Does Birth Control Affect Your Sex Drive?

Here’s What You Should Know

by Crystal Raypole

Considering a new method of birth control? You’ve probably also spared a few thoughts (worries, even) for all those potential side effects you’ve heard about, such as decreased libido.

It’s true that nearly every birth control method could cause some type of side effect. Yet for many people, side effects are relatively minor and worth the benefits of:

Any type of birth control might affect libido, though the specific effects you experience can vary depending on the method you choose.

Condoms might factor into vaginal irritation and other discomfort, while spermicide products could cause itching and other irritation.

Hormonal birth control is incredibly effective at preventing pregnancy, but it can also contribute to some unwanted side effects, including decreased libido.

You might generally agree that the benefits of birth control — namely, preventing pregnancy — outweigh a potential decrease in libido. All the same, a noticeable change in sexual desire may not necessarily be, well, desirable.

When it comes to sexuality, your libido is only one part to consider. Physical arousal, the ability to orgasm, and any pain or irritation you experience during sex can all affect your interest in sexual activity.

You could have a high libido, but find it difficult to feel aroused. (Yep, they’re two different things.) Perhaps you don’t have any trouble getting in the mood or experiencing arousal, but you often experience pain during sex. Maybe you have trouble climaxing easily, if at all.

Birth control, especially hormonal varieties, might factor into some of these issues. But — and this is an important “but” to consider — not everyone experiences a decrease in libido when using birth control. Some people, in fact, notice an increased libido.

A few possible explanations for why you may experience a heightened libido:

  • It’s understandable to feel less interested in sex if you’re worried about getting pregnant. Birth control can help relieve those fears, which might then increase your desire for sex.
  • Choosing a method of birth control you don’t have to use right before sex can make it easier to stay in the moment with your partner(s). This can make it easier to fully enjoy yourself without any distractions or worries about finding the right moment to hit pause.
  • If you use hormonal birth control to help ease symptoms of health conditions like polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) or endometriosis, you could also notice a higher libido as your symptoms improve.

A 2013 reviewTrusted Source considered findings from 36 different studies on sexual desire in people using combined oral contraceptives, which are birth control pills that contain both estrogen and progestin.

Among the 8,422 participants who took oral contraceptives, 15 percent, or 1,238 people in total, did report a decrease in libido. But another 1,826 people (just over 21 percent) said their libido increased. The majority of participants reported no change in libido.

Authors of a 2016 reviewTrusted Source considered findings from 103 studies exploring the possible effects of contraceptives on sexuality. They found evidence to support the following positive outcomes:

  • The hormonal IUD may lead to less pain during sex and increased libido after a year of use.
  • Both hormonal and nonhormonal (copper) IUDs may increase libido, physical arousal, satisfaction with sex, and frequency of sexual activity.
  • The vaginal ring has been linked to increased libido, arousal, and sexual satisfaction, along with vaginal lubrication and improved orgasm.
  • The implant may boost arousal, sexual satisfaction, and the ability to achieve orgasm while helping reduce pain during sex and anxiety around sex.
  • Internal condoms can promote greater sexual comfort since they offer improved lubrication, can be placed ahead of time, are less likely to break, and can improve sensation during sex.

Hormonal contraceptives work by releasing pregnancy-preventing hormones into your body. For some people, these hormones might cause various physical and sexual side effects, including:

Any of these side effects can leave you less interested in having sex.

Example

Let’s say you and your partner(s) are cuddling on the sofa. They’re doing that thing you really like with their tongue on your neck, and you think “Yeah, sex might be nice.”

Still, you aren’t all that turned on, and your body isn’t shouting “Yes, now would be good!” like it sometimes does.

Or maybe you started taking the pill to help lighten up painful periods, but over the past several weeks, you’ve started feeling a little low.

In the past, you’ve always aimed to have sex at least once a week, but lately you’ve felt so tired and drained that you haven’t reached out to your partner(s) for nearly a month.

Some experts have theorizedTrusted Source changes in libido may happen because hormonal birth control reduces testosterone in your bodyTrusted Source. But researchers have yet to find conclusive support for this idea.

Many people using contraceptives have lower testosterone levels than those not using contraceptives without experiencing any changes in libido.

To sum up: Researchers haven’t come to any conclusions about how hormonal birth control might directly affect libido. Yet it’s pretty clear that many people do experience some changes.

Complete Article HERE!

Low Sex Drive?

6 Simple Home Remedies to Consider

By Grace Murphy

If your sex life has gotten boring or you are not getting as much action in the bedroom as you and your partner might like these days, the good news is that there are several things that you can do in your everyday life to improve your libido and make sex with your partner more enjoyable. The libido is just another name for your sex drive or sexual desire, and there are various different internal and external factors that can impact it, from your hormone levels to the amount of sleep you are getting, the type of foods that you eat, and the activities that you and your partner take part in together. If you want to enjoy a better sex life, here are some natural remedies that are worth considering.

Try Adult Chat and Videos

You could potentially look into adult chat sites to spice things up with your partner and have some fun trying something new together. Babestation Cams offer adult chat that you can enjoy together with sex cam live options that are sure to help you get in the mood. Sometimes, bringing pornography into your relationship can be a fun way to spice it up and perhaps even get some ideas for what you might want to try together in the bedroom. Check out Babestation Cams to get started talking to professional sex workers who would be happy to help you kick-start your new sex life.

Eat Certain Foods

If your sexual desire is quite low lately, it could be due to the food that you are eating. Although there is not a lot of evidence supporting the idea that certain foods will be good for your sex drive, there’s definitely no harm in giving it a try. Avocado, bananas and figs are considered to be fruits that will help boost your libido, or if you have a sweet tooth, eating chocolate could help since it’s widely considered to be an aphrodisiac. Chocolate releases serotonin and phenethylamine into your body, which can lift your mood and, in some cases, help your sex drive.

Improve Your Self-Confidence

How you feel about yourself can have a huge impact on your sex drive and your ability to enjoy sex with your partner. By taking some steps to improve your self-confidence and self-image, you can also improve your sex life as a result. Shifting your focus from your perceived flaws to the things that you like the most about yourself can help, along with improving your lifestyle in ways that might help you view yourself in a more favourable manner like working out more often or getting a new hairstyle that you love.

Relieve Stress

When you are feeling stressed and anxious, there’s nothing worse for killing your sex drive. And the worst part is that sex can be a good way to relieve stress, but you don’t have any desire for it, creating a vicious cycle. No matter how physically healthy you are, being under a lot of stress can impact your sex drive, particularly for women. There are several things that you can do to relieve stress in your life including meditation, exercising, yoga, and deep breathing exercises.

Communicate Well

The health of your relationship is always going to have an impact on your sex drive and your sex life. If you are in conflict with your partner, chances are that having sex is not going to be the first thing on your mind. This is particularly true for women, who will often experience a higher sex drive when they feel emotionally close and intimate with their partner. Unresolved conflicts can affect the sex life of both men and women, which is why communicating well and resolving issues quickly is essential not only for a healthy relationship, but a healthy sex life. Couples therapy can help if you are struggling with this.

Get Enough Sleep

Last but not least, making sure that you are getting enough sleep at night is not only essential for your general physical and mental health, but also your sexual health and your sex life. When you are feeling tired and exhausted from not getting enough sleep, you probably won’t have much energy for having sex. Being busy can often make it difficult to get enough sleep, and in turn, make it difficult to get intimate with your partner. Boost your energy by going to sleep earlier and taking naps whenever you can. Changing up your diet to increase protein and complex carbohydrates can also help. If you are often too tired for sex at night, consider getting intimate with your partner in the mornings instead, when you have more energy.

A low sex drive can be frustrating for both you and your partner and ultimately have an impact on your relationship. Try these natural ways to boost your libido and enjoy a better sex life.

10 reasons why women may have a low sex drive

and what to do about it

By

  • Some causes of a low sex drive in women include taking medicines like birth control or SSRIs. 
  • Stress and not sleeping enough could also cause lowered libido.
  • Medical conditions like diabetes or heart disease may also cause a lower sex drive.

There’s no “normal” amount of sex drive. The right amount is whatever feels right for you. Yet, many women feel like their sex drive is too low.

One 2008 study found that — among a poll of over 30,000 US women — 15% of women ages 45 to 64 and 11% under 44 reported significant issues with low sex drive.

There are many reasons your sex drive can take a dip, including stress, medications, your period, or relationship issues. Here are 10 of the most common reasons you may have a hard time feeling sexual.

1. Shifts in hormones during your menstrual cycle

Your levels of sex hormones like estrogen, testosterone, and progesterone change throughout your menstrual cycle, which can affect your sex drive, says Kate Thomas, PhD, the director of clinical services at The Johns Hopkins Sex and Gender Clinic.

“We know that progesterone can have a negative impact on sexuality; the role of estrogen is less understood,” Thomas says.

You may notice that your sex drive is higher around the middle of your cycle, while you’re ovulating, but it may dip lower at other times, like during your period. This is partly because progesterone levels rise once you’re done ovulating, as your body gets ready to menstruate.

However, “increases and decreases in sexual drive appear to be quite individual,” Thomas says.

2. Hormonal birth control

Hormonal birth control methods like the pill, vaginal rings, and hormonal IUDs are linked with lower sex drive in women, Thomas says.

This is because hormonal birth control lowers your testosterone levels, which leads to a lower sex drive. Having less testosterone in your body can also make your vulva and clitoris feel less sensitive, which may make sex less appealing.

A 2013 review found that 15% of women taking birth control pills reported that their sex drive had decreased since starting the pill. 

If you have sexual issues while using birth control, talk to your gynecologist about non-hormonal options like the copper IUD.

3. Antidepressants

Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are a type of antidepressant medication that can lower your sex drive. Some common SSRIs are sertraline (Zoloft) and escitalopram (Lexapro).

SSRIs work by raising serotonin levels in the brain, which can help boost your mood. But higher serotonin levels can also make you feel less interested in sex, Thomas says.

“Many women report lowered sexual drive when on SSRIs, but the most commonly reported side effect is difficulty reaching orgasm,” says Thomas. This is important because if you can’t orgasm, you may feel less interested in having sex.

If you’re having these symptoms, you may want to talk to your doctor about changing your dose or trying a different medication.

4. Diabetes

Having diabetes can reduce your sex drive, particularly if your blood sugar levels aren’t stable. When your diabetes isn’t well controlled, you’re more likely to have nerve damage and issues with blood circulation, which could affect sex drive.  

Diabetes affects the small blood vessels and nerves that feed and innervate the genital region,” Thomas says. “Thus, people who have the disease can experience a lack of sensation and feeling.”

Working with your doctor to get your diabetes under control may help bring back your sex drive and make it easier for you to feel aroused.

5. Not sleeping enough

Missing out on sleep can throw off your nervous system, which controls most of your bodily functions, including your sex drive. “Anything that disrupts the fine-tuning of this system, like lack of sleep, will negatively impact sexuality,” Thomas says.

To deal with the stress from lack of sleep, your body produces more of a stress hormone called cortisol, while decreasing your levels of sex hormones like estrogen and testosterone, Thomas says. When these hormones take a dip, your sexual desire will too.

