What to know about mismatched sex drives

People in a relationship may differ in how much sex they want. Mismatched sex drives are common but may cause a strain in a relationship if the couple does not learn to manage their differences

by Rachel Ann Tee-Melegrito

Every couple experiences situations where one person’s sexual needs do not align with their partner’s. These situations are called sexual interdependence dilemmas.

Mismatched sex drives, or sex drive discrepancy (SDD), is the most common of these situations.

A 2017 study even found that around 34% of women and 15% of men report having no interest in sex at all.

This article explores mismatched sex drives, what causes the issue, how it can affect relationships, and what couples can do to manage the situation.

Sex drive is the motivation or desire to behave sexually or engage in sexual activities.

Also called libido, sexual desire is an aspect of a person’s sexuality. It varies from person to person. There is no such thing as a normal sex drive. People’s interest in and desire for sex is different and may change over time.

Sex drive mismatch is when one person experiences more or less sexual desire compared with their partner.

Author and researcher Emily Nagoski notes two types of sexual desire in her book.

Spontaneous sexual desire

As the name implies, this form of desire happens randomly, with or without stimulation. This desire supports the linear view of sexuality that begins with desire, followed by excitement, finally leading to orgasm.

Nagoski states that around 70% of men have this type of sexual desire while only about 10–20% of women do.

Responsive sexual desire

Some people experience desire as a response to mental or physical stimulation, not from the anticipation of it. Compared with spontaneous desire, responsive sexual desire is more deliberate.

It occurs after an external stimulus, such as watching a kissing scene on television or a partner touching them. This causes a person to feel a desire for sex.

People’s sex drives tend to wax and wane. Many factors can affect sex drive.

Medical factors

Conditions that affect a person’s hormones, including pregnancy and menopause, can cause changes in a female’s libido.

Similarly, males produce less testosterone as they age, which can cause a decline in their sex drives.

Some may have conditions that indirectly affect libido, such as depression. Hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) is when a person lacks the desire or motivation to have sex.

Taking certain medications such as beta-blockers and antidepressants can also negatively affect a person’s libido.

Aside from medical reasons, other factors can affect a sex drive of a person in a long-term relationship, as outlined in a 2018 systematic reviewTrusted Source.

Individual factors

These are factors that reside within the person that can affect sex drive. The following may cause sex drive to change over time:

  • level of attraction
  • understanding among couples that sexual desires fluctuate
  • feelings of having a separate identity from the couple’s identity
  • self-esteem and confidence

Stress and fatigue may negatively impact sex drives.

Interpersonal factors

These are factors that exist within the context of long-term relationships. They include:

  • the couple’s responsiveness to each other
  • perceived compatibility
  • communication
  • relationship satisfaction

The 2018 reviewTrusted Source also mentioned that sexual desire decreases as the relationship lengthens, but this was only true for women. Emotional intimacy also increases desire, and higher levels of intimacy reduce the likelihood of having low desire.

Monotony and being overfamiliar with a partner dampen sexual desire.

Societal factors

These are societal influences that affect a couple’s sexual desire. These include gender expectations, expectations for couples to participate equally in the relationship, and sexual attitudes that people may consider taboo.

When people do not address mismatched sex drives, it may lead to an unpleasant relationship dynamic.

Partners with high sex drives who repeatedly experience rejection may develop low self-esteem and resentment toward their partners, while the people with low sex drives may feel guilty, overwhelmed, and pressured.

A 2015 study suggests that sex drive discrepancy negatively affects sexual and relational satisfaction. However, these outcomes might be more pronounced in people in long-term relationships compared with those in short-term ones.

Low sexual satisfaction seems to have a compounding effect on overall satisfaction. While high sexual satisfaction reported by couples contributes to 15–20%Trusted Source of their overall satisfaction, reports of low sexual satisfaction in couples contribute to 50–70%Trusted Source of their overall satisfaction.

Couples can consider several tips and strategies to reduce the discrepancy and improve their sex lives.

Be comfortable talking about sex

While sex can be a sensitive subject, especially when there is a mismatch in libido, talking about it is essential. Respectfully communicating about each other’s feelings, insecurities, desires, and the reason for the low desire can lead to a better understanding of the issue.

Be understanding

Even if a partner does not understand the other person’s experience or situation, showing empathy through validation, listening, and withholding judgment can help couples navigate the mismatch better.

Having a safe space where couples can freely talk about their differences without being critical or defensive can help rekindle the spark.

Make compromises

Sometimes, some people are just not as sexual as their partners. A person with low libido can meet their partner halfway by still engaging in sex despite having a low sex drive.

A 2015 study found that partners with high communal strength or those who are motivated to care about and be more responsive to their partners reported enhanced sexual and relationship satisfaction.

However, couples willing to compromise are not restricted to sex. They can also consider alternatives.

In a 2020 studyTrusted Source on couples’ strategies for dealing with differences in sexual desire, masturbation is the most common strategy reported by participants.

Other alternatives to penetrative sex include oral sex, manual stimulation, and using sex toys on each other. Couples can also engage in activities that may trigger desire, such as watching intimate movies together.

Redefine sex

Many couples think that sex is limited to penetration.

However, oral sex and mutual masturbation are alternatives to penetration that couples can enjoy.

Schedule it

Life is hectic. Scheduling sex can help couples plan and work around their schedules, so there are no competing demands to worry about.

Planning sex can help map out the best time when both people have the most energy. It can also help build anticipation and ensure that both are physically, emotionally, and mentally ready for sex.

Set the tone

While sexual intercourse lasts only for a few minutes, the events beforehand are just as important. Aside from kissing and touching, everything else that happens before sex is part of foreplay.

Making pleasure and satisfaction a part of their whole day can help people’s bodies prepare for sexual pleasure.

Driving a partner to work, preparing their food, having a thoughtful conversation, and giving them compliments are just some of the things couples can do to set the mood.

Certified therapists and counselors can help people and couples manage mismatched libidos.

Couples can locate a certified counselor or therapist near them through the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists’ (AASECT) referral directory.

Alternatively, the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists has over 15,000 marriage and family therapists for married couples who require help with their relationships.

Couples may also try online platforms such as ReGain to seek couples counseling.

Complete Article HERE!

Not in the mood?

Study reveals how couples communicate when desire is low

by Blake Eligh

A new study from U of T Mississauga pulls back the covers to reveal how couples communicate when it comes to sex and desire.

The study by psychology researcher Rebecca Horne, co-authored with colleagues at UTM, York University and Carleton University, looks at how regulate expression of sexual desire, and what effect these tactics have on relationship well-being.

A Vanier Scholar and Ph.D. researcher, Horne studies how couples resolve through sacrifice, when one person gives up their own self-interest or for a partner, and what effect this has on the relationship.

Her ongoing work is a longitudinal study of the sacrifices couples make when relocating for the sake of a partner’s job. But, as Horne notes, partners make sacrifices for each other every day, including during our most intimate moments.

“The domain of sex is a primary area where couples can have these conflicts, and where sacrificing might be really important, especially because it’s a sensitive and vulnerable context for a lot of people,” Horne says.

According to Horne, regulating expression of desire is one form of sacrifice that we may make for our romantic partners.

“Romantic partners often regulate their emotions and affection to achieve certain goals, but we wanted to know more about how partners regulate their expression of sexual desire during sex and its implications for couples’ well-being,” she says.

Horne notes that we might regulate our emotions to achieve goals in everyday social interactions, like smiling at an annoying boss for the sake of workplace harmony or job retention.

In a romantic relationship, this could take the form of expressing fondness and warmth to a partner that’s not really in line with what we’re feeling in the moment, or hiding feelings of sexual disinterest from a partner or pretending to be more into a sexual experience than we really are.

These tactics might be employed to smooth over the kind of momentary blips in desire caused by a bad day at work, fatigue or distraction in the moment.

“These are ways that we modify our self-interest, presumably for the benefits of our partner,” Horne says, noting that research shows this happens as much as three times a week in a typical romantic relationship.

“We may think we are interacting authentically with our partners, but we do these regulatory strategies in subtle ways.”

But, as Horne notes, the result is a disconnect between what we are feeling inside, and what we are showing on the outside.

Dialing up desire, dampening disinterest

For the study, the researchers surveyed 225 couples, most in heterosexual long-term romantic relationships, to track the link between regulation of desire and relationship . Respondents kept individual 21-day diaries that tracked intimate relations, levels of desire and individual feelings of well-being and satisfaction.

The results showed people engaged in two kinds of primary regulatory tactics when desire was low: amplification of desire and suppression of disinterest.

Amplifying desire is about exaggeration to cover for low interest in sex. That could take the form of erotic talk, caresses or even faking an orgasm.

Suppression of disinterest is another common tactic, employed when a partner hides the fact that they’re not really interested in the experience, either in the moment or overall.

Horne says that a partner may conceal that they have lost interest during sex if they are fatigued or distracted, or if their partner isn’t attending to their sexual needs in the moment.

“When we use these strategies, we’re trying to change the way that we express emotion or desire to somebody after that emotion or desire has already been elicited,” Horne says. “These strategies can be really challenging because there’s a tension between what we’re feeling inside and what we’re showing when we’re not interested.”

Regulation and authenticity

“Not all sexual regulation strategies are created equal,” Horne says. “Even though they both involve altering expression of desire to our partner, they differ in outcome.”

