33 ways to have better, stronger orgasms

— Everything to know about the 11(!) types of orgasm.

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Look, everyone wants to have a mind-blowing orgasm every time they have sex. But unfortunately, it’s not always that easy.

Only about half of women consistently climax during partnered play, and nine percent have never orgasmed during intercourse, per one study published in Socioaffective Neuroscience & Psychology. (Worth mentioning: The percentage of pleasure-seekers who do consistently O during sex is higher for women in same-sex relationships.)

So, why is the orgasm gap so big? For one thing, your entire body has to be ~in the mood~ when you’re attempting to orgasm, says Donna Oriowo, LICSW, CST, a certified sex therapist and owner of Annodright based in Washington, D.C. ‘Orgasms require both the physical and the mental, emotional component,’ she adds. This, along with a few other reasons (that Women’s Health will get into below!), can make them hard to come by.

If this gap sounds all too familiar, you don’t have to feel like all hope is lost. Here, sex experts explain everything you need to know to have an orgasm, whether you’re trying to ring the bell for the first time or take your O to another level of pleasure.

What’s an orgasm, exactly?

Let’s start with a basic definition. ‘Clinically, an orgasm is the rhythmic contractions of the genitals,’ Jenni Skyler, PhD, an AASECT-certified sex therapist and director of the Intimacy Institute, previously told Women’s Health US. It’s marked by vaginal contractions, an increased heart rate, and a higher blood pressure.

But how an orgasm feels, exactly, will vary from person to person. Skyler typically describes it as a ‘pinnacle of pleasure, or the capacity for the whole body and genitals to feel alive and electric.’

What are the different kinds of orgasms?

Each type of orgasm is named for the body part that’s stimulated in order for them to occur, including:

Clitoral Orgasm

The clitoris is the small, nerve-dense bud at the apex of the labia that serves no function other than to provide sexual pleasure (!). When orgasm happens as a result of clitoral stimulation—be it from your partner’s hands or tongue, or a clitoral vibrator—it’s called a clitoral orgasm. FYI: This is the most common type of orgasm for those with vulvas, says Ian Kerner, PhD, LMFT, a certified couples and sex therapist based in New York, New York, and the author of She Comes First.

How to have a clitoral orgasm:

  • Use lube. Remember: the clitoris is sensitive. If there’s not proper lubrication, ‘you can cause [yourself or your partner] pain unnecessarily,’ Oriowo says, especially if you start off using lots of pressure. Which brings me to…
  • Start slow and gentle. Add gradual pressure and stimulation as time passes. Feel it out, literally. That way, you can let your orgasm build and avoid experiencing any pain or discomfort.

Vaginal Orgasm

Less than one in five of those with vulvas can orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone, according to the Mayo Clinic. If you have an orgasm from vaginal penetration, without any direct clitoral stimulation, that’s a vaginal O!

How to have a vaginal orgasm:

  • Lube, lube, and more lube. Again, use lube to minimise any discomfort or irritation, Oriowo says. There’s nothing worse than *that* burning feeling that can result otherwise.
  • Find the right rhythm. Whether you’re solo or partnered, you’ll want to figure out what you like, and then (if you are with someone else), communicate your preferences. Then, the name of the game is ‘maintaining the rhythm when the person is having an orgasm—don’t change it up,’ Oriowo says.

Cervical Orgasm

Your cervix is the vaginal canal’s anatomical stopping sign. Located at the wayyy back of the vaginal canal, the cervix is what separates the vagina from your reproductive organs. But beyond just what keeps tampons from traveling into your bod (#bless), the cervix can also bring on some serious pleasure when stimulated.

How to have a cervical orgasm:

  • Be gentle. Since a lot of people can experience pain in this area, again, it’s best to start gently. If you experience any new sensations while dabbling in cervix play, make sure that they’re not painful, Oriowo adds.
  • Use a toy. Sometimes, a penetrative vibrator can hit those deep spots that a human being can’t. ‘A toy can shake things up with the cervical orgasm,’ she says.

G-Spot Orgasm

Often described as feeling more full-bodied than clitoral orgasms, G-spot orgasms occur from stimulating the G-spot, a nerve-packed patch of sponge located two (ish) inches inside the vaginal canal.

How to have a G-spot orgasm:

  • Warm yourself up. Use your fingers and warm up by touching (or having a partner touch) the G-spot area to prepare for deeper penetration, Oriowo says.
  • Move with purpose. If your goal is a G-spot orgasm, the same-old, same-old moves might not work. Instead, practice ‘picking your positions in a way that will help you to really get to the G-spot,’ she adds.
  • Nipple Orgasm

    A nipple orgasm is ‘a pleasurable release of sexual arousal, centred on nipple stimulation and not caused by stimulating the clitoris [or penis] directly,’ Janet Brito, PhD, a nationally-certified sex therapist and the founder of the Sexual Health School in Honolulu, Hawaii, previously told Women’s Health US.

    How to have a nipple orgasm:

    • Use a toy. ‘There are so many nipple toys that I think get left in the dust because we tend to buy toys for our genitals, but not necessarily our nipples,’ Oriowo says. So, invest in some nipple clamps or even a clit-sucking toy that you can use in *both* places.
    • Dabble in sensation play. It doesn’t have to be with a traditional toy, either. Ever tried a feather? An ice cube? You’ll def want to try different things to ‘enhance the pressure that we receive in that area,’ Oriowo adds.

    Anal Orgasm

    An anal orgasm is exactly what it sounds like: any kind of orgasm that ensues from anal stimulation. For some, this means stimulation of just the external anus (for instance, during a rim job). And for others, it means stimulation of the internal anal canal (for instance, with anal beads, a penis, or finger).

    How to have an anal orgasm:

    • Rimming = your best friend. Rimming, or analingus, is the act of someone performing oral sex on the ‘rim’ of the anus. It’s an important part of anal play because many of your nerve bundles are around the opening of the anus, not deep inside it, Oriowo says.
    • Ease into it. If you’re new to anal play and you’re interested in using toys, you’ll generally want to use something the size of a finger, Oriowo says. (And not the size of a penis!) And, of course, use lube. ‘However much lube you thought you needed… put a little bit more,’ she says.

    Blended Orgasm

    This is any orgasm that comes from stimulating two or more body parts. Nipples + anus = blended orgasm! Clit + vagina? Also a blended orgasm. ‘Bringing in sensations to the other areas of the body can also help to increase the strength of any orgasms,’ Oriowo adds. So, blended orgasms might feel extra intense.

    How to have a blended orgasm:

    • Be intentional upfront. Ask yourself which areas you want to stimulate, Oriowo says. If the clit is too sensitive for dual stimulation, for instance, target the G-spot or cervix instead, and add in some nipple play, too.

    Oral Orgasm

    An oral orgasm can be induced by someone going down on you, and it requires a couple of things, Oriowo says. For instance: Awareness of the giver’s lips and teeth, which can ‘enhance the sensation that a person is experiencing,’ she explains. So, you may want to graze your teeth along someone’s clit, but you defs won’t want to bite them—accidentally or not. (Ouch!)

  • Also, ‘paying attention to what your partner is responding to’ is super important, she adds. ‘If they’re saying they’re about to have an orgasm, continue doing what you are doing at the same pace and pressure.’ Noted.

    How to give an oral orgasm:

    • Incorporate teasing. Yup, sometimes just the anticipation of physical sensation can be enough to increase someone’s arousal. Try just ‘whispering near the vagina, but not quite touching it,’ Oriowo recommends, then move from there.
    • Use your tongue. ‘You can do oral in so many different ways,’ Oriowo says. Maybe you try light, tickling touches with the tip of your tongue, interchanged with a broad, deep stroke with your entire tongue.

    A-Spot Orgasm

    The A-spot is between the vaginal opening and the bladder, ‘about two inches higher than your G-Spot, along the front vaginal wall,’ Oriowo says. You know how you have some spongy tissue in your G-spot area? Well, the A-spot is a bit deeper. If you can’t feel it, that doesn’t mean it’s not there, she says—it just means that your A-spot might not be as sensitive.

    How to have an A-spot orgasm:

    • Incorporate a toy. Because this area is deeper than the G-spot, you might want to use a toy to reach it rather than a finger. Still, you can try to move your fingers from side to side (rather than a penetrative in-and-out motion), and you might be able to find the A-spot better.

    U-Spot Orgasm

    The U-spot orgasm is a urethra-based orgasm, Oriowo explains. Therefore, her biggest tip is to be gentle when stimulating the area, then listen to what your partner is requesting (or what your body is telling you, if you’re going solo). After all, ‘this is the area where urine exits the body,’ she says. (Oh, and you’ll definitely want to lube up, too.)

    How to have a U-spot orgasm:

    • Start with fingers. This tip especially applies to those who are just starting to explore the area. ‘The fingers give you a little bit more control,’ she says. Oriowo also recommends exploring down there by yourself first before doing so with a partner. ‘Then, you know what kind of pleasures you’re already capable of,’ she adds.
    • Then, show and tell. After you’ve gotten the swing of things, guide your partner through the process so they don’t end up accidentally hurting you. That way, they can learn ‘how to do it on their own without your guidance eventually,’ she continues.

    Exercise-Induced Orgasm, or Coregasm

    Amazing news for anyone who loves working out: Some people are able to engage the core and pelvic floor in a way that will result in an orgasm. ‘Orgasms are created through the increase in tension and then its release,’ Oriowo says. ‘Engaging your abdominal muscles, often [is] going to be pulling on, or stimulating, the pelvic floor muscles, as well.’ And the rapid release can create a beautiful O.

    Can I have multiple orgasms in a short time period?

    Yes! This happens when you’re in a semi-aroused state and your genitals are resting a bit, Kerner says. ‘Assuming you potentially transition into the right kind of foreplay activities, you would be primed to experience genital stimulation again that would result in a second orgasm,’ he explains.

    Anyone can have multiple orgasms, but it does depend on the person—some people are more likely to have multiple Os than others, Brito says. And again, depending on the person, their second (or third) orgasm after the first may or may not feel as powerful.

    Jennifer Wider, MD, a women’s health expert, author, and radio host, encourages practicing Kegel or pelvic floor-strengthening exercises to strengthen your pelvic muscles in pursuit of an orgasm. By doing these contractions during the initial orgasm, a second or third may be possible, when combined with stimulation to another area.

    ‘Remember, the clitoris is usually a bit sensitive after the first orgasm, so moving to another erogenous zone and going back to the clitoris after a short break can help,’ she says.

    How to have an orgasm:

    Achieving consistent, mind-blowing orgasms is kind of like winning the lottery. Sounds amazing, but basically a pipe dream, right? With these little tricks, it doesn’t have to be.

    1. Prioritise cuddling.

    In the name of boosted oxytocin, rather than saving spooning for after sex, spend some time snuggling up pre-play.

    Known as the ‘love hormone,’ oxytocin might be the key to better orgasms, according to a study in Hormones and Behavior. The study found that couples who received oxytocin in a nasal spray had more intense orgasms than couples who took a placebo.

    Since you probably don’t have oxytocin nasal spray on your nightstand, try giving yourself the same jolt of the hormone naturally by hugging, cuddling, or making other gestures to show your love to your partner. Your post-cuddle O might just surprise you.

    2. Don’t skip right to penetration!

    According to Kerner, having an orgasm requires a few key ingredients:

    1. Vasocongestion (i.e. blood flow to your pelvis);
    2. Myotonia (muscular tension throughout your body);
    3. The brain’s natural opiate system being turned on (because it triggers oxytocin)

    The best way to get these ingredients? ‘Gradual[ly] building up arousal, rather than a race to orgasm,’ he says. In other words, slow down and build both physiological and psychological arousal. Trust, the end result will be worth the wait.

    3. Focus on positions that favour the clit.

    Wider suggests focusing on sex positions that directly stimulate the clitoris during penetrative sex. ‘That can provide a consistent orgasm in the majority of [people with vulvas],’ she says. Try rider-on-top, which allows you to grind your clit against your partner, or rear entry, with you or your partner stimulating your clitoris. Kerner agrees that being on top generally makes it easier for people with vulvas to cum.

    4. Use a vibrator.

    Vibrators are literally made to help you orgasm, after all. ‘Vibrators increase the frequency and intensity of orgasms—whether you’re alone or with a partner,’ says Jess O’Reilly, PhD, a Toronto-based sexologist and host of the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast. She suggests starting with a vibrator that will target your clitoris, G-spot, or both. A few to get you started:

    5. Think about your cycle.

    If you feel like your orgasms have been meh or not even there lately, consider trying to time sex around your cycle. Generally, your libido peaks during ovulation—that’s about two weeks before your period shows up—so the chances of having an orgasm will go up during this time period, Wider says. ‘There may be an evolutionary basis for this, because those with vulvas are most fertile at this time during their cycle,’ she adds.

    FYI: This is especially important if you’re exploring cervical orgasms. That’s because, as O’Reilly previously told Women’s Health US, some people are more likely to have cervical orgasms during ovulation. If having your cervix touched feels painful but you’re still curious, try it during a different time of the month to see if it feels better.

    6. Make sure you have lube on hand.

    Lube reduces uncomfortable friction and allows you to ‘safely engage in a wider range of acts, techniques, and positions,’ O’Reilly says. Not only that, it also ‘leads to higher levels of arousal, pleasure, and satisfaction,’ she says.

    7. Whip out a fantasy.

    Adding a little psychological stimulation to the equation can help enhance physical stimulation, which is why Kerner recommends fantasising on your own or with your partner. ‘Fantasy is also a powerful way to take your mind off other stressors or any other anxieties you may be experiencing,’ he says. And, for the record, ‘it’s okay to fantasize about someone other than the person you’re having sex with,’ Kerner says. (Maybe just keep that info to yourself, though.)

    8. Try sensation play.

    ‘The simple act of turning off the lights, closing your eyes, using a blindfold, or wearing sound-canceling headphones can help you to be more mindful and present during sex—and lead to bigger, stronger orgasms,’ O’Reilly says. ‘This is because the deprivation of one sense can heighten another, so when you remove your sense of sight or sound, you may naturally tune into the physical sensations of the sexual encounter.’ But before you tie an old tube sock around your boo’s eyes, just be sure to ask for consent first.

    9. Feel yourself up in the shower.

    Sure, you shower to get clean, but you can also have some fun when you’re in there. ‘It’s very simple: As you shower, rather than touching to wash yourself, take one minute to touch for sensuality and pleasure,’ O’Reilly says. ‘Feel your skin, take a deep breath, and bask in the heat and warmth that surrounds your body.’ This can help you de-stress and get in touch with what feels good to you—and that can do you a solid when you’re in bed later, she says.

