My Cervical Cancer Diagnosis Changed the Way I Think About Sex

— I’ll never approach sexual risk the same way again

By Andrea Karr

I’ve long been a fan of condom use and STI testing. I’m the woman who carries a rubber in her wallet *just in case* and heads to the lab a couple times a year to have my blood and urine screened for gonorrhea, syphilis and other sexually transmitted infections.

Occasionally, I’ve foregone the condom. I’d like a guy and we’d sleep together a few times. One night, he’d suggest that it would feel way better if we skipped protection. He’d keep the conversation light but would make it clear that we’d both have more fun if I’d loosen up. I wouldn’t want to come off as a killjoy or prude, so sometimes I’d give in. Each time it happened and I received a clear STI test afterward, I’d sigh with relief and go on with my life.

But then I was diagnosed with cervical cancer after a routine Pap test when I was 35. The fastest increasing cancer in females in Canada and third most common cancer in Canadian women ages 25 to 44, cervical cancer is almost always caused by human papillomavirus (HPV), an STI with more than 200 strains that can also cause vaginal, vulvar, penile, anal and oropharyngeal (a.k.a. throat, tonsils, soft palate and back of the tongue) cancer. HPV often has no symptoms, and cervical cancer can take one or two decades to develop after infection. Though condoms don’t guarantee protection, they reduce the risk of transmission.

Cervical cancer is no joke for a woman’s wellbeing and fertility. I was very lucky that my cancer was caught at the earliest stage: 1a1. I required two small surgical procedures (called LEEPs) to remove the cancerous cells, and now I get checkups every three months. If it was caught later, I might have needed a hysterectomy, radiation and/or chemotherapy, which could have harmed my eggs or put me into early menopause.

The phrase “it’s cancer” is something we hope to never hear in our lifetime. Those little words changed my life. As a result, I spent a lot of time looking back on my sexual relationships. I regretted ever having sex at all at first. Sex is what gave me cancer! But then I realized that just being alive carries risk, and I don’t want to avoid intimate relationships, which can be so crucial to physical, emotional and mental wellbeing, just because I could get hurt.

Instead of abstaining from sex, I decided I wanted to get educated about my risk, then develop clear boundaries that I can confidently communicate to a partner. I also want to break down the guilt or shame I feel about being a “killjoy” or “prude.” I have a great justification: a history of gynecological cancer. But no one should need a life-altering event to justify having sexual boundaries.

Still, it’s not easy. “As a woman, you’ve been told your whole life that if you stand up for yourself, if you don’t go with the flow, you are difficult, and that it’s not feminine to be difficult,” says Frederique Chabot, sexual health educator and acting executive director at national organization Action Canada for Sexual Health and Rights. She’s referring to the way most girls and women are socialized growing up. “In romantic or sexual scenarios, there are many things that can put you at risk of retaliation, of reputational damage, of harassment. There is the pressure put on women to say ‘yes,’ people asking, asking, asking, asking. That’s not consent. That is getting pressured into doing something you’re not willing to do.”

A woman's legs and a man's legs intertwined in bed

I’m now comfortable with having a detailed chat about sexual history, STI testing, HPV vaccination and condom use before I get into bed with someone. Of course, it’s not only on me. Men are at risk for HPV and other STIs too.

So far, I’ve had this conversation with two guys. One responded badly; now he has no place in my life. The second agreed to have a fresh STI test before we had sex. He also looked into the HPV vaccine, which he ended up getting, and he is okay with consistent condom use. We’ve been dating for almost a year.

I know that every woman in the world won’t share the same boundaries as me. That’s okay. But there are potential risks to sexual contact, even though our hook-up culture likes to pretend otherwise. It’s about deciding how much risk you can live with and then feeling empowered to communicate that. I won’t let my desire for acceptance compromise my sexual health going forward. I hope, after hearing my story, no one else will either.

“Instead of abstaining from sex, I decided I wanted to get educated about my risk, then develop clear boundaries that I can confidently communicate to a partner.”

Ways to be proactive

HPV vaccination

In Canada, Gardasil 9 is the go-to HPV vaccine and it protects against nine high-risk strains of HPV that cause cancer and genital warts. Health Canada currently recommends it for everyone aged 9 to 26, and it’s offered for free in schools sometime between grades 4 and 7, depending on the province or territory. Though it’s most effective when administered before becoming sexually active, it can still have benefits later in life. I wasn’t vaccinated at the time I was diagnosed with cervical cancer, and all my healthcare practitioners told me to get vaccinated immediately. The Canadian Cancer Society recommends the HPV vaccine for all girls and women ages 9 to 45Regular Pap tests

In Canada, most provinces and territories rely on Pap tests to check for cellular changes that, if left untreated, may lead to cervical cancer. Generally, the recommendation is to go to your doctor or a free sexual health clinic every three years (if everything looks normal) starting at age 21 or 25. I had no symptoms for cervical cancer; it was caught early thanks to a routine Pap test. You still need to go for regular Pap tests even if you’ve been vaccinated, you’ve only had sex one time or you’re postmenopausal.

HPV testing

Free STI tests that you can get through your family doctor or a sexual health clinic do not check for HPV. They usually test for chlamydia and gonorrhea (and maybe also syphilis, HIV and hepatitis C). If a sexual partner tells you they’ve had a clear STI panel, they’re probably not talking about HPV since it’s a test that comes with a fee.

P.E.I. and B.C. are transitioning from Pap testing every three years to HPV testing every five years. HPV testing is more accurate than Pap testing. It can detect certain strains of high-risk HPV with about 95 per cent accuracy, while Pap tests are only about 55 per cent accurate at detecting cellular changes on the cervix, which is why they need to be done more frequently.

The shift to provincially covered HPV screening in other provinces is slow. Ontario, for example, may be years away from the transition.

DIY testing

Canadian company Switch Health has launched a self-collection HPV test that can be ordered online for $99. You do your own internal swab, mail your results to the lab and get your results from an online portal—it can take as little as a week. It screens for 14 high-risk strains of HPV, including types 16 and 18, which cause 70 per cent of cervical cancers and precancerous cervical lesions. If you test positive for one of the strains, you should see your family doctor, and if you don’t have one, Switch “will work to set you up with one of our partners for a virtual or in-person appointment,” says co-founder Mary Langley.

The cost may be a barrier, plus privately purchased DIY tests aren’t supported by the infrastructure that there is for Pap testing. “There are quality control checks in place. There’s evidence review on a regular basis. Many people will receive letters from [their provincial health agency] telling them they’re due for their Pap,” says Dr. Aisha Lofters, a scientist and family physician at Women’s College Hospital in Toronto. But if you aren’t getting regular Paps because you don’t have easy access to a doctor or you’re uncomfortable going in for the test, it’s a lot better than nothing.

Complete Article HERE!

How to be a sex positive parent?

— It is important to instill sex positivity in your kids. If you have been wondering how to be a sex-positive parent, here are some expert-approved ways that can help.

By Arushi Bidhuri

Sex is a natural part of our lives and it only makes sense to talk about sexuality in all its fairness. Yes, conversations about sex are still hushed and laden with stigma, but embracing a sex-positive approach as a parent becomes an important tool to shape the future of your child. With so many sexuality terms being thrown around, it is more important than ever to be a sex-positive parent and to teach kids how to be sex-positive.

For the unversed, sex positivity is a way of being that gives importance to pleasure and freedom, instead of shame and judgment. If you are confused about sex positivity and how you can instill it in your kid’s life, read on.

What is sex positivity for children?

In the most simple terms, sex positivity is believing that sex is a positive thing in a person’s life. Psychiatrist Dr Sanjay Kumavat explains, “Sex positivity is the way children are brought up with age-appropriate and adequate knowledge about their orientation, and the concept of sex. This comprises knowledge sharing with respect to sex organs, the importance of healthy relationships, all aimed at letting them know about sexuality positively.”

What makes a parent sex-positive?

There is never a right time to have the “talk” with your kid. However, it is still important to know that you must not avoid talking about sexuality with your children. It is important for their overall development. For a parent to be sex-positive, they need to be comfortable and have a clear understanding of what sexuality means.

“Sex-positive parents are not embarrassed to talk about sexuality openly and adequately. Adequate is the word I emphasise, because it should not be too much or less, and they should not be embarrassed about communicating about these issues. They should start talking as soon as the child starts developing secondary sexual characters, and when they see that the child is showing some interest in sexuality, like showing interest in cross-gender relationships and friendships,” says Dr Kumavat.

How to be a sex-positive parent?

If you have been wondering how to be a sex-positive parent without going overboard, here’s what you can do.

1. Have open communication

The first thing is to be open to your children by communicating your ideas and thoughts clearly. Be very open and always watch for the signs that your child is showing some interest in sexuality.

2. Do not judge

Parents should not suppress children. If they ask you queries, be open to clear their doubts. Even if parents find the queries stupid or which will require too much information sharing, the doubts shouldn’t be suppressed. Keep communicating with children and give them adequate information by resolving their queries and avoiding snapping at them, advises the expert.

3. Teach them about consent and safe sex

Make them aware of being guarded about sexuality, and the precautions to be taken. Talk to them particularly about sexuality under the influence of drugs and alcohol, or sexuality crossing the limits, which is not age-appropriate. Talk about appropriate touch, and how it should be an act of respect and compassion.

Also Read: 5 things to know about condoms to avoid unwanted pregnancy

4. Be vigilant

With so much information available, it can be confusing for kids to know what information they should consume or avoid. One of the biggest influences on kids these days is social media. Make sure that you know the kind of information your child is consuming through these platforms. Give them some guidance about what the problems are with believing things on this website, and the misinformation that is shared, recommends Dr Kumavat.

5. Limit internet access, but do not judge

It is important to help your child understand the ways to separate right from wrong. You have to make sure your kids are not hooked or addicted to certain kinds of inappropriate sites. Such kind of openness and guardedness also should be there as necessary. Don’t give too much access to the Internet – it has to be monitored and a judicious approach must be taken when giving internet access, says the psychiatrist.

Takeaway

Being sex-positive means that you think of sex as a positive thing and do not associate it with shame and guilt. It is vital to instill these values in your child to make sure they do not judge the world too harshly or feel judged for the choices they make. Your child should feel comfortable talking about sexual matters, feelings they get, ideas or thoughts that cross their mind, or how someone’s touch makes them feel. They should be able to define sexuality in a positive sense – one that allows them to be free and not caged. And there is not a better feeling for a parent to help their child understand who they are and be true to themselves.

Complete Article HERE!

How to Have Less Awkward Shower Sex

— These are the best positions (and toys) to try for less awkward sex in the shower.

By Brianne Hogan

The fantasy of shower sex (hot and steamy) typically doesn’t live up to its reality (damp and slippery, and maybe even a little dangerous). Like sex on the beach, shower sex sounds sexy in theory but is more often than not an uncomfortable and awkward experience.

“A lot of people see shower sex in the movies and think it looks great, but when they try it, they feel a bit let down,” erotic film director Erika Lust of ERIKALUST says. “From personal experience and through directing sex scenes in my films, there are a couple of reasons as to why it may get a bad reputation. One, the setting isn’t right. The shower may not have any handles or anywhere to lean or grab, making it a bit awkward and restricting positions. Two, It’s too built up. It’s better to not have any expectations and go with the flow. Don’t get caught up on what it should look or be like. And three, foreplay is skipped. People can get too excited with all that’s going on around them that they skimp on foreplay. Foreplay is a really important step to build intimacy and excitement, and shouldn’t be skipped.”
But still, all this yearning for toe-curling shower sex can’t be all for nothing.

“Taking a shower together is a really intimate and sometimes vulnerable moment,” Lust says. “Especially washing each other. And intimacy is hot. It’s also, for many, something new and exciting—there is something about the water, the skin-on-skin contact and the closeness that just makes shower sex so hot.”

Maybe it won’t be as seamless as movies make it out to be, but according to experts, shower sex can still be an orgasmic experience for some with the right preparation and positions.

How to have safe shower sex

Before you rub soap all over your partner’s body as foreplay, intimacy expert Kiana Reeves says the biggest key in making any sexual experience enjoyable is communication and comfort with your partner(s). “You want to make sure you and your partner feel comfortable with a shower sex session, and it can even help to discuss beforehand any positions that would make you uncomfortable, along with any potential safety considerations,” she says.

Also, if you’re in need of birth control, Zach Zane, sex and relationships expert at Fun Factory, says IUDs and daily birth control medications are effective for birth control in the shower, and while condoms can indeed be effective too, “they are more likely to tear or break if you are not using silicone-based lube, so we highly recommend using silicone lube for shower sex.”

Speaking of lube, Zane says what most people are doing wrong in the shower is not using any lube or using the wrong kind of lube. “Water is actually not a lubricant,” he says. “Think about it; when you use water-based lube, it’s not just a bottle of water. There are other ingredients in there that make it more viscous and last longer. When having shower sex, you really need to use lube, and you should consider using silicone-based lube (or oil-based) lube because the shower water won’t wash those types of lubes off easily. Shower water will quickly wash away water-based lube.” However, he notes that “oil-based lubes are not compatible with condoms.”

Best positions for sex in the shower

Because you’re working in a tight space with less surface area to balance on, finding a good position can be awkward for most of us. “I’ve found it’s helpful to go into the experience with an exploratory mindset, so it gives you the freedom to try out different positions and explore what works and what doesn’t,” Reeves says. “It’s totally normal for it to take a few positions or pleasure seshes to find one that feels ‘right,’ so going in with that mindset can help alleviate any awkwardness or self-consciousness you might feel. But it’s still normal for things to need some practice to work themselves out!”

No matter how you’re positioning yourselves, Lust recommends using a non-slip mat, and to make use of shelves or handles to grab onto for extra stability. Also, “Use the shower head,” she says. “Most of us are no stranger to using a shower head for pleasure; in fact it was probably a lot of peoples first sex toy. If possible, detach the shower head and use it to pleasure the other person and lightly tickle their genitals.”

To help get you started, Lust suggests try standing. “It’s simple but very enjoyable,” she says. “Have one person lean against the shower wall while the other penetrates from behind. This is great because you can position the shower head to trickle water down the back.”

If possible, she also suggests taking a seat. “Whether on the edge or on the shower floor, this will allow one person to straddle the other with minimal risk of slipping,” Lust says. “Maybe position the shower head slightly away so it isn’t restricting anyones eyesight.”

Finally, if you find that you can’t find a position that feels good for penetration, Reeves suggesting trying oral or hand sex.

Best toys to use when having sex in the shower

Toys can be another great way to experiment with shower sex. Zane recommends the BOOTIE RING, which is a butt plug connected to a cock ring. “I’d insert the toy before heading into the shower. And then, the cock ring portion of the toy will help you sustain an erection,” he says. Additionally, he likes the B BALLS DUO, “a weighted butt plug that you can insert before having shower sex for additional pleasure.”

For those into pegging, Lust suggests trying SHARELITE. “It is completely waterproof as it is made out of body-safe silicone,” she says. “The beauty of SHARELITE, is that it is a harness-free dildo so there are no straps getting wet and potentially chafing.” Another toy Lust recommends is Maya by Love Not War. “It is a recycled bullet that is 100% waterproof, with a tapered tip made for exploring,” she says. “Since this toy is made of aluminum, it is great for temperature play too. The head unscrews and can be submerged in hot or cold water.

Complete Article HERE!

33 ways to have better, stronger orgasms

— Everything to know about the 11(!) types of orgasm.

By , and

Look, everyone wants to have a mind-blowing orgasm every time they have sex. But unfortunately, it’s not always that easy.

Only about half of women consistently climax during partnered play, and nine percent have never orgasmed during intercourse, per one study published in Socioaffective Neuroscience & Psychology. (Worth mentioning: The percentage of pleasure-seekers who do consistently O during sex is higher for women in same-sex relationships.)

So, why is the orgasm gap so big? For one thing, your entire body has to be ~in the mood~ when you’re attempting to orgasm, says Donna Oriowo, LICSW, CST, a certified sex therapist and owner of Annodright based in Washington, D.C. ‘Orgasms require both the physical and the mental, emotional component,’ she adds. This, along with a few other reasons (that Women’s Health will get into below!), can make them hard to come by.

