33 ways to have better, stronger orgasms

— Everything to know about the 11(!) types of orgasm.

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Look, everyone wants to have a mind-blowing orgasm every time they have sex. But unfortunately, it’s not always that easy.

Only about half of women consistently climax during partnered play, and nine percent have never orgasmed during intercourse, per one study published in Socioaffective Neuroscience & Psychology. (Worth mentioning: The percentage of pleasure-seekers who do consistently O during sex is higher for women in same-sex relationships.)

So, why is the orgasm gap so big? For one thing, your entire body has to be ~in the mood~ when you’re attempting to orgasm, says Donna Oriowo, LICSW, CST, a certified sex therapist and owner of Annodright based in Washington, D.C. ‘Orgasms require both the physical and the mental, emotional component,’ she adds. This, along with a few other reasons (that Women’s Health will get into below!), can make them hard to come by.

If this gap sounds all too familiar, you don’t have to feel like all hope is lost. Here, sex experts explain everything you need to know to have an orgasm, whether you’re trying to ring the bell for the first time or take your O to another level of pleasure.

What’s an orgasm, exactly?

Let’s start with a basic definition. ‘Clinically, an orgasm is the rhythmic contractions of the genitals,’ Jenni Skyler, PhD, an AASECT-certified sex therapist and director of the Intimacy Institute, previously told Women’s Health US. It’s marked by vaginal contractions, an increased heart rate, and a higher blood pressure.

But how an orgasm feels, exactly, will vary from person to person. Skyler typically describes it as a ‘pinnacle of pleasure, or the capacity for the whole body and genitals to feel alive and electric.’

What are the different kinds of orgasms?

Each type of orgasm is named for the body part that’s stimulated in order for them to occur, including:

Clitoral Orgasm

The clitoris is the small, nerve-dense bud at the apex of the labia that serves no function other than to provide sexual pleasure (!). When orgasm happens as a result of clitoral stimulation—be it from your partner’s hands or tongue, or a clitoral vibrator—it’s called a clitoral orgasm. FYI: This is the most common type of orgasm for those with vulvas, says Ian Kerner, PhD, LMFT, a certified couples and sex therapist based in New York, New York, and the author of She Comes First.

How to have a clitoral orgasm:

  • Use lube. Remember: the clitoris is sensitive. If there’s not proper lubrication, ‘you can cause [yourself or your partner] pain unnecessarily,’ Oriowo says, especially if you start off using lots of pressure. Which brings me to…
  • Start slow and gentle. Add gradual pressure and stimulation as time passes. Feel it out, literally. That way, you can let your orgasm build and avoid experiencing any pain or discomfort.

Vaginal Orgasm

Less than one in five of those with vulvas can orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone, according to the Mayo Clinic. If you have an orgasm from vaginal penetration, without any direct clitoral stimulation, that’s a vaginal O!

How to have a vaginal orgasm:

  • Lube, lube, and more lube. Again, use lube to minimise any discomfort or irritation, Oriowo says. There’s nothing worse than *that* burning feeling that can result otherwise.
  • Find the right rhythm. Whether you’re solo or partnered, you’ll want to figure out what you like, and then (if you are with someone else), communicate your preferences. Then, the name of the game is ‘maintaining the rhythm when the person is having an orgasm—don’t change it up,’ Oriowo says.

Cervical Orgasm

Your cervix is the vaginal canal’s anatomical stopping sign. Located at the wayyy back of the vaginal canal, the cervix is what separates the vagina from your reproductive organs. But beyond just what keeps tampons from traveling into your bod (#bless), the cervix can also bring on some serious pleasure when stimulated.

How to have a cervical orgasm:

  • Be gentle. Since a lot of people can experience pain in this area, again, it’s best to start gently. If you experience any new sensations while dabbling in cervix play, make sure that they’re not painful, Oriowo adds.
  • Use a toy. Sometimes, a penetrative vibrator can hit those deep spots that a human being can’t. ‘A toy can shake things up with the cervical orgasm,’ she says.

G-Spot Orgasm

Often described as feeling more full-bodied than clitoral orgasms, G-spot orgasms occur from stimulating the G-spot, a nerve-packed patch of sponge located two (ish) inches inside the vaginal canal.

How to have a G-spot orgasm:

  • Warm yourself up. Use your fingers and warm up by touching (or having a partner touch) the G-spot area to prepare for deeper penetration, Oriowo says.
  • Move with purpose. If your goal is a G-spot orgasm, the same-old, same-old moves might not work. Instead, practice ‘picking your positions in a way that will help you to really get to the G-spot,’ she adds.
  • Nipple Orgasm

    A nipple orgasm is ‘a pleasurable release of sexual arousal, centred on nipple stimulation and not caused by stimulating the clitoris [or penis] directly,’ Janet Brito, PhD, a nationally-certified sex therapist and the founder of the Sexual Health School in Honolulu, Hawaii, previously told Women’s Health US.

    How to have a nipple orgasm:

    • Use a toy. ‘There are so many nipple toys that I think get left in the dust because we tend to buy toys for our genitals, but not necessarily our nipples,’ Oriowo says. So, invest in some nipple clamps or even a clit-sucking toy that you can use in *both* places.
    • Dabble in sensation play. It doesn’t have to be with a traditional toy, either. Ever tried a feather? An ice cube? You’ll def want to try different things to ‘enhance the pressure that we receive in that area,’ Oriowo adds.

    Anal Orgasm

    An anal orgasm is exactly what it sounds like: any kind of orgasm that ensues from anal stimulation. For some, this means stimulation of just the external anus (for instance, during a rim job). And for others, it means stimulation of the internal anal canal (for instance, with anal beads, a penis, or finger).

    How to have an anal orgasm:

    • Rimming = your best friend. Rimming, or analingus, is the act of someone performing oral sex on the ‘rim’ of the anus. It’s an important part of anal play because many of your nerve bundles are around the opening of the anus, not deep inside it, Oriowo says.
    • Ease into it. If you’re new to anal play and you’re interested in using toys, you’ll generally want to use something the size of a finger, Oriowo says. (And not the size of a penis!) And, of course, use lube. ‘However much lube you thought you needed… put a little bit more,’ she says.

    Blended Orgasm

    This is any orgasm that comes from stimulating two or more body parts. Nipples + anus = blended orgasm! Clit + vagina? Also a blended orgasm. ‘Bringing in sensations to the other areas of the body can also help to increase the strength of any orgasms,’ Oriowo adds. So, blended orgasms might feel extra intense.

    How to have a blended orgasm:

    • Be intentional upfront. Ask yourself which areas you want to stimulate, Oriowo says. If the clit is too sensitive for dual stimulation, for instance, target the G-spot or cervix instead, and add in some nipple play, too.

    Oral Orgasm

    An oral orgasm can be induced by someone going down on you, and it requires a couple of things, Oriowo says. For instance: Awareness of the giver’s lips and teeth, which can ‘enhance the sensation that a person is experiencing,’ she explains. So, you may want to graze your teeth along someone’s clit, but you defs won’t want to bite them—accidentally or not. (Ouch!)

  • Also, ‘paying attention to what your partner is responding to’ is super important, she adds. ‘If they’re saying they’re about to have an orgasm, continue doing what you are doing at the same pace and pressure.’ Noted.

    How to give an oral orgasm:

    • Incorporate teasing. Yup, sometimes just the anticipation of physical sensation can be enough to increase someone’s arousal. Try just ‘whispering near the vagina, but not quite touching it,’ Oriowo recommends, then move from there.
    • Use your tongue. ‘You can do oral in so many different ways,’ Oriowo says. Maybe you try light, tickling touches with the tip of your tongue, interchanged with a broad, deep stroke with your entire tongue.

    A-Spot Orgasm

    The A-spot is between the vaginal opening and the bladder, ‘about two inches higher than your G-Spot, along the front vaginal wall,’ Oriowo says. You know how you have some spongy tissue in your G-spot area? Well, the A-spot is a bit deeper. If you can’t feel it, that doesn’t mean it’s not there, she says—it just means that your A-spot might not be as sensitive.

    How to have an A-spot orgasm:

    • Incorporate a toy. Because this area is deeper than the G-spot, you might want to use a toy to reach it rather than a finger. Still, you can try to move your fingers from side to side (rather than a penetrative in-and-out motion), and you might be able to find the A-spot better.

    U-Spot Orgasm

    The U-spot orgasm is a urethra-based orgasm, Oriowo explains. Therefore, her biggest tip is to be gentle when stimulating the area, then listen to what your partner is requesting (or what your body is telling you, if you’re going solo). After all, ‘this is the area where urine exits the body,’ she says. (Oh, and you’ll definitely want to lube up, too.)

    How to have a U-spot orgasm:

    • Start with fingers. This tip especially applies to those who are just starting to explore the area. ‘The fingers give you a little bit more control,’ she says. Oriowo also recommends exploring down there by yourself first before doing so with a partner. ‘Then, you know what kind of pleasures you’re already capable of,’ she adds.
    • Then, show and tell. After you’ve gotten the swing of things, guide your partner through the process so they don’t end up accidentally hurting you. That way, they can learn ‘how to do it on their own without your guidance eventually,’ she continues.

    Exercise-Induced Orgasm, or Coregasm

    Amazing news for anyone who loves working out: Some people are able to engage the core and pelvic floor in a way that will result in an orgasm. ‘Orgasms are created through the increase in tension and then its release,’ Oriowo says. ‘Engaging your abdominal muscles, often [is] going to be pulling on, or stimulating, the pelvic floor muscles, as well.’ And the rapid release can create a beautiful O.

    Can I have multiple orgasms in a short time period?

    Yes! This happens when you’re in a semi-aroused state and your genitals are resting a bit, Kerner says. ‘Assuming you potentially transition into the right kind of foreplay activities, you would be primed to experience genital stimulation again that would result in a second orgasm,’ he explains.

    Anyone can have multiple orgasms, but it does depend on the person—some people are more likely to have multiple Os than others, Brito says. And again, depending on the person, their second (or third) orgasm after the first may or may not feel as powerful.

    Jennifer Wider, MD, a women’s health expert, author, and radio host, encourages practicing Kegel or pelvic floor-strengthening exercises to strengthen your pelvic muscles in pursuit of an orgasm. By doing these contractions during the initial orgasm, a second or third may be possible, when combined with stimulation to another area.

    ‘Remember, the clitoris is usually a bit sensitive after the first orgasm, so moving to another erogenous zone and going back to the clitoris after a short break can help,’ she says.

    How to have an orgasm:

    Achieving consistent, mind-blowing orgasms is kind of like winning the lottery. Sounds amazing, but basically a pipe dream, right? With these little tricks, it doesn’t have to be.

    1. Prioritise cuddling.

    In the name of boosted oxytocin, rather than saving spooning for after sex, spend some time snuggling up pre-play.

    Known as the ‘love hormone,’ oxytocin might be the key to better orgasms, according to a study in Hormones and Behavior. The study found that couples who received oxytocin in a nasal spray had more intense orgasms than couples who took a placebo.

    Since you probably don’t have oxytocin nasal spray on your nightstand, try giving yourself the same jolt of the hormone naturally by hugging, cuddling, or making other gestures to show your love to your partner. Your post-cuddle O might just surprise you.

    2. Don’t skip right to penetration!

    According to Kerner, having an orgasm requires a few key ingredients:

    1. Vasocongestion (i.e. blood flow to your pelvis);
    2. Myotonia (muscular tension throughout your body);
    3. The brain’s natural opiate system being turned on (because it triggers oxytocin)

    The best way to get these ingredients? ‘Gradual[ly] building up arousal, rather than a race to orgasm,’ he says. In other words, slow down and build both physiological and psychological arousal. Trust, the end result will be worth the wait.

    3. Focus on positions that favour the clit.

    Wider suggests focusing on sex positions that directly stimulate the clitoris during penetrative sex. ‘That can provide a consistent orgasm in the majority of [people with vulvas],’ she says. Try rider-on-top, which allows you to grind your clit against your partner, or rear entry, with you or your partner stimulating your clitoris. Kerner agrees that being on top generally makes it easier for people with vulvas to cum.

    4. Use a vibrator.

    Vibrators are literally made to help you orgasm, after all. ‘Vibrators increase the frequency and intensity of orgasms—whether you’re alone or with a partner,’ says Jess O’Reilly, PhD, a Toronto-based sexologist and host of the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast. She suggests starting with a vibrator that will target your clitoris, G-spot, or both. A few to get you started:

    5. Think about your cycle.

    If you feel like your orgasms have been meh or not even there lately, consider trying to time sex around your cycle. Generally, your libido peaks during ovulation—that’s about two weeks before your period shows up—so the chances of having an orgasm will go up during this time period, Wider says. ‘There may be an evolutionary basis for this, because those with vulvas are most fertile at this time during their cycle,’ she adds.

    FYI: This is especially important if you’re exploring cervical orgasms. That’s because, as O’Reilly previously told Women’s Health US, some people are more likely to have cervical orgasms during ovulation. If having your cervix touched feels painful but you’re still curious, try it during a different time of the month to see if it feels better.

    6. Make sure you have lube on hand.

    Lube reduces uncomfortable friction and allows you to ‘safely engage in a wider range of acts, techniques, and positions,’ O’Reilly says. Not only that, it also ‘leads to higher levels of arousal, pleasure, and satisfaction,’ she says.

    7. Whip out a fantasy.

    Adding a little psychological stimulation to the equation can help enhance physical stimulation, which is why Kerner recommends fantasising on your own or with your partner. ‘Fantasy is also a powerful way to take your mind off other stressors or any other anxieties you may be experiencing,’ he says. And, for the record, ‘it’s okay to fantasize about someone other than the person you’re having sex with,’ Kerner says. (Maybe just keep that info to yourself, though.)

    8. Try sensation play.

    ‘The simple act of turning off the lights, closing your eyes, using a blindfold, or wearing sound-canceling headphones can help you to be more mindful and present during sex—and lead to bigger, stronger orgasms,’ O’Reilly says. ‘This is because the deprivation of one sense can heighten another, so when you remove your sense of sight or sound, you may naturally tune into the physical sensations of the sexual encounter.’ But before you tie an old tube sock around your boo’s eyes, just be sure to ask for consent first.

    9. Feel yourself up in the shower.

    Sure, you shower to get clean, but you can also have some fun when you’re in there. ‘It’s very simple: As you shower, rather than touching to wash yourself, take one minute to touch for sensuality and pleasure,’ O’Reilly says. ‘Feel your skin, take a deep breath, and bask in the heat and warmth that surrounds your body.’ This can help you de-stress and get in touch with what feels good to you—and that can do you a solid when you’re in bed later, she says.

    10. Take an orgasm ‘break.’

    On a similar note, ‘sometimes taking a masturbation and orgasm break for a day or two can be a good “refresh,”‘ Kerner says, noting that people sometimes ‘report stronger orgasms during masturbation after taking a short break.’ If you can, try taking sex or solo love off the table for a day or so and see where that gets you. A simple reset may be just what you need to ramp things up.

    11. Make the most of *that* time of month.

    Raise your hand if Os are, like, significantly better on your period. (My hand is all the way up.) While that may not be the case for everyone because orgasms feel different for every person, it’s good to take note of when your Os feel the best. ‘Some people do say that they’re more likely to feel aroused before their period or during their period, and that might have to do with hormones, but then other people say that’s not true for them,’ Brito says.

    As an added bonus, period sex has the power to literally make you feel better physically. ‘Orgasm has analgesic effects,’ Kerner adds. ‘If you experience sometimes pain or heavy cramping or even headaches during PMS, orgasm could actually help to relieve some of those symptoms.’

    12. Make your fave positions feel that much more intense.

    Stick to your fave sex positions, but get your clit in on the action with the help of a clitoral vibe. Or, take matters into your own hands by bringing your digits downstairs.

    ‘A nice combination is pressure and friction against the glands of the clitoris,’ says Kerner. ‘That is sometimes why a combination of external and internal stimulation can really enhance and get the most out of the potential for orgasm.’ Make sure your focus is within the first few inches of the vaginal entrance, he says.