    10. Take an orgasm ‘break.’

    On a similar note, ‘sometimes taking a masturbation and orgasm break for a day or two can be a good “refresh,”‘ Kerner says, noting that people sometimes ‘report stronger orgasms during masturbation after taking a short break.’ If you can, try taking sex or solo love off the table for a day or so and see where that gets you. A simple reset may be just what you need to ramp things up.

    11. Make the most of *that* time of month.

    Raise your hand if Os are, like, significantly better on your period. (My hand is all the way up.) While that may not be the case for everyone because orgasms feel different for every person, it’s good to take note of when your Os feel the best. ‘Some people do say that they’re more likely to feel aroused before their period or during their period, and that might have to do with hormones, but then other people say that’s not true for them,’ Brito says.

    As an added bonus, period sex has the power to literally make you feel better physically. ‘Orgasm has analgesic effects,’ Kerner adds. ‘If you experience sometimes pain or heavy cramping or even headaches during PMS, orgasm could actually help to relieve some of those symptoms.’

    12. Make your fave positions feel that much more intense.

    Stick to your fave sex positions, but get your clit in on the action with the help of a clitoral vibe. Or, take matters into your own hands by bringing your digits downstairs.

    ‘A nice combination is pressure and friction against the glands of the clitoris,’ says Kerner. ‘That is sometimes why a combination of external and internal stimulation can really enhance and get the most out of the potential for orgasm.’ Make sure your focus is within the first few inches of the vaginal entrance, he says.

    13. Be present.

    It can be super easy to get distracted before or during sex. But the best Os come from when you (either alone or with your partner) are in the mood for it.

    ‘The main thing that can affect a woman’s orgasm is not being fully absorbed or present—fully absorbed in the flow of the sexual experience or having that flow interrupted,’ Kerner says. So, try your best to get rid of distractions or other environmental factors.

    You can also practice some mindfulness before you head to the bedroom…

    And on that note, make sure you and your partner’s arousal is synced up. To do that, communicate before, during, and after sex to make sure the experience is going well for all involved.

    14. Don’t let intercourse be the main event.

    Outercourse, which is exactly what it sounds like—everything but penetration—deserves just as much attention, if not more. Make sure there’s a healthy balance of outercourse versus intercourse during sexy time. ‘There’s lots of outercourse positions that provide better or more higher quality clit stimulation,’ Kerner says. ‘That’s gonna generate an orgasm.’

    15. Practice positive handwriting.

    Communication is everything in relationships, and when it comes to sex, it’s even more so. Positive handwriting is when you help guide your partner’s hand around your body, showing them how you like to be touched rather than have them try to guess how you like it.

    ‘That teaches them the rhythm that you want or the circular motion or the speed,’ Brito says. ‘By you knowing yourself, you’re able to teach your partner how to do it for you.’

    16. Take the pressure off of being goal-oriented.

    Obviously, everyone wants to experience ~the big O~, but TBH, just being along for the ride is fun enough. When you have a goal, you’ll automatically feel more under pressure, and sex is supposed to be fun, not stressful.

    ‘The main thing is not having that as a goal in mind,’ Brito says. ‘When it becomes more goal-orientated, it gets a little bit bit harder to do that because now you’re in a performance mode.’ Try to focus on the sensations you’re feeling instead.

    17. Try yogic breathing.

    ‘Some people have luck elongating their orgasm through breath work,’ Wider says. For a longer and stronger orgasm, she suggests yogic breathing, which is a breathing technique used in yoga where you control your breath according to postures.

    Wanna DIY? Take a longer breath right before you climax and then breath through the orgasm instead of holding your breath during it, Wider recommends. That ‘may actually extend the length of it,’ she adds.

    18. Figure out what kind of foreplay you like best.

    This extends your level of arousal, Kerner says. Touching, talking dirty to one another, feeling up your erogenous zones, role playing, and sharing fantasies can all help draw out the period of foreplay and in turn, help make your orgasm *that* much better. You can also try getting in ~the mood~ by listening to a sexy audiobook, reading something, or watching porn, if that’s not usually your vibe.

    ‘For some people, it might help them to engage in some type of erotica,’ Brito says. ‘That can help someone have a better orgasm because their mindset is there.’

    19. Make it a full-body experience.

    Don’t just focus on the downstairs neighbor. ‘You wanna be able to activate the nerve fibers throughout your body that are sensual and respond to stimulation—so you don’t wanna just start with your genitals, you wanna start with a more full-body experience of yourself,’ Kerner says.

    Whether it’s really engaging all of your senses or experiencing with touching different parts of yourself, like your nipples, don’t count any body parts out.

    20. Don’t shift your stimulation right before you’re about to orgasm.

    Kerner says it’s a common instinct to do something different right before a woman reaches orgasm, like shifting their position or way of stimulation. ‘That can really interrupt the orgasm itself in ways that might make it harder to get back on track,’ he says. ‘It’s important that whatever is happening that is generating orgasm, that that continues in a consistent, persistent way.

    So, figure out what your partner likes, and if it’s going well, follow through!

    21. Lean into pregnancy sex.

    Like ovulation orgasms, pregnancy orgasms have the potential to feel *real* good. ‘There’s so much blood that’s sort of just pulling in the pelvis and in the genitals, and so much of arousal is about blood flowing into the genitals,’ Kerner says. So pay attention to those pregnancy Os, because they might be higher quality than during other times, he says.

    22. Remove judgment.

    It’s easy for people to feel shame or guilt around masturbation, sex, or general sexual pleasure depending on one’s upbringing, Brito says.

    ‘Ideally, you’re approaching your body in a loving, caring, compassionate way and being very curious and open to exploring your body parts, including your erogenous zones,’ she adds. ‘It’s like, ‘This is another body part, and I’m open to exploring this area in a loving way.’ It’s a form of self-care.’

    And she’s right—it’s your ‘you’ time! Make sure you have a healthy mindset so you can fully enjoy it.

    23. Be aware and vocal of how the sensations feel.

    It’s easy to get out of sync with your partner during sex, so make sure you’re on the same page by communicating. ‘Sometimes sex is painful and a woman isn’t aroused enough, or the sex causes some kind of pain,’ Kerner says. ‘Generally, men don’t experience sexual pain during sex in the way that women can.’

    If anything isn’t feeling right, make sure to be assertive about it with your partner.

    24. Don’t be afraid to step outside your comfort zone.

    In addition to removing judgment from your mindset, you’ll also want to stay curious and open-minded when it comes to exploring your body, whether it’s with a partner or not. If you’ve always been a little intrigued by anal toys or BDSM, consider tapping into something new. After all, sometimes the most unexpected things give you the greatest Os. (And you can quote me on that.)

    25. Combine types of touch.

    Didn’t you hear? Only stimulating the vagina is, like, so yesterday. Combining different types of touch can look different for everyone—it could be using your hands to stimulate your nipples while you’re getting fingered, or fully using a sex toy while getting massaged all over your body. ‘The more types of touch you engage in, the more intensive it could be,’ Brito says.

    26. Embrace the mini Os.

    Sometimes, people with vulvas experience ‘wavelike feelings of orgasms, or mini orgasms sometimes leading up to an actual physiological orgasm,’ according to Kerner. Often, they think they’re having multiple orgasms, but they’re actually just little peaks and highs before the climax. And they still feel great, so be on the lookout (feel-out?) for any feelings representative of that description.

    27. If you’re not feeling it, consider why.

    Sex is never fun if you aren’t feeling good about yourself, and self-esteem issues are a particular roadblock on the way to an orgasm, Kerner says. If you suddenly aren’t in the mood or you’re feeling bad about yourself mid-act, think about why, and try to get to the root of the issue.

    28. Invest in a new toy.

    Sometimes you gotta mix it up—I get it! If you’ve had a bullet vibrator for while and you’re ready to jump into more intense toys head-on, go for it.

    The type of vibrator you try will depend on the type of stimulation you enjoy—and the type of orgasm you’re interested in exploring. A vibrating butt plug or string of vibrating anal beads will bring a whole lot of ‘oh baby!’ to your backside, while vibrating nipple clamps will make you tingle and giggle without any between-the-leg lovin’.

    29. Use lube on more than just your downstairs area.

    If you’re willing to get a little creative, lube can seriously elevate your sex game in surprising ways. Try to lube up your favorite toy before some solo sex, or even use some on your nipples. Just remember not to use oil-based lube with condoms (it’ll disintegrate the latex) or silicone-based lube with silicone toys (it’ll damage your toys and cause an environment rife for bacteria), Jordan Soper, PsyD, CST, an AASECT-certified sex therapist and licensed psychologist previously told Women’s Health US.

    30. Maintain stimulation throughout the entire O.

    It might sound obvious, but make sure to keep the stimulation going until you know it’s over. ‘Maintaining stimulation through an orgasm, the entirety of an orgasm can get the most out of the duration of an orgasm,’ Kerner says. Longer orgasms? Yes, please.

    31. Tighten your pelvic muscles.

    This tip is especially helpful for G-spot orgasms. ‘The G-spot is located inside the vagina up toward your navel,’ Wider says. Not only will firm, deep penetration help to hit the spot, but also, some [people with vulvas] find it’s helpful to tighten their pelvic muscles during rhythmic sex,’ she adds. Again, you can try Kegel or pelvic floor-strengthening exercises to help this area.

    32. Try edging.

    Edging is when you’re masturbating or engaging in sexual activity, creating a buildup, and stopping before you orgasm, then continuing the cycle over again. Literally, what’s hotter than bring yourself and/or your partner to almost climax, but then not allowing yourself or them to? Sheesh. ‘That can definitely make you have a more intense orgasm,’ Brito says.

    33. Know your body.

    At the end of the day, you know your own body best. Sex toys aren’t for everyone, just like manual stimulation isn’t for everyone, either. Take time to be with yourself and figure out what you like best to maximize your experience, either alone or with partner(s). ‘Do what works for you, arousal levels should build gradually—some [of those with vulvas] enjoy manual stimulation, others prefer toys,’ Wider says.

    Once you know what you like, you can help others in assisting to give you your best orgasm yet.

    Frequently Asked Questions

    Is there a difference between a ‘male’ and ‘female’ orgasm?

    First off, people with vulvas *can* ejaculate through the form of squirting. However, they ‘can both squirt and have an orgasm at completely separate times,’ Oriowo explains.

    On the other hand, people with penises typically experience orgasms that include ejaculation a majority of the time. It is possible for them to have an orgasm without ejaculating, she says—it’s just rarer. Also, some might say that it’s ‘easier’ for those with penises to orgasm than those with vulvas, which leads me into the next question…

    What is the ‘orgasm gap’?

    This is the difference ‘between how often men have orgasms versus how often women who have sex with men have orgasms,’ Oriowo says. ‘Women who have sex with women are more likely to have orgasms than women who have sex with men.’

    I don’t think I’ve had an orgasm before—what can I do?

    There are a few things to get you started.

    Get psychological.

    Aside from exploring your body—likes, dislikes, the whole shebang—’sometimes, we are having mental emotional hangups that are preventing us from being able to connect with our bodies,’ Oriowo adds. For instance, sometimes shame plays a role when you first start to masturbate, she says.

    If it’s affecting you, she recommends looking into therapy or using a workbook or guide that goes over those feelings. Overall, you’ll want to think about the narrative you have around pleasure, masturbations, and orgasms that are preventing you from being able to have one.

    Consider your lifestyle choices.

    Both smoking and drinking a lot of alcohol can negatively impact your ability to experience orgasms. Smoking can affect your circulation, and increases the risk of erectile dysfunction for men. Because people with vulvas have similar tissue sets, especially in the clitoris, ‘that is going to impact the sensations that you’re having and the blood flow to your own clitoris,’ which is what causes an orgasm to feel so good.

    Alcohol, on the other hand, impacts the ability to feel sexual stimulation. So, maybe skip that third pre-sex glass of wine, and instead fully feel the sensations that might lead to an orgasm.

    Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate.

    Yup, you can add better chances of orgasming to the long list of positive effects that hydration has on the body. ‘Hydration really helps with best orgasm results,’ Oriowo says. ‘We are literally walking around here dry, wanting our bodies to perform at peak levels for our orgasms—but lack of hydration can also lead to lack of vaginal lubrication, natural lubrication.’ So, drink that water!

    Drinking enough water will also help blood flow and your muscles will be hydrated enough to move, both of which will help your orgasm. Wins, all around!

    Complete Article HERE!

Struggling With Sex After 50?

— Expert Tips To Build Intimacy At Any Age

By Juliana Hauser, PhD

We are often taught there is a “right” and “wrong” way to experience and explore sexuality. That’s a total myth.

As a sex and relationship counselor, I’ve seen firsthand the value of expanding our view of sexuality to include topics such as body compassion, clear communication, and sexual well-being. Doing so shows us the wide range of possibilities to explore for a vibrant life, sexually and beyond.

Here are a few tips for enhancing sexual connections using the principles of “holistic sexuality,” no matter your age:

1 Experiment with self-pleasure of all kinds

Too often, we’re told that “successful” sex results in orgasm, placing orgasms as the reason for sex outside of procreation. We put so much pressure on achieving or giving an orgasm that we lose sight of the true pursuit—pleasure!

Orgasms are wonderful, but there are so many deliciously pleasurable ways to sexually connect with yourself and others.

To think beyond intercourse, consider what in your daily life brings you pleasure: the first sip of coffee, your favorite song. Bring your senses into focus and dive into the sensuality of each moment. This practice can quickly enliven your sexual pleasure as you begin to connect with what lights you up throughout the day.

2 Build your sexual tool kit

A survey conducted by Harris Poll in October 2023 found that more than half of women 50+ (52%) have a sexual toolbox to support their sexual experiences. Once you have a self-pleasure practice in tune with what you like and want, sex toys and products can enhance your sexual well-being.

For example, you can expand your potential for pleasure by using a vaginal moisturizer if you’re experiencing any pain or discomfort during sex. Two of my favorite products from Kindra (a menopause and intimacy company that I partner with) are the Daily Vaginal Lotion and V Relief Serum—both are gentle enough for everyday use and incredibly supportive of pleasure.

Preferences change over time, and it may also be time to incorporate some new tools into your routine. Remember to give yourself permission to try things that may end up being a no for you, and keep an open mind to an expanded view of pleasure.

