Not as simple as ‘no means no’

— what young people need to know about consent

By

A recent petition circulated by Sydney school girl Chanel Contos called for schools to provide better education on consent, and to do so much earlier.

In the petition, which since Thursday has been signed by more than 5,000 people, Contos writes that her school

… provided me with life changing education on consent for the first time in year 10. However, it happened too late and came with the tough realisation that amongst my friends, almost half of us had already been raped or sexually assaulted by boys from neighbouring schools.

So, what core information do young people need to know about consent? And is the Australian curriculum set up to teach it?

What’s in the curriculum?

This is not the first time young people have criticised their school programs. Year 12 student Tamsin Griffiths recently called for an overhaul to school sex education after speaking to secondary students throughout Victoria. She advocated for a program that better reflects contemporary issues.

Australia’s health and physical education curriculum does instruct schools to teach students about establishing and maintaining respectful relationships. The resources provided state all students from year 3 to year 10 should learn about matters including:

  • standing up for themselves
  • establishing and managing changing relationships (offline and online)
  • strategies for dealing with relationships when there is an imbalance of power (including seeking help or leaving the relationship)
  • managing the physical, social and emotional changes that occur during puberty
  • practices that support reproductive and sexual health (contraception, negotiating consent, and prevention of sexually transmitted infections and blood-borne viruses)
  • celebrating and respecting difference and diversity in individuals and communities.

Despite national guidance, there is wide variability in how schools interpret the curriculum, what topics they choose to address and how much detail they provide. This is further compounded by a lack of teacher training.

A study of students in South Australia and Victoria, along with repeated nationwide surveys of secondary students, have shown young people do consider school to be a trustworthy source of sex education. But most don’t believe the lessons have prepared them adequately for relationships and intimacy.

They want lessons that take into account diverse genders and sexualities, focus less on biology, and provide more detail about relationships, pleasure and consent.

The national curriculum also stops mandating these lessons after year 10 and many year 11 and 12 timetables are focused on university entrance exams or vocational learning opportunities. This means senior students have limited opportunity to receive formal sex education at a time when they really need it.

So, what should young people know about consent?

The term “consent” is often associated with sex, but it’s much broader than that. It relates to permission and how to show respect for ourselves and for other people. Consent should therefore be addressed in an age-appropriate way across all years of schooling.

Younger children can be taught about consent with relation to sharing toys.

The most important point about consent is that everyone should be comfortable with what they’re engaging in. If you are uncomfortable at any point, you have the right to stop. On the other side, if you see someone you are interacting with being uncomfortable, you need to check in with them to ensure they are enthusiastic about the activity, whatever it may be.

In the early years, students should be taught how to affirm and respect personal boundaries, using non-sexual examples like whether to share their toys or give hugs. It is also important they learn about public and private body parts and the importance of using correct terminology.

In later years, lessons should consider more intimate or sexual scenarios. This also includes consent and how it applies to the digital space.

Older students need to learn sexual activity is something to be done with someone, not to someone. Consent is a critical part of this process and it must be freely given, informed and mutual.

Consent isn’t about doing whatever we want until we hear the word “no”. Ideally we want all our sexual encounters to involve an enthusiastic “yes”.

But if your partner struggles to say the word “yes” enthusiastically, it is important to pay attention to body language and non-verbal cues. You should feel confident your partner is enjoying the activity as much as you are, and if you are ever unsure, stop and ask them.

Often this means checking in regularly with your partner.

Young people also need to know just because you have agreed to do something in the past, this does not mean you have to agree to do it again. You also have the right to change you mind at any time — even partway through an activity.

It’s not as simple as ‘no means no’

The most recent Australian survey of secondary school students highlighted that more than one-quarter (28.4%) of sexually active students reported an unwanted sexual experience. Their most common reasons for this unwanted sex was due to pressure from a partner, being intoxicated or feeling frightened.

We should be careful not to oversimplify the issue of consent. Sexual negotiation can be a difficult or awkward process for anyone — regardless of their age — to navigate.

Some academics have called for moving beyond binary notions of “yes means yes” and “no means no” to consider the grey area in the middle.

While criminal acts such as rape are perhaps easily understood by young people, teaching materials need to consider a broad spectrum of scenarios to highlight examples of violence or coercion. For example, someone having an expectation of sex because you’ve flirted, and making you feel guilty for leading them on.

When it comes to sexual activity, we should be clear that:

  • although the law defines “sex” as an activity that involves penetration, other sexual activities may be considered indecent assault
  • a degree of equality needs to exist between sexual partners and it is coercive to use a position of power or methods such as manipulation, trickery or bribery to obtain sex
  • a person who is incapacitated due to drugs or alcohol is not able to give consent
  • wearing certain clothes, flirting or kissing is not necessarily an invitation for other things.

We should also challenge gender stereotypes about who should initiate intimacy and who may wish to take things fast or slow. Healthy relationships involve a ongoing and collaborative conversation between both sexual partners about what they want.

Consent is sexy

A partner who actively asks for permission and respects your boundaries is showing they respect you and care about your feelings. It also leads to an infinitely more pleasurable sexual experience when both partners are really enjoying what they are doing.

It is important that lessons for older students focus on the positive aspects of romantic and sexual relationships.

They should encourage young people to consider what sorts of relationships they want for themselves and provide them with the skills, such as communication and empathy, to help ensure positive experiences.

Complete Article HERE!

How to Ask for What You Want Sexually

Doing so may improve your relationship.

By

Developing good communication is important in relationships, and that’s just as true when it comes to sex—which is why knowing how to describe what you want in bed is such a valuable skill.

Piping up about a new turn-on, or wanting to try new positions, can increase the intimacy between the two of you—or even rekindle the spark when you and a longtime partner have plateaued in the bedroom. If you’ve just started seeing each other, the newness of your bond provides a great opportunity to start a dialogue early, so that you both feel free to verbalize what you want sexually on an ongoing basis.

“The place where I normally start with patients is helping them get curious about what’s stopped them from asking for what they want in bed in the past,” says Casey Tanner, LCPC, a therapist specializing in relationship and sex therapy and expert for LELO toys. “Folks often will come in with apprehension and anxiety around asking their partner for something. This is especially true for people who were socialized as women, taught that we can’t take up space in that way.”

Sometimes, a fear they’ll bruise their partner’s ego holds them back, Tanner says. “Others are afraid to be judged,” she continues. Often, they don’t know how to answer the question even when they’re asked, “because they don’t even know what they want. So it’s important for people to name their communication barrier.”

No matter what’s kept you from making a sexual request to your partner, you can definitely learn how to do it proudly.

To ask for what you want in bed, start by lowering the stakes.

“You don’t have to be a hundred percent sure you’re going to love something in order to ask for it,” Tanner says. “Some people think, ‘if I ask for it, I better like it!” But how do we know we like it if we haven’t tried it yet?” It’s okay if you want to stop midway through if you’re not into something new—even if it was your idea.

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Tanner suggests framing it by saying a version of this: “There’s something I’d love to try with you,” because “that leaves room for, ‘hey we’re trying this together. I’m not committing to wanting this as a part of my sex life forever, it’s just something I want to try.”

Know when to ask in the moment, and when to wait.

“For things such as small adjustments or changing a technique slightly, asking in the moment is totally appropriate,” says Tanner. Commands like “harder,” “slower” “faster,” “a little to the right,” for example.

When you’re introducing something brand-new, like experimenting with sex toys or anal sex, you definitely want to broach the idea before you’re in the heat of the moment, maybe during date night. “If it’s something that’s going to require a nuanced conversation about consent—kink or BSDM, for example—those are the requests that you want to bring up in a non-sexual context.”

If you’re afraid to hurt their feelings…

Be sure to start from a place of praise, says Taylor Sparks, sex educator and founder of pleasure site OrganicLoven. During one of those outside-the-bedroom conversations, she says, “what I like to do with my partners is to say something like, ‘You know what I really like? When you do this, this, and this. And you know what I’d like even more?'”

Describe what you want as specifically as you can, Sparks says (she uses the example of asking your partner to move their tongue up and down during oral sex, as opposed to side to side). “Once you’re in bed and they’re doing what they normally do, you’ve already planted the seed about what you want,” she says. So when they’re down there, you can say, “this is a great time for the up-and-down!”

Avoid words like “always” and “never.”

“Sometimes when we’re looking to get what we want, we confuse it with what we don’t want, and the approach to our partner can be, ‘You’re not doing it right!'” Sparks says. In the spirit of asking with appreciative enthusiasm, playful suggestions are hot. Sharp criticism is not. Tanner recommends making it a point to stay away from phrases like “you always do this,” or “you never do this.”

If you’re nervous, say so.

If you’re anxious about asking, you don’t have to pretend that you’re not. “You might say, ‘I’m new to sharing what I want during sex, so this is a little anxiety-provoking for me’,” Tanner suggests. “By just sharing that feeling with their partner, they’re also letting their partner know, ‘this is vulnerable for me, and I need you to hear this.’”

Share your “why.”

Do you know why you want to try it? “The answer doesn’t have to be complex—it could just be it sounds hot, or you’re curious, or you love doing it when you masturbate,” says Tanner. “Often, our go-to when someone gives us feedback is to think we’ve been doing something wrong. Sharing that ‘why’ helps your partner know this isn’t criticism.”

Show them with your hand.

If there’s a very specific way you’d like your partner to switch up their style during oral sex, and the words to describe it are failing you, try a nonverbal approach. Taking their hand, use your tongue on the sensitive skin between their thumb and index finger, showing them the type of speed, pressure, and technique you need to take you over the edge.

If they ask what you like in bed, and you don’t know how to answer…

You might have some self exploration to do, perhaps with the help of a good vibrator (fun!). But if it’s because you’re drawing a blank in the face of an open-ended question, Sparks suggests turning the q back to your partner. “Ask them, ‘what do you like to do with a partner in bed?’ And that gives you a moment to think about it.”

