Can Microdosing Help Heal Sexual Trauma?

— Sexual trauma poses unique challenges to clinical treatment. Psychedelic medicine can address healing from sexual trauma through a more holistic lens.

By Kiki Dy

A sexual assault at fifteen changed the contours of Australia-based artist Lydia’s* life. She blamed herself in a haze of adolescent confusion and hid the assault from her loved ones, even when they suspected something was amiss. The next ten years became a barbed loop of trying to forget and then remembering so vividly that she couldn’t sleep. Lydia tight-roped between extremes:— long periods of abstinence splintered by sprints of hypersexuality. In her early 20’s, she pursued therapy but ultimately found the experience “painful with no payoff.” She recognized she needed a spiritually profound route to recast her sense of self and shift the narrative of her assault–that’s when mushrooms entered the picture.

Psychedelics and Sexual Trauma: An Overview

On her podcast Inside Eyes–a series about using entheogens to ease the aberrations of sexual trauma–somatic psychotherapist Laura Mae Northrup describes sexual assault as a form of spiritual abuse. The impact of sexual violence on the survivor is subjective. However, many, like Northrup, would agree that experiencing sexual assault can change how we view humanity, making us question the morality of mankind and the meaning of our existence at large.

Objectively, sexual assault is unconscionable violence against humanity, resulting in feelings of dissociation and disembodiment that can last a lifetime (and even be passed down). As survivors grow up, they frequently learn to suppress the event and its aching emotions as a defense mechanism. But trauma can never truly be suppressed. Until trauma is addressed, one small trigger has the ability to open the gateway back to the grieving phase.

Given the prolonged spiritual distress sexual abuse spurs, western medicine and traditional therapy can often fall short. For some, exploring a more mystical method of healing provides better outcomes. After all, sexual assault is a complicating factor for mental wellness, with survivors displaying psychological responses such as depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)—all of which psilocybin is proven to positively benefit.

As a seasoned psychedelic researcher and professor at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine, Roland Griffiths reports that over 70% of people who took magic mushrooms to treat depression, anxiety, or PTSD cited their psychedelic experience as being among the most impactful events in their lifetime. Additional research echoes these praises, suggesting that psilocybin often induces emotional breakthroughs and profound shifts in perspective for those who choose to use it–and for Lydia, that shift in perspective was life-saving.

“I felt stuck. All my relationships were failing, even the one with myself. I was ready to give up,” she tells us at Retreat. “It felt like one person had stolen my happiness, and I couldn’t get it back, even ten years later.”

Then, a psilocybin retreat changed everything.

Lydia, who lived in Berlin at the time, made a convenient pilgrimage to attend a magic mushroom ceremony in Amsterdam. “The trip cracked me wide open,” she shares, “I was outside my body looking at myself. Which was trippy, but more important is that the filter changed, and suddenly I saw myself with softness and empathy. I sobbed.”

Like Lydia’s anecdotal evidence suggests, psychedelics hold great promise and potential to help people reprocess their trauma in a meaningful manner. In the words of psychedelic integration therapist Dee Dee Goldpaugh, psilocybin allows us to experience a “compassionate recasting of ourselves in the story [of a traumatic event].” By introducing her mind to new ways to think, psilocybin helped Lydia unglue herself from the decade of anguish the assault catalyzed. With the muck cleared off her mind’s windshield, she began to see and accept the truth: it wasn’t her fault, and it doesn’t define her.

The Therapeutic Potential of Microdosing

The heroic dose helped Lydia forgive and reopen herself to pleasure, but microdosing helped her cement her newfound perspectives.

“I didn’t want the trip to be this epiphany that didn’t stick,” she shares. “I was so relieved but also a bit anxious that I was placing a flimsy bandaid over a bullet hole.” So, after research and casual coaching by a seasoned psychonaut friend, she started a new routine three times a week: spiking her morning matcha with psilocybin powder.

Lydia enhanced her microdosing journey with daily journaling, affirmations, and a focused effort to allow the soft voice that spoke to her during the trip to reshape her internal monologue. She insists that microdosing rewired her brain in a way SSRIs failed to achieve.

But does the science behind microdosing support her experience?

While the conclusion is clear on the therapeutic benefits of large doses of psychedelics, such as increased empathy, openness, mood, and life satisfaction—the developing research on microdosing doesn’t allow us to draw any one conclusion. Research suggests that microdosing may lead to a positive mood, increased presence, and enhanced well-being.

However, the findings do not come from controlled trials where one-half of the participants take a microdose, and the other half take a placebo.  Current knowledge is mostly from vocal success stories like Lydia’s and surveys of people who have used microdosing as a tool for mental health and personal growth. (That said, that is changing, with a number of microdosing studies in the works across the industry.)

The Bottom Line

Though universally painful, healing from sexual trauma is personal. Whether you leverage traditional talk therapy, small amounts of psilocybin, or a guided heroic trip that sends you to an alternate reality for eternity and returns you a new person–one fact remains: addressing trauma is a meaningful step toward a happier future.

As for the potential of psychedelics to facilitate healing more holistically, the science is promising. Individuals that have suffered sexual trauma often close down as fear, anxiety, and anger shrink them. In one famously-cited psilocybin study, 61 percent of participants demonstrated a lasting and measurable change in openness after just one dose of mushrooms–a significant finding because lasting personality change is often out of reach with just talk therapy alone.

However you choose to heal, and whoever you choose to help you heal, Retreat wishes you the best and is here to offer a little psychedelic support and a lot of empathy.

*Name has been changed to protect privacy.

Complete Article HERE!

Many survivors aren’t sure what to do after a sexual assault

– Here’s what you need to know

By

Millions of people have experienced sexual violence and abuse in England and Wales, but many do not know where to go, or who to turn to afterwards. Shame felt by victims and survivors of sexual violence can be reinforced by the responses of family members and others.

This means many find it difficult to get help, sometimes carrying the burden of abuse for years. As one survivor I spoke to put it: “My parents didn’t want to know when I spoke to them about it. I grew up in the age of where everything was hidden. So, I kept this totally from everybody until 2021.” Perpetrators count on survivors of abuse not being heard.

I’ve been researching the work of Sexual Assault Referral Centres (Sarcs) in England, and speaking to survivors who have used their services. The narratives people share are upsetting, but give me hope – there is a strong network of Sarcs and other sexual violence and abuse services providing support to people across England, whether people choose to involve the police or not.

Getting help as soon as possible is important for any injuries and to reduce risks of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and pregnancy.

A person may prioritise contacting the police, especially if there is ongoing risk of harm to them or a third party. The police will check safety and refer victims and survivors to support agencies like Sarcs. A survivor can opt to provide a witness statement at the appropriate time.

The first Sarc opened in 1986. Today there are over 50 across England and Wales. Sarcs can be a first point of care for any survivor, no matter their age, gender or how long it has been since the abuse occurred. They can be reached 24/7, and offer crisis support, first aid, pregnancy and STI testing, emergency contraception, forensic care and referrals to other services like independent sexual violence advisers.

What happens when you seek help after sexual assault

Sarcs offer the choice to have a forensic medical examination to collect evidence, which may be useful if the case goes to court. These samples, which include swabs of where physical contact took place, must usually be taken within a few days. Acting quickly gives the greatest chance of securing forensic evidence.

These exams were once undertaken in busy emergency departments and police stations, but Sarcs provide dedicated private spaces and a supportive environment. One survivor I interviewed referred to their experience as “a remarkably positive experience, considering the circumstances. I was impressed by [the forensic practitioner’s] professionalism and her knowledge, she was supportive in terms of me being a victim.”

Unless there are overriding safeguarding concerns, survivors have a choice about whether or not to involve the police. The staff at a Sarc can help a person decide the best course of action for their situation. This could include storing samples for reporting in the future, and anonymous reporting.

A circle of people sitting in chairs in a support group, focus is on one young woman with peers comforting her
Sarcs help survivors access other services like counselling and support for domestic abuse.

Sarcs are not the same as Rape Crisis centres, which are run by the voluntary sector. Rape Crisis England and Wales provides a 24/7 helpline, with around 40 centres offering outreach, advocacy, pre-trial therapy, peer support and counselling. Many also provide specialist advocates who can help survivors navigate the justice system.

Rape Crisis is struggling to keep up with the high demand for its services, in response to record numbers of survivors coming forward for help. A backlog of cases in the courts due to the pandemic, delayed trials and lack of resources in the judicial system, means there are now nearly 10,000 cases waiting, each taking an average of two years to be heard. This places further pressure on voluntary sector services to support people for longer.

What do survivors say about Sarcs?

Through our research, my colleagues and I have spoken to hundreds of survivors between the ages of 18 and 75 about their experiences of Sarcs. We have found that these services are safe and effective, with around 1% of participants feeling they had been adversely affected by the care they received.

On joining our research (around 100 days after contacting the Sarc), 70% of participants had symptoms consistent with PTSD. After one year and contact with many different services, this had fallen to 55%. As one man shared: “I feel that the support I’ve had … has given me a better outlook on life.”

People said they felt safe, believed and understood at Sarcs, and they received accurate and accessible information. Traditionally, the voluntary sector has been the benchmark for survivor-centred, trauma-informed care. But participants in our research rated Sarc care at least as positively as support from the voluntary sector. These results are heartening.

But there is still work to be done to ensure people understand their options after sexual violence. Only around one in 10 eligible people ever access a Sarc’s services. In particular, survivors from ethnic minorities, those experiencing concurrent domestic abuse and those with mental health problems struggle to access help.

Giving survivors choices and control over decisions is crucial in the aftermath of sexual violence. Aside from Sarcs, survivors can talk to a health professional like their GP, sexual health or antenatal care provider, or get in touch with Rape Crisis or The Survivors Trust. No one should have to carry the burden of sexual violence and abuse alone.

Complete Article HERE!

Consent Culture

— What Consent Means and How to Set Personal Boundaries

By Peyton Nguyen

What is consent? Consent is a key component of all healthy relationships. What you are or are not comfortable with in a sexual experience can change over time. Thus, it’s important to communicate your needs to your partner while also checking to see what their needs are.

Consent culture, where people in a community feel empowered to freely make decisions regarding their own comfort as it pertains to their sexual experiences, is created through open dialogue about sex.

As part of a continuous effort to bring that conversation to the BU community, Student Health Services hosted an event for incoming students at Orientation called Cones for Consent. The event was originally established by SHS’ Sexual Assault Response & Prevention Center (SARP). Students completed a quick survey and got free ice cream in exchange! As a Student Health Ambassador, talking with students about such an important topic at a fun event like this was nice. Being able to chat with such a large portion of the student body over a popsicle was a great way to close out the summer. Our discussions and the array of anonymous survey responses helped us better understand how BU students think about consent.

Here’s What Students Responded With:

“Consent culture means having respect for others’ boundaries.”

