Category Archives: Enjoying Sex

Sobriety & Sex

Name: Gregg
Gender: Male
Age: 40
Location: Seattle
Since getting sober now almost 8 years ago I am very tense about sex and I feel as though I have lost my mojo. I am unable to relax and be intimate with a man and I am thinking I need an intimacy coach or sex coach, or something. Perhaps someone with tantra training who can help me find a comfort level with my body again and being touched and touching another.

Hey, thanks for your interesting question. Sadly, yours is not an uncommon concern. In fact, I just finished an 8-week group for men in recovery who were dealing with similar intimacy issues. A lot of the work we did together was helping one another reestablish a sense of trust.

legs & bootsSo many of us gay men start out our sexual lives with alcohol and/or drugs to help us overcome our inhibitions as well as a means of dulling some of the anti-gay messaging that comes to us from the world around us. Sometimes, the substances take hold of us and instead of we being in control the substances are in control. There was one guy in the group I just mentioned who is in his 5o’s, and he confessed to the group that before he got clean and sober, a couple years ago, he had never had sex sober. And he had been sexually active since his early twenties.

Substance abuse can rob us of more than just our dignity. It often effects our sexual response cycle in ways that diminish our ability to enjoy our sexuality. Men often report erection problems and women report arousal phase problems when they come off booze and or drugs. This, as you suggest, impacts on our comfort level in all intimate situations. If our parts aren’t working like we would want them to, we’d rather avoid intimate contact rather than be embarrassed. So, in other words, when we rid ourselves of the substances that once enabled us, we often need to relearn how to be ourselves, particularly in intimate situations.

Learning to trust others enough to open ourselves to others, even with our “brokenness,” is the key to regaining our sense of sexual self. We need to learn how to overcome our shame, which often gets in the way of reaching out to others. And if some of our shame is unresolved internalized homophobia, well then, we really have some work to do.tit bite

I think you’ve hit upon the perfect solution to your pressing problem. Working with a sex coach or intimacy coach is definitely one way to go. For those challenged, as you are, verbal therapy is great. But there is no substitute for actual hands-on therapy.

I know several people who have been helped by a surrogate partner or a sexual healer. I applaud you for thinking so creatively. Of course, finding the right person to work with will be a challenge. And I should mention that other helping professionals, even some sexologists, do not always look upon these kinds of interventions as legitimate. That’s a pity, but what are ya gonna do.

As you know, there are loads of sex workers out there. Unfortunately, very few have the training needed to provide surrogate partner therapy, or understand the delicate issues that a trained sexual healer must deal with. I hope you find what you are looking for.

If you need someone to discuss this with further, give me a shout. You’ll find my contact information on either the ABOUT page or the THERAPY AVAILABLE page in the header above.

Good luck

And baby makes…four

Name: Dustin
Gender: Male
Age: 35
Location: San Francisco
I am a 35-year-old well-adjusted gay man. My husband of 6 years and I want to have a baby. Our best friend, a straight woman, also wants to get pregnant, but she wants to get pregnant the old-fashioned way, if ya know what I mean.
Unlike a lot of other gay men I know, I’ve never had sex with a woman. I’m like totally up for doin the deed, but let’s just say I haven’t a clue on how to begin. I feel like I’m in high school facing sex for the first time. Even though I’m gay, I don’t think vaginas are scary. I just don’t know what to do. You would think these things would come naturally to us all. I don’t want to appear like a bumbling fool on our conception night. I don’t have anyone else to ask about this. Can you give me a quick tutorial on how to proceed? Thanks.

This is so adorable; it’s like a real life episode of Modern Family, don’t cha know. And yeah, I do know what you mean when you say — “she wants to do it the old fashioned way.” I wasn’t born yesterday.father & son

It’s interesting to me that you make the analogy between your current situation and that of a guy in high school who is faced with, no pun intended, the prospect of gettin’ lucky for the very first time. It’s interesting, because it’s basically the same situation. And no, I wouldn’t agree with your assumption that this comes naturally to anyone. Just because the prevailing genders have complimentary parts, don’t make the coming together of those people or those parts naturally easy.

And it’s good to hear that you don’t have an aversion to vaginas as some gay men do. However, not having an aversion to and being attracted to something is certainly not the same thing. Most first time heterosexual coupling is awkward. Neither person is particularly familiar with the intimate workings of their partner’s parts. What they don’t have in experience; they do often make up for in passion. And that can and does cover a multitude of sins, so to speak.

lovers014

But even when there’s passion, most straight women report that their first full-on fucking sexual encounter was a major disappointment. They report that their partner didn’t take the time to warm them up properly; they didn’t get off, like their male partners did; and the whole blasted thing ended much too quickly.

