The science of sex

— What happens to our bodies when we’re aroused?

Sex helps with sleep and allows the brain to switch off

It’s good for our mental and physical health, lowering blood pressure and boosting the immune system

By

Sex is the most talked-about, joked about, thought-about topic in our culture. Every grown adult is expected to know how to do it, but beyond the basic mechanics we’re not taught about it and fiction is coy. We are not short of information on sexual practices – thank you, Fifty Shades of Grey – but there is a general absence of accurate detail of what happens to our bodies during, and as a result of, the act.

Yet sex is good for our mental and physical health. It lowers the heart rate and blood pressure. It may boost the immune system to protect us against infections and it certainly lowers stress. The NHS even recommends it, in a section tucked away on its website, where few are likely to find it, that advises: “Weekly sex might help fend off illness.”

The consultant obstetrician and gynaecologist Dr Leila Frodsham thinks we should be better educated about it. She’s even supporting a project to open a Vagina Museum in Camden, London – after all, there is a Penis Museum in Iceland. More information could make us healthier, happier and save the NHS lot of money, she believes.

“People who have difficulties with sex are much more likely to present with other problems,” says Frodsham. She would like to see more investment in sexual health as preventive medicine.
When hooking up is working out

Sex can be good exercise, although that rather depends on how energetically you go at it. A study in the open-access journal Plos One in 2013 found that healthy young heterosexual couples (wearing the equivalent of a Fitbit) burned about 85 calories during a moderately vigorous session, or 3.6 calories a minute. It’s unlikely to be enough. The NHS says: “Unless you’re having 150 minutes of orgasms a week, try cycling, brisk walking or dancing.”

Tales of men having heart attacks and expiring on the job are much exaggerated. Sex raises the heart rate, which is generally a good thing. A study in the British Medical Journal of 918 men in Wales in 1997 found that sex helped protect men’s health. Men who (admittedly from their own report) had more frequent orgasms had half the risk of dying over the 10 years of the study compared with those who had the least orgasms. As a general rule, if you are able to walk up two flights of stairs without chest pain, you are probably safe to have sex, experts say.

The key to many of the health benefits of sex is the love hormone – oxytocin. Also sometimes called the cuddle hormone, it can even be released when petting your dog. The same hormone causes contractions in childbirth and is in the pessaries given to induce labour. It’s even in sperm. It’s not a myth that sex can help an overdue baby get going. When she was working as an obstetrician, Frodsham says, male partners used to “leave grinning from ear to ear because I’d suggest having sex on all fours to make labour come on”. There’s plenty of oxytocin around when people have sex or even just get friendly. “Any touch releases oxytocin,” says Frodsham. Keeping up physical activity affects libido, she says. “If you don’t use it, you lose it.”

She doesn’t often see people with intrinsically low libido, she says. “But we do see people who kind of get into a sexual rut and it sort of disappears. I often encourage people to schedule sex. A lot of couples feel that it is not natural and it is forcing things, but sometimes you need to get them to become habitual so they can become spontaneous.”

Sex helps with sleep, and allows the brain to switch off. “If you are having sex, you should be getting into a zone where your brain is not in overdrive,” she says. It’s like mindfulness. “I don’t think there are many people who actually give themselves time to relax any more,” she says.

Prof Kaye Wellings, at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine, blames our busy lives for a decline in sexual activity in Britain. Her large recent study of 34,000 men and women, in the British Medical Journal, suggests we are having less sex than we were a decade or more ago. Half of the women and two-thirds of the men told researchers they would prefer to have sex more often. Wellings says the digital age is partly to blame. “We are bombarded with stimuli. I can see that the boundary between the public world and private life is getting weaker. You get home and continue working or continue shopping – everything except for good old-fashioned talking. You don’t feel close when you are on the phone.”

The sexual response, step by step

The best explanation of what actually happens during sex is still credited to two scientists who started work in 1957 – William Masters and Virginia Johnson – although later researchers have criticised parts of their work.

Masters and Johnson worked at Washington University in St Louis, Missouri. Masters convinced Johnson to have sex with him in the interests of research while he was married to someone else. He eventually divorced and they married in 1971, splitting up 20 years later. Together they founded the Masters and Johnson Institute where they carried out their research and trained therapists.

In a book called Human Sexual Response, published in 1966, they described a four-stage cycle in heterosexual sex. First is the excitement or arousal phase in response to kissing, petting or watching erotic movies. A small study by Roy Levin in 2006 found that almost 82% of women said that they were aroused by their nipples being fondled – and so did 52% of men.

Half to three-quarters of women get a sex flush, which can show as pink patches developing on the breasts and spreading around the body. About a quarter of men get it too, starting on the abdomen and spreading to the neck, face and back. Men quickly get an erection but may lose it and regain it during this phase.

Women’s sex organs swell. The clitoris, labia minora and the vagina all enlarge. The muscles around the opening of the vagina grow tighter, the uterus expands and lubricating fluid is produced. The breasts also swell and the nipples get hard.

Masters and Johnson say there is then a plateau phase, which in women is mostly more of the same. In men, muscles that control urine contract to prevent any mixing with semen and those at the base of the penis begin contracting. They may start to secrete some pre-seminal fluid.

The third stage is orgasm, in which the pelvic muscles contract and there is ejaculation. Women also have uterine and vaginal contractions. The sensation is the same whether brought about by clitoral stimulation or penetration.

Frodsham says about a third of women easily have orgasms from penetrative sex, a third sometimes do and a third never do. “I have never seen anything that could be a G-spot,” she says. But the clitoris is much larger than some people assume. “The clitoris actually surrounds the vagina. The protuberance is only 5% of the clitoris.”

Women can quickly orgasm again if stimulated, but men cannot. Last is the resolution phase, when everything returns to normal. Muscles relax and blood pressure drops. But, says Cynthia Graham, a professor in sexual and reproductive health at the University of Southampton, “we still don’t understand everything about what happens even though research has been going on since Masters and Johnson’s early lab studies”.

Take the female orgasm, for instance. “Women report so many different sensations. Some women describe orgasm in a much more focal way. Some describe it in a diffuse way with, for instance, a tingling down their legs. Some women describe losing consciousness.”

And then there is the male erection. A healthy man may have three to five erections in a night, each lasting around half an hour. The one many wake up with is the last of the series. The cause is unknown, but there are suggestions of a link with REM (rapid eye movement) sleep, when people are most likely to dream. Even in the daylight hours, erections are not necessarily under conscious control. Usually they are associated with sexual arousal, but not always.

There is an assumption that sexual desire and libido are strongest in the young and fade out as we age. But there is plenty of evidence of people wanting sex and having sex at older ages. For women, the menopause can be a real obstacle. The loss of oestrogen leads to vaginal and vulval dryness. Frodsham points out that hormonal treatments, from oestrogen tablets in pessaries delivered locally into the vagina to creams and gels, are safe and effective. But so is having regular sex, she says. It’s like exercising a muscle.

“There is very good evidence, particularly in menopausal women, that the more they have sex, the better their physiology is,” she says.

But she cautions against the current enthusiasm for promoting the health benefits of sex for all ages. “There can be a kind of pressure on older adults who don’t want to. A lot of older adults do, but not everybody. There’s no norm about sexual desire.”

However biologically similar we may have been at birth, the one thing that is certain is that sexual desire and preference – as well as means of achieving satisfaction – differ from one individual to the next. Frodsham, for one, thinks enhanced understanding could boost our mental and physical health. And, she believes, it needs to start early.

“Many schools present sex as something that is going to cause STIs and pregnancy,” she says. They’re missing something important, she adds: “They don’t talk about the very natural reason to want to have sex, which is pleasure.”

Complete Article HERE!

Struggling With Sex After 50?

— Expert Tips To Build Intimacy At Any Age

By Juliana Hauser, PhD

We are often taught there is a “right” and “wrong” way to experience and explore sexuality. That’s a total myth.

As a sex and relationship counselor, I’ve seen firsthand the value of expanding our view of sexuality to include topics such as body compassion, clear communication, and sexual well-being. Doing so shows us the wide range of possibilities to explore for a vibrant life, sexually and beyond.

Here are a few tips for enhancing sexual connections using the principles of “holistic sexuality,” no matter your age:

1 Experiment with self-pleasure of all kinds

Too often, we’re told that “successful” sex results in orgasm, placing orgasms as the reason for sex outside of procreation. We put so much pressure on achieving or giving an orgasm that we lose sight of the true pursuit—pleasure!

Orgasms are wonderful, but there are so many deliciously pleasurable ways to sexually connect with yourself and others.

To think beyond intercourse, consider what in your daily life brings you pleasure: the first sip of coffee, your favorite song. Bring your senses into focus and dive into the sensuality of each moment. This practice can quickly enliven your sexual pleasure as you begin to connect with what lights you up throughout the day.

2 Build your sexual tool kit

A survey conducted by Harris Poll in October 2023 found that more than half of women 50+ (52%) have a sexual toolbox to support their sexual experiences. Once you have a self-pleasure practice in tune with what you like and want, sex toys and products can enhance your sexual well-being.

For example, you can expand your potential for pleasure by using a vaginal moisturizer if you’re experiencing any pain or discomfort during sex. Two of my favorite products from Kindra (a menopause and intimacy company that I partner with) are the Daily Vaginal Lotion and V Relief Serum—both are gentle enough for everyday use and incredibly supportive of pleasure.

Preferences change over time, and it may also be time to incorporate some new tools into your routine. Remember to give yourself permission to try things that may end up being a no for you, and keep an open mind to an expanded view of pleasure.

3 Prioritize connection

Now that you’ve laid the groundwork for a deeper understanding of yourself and your pleasure, bring your knowledge to your partnership!

There are many reasons why sexual connection becomes deprioritized once we hit midlife, and they vary from couple to couple. As we grow with our relationships, it’s vital to nourish connection and intimacy. And you don’t necessarily need sexual intimacy or physical connection to do so at first.

A great way to kick-start connection with a partner (or solo) is by completing the Four Quadrant Exercise. Here’s how it’s done:

  • Come to this exercise with vulnerability, patience, curiosity, and an open mind.
  • Divide a paper into four quadrants, one for each prompt: what you have done that you like sexually, what you haven’t done that you want to try sexually, what you have done that you don’t want to do again sexually, and what you haven’t done that you don’t want to try sexually.
  • Write down everything you can think of (feel free to browse for new ideas, too!).
  • If you are doing this exercise with your partner, after you’ve both explored, see what your commonalities and differences are, and use them as a springboard for connection.

4 Seek out support as needed

Even when we incorporate new practices into our daily routines and try new products, sometimes we still need some outside support. Working with a sex counselor or therapist can help you work on your personal goals across all areas of life—relationally, sexually, and beyond.

If you have discomfort during sex, you might explore seeing a pelvic floor physical therapist, an OB/GYN, or another health professional to better understand what is going on for you. It’s incredibly important that you know the best practices for taking care of your sexual well-being, and it’s never too late. You deserve pain-free sexuality at all stages of life.

The takeaway

You have a right to the kind of sexual life you want to have. Improving your sexual life means learning what you want and need, what tools and resources are supportive, and connecting daily to what brings pleasure, joy, and connection—to yourself first and foremost and then to your partner and others around you.

