Cisgender, Its Meaning And How It Applies To Gender And Not Sexuality

From the meaning of cisgender to cis, here’s everything you need to know about the gender identity term

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In much the same way that people can identify as asexual and demisexual, gender is just as fluid as sexuality. While some people may view themselves as agender (not having a gender), bigender (some who fluctuates between traditionally ‘male’ and ‘female’ identities) and gender queer (one who does not subscribe to conventional gender distinctions), others may see themselves as cisgender.

Earlier this year, for example, singer Sam Smith opened up to actor and activist Jameela Jamil about how he identifies as neither male or female. ‘I think I float somewhere in between,’ he told the British star on her I Weigh Instagram series.

Meanwhile, Queer Eye’s Jonathan Van Ness and Pose star Indya Moore have both addressed their view of gender in recent years.

‘The older I get, the more I think that I’m non-binary — I’m gender nonconforming,’ Van Ness told Out magazine in June. ‘Like, some days I feel like a man, but then other days I feel like a woman. I don’t really — I think my energies are really all over the place.’

As a result of gender dysphoria (whereby a person experiences discomfort or distress because there’s a perceived mismatch between their biological sex and gender identity), several areas of society – be it a workplace, university campus or public facilities – are recognising the importance of welcoming myriad binary gender identities into their vernacular and practices.

In the ever-evolving terminology of gender identities, it has never been more crucial to understand and distinguish between them.

Here is everything you need to know about cisgender:

What does it mean to be cisgender?

According to the National Health Service’s Gender Identity Development Service (NHS GIDS), being cisgender means that you identify with the gender that you were assigned by birth.

For example, if you are born a woman and you decide that you agree with that definition, it would meant that you are cisgender.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines cisgender as ‘of, relating to, or being a person whose gender identity corresponds with the sex the person had or was identified as having at birth’. Meanwhile, the word itself originates from German sexologist Volkmar Sigusch, who is believed to have coined the term in the 1990s during his work on transgender experiences.

In 2014, trans and bi activist Julia Serano told TIME magazine that defining as ‘cis’ helps some individuals in society, as ‘people don’t go around all the time thinking of themselves as a straight woman or a heterosexual man.

‘But it becomes useful when you’re talking about the ways in which people are treated differently in society.’

It’s important to remember that cisgender applies solely to gender, as opposed to sexuality, and that both heterosexual and homosexual people can be cisgender. As a personal identity category, it is self-defined and not something attributed to a person from others.

Additionally, LGBT rights charity Stonewall states that the term ‘non-trans’ is also used by some people to describe cisgender individuals.

Is cisgender a new term?

Despite its 1990s origins, the term cisgender was only added to the Oxford Dictionary in 2013.

While there is no reliable statistic for how many people in the UK identify as cisgender, the number is presumed to relatively large given that the percentage of trans people is estimated at 0.0003-0.0007 per cent of the UK population, according to the Government Equalities Office 2018.

Defining cisgender as the opposite to trans, Transstudent.org states that ‘in discussions regarding trans issues, one would differentiate between women who are trans and women who aren’t by saying trans women and cis women’.

Why can cisgender be problematic?

The term cisgender has caused controversy in recent years.

In 2014, the New Yorker published an article titled ‘What Is A Woman?’ which referenced a dispute between radical feminists and transgenderism.

‘To some younger activists, it seems obvious that anyone who objects to such changes is simply clinging to the privilege inherent in being cisgender, a word popularised in the 1990s to mean any person who is not transgender,’ journalist Michelle Goldberg wrote.

In it, Goldberg alludes to activist Alison Turkos who said: ‘It may not feel comfortable, but it’s important to create a space for more people who are often denied space and visibility.’

Meanwhile, the Sunday Morning Herald states that it the term can also falsely imply that only transgender people feel the difference between their gender and sexual identities, when in fact many queer people are also conflicted with their gender and their expectations in society.

‘Others have identified the term does not properly account for intersex people,’ it explains. ‘Because intersex people have atypical sex characteristics (for example genitals, hormones, reproductive glands and/or chromosomes), it is problematic to define their gender identity in relation to the sex they were born.’

In an interview with LGBT news site Advocate.com, transgender scholar and assistant professor of English and women’s and gender studies at College of the Holy Cross K.J. Rawson, says the word is ‘not meant to be dismissive, but rather descriptive’.

What is cisgender privilege?

According to Everday Feminism, similarly to other forms of privilege (think white privilege or male privilege) cisgender privilege reflects the uniquely advantageous position that cisgender people have as the default gender identity in society.

‘We live in a society which deems transgender people (those who identify as a gender other than that which they were assigned at birth) as being a type of “other,” which results in incredibly unjust obstacles,’ its website explains.

According to the Health Line, gender privilege comes in many forms, including easy access to all forms of healthcare and a government system for official papers that correctly identifies this gender category.

However, remember that just because you are cisgender does not mean that you may not experience other forms of discrimination, such as misogyny, racial profiling or religious discrimination.

While understanding the term cisgender is fundamental, it is also crucial to shine a light on the definition of other gender subjects such as trans.

Stonewall defines trans as: ‘An umbrella term to describe people whose gender is not the same as, or does not sit comfortably with, the sex they were assigned at birth.

‘Trans people may describe themselves using one or more of a wide variety of terms, including (but not limited to) transgender, transsexual, gender-queer (GQ), gender-fluid, non-binary, gender-variant, crossdresser, genderless, agender, nongender, third gender, bi-gender, trans man, trans woman, trans masculine, trans feminine and neutrois.’

Complete Article HERE!

How to Protect Your Children From Online Sexual Predators

A police notice to parents on the dangers minors face online.

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Sexual predators have found an easy access point into the lives of young people: They are meeting them online through multiplayer video games and chat apps, making virtual connections right in their victims’ homes.

Many of the interactions lead to crimes of “sextortion,” in which children are coerced into sending explicit imagery of themselves.

We asked two experts how families could best navigate gaming and other online activity that can expose children to sexual predators.

Dr. Sharon W. Cooper is a forensic pediatrician at the University of North Carolina and an expert on sexual exploitation. Michael Salter is an associate criminology professor at the University of New South Wales in Australia. Both are internationally recognized for their work in the field of child sexual abuse.

The following recommendations have been condensed and edited for clarity.

Set rules for when and how your child can interact with others online

Dr. Cooper: The conversation on online safety should begin with a statement that there will be rules because a parent loves his or her children and wants to see them be safe and have the best that is in store for them.

I empower parents to know that they control access and should always exert that control. Research has shown that parents who mediate online behavior have the most resilient children. It is about time online (not too much), content (age-appropriate and prosocial) and parental empowerment (access is a gift, not a right).

Spend time with your child on new games and apps

Dr. Salter: Gaining some shared experience on a new service helps you identify risks, builds trust and provides an opportunity for nonconfrontational conversations. You can find out more about different platforms by going to trusted sources such as Common Sense Media and the eSafety commissioner website in Australia, which provide useful summaries of new apps and their safety features.

Talk to your child about online safety, and listen

Dr. Salter: You can start by talking about our rights and responsibilities online. You can emphasize that, online, we have an obligation to treat people well, and a right to be treated well by others.

You can brainstorm with your child the kinds of situations where they might feel unsafe, and the strategies they can use to stay safe. Set reasonable rules, but keep the conversation open so they feel comfortable coming to you if something happens that concerns them.

We’ve had situations where children have stayed silent on really major sextortion cases for months because they were already in trouble online and didn’t want to be in trouble for breaking the rules, too. Groomers and abusers rely on silence.

Encourage your child to raise any concerns with a trusted adult

Dr. Salter: Red flags that an online “friend” can’t be trusted: They tell the child to keep the relationship secret; they ask for a lot of personal information; they promise favors and gifts; they contact the child through multiple platforms and services; they initiate intimate discussions about the child’s appearance; and they insist on meeting face to face.

The first thing is for children to raise concerns with adults they trust. They should know never to send a nude image on the internet and remember they don’t have to do anything they don’t want to do. Their most common mistake is not listening to themselves when they feel uncomfortable.
Be on the lookout for warning signs of abuse

Dr. Cooper: We try to avoid making children feel they are wholly responsible for their safety because if they fail, they develop significant guilt and self-blame. That being said, the most important warning signs are too much time online and angry reactions when parents put in a cease-and-desist order. Others are contact with a “voice” they do not recognize, and contact with someone requesting inappropriate behavior, including duping their parents.

Educate your child about blocking users who make them uncomfortable

Dr. Salter: While exploring a platform or app with your children, find out how to report and block users who make them feel unsafe. Encourage them to use this option if they receive unwanted or uncomfortable contact. If the user persists, contact your local police.

Don’t blame your child if abuse arises

Dr. Salter: The first step is to remain nonjudgmental and reassure your children that they are not in trouble. Groomers rely on children feeling too ashamed to tell, so it’s important to be supportive.

The most common mistake parents make is embarrassment — being unable to create a space in their relationship with their children where it’s O.K. to discuss their emerging interest in sex. It’s really hard to talk to children about their sexuality.

Take charge as your child’s online protector. No one else will.

Dr. Cooper: The industry is not about the business of promoting safety. I have yet to see a new cellphone purchase accompanied with a “How to keep your children safe with this device” pamphlet. We should empower children and show them how to report to trusted authorities.

Complete Article HERE!

Sexual health goes beyond condoms

University of Calgary Student Mitch Goertzen holds a condom in Calgary on Thursday, Sept. 26, 2019. Safe sex prevents unwanted pregnancies and the spread of STIs.

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Safe sex is something that everyone who is sexually active should be aware of, but sadly, some of this vital information can get lost in the shuffle.

Whether you’re in a long term relationship, hooking up, or somewhere in between, keeping yourself safe is vital.

Condoms are the thing that comes to mind for most people when they hear the words ‘safe sex’, but there are options out there that prevent STIs and pregnancy that don’t get the attention the condom does.

That said, the good, old, reliable condom is a good place to start.

Condoms for safe sex

These are, by far, the easiest to get access to, and are available at just about any grocery store or pharmacy. They’re useful for vaginal, anal, and oral sex, though you might want to get un-lubricated condoms for oral sex, since the lube on most brands is not very tasty. There are flavoured options, but they’re usually listed as novelties and aren’t recommended for vaginal or anal use.

“The sugar in some flavorings can cause yeast infections,” said Ellie Goodwin, a local sex educator.

Condoms are the most effective way to avoid STIs and pregnancy, though if you or your partner have a latex allergy, do keep in mind that sheepskin condoms are less effective against STIs.

So, the old rule still stands true. No glove, no love.

Internal Condoms

Often referred to as “female condoms,” these come with a very detailed instruction manual, mostly due to the fact that many people are not familiar with them or how they work.

Basically, the internal condom goes into the vagina and leaves a bit hanging out that covers everything on the outside of the body.

While they say you can insert one hours before you have sex, many said that wasn’t really a comfortable option.

“It’s not exactly uncomfortable,” said Danielle Park, about the one time she tried one.

“I was just super conscious of it the whole time. It’s hard to be in the moment with a deflated balloon between your legs.”

Despite being marketed as a way to have more control over one’s sexual health options, the internal condom is not widely available.

But, if you don’t mind hunting for them, and you follow the instructions, they are an effective option.

Dental Dams

No, we are not looking for plaque with these. Dental dams are square or rectangular pieces of latex that work as a barrier between the mouth of one person and the genitals of another while performing oral sex. They protect against all the same STIs that condoms do, but they are woefully unheard of for many people.

“I don’t know if it’s because we don’t want to talk about oral sex that doesn’t involve a penis, or what but too many people don’t know what they are or what they’re for,” said Goodwin.

Woefully lacking too, are places to buy them in Calgary.

But, never fear, it’s super easy to make your own.

All you need is an unlubricated condom. Unroll it, cut through it from the bottom to the tip and, voila! You’re ready for safe oral sex.