Defining boundaries is an important part of establishing a healthy relationship, and respecting them ensures that everyone feels safe and comfortable.

“It means that you openly communicate with your partner.”

Open communication empowers partners to discuss what they like, dislike, and everything in between.

“Creating consent culture lets us feel safe and empowered on campus.”

Consent culture makes the campus community a better place for us all!

“Consent is always an enthusiastic yes that can be taken back at any time.”

Consent should always be freely given. If a person feels uncomfortable or can’t give consent, stop what you’re doing.

Through the survey, students showed that consent culture is important to them as members of the BU community – so how can you encourage the development of consent culture in your own relationships?

Here are a few tips to help you get started!

Have a conversation with yourself:

  • It isn’t always easy to know what you want. That’s why it’s important to take time and reflect on what you’re comfortable with.
  • Consider what ideas you may have surrounding sex in general. These are often shaped by past experiences, but you’re the only one who can know what’s best for you!

Understand what boundaries are:

  • Boundaries are guidelines/limits that help you feel comfortable and safe. These boundaries should be respected.
  • Over time, boundaries can change. This is completely normal! It’s important to revisit them as time passes, just to check in and see if anything has changed.
  • Boundaries can be set regarding a large number of things. Examples include:
    • Using condoms when having sex
    • Getting screened for STIs before having sex
    • Types of sexual activities that you are comfortable (or not comfortable) with

How to have the conversation:

  • Clearly communicating your needs and wants will help everyone be on the same page.
  • Here are some fill-in-the-blank guides for communicating boundaries:
    • Before we have sex, I think it’s important for us to both get screened for STIs. It’s important to me, and will make me feel safe.
    • Just FYI, since we’re going out tonight, I don’t want to have sex if we’ve been drinking. It makes me feel ________.
    • I don’t feel comfortable with ______. If you’re not okay with that, we shouldn’t have sex.

Addressing Consent and boundaries in the moment:

  • You might think you’re okay with something, and then once you’re in the moment, it may not feel right. That’s okay, and you deserve to have your boundaries respected. Don’t be afraid to verbalize that.
  • “No” is a full sentence – you don’t need to give a reason or justification.
  • If you hear “no” during sex, stop what you’re doing and check in with your partner. Boundaries are not a one-and-done conversation. It can take time to fully discuss everyone’s boundaries, and that’s okay!

Complete Article HERE!

I Help Couples Improve Their Sex Life.

— Here Are The 4 Things I Wish More Men Knew.

“Because I’ve made these mistakes myself, I know I want to be loving, kind and generous. Most of my clients do, too.”

By

Imagine a new couple in their early 20s. Their relationship is fraying at the edges. She complains that if she doesn’t have sex with him, he mopes for days. If she does have sex with him, he’s happy for a few days before he begins complaining again.

He reports feeling lonely, that she’s not prioritising their relationship, and that he’s tried everything to spark her desire, but nothing works. He has two affairs in a year. She’s devastated and betrayed.

If my wife and I had been wise (and wealthy) enough to go to couples therapy at the lowest point in our marriage, this is how a therapist might have described us.

Shortly after my second affair, shocked and ashamed by my behavior, I began to read books about relationships, got into a men’s support group, started going to therapy, and expanded my friend circle so that my sexual relationship didn’t have to meet all my needs for human connection. Today, I provide therapy for couples in the area of relationships, sex and consent. In particular, I help men improve their relationships.

Because I’ve made these mistakes myself, I know I want to be loving, kind and generous. Most of my clients do, too. Here are four things I wish more men knew about consent.

Pressure kills desire

I used to express feelings of rejection, resentment and hopelessness because my wife and I “had not had sex in so long.” My wife would then go to the calendar and identify the numerous times we’d had sex recently. I could see she was right, but I also couldn’t change my feelings, because I was dependent on her to change my mood. This inability to soothe my emotions created sexual pressure for her.

This is a dynamic I see in my office regularly. When you can’t regulate your emotional responses when a partner declines your offers for sex, the emotional consequences of turning you down creates pressure for your partner. This negative pattern then taints any invitation, offer or initiation of sex inside a relationship. When your partner feels pressured, there’s no room for them to have their own desire, because your desire is taking up all the attention.

The absence of no is not the same as the presence of yes

One of the most common questions I get about this is whether ensuring you receive explicit consent will interrupt the flow of a sexual experience. But that should be the least of our worries. Do you know what interrupts the flow? Feelings of hurt and violation.

While learning consent communication, it may be awkward. But as you get more proficient in consent skills, it will interrupt the flow less, it will get sexier, and you will eventually find that it is a part of the flow with this partner. There will be a smaller learning curve with the next partner, as there is with everything in a new relationship.

The author with a copy of his book.
The author with a copy of his book.

Don’t get defensive

Men, even if you think you’re a “good guy” who would “never do anything like that,” you need to understand that men’s violence against women is pervasive. There’s a reason that women are afraid of men. They have more than likely been a victim of a man’s violence or threats, or are close to a woman who has been a victim of a man’s violence.

If your partner is trying to navigate around past trauma, you can collaborate by asking a new partner, “Is there anything you need me to do, or not to do, to help you feel safe throughout this process?”

If you do trigger their trauma, even inadvertently, don’t get defensive.

I once decided to go for a walk in a recent ex-partner’s neighbourhood. Coincidentally, my recent ex sent me a text asking me where I was and I replied that I was down the street. Women readers have probably gasped.

When this triggered fears exacerbated by her experience with a past stalker, I acknowledged that I had made a mistake, apologised, left, and didn’t repeat the error. She later thanked me for changing my behaviour and helping her feel safer. If I had gotten defensive, I’d have only worsened the situation.

Consent is for you

Men aren’t used to the idea that consent is for us. This is an essential lesson for us to learn.

Eighteen years into our marriage, my wife and I agreed, after almost two years of talking and preparing, to open our marriage to non-monogamy. As I became more confident dating as a polyamorous man, I learned I also needed to use consent to protect myself and my heart.

I had a friend who expressed interest in me, but in her polyamorous relationships, there were some broken agreements and conflicts between partners. Most of those issues weren’t her fault, but they did affect her. This didn’t create a feeling of safety for me, so I said “no thank you” to her offers. But after engaging in many consent conversations, I eventually felt comfortable enough to negotiate a very memorable sexual relationship. I had protected myself with “no,” until “yes” felt right. If it stopped feeling right in the future, I knew I could return to “no.”

Consent isn’t about trying to get consent from our partner. Consent is for people of all genders and all levels of desire. Consent makes us feel better about ourselves and our relationships. I hope to teach more men to prevent harm and increase their capacity to maintain healthy relationships.

Complete Article HERE!

Deconstructing Stonewalling

— This toxic approach to conflict is unintentional or intentional and verbal or nonverbal

Shutting down. Clamming up. Walking out. Giving up.

We all hope that we’ll rise to the occasion and communicate clearly in tough situations — that we’ll stand up for ourselves while being respectful of the needs and feelings of the people we care about.

But sometimes, when the going gets tough, our emotional walls get higher. And with every delay, distraction and deflection — every slammed door, dismissive comment and dodged conversation — those walls become harder to scale.

Psychologist Susan Albers, PsyD, breaks down the concept of stonewalling — what it is, why it happens, and what to do if the behavior is threatening your relationships.

What is stonewalling?

Stonewalling is way of intentionally or unintentionally, verbally or nonverbally withdrawing from a conflict. While some people stonewall on purpose to assert control or do harm, the behavior is often inadvertent. Dr. Albers likens it to turning off the light switch. “You’re having a conversation and all of a sudden, the other person shuts off. Not just verbally or physically — they emotionally disengage.”

She explains that the way we talk about stonewalling in relationships is largely the result of psychologist John Gottman’s writing on the topic. His Cascade Model of Relationship Dissolution uses the imagery of “the four horsemen of the apocalypse” to describe the four ineffective communication styles that he believes can predict divorce. The four styles are:

  1. Criticism.
  2. Defensiveness.
  3. Contempt.
  4. Stonewalling.

His work is influential enough that it’s probably one of the first sources that pops up when you research “stonewalling” online. But even though the most popular writing on the topic focuses on romantic relationships, Dr. Albers says any relationship can encounter stonewalling. Best friends, coworkers, family members … you name it. Politicians stonewall all the time, as do lawyers. Heck, we all do it sometimes!

Stonewalling is a common tactic because (at least in the short term) it works. It’s a defense mechanism that stops the immediate conflict from progressing any further. And it gives the person doing the stonewalling a sense of safety and control over the situation.

But in the long term, Dr. Albers cautions that disengaging from conflict — consciously or unconsciously — can damage or even destroy a relationship.

Unintentional and intentional stonewalling

Building a wall isn’t something you do by accident, but stonewalling might be.

“Unintentional stonewalling is often a sign that someone is having difficulty coping with the conversation,” Dr. Albers explains. “They may be conflict avoidant. It might even be a fight-or-flight response: They need to escape.”

And it’s often the case that people simply don’t have the skills or capacity they need to have the conversation in that moment. “It doesn’t come from a place of wanting to disconnect or distance,” she says. “It’s just not knowing how to have that conversation in a healthy and productive way.”

She adds that stonewalling is a common tactic for people with depression or who have an anxious attachment style. Disengagement can also be a protective measure for a person who struggles with a high level of anxiety or has endured significant trauma. In that case, stonewalling may be a way to calm down and feel safe again. For people who grew up in dysfunctional households, it may be a learned behavior.

In still other cases, stonewalling is a deliberate and emotionally abusive act. A person who stonewalls on purpose is exerting control over (and often demeaning) another person by acting as if their attention and interest are a reward to be “earned.” People with narcissistic personality disorder may be especially inclined toward this behavior.

Verbal and nonverbal stonewalling

Shutting down communication will look different from person to person and situation to situation. According to Dr. Albers, stonewalling can be verbal or nonverbal.

Verbal stonewalling can take the form of “the silent treatment,” but it can be subtler than that, too. Changing the topic, only offering clipped, one- to two-word responses and refusing to answer questions can have the same effect. In some cases, there actually is a conversation happening, but one person is filibustering, or being dismissive, accusatory or aggressive in a way that’s designed to end the discussion.

Nonverbal stonewalling can be as straightforward as avoiding contact or getting up and walking away. Sometimes, it’s a question of body language — rolling one’s eyes, adopting a closed-off posture or refusing to make eye contact. Physical stonewalling can also involve shifting focus. “The biggest one I see is people taking out their phone,” Dr. Albers states. “That stops the conversation immediately.”

The best indicator that somebody’s stonewalling you is how it makes you feel. You may feel frustrated, helpless, confused, disrespected or angry.

How stonewalling can hurt a relationship

Truth be told, everybody stonewalls occasionally. We all experience moments when we just can’t, and that’s OK. It only becomes a problem for a relationship when it goes unaddressed. And if stonewalling becomes an engrained pattern — an established communication style between two people — it can be devastating.