Sexual authenticity appears to be the driver here. Those who employed these tactics reported feeling sexually inauthentic, which predicted lower satisfaction, both sexually and in the relationship.

“We found that there are drawbacks to these behaviors,” Horne says. “Our work suggests that both partners feel less satisfied with their sex lives on days when one partner amplified or exaggerated expressions of desire.”

The story is a little bit different for suppression tactics.

Those who hid their lack of desire reported feeling sexually inauthentic and detached from their own satisfaction, but it wasn’t always detrimental for their partners, who may have been convinced they were interested and engaged in the moment.

While suppressing disinterest can lead to in a partner’s higher satisfaction, it can undermine one’s own feelings of satisfaction.

“These things happen during sex, and they have implications for our satisfaction,” she says. “When we regulate these displays, it feels sexually inauthentic.”

Honest and clear communication

While all respondents reported engaging in regulation tactics occasionally, Horne says it’s important to notice if it becomes part of a pattern.

Being attuned to our partners while balancing our own sexual needs can circumvent the conflicts that might lead to regulation strategies, and can amp up satisfaction for both partners.

“If things aren’t feeling right during sex, you could try to reroute, or have an open conversation about the things you like and don’t like,” Horne advixes.

“Honest and clear sexual communication is really important, and seems to have more benefits for satisfaction.”

Complete Article HERE!

We’re having less sex because we’re too busy, not because of social media

Research suggests that adults and teenagers are having less sex now than 30 years ago. But is there more to the story, and why does it matter anyway?

 

By

Adults and young people in the US seem to be having less sex than previous generations, according to a study published in November 2021. As is often the case, mobile phones have been named as the cause of this change in behaviour, but is that really what’s going on?

This finding was based on data from the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior (NSSHB), comparing over 8,500 individuals responses from 2009 and 2018.

The results echoed a similar study in the UK, called the National Surveys of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal), which has been collecting information about the public’s sexual experiences for over three decades.

The Natsal researchers have found that with every survey, the average number of occasions of sex per week has decreased: in 1991, respondents said they had sex five times a month. In 2001, this was down to four times per month, and by 2012, the average number was three per month. Unfortunately, the fourth survey was postponed due to COVID-19, though the team hope to complete the study in 2022-23.

When asked if Brits are having less sex, Soazig Clifton, the academic director for Natsal at University College London, replied with “a resounding yes”. But it’s not just the case in the UK and the US. “If you look around the world, other comparable studies show a decrease as well. So, it seems to be a real international trend.”

Studies in Germany looking at sexual activity in men and women showed a decline from 2005 to 2016, which the researchers suggest could be due to “a reduced proportion of [individuals] living with a partner”. But Clifton says that extracting the data of only cohabiting couples, Natsal researchers still found a decrease in sexual activity over the three studies.

Both the Natsal UK study and the US NSSHB study split findings between adolescents and adults. Both found that the two groups were having less sex. For teens in particular, the US researchers found a significant difference in the instances of heterosexual sex – in 2009, 79 per cent of those between the ages 14-17 said they had not had sex in the past year. Nearly a decade later, 89 per cent of adolescents reported no sex.

Why aren’t the kids doing it?

Some have asked whether this could be down to young adults’ penchant (and perhaps preference) for social media and video gaming. Clifton warns that observational studies, like Natsal and NSSHB, “can’t easily answer the ‘why’ questions”.

“It is certainly theoretically plausible that people are spending so much time on their iPads and phones, connecting with others virtually rather than having sex with the person next to them,” says Clifton.

But it’s also possible that people feel more comfortable talking about sex now, compared with the 1990s, says Clifton. “Maybe people are more able to tell us that they’re not having sex. There is some statistical work we’ve done that shows we have a bit less reporting bias in our data. These decreases in biases would go along with the increased, more nuanced public conversation about sex.” However, Clifton explains this wouldn’t solely account for such a striking trend, though admits it might be part of the problem.

The idea that we are too busy – with phones, games or life in general – has been the subject of smaller, qualitative work by the Natsal. “The researchers worked with middle-aged women,” says Clifton. “And something that came up in that research was that women were too tired for sex. They had so much else going on in their life.”

“We looked at the first lockdown, which was particularly restrictive, and the impact on sex lives was really different for different groups of people.” The Natsal-COVID study showed that for people living with a partner, the frequency of sex was roughly the same as before the lockdown.

“In fact, most people didn’t report a change in their satisfaction with their sex lives. Some people say to me, ‘everyone will be having more sex because they were locked in a house together’. It’s just not the case.

“However, we were more likely to see a decline in frequency and satisfaction amongst people not living with partners, and amongst young people,” says Clifton.

Satisfaction, not frequency, is key, says Clifton. Prior to the pandemic, Natsal researchers found that most people believed others were having more frequent sex than they were having themselves. This misalignment could cause dissatisfaction in itself, one Natsal researcher wrote.

Why does it matter how much sex people are having?

“It’s part of the picture of understanding society, along with other areas of health and behaviours in our population,” says Clifton.

“Sometimes [sexual activity] gets dismissed as being less important than other aspects of people’s lives. For some people, it’s a really important part of their life.”

These studies are even more important in countries with related problems, like declining birth rates. “Some of the countries who have also seen the decline in sex are quite worried about their declining birth rate – understanding patterns of sexual behaviour and frequency of sex are an important part of that puzzle.

“The Natsal study covers a wide range of topics related to sexual health, much more than just how often people are having sex. We cover things like nonconsensual sex, STIs, and different reproductive health outcomes.”

In the UK, Clifton says that there are those that would like to be having more sex, though most participants who reported having no sex in the past year said they were not dissatisfied with their sexual lives. For couples and the importance of sex for sustaining relationships, Clifton says there is some evidence it’s quality, not quantity, that matters.

“We don’t need to be worried about whether our relationship is going to fall apart [because of it].”

In fact, 25 per cent of men and women who are in a relationship reported that they do not share the same level of interest in sex as their partner. What we see in the media, Clifton says, is a misrepresentation of what’s normal in terms of sex. Instead of making people feel bad about their sex lives, understanding averages can help us feel happier with what we’ve got, three times a month.

Complete Article HERE!

#1 Way To Fix Low Libido

By Colette Malan

Do you struggle with low sexual desire? If so, you’re not alone. While trying to figure out what women really want, the research found that about one-third of the women in the United States have low sexual desire.

There’s a surefire way to increase your libido, though, and it’s easier than you may think: have more sex!

As you try to understand your own sexual desire, there are a handful of things to consider.

The first is that there are very real biological components affecting a women’s sexual desire. For example, women have 20-40 percent less testosterone than men.

Testosterone is the hormone that gives men that compelling sex drive, and because women have so much less than men, it’s easy to see why our sex drive is less enthusiastic compared to that of a normal guy.

But it’s not just the hormones themselves that work against our sex drive; it’s also the frequency of their distribution in our blood that has an effect.

For most men, these distributions are consistently frequent, like the sun’s rising and setting.

The testosterone in their bloodstream spikes about every 15 minutes, supporting an ever-ready libido. It’s a completely different scenario for women. A woman’s libido is more like the moon in its cyclical nature.

Like the moon, our hormone pattern spans a 28-day cycle, in which the hormones and our sex drive differ throughout the month. 

Depending on our hormones on any given day, a woman’s libido may be optimal, like a full moon. Some days it may be only operating at half-speed. There are also days when it’s like a new moon and reduced down to nothing.

This is why our moods and sex drive are inconsistent and often frustrating for both ourselves and our partners.

The bottom line is that the very fact that you are a woman gives you a sexual drive disadvantage as compared to men — right from the starting gate.

For many women, there is also a myriad of other biological, psychological, and relationship factors that contribute to inhibiting a healthy sexual desire.

But all is not lost! While it feels unfair, as a sex therapist and a woman who once had low sexual desire herself, I’m here to tell you I have figured out the secrets on how to increase it.

In fact, the truth is that once a woman figures out how to access her own sex drive, she will discover that many women actually have a stronger, more limitless sexual capacity than men! We just have to know how to tap into our sexual potential.

To ignite your own sexual desire, you have to begin by having more sex. And yes, for many I know this seems counterintuitive, but the truth is, to kick start your own desire you need to start having sex.

From this place, it becomes easier to engage your libido… and a healthier dose of desire comes from there.

Feeling skeptical? Here are a few reasons why having more sex will increase your sexual desire:

Sex is like exercise.

If you haven’t exercised for a long time and you’re out of shape, your first day back at the gym may be hell. It won’t feel good and it will be hard. But if you ignore your resistance and keep working out, your body will kick back into gear. After a while, you’ll start to feel really good. Sex operates the same way. If you haven’t been sexual for a while, it will be hard to get going again. But once you get those feel-good endorphins kicked back in, you’ll be glad you stayed with it.

We all know that having sufficient sex hormones is essential for having sexual desire. But one thing you probably aren’t aware of is that having sex actually increases those hormones. Crazy, but true.

Complete Article HERE!

Partnered sex of all kinds declines in United States, IU study finds

Basic RGB

Sexual frequency is declining in the United States, according to a study by Indiana University researchers.

“Our study adds to a growing body of research that has reported on declines in sex,” said Tsung-chieh “Jane” Fu, a research associate at the IU School of Public Health-Bloomington who co-led the study. “The declines in partnered sexual activity seen in our study are consistent with findings from studies in the U.K., Australia, Germany and Japan.”

