‘In the consulting room, I hear euphemisms like rumpy pumpy’

— Why are we so bad at talking about sex?

Today sees the launch of our new sex column, where couples talk openly about what goes on in their bedroom. But honest communication about sex is hard. Here’s how to get better at it

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For many, sex is something easier done than talked about, especially when it comes to our romantic partners. Guardian researcher Kitty Drake came across this a lot while conducting anonymous interviews for our new column featuring couples opening up about their sex lives: people were more concerned about their partner knowing what they thought about their sex life than they were about their sex life appearing in a national newspaper.

“One woman explained it to me,” says Drake. “I was trying to address her anxiety and said, ‘No one will know it is you.’ And she said: ‘But the only person I really don’t want to know what I think of my husband’s lovemaking skills is my husband. And he’s the only one I won’t be anonymous to.”

But the exact reasons behind our struggle to be honest about sex with our partners – whether it’s saying what feels nice and what you’d like more of, or worries that sex is fading from the relationship – are often complicated, and cannot just be explained away by theories of being too uptight, or too polite (a condition also known as being “too British”).

Such struggles are “very common,” says Silva Neves, a sexologist and counsellor. “People are afraid to be shamed for their turn-ons, and afraid their partner might think they’re weird and leave them.”

Fiona Robertson, who has been married for 15 years, agrees: “I think we’re conditioned not to admit to sexual dissatisfaction as it’s some sort of commentary on our beloved partner.”

For the first years of their marriage, Fiona and her husband Malcolm, both 35, had no problem talking about sex – not least because there was no shortage of it. But over the years, as the honeymoon period faded, discussions became fraught. “An added complication is that I’m bisexual, so I think he always had this sense that he couldn’t give me everything I needed,” she says. “Yet after we did open up our marriage, it suddenly became super easy to talk about sex again, because the fear that if we spoke we’d uncover something fatal to our marriage was gone.”

This sort of openness is reflected in a 2022 study, which found that the vast majority of British and American couples surveyed were honest about their sexual satisfaction, and would want their partner to be so too (this is especially true of men). But dig a little deeper and the same survey found that 54% of women admit to faking orgasm, while more than a fifth of men were not honest about how many previous sexual partners they’d had.

But it’s not so simple to say honesty is always the best policy. A 2014 study found that some “pro-social” lies, such as saying you like a gift you actually don’t, may help strengthen bonds.

That said, communication about turn-ons and turn-offs can improve people’s pleasure in the bedroom, and better sex makes for happier couples. In short: it’s about better rather than more communication. So what do we need to talk about?

“Low libido in women is commonly presented as a problem in need of a solution, when in fact fluctuations are absolutely normal,” says Laura McNaught, a psychosexual therapist. And desire itself is complicated. “Sexologists used to think that the human arousal cycle started with desire – feeling horny,” says McNaught. “After that comes arousal, then orgasm, then the comedown ‘refractory’ period.

“This belief has caused a lot of worry, especially in women, when a few years into the relationship they say their libido has gone. But that kind of desire is what we now call ‘spontaneous desire’, and only some people experience it in long-term relationships.” The other desire, he says, is “responsive desire”.

“That’s about having positive intent, so wanting to have sex because it feels good and brings you closer emotionally, and then doing the physical act to bring on arousal. After that comes the desire.”

What about common concerns for men? “Many men get their sense of self-worth from being competent, so hearing that they aren’t ‘competent’ in bed can feel like a dagger to the heart,” she says.

Neves agrees: “Men struggle with the myth of masculinity, which says they have to be good lovers at all times, and have to take charge in the bedroom. Unreliable erections equates to weakness.”

Then, regardless of gender, there’s the issue of what Neves calls “myths and unhelpful messages about sex”. These messages can come from all sorts of places, from pornography to religion, and can often leave people asking, “Is this how it was supposed to be?”

Being honest about sex isn’t only about technique – the “how you touch, where you touch”, says McNaught, “but an overall understanding of how your own sexuality works”.

Darryl Paxman, 40, has been with his partner for five years and they have a one-year-old child together. Paxman says the sex with his partner was always great, and he always found her attractive – although naturally, when their child arrived the sex was less frequent. Plus, secretly Paxman says he was “addicted to porn”.

One day his partner discovered the porn on his computer. Some of it was extreme; some of it was stuff she was into herself. Seeing it opened the door to several conversations, about Paxman’s difficult childhood with a mentally ill parent, but also their own turn-ons and desire. Paxman eventually enrolled into Sex Addicts Anonymous and has since given up porn completely. He says the sex between him and his partner has never been better and that they have never been closer. “It makes me quite sad that if I hadn’t gotten so into porn, I would’ve enjoyed sex so much more.”

Ultimately every relationship is different, and every person has needs and wants that change over time. “All sexual relationships are about the art of compromise. And that’s why communication is so important,” says McNaught. “Sometimes the issue is a simple lack of vocabulary. In the consulting room I hear euphemisms like ‘down below’ for genitals, or ‘rumpy-pumpy’ for sex, because that’s what they know.”

Finding the words to express yourself the way you want can take time. So even if they don’t come easily, it’s important to remember that this isn’t a sign the relationship is doomed – rather it’s just something to be worked on. “If your partner is a good person with matching values to yours, reliable when life is stressful, giving you a hug when you’re sad, and a good laugh, that’s pretty good,” says Neves. “If they’re not the sex God of your dreams it’s OK … You can still spice up your sex life with good communication.”

* Some names have been changed

Complete Article HERE!

From scheduling sex to being selfish

— 10 ways to improve intimacy

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1. Talk about any problems

Things seem to work well without really thinking about it. Then, when it starts going wrong, you don’t quite know how to talk about it, so the situation gets to a point where you’re stuck and you don’t know how to deal with it. The first stage in addressing this is for each person to spend a couple of days thinking about what they see the problem is, and then agreeing to sit down together for a discussion. Take turns saying: “This is what I think the problem is, and this is how it is affecting me.” Out of this comes the opportunity to really get to the heart of the matter and work out what is needed.

2. Look for the reasons why sex might have changed

How did sex use to be? What was intimacy like? What has changed? What are the blocks to sorting it out? There may have been occasions when you might not have wanted to be sexual or you might not have been in the mood, and that got misinterpreted, or there were a few times when you got rejected. And then you get into a pattern of not having sex or avoiding it.

3. Talk about how you first met. And make an effort to look nice

Spend an evening chatting about what you liked about the other person. You can remind each other of what drew you both together. Do that on the first night, then on the next night, dress up, go out for a meal and make an effort to feel and look special. What you’re likely to find is that you’re feeling much more connected and that can lead to noticing desire, feeling sexual, and you can reignite something that has perhaps been lost for a while.

4. Every time you leave the house (and come back) make a point of having a kiss or a cuddle

There is no intention that it is going to lead to sex, you just get used to the idea you can reclaim intimacy. Make a point of saying, “I like what you’re wearing”, send texts to each other throughout the day saying “missing you” and “look forward to seeing you”. In this way you’re recreating some of the behaviours you probably did at the beginning of your relationship and you are giving the message, “I’m noticing you and I like you”, so that the sense of feeling closer to the other person, the emotional intimacy, starts creeping back in.

5. Schedule regular time to be intimate

This is making a commitment to maintaining the relationship by saying: even though sometimes we don’t feel like it, we realise the importance of this and will try to be sexual. It is about not letting gaps appear so then it starts becoming more normal to not have sex. What your scheduling says is that Friday nights are your night, you’ll put some effort into making it special and this can lead to greater intimacy. Perhaps this means having a shower together, or maybe dressing up – above all it is about making a statement that your physical relationship is important, and you are prepared to put in the groundwork, instead of saying it is just about sex.

6. Write down on pieces of paper what really works for you both

Then fold them up and put all of the bits of paper in a jar. I encourage couples to sit down and work out some of the things that each person particularly likes when they are being sexual. Then, whenever you’re going to have some intimate time, pull out a piece of paper and whatever’s there, you’ve got the chance to try. It enables an element of fun and excitement to return into the relationship which can be helpful to maintain the spark.

7. If there is a high level of anxiety attached to sex, introduce mindfulness

I always suggest pelvic floor exercises, because this makes you focus on your genitals, so you become much more tuned into your body. For a man, this can increase the quality of his erection and the chances of more ejaculatory control. For a woman, it is likely to help her to regain a bit more feeling within the vaginal walls and it might help towards arousal.

8. For older couples, slow everything right down

Try having a bath together, so you feel good and in tune with each other. Pay more attention to what position feels comfortable. If there are issues of mobility and flexibility it can be useful to try out positions first. You might want to do this while you’re still dressed when it can feel easier (and warmer).

9. Take turns to be selfish

Say, “I’d really like it if you could give me a back rub”, or “I just really want the opportunity to touch you”. I often suggest couples go to bed and have a period of time when you’re both naked without needing to be sexual. Just lying next to each other, feeling the other person’s skin on your skin can be a very intimate and nourishing moment.

10. Rediscover how to be intimate with each other

There are many reasons why intimacy can change in a relationship. Pregnancy and birth, ageing, body shape, resentment, arguments not being resolved, anxiety, the menopause, erectile problems … It is important to understand why you’ve reached the point where things are dysfunctional, but it is always possible to make changes. I’ve worked with couples who haven’t had sex in six years and it has been a privilege to help them rediscover how to be intimate with each other.

Peter Saddington is a clinical supervisor and a relationship and sex therapist working for Relate.

Complete Article HERE!

A Female Porn Director Shares Her Best Sex Tips

— Anna Richards is the founder of ethical porn platform FrolicMe, which portrays sex in a positive, female-focused light. Believing we’re all capable of having great sex, she says the secret is losing your inhibitions and getting comfortable with what turns you on. From the importance of switching up your stimuli to why dropping expectations in the bedroom can be liberating, here are her tips…

By Tor West

Enjoy It

“Sex is supposed to be fun, and feel good, but in a long-term relationship it can be easy to forget who we are having sex for. This means we don’t stop to look at what sort of sex we enjoy. Remember, we aren’t having sex for anyone else. Too often, we are overly focused on the man’s experience, convinced we need to affirm to him that we are ‘good in bed’ by bringing him to orgasm. However, for sex to be great, we need to have sex for ourselves. Plus, there’s no more of a turn-on for a man than being in the presence of a woman losing herself to her own pleasure.”

Keep The Brain Stimulated

“The brain is our biggest sexual organ, and it needs stimulating to have great sex. In a long-term relationship, it can be easy to slip into maintenance sex to get the job done, but to keep it fresh, you need to change the dynamic. Taking sex out of the bedroom is a good start or try having sex at a different time of the day, like before dinner, so you can relish in the afterglow together earlier in the evening. It’s okay to need to work at reviving your libido as it can be a struggle to put yourself in the mood. Turning to sex-positive ethical erotica sites like FrolicMe or engaging in erotic stories is a great way to stimulate your desire by liberating your erotic imagination.”