    13. Be present.

    It can be super easy to get distracted before or during sex. But the best Os come from when you (either alone or with your partner) are in the mood for it.

    ‘The main thing that can affect a woman’s orgasm is not being fully absorbed or present—fully absorbed in the flow of the sexual experience or having that flow interrupted,’ Kerner says. So, try your best to get rid of distractions or other environmental factors.

    You can also practice some mindfulness before you head to the bedroom…

    And on that note, make sure you and your partner’s arousal is synced up. To do that, communicate before, during, and after sex to make sure the experience is going well for all involved.

    14. Don’t let intercourse be the main event.

    Outercourse, which is exactly what it sounds like—everything but penetration—deserves just as much attention, if not more. Make sure there’s a healthy balance of outercourse versus intercourse during sexy time. ‘There’s lots of outercourse positions that provide better or more higher quality clit stimulation,’ Kerner says. ‘That’s gonna generate an orgasm.’

    15. Practice positive handwriting.

    Communication is everything in relationships, and when it comes to sex, it’s even more so. Positive handwriting is when you help guide your partner’s hand around your body, showing them how you like to be touched rather than have them try to guess how you like it.

    ‘That teaches them the rhythm that you want or the circular motion or the speed,’ Brito says. ‘By you knowing yourself, you’re able to teach your partner how to do it for you.’

    16. Take the pressure off of being goal-oriented.

    Obviously, everyone wants to experience ~the big O~, but TBH, just being along for the ride is fun enough. When you have a goal, you’ll automatically feel more under pressure, and sex is supposed to be fun, not stressful.

    ‘The main thing is not having that as a goal in mind,’ Brito says. ‘When it becomes more goal-orientated, it gets a little bit bit harder to do that because now you’re in a performance mode.’ Try to focus on the sensations you’re feeling instead.

    17. Try yogic breathing.

    ‘Some people have luck elongating their orgasm through breath work,’ Wider says. For a longer and stronger orgasm, she suggests yogic breathing, which is a breathing technique used in yoga where you control your breath according to postures.

    Wanna DIY? Take a longer breath right before you climax and then breath through the orgasm instead of holding your breath during it, Wider recommends. That ‘may actually extend the length of it,’ she adds.

    18. Figure out what kind of foreplay you like best.

    This extends your level of arousal, Kerner says. Touching, talking dirty to one another, feeling up your erogenous zones, role playing, and sharing fantasies can all help draw out the period of foreplay and in turn, help make your orgasm *that* much better. You can also try getting in ~the mood~ by listening to a sexy audiobook, reading something, or watching porn, if that’s not usually your vibe.

    ‘For some people, it might help them to engage in some type of erotica,’ Brito says. ‘That can help someone have a better orgasm because their mindset is there.’

    19. Make it a full-body experience.

    Don’t just focus on the downstairs neighbor. ‘You wanna be able to activate the nerve fibers throughout your body that are sensual and respond to stimulation—so you don’t wanna just start with your genitals, you wanna start with a more full-body experience of yourself,’ Kerner says.

    Whether it’s really engaging all of your senses or experiencing with touching different parts of yourself, like your nipples, don’t count any body parts out.

    20. Don’t shift your stimulation right before you’re about to orgasm.

    Kerner says it’s a common instinct to do something different right before a woman reaches orgasm, like shifting their position or way of stimulation. ‘That can really interrupt the orgasm itself in ways that might make it harder to get back on track,’ he says. ‘It’s important that whatever is happening that is generating orgasm, that that continues in a consistent, persistent way.

    So, figure out what your partner likes, and if it’s going well, follow through!

    21. Lean into pregnancy sex.

    Like ovulation orgasms, pregnancy orgasms have the potential to feel *real* good. ‘There’s so much blood that’s sort of just pulling in the pelvis and in the genitals, and so much of arousal is about blood flowing into the genitals,’ Kerner says. So pay attention to those pregnancy Os, because they might be higher quality than during other times, he says.

    22. Remove judgment.

    It’s easy for people to feel shame or guilt around masturbation, sex, or general sexual pleasure depending on one’s upbringing, Brito says.

    ‘Ideally, you’re approaching your body in a loving, caring, compassionate way and being very curious and open to exploring your body parts, including your erogenous zones,’ she adds. ‘It’s like, ‘This is another body part, and I’m open to exploring this area in a loving way.’ It’s a form of self-care.’

    And she’s right—it’s your ‘you’ time! Make sure you have a healthy mindset so you can fully enjoy it.

    23. Be aware and vocal of how the sensations feel.

    It’s easy to get out of sync with your partner during sex, so make sure you’re on the same page by communicating. ‘Sometimes sex is painful and a woman isn’t aroused enough, or the sex causes some kind of pain,’ Kerner says. ‘Generally, men don’t experience sexual pain during sex in the way that women can.’

    If anything isn’t feeling right, make sure to be assertive about it with your partner.

    24. Don’t be afraid to step outside your comfort zone.

    In addition to removing judgment from your mindset, you’ll also want to stay curious and open-minded when it comes to exploring your body, whether it’s with a partner or not. If you’ve always been a little intrigued by anal toys or BDSM, consider tapping into something new. After all, sometimes the most unexpected things give you the greatest Os. (And you can quote me on that.)

    25. Combine types of touch.

    Didn’t you hear? Only stimulating the vagina is, like, so yesterday. Combining different types of touch can look different for everyone—it could be using your hands to stimulate your nipples while you’re getting fingered, or fully using a sex toy while getting massaged all over your body. ‘The more types of touch you engage in, the more intensive it could be,’ Brito says.

    26. Embrace the mini Os.

    Sometimes, people with vulvas experience ‘wavelike feelings of orgasms, or mini orgasms sometimes leading up to an actual physiological orgasm,’ according to Kerner. Often, they think they’re having multiple orgasms, but they’re actually just little peaks and highs before the climax. And they still feel great, so be on the lookout (feel-out?) for any feelings representative of that description.

    27. If you’re not feeling it, consider why.

    Sex is never fun if you aren’t feeling good about yourself, and self-esteem issues are a particular roadblock on the way to an orgasm, Kerner says. If you suddenly aren’t in the mood or you’re feeling bad about yourself mid-act, think about why, and try to get to the root of the issue.

    28. Invest in a new toy.

    Sometimes you gotta mix it up—I get it! If you’ve had a bullet vibrator for while and you’re ready to jump into more intense toys head-on, go for it.

    The type of vibrator you try will depend on the type of stimulation you enjoy—and the type of orgasm you’re interested in exploring. A vibrating butt plug or string of vibrating anal beads will bring a whole lot of ‘oh baby!’ to your backside, while vibrating nipple clamps will make you tingle and giggle without any between-the-leg lovin’.

    29. Use lube on more than just your downstairs area.

    If you’re willing to get a little creative, lube can seriously elevate your sex game in surprising ways. Try to lube up your favorite toy before some solo sex, or even use some on your nipples. Just remember not to use oil-based lube with condoms (it’ll disintegrate the latex) or silicone-based lube with silicone toys (it’ll damage your toys and cause an environment rife for bacteria), Jordan Soper, PsyD, CST, an AASECT-certified sex therapist and licensed psychologist previously told Women’s Health US.

    30. Maintain stimulation throughout the entire O.

    It might sound obvious, but make sure to keep the stimulation going until you know it’s over. ‘Maintaining stimulation through an orgasm, the entirety of an orgasm can get the most out of the duration of an orgasm,’ Kerner says. Longer orgasms? Yes, please.

    31. Tighten your pelvic muscles.

    This tip is especially helpful for G-spot orgasms. ‘The G-spot is located inside the vagina up toward your navel,’ Wider says. Not only will firm, deep penetration help to hit the spot, but also, some [people with vulvas] find it’s helpful to tighten their pelvic muscles during rhythmic sex,’ she adds. Again, you can try Kegel or pelvic floor-strengthening exercises to help this area.

    32. Try edging.

    Edging is when you’re masturbating or engaging in sexual activity, creating a buildup, and stopping before you orgasm, then continuing the cycle over again. Literally, what’s hotter than bring yourself and/or your partner to almost climax, but then not allowing yourself or them to? Sheesh. ‘That can definitely make you have a more intense orgasm,’ Brito says.

    33. Know your body.

    At the end of the day, you know your own body best. Sex toys aren’t for everyone, just like manual stimulation isn’t for everyone, either. Take time to be with yourself and figure out what you like best to maximize your experience, either alone or with partner(s). ‘Do what works for you, arousal levels should build gradually—some [of those with vulvas] enjoy manual stimulation, others prefer toys,’ Wider says.

    Once you know what you like, you can help others in assisting to give you your best orgasm yet.

    Frequently Asked Questions

    Is there a difference between a ‘male’ and ‘female’ orgasm?

    First off, people with vulvas *can* ejaculate through the form of squirting. However, they ‘can both squirt and have an orgasm at completely separate times,’ Oriowo explains.

    On the other hand, people with penises typically experience orgasms that include ejaculation a majority of the time. It is possible for them to have an orgasm without ejaculating, she says—it’s just rarer. Also, some might say that it’s ‘easier’ for those with penises to orgasm than those with vulvas, which leads me into the next question…

    What is the ‘orgasm gap’?

    This is the difference ‘between how often men have orgasms versus how often women who have sex with men have orgasms,’ Oriowo says. ‘Women who have sex with women are more likely to have orgasms than women who have sex with men.’

    I don’t think I’ve had an orgasm before—what can I do?

    There are a few things to get you started.

    Get psychological.

    Aside from exploring your body—likes, dislikes, the whole shebang—’sometimes, we are having mental emotional hangups that are preventing us from being able to connect with our bodies,’ Oriowo adds. For instance, sometimes shame plays a role when you first start to masturbate, she says.

    If it’s affecting you, she recommends looking into therapy or using a workbook or guide that goes over those feelings. Overall, you’ll want to think about the narrative you have around pleasure, masturbations, and orgasms that are preventing you from being able to have one.

    Consider your lifestyle choices.

    Both smoking and drinking a lot of alcohol can negatively impact your ability to experience orgasms. Smoking can affect your circulation, and increases the risk of erectile dysfunction for men. Because people with vulvas have similar tissue sets, especially in the clitoris, ‘that is going to impact the sensations that you’re having and the blood flow to your own clitoris,’ which is what causes an orgasm to feel so good.

    Alcohol, on the other hand, impacts the ability to feel sexual stimulation. So, maybe skip that third pre-sex glass of wine, and instead fully feel the sensations that might lead to an orgasm.

    Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate.

    Yup, you can add better chances of orgasming to the long list of positive effects that hydration has on the body. ‘Hydration really helps with best orgasm results,’ Oriowo says. ‘We are literally walking around here dry, wanting our bodies to perform at peak levels for our orgasms—but lack of hydration can also lead to lack of vaginal lubrication, natural lubrication.’ So, drink that water!

    Drinking enough water will also help blood flow and your muscles will be hydrated enough to move, both of which will help your orgasm. Wins, all around!

    Complete Article HERE!

24 Ways to Have Better Sex in 2024

— Observe a sexual opposite day. Pretend someone is filming you. Use a lot more lube.

By

It’s somehow already the middle of January, when we’re all totally exhausted by the premise that we need to eat, exercise, clean, or otherwise behave more virtuously all goddamn year long. As you think about what you want for the months ahead, keep in mind: Spending an hour decluttering your closet might make you feel good—but so would having an orgasm.

Maybe you’re ready to reassess your sex life, but you’re not sure where to start. I get it—lots can happen to snarl up your feelings around boning. It’s easy to become complacent about—or, worse, resigned to—the sex you’re accustomed to having (or not), or how you get off by yourself. If things are great, or you’re just pretty sure you know what your whole sexual deal is, that’s also an excellent foundation for recommitting to more raunchy, transformative, and romantic sex.

Maintain a spirit of openness and you can’t lose. If you try something new and it doesn’t suit or thrill you? That’s also good information about getting closer to sex that does. Here are 24 low-stakes, high-reward ideas about how to have a filthy, sweet, and incontrovertibly hot year.

1. Write down the details of exceptional hookups right after you have them.

Even if you swear you’ll remember every iota of a perfect encounter, stuff slips away—unless you jot it down. I just referred to the notes I took after a particularly world-redefining fuck, and it reminded me what he smelled like, how we touched for the first time before touching everywhere (my feet were tucked under his legs, and he rested a hand on my thigh), and precisely how he *** my **** while he ****** *** ****. Give your future self a gift that you can touch yourself to. Rereading these back is also a mollifying reminder of what’s possible when things aren’t quite as electric.

2. Think through a sexual Year in Review.

You can also expand on the above concept to broadly take stock of what you want more of—and way less of. Look back at 2023: What was outstanding—figuring out that you’re most into morning sex; buying a harness that fits you well; hooking up with a best friend and staying best friends? What was boring or unpleasant—getting felt up at a drive-in theater (good in theory, but you just nervously looked over your shoulder the whole time); feeling chafed in a garter belt; learning the hard way that the whole morning sex thing is only true if all parties brush their teeth first? Write that down, too, and use it to guide your future hookups.

3. Wear underwear that makes you feel like gold.

Replace anything with holes in it or that’s otherwise exhausted. Don’t settle for serviceable-enough briefs that only kinda affirm your gender. Get matching lingerie sets on sale! If you’ve been waiting around for someone to come along and forcibly teach you your correct bra size: It was only ever going to be you, and it’s time. Explore what’s unusual to you, like thigh-high stockings, a binder, or a lace teddy (and remember that fragrance can be an underthing too). Whether or not anyone else sees what’s under your sweater, you’ll know, and you’ll carry yourself a little differently.

4. Reevaluate your lube situation—and use it for more than just penetration.

If you’re familiar with lube insofar as it comes pre-applied on condoms, or you reach for a bottle only to cram things into holes: Your life is about to know new meaning. Lube can help clits feel less pinchingly sensitive when they’re touched for a long time, quickly, or intensely. On penises, wetter is often better, especially when you’re jerking off (or jerking someone else off). There are three main kinds of lube: oil-, water-, and silicone-based. Start with a water-based one—they can be used with silicone toys and prophylactics and are least likely to interact weirdly with your body or strap-on. (I like Überlube and straight-up Astroglide.) Use a LOT of it next time you masturbate or touch someone else. Reapply every few minutes, since lube absorbs into skin and water-based ones can feel sticky as the moisture in them evaporates. Keep a hand towel by the bed. Come so hard.

5. Trim and clean your nails, no matter what you’re doing with your hands.

This isn’t just a concern for fingering vaginas—and nor was it ever! Please, let’s right this grievous wrong. If you’re touching someone else’s body anywhere, don’t do it with gunk in your cuticles or a ragged fingernail. If you’re femme and allergic to even the thought of forgoing a complicated manicure, scrub under your nails religiously before you put them on or in someone, and be so careful and gentle when you do. Wear latex gloves if you’re putting your acrylics or beautiful natural nails (lucky—can’t relate) into someone’s ass. The tissue inside the anus is delicate and prone to tiny tears, so it’s not the best environment in which to poke your glamorous talons around.

6. Build a stockpile of hot nudes or lewds.

Sending racy photos while maintaining the rhythm of a conversation doesn’t have to mean ducking into a work bathroom stall, rushing off the couch to strip out of your mom’s old Phish T-shirt, or whatever other last-minute adjustment you’d otherwise need to make. Whenever you’re having a particularly good hair or ass day, take commemorative photos, then put them in a private folder for future use. Yeah, keep that Phish shirt on, baby—that’s what I like (your sustained comfort as you turn someone on).

7. Flirt elegantly.

It’s 2024, we’re grown, and we can choose to be sophisticated—even with long-term partners who have seen us throw up a milkshake. Behave like a heartthrob seducing someone in a movie. Text or call just to say you’re thinking about someone. Give them little gifts (they don’t have to be expensive—a perfect piece of fruit or a sleek pen from the bookstore will do). Be ever so slightly suggestive outside of strictly sexual contexts (a good level is mentioning when you’re thinking about making out with them). This works wonders for building anticipation around sex, creating an overall mood where sex is present in your lives together, and ultimately contributing to a closer connection when you do finally get around to fucking.