3 Prioritize connection

Now that you’ve laid the groundwork for a deeper understanding of yourself and your pleasure, bring your knowledge to your partnership!

There are many reasons why sexual connection becomes deprioritized once we hit midlife, and they vary from couple to couple. As we grow with our relationships, it’s vital to nourish connection and intimacy. And you don’t necessarily need sexual intimacy or physical connection to do so at first.

A great way to kick-start connection with a partner (or solo) is by completing the Four Quadrant Exercise. Here’s how it’s done:

  • Come to this exercise with vulnerability, patience, curiosity, and an open mind.
  • Divide a paper into four quadrants, one for each prompt: what you have done that you like sexually, what you haven’t done that you want to try sexually, what you have done that you don’t want to do again sexually, and what you haven’t done that you don’t want to try sexually.
  • Write down everything you can think of (feel free to browse for new ideas, too!).
  • If you are doing this exercise with your partner, after you’ve both explored, see what your commonalities and differences are, and use them as a springboard for connection.

4 Seek out support as needed

Even when we incorporate new practices into our daily routines and try new products, sometimes we still need some outside support. Working with a sex counselor or therapist can help you work on your personal goals across all areas of life—relationally, sexually, and beyond.

If you have discomfort during sex, you might explore seeing a pelvic floor physical therapist, an OB/GYN, or another health professional to better understand what is going on for you. It’s incredibly important that you know the best practices for taking care of your sexual well-being, and it’s never too late. You deserve pain-free sexuality at all stages of life.

The takeaway

You have a right to the kind of sexual life you want to have. Improving your sexual life means learning what you want and need, what tools and resources are supportive, and connecting daily to what brings pleasure, joy, and connection—to yourself first and foremost and then to your partner and others around you.

Complete Article HERE!

How To Have Multiple Orgasms

— 9 Tips For Women

Got any evening plans?

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For many women, having one orgasm during sex can be an uphill battle, so the idea of achieving multiple orgasms might seem like the stuff of fiction.

But sex expert Tracey Cox said women are more than able to have multiples. “Because women don’t fall to the post-orgasm resolution phase as quickly as a man does, it’s easier for us to climb back up and have further orgasms in succession,” she told HuffPost UK.

Because we hate feeling left out, and don’t want to wait for National Orgasm Day (31 July), we asked experts how to improve the chances of having multiple orgasms.

1. Do your Kegel exercises.

Disappointingly, having mind-blowing orgasms isn’t all just about having sex and will require a little bit of groundwork before you get to reap the rewards, including doing regular Kegel exercises.

Cox said: “Like the rest of your body, if your pelvic floor muscle is toned and fit, it works better, pumping even more blood to the pelvis (which is great for arousal) and making stronger contractions – giving longer, more intense orgasms.

“Simply squeeze the muscle you use to hold back urine, hold it for two seconds, then release. Do this 20 times, three times per day.”

2. Do work on ‘peaking’ techniques.

They say good things come to those who wait, and no more so than those who don’t just rush straight into an orgasm. Instead, teach yourself to plateau and gradually build to the final moment, rather than rushing ahead.

Cox said: “Peaking involves taking yourself almost to the point of orgasm, waiting for your arousal to subside, then climbing back up again. This trains you to stay in a high state of excitement, following a ‘wave-like’ orgasm pattern, rather than one which starts at the bottom and steadily climbs higher.

“Not only does this optimise the release of endorphins, but it teaches your body to stay in a practically permanent orgasmic pleasure zone, able to orgasm over and over.”

3. Do develop orgasm triggers.

You might think that having sex is your orgasm trigger, but that’s not quite what we mean. Instead learn about the smaller signs that indicate you’re about to have an orgasm, such as your breathing. The more warning your brain gets, the more it will be able to summon the response when you want it.

Tracey Cox said: “Focus on what you naturally do on approach to orgasm, then exaggerate it. If you breathe heavier and faster, breathe even heavier the next time you’re about to climax. If you notice you tense your toes and throw your head back, do that.

“Get to the point where your brain thinks ‘aha deep heavy breathing combined with toe flexing means she’s about to orgasm’! Better get cracking then and make it happen!”

4. Don’t rush into it.

When you think you’re ready to start trying to have multiple orgasms with your partner (or by yourself) remember the golden rule – don’t rush it. For example, you could slowly apply lube to your partner and slowly start again, being aware if your partner is in any discomfort.

Ann Summers’ sex expert Eve Fifer said: “Your body will be much more sensitive after your first orgasm, which means carrying on with heavy stimulation straight away can be painful. And we don’t want that.”

5. Do use different stimulation.

No one likes to be bored in bed, especially your brain. And if you’re expecting yourself to orgasm again and again with the same stimuli then you’re probably going to be disappointed, so mix it up a bit.

“If you have your first via intercourse, you’ve got more chance having another through oral sex than through more penetrative sex,” said Cox.

“A third might be achievable through you masturbating yourself – it’s going to be the hardest to have, so call in the expert (you).”

6. Do take a moment to relax.

There is a big difference between taking a moment to relax between orgasms and just letting your body switch off and go to sleep. Of course it is important to give yourself a brief moment of relaxation (this isn’t meant to be a military boot camp) but stay in the moment and don’t drift away.

“This is what mindfulness is all about,” Fifer added. “Keep your head full of distinctly inappropriate thoughts.”

7. Don’t forget to breathe.

As with relaxing, don’t get so fixated on your orgasm goal that you forget to breathe properly, as this can play a massive part in your likelihood of reaching orgasm for a second or third time.

Cox said: “Some experts say holding your breath on orgasm heightens the sensation, others say if you starve your brain of oxygen, it forces oxygen-giving blood to flow toward it and away from your genitals.

“Continuing to breathe deeply through orgasm is recommended by spiritual sex devotees who claim it means you’re more likely to be able to have a second one.”

8. Don’t forget your partner.

In the midst of all this female orgasm chat, it’s important not to neglect whoever you are in bed with, especially as they may have already had their orgasm and not be feeling in the mood for round two.

“At the end of the day, a woman’s capacity to experience [multiple orgasms], depends on how relaxed and in tune with her body she is, how motivated her partner is, and how little they both have to do,” said Suzi Godson, sex and relationships columnist for The Times.

9. Do remember that practice makes perfect.

As with all things in life, if you want to get good, you’re going to have to put in some practice beforehand.

Fifer said: “Each orgasm will feel more intense than the one before it, and the more you practice the easier you’ll find it to reach the second, and third, and fourth.”

Complete Article HERE!

Keep It Up

— Why Married Couples Should Still Self-Pleasure

By Ashley Cobb

When most people think of self-pleasure, they often associate it with single people. However, self-pleasure or masturbation can actually be incredibly helpful in maintaining a healthy and satisfying sex, whether single or coupled. Quiet as it’s kept, self-pleasure is an activity that many people engage in but rarely discuss openly. Masturbation is not only natural but is actually healthy and beneficial for individuals and their relationships. Many couples may feel hesitant or even guilty about the idea of masturbating while in a committed relationship, but the truth is, couples can benefit greatly from self-pleasure. According to a study published in 2007, masturbation not only encourages sexual satisfaction but is also a healthy practice. A smaller study from 2015 found that married women who masturbated enjoyed greater orgasms and sexual desire, high self-esteem, and greater marriage and sexual satisfaction. If that’s not proof enough that self-pleasure can benefit your relationship, here are eight more reasons why married couples should enjoy self-pleasure and how it can strengthen their relationship.

It can increase intimacy

Engaging in sexual self-pleasure can allow couples to explore and understand their own bodies better. By doing this, they can learn what they like and don’t like, which can be communicated to their partner. Knowing what pleases oneself can help bring about better communication with their partner about what they want and need during sex. Not to mention, watching each other engage in self-pleasure can be incredibly arousing and bring couples closer together.

It relieves stress

Life can be stressful, and when it feels like you’re juggling a million things at once, it can be difficult to find time for intimacy with your partner. Engaging in self-pleasure can be a way to relieve some of that stress and tension, which can make you more relaxed and present during sexual activity with your partner.

It can improve sexual function

It’s no secret that as we age, sexual function can be impacted. Engaging in self-pleasure can help combat this by encouraging blood flow to the genital region, promoting vaginal lubrication, and potentially improving sexual function overall. Plus, practicing solo can help with premature ejaculation and even some erectile dysfunction issues.

It can be fun

Sex is meant to be enjoyable, and while it’s important to prioritize intimacy with your partner, it’s also okay to indulge in self-pleasure just for the sake of having fun. Without the pressure of a partner, individuals can let go and explore their bodies in ways they might not feel comfortable doing during partnered sex.

It can increase desire

Engaging in sexual self-pleasure can actually lead to a higher desire for sexual activity with one’s partner. It relieves sexual tension and can increase sexual attraction to a partner.

It opens up communication channels

Many couples find it difficult to communicate their desires, needs and wants when it comes to sex. By introducing self-pleasure into the mix, you are opening a channel for communication, making it easier for both partners to discuss their fantasies and desires.

It can be empowering

Many people, particularly women, are taught that self-pleasure is taboo or even shameful. However, embracing your own sexuality and engaging in self-pleasure can be incredibly empowering. It can help you feel more confident and comfortable in your own skin, which can ultimately lead to a more fulfilling sex life with your partner.

It can help you avoid pressure on your partner

In some relationships, there may be a pressure or expectation on one partner to be solely responsible for the other’s pleasure. This can be incredibly stressful and put unnecessary pressure on the partner in question. By engaging in self-pleasure, you’re able to take some of the pressure off of your partner and ensure that you’re both able to focus on enjoying each other without worrying about fulfilling specific expectations.

Self-pleasure is nothing to feel guilty about in a committed relationship. Overall, self-pleasure can be incredibly beneficial for married couples. By helping you better understand your body, relieve stress, spice things up in the bedroom, feel empowered, and avoid pressure on your partner, self-pleasure can ultimately strengthen your bond. Individuals should be encouraged to explore their bodies and find what they enjoy. So, if you’re in a committed relationship, don’t be afraid to explore your own sexuality and engage in a little self-pleasure from time to time. Your sex life (and your relationship as a whole) will thank you for it.

Complete Article HERE!

Remedial Jerkology

— A Better Way To Handle Yourself

By Dr Dick

In the last installment of my series on male masturbation, we discussed problematic masturbation styles—how they can get in the way of satisfying partnered sex, and offered a surefire way to resolve these problems. This time around, I’d like to offer suggestions on how men can use different styles of masturbation to overcome certain dysfunctions, such as premature ejaculation.

Short Fuse Confusion

Here we have 28-year-old Marcos from NYC:

I may have premature ejaculation, meaning after I’m excited, I can’t hold it in (ejaculation) for more than a couple of minutes, which worries me regarding the pleasure I can provide… Suggestions, other than the eventual doctor visit?

The curious thing about premature ejaculation is that what constitutes “premature” is pretty subjective. Some men report that they can only last a minute or two, others say they can last only 15 minutes, but all consider themselves as premature ejaculators. I’m not trying to suggest that PE is a figment of one’s imagination. On the contrary; any guy who isn’t satisfied with the control he has or doesn’t have over his ejaculation may fall into this general category. In the same way, lasting longer, whatever “longer” might mean, is a relatively easy thing to accomplish. All you have to do is work at prolonging the pleasure.

Let’s start with how you masturbate, Marcos. If I had to guess, these sessions are speedy little affairs, right? A quick wank just to relieve sexual tension is a good thing, but if that’s all the self-pleasuring you do, it will interfere with your partnered pleasure later. Look at it this way: If your body is sensitized to coming quickly while masturbating, then that’s how it’ll respond with a partner.

I suggest that you reevaluate your self-pleasuring activities. Most, if not all of your masturbation should be dedicated to full-body masturbation. The object is to play with the sexual tension that develops in self-pleasuring, and to delay the your ejaculation for as long as you can.

As you become turned on you, build up sexual tension. Move the sexual energy all over your body as you stroke your cock. Touch and pleasure your whole body — feet, nipples, asshole, etc. Make the pleasure last as long as you can. As you approach the point of ejaculation, stop stroking yourself and concentrate your play on the other parts of your body. When the urge to come subsides, you can start stroking your dick again. Repeat the process ’til you can last 30 minutes. (By the way, some people refer to this as edging or edge play — coming to the edge of coming and then backing away. Get it? Got it? Good!)

The purpose of this exercise, besides the joy of getting off on your whole body, is to teach your body a different way to respond to cock stimulation. If you practice this method conscientiously, it will increase your sexual stamina both alone, and when you’re with a partner, too. Spread the sexual energy around. Concentrate on stalling your orgasm through the techniques you learned in your self-pleasuring. If you’re getting close to coming, pull out until you regain control; then resume. This will take some practice, but it’s worth the effort.

One final thing: If you’re concerned about the amount of pleasure you can provide, short fuse or not, I always encourage the men I work with in my private practice to look to pleasuring their partners before they even get warmed up themselves. But even after you come, you still have a mouth and hands and fingers with which to pleasure your partner, so there’s never an excuse to leave a partner unsatisfied, regardless of your own sexual response cycle.

Keeping the Genie in the Bottle

Now let’s turn our attention to two other masturbation styles—one that comes out of the Tantric sex tradition, the other comes to us by way of the world of kink. Both are similar to edging, inasmuch as they help gain control over our ejaculatory response, however, each of these practices evolved for very different purposes.

Tantric sex is interesting, if for no other reason that it distinguishes between orgasm and ejaculation; a distinction all men should know. Although they often happen at the same time, we are capable of having orgasms without ejaculating. In the Tantric practice of controlled ejaculation, men avoid ejaculating during masturbation (or partnered sex), making it possible to capture and extend the energy of orgasm. Refraining from, or holding off on ejaculation, men can actually become multiorgasmic. Learning to control the wave of our orgasmic energy without releasing that energy, or chi, through an ejaculation will at least give the practitioner a fuller, more intense orgasm.

Here’s how this works. If you take the time, you’ll notice that you have four distinct stages of erection: lengthening and filling; swelling; full erection; rigid erection. The fourth stage, rigid erection, signifies ejaculation is close at hand. Knowing this, you can incorporate a couple of Tantric techniques to quell the rising tide. Conscious breathing is a key for extended lovemaking. Rapid breathing excites and arouses you. Slow, controlled breathing, way down into your belly, calms you and helps delay ejaculation. Focusing on your breath takes your attention away from your genitals.

