Category: Self-Confidence

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What Is Oxytocin?

— Here’s everything you need to know about the aptly named ‘love hormone.’

By Xenia E.

Oxytocin is a natural hormone that can cause powerful effects governing social behavior, reproduction, birth, pleasure and stress reduction. It’s commonly referred to as “the love hormone” for its role in sex, trust and attachment.

“Oxytocin is both a hormone and a neurotransmitter that can make us feel good and feel a sense of connection with those we care about,” explained Susan Milstein, Ph.D., a human sexuality health educator and medical review board member of Women’s Health Interactive in Brooklyn, New York.

Oxytocin is associated with the other feel-good neurotransmitters, dopamine and serotonin. It’s a significant chemical messenger found in all mammals.

How is oxytocin released?

Milstein explained that oxytocin is released in the hypothalamus, above the pituitary gland. The hypothalamus is the part of the brain that governs major functions such as appetite, body temperature, emotion regulation and hormone release.

Oxytocin is then secreted into the bloodstream by the pituitary gland, a pea-sized gland that governs major bodily functions such as metabolism and sexual function. Oxytocin is released in response to nerve activation, such as receiving a massage, birth or breastfeeding.

Oxytocin secreted from the pituitary gland is then released by oxytocin receptors in response to various stimuli.

“Lots of things can cause it to be released, including being aroused by a partner, feeling close to a loved one, exercise or even listening to music,” Milstein said.

Though oxytocin is associated with social behavior, people don’t require the direct contact that its alias, “the love hormone,” would imply.

“You don’t need to have a partner to release oxytocin; spending time with friends can cause it to be released, so can petting your dog,” Milstein said.

You don’t need close proximity to others to release oxytocin, either.

“Exercise, listening to music, masturbation and medication can all cause a release of oxytocin,” Milstein said.

Low-intensity stimulation on the skin, such as holding hands or a massage, and warm temperatures can trigger a release of the hormone, too.

But there is a reason behind the hormone’s nickname. Milstein said people think of oxytocin as either “the love hormone” or the “cuddle hormone” and associate it with birth and babies.

“All of these are accurate. Oxytocin is released during both sexual arousal as well as during cuddling and sensual massage. Touch or being around someone we care about can both lead to the release of oxytocin,” Milstein added.

Oxytocin is also one of the few hormones whose production and release have a positive feedback loop, meaning activation stimulates the pituitary gland to produce more of it. The most common point of reference for oxytocin’s feedback loop is during birth, when oxytocin creates uterine contractions and its release results in stronger contractions.

What is oxytocin associated with?

Oxytocin’s wide-ranging effects are associated with childbirth, breastfeeding, sex, social behavior, stress and a birthing parent’s ability to bond with their infant. Oxytocin also governs many emotions, such as happiness and affection. Oxytocin was initially deemed a “female” hormone because of its role in childbirth and breastfeeding, but it is present and significant in males and females. However, oxytocin levels may be higher in women. It’s rare for people to produce inadequate oxytocin levels.

Numerous studies on animals and humans show surprising benefits of the hormone: It may help with addiction cravings, wound healing, infant bonding and social stress. Researchers are exploring the hormone’s role in mental health, namely addiction, depression, eating disorders and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Much of this research is in the preliminary stages.

Stress and oxytocin

“Oxytocin can help bring down our blood pressure and our cortisol levels. Cortisol is one of our stress hormones, and as those levels come down, our bodies will get to relax,” Milstein said.

Oxytocin can also increase pain tolerance.

The use of oxytocin has been postulated as a concept to alleviate psychiatric symptoms, because of oxytocin’s effects on stress regulation. Oxytocin has also been found to reduce anxiety-related behaviors and plays a significant role in sleep promotion.

Birth, lactation and infant bonding

Oxytocin is released during childbirth and breastfeeding, Milstein explained. The word “oxytocin” comes from the Greek language and means “swift birth,” and there’s a reason for the accurate translation: Oxytocin stimulates uterine contractions. Then oxytocin release continues after childbirth and helps the birthing parent birth the placenta.

Oxytocin can also be administered as an agent to induce labor or speed up a labor that began on its own. After oxytocin is administered, contractions usually start shortly afterward. Oxytocin’s release may also boost the production of prostaglandins, which also help stimulate uterine contractions.

During breastfeeding, oxytocin takes on an impressive role. Oxytocin helps to stimulate lactation in response to nipple stimulation when an infant is breastfeeding; oxytocin causes breast milk to release. The “letdown reflex” or “milk ejection reflex” allows breast milk to flow, which causes a release of oxytocin in the bloodstream. The reflex is conditioned by a nursing parent thinking about their baby, expecting to feed or hearing their infant cry.

Various animal studies associate an increase in care and bonding with offspring with increased oxytocin levels. The other feel-good effects of oxytocin also help new parents care for their infants. Oxytocin may also increase levels of affection, which is part of the reason skin-to-skin contact is recommended after birth; holding an infant increases oxytocin levels.

If you can have oxytocin administered during birth, is it possible to take a prescription version and receive the same touted benefits of the hormone? Clinical trials are examining its effects as a nasal spray. Some studies find taking a synthetic version of the hormone exacerbates stressors and increases hypersensitivity.

The effects of naturally occurring oxytocin are extensive. From being instrumental in birth and lactation to helping direct social behavior and regulating stress, there’s a reason this hormone is classified as a feel-good one. There are also plenty of ways to release oxytocin: through sex, exercise, hugging, spending time with loved ones and listening to music. Much of the research around oxytocin as a treatment for addiction and psychiatric disorders is still emerging, but there’s reason to continue to explore its capabilities.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How To Teach Girls What A Healthy Relationship Looks Like, Early On

by Kimberly Wolf, M.Ed.

Love is one of the highest-impact subjects you can teach. Fortunately, it’s also one of the easiest to broach.

If you’re tempted to open up a discussion of romantic relationships with “no dating until you’re 30!” you wouldn’t be alone or entirely misguided. Throughout history, conventional wisdom held that fathers should teach their daughters about the perils of love, stop their potential ravishers at the door, and avenge their heartbreaks.

While your role has evolved, and dad jokes about scaring dates away are far past their prime, there are some real dangers you want to address. Identifying these risks can help your daughter recognize any potentially harmful patterns in her relationships and help her avoid or address them early on:

The risks of romantic relationships:

  • Loss of personal identity. Girls can become so wrapped up in their romantic relationships that they get distracted from schoolwork, let their friendships slip, and devote less focus to their own passions.
  • Emotional distress. Fights, disappointment, and heartbreak can send girls spiraling.
  • Risky sexual behavior. If girls’ relationships become intimate, there is the chance for risky sexual behavior to occur. Girls need to be educated about sexual health.
  • Dating violence. Dating violence, including sexual misconduct, is a matter of international concern.

The building blocks of healthy relationships.

Some of these building blocks may seem obvious, but you can’t take for granted that your daughter will figure them out easily. Telling her the basics can make a positive difference, saving her time and limiting confusion and heartache. Here are some characteristics of good relationships:

  • Partners feel happy and content in the relationship most of the time.
  • There are strong feelings of psychological safety and joy and low levels of drama and jealousy.
  • Partners feel accepted. They don’t feel pressured to change their appearance, values, hobbies, or other personal characteristics.
  • Partners maintain their personal identities and activities and stay focused on their individual goals and responsibilities, enjoying their relationship as just one part of their lives.
  • Partners share a strong emotional connection, not just a physical connection.
  • Partners communicate openly and directly to voice boundaries, build trust, and solve conflicts quickly.
  • Partners speak and act kindly to each other, boosting each other’s self-esteem.
  • Partners are not physically violent.
  • Partners end relationships respectfully.

Red flags in relationships.

Discussion of potential red flags also has an important place in this conversation. Here are some concerning signs your daughter should be aware of:

  • Feeling like a romantic partner is excessively jealous.
  • When a romantic partner acts controlling or tries to dictate what their significant other is allowed to do, where they can go, and who they can spend time with outside the relationship.
  • A partner feels guilty, like they can’t do anything right, or that they are “in trouble” with their romantic partner often.
  • Any type of physical violence or threat of violence.
  • Any type of sexual violence.

Girls’ common questions and concerns.

Why it seems like “everyone is in a relationship.”

Explain that for a lot of reasons, it might feel to your daughter like she is the only one not in a relationship. It’s easy to focus on what others have. A lot of movies depicting life in middle and high school focus on a love story, which makes it seem like having a relationship in your teens is something that needs to happen or should always happen. And romantic relationships are glorified and depicted in the music girls listen to and the Netflix shows they binge. Since our culture places so much value on relationships, it makes total sense she may feel like the only single person at one time or another.

Make sure she knows that most people have their first relationships after high school and that relationships don’t always happen on our timelines. Relationships are about connecting with the right person at the right time. And make sure she realizes that lots of people have the moment she is having, where they feel like they are the only one without a significant other. Her time to be with someone will happen, and it will be worth the wait.

