Category: Being a Better Lover

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5 Benefits Of Spooning

& Why You Should Do It More

by Sarah Regan

Spooning is easily one of the most well-known cuddling positions, and for good reason. Doubling as a sex position, it has so many benefits—for both your health and your relationship. Here’s everything you need to know about spooning, from variations to benefits and more.

Spooning is a cuddling position that typically involves two people lying on their side, facing the same direction, with the “little spoon’s” back against the front of the “big spoon.” The big spoon will often wrap their top arm around the little spoon.

As the name suggests, the position resembles the way spoons look when stacked, with their curves fitting together.Illustration of two men spooning.

How spooning benefits your relationship:

1. Increases intimacy

One of the biggest benefits of spooning is the feeling of closeness it fosters between partners. As licensed therapist De-Andrea Blaylock-Solar, MSW, LCSW-S, CST, tells mbg, it enhances intimacy, and not just sexual intimacy. “When people are thinking of intimacy, they immediately think of sexual intimacy, but there’s so many other types, and spooning can increase or enhance the emotional intimacy that we feel with someone,” she explains.

2. Fosters vulnerability & protection

Depending on whether you’re the big spoon or little spoon, this sleep position can foster feelings of vulnerability, safety, or protection. “With your partner lying behind you, holding you, you get the feeling of being supported and cradled,” certified sexologist Gigi Engle previously explained to mbg, adding, “It’s romantic because it gives you a feeling of unity and comfort.”

3. Releases feel-good hormones

Along with being good for your relationship, spooning (and cuddling or physical touch in general) releases feel-good hormones in your brain like oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin, according to Blaylock-Solar. “Also dopamine and serotonin are released in your brain when you are in close embrace with someone, and that’s what increases that feeling of closeness,” she notes.

4. May support your immune system

Speaking of those feel-good hormones, there are added health benefits of spooning thanks to all that oxytocin. As functional medicine practitioner William Cole, IFMCP, DNM, D.C., previously wrote for mbg, cuddling increases oxytocin, which boosts your T-regulatory cells—and those cells are essential for keeping your immune system balanced and strong.

5. Can help those dealing with pain and stress

Along with giving your immune system a hand, Cole also explains that research has shown oxytocin is actually able to help people dealing with pain, feelings of anxiousness, and even suboptimal digestion. This is because oxytocin boosts T-regulatory cells, which have anti-inflammatory actions, he explains.

Big spoon vs. little spoon.

Regardless of the actual sizes of the two people, the big spoon is the person who is embracing their partner from behind, and the little spoon is the person in front being embraced. Any gender can play either role, though typically the cis-het stereotype always has the man as the big spoon and the woman as the little spoon. And while there’s nothing wrong with that, Blaylock-Solar tells mbg it can be nice to switch it up sometimes.

“Being the one who is embraced can give you an opportunity to be in a vulnerable position where you can be supported,” she says, adding, “Often because of toxic masculinity, a lot of guys don’t feel they have space to do that, but being the one who’s embraced allows you to receive the benefit of that expressed vulnerability and knowing that you’re safe.”

When we’re in a safe and loving relationship, we have the opportunity to operate outside of those cultural constructs, Blaylock-Solar says. So while everyone may have their preference of being the big or little spoon, who doesn’t want to be held sometimes?

Positions & variations to try.

The standard spooning position is typically two people lying next to each other facing the same way, with the little spoon’s back against the big spoon’s front. But according to Blaylock-Solar, there are a few other positions that could be considered spooning.

For instance, one partner could lie on their back, while the other person lies across their chest, not quite all the way on top of them but enough that they’re essentially “spooning” them in a different way.

You could also spoon toward each other, with the little spoon curled up and the big spoon’s arms wrapped around them.

As Blaylock-Solar explains, “I think any position where one person is the holder and the other person is being held counts, and understand that for different body types, sizes, or abilities, you just have to figure out what works best for you.”

Spooning as a sex position.

While spooning doesn’t have to be sexual, it certainly can be, and since it doesn’t require a position change, cuddling like this can potentially get steamy if you want it to. Vaginal or anal penetration are both an option while spooning, and certified sex therapist Megan Fleming, Ph.D., previously told mbg that the spooning sex position is great for G-spot stimulation, lasting longer in bed, and having more intimate sex. She also says this is a good position to go for if you have a high sex drive or if you want to slow things down to last longer.

As far as having sex this way, Blaylock-Solar has a few tips. For one thing, you’ll want to be flexible—and not physically flexible but rather mentally flexible. “It may not look like what you’ve seen in porn, so understanding that it’s OK if your body looks a little different as you’re trying to get the right angle,” she says.

In addition to that, you can optimize the experience with things like pillows or wedges to help find the right angle. Blaylock-Solar adds that this is also a great position for using toys for different types of stimulation.

The bottom line.

Whether you’re spooning to cuddle or spooning to have sex, this position can be incredibly intimate, release feel-good hormones, and even support your holistic health. So, if it’s been a while since you did some spooning, consider it added to your to-do list.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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15 Simple Ways To Be A Better Lover To Your Partner

By Julie Nguyen

If you’re asking yourself how you can be a better lover, you’re probably looking for tips to elevate your bedroom game. However, being good at sex isn’t always about making someone come harder (or faster). On the contrary, being a better lover is often more about increasing emotional intimacy and embodying open-hearted tenderness with each other.

It’s scary to let your guard down–but allowing yourself to be sincerely seen, touched, and affected by someone else is a powerful sexual experience. So, read on for how to intensify passion with your partner:

1. Communication is everything.

It’s one of the easiest traps to fall into with sex: you might intuitively use your partner’s body language as cues to figure out what they want without ever really having an explicit conversation about it. But doing this won’t bring you closer. Being a better lover is about getting out of the habit of assuming each other’s preferences and vulnerably stating what you need.

“Sexual communication is the foundation of a healthy and fulfilling sex life. It’s hard to have great sex when you can’t talk about it,” certified sex therapist Michelle Herzog, LMFT, CST, tells mbg. “If you’re not sure where to begin, start with asking your partner about their sexual likes and dislikes. This is a simple, yet effective, way to increase sexual pleasure.”

2. Appreciate them as a person.

When you respect and value your S.O., you’ll want them to have a good time with you–inside and outside of the bedroom–and directly expressing appreciation for them can help with that. It also helps reinforce the emotional bond.

Showing you appreciate them can look like remembering the small details, actively listening when they talk, and thanking them whenever they do something you like. Outside of gratitude, look for the good in your partner too. What do you find sexy about them? What do you like about their sense of humor? What makes you excited about them? How do they turn you on? Be specific; then tell them those things.

3. Cultivate care into the connection.

Whether they’re a one-night stand, casual hook-up, a new relationship, or a long-term partner, there’s always little things you can do to demonstrate affection and a real interest in who they are as a person. You don’t have to be in love with them to show you care about them and their experience. By deepening intimacy beyond physicality, it helps your partner feel closer to you.

This could look like being curious about their life, naming boundaries, asking thought-provoking questions, holding their hand, maintaining eye contact, or skipping penetrative sex entirely once in a while and only doing other fun sexual acts.

4. Understand your own sexual anatomy.

“It’s not just your partner’s job to turn you on. If you don’t know what you like and how to make your body feel good, chances are, it will be hard for your partner to figure it out,” says somatic sex coach Anya Laeta. “Teach your partners how to love you better. Don’t expect them to read your mind. You’ll make your lover’s life so much easier if you can give them a tip or five on how to drive you wild.”

If you don’t already have a conscious solo-pleasure practice in place, Laeta recommends starting one up as a self-care ritual and then using that time as a goalless container to discover what feels good for your body. As you’re experimenting with arousal, she suggests noticing the in-between emotions as you slow down, take your time, feel all of the sensations that come up, and try out different things to see what you like.

5. Embrace the awkwardness that will inevitably come up.

In intimacy, sometimes people strive to complete this choreographed dance where everything is super smooth as you’re making out and simultaneously taking off your clothes in a fluid motion. But that doesn’t always happen, especially when you’re learning how to be intimate together. It’s likelier it’ll be a mess of elbows and knees. Instead of glossing over the awkwardness and moving on, it’s better to laugh and let it be a part of what’s happening.

By leaning into the honesty of the moment, it shows that you’re comfortable with yourself. This helps your person feel safer about being themselves and expressing their emotions as it comes up too. Plus, it makes it easier to be creative in sex when you can break the tension with a sense of humor.

6. Keep play at the forefront.

“Being playful at sex means not taking yourself too seriously,” Laeta says. “Don’t be afraid to be silly, experimental, or spontaneous. There is no ‘right’ way, only your way.”

When you invite enthusiasm into the connection, sex becomes a joyful exploration instead of a mechanical act of intercourse. Playfulness emboldens you to toss out outdated scripts about intimacy, work through any “performance” challenges, and add lightness to the situation as you candidly respond to each other.

7. Try something different.

In the beginning, sex is amped up as you relish in the novelty. Over time, the excitement diffuses and mellows out as you settle into a routine. But there are actions you can do to re-introduce thrill back into the mix. It could look like letting them into your fantasies, bringing in sex toys, or having a quickie in the car because you can’t wait to get home. It could also be as simple as surprising them with sex in the morning instead of your usual nightly romp for variety.

8. Use thoughtful touch.

Last fall, I dated someone who would tightly grip me with his fingers whenever he would pull me in closer to hold and kiss me. Although we didn’t last long, I still feel a blush of desire when I remember our time together. The physical chemistry was that good.

According to Laeta, there’s a reason why I felt so wanted, and it comes down to how innovative he was about bodily stimulation: “Our skin loves variety. The best touch for arousal is a contrasting touch between lighter, gentle strokes and firmer, stronger holds. Be creative. Make sure not to use repetitive touch. You can use your lover’s body as a canvas to draw on.”

