Masturbating Can Help You Cope With Anxiety

— Seriously

By Jessica Zucker

Rita M., a 20-year-old social work student living in Seattle, Washington, used to masturbate three to five times a week. But as with everything else, during a global pandemic, self-pleasure has been hard to come by. She’s not alone in finding it more difficult to engage in this form of self-care. And yet, the benefits of masturbation may actually come in more handy than ever. Tending to ourselves is one step in navigating a new normal.

“It has been more difficult to be ‘in the mood’ because, in my head, I ask myself, ‘Why is masturbation something I’m thinking about when there’s a pandemic happening in my backyard?” Rita tells InStyle. Witnessing enormous struggles and injustices by vulnerable populations dominates my mind. Masturbation gets brushed aside and distress consumes me.”

There’s no doubt that coronavirus and it’s ripple-out effects — the obvious fear and worry, the restricted human interaction — have had negative impacts on people’s mental health. Back in March, 45% of Americans reported the virus had taken a toll on their emotional wellbeing, and according to a Kaiser Family Foundation poll, the number of people who are experiencing anxiety and depression has spiked as a result of the pandemic.

More than ever, it’s vital that we try to prioritize taking good care of ourselves as best we can — a call to action that, while necessary, can be difficult to heed. The irony, of course, is that pleasuring oneself is a form of self-care that could help.

“In the midst of a collective trauma response, all of our nervous systems are on high alert for danger,” Megan Fleming, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and instructor of psychology at Weill Cornell Medical College of Cornell University specializing in sex and relationships, tells InStyle. “The good news is that masturbation can act as a reset button. It tells your brain that things are OK, that you can breathe and relax. And from a more relaxed state, energy can again be expansive and you can have access to the best parts of you to make decisions and be more creative.”

“This is why pleasure practices, including masturbation, are non-negotiable, especially in times like this,” Fleming continues. “It may seem counterintuitive to prioritize pleasure right now, but it’s highly beneficial. However paradoxical it may seem, refueling your own tank and engaging in activities that prioritize your pleasure can make for meaningful differences for you and those you’re quarantined with.”

And for those who are living alone, masturbation can double as a way of combating feelings of loneliness and isolation. At a time when being intimate with someone who does not live with us is not an option, masturbation can be the only safe way to feel sexually connected to ourselves and others. As stated in the New York City Health Department’s advisory for safe sex during the coronavirus, “you are your safest sex partner.”

“An upside to physical isolation is that it has emboldened me to engage in virtual mutual masturbation, something I had not done in person or over video before,” Jennifer A., a 23-year-old living in Halifax, Nova Scotia, tells InStyle. “Having connected with my partner only shortly before we all began socially isolating, the pandemic is pushing me to be vulnerable and cultivate trust by sharing my experience of pleasuring myself virtually.”

Jennifer says that masturbating not only helps her stay connected with her partner during a time of physical separation, but grounds her in the moment and offers her a sense of routine and normalcy in the midst of so much upheaval and uncertainty. “It is also a time and space in which I am in control, which helps mitigate the stress associated with a loss of agency,” she continues.

The stress-relieving benefits of masturbation have been well documented — studies have shown that the release of oxytocin, the “love hormone,” through touch is health-promoting; that masturbation can improve one’s overall self-esteem and body image; the release of endorphins through orgasm can fend off depression. So at a time when we cannot be as active as we’d like, are unable to benefit from a wide variety of interpersonal relationships, and are inundated by stress and anxiety, taking the time to masturbate is not only a purposeful acknowledgment that we deserve to feel good at a time of so much duress, but a way to mitigate the negative impact this pandemic is having on our mental health.

“Mindfulness incorporated with self-pleasure and exploration can help people become more in touch with their bodies in a non-judgmental way, and give them a space to experience physical and emotional pleasure in a time when fear is the predominant feeling,” Madeline Cooper, a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist who specializes in sexual health and relationship issues, tells InStyle.

“I encourage my clients to explore their bodies while first focusing on their breathing, and then focusing on the temperature, pressure, and texture of their touch,” she explains. “This is based on a couples exercise called ‘Sensate Focus’ that sex therapists utilize to reduce intimacy anxiety, but has been shown to be beneficial when individuals use similar techniques on their own. It allows people to direct their attention to their own, dependable experience, especially during a time when there is a lack of control of external circumstances.”

While the country begins to re-open (and in some places, re-shut down), so much remains unknown about what the future looks like. But in the face of so much uncertainty, it can be beneficial to look inward, focus on ourselves, and give ourselves the permission to and benefits of simply feeling good, even if only momentarily. Whether it be with a partner, virtually, or alone, masturbation can be a way for us to stay connected to those we love but cannot touch, and, more importantly, stay connected to ourselves.

Complete Article HERE!

Why Masturbating Is Still An Excellent Idea If You’re Coupled Up

By Carli Whitwell

I was dozing in bed a few Saturdays ago when my husband took our dog out for an early-morning walk. Alone, the mood struck and I masturbated. I had a quick, decent orgasm, followed by a rush of guilt. It wasn’t the act itself (I’m well aware that EVERYONE DOES IT). But because I’m coupled up, masturbating sometimes feels like it did when I was in high school — sneaky and shameful, and something I shouldn’t be doing, at least not when I have easy access to my husband.

Before you troll me for being a sexually repressed bad feminist, hear me out. I’m in my mid-30s, and like many millennials I’m still trying to shake off the shackles of a half-baked sexual education; mine was largely informed by romance novels pilfered from my mum and the old adage that “nice girls wait.” So when it comes to talking to my partner about self-pleasure, I don’t really. It’s more like: “I know you masturbate; you know I masturbate, but let’s agree never to discuss it, and we can forget about that one time I left porn up on the laptop.” (My bad.) “There’s a lot of secrecy around this in couples,” says Robin Milhausen, a sexuality professor from the University of Guelph. “Most people have no idea how often their partner, regardless of gender, is engaging in masturbation.”

And we are definitely engaging in it, some of us way more during COVID-19. In fact, judging from sex toy sales, masturbation is getting some of us through the pandemic single-handedly. A study by Indiana University’s Kinsey Institute found that 33% of men and 20% of women are masturbating more often since quarantine started. Another 24% of women are masturbating less, which is no surprise since many women have less solo time to get ’er done because we’re taking on even more emotional and domestic labour.

Then again, there’s always been different sexual rulebooks for men and women. I grew up watching male leads in movies bone everything (apple pies included) while women were slut-shamed for sleeping with sexy and sensitive dance instructors in the Catskills. So I learned to downplay my libido, at least outwardly. Only recently have women been encouraged to own our sexuality, including our under-the-sheets solo activity. (Although we are still very rarely shown how to do that in non-heteronormative ways.)

I grew up watching males leads in movies bone everything (apple pies included) while women were slutshamed for sleeping with sexy and sensitive dance instructors in the Catskills. So I learned to downplay my libido, at least outwardly.

“The pleasure gap is one of the biggest gender gaps,” says Alexandra Fine, a sexologist and co-creator of Dame Products, a line of sex toys geared toward people with vulvas. That gap applies to masturbation, but also to sex. Studies have shown that, in heterosexual relationships, women orgasm way less than men during sex. (Lesbians have more orgasms than straight or bisexual women.) This discrepancy comes down to a lot of factors — from partners’ lack of knowledge about our anatomy to anxiety — but it’s also indicative of “who feels entitled to pleasure and why,” says Fine. “Women are much more likely to think of sex as for someone else’s pleasure. It’s so much a part of the female sexual narrative.”

Milhausen thinks we’ve, ahem, come a long way, but agrees self-pleasure is among the final holdouts of our sexual revolution. “Masturbation is the last bastion of gendered difference [in sexuality] with men doing it far more often than women.” (Interestingly, her research has found that women seem to derive more pleasure from getting themselves off than men do, but that’s a different story.)

It doesn’t help that the self-pleasure industry feels marketed toward men — although feminist porn sites and companies like Dame are making inroads. Changing the sexual scripts we learn at a young age also requires some mental rewiring on our part. Masturbating but not wanting to have sex one day doesn’t make you a bad partner. And getting turned on by a sexy passage in a book and whipping out your vibrator when your significant other is out for a 10K run isn’t something to feel guilty about.

Besides, women are already drowning in guilt about everything — especially when it comes to taking time for ourselves, sexual or otherwise. “We need to start with encouraging women to have more leisure time and to take more time for ourselves… and the sex thing will fall into alignment,” says Milhausen. “But until women have five minutes to have a shower or to go for a walk, or to read a book or to talk to a friend, I’m not going to ask her to go and schedule the time to masturbate.”

Fine, for her part, says she has no problem getting off solo with her husband beside her. “I masturbate next to him frequently,” she says. “Sometimes it’s blossomed into something else. And sometimes it doesn’t, and sometimes I don’t want it to…We’ve been doing that for years and it doesn’t even cross my mind. It’s like when you start peeing in front of each other. The first time is really weird and then it’s fine.”

I’m not sure I’d get off while my guy watches MLB replays on his iPad beside me (go Jays!), but I will say that I recently excused myself to the bedroom for some me time, and he didn’t care at all. It turns out our let’s-not-talk-about-masturbation might have been my own hang-up all along.

And I know what I’ll be doing the next time he takes the dog to the park.

Complete Article HERE!

Why is female sexual pleasure still a taboo?

Coco de Mer CEO Lucy Litwack gets to the roots of why we still don’t feel comfortable talking about female masturbation and orgasm


By Lucy Litwack

From art to culture, education to pornography, the female perspective on pleasure in all its forms is little discussed or truly understood. And yet, from general happiness and confidence, to deepening and nurturing our relationships – and a fundamental appreciation of ​ourselves – ​knowing and owning female pleasure and sensuality can be life-changing.