If this gap sounds all too familiar, you don’t have to feel like all hope is lost. Here, sex experts explain everything you need to know to have an orgasm, whether you’re trying to ring the bell for the first time or take your O to another level of pleasure.

What’s an orgasm, exactly?

Let’s start with a basic definition. ‘Clinically, an orgasm is the rhythmic contractions of the genitals,’ Jenni Skyler, PhD, an AASECT-certified sex therapist and director of the Intimacy Institute, previously told Women’s Health US. It’s marked by vaginal contractions, an increased heart rate, and a higher blood pressure.

But how an orgasm feels, exactly, will vary from person to person. Skyler typically describes it as a ‘pinnacle of pleasure, or the capacity for the whole body and genitals to feel alive and electric.’

What are the different kinds of orgasms?

Each type of orgasm is named for the body part that’s stimulated in order for them to occur, including:

Clitoral Orgasm

The clitoris is the small, nerve-dense bud at the apex of the labia that serves no function other than to provide sexual pleasure (!). When orgasm happens as a result of clitoral stimulation—be it from your partner’s hands or tongue, or a clitoral vibrator—it’s called a clitoral orgasm. FYI: This is the most common type of orgasm for those with vulvas, says Ian Kerner, PhD, LMFT, a certified couples and sex therapist based in New York, New York, and the author of She Comes First.

How to have a clitoral orgasm:

  • Use lube. Remember: the clitoris is sensitive. If there’s not proper lubrication, ‘you can cause [yourself or your partner] pain unnecessarily,’ Oriowo says, especially if you start off using lots of pressure. Which brings me to…
  • Start slow and gentle. Add gradual pressure and stimulation as time passes. Feel it out, literally. That way, you can let your orgasm build and avoid experiencing any pain or discomfort.

Vaginal Orgasm

Less than one in five of those with vulvas can orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone, according to the Mayo Clinic. If you have an orgasm from vaginal penetration, without any direct clitoral stimulation, that’s a vaginal O!

How to have a vaginal orgasm:

  • Lube, lube, and more lube. Again, use lube to minimise any discomfort or irritation, Oriowo says. There’s nothing worse than *that* burning feeling that can result otherwise.
  • Find the right rhythm. Whether you’re solo or partnered, you’ll want to figure out what you like, and then (if you are with someone else), communicate your preferences. Then, the name of the game is ‘maintaining the rhythm when the person is having an orgasm—don’t change it up,’ Oriowo says.

Cervical Orgasm

Your cervix is the vaginal canal’s anatomical stopping sign. Located at the wayyy back of the vaginal canal, the cervix is what separates the vagina from your reproductive organs. But beyond just what keeps tampons from traveling into your bod (#bless), the cervix can also bring on some serious pleasure when stimulated.

How to have a cervical orgasm:

  • Be gentle. Since a lot of people can experience pain in this area, again, it’s best to start gently. If you experience any new sensations while dabbling in cervix play, make sure that they’re not painful, Oriowo adds.
  • Use a toy. Sometimes, a penetrative vibrator can hit those deep spots that a human being can’t. ‘A toy can shake things up with the cervical orgasm,’ she says.

G-Spot Orgasm

Often described as feeling more full-bodied than clitoral orgasms, G-spot orgasms occur from stimulating the G-spot, a nerve-packed patch of sponge located two (ish) inches inside the vaginal canal.

How to have a G-spot orgasm:

  • Warm yourself up. Use your fingers and warm up by touching (or having a partner touch) the G-spot area to prepare for deeper penetration, Oriowo says.
  • Move with purpose. If your goal is a G-spot orgasm, the same-old, same-old moves might not work. Instead, practice ‘picking your positions in a way that will help you to really get to the G-spot,’ she adds.
  • Nipple Orgasm

    A nipple orgasm is ‘a pleasurable release of sexual arousal, centred on nipple stimulation and not caused by stimulating the clitoris [or penis] directly,’ Janet Brito, PhD, a nationally-certified sex therapist and the founder of the Sexual Health School in Honolulu, Hawaii, previously told Women’s Health US.

    How to have a nipple orgasm:

    • Use a toy. ‘There are so many nipple toys that I think get left in the dust because we tend to buy toys for our genitals, but not necessarily our nipples,’ Oriowo says. So, invest in some nipple clamps or even a clit-sucking toy that you can use in *both* places.
    • Dabble in sensation play. It doesn’t have to be with a traditional toy, either. Ever tried a feather? An ice cube? You’ll def want to try different things to ‘enhance the pressure that we receive in that area,’ Oriowo adds.

    Anal Orgasm

    An anal orgasm is exactly what it sounds like: any kind of orgasm that ensues from anal stimulation. For some, this means stimulation of just the external anus (for instance, during a rim job). And for others, it means stimulation of the internal anal canal (for instance, with anal beads, a penis, or finger).

    How to have an anal orgasm:

    • Rimming = your best friend. Rimming, or analingus, is the act of someone performing oral sex on the ‘rim’ of the anus. It’s an important part of anal play because many of your nerve bundles are around the opening of the anus, not deep inside it, Oriowo says.
    • Ease into it. If you’re new to anal play and you’re interested in using toys, you’ll generally want to use something the size of a finger, Oriowo says. (And not the size of a penis!) And, of course, use lube. ‘However much lube you thought you needed… put a little bit more,’ she says.

    Blended Orgasm

    This is any orgasm that comes from stimulating two or more body parts. Nipples + anus = blended orgasm! Clit + vagina? Also a blended orgasm. ‘Bringing in sensations to the other areas of the body can also help to increase the strength of any orgasms,’ Oriowo adds. So, blended orgasms might feel extra intense.

    How to have a blended orgasm:

    • Be intentional upfront. Ask yourself which areas you want to stimulate, Oriowo says. If the clit is too sensitive for dual stimulation, for instance, target the G-spot or cervix instead, and add in some nipple play, too.

    Oral Orgasm

    An oral orgasm can be induced by someone going down on you, and it requires a couple of things, Oriowo says. For instance: Awareness of the giver’s lips and teeth, which can ‘enhance the sensation that a person is experiencing,’ she explains. So, you may want to graze your teeth along someone’s clit, but you defs won’t want to bite them—accidentally or not. (Ouch!)

  • Also, ‘paying attention to what your partner is responding to’ is super important, she adds. ‘If they’re saying they’re about to have an orgasm, continue doing what you are doing at the same pace and pressure.’ Noted.

    How to give an oral orgasm:

    • Incorporate teasing. Yup, sometimes just the anticipation of physical sensation can be enough to increase someone’s arousal. Try just ‘whispering near the vagina, but not quite touching it,’ Oriowo recommends, then move from there.
    • Use your tongue. ‘You can do oral in so many different ways,’ Oriowo says. Maybe you try light, tickling touches with the tip of your tongue, interchanged with a broad, deep stroke with your entire tongue.

    A-Spot Orgasm

    The A-spot is between the vaginal opening and the bladder, ‘about two inches higher than your G-Spot, along the front vaginal wall,’ Oriowo says. You know how you have some spongy tissue in your G-spot area? Well, the A-spot is a bit deeper. If you can’t feel it, that doesn’t mean it’s not there, she says—it just means that your A-spot might not be as sensitive.

    How to have an A-spot orgasm:

    • Incorporate a toy. Because this area is deeper than the G-spot, you might want to use a toy to reach it rather than a finger. Still, you can try to move your fingers from side to side (rather than a penetrative in-and-out motion), and you might be able to find the A-spot better.

    U-Spot Orgasm

    The U-spot orgasm is a urethra-based orgasm, Oriowo explains. Therefore, her biggest tip is to be gentle when stimulating the area, then listen to what your partner is requesting (or what your body is telling you, if you’re going solo). After all, ‘this is the area where urine exits the body,’ she says. (Oh, and you’ll definitely want to lube up, too.)

    How to have a U-spot orgasm:

    • Start with fingers. This tip especially applies to those who are just starting to explore the area. ‘The fingers give you a little bit more control,’ she says. Oriowo also recommends exploring down there by yourself first before doing so with a partner. ‘Then, you know what kind of pleasures you’re already capable of,’ she adds.
    • Then, show and tell. After you’ve gotten the swing of things, guide your partner through the process so they don’t end up accidentally hurting you. That way, they can learn ‘how to do it on their own without your guidance eventually,’ she continues.

    Exercise-Induced Orgasm, or Coregasm

    Amazing news for anyone who loves working out: Some people are able to engage the core and pelvic floor in a way that will result in an orgasm. ‘Orgasms are created through the increase in tension and then its release,’ Oriowo says. ‘Engaging your abdominal muscles, often [is] going to be pulling on, or stimulating, the pelvic floor muscles, as well.’ And the rapid release can create a beautiful O.

    Can I have multiple orgasms in a short time period?

    Yes! This happens when you’re in a semi-aroused state and your genitals are resting a bit, Kerner says. ‘Assuming you potentially transition into the right kind of foreplay activities, you would be primed to experience genital stimulation again that would result in a second orgasm,’ he explains.

    Anyone can have multiple orgasms, but it does depend on the person—some people are more likely to have multiple Os than others, Brito says. And again, depending on the person, their second (or third) orgasm after the first may or may not feel as powerful.

    Jennifer Wider, MD, a women’s health expert, author, and radio host, encourages practicing Kegel or pelvic floor-strengthening exercises to strengthen your pelvic muscles in pursuit of an orgasm. By doing these contractions during the initial orgasm, a second or third may be possible, when combined with stimulation to another area.

    ‘Remember, the clitoris is usually a bit sensitive after the first orgasm, so moving to another erogenous zone and going back to the clitoris after a short break can help,’ she says.

    How to have an orgasm:

    Achieving consistent, mind-blowing orgasms is kind of like winning the lottery. Sounds amazing, but basically a pipe dream, right? With these little tricks, it doesn’t have to be.

    1. Prioritise cuddling.

    In the name of boosted oxytocin, rather than saving spooning for after sex, spend some time snuggling up pre-play.

    Known as the ‘love hormone,’ oxytocin might be the key to better orgasms, according to a study in Hormones and Behavior. The study found that couples who received oxytocin in a nasal spray had more intense orgasms than couples who took a placebo.

    Since you probably don’t have oxytocin nasal spray on your nightstand, try giving yourself the same jolt of the hormone naturally by hugging, cuddling, or making other gestures to show your love to your partner. Your post-cuddle O might just surprise you.

    2. Don’t skip right to penetration!

    According to Kerner, having an orgasm requires a few key ingredients:

    1. Vasocongestion (i.e. blood flow to your pelvis);
    2. Myotonia (muscular tension throughout your body);
    3. The brain’s natural opiate system being turned on (because it triggers oxytocin)

    The best way to get these ingredients? ‘Gradual[ly] building up arousal, rather than a race to orgasm,’ he says. In other words, slow down and build both physiological and psychological arousal. Trust, the end result will be worth the wait.

    3. Focus on positions that favour the clit.

    Wider suggests focusing on sex positions that directly stimulate the clitoris during penetrative sex. ‘That can provide a consistent orgasm in the majority of [people with vulvas],’ she says. Try rider-on-top, which allows you to grind your clit against your partner, or rear entry, with you or your partner stimulating your clitoris. Kerner agrees that being on top generally makes it easier for people with vulvas to cum.

    4. Use a vibrator.

    Vibrators are literally made to help you orgasm, after all. ‘Vibrators increase the frequency and intensity of orgasms—whether you’re alone or with a partner,’ says Jess O’Reilly, PhD, a Toronto-based sexologist and host of the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast. She suggests starting with a vibrator that will target your clitoris, G-spot, or both. A few to get you started:

    5. Think about your cycle.

    If you feel like your orgasms have been meh or not even there lately, consider trying to time sex around your cycle. Generally, your libido peaks during ovulation—that’s about two weeks before your period shows up—so the chances of having an orgasm will go up during this time period, Wider says. ‘There may be an evolutionary basis for this, because those with vulvas are most fertile at this time during their cycle,’ she adds.

    FYI: This is especially important if you’re exploring cervical orgasms. That’s because, as O’Reilly previously told Women’s Health US, some people are more likely to have cervical orgasms during ovulation. If having your cervix touched feels painful but you’re still curious, try it during a different time of the month to see if it feels better.

    6. Make sure you have lube on hand.

    Lube reduces uncomfortable friction and allows you to ‘safely engage in a wider range of acts, techniques, and positions,’ O’Reilly says. Not only that, it also ‘leads to higher levels of arousal, pleasure, and satisfaction,’ she says.

    7. Whip out a fantasy.

    Adding a little psychological stimulation to the equation can help enhance physical stimulation, which is why Kerner recommends fantasising on your own or with your partner. ‘Fantasy is also a powerful way to take your mind off other stressors or any other anxieties you may be experiencing,’ he says. And, for the record, ‘it’s okay to fantasize about someone other than the person you’re having sex with,’ Kerner says. (Maybe just keep that info to yourself, though.)

    8. Try sensation play.

    ‘The simple act of turning off the lights, closing your eyes, using a blindfold, or wearing sound-canceling headphones can help you to be more mindful and present during sex—and lead to bigger, stronger orgasms,’ O’Reilly says. ‘This is because the deprivation of one sense can heighten another, so when you remove your sense of sight or sound, you may naturally tune into the physical sensations of the sexual encounter.’ But before you tie an old tube sock around your boo’s eyes, just be sure to ask for consent first.

    9. Feel yourself up in the shower.

    Sure, you shower to get clean, but you can also have some fun when you’re in there. ‘It’s very simple: As you shower, rather than touching to wash yourself, take one minute to touch for sensuality and pleasure,’ O’Reilly says. ‘Feel your skin, take a deep breath, and bask in the heat and warmth that surrounds your body.’ This can help you de-stress and get in touch with what feels good to you—and that can do you a solid when you’re in bed later, she says.

    10. Take an orgasm ‘break.’

    On a similar note, ‘sometimes taking a masturbation and orgasm break for a day or two can be a good “refresh,”‘ Kerner says, noting that people sometimes ‘report stronger orgasms during masturbation after taking a short break.’ If you can, try taking sex or solo love off the table for a day or so and see where that gets you. A simple reset may be just what you need to ramp things up.

    11. Make the most of *that* time of month.

    Raise your hand if Os are, like, significantly better on your period. (My hand is all the way up.) While that may not be the case for everyone because orgasms feel different for every person, it’s good to take note of when your Os feel the best. ‘Some people do say that they’re more likely to feel aroused before their period or during their period, and that might have to do with hormones, but then other people say that’s not true for them,’ Brito says.

    As an added bonus, period sex has the power to literally make you feel better physically. ‘Orgasm has analgesic effects,’ Kerner adds. ‘If you experience sometimes pain or heavy cramping or even headaches during PMS, orgasm could actually help to relieve some of those symptoms.’

    12. Make your fave positions feel that much more intense.

    Stick to your fave sex positions, but get your clit in on the action with the help of a clitoral vibe. Or, take matters into your own hands by bringing your digits downstairs.

    ‘A nice combination is pressure and friction against the glands of the clitoris,’ says Kerner. ‘That is sometimes why a combination of external and internal stimulation can really enhance and get the most out of the potential for orgasm.’ Make sure your focus is within the first few inches of the vaginal entrance, he says.

    13. Be present.

    It can be super easy to get distracted before or during sex. But the best Os come from when you (either alone or with your partner) are in the mood for it.

    ‘The main thing that can affect a woman’s orgasm is not being fully absorbed or present—fully absorbed in the flow of the sexual experience or having that flow interrupted,’ Kerner says. So, try your best to get rid of distractions or other environmental factors.

    You can also practice some mindfulness before you head to the bedroom…

    And on that note, make sure you and your partner’s arousal is synced up. To do that, communicate before, during, and after sex to make sure the experience is going well for all involved.

    14. Don’t let intercourse be the main event.

    Outercourse, which is exactly what it sounds like—everything but penetration—deserves just as much attention, if not more. Make sure there’s a healthy balance of outercourse versus intercourse during sexy time. ‘There’s lots of outercourse positions that provide better or more higher quality clit stimulation,’ Kerner says. ‘That’s gonna generate an orgasm.’

