Category: Asking For Sex

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a pretty good looking guy, but a total wanker

Name: Anonymous
Gender: male
Age: 22
Location: Phoenix
Dear Dr. Dick, Im a pretty good looking guy, with a pretty average penis size, with a pretty average ego and confidence level. I am unable to make a first move. Whenever the situation rises, I become nervous as a little girl and the only thing I can think of is the awkwardness of rejection. Its really starting to throw me off balance when I cant get the physical attention I need, you know? It’s starting to make me think I’m gay also, which is totally fucking with my head. Help me out doc, what’s going on?

head up your ass

Well, anonymous, the fact that you couldn’t even bring yourself to put your own first name on this anonymous submission form, or even think up a plausible substitute marks you as a world-class wimp. And hey, here’s a tip, stop comparing your total lack of cojones to being a girl or being gay. You are neither — a girl don’t need no balls and gay men have ‘em. You, on the other hand, need to grow yourself a pair, pal!

So you’re 22, a pretty good-looking guy (or so you report) with an average sized dick (although I don’t see what that has to do with anything.), and yet you still are stumped on how to connect with a chick. Holy cow, did you miss junior high? Is there anything about you that women might find interesting? Are you intelligent, witty, fun to be with, a good conversationalist, sensitive, kind, a good cook, romantic…are you rich? Listen chum, you’re gonna need more to recommend you than bein’ pretty good lookin’ and a modest peanut.

“I can’t get the physical attention I need…” I’m gonna go way out on a limb here and guess you mean you can’t get laid, right? Maybe you need to work on your presentation. Because what self-respecting woman is gonna want to put out for someone as desperate as you. Start by getting off the pity-pot and learn to handle rejection. Don’t take it personal, rejection is just part of being a grownup. Also, jettison the notion that women are put here simply to satisfy men’s physical needs, that’s so freakin’ Neanderthal.

Put your pride aside and start connecting women as friends, not as potential sex partners. For most women, sex flows from intimacy. If you take the time to get to know a woman first, without that lean and hungry sex-starved look that I just know you have about you, you’ll find that, unless you are a totally dorky klutz, even you will get laid sooner or later.

Good luck

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The Role and Value of the Friend with Benefits for Gay Men

By Ken Howard, LCSW

vintage tenderness

Recently, some clients in my psychotherapy practice, which for 22 years has focused on the mental health and well-being of adult gay men, have been discussing the role and value of a “fuck buddy” in their lives.  While all sexual topics (even in our “modern” age) seem to come fraught with controversy these days (and we’ll see what y’all have to say about this one), the topic of the “fuck buddy” (sometimes, but not always, used interchangeably with “friend with benefits”), is especially controversial, with one camp saying it’s a great idea and others being appalled at the concept.

Always one to listen and learn from the thoughts, philosophies, and feelings of my clients, I heard some interesting things from one particular client recently, who gave me permission to share his arguments publicly (though the details are changed for confidentiality reasons).

“Cody” is a Southern Boy in his early 30’s who has been in a relationship for 6 years and lives in North Carolina (we work via Skype, and it’s really a life-coaching relationship, since I’m only licensed in California to practice psychotherapy).  His partner, “Matt”, also early 30’s, got accepted and now attends a very prestigious law school program in New England, the chance of a lifetime.  Cody co-runs a small business which is rapidly growing into a larger one, and moving with Matt to his new city would have been a very difficult proposition; he did not want to leave a very good job, especially not temporarily when Matt could end up in a law firm anywhere in the country.  Cody and Matt plan to get married immediately after Matt’s law school graduation, and they’ve already planned much of what they want in their wedding.

Cody can afford to visit Matt at regular intervals throughout the year, and they communicate (even “sexy talk”) via Skype almost nightly.  But their relationship still feels the sting of “long distance”, leaving both guys frequently horny and lonely.

To solve this, they agreed to have an open relationship, and some of the terms and ground rules of handling that were worked out in joint sessions with me on Skype (as I always recommend gay couples do; it’s too complex and full of pitfalls to handle it all without support).  I’ve coached both Matt and Cody separately as well, as each has had a need for support for very specific occupational and personal goals.  One of what I call the “external resources” that this situation needed, as both guys agreed, is that each wanted a “fuck buddy” who would stand in for their partner at certain times (mostly sexual, but for some social companionship locally, too).  Matt is still looking for his, but he’s meeting new guys at school and in his college city, especially via Grindr, Scruff, and Meetup.com groups.  The first guy he met didn’t work out well for Cody, but he found a second one that he likes.

Cody is a smart guy and spoke clearly about how his fuck buddy, “Chris”, has been ideal.  They get along and have fun, including sex, but Chris has recently gotten out of a 3-year relationship and is not looking for anything serious – the perfect candidate for Cody.vintage311.jpg

What Cody related about Chris includes some in the following list, and others I’ve added based on other conversations with clients and personal friends.  Here are some of the special advantages about the role and value of a fuck buddy:

  1.  It is not an avoidance of relationships – Contrary to some critics, having a fuck buddy is not the indulgence of some intimacy-avoidant, emotionally-stunted, horn-dog selfish clod.  It is a different type of sexual and emotional relationship, perhaps based more on fondness than on love, or perhaps a “love” that is more fraternal.
  2.  It can be the combination of sexuality and camaraderie without the components of long-term romance and domesticity – For some people, such as those with long-distance partners, having a fuck buddy means having some in-person companionship for local outings and recreation, and even sexual expression, but without the commitment and domestic component of a partner/spouse relationship.  It’s “relationship lite”.
  3.  Can be a coping strategy for long-distance relationships – Long-distance relationships can be a result of work projects (even overseas), which I see in my practice in Los Angeles for people away on TV or film set locations, or the result of school/training programs, health care treatment, caring for a distant relative’s health or settling their estate, or military deployment.  Open negotiation of the ground rules during the absence is better than unilaterally violating a monogamy agreement without discussion, or abstaining and resenting the physical/emotional harm that can come with deprivation.
  4.  Can be a bridge between class or cultural issues that really might get in the way of a primary relationship – For some fuck buddies, there can be issues of class or culture that might make having a long-term relationship untenable or very difficult (think Sybil and Tom on “Downton Abbey”).
  5.  Is a collaborative way to get needs met that have inherent limitations; is an exchange of favors – So many human interactions involve a negotiated exchange of favors based on mutual needs, and each fuck buddy relationship has unique parameters that make it work.
  6.  Is not for everyone, but it CAN BE for some people; it’s ok to embrace it as much as it is to reject it soundly – Sexual self-empowerment means saying yes when you want to say yes, and no when you want to say no.  If you want to say yes to a fuck buddy relationship with another consenting adult, as an autonomous adult with control and dominion over your own body, you get to make that choice (although if you have a primary partner, this must be a very frank discussion in order to avoid a ton of hurt, resentment, misunderstanding, abandonment, and even rage). love music
  7.  Supports a global benevolent idea of brotherhood – As a child of the 60’s, I grew up with “make love, not war”.  The Dalai Lama recently said something about if every child grew up meditating for 20 minutes a day, war could be eliminated in a generation.  With so many – countless – examples of how men kill each other in gang violence, war, violent crime, and so on, in such adversarial relationships, having a fuck buddy can be an example of benevolence, non-violence, and camaraderie in the Brotherhood of Man.  This is all part of the solution, not the problem.
  8.  It’s practice later on for a “real” commitment, in incremental gain/baby steps – I still maintain that I prepared for my long-term relationship with my husband (who is wonderful, by the way; I never miss a chance to say that) by previously living alone with my cat for a number of years after college first.  After years of living with roommates or alone, having a pet really was dress rehearsal for attending to, caring for, and sharing with a human adult partner (now spouse) in a domestic setting.  Having a fuck buddy might not be a “deep” commitment in romance and domesticity, but it can be a way of exploring relating to another person that is somewhere between being single and being partnered.  For some people, these incremental steps help build their confidence to tolerate a commitment and equip them for a long-term relationship with mutual responsibility.
  9.  Self-empowering sexually, trying different things without feeling “embarrassed” with a partner; exploring one’s own body and likes/dislikes of sensation – While communicating with a primary partner is essential to a good sex life, having a fuck buddy can be an opportunity to explore your sexual interests and fantasies in a lower-stakes situation.  Some people who are shy about telling their partner their sexual fantasies, especially the kinkier ones, might be more uninhibited with a lower-stakes fuck buddy.  It really “shouldn’t” work that way, but it does, and we have to deal in reality.  By being free to explore in a certain “sexual laboratory” situation, you can identify your likes and dislikes and not have to switch to “who’s-cooking-dinner” mode right after.
  10.  Can bridge differences in sexual orientations – While I don’t really respect closeted men as much as those brave gay men who have the courage to come out regardless of the circumstances (living in the Bible Belt, for example), having a fuck buddy can be a way for a man who is “straight” publicly or bisexual to get the “other half” of his sexual and even social needs met.  This is particularly controversial, but all gay men have some idea about this.  Many men can be ambivalent or conflicted about how they identify sexually.  Some might feel a pressure to conform to heterosexual norms, others might quite selfishly want to ride the coat-tails of heterosexual privilege and have their, uh, “cake”, too (albeit at the risk of exploiting or using the gay buddy, but this is better if it’s an honest discussion of what the deal is).  The fuck buddy relationship can also help a conflicted guy move closer down the spectrum to living as an “out” gay man, but in a gentle and gradual process that feels right for him. Bert&Ernie
  11.  Can help other specific situations – The fuck buddy relationship can be a resource for a gay man in early recovery from crystal meth, who is used to the “party-and-play” (PNP) scene, to practice having sober sex with a no-judgment, experimental, low-stakes, fail-safe atmosphere.  I have worked with many guys in my practice who need this kind of opportunity, because learning to have sober sex again is really a skill in recovery that you (usually) can’t get in a CMA meeting!  The fuck buddy relationship can also help someone with a disability or injury to be sexual again in their own way, even if they don’t have a primary relationship yet.  This can a certain “rehabilitation” that a licensed Physical Therapist certainly can’t provide.  This can be for guys who have been injured in a vehicle, sports, or industrial accident, or as a combat veteran who uses prosthetics.
  12.  Can allow for specific sexual interests (BDSM, fetishes) to be fulfilled  — There are times when everything else in a relationship is great – the emotional, the sexual, and the domestic – but certain sexual interests go unfulfilled.  Having a fuck buddy who provides a certain “outsourced” activity, such as BDSM or other kink play, can be a way for that partner to be fulfilled without burdening his partner to do something he really doesn’t like.  I’ve seen that in my practice several times, and it can be a “win-win” solution to the dilemma; everybody’s happy.
  13.  Can be a way to manage sexual incompatibilities – The fuck buddy relationship can also “outsource” situations where the couple gets along fine in most ways, but perhaps a strict top is partnered to a versatile bottom.  For the versatile bottom to be able to top once in a while might require a fuck buddy who is happy to oblige.  This can also be the case when a partner is fulfilled in every way in the relationship except perhaps wanting to fulfill his “size queen” interests.  Outsourcing this to a well-endowed fuck buddy occasionally can fulfil the desire and then get back to regular domestic/sexual life.  This prevents frustrations from building and can resolve tension or even unspoken resentments in a relationship.
  14.  Last, Cody says that having experiences with outside buddies, rather than undermining his relationship with Matt, actually strengthens it because he “sees what’s out there” and learns to appreciate the relief when he’s finally back to see Matt because “everyone else is just not Matt”.  When they are together again after an absence, it’s all the sweeter to revisit the familiarity and intimacy they have built for years, and they never take each other for granted.

