6 Questions to Ask Your Doctor About Sex after 50

— Vaginal dryness, erection challenges, safe sex and more

By Ellen Uzelac

With most physicians ill prepared to talk about sexual health and many patients too embarrassed or ashamed to broach the subject, sex has become this thing we don’t discuss in the examining room.

“So many doctors talk about the benefits of nutrition, sleep, exercise — but they don’t talk about this one really essential thing we all share: our sexuality,” says Evelin Dacker, a family physician in Salem, Oregon, who is dedicated to normalizing sexual health in routine care. “We need to start having this conversation.”

Starting the conversation about sexual health

Sexual wellness experts suggest first talking about a physical problem such as a dry vagina or erectile challenges and then segueing into concerns about desire, low libido and intimacy.

As Joshua Gonzalez, a urologist and sexual medicine physician in Los Angeles, observes: “Patients sometimes need to be their own advocates. If you feel something in your sex life is not happening the way you would like it to, or if you are not able to perform sexually as you would like, never assume that this is somehow normal or inevitable.”

Often, there are physiological issues at play or medications that can alter your sexual experience. “If you’re interested in having sex,” Gonzalez says, “there are often real solutions for whatever the problem may be.”

Here are six questions to help steer the conversation in the right direction.

1. What can I do about unreliable erections?

Erectile dysfunction is common in older men — 50 percent of men in their 50s will experience erectile challenges, Gonzalez says, and 60 percent of men in their 60s, 70 percent of men in their 70s, and on up the ladder.

The good news: There are fixes. “This doesn’t mean giving up on having pleasurable sex at a certain age,” Gonzalez says. The two primary things he evaluates are hormone balance and blood flow to the penis. A treatment plan is then designed based on those results.

Some older men also find it often takes time and effort to ejaculate. Gonzalez suggests decoupling the idea of ejaculation and orgasm. What many men don’t realize: You can have an orgasm with a soft penis and without releasing any fluid at all. “Your orgasm — the pleasure component — is not going to change.”

Also good to know: Sexual health is a marker of overall health. As an example, erectile dysfunction can be a predictor of undiagnosed health issues such as heart disease and diabetes years before any other symptoms arise, says Gonzalez.

2. Sex is different now. My body is no longer young but I still have sexual urges. How do I accommodate this new normal?

Dacker often asks her older patients: How is the quality of your intimacy? Is it what you want it to be? Have you noticed a shift as you’ve gotten older and what does that mean to you?

“Naturally, as we age our bodies start working differently,” she says. “I like to reframe what it means to be sexual by expanding our intimate life, doing things that maybe you haven’t thought of doing before.”

Dacker, who teaches courses on how to be a sex-positive health care provider, suggests exploring each other in new ways: dancing, eye gazing, washing one another while bathing, giving hands-free coconut oil massages using your stomach, arms and chest. She’s also a fan of self-pleasure.

“There’s so much pleasure that doesn’t involve penetration, orgasm and erections,” she adds. “It’s not about performance, it’s about pleasure.”

3. My vagina hurts when I have penetrative sex to the point that I’m now avoiding it. What can I do?

A lack of estrogen in older women can cause the vaginal wall to get really thin, resulting in dryness, irritation and bleeding when there is friction.

“It can be uncomfortable with or without sex,” says Katharine O’Connell White, associate professor of OB/GYN at Boston University and vice chair of academics and the associate director of the Complex Family Planning Fellowship at Boston Medical Center. “What people don’t realize is that what they’re feeling is so incredibly common. A majority of postmenopausal women will experience this.”

White offers a three-part solution for vaginal dryness: If you’re sexually active — and even if you’ve never used a lubricant before — add a water-based lube during sex play. Also, consider using an estrogen-free vaginal moisturizer, sold in stores and online, to help restore the vaginal lining. Finally, think about adding back the estrogen that the body is craving through medically prescribed tablets, rings or creams that are inserted into the vagina.

White also advises patients to engage in 20 to 30 minutes of foreplay before penis-in-vagina sex. “The whole body changes and the vagina gets wet, wider and longer, which can go a long way to alleviating any discomfort,” she says.

4. Urinary incontinence is interfering with my sex life. How can I control it?

Because the bladder is seated on top of the vagina, the thinning of the vaginal wall can also impact the bladder. When you urinate, it can burn or you will want to pee more often, symptoms typical of a urinary tract infection, according to White.

Some women feel like they need to urinate during sex, which, as White says, “can pull you out of the mood.” Her advice? “Pee before sex and pee after sex.” She also suggests using vaginal estrogen to plump up the walls of the vagina and, by extension, the bladder.

5. I’m interested in dating again. What screenings for sexual wellness should I get — and require of a new partner?

Fully understanding the importance of reducing your risk for sexually transmitted infections (STIs) should be front and center as you reenter the dating scene, according to nurse practitioner Jeffrey Kwong, a professor at the School of Nursing at Rutgers University and clinical ambassador for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s “Let’s Stop HIV Together” campaign. 

“Individuals should be screened if they’re engaging in any sort of sexual activity — oral, vaginal, anal — because many times, some of these conditions can be asymptomatic,” he says. “You can transmit without symptoms and vice versa.”

Screening may involve a urine or blood test or swabs of the vagina, throat or rectum. With STIs soaring in older adults, Kwong suggests testing for HIV, hepatitis C, hepatitis B, chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis. In early 2024, the CDC reported that syphilis cases had reached their highest level since the 1950s.

6. My doctor was dismissive when I brought up sex, basically saying, At your age, what do you expect? What should I do now?

Sex is a special part of life no matter how old you are. “If you’re with a doctor who brushes aside any of your concerns, it’s time to find a new doctor,” White says.

Finding a good doctor, she adds, is no different from looking for an accomplished hair stylist or a reliable mechanic: Ask your friends.

“I’m horrified when I hear about things like this,” she adds. “Any good doctor really wants you to bring up the things that concern you.“

Complete Article HERE!

She Wrote a Best Seller on Women’s Sex Lives.

— Then Her Own Fell Apart.

The sex educator Emily Nagoski’s new book on maintaining intimacy in long-term relationships began at home.

By Catherine Pearson

A decade ago, as the sex educator Emily Nagoski was researching and writing her first book, “Come as You Are” — a soon-to-be best seller exploring the science of women’s sexuality — she and her husband stopped having sex.

Nagoski began appearing everywhere, reassuring women that their sexuality was not a problem that needed to be solved or treated. She talked to the author Glennon Doyle and her wife, the soccer player Abby Wambach, about body image and shame on their podcast. She published a workbook to help women better understand their sexual temperament and sexual cues. Her TED Talks have been viewed millions of times.

But at home, she and her husband, Rich Stevens — a cartoonist whom she met on the dating site OkCupid in 2011 — were cycling in and out of monthslong sexual dry spells stemming from work stress and health problems. When I spoke to Nagoski at her cozy house in Easthampton, Mass., in the fall, and then again over the phone in January, she declined to offer specifics on just how long their droughts lasted. (She did not want people to compare themselves.) But she did not hold back about how they made her feel.

“Stressed. Depressed. Anxious. Lonely. Self-critical,” Nagoski, 46, said. “Like, how can I be an ‘expert’ — and I say that with heavy, heavy air quotes — and still be struggling in this way?”

After all, Nagoski had written the book on women and desire. She popularized the metaphor of the sexual response system as a car with an accelerator (that notices erotic stimuli) and brakes (that notice all of the reasons not to have sex. Like chores. Or a new baby. Or, just, patriarchy). When women struggle with arousal and pleasure, she explained in “Come as You Are,” it isn’t because the accelerator isn’t being stimulated; it’s usually because the brakes are being pushed too hard. Her talent was not for producing original research — this dual control model of sexual response, for instance, is not her idea — but she had a knack for sifting through the science to uncover what she believed to be most relevant to women’s day-to-day lives, and finding simple ways to describe it.

“She often reminds people that they are whole, they are not broken,” said Debby Herbenick, the director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at the Indiana University School of Public Health, who went to graduate school with Nagoski.

However, Nagoski’s own fractured sex life left her full of self-doubt.

“I did my best to do what I tell other people to do, which is to turn toward what was happening with kindness and compassion,” she said, recognizing how cloying that advice can sound. “I tried to give myself permission to allow these things to be true. To recognize they would not always be true. And that I would move through this spell with more ease if I did not beat myself up.”

Like a true self-proclaimed “sex nerd,” Nagoski also dug into the science of what great sex looks like in a long-term relationship and how to cope when problems arise, which became the backbone of her new book, “Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections,” out later this month. At nearly 300 pages, with two appendices and 22 pages of notes and scientific references, it’s the product of an academic who loves data. But Nagoski, who earned a doctorate in health behavior and a master’s degree in counseling from Indiana University, is happy to give up what she thinks are the three secrets of partners with happy sex lives in the book’s introduction: 1. They are friends. 2. They prioritize sex. 3. They ignore outside opinions about what sex should look like and do what works for them.

“When I got done,” she said, “I had this whole book’s worth of advice we used to fight our way back to each other.”

Emily Nagoski sits on a yellow sofa in flower pajamas. Her husband and dog sit on a blue rug next to her.
The sex educator Emily Nagoski and her husband, Rich Stevens, established new rules to help their sex life flourish. One of them: Keep the dogs out of the bedroom during intimate moments.

‘Pleasure is the measure’

Nagoski believes that most people are hung up on the wrong metrics when it comes to sex. It isn’t about novelty or orgasms, nor is it about frequency. “People always want to know: How often does a typical couple have sex?” she said, sitting on her living room couch next to Stevens, 47, while one of their two rescue dogs, Thunder, napped between them. “Which is not a question that I answer, because it’s impossible to hear a number and not compare yourself to it.” (Also, she added, people seldom talk about the quality of said sex.)

Most of us are too fixated on libido — or on wanting to want to have sex — she said, which has caused a lot of unnecessary stress and insecurity. “Desire is the No. 1 reason people of all gender combinations seek sex therapy,” she said. “Even I need to be reminded that it’s not about desire. It’s about pleasure.”

It’s a somewhat surprising take from someone who has spent a lot of the past decade helping women better understand how desire actually works, banging the drum about the difference between spontaneous desire (the feeling of wanting sex out of the blue) and responsive desire (which arises in response to erotic stimuli). In other words, there’s nothing unsexy about planning or scheduling sex.

Nagoski has been a sex educator since the mid-90s. She worked for eight years as the director of wellness education at Smith College, before making the switch to writing and speaking full time in 2016. She has also built a brand that now includes a podcast, a newsletter with more than 30,000 subscribers and a growing social media presence, where she sometimes posts with a look-alike puppet named Nagoggles.

Much of what Nagoski preaches, she said, is a transformation of how most of us have been taught sex is supposed to work — that it is always pleasurable and easy.

“Pleasure only happens under really specific circumstances, and the 21st-century, postindustrial world doesn’t naturally create those circumstances very often,” she said. “We are all overwhelmed, exhausted, stressed. Like, of course you have to put effort into transitioning out of your everyday state of mind into a sexy state of mind.”

But in “Come Together,” Nagoski is arguing that desire is almost beside the point. “Center pleasure, because great sex over the long term is not about how much you want sex,” she writes, “it’s about how much you like the sex you’re having.”

Put more succinctly: “Pleasure is the measure.”

This concept may seem obvious to some, and Nagoski isn’t saying anything sex researchers don’t know. But Rosalyn Dischiavo, president of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists, who described Nagoski as both “delightfully geeky” and a “rock star” in the field, called it a “radical truth.”

“As sex educators, one of the most beautiful parts of our job — and one of the most frustrating parts of our job — is to ring that bell over and over and over again to wake people up and say, ‘Pleasure is good,’” she said. “‘Pleasure is healing.’”

A crop of half of Emily Nagoski's face, smiling, next to an image of her puppet who is also smiling.
Nagoski sometimes posts on social media using a look-alike puppet, Nagoggles

Taking her own advice

Nagoski knows that telling couples to “just access pleasure together” is easier said than done. For most people, herself included, a long list of things can hit their sexual brakes. In the past several years, she has dealt with perimenopause, a back injury, and then long Covid, which has caused severe vascular problems. For months, Nagoski could barely walk to her mailbox. And she is still healing.

In 2021, Nagoski was diagnosed with autism, after her therapist noted she was unusually relieved not to have to see or talk to others during the height of the pandemic. Around that time, she watched the Pixar short “Loop,” in which two teens, one of whom has autism and is nonverbal, learn to communicate on a canoe ride. “It’s just this six-minute, animated thing,” she said, as she teared up. Watching it, she realized, “I’m autistic.”

The diagnosis, Nagoski said, was an “enormous relief.” People on the autism spectrum are sometimes blunt and unfiltered, and the diagnosis helped to explain why she might be so good at what she does. “I think one of the reasons talking about sex is so easy for me is that I have not absorbed the same ‘shoulds’ in the same way,” she said.

“Come Together” is the first time Nagoski has publicly opened up about her sex life, a decision she initially felt ambivalent about. “Before I wrote the book, I wondered if revealing, like, ‘I, too, have struggled with desire in a long-term relationship’ would undercut my expertise.”

When asked what she and her partner did to move through their dry spells, Nagoski distilled it to this: First, she spent a lot of time talking to her therapist (whom she has seen for years) about how to speak to her husband about their issues in a way that felt loving and not accusatory. Next, before they tried initiating anything physical, the couple spent a lot of time talking about sex. Nagoski realized it was important to let Stevens be silly about their situation, she said. (Their inside jokes about his genitals can’t be repeated here.) It brought some levity to their conversations and helped them to realize how important playfulness is to their dynamic in the bedroom.