Create Your Own Pleasure

“Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you can’t revel in the sexual highs and pleasures of sex. Being single is a great time to explore your own body and learn what it is you enjoy and desire. By exploring your own body through solo masturbation, you will learn so much more about what turns you on for when you are in a partnered relationship. We don’t always know what we like until we give it a try. Get involved with a clitoral stimulator – the choice has never been better, and they can help you reach orgasm. Watch masturbation erotica and learn new techniques – you can even film yourself talking to your phone as you enjoy some solo time. Explain how you feel and what’s turning you on as your body responds to your touch. If you’re in a relationship, you can even send it to your partner – it can feel mind-blowing to know you are thinking of them as you pleasure yourself, as well as being watched.”

If you’re confident in bed KNOWING WHAT YOU WANT, that’s a HUGE TURN-ON for your partner.

Talk About It

“Sex is about pleasure and connection with yourself and your partner. It’s important to communicate and be open with your partner about what you enjoy and what you want. Help each other achieve this desired satisfaction – if it’s reaching an orgasm, talk about what would help and how you can achieve it together. Perhaps you need to incorporate some toys and accessories into your play to help with more sexual stimulus. Take time to explore what you enjoy and let your lover know. If you’re confident in bed knowing what you want, that’s a huge turn-on for your partner.”

Experiment With Joint Masturbation

“It’s a very sexy way to quickly understand and learn how and where your partner stimulates themselves, and what it is they enjoy to reach climax. You can then apply these techniques during partner play in the knowledge of how much it turns them on. Plus, it increases the excitement to know you’re being watched. It can feel great to let your partner hold a toy on you as you masturbate. You can tell and guide them to what you like and where you like it.”

Listen To Audio Porn

“Explore stimulating and arousing your mind by tapping into audio porn, which will fuel your mind with erotic thoughts – you’ll be surprised at how quickly you will feel aroused. Audio porn allows the listener to feel part of a shared fantasy, setting the scene as you may wish to imagine it, creating your personal erotic porn of choice to stimulate pleasure.”

Get Spooning

“Spooning is a classic and simple sex position that’s great for when you’re feeling lazy but crave intimacy. The partner behind you can penetrate you deeply while reaching around and holding you in their arms or touching your genitals and nipples. It’s a great position for new parents who may barely have the energy to move at the end of the day but still want to feel intimate. To level up, try going side by side, which is like spooning. Both lie on your sides but facing each other – the partner being penetrated will wrap their legs above the other partner’s legs to create room for them both and allow deeper penetration. This can feel intimate as you can look into each other’s eyes.”

Penetrative sex SHOULDN’T ALWAYS BE THE FOCUS – sex is about pleasure, which can take many forms.

Go Slow

“If you struggle to have an orgasm during sex, you’re not alone. Don’t forget that less than 25% of women are capable of achieving orgasm through penetration alone and, as clitoris owners, we rely on additional sensations to help us achieve climax. Take the foot off the expectation pedal when it comes to climax, too, as the expectation of an orgasm can put pressure on and hinder your chances. Don’t forget that your partner could be the one to blame – not you. Perhaps they aren’t stimulating you in the right way. Remember you are responsible for your own orgasm, so communication on what you enjoy is important. Take it slow, play and arouse your body, and know that orgasms aren’t based on the clock. Taking your time doesn’t mean you’ve missed your chance. Being more mindful of the moment and letting your mind loose can be a great turn-on.”

Be Intimate

“Don’t think sex is all about penetration. Penetrative sex shouldn’t always be the focus – sex is all about pleasure, which can take many forms. Be creative and look at how you can be intimate with each other. Sex accessories can turn up the dynamic when it comes to sexy fun – blindfolds are good for kinky play while a bullet vibrator can help you achieve incredible orgasms. We still have expectations of sex where penetration is seen as the end of the game with a male ejaculating, and this needs to change. Bodies, pleasure and sexuality need to be equally discussed and normalised.”

Give Erotica A Chance

“Porn gives us the opportunity to expand our ideas, experiment and fantasise, and can inspire us to new forms of play. The problem is, mainstream porn is made for men. Woman-made and woman-centred ethical sites like FrolicMe can be a good place to start, allowing you to feel comfortable and safe. However, make sure you are not rushing into watching porn together until you are able to communicate your sexual needs. Certainly, you can’t get to watching threesomes and consensual BDSM if you are struggling to convey what turns you on. Be clear why you are wanting to share watching some porn with your partner and how you feel it might help with your own adventures. This will also help guide you to what sort of erotic films you should be viewing. Don’t try to be too ambitious in your viewing and build up your preferences through experience. Chat about what turns you on and what you would like to see but also what you wouldn’t.”

Don’t Overthink It

“Sometimes we feel sex is a much bigger issue than it really is. Sex is a part of our life, not our whole life. Rather than thinking of sex, think of it as pleasure and explore what you enjoy and what gets you off. This will help to remove the noise around sex and enable you to focus on yourself, exploring your body and revelling in the euphoria it can offer you. You don’t need someone else to help you evolve sexually – you can work on your own sexual evolution, so that when you have a partner, you can teach them exactly how to please you.”

Visit FrolicMe.com

Complete Article HERE!

What Is Oxytocin?

— Here’s everything you need to know about the aptly named ‘love hormone.’

By Xenia E.

Oxytocin is a natural hormone that can cause powerful effects governing social behavior, reproduction, birth, pleasure and stress reduction. It’s commonly referred to as “the love hormone” for its role in sex, trust and attachment.

“Oxytocin is both a hormone and a neurotransmitter that can make us feel good and feel a sense of connection with those we care about,” explained Susan Milstein, Ph.D., a human sexuality health educator and medical review board member of Women’s Health Interactive in Brooklyn, New York.

Oxytocin is associated with the other feel-good neurotransmitters, dopamine and serotonin. It’s a significant chemical messenger found in all mammals.

How is oxytocin released?

Milstein explained that oxytocin is released in the hypothalamus, above the pituitary gland. The hypothalamus is the part of the brain that governs major functions such as appetite, body temperature, emotion regulation and hormone release.

Oxytocin is then secreted into the bloodstream by the pituitary gland, a pea-sized gland that governs major bodily functions such as metabolism and sexual function. Oxytocin is released in response to nerve activation, such as receiving a massage, birth or breastfeeding.

Oxytocin secreted from the pituitary gland is then released by oxytocin receptors in response to various stimuli.

“Lots of things can cause it to be released, including being aroused by a partner, feeling close to a loved one, exercise or even listening to music,” Milstein said.

Though oxytocin is associated with social behavior, people don’t require the direct contact that its alias, “the love hormone,” would imply.

“You don’t need to have a partner to release oxytocin; spending time with friends can cause it to be released, so can petting your dog,” Milstein said.

You don’t need close proximity to others to release oxytocin, either.

“Exercise, listening to music, masturbation and medication can all cause a release of oxytocin,” Milstein said.

Low-intensity stimulation on the skin, such as holding hands or a massage, and warm temperatures can trigger a release of the hormone, too.

But there is a reason behind the hormone’s nickname. Milstein said people think of oxytocin as either “the love hormone” or the “cuddle hormone” and associate it with birth and babies.

“All of these are accurate. Oxytocin is released during both sexual arousal as well as during cuddling and sensual massage. Touch or being around someone we care about can both lead to the release of oxytocin,” Milstein added.

Oxytocin is also one of the few hormones whose production and release have a positive feedback loop, meaning activation stimulates the pituitary gland to produce more of it. The most common point of reference for oxytocin’s feedback loop is during birth, when oxytocin creates uterine contractions and its release results in stronger contractions.

What is oxytocin associated with?

Oxytocin’s wide-ranging effects are associated with childbirth, breastfeeding, sex, social behavior, stress and a birthing parent’s ability to bond with their infant. Oxytocin also governs many emotions, such as happiness and affection. Oxytocin was initially deemed a “female” hormone because of its role in childbirth and breastfeeding, but it is present and significant in males and females. However, oxytocin levels may be higher in women. It’s rare for people to produce inadequate oxytocin levels.

Numerous studies on animals and humans show surprising benefits of the hormone: It may help with addiction cravings, wound healing, infant bonding and social stress. Researchers are exploring the hormone’s role in mental health, namely addiction, depression, eating disorders and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Much of this research is in the preliminary stages.

Stress and oxytocin

“Oxytocin can help bring down our blood pressure and our cortisol levels. Cortisol is one of our stress hormones, and as those levels come down, our bodies will get to relax,” Milstein said.

Oxytocin can also increase pain tolerance.

The use of oxytocin has been postulated as a concept to alleviate psychiatric symptoms, because of oxytocin’s effects on stress regulation. Oxytocin has also been found to reduce anxiety-related behaviors and plays a significant role in sleep promotion.

Birth, lactation and infant bonding

Oxytocin is released during childbirth and breastfeeding, Milstein explained. The word “oxytocin” comes from the Greek language and means “swift birth,” and there’s a reason for the accurate translation: Oxytocin stimulates uterine contractions. Then oxytocin release continues after childbirth and helps the birthing parent birth the placenta.

Oxytocin can also be administered as an agent to induce labor or speed up a labor that began on its own. After oxytocin is administered, contractions usually start shortly afterward. Oxytocin’s release may also boost the production of prostaglandins, which also help stimulate uterine contractions.

During breastfeeding, oxytocin takes on an impressive role. Oxytocin helps to stimulate lactation in response to nipple stimulation when an infant is breastfeeding; oxytocin causes breast milk to release. The “letdown reflex” or “milk ejection reflex” allows breast milk to flow, which causes a release of oxytocin in the bloodstream. The reflex is conditioned by a nursing parent thinking about their baby, expecting to feed or hearing their infant cry.

Various animal studies associate an increase in care and bonding with offspring with increased oxytocin levels. The other feel-good effects of oxytocin also help new parents care for their infants. Oxytocin may also increase levels of affection, which is part of the reason skin-to-skin contact is recommended after birth; holding an infant increases oxytocin levels.

If you can have oxytocin administered during birth, is it possible to take a prescription version and receive the same touted benefits of the hormone? Clinical trials are examining its effects as a nasal spray. Some studies find taking a synthetic version of the hormone exacerbates stressors and increases hypersensitivity.

The effects of naturally occurring oxytocin are extensive. From being instrumental in birth and lactation to helping direct social behavior and regulating stress, there’s a reason this hormone is classified as a feel-good one. There are also plenty of ways to release oxytocin: through sex, exercise, hugging, spending time with loved ones and listening to music. Much of the research around oxytocin as a treatment for addiction and psychiatric disorders is still emerging, but there’s reason to continue to explore its capabilities.

Complete Article HERE!

What is hotpast?

