Category: Sex Education

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Lit Hub’s Guide to Sex in the 21st Century

— The History of, the Study of, the Writing of, and Just Doing It

By Literary Hub

We’ve published a lot of about sex over the years, and for the fake occasion that is Valentine’s Day (thanks a lot, Chaucer), we’re opening the vault. From the dildos of whalers’ wives to the Magic Mike Live XXX revue, with pit stops at foot fetishes and BDSM and a productive detour into the craft of writing, this is your guide to sex in the 21st century.

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SEX, the HISTORY OF

How people wrote about sex in the Middle Ages  ♥  There once was a dildo in Nantucket  ♥  How John Donne learned to write love poetry  ♥  Centuries before Fifty Shades, a runaway hit about kinky sex  ♥  A steamy letter from Henry Miller to Anais Nin  ♥  Hosting an orgy? This 1970s cookbook has you covered  ♥  Writing desire in the Regency years  ♥  Group sex therapy at the local synagogue (or, reading the sexy bits of the Bible)  ♥  Why are we so afraid of female desire?  ♥  Everything I know about sex I learned from Edna St. Vincent Millay  ♥  One man’s literary crusade to uncensor sex in America.

SEX, the STUDY OF

Here’s the quick and dirty on foot fetishes.

What pornographic literature shows us about human nature.

Learning about BDSM—by doing it myself.

How capitalism created sexual dysfunction.

How does focusing on the self affect a woman’s sex life?

Conceptualizing the vagina, a “dark and vicious place.”

SEX, the WRITING OF

Some fundamental principles for writing great sex  ♥  Melissa Febos on what a sex scene should do  ♥  The best sex I ever had was (also) a narrative structure  ♥  The ways in which writing may or may not resemble sex  ♥  Writing sex for money is hard f*cking work  ♥  In praise of sex writing that’s about more than being sexy  ♥  Why sex scenes are not only feminist, but necessary  ♥  The literature of bad sex.

SEX, I’VE HAD IT

The under-celebrated erotic power of… hamantaschen.

The disorientation and relief of owning my submissiveness.

Moved to tears at the Magic Mike Live XXX revue.

Learning about sex from Samantha Jones.

On phone sex, first writing jobs, and unexpected teachers.

My job writing custom erotic love letters.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is the Refractory Period?

— The Temporary Loss of Sexual Desire and Function After Orgasm

By James Myhre & Dennis Sifris, MD

In human sexuality, the refractory period is the length of time after an orgasm during which a person is not sexually responsive. The refractory period can vary from one person to the next but is strongly influenced by a person’s age, biological sex, and libido (sex drive).

The refractory period is more often used to describe the phase following an orgasm in which a male is physiologically unable to achieve an erection (“get hard”) and have another orgasm or ejaculation. Depending on the individual, the refractory period can last for minutes to days.1

Because females can often have multiple orgasms, it is generally thought that they either do not have a refractory period or that the refractory period lasts for only a brief moment.2

This is not to suggest that a person’s physiological makeup is the sole determining factor for how long or short the refractory period is. A person’s psychological makeup also contributes to whether they desire sex or feel sexually satiated after orgasm.

This article takes a closer look at the refractory period in males and females and how physiology and psychology factor in. It also explores if there are ways to shorten the refractory period and achieve multiple orgasms.

Gender Definitions

In this article, “male” is used to describe people with penises while “female” is used to describe people with vaginas despite the gender or genders they identify with. The sex and gender terms used in cited material will be retained.

Refractory Period and the Sexual Response

The refractory period is one component of the four phases of the sexual response, classically described as:3

  • Excitement: This is when you get sexually aroused by physical or mental stimuli such as touch, kissing, fantasizing, or viewing erotic images.
  • Plateau: This is the period of increasing sexual excitement during which the penis, vagina, and clitoris will engorge with blood and become highly sensitive.
  • Orgasm: This is the spontaneous release of sexual energy accompanied by rapid contractions of the lower pelvic muscles, including ejaculation (the forceful discharge of semen in males).
  • Resolution: This is when the body gradually returns to its normal level of functioning, and swelled or erect body parts return to their normal sizes.

 

Part of Resolution Phase

The refractory period is part of the resolution phase during which a person needs to recover before they can have another orgasm.

The term “refractory period” does not apply to just sex. The term is used in neuroscience to describe the span of time following the response of a nerve or muscle before it can respond again.4

In this respect, the nonresponsive time following orgasm can be described as the physiological refractory period.

While this may suggest that the refractory period is mainly physiological, it is important to remember that hormones influence your emotions during the sexual response. Even beyond hormones, how you feel and behave can dictate whether arousal and orgasms are possible.

As such, your ability to have another orgasm is dictated not only by whether you “can” physically but also if you “can” emotionally. This might be referred to as the psychological refractory period.

Refractory Period in Males

The refractory period in males is poorly understood but is thought to be influenced directly and indirectly by several different hormones, including oxytocin, prolactin, and dopamine.

Oxytocin

Oxytocin is a hormone that has many functions in the human body, including the stimulation of breast milk and the contraction of uterine muscles during labor. In males, oxytocin helps induce erections and ejaculation.5

With ejaculation, the sudden surge of oxytocin stimulates the release of the “feel-good” hormone serotonin. This is the hormone that promotes feelings of sexual satisfaction, relaxation, and even drowsiness after sex.2 Serotonin in the brain can inhibit erections following ejaculation, but its influence on the refractory period is still under debate.

Prolactin

>Prolactin, a hormone responsible for lactation (breast milk production), may also influence the male refractory period. During an orgasm, prolactin levels can surge in people of any sex. But in males, high prolactin levels can interfere with the ability to achieve an erection until the levels eventually subside.6

Studies vary, with some suggesting that prolactin plays a central role in the refractory period and others concluding that it has no effect.7

Dopamine

Dopamine is another feel-good hormone that helps facilitate ejaculation. But, after ejaculation, the hormone can also temporarily block sensory nerves of the penis, making it less responsive to stimulation. This is especially true after an intense orgasm.8

The duration of this effect can vary from one person to the next and often for no apparent reason. This may account for why some males recover faster following orgasm while others take longer.8

Average Refractory Period in Males

A small study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2019 suggests that the average refractory rate in males without sexual dysfunction is around 106 minutes.9 The period may be short in young males but gradually increases with age.10

Refractory Period in Females

Oxytocin and prolactin are commonly more elevated in females than in males, and their impact on the refractory period is different than what occurs in males.5 These hormones do not interfere with the sensitivity or function of the vagina and clitoris following an orgasm.

Females are more likely to experience multiple orgasms than males.11 This doesn’t necessarily mean that females have no refractory period.10

In some females, orgasms can lead to hypersensitivity of the clitoris and vulva, making it painful to have sex even if sexual desire remains.12 This response may be regarded as a refractory period during which arousal and orgasms are difficult until the hypertensive sensation subsides.

Multiple Orgasms in Males

Multiple orgasms, which are facilitated by a short refractory period, are uncommon in males. Studies suggest that less than 10% of males in their 20s can achieve multiple orgasms, decreasing to less than 7% after age 30.13

A 2020 study in Sexual Medicine Review suggested that certain factors appear to increase a male’s ability to have multiple orgasms, including:13

  • Practicing masturbation without ejaculation (“edging”)
  • Using sex toys to increase sexual stimulation

Doing so may improve the odds of sporadic multiple orgasms (in which orgasms occur over a period of time) or condensed multiple orgasms (in which you have two to four orgasms, one after the next).

How Age Affects the Refractory Period

Younger males tend to recover and reengage in sex sooner following ejaculation than older males. While younger males may need only a few minutes of recovery time, older males may have a refractory period of between 12 to 24 hours. For some, the refractory period can last for days.10

One explanation for this involves the seminal vesicles that produce and store semen. After ejaculation, the pressure within the seminal vesicles quickly dissipates. When this happens, nerve signals are sent to the brain to produce hormones like follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH) that stimulate semen production.14

Until ample hormones are produced and the tension in the seminal vesicles is restored, the refractory period in males can continue. The problem is that, as males age, the time it takes to restore tension in the seminal vesicles gets longer and longer.14

Other Factors That Influence the Refractory Period

The refractory period may be influenced by age and sex, but other physiological and psychological factors can contribute to it, including:

  • Your general health: Having good health or poor health influences your sexual stamina and fitness.15
  • Medical conditions: Diseases like diabetes and rheumatoid arthritis can affect the autonomic nervous system, which regulates involuntary functions like the sexual response.14
  • Sexual dysfunction: Problems like delayed ejaculation or premature ejaculation can undermine a person’s sexual confidence and indirectly influence the refractory period.16
  • The quality and frequency of sex: How much and how often you enjoy sex influences the “sexual pleasure cycle” and your ability to respond to sexual stimuli.3 This, in turn, can influence the refractory rate in males and females.17
  • Number of sexual partners: Studies suggest that males are more likely to have quicker recovery times and multiple orgasms if they have multiple or new sex partners.13
  • Mental health: Females, more than males, may experience a psychiatric disorder called postcoital dysphoria in which they feel fatigued, sad, depressed, or anxious after sex.18 Sexual performance anxiety, common in males, can also indirectly influence the refractory period.19

It can be presumed that the quality of your relationship—how you feel about and respond to your partner—may also have a psychological and physiological impact on your refractory rate. Further research is needed.

Can You Shorten the Refractory Period?

The refractory period is not a sexual dysfunction like erectile dysfunction or female hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD). It is simply the period of time when your desire and ability to have sex temporarily stop after an orgasm.

Even so, people often attribute sexual satisfaction to the intensity of their orgasms, the duration of sex, and, the frequency of orgasm and ejaculation.20

While there are no surefire ways to reduce the refractory time, particularly in males, certain lifestyle changes may increase your sexual fitness and remove the barriers that stand in the way of a “second round” of sex.

According to a 2018 study published in the Journal of Education and Health Promotion, this should include:15

  • Engaging in routine exercise, which can improve cardiovascular fitness, libido, and sexual performance in people of any sex
  • Engaging in sexual fantasy, which intensifies orgasms in males and libido in females

It is also important to manage chronic medical conditions, such as diabetes, that can affect sexual function and performance directly and indirectly.

Summary

The refractory period is the length of time after an orgasm when sexual desire and the ability to have sex temporarily cease. In males, the refractory period can last from minutes to days. In females, the refractory period may be brief or not occur at all.