Complete Article HERE!

What Happens During an Orgasm?

— Here’s what science says about what your body goes through during the big moment.

By Izzie Price

Orgasms form a fundamental part of the human experience. They’re a natural biological process and are likely to take up a fair amount of time in our heads—whether we love them or fret about them.

How often have you worried that the sex was terrible because you or your partner didn’t orgasm? If you’re a woman, how many times have you worried that it “didn’t count” as an orgasm because you didn’t ejaculate?

More importantly, though, do you even know what’s going on in your body when you orgasm? Do you know about the many health benefits orgasms offer? Do you even know what an orgasm is?

What follows is a look into the science behind an orgasm, including the physicality of what’s happening. In addition, experts debunk some common orgasm myths.

What happens to your body during an orgasm?

“Orgasm, or sexual climax, is the peak of sexual excitement,” said Alyssa Dweck, M.D., a gynecologist in Westchester County, New York, and a sexual health and reproductive expert for Intimina, a brand of products focused on women’s intimate health. “Orgasm results in rhythmic muscular contractions in the pelvis—that is the uterus, vagina and anus. There are also elevated pulse and blood pressure, and rapid breathing.”

Dweck emphasized the psychological implications of orgasm related to the brain, including its release of the following:

  • Dopamine, which is the pleasure hormone
  • Oxytocin, which is the cuddling and bonding hormone
  • Serotonin, which is involved with mood, cognition, reward and memory
  • Endorphins, which influence pain perception, relaxation and mood enhancement

Sounds pretty good, right? What happens in your body that results in this physical and psychological burst of pleasure and excitement?

The process of orgasm can be broken down into four separate phases—arousal, plateau, orgasm and resolution—according to Masters and Johnson’s Human Sexual Response Cycle course.

“The excitement or arousal phase can last minutes or hours,” said Rachel Wright, M.A., L.M.F.T., a New York-based psychotherapist and host of “The Wright Conversations Podcast.” “Muscles get a little tense, your vagina may get wet, your skin may get flushed, your heart rate and breathing accelerating, your nipples may become hard and the breasts are becoming fuller.

“A penis will become erect and the vaginal walls will swell. The testes swell, the scrotum tightens and often the penis will secrete a lubricating liquid.”

It’s safe to say, then, that there’s a lot going on in the body when we get aroused. Things don’t slow down when we reach the plateau phase, either. Wright described it as “the excitement intensifying right up to orgasm in which the vagina swells from blood flow.”

The vaginal walls turn dark purple during this stage, Wright added. Then there’s the main event, which is the shortest phase of all.

“Some indicators of orgasm include involuntary muscle contractions, a rash or ‘sex flush,’ muscles in your feet may spasm, and you might feel a sudden or forceful release of sexual tension,” she said. “Your blood pressure and heart rate are at their highest rate at this point.”

For men, an orgasm triggers similar rhythmic contractions at the base of the penis. They result in the semen being released.

Are orgasms good for you?

The sheer amount of physiology associated with orgasms and the number of feel-good chemicals produced in the brain as a result seem to indicate orgasms are a biological necessity. Are they?

Dweck pointed to one study that indicated orgasms are perceived to improve sleep outcomes. Other health benefits include improved mood and increased life expectancy. This is all good but it has to be said: Orgasms are not essential.

“We don’t need orgasms, but they sure do feel good to have,” said Lyndsey Murray, a licensed professional counselor and certified sex therapist in Hurst, Texas. “I don’t like to put any pressure on having an orgasm because a lot of people feel like they are doing something wrong when orgasm isn’t achieved. When we take the pressure off having one, our bodies can respond naturally and lead to orgasms all on their own without us overthinking it.”

Orgasm myths and misconceptions

The orgasm gap—the high rate of male orgasms as compared to female orgasms—is real. But there are all kinds of myths and misconceptions about why those numbers aren’t closer together. Mostly, this is because of a lack of basic understanding of the female body and, subsequently, how it can reach and experience orgasm.

“The biggest misconception I note in clinical practice is the myth that vaginal penetration/intercourse always leads to orgasm when, in fact, clitoral stimulation is typically needed, and upwards of 70 percent of women won’t achieve orgasm through intercourse alone,” Dweck said.

The misconception that vaginal penetration always results in a female orgasm takes us to another common myth: “If an orgasm isn’t happening, there must be something wrong,” Murray said.

Not so. There could also be a technique issue at play, such as there being no clitoral stimulation.

“There may be sexual dysfunction that requires professional help. But it could also be performance anxiety getting in the way or maybe you just haven’t explored enough yet to figure out your own body,” she said. “I never like to use terms like ‘wrong’ or ‘failure,’ but instead, disappointment. If you’re disappointed with your sexual activity, focus on fun, pleasure and exploration.”

The biggest orgasm myth, according to Wright, focuses on physical evidence of sex taking place: “That there is only one kind [of sex] and there’s always ejaculation,” she said.

There can be 12 different ways for women to orgasm, she explained, which includes clitoral, vaginal, cervical and nipple orgasms. For men, she noted that orgasms can take the form of a wet dream, blended (whole body) or pelvic orgasms, as well as ejaculatory orgasms.

How can we improve societal attitudes toward orgasms?

Orgasms are great, sure, but they’re not the only thing that makes sex feel good. Sex is more holistic than that, and we need to enjoy orgasms without holding them up as the essential end result.

“The societal attitude I see most of is either orgasms mean great sex or no orgasm means the sex sucked,” Murray said. “I disagree with both sentiments. Usually what happens is someone feels like they failed themselves or their partner(s) if an orgasm didn’t happen. The next time they have sex, it becomes an over-focus on orgasm and no longer about fun, pleasure and intimacy.”

We should be talking more about the entire sexual experience and not the shortest part of the whole thing, Wright explained.

“In all the sexual response cycles, the orgasm is the shortest part, and yet we put so much focus on it. Sometimes, all the focus,” she said. “Try to focus on the experience and, instead of attaching everything to an orgasmic outcome, pay attention and focus on the experience. The experience is the pleasure.”

Complete Article HERE!

How Learning Your Desire Style Could Help Spice Up Your Sex Life

By Shaeden Berry

When you hear the word “desire” do you think of burning hot passions?

A low urgent feeling in your belly?

Do you think of Hollywood movies and two lovers tearing each other’s clothes off, tucked behind the locked bathroom door of a party, because they couldn’t keep their hands off one another any longer?

And then, do you think, “can’t relate”? Not because you aren’t attracted to your partner, but because that urgent, spontaneous desire very rarely grips you. For some, that thought process can lead to feelings of shame or beginning to question whether there’s something wrong with them.

At the end of the day, no two people are the same, but it is easy to get bogged down in what you feel like you should want or should feel, rather than tapping into what you actually do crave in the bedroom. Learning whether you have a spontaneous or responsive desire style, or where you sit along the spectrum of desire may help you to understand how you approach our bedroom activities and ensure you’re getting what you really want from your sex life.

What Are Spontaneous & Responsive Desire?

We all exist on a desire spectrum, according to Georgia Grace, sexologist and co-founder of NORMAL, a queer- and women-owner wellness brand. She explains that it’s doubtful any of us will be wholly and entirely spontaneous or responsive, adding that it’s important to know these terms so we can understand there’s no one way of experiencing desire.

“Within spontaneous desire, the desire comes out of nowhere,” she tells Refinery29 Australia. “Like how it might be in the early stages of a relationship,” people who tend to experience spontaneous desire often don’t need an external influence to get them in the mood.

With responsive desire, things are different. “Your body needs a stimulus to bring sex to the front of the mind — whether it be porn, your partner kissing your neck, or even beginning the act of sex itself,” says Grace.

She explains that responsive desire is actually the most common way for people to experience desire, but between bodice-ripping romance novels and the way sex is often spoken about in popular culture, it “doesn’t get the airtime it deserves”.

If you exist on the Internet, you’re probably being fed a lot of content that references spontaneous jumping of bones, and not a lot of slow-building desire, foreplay or being introduced to the idea that many people need extra help or motivation to get in the mood for sex.

In fact, the stereotype that often plays out across our screens is a scenario featuring a long-term relationship, where amorous advances are being knocked back by one partner who’s “not in the mood”. When this is so often displayed as the tell-tale sign of a relationship being dead in the water, it’s unsurprising that many of us might feel the pressure to be spontaneously crackling with desire at all times and find ourselves wondering why we can’t just flick a switch and be instantly in the mood.

It’s also worth considering how these different desire styles are often presented as gendered. Whilst there’s not yet a scientific measurement for desire, Emily Nagoski, author of Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, cites research that indicates responsive desire is the primary desire style for about 30% of women. In an article about the concepts of desire, Nagoski also highlights how spontaneous desire is so actively pushed as the “norm” in society, when, in reality, many people will only feel desire after first experiencing pleasure (i.e. responsive desire). That means, you are not broken or wrong for not experiencing spontaneous desire, and your level of desire is not an indication of sexual wellbeing.

How Can You Navigate Differing Desire Styles In A Relationship?

Let’s return to the Hollywood movie scene we mentioned above. What if, after one party says they’re not in the mood, there was an open conversation between both parties about what could be done to help them get into the mood — perhaps not in that moment, but moving forward? What if not being in the mood wasn’t treated as an issue, but rather, something that’s actually extremely normal?

Having “desire discrepancies”, as Grace puts it, is not an uncommon phenomenon within a relationship. Grace often sees couples in sessions who have differing desire styles, i.e. where one person leans more towards spontaneous desire and the other is more responsive.

If this is something you might be experiencing, Grace suggests that rather than framing it as one person having a higher or lower libido than their partner or partners, she works to help them understand that they are just experiencing desire differently.

Perhaps the responsive partner isn’t getting enough stimulus to become aroused enough for sex, and in these cases, Grace works with them to examine what she refers to as their “brakes” and “accelerators”.

Some people can be extremely sensitive to “brakes”, which are those triggers that make us feel as if sex isn’t a good idea right now and have us finding reasons to not be aroused. They can be anything from feeling touch-fatigued, stressed, worried or even wider issues of social and cultural stresses and anxieties. Meanwhile, “accelerators” are the triggers that turn you on and can be a specific scent, setting, or a sexual act.

Grace says the key is working on becoming more aware of your brakes and accelerators and managing them, trying as best you can to remove brakes and amplify accelerators.

But the important thing is recognising that there is no right or wrong way to feel desire. We don’t need to be always raring to go. But if we are always in the mood? That’s fine too.&

The first step is figuring out how you personally experience desire, and then doing what works for you and your relationship.

Complete Article HERE!

List of Sex Hormones in Females and Males

By Serenity Mirabito RN, OCN 

Sex hormones are chemicals responsible for reproduction and sexual desire. Common female sex hormones include estrogen and progesterone, while testosterone is abundant in most males.

Sex hormones are produced by the ovaries, testes, endocrine system, and adrenal glands. Menstruation, age, and certain medical conditions can cause fluctuations in sex hormones. Females and males can balance sex hormones through hormone deprivation or replacement therapy.

This article will review sex hormone production, function, and ways to achieve hormonal balance.

Sex vs. Gender

This article uses the terms “male” and “female” as labels referring to a person’s chromosomal, anatomical, or biological makeup without regard to which gender or genders they identify with.