With this approach, you are making her feel heard, honoring her feelings, and reassuring her while also offering her facts to back up a different point of view. She may not be in the mood to consider her situation from a different perspective, but she may come back to it later.

How to get into a relationship.

This is another common question for girls. Mention that relationships begin in all different ways. Help her see the benefit in spending time with people who make her happy and who make her feel relaxed and confident. Sometimes, girls focus on crushes who don’t have the same feelings or who are interested in other people. Encourage your daughter to really pay attention in these moments, noticing whether certain crushes and relationships actually make her happy. Explain that you can’t always choose the way you feel or who you are attracted to, but you always have the ability to change your focus to the people you feel comfortable around and who value you.

Things to say:

  • I love you.
  • Love is an important part of life.
  • Healthy relationships can be a fun and meaningful part of life.
  • It can feel like everyone else is in a relationship, but that isn’t the case.
  • Relationships should add to your sense of inner peace and confidence, not cause anxiety.
  • You should never feel like you have to change or be uncomfortable to make someone else happy.
  • Trust your gut feelings about someone.
  • Jealousy, controlling behaviors, and violence are not markers of authentic love.
  • Be truthful and kind in relationships.

Things to not say:

  • You’re not dating until you’re 30.
  • Relationships don’t matter right now; focus on your homework and friendships.
  • You’re too young to be in love.
  • You don’t know what love is.
  • Relationships never work out.
  • All men are dogs.

Questions to ask:

The topic of love and relationships comes up in a song, TV show, or movie. Ask:

  • Do you think the way they are talking about love is realistic?
  • Do you think the media sets healthy expectations for real-life relationships?
  • Do you think the media influences the way your friends view love and relationships? How?
  • Who do you think are the most realistic TV or movie couples? Why?

Your daughter and her friends are talking about crushes and/or significant others in your presence. Later on, ask:

  • Do you think most people you know in relationships are happy? Or do people get caught up in the drama?
  • Do you feel like your friends are always respectful and caring when talking about other people’s relationships?
  • What do you think are the best things about relationships right now?
  • What is most exciting to you about relationships?

Your daughter is in a relationship that seems positive. Ask:

  • What is your favorite thing about [name]?
  • Are there ways you feel that being in this relationship is helping you?
  • What do you feel like you’ve learned so far about relationships?
  • What are the ways you communicate best together?

Beyond the conversation: modeling healthy relational behaviors.

When it comes to teaching your daughter to recognize healthy relationships and incorporate healthy relationship strategies, the example you set is paramount. You don’t have to be perfect, but whenever possible, model the habits you hope your daughter will form, even in trying times. Show her what it means to treat loved ones with respect and resolve conflicts in caring ways. If you have a romantic partner, be mindful of cultivating healthy relationship dynamics together. Your daughter will notice and develop expectations for her relationships based in great part on your actions and behaviors.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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8 Rules My Parents Had That Made Me Comfortable With My Sexuality

By Jeana Jorgensen

I was fortunate to grow up in a fairly sex-positive household. But this doesn’t mean anything inappropriate happened, like, ever. Remember, sex-positive doesn’t mean sex-fiend, and sex-positivity doesn’t connote constantly being exposed (or exposing others) to sexual things.

I don’t know, in retrospect, that my parents would necessarily identify with the label of being sex-positive, but I’m running with it anyway.

Here’s why I think my upbringing was sex-positive and how my parents made me comfortable with my sexuality:

1. We established that bodies were normal and natural.

Nudity wasn’t shamed in our household, though once my sister and I grew out of being cute toddlers it became less of a clothing-optional thing.

2. Bodily functions were also normal and natural.

We learned early on about periods because we were curious about what was going on with our mom.

3. Reading wasn’t censored.

I found a “where babies come from” book when I was pretty young (I was an advanced reader from an early age) and my parents didn’t freak out. Instead, they made sure to talk to me about it.

4. We watched things together as a family.

We didn’t consume tons of movies, TV, or video games, but we did watch a lot of things together, even some R-rated things (mostly foreign films). I remember my mom saying, “I’d rather you see sex than violence in movies; sex at least is natural and creative, whereas violence is destructive.”

And given that the film Willow scared me a ton when I saw it in theaters, I was happy to follow that directive.

5. We didn’t belong to a religious organization that shamed sexuality or promoted intolerance.

My upbringing was mostly in a secular Jewish context, with more emphasis on family gatherings and food than dogma.

6. Other sexualities were accepted.

There were some non-straight people in our lives, but my parents didn’t act like we needed to be protected from them. Some of our relatives lived together in domestic units without being married. I once asked my mom what she’d do if I wanted to date women, and she replied that she’d love me all the same.

7. Our consent was respected.

Yes, we had to do things we didn’t want to, like chores, homework, piano practice, and not bringing books to the dinner table, but we were never forced to hug relatives or be in uncomfortable proximity to people we didn’t like or know.

Bodily autonomy is an important lesson for children to learn, as it establishes a precedent for them as adults. Sexual violence was never dismissed, normalized, or made light of. It wasn’t a joking matter. Rape culture is damn insidious, but it didn’t have a huge foothold in our home.

8. Gender roles weren’t emphasized as the determinants of our worth.

Sure, my mom did the bulk of the cooking, but she was good at it (dinner with Dad meant going out or reheating leftovers). I was equally encouraged to play sports, compete on the Academic Decathlon team and take belly dance classes.

I’m sure there are other ways in which my upbringing was sex-positive, but these are the ones that stand out. Every family is different, with their family folklore and customs both expressing and reinforcing their values.

There are lots of ways that sex-positivity can look in the context of a family raising kids; I’m not trying to promote my own experience as normative or ideal for anyone but me.

My sex-positive upbringing prepared me for life as an adult in many ways.

I didn’t grow up with a sense of shame around my body — having a period, masturbating, being a woman, eventually wanting to become sexually active with others.

I didn’t feel like sexual desire was dirty; I felt assured that my parents would love me no matter what my sexuality turned out to be (or my career or the rest of my life), and I carry that confidence and self-worth forward into all my relationships.

I feel comfortable expressing myself in different gender roles, though I gravitate toward conventional femininity in many ways (and I acknowledge that being cis-gender comes with bunches of privilege).

I had a working model for common-sense feminism early on; we weren’t necessarily debating gender performativity at the dinner table, but I saw my parents both conform to and rebel against gender norms in the various choices they made, while figuring out how best to nurture me and my sister.

Reading the above paragraphs, it doesn’t seem like these experiences should be unique or revolutionary. But in our sex-phobic culture, they are.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Has your relationship lost its sexual spark?

Here’s how to bring it back and escape your dry spell

Don’t panic if you’re in a dry spell

By

Feel like your relationship is in a rut, sex-wise?

You’re certainly not alone.

When you’ve been in a relationship for a while, it’s natural for your sex life to go through ups and downs.

But when you’re in a low point, things can feel a bit dismal.

A recent survey from Burton Constable Holiday Park (don’t ask us why they’re doing this bit of research, we’re not sure either) found that 22% of respondents said their relationship spark had disappeared.

The number one cause given for this? A lack of physical affection. Perhaps PDA is worth giving a go… or just more physical intimacy at home, if you’re not keen on putting on a display.

Other reasons confessed for a lull included not going on enough dates with their partner, a shortage of communication, and not having enough one-on-one time.

Relationship expert Hayley Quinn suggested that to remedy this issue, couples should go on regular holidays together.*

*Okay, now we understand why a holiday park commissioned this research.

‘I don’t think many couples put the time and effort into reigniting romance, which isn’t a criticism; it’s difficult when you have to deal with life admin,’ says Hayley. ‘Spending time to create romance easily falls to the bottom of the pile.’

While a romantic getaway does sound nice, it’s not your only option for escaping a sexual dry spell.

We chatted with relationship expert and author Lucy Beresford for her wisdom.

Try not to take a dry spell personally

There are so, so many reasons why sex might not be happening as frequently as it used to. Don’t jump to conclusions.

Lucy tells Metro.co.uk: ‘Recognise that sex is complex and may be about stress or lack of confidence on the part of your partner, so less to do with you and how desirable you are.

‘Focus on adoring yourself and treating yourself with love and respect, so that you are not reliant on how your partner feels about you.’

Have an honest conversation

It’s tough when you feel like you’re the only one struggling with your relationship’s lack of sexual passion.

The first step to sorting this out is acknowledging that there’s an issue.

‘The right amount of sex is different for every couple, so start by having conversations about the current situation to find out how your partner feels and to state your own needs gently,’ Lucy says.

‘Make sure you have these conversations when you both have time to give each other space to state your needs and listen to each other, and keep the focus positive and with no judgement or blame.

‘Explore whether your partner feels the lack of sex is because of a non-sexual relationship issue. For example if they feel you’re distracted, not making time for them, or not supporting them emotionally, you both need to work together on that issue first.’

Ditch guilt, blame, and shame

Stop beating yourself up for not having an allnight sex session every other day.