Last, she asked her husband to be more affectionate with her outside of sexual situations. Their sex life is hardly perfect now, though if she were not recovering from long Covid, Nagoski said, she would describe it as better than it has ever been.

They made small changes, too. The couple began closing the bedroom door so their dogs — who “want to be up on the bed with us,” Nagoski said — couldn’t interrupt sex. They also moved any intimate supplies they needed closer to the bed. The two were trying to eliminate every possible barrier and inconvenience.

But there are risks, Nagoski acknowledged, when couples start having conversations about what is not working in their sex lives. “None of us want to hurt our partner’s feelings,” she said. If a couple cannot navigate those talks on their own, or even bring themselves to start them, then, “yeah, therapy,” she said.

“It’s hard work,” she said of keeping sex going in a long-term relationship. “And you have to care. It isn’t necessary for survival. It’s not even necessary to have a spectacular life. I don’t require anyone on Earth to make any kind of change to their sex life if they don’t want to.”

But Nagoski said for her, “it’s a priority.” The couple now sees sex as a “project” they work on together, making time for it in their calendar.

“We talk about it more than we talk about what we’re going to have for dinner. I alter my schedule so that I don’t have anything that’s going to wipe me out so much that on our calendar day, I’m not going to have any energy left,” Nagoski said. She tries to give herself grace when it does not happen, like when she recently canceled a scheduled sex date because of a migraine.

“What matters,” she said, “is that you’re cocreating a context that makes it easy to access pleasure.”

Complete Article HERE!

Why Talking About Sex is So Awkward

— Sex is everywhere, but talking about is still so taboo. Here’s how to begin to change that.

By Sabrina Winter

Gianna Bacio makes a living doing something most people are uncomfortable with: talking about sex. And she’s been doing it day in, day out for the past 13 years, especially on Instagram and TikTok.

Today, great TV shows like Sex Education have begun demystifying the topic, but we’re still very far from comfortable and positive discussions about what we like in bed. We asked Bacio why that is and what we can do about it.

VICE: Hey Gianna. When was the first time you talked about sex?
Gianna Bacio:
I was 4 years old. I was sitting in the back seat of my parents’ car, playing with Barbie and Ken, when Barbie said, “Ken, let’s fuck!” That’s how my family still tells the story to this day.

People hate talking about sex, but for you, it seems fun.
I’ve always enjoyed it. I remember an evening with my friends, I was maybe 19 or 20, where we met up with plans to go out later. I just threw the question out there: “What do you do with the sperm after having sex?”

Some friends found it totally gross and shut it down, but I thought it was an important question. I wanted to share my experiences and learn from others. Maybe I was just oversharing.

Why do people get so embarrassed?
Shame is a crucial part of embarrassment. The ability to feel shame is innate, but it’s only later that it really kicks in with socialization. When children hear, “Yuck,” “That’s gross,” or “Stop that,” they become insecure. Talking about personal preferences is considered shameful in our culture, just as opening your mouth in public is shameful in Japan, for example.

Does shame have any positive connotations?
Well, if we look at evolution, yes. For humans, group survival was crucial and bodily responses like blushing signal: “This is uncomfortable for me.” Today, it’s become unnecessary in many situations, though.

So shame gets in the way of good sex. But it’s only part of the explanation, right?
Yes, during sex, we are usually naked. This vulnerability should not be underestimated when talking about sex. We make ourselves vulnerable, we reveal something about ourselves. Plus, sex has long been considered forbidden and dirty. And that’s even more the case with female pleasure – we’ve only begun openly talking about it in the past few decades.

Why is that?
We haven’t come very far in terms of gender equality. While there has been a revolution on women’s rights, the Church – which has had a huge influence in Europe for many centuries – made sex and masturbation taboo. Today, few people are religious, but we still don’t learn to talk about sex.

Who should teach us? Parents? Teachers? The internet?
Parents, of course, are role models. People often ask me: When is the right time for sex education? I think there doesn’t need to be a big moment. If you talk about sex openly, you’ll notice when a child develops their curiosity. Then they’ll ask questions, and you can answer them.

You have a young son. What questions does he ask?
My son is almost 5 and is very curious. He sees many books at home dealing with the body. Recently, at the library, he held up a book about bodies and said, “Look Mom, you like these kinds of books.” Of course, he knows what I do for work and asks many questions.

What should schools teach about sex?
I was recently in a classroom and could feel the embarrassment. It manifested as a lot of giggling. But it was even worse in the teachers’ lounge, there was even more giggling.

The problem is, in school, you only learn how to protect yourself – whether from pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections. The joyful, positive aspects of sex are rarely discussed.

In one of your Instagram posts, you wrote that good sex can be learned. How?
There’s this assumption you should just be able to have sex, that it’s innate. Either it works, or it doesn’t. Some believe they just need the perfect partner. That’s mostly nonsense.

I believe that if you’re willing to put in the effort, you can have good sex or a good relationship with anyone. You have to educate yourself, experiment, communicate, and figure out what pleases you.

How do you start doing that?
You have to get over yourself, of course. One strategy is to dive into the deep end. For example, you can say to your partner: “Hey, let’s sit down tomorrow at 6PM and talk about sex.” This involves revealing intimate details, stating your own needs, and discussing preferences.

How do you even find out about your preferences?
That’s not easy. Our attention and thoughts often focus on the other person and what they like. It can be worth asking yourself: Where do I want to be touched? What makes sex good to me? Opening up isn’t easy. People often message me about it.

What kinds of messages do you receive?
Sometimes women write to me that they’ve been faking an orgasm for years. They ask me: “How can I now say it was never real?”

What do you advise them?
Well, either they live with the lie or they overcome this hurdle. Often, I sense a desire for change in these messages. But you have to do something about it. It’s probably awkward to talk about sex for the first time. But I promise: It gets easier over time. 

What helped you?
Repetition. And therapy.

Therapy isn’t always accessible, nor is jumping into the deep end. What else can you do to talk more about sex?
Perhaps with a game. Then, there’s an external entity raising questions and stimulating reflection.

Are these topics harder for men or women?
Often for men.

Why?
This sounds like a stereotype, but unfortunately, men talk less and are less open. When they do talk about sex, it’s more about performance. They don’t frequently ask themselves what they would like.

Not talking about sex is bad, but having sex without your partner’s consent is worse. How can we communicate more clearly about that?
Here we are again with the question: What do I like, and what do I want? It helps to listen to your gut feeling. When we don’t want something, we notice it, and we should trust ourselves. If we don’t, we also harm our self-esteem and confidence because we betray ourselves.

Complete Article HERE!

How Lube Helped Me Unlock A New Level Of Sexual Pleasure

By Hilary Shepherd

I recently located my clitoris, which, at 33 years old, sounds way overdue. Alone, inspired by a conversation I had with a sex therapist, and apparently horny on a Saturday night, I decided to forgo my rotating collection of vibrating sex toys, which I’d always enjoyed while watching porn and wearing underwear (a “fabric barrier” has always felt less imposing to me) in favor of a foreign combination: my fingers and a bottle of lube.

Within minutes, I was able to go deeper into my body in a way I hadn’t before. I relished in the unfamiliar sensations and possibilities for pleasure hidden in various corners and crevices I’d long overlooked but was now able to easily explore, thanks to the lube’s super smooth texture. (For reference, I used SKYN‘s new Naturally Endless lube, a water-based formula with a host of naturally derived ingredients that also happens to be non-sticky and long-lasting.) As I closed my eyes, I was also surprised by how easily I was able to relax and focus on exploring myself even without the chorus of moans blaring from some X-rated website. I thought of all the vulva diagrams I’d seen in gynecologists’ offices and used them as a guide to locate key areas I knew were hotbeds of pleasure. After repeatedly making a “come hither” motion at the top, where I knew my clitoris lived, the sensation rapidly built up into several intense, full-body waves of euphoria. To be clear, I have experienced an orgasm before, but not like this. I did it again and again and again, delighting in the newfound sensation.

The way I found my clit — pearl-like and erect, nestled amid a fleshy hood, and seemingly designed to provide toe-curling spasms — reminds me of my equally clumsy journey with tampons. Desperate to follow my friends at school who had all ditched pads, I used to spend hours locked in my bathroom attempting to successfully insert a tampon. With one leg on the toilet, I’d study the step-by-step guide that came in the box, quietly suppressing a very real fear of the string disappearing into the ether, or worse, potentially dying from the “tampon disease.” I was unsure where exactly and how far up the applicator was supposed to go, but reaching for  a handheld mirror for assistance was out of the question. I grew up pretty religious (I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 21 and also experienced some trauma) and was taught that the vagina was an integral, yet ugly and confusing part of your body — something to largely ignore.

And so, for a couple of years, I simply went about life wearing tampons incorrectly — I was never able to insert them fully, so the bottom half would stick out. I chalked it up to having an “abnormal” vagina; I was different from my tampon-wearing friends, who’d swim and do cartwheels and jump on trampolines with the same carefree, “I-don’t-even-feel-it!” attitude I’d see in tampon commercials on TV.

This was an unfortunate, embarrassing, and painful fate I’d come to accept — until one day, it just clicked. All I had to do was take a moment to breathe, relax, and unclench my pelvic muscles. It was an exercise in patience, in pausing, in connecting with my body in a positive and intimate way. And it’s a lesson that would serve me well again, nearly two decades later.

I had never really masturbated with my fingers. In college, finally free and independent for the first time, I became curious about masturbating. A scene in a film I’d watched elicited an arousing sensation in me, and when the faucet method (IYKYK) didn’t do the trick, I tried the base of my electric toothbrush, blown away by the incredible sensation it provided after merely moving it around in that area atop my silk pajama pants. It was time, I realized, to get a proper vibrator.

Periwinkle, skinny, and decidedly non-threatening, my first toy was a dildo that symbolized sexual freedom. I had planned to experiment with it over the long holiday break that semester, but when my mom was driving me home from the airport, it switched on in my suitcase. The loud and incessant buzzing was impossible to ignore. “What is that?” my mom asked. I knew I could easily blame it on a rogue toothbrush, but…I told her the truth. “Ugh, Hilary,” she said, as if the word “PERVERT” had suddenly appeared across my forehead in big, black letters. “That’s disgusting.”

Though this experience didn’t stop me from using toys (my mother did not, thankfully, force me to toss my dildo), I felt ashamed for years, associating sexual pleasure with perversion, just as I did in my youth, and viewing masturbation as some filthy, primal deed done in secrecy. Sex throughout my 20s, then, was often alcohol-fueled, one-sided, and devoid of any real meaning; it was an intimate act that didn’t quite feel intimate, but more like something to dissociate from and simply endure. (Forget about an orgasm.)

These days, sex doesn’t feel so icky. My partner, who I’ve been with for more than five years, makes me feel secure and loved. It’s the first serious relationship I’ve ever been in, and while I’m still not able to orgasm during sex (I’m in therapy currently to work on some of those anxiety-ridden mental blocks, residual archaic beliefs from my childhood, and past trauma), it’s nevertheless an enjoyable and loving and important act. But I know there’s a lot more pleasure to be had.

Like many couples in long-term, monogamous relationships, our sex life has ebbed and flowed, decreasing during periods of extreme stress or confinement and increasing on, say, vacations or after spending time apart. One thing that’s remained the same, though, has been my inability to be an active participant in our sex life — meaning, instead of treating sex with the same curiosity and openness I feel when I masturbate, I’ve mostly allowed him to take the lead, cycling dutifully through positions and often beginning to feel truly aroused by the time he finishes. Lube, which we’ve never put that much thought into, has been something to hurriedly dig for in a bedside drawer half-way through sex when the friction becomes too much or he’s in the mood for a “super slippery sensation.” (Alternatively, it’s also reserved for hand jobs.) I never complain or provide input or direction, but how am I supposed to ever feel truly satisfied if I don’t speak up? Or rather, how can I speak up when I don’t even know my own body?

The logical, rational side of my brain knows that vaginal wetness fluctuates based on one’s menstrual cycle and a “zillion other factors,” according to London-based sex therapist and SKYN Sex Expert Gigi Engle, but sometimes it’s hard not to think that the problem is me — by using lube, it suggests I’m dried up, shriveled, and “not good enough” naturally. As it turns out, I’m not alone in harboring some of these false and self-sabotaging beliefs.

“One of the biggest and most pervasive myths I hear about lube is that you only need it if you can’t get ‘wet enough,’ meaning that something must be wrong with you,” says Engle, who wants to make it clear that lube is not just for preventing pain from friction. “Actually, lube is an amazing sex enhancer. It can increase your arousal and the stimulation you receive from toys, fingers, penises, whatever. It makes everything more comfortable. And honestly, everyone should be using it — solo or with others.”

Emboldened and inspired by the level of pleasure I unlocked using SKYN’s Naturally Endless lube during my recent solo session, I decided to be the one to incorporate it into the bedroom with my partner. I noticed that taking initiative this way provided me with a new sense of control, and my sexual autonomy was a welcome addition for us both. While I wasn’t able to reach orgasm (not yet, at least), I was able to feel him, literally and figuratively, on a much deeper and way more intimate level than ever before. What’s more, I also felt empowered enough to bring one of my favorite toys into the mix — another suggestion from Engle — which worked great (as a bonus, SKYN’s water-based lube is totally compatible with silicone devices).