Where Are Sex Hormones Produced?

Females and males have different sex hormones. However, they do share some of the same ones but each with different functions.

Females

The main hormones that contribute to sexual health and desire in females are estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone. Although the ovaries are responsible for most female sex hormones, other tissues can also produce them. These include:1

  • Estrogen (estradiol, estrone, estriol): Although made primarily by the ovaries, estrogen is also produced by the adrenal glands and adipose (fat) tissue.
  • Progesterone: Besides the ovaries, progesterone is produced by the adrenal cortex, corpus luteum, and placenta.
  • Testosterone: Although more abundant in males, testosterone is also essential in females. Testosterone is made in small amounts by the ovaries and adrenal glands.

Males

Androgens are the main sex hormones produced by males. Androgens are responsible for male characteristics and reproduction. Several types of androgens are made in the male body, which include:1

  • Testosterone: Produced in the Leydig cells of the testes and small amounts in the adrenal gland.
  • Dihydrotestosterone (DHT): In adults, about 10% of testosterone is metabolized into DHT by the enzyme 5-alpha reductase. A rise in DHT levels initiates puberty in younger males.
  • Estrogen: This hormone plays a vital role in males. In addition to being produced by the testes, the enzyme aromatase converts testosterone into estrogen.2

Function of Each Sex Hormone

Sex hormones are not only responsible for sexuality and fertility but also are crucial for the growth and development of muscles and organs.1 Additionally, sex hormones help prevent medical conditions such as cardiovascular disease and bone deterioration.

Growth and Development

Estrogen is responsible for the sexual and reproductive development of females. Breast development, pubic and armpit hair, and the start of menstruation are all influenced by estrogen.1

Progesterone contributes to a healthy uterine lining for the implantation and growth of a fertilized egg.3 Progesterone is also essential for maintaining pregnancy and reducing bleeding and miscarriage.

Testosterone and DHT initiate puberty in young males.1 These hormones are responsible for penile and testicular growth, growth in height, and facial hair growth.

Arousal

Estrogen and testosterone are the main hormones affecting arousal and sexual desire. In females, the menstrual cycle causes fluctuations in sex hormones, resulting in feeling more aroused just before ovulation, when estrogen levels are at their highest.4

High levels of progesterone, however, can cause a decrease in sexual desire. Although testosterone may increase libido in some females, estrogen is the primary sex hormone linked to female sexual desire.4

In males, testosterone levels correlate to male libido. Age, obesity, and hypogonadism decrease testosterone, thereby reducing sexual arousal.

Organ Health

Estrogen and testosterone are important in preserving muscle strength as you age. In the first year of menopause, for example, about 80% of a female’s estrogen is lost, resulting in significant muscle loss and frailty.

Decreased estrogen levels can lead to osteoporosis (decrease in bone mass and density) and increased risk of cardiovascular events. Testosterone improves cachexia (complicated metabolic syndrome characterized by muscle mass loss) in cancer and other inflammatory-based conditions.5

Immune System

One study showcased how sex hormones influence immune system cells. Androgens (testosterone and DHT) and progesterone boost an immunosuppressive response (improving autoimmune disorders), while estrogen strengthens humoral immunity (the body’s ability to fight infection). However, more research is needed.6

Mood and Brain Function

Research continues to prove that sex hormones affect the entire brain. Depression, memory loss, brain plasticity, and mood disorders result from decreasing estrogen levels. Cognitive impairment during menopause has been shown to improve with estrogen treatment and may protect against stroke damage, Alzheimer’s disease and Parkinson’s disease.7

How Sex Hormones Fluctuate

Hormone fluctuation is normal in both sexes. Premenopausal females will experience hormonal changes throughout the menstrual cycle. Estrogen and progesterone levels are low just before the start of menstruation but are higher around ovulation. As females age, sex hormone levels drop, leading to menopause.8

In males, testosterone levels are highest in the morning and decrease throughout the day. Testosterone decreases at 1% to 3% yearly between 35 and 40.5

Sex Hormone Disorders

Sex hormone disorders can affect physical and mental quality of life. In some instances, they can even be deadly. Types of sex hormone disorders include:

  • Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD): Due to falling levels of estrogen and progesterone 10 to 14 days before menstruation, severe depression and anxiety can be experienced by some females. PMDD affects approximately 5% of premenopausal females.9
  • Menopause: Females 45 to 55 will begin to notice the inevitable symptoms of decreasing estrogen and progesterone levels. Brain fog, reduced muscle mass, and hot flashes are common symptoms of menopause.10
  • Erectile dysfunction (ED): As testosterone levels fade with age, having and maintaining an erection can be difficult. ED usually occurs in men over age 50.11
  • Hyperestrogenism (high estrogen levels): Too much estrogen can cause certain types of cancer, polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), and infertility.
  • Hyperandrogenism (high androgen levels): Too much testosterone can cause PCOS, hirsutism, acne, male-pattern baldness, menstrual irregularities, infertility, and virilization.

Can You Balance Sex Hormones?

Understanding the cause of sex hormone imbalances is essential to creating a treatment plan. If the sex hormone imbalance is due to a medical condition, then treating that condition should be considered. If the hormonal imbalance is due to aging or there is no treatment for the cause, then the following options could help improve sex hormone imbalances.

  • Lifestyle: Eating a well-balanced diet, exercising, maintaining a healthy weight, eliminating alcohol use, and getting enough sleep can impact hormone levels in a positive way.12
  • Herbs and supplements: Some herbs and supplements claim to restore hormonal balance. Nigella sativa could increase estrogen levels, improving the symptoms of menopause.13
  • Hormone therapy (HT): Replacing estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone with synthetic (human-made) forms can help increase low levels of sex hormones. HT can be given as oral medication, patches, creams, vaginal suppositories, subdermal pellets, or injections. Birth control is a form of hormone therapy. HRT is also a vital part of gender-affirming care.14
  • Hormone deprivation therapy: Some medications block hormones, reducing the effects of having too much of a particular hormone. Aromatase inhibitors, for example, prevent estrogen production, and gonadotropin-releasing hormone analogs and antagonists are used to block estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone. Gonadotropin-releasing hormone analogs are used to pause puberty in youths undergoing gender-affirming care.14

If you’re experiencing symptoms of sex hormone imbalances, talk to a healthcare provider about having a sex hormone blood test done to help identify potential imbalances.

Summary

Estrogen, progesterone, testosterone, and dihydrotestosterone (DHT) are sex hormones in males and females. Sex hormones are important in reproduction, fertility, sexual desire, and overall health. Sex hormones fluctuate with the menstrual cycle and with age.

There are several ways you can balance sex hormones, including lifestyle changes and medications. Talk to a healthcare provider if you believe you’re experiencing symptoms of a sex hormone imbalance.

Complete Article HERE!

Here’s How Anxiety Affects Your Ability To Orgasm

By Claire Fox, GiGi Engle

If you’re someone who deals with stress and anxiety, the unwanted mental and physical effects can creep up during the most inopportune times. Perhaps you’re just hanging out, catching up on the latest episode of your favourite TV show and suddenly you begin to worry about everything in your life. Maybe you’re worrying about nothing in particular, but feel panicky nonetheless. Symptoms of anxiety include ruminating in your own thoughts, focusing on past regrets, a racing heart, sweaty palms, and a general feeling of impending doom. It’s a sneaky not-so-little feeling that can happen at any moment. And one of the worst moments it can strike is when you’re having sex and trying to orgasm.

“Anxiety and stress can have a huge impact on someone’s physical and mental health all around the body and, unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for sex, arousal and pleasure to be affected, too,” AASECT-certified sex therapist Melissa Cook tells Refinery29. During sex you’ll want to be present and enjoy the moment, but if you’re feeling anxiety during the act — whether it’s related or unrelated to sex — that can be a problem for your pleasure and your partner’s. This inability to be in the moment can affect your ability to climax.

Of course, orgasming isn’t the only goal of sex, but for many, it’s an important part of the sexual experience. And if you’re feeling anxious during foreplay, intercourse, oral play, or other sexual activities, reaching climax becomes harder, making it feel almost unreachable. Here’s exactly how feelings of anxiousness and stress can mess with your orgasms, and what you can do about it.

Anxiety Kills The Mood In Your Brain

For many people, focus is a critical element in experiencing an orgasm. And this is especially the case for those with vulvas. Many of us are conditioned to cater to our partner’s pleasure (especially if that partner is a cis man), putting it above our own, as society has long given precedent to the male orgasm. For those who aren’t men, orgasm can often feel secondary: great if it occurs, but certainly not necessary for a complete sexual experience.

Focusing on our bodies, without shame, can prove very difficult given this context. Though it varies from person to person, it takes the average woman about twenty minutes to become aroused enough to have intercourse. Allowing yourself the time to relax and get to that place can be an anxious person’s personal hell.

When you’re anxious, you typically can’t focus or be “in the mood” to orgasm. According to Avril Louise Clarke, a clinical sexologist and intimacy coordinator at ERIKALUST, anxiety has the ability to disrupt sexual energy and pull you entirely out of a positive headspace. “These negative emotions can interfere with the body’s ability to relax and fully engage in sexual activities,” she says. “The ‘fight or flight’ response triggered by stress can lead to heightened tension, making it difficult to reach orgasm.” In other words, when your mind is elsewhere, it creates a barrier to sexual pleasure.

“What’s more, when someone is anxious, they may be more likely to be self-critical of themselves, including about their body or sexual performance,” Cook adds. “This can affect someone’s self-worth and their overall sexual body image which can prevent someone from reaching orgasm or fully enjoying the experience.”

And it’s not just orgasms that are impacted by anxiety and stress. “In fact, sex as a whole can be affected by these feelings,” Cook explains. “To begin with, any type of stress, but especially chronic stress, can decrease someone’s desire to have sex. An anxious or stressed mind can result in someone not being fully present in the moment, meaning they lack libido or struggle to focus during sex.”

Anxiety Messes With Arousal

Stress and anxiety have long been linked to physical sexual concerns, as well. “This is because anxiety and stress can alter the body’s blood vessels and constrict them which makes it harder for someone to experience arousal and pleasure as during an orgasm the blood vessels rush to the genitalia.”

When you are aroused and when you orgasm, the body is flooded with dopamine, the brain’s motivation hormone, and oxytocin, the “love hormone,” which promotes feelings of tranquillity, closeness, and pair bonding. It’s a cocktail of all things that feel good.

When you’re stressed, your body releases cortisol, the body’s stress hormone. It is basically the arch-nemesis of orgasms. “Studies have found that an increase in the hormone cortisol can reduce overall sensitivity, again making it harder for that person to feel aroused and achieve orgasm,” Cook says. Plus, apart from stress’ impact on sex, studies have also linked cortisol to poor sleep, weight gain, and overall feelings of personal distress.

Because of these hormonal changes, stress and anxiety can also lead to vaginal discomfort. “In women, anxiety can result in the vagina muscles contracting frequently which can make penetration very challenging and sometimes painful,” Cook says. This can lead to pain, spotting, or tearing during sex. In short, anxiety impedes your ability to create the hormones needed to become properly sexually aroused.