Debby Herbenick, a professor of sexual and reproductive health at the School of Public Health who also co-led the study, said the decreases are likely caused by several factors.

“The decreases are not easily explained by a single shift, such as health status, technology, access to pornography or stress,” Herbenick said. “There are likely multiple reasons for these changes in sexual expression, and we need more research to understand how these changes may be related to changes in relationships, happiness and overall well-being.”

The study of sexual frequency is particularly important in light of the COVID-19 pandemic’s impacts on relationships, Herbenick said. Declining sexual activity among adults has consequences for human fertility and health — consequences that have been exacerbated by pandemic-era restrictions.

Published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, the study is the first to include such a comprehensive assessment of diverse sexual behaviors. The information came from U.S. participants ages 14 to 49 during the 2009 and 2018 waves of the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, a confidential nationally representative survey conducted online. A total of 1,647 adolescents ages 14 to 17 and 7,055 adults ages 18 to 49 were included.

“The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior includes detailed data on a variety of sexual behaviors, so we could examine more precisely whether declines in vaginal intercourse might be explained by increases in other sexual behaviors, such as oral sex,” Herbenick said. “However, we found that was not the case. Rather, we found that from 2009 to 2018, fewer adults engaged in a range of partnered sexual activities. We were also surprised to find that, among adolescents, both partnered sex and solo masturbation had declined.”

Compared to adult participants in the 2009 survey, adults in the 2018 group were significantly more likely to report no penile-vaginal intercourse in the prior year, the researchers found. Study participants were also significantly less likely to report engaging in any other sexual behaviors examined in the study, such as oral sex or anal sex. All modes of past-year partnered sex were reported by fewer people in the 2018 cohort.

“More studies are needed to understand if this decline is associated with the emergence of other types of sexual activities in recent years, such as the adverse impact of what some people call aggressive or rough sex,” Fu said.

The study’s findings regarding sexual frequency declines among adolescents are particularly notable, according to Herbenick. The proportion of adolescents reporting neither solo masturbation nor partnered sexual behavior increased from 28% of young men and 49% of young women in 2009 to 43% of young men and 74% of young women in 2018.

“Many studies haven’t included those under age 16 or 18, so our study expands what we know about younger adolescent behavior and how we think about adolescent sexual development,” Herbenick said.

The researchers noted that a number of cultural and social changes may be affecting young people’s sexual behavior, including widespread internet access, decreased alcohol use, increased conversations around sexual consent, and more contemporary young people identifying with non-heterosexual identities, including asexual identities.

While the current findings will help inform the work of sexual health researchers, clinicians and educators, Herbenick said she hopes the study also will open up new investigations into areas such as people’s feelings about their sexual lives and how those feelings may shape subsequent choices about sex.

Complete Article HERE!

I Have a Higher Libido Than My Partner

—How Can I Be Both Supportive and Satisfied?

By Rebecca Alvarez Story

Question

In recent years, my partner and I have grown to have mismatched sex drives. Now, I have a higher libido than my partner, and while I want to be supportive and certainly don’t want them to feel pressured to have sex, I do wonder if there’s anything I can do to help rejuvenate their interest. Regardless of their libido, though, how can I make sure that I’m still satisfied within my confines of my relationship?

Answer

Mainstream society has grown to idealize fiery relationships denoted by passionate partners who can’t keep their hands off each other. The truth is, though, that libido fluctuates every day, and the chances that one’s libido will always match the level of their partner is quite slim. In fact, one of the most common issues couples face in relationships is mismatched libidos. Often, partners adapt to this reality and find a balance that works for them. Other times, though, mismatched libidos can snowball into bigger issues full of frustration, guilt, and resentment.

In particular, people with a higher libido than their partner tend to feel as if their needs are not being met, shame that they want sex more often or rejection when sex is off the table. By contrast, people with lower libido than their partner tend to feel frustrated, pressured, and anxious about their desire not being on par with their partner. Thankfully, though, a mismatched libido is a solvable issue so long as everyone involved is willing to be honest, empathetic, and to prioritize the relationship.

Being on either side of the sex drive seesaw can be frustrating, but let’s consider ways the partner with the higher sex drive can be both supportive and satisfied.

1. Access their stressors

Before you can begin addressing intimacy concerns, take inventory of what is going on in your partner’s life. The partner with the lower sex drive may be contending with a combination of libido-compromising stressors. Some of these lifestyle or health factors may include high stress, medications, chronic health issues, work demands, mental illness, family responsibilities, financial strain, or lack of sleep.

Now, what can you do about it? Well, if you know, for instance, that your partner is stressed, consider how you might be able to help them to feel better. Communicate that your intention is always to help them feel good in order to show that you’re not just trying to address your own sexual desires. Simple acts of support—like offering to cook breakfast for the week, taking a walk together at lunch or allowing them to sleep in on the weekend—can help revitalize their overall mood.

If your partner is going through a change that is more permanent than a period of stress, consider building support into your daily routine. Depending on the severity of the issue, you’ll want to pace yourself and be consistent in your support in a way that feels manageable to you.

2. Rate your sex drives

One easy way to begin healthy sexual communication on this topic is for each person in the relationship to rate their sex drive from one to 10 and explain their ranking. For the partner with the higher drive, make sure you actively listen to why your partner describes the number they share. Regardless of whether your numbers are very different or not too far from each other, use this exercise as an opportunity to empathize with your partner and try to understand their perspective.

3. Expand your definition of sex

Consider this an invitation to unlearn bad sex ed, including unhealthy myths that sex (only) means penetration and that orgasm is always the end goal. Now is a good time to expand your definition and expectations of what diverse pleasure can mean. To do so, have partner write down 10 intimate activities that they enjoy doing with their partner and 10 intimate things they’d like to try. Share the lists with one another and allow it to be the starting ground for an expanded list of acts all parties can enjoy together.

4. Try breathwork together

A few moments before bed, or when you both have downtime together, face one another and take deep breaths together. Unwinding together can help you both feel at ease next to each other. Gently reminding your partner with a lower libido to connect in breath with you allows you both to feel more synced.

5. Don’t forget you-time

While you are working on intimacy in your relationship, do not forget to build intimacy with yourself. Ideas that a partner should “fulfill you” or that they must be your sole source of pleasure aren’t healthy and put too much pressure on one person. You should be a primary part of your pleasure equation and spend time exploring and enjoying your body alone, regardless of your relationship status. Some ideas to bring more pleasure to your life can include full-body massages in the shower, a lunchtime masturbation session or a date night alone in your room with aromatherapy, music, and your favorite toys.

6. Throwback dates

Sometimes, the easiest solution for couples struggling with mismatched libidos is to go back to the basics. Many couples get stuck in a routine and don’t plan out date nights together the way they may have early on in the relationship. There’s no need to reinvent the wheel here, either. Instead, book consistent date nights and hit up old spots you used to enjoy together. Having dedicated time to look forward to helps build desire before the dates; meanwhile, spending quality time together on the dates helps you reconnect more intimately.

7. Work with a professional

It can be scary navigating intimacy concerns with your partner. Whether you are new to the relationship or are in a committed, long-term partnership, working with a professional can be a source of comfort. Sex therapists, sexologists, and intimacy experts are trained to help you talk about difficult topics and guide you on how to reach your goals together. There may also be instances where the best option for the relationship may not be one you have been open to before. Consider working with an expert if you want support navigating mismatched libidos.

Complete Article HERE!

Is It Normal to Experience Loss of Desire After a Vasectomy?

by James Roland

A vasectomy is a minor surgical procedure that blocks sperm from mixing with semen. This prevents someone with a penis from getting someone pregnant.

It’s a common method of contraception that about 500,000 men in the United States choose every year. You may still wonder if a vasectomy hurts since it requires incisions in the scrotum.

Like any type of surgery, there is the likelihood of some pain and discomfort. However, vasectomy pain is usually minor, temporary, and easily treated.

A vasectomy is a relatively quick and simple procedure that’s performed by a urologist. It may be done in a urologist’s office, or at a hospital or surgery center.

Because the goal of a vasectomy is to be sterile, it’s a procedure that requires careful consideration — not just about the nature of the surgery and recovery, but what it means for the future.

It’s also important to remember that a vasectomy should have no long-term impact on sexual function.

Procedure

A vasectomy is usually performed with local anesthesia, but it may be done under full sedation. If you’re especially nervous about this procedure — or if another surgery is being done at the same time — then full sedation may be appropriate.

Prior to the surgery, your scrotal area will be prepped by shaving and cleaning it with an antiseptic wash. You may be asked to shave that area around the scrotum — but not the scrotum itself — the night before your procedure.

If you’re having local anesthesia, you’ll receive a shot in the scrotum, which numbs the area and prevents pain. The injection will hurt a little, but soon you won’t feel any pain. You may be able to sense tension or movement during the surgery, but no pain.

During a conventional vasectomy, the doctor will make two small incisions in the scrotum to access the vas deferens.

After the incisions are made, the urologist will cut the ends of each of two vas deferens and tie them off or place tissue where the cuts were made. This blocks sperm from flowing up through the vas deferens.

Another method, called cautery, may be used instead of dividing the vas deferens. The surgeon will burn the inside of the vas deferens with a special tool to promote scar tissue formation.