The refractory period in males is heavily influenced by hormones. Women are not influenced in the same way but may still experience a decline in sexual interest or function after orgasm for other reasons, such as clitoral hyposensitivity or postcoital fatigue.

Certain risk factors may increase or decrease the refractory period, including your general health, mental health, medical conditions, sexual dysfunction, and the quality and frequency of sex. Routine exercise and engaging in sexual fantasy may indirectly influence the refractory rate by improving your sexual fitness, self-image, and sex drive.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Polysexual vs. Pansexual

— How Are They Different?

Polysexual and pansexual are sometimes used interchangeably, but these terms do not mean the same thing. Although similar, polysexual is different from pansexual. Here we explain how and why they differ.

By Sophia Metrakos, RN

    • Polysexual and pansexual are two similar types of sexual identification, but they are not the same thing.
    • Both terms describe individuals who are attracted to more than one gender.
    • Pansexual people are attracted to all people regardless of gender.
    • Those who identify as polysexual are attracted to multiple genders but not all.

    Polysexual vs pansexual explained

    The main difference between polysexual and pansexual is that people who identify as pansexual place no emphasis on another person’s gender, they are what is sometimes referred to as “gender blind”. For this reason, they are attracted to people of all genders.

    Polysexual individuals, on the other hand, are usually aware of others’ gender. They may be attracted to more than one or two genders, but they are still aware of genders, and there are some genders that they are exclusively not attracted to.

    Some people confuse polysexual with bisexual. These concepts may be similar, but they have their differences. Usually, bisexuality is defined as being attracted to your gender as well as being attracted to other genders.

    Polysexuality is sometimes used as an umbrella term to categorize other sexualities. For example, it is sometimes thought that bisexuality and pansexuality are subcategories of polysexuality.

    Is polysexual the same as pansexual?

    No, polysexual and pansexual are different things. However, pansexuality does fall under the category of being a type of polysexuality. There are different subcategories of polysexuality — pansexual is one of them. Some other examples of polysexuality include bisexual and omnisexual. Think of polysexual as an umbrella term under which other concepts can fall.

    Polysexual and polyamory differences

    Sometimes the concept of polysexuality is confused with polyamory; however, these are not the same thing. Polysexuality means being attracted to multiple genders. Being in a polyamorous relationship means being romantically involved with more than one person while all parties are aware.

    Just because a person identifies as being polysexual, does not inherently mean that they prefer a polyamorous relationship. Polysexual people may still prefer to be in a monogamous relationship or, they may not.

    Is polyromantic a thing?

    Polyromantic is another term that is commonly used alongside polysexual. Polyromantic is very similar to polysexual in that it involves being attracted to more than two genders. The difference is that polychromatic relates specifically to romantic attraction, which is usually more emotional and requires forming a deeper connection. In addition, polysexual people are sexually or romantically attracted to multiple genders, so a polysexual person could also identify as polychromatic.

    Polysexuality and relationships

    Being polysexual shouldn’t influence a relationship or dating life as long as the partner is comfortable with the other’s sexual identification. People often confuse polysexuality with polyamory, but just because someone is attracted to multiple genders doesn’t mean they’ll want to date more than one person at once.

    People with unique sexual identifications like polysexual might deal with others assuming that they are gay or straight, which can be uncomfortable. It is best not to make assumptions about another person’s sexuality just based on the gender of the person that they are dating. For example, a polysexual man may be dating a woman then that same man may date a man. You should never make assumptions about another person’s sexual identity, especially based on the gender of the person they are dating.

    Distinguishing between all identities

    It is easy to get confused with all of the different terms that exist today in relation to sexuality. Polysexuality, bisexuality, pansexuality, pomosexuality, and polyamory are all examples. Here are definitions to help distinguish the differences:

    Sexual identity Definition
    Polysexual Sexually or romantically attracted to more than one gender
    Pansexual Sexually or romantically attracted to people regardless of their sex or gender
    Bisexual Sexually or romantically attracted to both men and women
    Pomosexual Chooses not to fit into any sexual orientation label, including homosexual, bisexual, or heterosexual
    Polyamory Sexually or romantically involved in multiple romantic relationships while all parties are aware

    How to tell which term fits your identity

    There is no clear-cut way to figure out exactly what your sexual identity is. The best way to figure out your sexual identity is to live your life, and at some point, you will figure out which term best fits your experience. There is absolutely nothing wrong with changing your identity if you figure out that there is a different term that better fits your sexual identity.

    It is helpful to understand the different types of sexual identities in our society today to understand better what identity might fit best with your personal experience. Sexual identity is a very nuanced concept that is ever-evolving, so it is best not to make assumptions about the sexual identities of others.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Are fetishes acquired or inherited?

— On the origin of fetishes

By Ruoyan Li

Fetishes are non mainstream sexual interests in non genital body parts, inanimate objects, or behaviours. But why do some people have fetishes while others do not? Are fetishes acquired, inherited, or both? This topic is debatable, but evidence suggests that fetishes may be inherited.

What are fetishes?

Using an extensive sample survey, Claudia Scorolli — an associate professor and researcher in the Department of Philosophy and Communication Studies at the University of Bologna — and her colleagues classified the objects of fetishism into three categories and six subcategories. The three categories are body, objects, and behaviours.

The six subcategories are parts or features of the body like feet or weight — including body modifications like tattoos; an object usually in association with the body, like shoes or headphones; an object not usually associated with the body like dirty dishes or candles; a person’s own behavioural habits like biting fingernails; the behaviour of other persons like smoking; and interactional behaviours like domination, humiliation, and roleplay.

Some may think fetishes are rare, as they are non mainstream sexual excitements. However, recent findings counter this belief. In a 2016 study of 1,040 Canadians, 26 per cent of participants reported engaging in some form of fetish activities at least once in their lives.

In other studies, over 60 per cent of male college students and more than 50 per cent of female college students reported fantasizing about a behavioural fetish known as BDSM — bondage, domination, submission, sadism, and masochism. These results may make it less embarrassing to admit and discuss fetishes.

Despite these statistics, fetishism was once considered to be a mental illness, similar to non heteronormative sexualities and non cisgender identities. But now, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, fetishism is considered a disorder only when it causes “significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.” Gloria Brame, a sexologist and self-proclaimed fetishist, iterates that fetishism isn’t a hobby, but a legitimate sexual identity instead.

Unfortunately, fetishism researcher Giselle Rees has found that people with fetishes are still stigmatized and discriminated against as unhealthy, sick, or ‘crazy.’ Rees explains that one popular myth about people with fetishes is that they “need their fetish to have sex.” As such, those with fetishes are considered “abnormal.” However, Rees explains that people with fetishes can regularly engage in and enjoy conventional intercourse without their fetish.

What causes fetishes?

While initial theories claimed that fetishes resulted from early life experiences, later experiments contradict this thesis.

In 1966, Stanley Rachman — a psychologist at the Institute of Psychiatry, Maudsley Hospital and former professor emeritus in the Department of Psychology at the University of British Columbia — conducted a study to investigate whether a fetish was a conditioned response. Participants were first shown photographs of naked women, followed by a picture of women’s black boots. Following this, the image of black boots was found to induce sexual arousal successfully.

Anthropologist Katharine Gates theorizes that some fetishes are a result of simulation of the brain circuit involving smell and memory. Since the olfactory, memory, and emotion centres of the brain are tightly connected, a certain smell could become a trigger that connects with emotional contents and memories. This theory may explain air freshener fetishes, as well.

Further, neuroscientist Vilayanaur Ramachandran provides a neurological explanation for foot fetishes. In the brain, sensory information from the feet is processed adjacent to sensory information from the genitals. In this regard, there may be some “neural crosstalk” between these two brain areas. Fetishization is less likely to occur for body parts whose cortical representations are far from that of the genitals.

Do fetishes have a genetic component?

Fetishes tend to be permanent. In their 2007 paper, Scorolli and her team proposed that body-related fetishes may be genetic, while object-related fetishes may be more related to early-life events.

A behavioural fetish may reflect an individual’s personality. An example of such a personality trait is sensation-seeking. The Kinsey Institute’s research fellow Justin Lehmiller identified a pattern of interest in BDSM fetish among sensation-seekers.

Sensation seeking has a genetic basis related to the dopamine receptor D4 (DRD4) gene, which encodes the dopamine receptors that receive and relay biochemical signals from dopamine. A rare mutation of the DRD4 gene with 7-repeat sequences (7R) results in a version of the gene that encodes dopamine receptors less sensitive to dopamine. This means that people with the DRD4 7R+ allele need to participate in more thrilling activities to achieve the same level of pleasure as someone with the normal DRD4 gene.

Besides sexual fetishes, the DRD4 gene also influences several sexual behaviours, such as virginity status, sexual fantasies, sexual unfaithfulness to a committed partner, extra-relationship sex partners, and sexual novelty. In general, compared to individuals with the normal DRD4 allele, those with 7R+ are more active in sex and have more risky sexual behaviours.

This shows that there might be interesting evidence about behavioural fetishes as they relate to personality traits and their genetic basis, but more evidence is needed to corroborate and strengthen this relationship. For now, it appears that early life experiences, learned behaviour, neurological connections, and genetics all contribute to fetishism. With the progressive destigmatization of fetishism, there will likely be more research about the origin of fetishes.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why Queer Animal Sex Matters

— False ideas about what’s “natural” have driven bigotry for too long

Queer Ducks book illustrations by Jules Zuckerberg

By Eliot Schrefer

As far as LGBTQIA people are concerned, what is old is new again. Recent pushes to restrict classroom representation of sexuality and gender identity, to intimidate libraries out of queer-friendly programming, and to legislate away the right to choose gender reassignment might appear new on the surface, but they reflect anxieties that have been part of Western culture for centuries, and that have everything to do with what we consider natural.

The last time sexual anxieties in the USA ran this high was in the 1990s. Back then, the AIDS crisis was in full swing, the military instituted its controversial “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, and a “gay gene” was falsely reported as having been discovered in fruit flies. In that decade RuPaul’s gorgeously Amazonian presence made a lot of heterosexual men wonder about their sexuality, and Ellen DeGeneres came out, only to see her sitcom promptly canceled. Amid all this, under the guise of “protecting family values,” in 1991 the US government shelved an $18 million survey on teen sexual health, and another study of adult sexual diversity.