There are disadvantages, too, of cavorting with fuck buddies which have been discussed elsewhere.  Sexual conservatives (which can include plenty of therapists, even gay ones) would deplore the very concept of the fuck buddy as “deviating” too far from socially-expected relationship norms, particularly heterocentric ones.  But like most controversial topics, listening to both sides of a debate can entice you to clarify your feelings on the subject.  You have a right to your own feelings, even if they differ from your peers.  Only you have dominion over your own body and what is, and is not, done with it/to it.  Sexual self-empowerment means taking all these questions about sex and relationships, and deciding what works – and what doesn’t – specifically for you, based on your values and your own rather hard-wired preferences and proclivities.

Complete Article HERE!

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Do You Know When Your Partner is in the Mood for Sex?

By Dr. Amy Muise

Seducing beautiful woman looking at her lover with wine glass. Having romantic talk
Seducing beautiful woman looking at her lover with wine glass. Having romantic talk

Sometimes it’s obvious that our partner is interested in having sex—they might give us that seductive look or special touch. But other times it might be clear that tonight’s not the night—our partner might avoid our advances and simply roll over and go to sleep. But often, amidst our busy lives, work responsibilities, and children to care for, it may be much less clear how interested our partner is in engaging in sex. In a recent set of studies, my colleagues and I looked at how accurate people are at picking up on their partner’s interest in sex and how perceptions of a partner’s sexual desire are associated with relationship satisfaction and commitment.1 

First I want to share what we currently know from previous research about perceptions of sexual interest. All of the the past research on perceptions of sexual interest has focused on initial encounters between men and women—that is, men and women rating the sexual interest of a person they are meeting for the first time. The results are very consistent: men tend to show a sexual overperception bias where they perceive greater sexual interest in a women’s behavior than she herself reports. The majority of this research draws on evolutionary psychology and explains these findings as reflecting the fact that it’s more costly (in terms of men’s chances for mating with a good partner and having kids) for men to miss a potential mating opportunity than to perceive that a woman is interested in sex when she actually is not; thus, men tend to err on the side of overperception.2

We suspected, however, that things might work differently in the context of established relationships. Across three studies of long-term, established couples, we found that men err in the direction of the opposite bias; specifically, they underperceive their romantic partner’s sexual desire. That is, men tend to see their romantic partner as being less interested in sex than their partner reports. In contrast, women generally do not tend to over or underperceive their partner’s desire.

One possible explanation for men’s sexual underperception bias in established relationships is that underperceiving a partner’s sexual desire might help to avoid complacency and keep people motivated to entice their partner’s interest. For example, if a person overperceives how interested their partner is in having sex, they might feel as though they don’t have to do anything to set the mood or attract their partner’s interest. But, if a person sees their partner as having less desire than they actually report, the person might put forth a little extra effort to ignite their sexual interest. Across all three studies, we found evidence that the sexual underperception bias was associated with benefits for relationships (particularly when it was men who were underperceiving their partner’s desire).

Interestingly, when men underperceived their romantic partner’s sexual desire, their partners felt more satisfied and committed to the relationship. There is more work to be done to figure out exactly what men are doing that is associated with their partners feeling more satisfied, but it is possible that when men see their partner as having lower sexual desire than their partner actually reports, men do things to make their partner feel special and entice their interest, and in turn, the partner feels more satisfied with and committed to the relationship.

Another possible explanation is that men demonstrate a sexual underperception bias in order to avoid being rejected for sex. One cost of overperceiving a partner’s sexual desire is that the person might initiate sex at a time when their partner is not interested in sex and risk being rejected. In general, sexual rejection tends to be associated with lower relationship and sexual satisfaction.3 In fact, we found that on days when men (and women) were more motivated to avoid sexual rejection, they showed a stronger sexual underperception bias. That is, when people were more motivated to avoid being rejected by their partner, both men and women underperceived their partner’s desire, compared to when they were less motivated to avoid sexual rejection. Since sexual rejection tends to be associated with negative consequences for relationships, it is possible that one function of the underperception bias is to reduce the frequency of sexual rejection and ultimately help to maintain the relationship.

Finally, one reason we suspected that men would demonstrate a sexual underperception bias in established relationships and women would not is because men tend to have higher sexual desire than women.4 People with higher sexual desire should be more motivated to attract their partner’s sexual interest and to avoid sexual rejection. In fact, we found that our effects did differ based on a person’s general level of sexual desire. People low in sexual desire did not show a significant underperception bias, whereas both men and women higher in desire significantly underperceived their partner’s desire. Because men, in general, report higher sexual desire than women, this could be one reason why men tend to demonstrate a stronger overperception bias compared to women.

In sum, staying attuned to a partner’s sexual needs and desires can be challenging. But it seems that biased perceptions of a partner’s sexual desire may have some function for maintaining relationships. Specifically, the sexual underperception bias may help manage the careful balance between pursuing sexual connection with a partner and avoiding sexual rejection.

Complete Article HERE!

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How Do I Get Laid?

Name: Thomas
Gender: male
Age: 18
Location: Dublin
I just want to know how you start and ask a girl to have sex.

Well, that sure is to the point, Thomas! I suppose the answer to that query will depend on the young woman in question. Do you have a particular girl in mind? Or is this a generic “how to” question?

first-love-quotes-hd-wallpaper-4

I’m of the mind that the direct approach works best, just so long as you’re not gonna be a dick about it. That being said, if the chick is a mate of yours and you fancy her, you’ll need to take a different approach to finessing a fuck than if you want to shag a relative stranger.

So, before I go much further with my advice on how to bag a bird, I think we’d better take a good look at you first.

Is there anything about you that would make you attractive to a young lass? I mean if you’re not overly geeky and have a bit of charm about you, your task is gonna be considerably easier than if you are some uncouth Neanderthal who just wants to dip his wick in some fine pussy.

If you’re not sure what kind of guy you are, ask a woman friend for her honest feedback. If she tells you she’d bump you in a pinch — you may have something going for you. If she tells you that she’d rather let her pussy die a slow lonely death than fuck the likes of you — you definitely have your work cut out for you.

First-Love-1Regardless of what group you fall into — the “possibly fuckable”, or the “not fucking ever;” you can always improve your image among the ladies. Look to how you present yourself; make sure you are groomed, clean and odor-free. Dress to impress. That doesn’t mean fancy or fussy. Just make it look like you gave your cloths a thought before you dressed yourself. Make yourself interesting; have a point of view. But share it sparingly. If you can’t be clever and witty, then keep your mouth shut for the most part. Women love the strong silent type. And they rarely know if the silence is stoic or stupid till it’s way too late.

And if you really want to get laid never approach any woman like she’s a piece of meat. If you think women are put on this earth simply to satisfy a man’s needs, stick to pullin’ your own pud. And here’s another tip: I always suggest that a guy squeeze one off before he goes on a date. This will take the edge off his sexual tension and his blue balls won’t be so friggin obvious to the lass he’s tryin’ to woo. There’s nothing more unattractive to most women than a desperate fuck. Besides, if you don’t jerk off first, you’ll have way too short a fuse and you’ll be finished before she even begins. Get it? Got it? Good!

If you’re not already friends with the chick you lookin’ to bone, take the time to become her friend. This will involve some effort. If you’re not in it for the long haul, then skip it and find yourself a pro who will get you off for a few quid.

If the woman you have in mind is already a friend, and she trusts you because you’ve been nice to her, you’re half way there. She’ll be more inclined to say yes to your direct request.

Keep in mind that women are different from men, especially where sex is concerned. Few women are as casual about sex as are most men. So if she says no don’t take it personally. She may just be shy, or not ready, or not sure. It’s your job to draw her out. Don’t pester and be patient while you do so. And most of all reassure her that you have her best interest at heart.

If she is uncomfortable with you, ask her why. You may learn some very interesting things about yourself that you need to work on. Maybe she just wants you to take your time and finesse her into giving up the bump.