Keep yourself safe

No matter how you protect yourself during sex, it’s important to use the method as instructed and consistently.

“It’s your health on the line, and even the best sex isn’t worth risking that,” said Goodwin.

“Have fun and be safe and informed.”

Complete Article HERE!

How Parents Can Talk With Their Teens About Sex and Consent

By Shafia Zaloom

Exploring sexuality with others can be scary, confusing, and thrilling, and digital devices make every interaction more consequential. Consent must be given in person, during sexual activity, and whenever a new form of sexual activity is initiated. Many young people communicate and establish relationships through technology. This may provide a false sense of knowing someone, intimacy, or readiness to engage in a sexual relationship. With all of the abbreviations young people use (hu = hookup, wbu = what about you, dtr = define the relationship, etc.), they are in many ways abbreviating relationships. It is important to consider that the only way to truly know if you are comfortable and ready to be sexually active with someone is to actually spend time with them.

As adults, we can talk to teenagers about knowing whether they can trust someone and are ready to be more intimate. This means considering whether they are comfortable discussing issues such as consent, how far they want to go, what they are ready to do, etc. If their partner pressures, manipulates, or guilt-­trips them into activities they don’t feel ready for, they should consider whether this is a relationship they want to continue.

Sex educator, speaker, author, and my personal rock star, Emily Nagoski, has a beautiful garden metaphor I use with my students to deepen their understanding of consent within the context of their sexuality. It goes like this: When you’re born, you’re given a little plot of rich, fertile soil, slightly different from everyone else’s (a.k.a. your brain and your body). Your family and culture (the immediate and broader communities you’re a part of) plant seeds and tend the garden. They also teach you how to tend it. Those seeds are the language, attitudes, knowledge, and habits about love and safety, bodies, and sex.

Each garden is unique and has different needs depending on the vegetation those seeds yield. Some gardens may require extra sunlight and water, some may need extra fertilizer or shade, some may be drought-­tolerant or need extra vigilance when it comes to weeding out toxic and invasive species. Over time, as you become an adolescent, you start to take on the responsibility of tending your own garden. While discovering what’s in your garden, what it needs, and how to take care of it, you get to choose what gets pulled out and what gets to stay.

Consent is having the agency to decide who gets to enter your garden and what will happen while you’re there together. It’s the option to choose whether someone comes in and how they behave while they are there—­do they play and frolic, or stomp and trample? Consent determines how long they get to stay, and whether they get to plant something or take anything with them when they leave. You should ask before entering someone else’s garden. Honor it because it’s theirs. And anyone you let into your garden should help it thrive.

Parent–­Teen Conversation Starters

My students give me the best advice for how to approach conversations with teenagers. Be concise and focused. Allow your teen to guide the conversation. Talk less and listen more. It’s OK to say “I don’t know.” Stay open to different perspectives. Avoid letting the conversation become a family debate. Worry less about what your teen is doing and more about how they feel about it. Have many smaller conversations over time in different contexts. My students also emphasize the importance of selecting questions from the list below that will resonate with your own teenager. Every teen is unique and up to different things and dealing with different issues, so be selective with the questions you choose.

In your own words, what is consent? What are some examples of consent that come up in everyday life?

What’s the value of consent? How does it relate to healthy relationships?

What are some examples of asking for consent?

What does it feel like when someone doesn’t respect your right to choose for yourself? How do/can you respond?

How can you connect your understanding of everyday consent to sexual consent?

Why are some people trying to change the notion of consent from “no means no” to “yes means yes”? What is the difference, and do you agree or disagree?

What are some examples of consensual questions for the following: asking someone out; deciding how you’re going to spend time together; or being sexually intimate with someone?

What are the circumstances in which consent cannot be given?

What are some important characteristics of a sexual relationship beyond consent?

Resources: Everyday Feminism magazine has a helpful online comic strip titled What If We Treated All Consent Like Society Treats Sexual Consent?

Straight Answers to Teen Questions

Why is “yes means yes” better than “no means no”?

“Yes means yes” comes from the media’s coverage of recent affirmative consent laws (“affirmative” is the legal language used that requires someone to ask for agreement to initiate a level of intimacy). Until affirmative consent laws were created, the phrase “no means no” reflected widely held thinking around consent and sexual assault. It meant that if someone said no to a sexual act, the person initiating the activity should respect that boundary and stop what they are doing. This is still important. If someone doesn’t want to engage in a sexual act, they can say no and the other person should stop or it might be considered sexual assault.

“Yes means yes” is an improvement on “no means no,” because “no means no” assumes yes until that person expresses their discomfort by literally saying the word no. Ideally, all people would feel comfortable and confident enough during a sexual encounter to say no. Unfortunately, that isn’t always the case, especially with young people. Asking for affirmative consent, if the question truly allows for either answer, expresses respect and care for a partner’s sexual experience. It is also more positive because it affirms desire and hopefully leads to better sexual communication. It is the kind of communication that ideally should happen during sex and in healthy relationships. Beyond yes is enthusiastic consent, which means not only does the other person agree to what you’re doing together, but also they genuinely desire it and they’re excited about it.

What would be considered “another level of intimacy”?

An example of another level of intimacy might be going from making out with someone to taking their clothes off, or when two people are feeling each other up and one reaches into the other’s pants. Another example is when someone goes from intimate touching to moving down the other person’s body to give oral sex. Different people experience different levels of intimacy in different sexual situations. Some people may feel that kissing is more intimate than genital touching. Others may think that genital-­to-­genital intercourse is more intimate than oral intercourse. It depends on the person, so ask and pay attention to how your partner responds.

Do I have to ask for consent even if I’m really close to the person?

Yes, you must ask for consent even if you’re really close to your sexual partner. A preexisting relationship does not equal consent. There are many benefits to knowing your partner. In a healthy relationship, trust and care are built over time. This allows for both partners to communicate without fear of being judged. Sometimes, consent is wordless between people who know each other really well. Communication happens with body language, facial expression, and pleasurable sounds. Still, paying attention to context is important for everyone. The context or circumstances that surround the sexual activity can change within moments and may influence how someone feels sexually, and it is important to understand that context may influence consent. And if the consent is wordless, the partners involved must be attentive to each other and make sure that whatever is happening between them is something they both want.

When do I have the right to say no? When is it socially acceptable?

You have the right to say no at any time in a relationship or within a sexual experience. The answer to the second question will likely vary depending on who you talk to. We live in a sex-­negative culture (one that focuses on objectification, sexualization, sex stigma, and body-­shaming) that doesn’t always promote healthy perspectives on sexuality, especially for young people. It may seem and feel like you have to say yes because that is what you see in the media or what you hear from your friends. A sex-­positive and sexually healthy society would make it socially acceptable to say no to sexual activity whenever you feel you want or need to. Remember that you are under no obligation to engage in behavior you don’t feel ready for, no matter the circumstances.

There are different ways to say no that you may want to consider. Within any type of relationship, be clear with your no. If you are in a healthy relationship, engage in a conversation with care and respect, so you can talk through what you’re both thinking and feeling. What your partner wants matters. Being a considerate and generous lover is mature and responsible. Encouraging people to talk openly about consent, and the ability to say yes and no, benefits everyone. Everyone deserves that kind of respect from a partner, and it makes for a healthier relationship.

If you are saying no in a hookup situation, be clear and assertive. If you and your partner are engaged in a respectful sexual encounter and care about each other’s experience, it should be OK to engage in open and honest dialogue. You could say, “I’m not comfortable with that but would be comfortable with [activity].” If your partner only seems to care about getting off physically and doesn’t consider your experience, then be clear and direct with your no and end the hookup. Bottom line: you have the right to say no.

Can someone give consent if they are drunk?

No. The legal language of affirmative consent legislation for being drunk or intoxicated is “incapacitated.” A person cannot give consent if they are incapacitated, which means they aren’t able to think clearly because they are under the influence of a substance or drug (alcohol is considered a drug). The point at which someone becomes incapacitated is different depending on many variables, including genetics, size, tolerance, how much of a substance they consumed, what kind of substance they consumed, when and how they took the substance, if they had recently eaten, or if the substance had an additional substance in it. If someone reports a nonconsensual experience and the people involved were incapacitated, the police or authorities on a school’s campus (if it took place at school) will investigate to determine whether the people involved were incapacitated and if this impacted the situation.

If I send a nude or “dick pic,” does that count as consent?

No. You cannot give consent to sexual activity over a phone or other digital device, especially if you are under the age of eighteen. Nudes do not equal consent. In fact, unless someone asks for a nude photo, it can be considered sexual harassment. And if you’re under eighteen, taking sexually explicit photos of yourself and “sexting”—­sending nude photos—­is considered trafficking in child pornography and is against federal law. Some states have teen sexting laws to deal with this common issue because the consequences for teens who violate federal law can be severe. Remember, too, that what is on your device and what you send to others is essentially public. Just because the photos disappear from your phone doesn’t mean that someone didn’t screenshot and forward or save them. If you send a nude photo, you should expect that it will probably become public at some point and may be circulated. Would you want your family, employer, college admissions officer, or future romantic interest to see it? Probably not.

What if I’m comfortable doing something sexual with a guy but not a girl?

Your body belongs to you; you get to choose how to touch and be touched. The guidelines are the same for managing what’s going on while you explore sexuality with someone, regardless of gender. No matter the person and how they identify, it’s important to communicate your desires and limitations and to listen and ask for theirs. Mutual respect doesn’t depend on how someone identifies. Communicate with a potential sexual partner in the moment. If they are safe and OK to be with you sexually, it’s OK to do what you want and don’t want. Period.

Isn’t it OK to push just a little to try to persuade someone to go further? I’m not going to force someone, of course, but what if they just need a little convincing?

Nope. Not OK to push even just a little. The need for any sort of persuasion makes the situation nonconsensual. Coercion, or saying things like “C’mon, it’ll feel good,” “Just relax, don’t worry about it,” “If you like me you’ll do this,” or “Everyone does this, what’s wrong with you?” is not consent. Adding social power or leverage to the dynamic is also not consent. Saying things like “C’mon, don’t you want to be first pick of the team next year? You know I’m the captain,” “If you don’t do this, I’ll have to post those pictures you sent me,” or “You don’t want everyone to know you’re gay, do you?” is not consent. It is coercive and exploitive. It is manipulative, unhealthy, bullyish, and disrespectful to pressure someone into second-­guessing themselves and compromising their emotional and physical safety; if taken too far it can even constitute assault.

Can consensual sex be regrettable?

Yes. If consent is asked for and given, without the influence of substances, the impairment of a mental or physical disability, coercion or age disparity (one partner is over eighteen, the other is under eighteen), then the sex is legal. Just because the sex is legal, however, doesn’t mean it’s right. If it isn’t consented to for the right reasons—­for instance, someone wasn’t ready, the sex wasn’t physically or emotionally safe, or someone else’s well-­being is impacted (like a friend is betrayed)—­someone may regret having participated in it. Legal sex is not necessarily ethical or “good” sex. Ethical sex is legal and takes into account the well-­being of the participants and others who may be impacted by their actions. Good sex is legal, ethical, and feels pleasurable and satisfying for both partners. To avoid regrettable albeit consensual sex, make sure you choose to engage in sexual activity for your right reasons.

Complete Article HERE!

The future of sex ed has arrived.

Is America ready?

Sinai Torrejon, program services coordinator at Girls Inc., leads a class discussion on gender and sexuality at Western High School in Anaheim, California, on September 20, 2019.

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It’s the second meeting of the Informed and In Charge program at Western High School, and today’s activity is called the “sexuality wall.”

The gist is pretty straightforward: At one end of the classroom is a big sheet of paper with “Sexuality?” written in blue marker. “Write down as many different terms regarding sexuality, regarding identity, regarding gender, as you may have heard,” the instructor, Sinai Torrejon, asks the class.

