Category Archives: Being A Better Lover

9 Sex Resolutions Every Woman Should Make for the New Year

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By Danielle Friedman

For those of us who make New Year’s resolutions, we too often focus on doing less—eating less sugar, drinking less booze, spending less time in pajamas binge-watching The Crown. And while those goals may be worthy (though, really, The Crown is pretty great), this year, we’d also like to encourage women to do more—when it comes to pleasure.

As research consistently shows, the “orgasm gap” between men and women is real. A study published this year in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior found that, while 95 percent of heterosexual men said they usually-to-always orgasm when sexually intimate, only 65 percent of heterosexual women said the same. Meanwhile, along with simply feeling good, orgasms bring an impressive list of health benefits, from decreased stress to better sleep. “There’s freedom in pleasure,” Kait Scalisi, MPH, a sex educator and counselor and instructor at the Institute for Sexual Enlightenment in New York City, tells Health.

Convinced yet? We culled sexual health research and called on Scalisi’s expertise to bring you nine tips for getting the pleasure you deserve in 2018.

Carve out time for solo pleasure

If masturbation feels self-indulgent, that’s because it is—in the best way possible. Still, in a recent national survey out of Indiana University, one in five women said they had never masturbated in their lifetime—and only 40.8% said they had masturbated in the past month. In the year ahead, consider devoting more time exclusively to solo sexual satisfaction.

“The more you learn about your body and what feels good—and what doesn’t feel good—the more you can bring that into partner sex,” says Scalisi. And if you aren’t having sex with a partner, well, “the more you are able to bring yourself oodles of pleasure.”

Try a vibrator

Thanks to lingering stigmas around sex and pleasure, many women still feel too shy to purchase a vibrator. But research shows this is changing: In the same Indiana University survey, about half of women said they had used a sex toy. And that’s a good thing!

“Vibrators give us one more way to explore what feels good and what doesn’t,” says Scalisi. And the more methods we experiment with, “the more flexible we’ll be in terms of our ability to experience pleasure.” If you haven’t given one a whirl, why not start now?

Focus on foreplay

For the majority of women, research has shown that intercourse alone isn’t enough to orgasm—but a little bit of foreplay can go a long way. “One of the most common things I hear from clients is that [sex moves] too fast, from kiss kiss to grab grab,” says Scalisi. “Most women need time to transition from their day to sexy time. And that’s really what foreplay allows.”

Foreplay can start hours before the act. “When you say good-bye in the morning, have a longer, lingering hug,” she says. Send flirty texts during the day, or read or listen to erotic novels on your commute. As for in-the-moment foreplay, make time for kissing, touching, and massaging. “That allows the body to really experience a higher level of pleasure, and then satisfaction.”

Resolve to never fake an orgasm

If you’ve faked it during sex, you’re not alone. But chances are, if you’re feigning an orgasm, whether to avoid hurting a partner’s feelings or to hurry sex along, you’re missing out on having a real one. And if you want to be having a real one, that’s a situation worth remedying. “If [your partner isn’t] stimulating you in the way you enjoy, have that conversation,” says Scalisi. Maybe not in the heat of the moment, but at a later time when you’re feeling connected.

Don’t apologize for body parts you don’t like

When we’re self-conscious about our bodies during sex, we’re distracted from the act itself—and when we’re distracted, research shows, the quality of sex can suffer.

“So much of what impacts sex has nothing to do with the mechanics of sex,” says Scalisi. A very worthy goal for sex in 2018 is to “learn to be with your body as it is. You don’t necessarily have to be totally in love with it, but just be with it as it is. That allows you to be present, and to process sensation in a more pleasurable way.”

Try a new move or position

Changing up your sexual routine can feel daunting if you’re not especially sexually adventurous, but a tiny bit of risk can bring big rewards. Just the act of trying something new together can help you feel more connected to your partner, “no matter how it turns out!,” says Scalisi. “It can be a tweak to a position that you already know and love or an entirely new position. It can be as big or as small, as adventurous or as mundane, as you and your partner are comfortable with.”

Discover a new erogenous zone

Women’s bodies are filled with erogenous zones—some of which you may only stumble upon if you go looking! (Did you know the forearm ranks among women’s most sensitive parts?) “Have a sexy date night in,” says Scalisi. “Strip down and take the time to explore your partner’s body from head to toe. … The goal here is not orgasm. The goal is to answer the question: What else feels good? What else turns me on?”