This experience helped break up a period of stagnation and routine in our sexual relationship, and it also restored intimacy during a time when unsexy, external stressors (buying a house, getting married, planning for kids) feel especially prevalent. And more importantly, instead of sex being treated as a pre-bedtime ritual or a “task” to check off like an item on a grocery list, I’ve noticed we’re being playful again — and sex in general feels alive with delicious possibilities.

I no longer view sex (or my body) as something to fear or be disgusted by. I know I deserve pleasure, too, and that my parts are normal and beautiful. But there are tools out there that can make that easier to achieve, and also much better. Next up on my list of things to explore is anal, but I think I might start by breaking out that old handheld mirror first — it’s time to finally put a face to a name. 

Complete Article HERE!

Keep It Up

— Why Married Couples Should Still Self-Pleasure

By Ashley Cobb

When most people think of self-pleasure, they often associate it with single people. However, self-pleasure or masturbation can actually be incredibly helpful in maintaining a healthy and satisfying sex, whether single or coupled. Quiet as it’s kept, self-pleasure is an activity that many people engage in but rarely discuss openly. Masturbation is not only natural but is actually healthy and beneficial for individuals and their relationships. Many couples may feel hesitant or even guilty about the idea of masturbating while in a committed relationship, but the truth is, couples can benefit greatly from self-pleasure. According to a study published in 2007, masturbation not only encourages sexual satisfaction but is also a healthy practice. A smaller study from 2015 found that married women who masturbated enjoyed greater orgasms and sexual desire, high self-esteem, and greater marriage and sexual satisfaction. If that’s not proof enough that self-pleasure can benefit your relationship, here are eight more reasons why married couples should enjoy self-pleasure and how it can strengthen their relationship.

It can increase intimacy

Engaging in sexual self-pleasure can allow couples to explore and understand their own bodies better. By doing this, they can learn what they like and don’t like, which can be communicated to their partner. Knowing what pleases oneself can help bring about better communication with their partner about what they want and need during sex. Not to mention, watching each other engage in self-pleasure can be incredibly arousing and bring couples closer together.

It relieves stress

Life can be stressful, and when it feels like you’re juggling a million things at once, it can be difficult to find time for intimacy with your partner. Engaging in self-pleasure can be a way to relieve some of that stress and tension, which can make you more relaxed and present during sexual activity with your partner.

It can improve sexual function

It’s no secret that as we age, sexual function can be impacted. Engaging in self-pleasure can help combat this by encouraging blood flow to the genital region, promoting vaginal lubrication, and potentially improving sexual function overall. Plus, practicing solo can help with premature ejaculation and even some erectile dysfunction issues.

It can be fun

Sex is meant to be enjoyable, and while it’s important to prioritize intimacy with your partner, it’s also okay to indulge in self-pleasure just for the sake of having fun. Without the pressure of a partner, individuals can let go and explore their bodies in ways they might not feel comfortable doing during partnered sex.

It can increase desire

Engaging in sexual self-pleasure can actually lead to a higher desire for sexual activity with one’s partner. It relieves sexual tension and can increase sexual attraction to a partner.

It opens up communication channels

Many couples find it difficult to communicate their desires, needs and wants when it comes to sex. By introducing self-pleasure into the mix, you are opening a channel for communication, making it easier for both partners to discuss their fantasies and desires.

It can be empowering

Many people, particularly women, are taught that self-pleasure is taboo or even shameful. However, embracing your own sexuality and engaging in self-pleasure can be incredibly empowering. It can help you feel more confident and comfortable in your own skin, which can ultimately lead to a more fulfilling sex life with your partner.

It can help you avoid pressure on your partner

In some relationships, there may be a pressure or expectation on one partner to be solely responsible for the other’s pleasure. This can be incredibly stressful and put unnecessary pressure on the partner in question. By engaging in self-pleasure, you’re able to take some of the pressure off of your partner and ensure that you’re both able to focus on enjoying each other without worrying about fulfilling specific expectations.

Self-pleasure is nothing to feel guilty about in a committed relationship. Overall, self-pleasure can be incredibly beneficial for married couples. By helping you better understand your body, relieve stress, spice things up in the bedroom, feel empowered, and avoid pressure on your partner, self-pleasure can ultimately strengthen your bond. Individuals should be encouraged to explore their bodies and find what they enjoy. So, if you’re in a committed relationship, don’t be afraid to explore your own sexuality and engage in a little self-pleasure from time to time. Your sex life (and your relationship as a whole) will thank you for it.

Complete Article HERE!

Sex therapists on 20 simple, satisfying ways to revive your lost libido

— Losing your mojo is very common, but it can be overcome, whether through self-love, putting down your phone – or even a sex ban

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Most people will experience a loss of sexual desire at some point in their life, be it due to parenthood, a health condition, hormonal changes, grief or other reasons. But how can you overcome this? Sex therapists and educators share the secrets to getting your mojo back.

1. Be aware that it is incredibly normal

“Fluctuations in desire are a natural part of the human experience, influenced by different life stages,” says Chris Sheridan, a psychotherapist and founder of The Queer Therapist in Glasgow. “We’re not robots,” says Natasha Silverman, a Relate sex and relationship therapist based in the Cotswolds. She has helped couples who haven’t had sex for decades and says this is one of the most common reasons people seek advice. “It is very normal for relationships to go through periods when couples aren’t having sex, or one person wants to and the other doesn’t.”

2. Mood is often a factor

Addressing this is the first step. “External life stresses and anxiety all put the brakes on sexual desire,” says Silverman. “If you are stressed and overwhelmed – worried about the kids or there are problems at work – it’s not going to be quite so easy to get into that headspace.” Medication such as antidepressants can also have an impact on sex drive, she adds.

3. Have a medical check-up

It is important to see a doctor about loss of libido. If people are describing anxiety, depression or other symptoms that may be connected to a health issue such as the menopause, “we do suggest that people get checked”, says Silverman. “For example, someone may have erectile difficulties that are putting them off sex. But if that is a chronic problem, it can be indicative of something like heart disease.”

4. Talk to someone outside the relationship

Find someone to confide in, says Silverman. This could be “a friend or a professional. Someone who can normalise it, help you look at why this might be happening and take the shame out of it. Think about when things changed and what might be making it more difficult.” Try to work out, “what it is that made you feel as if your mojo isn’t there any more”, says Dami “Oloni” Olonisakin, a sex positive educator and author of The Big O: An empowering guide to loving, dating and f**king.

5. Be prepared to talk to your partner

When you are ready, talk to your partner about how you are feeling. This could be in a therapy space or on your own. “Your partner will already be sensing that something has changed,” says Silverman. “And if you’re not talking about it with them, they are going to fill in the gaps, most likely with their own anxieties: ‘They don’t want to be with me any more’; ‘They don’t find me attractive’; ‘Maybe there’s someone else.’ So be upfront and honest.” Most people are too ashamed to work on stale, long-term relationships and be more creative about seeking pleasure together, says Todd Baratz, a sex therapist in New York City. It doesn’t “necessarily mean getting out the whips and chains, it just means communicating about sex, talking about what your sexual needs are”.

‘Set aside time each week to explore each other’s bodies.’

6. Single people struggle with desire, too

It is not only those in a relationship who experience a loss of libido. Silverman says she is seeing increasing numbers of single people who “want to iron out mistakes from previous relationships” and women, in particular, who have become used to “minimising their needs”. There are a lot of myths that need to be busted about the G-spot and what a healthy sex life looks like, she says. Being single is a good time to figure out what works for you “and make yourself more robust”, for your next relationship or sexual encounter.

7. Work out what desire means to you

“Society often normalises saying ‘yes’ to things we may not genuinely want to do, a behaviour that can permeate our relationship dynamics,” says Sheridan. “Expressing our true desires and practising saying ‘no’ enables us to transition into healthy communication characterised by negotiation and mutual consent.”

“What is really important,” says Miranda Christophers, a sex and relationship psychotherapist at The Therapy Yard in Beaconsfield, “is that both partners have the desire for desire. If somebody’s motivation for intimacy is because they know that their partner likes to have sex and they need to do it to keep the partner happy, that wouldn’t necessarily be a positive motivator. We try to get them to work out what they enjoy about sex, what they are getting from it.” That could be pleasure in the moment or a sense of connection afterwards.

8. In most couples, one person will want sex more than the other

“This phenomenon is not exclusive to heterosexual couples,” says Sheridan. “It presents similarly within same-sex and sexually diverse relationships”, in which there can be “an additional layer of complexity emerging due to the pervasive influence of heteronormativity”. “Desire isn’t necessarily gender specific,” says Baratz. “It is often assumed that men want sex all the time and women want to be seduced, and that’s not the case. People have a wide and diverse expression of how they desire, regardless of their gender.” That said, men tend to experience spontaneous desire, whereas women are more responsive, says Christophers, and desire may only kick in at the point of arousal.

9. A sex ban can be a good place to start

Silverman says many therapists will encourage couples to abstain from sex and masturbation while initial conversations are taking place, before introducing affection for affection’s sake that won’t lead to something else. Plus, “telling someone they can’t have sex tends to be an effective way to get them in the mood”, she says.

10. Looking back is crucial

As with any kind of therapy, considering past experiences, positive and negative, can help to process problems in the present. Sheridan explains: “Examining a client’s sexual response history across their lifespan allows us to discern whether the change is a situational occurrence or a longstanding pattern. A crucial aspect of this involves understanding the current and historical dynamics of their relationships.” Silverman adds: “We look at their first relationships, the potential obstacles that are in the way of them being able to let go sexually, any health problems, trauma or historic sexual abuse.” “Trauma has a huge impact on our sensory system,” says Baratz, “and sex is all about sensory experiences, so it’s going to potentially decrease the way we feel safe or connected to our senses. That means that we need to be with a partner we feel safe with.”

11. Rediscover non-sexual intimacy

This could be “kissing each other before you leave the house or playfully patting your partner on the bum as they walk past”, says Oloni. “Different things can help reignite that spark, so when you are back in bed you’ve done things throughout the day that remind you your partner still desires you sexually and is attracted to you.” Sensate exercises, in which couples are encouraged to “set aside time each week to explore each other’s bodies, focusing on the feeling that they have themselves when they are doing this”, are helpful too, says Christophers.

12. Scheduling

This isn’t for everyone, says Silverman, as it can make sex feel like even more of a chore. But it can be helpful for some, especially if young children are getting in the way. “Schedule a romantic date night or time to find different ways to get in touch with that side,” says Oloni. For new parents, Christophers advises: “Even if it is just for an hour, go somewhere else and create a more adult space together.” Baratz recommends “planning sex instead of relying upon spontaneity and declaring our schedules are too busy”.

13. Self-love is everything

“Emphasising self-love is integral,” says Sheridan. “As it empowers individuals to honestly articulate their needs and desires, building more authentic and fulfilling sexual and emotional intimacy in the relationship.” Take care of yourself too: shower and put on fragrance, says Baratz. “Exercise plays a big role in cultivating a relationship with your body.” He encourages “yoga, if that’s pleasurable, or massage or a spa day or a bath bomb – anything that is a sensory experience that feels good and will reinforce the connection that we can feel with our body”. “When you walk past a mirror, tell yourself how beautiful you are,” says Oloni. “How lucky anybody would be to be in your presence naked.”

14. Work on body confidence

This could be through “buying yourself new lingerie that makes you feel sexy”, says Oloni. “You need to find that confidence within yourself then present that to your partner. I used to work in Victoria’s Secret, and I remember a woman came in who had just had a child and she burst into tears because a bra looked good on her. That has stuck with me because it really does take the right type of underwear to make you feel sexy again, or to see yourself in a different way.”

15. Faking it can be counterproductive

Again, this is very common, thanks to people getting sex education from mainstream pornography, says Silverman, which often suggests women need to have penetrative sex to have an orgasm, whereas about 75% of women require clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm. But “every time someone fakes an orgasm, they are showing their partner the exact wrong way to make them climax – there is a sexual dishonesty there”, she says. “Some people do struggle to reach orgasm, which is known as anorgasmia. This can be a result of medication, trauma or trust issues that haven’t been explored. But generally speaking, people can reach orgasm on their own. We recommend that people get to know their bodies by themselves and what does it for them, before expecting a partner to know what to do.”

16. Pornography doesn’t have to be visual

“There is a difference between ethical and non-ethical pornography,” says Oloni. “And it is important to understand what has been created for the male gaze.” She points to other forms of erotica that can be accessed, such as audio pornography and literature. “There are so many different mediums you could get that sexual rush from, but I don’t think people truly explore. It’s usually the same link or bookmark of a favourite porn site or video. I think it’s important to mix it up, especially when it comes to fantasising. They say that the biggest sexual organ that we actually have is the brain. It’s so important to fantasise in different ways instead of just one.”

17. Think about ‘sexual currency’

“This is a term that a lot of sex educators are using now,” says Oloni, “which is designed to help you find that desire and spark in your relationship. It could mean cuddling more on the sofa when you’re watching a movie, or it could be remembering to kiss your partner before you leave the house.”

18. Write down things you want to try

This helps if you can’t say them out loud. Work out what they are and send over an image or link, suggests Oloni. “Write them down on bits of paper and put them in a pot,” says Christophers, so you can pull them out and potentially try something new. “Create an opportunity for playfulness,” she says. “A bit more intrigue, a bit more mystery.”