As they voice what they like, you can chime in when something excites you, too. “Now you’re kind of making your list off of theirs,” Sparks continues. When they name something that doesn’t intrigue you, try a “hmm.” “That doesn’t mean you agree or disagree. It just means you’ve heard them, and you acknowledge it.”

Return the favor.

After you’ve shared, Tanner recommends that you show curiosity in your partner’s pleasure by asking if there’s anything they would like to try (if you haven’t learned it already from your ‘what do you like in bed?’ conversation).

Don’t take a “no” personally.

The potential sting of rejection can loom large. “I think there’s so much shame around this conversation,” Tanner says. “It’s so easy to jump to, ‘I’m bad, this request is bad, what I want is wrong.’ But all it really means is that it’s not something this person wants as part of their sex life—it has nothing to do with who you are.”

And when we do get a no, “we have to ask how important it is to us,” Tanner adds. “Is this a need, or a want?”

Consider when it’s time to consult a therapist.

If you’ve tried everything, and your partner has yet to incorporate your feedback, “at that stage, it’s become a communication issue,” Tanner says. It could be a misunderstanding, or there could be something blocking your partner’s willingness to follow through. “You might say something like, ‘we’ve had this conversation a couple times, and it seems like maybe there’s a disconnect. Can you share what’s maybe holding you back?'”

If you’ve asked them to stop doing something and they won’t, Tanner says, that’s a consent issue. Alternately, “if you’ve asked for something new, it may be a discrepancy in the kind of sex that each of you desire,” she adds. In either event, it may be time to consider visiting a couple’s therapist or sex therapist to facilitate those conversations.

Ultimately, you and your partner share a goal: Enjoying your sexual experience with each other. “It’s not about a problem,” Tanner says. “It’s about potential.”

Complete Article HERE!

How to Enjoy Sex After a Dry Spell

Get past any awkward moments and on to the orgasm.

By Rachel Zar, LMFT

When it’s been a while since you last had sex, jumping back into the sack can be downright scary. And that’s a natural reaction: Having sex makes us vulnerable, is intimate, and can send our brains into protection mode, dreaming up every worst-case scenario. I’m a relationship and sex therapist, and I’ve heard the gamut of worries from clients—that a new partner will judge their body or their skills, or that the old “use it or lose it” refrain is true for their sexuality, or that it will simply be awkward.

Reentering the sexual realm, however, doesn’t have to be intimidating. Whether you and your partner have been going through a dry spell or you’re starting fresh with someone new, here are a few ways to prep for the big moment.

1. Explore your body.

One of the best ways to remind yourself what it feels like to be sexual is to create opportunities for masturbation. Take some time alone in bed or in the shower or tub to explore your body, let yourself fantasize, and reconnect with your sexual self. If your body has changed since last you were here (maybe you’ve given birth or are going through perimenopause), use this opportunity to be curious about new ways you may experience pleasure. The better a sense you have of what feels best for you, the more you’ll be able to get aroused and help your partner help you.

2. Get out of your own head.

Much of the work I do with clients is helping them get out of their heads and into their bodies when it comes to sex. When you’re worrying about what your partner thinks of your thighs or what you’re going to have for dinner later, it can be hard to catch pleasurable feelings when they arise.

Mindfulness meditation may help: Studies show that it can reduce anxiety during sex and increase pleasure. So download an app like Headspace or Calm and dedicate 10 minutes a day to breathing and being in your body. It may just become the most important tool in your sexual toolbox (even better than a vibrator, I swear).

3. Set the scene.

Some advance thought can help you feel that much sexier in the moment, so consider what helps set the mood for you. Do you like bright or dim lighting? Background music or silence? Do you feel more confident in lacy lingerie or a T-shirt? Also, gather any props (like your favorite lubricant) so they’ll be on hand and you won’t need to scramble.

4. Focus on exploration vs. performance.

When you’re feeling anxious about getting the deed done, you may have the urge to rush toward the finish line. But giving yourself permission to take it slowly will help keep the pressure off (and that’s key, because pressure is a huge libido killer!).

My advice is to have a conversation with your partner in advance to set the tone and expectations. Instead of trying to go “all the way” the first time you reintroduce intimacy, start with some foreplay—like a sensual massage or some good old-fashioned making out—then allow things to build, or not. Remember, there are lots of ways to have sex. Focus more on exploration and play than performance and orgasm, and you’ll be setting yourself up for success.

Complete Article HERE!

How Parents Can Talk With Their Teens About Sex and Consent

By Shafia Zaloom

Exploring sexuality with others can be scary, confusing, and thrilling, and digital devices make every interaction more consequential. Consent must be given in person, during sexual activity, and whenever a new form of sexual activity is initiated. Many young people communicate and establish relationships through technology. This may provide a false sense of knowing someone, intimacy, or readiness to engage in a sexual relationship. With all of the abbreviations young people use (hu = hookup, wbu = what about you, dtr = define the relationship, etc.), they are in many ways abbreviating relationships. It is important to consider that the only way to truly know if you are comfortable and ready to be sexually active with someone is to actually spend time with them.

As adults, we can talk to teenagers about knowing whether they can trust someone and are ready to be more intimate. This means considering whether they are comfortable discussing issues such as consent, how far they want to go, what they are ready to do, etc. If their partner pressures, manipulates, or guilt-­trips them into activities they don’t feel ready for, they should consider whether this is a relationship they want to continue.

Sex educator, speaker, author, and my personal rock star, Emily Nagoski, has a beautiful garden metaphor I use with my students to deepen their understanding of consent within the context of their sexuality. It goes like this: When you’re born, you’re given a little plot of rich, fertile soil, slightly different from everyone else’s (a.k.a. your brain and your body). Your family and culture (the immediate and broader communities you’re a part of) plant seeds and tend the garden. They also teach you how to tend it. Those seeds are the language, attitudes, knowledge, and habits about love and safety, bodies, and sex.

Each garden is unique and has different needs depending on the vegetation those seeds yield. Some gardens may require extra sunlight and water, some may need extra fertilizer or shade, some may be drought-­tolerant or need extra vigilance when it comes to weeding out toxic and invasive species. Over time, as you become an adolescent, you start to take on the responsibility of tending your own garden. While discovering what’s in your garden, what it needs, and how to take care of it, you get to choose what gets pulled out and what gets to stay.

Consent is having the agency to decide who gets to enter your garden and what will happen while you’re there together. It’s the option to choose whether someone comes in and how they behave while they are there—­do they play and frolic, or stomp and trample? Consent determines how long they get to stay, and whether they get to plant something or take anything with them when they leave. You should ask before entering someone else’s garden. Honor it because it’s theirs. And anyone you let into your garden should help it thrive.

Parent–­Teen Conversation Starters

My students give me the best advice for how to approach conversations with teenagers. Be concise and focused. Allow your teen to guide the conversation. Talk less and listen more. It’s OK to say “I don’t know.” Stay open to different perspectives. Avoid letting the conversation become a family debate. Worry less about what your teen is doing and more about how they feel about it. Have many smaller conversations over time in different contexts. My students also emphasize the importance of selecting questions from the list below that will resonate with your own teenager. Every teen is unique and up to different things and dealing with different issues, so be selective with the questions you choose.

In your own words, what is consent? What are some examples of consent that come up in everyday life?

What’s the value of consent? How does it relate to healthy relationships?

What are some examples of asking for consent?

What does it feel like when someone doesn’t respect your right to choose for yourself? How do/can you respond?

How can you connect your understanding of everyday consent to sexual consent?

Why are some people trying to change the notion of consent from “no means no” to “yes means yes”? What is the difference, and do you agree or disagree?

What are some examples of consensual questions for the following: asking someone out; deciding how you’re going to spend time together; or being sexually intimate with someone?

What are the circumstances in which consent cannot be given?

What are some important characteristics of a sexual relationship beyond consent?

Resources: Everyday Feminism magazine has a helpful online comic strip titled What If We Treated All Consent Like Society Treats Sexual Consent?

Straight Answers to Teen Questions

Why is “yes means yes” better than “no means no”?

“Yes means yes” comes from the media’s coverage of recent affirmative consent laws (“affirmative” is the legal language used that requires someone to ask for agreement to initiate a level of intimacy). Until affirmative consent laws were created, the phrase “no means no” reflected widely held thinking around consent and sexual assault. It meant that if someone said no to a sexual act, the person initiating the activity should respect that boundary and stop what they are doing. This is still important. If someone doesn’t want to engage in a sexual act, they can say no and the other person should stop or it might be considered sexual assault.

“Yes means yes” is an improvement on “no means no,” because “no means no” assumes yes until that person expresses their discomfort by literally saying the word no. Ideally, all people would feel comfortable and confident enough during a sexual encounter to say no. Unfortunately, that isn’t always the case, especially with young people. Asking for affirmative consent, if the question truly allows for either answer, expresses respect and care for a partner’s sexual experience. It is also more positive because it affirms desire and hopefully leads to better sexual communication. It is the kind of communication that ideally should happen during sex and in healthy relationships. Beyond yes is enthusiastic consent, which means not only does the other person agree to what you’re doing together, but also they genuinely desire it and they’re excited about it.

What would be considered “another level of intimacy”?

An example of another level of intimacy might be going from making out with someone to taking their clothes off, or when two people are feeling each other up and one reaches into the other’s pants. Another example is when someone goes from intimate touching to moving down the other person’s body to give oral sex. Different people experience different levels of intimacy in different sexual situations. Some people may feel that kissing is more intimate than genital touching. Others may think that genital-­to-­genital intercourse is more intimate than oral intercourse. It depends on the person, so ask and pay attention to how your partner responds.