— Meet the men who get turned on hearing about their partners’ sexual past

“We sometimes use her vibrator and pretend it’s an ex”

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When 40-year-old Louis* and his wife have sex, he thinks about her exes. He pictures her with them, in scenarios based on real encounters from her past. He might even imagine himself as them, or ask his wife to recount racy stories when they have sex. While this might be the very last thing many people would want to think about, for Louis, it’s actually a turn on.

The pair have been together for 12 years, but around five years ago Louis started feeling curious about his wife’s past. One day, he asked her about her exes and previous one-night stands. “I couldn’t keep my hands off her while she told me,” he recalls. “I’d never asked any of my partners that question before. My wife was surprised that I wanted to know what other men did to her, how she liked it, and how it felt for her.”

While society has largely moved past the idea women should save themselves for marriage, we are still obsessed with their sexual pasts. This can materialise in TikTok vox pops about women’s ‘body counts’, in so-called ‘virginity auctions’, or in private romantic relationships, where former lovers are often the source of jealousy, competition, and insecurity.

But, while many squirm at the idea of their partner doing anything sexual with someone else (even retroactively), some are wildly turned on by it. They might get off thinking about a spontaneous one-night stand their partner had, role play as an ex during sex and recreate a specific encounter, or simply encourage their partner to indulge them in sultry stories from their past. And, like with all sexual interests, there’s a fetish – and therefore a subreddit – dedicated to it. Welcome to ‘hotpast’.

The subreddit has nearly 86,000 members, and predominantly consists of men. (As a comparison, a counterpart subreddit for women to share hotpast stories of their partners only has 202 members). Hotpast is particularly steadfast in its conversation topics – users can only post about the past sexual exploits of their partners, with talk of cuckolding (being aroused by being cheated on), hot wives (encouraging your spouse to cheat on you), swinging and plain old cheating banned. Posts tend to consist of tantalising anecdotes – “She blew a professional footballer in a car park” – stories of how couples are incorporating the fetish into their sex lives – “Having sex in the same places she had sex with other people” – and advice, sometimes about navigating occasional pangs of jealousy.

Why some men fetishise their partner’s former sexual activities may in fact be tied to those more typical feelings of jealousy and insecurity the stories inspire. “This transformation may represent a process called ‘eroticisation of fear’,” writes psychologist and sex therapist David Ley, “whereby people overcome something they fear by turning it into a sexual experience, transforming the power of their fear into an erotic engine.”

This is a sentiment echoed by many hotpast fetishists, including 33-year-old Martin*. “The fetish felt like the antidote to the insecurity and jealousy I was dealing with early on in my relationship,” he tells British GQ, explaining that these feelings stemmed from the pair’s imbalance in sexual experience. Martin lost his virginity to his current partner of over a decade, but she’d had several sexual encounters before him. To counteract the jealousy, he tried to reframe the encounters as arousing instead. Now, he “masturbates to thoughts of [his partner] doing sexual acts with her exes often.”

That’s not to say the fetish is always about jealousy. For Louis, it’s more about being part of his wife’s past pleasure. “I’m sure she’s had a few great times in bed without me and I wouldn’t want to shame her into thinking she can’t think of those again since we’re married,” he says. “I’d like to enjoy those times with her. We sometimes use her vibrator and pretend it’s an ex; when she [orgasms], she’ll [think about] him and their past, and what they did at [a particular] moment.”

Both Martin and Louis have been with their partners for over 10 years, and have each divulged their fetish. They both say their partners are happy to share details of their sexual past – but that the fetish is very much theirs. “It’s been a slow process. I try to [incorporate it into our sex lives] when possible, but not pry too much,” Martin says. “The technique of this fetish is to not overplay your hand and constantly ask for details during sex.”

Still, where things become complicated is when the question of who this fetish is really serving comes up. Many men I spoke to suggested that their partners sometimes, as one of them said, “grow weary” with what can manifest as a barrage of questions about their sexual history. There might be a risk, then, that men put their own hedonism before their partner’s enjoyment or comfort.

In these instances, fantasy storytelling might be a more suitable alternative to recalling genuine stories. Fifty-year-old Tony* says this worked for him in previous casual relationships. Referencing an affair he once had with a married woman, he recalls: “She even got to the point of either embellishing activities or creating elaborate stories about adventures that were fiction or fantasy. In any case, they were plausible in so many dimensions that it fed my desires.”

For some, like 53-year-old HK, the fetish is just another way of keeping the spark alive in long-term relationships. “It’s definitely kept my interest during rough patches in our 26-year marriage,” he says. “I enjoy thinking of how others must have been excited and aroused seeing her.”

Hotpast, like consensual non-monogamy and ;polyamory, hint at an increase in both open-mindedness and a lack of possessiveness in modern relationships. “I suspect that these men likely tend to be lower on antisocial tendencies, higher on empathy, and lower on characteristics of ‘hostile masculinity’,” wrote Ley, “but this remains to be seen empirically.”

37-year-old Bradley* from Canada – who says he “doesn’t have a jealous bone in his body” – appears to fit this description. “I love thinking about [my wife] in sexy, pleasurable scenarios, and I’m happy she had an active and fulfilling sex life before we met… and since,” is the simple way he explains his fetish.

As to why there doesn’t seem to be many women interested in the hotpast online, it may, in part, speak to a wider trend of niche internet sexual subcultures being dominated by men, rather than a lack of women fantasising about their partners’ pasts. The r/CuckqueanCommunity on Reddit has nearly 100k members – though this pales in comparison to the 1.2 million on r/Cuckold.

However, it could also be down to the fact men have historically had a far great license to be promiscuous than women, and so fetishing their sexual history isn’t as taboo-breaking. As Ley pointed out, this can be linked to Freud’s Madonna-Whore complex; maybe more men are realising that they can both desire and love the same person, which might actually help them “create a new, more holistic view of their wife”.

Whether the men of hotpast actually want their partners to act on these fantasies is another matter. When asked about this, most of the men give the same response. “It’s fun to think and fantasise about, but I’m not 100 per cent sure I’d want to have her do it,” admits HK.

Tony agrees. “We talk about how I’d like to watch her have sex,” he says. “I’d like to watch her in an MFM threesome or in a scene or activity that’s from her wilder adventures. It sounds good, but I’m not sure I’d really want to sit back and watch. There’s concern with jealousy. Will I be upset about things she’s doing? One’s imagination is often better than the reality.”

Complete Article HERE!

The Pleasure Centers On Your Body You Didn’t Even Know About

By Hannah Rice

Most people have heard the expressions “getting to first base” or “scoring a home run.” These sayings turn sports metaphors into sexual allusions, hinting at a certain goal that is supposed to result from physical intimacy. And, to plenty of folks, that mentality makes sense. After all, is there a problem with bringing an “eyes on the prize” attitude into the bedroom? Well, according to sexologists, the answer is: Yes.

Debby Herbenick, PH.D., M.P.H., is a sexual health professor, per her personal website. In a piece she wrote for Psychology Today, Herbenick explained that being too focused on one area of the body can be detrimental to one’s sex life. “In the quest for sexual pleasure, we too often focus squarely on one another’s genitals as if those few square inches hold the only key to ecstasy,” she wrote. Apparently, this sense of tunnel vision can lead to dissatisfaction over time. Herbenick warned, “[S]ex runs the risk of turning stale unless partners pay attention to each other and to more than just the [obvious pleasure centers].”

To achieve a happier and healthier sex life, couples can try to let go of goal-based intimacy and strive for something more holistic. One way that partners can do this is by focusing less on the areas below the belt and, instead, putting more effort into other parts of the body. In doing so, couples can discover the many pleasure centers that exist, from their scalps to their toes.

The lower back

Woman touches partner's back

At first glance, the lower back might not seem like the sexiest part of the body. However, sexologists report that it is actually a powerful pleasure center. According to Astroglide’s resident sexologist, Dr. Jess O’Reilly, the lower back can experience intense feelings of enjoyment. As O’Reilly told SheKnows, certain individuals find that, “their lower back is the most sensitive area of their body.” Per the sexologist, the area can be stimulated through some tickling, and can even result in “orgasmic sensations.”

The reason for the lower back’s intense sensitivity can be traced to the area’s anatomy. In an interview with Metro, Dr. Deborah Lee, a sexual health physician, revealed that many women experience lower back pleasure, thanks to a bone called the sacrum. Located above the tailbone, the sacrum is able to stimulate many of the nerve endings in the pelvic area. Per the doctor, many women can experience orgasm when their partner massages this area. “A ‘sacr[al] orgasm’ is another way of achieving female orgasm, by directly stimulating nerves in the sacral [lower back] area,” she told Metro. While Dr. Lee suggested massaging the lower back on its own, she also recommended touching this body part throughout intercourse. “Women often find sexual stimulation, such as stroking, or applying pressure on their lower back directly over the sacral region, highly pleasurable during sex,” she revealed.

The shoulders

Woman receives massage

The lower back isn’t the part of the body that could benefit from a nice, gentle massage. A good old-fashioned shoulder rub could also help partners access their pleasure centers by fostering a sense of relaxation. According to My Health Alberta, shoulder massages can help reduce tension and relieve stress. And the more relaxed that partners feel during an intimate moment, the more satisfaction they experience.

The reason for this is that stress has a direct impact on sex drive. In an interview with Talkspace, psychologist Rachel O’Neill, Ph.D., LPCC-S, explained that an increase in stress can cause a decrease in sexual activity. “When you’re stressed … you may not feel much responsive or spontaneous desire for sex,” O’Neill revealed. The psychologist also went on to warn that stress can actually make sex feel like a chore. “It’s also possible that you may simply feel like sex is one more thing that you need to add to your to-do list,” she added.

Luckily, however, taking time to relax can greatly impact one’s libido. As sex therapist Diane Gleim LMFT, CST, wrote for a piece in Psychology Today, “Relaxation is a necessary part of not just sex but good sex.” Partners looking to sink into that relaxed state can exchange pleasurable shoulder massages. To achieve this, Health Alberta recommends “kneading” the two shoulder muscles softly and then slowly increasing pressure. For maximum enjoyment, try adding a soft squeeze to the back of the neck.

The spine

A fulfilling spine massage

While giving a relaxing shoulder massage, partners might want to stimulate some of the body’s other pleasure centers. One thing to consider is adding in some spine play. According to the experts, this can be a great way to simply enjoy your partner’s body or set the mood for sex. Chantelle Otten is an Australian psycho-sexologist who has also worked as an ambassador for Love Honey. In an interview with Body+Soul, Otten noted that not everyone knows just how pleasurable spine stimulation can be. “A zone that people can neglect is the spine,” she lamented. Nonetheless, the psychotherapist opined that many partners will enjoy spine stimulation if they follow a few tips. “[O]nce you trail a single finger, a pinwheel, or perhaps a feather tickler, down the length of your partner’s spine, you won’t forget this zone in a hurry,” she told Body+Soul.