Throw in a few Kegel exercises to postpone ejaculation as well. These contractions of your pelvic floor muscles will allay the approaching ejaculation.

You can also delay ejaculation by gently tugging on your balls down and away from your body.

Tantric sex is all about you being conscious of your full self in your sexual practices, alone or with a partner. Being aware of and controlling your breathing, your genital muscles and the build-up of sexual tension will allow you to last as long as you’d like. Tantric practitioners speak of opening one’s self to our higher “spiritual” centers of ecstasy, bliss, joy, and wonder.

Finally, from the kinkier side of things there is a version of ejaculation control that is far edgier than what we’ve discussed so far. Here we have actual orgasm denial, which is often associated with cock and ball torture and/or chastity play. This is either self-induced or part of power play between a sub and his Dom. We’ll leave the power-play dynamic for another time. For now we’ll just look at this as a kinky masturbation technique.

Here’s a typical scenario. An edger will begin to wank like normal, but when he gets near to coming—he stops stroking. So far so good. But here is where the cock and ball torture may be introduced. The guy will often squeeze or slap his cock and balls till the urge to shoot subsides. Once the urge to come quiets down, he begins to stroke again. Stopping again whenever he approaches climax. He repeats this whole “stop and start” cycle, along with the CBT for as many times as he would like, so that when he finally shoots, if indeed he permits himself an orgasm, it will be much stronger and he’ll spew loads more spunk.

However, like all things edgy, you gotta know when enough is enough. I know a lot of men who edge and they swear by it. I also know that a number of these men are doing themselves a disservice, even harm, because they are practicing an extreme version of edging. In the end, despite the stand-up nature of our dick, it is a very delicate instrument. Intense edging, especially accompanied by nasty squeezing or slapping to quell the building ejaculation can be injurious. And if you overdo orgasm denial you can injure your prostate and seminal vesicles.

Good luck!

Masturbation Tips for People With Vaginas

— Masturbation is a natural and healthy aspect of sexual development that has many health benefits. There are various ways for individuals with vaginas to self-pleasure, including using their hands and toys to stimulate their genitals and other erogenous zones, like the nipples.

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Key takeaways:

  • Masturbation has many health benefits, including reducing stress, improving sleep quality, and learning what feels pleasurable.
  • The most common types of masturbation include clitoral, vaginal, and anal stimulation or a combination of the three.
  • Tips for exploring each area include applying a lubricant, slowly increasing arousal, and experimenting with different strokes, pressures, and speeds.

If you’re new to exploring self-pleasure or looking for ways to enhance your experience, we’ve gathered some tips and insights below that may be helpful.

Benefits of masturbation

Masturbation has a myriad of health benefits, making it a healthy and fun sexual activity. Masturbation has been found to:

  • Reduce stress
  • Relieve sexual tension
  • Improve sleep quality
  • Enhance knowledge of how you like to be pleasured
  • Improve mood
  • Strengthen the pelvic floor muscles
  • Alleviate period pain for some people

Different types of masturbation

There are various erogenous zones for people with vaginas for self-pleasure. In this article, we’ll focus on the most commonly practiced types of masturbation to help you get started. However, there are many ways to explore and enjoy your body, and you should always feel empowered to pleasure yourself in a comfortable and pleasurable way.

Clitoral masturbation

Clitoral masturbation is the most common form of masturbation for folks with vaginas, as many people cannot orgasm without clitoral stimulation. The clitoris is a highly sensitive erogenous zone that contains approximately 10,000 sensory nerve endings, making it a prime area for self-pleasure. You can pleasure the clitoris using your fingers to rub all areas of the clitoris, or you can use a vibrating or suction sex toy for extra stimulation.

Vaginal masturbation

Vaginal masturbation is also another common form of masturbation, and while it feels pleasurable for many people, not everyone can orgasm from vaginal stimulation. There are several pleasurable areas in the vagina that you can explore, and many people find stimulating the top wall of the vagina, often referred to as the G-spot, pleasurable. You can pleasure the vagina using your fingers or a sex toy.

Anal masturbation

The anus and rectum contain many sensory nerve endings, making anal masturbation a highly pleasurable experience. You can please the anus externally using fingers or a vibrator or internally using anal toys or fingers.

How to get started

While each person’s self-pleasure routine will look different, there are a few tips that many people use to help get them in the mood.

Create a relaxing environment

To maximize pleasure during masturbation, it’s important to ensure that you have a cozy environment. To do this, first, ensure that you have some privacy by locking the door and switching off your phone to avoid any unwelcome interruptions. If you live somewhere with limited privacy, consider jumping in the bath or shower and locking the door behind you.

Next, make your chosen room as desirable as possible by considering what is pleasurable to each of your five senses. Consider lighting candles, dimming the lights, wearing something that feels luxurious or turns you on, and playing relaxing music or sounds.

Don’t forget lubrication

You may know that a lubricant is an essential ingredient for pleasurable intercourse, but did you know that it also makes masturbation feel amazing too? While the vagina is self-lubricating, sometimes it doesn’t produce enough lubrication to make sex pleasurable. This is why you should always use a lubricant when having any kind of sexual activity. And if you’re exploring anal play, lubrication is a must, as the anus isn’t self-lubricating.

Get exploring

No matter which area of the body you intend to explore, the key is to keep an open mind and get curious about how your body can feel and respond to pleasure. Explore different sensations, pressures, speeds, and areas of the body to find out what feels best for you. You may also want to experiment with toys or erotica to help increase arousal.

Tips for exploring the clitoris

The clitoris is a highly sensitive part of the body. Here are some ways you can begin exploring what feels good to you:

  • Start slowly. Start by applying some lubrication to the clitoris and labia, then slowly begin stroking your vulva. There’s no rush to get to the clitoris, so take your time by slowly building up arousal and allowing blood to flow to the area.
  • Vary speed and pressure. When ready, move to the clitoris, rubbing or stroking it with little pressure. Then slowly increase the pressure and the speed of the strokes to your liking.
  • Different techniques. You may want to explore different techniques, such as pinching the clitoris, rubbing it in circles, or stroking it up and down. You can also use a sex toy, such as a vibrator, to gently rub or press onto the clitoris.
  • Increase the pressure. Once you have found a sensation that feels good, increase the pressure and intensity of the strokes, rubbing, or vibrations until you reach orgasm or feel like you’ve had enough.
Tips for exploring the vagina

Finding out what feels good for you inside your vagina is important for increasing sexual pleasure. Try these tips to begin your exploration slowly and sensitively:

  • Stimulate blood flow. Start by applying a lubricant to the clitoris, labia, fingers, and sex toy. Then slowly begin stroking your vulva and clitoris to increase arousal and blood flow to the vagina.
  • Slowly insert fingers or sex toy. When ready, part opens your vagina with your fingers and insert your fingers or a sex toy. Then slowly start exploring the vagina, moving your fingers or toys in a circular motion inside the vagina to find a pleasurable spot.
  • New techniques. You may want to explore different techniques, such as using your fingers in a “come here” motion to stimulate the G-spot, moving your fingers or toys in and out of your vagina, or simultaneously playing with the clitoris.
  • Keep going. Once you have found a sensation that feels good, increase the pressure and intensity of the strokes until you reach orgasm or feel like you’ve had enough.

Tips for exploring the anus

The anus can be a deeply pleasurable area for some people. Try these tips to find out if it’s something you like:

  • Always lubricate. Start by applying a lubricant to your fingers or sex toy. Then slowly begin stroking and rubbing the outside of your anus.
  • Gentle exploration. When ready, carefully insert your finger or toy into your anus, then slowly start exploring the anus, moving your fingers or toy in a circular motion inside the anus to find a pleasurable spot.
  • Experiment. You may want to explore different techniques, such as moving your fingers or toy in and out of your anus or simultaneously playing with the clitoris or vagina.

It’s important to note that when using sex toys to stimulate the anus, they should have a flared base to prevent them from getting lost in the rectum, which can result in surgical intervention.

When it comes to exploring masturbation, the key thing that you should aim for is to have a pleasurable experience. While having an orgasm can be an amazing experience, masturbation without an orgasm can also be incredibly enjoyable. So try not to pressure yourself to have an orgasm each time you masturbate, but rather stay curious about what you find pleasurable, and enjoy the experience.

Complete Article HERE!

The secret to better sex?

— Have it with yourself.

In a sex recession, consider the benefits of a DIY approach.

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Many of us grew up reading glossy instruction manuals full of increasingly eccentric tips for pleasing a partner. A few memorable ones from my own tween reading years: Eat a doughnut off their genitals. Run an ice cube down their abs. Prior to sex, perform a chair-based dance routine. Moisten your mouth by imagining that it is full of Skittles. There were fewer instructions, of course, on how to help your partner please you.

If you have the kind of social media feed prone to churning up sex-positive Instagram infographics — or if you’ve ever masturbated — you are likely aware of the benefits of self-pleasure. Masturbation, wrote radical sex educator Betty Dodson in her 1987 classic Sex for One, is “the ongoing love affair that each of us has with ourselves throughout our lifetime.” Dodson, who later schooled Gwyneth Paltrow on vaginas for her Goop Netflix show, saw in masturbation nothing short of a path to world peace.

Sex educators rightly extol the endless upsides of masturbation: physical pleasure, relaxation, absolute safety from sexually transmitted infection, the powerful feeling of meeting your own needs. But telling people to masturbate for wellness reasons can begin to feel a bit like telling someone with depression to take a walk and drink a glass of water: It’s probably a good idea, but it’s annoying to hear.

For some people, this pervasive messaging has the opposite of its intended effect. “I have, over the years, also heard from many young women, especially, who feel pressured to masturbate—and some young men,” sex researcher Debby Herbenick tells Vox. Instead of masturbation as an act of personal discovery, it can feel like another tedious opportunity for self-optimization.

What the pro-self-service discourse sometimes neglects is this: Addressing your erotic needs through masturbation is a key strategy to bringing those same impulses to partnered sex, and for people with vaginas, it’s worth getting some reps in. And, of course, most of the research included in this space is on cis, straight people, so I recognize that these experiences won’t be universal — but everyone can benefit from a reminder that our bodies are worthy of pleasure.

Taking time to figure out what feels good

If you’re having meh sex with casual partners, pleasure-phobic pundits and well-intentioned friends might urge you to seek deeper emotional connection and monogamous commitment. Which, sure! If that’s what you’re into. There’s another option, though: Getting better at getting yourself off, so that you can give clearer instructions in the future.

“A lot of us are having unsatisfying sex. And they want that to change, but they want it to just change overnight,” says Dominique Oster, a sex and relationships therapist. “They want their partner to just suddenly get it. They want them to just suddenly know, but they don’t want to do the work that it takes to get there.”

When clients come to her sharing that they are unable to orgasm, or that they want sex but are simply unable to enjoy it in the moment, she, like many sex therapists, encourages them to practice masturbation.

“We owe it to ourselves to give ourselves and our nervous system a chance to re-regulate and create some new neural pathways,” Oster says. “This is not like a ‘Cosmo Five Tips to Better Orgasm.’ This is: How do I have better mental health around my body and my sexuality?”

Betty Dodson, in her ’80s masturbation manifesto, called it “the best way to gain sexual self-knowledge and to let go of old sexual fears and inhibitions.” She added, “For women especially, it’s a way to build confidence so we can communicate clearly with our lovers.”

A 2019 study of over 2,000 women found a stark contrast in the ways women were bringing themselves to orgasm through masturbation and the ways they attempted to orgasm with a partner. On their own, women “tend to use less conventional techniques for arousal during masturbation compared with partnered sex,” the researchers found. Those who were able to align their solo style with the way they had sex with a partner — conjuring fantasies, using vibrators, positioning their bodies in their preferred ways — had more orgasms, and better ones.

Of course, orgasm is not the only marker of a positive sexual experience, but it is a significant one. A study of young adults in 2019 found that people who orgasmed in casual sexual encounters were more likely to have positive emotions about those encounters. Critics of casual sex argue that it can lead participants, particularly women, to feel empty and worthless afterward. The reason could be a sense of loneliness or shame, but it could also be that sex didn’t feel that good physically. If that’s the case, the answer might not be to give up on sex, but to try to figure out what would actually feel good.

That’s what Maria Yagoda did. Yagoda is a sex writer who spent years recounting her sexual exploits online, writing articles with headlines like “What It’s Like to Ride a $2,000 Vibrating ‘Sex Machine.’” At 28, she finally admitted that she wasn’t enjoying sex — she was simply “enduring” it. She faked orgasms, approximating moans while thinking about the IRS. Even though she was technically a sex expert, she found it hard to acknowledge that, as she writes in her new book Laid and Confused: Why We Tolerate Bad Sex and How to Stop, that “sex is meant to be pleasurable, not a method-acted performance of pleasure so gripping even the actor believes it.”

A pathway to better sex — including casual sex

It’s easy to read an account like Yagoda’s and conclude that casual sex is simply unfulfilling, and ought to be abandoned. Anti-hookup culture screeds, which often marry puritanism to the language of progressivism, argue that the answer is to contain sex within the framework of committed monogamy. Amid the often troubling critiques of hooking up is genuine concern for women’s sexual satisfaction and sense of erotic self-worth. In 2006, then-Washington Post reporter Laura Sessions Stepp fretted about the implications of hookup culture for girls’ futures as “mothers, workers, and members of a community.” She also worried, rightly, about whether the girls’ and women’s partners were treating them with care.

In a 2022 TikTok viewed nearly a million times, “very much pro-ho” creator Cindy Noir echoed these concerns, urging women to ask of their casual sex partners, “Does he value you and consider you and your pleasure? Is he trustworthy and safe for you and your body?” Hookup culture can sometimes be a “scam” for women, said Cindy. This is statistically true, at least as far as orgasms go — in heterosexual partnerships, men are vastly more likely than women to orgasm during casual sex.

Lack of pleasure is an excellent reason to avoid any kind of sex, casual or committed. But as Yagoda argues, “Pleasure is a practice.” Instead of renouncing casual sex, she set about discovering how to make sex more pleasurable for herself. She took up a period of celibacy to figure out, on her own, what she wanted. She practiced meditation and tried out various sex toys and lubes, enacting what Dodson called “the ongoing love affair” with herself. “I had never touched myself like this before, like a person I loved,” Yagoda wrote of her new approach to masturbation.

