Many survivors aren’t sure what to do after a sexual assault

– Here’s what you need to know

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Millions of people have experienced sexual violence and abuse in England and Wales, but many do not know where to go, or who to turn to afterwards. Shame felt by victims and survivors of sexual violence can be reinforced by the responses of family members and others.

This means many find it difficult to get help, sometimes carrying the burden of abuse for years. As one survivor I spoke to put it: “My parents didn’t want to know when I spoke to them about it. I grew up in the age of where everything was hidden. So, I kept this totally from everybody until 2021.” Perpetrators count on survivors of abuse not being heard.

I’ve been researching the work of Sexual Assault Referral Centres (Sarcs) in England, and speaking to survivors who have used their services. The narratives people share are upsetting, but give me hope – there is a strong network of Sarcs and other sexual violence and abuse services providing support to people across England, whether people choose to involve the police or not.

Getting help as soon as possible is important for any injuries and to reduce risks of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and pregnancy.

A person may prioritise contacting the police, especially if there is ongoing risk of harm to them or a third party. The police will check safety and refer victims and survivors to support agencies like Sarcs. A survivor can opt to provide a witness statement at the appropriate time.

The first Sarc opened in 1986. Today there are over 50 across England and Wales. Sarcs can be a first point of care for any survivor, no matter their age, gender or how long it has been since the abuse occurred. They can be reached 24/7, and offer crisis support, first aid, pregnancy and STI testing, emergency contraception, forensic care and referrals to other services like independent sexual violence advisers.

What happens when you seek help after sexual assault

Sarcs offer the choice to have a forensic medical examination to collect evidence, which may be useful if the case goes to court. These samples, which include swabs of where physical contact took place, must usually be taken within a few days. Acting quickly gives the greatest chance of securing forensic evidence.

These exams were once undertaken in busy emergency departments and police stations, but Sarcs provide dedicated private spaces and a supportive environment. One survivor I interviewed referred to their experience as “a remarkably positive experience, considering the circumstances. I was impressed by [the forensic practitioner’s] professionalism and her knowledge, she was supportive in terms of me being a victim.”

Unless there are overriding safeguarding concerns, survivors have a choice about whether or not to involve the police. The staff at a Sarc can help a person decide the best course of action for their situation. This could include storing samples for reporting in the future, and anonymous reporting.

A circle of people sitting in chairs in a support group, focus is on one young woman with peers comforting her
Sarcs help survivors access other services like counselling and support for domestic abuse.

Sarcs are not the same as Rape Crisis centres, which are run by the voluntary sector. Rape Crisis England and Wales provides a 24/7 helpline, with around 40 centres offering outreach, advocacy, pre-trial therapy, peer support and counselling. Many also provide specialist advocates who can help survivors navigate the justice system.

Rape Crisis is struggling to keep up with the high demand for its services, in response to record numbers of survivors coming forward for help. A backlog of cases in the courts due to the pandemic, delayed trials and lack of resources in the judicial system, means there are now nearly 10,000 cases waiting, each taking an average of two years to be heard. This places further pressure on voluntary sector services to support people for longer.

What do survivors say about Sarcs?

Through our research, my colleagues and I have spoken to hundreds of survivors between the ages of 18 and 75 about their experiences of Sarcs. We have found that these services are safe and effective, with around 1% of participants feeling they had been adversely affected by the care they received.

On joining our research (around 100 days after contacting the Sarc), 70% of participants had symptoms consistent with PTSD. After one year and contact with many different services, this had fallen to 55%. As one man shared: “I feel that the support I’ve had … has given me a better outlook on life.”

People said they felt safe, believed and understood at Sarcs, and they received accurate and accessible information. Traditionally, the voluntary sector has been the benchmark for survivor-centred, trauma-informed care. But participants in our research rated Sarc care at least as positively as support from the voluntary sector. These results are heartening.

But there is still work to be done to ensure people understand their options after sexual violence. Only around one in 10 eligible people ever access a Sarc’s services. In particular, survivors from ethnic minorities, those experiencing concurrent domestic abuse and those with mental health problems struggle to access help.