    15. Practice positive handwriting.

    Communication is everything in relationships, and when it comes to sex, it’s even more so. Positive handwriting is when you help guide your partner’s hand around your body, showing them how you like to be touched rather than have them try to guess how you like it.

    ‘That teaches them the rhythm that you want or the circular motion or the speed,’ Brito says. ‘By you knowing yourself, you’re able to teach your partner how to do it for you.’

    16. Take the pressure off of being goal-oriented.

    Obviously, everyone wants to experience ~the big O~, but TBH, just being along for the ride is fun enough. When you have a goal, you’ll automatically feel more under pressure, and sex is supposed to be fun, not stressful.

    ‘The main thing is not having that as a goal in mind,’ Brito says. ‘When it becomes more goal-orientated, it gets a little bit bit harder to do that because now you’re in a performance mode.’ Try to focus on the sensations you’re feeling instead.

    17. Try yogic breathing.

    ‘Some people have luck elongating their orgasm through breath work,’ Wider says. For a longer and stronger orgasm, she suggests yogic breathing, which is a breathing technique used in yoga where you control your breath according to postures.

    Wanna DIY? Take a longer breath right before you climax and then breath through the orgasm instead of holding your breath during it, Wider recommends. That ‘may actually extend the length of it,’ she adds.

    18. Figure out what kind of foreplay you like best.

    This extends your level of arousal, Kerner says. Touching, talking dirty to one another, feeling up your erogenous zones, role playing, and sharing fantasies can all help draw out the period of foreplay and in turn, help make your orgasm *that* much better. You can also try getting in ~the mood~ by listening to a sexy audiobook, reading something, or watching porn, if that’s not usually your vibe.

    ‘For some people, it might help them to engage in some type of erotica,’ Brito says. ‘That can help someone have a better orgasm because their mindset is there.’

    19. Make it a full-body experience.

    Don’t just focus on the downstairs neighbor. ‘You wanna be able to activate the nerve fibers throughout your body that are sensual and respond to stimulation—so you don’t wanna just start with your genitals, you wanna start with a more full-body experience of yourself,’ Kerner says.

    Whether it’s really engaging all of your senses or experiencing with touching different parts of yourself, like your nipples, don’t count any body parts out.

    20. Don’t shift your stimulation right before you’re about to orgasm.

    Kerner says it’s a common instinct to do something different right before a woman reaches orgasm, like shifting their position or way of stimulation. ‘That can really interrupt the orgasm itself in ways that might make it harder to get back on track,’ he says. ‘It’s important that whatever is happening that is generating orgasm, that that continues in a consistent, persistent way.

    So, figure out what your partner likes, and if it’s going well, follow through!

    21. Lean into pregnancy sex.

    Like ovulation orgasms, pregnancy orgasms have the potential to feel *real* good. ‘There’s so much blood that’s sort of just pulling in the pelvis and in the genitals, and so much of arousal is about blood flowing into the genitals,’ Kerner says. So pay attention to those pregnancy Os, because they might be higher quality than during other times, he says.

    22. Remove judgment.

    It’s easy for people to feel shame or guilt around masturbation, sex, or general sexual pleasure depending on one’s upbringing, Brito says.

    ‘Ideally, you’re approaching your body in a loving, caring, compassionate way and being very curious and open to exploring your body parts, including your erogenous zones,’ she adds. ‘It’s like, ‘This is another body part, and I’m open to exploring this area in a loving way.’ It’s a form of self-care.’

    And she’s right—it’s your ‘you’ time! Make sure you have a healthy mindset so you can fully enjoy it.

    23. Be aware and vocal of how the sensations feel.

    It’s easy to get out of sync with your partner during sex, so make sure you’re on the same page by communicating. ‘Sometimes sex is painful and a woman isn’t aroused enough, or the sex causes some kind of pain,’ Kerner says. ‘Generally, men don’t experience sexual pain during sex in the way that women can.’

    If anything isn’t feeling right, make sure to be assertive about it with your partner.

    24. Don’t be afraid to step outside your comfort zone.

    In addition to removing judgment from your mindset, you’ll also want to stay curious and open-minded when it comes to exploring your body, whether it’s with a partner or not. If you’ve always been a little intrigued by anal toys or BDSM, consider tapping into something new. After all, sometimes the most unexpected things give you the greatest Os. (And you can quote me on that.)

    25. Combine types of touch.

    Didn’t you hear? Only stimulating the vagina is, like, so yesterday. Combining different types of touch can look different for everyone—it could be using your hands to stimulate your nipples while you’re getting fingered, or fully using a sex toy while getting massaged all over your body. ‘The more types of touch you engage in, the more intensive it could be,’ Brito says.

    26. Embrace the mini Os.

    Sometimes, people with vulvas experience ‘wavelike feelings of orgasms, or mini orgasms sometimes leading up to an actual physiological orgasm,’ according to Kerner. Often, they think they’re having multiple orgasms, but they’re actually just little peaks and highs before the climax. And they still feel great, so be on the lookout (feel-out?) for any feelings representative of that description.

    27. If you’re not feeling it, consider why.

    Sex is never fun if you aren’t feeling good about yourself, and self-esteem issues are a particular roadblock on the way to an orgasm, Kerner says. If you suddenly aren’t in the mood or you’re feeling bad about yourself mid-act, think about why, and try to get to the root of the issue.

    28. Invest in a new toy.

    Sometimes you gotta mix it up—I get it! If you’ve had a bullet vibrator for while and you’re ready to jump into more intense toys head-on, go for it.

    The type of vibrator you try will depend on the type of stimulation you enjoy—and the type of orgasm you’re interested in exploring. A vibrating butt plug or string of vibrating anal beads will bring a whole lot of ‘oh baby!’ to your backside, while vibrating nipple clamps will make you tingle and giggle without any between-the-leg lovin’.

    29. Use lube on more than just your downstairs area.

    If you’re willing to get a little creative, lube can seriously elevate your sex game in surprising ways. Try to lube up your favorite toy before some solo sex, or even use some on your nipples. Just remember not to use oil-based lube with condoms (it’ll disintegrate the latex) or silicone-based lube with silicone toys (it’ll damage your toys and cause an environment rife for bacteria), Jordan Soper, PsyD, CST, an AASECT-certified sex therapist and licensed psychologist previously told Women’s Health US.

    30. Maintain stimulation throughout the entire O.

    It might sound obvious, but make sure to keep the stimulation going until you know it’s over. ‘Maintaining stimulation through an orgasm, the entirety of an orgasm can get the most out of the duration of an orgasm,’ Kerner says. Longer orgasms? Yes, please.

    31. Tighten your pelvic muscles.

    This tip is especially helpful for G-spot orgasms. ‘The G-spot is located inside the vagina up toward your navel,’ Wider says. Not only will firm, deep penetration help to hit the spot, but also, some [people with vulvas] find it’s helpful to tighten their pelvic muscles during rhythmic sex,’ she adds. Again, you can try Kegel or pelvic floor-strengthening exercises to help this area.

    32. Try edging.

    Edging is when you’re masturbating or engaging in sexual activity, creating a buildup, and stopping before you orgasm, then continuing the cycle over again. Literally, what’s hotter than bring yourself and/or your partner to almost climax, but then not allowing yourself or them to? Sheesh. ‘That can definitely make you have a more intense orgasm,’ Brito says.

    33. Know your body.

    At the end of the day, you know your own body best. Sex toys aren’t for everyone, just like manual stimulation isn’t for everyone, either. Take time to be with yourself and figure out what you like best to maximize your experience, either alone or with partner(s). ‘Do what works for you, arousal levels should build gradually—some [of those with vulvas] enjoy manual stimulation, others prefer toys,’ Wider says.

    Once you know what you like, you can help others in assisting to give you your best orgasm yet.

    Frequently Asked Questions

    Is there a difference between a ‘male’ and ‘female’ orgasm?

    First off, people with vulvas *can* ejaculate through the form of squirting. However, they ‘can both squirt and have an orgasm at completely separate times,’ Oriowo explains.

    On the other hand, people with penises typically experience orgasms that include ejaculation a majority of the time. It is possible for them to have an orgasm without ejaculating, she says—it’s just rarer. Also, some might say that it’s ‘easier’ for those with penises to orgasm than those with vulvas, which leads me into the next question…

    What is the ‘orgasm gap’?

    This is the difference ‘between how often men have orgasms versus how often women who have sex with men have orgasms,’ Oriowo says. ‘Women who have sex with women are more likely to have orgasms than women who have sex with men.’

    I don’t think I’ve had an orgasm before—what can I do?

    There are a few things to get you started.

    Get psychological.

    Aside from exploring your body—likes, dislikes, the whole shebang—’sometimes, we are having mental emotional hangups that are preventing us from being able to connect with our bodies,’ Oriowo adds. For instance, sometimes shame plays a role when you first start to masturbate, she says.

    If it’s affecting you, she recommends looking into therapy or using a workbook or guide that goes over those feelings. Overall, you’ll want to think about the narrative you have around pleasure, masturbations, and orgasms that are preventing you from being able to have one.

    Consider your lifestyle choices.

    Both smoking and drinking a lot of alcohol can negatively impact your ability to experience orgasms. Smoking can affect your circulation, and increases the risk of erectile dysfunction for men. Because people with vulvas have similar tissue sets, especially in the clitoris, ‘that is going to impact the sensations that you’re having and the blood flow to your own clitoris,’ which is what causes an orgasm to feel so good.

    Alcohol, on the other hand, impacts the ability to feel sexual stimulation. So, maybe skip that third pre-sex glass of wine, and instead fully feel the sensations that might lead to an orgasm.

    Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate.

    Yup, you can add better chances of orgasming to the long list of positive effects that hydration has on the body. ‘Hydration really helps with best orgasm results,’ Oriowo says. ‘We are literally walking around here dry, wanting our bodies to perform at peak levels for our orgasms—but lack of hydration can also lead to lack of vaginal lubrication, natural lubrication.’ So, drink that water!

    Drinking enough water will also help blood flow and your muscles will be hydrated enough to move, both of which will help your orgasm. Wins, all around!

    Complete Article HERE!

Here’s how to tell if a throuple might be right for you

— It’s not the same as an open relationship.

By and

The beautiful thing about non-monogamy is that it can take on many, varied forms: A non-monogamous dynamic can look like one polyamorous person having multiple romantic and sexual partners, or several individuals all in a non-hierarchical relationship together. One term you might’ve heard is ‘throuple,’ or triad, which describes a certain kind of committed relationship structure between three people.

Not to be mistaken for an open relationship (where people in a relationship have sex with people who are not their partner) or a threesome (sex between three people), a throuple is a balanced, consensual, and committed relationship. And while the term might be new to you, there’s nothing new or unusual about the concept, says Ann Rosen Spector, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Philadelphia. ‘It’s totally possible to be in love with more than one person at one time,’ she says.

So, what is a throuple, exactly—and what should you know if you’re interested in being in one? Read on for the full lowdown, according to therapists and social workers who work with polyamorous folks.

What is a throuple relationship?

A throuple, or triad, is a balanced, consensual, and committed relationship between three people. ‘What it means is that each person is in a relationship with another—it’s a three-way relationship,’ says Carolanne Marcantonio, LCSW, an AASECT-certified sex therapist with Wise Therapy in New York.

Like a couple, or a relationship between two people, the members of a throuple might have a ‘closed’ relationship, or an ‘open’ one. In some cases, ‘one person could be open to dating others, but another person in the triad isn’t,’ Marcantonio adds. ‘It really just depends.’

Different people in different dynamics might have their own definition and rules for the three-way relationship, so if you meet someone in a triad (or you’re about to join one!), it’s always a good idea to clarify what being in a throuple means to them.

What’s the difference between a throuple and other forms of polyamory?

Anything that isn’t a monogamous, exclusive, two-person relationship falls under the non-monogamy umbrella, says Anna Dow, LMFT, a therapist with Vast Love. And there are infinite types of polyamorous relationships, adds Marcantonio: ‘The sky’s the limit.’

Here are a few more polyamory-related words to know:

  • Quad: Four people who are in a committed relationship with each other
  • Polycule: A network of individuals who are all in relationships with each other
  • Kitchen table polyamory: A network of individuals who are in relationships with each other; if someone new is brought into this dynamic, they must generally get along with the rest of the group (think: feel comfortable sitting together at a large kitchen table)
  • Parallel polyamory: When a polyamorous person has multiple partners who don’t really interact with each other (essentially, the opposite of kitchen table polyamory)
  • Polyfidelity: When a throuple, quad, or larger polycule are ‘closed’ and do not see people outside of their group

Why might someone want to be in a throuple?

In some cases, a couple might meet a third person, become interested in them, and decide to bring that person into their relationship, says Spector.

In other instances, someone might know they’d like to join an existing couple, and seek out this kind of relationship dynamic. ‘If someone is oriented towards knowing that they can love more than one person responsibly, and if they feel like they can enter a relationship with an existing couple—and there’s chemistry, and connection between both and everyone agrees that they’d all like to be dating together—wonderful,’ says Marcantonio.

‘Being in a healthy throuple requires consistent communication and trust’

Aside from the joy of getting to date two people you like (or love), being in a throuple can help you get all your needs met, adds Spector. Think about it like this: When you have a third person involved, chances are, you’ll expose yourself and your original partner to qualities that both of you may want but can’t offer each other.

If you feel like you’re fully ready and wanting to add a third, Spector suggests letting your current partner know by gauging their interest. You can say something like: ‘I’d like to invite someone else into our relationship. How would you feel about having X join us and becoming a throuple?’

What are some tips for being in a healthy throuple?

Just like in any kind of relationship, being in a healthy throuple requires consistent communication and trust. ‘It’s the same as a monogamous relationship—the only difference is, it’ll be happening with two other folks,’ says Marcantonio.

However, there are some specific things you’ll want to watch out for, per relationship therapists:

1. Make sure you set ground rules first.

Different triads have different preferences, needs, and boundaries. Some examples of questions you’ll want to discuss, according to Marcantonio: ‘If everyone is open to all having other partners outside the triad, what does cheating look like? Do we all tell each other and have complete transparency when we’re talking to someone on the app, when we’re planning something, when we’ve had sex?’

Aside from discussions about sex and dating outside of the throuple, you’ll want to talk about your own dynamic as a trio, too, adds Spector. Would you prefer to only have sex as a throuple, for example, or is it okay for two people to have sex without the third?

‘It really depends on the triad and how they would like to set up the rules,’ says Jennifer Schneider, LICSW, LCSW, a psychotherapist specializing in LGBTQIA+ clients and those who identify as polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous. ‘It may be that a throuple sits down with each other and actually spends a few hours hammering out what might be relationship agreements.’

2. Continue to communicate.

People’s needs can fluctuate over time. So, continued communication is important, says Marcantonio. Spector recommends setting regular check-in times with your partners—and also checking in on your own needs, too.

3. And be sure you’re communicating *directly*, too.

One of the biggest issues a throuple might face is triangulation, says Marcantonio. ‘Triangulation in a relationship is when there’s one person who avoids directly interacting, usually with the person they have a conflict with,’ she explains. ‘So instead, they use the third person to confide in, to talk to.’

This can inadvertently put one person in the middle, Marcantonio adds. It can happen in friend groups, family dynamics, and—of course—romantic relationships that involve more than two people. So, if you have an issue or frustration with one of your partners, make sure you’re talking to them directly.

4. Get comfortable with any feelings of jealousy that might crop up.

It’s a common misconception that polyamorous folks don’t deal with jealousy. But, in fact, they can and do, says Schneider. It’s a natural human emotion. ‘It does take a lot of self-awareness and reflection to be in a poly relationship, because you will have feelings that come up that you need to sit with,’ Marcantonio adds.

If you find yourself feeling twinges of envy, Marcantonio recommends ‘staying curious’ and digging into the root of the issue. Is this something you can navigate on your own? Is this something you’d like to discuss with your partners? Did something trigger this emotion? These can be tough questions to work through, so if you’re struggling, you might want to check out a resource like The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola, which is chock-full of tools and exercises for people in polyamorous ‘ships.