It amounted to a moratorium on all government-funded research into sexual identities and desire, with one notable exception. The governmental agency that was permitted to continue its research on homosexuality was … the Department of Agriculture. They’d been looking into what was known among farmers as the “dud stud” phenomenon: 8.5 percent of rams would choose only other males as sexual partners, time and again. He might be healthy and virile and have plenty of sperm to spare, but without any desire for females a “dud stud” wouldn’t sire lambs, and the farmer would be out of their investment (from $350 for a cheapie to $4,000 for a prize stud).

Queer Ducks illo

Bovid homosexual desire has long been familiar to ranchers, who watch out for females mounting other females as a simple way to determine when they’re in heat, and use steers to arouse bulls before artificially extracting their semen. Valerius Geist, a prominent mammologist, realized in the 1960s that wild bighorn sheep live in “essentially a homosexual society,” the males and females coming together only during the relatively brief rutting season. That means spending the rest of their lives in sex-segregated herds, where they engage in homosexual sex—not just quick mounting but full-on intercourse. He didn’t publish the research at the time, noting later that it was too difficult to “conceive of those magnificent beasts as queers.”

Geist probably assumed he was encountering an anomaly, but homosexual behavior in animals had been befuddling observers for centuries. Some ancient Greek thinkers believed hyenas had a special orifice for homosexual encounters, and in the 7th century, theologian Isidore of Seville was troubled by the homosexual activities of partridges, “for male mounts male and blind desire forgets gender.”

Reports of such homosexual behavior didn’t stop Thomas Aquinas from arguing, in the 13th century, that homosexuality was unnatural precisely because it did not occur in animals. His rhetoric about the “unnaturalness” of homosexuality, historian John Boswell notes, was politically useful and aligned with another moment of sexual anxiety: a surge in anti-gay legislation throughout Europe between 1250 and 1300, in which the death penalty for sodomy was introduced in country after country.

The assumption that homosexuality doesn’t exist in nature has led to very real consequences, such as the Bowers v. Hardwick Supreme Court case of 1986, which upheld the conviction of two men for sodomy, whose sentencing had cited the “unnaturalness” of their behavior. (The last sodomy law in the US was struck down only in 2003, and it remains a criminal, and sometimes capital, offense in parts of the world.)

During the last gay panic in the 1990s—and certainly back in the 13th century—we lacked today’s mainstream scientific acknowledgment of animals’ same-sex encounters. It’s been an important three decades for zoology. As a recent study in Nature Ecology & Evolution pointed out, the number of animal species with substantiated same-sex sexual behavior is 1,500 and counting.

For our near relative the bonobo, female-female genital rubbing is the most frequent sex act, one that takes place amid a matriarchy of sexually connected mothers. Shorebirds like albatross, gulls, and terns have same-sex parents in up to a third of nests; male bottlenose dolphins bond for life, cementing their union through frequent, and acrobatic, sex. Overturning long-standing assumptions that homosexual behavior was an evolutionary dead end, a growing scientific openness to animal bisexuality has resulted in compelling new theories. Foremost among these is the idea that oxytocin-producing sex is a powerful tool for reconciliation and alliance formation, whether that sex is hetero- or homosexual.

During my closeted teenage years in the 1990s, I would covertly look up “homosexuality” in encyclopedias, only to discover that it was a psychological failure of humans with bad parental attachments, without analog in nature. That echoed the rhetoric of otherwise kindly adults around me, who were grateful the “gay plague” of AIDS was getting rid of a social problem. I made it to the other side of my shame by coming to accept and even love my “unnaturalness.” It was only years later that I discovered the diversity that had been in nature all along. In writing my most recent book, Queer Ducks (and Other Animals): The Natural World of Animal Sexuality, I chose to make it accessible to teen readers, for whom internalized messaging about “unnaturalness” can be a life or death concern. (A survey last year by The Trevor Project found that 45 percent of LGBTQIA teens have seriously considered suicide.)

 I made it to the other side of my shame by coming to accept and even love my “unnaturalness.” It was only years later that I discovered the diversity that had been in nature all along.

I had these concerns on my mind when I spoke to a young wildlife ecologist, Logan Weyand, who, while working with various bovid species, has observed plenty of same-sex mounting, intersex animals, and individuals that eschew sex altogether. Though Weyand was assigned female at birth, he never felt comfortable in his body and transitioned to male during his freshman year of college. He’s still on a journey around his gender identity, selectively closeting himself, especially at his research site in Idaho, where passing can be a safety concern.

Book cover

Amid the need to navigate others’ judgments about LGBTQIA identities, Weyand finds himself longing for the times when he spends weeks away from civilization, “with the animals totally by myself, and not being judged. When I’m watching animals, I can go sunrise to sunset and not take my face away from the scope for hours.” Out there in the field, mud up to his ankles, Weyand worries only about getting good data. The sheep and moose he studies don’t care one bit about his sexual identity.

It’s a recurrent theme for many of the LGBTQIA scientists I’ve spoken to for my research. In a world where queer humans are often asked to identify or explain themselves, the radical acceptance of nature is a relief. In the animal world, everything just is.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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‘Ghosting,’ ‘Orbiting,’ ‘Rizz’

— A Guide to Modern Dating Terms

The way we talk about relationships has drastically changed in recent years. Here is a glossary of some of the most popular words and phrases you should know.

By Gina Cherelus

Picture this: You’re currently single and “cobwebbing” in the aftermath of your previous failed relationship. The attractive person you thought had “rizz” is starting to exhibit “beige flags,” so you turn to your ongoing “situationship” for attention, but deep down you hope to meet someone worth “soft-launching” on Instagram. Can you relate?

To describe yourself as single and in search of a relationship is almost too simple of a label in 2023. The way we seek romantic connections, especially with the influence of social media and dating apps, has naturally altered our behaviors and language around dating.

The fact that more people are meeting online creates an “abundance of options,” said Natalie Jones, a California-based psychotherapist who specializes in relationships and narcissism. This can make it difficult to develop a genuine connection, or can lead to toxic dating habits.

“I think that’s where these terms are coming from because now people have an abundance of people to choose from, and so different sorts of behaviors are being highlighted,” Dr. Jones said. “When you have so many people to choose from, you can ghost, you cannot call, you can hide who you truly are through online dating.”

Although there are dozens of new dating terms being used today, we spoke to Dr. Jones and Shan Boodram, a sex and relationship expert with the dating app Bumble, to help us narrow down the top dating terms that you’ll need to know.

A picture of a slice of bread and bread crumbs.

Breadcrumbing

When someone consistently checks in with a romantic prospect, dangles the possibility of a date and keeps them interested, but never follows through with what they really want: a relationship.

This act of self-love refers to purging any mementos from previous relationships (old sweaters, text threads or photos) in an effort to move on. Holding on to old phone numbers and pictures, Ms. Boodram said, “keeps someone from being fully present and invested in their dating journey.”

Cuffing

Derived from the word “handcuffed,” it’s the act of getting tied down to one partner, usually during the colder months of the year (also known as cuffing season). To be cuffed can also refer to someone in a serious relationship outside of cuffing season.

Cyberflashing

The act of sending unwanted sexual images to another person through digital means, such as on a dating app or social media platform, but also via text or another file-sharing service, like Airdrop.

Although there’s no federal law prohibiting cyberflashing, states including California and Texas introduced laws last year that give victims the opportunity to have legal recourse if they receive unwanted sexual images online. Other states are writing legislation to handle this issue.

A picture of a glass jar holding chocolate chip cookies.

Cookie-jarring

When a person seeks a relationship with someone else as a backup plan. In the same way that people might reach for a cookie when they want an instant treat, someone who is cookie-jarring pursues their backup person when the one they actually want isn’t available or has rejected them.

The Three Flags: Green, Red, Beige

Green flags are positive, compatible traits that a person possesses. Red flags are negative, potentially harmful traits. A person displaying beige flags is not necessarily good or bad. They are just dull, boring and lack effort in dating. “What we perceive as flags can vary from person to person,” Ms. Boodram said, “and though there are flags in real life, they can also be displayed via dating apps, too.”

Gaslighting

To manipulate someone into making them doubt their powers of reasoning, perceptions, memories or understanding of an event that happened. Common methods include blatant lying, denial and trivializing their feelings, which can result in an unhealthy power dynamic shift in a relationship.

Ghosting

The act of disappearing without warning or cutting off all contact with someone you’re dating, someone you’re in a relationship with or even someone you’ve simply matched with online. “Ghosting is very dehumanizing and a lot of people don’t understand that,” said Dr. Jones, who added that it can lead people to question their self-worth and value as a human being. “A lot of times it kicks up abandonment triggers.”

Love Bombing

Lavishing a new romantic partner with grand gestures and constant contact, while also keeping them isolated from friends and family in order to gain control in the relationship. Not all grand gestures of affection are red flags, which can make love bombing hard to spot.
< A picture of red, blue and orange orbits against a black background.

Orbiting

When someone has cut off communication with a person, or they have made it clear that they are not interested in pursuing a relationship, yet they continue to interact with that person on social media, usually through views and likes.

This also applies to the practice of observing potential love interests on social media, without initiating contact. Dr. Jones said that a lot of people — often women in heteronormative relationships — can mistakenly interpret this as someone being intentional about their interest, when it might not be.

“They can just be going through social media, sitting on the toilet and liking posts,” she said. “It can mean absolutely nothing and a lot of times it does.”

Rizz

This newer concept is short for “charisma” and is commonly used among members of Gen Z. It’s very popular on TikTok, Ms. Boodram said, and refers to someone’s ability to flirt with and attract a potential love interest. This can be having an engaging personality or having an unspoken allure that others cannot resist. Kai Cenat, a Twitch streamer and influencer, who coined the term, clarified that rizz originally referred to the ability to attract someone who wasn’t initially into you.

Situationship

A romantic or sexual relationship in which both parties do not communicate clearly to define their status. Unlike those who are “friends with benefits,” neither party in a situationship is certain of what the other is to them. This can be confusing and lack the consistency and support that comes with a defined relationship.

Soft-Launching

Posting a discreet photo or video of your new partner on Instagram or other social media to announce your relationship while still hiding their identity. The idea is that you don’t want to post about them on your account too soon in case it doesn’t work out. One example: sharing photos of only your partner’s hands clasped in yours. “You’re slowly trying to introduce the idea that you all can be a thing,” Dr. Jones said.

