I betrayed his trust by hiding that, and that definitely affected our intimacy.

    Rob: After that, we started going to couples therapy regularly. We both have our own therapists, as well. We’ve realized that we can navigate a lot together, but there will always be friction—and especially after something like that, we need support in working through things.

    Lauren: We made the conscious decision to work on communication, and on getting stability back in our lives. It’s actually dawning on me that maybe the fact that we never discussed and tried to work on schizophrenia specifically in our early relationship was an issue in and of itself. We may not have given as much thought to my condition in our intimate life as we should have.

    Rob: We didn’t realize the importance of communication at the beginning of our sex life. It’s something we’re working on. Recently, we’ve had some conversations with our therapists about how we think about consent in relation to schizophrenia. Because we don’t have sex when Lauren’s really symptomatic, but…

    Lauren: There are grey areas.

    Rob: This actually came up a while back: We were having sex, and I stopped and said, “I don’t know if we should be having sex right now.” Lauren was like, “Oh, no, I totally can,” and I took her at her word. But after, she was like, “I probably couldn’t have given consent then.”

    Lauren: Yeah, I wasn’t sure I was totally present, or that I knew what was going on. I mean, I did know, but… It’s really hard to explain what this is like…

    Rob: So… what does that mean for our sex life? I don’t feel good about that, you know?

    Lauren: But I feel like that’s my fault! [Laughs] If I want to have sex in a given moment, I’m probably not going to tell Rob all the details of where my head is. But that lessens his ability to make an informed decision.

    Rob: We haven’t reached a conclusion about this yet. We need to talk about it more. [Laughs]

    Lauren: It’s tricky, because those grey areas are just slightly more extreme versions of what I go through all the time. But I think that usually I can consent to sex even when I’m more symptomatic—especially because I always know that Rob is someone I love and trust and want to be intimate with, even when I’m constructing alternate narratives about the rest of reality.

    There’ve also been periods in our relationship where we haven’t has as much sex. Like, if I’m on different medications for any reason, my sex drive might just plummet. We also have three kids now, and one of them is seven months old. So that’s changed our sex life, too. [Laughs]

    Rob: I’m impressed we’ve been able to maintain our sex life as well as we have, given that we have kids. But there’s still room for us to develop how we navigate sex, for sure.

    Lauren: We’re always working on our communication. That’s an ongoing process.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    How the vagina changes over time and what to do if sex becomes less enjoyable

    The vagina can stretch to twice its normal size during childbirth.

    By Carla Delgado

    • The average vagina is about 9.6 centimeters (3.8 inches) deep but can stretch to twice that amount.
    • Childbirth and menopause can change the depth of a vagina, which may change how sex feels.
    • If your vagina feels loose, try Kegel exercises or other exercises to strengthen your pelvic floor.

    The average vagina measures seven to ten centimeters (about two to four inches). However, the vaginal canal is impressively flexible and how deep a vagina is at any given time often depends on the person as well as circumstances like sexual arousal, pregnancy, childbirth, and menopause.

    How deep is a vagina?

    According to a small 2005 study, the average depth of a vagina is 9.6 centimeters (or 3.78 inches). However, it has the ability to stretch when sexually aroused to accommodate a penis.

    The vagina can also stretch six inches or wider during childbirth to accommodate the baby’s head and shoulders, says Maureen Whelihan, MD, FACOG, a gynecologist at the Elite GYN Care of the Palm Beaches and section chair of American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) District XII.

    Does vaginal depth affect sexual pleasure?

    Some people may think that having a deeper vagina is more pleasurable because there will be more nerve endings to heighten the sensation.

    However, “the current evidence suggests that vaginal length is not associated with sexual satisfaction. Most women are aroused from the clitoris which is independent from vaginal length,” says Oz Harmanli, MD, chief of Yale Medicine Urogynecology & Reconstructive Pelvic Surgery and professor at the Yale School of Medicine.

    Additionally, a 2010 study involving more than 500 heterosexual women found that the length of the vagina did not seem to affect how sexually active they were.

    How does the vagina change over time?

    Age and lifestyle has a big impact on how the vagina changes over time. In particular, giving birth and going through menopause are perhaps the two primary events in a person’s life that will significantly change their vagina.