“Stonewalling leaves conflict unresolved, and it can make the other person feel disrespected, or that their perspective isn’t important or valued.” Dr. Albers says. “Sometimes, people just give up, which creates an emotional distance that can be difficult to repair.”

How to stop stonewalling

The apocalypse metaphor Gottman uses to talk about stonewalling in relationships might make your situation feel hopeless. And sure, unlearning a behavior like stonewalling is difficult. But Dr. Albers encourages you to look on the bright side.

“The good news is stonewalling is a pattern that can be addressed,” she reassures. “Once you recognize that you’re doing it, it’s something that can be changed, and that change can do wonders for your relationship.”

So, how do you go about breaking down a wall?

Name the behavior and take a ‘time out’

Dr. Albers shares that the first thing you need to do to stop stonewalling is recognize the behavior in the moment. Particularly if you’re the one doing the stonewalling.

Labeling or naming a behavior can make a big difference because you’re offering the person you’re talking to insight into what’s happening in your head, and why.

“Tell the person you’re talking to that, ‘I’m shutting down right now.’” Dr. Albers advises. “Emphasize that what the person has to say is important, but that you need to calm down before re-engaging in the conversation.” Then, set up a time — minutes, hours or days later — to return to the discussion.

“Don’t just leave it hanging,” she urges.

Here are a few other tips for breaking through a wall — yours, or somebody else’s:

Empathize

If you’re the one doing the stonewalling, acknowledge that your need to step away from a conflict is likely impacting the other person’s feelings — that they may be frustrated, hurt or angry.

If you’re the one being stonewalled, tell the other person that you recognize how difficult it must be for them to have the conversation.

Be mindful of your body language

Are you sitting with your arms and legs crossed? Are you looking at the floor instead of the person you’re talking to? Are you clenching your jaw? Is your body rigid, your posture frozen? “Sometimes, we’re not aware that we’re giving signals that we don’t want to talk,” Dr. Albers points out.

Vocalize your needs

Change doesn’t happen overnight — especially when the thing you’re trying to change is a communication style. And conflict isn’t one-sided. That means there needs to be give and take on both sides.

At some time when you aren’t actively in conflict, have a conversation about what you each need to get through difficult conversations. If you struggle to articulate your thoughts and feelings when you’re upset, you might need time to write things out before having a tough conversation. Or maybe the other person isn’t at a place where they can maintain eye contact during a conflict, so they need to be allowed to demonstrate engagement in another way.

Accommodating each other’s needs — even in difficult moments — is a sign of respect and good faith.

Stay emotionally engaged

It’s happening. You’re shutting down, freezing up, disconnecting. You’re not able to have this conversation right now.

That’s OK. Talking isn’t everything.

“You can still engage with someone emotionally without having a conversation,” Dr. Albers offers. “Maybe you don’t leave the room. You sit next to them. You hold their hand. Even if you’re not going to be able to have that conversation, you can still be emotionally engaged.”

Respond calmly

It’s always important to be respectful in your conversations, but it’s extra important if you know that the person you’re trying to communicate with is conflict averse, anxious or has a history of trauma. Raising your voice, interrupting or adopting an aggressive posture will push a stonewaller away. Active listening skills can go a long way in a situation like this.

“Even if you don’t like what the other person is saying, respond calmly,” Dr. Albers stresses. “It’s more likely to encourage them to keep going versus shutting them down.”

See a therapist

If stonewalling has become your go-to technique for dealing with difficult situations, it could be a good idea to unpack the reasons why with a counselor. Not only can they help you sort through any underlying issues that are impacting your behavior, but they can also help you learn and practice healthier communication styles.

If there’s a specific relationship where the behavior needs to be addressed, couples, marriage or family counseling could be especially useful.

Tearing down walls and building bridges

When we stonewall, we’re emotionally disengaging from a conflict. Sometimes, we do it on purpose, and sometimes, we do it without realizing it. Stonewalling can take many forms. Sometimes it’s physical, like walking away or avoiding somebody. Sometimes, it’s giving somebody “the silent treatment.” And sometimes, we stonewall with words, by changing the subject or minimizing the situation.

Although some individuals stonewall on purpose to assert control or do harm, the behavior is often unintentional. That’s because it’s a natural response to a situation where an individual lacks the capacity to handle their feelings or communicate effectively. Stonewalling is a particularly common coping mechanism for people with anxiety, depression a history of trauma or a conflict-avoidant personality.

While it’s an understandable defense mechanism that we all employ from time to time, habitual stonewalling is toxic to relationships — be they romantic, familial, friendly or professional. It can be a tough habit to break, but it’s worth the effort. Once you recognize it’s happening — and learn to respond in a different way — your relationships with other people will be easier to navigate and (we couldn’t resist) a lot less rocky.

Complete Article HERE!

Can Kink Help You Let Go of Shame and Anxiety in the Bedroom?

— Folding in kink and BDSM play can help soothe anxious feelings and release shame.

By Jackie Lam

Key Points

  • Kink and BDSM may help alleviate anxiety, release shame and boost creativity.
  • Go slow. Learn the ropes of kink before you dive in.
  • It doesn’t have to look like “Fifty Shades of Grey.” There are other options, including safer ones that may be easier for beginners.

Common depictions of kink and BDSM, or bondage, discipline and sado-masochism, include latex, whips and flogging devices. These popularized notions of kink and BDSM culture are mainstream thanks to cultural phenomena such as “Fifty Shades of Grey.”

But kink has a much broader range of options—and it doesn’t have to involve a ball gag. Many women struggling with feelings of shame and anxiety experience challenges letting go in the bedroom. Here’s how kink could help.

How can kink help reduce anxiety?

In Norway, roughly 38 percent of people have experimented with a kinky activity during sex, suggested a 2021 study. Kink is more common than we may think, and it could have some unexpected potential health benefits.

Grounding techniques, meditation and spending time in nature can help you gain control of anxiety. There’s one avenue, though, that not everyone knows can help reduce anxiety—and it starts in the bedroom.

BDSM sex may help, as kink can potentially generate flow and transient hypofrontality, or the need for the brain to think, suggested a 2022 study.

What are the different types of sexual shame?

Sexual shame is a particular form of shame characterized by feelings of humiliation or disgust around one’s own identity and sexuality, according to a 2017 study.

Feelings of shame are made up of three main parts:

  1. Relationship sexual shame. This has to do with interpersonal relationships and feelings involving others.
  2. Internalized shame. Feelings of humiliation, disgust or abnormality are sometimes expressed as bodily shame.
  3. Sexual inferiority. Feeling as if you’re not meeting your sexual expectations, often due to societal norms and cultural expectations, can result in shame.

What are the origins of sexual shame?

Where do shameful feelings about sex come from? The answer is complex and varies between people, but there are common sources.

Sexual shame can stem from several places and may be due to the following factors, said Maria “Two-Straps” Hintog, an EDSE sex educator based in Los Angeles:

  • Culture
  • Gender norms
  • Gender roles
  • Gender expectations
  • Social settings
  • Religion and the church

“A lot of the shame comes from our upbringing and our past experiences because, especially as kids, we’re absorbing gender norms and the cultural norms and what you’re not supposed to do,” Hintog said.

Those childhood experiences shape our future selves. These feelings can lead to anxiety for some people.

“So we’re told not to do something, but we don’t know why. We just absorb that information. And then, as we grew older, we’re like, ‘Why is this bad? Nobody told me why it’s bad. They just told me it is,'” Hintog said.

What is the difference in sexual shame between men and women?

Men scored far higher than women on suppressing their sexual desire, suggested a 2023 study. However, there wasn’t much difference between the two genders when it came to sexual desire or sexual shame.

There wasn’t a dramatic difference in cognitive reappraisal, which has to do with changing how a person thinks about a particular situation in the bedroom. Many of us grow up in homes that discourage talking about sex, power and consent, said Mistress Amanda Wildefyre, a professional dominatrix based in Minneapolis.

“Some of us have been taught that it’s wrong to want experiences that don’t match up with our gender or that only certain types of people can enjoy sex,” Wildefrye said.

How can kink help women express desires and set boundaries?

“Engaging in kink/BDSM is a multi-edged sword—in a good way,” Wildefyre said. “These alternative practices ask us to learn to communicate our desires, negotiate expectations and express enthusiastic consent with our partners. BDSM play also encourages us to recognize and reflect on our physical and emotional reactions during and after intimacy.” By following a safe and consensual framework, kink and BDSM can offer the built-in reward of satisfaction and affirmation of our unique desires, which may lead to a reduction of shame and anxiety over time, Wildefyre said.

“When you’re doing those things in that controlled environment, sometimes that’s enough to remind the person that it’s okay,” Hintog said. “‘I’m safe. I don’t have any further repercussions from this.'”

How can kink help you feel safe with the right partner?

A controlled environment, boundaries and aftercare can play into creating a safe space. These feelings of safety can help release bouts of anxiety and shame. “Kink/BDSM play offers a template for clear communication about likes and dislikes, compatibility and expectations,” Wildfyre said. “Safewords give us an explicit language to indicate when we need a pause or would like the action to stop.” Healing can occur during aftercare—the emotional, mental, spiritual and physical caretaking aspects after a sexual experience.

“When you’re with a partner you trust, that aftercare builds connection and intimacy,” Two-Straps said. “And it tells your brain, ‘We did this scary thing in a controlled environment, and now we’re safe.'”

How can kink help you relax and transform shame?

At its best, kink/BDSM offers a narrative-changing context for pleasure and approval for the parts of ourselves we have been made to feel ashamed of, Wildfyre said.

As a teenager, Wildfyre was teased relentlessly for being “too tall.” When she started playing with female dominance, her height became an asset. An athletic, cis-gendered masculine-expressing male, for example, might feel more comfortable indulging in being submissive, something for which they may have previously been ashamed.

BDSM activities indicated reductions in psychological stress and an increase in a mental state linked to heightened creativity, indicated a 2016 study.

Where can you go to learn more about kink and BDSM?

If you’re keen on exploring kink, Hintog suggested relying on reputable sources. Immerse yourself in BDSM 101. Find local meetup groups or sign up for workshops to build community with like-minded people.

See if there are reputable dungeons, or safe areas for BDSM, near you. When exploring kink with a partner, it’s important to negotiate boundaries and consent, explained Hintog. Kinky scenes can involve physical, psychological and emotional risk. “Education, making friends and building community are a great way to start,” Hintog said. “That way, you’re learning as much as you can.”

Let your kinky side emerge at a pace you’re comfortable with.

“If in a relationship, you can introduce a few new things at a time and explore together, which is very bonding and playful when done with a loving partner,” said Charlynn Ruan, Ph.D., a California-based clinical psychologist and founder of Thrive Psychology Group. “If single, there are workshops and events where you can go and observe before getting involved.”