A mix of around 20 students from different grade levels — wearing tank tops and wide-legged pants, ripped jeans and hoodies, false eyelashes and no makeup — grab markers and get to work. They chat among themselves. “I wrote pan — pansexual,” one says. “Asexual means you don’t like nothing, you don’t have those feelings,” explains another.

The students seem calm and comfortable. Though they take the activity seriously, they’re also having fun with it: One of them uses several different markers to write “bisexual” and “lesbian” in letters that look three-dimensional, like they’re popping off the paper.

In fact, the whole classroom has a relaxed feel. The students sit on plastic chairs, not traditional desks. A table at the front holds prizes the teens can win in icebreaker games, like makeup brushes and stickers. One girl casually eats from a container of instant ramen. This is Southern California after all, where open-mindedness and chill are branded exports.

When they’re finished, Torrejon helps the students — all part of a dropout prevention program at Western called the Independent Learning Center — define the terms on the wall. LGBTQ+, she explains, “is a term that is trying to be inclusive of all the other identities and sexualities that there are.” Queer, she says, “can be used as a slur or as a derogatory term,” but now some in the LGBTQ+ community are “taking ownership of that word.”

Next, they move into a discussion of the differences between gender identity, gender expression, and sex.

“Can someone else tell you what your gender identity is?” Torrejon asks.

“No,” several students say.

“Is it okay to not be 100 percent sure yet?”

“Yes!” is the enthusiastic response from the class.

A bit later, Torrejon tells the class, “You are your own person. You are unique. You are perfect the way you are.”

Welcome to the future of sex education in America. California wants to lead the way.

But even in one of the bluest of blue states, where just about 32 percent of voters cast their ballots for Donald Trump in 2016, programs like the one at Western are getting backlash. In 2016, the state passed a law requiring that schools offer LGBTQ-inclusive sex ed with lessons on gender identity and expression as well as materials on HIV prevention and healthy relationships. Last year, the state released draft guidelines aimed at helping schools put the law into practice, and since then, parents have been pushing back — with some even taking their kids out of public schools so they don’t receive the new sex ed.

The day before Torrejon gave her lesson about gender and sexuality, parents, advocates, and even students protested outside their legislators’ offices around the state, demanding a repeal of the law. One parent, Shanda Ellsworth-Lobatos, called it “a cognitive behavior modification program to sexualize and groom your children” at a protest not far from Western.

What’s happening in California is a version of a conflict that’s likely to ramp up around the country in coming years. What some parents and conservative groups call “indoctrination,” sex education advocates call changing the world: teaching students to respect each other’s identities and autonomy in ways they hope will lead to less sexual assault, harassment, and homophobia in society at large.

As Jennifer Driver, vice president of policy and strategic partnerships at the nonprofit SIECUS (until recently known as the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States), told me: “We like to frame sex education as a vehicle for social change.”

The movement toward an education based on acceptance over abstinence

For many people in their 30s and older, the phrase “sex education” probably conjures up images of an awkward assembly in a high school gym, if it conjures up any images at all. Picture Kevin Arnold on The Wonder Years, watching his gym teacher trying to draw a diagram of the female reproductive system, but instead scrawling something that looks like a cow.

In the 1980s, the AIDS epidemic inspired states to get more serious about sex ed, and by the 1990s, most states required some form of HIV/AIDS education. But conservatives almost immediately pushed back, calling for sex education to focus on abstinence, and the messages students got about sex could be confusing — even in California.

A teacher at the High School of Fashion Industries teaches AIDS prevention in her hygiene class in New York City, on November 27, 1991.

As a high school student in Los Angeles in the 1990s, I remember getting a classroom visit from a man living with HIV who helped demystify the virus and talked about prevention. I also attended an assembly led by a woman who said that every time you have sex, it’s like putting a piece of tape on your arm and ripping it off, until the tape — which represents you — is covered in hair, disgusting and useless. This, I later learned, is a common abstinence-based lesson.

Today, 39 states and the District of Columbia require some form of sex or HIV education. But only 17 require it to be medically accurate — meaning educators can teach that condoms don’t work or that innate gender differences govern everything from how people look at their fingernails to how they carry their books. And abstinence-based education (now sometimes described as “sexual risk avoidance education”) has become more common, not less, since I was in high school, thanks to support from Republican administrations. By 2014, half of middle schools and a three-quarters of high schools focused on abstinence. The Trump administration has also been a strong backer of the abstinence-only approach — in 2018, it issued new funding rules favoring abstinence-based programs.

One big problem with abstinence-only, though, is there’s no evidence that it works. As Aaron E. Carroll reported at the New York Times in 2017, several studies have found no effect of such an approach on teen sexual activity. It also doesn’t teach students what they need to know about contraception and sexual health if they do decide to have sex.

That’s why sexual health advocates around the country have backed comprehensive sex education for years. Truly comprehensive sex ed should include information on abstinence, but also on sexually transmitted infections and contraception, Driver told me. Lessons should be inclusive of all sexual orientations and gender identities. And it’s not just about avoiding pregnancy and STIs — comprehensive sex ed, Driver said, should also include lessons on healthy relationships, consent, and decision-making, as well as analysis of cultural norms and values around sex and sexuality.

Sex education can be a “powerful vehicle to change societal norms,” Driver said (SIECUS recently made this concept part of its name, rebranding as SIECUS: Sex Ed For Social Change). For example, the rise of the Me Too movement has sparked “a lot of conversations about consent,” she said. But “very few people can articulate what consent looks like.”

By contrast, “what would a world look like if everyone had comprehensive sex education?” Driver asks. “How would the Me Too movement look very differently?”

California might be about to find out. The state has been on the forefront of the movement toward more comprehensive sex education for years. In 2003, the state passed a law requiring that HIV prevention be taught in public schools, and that all sex education materials “be appropriate for use with pupils of all races, genders, sexual orientations, ethnic and cultural backgrounds, and pupils with disabilities.”

But critics said the law was too vague, and in 2016, the state implemented the California Healthy Youth Act (CHYA), which requires that students get sex education that includes information on HIV and pregnancy prevention, healthy relationships, gender identity, and more — including abstinence — at least once in junior high and once in high school. All course materials must be medically accurate, and discussions of relationships must be inclusive of same-sex couples.

Since then, school districts around the state have been updating their curricula to comply with the law. For example, Anaheim Union High School District, which includes Western High School and about 16 other junior high and high schools, added lessons on human trafficking and gender identity expression to its high school health curriculum to comply with the law, said Patty Hatcher, a health curriculum specialist with the district.

In many districts, like Anaheim Union, California students get sex education from their health teachers. But some districts also bring in visiting teachers from groups like Planned Parenthood and Girls Inc., a nationwide nonprofit dedicated to fostering the health and education of girls. In many cases, the visitors supplement what the district is already doing. But when there’s no one trained on staff, the outside groups may provide all the sex education required by the state.

Over the course of about 12 class periods, the Girls Inc. program teaches students about menstruation, birth control, STI prevention, sexual harassment, consent, dating violence, and more. Classes are open to anyone who identifies as a girl, no questions asked, according to Jessica Hubbard, director of program services for the Orange County branch of Girls Inc. The organization doesn’t offer an equivalent program for boys, but at Western Independent Learning Center, where most classes are online, students of all genders may also take an online health class that includes sex education.

About 25 miles away in Irvine, also part of Orange County, the district adopted Teen Talk, a research-based curriculum for students of all genders that covers anatomy, STIs, pregnancy prevention, and body image, among other topics. It also includes one lesson specifically devoted to sexual orientation and gender identity, which “does a great job in dispelling myths and stereotypes” like the idea that being gay is a choice, Kelli Bourne, who is in her 14th year of teaching health science at Lakeside Middle School, told Vox. But it also uses language throughout that’s inclusive of all orientations and identities: “Teen Talk does not favor one type of relationship over another,” she said.

Overall, the goal of Teen Talk is to “drive home to kids that there is a range of values” when it comes to sex, Bourne said. And values — whether something is okay or not okay — are at the root of a lot of questions students ask in class, she said.

When it comes to sex and sexuality, Bourne explains to students, some people believe one thing, and others believe something else. Ultimately, “it’s up to you to decide what you believe,” she said, “with input from your parents and your family.”

Conservative pushback is mostly about LGBTQ inclusivity

About a month into the school year, around 20 people gather outside Assembly member Tom Daly’s office, about 10 miles from Western High School. These are the families in Orange County who feel that, despite what programs like Teen Talk say, they’re not getting enough input. They feel their kids are learning values at odds with their own.

At the latest of several “Sex Ed Sit Outs” to protest the law, parents hoist handmade signs with messages like “education not indoctrinate” and “no gender ID ideology.” Some have brought their kids, who play on the grassy median strip next to the sidewalk. A few older students take a more active role.

One first-year high schooler, for example, holds a cardboard sign reading, “AB 329 is a sexual grooming program.” He is here with his mom, but he tells me he also believes that the sex education law violates freedom of religion. “It’s either you’re a girl or you’re a boy,” he says. “That’s what I agree with.”

Meanwhile, many parents say CHYA violates their parental rights. “This law doesn’t respect our beliefs and rights as parents to teach our children how they should behave and live,” one mom, Ofelia Garcia, tells me.

“Even if I didn’t have any grandchildren or children, I would be doing this,” Garcia says. “As a daughter of God, this is to speak for my faith.”

Parents protest the California Healthy Youth Act (CHYA) outside Assemblymember Tom Daly’s office in Anaheim, California on September 20, 2019.

Garcia says she’s against “the gender ideology” put forth by CHYA, and that she hopes the law will be revoked because “because otherwise our children are going to be against us.”

The fear that sex education will pull kids away from their parents is a common theme. So is a concern about lessons involving gender identity.

Shanda Ellsworth-Lobatos, for example, tells me she started homeschooling her son, a third-grader, after she found out his Anaheim elementary school was planning a Diversity Week but had not notified parents of content involving LGBTQ or gender-nonconforming people.

Students were going to read Jacob’s New Dress, a children’s book about a boy who wants to wear a dress to school, she said. “They had a whole series of things that they were going to do with the children but they were not going to disclose to the parents.”

Ellsworth-Lobatos also said teachers had been told “if a child is struggling with gender identity, not to notify the parents.” On the whole, she said, the school was “lack of transparency” and “parent alienation.”

The Anaheim Elementary School District (separate from Anaheim Union, which includes only junior high and high schools), however, says alienating children from their parents is the opposite of what it intends. “Clear communication with our families is paramount,” Elsa Covarrubias, the district’s director of communications, told me. She said it was absolutely not district policy to keep parents in the dark about children’s gender identity. “We are in contact with parents regarding anything that impacts their children,” she said.

Girls Inc. says it encourages students to talk to their parents about what they learn, and the group hosts evening events where parents can be more informed about the program. Also, CHYA requires that sex education in California encourage each student “to communicate with his or her parents, guardians, and other trusted adults about human sexuality.” And the law allows parents to opt their children out of sex education if they choose.

But parent protests have continued, heating up last year with the release of a state document called the Health Education Framework. The framework isn’t law or a required curriculum — instead, it is intended as guidance to help school districts develop curricula in line with CHYA. But parents soon began protesting My Princess Boy, a picture book about a boy who wears dresses and a tiara, and S.E.X: The All You Need to Know Sexuality Guide to Get You Through Your Teens and Twenties, a book by the founder of the popular sexual health information site Scarleteen. Parents said the material was too explicit, and objected to teaching younger children about gender identity.

In May, the state removed six books, including My Princess Boy and S.E.X., from the framework, a final version of which is slated to be released early next year. But some parents were unsatisfied, and with the start of a new school year, protests began again.

California’s Orange County, where Anaheim is the largest city, has been one of the biggest hubs of pushback against CHYA (other counties in the blue state where parents have protested include Santa Clara, just south of San Francisco). The county is historically Republican territory. Ronald Reagan launched his political career with a speech in Anaheim in 1965, and Richard Nixon’s presidential library is in the nearby city of Yorba Linda, where he was born. A majority of residents voted for John McCain for president in 2008 and Mitt Romney in 2012.