There’s a lesson in this for you, Dustin. I’m glad that you are, as you say, “totally up for doin’ the deed.” But one would hope that there will be more to this conception than you just doing your duty. Wouldn’t it be grand for both of you if you actually knew how to pleasure a woman before you jumped your best gal-pal’s bones to plant your seed? The same is true for her. Wouldn’t it be grand if she knew what buttons to push on you to raise the flag and get your juices flowing, so to speak, as it were.

I suggest you do some homework. Take all the time you need to educate yourself about the female anatomy before you take your ride. My I suggest that you spend a whole lot of time on one of my favorite sites that deals with female sexuality — Clitical.com. You will be amazed by how much you can learn by paying attention to what women tell each other about their sexuality.makin' babies

And then, even though you may be all boned up, so to speak, on female sexuality in general; you’re gonna need to spend some time with your gal-pal discussing her particular sexual response cycle. There is absolutely no substitution for first-hand knowledge. Why not ask her to take you for a little tactile tour of her pussy and all the truly amazing points of interest therein and around. Ask her how she likes her sex. I guarantee you that she does have a preference. This oughtn’t be a whole lot different than if you were talking to a new prospective male partner. All the things you might ask him about what he likes and what he doesn’t are much the same things you’ll ask your gal-pal. By the way, this show of interest will surely take the edge off your first encounter.

Finally, I wish to add that you will probably find that your first attempt to get pregnant won’t be successful. You may discover that it’ll take several pokes to get the “job” done. To give yourselves the best shot at impregnation I suggest you guys turn your attention to:  Gettingpregnant.com.  This is your one-stop resource for everything you need to know about getting knocked up.

Good luck

The Back to School 2013 Q&A Show — Podcast #388 — 09/04/13


Hey sex fans,fakein' it

Alrighty then! As I promised, I have a swell Q&A show in store for you today. I have a whole bunch of very interesting correspondents vying for their moment in the sun, so to speak. Each one is ready to share his or her sex and relationship concerns with us. And I will do my level best to make my responses informative, enriching and maybe even a little entertaining.

But, before we get to that, I want to acknowledge three recent donation to the upkeep of this site. The donations come from: Peter of Knoxville, TN with a contribution of $25, Annie of Chicago, IL, my hometown, with a contribution of $25, and Terrence of Santa Barbara, CA with a contribution of $50. Thank you all!

  • First, a couple general announcements: website redesign and a word about The Gospel of Kink.
  • Some guy wants to know if it’s ok to have annual (anal??) sex on a daily basis.
  • Matt jerks off using women’s panties.  He wants to know if I think he’s gay?
  • Selena is really getting into her boobs and nipples.
  • Finally, another one of my outstanding sexual enrichment tutorials: Six Reasons Why Women Don’t Enjoy Sex.

Today’s podcast is bought to you by: Dr Dick’s Sex Advice and Dr Dick’s Sex Toy Review.

 

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously, or just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Messin’ Around

Name: Troy
Gender: Male
Age:
Location:
Sir,
My girlfriend and I have been together for over 2 years. She sometimes has experienced that her clit gets sore after we mess around. She also felt some pain when we have sex not right away but late on almost like a muscle soreness. She has had regular gyno visits with no problems. I am wondering if I could be too big for her. Do we need to increase the amount of lube we are using? Is there a limited number of times we should have sex in a weekend?
Thank You

What kind a messin’ around are you doin’ there, darlin’?

So let me get this straight, your GF sees her “gyno” on a regular basis and there’s no discernible problem in pussyville. That’s a good thing. But after she hooks up with you for a little slap and tickle her clit is very tender and she reports muscle soreness afterward as well.

Hmmm, I’m gonna go way out on a limb here and speculate you puppies are kinda new to the whole fuckin’ thing, right?

Let’s see, are you actively involved with her clit with your hands or mouth, or is this post-fuck tenderness simply collateral damage of you pounding away with wild abandon? I mean do you even know your way around down there? Or are you just one of those drop trow’ and commence the assault kinda guys? The fact that you don’t even know if you are using enough lube leads me to believe that you’ve got lots to learn.

Ya see the reason I say this is, for the most part, most youngens, and a lot of not so young people, don’t often take the time to familiarize themselves with the parts of their partners before sex. I mean there may be a lot of athletic bumping around and all, but that doesn’t necessarily mean ya’ll know what the fuck you’re doing.

And here’s another disturbing trend. A lot of young men are unfortunately picking up some of their sexual social skills, if you can call them that, from watching porn. And that, my friend, is never a good thing. Young women, on the other hand, often remain too embarrassed or uninformed themselves about their own parts to invite even a steady BF to stop for a moment and get to know their own personal cooch. Each woman is unique, ya know.