‘Remember that we often make the mistake of believing everyone else – particularly people we see on social media – have the perfect relationship with tons of sex,’ says Lucy. ‘But in truth, many couples haven’t had sex in weeks, months, or even since the pandemic started.

‘Studies show that as many as 15% of couples are suffering from a sexless relationship. So have compassion for all that you and your partner have gone through this past 18 months, and recognise that you are doing the right thing to address this now.’

Check your language

Related to the above, make sure that when you’re chatting with your partner about your sex life, you’re not assigning blame.

Lucy advises: ‘Use ‘I’ phrases (“I have loved it when…”) rather than “you” phrases (‘you never/always…’). This can help avoid your partner feeling attacked or blamed.’

Come up with some action points

Sounds formal, we know, but make a concrete plan of how you’re going to bring back the sexual spark.

Lucy suggests: ‘Examples include making a promise to always kiss before one of you leaves the house or gets back home, or take an evening to just focus on gazing at each other, or stroke each other, to take the pressure of feeling like you have to have full-on penetrative sex.’

Take small steps to get more physical

When you’re going through a dry spell, just initiating sex can feel like an impossible hurdle – especially if you’ve always relied on your partner to get things started.

Get rid of the pressure by focusing on smaller acts of physical intimacy.

‘Skin-on-skin contact, whether it’s kissing, hand-holding, a massage, or stroking, has a hugely beneficial effect on strengthening the bond of affection, without ramping up the expectation that it has to be about sex,’ notes Lucy.

‘Baby steps as you both get back into the rhythm of sexual activity is more important than going straight for full-on intimacy.’

Check in with your own confidence levels

‘Focus on your own body confidence, which may have slipped during the lack of sex,’ Lucy tells us.

Make sure you’re feeling comfortable getting naked, and perhaps have some self-love time to get your self-image back to a healthy place.

Focus on fun

If you’re stressing out about having the ‘right’ amount of mindblowing sex, you’re on the wrong track.

Get rid of the pressure to orgasm – or to even have penetrative sex, if that feels a bit much for you right now.

Instead, challenge yourself and your partner to have some fun, get intimate, and see what feels good – no pressure, no rush.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Women in relationships ‘more likely to struggle with depression and self-esteem’

by Danielle Sinay

Today in not especially uplifting news, we’re sorry to report that people tend to get sadder and less confident as their romantic relationships progress.  And while such is the case for all people, it’s especially common for women and those who are married.

A recent report titled “Subjective well-being across partnerships,” published in the June 2021 issue of the Journal of Family Psychology, found that while people of all genders tend to get more depressed as their romantic relationships progress, women continually reported doing much worse than their male counterparts in terms of mental well-being — primarily those in heterosexual partnerships.

The report, conducted by Matthew D. Johnson of the University of Alberta and German colleagues Franz J. Neyer and Christine Finn, analysed levels of life satisfaction, depressive symptoms, and self-esteem in 554 German people in romantic relationships. They sought out to survey a diverse group of all ages, and couples in various stages of romantic relationships: Some were in their teens and casually dating, while others were older, established and married. The oldest participant was 41 years old, however, and just one percent were in same-sex relationships.

Johnson’s results didn’t point to many happily ever afters.

Per the study, simply being a woman “predicted worse initial subjective well-being,” as well as a larger decrease in their general well-being as their romantic relationships progressed. It also found an overall decrease in self-esteem and symptoms of depression running parallel to the relationship’s progression, much more-so than men in relationships had reported.

But, there is hope for feminism after all — the study found that everyone felt worse while coupled up.

Indeed, the first set of findings concluded that all halves of relationships felt worse about their lives and themselves after about a year in a relationship, regardless of whether they were a teen casually dating or married in their thirties. Per the findings, “subjective well-being worsened” for all genders, and people in partnerships consistently reported a a reduction in self-esteem while their depression symptoms increased. What fun.

Not all relationship-induced-depression is created, equal, however, as one other group who suffered more than the rest. The report also found that being “older” (though again, the oldest person surveyed was 41 years old) and married predicts over all worse well-being, as those who had tied the knot reported feeling much less satisfied with their lives than those who were still living together or only dating. Those living in holy matrimony also reported far more self esteem issues than their unmarried peers.

And yes, these symptoms remained consistently worse for married women than married men.

Our prayers are with all wedding planners at this time. And married women.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Keeping a mindful sex journal can completely transform your sex life

By Tanyel Mustafa

Sex/Life is our latest Netflix show craze, and it’s got us thinking more about… ahem… our sex lives. There are plenty of ways to enhance yours – be it through toys or new positions – but how do you know what’s actually working best for you? This is where a sex diary can help. No, seriously – hear us out.

Maybe you’re in a relationship and after the initial buzz of lockdown sex died down (come on, what else did we have to do in quarantine?, your sex life has a got a little less exciting. Or maybe things with your SO are seriously longterm, and you’re looking for a way to spice things up. And even if you’re looking to document your own solo pleasure, there’s benefits here too in keeping a sex diary.

Ultimately, it’s for your own enjoyment and to get better acquainted with how you feel about your sex life. Here’s what you need to know.

Why should you keep a sex journal?

Journaling is often recommended as a way to go inwards, self-reflect or even to let worries and situations go. Depending on how you feel about your sex life, a journal can be a good way to do these things.

It might seem weird at first, given that the main window we have for talking about sex is drunkenly with a trusted friend, but think about how freeing it could be. How often do you share the nitty gritty details of your sex life? Let’s be real, real sex rarely is the way it looks on our screens (including you, Sex/Life). It’s easy to feel like your experiences aren’t “normal”, whatever that actually means.

Kate Moyle, sex and relationship expert at sexual wellness brand LELO tells us: “Journaling is a commonly used tool in therapy for externalising, building self-awareness and helping to reflect on experiences, thoughts and feelings.

“Writing to yourself in this way can also highlight to you where you might be placing certain judgements, assumptions or ideas, which when it comes to sex can have a really big impact on our sex lives and experiences. Writing them down either in the moment or returning to then can really highlight some of both the internal and external factors which might be impacting us sexually.”

A journal is a private way to dissect these thoughts, which might even make talking about them later with your partner or friend easier. Or just keep it for yourself – in a fun way, it’ll be like a little log of your sexual adventures.

Are their benefits for single people, too?

We’ve spent the last year in isolation, and for some single people, the idea of getting back out there sexually will be daunting. Kate says journaling can help you process your thoughts around sex, as well as the act itself.

“Processing, externalising and exploring our thoughts and feelings, particularly when it comes to sex which we might feel is more challenging to discuss with others, can give us a chance to work out where we are at and how we’re doing. We can get so caught up in the moment when it comes to sex, that we may need a bit of space in order to do this properly which sex can offer.

“How you use a sex journal is unique to you – it’s not prescriptive. For others it can also offer a form of self sex education, learning about themselves and what they like and don’t like in a way which doesn’t necessarily involve a partner,” she explains.

So, how do you start?

“Whenever you want to,” Kate says, but warns to not go in “immediately after sex as you also have your partner and their thoughts and feelings to respond to”. Doing this could create anxieties in them about what you’re writing – not ideal.

What should you keep in mind while writing?

The act of journaling is meant to be helpful in essence, rather than being yet another tool to self-criticise.

Kate says: “The aim of this type of journalling is not about judging performance or a way of assessing yourself, it’s a means of reflecting and being able to self-learn and process. Sex is a subjective experience but for too long we have been looking for objective ways to try and measure it to see how we are doing – and this is what journaling shouldn’t be about.

“It might be helpful to notice how you feel writing, and what comes up for you and to learn what’s working for you sexually and what isn’t. This isn’t just in terms of physically what you are doing but emotionally and psychologically where you’re at.

Should you look back over it?

That’s entirely down to you and will differ depending on how you’re using the journal. Some people won’t want to look back, others might even find some enjoyment in doing so.

As long as you’re using the journal in an uncompetitive way and as a “tool for learning”, Kate says it’ll likely help your sexual wellness. “When we feel that we know more, it can contribute to feeling more confident and when it comes to our sex lives this can be really positive,” Kate says.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Understanding Your Own Sexuality Will Give You Confidence With Others

By Cindy Cummings

Intimacy and sexuality can be an anxiety-inducing subject for many young people. One study, analyzed by the UK’s Guardian Newspaper, found that 35% of young people experienced at least one problem in the bedroom, with 8% reporting anxiety and 10% reporting a lack of enjoyment. The problem often stems from a lack of self-awareness. Understanding yourself and your body will help you to be confident in intimacy with lovers, and ensure that you have a healthy and fulfilling grasp of your own sexuality.

Exploring your own body

There’s no shame in wanting to explore your own sexuality and sexual preferences. As the Australian health service highlight, knowing exactly what you enjoy and what makes you happy is an important part of identifying your sense of self and, by extension, self-worth. How can you achieve this? Looking to experiment with your own sexuality, whether that be with realistic sex toys like fleshlights or vibrators, or through reading about similar experiences online, can help you to develop a clear picture of your own preferences and build a foundation for future relationships.