“Social media is involved in everything,” she said. “It’s like the third wheel of the relationship now.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why can’t I have an orgasm?

— Sexperts share advice on achieving bedroom bliss

If you’ve been worrying, “Why can’t I have an orgasm?” no need to panic—the pros are here to help

By Danielle Valente

“Why can’t I have an orgasm?”

There’s no need to chuck your sex toys in the trash or skip out on a sofa sex adventure. Whether you’re experiencing something psychological or emotional that could be standing in the way of your sexual satisfaction, the pros are here to help you get back on track and revel in a satisfying O.

And, above all, it’s important to remember that the phenomenon isn’t a “make it or break it” deal.

“An orgasm isn’t the be-all and end-all of sex, nor does it define a sexual encounter,” Annabelle Knight, a sex and relationship at Lovehoney (opens in new tab) previously told My Imperfect Life.

That being said, it is still in pretty high demand, so allow the professionals to help walk you through any potential hiccups you might be experiencing.

There isn’t necessarily a clear-cut answer. While medical factors might inhibit some women from achieving orgasm, emotional hurdles might prevent others from having a satisfying experience. Regardless, the first step towards taking back the pleasure is identifying the problem.

“Many people may have anxiety that can interfere with the ability to relax and enjoy the present moment. This can lead to difficulty becoming aroused, achieving orgasm, and performance anxiety,” says sex and relationship expert Melissa Stone.

Though it may seem like everyday stressors wouldn’t be an issue in bed, that anxiety can carry over into your sex life, so it’s crucial to take an extra few steps towards calming your nerves.

“It is important to practice self-care and find healthy ways to manage stress and anxiety such as deep breathing and mindfulness meditation,” Stone says. “Additionally, talking to a therapist can help to explore deeper issues and find ways to cope with and manage them.”

When it comes to physical causes, everybody is different—quite literally. Hormone imbalances, medications and conditions like endometriosis could be contributors to your orgasm’s elusiveness. Another factor we oftentimes overlook is vaginal dryness, so perhaps it’s time to play around with different types of lube. Whatever the case might be, should you believe that the issue is pressing, make an appointment with your doctor. (And have a look at what gynecologists want you to know about your reproductive health.)

Melissa Stone is a sex and relationship expert at Joy Love Dolls, the “world’s leading authority on sexual exploration, adult toys and realistic dolls.

How to get back on track with your big O:

Before going into panic mode, there are methods to consider if you’re looking for that memorable final moment. Pippa Murphy, the sex and relationship expert at condoms.uk, and Stone, break down different remedies to consider.

1. Talk about sex

If you cannot orgasm with a partner, you have to be frank. Talking about sex is the key to making it better and analyzing what works and what might need some fine-tuning.

“Couples that communicate openly and honestly are more likely to maintain a stronger emotional connection, which naturally leads to better sex,” Murphy says.

Should you feel a little bit stressed about sex, you’ll be more relieved once you have an open dialogue.

2. Try using lube

There’s a lot of misconception about lube—don’t think that it can’t help you.

“Whilst many people believe that lube is strictly for those who suffer from dryness during sex, that certainly isn’t the case and can bring a lot of benefits to the bedroom,” Murphy says. “For example, it can enhance pleasure by creating different sensations like a warming or cooling effect wherever it’s applied. Plus, previous studies have shown that lube makes it 50% easier for everyone to orgasm. Need I say more?”

Have more Qs about lube? Don’t worry—we asked them so you don’t have to!

3. Experiment during solo sex

One-on-one time gives you the freedom to do as you please without the fear of judgment from a partner. Solo sex is necessary for you to find out what you like and what you could do without. Plus, the experts say masturbation is the key to women’s most intense orgasms.

4. Switch up positions

Should your go-to move not really feel satisfying, try switching things up. And don’t forget about erogenous zones—Murphy says a little extra attention in these spots will go a long way. (Plenty of sexperts make the case for nipple orgasms.)

5. Try foreplay

“Your brain is wired to experience more pleasure when the anticipation of a reward goes on for a long period, making foreplay even more key to an orgasm,” Murphy says. “So, if you feel that your partner rushes it, take control of the situation and ask them to slow down.”

We’ve rounded up fun foreplay ideas to get the ball rolling.

6. Don’t underestimate kissing

A simple smooch goes a long way. And science says kissing during sex increases the chance for orgasm.

“A study found that couples who kiss for at least six seconds had the most successful relationships. This is because the kiss gives you enough time to get out of your brain and, instead, be in the moment,” Murphy says. “Chances are you may get more sexually stimulated as time goes on, increasing your chances of orgasming.”

7. Stay present

Though at times it’s easier said than done, remember the importance of staying in the moment. Don’t let your thoughts drift.

“Relax and try to enjoy sex. If what goes through your mind during sex isn’t exactly sexy (e.g., “What am I doing wrong?”), it’s easy to lose sight of what matters most — enjoying yourself in the moment,” Murphy says. “So instead of focusing on how things should be or what’s going wrong, try thinking about what feels good and what makes you happy.”

While you’re at it, be sure to have a gander at the best sex tips ever and the 2023 sex trends dominating the bedroom. And again, should the orgasm issue persist, don’t be afraid to seek professional advice from a doctor.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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I’m Intersex

— Here’s How That Affects My Sex Life.

“I’ve never understood the idea in society that people should be ashamed of differences like this.”

By Mark Hay

About 1.7 percent of all people are born with intersex characteristics, an umbrella term for sex traits—such as external genitalia, internal reproductive organs, and chromosomal configurations—that don’t line up with society’s artificially tidy binary concepts of male or female bodies. Some of these characteristics are visible at birth: for example, genitals that are notably different from the norms or hard to classify as definitively male or female. Some only make their presence known during puberty, like when people don’t develop in the ways they might’ve expected. Some are so internal and subtle that they’re only identified during an autopsy. In any case, it’s usually impossible to tell if someone has intersex traits just by looking at them in everyday life. Still, living with intersex characteristics can have major impacts on people’s lives—including their sex lives.

To be clear, an intersex characteristic isn’t a medical condition or disability. It’s just one of many natural variations in the way diverse human bodies look and operate. Some factors that lead to intersex variations, like atypical hormone production, can at times also cause serious medical issues that require treatment, but most differences themselves are purely neutral. Yet society’s obsession with categorizing people into one of two binary genders at birth—and with erasing or ignoring anything that complicates the clean (over)simplicity of that binary—means many people with intersex traits grow up with the notion that there is supposedly something wrong with them, but they shouldn’t talk about it. Often, they’re also pressured or forced into “normalizing” themselves to match typical male or female anatomy: Across the world, kids with visible intersex traits are regularly subjected to objectively unnecessary and often harmful surgeries to reshape or remove their genitals, expressly to make them look “normal” and supposedly help them fit into society.

A fair number of people with intersex characteristics don’t feel these traits have much effect, if any, on their sex lives. But several intersex differences can lead to unique experiences of sex and pleasure. And many “normalization” surgeries drastically reduce or eliminate people’s genital sensations, and/or lead to chronic pain and dysfunction in erogenous zones. Thanks to the extreme culture of shame and silence around these traits and experiences, it’s difficult for people with intersex traits—or who are grappling with the effects of unnecessary surgeries—to learn about their bodies, much less articulate and advocate for their sexual wants and needs. Popular misconceptions and stigmas, as well as the risk of someone reacting poorly to diverse genitals or a body that doesn’t work in the ways they’d expect it to, also make it hard for some people with intersex traits to feel comfortable exploring intimacy, or to feel sexy and sexual.

In recent decades, several intersex organizations have formed to push back on pathologization and stigmatization and to help people with intersex characteristics find community and support. But most of their public advocacy and education to date has (understandably) focused on ending unnecessary and harmful surgeries—so there’s still not a ton of public information out there on the issues people with intersex characteristics can face when navigating sex, and how to manage them.

To help bring more visibility to these issues and experiences, VICE reached out to Addy Berry, an intersex woman, and her wife Leea to talk about the ways they’ve approached sex and intimacy. Every intersex experience is unique, so Addy and Leea’s story is hardly universal. But Addy also studies the sexual experiences of people with intersex traits as a PhD candidate and an activist, and shared some of the wider insights she’s gleaned through her research, advocacy, and education work over the years.

This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

Addy: When I was born, my urethra opened on the underside of my phallus, close to the testes. I underwent surgery as a child to reroute it. In medical papers published as late as 2022, doctors have attempted to justify that type of surgery by saying it’s important for boys to be able to pee with their friends—which is a wild justification for a surgery that they perform when no one goes back to see what the long-term effects were on other people. [Editor’s Note: This is one of the most common surgeries performed on infants and toddlers with intersex characteristics.] It’s actually pretty difficult for me to pee anywhere now because there’s a mass of scar tissue within my urethra due to that surgery. So moving my urethra hasn’t done me a whole lot of good.

Doctors insist they can do things like reduce the size of a clitoris—in the past they’d fully remove it—and it’ll all be fine, when there’s no way for them to know that will be the case. Young people I’ve talked to who’ve undergone those surgeries report a lot of pain and also a lot of psychological issues related to the procedures and their long-term effects.

I was also put on hormones pre-puberty, under false pretenses. I didn’t act in accordance with the gender I was assigned—ever—and I got punished for that. Transgender and intersex are not the same thing, but a lot of us were assigned a gender despite uncertainties, and the surgeries done to make us fit that gender then don’t really suit us.

Growing up, my father said things to me like, “You weren’t born with a proper penis,” which is how I knew what my scars were from. And my mother referred to me as an abomination. The effects of all that stigma and shame come up in almost all of the interviews I do—it all has a big effect on your sexuality. I felt the effect on my sense of sexuality pretty early on in life.

Without much sensation in my genitals, likely thanks to that surgery, sex for me was never genital-centric. I could perform penetrative sex, but it doesn’t really do me any good. I was drawn to BDSM, and particularly female domination, from an early age. I’m essentially a masochist. Not everyone in the BDSM community links their involvement back to trauma, but for me I think it’s tied to my history of treatment as an autistic and intersex child who tended to be gender non-conforming and who was raised by a superstitious, sadistic Catholic woman with a lot of issues.