The bottom line

If you’re new to kink and the BDSM world, have realistic expectations, Wildfyre said. Kink and BDSM play may have a unique array of potential benefits, from alleviating shame and anxiety to boosting creativity, but don’t rush the learning process.

“Even though you may have had kinky fantasies all your life, it will take some time and a bit of compromise to bring your explorations to the real world,” Wildfyre said.

Complete Article HERE!

9 Benefits of Sex Therapy

—The benefits of sex therapy are multiple and go beyond those related to sexual dysfunctions. Take note of all the information.

By Valeria Sabater

Currently, a significant part of the population is unaware of all the benefits of sex therapy. There’s still a certain stigma and the classic belief that only those who present some dysfunction, such as anorgasmia or premature ejaculation, go to these professionals. However, this methodology addresses multiple dynamics and needs.

It’s important to know that its most relevant purpose is to make you feel good. Such an objective implies achieving everything from having satisfactory intimate relationships to building happier bonds with your partner.

Addressing concerns and possible traumas or even giving you guidelines to guide your adolescent children on issues related to sex are also some of the benefits of sex therapy. In this article, we’ll explain everything this form of therapy does for you.

What are the benefits of sex therapy?

Sex therapy was developed in the 1960s, thanks to the marriage of William Masters and Virginia Johnson. Their book, Human Sexual Response (1966), was quite revolutionary because it broke down many prejudices and taboos. Since then, this approach has been strengthened, and it integrates the medical model with the psychological one.

The technique is feasible both for individuals and for couples and is based on conversation that creates a framework of trust from which to provide solutions and tools for having a more harmonious life on both emotional and sexual levels. In addition, it has great scientific endorsement and, every day, contributes to recovering the well-being of thousands of people. Below, we’ll describe the main benefits of sex therapy.

1. It contributes to having a more satisfying sex life

Sex life with your partner may no longer be as exciting or satisfying as it used to be. Sometimes, without any physiological problem, there’s something wrong and it’s difficult to restore that special harmony you used to share. A work published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior indicates that one of the most common causes for which therapy is sought is a discrepancy in sexual desire.

The fact that one partner in the relationship wants to have sex more often, while the other avoids it, is common. Therefore, something a sex therapist will guide and help you with is having a full intimate life. This implies resolving any difficulties, disagreements, or inconveniences in this area.

2. The treatment of sexual problems

Throughout our lives, people can go through different sexual problems. Sometimes it’s a difficulty in achieving an orgasm, while, in other cases, conditioning factors such as menopause, times of stress, or suffering from a disease play a part when it comes to enjoying intimate relationships.

Mayo Clinic Proceedings reports something important in a study. A significant portion of sexual dysfunctions in women go unrecognized and untreated. Men are also often reticent on this issue. For this reason, it’s important for society to become aware of the benefits of sexual therapy. Next, we’ll go into detail about the conditions that the methodology usually addresses:

  • Phobias
  • Paraphilias and sexual fixations
  • Vaginismus
  • Premature ejaculation
  • Male impotence
  • Hypoactive sexual disorder
  • Female Orgasmic Disorder
  • Male Orgasmic Disorder
  • Possible sexual addictions
  • Sexual problems in menopause
  • Dyspareunia (painful intercourse)
  • Sexual difficulties associated with aging
  • Sexual problems associated with other diseases
  • Improving the sex life of couples during and after pregnancy
  • Improving the sex life of people with physical or psychological disabilities

3. Discovery of the most powerful sexual organ

The most decisive sexual organ is your brain, and the best way to have a satisfying sex life is to stimulate your imagination. In this way, some aspects that you’ll work on in therapy are your fantasies and desires.

These dimensions are extraordinary channels for awakening eroticism and enlivening your relationship as a couple, deactivating prejudices, and dismissing shame.

4. Reducing fears and anxiety

Have you heard of sexual performance anxiety? There are many people who doubt their ability to offer pleasure to their partners. The fear of not being up to the task, failing, or appearing clumsy or inexperienced is a frequent reality in clinical practice.

For this reason, one of the benefits of sex therapy is to address fears related to sex. There are multiple strategies that make it easier to effectively resolve insecurities in order to have a rewarding sex life.

Likewise, therapists always create a space of empathy, security, and trust from which to clarify your doubts and receive effective advice in any area. Psychoeducation on sexual matters also falls within their tasks.

The pharmaceutical industry seeks to provide a solution to sexual dysfunctions that can be addressed through sex therapy. Many of the problems in this area have more to do with mental factors than with physiological conditions.

5. Overcoming sexual trauma

An article in the scientific journal Frontiers in Psychology highlights that patients with sexual trauma need a special type of care that provides adequate security and respect for their personal history. Sex therapy has always addressed such delicate realities as abuse, rape, or mistreatment in couple relationships.

6. Enhanced intimacy and emotional connection

Authentic pleasure in sex doesn’t occur in the body but originates in the brain, as we’ve already suggested. If you’re in crisis with your partner and there are unaddressed grudges or disagreements, it’ll be difficult to enjoy intimacy. Given this, a sex therapist guides you to promote coexistence and connection with your loved one through the following strategies:

  • Teaching resources to solve problems
  • Offering techniques that improve communication
  • Providing strategies to revive desire in the relationship
  • Facilitating spaces in which partners can get to know each other in a more intimate and profound way
  • Collaborating in better regulating emotions in order to connect in a meaningful way

7. Sex therapy allows you to get to know yourself much better

One of the most notable benefits of sex therapy is its impact on your mental health. Sex goes beyond the biological field: It’s also a psychological dimension and, above all, a cultural one. Sometimes, the way you’re educated or even the prejudices you have on this subject condition your ability to enjoy a full life in this regard.

The specialist in this area will allow you to explore and get to know yourself better as a person. You’ll be able to understand your sexuality, fantasies, and desires. No matter your age or the personal moment in which you find yourself, you always have time to look within yourself, drop your defenses, reformulate misconceptions about sex, and enjoy it.

8. It’s an inclusive therapy

Today’s sex therapy is also inclusive. What does this mean? You can find therapists trained in sexual diversity. McGill University in Montreal alludes to the advances that exist right now. This clinical field moves with our times and works to challenge stereotypes and promote a more inclusive and equitable vision of sexuality.

In this way, members of the LGBTIQ+ community benefit from more sensitive, trained, and effective attention to their particular needs and realities.

9. The prevention of future problems

Sex therapy not only addresses problems and educates us in the field of sexuality, but it also has a decisive role in prevention. Even if right now you feel good in your life as a couple and have good intimate health, it never hurts to learn new tools to avoid or address possible future problems.

Knowing, for example, how daily stress affects sexuality or how to respond to monotony in your emotional bond through new approaches are strategies that therapists educate you.

How to find a sex therapist who can help me?

Remember, you don’t have to wait for serious problems in order to start sex therapy. It’s best to go as soon as you have a concern or doubts or don’t feel satisfaction with your intimate life. If you want to look for a therapist in this area, look at the fields in which they specialize. There are some professionals who exclusively address organic or medical aspects.

However, most are prepared to treat both possible dysfunctions and relational problems and advise you on any aspect related to sexuality. Always contact specialists who follow techniques backed by science and don’t forget the most decisive thing: Being honest. Don’t be afraid to express your needs and concerns. Only then will you receive the best care possible.

It might interest you…

Complete Article HERE!

“Pleasure is Holy”

— How These Latinas Broke Free From Purity Culture

By Jessica Hoppe

The story of how I lost my virginity — a tale I long held onto — was a lie. A fiction as false as the construct itself, I fabricated the narrative to please my boyfriend. Before we got together, he expressed that my chastity was one of the most appealing qualities I possessed. His previous girlfriend had not been a virgin, and he resented not having been her first. Sloppy seconds, the boys called it. Although I became sexually active with him, I’d done it once before, a fact that I clearly needed to keep secret if I wanted him to pick me.

This double standard barely registered to me as a teen. Though premarital sex was not allowed, it was normal for men to have sex before marriage. Raised as a Jehovah’s Witness, a sect of US evangelical Christianity, my mother hoped the religion would safeguard her daughters against the violence she’d endured — a common response to abuse and gender discrimination. In reality, however, organized religion often uses fear to control our bodies, corrupting natural rites of passage through an anti-pleasure philosophy.

Over a decade of affiliation, I watched as the church judged and punished dozens of women for acting upon their desires. The men who did the same didn’t face any humiliation or consequences. Sequestered behind closed doors for hours, girls had no choice but to answer to a tribunal of elders — three or four self-appointed, middle-aged white men — who, through an intimately inappropriate line of questioning and based on the rumors they had heard about each girl’s behavior, assessed her level of repentance. From what I saw, the tribunal never believed any of the women or girls were contrite. 


“Raised as a Jehovah’s Witness, a sect of US evangelical Christianity, my mother hoped the religion would safeguard her daughters against the violence she’d endured — a common response to abuse and gender discrimination. In reality, however, organized religion often uses fear to control our bodies, corrupting natural rites of passage through an anti-pleasure philosophy.”
— jessica hoppe

When the elders deemed the victims guilty, everyone would find out. An appointed elder read their names aloud at the following service, publicly declaring their status to the congregation as disfellowshipped, which initiated a period of banishment. No one could speak to or acknowledge her for months — some for years — until the elders decided she was repentant and approved her reinstatement.

Through this indoctrination and the gravity of our family history, I began to think of my sexuality as separate from my body, aligning myself with the dictates of purity culture in order to be chosen. So I could feel safe. I had no idea I’d fallen prey to a favorite instrument of white supremacy.

Evangelists contextualize sex exclusively within a heteronormative framework and uphold the image of a thin, able-bodied, cis, straight, white woman as the epitome of purity, perpetuating colonial and Eurocentric values that systemically oppress women of color. The promise to wait for marriage seems universal, but what is the result when that aspiration is unattainable no matter your actions because it’s at odds with your identity?

As it turns out, it can wreak havoc on your mental health and familial relationships. A study conducted at University of Massachusetts Boston found that while the normalization of oppression — the restriction of sexual agency, the teaching of shame as a response to pleasure, and the perpetuation of rape culture — harms all, women of color were uniquely injured by the alienation of the rhetoric, expressing symptoms that “mimic that of posttraumatic stress disorder.”


“Specifically within the Latinx community, purity culture comes from marianismo, a deep devotion toward the Virgin Mary and a set of beliefs that encourage women to be pure, wait until marriage, respect patriarchal values, and self-sacrifice for the sake of the family.”
— Adriana Alejandre

Specifically within the Latinx community, purity culture comes from marianismo, a deep devotion toward the Virgin Mary and a set of beliefs that encourage women to be pure, wait until marriage, respect patriarchal values, and self-sacrifice for the sake of the family, ” Adriana Alejandre, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and founder of Latinx Therapy tells Refinery29 Somos. “Whereas, the opposite is allowed for men. There is more forgiveness when men do not respect purity culture than for girls or women. When individuals outgrow this controlling perspective, it often creates estrangement among family members.”