Becoming confident

It’s straightforward to establish what you like – but how can you turn that into self-confidence and awareness of your own body? You might think that those in long-term, committed relationships benefit the most from this sense of self-esteem. However, studies reported by Psychology Today have shown that married men often have a lower sense of sexual self-esteem. Developing this confidence is not so different from developing good mental health habits elsewhere – if you look after yourself and accept your inner qualities and personality, you will develop confidence.

Transferring that confidence to partners

Sexual activity in itself is a boon to mental health, confidence, and shared understanding. Healthline report that it provides benefits to multiple areas of your life, including physical, intellectual, emotional, and psychological wellbeing. However, going into a relationship with someone and carrying their stresses can lead to the opposite impact. Having a well-founded sense of self and being able to communicate that will give a much healthier start to any relationship, and will break with the conventional wisdom of needing to be a strongman in the relationship.

Building confidence in yourself will enable you to react well with others. Sex is about understanding, being relaxed, and not carrying anxieties. Start with yourself before you make the jump into a relationship – you’ll thank yourself, and you’ll build a foundation for a strong future.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Pressure To Be The Perfect Man

By Essex Mag

The pressure to be the perfect man takes its toll sometimes. This pressure comes from both external and internal influences. Work and family issues can cause stress and anxiety to build up and this can reveal itself in both physical and psychological symptoms. Often performance anxiety is also caused by a lack of confidence or self-esteem. Men can feel pressure to perform in the bedroom and unfortunately, this can lead to other issues such as erectile dysfunction (ED) and an added strain on the relationship. There are several ways to boost your self-esteem, however. With a few tips, you can learn to tackle anything life throws at you.

Seek professional advice

If you’re concerned about erectile dysfunction or other issues relating to sexual health, the first thing to do is seek professional advice. Speaking to your doctor will give you peace of mind. They will be able to get to the root of the problem and recommend a suitable solution according to your unique requirements. There are treatments available such as Sildenafil which contain the active ingredient to combat ED. Your doctor might also refer you to a therapist to discuss stress, anxiety, or self-esteem issues. Online therapy is a good option. It’s discreet and flexible and you can book remote sessions. Your therapist will also suggest other activities that will help boost your confidence.

Set yourself goals

In order to motivate yourself, you need to start setting attainable goals. This way you can celebrate every milestone along the way, and gain confidence as you go. The SMART goals model is designed to help you set the right goals according to certain criteria. All objectives, whether professional or personal, should be specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-bound. Write down your goals and prioritize them according to these criteria. Break them down into tasks and plan how you’re going to achieve them.

Get active

Many studies have shown that physical activity can help to combat ED. It’s also a natural confidence-booster. Getting active will increase healthy blood flow, help with weight loss, and give you a newfound surge of energy. These can all help to improve performance in the bedroom. Exercise is also beneficial for mental wellbeing. It’s a great stress-reliever and releases endorphins which trigger a positive feeling in the body. Physical activity, therefore, improves your mood and self-esteem.

Find a new hobby

There are several reasons why hobbies are important. They are the perfect way to distract yourself and take a break from your stressful life. Find a new hobby that interests you, whether it’s active, creative, or intellectual. You could even take a course at work for professional development, or learn a new skill you’ve always been interested in. This way you can forget about your troubles from time to time and focus on something different. This will help you gain a sense of perspective and give you a confidence boost.

Meditation

You could also try using mindfulness meditation to improve your sex life. There are guided meditations and tips online to help you. Meditation can be used to target certain issues, but it’s also good for your general well-being. It allows you to clear your mind of cluttering or negative thoughts. You’ll then be able to find your inner calm and focus on the positives. The best thing about meditation is that you can do it anytime anywhere. You need any tools or equipment and it’s completely free. It all depends on you and taking the time to get centred. It’s also the perfect time of year to try meditating outside, take a walk in an area of natural beauty near you.

Pamper yourself

Everyone needs a little pampering from time to time and it’s a great way to relax and get a confidence boost. You could try recreating the spa at home with a few DIY treatments. Give yourself a facial or invest in some self-massage tools. Add a few essential oils to a warm bath and get some quality me-time. A new look might also help to improve your self-esteem. Here are a few grooming tips to boost confidence. Treat yourself to a professional shave or a new haircut. Buy yourself a present or new outfit, sometimes a little retail therapy can do the trick.

When the pressure to be the perfect man gets overwhelming, remember to practice self-care. Take time for yourself away from the stresses of everyday life. You’ll return relaxed and rejuvenated, with the confidence and energy you need in the bedroom.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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“For lots of us, lockdown has been a time of sexual self-discovery”

by

Much has been written about the global ‘sex recession’, with studies showing that – for reasons both practical and psychological – we’re having much less of it right now. It makes sense: social distancing and a very stressful year will do that to us. But there’s a flipside to this coin.

The recession stories focus on a pretty small part of the sexual spectrum. Yes, it’s true that partnered, in-person sex will have inevitably taken a back seat if you’re single, but the unprecedented boom in sex toys, online communities and sexual wellness brands suggests many of us have been putting all this alone time to good use. The past year has been a period of slowdown that’s prompted us to look inwards and reflect – and naturally, that’s extended to getting to know ourselves and our bodies a little better.

“For women especially, lockdown put the brakes on the idea that we’ve got to look for someone else to have a fulfilling sex life and made us think, ‘Actually, I’m going to do this for myself’,” says Lucy-Anne Holmes, author of Women On Top Of The World and speaker on the WOW UK Festival’s Sex In Lockdown panel. “We’ve long had this script of sex that’s penetrative and heterosexual, but of the hundreds of women I’ve spoken to for my book, most said that was their least favourite part of sex.” 

Her fellow panelist Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah, co-founder of Adventures From The Bedrooms Of African Women, agrees it’s high time we stopped thinking of sex as a two (or more) person job. “Masturbation is a form of sex we still tend to disregard,” she says. “But a lot of times, myself included, we can have the best solo orgasms and really lacklustre experiences with somebody else. You can absolutely have amazing sex on your own – and by necessity, more people are realising that.”

The proof is in our online shopping baskets. In the first two weeks of lockdown alone, sales of adult toys jumped 25% across the UK, while luxury vibrator brand Lelo has seen a 40% rise in orders over the past year and searches for ‘sexual wellness’ on Cult Beauty rose by a huge 850% in March. Globally, health organisations have encouraged self-pleasure as a sensible way to get our kicks in lockdown, and New York City recently told single residents concerned about Covid-19 restrictions that “you are your safest sex partner”.

Of course, the major shift to solo action has largely been out of our hands, but more of us than ever are clearly recognising the importance of sexual self-care and the effect it can have on our overall wellbeing. “Orgasm is the new apple a day,” sexologist Megan Stubbs recently told NPR. “It can help boost your immune system, boost your mood, decrease pain, reduce headaches, help you sleep better, give you better-looking skin, put a smile on your face – there really are no drawbacks.” When you consider this joyful list alongside studies showing that 78% of us feel happier and less stressed after an orgasm, it makes total sense that we’d see a spike in free, feel-good fun during a global pandemic.

And particularly for women, non-binary and queer people – historically the least encouraged by society to express our sexuality freely – being at home, in a safe space where we can explore on our own terms, has prompted some very positive developments.

Taylor Larbert, 28, has certainly seen the benefits. “Being trans, lots of my conversations and experiences connected to sex have been quite difficult or traumatic in the past,” she says. “But in lockdown I’ve come to have a really loving relationship with my body and my sexuality: I’ve had the space to figure out what I like and what I don’t, and I feel infinitely more powerful than I did a year ago.”

Hers is a story playing out across the country, as people use the time to tap into their true desires and try new things. The stay-at-home order has forced many sex-positive communities and events to go completely virtual – and this has actually caused numbers to skyrocket.

“It’s been a massive time for self-discovery,” says Emma Sayle, originator of the ‘zorgy’ (Zoom orgy) and founder of sexual empowerment platform Killing Kittens. “I’ve seen it first hand: there’s been a huge surge in people joining our virtual workshops. Beginners’ guides to kink, BDSM and tantric massages have been sellouts, so we’ve had to run more to keep up with demand.”

“We’ve also been finding that more than 50% of people coming to our events are first-timers; people who never would’ve dared to come to an IRL sex party or erotic workshop before Covid. But because they can engage from their own sofas, free to close their laptops at any time, it has opened up a whole new world for them to explore, join in, ask questions and find like-minded people.”

Poet, playwright and performer Dr Jessi Parrott makes one very important point though: for queer and disabled people especially, a lot of these markers of our new ‘pandemic sex lives’ are not really new at all.

“Having to navigate different avenues for sexual expression – online, for example – is something marginalised groups have long had to do, because the spaces for us to be together physically have often been quite fraught,” they say. “When your bodies and minds don’t fit with a stereotypical ideal of sexuality, expressing yourself sexually is quite a radical thing in itself.”