However, Orange County is changing — the county went for Hillary Clinton in 2016; in 2018, Democrats flipped four congressional seats there, turning the county entirely blue. But in some ways, Anaheim feels more like middle America than like Los Angeles, less than 30 miles to the northwest. Near Assembly member Daly’s office, a Hooter’s restaurant advertised “Military Mondays.” And as protesters against the sex ed program lined the sidewalk, more than a few passing drivers honked in approval.

Orange County has always a specific brand of conservatism, though: It’s not the type of place where overtly anti-LGBTQ messages are always spoken out loud. Residents are used to having to curb their language for surrounding progressives. And Republicans in California aren’t known for holding particularly socially conservative views — residents sometimes use the term “California conservative” to refer to someone who’s liberal on social issues but favors low taxes and small government.

All that is to say that some of the anti-LGBTQ rhetoric espoused by Republicans around the country — like former Virginia attorney general and recent Trump appointee Ken Cuccinelli, who has said that acts of homosexual sex are “against nature and are harmful to society” — are less common here. Aggressiveness is not the norm.

For example, most of the parents on the sidewalk on this September day say their opposition to CHYA is not about homophobia or transphobia, but about their desire to choose what their kids learn. “It’s not about hate or disliking or anything like that,” Ellsworth-Lobatos says. “It’s about my parental rights and what I want to teach my child.”

Then again, there is a minority that imparts a more direct message. At a forum on CHYA held by the Anaheim Republican Assembly the night before the protest, Arthur Schaper, an activist with the “pro-family” group MassResistance, referred to the law as the “California Unhealthy Perversion Act.”

“There has to be a culture shift in this state,” he told the crowd of a few dozen at a German restaurant not far from Daly’s office. “Being gay is not okay. Yes, I just said that. If I can’t say that in Anaheim, we’ve got a problem.”

The benefits of comprehensive sex education are well-documented

What proponents of laws like CHYA have on their side is research and numbers. In California, a large majority of parents have historically supported comprehensive sex education — 89 percent, according to one 2006 survey. Nationally, most parents also support comprehensive sex education.

According to one 2017 study, more than 93 percent of American parents think it’s important to teach sex education in middle school and high school. Meanwhile, 92 percent of Democratic parents and 75 percent of Republican parents said high school sex education should include discussion of sexual orientation.

Unlike the abstinence-only approach, education like the kind students at Western and Lakeside get is also supported by research. Comprehensive sex education programs have been shown to reduce sexually transmitted infections and increase use of contraception — as well as reducing sexual activity, the goal of abstinence-only programs, Carroll reports at the Times.

And the benefits go beyond those typical markers of sexual health. “We know that comprehensive sex ed can help people develop healthier relationships” as well as helping them have “honest conversations with their parents about values,” Driver said.

There’s also evidence that sex education can help reduce sexual assault. One 2018 study found that students who received sex ed that included discussion of how to say no to unwanted sex were significantly less likely to experience penetrative sexual assault once they got to college. Abstinence-only sex education did not have the same effect.

While anti-sexual harassment advocates often emphasize teaching people not to commit harassment and assault, rather than teaching people to avoid it, there’s evidence that education can help in this way too. A 2015 study found that a middle-school program that taught communication and emotion management reduced instances of sexual harassment and homophobic name-calling at school.

Sex ed can also help to dismantle gender stereotypes. “With comprehensive sex ed, young people are able to reject or unlearn the harmful stereotype that depicts boys as constantly working to ‘score’ by having sex with girls and, conversely, depicts girls as non-sexual beings who are responsible for managing the behaviors of boys,” SIECUS communications manager Zach Eisenstein told me in an email. Some abstinence-only programs, he said, reinforce these stereotypes by comparing girls to Crock Pots (because they supposedly take a long time to “heat up”) and boys to microwaves (which heat up quickly).

When students learn that there are a variety of gender identities and expressions, they “are better suited to identify, question, and reject feeding into harmful gender stereotypes from the start,” Eisenstein said.

After the students at Western wrote terms on the sexuality wall, the class moved on to a discussion of the idea that girls like dolls and boys like action figures, or that girls should be pretty and boys should be strong.

“That language really does have an effect on us,” Torrejon told the class. “We absorb that and we internalize that, and then as we get older we kind of put those stereotypes on other people.”

Inclusive sex education can be especially protective for LGBTQ young people, Driver said. Research shows that when a school has an LGBTQ-inclusive sex education program in place, LGBTQ students are less likely to experience depression, drug or alcohol abuse, and bullying, she added.

Such education has benefits for all students, Driver said, including those who don’t identify as LGBTQ. “Students learn to value other people’s perspectives,” she explained. “They learn to value and have empathy for people who are different from them.”

For proponents of inclusive sex ed, this is the goal: for students to learn not just to protect themselves from STIs and unintended pregnancy, but to treat each other — and themselves — with care and respect. And if they get education like this now, the thinking goes, maybe when these kids become parents, they will be more accepting of their children’s identities and help them make informed choices. Homophobic views like those expressed by Schaper will be less common in the future.
While most parents are in favor of comprehensive sex ed, change is slow.

Despite the research supporting it, and the parents who want it, comprehensive sex ed still isn’t the norm in many places around the country. In part, that’s because education in America isn’t federally controlled. Even with a more supportive president than Trump, the White House only has so much influence over what goes on at the state and local levels. And at those levels, there are enough parents opposed to sex education — and enough conservative groups to back them up — to block a lot of attempts at change.

In other words, implementing comprehensive sex ed remains an uphill battle, but one a growing number of states feel is worth fighting.

If history is any guide, California has often helped lead the way on progressive legislation, from a law loosening abortion restrictions in 1967 to one legalizing medical marijuana use in 1996. And with state legislatures turning increasingly Democratic in 2018, some see a coming “blue wave” that could bring with it more socially liberal reforms around the country.

Then again, if California has taken years to fully implement its 2016 law, change elsewhere in the nation is likely to move even more slowly. For example, when an Arizona school district considered implementing a comprehensive sex education curriculum called Rights, Respect, Responsibility in 2018, the conservative legal group Liberty Counsel sent the district a cease and desist letter. The group said the school district was in violation of an Arizona law banning HIV/AIDS education that “promotes a homosexual lifestyle.” The state repealed that law earlier this year, but such restrictions are still on the books in several states.

Because schools tend to be locally controlled, “there’s so much variation among what young people will receive” not just from state to state but from district to district, Driver said. In California, for example, while Anaheim has been on board with CHYA from the beginning, other nearby Orange County School districts delayed implementation, according to EdSource. And while Girls Inc. used to teach sex education across the county, districts started dropping the program when protests against CHYA started heating up. Now Anaheim is the only one left.

For opponents of CHYA and of LGBTQ-inclusive sex education more generally, these delays are a good thing. Education about sexual orientation and gender identity “should be done in the privacy of your home,” Ellsworth-Lobatos said.

But supporters of inclusive sex education say they’re not teaching kids ideology. They’re just respecting who their students are: nonbinary, male, female, gay, straight, asexual, or any of a variety of the above and beyond.

Sometimes sex education is a two-way street. During the class I visited at Western, students taught Torrejon the meanings of several terms, including “demi girl” and “demi boy,” which refer to people who are nonbinary but with some identification with the female or male gender. People who identify that way “use she/they pronouns or he/they pronouns,” a student explained to the class.

Torrejon says she sees the impact of the Girls Inc. program on the students she teaches: “They’re just so much more confident and comfortable within themselves” after the program, she said.

Like Bourne’s class, the program includes an anonymous question box, but students sometimes leave positive feedback instead. “Just hearing how appreciative they are for being able to learn all this, when they know the stigma on it otherwise, is the best feeling ever,” Torrejon said.

After the September class, I asked a few students what they’d learned. “I learned different types of sexualities and different pronouns,” one told me. “I didn’t really know that there [were] that many.”

Another student, a 17-year-old senior, told me he’d done a lot of online research about gender and sexuality in previous years because for a time, “I wanted to be male.” Today, he uses he/him pronouns but says, “I don’t label myself right now.”

Talking about sex and gender identity always makes him nervous, he told me. After class, he was still “a little bit” nervous, he said — “but a lot less.”

Complete Article HERE!

Why So Many Women Aren’t Enjoying Sex as Much as They Could

The messages you hear about sex while growing up have consequences in adulthood, a study suggests.

By Claire Gillespie

For many of us, sex ed doesn’t end in high school. It’s not unusual to have to do some serious work decades after the first mention of the birds and the bees––often to try to repair the harm that was done back then.

That’s the focus of a recent study, published in the American Journal of Sexuality Education, which asked nearly 200 women to share the types of messages they’d received about sex and sexuality when they were growing up. And the vast majority of them had only negative experiences to report.

Think of all the crappy messages you’ve received about sex and your body over the years, and you’ll relate: you shouldn’t have sex before marriage, having sex during your period is disgusting, masturbation is shameful. Those messages may come from direct conversations with parents, educators, or religious leaders, or they may come from the mass media, such as Facebook, YouTube, or chat rooms.

Wherever they stem from, their impact can be long-lasting. It’s not too much of a leap to connect negative messages about sex to difficulty reaching orgasm, body image issues, a lifeless libido, and less satisfying sex in general.

For the study, participants were asked to share memorable messages they received about reproductive and/or sexual health, and their responses prove just how crucial those early messages about sex are.

One participant said they “…wish that I wouldn’t have been taught about sex as if it were a bad thing, from my school.” Another revealed that her first encounter with shame around sex came when she had chlamydia in her early 20s, and the reaction of a family member made her feel “ashamed and disgusted.”

Several participants shared negative experiences connected to strong religious-based abstinence messaging around sex. “‘Don’t have sex. If you have sex, you’re going to get pregnant and we’re going to kick you out.’ This was my sex talk from my parents,” said one. “This stuck with me for years and still does.”

But the sole aim of the study wasn’t to remind women of just how much negativity they absorbed about sex. Study authors also share different ways to combat any unfavorable lingering feelings. When the women were asked what helps them develop more positive attitudes to their sex lives, here are the four main takeaways.

Having open dialogues about sex

Many participants said the “main catalyst” for a more positive attitude toward their own sexuality was having honest conversations with friends and family, as well as hearing more discussions about sex in society in general. One participant said she had “lost some of the shame associated with menstruation and sexual health” as a result of “growing older, educating myself, and falling into fairly liberal, well-educated friendship circles.”

Getting more (and better) sex ed

Many interviewees said their perceptions of sex, health, and their bodies improved thanks to further education about sex, menstruation, fertility, and reproductive health. “This education was often initiated by the individual and included conducting independent research, asking questions of friends, family, and medical practitioners, and reading further into topics on websites, blogs, and in books,” the researchers write.

Becoming body positive

A big part of sexual empowerment for the study participants came from working on developing body comfort and acceptance and autonomy. “This paradigm shift toward empowerment often stemmed from participants educating themselves about their bodily functions,” the researchers write.

“My perspective about menstruation and reproductive health has changed over time,” said one participant. “I now see them as amazing biological functions that are a testament to how impressive the human body is, thanks to friends who have empowered me to embrace my own fertility.”

Ditching gender stereotypes

The women in the study felt more positively about their bodies, sexual health, and sex in general when they questioned traditional beliefs about womanhood and femininity, as well as challenged stereotypical gender roles.

It’s undeniable that young women need positive messages about reproductive and sexual health as part of their upbringing. Perhaps a good starting point would be for every parent, educator and religious institution to get a copy of this study.

Complete Article HERE!

10 Incredible Books About Sex & Sexuality

By Erika W. Smith

I went to a public high school, but my school took an abstinence-only approach to sex ed. In fact, it was pretty similar to the sex ed scene in Mean Girls — it was taught by the football coach, we were warned that having sex would pretty much ruin our lives, and we all learned absolutely nothing. In fact, the Mean Girls sex ed class was better than the one I took, because at least the Mean Girls coach gave out condoms — mine never mentioned any form of birth control.