8. Do lite role-play with clothes you already own.

Got a leotard, bodysuit, or pair of gym shorts? Great, you’re exercising and your partner is a personal trainer expertly adjusting your form. Put on a plaid skirt or blazer, because class is in session and you’re desperate to make the grade…! Wear a suit—you’re the boss. You don’t have to go full Method within these roles, unless you’re into that. Just say, “If you were my X and I were your Y, what would you do to me?” You can even skip the acting piece of this altogether by dressing up in an outfit you wear very rarely—a ball gown, a low-cut jumpsuit—and letting the other person’s imagination do the work for you.

9. Loosen up.

Stop fixating on how your stomach looks when the overhead light is on (who invented this? I’d love a word). Feel free to stumble—who among us hasn’t said something like, “I need you to suck your dick…uh, my dick” in the moment? When you’re nervous or something funny happens: Joke, talk, laugh, nibble, and goofily bury your head in someone’s shoulder. This often helps sex feel even more connective, permissive, and judgment-free. Be judicious about how often you’re yukking it up, though, and always observe whether it’s just you doing it—you don’t want your partner to think you’re laughing at them, especially if you’re in the middle of anything un-vanilla or new.

10. Ask your partner to touch you all over while you’re boning.

Get a massage while you’re getting laid, and have the person giving it to you cover as many areas of your body as they can/you’re down with, at varying levels of pressure. The idea is to feel everything as precisely but universally as possible, whether your partner is trailing their fingernails down your forearm or pressing their knuckles desperately into your shoulder blades with you on top. It’s extremely dreamy to have sex that happens to you in many places at once.

11. Don’t rush.

Make out slowly without lunging right for other parts of someone’s body. Don’t default to what you know makes you, or your partner, come really fast. Try edging or taking breaks from the action to delay orgasms and draw things waaaaaay out. Go legato: Relish each feeling—their fingertips on the back of your neck, the very first few seconds of penetration, or the pressure they’re using as they kiss you—as it unfolds. In “wellness culture” this is called mindfulness, but I just call it being good in bed.

12. A secret of oral sex: How it looks contributes massively to how it feels.

Tell your partner what would be especially hot to watch while they’re going down on you, and find out the same about them. Some general ideas for you: Kiss and lick, and as you do, look up into their eyes either very softly or very hard. Take their hand while you use your other one somewhere else that feels good for them. Angle yourself so they can see plenty of your smoking-ass physique. Pretend someone is filming you. If it feels performative? Great, that’s a sign you’re nailing this.

13. Find your personal definition of “incredible anal sex.”

If you’re not down or able to have full-on penetrative anal (though: never say never!), delve into rimjobs or other strategies for making your ass feel incredible from the outside. If you’re more like, “Look, I’ve been getting fisted, sister,” maybe your next course of action involves anal beads or a new butt plug. Always use toys with flared bases if you’re planning on inserting them—your sphincter has powerful suction mechanisms, and you don’t want your new year of vibrantly experimental sex sullied by a dildo stuck inside you.

14. Experiment with prostate stimulation.

Prostates (or P-spots), for people with penises, can take some effort to find, but putting that work in can yield pleasure in the extreme. To find your or your partner’s prostate, make a come-hither motion with your index finger inside the anus, towards the stomach, or use a toy designed to reach it. Pair prostate exploration with handjobs or blowjobs to make it feel particularly blissful.

15. Observe a sexual opposite day.

You can do this alone or trade assignments with a partner—the idea is to break free of what you think “you’re like” and try something entirely new. If you’re a super-dominant megafox, let someone else lead. If you’re a goofball, be intense, filthy, and direct. The obvious, time-tested convention here instructs bottoms to top, and vice vers-a. Even if a given role isn’t ultimately one you want to step into again, it’s nice to know that firsthand: You’ll understand your taste better and see how something feels for partners who do like whatever you’re playing at. You can call on all that intel in the future.

16. If your partner is driving you wild, make that extremely clear.

Most people love overt recognition of what’s so magnetic and sexy about them. Don’t be coy about it—go full Pepé Le Pew. You can say stuff like, “I love how soft your skin is,” or, “You know exactly how to touch me,” or, “I think about your [perfect body part or especially expert technique] when I masturbate,” or simply, “I could kiss you/look at you/fuck you all night.” Life’s short: Be unerringly passionate, a too-rare quality that you’ll likely be rewarded for. (I also just never feel more confident than when I decide to be deliberate and bold about my feelings.)

17. Demonstrate how you get off.

If you’re together, have them watch you touch yourself or use a toy; then, if you want, teach them by way of example—apply the concept “show, don’t tell” to your masturbation techniques. If you’re apart, make a voice note explaining what you’re doing and how it makes you feel, or, if you trust the recipient and are down to try it, record a video. (If you’re on the fence, just do it in person or talk through it on the phone—this shouldn’t feel stressful.) Each option is foxy—yet educational!—in its own right.

18. Clean your sex toys after each use.

Okay, I know we forswore boring cleaning talk and housekeeping mandates in favor of sin-sational xxx-ploration, but you must use clean sex toys. If you groan at the idea of fully disinfecting your vibrator after each and every time it comes into play, I get that, but it’s a small price to pay for not getting a yeast infection because you were both horny and lazy. Here’s a guide to cleaning whatever kind of sex toy you’re using. And definitely refresh your toys between partners and holes. Other situations that non-negotiably call for sterilized accessories: Using the same toy on more than one partner and using the same one on multiple orifices, even with the same person. Body-safe toy-cleaning wipes can be a godsend for cleaning on the fly in the heat of the moment. Keep the contents of your nightstand pristine so you can do every filthy thing on your mind with gusto.

19. If you’ve fantasized about having threesomes or more-somes, look into making it happen.

If you’re with someone monogamously, talk to them about your fantasies outside of a sexual context, when you’re both feeling relaxed. See how your partner feels about opening things up without expectation or judgment, and if they’re also into the idea, ask how that might unfold in a way they felt secure in and turned on by. You don’t need to be in a relationship to enjoy the splendors of group sex—there are plenty of people looking for thirds or additional partners. If you decide to go for it, you can browse a threesome-centric app like Feeld to get a sense of who’s out there and, if you’re intrigued, say hey.

20. Work with your body as it is, not as it “should” be.

It’s so much harder to feel great in bed if you don’t feel physically comfortable to begin with. Does sitting on someone’s face hurt your knees? Lie on your back—or sit on your dresser and have them kneel in front of you! Do you have recurrent UTIs that you’re just hoping will dissipate without intervention? Talk to a doctor about it—you don’t have to live this way! Is menopause making your vagina dry and irritated? Get to moisturizing! Put a pillow under your knees or neck to alleviate pain and pressure on your joints. Look into a prescription for ED medication. Whatever your body is trying to tell you, listen.

21. Be proactive about safer sex.

STI rates have been rising recently, so you owe it to yourself and anyone you’re fucking to get tested regularly. If you’re having sex with one monogamous, long-term partner, get a basic screening once a year. If you’re having sex with new or a few people, even if you’re using barrier methods like condoms, go annually at minimum, and ideally more like every three to six months. If you do have an STI, ask a doctor to help you think through effective safer sex tactics, and be ready to start candid, informed conversations about those options before you bone a newcomer. Keep a cool head about all of this: Most STIs can be treated! Some can even be cured. None will ruin your sex life forever unless you decide it should.

22. Pick atmospheric music in advance.

It’s annoying to pause a hookup because your playlist suddenly veered into songs that are too brash, techno-y, bubbly, or sad. (Or all of those at once: I don’t want to hook up to a Lady Gaga album outside of a gay bar EVER again. This should never happen in the home.) Have your sonic ducks in a row, whether that means making a sex playlist or having a few albums ready to go. Just don’t get lube on your records as you flip sides. (If you’re looking for ideas: This doesn’t have to only be Prince, although many would argue it should be—especially the deluxe Purple Rain with all those heartfelt demos. Or cue up romantic ambient-ish albums and piano solos.)

23. Visit a sex toy store, even just to browse.

Either by yourself or with a partner, stop by your local sex store to see whether anything piques your interest. Ideally, look for places that state outright on their websites or signage that they’re inclusive and sex-positive, particularly if you want to ask the staff questions. If you don’t live near a physical store, there are endless options online—I like Babeland and Lovehoney. Maybe you’ll buy something, or not—but you will very likely leave brimming with lurid new ideas.

24. Go ahead with any new-to-you venture when you’re actually ready.

Though I wish it were otherwise the case, you won’t always feel up for prioritizing freewheeling yet sensuous expressions of sexual innovation and liberty. Sometimes you’ll be sick, or feel terrible about yourself, or go through an unmooring life change, and you’ll be a little uncertain about your sexual place in the world. You don’t have to force yourself to pull off your grand sexual aspirations unless you’re actually going to enjoy them. It’s okay to go through fallow periods, and to wait them out with acceptance and self-understanding. After all, thoughtful patience is also the main force behind having multiple orgasms.

Complete Article HERE!

How To Have Multiple Orgasms

— 9 Tips For Women

Got any evening plans?

By

For many women, having one orgasm during sex can be an uphill battle, so the idea of achieving multiple orgasms might seem like the stuff of fiction.

But sex expert Tracey Cox said women are more than able to have multiples. “Because women don’t fall to the post-orgasm resolution phase as quickly as a man does, it’s easier for us to climb back up and have further orgasms in succession,” she told HuffPost UK.

Because we hate feeling left out, and don’t want to wait for National Orgasm Day (31 July), we asked experts how to improve the chances of having multiple orgasms.

1. Do your Kegel exercises.

Disappointingly, having mind-blowing orgasms isn’t all just about having sex and will require a little bit of groundwork before you get to reap the rewards, including doing regular Kegel exercises.

Cox said: “Like the rest of your body, if your pelvic floor muscle is toned and fit, it works better, pumping even more blood to the pelvis (which is great for arousal) and making stronger contractions – giving longer, more intense orgasms.

“Simply squeeze the muscle you use to hold back urine, hold it for two seconds, then release. Do this 20 times, three times per day.”

2. Do work on ‘peaking’ techniques.

They say good things come to those who wait, and no more so than those who don’t just rush straight into an orgasm. Instead, teach yourself to plateau and gradually build to the final moment, rather than rushing ahead.

Cox said: “Peaking involves taking yourself almost to the point of orgasm, waiting for your arousal to subside, then climbing back up again. This trains you to stay in a high state of excitement, following a ‘wave-like’ orgasm pattern, rather than one which starts at the bottom and steadily climbs higher.

“Not only does this optimise the release of endorphins, but it teaches your body to stay in a practically permanent orgasmic pleasure zone, able to orgasm over and over.”

3. Do develop orgasm triggers.

You might think that having sex is your orgasm trigger, but that’s not quite what we mean. Instead learn about the smaller signs that indicate you’re about to have an orgasm, such as your breathing. The more warning your brain gets, the more it will be able to summon the response when you want it.

Tracey Cox said: “Focus on what you naturally do on approach to orgasm, then exaggerate it. If you breathe heavier and faster, breathe even heavier the next time you’re about to climax. If you notice you tense your toes and throw your head back, do that.

“Get to the point where your brain thinks ‘aha deep heavy breathing combined with toe flexing means she’s about to orgasm’! Better get cracking then and make it happen!”

4. Don’t rush into it.

When you think you’re ready to start trying to have multiple orgasms with your partner (or by yourself) remember the golden rule – don’t rush it. For example, you could slowly apply lube to your partner and slowly start again, being aware if your partner is in any discomfort.

Ann Summers’ sex expert Eve Fifer said: “Your body will be much more sensitive after your first orgasm, which means carrying on with heavy stimulation straight away can be painful. And we don’t want that.”

5. Do use different stimulation.

No one likes to be bored in bed, especially your brain. And if you’re expecting yourself to orgasm again and again with the same stimuli then you’re probably going to be disappointed, so mix it up a bit.

“If you have your first via intercourse, you’ve got more chance having another through oral sex than through more penetrative sex,” said Cox.

“A third might be achievable through you masturbating yourself – it’s going to be the hardest to have, so call in the expert (you).”

6. Do take a moment to relax.

There is a big difference between taking a moment to relax between orgasms and just letting your body switch off and go to sleep. Of course it is important to give yourself a brief moment of relaxation (this isn’t meant to be a military boot camp) but stay in the moment and don’t drift away.

“This is what mindfulness is all about,” Fifer added. “Keep your head full of distinctly inappropriate thoughts.”

7. Don’t forget to breathe.

As with relaxing, don’t get so fixated on your orgasm goal that you forget to breathe properly, as this can play a massive part in your likelihood of reaching orgasm for a second or third time.

Cox said: “Some experts say holding your breath on orgasm heightens the sensation, others say if you starve your brain of oxygen, it forces oxygen-giving blood to flow toward it and away from your genitals.

“Continuing to breathe deeply through orgasm is recommended by spiritual sex devotees who claim it means you’re more likely to be able to have a second one.”

8. Don’t forget your partner.

In the midst of all this female orgasm chat, it’s important not to neglect whoever you are in bed with, especially as they may have already had their orgasm and not be feeling in the mood for round two.

“At the end of the day, a woman’s capacity to experience [multiple orgasms], depends on how relaxed and in tune with her body she is, how motivated her partner is, and how little they both have to do,” said Suzi Godson, sex and relationships columnist for The Times.

9. Do remember that practice makes perfect.

As with all things in life, if you want to get good, you’re going to have to put in some practice beforehand.

Fifer said: “Each orgasm will feel more intense than the one before it, and the more you practice the easier you’ll find it to reach the second, and third, and fourth.”

Complete Article HERE!

6 things we learned about sexual health this year

By Kaitlin Reilly

Sexual health is health — and, boy, did we learn a lot about it this year. After spending 2023 diving into studies, surveys and even pop culture moments that focused on all things sex, I’ve concluded that there’s always more to know about the more intimate side of our lives. Sometimes the things we learned may have felt a little TMI — like, say, the role Christmas ornaments have as potential sex toys. Most of the time, however, the stuff we learned about sex was pretty groundbreaking, such as how there are two types of desire, and neither is wrong.

Here’s a wrap-up of the top six things we learned about sex this year — and here’s to many more fun, sexy facts in the new year.

1. Many women keep a ‘sexual toolbox’

You may not find it at Home Depot, but more than half of menopausal women ages 50 and over who were asked about their sex lives in a September Kindra-Harris poll said that they kept a “sexual toolbox” to make intercourse more pleasurable. These products include lubricants, as well as vibrators, both of which can make sex more fun and comfortable, especially as many menopausal women experience vaginal dryness and other pain during sex, medically known as dyspareunia.

And speaking of lubricant — you may want to be careful about what you put in your own toolbox. If you are using condoms, whether that’s with a sex toy or partner, you should never use oil-based lube, as it can “destroy the integrity of latex condoms,” women’s health expert Dr. Jennifer Wider tells Yahoo Life.

You don’t have to be menopausal to benefit from lube either. “A myth surrounding lube is that people only use lube when something is not quite working correctly,” says Dr. Laura Purdy, chief medical officer at Wisp. “This couldn’t be further from the truth. Many people use lube to make things feel more natural, and lube can be your best friend during sex.”

2. There are 2 types of desire — and neither is wrong

In movies (and, of course, porn) all it takes is someone looking at their partner for Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” to start playing. In real life, sexual psychologist Laurie Mintz says that’s not exactly how things work — at least, not most of the time, and especially not for people in long-term relationships. That’s because there are two types of desire: “spontaneous desire,” which is when you feel aroused pretty much immediately, and “responsive desire,” which means you need some kind of stimulation in order to put yourself in a sexy mood.

“With this type of desire, one doesn’t wait to be horny to have sex, but has sex to get horny,” Mintz says, which means that “the desire follows the arousal, versus the reverse.”

Obviously, there are times when sex is completely off the table between two consenting adults — headaches and new episodes of The Golden Bachelor do exist, after all. However, these two kinds of desire may take some of the pressure off people who may feel like they have a lower libido simply because they don’t feel spontaneously sexual.