    Childbirth

    Childbirth can affect vaginal depth because the pelvic floor muscles, which support the pelvic organs such as the uterus, bladder, and bowels, get stretched out to support the weight of the baby.

    In fact, a 2009 study found that the pelvic floor muscles stretch more than three times their normal size during labor.

    The vagina can remain lax after childbirth for up to a year, depending on the size of the baby or the number of babies that were born, says Whelihan.

    “The main reason for [feeling loose] could be pelvic floor relaxation and tears as a result of pregnancies, and especially vaginal deliveries,” says Harmanli.

    Experts say Kegel exercises and pelvic floor exercises can help regain muscle strength in the pelvic floor, which increases sexual arousal and vaginal lubrication.

    Menopause

    During menopause, estrogen levels drop, which makes the vaginal canal shorter and narrower, says Harmanli.

    Postmenopausal individuals may feel like there is less room inside the vagina for intercourse if they don’t have penetrative sex for a long time, he adds. However, having regular vaginal sexual activity even after menopause helps maintain the vagina’s length and width and reduces dryness.

    What if a vagina feels loose during sex?

    When it comes to penetrative sex, there is a pervasive myth that having more sex will make the vagina feel “loose” and lead to less pleasurable sex. However, this is not true and is most likely used to shame people for their sexual activity.

    A vagina that is perceived as loose might point to a lack of arousal or be reflective of their partner’s small penis or inability to maintain a firm erection, says Whelihan.

    Therefore, if the quality of your sexual experience has diminished, it’s important to communicate with your partner(s) about each other’s wants, needs, and openness to try new things.

    Insider’s takeaway

    The vaginal canal is usually about seven to ten centimeters deep. But it can stretch and become deeper during sex or childbirth.

    The vagina may also get shorter during menopause, but having regular sexual activity helps maintain its length.

    Finally, there’s no evidence that having a lot of sex will make the vagina loose. But a vagina may feel loose after childbirth in which case pelvic floor exercises may help restore vaginal lubrication and improve sexual satisfaction.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    A Guy Who Learned About Sex From Watching Porn With His Friends

    John in New Jersey talks about hooking up in college, getting a happy-ending massage, and the difference between finding someone hot and being turned on by them.

    By Sophia Benoit

    One of the first times I watched porn, I was over at a buddy’s house, this was probably in fifth grade. His older brother was two years older than us, and he showed a big group of us porn. I remember thinking, “Oh, this is kind of funny.” That was my first reaction to porn. I started watching it myself a few years later, but that was definitely an interesting experience for sure, standing around a computer with a number of other guys. I thought it was funny, but I was definitely, definitely intrigued as well. Soon after that I was at my middle school orientation; it was the first day of middle school and the kids from all the feeder elementary schools were in an assembly and I remember seeing this girl and for the first time I wanted to do something more than just hold her hand or kiss her.

    I lost my virginity in college. I was 21 and it was a drunken one night stand. I was living with two other guys and it was one of the first weeks of school. We were living in a co-ed dorm and lived right next to these girls, and I remember one of my friends earlier in the night was talking about how he really wanted to sleep with the girl who lived next door to me. I thought she was cute, but I didn’t think anything of it. I headed back to my room to get something and their door was open and they were drinking and then we started talking and the next thing you know I’m losing my virginity. My friends were very proud of me. They all knew my situation.

    Before I lost my virginity, I paid to get a happy ending massage. It was freshman year of college, spring break, and I was waiting for my fantasy baseball draft and I was really bored and horny and so I looked up “happy ending massages” or something like that and the websites made it very clear you weren’t going to have sex with the women. So I found a place at the mall about 10 minutes from my parents house and I went to this hotel next to the mall and I went up to the second floor and a woman who was in her 30s or 40s was there; again, I was 18 at this point. She told me to leave my “donation” on the table so I paid my $100 or $120, which would pay for an hour of her time. She and I both got naked and I got on the bed face down and then she just kind of started rubbing her body over me. After a couple minutes she had me turn over and she started rubbing herself on me again and I shot a load in like two seconds. Again, keep in mind I’m a virgin. She looked at me very seriously and said, “Oh, baby, you busted already?” and I said, “Is that a problem?” and she was like, “You’re only allowed to bust one time.” Keep in mind I’d paid for an hour of time and this was about seven minutes in. By the time I was getting up to leave, she was already on the phone with her next client.