It’s one of the true gifts of being a woman. Our capacity to experience it is innate, universal and human – and it’s never too late to start exploring its extraordinary possibilities. It’s why, through Coco de Mer, I wanted to create a Home of Pleasure – a safe place to discover its potential; with a brand built by and run by women for women. I believe that pleasure done well fires all the senses; that sight, sound, taste, touch and smell are a system greater than the sum of their parts – and as women, we need the opportunities to explore fully the fun, joy and endless possibilities of our sexuality.

The expression of female pleasure is often criticised or scandalised

In conversations around pleasure, men are seemingly always confident in their voices. They have been taught about pleasure through formal education, the media, and society as a whole for their entire lives, while female pleasure is rarely acknowledged. Even language shows a male bias with a lack of a female equivalent for the word virility. Instead, the expression of female pleasure is often criticised, or scandalised, while the male counterpart is regarded, simply, as a fact of life. Is female pleasure the last real taboo in our society and what is to blame?

Democratic access to, and use of, technology is bringing new challenges that historically did not exist. This impact of access to pornography and other content demands new educational approaches. I believe that this rise in online pornography and the subsequent lack of relevant sex education in schools is a big contributor to the issue. Children of all ages have access to online pornography and other sexually related content in a way that past generations did not – and children are being exposed to this content at increasingly younger ages. The​ ​impact of highly sexualised content, including porn, is that young people, could mirror porn-typified roles during intercourse, instead of more balanced sexual gender-dynamics. Few could argue that the majority of porn offers a skewed, unrealistic and often damaging view of sex.

The benefit of a good sexual education goes way beyond classic birth rate statistics. It has been proven to lead to more healthy gender dynamics, less domestic violence, increased sexual health and well-being, and less depression. It needs to be taught that intimacy is about pleasure and communication, not just sex.

Intimacy is about pleasure and communication, not just sex

For an adult who can distinguish between fantasy and reality, pornography can be a pleasurable addition to their sexual life. However, nowadays as many children learn about sex through pornography ,it can lead to situations which are neither safe nor pleasurable. As the majority of pornography is focused on male desire, it can lead boys and girls to underestimate the importance of female pleasure. Girls assume the focus of sex should be on the boy’s desires – and boys are highly under-informed regarding young women’s sexual needs.

This lack of respect for women’s pleasure puts women at a disadvantage in other aspects of life. We’ve raised a generation of girls to have a voice and take control, to expect equality in other aspects of their life – both at home and at the office. Now it’s time to demand the same equality in our personal lives and in the bedroom.

Female pleasure is integral to female empowerment and I have seen the hugely positive impact it can have. When a woman is allowed to explore her desires and embrace the complexity of sexual pleasure in an environment that is welcoming, empowering and indulgent (and without fear of being judged) it can hugely boost a woman’s confidence and, at the same time, lead to a more equal relationship with men.

This lack of education around female pleasure is leading to an increasingly large orgasm gap in heterosexual relationships. The lack of conversation around female masturbation means that women are also less likely to orgasm alone. The complete opposite is the case for men – this isn’t only an accepted practice but something that entire movies have used for comedic value! While there has been a recorded increase in women buying sex toys and exploring their fantasies, we can’t disregard that many still assume needing lubricant is a personal failure, not reaching orgasm from penetration is something to be ashamed of, and pain during sex is normal.

It’s time to demand the same equality in our personal lives and in the bedroom.

The nature of female pleasure is complex and changes through the various stages of a woman’s life from puberty to adulthood, pregnancy, and menopause; and yet, like masturbation and periods, menopause is something that women so rarely discuss. Despite the fact that over half of the population will go through the menopause and all its associated issues during their lifetime, doctors only have three hours training on the topic during medical school. It has been around for thousands of years – the Greeks first named it – and yet it is still a societal taboo. Rather than thinking of ageing as a negative for a woman (the cliché of a silver fox and a cougar), we should be realising the potential for sex to improve hugely asa woman gains experience and confidence. This lack of communication combined with inadequate education isn’t just causing an absence of satisfaction for women but is actively impacting their mental and physical health. We need to combat the harm being done to women by a society that provides so little support.

We need to give female pleasure the platform that it is so often lacking in the media and in educational spaces. Only through representation can conversations be had that inform women and allow them to accept that pleasure by nature is ever-changing and untamed and should be embraced – imperfections included. This is a huge part of my mission.

At Coco de Mer, we hope to create a space for conversation and education through frank contributions to wider conversations, evenings of education, selection of products centered on female pleasure. It is this self acceptance, the sense of fulfillment, and the confidence, joy, and improved health that comes with education and uninhibited explorations of pleasure that I want to deliver to women. Pleasure and sexual fulfillment shouldn’t be regarded as luxuries; more women need to regard their own sexual satisfaction as a necessity.

How to harness your sexual pleasure:

Think about what sexual empowerment means to you

Is it about more orgasms? Is it about self-confidence? Is it uninhibited exploration? Only you can define what pleasure means for you so take the time to think about what it is that you want. Make a list of the things that bring you pleasure; set your sights on something you want to experience; take an erotic education class, or read a book that could offer you new insights into your desires. Set your own goals, be it trying something new, honing your orgasmic experiences, or even just being more open with your partner. Don’t be scared of being judged, or worry about being embarrassed. Insecurities can block pleasure, but confidence and desire is sexy so embrace the complexity of sexual pleasure.

Have the talk; communication is key

The number one way to get what you want is to ask for it – both in and out of the bedroom. That may be working out what you want from yourself and your own relationship with pleasure or what you need from a partner. Be honest but also try to focus on the positives – what you DO want rather than what you don’t. Look at areas of your personal pleasure journey you would like to expand – that could be exploring fantasies, trying new things, or even just taking more time to dedicate to yourself. Not sure how to start up the conversation with a partner? Try working it into your pillow talk or foreplay when you’re both relaxed and open, and ask plenty of questions.

Invest in self-pleasure

It can be hard to tell someone what you need when you are not even sure yourself. Investing in a sex toy can be a great way to experiment with sensations and understand your own desires and what gives you pleasure. Knowing what works for you is a great starting point for you and a partner to expand your sexual boundaries and explore new sensations together. When masturbating, 95% of women reach orgasm more consistently and faster, and by introducing toys to your regular sexual activity you can see a real difference in your level of satisfaction. Loving yourself is the first step to a happy and satisfying relationship with a partner.

Explore sensations beyond your routine

In the pursuit of pleasure there can be a huge benefit to trying something new. Start small, where you feel comfortable, and then grow with it at the pace that is right for you. Perhaps start with wearing lingerie that increases your feelings of power and confidence. Try exploring sensation play and pushing boundaries to discover things that ignite passion for you – this could be introducing soft bondage such as silk blindfolds, feather ticklers or restraints, or incorporating taste and smell to excite. When you lose one sense, the others are heightened – so lightly stroking the body with a soft feather tickler while your eyes are covered with a silk blindfold can be very pleasurable.

Have fun!

It is important to remember that the serious “perfect” sex we see on screens or read about in erotic novels isn’t real. Real pleasure is messy, it can be silly and lighthearted and even a little embarrassing at times. What is important is keeping your sights on real experiences and your authentic state of being. Make sure you laugh things off and let things go when they don’t go exactly to plan. It’s ok to be imperfect. Pleasure is good for you – enjoy yourself!

Complete Article HERE!

The Woman Who Taught Us Pleasure

Remembering Betty Dodson, the pioneering sex educator.

By

Betty Dodson, the pioneering sexologist, educator, and author, died in New York City on Saturday. She was 91 years old.

Dodson built her career around educating women in the art self-pleasure. In the 1970s, she began hosting masturbation workshops in her Manhattan apartment, in which women got naked, examined one another’s vulvas and then practiced pleasuring themselves with a vibrator. (Or, as Dodson put it last year when asked what happens in her workshops: “Everyone gets off.”)

She was inspired to start the workshops, she said, after attending several orgies and realizing that even the most freewheeling, sex-positive women often struggled to orgasm. Effective masturbation, she believed, was a form of liberation for women, a way for them to learn to prioritize their own sexual experience and reduce their dependence on men. As she wrote in her 2010 memoir, Sex by Design: The Betty Dodson Story, “Instinct told me that sexual mobility was the same as social mobility. Men had it and women didn’t.”

Born in Wichita, Kansas, on August 24, 1929, Dodson moved to New York when she was 20 to pursue a career as an artist. She was briefly married to an advertising executive, but the two were sexually incompatible; she was “not orgasmic” with him, she once told Salon. Dodson said her sexual shame and dissatisfaction led her to start drinking heavily. After her divorce in 1965, she got sober, and, according to the New York Times, it was in Alcoholics Anonymous that she met a man who, she said, taught her about self-pleasure and would remain one of her sexual partners until his death in 2008.

Dodson’s own sexuality was fluid. She described herself as “heterosexual, bisexual, lesbian.” Her attitude toward men, the Times noted in a profile of her earlier this year, was occasionally dismissive. “Men are so two-dimensional,” she said. “If there is anything interesting about them, it’s because of the women they’ve been with.” There were exceptions, though. She recalled with fondness, for example, Eric Wilkinson, the man she lived with for over a decade when she was in her 70s and he was in his 20s. “He was so beautiful. He had the perfect body, broad shoulders, good-size genitals, and tight bones.”

Gruff, blunt, and wickedly funny, Dodson’s teachings have been hugely influential in how women’s sexual health and pleasure are discussed today. Her book Sex for One has been translated into over 25 languages; her self-pleasure workshops are taught by “bodysex leaders,” as they are known, around the world; and she even worked as an adviser for New York’s popular Museum of Sex. “Betty had it all,” Annie Sprinkle, the 1970s porn star turned sex educator, who was a student of Dodson’s, told the Times. “She popularized the clitoris and clitoral orgasms, and gave the clitoris celebrity status.”