Dissolvable stitches may be used to close the incisions. In some cases, no stitches are used and the scrotum is allowed to heal on its own. The entire procedure takes about 20 minutes, and after a brief recovery period, you can go home the same day.

Once the anesthesia wears off, you can expect some pain in your scrotum. You may notice some slight swelling and bruising. These reactions should last only a few days. After that, your scrotum should look as it did before your vasectomy.

To help treat the pain, wear snug (but not too tight) underwear to restrict your testicles from moving too much.

An ice pack may also help. Many people opt for something more flexible that will fit around the scrotum, such as a bag of frozen peas. Over-the-counter pain relievers may also help during those first few days.

You should avoid heavy physical exertion for about a week. You may be able to have sexual intercourse after a few days, but if you experience pain or discomfort, wait a week or until you are symptom-free.

Be sure to listen to instructions from your doctor about aftercare, and ask questions if you need clarity.

Follow-up

Pregnancies after vasectomies are rare — only about 1 to 2 women out of 1,000 get pregnant within a year after a partner’s vasectomy. But it’s important to follow up your procedure by having a semen sample checked for sperm.

This is usually done about 8 weeks or 20 ejaculations after the vasectomy. During that time, you’ll want to use an alternative form of contraception.

You’ll need to follow up with your doctor after a vasectomy makes sure that the procedure was successful. Other than that, there’s not normally a need to keep following up.

The pain you feel in the hours and days right after a vasectomy should gradually fade, but if you notice the pain getting worse, notify your doctor. The same is true if you notice swelling that doesn’t subside.

Bleeding complications are rare, but if you notice bleeding from the incision, call your doctor. If you see pus coming from that area or experience a fever over 100°F (37.78°C), don’t hesitate to call your doctor, as these may be signs of an infection.

In 1 to 2 percentTrusted Source of vasectomies, a rare condition called post-vasectomy pain syndrome (PVPS) occurs.

PVPS is defined as scrotal pain that is constant or intermittent over a period of at least 3 months. In many cases, the pain flares up during or after sexual activity, or after vigorous physical activity.

You may also experience pain, which may be sharp or throbbing, without any activity triggering it. Sometimes, PVPS appears soon after a vasectomy, but it may also develop months or even years later.

The causes of PVPS aren’t yet well understood, but they may include:

  • nerve damage
  • pressure within the scrotum
  • scar tissue affecting the vas deferens
  • epididymitis, which is an inflammation of the epididymis

Treatment

One way to treat PVPS is with a vasectomy reversal, which restores the ability to have children.

One 2017 studyTrusted Source suggests that vasectomy reversal is the most “logical” solution to PVPS, assuming that scar tissue or other obstruction in the vas deferens is the cause of pain. While uncommon, surgery to free an entrapped nerve may also be an option.

In recent years, an alternative to traditional vasectomies has become popular. It’s known as a no-scalpel vasectomy.

This involves a small poke in the scrotum to open it up just enough to pull the vas deferens through. A cut is made of the vas deferens, which are then allowed to retreat back through the hole.

The recovery time is shorter for a scalpel-free vasectomy, and the risk of bleeding problems and complications is lower compared to a conventional vasectomy.

The scalpel-free approach is newer, and recommended by the American Urological Association. Many newer urologists will have training in this technique.

Though a vasectomy is a procedure performed on an especially sensitive part of the body, it’s not an operation that causes a lot of pain or lingering discomfort.

If you’re planning to have a vasectomy, just have some ice or a frozen bag of peas available when you get home, and relax for a few days. If you notice any complications or lingering pain, you should notify your doctor immediately.

Complete Article HERE!

A Simple Way For Couples To Know If They’re Having Enough Sex

By Kelly Gonsalves

Are we having enough sex?

If you’ve ever wondered this to yourself while in a relationship, you certainly wouldn’t be alone. Oftentimes the question comes up when there’s a feeling of disconnection in the relationship—a lack of excitement or “spark” between you—and a lack of sex may float to mind as a potential explanation.

But other times, people might feel pretty satisfied and content in their relationships, but outside influences—like hearing other people talk about how much or how little sex they’re having in their relationships—can make you start to question your own.

So we asked Jessa Zimmerman, M.A., an AASECT-certified sex therapist and marriage counselor, what she tells couples wondering about the amount of sex they are or aren’t having.

How much sex is “enough” for a healthy relationship?

First things first: Enough for who?

Zimmerman recommends thinking about how you’re defining the word “enough.” Is it based on comparisons with other people’s sex lives and trying to see if you’re “normal”?

“There is no normal. There is no ‘right’ amount of sex,” she says.

There’s no one magic number that will work for every single pair of people, and how often couples should be having sex will always vary depending on the specific needs of the specific people involved. Some people feel perfectly satisfied with sex once every few months, whereas others would consider that basically a sexless relationship. And of course, some people like having a sexless relationship, whether because they’re on the asexual spectrum or just prefer it that way. It all depends on the individual, and all preferences are valid.

Sometimes people might feel like they’re not having enough sex because they’re comparing their relationship to how it’s been in the past, Zimmerman adds, but even a decline in frequency doesn’t necessarily mean there’s a problem. “It’s normal for our sexual interest to change over time and to feel less intense desire,” she explains. Sometimes you’re just in a period of time when you don’t feel like having sex, and that’s perfectly OK.

The real question, she notes, is whether each partner individually feels like they’re having a satisfying amount of sex—whatever that looks like to them personally. Do you feel satisfied with your sex life as it is right now? Does your partner?

A helpful check-in.

One issue with the question of “how much sex is enough sex” is that it places the focus on the wrong thing, according to Zimmerman.

“I mean, what counts as sex anyway? If you’re focused on ‘the act’ (whatever that is for you) and the frequency of such, then you’re focused on the wrong thing,” she says. “It’s not just about ‘getting it done’ or checking the box. The point of sex, from my point of view, is to share pleasure with your partner and to feel connected in the process, no matter what you do with your body parts and what the end result is.”

It’s less about whether you and your partner are engaging in a certain act a certain number of times. It’s about how connected the two of you feel and how much pleasure you’re getting to enjoy in your relationship.

So with that in mind, Zimmerman recommends asking yourself a more important question: Am I (and is my partner) having enough pleasure and connection?

“Consider whether you’d like more pleasure and whether you feel enough connection in your relationship. And ask your partner about whether they’d like more of those things,” she explains. “If so, prioritize that.”

That might mean having more sex more often, or any other number of ways to creatively bridge the gap. The point, as it always is when it comes to sex: Just focus on doing what actually makes you and your partner feel good.

Complete Article HERE!

What No One Tells You About Sex After Breast Cancer

Treatment can rob women of their breasts, libidos, and self-confidence — here’s how they’re reclaiming their sex lives in the face of it all.

By Jessica Zucker

Carmen Risi, 40, knew there was a good chance she’d one day sit across from a doctor and hear that she had cancer. Her grandmother died from breast cancer, her mother and aunt were both diagnosed with ovarian cancer, and in 2019 she found out she was positive for the BRCA1 gene — an inherited variant that puts people at a much higher risk of developing certain cancers. As a result, Risi spent two years undergoing routine cancer monitoring — every six months, she’d receive an MRI or a mammogram.

In April of 2021, one such MRI found what Risi would later learn was breast cancer.

In addition to six grueling rounds of chemotherapy, Risi decided to take a hormone therapy shot, in order to preserve her fertility in the hopes of soon growing her family — she started IVF before treatment began and has plans for an embryo transfer once she’s done.

One major side effect of the drug? The loss of her sex life as she knew it.

“Lupron has put me into a temporary menopause — complete with hot flashes and a vagina that has completely atrophied,” Risi explains. She wasn’t exactly given a heads up, either. “I have pages of notes about the side effects these various drugs will have on me that I was handed by my doctor,” Risi says. “But there were no notes on how it would affect my sex life. None.”

Shari Goldfarb, M.D., an oncologist specializing in breast cancer at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center, says many women simply don’t realize the sexual side effects that come along with various breast cancer treatments. That’s why she makes sure to discuss with her patients, upfront, the possibility of menopausal symptoms and sexual challenges, such as vaginal dryness and decreased libido. She also encourages her patients to be proactive by using non-hormonal moisturizers, lube, vaginal dilators, and vibrators to make them feel more comfortable about having penetrative sex when they’re ready.

But the emotional side effects can be just as jarring. The temporary menopause combined with the loss of libido thrust Risi into a deep depression that she says left her thinking, “‘What’s wrong with me?'”

Madeline Cooper, LCSW, a psychotherapist and certified sex therapist, says it’s common for cancer patients to experience depression — as well as other mental health struggles — as a result of receiving a cancer diagnosis. “The first thing I tell my clients is that it is normal to go through a grief and mourning period,” Cooper tells InStyle. Being slapped with a breast cancer diagnosis that, for some, is intimately wrapped up in one’s identity as a woman, can affect so many parts of her life: a change in her body, expression of sensuality, sexual desire, pleasure, body image, the list goes on. “You might need to adapt to a new sexual style with your partner, and this might feel like a loss.”

Of course, not everyone already has a committed romantic partner in their life when they receive their cancer diagnosis and undergo treatment. Chiara Riga was a single 27-year-old when she was told last year that she had stage 4, metastatic breast cancer. While her healthcare providers believe she has between 10 to 15 years to live, her diagnosis is terminal, which, needless to say, makes dating — and sex — particularly fraught.