Instead of making yourself feel bad because you can’t go zero to 60, try engaging in things that make you feel in the mood before you get to your sexual main event, whether that’s masturbating, kissing your partner or even just relaxing and thinking about sex in the hours leading up to a planned encounter.

3. Young people are having less sex than their parents did at their age

Teen rates of sexual intercourse are declining, according to a 2023 published survey from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. The survey found that only 30% of teens in 2021 said they ever had sexual intercourse, down from 38% in 2019. While, yes, the COVID-19 pandemic did likely have something to do with the declining rates (it’s a little hard to socially distance during sex), some experts think there may be other reasons for the decline, such as more teens identifying as LGBTQ and engaging in sex acts that don’t necessarily involve intercourse.

It’s also possible that young people just aren’t growing up as fast as they once did. Jean Twenge, a San Diego State University psychology professor who reviewed the data for her book Generations, told the Los Angeles Times that more young people are living at home longer and delaying things like getting their driver’s license and going to college — which may also affect their sex life.

“In times and places where people live longer and education takes longer, the whole developmental trajectory slows down,” she said. “And so for teens and young adults, one place that you’re going to notice that is in terms of dating and romantic relationships and sexuality.”

4. People are using strange seasonal things as sex toys

TikTokers love to review the holiday items at Target each year, but Dr. Adam Gaston, an internal medicine physician since 2021, went viral on the platform for a different reason: by reminding his followers not to put said Christmas decor any place it “doesn’t belong.” Sure, that Christmas tree ornament may not be shaped all that differently from a dildo, but spending the holidays in an emergency room because glass broke inside your rectum or vagina is ho-ho-horrific.

Of course, it’s not just the holiday season that gets people hot, bothered and making bad decisions about what to use for sexual gratification: A 2013 case study revealed that things like ballpoint pens, a tea glass and even an eggplant were found in the rectum of different men, so really, why wouldn’t a Christmas ornament be on deck too?

Place those ornaments on your tree and add a silicone-based sex toy on your holiday wish list.

5. Libido gummies (probably) don’t work — at least not how you think

Popping a supplement or chewing on a gummy won’t make you instantly hot and bothered, even as more and more companies are selling libido gummies that claim to put women in the mood for love.

The jury is out on these products, says Dr. Tiffany Pham, an ob-gyn and a medical adviser for female health app Flo Health, as there is “a lack of robust research into the claims behind these supplements,” even as some individual ingredients show promise.

But that’s not the only reason they’re unlikely to be the sole solution for low libido for women: Libido involves more than just physical function and can be affected by everything from stress to past trauma to the connection one has with a partner. If you’re really struggling with a lack of desire, talking with a sex therapist will likely do way more than an over-the-counter supplement. And if you are curious about taking something to boost your libido, make sure to talk to your doctor, who can tell you if it’s safe to explore.

6. Dry orgasms are a thing for men

And Just Like That may be lacking the sex part of its predecessor’s name, but there’s still plenty of sex in the city for Carrie Bradshaw and her friends. In a 2023 episode, Charlotte and her husband, Harry, are having sex when Harry orgasms — only for no semen to come out. After consulting with a doctor, the couple learns he experienced a retrograde orgasm, or a dry orgasm, which occurs when semen enters the bladder instead of exiting through the penis, leading to little to no ejaculation. While Harry is instructed to do kegels — leading to Charlotte training him in the famed pelvic floor exercise — urologist Dr. Fenwa Milhouse told Insider that advice won’t help. Dry orgasms are typically a nerve issue and often caused by certain medications, like ones taken for diabetes, as well as pelvic injuries.

“It’s not dangerous. It’s not detrimental to the person’s body, but it can interfere with fertility because the semen isn’t getting where it needs to be, which is being deposited into the partner’s vagina,” Milhouse told Insider.

Bonus: Here’s how you find your G-spot (which may not be a ‘spot,’ after all)

Ah, the G-spot. If you’re a person with a vagina and have always found this famed alleged center of pleasure elusive, Martha Kempner’s breakdown of the G-spot includes where to find it. The G-spot is on the front wall of the vagina, nearly two inches in. Also worth noting? The G-spot may not be a spot at all but more of a zone, as, according to a 2022 article, there are actually “five separate erotogenic tissues that function in a similar way to the G-spot.”

One theory why stimulating the G-spot feels so good is that people are stimulating the clitorourethrovaginal (CUV) complex, which includes interactions between the clitoris, urethra and uterus, says Debby Herbenick, director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University and author of Read My Lips. A come-hither motion with two (well-lubed!) fingers should do the trick.

Complete Article HERE!

What Happens During an Orgasm?

— Here’s what science says about what your body goes through during the big moment.

By Izzie Price

Orgasms form a fundamental part of the human experience. They’re a natural biological process and are likely to take up a fair amount of time in our heads—whether we love them or fret about them.

How often have you worried that the sex was terrible because you or your partner didn’t orgasm? If you’re a woman, how many times have you worried that it “didn’t count” as an orgasm because you didn’t ejaculate?

More importantly, though, do you even know what’s going on in your body when you orgasm? Do you know about the many health benefits orgasms offer? Do you even know what an orgasm is?

What follows is a look into the science behind an orgasm, including the physicality of what’s happening. In addition, experts debunk some common orgasm myths.

What happens to your body during an orgasm?

“Orgasm, or sexual climax, is the peak of sexual excitement,” said Alyssa Dweck, M.D., a gynecologist in Westchester County, New York, and a sexual health and reproductive expert for Intimina, a brand of products focused on women’s intimate health. “Orgasm results in rhythmic muscular contractions in the pelvis—that is the uterus, vagina and anus. There are also elevated pulse and blood pressure, and rapid breathing.”

Dweck emphasized the psychological implications of orgasm related to the brain, including its release of the following:

  • Dopamine, which is the pleasure hormone
  • Oxytocin, which is the cuddling and bonding hormone
  • Serotonin, which is involved with mood, cognition, reward and memory
  • Endorphins, which influence pain perception, relaxation and mood enhancement

Sounds pretty good, right? What happens in your body that results in this physical and psychological burst of pleasure and excitement?

The process of orgasm can be broken down into four separate phases—arousal, plateau, orgasm and resolution—according to Masters and Johnson’s Human Sexual Response Cycle course.

“The excitement or arousal phase can last minutes or hours,” said Rachel Wright, M.A., L.M.F.T., a New York-based psychotherapist and host of “The Wright Conversations Podcast.” “Muscles get a little tense, your vagina may get wet, your skin may get flushed, your heart rate and breathing accelerating, your nipples may become hard and the breasts are becoming fuller.

“A penis will become erect and the vaginal walls will swell. The testes swell, the scrotum tightens and often the penis will secrete a lubricating liquid.”

It’s safe to say, then, that there’s a lot going on in the body when we get aroused. Things don’t slow down when we reach the plateau phase, either. Wright described it as “the excitement intensifying right up to orgasm in which the vagina swells from blood flow.”

The vaginal walls turn dark purple during this stage, Wright added. Then there’s the main event, which is the shortest phase of all.

“Some indicators of orgasm include involuntary muscle contractions, a rash or ‘sex flush,’ muscles in your feet may spasm, and you might feel a sudden or forceful release of sexual tension,” she said. “Your blood pressure and heart rate are at their highest rate at this point.”

For men, an orgasm triggers similar rhythmic contractions at the base of the penis. They result in the semen being released.

Are orgasms good for you?

The sheer amount of physiology associated with orgasms and the number of feel-good chemicals produced in the brain as a result seem to indicate orgasms are a biological necessity. Are they?

Dweck pointed to one study that indicated orgasms are perceived to improve sleep outcomes. Other health benefits include improved mood and increased life expectancy. This is all good but it has to be said: Orgasms are not essential.

“We don’t need orgasms, but they sure do feel good to have,” said Lyndsey Murray, a licensed professional counselor and certified sex therapist in Hurst, Texas. “I don’t like to put any pressure on having an orgasm because a lot of people feel like they are doing something wrong when orgasm isn’t achieved. When we take the pressure off having one, our bodies can respond naturally and lead to orgasms all on their own without us overthinking it.”

Orgasm myths and misconceptions

The orgasm gap—the high rate of male orgasms as compared to female orgasms—is real. But there are all kinds of myths and misconceptions about why those numbers aren’t closer together. Mostly, this is because of a lack of basic understanding of the female body and, subsequently, how it can reach and experience orgasm.

“The biggest misconception I note in clinical practice is the myth that vaginal penetration/intercourse always leads to orgasm when, in fact, clitoral stimulation is typically needed, and upwards of 70 percent of women won’t achieve orgasm through intercourse alone,” Dweck said.

The misconception that vaginal penetration always results in a female orgasm takes us to another common myth: “If an orgasm isn’t happening, there must be something wrong,” Murray said.

Not so. There could also be a technique issue at play, such as there being no clitoral stimulation.

“There may be sexual dysfunction that requires professional help. But it could also be performance anxiety getting in the way or maybe you just haven’t explored enough yet to figure out your own body,” she said. “I never like to use terms like ‘wrong’ or ‘failure,’ but instead, disappointment. If you’re disappointed with your sexual activity, focus on fun, pleasure and exploration.”

The biggest orgasm myth, according to Wright, focuses on physical evidence of sex taking place: “That there is only one kind [of sex] and there’s always ejaculation,” she said.

There can be 12 different ways for women to orgasm, she explained, which includes clitoral, vaginal, cervical and nipple orgasms. For men, she noted that orgasms can take the form of a wet dream, blended (whole body) or pelvic orgasms, as well as ejaculatory orgasms.

How can we improve societal attitudes toward orgasms?

Orgasms are great, sure, but they’re not the only thing that makes sex feel good. Sex is more holistic than that, and we need to enjoy orgasms without holding them up as the essential end result.

“The societal attitude I see most of is either orgasms mean great sex or no orgasm means the sex sucked,” Murray said. “I disagree with both sentiments. Usually what happens is someone feels like they failed themselves or their partner(s) if an orgasm didn’t happen. The next time they have sex, it becomes an over-focus on orgasm and no longer about fun, pleasure and intimacy.”

We should be talking more about the entire sexual experience and not the shortest part of the whole thing, Wright explained.

“In all the sexual response cycles, the orgasm is the shortest part, and yet we put so much focus on it. Sometimes, all the focus,” she said. “Try to focus on the experience and, instead of attaching everything to an orgasmic outcome, pay attention and focus on the experience. The experience is the pleasure.”

Complete Article HERE!

Keep It Up

— Why Married Couples Should Still Self-Pleasure

By Ashley Cobb

When most people think of self-pleasure, they often associate it with single people. However, self-pleasure or masturbation can actually be incredibly helpful in maintaining a healthy and satisfying sex, whether single or coupled. Quiet as it’s kept, self-pleasure is an activity that many people engage in but rarely discuss openly. Masturbation is not only natural but is actually healthy and beneficial for individuals and their relationships. Many couples may feel hesitant or even guilty about the idea of masturbating while in a committed relationship, but the truth is, couples can benefit greatly from self-pleasure. According to a study published in 2007, masturbation not only encourages sexual satisfaction but is also a healthy practice. A smaller study from 2015 found that married women who masturbated enjoyed greater orgasms and sexual desire, high self-esteem, and greater marriage and sexual satisfaction. If that’s not proof enough that self-pleasure can benefit your relationship, here are eight more reasons why married couples should enjoy self-pleasure and how it can strengthen their relationship.

It can increase intimacy

Engaging in sexual self-pleasure can allow couples to explore and understand their own bodies better. By doing this, they can learn what they like and don’t like, which can be communicated to their partner. Knowing what pleases oneself can help bring about better communication with their partner about what they want and need during sex. Not to mention, watching each other engage in self-pleasure can be incredibly arousing and bring couples closer together.

It relieves stress

Life can be stressful, and when it feels like you’re juggling a million things at once, it can be difficult to find time for intimacy with your partner. Engaging in self-pleasure can be a way to relieve some of that stress and tension, which can make you more relaxed and present during sexual activity with your partner.

It can improve sexual function

It’s no secret that as we age, sexual function can be impacted. Engaging in self-pleasure can help combat this by encouraging blood flow to the genital region, promoting vaginal lubrication, and potentially improving sexual function overall. Plus, practicing solo can help with premature ejaculation and even some erectile dysfunction issues.

It can be fun

Sex is meant to be enjoyable, and while it’s important to prioritize intimacy with your partner, it’s also okay to indulge in self-pleasure just for the sake of having fun. Without the pressure of a partner, individuals can let go and explore their bodies in ways they might not feel comfortable doing during partnered sex.

It can increase desire

Engaging in sexual self-pleasure can actually lead to a higher desire for sexual activity with one’s partner. It relieves sexual tension and can increase sexual attraction to a partner.

It opens up communication channels

Many couples find it difficult to communicate their desires, needs and wants when it comes to sex. By introducing self-pleasure into the mix, you are opening a channel for communication, making it easier for both partners to discuss their fantasies and desires.

It can be empowering

Many people, particularly women, are taught that self-pleasure is taboo or even shameful. However, embracing your own sexuality and engaging in self-pleasure can be incredibly empowering. It can help you feel more confident and comfortable in your own skin, which can ultimately lead to a more fulfilling sex life with your partner.

It can help you avoid pressure on your partner

In some relationships, there may be a pressure or expectation on one partner to be solely responsible for the other’s pleasure. This can be incredibly stressful and put unnecessary pressure on the partner in question. By engaging in self-pleasure, you’re able to take some of the pressure off of your partner and ensure that you’re both able to focus on enjoying each other without worrying about fulfilling specific expectations.

Self-pleasure is nothing to feel guilty about in a committed relationship. Overall, self-pleasure can be incredibly beneficial for married couples. By helping you better understand your body, relieve stress, spice things up in the bedroom, feel empowered, and avoid pressure on your partner, self-pleasure can ultimately strengthen your bond. Individuals should be encouraged to explore their bodies and find what they enjoy. So, if you’re in a committed relationship, don’t be afraid to explore your own sexuality and engage in a little self-pleasure from time to time. Your sex life (and your relationship as a whole) will thank you for it.

Complete Article HERE!

Remedial Jerkology

— A Better Way To Handle Yourself

By Dr Dick

In the last installment of my series on male masturbation, we discussed problematic masturbation styles—how they can get in the way of satisfying partnered sex, and offered a surefire way to resolve these problems. This time around, I’d like to offer suggestions on how men can use different styles of masturbation to overcome certain dysfunctions, such as premature ejaculation.

Short Fuse Confusion

Here we have 28-year-old Marcos from NYC:

I may have premature ejaculation, meaning after I’m excited, I can’t hold it in (ejaculation) for more than a couple of minutes, which worries me regarding the pleasure I can provide… Suggestions, other than the eventual doctor visit?

The curious thing about premature ejaculation is that what constitutes “premature” is pretty subjective. Some men report that they can only last a minute or two, others say they can last only 15 minutes, but all consider themselves as premature ejaculators. I’m not trying to suggest that PE is a figment of one’s imagination. On the contrary; any guy who isn’t satisfied with the control he has or doesn’t have over his ejaculation may fall into this general category. In the same way, lasting longer, whatever “longer” might mean, is a relatively easy thing to accomplish. All you have to do is work at prolonging the pleasure.

Let’s start with how you masturbate, Marcos. If I had to guess, these sessions are speedy little affairs, right? A quick wank just to relieve sexual tension is a good thing, but if that’s all the self-pleasuring you do, it will interfere with your partnered pleasure later. Look at it this way: If your body is sensitized to coming quickly while masturbating, then that’s how it’ll respond with a partner.

I suggest that you reevaluate your self-pleasuring activities. Most, if not all of your masturbation should be dedicated to full-body masturbation. The object is to play with the sexual tension that develops in self-pleasuring, and to delay the your ejaculation for as long as you can.