But even if the conversation around female pleasure has come a long way from where it was when Dodson was first attending orgies, there’s still a long way to go. Consider her appearance last year on The Goop Lab, Netflix’s docuseries about Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle company. In an episode called “The Pleasure Is Ours,” Dodson preaches how important it is that women “run the fuck,” and she makes Paltrow’s cheeks blush the same shade of millennial pink as the couch she’s sitting on. She also corrects Paltrow’s terminology. When the Goop founder boasts that “vaginas” are her favorite subject, Dodson cuts her off. “The vagina’s the birth canal only,” she says firmly. “You wanna talk about the vulva, which is the clitoris and the inner lips and all that good shit around it.”

It’s a telling moment. Paltrow is a woman who advances and profits from the notion of female pleasure by peddling expensive jade yoni eggs and a candle that supposedly smells like her vagina. (Did she mean vagina or vulva? I guess we don’t know.) But she’s iffy on the specifics of female anatomy, and a comment about women “running the fuck” makes her blush. Clearly, Dodson’s message of open and honest communication around female sexual pleasure is as relevant today as it was when she hosted her first masturbation workshop in the 1970s.

As for her own pleasure, Dodson never stopped enjoying it. As she told the Cut back in 2011, when she was 83: “Last month, I had a knockout [orgasm]. I went, ‘Whoa, girl. You still got it.’”

Complete Article HERE!

How to Maximize the Mental Health Benefits of Masturbation

Experts weigh in on the art of mindful masturbation at a time when we can all use it

By Kayla Kibbe

You’ve gotta hand it to masturbation’s PR team. Since 1894, when one William Kellogg intentionally engineered a cereal so bland as to quell sexual excitement and curb masturbatory habits then deemed not only shameful, but harmful, cultural attitudes toward masturbation have done a near 180, with the ultimate physical expression of self-love transformed from an act of self-abuse to one of self-care.

While god-fearing sexual mores and myths of yore linked masturbation to myriad health consequences including blindness, mental illness, hairy palms and even death (followed, of course, by eternal damnation), masturbation’s post-corn-flakes rebrand has seen the act of getting oneself off absolved and proclaimed not only harmless, but downright good for you. Unlike sexphobic cereal makers of centuries past who aimed to save masturbators from certain mental, physical and spiritual demise, experts today tout the various health benefits of what Kellogg and his late-Victorian ilk once called “the solitary vice.” Today, after centuries of bad PR courtesy of — among other entities — the Roman Catholic Church, masturbation is finally recognized as a fun, pleasurable activity that can actually improve your physical, sexual and yes, mental health.

“Masturbation, when devoid of guilt and shame, can have loads of positive benefits on both our mental and physical health,” says Amy Weissfeld, Certified Sex Coach & Somatic Sex Educator. “During masturbation, feel-good chemicals including dopamine and oxytocin are released into the body. Dopamine, a neurotransmitter, makes you feel good and puts you in a better mood. Oxytocin, also known as the love hormone, contributes to feelings of well-being and attachment,” she explains, adding that both dopamine and oxytocin help block the release of cortisol, a hormone associated with stress and anxiety.

In addition to stress relief, this “cocktail of chemicals” — as Bruce P. Grether, masturbation coach and founder of Erotic Engineering puts it — can also improve self-esteem and confidence, “enhanc[ing] happiness and even social harmony with others,” Grether explains.

Suffice to say, stress relief, happiness and social harmony are all things we could use a little more of these days, and masturbating your way there seems like a win-win. That said, there’s a difference between mindlessly rubbing one out and actually masturbating with improved mental health as the goal.

“Masturbating more mindfully is the secret to gaining these mental health benefits,” says Weissfeld. “Don’t just pound it out or try to get it over with,” she adds. “This kind of masturbation is very different from ‘having a wank’ or ‘getting it out of the system.’”

Fortunately, there are ways to hack your masturbatory practice for a more mentally rewarding experience. While — as sex hacker, international sex expert and sex educator Kenneth Play points out — masturbation is no substitute for professional treatment, there are still plenty of mental health benefits to be reaped from your favorite solo pastime if you know how to do it right.

Here, experts offer tips on how to masturbate your way to better mental health, or at least a better state of mind.

Slow Down

“Way the fuck down,” says Weissfeld. “Remind yourself that it’s not about the orgasm or how quickly or slowly you get there. It’s actually about the pleasure — about allowing and inviting pleasure to spread throughout the whole body.”

In a society that tends to prioritize orgasms — especially male ones — as the goal of any sexual encounter, partnered or solo, it can be difficult not to treat masturbation as a race to get yourself off. Reframing this orgasm-centric view is key to more mindful masturbating. Rather than thinking of every stroke as a step toward orgasm, instead focus on paying attention to how each physical sensation actually feels in the moment.

“Too much focus on ejaculation can limit enjoyment,” says Grether, whose approach to mindful masturbation emphasizes the importance of “retraining yourself to focus on your own body in the here and now.”

“Mindfulness really just means alertness, paying full attention to what you are actually doing and feeling, and not getting lost in distraction or fantasy,” he adds.

According to Kenneth Play, this involves “releasing expectations and being open to your body’s messages moment to moment.” By “consciously training yourself to learn to pay more attention to the body’s signals,” he explains, you become more attuned to both mental and physical feelings and the ways they interact. “This may be a feeling of pleasure, or it could be some emotional discomfort that you haven’t really tuned into during your busy day and are only now noticing when you slow down enough.”

After years of jack-hammering yourself to a rapid-release orgasm, however, slowing down may be easier said than done. To remind yourself to stay slow and steady, Weissfeld recommends focusing on your breathing, “which can be used to both increase desire and arousal and to slow things down to a more relaxed sort of savoring.”

And remember, she says, it’s not about how fast you make it to the finish line. “Treating masturbation as the self-love and care it actually is means taking some time.”

Relax

“So many of us are in a chronically stressed-out state, especially during this pandemic. If you’re too stressed out, you may not even feel super sexual in the first place, or you may be used to using sex as a way of relieving stress rather than a way to get in touch with your body,” says Kenneth.

While replacing a midday snack or smoke break with masturbation has become increasingly common in the age of perpetually working from home, (and masturbation is definitely a healthy way to relieve stress during the work day, as long as you keep it off Zoom), it’s important to find time to enjoy masturbation as its own pleasurable act, independent from work or other stressors. In order to set the mood, even if it’s just a party of one, Kenneth suggests lighting candles, taking a bath, working out first or masturbating when you’re feeling sleepy or less energized.

“The body operates differently in states of relaxation, and your sexual responses will be completely different,” he explains. “As men, we often think of sex as a performance or a time to be in a very alert state. But there is another kind of arousal — that which comes from a relaxed body.”

According to Kenneth, many men have never even tapped into this more relaxed state of arousal, but doing so can have huge benefits for both your partnered and solo sex life.

“It’s really worth experimenting to see if you can find this new doorway into pleasure,” he says. “It’s great to try to develop this skill solo so you can bring this more relaxed form of arousal to your partners, but also just so you can experience it for yourself.”

Try something new

Even if you were raised on a steady diet of unhorny corn flakes, there’s a good chance you began masturbating at a young age. This is great and healthy and we should obviously encourage young people to begin expressing and exploring their sexuality in safe and consensual ways as early as they display an interest. That said, many adults are still holding firm to rigid masturbatory habits they formed years if not decades ago, which may be keeping them from a more physically and mentally satisfying experience.

“Men often get stuck in one position using a standard one-handed piston-stroke, and race to the finish-line, focused on ejaculation,” says Grether. “These are learned habits.”

Indeed, while not the addictive societal ill it was once thought, “masturbation does reinforce habits,” says Kenneth. “If you continually masturbate the same way, you are training yourself to be in that state of consciousness while having sex and for your body to perform [a certain] way.”

Fortunately, habits can be broken, and introducing a little novelty into your masturbation routine is probably a lot more fun (and easier) than trying to kick whatever other habits you’ve been reinforcing since childhood.

Mixing things up can be as simple as “touching yourself in a different way,” says Weissfeld. “If you always use your right hand, try your left. If you always use a massage stroke, try squeezing and releasing, or feather-light touch.”

Of course, you could also try introducing toys, adding, changing or removing porn from the equation, or masturbating with a partner.

Get Loud

Again, many of us have been masturbating from a young age, at which point we probably internalized some residual corn flakes-era masturbation shame. These lingering mentalities may have contributed to certain habits designed to keep our self-pleasure sessions quiet and secret, like “silencing ourselves or trying to be very small, quick and doing it in the dark,” says Weissfeld.

“At first this might be because we don’t want our caregivers or siblings to hear or discover us,” she explains. “Then perhaps because we don’t want our roommates or partners to hear us, and eventually we might be grown up and have kids of our own we silence ourselves for.”

While it’s obviously important to be respectful of the fact that the people you share your home or the other side of the wall in your apartment with may not want to be privy to your self-pleasure sessions, this continually reinforced inhibition can keep us from fully enjoying the experience.

“This is kind of like going to eat fast food in your car every day while trying not to make a mess,” says Kenneth. “Once you are at a nine-course Michelin-star meal, you might forget how to relax and actively enjoy your food. It’s important to practice enjoying your body some of the time so you don’t get stuck in a certain mode, unable to really enjoy yourself.”

Part of this comes from allowing yourself to be loud, or generally take up space you normally wouldn’t when you’ve been hardwired to approach masturbation like a dirty secret.

“Learn to be louder, take up more space,” says Weissfeld, who adds that the act of producing sound can actually have a physical effect on the erotic experience. “Allow yourself to make sound on the exhalation of breath and to moan deeply in the back of the throat,” she advises. “This activates the vagus nerve, which helps move those feel-good chemicals throughout the body.”

If being more vocal isn’t an option, there are other ways to make masturbation feel more like an experience than a secret.

“Perhaps you’d like to dim the lights, or lie on a blanket that’s especially cozy and soft, or listen to some incredibly sexy music, or wear something that turns you on, or use oil that makes your skin feel slippery and soft, or add sex toys to your play, or take a bath, or simply pause in the shower to feel how incredible the warm water feels cascading down your back,” she suggests. “Give yourself permission to spend some time on you, and to notice and savor every little sensation that brings you pleasure while you masturbate.”