Do I have to ask for consent even if I’m really close to the person?

Yes, you must ask for consent even if you’re really close to your sexual partner. A preexisting relationship does not equal consent. There are many benefits to knowing your partner. In a healthy relationship, trust and care are built over time. This allows for both partners to communicate without fear of being judged. Sometimes, consent is wordless between people who know each other really well. Communication happens with body language, facial expression, and pleasurable sounds. Still, paying attention to context is important for everyone. The context or circumstances that surround the sexual activity can change within moments and may influence how someone feels sexually, and it is important to understand that context may influence consent. And if the consent is wordless, the partners involved must be attentive to each other and make sure that whatever is happening between them is something they both want.

When do I have the right to say no? When is it socially acceptable?

You have the right to say no at any time in a relationship or within a sexual experience. The answer to the second question will likely vary depending on who you talk to. We live in a sex-­negative culture (one that focuses on objectification, sexualization, sex stigma, and body-­shaming) that doesn’t always promote healthy perspectives on sexuality, especially for young people. It may seem and feel like you have to say yes because that is what you see in the media or what you hear from your friends. A sex-­positive and sexually healthy society would make it socially acceptable to say no to sexual activity whenever you feel you want or need to. Remember that you are under no obligation to engage in behavior you don’t feel ready for, no matter the circumstances.

There are different ways to say no that you may want to consider. Within any type of relationship, be clear with your no. If you are in a healthy relationship, engage in a conversation with care and respect, so you can talk through what you’re both thinking and feeling. What your partner wants matters. Being a considerate and generous lover is mature and responsible. Encouraging people to talk openly about consent, and the ability to say yes and no, benefits everyone. Everyone deserves that kind of respect from a partner, and it makes for a healthier relationship.

If you are saying no in a hookup situation, be clear and assertive. If you and your partner are engaged in a respectful sexual encounter and care about each other’s experience, it should be OK to engage in open and honest dialogue. You could say, “I’m not comfortable with that but would be comfortable with [activity].” If your partner only seems to care about getting off physically and doesn’t consider your experience, then be clear and direct with your no and end the hookup. Bottom line: you have the right to say no.

Can someone give consent if they are drunk?

No. The legal language of affirmative consent legislation for being drunk or intoxicated is “incapacitated.” A person cannot give consent if they are incapacitated, which means they aren’t able to think clearly because they are under the influence of a substance or drug (alcohol is considered a drug). The point at which someone becomes incapacitated is different depending on many variables, including genetics, size, tolerance, how much of a substance they consumed, what kind of substance they consumed, when and how they took the substance, if they had recently eaten, or if the substance had an additional substance in it. If someone reports a nonconsensual experience and the people involved were incapacitated, the police or authorities on a school’s campus (if it took place at school) will investigate to determine whether the people involved were incapacitated and if this impacted the situation.

If I send a nude or “dick pic,” does that count as consent?

No. You cannot give consent to sexual activity over a phone or other digital device, especially if you are under the age of eighteen. Nudes do not equal consent. In fact, unless someone asks for a nude photo, it can be considered sexual harassment. And if you’re under eighteen, taking sexually explicit photos of yourself and “sexting”—­sending nude photos—­is considered trafficking in child pornography and is against federal law. Some states have teen sexting laws to deal with this common issue because the consequences for teens who violate federal law can be severe. Remember, too, that what is on your device and what you send to others is essentially public. Just because the photos disappear from your phone doesn’t mean that someone didn’t screenshot and forward or save them. If you send a nude photo, you should expect that it will probably become public at some point and may be circulated. Would you want your family, employer, college admissions officer, or future romantic interest to see it? Probably not.

What if I’m comfortable doing something sexual with a guy but not a girl?

Your body belongs to you; you get to choose how to touch and be touched. The guidelines are the same for managing what’s going on while you explore sexuality with someone, regardless of gender. No matter the person and how they identify, it’s important to communicate your desires and limitations and to listen and ask for theirs. Mutual respect doesn’t depend on how someone identifies. Communicate with a potential sexual partner in the moment. If they are safe and OK to be with you sexually, it’s OK to do what you want and don’t want. Period.

Isn’t it OK to push just a little to try to persuade someone to go further? I’m not going to force someone, of course, but what if they just need a little convincing?

Nope. Not OK to push even just a little. The need for any sort of persuasion makes the situation nonconsensual. Coercion, or saying things like “C’mon, it’ll feel good,” “Just relax, don’t worry about it,” “If you like me you’ll do this,” or “Everyone does this, what’s wrong with you?” is not consent. Adding social power or leverage to the dynamic is also not consent. Saying things like “C’mon, don’t you want to be first pick of the team next year? You know I’m the captain,” “If you don’t do this, I’ll have to post those pictures you sent me,” or “You don’t want everyone to know you’re gay, do you?” is not consent. It is coercive and exploitive. It is manipulative, unhealthy, bullyish, and disrespectful to pressure someone into second-­guessing themselves and compromising their emotional and physical safety; if taken too far it can even constitute assault.

Can consensual sex be regrettable?

Yes. If consent is asked for and given, without the influence of substances, the impairment of a mental or physical disability, coercion or age disparity (one partner is over eighteen, the other is under eighteen), then the sex is legal. Just because the sex is legal, however, doesn’t mean it’s right. If it isn’t consented to for the right reasons—­for instance, someone wasn’t ready, the sex wasn’t physically or emotionally safe, or someone else’s well-­being is impacted (like a friend is betrayed)—­someone may regret having participated in it. Legal sex is not necessarily ethical or “good” sex. Ethical sex is legal and takes into account the well-­being of the participants and others who may be impacted by their actions. Good sex is legal, ethical, and feels pleasurable and satisfying for both partners. To avoid regrettable albeit consensual sex, make sure you choose to engage in sexual activity for your right reasons.

Complete Article HERE!

How to ask for what you want (in bed)

Having great sex is not a privilege for the few. Everyone should feel able to have pleasurable and intimate sex in the way they want – whether that’s with someone you are in a long-term relationship with, or if it’s with someone you’ve just met or hooked up with.

But let’s be honest, talking about your sexual desires may feel like something that’s hard to do. For many gay men who’ve lived alongside the HIV epidemic for decades, the double challenge of negotiating safety and pleasure has left us feeling like we need to choose one or the other.

We want to tell you that this shouldn’t be the case. New ways to feel empowered about your health (HIV testing, being ‘undetectable’, PrEP) have radically altered relationships and the sexual dynamics between men. But even with these new strategies it can still be hard to prioritise sexual desires and ask for what you want in bed.

In our new video, we give you some practical tips on how to ask for what you want in bed. You can also listen to Alex Garner, Senior Health Innovation Strategist at Hornet, and Alex Liu filmmaker, writer and sex expert of @Asexplanation, chat about all thing sex, shame and communicating everything you want to do in bed, in our new video for Talking HIV

Find out more about the other videos in our gay sexual health series.

Not Sexually Compatible With Your Partner?

Here’s How To Work On It.


By Caroline Colvin

A couple’s compatibility doesn’t hinge on just one thing. Compatibility takes into account a couple’s habits, interests, attraction, and the effort both partners are willing to put into their relationship (among so many other factors). Sex is one important part of an even bigger compatibility “whole,” but it’s not everything, nor is it the most important part of a relationship for every couple. Nevertheless, a healthy sex life is a priority for some, and if you feel like you’re not sexually compatible with your partner, you might feel a little discouraged. But don’t panic, your relationship isn’t doomed. There are a few solutions you and your partner can consider to help make your sexual relationship work.

Dr. Carol Queen, staff sexologist at sex toy company Good Vibrations, explains that sexual incompatibility tends to become an issue because of the taboo around sex. If you and your partner don’t talk about sex openly and comfortably before you become super committed, you might not even realize how different your sexual tastes are.

“We talk about sex like there’s a ‘normal’ baseline. There isn’t!” Queen tells Elite Daily. “As long as we’re not imposing on someone else coercively or non-consensually, we all have a right to our sexuality. It’s not a problem that we’re different. It’s a problem that we don’t understand that’s one element of partner compatibility to consider.”

Queen recommends three possible solutions: taking care of your sexual satisfaction through masturbation, opening up your relationship so you can see other people with whom you’re more sexually compatible, or asking your partner to work on becoming more compatible with you. “The most effective way to do this is probably to see a sex therapist together, though there are other things you can do instead if that isn’t an option,” Queen says.

For starters, she recommends not having this conversation while in bed. “Do it over a quiet dinner, a glass of wine — but not a lot of glasses. This isn’t a good mix with inebriation, or on a walk. Don’t spring the conversation on them,” Queen says. “Ask for some of their time to discuss something important.”

Then, let your partner know that it doesn’t seem like you two are a perfect fit in terms of your desires. For example, this could be a matter of your partner having kinky tastes while you prefer something a little more traditional, or vice versa. Your dissatisfaction might stem from the fact that your partner might not be able to help you orgasm, or perhaps they have a lower sex drive than you. There could be several reasons you feel this incompatibility. Tell your partner how you feel and then ask them what they think.

You might find that they agree with you and are willing to work on your sexual compatibility together. This starts with honest communication about your sexuality, including boundaries and priorities. According to Queen, one concrete way to approach this is by sitting down with your partner and creating individual “Yes, No, Maybe” lists. In the “Yes” category, you would write down all the things you already know you like and want to make a regular part of your sex life. In the “Maybe” category, you would write the things you’d be willing to try. And finally, in the “No” category, you would write the things you don’t want to do. From there, you and your SO would avoid everything on your “No” lists, and work to find common ground on the “Yes” and “Maybe” lists.

“If you and your partner can talk openly about these kinds of things, you can pretty likely find a sweet spot of activities you both enjoy,” says Queen.