Instead, I learned about sex from friends, the internet, and books — and books were by far the most accurate source of knowledge on that list. I’m one of the legions of fans who credit the American Girl book The Care and Keeping Of You for teaching us all about puberty — not just periods, but also pubic hair, pimples, and B.O.

Now that I’m an adult woman and a professional sex & relationships writer, I still read books to learn more about sex. So I put together this list, including some of my favorites, some of my colleagues’ recommendations, and some suggestions from my Twitter followers that I’ve already added to my to-read list.

Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski, PhD

This bestselling book explores the whys and hows of women’s sexuality — asserting that there’s no one “normal,” and it’s useless to compare your own experience to others.

Faking It: The Lies Women Tell about Sex — And the Truths They Reveal by Lux Alptraum

In Faking It, Lux Alptraum challenges the idea that faking an orgasm is a bad thing. Instead, she explores how often, when, and why women lie about sex.  Read an excerpt on Refinery29

Queer Sex: A Trans and Non-Binary Guide to Intimacy, Pleasure, & Relationships by Juno Roche

In Queer Sex, trans activist and writer Juno Roche combines her own story with interviews with other trans and non-binary individuals, creating a narrative that offers both insight and practical advice. Read an excerpt on Refinery29 UK.

Mating In Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel

In Mating In Captivity, renowned relationship therapist Esther Perel explores erotic desire, explaining why it’s so hard to maintain it in a long-term, monogamous relationship — and what to do to keep it alive.

The Ethical Slut, Third Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton

This guide to ethical non-monogamy remains a go-to for people interested in polyamory, two decades after it was first published.

Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good by adrienne maree brown

Writer and activist adrienne maree brown introduces the concept of “pleasure activism,” arguing that, as she puts it, “pleasure is a measure of freedom.”

The Vagina Bible: The Vulva and the Vagina: Separating the Myth from the Medicine by Jen Gunter, MD

Dr. Jen Gunter, who’s become known as “Internet’s OB/GYN” thanks to her viral Goop criticisms, gives us a guide to vaginal health, including yeast infections, painful sex, and “the myth of the G-spot.”

Girl Sex 101 by Allison Moon

This sex ed book features illustrations, instructions, and sex tips from over a dozen sex experts. Moon and Diamond take a trans- and genderqueer-inclusive approach to their suggestions, showing that there are many ways to have incredible sex.

Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe About Women, Lust, and Infidelity Is Wrong and How the New Science Can Set Us Free by Wednesday Martin, PhD

Dr. Wednesday Martin challenges myths about women’s supposedly relationship-focused nature, arguing that in fact, women may struggle more than men with sexual exclusivity. Read an excerpt on Refinery29.

Unscrewed: Women, Sex, Power, and How to Stop Letting the System Screw Us All by Jaclyn Friedman

In Unscrewed, Jaclyn Friedman examines the state of sexual power in the United States,  looking at how politics, religion, education, and other factors play into our sex lives.

Complete Article HERE!

How to talk to children about sex

Talking to children about sex has multiple benefits

By Marie Claire Dorking

Just reading the title of this article is likely to bring many parents out in an uncomfortable sweat.

Having the sex chat with your smalls is totally filed under the awkward convos parents dread, but being able to talk openly and honestly about the subject has multiple benefits.

Recent research has revealed that children who feel able to talk to their parents about sex are more likely to delay having sex until they are older, as well as making healthy and sensible choices like using contraception.

Couple that with the fact that many parents could well be underestimating the extent of children’s exposure to sex and porn online, with recent stats revealing children as young as seven are viewing porn online because of the lack of age checks, and it becomes clear that having the sex chat could be more important than ever.

Knowing you should tackle the subject is one thing, knowing how to do it is quite another.

One couple were so concerned about how to tackle the topic they delegated by advertising for an expert to do it for them.

But there are ways to open up the discussion with minimal blushes and embarrassment on behalf of all parties.

When should I talk to my children about sex?

While there is no correct age to talk to children about sex, according to the NHS, it’s never too early to start talking about it. “If your child is asking questions about sex, they’re ready for truthful answers,” the site explains.

The site goes on to explain that “talking to children about sex won’t make them go out and do it. Evidence shows that children whose parents talk about sex openly start having sex at a later stage and are more likely to use contraception.”

Which has to be a good thing.

Plus, the earlier you do it the less chance they will already have picked up, often incorrect, information from their playground pals, which could warp or distort their views on the subject in the future.

How to talk to your children about sex

Check your reaction

Your reaction to children asking questions or being curious about sex or gender has a huge impact on the child and the messages they internalise about sex.

“Children pick up on verbal and non-verbal behaviour,” explains Sarah Calvert a Psychotherapist, Psychosexual and Relationship Therapist.

“If they feel a parent/carer is negative about sex, they can develop a negative attitude; conversely if the parent/carer is positive, they are more likely to develop a positive relationship to sex and their own sexuality.

“That’s why it’s so important for parents to think about where they are with this subject, and what they may be unconsciously communicating to their children.”

Try to be sex positive

Calvert says good sex education encourages positive attitudes towards sex and sexuality, enabling children to grow up to lead confident and happy sex lives.

“It’s important to be positive about sex and speak about the pleasures that a healthy and happy sex life (with one’s self or with another) brings,” she explains.

“We should feel confident to empower their sexual exploration and development rather than cloud it in a cloak of shame. It’s also important to ensure our children have information that empowers them and enables them to keep them safe, teaching them about boundaries and consent.”

Do some prep

Give yourself time to think and explore your own attitudes and beliefs about this subject before speaking to children.

“Everyone has their own views on sex that have been formed to a large extent by messages they have received, many of these from childhood,” explains Calvert.

“It’s crucial that parents are aware of their own filter, and question why it exists. For example, we’ve all received messages about gender and how girls or boys should behave. How have these messages impacted and informed who we have become?

“The same goes for sex and sexuality. We need to be aware of the lens that we view these subjects through before discussing them with children.”

Complete Article HERE!

How Young People Are Redefining Sexuality And Romantic Attraction

by Rory Gory

Pansexual, skoliosexual, asexual biromantic. How young queer people are identifying their sexual and romantic orientations is expanding—as is the language they use to do it.

More than 1 in 5 LGBTQ youth use words other than lesbian, gay, and bisexual to describe their sexualities, according to a new report based on findings from The Trevor Project’s National Survey on LGBTQ Youth Mental Health. When given the opportunity to describe their sexual orientation, the youth surveyed provided more than 100 different terms, such as abrosexual, graysexual, omnisexual, and many more.

While many youth (78%) are still using traditional labels like gay, lesbian, and bisexual, another 21% are exploring new words to describe—in increasingly nuanced ways—not only their sexual orientation but also their attractions and identities as well.

Young queer people are redefining sexuality and attraction in their own terms, and are leading the way in how we talk about them.

Why words matter

Finding a word to describe your sexual identity can be a moment of liberation. It can be the difference between feeling broken and alienated to achieving self-understanding and acceptance. And when specifically describing one’s sexuality to others, labels can help create a community among those who identify similarly and facilitate understanding among those who identify differently.

Words to describe the specifics of one’s sexual and romantic attractions (affectional orientation) are becoming more important to younger generations. Anticipating The Trevor Report’s findings, the trend forecasting agency J. Walter Thompson’s Innovation Group found in 2016 that only 48% of youth in Generation Z identify as exclusively heterosexual, compared to 65% of millennials.

How do you define sexual orientation?

Whether you’re within the queer community or not, we all have a sexual orientation, or “one’s natural preference in sexual partners”—including if that preference is to not have any sexual partners, as is true of many in the asexual community.

Sexual orientation is a highly individual and personal experience, and you alone have the right to define your sexual orientation in a way that makes the most sense for you. Sexual orientation is also a complex intersection made up of different forms of identity, behavior, and attraction.

Identity

Gender identity may influence your sexual orientation, but it’s important to remember that sexual orientation and gender identity are not the same thing. A person has a sexual orientation, and they have a gender identity, and just because you know one doesn’t mean you automatically know the other.

But in discovering your gender, you may redefine your sexual orientation in new ways. This experience can be true for transgender people, who may undergo changes in their sexual orientation after their transition—or who may change their labels, such as a woman who adjusts her label from straight to lesbian to describe her attraction to other women after transitioning.

Our identities cannot be put into one single box; all of us contain many different types of social identities that inform who we are. This is, in part, why Dr. Sari van Anders, a feminist neuroendocrinologist, proposed the Sexual Configurations Theory to define sexual identity as a configuration of such factors as: age and generation; race and ethnicity; class background and socioeconomic status; ability and access; and religion and values. Anders’s theory takes into account how our many identities factor into our sexual identity, and recognizes that our sexual identities can be fluid too.

Behavior

Sexual behavior also influences how we discover and define our sexual orientation. But, who you’re currently dating or partnered with, or who you’ve had sex with before, does not dictate your sexual orientation. Nor does it fully define who you are and who you can be.

Someone may have sexual experiences with a certain gender without adopting any label for their sexuality. Someone may have had a traumatic sexual experience, such as sexual assault, with a gender that has no bearing on how they self-identify. A person may have attractions they’ve never acted on for various reasons. An asexual person may have engaged in sexual activity without experiencing sexual attraction. Sexual and asexual behavior all inform one’s sexual orientation but do not define it.

Attraction

We most often think of attraction purely in sexual or physical terms, but it also includes emotional, romantic, sensual, and aesthetic attraction, among other forms. For example, a sapiosexual (based on the Latin sapiens, “wise”) is a person who finds intelligence to be a sexually attractive quality in others.

Attraction also includes the absence of attraction, such as being asexual or aromantic, describing a person who doesn’t experience romantic attraction. (The prefix a- means “without, not.”) Unlike celibacy, which is a choice to abstain from sexual activity, asexuality and aromanticism are sexual and romantic orientations, respectively.

Why is there a new language of love and attraction?

Sapiosexual and aromantic highlight ways in which people, especially LGBTQ youth, are using newer words to express the nuances of sexual and romantic attractions—and the distinctions between them. Many assume a person’s sexual orientation dictates their romantic orientation, or “one’s preference in romantic partners.” But romantic and sexual attraction are separate, and sometimes different, forms of attraction.

While many people are both sexually and romantically attracted to the same gender or genders, others may have different sexual and romantic desires. Someone who identifies, for instance, as panromantic homosexual may be sexually attracted to the same gender (homosexual), but romantically attracted to people of any (or regardless of) gender (panromantic, with pan– meaning “all.”)

Asexuality is not a monolith but a spectrum, and includes asexuality but also demisexuality (characterized by only experiencing sexual attraction after making a strong emotional connection with a specific person) and gray-asexuality (characterized by experiencing only some or occasional feelings of sexual desire). And, quoisexual refers to a person who doesn’t relate to or understand experiences or concepts of sexual attraction and orientation. Quoi (French for “what”) is based on the French expression je ne sais quoi, meaning “I don’t know (what).”

While asexual people experience little to no sexual attraction, they, of course, still have emotional needs and form relationships (which are often platonic in nature). And, as seen in a word like panromantic, the asexual community is helping to contribute a variety of terms that express different types of romantic attractions. Just like all people, an asexual person can be heteroromantic, “romantically attracted to people of the opposite sex” (hetero-, “different, other”) or homoromantic, “attracted to people of the same sex” (homo– “same”). They may also be biromantic, “romantically attracted to two or more genders.”

As more people identify as trans or nonbinary, words like androsexual (andro-, “male”) and gynesexual (gyne-, “female”) describe sexual attraction to gender expressions or anatomy, regardless of how a person identifies their gender. Someone who identifies as androsexual is attracted to masculinity or male anatomy. Someone who identifies as gynesexual is attracted to femininity or female anatomy.