Due to what I was put through in my childhood, I developed into a physically masculine person, and I’d get involved with girls who liked me because of what I looked like—but who’d get angry at me for being feminine even though I was always open about who I am and I didn’t really act masculine. One partner told me that having sex with me was “like having sex with a girl,” and I was like, “Well…” They get angry at you for being the thing you said you were rather than the thing they wanted you to be. There was a lot of incompatibility in my intimate life. And then I found Leea, and there’s been so much compatibility between us that I almost wonder how she’s real. How did we find each other? We should have bought all of the lottery tickets that day. [Laughs.]

Leea: I like to read personal ads because it’s interesting to me to see what people put in them to find a mate. It’s like a love CV or something. I saw this really cute, well-written, dirty Craigslist ad one day, talking about BDSM stuff and with a cute picture, and I said “Oh that’s cool” and moved on. A few days later, I saw the same ad, but all the dirty bits were gone, and I thought that was cute too. I’d never felt inclined to write back to an ad before, but I replied, “Hey, I thought your dirty ad was cuter.” We started texting and then met for a coffee date and really hit it off. 

My dad has a cousin who has intersex characteristics. I’m not sure what they are exactly, but as far as I understood it she’d undergone surgery to make her more female, but because of those surgeries she couldn’t have a child, so they adopted. She told my mother about it because they were good friends, and most of my family knew a bit about it, but nobody talked about it or asked questions. It was kind of a family secret. So I knew intersex characteristics existed before I met Addy, but that was about it. Fairly quickly, it became obvious she was trans but not out. 

Addy: Because of my kiddos.

Leea: But it took a while to realize, “Oh, Addy’s intersex.”

Addy: Yeah, we talked about the surgeries I went through early on and all of that, but I hadn’t attached intersex language to that yet, for myself even.

Leea: Addy had to do a lot of figuring things out because she always knew she’d had these surgeries but she’d never been told specifically what had happened.

Addy: I’d known other words, and I found intersex later. The modern intersex movement has only existed as long as we’ve been able to find and reach each other online.

“The modern intersex movement has only existed as long as we’ve been able to find and reach each other online.” —Addy

Leea: Still, from early on I understood a lot about Addy—and none of it was an issue for me. We’ve just constantly had discussions about where we are. And Addy likes to talk a lot anyway. 

Addy: [Laughs.] It came up early on that you weren’t interested in penetrative sex as well.

Leea: I’d dated a lot of people, and by then I was clear on the sex I wanted to have. I was over men. I don’t give a shit about sex the way a man typically wants to have it. That’s part of why Addy was the one for me. I found someone with whom sex wasn’t centered on the male gaze. 

Addy: In the beginning, we also established that I’m not just a submissive but a masochist, and a pretty feminine person. While Leea is pretty feminine physically, she has more traditionally masculine aspects and aptitudes to her. Outside of this relationship, I’m brave, and I take care of tough things. But in this relationship, I find great comfort in being submissive to Leea.

Leea: It’s hard to remember specific conversations from that far back, but we still constantly discuss things, and the BDSM play we have today has evolved from the play we had 5, 10 years ago as we realize we like some things more or less than we did in the past and adjust.

Addy: For example, through exploration, we’ve found that medical play can be pretty cathartic for me—probably because of my history.

I’ve also experienced pretty severe depression for most of my life, and it’s very hard to get mental health help as an intersex person because not many people are qualified to help with the specific type of trauma you’ve been through. I’ve never found a therapist who’s capable of adequately addressing my trauma. But we’ve found that, when I’m in a depressive state, a caning can bring me right out of it. For example, a person I used to work with once asked me—right in front of Leea—“So if I pulled down your pants right now, what would I be looking at?” After that, I was not in a good place. But BDSM lifted up my dopamine or serotonin or something. Whatever it is, I don’t know. If we could get an MRI machine in here, that’d be interesting.

Leea: It’s really exciting as we explore more and more together. We’ve decided to dedicate this year to taking care of us, putting boundaries on who can come over to our place and when, so we can do things like exploring more BDSM play together. We want to go to more dungeons, too.

Ultimately, Addy being intersex doesn’t define anything in our relationship. It’s a part of who she is, and a part of what makes her the person I love. And because she works on intersex issues, it is something we’re always talking about. It plays a role in our life. But it isn’t who she is.

Addy: A lot of the people I’ve talked to who’ve really struggled are straight intersex people who live in a world where sex is all about a penis going into a vagina. A lot of intersex people have small penises, so living in a world full of comments insulting people for having small penises, where they learn that’s inherently bad and shameful, really sucks. For me and a lot of other intersex people who are queer, we’ve been forced to develop a wider vocabulary around sex.

Leea: The fact that we’re a queer couple has also, I think, given us more space to have conversations about things like the different kinds of sex we want to have. I feel really bad for a lot of straight couples because there isn’t a lot of space for conversations around what is good sex, how each partner is feeling, and what works and doesn’t work for them.

Addy: We have had to adapt our sex around the effects of the surgeries, and the effects of the stigma and shame I went through. But personally, I’ve never understood the idea in society that people should be ashamed of differences like this. I didn’t choose to be intersex or to be trans. So why should I be ashamed of those things? Or of being a submissive to, really, a goddess? Or for having done sex work? I don’t harm anyone. I work to make the world a better place.

I think my parents should be ashamed of how they treated me. The medical establishment should be ashamed. Society at large should be ashamed. I don’t see why I should carry shame.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Porn Teaches Teens, Especially Guys, How To Have Sex

— New Evidence And Long-Term Risks

By Shaun Harper

Most American teenagers across genders have consumed pornography, according to a new report from Common Sense, a nonprofit organization that aims to improve the impact of media and technology on kids and families. Common Sense partnered with Benenson Strategy Group to administer a survey to teens ages 13 to 17. Of the 1,358 people who responded, nearly three-fourths said they’d either accidentally or intentionally encountered online pornography. Most had recently done so.

Teens aren’t simply watching porn to satisfy their curiosities or as a stimulant for self-pleasure. Seventy-nine percent of survey respondents who’d consumed porn said doing so taught them how to have sex. Just over half had consumed content that depicted actors choking, assaulting, or otherwise inflicting pain on co-stars. Researchers have long contended that what porn watchers see in films oftentimes shapes their current and future sexual expectations and behaviors. Men, women, and genderqueer people can be harmed by this, including those who themselves aren’t porn consumers but are in relationships with partners who are or have been.

“Exposure to pornography at too young an age can lead to poor mental health, sexual violence, and other negative outcomes,” notes Jim Steyer, Founder and CEO of Common Sense. “The overexposure by teens identified in our report can normalize unhealthy views and behaviors about sex and sexual relationships that we don’t want young people to think are commonplace. In addition, with so much exposure to violent pornographic material, a major concern is how this might impact the sensitivity levels of teens to other types of violence.” Teens across all genders are susceptible to these negative outcomes, but prior research shows the risks are more pronounced among young men.

Exposure and consumption rates presented in the Common Sense report varied by gender. Boys comprised 48% of the respondents, girls were 46%, and the remaining 6% were genderqueer. Despite the fairly even number of cisgender teens in the sample, there were differences on a survey question about intentionality. Fifty-two percent of boys said they’d intentionally watched porn, compared to just 36% of girls. In some ways, this is neither new nor unexpected. Think back to pre-internet times… teenage boys were considerably more likely than were girls to have pornographic magazines hidden beneath their mattresses.

Even though the Common Sense report is focused on teens, the consumption differences among cisgender respondents presented therein are consistent with other research that is inclusive of teens and adults. In a 2022 study published in Sexuality Research and Social Policy, a peer-reviewed academic journal, researchers found that more than 97% of boys and young men had consumed pornography, compared to approximately 77% of girls and young women.

San Diego State University Professor Frank Harris III is one of the most respected and highly-cited experts on college men and masculinities. “A consequence of porn consumption among teenage boys is their tendency to pursue inequitable and oppressive sexual relationships during their young adult years,” he says. “For example, some young men may seek to assert themselves as men in sexual relationships by mimicking the aggressive or violent sexual acts that are often depicted in pornography.” Harris and other researchers also acknowledge that porn consumption can result in some young men objectifying and engaging in abusive emotional, verbal, and physical interactions with their partners. This includes, but isn’t limited to heterosexual men’s relationships with women.

In addition to discovering higher consumption rates among boys, there were also sexual orientation and racial differences in the Common Sense survey. Just over 74% of respondents identified as heterosexual; seven out of 10 said they’d been exposed to porn. Among LGBTQ+ teens in the sample, it was 89%. In addition, 69% of Black teens who’d watched porn indicated they’d viewed films that portrayed their racial group in stereotypical ways. It was 61% among Latino survey respondents.

The Common Sense report doesn’t offer a three-way intersectional analysis of the survey results by gender, sexual orientation, and race. I’ve watched 150 pornographic films on a website that has thousands of videos showing men having sex with men. Obviously, I did so entirely for research purposes. Obviously. These videos did not involve boys, teens, or any men who appeared to be under the age of 18. I did an analysis of these videos by race. Specifically, I watched 50 videos in each of these three racial groupings: white men having sex with white men; Black men having sex with Black men; and Black men having sex with white men.

One set of findings from my analysis are particularly relevant to the Common Sense report. Films with white guys having sex with each other often had plots and story lines; the actors talked to each other more often before and during sex; and there was more intimacy between partners (emotional gazing in each other’s eyes, gentle caressing, kissing, etc.). Videos involving Black men had less of this – even less so when the videos included only Black men. Undoubtedly, some women and heterosexual men have either accidentally or intentionally watched gay porn. But queer guys are the overwhelming consumers of this specific genre. These production differences teach powerful, unfortunate, and oftentimes racist lessons to consumers. The Common Sense report confirms that queer teens are among these consumers.

“The ways in which dominant male partners appear in pornography – usually with impeccably fit bodies and well-endowed penises, along with the ability to simultaneously please multiple partners and perform sex for long periods of time without climaxing – are unrealistic,” Harris adds. “This may lead some young men to develop negative perceptions of themselves as sexual partners if they cannot meet these expectations.”

The Common Sense report concludes with three recommendations. The first is to resist the presumption that teens will avoid porn, especially since so many of them accidentally encounter it online. Instead, the report suggests parents and family members should talk with teens about porn, regardless of how awkward those conversations are. The report authors also advocate for age-appropriate sex education curriculum that includes learning about porn, as well as stricter legislation to protect kids from accessing online sexual content.