Not getting enough sleep can also make you feel irritable and fatigued, Thomas says, which can make it harder to get in the mood. Sleeping the recommended 7-9 hours a night can help rebalance your hormones, mood, and sex drive.

6. Depression

“Depression is a prime reason for not wanting to be sexual or not being able to focus when one is sexually engaged,” Thomas says.

This is because depression can cause serious symptoms like intense sadness and affect how your body functions. “These emotions can impact sleep, lead to fatigue, lack of motivation and decreased self-esteem, all things that lead away from a hearty sexual appetite,” Thomas says.

Getting treatment for depression using therapy or medication may help your energy and sex drive return.

7. Stress

When you’re feeling stressed out, your sex drive can take a hit. Women who find themselves stressed from job demands, children, and family responsibilities have little energy left over to focus on sex,” Thomas says.

Over time, stress can also raise your levels of cortisol and lower testosterone and estrogen, making it harder for you to get aroused.

Cutting down on stressful activities, exercising, and practicing relaxation techniques like deep breathing can help lower your stress levels.

8. Low self-esteem

If you feel bad about yourself, it can be hard to get in the mood for sex. This is especially true if you don’t like the way your body looks – you may be less likely to ask for sex or to feel comfortable getting intimate.

Your interest in being sexual often changes based on how you see yourself, Thomas says, including how attractive you feel, your body image, and your overall self-esteem, Thomas says.

Seeing a therapist or practicing gratitude may be a good first step to work on raising your self-esteem.

9. Heart disease

Heart disease decreases the blood flow throughout your body, including to your vagina and vulva. “Since blood flow to the genitals is what defines arousal, decreases most definitely have some impact,” Thomas says.

Cardiovascular symptoms such as fatigue, shortness of breath and chest pain also play a role,” by making sex more exhausting and difficult, Thomas says. Working with your doctor to regulate heart disease symptoms may be a good option to give your sex drive a boost.

10. Relationship problems

“One of the most common things we hear from women is how much issues in their relationship relate to their decreased interest in sex,” Thomas says.

Conflicts, mistrust, and stress can push you and your partner further apart, making it harder to feel intimate. “In order to feel sexually drawn to our partners we must like them first,” Thomas says.

Going to couples therapy may be a good option if you’re facing issues in your relationship. “Often these aspects of the relationship need to be addressed in order to even begin healing sexually,” Thomas says.

Complete Article HERE!

Do Women Really Become Less Interested In Sex Over Time?

Debunking The Myths

by Deborah J. Fox, MSW

A couple in their 30s, married for 10 years, sit across from each other in my office with tension and despair written on their faces. When I hear their story of sexual disconnection, it sounds all too familiar. Ben’s story is one of frustration that they only occasionally have sex. Sara’s story is also one of frustration because she’s at a loss as to how to fix this between them. They both agree that when they do engage in sex, the encounter itself goes well enough. Yet that doesn’t lead to another roll in the hay for quite some time.

Another familiar scene is the group of men meeting for happy hour, bemoaning their lot as married men who’ve accepted the “fact” that women lose interest in sex after they’ve been married for a few years.

Anecdotes abound, yet the mainstream understanding of why sex in long-term relationships diminishes suffers from an astounding lack of information about female sexuality—and it doesn’t have to be this way.

Yes, some women do say, “I don’t care if I ever have sex again as long as I live.” I think the truth is more likely, “I don’t care if I ever have the kind of sex, or the circumstances under which I’m having sex, again.”

In sexuality, knowledge is truly powerful. So let’s unpack the real sources of all this distress.

The power of negative messages.

First of all, we need to name the thing many people don’t want to name: The negative messages that girls are bombarded with since they found out they were girls have created enormous barriers to feeling sexually comfortable. Even today, there is still a staggering number of “Good girls don’t _____” messages, all designed to modulate what might come naturally:

Have you ever heard a cliché of “Girls will be girls” the way you hear “Boys will be boys?” Never. Yet the truth is, all people are products of their culture. Even women who feel like they know better than to buy into these negative messages they heard growing up can still nonetheless be affected by them.

The good news is, the lingering impact of negative messages can be softened. The first step is to identify the messages you got as a child from your parents and peers, including social media. How did those messages affect how you feel about sex? About your body? The next step is to reflect on how these messages might still be affecting you and find a way to minimize their continuing influence. That can look like talking to your partner or friend about these experiences, reading books on female sexuality, or seeking the help of a therapist.

Additionally, so many women have been exposed to inappropriate sexual comments and touch, sexual abuse, and sexual assault. The impact of these experiences is enormous and long-lasting, usually interfering with the ability to enjoy sex. There are effective strategies to release trauma’s hold on you (the best first step here would be to see a therapist), but this context cannot be ignored in any conversation about the idea that “Women just aren’t interested in sex.”

Likewise, a crucial misunderstanding when it comes to female sexuality—and a major source of sexual frustration in couples—is the idea that sexual desire just pops up for everyone in the same way. When it doesn’t happen this way in a relationship, there’s usually a lot of confusion and blame.

There are actually two basic types of sexual desire: spontaneous and responsive. We’re very familiar with the spontaneous type. You know, those who walk down the street on an average day regularly struck with a desire for sex. They seem to be up for sex most anytime. Sexuality researcher Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., tells us that about 75% of men are members of this group but only about 15% of women.

Because women often aren’t exposed to what is more typical of female sexual desire, they often end up saying, “What’s wrong with me?” or falsely concluding, “I’m just not a sexual person.”

Many women have what’s known as responsive sexual desire. For people with this type of desire, the context of the moment is critical to your openness to the idea of sex. If you’re tired, preoccupied with a work project or a troubled family member, stressed, or feeling blah, interest in sex is going to be hard to come by. These are not just factors affecting your interest in sex; they are central. There’s nothing wrong with you for not being interested. You just need a change in context.

A common experience for responsive people is that desire shows up after arousal. This is normal. It’s just not advertised. What this means is that you have to change the question from, “Am I feeling frisky?” to “Am I open to engaging in touch?” With physical touch, arousal may well show up, followed by, “Oh, now I feel very glad to be here, doing this!”

Most people don’t even know responsive sexual desire exists—even the very people whose desire works like this. I was once describing responsive sexual desire to my husband, and he said, “That’s interesting. That’s not what you see in the movies.” Exactly. The media, a major provider of sex education, only depicts spontaneous sexual desire.

As it turns out, spontaneous people often find themselves in relationships with responsive people. I’ve found this often to be true in same-gender couples as well. So these groups need to get to know each other.

When I explain responsive desire to Ben, his jaw drops and doesn’t close for a while. Whereas Sara is nodding vigorously, “That’s me. That’s me—I’ve just never known how to explain it.” Likewise, when I explain that Ben likely walks down the street with every sixth thought being a sexual one, her eyes pop out of her head.

A consequence for many women growing up today is that sexuality wasn’t about them and their pleasure. With inadequate information about sex, many young women are often left to apply to themselves what they learn from their experiences with men—or the movies. If men just dive into erogenous zones at the outset of a physical encounter, then that’s what must be the way to have sex. However, when desire tends to follow arousal, a direct focus on erogenous zones can feel like an unwanted advance. Their bodies aren’t yet ready to be stimulated sexually.

What to do? Change the context. If you’re like Sara and have responsive sexual desire rather than spontaneous, what is the context that makes you feel open to physical touch? Instead of saying, “I’m not in the mood,” try asking yourself, “What could put me in the mood?”

Perhaps a conversation that would help you feel less stressed, a shared glass of wine or cup of tea, a foot massage, a hot bath, reading some erotica, having your partner wash the dishes and put the kids to bed. There’s a bridge between where your head is at the moment and where it could be—you just have to build it.

This is also a couple’s project. If you’re a spontaneous guy in a relationship with a responsive woman, find out what turns her on—and off. Do you approach her in a way that’s enticing to her? Do you send her affectionate or sexy text messages? Think of your early days of flirting—you showed interest and enthusiasm for everything about her. You paid attention to her. If she’s tired, do you offer to take on tasks to give her a break?

What about unresolved conflict or repetitive bickering? For those like Sara, this is a huge buzzkill. Many a time, a Ben type approaches his partner for sex several hours after they’ve quarreled, and she looks at him as if he’s sprouted a horn and gives him a look that says, “Are you [insert your favorite four-letter word] kidding me? I’m still furious with you!” Try finding a better way to resolve conflict so there’s not simmering resentment in the air.

When we understand responsive desire and the way it works, it exposes the myth that women lose interest in sex. Sure, most women probably do lose interest in the kind of sex they’ve been expected to enjoy—late at night when they’re ready to go to sleep, regardless of what else is going on for her.

Enjoyable sex happens in a context that takes you into account.

Getting back on that track of having a pleasurable sex life isn’t about the stars aligning just right. It’s about educating yourself, understanding what negative messages and experiences may be affecting your relationship, and understanding exactly how you and your partner’s sexual desire works. Equipped with that knowledge, you can work together with your partner to create a context in which you can both enjoy sex more fully.

Complete Article HERE!

Why Am I Always Horny?

These 3 Reasons Could Explain It

What’s “normal” when it comes to libido, according to experts.

By Mia Cross

Sexual turn-ons and libido vary widely from person to person. But if you’re finding yourself horny all the time, you might be concerned if this is normal and okay, or if it’s a sign of a bigger issue. Here’s what sex experts had to say about what’s normal, what’s not, and why you might want sex constantly.

What’s normal when it comes to sex drive

Experts agree that it’s difficult to establish what’s “normal” when it comes to arousal and frequency of sexual activity. Using words like “normal” doesn’t actually help, because desire and drive for sex fluctuates throughout life, and you should never feel like your experience is less valid that anybody else’s.

Basically, a normal, healthy sex drive is one that you feel comfortable with—whether that’s wanting sex once a month or twice a day.

Most couples typically have sex once a week, according to a large national analysis of sexual frequency from 1989 through 2014, published in Archives of Sexual Behavior in 2017. Of course, how much sex you have and how much sex you want are often very different things. Studies have found that around half of men and women in heterosexual relationships are content with how often they have sex with their partners, with half of the men dissatisfied with the amount of sex they’re having usually because they want more sex. About two-thirds of unsatisfied women also want more sex.

What if you’re always horny?

“The key difference between ‘normal’ or healthy sexuality and concerning sexuality is the presence of distress about your sexuality, a sense the behavior is out of control, and/or negative, real-world consequences to your sexual behavior,” Sarah Melancon, PhD, a sociologist, clinical sexologist, and sexuality and relationships expert for SexToyCollective.com, tells Health.

If you believe you’re having too many sexual urges for your personal comfort level, or you seem to be in a state of constant stimulation, here are three possible explanations.

You’re just hot for your partner

If you describe yourself as horny all the time, you might be overthinking things. The early stages of a relationship (roughly the first three months to two years) tend to be marked by passion and excitement, which often translate to high levels of sexual desire and activity, Melancon says. This is often called the “limerence” stage of a relationship and involves a number of hormones and neurotransmitters that create very strong emotional and sexual feelings.