As you become turned on you, build up sexual tension. Move the sexual energy all over your body as you stroke your cock. Touch and pleasure your whole body — feet, nipples, asshole, etc. Make the pleasure last as long as you can. As you approach the point of ejaculation, stop stroking yourself and concentrate your play on the other parts of your body. When the urge to come subsides, you can start stroking your dick again. Repeat the process ’til you can last 30 minutes. (By the way, some people refer to this as edging or edge play — coming to the edge of coming and then backing away. Get it? Got it? Good!)

The purpose of this exercise, besides the joy of getting off on your whole body, is to teach your body a different way to respond to cock stimulation. If you practice this method conscientiously, it will increase your sexual stamina both alone, and when you’re with a partner, too. Spread the sexual energy around. Concentrate on stalling your orgasm through the techniques you learned in your self-pleasuring. If you’re getting close to coming, pull out until you regain control; then resume. This will take some practice, but it’s worth the effort.

One final thing: If you’re concerned about the amount of pleasure you can provide, short fuse or not, I always encourage the men I work with in my private practice to look to pleasuring their partners before they even get warmed up themselves. But even after you come, you still have a mouth and hands and fingers with which to pleasure your partner, so there’s never an excuse to leave a partner unsatisfied, regardless of your own sexual response cycle.

Keeping the Genie in the Bottle

Now let’s turn our attention to two other masturbation styles—one that comes out of the Tantric sex tradition, the other comes to us by way of the world of kink. Both are similar to edging, inasmuch as they help gain control over our ejaculatory response, however, each of these practices evolved for very different purposes.

Tantric sex is interesting, if for no other reason that it distinguishes between orgasm and ejaculation; a distinction all men should know. Although they often happen at the same time, we are capable of having orgasms without ejaculating. In the Tantric practice of controlled ejaculation, men avoid ejaculating during masturbation (or partnered sex), making it possible to capture and extend the energy of orgasm. Refraining from, or holding off on ejaculation, men can actually become multiorgasmic. Learning to control the wave of our orgasmic energy without releasing that energy, or chi, through an ejaculation will at least give the practitioner a fuller, more intense orgasm.

Here’s how this works. If you take the time, you’ll notice that you have four distinct stages of erection: lengthening and filling; swelling; full erection; rigid erection. The fourth stage, rigid erection, signifies ejaculation is close at hand. Knowing this, you can incorporate a couple of Tantric techniques to quell the rising tide. Conscious breathing is a key for extended lovemaking. Rapid breathing excites and arouses you. Slow, controlled breathing, way down into your belly, calms you and helps delay ejaculation. Focusing on your breath takes your attention away from your genitals.

Throw in a few Kegel exercises to postpone ejaculation as well. These contractions of your pelvic floor muscles will allay the approaching ejaculation.

You can also delay ejaculation by gently tugging on your balls down and away from your body.

Tantric sex is all about you being conscious of your full self in your sexual practices, alone or with a partner. Being aware of and controlling your breathing, your genital muscles and the build-up of sexual tension will allow you to last as long as you’d like. Tantric practitioners speak of opening one’s self to our higher “spiritual” centers of ecstasy, bliss, joy, and wonder.

Finally, from the kinkier side of things there is a version of ejaculation control that is far edgier than what we’ve discussed so far. Here we have actual orgasm denial, which is often associated with cock and ball torture and/or chastity play. This is either self-induced or part of power play between a sub and his Dom. We’ll leave the power-play dynamic for another time. For now we’ll just look at this as a kinky masturbation technique.

Here’s a typical scenario. An edger will begin to wank like normal, but when he gets near to coming—he stops stroking. So far so good. But here is where the cock and ball torture may be introduced. The guy will often squeeze or slap his cock and balls till the urge to shoot subsides. Once the urge to come quiets down, he begins to stroke again. Stopping again whenever he approaches climax. He repeats this whole “stop and start” cycle, along with the CBT for as many times as he would like, so that when he finally shoots, if indeed he permits himself an orgasm, it will be much stronger and he’ll spew loads more spunk.

However, like all things edgy, you gotta know when enough is enough. I know a lot of men who edge and they swear by it. I also know that a number of these men are doing themselves a disservice, even harm, because they are practicing an extreme version of edging. In the end, despite the stand-up nature of our dick, it is a very delicate instrument. Intense edging, especially accompanied by nasty squeezing or slapping to quell the building ejaculation can be injurious. And if you overdo orgasm denial you can injure your prostate and seminal vesicles.

Good luck!

Sex therapists on 20 simple, satisfying ways to revive your lost libido

— Losing your mojo is very common, but it can be overcome, whether through self-love, putting down your phone – or even a sex ban

By

Most people will experience a loss of sexual desire at some point in their life, be it due to parenthood, a health condition, hormonal changes, grief or other reasons. But how can you overcome this? Sex therapists and educators share the secrets to getting your mojo back.

1. Be aware that it is incredibly normal

“Fluctuations in desire are a natural part of the human experience, influenced by different life stages,” says Chris Sheridan, a psychotherapist and founder of The Queer Therapist in Glasgow. “We’re not robots,” says Natasha Silverman, a Relate sex and relationship therapist based in the Cotswolds. She has helped couples who haven’t had sex for decades and says this is one of the most common reasons people seek advice. “It is very normal for relationships to go through periods when couples aren’t having sex, or one person wants to and the other doesn’t.”

2. Mood is often a factor

Addressing this is the first step. “External life stresses and anxiety all put the brakes on sexual desire,” says Silverman. “If you are stressed and overwhelmed – worried about the kids or there are problems at work – it’s not going to be quite so easy to get into that headspace.” Medication such as antidepressants can also have an impact on sex drive, she adds.

3. Have a medical check-up

It is important to see a doctor about loss of libido. If people are describing anxiety, depression or other symptoms that may be connected to a health issue such as the menopause, “we do suggest that people get checked”, says Silverman. “For example, someone may have erectile difficulties that are putting them off sex. But if that is a chronic problem, it can be indicative of something like heart disease.”

4. Talk to someone outside the relationship

Find someone to confide in, says Silverman. This could be “a friend or a professional. Someone who can normalise it, help you look at why this might be happening and take the shame out of it. Think about when things changed and what might be making it more difficult.” Try to work out, “what it is that made you feel as if your mojo isn’t there any more”, says Dami “Oloni” Olonisakin, a sex positive educator and author of The Big O: An empowering guide to loving, dating and f**king.

5. Be prepared to talk to your partner

When you are ready, talk to your partner about how you are feeling. This could be in a therapy space or on your own. “Your partner will already be sensing that something has changed,” says Silverman. “And if you’re not talking about it with them, they are going to fill in the gaps, most likely with their own anxieties: ‘They don’t want to be with me any more’; ‘They don’t find me attractive’; ‘Maybe there’s someone else.’ So be upfront and honest.” Most people are too ashamed to work on stale, long-term relationships and be more creative about seeking pleasure together, says Todd Baratz, a sex therapist in New York City. It doesn’t “necessarily mean getting out the whips and chains, it just means communicating about sex, talking about what your sexual needs are”.

‘Set aside time each week to explore each other’s bodies.’

6. Single people struggle with desire, too

It is not only those in a relationship who experience a loss of libido. Silverman says she is seeing increasing numbers of single people who “want to iron out mistakes from previous relationships” and women, in particular, who have become used to “minimising their needs”. There are a lot of myths that need to be busted about the G-spot and what a healthy sex life looks like, she says. Being single is a good time to figure out what works for you “and make yourself more robust”, for your next relationship or sexual encounter.

7. Work out what desire means to you

“Society often normalises saying ‘yes’ to things we may not genuinely want to do, a behaviour that can permeate our relationship dynamics,” says Sheridan. “Expressing our true desires and practising saying ‘no’ enables us to transition into healthy communication characterised by negotiation and mutual consent.”

“What is really important,” says Miranda Christophers, a sex and relationship psychotherapist at The Therapy Yard in Beaconsfield, “is that both partners have the desire for desire. If somebody’s motivation for intimacy is because they know that their partner likes to have sex and they need to do it to keep the partner happy, that wouldn’t necessarily be a positive motivator. We try to get them to work out what they enjoy about sex, what they are getting from it.” That could be pleasure in the moment or a sense of connection afterwards.

8. In most couples, one person will want sex more than the other

“This phenomenon is not exclusive to heterosexual couples,” says Sheridan. “It presents similarly within same-sex and sexually diverse relationships”, in which there can be “an additional layer of complexity emerging due to the pervasive influence of heteronormativity”. “Desire isn’t necessarily gender specific,” says Baratz. “It is often assumed that men want sex all the time and women want to be seduced, and that’s not the case. People have a wide and diverse expression of how they desire, regardless of their gender.” That said, men tend to experience spontaneous desire, whereas women are more responsive, says Christophers, and desire may only kick in at the point of arousal.

9. A sex ban can be a good place to start

Silverman says many therapists will encourage couples to abstain from sex and masturbation while initial conversations are taking place, before introducing affection for affection’s sake that won’t lead to something else. Plus, “telling someone they can’t have sex tends to be an effective way to get them in the mood”, she says.

10. Looking back is crucial

As with any kind of therapy, considering past experiences, positive and negative, can help to process problems in the present. Sheridan explains: “Examining a client’s sexual response history across their lifespan allows us to discern whether the change is a situational occurrence or a longstanding pattern. A crucial aspect of this involves understanding the current and historical dynamics of their relationships.” Silverman adds: “We look at their first relationships, the potential obstacles that are in the way of them being able to let go sexually, any health problems, trauma or historic sexual abuse.” “Trauma has a huge impact on our sensory system,” says Baratz, “and sex is all about sensory experiences, so it’s going to potentially decrease the way we feel safe or connected to our senses. That means that we need to be with a partner we feel safe with.”

11. Rediscover non-sexual intimacy

This could be “kissing each other before you leave the house or playfully patting your partner on the bum as they walk past”, says Oloni. “Different things can help reignite that spark, so when you are back in bed you’ve done things throughout the day that remind you your partner still desires you sexually and is attracted to you.” Sensate exercises, in which couples are encouraged to “set aside time each week to explore each other’s bodies, focusing on the feeling that they have themselves when they are doing this”, are helpful too, says Christophers.

12. Scheduling

This isn’t for everyone, says Silverman, as it can make sex feel like even more of a chore. But it can be helpful for some, especially if young children are getting in the way. “Schedule a romantic date night or time to find different ways to get in touch with that side,” says Oloni. For new parents, Christophers advises: “Even if it is just for an hour, go somewhere else and create a more adult space together.” Baratz recommends “planning sex instead of relying upon spontaneity and declaring our schedules are too busy”.

13. Self-love is everything

“Emphasising self-love is integral,” says Sheridan. “As it empowers individuals to honestly articulate their needs and desires, building more authentic and fulfilling sexual and emotional intimacy in the relationship.” Take care of yourself too: shower and put on fragrance, says Baratz. “Exercise plays a big role in cultivating a relationship with your body.” He encourages “yoga, if that’s pleasurable, or massage or a spa day or a bath bomb – anything that is a sensory experience that feels good and will reinforce the connection that we can feel with our body”. “When you walk past a mirror, tell yourself how beautiful you are,” says Oloni. “How lucky anybody would be to be in your presence naked.”

14. Work on body confidence

This could be through “buying yourself new lingerie that makes you feel sexy”, says Oloni. “You need to find that confidence within yourself then present that to your partner. I used to work in Victoria’s Secret, and I remember a woman came in who had just had a child and she burst into tears because a bra looked good on her. That has stuck with me because it really does take the right type of underwear to make you feel sexy again, or to see yourself in a different way.”

15. Faking it can be counterproductive

Again, this is very common, thanks to people getting sex education from mainstream pornography, says Silverman, which often suggests women need to have penetrative sex to have an orgasm, whereas about 75% of women require clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm. But “every time someone fakes an orgasm, they are showing their partner the exact wrong way to make them climax – there is a sexual dishonesty there”, she says. “Some people do struggle to reach orgasm, which is known as anorgasmia. This can be a result of medication, trauma or trust issues that haven’t been explored. But generally speaking, people can reach orgasm on their own. We recommend that people get to know their bodies by themselves and what does it for them, before expecting a partner to know what to do.”

16. Pornography doesn’t have to be visual

“There is a difference between ethical and non-ethical pornography,” says Oloni. “And it is important to understand what has been created for the male gaze.” She points to other forms of erotica that can be accessed, such as audio pornography and literature. “There are so many different mediums you could get that sexual rush from, but I don’t think people truly explore. It’s usually the same link or bookmark of a favourite porn site or video. I think it’s important to mix it up, especially when it comes to fantasising. They say that the biggest sexual organ that we actually have is the brain. It’s so important to fantasise in different ways instead of just one.”

17. Think about ‘sexual currency’

“This is a term that a lot of sex educators are using now,” says Oloni, “which is designed to help you find that desire and spark in your relationship. It could mean cuddling more on the sofa when you’re watching a movie, or it could be remembering to kiss your partner before you leave the house.”

18. Write down things you want to try

This helps if you can’t say them out loud. Work out what they are and send over an image or link, suggests Oloni. “Write them down on bits of paper and put them in a pot,” says Christophers, so you can pull them out and potentially try something new. “Create an opportunity for playfulness,” she says. “A bit more intrigue, a bit more mystery.”

19. Variety is the spice of life

Oils, toys and other aids can be useful after body changes due to the menopause, having a baby or other health conditions, says Christophers, as is trying different positions. “Think about comfort and practical things, such as using lubricants.”

20. Put down your phone

For those who would rather go to bed with their phone than their partner, put it away. “This comes up a lot,” says Christophers. “I’m not saying don’t ever bring your phone into bed,” says Oloni. “But that could be a time where you up your sexual currency. You’re in bed with your partner. This is where you should feel your most relaxed but you can’t really unwind when you are on your phone, you’re still taking in so much information. You could use that time instead to not necessarily have sex, but just be still, hug, spoon or giggle with your partner.”

Complete Article HERE!

Women have more sex as they age

— And it’s better, too. A sexologist explains why.

By

  • Juliana Hauser is a licensed therapist who specializes in sex-positive counseling.
  • She says many women have better sex as they age.
  • Self pleasure can help women explore new desires, she said.

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Juliana Houser, a licensed marriage and family therapist who is the resident expert and advisor at Kindra. It has been edited for length and clarity.

The success of “The Golden Bachelor” has proven something I’ve seen in my work for a long time. When it comes to love, relationships, and sex, older people don’t want to be counted out.

Many of my clients in their 50s and beyond have vibrant, exciting, and novel sex lives. They want to be seen as sexual beings. When that occurs, great things happen: I’ve met many women who are having passionate, orgasmic sex that just gets better with age. Here’s how they’re doing it and the tips that can help you have the same, no matter what your age.

Harness confidence in yourself

Society feeds us lots of messages about what it means to be a woman who is desired and who desires others. We all have an image of what it means to be sexy — and if we don’t think we fit that picture, we can become disconnected from our own eroticism.

And yet, by the time women reach middle age, they have self-confidence. When you know who you authentically are, you can shed all the layers of what you thought sexy was. That lets you unapologetically embrace what sexy means to you.

Nurture the most important sexual relationship you have

Nearly everyone has their own individual sex life, whether they’re partnered or not. Your sexual relationship with yourself is the longest and most important sexual relationship you’ll have, but too often, we ignore it.

Create different sexual experiences for yourself, just like you would with a partner. Vary what times of day you self-pleasure; have slow, intimate sessions and quickies; explore your kinky side.

Take microdoses of pleasure

Lots of people, especially women, deprive themselves. We focus so much time on our careers and families while pushing pleasure off for another time — the weekends or vacation.

Instead of doing that, I recommend finding time for microdoses of pleasure every day. Change the pacing of pleasure until it’s something that’s constantly around rather than something to be waited for.

Connect with your senses

How do you microdose pleasure? By connecting with our senses. Feeling sensual can open the door to feeling pleasure, which I define as feeling a spark or vibrancy inside you.

Pleasure and sensuality start with things that aren’t sexual at all: a sunrise that brings you joy or the smell of a bouquet of flowers. Look for anything that makes your body say “yum” or “yes.” As you respond to that part of yourself, you’ll become more confident in finding and experiencing what brings you pleasure in bed.