How To Stop Anxiety From Hindering Your Orgasms

So how exactly can you have more orgasms and try to quiet the anxious thoughts inside your brain? “The most important thing to remember is you’re not alone and there are plenty of steps you can take that will help you to hopefully feel more relaxed in the bedroom and get closer to achieving orgasm,” Cook says.

Forget About Orgasms

For one, when you put pressure on yourself to orgasm, you become more stressed about not orgasming, which only makes experiencing orgasm that much harder. It’s a treacherous sexual catch-22. So, you might want to consider taking orgasm off the table for a bit and stop making climax the goal of sex. Learning to give weight to sexual pleasure in and of itself, rather than holding orgasm as the pinnacle of sexual fulfilment is a beneficial practice, in general. If you take away the pressure, sometimes things just flow better and make the whole experience enjoyable.

Communicate With Your Partner/s

Communication between sexual partners also goes a long way to help with stress in the bedroom. “I always advise couples to communicate first, in a safe and non-judgmental way,” says Cook. “Perhaps there is something that you feel you need in order to be able to orgasm or maybe you’d like to do things differently. Either way, you should both listen to each other and create an open environment where you can talk about your desires, preferences and boundaries.”

Build A Relaxing Environment

In the bedroom itself, it can also be helpful to build the right, comfortable atmosphere. “Consider lighting, candles and music to help you to relax and get into the moment,” Cook says. “You may also want to try foreplay in various settings including in the bath to help you to switch off.”

Try Breathwork Exercises

Another way to combat anxiety when it comes creeping in during sex is to simply breathe, which we often forget to do during sex. “Techniques to help you stay calm and focused on the sensations can help too, such as breathwork,” says Cook. Consciously pulling your breath into your body, letting it fill you, and releasing it slowly can help calm your mind and body. For more techniques, check out more breathing exercises here.

Avoid Drugs & Alcohol

Though it may sound counterintuitive, you should also avoid things like alcohol and drugs if you’re having trouble orgasming due to stress and anxiety. “While many see them as a relaxant, it’s also common for them to impact sexual ability and function,” Cook says.

Perhaps most importantly, though, try your best not to panic if you’re feeling anxious during sex. Be open about your feelings with your partner. Accept this challenge as a part of your life and commit to alleviating anxiety, when possible. Remember, it’s OK to ask for help.

Don’t Suffer In Silence

Anxiety — whether it’s a disorder you struggle with daily or something that happens sporadically — is a huge pain, but if we take time to recognise it for what it is and develop skills to cope, we can keep it from messing with our orgasms.

Orgasms aside, it’s also important to recognize the kind of anxiety you experience, whether it is sporadic or a more far-reaching mental health issue. If you experience debilitating anxiety on a regular basis, seeking professional help is a great first step. Society stigmatizes mental health almost as much as it does sex. Depending on the person, anxiety may or may not need the help of outside sources. Regardless, taking control of yours is a sign of strength.

Complete Article HERE!

Getting too excited can stop men from orgasming

– But there’s a solution

By &

The way sex is portrayed in pop culture films and music could easily give you the idea that it, at least physically, should happen easily – particularly for men.

Sex may seem like a straightforward activity but it actually involves a high degree of coordination between the brain and body parts. Recent data suggests that erectile dysfunction affects around one in five UK men, with the figure rising to 50% for the 40-70 age group.

With this data in mind, we set out to explore how we could mathematically model the essence of sexual response in men and improve the experience. We found that too much psychological arousal before or during sexual stimulation can make it difficult to climax.

Until recently, little was known scientifically about physiology and psychology of what happens when people are having sex, partly because of the taboo around it. A breakthrough came in the 1960s with the work of US researchers William Masters and Virgina Johnson. They invited over 380 women and over 300 men to a lab and observed them having sex, taking notes of the physiological changes that happened.

Having collected data from over 10,000 sex acts, Masters and Johnson published their results in 1966 in their Human Sexual Response paper. It proposed a paradigm of the human sexual response cycle as a sequence of excitement, plateau, orgasm, resolution. For each of these stages Masters and Johnson described in minute detail physiological changes in genital areas, as well as more general reactions, such as hyperventilation, increased pulse and blood pressure, and involuntary sweating immediately after orgasm.

While sexual responses in women are less understood, the Masters-Johnson sexual response cycle for men has stood the test of time and is still the best representation of the stages men go through when having sex. Data collected by later studies showed that female sexual responses are more diverse and don’t follow the linear progression of excitement-plateau-orgasm-resolution of the Masters-Johnson model.

Practical insights

One of the criticisms of the Masters-Johnson framework was that it did not account for psychological component of sexual response. In our mathematical model, we wanted to capture interactions between physiological and psychological aspects of sexual response in men. Our model focused on how the levels of physiological and psychological arousal (turn-on) change during sexual stimulation.

We combined data about physiological responses from the Masters-Johnson study with insights from five functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) studies of people having sex from 2003 to 2011. fMRI measures the small changes in blood flow that occur with brain activity.

Our model made two assumptions. First, that psychological turn on increases when someone is physically excited, from watching porn or from observing a partner and interacting with them. We also assumed that after sex, psychological excitement eventually subsides.

Getting over excited

The results of our model show that if a man becomes psychologically overly excited, either due to their initial level of psychological turn-on before, or during sex, this can be detrimental to their chances of achieving orgasm. One explanation for this is that when someone is overly excited they are too focused on their sexual performance or achieving an orgasm.

This can cause anxiety, which is itself a state of psychological overstimulation. As a result, people can come to a frustrating state of being agonisingly close to the point of climax yet not being able to reach it. The solution to this is to mentally switch-off and relax to allow your psychological arousal to decrease.

Another finding of our model is that the level of physical arousal decreases with psychological stimulation. Although this may seem counter-intuitive, it fits with the data from fMRI studies from around 15 years ago, in which 21 men were put inside an fMRI scanner and asked to bring themselves to orgasm either through self-stimulation or with the help of their partners.

The results showed that right before orgasm, many areas of the brain become deactivated. These include the amygdala (responsible for processing emotions and threatening stimuli) frontal cortical regions (controls judgement and decision making) and orbitofrontal cortex (integrates sensory input and takes part in decision making for emotional and reward-related behaviour).

So orgasm is associated with letting go – it’s a mental release as much as a physical one.

The same result follows from the Yerkes-Dodson law, which over 100 years ago established that for some tasks optimal physical performance is achieved with intermediate levels of psychological arousal. For example, difficult or intellectually demanding tasks may require a lower level of arousal (to facilitate concentration), whereas tasks demanding stamina or persistence need higher levels of arousal (to increase motivation).

 

Mathematical models have already helped us understand the dynamics of other physiological processes, such as blood circulation, heart disease, cancer, neural firing in the brain. Applying them to such complex phenomenon such as sexual response can provide insights that can help improve sexual performance and develop new approaches to treatment of sexual dysfunction.

What next?

Women have a greater variety of sexual responses that can include single or multiple orgasms.

Recent data suggests that while heterosexual men achieve orgasm about 95% of the time, the equivalent figure for heterosexual women is a measly 65%.

Our next step would be to explore how to develop a mathematical model to represent the dynamics of female sexual response using the latest Basson’s circular model, which will hopefully help close the orgasm gap.

Complete Article HERE!

What Is the Refractory Period?

— The Temporary Loss of Sexual Desire and Function After Orgasm

By James Myhre & Dennis Sifris, MD

In human sexuality, the refractory period is the length of time after an orgasm during which a person is not sexually responsive. The refractory period can vary from one person to the next but is strongly influenced by a person’s age, biological sex, and libido (sex drive).

The refractory period is more often used to describe the phase following an orgasm in which a male is physiologically unable to achieve an erection (“get hard”) and have another orgasm or ejaculation. Depending on the individual, the refractory period can last for minutes to days.1

Because females can often have multiple orgasms, it is generally thought that they either do not have a refractory period or that the refractory period lasts for only a brief moment.2

This is not to suggest that a person’s physiological makeup is the sole determining factor for how long or short the refractory period is. A person’s psychological makeup also contributes to whether they desire sex or feel sexually satiated after orgasm.

This article takes a closer look at the refractory period in males and females and how physiology and psychology factor in. It also explores if there are ways to shorten the refractory period and achieve multiple orgasms.

Gender Definitions

In this article, “male” is used to describe people with penises while “female” is used to describe people with vaginas despite the gender or genders they identify with. The sex and gender terms used in cited material will be retained.

Refractory Period and the Sexual Response

The refractory period is one component of the four phases of the sexual response, classically described as:3

  • Excitement: This is when you get sexually aroused by physical or mental stimuli such as touch, kissing, fantasizing, or viewing erotic images.
  • Plateau: This is the period of increasing sexual excitement during which the penis, vagina, and clitoris will engorge with blood and become highly sensitive.
  • Orgasm: This is the spontaneous release of sexual energy accompanied by rapid contractions of the lower pelvic muscles, including ejaculation (the forceful discharge of semen in males).
  • Resolution: This is when the body gradually returns to its normal level of functioning, and swelled or erect body parts return to their normal sizes.

 

Part of Resolution Phase

The refractory period is part of the resolution phase during which a person needs to recover before they can have another orgasm.

The term “refractory period” does not apply to just sex. The term is used in neuroscience to describe the span of time following the response of a nerve or muscle before it can respond again.4

In this respect, the nonresponsive time following orgasm can be described as the physiological refractory period.

While this may suggest that the refractory period is mainly physiological, it is important to remember that hormones influence your emotions during the sexual response. Even beyond hormones, how you feel and behave can dictate whether arousal and orgasms are possible.

As such, your ability to have another orgasm is dictated not only by whether you “can” physically but also if you “can” emotionally. This might be referred to as the psychological refractory period.

Refractory Period in Males

The refractory period in males is poorly understood but is thought to be influenced directly and indirectly by several different hormones, including oxytocin, prolactin, and dopamine.

Oxytocin

Oxytocin is a hormone that has many functions in the human body, including the stimulation of breast milk and the contraction of uterine muscles during labor. In males, oxytocin helps induce erections and ejaculation.5

With ejaculation, the sudden surge of oxytocin stimulates the release of the “feel-good” hormone serotonin. This is the hormone that promotes feelings of sexual satisfaction, relaxation, and even drowsiness after sex.2 Serotonin in the brain can inhibit erections following ejaculation, but its influence on the refractory period is still under debate.

Prolactin

>Prolactin, a hormone responsible for lactation (breast milk production), may also influence the male refractory period. During an orgasm, prolactin levels can surge in people of any sex. But in males, high prolactin levels can interfere with the ability to achieve an erection until the levels eventually subside.6

Studies vary, with some suggesting that prolactin plays a central role in the refractory period and others concluding that it has no effect.7

Dopamine

Dopamine is another feel-good hormone that helps facilitate ejaculation. But, after ejaculation, the hormone can also temporarily block sensory nerves of the penis, making it less responsive to stimulation. This is especially true after an intense orgasm.8

The duration of this effect can vary from one person to the next and often for no apparent reason. This may account for why some males recover faster following orgasm while others take longer.8

Average Refractory Period in Males

A small study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2019 suggests that the average refractory rate in males without sexual dysfunction is around 106 minutes.9 The period may be short in young males but gradually increases with age.10

Refractory Period in Females

Oxytocin and prolactin are commonly more elevated in females than in males, and their impact on the refractory period is different than what occurs in males.5 These hormones do not interfere with the sensitivity or function of the vagina and clitoris following an orgasm.