9. Become present through meditation.

“The better you are at feeling present and connected to your body and pleasure, the better sex will feel for everyone involved. [A] regular mindfulness practice with a focus on breath and sensations will help you develop this muscle,” Laeta says.

To avoid getting lost in disconnective thoughts, she recommends paying attention to the five senses (smell, taste, touch, sound, and sight) and using them as anchors to connect to your partner. Laeta says it could look like focusing on the music, smell of the candle, and the texture of your sheets, then zooming out to concentrate on how both you and your partner smell, taste, feel, sound, and look to keep putting yourself back in the moment.

10. Bring out your senses by comfortably setting the scene.

Herzog agrees incorporating the other five senses can round out sex and advises taking it one step further. Put in some time to prepare an inviting environment that enables you to lose yourself in intimacy even more. “Getting creative with sensory experiences, like incorporating sultry scents, listening to sexy music and so on can expand your sexual experience. My go-to recommendation for clients is listening to erotic stories together as part of their sexual dance.”

On that note, she says it’s hard to be sexy when the room is chaotic and unappealing. “Consider bringing in softer lighting and make sure that the space is clean and free of things like pet hair [or] clothes all over the floor to enhance the sexual space and make it free of distractions.”

11. Practice open-minded flexibility.

“Sexual flexibility does not literally mean how flexible your body is or what positions you can do. It is the act of being open to things changing. Think the evolution of our sexual preferences,” Herzog explains. The sexual relationship broadens with possibility when you’re non-judgmental and accepting of the ebbs and flows that will inevitably occur.

She notes by not being hyper-focused on the “shoulds” of sex, it can transform your sexual life. “Being flexible is one of the top predictors of sexual fulfillment for couples over time.”

12. Integrate sex accessories.

Herzog points out when penetrative sex is seen as the standard outcome for a romantic encounter, it can be restrictive. “Penetration feels great for some people, but not everyone prefers, likes, or wants to be penetrated in any way.” She suggests being open to other ways of giving and receiving pleasure, in the form of the hands, mouth, or sexual accessories like vibrators or prostate stimulators.

To make sure the item will be mutually fun, Herzog suggests first seeing if they’re open to the idea of toys and, if so, going on a shopping date together. “There are a variety of options available to you, and I encourage you to do your research and try out lots of options to see what works best for your body,” she notes.

13. Prioritizing pleasure-centered experiences.

Although orgasms are great, Herzog explains not everyone values or experiences it normatively either. Regardless of gender, sometimes it’s difficult to orgasm, and it has nothing to do with your partner or your enjoyment of the experience.

“You have a whole body to work with. Instead of being centered on orgasms as the best way to pleasure your partner, I’d encourage you to make pleasure the center for your sexual experiences,” she says.

14. Slow down to enjoy sex as a whole.

Edging is an orgasm control practice where you delay climaxing. When the receiving partner feels like they’re close to orgasming, the other partner reduces stimulation and builds anticipation back up to bring them closer to the edge, only to taper off and restart the cycle until they beg to come. 

By keying into the tension in the arousal, it makes everything feel more intense for both of you. It’s often seen as a way to have better orgasms because of the strength of the orgasm that can follow when you’re done edging.

15. Finish with aftercare.

After sex, you’re flooded with feel-good chemicals that connect you to your partner. Keep the positive energy going by engaging in aftercare. If one of you goes to sleep right away or puts on your clothes to leave, you’re overlooking an important step, and doing so can lead to feelings of rejection and disconnection.

Show them that their feelings matter by asking them how they like to be taken care of after sex. It’ll look different for each person. It could look like grounding themselves alone, eating a snack, watching a movie, taking a shower, pillow talk, or cuddling together. Intentional aftercare gives you time to reflect on what just happened, validate each other’s feelings, and clear up anything that you weren’t able to mention during sex.

The bottom line.

Being a better lover is about removing the conditions and “shoulds” from sex and flowing into radical presence with each other. If you’re looking for a scale to measure yourself on, look to see how you can allow yourself to be more imperfect, curious, and completely yourself with your partner. Doing this will help with emotional and physical intimacy.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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7 Steamy Items To Add To Your Sex Bucket List

Your brain is your best sexual partner.

By Molly Longman, Kasandra Brabaw

If you have sexual fantasies you’ve never acted on, don’t worry — you’re definitely not alone. Even the sexually adventurous among us can’t possibly have made it through every possible sexual scenario. There are countless sex positions, locations, kinks, and couplings to explore. So, if you’re looking to get a bit more experienced, then it’s time to sit down and write your sex bucket list.

Just like a regular bucket list — which is a check list of experiences you want to have before you die — a sex bucket list forces you to think about what you really want to do in the bedroom. It’s almost guaranteed to make your sex life a little more exciting. Making a list is just the beginning, though. The real fun comes in checking each item off.

Ahead, we’ve rounded up some steamy sexual fantasies to inspire your own sex bucket list — and how to actually make them a reality.

Sex At The Office

Despite all of the NSFW warnings that make it clear our minds shouldn’t be on sex at the office, plenty of people fantasise about tossing the papers off of their desk and getting dirty. Sometimes these daydreams involve a partner popping by for a surprise visit and sometimes they involve a coworker. Either way, it can’t hurt to try at least once — just make sure you’re doing it on your own desk, and not invading a random coworker’s space, in a totally empty office.

How to make it happen: Be super clear about lines of consent if you’re going to try this one with a coworker. Being aware of how positions of power can affect consent is always important, but office romances (or hookups) are top of mind in this #MeToo era.

Role-play

Whether it’s fantasising about having a one night stand with a stranger you meet in a bar, or a doctor’s visit taking a turn for the erotic, role-play is the answer. Especially if you’re in a committed, monogamous relationship, role-play allows you to explore all of your sexual fantasies while staying faithful.

How to make it happen: Float the idea to your partner ahead of time, and ask them to share their fantasy, too.

Having “Anywhere But The Bed” Sex

Sex in your bed is great, of course, but every once in a while it’s fun to switch up the location. Have sex on the kitchen table, against your front door, in the backyard, in your pool, in the car, or anywhere else your imagination takes you.

How to make it happen: The instructions on this one are pretty simple — just do it. But remember, if you have roommates and aren’t into letting them watch, makes sure to plan your “anywhere but the bed” sex for a time when you know they won’t be coming home.

Adding A Third

If you’ve always dreamed about having sex that involves three or more people, you’re not alone. All kinds of people, both queer and straight, have fantasised about having a threesome.

How to make it happen: As magical as threesomes sound, they don’t actually happen by magic. It takes a lot of communication, with your partner if you’re adding a third, with the couple if you’re joining in, or with two people who’ve never slept with each other before. You’ll need to talk about your expectations and boundaries, and make sure everyone involved is excited for what’s about to happen. Still not sure how to make it work? Read these handy tips from people who’ve actually had threesomes — and love them.

Having Sex In A Public Place

Whether it’s in the bathroom at your favourite bar, in a department store dressing room, or behind the bushes on a deserted street, the could-get-caught risk makes public sex way more exciting than your usual romp at home. With that said, it’s not cool to involve non-consenting strangers in your trysts, especially if you’re somewhere they could see you, hear you, or even have to clean up after you.

How to make it happen: Involving other people who did not consent in your kink is not cool. So no, even if sex in a dressing room or some place with a high risk of getting caught seems fun, it’s not okay. Instead, aim for spots that feel public, but don’t put other people at risk, such as in your car in a deserted parking lot, or in a sex club.

Having Sex While Someone Watches

Exhibitionism isn’t for everyone, but some people love the idea of getting it on with a partner while a third person watches (and maybe even masturbates because they find the action so sexy).

How to make it happen: If you live in a city that hosts sex parties, then it’s almost guaranteed that someone will watch. If you can’t attend a sex party, find an adventurous friend who’s willing to join in or put a call out on dating apps. It might take some time to find the right person, but it’ll be worth the wait.

Channeling Your Inner Anastasia Steele

If you’ve heard of 50 Shades Of Grey, then you have at least some idea of what it means to be submissive (though keep in mind that both the books and movies get a lot wrong about kink). Being a submissive essentially means that the dominant partner has control — with your consent, of course. That can mean the dom ties you up, spanks you, denies you an orgasm, tells you what to say, or any number of other sexual acts.

How to make it happen: If you have a partner, start with a conversation. Telling anyone about your kink can be nerve-wracking, for sure, but open communication with sexual partners is the only surefire way to make sure you’re getting what you want in bed. Consider making a yes/no/maybe list so that both you and your partner are able to talk about what you’re willing (and not willing) to do.

If you don’t have a partner, many sex parties have BDSM sections for people who either want to dominate or be dominated. If the idea of a sex dungeon freaks you out, attend a class or information session for a reputable sex party or kink group in your area.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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6 Surprising Benefits Of Having Sex On A Daily Basis

As if you needed any more incentive to be having sex, there are actually a myriad of health benefits you gain when you regularly engage in physical intimacy with a partner.

Of course, orgasms are great, and playing with a partner is always fun, but when you routinely jump in the sack to release sexual energy, your mental, emotional, and physical well-being get a much-needed boost.

Here are 6 major benefits of sex:

1. It fortifies the immune system.

When you’re having sex on a regular basis, your body naturally produces more Immunoglobulin A, an antibody that plays a vital role in the immune system’s functionality. This means your body has a better chance to fight off sickness, which is perfect come flu season. Build up those antibodies by having sex.

2. It improves emotional health.

Sex, by nature, is extremely intimate and physical. This means that you don’t need to be having sex with a significant other to create an emotional connection with another person.