    Years later I did a nuru massage in Montreal for a friend’s bachelor party. Three other guys and I went. Basically a naked woman rubs herself all over you for an hour and then it ends with a happy ending. It’s more…professional… though. Like it’s very out in the open. You come in and they let you pick which girl you want to massage you; I chose the girl I did because she looked like Jamie Lynn Sigler. I was in a long-term relationship at that point and so were two of the other guys, but we rationalized it because it wasn’t harmful. None of our girlfriends ever found out. It’s not like we were gonna sleep with these women; it was just a massage.

    I recently got out of a three year relationship, the longest relationship I’ve had, and I would consider her to be the best sex of my life. We weren’t crazy or anything. We weren’t like having sex in an elevator or a coat closet or anything, we weren’t really experimenting. I mean I think it was just the bedroom or maybe the shower. There were a couple times when we would travel and be in a hotel or something and we’d be extra frisky because it was a new place. But it was mostly that we cared about each other. I’ve had un-meaningful sex before and I’ve had a decent amount of meaningful sex and I think for me, it’s just always better when there’s a deeper connection. And we had sex frequently; we didn’t live together but pretty much every time we saw each other we had sex.

    I’m pretty vanilla when it comes to sex. Trying kinky stuff isn’t really something of interest to me. I consider myself a really sexually-charged person. And if you were to ask my friends, they would probably put me near the top of the list in terms of desire or sexual appetite in general, but I’m not really interested in experimenting. I’ve never really been into sexting or phone sex either. Recently I went on a couple dates with a woman with tattoos and nipple piercings and that was really cool for me to date someone who was not my normal “type.” But she just started unprompted sending me nudes and I was like, “Where did this come from?” It was nice I guess, but getting nudes has never been something that I’ve actively sought out before. Just because I think from a guy’s perspective, it kind of makes you come off as like, creepy or desperate, and it really doesn’t turn me on much. We had a little back and forth about it, but it wasn’t like it was something I was jerking off to. Down the road, if I were to have a partner who wanted to try something more kinky, I might. Never say never. It’s gotta be the right person though. I guess I’ve always wanted to try a threesome with two women, but I don’t know that that’s in the cards for me based on the type of women I date.

    My body has kind of got to be into a person, even if I find them hot. About five years ago, before my long-term relationship, there was a woman I was working with who I was really into. We worked in a place where everyone was in their 20s and we all hung out after work and went out drinking and one night I let her know I was interested and we ended up making out and then we had this kind of summer fling. She was just really a mean person, like my friends all hated her. And we were hooking up and spending the night and she was really attractive, but for whatever reason, whenever we tried to have sex, I couldn’t get hard. I think it was my body’s way of saying, “Don’t stick your dick in her!” I also had that happen once in college with a girl I was hooking up with my senior year. We hooked up for a bit and I was super into her—she was exactly my type at that time. And then she broke it off and she started sleeping around for a while and then when we tried to get back together, I couldn’t get hard. It was like, “Something’s not right here.” Even now, it’s not like I’m trying to wait until I’m married or anything, or that I even have to be in a relationship with someone. It’s just that ideally I’d have an emotional connection with somebody beforehand. It just makes it better, you know?

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    I Have a Higher Libido Than My Partner

    —How Can I Be Both Supportive and Satisfied?

    By Rebecca Alvarez Story

    Question

    In recent years, my partner and I have grown to have mismatched sex drives. Now, I have a higher libido than my partner, and while I want to be supportive and certainly don’t want them to feel pressured to have sex, I do wonder if there’s anything I can do to help rejuvenate their interest. Regardless of their libido, though, how can I make sure that I’m still satisfied within my confines of my relationship?

    Answer

    Mainstream society has grown to idealize fiery relationships denoted by passionate partners who can’t keep their hands off each other. The truth is, though, that libido fluctuates every day, and the chances that one’s libido will always match the level of their partner is quite slim. In fact, one of the most common issues couples face in relationships is mismatched libidos. Often, partners adapt to this reality and find a balance that works for them. Other times, though, mismatched libidos can snowball into bigger issues full of frustration, guilt, and resentment.

    In particular, people with a higher libido than their partner tend to feel as if their needs are not being met, shame that they want sex more often or rejection when sex is off the table. By contrast, people with lower libido than their partner tend to feel frustrated, pressured, and anxious about their desire not being on par with their partner. Thankfully, though, a mismatched libido is a solvable issue so long as everyone involved is willing to be honest, empathetic, and to prioritize the relationship.