If she has her wits about her, she’ll be concerned about the whole pregnancy thing. This is much more serious concern for a gal then for a guy. If you’re not well versed on several methods of contraception, you’re not ready to have sex. Sexually transmitted infections ought to be a concern for you both. Don’t be a fuck-up; always use a condom.

first-love

If you’ve got a hardon, it’s not the right time to be annoying a chick for sex. Talk about having sex other time when the need is not so urgent. If you pressure her to service your wood, you’re going about this at the wrong time and in the wrong way. If she senses that all you want is to satisfy your loathsome self, she’ll have you pegged as the asshole you are.

Remember that there are lots of different ways to have sex, so she might welcome one type while rejecting another. Maybe she’d be up for a hand job or blowjob, just no full-on fucking. Whatever the case may be, you’d be well advised to get her off a couple of times before you look to your own satisfaction. Whatever you do, respect her boundaries and let her know that you won’t pressure her to do anything she doesn’t want to do.

In the end, there no standard way to ask for sex, but if you treat the woman with respect, honesty, and patience, you can be sure that whatever words you use they’ll be more welcomed than if you’re a jerk.

Good luck

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A budding kinkster’s dilemma

Hey DR

Well, I don’t know where to start, my name is Todd I’m 21 and from Eugene Or. I need to know if feeling the way I do is OK?

Well I’ve had a thing for voyeurism and BDSM for a some time now. I guess it started out by me just liking to push the boundaries of what was the norm, you know like wanting to do it in a movie theater or the park. However, things like that soon stopped giving me the same feeling, so I started to look more into bondage and kink. I liked what I found but at some point I passed what every one else I know thought was OK. Every time I feel like it’s OK to tell a girl what I want they just look at me like WHAT? They all say that they will go along with it, but I can tell that they’re not in to it. I don’t want to make any one feel like that.

I’ve tried to have a normal relationship but no matter how hard I try it just can’t work out, like my ex, she worked so hard to get where I was coming from. Any man would be lucky to find a girl as amazing as her but no matter how much I loved her I felt like I was empty. To her, kink was doing it in the morning; I soon found myself numb and board. Is there something wrong with me? I don’t know where to find someone like me.

I hope you can find time to help me DR.
TODD

From what you tell me there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with you besides being rather sexually precocious. Most people your age are just finding their way through more traditional expressions of sex. You simply have much more advanced predilections. BDSM sex is indeed an acquired taste and it is often acquired and practiced by people more senior than you. So nothing too out of the ordinary there.

that kinky stuffI suspect that you will continue to be frustrated in your search for like-minded partners in your peer group. And being in a relatively small college town doesn’t help matters all that much either. Your only salvation will be the internet. As you probably know, BDSM sites abound on the web. But before you launch your search for prospective partners, you’d probably do well to learn some of the lingo. There are plenty of resource sites out there that can help you identify who you are and what it is you want. Do a search using keywords like Dominant, Master, Domme, Mistress, Submissive, etc.

Most kink sites, like FetLife feature bulletin boards and/or member profiles. Once you get your bearings and have a grip on some of the vocabulary, you could set up your own profile. Be as clear and candid about what it is you want as possible. I encourage you to immerse yourself in this subculture, because the more information you have the more enlightened your future partner choices will be.

When connecting with other pervs online, be courteous. You’ll no doubt encounter an array of lifestyle choices and sexual proclivities, some of which may be off-putting to you. Remember, you are a guest in their world. Leave your uptight judgments and provincial attitudes at the door. You’ll have to earn the trust and respect of this community if you ever hope to be taken seriously by them.

You don’t really say what sort of BDSM you are into. Nor do you identify yourself as either a Dom or a sub. But how you identify yourself and what you say about what you are into will, no doubt, color your search for partners and playmates.

I have another resource for you. It’s a communication and relationship-building workshop in book form and it is written specifically for budding kinksters, just like you. The title: The Gospel of Kink; A Modern Guide To Asking For What You Want And Getting What You Ask For. Gospel of Kink

The Gospel of Kink’s innovative and interactive format presents the reader with numerous situations and dilemmas that arise as people embrace their kinkiness and integrate their eroticism into daily life.

The Gospel of Kink is on the cutting edge of the sex-positive and kink-aware movements. This workbook helps the reader break free from the painful silence the dominant culture imposes on alt culture and those of us on the sexual fringe.

The Gospel of Kink provides an opportunity to learn from people just like you. Its on-the-page workshop features a group of ten fictional characters who are your fellow participants. In addition, it includes a panel of actual seasoned kinky, BDSM, and alt culture practitioners who share their expertise and life experience with you.

The Gospel of Kink engages you with numerous exercises and homework. As a workshop participant, you will complete A Personal Alt Relationship Inventory, discuss the Essentials of Effective Communication, identify Tools and Techniques for Navigating Alt Relationship Conflicts, and learn how to Keep Things Fresh and Interesting.

The Gospel of Kink provides a safe and secure place for you to air your concerns without fear of being judged for how you live your life or with whom you choose to live it. You will learn within a framework of honesty, activity, alliance, support, and humor.

its_only_kinky_the_first_time_post_card-r8cd39596681e48d4b13fd87f07c01435_vgbaq_8byvr_512In the BDSM world, being a Dom or sub is a state of mind. It isn’t necessarily about a particular sex act, it certainly isn’t a game, it’s not merely role-playing; and for the most part, it is not gender specific. The best Dom/sub relationships are those that express a mutuality of care, concern, and trust.

Finally, I caution you against so easily dismissing your partners when they don’t immediately live up to your expectations. This young woman you mention sounds like she might have been able to rise to the occasion with a little support, encouragement and tutelage. You can’t be throwing the baby out with the bathwater, my friend; that’s just not gonna be helpful. In fact, you might consider inviting someone, this woman perhaps, to read The Gospel of Kink along with you. That way you both could learn together. I can assure you your time will be well spent.

Good luck

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Best Adult Products List For 2013

We interrupt our winter holiday to bring you this special edition of Product Review Friday.

 

On this last Friday of the year, it’s time to announce this year’s Best Products List. We have only four categories this year — Best Product or Toy for Men; Best Product or Toy for Women; Best Product or Toy for couples; and Best Lube or Lotion. Unfortunately, this past year we didn’t get to review any kinky toys, so we had to drop the category: Best Kinky Product or Toy. I hope we make up for this woeful situation in 2014. Come on, kinky toy producers, show us what ya got!

We reviewed some amazing adult products and toys this year in all the remaining four categories. So coming up with the very best in each category was a bit of a challenge. But despite the difficulty we completed our list and here are members of the Dr Dick Review Crew to reveal the winners.

First up is Jada with The Best Product or Toy for Women — G Vibe —— $99.99.

(Curiously enough, Jada had the honor of reviewing the best product or toy for women last year too. You go Jada!)

Jada
I am delighted to be the one to bring you news of a truly remarkable and inventive new vibe. It’s called the G Vibe and it comes from a company called Fun Toys. Well, my friends, no need to beat around the bush; I’m smitten.

G Vibe02The G Vibe looks like no other vibe I’ve ever seen. It looks as though someone took a regular insertable vibe and sliced it down the middle, producing two forked tongues, each of which vibrates. The two tongues are ultra-flexible and the whole vibe is covered in the most deliciously soft and velvety 100% medical grade silicone. And that makes it, as you probably already know, latex-free, nonporous, phthalate-free, and hypoallergenic. It’s the dream material for insertables. The G Vibe comes in several colors, mine is rose.

Embedded in the handle of G Vibe is a hard plastic ring, with a metallic finish. This allows you to slip two fingers (index and middle) into the handle so that your thumb is perfectly positioned on the three-button control panel. When activated the buttons light up. It is super-ergonomic and clearly lovingly designed.

Speaking of the control panel, it’s among the easiest I’ve ever used. The top button is marked with a “+.” This turns on the vibe and accelerates the intensity of the vibrations from mild to wow! The middle button marked with a wavy icon rotates through the six vibrating modes. The lower button is marked with a “-.” This decelerates the intensity of the vibrations and turns the unit off.

The G Vibe is about 9.5” long, with an insertable length of about 6”. The girth of a single tongue is approximately 2.5” and the girth of the two tongues together is about 4.5”

Each of the tongues of the G Vibe has its own motor. And the flexibility of the tongues is what makes it so versatile. Squeeze the two tongues together to insert the shaft of the vibe. Of course, the tongues separate once inserted. The two tongues delivers a sensation of fullness without stretching the entrance of your vagina. This makes for lovely G-spot stimulation. Insert one tongue and maneuver the other tongue to your clit. Or slip the G Vibe over your clit or nipples in a clothespin like fashion. Or use the tongue tips to tickle and tease anywhere on your body or your partner’s body. Let your imagination and your creativity guide you to find all the possible uses and pleasure techniques. Look to the pamphlet that is included in the box for inspiration.
Full Review HERE!

Next up is Brad with The Best Lube or Lotion — SPUNK Lube Hybrid (8 oz) —— $15.00

Brad
Those of you who follow my reviews know that I’m a personal trainer. About a year ago one of my new clients, a gay dude, says to me, “You look so familiar. I said, “Really?” He says, “Yeah, but I just can’t think of where I may have seen you before.” I think nothing more of it till a few weeks later he says, “I know why you look so familiar.” “You do?” He says, you are the spittin’ image of this guy on the internet who jerks off all the time on camera.” I’m like, “Get otta here!” He says, “No really, you should check it out. The site is called STR8cam and the guy’s name is Jeff.”

I’m thinkin’ ok, this new client of mine doesn’t know I’m straight and he’s comin’ on to me with this stuff. I mean, I don’t care if my clients get the hots for me. I’m flattered. I also use that sexual tension to my benefit. I can always get my gay clients to work harder for me if I flirt with them. Which is not hard to do, because they’re all nice guys. It’s harmless, of course and I know they’re never offended, so it works for everyone.