“I’m casually using dating apps, but there are so many different layers to what makes it a struggle for me,” Riga tells InStyle. “There’s the first layer, which is zero libido. Kids are off the table for me, too — certainly biological kids, but there’s also the ethics of adopting a child knowing that my disease is terminal. Then there’s the issue of ‘when do you disclose?’ and ‘how do I disclose?’ I want to date in order to be able to escape this dark reality I’m living in.”

Part of Riga’s treatment, which she will undergo until the end of her life, suppresses her ovaries and estrogen, because her cancer is hormone-fed. This means she is in full-blown menopause, which has essentially eradicated her desire to have sex. And while Riga says she actually doesn’t miss it, the want and ability to have sex would make her dating life much simpler and a hell of a lot more fun. Breast cancer, in a sense, has eliminated frivolous sexual encounters, by shifting the focus from sexual pleasure to long-term support through partnership.

“Who in their late twenties or early thirties is looking for ‘just a partner’? I think [wanting to have sex] would make dating much easier for me,” she explains. “And I do think for the right person, the right relationship really, I’d try to figure something out. I just haven’t found the right person for that yet.”

Even for those who do have a long-term partner — and a libido — to navigate the process with, redefining what sex looks like after breast cancer takes effort. For Risi, that meant finding other ways to experience orgasm (ahem, clitoral stimulation) with her partner once penetrative sex became too painful during chemotherapy. And after her forthcoming double mastectomy, Risi knows she’ll have to contend with not just the loss of her breasts, but the sexual pleasure they bring her. “I don’t want to lose my breasts. I don’t want to lose feeling. My breasts [stimulate me sexually], so to lose that forever is incredibly daunting,” she says, despite knowing it’s the best decision based on her risk factors.

According to Cooper, this reaction is common. Cancer treatments can often be associated with many types of “loss” — be it loss of libido, breasts, hair, a sense of sexiness, comfort in one’s body, identity even — and that loss, even if some are temporary, can be overwhelming at best.

“Breasts and hair can [contribute to] a woman feeling sexy and confident about her body, and this might shift with the loss of either,” she explains. “These changes could cause one’s body image to become a source of feeling turned off rather than turning herself on, and this can reduce sexual desire overall.”

Learning to love her body and reconnect with her sexual desire is something that Mary Purdie, 38, was already contending with when she was hit with the whiplash of breast cancer in January of 2018. In fact, it was during a new morning ritual — looking at her naked body in the mirror — that she first noticed a lump in her breast. “I was trying to appreciate my body, even though it was causing me so much pain,” Purdie tells InStyle.

After she was diagnosed with stage 1A invasive ductal carcinoma, she underwent a lumpectomy, radiation, and multiple rounds of chemotherapy. She was also put on a long-term hormone-blocking treatment called tamoxifen — a daily oral medication she has to take for at least five years. And while she was able to keep her breasts, and therefore felt more physically “whole” — her libido went out the window.

“Our sex life was already kind of on shaky ground after the last miscarriage, because my body had gone through so much and most of the sex that we were having in the past year or two was strictly for the sake of conceiving and not really for pleasure in any sort of organic way — it was scheduled,” Purdie explains. “So going from that to cancer treatment, it was like, ‘Well, how do we even get back to the honeymoon phase?'”

For Purdie, it was by allowing her husband (of three and a half years at the time) to take care of her. “I was generally the person who was cooking and cleaning. I took care of our house. But that all changed when I was going through chemo — he did everything all of a sudden,” she says. “And those acts of service helped to build intimacy. I could just lay there and be miserable and I knew he was going to take care of me, and that was such a huge showing of his love.”

According to Dr. Goldfarb, experiencing this kind of non-sexual, emotional support from a partner tends to increase the amount of intimacy a patient feels during and after treatment — and can indirectly benefit their sex life too. “Assurances like ‘I love you unconditionally’ and ‘I’m in this with you — I am here to support you through this’ are really important, because patients often worry that a cancer diagnosis will [damage] their relationships,” Dr. Goldfarb adds. “I have seen relationships get closer in times of turmoil and illness when significant others are supportive.”

She says that in addition to simply being there — reminding her to take her medications, sitting with her through chemotherapy treatments, cooking, cleaning — her husband’s patience and attention to the little things also helped, not just in making her feel closer to him but making her feel more comfortable in her body and, eventually, being sexual. He deferred to her in bed — he let her take the lead.

“In the evenings it would often turn into a moment together that, even if it was brief, was a chance for us to be physically intimate,” she adds. “It felt good to tap into that sense of normalcy that we had before cancer and before miscarriages.”

Risi is also determined to maintain her sex life — no matter what changes to her body breast cancer may bring. She grew up in what she describes as a conservative Christian community where women were “taught to be modest” and that “sexuality wasn’t something you should even think about until you’re married.” Risi got married at 28, and says that, as a result, she spent years muting her own sexuality.

“I’m so mad that I lost a part of my sexuality to religion in my youth, and I’m losing sexual function and desire to cancer. It’s maddening,” she adds. “But I know my husband will still want to love and touch on whatever my new breasts are, even if I don’t have a specific feeling there. And I think I will enjoy that, because there’s intimacy there, even if there isn’t sensation.”

Complete Article HERE!

Why don’t we talk about high female sex drives in relationships?

by Jasmine Wallis

It’s time for a role reversal.

The other week one of my friends jumped into my DMs.

“I keep having sex dreams because I’m so horny.”

She was venting to me, frustrated at her long-term male partner for not wanting sex as much as she did.

“It’s so annoying because I don’t want to force him or make him feel guilty.”

As a society, we often talk about the peer pressure that cis-women feel when it comes to heterosexual sex. Putting out as a teen before you’re ready so you don’t get dumped, the all too common complaints of “blue balls”. But what happens when the roles are reversed? Why do some women feel guilt, shame or even embarrassment over having a higher sex drive than their cisgender male partners?

I pose this question to Georgia Grace, a certified sex coach and your local big sister on the internet, G.Spot. “Shame is a feeling that a lot of people feel when it comes to sex and sexuality,” Georgia says.

The week I speak to Georgia, the sex educator has been (serendipitously) sharing content around shame. “A few common themes have emerged” she notes. “Religion informing people that sex should be between a man and a woman when they’re married, political ideas, limited sex education or the messages they’ve been sent around sex by social groups or sexual experiences. These ideas of shame are multi-faceted.”

Biological differences?

So basically, shame is conditioned. But what about my friend, why does she feel frustrated that her partner doesn’t have the same libido as her? Throughout my research on this topic, I began to realise (due to my woeful public school sex education) that I don’t even know if there is a biological difference between libidos in the sexes.

“No. There’s no biological difference,” Georgia explains. “It’s incredibly common, normal and human, for a person with a vulva to have a higher desire for sex than a cisgender man or a person with a penis.

“Using this idea that biologically, cis-women and cis-men have different desires for sex comes down to the fact that we confuse desire and arousal.”

Georgia says that, basically, desire is what we understand as wanting sex i.e. you’re horny. Arousal, however, is the physiological response that shows up in your body like an erect penis or lubricated vagina.

The difference is that for people with penises, this arousal can happen almost instantly or within a few minutes, but Georgia explains that people with vulvas can take between 20 to 40 minutes to be “fully physiologically aroused”.

This means there’s no difference in our drives but rather in the time it takes our bodies to respond to what’s going on in our environment.

Different strokes for different folks

In sex educator and researcher Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are (yes, the book that Maeve Wiley recommends to Aimee Gibbs in the latest season of Sex Education) she shares there are different types of desires that humans can feel.

One is spontaneous desire. This means that it just arrives out of the blue, it can happen instantly without much external stimulation. Emily notes that “75 per cent of men experience spontaneous desire compared to 15 per cent of women”.

The second type of desire is responsive sexual desire. This means the drive shows up in response to the outside environment i.e. seeing an image or video, looking at your partner on date night or being kissed. Emily found that five per cent of men and 30 per cent of women experience this responsive desire.

And finally, there’s contextual sexual desire. This is the reason why you may not feel turned on after a stressful day or a huge meal.

With humans feeling a range of desires that can change every day, there are many reasons why your libido may not always match up to your partner’s.

“A lot of people self diagnose themselves as having low or no desire. But they’re actually just experiencing responsive desire, and they’re not getting enough stimulus in order to bring sex front of mind,” Georgia says.

Being a sex coach, Georgia recommends that couples who are having issues in the bedroom seek professional help. It doesn’t mean anyone is ‘broken’ but it gives a safe space to learn more about communication around sex.

“I think we should be normalising that every single couple will have different levels or different experiences of desire,” says Georgia. “It’s pretty rare that you desire sex at the exact same time as your partner, but by learning about what you both need you can have a really fulfilling sex life.”

Moving past shame

From the movies where the wife constantly “has a headache” or the TV show where the girlfriend bribes the male character with sex for something in return, we’re sold the idea from a young age that men want sex more than women.

Georgia also notes that the patriarchy assumes that “women do not want and should not enjoy sex” and if they do then they’re slut-shamed. Couple this with the orgasm gap and we’re all as confused (and frustrated) as ever.

At the end of the day, these stereotypes we have around gender and sex don’t help anyone. Cisgender men may feel less ‘manly’ if they don’t desire sex at the same rate as their cisgender female partners while cisgender women may feel shame or ‘too much’ when they’re asking for sex more often.