“The age-old difference between how men and women approach sex and sexuality is that men tend to be self-focused in their sexual experience or their exploration, and women tend to be more focused on the other person,” says Oster. “And that really gets in the way of us being able to experience what’s actually physically happening in our bodies.”

Getting your reps in

With self-pleasure, intentionality is key. “I don’t shy away from turning it into a chore,” says Oster of encouraging her clients to masturbate. “I really do like to remove some of the mysticism and some of the romance from this as a practice.” Lighting a scented candle is nice, she says. A clearer way to get in touch with the sensations might be to ask yourself, “What does this physically feel like? What thoughts are coming into my head? Can I return my body to the physical sensation when they do? Can I move through that and breathe through that and stay in my body?”

In 2022, researchers led by Herbenick published the first nationally representative survey on American masturbation habits in 10 years. Asked to share their primary motivation for masturbating, a significant number of women participants said they wanted to explore their sexuality. The study looked into a question that is debated by sex researchers: Does masturbating, in general, make people want to have more sex? Or less?<

There is some evidence for both theories, Herbenick told me in an interview, but the 2022 study found more evidence for the “complementary model” among women, meaning that women who had more partnered sex also had more solo sex. “You might be somebody who really enjoys your own fantasy and desire and arousal and orgasm through masturbation,” says Herbenick. “Doing so may help you to kind of feel enlivened and desirous, and sometimes the focus of that may be a partner.”

Couldn’t it be that women who have more frequent sex with men are actually masturbating more because they are unsatisfied?

“For some portion? For sure,” says Herbenick. But there is data, she says, that “certainly some people actually masturbate right then and there, right? Like they didn’t get an orgasm through their sex with their partner. So they will say, ‘Well, I just sort of rolled over and finished myself off.’” Practicing by yourself is good for that, too.

Practice makes pleasure

Two decades before Dodson’s masturbation manifesto, in 1966, sex researchers Virginia E. Johnson and William H. Masters published a groundbreaking report that included the following bombshell: “If there is no psychosocial distraction to repress sexual tensions, many well-adjusted women enjoy a minimum of three or four orgasmic experiences before they reach apparent satiation,” they wrote. After a decade of observing individuals masturbating and couples having sex, they had seen the truth with their own eyes:

Masturbating women concentrating only on their own sexual demands, without the psychic distractions of a coital partner, may enjoy many sequential orgasmic experiences without allowing their sexual tensions to resolve below plateau-phase levels.

Writing in crisp, clinical terms that nevertheless thrilled the reading public, they added: “Usually physical exhaustion alone terminates such an active masturbatory session.”

Masters and Johnson advised men to pay attention to their partners’ wants and stop guessing, applicable advice to people of all genders. “Rather than following any preconceived plan for stimulating his sexual partner, the male will be infinitely more effective if he encourages vocalization on her part,” they concluded. “The individual woman knows best the areas of her strongest sensual focus and the rapidity and intensity of manipulative technique that provides her with the greatest degree of sexual stimulation.”

Unfortunately, the average layperson has not read Masters and Johnson’s 1966 findings — so with that in mind, one must communicate one’s sexual desires directly. Doing so, instead of hoping that a sex partner somehow figures it out, involves “rejecting the idea of sexual chemistry as a rigid, fixed thing,” writes Yagoda. She cites the work of therapist Pamela Joy, who argues that people who want to get better at talking about their needs during sex should start with a much smaller step: just getting comfortable talking about sex outside of the actual act. You can take tiny sex talk steps by talking more honestly with friends, listening to sex education podcasts, and following sex and kink educators on Instagram.

Yagoda also recommends frontloading the communication — “Do you mind if we go slow tonight?” is a great thing to say to a hookup partner while the night is young and the Netflix original is still playing in the background. And when in doubt, she says, there are a few words to keep in your toolbox: “‘Faster.’ ‘Slower.’ Harder.’ ‘Softer.’ ‘Yes.’ ‘No.’ ‘Ouch.’ ‘Wrong hole.’”

Oster adds that if you have a consistent partner, telling them about your self-pleasure practice will help them keep up with what you like. “If we can encourage our partners to see that we are changing, that we are exploring, that can kind of reduce some of the charge of, ‘Well, she used to like this. Now she just must not like sex anymore.’” It’s not always obvious that people have evolving sexual tastes and desires, but those things can be framed as “dynamic,” Oster says, rather than a dead end.

Masturbation, like other sex-related things, is increasingly celebrated in the mainstream, while stigma is continually reinforced everywhere else. Mentioning masturbation in a sex ed class is still enough to garner a teacher death threats, but you can stand in a Target aisle and compare the Rabbit, the LELO, and the Dame vibrators. Jane Fonda recently gave Drew Barrymore a sex toy on daytime TV, but shame and fear still prevent people from being direct with their partners about pleasure.

“There is no specific technique that can turn bad sex into pleasurable sex,” Yagoda writes. “There is no new angle or position that can rehabilitate your relationship with pleasure. But there are so many little practices, little shifts in perspectives that can open our bodies up to pleasure.”

It’s true that masturbation has not yet brought about world peace, as Dodson once dreamed. Still, we’ll keep practicing until we get there.

Complete Article HERE!

How growing up in purity culture impacts sex

— The effects of shame-based narratives can have a big impact on our ability to experience pleasure fully.

By Gigi Engle

Purity culture messaging is everywhere. Even if you didn’t grow up particularly religious or even if you had fully atheist caregivers, it’s likely you’ve been exposed to messages from purity culture in some form.

Just look at the sex ed we have in the western world: It’s often focused on abstinence and the dangers of sex. This is rooted in purity culture. Look at sexual spirituality (a movement that masquerades as enlightenment and spiritual awakening all over social media) claiming that you need to sage your genitals in order to “cleanse” yourself of past lovers. Purity. Culture.

Purity culture has seen a massive uptick on social media, especially on TikTok with the emergence of “puriteen” views, finding a niche where it can spread the messages of needing to stay “virginal” and “pure” in order to be considered a good or worthy person in the pretty dressing of fun little videos. It’s sinister, really.

While I myself did not grow up in the church, as a sexuality professional — a sex-positive certified sex educator who specializes, amongst other things, in undoing the damaging messages of purity culture, while advocating for sexual freedom and autonomy – I have worked with countless folx who have. Much of the work my colleagues and I do is around detangling sexuality from the messages of purity culture. It can feel like walking backwards on a treadmill sometimes. This messaging is incredibly harmful and impacts people in myriad ways.

Purity culture messaging is insidious from every angle – but one of the most salient is the impact on sexuality. This “type of subculture isolates us into a box (or perhaps a cage) to the point where it is difficult to express ourselves sexually and it prevents us from having autonomy in seeking sexual relationships,” says Dr. Lee Phillips, Ed.D, a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist.

Basically, it messes with our understanding and connection to our sexuality. And it’s dangerous and damaging.

Whether you’ve freshly thrown off the shackles of purity culture, are attempting to do so presently – or escaped a long time ago, let’s break down how purity culture impacts sexuality – and how you can start to unlearn these messages in order to embrace pleasure and sexual freedom to the fullest extent.

Purity culture is centered on sexuality. While it targets everyone, it specifically centers around female sexuality – and female chastity, Philips says. It emphasizes staying “pure,” which means not having sex (usually intercourse) before marriage.

While this is sort of the cut-and-dry definition, Laurie Mintz, Ph.D. a licensed psychologist, certified sex therapist, and author of Becoming Cliterate, points out that modern Evangelical views of “purity” go far beyond this simplest framework. Within contemporary, fundamental Christianity, not only are women and girls responsible for not engaging in sex of any kind (or even having sexual thoughts), they become the gatekeepers for male sexuality. “Young women and girls in this culture are instructed to be submissive to men, and to be careful how they dress and interact with others to avoid ‘tempting’ men.” Women and girls are seen as the “moral foundation” of society and are pressured to behave modestly so they don’t make the men around them horny. Awesome.

“Young women and girls in this culture are instructed to be submissive to men, and to be careful how they dress and interact with others to avoid ‘tempting’ men.”

It is a culture of sexual suppression. It means “suppressing or trying to pray away any sexual thoughts and fantasies, desires, not masturbating, not looking at certain media, and generally demonizing all forms of sexual expression outside of traditional heterosexual marriage,” explains Lucy Rowett, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist, who specializes in purity culture and sexuality.

What purity culture messages look like

Now, what do these messages look like, really? Here are a few deeply disturbing examples.

  • Mintz points to likening women to a chewed-up piece of gum than no one would want if they have sexual experiences before marriage.
  • Telling women and girls they are responsible for the behavior of men and boys – that they must have tempted them if they are sexually assaulted or harassed. “Men must be both leaders and ultra masculine, but also cannot control their sexual desires,” Rowett says.
  • Being a good woman means always being submissive to men.
  • Your spiritual value, your “purity”, and your whole value as a person “comes from not just not having sex before marriage, but suppressing your entire sexuality,” Rowett says.
  • Your ability to truly love a partner will be damaged if you have sex – and no one will want you anyway because you’re “damaged goods.
  • If you watch porn, you are addicted to porn. And porn will 100 percent ruin your life. AND you’re going to hell.

These messages are baseless, incorrect, damaging – and downright dangerous. They are anti-science – entirely socially constructed by a puritanical society that wants to demonize sexuality in any form that doesn’t fall within heterosexual marriage.

How the messages of purity culture can filter into our sexuality

Even if we choose to reject the messages of purity culture later in life, they can still negatively impact us without even being aware of it. Shame-based messages are sticky little fuckers. They get their claws into our psyche and refuse to let go. They’re like emotional bedbugs: They burrow in and end up disrupting your peace. Philips points out that these early messages of shame can be quite traumatic – and this trauma impacts the mind-body messaging system.

Central to our ability to experience pleasure during sex is the connection between our brains and bodies. In order to experience pleasure and orgasm to the fullest extent, we need to feel calm and safe. This relaxed state facilitates the messages between the brain and body which, in turn, allows us to experience desire and physical arousal.

Because of the negative messages of purity culture and sexual shame, we can go into a state of Fight, Flight, or Freeze during sexual activity. This breaks the mind-body messaging system. This is a trauma response. As Mintz explains, “If one has been indoctrinated with the message that sex is sinful, that they are sinful, and the like, it is going to result in being immersed in shameful, negative self-talk during sex, rather than experiencing and immersing in one’s body sensations.”

Philips points to the following examples of how the trauma of purity culture messaging can lead to sexual difficulties:

  • Experiencing a sexual problem and believing it is your fault.
  • Feeling very little or nothing during sex.
  • Not speaking up or avoiding discussing sex at all.
  • Unexplained pain, tension, softness, or ejaculation problems for AMAB (assigned male at birth) people.
  • Wanting to rush through sexual experiences.
  • Finding it difficult to engage in sex without relying on substances.
  • Feeling like you are too much or not enough.
  • Feeling afraid to take risks.
  • Losing connection to playfulness.
  • Difficulties with orgasm.
  • Feeling unworthy of pleasure.
  • Being stuck in a cycle of unfulfilling sexual behavior and/or experiences.

5 tips for purity culture dropouts to increase their sexual pleasure

Give yourself the time you need to really heal

Congratulations! You’ve escaped from purity culture and you should be proud. With that being said, the healing process will likely take a long time. “Remember to give yourself a lot of time and space to heal, and know that you don’t need to figure it all out now,” Rowett says. You’ve been inundated with these sex-shaming messages for your whole upbringing. It is going to take time to untangle them and move forward. You’re brave and you’ve got this.

Feel your damn feelings

When it comes to unlearning harmful messaging, emotions can bubble up and spill out. As tempting as it may be to tamp these down, try to sit with them. Revel in the discomfort of it. “You might feel sad and want to mourn the lost years of your sex life,” Philips explains. “You might feel angry, or personally victimized. You may feel hurt. Whatever is there to feel, feel it fully.”

Resource yourself and find community

Start reading books and digesting media from people who have been on this same journey. Mintz suggests reading the book Pure and watching the documentary Deconstructing My Religion to start. Media can help you feel less alone. Next, find your people. There are so many purity culture dropout forums online where you can find people who have the same lived experience that you do.

“Unlearning such toxic, harmful messages is difficult — but with education and support, it is possible.”

Seek professional help

“Unlearning such toxic, harmful messages is difficult — but with education and support, it is possible,” Mitz says. Hire a professional sex therapist or coach who specifically works with folx who come from purity culture. Rowett even has amazing classes that are centered on embracing your pleasure and leaving shame in the past. Learn more here.

Practice conscious masturbation

Conscious masturbation is when you go really slowly with self-touch, breathing deeply and connecting with the sensations in your body. “As you practice conscious masturbation, you will progressively begin to feel safer in your body. This might not happen overnight (especially if the roots of trauma or sexual shame run deep), but it will happen with patience, love, and persistence,” Philips says. It’s simply about being with your body and allowing it to experience pleasure. It is a brilliant way to come into yourself and embrace that your body’s a vessel for pleasure. And that you deserve pleasure!

It might feel like a long road ahead of you, but you can and WILL recover from the trauma of growing up in purity culture. You’re already on your way. And you’re going to crush it.

Complete Article HERE!

Emily Morse Wants You to Think Seriously About an Open Relationship

By David Marchese

For nearly 20 years, Emily Morse has been publicly talking with people about sex. She has done it in intimate, small-group conversations with friends; she has done it on radio and TV and social media; and the sex therapist has done it, most prominently, on her popular “Sex With Emily” podcast. A lot of what she has talked about over the years hasn’t changed: People want to discuss why they’re not having orgasms or their insecurities about penis size or their changing libido. But lately she has noticed something different: There’s a growing desire for more information about open sexual relationships. Indeed, Morse was already late in submitting a draft to her publisher of her new book, “Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure,” when she decided that she needed to add a section on nonmonogamy because she kept being asked about it. “People are realizing,” says Morse, who is 53, “that monogamy isn’t a one-size-fits-all model.”

Why do you think so many people are curious about nonmonogamy these days? People are in therapy more, taking care of themselves and thinking more deeply about their relationships. Now that’s part of the conversation; therapy is no longer stigmatized. That has been a big switch, and when couples get into their feelings and emotional intelligence, they’re realizing: We can love each other and be together, and we can create a relationship on our own terms that works for us. If you are in a long-term committed relationship, it can be exciting to experience sex in a new way that is equitable, consensual and pleasurable but doesn’t take away from the union of marriage.

A term I hear a lot now is “ethical nonmonogamy.”1

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Broadly, it’s the practice of being romantically or sexually involved with multiple people who are all aware of and give consent to the arrangement.