But I got to tell you my interest in this Jeff guy was too much for me to resist. I had to see for myself if he and I looked anything alike. I went home one afternoon, googled the site and discovered we could be brothers. DAMN! You gotta give this guy credit, because he’s been pullin’ his pud on camera for years. And I’m sure he has this huge gay following. You GO, Jeff.spunklube

Fast-forward to last month when Dr Dick whips out this bottle of SPUNK Lube Hybrid, and asks me if I’d like to give it a spin. I said, “Sure, why the fuck not?” Then he tells me that this stuff come from this guy he knows in the porn industry, named Jeff, who runs this site called STR8cam. What do you know; now there’s two degrees of separation between me and my online look-alike. So I ask the good doctor, “Hey, do you think this Jeff guy and I look alike? The reason I ask is, one of my clients turned me on to his site about a year ago, because he said I looked like him.” Dr Dick said, “Come to think of it, I guess there is a resemblance.” If that don’t beat all!

So here’s to you, Jeff, my bro from a different mother.

SPUNK Lube Hybrid is my new favorite lube. I mean, it stands to reason that someone who beats his meat for a living would know his way around lube, but this stuff is better than good. The first thing you need to know is it looks and feels just like a guy’s nut. A few drops of SPUNK Lube has the same consistency and viscosity of my own load. I tell ya, if you warm SPUNK Lube a bit, like in a bowl of warm water, I defy you to tell the difference between your jizz and SPUNK Lube, it’s that realistic.
Full Review HERE!

Next we hear from Dr Dick Review Crew Members, Denise & Ken who have the Best Product or Toy for couples — The Moodsign and Card Game —— $39.99

Denise & Ken
Ken: “When Dr Dick asked us to review the Moodsign, I asked him; ‘what the hell is it?’ He said, “well, it’s not a sex toy, per se, but it is a device that is supposed to help a couple communicate about sex. And it comes with a card game that looks like fun. Would you guys like to give it a try?’”moodsign-packaging-front
Denise: “I glanced over at Ken while Dr Dick was telling us this. And I thought Ken’s eyes were going to roll out of his head. He does the eye-rolling thing so often; I don’t think he knows how obvious he’s being. So before Ken could open his mouth again, I chimed in and said, ‘sure, we’d be happy to review it.’ Ken nudged me and flashed that ‘are you serious?’ look at me. I pretended not to notice.”
Ken: “Ok, so maybe I was being a little transparent, but I couldn’t imagine how a gadget which lights up was gonna get me laid more often. And lets be honest, that’s what we’re talkin’ about here, right?”
Denise: “Tactful! But I did see his point. Ken and I both love sex, but our schedules are such that we often miss opportunities to have a little fun because we can’t read one another’s mind. I thought, if the Moodsign did nothing more than help us with that, it would be a winner.”
Ken: “Well, when she puts it like that, I began to understand. Maybe this is a good place to stop and tell you what the Moodsign is. It’s a sleek hard plastic thing that stand, about 5” tall. It has two clear plastic arms, one on each side, that can be raised to make a signal. Additionally, the arms light up, (powered by 3-AAA batteries, not included) and can be cycled through several different colors. Once I got over myself, I began to see how something as simple as this could actually make a huge difference in letting Denise know that I’m up for a little slap and tickle, I was sold.”moodsign-rabbit-style
Denise: “Listen, I already know that Ken is ‘up’ for ‘it’ just about all the time, but now I had a way of signaling to him that I too was ‘up’ for ‘it’ and I could even be really specific about the kind of ‘it’ I might be up for. This was a game changer. Once Ken and I familiarized ourselves with the Moodsign, we decided to map out our own secret code for one another. Since the lighted arms can point down, outward, and up, we decided that this would signify our interest in and availability for some kind of sexual intimacy. If Ken was hot to go, he’d raise his lighted arm all the way up. I could then respond by raising my lighted arm to ‘hot-to-go,’ ‘maybe,’ or ‘not now, but thanks for asking.’”
Ken: “And then we designated a code for the colored lights to correspond to the kind of intimacy we were into — ‘cuddling,’ ‘making-out,’ ‘sensual massage,’ ‘fucking,’ that sort of thing.”
Denise: “I suggested that we reserve one color for non-sexual communication, like when we get into argument. We could signal to one another that we are ready to talk about whatever it was that set us off. The more we used the Moodsign, the more versatile it became. I found it really delightful and amazingly helpful.”
Ken: “You want to know what I like best? I like that Denise and I can pretty much carry on this really dirty conversation with one another right in front of the kids and they remain clueless. I mean, they’ve seen us fiddle around with the Moodsign, but I just told them it had something to do with work and they were fine with that.”
Full Review HERE!

Finally, we have a tie for Best Product or Toy for Men

Jack & Karen bring us — VërSpanken Bumpy — $31.29 and VërSpanken Water Wieners — $24.99

VërSpanken001

Jack & Karen
Karen: “My goodness, it’s been over a year since our last review. Where does the time go? We were busy with a move and then we welcomed a baby boy, our first, into our family. No wonder we’ve been out of the loop for so long.”
Jack: “Well, we’re glad to be back. And we have an amazing product to tell you about. It’s called a VërSpanken. I have the bumpy one, but it also comes in smooth and wavy. I’ll get to that in a minute.”
Karen: “I was kinda hoping we’d get a couple-oriented product as our first toy of the new year, so I was a little disappointed when I discovered the VërSpanken is toy for guys. That’s what I thought until I took a closer look.”
Jack: “It’s true, the VërSpanken is a male masturbation toy, but Karen and I have been using it together and having a ball. I only wish I had this thing that last couple of months of Karen’s pregnancy. I wouldn’t have worn out my hand quite so much.”VER-SPANKEN-WAVY-WITH-FOAMWIENERS-SOLID-PURPLE
Karen: “Since the baby I haven’t been feeling as sexy as I used to. I’m so glad my libido is slowly returning. But I still don’t often feel like getting involved in full-on sex and that’s where the VërSpanken really comes in handy. I don’t have to leave Jack high and dry just because I don’t feel like sex.”
Jack: “Ok, I think it’s high time for us to tell you everything you need to know about the VërSpanken. I know this is gonna sound weird, but my initial impression was that it looked like this big alien pussy.”
Karen: “He was looking at it vertically, but if you turn it sideways and look at it horizontally, it looks like a big alien mouth. It’s actually pretty comical.”
Jack: “Karen’s right! I guess you can tell I had pussy on the brain when I first saw the VërSpanken. That’s what happens when you go without for so long. Anyhow, there’s this black hard plastic housing that is hinged at the base and snaps shut at the top. When you open the black plastic case you see two foam inserts. These inserts come in three fun vibrant colors and three textures. These inserts are made of TPR (Thermo Plastic Rubber).”
Karen: “Here’s how it works. You open the bwater wienerslack plastic housing, lube up the deliciously spongy inserts, put your man’s penis between them and close the housing once again. It looks hilarious, but it drove Jack crazy with pleasure. The inserts make an encompassing sensation. You can move it up and down over the penis or twist it from side to side.”
Jack: “It’s true! It’s totally wacky, but oh so effective. Pumping my dick in and out of the VërSpanken is a kick. It’s so tight and the sensations are fantastic. I’ve used a few masturbation sleeves in the past, but I’ve never felt anything like this. It’s a one-size-fits-all kind a thing, and for once that claim is actually true. No matter the size of your cock, the VërSpanken will work for you.”
Karen: “But that’s not all! Along with the VërSpanken we also got two additional inserts called Water Wieners. Here’s where it really gets fun. The Water Wieners are like water balloons that you can heat or chill before popping them into the black plastic housing. This adds to the sensation play. One evening last week I blindfolded Jack and restrained his hands so he couldn’t touch his penis. I replaced the bumpy foam inserts with the warmed Water Wieners, lubed up the VërSpanken, and slipped it over his erection. I thought he was going to hit the roof.”
Full Review HERE!

Greg brings us — ARMOUR UP —— $19.56

Greg
My friend Trevor invited me to visit him in Palm Springs a few weeks ago. He promised lots of pool parties and sex. As it turned out, the weather was perfect. Upper 70’s and low 80’s, basically sizzlin’ for this pasty Seattleite. Not that extreme hot, like it is in the summer. I had a ball!armour up02

Here’s the thing, I sometimes get a little self-conscious about the size of my package when wearing Speedos. I mean, I’m a grower not a shower. Does that sound shallow? Ok, so maybe I am.

Just before I left, Dr Dick turned me on to a new product from Perfect Fit Brand. It’s called ARMOUR UP. I’ve been hoping to score one of their products since I read the review of their now infamous Fat Boy. They are also the maker of the Cruiser Cockring, which we’ve also reviewed. And I mention that because ARMOUR UP is a cockring too, but it’s like no other cockring I’ve ever used or worn.

ARMOUR UP is a teardrop shaped design. While the shape is nothing new; I have this kick ass stainless steel one that is beautiful, but a bitch to put on and take off. And despite the fact that it look great on my junk, all shiny and shit, its uncomfortable to wear for long periods of time. In fact, I thought the ARMOUR UP one was gonna be the same way. I was so wrong!

armour up04ARMOUR UP is made of an ultra-stretchy and resilient material called PF Blend, which is a combination of silicone and TPR (a thermoplastic elastomer). It is easy-on and easy-off and it is so fuckin’ comfortable, I can wear it for hours at a time. And you know I did under my Speedos.