Watch woman-directed porn

When women call the shots in porn—literally and figuratively—the final product tends to be “a bit more realistic and a bit more body- and sex-positive” than male-directed porn, says Scalisi, “and that means you can see a bit more of yourself of it.” Not only is women-directed porn excellent for stoking desire and arousal, but it can also inspire new ideas for your IRL sex life.

Speak up if you’d like your partner to touch you differently

It doesn’t have to be awkward! And even if it is, it’s worth it in the long run. “If you’re in the moment, rather than focus on the negative stuff, focus on what would feel good,” says Scalisi. “So rather than say, ‘I don’t like that you’re doing this,’ say ‘It would feel so good if you stroked me softly.’” Then, later, consider having a conversation about your likes and dislikes.

Complete Article HERE!

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The 3 Sentences That Have The Power To Take Your Sex Life To The Next Level

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So simple, yet SO hot

 

A happy African American man and woman couple in their thirties sitting at home together cuddling & laughing.

by Jamie Hergenrader

If only a boom box and the sweet, sweet vocals of Peter Gabriel could fix all that ails your coupledom. But it takes far more direct communication. So we asked top therapists (and a few of our bros at Men’s Health) for specific scripts and phrases to help you talk your way into fewer fights, hotter sex, and tighter bonds.

Here’s exactly what to say if you want to take things to the next level in the bedroom:

“I HAD A REALLY SEXY DREAM ABOUT YOU LAST NIGHT.”

Bringing up something new you want to try—or want more of—in bed can be awkward. So blame it on your subconscious, says sex therapist Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of She Comes First. With this opener, he’s the star of your fantasy. “I like when a woman shows she’s been thinking about sex with me apart from when she’s actually having sex with me,” says Men’s Health senior editor Paul Kita. Include specifics (e.g., what you were wearing, who initiated) to really paint him an erotic picture and turn that dream into a reality.

“OH MY GOD, I LOVE IT WHEN YOU DO THAT.”

You don’t want to be in your head in the middle of sex, thinking of what to say, so stick to compliments about moves of his that you’re into. “Sex is the most raw, unfiltered expression of a relationship, so just say what you’re actually feeling,” says Dean Stattmann, special projects editor at Men’s Health. If words are too distracting in the moment, nix them and let out some moans of pleasure instead, says Megan Fleming, Ph.D., a New York City sex and relationship expert.

“I’M NOT WEARING ANY UNDERWEAR. CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU LATER!”

Send him this text when he’s still at work—it’s so out of context that it can have an even stronger effect than if you were together. It’s a teaser for what he has to look forward to—sort of extended foreplay. “When a woman takes the lead, it’s a huge turn-on,” says Stattmann. “Especially when it comes to stating her desires.”

Complete Article HERE!

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Here’s How Long ‘Sexual Afterglow’ Actually Lasts, According to Science

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Turns out great sex makes you feel good for longer than you think.

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We already know sex is really good for you, and can basically double as medicine. I mean, it increases your immunoglobulin A levels and makes your immune system stronger, protects against certain cancers, helps you sleep betterand it relieves stress and keeps your mental health in check.

That said, it’s no surprise that an activity as healthy and fun as sex leaves you feeling happy and serene, in something commonly known as the sexual “afterglow.”

According to research published in the scientific journal Psychological Science, it turns out that splendid post-coital “glow” is actually all emotional, and comes from the happiness you feel courtesy of the “love hormone” oxytocin.

This actually makes a lot of sense, considering most would argue that a solid romp in the sheets leaves you a sweaty, drained, sleepy mess, even though you feel pretty damn amazing on the inside.

For their research, scientists analyzed the results of two separate studies that each surveyed 100 newlywed couples, where the couples filled out sex diaries for two weeks and recorded how many times they had sex, and how they felt about their relationships in the days following sex.

Not surprisingly, the couples reported increased sexual satisfaction on the days they fooled around, but more importantly, it was discovered that they had higher feelings of intimacy and happiness, a.k.a. the “afterglow,” that lasted for two whole days after a roll in the hay.

Nah, she just got laid.

Furthermore, the researchers discovered that during the afterglow phase, a man’s sperm quality actually decreases, but begins to recover after the third day.