    Being on either side of the sex drive seesaw can be frustrating, but let’s consider ways the partner with the higher sex drive can be both supportive and satisfied.

    1. Access their stressors

    Before you can begin addressing intimacy concerns, take inventory of what is going on in your partner’s life. The partner with the lower sex drive may be contending with a combination of libido-compromising stressors. Some of these lifestyle or health factors may include high stress, medications, chronic health issues, work demands, mental illness, family responsibilities, financial strain, or lack of sleep.

    Now, what can you do about it? Well, if you know, for instance, that your partner is stressed, consider how you might be able to help them to feel better. Communicate that your intention is always to help them feel good in order to show that you’re not just trying to address your own sexual desires. Simple acts of support—like offering to cook breakfast for the week, taking a walk together at lunch or allowing them to sleep in on the weekend—can help revitalize their overall mood.

    If your partner is going through a change that is more permanent than a period of stress, consider building support into your daily routine. Depending on the severity of the issue, you’ll want to pace yourself and be consistent in your support in a way that feels manageable to you.

    2. Rate your sex drives

    One easy way to begin healthy sexual communication on this topic is for each person in the relationship to rate their sex drive from one to 10 and explain their ranking. For the partner with the higher drive, make sure you actively listen to why your partner describes the number they share. Regardless of whether your numbers are very different or not too far from each other, use this exercise as an opportunity to empathize with your partner and try to understand their perspective.

    3. Expand your definition of sex

    Consider this an invitation to unlearn bad sex ed, including unhealthy myths that sex (only) means penetration and that orgasm is always the end goal. Now is a good time to expand your definition and expectations of what diverse pleasure can mean. To do so, have partner write down 10 intimate activities that they enjoy doing with their partner and 10 intimate things they’d like to try. Share the lists with one another and allow it to be the starting ground for an expanded list of acts all parties can enjoy together.

    4. Try breathwork together

    A few moments before bed, or when you both have downtime together, face one another and take deep breaths together. Unwinding together can help you both feel at ease next to each other. Gently reminding your partner with a lower libido to connect in breath with you allows you both to feel more synced.

    5. Don’t forget you-time

    While you are working on intimacy in your relationship, do not forget to build intimacy with yourself. Ideas that a partner should “fulfill you” or that they must be your sole source of pleasure aren’t healthy and put too much pressure on one person. You should be a primary part of your pleasure equation and spend time exploring and enjoying your body alone, regardless of your relationship status. Some ideas to bring more pleasure to your life can include full-body massages in the shower, a lunchtime masturbation session or a date night alone in your room with aromatherapy, music, and your favorite toys.

    6. Throwback dates

    Sometimes, the easiest solution for couples struggling with mismatched libidos is to go back to the basics. Many couples get stuck in a routine and don’t plan out date nights together the way they may have early on in the relationship. There’s no need to reinvent the wheel here, either. Instead, book consistent date nights and hit up old spots you used to enjoy together. Having dedicated time to look forward to helps build desire before the dates; meanwhile, spending quality time together on the dates helps you reconnect more intimately.

    7. Work with a professional

    It can be scary navigating intimacy concerns with your partner. Whether you are new to the relationship or are in a committed, long-term partnership, working with a professional can be a source of comfort. Sex therapists, sexologists, and intimacy experts are trained to help you talk about difficult topics and guide you on how to reach your goals together. There may also be instances where the best option for the relationship may not be one you have been open to before. Consider working with an expert if you want support navigating mismatched libidos.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    6 Tips for Having Great, Fulfilling Sex When You’re Just So Tired

    By Natalie Arroyo Camacho

    A healthy sex life is linked to a number of great benefits: a longer lifespan, improved heart health, and decreased stress, to name a few. That said, at one point or another, it’s likely you’ve simply been too tired to have it. But, having sex when you’re tired still stands to boost your well-being because it makes you feel more connected to your sexual partner and opens you up to all the benefits of experiencing orgasm. (Of course, this doesn’t apply to asexual people, whose relationships are still valid and intimate despite a lack of sexual activity.) And, with the help of some tips, it’s possible to still have great and satisfying sex, even if you’re pretty zonked.