My sense is that some couples experiment with that because one-half of a relationship feels that things have to open up or the relationship isn’t going to last. But in a situation like that, how ethical is the ethical nonmonogamy? That’s coercion. That’s manipulation. If you say to your partner, “We have to open up, or I’m leaving you” — I don’t feel great about the future of those couples. I can say that there usually is one partner who starts the nonmonogamy conversation. They might say, “I’ve been thinking about it, and our friends are doing it, and what would you think about being open?” They’ll talk about what it might look like and how they would navigate and negotiate it. But if one partner is like, “We should open up,” and the other is like, “I’m shut down to that; it doesn’t work for me,” and then the partner brings it up again and again and the answer is still “No,” then it won’t work. For a majority of people, their first thought is, I never want to hear about my partner having sex with somebody else; that is my biggest nightmare. That’s where most people are. So for nonmonogamy to work, you need to be self-aware and have self-knowledge about your sexual desires and do some work. Maybe we’ll talk to our friends who we know are into it. Maybe we’ll listen to a podcast about it. Maybe we’ll go to therapy. Maybe we’ll take baby steps and go to a play party.2

2
A party where people are free to engage in public sex or kinky behaviors.

But to do it to spice up your relationship is not the reason to do it. Do it because you’re open and curious and understand that your desire for pleasure extends beyond your relationship.

In the book, you say nonmonogamy is not a way to fix a relationship. Why not? The people in successful ethical nonmonogamous relationships have a very healthy relationship to their own sex life and their own intimacy, their own desires. People who are like, Yeah, let’s go find someone else to have sex with, to spice it up — usually those couples don’t have a deeper understanding of their own sex life and what they want from a partner. Another version of that is, “Let’s have a baby!” These drastic things that people do to make their relationship more interesting or to distract themselves from problems usually don’t work. Couples who are successful have rigorous honesty and a deeper knowledge of their own sexual wants and desires.

Emily Morse hosting Gwyneth Paltrow on her “Sex With Emily” podcast in 2021.

What about couples who stay together because their sex life is great but the rest of their relationship is bad? People who have great sex but they can’t stand each other? I think that’s rare. If they’re not connected in other areas and the sex is what’s carrying them, I would want to sit with that couple and find out more. Maybe the relationship is better than they think. But listen, people get to decide what works for them. To me, the most satisfying pleasurable sex is when you have trust and depth and openness and intimacy and communication. If you loathe your partner outside the bedroom? I don’t want to yuck anyone’s yum; I’m sure that situation exists, but I don’t hear about it often.

It’s funny to hear you say you don’t want to yuck anyone’s yum, because in my life — If that’s you, David, in your relationship, that’s awesome! I’m so glad for you and your partner.

No, no. What I was going to say was that I use that phrase with my kids. One will say to the other, “Why are you eating that Jell-O?” or whatever, and I’ll say, “Don’t yuck their yum.” It’s a very different context! Well, that’s a big sex thing, too: You never want to yuck your partner’s yum. This is what comes up with fantasies and arousal and desire. If your partner tells you they want to use a sex toy, and you’re like, “Ew,” it’s hard to recover from that. So don’t yuck the yum if you don’t like Jell-O and if you don’t like anal sex.

You said a second ago that the best sex is about communication and depth and so on, which goes along with ideas in your book about what you call the five pillars of sex IQ,3

3
Which are embodiment (meaning awareness of your self in your own body), health, collaboration (relating to and working with your sexual partners), self-knowledge and self-acceptance.

which are basically all things that also go into being a balanced, healthy person. Obviously sex ties into one’s overall sense of self and well-being, but is there any way in which making it as central as you do also makes it more daunting? Or sets people up for disappointment? Because maybe sometimes sex is just OK, or sometimes it’s disappointing, or sometimes it’s great. Does it always have to be a referendum on one’s holistic well-being? I want people to think deeply about sex, to prioritize sex, to be intentional about sex and to think about it differently than just, I’m going to close my eyes in the dark and hope it works out. The problem is that most people compartmentalize sex. It’s shrouded in mystery. Since it’s so mysterious, people don’t want to talk about it, and they don’t have a lot of information there’s a lot of misinformation. People are surprised every day to learn that maybe they can’t get an erection because they haven’t been working out or because of the food they’re eating. We don’t want to talk about sex unless we get a quick fix. For many years, I was like: Here’s the vibrator! Here’s the sex position! Here’s a quick-fix tip! Tips are great, but because sex becomes such a problem in relationships, I want to give people the tools to say: “I wonder if it’s a problem because I haven’t communicated with my partner lately. Maybe that’s how I can have better sex tonight.” So understanding all the elements to it might help you have more satisfaction. Once people realize this is foundational work that’s going to help you for a lifetime, once it becomes more integrated, it’ll help everybody have more freeing, satisfying sex

What are examples of misinformation about sex? That the most pleasure comes from penetration; that men want sex more than women; that men don’t fake orgasms; that desire stays the same in long-term relationships; if there isn’t desire, it means your relationship should end; that if you don’t have penetrative sex, you’re not really having sex. There’s so many of them, and every day I get hundreds of questions from people who you would think would know better. I have friends who have three children, educated, who are like, “Is the g-spot thing real?”

Can I ask about the ring you’re wearing?

4
It was quite a large ring.

I realize it looks like a vulva.

It does. It’s a vintage ring. At the time I got it, I literally didn’t realize what it looked like until the next day. [Laughs.] But now it’s my magic vulva ring!

What’s the most far-out thing that everyone should be doing? And I don’t mean far-out as in kinkiest. I mean what’s the thing that people are prudish about but need to get over? I think it’s important to masturbate. Solo sex is a great way to understand your body, what feels good. Healthy masturbation is good for people of all ages, in and out of relationships — when you are intentional about it and it makes you feel good, not bad. You don’t want to have shame after. You want to be accepting of your body, feel more in touch with yourself, feel your sexual energy. You can start to understand what turns you on. You know and accept your genitals for how they are today, and you do it without consequences.

Emily Morse at the Macworld exposition in San Francisco in 2007.

On the subject of masturbation: In the book you write about this technique of “Meditate, masturbate” — remind me of the third one? Manifest.

Right. So the idea is that I’m supposed to meditate. Then once I’m in the right head space, I can start masturbating. And at the moment of climax, if I think about the thing I want to happen in my life — “I hope I get that raise!” — then it’s more likely to happen? Yeah. I mean, manifestation is the science behind the law of attraction and all the things you think about when you are in a heightened state. So when you’re meditating, which, I don’t know if you meditate.

I do two out of the three M’s. Two out of three! You’re good! So you meditate for a few minutes, you get in the zone, then you masturbate, and at the height of orgasm, when your sexual energy is at a peak level and you’re at a clear state to transmute whatever you believe into the universe — it’s very potent, clear energy at that moment to think about and feel what it is that you want. It could be about a raise. It could be about a better day. I feel like this is so woo. I’m from California! [Laughs.] But at that moment of your orgasm, if in that moment you can feel what you want, picture it, it has powerful resonance.

But that’s magic. Magic is not real. [Expletive.] I know. I wish I could explain this better to you, the science behind it, but a lot of people have had a lot of success with this feeling. I just think that meditate, masturbate, manifest is basically a way of using your creative energy to fuel your intentions in the moment of pleasure.

What are you working on in your sex life right now? I’m always working on my sex. Research is me-search, as I say. I’m working on staying connected. I love to slow down sex and take time to experience one-way touch.

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Which in this context means when only one of the partners is offering touch without the expectation that the other will reciprocate.

So having a night where it’s more about giving and receiving. Expanding connection and understanding what feels good is something I’m always working on.

Just to go back to the five pillars of sex IQ: It seems self-evident that if you get healthier, become more self-aware, collaborate more honestly and openly, and if you’re more comfortable in your own body and you accept yourself, you’re more likely to have better sex. So what is your unique insight there? That’s a great question, because, yeah, those are the five pillars for a better life. But if you have a better sex life, you have a better life. So my thing is that you need to take a more holistic approach to your sex life. People don’t realize that all of those things matter. I don’t think these are so groundbreaking. It’s more applying them to sex on a daily basis. What I’m hearing you say is, Don’t people know this? They don’t.

You’re a doctor of human sexuality. I don’t mean this in a glib way at all, but what is that? So, 20 years ago when I was starting this career — and I know the school isn’t there anymore. It’s a whole thing. But I’m fully open about this. I wanted to go back to school and get a degree in human sexuality. In 2003 when I started looking, there weren’t really many places to go, and I wanted to learn more about sex and education. One school was in San Francisco, called the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality.6

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The institute operated from the mid-1970s to 2018. In 2017, California’s Bureau for Private Postsecondary Education denied its renewal application to continue operating educational programs. In its decision, the bureau did note that the institute’s faculty and graduates “have produced a well-respected body of research and scholarship.”

A few people I admired highly recommended this school to me. So I did that for three years: an intensive program of learning everything about human sexuality and writing papers and reading everything about sex. That’s where everyone at the time in this space was going to school. Now I think there are other programs. There are some places popping up that I think are a bit better, but not a ton. It’s kind of a newer path.

My understanding is that the school didn’t meet California’s standards for private higher education. I know. This is my nightmare. But you can write about this if you want. Here’s the thing: It was run for like 40, 50 years, but it didn’t meet the criteria to be accredited, which is not fun. I haven’t really been following it. But then I went and got other degrees — in somatic sex therapy, and I’ve taken other things.

Do you think people assume that you’re a medical doctor? I hope not. I always make it clear. I don’t want people to think I’m a medical doctor. Then people think I’m a Ph.D. — not at all. I think after 20 years I’ve been doing this, people know that I’m not a medical doctor. I know putting “Dr. Emily” in the book might have been misleading, but I do say that I’m a doctor of human sexuality, which I understand might not be as well known.

I was interested in your ideas in the book about “core desires”

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The term came to Morse from the sex educators Celeste Hirschman and Danielle Harel. She defines it as “the specific feeling you want to experience during sex.” That could be feelings like power or humiliation, not merely arousal.

and how they shape our sexuality. Do you mind if I ask what your core desire is? I think to be nurtured, to be seen — loved, cared for, nourished and sometimes ravished. Twenty years ago, I was nervous around sex, disassociated. I was much more in my head and much more about my partner’s pleasure, and if they got off, that meant it was a success and a good time. I knew nothing about my body, my clitoris. I’m a totally different person. Growing up, maybe I wasn’t in an environment — divorced parents and life was hectic. I don’t think I felt as nurtured as I needed to feel. People have really intense core desires. I want to give permission to people to find out what they need, release any shame around it, express it to your partner and then see how that goes. Hopefully it goes well.

What’s the wisest thing someone ever said to you about sex? David, you with the good questions! I don’t remember who said it to me, but: Sex isn’t just about sex.” It’s about so many other things. Sex is about your entire life. Sex is about energy, intimacy and connection. Oh, also: “Go five times slower.” That is a great sex tip!

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity from two conversations.

Complete Article HERE!

Orgasms Are Great, But Masturbation Also Comes With These 5 Health Benefits

By Devon Barrow

Masturbation used to be a hush-hush topic saved for private conversations. But these days, as we’re rinsing shame out of sexuality, the holistic importance of sexual pleasure has come into full view. Backed by tons of positive science and research, we’re finally starting to see masturbation for what it really is: a wellness practice.

We tend to think of wellness as green smoothies and cycling classes, so where does masturbation fit in? To get clear on the subject, we connected with Dr. Holly Richmond, Ph.D., LMFT, CST. “I believe we should consider masturbation as a wellness practice because sex and self are not dualistic,” she describes. “There’s not my general health over here, and my sexual health over here.”

As Dr. Holly confirms, sexual health is a holistic part of our being. And that doesn”t necessitate a partner. Masturbation is just as effective at promoting sexual health…especially with the help of brands that stand for pleasure and its role in our daily lives, like Dame. Their products, designed to nourish sexual wellness and deepen connections, make it easier for us to enjoy masturbation more and claim the many health benefits behind it. And BTW, there are many.

The health benefits of masturbation.

In order to fully reap the health benefits of masturbation, we need to understand what it’s about on a deeper level. “I prescribe [self-pleasure] all the time,” Dr. Holly shares. “I don’t call it masturbation because people tend to think of that as goal-oriented, and the goal is usually to have an orgasm. Sexual pleasure is also good for us, and that doesn’t have to include an orgasm.” The bottom line is: Sexual pleasure comes with all sorts of health benefits, orgasm or not. So let’s dive in:

1. Masturbation strengthens your pelvic floor.

According to Dr. Holly, self-pleasure helps make our pelvic floor stronger. And while orgasms aren’t necessary, they certainly help. “Orgasms are like a mini-workout for the pelvic floor,” she describes. “When we orgasm, there are these micro-contractions that help enhance our pelvic floor… This prevents incontinence and makes our orgasms stronger.” So the question on everyone’s mind: How do we make orgasms easier and frequent? Dame’s AerTM is a powerful arousal tool that uses thrilling pulses of air to simulate oral stimulation. Designed to take us all the way, right away, consider this one workout you’ll never skip.

2. Self-pleasure boosts your mood.

Most of the benefits that come from sexual pleasure happen as a result of the oxytocin and dopamine released by the body. As Dr. Holly describes, these natural chemicals wash our prefrontal cortex and our brainstem, leaving us with an overall sense of wellness. Along with boosting our mood, the PomTM can help us get in the mood too. Fitting snugly in the palm of your hand, the Pom offers broad or targeted stimulation for more pleasure, with more ease. With five different intensity and vibration settings, it’ll get the dopamine flowing.

3. Orgasms help us sleep better.

“For some of my clients, having an orgasm is something they do at the end of the day that helps them sleep,” says Dr. Holly. For many of us, sexual pleasure is something that deescalates the nervous system, leaving us in a state of peace and calm. Studies show that sexual activity can lead to a release of oxytocin (the cuddle hormone) and prolactin (a hormone that makes us sleepy) while inhibiting cortisol (the stress hormone)—like a neurotransmitter nightcap for better sleep.

4. Self-touch can help promote the health of our skin.

Exfoliate, moisturize, and self-pleasure…your new skin care routine. The hormonal release that happens with sexual pleasure decreases stress, improves our sleep, and promotes relaxation. Add all these benefits up, and you get glowing skin. On top of that, sexual pleasure has been proven to raise estrogen levels, which can help maintain the youthfulness of our skin. So for the sake of your skin, enjoy extra pleasure with a partner by trying out Dame’s famous and bestselling EvaTM. This wearable clitoral vibrator stays in place during sex to enhance partner play without getting in the way.