The week we spoke, Georgia shared this quote from American professor Brené Brown on her Instagram feed: “Shame derives its power from being unspeakable.”

By speaking about libido and desire with your partner, to your friends or with a therapist, we can continue to break down these outdated stereotypes, stop feeling shameful for something natural and have more fulfilling sex lives.

Complete Article HERE!

Has your relationship lost its sexual spark?

Here’s how to bring it back and escape your dry spell

Don’t panic if you’re in a dry spell

By

Feel like your relationship is in a rut, sex-wise?

You’re certainly not alone.

When you’ve been in a relationship for a while, it’s natural for your sex life to go through ups and downs.

But when you’re in a low point, things can feel a bit dismal.

A recent survey from Burton Constable Holiday Park (don’t ask us why they’re doing this bit of research, we’re not sure either) found that 22% of respondents said their relationship spark had disappeared.

The number one cause given for this? A lack of physical affection. Perhaps PDA is worth giving a go… or just more physical intimacy at home, if you’re not keen on putting on a display.

Other reasons confessed for a lull included not going on enough dates with their partner, a shortage of communication, and not having enough one-on-one time.

Relationship expert Hayley Quinn suggested that to remedy this issue, couples should go on regular holidays together.*

*Okay, now we understand why a holiday park commissioned this research.

‘I don’t think many couples put the time and effort into reigniting romance, which isn’t a criticism; it’s difficult when you have to deal with life admin,’ says Hayley. ‘Spending time to create romance easily falls to the bottom of the pile.’

While a romantic getaway does sound nice, it’s not your only option for escaping a sexual dry spell.

We chatted with relationship expert and author Lucy Beresford for her wisdom.

Try not to take a dry spell personally

There are so, so many reasons why sex might not be happening as frequently as it used to. Don’t jump to conclusions.

Lucy tells Metro.co.uk: ‘Recognise that sex is complex and may be about stress or lack of confidence on the part of your partner, so less to do with you and how desirable you are.

‘Focus on adoring yourself and treating yourself with love and respect, so that you are not reliant on how your partner feels about you.’

Have an honest conversation

It’s tough when you feel like you’re the only one struggling with your relationship’s lack of sexual passion.

The first step to sorting this out is acknowledging that there’s an issue.

‘The right amount of sex is different for every couple, so start by having conversations about the current situation to find out how your partner feels and to state your own needs gently,’ Lucy says.

‘Make sure you have these conversations when you both have time to give each other space to state your needs and listen to each other, and keep the focus positive and with no judgement or blame.

‘Explore whether your partner feels the lack of sex is because of a non-sexual relationship issue. For example if they feel you’re distracted, not making time for them, or not supporting them emotionally, you both need to work together on that issue first.’

Ditch guilt, blame, and shame

Stop beating yourself up for not having an allnight sex session every other day.

‘Remember that we often make the mistake of believing everyone else – particularly people we see on social media – have the perfect relationship with tons of sex,’ says Lucy. ‘But in truth, many couples haven’t had sex in weeks, months, or even since the pandemic started.

‘Studies show that as many as 15% of couples are suffering from a sexless relationship. So have compassion for all that you and your partner have gone through this past 18 months, and recognise that you are doing the right thing to address this now.’

Check your language

Related to the above, make sure that when you’re chatting with your partner about your sex life, you’re not assigning blame.

Lucy advises: ‘Use ‘I’ phrases (“I have loved it when…”) rather than “you” phrases (‘you never/always…’). This can help avoid your partner feeling attacked or blamed.’

Come up with some action points

Sounds formal, we know, but make a concrete plan of how you’re going to bring back the sexual spark.

Lucy suggests: ‘Examples include making a promise to always kiss before one of you leaves the house or gets back home, or take an evening to just focus on gazing at each other, or stroke each other, to take the pressure of feeling like you have to have full-on penetrative sex.’

Take small steps to get more physical

When you’re going through a dry spell, just initiating sex can feel like an impossible hurdle – especially if you’ve always relied on your partner to get things started.

Get rid of the pressure by focusing on smaller acts of physical intimacy.

‘Skin-on-skin contact, whether it’s kissing, hand-holding, a massage, or stroking, has a hugely beneficial effect on strengthening the bond of affection, without ramping up the expectation that it has to be about sex,’ notes Lucy.

‘Baby steps as you both get back into the rhythm of sexual activity is more important than going straight for full-on intimacy.’

Check in with your own confidence levels

‘Focus on your own body confidence, which may have slipped during the lack of sex,’ Lucy tells us.

Make sure you’re feeling comfortable getting naked, and perhaps have some self-love time to get your self-image back to a healthy place.

Focus on fun

If you’re stressing out about having the ‘right’ amount of mindblowing sex, you’re on the wrong track.

Get rid of the pressure to orgasm – or to even have penetrative sex, if that feels a bit much for you right now.

Instead, challenge yourself and your partner to have some fun, get intimate, and see what feels good – no pressure, no rush.

Complete Article HERE!

The Common Sexual Health Issue You Probably Didn’t Know About

By Ondine Jean-Baptiste

Have you ever headed back to your date’s place after a sultry night out, ready to have a good time — only to struggle getting there physically? The connection is there, but you just cannot get yourself aroused no matter how much you want to. You might be left feeling embarrassed at this momentary impotence, kicking yourself for potentially signaling to the other party that you just aren’t that into them when it couldn’t be further from the truth. The technical term for this feeling is arousal non-concordance, which is essentially the disconnect between the mental or emotional response and the body’s response to sexual stimuli. In addition to the aforementioned scenario, arousal non-concordance can also refer to the opposite effect — when the body is responding physically to sexual activity or touches (vaginal lubrication, for example) but the desire is not there or the mind is saying no.

Sexual wellness educator Catriona Lygate explains that while people often tend to use the words “desire” and “arousal” interchangeably, there is a marked difference between the two. By her definition, sexual arousal is a physical state of being, and something one can sometimes not have conscious control over. Desire on the other hand, is psychological. We can desire a second scoop of ice cream after dinner, less work hours, or the neighbor three doors down. This is a conscious want individuals do have control over.

Learning and understanding the desire-arousal distinction are crucial in troubleshooting any issues in communication. Culturally, many are socialized to believe that talking about sexual likes and dislikes is awkward, embarrassing, and unnecessary; that if sexual chemistry is present, the people involved will naturally know how to please each other. In practice, this is not always the case. Arousal actually involves a tricky combination of many contextual factors such as your mood, headspace, your emotions about the relationship with the other person(s), and distinct turn-ons that play on your senses like smell, taste, and touch.

Researcher and author Emily Nagoski popularized the term arousal non-concordance in 2015 when she first published Come As You Are; however this phenomenon has existed for as long as humans have been getting busy. To describe how sexual response works, in her book, Nagoski goes into the dual control model which involves a gas pedal and a brake. Any time your brain receives information that’s even slightly sex-related (like right now), it sends a signal varying in intensity to “hit the gas” and feel arousal. Simultaneously, your brain is also hitting the brakes based on all the external factors in the moment that may indicate it’s a bad idea to be turned on right now. She explains that being turned on relies on so much subjective messaging from our environment.

Many have been in situations where they might not be in the mood for any sexual activity, but a caress or knowing touch in the right spot can elicit an instant response from their body. You might not want to become intimate, but physical changes can be interpreted otherwise. After understanding arousal non-concordance (the disconnect between mind and body reactions), however, it is evident that bodily arousal is not always an indicator as to whether someone wants to initiate or continue sexual acts.

Nagoski actually digs into this further in a blogpost subsequent to her 2015 book, stating that genital response is, again, not primarily about desire or pleasure but sexual “relevance” (meaning presence of sexual stimuli). The stimulation that gets our bodies going in any given moment might be unwanted, but it has no true bearing on one’s sexual fantasies. If bodily arousal appears to be a false “green light” as previously mentioned, then arousal non-concordance is the yellow, signaling that it’s time to slow down and have a conversation. “It is crucial to know and remind yourself that you are not broken, damaged, or flawed if you experience arousal non-concordance,” shares psychologist and certified sex therapist Dr. Kate Balestrieri.

What if the roles are reversed and it’s your partner who is aroused but verbally communicates they do not want to proceed? Listen and respect their limits. Dr. Balestrieri says, “Make note of the context in which you experience non-concordance, so you can be more readily prepared to discuss with a partner, set boundaries that align with your mental and emotional desire, and remain convicted of your own truth about non-consensual experiences.” And if your partner is not aroused but verbally communicates they do want to proceed? Focus on their pleasure. Use this time to ask them what they desire and focus on their erogenous zones during foreplay.

For any instances of arousal non-concordance, the lesson here is to always communicate. If you are experiencing this issue in any form, confiding that information is important to establish understanding between you and your partner. It doesn’t have to ruin the vibe — this is the perfect opportunity to learn something new about each other by offering an alternative. Perhaps this moment helps you realize some sexual trauma ignored early on is resurfacing, and thus preventing you from feeling comfortable enough to take that next step of intimacy. “It can be helpful to work with a sex therapist or to seek assistance from an OB/GYN or urologist if you experience arousal non-concordance frequently, or if you feel distress as a result, especially if you have a history of trauma and feel confused by your body’s reaction,” Balestrieri recommends.