For Parrott, an extended period at home has brought them closer to themselves, though. “During this past lockdown, I’ve come to understand that I’m non-binary and that has changed my relationship with my body in a way I wouldn’t have thought possible. I’ve often had quite a clinical, detached relationship with my body and put that down to being disabled, but actually that was a lot to do with this form of dysphoria I’d been experiencing – and so these past few months have been revelatory and really lovely. I’ve realised that until you’re properly at home in your own body, you can’t necessarily experience pleasure and full sexual liberation.”

And that’s the crux of it: we deserve to spend time getting to know our innermost truths, wants and needs, to lavish the attention we tend to offer sexual partners on ourselves, too. Granted, many of us just don’t have the desire or mental space to focus on sex right now – and that’s OK – but as Holmes points out, it can be a vital part of taking care of both our body and mind.

“Having your own sense of sexual identity and making space for it is so important,” she says. “Sex is one of the best ways to connect to our body and listen to it. To ask, what do I need right now? Do I need to be caressed, do I need healing, do I need tension release?

“We’re so conditioned to focus on being desirable, but this is the perfect time to ask yourself what you desire. Take this time to think about what you really want – and then dare to go towards it.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to deal with relationship anxiety

Relationship anxiety reportedly affects 1 in 5 people, but is it normal?

By Navit Schechter

Relationships with others are essential to our physical and mental wellbeing. They can be a source of great pleasure and support for some, however for others, they can trigger feelings of anxiety and cause a great deal of distress.

What is relationship anxiety?

Relationship anxiety or relationship-based anxiety, refers to anxiety that arises in intimate relationships. It is not a recognised, diagnosable condition and as such there are no guidelines for how to treat it, however it is a reportedly common problem predicted to affect approximately 1 in 5 people.

There are many reasons why someone might feel anxious about their relationships. They might fear being abandoned or rejected or worry that their feelings are not reciprocated. Some may worry that their partner will be unfaithful or that the relationship will not last. Others may have fears about being sexually intimate with a partner or committing to another person and missing out on other options in life.

Relationship anxiety is a reportedly common problem predicted to affect approximately 1 in 5 people.

Anxiety and dating

Feelings of anxiety are especially common at the beginning of a relationship or when dating. Before the relationship is fully established, uncertainty around how the other person feels or the status of the relationship, can be difficult to tolerate. Many people fear judgement or rejection from others to such an extent that the resulting anxiety effects dating performance e.g. feeling so self-conscious that it is hard to make eye contact or maintain a conversation. This fear can be so great in some people that, despite wanting to be in a relationship, they avoid dating altogether.

Anxiety and sex

Anxiety can affect both the sex life and physical intimacy of a relationship. Anxiety can effect our libido or sex drive for a number of reasons and it can also make having sex difficult, or impossible, on a physical level. This can cause further anxiety and create a negative cycle. The worrying thoughts and tension we experience when feeling anxious can make it hard to relax enough to be able to enjoy sex or be present enough to be physically intimate with another person. Sex-related fears e.g. fears over appearance, performance or being vulnerable with another person can also make having sex and connecting physically very difficult for some people, and lead to it’s complete avoidance for others.

Why we feel anxious in relationships

The tendency to feel anxious about relationships is often a result of the attachment patterns we experienced with our parents or caregivers when we were young. These influence how we understand our needs and go about getting them met. If we experienced anxious-type attachment patterns, we are more likely to experience higher levels of relationship anxiety.

Low self-esteem and a long-standing negative view of yourself can also contribute to feelings of anxiety in a relationship. If you have beliefs that you are not good enough or don’t have as much to offer in a relationship as other people then you will likely think that this is what your partner thinks about you as well.

Low self-esteem and a long-standing negative view of yourself can contribute to feelings of anxiety in a relationship.

Previous romantic relationships will also effect how we view our present ones. When we form relationships, we place a great deal of trust in someone else which can lead us to feel exposed and vulnerable. If a past partner was unfaithful, ended the relationship suddenly or was dishonest then you may grow to expect this from future partners.

The relationship itself can also cause you to feel anxious. It would be natural to experience anxiety if your partner was secretive, critical, controlling or abusive. If your partner is threatening or abusive, details of organisations that can support you can be found at the bottom of the page.

Signs of relationship anxiety

It is normal for most people to experience some level of unease or worry about their relationship at times, however for others this is more intense and enduring. The following are signs that you may be experiencing relationship anxiety:

  1. You frequently worry about what you mean to your partner, what your partner is doing when you are not around and whether your relationship will work out.
  2. You worry that your partners feelings for you have changed if you haven’t heard from them in a while.
  3. You blow situations out of proportion, easily feeling hurt or angry at minor issues.
  4. You don’t trust your partner and are hyper vigilant for signs that they have been unfaithful, dishonest or will leave you.
  5. You experience frequent symptoms of anxiety when thinking about your relationship e.g. tension, sweatiness, difficulty concentrating.
  6. You frequently check up on your partner e.g. checking their emails or text messages to try and find out what they have been up to.
  7. You frequently ask your partner for reassurance about their feelings towards you.
  8. You go out of your way to please your partner, at the expense of your own needs.
  9. You don’t express your feelings or opinions and don’t feel like you are able to be yourself when you’re with your partner.
  10. You make critical comments to your partner or are demanding and controlling.
  11. You are aloof, distant or guarded with your partner, withholding parts of yourself from them.
  12. You are clingy and always want to be around your partner.
  13. You are reluctant to be in a serious relationship or commit to your partner fully as you are scared that it won’t work out and that you will be hurt, disappointed or betrayed.
  14. You test your partner’s feelings for you e.g. by pushing them away to see how much they will fight for you (which is then taken as a sign of their feelings).
  15. You sabotage the relationship e.g. secretly meeting up with an ‘ex’ in an attempt to feel more in control.

How relationship anxiety affects you and your relationship

If relationship anxiety is not remedied, you might find that your anxious thoughts become more and more frequent. This can cause further anxiety, feelings of hopelessness and depression in the long run. Relationship anxiety may impact on your partner and relationship as well. It can result in you keeping your partner at arms length or even ending the relationship altogether. It can also be played out through being confrontational and controlling or passive and needy. Our behaviours impact on how others feel and therefore respond to us. In some cases, relationship anxiety can create a self-fulfilling prophecy whereby the behaviours that you display as a result of your fears, themselves cause the negative outcome that you feared.

If anxiety about your relationship becomes excessive, impacts on your relationship or affects your quality of life then it might be time to do something about it.

Tips for overcoming relationship anxiety

1. Manage the way you think

Recognising the thoughts you have that are causing your anxiety is important. This may be negative thoughts that you have about yourself and your worth or a tendency to “mind read” or make assumptions about what others are thinking. Make sure that the perspective you have is based on the ‘facts’ or reality of the situation rather than interpretations you have made based on habitual thinking patterns and past experiences.

Relationship anxiety is often the result of excessive worrying. We tend to worry in response to situations where the outcome is uncertain. In order to give us a sense of control, the mind focuses on the potential negative outcomes that ‘could’ happen. Mindfulness practices can help us to recognise this tendency of the mind. By noticing our thoughts and feelings with an attitude of curiosity and acceptance, we can watch them come and go whilst giving up any attempts to prepare for, or control, what happens in the future. This allows us to experience life without getting caught up in past stories of pain, or imagined future worries.

A short course of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) can help you to develop a more balanced perspective of yourself, improve your self-esteem and learn how to view your relationship more realistically which, in turn, will help you manage how you feel.

2. Manage the things you do

The things that we do also effects the anxiety that we feel. When you feel anxious, you may feel compelled to seek reassurance or check up on your partner. Whilst this may help you feel better temporarily, in the long-run it will keep you feeling anxious and may even effect your relationship. Managing the negative thoughts that you have that are creating your anxiety, whilst avoiding acting out of anxiety, will lead to longer-lasting and positive change.

Clearly communicating with your partner can also help you to manage relationship anxiety and strengthen your relationship, as it will give you the both the opportunity to express how you feel and what you need from each other. It might be tempting to avoid talking about difficult issues, however these generally don’t tend to disappear, and can cause resentments to build up.

Some people who experience relationship anxiety can get so caught up in their anxious thoughts that other areas of life get forgotten. Make sure that you schedule time, each day, to do the things that you need to do to feel good about yourself. Continuing with your own hobbies and interests, maintaining other relationships and doing the things that are important to you will help you feel good about yourself and better able to manage feelings of anxiety.

3. Manage physical symptoms of anxiety

General anxiety management techniques can also help you to feel more balanced and calm which, in turn, will help you to think more clearly and positively. Taking regular time out to relax and exercise, getting enough sleep, listening to relaxation exercises or guided meditations, practising yoga, keeping a journal and eating regular, balanced meals can all help the body and mind to feel calmer.

Links to further support:

If you are feeling overwhelmed by anxiety and finding it hard to cope with this on your own, a short course of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) can help you to understand the origins of your anxiety and make the changes you need to overcome it, once and for all. Your GP will be able to refer you to a local therapy service or you can find details of private therapists near you here.