Because its profits are so massive, I believe that as an act of corporate social responsibility, the porn industry ought to invest a portion of its billions into organizations that seek to eradicate violence against women and LGBTQ+ persons. There is also a role for porn production companies in helping men become considerably more mindful of the dangers associated with internalizing or attempting to reenact what they see in porn.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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This Yes-No-Maybe List Can Help Couples Explore Their Wildest Sexual Fantasies

— If one of your goals for the new year is to rev up your intimate life, consider one popular activity often recommended by sex therapists to couples looking to explore their desires: the Yes/No/Maybe list.

By Kelly Gonsalves

The Yes/No/Maybe list.

The Yes/No/Maybe list is an activity designed to help partners explore and share their erotic interests, including what they’d be curious about trying, what they already know they love from past experiences, and what’s a no-go. It’s perfect for couples or any set of sexual partners interested in learning about each other’s fantasies and seeing what overlapping areas of interest exist between them.

So, how does it work?

First, each of you will get your own individual copy of a lonnnng list of sexual activities, fantasies, kinks and fetishes, accessories, and more. There are lots of versions of this on the internet (we link some of our faves below), but some possible line items that might appear on the list include:

  • Anal sex
  • Pegging
  • Fingering
  • Dirty talk
  • Sexting
  • Making videos
  • Threesomes: FFM
  • Threesomes: MMF
  • Group sex
  • Public sex
  • Mutual masturbation
  • Spanking
  • Biting
  • Choking someone
  • Being choked
  • Bondage: being tied up
  • Bondage: tying someone else up
  • Role playing
  • Outdoor sex
  • Double penetration
  • Erotic massage
  • Watching porn together
  • Watching porn alone
  • Vibrators
  • Cock rings
  • Swallowing cum
  • Period sex
  • Food play
  • Foot play
  • Handcuffs
  • Cuckolding

The list goes on! And it can get detailed.

Next to each item, you’ll have the opportunity to write in your own personal interest level:

  1. Yes (I’m into it or willing to try it)
  2. No (Not for me/not open to it)
  3. Maybe (I could be interested with more conversation, information, and/or in a specific situation).

Some versions of the Yes/No/Maybe list—like this one from AASECT-certified sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman, M.A., CST—also feature a fourth option: Open to fantasizing about it, but not actually doing it IRL. (Which is an important and often helpful distinction, “because many people are aroused by the idea of certain acts but wouldn’t want to actually do it,” she tells mbg.)

Each person will fill out their copy of the list separately and in private—and the privacy is key here, because you want to feel open to answer totally honestly, without feeling influenced by the way your partner reacts to a certain line item.

After you each complete the worksheet by yourselves, that’s when you’ll then come together to review your responses together and look for areas of overlap where you can explore together if you so choose.

Why sex therapists love it.

The activity is often recommended by sex therapists because it allows partners to easily get to know each other’s most intimate desires, exposes them to new ideas they may not have considered but find intriguing, and gives them an easy way to bring up a kinky interest that perhaps they haven’t been able to talk about thus far.

“I think these are wonderful tools to explore erotic interests, but they are even better to open conversation,” Zimmerman adds.

That is, in addition to being a great source of inspiration, perhaps the biggest benefit of the Yes/No/Maybe list is that it simply opens up the lines of communication.

Couples can sometimes go years without ever meaningfully talking about their sex life, and it does them a great disservice. We know from research that people who talk more about sex tend to have more satisfying sex lives, whereas those who have less sexual communication tend to enjoy their sex life less, too.

“If neither partner knows what the other’s expectations, desires, or needs are around sex, there isn’t much chance of continually making it better,” AASECT-certified sex therapist Holly Richmond, Ph.D., LMFT, CST, previously told mbg. “Couples that talk about sex can have better, more exciting sex the longer they are in the relationship, which is exactly the opposite of what we’ve been told to believe, that sex gets worse or more boring the longer you are together.”

In other words, the key to a sustainably steamy sex life is being willing to sit down at talk about it. And if it’s not something you’ve been doing much of lately in your relationship? The Yes/No/Maybe list is one simple and pretty fun way to get started.

Tips for doing the activity as a couple.

Find a copy of the Yes/No/Maybe list that speaks to you. We love the one from Zimmerman linked above, or you could also try this one from AASECT-certified sex therapist Diana Sadat, RCC, CST, this one from sex educator Sunny Megatron, or any other you’re vibing with.

“I recommend people treat this exercise as a discussion starter, with curiosity and without judgement,” says Zimmerman. That includes judgment toward your partner and judgment toward yourself.

Exploring sexual interests with a partner can be an extremely fun activity, but it can also be vulnerable stuff. Stay open-minded and affirming with each other as you talk through your lists, while also being vocal about your boundaries and respectful about the other person’s.

(Remember: A relationship becomes safer, and feels all the closer and warmer, the more we’re able to say no to each other with ease. So celebrate each other’s “no”! It brings you closer every time you do.)

Also remember that none of this means you have to do anything on the list, Zimmerman reminds, no matter what you answered on the worksheet. Either way though, “you can talk about what is appealing about particular sexual activities (or what is not) and under what circumstances you’d find it interesting.”

The takeaway.

The Yes/No/Maybe list is a lighthearted, straightforward, yet eye-opening way to kick off a conversation with partners about the things that turn you both on.

Suggest the idea to your partner to see if they’d be interested in doing this on your next date night (feel free to shoot them the link to this article!), and then come into the activity together with open minds and a spirit of playful exploration. You’ll be sure to walk away with a good bit of inspo for where to go next.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How To Introduce Power Play Into Your Sex Life

Is it getting hot in here?


By Jessica Estrada

Whether you want to reignite a spark in the bedroom or are just down to try something new with your partner, power play (with continued consent, of course) may be the thing to spice up your sex life. Carol Queen, Ph.D., a staff sexologist for Good Vibrations, defines power play as play that involves differential roles, usually a submissive partner and a dominant partner. This type of power play, she says, applies to most BDSM as well as other forms of kink (think role-playing) and some forms of rough sex.

With that in mind, while people participating in power play tend to find this type of play erotic, Queen says it doesn’t always involve sexual activity. “Some go on to have sex with this heightened arousal and power-infused role-play to add passion and excitement,” she says. “Others do not choose this.” Either way, she says the benefits of power play are many, including pleasure, excitement, increased partner intimacy, and an enhanced way you see yourself and the world. Into it? Keep reading to learn how to introduce power play into your sex life.

How To Introduce Power Play Into Your Sex Life

1. Get On The Same Page

First and foremost, it’s important to talk to your partner about incorporating power play. “Find out if your partner is interested, if they have any concerns, if either of you feels the need for more information,” Queen says. If so, she encourages doing more research about power play, taking a class, or talking to an experienced friend or expert about it until you both feel comfortable taking the next steps.

2. Create A Yes/Maybe/No List

The next step is to get clear on what you’re most excited to try and your limits and boundaries. To do so, Queen suggests creating a yes, maybe, and no list, which details what you’re willing to do, things you may be into trying, and what things you’re not interested in trying. Then compare lists and find what is compatible for you to explore together. “If you’re interested in different things, figure out if either of you is happy to facilitate the other’s fantasy, or look at your maybe lists and see if there’s a way to address the elements that prevent those items from being yesses,” Queen says.

3. Choose Your Safe Word

Next, decide on a safe word other than the word no. Queen says it should be a word that would not likely come up when you’re in character during role-play. The word “red,” as in red light means stop, is a common safe word. If there’s a chance you may not be able to be heard — for instance, if it’s noisy or you are gagged — Queen recommends using a safe gesture, such as holding an item and dropping it.

And most importantly, when the safe word (or gesture) is used, respect it and give the other person what they need, whether that’s taking a break or stopping altogether. If your partner doesn’t respect safe words, Queen doesn’t recommend playing with them again as it is a breach of trust.

4. Decide Your Roles

“Even if you are not doing role-play per se, power play implies a top and a bottom (dominant and submissive),” Queen says. But these don’t have to be set in stone. “People switch all the time, but you need to know who is the ‘do-er’ and the ‘do-ee.’ Unless, you know, your fantasy is to [wrestle] and see who can overpower the other,” she says. Whatever your role, Queen adds that both of you can use the safe word at any point.

5. Check In With Each Other

Once you’ve experimented with power play (more on how to do that below), Queen emphasizes the importance of checking in with each other afterward, whether it’s right after or after you’ve had some time to process the experience. Ask each other how you’re feeling and figure out what you loved or would change if you did it again.

Power Play Game Examples

Blindfold

If you’re just dipping your toes into power play, incorporating a blindfold is a beginner-friendly way to try it out. “Blindfold one of you, and the other person touches and teases them, maybe uses toys or a massage candle, does light BDSM play like slapping or pinching,” Queen says. “The blindfold is a power toy because it removes one of your senses and it also intensifies the others.”

Role-Play & Sex

Another way to experiment with power play is to choose personas or characters to play. “Pretend to be strangers and seduce each other, or pick matching roles that include power differential to explore,” Queen says. Think mistress and butler or coach and athlete. “Remember, this is fantasy, and you can use your safe word if it goes in a direction you’re not feeling.”

Bondage

Lastly, if you want to take things up a notch, Queen suggests trying bondage with fuzzy cuffs. She says metal handcuffs can cause discomfort when you thrash around. Don’t have handcuffs on hand (no pun intended)? The submissive can put their hands somewhere and not move. “This is exciting with sex play but also a way to explore spanking and other impact play,” she says. “The butt cheeks are good, safe places to explore impact. Start mild, and escalate if desired.”

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When children ask about race and sex, we have no choice but to answer

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These days, we are involved in a great debate about whether and when we should teach kids about race, gender and sex in our schools.

But here’s the thing: There is no way for teachers to avoid teaching about race and sexuality, even in early grades. The only question is how we do it. To illustrate, let me share a story.

When my daughter was 2, we were visiting my mother in Southern California. We went to the supermarket. My daughter rode in the cart as I pushed through the store collecting items. As we worked our way through the produce section, passing along the lettuces and greens, another Black American woman was shopping just ahead of me. She was a middle-aged woman, dressed simply and sensibly, going about her business in an altogether ordinary way. My daughter watched her, and then looked up at me and said, “Mommy, I think it’s not good to be Black.”

What did I say in the moment? I don’t exactly remember. But probably something like, “Black is beautiful, my love. That woman is beautiful.”