Love is something that often grows from sex, but it’s not required to share that closeness with someone. Physical intimacy floods the brain with feel-good hormones, immediately shifting your perception of reality in a positive way.

3. You can learn to have multiple orgasms.

While most people think that only women are capable of achieving multiple orgasms, men can learn to do it as well. The Kinsey Institute reports that about 20 percent of men and 14 percent of women have the ability to orgasm multiple times. Are you part of the lucky bunch that gets off several times?

4. It works your body physically.

Exercise has been the clear answer to getting in shape and being healthy for decades now. It can be difficult to get motivated to go to the gym, but the motivation to have sex usually comes naturally.

When you have sex, you typically build up your cardiovascular stamina, as well as muscles in the back, legs, hips, and abdominals. Shed a few extra pounds and improve balance by regularly having sex.

5. Practice makes perfect.

Just as with most anything in life, practicing sex on a routine basis helps you get better at it. For men, this can mean lasting longer, which, in turn, helps women achieve their orgasm.

For women, it can often mean learning how to orgasm faster or easier. Whatever your specific benefit is, two people working at sex every day will naturally become better at it.

6. It helps keep you young.

Dr. David Weeks surveyed 3,500 people and discovered that everyone reported sex as being the “most intense kind of pleasure.” He also found that sex stimulates the production of certain chemicals in the body. Routine, loving sex was seen as the second most important factor when it came to retaining youth, just behind physical and mental activity.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Space sex

— The trouble with joining the 62-mile-high club

Whether NASA likes it or not, humans eventually will be having space sex.

By Ross Pomeroy

According to NASA, no humans have ever had sex in space, but with the swift ascent of private space tourism, you can bet that humankind will soon join the 62-mile-high club.

This impending achievement, coupled with renewed efforts to populate Earth orbit, build a colony on the Moon, and travel to Mars, lay bare the urgent need for scientific research into all aspects of sex in space, a team of Canadian researchers from Concordia University and Laval University argue in a paper just published in the Journal of Sex Research.

The team, led by Simon Dubé, a Concordia University PhD candidate in psychology specializing in human sexuality, sextech, and erobotics, calls for space programs to seriously explore “space sexology,” defined as “the comprehensive scientific study of extraterrestrial intimacy and sexuality.”

Don’t ask, don’t tell

Until now, space agencies like NASA have ignored the topic of sex almost entirely, perhaps fearful of generating a controversy that could jeopardize their funding. When queried about sex, NASA officials have brushed the matter aside. Astronauts are apparently prohibited from having sex or developing intimate relationships onboard the International Space Station.

But, again, as humankind increasingly begins to embrace the prospect of colonizing low-Earth orbit and beyond through private missions, disregarding research into a basic human drive is growing less tenable. Dubé and his co-authors outlined a number of potential risks related to space sex that merit study.

Space sex matters

For starters, ionizing radiation could interfere with sexual reproduction by altering the DNA of sperm cells, egg cells, and even human embryos (though one study suggested that mammal embryos can develop normally in space). Moreover, microgravity could make sex both difficult and messy — a big problem in a setting where cleanliness is paramount. Space habitats are also cramped, remote, and not always private, making sexual needs hard to satisfy. Thinking even farther into the future, small settlements with limited intimate partners will undoubtedly breed stress, conflicts, and even sexual harrassment or assault. The further people are from Earth and the longer they are in space, the more likely that sexual and relationship-related problems will arise, Dubé and his colleagues write.

They make the case for researching solutions to these risks right away. “As technology makes extraterrestrial life and travel more accessible to the public, the people who go into space in the future — from scientists to tourists — may not have to undergo the same kind of stringent training or selection process as current astronauts,” they argue. “Producing quality science and implementing systemic changes take time, so why not start immediately, rather than wait for problems to arise?”

Dubé and his co-authors have already fleshed out a few potential areas for research. The first is designing systems and spaces that allow for eroticism to be safe, private, and hygienic. This effort may also include preliminary planning for delivering babies in space and treating any sex-related health issues. The second is creating training programs that prepare space travelers for intimacy, sexual activity, and any social problems that may arise. The third is engineering sexual technologies like toys or robots that permit clean and satisfying sexual experiences.

Ultimately, if properly researched and planned for, “intimacy and sexuality — like leisure — could help endure and normalize life in space by making it more enjoyable and less lonely,” the researchers say. Sexual activity relieves stress, lowers blood pressure, and helps with sleep, among many other benefits.

“Facilitating intimacy and sexuality in space could improve the life of astronauts and future space inhabitants,” Dubé and his colleagues add. “Intimate and sexual activities can arguably help people adapt to space contexts and normalize spacelife.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The One Mistake Couples Always Make When Trying To Improve Their Sex Life

By Kelly Gonsalves

When a couple is trying to reinvigorate their sex life, often the implicit goal is to figure out how to do it more often. There’s a lot of focus on frequency as a marker of a good sex life.

How often couples should have sex is very dependent on the particular individuals involved and what amount of sex feels good for each of them. But according to Jessa Zimmerman, a certified sex therapist and marriage counselor, one issue some couples can run into by trying to chase the “right amount” of sex is in how they’re keeping count.

What counts as sex, anyway?

In relationships between men and women, often couples think of sex as having penis-in-vagina intercourse. Therefore, when trying to improve or ignite their sex lives, the unspoken focus of the endeavor is how to make that particular act happen more often.

That narrow focus is often missing the whole point of having sex in the first place, says Zimmerman, “The point of sex, from my point of view, is to share pleasure with your partner and to feel connected in the process,” she explains. So if you’re focusing on making a certain act happen, she continues, you’re focusing on the wrong thing—not to mention creating a kind of pressure that can even dampen libido.

Great sex isn’t about doing certain things with certain body parts. It’s about how good you can make your bodies feel and enjoying heights of eroticism, intimacy, and connection as a couple.

How to actually improve your sex life.

“Spend intimate time together, without pressure to hit a goal or do a certain thing,” Zimmerman recommends.

You can still try to increase how often you’re being intimate with each other as a couple, but the idea is to enter into those moments without expectations for it to lead to a certain sexual act or outcome. Lie in bed and touch each other’s bodies sensually. Make out on the couch. Get dressed up, have a romantic dinner, and enjoy the feeling of finding each other attractive. Turn each other on. Look for ways to spark electricity or to lean into a moment of tender intimacy. Focus on how connected—and exhilarated—these moments make you feel.

The key here is being fully present in these moments rather than thinking about what should come next.

“Sex is like going to the playground. It’s the outing that counts, not whether you go down the slide,” Zimmerman adds. “We don’t need an agenda; we can get inspired in the moment and do what we feel like doing. The truth is that you literally cannot fail. Any shared outing like that is a success.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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6 Tips for Having Great, Fulfilling Sex When You’re Just So Tired

By Natalie Arroyo Camacho

A healthy sex life is linked to a number of great benefits: a longer lifespan, improved heart health, and decreased stress, to name a few. That said, at one point or another, it’s likely you’ve simply been too tired to have it. But, having sex when you’re tired still stands to boost your well-being because it makes you feel more connected to your sexual partner and opens you up to all the benefits of experiencing orgasm. (Of course, this doesn’t apply to asexual people, whose relationships are still valid and intimate despite a lack of sexual activity.) And, with the help of some tips, it’s possible to still have great and satisfying sex, even if you’re pretty zonked.

And for the health of your relationship, it may be worth your effort, too. According to experts, using sleepiness as a reason to avoid sex may lead you to not regularly reap the intimacy-boosting benefits of sex. “When you’re maintaining that [sexual] connection, even if you’re going through hard times together, you’re likely to be a little kinder and nicer, and maybe even a little more patient with your partner in the rest of your relationship,” says sexologist and co-founder of GoLove CBD lubricant Sadie Allison, PhD.

That said, if you or your partner is chronically tired and not in the mood, it’s important to first connect about potential underlying issues causing the sex-life-busting exhaustion. “I always encourage couples to first talk about the fatigue,” says sex therapist Shannon Chavez, PsyD. “If there’s not even [sexual] desire, or one partner hasn’t been in the mood, having an open dialogue around that is the first step [to having sex when tired], because you want to figure out what’s getting in the way of sex.” Following this discussion, it’s important to follow up with action. Whether that’s a change in routine, one partner helping the other to minimize sources of stress that may be stoking libido-busting fatigue, or seeking therapy, it’s important to move forward together.

But sometimes, there’s no serious or problematic underlying issue, and you’re just plain old sleepy. Read on for six expert-backed suggestions for having great consensual sex when you’re tired (and why doing so may be worth it).

6 expert-backed tips for having sex when you’re tired (and making it great)

1. Remember that sex goes beyond penetrative intercourse

Dr. Allison says that understanding intercourse as broader than just a penetrative act can ultimately make it easier to to make sure everyone is satisfied, and—considering the factor of tiredness—efficiently so.

For instance, non-penetrative sex acts can be effective for achieving orgasm (the fastest way for vulva-owners to orgasm, after all, is via the clitoris), and having an orgasm releases happiness-boosting chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin in our brains. So, it’s totally possible to reap the well-being benefits of sex without having penetrative intercourse.

2. Try “lazy” positions

In this sense, “lazy” is not meant to convey a negative feeling. It’s more so a way to depict the amount of energy that goes into sex when you’re tired. “Lazy sex is good sex, because all sex leads to feeling more desire for connection,” Dr. Chavez says.

“Lazy sex is good sex, because all sex leads to feeling more desire for connection.” —sex therapist Shannon Chavez, PsyD

Basically, it’s an expert-sanctioned excuse to take it easy on the advanced sex positions when you’re super sleepy.  “You want to choose a position that is the least amount of work necessary,” says Dr. Allison. For example, spooning can be a good go-to position for having sex when you’re tired because it doesn’t require much energy or agility—plus, it brings you physically close to your partner.