Alejandre further explains that the effects from childhood are lifelong and require that we “unlearn harmful messages around sexuality and gender, such as virginity being a woman’s only worth and gift to husband upon marriage, being ashamed of sexual desires, [dressing] modestly, among many others.”

It is in regaining self-trust that healing can begin. Alejandre advises her clients to pay attention to the feeling of control and imposition. When is the message not coming from within you? “We can reject purity culture by embracing liberation, having open and developmentally appropriate conversations about sex to children, refraining from making statements such as, ‘sex is for marriage,’ and teaching all generations about body autonomy and consent,” she explains.Lastly, I would recommend journaling about messages you received around sex, sexual education, consent, and sexual expression. Some questions to ask can include: How do these topics make me feel when I talk about them out loud to someone else? What are messages I grew up with? What are some beliefs I still carry even though I may not want to? How has my sexual expression changed over time?”


“It is my choice now to rebuke it and reclaim my own: Pleasure is holy; it is freedom, and it is my birthright.”
— JESSICA HOPPE

While I do not turn to scripture often in my recovery from religious and sexual trauma, I do take delight in knowing that the Bible muses erotically through the entire Book of Solomon: A sensual collection of poems depicting lustful, consensual encounters ripe with juicy metaphors for arousal, genitalia, oral sex, and a woman who is not cast to fall on her back and receive; she is the pursuant. It is the story of her sexual awakening, and she never suffers for her passion. The sex is triumphant.

In rereading these ancient texts, I am reminded that it is the church’s calculated interpretations that have perverted sex with shame, a toxic message perpetuated from pulpits all over the world and across generations. It is my choice now to rebuke it and reclaim my own: Pleasure is holy; it is freedom, and it is my birthright. Here, three Latinas from different religious backgrounds discuss how they liberated themselves from purity culture and what they found on the other side.

Joy Valerie Carrera

I grew up evangelical Christian. To me, purity culture was something that was about remaining pure for God, and how it manifested in my life was through unrealistic standards of perfectionism in my relationships, in my behavior, and in my ways of being to ensure that I would one day enter heaven and could not afford to mess up because of one tiny thing. It fed into this anxiety. As a neurodivergent child, it made me feel like I was constantly messing up and not fitting this mold of “perfect.” It contributed to masking so much of who I truly was.

As a teenager, I remember signing a pact with God that I would remain pure until marriage. I was given a key to symbolize my virginity, the key to my heart that on my wedding night I would give to my husband. When I was 16, I thought I was in love with my high school boyfriend. I was waiting for marriage, and we had been dating for a year. My hormonal teenage brain figured a “loophole” would be that it was fine if we had sex because we would eventually get married. I ended up leaving religion at 18, but the conditioning was there and something I would keep learning to rewire. I had been raised to believe that once you had sex, you were tied and bonded to the person for a lifetime, so I ended up staying in this relationship longer than I should have, even though it was unhealthy. I had this guilt and shame that I could not break my pact with God. 


“Purity culture was something that was about remaining pure for God, and how it manifested in my life was through unrealistic standards of perfectionism in my relationships, in my behavior, and in my ways of being to ensure that I would one day enter heaven.”
— Joy Valerie Carrera

I was assaulted at 21, and that was a huge turning point for me because I logically knew it was not my fault, but I had that deep ingrained belief that because I had betrayed God and left the church I was being punished. I transitioned into the complete opposite, exploring my sexuality fully and doing everything that I was told I was not supposed to, but still had this underlying guilt and shame.

It has taken me 10 years of therapy, coaching, deep reflection, so much exploration, and embracing self-love to unlearn the deep, old religious conditioning. I now feel more confident in who I am and realize when the shame pops up, those aren’t my beliefs. They are beliefs that are ready to be liberated. This next phase of my journey, I hope to keep letting go of those to enter into conscious, intimate, and healthy relationships free from the pressure that my religious upbringing put on me.

Margot Spindola

As a cis Latina woman who went to Catholic K-12 school in a small rural town, purity culture was communicated to me through a series of insidious signals and messages that brought about immense introspection, shame, and insecurity about my own body — something I still struggle with unlearning to this day.

I learned about purity in Catholic school. While in seventh grade, I took a sexual education course taught by one of the moms of the community who was also a registered nurse. Despite her background, I distinctly remember her standing at the front of the class, waving her hands in the air, and telling us, “Condoms are of the devil.”

When I was 14 or 15 years old, my immigrant mami slipped a “God’s Plan” brochure underneath my bedroom door.I was already on my way to having sex by then, so it’s maddening that other people felt like they had control over my body when I was barely even wrapping my head around my own relationship with it.

In my junior year of high school, I attended what they called a “Morality” class, where philosophical debate and scripture overlapped and we would spend hours listening to my teacher drone on about natural family planning and how having premarital sex would send me straight on the path to purgatory. Because I was already feeling the asphyxiating grasp of organized religion’s hands around my neck, I knew that this talk of being a virgin was likely to be a scam. I didn’t yet realize or understand the invisible script it had coded into my body as I grew older. For a short time, I wore a purity ring. At the time, I didn’t truly resonate with my body and felt numb. Following the scripts my community gave me felt like the only way forward


The most radical act of rejecting purity culture is acknowledging the harms it has perpetuated.”
— Margot Spindola

Fast-forward to today, I’m 27 years old, and I embrace pleasure. But this didn’t happen overnight. It was a gradual process of self-reflection, critical thinking, and having conversations about sex. My body is no longer someone else’s to dictate. Instead, it is the “practice ground for transformation,” as adrianne maree brown so thoughtfully affirms in her book, Pleasure Activism. I’m thankful for the ways I was taught, regardless of the harm caused, because for better or for worse, it became a catalyst for my reckoning with my body. Instead of ignoring my body’s signals for pleasure (sexual or not), I embrace the ups and downs of where it takes me.

It has taken, and will take me, a long time to get to a place of crafting my own pleasure practice. It’s not to say that shame doesn’t sneak up on me, or that sometimes sex with a man can feel pressuring or the need to serve comes up. But the most radical act of rejecting purity culture is acknowledging the harms it has perpetuated.

Cindy Luquin

From my earliest memories, the concept of purity culture was ingrained in me through my family’s religious beliefs, particularly within the context of Pentecostalism. As the first child born in my family, I witnessed how religious congregations often served as a sanctuary for immigrant families from Latin America when they first arrived in the US, providing a sense of belonging and practical support.

The strong influence of Pentecostalism, combined with my Guatemalan heritage, created a subtle denial of our Maya Indigenous roots within our religious practice. I vividly recall an incident when I was just 4 years old, dressing up in traditional Indigenous clothing for a church event, which stirred conflicting emotions of pride and unease.

These early encounters with purity culture and the erasure of our Maya heritage left a lasting impression, highlighting the complex interplay between religious teachings, cultural identity, and the need for acceptance within the community. As I grew older, the effects of purity culture manifested in a profound internal struggle. I felt wrong for questioning the belief system and witnessed a disturbing double standard regarding gender roles and abusive behaviors.


“Although remnants of my religious upbringing occasionally resurface, I have done the necessary work in therapy and through personal healing to reclaim my bodily autonomy and liberate myself from judgment.”
— Cindy Luquin

The impact of purity culture led me to suppress my true identity and creative expression as a queer bisexual person. It burdened me with shame and guilt, leading to physical manifestations and a strategy of “faking” illness to avoid attending church. Only later did I realize that these feelings were genuine, rooted in the anxiety I felt about the constraints imposed on me.

In my early 20s, the pivotal experience of moving away to college granted me the freedom to explore my true identity and embark on a journey of self-discovery. Today, I proudly identify as a spiritual queer person, reconnecting with my Maya heritage and embracing the wisdom of Maya cosmology, which values earth, medicine, and nature.

Although remnants of my religious upbringing occasionally resurface, I have done the necessary work in therapy and through personal healing to reclaim my bodily autonomy and liberate myself from judgment. This process has instilled in me a sense of responsibility to support and guide others as a queer elder and educator, free from judgment.

Complete Article HERE!

How growing up in purity culture impacts sex

— The effects of shame-based narratives can have a big impact on our ability to experience pleasure fully.

By Gigi Engle

Purity culture messaging is everywhere. Even if you didn’t grow up particularly religious or even if you had fully atheist caregivers, it’s likely you’ve been exposed to messages from purity culture in some form.

Just look at the sex ed we have in the western world: It’s often focused on abstinence and the dangers of sex. This is rooted in purity culture. Look at sexual spirituality (a movement that masquerades as enlightenment and spiritual awakening all over social media) claiming that you need to sage your genitals in order to “cleanse” yourself of past lovers. Purity. Culture.

Purity culture has seen a massive uptick on social media, especially on TikTok with the emergence of “puriteen” views, finding a niche where it can spread the messages of needing to stay “virginal” and “pure” in order to be considered a good or worthy person in the pretty dressing of fun little videos. It’s sinister, really.

While I myself did not grow up in the church, as a sexuality professional — a sex-positive certified sex educator who specializes, amongst other things, in undoing the damaging messages of purity culture, while advocating for sexual freedom and autonomy – I have worked with countless folx who have. Much of the work my colleagues and I do is around detangling sexuality from the messages of purity culture. It can feel like walking backwards on a treadmill sometimes. This messaging is incredibly harmful and impacts people in myriad ways.

Purity culture messaging is insidious from every angle – but one of the most salient is the impact on sexuality. This “type of subculture isolates us into a box (or perhaps a cage) to the point where it is difficult to express ourselves sexually and it prevents us from having autonomy in seeking sexual relationships,” says Dr. Lee Phillips, Ed.D, a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist.

Basically, it messes with our understanding and connection to our sexuality. And it’s dangerous and damaging.

Whether you’ve freshly thrown off the shackles of purity culture, are attempting to do so presently – or escaped a long time ago, let’s break down how purity culture impacts sexuality – and how you can start to unlearn these messages in order to embrace pleasure and sexual freedom to the fullest extent.

Purity culture is centered on sexuality. While it targets everyone, it specifically centers around female sexuality – and female chastity, Philips says. It emphasizes staying “pure,” which means not having sex (usually intercourse) before marriage.

While this is sort of the cut-and-dry definition, Laurie Mintz, Ph.D. a licensed psychologist, certified sex therapist, and author of Becoming Cliterate, points out that modern Evangelical views of “purity” go far beyond this simplest framework. Within contemporary, fundamental Christianity, not only are women and girls responsible for not engaging in sex of any kind (or even having sexual thoughts), they become the gatekeepers for male sexuality. “Young women and girls in this culture are instructed to be submissive to men, and to be careful how they dress and interact with others to avoid ‘tempting’ men.” Women and girls are seen as the “moral foundation” of society and are pressured to behave modestly so they don’t make the men around them horny. Awesome.