If you find that you or your partner have one non-negotiable turn-on or kink that the other refuses to try, try not to panic. Queen admits this isn’t an “easy fix,” and describes the situation as one that has “led many couples to therapy, to open their relationships, or to even break up.” Nevertheless, “if you can communicate clearly and lovingly about your differences, you have a head start,” she says. Talk it out to work it out.

Ultimately, whether it’s the sex you’re having now or something new you try out in the future, make sure you’re having sex because you want to. You should never feel like you need to have a type of sex that you don’t want to just to keep a partner, Queen says.

If you and your SO are interested in opening your relationship, Queen says you’ll “need to make sure you are caught up on your communication skills, can handle jealousy, time management, and all the things you need to be good at to successfully have an open relationship or a polyamorous one.”

A book many sexperts (Queen included) recommend is Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton. “I promise you the book is wise and worthwhile,” Queen says. You can also sit down with your partner and make “Yes, No, Maybe” lists for polyamorous relationships too.

Talking about sex can be tough. It’s why you might find yourself dating someone long-term who you’re not sexually compatible with. You and your partner might need some time to process the discussion, especially if it was difficult on you, and that’s OK.

If after you have this discussion “your partner just won’t hear you and denies what you’re saying and experiencing, that’s a red flag,” says Queen. “In a situation like this, therapy is called for. Breaking up might even be called for. If a partner denies your perspective is even real, and does not commit to work on the relationship, you may not be in a situation that can be improved.”

It might feel like a serious bummer, but try to remember that you deserve a happy, healthy sex life, and if your partner’s not willing give that to you, you shouldn’t be afraid to find someone who will.

No matter what you and your partner end up doing, it’s important that you talk through your issues. Queen says that not talking about them can prompt problematic relationship behaviors, like affairs or faking pleasure. Talking to your partner isn’t a 100% guarantee that all of your problems in the bedroom will be solved, but it’s a start, and it’s also one solid, brave, healthy step you can take to work on your relationship before calling it quits all together.

Complete Article HERE!

Here Are 6 Lessons I Wish I Could Give My Younger Self About Sex

After years of study in the field of sexuality, there are countless things I wish I’d known about sex when I was first getting busy.

By Gigi Engle

As is my usual Monday gym ritual, I was on the elliptical with one of my good friends, discussing her love life. She’s in her early 30s and finds herself regularly facing down the barrel of dating peril: Tinder dates and emotionally stunted f*ckboys in the all-too-often depressing single scene in Chicago.

As she told me of yet another lackluster hookup, I found myself waxing poetic about anatomy, the need for egalitarian sexual etiquette, and other basic sexual health advice that I find myself regularly giving to my friends. I find it rather vexing that my close friends—friends who have access to me and the wealth of my sexual health knowledge—are still asking the most rudimentary sex-ed questions.

It got me thinking about the women who don’t have a sexuality educator at their disposal whenever they need a lube recommendation. While it might be slightly annoying to answer questions I consider basic, that doesn’t mean other people think they’re basic. After all, as a society, we’re still pretty backward about sex, and when I was first starting to understand my own sexuality, I was pretty backward too. I’m still learning to this day, no matter how much of an “expert” I think I am. (Related: I Tried a 30-Day Sex Challenge to Revive My Marriage’s Boring Sex Life)

While there isn’t an “end” to learning about sexuality (both my own and in general), there are countless things I wish I’d known about sex when I first started getting busy in my teen years. I sincerely hope that these lessons will help other women looking to own their power and enjoy their sexuality to the fullest—even if they don’t have a sexologist BFF.

1. Your clitoris the key to your pleasure.

Man, if someone had just explained what a clitoris was when I was growing up! Maybe I wouldn’t have spent the vast majority of my teens and early twenties wondering why intercourse isn’t making me scream with pleasure.

The powerhouse of female pleasure is the clitoris. It contains 8,000 nerve endings (!), while the vaginal canal has nearly no touch-sensitive nerve endings at all—and that’s why orgasms don’t happen during intercourse for the vast majority of women. So if you’re one of the many people who wonder why you can’t orgasm during sex (I get that question in my inbox nearly every week), it’s probably because you’re not paying attention to this majorly important area. Get the clitoris involved, girl! That’s how you’ll make that O happen. (Try one of these sex positions for clitoral stimulation or get a partner-friendly vibrator involved.)

2. Experiment with G-spot wands and see what that’s like for you.

With that being said, I didn’t know jack squat about the G-spot until I became a professional sex researcher. I had been told, by porn and other non-scientific sources, that the G-spot was either A) a myth or B) was located inside the vaginal canal and should magically give all women orgasms during (mostly useless) sexual intercourse.

Once again, a thorough understanding of what the G-spot is would have made my sex life a whole lot more interesting. If I could tell my younger self anything, I’d say to experiment with G-spot wands, sister! You’re not going to find it by sticking a penis up there, since your G-spot is curved up behind the pubic bone. Do it yourself, and see if sensation around this area feels good to you. (Here’s a full guide on how to find your G-spot and maybe even have a G-spot orgasm.)

And what’s more, it’s totally OK if you’re not into it—G-spot stimulation isn’t for everyone, (Imagine!!! To be a sexually explorative woman without the shame and guilt of not being able to orgasm like fictional porn characters.)

3. Masturbate ALL the time.

Masturbate. Masturbate yourself to the high heavens, my friends. Masturbation is normal and healthy (and objectively awesome). You need to learn what brings your body pleasure in order to have better sex. Studies have even shown that masturbating makes your libido higher, your vaginal lubrication more plentiful, and even makes you more likely to want to engage in partnered sex. (And there are even more benefits of masturbation for your health!)

Orgasms are amazing and you deserve to have as many as you want, forever and always. No, you can’t get addicted to your vibrator. That is a myth. Go forth, get that self-love action, and have fun with your gorgeous body. Go! Go now!

4. Your orgasm comes first.

There is this wild, pervasive idea that women are supposed to prioritize their partner’s pleasure while ignoring their own. It is damaging and, frankly, super messed up. Dear Younger Gigi (and all women everywhere): Your orgasm is the priority. You are not to expect anything less than sexual pleasure and fulfillment in all sexual experiences. (Related: How to Have an Orgasm Every Time, According to Science)

Yes, this includes casual encounters. It doesn’t matter what kind of relationship or non-relationship you’re in; every sexual experience should be positive, wherein your pleasure is considered critical to the success of the hookup. End of story.

5. YOU are responsible for your orgasm.

That said, it is you, not your partner, who is responsible for your orgasm. Ask for what you want. If you’ve been masturbating (like I hope you have), you know how you like to be touched and what brings you pleasure. Don’t fake orgasms to please someone, don’t “take what you get,” and don’t just lie there like a dead fish and wonder why you didn’t see stars in the wake of orgasmic bliss.

Communicate what you need to have an orgasm. Be kind and gentle with your partner. We all feel vulnerable during sex. We all just want to do a good job and have orgasms. If your partner is a jerk to you because you asked for what you need to orgasm, don’t hook up with that person. Ever.

Remember that orgasm doesn’t happen during every single sexual experience, either—and that’s really okay! Don’t put so much pressure on yourself to “finish.” This isn’t a race. It’s sex! And sex should be fun. Focus on enjoying pleasure. If you have an orgasm, great. If your needs were met, you felt safe, and your partner did everything they could to make sure you had a positive experience, that’s great too.

6. Enjoy your sexuality.

Lastly, be a slut if you want to be a slut. This whole idea of “slut” as a negative way to describe a woman who has a lot of sex is just something the Patriarchy made up to keep you down. Enjoy your sexuality. Have as much or as little sex as your heart desires. Go out there and do your thing. Shame is such a waste of time when you’re out here trying to live your best life. (Just don’t forget to do it safely.)

Complete Article HERE!

The 5 things sex therapists want people to know

Female pleasure is equally as important as men’s

By Chelsea Ritschel

Millennials may be dating less, but that doesn’t mean they are any less interested in sex. 

In reality, sex is an important and often integral part of relationships for people of all ages, sexual orientations, and genders.

However, whether you consider yourself sexually experienced or are exploring sex for the first time, there are certain things that everyone should know when it comes to sex, according to sex therapists.

Sex therapy is a type of talk therapy intended to help couples resolve a range of sexual issues, from psychological and personal factors to medical hurdles.

Stephen Snyder MD, host of the Relationship Doctor podcast on QDT Network and author of Love Worth Making, told The Independent that the first thing anyone engaging in sex should know is that sex “is about more than just sex.”

According to Dr Snyder, couples frequently encounter an issue where they only become aroused together “if sex is on the menu”.

In comparison, the happiest couples, according to Dr Snyder, are actually those who engage in something called “simmering”.

“The happiest couples enjoy feeling excited together even when it’s not going to lead to sex,” Dr Snyder said. “In sex therapy, we call this ‘simmering’.

Simmering is essentially extended foreplay, “like what most teenage couples do in-between classes. Clothes on but definitely erotic”, Dr Snyder told us. “Simmering tends to keep the fire lit – so when you actually do have sex, you’re not starting off cold.”

This can mean engaging in foreplay such as kissing or rubbing, without intending for it to lead to sex. 

Foreplay is especially important because it prepares the body both physically and psychologically for when you do have sex.

Dr Snyder also told us that he wants people to know that “not all orgasms are created equal” – and that couples should aim to enjoy sex without focusing solely on reaching orgasm.

“Ideally, orgasm should be like dessert: a great way to end a fabulous meal, but hardly the reason you went out to dinner,” he said.

However, when it does come to orgasms, Sari Cooper, a sex therapist and the director of Centre for Love and Sex, wants women to know that “their pleasure and orgasms are equally as important as their partner’s”.

According to a 2017 study published in The Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 37 per cent of American women require clitoral stimulation to experience orgasm, compared with just 18 per cent of women who said that vaginal penetration alone is enough.