Complete Article HERE!

Your brain on masturbation

Let’s get some things straight about auto-euroticism.

by Tibi Puiu

Like all things taboo, there are a lot of myths and speculation surrounding masturbation and its effects on the human body.

There’s even a global movement called #nofap, whose followers (mostly men) are abstaining from masturbation in order to reap supposed health benefits, such as enhanced mood, energy, and self-esteem.

While there is still much to learn about how our bodies react to the chemicals and hormones released during sexual release, there are quite a lot of physical and psychological benefits to masturbation, supported by evidence-based science. Most researchers who study sexual health concur that masturbation is a healthy and universal behavior in the human sexual repertoire.

Masturbation releases feel-good hormones that boost your mood

During masturbation, the brain releases a number of hormones, the most important being dopamine. Also known as the “happiness hormone”, dopamine is heavily involved in the brain’s reward system. Along with oxytocin, a hormone that improves social bonding, dopamine also improves mood and satisfaction.

Other hormones that are released during sexual release also include endorphins, testosterone, and prolactin. These have roles in reducing stress, increasing arousal, and boosting immune system function.

However, it’s yet unclear how these ‘feel good’ hormones differ based on the various forms of sexual release involved (sex vs masturbation or sex with a long-term partner vs sex with a short-term partner).

“I don’t think the science can answer this yet. It appears that the same types of hormones are released but I think it would be very hard to ever say whether or not they are always released in the same quantity, ratio, or in the same way, regardless of the method to orgasm,” Heather Armstrong, Lecturer in Sexual Health at the Department of Psychology at the University of Southampton in the UK, told ZME Science.

“In terms of outcomes, I think sex (and masturbation) is so contextual that it’s impossible just to tease out one specific thing (i.e., orgasm) and say that that is the one thing causing good outcomes,” she added.

It alleviates stress and anxiety

During sex, hormones like oxytocin cement pair bonding, which is why it’s also known as the “love hormone”. However, even if you experience sexual release by yourself, the boost of oxytocin is associated with lower cortisol levels (the stress hormone) and relaxation.

You fall asleep faster

Many are aware that using masturbation before bedtime can ease one’s way into slumber. That’s because serotonin, oxytocin, and norepinephrine are released during sexual arousal and orgasm — and all three of these hormones are associated with reductions in stress and boosts in relaxation, which promote sleep.

Masturbation may improve immune function

The hormones serotonin and norepinephrine are known to boost REM and deep non-REM sleep, during which immune system proteins known as cytokines are released. These proteins identify infections and inflammation, thus enhancing protection against pathogens and disease recovery.

And also eases or prevents pain

Thanks to its immune system enhancing effects, orgasms can also ease chronic pain, which is often linked to poor immune function.

In a 2013 study published in the journal Cephalalgia, researchers found that sexual activity relieves pain caused by migraines or cluster headaches in up to a third of patients.

The authors of the study claim that endorphins, the body’s natural painkillers, are released during orgasm thus numbing the pain of migraines.

Masturbation isn’t associated with mental illness

Some believe that masturbation can lead to depression in some cases.

At first glance, this doesn’t sound like a ridiculous idea. Like all sexual matters, masturbation is still a taboo topic even in western societies, which have made great strides in the past century in opening up about sex.

Even so, there are many people who have been socialized in religiously strict households and who might feel anxious or guilty when they masturbate as a result.

A 2018 study found that about 62% of male participants who were diagnosed with clinical depression also experienced some form of sexual dysfunction. Among this group, myths about masturbation were prevalent.

However, there is no evidence that suggests masturbation triggers or amplifies depression symptoms. If anything, masturbation should help ease depression thanks to mood-enhancing hormones released post-orgasm.

Low sex drive is a common symptom of depression, and masturbation might help boost it. A 2015 study found that female masturbation enhances sexual satisfaction, and helped women have more orgasms when they had sex with a partner.

Nevertheless, those who feel guilty and very anxious because they masturbate should see a therapist specialized in sexual health.

Masturbation is actually better than sex (for most women)

Sorry to break it to you, guys, but women generally climax quicker and more easily during masturbation than sex. No reason to feel too bad about it though, because it helps both sexes. A 2014 study showed that 35% of women who regularly had orgasms when they had sex also masturbated compared to only 9% of women who could climax regularly during sex but reportedly did not masturbate. As for heterosexual men, 95% climax regularly during sex, according to a 2017 study, regardless of their masturbation habits.

But although studies indicate that self-pleasuring leads to better and more frequent orgasms in relationships, many women believe that their masturbation habits can be perceived as a threat, or even an insult, to their male partner’s sense of sexual prowess. As such, many women refrain from masturbating while in a relationship or avoid proposing the use of sex toys during heterosexual sex with their partners.

This widely held belief was reported by a recent systematic review of hundreds of scientific papers relating to women’s experiences, motives, and perceptions of masturbation, where Dr. Armstrong is a co-author. The review goes on to highlight the most common reasons why women masturbate, including “as a practical alternative when a sexual partner was not around”, “if a woman did not reach orgasm with a partner”, or “as a tool to enhance partnered sex and partnered intimacy”.

Regarding differences between males and females in the positive outcomes for masturbation, Armstrong said: “There is no consensus on whether or not there are significant brain differences between male and females to begin with. Further, because attitudes toward male vs. female masturbation (both individually and socio-culturally) tend to be quite different, it would be nearly impossible to tease out whether there is a “biological” brain difference, or whether any differences (if there are any) were because of other external factors.”

Is masturbation ever harmful?

Like all things, moderation is key. Excessive masturbation can damage relationships when it becomes the sole outlet of sexual expression. Masturbation can also be physically harmful when people experiment with objects that should have no business near their genitals, nevermind inside them.

“There are very few risks associated with masturbation. Skin irritation may be associated with frequent masturbation if adequate lubrication is not used,” Armstrong said.

There are many myths, however, that claim masturbation can cause prostate cancer (false), is addictive (the American Psychological Association doesn’t recognize masturbation as an addiction), is not safe while pregnant (false), that vibrators cause nerve damage (false), lowers sperm count (false, men don’t have a finite amount of sperm), or lowers testosterone (false — the idea dates from Greek and Roman times, but has no scientific evidence to back it up).

A note on porn

In this day and age, masturbation often goes hand in hand with porn usage. While masturbation, in and of itself, is generally healthy and normal, excessive consumption of video pornography can be associated with some negative effects.

Porn use can hijack the brain’s neural wiring, leading to a surge of unnaturally high levels of dopamine that can damage the reward system. Long-term, frequent use of pornography is also associated with sexual dysfunction, lower levels of marital quality and commitment to one’s romantic partner. Some researchers have gone as far as likening porn use to substance abuse.

“It’s very difficult to separate out porn use from masturbation. Also, there could be differences between porn use without masturbation vs. masturbation without porn use vs. porn use with masturbation without orgasm vs. porn use with masturbation including orgasm. I think the jury’s still out as well on the positive and negative effects of porn use. It appears that for the majority of people, porn use is not problematic.  For the minority that do experience problematic porn use, it’s difficult to say whether porn itself leads to problematic use, or if the problematic use is the result (or a side effect) of other factors,” Armstrong said.

Bottom line: Masturbation is a healthy, normal, and very common (universal) form of human sexual behavior. However, sometimes it can have negative effects on mental health if people feel guilty about it, which is why it’s important to normalize it and have conversations about it. Porn use is a different discussion, but in order to reap the full benefits of masturbation, one should stay clear of excessive consumption of pornography.

Complete Article HERE!

5 Expert-Approved Ways To Spice Up Your Sex Life

By Hannah Coates

Has your sex life taken something of a nosedive in recent months? It’s likely, at this point in lockdown, that the answer is yes, since the majority of us fall into one of two camps: those who have been unable to see (or meet new) sexual partners; and those who have now been inseparable from the apple of their eye for a little bit too long. Throw in the stress and anxiety caused by current events, and it’s no wonder our libidos are feeling the effect. Research has shown that not only are we having sex less in lockdown, the quality of the sex we are having is lower.

So as lockdown restrictions start to ease, what can we do to spice up our sex lives? Here, Mia Sabat, sex therapist at Emjoy, offers her expert advice.

Try listening to audio erotica

Tapping into our senses is an excellent way to address a flagging sex drive, and Sabat recommends audio erotica to help revive the libido, stimulate the mind and reconnect with your own – and your partner’s – sexuality. “One of its primary functions is to appeal to the body’s most important, and often neglected, sex organ: the brain,” she says. “Research has actually shown that listening to erotica can be one of the most successful practices women can utilise to achieve sexual satisfaction.”

Unlike pornography, which tends to cater to a male audience and focuses on the visual side of sex, audio erotica delivers the script via sound, encouraging our imaginations to go wild. “It’s great for couples because, when listening, each individual can engage with their own fantasies, preferences and turn-ons, while still connecting over the same storyline or narrative, as they act out the story that is being told.” Sabat says. Emjoy is but one of an array of audio erotica apps that offers guided sessions to get you started.

Consider the kind of pornography you watch

Since many forms of pornography are created with a male viewer in mind, it’s a good idea to look for erotica that is being made by women, for women, and that appeals to both sexes. “The story you watch is so important when choosing any form of erotica,” says Sabat. “And because of this I recommend women engage with porn that is going to engage their mind first and foremost, so that their pleasure, preferences and fantasies are able to come to life. By engaging with less conventional and more creative forms of pornography, individuals are better able to cultivate their sexual energy, because it allows people to connect their brains to their sexual desires more tangibly.”

Experiment with touch

Consider incorporating touching “rules” to up the ante on your intimate time together. “You may want to lie together, listening to an audio story, with a no-hands policy in place,” suggests Sabat. “Equally, you might be curious about experimenting with mutual masturbation. My best advice is to let the story build heat and tension between you and your partner and to enjoy that feeling – the mind is so powerful!”