Androsexual and gynesexual do not define the gender of the person being labeled the way the words lesbian (a female homosexual) or gay (a homosexual person, especially a male) do. These terms can be easier for gender-fluid people to use. Sexual orientation can be fluid, too, as describes the experience of an abrosexual person, whose sexuality could be fluid, for example, between bisexuality and homosexuality.

Certain genders and body parts may play a large role in many people’s sexual orientations, but others may be specifically attracted to people with nonbinary genders. The word skoliosexual is defined as an attraction to people who identify with a nonbinary gender. Skolio– is based on a Greek root meaning “bent” or “curved”; negative associations with these words have compelled some to use the term ceterosexual instead, with cetero– based on (et) cetera, cetera meaning “the rest.”

Defining relationship types

Some young people are beginning to clarify not just their sexual orientation, but also their preferred relationship type. For example, a person who identifies as pansexual nonamorous is sexually attracted to all genders (or regardless of) gender (pansexual) and does not seek any form of committed relationship (nonamorous).

The importance of clarifying the relationship type that you prefer can help dispel common misconceptions that the genders you are attracted to dictate the number of partners you desire, such as the myth that all bisexuals are polyamorous.

In the write-in portion of the The Trevor Project’s survey, youth used nuanced language to explain the complexity of their sexual orientations and desired relationship type, such as one youth who replied “I’m a [grayromantic] polyamorous homosexual.” This young person identified their romantic attraction (grayromantic, or “occasionally experiencing romantic attraction”), sexual attraction (homosexual), and the number of partners they prefer (polyamorous, “involving multiple consensual romantic or sexual partners”). Grayromantic polyamorous homosexual paints a far more specific picture than just gay does.

One may also prefer solo sex and romance, such as those who identify as autosexual or autoromantic (auto-, “self”). A person may desire many sexual partners of any gender, but zero romantic relationships, which can be identified as non-monogamous aromantic pansexual.

You don’t have to be queer to use more specific terms to describe the number of partners you prefer or the relationship type you desire. An individual whose identity more closely conforms to current societal norms, such as a straight, cisgender, married woman, could also describe her sexuality in more specific terms, such as a monogamous heteroromantic heterosexual woman. This means she desires one partner of the opposite gender, to whom she is both sexually and romantically attracted.

Beyond labels

Despite the proliferation of labels, there are still many who choose not to identify. Of the 52% of Generation Z that doesn’t identify as specifically straight, many eschew labels altogether.

For many whose identities are fluid, living without a label can be more liberating than adopting one. For others who are questioning or exploring their sexuality, going without a label is more comfortable than committing to one that doesn’t quite fit.

Defining yourself

Unique labels—including the lack thereof—allow us to speak to the differences in our lived experiences. We do not all experience the world in exactly the same way, and we should feel free to describe our individuality using the words that do that best.

You are the expert of your experience, and know better than anyone else how you feel, what you value, and what you need. You deserve to use as many or as few words as you want when describing your unique understanding of your sexuality.

And it’s OK to use different labels depending on the situation, too. If a person is concerned for their safety, they may choose to disclose very little or nothing about their identity. Or, if someone is speaking to a person unfamiliar with the LGBTQ community, it may be easier for them to use labels such as gay, lesbian, or bisexual.

Sexual and romantic relationships are a huge part of our lives. These relationships are often the most important ones we have, building the foundations of our families and support systems. New words are an exciting way to help you discover, understand, and express your sexual orientation and attraction—and new words help give us the freedom and power to define ourselves.

Complete Article HERE!


What’s your fetish:

Power dynamics

By Shay Rego

Fetishes may seem like a taboo subject, but they’re much more common than we may think. Fetishism is defined as a form of sexual behavior in which gratification is linked to an abnormal object, activity, part of the body, etc.

College students’ curiosity and sexual exploration can increase curiosity in fetishism. From a sample of college students in a study conducted by Harvard, 22% said they were interested in fetishes, and 43% said they have or believe they have a fetish.

There are many different categories that span the fetishism criteria, and each category has multiple subcategories within it. Many fetishes can overlap with other fetishes. For now, I will discuss the fetish of power dynamics and its various subcategories, from the familiar to the rare.

Using power dynamics in the bedroom means allowing one partner to have more control over the situation than the other partner. Even the most vanilla of relationships show some type of power play.

Being the one in control can feel empowering and can lead to even more of a turn on. Being the one out of control can also be a huge turn on, as this allows someone to not have to worry or think about what to do next — they can simply enjoy.

BDSM

BDSM is the umbrella term used to describe relationships that use any single type of bondage, dominant, submissive, sadist or masochist scenario. These categories will be explored below.

Generally, BDSM can be anything from something as harmless as blindfolding your partner to having a full-blown sex chamber similar to Christian Grey’s in “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Partaking in BDSM doesn’t mean you and your partner have to specifically comply with one or more of the subcategories, but certain activities may lean more toward one.

Dominant and submissive

This is one of the most entry-level forms of BDSM. Basically, it’s an agreement between both partners where one pledges to be in charge of how everything in the bedroom is going to be, known as the dominant, and the other pledges to do everything that is asked of them by the dominant, known as the submissive.

Being submissive to the dominant can take place erotically in the bedroom, but it can also be carried into everyday lifestyles.

Bondage and discipline

Bondage is a subculture of BDSM. Bondage includes the practice of consensually restraining your partner for erotic purposes. Common restraint practices include handcuffing, gagging, blinding or shibari.

Shibari is a style of bondage developed by the Japanese and typically involves rope tying. This rope tying is also a form of art and, for some, a form of therapy or meditation.

Discipline falls directly in line with the dominant and submissive roles. If the submissive disobeys the rules or refuses to listen to the dominant, then the submissive is subjected to discipline. Punishments can include flogging, nipple clips, slapping and more. Punishments can carry on outside the bedroom as well.

Sadist and masochist

Sadism and masochism are on the more extreme end of the BDSM subcategories. A sadist is someone who directly derives sexual pleasure from inflicting pain onto their partner. A masochist is someone who receives sexual gratification from the pain inflicted on them from their partner. So naturally, sadists and masochists go hand-in-hand.

The idea is that the sadist, usually the dominant, enjoys carrying out punishment for something their partner may have done that was naughty. It’s not necessarily that the sadist enjoys inflicting long-term and significantly painful damage onto their partner. The masochists, usually the submissive, tend to feel like they deserve punishment for their naughty act and may feel better receiving their punishment.

Rape play

Rape fantasies are normal, despite how others might grimace in disgust and misunderstanding. It’s another form of a power dynamic. Usually, this type of power dynamic is done with a trusted individual or an already dominant/submissive relationship. This could be seen as an extremist form of sadism and masochism, but keep in mind that this fantasy is still consensual for both parties.   

The infliction of pain, feeling under ownership and loss of self for the “victim” incites sexual pleasure, whereas the simulation of violence can serve to show ownership or attachment to the “victim.”

Complete Article HERE!

Survey sheds light on fluid teen sexual orientation

At least one in five teenagers reports some change in sexual orientation during adolescence, according to new research.

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“This work highlights the fluidity that many adolescents experience in terms of how they label their sexuality and who they feel sexually attracted to,” says lead author J. Stewart, a PhD student at North Carolina State University.

For this study, researchers looked at data from 744 students from rural high schools in the southeastern United States; 54% of the students were girls, 46% were boys. Students filled out surveys each year for three years, spanning either their freshman through junior years or their sophomore through senior years. Researchers collected the data between 2014 and 2016.

The researchers found that at some point during the three-year period, 19% of students reported at least one change in their self-labeled sexual identity—for example, classifying themselves as heterosexual in year one and as bisexual in year two. Some students reported multiple changes, such as switching from heterosexual to bisexual between years one and two, and then back to heterosexual in year three.

There were also notable differences between male and female students, with 26% of girls reporting some change in sexual identity over the three-year study period, compared to 11% of boys.

In addition to how teens labeled their sexualities, researchers looked at the extent to which teens reported being romantically attracted to boys and/or girls. The study found that 21% of students reported changes in who they were attracted to over the course of the study. As with sexual identity, some students reported changes in romantic attraction between years one and two, and again between years two and three.

Again, there were notable differences between boys and girls, with 31% of girls reporting changes in romantic attraction, compared to 10% of boys.

“Some adolescents shifted between sexual minority identities and/or attractions—gay or lesbian, bisexual, etc. as well as varying degrees of same-sex attractions—across all three years,” Stewart says. “Others fluctuated between heterosexual and sexual minority groups. And when we looked at the extent to which sexual identity, attraction, and sexual behavior aligned, we saw some interesting trends.”

The researchers found that the majority of people who identified as sexual minorities also reported some degree of same-sex attraction—and most had engaged in some form of sexual behavior with a person of the same sex.

However, there was more variability among students who identified themselves as heterosexual—particularly for girls.

For example, 9% of all female students labeled themselves as both heterosexual and having at least some attraction to girls. And 12% of girls who reported being both heterosexual and having no sexual attraction toward girls also reported engaging in same-sex sexual behavior.

“The results for boys mirrored those for girls, albeit to a lesser degree,” Stewart says.

“Adolescence is a time of identity exploration, and sexual orientation is one aspect of that. One takeaway here is that the process of sexual identity development is quite nuanced for a lot of teens. And based on research with young adults, we expect these patterns will continue for many people into their late 20s and even beyond.

“To be clear, we’re talking about internally driven changes in sexual orientation,” Stewart says. “This research does not suggest these changes can be imposed on an individual and does not support the idea of conversion therapy. There’s ample evidence that conversion therapy is harmful and does not influence anyone’s sexual orientation.”

The researchers are already considering future directions for the work.

“The data in this study comes from kids growing up in the rural South,” Stewart says. “It would be interesting to see if these numbers vary across different sociopolitical environments. Additionally, we weren’t able to identify how these patterns looked among trans and other gender minority adolescents. That would be an important direction for future work.”

Complete Article HERE!

Event aims to increase ‘cliteracy,’ open conversation about female sexuality

Female sexuality activist and psychology professor Laurie Mintz (left) and “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” actress Rachel Bloom (right) answered questions from the audience about the importance of the pleasure of sex for women at a campus event.

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Sexual pleasure and accurate sexual information are essential for healthy relationships, a psychology professor said at a campus event Thursday.

The Campus Events Commission hosted “Becoming Cliterate: An Evening of Conversation between Rachel Bloom and Dr. Laurie Mintz” on Thursday evening. The event featured a conversation between Bloom, the actress and writer known for “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend,” and Mintz.

Mintz is the writer of “Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters – And How to Get It” and a psychology professor at the University of Florida. With her work, she aims to sexually empower women, she said.

The event took on a Q&A format, in which Bloom and Mintz took questions from the audience about women’s anatomy and cultural attitudes toward female sexual pleasure.

Both Bloom and Mintz said sexual pleasure was fundamental for personal fulfillment.

The clitoris is vital for women’s sexual pleasure, Mintz said. Nearly all forms of women’s sexual pleasure, even if not from direct genital stimulation, are connected to the clitoris in some way, Mintz said.

The clitoris has thousands of nerve endings, and serves only as a source of pleasure. The vast majority of women require some form of clitoral stimulation to orgasm, Mintz said.

However, like many men, many discussions of women’s sexuality neglect the clitoris, suggesting instead that women should be able to orgasm without it being stimulated, Mintz said.

This widespread misinformation damages the self-esteem of both men and women, Mintz said. When a woman cannot orgasm from penetration alone, both partners might believe there is something wrong with them, Mintz said.

“Men (may) feel emasculated and not as worthy when they don’t make a woman orgasm – they want to, but they’ve been misguided and don’t know how,” she said. “The problem is the culture – it’s not women, it’s not men.”

Pornography may also be to blame for this spread of misinformation by portraying sex in which a woman instantly reaches orgasm through penetration, she added.

Many people refer to women’s genitals as a whole by “vagina,” which is anatomically incorrect, Mintz said. By calling all of women’s genitals the name of the part that gives men the most pleasure, society devalues women’s sexuality, Mintz said.