Understand your body is changing

The impacts of menopause are undeniable and normal. But they don’t have to mean the end of your sex life — in fact, we’ve found that 70% of women who are 50 or older still enjoy sex.

There can be hard feelings associated with changing bodies and again. But embracing change can be helpful. Learn what works for your body now. Try products and toys that might ease any difficulties you have. Broaden your definition of sex. After all, there’s a whole continuum of what sex can be, not just penetration.

Get curious

Adapt an attitude of curiosity about sex. Google “10 best sex toys of 2023” and see what catches your eye. If you hear a term you don’t know, look it up. Ask your friends where they’re finding pleasure, or what aspects of sex and aging are challenging for them. Share your struggles and your interests.

You can even create a sex bucket list. Revisit it every now and then — you might notice that you might want to try things that were once a “no,” or that acts that were once appealing no longer intrigue you.

More than anything, know what pleasure is your birthright. Sexuality isn’t a luxury reserved for the young(er). It’s a necessity that we can connect with throughout our lives.

Complete Article HERE!

Masturbation Tips for People With Vaginas

— Masturbation is a natural and healthy aspect of sexual development that has many health benefits. There are various ways for individuals with vaginas to self-pleasure, including using their hands and toys to stimulate their genitals and other erogenous zones, like the nipples.

By

Key takeaways:

  • Masturbation has many health benefits, including reducing stress, improving sleep quality, and learning what feels pleasurable.
  • The most common types of masturbation include clitoral, vaginal, and anal stimulation or a combination of the three.
  • Tips for exploring each area include applying a lubricant, slowly increasing arousal, and experimenting with different strokes, pressures, and speeds.

If you’re new to exploring self-pleasure or looking for ways to enhance your experience, we’ve gathered some tips and insights below that may be helpful.

Benefits of masturbation

Masturbation has a myriad of health benefits, making it a healthy and fun sexual activity. Masturbation has been found to:

  • Reduce stress
  • Relieve sexual tension
  • Improve sleep quality
  • Enhance knowledge of how you like to be pleasured
  • Improve mood
  • Strengthen the pelvic floor muscles
  • Alleviate period pain for some people

Different types of masturbation

There are various erogenous zones for people with vaginas for self-pleasure. In this article, we’ll focus on the most commonly practiced types of masturbation to help you get started. However, there are many ways to explore and enjoy your body, and you should always feel empowered to pleasure yourself in a comfortable and pleasurable way.

Clitoral masturbation

Clitoral masturbation is the most common form of masturbation for folks with vaginas, as many people cannot orgasm without clitoral stimulation. The clitoris is a highly sensitive erogenous zone that contains approximately 10,000 sensory nerve endings, making it a prime area for self-pleasure. You can pleasure the clitoris using your fingers to rub all areas of the clitoris, or you can use a vibrating or suction sex toy for extra stimulation.

Vaginal masturbation

Vaginal masturbation is also another common form of masturbation, and while it feels pleasurable for many people, not everyone can orgasm from vaginal stimulation. There are several pleasurable areas in the vagina that you can explore, and many people find stimulating the top wall of the vagina, often referred to as the G-spot, pleasurable. You can pleasure the vagina using your fingers or a sex toy.

Anal masturbation

The anus and rectum contain many sensory nerve endings, making anal masturbation a highly pleasurable experience. You can please the anus externally using fingers or a vibrator or internally using anal toys or fingers.

How to get started

While each person’s self-pleasure routine will look different, there are a few tips that many people use to help get them in the mood.

Create a relaxing environment

To maximize pleasure during masturbation, it’s important to ensure that you have a cozy environment. To do this, first, ensure that you have some privacy by locking the door and switching off your phone to avoid any unwelcome interruptions. If you live somewhere with limited privacy, consider jumping in the bath or shower and locking the door behind you.

Next, make your chosen room as desirable as possible by considering what is pleasurable to each of your five senses. Consider lighting candles, dimming the lights, wearing something that feels luxurious or turns you on, and playing relaxing music or sounds.

Don’t forget lubrication

You may know that a lubricant is an essential ingredient for pleasurable intercourse, but did you know that it also makes masturbation feel amazing too? While the vagina is self-lubricating, sometimes it doesn’t produce enough lubrication to make sex pleasurable. This is why you should always use a lubricant when having any kind of sexual activity. And if you’re exploring anal play, lubrication is a must, as the anus isn’t self-lubricating.

Get exploring

No matter which area of the body you intend to explore, the key is to keep an open mind and get curious about how your body can feel and respond to pleasure. Explore different sensations, pressures, speeds, and areas of the body to find out what feels best for you. You may also want to experiment with toys or erotica to help increase arousal.

Tips for exploring the clitoris

The clitoris is a highly sensitive part of the body. Here are some ways you can begin exploring what feels good to you:

  • Start slowly. Start by applying some lubrication to the clitoris and labia, then slowly begin stroking your vulva. There’s no rush to get to the clitoris, so take your time by slowly building up arousal and allowing blood to flow to the area.
  • Vary speed and pressure. When ready, move to the clitoris, rubbing or stroking it with little pressure. Then slowly increase the pressure and the speed of the strokes to your liking.
  • Different techniques. You may want to explore different techniques, such as pinching the clitoris, rubbing it in circles, or stroking it up and down. You can also use a sex toy, such as a vibrator, to gently rub or press onto the clitoris.
  • Increase the pressure. Once you have found a sensation that feels good, increase the pressure and intensity of the strokes, rubbing, or vibrations until you reach orgasm or feel like you’ve had enough.
Tips for exploring the vagina

Finding out what feels good for you inside your vagina is important for increasing sexual pleasure. Try these tips to begin your exploration slowly and sensitively:

  • Stimulate blood flow. Start by applying a lubricant to the clitoris, labia, fingers, and sex toy. Then slowly begin stroking your vulva and clitoris to increase arousal and blood flow to the vagina.
  • Slowly insert fingers or sex toy. When ready, part opens your vagina with your fingers and insert your fingers or a sex toy. Then slowly start exploring the vagina, moving your fingers or toys in a circular motion inside the vagina to find a pleasurable spot.
  • New techniques. You may want to explore different techniques, such as using your fingers in a “come here” motion to stimulate the G-spot, moving your fingers or toys in and out of your vagina, or simultaneously playing with the clitoris.
  • Keep going. Once you have found a sensation that feels good, increase the pressure and intensity of the strokes until you reach orgasm or feel like you’ve had enough.

Tips for exploring the anus

The anus can be a deeply pleasurable area for some people. Try these tips to find out if it’s something you like:

  • Always lubricate. Start by applying a lubricant to your fingers or sex toy. Then slowly begin stroking and rubbing the outside of your anus.
  • Gentle exploration. When ready, carefully insert your finger or toy into your anus, then slowly start exploring the anus, moving your fingers or toy in a circular motion inside the anus to find a pleasurable spot.
  • Experiment. You may want to explore different techniques, such as moving your fingers or toy in and out of your anus or simultaneously playing with the clitoris or vagina.

It’s important to note that when using sex toys to stimulate the anus, they should have a flared base to prevent them from getting lost in the rectum, which can result in surgical intervention.

When it comes to exploring masturbation, the key thing that you should aim for is to have a pleasurable experience. While having an orgasm can be an amazing experience, masturbation without an orgasm can also be incredibly enjoyable. So try not to pressure yourself to have an orgasm each time you masturbate, but rather stay curious about what you find pleasurable, and enjoy the experience.

Complete Article HERE!

TikTok is talking about sex dry spells.

— So, how do you get out of a slump?

Sex slumps happen. Here’s how to reconnect.

By Anna Iovine

So, you haven’t had sex in a while. Whether you’re single or in a relationship, no sex can be troublesome — and with social media showing everyone’s highlight reel, you can feel like you’re the only one. The good news is, you’re absolutely not; TikTok has over 35 million videos related to “dry spells,” for example. And, luckily, there are steps you can take to help. Mashable spoke to three experts about what to do if you’re in a sex slump.

Why do dry spells happen?

There’s a slew of reasons why sex slumps or dry spells occur, including individual, medical, and relational reasons, said sex therapist, expert for sex toy brand LELO, and author of Becoming Cliterate, Dr. Laurie Mintz. For instance, medications like SSRIs can decrease interest in sex, as can physical and psychological reasons, like pelvic pain or depression. Sexual pain is often a hidden driver of a slump, she said; sex shouldn’t hurt, so if it does, see a doctor.

Issues like being too busy, chronic stress, insomnia, and body image issues can also lead to a lack of sex. Within relationships, anger and resentment (whether large or small), or feeling either disconnected or too connected (like siblings) can as well, Mintz continued. Other issues like sexual boredom and not enjoying sex can result in sexual disinterest, too.;

“To understand the reason for a dry spell it’s important to understand that our sex life is a very sensitive creature, which responds to what is transpiring in our lives in general,” said Julia Svirid, in-house sex coach at sex education platform Beducated. Unresolved issues like those mentioned above, as well as mismatched libidos or desires, can lead to a dry spell.

On the other hand, dry spells can occur even if there’s no issues in the relationship. If you have a lack of free time or are experiencing a major life change — like moving or having a baby — that can contribute to the lack of sex too.

Take a moment to admit you’re going through a dry spell and miss sex, said Svirid. “There is nothing wrong with you,” she said. “Single people experience sex slumps all the time too.”

Ask yourself what’s stopping you from having sex. Here are some questions Svirid offered:

  • Did you have negative sexual experiences in the past, and now you are afraid of being intimate?
  • Are you unsure where or how to find a partner?
  • Have you forgotten how the “sex game” works because you have been out of it for so long?

Whatever the reason, Svirid said, addressing it can help you move forward.

You don’t have to do this work on your own; professionals like sex therapists can help you. “If underlying issues persist, it’s advisable to consider sex therapy or consult a healthcare professional for medical concerns,” said sexologist at Bedbible Rhiannon John. “Therapy can be beneficial for both individuals and couples, depending on the underlying issues, and it can provide support through medical challenges as well.”

John also advised prioritizing self-care to reduce stress and enhance your overall well-being. This includes getting enough sleep, movement, and nutritious foods, and maybe even some meditation.

Don’t forget to masturbate, either. Mintz recommends reading, watching, or listening to erotica to get your interest going. Invest in your pleasure with sex toys and lube; you don’t need a partner to enjoy those!

“Take time to explore your own desires and fantasies through self-pleasure or self-discovery,” John concurred. “This can be through masturbation, or through sexual mediums such as erotica, or ethical pornography.”

How to get out of a dry spell if you’re partnered

Communication is always the first step to solving a couple’s sexual problem, said Mintz. Talk about it outside the bedroom. Here’s a script she provided:

I want to talk to you about something that’s a bit scary to discuss. However, I love you and want our relationship to be the best it can be and so I am bringing this up. I’ve noticed that we haven’t been having sex as much lately. Our sexual relationship is important to me, and I want us to figure this out and work on it.

Then, talk about the reasons the dry spell may be occurring, whether they’re specific to your relationship (i.e. resentment) or not (i.e. stress). Once again, you may find a therapist (general or a sex-specific therapist) helpful to work out issues. If therapy is inaccessible, there are other educational resources out there like books — such as Mintz’s — and sites like Beducated.

“Both partners should be willing to make changes and put in some effort,” said Svirid.

Make sex a priority by committing time and energy to it. Mintz suggested scheduling sex — it may take away the spontaneity, but it can assure you and your partner will get some sexy time in, and it can build anticipation. You may find that you’re too tired to have sex at night; do so in the morning or afternoon if possible.

If you have children, perhaps you can find time to have sex when they’re at an extracurricular activity or with their grandparents. Hire a babysitter and instead of going out to dinner, book a hotel room, Mintz said.

Try new things, be it toys, kinks (if you’re both into that), or erotica — especially if boredom is the main reason behind the slump. Let go of what sex “should” look like, be it spontaneous or penis-in-vagina, and instead focus on each other and your pleasure.

But don’t forget emotional intimacy, either. John recommends scheduling date nights or other intimate moments that allow you to reconnect on a deeper level. This will strengthen the emotional bond between you two. There are other ways to maintain intimacy besides sex, as well. “Even if sex is less frequent, continue to nurture emotional intimacy through cuddling, hugging, and affectionate gestures,” said John.

“The most important thing,” Svirid said, “is to be honest with each other and for both of you to be willing to make changes.”

Understand that sex slumps are normal, Svirid continued, and not having a ton of sex doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you or your relationship. Mintz said the sooner these issues are addressed, the better, however, so issues don’t snowball.

“If you expect your sex life to always remain the same, no matter what, then you are setting yourself up for disappointment,” Svirid said. Just as you and your partner will change as individuals over time, so will your relationship and so will your sex life.

Complete Article HERE!

There’s more to sex than having an orgasm

– Men need to understand that

It’s time we stopped putting so much emphasis on ‘the big O’

By

There’s nothing quite like the expression on a man’s face after he’s made a woman orgasm – that cheeky smirk and unmistakable glint in his eyes that’s just begging for some ‘good boy’ praise.

Ladies, you know what I mean… and gentlemen, I’m about to let you in on a secret.

That climax you were so proud to deliver? It might have been nothing but an elaborate show.

Most straight women I know have – at one point – faked, exaggerated or skipped their own pleasure. But we never pretend for our own benefit.

So, dear men, it’s time to sit up and pay attention as we tackle ‘the big O’.

Beyond faking it, I want to highlight how women can find it very embarrassing to discuss orgasms (or the lack thereof) and sometimes feel immense pressure to perform.

Just like some men may feel uncomfortable talking about erectile dysfunction because it can trigger feelings of shame, women who struggle with or can’t climax worry about being seen as ‘abnormal’ or ‘dysfunctional’.

Interestingly, a study from last year showed that women who have difficulty ‘getting there’ are more likely to feign enthusiasm in bed, too.

Sometimes it’s easier to fake it than admit, to ourselves and others that the orgasm is out of reach. This can happen at any time, to anyone.

A few years ago, my sex drive dipped due to side effects from medication. It was temporary and I knew that I’d eventually finish the course of drugs and everything would return to normal, but it still threw me off my game.

Don’t make orgasms the be-all and end-all of your pleasure because that’s a losing game

I was having regular sex with a partner at the time. I opened up to him about it all and, with a bit of coaxing, we were able to re-ignite my libido, but the orgasm didn’t follow.

The more my partner kept trying to help, the worse things got. He tried to use his hands, offered oral and was very enthusiastic, which I was very grateful for – but the enthusiasm just made the situation more pressurised.

He meant well but I could tell that he wanted that pat on the back for a job well done. To him, getting me off was a mission – to me, it was much more complex.

My vulva and vagina felt physically numb. It was as if someone had shut off the 10,000 nerve endings in my clitoris.

Determined to ‘fix’ the issue, I turned to masturbation, assuming that this would be easier because I was on my own, meaning there was no time limit.

One of the biggest concerns other women raise with me about orgasms is that they feel like there is a clock ticking, which prevents them from fully relaxing. This happens to me too, sometimes.

I eventually climaxed while playing solo but it took much longer than usual. The whole thing was unnerving, because the level of effort I’d had to put in just made me feel drained.

Without meaning to, I had taken the pleasure out of the experience. And this is a big part of the problem with orgasms.

In recent years, we’ve made great strides in closing the ‘orgasm gap’ (in short: men climax more often than women during sex and we’re trying to change that) but somewhere along the way, we missed a trick.

Because the point isn’t climax – it’s pleasure.

It’s time we stopped putting so much emphasis on ‘the big O’, especially when you consider that some women struggle with anorgasmia, a phrase used to describe the inability or difficulty for women to orgasm.

There are also those who enjoy sexual stimulation but don’t care about the ‘end goal’, who prefer to climax alone or who only do so if they have an emotional connection to a sexual partner. All of this should be acceptable and normal.

Don’t make orgasms the be-all and end-all of your pleasure because that’s a losing game. Besides, just because you can’t climax, it doesn’t mean you can’t have an amazing time in the sack.