19. Variety is the spice of life

Oils, toys and other aids can be useful after body changes due to the menopause, having a baby or other health conditions, says Christophers, as is trying different positions. “Think about comfort and practical things, such as using lubricants.”

20. Put down your phone

For those who would rather go to bed with their phone than their partner, put it away. “This comes up a lot,” says Christophers. “I’m not saying don’t ever bring your phone into bed,” says Oloni. “But that could be a time where you up your sexual currency. You’re in bed with your partner. This is where you should feel your most relaxed but you can’t really unwind when you are on your phone, you’re still taking in so much information. You could use that time instead to not necessarily have sex, but just be still, hug, spoon or giggle with your partner.”

Complete Article HERE!

Women have more sex as they age

— And it’s better, too. A sexologist explains why.

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  • Juliana Hauser is a licensed therapist who specializes in sex-positive counseling.
  • She says many women have better sex as they age.
  • Self pleasure can help women explore new desires, she said.

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Juliana Houser, a licensed marriage and family therapist who is the resident expert and advisor at Kindra. It has been edited for length and clarity.

The success of “The Golden Bachelor” has proven something I’ve seen in my work for a long time. When it comes to love, relationships, and sex, older people don’t want to be counted out.

Many of my clients in their 50s and beyond have vibrant, exciting, and novel sex lives. They want to be seen as sexual beings. When that occurs, great things happen: I’ve met many women who are having passionate, orgasmic sex that just gets better with age. Here’s how they’re doing it and the tips that can help you have the same, no matter what your age.

Harness confidence in yourself

Society feeds us lots of messages about what it means to be a woman who is desired and who desires others. We all have an image of what it means to be sexy — and if we don’t think we fit that picture, we can become disconnected from our own eroticism.

And yet, by the time women reach middle age, they have self-confidence. When you know who you authentically are, you can shed all the layers of what you thought sexy was. That lets you unapologetically embrace what sexy means to you.

Nurture the most important sexual relationship you have

Nearly everyone has their own individual sex life, whether they’re partnered or not. Your sexual relationship with yourself is the longest and most important sexual relationship you’ll have, but too often, we ignore it.

Create different sexual experiences for yourself, just like you would with a partner. Vary what times of day you self-pleasure; have slow, intimate sessions and quickies; explore your kinky side.

Take microdoses of pleasure

Lots of people, especially women, deprive themselves. We focus so much time on our careers and families while pushing pleasure off for another time — the weekends or vacation.

Instead of doing that, I recommend finding time for microdoses of pleasure every day. Change the pacing of pleasure until it’s something that’s constantly around rather than something to be waited for.

Connect with your senses

How do you microdose pleasure? By connecting with our senses. Feeling sensual can open the door to feeling pleasure, which I define as feeling a spark or vibrancy inside you.

Pleasure and sensuality start with things that aren’t sexual at all: a sunrise that brings you joy or the smell of a bouquet of flowers. Look for anything that makes your body say “yum” or “yes.” As you respond to that part of yourself, you’ll become more confident in finding and experiencing what brings you pleasure in bed.

Understand your body is changing

The impacts of menopause are undeniable and normal. But they don’t have to mean the end of your sex life — in fact, we’ve found that 70% of women who are 50 or older still enjoy sex.

There can be hard feelings associated with changing bodies and again. But embracing change can be helpful. Learn what works for your body now. Try products and toys that might ease any difficulties you have. Broaden your definition of sex. After all, there’s a whole continuum of what sex can be, not just penetration.

Get curious

Adapt an attitude of curiosity about sex. Google “10 best sex toys of 2023” and see what catches your eye. If you hear a term you don’t know, look it up. Ask your friends where they’re finding pleasure, or what aspects of sex and aging are challenging for them. Share your struggles and your interests.

You can even create a sex bucket list. Revisit it every now and then — you might notice that you might want to try things that were once a “no,” or that acts that were once appealing no longer intrigue you.

More than anything, know what pleasure is your birthright. Sexuality isn’t a luxury reserved for the young(er). It’s a necessity that we can connect with throughout our lives.

Complete Article HERE!

Masturbation Tips for People With Vaginas

— Masturbation is a natural and healthy aspect of sexual development that has many health benefits. There are various ways for individuals with vaginas to self-pleasure, including using their hands and toys to stimulate their genitals and other erogenous zones, like the nipples.

By

Key takeaways:

  • Masturbation has many health benefits, including reducing stress, improving sleep quality, and learning what feels pleasurable.
  • The most common types of masturbation include clitoral, vaginal, and anal stimulation or a combination of the three.
  • Tips for exploring each area include applying a lubricant, slowly increasing arousal, and experimenting with different strokes, pressures, and speeds.

If you’re new to exploring self-pleasure or looking for ways to enhance your experience, we’ve gathered some tips and insights below that may be helpful.

Benefits of masturbation

Masturbation has a myriad of health benefits, making it a healthy and fun sexual activity. Masturbation has been found to:

  • Reduce stress
  • Relieve sexual tension
  • Improve sleep quality
  • Enhance knowledge of how you like to be pleasured
  • Improve mood
  • Strengthen the pelvic floor muscles
  • Alleviate period pain for some people

Different types of masturbation

There are various erogenous zones for people with vaginas for self-pleasure. In this article, we’ll focus on the most commonly practiced types of masturbation to help you get started. However, there are many ways to explore and enjoy your body, and you should always feel empowered to pleasure yourself in a comfortable and pleasurable way.

Clitoral masturbation

Clitoral masturbation is the most common form of masturbation for folks with vaginas, as many people cannot orgasm without clitoral stimulation. The clitoris is a highly sensitive erogenous zone that contains approximately 10,000 sensory nerve endings, making it a prime area for self-pleasure. You can pleasure the clitoris using your fingers to rub all areas of the clitoris, or you can use a vibrating or suction sex toy for extra stimulation.

Vaginal masturbation

Vaginal masturbation is also another common form of masturbation, and while it feels pleasurable for many people, not everyone can orgasm from vaginal stimulation. There are several pleasurable areas in the vagina that you can explore, and many people find stimulating the top wall of the vagina, often referred to as the G-spot, pleasurable. You can pleasure the vagina using your fingers or a sex toy.

Anal masturbation

The anus and rectum contain many sensory nerve endings, making anal masturbation a highly pleasurable experience. You can please the anus externally using fingers or a vibrator or internally using anal toys or fingers.

How to get started

While each person’s self-pleasure routine will look different, there are a few tips that many people use to help get them in the mood.

Create a relaxing environment

To maximize pleasure during masturbation, it’s important to ensure that you have a cozy environment. To do this, first, ensure that you have some privacy by locking the door and switching off your phone to avoid any unwelcome interruptions. If you live somewhere with limited privacy, consider jumping in the bath or shower and locking the door behind you.

Next, make your chosen room as desirable as possible by considering what is pleasurable to each of your five senses. Consider lighting candles, dimming the lights, wearing something that feels luxurious or turns you on, and playing relaxing music or sounds.

Don’t forget lubrication

You may know that a lubricant is an essential ingredient for pleasurable intercourse, but did you know that it also makes masturbation feel amazing too? While the vagina is self-lubricating, sometimes it doesn’t produce enough lubrication to make sex pleasurable. This is why you should always use a lubricant when having any kind of sexual activity. And if you’re exploring anal play, lubrication is a must, as the anus isn’t self-lubricating.

Get exploring

No matter which area of the body you intend to explore, the key is to keep an open mind and get curious about how your body can feel and respond to pleasure. Explore different sensations, pressures, speeds, and areas of the body to find out what feels best for you. You may also want to experiment with toys or erotica to help increase arousal.

Tips for exploring the clitoris

The clitoris is a highly sensitive part of the body. Here are some ways you can begin exploring what feels good to you:

  • Start slowly. Start by applying some lubrication to the clitoris and labia, then slowly begin stroking your vulva. There’s no rush to get to the clitoris, so take your time by slowly building up arousal and allowing blood to flow to the area.
  • Vary speed and pressure. When ready, move to the clitoris, rubbing or stroking it with little pressure. Then slowly increase the pressure and the speed of the strokes to your liking.
  • Different techniques. You may want to explore different techniques, such as pinching the clitoris, rubbing it in circles, or stroking it up and down. You can also use a sex toy, such as a vibrator, to gently rub or press onto the clitoris.
  • Increase the pressure. Once you have found a sensation that feels good, increase the pressure and intensity of the strokes, rubbing, or vibrations until you reach orgasm or feel like you’ve had enough.
Tips for exploring the vagina

Finding out what feels good for you inside your vagina is important for increasing sexual pleasure. Try these tips to begin your exploration slowly and sensitively:

  • Stimulate blood flow. Start by applying a lubricant to the clitoris, labia, fingers, and sex toy. Then slowly begin stroking your vulva and clitoris to increase arousal and blood flow to the vagina.
  • Slowly insert fingers or sex toy. When ready, part opens your vagina with your fingers and insert your fingers or a sex toy. Then slowly start exploring the vagina, moving your fingers or toys in a circular motion inside the vagina to find a pleasurable spot.
  • New techniques. You may want to explore different techniques, such as using your fingers in a “come here” motion to stimulate the G-spot, moving your fingers or toys in and out of your vagina, or simultaneously playing with the clitoris.
  • Keep going. Once you have found a sensation that feels good, increase the pressure and intensity of the strokes until you reach orgasm or feel like you’ve had enough.

Tips for exploring the anus

The anus can be a deeply pleasurable area for some people. Try these tips to find out if it’s something you like:

  • Always lubricate. Start by applying a lubricant to your fingers or sex toy. Then slowly begin stroking and rubbing the outside of your anus.
  • Gentle exploration. When ready, carefully insert your finger or toy into your anus, then slowly start exploring the anus, moving your fingers or toy in a circular motion inside the anus to find a pleasurable spot.
  • Experiment. You may want to explore different techniques, such as moving your fingers or toy in and out of your anus or simultaneously playing with the clitoris or vagina.

It’s important to note that when using sex toys to stimulate the anus, they should have a flared base to prevent them from getting lost in the rectum, which can result in surgical intervention.

When it comes to exploring masturbation, the key thing that you should aim for is to have a pleasurable experience. While having an orgasm can be an amazing experience, masturbation without an orgasm can also be incredibly enjoyable. So try not to pressure yourself to have an orgasm each time you masturbate, but rather stay curious about what you find pleasurable, and enjoy the experience.

Complete Article HERE!

8 Sex Myths That Experts Wish Would Go Away

— Everyone else is having more sex than you. Men want sex more than women do. And more.

By Catherine Pearson

Chalk it up to the variability in sex education, in high schools and even medical schools, or to the fact that many adults find it hard to talk about sex with the person who regularly sees them naked. Whatever the reason, misinformation about sexuality and desire is common.

“There are so many myths out there,” said Laurie Mintz, an emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Florida who focuses on human sexuality. And, she added, they can “cause a lot of damage.”

So the Well section reached out to a group of sex therapists and researchers, and asked them to share a myth they wished would go away.

Here’s what they said.

Myth 1: Everyone else is having more sex than you.

“Oddly, this myth persists across the life span,” said Debby Herbenick, director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at the Indiana University School of Public Health and author of “Yes, Your Kid: What Parents Need to Know About Today’s Teens and Sex.”

Many teenagers think “everyone is doing it,” she said, leading them to jump into sex that they simply are not ready for. This myth can make older people in long-term relationships feel lousy, too — like they are the only ones in a so-called dry spell, when they may simply be experiencing the natural ebb and flow of desire.

“It’s pretty typical to find that about one in three people have had no partnered sex in the prior year,” Dr. Herbenick said, referencing several nationally representative surveys. She also points to research she has worked on showing that sexual activity has declined in recent years for reasons that aren’t fully understood. (Researchers have hypothesized that the decline has to do with factors like the rise in sexting and online pornography, as well as decreased drinking among young people.)

“It can help to normalize these periods of little to no partnered sex,” Dr. Herbenick said. “That said, for those looking for some longevity in their partnered sex life, it’s important to think about sex in a holistic way.” That means caring for your physical and mental health, she said, and talking through your feelings with your partner to maintain a sense of intimacy and connection.

Myth 2: Sex means penetration.

Sex therapists often lament that people get caught up in certain “sexual scripts,” or the idea that sex should unfold in a particular way — typically, a bit of foreplay that leads to intercourse.

But “we need to move beyond defining sex by a single behavior,” said Ian Kerner, a sex therapist and author of “She Comes First.” He noted that this type of narrow thinking has contributed to the longstanding pleasure gap between men and women in heterosexual encounters. For example, a study found that 75 percent of heterosexual men said they orgasmed every time they had been sexually intimate within the past month, compared with 33 percent of heterosexual women.

One survey found that 18 percent of women orgasmed from penetration alone, while 37 percent said they also needed clitoral stimulation to orgasm during intercourse. Instead of rushing toward intercourse, the focus should be on “outercourse,” Dr. Kerner said, which is an umbrella term for any sexual activity that doesn’t involve penetration.

“If you look at most mainstream movies, the image is women having these fast and fabulous orgasms from penetration, and foreplay is just the lead up to that main event,” Dr. Mintz said. “That is actually, scientifically, really damaging and false.”

In surveying thousands of women for her book “Becoming Cliterate,” Dr. Mintz found the percentage of women who said they orgasmed from penetration alone to be 4 percent or less.