It’s believed that this 48-hour afterglow and the two day decrease in sperm quality work together as an evolutionary remnant intended to keep the happy couple together for at least two days after a good lay, since sperm can only survive for a maximum of two days in the female reproductive tract. And when you can’t bust a high-quality nut for two days, it gives the previously deployed sperm a better chance of reaching the egg.

Did you get all that?

What’s more is that the researchers had the couples reevaluate their relationships four to six months later, and found that those who felt the strongest afterglows were more satisfied with their relationship months later, meaning the better the sex is, the better the relationship. But that’s not too surprising, is it?

“Our research shows that sexual satisfaction remains elevated 48 hours after sex,” says lead author, Dr. Andrea Meltzer. “The afterglow appears to last approximately the same length of time that it takes for peak sperm concentration to be restored.

“And people with a stronger sexual afterglow — that is, people who report a higher level of sexual satisfaction 48 hours after sex — report higher levels of relationship satisfaction several months later.”

To conclude, let’s sum up the entire study into one simple sentence: You feel sexually satisfied for two whole days after sex, and it’s only because you subconsciously want to knock up your lady with your high-quality sperm. The end.

Complete Article HERE!

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The Reason Most Couples Stop Enjoying Sex

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(And How To Heighten Your Capacity For Pleasure)

Everywhere I go, I hear stories about the challenges professional women are having sexually with their partners. It happens to women between 20 and 70, with kids and without. It’s described in one of a few ways:

  • “I used to like sex, but then we had kids, our careers picked up, and something changed.”
  • “When we do have sex, half the time I’m thinking about my to-do list. I feel relieved when it’s over, because then I can do what I really want to do—like finish my book.”
  • “We feel more like roommates or business partners than lovers.”
  • “I’m worried my libido is broken and there’s something wrong with me.”

The high stakes of intimacy in long-term relationships mixed with the inaccurate beliefs about female sexuality we face from all sides make for a volatile combination. But I’ve seen these issues get resolved. It’s absolutely possible. No matter where it’s coming from, sexual dissatisfaction can be remedied when both people commit to learning a new way to relate intimately. These are the keys to creating mutually fulfilling intimacy that lasts a lifetime.

I see that these patterns can change when couples commit to learning a new way of relating sexually that women enjoy. Here are the keys to successfully moving toward intimacy that’s mutually fulfilling:

1. Normalize your experience.

When intimacy is the issue, it can be very difficult to discuss openly. Often, we feel alone and don’t realize that sexual struggles in long-term relationships are not just normal, but they happen to the majority of couples at one time or another. Having discussed these issues with countless female clients who believe that they are to blame for their unhappiness, I realized that we just tend to place blame on ourselves. The truth is that there’s nothing wrong with you. Your libido is not broken. You’re not alone and this IS fixable.

2. Clearly articulate your need for change.

One of the biggest mistakes I see otherwise straightforward women make is downplaying their sexual distress to their partner. Many of us believe our male partners don’t care about our sexual fulfillment, or that enjoying sex isn’t worth the tension it would place on your relationship to bring up what isn’t working. Don’t let this stop you from getting what you need.

I have almost as many male clients as female ones, and they all want the same thing when it comes to sex: a partner who is turned on, happy, and enjoying themselves. Regardless of gender or relationship style, if sex only works for one partner in the relationship, then the sex isn’t working.

Have you clearly articulated to your partner that you aren’t sexually satisfied and that you need something to change? If not, your chances of fulfillment are slim. Blaming yourself doesn’t make anything better; taking responsibility for dealing with it as a team does. Get in the habit of talking with your partner regularly about what’s working for you and what isn’t.

3. Stop following a script.

We seem to all have been given the same misinformation about how sex should go: It starts with kissing and ends with intercourse. We’ve also been taught that happy couples have sex once per [day, week, month, insert stereotype here]. We’ve learned that sex is over when the man reaches orgasm. But I’m here to tell you that every single one of these statements is not only false but harmful.

The truth is that when couples drop expectations about sex and adopt a new approach—one that makes both parties’ genuine fulfillment a prerequisite rather than a bonus—women’s genuine fulfillment (which includes much more than having orgasms)—it supports deeper intimacy and can make a woman’s libido more active than it ever was before. Learn more about how to enter a new, infinitely satisfying paradigm here.