Although couples in long-term relationships—no matter how happy they are together—can’t return to the limerence stage, they can continue to enjoy their sex life by building trust, a sense of commitment, and having open communication about their sexual needs, Melancon says.

You’re “addicted” to sex

So-called sex addiction is similar to “addition” to video games, cell phone use, or porn viewing—basically, these behaviors are not physiologically addictive in the same way as heroin, alcohol, or cocaine,” Melancon explains. Plus, there’s some concern that telling someone they are addicted to sex stigmatizes people with higher sex drives. The traditional addiction model does not adequately address the underlying issues leading to the behavior of people in whom sex is compulsive or impulsive.

Sex addiction was considered for inclusion in DSM-5, the most recent edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders—a key diagnostic tool used by US practitioners to diagnose psychiatric illnesses. But it was rejected due to lack of evidence. However, in his 2016 article in the journal Addiction, Richard B. Krueger, MD, medical director at New York State Psychiatric Institute’s sexual behavior clinic, said that a diagnosis of hypersexual or compulsive sexual behavior can still be made using the ICD‐10 (the 10th revision of the International Classification of Diseases, which is considered the global standard for coding health information and causes of death) and the DSM‐5.

There’s ongoing debate among professionals about the idea of “sex addiction.” “Some think it is a manufactured disorder and that it pathologizes sexual behavior,” Dr. Krueger tells Health. “Others think that it is a behavioral addiction, such as internet gaming disorder or pathological gambling disorder.” (He is of the opinion that it is possible to be addicted to sex.)

“Sex addiction affects countless adolescents and adults who I evaluate in clinic,” Leela R. Magavi, MD, a child, adolescent, and adult psychiatrist and regional medical director for California-based Community Psychiatry, tells Health. “Some individuals contend that masturbating or having sex recurrently helps them attain a sense of pleasure equivalent to what they experience when they gamble or use a substance such as cocaine.”

You have hypersexuality disorder

“Some individuals use the terms ‘sex addiction’ and ‘hypersexuality’ interchangeably,” Dr. Magavi says. “Sex addiction and hypersexuality may affect individuals’ functionality and cause relationship concerns.”

Mental health practitioners consider certain factors when treating somebody who is concerned by their own sexual behavior. Melancon says there are a number of reasons somebody’s sex drive can rise that are worth looking into. “Sex can be used as a coping mechanism, much in the way people eat their feelings, binge watch, drink, or use drugs to avoid dealing with their emotions and problems,” she explains. In some cases, trauma (sexual or non-sexual) can lead to hypersexual behavior— Melancon says this is largely a way to deal with ongoing and uncomfortable nervous system reactions in the body.

Some mental health conditions, such as obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) may be associated with a change in sex drive and sexual interest.

What to do if you’re worried about your high sex drive

It’s definitely possible to have a very high sex drive and have healthy sexual relationships, but an elevated sex drive might lead to risky sexual behavior, Melancon warns. This may present as sex without a condom or birth control, legal risks (such as sex in public places), and/or crossing others’ boundaries (such as manipulating others for sex or in extreme cases, committing rape or sexual assault).

If you’re concerned about the risks of your high sex drive, she suggests considering certain questions: Are there emotional, relational, or behavioral patterns in your sex drive and/or sexual behavior? (i.e., do certain emotions, relationship challenges, or behaviors seem to lead to increased sexual interest?) If you are acting on your sexual urges, are you keeping yourself safe or are you putting yourself at risk in ways you would not if your sex drive was lower? Have you experienced any negative consequences from your sexual behavior?

Also ask yourself if you have unmet emotional needs that you may be attempting to address through sex. “For instance, some people crave to feel wanted, seen (literally and figuratively), or loved—and while all of these are perfectly human wants, they may attempt to get them met through unhealthy ways, which often ironically take us farther from what we truly need deep down,” Melancon explains.

If you notice that sex is taking the place of time spent with family, sleeping, or eating, and/or it’s affecting your day-to-day functionality overall, schedule an appointment with a psychologist or psychiatrist, Dr. Magavi advises. If you feel like you’re losing control, or you feel helpless, it’s important to reach out for help.

During any professional evaluation, it’s normal to be asked if you have any concerns about your sexual functioning or beahvior, Dr. Krueger says. To get the most out of the experience, be honest and remember that no reputable mental health practitioner will pass moral judgment. Their role is to help you work through the root issues and reach a place where you’re happy and comfortable with your sex drive—whatever it looks like.

Complete Article HERE!

10 sex drive myths experts say are toxic and gendered

    • Many sex drive myths are based on out-dated gender norms.

    • Sex drive varies from person to person regardless of their gender.

    • A person’s sex drive might change over the course of their life.

     

    A person’s sex drive doesn’t depend on their gender and everyone’s libido fluctuates throughout their life.

    By

    Sex drive (or libido) is the instinct, desire, or energy to engage in sexual behavior. There’s no right or wrong frequency or amount of sex. Everyone has their own baseline of what “normal” libido is because it varies from one individual to another.

    “Desire for sex is based on a variety of factors, including how we feel mentally and physically, the setting, the stimuli, the person(s) we are with. Sexual desire ebbs and flows in response to situations,” says Justin R. Garcia, MS, PhD, whose a sex researcher and executive director of the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University.

    There are a number of myths surrounding sex drive like how oysters stimulate desire and all men have a high sex drive. It is important to debunk these misconceptions to prevent people from spreading inaccurate information and to prevent folks from putting unnecessary pressure on themselves or partners

    Here are some of the most commonly held myths about sex drive that we need to stop believing.

    Myth 1: Women have a lower sex drive than men

    Aside from the false, though common, assumption that there are only two genders or sexes, a 2014 study showed that sexual desire manifests similarly among men and women based on sexual arousal and motivation, as well as the frequency of sexual desire. It also concluded that gender norms and inaccurate methods used in research influence supposed gender differences.

    Libido can be affected by pregnancy, breastfeeding, illness, menopause, or andropause because of hormonal changes, but it doesn’t mean that women inherently have a lower sex drive than men. “Any given woman may report a much higher or much lower baseline interest in sex than any given man,” says Garcia.

    Myth 2: Oysters are an aphrodisiac

    Foods like oysters, chocolates, strawberries, and honey are often thought of as aphrodisiacs, which increase sexual desire when consumed. However, this claim isn’t supported by science. There is limited research suggesting that any specific food can increase sex drive, but a well-balanced diet can improve overall heart health which often supports better sexual health, says Seth Cohen, MD, MPH, assistant professor of urology and director of the division of sexual medicine at NYU Grossman School of Medicine. Many may find chocolate– or any other sensually appetizing item– appealing because it is often a source of pleasure, supporting a person’s interest in further good feelings, including sexual enjoyment. 

    Myth 3: You can never increase your sex drive

    Sex drive can increase or decrease depending on various circumstances, so it is possible to boost your libido when it is lower than what is normal for you. According to Cohen, an individual can do this by engaging in movement or exercise you enjoyreducing stress, increasing mindfulness, and having a diet that aligns with your health needs. Lack of quality sleep also affects sexual function, so get about seven to nine hours of sleep every night, and check out these tips for how to sleep better if you’re having trouble.

    Myth 4: People with chronic illnesses or disabilities always have a low sex drive

    It’s a common misconception that disabled people are less sexual than able-bodied people. “Some people experience their sexual pleasure differently than others, but that doesn’t mean they necessarily have more or less interest in sexual activity,” says Garcia. Chronic illnesses and disabilities may affect sexual function or arousal, but it’s wrong to think that they don’t enjoy or can’t have sex. Keep in mind that pleasure and intimacy don’t look the same for everybody and there’s more to sex than penetration. 

    Myth 5: All men have a high sex drive

    “All men do not have a high sex drive. I see plenty of men daily from the ages of 20 to 80 who have low sex drive for various reasons, whether depression, anxiety, stress, low self esteem and body image, weight gain, poor diet, multiple medical problems, and more,” says Cohen. Sexual desire varies, so the basis for a “high sex drive” is subjective. It’s also harmful to everyone involved to think men have a high sex drive, it puts unrealistic standards on men and harmful expectations for others.

    Myth 6: Age is the only factor that can reduce sex drive

    While it’s true that sex drive can change with age, there are plenty of psychological and physical factors that can affect it. Mental and emotional well-being, and habits such as smoking, drinking, and certain drugs, can all cause a low sex drive. Relationship factors and fears of consequences (such as an STI or pregnancy) can also greatly hinder a person’s sex drive. 

    Myth 7: You need to have sex often to maintain a high sex drive

    “Frequent sexual activity is not necessary in order to maintain a healthy and satisfying libido,” says Garcia. While it’s true that having sex can increase the desire for more sex, “most people can become aroused and experience sexual desire in the absence of recent sexual activity, even after long periods of abstinence,” says Garcia.

    Myth 8: Pornography doesn’t affect sex drive

    Porn, specifically ethically produced porn, in and of itself is not problematic, what can be problematic is how people engage with porn. However, pornography can decrease sex drive by conditioning an individual’s sexual arousal to elements of pornography that don’t reflect in reality, leading to unrealistic ideas of intimacy, relationships,  and body image expectations. Sexual imagery can also increase libido by encouraging a person to have a deeper sexual relationship with themself and by priming their sexual excitement. However, many people who watch pornography, either alone or with a partner, continue to have sexual desire even without pornographic stimuli, says Garcia.

    Myth 9: Having a low sex drive means you can’t enjoy sex

    “Someone can have relatively low sexual interest, but then become aroused rather quickly,” says Garcia. People often have what is called responsive desire, which means that while they may not feel the urge to initiate sex, they do still enjoy it. Even though an individual wants to have sex less frequently than they usually do, they can still enjoy it as much as they did before. “Sex is satisfying in itself. A low sex drive just means you want less of it,” says Cohen. 

    Myth 10: It’s wrong or bad to have a low sex drive

    Everyone’s sex drive is different and it normally fluctuates over time. However, if your low sex drive is distressing you or negatively affecting your relationship, you can seek a medical professional or sex therapist to discuss your sexual health and address possible causes.

    “Low sex drive is not bad, but if it’s zero for long periods of time, then further medical workup is warranted,” says Cohen. It may be a sign of underlying health problems such as an arousal disorder, the inability to attain or maintain sexual interest.

    It’s also possible that someone with low or no sexual desire is asexual.

    Many of the myths around sex drive are generalizations about a particular group of people or misinformation about the factors that affect libido. According to Garcia, “scientifically accurate sex education is woefully lacking especially here in the United States,” which might explain why there are questions and misconceptions around sex, including sex drive.

    It’s important to understand that the desire to engage in sexual behavior largely varies between people, so you shouldn’t automatically assume that everyone has the same sex drive as you. Before engaging in sexual activity, have an honest discussion with your partner/s about individual desires to establish clear boundaries.

    “In the world of sexuality, variation is the norm,” says Garcia. If you’re concerned about your sexual health, seek a medical professional for a consultation.

    Complete Article HERE!

This Is What Happens to Your Libido When You Exercise Regularly

Doctors explain the four benefits and the one side effect.