“Young women and girls in this culture are instructed to be submissive to men, and to be careful how they dress and interact with others to avoid ‘tempting’ men.”

It is a culture of sexual suppression. It means “suppressing or trying to pray away any sexual thoughts and fantasies, desires, not masturbating, not looking at certain media, and generally demonizing all forms of sexual expression outside of traditional heterosexual marriage,” explains Lucy Rowett, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist, who specializes in purity culture and sexuality.

What purity culture messages look like

Now, what do these messages look like, really? Here are a few deeply disturbing examples.

  • Mintz points to likening women to a chewed-up piece of gum than no one would want if they have sexual experiences before marriage.
  • Telling women and girls they are responsible for the behavior of men and boys – that they must have tempted them if they are sexually assaulted or harassed. “Men must be both leaders and ultra masculine, but also cannot control their sexual desires,” Rowett says.
  • Being a good woman means always being submissive to men.
  • Your spiritual value, your “purity”, and your whole value as a person “comes from not just not having sex before marriage, but suppressing your entire sexuality,” Rowett says.
  • Your ability to truly love a partner will be damaged if you have sex – and no one will want you anyway because you’re “damaged goods.
  • If you watch porn, you are addicted to porn. And porn will 100 percent ruin your life. AND you’re going to hell.

These messages are baseless, incorrect, damaging – and downright dangerous. They are anti-science – entirely socially constructed by a puritanical society that wants to demonize sexuality in any form that doesn’t fall within heterosexual marriage.

How the messages of purity culture can filter into our sexuality

Even if we choose to reject the messages of purity culture later in life, they can still negatively impact us without even being aware of it. Shame-based messages are sticky little fuckers. They get their claws into our psyche and refuse to let go. They’re like emotional bedbugs: They burrow in and end up disrupting your peace. Philips points out that these early messages of shame can be quite traumatic – and this trauma impacts the mind-body messaging system.

Central to our ability to experience pleasure during sex is the connection between our brains and bodies. In order to experience pleasure and orgasm to the fullest extent, we need to feel calm and safe. This relaxed state facilitates the messages between the brain and body which, in turn, allows us to experience desire and physical arousal.

Because of the negative messages of purity culture and sexual shame, we can go into a state of Fight, Flight, or Freeze during sexual activity. This breaks the mind-body messaging system. This is a trauma response. As Mintz explains, “If one has been indoctrinated with the message that sex is sinful, that they are sinful, and the like, it is going to result in being immersed in shameful, negative self-talk during sex, rather than experiencing and immersing in one’s body sensations.”

Philips points to the following examples of how the trauma of purity culture messaging can lead to sexual difficulties:

  • Experiencing a sexual problem and believing it is your fault.
  • Feeling very little or nothing during sex.
  • Not speaking up or avoiding discussing sex at all.
  • Unexplained pain, tension, softness, or ejaculation problems for AMAB (assigned male at birth) people.
  • Wanting to rush through sexual experiences.
  • Finding it difficult to engage in sex without relying on substances.
  • Feeling like you are too much or not enough.
  • Feeling afraid to take risks.
  • Losing connection to playfulness.
  • Difficulties with orgasm.
  • Feeling unworthy of pleasure.
  • Being stuck in a cycle of unfulfilling sexual behavior and/or experiences.

5 tips for purity culture dropouts to increase their sexual pleasure

Give yourself the time you need to really heal

Congratulations! You’ve escaped from purity culture and you should be proud. With that being said, the healing process will likely take a long time. “Remember to give yourself a lot of time and space to heal, and know that you don’t need to figure it all out now,” Rowett says. You’ve been inundated with these sex-shaming messages for your whole upbringing. It is going to take time to untangle them and move forward. You’re brave and you’ve got this.

Feel your damn feelings

When it comes to unlearning harmful messaging, emotions can bubble up and spill out. As tempting as it may be to tamp these down, try to sit with them. Revel in the discomfort of it. “You might feel sad and want to mourn the lost years of your sex life,” Philips explains. “You might feel angry, or personally victimized. You may feel hurt. Whatever is there to feel, feel it fully.”

Resource yourself and find community

Start reading books and digesting media from people who have been on this same journey. Mintz suggests reading the book Pure and watching the documentary Deconstructing My Religion to start. Media can help you feel less alone. Next, find your people. There are so many purity culture dropout forums online where you can find people who have the same lived experience that you do.

“Unlearning such toxic, harmful messages is difficult — but with education and support, it is possible.”

Seek professional help

“Unlearning such toxic, harmful messages is difficult — but with education and support, it is possible,” Mitz says. Hire a professional sex therapist or coach who specifically works with folx who come from purity culture. Rowett even has amazing classes that are centered on embracing your pleasure and leaving shame in the past. Learn more here.

Practice conscious masturbation

Conscious masturbation is when you go really slowly with self-touch, breathing deeply and connecting with the sensations in your body. “As you practice conscious masturbation, you will progressively begin to feel safer in your body. This might not happen overnight (especially if the roots of trauma or sexual shame run deep), but it will happen with patience, love, and persistence,” Philips says. It’s simply about being with your body and allowing it to experience pleasure. It is a brilliant way to come into yourself and embrace that your body’s a vessel for pleasure. And that you deserve pleasure!

It might feel like a long road ahead of you, but you can and WILL recover from the trauma of growing up in purity culture. You’re already on your way. And you’re going to crush it.

Complete Article HERE!

Surviving purity culture

— How I healed a lifetime of sexual shame

By Linda Kay Klein

In the 1990s, a movement born out of the white, American, evangelical Christian church swept the globe: purity culture. They weren’t the first or only fundamentalist religion to sexually shame women & girls. But this time, the message was mainstream, almost cool: women and girls are either pure or impure, depending on their sexuality. Decades later, we’re just starting to grapple with the long-term effects of these teachings. In this deeply intimate talk, Linda Kay Klein shares how she recovered from purity culture’s toxic teaching — and how she helps others do the same.

Linda Kay Klein is the award-winning author of “Pure: Inside the Evangelical Movement that Shamed a Generation of Young Women and How I Broke Free.” She is a purity culture recovery coach and the founder and president of Break Free Together, a nonprofit serving individuals recovering from gender- and sexuality-based religious trauma. She has an interdisciplinary Master’s degree in gender, sexuality, and religion from New York University and is a trained Our Whole Lives (OWL) sexuality education facilitator. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community.

Sexual Assault

— How to Help Your Loved One

Each year, millions of men and women in the United States are affected by sexual violence. It is distressing to find out that someone you love has been a victim of sexual assault, but there are steps you can take to offer support.

By

  • After a sexual assault, it may be easy to lose focus on what is most important; your primary focus should be on your loved one’s physical and emotional needs.
  • During this crisis, your loved one needs your unconditional support and care.
  • Following a sexual assault, victims face making difficult decisions; respecting your loved one’s decisions without question is essential.

How to respond

It is hard to know how to react after finding out a loved one has been a victim of sexual assault. It takes courage for someone to disclose what happened, and you may be at a loss for how to respond.

Each individual reacts and copes with traumatic events differently. Your loved one may be tearful, angry, withdrawn, or even laughing and joking. These are all normal responses to trauma; the best thing to do is be a supportive presence.

Personal and physical safety and well-being are of utmost importance. You can help create a safety plan to avoid contact with the person who assaulted your loved one. You should contact law enforcement if your loved one is receiving threats or is in imminent danger.

If your loved one wishes to seek medical attention, many hospitals have sexual assault nurse examiners available. These nurses can offer a sexual assault examination and collect forensic evidence several days after a sexual assault.

Ways you can offer support

It may be challenging to know how to comfort a loved one who has been a victim of sexual assault. The most important thing is to express your care and concern. Offering support can be done in a variety of ways.

  • Ask your loved one what you can do to help. Let your loved one express what you can do to help them feel comfortable and safe. It may be as simple as gathering their favorite comfort items, like their favorite fuzzy blanket and slippers.
  • Validate your loved one’s feelings. They may be overwhelmed by a wide range of confusing emotions. Listen and empathize with their feelings, fears, and concerns.
  • Ask for permission before giving physical touch. Your loved one has lost power and control over their own body. Letting your loved one tell you how they would like to be comforted puts them in control. You might be more valuable by providing kind words than physical affection.
  • Respect your loved one’s choices. It is up to your loved one to decide the next steps following a sexual assault. They must determine if they want to talk to law enforcement or seek medical attention. Whether or not you agree with the decisions your loved one has made, it is essential to respect their choices unconditionally.

Things you should avoid

Everyone copes with crises and trauma differently. There is no right way to react when hearing that someone you love has been a victim of sexual assault. Your loved one may have feelings of guilt or self-blame.

It takes great courage for someone to disclose they have been a victim of sexual assault. You must reassure your loved one that they are not at fault and that you support and believe them. You may have many questions about the incident, but you should let your loved one disclose the information if and when they feel ready.

You may be angry and have thoughts and opinions about the situation; however, you should put your feelings aside and focus on supporting your loved one.

How to support your loved one moving forward

Following a sexual assault, it is common to feel numb or anxious. Your loved one may experience difficulty sleeping or eating or experience flashbacks and panic attacks. Encouraging soothing and relaxing self-care exercises like breath work or meditation may be helpful.

Your loved one may benefit from seeing a therapist or counselor to help them cope and begin to heal from their trauma. Be aware of warning signs that your loved one may be having thoughts of self-harm. You can refer your loved one to mental health crisis resources as needed.

Hearing about someone else’s traumatic events can affect your mental health. You may have difficulty processing what happened to your loved one. Be kind to yourself and seek mental health resources for yourself if needed.

In this digital age, venting or sharing information online may be tempting. Remember to respect your loved one’s confidentiality. They may be ready to disclose to you, but you must respect their privacy.

There are many resources for survivors of sexual assault. If your loved one is interested, referring them to an advocacy or support group may be helpful.

When a loved one has been a victim of sexual assault, there are many things you can do to help them. Recovering after a sexual assault is a long-term process; your loved one needs empathy and unconditional support. The most important thing is to follow their cues and let your loved one tell you how you can help them through the process.

Complete Article HERE!

How To Reclaim Your Sexuality After Sexual Assault

— According to Trauma-Informed Sex Educators Who Are Also Survivors

By

If you think of the body like a circuit system, “sexual trauma has a way of rewiring things,” says trauma-informed sex educator Jimanekia Eborn, founder of Tending the Garden, a support organization for marginalized sexual-assault survivors that offers a quarterly subscription care package. In the aftermath of endured sexual trauma, things that once sparked pleasure or arousal, like a certain kind of touch or even the words of a loved one, might instead trigger pain, setting off a negative chain reaction circuit-wide, says Eborn. Rebuilding that circuit—not necessarily into what it was, but into a version that lights up just as brightly—can help survivors reclaim their sexuality after assault.