Equating sex with penetration also leaves out people who have sex in other ways. For instance, Joe Kort, a sex therapist, has coined the term “sides” to describe gay men who do not have anal sex. Lexx Brown-James, a sex therapist, said that view also overlooks people with certain disabilities as well as those who simply do not enjoy penetration. Many people find greater sexual satisfaction from things like oral sex or “even just bodily contact,” she said.

Myth 3: Vaginas shouldn’t need extra lubricant.

Postmenopausal women sometimes describe the pain they experience during penetrative sex as feeling like “sandpaper” or “knives.” But while vaginal dryness affects older women at a higher rate, it can happen at any point in life, Dr. Herbenick said, which has implications for women’s sex lives.

An estimated 17 percent of women between 18 and 50 report vaginal dryness during sex, while more than 50 percent experience it after menopause. She noted that it is also more common while women are nursing or during perimenopause, and that certain medications, including some forms of birth control, can decrease lubrication.

“As I often tell my students, vaginas are not rainforests,” Dr. Herbenick said, noting that her research has found that most American women have used a lubricant at some point. “We can feel aroused or in love and still not lubricate the way we want to.”

Myth 4: It is normal for sex to hurt.

Though lubricant can help some women experience more pleasure during sex, it is important to remember that sex should not hurt. An estimated 75 percent of women experience painful sex at some point in their lives, which can have many root causes: gynecologic problems, hormonal changes, cancer treatment, trauma — the list goes on.

Shemeka Thorpe, a sexuality researcher and educator who specializes in Black women’s sexual well-being, said many women believe that pain during or after sex is a sign of good sex.

“We know a lot of the times that people who end up having some sort of sexual pain disorder later in life actually had sexual pain during their first intercourse, and continued to have sexual pain or vulva pain,” Dr. Thorpe said. “They didn’t realize it was an issue.”

Men, too, can experience pain during intercourse. Experts emphasize that it is important for anyone experiencing pain during sex to see a medical provider.

Myth 5: Men want sex more than women do.

“Desire discrepancy is the No. 1 problem I deal with in my practice, and by no means is the higher-desire partner always male,” Dr. Kerner said. “But because of this myth, men often feel a sense of shame around their lack of desire, and a pressure to always initiate.”

(Dr. Herbenick noted the related myth that women don’t masturbate, which she said holds them back from fully exploring their sexuality.)

But while there is data to suggest that men masturbate more often than women do, it is untrue that women don’t want sex, or that men always do, said Dr. Brown-James. For instance, one recent study found that women’s desire tended to fluctuate more throughout their lifetimes, but that men and women experienced very similar desire fluctuations throughout the week.

Myth 6: Desire should happen instantly.

Sex therapists and researchers generally believe that there are two types of desire: spontaneous, or the feeling of wanting sex out of the blue, and responsive, which arises in response to stimuli, like touch.

People tend to think that spontaneous desire — which is what many lovers experience early in relationships — is somehow better.

But Lori Brotto, a psychologist and the author of “Better Sex Through Mindfulness,” said a lot of the work she does is to normalize responsive desire, particularly among women and those in long-term relationships.

She helps them understand that it is possible to go into sex without spontaneous desire, as long as there is willingness and consent. Dr. Brotto likens it to going to the gym when you don’t feel like it. “Your endorphins start flowing, you feel really good and you’re grateful you went afterward,” she said.

Myth 7: Planned sex is boring.

Dr. Brotto also disagrees with the idea that “planned sex is bad sex,” because it makes it “clinical and dry and boring.”

That view is “so harmful,” she said. And it results in many people treating sex like an afterthought, doing it only late at night when they’re exhausted or distracted, Dr. Brotto said, if they make time for it at all.

When clients bristle at the practice of scheduling sex, she will ask: Are there many other activities in your life that you love or that are important to you that you never plan for or put on the calendar? The answer, she said, is usually no.

Scheduled sex can also lend itself to responsive desire, Dr. Brotto said, giving “arousal time to heat up.”

Myth 8: Your penis doesn’t stack up.

Men are under a certain amount of pressure when it comes to how their penises look or function, Dr. Kerner said. Younger men, he said, believe they shouldn’t have erectile dysfunction, while older men get the message that premature ejaculation is something they grow out of with age and experience.

The data tells a different story. Though erectile dysfunction — which is defined as a consistent inability to achieve or maintain an erection, not just occasional erection issues — does tend to increase with age, it also affects an estimated 8 percent of men in their 20s and 11 percent of those in their 30s. And 20 percent of men between the ages of 18 and 59 report experiencing premature ejaculation.

“We don’t have a little blue pill to make premature ejaculation go away, so we’re not having the same cultural conversation as we are with erectile dysfunction,” Dr. Kerner said. “We’re just left with the myths that guys with premature ejaculation are bad in bed, or sexually selfish.”

Likewise, studies show that many men — gay and straight — worry that their penises do not measure up, even though many partners say they do not prefer an especially large penis.

“Partnered sex is complex,” Dr. Kerner said. “It involves touching, tuning in, connecting, communicating.”

Complete Article HERE!

Beyond Pleasure

— How Intimate Gadgets Foster Deeper Connections

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One of the most beautiful feelings in the world is sharing a deep connection with your partner. Intimacy is essential in love. To sustain intimacy in a long-term connection, it is important to keep the spark alive. One of the ways to achieve that is by adding intimate gadgets to the mix. 

Intimate gadgets are a new way for couples to explore and improve their sexual experiences and deepen their connection. Right from visiting an adult toys shop to incorporating these in your intimate experiences, these aids can heighten sexual stimulation and improve sex life in general.

How Intimate Gadgets Aid in Building Deeper Connections

Aside from exploring new sexual horizons, these gadgets can also build trust and strengthen the bond between couples. You might ask, “How?” In this article, we will explore how these toys can help you and your partner develop a deeper connection. Let’s delve into them.

1. More room for open communication

Communication is the backbone of any successful relationship and is crucial for building a deeper connection between partners. Incorporating Intimate gadgets into sexual activities can open up new avenues for you and your partner to communicate about and be expressive.

It can help you articulate your desires and preferences better and become more open to trying new things. Even when you’re physically away from your partners, you can still get intimate remotely. There are intimate gadgets that facilitate these remote interactions and experiences.

2. Enhanced sexual well-being

Intimate gadgets can help improve their sexual experience. Medical studies have shown that certain devices like vibrating rings, massage oil, or lubricants help with sexual stimulation. This is quite helpful for individuals with conditions that make sex uncomfortable or even painful because these conditions decrease sexual intimacy and connection between partners.

In cases of erectile dysfunction or low libido, intimate gadgets can allow couples to try other methods and reignite their intimate lives. Intimate gadgets are also beneficial to individuals who have experienced sexual trauma or have difficulty reaching orgasm.

They provide comfort and pleasure and can help to reclaim sexual autonomy and overcome the negative effects of such trauma. A 2020 study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy revealed that the use of vibrators improved sexual function and reduced sexual distress in women who had difficulty achieving orgasm.

3. Emotional intimacy

There is a popular belief that intimate gadgets weaken emotional connections, but this is far from the truth. In fact, studies have shown that they can increase emotional closeness between partners.

Research has shown that the use of intimate gadgets can help partners to deeply understand and connect with each other. They help couples who use intimate gadgets experience higher levels of trust, openness, and vulnerability within their relationships.

A study conducted by the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University revealed that participants who used vibrators with their partners reported higher levels of intimacy, communication, and satisfaction in their relationships. This suggests that beyond the pleasure that these gadgets offer, they can help to strengthen intimate connections between partners. These devices act as a catalyst for partners to share their desires and insecurities.

4. Rekindling lost intimacy

Any relationship can experience a strain or lack of intimacy. New couples might still find it a bit awkward to talk about sex or sexual activities. Long-term relationships are more likely to experience strain due to factors like distance, stress, work, lack of trust due to previous experiences, and even financial responsibilities.

Partners can rekindle lost intimacy with intimate gadgets. Adopting intimate gadgets in a bedroom provides a safe place that minimizes the awkwardness that may occur when it comes to sexual discussions and activities and promotes trust between partners. Discussing such sensitive experiences with your partner automatically increases the level of comfort in sharing certain fantasies and finding common ground.

When the passion wanes, intimate toys can come in. It reinvigorates the passion between partners to promote maximum sexual satisfaction even in long-term relationships.

5. Exploration

One significant aspect of deepening intimacy is trying new things. Couples need to be vulnerable to explore and experiment with each other’s desires. Intimate gadgets can help couples discover new things about their bodies.

They provide a safe environment for you and your partner to explore fantasies together, learn what excites your partner, and find ways to satisfy each other’s needs. Exploration provides knowledge, and when you know the sweet spots in your erogenous zones, you can reach orgasms far more easily. This improves sex in general.

Now you can see that aside from their primary function of providing pleasure, intimate gadgets have the potential to foster deeper connections with your partners. They enhance relationships, improve communication, and promote sexual wellness. As technology continues to advance, it will be even more fascinating to see how intimate gadgets evolve and continue to play a role in fostering deeper and more meaningful connections between partners. The benefits of intimate gadgets when it comes to building a deeper romantic connection are not limited to heterosexual couples. These gadgets are inclusive of all sexual orientations and gender identities.

Complete Article HERE!

Don’t feel pressured, learn to ‘simmer’ and keep experimenting

— How to have great sex at every stage of life

Expert tips on a fun, fulfilling sex life – for teenagers, octogenarians and anyone in between

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Age 16-25

Don’t worry if your first time isn’t perfect
“It’s not helpful to think of sex as having one big ‘first time’. You’ll probably have lots of first times,” says Milly Evans, author of Honest: Everything They Don’t Tell You About Sex, Relationships and Bodies Instead, she advises breaking it down into all the individual firsts you might have – “your first time having oral sex, penetrative sex, using hands or using toys”. Even if you experience all of these with one person, there will be a whole new set of firsts to explore with a different partner.

Communication is the thing that matters most
This holds true whatever age you are, according to Clover Stroud, author of My Wild and Sleepless Nights “Communicating clearly about desire, or how you like to be touched or treated, isn’t easy. I wish I’d known how much sex improves as you get older and become more confident about what you like and how to communicate those needs.”

Being ready to have sex is more than just a feeling
“It’s about lots of practical and emotional things too,” says Evans. “Does the idea of having sex make you excited or anxious? Do you know enough about contraception, STIs and consent? Do you know where to access support if something doesn’t go to plan? Would you have to drink alcohol in order to feel confident enough to have sex? Is there a safe place for you to have sex? Safety, comfort and wellbeing are essential.” If you can’t answer all of these questions positively, you probably aren’t ready.

Think about what you want ahead of time
“Reflecting can help you feel more prepared and in control,” says Evans. “Take a look at boundaries around things like touch, communication and time. Ask yourself if the relationships or sex depicted on TV, in books or on social media are what you’d like from your own. And remember that sex is something that happens with you, not to you – speak up about what you want, and encourage partners to do the same.”

Switch off negativity
“As you’re looking at movies or television or porn, or magazines or music videos or social media, ask yourself, ‘After I see this, am I going to feel better about my body as it is today, or worse?’” says sex educator Emily Nagoski, in her book Come As You Are. “If the answer is ‘worse’, stop buying or watching those things.” This is especially important where porn is concerned.

As the recent report from the children’s commissioner for England, Rachel de Souza, has highlighted, the increasingly abusive, aggressive behaviour depicted on many mainstream porn sites is normalising sexual violence and exploitation among teenagers, affecting their mental health and undermining their ability to develop healthy sexual relationships.

You have the right to change your mind
“Don’t feel pressure to do something sexually that you’re not comfortable with,” advises psychotherapist Silva Neves, author of Sexology: The Basics. “You can always say ‘no’ or ‘pause’, or say ‘no’ after you’ve said ‘yes’.”

Age 25-35

It’s good to simmer
“The happiest erotic couples make a point of enjoying feeling aroused together for its own sake – even on days when sex isn’t on the menu,” says US sex therapist Stephen Snyder, author of Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship. “In sex therapy we call this simmering. It’s what teenage couples do whenever they get a moment’s privacy. Quick, intimate bodily contact, fully clothed – just enough to get you slightly buzzed.”

Penetrative sex isn’t the gold standard (nor, for that matter, is simultaneous orgasm)
Many of what we have come to perceive as cultural markers of sexual excellence are spurious ideas that are now being refuted by science – and more honest, open debate around the subject. Such ingrained cultural beliefs are worth challenging. Do what works for you rather than what society tells you ought to work for you. For example, says Neves: “Many gay men don’t have anal sex at all, but prefer oral sex and intimate touching. Similarly, many women have very good sex without penis-in-vagina sex.”

You need to set the right conditions for sex
Context is everything, explains Nagoski. If you’re feeling relaxed, loved and fully present (as opposed to, say, worrying about an email you need to send, an argument you’ve just had, or whether the children might walk in on you) you’re likely to have better sex. If you’re not, it doesn’t matter how sexy your partner is, how much you love them, how fancy your underwear is or how many candles you light – almost nothing will activate that desire. Nor is it about what you do with your partner, which body parts go where, or how often, or for how long. It’s about sharing sensation in the context of profound trust and connection, and recognising the difference between what great sex is really like and what most of us expect great sex to be like.