Females are more likely to experience multiple orgasms than males.11 This doesn’t necessarily mean that females have no refractory period.10

In some females, orgasms can lead to hypersensitivity of the clitoris and vulva, making it painful to have sex even if sexual desire remains.12 This response may be regarded as a refractory period during which arousal and orgasms are difficult until the hypertensive sensation subsides.

Multiple Orgasms in Males

Multiple orgasms, which are facilitated by a short refractory period, are uncommon in males. Studies suggest that less than 10% of males in their 20s can achieve multiple orgasms, decreasing to less than 7% after age 30.13

A 2020 study in Sexual Medicine Review suggested that certain factors appear to increase a male’s ability to have multiple orgasms, including:13

  • Practicing masturbation without ejaculation (“edging”)
  • Using sex toys to increase sexual stimulation

Doing so may improve the odds of sporadic multiple orgasms (in which orgasms occur over a period of time) or condensed multiple orgasms (in which you have two to four orgasms, one after the next).

How Age Affects the Refractory Period

Younger males tend to recover and reengage in sex sooner following ejaculation than older males. While younger males may need only a few minutes of recovery time, older males may have a refractory period of between 12 to 24 hours. For some, the refractory period can last for days.10

One explanation for this involves the seminal vesicles that produce and store semen. After ejaculation, the pressure within the seminal vesicles quickly dissipates. When this happens, nerve signals are sent to the brain to produce hormones like follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH) that stimulate semen production.14

Until ample hormones are produced and the tension in the seminal vesicles is restored, the refractory period in males can continue. The problem is that, as males age, the time it takes to restore tension in the seminal vesicles gets longer and longer.14

Other Factors That Influence the Refractory Period

The refractory period may be influenced by age and sex, but other physiological and psychological factors can contribute to it, including:

  • Your general health: Having good health or poor health influences your sexual stamina and fitness.15
  • Medical conditions: Diseases like diabetes and rheumatoid arthritis can affect the autonomic nervous system, which regulates involuntary functions like the sexual response.14
  • Sexual dysfunction: Problems like delayed ejaculation or premature ejaculation can undermine a person’s sexual confidence and indirectly influence the refractory period.16
  • The quality and frequency of sex: How much and how often you enjoy sex influences the “sexual pleasure cycle” and your ability to respond to sexual stimuli.3 This, in turn, can influence the refractory rate in males and females.17
  • Number of sexual partners: Studies suggest that males are more likely to have quicker recovery times and multiple orgasms if they have multiple or new sex partners.13
  • Mental health: Females, more than males, may experience a psychiatric disorder called postcoital dysphoria in which they feel fatigued, sad, depressed, or anxious after sex.18 Sexual performance anxiety, common in males, can also indirectly influence the refractory period.19

It can be presumed that the quality of your relationship—how you feel about and respond to your partner—may also have a psychological and physiological impact on your refractory rate. Further research is needed.

Can You Shorten the Refractory Period?

The refractory period is not a sexual dysfunction like erectile dysfunction or female hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD). It is simply the period of time when your desire and ability to have sex temporarily stop after an orgasm.

Even so, people often attribute sexual satisfaction to the intensity of their orgasms, the duration of sex, and, the frequency of orgasm and ejaculation.20

While there are no surefire ways to reduce the refractory time, particularly in males, certain lifestyle changes may increase your sexual fitness and remove the barriers that stand in the way of a “second round” of sex.

According to a 2018 study published in the Journal of Education and Health Promotion, this should include:15

  • Engaging in routine exercise, which can improve cardiovascular fitness, libido, and sexual performance in people of any sex
  • Engaging in sexual fantasy, which intensifies orgasms in males and libido in females

It is also important to manage chronic medical conditions, such as diabetes, that can affect sexual function and performance directly and indirectly.

Summary

The refractory period is the length of time after an orgasm when sexual desire and the ability to have sex temporarily cease. In males, the refractory period can last from minutes to days. In females, the refractory period may be brief or not occur at all.

The refractory period in males is heavily influenced by hormones. Women are not influenced in the same way but may still experience a decline in sexual interest or function after orgasm for other reasons, such as clitoral hyposensitivity or postcoital fatigue.

Certain risk factors may increase or decrease the refractory period, including your general health, mental health, medical conditions, sexual dysfunction, and the quality and frequency of sex. Routine exercise and engaging in sexual fantasy may indirectly influence the refractory rate by improving your sexual fitness, self-image, and sex drive.

Complete Article HERE!

The Vagina Bible

This feminist gynecologist wants you to know your body and fight the patriarchy

By Julia Belluz

With her new book, Jen Gunter aims to fight the myths that plague women.

Before the advent of C-sections, every human passed through one. But not everybody knows where it is.

The vagina.

Surveys have repeatedly shown that there’s a startling level of ignorance about female anatomy. Dr. Jen Gunter, an OB-GYN in the San Francisco Bay Area, is on a quest to change that.

On August 27, she’ll publish The Vagina Bible, an encyclopedic guide to vagina-related topics born of what Gunter is calling a “vagenda” to empower people with facts about their own bodies

The book builds on her eponymous blog, which became a viral sensation when she took on jade eggs for the vagina sold on Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle website, Goop. The eggs were being marketed as devices “queens and concubines used … to stay in shape for emperors.” In an open letter to Paltrow, Gunter debunked the website’s claims and noted how sexist they were: “Nothing,” she wrote, “says female empowerment more than the only reason to do this is for your man.

Now officially Paltrow’s nemesis — the actress has subtweeted Gunter with Goop’s response to the doctor’s criticisms — Gunter says, “The basic tenet that I go by is that you can’t be an empowered patient with inaccurate information. It’s just not possible.”

Over the years, in Gunter’s blog posts and, more recently, columns in the New York Times, she’s set the record straight on myriad vagina-adjacent topics: vaginal steaming, abortion at or after 24 weeks, misinformation about the HPV vaccine, and best practices for pubic hair care.

Recently, I spoke to Gunter about the top vagina myths, the complex reasons women seek sex, and whether she’ll send Paltrow her book. Here’s our conversation, edited for length and clarity.

Julia Belluz

Can you tell me a little about your vagenda? By the way, I love that word.

Jen Gunter

Well, I don’t think I came up with it. It was around the [2016 US] election. There was all this misogynistic crap floating around everywhere. Some dude had written about Hillary Clinton, that she had a “vagenda of manocide.”

Julia Belluz

So you’re reappropriating it.

Jen Gunter

Yeah, I repurposed that. Manocide is really where we’re going here.

Julia Belluz

You’ve been writing about women’s health for a long time, but there’s finally a broad awareness on how policies around reproductive health have been written by men for women’s bodies. What’ll it take for that to change?

Jen Gunter

The patriarchy has to end. This system where men hold the power and women are largely excluded — it is toxic.

Julia Belluz

It seems like the big vagenda, the overarching theme in the book, is exposing all the ways the patriarchy obscures information about women’s bodies or leads to a failure to investigate basic things about women’s bodies. Also, how this often leaves women uninformed. Why are women out of the loop on their own bodies? What do you think are the cultural forces behind it?

Jen Gunter

There is so much misinformation, so if what you have been told has been riddled with half-truths and sometimes even lies, it is hard to know the facts. Western medicine has been linked with the patriarchy since the beginning. If you can’t dissect female cadavers, how can you know the anatomy?

Also, we speak with euphemisms to appease societal and religious mores. If you don’t use the words for female anatomy and normal function, then that imparts shame and can also lead to confusion.

Now we also have the “natural” fallacy gaining traction. Multiple influencers and even celebrities and some doctors advance the false notion that “your body knows” and “nature is best.” And if women look up vaginal garlic [yes, this is a thing] on a naturopath’s website and see it in Our Bodies, Ourselves, of course they will think it is a valid therapy when it is not.

I get that women have been ignored — that is why I am fighting for facts — but the answer isn’t magic and mystics. The answer is demanding that science do better, both with the bench and clinical research and communication.

Julia Belluz

Okay, so let’s start with the very basic facts. You begin the book by pointing to the difference between the vulva and vagina — largely because many people don’t even know what it is. Can you lay it out?

Jen Gunter

Oh, my gosh, that’s so common! The vulva is the external part, where your underwear touches your skin. The part on the inside — where you reach up to find a tampon or check an IUD string — is the vagina. The part where the two overlap is the vestibule.

Julia Belluz

And you made a very good case in the book for why the clitoris is so cool but also really underappreciated.

Jen Gunter

Yeah, it’s the only organ in the human body that exists only for pleasure. It has no other dual function. The penis is for peeing as well. Also for procreation. The clitoris is just there for the party.

Julia Belluz

That brings me to [a] common sex idea that you explain is not quite right: Penile penetration alone leads to orgasm through the G-spot, absent the clitoris. You cite MRI studies that have shown that even when people think it’s penetration [that leads to orgasm], it’s actually the clitoris.

Jen Gunter

This comes down to the fact that so many people don’t understand how large the clitoris is and how much of it is under the labia and wrapped around the urethra. So for some women, you’re going to get some part of your clitoris stimulated with penile penetration. And for some women, you won’t, and that’s okay. It’s not how you had an orgasm, it’s that you did have an orgasm. There’s this fixation that it has to come by way of penile thrusting.

When I started writing this book, every piece of information I thought I believed or everything that we as society believe about women’s bodies, I asked myself: How does this benefit the patriarchy? And if you think about this penile thrusting, well, that makes men feel like, “Oh, I’m the big man, I’ve brought your orgasm around with my mighty sword.” You can quote me on that.

How offensive is that to women who partner with women? Like, their sex is going to be less? Please.

Julia Belluz

Right. And you found two-thirds of women aren’t having orgasm from penetrative sex, and maybe they feel disappointed about that. And clearly, they shouldn’t.

Jen Gunter

Sex should be pleasure-oriented, not metric-oriented.

Julia Belluz

That’s the aphorism for our time.

Jen Gunter

Yeah, right. It’s not did you come with his penis? It’s did you have a good time and did you enjoy yourself?

We also often get fixated on orgasm being the money shot, that penile thrusting is causing this incredible orgasm. Instead, I love the new approach to the female sexual response that is this idea that women can come to sex for many reasons. They can come to sex to have an orgasm. They can come to sex to have physical closeness with their partner. They can come to sex to feel taken care of. They can come to sex for comfort. It’s not all about being horny.

Julia Belluz

Do you think the “sex recession” is real?

Jen Gunter

I have no idea if this is really a thing or not. I often wonder if people feel pressured to say that sex is the most important thing ever in their lives, and now many people are just being more honest and practical. Also, in a heterosexual relationship — how we have largely discussed sex until relatively recently — women were just supposed to say yes, and, if things sucked, just count ceiling tiles. I hope this is changing.

We have been led to believe, [because of] the pressures of a largely patriarchal society, that sex is the one true goal, and we use sex to sell almost everything, so that just reinforces that belief. Good sex is wonderful, don’t get me wrong. But life is a lot of things.

Julia Belluz

What message do you have for men who partner with women?