The teardrop design is unique because not only does it do what every good cockring should do, slightly constrict your cock (and balls) so that blood flows into your dick, but doesn’t flow out as easily, thus making a nice sturdy erection. It also has this tab on the base, with a bump on it, which slings back behind your nuts and lands on your “taint.” That’s your perineum, that patch of skin, full of nerve endings, between your asshole and your balls. So there’s all this extra stimulation goin’ on by just wearing the thing.

While the ARMOUR UP teardrop shape is not new, it takes the design to a completely new level. It’s revolutionary anatomical shape is so unique! Once you have this thing on it actually makes your cock and balls protrude away from your crotch. And its slim design feels so good.

I put on the clear ARMOUR UP ring (it comes in two colors, clear and black) and then slipped into a pair of electric blue Speedos and stood in front of the mirror to check it out. DAMN, I was rockin’ this shit out. The silky feel of the material of the Speedos on my prominent dick head was giving me a nice little stiffy. I fuckin’ loved it. Now I looked like a shower, not just a grower.

I waltzed into kitchen where Trevor was putting some beers into a cooler and he took one look at me and dropped his jaw. “Hun, what you got goin’ on down there?” I just winked and said: “It’s my little secret. Besides, you’re such a size queen!” And he said; “Well at least I’m honest. You know what they say; there are only two kinds of men—size queens and liars.”

I just want you to know that I gave Trevor the black ARMOUR UP as a thank you gift for hosting me for the weekend. You should see what it does for his big black dick. It was kinda obscene!
Full Review HERE!

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL OUR WINNERS!

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SEX WISDOM With Yvonne Fulbright — Podcast #389 — 09/11/13

[Look for the podcast play button below.]

Hello sex fans! Welcome back.

Guess what? It’s my birthday today! So, ya wanna know how old I am? I’ll give you a hint. Remember the old Beatles tune the begins…yvonne head shot

When I get older losing my hair,
Many years from now.
Will you still be sending me a valentine
Birthday greetings bottle of wine.

Yep, pretty freakin’ old, hun?

So I know what you’re thinking; hey Dr Dick, why are you working on such an auspicious occasion? The answer is simple. There’s no rest for the wicked! Oh, and I have an amazing guest who is here as part of the SEX WISDOM series. I am proud to welcome a remarkable woman who is a powerhouse in the field of human sexuality. My guest today is internationally famous sexologist, sex educator, author, relationship expert, advice columnist, and television and radio personality Dr. Yvonne Kristín Fulbright.

Yvonne and I discuss:

  • Being a multimedia sex guru;
  • Her background and early interest in human sexuality;
  • Parent/child sex communication;
  • Sensual Fusion;
  • Holistic and body-centric sex education;
  • Owning our eroticism and sharing that with a partner;
  • Role models and intimate relationships;
  • Sex toys and health concerns;
  • Pornography and erotica;
  • Sex, sexuality, and gender.

 

Yvonne invites you to visit her on her site HERE! Her Sensual Fusion site HERE! Her Facebook page HERE! And her twitter feed HERE!

Click on the book covers below for more information about Yvonne’s books.

YOP cover     TMT cover     SwEx cover hi res     Pleasuring cover     HGS cover

 

 

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: SPUNK Lube.

Exif_JPEG_PICTURE

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First Q&A Show of 2013 — Podcast #360 — 01/21/13

[Look for the podcast play button below.]

Hey sex fans,black tie

Alrighty then! It’s time for our first Q&A show for the New Year. I have a whole bunch of very interesting correspondents vying for their moment in the sunshine, so to speak. Each one is ready to share his or her sex and relationship concerns with us. And I will do my level best to make my responses informative, enriching and maybe even a little entertaining.

  • John is horny as hell and wants to jack off with other guys. I turn him on to Bateworld.
  • Rocky is gettin’ pounded pretty hard, afterward he can’t pee.
  • Holly hasn’t had a date in 48 years. She’s having problems connecting with a good man.
  • Brian is lookin’ to zap his hole.
  • Conner thinks his BF is jerkin off too much.
  • Michael has crystal dick.
  • Lili describes, in great detail, her sex life with her hubby.

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously, or just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: The Perfect Fit Brand!

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Desperate measures

Name: Jake
Gender:  Male
Age: 18
Location: London
I have never had sex mostly because I have never managed to approach the person. I am bisexual and am desperate to have sex with a guy or girl. What are the best ways to approach someone for sex?

Never managed to approach a person for sex? Are you just shy, or are you a total geek? Either way, my friend, you gotta get over yourself if you ever hope to get laid.

Ok, so you’re just 18 without a lot of experience in the ways of the world. Here’s what I tell everyone who asks me this question, regardless of age or gender. When it comes to asking for sex, I think the direct approach works best. Just so long as you’re not gonna be a dick about it. If you haven’t already discovered, baggin’ a chick will probably take a bit more finesse than pokin’ on a bloke. And coming on to a mate will take a different approach than hittin’ up a stranger for a shag.

If there’s a bit of charm about you, your task will be considerably easier than if you are some crude Neanderthal who just wants to notch his belt. If you’re not sure what your selling points are, ask a friend for his or her feedback. If he or she tells you nice things bout yourself, you might be in luck. If he or she tells you that you’re a charmless creep, you’ll have your work cut out for you.

Regardless what group you fall into — the “maybe fuckable”, or the “not fucking ever,” you can always improve your image and hone your unique style. Look to how you present yourself; make sure you are groomed, clean and odor-free. Dress like you mean to impress. Doesn’t need to be fancy or fussy, just make it look like you gave your cloths a thought before you dressed yourself. Make yourself interesting, have a point of view, but share it sparingly. Have a sense of humor about yourself. If you can’t be clever or witty, then keep your mouth shut for the most part.

The internet is a great place to test the waters. Dating and hook-up sites abound. Put up a profile…with a photo or too. Here’s a tip, save the dick pics for the queer sites. Women don’t want to see your pathetic willie, at least not right away. One thing for sure, there’s nothing more unattractive to most women or men than a desperate fuck. Asking for what you want is good, pleading to be taken out of pity is not!

Few women are as casual about sex as are most men. So if a woman tells you no, she just may be shy, or not ready, or not sure. If a guy tell you no, it’s not the end of the world. He’s probably not into your type. Since there are so many fish in the sea, if you’re immediately not successful, move on. Sometimes getting laid is a situational thing. Being in the right place at the right time is helpful.

Chicks are gonna be concerned about the whole pregnancy thing. This is much more serious concern for a girl then for a boy. If you’re not well versed on methods of contraception, you’re not ready to have sex. Sexually transmitted infections ought to be a concern for you both. Don’t be a fuck-up; always use a condom regardless your partner’s gender.

If you’re dick is hard, it’s not the right time to talk about sex with a woman, but it might be the best time to hit up a dude. Women don’t necessarily like the lean and hungry look. Men tend to groove on it.

There are lots of different ways to have sex, so what might be appealing to one person may not be to another. Hand jobs and/or blow jobs are often more easy to cum by than full-on fucking with both chicks and blokes.

In the end, there no standard way to ask for sex, but if you treat a prospective partner, regardless of gender, with respect, honesty, and patience, you can be sure whatever words you use will be more effective than if you’re an uncouth lout.

Good luck

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meat substitutes or give me the beef

Name: Carol
Gender: female
Age: 32
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
I’ve got an odd question. You know how there seems to be no end to the methods and devices available to bolster a man’s equipment. Everything from cock rings to Viagra. I know guys are all ego involved with their stuff and everything, but it seems to me that instead of all this gadgetry and pharmaceuticals why don’t they just strap one on? Most women I know wouldn’t much care if was the “real thing” and a dildo. I mean, is the “real thing” all that superior? I don’t think so, because a woman could choose the girth, length and texture of her “object of desire” or change it depending on her mood. The guy would not have to worry about being “worn out,” “premature” or not being able to “get it up” at all. Best of all, both could enjoy sex for longer periods. I’m quite serious. Let’s face it; the male refractory period is really a drag. It seems to me that strap-on sex would be a great way to put off ejaculation, extend the time we have for lovemaking and “keep the fire burning” for as long as the woman wants and needs.

OUCH, Carol! For a chick who says she understands that us guys are all ego involved with our stuff, you sure are rough as hell on us penis owning people. Holy cow!

You’ll get no argument from me — most us men folk are way to obsessed with our cocks. If only we spent a fraction of the time we fritter way worrying about the size and shape of our poor willies on something worthwhile, something that would actually make us more interesting; the world would be a much better place. But let’s face it, that ain’t gonna happen. And when all the boys out there get a load of your message, which suggests that most women would actually choose a strap on over the real thing, well…you know for sure the anxiety level is gonna go through the roof.

Frankly, I don’t believe that most women would choose a dildo over the real thing, even though the “real thing”, as you so generously point out, has its deficiencies like the pesky male refractory period.  And if I had to guess, and it would indeed be a guess, most women would prefer the animate thing, with all its shortcomings, no pun intended to the inanimate things with all their variety. I guess this because most of the women I know think that there is more to sex and intimacy than penetration sex, even though penetration sex is all fine and dandy. I’ve also had my share of women tell me they’re not overly disturbed when the hubby or BF can’t get it up, because that means less barkin’ at their front door, or (god forbid) back door…if you catch my drift.

I also get loads of letters from women who complain that the dudes in her life don’t know squat about how to use the dick nature gave them. It’s hard for me to imagine how awkward and clumsy penis/vagina sex would be if the guy pluggin’ the chick couldn’t feel the thing he was pluggin’ her with. I’d be willing to wager that there’d be a whole lot more bruised pussies out there if men were strappin’ their tool on, instead of using the one that came “standard issue” with their birthday suit.

But let’s just say you’re right; let’s say that most women would prefer to have fake as opposed to real, how would these women break the news to their benighted men? I mean, would she just come right out and say, “hey mister, tonight we’re gonna have you strap on old junior here.” As she pulls out some big vibrating monster wang and a harness. How do you suppose that would affect the guy’s ego? I suggest, not very well. Like I said at the beginning, us guys are already nervous about our adequacy. How are we supposed to compete with something that never loses its boner and can vibrate all at the same time?