The reason that spinal pleasure is so powerful has to do with the spine’s function in the body. As per the Cleveland Clinic, the spine sends nerve signals from the body to the brain and vis-versa. This means that one of your spine’s jobs is to report sensations back to your brain. And, as noted in Psychology Today, the spine even has a special pathway that only sends “pleasant touch” signals from the body to the brain. Because of this, partners might consider stimulating each other’s spines using their fingers, tongues, or even toys.

The armpits

Girl shows off underarms

Armpits might not have a great overall reputation. After all, they are one of the only body parts that inspired a special product designed to control their smell. (Cue: deodorant.) Nonetheless, armpits are a powerful part of the body when it comes to their erogenous potential. For one thing, armpits are rumored to secrete the scents that generate sexual attraction. As licensed sex therapist Vanessa Marin, MFT, told Insider, “Some people believe the armpits to be an erogenous zone because they may secrete pheromones, but this is still debated.” For another thing, armpits are extremely sensitive to touch.

According to sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, MA, a lot of people experience the armpits as a pleasure center simply because this zone is so often ignored during sex. In a conversation with mindbodygreen, Steward elaborated, “Kissing and teasing the armpit can be sexy for you, especially because it is a zone that doesn’t get touched often, so it’s more sensitive than a lot of the areas on the body.” She also explained that underarm pleasure doesn’t have to stop at simple touching. “Armpits get a bad rap because of the odors they emit, but for some of us, armpits are [also] erogenous to smell,” she added.

The neck

Woman touches her neck

The neck can be a serious pleasure center, thanks to the area’s overall sensitivity. As sexual health physician Dr. Rahul Gupta, MD, pointed out in a piece for Lybrae, both the nape of the neck and the back of the neck are “pleasure points” for some people. According to the physician, “[The nape of the neck is an] erogenous spot … packed with nerve endings.” Later, he explained that the blood flow through the back of the neck also stimulates feelings of pleasure. In a section on this area, Gupta wrote, “[Y]our neck acts as a hot spot: it’s extremely sensitive, full of blood vessels, and is associated with vulnerability.”

To stimulate neck pleasure, partners can try a unique breathing technique suggested by clinical sexologist Debra Laino, Ph.D. In an interview with Women’s Health, Laino revealed that partners can exhale on each other’s necks to achieve enjoyable results. “Even a faint breath excites the nerve endings on the neck and can be very arousing for both men and women,” Laino said. To put this principle into practice, partners can try lying down side-by-side and blowing lightly on the skin between the lower ear lobe and the collarbone. As things heat up, adding other factors, like kissing, nibbling, or licking, per Laino’s conversation with Women’s Health, can be fun.

The feet

Couple lounges in bed

The feet have long had a reputation for inspiring sexual desire, thanks to the notoriety of foot fetishes in contemporary culture. However, beyond the psychological stimulation that feet can create in some people, this body part can also produce physical pleasure. As Love Honey sexpert Annabelle Knight emphasized in an interview with Metro, “It is worth remembering, too, that the feet are erogenous zones in their own right, with 7,000 nerve endings.” Because of this massive quantity of nerve endings, some people can even achieve orgasm through foot stimulation– Although Knight explained that it’s not common. “Foot orgasms are incredibly rare and it is unlikely that you will be able to achieve an orgasm through foot stimulation alone,” she told Metro.

Nonetheless, there are plenty of ways that partners can enjoy each other’s feet. Per clinical sexologist Aliyah Moore, couples can start out by giving each other a simple foot massage. In an interview with Elle, Moore elaborated, “Many nerve endings cover the feet … So, massaging them creates exciting and intense sensations.” To alternate or vary these sensations, Moore recommended using toys. “For example, tickle your partner’s feet using a feather or a wisp of cotton or any subtly sharp object. You can also alternate between warm and cold things to stimulate the feet,” Moore told Elle.

The ears

Man whispers into ear

In the movie “Meet the Fockers,” Barbara Streisand’s character, Roz Focker, dished out some iconic sex advice: Stimulate the ears. In the context of a comedy film, this advice might seem funny. However, according to science, Roz Focker might just have been right. Per Medical News Today, the human ear has 25,000 nerve endings — More than three times the number of nerve endings in the feet. Because of this, the outlet reports, some people can even achieve orgasm through ear stimulation alone.

While not everyone may want to try for an “eargasm,” there are several alternative ways to experience ear pleasure. According to clinical sexologist Steve McGough, Ph.D., a massage can effectively stimulate this pleasure center. As McGough revealed in an interview with Women’s Health, gently massaging the ear can be especially enjoyable. “This area is connected to the vagus nerve, which travels from the skull downward through the heart, nipples, and genitals,” he told the outlet. McGough added that this massage could be especially stimulating for women. “Research has shown that the vagus nerve is involved in female orgasm,” he shared.

Luckily, a massage isn’t the only way to evoke ear pleasure. Partners can also use their fingertips and mouths to make each other feel good. In an interview with Insider, licensed sex therapist Vanessa Marin, MFT, advised: “Try lightly caressing with a fingertip, nibbling on the earlobe, or tracing your tongue around the back of the ear.”

The cheeks

Kiss on the cheek

For some people, a kiss on the cheek seems more fit for their grandma than, say, a lover. However, when incorporated into a sexual context, cheek kisses can also be erogenous. According to Jenni Skyler, Ph.D., a certified sex therapist and the director of The Intimacy Institute, the cheeks respond well to touch. Speaking to Women’s Health, Skyler explained, “The cheeks are actually really sensitive. If you have your partner close their eyes as you softly caress their cheek, that can be really arousing.”

Interestingly, cheeks aren’t just a physical pleasure center — They are also an emotional one. In an interview with Elite Daily, body language expert Tonya Reiman analyzed the emotional impact of touching someone’s face. “When someone touches or strokes your hair and/or face during sex, it is typically a demonstration of affection. This is primal; it shows that they want to connect with you on more than a mere physical level,” Reiman said. The best part is that a kiss on the cheek can be extremely meaningful for the receiving partner. As New York-based sex therapist Stephen Snyder, M.D., told Women’s Health, this gesture “can activate deep feelings of being cared for.”

Consequently, partners looking to bring more sentimentality into their sex lives might want to stimulate each other’s cheeks. Caress them with a finger, nuzzle them with the nose, or shower them with kisses. Ultimately, showing the cheeks some love can also make one’s partner feel more loved.

The wrists

Couple uses handcuffs

Just like the cheeks, the inner wrist can be a pleasure center emotionally and physically. Nonetheless, NetDoctor reports that not everyone knows that this region has the potential to send shivers up the spine. As sex therapist Mia Sabat told the outlet, “It mightn’t be the first spot that comes to mind when you think of erogenous zones, but the inner wrist is incredibly sensitive.” Beyond the inner wrist’s physical sensitivity, the region also has the power to foster intimate communication between partners. In her conversation with NetDoctor, Sabat revealed, “Feeling your partner’s heart rate increase as you caress [their inner wrist] will turn you on, too.”

Some couples may also want to use their wrists to introduce a little bit of power play into their sex lives. According to sexologist Goody Howard, MSW, MPH, pairs can achieve this when one partner grabs the other one’s wrist during a sexual interaction. In an interview with mindbodygreen, Howard said, “Being pinned down by the wrists or a firm grip during a make-out session is common. Pressure play is a great way to explore pleasure with the wrists.” Couples looking to spice up their wrist play even further may consider experimenting with handcuffs or other forms of bondage.

The belly

A couples in bed

The belly represents a key piece of real estate on the human body as it is situated immediately above the genitals. Because of its prime location, the belly experiences heightened levels of sensitivity and erotic pleasure (via Insider). And, per a conversation between Women’s Day and certified sexuality educator Amy Levine, a small minority of people can orgasm from doing an ab workout. Levine told the outlet, “It’s unlikely that the majority of us will be able to experience [this] effect, but incorporating some ab work in the bedroom could help get you in the mood. Not to mention, the thought of [your partner] moving farther south can be downright exciting.”

While doing abdominal exercises could be very rewarding for some, it might be … well, anticlimactic for others. To stimulate the belly without doing crunches, partners can try gently touching each other’s stomachs. In an interview with Women’s Health, clinical sexologist, Renee Lanctot, Ph.D., recommended focusing on the region surrounding the belly button. “One of the best ways to approach belly button play is by circling the area: Use large circles that converge slowly, using the belly button as your bullseye,” Lanctot suggested. While some couples may enjoy using their fingers, others might prefer to use their tongues, or even a toy.

The scalp

Woman massages man's scalp

It’s no secret that a head rub can feel fantastic, but some folks may not know that the scalp is actually one of the body’s main pleasure centers. Because of its many nerve endings, the scalp is extra sensitive to touch, according to Prevention. This means that sexual partners can unlock the scalp’s feel-good potential via a gentle massage. According to Australian psycho-sexologist Chantelle Otten, one effective scalp rub technique can really heat things up during a make-out session. In an article for Body+Soul, Otten advised, “[O]nce you start kissing, run your nails through your partner’s hair and down the back of their scalp and neck to bring on those pleasurable feelings.” She suggested adding a bit of neck and ear action into this scalp play: “Moving your thumbs up behind the ear and down the nape of the neck are really hot ways to incorporate multiple erogenous zones.”

For partners looking to explore the spicier side of scalp play, it might also be gratifying to incorporate a bit of hair-pulling. As certified sex educator Emma McGowan told Glamour, hair-pulling can stimulate the scalp in a deeply satisfying way. “Your scalp has thousands of little nerve endings, and if you’ve ever had your hair pulled during sex, you know it’s an erogenous zone,” she told the outlet. Before pulling someone’s hair, however, remember that it is important to ask for consent.

The hands

Holding hands in bed

Holding hands can be a sweet gesture in public, but in private, it can actually be kind of steamy. In an interview with Well+Good, sexologist Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., explained that the hands are a pleasure center, capable of receiving intense enjoyment. To tap into these good feelings, O’Reilly suggested that partners try rubbing each other’s palms. “Consider giving your partner’s hand (or your own) a sensual massage using your thumb to work in sweeping ovals … You can also trace your fingertips around the palm with a feather-light touch or play with their fingers in your hand with a gentle stroking and circular motion,” she told Well+Good.

Couples looking to connect more deeply during sex might also consider using their hands to foster a sense of emotional closeness. Patti Wood, a body language expert, told Elite Daily that holding hands during these intimate moments can help partners bond. As Wood told the outlet, “[Holding hands during sex is] a sign of tenderness, and it’s a signal of connection, rather than just passion or lust.” The body language expert added that a person who grabs their partner’s hand is trying to communicate their desire for closeness. “They want to maintain a connection with you that has more intimacy attached to it,” Wood affirmed.

Complete Article HERE!

Is Outercourse the Same Thing as Abstinence?

— And 5 Other Questions, Answered

By Maisha Johnson

What is it?

Outercourse is an option for sexual activity without intercourse. When you get down to the details, that means different things to different people.