3. Try to have sex during the afternoon

If you and your partner work remotely, afternoon sex can be a real winner. At this time, we have naturally higher levels of alertness thanks to the hormone cortisol and lower levels of sleep hormone melatonin than at night. So, fitting daytime sex into your schedule may circumvent the feeling of “having to” have sex at the end of a long and draining day.

4. Give yourselves grace

Certain individuals may experience super-busy seasons at work, for example, and this may sometimes impact their bandwidth for sex. For example, if your partner has a presentation coming up they’ve been preparing for months, or you just launched your business, your sex life may lag a bit in light of those energy-absorbing realities. In cases like these, give yourselves a break and stay in communication about how you plan to prioritize your relationship—sexually or otherwise. After all, it’s important to not make sex feel like a chore or another item on an already super-long to-do list.

“During busy seasons, be realistic with the schedule and know that this particular month might be difficult or different. Give yourself some grace,” says Dr. Allison.

5. Prioritize intimacy

Whether it’s a busy season or not, make sex and intimacy a priority; something you want and need to do as opposed to something you have to do. Part of this means not leaving it as the last thing you do in a day, after all your chores and to-dos are finished. Otherwise, sex unfortunately often slips through the cracks because, well, you’re just too tired after doing everything else.

The key here? Both partners should agree that no matter what, even if each is exhausted, they’ll make time for intimate connection. Even if it’s a couple of minutes of eye gazing and not an orgasm-inducing activity, says Dr. Chavez.

6. Try having slower sex

“Slow sex can be some of the best sex,” says Dr. Chavez. And because you’re moving slower, you’re exerting less energy, which can ease anxiety about having sex when you’re just so damn tired.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Want a better relationship?

Watch porn with your partner.

A recent study casts doubt on the notion that watching porn, whether alone or with a partner, damages romantic relationships.

By Stephen Johnson

  • In media and psychological research, it has often been assumed that watching pornography harms romantic relationships.
  • A new study challenges that idea by showing that couples who watch porn together tend to report higher sexual and relationship satisfaction.
  • In terms of watching porn alone, relationships only seem to suffer when there are significant differences in sex drive between partners.

How does watching pornography affect romantic relationships? According to popular media, the answer often has been that watching porn, especially when one partner watches it alone, can damage relationships and lead to unrealistic or unhealthy expectations about sex. 

Psychological research has partly supported these ideas. Although few studies have proposed that watching porn necessarily hurts relationships, research has found correlationations suggesting that porn exposure leads to decreased sexual and relationship satisfaction, decreased relationship commitment, and increased rates of cheating. 

But a new study offers a more nuanced look at the role porn can play in romantic relationships. The research, published in Frontiers in Psychology, challenges mainstream notions about porn, finding that romantic partners who watch porn together tend to be more sexually satisfied and content with their relationships — at least when the couple is on the same page.

The research on porn and relationships

The body of research on porn’s effects on relationships has had a few notable problems, according to the researchers behind the recent study. For example, studies often collected data from only one partner in the relationship and usually did not compare each partner’s disposition to pornography to the other. 

Studies also had tended to frame the exposure to porn as the cause of relationship or sexual dissatisfaction, omitting the possibility that watching porn is actually a consequence of dissatisfaction or maybe even irrelevant to relationship problems. What’s more, most studies on porn and relationships have not been replicated, representing a broader problem in the social sciences.

Porn, gender, and sex drive

In the recent study, the researchers examined two cross-sectional and two longitudinal samples of more than 700 heterosexual couples. They conducted four studies that, altogether, explored how porn exposure (both solitary and shared) relates to relationship and sexual satisfaction, and how factors like gender and attitudes toward porn and sexuality might contribute to the overall question of porn’s effects on relationships.

“Across three studies, we found consistent evidence that partners who watch pornography together report higher relationship and sexual satisfaction than partners who do not, and notably, this association was not moderated by gender,” the researchers wrote, adding that shared porn use may improve relationships because it improves sexual communication or because it’s a novel and exciting activity.

As for relationships in which one partner regularly watches porn alone? The results show that solitary porn exposure was negatively associated with that partner’s own relationship and sexual satisfaction, but “only in cases where their romantic partners used little or no pornography alone.”

The researchers called this the similarity-dissimilarity effect, which refers to how each partner can have different dispositions toward sex and porn. The study examined several domains of sexual differences, including sex drive, attitudes toward porn, and erotophobia and erotophilia. In terms of solitary porn use and sexual satisfaction in relationships, it turned out that sex drive was the only factor where differences between partners was significantly associated with lower sexual (but not relationship) satisfaction.

It remains unclear whether solitary porn use causes lower sexual satisfaction or is a byproduct of it. In general, the study did not establish causal paths for porn and relationship or sexual satisfaction. Still, the strong associations cast doubt on the popular perception that watching porn necessarily harms relationships.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Pride 2021

Happy Gay Pride Month!

gay-pride.jpg

It’s time, once again, to post my annual pride posting.

In my lifetime I’ve witnessed a most remarkable change in societal attitudes toward those of us on the sexual fringe. One only needs to go back 50 years in time. I was 17 years old then and I knew I was queer. When I looked out on the world around me this is what I saw. Homosexuality was deemed a mental disorder by the nation’s psychiatric authorities, and gay sex was a crime in every state but Illinois. Federal workers could be fired merely for being gay.

Today, gays and trans folks serve openly in the military, work as TV news anchors and federal judges, win elections as big-city mayors and members of Congress. Popular TV shows have gay and trans protagonists.

Six years ago this month, a Supreme Court ruling lead to the legalization of same-sex marriage throughout the whole country.

The transition over five decades has been far from smooth — replete with bitter protests, anti-gay violence, backlashes that inflicted many political setbacks, and AIDS. Unlike the civil rights movement and the women’s liberation movement, the campaign for gay rights unfolded without household-name leaders.

And yet some still experience a backlash in the dominant culture. I don’t relish the idea, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention it. And while we endure this be reminded that it won’t smart nearly as much if we know our history. And we should also remember the immortal words of Martin Luther King, Jr. “The moral arc of the universe bends at the elbow of justice.”

In honor of gay pride month, a little sex history lesson — The Stonewall Riots

The confrontations between demonstrators and police at The Stonewall Inn, a mafia owned bar in Greenwich Village NYC over the weekend of June 27-29, 1969 are usually cited as the beginning of the modern Lesbian/Gay liberation Movement. What might have been just another routine police raid onstonewall.jpg a bar patronized by homosexuals became the pivotal event that sparked the entire modern gay rights movement.

The Stonewall riots are now the stuff of myth. Many of the most commonly held beliefs are probably untrue. But here’s what we know for sure.

  • In 1969, it was illegal to operate any business catering to homosexuals in New York City — as it still is today in many places in the world. The standard procedure was for New York City’s finest to raid these establishments on a regular basis. They’d arrest a few of the most obvious ‘types’ harass the others and shake down the owners for money, then they’d let the bar open as usual by the next day.
  • Myth has it that the majority of the patrons at the Stonewall Inn were black and Hispanic drag queens. Actually, most of the patrons were probably young, college-age white guys lookin for a thrill and an evening out of the closet, along with the usual cadre of drag queens and hustlers. It was reasonably safe to socialize at the Stonewall Inn for them, because when it was raided the drag queens and bull-dykes were far more likely to be arrested then they were.
  • After midnight June 27-28, 1969, the New York Tactical Police Force called a raid on The Stonewall Inn at 55 Christopher Street in NYC. Many of the patrons who escaped the raid stood around to witness the police herding the “usual suspects” into the waiting paddywagons. There had recently been several scuffles where similar groups of people resisted arrest in both Los Angeles and New York.
  • Stonewall was unique because it was the first time gay people, as a group, realized that what threatened drag queens and bull-dykes threatened them all.
  • Many of the onlookers who took on the police that night weren’t even homosexual. Greenwich Village was home to many left-leaning young people who had cut their political teeth in the civil rights, anti-war and women’s lib movements.
  • As people tied to stop the arrests, the mêlée erupted. The police barricaded themselves inside the bar. The crowd outside attempted to burn it down. Eventually, police reinforcements arrived to disperse the crowd. But this just shattered the protesters into smaller groups that continued to mill around the streets of the village.
  • A larger crowd assembled outside the Stonewall the following night. This time young gay men and women came to protest the raids that were commonplace in the city. They held hands, kissed and formed a mock chorus line singing; “We are the Stonewall Girls/We wear our hair in curls/We have no underwear/We show our pubic hair.” Don’t ‘cha just love it?
  • Police successfully dispersed this group without incident. But the print media picked up the story. Articles appeared in the NY Post, Daily News and The Village Voice. Theses helped galvanize the community to rally and fight back.
  • Within a few days, representatives of the Mattachine Society and the Daughters of Bilitis (two of the country’s first homophile rights groups) organized the city’s first ever “Gay Power” rally in Washington Square. Some give hundred protesters showed up; many of them gay and lesbians.

stonewall02.jpgThe riots led to calls for homosexual liberation. Fliers appeared with the message: “Do you think homosexuals are revolting? You bet your sweet ass we are!” And the rest, boys and girls, is as they say is history.

During the first year after Stonewall, a whole new generation of organizations emerged, many identifying themselves for the first time as “Gay.” This not only denoted sexual orientation, but a radical way to self-identify with a growing sense of open political activism. Older, more staid homophile groups soon began to make way for the more militant groups like the Gay Liberation Front.

The vast majority of these new activists were under thirty; dr dick’s generation, don’t cha know. We were new to political organizing and didn’t know that this was as ground-breaking as it was. Many groups formed on colleges campuses and in big cities around the world.