No darlin’, I don’t think that’s gonna fly. Imagine for a moment if the shoe were on the other foot, so to speak. And men started to bring home blow up dolls to compensate for all the times their women were too tired, or too headachy, or too pregnant or too turned off to the idea of giving their man some well-deserved head. Imagine the female consternation if their male partners asked them to move over in bed to make way for Missy Blow-up…you know the one with the eveready mouth, pussy and asshole, the one that never complains and has those really perky tits, albeit made of plastic.

You see where I’m going with this, don’t ‘cha? Most of the women I know can’t even bear the idea their man might be jerkin’ off to porn let alone having to share their bed with an inanimate object that is there simply for the sexual gratification of their male partner.

Now that I’ve debunked the idea of real verses fake, I do believe that most couples I know — straight, bi, gay, what have you — would benefit from adding a sex toy…or six to their love making. I mean that’s why I hawk all those fabulous “marital aids” in the Dr Dick’s Stockroom for my kinkier friends  and my other, more vanilla toy emporium HERE.  I’m a big advocate of spicing up things with all this stuff, but never at the ego expense of one or the other partner.

So by all means Carol, if you’re bedding a man that has the ego strength to hear you suggest he strap one on when his peters out…so to speak…good for you! Knock yourself out! But then you’d have to be as agreeable to his toy suggestions too, right? I mean turn about is fair play, right darling?

I am of the mind that most people, both women and men are still too skittish about the whole notion of toys, at least as part of partnered fun. And that’s really too bad. For the most part, us Americans, particularly straight Americans, are not particularly adventurous when it comes to sex in general, and partnered sex with toys in particular. And those who are including toy play in their sex play generally use toys that are no threat to the ego of their partner. They tend to save their dildos and masturbation sleeves for when they are alone, again, too bad about that. I think that more people would have more enjoyable sex — together, if they were more comfortable jerkin’ off and jillin’ off WITH their partner and their toys. As it is now, most masturbation is still a furtive, solitary affair, again, too bad about that.

In the end, the answer to your query might reside with the kind of guy you fuck, Carol. Hopefully he, or they are open minded and fun loving sex freaks who are dying to try new things. If he, or they are, you’re in luck. All you’ll have to do is come up with a politic way of introducing “old junior” and his harness to your man. If by chance, the guy or guys you fuck aren’t quite so enlightened, maybe you’ll have to introduce the idea of toys first by getting him one. Imagine his surprise if you showed up in bed one day with a vibrating masturbation sleeve, one that looks like a real live pussy. Then you could tell your man to have a ball and bust a nut while you watch with joy. After he’s spent himself on the inanimate pussy, you could whip out the strap-on and tell him to go to town on your real thing.

Good luck!

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A New Year of Q&A — Podcast #252 — 01/03/11

[Look for the podcast play button below.]

Hey sex fans,

We’re BAACK, and it’s a brand new year! Did ya’ll have a brilliant holiday season? I sure hope so. And while I really enjoyed my brief winter break from podcasting, I’m eager to get back at it, don’t cha know. During these last two weeks of relative down time, I’ve been busy lining up an amazing array of outstanding guests who will make 2011 another banner year of interviews and conversations.

But today we break open the new year with some hot Q&A action. We haven’t had one of these kinds of shows since mid October. So that means my inbox is overflowing. I also have the pleasure of announcing The Dr Dick Review Crew’s Favorite Products of 2010 list.

Today we hear from:

  • Josiah is having a problem coming out, because his family is super religious.
  • Donna is my kind of perv. She’s into BDSM, but she’s also disabled.
  • The Powerchair Pimp is sick and tired of being a virgin.
  • Arthur wants to hook up with older dudes.
  • Stacy may have orgasmic related migraines.

The Dr Dick Review Crew’s Favorite Products of 2010

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll fine me in the podcast section, obviously, or just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: DR DICK’S — HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY.

drdickvod.jpg

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Joining The Resistance

Name: Green Guy
Gender: Male
Age: 44
Location: Lowell, MA
Dr. Dick I am an African American gay man who was reared in a very psychologically abusive and conservative southern environment. I am very inexperienced with relationships, dating and sex. In fact, I have been celibate for the last five years, trying to figure out how I got so psychologically fucked up and what to do about it. I was in therapy for quite a while, but I still have many issues to deal with, including trusting men. I would like to be in a healthy relationship, but I don’t even know where to start. I feel that my personal life has been a total disaster. I want to change things around, but I feel utterly lost. Although I am professionally successful, I have serious issues with my body. I am somewhat overweight, but have recently joined a gym to get in shape. I just feel totally hideous, and depressed (I am on medication), and don’t believe any guy would ever be interested in me. Please help!!

Holy Cow, darlin’, you sure do know how to let it all hang out, huh? Did you notice how may superlatives you used: “very abusive, many issues, total disaster, serious issues, totally hideous” to mention a few. It’s clear to me, and probably any other human that comes near you, that you are soooo not ready for a relationship. In fact, if you are as icky and psychologically fucked up as you say, if you can’t trust anyone, if you’re a dating klutz, if you are totally hideous and misshapen, then why not just let it go and spare any other person the torture of being involved with you? You’re right, what guy in his right mind would be interested in the likes of you?

Ok, you see what I’m doing here? I’m joining the resistance. You want to pile it on yourself, swell. I’ll join you. I’ll pile on too and together we’ll heap on the insults and contempt until you can’t stand it any more, until you reach your tolerance for self abuse (and not the good kind). And from what I can gather, that’s gonna take some piling on. Of course, you could quit this self-abuse at any time. Seems to me 44 years of negative and undercutting behavior is plenty…even for you.

None of us is without our issues, my friend, least of all me. But to navigate social situations, even casual ones, one needs to be able to judge what the traffic can bear. If you come on like gangbusters, like you did in your message to me, you’re finished even before you begin.

Whatever therapy you did in the past, it either didn’t work or it didn’t have any lasting effects. Find a therapist that will challenge you not stroke you. Find someone that will jump on your shit, someone who will care enough about you to disallow you from hurting yourself with such cruel remarks about yourself.

When I have a client like you in my private practice I always lay down the law. For every self-critical thing you say about yourself, you must say something nice about yourself. That shuts the client up in a hurry. Once he or she is quiet enough to listen we start pulling apart the tangle of their self-hatred.

You were abused as a kid. Sadly, so are lots of kids. But that’s in the past. I’m sure you have scars, but who doesn’t have scar tissue. You don’t know how to interact with others socially, that a skill that can be learned. You’re fat and out of shape? You’re going to the gym to address that. You’re depressed even on antidepressants? Well, no wonder you’re sick of yourself. And that has got to stop, NOW.

Before you consider asking anyone else to love you — with all your flaws — you’re gonna have to learn to love yourself — with all your flaws. If you can’t do that, then don’t expect anyone else to do it before you do. Get off your pity pot and get to work. You say you are successful in your professional life. (Frankly I don’t see how that’s possible given the litany of your liabilities.) But for the sake of argument, let’s say you are telling the truth. How did you come to be a successful professional without at least some redeeming qualities? That is unless you are a professional executioner, or a professional hit man, or a politician.

You see you can’t have it both ways. If you have skill enough to make yourself a success in your professional life, then you have skill enough to make yourself a success in your private life. With the help of this new therapist you’re gonna get — the one who is not going to let you get away with your shit — you’re gonna learn how to marshal and channel the aptitudes you have that make you successful in one area of your life, to make you a success the other areas of your life.

Good luck

Name: Jose
Gender: Male
Age: 20
Location: Norwalk, CT
how can i approuch a good stripper to get into sex? even tho they just strip some do more off work. How do I know they are willing to do it?

I’m gonna go way out on a limb here and guess that English is not your first language, right Jose? I think I understand what you are asking. Let’s just hope the women you approach will also understand you’re meaning.

So OK, you know this fine stripper and you want to have sex with her, right? Swell! First thing you oughta know is that not all strippers are hookers. Some simply strip because they make really good money. They don’t sell sex, mostly because they don’t have to. The strippers that do offer sexual favors for a fee, don’t do so where they strip. It’s bad for business and, I hasten to point out, it’s against the law— except if you’re in Nevada — and you’re not.

There are two real good ways to go about this hunt for stripper sex. First, you could ask the vixen out on a real date. Personally I think this is the best way of going about gettin laid by any woman. If the woman, stripper or whatever, is available for a date, and you’re not a totally creepy putz, she might take you up on the offer. Just remember, many strippers already have a boyfriend, and he wouldn’t look kindly on you trying to hustle his filly, if you catch my drift.

Also, some stripping establishments prohibit their employees from fucking with the customers. If that’s the policy at the joint you frequent, let it go. Don’t pester the woman for something that will jeopardize her job. However, if she does accept the date, and all goes well, and you charm the pants off her, literally, you just might get a little slap and tickle. I just hope we’re clear on the concept that if any woman, especially a sex worker, accepts a dinner invitation it is not the same thing as saying she’ll fuck you, right? GOOD!

The second option is to ask the stripper if she does escort work on the side. Again, some stripping establishments prohibit their strippers from fraternizing with customers in any way, shape or form, especially fucking them. You ought also know that if the woman in question is indeed an escort as well as a stripper, your “date” with her is gonna cost ya. These women are professionals; so you’d do well to treat them with the respect you’d offer any other professional woman.

Never, under any circumstance, offer to pay a stripper…or any woman for that matter…for sex. That would be pandering prostitution, and that’s against the law. If the woman in question is an escort, she will be exchanging her time, the pleasure of her company and her expertise for money; not sex for money. Get it? If she’s smart she won’t give you a second chance to get this right. So if you fuck up asking her the first time you may be out of luck forever.