Schedule sex

It may sound a bit, well, unsexy, but making plans for intimacy can actually ensure you look forward to and enjoy precious time together: “Not only will you both feel mounting excitement by looking forward to it throughout the day, but you’ll both feel less on edge, knowing what to expect. Use this dedicated day or hour as a special time for intimacy, exploration and play, and engage with one another’s pleasures,” says Sabat.

Masturbate and explore yourself

“It’s important to remember every sexual experience begins within ourselves, and masturbation embodies this journey. Beyond stimulating our sex drive, self-pleasure allows us to connect with our minds and bodies within a context we often aren’t able to explore,” says Sabat. “It can help us really focus on what we enjoy, without worrying about anyone else, and this can be excellent for both our own wellbeing and our sex life as a whole.” Getting to know our bodies allows us to understand what makes us tick, what doesn’t, and importantly makes us better able to communicate what we want and need, with confidence.

Complete Article HERE!

Masturbating techniques from a self-love sexpert

(A timely message as National Masturbation Month come to an end)

By

This May is #masturbationmonth – and these imaginative masturbating ideas will level up your self-loving techniques

There is no shame is self-pleasure. In fact, more and more women are recognising masturbating as a form of  sexual self-care (read: wellness). Because the fact is, when you reach climax, your body really does release chemicals which encourage mental wellbeing, something we need more than ever right now. This month is known as Masturbation May, a national celebration of self-love. With all of us having more time on our hands, we asked journalist and sex educator Alix Fox (her portfolio includes being a script consultant for hit Netflix series Sex Education and resident X-rated Agony Aunt for Channel 4’s The Sex Clinic) for her expert, imaginative ideas on how to level up your masturbating techniques, and lead your own personal re-vulva-lution this #MasturbationMay.

Right, it’s time to go and practice some sexual wellness during lockdown.

Massage your hands before your glands 

Giving yourself a hand massage – there are great tutorials on YouTube – is a fantastic way to wind down as part of a self-care routine…and helps distribute silky, softening, sensual oil over your mitts before you caress your bits. It’s especially enjoyable if you’ve been typing all day.  WooWoo Bliss Arousal Oil does excellent double duty, containing CBD and aloe vera, as well as geranium extracts for a heavenly scent.

Learn the subtle art of ‘self sensate focus’

Becoming more aware of tiny, everyday scrumptious sensations can help you ‘tune into’ your body, heightening your ability to feel thrills, and giving you clues as to new kinds of touches or erogenous zones that you could harness for sexual satisfaction. For instance, when you’re in the shower, move your attention slowly from your head to your toes, noticing how the water feels in each place. As you apply lotion, see how it feels to flutter your fingers on your thighs, or grip your own wrists.

When you notice something that feels luscious, like a beautiful smell, a cool breeze, or the sounds of nature, take an extra moment to savour it. It sounds deceptively simple, but the more you get used to honing in on small, delightful sensations, the easier it is to practise in an erotic context.

Get lippy 

Partnered sex often starts with kissing, yet in solo sex the lips are frequently neglected. Apply a little balm, and try stroking and pressing your lips with a fingertip as a form of “for-me foreplay” – some women find this really turns them on. Sucking and licking your fingers or toys during masturbation can be highly erotic too, and connects you with your own intimate scent and taste.

Enjoy a little pain (au chocolat) 

A degree of controlled, consensual pain is deliciously pleasurable for many people, as it triggers the body to release endorphins which can give a blissed-out, floaty feeling…but it doesn’t occur to a lot of us to experiment with BDSM without a partner. Explore how it feels to pinch your nipples or slap your bum cheeks with a paddle or crop as you masturbate.

Invest in some coloured wax play candles and drip hot drops artfully on your skin, painting patterns as you savour the sizzle, then taking artful x-rated self-portraits afterwards: I’m a big believer in the body-acceptance and esteem-raising power of taking sexy photos for no-one but yourself.

Combine ‘oh la la’ with ‘ha ha’ 

Good times come in many forms, and masturbation doesn’t always have to be slinky and sultry, or a hallowed spiritual experience. One of the loveliest things about solo sex is that it’s entirely on your terms. Try getting comfy in bed or on a ‘pleasure picnic’ blanket spread on the floor; have your favourite snacks, drinks and toys set out; and play a comedy series on your TV or laptop while you have a leisurely play with yourself.

The world’s largest global survey of masturbation habits, carried out by toy company Tenga, found that 90 per cent of Brits state that self-touch positively boosts their mood and sense of wellbeing; add the old adage that ‘laughter is the best medicine’, and lazy night of climaxing and cackling at Park & Rec could be just what the doctor ordered if you’re feeling low.

Add the latest power tools to your ‘downstairs DIY’ kit 

Innovative new sex toy designs mean there’s no need to ration yourself solely to vibration. The Zumio X looks like nothing you’ve seen before – kinda like a water flosser for vagina dentata – but instead of buzzing, its pinpoint tip moves in miniscule circles, delivering sensation that’s intense, precise, yet oh so quiet it should be sponsored by Bjork. Then there’s the Womanizer Premium – this time looking like an ear thermometer – which uses pulses of air to caress the clitoris and quickly coax out an orgasm like some kind of coochie conjuror (a vagician?!). The Smart Silence feature means it automatically turns off when you take it away from your body, so you’re not frantically jabbing at buttons trying to shut it down before throwing it out the window in a panic if you’re accidentally interrupted by kids or flatmates.

Use the fabric of your imagination

For a new take on breast stimulation, wear a top woven from a sensual material – think a loose silky-satin vest, or a super-soft fluffy jumper, without a bra – and use the fabric to tease yourself instead of touching your chest directly. Gradually, languidly draw the garment up and down the side curves of each breast; graze it over the nipples; and use it to cup and slide against the undersides scintillatingly slowly. Need to stay silent? Slip your knickers off and stuff them in your mouth as a gag, or hoist up the folds of your T-shirt or even a long skirt using your teeth, preferably in front of a mirror so you can see how hot you look. Filth.

Complete Article HERE!

Sexual healing

– using lockdown to ignite desire

Home truths: sex boosts our mood and increases feelings of connection.

This could be the perfect time for couples to boost their sex life

By Karen Gurney

For many of us right now, sex couldn’t be further from our minds. Our usual routines have been turned upside down and the way we are living can be challenging for even the most harmonious of relationships. But what if we viewed this time as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to reset and refresh our sex lives?

The fact that sex isn’t a priority for a large proportion of people fits with findings from sex research along with, well, common sense. Stress and anxiety are known to reduce our sexual desire and a preoccupation with the news, our finances, the health of our loved ones, or how much is in our store cupboards, can understandably slow the wheels of our sex life to a standstill.

But for some of us, the opposite happens. Sex boosts our mood and increases our feelings of connection and wellbeing. Some people are motivated to have sex to relieve stress or find that they naturally feel more sexual in times of fear and anxiety, so for them desire might be on the up and an important means of coping.

For the good of your relationship, it’s worth considering whether you know how each of you relates to sex in times of stress and make this knowledge explicit. How does dramatic change affect the libidos of you and your partner? What if one of you sees a rise and the other a fall in sexual appetite in the next few months? How can you manage this discrepancy? Research shows again and again that it’s not the difference that can be damaging, but the lack of discussion and acknowledgement around it.

It’s also useful to know a little bit about how desire actually works. We have been socialised to understand sexual desire as a drive, a feeling you have out of the blue. It’s true that many of us experience these feelings – and more so in the early years of a relationship – but this is certainly not the only way to experience desire, and definitely not the most common way in a long-term relationship.

Every day of the week I see evidence of the 34% of women and 15% of men in the UK with concerns about their lessening interest in sex as they arrive at my clinic for counselling. The truth about desire is that we don’t truly understand how it operates and, if we did, we’d manage our sex lives very differently indeed.

This is the opportunity we have ahead of us right now and some of us may be in the right headspace to take advantage of it.

It’s important to know that in long-term relationships, many people don’t ever feel like sex out of the blue, but instead need to have their desire triggered. These are the people who say to me in therapy: “I never feel like having sex, but when we do it’s great and I say to my partner, we should do this more often!” This is a normal manifestation of desire in a long-term relationship and not feeling like it from the outset shouldn’t be something to worry about.

Our societal expectations of desire have trickled down from the findings of sex science in the middle of the last century, as pioneers such as Alfred Kinsey, and Masters and Johnson made headlines with the study of human sexuality and how sex “worked”.

In sex research, the popular view of the time was that desire came first, before our bodies become aroused. When I speak to my clients for therapy, I hear the practical legacy of this societal understanding: “We don’t kiss passionately other than as part of sex”; “I never feel like it so I avoid going to bed at the same time as him/her so he/she doesn’t get the wrong idea.”

Over the decades, attitudes and understanding have progressed and we know now that sexual desire is a more complex process. Often we can start from a position that isn’t triggered by sexual longing alone, but other factors – think “stress relief” or “wanting to feel connected” or even “wanting to feel like it”. This motivation – which is neither a sex drive nor unbridled lust – encourages us to either make advances, or be open to advances in the right circumstances. Only once there is sexual stimuli – such as a passionate kiss – might desire then make an appearance. This means we’re often instinctively doing the very opposite of what our desire might need, and curtailing any opportunity we have to trigger it.

When I talk through these newer understandings of desire with my clients, it can be a complete game changer. Not only do they realise that they are not broken, but they understand that the way they have been managing their sex lives is all wrong.

Waiting to feel like it in the context of a busy life when you only have half an hour alone together a day and you’re both exhausted, does not constitute “the right circumstances” and is very unlikely to work anyhow. All the elements that we rely on to fuel sexual desire, such as novelty, a lack of pressure that “A must lead to B” and a lack of predictability, make it even more challenging in long-term relationships. Challenging, but not in the slightest bit impossible.

Another danger is to assume that sex should be the last thing on our minds at the moment, with so much else to worry about. Even though it is viewed in our society as a frivolous recreational pursuit, it is anything but. Sex meets psychological and relational needs, and sexual satisfaction has been shown to boost mood, self-esteem and wellbeing.