You don’t have to have sex at all
“Gen Z are having less sex than millennials, who have less sex than older generations. This is often treated as a bad thing, but it might reflect more self-awareness in a hypersexual society,” says Aimée Lutkin, author of The Lonely Hunter: How Our Search for Love Is Broken. “Think about what you want out of sex and be honest about whether it is the thing you are really seeking. Is it intimacy? Community? Distraction? If it is sex, that’s great. The more in touch you are with your needs, the more likely it is you’ll make the connections you want to.”

Commitment and monogamy can be exciting
“In my teens and 20s, I thought good sex was about physical desire,” says Stroud, “but in my 30s I realised that feeling psychologically ‘seen’ by another, and trusting them implicitly, is where good sex starts. Then you learn to take huge risks with them too. At that point, commitment and monogamy get really exciting.”

Age 35-45

It’s normal for sex to drop off the list of priorities
“When you have a new baby or you’re caring for an elderly parent, overwhelmed with work or coping with some other form of stress, sex won’t be top of the agenda (though for some it will be a useful stress reliever),” writes Nagoski. “Don’t panic about it. It’s a phase you’ll pass through when you’ve managed the stress, and you’ll find your way back to the other side.”

Have a six-second kiss
“Greet one another at the end of the day with a kiss that lasts at least six seconds, or a hug that lasts at least 20 seconds. That guarantees you will both produce the hormone of emotional bonding, oxytocin,” says relationships expert John Gottman, co-author of The Seven-Day Love Prescription.

Make sex a priority
“Don’t make lovemaking the very last item on a long to-do list,” says Gottman. “Make it a real priority. Go on an overnight romantic date at a local B&B, or farther afield, at least four times a year.”

Don’t try to second-guess what your partner will enjoy
Whether you’re trying to sustain sexual satisfaction in a long-term relationship or wondering why a new partner isn’t responding to your usual moves the way a previous one did, the key is to be really honest about what works (or doesn’t) for you, instead of expecting your partner to guess. “About a quarter of women orgasm reliably with intercourse,” writes Nagoski. “The other 75% sometimes, rarely or never do, but might orgasm through manual sex, oral sex, vibrators, breast stimulation, toe sucking or pretty much any way you can imagine. They’re all healthy and normal. Similarly, a woman can be perfectly normal and experience arousal nonconcordance, where the behaviour of her genitals (being wet or dry) may not match her mental experience (feeling turned on or not).”

Have sex with yourself
Whatever age you are, “masturbation can be a great way to explore your body and fantasies”, says Evans. “Spend time creating your own storylines and find out what turns you on. You can also explore a whole world of visual, written and audio erotic content – but make sure it’s ethical (ie it is consensual, treats performers with respect, and pays performers and makers fairly). Audio erotica, in particular, has become more mainstream, especially among those who aren’t into visual porn, enjoy bringing their imagination into solo sex or want to try something new.” Two of the best-known platforms are Quinn and Dipsea, but it’s a fast-growing market.

Mothers are allowed to enjoy sex, too
“It is a complicated balance, being both a mother and a sexual being,” says Lucy Roeber, editor of the Erotic Review, which relaunches later this year. “In our society, we sometimes expect women who give birth to pass through a door into an idealised state of maternal preoccupation without a backward glance. Yet they have the same messy lusts and cravings. My advice is: don’t strive to be too perfect a mother and don’t deny yourself pleasure. It is surprisingly easy for women to accidentally put their sexual being to one side while they work on motherhood. Yet the two can and should work together. After all, in most cases, it was sex that started the process of parenthood in the first place.”

Age 45-55

To cuddle or not to cuddle?
Snyder says that “cuddling tends to deplete a couple’s erotic energy. If you like to cuddle together while watching TV, then be sure to ‘simmer’ [see above] during the ad breaks.” Gottman, however, advises “a daily cuddling ritual for watching films and TV shows at home where you actually stay physically in touch with one another. On one of these nights offer to give your partner a 15-minute massage.”

Don’t wait for desire to strike – practise creating it
“Too many couples only have sex when they feel desire,” says Snyder. “That’s fine when you’re 20. But by 50 most people are more interested in a good night’s sleep. What to do? Have sex anyway.” Nagoski agrees that pleasure matters more than desire. She says: “Create a context that allows your brain to interpret the world as a safe, fun, sexy, pleasurable place. It’s called responsive desire and it asks that your partner help you in creating good reasons for you to be turned on. While some people have a spontaneous desire style (they want sex out of the blue); others have a responsive desire style (they want sex only when something pleasurable is already happening). The rest, about half of women, experience some combination of the two.”

Embrace body confidence
“I’ve found that being in my 40s is entirely liberating. We get better as we shed the self-consciousness of youth, the desire to please, the emotional pliability. I love my body. It is the map of the years I’ve lived,” says Roeber. Nagoski questions wider sex-negative culture. “If you’ve learned to associate sexual arousal with stress, shame, disgust and guilt, you won’t have as good a sex life as someone who associates it with pleasure, confidence, joy and satisfaction,” she says. “Begin to recognise when your learned disgust response is interfering with your sexual pleasure. Your genitals and your partners’, your genital fluids and your partners’, your skin and sweat, and the fragrances of your body – these are all healthy elements of human sexual experience.”

Manage the menopause
Hormonal changes during the menopause and perimenopause can trigger a host of symptoms (low libido, fatigue, low mood, vaginal inflammation or dryness) that do not make a recipe for romance, according to Dr Louise Newson, GP, menopause specialist and founder of the Balance app. “If you notice any of these changes, see a healthcare professional for a proper diagnosis and to discuss treatment options.” Don’t assume these issues will only start in your late 40s, either. “Though the average age of menopause is 51, one in 100 women will go through menopause before the age of 40. Even if you have an ‘average’ menopause, the perimenopause often starts in your early 40s.”

Have a sex date
“Set a date to meet naked in bed to do absolutely nothing at all,” advises Snyder. “Talk, if you like, but this isn’t the time for deep conversation. Instead, focus on experiencing what’s going on in your body at that moment. Time is an endless string of such moments. Pay attention to a few of them. That’s often the best preparation for good lovemaking afterwards.”

Learn how to reconnect
“It can be hard to connect to someone intimately if you don’t feel connected to them emotionally. Launching into ‘You don’t make me come any more’ or ‘You never want sex and I feel rejected’ will put your partner on the defence,” says Ammanda Major, head of service quality and clinical practice at Relate. “Saying, ‘I’ve noticed we seem to have drifted a bit on this and I’m really hoping we might talk about it’ is gentler. You’re not making assumptions about what your partner might be feeling, but you are showing that you’re interested in what they have to say about it. Once you’ve got those things in place, you can have a conversation about how to deal with it.”

You’re never too old to experiment
“We have one body, but it can experience so many different forms of pleasure, especially when we open our minds. The more we accept the lie that our lives are over at 40, the more we are just cutting ourselves off from possibility,” says Lutkin. Newson agrees: “Your 50s and 60s can be a time of sexual liberation when your children may have flown the nest or you may be back on the dating scene after the end of a relationship. Many of my patients tell me that HRT and testosterone have given them a new lease of life. Make sure you are using lubricants [see below] and toys that are safe. These can ease discomfort and make sex more enjoyable, but many brands of lubricant contain irritants like glycerine and parabens, and should be avoided.”

Age 55-65

Focusing on sex drive is a wrong turn
So often we use the catch-all phrase “sex drive” to describe our enthusiasm for, or lack of interest in, sexual activity. In reality the process is more complicated than whether you’re feeling in the mood or not. “Your brain has a sexual ‘accelerator’ that responds to ‘sex-related’ stimulation: anything your brain has learned to associate with sexual arousal,” says Nagoski. “It also has sexual ‘brakes’ that respond to anything your brain interprets as a reason not to be turned on. Constantly monitoring for footsteps in the hallway? Have sex when no one else is home. Tired? Have a nap. Icked out by grit on the sheets? Change them. Cold feet? Put on socks. Sometimes it really is this simple.”

Follow the recipe for romance
While everyone’s particular sexual preferences may differ, studies suggest there are some commonalities among couples who claim to have great sex lives. “From the largest study ever done on what makes for great sex, the Normal Bar study, as well as our own studies, there are a baker’s dozen suggestions that set apart people who say they have a great sex life from people who complain that their sex life is awful,” says Gottman. “Things that work include kissing passionately, giving each other surprise romantic gifts, talking comfortably about their sex life and having weekly romantic dates.”

Manage dryness
“One symptom affecting a healthy sex life that should be on every woman’s radar is vaginal dryness,” says Newson. “You might also experience soreness, itching, irritation, painful sex, vulval changes and UTIs. It can be hugely distressing – I’ve treated women who have been in so much discomfort they can’t put on a pair of trousers or even sit down, let alone have intercourse. But it can be managed by using vaginal oestrogen or HRT and avoiding tight-fitting clothing. You should also avoid perfumed soaps and shower gels or intimate-hygiene washes.”

Find out what you like as a couple and make it happen
Monogamy is sometimes framed as the death knell of erotic connection, but, says Nagoski, this is a red herring. “Passion doesn’t happen automatically in a long-term, monogamous relationship. But it does happen if the couple takes deliberate control of the context,” she says. So find out what is pleasurable for you as a couple and spend time creating the context that leads to it. Often, but not always, we fall into one of two categories – those who need space from a partner in order to create spontaneous desire and those for whom great sex tends to happen when it’s preceded by affection and intimacy.

Don’t take things for granted
People often get stuck in familiar routines in the bedroom but, whether you’re with a long-term partner or starting a new relationship, it’s important to check in now and then and ask whether your usual approach is working. “If something doesn’t feel quite right, it’s important to be able to talk about it honestly and caringly,” says Major.

Age 65-plus

Don’t rush things
“If you’ve been in a partnership for many years that has now ended, you may want to get out there and meet people,” says Major. “But if something doesn’t feel right, it isn’t. Whether you’re 18 or 58, having sex is something to do when you feel confident that there is a degree of trust. New partners may have different expectations from you and different experiences. That’s potentially two very different sets of boundaries.”

Make the wellness connection
Older generations sometimes see sex as a taboo subject. If that’s the case for you, try reframing sexual wellbeing as one component of your wider physical and mental wellbeing. Whether you’re eager to discover positions that are easier on arthritic joints or prefer the closeness of a cuddle, maintaining intimacy can significantly boost overall wellness. Conversely, good health habits can improve our sexual wellbeing, particularly as the effects of ageing start to kick in. “Not drinking too much, eating sensibly and exercising regularly can all have a beneficial impact on our sex lives,” says Major.

Seek medical help when needed
Many older couples say erectile dysfunction medications make sex less anxiety-provoking, says Snyder, just as a lubricant can help some women. “Sex and worrying don’t go well together. As a sex therapist, I’m always happy when a couple has one less thing to worry about.” Major agrees: “Issues like erectile capacity and vaginal dryness need not rule out a satisfying sexual connection. But seeking medical help where needed is important – lumps, bumps, weird bleeding and poor erectile capacity can be symptomatic of health issues. And with the number of STIs in the over-65s having significantly increased as people move out of long-term relationships and start new ones, it’s important to get checked out.”

Strive for connection
“Being able to share intimacy with a partner, as opposed to just wanting intimacy for yourself, is vital,” says Major. “Your level of energy or physical connection might be quite constrained, but it’s very possible through gentle touch, words or kindness to maintain that core intimacy. For some couples, the physicality of sex becomes unimportant in later life, but what they have is a deep emotional connection – an ability to talk honestly and openly and caringly with one another.”

Welcome your sexuality
“The most important thing you can do to have a great sex life is to welcome your sexuality as it is, right now,” says Nagoski, “even if it’s not what you wanted or expected it to be.”

Complete Article HERE!

What Is Sexual Repression?

— Do I Have It?

Human sexuality is a combination of cultural, psychological, and biological factors. It is a way of expressing emotions and feeling connected through physical affection and pleasure. Family, society, and culture influence our perceptions and attitudes toward sex and sexuality. Sexual repression happens when someone avoids expressing their sexual feelings, thoughts, and desires.

By

  • Everyone has different comfort levels and personal boundaries regarding sex and sexuality.
  • Sexual repression may stem from religious, cultural, or societal stereotypes and expectations.
  • Discussing sexual repression may be embarrassing, but without treatment, it can negatively impact your physical, emotional, and mental health.
  • Effective communication with an intimate partner can help you cope while strengthening the relationship.

In this article, you’ll learn about sexual repression if it’s something you might have, and how to work through it.

What is sexual repression?

Sexual repression is one way your mind copes with difficult or painful ideas about sex and sexuality. It is a defense mechanism that causes you to push undesirable feelings, thoughts or desires out of your conscious thinking.

You might be experiencing sexual repression for a variety of reasons, including:

  • Family dynamics. Growing up in a household where it was unacceptable to discuss the topic of sex might have instilled a sense of shame when talking about or participating in sexual activities.
  • Cultural norms and religious beliefs. Culture and religion often have significant roles in how you view sex and sexuality. Growing up with very restrictive attitudes toward sex, being told that sex outside of marriage or sex for pleasure was shameful or amoral, you might have negative associations with sex and sexuality.
  • Gender stereotypes. Traditional societal beliefs about masculinity and femininity may affect your outlook on sex and sexuality. The stereotypes that men must be dominant, aggressive, and sexual while women need to be submissive, emotional, and passive can adversely affect your views of sex and sexuality.
  • Sexual orientation. Individuals who struggle with their sexual identity or orientation may experience feelings of guilt, shame, and discomfort around their sexuality. Fear of judgment, stigma, and prejudice may negatively impact your feelings toward sex and sexuality.
  • Prior trauma or abuse. A history of sexual abuse or trauma can significantly impact your capacity for creating intimate relationships. Sexual intimacy may trigger anxiety, fear, or flashbacks of a previous assault.