If your anxiety is impacting on your relationship, relationship therapy with your partner may help. You can find more information about relationship therapy here.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How Quarantine Helped Me Overcome Stigmas Surrounding Queer Dating

By Meggie Gates

I’ve been out since I was 19, and insecure since the day I was born. I’ve shied away from intimacy my entire life, something psychologists label “avoidant attachment” and my mother calls “frustrating.” I am 26, I do not like to be touched, and incidences of sexual assault have only heightened that feeling, narrowing an already limited number of partners I’ve had in the past. I’m sex positive, I support whatever anyone else does sexually, but I can’t go about the act without some wine notched under my belt, something I consider leveling my anxiety and something my therapist describes as “bad.” I rarely know how to approach casual sex. How the heck do I fit in to In a community where sex is constantly, seemingly, on the table?

I live in Chicago, and in Boystown, there is a sign—an advertisement for a dating app with two shirtless, hunky gay men rubbing bodies in boxer briefs. In Wrigleyville, there is a friend—a person regaling hookups on Grindr every time I see them, years of casual lovers. In the queer community, there is commercialization—the kind we celebrate with plenty of skin showing at Pride festivals come June. Condoms are handed out and dental dams are distributed. It is good, safe, serves to destigmatize, and celebrates what years of hate has told us not to embrace. It is beautiful and poetic and deserved of that celebration, but it is not me.

The perceived stereotype of casual sex in the queer community can make some hesitant to date. The questions of casual sex looms overhead in the queer community and that stereotype can affect many people’s approaches to exploring their sexual identity. The pressure sex puts on the queer community can be isolating for some. Worse, it can feel invalidating. In their article “Mr. Right Now: Temporality of Relationship Formation on Gay Mobile Apps,” professors Tien Yeo and Tsz Fung write about the pressure queer people can feel to compromise sex for love.

“For those seeking more durable relationships, tensions arising from the specific temporality of app use that privileges casual sex but which also maximizes the pool of potential partners versus the temporal norms prescribing friendship and long-term romantic relationships become a major source of frustration,” write Yeo and Fung. “Ultimately, these tensions resulted in users conform to routine patterns of interactions, developing alternative modes of interactions on apps that decelerate relationship development, or (temporarily) deleting the apps.”

For people who buy into hypersexualized LGBTQ+ media representation, the anxiety and doubt surrounding conversations on sexuality can feel like another reason not to pursue meaningful connections. In a society focused on hook-up culture, it’s hard trusting someone will have the patience to get to know me. The conversation of how good you are at sex circles the internet; the question of how queer you are hinging on past relationships focused on binary. Sitting across from women on a first date, anxiety constantly creeps up, making me wonder how the night will end.

Quarantine has changed the game for dating across the board. People must decide whether someone is worth putting their life (and the lives of others) at risk. Zoom dates can be awkward, uncomfortable, and the lack of intimacy can be hard. Building a relationship over FaceTime is seemingly impossible. But, strangely, this is the first time I’ve felt truly comfortable approaching dating in years. Why? Because without the expectation of kissing or sex following a date, I’m confident having conversations I’d usually never have regarding my sexuality and gender. It finally feels like dating in a way that’s truer to myself.

Without the expectation of kissing or sex following a date, I’m confident having conversations I’d usually never have regarding my sexuality and gender. It finally feels like dating in a way that’s truer to myself.

I met Ana through Hinge two months ago, another app in a sea of apps geared toward dating. From our first date, I let her know of the anxieties I foster when it comes to queer dating. I ask if my slowness warming up to intimacy makes a difference to her, if my lack of history with people of the same sex erases me in her mind as legitimately queer. She responds surprised, shocked I’d even ask. “Your past doesn’t matter and if someone makes you feel bad for that, you’re better off without them,” she says. “The queer community isn’t a contest.”

It’s no secret gay love has, and still is, stigmatized in many parts of the world. Religion, race, gender, and class all play a part in the need for people to hide their sexuality for different reasons. Being ostracized, ridiculed, or neglected creates a desire for many queer people to feel loved and attractive, resulting in fast connections of momentary fulfillment. Casual sex has many benefits for those who enjoy it. You can share a strong connection with someone for a passing period and go your own way, no strings attached at the end of the night. For me, the anxiety of waking up to someone I barely know overshadows all pleasure. I feel I’m missing out on my 20s as I watch friends stumble out of bars with others. This is what TV said adulthood would be like, but it’s never been that way for me. I miss all the nuance of feeling fun and alive in a city because I’m too focused on my shoes whenever someone asks for my number.

I walk through an obsolete Boystown recounting memories of all the love Saturday nights once held. The avenue is painted with the past of people who carried themselves over the rainbow boulevard looking for a home in someone else, a late-night rendezvous heading out of Berlin hand-in-hand. I’d be lying if I said I don’t miss Red Bull vodka shots at midnight and making out with strangers whose names I don’t remember; how a photo strip of a girl in passing isn’t poetry that spans the lengths of years.

Relationships take a toll and farther into heartbreak we get, the easier it is to run at the sight of something new. Flings that are fleeting outweigh tangling yourself in something messy and complicated. Dating hardly takes off for me because I’m too stressed about the motions, if I’ll be critiqued for the physical instead of the emotional. Now, there’s nothing but time to explore one another as the world around us stops shifting. After two months talking, Ana and I finally met. My family encourages me because they “like her” and think she’s “a good match for me.” We’re slow and have found a rhythm that suits us, one grown from patience and time.

For once, I’m trying to walk rather than run.

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It took us long enough, but we’re finally paying attention to women’s pleasure

By Erin Magner

While the history of women and pleasure is fraught with stigma, it appears we’re in the midst of a pleasure revolution. Now, female-identifying founders are creating pornography, sex toys, sex-education platforms, and erotica, all of which normalizes and celebrates a woman’s right to get off. Not only are consumers turned on by this building movement—the global sex toy market alone is expected to be worth $35 billion by 2023, up from $23.7 billion in 2017—but investors, too, are shuttling millions of dollars into sexual wellness start-ups such as Dipsea, a sexy short-story app, and Unbound, an e-tailer selling sex toys and other bedroom accessories. In short, there’s never been a better time than now for having a vulva and loving to orgasm.

So how did we get to this place of openness when, just two decades ago, Samantha Jones’ unapologetic pursuit of big Os on Sex and the City was considered radical? While there have been many twists and turns throughout the history of women and pleasure, it can be argued that the modern movement’s roots first planted in the 1950s. Back then, attitudes toward sexuality were still, in many ways, informed by the repressive Victorian era—when society demanded a “don’t ask, don’t tell” attitude toward female desire. Yet in 1953, sexologist and biologist Alfred C. Kinsey, PhD, published his landmark (and controversial) book titled Sexual Behavior in the Human Female, which shed light on women’s then-rarely discussed habits regarding masturbation, orgasms, and sex before marriage. (Spoiler alert: Among the 6,000 women interviewed for the book, all of those activities were highly popular.) From there, the world slowly but surely opened its eyes to women as sexual beings.

The early history of women and pleasure

Four years following the release of Dr. Kinsey’s book, William Masters and Virginia Johnson began their pioneering work on the physical mechanisms behind sexual arousal at Washington University in St. Louis. Their most groundbreaking findings are still frequently cited today, like the four stages of sexual arousal—excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution—and the idea that women are able to have multiple orgasms. “Even the very suggestion that sexual pleasure might be important for women and not just men was massively radical during those times,” says Zhana Vrangalova, PhD, professor of human sexuality at New York University and resident sexpert for sex-toy brand Lelo.

As the history of women and pleasure progressed, a succession of cultural milestones continued to help champion the idea of non-procreative sex among women. First, the birth control pill hit the market in 1960, which officially allowed women to have sex without the prospect of pregnancy. Helen Gurley Brown’s book Sex and the Single Girl (1962) gave advice for sex and dating as an unmarried woman, and a group of Boston women later self-published the seminal Our Bodies, Ourselves (1970), which provided evidence-based information to teach women about their sexual anatomy. Then as the hippie counterculture spread a message of free love, leaders of the second-wave feminist movement encouraged women to take an active role in their own sexual experience. You know, like men had been doing for centuries beforehand.

Despite all of this progress, however, Dr. Vrangalova points out that the framework for female pleasure in the 1960s and early ’70s was still largely based on a male perspective. “Given that the ’60s were a time when women were still very much second-class citizens, the way sexual pleasure was conceptualized was the way men, rather than women, thought about pleasure,” she says. “There’s no doubt women participated, but it seems like they adopted the male-driven vision of sexual pleasure, rather than focusing specifically on female pleasure. This was an inevitable product of the times—even scientists across diverse fields believed that whatever findings were true of men were also true of women, more or less.” For instance, at this point in the history of women and pleasure, there was still a pervasive view that women, like men, should be able to reach orgasm through vaginal intercourse alone.