What are some of the myths about throuples?

1. They’re purely sexual relationships.

When some people hear ‘throuple,’ they might hear ‘threesome.’ But this dynamic signifies an emotional, intimate relationship between three people. They go on dates together, have deep conversations together, and confide in one another.

‘It’s not all about sex,’ says Marcantonio. ‘It’s people who really uniquely enjoy having deep, intimate connections that go beyond sex.’

2. You have to have a certain sexuality, or be a certain gender, to be in one.

Throuples can be made up of people of any gender identity and any sexual orientation who choose to be together, Spector says.

‘Pop culture depicts them as primarily female-female-male threesomes in an imbalanced way that often fetishises the relationship structure,’ adds Dow. ‘In reality, however, throuples are just typical relationships comprised of people of any genders. And like all relationships, each one has its own set of benefits and challenges.’

3. They’re not natural.

News flash: throuples, quads, and other forms of polyamory are nothing new. Marcantonio recommends checking out the book Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan for further reading on the history of non-monogamous relationships. ‘We were much more communal many, many decades ago,’ she adds.

Ultimately, being in a throuple might not be for everyone—as humans, we all have different needs and preferred relationship structures. ‘Some people are more wired for monogamy, and that’s what they like and want. Others are able to do poly; they might be more wired for that, and that works great,’ Marcantonio says. ‘There’s no one ‘natural’ way to have a relationship.’

Meet the experts: Ann Rosen Spector, PhD, is a clinical psychologist in Philadelphia. Anna Dow, LMFT, is a therapist who specializes in non-monogamy at Vast Love. Carolanne Marcantonio, LCSW, is an AASECT-certified sex therapist with Wise Therapy in New York. Jennifer Schneider, LICSW, LCSW, is a psychotherapist specializing in LGBTQIA+ clients and those who identify as polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous.

Complete Article HERE!

How to Explore Your Sexuality, according to Science

— Some researchers say that the standard definition of sexual orientation is incomplete—and offer a tool for expanding it.

By

Stacy Watnick: The first thing that I do with clients is I tell them that we’re going to go slow—because there are three things that most clients … do not talk about in therapy, and those are religion, politics and sex.

[CLIP: Intro music]

Kate Klein: There’s this, like, whole world underneath people’s clothing that no one talks about.

Sari van Anders: Our science, in some ways…, is…catching up with people’s existences.

Meghan McDonough: I’m Meghan McDonough, and you’re listening to Scientific American’s Science, Quickly. This is part one of a four-part Fascination on the science of pleasure. In this series, we’re asking what we can learn from those with marginalized experiences to get to the bottom of BDSM, find the female orgasm and illuminate asexuality. In this episode, we’ll discuss new ways to question your sexuality, according to science that draws from feminism and queer theory.

But first, let’s get real basic.

Stacy Watnick: Tell me, when I say the word sex or sexuality to you, what comes up?

McDonough: That’s Stacy Watnick, a clinical psychologist based in San Diego, California. She specializes in relationship issues and sexuality. She’s noticed certain patterns in her clients when she asks this question.

Watnick: First, surprise—that there’s such a range of experiences in their body and in their mind about it…. Frequently, I get some shame and discomfort. They’re not sure what words they’re supposed to use: “Are those bad words?”

A little lean forward…. they’re sort of excited and there’s some tension in wanting to tell me—or a little lean back because they’re not sure it’s safe.

McDonough: Stacy asks her clients if they’ve heard of gender and orientation. They talk about the words they know. And then she brings up the zine.

Zine is short for “magazine.” But zines are different from traditional magazines. They tend to be self-published and not typically what you’d find in an academic setting.

This particular zine invites readers on a “journey through the landscape of your sexuality.” The front cover features a drawing of five people on a path leading into the horizon. Each is holding a map labeled “SCT.” SCT stands for sexual configurations theory, a term coined by Sari van Anders, a gender, sex and sexuality researcher at Queen’s University in Ontario.

>Sari van Anders: I was doing some work about multipartnering and things like polyamory…, I was at a conference where there was … a session about asexuality…. And I started thinking about the way these two … identities claimed by different people might come together.

McDonough: Here’s Sari, the creator of this theory. She and her team created the zine as a more accessible offshoot of her 2015 academic paper on the topic.

Van Anders: It was the most exciting piece of work I’ve ever done. I’ve never really done work where it just felt like it had to come out, and it was sort of bubbling out of me.

I think we can maximize our pleasure when we understand what it is that we’re wanting, what the options are, who we are. We can think through some things that we might never have had prompts to do before.

McDonough: Oxford Languages defines sexual orientation as “a person’s identity in relation to the gender or genders to which they are typically attracted.” Sexual configurations theory asks: What if this sort of definition is incomplete?

Sari’s theory basically complicates the idea that sexual orientation is only based on gender. She built it on the existing academic literature and on what people shared about their sexualities.

Van Anders: And it was really important to me to include not just diverse sexualities and genders and people with diverse sexualities and genders but people with marginalized experiences, and so on …

McDonough: Such as people who are LGBTQ+, disabled, into kink or BDSM, asexual or non-monogamous.

Van Anders: Our science, in some ways, is, if anything, sort of, like, catching up with people’s existences…. I think many women know that, like, not all women who are attracted to men, maybe including themselves, that means they’re attracted to, like, penises or that’s the thing only that turns them on. And, and so there’s sort of an assumption that gender/sex sexuality, or what people typically call sexual orientation, is about, like, genital match-ups, like, “I have these genitals, and I’m attracted to people who have those genitals.” But really, like, we rarely see people’s genitals until we’ve already decided we’re attracted to them, right…. Usually there’s so much else going on.

McDonough: Sari uses the term “gender/sex” to mean features that are both socialized and biological and considers it to be just one aspect of sexual orientation.

>Van Anders: You know, it’s not always bodies; there’s also ways of being in the world or clothes, appearance, presentation, the way people talk, how someone treats you. And research on attraction is pretty clear that a lot of other things are rated pretty high up, like kindness or sense of humor or things like that.

McDonough: Sari refers to this as “sexual parameter n”—all the other things that make us attracted to a person.

The way she visualizes these aspects is through cone-shaped diagrams where people can pinpoint their preferences.

Aki Gormezano: As an example, you could think about the tornado for gender/sex sexuality…. So there’s a space on top where there’s a ring going around the outside that SCT calls the binary ring.

McDonough: This is Aki Gormezano, a sexuality researcher who did his Ph.D. with Sari at Queen’s. The ring he’s describing represents what most people know as the sexuality spectrum.

Gormezano: And then there’s a whole space beyond that, falling inside of the binary ring, completing that circle, where you’re not just thinking about women and men, you’re thinking about gender/sex-diverse folks who are occupying spaces outside of that binary ring.

McDonough: This is called the “challenge area.”

Gormezano: That circle I described is on the top, but then it moves all the way down to a point forming what kind of looks like a cone. And there’s a little meter ranging from zero to 100 on the far left of that, and that’s to indicate the strength of your attractions.

McDonough: In lay terms, if gender/sex was an important part of your attraction to people, you’d mark a place higher up on the tornado. If it wasn’t, you’d mark a place farther down. There are also tornadoes for partner number—one, multiple or none—as well as for sexual parametern, representing the other factors Sari mentioned, such as kindness and sense of humor.

Gormezano: Growing up, I was, like, pretty uncritical of my sexuality for the most part… Like I identified as straight by default. And a lot of my attractions, you know, as a cis boy at the time, or, like, now a cis man, were to cis women.

McDonough: In case you don’t know, “cis” here refers to cisgender, when a person’s gender identity matches their sex assigned at birth.

Gormezano: I had a point in high school where I realized … I did have attractions to people who were not cis girls or cis women…. I think I was just, like, confused and upset and didn’t really feel like it was something I could talk about. You know, especially as someone who played sports and was known as an athlete, where that was a big piece of my identity—like, I played soccer all the way through and still do…. I think, for me, the hardest part about realizing that I had interests and attractions that didn’t fit with being straight was that it challenged a lot of my identity around being a man or, like, wanting to be.

McDonough: Aki says that studying sexuality as an adult has helped him see that this isn’t a problem and that sexual orientation, identity and status don’t necessarily line up perfectly. Sexual configurations theory calls this “branched.”

Van Anders: Orientations have to do with, like, attractions, interests, arousals, desire [and] pleasure, and those might be different, or they might be the same. Like, you might really enjoy the thoughts or have fantasies about being with a man. And then when it comes to the actual sex you do, you find people of any gender are really enjoyable…. And status refers to, like, what you’re kind of actually doing, have done or will do…, who you’re actually with, for example.

McDonough: In a 27-country survey conducted by the market research company Ipsos in 2021, for example, 80 percent of self-identified heterosexual people reported that they were only attracted to the opposite sex, and 12 percent of them said they mostly were. Meanwhile 60 percent of self-identified lesbian and gay people said they were only attracted to the same sex, and 24 percent of them said they mostly were. These “branches” of sexuality can all be mapped on separate “tornado” diagrams. If you’re still struggling to picture them, you’re not alone. Between gender/sex, partner number, and other factors—plus identity, orientation and status—it’s a lot. But portraying sexuality as complex is also kind of the point.

McDonough (tape): To what extent do you think sexuality labels are limiting or expanding? If you could imagine your ideal world of how people conceive of sexuality, would everyone have a label?

Gormezano: I think when you just have identities and you just have labels, especially when identities and labels are really narrow…, you might not have the language to articulate the ways in which you don’t perfectly fit with that identity or label…. And I think the more people … who are able to understand the ways in which they might branch from their label or, like, perfectly coincide with it, the more open everyone will be around, you know, just like understanding that, like, around each identity is, like, a collection of people who might vary from that in different kinds of ways.

McDonough: Stacy, the therapist we heard from earlier, commonly meets clients who are working through their sexualities.

McDonough (tape): How do you help them kind of figure that out?

Watnick: We kind of try labels on like clothes…. I’m gonna try this sort of sweater on and see: Does that feel snuggly? Do I feel comfortable? Is there, like, a resonance in my body and in my mind and my heart and my genitals, all over me, that this feels true…? And much like the sweater I put on, I don’t have to wear it all the time…. There’s a very flexible return policy on this kind of content: if they decide they don’t want it; they don’t have to keep it. But we’re trying it on. Let’s see how it feels.

McDonough: Stacy first saw Sari speak at a virtual conference during the pandemic.

Watnick: And my whole brain lit up.

McDonough: The two of them have since formed a working group to bring sexual configurations theory into more clinical settings.

Van Anders: Those of us with marginalized or minoritized or oppressed genders, sexes or sexualities are often not given the tools from science or scholarship to make sense of ourselves. And so this can be helpful in that way. But also people who are majorities…, our culture tells everyone…, you’re just a cisgender man; that’s that; there’s nothing more complex; the complexity is for, you know, the other “complicated,” quote, unquote, people. But our research finds that the majorities actually have a lot of complexity and often have had even less prompt to think about it.

McDonough (tape): I’m wondering if you’ve had any pushback from the scientific community or otherwise?

Van Anders: We get a fair bit of skepticism from academics that what people might call laypeople, just you, people on the street, could actually do SCT diagrams because they are a bit more complex than “What is your attraction…?”…. So we sometimes get people who say, “This is pretty hard” or “I’m kind of confused.” And then we’re like, “Okay, can you describe yourself?” And then we look at the dot, and it matches. So people are actually able to do it anyway.

Van Anders: And we sometimes get pushback, too, from majorities who get, like, a little bit angry, who are like, “Okay, well, here, I can locate myself, but, like, I don’t believe in all these other locations….” You know, they’re usually seeing questions that have heterosexual first if there’s a checklist. And here it’s, like, you know, if you’re interested in women, that’s just one little dot in this whole diagram, and that can be a bit disorienting for people who are used to being with the center.

McDonough: Sari thinks that accounting for this complexity is not only helpful for individuals but also for future scientific research.

Van Anders: People sometimes forget that every measure we use is sort of telling a story about what the world is…. They’re kind of almost like a sieve that you sieve the world through. And depending on what that sieve looks like—whether it’s SCT, whether it’s a one-word question with a checkbox or answer or something—is going to let kind of different kinds of things through…. What is empirical in science is to try to measure the world as it is.

Complete Article HERE!

The science of sex

— What happens to our bodies when we’re aroused?

Sex helps with sleep and allows the brain to switch off

It’s good for our mental and physical health, lowering blood pressure and boosting the immune system

By

Sex is the most talked-about, joked about, thought-about topic in our culture. Every grown adult is expected to know how to do it, but beyond the basic mechanics we’re not taught about it and fiction is coy. We are not short of information on sexual practices – thank you, Fifty Shades of Grey – but there is a general absence of accurate detail of what happens to our bodies during, and as a result of, the act.

Yet sex is good for our mental and physical health. It lowers the heart rate and blood pressure. It may boost the immune system to protect us against infections and it certainly lowers stress. The NHS even recommends it, in a section tucked away on its website, where few are likely to find it, that advises: “Weekly sex might help fend off illness.”

The consultant obstetrician and gynaecologist Dr Leila Frodsham thinks we should be better educated about it. She’s even supporting a project to open a Vagina Museum in Camden, London – after all, there is a Penis Museum in Iceland. More information could make us healthier, happier and save the NHS lot of money, she believes.

“People who have difficulties with sex are much more likely to present with other problems,” says Frodsham. She would like to see more investment in sexual health as preventive medicine.
When hooking up is working out

Sex can be good exercise, although that rather depends on how energetically you go at it. A study in the open-access journal Plos One in 2013 found that healthy young heterosexual couples (wearing the equivalent of a Fitbit) burned about 85 calories during a moderately vigorous session, or 3.6 calories a minute. It’s unlikely to be enough. The NHS says: “Unless you’re having 150 minutes of orgasms a week, try cycling, brisk walking or dancing.”

Tales of men having heart attacks and expiring on the job are much exaggerated. Sex raises the heart rate, which is generally a good thing. A study in the British Medical Journal of 918 men in Wales in 1997 found that sex helped protect men’s health. Men who (admittedly from their own report) had more frequent orgasms had half the risk of dying over the 10 years of the study compared with those who had the least orgasms. As a general rule, if you are able to walk up two flights of stairs without chest pain, you are probably safe to have sex, experts say.

The key to many of the health benefits of sex is the love hormone – oxytocin. Also sometimes called the cuddle hormone, it can even be released when petting your dog. The same hormone causes contractions in childbirth and is in the pessaries given to induce labour. It’s even in sperm. It’s not a myth that sex can help an overdue baby get going. When she was working as an obstetrician, Frodsham says, male partners used to “leave grinning from ear to ear because I’d suggest having sex on all fours to make labour come on”. There’s plenty of oxytocin around when people have sex or even just get friendly. “Any touch releases oxytocin,” says Frodsham. Keeping up physical activity affects libido, she says. “If you don’t use it, you lose it.”

She doesn’t often see people with intrinsically low libido, she says. “But we do see people who kind of get into a sexual rut and it sort of disappears. I often encourage people to schedule sex. A lot of couples feel that it is not natural and it is forcing things, but sometimes you need to get them to become habitual so they can become spontaneous.”

Sex helps with sleep, and allows the brain to switch off. “If you are having sex, you should be getting into a zone where your brain is not in overdrive,” she says. It’s like mindfulness. “I don’t think there are many people who actually give themselves time to relax any more,” she says.

Prof Kaye Wellings, at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine, blames our busy lives for a decline in sexual activity in Britain. Her large recent study of 34,000 men and women, in the British Medical Journal, suggests we are having less sex than we were a decade or more ago. Half of the women and two-thirds of the men told researchers they would prefer to have sex more often. Wellings says the digital age is partly to blame. “We are bombarded with stimuli. I can see that the boundary between the public world and private life is getting weaker. You get home and continue working or continue shopping – everything except for good old-fashioned talking. You don’t feel close when you are on the phone.”

The sexual response, step by step

The best explanation of what actually happens during sex is still credited to two scientists who started work in 1957 – William Masters and Virginia Johnson – although later researchers have criticised parts of their work.