By Elizabeth Harris

By now you probably know that regular exercise is good for your health. What you might not know is that it’s good for your sexual health, too.

A host of new research has revealed how exercise impacts your sexual well-being. It turns out that regular exercise can boost your libido, improve your sex life, and reduce the chances of experiencing pain during sex. The best part is it only takes about 30 minutes of exercise three times a week to feel the effects.

To find out more, HelloGiggles talked to Dr. Cindy Meston, a professor of clinical psychology at the University of Texas and director of the Female Sexual Psychophysiology Lab, to find out exactly how exercise impacts your libido and how much exercise you need to experience the full range of benefits.

Read on to find out what happens to your libido when you start exercising regularly.

You get turned on easier

Research shows that exercise has an immediate effect on your libido. According to Dr. Meston, just 20 minutes of cardio exercise—like running, swimming or cycling—gets your body prepped for sex.

Dr. Meston explains that blood flow to the genitals can increase by as much as 150% immediately after exercise. This makes a big difference to your levels of arousal and lubrication, helping your body get ready for action. And with so much blood flowing to your genitals, you’re likely to feel an increase in desire and attraction and generally feel more turned on. You can expect your sex drive to peak around 15 to 30 minutes after intense exercise, according to Dr. Meston.

Exercise doesn’t just affect one area of the body, either. Dr. Meston’s research has shown that a combination of different factors add up to the positive impact of exercise on your libido. These changes happen immediately after exercise and also in the long term, once you start working out regularly.

Studies have linked yoga and Pilates, in particular, to improved sexual well-being. Women who took part in the research reported more desire, arousal, lubrication, and orgasms after doing 60 minutes of Pilates twice a week for 12 weeks. They also reported less pain during sex and more sexual satisfaction after taking part in regular Pilates sessions.

Even going out for a walk can make a difference in your sex life. A 2020 study showed that eight-plus weeks of walking improved the sexual well-being of women with arthritis.

You have more happy hormones

According to Dr. Meston, a range of hormonal changes also happen when you exercise. Exercise can boost your cortisol, estrogen, prolactin, oxytocin, and testosterone levels—and all those hormones play a part in your sex life.

“Testosterone has been shown to play an important role in sexual desire in both men and women, and oxytocin is the feel-good hormone that is released during orgasm,” explains Dr. Meston.

Exercise also increases serotonin levels in the body. This hormone can minimize feelings of tension and promote relaxation, helping to lift your mood and make you feel happier. By reducing tension in the body, serotonin also increases feelings of desire and all-around well-being, giving a big boost to your libido.

Your body gets ready for sex

Regular exercise can change your body in a big way. Using your muscles frequently helps to improve your circulation and cardiovascular health. It strengthens your heart, increasing the amount of blood your heart moves with each pump and upping blood flow around the body.

Cardiovascular health and circulation are especially important for men’s sexual health, as good blood flow is needed to get things going. As Dr. Emmanuele A. Jannini, a professor of Endocrinology and Sexual Medicine at the University of Rome Tor Vergata, explains, “Physical activity in men strongly improves the ability to obtain and maintain an erection.” Couples workouts, anyone?

For women, exercise can help with lubrication both before and during sex. By exercising regularly, women may be less likely to experience sexual health problems.

Dr. Jannini explains that almost four out of five women who didn’t exercise reported sexual dysfunction compared to women who exercised regularly. This is really important because it shows that exercise could reduce the chance of experiencing pain during sex and improve sexual satisfaction.

Your self-confidence gets a boost

As well as the physical effects of exercise on your body, there are long-term benefits for your self-confidence, too. “Exercise positively impacts body image, mood, and improves energy and flexibility,” says Dr. Meston, all of which play a big role in sexual well-being.

“Studies have shown that individuals who exercise regularly have more positive body images than those who do not,” says Dr. Meston. This matters because research shows that people with negative body image were less likely to want to have sex compared to people with good self-esteem, who reported more sexual desire.

When you’re more confident about your body during sex, it’s easier to focus on pleasure rather than being distracted by how your body looks or what your partner is thinking about you. Dr. Meston points out that this has nothing to do with BMI, however. It’s all about how you feel in your own body.

You might miss out if you become body-obsessed

There is a downside to exercising too much. According to Dr. Meston, “Some people become obsessed or addicted to exercise to such a degree that they lose perspective on what is healthy and what actually looks sexually attractive. This can negatively impact their self-esteem and body image.”

Dr. Jannini also points out that stress can impact how your body responds to sex, making it harder for you to be aroused. If you’re too preoccupied with your body image, you may not feel comfortable having sex and struggle to relax.

As with most things, finding a healthy balance is really important.

If you want to start exercising more frequently, try going for a walk or doing something you love, like dancing or jumping rope. It could have a big impact on your libido and your overall sexual well-being!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Why is my sex drive so high?

6 reasons for increased libido — and when it might be too high

By

  • If your sex drive is higher than normal, it may be due to a fluctuation in hormone levels, your age, or an increase in exercise. 
  • A decrease in stress levels or stopping certain medications might also explain an increased sex drive. 
  • There is no such thing as a “normal” sex drive, but if you feel your libido is impacting your relationships or career, reach out to a sex therapist or consult with your doctor.

While a high libido is often considered healthy, sometimes you might wonder why your sex drive seems higher than normal or has suddenly increased. Here are six reasons why your sex drive may feel unusually high:

1. Your hormone levels are changing

The sex hormones estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone levels can vary during your lifetime — but also within the course of a day — affecting your sex drive along with them.

For women, estrogen levels rise before and during ovulation, causing an increase in sex drive. Meanwhile, high testosterone levels in men have been linked to higher libido. High levels of testosterone are common in younger men and athletes using steroids.

A 2016 report found that being on estrogen therapies, like for menopause or bone loss, may be the reason for a higher sex drive in women. Additionally, if you’re taking testosterone with low-dose estrogen therapy for postmenopausal purposes it may also heighten your sex drive.

2. You’re going through puberty or aging

Those who are younger may have a higher sex drive than older adults. For example, testosterone production increases 10 times in adolescent boys, which explains the increase in arousal or interest in sex at that period in development.

However, middle-aged women may have a higher sex drive than younger women. A 2010 study of adult women found that people between 27 and 45 were more likely to think about sexual activities, have frequent sexual fantasies, a more active sex life, and more intense sexual fantasies than those aged 18 to 26.

3. You’re exercising more

One reason your sex drive may be higher than usual is an increase in physical activity or weight loss. A small 2018 study revealed a positive relationship between physical fitness and a higher sex drive. In fact, the researchers found that in women, arousal was heavily influenced by cardiovascular endurance. 

“Physical activity may make us feel more connected to our bodies and could increase self-image,” says Kamil Lewis, a sex and relationship therapist in Southern California. “When we feel good about ourselves, we’re likely to want to engage in partnered sex more frequently.”

4. You’re in a healthy sexual relationship

Some people may experience a boost in libido if they find themselves in a sexual relationship that’s more enjoyable than their past ones.

“If [sex is] a good and pleasurable experience, then it’s going to make you want to do more of it. If it’s a bad experience or it’s not pleasurable, then a lot of times people will develop an aversion to sex,” says Tamika K. Cross, MD, FACOG, an OBG-YN at Serenity Women’s Health & Med Spa in Pearland, Texas. “You’re going to want more of something that feels good, and that’s pleasurable to you.”

5. You’re less stressed

Your sex drive might be higher than usual because you’re experiencing less stress. Higher stress levels release more cortisol — your fight or flight hormone — which can negatively impact your sex drive, says Cross.

In a small 2008 study, 30 women had their sex drives and cortisol levels measured before and after watching an erotic film. It found that women who had a decrease in cortisol had higher sex drives.

If you’ve recently noticed a dip in your stress levels, that may also explain an increase in sex drive. “Although sex is very physical, it’s very mental and psychological as well,” says Cross.

6. You’ve changed your medication

If you noticed a sudden change in libido it may be because you recently stopped using medication or decreased your dose. Antidepressants, in particular, can negatively impact your sex drive, says Cross. In a 2016 report, 40% of people experiencing sexual dysfunction could attribute it to anti-depressant use.

Other medications that may hinder your sex drive include:

  • Anti-hypertensive medications, which are used to treat high blood pressure
  • Anti-mania medications like lithium
  • Hormones like Lupron or Zoladex

Therefore, if you recently stopped one of these medications, it might explain your higher than normal sex drive. Some people may prefer to discontinue or change a medication because it is impacting their sex life so significantly. Talk to your doctor if you think this may be an issue for you or your partner, as there are many safe alternatives to medications that impact libido.

Can my sex drive be too high?

Just as there is no right amount of sex to be having, no “normal” sex drive exists. “There is a lot of shaming language around those with higher sex drives,” says Lewis. People use terms like ‘sex addict’ and ‘nymphomaniac’ too often, she says, to describe others who have a natural, healthy sex drive.

Finding partners who have a similar sex drive can be a positive way to explore your sexuality, but if your partner and you have fundamentally different sex drives, that doesn’t mean you’re incompatible.

However, “if your high sex drive is getting in the way of commitments such as work, family, or relationships, you might want to see a sex-positive sex therapist to find support on how to manage your sex drive without shame,” says Lewis.

Cross says if you and your partner are not on the same page, as far as sex drive, it can put a stress on the relationship. Receiving help from a sex therapist early on can help you and a partner find a balance that works for both of you.

Complete Article HERE!

Sex Therapist Says This Is the Most Common Issue I Treat

By Mary Grace Garis

Sex therapist and cognitive scientist Nan Wise, PhD, author of Good Sex Matters, has been exploring sex from all angles since becoming a psychotherapist in the 1980s (she became a certified sex therapist in 2008). And through it all, one common sexual problem keeps coming up in her work.  “As a sex therapist, I’ve observed that the biggest issue that stalls a sex life after the honeymoon glow of new relationship energy wears off boils down to one basic problem: the individuals’ libidos or sexual love styles that simply don’t match,” says Dr. Wise.

While sexual desire comes in different forms (think: spontaneous versus responsive desire) that can work together, Dr. Wise contends that it’s the “desire curve” that comes into play with new relationships that poses a big challenge to mismatched styles of intimate engagement and sex drive. That is, when we first date someone, our new relationship energy (NRE) makes our horniness spike, inviting us to kind of forget our resting or “baseline desire” rate.

The desire curve is the natural path your sexual desire takes, from the lower point at baseline to the big juicy peak of NRE—followed by the inevitable and slippery slide down into post-NRE,” says Dr. Wise. “Whether you start off with a relatively high or a relatively low level of sexual desire at baseline, NRE is going to drive up your sexual energy. This is what fuels us feeling the post-NRE crash so acutely. “

And after the crash, it’s common to discover a conflict of what Dr. Wise calls erotic “love styles,” which includes both what turns us on and how we like to have sex. So in order to bridge the gap between mismatched libidos and get yourself excited again, she suggests a multi-pronged approach.

Dr. Wise says the most common sexual problem she treats is mismatched desire and love stye. Here are her 6 tips to bridge the gap.