For some, it’s everything except penis-in-vagina (PIV) penetration. For others, outercourse means no penetration of any kind, including fingers, sex toys, and anal sex.

Some choose outercourse as a safe sex alternative. They put boundaries around any activity that can cause pregnancy or transmit sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

Your personal definition of outercourse may depend on your reasons for trying it.

Intrigued? Read on to learn more about how it works and what this might mean for you.

Is it the same thing as abstinence?

It might!
Like outercourse, being abstinent can have different meanings, depending on who you ask.

Some people practice abstinence because they’re not yet ready for sexual activity. For them, being abstinent may mean no outercourse.

For others, the definitions of abstinence and outercourse can overlap.

If you think of sex as any type of penetration, for example, then sticking to sexual acts without penetration can count as abstinence.

What counts as outercourse?

Since the definition of outercourse varies, the activities that count as outercourse all depend on who’s practicing it.

Outercourse might include any of the following:

Kissing

Don’t underestimate the power of a kiss. Making out can be a great way to build intimacy. Kissing different parts of the body can help you and your partner discover what turns you on.

Massage

Getting your massage on can be super sexy in the right circumstances. Set the scene with some candles or mood lighting, and use lubrication like hot or scented oils. Share intimate details with your partner about where you both like to get rubbed down.

Dry humping

That’s a term you might not have heard in a while. But dry humping isn’t just for teenagers. Grinding your body against your partner’s can be pleasurable at any age. You can even see how you like different positions, clothing materials, and role play for different types of pleasure.

Mutual masturbation (in some definitions)

Who knows how you like to be touched better than yourself? Masturbation doesn’t have to be a solo activity. You and your partner can masturbate together while kissing, cuddling, and showing each other what feels good.

Sex toys (in some definitions)

There’s a whole world of sex toys out there just waiting to be explored, and there’s a good chance you can find one for the type of stimulation you’re looking for.

For example, if you want genital stimulation without penetration, vibrators can target the clitoris or the head of the penis for an arousing time.

Manual stimulation (in some definitions)

You and your partner can take turns pleasuring each other with hand jobs or fingering, or pleasure each other at the same time.

Here’s one way to keep things exciting: Try various types of lubricants, like warming and cooling lubes, to see how you like different sensations along with your hand and finger play.

Oral sex (in some definitions)

Blow jobs, cunnilingus, rimming: There are many options for using your mouth on your partner’s genitals and other pleasure zones. And when your partner’s mouth is giving you oral sex, let them know what you’d like more and less of.

Anal sex (in some definitions)

Anal sex can be enjoyable for people of all genders and can involve a penis or sex toys. Your ideal sex toys for anal penetration might be different from the ones you like for other body parts, so anal play can be a chance to try out new toys.

Is pregnancy possible?

No intercourse, no pregnancy, right? At least, that’s usually the idea if intercourse would mean PIV penetration.

It’s true that the chances of pregnancy from outercourse are pretty slim, but it isn’t impossible.

Pregnancy can happen if fluids get in the vagina, like by accidentally dripping semen on the vulva or by fingering the vagina after touching semen.

Washing hands after handling ejaculate or pre-ejaculate can help, as well as being careful about where semen ends up anytime it’s involved in your outercourse.

Another case that could result in pregnancy? Deciding in the moment that you want to have intercourse after all.

If you’re ready for it, and both you and your partner are in agreement, there’s no reason to beat yourself up about it.

But unprotected PIV sex can get you or your partner pregnant, even if it only happens once.

Just in case this happens, it’s helpful to keep protection like condoms on hand or to be on birth control.

Are STIs possible?

Contracting STIs is also possible in some cases.

Anytime your outercourse includes genital contact or sexual fluids (like semen and vaginal wetness), there’s a risk of STIs.

For example, if you dry hump naked or with only underwear, the skin-to-skin contact can transfer bodily fluids even without penetration.

Oral sex, anal sex, and sharing sex toys can also pass STIs.

To reduce your risk, use protection like dental dams and condoms. Get tested regularly if you’re doing anything that might put you at risk for STIs.

What’s the point?

Still wondering why outercourse is worth it when you could be having “real sex” instead?

Well, don’t knock it just yet. There are many situations where outercourse might be a great option.

Anyone can practice outercourse, no matter your gender, sexual orientation, or whether or not you’ve had intercourse before.

Here are some reasons a person might be interested in outercourse:

  • You don’t have protection, like if you forgot to bring condoms or take your birth control.
  • One partner doesn’t want to be penetrated or penetrate due to not feeling ready, a painful health condition, trauma, or body dysphoria.
  • You’re tracking fertility and want to avoid the risk of pregnancy on days when one partner is more likely to get pregnant.
  • You want to avoid having sex during your period or your partner’s period.
  • One partner is having a condition flare up or not feeling up for intercourse.
  • You want to understand your own body more.
  • You want to practice and learn how to ask for what you want, or learn more about your partner’s likes and dislikes.
  • You or your partner aren’t interested or ready yet for sex.
  • You’ve tried intercourse and decided you need more time before you’re ready for more.
  • You want to mix things up and try something sexual that’s not intercourse.
  • You’d like to learn how to get the most out of your foreplay leading up to intercourse.

The bottom line

It’s easy to get trapped into thinking that sex means one course of action: foreplay, penetration, and orgasm.

But there are many ways to enjoy sexual pleasure. Lots of people have body types, desires, and needs that go beyond traditional ideas of intercourse.

Exploring the options outside of intercourse has proven to increase sexual pleasure, even for people who practice intercourse, too.

Regardless of your reasons for practicing it, outercourse is a fun way to try new things, focus on different pleasures, and explore what sensuality really means to you.

Complete Article HERE!

Is Your Partner A Man-Child?

— No Wonder You Don’t Feel Like Sex

The man-child phenomenon is a real thing. And scientists have studied it.

By and

A man sits on the couch, watching TV. His partner, a woman, prepares dinner, while mentally ticking off her to-do list. That includes returning her partner’s shirts she’d ordered online for him last week, and booking a GP appointment for their youngest child.

He walks in and asks her “what’s for dinner?”, then goes back to the TV.

Later that night, he’s surprised she’s not interested in sex.

The people in this scenario are a woman and a man. But it could be a woman and her child. The dynamics are very similar – one person providing instrumental and emotional care, and the other receiving that care while showing little acknowledgement, gratitude or reciprocation.

You’re reading about a man who depends on his partner for everyday tasks that he is actually capable of. Some people call this the “man-child” phenomenon.

Maybe you’ve lived it. Our research shows it’s real.

The man-child is real

The man-child phenomenon (or perceiving a partner as dependent, as we call it) describes the blurring of roles between a partner and a child.

You may hear women describe their male partners as their “dependent” or one of their children.

When a partner starts to feel like they have a dependent child, it’s not surprising if that affects a woman’s sexual desire for him.

We set out to explore whether this might explain why many women partnered with men report low sexual desire.

Surprisingly, until our study, there were no studies that had tried to directly measure the impact of the man-child phenomenon on women’s sexual desire.

What we did

We conducted two studies with more than 1,000 women from around the world, in relationships with men. All our participants had children under the age of 12.

We asked the women to rate their agreement with statements like, “Sometimes I feel as though my partner is like an extra child I need to look after.” We also asked them about the division of household labour in their relationship, and their level of sexual desire for their partner.

We found consistent evidence that:

  • when women performed more household labour than their partner, they were more likely to perceive their partner as dependents (that is, the man-child phenomenon)
  • perceiving a partner as a dependent was associated with lower sexual desire for that partner.

When taken together, you could say women’s partners were taking on an unsexy role – that of a child.

There could be other explanations. For instance, women who perceive their partners as dependents may be more likely to do more around the house. Alternatively, low desire for a partner may lead to the partner being perceived as a dependent. So we need more research to confirm.

Our research highlights a pretty bleak snapshot of what people’s relationships can involve. And while the man-child phenomenon may not exist for you, it reflects broader gendered inequities in relationships.

Is there a man-child equivalent in same-sex relationships?

Our research was solely about relationships between women and men, with children. But it would be interesting to explore if the man-child phenomenon exists in same-sex or gender-diverse relationships, and what the impact might be on sexual desire.

One possibility is that, in relationships between two women, men, or non-binary people, household labour is more equitably negotiated. As a result, the mother-child dynamic may be less likely to emerge. But no-one has studied that yet.

Man wiping dishes while looking after two young children
In relationships between men, household labour may be more evenly split.

Another possibility is that one person in the relationship (regardless of gender identity) takes on a more feminine role. This may include more of the mothering, nurturing labour than their partner(s). If that was the case, we might see the man-child phenomenon in a broader range of relationships. Again, no-one has studied this.

Perhaps, anyone could be the “man-child” in their relationship.

What else don’t we know?

Such future research may help explore different types of relationship dynamics more broadly.

This may help us understand what sexual desire might look like in relationships where roles are equitably negotiated, chosen, and renegotiated as needed.

We might learn what happens when household labour is valued like paid labour. Or what happens when both partners support each other and can count on each other for daily and life needs.

Women might be less likely to experience their partners as dependents and feel more sexual desire for them. In other words, the closer we are to equity in actively caring for each other, the closer we might be to equity in the capacity for feeling sexual desire with our partner.

Complete Article HERE!

List of Erogenous Zones for Better Intimacy

By Molly Burford

Sexual health is important for your overall health and well-being. Sexual health encompasses everything from getting routinely screened for sexually transmitted infections (STIs) to simply knowing what you like in the bedroom. One way to improve your sex life is by knowing your erogenous zones.

Essentially, an erogenous zone is any part of the body that can trigger sexual arousal when touched.1 For example, the nape of your neck or your wrist can potentially elicit pleasurable feelings when stimulated. That said, everyone’s erogenous zones are different.

Knowing both your and your partner’s erogenous zones will enhance your sexual experiences. This article will discuss what you need to know about erogenous zones.

Why Are Erogenous Zones Stimulating?

Certain areas of the body, including the erogenous zones, have a higher density of touch receptors. This is why your fingertips are more sensitive to touch than your elbow. Touch receptors respond to touch and convey the information via your nervous system to an area of the brain called the somatosensory cortex. Not only does the somatosensory cortex process sensory information, but it’s also involved in regulating our emotions and moods.2

Immediate Gratification vs. Foreplay

When it comes to sex, the build-up is everything. While reaching orgasm immediately may sound appealing to some, foreplay is a crucial component for both reaching orgasm and experiencing one to its fullest potential. Try using slow, erotic touching to explore your and your partner’s erogenous zones and build arousal.

Nerve Bundles

Nerves are the nervous system’s main communicators, carrying electrical signals to and from different parts of the body. A collection of nerve endings is known as a nerve bundle. Erogenous zones are thought to contain many nerve bundles, which is why they are so sensitive to touch.