At a time where sex seems on everyone’s minds after months of isolation and anxiety, talking about arousal non-concordance may ease any apprehension one might have about sexual satisfaction and can create realistic expectations when meeting someone new. Remember that genital response does not always equal sexual desire, and you should be looking for clear, verbal consent before getting down to business. Any temporary awkwardness is better than misconstruing what your sexual partner wants at that moment, and communication is key to making your partner feel safe and comfortable. Context is crucial when getting in the right frame of mind to set the mood, so don’t be shy — ask what your partner wants! When both pleasure and desire are present for all parties, it’s a guaranteed great time.

Complete Article HERE!

COVID Gave Me Germaphobia.

Now I’m Reclaiming My Sexuality

By Arese Sylvester

I can’t remember a time I wasn’t interested in sex. As a child, I felt a sort of morbid curiosity towards it and I recognised it as the ‘ultimate sin’. The thing that would get me a ticket straight to hell. As time passed, my curiosity shifted. I was no longer scared, just intrigued and excited.

As a queer Nigerian woman, I know firsthand the level of defiance it takes to explore sexuality. Not only because of the misogyny I have to deal with but also because finding opportunities and people to explore with is an entire battle. I revelled in my defiance though and sex soon became one of my favourite things to do. Rough sex, slow sex, edging, bondage – I tried it all.

Then the pandemic happened and like so many others I had to adjust to a different reality that involved nosy and demanding family members. It wasn’t one I liked or wanted. It made me feel like life was being sucked out of my vagina. I didn’t think it was going to be so bad. Yes, I couldn’t be with any of my sexual partners but I had my fingers and I did a good job taking care of myself. But I soon realised that masturbating wasn’t going to be entirely possible.

I am a bit of a perfectionist with my orgasms. There were a couple of details that I needed to get right if I hoped to get one. The most important was noise; I cannot orgasm if I can hear people talking. But with a family of five quarantining together, it was impossible to find personal time. I didn’t realise when I went a month without an orgasm. It was so unlike me but I brushed it off because by then I had a bigger problem.

My mother had started going back into the office because we needed the money and every time she came home, she spent almost 30 minutes disinfecting. Her paranoia was contagious and I couldn’t help but mirror her anxiety. I was helping her to wipe down our doorknobs, restocking the hand sanitiser and pinching my brother’s ears every time he tried to play with the neighbour’s kid.

In between all this, I simply did not have the energy to touch myself. This was made worse by the fact that despite my family’s best efforts, we caught COVID. The entire experience was demoralising. We had tried to do everything right yet here I was, faced with the possibility that these could be the last moments I spent with my high-risk parents. I doubled my efforts at cleaning. My attitude towards hygiene became obsessive, unnecessary and draining.

COVID-19 led to a massive change in everyone’s lifestyle and our active avoidance of germs throughout the pandemic, though necessary, has undoubtedly left many of us feeling even more anxious about germs and contamination. Among those who are predisposed to anxiety, there’s been a recorded increase in obsessions and associated compulsions.

My libido, which had been very active before the pandemic, had disintegrated and I was desperate to have it back. I wanted to feel like I had some control over this bizarre situation so I forced myself to masturbate. My first orgasm in four months was toe-curling and I had a huge smile on my face as I came down from my high.

It felt good, really good, so my tears came as a surprise to me. Why was I crying? This was something I wanted, something I’d been praying for. But this terrible voice in my head kept asking if I’d washed my hands before I began. I knew I had but the thought had been planted and I struggled to uproot it. The shortness of breath came and in my panicked state I imagined my vagina rotting because I didn’t care enough not to get germs in her. I calmed down a few minutes later but the panic attack really scared me so I decided that I wouldn’t touch myself for a while. Of course that decision didn’t make me feel better.

“When we rely on avoidance to reduce our anxiety, we do not give ourselves a chance to learn that we can tolerate our anxiety. We also continue to believe that the things we are avoiding are unsafe in some way,” says Alissa Jerud, licensed clinical psychologist and host of the Anxiety Savvy Podcast. “Our habit of avoiding gets stronger each time we avoid. Over time, we may find ourselves avoiding more and more, thus fuelling our anxiety in the long run and causing our worlds to continue to shrink.”

It’s been a year since I made that decision not to touch myself and I’ve gone on to have numerous orgasms since then. They’ve all been self-inflicted and not nearly as satisfying. Things are still not the way they were and I doubt they ever will be. I haven’t had sex in approximately six months and I haven’t had good sex for even longer. The last time I tried, I bawled in my partner’s bathroom for an hour nonstop because: What if his penis was dirty? It was irrational, partly because we’d had a bath together, but it was enough to put me off sex. There’s nothing like a panic attack and a terrified man to kill your libido.

I’ve realised that I shouldn’t have an identity crisis because I couldn’t have sex for a while. Why did I feel like I needed to jump back into having sex right after lockdown eased? The obsession with ‘going back to normal’ wasn’t healthy and I needed to address that. I felt like a child again, taking baby steps and trying to relearn intimacy.

My hypersexuality told me that I needed to be the wild, sexual person I was before the pandemic. But I don’t have to be her anymore. I can be the girl who doesn’t remember how to kiss people or touch herself. The girl who’s trying to figure out if she still likes the stuff she used to like. I can have fun rediscovering myself – and I have been.

Sexual chemistry used to be (and still is) such an important part of my attraction to a person but I’ve realised that there are other forms of intimacy and I am focused on building those first. It was easy to forget that I exist outside of the virus and that all the decisions I make don’t need to revolve around it. As long as I’m being safe, I can kiss people without feeling like I’m betraying myself.

It’s impossible to tell how this will play out for me in the future but Alissa says that fear of germs has the potential to negatively impact the mental health and wellbeing of our society. “The avoidance that this fear pulls for could easily lead to an unravelling of the social connections that we are wired to create. The more we – as a society – allow these fears to shape our post-pandemic lives, the wider their ripples will be.”

It’s a little bit hard finding my groove and going back to having sex but I’m having fun while I relearn it. I’m not the same person I was pre-pandemic, and that’s fine.

Complete Article HERE!

5 common conditions that can lower sex drive

By Charlie Williams

The science is clear: Sex can bring some incredible benefits for your health. Study after study has shown that having sex regularly can improve longevity, reduce the risk of heart disease, stroke, and certain types of cancers, bolster the immune system, improve sleep, enhance mental health, reduce depression symptoms, and improve overall quality of life.

Common conditions, like cancer, diabetes, heart disease, etc, not only affect patients’ physical health, but also their sexual health.

Despite this, sex remains a taboo topic in American culture. We don’t even know how to address it to children in schools. For instance, in the late 1990s, the US government adopted the abstinence-only-until-marriage (AOUM) approach to adolescent sexual and reproductive health. Public schools in 49 of 50 states accepted federal funding from this program. As a result, public school sex education focused on raising awareness of the risks of sex, like sexually transmitted infections and youth pregnancy, rather than balancing the risks with the scientifically supported benefits. What’s more, rigorous research showed that AOUM failed to achieve its goal of delaying sexual initiation, reducing sexual risk behaviors, or improving reproductive health outcomes.

The history of American inhibitions about sex is too complex to detail here. Suffice to say that because of these longstanding cultural mores, modern public discourse about sexuality is often described in a negative light, focusing on the risks and dangers of sex. Meanwhile, discussion about the physiological and psychosocial health benefits of sex is commonly ignored, according to a white paper from Planned Parenthood.

This discussion might be missing in physician’s exam rooms, too. Six in 10 American adults have chronic disease, but it’s likely that they aren’t receiving sufficient education to help them cope with the effects that their conditions can have on their sexual health, and how those effects can change their quality of life. The problem becomes more challenging when considering that cultural mores prevent patients—and physicians, too—from broaching the subject simply because it’s uncomfortable to talk about.

So, next time you suspect a patient has one of these conditions, consider spurning the taboos and help them understand its implications for their sexual health and overall quality of life.

Cardiovascular disease

According to the American Heart Association, decreased sexual activity and function are common in patients with cardiovascular disease (CVD), but not for the reasons you might expect. Patients with CVD often endure psychological distress because of their conditions, which is correlated with negative downstream effects on sexual function. In patients with coronary artery disease, heart failure, congenital heart defects, recent heart attacks, coronary artery bypass grafting, implantable cardioverter defibrillators, and cardiac transplantation, sexual activity frequency and satisfaction often decline because of the anxiety that sexual activity will worsen the underlying cardiac condition or cause death. That anxiety can lead to depression, an important contributor to erectile dysfunction (ED) and decreased libido.

While some patients with severe CVD may be putting themselves at increased risk for complications by having sex, doctors can clear many patients for sex after a simple physical exam or exercise test. For those with depression, anxiety, or decreased libido, physicians can recommend patient and partner counseling, refer to psychiatrists, or prescribe medication.

Diabetes

Long-term poor blood sugar control can damage nerves and blood vessels, inhibiting feeling and the blood flow that is necessary to maintain an erection, according to the Mayo Clinic. As such, some male patients with diabetes are likely to experience ED while managing their condition. Other conditions that are common in men with diabetes can commonly cause ED, like high blood pressure, heart disease, and depression.

Women with diabetes are also likely to experience decreases in sexual function, including reduced libido, decreased vaginal lubrication, and reduced or absent sexual response, including the ability to stay aroused, achieve an orgasm, or maintain feeling in the genital area.