“We are linguistically erasing the part of ourselves that gives us the most pleasure,” she said.

Bloom added that although “clitoris” is an anatomically correct word, it is often seen as taboo.

Bloom recalled an experience she had when she was producing and starring in “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.” In one episode of the show, they wanted to include a line in which a character stated women’s sexual pleasure comes from clitoral stimulation. However, the Federal Communications Commission, which regulates television and other broadcasts, objected to the line.

They were only able to include a reference to the clitoris when a character spoke about it as part of the content of a science textbook, Bloom said.

“We had to make (the context) super scientific,” she said. “We didn’t have to do that for ‘penis’ or ‘vagina,’ just with a word that pertains only to pleasure.”

The FCC’s regulations were an example of the stigma against discussing women’s sexual pleasure, Bloom added.

In order to combat misinformation and negative attitudes toward women’s sexual pleasure, Mintz advised women to be assertive in bed with their partners. Women can practice this by being assertive in other aspects of their lives, she said.

Sergio Corona, a fourth-year geography student, said he liked how Mintz and Bloom acknowledged the misconception that all women can orgasm from penetration, as well as the shame women and men may feel.

“I’ve had girl peers that said they have had that shame (of not being able to orgasm from penetration) – it’s a hard misconception to break,” Corona said. “(Mintz and Bloom) smashed that misconception and said it’s about having an equal conversation as equal peers.”

Valerie Juntunen, a fourth-year psychology student, said she liked the nonjudgemental manner in which Mintz and Bloom discussed sex.

“I loved how it was framed in a sex-positive manner … and promoted healthy relationships,” she said.

Remy Small, a second-year theater student, said she thinks Bloom’s and Mintz’s frank discussion of sex made it easier for people to talk openly about women’s sexuality.

“Even in a liberal place like California, people are afraid to talk about it because of its connotations,” Small said. “I think (Mintz and Bloom) created a safe space for everyone – everyone was encouraged to ask questions.”

Complete Article HERE!

Sex Education Rally Reminds Teens “You Are Not Chewed Gum”

“There is no shame in having all the information possible.”

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“You are not chewed gum,” read an art display featuring wads of gum, located in the shadow of the U.S. Capitol in Washington, D.C., unveiled on October 30 by advocates for science-based comprehensive sexual education. The display, organized by Advocates for Youth and Trojan, sought to push back on abstinence-only messaging that says sexually active youth are comparable to a chewed piece of gum for future partners.

The unveiling comes at a particularly crucial political moment for sexual and reproductive health. Earlier this summer news broke that the Trump administration had awarded $1.5 million in Teen Pregnancy Prevention Program funds to anti-choice organizations such as Obria and Bethany Christian Services. Additionally, some high-profile abstinence-only sex education activists have taken up prominent posts within the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, rebranding what has been commonly known as abstinence-only sex ed to the more vague “sexual risk avoidance.”

But according to advocates, no matter what these programs are called, they still paint normal human sexuality as inherently shameful. “We see [that] this one was a very common factor in a lot of schools: the idea that anybody who is sexually active, their worth is lessening and lessening every single time they engage in activity, which isn’t true whatsoever,” says Bukky, a 19-year-old student at Howard University and a member of Advocate for Youth’s International Youth Leadership Council in an interview with Teen Vogue.

According to the Guttmacher Institute, 10 states and Washington, D.C., require that only abstinence-only sex ed be taught in public high schools, while 29 other states require that abstinence-only be stressed within sex ed curricula. Just 17 states require medically accurate sex ed be taught in public schools. According to a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report, released in October, STI transmission rates for syphilis, gonorrhea, and chlamydia have hit an all-time high in the U.S.

Sexual health advocates say now is the time for action. “I have seen many times over the impact of shame-based abstinence only education,” says Logan Levkoff, a sexual health educator involved in the protest. “I think it has implications; tremendous implications for physical health, and certainly has implications for emotional health, and none of them are good implications. So to be a part of a program that is really saying abstinence only sexuality education and [sexual risk avoidance], as they’ve been rebranded, are setting our young people up to fail.”

The message of the day brought back memories for Bukky’s colleague on the International Youth Council, Ayanna, a 19-year-old student at George Washington University. “This really resonated with me because my sex education in North Carolina was just shaming, just all around,” she tells Teen Vogue. “We never talked about sex. So just the fact that sex is something that is pleasurable and, like, fun, and not something that, you know, necessarily has to be like a marriage for procreation. That’s a very heteronormative, cis perspective on it. We didn’t talk about… what sex can look like in different types of relationships with different genders. And we didn’t talk about anything related to gender expression. It’s just ‘don’t ask, don’t tell.’”

Former Disney Channel star Joshua Rush was also on hand to detail for Teen Vogue his own experience with sex ed in his home state of Texas, which requires abstinence-only sex ed be emphasized, and later in California, which requires medically accurate comprehensive sex ed. “I grew up [in Texas], and I know there’s different personal convictions in the way that people feel, and a lot of that comes from religion,” he says. “But the fact of the matter is that this isn’t a conversation about religion. This isn’t a conversation about culture. We’re not telling kids, ‘Hey, go out, have sex.’ We’re telling kids, ‘Hey, go out, and have the information that you need. If you choose to make that decision.’ There is no shame in having all the information possible. There is a problem when people don’t have the right information.”

Ayanna frames the issues surrounding sex ed as a “concoction of terrible decision-making” centering [on] adult hang-ups with sex. According to her, sex ed needs to match up with the reality adolescents are facing today.

“We know that high schoolers and even some middle schoolers are out here making pretty adult decisions because of the circumstances that they’re in,” says Ayanna. “So instead of trying to shelter them and coddle them and to give them, like, this sweet sugarcoated birds and the bees, we have to be real and honest because we know what young people are doing. So why not? And they’re gonna do it anyway. So why not make them prepared and safe so that they can live full lives and not be shamed to be who they are and engage in practices that they want to with consent with other people?”

Complete Article HERE!

I Went to Sex School, and So Should You

I thought I knew it all, but I quickly realized we learn little about our own pleasure

by Kaitlin Fontana, Chatelaine

“You go up and down, and stuff comes out,” Luna Matatas says to the camera while stroking a dildo that looks like a very realistic penis. Matatas is a Toronto-based sex and pleasure educator, and she’s talking about how most people think about hand jobs. She will spend the next hour disabusing me of that notion. Or rather, deepening it: Hand jobs are not just about going up and down, and stuff coming out. They’re not just about foreplay, or at least they don’t have to be. And they’re not just about making someone with a penis have an orgasm, though they can be. They’re also—maybe especially—about the person giving the hand job. Seriously.

I’m watching Matatas’ “10 Tips for Hotter Handjobs” tutorial, which lives on the pleasure-education website O.school, and it’s much more than the video version of a Cosmo headline. It’s part instruction, part commiseration, part therapy. I will laugh. I will be humbled. I will find my erotic centre in the act of a hand job.

O.school is an online, sex-positive sex-ed platform that includes more than 300 videos (and dozens of articles) and could best be described as a thorough post-secondary education in the arts and acts of pleasure, including biology, psychology and philosophy. O.school was founded in 2017 by Andrea Barrica, a queer woman who had spent seven years working in San Francisco’s start-up scene and who raised more than US$1 million from investors to launch the site. It has since amassed a significant video library on topics as varied as choosing a dildo, dating after divorce, healing from sexual trauma and putting stuff in your butt (among many other subjects). All tutorials are taught by experienced instructors (a.k.a. “pleasure professionals”) who have been vetted by Barrica and her team, including medical professionals, sex educators and counsellors. Did I mention the site’s offerings are free?

There is a sizable gap between the sparse sex ed of youth and the experiential sex-ed of adulthood, and gaps always threaten to turn into vacuums if unfilled. The sex ed most of us get is about the drawbacks of sex—scary all-caps phrases: UNWANTED PREGNANCY! DISEASE! DEATH! A BAD REPUTATION! But what if we had also been taught about sex’s vast landscape of pleasures?

How much time would we have saved ourselves? How much would we have gained? What would our sexual selves be like now if we had spent as much time learning that the clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings as we did learning about chlamydia?

Quite simply: O.school is online sex school, with a focus on the pleasure you derive from sex as opposed to its potential dangers. And it’s unlike anything else that currently exists in the realm of adult sexual education.

In the 1999 Alexander Payne film Election, high school senior Tracy Flick, played by Reese Witherspoon, is an overachieving, pushy candidate for student council president with a profusion of extracurriculars.

In 1999, I was 16. I was student council president. And president of the drama club. I had a key to the school, as Tracy does. But there was an important distinction. In Election, Tracy is f-cking her math teacher (and, she thinks, is in love with him). I wasn’t f-cking anyone…yet. Except myself, and barely. In the dark living room, under a blanket, to Scully and/or Mulder, on Sundays between 9 and 10 p.m. Mountain Standard Time, only.

Twenty years later and I’m still Tracy Flick-ish, but in another way: I am the Tracy Flick of Sex (Tracy F-ck? Sorry). I’m sexually smart, capable, capacious; I make plans and schedules. I get up early to do it. I stay up late. I pack a sensible bag. I do it with many, many people (see my series on non-monogamy). I am extracurricularly dedicated to the pursuit of carnal knowledge (by day, I am a writer and director of TV and lm). I am borderline arrogant about my level of dedication. I am proudly slutty, I know it, and so will you.

So when I stumbled across O.school while on an Internet deep dive about squirting (as one does), I thought it was a cool idea that I didn’t need. What could the Tracy Flick of Sex have to learn from an online sex school? As it turns out, more than I might have thought—and it made me realize that most adult women could benefit from some sexual re-education.

I grew up in the public school system of the 1990s. Sex ed amounted to a few hours, divided by binary gender, in a beige classroom. Mine was taught by a well-meaning but deeply desexualized public health nurse who coughed with Freudian realization when one of the projector slides said “Pubic Health Nurse” under her name.

Because of videos shown in my grade 7 classroom, I knew how my period worked with clinical accuracy; I didn’t know the joys of period sex until I started having it.

Enter O. school.

“If you go to Reddit [for sex ed], it can be abusive. On YouTube, there’s millions of videos but they’re not curated,” says Barrica, who grew up in a Filipino Catholic home and is a victim not just anemic sex ed but abstinence-based obliteration. “I got the fear-based, shame-based stuff,” she says. “You’re this perfect white flower. And when you have sex, you mash the flower, and you’re never going to be the same.” Barrica started O.school to close the gap that she herself faced.

What Barrica and her team have done is not revelatory on its face: Other sex- and pleasure-ed sites exist, though most favour articles over video content. OMGyes, another California-based start-up, which launched with a lot of fanfare in 2015, is the only close analogue to O.school in terms of extensive video content. It uses anecdotal, direct-to-camera interviews with women about their own first-hand experiences of pleasure as a form of education-by-conversation. This can be informative, certainly, but it also means you’re only hearing from one woman—who is not a pleasure educator—about why she specifically likes what she likes.

OMGyes also features some explicit content in the form of demonstrations, which show real women’s anatomy in close-up; it also offers a touch-screen stimulator so you can test out the methods of pleasure you hear women describing on an onscreen vulva. However, OMGyes costs $59 per season of content, and it’s surprisingly heteronormative and relationship-centric for 2019—we’re largely talking about straight, cis, committed sex here.

O.school is different. To start, it’s “exclusively inclusive,” says Robin Milhausen, a Canadian sexologist who has no affiliation with the site. “It’s totally inclusive related to sexual and gender identities. And it’s trauma-informed, taking into account people’s experiences.” This means that O.school has taken pains to exclude nudity and to present information in a way that doesn’t assume everyone is approaching pleasure ed from a place of complete acceptance (for example, if someone has been raped and is trying to rediscover their body, certain depictions of frank sex, or nudity, can be triggering).