Non-Genital Zones

Everyone is different, but in general, these are believed to be the most common non-genital erogenous zones:3

  • Head and hair
  • Eyes and temples
  • Cheeks
  • Mouth/lips
  • Ears
  • Nape of neck
  • Shoulder blades
  • Upper back
  • Upper arms
  • Breasts/chest
  • Nipples
  • Stomach
  • Belly button
  • Forearms
  • Wrists
  • Hands
  • Fingers
  • Sides
  • Lower back
  • Hips
  • Outer thighs
  • Buttocks
  • Back of thighs
  • Inner thighs
  • Pubic hairline
  • Behind knees

Below the Waist

When it comes to genital erogenous zones, the most common include:3

Try Solo-Play

Solo-play, aka masturbation, is a great way to explore your sexuality, learn about your body, and become in-tune with what you might enjoy during partnered sex. After taking time to learn about your bodies individually, you can decide to give mutual masturbation a go.

Some tips for a healthy masturbation practice include:

  • Washing hands before and after
  • Keeping nails clean
  • Avoiding eye area while masturbating
  • Not sharing sex toys
  • Properly cleaning sex toys after each use

Summary

Erogenous zones are parts of the body that trigger sexual arousal when stimulated. These include both genital and non-genital areas.

Knowing your and your partner’s non-genital erogenous zones can help enhance your sex life. But, of course, everybody will have different erogenous zones, which is why exploration, partnered or otherwise, can be helpful.

Communicating with your sexual partners about each other’s preferences is absolutely key to a safe, happy, and healthy sex life.

Complete Article HERE!

How to Get Through a Dry Spell in Your Relationship

It’s completely normal, but it’s also important that you address it with your partner.

By Brianne Hogan

Everything seems better at the beginning of a relationship, but especially the sex. Impromptu romps in the sack are the norm as you and your partner are excited to explore each other’s bodies. You’re never too tired or bored either—you’re almost always in the mood.

But now you’ve hit a drought. Maybe you’re stressed and busy or maybe you’ve hit a rough patch with your partner and your timing is off. Whatever the reason, the sex is infrequent or has stopped altogether. It could be a few weeks or a few months or even a few years. Yep, you’re in the middle of the dry spell. Now what?

“Dry spells are completely normal whether you’re in a relationship or single, whether intentional or not. There will always be times in your life and relationships where you want to take a break from sex and that’s completely OK,” Aliyah Moore, a certified sex therapist, tells Lifehacker. “It all boils down to how you choose to respond to it as an individual and as a couple.”

A lot of the shame attached to having a dry season comes from the social construct on how much sex we should be having rather than focusing on what is right for our current situation.

And although dry spells happen within all relationships, according to Moore, many couples ignore the signs and don’t take the time to understand why it’s happening and how to remedy the situation. “If you avoid the problem and distance yourself from your partner, you’re just making it harder for the both of you to figure out how you can get back into the game,” she says.

While dry spells are completely normal and are nothing to be ashamed about, if your dry spell is bothering you, Moore provides insight on how to break out of it.

What causes a dry spell in a relationship?

“Dry spells often happen after the ‘honeymoon’ phase in relationships. This phase varies from couple to couple, but usually, this ‘euphoric’ stage in the relationship lasts a couple of months to two years,” Moore explains.

Once this phase ends, Moore says, couples start to see their partners for who they truly are—their imperfections, quirks, etc. “Some get annoyed by them and leave their partners, while some choose to stay and accept their partners despite their flaws.”

But then, for some, a long-term partner can also turn into a constant presence that often doesn’t make them very sexy.

“They become a part of your routine to the point that sex gets boring,” she says. “Plus, it no longer becomes a priority with everything else happening in life, like a new job or kids.”

Factor in partners being taken for granted and couples dealing with many major issues in their lives including everything from demanding jobs to family problems to health issues, and sex taking a back seat is very common for many couples.

Why sex is important in relationships

Maybe you’re thinking that a dry spell isn’t a big deal; that you can do without sex so long as you and your partner are still committed and sharing a life together. So why is sex necessary in our relationships?

“Sex is a vital part of life. Any sexual activity (solo or with a partner) offers many benefits to the person’s overall health and well-being,” Moore says. “In relationships, having sex increases the levels of intimacy, trust, and love between partners.”

Aside from increasing each other’s confidence levels in bed, according to Moore, sex between partners also empower couples to open up and be vulnerable to each other.

“Having regular sex improves a couple’s ability to perceive and identify their partners’ emotions. As a result, couples become better at expressing their feelings toward not only each other but also other people.”

Additionally, when a person orgasms from sex, the process triggers the release of the feel-good hormone oxytocin, which plays a vital role in creating a bond between partners.

Moreover, says Moore, most if not all couples feel more satisfied in their relationships when they can fulfill each other’s sexual desires. “Relationships tend to grow when partners can freely express themselves, as well as their sexual needs, desires, and even their fantasies.”

Figure out what’s causing the dry spell—and address it

First, you need to figure out why you’re not having sex as often or not having sex at all anymore. Dry spells happen for many reasons, ranging from minor problems (like being apart from your partner due to travel or job restrictions) to more serious ones (like trauma, health issues, or problems within the relationship).

“Taking a step back to assess the situation and identify the root cause makes it easier for all parties to understand the dry spell and remedy it,” Moore says, who suggests identifying and address these issues alone or with your partner. But either way, you must communicate to your partner next.

“I can’t stress the importance of being open with your partner enough. If you still haven’t learned the cause of your dry spell, you could discuss it and figure it out.”

If you have identified the potential cause, Moore says don’t wait for it to blow out of proportion without doing anything about it or talking about it. “Sharing your concerns and hearing what your partner has to say about them (and vice versa) may surprisingly resolve your dry spell issues. Moreover, communicating with your partner regularly helps you feel closer. Also, it relieves couples from talking to each other about anything—the good and the bad.”

So how do you broach such a subject? Moore cautions against starting the conversation with your partner if your emotions are high. “You’ll only end up saying hurtful things to them that you can’t take back and end up regretting.”

Also, try to avoid opening up this conversation when your partner just got home from work or is stressed because the conversation isn’t likely to be productive, and both of you will end up being more frustrated.

Once you find the best moment to talk to your partner, Moore recommends simply talking about how you feel without blaming or pointing fingers. “Don’t be afraid to say something in the present. Something like, ‘This has been a struggle for me.’ or ‘The past few weeks/months have really been hard for me because of…” And then express to your partner what you need right now. This approach allows couples to really express how they feel about the situation and with each other.”

It’s OK to take things slow

After having the dry spell conversation with your partner, Moore recommends taking things slow in the bedroom. “Don’t rush things, and don’t expect that you’ll immediately go from zero sex to five times a day.”

Instead, she suggests focusing on quality time and quality sex with your partner. “Make sure you have the right mindset, especially if lack of sleep, stress, or a demanding job is the root cause of the dry spell.”

What might also help reignite the spark is remembering how your courtship first started. “I’m talking about all the flirting and lovey-dovey things you did when you were still starting out as a couple (aka, the honeymoon phase),” Moore says. “Don’t be afraid to go back to basics. Go on a date, and make conversations. The touching part can always follow, as well as kisses, hugs, and cuddles. Savor the moment. Remember, each act shouldn’t always end up with sex. Do whatever makes you feel comfortable at the moment.”

If having sex feels right, Moore suggests initiating sex with words like, “Do you want to do something tonight?” or “do you want to play?”

Once things return to how they used to, Moore says don’t be afraid to experiment and explore different ways you can pleasure each other from time to time. “If you’ve reached this point in your relationship, you have to cultivate intimacy on a much deeper level. And by trying something new together, you’ll be surprising yourselves each time.”

Moore emphasizes it’s key to not expect that sex will be the same as it used to be when you started as a couple, because that can lead to disappointment for both of you.

“You have to remember that many things that have happened to you (or your partner) in the past contributed to the dry spell. Stress, lifestyle changes, and physical, emotional, and psychological factors are things you don’t easily resolve overnight. So again, take it slow and be patient with your partner.”

Moore says it’s important to focus on cultivating intimacy and a deeper connection with your partner without the pressure of making it all about sex all the time. “Do what’s comfortable for you at the moment. If you only feel like hugging or kissing one day, then feel free to do so. If you feel like doing it roughly the next day, so be it. And if you just feel like cuddling and talking about random things, do those, too. At the end of the day, it’s the bond you share with your partner that matters most.”

Complete Article HERE!

How To Be A Better Kisser

— 26 Tips & Tricks From Sex Experts

By Kesiena Boom, M.S.

Kissing, making out, Frenching, locking lips…whatever you call it, it’s one of the most intimate and thrilling things that two people can do. And while the focus often lies on sex when thinking about how to be a better lover, perfecting your kissing game is just as (if not more) important. Here, we’ve collected a bunch of different tips to help you land your makeouts just right every time.

Why humans kiss.

To understand how to kiss better, it’s helpful to understand why humans kiss in the first place.

People kiss in order to express feelings of closeness and desire, as well as to amplify or intensify the arousal they might be feeling. “Kissing stimulates the brain’s pleasure regions, causing it to release a mix of hormones that leave you feeling oh-so-fantastic,” explains clinical psychologist Judy Rosenberg, Ph.D. “These molecules include oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin, which are pleasurable and promote feelings of affection and bonding.”

There are also myriad benefits of kissing, from helping to reduce stress levels to potentially supporting your immune system, according to Texas-based clinical psychologist Ana Ortiz-Lugo, PsyD., HSP. And within relationships, kissing serves a vital role in that it can help heal tensions and promotes closeness. It is also often a vital part of a couple’s sex life and a way to show intimacy outside of the bedroom. While relationships can often go a long time without sex without the intimacy between two people necessarily being lost, Rosenberg says keeping up with kissing is essential for keeping the spark alive.

Interestingly, though, while we might think of kissing as something intrinsic to being human, it’s actually culturally specific and only observed in around half of the world’s societies.

Tips & techniques to try:

1. Focus on your partner.

“The No. 1 most important trait of being a better kisser is paying attention to your partner’s response,” says sex and intimacy coach Leah Carey. “Too often we learn a ‘technique’ and become completely dedicated to that way of doing things.” The goal of kissing shouldn’t be mastering one particular “move” but to get to know your partner’s particular desires.

2. Ask, ask, ask!

“It’s so obvious, but many people are scared to ask their partner what they like because they think it will make them look foolish. In fact, it’s exactly the opposite!” says Carey. “Your partner may be sitting on a few things they want to tell you but don’t know how to bring it up.”

If it feels intimidating, you can think of it as a sexy and fun way to learn together instead of something that indicates that something has been “wrong” up until now. You can say, “I want to kiss you even better, so let’s spend 15 minutes teaching me exactly what you like and how you like it. Then we can turn the tables, and I’ll do the same for you!”