Masters and Johnson worked at Washington University in St Louis, Missouri. Masters convinced Johnson to have sex with him in the interests of research while he was married to someone else. He eventually divorced and they married in 1971, splitting up 20 years later. Together they founded the Masters and Johnson Institute where they carried out their research and trained therapists.

In a book called Human Sexual Response, published in 1966, they described a four-stage cycle in heterosexual sex. First is the excitement or arousal phase in response to kissing, petting or watching erotic movies. A small study by Roy Levin in 2006 found that almost 82% of women said that they were aroused by their nipples being fondled – and so did 52% of men.

Half to three-quarters of women get a sex flush, which can show as pink patches developing on the breasts and spreading around the body. About a quarter of men get it too, starting on the abdomen and spreading to the neck, face and back. Men quickly get an erection but may lose it and regain it during this phase.

Women’s sex organs swell. The clitoris, labia minora and the vagina all enlarge. The muscles around the opening of the vagina grow tighter, the uterus expands and lubricating fluid is produced. The breasts also swell and the nipples get hard.

Masters and Johnson say there is then a plateau phase, which in women is mostly more of the same. In men, muscles that control urine contract to prevent any mixing with semen and those at the base of the penis begin contracting. They may start to secrete some pre-seminal fluid.

The third stage is orgasm, in which the pelvic muscles contract and there is ejaculation. Women also have uterine and vaginal contractions. The sensation is the same whether brought about by clitoral stimulation or penetration.

Frodsham says about a third of women easily have orgasms from penetrative sex, a third sometimes do and a third never do. “I have never seen anything that could be a G-spot,” she says. But the clitoris is much larger than some people assume. “The clitoris actually surrounds the vagina. The protuberance is only 5% of the clitoris.”

Women can quickly orgasm again if stimulated, but men cannot. Last is the resolution phase, when everything returns to normal. Muscles relax and blood pressure drops. But, says Cynthia Graham, a professor in sexual and reproductive health at the University of Southampton, “we still don’t understand everything about what happens even though research has been going on since Masters and Johnson’s early lab studies”.

Take the female orgasm, for instance. “Women report so many different sensations. Some women describe orgasm in a much more focal way. Some describe it in a diffuse way with, for instance, a tingling down their legs. Some women describe losing consciousness.”

And then there is the male erection. A healthy man may have three to five erections in a night, each lasting around half an hour. The one many wake up with is the last of the series. The cause is unknown, but there are suggestions of a link with REM (rapid eye movement) sleep, when people are most likely to dream. Even in the daylight hours, erections are not necessarily under conscious control. Usually they are associated with sexual arousal, but not always.

There is an assumption that sexual desire and libido are strongest in the young and fade out as we age. But there is plenty of evidence of people wanting sex and having sex at older ages. For women, the menopause can be a real obstacle. The loss of oestrogen leads to vaginal and vulval dryness. Frodsham points out that hormonal treatments, from oestrogen tablets in pessaries delivered locally into the vagina to creams and gels, are safe and effective. But so is having regular sex, she says. It’s like exercising a muscle.

“There is very good evidence, particularly in menopausal women, that the more they have sex, the better their physiology is,” she says.

But she cautions against the current enthusiasm for promoting the health benefits of sex for all ages. “There can be a kind of pressure on older adults who don’t want to. A lot of older adults do, but not everybody. There’s no norm about sexual desire.”

However biologically similar we may have been at birth, the one thing that is certain is that sexual desire and preference – as well as means of achieving satisfaction – differ from one individual to the next. Frodsham, for one, thinks enhanced understanding could boost our mental and physical health. And, she believes, it needs to start early.

“Many schools present sex as something that is going to cause STIs and pregnancy,” she says. They’re missing something important, she adds: “They don’t talk about the very natural reason to want to have sex, which is pleasure.”

Complete Article HERE!

7 Habits of Highly Sex-cessful People

— Why do some couples keep the home fires burning while for others the embers grow dim? Here’s what some romantic partners are doing right

By Nicole Pajer

You know who they are.

That couple down the block who’ve been together for 25 years and still canoodle like newlyweds. They seem to have the intimacy and magic you and your partner once shared. How do they do it?

There are plenty of obvious reasons some couples lose their intimacy mojo over time: too much stress, too much conflict, too many health issues. But there are also plenty of healthy people in otherwise healthy relationships who aren’t getting their fair share of lovin’. What’s separating the sexually successful from the carnally challenged? We took a peek under the sheets and discovered some unexpected habits that have nothing to do with your relationship and can help any couple regain their romantic mojo.

1. Sex-cessful couples use the bedroom — for sleeping

Women who sleep an extra hour at night experience more sexual desire the next day and a 14 percent increased likelihood of having sex, according to one study. Maybe it’s because their partners are better rested as well: Not getting enough sleep has been linked to erectile dysfunction and a lack of testosterone in men. “A lot of your hormones and sex hormones are actually produced during good sleep,” says Graham King, M.D., a family medicine physician with Mayo Clinic Health System. Aim for at least seven to nine hours per night; anything under six on a regular basis could be setting you up for trouble.

One key to better sleep and better sex: Don’t bring your smartphone to bed. A study conducted by tech solutions company Asurion looked at the bedroom habits of 2,000 U.S. adults and found that 35 percent of respondents said their sex life had been impacted by their or their spouse’s bedtime phone use. “The phone acts as a barrier to intimacy by distracting attention away from your partner, creating distance between you,” says Lori Beth Bisbey, a clinical psychologist and host of the A to Z of Sex podcast. “Great sex needs both people to be present and focused on each other — and little else, actually!”

2. Sex-cessful couples never crash diet

Almost every trendy approach to losing weight, from keto to intermittent fasting, involves cutting out certain food categories and thereby restricting calories. Maybe they’re fat or carb or protein calories, but the fact is that not getting proper nutrients can have an impact on your sex drive.

“We need protein, we need fats to be able to build those sex hormones and keep our different muscular systems, including our genitals, working right,” says King. Sex, he says, requires a lot of blood flow, an array of hormones, and precursors to different kinds of amino acids we need for vasodilation “and, of course, ultimately, orgasms. So if we’re malnourished, we don’t have the fuel to get there.” If you’re trying to lose weight, do it intelligently. Eat a well-balanced diet high in produce, lean meat and fish, and whole grains, with a minimum of sugar and ultra-processed foods. (AARP’s best-selling guide to 50-plus nutrition, The Whole Body Reset, is now available in paperback.)

3. Sex-cessful couples soak up the sun

You’ve no doubt heard about the importance of vitamin D, and perhaps you’ve asked your doctor to check your blood levels. If not, and if you live in the northern half of the nation, a lack of vitamin D might be interfering with your love life. Low D has been linked to decreased erectile and orgasmic function, as well as diminished sexual desire. But supplements in winter can help: Additional research has found that supplementing with vitamin D can improve sexual function and mood in women with low vitamin D levels. To get more D from your diet, prioritize vitamin D–fortified foods like milk or yogurt. If you prefer to get your vitamin D from being outdoors, remember that you also need to protect yourself: The median age of people receiving a melanoma diagnosis is 66.

4. Sex-cessful couples work their muscles

Working out increases sexual arousal in women and helps combat erectile dysfunction in men. But more important, exercise — especially vigorous exercise that stimulates our muscles — is critical to our libidos.

When we exercise, the stress on our muscles stimulates the hypothalamus to produce sex hormones, says King: “It stimulates an effect that goes through our pituitary to our adrenal glands to start building those precursors to testosterone, estrogen and progesterone.” Without that stimulation, our brains never get the signal that it’s time for lovin’.

The American Heart Association recommends at least 150 minutes of moderate exercise per week, 75 minutes of vigorous-intensity exercise or a combination of both, adding in resistance or weight training several days a week. But don’t overdo it; one study found that men who engage in intense endurance training for long periods of time had reduced libidos.

5. Sex-cessful couples avoid late-night sweets

Many of us enjoy a good after-dinner treat. But dessert is one thing — a midnight snack is something else.

“Eating sugar before bed causes insulin release and can temporarily suppress testosterone levels,” says Raevti Bole, M.D., a urologist at the Cleveland Clinic. Anyone who has felt a crash after a sugar high will understand this effect. “This can make you feel sluggish and sleepy, which can tamper with your arousal,” Bole adds. If you’re hungry before bed, opt for something less sugary, like a piece of fruit, crackers and cheese, or dark chocolate. Avoid processed treats, desserts and sugar-sweetened beverages in the hours leading up to bed.

6. Sex-cessful couples drink a lot

Not booze — water. Water makes up 75 percent of the total body weight of newborns, but as we age, that percentage drops; in older adults it can be 50 percent or lower. And that can impact our health and our sex lives.

Proper hydration is critical to the cardiovascular system, which is responsible for keeping nutrients and oxygen flowing throughout the body. Even mild dehydration can impact a man’s ability to achieve an erection, and for women, it can cause issues with vaginal lubrication and genital arousal, says Sheryl Kingsberg, division chief, Ob/Gyn Behavioral Medicine at the University Hospitals Cleveland Medical Center and codirector of the Sexual Medicine and Vulvovaginal Health Program at the UH Cleveland Medical Center.

Keep a water bottle nearby to sip on throughout the day; reduce your alcohol intake, as that can further dehydrate you; and incorporate water-rich fruits and vegetables into your meals and snacks.

7. Sex-cessful couples make their bed daily

Clutter can sneak up on you, causing stress that you might not even be aware of. One study found that cortisol levels in women with cluttered homes rose during the day and stayed high when the clutter remained; the effect was more powerful on women than on their partners.

“It is likely that this is related to the expectations that women will still be responsible for keeping the home presentable and the social approval inherent in having a lovely home,” says Bole. Chaos around us, she adds, “impacts our ability to concentrate and focus.” Another study that looked at the relationship between clutter and procrastination found that older adults with clutter problems tended to report a significant decrease in life satisfaction. Making your bed first thing in the morning gives you a sense of control that can help reduce the feeling of being a victim of chaos. Better yet, make it together.

Complete Article HERE!

I Used Sex Therapy Apps for Six Weeks

— And Can Confirm They’re a Relationship Game-Changer

Not to mention they helped me seriously start to unpack my sexual traumas and insecurities.

By

In no particular order, here’s a list of things I’d rather do than talk about sex: accidentally like a photo of my ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend from two years ago; play six straight hours of baby shower games; drink bath water (yes, even Jacob Elordi’s).

Though I love having sex, actually talking about it with my partner, friends, and even my therapist makes me want to curl up into a ball and hide. According to a 2023 survey from Durex, I’m not the only one: A third of the 2,000 adults surveyed reported that they feel uncomfortable talking about sex with their partners, and a fifth won’t bring up sex at all over the course of their relationships.

If these folks (myself included) get itchy having these conversations with the person who regularly sees them naked, chances are they’re probably not running out to have them with a professional, either—which is where sex therapy apps can help.

My first introduction to sex therapy apps came late one night while I was laying in bed after a not-so-great, highly-anxiety-provoking sexual experience with my long-term partner. It was a sort of a “straw that broke the camel’s back” situation that made me realize that if I continued to ignore my sexual trauma—and the hangups that came along with it—it was never going to get better. What started with a few Google searches in the realm of “what is wrong with me” took me down a rabbit hole of resources I didn’t know existed. Fifteen minutes later, I downloaded my first sex therapy app, and was almost in tears as I realized that 1) I wasn’t alone in my experience, and 2) there might actually be a solution.

While most experts will tell you that working with an actual human therapist is the best way to address intimacy issues because they’re able to take a more personal approach, apps are a great plan B, especially if you can’t afford individual therapy. There are a number of different reasons why people find themselves in need of sex therapy—Kate Levine, LMHC, a Brooklyn-based sex therapist, names desire discrepancies, shame or embarrassment around sexual preferences, and trauma as some of the most common—and considering 43 percent of women and 31 percent of men will experience some sort of sexual dysfunction (which includes lack of desire) throughout their lifetime, according to The University of Texas Southwestern, any resource that makes navigating these things more accessible is decidedly a good thing.

“For a lot of folks, talking about sex with another human being can be very overwhelming—especially initially—and it might feel easier to engage with an app, where there’s a level of separation through the screen to allow them to get more comfortable,” says Nikita Fernandes, MHC-LP, a sex therapist who specializes in queer, poly, and POC couples. “I think these apps provide a more accessible way to check into or use certain resources at someone’s own pace and time and environment.”

To begin navigating my own issues around sex, I spent six weeks testing out some of the App Store’s most popular offerings. Here’s how it went and what I learned in the process.

Best Overall: Blueheart

Cost: $9.99/month

Pros: Solo and partnered work available, audio and written courses, stories from real couples, guided self-touch sessions, can link up with a partner’s account so you can do the work together.

Cons: Content largely focuses on cisgender sex and sexuality, no free option.

blueheart sex therapy app, blueheart sex therapy articles
BlueheartBlueheart’s helpful articles on sexual desire and arousal. 
blueheart sex therapy app
Blueheart

Blueheart was my first foray into sex apps—I downloaded it the night I realized I couldn’t “fix” my sexual issues on my own and immediately dove in.

The program starts with an assessment, which was built by psychologists and asks questions around five relationship pillars: Connection (i.e. how comfortable you are being yourself around your partner), Teamwork (how well you and your partner work through arguments), Sex and play (whether or not you feel attracted to and sexually fulfilled by your partner), Communication, and Values. From there, the app puts together a personalized program based on your needs.

The results of my assessment reaffirmed that I had significant anxiety around sex, which was impacting my libido levels, and informed me that I could benefit from learning new ways to communicate these things to my partner. The first part of my lesson plan was all about “re-sparking libido,” which consisted of 36 therapist-led audio sessions across five levels. The sessions ranged from five to 20 minutes, and each level included three guided self-touch sessions meant to help me learn how to get out of my head and focus on the pleasurable physical sensations that come with sex—which are more “guided meditation with some light nipple play” than audio erotica.

Level one began with exploring what desire is and how it works; level two was about managing stress and distractions during sex; level three focused on body image and performance anxiety; level four amped up those learnings with lessons on how to better connect to your body; and level five highlighted how to find pleasure. The final lesson, which is meant to be the last one you do on your own, teaches you how to talk about Blueheart with your partner so that you can work together moving forward.

In addition to the personalized lesson plan, Blueheart allows you to opt into other couple-friendly courses like “How To Talk About Money” and “Becoming a Better Team.” There are also a slew of expert-informed articles around body image, arousal, basic sex-ed, and more, plus stories from real couples who have found success with the program.

After spending years feeling like a freak because of my anxiety around sex, what I loved most about this app was how often it reassured me that it was totally normal—exactly what I needed to hear (especially from the soothing British woman’s voice Blueheart uses across its content). Every new session seemed to be building on the work I’d already done, which made me feel like I was making real progress. Additionally, the meditations helped me get in touch with my body, and I found myself coming back to the breathing exercises and sensory scans I learned during intimate experiences. After only two weeks of using Blueheart, I started to feel less stressed about sex, and now that I’ve finished my first full lesson, I’m excited to bring my partner into the fold to continue this work together.

Best for individuals looking to improve sexual function and desire: Rosy

Cost: $9.99/month-$74.99/month

Pros: Backed by licensed therapists and OBGYNs, offers coaching for queer and non-monogamous relationships, daily programs as short as five minutes, community-based conversation boards, live events, two virtual 30-minute coaching sessions a month with premium plan.

Cons: No free option, meant more for individual work than for couples.

rosy sexual therapy app
RosyRosy has a slew of content types to explore, from Religion to Mental Health.
rosy sex therapy app
RosyJust a few of Rosy’s audio erotica options.

Like Blueheart, Rosy’s sexual wellness program also begins with a quiz, but the questions are more related to your sex life over the course of the past month (think:”how often did you feel sexual desire?” and “how often did you reach climax when you had sexual stimulation?”). It also asked questions about birth control, pregnancy, and menopause (because hormones are so closely linked to sexual desire and performance), mental and gynecological health, and sexual trauma. All of this information creates your personalized wellness plan, which typically includes a daily lesson followed by a reflection in your in-app journal.