1. Start by sorting out where you are on the desire curve.

Don’t sweat about where exactly you are, “enjoy the peaks and don’t sweat the valleys,” she says.

2. Identify your own and your partner’s erotic “love-style”

When you’re in the honeymoon period, love style maybe not even be something you notice, but since partners can have vastly different preferences, take note. For example, someone who needs soulful connection to access their sexual energy might have trouble with a rough-and-tumble lover who’s more interested in athletic sex than eye-gazing after the big NRE buzz wears off. At this point, if it seems you and your partner aren’t meshing well, don’t panic.

“Mismatched libidos can provide an opportunity to explore and expand your own erotic repertoire,” says Dr. Wise. “Use the bedroom as a playground to get inventive with your sexual styles.” Dr. Wise also developed a test for designating what your erotic love-style might be. Take the test, and also have your partner, and then use the results as a talking point to keep communication lines open.

3. Learn to stoke your own responsive desire

When the excitement of NRE wears down, we return to stoking the embers of our own responsive energy instead. Think about all the little rituals that came naturally during the early days of the relationship, like, say, flirting.

“Be the lover you want to have,” says Dr. Wise. “Show intense interest in your partner. And don’t be afraid to take matters in your own hands and get the juices flowing by giving your partner and yourself a jump-start with some physical strokes as well.”

4. Take risks to ask for what you want in the bedroom

“This is the way to keep your sex life alive,” says Dr. Wise. “Stop relying on your habitual sexual relationship and start relating in present time. Cultivate the courage to get bolder in conversations in and out of the bedroom. If you aren’t comfortable with taking risks, all the more reason to do so. And if you lack ideas, ask your partner what [they] really, really want. That’s taking a risk, too.”

5. Address lingering resentments that might be dampening your desire for your partner

This could be as serious as infidelity or as simple as them not ever doing the dishes. Whatever it is, talk it out.

“There’s nothing as dulling to a sex life as long-standing, low-boiling upsets or frustrations,” Dr. Wise says. “Make sure to spring clean the basement of your relationship by having regular and productive active-listening sessions—the number one tool I teach couples—so you can get mad and get over it!”

6. Learn to turn yourself on

Sure, that might mean tapping into your self-pleasure regularly and not neglecting your vibrator just because you have an S.O. But it also means really establishing your individuality, and having a life outside of your relationship that’s fulfilling and rich.

“People who cultivate lifelong sexual potential are those who are erotically engaged in living,” says Dr. Wise. “They pursue their passions for learning and experience as human beings. When we cultivate ourselves as separate individuals, we can be both part of and apart from our relationships in ways that enliven. Go out and fall in love with life and bring that home to your partner.”

Complete Article HERE!

What to Do When You and Your Partner Have Wildly Different Sex Drives

For starters, know that this is a couple problem… not a you problem.

By Steph Auteri

My husband’s idea of a fantastic evening is to “Netflix and chill.” My idea of a fantastic evening is to pull on palazzo-style lounge pants, crawl into bed by 9 p.m., and read until I pass out.

I could blame motherhood. The pandemic. The overwhelming stress and exhaustion of being a woman who has just turned 40 and who happens to be juggling way too many responsibilities. All of these things are true.

But in all honesty, these elements only amplify a discrepancy in desire that has always existed between myself and my husband.

My appetite for sex has never been as large as his. And because I’ve spent much of our relationship assuming this was an indication of some sort of personal deficiency on my part, our sex life has been the source of much angst. For both of us.

But this desire gap between partners is common. According to one study, desire and frequency issues (both low sexual desire and desire discrepancy) are the most reported sexual concerns (34%) among women. A more recent study delivered similar results, with 40% of participants reporting low sexual desire. This call-out of “low sexual desire” is also likely an indicator of desire discrepancy between partners. After all, we often measure our desire levels in relation to the person we’re with.

Still, sexual desire discrepancy doesn’t have to be the bogeyman it’s often made out to be. According to new research published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, how couples respond to these discrepancies can actually improve their overall relationship satisfaction.

The Desire Gap Is a Normal Part of Most Relationships

Our levels of desire shift over the course of our lives and, by extension, over the course of our relationships. This happens as a result of many factors, including age, stress levels, and relationship status. Being mentally prepared for these shifts can make all the difference in the world in terms of sexual and relationship satisfaction.

Kristen Mark, Ph.D., MPH — a sex and relationships researcher, educator, and therapist and one of the authors of this most recent study — says that expectations play a huge part in how sexual desire discrepancy impacts a relationship. “What I see clinically with couples struggling is, ‘I thought our sex life was so amazing. I thought this is what it would [always] be,'” says Mark. This attitude ensures that the inevitable desire fluctuations that occur over the course of a relationship become a source of distress.

She says that couples who don’t catastrophize, on the other hand, have it easier. These couples acknowledge the ways in which desire shifts and, because they see these fluctuations as normal, they don’t necessarily treat them as a huge problem that must be fixed. Because of this, they can roll with the changes going on in the bedroom.

“When I first started dating my husband, we could have sex eight times in a weekend. We were just animalistic. Now, maybe it’s been eight months since we had sex. I don’t know. I’m just not counting anymore.” – Briana, 31

“I remember when I first started dating my husband and we could have sex eight times in a weekend. We were just animalistic,” says Briana, 31. Three kids later, “now, maybe it’s been eight months since we had sex. I don’t know. I’m just not counting anymore.”

The women I spoke to about their sex lives pinpointed various reasons for the desire gaps in their relationships. Like me, Briana has been feeling the stress of motherhood. She told me that sometimes, after an exhausting day of running after kids and breastfeeding her youngest, her body feels more like a tool than anything else. “At the end of the day,” she says, “there’s nothing left to give.”

Laura Zam, a sexuality educator and the author of The Pleasure Plan, echoes this. Adding to the average stressors of her day, Zam has spent her life grappling with painful intercourse. For her, the prospect of sex can seem especially daunting. “It’s a feeling of, sometimes, anger,” she says, speaking to how she used to feel blindsided by her husband’s desire when the day was over. “My body was finally mine and I did not want to share it.”

“His sex drive is much more influenced by outside factors. A tough week at work… depression… anxiety… he loses interest. But sex makes me feel better.” – Annika, 42

Annika, 42, meanwhile, points out the ways in which sex can sometimes hold different meanings for individuals. “The short version is that I’m horny more often than my husband,” she says. “The longer version is that his sex drive is much more influenced by outside factors. A tough week at work… depression… anxiety… he loses interest. But sex makes me feel better.

How the Desire Gap Can Place Strain on a Relationship

In many cases, these discrepancies between partners can cause distress — on both sides. The person with the higher libido may feel rejected, while the one with the lower libido may feel some combination of guilt and resentment.

“When we don’t have sex, my husband feels he’s not good enough or not attractive enough,” says Briana. “But it’s not that I don’t want to have sex with him. I don’t want to have sex with anybody. At the end of the day, I’m touched out. I don’t want anybody to need me for anything. It has nothing to do with my relationship with him.”

For others, it can be viewed as a lack of effort in maintaining intimacy. “My husband would say, ‘This is not important to you. You don’t seem to be really invested in this part of our relationship,'” Zam says. “I felt guilty. And it brought up these feelings of brokenness. I already felt broken, sexually. Obviously, something was wrong with me.”

How Some Couples Have Defused the Tension Caused by Sexual Desire Discrepancy

Happily, all of the women to whom I spoke feel that, as time has passed, they’ve been able to respond to these sexual differences in a healthier way. Their number one tip, of course, is a lot of communication.

“In the last few years,” says Annika, who has been with her husband for 22 years, “we started talking about our feelings and are much more on the same page.”

She explains how, at the beginning of their relationship, they handled their desire discrepancy poorly, both of them holding onto resentment. But in recent years, their coping mechanisms have changed. “Annoyingly, yes,” she says. “Communication is key.”

“I think it’s important to not let it become this elephant in the room,” says Mark. “To work together to come up with solutions.”

And in fact, Mark’s research shows that relational strategies developed by both partners — versus by just one partner — were associated with greater sexual and relationship satisfaction. Mark explains that desire discrepancy is a “dyadic issue,” an issue created by the interaction between two individuals. “This isn’t something one person has to bear the load of,” she says. “People tend to pathologize the individual with lower desire and that shouldn’t be the case. Why is lower desire worse than higher desire? It’s just desire.”

People tend to pathologize the individual with lower desire and that shouldn’t be the case. Why is lower desire worse than higher desire? It’s just desire. – Kristen Mark, Ph.D., MPH

And when couples begin to communicate about their desire, better solutions naturally arise. For Briana and her husband, for example, there is an ongoing conversation around how they can find a middle ground that makes both of them happy.

Sometimes, that means engaging in maintenance sex. “It’s about me fulfilling a need for him because I love him,” says Briana.

In other cases, it means redefining what sex is, and also embracing non-sexual intimacy.

“What I found was that, when I was declining sex, I was declining a very narrow definition of sex,” says Zam. “I started to ask myself what was interesting to me sexually… erotically. What I don’t enjoy is when [penetrative sex] is the be-all and end-all. I need a lot of variety. I like to go into a sexual romantic encounter with no preconceived notions of what the activity will be. It may or may not include orgasm. It just depends on what I’m in the mood for.”

She explains that she learned to “find her own ‘yes,'” even when her body was saying “no.”

“I’d respect the ‘no,'” she says, “but is there an authentic ‘yes’ there and where is it? What would be nice right now?”

Briana, meanwhile, spoke of how she and her husband became able to acknowledge the natural ebbs and flows in desire. “It’s not always going to be like this,” says Briana. “We can not have sex and still have fun with each other. We can find other things for our relationship to be based off of other than our sexual relationship.”

She mentions how she and her husband sometimes shower together, and how it doesn’t have to be sexual in nature, but can still be positive physical touch — a term that is often used by child psychologists to describe the sort of touch that encourages connection and bonding. “There are so many different ways to show your spouse positive touch,” she says. “It doesn’t always have to end in orgasm.”

In the end, when it comes to the research around desire discrepancy, Mark speculates that perhaps the solutions we’ve historically been given for managing the desire gap in our relationships aren’t necessarily the best solutions for the relationship itself.

Masturbation, for example, is one of the most commonly suggested (and used) strategies among couples whose desire levels don’t match up, but its use doesn’t actually lead to greater relationship satisfaction — unless it’s been discussed as part of a larger conversation.

“I think that’s the most important piece,” says Mark when asked about the biggest takeaway from her research. “Treating this couples issue as a couples issue.”

Complete Article HERE!

5 questions we kept asking therapists during lockdown

by Kayleigh Dray

Is it normal that we haven’t had sex in ages? And how do we start (ahem) doing it again? Here are the five questions we most wanted to ask a couples therapist over lockdown, answered.

Whether you believe a second wave is inevitable or not, there’s no denying that the long weeks we spent in coronavirus lockdown were a funny old time indeed. In a bid to flatten the Covid-19 curve, we stayed indoors as much as possible, we worked from home if we were able, and we avoided public transport like the literal plague.

But how did all that social distancing impact our relationships?