Jen Gunter

I would say stop asking your female partner if she came. It’s not ticking a box. Ask, instead, what feels good for you now? What can I do for you now? What do you like? Are you having fun? Is this good? Open-minded communication. Think of it as making dinner with someone, not serving them the meal and saying, well, I hope you like that.

Julia Belluz

Would you give the same kind of advice to women who partner with women or couples with a trans partner?

Jen Gunter

I hear horrible things that women who partner with men are told by their male partners about their intimate places — such as there “can’t be any blood” or “you stink” or “why don’t you shave all your pubic hair.” I have seen women break down because they have irregular spotting on every method of birth control and “he won’t wear condoms” and “thinks blood is gross” yet expects regular sex on his schedule. The things some men tell women about their normal bodies enrage me. I struggle to think of a woman who partners with women who has come to see me because of the shame her partner had made her feel about her body or who has had a partner say vile things about her body. That is a glaring difference I have seen that sticks with me.

Julia Belluz

What, if any, conversations have you had with trans women and trans men who may still carry children?

Jen Gunter

I see trans men who have vaginal irritation, pain with sexual activity, and pelvic pain or pain with sex. Many of these patients get their care in the trans health clinic and so already have an IUD for contraception. Since I no longer insert IUDs or Implanon [a contraception implant], I wouldn’t have an in-depth discussion about these methods with any patient unless specifically asked. I would have a brief discussion about contraception with a trans patient if they are at risk of pregnancy partner-wise and not using contraception, as I would with any patient.

Julia Belluz

What have you learned about sexual health from this community?

Jen Gunter

I think the biggest takeaway I have from seeing trans patients is how hard it can be for so many to access care — either due to services not available locally, prejudice, finances, or all three — and how many different people they have to see to have their symptoms taken seriously. I hear this from many patients, but sadly, there seem to be even more barriers for trans patients, and we must work to end that.

Julia Belluz

One other theme that permeates the book, as well as a lot of your other writing and your copious word spills on Gwyneth Paltrow, is this idea that there are too many people out there trying to sell people stuff for their vaginas that they don’t need.

Jen Gunter

Oh, my god, yes. My goal is to put everybody who sells feminine hygiene bullshit out of business. When I say feminine hygiene stuff, I don’t mean menstrual products. I hate calling menstrual products feminine hygiene. They’re menstrual products!

Julia Belluz

Are you going to send the book to Gwyneth Paltrow?

Jen Gunter

No, no, I wouldn’t.

Julia Belluz

I think she needs it.

Jen Gunter

Of course she does. But it wouldn’t sit with her desire to profit off telling people that they need liver detoxes and [jade eggs for the vagina].

Julia Belluz

There’s also so much talk of natural birth control methods, IUDs, and other moves away from the Pill. What do you see shifting in the way people take control of their sexual health?

Jen Gunter

I see a lot of conversations here, and unfortunately, many are based on misinformation and fear. I am firmly for reproductive choices, but scaring people about contraception is gaining traction, and fear is not part of informed consent. So we are seeing the radical right and radical left (nature-knows-best types) joining forces. I think people should have solid facts so they can weigh their personal risk-benefit ratio and go from there. I think it is very important for people to consider what will happen if they have a method failure — how important is it to not be pregnant? Do they have access to full reproductive health if they have an unplanned pregnancy? How will they feel if they have an unintended pregnancy?

Julia Belluz

You got the HPV vaccine recently, according to Twitter. This may have been surprising to some because you are in your early 50s, and in the past, the recommendation has been that the HPV vaccine is only for girls and women up to the age of 26. But there’s this new broadening of the age range for people who should get the shots. Can you explain?

Jen Gunter

Gardasil 9, which is the one that protects against nine strains of HPV — seven high-risk and the two that cause genital warts — is now approved from ages 9 to 45. If you’re going to vaccinate people, you want to catch the people that you’re more likely to help. The younger you are, the less likely you are to have had HPV. The younger you can get people, the more likely you can protect them from all nine strains. As we age and have sexual partners, we’re more likely to be exposed to different strains of HPV. But the chance that you’re going to be exposed to all of them is low.

So I figured that since I’m dating again, and I personally have never had a positive HPV test, and I have no history of having had an abnormal Pap smear or HPV, I thought, well, I’m in a pretty good category then. The chance that I’ve had all nine strains of HPV is probably low. So I just thought, why not get the shot to protect myself from any of the additional strains?

Julia Belluz

Are there other things that you wish more women did to keep their vaginas happy and healthy — and their vulvas and vestibules too?

Jen Gunter

Well, I wish HPV shots for all my friends. I wish that nobody smoked. That’s a very bad thing. People think about lung cancer and smoking. People don’t think about cardiovascular disease from smoking. It’s also very deleterious for the good bacteria in your vagina. And people who smoke have a higher risk of having HPV-related diseases like cervical cancer, so it’s a co-factor in HPV becoming more aggressive. Not smoking, that would be a wonderful thing.

Condoms. You know, there is a little bit of a drop in condom use, and that is probably due to the increasing use of the IUD. That doesn’t mean that people are having risky sex — they’re actually not. But if you’re switching from a method of barrier protection to a method of non-barrier protection, then you’ll have an increased risk of exposure.

Julia Belluz

Great advice.

Jen Gunter

I wish everybody could talk about the genital tract in the same way we talk about the elbow or the foot. It’s just a body part.

Complete Article HERE!

Is THIS Why You’re Struggling With Arousal?

By Tiffany Lashai Curtis

Somewhere in all of the many messages that we’ve received about sex, many of us came to accept the idea that when a penis is erect or when a vagina is wet, it means a person is primed and ready for sex. This isn’t always the case, and yet our cultural discourse around sex and arousal has led us to incorrectly assume that a person’s physical response to sexual stimulation is always aligned with their level of desire.

In reality, there are many times when desire and physical arousal don’t match. In fact, physical arousal (genital response) is distinct from subjective arousal (active mental engagement in sex), and the lingering confusion about this distinction can contribute to many people’s insecurity or concern within their own sex lives and—at worst—can blur the meaning of true consent.

There’s a name for when physical and subjective arousal are mismatched: arousal non-concordance.

What is arousal non-concordance?

It’s a serious-sounding name for a pretty common phenomenon that most of us have experienced or will experience at some point in our lives. If you’ve ever had a sexual experience in which you felt really turned on but had difficulty getting wet or erect or if you’ve had the opposite happen, where your body responded to a sexual stimulus but your mind was saying no, then you’ve experienced arousal non-concordance.

“Arousal concordance and non-concordance describe the simultaneous physical manifestation (or lack thereof) of a mental and emotional state of arousal,” physician and sexuality counselor Dr. Kanisha Hall tells mindbodygreen.

Simply put, arousal non-concordance can occur when the brain and the body are out of sync. While there is no official test to measure one’s levels of arousal concordance or non-concordance, researchers have asked participants to watch porn clips or view nude photographs while their vaginal pulse rate or the size of their erections were monitored (physical arousal) and then rate their level of desire (subjective arousal). The existing overlap between participants’ physical and subjective arousal is what is used as a marker of concordance.

Some people are more likely to experience arousal non-concordance than others. Dr. Hall says women may be more likely than men to experience it, which may have to do with the way female pleasure has been socially stigmatized, devalued, and construed as “mysterious,” creating more barriers to sexual satisfaction both physically and mentally.

Dr. Hall also noted that “stress, hormone imbalance, physical or mental disability, or a history of trauma may present a roadblock.”

Dealing with arousal non-concordance.

It’s easy to see why experiencing mismatched arousal can be extremely frustrating. “An individual may feel like their body is betraying them,” Dr. Hall says. “Others report feelings of inadequacy and dysfunction. These feelings bring stress to a person’s daily life and relationships. Also, you must realize the partner is usually bothered as well because they feel lacking in their ability to arouse and stimulate.”

Understanding arousal non-concordance and how we experience it can remind us that we are not damaged or weird if we don’t want to get busy all the time, if we become physically aroused in nonsexual situations, or if we don’t always respond positively to sexual touch even from a partner who we love or a person we find super attractive. By taking the time to note those moments when we aren’t experiencing arousal fully or when we experience unwanted arousal, we can become more attuned to how our bodies and minds react to certain kinds of stimulation and be more assertive about asking for what we want when we want it—and drawing boundaries when we don’t. Importantly, understanding that physical arousal alone does not and cannot take the place of clear and enthusiastic verbal consent is absolutely necessary to address our society’s ongoing culture of sexual assault.

We can also begin to figure out what really turns us on or off and open up the conversation with our partners. If you find that your mental desire for sex is present but that your body doesn’t get the memo when it’s time to get naked, getting reacquainted with things like lubricant (lots of it), clitoral stimulation, and taking the time to think about what kinds of touch or sensations you like and don’t like can make a huge difference. “Self-care and masturbation are great tools for assessing physical responses to stimuli,” Dr. Hall says.

If you experience physical arousal more than mental arousal, implementing something like a meditation practice or assessing what triggers your responsive desire can help your subjective arousal catch up to your physical response to sexual stimuli—if that’s what you want. Otherwise, you can at least begin to accept that your body’s biological responses are simply natural—nothing to feel shame or frustration about, as long as those responses aren’t interfering with your daily life.

If your experiences of non-concordance are due to trauma or if everyday sexual experiences do bring up emotional or physical pain, often it’s a good time to seek out professional help from a sexual health expert, whether that’s your gynecologist, another kind of sexologist or sexual health practitioner, or even a body worker who can help you process what you’re experiencing.

Whichever route you choose, know that arousal non-concordance is a normal experience and can be managed once you become aware of what’s happening.

Complete Article HERE!

How Long Do Most Men Need to Reset Between Orgasms?

By Aly Walansky

Porn might have you convinced that men are like Energizer bunnies that keep going and going and going, but the reality is a lot more human, and a lot more realistic: Even at their youngest or most virile, everyone needs some recovery time between sessions.

The male refractory period, a.k.a. the time between orgasms, can last minutes to days, says board-certified urologic surgeon Jamin Brahmbhatt, M.D. After sex, your penis becomes flaccid from neural signals telling your body to relax, especially the organ that’s been doing most of the work (yep, the penis), Brahmbhatt says.

Just like our computers or phones sometimes need a reboot, our bodies need that time as well. The excited fight-or-flight nervous system recedes, and the rest-and-restore system comes forward,” explains board-certified urologist and men’s sexual health expert Paul Turek, M.D.

After orgasming, a man’s dopamine and testosterone levels drop, while serotonin and prolactin increase. “If prolactin levels are lower, his refractory period will be shorter,” says sex expert Antonia Hall. “Other variables include stress and energy levels, arousal levels, and drug and alcohol use—including antidepressants and other prescription drugs that can hinder sexual desire.”

Individual recovery time also depends on your overall health and age, Brahmbhatt says. “Generally speaking, men in their 20s often need only a few minutes, while men in their 30s and 40s may need 30 minutes to an hour,” says Xanet Pailet, sex and intimacy educator and author of the new book Living An Orgasmic Life.

Many of the factors that impact MRP are out of men’s control. But being extremely aroused can shorten the length of the refractory period, Pailet says.

Gaining control of your orgasms can be a start to managing your recovery times.