A good sex life has also been shown to act as a buffer against a drop in relationship satisfaction – and I think we can all agree that feeling connected to our partners and experiencing improved psychological wellbeing are important right now.

In this sense, there is no better time for many couples to nourish their desire. Long-term monogamous relationships bring with them the most challenges for maintaining desire – especially for women – and there are many reasons for this. One is the dilution of our roles as sexual partners by the prevalence of other less sexy roles, such as being housemates or co-parents.

Many of us currently find ourselves suddenly seeing an increase in the amount of childcare in our day, or by the introduction of a new role at home together – as work colleagues. These changes are necessary and temporary, but risk the squeezing out of any time we might have left to relate to each other as sexual partners.

There are two ways we can respond to this. One is to increase the moments in the day we relate to each other as sexual partners, which I call “sexual currency”. Sexual currency can be defined as anything that’s not “sex”, but you would only do with a partner. It might look like a five-second lingering kiss rather than a peck on the cheek, a suggestive glance, a compliment, an unexpected touch as you pass each other in the kitchen. Sexual currency not only marks out and reminds you both of your role as sexual partners, but can also be a stepping stone to a natural transition to more sexual ground, should you wish to head in that direction. Sexual currency is also, of course, a trigger for desire.

The second change you could make is thinking about how you spend the time you have together. Research tells us that couples who engage in challenging, exciting or fun activities together have more desire than couples who spend that time doing something else (think Netflix). This means that swapping one of those evenings watching TV to cook something elaborate together, play a game or even planning where you’ll go when you can finally travel again, could be just what you need to feel connected sexually.

Only you can know whether this time is fertile ground for your sex life or not – and whether you use these weeks to nurture it, or put it on hold. One thing is for sure – your sex life is unlikely to be unaffected by the strange and difficult times we find ourselves in

Dr Karen’s top three tips for boosting desire

Stop Faking It Faking orgasms reinforces the sexual scripts we currently have available to us by creating the illusion that women are just as satisfied by the way sex is happening as men are. Faking it also affirms the false belief held by society that most women can come from penetrative sex.

Plan time for each other The mistake many couples make is waiting for desire to emerge without doing anything to encourage it, so no desire emerges. The key thing here is that having a good sex life is not always about needing to be on the same page, or wanting as much sex as your partner, but the success with which you navigate these differences.

Plan time for yourself Masturbation provides a great opportunity for people to enjoy their sexuality outside of a relationship, connect with their sexuality, know what works for them, and trigger arousal and desire.

Complete Article HERE!

Happy Masturbation Month 2020!

It’s May!

It’s National Masturbation Month!
YES darling, there is such a thing.

masturbaion month

Tra la! It’s May!
The lusty month of May!
That darling month when ev’ryone throws
Self-control away.
It’s time to do
A wretched thing or two,

And try to make each precious day
One you’ll always rue!
It’s May! It’s May!
The month of “yes you may,”
The time for ev’ry frivolous whim,
Proper or “im.”
It’s wild! It’s gay!
A blot in ev’ry way.
The birds and bees with all of their vast
Amorous past
Gaze at the human race aghast,
The lusty month of May.
— Alan Jay Lerner

 

GO AHEAD Squeeze one out! Diddle yourself senseless!

It’s the patriotic thing to do.

Let’s All MASTURBATE!

jillin off life is too shortowes me money

Is it normal to masturbate when you’re in a relationship?

Worried about your partner’s masturbatory habits? Here’s everything you need to know about masturbation when you’re in a relationship.

By

Whether you’re worried it means your partner doesn’t find you attractive anymore, would rather wank than have sex with you, or they have a sexual desire that’s not being met in your sex life, please know masturbation – even in a relationship – is perfectly healthy and normal. What’s more, it can also be really, really hot. Still not convinced? Read on.

Why do people masturbate?

Despite the stigma and misconceptions surrounding masturbation – where a person stimulates themselves sexually, whether by hand or using sex toys – masturbation is normal for people of all ages, gender identities and sexualities. ‘Not only is it totally normal for your partner to masturbate, it’s good for them. And it can be good for you both as a couple, too,’ says sex educator for Tenga, writer, and broadcaster Alix Fox.

Whether you’re single, casually dating or in a long-term monogamous relationship, masturbation should be a healthy part of your life. There are many reasons why people masturbate, including:

‘Masturbation is a form of self pleasure and self-care and in some ways can offer us different elements to having sex with another person,’ says psychosexual therapist and sex therapist for LELO, Kate Moyle. ‘Like sex, there can be many reason for why we might masturbate, and sometimes partners can jump to assumptions that aren’t helpful for either of you.’

We shouldn’t naturally feel threatened when a partner masturbates. But if you notice a change in your sex life and are unhappy with it, or if you feel your partner isn’t engaging in couple sex as much, Moyle says it’s worth discussing this with them.

Is it normal for your partner to masturbate?

Thanks to stigma, shame and misinformation, masturbation has a bad rep. A global survey of over 10,000 people by Tenga found just 17 per cent of British women learned about masturbation during sex education lessons. ‘As a result, many associate it with shame, dirtiness and taboo – negative messages that are unfortunately frequently delivered by religious and cultural influences, and often not corrected by teachers or media,’ Fox explains.

Some of us may also worry that if our partner masturbates, they aren’t fulfilled by partnered sex with us.

Some of us may also worry that if our partner masturbates, it’s a sign they don’t want (or aren’t fulfilled by) partnered sex with us, but this is usually not the case. ‘Some folks see it as a judgment, rejection, or a signal that something’s wrong with the relationship,’ Fox says.

This may be why so many of us aren’t truthful about how often we masturbate when our partners ask. According to the Tenga research, 38 per cent of men and 34 per cent of women have lied about their masturbatory habits, while 37 per cent have avoided talking to their partner about it at all.

Will masturbation impact your relationship?

If your partner still enjoys solo sex on occasion, it’s unlikely to be a sign that they’re no longer attracted to you. They might have a high sex drive or simply enjoy the release. But why would they choose to masturbate instead of having sex with you?

‘Sometimes they might simply fancy a solo session because it’s generally a faster way of getting a little sweet relief than coupled sex,’ Fox says.

‘They might not want to impose on you if they suspect you may be busy or not in the mood. They might feel tired and want to relax, but worry they don’t have the energy to “perform” and please you.’

The benefits of your partner masturbating

While it might make you feel left out or confused, if your partner still masturbates regularly alongside enjoying sex with you, it actually comes with a number of health benefits:

• Masturbation makes you better at sex

Masturbating can make someone better at partnered sex, and make them enjoy sex in a couple more, too. ‘I am a huge advocate for masturbation as a means of exploring and discovering your own intimate likes and dislikes, and what particular moves, motions, sex toys and tricks make you feel great,’ Fox says. ‘Once you figure out how to enjoy yourself, by yourself, for yourself, it’s so much easier to have satisfying, scintillating sexual experiences with a partner if you wish.’

A common misconception is that people should only masturbate when they’re younger and before they’re in a healthy, fulfilling sexual relationship. But as Fox explains, ‘that exploratory process shouldn’t just be something that happens when you’re younger, or when you’re single.’ She says there are many factors that affect your sexual response throughout your life: pregnancy, birth, menopause, hormonal fluctuations, what point you’re at in your menstrual cycle, stress, tiredness, HRT, and contraceptives. Medications increasingly prescribed to treat depression such as Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitors (SSRIs) are known to lower sexual desire and cause absent or delayed orgasm in many people.

‘Something that legitimately felt good a year ago may not tickle your pickle or excite your hot spots so much today, and vice versa,’ Fox adds. ‘So masturbating – and switching up the style in which you do so – is essential throughout the decades to keep you literally in touch with your own body.’

• Masturbation is good for mental health

Tenga’s research found an increasing number of people are beginning to view masturbation as an important part of looking after themselves. 64 per cent of people said they used it as a form of self-care. 52 per cent said it improved their wellbeing by helping them unwind, improving their connection to their own bodies, bettering their self-image (‘if your body makes you feel good, you’re more likely to feel good about your body,’ Fox says), and assisting with peaceful sleep.

‘British respondents ranked masturbation as just below sleep but above listening to music or taking a hot bath as most effective in relieving stress,’ Fox says. ‘And a chilled out, confident person is more likely to make a happier, healthier partner.’

• Masturbation improves your confidence

The more you engage in physical stimulation, the more you train your body to want it and anticipate it, says Dr Shirin Lakhani, women’s intimate health expert and founder of Elite Aesthetics. ‘Your body essentially learns how to feel sexual pleasure and have an orgasm which can in turn have a significant impact on relationships and a person’s self-esteem and confidence.’

• Masturbation relieves pain

Masturbation ultimately leads to the release of neurotransmitters like serotonin, endorphins, and oxytocin which bring a feeling of calm as well as offering pain relief. Dr Lakhani says, ‘The resulting blood flow to the genitals is beneficial to the physical health too, and can have a positive impact on the tissue in the area.’

• Masturbation is really hot

Many people find the idea of their partner masturbating sexually arousing. Whether that’s when their partner is alone (and they then tell you about it), or in front of them, or while they also masturbate (known as mutual masturbation), it can be a really fun and sexy way to be intimate.

‘Masturbating next to each other is a joyfully hot part of mine and my partner’s sex life, and before we lived together we’d send each other videos and elaborate text descriptions of our wanks,’ says Jane*.

‘In addition to the erotic visual/aural thrill, it’s exciting to know I have my partner’s trust; that they feel sufficiently safe with me to embrace the inherent vulnerability intensifies the turn-on,’ says Aisha*.

‘Watching your partner masturbate is a great way to find out what they like,’ says Susannah*.

‘You get to really concentrate on the expression on their face as they lose control and THAT IS SO HOT!,’ says Eric*.