The good news is that diabetes can be a preventable condition, and sometimes reversible in those who have already developed it. Many of the factors that cause symptoms that reduce sexual function and desire in patients with diabetes can also be reversed. Plus, many of the factors, like improving blood sugar levels, have the added benefit of helping patients feel better overall and improving their quality of life.

Obesity

While the health hazards of obesity have been thoroughly studied and are well known to most patients, its effects on sexual health are not frequently discussed. For instance, obesity in men reduces testosterone levels and increases the likelihood that men will experience ED. Moreover, obesity can have negative impacts on fertility—it has been linked to low sperm counts and reduced sperm motility, both of which have been shown to make men less fertile.

Women who are obese experience similar reductions in sexual health. Researchers have shown that obese women have lower sexual function scores, and that weight reduction seems to improve sexual function in young obese women. Moreover, obese women are 4 times more likely to experience an unplanned pregnancy than normal weight women, despite them reporting lower rates of sexual activity.

As with diabetes, the good news is that obesity is a preventable condition. And just like diabetes, reducing obesity will not only bring beneficial effects to sexual health, but to overall health as well.

Cancer

Many types of cancer can have detrimental effects on sex to varying degrees. “Some surgeries and treatments might have very little effect on a person’s sexuality, sexual desire, and sexual function,” according to the American Cancer Society. “Others can affect how a certain body part works, change hormone levels, or damage nerve function that can cause changes in a person’s sexual function.”

Doctors, caregivers, and partners can help patients with cancer confront issues of sexual health by maintaining discretion, helping to talk through emotional issues, helping address problems with self-esteem, and tracking side effects. 

On the upside, sexuality and intimacy have been shown to help patients with cancer bear the burden of their disease by helping them cope with feelings of distress.

Mental health disorders

Healthy and intimate sexual relationships are a key component of mental well-being. But, common mental health problems like anxiety, depression, personality disorder, seasonal affective disorder, and bipolar disorder can all have detrimental effects on sexual health.

Notably, a markedly decreased sex drive is a common indicator of major depressive disorder, according to Jennifer L. Payne, MD, director of the Women’s Mood Disorders Center, Johns Hopkins Hospital, Baltimore, MD.

“Change in sex drive is a key symptom we look at when deciding if someone fits the diagnosis for major depressive episodes,” Dr. Payne wrote. “A primary symptom of depression is the inability to enjoy things you normally enjoy, like sex.”

But mental health disorders don’t exclusively cause a reduction in sex drive and performance. Some individuals, including those with compulsive sexual behavior, can become consumed by sexual thoughts and an out-of-control sex drive. Like most addictions, when sex addiction and compulsive sexual behavior is left untreated, it can damage self-esteem, relationships, careers, and health. 

Time to have ‘the talk’

Both the patient and physician may feel uncomfortable in the exam room broaching the subject of sex. But, consider that studies have shown that most patients with CVD believe they haven’t been appropriately educated about their conditions’ effects on sexual health and desire more information on how to resume their normal sexual activity. Other patients with common conditions most likely feel the same way. 

Having an open discussion or referring patients to counseling can go a long way toward improving sexual health, which in turn can provide both physical and mental health benefits.

Complete Article HERE!

How To Know When To Walk Away From A Sexless Marriage

by Jessa Zimmerman, M.A.

One of the top issues that present in couples and sex therapy is a difference in levels of sexual desire. A discrepancy in desire is normal, but sometimes couples will struggle with conflict or avoidance around sex if they don’t manage that difference together. Sexless marriage, generally defined as having sex fewer than 10 times a year, is the extreme result of difficulty navigating sexual interest between two people.

A sexless marriage may be grounds for divorce for some people, depending on how important sex is to them and how much work has been put into solving the issue as a couple. Some couples rarely or never have sex, and both people are totally fine with that. There is no “normal” or “healthy” level of sexual desire or activity, so if it’s working for both people, there’s nothing to change or worry about. In a relationship where at least one person is unhappy with the lack of sex, there are many steps you can take to address undesired sexlessness within the marriage first before turning to divorce. As with so many other reasons to end a marriage, it’s worth trying to improve it first.

First and foremost, it’s important to consider the reasons for the lack of sex. If one person has become ill, disabled, or otherwise unable to be physically intimate, that’s very different from your partner being unwilling to engage with you sexually. Changes in sexual functioning can still allow physical intimacy, even if it doesn’t look like it used to. You may need to reevaluate your definition of what constitutes sex: If you only think about sex as being intercourse or penetrative sex, you are limiting the many types of sexual experiences you two could be enjoying together. Relatedly, the changes we face as we age and weather may mean we have to adjust our expectations. Those losses certainly should be grieved, but they can also be tolerated and supplemented with other satisfying sexual experiences.

You should also consider how the lack of sex in your marriage is related to other issues between you. When couples struggle to be kind to and supportive of one another, when their communication is dripping with criticism or contempt, or when they are gridlocked over other significant topics in their lives, it’s common to not want to have sex. If you’ve got other significant areas you have to address, do that work before you assess your sex life. Making changes to improve your overall relationship health usually has to happen before sexual intimacy can be created in a relationship.

Sexless marriage divorce rate.

There is no concrete statistic on how many people divorce because of a lack of sex in their marriage. A 2017 study of U.S. General Social Survey data from 2002 found 16% of married couples were in a sexless marriage (no sex in the past year). A 2018 survey that found over one in four relationships are sexless. We don’t know specifically what percentage of these couples were unhappy with the lack of sex, however. We also know that about 50% of marriages end in divorce. But so far, there is no study that ties these stats together.

Even if we did have a study showing how many couples got divorced due to a sexless marriage, we’d have a hard time knowing whether sex was really the issue—or just a symptom of other problems. I can say that lack of sex shows up in my therapy practice regularly, and couples often wonder whether their relationship can survive if that doesn’t change. Many people are certainly considering divorce.

When to walk away from a sexless marriage:

1. Your partner refuses to work through this issue with you.

There are so many obstacles to sex in a relationship, so there are many things you may need to talk about and change in order to create a sex life that you can both enjoy. Before considering divorce, you should bring up your concerns to your partner, have an earnest conversation about what’s in the way, and see how you can work as a team to address the issue. There is a lot you can do toward improving a sex life with your partner, but it does take both of you to step up to the table and address what needs to change.

Before you conclude that your partner isn’t willing to help, make sure that you have done everything you can on your side of the court. Bring up your concerns in a collaborative way, without blaming and shaming. You can support a partner with lower libido simply by being willing to explore how you are contributing to roadblocks for your partner. Have true curiosity about how sex could work better for them and what they need to access or cultivate their own desire for sex. Approach sex like it’s play rather than having specific goals and outcome that could set you both up for failure.

If you’ve been doing all of this, and your partner still refuses to talk about it and won’t be a collaborative teammate with you in creating physical intimacy in your relationship, it could be time to leave.

2. Your relationship issues are so big that there are other reasons to divorce.

Lack of sex in a relationship can be a symptom of other significant issues. In that case, it’s the other issues that really create grounds for divorce, if you can’t work through them.

For example, if the two of you have toxic communication cycles, including blame, shame, criticism, gaslighting, or abuse, that can nix your sex life—and bring your marriage to its end. Likewise, if you can’t get on the same page about money or parenting, you may not be able to save your marriage. If you have power struggles, infidelity, lying, or cruelty, your relationship may not survive. In all these examples, your issues go way deeper than the lack of sex in your marriage. If they aren’t addressed and changed, you may very well decide to leave your marriage.

3. Your sexual interests are so different that there are not ways to enjoy sex together, and you don’t agree to find another way to explore those interests.

Sometimes couples have what we call an “erotic conflict.” Each person has things that turn them on, a vision of the kind of sex they want to have and with whom. Sometimes, what we want is mutually exclusive with the desires of our partner. For example, if one person is kinky and that is a turnoff for their partner, they may struggle to find sex they can share and enjoy. Likewise, a person’s sexual orientation could get in the way—if they are not attracted to the gender of their partner.

In sex therapy, I am always trying to help couples find the overlap in their desires (think of a Venn diagram), but occasionally there is none. Some couples decide to address this by using fantasy and masturbation while staying married. Others decide to implement some type of open marriage in which they can meet their needs outside the relationship but remain married. But if those options aren’t desirable, you may decide to divorce over this lack of sexual compatibility.

Can a sexless marriage survive?

Yes. If you love your partner and you value your relationship, there are ways to address the lack of sex between the two of you as long as you’re both willing to work together. We are inundated with messages that sex should come naturally and that something must be very wrong with our relationship if we are having a hard time in the bedroom. But the truth is that it’s common, almost universal, to struggle with sex at some point over the course of a relationship. These difficulties present an opportunity to address issues, to talk to our partner with openness, and to recreate your relationship and sex life to suit you now.

Lack of sex is usually a symptom of other things. Sexual desire changes over time, and especially when it comes to sex in long-term relationships, having different levels of desire is normal. Things change in our lives in ways that make our sex life more difficult. All of these are normal and common experiences.

If you want to stay in your marriage and enjoy a sex life together, you can step into the work it takes to make that happen—and invite your partner to do the same. You’re not alone in these struggles, and your relationship doesn’t have to end—unless you truly face irreconcilable differences.

Complete Article HERE!