By the following summer, 1970, groups in at least eight American cities staged simultaneous events commemorating the Stonewall riots on the last Sunday in June. The events varied from a highly political march of three to five thousand in New York to a parade with floats for 1200 in Los Angeles. Seven thousand showed up in San Francisco.

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Navigating your way through a toxic relationship

—being in one or getting out

By Summer Hoagland-Abernathy

This is the third time in five weeks you’ve stormed out of a restaurant because you thought your mom was going to be nice to you today. Then, she wasn’t.

Each time, she apologizes and tells you she loves you and you shouldn’t take everything she says so seriously, and each time, you say you guess it’s okay, and you make plans to catch up over lattes.

But this time, as you stomp to the bus to get back home, you wonder how much longer you can keep doing this. It’s emotionally exhausting to have to forgive someone and then put energy back into your relationship, only to trash it when the situation gets bad again.

What should you do if you think you might be in a toxic relationship? The Chronicle spoke with mental health and relationship experts to find out.

Start off with weighing the pros and cons of the relationship, said psychologist and friendship expert Irene S. Levine. Specifically, about potentially toxic friendships, she said these relationships are built up over time, so you do not want to immediately disregard the person. But the relationship should feel good for all parties, so you should respect yourself as well.

“Friendships are voluntary relationships, and they should be rewarding,” she said. “If they’re not, it may be time to end the friendship, but you have to bear in mind that this person was your friend, so you want to do it in as kind a way as possible.”

Hollie Schmid, marriage and family therapist at Relationship Reality 312, said some of the steps you should take in a situation like this depend on if the other person is a friend, family member or a romantic partner. But in any case, she would recommend vocalizing your feelings using statements like “I feel x, y and z” instead of “You did x,” which make the receiver defensive.

She said there are levels to toxicity. If the toxicity involves manipulation, gaslighting, or emotional abuse, Schmid recommends going to therapy for further help if the toxic person is a family member or romantic partner. Having an unbiased person speak to your partner or family member about their behavior is the best route, but if they are not willing to change or seek help, having therapy to help yourself will be beneficial.

If the level of toxicity involves physical abuse, individual therapy would be more appropriate than relationship therapy, said Jennifer Litner, sexologist and director of Embrace Sexual Wellness.

She said to identify how safe you feel. Think about the repercussions of leaving, and use that knowledge as you create a safety plan and support system for getting out of the relationship.

Identifying when it is time to leave can be difficult. Lizzette Arcos, a psychotherapist at Youth & Family Counseling, said to think about it metaphorically—how much fast food can you eat before you start to feel sick? You should have a healthy balance between fast food and vegetables, just as you should have a healthy balance between traits of a person that make you upset and traits that make you happy.

“If you weigh the pros and cons of what they bring to the relationship and what you bring, you can see their toxicity,” Arcos said.

Catalina Lawsin, Ph.D, a clinical health psychologist specializing in sex and relationships at her private practice, advises to be wary of only using “toxic” to describe your relationship.

It is a subjective descriptor, she said, that could describe someone who is undergoing physical abuse every hour of the day or someone whose partner comments on their appearance whenever they go to dinner.

“The more we can specify and localize a problem or concern, the easier it is to manage,” Lawsin said. “I do think if that’s how someone is describing their relationship or their experience, then now delve deeper into what that is.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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There Are at Least 8 Different Romantic Orientations

—Here’s Why Learning Yours Is Important

by Mary Grace Garis

Many understand sexual orientation to be the term that describes who a person is attracted to, in terms of gender and sexual identity. But, it’s possible that sexual desire and romantic desire won’t line up, which is why it’s important to understand sexual orientation and romantic orientation as separate entities. The differences help to explain why a person might gravitate to one person for an amorous experience and another person for a sexual one.

That is, some people may be sexually attracted to people of a certain or multiple genders, but they’re only romantically interested in another. And just like there are multiple sexual orientations, there are at least eight identifiable romantic orientations: aromantic, biromantic, heteroromantic, homoromantic, panromantic, polyromantic, grayromantic and demiromantic.

“Sexual orientation is about who you want to sleep with. This can feel like more of a physical sensation than a romance. Romantic orientation, on the other hand, is about who you want to be affectionate with or even fall in love with,” says Searah Deysach, sex educator and owner of feminist sex shop Early to Bed. “Some people think that these two orientations are one and the same, but it’s not for folks who have a mixed orientation.”

“Sexual orientation is about who you want to sleep with. Romantic orientation is about who you want to be affectionate with or even fall in love with.” —sex educator Searah Deysach

For example, let’s say a woman is sexually attracted to people who identify as men and women and identifies as bisexual. But when it comes down to romantic relationships, she really doesn’t have the same desire to actually partner up with a man. Her preference for love and dating is exclusively women, so she might identify as homoromantic.

“Knowing whether or not your sexual and romantic orientations align can be part of your journey to truly understand yourself,” Deysach says. “If you’re dating, it can help you figure out who you are looking for in a long-term partner versus someone you might just be interested in on a physical level. It can help you better understand why you are—or are not—‘feeling it’ with someone sometimes, too.”

Understanding your own romantic orientation isn’t just powerful for yourself, though—it also can provide value for future partners. Sharing your romantic orientation on your dating profile (or to a new love interest or flame) means all parties involved can have a clearer idea of who you are, and what bond you’re really seeking.

“As with most things around sex and relationships, knowing and accepting yourself for what you need and want is the first step to being able to share your body and your love with others,” Deysach says. “Being open and honest with any romantic or sexual partner can help everyone enter the relationship with their eyes open and their expectations aligned.”

As a structure, romantic orientations are meant to help facilitate deeper personal understanding to strengthen your relationships with yourself and others. But if they don’t resonate with you, get in the way of how you define yourself, or feel too rigid or limiting, simply ignore them. If you feel that knowing your romantic orientation may bring dimension to your love life and identity, though, check out the list below for non-exhaustive list of the types below.

Different romantic orientation types

1. Aromantic

Aromantic individuals don’t experience romantic attraction toward individuals of any genders. You might still have sexual needs, but not romantic feelings towards any given person.

2. Biromantic

With the root “bi,” meaning “two,” biromantic refers to being romantically attracted to those who identify as men and women.

3. Heteroromantic

Heteroromantic folks are romantically attracted toward people who identify as the opposite gender to their own.

4. Homoromantic

Homoromantic refers to those who are romantically attracted to people who identify as the same gender.

5. Panromantic

Panromantic people are those who are attracted to people of every gender. For people who identify as panromantic, gender doesn’t really factor into whom they fall in love with.

6. Polyromantic

Polyromantic folks may have a romantic attraction to multiple, but not necessarily all genders. This categorization leaves room for more gender identities, beyond male or female.

7. Greyromantic

A greyromantic orientation refers to those who fall on the spectrum between aromantic and, well, romantic. It mainly suggests someone who has had infrequent romantic attraction or very weak romantic attraction to other people. It can be an identifier on its own, or it can be used with another romantic orientation. For example, if a woman has a waned, barely palpable interest in men, then she’d be hetero-greyromantic.

8. Demiromantic

Demiromantic refers to someone who doesn’t experience a romantic attraction unless they’ve already formed a close emotional bond with someone. Like greyromantic folks, this term can be used by itself, or it can be a hyphenate with another romantic orientation.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Be a Better Lover

— In and Out of the Bedroom

by Gabrielle Kassel

Maybe your current boo told you to up your game (ouch). Maybe you’ve always harbored sneaking suspicions that you’re subpar in the sack. Or maybe you just want to join the Greats.

Regardless, you’re here because you think you’re bad in bed — or at the very least, could be better.

Well, we’ve got some good news: It’s actually not possible to be bad in bed. Really!

That said, it is possible for your communication skills to need an upgrade. Or for your sex life to need a little zhuzhing up. This guide can help on both fronts.

Got an FWB coming over in 30 minutes and want tips stat? Or planning to get your flirt (and freak) on at the bar tonight? These tips are for you.

Listen to your partner’s verbal and non-verbal cues

Carly S., pleasure expert and founder of Dildo or Dildon’t, says there’s one caveat to the “It’s not possible to be bad in bed” thesis statement.

“If you’re completely ignoring your partner’s attempts to communicate with you, and steamrolling them into doing whatever you want, you’re a bad lover,” she says. TBH, at this point, you’re not having sex with your partner — you’re violating them.

Your move: Tune into what your partner is saying with their words, mouths, hands, and body.

“Are they pulling you closer? Or are they pushing you away?” asks Megan Stubbs, EdD, a clinical sexologist and author of “Playing Without a Partner: A Singles’ Guide to Sex, Dating, and Happiness”.

“Are they shifting their hips away from you, or toward you?”

These body cues can give you insight into what they like and don’t like.

Communicate, communicate, communicate

“Your partner isn’t a mind-reader,” Stubbs says. “For them to know what you do and don’t like, you have to tell them.”

For the record, she says, communicating can be as simple as saying:

  • “That feels good! How does it feel for you?”
  • “Yes! That!”
  • “A little more pressure, please!”
  • “Is your tongue getting tired?”
  • “Can you do that thing you were doing earlier instead?”

Check your ego at the door

If your ego is telling you, “If they need lube, it’s because they don’t like you” or “If they want a vibrator, it’s because you’re inadequate,” tell your ego to shut up.

“Sex toys and sexual wellness aids are inanimate objects that are designed to increase how pleasurable the sexual encounter is,” Carly says.

So, she says, if your partner expresses an interest in bringing those into the bedroom, your first thought shouldn’t be “I’m not good enough.” It should be “Wow! My partner wants to experience pleasure with me.”