‘For me it’s about seeing someone get pleasure just the way they want it. I basically can’t get my partner to orgasm because of my disability, and sometimes that’s disheartening. When they jerk off it’s almost a more intimate experience because it feels more vulnerable,’ Ruth* says.

‘If I’m not feeling horny and my husband starts to masturbate, it’s not long before my juices are flowing and I’m ready to go,’ says Kate*.

How to enjoy mutual masturbation

you’ve previously been worried about your partner masturbating, but want to accept this is a good and healthy thing for them to do, it’s worth trying mutual masturbation. ‘Masturbating together, or in front of one another, can be a great way of learning about your partner’s sexual preferences, so you’re more likely to know how to deliver personalised pleasure to them in future,’ Fox says.

Here are two of Fox’s simple ways to masturbate together, one’s for the extroverts and one for the shyer among you:

1. Show ‘n’ tell

‘Masturbate in front of your partner, so they can learn precisely where and how you prefer to be stimulated from the ultimate expert – you! As well as being an educational exercise, this can be deeply erotic,’ says Fox. Here’s how:

✔️ Command your lover to sit on a chair facing the bed, then tell them that you’re going to put on a show – and you demand their close attention.

✔️ If dirty talk turns you both on, describe each move you make to give extra details: the spot you’re touching, the speed you’re going, whether you’re moving your fingers in circles or stroking up and down.

✔️ Get them to say out loud what they see, too. In addition to sounding seriously sexy, vocalising what you’re doing and what they’re viewing will help them learn more and commit it to memory, so they can put their lessons into action later.

2. Hide ‘n’ peek

Feeling nervous while masturbating together is totally natural, so if you’re feeling timid, ask them to watch you through a half-open door. ‘This helps some folks feel like they’re the only person in the room, so it’s easier to shrug off their inhibitions, and many “watchers” find the voyeurism of “spying” on their partner’s “private moment” hugely hot,’ Fox says.

Alternatively, have your partner sit behind you so you can’t see them watching. ‘Place their hands over yours, so they can feel exactly how you massage and caress yourself.’

*Names have been changed

Complete Article HERE!

Here Are 6 Lessons I Wish I Could Give My Younger Self About Sex

After years of study in the field of sexuality, there are countless things I wish I’d known about sex when I was first getting busy.

By Gigi Engle

As is my usual Monday gym ritual, I was on the elliptical with one of my good friends, discussing her love life. She’s in her early 30s and finds herself regularly facing down the barrel of dating peril: Tinder dates and emotionally stunted f*ckboys in the all-too-often depressing single scene in Chicago.

As she told me of yet another lackluster hookup, I found myself waxing poetic about anatomy, the need for egalitarian sexual etiquette, and other basic sexual health advice that I find myself regularly giving to my friends. I find it rather vexing that my close friends—friends who have access to me and the wealth of my sexual health knowledge—are still asking the most rudimentary sex-ed questions.

It got me thinking about the women who don’t have a sexuality educator at their disposal whenever they need a lube recommendation. While it might be slightly annoying to answer questions I consider basic, that doesn’t mean other people think they’re basic. After all, as a society, we’re still pretty backward about sex, and when I was first starting to understand my own sexuality, I was pretty backward too. I’m still learning to this day, no matter how much of an “expert” I think I am. (Related: I Tried a 30-Day Sex Challenge to Revive My Marriage’s Boring Sex Life)

While there isn’t an “end” to learning about sexuality (both my own and in general), there are countless things I wish I’d known about sex when I first started getting busy in my teen years. I sincerely hope that these lessons will help other women looking to own their power and enjoy their sexuality to the fullest—even if they don’t have a sexologist BFF.

1. Your clitoris the key to your pleasure.

Man, if someone had just explained what a clitoris was when I was growing up! Maybe I wouldn’t have spent the vast majority of my teens and early twenties wondering why intercourse isn’t making me scream with pleasure.

The powerhouse of female pleasure is the clitoris. It contains 8,000 nerve endings (!), while the vaginal canal has nearly no touch-sensitive nerve endings at all—and that’s why orgasms don’t happen during intercourse for the vast majority of women. So if you’re one of the many people who wonder why you can’t orgasm during sex (I get that question in my inbox nearly every week), it’s probably because you’re not paying attention to this majorly important area. Get the clitoris involved, girl! That’s how you’ll make that O happen. (Try one of these sex positions for clitoral stimulation or get a partner-friendly vibrator involved.)

2. Experiment with G-spot wands and see what that’s like for you.

With that being said, I didn’t know jack squat about the G-spot until I became a professional sex researcher. I had been told, by porn and other non-scientific sources, that the G-spot was either A) a myth or B) was located inside the vaginal canal and should magically give all women orgasms during (mostly useless) sexual intercourse.

Once again, a thorough understanding of what the G-spot is would have made my sex life a whole lot more interesting. If I could tell my younger self anything, I’d say to experiment with G-spot wands, sister! You’re not going to find it by sticking a penis up there, since your G-spot is curved up behind the pubic bone. Do it yourself, and see if sensation around this area feels good to you. (Here’s a full guide on how to find your G-spot and maybe even have a G-spot orgasm.)

And what’s more, it’s totally OK if you’re not into it—G-spot stimulation isn’t for everyone, (Imagine!!! To be a sexually explorative woman without the shame and guilt of not being able to orgasm like fictional porn characters.)

3. Masturbate ALL the time.

Masturbate. Masturbate yourself to the high heavens, my friends. Masturbation is normal and healthy (and objectively awesome). You need to learn what brings your body pleasure in order to have better sex. Studies have even shown that masturbating makes your libido higher, your vaginal lubrication more plentiful, and even makes you more likely to want to engage in partnered sex. (And there are even more benefits of masturbation for your health!)

Orgasms are amazing and you deserve to have as many as you want, forever and always. No, you can’t get addicted to your vibrator. That is a myth. Go forth, get that self-love action, and have fun with your gorgeous body. Go! Go now!

4. Your orgasm comes first.

There is this wild, pervasive idea that women are supposed to prioritize their partner’s pleasure while ignoring their own. It is damaging and, frankly, super messed up. Dear Younger Gigi (and all women everywhere): Your orgasm is the priority. You are not to expect anything less than sexual pleasure and fulfillment in all sexual experiences. (Related: How to Have an Orgasm Every Time, According to Science)

Yes, this includes casual encounters. It doesn’t matter what kind of relationship or non-relationship you’re in; every sexual experience should be positive, wherein your pleasure is considered critical to the success of the hookup. End of story.

5. YOU are responsible for your orgasm.

That said, it is you, not your partner, who is responsible for your orgasm. Ask for what you want. If you’ve been masturbating (like I hope you have), you know how you like to be touched and what brings you pleasure. Don’t fake orgasms to please someone, don’t “take what you get,” and don’t just lie there like a dead fish and wonder why you didn’t see stars in the wake of orgasmic bliss.

Communicate what you need to have an orgasm. Be kind and gentle with your partner. We all feel vulnerable during sex. We all just want to do a good job and have orgasms. If your partner is a jerk to you because you asked for what you need to orgasm, don’t hook up with that person. Ever.

Remember that orgasm doesn’t happen during every single sexual experience, either—and that’s really okay! Don’t put so much pressure on yourself to “finish.” This isn’t a race. It’s sex! And sex should be fun. Focus on enjoying pleasure. If you have an orgasm, great. If your needs were met, you felt safe, and your partner did everything they could to make sure you had a positive experience, that’s great too.

6. Enjoy your sexuality.

Lastly, be a slut if you want to be a slut. This whole idea of “slut” as a negative way to describe a woman who has a lot of sex is just something the Patriarchy made up to keep you down. Enjoy your sexuality. Have as much or as little sex as your heart desires. Go out there and do your thing. Shame is such a waste of time when you’re out here trying to live your best life. (Just don’t forget to do it safely.)

Complete Article HERE!

Want to Sleep Better? Have More Sex

If you’re having trouble sleeping soundly, studies show having sex with your partner (or yourself) can help improve the quality of your sleep.

by Brian Krans

The bedroom, according to the National Sleep Foundation, is designed for two things: sex and sleep.

But there’s one big problem: Not enough Americans are getting enough of either.

However, recent research suggests fixing one could fix the other.

A 2017 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior suggests people, whether single or married, were having sex less often during the early 2010s than they were in the late 1990s — at a rate of nine fewer times per year.

Millennials are having the least amount of sex, but the researchers say it’s not due to longer working hours or increased pornography use.

Overall, fewer people are in steady relationships and those who are, including married people, are having sex less often.

And research has shown that a lack of quality sleep for the right number of hours a night can lead to a decline in mood, libido, and romantic motivation.

That alone may keep you up at night.

Does having sex help you sleep better?

Experts say while there isn’t enough solid clinical proof to suggest that sex makes you sleepy, the basic underlying mechanics of the chemicals released during sex may help one sleep better.

Among other things, it has a lot to do with the hormone oxytocin, nicknamed “the love hormone.”

Dr. Amer Khan, a Sutter Health neurologist, sleep specialist, and founder of Sehatu Sleep in Northern California, says the release of oxytocin has been stated to occur in conjunction with feelings of affection and affectionate or sensual touch, leading to a feeling of pleasant well-being and relief from stress.

“Other hormones, such as dopamine, prolactin, and progesterone, have been implicated in affecting the mind with a sense of relief, relaxation, and sleepiness following the act of satisfactory sex,” Kahn told Healthline.

But everyone is different, so these chemicals shuffling through your brain right at bedtime may be stimulating and wake-promoting or sleep-inducing, Khan said.

“After all the considerations, it seems reasonable to say that a mutually satisfying physical and mental interaction before sleep enhances mood, feelings of well-being, releases stress, and makes it easier to switch off the busy mind to go to sleep and stay asleep,” he said. “If a satisfying sexual orgasm after an exciting foreplay is a part of that interaction, it is also likely to lead to better sleep.”