4. Recognize that orgasms are not sex’s raison d’être.

Orgasms are wonderful, but in truth, our fixation on them keeps our sex lives from becoming extraordinary. Let’s get real: If orgasms were all it took for radical fulfillment, far more of us would feel fulfilled. We wouldn’t even need relationships to make that happen. But we know it’s not the same. Self-pleasure is healthy, and may temporarily alleviate feelings of exhaustion or anxiety, but it doesn’t provide us with the connection or intimacy that partnered sex can.

5. Seriously, get rid of the script—before you even start the first act.

You’ll see a night-and-day difference in your sexual encounters if you let go of expectations before either of you starts getting hot and bothered. Nothing hinders women’s enjoyment of sex more than feeling pressured in bed. It’s almost impossible for us to enjoy ourselves if we’re worried about expectations about how or how much we are. Instead of feeling the pleasure, we get stuck wondering whether we’re doing it right or whether our partner is satisfied. Tossing expectation out the window is the most reliable way to start having fantastic sex immediately.

6. Touch each other for the sake of touching—with no apprehension or expectation about where it might lead.

Physical contact is essential for sexual fulfillment. But when sex isn’t working, we often avoid touching each other. I encourage couples to touch each other frequently and in a wide variety of ways—foot massages, hand-holding, and everything in between. But, by the same token, I encourage couples to stop tolerating touch they don’t like or want.

Tolerating touch leads to sexual shutdown—the person being touched isn’t enjoying themselves but won’t say it; the person doing the touching knows something is wrong but isn’t being told how to fix it. It creates distance rather than fostering intimacy. The solution is to have physical contact with zero expectations. When pressure and expectations are lifted, touch becomes an exploration of sensation and connection rather than a race to orgasm or “those same three moves.”

7. Don’t look at sex as a means to achieve any goal other than giving and receiving pleasure for pleasure’s sake.

Goals are great for business plans and exercise regimens, but they have the opposite effect on sex. Few of us have ever touched our partner without trying to achieve a goal. We use our touch to prove we’re a good lover, to make peace in the relationship, or to bring our partner to climax. How would we touch each other if we weren’t trying to achieve anything except to connect and explore each other’s bodies? Given an open-ended approach to sex that is full of touch and free of pressure, both desire for and enjoyment of sex will grow exponentially.

8. Learn what you like, and allow yourself to receive it.

Desire is vital to fulfillment. When we lose touch with that inner spark, our sex lives fall flat. Ask yourself the question, “What do I want?” 10 times a day. Seriously. And get very good at answering it. Desire is the first step. Only then can we receive it. It may sound simple, but I see women struggle sexually for years because they don’t know how to receive the help, love, and touch their partner wants to give. It takes as much work to receive as to give—sometimes more.

Practice receiving by focusing on the enjoyment of what you’re experiencing. Sink into the warm embrace of a hug. Delight in the smell of your favorite baked good. Relax as your partner touches you. Think less; feel more.

9. Practice, practice, practice.

Yes, even great sex requires practice. Create habits that can be easily incorporated into your daily routine. I encourage all couples I work with to develop a habit of sexual research—open-ended sessions where couples explore new ways to connect without pressure. Like any new habit, allowing yourself to feel more pleasure and connection takes practice.

10. If it seems helpful, get professional coaching.

If you don’t feel like you can do it alone, don’t. There’s nothing to be ashamed of except not using every tool at your disposal to create the relationship you want. Get the support of a coach whose philosophy inspires you.

11. Be patient with yourself and with your partner.

Sexual connection is deeply personal and one of the most vulnerable elements of our identities. Don’t be discouraged if you, your partner, or your sex life doesn’t change as quickly as you’d hoped. People transform in different ways, through different means, over different periods of time. In seeking long-lasting change, favor paradigm shifts over quick fixes. Stick with it and be patient with each other.

Complete Article HERE!

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More than a third of Americans in relationships are sexually unsatisfied

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By SWNS

Over a third of Americans in a relationship are not satisfied with their sex life, according to a new study.

The study of 1,000 American relationships saw 34 percent of people unable to rate their sex life as either “satisfying” or “very satisfying.”

One in six (16 percent) say their current spouse or partner rarely or never satisfy them sexually.