My advice to you is, figure out ahead of time which way you want to go on this — a real date or escort hook up. Then approach her like a gentleman. If she’s not interested, respect her decision to decline your offer with grace and dignity.

Good luck

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Give it to me straight!

Name: Darren
Gender: Male
Age: 24
Location: Long Beach
I’m a 24-year-old straight male. On my second tour of duty in Iraq, I took some shrapnel in my back on account of an IED. I’ve been in a wheelchair, paralyzed from the waist down, ever since. I come from a very strict religious family so I never was sexually active before the marines. Now I’m back at home, and while my parents are great caregivers, I can’t talk to them about this. I’m afraid that I won’t ever get to have sex, but I want to. What should I do?

Tough break, pup! As if the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan weren’t bad enough, there is all this collateral damage to our brave and valiant service people. Damn. If we, your countrymen, don’t owe ya’ll every possible assistance, accommodation and convenience I don’t know what!

I’ll admit, your family’s religious scruples, coupled with your spinal cord injury, makes for a pretty daunting double whammy. So let’s start with some basics. Lots of people automatically think that a person in a wheelchair can’t have or is uninterested in sex. Your parents probably think this. They probably also believe that sex is only for married people and since you aren’t married and you’re in a chair, there’s no good reason to discuss the matter further. I encourage you not to sink to the lowest common denominator on this.

I suspect that since you still have a healthy interest in sex, and you want to get laid at some point…hopefully real soon. All we have to do is figure out a clever work-around to your current living situation. To that end, I have some questions for you. Are you afforded any private time and space in your parent’s home? Are you are getting some physical therapy at the veteran’s hospital or elsewhere? Are you in a spinal injury support group? Do you have any social outlets, other than the medical related ones? Do you still have some jar-head buddies who could swing by and pick you up and take you out?

The reason I ask all these questions is that, despite your disability, you’re gonna have to forge your own independent life away from, and out of the control of your parents — good people though they are. Many care-providers, despite their best intentions, have a tendency to smother the people they are caring for. Don’t let this happen to you. The only way you will find the fuck you are looking for is if you assert your independence. This move toward independence may have to happen incrementally, but you gotta get started.

Clearly you have access to the interents, or you wouldn’t have been able to contact to me. That’s a good start. The internet tubes is gonna be your best friend for the duration, count on it. Connect with other similarly challenged vets and civilians online. These folks will be a wealth of information for you about how to take the next steps — pardon the pun — toward independent living. If you’re not plugged into an ongoing spinal injury support group, make that happen ASAP. Like I said, these folks will have information and resources that the professionals who attend you do not have, or will not share. If there are any wheelchair fetishists out there, your support group will know about them. And I think you can be pretty certain that there are. You are following me on this, right Darren? Good!

Now, this is where your jar-head buddies will come in handy. Prevail upon them to be your transportation. Parents are good for getting you to and from the hospital and the like, but you don’t want to count on them to get you to a tryst or date, don’t cha know. One thing for certain, when connecting with chicks online or elsewhere you need to be pretty upfront about what you want and need. Remember, you have to compensate for people’s preconceived ideas about sex and disability.

I’ll grant you, this is a fine line to tread — again no pun intended — because you have to be upfront about your desires, but ya gotta do it without being a dickhead about it. You are also at a disadvantage for not having had the opportunity of hone your dating and seduction skills before Iraq. So you’re gonna have to do some remedial work now. In social situations — and you ought to be goin out to places other than hospitals and support groups — project yourself as a sexual being. Put out a sexual vibe. Not all geeky and weird, but as a matter of self-confidence, you’re a marine vet for Christ sake. That should be swagger and bragging rights enough.

And don’t forget, you know something that others may not know. You’re gonna be a freakin’ terror in the sheets, because you gonna be making up for a whole lot of lost time. Make eye contact and smile, be your charming devilish self. Whatever you do, don’t gawk at her tits. They may be pretty as all get out, and the object of your eternal desire, but please, keep a lid on it!

If you are unsure about your skills as a lover or you just need a little tutorial on how to please a woman, my I suggest you connect with a pro — ya know a sex worker. That’s right, it’s a time-honored way for guys in the service to lose their cherry. And you’re still sorta like in the service, right? Nowadays, connecting with just the right provider has never been easier, thanks again to the internets. See, I told you that the internet tubes was gonna be your best friend for the duration. Seriously, I suspect that you have lots to learn about the ins and outs of sex, — my final pun, i promise — so why not see a specialist?

One thing for sure, if you are having a difficult time carving out private time there in your parent’s home, or they are the snooping kind, keep your internet searches on a friend’s computer. You don’t want your parents finding out that you are indeed a sexual being looking to get his freak on. At least you don’t want them to find out till after you’ve established your independence. Because if they pull the plug on your internets before you’re on your own, because they think you are a big fat pervert sexual sinner, you’re gonna be shit out of luck, if ya catch my drift.

Good luck

Name: Mikhall
Gender: Male
Age: 18
Location: U of M
I’ve been having wet dreams since I was 13. I thought I would get over this by now, but it’s still happening. I’m in college now and I don’t want my roommate to think I’m some kind of freak. Is there anyway to make this stop?

I remember when I was a kid, I couldn’t have been more that 6 or 7, I overheard my older brother telling his friend he had had a wet dream. I couldn’t wrap my head around what he was saying. He was boasting, of course, and it had something to do with sex, that I knew for sure. But why was he so proud of wetting his bed? I was way to self-conscious to ask him about it, so I let my mind just spin out all these fantastic scenarios and boy, were they fantastic. My brother was really cool, so I was hoped I would have a wet dream one day too, but I was also dreading it all the same. Information about sex, when it comes in dribs and drabs like this, can really be confusing.

I finally had my first wet dream a few years later and I was surprised as hell to wake up with sticky wet sheets and PJs. Interestingly enough, I didn’t make the connection between what had just happened to me and what my brother had been talking about a couple of years earlier. So ok, I wasn’t all that swift when I was a kid. But just look at me now!

As I look back, I can’t honestly tell you how I figured the whole thing out. I did, however, discover that wet dreams had a more ominous technical name: a nocturnal emission. That was scary in and of itself.

So ok, here’s what we know about wet dreams. And you can bank in this info. When a guy begins puberty, somewhere between the ages of 9 and 13, he starts to produce sperm. Once that happens he’s able to ejaculate, even though he may not have discovered this on his own, ya know like through jerkin’ off. It is at this point that most guys experience their first wet dreams. While asleep our little boy cock rubs against the mattress or sheets, or we may unconsciously fondle ourselves till we squirt. Since this often happens while dreaming, or because of a dream with sexual overtones, a nocturnal emission is also call a sex dream, or the ever popular dirty dream.

Here’s something you might not know. Technically there is a difference between a nocturnal orgasm (which anyone can have at any age, even as and infant) and a nocturnal emission (which only males have and only after he reaches puberty).

I know you’re a bit exasperated, Mikhall, with the continuation of these pesky wet dreams, but it’s all quite normal and I might add, healthy. You clearly have a very active spooge production system. You’re body is producing an over abundance of spunk, more than you need. And it has to get rid of the excess somehow. Believe me, you really wouldn’t want it stay in your system; it wouldn’t be healthy. Embarrassment aside, you can be grateful that your bod is working properly and in harmony with nature.

Do you recall your first wet dream? Most guys tell me that they thought they had injured themselves, or they somehow got a sex disease. Too bad our parents don’t prepare us for this eventful night. Many kids are so filled with fear and embarrassment that they try to destroy the evidence — getting rid of the sheets, underwear or pajamas. Another confusing aspect of a kid’s first wet dream is the pleasure and arousal he feels. Those of us brought up in religious homes are often filled with shame by this disturbing occurrence.

Those of you who are familiar with Dr Dick’s background know that I was a Catholic priest for many years. I know, scary, huh? I don’t want to go off topic here and discuss my life as a priest now — we can save that for another time. What I want to point out here is that when I was in the saddle, so to speak, I often had the occasion to hear the confessions of young people. It was remarkable how often young men would confess to a wet dream, like if they had committed some heinous crime! What gives with a culture that instills such shame about things that are so natural and outside of our control?

Think of it this way, when your bladder gets full you take a wiz. When your prostate and seminal vesicles get full you take a jizz. It’s as simple and natural as all that. Now, if I were to guess, Mikhall, I’d speculate that, for whatever reason, you’re not masturbating all that much. Right? The reason I think that is, if you were relieving yourself of your joy juice, ya know like beatin’ off, you’d have less of a build up and fewer wet dreams, if any. Do you see where I’m headed with this? The same thing would be true if you didn’t relieve yourself when your bladder got full, you’d piss anyhow, only it would happen when you weren’t able to properly direct it. Get it? Got it? Good!

If you want to cut down on those embarrassing wet dreams, milk yourself before you sleep. This way you can direct your spooge into a proper receptacle, like a Kleenex or a dirty sock — just like all your peers.

I also want to remind you of the current research being done about masturbation. Australian researchers questioned over 1,000 men who had developed prostate cancer and 1,250 men who had not, about their sexual habits. They found those who had ejaculated the most between the ages of 20 and 50 were the least likely to develop prostate cancer.

The protective effect was greatest while the men were in their 20’s. Get this, men who ejaculated more than five times a week were a third less likely to develop prostate cancer later in life.

Good luck!

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Sex Advice With An Edge — Podcast #171 — 11/30/09

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Hey sex fans,

We’ll be winding up the year with our traditional Q&A format.  For the few weeks that remain hairy_buttbefore our well-deserved annual holiday break I’ll be addressing the concerns of the sexually worrisome that come to me as email and voicemail.  And if we have the time, we’ll be discussing everyone’s favorite topic; sex toys.  The Erotic Mind series will resume in the New Year with a slew of new and interesting erotic artists and authors who will share their work with us and discuss their creative process.