My journey started with the basics: A video in which two licensed psychotherapists explain in depth what sexual trauma actually is, which helped me better understand how these types of experiences can take different shapes. In addition to the daily tasks, the app also offers a series of “Quickies” videos where experts dive into common sexual concerns, like the orgasm gap and libido changes during menopause. Even better? It’s got an entire library of written and audio erotica (we’re talking hundreds of options), and a community discussion board where you can talk about what you’re going through with others who may be sharing the same experience.

I love how expert-led Rosy feels—certainly the closest to what I imagine IRL sex therapy feels like. The lessons gave me the opportunity to really understand how my sexual trauma was impacting me, as well as the tools I need to start overcoming it.

Best for couples looking to connect: Coral

Cost: $59.99/year

Pros: Designed for couples, one subscription includes two memberships (one for each partner), includes personalized therapy “journeys,” audio pleasure guides, games for couples, and sex tips. Free option offers limited access to some resources.

Cons: Not great for individuals looking to navigate sex and intimacy independently.

coral sex therapy app

coral sex therapy app
CoralCoral’s “Yes to Sex” sexual improv game.

Coral is designed for couples, which means that after a month of testing sex therapy apps on my own, it was time to tell my partner what I’d been up to—which was admittedly a lot less scary than it would have been prior to this experiment.

Like all of the other apps on this list, Coral opens with an assessment—but in this case, the questions focus more on your sex life as a couple rather than an individual. (A few examples, which are meant to be answered by both parties: Who initiates sex more often? Does your desire come on suddenly or gradually? Has your attraction to your partner grown or diminished over time?) Your answers will inform the “journeys” that the app recommends for you, which target your goals around things like communication, confidence, and pleasure within your relationship.

Based on the program’s assessment that my partner and I have different desire types, I got my own journeys, each consisting of both written and audio lessons meant to be worked through on your own. Beyond these structured solo paths, the app also offers a slew of “choose your own adventure”-type programs that you can do alone or with your S.O. There are audio guides for solo and partnered pleasure, games and activities couples can play together to help get in the mood (my personal favorite was “Yes to Sex,” a sexual improv game in which one partner says something like “I’d like to get naked tonight,” and the other keeps the conversation going by adding a “yes and” statement, like, “Yes, and, I’d like to give you a massage with essential oils.”), sex tips and how-to guides, and more.

Thanks to the confidence and comfort I started building using Blueheart and Rosy, I was genuinely excited to start working with my partner on Coral. Though many of the activities started off giggly and silly, they helped us have some real, honest conversations about sex—and for the first time in my life, I faced them head-on instead of sticking my fingers in my ears. It wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable. Dare I say it was kinda… fun?

Final Thoughts on Sex Therapy Apps

After six weeks of entrusting my sexual wellbeing to app-based therapy, I walked away with a better understanding of my sexuality and how to properly communicate my needs. It’s hard to pick a favorite among the three apps because each one is so different, but using them helped me realize that there are effective tools available, that I’m not alone, and that I don’t have to spend big money on an IRL sex therapist to work through my struggles—at least not for now.

Caring for your mental health is a highly personal endeavor, which is to say that what worked for me may not work for everyone. But all three of these apps will be staying on my phone—and in my life—for the long haul, because even though I’ve made strides, I’m still a work in progress. And if they can continue to make my sex life, and my attitude around it, even better? That’s well worth the monthly subscription fees, IMO.

Complete Article HERE!

Debunking Love Myths

— A New Look at Romance and Science

“Based on our findings, we think it’s less ‘Happy Wife, Happy Life,’ and more ‘Happy Spouse, Happy House.”

 

Summary: A new study challenges popular romance myths, debunking the Five Love Languages with evidence-based research. The work, proposes a ‘balanced diet’ metaphor for expressing love, emphasizing the need for diverse and evolving expressions of affection in relationships.

The findings, including critiques of concepts like “Happy Wife, Happy Life” and the appeal of unplanned sex, underscore the importance of mutual satisfaction and novelty in maintaining desire.

The research calls into question widely held beliefs, advocating for a more nuanced understanding of relationship dynamics.

Key Facts:

  1. Amy Muise’s research contradicts the Five Love Languages, suggesting a need for multiple expressions of love rather than one primary language.
  2. Studies led by Muise found that both partners’ perceptions are equally important in a relationship, challenging the “Happy Wife, Happy Life” notion.
  3. Muise’s work emphasizes the importance of planned intimacy and novel experiences in enhancing relationship satisfaction and desire.

Source: York University

From the Five Love Languages to the concept of “Happy Wife, Happy Life,” popular culture is riddled with ideas of how sex and relationships are supposed to work, but does the science back these ideas up?

According to Faculty of Health Assistant Professor and Research Chair in Relationships and Sexuality Amy Muise, the answer is frequently no. 

Ahead of Valentine’s Day, Muise, also director of the Sexual Health and Relationship (SHaRe) Lab, can offer alternative theories that are supported by her research and other literature in the field.  

Muise’s latest research debunks the Five Love Languages, offers ‘balanced diet’ metaphor as alternative 

The Five Love Languages is the invention of Gary Chapman, a one-time Baptist minister who provided marital counselling to couples in his church and wrote a book based on his experiences.

The theory goes that each of us has a primary love language – words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch – and problems arise in relationships when partners are speaking different languages.

Online dating sites encourage you to share your love language, 50 million people have taken the online test, and videos with the hashtag have half a billion views on TikTok – clearly, the concept has deeply ingrained itself in the popular imagination, but according to Muise’s latest review paper in collaboration with researchers from the University of Toronto, the theory doesn’t hold up. 

“His work is based on a very religious traditional sample of monogamous, heterosexual cisgendered couples and it is all anecdotal. We were pretty skeptical of the claims made so we decided to review the existing evidence, and his idea that we all have one primary love language really isn’t supported,” says Muise.

“His measure pits the love languages against each other, but in research studies when they’ve asked people to rate each of these expressions of love independently, people tend to rate them all highly.” 

Still, Muise sees why the concept has taken off. “It’s something people can really grab onto in straightforward way and communicate something about themselves to their partner. But we would suggest that love is not a language that you need to learn how to speak but it’s more akin to a nutritionally balanced diet, where partners need multiple expressions of love simultaneously, and that these needs can change over time as life and relationships evolve.” 

Other research Muise has done similarly questions pop psychology concepts, exposing flaws along the way: 

Happy Wife, Happy Life? 

Muise and a group of international collaborators looked into the idea that it is women’s perceptions that are the barometer for the relationships, carrying more weight than men’s. In two studies looking at mixed gender couples, one examining daily diaries and the other looking at annual reports over five years, they found instead that both partners conceptions of the relationship were equally important. 

“Based on our findings, we think it’s less ‘Happy Wife, Happy Life,’ and more ‘Happy Spouse, Happy House.” 

Is unplanned sex hotter? 

Not necessarily, says Muise. In research done last year with a York graduate student, Muise found that while many people endorsed the ideal of spontaneous sex, the researchers did not find evidence that people’s actual experience of sex was more enjoyable when not planned. If you are planning on sex this Valentine’s Day, Muise advises it might work out better to plan to have it before a big meal. 

Is too much closeness bad for sexual relationships? 

“In the research, we find couples who grow closer have more desire for each other, but we argue that what’s also needed for desire is otherness or distinctiveness,” she says. 

“It’s important to bring new things into the relationship, find ways to see a partner in a new light. Novel experiences have been shown to increase desire in long-term relationships, so when making plans for Valentine’s day, doing something together that’s broadening or expanding can increase desire.” 

About this psychology and relationships research news

Author: Emina Gamulin
Source: York University
Contact: Emina Gamulin – York University
Image: The image is credited to Neuroscience News

Original Research: Open access.
Popular Psychology Through a Scientific Lens: Evaluating Love Languages From a Relationship Science Perspective” by Amy Muise et al. Current Directions in Psychological Science


Abstract

Popular Psychology Through a Scientific Lens: Evaluating Love Languages From a Relationship Science Perspective

The public has something of an obsession with love languages, believing that the key to lasting love is for partners to express love in each other’s preferred language.

Despite the popularity of Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages, there is a paucity of empirical work on love languages, and collectively, it does not provide strong empirical support for the book’s three central assumptions that (a) each person has a preferred love language, (b) there are five love languages, and (c) couples are more satisfied when partners speak one another’s preferred language.

We discuss potential reasons for the popularity of the love languages, including the fact that it enables people to identify important relationship needs, provides an intuitive metaphor that resonates with people, and offers a straightforward way to improve relationships.

We offer an alternative metaphor that we believe more accurately reflects a large body of empirical research on relationships: Love is not akin to a language one needs to learn to speak but can be more appropriately understood as a balanced diet in which people need a full range of essential nutrients to cultivate lasting love.

 

Benign Variation

— They used to ask much different sex advice questions in the ’90s.

By Rich Juzwiak

Ah, the early ’90s: a simpler time. It was before reality TV revolutionized the entitlement of the masses who want to get attention and money for just … existing, before 9/11 and the safety theater of the TSA, before presidential candidates in the U.S. could run on an explicit platform of ending democracy. And it was a time when “What is a butt plug?” was a common question to write into a sex-advice column.

At least that’s how Dan Savage broke down a key difference between writing his advice column then and now during a recent phone conservation from his home in Seattle. “Butt plugs have a wiki page now—I don’t have to explain butt plugs anymore,” said the writer and podcaster, whose Savage Love advice column began publishing in 1991. Now everything is about “situational ethics,” he said, as people’s conception of sex has expanded through the years, thanks in no small part to Savage himself. “And those columns are harder to write—and easier to fuck up.”

“In the mid-’90s, I would say, ‘I write a sex advice column,’ and professors, journalists, researchers wouldn’t want to play in that sandbox because it was so demeaning,” Savage recalled. He said that’s much different now, as I can also attest as the co-author of Slate’s sex advice column, How to Do It. Another change: He said he receives far fewer gay-panic-related questions now than he did when he started, as well as fewer questions that ask in so many words, “Am I normal?” That’s a question, he said, he “worked hard to make go extinct.” There was also the rise of porn tube sites in the mid-aughts, which Savage credits to expanding understanding of the range of sexual practices out there (or, as queer theorist Gayle Rubin put it, “benign sexual variation”). As a result, “you just couldn’t be in denial anymore about how infinitely varied and subjective desire, arousal, turn-ons, kinks—all of that—was, and there’s just this collective shrug where everybody went, ‘We’re all freaks,’” Savage said.

The sex-advice column is a working example of how culture operates as a feedback loop, which is informed by the same public it goes on to inform. In Confidential to America: Newspaper Advice Columns and Sexual Education, David Gudelunas writes that “the primary function of an advice columnist is not to dispense interpersonal advice to writers but rather to serve as a cultural benchmark that both identifies and helps to shift social norms pertaining to human sexuality.” The focus of Gudelunas’ book is “Dear Abby” and “Ask Ann Landers,” so he argues that this role has existed for well over half a century. Writer Tristan Taormino, who said her diaristic Village Voice column Pucker Up (which ran from 1998 to 2008) was a direct result of the paper’s aim to expand upon Savage’s early success, pointed to the term “pegging,” which Savage coined via a 2001 reader contest. “And all of a sudden, ‘pegging’ is in all the advice columns,” she said. “I feel like the audience got savvier.” Taormino has watched the discursive profile of anal sex in general grow over the years. “When my book [The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women] first came out in 1998, people did not want to talk about it. And now, quite literally, there are anal sex columns in Teen Vogue,” she said.

Taormino wrote her own advice column, The Anal Advisor, in the Hustler offshoot Taboo from 1999 to 2014. These days a lot of her advice-giving takes place when she speaks on college campuses; she said she’s seen an increase in questions about BDSM but also a consistency in subject matter over the years. “There’s a through line of basic questions, which haven’t changed since the late ’90s. And that comes out of abstinence-only sex ed,” she said. “Once they get to college, all of a sudden they have the opportunity to ask these questions.”

Audience savviness—or lack thereof—has long been a guiding force of advice columns, and not just for how it has complicated questions. In Newspaper Confessions: A History of Advice Columns in a Pre-Internet Age, Julia Golia writes of the communities that formed around newspaper advice columns of old, like The Detroit News’ Experience, which regularly featured reader input on questions, resulting in an “anonymous community in a mass-media form to ask for guidance, but also to be heard and valued.” As Golia told me, “That traditional model cannot be understood outside of the constant dialogue that happens on the internet.”

In her book, Golia draws a parallel to the subreddit Am I the Asshole?, a crowd-sourced Reddit advice column for the modern age that effectively amputates the central personality of the traditional model for something more democratic. Carolyn Hax, who has published a now-daily advice column in the Washington Post since 1998, regularly integrates reader responses to questions in her answers. She told me this was in part a product of an active online community in the comments section. Once a week, Hax sits out and her column is devoted entirely to reader responses. Hax’s column is more about general relations than sexual ones, though she does occasionally broach the topic. Previously, she was less confident about opining in an area of specialized knowledge, but now, “I’m much more comfortable with the idea of just being sex-positive,” she said. “My understanding of this has gotten so much better over the years—of what works and what doesn’t work and what comes with a with a side of shame, which complicates everything and makes it worse. That’s just time and experience.”

Feedback has been a mixed blessing for Savage. “A lot of us learn to stop reading our mentions,” he said. And yet, he’s learned and grown from being “yelled at” by readers—sometimes literally. He recalled running into writer Kate Bornstein on the streets of Seattle in the ’90s, who took him to task for something “jokey stupid” he wrote about gender-confirmation surgery. Their meeting spawned a column, which introduced the gender theorist to many of Savage’s readers. And all “because I fucked up,” Savage said. “And because I was receptive when Kate Bornstein said, ‘You fucked up.’ I didn’t tell her to fuck off. I didn’t do a Netflix special about how much I hate her.” Still, when Savage started writing in print, his archive wasn’t instantly accessible as it is today. “There was this understanding that writers and columnists were still thinking and reassessing and revising their opinions as more info or life experience came in,” he recalled. “And somehow the internet destroyed people’s ability to perceive that or allowed bad actors to argue that that’s not what you did. They will hold up the bloody shirt of something you wrote 25 years ago, and you’re like, ‘Have you read anything that I’ve written in the last 20 years about literally that?’”

As forebears to the modern advice column like Dr. Ruth Westheimer and Loveline’s Dr. Drew Pinsky did on television and radio, respectively, many of today’s self-styled dispensers of advice have expanded beyond the written word, using TikTok, YouTube, and podcasts. (Savage’s Savage Lovecast turns 18 this year.) This is another mixed blessing, according to Dr. Debby Herbenick, professor and director of Indiana University Bloomington’s Center for Sexual Health Promotion. “I think there’s a lot of upsides to video-based sex education, and sex information coming out,” said Herbenick, who has written several advice columns, including Kinsey Confidential for the Kinsey Institute from 2001 to 2018. “It can be entertaining, it can be engaging, it can get it to lots of different sources. On the other hand, there’s also not a lot of eyes on it for fact-checking. When you don’t have something that’s kind of written out there that people can parse and go through, it really does kind of become a little invisible.”

Taormino noted that the market for sex podcasts is “saturated—and we’re all vying for the same ad dollars.” She contrasted the post-Savage boom that saw the birth of her “Pucker Up” column and countless others crop up with the current censorious state of media, in which writers and sex workers are penalized for talking about sex on social media. Herbenick recalled a drug-store chain dropping an unnamed magazine she wrote for as the result of her writing about sex. “I had to fight to talk about HPV and sex toys,” she said. “And I didn’t always win those fights. And when I did, those publications were taking a risk.”

Shrinking and obliterated newsrooms only add to the difficulty of writing about sex (at least, writing about sex and getting paid for it). A certain strain of common wisdom states that “people don’t read anymore,” and so it’s only natural that a lot of the public sex discourse has poured into audio and visual media, or pithy comments on crowd-sourced advice columns like r/amitheasshole. Yet the written sex-advice column persists.