O.school is also made for everyone to learn about their own pleasure on their own terms, from a basis of science, no matter their relationship type, body or gender. Or, importantly, age. “A lot of the YouTube sex educators are younger,” says Milhausen. At O.school, on the other hand, many instructors appear to be in at least their 30s, which may be more appealing to women in that demographic and beyond.

Milhausen, who considers sex a matter of academic importance even more than I do, is truly impressed by the site. “There’s never been a better time to be a sexual being, because there’s never been more information available, for free, and it’s so accessible. There’s a community for everyone,” she says, “so sometimes the amount of information can be overwhelming, which is why a website like O.school—which has really strong, vetted information—is helpful.”

As a brand, O.school wants to be the first place you think to look when you wonder about pleasure, because you trust its teachers to steer you right, just as you know to search, say, IMDb for factual information about films (such as what year Election came out). Barrica’s eventual goal is to provide pleasure education to a billion people; it’s a lofty aim, and she won’t divulge the number of current O.school users to put that in perspective. Right now, however, she just wants to make space for quality, zero-judgment pleasure-not-just-sex ed.

Indeed, while watching O.school videos like “Buttstravaganza,” I felt gratitude that the fledgling Flicks of today could take ownership and power over their own bodies. For me, it was a lot of teenage, pre-Internet fumbling toward ecstasy (the first time I came on my own fingers, my horror was Carrie-bleeding-in-the-shower level intense). I didn’t really learn about my own body and sexuality until I started meeting cool, queer, sex-positive pals in university for whom sexuality was more than just f-cking—it was political, radical, about bodily autonomy. It’s no coincidence that that’s what O.school’s instructors come across as: Trusted friends, who know not just their own bodies but many other people’s bodies as well. They embrace the empowerment that comes from sharing knowledge within and outside of their communities.

Most importantly, it’s funny and fun, like a great conversation with a very smart friend. I often fancy myself that smart friend. But I needed to be sure. Hence, “10 Tips for Hotter Handjobs,” my gateway video.

I watched as Matatas lifted the dildo up and coated it in silicone-based lube (best for prolonged contact, as it isn’t absorbed as quickly as water-based). She gripped the shaft with her left hand and, with a smile, held the fingers of her right hand on the tip of the dildo and drew them downward. Her fingers looked like the legs of a jellyfish stretching down to push off—if a jellyfish was hanging out on a giant sea penis. In other words, this technique looked ridiculous. But, she said, the jellyfish was an amazing sensation for the ultra-sensitive penis head.

My Flickian brain couldn’t deal. “That move?” I balked. I was dubious. So, like any good student, I eld-tested it.

“I am doing this for research,” I told my lab partner, who I will call V. “Of course,” he said. I gripped his lubed-up shaft with my left hand and drew my right fingers downward, looking V in the eyes (another top-10 tip, by the way). His eyes rolled back slightly, and he made a sound that told me I was on to something.

Finding: The jellyfish move is legit. I stopped to record said finding in my notebook. (JK, I saw the experiment through to its conclusion. I’m dedicated.)

“I think silliness is sexy,” says Matatas, who has more than a decade of pleasure-ed experience, in Canada and elsewhere. She started as a public health educator, branching out into pleasure ed when she saw that none of the sexual health education she was giving addressed it, even though everyone she met and talked to was seeking it. She came up with the jellyfish on the fly while being playful with a partner. “We should practise curiosity, communication and creativity” when it comes to sex, Matatas asserts. Aside from being a pathway to discovery, employing these qualities is also how we get over performance anxiety.

In contrast with the seriousness of traditional sex ed, pleasure ed acknowledges that sex can exist beyond reproduction for the pursuit of fun and connection with yourself and others. Its teachers reflect that: They’re happy, self-actualized people who have chosen their profession because they love feeling good. They know, and teach, that playfulness, being present and allowing for mistakes makes sex better. “It adds to the vulnerability,” Matatas says.

And while learning from seasoned pros like Matatas—who also leads in-person workshops on topics like “Group Sex 101” and “Banishing Bedroom Boredom” in Toronto—can feel intimidating, that’s where the one-on-one factor of the Internet comes in. “It provides safety and the ability to suss something out in private, away from our sex-negative culture,” she says. Milhausen echoes that sentiment, although she also recommends books. (“Middle-aged people grew up getting information from books,” she says, “so it’s often more comfortable than trying to wade through the Internet.”) And learning tricks from sexually fluent, diverse humans—according to Barrica, half of O.school’s instructors are people of colour, more than 70 percent are queer and more than 15 percent are trans or non-gender-conforming—doesn’t mean you have to be one yourself, or even a non-monogamous Tracy F-ck.

If you’re intimidated by the cool/queer aspect, consider this: Would you trust a carpenter who only owns Ikea furniture, or an agoraphobic travel agent? Likely not. So why would you want pleasure education from someone with a less dynamic prism of sexual understanding and ability? “Women may feel more comfortable learning from somebody who looks like themselves,” says Milhausen, “but I want all of us to step outside that and learn about our sexuality from people who have amazing knowledge and experience.”

And while the demographic that flocks to O.school tends to be younger (20s to early 30s), some of the most engaged and vocal users are, anecdotally, women in their 30s to 50s. That’s no surprise to Milhausen. “Mid-life is a time when we start to reflect on all different parts of our life,” she says. “How do we feel about the job we’re in, how do we feel about the relationship we’re in, how do we feel about our bodies and our health? It’s a common time to look inward and think about your sexuality.” Matatas also sees a lot of thirty- to fifty-something women in her in-person classes, in part because they’re in a “few f-cks left to give” phase of their lives, as she puts it. Along this line, Barrica tells me that one of O.school’s users, a woman in her 70s, had her best orgasm ever after watching one of their videos.

After watching several O.school videos myself, I realize the site’s most important lessons are more philosophical than technical. What choice most empowers you sexually? What makes you happiest? How do you have that conversation with yourself? For this Tracy Flick, these were the true aha moments (aside from the jellyfish thing). Good sex is not about skill, but about discovery; not what you know, but how much you can play, experiment and enjoy yourself while seeking knowledge. Watching O.school’s videos will teach you new techniques, but like any good class, they will do something better than that: They’ll teach you how to think differently. To see yourself not just as a body but also as a brain and heart, in pleasure-seeking terms.

And furthermore, they’ll remind you that the best students are the ones who never stop learning. I am no longer a 16-year-old control freak furtively masturbating to David Duchovny’s smirk in the dark, and the sexual self I am now will continue to evolve.

Cut to: The slut formerly known as the Tracy Flick of Sex. She watches “F-ck Lube Shame: Why You Need It.” She takes notes on water- vs. silicone-based, liquid vs. gel vs. cream. She nods vigorously when instructor Jess Melendez—a frank and friendly sex-toy expert with a winning smile and an admirable eyebrow game—asserts that lube shame stems from patriarchal notions of what our bodies are supposed to do when sexually excited. “I’m here to tell you that there is nothing wrong with your body. If you wanna use lubricant, that is super rad, okay?”

Then our Former Flick learns, for the first time, that “buttholes are super thirsty,” and so a liquid lube is not best for anal. She nods studiously. She goes to her local sex shop and buys new gel lube, for she has more experimenting to do, more learning.

And when learning involves dildos, then school ain’t bad at all.

Complete Article HERE!

An essential safe sex guide for lesbian, bisexual and queer women

Everything you need to know about vulva-to-vulva sex.

By

If you’re a lesbian, bisexual, pansexual or queer woman, or someone who has a vagina and sleeps with vagina-having people, it’s likely you haven’t had the sexual health education you need. School sex ed is so heteronormative that many of us never heard so much of a mention of vulva-to-vulva sex. It’s no wonder many queer folk don’t realise STIs can be transmitted through fingering, oral sex and sharing sex toys.

This gap in our knowledge is nothing to be ashamed of. Safe sex for LGBTQ+ women, non-binary, trans and intersex people is just rarely (if ever) efficiently covered in school.

So here’s your essential safe sex guide, courtesy of Linnéa Haviland from sexual health service SH:24.

Stigma exists and it might affect you

A recent study found LGBTQ+ women face barriers when accessing sexual health care, the main reason being ignorance and prejudice among health care staff. I have certainly been questioned a few times about why I’m going for a smear test, simply because I’ve said I have a girlfriend. With information about safe sex being extremely penis-centred, it can be really hard to know the facts and stand your ground in the face of individual and institutionalised queerphobia.

Know how STIs are actually spread…

Contrary to popular belief, there doesn’t have to be a penis involved for STIs to spread. STIs can be passed on through genital skin-on-skin contact, through bodily fluids on hands and fingers, oral sex and sharing sex toys. STIs “like the specific environment of the genitals, so can spread from one vulva to another when they are in close contact or if fluids come in contact via sex toys or fingers,” says SH:24 sexual health nurse Charlotte.

Chlamydia, syphilis, gonorrhoea, HPV, genital warts and genital herpes can all be spread this way. These STIs can also spread via oral sex. Throat swabs for STIs aren’t routinely offered to women, but if you are worried you can request one. STIs won’t survive outside their cosy environments for long though, so you can’t get them from sharing towel, toilet seats, or by using a sex toy someone else used a week ago.

…and know how to protect yourself

You’ve probably heard of a dental dam for oral sex, but if you’re anything like me before I started working for a sexual health service, you’ve probably never actually seen one. Originally used for dentistry, they are quite expensive and hard to get hold of, so unless your local sexual health clinic has them I would recommend a DIY version: the cut up condom!

Unroll the condom, cut the tip off, then cut it lengthwise to unroll it into a rectangle. Use the lubricated side against the vulva, or if flavoured, the flavoured side against your mouth (note: flavours can irritate the vulva!) When sharing sex toys, use a condom on the sex toy, and change this every time you switch user.

For fingering and fisting, you can use latex gloves for extra protection (add some lube though – they’re dry!) If you’re rubbing genitals or scissoring, you can try to keep a dental dam in between, but it can be really hard to keep it in place… the best way to stay protected is to test regularly for STIs (we recommend yearly or when changing partners – whichever comes first!)

Go for your smear test

There is a prevalent heteronormative notion that you don’t need to get a smear test unless you’ve had/are having S.E.X (meaning penetrative sex with a penis.) This isn’t true! HPV, the virus which can cause cervical cancer, can be transmitted via oral sex, sharing sex toys and genital contact. HPV is very common, and most people will have it at some point in their life, but clear it without symptoms. Because it’s so common it’s important to always go for your smear test!

Know about HIV

HIV is is slightly different from other STIs, because it has to get into your bloodstream. “There is a high quantity of white blood cells both in the rectum and on the cervix, so if the virus gets there, it is very close to where it needs to be. Tearing adds another way for the virus to come in contact with your blood stream during sex,” says Charlotte. HIV can only survive outside the body for a few seconds, so transmission via non-penetrative sex or sharing sex toys is thought to be extremely low.

However the actually transmission rates of HIV during sex between two vagina-having people is unknown, since this has not been recorded or studied on any larger scale. There has been one documented case of HIV transmission between two women – but more cases might be masked by assumptions that the virus was contracted in a different way (such as heterosexual/penis-vagina sex or needle sharing). There is a lot of stigma attached to HIV, so it’s important to remember that if you have HIV and are on the right medication, you can keep the viral load undetectable, which means you can’t pass it on!

Learn the risk factors

When making a decision about whether to have protected or unprotected sex with someone, it’s a good idea to be informed about the risk factors involved in different types of sex. British Association for Sexual Health and HIV (BAASH) guidelines says non-penetrative contact carries the lowest risk, but no sexual contact is without risk.

For penetrative sex (like fingering, using sex toys and fisting) the risk of transmission is related to the degree of trauma – i.e if there is friction or aberration (tiny cuts). Risk is also related to if you or your partner(s) are likely to have an STI – so be in the know and test, test, test! There is an assumption in the medical field that vulva-to-vulva sex carries hardly any risk of STI transmission, but different reports suggest this generalisation may not be correct.

Complete Article HERE!