    And for the health of your relationship, it may be worth your effort, too. According to experts, using sleepiness as a reason to avoid sex may lead you to not regularly reap the intimacy-boosting benefits of sex. “When you’re maintaining that [sexual] connection, even if you’re going through hard times together, you’re likely to be a little kinder and nicer, and maybe even a little more patient with your partner in the rest of your relationship,” says sexologist and co-founder of GoLove CBD lubricant Sadie Allison, PhD.

    That said, if you or your partner is chronically tired and not in the mood, it’s important to first connect about potential underlying issues causing the sex-life-busting exhaustion. “I always encourage couples to first talk about the fatigue,” says sex therapist Shannon Chavez, PsyD. “If there’s not even [sexual] desire, or one partner hasn’t been in the mood, having an open dialogue around that is the first step [to having sex when tired], because you want to figure out what’s getting in the way of sex.” Following this discussion, it’s important to follow up with action. Whether that’s a change in routine, one partner helping the other to minimize sources of stress that may be stoking libido-busting fatigue, or seeking therapy, it’s important to move forward together.

    But sometimes, there’s no serious or problematic underlying issue, and you’re just plain old sleepy. Read on for six expert-backed suggestions for having great consensual sex when you’re tired (and why doing so may be worth it).

    6 expert-backed tips for having sex when you’re tired (and making it great)

    1. Remember that sex goes beyond penetrative intercourse

    Dr. Allison says that understanding intercourse as broader than just a penetrative act can ultimately make it easier to to make sure everyone is satisfied, and—considering the factor of tiredness—efficiently so.

    For instance, non-penetrative sex acts can be effective for achieving orgasm (the fastest way for vulva-owners to orgasm, after all, is via the clitoris), and having an orgasm releases happiness-boosting chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin in our brains. So, it’s totally possible to reap the well-being benefits of sex without having penetrative intercourse.

    2. Try “lazy” positions

    In this sense, “lazy” is not meant to convey a negative feeling. It’s more so a way to depict the amount of energy that goes into sex when you’re tired. “Lazy sex is good sex, because all sex leads to feeling more desire for connection,” Dr. Chavez says.

    “Lazy sex is good sex, because all sex leads to feeling more desire for connection.” —sex therapist Shannon Chavez, PsyD

    Basically, it’s an expert-sanctioned excuse to take it easy on the advanced sex positions when you’re super sleepy.  “You want to choose a position that is the least amount of work necessary,” says Dr. Allison. For example, spooning can be a good go-to position for having sex when you’re tired because it doesn’t require much energy or agility—plus, it brings you physically close to your partner.

    3. Try to have sex during the afternoon

    If you and your partner work remotely, afternoon sex can be a real winner. At this time, we have naturally higher levels of alertness thanks to the hormone cortisol and lower levels of sleep hormone melatonin than at night. So, fitting daytime sex into your schedule may circumvent the feeling of “having to” have sex at the end of a long and draining day.

    4. Give yourselves grace

    Certain individuals may experience super-busy seasons at work, for example, and this may sometimes impact their bandwidth for sex. For example, if your partner has a presentation coming up they’ve been preparing for months, or you just launched your business, your sex life may lag a bit in light of those energy-absorbing realities. In cases like these, give yourselves a break and stay in communication about how you plan to prioritize your relationship—sexually or otherwise. After all, it’s important to not make sex feel like a chore or another item on an already super-long to-do list.

    “During busy seasons, be realistic with the schedule and know that this particular month might be difficult or different. Give yourself some grace,” says Dr. Allison.

    5. Prioritize intimacy

    Whether it’s a busy season or not, make sex and intimacy a priority; something you want and need to do as opposed to something you have to do. Part of this means not leaving it as the last thing you do in a day, after all your chores and to-dos are finished. Otherwise, sex unfortunately often slips through the cracks because, well, you’re just too tired after doing everything else.

    The key here? Both partners should agree that no matter what, even if each is exhausted, they’ll make time for intimate connection. Even if it’s a couple of minutes of eye gazing and not an orgasm-inducing activity, says Dr. Chavez.

    6. Try having slower sex

    “Slow sex can be some of the best sex,” says Dr. Chavez. And because you’re moving slower, you’re exerting less energy, which can ease anxiety about having sex when you’re just so damn tired.

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