My daughter was a precocious talker, yes. She talked early, though she didn’t talk often. She has always been a quiet and hyperobservant child. One preschool teacher said, “Still waters run deep.” When she had things to say, she said them in complete sentences. And though I think she was 2, she might have been 3 or maybe 3½. It doesn’t really matter. The point is that children learn from the world, and the world provokes questions — and when children ask their questions, their elders teach back.

My daughter’s statement was a question. Its subtext went like this: “I’ve noticed something, Mommy. It seems like it’s not good to Black. But can that be right? You’re Black. I love you. How can these things fit together? And what does this mean for me?” In that moment, I needed to teach my daughter that it is good to be Black. I also needed to teach her that she was accurately observing something about the world — that Blackness is stigmatized. And I needed to give her the capacity to set the stigma apart from the reality.

When I was 7, my father had me read “Uncle Tom’s Cabin.” To many, “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” caricatures Black experience. For my father, it provides a clear statement about the moral agency and equality of Black people — a permanent and visible fact, even in the midst of stigma. In having me read that very long book, he was teaching me.

I was a precocious reader.

But that doesn’t really matter to the story, either. What I can assure you of is that even before any of our kids, of any racial or ethnic background, get to school, every Black family in the United States is having to teach its children about race and the history of enslavement and stories of overcoming that have played out generation after generation. The same must be true for kids raised in LGBTQ families, with regard to the history and contemporary experience of gender and sexuality. I’m sure every family is doing the teaching differently. Some talking, some reading. Some looking at pictures. Some singing songs. But all are teaching.

This means that the only way you can keep knowledge and questions about these histories, experiences and perspectives out of the school curriculum in early grades is to keep Black people or members of LGBTQ families out of schools.

To recognize that fundamental fact is as if to hear a ghost whisper a revelation from a deep and ugly past. The wandering and cold-breathed ghost whispers that our old history of segregation — our now legally abandoned practices — was at some deep and existential level simply a way of evading the truth. The truth of our history and how it has been marred by racial domination. The truth of our present and our continued struggles with race. The truth of our moral responsibility to one another as human beings facing a future together.

To say it again, there is no way for teachers to avoid teaching about race and sexuality. We cannot legislate against children’s questions.

Out of charity, I will assume that the various efforts by state legislators to control when and how teachers engage with these subjects comes from an effort to open a discussion not of whether to teach in response to the questions children have but rather about how to do this. This is a profoundly important topic. And I would agree that some ways are better than others. But I hope we can take this issue of how to teach the histories and presents of race and enslavement, of gender and sexuality, out of the political maelstrom and turn them into a real conversation about how to raise healthy, loving, responsible children with a strong sense of self-confidence, purpose and charity for others in their hearts.

We grown-ups don’t get to decide whether we teach about race, gender and sexuality.

Living in our world as they do, our children have already determined that we will so teach.

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Is Outercourse the Same Thing as Abstinence?

— And 5 Other Questions, Answered

By Maisha Johnson

What is it?

Outercourse is an option for sexual activity without intercourse. When you get down to the details, that means different things to different people.

For some, it’s everything except penis-in-vagina (PIV) penetration. For others, outercourse means no penetration of any kind, including fingers, sex toys, and anal sex.

Some choose outercourse as a safe sex alternative. They put boundaries around any activity that can cause pregnancy or transmit sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

Your personal definition of outercourse may depend on your reasons for trying it.

Intrigued? Read on to learn more about how it works and what this might mean for you.

Is it the same thing as abstinence?

It might!
Like outercourse, being abstinent can have different meanings, depending on who you ask.

Some people practice abstinence because they’re not yet ready for sexual activity. For them, being abstinent may mean no outercourse.

For others, the definitions of abstinence and outercourse can overlap.

If you think of sex as any type of penetration, for example, then sticking to sexual acts without penetration can count as abstinence.

What counts as outercourse?

Since the definition of outercourse varies, the activities that count as outercourse all depend on who’s practicing it.

Outercourse might include any of the following:

Kissing

Don’t underestimate the power of a kiss. Making out can be a great way to build intimacy. Kissing different parts of the body can help you and your partner discover what turns you on.

Massage

Getting your massage on can be super sexy in the right circumstances. Set the scene with some candles or mood lighting, and use lubrication like hot or scented oils. Share intimate details with your partner about where you both like to get rubbed down.

Dry humping

That’s a term you might not have heard in a while. But dry humping isn’t just for teenagers. Grinding your body against your partner’s can be pleasurable at any age. You can even see how you like different positions, clothing materials, and role play for different types of pleasure.

Mutual masturbation (in some definitions)

Who knows how you like to be touched better than yourself? Masturbation doesn’t have to be a solo activity. You and your partner can masturbate together while kissing, cuddling, and showing each other what feels good.

Sex toys (in some definitions)

There’s a whole world of sex toys out there just waiting to be explored, and there’s a good chance you can find one for the type of stimulation you’re looking for.

For example, if you want genital stimulation without penetration, vibrators can target the clitoris or the head of the penis for an arousing time.

Manual stimulation (in some definitions)

You and your partner can take turns pleasuring each other with hand jobs or fingering, or pleasure each other at the same time.

Here’s one way to keep things exciting: Try various types of lubricants, like warming and cooling lubes, to see how you like different sensations along with your hand and finger play.

Oral sex (in some definitions)

Blow jobs, cunnilingus, rimming: There are many options for using your mouth on your partner’s genitals and other pleasure zones. And when your partner’s mouth is giving you oral sex, let them know what you’d like more and less of.

Anal sex (in some definitions)

Anal sex can be enjoyable for people of all genders and can involve a penis or sex toys. Your ideal sex toys for anal penetration might be different from the ones you like for other body parts, so anal play can be a chance to try out new toys.

Is pregnancy possible?

No intercourse, no pregnancy, right? At least, that’s usually the idea if intercourse would mean PIV penetration.

It’s true that the chances of pregnancy from outercourse are pretty slim, but it isn’t impossible.

Pregnancy can happen if fluids get in the vagina, like by accidentally dripping semen on the vulva or by fingering the vagina after touching semen.

Washing hands after handling ejaculate or pre-ejaculate can help, as well as being careful about where semen ends up anytime it’s involved in your outercourse.

Another case that could result in pregnancy? Deciding in the moment that you want to have intercourse after all.

If you’re ready for it, and both you and your partner are in agreement, there’s no reason to beat yourself up about it.

But unprotected PIV sex can get you or your partner pregnant, even if it only happens once.

Just in case this happens, it’s helpful to keep protection like condoms on hand or to be on birth control.

Are STIs possible?

Contracting STIs is also possible in some cases.

Anytime your outercourse includes genital contact or sexual fluids (like semen and vaginal wetness), there’s a risk of STIs.

For example, if you dry hump naked or with only underwear, the skin-to-skin contact can transfer bodily fluids even without penetration.

Oral sex, anal sex, and sharing sex toys can also pass STIs.

To reduce your risk, use protection like dental dams and condoms. Get tested regularly if you’re doing anything that might put you at risk for STIs.

What’s the point?

Still wondering why outercourse is worth it when you could be having “real sex” instead?

Well, don’t knock it just yet. There are many situations where outercourse might be a great option.

Anyone can practice outercourse, no matter your gender, sexual orientation, or whether or not you’ve had intercourse before.

Here are some reasons a person might be interested in outercourse:

  • You don’t have protection, like if you forgot to bring condoms or take your birth control.
  • One partner doesn’t want to be penetrated or penetrate due to not feeling ready, a painful health condition, trauma, or body dysphoria.
  • You’re tracking fertility and want to avoid the risk of pregnancy on days when one partner is more likely to get pregnant.
  • You want to avoid having sex during your period or your partner’s period.
  • One partner is having a condition flare up or not feeling up for intercourse.
  • You want to understand your own body more.
  • You want to practice and learn how to ask for what you want, or learn more about your partner’s likes and dislikes.
  • You or your partner aren’t interested or ready yet for sex.
  • You’ve tried intercourse and decided you need more time before you’re ready for more.
  • You want to mix things up and try something sexual that’s not intercourse.
  • You’d like to learn how to get the most out of your foreplay leading up to intercourse.

The bottom line

It’s easy to get trapped into thinking that sex means one course of action: foreplay, penetration, and orgasm.

But there are many ways to enjoy sexual pleasure. Lots of people have body types, desires, and needs that go beyond traditional ideas of intercourse.

Exploring the options outside of intercourse has proven to increase sexual pleasure, even for people who practice intercourse, too.

Regardless of your reasons for practicing it, outercourse is a fun way to try new things, focus on different pleasures, and explore what sensuality really means to you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Future of Sex Ed Is the Internet

Many schools have given up on crafting inclusive and informative sex education. These websites and activists are filling in the gaps.

by Nancy Jainchill

Compared to a few decades ago, young people have surprisingly less access to high-quality, informative sex education. Typically, human sexuality programs have been the responsibility of middle or high schools, but like many things, sex is political, and sex education has been prey to the influences of religious dicta, fundamentalist morals, and a family values agenda. As a result, STIs have been at an all-time high for each of the past six years, including among older adults, who are often ignored because people presume they are sexually inactive (they’re not). But thanks to the internet, sex education is enjoying a comeback, and it’s not just for teenagers or young kids, but seniors as well.

Although the majority of Americans support sex education, schools have been remiss in providing comprehensive, evidence-based curricula. Florida’s recently enacted “Don’t Say Gay” law denies students in earlier grades the chance to learn about gender identity and sexual orientation. And comprehensive sex education curricula have been under attack for prematurely sexualizing children, what’s called “grooming”—an unsubstantiated claim that sex ed “grooms” youths to be sexual victims.

Furthermore, a recent report from the Guttmacher Institute, a nonprofit that advocates for sexual health and reproductive rights, indicates that only 25 states require both sex education and HIV education, or instruction that is age appropriate. And just 17 states mandate the course content be medically accurate, which could have particular consequences for those whose sexual orientation and gender identity don’t adhere to heteronormative definitions. Nationally, at least 30 pieces of legislation aim to exclude LGBTQ+ representation. According to Guttmacher, “just say no” and abstinence-only messaging still dominate curricula, with nearly twice as many states providing information only on abstinence, as compared to condoms and other contraception. “Just say no” education isn’t realistic, and simplifies—even sidesteps—the issue of consent, which is about a lot more than yes or no, and a topic only 11 states have as part of their syllabus.