Complete Article HERE!

I Can’t Orgasm, Am I Broken?

By Sriha Srinivasan

The first time I had a go at an orgasm, I tried to plan for everything. Music? Check. Unrealistic erotic content? Check. Privacy? I mean, as much privacy as a young teen could get in her childhood bedroom so…kinda check? Fingers ready, I went for it and as my desire to succeed crescendoed, I didn’t. I felt nothing. Truth be told, my first attempts at masturbating were uncomfortable and embarrassing.

When I confided in my friends, they were sympathetic but it seemed that each of them in their own way had figured themselves out. They couldn’t relate to my struggle to orgasm. Throughout my teenage years, I tried modifying every variable I could think of. I thought that if I just had the right playlist, or tried moving my fingers at exactly the right angle, I could spontaneously fix myself. But I still couldn’t reach the elusive ‘big O’ my friends talked about: the supposedly euphoric experience that I’d watched play out on TV and in movies. I started to think that maybe I wasn’t meant to experience an orgasm. That maybe I was broken.

Hearing about my struggle, a friend who I had always looked up to for her confidence and strength took me aside on my 17th birthday and presented me with a small box. “It worked for me,” she said. “It might just work for you.” It was a brand-new Satisfyer Pro, a clitoral vibrator apparently changing the sex toy landscape for people with vaginas. It was totally portable, waterproof, sleek, shiny — and utterly terrifying. I didn’t touch the box for at least a couple of months. I watched YouTube reviews and revisited the step-by-step articles from my youth that promised to teach me how to orgasm before setting out to give it a try. Unfortunately, the first time using the vibrator was too much for me. Even the slowest setting felt like ants all over my clitoris. So I hid the box away and grappled with a fresh onslaught of shame.

It was a shame that I needn’t have felt. Despite my generation having more information than ever at our fingertips, our sex education is still deeply flawed and far from comprehensive. As a teen growing up in the San Francisco Bay Area, I was lucky to be surrounded by empowering young people who talked openly and honestly about pleasure. I remember being 13 and at a Halloween slumber party, having whispered conversations by flashlight after putting on flimsy sheet masks and eating popcorn, laughter hiding our nervousness over topics we really didn’t know anything about. These conversations led me to the teenage manuals of women’s magazines and websites, where I learned that there was an elusive state called an ‘orgasm’ or, colloquially, ‘the big O’. For penises, ejaculation was the obvious marker of having reached orgasm. But for vaginas? The scientific literature I came across wasn’t helpful at all and mainly referenced studies from the early ’70s. The articles I read described reaching orgasm as feeling like fireworks, whatever that meant. My curiosity led me to follow each article step by step in my bid to discover what an orgasm actually felt like, ultimately leading me to my initial failed attempt. Years had gone by and here I was at 17, still hitting the same wall.

In high school, fueled by misinformation, stigma and frustration at my perceived failure to experience an orgasm, I became involved in sex education. Simultaneously, I grew comfortable with my culture as the daughter of immigrants, and as a rising senior created a consent curriculum that I taught to over 300 youth in my parents’ hometown in south India. After I came back to the United States, I became a UCSF California-certified sexual health educator and eventually, during my final year of high school (and at the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic), I set out on TikTok, creating my platform @sexedu to reach as many as I could with my work.

From what I’ve seen as an educator, the United States is in desperate need of comprehensive sex education. We need to deconstruct the idea that sexual wellbeing is a taboo topic. I know now as a creator that my story of struggling to figure out how to orgasm isn’t unique. I want every young person to know that regardless of their journey with pleasure, they aren’t alone and they aren’t broken. That’s why I’m sharing my story. In 2023, we need stories to break the stigma.

In what felt to 17-year-old me like a last-ditch effort, I shared my desolate feelings with the friend who’d gifted me the vibrator. She urged me to try again — she said that it was uncomfortable simply because it was unknown. It was a brand-new sensation; I just had to lean into the discomfort to make a discovery. I took a long, hard look at myself. I looked at my body with a mirror in an attempt to become comfortable with these parts that society had made me shy away from. I shoved down the shame I felt and focused on exploring, not on the destination I sought. Yes, I reached those fireworks. Yes, it felt brand-new the first time, and a little uncomfortable because of that. But yes, it was fantastic. It was an experience that belonged to me and that connected me to humankind.

In the end, the elusive orgasm was a journey for me as it is for so many. After all, there are so many types of orgasm: clitoral, vaginal, deep vaginal, G-spot, anal, nipple, ‘coregasms’, audio/visual, blended and possibly more (there’s a debate to be had about the exact number of types given the lack of research on pleasure for people with vaginas). The journey to reaching an orgasm looks different for everyone! Some reach their first orgasm early on with ease; others might not say ‘orgasm’ aloud until they reach college. You shouldn’t feel pressure to orgasm every time either — even the practice of masturbation without orgasm can be pleasurable.

You aren’t broken if you can’t orgasm from penetration alone, or if you need a half hour of foreplay, or if you can’t orgasm more than once at a time. Pleasure is a biological function; it can also be magical and frustrating and your relationship with it can change over time. But regardless of all this, pleasure unites us all — via orgasm, or whatever pleasure might look like for you. It is your right to experience pleasure in whatever consensual capacity you choose.

Complete Article HERE!

The secret to better sex?

— Have it with yourself.

In a sex recession, consider the benefits of a DIY approach.

By

Many of us grew up reading glossy instruction manuals full of increasingly eccentric tips for pleasing a partner. A few memorable ones from my own tween reading years: Eat a doughnut off their genitals. Run an ice cube down their abs. Prior to sex, perform a chair-based dance routine. Moisten your mouth by imagining that it is full of Skittles. There were fewer instructions, of course, on how to help your partner please you.

If you have the kind of social media feed prone to churning up sex-positive Instagram infographics — or if you’ve ever masturbated — you are likely aware of the benefits of self-pleasure. Masturbation, wrote radical sex educator Betty Dodson in her 1987 classic Sex for One, is “the ongoing love affair that each of us has with ourselves throughout our lifetime.” Dodson, who later schooled Gwyneth Paltrow on vaginas for her Goop Netflix show, saw in masturbation nothing short of a path to world peace.

Sex educators rightly extol the endless upsides of masturbation: physical pleasure, relaxation, absolute safety from sexually transmitted infection, the powerful feeling of meeting your own needs. But telling people to masturbate for wellness reasons can begin to feel a bit like telling someone with depression to take a walk and drink a glass of water: It’s probably a good idea, but it’s annoying to hear.

For some people, this pervasive messaging has the opposite of its intended effect. “I have, over the years, also heard from many young women, especially, who feel pressured to masturbate—and some young men,” sex researcher Debby Herbenick tells Vox. Instead of masturbation as an act of personal discovery, it can feel like another tedious opportunity for self-optimization.

What the pro-self-service discourse sometimes neglects is this: Addressing your erotic needs through masturbation is a key strategy to bringing those same impulses to partnered sex, and for people with vaginas, it’s worth getting some reps in. And, of course, most of the research included in this space is on cis, straight people, so I recognize that these experiences won’t be universal — but everyone can benefit from a reminder that our bodies are worthy of pleasure.

Taking time to figure out what feels good

If you’re having meh sex with casual partners, pleasure-phobic pundits and well-intentioned friends might urge you to seek deeper emotional connection and monogamous commitment. Which, sure! If that’s what you’re into. There’s another option, though: Getting better at getting yourself off, so that you can give clearer instructions in the future.

“A lot of us are having unsatisfying sex. And they want that to change, but they want it to just change overnight,” says Dominique Oster, a sex and relationships therapist. “They want their partner to just suddenly get it. They want them to just suddenly know, but they don’t want to do the work that it takes to get there.”

When clients come to her sharing that they are unable to orgasm, or that they want sex but are simply unable to enjoy it in the moment, she, like many sex therapists, encourages them to practice masturbation.

“We owe it to ourselves to give ourselves and our nervous system a chance to re-regulate and create some new neural pathways,” Oster says. “This is not like a ‘Cosmo Five Tips to Better Orgasm.’ This is: How do I have better mental health around my body and my sexuality?”

Betty Dodson, in her ’80s masturbation manifesto, called it “the best way to gain sexual self-knowledge and to let go of old sexual fears and inhibitions.” She added, “For women especially, it’s a way to build confidence so we can communicate clearly with our lovers.”

A 2019 study of over 2,000 women found a stark contrast in the ways women were bringing themselves to orgasm through masturbation and the ways they attempted to orgasm with a partner. On their own, women “tend to use less conventional techniques for arousal during masturbation compared with partnered sex,” the researchers found. Those who were able to align their solo style with the way they had sex with a partner — conjuring fantasies, using vibrators, positioning their bodies in their preferred ways — had more orgasms, and better ones.

Of course, orgasm is not the only marker of a positive sexual experience, but it is a significant one. A study of young adults in 2019 found that people who orgasmed in casual sexual encounters were more likely to have positive emotions about those encounters. Critics of casual sex argue that it can lead participants, particularly women, to feel empty and worthless afterward. The reason could be a sense of loneliness or shame, but it could also be that sex didn’t feel that good physically. If that’s the case, the answer might not be to give up on sex, but to try to figure out what would actually feel good.

That’s what Maria Yagoda did. Yagoda is a sex writer who spent years recounting her sexual exploits online, writing articles with headlines like “What It’s Like to Ride a $2,000 Vibrating ‘Sex Machine.’” At 28, she finally admitted that she wasn’t enjoying sex — she was simply “enduring” it. She faked orgasms, approximating moans while thinking about the IRS. Even though she was technically a sex expert, she found it hard to acknowledge that, as she writes in her new book Laid and Confused: Why We Tolerate Bad Sex and How to Stop, that “sex is meant to be pleasurable, not a method-acted performance of pleasure so gripping even the actor believes it.”

A pathway to better sex — including casual sex

It’s easy to read an account like Yagoda’s and conclude that casual sex is simply unfulfilling, and ought to be abandoned. Anti-hookup culture screeds, which often marry puritanism to the language of progressivism, argue that the answer is to contain sex within the framework of committed monogamy. Amid the often troubling critiques of hooking up is genuine concern for women’s sexual satisfaction and sense of erotic self-worth. In 2006, then-Washington Post reporter Laura Sessions Stepp fretted about the implications of hookup culture for girls’ futures as “mothers, workers, and members of a community.” She also worried, rightly, about whether the girls’ and women’s partners were treating them with care.

In a 2022 TikTok viewed nearly a million times, “very much pro-ho” creator Cindy Noir echoed these concerns, urging women to ask of their casual sex partners, “Does he value you and consider you and your pleasure? Is he trustworthy and safe for you and your body?” Hookup culture can sometimes be a “scam” for women, said Cindy. This is statistically true, at least as far as orgasms go — in heterosexual partnerships, men are vastly more likely than women to orgasm during casual sex.

Lack of pleasure is an excellent reason to avoid any kind of sex, casual or committed. But as Yagoda argues, “Pleasure is a practice.” Instead of renouncing casual sex, she set about discovering how to make sex more pleasurable for herself. She took up a period of celibacy to figure out, on her own, what she wanted. She practiced meditation and tried out various sex toys and lubes, enacting what Dodson called “the ongoing love affair” with herself. “I had never touched myself like this before, like a person I loved,” Yagoda wrote of her new approach to masturbation.

“The age-old difference between how men and women approach sex and sexuality is that men tend to be self-focused in their sexual experience or their exploration, and women tend to be more focused on the other person,” says Oster. “And that really gets in the way of us being able to experience what’s actually physically happening in our bodies.”

Getting your reps in

With self-pleasure, intentionality is key. “I don’t shy away from turning it into a chore,” says Oster of encouraging her clients to masturbate. “I really do like to remove some of the mysticism and some of the romance from this as a practice.” Lighting a scented candle is nice, she says. A clearer way to get in touch with the sensations might be to ask yourself, “What does this physically feel like? What thoughts are coming into my head? Can I return my body to the physical sensation when they do? Can I move through that and breathe through that and stay in my body?”

In 2022, researchers led by Herbenick published the first nationally representative survey on American masturbation habits in 10 years. Asked to share their primary motivation for masturbating, a significant number of women participants said they wanted to explore their sexuality. The study looked into a question that is debated by sex researchers: Does masturbating, in general, make people want to have more sex? Or less?<

There is some evidence for both theories, Herbenick told me in an interview, but the 2022 study found more evidence for the “complementary model” among women, meaning that women who had more partnered sex also had more solo sex. “You might be somebody who really enjoys your own fantasy and desire and arousal and orgasm through masturbation,” says Herbenick. “Doing so may help you to kind of feel enlivened and desirous, and sometimes the focus of that may be a partner.”

Couldn’t it be that women who have more frequent sex with men are actually masturbating more because they are unsatisfied?

“For some portion? For sure,” says Herbenick. But there is data, she says, that “certainly some people actually masturbate right then and there, right? Like they didn’t get an orgasm through their sex with their partner. So they will say, ‘Well, I just sort of rolled over and finished myself off.’” Practicing by yourself is good for that, too.

Practice makes pleasure

Two decades before Dodson’s masturbation manifesto, in 1966, sex researchers Virginia E. Johnson and William H. Masters published a groundbreaking report that included the following bombshell: “If there is no psychosocial distraction to repress sexual tensions, many well-adjusted women enjoy a minimum of three or four orgasmic experiences before they reach apparent satiation,” they wrote. After a decade of observing individuals masturbating and couples having sex, they had seen the truth with their own eyes:

Masturbating women concentrating only on their own sexual demands, without the psychic distractions of a coital partner, may enjoy many sequential orgasmic experiences without allowing their sexual tensions to resolve below plateau-phase levels.

Writing in crisp, clinical terms that nevertheless thrilled the reading public, they added: “Usually physical exhaustion alone terminates such an active masturbatory session.”

Masters and Johnson advised men to pay attention to their partners’ wants and stop guessing, applicable advice to people of all genders. “Rather than following any preconceived plan for stimulating his sexual partner, the male will be infinitely more effective if he encourages vocalization on her part,” they concluded. “The individual woman knows best the areas of her strongest sensual focus and the rapidity and intensity of manipulative technique that provides her with the greatest degree of sexual stimulation.”

Unfortunately, the average layperson has not read Masters and Johnson’s 1966 findings — so with that in mind, one must communicate one’s sexual desires directly. Doing so, instead of hoping that a sex partner somehow figures it out, involves “rejecting the idea of sexual chemistry as a rigid, fixed thing,” writes Yagoda. She cites the work of therapist Pamela Joy, who argues that people who want to get better at talking about their needs during sex should start with a much smaller step: just getting comfortable talking about sex outside of the actual act. You can take tiny sex talk steps by talking more honestly with friends, listening to sex education podcasts, and following sex and kink educators on Instagram.

Yagoda also recommends frontloading the communication — “Do you mind if we go slow tonight?” is a great thing to say to a hookup partner while the night is young and the Netflix original is still playing in the background. And when in doubt, she says, there are a few words to keep in your toolbox: “‘Faster.’ ‘Slower.’ Harder.’ ‘Softer.’ ‘Yes.’ ‘No.’ ‘Ouch.’ ‘Wrong hole.’”

Oster adds that if you have a consistent partner, telling them about your self-pleasure practice will help them keep up with what you like. “If we can encourage our partners to see that we are changing, that we are exploring, that can kind of reduce some of the charge of, ‘Well, she used to like this. Now she just must not like sex anymore.’” It’s not always obvious that people have evolving sexual tastes and desires, but those things can be framed as “dynamic,” Oster says, rather than a dead end.

Masturbation, like other sex-related things, is increasingly celebrated in the mainstream, while stigma is continually reinforced everywhere else. Mentioning masturbation in a sex ed class is still enough to garner a teacher death threats, but you can stand in a Target aisle and compare the Rabbit, the LELO, and the Dame vibrators. Jane Fonda recently gave Drew Barrymore a sex toy on daytime TV, but shame and fear still prevent people from being direct with their partners about pleasure.