Sexual repression symptoms

Symptoms of sexual repression are similar in men and women. You may experience the following:

  • Thoughts of shame and embarrassment around sex and sexuality.
  • Lack of desire or lack of ability to participate in sexual activities.
  • Fear and anxiety related to sex and sexuality.

Risks associated with sexual repression

If untreated, sexual repression may cause:

  • Low self-esteem
  • Negative self-image
  • Sexual frustration
  • Emotional withdrawal
  • Difficulty establishing or maintaining intimate relationships

How to cope with sexual repression

Sexuality is very individualized. You may feel pressure from your partner, friends, or the media about what “normal” sexuality is. Each individual has their own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs about what is pleasurable and acceptable.

  • Honesty. Be open and honest with your partner about your emotions. It is easier for your partner to support you when they know what you think and feel. Communication is vital to a healthy relationship.
  • Respect. Try not to pressure yourself to meet your partner’s expectations. Both partners should feel comfortable, respected, and safe in a healthy relationship.
  • Rule out physical issues. It is best to consult your healthcare provider to rule out any physical issues that might be mistaken for sexual repression affecting your libido or sexual desire.
  • Find a sex therapist. Some professionals specialize in treating individuals and couples with sex and sexuality. A sex therapist is a licensed mental health professional that uses psychotherapy to help work through mental and emotional issues related to sex and sexuality. Some therapists specialize in treating individuals with LBGTQ+ issues. With the increased prevalence of telemedicine, it is more convenient to connect with a qualified sex therapist who can help.

How to help your loved one

Sexual repression is a sensitive topic, and your partner may struggle with self-doubt, self-blame, and negativity. The needs and desires of both partners should be equally met. Working together, you can provide a safe space to support your loved one.

  • Be patient. It may take time to work through these issues. Each individual copes and works through things at their own pace.
  • Listen to your partner’s needs. Ask questions and let your partner know what you can do to help.
  • Support. Offer non-judgemental support and reassurance of your love. Your loved one may be experiencing feelings of isolation and self-blame.
  • Be aware of triggers. If your partner has a history of sexual trauma, respect your loved one’s boundaries and be aware of potential triggers.
  • Open communication. Talk to your partner about other ways of expressing intimacy that will be comfortable for both partners.

Confronting sexual repression can be challenging, but with the support of a loving and compassionate partner, it can be easier to overcome sexual repression. Trust, respect, honesty, and open communication are essential for working through challenges and building a solid and healthy relationship.

Complete Article HERE!

What Is Gender-Affirming Care?

By Mira Miller

  • Gender-affirming generally refers to the medical, psychological, and social support provided to individuals who are transgender, non-binary, or gender expansive. to help align their gender identity with their outward appearance and improve their overall well-being.
  • This type of care can include socially transitioning by changing one’s name, pronouns or way of presenting; puberty blockers; gender-affirming hormone therapy; and gender-affirming surgeries.
  • At least 30 states have introduced or are considering laws that restrict access to gender-affirming care.

Gender-affirming care has been the subject of much debate in legislatures around the country in recent months, leading to countless misconceptions and myths about what it actually entails and who it’s for.< According to a report from The Williams Institute, 30 states had introduced or were considering laws to restrict access to gender-affirming care as of March 2023. The result is 146,300 transgender youth who have lost or are at risk of losing access to gender-affirming care. Several bans proposed in 2023 would also limit access to care for those up to age 26.

While misinformation on the subject abounds, it’s important to get the facts straight: Gender-affirming care is considered safe, effective, and medically necessary by the American Medical Association, the American Academy of Pediatrics, and the Endocrine Society.

“Gender-affirming care is considered life-saving,” said Rebecca Minor, MSW, LICSW, a gender specialist and therapist who provides gender-affirming care. “It plays a crucial role in improving the mental health, well-being, and overall quality of life for transgender, non-binary, and gender diverse individuals.”

What Does Gender-Affirming Care Involve?

Gender-affirming care refers to medical, psychological, and social support provided to individuals who are transgender, non-binary, or gender expansive, Minor explained. The goal of gender-affirming care is to assist individuals in aligning their sense of self with their outward appearance and to improve their overall well-being.

“Gender-affirming care means different things for different people,” Uri Belkind, MD, a pediatric medicine specialist who works in adolescent medicine at the New York-based LGBTQ+ health center Callen-Lorde, told Verywell. “It is not a specific process, but rather a collection of tools from which we can select to better fit the individual’s goals and needs.”

One aspect of gender-affirming care requires no medical intervention but instead involves transitioning socially. This may include changing one’s name and pronouns, and dressing or presenting in a way that affirms their gender identity, according to Sean Arayasirikul, PhD, an associate professor in residence of health, society, and behavior at the University of California, Irvine.

Beyond socially transitioning, there are three general medical options available when it comes to gender-affirming care, Belkind said, adding that some people may want or need all of them, while some may find happiness and well-being with only some. These include puberty blockers, gender-affirming hormone therapy, and gender-affirming procedures.

Puberty blockers are for younger patients who are entering puberty and are finding the changes their bodies are going through to be distressing. To access this kind of care, these patients must have shown insistent, persistent, and consistent identification with a gender that is different than their sex assigned at birth.

“This allows us to temporarily ‘pause’ these changes while the young person, with support from their family, further explores their needs and gains a better understanding of what is possible, medically speaking, and what it entails,” Belkind said.

Gender-affirming hormone therapy, on the other hand, refers to the process of using either estrogen or testosterone to promote certain physical changes and to inhibit others, Belkind said.

Gender-affirming procedures, both surgical and non-surgical, change certain physical characteristics that may not otherwise be modified with the use of hormone therapy. Belkind said these may include chest masculinization, facial feminization, permanent hair removal or hair grafting, and genital surgeries such as vaginoplasty or phalloplasty.

“One common misconception is that gender-affirming procedures are regulated only for trans and gender expansive people and that these procedures are experimental, lacking solid medical evidence,” Arayasirikul said.

In reality, cisgender people—or people who are not trans—also choose to undergo gender-affirming procedures to affirm their identity, Arayasirikul explained. This may include a breast augmentation, a mastectomy for gynecomastia, a hair transplant, a rhinoplasty, liposuction, facial fillers, or hormone therapy.

“These procedures and so many more are part of the health care of cisgender people,” Arayasirikul said. “Yet this same care is actively being criminalized for trans and gender-expansive people solely because they are different.”

Can People of All Ages Receive Gender-Affirming Care?

In states where gender-affirming care is not criminalized, trans youth can access puberty blockers to delay the onset of puberty and cross-sex hormones to develop their bodies in ways that align with their gender identity.

“Typically, gender-affirming surgeries are utilized by adults, not children,” Arayasirikul said.

And yet, much of the uproar surrounding gender-affirming care in the U.S. has been surrounding the subject of children undergoing surgery.

According to Belkind, some patients choose to start puberty blockers once puberty begins, while other patients may only begin to seek medical advice after puberty or much later into adulthood.

“It is important to note that, for children who strongly identify with a gender identity that is different from their sex assigned at birth, there are no medical interventions needed before puberty begins and only then do we consider the use of puberty blockers, if needed,” Belkind said.

Medical interventions always happen after a thorough evaluation of the patient’s needs, Belkind added.

Why Gender-Affirming Care Is Necessary

Gender-affirming care helps to reduce gender dysphoria, which is the distress an individual may experience when their gender identity does not align with their assigned sex at birth, Minor said.< “Gender-affirming care, such as hormone therapy or gender-affirming surgeries, can help alleviate gender dysphoria by allowing individuals to align their physical appearance with their gender identity” she said. “This reduction in distress and discomfort can have a significant positive impact on mental health and overall well-being.” Trans and gender-diverse individuals often face higher rates of mental health challenges, including depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation.1 Gender-affirming care, combined with mental health support, can help reduce these risks by providing individuals with the tools, resources, and interventions needed to alleviate distress and promote a positive self-image, Minor said.

According to one recent study, providing trans and non-binary youths aged 13 to 20 years with gender-affirming care, including puberty blockers and gender-affirming hormones, lowered their risk of developing moderate or severe depression by 60% and lowered suicidality by 73% over a 12-month follow-up.2

Another study found that gender-affirming surgeries were associated with a 42% reduction in psychological distress and a 44% reduction in suicidal ideation when compared with transgender and gender-diverse people who had not had gender-affirming surgery but wanted it.3

“Gender-affirming care allows individuals to express their gender identity authentically, promoting self-acceptance and improved self-esteem,” Minor said. “By aligning their physical appearance, social interactions, and personal identity, individuals can develop a stronger sense of identity and self-worth, leading to improved mental health outcomes.”

Additionally, gender-affirming care often includes support groups, peer networks, and counseling services that provide a safe and inclusive environment for individuals to connect, share experiences, and receive emotional support, Minor said. These social support systems, she said, are critical in combating feelings of isolation and promoting healthy relationships.

This kind of care can help combat the societal discrimination, stigma, and marginalization transgender and gender-diverse individuals often face. Minor said gender-affirming care can empower individuals to assert their rights, advocate for themselves, and challenge discriminatory practices.

“By affirming their gender identity, individuals can experience improved resilience, reduced psychological distress, and increased social acceptance,” she said.

Complete Article HERE!

Sexologist Chantelle Otten on the complexities of sex in both her work and her personal life

— Let’s talk about sex.

Chantelle Otten

By Alley Pascoe

As a renowned sexologist, Chantelle Otten is privy to people’s deepest desires, fears and insecurities. Here, she’s honest about her own.

I’m in bed with Chantelle Otten and she’s taking photos of her feet. It’s not as kinky as it sounds. We’re speaking over Zoom ahead of Otten’s Body+Soul cover shoot the next morning, and she’s sending the manicurist pictures of her nails so they know what to expect.

“This is very embarrassing, my nails are really, really bleak,” she says, with endearing honesty and an easy laugh.

There’s something about Otten’s voice. It’s soothing. And welcoming. Like the cosy blanket wrapped around her dachshund Sauce, who’s snuggled beside her in bed.

Chatting from her sunlit bedroom in Melbourne, Otten speaks with a warmness. She has a way of putting you at ease, making you feel comfortable and giving you the space to speak your truth. When Otten opens her mouth, you can’t help but bare your soul in return. It’s a gift – and sometimes a burden – and it’s something she was born with.

“For my entire life, I’ve always had people confide in me. I’m the person at the party sitting in the corner listening to someone’s life story,” explains Otten, who grew up in a “quirky” family in the Melbourne suburb of Murrumbeena with two younger brothers and an older sister with an intellectual disability.

“As a kid, I was always listening in on what was happening in my parents’, siblings’, grandparents’ and friends’ lives. That gave me an awareness and understanding of different personalities, and the complex nature of individuals.”

From then, Otten, now 32, has turned her skill into a successful career as a psycho-sexologist. What exactly does that involve, you may wonder? A sexologist is someone who studies the science of sex, human behaviour and sexual health and wellbeing. Their job is to help clients with their sexual concerns, and to empower them with the knowledge and the confidence they need to lead a healthy sex life.

At Otten’s sex therapy clinic in Melbourne, nothing is off limits. It’s a safe space to talk about intimate things: sexual identity, self-esteem, performance anxiety, trauma, pleasure and pain.

“I feel grateful that people trust me enough to be vulnerable with me.”

“My clinic is a place where people can be themselves; you can swear, cry, laugh and talk about things that upset you. Or not. Whatever you want,” she says. “My clients tell me that I make them feel at ease. Apparently, I’ve got a therapeutic voice.”

Soon, you’ll be able to listen to Otten’s voice in the Audible podcast Sex Therapy: Sessions with Chantelle Otten. The series promises to “take you under the covers and into the world of sex therapy”, and that’s quite literally what it does. Each episode features an anonymous recorded therapy session with real people dealing with real issues.

There’s the married couple looking for advice on opening up their relationship; the new mum trying to regain her sexual identity; the man experiencing erectile dysfunction; and the woman who has never reached orgasm. Their stories are fascinating – heartbreaking at times, oh-so relatable at others – and truly enlightening.

“We wanted for it to feel like being a fly on the wall,” says Otten. “We’re all going to have difficulties with sex at some point in our lives – all of us – so I hope this podcast can help to normalise talking about sex. I hope the episodes resonate with people, and that they take shame out of the conversation and help to alleviate any apprehension they might have around sex therapy.”

The podcast is the latest move in Otten’s mission to increase pleasure and remove shame from the bedroom. After studying psychology and undertaking a masters in sexual health, Otten worked under Dr Ingrid Pinas in a women’s sexual health clinic in the Netherlands.

Upon returning to Melbourne from Amsterdam, she founded the Australian Institute of Sexology and Sexual Medicine in 2016, followed by her namesake clinic in 2018. In the five years since her clinic has opened, Otten has grown from being a one-woman show (and disguising her voice on the phone to pretend she had a receptionist) to having a dedicated team of 20.

“I tend to only take on patients with very specialised cases, so I am dealing with a lot of complex trauma,” she says. “That’s very rewarding for me. I don’t charge my patients; I make money from my sponsorship work. So, my client work is pro bono, which is my way of giving back.”