In comparison, one study found that men reach orgasm 85 per cent of the time.

Cooper also told us it is important for women to know that sex should not include pain. While there are various reasons that a woman may be experiencing pain during sex, with dryness the most common cause, that does not mean it is not normal, and those who do experience pain should seek professional help.

Finally, Cooper wants people to be aware of what she calls “sex esteem” – a term she coined to “articulate a person’s knowledge and acceptance of their desires and skills needed to express these to a partner”.

To achieve a healthy and fulfilling sex life, it is essential that you are able to discuss what you want from a partner, which starts with first understanding your own body, sexuality and desires.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

How To Support A Partner Who’s Dealing With A Low Sex Drive

By Vanessa Marin, M.S.

Most couples at some point find themselves in a situation where there’s a desire discrepancy: One partner wants more sex than the other person does. This situation is so common that I regularly have people coming to my sex therapy practice looking for solutions. The good news is that there are many!

Research has found many reasons some people might be or become less interested in sex, from the psychological to the physical to the relational and situational. Most conversations around mismatched libidos focus on helping the partner with less sexual desire find ways to get turned on again, and while that can certainly be part of a couple’s path toward a satisfying sexual life together, that strategy on its own can sometimes add more stress and pressure for that less libidinous partner.

If you’re someone whose significant other or spouse has a lower libido, your focus should go beyond just trying to find ways to turn your partner on. As a sex therapist who supports couples with mismatched libidos, I recommend a more holistic approach. Here are a few key ways to support a partner dealing with a low libido that’s causing them distress:

Be very attentive and considerate of your partner’s insecurities.

It’s really important to know that the person dealing with desire difficulties is probably judging themselves. They may think that something is wrong with them or that they’re “broken” in some way. So the partner who has the relatively higher desire needs to be kind and sensitive. All couples should approach their sex lives as a project that they work on together. They should talk about what they each need out of their sex lives to feel connected.

Use the framework of curiosity.

Oftentimes, the partner with seemingly lower desire is misunderstood. It’s not that they have low or no desire; it’s that the right circumstances haven’t been in place for their desire to be able to show itself. Approach your partner with curiosity. What kinds of contexts do they need to feel desire? What blockages get in the way of them feeling desire? If you don’t know, what dynamics could you experiment with?

It’s OK to keep initiating.

You’re always allowed to ask for what you want from your partner. And your partner is always allowed to say what they want in response. I do encourage partners with the relatively higher sex drive to keep initiating.

The pattern I typically see is that the partner with the higher sex drive will stop initiating. They’re either hurt from being turned down, wanting to feel desired by their partner, or wanting to not pressure their partner. But not initiating feels even more stifling, so the partner with the relatively higher desire starts to feel resentful. The partner with the lower desire can sense that resentment, and it makes them pull away even more.

Remember that your partner doesn’t owe you anything.

I hear various forms of this question being asked: Is the person with the lower libido responsible for agreeing to sex every now and then to satisfy their partner?

We have to be really careful about the word “responsible.” You never have to do anything with your own body that you don’t want to do. You never “owe” your partner anything. That being said, in relationships, we often do things for our partners that we don’t necessarily want to do or love doing. If you feel fully allowed within your relationship to say “no” to sex, you may find that you sometimes have the space to be open to being intimate with your partner, even if you weren’t originally in the mood.

Celebrate and honor your partner’s no.

As I mentioned above, if you give full permission to say no to sex, you’ll find that more space actually opens up for intimacy. One of the best ways to support a partner with a lower sex drive is to truly and fully give them permission to say no. Keep reminding them over and over again that you don’t want them to feel guilty, and you don’t want them to feel any pressure. If you take the teamwork approach to your sex life that I mentioned above, that also really helps. You take the energy you would normally waste feeling guilty and instead turn it toward creative problem-solving, together.

Prioritize your intimate relationship with yourself.

You can handle some of your own sexual needs! We should each have a relationship with our own sexuality, separate from our relationship with our partner. When your partner is the only outlet for your sexual needs, that puts a lot of pressure on them. You having a joyful relationship with your own body and being able to take care of yourself makes a big difference to your partner. They may even be open to keeping you company while you take care of yourself!

Creating an environment of safety, support, and curiosity—rather than pressure, stress, or resentment—will go a long way toward helping you and your partner develop a mutually satisfying sex life.

Complete Article HERE!

How to Be an Ethical Hookup Partner

Because hooking up doesn’t have to be devoid of feelings.

By

Hookup culture,” especially as it plays out on college campuses, is a much-discussed topic. Often, hooking up is studied and speculated about like it’s some kind of sexual epidemic, or at the very least, the outcast of sexual intimacy: Is it increasing or decreasing? Perpetuated by dating apps? Gendered? Dangerous? Sure, hookup culture and the many ways we have and experience sex is worth studying and having opinions about, but it can’t be that all hookups are bad or blah.

Despite the often-negative press, hookups, or, short term sexual/intimate encounters, like one-night stands, summer flings, and semester-long friends-with-benefits relationships, can come with a lot of descriptors: “casual,” “fun,” “random,” and “spontaneous” can be some, but can they also be ethical, considerate, and satisfying? We think yes!

Determining whether or not something is officially ethical can be confusing work, as ethics tend to rely both on our individual values and also what society deems ethical — which might not always align. Get your conservative, married-for-50-years grandfather and your liberal, nonmonogamous LGBTQ+ friends at the same dinner table and ask what makes for an “ethical sexual encounter” and you’ll likely get very different responses from each of them (and if anyone ever does do this, please let me know how it goes).

Regardless of what your hookup entails (making out, oral sex, penetrative sex_ or whether you met via a dating app, a party, or a chance meeting with a beautiful stranger — hookups tend to be understood as uniquely separate from a relationship in that they are typically described as being casual or short term and require minimal official commitment between the people involved. For some, the very short-term nature of a hookup can feel unethical (and that’s a totally fine opinion to have as long as we’re not judging others’ choices!), but for others, short-term intimate encounters are exactly what they want. The reality is, we’re certainly not creating more happy hookup experiences by immediately throwing out the possibility of hookups being conscientious, respectful, and downright ethical just because they’re only happening once, sporadically, or when the mood strikes.

So how do you make sure your hookup is ethical?

As a resident sex educator for a youth collective of 16- to 19-year-olds, I had the great opportunity to sit down with a group of the collective’s youth leaders to talk about what they wanted to communicate to their peers about the components of an ethical hookup. Here’s the advice we came up with to help you make your hookup as ethical as possible.

Know and share your STI status.

Being aware of the state of your personal sexual health and sharing it openly and without shame is a key part of making sure our partners and ourselves are informed participants in our hookup. The general rule of thumb is to get a new STI test at least every six months if you’re sexually active with more than one person, or anytime you have a new sexual partner. Empower yourself by knowing that you can set the tone for this “status talk,” so practice speaking confidently and nonjudgmentally about your status and your partner will likely follow suit.

In addition to sharing your status, you should also know and share how to prevent the transmission of STIs via various safer-sex practices. And when it comes to hooking up, it’s always a good idea to have those safer-sex supplies on hand! This HRC Safer Sex Guide (available in both English and Spanish) can help connect the dots between levels of risk, certain sex acts, and which safer-sex practices to put in place.

Consider others’ feelings.

Despite common portrayals, a hookup doesn’t need to be completely devoid of feelings to be considered successful, and not all people experience short-term sexual encounters as emotionless. You can absolutely enthusiastically agree to a hot roll in the one-day hay and be kind, check in about your hookup partner’s feelings the next day, and still maintain casualness. A simple text of appreciation or a “How are you?” can go a long way; as long as you’re clear about intentions, feelings don’t need to get hurt or ignored.

Know and be clear about your intentions.

Intentions are just that — what we set out to do, on purpose, with the knowledge that what we intend might not pan out. If you know that you’re only available for a summer fling but lead your partner on into thinking you want to continue your short-term relationship indefinitely, that’s not ethical because you’re creating a connection based on false pretenses.

Despite our intentions, things can change, feelings can get caught, and our best-laid plans can shift, and that’s okay. But if we have specific intentions from the get-go and aren’t communicating them, then our partners can’t make their own choices about how they would like to interact with us, their own feelings, and their own boundaries. Knowledge is power — don’t strip your partner of theirs by withholding intent.

Respect your own boundaries.

Intentions and ethics start with you. Just like communicating your intentions to your partner gives them power, checking in with your moral compass, your sexual desires and limits, and your hopes for your own intimate interactions gives it to you. Hookups can really get us caught up in a moment, so be prepared for a casual connection by thinking about some of these elements ahead of time. How do I want and like to be touched? What do I want out of a hookup? What do I not want? Scarleteen.com’s sexual inventory checklist, Yes, No, Maybe So, can be a helpful piece of hookup homework to do on your own, in advance.

Respect your partner and their boundaries.

Yes, a fling can be casual and maybe even happen quickly, but always make sure to make time to ask your partner directly about their own yeses, nos, and maybe-sos. Not only does this ensure that we’re respecting our partners and practicing consent, but this also drastically increases our chances of having a mutually pleasurable experience.

If a hookup is indeed temporary, why waste your time guessing at what your partner might want rather than simply asking them directly? And when they give you an answer, you should listen to it. Asking our partner about their desires is consensual, ethical, and just plain economical.

No shame in your own game and no slut-shaming.

Create more emotional, relational, and sexual safety in your hookups by maintaining mutual respect for your and your partner’s particular desires, wants, yucks, and yums — including wherever you and your partner might fall on the spectrum of sexual experience.