5. Masturbation helps us stay present.

We all have the meditation apps and mindfulness books, but we may be forgetting that sexual pleasure is a simple practice to bring us here and now. “To have great sex with ourselves, we do have to be in the present moment, so there is another benefit,” Dr. Holly confirms. “When we’re taking care of ourselves with our self-pleasure practice…it’s going to help us feel more present instead of being in the shame or depression of the past or in the anxiety of the future.”

Make pleasure a practice.

The conversation surrounding masturbation is quickly changing. It’s no longer something to blush about or keep secret. (And if 76% of women and 92% of men masturbate, was it ever really a secret?) It’s important to remember that talking about masturbation means talking about pleasure. As Dr. Holly puts it, “I’m very much an advocate of any time that we’re defining or looking at sexual health—we’re talking about pleasure.” Dame offers sexual wellness products that put pleasure at our fingertips. But they also offer other products, like their Arousal Serum and Massage Oil, which help us turn pleasure into a practice.

“Dame’s sexual wellness products help us receive more benefits from masturbation because there’s literally something for everyone,” Dr. Holly says. “There’s lube to get you started and so many different kinds of vibrators based on your own sexual template. Dame does such a good job of checking all of those boxes.”

The more pleasure we experience, the better we feel—there’s no question about that. But the science shows that more pleasure also means more health and well-being. From better moods to deeper sleep to brighter skin…we officially have every reason to masturbate more.

Complete Article HERE!

Is It Possible To Masturbate Too Much?

By Kelly Gonsalves

Remember that time on Sex and the City when Charlotte received a rabbit vibrator and fell so in love with it that her friends needed to stage an intervention?

It was a fun and goofy storyline, but it does operate under the assumption that it’s possible to masturbate “too much.” So…is it?

Listen. Sometimes you get your hands on a sex toy that just blows your mind, and you need to spend basically every night with it for a few weeks. Or you’re just having a bit of a hard month, and you just really need to blow off steam in the evenings with a little help from your vibrator. And sometimes there is no reason—you’re just horny, or in the mood, or feeling it, so you go for it. Often.

No one’s judging! But in case you’ve ever wondered if you’re overdoing it, we reached out to sex and relationship therapist Shadeen Francis, LMFT, to get the lowdown on your downtown time.

Can you masturbate too much?

“Self-pleasure is a very low-risk sexual activity,” Francis says.

That said, it’s possible to do anything in excess, including masturbation. Just like you can exercise too much or wash your hands too much—even though those are generally great habits—you can also masturbate too much. 

“If your masturbation habits are causing you mental, emotional, relational, or physical distress, that is an indicator that you may be masturbating more than is currently healthy for you,” she explains.

She emphasizes that pleasure is healthy, and most people don’t have to worry about overdoing it—in fact, the guilt around masturbation is much more likely to negatively affect someone’s well-being than the actual masturbating. “Sexual health includes your awareness of your sexual needs and feeling empowered to act on them safely,” she explains.

Plenty of people masturbate quite often without any negative side effects (here’s how often men masturbate, FYI), and there are also a slew of benefits of masturbation, including relieving stress, easing pain and period cramps, improving sleep, and even potentially supporting your immune system.

But, as Francis points out, if you’re masturbating with a frequency that’s causing physical harm (that is, you’re noticing soreness or bruising) or negative impact on other parts of your life (like feeling consistently distracted by thoughts of masturbating at work such that you can’t accomplish anything), that’s a sign that it’s time to take a pause, evaluate the role masturbation is playing in your life, and potentially make some changes.

It’s also possible for your body to get used to a certain type of stimulation, Francis notes—for example, the feeling of a vibrator on your clitoris or the rhythm of your own hand on your shaft. “They may notice difficulty maintaining their [erection] or reaching orgasm in partnered sex if it doesn’t mirror what they do when they’re alone,” she says, but adds that this issue is easily solved by making sure to mix things up while masturbating or bringing some of your solo activities into partnered sex. (Don’t underestimate the thrill of mutual masturbation, people!) If you want, it may also help to pause on masturbation for a bit before a partnered sexual experience.

Signs you’re masturbating too much.

How much masturbation is too much will depend on the individual, Francis says. A routine that feels great for one person might feel like way too much for another person. Rather than focusing on frequency, focus on how the behavior makes you feel and how it is (or isn’t) affecting your life.

Here are some signs Francis looks for to know if a person’s current masturbation practice might not be healthy for them:

  • It feels like a need instead of a choice.
  • It no longer feels pleasurable.
  • You’re experiencing pain, numbness, or loss of pleasing sensation.
  • There is a significant decline in your availability for sexual presence with partners.
  • You are struggling to keep up with your responsibilities because of how often you masturbate.
  • You’re feeling mental, emotional, or relational distress around masturbating.
  • “The general rule of thumb is that if something is causing unintended pain, you should take that as an indicator that something is wrong,” she says.

    If any of the above feel like they may apply to you or if you simply find yourself continuing to worry about your behavior, consider reaching out to a sex therapist or another qualified sexual health professional who can help you take a closer look at what’s going on.

    The bottom line.

    There’s nothing wrong with masturbating a lot. Most people masturbate because it brings them a little pleasure, relaxation, or relief at the end of a long day or because they just want to have fun connecting with their body.

    Now, if you find your masturbation feels less relaxing and more stress-inducing, or if it feels “out of control” in any way, it’s worth checking in with a professional to make sure everything’s OK.

    But if you generally feel anywhere from amazing to neutral before and after masturbating and aren’t noticing any negative effects on other parts of your life, you probably don’t need to worry. Regular masturbation is a common and generally healthy pastime, so if it’s feeling good, have at it.

    Complete Article HERE!

Can masturbating impact the immune system?

There are claims that masturbation can influence the strength of the immune system, but does any scientific evidence support this? Medical News Today considers the science behind this claim and speaks to experts to find out more.

Can masturbating influence the immune system, and if so, for how long? We investigate.

by Maria Cohut, Ph.D.

Masturbation is a normal, healthy activity — yet myths about it still abound. That is partly because this activity is, even today, highly stigmatized in many societies around the world, perhaps because it can be pursued outside of heteronormative, monogamous relationships.

Meanwhile, studies suggest that the pleasure of masturbation can bring various health benefits, including stress relief, improvements in mood, and pain relief, including the relief of menstrual cramps.

There is also some anecdotal evidence that links masturbation with either increased or decreased immunity. What does the research say about this, and is there enough evidence one way or the other? We investigate.

The studies that look at the potential impact of masturbation on the immune system are few and far between. Moreover, they are affected by the gender data gap, so there is almost no information about the alleged effect as far as female bodies are concerned.

One study from 2004 — published in the journal NeuroimmunomodulationTrusted Source — asked 11 male volunteers to masturbate until orgasm. The researchers drew blood from these participants as they were masturbating, as well as during a control set-up, when no sexual activity was involved.

They then measured the presence of various markers of immune system activity in the blood — leukocytes, lymphocytes, lipopolysaccharide-induced interleukin 6, and tumor necrosis factor alpha — during control conditions, as well as before orgasm, and at 5 and 45 minutes after the volunteers achieved orgasm through masturbation.

The study found that masturbation temporarily increased the activity of some components of the immune system, namely leukocytes, and in particular natural killer cells, which fight cancer tumor cells and cells infected by viruses.

Throughout the years, many media outlets have cited this study to support the idea that masturbation could help improve the immune response — yet health experts warn that the findings should be taken with more than a pinch of salt.

“First, a sample of 11 individuals is not good enough” to prove that masturbation benefits immune function, Dr. Jagdish Khubchandani, a professor of public health at New Mexico State University, told Medical News Today.

“Second, there are no repeat trials on these individuals,” he cautioned.

“Third, they are healthy volunteers, which could cause bias and [a] lack of generalizability — e.g., to different age groups and people with disease histories. Fourth, it is not easy to [determine] if masturbation causes [a] spike in immunoprotective molecules or [if this is due to] the accompanying reduction in stress.”
– Dr. Jagdish Khubchandani

“Finally,” Dr. Khubchandani emphasized, “the bigger concern is about the transient rise in immune markers that could not guarantee long-term immunity enhancement or protection from diseases.”

While the authors of the initial study conducted a “follow-up,” this research did not include the original participants, nor did it focus on masturbation, specifically. The new study, published in European UrologyTrusted Source in 2016, included self-reported data from 31,925 male participants who answered questionnaires about ejaculation frequency over a period of 18 years.

The research aimed to confirm whether there was a correlation between the frequency of ejaculation and the risk of prostate cancer. It did, indeed, find a “beneficial association” between more frequent ejaculation and a lower risk of prostate cancer.

However, as the study authors acknowledged, there were limitations, including the fact that self-reported data can be inaccurate and incomplete and that “The literature exploring the role of sexual activity in the etiology of [prostate cancer] is inconsistent.”

If research into the effects of masturbation on the immunity of male bodies is limited and inconsistent, research into these possible effects on female bodies is even more lacking.

Only one study, published in The Journal of Sexual MedicineTrusted Sourcein 2014, appears to have looked at whether and how sexual activity, including masturbation, in females might influence their immune response.

This research analyzed data from two cohorts that included both male and female participants. It specifically focused on the link between parameters of depression and sexual activity, and how their interaction might influence immunity.

The study concluded that in female participants with high levels of depression, partnered sexual activity resulted in lower markers of immunity. However, the frequency of masturbation was not associated with immunity markers.

Many questions remain unanswered, including those about the potential relationship between depression, various forms of sexual activity, and immunity in females.

According to the limited data provided by the studies on male masturbation, the act of self-pleasuring appears to boost immune cell activity.

Dr. Jerry Bailey, who specializes in men’s health and holistic health practices, explained to MNT that “The increase in arousal state and release of hormones during and after orgasm boosts immune cells and hormones.”

“This effect,” he claimed, “can last up to 24 hours post-orgasm. However, the greatest of benefits are within 60 minutes of orgasm.”

Are any of these possible benefits enough to help prevent viral infections? Health experts emphasize that, as appealing as the idea might be, masturbation does not have a strong enough influence on the immune system to help it keep pathogens at bay.

“Masturbation is not for long-term or sustained immunity development,” Dr. Khubchandani stressed.

He did, however, acknowledge that masturbating can bring some other benefits, such as “help[ing] with good sleep, stress relief, [and] mood elevation.”

Complete Article HERE!

What Is Death Grip

—And What Can You Do About It?

By Gigi Engle

If you haven’t heard of “death grip” among people who masturbate, you’re probably not alone. While many people (especially those with penises) have experienced this common phenomenon, not many have the language to explain the behavior and side effects.

Hence why I, a certified sex educator, am here to fill in the knowledge gaps the vast majority of people currently have. (Thanks for nothing, Random Gym Teacher who taught us how to put a condom on a banana and traumatized us with pictures of genital warts.)

Why We Call It “Death Grip”

Firstly, it’s important to say that there is nothing wrong with masturbation. It is a healthy expression of human sexuality that should be celebrated as normal and OK. Opening the door for a discussion of death grip does not mean we’re suddenly anti-masturbation.

The term “death grip” was originally coined in 2003 by the legendary sex columnist Dan Savage. (Savage was also the first person to use the word “pegging”—that’s when a cisgender man is anally penetrated by someone wearing a strap-on or dildo.) Death grip is not an official medical diagnosis; it’s just a common term for a recognized phenomenon, and it has many causes that need to be identified for the greater good.

Accredited psychosexual and relationship psychotherapist Silva Neves tells TheBody that death grip happens when “men [or people with penises] are masturbating with a strong grip and become used to feeling sensation and pleasure with that kind of hard friction only.”

The (very dramatic) “death” bit comes from the indirect effects of such a tight grip: You become so used to the feeling of your hand holding your penis in a strong, tight way (usually without lube, let’s be real) that your penis has trouble responding to other forms of sexual stimulation.

Now, don’t get too worked up about the scary name and description. Death grip is a very common occurrence—and there are ways around it.

If you’ve experienced (or are currently experiencing) issues with staying hard or ejaculating during partnered sex because of death grip, there are ways to adjust your behavior, re-learn how to feel different sensations, and move on. No amount of furious hand-sex will cause permanent damage.

Why Does Death Grip Happen?

When you constantly, persistently masturbate with your hand, the body starts to become habituated to this routine. Death grip is basically all about consistent, intense stimulation.

This is not limited to one’s hands. If you’re someone who furiously humps mattresses, pillows, or other rough surfaces as your sole form of masturbation, you may also fall into a death grip pattern.

According to Neves, when your body is hella used to getting off from a tight AF grip, you can start to experience “erection problems due to not feeling enough sensation or pleasure with a partner, because the grip of the mouth or vagina is not as strong, or has gentler friction.” This goes for buttholes as well.

Does this sound like you? Because to me, it sure sounds like it applies to the zillions of penis owners around the world who haven’t had comprehensive sex education. I reckon that it is happening all over Planet Earth right now, as you’re reading this. And research shows that those who get a lot of pleasure from masturbation will continue the behavior as habits become deeply ingrained.

So, if you are someone who is experiencing sexual concerns due to death grip, what can you do?

Death Grip Treatment: Technique and Mindfulness Are Hugely Important

Masturbation is not addictive, but it can become a problem in certain contexts. If you’re masturbating intensely, in a certain way, over and over again for your whole life, your sexual patterns can become habituated. Your body is not broken or “addicted” to masturbation; it just doesn’t know how to respond sexually to anything else.

Ty David Lerman, a psychotherapist and certified sex therapist, talked to TheBody about the use of systematic desensitization to address this. You “gradually wean off the specific behavior and introduce new ways of being stimulated; because the type of specific masturbation varies widely, the way to desensitize would also vary,” he explains. “To get the most tailored approach, seeking out a sex therapist is highly recommended.”

If you’re not ready for professional intervention, you can also try some at-home techniques to make progress on your own. This is where technique and mindfulness come into play.

Kenneth Play, a sex hacker and international sex expert, tells TheBody that there is a twofold solution available:

  1. Changing up your masturbation routine.
  2. Introducing mindfulness into your practice.

“This might involve taking a break from porn and fantasizing to just focus on the sensations in your body,” he says. “To truly get in touch with the body, sometimes we need to give the mind a break from the intense stimulation we are used to giving it as well, and use that time to really pay attention and zone in, rather than zoning out in front of a screen.”