The circuit metaphor is particularly apt for describing the effects of sexual assault because of the ways in which the trauma can infiltrate your whole system. “It isn’t just something that happened to our bodies; it isn’t just something that happened to our brains,” says Eborn. “It is all-encompassing.”

“It’s not that you’re broken, but you have to navigate yourself in a new way.” —Jimanekia Eborn, trauma-informed sex educator

That reality can make it easy to feel like you’re broken. But the switchboard isn’t dead; it’s more accurate to say it needs some reconfiguring. “Sometimes, I have days where my body feels very disconnected from me, or I feel like I’m existing at an angle,” says Eborn, of healing from her own sexual trauma. “It’s not that you’re broken, but you have to navigate yourself in a new way.”

What that path looks like will be different for every survivor, says somatic coach and restorative-justice advocate Marlee Liss. “There’s no one-size-fits-all roadmap to reclaiming your sexuality and pleasure after assault, and it isn’t a linear process either,” she says, “but I think realizing that is a really big part of the healing.”

How sexual trauma can disconnect you from the experience of pleasure and your own sexuality

Though the body can respond to trauma in a number of ways, any response is “an attempt at protecting you and helping you to feel safe,” says Liss. (And it’s helpful to see it through that lens in order to find some self-compassion if your body’s response isn’t what you’d like it to be.)

In terms of a person’s relationship to sexuality, two opposite responses are the most common, says Liss: hyposexuality and hypersexuality. The former is an aversion or fear of sex that typically looks like shutting down desires, rejecting sexual feelings, or numbing out in sexual circumstances “often so that you can feel a greater sense of control over your body and your decisions,” says Liss. It’s the body’s way of compensating for a loss of that control in the past.

The latter, however, is a compulsion toward sex, when “someone hyper-sexualizes themselves more than their typical amount, perhaps because they’ve internalized sexual objectification that’s been imposed upon them or because they’re trying to deny or minimize the reality of the trauma they’ve experienced,” says Liss.

This hypersexualization response may make it seem, on the surface, as if the person has fully learned how to reclaim their sexuality after assault when, in reality, they’re sexualizing themselves purely as a result of trauma, and not because they’re in tune with their body or seeking pleasure.

It’s also possible for sexuality to ebb and flow post-trauma. “Perhaps, one day, all the switches on your circuit are off, and you just want to stay in bed all day, and the next, they’re all on, and you’re craving a sexual experience,” says Eborn. “I think there’s so much shame and blame placed on both sides [of that spectrum] that people struggle figuring out where they fall. But in a healing journey, there’s room for all of it.”

The key to reconnecting with an honest expression of your sexuality after trauma is to be able to observe the way your body responds to different sensory inputs and then listen to its cues.

The key to reconnecting with an honest expression of your sexuality after trauma is to be able to observe the way your body responds to different sensory inputs and then listen to its cues. “Our bodies are constantly telling us in many different ways whether we’re feeling safe, whether we’re feeling unsafe,” says Liss. But when you go into a hyposexual or hypersexual state, or enter another kind of trauma response, it’s easy to miss those cues, she says.

Learning how to turn back toward your own body’s senses and sensations, notice them, and value your right to feel however you feel is the core process of sexual reclamation.

5 strategies that can help you learn how to reclaim your sexuality after assault

1. Release yourself from shame and blame

While it may seem obvious that the survivor of sexual assault is never to blame, the reality is that trauma can get twisted in retrospect.

“There’s a lot of shame that can come with experiencing sexual assault,” says Eborn. And when you consider that the brain is our biggest sex organ, it’s no wonder that holding onto all that shame can distance you from sexual pleasure. “If you’re constantly thinking, ‘This is my fault,’ or ‘I could’ve prevented this,’ it’ll be very difficult to reclaim your sexuality,” says Eborn.

Her advice? Remember that shame is a feeling put upon you by other people, other things, or other circumstances. “Instead of owning that shame as yours, think about it like, ‘This feeling is not mine, and it’s not of my creation,’” says Eborn. Yes, you have to deal with it now, she qualifies, but the important thing to remember is, you didn’t ask for or deserve this.

2. Take yourself on pleasure-focused “self dates”

It’s essential to carve out solo time on your calendar that’s designated just for your pleasure while you’re on the journey of learning how to reclaim your sexuality after assault. Eborn and Liss both call these pockets of time “self dates.” They can be any length of time—whether three minutes or 60, depending on what you can swing—and the only rule is that you use the time to feel good.

Notably, that means you’re not going into these self dates with a particular goal to accomplish or sexual act to achieve. “I think that there can be this kind of capitalist, productive approach to healing from sexual trauma that’s like, ‘I need to be okay again, and I need to be like I was with sexuality, and I need to get there by tomorrow,’” says Liss. “But that kind of pressure can lead us to cross our boundaries and just put ourselves in re-traumatizing places.”

Instead, the point of the self-dates is to focus purely on pleasure—and not necessarily orgasm or masturbation or even anything sexual at all. While you certainly can use the time for a solo sex session, you might also use it to take a hot bath, dance with reckless abandon, or savor a piece of pizza.

“Ask yourself, ‘What would bring me pleasure right now?’ or, ‘What would allow me to connect with 1 percent more pleasure right now?'” —Marlee Liss, somatic coach and sex educator

To figure out which route to go, Liss says to ask yourself the deceivingly simple (yet often overlooked) question, “What would bring me pleasure right now?” Or, if that feels too inaccessible, even just, “What would allow me to connect with 1 percent more pleasure, or peace, or comfort right now?”

This practice can help increase your awareness of your own body and senses, allowing you to practice self-consent, says Liss: You’re asking yourself what would feel good, and then you’re acting upon that, which is a beautiful reclamation of power over your physical being.

Indeed, allowing yourself to answer the question honestly is a reminder of an essential truth: “You know yourself better than anyone else does, no matter what anyone tells you or tries to talk you out of or talk you into,” says Eborn.

3. Reimagine the physical or mental context you’ve created around sex

Simple changes to your environment or approach to sexual pleasure can make a world of difference in how you perceive it in the wake of trauma.

On the physical side of things, consider how you might rid your space from as many triggers as possible, says Liss. Toss any objects that take you to an uncomfortable space, remove triggering songs from playlists, adjust anxiety-provoking lighting, and the like. And at the same time, consider how you might add glimmers—aka the opposite of triggers—into your physical space. Perhaps these safety cues include a particularly calming sound or smell, or a comforting blanket.

When it comes to the mental context you’ve constructed around sex, Eborn also suggests dropping preconceived notions and starting fresh by taking the Erotic Blueprint quiz, which sexologist Jaiya Ma created. The five categories it includes—energetic, sensual, sexual, kinky, and shapeshifter—each encompasses unique sexual turn-ons (for example, soft and wispy touch for the sensual people and something that feels personally taboo for the kinky people).

“By taking the quiz, you can see what might feel connected to get you back in your body,” says Eborn. That answer certainly may have changed as a result of experiencing trauma—and that’s not a bad thing so much as something important to notice. “It’s okay if you no longer want or feel comfortable doing that one thing that was once a turn-on,” says Eborn. “There’s so much body, there are so many ways to touch it, and sex is about far more than penetration.”

4. Redefine your sexual boundaries

Part of learning how to reclaim your sexuality after assault is identifying and honoring your own sexual limits. One way to do this is by creating a Yes/No/Maybe list, says Eborn. Just like it sounds, this involves categorizing any number of different sex acts, fantasies, toys, and positions as “Yes,” “No,” or “Maybe,” based on your interest (or lack thereof) in trying them.

This way, you have a reference—“a cheat sheet of sorts,” says Eborn—for what you enjoy, what you don’t, and what you’re open to exploring, which you can also share with a current or future sexual partner, if relevant. Though it might seem like TMI to share it, it’s important to remember that “most people actually want to know how to have sex with you, rather than guessing,” says Eborn.

You can also explore where your sexual boundaries fall during one of your pleasure-focused self dates, above. If you’re tuned into what feels pleasurable, you’ll also be able to better identify what doesn’t (or when something stops feeling good). “A key piece that’s easy to miss is that sometimes, the most liberating breakthrough is you being like, ‘That’s enough for today,’ and knowing where to draw a boundary,” says Liss. “That, in and of itself, can be an experience of pleasure.”

5. Know that sexual reclamation post-trauma isn’t all or nothing

In the headspace—and body-space—of healing from sexual trauma, accessing pleasure of any sort can sometimes feel like a stretch. Which is why, Liss says it’s important to remember that two things can be true: You can feel grief or sadness or pain or anger (or all of the above) about the experience of sexual assault, and you can also reclaim pleasure. “Different feelings can coexist,” says Liss, “and the journey to healing is really about allowing that coexistence to happen without denial.”

Complete Article HERE!

Abused gay men don’t see they are victims – study

— Gay and bisexual men being abused by romantic partners is the subject of a research brief being presented to the Scottish government

Gay and bisexual men being abused by romantic partners is the subject of a research brief being presented to the Scottish government

By Mary McCool

Gay and bisexual men are being abused by romantic partners but face multiple barriers to support, according to recent studies.

Research from Glasgow Caledonian University found that one in four men experienced violence in same-sex relationships.

It heard from victims who shared sometimes harrowing accounts of abuse including physical violence, rape and psychological abuse from both casual and longer-term partners.

Academics have called for more awareness around the subject and improvements to support services to help prevent “generations” of men facing the same problems.

Warning: This story contains details some readers may find upsetting

Dr Edgar Rodriguez-Dorans is a counsellor and lectures in counselling and psychotherapy at the University of Edinburgh.

Originally from Mexico, he has lived in Scotland since 2013 and has dealt with a number of gay and bisexual clients who have suffered a wide range of traumatic experiences in relationships.

Dr Edgar Rodrigez-Dorans of the University of Edinburgh
A common factor among those who have experienced sexual abuse, he said, is the issue of consent being understood by either victim or abuser.

One client told Dr Rodriguez-Dorans he repeatedly allowed his boyfriend to have sex with him when he did not want to because he felt “he needed to be available” to him.

Another man, he said, told of an experience at a “chemsex” party – where people use drugs such as methamphetamine, mephedrone (“meow meow”) or GHB (gammahydroxybutrate) to enhance sex.

“The drugs were too strong so he was unable to be fully conscious,” said Dr Rodriguez-Dorans. “He didn’t want to continue in the party.”

After refusing sex from the men present, the man was raped.

Dr Rodriguez-Dorans said because his client was an immigrant, he did not think police would believe him if he reported the incident.

“It’s something he has realised is part of his domestic life,” he said. “Partners have taken it as some sort of kink – like they say no, it’s a bit forceful, it’s fun.”

Part of the problem, according to the counsellor, is that the lives of gay men have been “hyper-sexualised” and they often relate to each other through sexual activity.