Before we talk about the trees, let’s talk about the forest…

Confidence

“Confidence is a work in progress for everybody — but it’s work worth doing especially, if you want to be a better lover,” Carly says.

Confidence, she says, is key to asking for what you want in bed, graciously receiving feedback from your partner, and more.

To build up confidence, she suggests:

  1. repeating a self-love mantra to yourself every morning
  2. curating your digital spaces and unfollowing people who make you question your worth
  3. writing a list of things you like about yourself every week
  4. leaving a partner who puts you down
  5. trying therapy

Communication

Sensing a common theme?

“[Communication] should be happening before, during, and after sex,” Stubbs says.

Before sex, talk about:

During sex, talk about:

  • how it feels physically
  • what you’re feeling emotionally or spiritually
  • what you need to feel safe
  • if or when you want it to end

After sex, talk about:

  • how it felt emotionally and physically
  • if it’s something you want to do again
  • what you need in this exact moment (water, food, blankets, etc.)

Enthusiasm

Enthusiasm, as defined by Merriam-Webster, is a strong excitement of feeling.

In other words, it’s the antithesis of apathy.

And who the heck wants to get it on with someone who’s acting *shrug emoji* about having sex with them? Specific kinks aside, very few pleasure seekers do.

Some ways to express enthusiasm during sex:

  • Tell them you like how they look, smell, taste, or feel.
  • Compliment them.
  • Verbally and nonverbally affirm what feels good.

  • Don’t fake your orgasm

    Faking your orgasm is the opposite of communicating what you want in bed, according to Stubbs. “Faking orgasms positively reinforces bad technique,” she says.

    If you’ve been faking it up to this point, you could have an open and honest conversation. You might, for example, consider saying:

    “I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you emotionally and physically. But, before we continue having sex, I want to be transparent about the fact that I’ve been faking my orgasms. It isn’t that the sex hasn’t felt good — it has! — but I’ve been too shy to ask for what I need to orgasm. Do you think next time it would be OK if I touched my clit during sex?”

    Another option is to stop faking your orgasm, and start helping your partner bring you to orgasm.

    Masturbate

    Now that you’re getting laid, you might be tempted to let your solo sex life fall by the wayside.

    Don’t!

    “Having a masturbation practice makes it easier for you to know what you like sexually and easier to communicate that to your partner,” Carly says. In other words, solo sex might lend itself to better partnered sex.

    There are ways to be a better lover to your new(ish) partner.

    Begin talking about sex more

    Specifically: When you’re fully clothed.

    “Talking about sex outside the bedroom automatically makes it a lower stakes conversation,” Carly says. “Because of that, it can become easier for people to talk about their fantasies, desires, likes, dislikes, and more.”

    You might do this by:

    • asking your partner if they find a sex scene on the screen hot
    • inviting your partner to help you pick out underwear
    • watching a sexy music video together
    • telling your partner when you feel randomly aroused
    • sharing your sex dreams with your partner

    Make a yes/no/maybe list together

    Whether you and your partner see yourselves as being sexually adventurous, or not, Stubbs recommends spending an evening filling out a yes/no/maybe list (like this one or this one).

    “Doing so will give you both an opportunity to talk about your desires openly,” she says, “which is something good lovers give their partner’s space to do.”

    Take an online sex workshop together

    Who says pandemic-friendly date nights are limited to take-out, Netflix, and physically distanced walks?

    Try attending an online workshop together about sex, kink, or intimacy.

    You might say:

    • “Hey, are you free Saturday night? I found a fun Zoom event about [X]. I thought it could be fun!”
    • “I’m going to attend this online workshop I found on Thursday. Any interest in attending with me? It’s going to be all about [X], which is something I want to learn more about!”

    To find an event, you can search the #queersexeducator, #sexeducator, and #sexworkshop hashtags on Instagram and Twitter.

    That one caveat withstanding, being bad in bed may not be possible.

    But it doesn’t mean that improving your communication skills, learning to express your enthusiasm, working on your self-confidence and ego, and adding new “sextivities” to your repertoire can’t make you a better lover — they all can.

    Don’t take our word for it. Try ’em out yourself. The proof will be in the pudding pleasure.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to practice tantric sex

— a slow, meditative form of intimacy that can improve relationships

By Sarah Fielding

  • Tantric sex is a slow, meditative form of intimacy that’s focused on strengthening the bond between you and a partner. 
  • To practice tantric sex, slow down the pace, focus on your breath, and engage all five senses. 
  • Have you ever wanted to slow things down in the bedroom and gain a more intimate connection with a partner? If so, you may want to consider tantric sex — a form of intimacy focused on strengthening the ties between you and your partner. Here’s how to practice tantric sex and tips to integrate the practice into your sex life.

    What is tantric sex?

    Tantric sex is a slowed-down version of sex designed to enhance intimacy. It stems from the Sanskrit word tantra, which means woven together, and is rooted in Hindu and Buddhist teachings.

    In tantric sex, the goal is not about reaching orgasm quickly (if at all) or about feeling incredible physical pleasure. Instead, tantric sex focuses on creating a genuine mindful connection within yourself and then between you and your partner.

    “You feel as if you’re merging together or, rather, that the things that separate you are illusions of the material world,” says Stefani Goerlich, a licensed master social worker and sex therapist. “The result of tantric practice is the creation of close bonds with one’s partner, greater awareness of one’s body, and the development of skills such as mindfulness, restraint, and communication.”

     Another benefit of tantric sex is its ability to ease anxiety. Traditionally, intimacy can cause performance anxiety around premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, and the worry about ensuring orgasm.

    “That pressure… takes you from being in the moment and in your body, to being in your head,” says Kamil Lewis, a sex and relationship therapist in Southern California.

    Tantric sex removes those anxieties. “When [you] are able to redirect [your] focus towards experiencing the sensations of simply being present and connected together, [you] are able to enjoy sex without anxiety or fear,” says Goerlich.

    How to prepare for tantric sex

    1. Learn about its history

    As with any practice rooted in a specific culture, taking the time to understand its history shows respect for its origin and allows you to embrace it with a fuller understanding.

    “We cannot take on the spiritual and religious practices of other cultures without taking the time to honor the origins and understand what we’re doing,” says Goerlich. A great place to start could be this cultural and historical overview of tantra.

    2. Practice mindfulness

    To prepare for tantric sex, Lewis recommends doing a mindfulness practice to connect with your body, become aware of senses, and slow down — all integral aspects of tantric sex.

    This can be done through yoga, meditation, or intentionally focusing on sensations and movements throughout the day.

    3. Create a safe environment

    If trying tantric sex, create a safe environment where you and a partner feel free to connect with yourselves and each other.

    “Somewhere where you can feel uninhibited by distractions, and somewhere that you don’t feel self-conscious about sounds you may make,” says Lewis. “Moaning, grunting, and vocalizing are encouraged with tantric sex, so consider a time when roommates, parents, or children aren’t home.”

    Lewis also suggests incorporating calming sensual elements into the space, such as lit candles and essential oils.

    How to practice tantric sex

    1. Focus on breath

    Focusing on breath is an essential component of tantric sex, as it allows for deeper connection.  Partners are encouraged to synchronize their breaths, so it almost becomes one movement, says Molly Papp, LMFT, sexologist, a certified sex addiction therapist, and owner of Bella Vida Therapy.

    As with most mindfulness practices, the breath also grounds you in the present moment. Try paying attention to a part of your body where you feel the breath, like the belly or chest, and refocus your attention to this part.

    2. Gaze into each other’s eyes

    Spend time gazing into a partner’s eyes. While continual eye contact isn’t necessary for tantric sex, Papp highly recommends it occur often to help build an intimate connection. Eye gazing is another way of synchronizing to each other’s energy. To gaze deeper, try focusing on having your right eye connect with their right eye.

    3. Slow down

    Tantric sex is not a race to an orgasmic finish line, but a chance to slow down and explore each other’s bodies. It can last until you reach orgasm, feel connected, or are emotionally satisfied.

    This attitude change relieves a lot of typically felt anxiety. “It is especially great for women because of its focus on slowing things down and waiting for arousal to build,” says Papp. “In an age where we are flooded with unrealistic pressure to feel orgasmic pleasure within minutes, this is freeing for many women.”

    Papp suggests having lube, oils, or lotion nearby to ensure slow movements aren’t painful.

    4. Engage all five senses

    The only “goal” of tantric sex is remaining present and being aware of sensations in the body. To do this, Lewis suggests paying attention to all five of your senses, not just touch.

    “Notice how your partner smells, what the curves of their bodies look like, what tastes you pick up in your mouth as you kiss, what it sounds like when they or you moan,” Lewis says. “These are all great ways to become grounded in your body and present in the moment.”

    5. Incorporate massage 

    Sex does not need to be penetrative. “Kissing, touching, holding, rubbing, and more can all lead to a full tantric sexual experience, no penetration necessary,” says Lewis.

    Even if you want to incorporate penetrative sex, Goerlich says there’s no reason to rush into it. Start by focusing on markers that keep you present and connected, like massaging or cuddling.

    “Prolong this sensory exploration and carry it over into your penetrative sex — if indeed you have penetrative sex,” says Goerlich.

    In fact, focusing on other forms of intimacy can help keep anxiety levels down. “Something more sensual rather than sexual could help calm one or both partners,” says Papp. “A cuddle session or massage would help relieve that anxiety and ease the experience.”

    Takeaways

    Tantric sex slows down an intimate experience and emphasizes the connection between you and a partner. The practice involves focusing on the breath, staying present, and creating a safe environment to explore sensual intimacy.

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34 erogenous zones and how to stimulate them

We get you acquainted with these subtle and not-so-suble pleasure points.

by Rosie Saunders

Put simply, erogenous zones are extra-sensitive areas of the human body that generate a sexual response when stimulated.