3. Prioritize kissing.

Often kissing is thought of as a precursor to sex, instead of an intimate activity in its own right. Set time aside where you focus just on kissing. You can ramp up the excitement by telling your partner you can only kiss and not take off any clothes for X number of minutes. By focusing purely on kissing, you’ll become more adept at it.

4. Make eye contact.

Before going in for the kiss itself, “lock eyes with your partner, give a sensual smile, and slowly lick your lips with a twinkle in your eye,” says sexuality coach Renee Adolphe. By establishing eye contact before making physical contact, you ramp up the anticipation and sexiness. (See also: the viral psychology love eye trick.)

5. Draw out the anticipation.

“Linger in the stages before the kiss,” adds sex educator Suzannah Weiss. “Run your hands through each other’s hair, touch each other’s faces and bodies. Graze your lips against theirs before going in for the kiss. Kiss other parts of their face before going toward their lips. Try to keep teasing each other like this until you can’t take it anymore.”

6. Build it up.

Once you get into it, start with the softest, most feathery kisses you can manage, suggests clinical psychologist and sex therapist Lori Beth Bisbey, Ph.D. Then slowly work up to kissing harder and faster. You can also use your hands at the same time to caress and passionately grab your partner for extra emphasis.

7. Use your tongue.

“Work on your tongue game,” encourages Bisbey. Try different patterns and strokes, alternating pressures and rhythms. See what your partner responds well to when it comes to this so-called French kissing.

8. Don’t be afraid to bite.

You can tug on your partner’s lips with your teeth if that’s something that they’re into. Just make sure not to bite too hard, too suddenly, says Bisbey. People’s mileage may vary with biting, so ask before diving in.

9. Suck it.

You can try sucking briefly on your partner’s tongue—bring it deep into your mouth while creating a brief but strong suction action and then gently release it, says sex therapist Lori Lawrenz, Psy.D., of the Hawaii Center for Sexual and Relationship Health.

10. Involve your whole body.

Weiss also recommends making kissing a full-body experience: “Playfully lean forward and away as you kiss your partner. Graze your hands over their arms and legs. Grind your hips against theirs if that’s something you’re both comfortable with,” she recommends. These actions help to increase the desire between the two of you and add an edge to your kisses.

11. Pay attention to your partner’s reactions.

“Look at how your kissing partner reacts when you kiss their neck, nibble their ear, do a playful lip bite, or slip your tongue in,” says sex therapist Aliyah Moore, Ph.D. By being mindful of these things, you’ll know whether or not your partner is into what you’re doing and then you can make adjustments.

12. Kiss places other than their mouth.

Kissing doesn’t have to be limited to mouth-on-mouth. Play around with other places to kiss on your partner’s body. Try their eyelids, their nose, the crook of their arm. (Here’s our full guide to erogenous zones, too.)

13. Be a tease.

Another fun way into a make-out session: “Play a game where you lick your partner’s lips, but as soon as they try to reciprocate, you pull away. Don’t let them know what you’re doing; just keep pulling away until they finally understand that if they want your kissing, nibbling, licking, and teasing, they have to lie back and receive it,” suggests Carey.

14. Focus inward.

“Kiss mindfully,” suggests body coach Sarah Bick. “Notice everywhere your lip touches theirs. Home in to the sensation.” When you force yourself to be in the moment instead of letting your mind wander, the pleasure you feel from the kiss will be intensified.

15. Get into the groove.

Certified sex therapist Janet Brito, Ph.D., LCSW, recommends that you practice relaxation techniques so that your body isn’t tense while making out. A few stretches can ground you in your body and make you a little looser so that you can really find your rhythm and have fun without feeling tight or stressed.

16. Pamper your lips.

Before you actually get to the kissing, AASECT-certified sex therapist Jessica Kicha, LMHC, recommends making sure that you always have a soothing lip balm on hand to ensure your pout is silky smooth. “No one likes kissing chapped lips!”

17. Brush up.

It’s also important to stay on top of your oral hygiene, says Kicha. Make sure you brush and floss at least twice a day. A quick swill of mouthwash before a kissing session is also considerate. You want your date to focus on how good it feels to kiss you, not on how much your mouth tastes like noodles.

18. Keep it fresh.

“If you are planning on kissing after a date scheduled around a mealtime, have mints on hand to refresh your mouth,” Oakland-based psychotherapist Julia Simone Fogelson, LCSW, adds. “This demonstrates to the person you are kissing that you care enough to do a little extra to make sure they have a positive kissing experience with you.”

19. Get consent.

“There’s nothing sexier than consent,” Fogelson says. “There will not always be the Hollywood movie moment where the two people dive in for a passionate kiss. A simple ‘Can I kiss you?’ with eye-gazing and a smile shows that you are into clear communication and respect.”

20. Follow their lead.

When you are moving your tongue into their mouth, check to see if they seem to be responding in kind. If so, keep going. If you feel like they are pulling away at all, bear that in mind and correct course, says Bat Sheva Marcus, LCSW, MPH, Ph.D.

21. Embrace awkwardness.

When you go in for the kiss, you and your partner might turn your heads in the wrong directions, you might bump heads or glasses, etc. Instead of getting flustered and pulling yourself and your partner out of the moment, try to keep it lighthearted. Laugh gently at yourself, and then try again, says therapist Renetta Weaver, LCSW.

22. Don’t forget to breathe!

“Take breathing breaks. Everyone needs to breathe,” says Marcus. It can be really easy to get swept up in the moment and not focus on your bodily needs. But if you don’t breathe regularly and deeply while making out, you risk getting dizzy and having to take a break.

23. Close your eyes.

“Closing your eyes increases the sensual nature of the kiss because it forces both parties to anticipate what will happen next. Not knowing exactly what will happen next is part of the excitement!” says marriage and family therapist Janine Piernas, M.A., LMFT. If you accidentally open your eyes to see your partner staring at you, it can be a little off-putting. Eyes closed is safest unless otherwise specified.

24. Use your hands.

Kissing is obviously mouth-centered, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get your hands in on the action too. Use your hands to gently pull your lover’s hair or grab their butt or cup their face. Ask your partner where they most like to be touched while being kissed.

25. Positive feedback is everything.

“Want a kiss booster? Tell your partner they’re a good kisser. If that’s not how you feel, you can still give them compliments with some constructive critique in the middle,” says Moore. When giving constructive criticisms, use “I” sentences so it won’t look as if your kissing partner failed at kissing you. These statements soften the blow and make it easier for the other person to overcome.

26. Use your words.

Kissing is a way of expressing desire or affection without words, but the pleasure that you can derive from a kiss can be intensified if you also tell your partner how you feel about them before the kiss.

The takeaway.

Being a more thoughtful kisser can lay the foundation for a better, more satisfying experience for everyone involved. Increase the intimacy and create moments of real connection by treating kissing like something worthy of attention rather than just a step on the way to sex

Complete Article HERE!

11 Ways To Have More Romantic Sex

By Kelly Gonsalves

Sometimes, you want sex that goes beyond the physical: sex that’s full of powerful emotions, simultaneously intense and tender, almost spiritual. Not just two bodies intertwining, but also two souls.

Sexual romance is the experience of expressing feelings of love, passion, and care through erotic touch. So, to have more romantic sex, you’ll want to find ways to communicate how you feel about your partner through your sexual actions.

With that in mind, here are a few ways to make sex more romantic, from sexuality experts:

1. Learn what your partner finds romantic.

“Romance is relative,” sex and dating coach Myisha Battle, M.S., recently told mbg. What you find romantic might be different from what your partner finds romantic, which might be different from what the next person finds romantic. So, take time to actually ask your partner what sexual romance means to them, specifically.

This conversation itself can be fairly steamy. On an intimate date night, ask them about what intimate, passionate sex looks like to them. Ask them how they liked to be touched and held. You’re sure to enjoy the conversation that follows, and whatever else comes after that. “Talking about sex when you’re not having it can actually increase the quality of the sex you have tremendously,” Battle adds.

Then, deliver on whatever desires they shared with you. Not only will you be giving them pleasure in the exact way they like it, but they’ll also know you were really listening to them and care about making them feel good.

2. Get to know your partner’s inner world.

Sexual romance starts outside the bedroom. Because romantic sex is all about showing how you feel through sexuality, you first need to actually nurture that connection.

Take time to actually get to know your partner: their hopes, dreams, personal challenges, fears, and desires. Spend quality time with them, getting to know their soul well, from their adorable little quirks and to their most amazing, awe-inspiring qualities. When you can truly appreciate how wonderful your partner is, you’ll be better able to convey genuine adoration for them in bed.

3. Create a romantic environment.

One of the simplest ways to cultivate sexual romance is to physically set the right scene for your intimate activities, according to certified sex therapist Michelle Herzog, LMFT, CST. She recommends taking the time to create a romantic, sensual environment by attending to the five senses in your space.

“Getting creative with sensory experiences like incorporating sultry scents, listening to sexy music, and so on can expand your sexual experience,” she recently told mbg. “Consider bringing in softer lighting and make sure that the space is clean and free of things like pet hair [or] clothes all over the floor to enhance the sexual space and make it free of distractions.”

4. Gaze into each other’s eyes.

Eye contact can instantly make sex more intimate, according to AASECT-certified sex therapist Janet Brito, Ph.D., LCSW. “Eye gazing can promote feelings of safety and attunement.”

Aim for sex positions that allow you to face each other, and even better if you can be close enough to really gaze into each other’s eyes throughout the act. Really try to see into your partner’s soul, and see them fully.

5. Kiss them in places other than their mouth.

Lay soft kisses all over their body, especially in the more tender and vulnerable places. A kiss on the back of the hand, the forehead, the shoulder, or the inner thigh—delivered oh so gently—can make the heart flutter and swell.

6. Hold hands.

Likewise, sometimes even the simple act of holding your partner’s hands during sex can make the experience all the more romantic. Interlock your fingers with theirs as you gaze into each other’s eyes and melt into each other.

7. Try the yab yum.

The yab yum, also known as the lotus sex position, is a classic Tantric sex position for a reason: It’s incredibly intimate and involves creating a deep, spiritual connection between partners. One partner sits upright on the ground or bed, and the other sits on their lap and wraps their legs around the base partner. From there, sex and relationship coach Prandhara Prem, M.A., recommends engaging in circular breathing together: as one partner breathes in, the other breathes out, creating a “circular flow” of energy exchange between you.

“The other breathing that you can do is breathing together in and out at the same pace,” Prem also shared with mbg. “This gets your heart to beat at the same rate, thereby allowing you to be more empathetic with each other and know what the other is feeling.”

8. Be romantic in your day-to-day life.

In general, if you’re actively cultivating romance in your daily life, you’ll find that romance translating more easily into your sex life.

“Being romantic involves creating a sense of passion, anticipation, and excitement within a relationship,” clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., recently told mbg. “Romantic partners don’t need to be a specific personality type; they can be introverts, ambiverts, or extroverts. A romantic partner, however, does need to be attentive, thoughtful, willing, creative, and considerate of [their] partner’s secret (and not-so-secret) longings.”