Women were twice as likely as men to describe their sex life as “boring” (12 percent vs. 5 percent), while interestingly, men were far more likely to describe their sex life as “erotic” than women (33 percent vs. 18 percent).

According to a new survey, the biggest barriers to a better sex life were a lack of foreplay, sex being over too quickly, and simple lack of communication.

Not having enough orgasms, only trying one or few sex positions, and a lack of oral play also made the top 10 most common reasons for sexual dissatisfaction, while for others, lack of cuddling was an issue.

Not having enough orgasms, only trying one or few sex positions, and a lack of oral play also made the top 10 most common reasons for sexual dissatisfaction, while for others, lack of cuddling was an issue.

The survey also found that action between the sheets typically lasts for 19 minutes, but results show that “ideally” it should last at least 23 minutes for men and women to be satisfied — 22 percent longer than the current average time.

And while Americans have sex an average of 2.5 times a week, men would ideally like to have sex five times a week and women four times a week.

But both genders seem to agree that the best way for their partner to get them in a romantic mood when they’re not in the mood to begin with is as simple as a kiss.

Aside from kissing women differ in opinions with men saying the next best way is through lingerie or sexy attire followed by hugging, and women saying their second choice is hugging followed by going on a romantic dinner or date.

Researchers said: “Our goal is to help people rediscover sex and empower lovers to achieve sexual harmony. In recent years, sex toys have become an increasingly popular solution for couples looking to spice up their sex lives. We see more and more people experimenting with toys, role playing, gender-bending, and BDSM. People are definitely opening up to new bedroom ideas to enhance sexual intimacy. “

If you’ve ever been too afraid to ask your partner how many people they’ve slept with, you might not have to. The survey found that on average, men sleep with 16 partners, while women sleep with an average of 10.

While 19 percent of Americans say they would be too shy to ask their partner to include the use of sex toys, two thirds think sex toys are acceptable.

Those who do use sex toys believe the main purpose is to supplement the penis, and 46 percent of respondents are more concerned about their functions than aesthetics or stylization.

That said, only 34 percent would be happy giving a sex toy as a gift, and 43 percent would be happy to receive one, even though 49 percent say it would make their sex lives more pleasurable.

Respondents also found that other ways to make your sex life satisfying is through foreplay, communication, different sex positions, oral play, cuddling, frequent orgasms, and a confident partner.

When it comes to honesty, 83 percent of respondents say they’re honest with their partner about how satisfied they are with their sex life, but 35 percent also claim to have been so unsatisfied that they’ve come up with excuses to not have sex.

The top excuses are tiredness, not feeling well or pain, headaches, having to get up early the next day, or having your period or cramps. On the extreme, three in eight respondents say they’ve even gone so far as pretending to be asleep to avoid sex.

Another issue that hinders sexual pleasure is personal insecurity: 65 percent of respondents related concerns about their performance in bed, worries or doubts about body image, and wondering whether or not they were “doing something right.”

Distractedness during sex isn’t as uncommon as you might think: 31 percent of people admit they’ve thought about someone other than their partner during sex; 30 percent wonder if other people can hear, and 20 percent worry if their partner is actually enjoying it.

Researchers added, “Even with all the new and exciting toys and props available to help people improve their sex lives, communication between partners and lack of intimacy remain the biggest challenges to maintaining healthy relationships over time.“

Top 10 fantasies

  1. Receiving oral sex
  2. Having sex outside
  3. Role play
  4. Being dominated
  5. Being tied up
  6. Having sex with a celebrity
  7. Anal sex
  8. Threesome
  9. Watching each other masturbate
  10. Ménage à trois (threesome)

Top 10 things people would like to change/incorporate into their sex life

  1. More sex positions
  2. Sex toys
  3. Longer intercourse
  4. Foreplay
  5. Change of venues/rooms
  6. Dirty talk
  7. Pornography
  8. Costumes
  9. Other people
  10. Shorter intercourse

Top 10 things that lead to bad sex

  1. Lack of foreplay
  2. It’s over too quickly
  3. No communication
  4. Rarely or never orgasm
  5. One or few sex positions
  6. No oral play
  7. No cuddling
  8. No talking/moaning
  9. Partner is not open to change
  10. Partner lacks confidence

Complete Article HERE!

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