Or, to put it more bluntly, what did it do to our sex lives?

In a bid to learn more about how our (ahem) Netflix ‘n’ Chill vibes changed during the pandemic (if at all), we reached out to Dr Kalanit Ben-Ari.

And the psychologist, author, and couples therapist came up trumps, revealing the five questions she was asked most during lockdown, as well as the answers she offered up.

Prepare to feel extremely seen.

We’re experiencing burnout due to being together 24/7. How can we add a bit of spice and excitement to our sex life?

Lockdown has forced many of us to spend more time at home than ever before. Even though this extra time brings its own set of perks, being cooped up with your partner constantly can take away the opportunity to miss each other, and each day becomes predictable, routine, and lacks spontaneity.

With lockdown life now the new normal, it’s become all too easy to fall into the same well-worn routine that leaves spontaneity and novelty on the backburner. That’s why it’s vital to find different ways to create some space to give you both the chance to develop your passion, or even just relax and recharge your batteries. Igniting new energy and experiences can add a splash of excitement that, in my opinion, is necessary to stimulate relationships.

As with all new things, communication is key. Have a chat with your partner about what each of you would like to do to bring a new sense of spice to your sex life. Ask each other questions. 

Try something like:

  1. What does sex mean to each of you? 
  2. What would you both like to try? 
  3. How would trying new things benefit not just your sex life but your relationship as a whole? 
  4. And, how can you make the process of discovery more fun and exciting?

An easy way to begin is to take it in turns to bring something new to the bedroom each week. One thing I often suggest to my clients is to learn a massage technique to generate desire. You could do an online course or watch clips to get to grips with techniques, bringing your newfound skill to your partner each week is what matters. This will help keep the spark of spontaneity and novelty alive and build anticipation for each new encounter.

We haven’t had sex for months, how do I initiate it now?

Establishing an intimate and mindful connection should be your top priority rather than putting an emphasis on purely having sex to achieve an orgasm. When life takes over it can be all too easy to avoid intimacy, which is why it’s so important that you schedule and loosely plan ‘date nights’. That way you enjoy the anticipatory build-up to them. Clear your to-do list so that you can be fully present in the moment without any distraction and show up with excitement rather than an anxiety of the unknown.

I often recommend to my clients to read Hot Monogamy: Essential Steps to More Passionate Intimate Lovemaking by Jo Robinson and Patricia Love as it includes exercises couples can explore together. I also strongly recommend keeping the bedroom a screen-free zone by removing all phones, laptops, TVs and tablets. Then, take the opportunity to go to your bedroom together an hour earlier than usual, giving you a better opportunity to connect.

It may feel intimidating in the beginning, but by continuing to practice being present and mindful in the moment (rather than having your thoughts drift to the past or future worries) you’ll experience real, fulfilling progress.

My libido has been low since the Covid-19 outbreak. What can I do to increase it?

First of all, take the time to learn about your body fully. Get to grips with what turns you on and what turns you off so that you become the master of your own desires and needs. Deepening your understanding of your body means you can talk to and teach your partner about what you like and the new things you learn without shaming or criticizing what they already do for you.

Secondly, focus on becoming the master of your partner’s body. Learn from their non-verbal reactions and ask them what, where, and how they like to be touched. Consider getting your partner to demonstrate what they like or write instructions as a fun way to discover each other. The main idea here is to be relaxed, mindful, and present during intimate moments with your partner so that you both let go of any expectations or worries around performance anxiety.

A fun exercise to try out is taking turns showing each other how you like to be touched. Do it to your partner, then your partner copies, and does it to you. Keep going for half an hour and you’ll notice the difference in desire in no time.

How can we create space for sex when the children are at home all the time?

Many couples feel self-conscious about having sex when their children are in the next room. For many, it can be a huge turn-off. However, as there are still a few weeks until the summer holidays come to an end and kids (potentially) go back to school, I recommend that parents create strategies that give them the time and space to connect intimately sooner rather than later. Strategies will differ depending on the age of the children but there are simple steps couples can take to carve out more time together.

Why not consider arranging playdates for your children at the same time? Or wake up an hour earlier than the children in the morning? Or maybe even try to squeeze a nap in during the day so that you’re more alert and awake at night when the kids go to bed? 

If you have a babysitter or family member helping out with childcare, get them to arrange a day out for your kids or a movie day so you and your partner can get some alone time. As long as you’re actively looking for opportunities to plan and create space for sex and intimacy, you’ll find a way that works for you.

Our anxiety over Covid-19 is harming our ability to enjoy intimacy together. What can we do to let go of our worries?

The past few months have been overwhelming, to say the least, with many couples experiencing the financial and mental health fallouts of living through the coronavirus pandemic. During such times of stress, some people crave intimacy, whereas others prefer to avoid it at all costs. Neither is better or worse than the other, each is just a different way to manage anxiety.

Know that it’s OK to not feel OK during this time. Millions of people around the world are worried too and it’s perfectly natural to feel anxious.

You can take easy steps to help limit your anxiety levels each day. From listening to music, playing an instrument or going for a walk and getting active outdoors, to having massages, practising mindfulness, meditation and breathing techniques and using aromatic oils like Frankincense – all of these activities will help focus your mind in the moment.

And, by remaining in the present (rather than worrying about the past or future), your anxiety levels will decrease.

The key is to determine what the focus of your mind is. Focus on being mindful of your romantic relationship, take deep breaths together, hold eye contact, soften your eyes, and connect with each one of your senses. Be aware of your body and ask your partner for an extra-long hug several times a day. We all need a good hug once in a while, especially now when distance is the new normal. Focus on taking little steps to improve and get joy from your relationship will slowly drop your anxiety level.

However, if you feel your anxiety levels are constantly high and your work, wellbeing, and relationships are beginning to be negatively affected by it, it’s advisable to reach out for professional help. Reaching out for therapy can support you to achieve the intimacy experience you desire.

Complete Article HERE!

Understanding These 2 Types of Sexual Desire Will Help You Feel In Control of Your Libido

Introducing: Spontaneous and responsive desire.

By Gabrielle Kassel

By now, you’ve probably heard a sexual health pro say—punctuated by 👏👏👏, of course—that porn is entertainment, not education. And that’s true. But there’s another type of media that shoves lies about what sex “should” (eye roll) look like down our collective throat: Romantic comedies.

One of the ideas these films have implanted into our brains? That the desire to get it on hits you out of nowhere—BAM! As a sex writer, this really gets me heated (as in, mad, not horny) considering only an estimated 15 to 20 percent of cisgender women (vs. 75 percent of cisgender men) primarily experience sexual desire in this way, according to sex researcher Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., in her book Come As You Are. (ICYDK, here’s the definition of “cisgender” and more about gender identity.)

“Most often depicted in movies, spontaneous desire is the urge for sex that hits you out of nowhere,” says Jill McDevitt, Ph.D, resident sexologist for sex toy emporium CalExotics. But what’s much more common for (cisgender) women is something called responsive sexual desire, which is when the desire comes in response to (or after) sexual activity has already (consensually) started. Meaning, sexual activity begets arousal, versus the other way around.

As McDevitt puts it: “Spontaneous desire is sex on the kitchen counter. Responsive desire is watching Netflix together, and starting to feel a tingle when your partner starts to trace the outline of your shorts during the sex scene in the movie you’re watching.”

The good news: Once you understand how these two types of sexual desire work, you can hack your sex life so you can start having as much (or as little) sex as you want! But first, scroll down.

Spontaneous vs. Responsive Sexual Desire

First things first: Both styles of sexual desire are normal and healthy. Unfortunately, people (especially cisgender women) who primarily experience responsive desire assume that they’re sexually defunct because their desire doesn’t look like Mila Kunis’s in Friends with Benefits. (See: Why Your Lack of Sex Drive Isn’t a Disorder)

Such is not the case, assures Zhana Vrangalova, Ph.D., professor of human sexuality at New York University and resident sexpert for sex toy brand LELO. “Most of these folks can experience desire/arousal, but they (and their partners) aren’t giving responsive desire a chance,” she says.

What does responsive desire look like IRL? Rather than waiting for a sudden urge to get down, you might say, “hey babe, any interest in me giving you a massage and seeing where that goes?” Or, “how would you feel about turning on porn and masturbating side-by-side, and seeing if that gets us in the mood?”

If you’re skeptical, you shouldn’t be. After all, “sex itself is not better just because it starts with spontaneous desire—people report just as much pleasure and enjoyment regardless of how it started,” says Vrangalova. Besides, the type of desire isn’t a measure of how good the sex was. How pleasurable it was is!

Deducing Your Own Sexual Desire Style

According to Nagoski’s aforementioned research, about 75 percent of men and 15 percent of women primarily experience spontaneous desire, whereas 5 percent of men and 30 percent of women primarily experience responsive desire (all cisgender). But for the rest of folks, sexual desire is context-dependent, says sexologist Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., host of the podcast Sex with Dr. Jess. Meaning, “sometimes they’ll experience more spontaneous desire and other times the desire is more likely to happen responsively,” she says.

It’s common for context-dependent types to primarily experience spontaneous desire at the start of a relationship and responsive desire as the relationship ebbs on, or during high-stress, busy bouts of time. (After all, stress can lead to lower libido and even an inability to climax.)

Odds are, you were able to deduce your main type just by reading the above definitions. If not, I recommend investing in Nagoski’s books and flipping to the end of Chapter 3. There, you’ll find a “Sex Contexts” worksheet where she instructs you to journal (in detail!) about three of both your best sexual experiences as well as the “meh” ones. In reviewing these experiences, you’ll likely notice common themes around when and where sex took place, as well as whether the activity erected from spontaneous desire, responsive desire, or neither. For instance, if your top sexual experiences happened in coatroom closets at weddings, odds are you tend to experience spontaneous desire. If your top sexual experiences happened after day-long romantic dates or sexting sessions, odds are your desire leans responsive.

How to Lean Into Responsive Sexual Desire

So you primarily experience responsive desire and your partner primarily experiences spontaneous desire. Or, you both primarily experience responsive desire…now what? Fear not! “There are lots of different ways couples with different sexual desires can meet in the middle,” says sexual health expert Lyndsey Harper, M.D. ob-gyn, founder and CEO of Rosy, a sexual health technology platform.

1. Schedule sex.

Don’t be so quick to dismiss it. (After all, it works for sticking to your workout routine—why not extend it to your sexual wellness as well?) Sitting down with your planners and Google calendars and plotting out between work, birthdays, and exercise when you’re going to make time to ~get it on~ may not sound sexy. But “when the partner with responsive desire knows sex will happen at a certain time, they can seek out arousal tools, like erotica, ethical porn, masturbation, or ahead of time to help themselves get in the mood,” says Dr. Harper. (Or, good ol’ daydreaming.)

Plus, assuming you clear out your calendars for longer than, like, thirty minutes, it also ensures there’s plenty of time to do things that help the responsive desire partner get in the mood (think: showering together, kissing, etc.) versus feeling pressured to be ready to go ASAP.