“My best recommendation to men who want to be able to have sex multiple times in a short period is to learn ejaculatory control, which allows them to still experience an orgasm without ejaculating,” Pailet says. Ejaculatory control can be learned through breathwork, according to Pailet. There are tantric breathing techniques that can help you delay orgasm (and some breathing techniques that just make for better sex, tbh).

Of course, being your healthiest never hurts. “The best you can do is to keep that body of yours as healthy as possible by eating right, exercising regularly, and treating it like a temple,” Turek says. “A healthy body will reboot quicker than an unhealthy one.” That also includes avoiding too much alcohol, which is known to act as a depressant.

Maybe the best motivation to order that salad… ever.

Complete Article HERE!

Fake Orgasms, They’re Not That Bad After All

By Lux Alptraum

A short walk from my home on the Lower East Side of Manhattan lies Katz’s Delicatessen, one of the neighborhood’s biggest tourist attractions. It’s possible you’ve heard of Katz’s because of its famous pastrami sandwiches. But it’s equally likely you know it for reasons completely unrelated to its food: Katz’s is the site of the famous “I’ll have what she’s having” scene from When Harry Met Sally, a moment so iconic the restaurant even has a sign noting where, exactly, Meg Ryan’s famed fake orgasm took place.

It’s strange that a brief scene from an old an old film defines a place that’s been featured in over a dozen movies and TV shows. But the staying power of that scene is due to its unabashed look at a topic that manages to be intriguing, taboo, and incredibly controversial: the faked female orgasm. Whether you think it’s a harmless fib or a major faux pas, there’s no denying that “faking it” is inextricably connected to our ideas about female sexuality.

The typical read on fake orgasms is a simple one: women fake because they’re having bad sex and want to get it over with. In this version of events, women don’t understand their bodies, or are bad at communicating their needs, or end up partnering with someone who doesn’t listen, and the result is unsatisfying sex. Hoping to keep the peace with her partner — or perhaps just get some bad sex over and done with — the woman spares everyone embarrassment by mimicking the signs of sexual pleasure.

Women are crafty manipulators, but it’s ultimately to their disadvantage: sure, they’ve tricked a man into thinking he’s done well, but at the cost of their own sexual fulfillment. It’s this interpretation of faked pleasure that’s led to so many campaigns against faking it. If only women could be more in touch with their physical pleasure, could speak about their needs more, could advocate for their own orgasms, no one would need to fake. Taken to the extreme, this argument means women who fake aren’t merely letting themselves down: they’re actively traitors to the feminist movement and upholding mythical ideas about what women want from sex, and convincing legions of men that their selfish sexual technique is that of a giving, generous lover.

But is it really quite so cut-and-dry? Is the female urge to fake purely about preserving male ego at the expense of a woman’s access to enjoyment — or are there other, more complicated reasons why a woman might feign an orgasm when she isn’t actually feeling it? Is the act of faking an orgasm truly a betrayal of the fight for women’s sexual liberation, or is it, perhaps, a way of claiming control over a sexual situation? Why is the authenticity of anyone’s orgasm worth discussing to begin with? What is an orgasm? What does it feel like? How do you know if you’ve had one? If you have a penis, the answers to these questions are presumably straightforward. An orgasm is the sensation that accompanies ejaculation, and it feels, you know, pretty great. Because male orgasm is associated with ejaculation, few men devote much time to worrying about whether or not they’ve actually had one. The proof is — if you’ll pardon the turn of phrase — in the pudding. If you have vulva, on the other hand, the situation is a bit different.

During the mid-twentieth century, pioneering sexologists William Masters and Virginia Johnson attempted to map out the “typical” female sexual response cycle, dividing it into four distinct stages: excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. Under the model, the female sexual response cycle can be broadly understood as analogous to its male counterpart: penises get erect; vulvae lubricate. Muscles in the genital regions swell and contract, then release in a series of orgasmic pulses; post-orgasm, the body begins to cool down and relax.

There is value in the Masters and Johnson model, and it certainly describes the physical experience of some women (certainly enough so that doctors are still making use of it to diagnose sexual disorders). Yet in the decades since its debut, this linear, four-stage model has come under a great deal of criticism. It makes broad assumptions about the similarities between male and female sexual response. It primarily focused on women who were able to orgasm during penis-in-vagina intercourse, reinforcing the idea that that one particular sex act is central to female sexual pleasure while simultaneously devaluing the nonorgasmic pleasures derived from penis-in-vagina sex. In the decades since, a number of other sex researchers have attempted to map out female sexual response with other models: circular rather than linear models and models that include desire, emotional intimacy, and other nonphysical aspects of sexual pleasure. But even as these models improve on the work of Masters and Johnson, it’s still difficult to create one model of sexual ecstasy that can assuredly guide a woman on the path to orgasm (and guarantee that she’ll know when she’s had one) because of one very simple fact: there’s no one universal sign that serves as an indicator of female sexual ecstasy.

This fact can create a challenge for aspiring female orgasmers, particularly since orgasm isn’t an experience that we’re easily able to describe. “How would you describe what tickling feels like?” asks Charlie Glickman, a Seattle-based sex and relationships coach with two decades of experience in sex education. “How can you describe what chocolate tastes like? We don’t actually have a definition for these things. All we can do is give someone a piece of chocolate, or tickle them, and say, that’s the sensation that I’m talking about.” But orgasms aren’t as readily available, or easily distributed, as bars of chocolate — and if you’re a preorgasmic woman, desperate to figure out how you’ll know when it happens, it’s understandable that you might turn to porn or romance novels in search of some information that might help you better understand what, exactly, the elusive O is, and how you’ll know when (or if) you’ve achieved it.

Here are some of the descriptions of orgasm I’ve heard in my discussions with women: Mia, who learned about orgasm through watching porn, told me she’d been primed to expect a “big ordeal that came with bells and whistles” that served as a “big finish” to the act of sex (though what, exactly, was causing that big ordeal, or “what exactly it felt like, remained pretty mysterious to her). Ruby told me that as an adolescent, she knew orgasm “was supposed to feel like a ‘build up and release’ and that there would be full-body pleasure.” Rebecca, a 27-year-old sex blogger, had heard it was “an explosion that ran through your body,” but was convinced it could only happen during penis-in-vagina intercourse. Amanda Rose, a 23-year-old PhD student who’d been sexually active for a few years before learning about orgasms in her late teens, wrote in her high school journal that she’d heard orgasm was “a tingly feeling all over your body” and “like you really have to pee.”

You could be forgiven if all this orgasm talk makes your head swim, and you could especially be forgiven if it leaves you feeling more confused than ever about the dynamics of sexual climax. If you’re preorgasmic, learning that orgasms are like sneezes, but also fireworks and definitely something you’ll recognize when you experience it, and, most importantly of all, the greatest and best experience ever, isn’t particularly helpful — especially if most of that doesn’t quite turn out to be true. Yes, in spite of all the hype, there are plenty of orgasms that aren’t all that exciting, let alone awe inspiring or life changing. The notion of an underwhelming orgasm goes against everything we think we know about sex, but climaxes that aren’t particularly explosive are much more common than we think.

“We’ve gone from ‘People have sex for procreation’ to ‘People have sex to have orgasm,’” says Erin Basler, MEd, a staff member at Rhode Island’s Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health. Basler notes that she doesn’t really think that either of those sexual motivations has ever been universally true. The long history of birth control makes it abundantly clear that making babies has never really been the primary reason modern humans have pursued sex with one another. But if orgasm isn’t the primary motivation for getting busy, then what, exactly, is?

Basler offers up a number of different reasons why someone might enjoy, or pursue, sex that they’re pretty sure won’t lead to orgasm. There’s the thrill of physical intimacy, the desire to make another person happy, the stress-relieving potential — and, of course, the fact that the nonorgasm parts of sex can feel pretty good too. Fundamentally, we have sex “because touching erogenous zones feels good,” she tells me — and while we’ve been conditioned to see the experience as a task-oriented one, it’s also possible to treat it as an “experimental process” or “a journey that may just loop back around on itself,” Möbius strip style.

Conversations I’ve had with women about their sex lives back up Basler’s assertions. Julia, a 32-year-old based in London who’s more easily able to achieve orgasm through masturbation than sex, noted that “a sexual experience for me is about everything but the orgasm.” What does that include?

The ego boost of watching a partner get turned on by her body, the feeling of skin-to-skin contact, the pleasure of having someone celebrate and admire her vulva. Ruby made a distinction between her “sex drive” and her “orgasm drive,” explaining, “When I have sex, I certainly require pleasure, but I don’t require orgasm. So as long as my partner’s penis is hitting me at a good angle for a good amount of time, I’m happy.” That appreciation for penetration was echoed by Amanda Rose, whose ability to orgasm is directly correlated to where she is in her menstrual cycle. As she told me, “getting rhythmically banged out” can still feel great even when she knows orgasm isn’t likely, or even possible; on nights when she wants to sleep well, but isn’t feeling particularly horny, orgasm-free sex can be a useful way to relieve tension, relax, and get herself to sleep. Barbara, a 22-year-old designer from Venezuela, described the thrill of “you and your partner in a naked tangle of limbs nuzzling and kissing and licking, exploring each other’s bodies and whispering inside jokes and love words, smelling their hair and smacking their butt — orgasms I can have all by myself, but not that.” Other women talked up sex as an opportunity to provide a partner with pleasure.

I would also be remiss if I didn’t mention that faking orgasm is not the sole domain of women. Men can — and do — fake orgasms, albeit not in quite the same numbers as women. A 2010 study appearing in the Journal of Sex Research found that a full 25% of male participants had faked (or, in the lingo of the study, “pretended”) orgasm at some point in their sex lives; though that number is low in comparison to the 50% of women who reported faking it, it’s far greater than the zero percent that most people would assume. When men fake, they tend to rely on the same strategies as women, using moaning and exaggerated body motions to feign a climax. Why do men fake? Largely for the same reasons as women. The above-mentioned study found that pretend orgasms occurred when a genuine orgasm was deemed unlikely, but the faker was ready to be done with sex and wanted to avoid hurting his partner’s feelings. Most of the men I spoke with shared stories of faking that could just as easily have come from women: they were exhausted and ready for it to be over; the sex was subpar, but they still felt pressure to perform; they were hoping to bring an early end to a nonconsensual experience.

So while it’s tempting to write off faking as an easy out at best — or a betrayal of feminists at worst — perhaps we should be a little more generous toward the fakers among us. There’s so much pressure on women to live our best sex lives: to be enthusiastic, adventurous, always up for it, and, of course, easily orgasmic. Yet there’s so little space carved out for women to actually understand what that best sex life looks like for them, personally, as individuals, to buck against the narrative of acceptable sex and pleasure. Sometimes a fake orgasm is just a way of closing the gap between expectation and reality.

Complete Article HERE!

9 Reasons You Might Not Be Orgasming

By Sophie Saint Thomas

[W]hile orgasms don’t define good sex, they are pretty damn nice. However, our bodies, minds, and relationships are complicated, meaning orgasms aren’t always easy to come by (pun intended). From dating anxiety to medication to too little masturbation, here are nine possible culprits if you’re having a hard time orgasming — plus advice on how to deal.