He said: “Feeling empowered by sexuality, that is fine, but it can create a dynamic where they are not sure whether they’re having sex when they want to.”

‘He was terrified to leave his home’

Another man told Dr Rodriguez-Dorans he reported his violent ex-boyfriend to police, but was told there was “not enough evidence to suggest he was in danger”.

The abuser initially refused to move out of the man’s flat and sent him threatening messages – which the man showed to officers.

He also repeatedly stood outside the victim’s flat, which Dr Rodriguez-Dorans described as “overt intimidation”.

“We were working on agoraphobia,” he said. “He would not be able to go out at night – he would be terrified and go back to the safety of his home. He was also dealing with panic attacks on a regular basis.

“We are still working on this and it’s been years since the client left the relationship – that’s very important, the relationship might have ended years ago but the effects continue.”

In terms of access to support services, Dr Rodriguez-Dorans said the barriers were complex.

Many are targeted towards women, which he said gives the narrative that women are “more prone to be victims” of abuse.

Meanwhile charities and mental health services for LGBT people are also overstretched.

But perhaps most pervasively, many of Dr Rodriguez-Dorans’ cases are affected by misconceptions on masculinity.

“Men don’t see themselves as objects of abuse,” he said. “People who have been victims of sexual abuse can take up to 20 years to actually seek help.”

On those perpetrating the abuse, he added: “Many might be dealing with internalised homophobia, shame, isolation from their families and emotional illiteracy – which is quite widespread among men regardless of their sexuality.

“Exercising power against their partner might put them in position where they feel like their masculinity is asserted.”

Prof Jamie Frankis and Dr Steven Maxwell
Prof Jamie Frankis (left) and Dr Steven Maxwell (right) will present their findings on abuse in LGBT relationships to the Scottish government

Similar experiences of abuse among gay and bisexual men have been demonstrated in two pieces of research by Glasgow Caledonian University, which will be presented to the Scottish government’s LGBTI+ cross-party group later this month.

The first, published in 2020, was a UK-wide survey which found one in four gay or bisexual men experienced intimate partner violence (IPV).

The second study, published last year, interviewed 10 men aged between 26 to 47 in Scotland on their experiences of domestic abuse.

It highlighted that the “absence of a rape narrative” for men in same-sex relationships made it difficult for some to recognise when they had been sexually assaulted.

It also said men with big muscular bodies worried that “appearing ‘acceptably’ masculine” might make others doubt that they were victims of IPV.

‘Change at a national level’

Lead academics Prof Jamie Frankis and Dr Steven Maxwell have called the problem an “urgent public health issue”.

Dr Maxwell said: “IPV experienced by GBM and wider LGBTQ+ folk is an issue that many are unaware of. Our research found that IPV has a detrimental impact on an individual’s health, both in the short and long term, and can cause mental ill health including anxiety, PTSD, depression and suicidality.

“We hope that this research will help bridge the knowledge gap, increase public awareness and lead to policy change at a national level.”

Dr Rodriguez-Dorans added that more training was needed to help police officers recognise signs of domestic abuse in same-sex relationships.

“If we don’t address these issues, it won’t change,” he said. “We’ll end up with generation after generation going down the same path.”

Det Ch Supt Sam Faulds of Police Scotland said tackling domestic abuse remains a “significant priority”.

She said the force responds to all reports, adding: “Whilst we recognise the disproportionate impact on women and girls, the definition of domestic abuse is not gender specific.

“It is a despicable and debilitating crime which affects all our communities and has no respect for ability, age, ethnicity, gender, race, religion or sexual orientation.”

Complete Article HERE!

I’m a dominatrix who loves to take control in the bedroom.

— BDSM helped me heal my sexual trauma and made me more confident.

Elizabeth Ayoola is a domme.

By Elizabeth Ayoola

  • After years of vanilla sex, I decided to explore BDSM and become a dominatrix.
  • BDSM helped me take back control in the bedroom and reinforce consent.
  • Being a domme helped me heal my sexual trauma and became an act of self-care.

Post-divorce, I wanted to hit the reset button on everything, including my sex life. At 31, I realized I hadn’t yet experienced the type of sex worthy of being included in the pages of my future memoir.

After much introspection, I discovered that sexual shame and misogyny were in the way of my tapping into my sexual prowess. Foresight didn’t tell me that using whips, wax, and ropes and becoming a domme would kick-start my journey to sexual liberation and healing.

My life before BDSM was anything but kinky

When I reflect on my 20s, I have flashbacks to lots of passive sex. I was a missionary princess, and once in a blue moon I’d drive the boat. Many times I wasn’t an active participant. I did just enough to satisfy my partner but wasn’t confident enough to ask for what I needed or to surrender to my sexual urges.

I realized two things contributed to this. One was my internalized misogyny and beliefs about how women should present themselves sexually. The second was my sexual trauma.

Most of my sexual partners were misogynistic men who saw any sign of sexual liberation as promiscuity. As a 20-something, I so desperately wanted to be “wifey” material, so the fear of being judged kept me from coloring outside the lines. Growing up staunchly Christian and in a household that wasn’t sex-positive cemented my beliefs that sex had to be done in conventional ways and that sexual pleasure primarily belonged to men.

Additionally, having been sexually abused and having traumatic sexual experiences made me feel sexual shame and made it difficult to advocate for myself during sex.

Curiosity and a desire for healing led me to explore BDSM

During my quest to rebuild my life and reinvent myself, I became more curious about exploring what was holding me back sexually. That curiosity and perhaps fate made me type “sexual trauma and BDSM” into Google. Lo and behold, a study popped up that identified a nexus between the two. An article in the journal Sexual and Relationship Therapy suggested that people who experienced sexual and childhood abuse could use kink to help them heal and cope. Though I’d once thought BDSM was only for sadists, the study opened me up to the idea.

A few months later, an opportunity arose for me to enter the world of BDSM. It all started when a mystery man with no picture on a dating app messaged me, writing, “You look like a goddess.” My mind traveled back to the study I’d read a few months earlier and to my desire to explore BDSM. This seemed like a divine opportunity to act on my curiosity.

I had a hunch that being a domme could help me be more confident, assertive, and comfortable when asking for what I needed. So I decided that he was right and that I would become a goddess.

Becoming a domme helped me heal my sexual trauma and reclaim my power

The transition from having submissive vanilla sex to becoming a dominant goddess who was in charge in the bedroom was fascinating. Being a domme is about psychologically and/or physically dominating your partner during BDSM activities. Also known as a dominatrix, a domme like to be in charge — that’s when I feel most powerful. It’s also important to note that a domme can dominate both inside and outside the bedroom.

For the first time in my life, I felt powerful. I had the right to say yes to what I wanted and no to what didn’t feel safe and pleasurable.

“In BDSM, it’s an exchange of power play that involves trust between the person who’s considered to be the submissive and the person who’s considered to be the dominant partner,” Shamyra Howard, a sexologist who specializes in BDSM and nontraditional relationships, told Insider. “During this exchange of trust and power play, something powerful happens with a person who has been sexually abused in that they feel in control.”

The consent element — a key component of BDSM — was healing for me, too. My partner’s giving me consent to dominate him and my having him ask for consent to engage with me made me feel safe. I felt safe enough to be present sexually and finally felt like my body belonged to me.

Something about controlling my partner’s orgasms, having my pleasure prioritized, telling my partner what to wear, and being called a goddess was healing and transformative. A few months in, I watched myself go from a performative domme fumbling around with a whip to a natural, confident domme.

Being a domme has made me more confident and assertive in all areas of my life

Participating in BDSM and becoming a domme has been instrumental in teaching me how to say no and be more assertive.

For instance, I had to get better at telling my partner to kiss my feet and telling him how versus asking him. This practice has made it progressively easier for me to be direct and ask for what I need at work and in other relationships in my life.

Setting boundaries is another thing I’ve gotten better at since becoming a domme. I’ve always been afraid to say “no,” “stop,” or “I don’t like that.” But before engaging in any type of BDSM, it’s important to discuss boundaries on both sides and reinforce them during a session when necessary.

Howard says BDSM, where the rules center on boundaries, can help people who struggle with boundaries outside the bedroom see that they’re “necessary to ensure their safety in other areas of life.”

My journey to BDSM has been exciting, awkward, fulfilling, and full of learning curves. I’ve been able to create a safe space for myself sexually within the confines of direct orders, self-orchestrated sex scenes, and hard nos.

For the first time in my life, I can enjoy pleasure on my terms, free of self-judgment and shame. I can confidently say that giving myself permission to explore BDSM and accept my true, dominant self has been one of the highest and most liberating forms of self-love.

Complete Article HERE!

28 Republicans Vote Against Bill to Protect Child Sex Abuse Victims

By

The bipartisan Respect for Child Survivors Act, a law that would aid victims of child sex abuse and their families, just passed the House in a 385-28 vote.

All 28 votes against the bill came from Republicans.

The bill would require the FBI to form multi-disciplinary teams to aid sex abuse victims and their families in order to prevent re-traumatization from investigation and any cases from being dropped. These teams would include “investigative personnel, mental health professionals, medical personnel, family advocacy workers, child advocacy workers, and prosecutors,” Newsweek reported.

U.S. Senators John Cornyn (R-TX), Chris Coons (D-DE), Lindsey Graham (R-SC), and Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) introduced the legislation.

“I applaud Senator Cornyn’s leadership on this issue to correct an egregious wrong committed by certain FBI agents regarding their treatment of victims of sexual abuse,” said Sen. Graham. “Requiring the FBI to use appropriate, tried and true methods to interview child victims will help ensure the FBI’s failure in the Nassar case doesn’t happen again. This legislation will make it clear that we expect better.”

However, not all Republicans expect better from the FBI, it seems.

The bill was opposed by the following GOP Representatives: Andy Biggs and Paul Gosar (Ariz.); Dan Bishop and Virginia Foxx (NC); Lauren Boebert (Colo.), Mo Brooks and Barry Moore (Ala.); Louie Gohmert, Ronny Jackson, Troy Nehls, Chip Roy, and Michael Cloud (Texas); Andrew Clyde, Jody Hice, Austin Scott, and Marjorie Taylor Greene (Ga.); James Comer and Thomas Massie (Ky.); Rick Crawford (Ark.); Byron Donalds and John Rutherford (Fla.); Bob Good (Va.), Clay Higgins (La.), Tom McClintock (Calif.), Ralph Norman (SC), Scott Perry (Pa.), Matt Rosendale (Mont.), and Jeff Van Drew (NJ).

Despite this, the bill is supported by the Rape Abuse & Incest National Network, the National District Attorneys Association, Army of Survivors, the National Children’s Alliance, Keep Kids Safe, Together for Girls, Darkness to Light, the Monique Burr Foundation for Children, the Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests (SNAP), and the Brave Movement.

It is also expected to pass the Senate.

Complete Article HERE!