For Savage’s part, he remains just as engaged as he was 33 years ago. “I’m getting questions now from the middle-aged children of the people I gave advice to before they had kids,” he said. “If I had to write ‘What’s a butt plug?’ over and over and over again, forever, I’d probably lose my mind. The trouble that people get themselves into seems to constantly be interesting. And the situational ethics, there’s an infinite number. One genre of sex advice is, ‘What’s a butt plug?’ There’s an infinite number of ways that people can shit the bed and fuck up their life and need help or need validation or need to be told that they’re not the asshole or be told that they are the asshole. And so I think it is still interesting. And I still get questions that surprise me.”

Complete Article HERE!

“Am I Gay?”

— Here Are 4 Things to Consider When Questioning Your Sexuality

Sex and relationships experts share questions to ask yourself as you figure things out.

By

If you’re reading this article, chances are that at some point in your life you’ve asked yourself the million dollar question: Am I gay? You might have even tried taking one of those gay quizzes online. If that’s the case, you’re not alone, and you’re in the right place.

More people are curious about their own sexualities now that queer visibility and representation have reached unprecedented heights. According to a recent study by the Cultural Currents Institute, Google searches by people questioning their sexuality and gender identity increased 1,300% from 2004 to 2023.

But even if pop culture increasingly celebrates queer people, it’s easy to forget that realizing you’re not straight can still be an anxiety-inducing and lonely experience. You might be worrying about what being gay, bi, pan, or some other non-heterosexual identity could mean for your relationships, your love life, or your wellbeing. On top of that, our more expansive understanding of sexuality and gender means even binary labels like “gay” or “lesbian” might not feel totally authentic to you.

If you’re curious, that’s a sign

First things first: the fact that you’re curious about your sexuality and asking questions is a sign itself.

Try to be honest with yourself about why you’re questioning your sexuality. You probably had an experience or a thought that triggered it; try to identify what that was and think through why you had it. “Most straight people, in my experience, take their sexuality for granted,” says Alex Jenny. “If you’re having a prolonged sense of curiosity about your sexuality, that is often a sign of something.”

Just having a singular moment of same-sex attraction or a queer sexual fantasy doesn’t necessarily mean you’re queer. Sexuality is a complicated thing, and everyone has thoughts and desires that don’t always fall into the bucket of whatever sexuality you identify with. But if you’re having prolonged, repeated thoughts and fantasies that can be called queer, it might be time to think about whether you yourself might be queer, in whatever form that might take — bi-curious, bisexual, pansexual, gay, lesbian, or otherwise.

It can also be helpful to differentiate between queer romantic feelings and queer sexual feelings. “Sexual attraction is very much like wanting to have sex with someone,” Kipling explains. “Romantic attraction is more about love and warm feelings and wanting to be around that person. It doesn’t have to include building a life with them.”

In other words, paying attention to how your body reacts physically to someone can be a good way of gauging whether you’re experiencing sexual or romantic attraction. Because our culture often conflates platonic, romantic, and sexual intimacy, you might just be experiencing an intense nonsexual crush. That doesn’t automatically rule out the possibility that you could be queer, of course, but it could be a first step towards exploring other facets of your queerness that aren’t just tied to sex.

Don’t rush to label your sexuality right away

It might feel tempting to take an online quiz or let an article like this one put a label on your sexuality. Many of us took “Am I Gay?” quizzes growing up hoping to dispel our worst fears, only to end up confirming them.

Although you should be skeptical of any “gay tests” on the internet, considering they’re extremely reductive and definitely not science-based, there are some online resources that could help you make better sense of your possibly-queer feelings. The Lesbian Masterdoc is a 30-page document that was published by then-teenager Anjeli Luz on Tumblr in 2018. It breaks down questions and feelings that lesbian-identifying people may have when questioning their sexuality. There are sections dedicated to explaining dynamics such as compulsory heterosexuality, which is the inherent assumption in society that everyone is heterosexual — an assumption that prevents people from exploring other alternatives.There’s no harm in reading documents like this, especially if you find that you identify with a lot of the material, but it’s important to keep in mind that this is only a snapshot of one queer person’s experience with their sexuality.

Finding a queer glossary could also be a good tool to get an idea of the immense spectrum of desires and identities that you might want to explore. The Gender Elephant is a flowchart by the Canadian Centre for Gender and Sexual Diversity that breaks down the difference between gender identity, romantic attraction, gender expression, and sexuality while acknowledging that all of those things exist across a spectrum.

“If these labels help you understand yourself better or help you find meaning around yourself and your identity, great,” Kipling says. “If not, also great.” You should only be using flow charts, quizzes, and other materials to the extent that they make you feel more at ease and valid in your feelings, but not if they make you feel boxed in.

Talk to queer people about what you’re experiencing

Another good place to start is to find a community, whether in a physical space like your local LGBTQ+ center or online. Talk to queer people about your thoughts and feelings, even if that feels scary or hard. They’ve likely been through some of what you’re facing, and can tell you how they themselves figured out their identity.

If you’re worried about discretion, try to find someone you can really trust with your questions, who you know won’t tell others about what you’re experiencing before you’re ready. If you can’t find someone like that in person, online communities and resources, like the Trevor Project’s TrevorSpace or the LGBT National Coming Out Support Hotline, can connect you with LGBTQ+ people who can help you make sense of what you’re feeling.

Talking to queer people is especially important because it allows you to understand that you’re not alone, and that your experiences don’t isolate you — they actually make you a part of an enormous network of people all over the world.

 

“You’re not going to necessarily relate to everybody’s experiences, but maybe there are little pieces of somebody else’s experience that you really resonate with,” Kipling says. On top of that, “there are people who are waiting to embrace you in the fullest sense.” When you are affirmed by others, embracing yourself gets a lot easier.

Coming out doesn’t always happen all at once

Coming to understand your identity can be an exhilarating experience, but it’s something that needs to happen at your own pace. If you do realize you’re not straight, you might begin to feel pressure to come out, but know that if coming out doesn’t feel right or safe for you, it doesn’t make you any less of a queer person.

“It’s also brave to keep yourself safe,” Jenny says. Instead of “coming out,” she prefers the term “coming in,” which gives us more agency. “‘Coming in’ is having discernment around who the people who are actually safe and want to celebrate and uplift your sexuality and my authenticity are,” she continues. “Those are the people who you can invite in.

Jenny likens sharing your sexuality to giving someone a delicate vase. You wouldn’t give something so fragile to someone who might be reckless with it, and you wouldn’t do the same with your identity.

It’s also perfectly okay to discern when and where you want to share your queerness. For example, if you decide to paint your nails at home but want to take them off to attend a family function, that’s totally fine. “When people are exploring their sexuality for the first time, they’re not immediately going to have the full queer lifestyle that they might be seeing on social media,” Jenny says.

The beautiful thing about being queer is that there are infinite ways to do so. “There are so many ways to express your authenticity, even if it’s just you alone in your room,” Jenny says. “It’s important to be okay with wherever you are in this moment.” From that authenticity grows an acceptance that you might not know or be confident in exactly who you are all the time — and that’s okay, too.

Complete Article HERE!

Here’s the biggest myth about desire in long-term relationships

— It turns out every part of the narrative we’re taught about how desire works is not merely wrong, but wrongheaded

Young beautiful woman is kissing her boyfriend gently. Their eyes are closed. Couple is illuminated with bright multicolored lights.

By Emily Nagoski

When I first began having long(ish)-term sexual relationships during my college years I believed an old-fashioned narrative about how desire works. We’re told it’s all passion and “spark” early in a relationship, and that lasts a couple of years maybe. Then we have kids or buy a fixer-upper house or generally get busy with work and life, and the spark fizzles out, especially after 50, when apparently every hormone we ever had floats away on a sea of aging and we’re left, sexless and neutered, to hold hands at sunset.

Our options, we’re told, are either to accept the fizzling of our desire for sex or to fight against it, to invest our time, attention and even our money in “keeping the spark alive”.

Well, it turns out every part of that narrative is not merely wrong, but wrongheaded. A lot of books about sex in long-term relationships are about “keeping the spark alive”, and they too are wrongheaded. They’re so 20th century, with their rigid gender scripts and cringingly oversimplified ideas about sex and evolution.

I call this mess of wrongheadedness the desire imperative. The desire imperative says:

  • At the start of a sexual and/or romantic relationship, we should feel a “spark”, a spontaneous, giddy craving for sexual intimacy with our (potential) partner that might even feel obsessive.
  • The sparky desire we’re supposed to feel at the beginning of a relationship is the correct, best, healthy, normal kind of desire, and if we don’t have it, then we don’t have anything worth having.
  • If we have to put any preparation or planning into our sex lives, then we don’t want it “enough”.
  • If our partner doesn’t just spontaneously want us, out of the blue, without effort or preparation, on a regular basis, they don’t want us “enough”.

The desire imperative puts desire at the center of our definition of sexual well-being. It says there is only one right way to experience desire, and without that, nothing else matters. And so people worry about sexual desire. If desire changes or it seems to be missing, people worry that there’s something very wrong. It’s the most common reason couples seek sex therapy.

Here’s the irony of the desire imperative: does all that worry about “spark” make it easier to want and like sex? On the contrary, worry mainly puts sex further out of reach.

But there’s an alternative: center pleasure.

Desire is not what matters. Not “passion”, not “keeping the spark alive”.

Pleasure is what matters.

Center pleasure, because great sex over the long term is not how many orgasms you have or even how enthusiastically you anticipate sex, but how much you like the sex you are having.

Great sex over the long term is not how many orgasms you have but how much you like the sex you are having.

Spontaneous desire v responsive desire

A simple place to start changing how we think about desire and pleasure is understanding what sex researchers and therapists say about desire. They call the “spark” of the desire imperative “spontaneous desire”, and it is one of the normal ways to experience sexual desire, but it is not associated with great sex in a long-term relationship.

They also describe “responsive desire”, which is not a “spark” feeling but rather an openness to exploring pleasure and seeing where it goes. It often shows up as “scheduled” sex, where you plan ahead, prepare, groom, get a babysitter and then show up. You put your body in the bed, you let your skin touch your partner’s skin, and your body wakes up! It says: “Oh, right! I really like this! I really like this person!” Where spontaneous desire emerges in anticipation of pleasure, responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure.

Both are normal and neither is better than the other … but it’s responsive desire that is associated with great sex over the long term.

Not “passion”, not “spark”, but pleasure, trust and mutuality. That’s the fundamental empirical reason to center pleasure over spark.

Pleasure is sensation in context

Pleasure is the measure of sexual well-being – that is, whether or not you like the sex you are having.

So, what even is pleasure?

Well. Does a sensation feel good? How good? Does it feel bad? How bad?

That’s the whole thing. Pleasure is the simplest thing in the world, in the sense of declaring whether a sensation feels good or not. Next time you’re eating your very favorite food, notice what that pleasure is like – the food’s appearance, its texture, aroma and flavor. Notice what pleasure does to your body. Pleasure is simple …

But that doesn’t mean it’s always easy. We’ve been lied to about the nature of pleasure, just as we’ve been lied to about the nature of desire. We’ve been told that sexual pleasure is supposed to be easy and obvious, and if it’s not easy and obvious, then there’s something wrong. For some people, experiencing pleasure is like finding Waldo: so frustrating that you start to wonder why you’re even looking.

We’ve been told that pleasure comes from being touched in the right place, in the right way, by the right person, and if that touch, in that place, by that person, feels good some of the time but not other times, that’s a problem. These lies show up in movies and romance novels and porn, where the main characters may be running away from the villain or even just exhausted and overwhelmed by life, but Partner A touches the magic spot on Partner B’s body and it doesn’t matter what else is going on, Partner B’s knees melt and their genitals tingle.

If that’s how pleasure works for you, cool.

For the rest of us, pleasure isn’t about the right place on your body touched in the right way. It’s the right place, the right way, by the right person, at the right time, in the right external circumstances and the right internal state. In short: it’s sensation in the right context.

“Context” means both your internal state and your external circumstances.

A simple example of this is tickling. Tickling is not everyone’s favorite (though it is some people’s favorite!), but you can imagine a scenario where partners are already turned on, in a trusting, playful, erotic situation, and Partner A tickles Partner B and it feels good! But if those same partners are in the middle of an argument about, say, money, and Partner A tries to tickle Partner B, will that feel good? Or would Partner B feel more like punchin’ somebody in the nose than snuggling?

Any sensation may feel good, great, spectacular, just OK or terrible, depending on the context in which you experience it.

Pleasure is a shy animal. We can observe it from a safe distance, but if we approach too fast, it will run. If we try to capture it, it will panic. You have to build trust with your pleasure before it will allow you to observe it closely.

Pleasure happens when we feel safe enough. Trusting enough, healthy enough, welcome enough, at low-enough risk. Everyone’s threshold for “enough” is different, and it changes from situation to situation. But when we create that safe-enough context, our brains have the capacity to interpret any sensation as pleasurable.

Pleasure is not desire (though desire can be pleasurable)

Pleasure and desire are different systems in the brain. At the level of the emotional, mammalian brain, desire is known as “wanting” or “incentive salience”, and pleasure is discussed as “liking” or hedonic impact.

“Wanting”, in the brain, is a vast network of dopamine-related circuitry that mediates how motivated we are to pursue a goal. “Liking”, by contrast, is a set of smaller “hedonic hot spots” where opioids and endocannabinoids mediate how good a sensation feels.

Pleasure is stillness, savoring what’s happening in the moment. Desire is forward movement, exploring to create something that doesn’t currently exist.

Pleasure is a perception of a sensation. Desire is motivation toward a goal.

In a sense, pleasure is satisfaction and desire is dissatisfaction, because pleasure is enjoying an experience, while desire is motivation to pursue something different.

Consider the “wanting” involved in continuous, joyless scrolling on social media. You’re searching for something you can’t name, maybe for the reward of, at last, finding something that makes you feel good or that even confirms your worst fears. You want … something. But you’re not enjoying it, you’re just following the urge to keep looking. Desire without pleasure.

So far, so simple.

Where it can get muddy is in how desire feels. Pleasure, by definition, feels good. Desire per se is more or less neutral; it’s the context that makes it feel good or bad. I think people confuse desire for pleasure because desire sometimes feels good. Once we recognize that desire can also feel bad, we begin to understand both how desire and pleasure are not the same thing and why pleasure is the one that really matters.

How sexual desire feels

Anticipation, expectation, craving, longing – these are all ways of experiencing desire that can feel delightful and even ecstatic. But anticipation, expectation, craving and longing can also feel frustrating, irritating and annoying. Desire can be hope and optimism, but it can also be anxiety and fear.

Whether desire feels good or not depends on the context. All pleasure depends on the context.

If you have experienced desire, stop and recall a moment when it was pleasurable. Probably, the object of your desire, whether it was a lover or a new gadget or a tasty snack, seemed within reach, maybe you felt in control of whether or not you got what you wanted, maybe your desire was grounded in a promise someone made that filled you with anticipation.

The pleasurable version of spontaneous desire is, I think, why people get confused about the difference between pleasure and desire and why we might be convinced that “spontaneous” is the good, right, normal kind of desire. After all, it was “easy” – or at least, it happened out of nowhere – and it was fun.

But spontaneous sexual desire can feel terrible, too. Suppose you can’t figure out how to get closer to your object of desire, or the object of your desire is entirely out of reach or, worse, actively rejecting you, pushing you away. In that context, your ongoing desire can feel like a form of torture.

If you’ve wanted to want sex, you’ve experienced a different uncomfortable desire. Many people who struggle to let go of the “ideal” of spontaneous desire know how awful it feels to want something you can’t get, which is why it’s so important that we remind ourselves that it’s responsive desire, not spontaneous desire, that characterizes great sex over the long term. If you enjoy the sex you have, you’re already doing it right, and you’re allowed to stop trying to create spontaneous desire.

If we think only about the pleasurable experiences of desire, we end up using the words “pleasure” and “desire” more or less interchangeably. But they’re different; we know they’re different because of the brain science. And if pleasure always is pleasurable but desire is only sometimes pleasurable, doesn’t it make sense to center pleasure, and allow desire to emerge in contexts that maximize the chances that the desire will feel good?