1. You expect vaginal sex alone to do it for you.

One more time, for the cheap seats in the back: Only about 25 percent of people with vaginas come from penetration alone. If you’re not one of them, that doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you or your body. As licensed psychotherapist Amanda Luterman has told Allure, ability to come from vaginal sex has to do with the distance between the vaginal opening and the clitoris: The closer your clit is to this opening, the more vaginal sex will stimulate your clit.

The sensation of a penis or a dildo sliding into your vagina can be undeniably delightful. But most need people need that sensation paired with more direct clitoral stimulation in order to come. Try holding a vibrator against your clit as your partner penetrates you, or put your or your partner’s hands to good use.

2. Your partner is pressuring you.

Interest in your partner’s pleasure should be non-optional. But when you’re having sex with someone and they keep asking if you’ve come yet or if you’re close, it can throw your orgasm off track. As somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist Holly Richmond points out, “Being asked to perform is not sexy.” If your partner is a little too invested in your orgasm, it’s time to talk. Tell them you appreciate how much they care, but that you’re feeling pressure and it’s killing the mood for you.

It’s possible that they’re judging themselves as a partner based on whether or not you climax, and they may be seeking a little reassurance that they’re making you feel good. If they are, say so; if you’re looking to switch it up, this is your opportunity to tell them it would be so hot if they tried this or that thing next time you hop in bed.

3. Your antidepressants are messing with your sex drive.

As someone who continues to struggle with depression, I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to seek treatment and take medication if you and your care provider decide that’s what’s right for you. Antidepressants can be lifesavers, and I mean that literally.

However, certain medications do indeed affect your ability to come. SSRIs such as Zoloft, Lexapro, and Prozac can raise the threshold of how much stimulation you need to orgasm. According to New York City sex therapist Stephen Snyder, author of Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long Lasting Relationship. “For some women, that just means you’re going to need a good vibrator,” says New York City sex therapist Stephen Snyder, author of Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long Lasting Relationship. “For others, it might mean your threshold is so high that no matter what you do, you’re just not going to be able to get there.”

If your current medication is putting a dramatic damper on your sex life, you have options, so talk to your doctor. Non-SSRI antidepressants such as Wellbutrin are available, while newer medications like Viibryd or Trintellix may come with fewer sexual side effects than other drugs, Snyder says. I’m currently having excellent luck with Fetzima. I don’t feel complete and utter hopelessness yet can also come my face off (a wonderful way to live).

4. Your birth control is curbing your libido.

Hormonal birth control can also do a number on your ability to climax, according to Los Angeles-based OB/GYN Yvonne Bohn. That’s because it can decrease testosterone levels, which in turn can mean a lower libido and fewer orgasms. If you’re on the pill and the sexual side effect are giving you grief, ask your OB/GYN about switching to a pill with a lower dose of estrogen or changing methods altogether.

5. You’re living with anxiety or depression.

“Depression and anxiety are based on imbalances between neurotransmitters,” OB/GYN Jessica Shepherd tells Allure. “When your dopamine is too high or too low, that can interfere with the sexual response, and also your levels of libido and ability to have sexual intimacy.” If you feel you may have depression or an anxiety disorder, please go see a doctor. Your life is allowed to be fun.

6. You’re not having sex for long enough.

A good quickie can be exciting (and sometimes necessary: If you’re getting it on in public, for example, it’s not exactly the time for prolonged foreplay.) That said, a few thrusts of a penis inside of a vagina is not a reliable recipe for mutual orgasm. Shepherd stresses the importance of foreplay, which can include oral, deep kissing, genital stimulation, sex toys, and more. Foreplay provides both stimulation and anticipation, making the main event, however you define that, even more explosive.

7. You’re recovering from sexual trauma.

Someone non-consensually went down on me as part of a sexual assault four years ago, and I’ve only been able to come from oral sex one time since then. Post-traumatic stress disorder is common among survivors of sexual trauma; so are anxiety and orgasm-killing flashbacks, whether or not the survivor in question develops clinical PTSD. Shepherd says sexual trauma can also cause hypertonicity, or increased and uncomfortable muscle tension that can interfere with orgasm. If you’re recovering from sexual trauma, I encourage you to find a therapist to work with, because life — including your sex life — can get better.

8. You’re experiencing body insecurity.

Here’s the thing about humans: They want to have sex with people they’re attracted to. Richmond says it’s important to remember your partner chooses to have sex with you because they’re turned on by your body. (I feel confident your partner loves your personality, as well.) One way to tackle insecurity is to focus on what your body can do — for example, the enormous pleasure it can give and receive — rather than what it looks like.

9. You’re shying away from masturbation.

Our partners don’t always know what sort of stimulation gets us off, and it’s especially hard for them to know when we don’t know ourselves. If you’re not sure what type of touch you enjoy most, set aside some time and use your hands, a sex toy, or even your bathtub faucet to explore your body at a leisurely pace. Once you start to discover how to make yourself feel good, you can demonstrate your techniques to your partner.

Complete Article HERE!

8 Things That Happen to Your Body During Sex

Your heart quickens. Your hormones flow. See what else is happening, head to toe, in the heat of the moment.

[E]ver wondered what happens to your body during a steamy session between the sheets? From the good (happy hormones! increased sensitivity!) to the not-so-good (increased risk of urinary tract infections, for example), here are eight things that happen when you’re having sex.

1. Happy hormones are released. Sex stimulates the secretion of hormones such as oxytocin, which makes you feel connected to others, and dopamine, which activates the brain’s reward center. The result: You feel satisfied and close to your partner.

2. Blood vessels widen. What do dilated blood vessels do for you? “Your clitoris and vulva become engorged, as do the vessels in the vaginal wall,” says urologist and sexual-health expert Jennifer Berman, MD. “This leads to more secretions and lubrication.” Your face and chest can also get flushed.

3. Sensitivity skyrockets. Your erogenous zones, including the nipples, ears, neck, and genital area, become extra sensitive because of increased blood flow and the release of sensation-enhancing neurotransmitters.

4. Bacteria may build up. During sex, bacteria from the vagina and anus can get into the urethra and multiply, leading to a urinary tract infection. Tip: Pee immediately after the act to flush out bacteria.

5. You burn (some) calories. A study in The New England Journal of Medicine found that a 154-pound person would burn 21 calories during six minutes of sexual activity. So a roll in the sack isn’t as effective as spin class, but a sexy half hour could torch around 100 calories.

6. Your heart races. Like any aerobic activity, sex raises your heart rate. It peaks when you orgasm and settles back to its baseline within 10 to 20 minutes, research shows.

7. Your muscles tense. “During orgasm, the pelvic floor muscles involuntarily contract,” says Dr. Berman. Actively tensing and releasing those muscles during sex can help boost engorgement, arousal, and pleasure. Kegels, anyone?

8. You feel relaxed. Your big O may be the ultimate chill pill: Orgasms trigger an increase in prolactin, a calming hormone that reaches its highest levels when we’re asleep.

Complete Article HERE!

Post-Orgasmic Goading

Q:

When pleasuring another dude’s cock, when should I stop riding/sucking/stroking after he’s cum? I know how sensitive my cock gets after cumming, but I also feel like some of the sweetest and most intimate moments can be what I do with his cock as it subsides and softens, not to mention that there can still be intense, intense pleasure in those early post-cum moments.
Go for it, while adapting to his needs!

ERECT PENIS

[I] agree with you that the sweetest and most intense pleasurable sensations can be had soon after ejaculation. I personally call this post-ejaculatory penile massage post-orgasmic goading (but that’s a personal terminology as I’ve never seen an official terminology for this) because this deliberate teasing is done at a time where we all know the penis to be extremely sensitive.

Post-orgasmic goading is not something we men tend to do instinctively for ourselves, as a consequence of the additive impact of three phenomena happening quickly after ejaculation:

  1. The powerful and overwhelming sensation of fatigue that numbs us after ejaculation
  2. The almost instantaneous disappearance of all interest for sex that follows ejaculation
  3. The excruciating sensitiveness of the penis — of the glans in particular — following ejaculation

Acting synergistically, these phenomena trained us very early into avoiding any stimulation to our penis after ejaculation. In fact, this is something most of us were driven to understand only a few weeks after our first ejaculation. As a result, most men will have little to no experience with (and, for some, even the knowledge of) the powerful sensations that can be squeezed out from the penis after ejaculation.

Does that mean that post-orgasmic goading should be avoided? Not at all: on the contrary, it should be encouraged.

What it means however, is that you have to be mindful when initially introducing a partner to post-orgasmic masturbation.

  • Begin by announcing your intent. I don’t mean writing down a contract in triplicates, but after the guy has cum and you continue to masturbate him, tell him that you do. Something like “seeing you cum was wonderful, I want to see you squirm and hear you moan longer”. Eventually, you won’t need to ask his permission to go on with the post-orgasmic goading, but at first you’ll need to, so that your partner doesn’t feel apprehensive. Indeed, when unexpected, post-orgasmic goading will bring forth a feeling of loss of control (and it is, to a point). And most men don’t live well with that feeling, as it is not part of the male psyche.
  • Be clear that you’ll stop if he asks to, and indeed stop when he does asks you to… but with a slight delay. The delay is important as the intensity of the caresses are very likely to make him utter you to stop way too soon. So you should playfully continue a bit longer, yet without going overboard so that he’ll know that you can be trusted. At first, you might not continue for long after ejaculation, but as he learns both that you can be trusted and to let go, you’ll be able to give him long minutes of quasi-orgasmic pleasures…
  • Finally, be considerate. While you can continue to caress the shaft with a relatively strong grip (yet toned down compared to how you held his cock as you sent him through orgasm), you must handle the glans with extreme care. Using his semen(1) as lube, rub the glans slightly and delicately with your fingertips. You’re better off beginning too delicately than the other way around because if you begin the cockhead’s caresses too harshly, it will hurt and that will be the end of it. To evaluate your accomplishment, watch his abs for sudden contractions, watch his shoulders dance around, watch his head moving back and forth, watch also for his hand(s) that may attempt to grip you (surprisingly) strongly in an attempt to immobilize you. Listen to his moans also. Embolden him to move and moan…
  • When introducing a man to post-orgasmic goading, one has to be initially very mindful and open to the needs of the other. When done correctly, it opens a new world of sensations and it is totally fun and addictive(2) ! After some time, you’ll be able to make him dance, squirm and whimper for a surprisingly long time. He will even be looking for it.

While semen is a hassle to deal with after ejaculation, we all like to be reminded that we ejaculated and how much we came. Playing with our semen and smearing it all over helps drive the point that we came and helps us registering that we impregnated the world with our DNA. It makes us feel manly. It’s important to fool around with cum, and doing so won’t change the fact that a clean up is needed after orgasm.

This article is written with a partner in mind as this is the question, but the same applies to you too. Every man should use post-orgasmic goading on their own cock. The same careful and delicate approach applies, especially since it is so difficult to persevere at first, as the glans’ exquisite sensitivity tends to make us spineless. Yet, going against the post orgasmic fatigue and the transient disinterest in sex, on one side, and learning to exploit instead of steering clear from the penis’ post orgasmic sensitiveness, on the other side, allows us to milk even more pleasure from our penis. Something no one can be averse to, right? As it goes so much against our instinctual behavior however, it has to be learned and practiced. Practice makes perfect, though. So practice my lad, practice !