If scheduling sex far ahead doesn’t feel right for you and your partner, consider scheduling date nights instead, and touch base that day about whether sex is on the table or not. Or, try some of these other suggestions first.

2. Intentionally take turns initiating sex.

Often in relationships where one partner experiences spontaneous sexual desire and the other experiences responsive sexual desire, the spontaneous person begins to feel like they’re always the initiator, says Vrangalova. Then, the partner who experiences responsive desire may begin to feel like their partner is constantly pestering them for sex, and feel guilty for saying no. This can lead to resentment on both sides. To interrupt this cycle, she suggests agreeing to take turns extending invitations to one another to have sex. Just remember: Your partner always maintains the right to say no.

Here’s how it works: Pre-determine a period of time within which you’ll each initiate, says O’Reilly. Maybe you’ll plan to initiate sex once per week, and alternate who initiates each week. This way, the responsive desire partner(s) can actively seek out arousal once they’re aroused, says Dr. Harper. (More here: How to Ask Your Partner for More Sex Without Offending Them)

3. Don’t make sex the objective.

Going from zero-percent horny to sex (of any kind) can be super daunting, especially when you’re working or busy child-rearing. Unfortunately, for a lot of couples, lines like “hey, babe, want to try to have sex tonight?” or “want to smash?” are common-place.

Vrangalova’s suggestion? Try asking “I’d love to take a shower together at the end of the day” or “how would you feel about a good old-fashioned makeout session?” instead. Why? Because making things like long passionate kisses, sensual massage, watching porn, reading erotica together, dirty talk, fantasy sharing, hand play, or even cuddling can feel more accessible to a not-currently-turned-on partner. (See More: 10 Foreplay Ideas That Can Be Even Hotter Than Penetration)

“If it progresses to sex from there, great. If not, that’s okay, too!” she says. “You’ll still get the benefit of spending intimate time together.” (And, if it’s applicable, the benefits of human touch.)

4. Lean on pleasure products.

Research reveals that vibrator use is positively correlated with desire, lubrication, orgasm, lower levels of pain, and overall sexual satisfaction,” says O’Reilly. “So, sometimes some vibration or suction is just what your body needs to get in the mood.” Rather than going right for your hot-spots, spend some time using the vibe on your inner thighs, back, chest tissue and nipples, and the fleshy part of your bum, she suggests. Think of it as a self-care massage—and then let it turn sexual if it feels right.

5. Do a little extra sex ed.

Specifically, read books on this very topic such Mind the Gap by Karen Gurney or Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski.

Why? Because the greatest obstacle most couples face is their expectation around how sex “should” work, says Vrangalova. “Many people get stuck in this notion that you should only have sex if both partners are spontaneously horny at the exact same time—and refuse sex when that’s not the case.” (Sound familiar?)

Both of these books go into even more depth on topics discussed in this article to help you better understand just how normal any type of sexual desire is and how the messages you might have absorbed through pop-culture are pleasure-blocking your sex. Both also feature exercises you and your boo can do together to help you better understand your preconceived notions about desire, and how to troubleshoot them for boosted pleasure. (Get more wisdom from Nagoski here: How to Get More Pleasure By Shifting Your Mindset.)

What If These Don’t Work?

Okay, so you thought you primarily experienced responsive desire, gave these tricks a try, and still can’t find your libido? First, talk to your healthcare provider. Certain medications, mental health illnesses, and chronic conditions like heart disease, diabetes, and cancer can affect sexual functioning.

If you get the clear from your doc, think about why your body (specifically something known as your sexual inhibition system) might be intentionally keeping you from getting turned on. If your body perceives that it’s in danger, it can actually shut off your ability to get aroused. For instance, if you’re concerned about getting unintentionally pregnant, contracting an STI, or being socially shamed for who/how you’re having sex, arousal just won’t work. Ask yourself: What can I do to limit the (perceived) risk of the sex I want (keyword) to be having?

Also: Reflect on your relationship. How are you feeling about your boo? No doubt, it’s pretty tough to get turned on by a partner you’re feeling resentful of or aren’t feeling comfortable with. Addressing any underlying relationship issues (or TBH, calling it quits) may help.

Regardless, know that any way you experience sexual desire is ok. If you can relinquish the idea of there being a “normal”—because, truly, there is no “normal” in anything sex-related—that just might help you get there.

7 ways to boost your sex drive

By

  • You can increase your sex drive by reducing stress levels, gaining a better understanding of what turns you on, letting go of performance anxiety, and reducing negative anticipation among other methods.
  • Getting enough sleep could also increase your desire for sex since sleep quality can influence libido.
  • You could also try talking to a therapist since this can help you address issues like shame surrounding sex, body image, or trauma.
  • Media and societal norms lead people to believe that they should be ready to have sex at any given moment. While this is the experience of some people, it certainly isn’t the case for everybody.If you’re looking to increase your sex drive, there are a few things you can do to boost your desire. Here is what the research says.

    There is no such this as a normal sex drive

    Everyone’s libido is different, and the same person’s sex drive might fluctuate over time, depending on circumstances. This is normal. According to sexologist and sexuality counselor Jess O’Reilly, Human Sexuality PhD and host of the Sex With Dr. Jess Podcast, there’s no universal standard or rule of thumb when it comes to sexual desire.

    “Low desire is only a problem if you deem it one or you find it distressful. Some people want sex several times per day and others don’t want it at all, and all experiences can be perfectly healthy,” says O’Reilly.

    However, if you do find your lack of sexual desire distressing and you want to be more interested in sex, O’Reilly recommends looking at whether your libido is low due to lifestyle or relational factors, which could range from trouble communicating with eachother, lacking emotional connection, or dealing with existing conflicts such as fighting over money or kids.

    Reduce stress levels

    Stress can cause various physical symptoms including a lower libido. 

    O’Reilly says your levels of cortisol — commonly referred to as the stress hormone — rise when you’re stressed out, and this can interfere with your sexual desire and arousal. A 2018 survey conducted by the BBC found that 45% of respondents said that stress negatively affected their sex drive.

    However, learning to reduce or manage stress can be difficult. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and support, whether it’s from your partner or a therapist. You can also try stress-relieving activities, such as meditation or exercise. Mindfulness has also proven to help improve sexual desire and sexual functioning, especially in women.

    Understand arousal and learn what turns you on

    For many people, the desire for sex isn’t there 24/7. “Desire does not always occur spontaneously. Most people need to get aroused first, and then they might experience desire. If you sit around waiting for sexual desire to occur on its own, it simply may not happen,” says O’Reilly.

    There are plenty of ways you can ramp up arousal, and thus, desire. Try some of the following:

    • Fantasizing
    • Sexting
    • Watching porn
    • Reading erotic stories
    • Touching yourself
    • Experimenting with sex toys
    • Having your partner kiss and touch you without the expectation of sex
    • Listening to erotica
    • Enjoying music that feels sexual to you

    Get creative and experiment with what turns you on most and increases your desire. O’Reilly says that once you’re aroused, it’s much more likely that desire for sex will follow.

    Expanding your definition of what sex means can also be helpful. If you are not excited by the type of sex you have been engaged in, trying something new can be exciting.

    Let go of performance anxiety

    Performance anxiety, pressure, and stress surrounding sex is likely to curb your arousal and your desire. “Pressure is the antithesis to pleasure, so if you feel pressure to have sex in a certain way, look a certain way, have an orgasm, get hard, get wet, make specific sounds or want sex with a specific frequency, you may find that you lose interest altogether,” says O’Reilly.

    Take time out to really get to know yourself sexually. O’Reilly says that spending time better understanding your body’s unique responses through masturbation can help you to be more at ease when you’re with a partner. She also highly recommends using mindfulness during masturbation, and mindfulness in general, which will result in benefits in partnered sex.

    Practicing mindfulness has been studied with great results in regards to libido. A 2014 study published in Behaviour Research and Therapy examined 117 women who struggled with low desire. After mindfulness training, there was a significant decrease in “sex-related distress.”

    With practice, mindfulness can help you stay in the moment, enjoy pleasure, and let performance anxiety roll off your back. Talking to a therapist or opening up to your partner about your performance anxiety can also be helpful.

    Get enough sleep

    Sleep affects many aspects of your health and behavior, including your sex drive. A 2019 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that lack of quality sleep is correlated to low libido, as well as difficulty orgasming in women.

    O’Reilly says exhaustion can lead to lack of desire for sex.In this case, you should be prioritizing sleep over sex. Once you take care of your sleep habits, you may notice a difference in your libido, according to O’Reilly.

    Address relationship dissatisfaction

    When you’re in a relationship and you’re experiencing issues with your partner, it’s likely that those problems will spill over into the bedroom and leave one or both of you less likely to want sex.

    “If you’re harboring resentment, dealing with a partner who doesn’t want to engage, struggling with ongoing conflict, recovering from hurt and trauma, it’s unlikely that you’ll want sex spontaneously,” says O’Reilly.

    It’s best to work on these issues with your partner rather than sweep them under the rug and hope they go away. O’Reilly suggests talking about underlying sources or tension, and being open about issues. You can do this alone with your partner or with the help of a couples’ therapist.

    Reduce Negative Anticipation

    You might not be looking forward to sex if you are worried about potential or actual negative consequences.

    If you don’t want to get pregnant or are worried about STIs, use barrier methods such as condoms and hormonal birth control. Be sure to have conversations with any partner about your comforts and concerns.

    Some people also experience unwanted pain with sex. This is not something to be excited about. Ask your doctor about any pain or discomfort you experience.

    If you regularly have issues with reliable erections and control over orgasms, you might be worried about sex being pleasurable for you and your partner. Make an appointment with a urologist if you have any issues with erections or orgasms.

    Talk to a therapist

    Talking to a general therapist or a sex therapist can help you deal with underlying psychological reasons that you might be experiencing low sex drive. O’Reilly says this can be particularly helpful if you’re dealing with shame surrounding sex, body image, or trauma.

    There is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about regarding sex or seeking therapy to help with your sex life. This can be a way to examine the sources of your distress. If there is an underlying psychological cause, then simply trying to boost your libido probably won’t help. You need to address the fundamental issue at hand, first.

    Try out these tips to give your libido a boost and you’ll be on your way to wanting – and enjoying – sex again.

Complete Article HERE!

Is Testosterone Therapy Safe for Women?

Testosterone is often prescribed to boost a low sex drive, but the research on its long-term effects remains questionable.

by Sarah Ellis

The hormone testosterone (called “T” for short in medical circles) has long been associated with the male physique, athleticism, and a heightened sex drive. But now, there’s an idea making the internet search rounds that testosterone therapy may be the secret sauce to revamping a woman’s shuttered sex drive.

Even health-conscious celebrities have gotten in on the hype. In 2011, Jane Fonda told The Sunday Telegraph that she started taking the hormone in her 70s to boost her sex drive. But before you run to your doctor to ask for a prescription, you should know that testosterone therapy is a controversial approach that is not FDA-regulated for women at this time. Despite its mythical reputation, this hormone isn’t a cure-all for sexual dysfunction, and it could even be dangerous for your health if not taken carefully. Let us explain.

How Does Testosterone Work in Women?