When offered, comprehensive sex ed works. Aside from reducing unwanted pregnancies and STIs, domestic violence decreases, as does homophobic bullying and child sex abuse. That’s where a number of sex educators and websites step in to fill the gap, especially important now in a post-Roe America. Here are a few resources worth checking out.

Scarleteen

Scarleteen was founded in 1998 by Heather Corinna, who still serves as its director. The site offers articles, fact sheets, resource lists, and more, all written by adult, almost-adult, and teen educators, and the content aligns with suggested guidelines for comprehensive sex education for adolescents by SIECUS, UNESCO, the US Centers for Disease Control’s National Health Education Standards, and the UK National Health Service’s Sex and Relationships Education. They also meet the new American School Health Association’s National Sexuality Education Standards. Message boards are staffed with experts and volunteers to answer user questions, for emotional support, and to engage in safe, respectful, peer-to-peer discussion. The site also offers referrals to other sexual and reproductive healthcare services, such as STI testing, prenatal or abortion care, mental health care, LGBTQIA+ support, and more.

Sex, Etc.

Sex, Etc. began as a print newsletter in 1994 and launched on the web on Valentine’s Day 1999. The content comes directly from young adults looking to fill in the gaps in their own knowledge and share what they’ve learned. In keeping with that theme, writers for the site are allowed to contribute to Sex, Etc. only until they’re 20 years old. “Nothing about them, without them,” is how Tazmine Weisgerber, who provides sex education and training for Sex, Etc., describes the site. “The national and international conversations are what our teens are talking about,” she says. “Awareness of LGBTQ+ rights and reproductive justice” are all topics of interest to the site’s visitors, she explained.

To ensure accuracy, student staff participate in a three-day training with professionals, as well as an orientation and monthly meetings. They then work with the site’s editorial content developer, Erica Pass, who guides them through pitching a story to getting it ready to publish. Vivian Welch, now a freshman at the University of Arizona, has written extensively for Sex, Etc., and says one of her favorite pieces she wrote was on sensuality. “Of all the areas that encompass sex education, one thing that people never want to talk about is sensuality, the actual pleasure aspect of sex education. They try to limit it to scare you out of having sex. Which is not the goal. The goal is to give people the proper ways to stay safe. And not just physically safe, but also emotionally safe.”

Looking to the future, Pass says they plan to produce more videos, more TikToks, and more Instagram Reels, because that’s where teens are. “I think that what’s great about Sex, Etc. is that it’s written by teens, for teens,” Welch says. “Sex education is not a way to seduce teens into having a bunch of sex … sex education is a good thing. It’s not here to scare anyone.”

AMAZE

AMAZE is a site that produces educational videos on difficult sex and reproductive health topics. The site launched in 2016, and Rachael Gibson, a psychologist and sex educator, is the site’s senior project manager. “We’ve been expanding globally,” Gibson says. “We have over 200 videos translated into different languages. We have videos specific to different countries and their needs, so our global partnerships are very important to us. And here domestically, a grand vision in a perfect world is that AMAZE is used in all schools and that all young people have comprehensive, inclusive sex ed.”

AMAZE videos are one- to three-minute-long videos based on questions the team has gotten from viewers through their YouTube channel and social media platforms, especially Instagram and TikTok. “Our puberty videos are some of our top videos,” Gibson continues. “There are a lot of questions about gender identity, what it means to go through puberty as a transgender or nonbinary or gender-nonconforming person. This is one of the biggest changes.” While the audience is largely young people, the website is used by a growing audience of parents, caregivers, and medical professionals. And in response to legislation like Florida’s “Don’t Say Gay” bill, the platform is experimenting with geotargeting its videos. “We know the kids are going to be going for the info, but we want them to get the stuff that is medically accurate, inclusive, and scientifically informed,” Gibson says.

Pornography As an Educational Tool

Traditionally, most people don’t consider pornography a source of reliable sex education; its typical purpose is to titillate rather than educate. However, there are individuals in the adult entertainment industry who have—and continue to—play a significant role in modeling a paradigm for diversity, acceptance, and ethical sex. Erika Lust, a director and producer of art-house adult films, is cofounder of The Porn Conversation, a website designed to help inform families and educators about sex. “Porn is an industry, and as a media, is sending out messages to adults, but also to all these young people who are using porn as information,” she says. By the age of 12, Lust explains, most kids have seen some form of porn, because they’re naturally looking out for it. “Even if porn never was supposed to be sex education, it has become sex education. There’s a risk just leaving them to watch it,” Lust explains. “It’s so important to have this conversation.” Lust works with other sex educators and researchers, youth organizations, and universities to counter the hypersexualized messages delivered by so much porn—messages that are racist, aggressive toward women, and reflect unrealistic body types.

But Lust’s curriculum isn’t just for young people. She provides information for parents to learn about sex themselves because often they didn’t have access to sex education when they were younger. Lust also directed a movie called Soul Sex, a documentary featuring sex educators Annie Campbell and her husband, John Campbell, where they discuss and demonstrate their approach to pleasure and lovemaking at any age. The Campbells extend their efforts on their website, where they offer coaching sessions and webinars aimed to help couples embrace their sexuality.

Other educators are also targeting older adults, particularly seniors, with educational videos designed for their needs. Jessica Drake is an adult actor and sex educator who, with her series, the Guide to Wicked Sex, directs adult-oriented how-to videos. Joan Price, an author and sex educator, teamed up with Drake to produce a Guide to Wicked Sex aimed specifically at seniors. The film is educational and explicit—Price’s informational segments are demonstrated by two senior couples. As Price told me, “Sex may change as we age, but sex has no expiration date.”

Regardless of your age, evidence-based and high-quality sex education is becoming harder and harder to find offline. As a result, the internet has become a primary resource for inclusive sex education for young and old alike. Information that deals with the essentials—our biology and how it works, and the social, psychological, and behavioral facets of sexual experiences—is readily available. As with anything else, the rest is up to us to be smart consumers and to defend free access to such information.

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15 Things You Need to Do to Be a Good Top

It’s time for all the tops out there to step their game up!

By

Here are 15 things you need to know if you want to be a good top!

1. Have some serious foreplay

We’ve all been there. We’re turned on, we’re excited, we just want to get to the game, but sometimes the tailgate is the best part. You want the experience to last. You want him to feel comfortable. Take your time before getting to the actual penetration.

2. Have the condoms

While it’s not the job of all tops to carry condoms, it’s often expected that they are the ones who will. Don’t rely on the bottom to carry the condoms. As the top, the responsibility is more on you. Also, yes, I know PrEP is a thing, and you should be on it. While a miracle drug, it doesn’t protect against other STIs besides HIV, and even if your partner is on PrEP, he may still want to use a condom.

3. Gently enter and ask how it feels

For the love of god, don’t start off by jack hammering. Go slow. Let him get used to having you inside of him. Ask how they feel. Ask if he needs more lube or if you need to pull out for a second.

4. Switch up positions and speeds

Don’t do the same thing the whole time. Speed up. Slow down. Switch positions. While (most) bottoms like to be pounded extra hard in doggystyle, that’s not the only thing we like. Oh, and it can be super sexy to make out while you’re inside of him. If you can jerk him off while you’re inside him too, even better.

5. Give him a break if he’s on top

It takes a lot of work to do cowboy, or any other riding position. Unless he’s a porn star, he’s going to get tired. Sometimes he won’t feel comfortable asking you to switch positions, which is why you should preemptively ask him if he wants to switch it up.

6. Do not false advertise

You know your junk better than anyone else. One of my biggest pet peeves is when I meet a guy, we go back, and he is freakin’ huge. Like donkey d*ck, monster huge. I’m like, where do you expect me to put that? Why did you not give me fair warning? I could have loosened up for you. This is no longer sexy that you’re well-endowed. It’s just annoying. Then there’s the other side of the coin. Don’t lie about being bigger than you are. You can’t hide it. Like, we’re going to find out and be annoyed if you gave yourself an extra three inches.

7. Pull out if you’re going to orgasm too quickly

Slow it down if you’re about to orgasm. If that’s not enough, pull out and do some other “stuff” while your body takes a break. You don’t want to ejaculate within seconds of being inside of him.

8. If you do ejaculate prematurely, let him know your refractory time, and go again

It’s not the end of the world if you orgasm quickly. Just let him know you can have some other fun for a little bit, and then go at it again. Just because you finish once, doesn’t mean that’s the end. Go again! And the second time, you’ll be able to last longer.

9. Don’t be annoying with putting on the condom

Don’t try to sneak it in there without asking. For the love of God, don’t take it off in the middle of having sex without telling him. Sex with condoms can be really annoying. Trust me, I know. But you need to respect your bottom and his wishes.

10. Say his name during sex

This is just hot. It makes him feel special and wanted. I haven’t met a single guy who doesn’t like hearing his name out loud during sex. It’s a simple yet effective turn-on technique.

11. Don’t make a big deal if you get a little “mud” on you

Butts are not chocolate soft serves. Yes, some poop can come out, but not that often or that much if you’re aware of your body. That said, it will happen at some point. It’s inevitable. Don’t make a big deal. Simply ask to change condoms. Or, if you don’t mind, afterwards, take off the condom, wrap it in a paper towel and throw it out without him seeing. Then go wash yourself off. You don’t need to tell him it happened if he didn’t realize. There’s no reason to embarrass him.

12. Read your partner and when in doubt, ask

Sometimes your partner will be vocal. It’ll be clear what he wants you to do. Other times, you’ll have to read him more. Would he like you to go slower or faster? Harder or softer? If you’re not sure, just ask!

13. Let him know when you’re about to finish and ask him where he wants you to orgasm

Some guys like it when you finish inside of them. Other guys, not so much. Some guys like you to finish on unlikely places. Be a gentleman and do what he asks. If he says he doesn’t care, still give him a heads up by telling him where you’re going to ejaculate.

14. Help him finish afterward

Just because you finished doesn’t mean the fun is over. Some bottoms don’t like to ejaculate, but many do. Don’t assume because you were the top that sex is over once you finish. Don’t be greedy. Help him finish if he wants to.

15. Don’t rush out afterward

If you want him to feel used, then yes, rush out afterwards. If not, lay in bed with him for a while. Cuddle. Have some pillow talk. Let him know that he’s more than just a piece of meat and a tight hole. Unless, of course, this was the agreement and both you knew it was a quickie. If that’s the case, then don’t overstay your welcome. Get the hell out.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!