Being fearful to express what it is that turns you on or shaming your partner for what tickles their intimate fancy is a terrible way to explore a mutually satisfying hookup. Sexuality is a very wide world, so it’s impossible that you’ll both be totally into every single thing the other person is into, and there’s nothing wrong with that as long as everything is consensual. Instead, focus on where your desires overlap and remember that you can enthusiastically consent to trying something new because consent means you can change your mind at any time if the new thing just isn’t for you.

Honor consent and seek it actively and in an ongoing manner.

Consent starts with asking for explicit permission before your intimate interaction begins, making sure that each party involved is fully informed about and understands what they’re saying yes, no, or maybe to. Make sure your consent practice doesn’t end there, though!

Active, ongoing consent continues through your intimate interaction and for the duration of your hookup relationship, no matter how long it lasts. During your hookup, ask questions like “Is this still okay?” “Do you like what we’re doing or should we switch it up?” and never assume that just because you hooked up once that your partner (or you!) wants to hook up again, or do the same things you did last time. Keep asking questions and don’t be worried about asking too many. It’s better to spend more time asking questions and less time feeling regret or remorse.

Practice makes perfect.

Feeling awkward is one of the main reasons high school and college students tell me they don’t utilize consent skills and safer-sex supplies. Though putting a condom on a banana is one of the most tired classroom sex-ed tricks in the book, getting your hands on things like condoms, dental dams, gloves, lube, and knowing how to use them properly before you find yourself in a hookup situation will make using these tools more seamless (and less awkward-seeming) in the moment.

Masturbating using condoms, gloves, and/or lube to get familiar with the sensation can be a fun way to practice. You can visit your local Planned Parenthood to get accurate information about birth control and risk-management options (even if you don’t plan on needing them anytime soon), which can help bust myths and let you know the resources available to you. Better yet — make it an educational outing with a few friends, complete with going out for ice cream afterward — because why not?

Check in regularly.

Though the general lack of commitment can be part of what makes hooking up appealing to folks, it’s always a good idea to check in every now and then about whether or not keeping it casual is still what you want to do. Checking in with ourselves about our own wants and needs and communicating them clearly also makes sure that we’re keeping tabs on our own priorities, too, and makes sure that we’re remembering to stay clear about our intentions.

Ask for info on pronouns, body parts, no-zones, and triggers.

Even if our sexual interactions are short-term, hooking up is still a vulnerable place to be. All of our partners deserve respect and to feel safe and valued. Nothing will ruin a hookup faster than crossing a boundary (even if accidentally), so make sure to ask where and how your partner likes to be touched, the words they use to talk about them and their bodies, and where they absolutely do not want to go with you whether that’s right now or ever.

Pro tip: Remember that someone saying “no” or “not there” to you isn’t something that you should take personally. Rather, a no can be valuable information your partner is sharing with you about themselves so that you can get to know them better. This perspective can make the “nos” easier to hear while keeping our egos in check.

Respect the gender and sexuality identities of your partners and support their ongoing journey.

Gender, sexuality, and identity is fluid and, especially between teenagehood and adulthood, can change and shift a lot. If a partner tells you about how they identify, believe them, respect them, use the language they ask you to use, and adapt if what’s true for them changes.

Your sureness about your own gender and sexuality doesn’t need to get rattled just because your partners’ identities shift — we promise.

Don’t stir drama.

A truly ethical hookup doesn’t kiss and Snap. While getting support from or excitedly dishing to your friends about hookups can be a totally healthy part of the experience, spreading rumors, sharing information, or even dropping hints that violate your partner’s privacy, consent, or are intended to hurt them or someone else is not. Know the difference, ask your partner before sharing their personal information, and absolutely keep their sexts to yourself.

Complete Article HERE!

Bed Death Is Real.

Here’s How to Keep It from Turning into a Sexless Marriage

by PureWow

If you and your S.O. haven’t done the deed in six months or longer, you are not alone. In fact, you are trending. If you believe recent headlines, tons of married or long-term couples all over the world are in the midst of a full-blown sex strike. Even Pink is talking about it: “…you’ll go through times when you haven’t had sex in a year,” the singer and mom of two recently said of her 13-year marriage to Carey Hart. “Is this bed death? Is this the end of it? Do I want him? Does he want me? Monogamy is work! But you do the work and it’s good again

According to the New York Post, “’Dead bedrooms,’ the buzzy new term for when couples in long-term relationships stop having sex, are on a zombie-apocalypse-like rise.” It cites a study that shows 69 percent of couples are intimate 8 times a year or less; 17 percent of those surveyed hadn’t had sex in a year or more. This is on the heels of research out of the University of Chicago demonstrating that between the late 1990s and 2014, sex for all adults dropped from 62 to 54 times a year on average. And, per Time, “The highest drop in sexual frequency has been among married people with higher levels of education.”

In her cover story on The Sex Recession, The Atlantic’s Kate Julian reports on the many possible causes behind this unsexy ebb: “hookup culture, crushing economic pressures, surging anxiety rates, psychological frailty, widespread antidepressant use, streaming television, environmental estrogens leaked by plastics, dropping testosterone levels, digital porn, the vibrator’s golden age…helicopter parents, careerism, smartphones, the news cycle, information overload generally, sleep deprivation, obesity. Name a modern blight, and someone, somewhere, is ready to blame it for messing with the modern libido.”

Chances are you and/or your spouse are impacted by one (if not several) of the above. So what can you do to break a dry spell? Read on for expert tips.

1. Focus on each other as well as the kids

We could tell you to start putting each other first. But chances are it’s not gonna happen. Parents with children between the ages of 6 and 17 are having less sex than even those with younger children, according to research. Blame co-sleeping, snowplow parenting or “generalized family anxiety” caused by everything from travel soccer to SAT prep. More than past generations, parents are putting kids front and center, and their sex lives are taking a hit. Here’s advice from psychologist and author Dr. Debra Campbell: “Dispense with a ‘one-size-fits-all’ attitude to sex because passion and excitement thrive most on creativity and a bit of novelty. That means, don’t limit yourselves by thinking about sex as purely intercourse, as only happening at a particular time of day or night, or requiring certain circumstances— especially now circumstances have changed.” A weekly date night might not be feasible, but making out in the car after a parent-teacher conference could be. Hug occasionally. Say thank you. Kiss hello and goodbye. As relationship guru Dr. John Gottman says, good marriages thrive on “small things often” as opposed to the single, annual, grand romantic gesture.

2. Check your meds

This one’s complicated. Depression and anxiety inhibit sexual desire. But often, so do the essential antidepressants and birth control pills we take to mitigate both. However, depending on multiple personal factors, from physiology to psychology, you may find that a lower dose or a certain type of birth control impacts your sexual desire differently. You may have a better response to an IUD than to an oral contraceptive, for example. Definitely talk to your doctor. And (here’s an idea) bring your spouse in on the conversation.

3. Banish tech from your bedroom

For many long-term couples, Netflix and Chill evolves into Netflix and Pass Out. We’ve done deep dives into how phubbing can be toxic for romantic relationships. And research shows that sleep deprivation (whether it’s caused by parenthood, work worry or tech use) reduces sexual desire. More sleep = more and better sex. And it turns out all that late-night Instagram scrolling may be eating away at your self-esteem and your sex life as well as your sleep. “A large and growing body of research reports that for both men and women, social-media use is correlated with body dissatisfaction,” writes Julian in her Atlantic story. Feeling hot is key to arousal. Is watching a 26-year-old travel Influencer jog down the beach in Phuket going to help? “A review of 57 studies examining the relationship between women’s body image and sexual behavior suggests that positive body image is linked to having better sex. Conversely, not feeling comfortable in your own skin complicates sex.” Anything healthy and positive you can do for your body—and the less time you spend comparing it to anyone online in a bikini—will probably improve your sex life.

4. Stop counting

When it comes to sex, it’s quality over quantity. How often you do it matters less than how happy you are with your sex life, according to relationship therapist, author and sex researcher Dr. Sarah Hunter Murray. The average married couple has sex once a week or less, and those who do are just as happy—and perhaps happier—than those having it two to three times a week, per research in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science. “The frequency with which we have sex receives a lot of attention because it’s the easiest way to measure and compare our sex lives to our peers,” writes Hunter Murray. “But having lots of bad sex isn’t going to make anyone happy nor is it going to leave you feeling satisfied.” She advises looking at the reasons why you’re not having sex and doing what you can to work on those together. Is it because you approach money differently? He’s critical of your parenting style? Your careers are in different stages? You resent the division of household labor or carry more than your share of the mental load? What can you do to communicate about or change your circumstances? “If we are fighting or falling out of love with our partner, not having sex could be a symptom of a much larger problem,” writes Hunter Murray. “However, if we are simply busy, sick, navigating parenthood, or identify as asexual (and the list goes on) then it may be more circumstantial and nothing to panic over.” The bottom line? Less frequent good sex is better than bi-weekly sex that leaves you cold or not feeling any closer.

Complete Article HERE!

Sex bans are manipulative and destructive to your relationship

By Rebecca Reid

There’s a Greek myth called Lysistrata.

It’s a story about how the wives of the Greeks, sick of their husbands pissing off to war and coming back with a limb missing or not coming back at all, took matters into their own hands.

To create peace between various Greek factions, they went on a sex strike. No nookie for anyone until the war was over. And basically, it worked.

Lysistrata was first performed in 411BC. 2,430 years ago. And yet women are still doing the exact same thing – going on sex strike to get what they want.

Earlier this year Alyssa Milano suggested that we women go on strike from sex until the Georgia six-week abortion limit is overruled.

If you Google ‘sex strike’ you find hundreds of stories from women who got ‘their own way’ by going on strike. One woman got a new kitchen. Another convinced her husband to have another baby. Other women simply use it as a disciplinary measure to correct their husband’s behaviour.

Doesn’t anyone else find this unutterably depressing?