The Bigger Picture: Death Grip and How Our Society Treats Masturbation

The bigger social issue with death grip is that it is psychologically dangerous for lots of young penis-owning (and clit-owning) people out there who will walk into the world of real sex and wonder why their penis or clitoris isn’t responding the way they want it to.

This can have all kinds of effects on sexual self-esteem, leading to a possible reduction in social-sexual experiences and more masturbation. It’s a vicious cycle that leaves you in the throes of death grip, without solutions.

And this is why education is so crucial.

While technique and mindfulness will always be important in order to fully experience one’s entire pleasure potential—we are creatures who enjoy variety, after all—so many of the issues caused by death grip could be avoided if we just gave young people access to comprehensive sex education.

As we’ve previously covered on TheBody, comprehensive sex education is so important to our overall well-being that it has the potential to aid in trauma reduction when we’re adults. “Human sexuality is as varied as there are humans,” Lerman says. “Everyone is different on many levels.”

If we universally accepted that masturbation was normal, healthy, and OK; if we educated kids about what porn actually is (and isn’t) instead of allowing it to be their default sex education; if we opened up a door for curious young people to ask questions about sex in a safe and open way—well, there’s no way to measure the positive effects all of this would have on society as a whole.

Masturbation is not bad. You are not bad. Our educational systems are flawed, and we all deserve better. And don’t worry: With some work and perseverance, you can leave death grip behind, and your sex life will flourish. Hang in there, buckaroo.

Complete Article HERE!

9 benefits of masturbation

— why masturbating is good for you

Is masturbating good for you? A sex therapist explains 9 reasons to give yourself an orgasm in the name of self-care.

by Mia Sabat

Masturbation and self-exploration are natural components of human nature. Not only is masturbating pleasurable, but it helps us look after our minds and bodies while better understanding our sexuality. In addition to helping you get to know yourself better, it can also help improve your sexual relationships overall, by giving you the power to articulate exactly what you want when with a partner.

We spoke to sex therapist Mia Sabat at Emjoy, the sexual wellbeing audio app for women, about the health benefits of masturbation.

Is masturbation good for you?

Consider masturbation self-care – it’s a term that implies attending to your personal needs, and attending to your body without feeling guilt or remorse. Why shouldn’t masturbation fall into this self-care category? Masturbation is enjoyable, it enables people to take care of themselves in ways many other self-care rituals don’t, and it brings a wide range of positive side effects and health benefits that can improve people’s daily lives. Plus, it’s free! If you want to masturbate, and are curious to discover more about you and your sexuality, then masturbation can only be beneficial to your mind and body.

Am I masturbating too much?

Masturbating as often as we want is not a problem, unless it ends up being an obsession. If the need to masturbate is constant and we stop doing our usual daily activities to do it or if we can’t control it and end up practicing it in inappropriate places, then there is a problem.

Additionally, if we still do it, despite having irritated or broken skin in the genital region, we should consider seeking support.

Masturbating as often as we want is not a problem, unless it ends up being an obsession.

Many times an addiction can occur because, by masturbating, we release complex chemicals, the most important of which is dopamine. Dopamine is associated with a strong feeling of well-being and it is this feeling that often causes people to become addicted to masturbation. If you fear that you are in this situation, you should visit a sex therapist or your GP.


Health benefits of masturbation

Masturbation releases endorphins

Masturbation offers a wealth of both mental and physical health benefits. One of the best benefits of masturbation is that it comes with the release of endorphins, which are hormones that promote wellbeing and boost your mood.

Masturbation helps to relieve stress and reduce pain

Masturbation further helps your body to combat stress and even reduce, if not relieve, pain. With women, for example, the contractions and endorphins released during the climax can help reduce menstrual pain, with some studies even finding that orgasms effectively reduce migraines and headaches – talk about a natural pain reliever!

female orgasm

Masturbation boosts your immune system

In addition, more and more studies and research are concluding that masturbation and sexual stimulation benefit your overall health: alongside stress reduction, masturbating improves the immune system, helps to exercise the pelvic floor, and helps to improve sleep.

Masturbation helps us connect with ourselves

One of the most important, and often overlooked benefits of masturbation, is that self-pleasure allows us to connect with ourselves. Masturbation gives people the opportunity to understand their bodies, their reactions, and their sexuality, so they can try out new habits and ways to touch themselves when alone. This is crucial because when individuals get to know their bodies better, they are better able to communicate their needs and preferences, which allows them to engage in a more fulfilling sexual experience, both with their partners, and with themselves.


Masturbation gives you a greater understanding of your wants and needs

Masturbation helps us better understand our sexual wants and needs. The more we listen to our body, the more we will appreciate it, boosting our self-esteem and increasing our feelings of desire.

Masturbation increases libido

Both sex and arousal are born in the brain. The more we experience pleasure, the more we want, because we think more about it. When we haven’t had sex for a while, most of the time we don’t even think about it. One of the biggest queries and concerns is the loss of desire or not reaching orgasm: well, without any doubt, masturbation is one of the keys to changing this. But remember: the important thing is to connect with ourselves.


Masturbation can strengthen your anatomy

Masturbation and pleasure should be enjoyed. It should not be an obligation or feel stressful. In addition to the many mental health benefits, masturbation also helps to maintain the elasticity of the vulva and the vagina’s muscles and tissues.

Masturbation improves body confidence

Learning to appreciate and understand the beauty of our bodies is a very powerful thing. Realising that we can make ourselves feel good can help us accept, appreciate and love the amazing body that we have been given, consequently helping us to be kinder to ourselves.

oral sex and stis sexually transmitted diseases

Masturbation can boost our happiness and overall wellbeing

The more you enjoy masturbation, the more you want to do it. This happens because the brain’s reward centre is activated by pleasure and causes us to release hormones that make us feel happy, like serotonin or endorphins, for example. Many people mistakenly think that masturbation is a substitute for sex and it is not. Masturbation is a necessary and rewarding sexual practice, for those that choose to find happiness in that way.


Can masturbation cause a decrease in sexual sensitivity?

Definitely not. It is easy to understand if we take a parallel example: when we are in a jacuzzi, the jets of water put pressure on our skin. We may be numb for a little while after, but that does not make us lose sensitivity in that area forever. Exactly the same thing happens when you masturbate, either with your hands or using a toy.

What can occur is that we create an easy routine to climax and get used to it, as a habit, and then when we want to change the way we experience our pleasure, it can be difficult for our bodies and we get a bit nervous. But it is not because of the loss of sensitivity. The idea of ​​losing sensitivity is a myth, and it is very important that this myth is dispelled.

masturbation health benefits

Can masturbation help ease anxiety during lockdown?

The answer is very personal. Each of us manages our emotions very differently, and the same thing happens with our sexuality. During this period of lockdown, three scenarios are happening: people have completely lost interest in sex, people have an increased interest in sex, some have felt no difference. And I would add that this can fluctuate. We must understand that this situation is new, we don’t know how to behave and that there is not a personal care guide to what we are experiencing.

Three scenarios are happening: people have completely lost interest in sex, people have an increased interest in sex, some have felt no difference.

For this reason, although I do believe that this period of lockdown presents a great opportunity for use to be attentive to our bodies, we must also understand that there may be fluctuations and that not everyone is experiencing the same thing. If you feel like masturbating at the moment, now is as good a time as any. It can lower our anxiety levels, and allow us to sleep better, but only if our bodies and minds feel open to the experience. Never force it. If you are able to reach climax, though, an orgasm can help to dissipate emotional and physical tension, helping you to feel more at ease.

Complete Article HERE!

Mutual masturbation can bring you closer to your partner, even over FaceTime

May is National Masturbation Month, and we’re celebrating with Feeling Yourself, a series exploring the finer points of self-pleasure.

By Anna Iovine

While hot vaxxed summer is rapidly approaching, that doesn’t mean everyone will suddenly drop their virtual connections for IRL experiences. More than half of Hinge users, for example, said they are still likely to go on video dates even when it’s safe to meet in-person.

It’s easier than ever to explore your sexuality online, whether it’s a virtual threeway or mutual masturbation over FaceTime or other video. If you’re wondering why one might want to jerk off on cam while someone else is not only watching but also jerking off on cam, read on.

Benefits of (virtual) mutual masturbation

Mutual masturbation has a number of potential benefits no matter if it’s done in the same physical space or over video, said Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and author of Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire.

If one or both partners aren’t in the mood for intercourse but still want to be sexual together, for example, mutual masturbation is a way to do that.

As Mashable’s Rachel Thompson noted in 2018, mutual masturbation can help close the “orgasm gap” heterosexual women experience by showing their partner what they like.

Lehmiller agreed. “Mutual masturbation can also be a helpful teaching tool for showing your partner what you like and/or the kind of stimulation that helps you to reach orgasm,” he said. “In other words, it can be a sexy ‘show-and-tell’ of sorts and a potentially helpful form of sexual communication.”

“You get to be both a voyeur and an exhibitionist,” said Taylor Sparks, adult travel curator and founder of online sex toy retailer and subscription service OrganicLoven. You have the opportunity to watch someone you want to have sex with — or have already — pleasure themselves.

“You get to be both a voyeur and an exhibitionist.”

“They’re the master of their body,” said Sparks of your partner. “So if there’s anything you want to pick up how to do, they’re about to show you.”

What’s more is that mutual masturbation can be a novelty if you and your partner have never partaken. If you are looking to “expand your sexual menu,” as Lehmiller put it, this act is an easy one to add.

How to bring up mutual masturbation with your partner

Sparks emphasizes the importance of sexual compatibility when approaching a partner about potentially masturbating over video together. Are they uncomfortable discussing their sexual experiences and desires? Would broaching the topic of phone or video sex make them clutch their pearls? If the answers is yes, they may not be down for this activity — and that’s okay. Everyone has different preferences, and perhaps over time they’ll grow more comfortable discussing and exploring sex.

If they’re already comfortable, though, that opens the door to this discussion. Think of sharing your desire for this as talking about any other sexual fantasy, Lehmiller said. Pick the right time and place, like when you’re both aroused. Validate your partner and let them know how attractive you think they are. Then introduce the idea by saying something like, “I think it could be really hot if we try this new thing together.”

“The goal is to start a conversation about it,” Lehmiller said. “See how your partner feels and if they have any concerns.”

Mutual masturbation can bring you closer to your partner, even over FaceTime

You and your partner’s consent, safety, and comfort are the top priorities. If your partner is self-conscious about being watched or has privacy concerns, for example, discuss it. Maybe this activity just isn’t for you, or maybe there are ways these concerns can be addressed. An example Lehmiller gave is establishing that no video will be recorded without mutual consent; another is that for the first time, one partner will masturbate while the other watches.

Pacing is important when it comes to sex, said sex expert and educator Kenneth Play. It’s like a dance: You can go too fast or too slow and it won’t feel right. If you want to do this with someone you’ve just been speaking to online, jumping from chats to asking them if they want to masturbate over Zoom may be too fast (for most folks, anyway), for example.

Play suggests starting with text-based flirting and progressing onto sexy photos and videos. If your dirty talking muscle has atrophied over the pandemic or you just want some guidance, Play suggests reading up on it. The Nice Girl’s Guide to Talking Dirty by Ruth Neustifter is one option.

Nudes and videos can progress into playing with your cameras on, Play continued. To get in the mood, you can watch cam shows together and see what turns you on.

“Take it slowly, test the waters, and show mutual respect for each other’s boundaries and limits,” said Lehmiller. And if your partner isn’t into this idea at all, it’s okay. Don’t try to persuade or push them. Rather, suggest alternate ways of exploring intimacy and encourage your partner to share any ideas they have, too.

“Take it slowly, test the waters, and show mutual respect for each other’s boundaries and limits.”

Have a discussion in advance, advised Lehmiller. Set boundaries, even establish a safe word depending on what type of play you’re doing. Discuss what you’re looking to get out of the experience together. This can help both of you feel relaxed.

One partner can lead the experience, said Play, and that can actually make the experience easier. That partner can tell the other what to do or lead by doing; everyone knows their role. “Setting a framework [for the session] in more of a gamification way is easier,” Play said, “and getting comfortable telling people what you want the other partner to do for you is a good way to practice sexual communication.”

How to create the perfect video set up for mutual masturbation

There are enough dick pic rating sites out there to know that angles are important not just for your face, but elsewhere on your body too. Sparks’ favorite setup is on the bed. If you sit up on the bed and put your laptop “right there” so to speak, you should have a straight shot. You can stack pillows under yourself to give an angle from below, and if your bed is flush against a wall you can lean against it. Sparks finds that the most comfortable.

If you’re using your phone and don’t have a tripod, you can lean your phone against a pile of books. Or, if you want a more “in your face” from below angle, you can go onto your knees and place your phone (or other camera) below you.

Ultimately, it’s not about seeing your genitals…well, not all about seeing your genitals. As Play noted, it’s extremely easy to fill that void with a few clicks onto a porn site. What virtual play is about is eroticism — setting the scene, being in the mood — and intimacy, even if it’s digital.

There’s a reason why OnlyFans and other platforms have blown up over the past few years; people crave that closeness and engagement, Play said. The same is true for some cam performers. But cam shows don’t have to just turn you on. They can be a force of inspiration, he mentioned, in terms of setting up camera angles and how you want to format a shot.

As for lighting, Play recommends red. “Red light is really good on camera,” he said. “Even if your room is messy…it does really work on skin color.” For audio — which Play finds really important, and considering the rise of audio erotica, many agree with him — wireless earbuds can be better than a stationary microphone so when you move around, your mic moves with you.

You can also wear a layer of clothing that you’ll eventually take off so you get progressively more nude.

Don’t hesitate to bring in sex toys, either. Many Bluetooth-enabled options can be controlled from afar — but they’re not perfect, as Mashable’s Jess Joho discovered when testing out “smart” sex toys. If you have the funds to spring for it, Play enjoys the rideable cowgirl machine.

Again, consent and safety are key. While you’re on camera together, Sparks advises to check in on the other person’s body language. Notice their facial expressions and if their body seems stiff. These are essential clues to seeing if someone really wants to be showing themselves on camera. If your partner looks even slightly uncomfortable, stop what you’re doing and talk it out.

Mutual masturbation can enhance your sexual experience and even your relationship with your partner — even if it’s done virtually. Don’t let screens get in the way of your good time. (Though do definitely clean them up afterwards.)

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