“The ’60s were a time when women were still very much second-class citizens, and the way sexual pleasure was conceptualized was the way men, rather than women, thought about pleasure.”
—sexologist Zhana Vrangalova, PhD

Thankfully, in 1976, sex educator Shere Hite’s book The Hite Report: A Nationwide Study of Female Sexuality re-emphasized the importance of clitoral stimulation in reaching orgasm—an idea put forth by Dr. Kinsey two decades previously. (It wasn’t until 2005, however, that researchers led by Australian urologist Helen O’Connell, MD, would actually create a full map of the clitoris’ internal and external structures.) Then, in 1982, a book titled The G Spot and Other Recent Discoveries About Human Sexuality, brought this then-little-known erogenous zone—and the concept of female ejaculation—into the public consciousness.

But soon after, new discoveries around women’s pleasure began to cool off, a phenomenon that Dr. Vrangalova attributes to the early days of the HIV/AIDS crisis. “Unfortunately, that swung the pendulum on sexual pleasure—male and female—back toward the more conservative end of the spectrum, and America entered the Dark Ages of abstinence-only sexual education,” she says. “This had the incredibly harmful effects of sexually crippling an entire generation of Americans with lack of information, increasing fear of sex and STIs, and increasing stigma around pleasure, especially if it was outside of long-term committed relationships.”

Women are sexual beings, but there’s a pleasure gap to close and stigma to stop

Fast-forward a decade, however, and pleasure once again started to creep back into the zeitgeist. But even in 1999, when Sex and the City was must-watch viewing, 40 percent of women still claimed to experience sexual disfunction, characterized by a lack of sexual desire and difficulty attaining arousal.

According to public-health researcher Katherine Rowland‘s new book, The Pleasure Gap, this feeling of sexual dissatisfaction still endures, despite all the strides that have been made during the past 60-plus years. “Among the women who I spoke to, the persistent low desire was heavily associated with the idea that sex should revolve around penetration as the main course, with maybe a polite prelude of a foreplay, rather than thinking about sex as a broader universe of intimacy,” Rowland previously told NPR. “It’s the combination of a larger culture that privileges male sexuality over women’s, a culture that doesn’t teach women that pleasure belongs to them. A lack of anatomical self-knowledge. And feelings of sort of persistent danger and women being often censored and censured for expressing their desire.”

Yet on all of these fronts, the tides have been slowly turning in recent years, thanks in large part to the rise of the digital age. “The internet and smartphones enabled unprecedented access to vast amounts of sexual pleasure information and to all sorts of alternative and more liberal sexual values and lifestyles,” says Dr. Vrangalova, who notes that online porn and erotica helped to normalize the concept of “a women’s right to pleasure.”

Furthermore, the #MeToo movement of 2017 set the stage for the current pleasure revolution. “There are a lot of women who relived their traumas during #MeToo…it wasn’t a linear path,” says Alexandra Fine, sexologist and CEO of next-gen vibrator company Dame. “But it does ultimately feel like it empowered women to reclaim their sexual pleasure as their own and to speak more openly about it.”

It’s that open dialogue around sex that’s leading women to get curious about their own pleasure patterns right now—and that’s clearing a path for companies to create products and services that help them get to know their own bodies. “[At Dame,] we’re hearing so many stories of women being really honest about what their sexual experiences are in an unfiltered way that wasn’t available before,” Fine adds.

What to expect from the next chapter in the history of women and pleasure

As knowledge gaps continue to emerge around women’s sexual pleasure, organizations like Allbodies—a digital sex-ed platform—are stepping up to fill them. Allbodies co-founder and doula Ash Spivak says there are still many vulva-owners who feel alienated by conventional pleasure wisdom, either because they’ve previously experienced trauma or by virtue of the fact that everyone’s body works differently. “We have so much emphasis on orgasms in general as being the pinnacle, but pleasure is a spectrum,” she says. “There’s so much room in there to really play around and that’s really never been taught.”

“We have so much emphasis on orgasms in general as being the pinnacle, but pleasure is a spectrum. There’s so much room in there to really play around and that’s really never been taught.”
—Ash Spivak, Allbodies co-founder

There are also plenty of institutions that aren’t yet ready for an open dialogue around female arousal at this point in the history of women and pleasure. For instance, Facebook still doesn’t allow advertising for sex toys—although it does allow ads for sexual-health companies, like those promoting erectile-disfunction treatments for men. And Fine says targeting this is the next frontier of the pleasure revolution.

“This conversation around advertising policy is a really interesting place where it’s showing up,” she says, noting that Dame sued the New York City MTA in 2019 for refusing to run its vibrator ads in the subway. Changing this reality is part of her bigger mission for Dame. “If we can’t have public discourse around sexuality because we think it’s inherently inappropriate, then we’re pushing sex to the shadows. And the things that happen in the shadows when it comes to sex harm women.”

Fortunately, research is continuing to unveil nuances of the female sexual experience, which can only help to erase shame and popularize the idea that there’s no one-size-fits-all path to pleasure. One 2019 study, for instance, debunked the idea that all orgasms are positive experiences—some women do, indeed, view them as negative at times, particularly when they feel coerced into having sex or pressured into climaxing.

Brands are even contributing to our collective knowledge. Dame, for instance, asks members of its Dame Labs community to test its prototypes pre-launch and then uses feedback to fine-tune each product. For instance, Dame engineers were surprised to learn when developing the company’s first internal vibrator, the Arc, that testers considered the toy’s external sensations to be even more important than its internal stimulation properties—even though testers said they would purchase the toy to use internally. The engineers edited the design accordingly, and as a result, pleasure won.

And while pleasure is a right entitled to all people, vulva-owners certainly included, Fine, for one, believes there are even bigger health gains to to glean from knowing as much as possible about the female sexual experience. “I really believe that sex is part of our wellness—it’s literally what creates our life,” she says. ‘Why would we think it’s not constantly impacting [us]?”

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5 ways to be more sexually confident

Many of us will go through periods of feeling insecure in bed. A sexologist shares her tips for boosting your sexual prowess.

by Anya Meyerowitz

Having sex for the first time is nerve wracking but it isn’t the only time when the thought of sex can feel daunting. Many of us will go through periods of abstinence later in our lives and the thought of engaging in sexual activity again can spark feelings of insecurity.

There are a variety of reasons why someone might have experienced an extended amount of time without having sex (divorce, a breakup, the loss of a loved one, or difficulty meeting the right person) and often by the time we get round to having sex again it feels as if we are back to square one with our sexual confidence.

Here, we speak to Dr Valeria Chuba, PhD, MS, ACS, a board certified clinical sexologist and a certified intimacy coach. She helps her clients overcome sexual shame and anxiety, achieve sexual confidence, and create pleasure-filled intimate relationships. She is the creator and host of the Get Sex-Smart podcast, which offers expert information and guidance to listeners around the world.

“Finding that special spark with a new partner can often take a long time,” Dr Chuba explains. “Regardless of the reasons why we may find ourselves without a lover, when the time comes to get back into the groove, most of us experience feelings of fear, anxiety and low self-confidence.”

So to help anyone who is feeling less than empowered about the idea of a new sexual encounter, we asked Dr Chuba to give us some practical advice on how to feel less nervous and more confident when starting a new sexual relationship.

Learn from the past

Each new relationship offers a promising beginning, which means an opportunity to do things differently and better than before. “Now is the perfect time to look back at your past sexual experiences,” Dr Chuba advises.

“What were some of the things that worked well (or didn’t work) in your intimate relationships? What partners were the most memorable, and why? What would you like to do differently this time around? For example, would you speak up more about your need for sensual foreplay, or share more of your sexual imagination with your partner? Getting clarity around your needs and boundaries will help you start a new sexual relationship in a more proactive way, which in turn will help you feel more safe and grounded.”

What partners were the most memorable, and why?

Know what gives you pleasure

“As a sexologist, I often tell my clients that masturbation is the foundation for partner sex,” says Dr Chuba.

“The more you know about what turns you on and helps you experience pleasure and orgasm, the better you’ll be able to share these things with your partner, leading to a more positive intimate experience.”

The more you know about what turns you on and helps you experience pleasure and orgasm, the better.

Reacquainting yourself with your body in this way will help you to first accept and then to gain confidence when it comes to being with someone else. It’s easy to forget the positive things about our body when we are feeling insecure and focusing on the parts we don’t like as much.

“If you are new to self pleasure or just want to broaden your sexual repertoire, sex-positive books like Come As You Are or fun and instructional sex ed DVDs will both inform you and spark your sensuality. It’s important to note that you should always consider seeking professional help for specific sexual concerns, like trouble experiencing orgasm with a partner, early ejaculation, erectile difficulties, or performance anxiety. Working with a sex-positive, compassionate professional can be a huge boost to your sexual confidence.”

Communication is key

“I often tell my clients that they should begin a new relationship as they mean to go on; and good communication is a big part of any successful sexual relationship,” says Dr Chuba.

“There are few things more attractive in a lover than the confidence to speak up about his or her needs and desires, and the ability to listen to his or her partner. Speaking up improves your chances of getting what you want from your sexual relationship; and being accepting of your partner will make him or her feel special and appreciated. Either way, you will come across as a generous and thoughtful lover, which is sure to boost your self-confidence.”