It’s 2019 and apparently the axis of our power as humans is still whether or not we will open our legs for our partners.

Sex shouldn’t be a reward. It should be an expression of lust, or love, or anything else that you want it to be. It should be fun, gratifying, enjoyable.

Sex shouldn’t be the adult equivalent of giving a child a chocolate button for hanging their coat up after school.

By taking sex away from your partner as a punishment you send the message that it’s an activity that you partake in for them in the first place – it suggests that sex is a favour you’ve been doing them and will no longer be doing until they toe the party line.

In every single example I could find online, the person doing the banning is the woman and the person on the receiving end is a man, which further perpetuates an untrue stereotype that men like sex and women put up with it.

Another problematic aspect of the sex ban is that often it’s women putting one in place because she wants to make a financial choice – like a new car or a holiday – that her partner isn’t comfortable with.

Instead of compromising – the money belongs to both of you – or just paying it for themselves, these women perpetuate the idea that their husbands are Chancellors of the Exchequer in their marriage.

They might as well be applying for more housekeeping money.

If your sex life is so lukewarm that the idea of giving it up to punish your partner is appealing, then you’ve got a wider problem which needs addressing.

If however you enjoy sex and withdraw it at your own deprivation then you’re cutting off your nose to spite your face. Even if it works, do you really want to have won an argument with your other half by taking away sex, just like you would get a child to do their homework by offering screen time?

Back in 411BC Greece, women really didn’t have much power. Sex was one of the few things you had the ability to grant. But the world has moved on, and we are equal partners within our relationships and therefore we do not need to withdraw sexual favours to claw back power.

We’re intelligent, mature, sensible women with critical reasoning skills. Why would we resort to such reduced tactics to alleviate conflict?

Of course there is an element of sexual politics in any relationship – when you feel happier and closer to your partner you’ll probably have more sex. When you’re fighting or struggling through issues it might well be less. That’s normal.

No one is suggesting for a second that you should have sex with your partner if you don’t want to or you’re not in the mood. You should only ever have sex when you want to have sex. The issue is when you use ‘I’m not in the mood’ as a bargaining chip, which is patronising and controlling.

If your partner doesn’t take you seriously when you say you’re annoyed about the division of labour within the household, or that you think you need to redecorate your kitchen, then they’re not a good partner.

If you ignore their responses to your marital problems and decide to ‘punish’ your partner rather than compromising, then you’re not a good partner.

Relationships that work don’t involve point scoring. They’re not based around depriving someone else of privileges to train their behaviour. That’s how you treat a naughty child, not a spouse whom you respect.

You might get what you originally wanted – your partner might do more housework or ‘let’ you buy a new car, but what cost is this ‘victory’ to the long term health of your relationship?

Complete Article HERE!

If You Want More Oral Sex, You’re Not Alone.

Here’s How To Ask For It

By Erika W. Smith

Whether you call it going down, giving a blowjob, eating out, or you’re fancy and use the terms cunnilingus and fellatio, you’re not alone if you love oral sex. One study found that 73% of cis men and 68.9% of cis women found receiving oral sex “very pleasurable,” and another 24.1% of cis men and 26.5% of cis women found it “somewhat pleasurable.” A lot of people also love giving oral sex. That same study found that 52.3% of men and 28.1% of women found it very pleasurable, with another 40.6% of men and 54.6% of women finding it somewhat pleasurable.

That said, as these numbers indicate, you’re also not alone if you don’t love oral sex — giving or receiving. Some people hate it. Others could take it or leave it. Some might prefer another kind of sex, whether that be manual stimulation, vaginal sex, anal sex, using a sex toy, or something else. If you don’t love receiving oral sex, that’s totally fine. There are plenty of other things to do in bed.

When it comes to oral sex, there is a gender and sexuality gap, according to research. While partners of any gender and sexuality can feel differently about the frequency they’d like to give and receive oral sex, various studies have indicated this discrepancy is most common for women dating men. That study about oral sex and pleasure we mentioned before? Well, it also found only 44% of women received oral sex from their partner in their last sexual encounter, compared to 63% of men.

Another study, this one from 2018, looked at differences in frequency of orgasm in straight, bisexual, lesbian, and gay men and women. The study found that out of everyone surveyed, straight women were having the fewest orgasms: 65% of straight women orgasmed almost every time they had sex, compared to 66% of bisexual women, 86% of lesbian women, 88% of bisexual men, 89% of gay men, and 95% of straight men. One major reason for this orgasm gap? Straight men were giving oral sex far less frequently than any other group.

Remember that viral story about DJ Khaled refusing to go down on his wife because, “It’s different rules for men. You gotta understand, we the king”? Well, unfortunately, it seems like DJ Khaled is not alone in this misguided belief.

But although women who date men are most likely to be in this situation, partners of any gender and sexuality can find that they have different desires when it comes to oral sex. The point is, everyone deserves to ask for exactly what they want. If you do love receiving oral sex, or you would like to try it, you should be able to talk to your partner about your desires. With that in mind, we put together some suggestions for how to start this conversation.

Make It Hot

Combining your suggestion with dirty talk is probably the most fun way to go about it. Tell your partner something like, “I keep fantasizing about you going down on me” or, “I can’t stop thinking about what it would feel like for you to eat me out.” Do whatever feels most natural to you. As Julia Bennett, the director of learning strategy at Planned Parenthood, previously told Refinery29, “There’s no right way to ask. There are lots of ways we can talk about sex.”

Be Direct

Because the sex scenes we see in porn and movies are so seamlessly (and wordlessly) choreographed, it’s easy to forget that it’s totally normal to make suggestions during sex. You can simply be direct. During sex, you could say something as simple as, “Would you go down on me?” If you’ve already given your partner oral during the encounter, you could even suggest, “My turn?” If your partner is into it, then great. If not, respect their boundaries and don’t pressure or push. Consent is mandatory, of course, and it only counts when it’s freely given.

How To Have A Bigger Conversation

Let’s say your partner isn’t as interested in oral as you are, or maybe they’re super into receiving but not giving, or maybe you just simply want to have this conversation well before things get hot and heavy — whatever the case may be, the discussion doesn’t have to be restricted to the bedroom. In fact, it’s really healthy for your sex life to be an ongoing discussion — one that takes place outside the bedroom, when you’re fully clothed. You might tell your partner, “I really love receiving oral sex. Would you be open to trying it?” You could also say something like, “It’s hard for me to orgasm without oral sex. How would you feel about going down on me more often?”

You don’t want to sound accusing here. As Rachel Needle, PsyD, previously told Refinery29, “Start off with something positive about your relationship, including your sexual relationship. Use feeling words and ‘I’ statements, [so you don’t put] your partner on the defensive.”

Try to go into this conversation with an open mind. If your partner has reservations about giving you oral sex, listen to what their concerns are. Have they experienced trauma around oral sex in the past? Learning where they’re coming from could might make you feel open to focusing on other sexual activities instead — maybe using a sex toy designed to mimic oral sex. Are they worried about STIs? You could suggest getting tested together and using a barrier method during oral. Are they nervous about getting it “wrong”? You can reassure them that you’ll let them know what feels good, and maybe tell them what you like before beginning.

So, You’ve Talked — Now What?

If you’ve talked about oral sex openly and honestly, and your partner still isn’t open to the idea, then what? Ultimately, you need to respect your partner’s boundaries. But — especially if this is part of a larger pattern of your partner neglecting your desires and needs — you might decide that you’d like to look for a partner you’re more sexually compatible with. Sex is an important part of a relationship, after all. Only you can decide what’s best for you

Complete Article HERE!

How to Have Sex if You’re Queer

What to Know About Protection, Consent, and What Queer Sex Means

By

Happy Pride!

Rarely does traditional sex education tackle pleasure for pleasure’s sake, how to have sex for non-reproductive purposes, or the wide spectrums of sexualities, bodies, and genders that exist. Instead it tends to cover penis-in-vagina penetration only, pregnancy risks, and STI/STD transmission, leaning heavily on scare tactics that may not even work.

Traditional sex ed is failing us all, but when it comes to standardized sex education in the U.S., the LGBTQ community is especially left out of the conversation. A GLSEN National School Climate Survey found that fewer than 5% of LGBTQ students had health classes that included positive representations of LGBTQ-related topics. Among self-identified “millennials” surveyed in 2015, only 12% said their sex education classes covered same-sex relationships at all.

The good, and even possibly great news is that not being boxed in by the narrow definitions of sex provided to us via traditional sex ed means that we are free (and perhaps even empowered!) to build our own sex lives that work uniquely for us, our partners, and our relationships. But we still need some info in order to do so.

Let’s talk about what classic sex education might’ve missed about how to have sex if you’re queer, from what sex between queer people means to how to keep it safe and consensual between the rainbow sheets.

What Queer Sex Means and How to Have it

Redefine and self-define sex. Sexual desire exists on a spectrum just like gender, sexuality, and other fluid and fluctuating parts of our identities. From Ace to Gray-Ace to Allosexual and everywhere in between and beyond, check in with yourself and your partners about how they experience sexual desire (if at all).

Similarly, “having sex” can mean a million different things to a million different people from making out, to certain kinds of penetration, orgasmic experiences, etc. You get to decide “what counts as sex” to you which is especially true when it comes to sexual debuts — a necessary and inclusive term for self-determined first times that looks beyond the traditional, heterosexist version of “losing your virginity.”

Honoring the identities and bodies of ourselves and our partners with respect, kindness, compassion, and tenderness is crucial and can feel even more precious and rewarding when you’re queer. Truly pleasurable sex — regardless of your identity — starts with a sense of safety, clear communication, confident boundaries, active listening skills, and self-awareness.