They’re located all over, from your eyelids to your ankles. Though sexual in nature, your body’s response might not necessarily be an out-and-out orgasm – it could be subtle arousal or even deep relaxation.

To get you acquainted with these subtle and not-so-suble pleasure points, we asked Mia Sabat, sex therapist at sexual wellbeing audio app Emjoy, and Marlena Segar, sex and relationships educator and community manager for the Healthy Pleasure Group, to share their tips for locating and stimulating 36 erogenous zones:

36 erogenous zones you should know

‘We’ve likely all experienced the feeling where someone has touched a part of your body in just the right way, and it’s felt so good that it may have sent a shiver down your spine,’ says Segar. ‘That would be an erogenous zone. An area of the body, that when stimulated sends signals to the brain that translate as pleasurable sensations.’

‘Everyone’s erogenous zones are slightly different, both in location and sensory response.’

The sensitivity varies from individual to individual, according to the concentrations of specific nerve endings in that particular area. ‘Everyone’s erogenous zones are slightly different, both in location and sensory response,’ she continues. ‘They’re also context-specific. Exploring both where on your body you want to be touched, and how you want to be touched is the only way to discover what you enjoy.’

Here, we’ve picked out 32 erogenous zones – from the obvious to the overlooked – with advice on how to approach them. Numbers 1-20 are shared spots; 21-28 are specific to women and people with vaginas; while 29-34 refer to men and people with penises.

1. Scalp

The scalp is full of nerve endings, and is especially sensitive just behind the ears and on the nape of the neck. ‘Start by gently stroking or running your fingers through your partner’s hair, always starting at the roots and maintaining a consistent motion and pressure to simulate the scalp directly,’ says Sabat.

2. Earlobes

The earlobes are made up of thin skin, which typically means increased sensitivity. ‘Some enjoy a gentle kiss or nibble on the earlobe, while others might prefer more intense sensations, such as sucking, pinching, biting or pulling,’ says Sabat.

3. Armpits

It might be a little ticklish, but your armpits are chock-full of nerve endings. ‘Caressing, kissing and even licking this area can be equal parts playful and erotic,’ says Sabat. ‘Approach the area with a gentle-but-firm touch, using circular motions and long strokes for maximum pleasure.’

4. Inner arms

This area lends itself to increased sensitivity thanks to the thin, soft skin that makes up the area. ‘Stroking the region, starting just inside the inner shoulder, and moving gently down to the inner elbow can be overwhelmingly pleasurable,’ says Sabat.

5. Small of the back

The intersection of the spine and pelvis, known as the sacrum, is a highly sensitive spot. ‘Treat your partner to a gentle massage, or engage with temperature and sensory play with objects like ice, feathers, warming oils, and silk to elicit an incredible response,’ says Sabat.

6. Lower stomach

The lower stomach is filled with nerve endings that become more and more concentrated towards the genital area, ‘so it’s a great place to show affection and attention,’ says Sabat. ‘You can tease and stimulate this area with a very wide variety of techniques including kissing, gentle biting, and temperature play.’

7. Inner wrist

It mightn’t be the first spot that comes to mind when you think of erogenous zones, but the inner wrist is incredibly sensitive, says Sabat. ‘Feeling your partner’s heart rate increase as you caress this area will turn you on, too,’ she explains. ‘Stroking or kissing this area, especially in public, is a great way to signal that you’re feeling sensual.’

8. Palms and fingertips

Your hands are full of nerve endings – in fact, they’re one of the most sensitive areas of your body. ‘Take your partner’s palm in your hand and gently trace along the edges and lines of their palm with your fingertips,’ Sabat suggests, before kissing or tightly sucking their fingertips.

9. Behind the knee

In a way that’s similar to the inner wrist and arm, caressing and kissing the skin behind the knee can be incredibly erotic thanks to the thin, nerve-packed skin, says Sabat. ‘Gently run your fingers over this area, or engage with it during penetrative sex by touching, stroking or applying pressure,’ she says.

10. Bottoms of feet

Yep, you guessed it – your feet are full of nerve endings, too. ‘Stimulate pressure points through massage, focusing on the arch and pad of the foot as these spots help increase blood flow and promote arousal, before working your way up to kissing and caressing the area with your lips,’ says Sabat.

12. In-between toes

This area is best stimulated through massage, says Sabat, and massage oils can make this experience even better. ‘I recommend a gentle but firm pressure, using your hands to massage each toe individually, focusing on the sides of the toes to engage with the most sensitive points,’ she says.

13. Inside of ankle

It’s unlikely to be an area you’ve thought about before, but the inside of your ankle is an under-stimulated spot that’s sensitive to touch. ‘Focus on stroking either side of the Achilles tendon – more of a caress than a massage, as the area is quite sensitive,’ says Sabat. ‘If your partner likes the sensation, kissing the area can also be highly erotic.’

14. The brain

An underrated sensory spot. Stimulate the brain and the body will follow. ‘Engage with alternative forms of pornography, like audio erotica, that immerse your mind in an experience, or craft your own sexy fantasy,’ says Sabat. ‘Make it a habit to engage with your mind first in intimate moments.’

15. Anus

This less-explored region is packed with nerve endings. ‘Start by playing with the buttocks,’ says Sabat. ‘Stroke the entire area and place your hands on the folds where the legs and buttocks meet, then slide your fingers along the fold, from the inner thigh to the outer area, before caressing the outside of the anus.’

16. Areola and nipples

The nipples are very sensitive because of their thin, highly responsive skin. ‘Many like this region to be stimulated with strokes, licks, kisses and gentle nibbles, but they’re also responsive to sensory play, so don’t be afraid to break out the vibrator, ice cubes, silk, or feathers,’ says Sabat. ‘However, be careful with overly-warm sensory products to avoid discomfort, and note that their sensitivity can change daily.’

17. Mouth and lips

Your lips are packed with more nerve endings than your fingertips, says Sabat, but with much thinner and more sensitive skin. ‘Trace the outline of your partner’s lips with your finger before using your teeth to gently pull on their bottom lip, engaging in an intense kiss,’ she suggests.

18. Neck

A key erogenous zone, your neck is also incredibly sensitive and highly responsive to stimulation. ‘Place your hands on either side of your partner’s neck while kissing them, or stroke the back of their neck lightly with your fingertips to send shivers down their whole body,’ says Sabat. ‘Kissing and licking this area can also be highly pleasurable – start at the base of your partner’s ear and kiss or lick down to their collar bone.’

19. Inner thighs

The skin on your inner thighs is delicate, warm, and full of nerves, says Sabat, so show this spot some attention, especially when leading up to oral sex. ‘Caress, kiss, lick, and even dig your fingers into this area gently to give your partner a range of sensations – being sure to caress the whole area, from inner knee, to upper-inner thigh,’ she says.

20. Groin

Given its close proximity to the genitals, teasing the groin – the area that connects your abdomen to your lower body and legs – can be electrifying. ‘Packed with nerve endings, it’s an exciting spot to kiss and caress when exploring your partner’s body,’ says Sabat. ‘Tease them further by running your fingers over their underwear before slowly moving in to touch their skin.’

Erogenous zones for women

21. Breasts

Massaging, caressing, kissing and licking the breasts indirectly stimulates the nipples, triggering the same area of the brain as the genitals, says Segar. ‘Starting with the breast rather than going straight for the nipple can help build arousal by drawing out the stimulation,’ she says.

22. Pubic mound

Also known as the mons pubis, this area is the fleshy part just above the clitoris. ‘It’s the perfect area to indirectly stimulate the clitoris and encourage blood flow to the genitals,’ says Segar. ‘Try massaging in circular motions and experiment with light and firm pressure.’

23. Clitoris

The clitoris is packed with more than 8,000 nerve endings, and is the only human organ designed entirely for pleasure, says Segar. ‘The most sensitive part of the clitoris is the glans – located at the top of the vulva above the urethral opening, usually covered by the clitoral hood,’ she says. ‘Slow circles tracing around the glans or running your fingers either side is an effective way to gently stimulate the clitoris.’

24. Labia minora

Also known as the inner lips, the labia minora contain numerous nerve endings that can be extremely pleasurable to touch, says Segar. ‘Gently run your index and middle finger along both the inside and outside of the lips,’ she suggests.

25. A-spot

While the exact location will vary slightly from person to person, the A-spot can be found around four to six inches above the entrance to the vagina, on the front wall. If your fingers aren’t long enough to reach this pot, use a toy – especially one with a curved tip – to stimulate it, Segar suggests.

26. G-spot

This erogenous zone is sometimes capable of inducing female ejaculation. ‘You can reach the G-spot by placing one or two fingers inside the vagina about two inches up, using a beckoning or ‘come hither’ motion against the front wall,’ says Segar. ‘The texture often feels a bit rougher than the surrounding area, which is usually a lot smoother.’

27. C-spot

The cervix sits at the deepest point of the vagina, so stimulating this area will often require a toy to reach, says Segar. You can also reach the C-spot during penetrative sex, especially in the woman-on-top position. While not everyone enjoys deep penetration, she adds, this position puts the receiver in charge of the movements.

28. V-spot

Often overlooked, the V-spot refers to the opening of the vagina, which is packed with nerve endings. ‘Using a toy, a finger, or the head of a penis, slowly circle around the vaginal opening,’ she says. ‘You can also experiment with very shallow penetration – only going in an inch or so – to enhance the sensation.’

Erogenous zones for men

29. Glans

The glans – also called the head or tip – is the most sensitive part of the penis. ‘Using lube, run your fingers and thumb from the urethral opening down the head, spreading your hand open as you do, until your palm touches the head,’ says Segar. ‘Bring them slowly back up and repeat. Start with light pressure that you can increase as preferred.’