So you see how all of this lack of familiarity and perhaps even misinformation can cause loads of problems for novice fucksters. But the solution is very simple indeed — all you have to do is know yourself and know your partner.

One thing for sure, if you are swinging as big a pipe as you lead me to believe, it’s incumbent upon you to know how to handle that thang when foolin’ around with a delicate flower that is a woman’s muff. I suggest you have a nice long talk with your GF real soon. Make it a non-seductive, nonsexual conversation. Ask her to show you around “the promised land”. Have her point out all the really exciting points of interest…and there are a whole lot of ‘em. You’ll be amazed. If you think your dick is talented. Let me tell ya pal, it pails in comparison to a vulva.

Besides, this little exercise will give you loads of brownie points with the GF. You’ll also be a vastly more informed about pussy in general and therefore a much better lover. It’ll be exactly like playing doctor, only completely different.

Let me walk you through an actual structured exercise I have some of my clients, with similar problems as you guys, work on. It’s called a sexological exam. Ya see I never assume that a woman is familiar with her own genitals, let alone having her partner know what’s up down there. So I have my couples work together on this exercise. By the way, a woman can do it alone (a self-sexological exam) or she can work with a partner.

Think about it, this is a perfect way for you guys to learn about your own and one another’s naughty bits, as well as getting a handle on your sexual response cycles.

Here’s how it works. Your GF will hold a hand-held mirror between her legs. Have her point out her clit, vulva, vagina, both sets of vaginal lips, urethra, and if you have a speculum handy, you guys can check out her cervix. Next, probe her vagina, by inserting one of your fingers. Remember this is not a come-on for sex, this is an exercise to gather important information about how thing look and work down there. Don’t forget the lube!

With your finger in her vagina, ask her to flex her PC muscle. If you guys don’t know what that is you have some remedial work a head of you. To find all the posting I’ve made about the amazing PC muscles use the search function in the header, type in and Kegel exercises, and PRESTO!

What you guys will be looking for in this part of the exercise is your GF ability to identify and control her vaginal muscles.

Next comes a detailed touch test. I want you to stroke very square inch of your GF from her asshole to her navel, including her upper thighs. You are gonna be testing for and acquainting yourself with her sensitivity. I suggested your GF use a 0-5 point scale to represent the levels of sensitivity — 5 being the hottest, most sensitive and most pleasurable areas and 0 being the more neutral areas. Be sure to use all the numbers in-between. I encourage you guys to try this exercise with both a wet hand and a dry hand.

Next it’s your turn to submit your body to your GF’s scrutiny. With the hand-held mirror between your legs point out your prepuce (if you go one), frenulum, glans, coronal ridge, scrotum and testicles. Have her slip a finger in your ass. Don’t forget the lube! Now flex your PC muscle for her. Yes darling, you have a PC muscle too. Have her feel for your prostate too.

Then she’ll use the same touch technique on you that you did on her. She’ll stroke very square inch of you from your asshole to your navel including your upper thighs. She will be testing for and acquainting herself with your sensitive areas. Using the same 0-5 point scale to represent the levels of sensitivity that she did — 5 being the hottest, most sensitive and most pleasurable areas and 0 being the more neutral areas as well as all the numbers in-between. Again, try this exercise with both a wet hand and a dry hand.

By the time you guys have finished this exploration exercise, both of you will have a much greater appreciation of the wonders of her amazing cunt and your fabulous cock. You’ll know the areas that need special care and attention. You’ll also know the kind of touch that is the most appropriate for each specific area. But most importantly, you will realize that mindlessly pokin’ and prodin’ away down there, like a blind man with a stick, is not how one goes about a successful fuck.

Good luck

The Last Day of April Q&A Show — Podcast #330 — 04/30/12


Hey sex fans,

I have a delectable Q&A show in store for you today to close out the month of April. We will be hearing a bunch of very interesting questions from the sexually worrisome, each will surely amaze and entertain. There’s a distinct religious overtone to some of these questions and there’s also more than a hint of desperation. Oh how I feel their pain.

  • Brian calls in while he’s jerkin’ off.
  • Nick calls in to tell us about his massive ass toys.
  • Richie is troubled by what the Church told him about being gay.
  • Lyn has been around the block a time or ten, her new BF is a virgin.
  • Hamlet is so stressed out he can’t keep his hardon.
  • Éric is wasting his money trying to grow himself a bigger dick. I suggest that he take a look at this POSTING.
  • Dan isn’t even through puberty yet and he’s worried about the size of his willie. I suggest he take a look at this VIDEO.

 

Today’s podcast is bought to you by: Dr Dick’s Sex Advice and Dr Dick’s Sex Toy Review.

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Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously, or just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

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