Among today’s correspondents are:

  • Jake wants to invite his straight male friends to a circle jerk.
  • Dennis can’t get his GF to blow him, or even jerk him off.
  • Tyler wants to know how to do a DP.
  • Uncircumcised Guy wants to get cut now that he’s an adult.
  • Anonymous wants to know what drips out his ass after gettin pegged.
  • We have a handjob question as well as some ass play and prostate questions.

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes.  You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

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YOUNG and OLD

Hey sex fans,

More Q&A today with the bonus links to my HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY (see the VOD tab at the top of the page?) that will further educate or enrich the person who is asking the question.

Think of it as at HOMEWORK or further study on the topic at hand.  I hope all of you will benefit from this terrific instructional and enriching resource.  (Click on the images below for viewing information.)

Name: Ramish
Gender:  Male
Age: 19
Location: UK
I’m nervous about having sex?  I have been masturbating since I was 11, but I can’t work up the courage to try it with anyone else.  I don’t even know if I’m gay or straight.  How do I get over being so nervous?

Holy cow, that is nervous.  I suggest that you begin by taking stock of yourself — physically, emotionally and sexually.  I’m gonna ask you some questions and you can take all the time you need to ponder your answers.  Here’s a tip, write these down; and if you have difficulty answering any of them ask a buddy for his or her input.

What’s your best physical asset?  Do you think of yourself as attractive in a sexual sort of a122116_xlfway?  If not, what could you do to spruce things up a little?  Listen, the more comfortable you are in your own skin, the more confident you’ll be in connecting with other for sex and relationships.  If you know yourself well enough to know your best assets, you’ll be able to put your best stuff forward, right?

What do you find sexually attractive about others — both women and men?  Chances are that if you haven’t already discovered if you are straight or gay, you might be bi.

When you masturbate, what goes through your head?  What are your sexual fantasies?  Do you fantasize about sexual situations with others?  Anything in particular?  Anyone in particular?

When you say you are nervous about sex; does that have to do with possible rejection?  Or is it more to do with performance — ya know, not knowing what to do once the situation arises, so to speak?  Is there anyone you feel safe enough with, a pal perhaps, you could talk this through with?  If you feel emotionally safe, or safe from potential shame and humiliation with this person, it might be easier to open up him or her.  Just remember, everyone’s been were you are at one point in his or her life.

Are you comfortable with being nude, at least by yourself?  Lots of people aren’t.  Are you able to admire yourself in the mirror without comparing yourself to the unrealistic expectations about the human body that comes to us from the popular culture? If you are not comfortable with being naked, think about the reasons why you’re not.  Again, if it’s body image issues, maybe you need to get in better shape, or just let go of your idealized notions about physical attractiveness.

a93626_xlfDo you know about contraception and sexually transmitted infections? If you don’t, you’re not ready to have sex with anyone else.  Do your homework.  Know what you need to ask a prospective partner in terms of contraception and STIs before an encounter.

OK, so you’re familiar with pleasuring yourself.  That’s a good start.  Would you know how to pleasure a partner?  If you’re not sure, I suggest that you do some research.  There are all kinds of instructional videos out there.  In fact, you’ll find just about everything you are looking for at DR DICK’S HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY.

One thing to remember, the best sex is a mutually satisfying experience. You and your potential partners are different people, with different desires, interests, personality and fantasies. Despite everything you might learn from an instructional video, there is no substitute for asking your partner what he/she likes. You’ll need to be able to respond in kind too.  Being able to communicate your needs and desires is absolutely essential for a happy, fun-filled fuck.

Are you a good kisser?  Do you know how to touch someone else without it being an invitation to sex?  Do you know how to be affectionate, to be close and playful with someone simply for joy of it?  I always suggest to my young clients that they learn how to give a good back rub or foot massage.  Nonseductive touching is as important as knowing how to touch someone sexually.  It’s also how some of the best sex play begins.

Are you making yourself available for a sexual connection?  Nowadays the opportunities for connecting with others for companionship and/or sex abound.  You don’t have to be aggressive in your pursuit, but it ain’t gonna fall in your lap either.

What would it take for you to feel comfortable initiating sex?  This is, of course, the follow-up step to putting yourself out there.  I realize this can be a bit intimidating, but you’re gonna have to push through this, pup. Think about why initiating sex or accepting an invitation to be sexual is difficult for you.

Are you able to be a good friend?  The best sex is more than bumping parts.  It’s a full human-to-human connection.  If you know how to be a good friend, you’re more than half way there to being a good lover.  There are all kinds of sexual expression — romantic to the passionate even spiritual. Sex can be a cuddly and romantic, or it can be hot monkey love.a122404_xlf It can be tender as well as intense.  You ought to have the ability direct the flow, or at least go with it.

Do you have an adventuresome side to you?  Do you like a challenge?  Are you comfortable experimenting with one thing or another?  If you are, you will find these are all valuable assets in making sex happen for you.  There are still a whole lot of sex-negative messages out there in our society.  You’ll need to be strong enough to stand against these repressive currents and pursue your heart’s desire.

In the end, a good sex life takes effort.  It takes knowledge, practice and relationship skills.  A degree of personal openness and a sense of fun and adventure are also very helpful. Learning more about yourself and what makes you tick, will give you an advantage when the time is ready for you to partner up for sex.

Name: Walter
Gender:  Male
Age: 67
Location: Padre Island
I’m a recent widower, I haven’t dated in over 40 years.  I’m still very interested in sex, but things don’t work like they used to down there.  I had a comfortable life with my wife and performance was never an issue. Now that I’m on my own now, I’m afraid I will disappoint, if you know what I mean.

Yeah, I think I do know what you mean.  Getting back into the swing of things after so many years on the shelf a daunting task.  If you layer on sexual performance issues…well the task becomes even harder, no pun intended.

a74931_xlfI know I don’t have to tell you this, but our bodies change as we age.  Our sexual response cycle changes too.  You are familiar with the four stages of the sexual response cycle, right?  In case you are not, they are — arousal, plateau, orgasm and resolution.  Despite the changes that aging brings, there’s no good reason why you shouldn’t be able to enjoy a happy, healthy sex life.  Of course, having a healthy mind-set about sex will also help.

A rich and full sex life, possibly even like the one you shared with your recently departed wife, will involve some patience and understanding and possibly some reprogramming of old ways of looking at sex.  For example, performance issues are only a problem if you are expecting something of your body that it cannot deliver.  And if you date within your age group, you’ll find that all your peers will be just as familiar as you with dwindling physical capacities.

So ok, it’s gonna take considerably longer to get a hardon at your age — that’s a given.  This just means you need to take your time, increase and focus the stimulation and while your cock is taking its sweet time to point skyward, enjoy all the sensual pleasures coming your way in the meantime.  That last part is really difficult for us aging men folk.  Sometimes we concentrate so fiercely on gettin our dick hard that we miss all the great pleasuring stuff that is happening all around us.

Once you get your boner goin, I suggest that you add a little stiffy insurance.  Wear a cockring. If you don’t know what that is, check out my Sex Toy Review Site. Use the search function; type in “cockring” and presto!  You’ll find all kinds of information on these helpful little buggers.

I know a number of older men, particularly those with high blood pressure, who are unable to take erection-enhancing meds like Viagra, who are turning to penis pumps to get their wood started.  Not sure what a penis pump is or does.  Well, time to do more online research at my Sex Toy Review Site.  Again, use the search function; type in “penis pump” and presto!  Loads of information about these helpful tools will appear.

I’m hoping that when you say that you and your wife “had a comfortable life” together, where performance was never an issue that you’re telling me that your sex life wasn’t all about getting it up and getting it off.  Sexual pleasure can come through all kinds of sex play — touching, talking, and being physically close, oral sex as well as full on fucking.  I’d be willing to guess that your future partners will appreciate you being a fully sensual lover, not just a sexual performer.

Remember the proverbial cum shot is not the same thing as an orgasm. Lots of seasoned older men are able to be orgasmic without a full erection or an ejaculation.  You may even find that you are capable of several very satisfying mini orgasms instead of the one BIG-O of years past.  I encourage you not to fall into the trap of equating sexual functioning with manliness; that’s a dead end.

a113017_xlfThis challenging new phase in your life, daunting as it might be, can also be an exciting adventure of self-discovery.  You basically have permission to re-imagine and redefine what type of sexual expression suits you best at this stage in your life.  One good way of testing the waters, so to speak is to start with self-pleasuring.  This is the perfect opportunity to experiment with sexual performance enhancing toys like a cockring, vibrator or a penis pump.  If you haven’t done so already, why not discover the pleasures of your ass.  Happily, you don’t need an erection to enjoy some good old-fashioned butt play; your prostate will do all the work.

You may discover you have new or yet unexplored interests in other sexual expressions like role-playing, kink, or maybe even same-sex partners.  Just because your earlier life may have been pretty straight and vanilla, doesn’t mean it has to stay that way.  The more you know about your body and what turns you on, the more information you’ll be able to share with your partners.

Unabashedly sharing your newfound sexual experiences and interests with others will be the basis for your future partnered sexual expression. Know that other women and men of your age group are also rediscovering and reawakening their sexuality.  What a great joy it would be to explore the territory together.

I invite you to rekindle your natural curiosity about the wide range of human sexual expression. Take it slow. Learn to communicate effectively: share what makes you feel good with your partners and be sure to ask them what turns them on.  Don’t take yourself too seriously, and keep it playful.  And most of all, keep an open mind about all of this, will ya?

Good luck ya’ll

DDSTR