30. Frenulum

This is the elastic band of tissue on the underside of the glans, and looks similar to the frenulum that connects your tongue to the bottom of your mouth. ‘This tiny area is extremely sensitive to touch,’ says Segar. ‘Running your thumb up and down the frenulum can be extremely pleasurable, though be cautious not to overstimulate.’

31. Foreskin

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the foreskin is packed with nerve endings. ‘As the foreskin retracts when the penis is erect, using a hand to move it up and down the glans can be an extremely enjoyable sensation,’ says Segar. ‘For circumcised people, there are toys that can mimic the feeling of the foreskin as well as adding enhanced sensation.’

32. Scrotum and testicles

This is one of the most sensitive areas of the body, so go carefully. ‘Start with some gentle cupping and light strokes or kiss and lick them,’ says Segar. ‘You can experiment with increasing the pressure and type of stimulation, such as tugging or squeezing, but this is definitely not for everyone.’

33. Perineum

This is the area of skin that stretches from the scrotum to the anal opening. ‘Running your fingers up and down this area, particularly when you are close to orgasm, can increase the intensity of your climax,’ says Segarr. ‘It is also possible to indirectly stimulate the prostate by playing with this area.’

34. P-spot

Located inside the anus, the prostate can be a source of immense pleasure. ‘Using lots of lube, gently trace a finger around the anal opening to relax the muscles,’ says Segar. ‘When you feel ready, slip a finger inside and gently move it approximately two inches upwards and use a ‘come hither’ coaxing motion. If you’re struggling to reach, anal beads or a butt plug can be a really fun addition – just make sure your toy has a flared base.’

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30 Ideas To Spice Up Sexual Foreplay —

From Erotic To Romantic

By Kesiena Boom, M.S.

Foreplay is traditionally defined as the physically and emotionally intimate acts that two people engage in to turn themselves on before having sexual intercourse. But these days, the concept of foreplay can seem a little antiquated and heteronormative as society moves toward a more expansive view of sex and sexuality.

How to think about foreplay.

Sex is much more than just penis-in-vagina intercourse. Assuming that every other sexual or intimate activity is “just” a buildup to the “main event” of P-in-V intercourse centers the pleasure of people with penises (since for people with vaginas, intercourse probably won’t make you come) and also ignores the types of sexual encounters trans and queer people have.

A healthy way to think of foreplay is to disregard the fore and concentrate on playfulness. Think of it as anything that you and your partner(s) engage in to turn each other on and set the mood, no matter what happens before or afterward. “Foreplay is about creating a mood that is conducive to being physical and wanting sex,” says sex therapist Madeline Cooper, LCSW, CST. “Making sure that your relationship is incorporating sexually arousing moments outside of the moments right before sex is just as important as the sex itself.”

Instead of “foreplay,” sex therapist Sari Cooper, LCSW-R, CST, uses the term “outercourse” to describe all the sex acts that might fall into this category.

Below are some foreplay ideas to try with your partners, organized by the five senses, plus a few bonus tips at the bottom for long-term couples.

“Pleasure is experienced through the body, and more specifically through the body’s sensations. Therefore, when looking for inspiration for foreplay, the most direct place to find it is through the senses,” therapist Bri Shewan, LMFT, tells mbg.

Look directly at each other for an extended period of time. Alternatively, try and flirtily catch each other’s eyes across the room as you both work on different things. Try and capture the “first crush” feelings of not being able to keep your eyes away from each other.

If you want to take eye contact to the next level, relationship and sexuality coach Renee Adolphe recommends incorporating tantric eye gazing.

“Begin looking into each other’s eyes. Stare into the nondominant eye, which is the left eye if you are right-handed. Stare for at least 5 minutes or however long you wish,” Adolphe instructs. “This will build a connection and help both of you open up and want to go deeper into lovemaking.”

On the flip side, disengage your sight abilities by using a blindfold to heighten other sensations. Let your partner cover your eyes and then whisper what they’re going to do to you in your ear.

“Stripteases can help spice up the sexual charge,” says Dow. “You could give your partner a striptease, request one from them, or invite them to a strip club to indulge in receiving a striptease together.”

5. Do something else while naked.

Walk around completely naked together, especially if you’re used to being covered up. Sit and watch a movie together buck naked and see how it feels to have your skin against their skin. Take time to really look at your partner, to appreciate every inch of them.

Dim the lights and light candles. Bonus points if they have a smell you find sexy.

Lie facing each other and put on a show. Not only is this hot in and of itself, but “it can also give you an opportunity to show your partner(s) ways you especially enjoy being touched too so you can maximize pleasure together in the future,” says Anna Dow, LMFT.

8. Be the stars of the show.

Make your own sexy video and watch it together.

“Kissing is vital in establishing pleasure and connection during foreplay. But expand your kissing to beyond the lips,” Adolphe recommends. “Kiss your partner’s neck, ears, forehead, breasts, chest, all over their back (backs are highly erogenous as well), the buttocks, thighs and inner thighs, back of knees, toes, etc. Enjoy kisses of different pressures. Lock eyes and use your eyes to speak and say what you want to do to them while you are kissing. They will feel that intensity.”

10. Break out some ice cubes.

Let your partner run ice cubes over your nipples or inner thighs. Put a small cube in your mouth and make out, enjoying the sensation of the hot and the cold mingling together.

Spank each other, starting gently and increasing in intensity if desired. Aim for fleshy areas such as the ass and the thighs so as to not cause any serious damage. Get creative and use household items such as a spatula or a rolled-up newspaper if you get tired of using your hands. Enjoy the sensation of your blood rushing to the surface of your skin.

Many people, even those without a specific latex fetish, find it extremely erotic to wear this restrictive and revealing material. Put an outfit on and then do something mundane like cook or clean whilst your partner watches you.

13. Apply makeup to each other or give each other a facial (not that kind!).

These activities require you to be up close and personal with each other without being overtly sexual. Concentrate on the sensation of your lover brushing powder over your cheeks or massaging lotion into your forehead. Let yourself relax into their touch.

Use nipple clamps to increase sensation. You can apply them yourself or ask your partner to. Make out whilst your partner gently pulls on the clamps.

It’s a classic, but it’s a good one. Take turns rubbing each other’s bodies, asking your partner where they especially want to be touched. Use a good quality massage oil so as to make everything glide along more smoothly. To up the ante, try a tantric massage such as a lingam massage, yoni massage, or nipple massage.

Run a bath filled with lavender oil or any essential oil you find erotic and invite your lover in to join you. “Just make sure to check about scent sensitivities and that the smells introduced have positive associations for the people involved, since scent is so strongly connected to memory,” reminds Shewan.

They’re not just for spring! Fill your bedroom with sweet-scented and brightly colored flowers and imagine you’re out in nature where anyone could come across you…

Do some light physical activity together such as yoga. The sweaty scent of a partner can really get you in the mood! Not to mention that seeing each other in tight workout clothes can be very invigorating.

19. Read erotica to each other.

Either read erotica to each other from a book or website or write your own and then exchange them, so you can get a clue about the other person’s fantasies. This can be great if you’re too shy to tell them face to face.

Create a shared playlist on Spotify which you both add sexy songs to throughout the day. These can be songs that are sexy in and of themselves or just songs that remind you of your relationship, depending on whether you want to set a more erotic or romantic mood.

21. Voice record yourself.

Slip off to the bathroom in the middle of the workday and touch yourself while recording a voice note of your breathing and/or a narrative of what you’re doing and send it to your partner.

22. Voice record yourselves together.

The thought of making visual porn may seem too intimidating, so how about auditory porn? You can audio record your and your partner(s) having sex and then listen back to it together to get in the mood.

23. Challenge yourself to be silent.

See how long you can go touching your partner without either of you making a sound. This works especially well if you’re in a place where you really don’t want to get caught. The element of danger can add to the eroticism.

Make one of your favorite dishes together, standing close to each other as you work. Squeeze closely past each other and brush against each other unnecessarily. Try and go through the whole cooking process without making out to heighten the feeling of longing.

Eat foods off of each other such as berries, whipped cream, or chocolate syrup. Make sure to keep foodstuffs away from your actual genitals so as to not upset your pH balance.

Cover your fingers or toes in flavored lube and then suck and lick it off each other.

27. Create a sense of occasion.

“Inviting a partner through a sext or handwritten invitation to meet the other in a room or place other than the bedroom can be an adventurous exciting change of pace,” says Sari Cooper.

28. Switch up your location.

“Novelty on where outercourse takes place in addition to nuanced novel activities can increase one’s erotic desire and physical arousal,” Sari Cooper says. “For example, inviting a partner to a nest created out of comfy blankets and pillows on a rug in a den, surrounded by a basket of sex toys, great music, and requesting a dress code.”

“Put on some sexy music and dance. Couples can really become aroused with couple dancing such as salsa, tango, or reggae, depending on the person,” Adolphe says.

30. Take penis-in-vagina intercourse off the table.

Especially if you’re a cis man and cis woman, it’s easy to fall into the trap of making everything revolve around eventually getting to penis-in-vagina intercourse. But therein lies the problem.

“When my clients talk about difficulty with arousal, I ask about their sexual script, and most of my heterosexual couples turn right to PiV intercourse after some kissing,” Madeline Cooper says. “I will ask them if they went to a restaurant and there was only one dish on the menu, if they would get bored after a while. Most say admittedly yes, and I will ask them why they do the same thing during sexual experiences.”

To offset this, Cooper recommends creating a long and diverse sexual menu featuring all sorts of sex acts other than intercourse. “Create a menu where you can do other things other than PiV, and where intercourse is not always the expectation.”

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