“There is no specific technique that can turn bad sex into pleasurable sex,” Yagoda writes. “There is no new angle or position that can rehabilitate your relationship with pleasure. But there are so many little practices, little shifts in perspectives that can open our bodies up to pleasure.”

It’s true that masturbation has not yet brought about world peace, as Dodson once dreamed. Still, we’ll keep practicing until we get there.

Complete Article HERE!

Don’t feel pressured, learn to ‘simmer’ and keep experimenting

— How to have great sex at every stage of life

Expert tips on a fun, fulfilling sex life – for teenagers, octogenarians and anyone in between

By

Age 16-25

Don’t worry if your first time isn’t perfect
“It’s not helpful to think of sex as having one big ‘first time’. You’ll probably have lots of first times,” says Milly Evans, author of Honest: Everything They Don’t Tell You About Sex, Relationships and Bodies Instead, she advises breaking it down into all the individual firsts you might have – “your first time having oral sex, penetrative sex, using hands or using toys”. Even if you experience all of these with one person, there will be a whole new set of firsts to explore with a different partner.

Communication is the thing that matters most
This holds true whatever age you are, according to Clover Stroud, author of My Wild and Sleepless Nights “Communicating clearly about desire, or how you like to be touched or treated, isn’t easy. I wish I’d known how much sex improves as you get older and become more confident about what you like and how to communicate those needs.”

Being ready to have sex is more than just a feeling
“It’s about lots of practical and emotional things too,” says Evans. “Does the idea of having sex make you excited or anxious? Do you know enough about contraception, STIs and consent? Do you know where to access support if something doesn’t go to plan? Would you have to drink alcohol in order to feel confident enough to have sex? Is there a safe place for you to have sex? Safety, comfort and wellbeing are essential.” If you can’t answer all of these questions positively, you probably aren’t ready.

Think about what you want ahead of time
“Reflecting can help you feel more prepared and in control,” says Evans. “Take a look at boundaries around things like touch, communication and time. Ask yourself if the relationships or sex depicted on TV, in books or on social media are what you’d like from your own. And remember that sex is something that happens with you, not to you – speak up about what you want, and encourage partners to do the same.”

Switch off negativity
“As you’re looking at movies or television or porn, or magazines or music videos or social media, ask yourself, ‘After I see this, am I going to feel better about my body as it is today, or worse?’” says sex educator Emily Nagoski, in her book Come As You Are. “If the answer is ‘worse’, stop buying or watching those things.” This is especially important where porn is concerned.

As the recent report from the children’s commissioner for England, Rachel de Souza, has highlighted, the increasingly abusive, aggressive behaviour depicted on many mainstream porn sites is normalising sexual violence and exploitation among teenagers, affecting their mental health and undermining their ability to develop healthy sexual relationships.

You have the right to change your mind
“Don’t feel pressure to do something sexually that you’re not comfortable with,” advises psychotherapist Silva Neves, author of Sexology: The Basics. “You can always say ‘no’ or ‘pause’, or say ‘no’ after you’ve said ‘yes’.”

Age 25-35

It’s good to simmer
“The happiest erotic couples make a point of enjoying feeling aroused together for its own sake – even on days when sex isn’t on the menu,” says US sex therapist Stephen Snyder, author of Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship. “In sex therapy we call this simmering. It’s what teenage couples do whenever they get a moment’s privacy. Quick, intimate bodily contact, fully clothed – just enough to get you slightly buzzed.”

Penetrative sex isn’t the gold standard (nor, for that matter, is simultaneous orgasm)
Many of what we have come to perceive as cultural markers of sexual excellence are spurious ideas that are now being refuted by science – and more honest, open debate around the subject. Such ingrained cultural beliefs are worth challenging. Do what works for you rather than what society tells you ought to work for you. For example, says Neves: “Many gay men don’t have anal sex at all, but prefer oral sex and intimate touching. Similarly, many women have very good sex without penis-in-vagina sex.”

You need to set the right conditions for sex
Context is everything, explains Nagoski. If you’re feeling relaxed, loved and fully present (as opposed to, say, worrying about an email you need to send, an argument you’ve just had, or whether the children might walk in on you) you’re likely to have better sex. If you’re not, it doesn’t matter how sexy your partner is, how much you love them, how fancy your underwear is or how many candles you light – almost nothing will activate that desire. Nor is it about what you do with your partner, which body parts go where, or how often, or for how long. It’s about sharing sensation in the context of profound trust and connection, and recognising the difference between what great sex is really like and what most of us expect great sex to be like.

You don’t have to have sex at all
“Gen Z are having less sex than millennials, who have less sex than older generations. This is often treated as a bad thing, but it might reflect more self-awareness in a hypersexual society,” says Aimée Lutkin, author of The Lonely Hunter: How Our Search for Love Is Broken. “Think about what you want out of sex and be honest about whether it is the thing you are really seeking. Is it intimacy? Community? Distraction? If it is sex, that’s great. The more in touch you are with your needs, the more likely it is you’ll make the connections you want to.”

Commitment and monogamy can be exciting
“In my teens and 20s, I thought good sex was about physical desire,” says Stroud, “but in my 30s I realised that feeling psychologically ‘seen’ by another, and trusting them implicitly, is where good sex starts. Then you learn to take huge risks with them too. At that point, commitment and monogamy get really exciting.”

Age 35-45

It’s normal for sex to drop off the list of priorities
“When you have a new baby or you’re caring for an elderly parent, overwhelmed with work or coping with some other form of stress, sex won’t be top of the agenda (though for some it will be a useful stress reliever),” writes Nagoski. “Don’t panic about it. It’s a phase you’ll pass through when you’ve managed the stress, and you’ll find your way back to the other side.”

Have a six-second kiss
“Greet one another at the end of the day with a kiss that lasts at least six seconds, or a hug that lasts at least 20 seconds. That guarantees you will both produce the hormone of emotional bonding, oxytocin,” says relationships expert John Gottman, co-author of The Seven-Day Love Prescription.

Make sex a priority
“Don’t make lovemaking the very last item on a long to-do list,” says Gottman. “Make it a real priority. Go on an overnight romantic date at a local B&B, or farther afield, at least four times a year.”

Don’t try to second-guess what your partner will enjoy
Whether you’re trying to sustain sexual satisfaction in a long-term relationship or wondering why a new partner isn’t responding to your usual moves the way a previous one did, the key is to be really honest about what works (or doesn’t) for you, instead of expecting your partner to guess. “About a quarter of women orgasm reliably with intercourse,” writes Nagoski. “The other 75% sometimes, rarely or never do, but might orgasm through manual sex, oral sex, vibrators, breast stimulation, toe sucking or pretty much any way you can imagine. They’re all healthy and normal. Similarly, a woman can be perfectly normal and experience arousal nonconcordance, where the behaviour of her genitals (being wet or dry) may not match her mental experience (feeling turned on or not).”

Have sex with yourself
Whatever age you are, “masturbation can be a great way to explore your body and fantasies”, says Evans. “Spend time creating your own storylines and find out what turns you on. You can also explore a whole world of visual, written and audio erotic content – but make sure it’s ethical (ie it is consensual, treats performers with respect, and pays performers and makers fairly). Audio erotica, in particular, has become more mainstream, especially among those who aren’t into visual porn, enjoy bringing their imagination into solo sex or want to try something new.” Two of the best-known platforms are Quinn and Dipsea, but it’s a fast-growing market.

Mothers are allowed to enjoy sex, too
“It is a complicated balance, being both a mother and a sexual being,” says Lucy Roeber, editor of the Erotic Review, which relaunches later this year. “In our society, we sometimes expect women who give birth to pass through a door into an idealised state of maternal preoccupation without a backward glance. Yet they have the same messy lusts and cravings. My advice is: don’t strive to be too perfect a mother and don’t deny yourself pleasure. It is surprisingly easy for women to accidentally put their sexual being to one side while they work on motherhood. Yet the two can and should work together. After all, in most cases, it was sex that started the process of parenthood in the first place.”

Age 45-55

To cuddle or not to cuddle?
Snyder says that “cuddling tends to deplete a couple’s erotic energy. If you like to cuddle together while watching TV, then be sure to ‘simmer’ [see above] during the ad breaks.” Gottman, however, advises “a daily cuddling ritual for watching films and TV shows at home where you actually stay physically in touch with one another. On one of these nights offer to give your partner a 15-minute massage.”

Don’t wait for desire to strike – practise creating it
“Too many couples only have sex when they feel desire,” says Snyder. “That’s fine when you’re 20. But by 50 most people are more interested in a good night’s sleep. What to do? Have sex anyway.” Nagoski agrees that pleasure matters more than desire. She says: “Create a context that allows your brain to interpret the world as a safe, fun, sexy, pleasurable place. It’s called responsive desire and it asks that your partner help you in creating good reasons for you to be turned on. While some people have a spontaneous desire style (they want sex out of the blue); others have a responsive desire style (they want sex only when something pleasurable is already happening). The rest, about half of women, experience some combination of the two.”

Embrace body confidence
“I’ve found that being in my 40s is entirely liberating. We get better as we shed the self-consciousness of youth, the desire to please, the emotional pliability. I love my body. It is the map of the years I’ve lived,” says Roeber. Nagoski questions wider sex-negative culture. “If you’ve learned to associate sexual arousal with stress, shame, disgust and guilt, you won’t have as good a sex life as someone who associates it with pleasure, confidence, joy and satisfaction,” she says. “Begin to recognise when your learned disgust response is interfering with your sexual pleasure. Your genitals and your partners’, your genital fluids and your partners’, your skin and sweat, and the fragrances of your body – these are all healthy elements of human sexual experience.”

Manage the menopause
Hormonal changes during the menopause and perimenopause can trigger a host of symptoms (low libido, fatigue, low mood, vaginal inflammation or dryness) that do not make a recipe for romance, according to Dr Louise Newson, GP, menopause specialist and founder of the Balance app. “If you notice any of these changes, see a healthcare professional for a proper diagnosis and to discuss treatment options.” Don’t assume these issues will only start in your late 40s, either. “Though the average age of menopause is 51, one in 100 women will go through menopause before the age of 40. Even if you have an ‘average’ menopause, the perimenopause often starts in your early 40s.”

Have a sex date
“Set a date to meet naked in bed to do absolutely nothing at all,” advises Snyder. “Talk, if you like, but this isn’t the time for deep conversation. Instead, focus on experiencing what’s going on in your body at that moment. Time is an endless string of such moments. Pay attention to a few of them. That’s often the best preparation for good lovemaking afterwards.”

Learn how to reconnect
“It can be hard to connect to someone intimately if you don’t feel connected to them emotionally. Launching into ‘You don’t make me come any more’ or ‘You never want sex and I feel rejected’ will put your partner on the defence,” says Ammanda Major, head of service quality and clinical practice at Relate. “Saying, ‘I’ve noticed we seem to have drifted a bit on this and I’m really hoping we might talk about it’ is gentler. You’re not making assumptions about what your partner might be feeling, but you are showing that you’re interested in what they have to say about it. Once you’ve got those things in place, you can have a conversation about how to deal with it.”

You’re never too old to experiment
“We have one body, but it can experience so many different forms of pleasure, especially when we open our minds. The more we accept the lie that our lives are over at 40, the more we are just cutting ourselves off from possibility,” says Lutkin. Newson agrees: “Your 50s and 60s can be a time of sexual liberation when your children may have flown the nest or you may be back on the dating scene after the end of a relationship. Many of my patients tell me that HRT and testosterone have given them a new lease of life. Make sure you are using lubricants [see below] and toys that are safe. These can ease discomfort and make sex more enjoyable, but many brands of lubricant contain irritants like glycerine and parabens, and should be avoided.”

Age 55-65

Focusing on sex drive is a wrong turn
So often we use the catch-all phrase “sex drive” to describe our enthusiasm for, or lack of interest in, sexual activity. In reality the process is more complicated than whether you’re feeling in the mood or not. “Your brain has a sexual ‘accelerator’ that responds to ‘sex-related’ stimulation: anything your brain has learned to associate with sexual arousal,” says Nagoski. “It also has sexual ‘brakes’ that respond to anything your brain interprets as a reason not to be turned on. Constantly monitoring for footsteps in the hallway? Have sex when no one else is home. Tired? Have a nap. Icked out by grit on the sheets? Change them. Cold feet? Put on socks. Sometimes it really is this simple.”

Follow the recipe for romance
While everyone’s particular sexual preferences may differ, studies suggest there are some commonalities among couples who claim to have great sex lives. “From the largest study ever done on what makes for great sex, the Normal Bar study, as well as our own studies, there are a baker’s dozen suggestions that set apart people who say they have a great sex life from people who complain that their sex life is awful,” says Gottman. “Things that work include kissing passionately, giving each other surprise romantic gifts, talking comfortably about their sex life and having weekly romantic dates.”

Manage dryness
“One symptom affecting a healthy sex life that should be on every woman’s radar is vaginal dryness,” says Newson. “You might also experience soreness, itching, irritation, painful sex, vulval changes and UTIs. It can be hugely distressing – I’ve treated women who have been in so much discomfort they can’t put on a pair of trousers or even sit down, let alone have intercourse. But it can be managed by using vaginal oestrogen or HRT and avoiding tight-fitting clothing. You should also avoid perfumed soaps and shower gels or intimate-hygiene washes.”

Find out what you like as a couple and make it happen
Monogamy is sometimes framed as the death knell of erotic connection, but, says Nagoski, this is a red herring. “Passion doesn’t happen automatically in a long-term, monogamous relationship. But it does happen if the couple takes deliberate control of the context,” she says. So find out what is pleasurable for you as a couple and spend time creating the context that leads to it. Often, but not always, we fall into one of two categories – those who need space from a partner in order to create spontaneous desire and those for whom great sex tends to happen when it’s preceded by affection and intimacy.

Don’t take things for granted
People often get stuck in familiar routines in the bedroom but, whether you’re with a long-term partner or starting a new relationship, it’s important to check in now and then and ask whether your usual approach is working. “If something doesn’t feel quite right, it’s important to be able to talk about it honestly and caringly,” says Major.

Age 65-plus

Don’t rush things
“If you’ve been in a partnership for many years that has now ended, you may want to get out there and meet people,” says Major. “But if something doesn’t feel right, it isn’t. Whether you’re 18 or 58, having sex is something to do when you feel confident that there is a degree of trust. New partners may have different expectations from you and different experiences. That’s potentially two very different sets of boundaries.”

Make the wellness connection
Older generations sometimes see sex as a taboo subject. If that’s the case for you, try reframing sexual wellbeing as one component of your wider physical and mental wellbeing. Whether you’re eager to discover positions that are easier on arthritic joints or prefer the closeness of a cuddle, maintaining intimacy can significantly boost overall wellness. Conversely, good health habits can improve our sexual wellbeing, particularly as the effects of ageing start to kick in. “Not drinking too much, eating sensibly and exercising regularly can all have a beneficial impact on our sex lives,” says Major.

Seek medical help when needed
Many older couples say erectile dysfunction medications make sex less anxiety-provoking, says Snyder, just as a lubricant can help some women. “Sex and worrying don’t go well together. As a sex therapist, I’m always happy when a couple has one less thing to worry about.” Major agrees: “Issues like erectile capacity and vaginal dryness need not rule out a satisfying sexual connection. But seeking medical help where needed is important – lumps, bumps, weird bleeding and poor erectile capacity can be symptomatic of health issues. And with the number of STIs in the over-65s having significantly increased as people move out of long-term relationships and start new ones, it’s important to get checked out.”

Strive for connection
“Being able to share intimacy with a partner, as opposed to just wanting intimacy for yourself, is vital,” says Major. “Your level of energy or physical connection might be quite constrained, but it’s very possible through gentle touch, words or kindness to maintain that core intimacy. For some couples, the physicality of sex becomes unimportant in later life, but what they have is a deep emotional connection – an ability to talk honestly and openly and caringly with one another.”

Welcome your sexuality
“The most important thing you can do to have a great sex life is to welcome your sexuality as it is, right now,” says Nagoski, “even if it’s not what you wanted or expected it to be.”

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