Speaking up improves your chances of getting what you want from your sexual relationship.

Focus on pleasure and not performance

Whenever we begin a new relationship, especially after a long time without partner sex, we tend to feel anxious about things like our attractiveness; our size, shape and weight; and how well we will ‘perform’ during sex.

“This mindset keeps us caught up in our heads and disconnected both from our bodies and pleasure, and from our lovers and the process of lovemaking. Whenever you feel yourself getting caught up in performance pressure, focus instead on your body sensations. Breathe deeply and if need be, slow down. Pay attention to how things feel as opposed to how perfect you appear to be. As a bonus, a lover who is focused on pleasure and sensuality comes off as a lot more empowered and confident than someone who is insecure about their ‘performance’.”

Have a sense of humour

Sex can be complicated and intimidating at the best of times, let alone when we’ve been celibate for an extended period. Because of this, we tend to forget that at its core, sex is about connection, pleasure and fun. And since partner sex happens between bodies, it can also be a messy, embarrassing and unintentionally hilarious experience. Using this as a point of connection with your lover, rather than something to be ashamed of, can help you lighten things up. Chances are your partner is also feeling nervous, so bonding lightheartedly over your shared anxiety and the absurdity of it all can be both relaxing and very, very sexy.

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How to Reconnect With Your Partner After Having Kids

Don’t wait for the most convenient time to rebuild intimacy. You’ll be waiting a long time.

By Christina Caron

First things first: This is not another article that simply tells you to “go on a date night.”

Nothing against date nights. The best ones can remind you why you fell in love with your spouse or partner in the first place.

Or they can involve staring at each other in a sleep-deprived haze over an expensive meal while intermittently glancing at your phone for updates from the babysitter.

If date nights aren’t working for you, or if you’ve been struggling to maintain intimacy for months — or even years — after having children, here are some different ways to stay close to your spouse or partner, despite the stresses and frustrations of parenthood.

Try not to become complacent.

Just as there was never a perfect time to have children, there will rarely be a perfect time to rekindle a connection with your partner.

It’s easy to push your romantic relationship to the side: “Let’s get through sleep training first.” Or: “As soon as I get back into shape.” Or: “Maybe when I’m less tired.”

Then winter arrives. “Everyone’s sick again? Let’s wait until we get better.”

But if you keep waiting, experts say, regaining intimacy can become increasingly difficult.

“It seems to have been the norm for so many couples to say to themselves, ‘Now that the kids are here, we’ll focus on the kids. Our day will come,’” said Michele Weiner-Davis, a marriage and family therapist whose TEDx talk about sex-starved marriages has been viewed more than 5 million times. “But here’s the bad news from someone who’s been on the front lines with couples for decades. Unless you treat your relationship, your marriage, like it’s a living thing — which requires nurturing on a regular basis — you won’t have a marriage after the kids leave home.”

Couples may start to lead parallel but separate lives — and discover they have nothing in common.

“They’re looking at a stranger, and they ask themselves, ‘Is this the way I want to spend the last few years of my life?’” Ms. Weiner-Davis said. “And for too many couples the answer is no.”

But all of that is preventable, she added.

“It’s absolutely essential not to be complacent about what I call a ho-hum sex life. Touching is a very primal way of connecting and bonding,” Ms. Weiner-Davis said. “If those needs to connect physically are ignored over a period of time, or are downgraded so that it’s not satisfying, I can assure people there will be problems in the relationship moving forward.”

Slow down and start over.

If you had a vaginal birth, you and your partner may expect to begin having sex as early as six weeks after the baby is born, if you have been physically cleared to do so.

For some couples, that signals “the clock is now ticking,” said Emily Nagoski, author of “Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life.”

But a lot of women simply won’t be ready that early. And that’s O.K.

“After the postpartum checkup, I didn’t feel like myself, I didn’t feel physically ready to have sex,” said Emily Stroia, 33, who lives in Los Angeles. “In terms of libido, I didn’t really have one.”

Ms. Stroia, the mother of a 10-month-old, eventually starting having sex with her partner once a month — but before she became pregnant, they had sex nearly every week, she said.

“I still kind of forget that I’m in a relationship,” said Ms. Stroia, who is struggling with sleep deprivation. “I have to remind myself that I have a partner.”

After any potential medical problems are ruled out, Dr. Nagoski advises couples to “start over” with one another by establishing a sexual connection in much in the same way they might have done when they were first getting to know each other: making out, holding each other and gradually moving in the direction of bare skin.

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On How To Create Your Sexual Potential

7 Lessons From A Sex Therapist

By Nan Wise, Ph.D, MSW, M.A., LCSW, CST

According to Canadian sexologist Peggy Kleinplatz, Ph.D., the vast majority of problems that bring people into sex therapy stem from what she calls the “North American sex script” that centers on having heterosexual intercourse with orgasms in all the right places, meaning, women should be experiencing orgasms reliably through sexual intercourse, which is actually not the case.

Even with additional clitoral stimulation, less than half of women (43%) report experiencing orgasm through intercourse 75% of the time. In other words, our cultural view of sexuality is narrow, limiting, and performance-oriented, favoring what does not appear to come naturally.

Inspired by Kleinplatz, I have gleaned seven lessons from my own research and work with clients. These lessons, or take-aways, offer an invitation to understand and explore yourself and your lover in a whole new dimension of sexual pleasure:

1. Do not judge your erotic self or the erotic experience.

Practice radical self-acceptance. Learn to love your body, exactly as it is. This is one of the biggest lessons, mentioned by nearly all of my participants. They also become curious about their own sexuality and went about exploring what turned them on. Learn to embrace your unique erotic fingerprint—whatever it is.

Let yourself be exactly as you are in the moment. And let the moment be exactly as it is. Sex is our willingness to be sexual beings, however that shows up. Remember first and foremost that good sex is about being present.

2. Tune in.

Shift your focus inward to listen closely to what you want and what your body yearns for. What are your fantasies? How do you like to be touched? Why not explore all areas of your body that can give you pleasure? Become keenly aware of what pleases you across the senses beyond touch—don’t forget about sounds and tastes. Are you interested in perhaps being more active when you tend to be receptive? More receptive when you’re usually more active? Making subtle shifts in your habitual roles may reveal new ways that you can be turned on.

Paying attention to sensations is key for pleasurable sex. If your mind wanders and starts to get into “spectatoring” mode—becoming goal-directed or self-conscious—simply notice that without judgment, letting those thoughts be exactly as they are while you bring your attention back to the senses. 

3. Be patient—about getting turned on.

When you want to have intercourse, for example, don’t begin until you and/or your partner are sufficiently aroused. Allow the sex to unfold without rushing into it. Although this advice may seem simplistic, it’s hugely important to experiencing the pleasure of sex. Slow down and savor the sensations. Let them build. Enjoy the journey without concern about the destination.

4. Stay connected to your partner.

You have a number of tools to use with your partner—to manage defenses, be an attentive and active listener, and be open to differences in erotic fingerprints or desire. Respect these differences and you will feel more connected. Often the best way to connect is actually going beyond words.

Look into your partner’s eyes and breathe with your partner while sitting silently. See the person in front of you, the being you fell in love with. Spoon your partner and hold them and synchronize your breath to synchronize your nervous systems. This actually works. We are like tuning forks and go into “cardiac” entrainment with lovers (and even our pets) when we settle into the connection. Good sex is connected sex.

5. Take risks.

We often feel hesitant to speak up with partners about parts of ourselves that we think they will judge or worry that if we tell them how we truly feel, we will hurt them. We tend to play it safe when in doubt. But another way to look at this is that there is a risk to not taking risks. If we don’t explore some of the scarier places with our partners, if we don’t explore the corners of our erotic selves, we tend to shut down and stagnate. And stagnation, itself, is dangerous to relationships.

Sexual potential unfolds when we bring all of ourselves into the mix. We are always, always shifting and changing and growing. Taking the risk to reveal how these changes affect us, our thoughts, our fears, our feelings, even our fantasies tends to revitalize the partnership.

6. Prioritize pleasure.

Allow sex to play a larger role in your life. Your work with your seven core emotions has paved the way for more keen awareness and insight into how and why pleasure is so important to your life, so allow sex to play a larger role. Make time for sex, expand your notion of what sex is, nurture it, and explore it. It’s a journey without an end.

7. Tolerate emotions and embrace the transformative nature of sex.

Because of the blend of emotional and physical drivers of sex, any type of sexual experience or activity has the capacity to stir up all kinds of emotions. One of the most important lessons for good sex and also good relationships, in general, is to learn how to more fully tolerate our feelings, other people’s feelings, and our feelings about other people’s feelings. And sometimes the most challenging feelings to tolerate, believe it or not, are intense feelings of pleasure—which for some can feel scarily out of control.

When we can learn to simply allow the feelings to be as they are, stay present to ourselves and to each other, the experiences we can have with and through sex can be truly healing and can revitalize our mind, body, and spirit. It is a tangible form of connection to others, a source of immune-boosting energy, and a vast reservoir for pleasure.

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