Try showing affection for your partner more actively by planning special experiences for them, kissing them passionately in random moments, writing a love letter, or other romantic gestures.

9. Cuddle more.

According to research by John Gottman, Ph.D., and Julie Gottman, Ph.D., psychologists and founders of The Gottman Institute, cuddling is strongly correlated with a good sex life. “Ninety six percent of the non-cuddlers said they had a bad sex life,” John told mbg in a recent podcast episode, referencing a survey they conducted of some 70,000 people across 24 countries.

So, cuddle more often in your day-to-day lives. You might even consider getting more creative with your cuddling positions. (See also: spooning sex.)

10. Practice aftercare.

Continue showing care for your partner after the sex is over, so they know the intimacy you’ve just shared extends beyond just the sexual realm. “If one of you goes to sleep right away or puts on your clothes to leave, you’re overlooking an important step, and doing so can lead to feelings of rejection and disconnection,” trauma-informed relationship coach Julie Nguyen writes at mbg.

Aftercare refers to checking in with each other after a sexual experience to reconnect and make sure you both feel good about it. “Intentional aftercare gives you time to reflect on what just happened, validate each other’s feelings, and clear up anything that you weren’t able to mention during sex,” Nguyen explains.

11. Say what you’re feeling.

If you want a sexual moment to be more romantic, sometimes it’s as simple as saying what’s on your mind. This isn’t about whispering sweet nothings but rather opening up to be truly vulnerable with your emotions. How does your partner make you feel? What do they mean to you? What do you love about them—their personality, the way they look, the little things they do that pull you in? Let them know, right there and then in the middle of the act.

The more ways you can find to communicate your feelings for your partner during sex, the more romantic your sexual experiences will be.

Complete Article HERE!

#1 Way To Fix Low Libido

By Colette Malan

Do you struggle with low sexual desire? If so, you’re not alone. While trying to figure out what women really want, the research found that about one-third of the women in the United States have low sexual desire.

There’s a surefire way to increase your libido, though, and it’s easier than you may think: have more sex!

As you try to understand your own sexual desire, there are a handful of things to consider.

The first is that there are very real biological components affecting a women’s sexual desire. For example, women have 20-40 percent less testosterone than men.

Testosterone is the hormone that gives men that compelling sex drive, and because women have so much less than men, it’s easy to see why our sex drive is less enthusiastic compared to that of a normal guy.

But it’s not just the hormones themselves that work against our sex drive; it’s also the frequency of their distribution in our blood that has an effect.

For most men, these distributions are consistently frequent, like the sun’s rising and setting.

The testosterone in their bloodstream spikes about every 15 minutes, supporting an ever-ready libido. It’s a completely different scenario for women. A woman’s libido is more like the moon in its cyclical nature.

Like the moon, our hormone pattern spans a 28-day cycle, in which the hormones and our sex drive differ throughout the month. 

Depending on our hormones on any given day, a woman’s libido may be optimal, like a full moon. Some days it may be only operating at half-speed. There are also days when it’s like a new moon and reduced down to nothing.

This is why our moods and sex drive are inconsistent and often frustrating for both ourselves and our partners.

The bottom line is that the very fact that you are a woman gives you a sexual drive disadvantage as compared to men — right from the starting gate.

For many women, there is also a myriad of other biological, psychological, and relationship factors that contribute to inhibiting a healthy sexual desire.

But all is not lost! While it feels unfair, as a sex therapist and a woman who once had low sexual desire herself, I’m here to tell you I have figured out the secrets on how to increase it.

In fact, the truth is that once a woman figures out how to access her own sex drive, she will discover that many women actually have a stronger, more limitless sexual capacity than men! We just have to know how to tap into our sexual potential.

To ignite your own sexual desire, you have to begin by having more sex. And yes, for many I know this seems counterintuitive, but the truth is, to kick start your own desire you need to start having sex.

From this place, it becomes easier to engage your libido… and a healthier dose of desire comes from there.

Feeling skeptical? Here are a few reasons why having more sex will increase your sexual desire:

Sex is like exercise.

If you haven’t exercised for a long time and you’re out of shape, your first day back at the gym may be hell. It won’t feel good and it will be hard. But if you ignore your resistance and keep working out, your body will kick back into gear. After a while, you’ll start to feel really good. Sex operates the same way. If you haven’t been sexual for a while, it will be hard to get going again. But once you get those feel-good endorphins kicked back in, you’ll be glad you stayed with it.

We all know that having sufficient sex hormones is essential for having sexual desire. But one thing you probably aren’t aware of is that having sex actually increases those hormones. Crazy, but true.

Complete Article HERE!

6 Tips for Having Great, Fulfilling Sex When You’re Just So Tired

By Natalie Arroyo Camacho

A healthy sex life is linked to a number of great benefits: a longer lifespan, improved heart health, and decreased stress, to name a few. That said, at one point or another, it’s likely you’ve simply been too tired to have it. But, having sex when you’re tired still stands to boost your well-being because it makes you feel more connected to your sexual partner and opens you up to all the benefits of experiencing orgasm. (Of course, this doesn’t apply to asexual people, whose relationships are still valid and intimate despite a lack of sexual activity.) And, with the help of some tips, it’s possible to still have great and satisfying sex, even if you’re pretty zonked.

And for the health of your relationship, it may be worth your effort, too. According to experts, using sleepiness as a reason to avoid sex may lead you to not regularly reap the intimacy-boosting benefits of sex. “When you’re maintaining that [sexual] connection, even if you’re going through hard times together, you’re likely to be a little kinder and nicer, and maybe even a little more patient with your partner in the rest of your relationship,” says sexologist and co-founder of GoLove CBD lubricant Sadie Allison, PhD.

That said, if you or your partner is chronically tired and not in the mood, it’s important to first connect about potential underlying issues causing the sex-life-busting exhaustion. “I always encourage couples to first talk about the fatigue,” says sex therapist Shannon Chavez, PsyD. “If there’s not even [sexual] desire, or one partner hasn’t been in the mood, having an open dialogue around that is the first step [to having sex when tired], because you want to figure out what’s getting in the way of sex.” Following this discussion, it’s important to follow up with action. Whether that’s a change in routine, one partner helping the other to minimize sources of stress that may be stoking libido-busting fatigue, or seeking therapy, it’s important to move forward together.

But sometimes, there’s no serious or problematic underlying issue, and you’re just plain old sleepy. Read on for six expert-backed suggestions for having great consensual sex when you’re tired (and why doing so may be worth it).

6 expert-backed tips for having sex when you’re tired (and making it great)

1. Remember that sex goes beyond penetrative intercourse

Dr. Allison says that understanding intercourse as broader than just a penetrative act can ultimately make it easier to to make sure everyone is satisfied, and—considering the factor of tiredness—efficiently so.

For instance, non-penetrative sex acts can be effective for achieving orgasm (the fastest way for vulva-owners to orgasm, after all, is via the clitoris), and having an orgasm releases happiness-boosting chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin in our brains. So, it’s totally possible to reap the well-being benefits of sex without having penetrative intercourse.

2. Try “lazy” positions

In this sense, “lazy” is not meant to convey a negative feeling. It’s more so a way to depict the amount of energy that goes into sex when you’re tired. “Lazy sex is good sex, because all sex leads to feeling more desire for connection,” Dr. Chavez says.

“Lazy sex is good sex, because all sex leads to feeling more desire for connection.” —sex therapist Shannon Chavez, PsyD

Basically, it’s an expert-sanctioned excuse to take it easy on the advanced sex positions when you’re super sleepy.  “You want to choose a position that is the least amount of work necessary,” says Dr. Allison. For example, spooning can be a good go-to position for having sex when you’re tired because it doesn’t require much energy or agility—plus, it brings you physically close to your partner.

3. Try to have sex during the afternoon

If you and your partner work remotely, afternoon sex can be a real winner. At this time, we have naturally higher levels of alertness thanks to the hormone cortisol and lower levels of sleep hormone melatonin than at night. So, fitting daytime sex into your schedule may circumvent the feeling of “having to” have sex at the end of a long and draining day.

4. Give yourselves grace

Certain individuals may experience super-busy seasons at work, for example, and this may sometimes impact their bandwidth for sex. For example, if your partner has a presentation coming up they’ve been preparing for months, or you just launched your business, your sex life may lag a bit in light of those energy-absorbing realities. In cases like these, give yourselves a break and stay in communication about how you plan to prioritize your relationship—sexually or otherwise. After all, it’s important to not make sex feel like a chore or another item on an already super-long to-do list.

“During busy seasons, be realistic with the schedule and know that this particular month might be difficult or different. Give yourself some grace,” says Dr. Allison.

5. Prioritize intimacy

Whether it’s a busy season or not, make sex and intimacy a priority; something you want and need to do as opposed to something you have to do. Part of this means not leaving it as the last thing you do in a day, after all your chores and to-dos are finished. Otherwise, sex unfortunately often slips through the cracks because, well, you’re just too tired after doing everything else.

The key here? Both partners should agree that no matter what, even if each is exhausted, they’ll make time for intimate connection. Even if it’s a couple of minutes of eye gazing and not an orgasm-inducing activity, says Dr. Chavez.

6. Try having slower sex

“Slow sex can be some of the best sex,” says Dr. Chavez. And because you’re moving slower, you’re exerting less energy, which can ease anxiety about having sex when you’re just so damn tired.

Complete Article HERE!

Do Genes Drive How We Feel About Sex and Drugs?

By Lisa Rapaport

Our moral reaction to getting high or a night of casual Netflix and chill — a modern euphemism for having casual sex — may trace in part to our DNA. A new study suggests that our genes could shape our views on these behaviors just as much our environment does.Social scientists have typically assumed that our morals are shaped by the people most present during our childhoods — like our parents, teachers, and friends — and what we experience in our culture — whether from books, television, or TikTok.Results of the new study, published in Psychological Science, suggest that genetics may at least partly explain our moral reactions.

The researchers surveyed more than 8,000 people in Finland, all either fraternal or identical twin pairs or siblings. They asked participants about their views on recreational drug use and sex outside of a committed relationship. Twin studies help scientists tease out the role of nature versus nurture because identical twins usually have the same DNA sequences, but fraternal twins have only about half of their DNA in common.

Investigators compared survey responses to see how much shared DNA explained negative opinions about casual sex and drug use and how much could be attributed instead to a shared environment or unique experiences between the twins.Views on sex and drugs were at least 40% attributable to shared DNA and the remainder attributable to unique experiences, the study found. Views on sex and drugs were also strongly linked, with considerable overlap in opinions about each category.One limitation of the work is common to twin studies in general. These studies cannot distinguish whether certain genes are activated by a shared childhood environment or if some gene variants drive the choice of certain types of environments.

Complete Article HERE!