Testosterone may be known as a male hormone, but women’s bodies naturally produce it, too. It’s one of many hormones that work together to control our mood, metabolism, sexual desire, bone and muscle growth, and reproductive system. As you age, your hormone levels change, with one of the biggest shifts occurring during menopause when your menstrual cycle stops for good. Menopause causes your estrogen and progesterone levels to decrease, but interestingly, it is not associated with a sudden decrease in testosterone, according to the North American Menopause Society.

That said, there is evidence that testosterone decreases throughout your life. “Testosterone drops with age more than with menopause,” says Margaret Wierman, M.D., professor at the University of Colorado Anschutz Medical Campus in Aurora, CO and former Vice President of Clinical Sciences at the Endocrine Society. This may explain why testosterone pills, gels, and patches are sometimes touted by drug marketing campaigns (and celebs) as a sex drive booster for older men and women whose testosterone is naturally lower than it used to be.

The problem with this approach, according to Chrisandra Shufelt, M.D., associate director of the Barbra Streisand Women’s Heart Center at the Cedars-Sinai Smidt Heart Institute in Los Angeles, CA, is that testosterone is not necessarily the miracle drug you may be reading about on the internet. “If you search online, it seems like testosterone could be the panacea of all hormones, relieving everything from fatigue to weight gain to depression,” Dr. Shufelt says. But interestingly, she notes, there is no scientifically proven list of symptoms directly correlated to low T in women. Everyone’s hormone levels are naturally different, and what looks “low” on a testosterone test for one woman may be a perfectly normal T level for another.

Does Testosterone Impact Sex Drive?

To some extent, yes—but it’s not the end all, be all. Dr. Wierman explains that there are many different causes of sexual dysfunction (the term for when you’re no longer craving or enjoying sex). “There are mechanical hardware causes, there are relationship causes, there are mood causes,” she says. “There are rarely hormonal causes, and [in those cases] it’s usually estrogen deficiency that is causing abnormalities.”

What Is Testosterone Therapy?

Testosterone products are supplemental versions of the hormone that people take to increase their existing T levels. They come as a patch, gel, pill, tablet, or injection. Prescription testosterone products are FDA-approved for men whose bodies cannot produce adequate testosterone, due to genetic conditions like Klinefelter syndrome or damage from infection or chemotherapy. Testosterone products are not–we repeat, not!–approved for people whose testosterone is decreasing with age.

Nevertheless, this hasn’t stopped people from taking T (and doctors from prescribing T) for reasons other than it is officially intended. This practice has become so widespread, in fact, that the FDA issued a safety announcement in March 2015 urging doctors not to prescribe testosterone to anyone other than men with testosterone-lowering medical conditions. The statement noted that testosterone therapy could possibly increase your risk of cardiovascular problems or stroke.

For women, the risks of testosterone therapy are even less clear. “What we know about safety and what has been studied in women is the short-term effects, up to two years,” Dr. Shufelt says. “Longer effects are not known, and we do not know the effects in women who have risk factors for heart disease and breast cancer.” She stresses that longer-term studies will be necessary to determine whether low-dose testosterone therapy has detrimental effects on a woman’s body.

When testosterone is taken in excess quantities, Dr. Shufelt explains, it can lead to some pretty severe medical issues for women. “Too much testosterone in women can result in deepening of voice, hair loss, acne, anger, and negative changes to the cholesterol panel,” she says. Dr. Wierman remembers seeing a perimenopausal patient who had been given testosterone pellets at an anti-aging clinic. The high levels of T caused an increase in bad cholesterol, increase in blood pressure, excessive body hair growth, and loss of scalp hair.

Yikes! Are There Any Medical Guidelines for Women and T?

In September 2019, the Endocrine Society, International Menopause Society, European Menopause and Andropause Society, and others got together to publish a global consensus statement on the safety and efficacy of testosterone therapy for women. Dr. Wierman, one of the principal authors, explains the major takeaway: testosterone therapy has only proven to be useful for one specific subset of women–post-menopausal women with hypoactive sexual desire disorder.

Hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) is characterized by an absence of sexual desire, to an extent that it causes emotional distress and relationship problems for a couple. HSDD can be caused by a variety of factors, from medication use and chronic health conditions, to chemical imbalances and hormone deficiencies. It is diagnosed by a healthcare provider using a questionnaire and treated with anything from counseling to hormone replacement therapy, depending on the situation.

Dr. Wierman says that for post-menopausal women with HSDD, “controlled studies showed that getting high physiologic doses [of testosterone] increased satisfying sexual relations by one per month, with some other potentially good effects on sexual function,” such as arousal and ability to orgasm. The consensus statement specified that these doses should mimic – not exceed – natural levels of testosterone in premenopausal women. The statement authors urged that more research be done on testosterone therapy for women, and that testosterone products for HSDD should be created specifically with women in mind.

So, What Does This Mean for Me?

If you’re curious about testosterone therapy and wondering if you fit into the subset of women who may benefit, Dr. Wierman suggests talking to your regular women’s healthcare provider. “I think that most providers, whether they’re gynecologists or endocrinologists or primary care doctors who specialize in menopausal women, can discuss the issues related to testosterone pros and cons,” she says.

But before you walk away with a prescription, keep in mind that your low sex drive may not have to do with your hormones. “The first thing when someone has abnormalities in their sexual function is to discuss all the different other causes of it, and try to be a detective,” Dr. Wierman says. “If she is having painful intercourse, maybe it’s local vaginal estrogen she needs. If there’s stress in the relationship, maybe therapy is what they need.” Testosterone therapy is one option to increase libido, but it’s certainly not a foolproof key to amazing sex. And unless you’re a postmenopausal woman with HSDD, you probably want to steer clear.

Complete Article HERE!

The Pandemic Has Killed My Sex Drive,

But My Partner’s Has Skyrocketed. What Do We Do?

During quarantine, you might find that you’re hornier than usual. For others, sex is the last thing on their mind.

By Cassandra Corrado

Do you and your partners crave cheese fries at the same time? Probably not.

Sexual desire is kind of like wanting cheese fries. At any given moment you might be really excited for them, interested but not actively pursuing, or staunchly against them. It all depends on context and a number of influences at that moment. Just like it’s totally normal to want cheese fries when your partner wants pizza, it is totally normal for partners to experience different levels of sexual desire.

Since self-isolation became an essential part of our day-to-day lives during the COVID-19 pandemic, the number of questions that I’ve gotten from people on social media dealing with differences in sexual desire is remarkable—but, ultimately, unsurprising.

As a sex educator, typically only about 2 percent of the questions I receive are about mismatched sex drive. Last week, they made up nearly 90 percent.

So, there’s no better time to dive into what exactly is happening here.

How sex drive really works

Your level of sexual desire is affected by two things: Your sexual excitement system and your sexual inhibition system.

As Emily Nagoski explains in her book Come As You Are, the things that excite you are like the gas pedals in your car: They’re the “turn-ons” that make you want to do something. Your inhibition system is like your brake pedal. And there are a lot of different things that can press on your brakes, including housework, childcare, professional stress, body image issues, a history of trauma, and, well, basically anything.

Everybody has things that sexually excite and sexually inhibit them, but when we think about sex drive, we tend to think solely about the things that arouse us.

The state of your mental health has a noticeable effect on your sex life. If you’ve noticed a drop in your or your partner’s sexual desire lately, try asking yourself if there are things in your life that are causing you more stress than usual (like, you know, a global pandemic). Stressors can inhibit your sexual desire simply by making your mind think about other things instead.

You may not be associating those stressors with sex, but your brain could be.

In the United States, we’re taught through movies and television that sexual desire is spontaneous. You meet somebody, and—bam!—you’re horny and ready for anything. You know that scene where two people are making out in an apartment building hallway, then tearing their clothes off, and then you fast forward to the duo tired and satisfied after? Though common on screen, those scenarios don’t reflect the majority of sexual experiences. Sexual desire is rarely spontaneous; more often than not, it’s fostered.

That means you might have to create a sexy context for you and your partners to feel in the mood. That sexy context could be a lot of different things: Maybe that means wearing clothing or underwear that make you feel confident, or maybe it means that all of the dishes are done.

Regardless of what your context is, the important thing to note is that you can make changes to your environment that open you up to sex. You and your partners each have your own individual excitement/inhibition systems though, and sometimes they just won’t match up.

What to do when you’re craving sex and your partner isn’t

During quarantine, you might find that you’re hornier than usual. For some people, sex serves as a grounding technique. Pleasure can be a means of distraction during otherwise uncertain or overwhelming times, and the dopamine and oxytocin boost that comes with orgasm can make you feel good—even for a little bit. Plus, you might just be bored.

For others, sex is the last thing on their mind. Both responses are normal and okay.

Differences in sexual desire can cause issues in relationships even during relatively low-stress periods. So, if you and your sexual partner are quarantined together and coping with unequal sex drives, conflict may arise.

When it does, remember that a sudden shift in sexual desire doesn’t necessarily mean that your partner is no longer attracted to you. More likely, it means that there are a lot of things pressing on their sexual brakes. The way to alleviate that stress isn’t by confronting or shaming the person; it’s by having an open conversation about what is going on for them mentally, emotionally, physically, and sexually.

Try asking questions like:

  • “I’ve noticed that we have (or haven’t) been having sex lately. How are you feeling about our sex life right now?”
  • “Since we’re avoiding sex right now, I’d like to find some other ways for us to feel intimate. What are some things that sound enjoyable to you?”
  • “I feel like COVID-19 has affected so many parts of our lives—even our sex life. Have you noticed that too? How has it been affecting you?”

Open-ended, non-judgmental questions.

One important note—the time to have this conversation is not when you’re partially undressed and in bed. Take the conversation out of the bedroom, and you’ll reduce the likelihood that someone feels rejected or pressured to respond in a particular way.

You won’t know how your partner is feeling until you talk to them, so have the conversation even if it feels difficult. You might find that your partner is afraid to initiate sex right now because they’re uncertain if sex is safe. Or, perhaps they’re feeling so overwhelmed by the current environment that sex just isn’t a priority.

It’s essential to note that if your partner says they don’t want to have sex right now, that doesn’t mean you should convince them it’s okay. “No,” “I’m not sure,” and “Not right now” all mean no, so respect that.

If partnered sex is off the table, ask yourself what feeling or outcome you’re seeking from sex. Is it physical closeness? Orgasm? Intimacy? Exercise? Catharsis?

Knowing the outcome you’re searching for can help you pinpoint other ways to achieve it. If you’re looking for physical closeness, maybe cuddling, a long hug, or giving a massage would help. If it’s orgasm, masturbation can be an alternative. Intimacy can be fostered by disconnecting from technology and planning an at-home date. A yearning for physical activity can be fulfilled by doing a live-streamed workout or other safe, physically distant exercises. And if it’s catharsis you’re looking for, try consuming media that you know brings you extreme joy, tears to your eyes, or whatever emotion you want to feel.

No matter which route you take, make sure to continue talking with your partners about your sex life. The number one thing that gets in the way of pleasurable sex isn’t lack of technique, desire, or new toys; it’s lack of communication.

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