Are you still worried about spontaneous desire?

If I wanted to spark controversy, I’d say there’s no such thing as a sexual desire problem, and all the news articles and think pieces and self-help books and medical research focused on a “cure” for low desire are irrelevant. The “cure” for low desire is pleasure. When we put pleasure at the center of our definition of sexual well-being, we eliminate any need to worry about desire.

But I’m not here for controversy, I’m here to make your sex life better. So I’ll just say: don’t sweat desire. If you’re worried about your partner’s low desire, ask them about pleasure. If you’re worried about your own low desire, talk to your partner about pleasure. Desire can be a fun bonus extra; it’s as important as simultaneous orgasms, which is to say, a neat party trick but not remotely necessary for a satisfying long-term sex life.

And yet. In my unscientific survey of a few hundred strangers, some people reported that what they want when they want sex is spontaneity:

“I hate talking about having sex before I have sex. Like if it can’t happen naturally, I kinda don’t want it.”

Oof, that word. “Naturally.”

If the idea of talking about sex, or making a plan before you have it, feels “unnatural”, I am here to acknowledge the reality that talking about sex might deflate spontaneous desire, but also to ask you to consider the possibility that planning sex can be part of the pleasure and that talking about sex is not just natural, it’s part of the erotic connection between you and a partner.

Pleasure happens when we feel safe enough, according to the author.

Maybe every sexual experience you’ve had in response to spontaneous desire has been better than any sex you’ve ever had in response to a plan. But did you really not plan before any of that great “spontaneous” sex? When you’re in a new or emerging relationship, do you not spend time daydreaming about a hot date, making plans for dinner or an adventure together, exchanging flirtatious texts, emails, phone calls, whispers? Hot-and-heavy, falling-in-love horniness is often accompanied by a lot of planning and preparation and, yes, even talking about sex in advance. Do you not spend time getting ready for it, grooming, dressing carefully, making sure you smell good?

Is that … “natural”?

The myth that the “natural” way to have sex is for it to be spontaneously borne of mutual horniness, without having to talk about it or make a plan? That’s the desire imperative. The desire imperative insists that without spontaneous desire, we don’t want sex “enough”. If we have to plan it, there’s a problem.

But consider what our lives are like. We schedule large portions of our days, often weeks or even months in advance. We fill our calendars with work and school and family and friends and entertainment. We fill our bodies with stress and a sense of obligation to others and to ourselves. We impose modern exigencies that don’t even create adequate opportunity for natural sleep, much less unplanned yet mutually enthusiastic sex.

I don’t expect you to believe me right away. I know you’ve been taught to worry about desire. It might even feel troubling or problematic to say that desire doesn’t matter. Maybe you’re thinking: What could you possibly mean, Emily, to not worry about not wanting it and just enjoy it instead? Are you telling me to enjoy sex I don’t want???

On the contrary! I’m saying: Imagine a world where all of us only ever have sex we enjoy. And anything we don’t enjoy, we just don’t do! We don’t do it, and – get this – we don’t worry about not doing it! When we put pleasure at the center of our definition of sexual well-being, sex we don’t like is never even on the table.

Complete Article HERE!

She Wrote a Best Seller on Women’s Sex Lives.

— Then Her Own Fell Apart.

The sex educator Emily Nagoski’s new book on maintaining intimacy in long-term relationships began at home.

By Catherine Pearson

A decade ago, as the sex educator Emily Nagoski was researching and writing her first book, “Come as You Are” — a soon-to-be best seller exploring the science of women’s sexuality — she and her husband stopped having sex.

Nagoski began appearing everywhere, reassuring women that their sexuality was not a problem that needed to be solved or treated. She talked to the author Glennon Doyle and her wife, the soccer player Abby Wambach, about body image and shame on their podcast. She published a workbook to help women better understand their sexual temperament and sexual cues. Her TED Talks have been viewed millions of times.

But at home, she and her husband, Rich Stevens — a cartoonist whom she met on the dating site OkCupid in 2011 — were cycling in and out of monthslong sexual dry spells stemming from work stress and health problems. When I spoke to Nagoski at her cozy house in Easthampton, Mass., in the fall, and then again over the phone in January, she declined to offer specifics on just how long their droughts lasted. (She did not want people to compare themselves.) But she did not hold back about how they made her feel.

“Stressed. Depressed. Anxious. Lonely. Self-critical,” Nagoski, 46, said. “Like, how can I be an ‘expert’ — and I say that with heavy, heavy air quotes — and still be struggling in this way?”

After all, Nagoski had written the book on women and desire. She popularized the metaphor of the sexual response system as a car with an accelerator (that notices erotic stimuli) and brakes (that notice all of the reasons not to have sex. Like chores. Or a new baby. Or, just, patriarchy). When women struggle with arousal and pleasure, she explained in “Come as You Are,” it isn’t because the accelerator isn’t being stimulated; it’s usually because the brakes are being pushed too hard. Her talent was not for producing original research — this dual control model of sexual response, for instance, is not her idea — but she had a knack for sifting through the science to uncover what she believed to be most relevant to women’s day-to-day lives, and finding simple ways to describe it.

“She often reminds people that they are whole, they are not broken,” said Debby Herbenick, the director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at the Indiana University School of Public Health, who went to graduate school with Nagoski.

However, Nagoski’s own fractured sex life left her full of self-doubt.

“I did my best to do what I tell other people to do, which is to turn toward what was happening with kindness and compassion,” she said, recognizing how cloying that advice can sound. “I tried to give myself permission to allow these things to be true. To recognize they would not always be true. And that I would move through this spell with more ease if I did not beat myself up.”

Like a true self-proclaimed “sex nerd,” Nagoski also dug into the science of what great sex looks like in a long-term relationship and how to cope when problems arise, which became the backbone of her new book, “Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections,” out later this month. At nearly 300 pages, with two appendices and 22 pages of notes and scientific references, it’s the product of an academic who loves data. But Nagoski, who earned a doctorate in health behavior and a master’s degree in counseling from Indiana University, is happy to give up what she thinks are the three secrets of partners with happy sex lives in the book’s introduction: 1. They are friends. 2. They prioritize sex. 3. They ignore outside opinions about what sex should look like and do what works for them.

“When I got done,” she said, “I had this whole book’s worth of advice we used to fight our way back to each other.”

Emily Nagoski sits on a yellow sofa in flower pajamas. Her husband and dog sit on a blue rug next to her.
The sex educator Emily Nagoski and her husband, Rich Stevens, established new rules to help their sex life flourish. One of them: Keep the dogs out of the bedroom during intimate moments.

‘Pleasure is the measure’

Nagoski believes that most people are hung up on the wrong metrics when it comes to sex. It isn’t about novelty or orgasms, nor is it about frequency. “People always want to know: How often does a typical couple have sex?” she said, sitting on her living room couch next to Stevens, 47, while one of their two rescue dogs, Thunder, napped between them. “Which is not a question that I answer, because it’s impossible to hear a number and not compare yourself to it.” (Also, she added, people seldom talk about the quality of said sex.)

Most of us are too fixated on libido — or on wanting to want to have sex — she said, which has caused a lot of unnecessary stress and insecurity. “Desire is the No. 1 reason people of all gender combinations seek sex therapy,” she said. “Even I need to be reminded that it’s not about desire. It’s about pleasure.”

It’s a somewhat surprising take from someone who has spent a lot of the past decade helping women better understand how desire actually works, banging the drum about the difference between spontaneous desire (the feeling of wanting sex out of the blue) and responsive desire (which arises in response to erotic stimuli). In other words, there’s nothing unsexy about planning or scheduling sex.

Nagoski has been a sex educator since the mid-90s. She worked for eight years as the director of wellness education at Smith College, before making the switch to writing and speaking full time in 2016. She has also built a brand that now includes a podcast, a newsletter with more than 30,000 subscribers and a growing social media presence, where she sometimes posts with a look-alike puppet named Nagoggles.

Much of what Nagoski preaches, she said, is a transformation of how most of us have been taught sex is supposed to work — that it is always pleasurable and easy.

“Pleasure only happens under really specific circumstances, and the 21st-century, postindustrial world doesn’t naturally create those circumstances very often,” she said. “We are all overwhelmed, exhausted, stressed. Like, of course you have to put effort into transitioning out of your everyday state of mind into a sexy state of mind.”

But in “Come Together,” Nagoski is arguing that desire is almost beside the point. “Center pleasure, because great sex over the long term is not about how much you want sex,” she writes, “it’s about how much you like the sex you’re having.”

Put more succinctly: “Pleasure is the measure.”

This concept may seem obvious to some, and Nagoski isn’t saying anything sex researchers don’t know. But Rosalyn Dischiavo, president of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists, who described Nagoski as both “delightfully geeky” and a “rock star” in the field, called it a “radical truth.”

“As sex educators, one of the most beautiful parts of our job — and one of the most frustrating parts of our job — is to ring that bell over and over and over again to wake people up and say, ‘Pleasure is good,’” she said. “‘Pleasure is healing.’”

A crop of half of Emily Nagoski's face, smiling, next to an image of her puppet who is also smiling.
Nagoski sometimes posts on social media using a look-alike puppet, Nagoggles

Taking her own advice

Nagoski knows that telling couples to “just access pleasure together” is easier said than done. For most people, herself included, a long list of things can hit their sexual brakes. In the past several years, she has dealt with perimenopause, a back injury, and then long Covid, which has caused severe vascular problems. For months, Nagoski could barely walk to her mailbox. And she is still healing.

In 2021, Nagoski was diagnosed with autism, after her therapist noted she was unusually relieved not to have to see or talk to others during the height of the pandemic. Around that time, she watched the Pixar short “Loop,” in which two teens, one of whom has autism and is nonverbal, learn to communicate on a canoe ride. “It’s just this six-minute, animated thing,” she said, as she teared up. Watching it, she realized, “I’m autistic.”

The diagnosis, Nagoski said, was an “enormous relief.” People on the autism spectrum are sometimes blunt and unfiltered, and the diagnosis helped to explain why she might be so good at what she does. “I think one of the reasons talking about sex is so easy for me is that I have not absorbed the same ‘shoulds’ in the same way,” she said.

“Come Together” is the first time Nagoski has publicly opened up about her sex life, a decision she initially felt ambivalent about. “Before I wrote the book, I wondered if revealing, like, ‘I, too, have struggled with desire in a long-term relationship’ would undercut my expertise.”

When asked what she and her partner did to move through their dry spells, Nagoski distilled it to this: First, she spent a lot of time talking to her therapist (whom she has seen for years) about how to speak to her husband about their issues in a way that felt loving and not accusatory. Next, before they tried initiating anything physical, the couple spent a lot of time talking about sex. Nagoski realized it was important to let Stevens be silly about their situation, she said. (Their inside jokes about his genitals can’t be repeated here.) It brought some levity to their conversations and helped them to realize how important playfulness is to their dynamic in the bedroom.

Last, she asked her husband to be more affectionate with her outside of sexual situations. Their sex life is hardly perfect now, though if she were not recovering from long Covid, Nagoski said, she would describe it as better than it has ever been.

They made small changes, too. The couple began closing the bedroom door so their dogs — who “want to be up on the bed with us,” Nagoski said — couldn’t interrupt sex. They also moved any intimate supplies they needed closer to the bed. The two were trying to eliminate every possible barrier and inconvenience.

But there are risks, Nagoski acknowledged, when couples start having conversations about what is not working in their sex lives. “None of us want to hurt our partner’s feelings,” she said. If a couple cannot navigate those talks on their own, or even bring themselves to start them, then, “yeah, therapy,” she said.

“It’s hard work,” she said of keeping sex going in a long-term relationship. “And you have to care. It isn’t necessary for survival. It’s not even necessary to have a spectacular life. I don’t require anyone on Earth to make any kind of change to their sex life if they don’t want to.”

But Nagoski said for her, “it’s a priority.” The couple now sees sex as a “project” they work on together, making time for it in their calendar.

“We talk about it more than we talk about what we’re going to have for dinner. I alter my schedule so that I don’t have anything that’s going to wipe me out so much that on our calendar day, I’m not going to have any energy left,” Nagoski said. She tries to give herself grace when it does not happen, like when she recently canceled a scheduled sex date because of a migraine.

“What matters,” she said, “is that you’re cocreating a context that makes it easy to access pleasure.”

Complete Article HERE!

6 astonishing penis facts they didn’t teach you in biology

We bet they didn’t teach you you’re erection is 30% longer than you can see

By

School biology lessons can sometimes be a case of a teacher trying to impart the basic facts about sex to a group of giggly teenagers.

And while the trusty basics are a great place to start, there is so much more about penises and erections that we bet they didn’t teach you.

Our sexual health is something we should be all clued up about and our favourite Dr Danae Maragouthakis, from Yoxly, an Oxford-based sexual health start-up, is an Instagram doctor who knows all their is to know about our genitals.

We’ve already covered penis misconceptions, now it’s the time for the hard facts…

There are three types of erection

If you get an erection you may not think much about how you actually became aroused.

But, when your penis gets hard there are actually three different categories of erection it can fall into.

A bunch of bananas with one banana sticking up, suggestive of an erection
There are three different types of erections men can have

A subconscious erection is the first type. These hard ons usually occur when you’re dreaming – you won’t need physiological or physical stimulations.

Psychogenic erections are the result of sexual fantasies either fulfilled in reality or in porn, where your body responds to visual stimuli.

The third and final type of erection is the reflexogenic erection. This is an erection which happens because of direct physical stimulation to the penis.

You don’t need an erection to orgasm

We usually associate an orgasm with an erection but you don’t necessarily need to be hard to finish.

So if you can’t get it up, that doesn’t mean you can’t sometimes still have a satisfying end to getting it on.

Some people can experience an orgasm without being fully erect, while some men have reported being able to orgasm with just their prostate being massaged.

Penile stimulation isn’t always a necessity.

Up to half your erection is hidden

Your penis is actually a lot longer than it looks
Your penis is actually a lot longer than it looks

Men, your penis is actually a lot longer than it looks.

About 30% of the tissues that make up the male erection are internal, so you can’t see it from the outside.

This means a third or even up to a half of your hard on is hidden.

Penises have penile spines

Don’t panic, your penis doesn’t actually have spines! But, while humans don’t have penile spines, plenty of closely related animals do.

These spines are pointed, keratinised structures found in the genitalia of several animals, which may help to induce ovulation or enhance sensation during sexual activity.

Our distant relative – the chimpanzee – has penile spines, as well as cats, bats and cute fluffy koalas down under.

Myth: The penis is a muscle

Wrong.

Danae tells Metro.co.uk: ‘Some people believe that the penis is a muscle that can be exercised to increase size or improve sexual performance.

‘The penis is not a muscle. It looks like muscle because it gets hard when it fills with blood when it gets an erection but it’s actually made predominantly of spongey tissue and blood vessels.

‘When someone fractures their penis, they break the blood vessels that run in the penis and tear the soft tissue. It’s incredibly painful and really dangerous, that’s a medical emergency.

‘Seek medical attention immediately because if you compromise the blood flow to those tissues, they can die.’

Beetroot and oysters could give you better erections

Dr Danae also said that consuming foods that are high in Nitric Oxide can help blood flow, thus improving your erections.

Foods high in Nitric Oxide are dark chocolate, beets, garlic, watermelon and leafy green veggies.

You might finally have a reason to try oysters too! Foods that are high in zinc are important for good testosterone levels and sperm production.

This includes the divisive shellfish, as well as beef, chicken, nuts and beans.

As seems to be the rule of thumb for every part of your body, drinking plenty of water means you’ll be hydrated and promote healthy blood flow, which can only be good for your erections.

Beetroot and leafy greens could help give you better erections
Beetroot and leafy greens could help give you better erections

Smoking-related erectile dysfunction can be reversed

While there is a misconception that smoking can actually shrink your penis there is no scientific evidence to that point.

However, this doesn’t mean the effects of smoking on your body don’t take their toll on your sexual performance and satisfaction.

What you probably did learn in biology is that smoking constricts your blood flow, but they may not have touched upon the fact that means you won’t always get sufficient blood flow to your genitals.

Complete Article HERE!