A 2016 review of research done at the University of Ottawa suggests engaging in sexual intercourse before sleep can decrease stress and possibly help insomniacs initiate and maintain their sleep, making it a “possible alternative or addition to other intervention strategies for insomnia.”

Still, Khan warns, more large-scale studies are needed to explore the subject in more detail. Either way, he says, there’s more than one way to connect with your partner that can put your mind at ease before bedtime.

“As a sleep physician, I would advise people to enjoy their time together,” Khan said. “Physical, emotional, and mental togetherness is more important than focusing on the need to have an orgasm before sleep.”

Then again, some research suggests a good orgasm doesn’t hurt when trying to get better sleep.

A 2017 study out of CQUniversity in Adelaide, Australia found that more than 60 percent of 282 adults studied reported having slept better after having sex that led to climax.

Chris Brantner, a certified sleep science coach at SleepZoo, said women also experience increased estrogen levels after sex, which can enhance REM sleep — the truly regenerative kind — while men get a surge of prolactin, which causes a feeling of fatigue.

“However, like most things involving sleep, there’s a deeper relationship here,” Brantner told Healthline. “Because not only does having sleep help you get to sleep, but getting good sleep helps you have more sex.”

To help increase your libido, Brantner recommends the full seven to eight hours of sleep a night.

“Lack of sleep throws your hormones out of whack and decreases testosterone, which is crucial for both male and female sex drive,” he said. “Sleep deprivation also has a negative impact on your energy levels and mood, which both will make you less likely to want to have sex.”

But what about those without a partner to help release those love hormones?

The power of self love

As earlier noted, people are having sex less often, partially due to having a steady relationship with a partner.

So, what’s to prevent masturbation from being the way to calm oneself to sleep? Nothing, actually.

Nicole Prause, PhD, founder of the Liberos lab in Los Angeles, is researching just that.

Some of those experiments include whether masturbation leads to more quality sleep. Animal studies, she says, have shown males who ejaculated had better sleep latency and quality, but it hasn’t yet been shown in humans.

“In animals, the effect is thought to be due to vasopressin, which also increases with orgasm in humans, so it is likely to work the same in humans,” Prause told Healthline. “Our federal government, however, does not fund sex research, so it is unlikely we ever will receive funding at the level necessary to demonstrate this in a sleep laboratory with humans.”

Besides studying the effects that sexual gratification has on sleep, Prause is also a licensed psychologist who works in behavioral medicine, including sleep maintenance issues.

Masturbation is not currently mentioned in any standardized sleep assessments or treatments, but Prause thinks it should be.

“I think it is a terrible disservice to patients, especially those struggling on their medications, and can increase the stigma for those who successfully use masturbation to manage their sleep disturbances,” she said.

Beyond sex

Any sex expert worth their salt will tell you it’s not just the completion of the act, but the act itself.

As Khan mentioned, hormones that may help you sleep are released just by being close and intimate with someone, even if it doesn’t involve sex.

But since the bedroom is made for either sleep or sex, there are a few small things you can do to keep that space sacred. That includes removing distractions like TVs, tablets, phones, and anything else with a screen that isn’t a window.

Brantner says staring at your phone right before bed can mess up your circadian rhythm, or the body’s natural sync with the sun. Also, he says, research suggests it also contributes to partner dissatisfaction.

“If you’re staring at your phone, you aren’t cuddling, you aren’t conversing, and you’re definitely not having sex,” he said. “In other words, you’re ignoring your partner.”

So, if you’re reading this in bed, put your phone away and talk with your partner about sharing a hormone-filled experience in the bedroom.

Complete Article HERE!

Is Your Partner Masturbating Too Much?

By Cory Stieg

When you’re in a relationship, you might find yourself telling little white lies every now and then to make your partner happy, like: I really did love the way you made the salmon, or I absolutely love that you knit me this scarf for Christmas. But there are some things that you should not lie about for the sake of your partner’s ego, like how often you masturbate.

First of all, you’re not doomed if your partner masturbates more than you do, and you’re not a monster if you are the one masturbating more. People often assume that when their partner masturbates frequently, it’s a sign that they don’t want to have sex with them — but sex and masturbation are two different activities, says Shannon Chavez, PsyD, a certified clinical sexologist. “One is not a replacement for the other,” she says. That said, if someone isn’t interested in partnered sex and only wants to masturbate, then that could be a sign that there are bigger issues in the relationship, she says.

There are many reasons why people masturbate, one of which is to enhance partnered sex. “[Masturbation] gets you in touch with your body and your sexuality,” Dr. Chavez says. During partnered sex, you might be more self-aware or experience more of a physical response to stimulation if you also masturbate, she says. Masturbation is also an opportunity to bring new techniques into sex, or safely learn about your partner’s preferences and fantasies.

Some people just masturbate because it’s an act of self-care, Dr. Chavez says. “It is as important [and] as healthy eating and exercise,” she says. “It’s a genital workout that also helps with mood and is a sleep aid.” Others masturbate to alleviate stress, or do it out of habit or boredom, says Kristen Lilla, an AASECT certified sex therapist in Nebraska. And some turn to self-pleasure because they have a higher libido than their partner, and don’t want to put pressure on their lower-libido partner, she says. But that’s not a bad thing.

Even though masturbation is a part of overall sexual wellness, it can feel tricky bringing up your routine or frequency to your partner. Sometimes, people perceive their partner masturbating as a threat, personal rejection, or betrayal, Lilla says. “A person may feel entitled to this information, or may even assume their partner does masturbate,” she says. “But upon finding out how frequently, they may react negatively and try to find a way to control the other person’s behavior.”] If you feel comfortable, it’s a good idea to discuss your routine with your partner — including how often you masturbate. Take any judgement — of yourself or your partner — out of the equation and remember that “talking about masturbation can be helpful for your relationship,” Dr. Chavez says. It normalizes self-pleasure, and gets the conversation started about sexual needs and interests, she says. “If you can openly discuss it with a partner, it’s a good sign that you have moved past the stigma and embraced it as part of your overall wellness,” she says. And keep in mind that there’s no data around how much masturbation is too much, she says.

Complete Article HERE!

Masturbation Tips for your Queerest, Sexiest Spring Ever

Masturbation, more than any other sex act, is a time to be completely selfish and all about yourself.

By Cameron Glover

[M]ay is here, which means that it is finally National Masturbation Month! You may have seen the memes or innuendo-laced content swirling around social media, but this month is more important than you may know. Masturbation Month has evolved to become one of the most ambitious nationwide efforts to create more inclusive, welcoming sex education.

The month actually has political roots: it was started back in 1995 in San Francisco as a response to the forced resignation of the first Black U.S. Surgeon General, Joycelyn Elders. Elders gave a speech for the United Nations World AIDS Day in 1994, where a member of the audience asked her about “masturbation’s potential for discouraging early sexual activity.” Yeah, you read that right. Her response (which was: “I think it is something that is part of human sexuality and a part of something that perhaps should be taught”) caused such a backlash that it led to her forced resignation.

While this instance highlights the unaddressed and still unresolved issues of misogynoir within this country’s healthcare and politics, it also makes us even more aware of how access to sexuality education remains inadequate. Following the incident with Elders, a local sex toy and education shop, Good Vibrations, continued to push for a conversation around Elder’s forced resignation and the importance of masturbation.

Over twenty years later, there’s still heavy stigma and shame around masturbation. This is especially true for marginalized people, who have dealt with a disproportionate lack of access to sexuality resources that include them.

Here are a few tips to help make this Masturbation Month the best yet:

Set The Mood

Masturbation gets a bad rep — most people see it as a downgrade from sex with a partner, when that couldn’t be further from the truth. Masturbation/solo sex sessions/whatever you want to call it can be a sacred, special practice. If you’re having trouble getting into the mindset of masturbation as sex, trying incorporating the same things that you do when you prepare for sex with a partner. Wear that lingerie that makes you feel desirable and sexy; put on your favorite scents; even read your favorite sexy novel or erotic fanfiction.

No matter the method, take the time to have a ritual to make the experience as special as if you were preparing to have an experience with a partner. Masturbation can be an important part of showing yourself self-love, so why not honor that?

Choose The Right Lube

If there’s anything that you should incorporate immediately into your masturbation (or sex in general) routine, it should be bringing in the lube. Now despite what you may think, lube isn’t only for if you have a problem with lubrication, it can actually help intensify sensation and increase pleasure, which is exactly what we want during a solo session. Even if getting a new sex toy isn’t an option (and we’ll get to those in a minute), new lube can be more affordable and is a good way to spice things up without going too far out of your comfort zone.

I suggest that everyone have both a water-based lube and a silicone-based lube — I recommend this one for your silicone option and that one for the water-based lube. If you do have sex toys, not every toy can be used with each lube; as a rule of thumb, silicone toys should only be used with water-based lube as silicone breaks down silicone. Try different brands to see which feels right for you.

Switch Up the Method

If you’re someone who has sex or masturbates frequently, there can often be the issue of being less stimulated by the same old positions. An easy solution for this can be to just switch it up! Yes, it’s good to know which go-to positions or angles can get you off in a pinch, but masturbation is a special time where exploration is actually encouraged. Try using slower methods — use your hands and fingers to slowly build up pleasure in less-sensitive areas, followed by focus on areas with a higher concentration of nerve endings, like the clitoris, the head of the penis, or the anus.

Invest in a New Toy

If you’re financially able, investing in a good, quality sex toy can be a huge improvement for your solo sex sessions. For people with vulvas, I highly recommend a G-spot vibrator like the OVO E3, but brands like njoy and Fun Factory have quality, reasonably priced toys for a variety of interests.

My girl Sophie does the best monthly roundups on when good toys go on sale. Do your research, have fun, and make sure to

Have Fun!

Seriously. Sex and so much of our lives can be heavy and serious. Masturbation, more than any other sex act, is a time to be completely selfish and all about yourself. What gets you off? What makes you feel sexy? Lean into that and don’t forget to enjoy yourself.

Complete Article HERE!