With Otten – and many other sex educators – leading the way, times are a-changin’. As her business has grown, Otten has seen vibrators go from being ‘dirty little secrets’ to being stocked in major department stores and promoted by influencers all over Instagram. She’s watched the sexual wellness industry grow by $16.8 billion from 2017 to now. And she’s been a part of important discussions about consent and reproductive health, with her 2021 book The Sex Ed You Never Had. But as far as we’ve come, there’s still a way to go.

In the last five years, we’ve witnessed Roe v Wade overturned in America, threatening the future of reproductive rights in the country. We’ve heard shameful stories of sexual harassment and assault within Australian politics. And we’ve learned that Instagram has been censoring sex education accounts – Otten’s included.

“Oh, I think I’ve been shadowbanned on Instagram for five years. It’s problematic that so many people are being silenced, because sex education should be accessible to everyone,” she says. “The main thing I want people to know is that sex should be fun, pleasurable and free of pain and shame. I think we need to make sex sexy again!”

That’s where Sex Therapy: Sessions with Chantelle Otten comes in. Apart from the all-important destigmatising and empowering stories, perhaps the best part of the podcast is getting to listen to Otten’s silky voice in situ.

Today Otten’s voice is raspier than usual. She’s been battling a sinus infection, she tells me, and is trying to recover from the physical fatigue of taking on people’s trauma.

“The challenges that come with this line of work are heavy. When you hear someone’s trauma, it does affect you,” she says. “I am constantly doing work on myself to make sure that I’m there for my patients.”

As well as the emotional toll there are other – more, er, unique – challenges that come with being a sexologist. Namely, people confusing sexology with sex work. Remember when Otten was starting out in her business and put on a fake voice to make out she had a receptionist? Yeah, that didn’t end well.

“I had a guy call wanting to book in a session with his wife for relationship therapy. He was talking and asking questions, and I was answering as the ‘receptionist’. Then he asked me if he could watch. ‘What?’ I asked. ‘Can I watch you and my wife having sex together,’ he said. ‘Oh, no, no, this isn’t the place for that,’ I explained. ‘Just keep talking,’ he said, and I realised that he was masturbating over the phone listening to my receptionist voice,” recalls Otten, with amusement rather than horror. “That’s when I realised I really needed to get an actual receptionist.”

Otten is quick to find the humour in her work. What’s the saying? If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry. That’s the approach Otten takes with life and work. Once again, this is a trait she’s had since childhood.

After Otten’s older sister left their primary school to attend a school that provided support for her disability, she had to find her own voice. “When my sister went to a different school, I felt left behind. I had no friends, so I had to learn how to make friends. I learned how to make people laugh, and became an extroverted introvert,” she says.

Learning how to make friends has paid off. Today, it’s Otten’s friends who keep her grounded. They’re the ones she turns to when she’s struggling with the pressures of her profession and running a 20-person business.

“My best friends are all amazing, deep thinkers. When I’m with them, I’m not the therapist, I’m their friend. I feel very lucky for the community I have around me,” she admits. That community includes Otten’s partner of four years, Dylan Alcott.

As the meet-cute story goes, Otten first laid eyes on Alcott, the champion tennis player and 2022 Australian of the Year, at the launch of his book at the North Fitzroy Library in 2019. It was love at first sight. “I still remember that moment so clearly. I remember looking at him and thinking, ‘That’s my person.’ I didn’t know anything about Dylan – or that he was famous – I just knew that he’d written a book because I was at his book signing. I realised this guy wants a big life, and I was excited to live a big, wonderful life together,” she says.

The feeling was mutual. When Otten had to slip away from the book launch without speaking to Alcott, he found her on Instagram after she posted about the event, and slid into her DMs: “Where the hell did you go?” They’ve been together ever since.

“Dylan has taught me so much about life, about having a purpose and being in a long-term relationship. When you love someone so much, you need to look at yourself and your flaws and consider what you’re bringing to the table. Dylan’s a lot of fun, and sometimes I can be a bit serious, so we’ve taught each other about balance,” says Otten. “There’s no one else out there who makes me feel so excited and passionate about life.”

Alcott, also 32, shares his partner’s passion for breaking down taboos, especially when it comes to changing the misconceptions around disabled people having – and desiring – sex. “A lot of people think that people with a disability don’t have sex, but I’m having the best sex of my life and it’s important for me to say that,” Otten told Stellar magazine in 2020.

Clearly, sex is a big part of her life. But does she ever get tired of talking about it? “Of course I get sick of talking about sex,” admits Otten. “There are times when I’ve been inundated with work and under a lot of pressure, and I’ve hated my job. I’ve had to put a lot of boundaries up.”

When people recognise Otten and come up to her on the street to tell her that they love her work, she feels grateful: “That’s beautiful.” But when people approach her and ask intimate questions or unload their personal issues, Otten takes a step back. She thanks them for wanting to open up to her and suggests they book a session through her clinic.

“There’s a time and place; I can’t give good advice when I don’t know all the details of their situation or medical and sexual history. It’s very complex,” she says. “I was once recognised by a girl on the dance floor at a club in Amsterdam at 3am, and I ran off into the darkness.”

Otten can be blunt. “I’m Dutch,” she explains. “I can be direct, but that’s how I speak, and sometimes I have to be that way. I don’t mind if people don’t like me because I hold boundaries with them. That’s more on them than it is on me.” When Otten speaks about boundaries, her voice is steady and unwavering.

There’s a knowing beneath her words. It’s the voice of someone who’s heard, seen and done some sh*t – and lived to tell the tale. The thing that keeps Otten going through it all is her innate curiosity.

“The best piece of advice I was ever given was to remain curious. My mum gave it to me and I’ve held onto it. People are so complex and I’m forever curious about them,” she says. “They have such amazing private lives – you have no idea about – and they come to share it with me. How lucky am I that I get to hear people’s secrets, and hold those secrets? It’s unbelievable.”

How to have better sex

Four surprisingly simple Chantelle Otten-approved ways to improve your intimacy.

Keep learning

“I want people to remain open to learning more about their sex lives and their partner. We often make the mistake of assuming we know everything about our partner, but there’s so much that goes on behind our outer shells. That mystery is a beautiful thing.”

Get playful

“Toys can add spice to your sexual experience, making it more pleasurable and adding variety for both you and your partner. I like to think of toys like salt and pepper – they might not be needed, but they make everything better.”

Book it in

“OK, this one might seem a little bit naff, but scheduling sex once a week has been shown to increase sexual satisfaction. Even if it’s the same sexual menu every time, it still improves satisfaction. Our sex lives are something we need to work at.”

Talk it out

“When you’re stuck in a sexual rut – and we all get stuck sometimes – don’t be shy to talk about it with someone who can help. That’s what sexologists are here for, to provide a different perspective and give advice on getting more pleasure.”

Complete Article HERE!

A Female Porn Director Shares Her Best Sex Tips

— Anna Richards is the founder of ethical porn platform FrolicMe, which portrays sex in a positive, female-focused light. Believing we’re all capable of having great sex, she says the secret is losing your inhibitions and getting comfortable with what turns you on. From the importance of switching up your stimuli to why dropping expectations in the bedroom can be liberating, here are her tips…

By Tor West

Enjoy It

“Sex is supposed to be fun, and feel good, but in a long-term relationship it can be easy to forget who we are having sex for. This means we don’t stop to look at what sort of sex we enjoy. Remember, we aren’t having sex for anyone else. Too often, we are overly focused on the man’s experience, convinced we need to affirm to him that we are ‘good in bed’ by bringing him to orgasm. However, for sex to be great, we need to have sex for ourselves. Plus, there’s no more of a turn-on for a man than being in the presence of a woman losing herself to her own pleasure.”

Keep The Brain Stimulated

“The brain is our biggest sexual organ, and it needs stimulating to have great sex. In a long-term relationship, it can be easy to slip into maintenance sex to get the job done, but to keep it fresh, you need to change the dynamic. Taking sex out of the bedroom is a good start or try having sex at a different time of the day, like before dinner, so you can relish in the afterglow together earlier in the evening. It’s okay to need to work at reviving your libido as it can be a struggle to put yourself in the mood. Turning to sex-positive ethical erotica sites like FrolicMe or engaging in erotic stories is a great way to stimulate your desire by liberating your erotic imagination.”

Create Your Own Pleasure

“Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you can’t revel in the sexual highs and pleasures of sex. Being single is a great time to explore your own body and learn what it is you enjoy and desire. By exploring your own body through solo masturbation, you will learn so much more about what turns you on for when you are in a partnered relationship. We don’t always know what we like until we give it a try. Get involved with a clitoral stimulator – the choice has never been better, and they can help you reach orgasm. Watch masturbation erotica and learn new techniques – you can even film yourself talking to your phone as you enjoy some solo time. Explain how you feel and what’s turning you on as your body responds to your touch. If you’re in a relationship, you can even send it to your partner – it can feel mind-blowing to know you are thinking of them as you pleasure yourself, as well as being watched.”

If you’re confident in bed KNOWING WHAT YOU WANT, that’s a HUGE TURN-ON for your partner.

Talk About It

“Sex is about pleasure and connection with yourself and your partner. It’s important to communicate and be open with your partner about what you enjoy and what you want. Help each other achieve this desired satisfaction – if it’s reaching an orgasm, talk about what would help and how you can achieve it together. Perhaps you need to incorporate some toys and accessories into your play to help with more sexual stimulus. Take time to explore what you enjoy and let your lover know. If you’re confident in bed knowing what you want, that’s a huge turn-on for your partner.”

Experiment With Joint Masturbation

“It’s a very sexy way to quickly understand and learn how and where your partner stimulates themselves, and what it is they enjoy to reach climax. You can then apply these techniques during partner play in the knowledge of how much it turns them on. Plus, it increases the excitement to know you’re being watched. It can feel great to let your partner hold a toy on you as you masturbate. You can tell and guide them to what you like and where you like it.”

Listen To Audio Porn

“Explore stimulating and arousing your mind by tapping into audio porn, which will fuel your mind with erotic thoughts – you’ll be surprised at how quickly you will feel aroused. Audio porn allows the listener to feel part of a shared fantasy, setting the scene as you may wish to imagine it, creating your personal erotic porn of choice to stimulate pleasure.”

Get Spooning

“Spooning is a classic and simple sex position that’s great for when you’re feeling lazy but crave intimacy. The partner behind you can penetrate you deeply while reaching around and holding you in their arms or touching your genitals and nipples. It’s a great position for new parents who may barely have the energy to move at the end of the day but still want to feel intimate. To level up, try going side by side, which is like spooning. Both lie on your sides but facing each other – the partner being penetrated will wrap their legs above the other partner’s legs to create room for them both and allow deeper penetration. This can feel intimate as you can look into each other’s eyes.”

Penetrative sex SHOULDN’T ALWAYS BE THE FOCUS – sex is about pleasure, which can take many forms.

Go Slow

“If you struggle to have an orgasm during sex, you’re not alone. Don’t forget that less than 25% of women are capable of achieving orgasm through penetration alone and, as clitoris owners, we rely on additional sensations to help us achieve climax. Take the foot off the expectation pedal when it comes to climax, too, as the expectation of an orgasm can put pressure on and hinder your chances. Don’t forget that your partner could be the one to blame – not you. Perhaps they aren’t stimulating you in the right way. Remember you are responsible for your own orgasm, so communication on what you enjoy is important. Take it slow, play and arouse your body, and know that orgasms aren’t based on the clock. Taking your time doesn’t mean you’ve missed your chance. Being more mindful of the moment and letting your mind loose can be a great turn-on.”

Be Intimate

“Don’t think sex is all about penetration. Penetrative sex shouldn’t always be the focus – sex is all about pleasure, which can take many forms. Be creative and look at how you can be intimate with each other. Sex accessories can turn up the dynamic when it comes to sexy fun – blindfolds are good for kinky play while a bullet vibrator can help you achieve incredible orgasms. We still have expectations of sex where penetration is seen as the end of the game with a male ejaculating, and this needs to change. Bodies, pleasure and sexuality need to be equally discussed and normalised.”

Give Erotica A Chance

“Porn gives us the opportunity to expand our ideas, experiment and fantasise, and can inspire us to new forms of play. The problem is, mainstream porn is made for men. Woman-made and woman-centred ethical sites like FrolicMe can be a good place to start, allowing you to feel comfortable and safe. However, make sure you are not rushing into watching porn together until you are able to communicate your sexual needs. Certainly, you can’t get to watching threesomes and consensual BDSM if you are struggling to convey what turns you on. Be clear why you are wanting to share watching some porn with your partner and how you feel it might help with your own adventures. This will also help guide you to what sort of erotic films you should be viewing. Don’t try to be too ambitious in your viewing and build up your preferences through experience. Chat about what turns you on and what you would like to see but also what you wouldn’t.”

Don’t Overthink It

“Sometimes we feel sex is a much bigger issue than it really is. Sex is a part of our life, not our whole life. Rather than thinking of sex, think of it as pleasure and explore what you enjoy and what gets you off. This will help to remove the noise around sex and enable you to focus on yourself, exploring your body and revelling in the euphoria it can offer you. You don’t need someone else to help you evolve sexually – you can work on your own sexual evolution, so that when you have a partner, you can teach them exactly how to please you.”

Visit FrolicMe.com

Complete Article HERE!