Check in with yourself first. Active consent starts with knowing yourself and what your boundaries are. Though an important piece of practicing consent is asking your partner for permission and for their preferences, it can be easy to forget to ask yourself similar questions. What do you want out of a sexual experience? Where are you confident you don’t want to venture now, yet, or maybe ever? What are you super excited to explore?

This check-in can help you determine what you want from sex and what queer sex means to you. This is when you can think about experimenting with sex toys, whether you’re interested in penetration, and what kind of touch feels good to you.

Sometimes we don’t even know where to start if we’re not sure about what our options even are. Scarleteen.com or Girl Sex 101 (much more gender-spectrum-inclusive than the title suggests) are both great resources that can get some of your questions answered. You can also find more information here.

Name your own bits. Body parts, especially private body parts, can be complicated territory for LGBTQ folks, and understandably so. One of the main goals of sex for many of us is to feel good in our bodies. The first step to this can be feeling good about the terms we use for our body parts. Try on one or a few that might work for you, communicate them to your partners (especially new ones), and ask them how they like their bodies to be talked about or touched.

Gender roles are bendable roles. You don’t have to adopt traditional gender roles in sex unless you want to. Media mediums from PG-13 sex scenes to X-rated porn can create clear splits between what’s considered being “sexually masculine” (being the do-er, taking control, knowing the ropes) and being “sexually feminine” (being the receiver, being passive or reactive, being led rather than initiating the sexual interaction).

Just because you identify with being masculine, feminine, or somewhere in between doesn’t mean you need to act a certain way or do anything in particular in your sex life. You can be a Ferociously Fierce Femme, a Passive Prince of Pillows, a Non-Binary Take-Charge Babe, or any version of your sexual self that follows what feels good, affirming, and right to you and your partners.

Talk about sex outside of a sexual context. Talking about sex with your potential or current partners before the clothes come off can be a great way to keep clear-headed communication and consent thriving. Sexual interactions are vulnerable, exciting, and can get your body and brain functioning in all new ways. So, sometimes it can be easier to talk about your feelings about sex, your enthusiastic Yes-es, your definite No’s, and your curious Maybes over coffee or text first, in addition to in-the-moment communication about consent.

Make an aftercare plan. We know that consent, permission, and pre-sex talks are all important parts of a healthy sex life, but we can forget to think about what happens after we have sex (besides water, a pee break, and snacks, of course). This is aftercare — or, how we like to be interacted with after sex has ended.

Aftercare preferences can include what we want to do immediately after sex (cuddle? watch Netflix? have some alone time?) and can also include what happens in the upcoming days or weeks (check-ins over text? gossip parameters? is there anyone you and your partner definitely do or don’t want to dish to?).

No matter your aftercare preferences, a post-sex check-in conversation about how things went, what you’d love an encore of, and what you might want to avoid next time (if you’d like there to be a next time) is always a good idea.

Always keep it consensual. Consent starts with asking permission before any sexual touch or interaction begins, continues with checking in about how things are going, and ends with talking with each other about how the sexual interaction went overall so that feedback can be exchanged and any mistakes can be repaired.

True, enthusiastic consent thrives in a space where each person feels free, clear-headed, and safe to speak up about what their No’s, Yes-es, and Maybes are.

Safer Sex for Queer Sex

Hormones matter. Even though testosterone hormones can decrease your risk of unwanted pregnancy, folks on T can still become pregnant, so make sure to use condoms if sperm is likely to be in the mix. Estrogen hormones can slow sperm production, but if your body is still producing sperm, an egg-creating partner could still get pregnant, so put your favorite birth control method to work.

Starting or ending hormone therapy, whether it’s testosterone or estrogen, can impact your sexual response, your desire levels, your emotions, and even your sexual orientation — so don’t be surprised if these changes crop up. Find safe people to talk to about any complicated feelings this may trigger rather than keeping them bottled up.

Condoms aren’t a one-trick pony. Though the gym teacher might think that putting a condom on a banana tells students all they need to know about wrapping it up, they’re usually doing little more than wasting a high-potassium snack. Condoms can help reduce pregnancy and STI/STD transmission risk for all kinds of penis-penetrative sex (vaginal, anal, and oral) so they’re important to learn to use correctly. But, they can also be used in other ways. Condoms can be put on sex toys to help with easy clean-up, or if you want to share the toy with a partner without getting up to wash it (just put on a fresh condom instead!), and can even be made into dental dams.

Gloves are another important piece of latex (or non-latex if you’re allergic) to keep…on hand…in your safer-sex kit, as they can prevent transmission of fluids into unnoticed cuts on your hands and can protect delicate orifice tissues from rough nails or your latest catclaw manicure (Pssst: if your nails are extra long and pointy, you can put cotton balls down in the tips of your glove for extra padding).

Lube is your friend. Lube is a great addition to all kinds of sex, but comes highly recommended for certain kinds of sex. A good water-based lube (avoid the ingredient glycerin if you’re prone to yeast infections!) can add pleasurable slip to all kinds of penetration, is latex-compatible, and reduces friction from sex toys or other body parts.

Lube can also be put on the receiver’s end of a dental dam or a small drop can be added to the inside of a condom before you put it on to create more pleasure for the condom-wearer.

Anal sex especially benefits from lube as your booty doesn’t self-lubricate like the vagina does, so it can be prone to painful tearing or friction during penetration. Using a thicker water-based lube like Sliquid Sassy for anal sex reduces friction, increases pleasure, and decreases chances of tearing which, also lowers risk of STI/STD transmission.

Sadly, no one is immune to STIs. Though it’s true that certain sex acts come with greater or lesser risk of STI/STD transmission, it doesn’t mean that certain partner pairings are totally risk-free. The Human Rights Campaign’s Safer Sex Guide (available in both Spanish and English) contains a helpful chart that breaks down the health risks associated with specific sex acts, complete with barrier and birth control methods that’ll help lower your risk.

Remember, some STIs/STDs are easily curable with medication, some are permanent-yet-manageable, and some can be lethal (especially if left untreated). So, knowing the difference and knowing and communicating your status are all important pieces of your sexual health. You can continue to lower STI stigma while reducing rates of STI transmission by keeping conversations about sexual health with your partners open and non-judgmental.

Sex toys need baths, too. When choosing sex toys, it’s wise to pay attention to the kind of material your toy is made out of. Medical grade silicone, stainless steel, glass, and treated wooden sex toys are all, for the most part, non-porous, meaning that they can (and should) easily be washed with soap and water between uses, between orifices, and between partners.

Sex toys made out of cyberskin, jelly rubber, elastomer, or other porous materials have small pores in them that can trap dirt and bacteria (kind of like a sponge), even after you wash them! This means that you could reintroduce dirt and bacteria to your own body causing bacterial or yeast infections for yourself, or you could pass bacteria or STIs to a partner via the toy. You could avoid these porous materials entirely (check the packaging to see what your toy is made out of) or you could use a condom on them every time like you would a body part.

For more tips on building a culture of consent in your communities and relationships, head to yanatallonhicks.com/consenthandout.

Complete Article HERE!

14 Sex Questions To Ask Your Partner

To Ensure Sexual Consent

By Stacie Ysidro

Get comfortable talking about sex.

Before getting intimate with your partner, there are a few consensual sex questions that are worth asking.

Over  the last 10 years of coaching and connecting, I have worked with mostly men and couples. I started out with tantra and sacred sexuality focusing on premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction.

I have helped men connect to get out of their heads(quiet thoughts) and into their bodies(feel sensations), harness and control their sexual energy and orgasm. I have helped them get to know women’s bodies and women’s sexual response.

They have gained confidence and knowledge that helped them have more sex and importantly more satisfying sex.

Along the way many men have opened up to me about their concerns and fear around dealing with masculinity and understanding women in and out of the bedroom. Men either feel like aggressive entitled jerks or passive pushovers stuck in the friend zone.

Men need an assertive safe zone.

In the wake of this ‘Me too’ movement there has been a rise in fear around masculine energy. It has been framed as toxic and detrimental.

Not every touch, compliment or glance is an assault. Not every woman feels like a victim. The toxic masculinity frame has harmed men as well as women! The time has come to bring the conscious divine masculine to clarity and shatter the toxic masculine image!

Instead of taking sides let’s come together and communicate in a healthy, loving way.

Fact is, we have a lack of sex education in our country and most of the world. We are not taught communication skills in general. It is clear why we have so much miscommunication or lack of communication about sexuality.

Women and men have been taught opposite messages around sexuality. It is time to unlearn these harmful ideas, attitudes and beliefs.

Always talk about sex before diving in. If you are not comfortable talking about it, you probably shouldn’t be doing it.

Here are some helpful questions everyone can use, for having sexual consent conversations with your partner/partners or a potential partner.

Say out loud and agree up front: there are no judgments or expectations and nothing will be taken personally, this is all just information.

What to say, what to ask:

1. Do you want to be in a monogamous relationship?

2. What does monogamous mean to you? 

3. I’m really into XYZ are you comfortable with that?’

4. I recently saw this type of play and I am interested in experimenting.

5. How do you feel/what do you think about that?

6. Would you like to try XYZ with me?

7. Tell me if I am using too much or too little pressure.

8. Does XYZ feel good to you?

9. Would you like more pressure than this or less?

10. What are your boundaries in the bedroom? What is completely off the table?

11. What do you find pleasurable?

12. What is not pleasurable to you?

13. What are some things you would like to experiment with?

14. What is you definition of kink? what is taboo to you but is a turn on?

Always keep in mind that in the heat of the moment a yes can become a no but a no can not become a yes. The last thing you want to do is break trust.

You can always have another conversation and create new boundaries for next time. Better to take it slower and be conscious than to have remorse later for crossing a line in the heat of the moment.

A little bit of communication even if it feels awkward, can guarantee a more satisfying experience for you both. Keep in mind the more you have these conversations the more comfortable they will become.

Complete Article HERE!