Giving survivors choices and control over decisions is crucial in the aftermath of sexual violence. Aside from Sarcs, survivors can talk to a health professional like their GP, sexual health or antenatal care provider, or get in touch with Rape Crisis or The Survivors Trust. No one should have to carry the burden of sexual violence and abuse alone.

Complete Article HERE!

Consent Culture

— What Consent Means and How to Set Personal Boundaries

By Peyton Nguyen

What is consent? Consent is a key component of all healthy relationships. What you are or are not comfortable with in a sexual experience can change over time. Thus, it’s important to communicate your needs to your partner while also checking to see what their needs are.

Consent culture, where people in a community feel empowered to freely make decisions regarding their own comfort as it pertains to their sexual experiences, is created through open dialogue about sex.

As part of a continuous effort to bring that conversation to the BU community, Student Health Services hosted an event for incoming students at Orientation called Cones for Consent. The event was originally established by SHS’ Sexual Assault Response & Prevention Center (SARP). Students completed a quick survey and got free ice cream in exchange! As a Student Health Ambassador, talking with students about such an important topic at a fun event like this was nice. Being able to chat with such a large portion of the student body over a popsicle was a great way to close out the summer. Our discussions and the array of anonymous survey responses helped us better understand how BU students think about consent.

Here’s What Students Responded With:

“Consent culture means having respect for others’ boundaries.”

Defining boundaries is an important part of establishing a healthy relationship, and respecting them ensures that everyone feels safe and comfortable.

“It means that you openly communicate with your partner.”

Open communication empowers partners to discuss what they like, dislike, and everything in between.

“Creating consent culture lets us feel safe and empowered on campus.”

Consent culture makes the campus community a better place for us all!

“Consent is always an enthusiastic yes that can be taken back at any time.”

Consent should always be freely given. If a person feels uncomfortable or can’t give consent, stop what you’re doing.

Through the survey, students showed that consent culture is important to them as members of the BU community – so how can you encourage the development of consent culture in your own relationships?

Here are a few tips to help you get started!

Have a conversation with yourself:

  • It isn’t always easy to know what you want. That’s why it’s important to take time and reflect on what you’re comfortable with.
  • Consider what ideas you may have surrounding sex in general. These are often shaped by past experiences, but you’re the only one who can know what’s best for you!

Understand what boundaries are:

  • Boundaries are guidelines/limits that help you feel comfortable and safe. These boundaries should be respected.
  • Over time, boundaries can change. This is completely normal! It’s important to revisit them as time passes, just to check in and see if anything has changed.
  • Boundaries can be set regarding a large number of things. Examples include:
    • Using condoms when having sex
    • Getting screened for STIs before having sex
    • Types of sexual activities that you are comfortable (or not comfortable) with

How to have the conversation:

  • Clearly communicating your needs and wants will help everyone be on the same page.
  • Here are some fill-in-the-blank guides for communicating boundaries:
    • Before we have sex, I think it’s important for us to both get screened for STIs. It’s important to me, and will make me feel safe.
    • Just FYI, since we’re going out tonight, I don’t want to have sex if we’ve been drinking. It makes me feel ________.
    • I don’t feel comfortable with ______. If you’re not okay with that, we shouldn’t have sex.

Addressing Consent and boundaries in the moment:

  • You might think you’re okay with something, and then once you’re in the moment, it may not feel right. That’s okay, and you deserve to have your boundaries respected. Don’t be afraid to verbalize that.
  • “No” is a full sentence – you don’t need to give a reason or justification.
  • If you hear “no” during sex, stop what you’re doing and check in with your partner. Boundaries are not a one-and-done conversation. It can take time to fully discuss everyone’s boundaries, and that’s okay!

Complete Article HERE!

Sexual Assault

— How to Help Your Loved One

Each year, millions of men and women in the United States are affected by sexual violence. It is distressing to find out that someone you love has been a victim of sexual assault, but there are steps you can take to offer support.

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  • After a sexual assault, it may be easy to lose focus on what is most important; your primary focus should be on your loved one’s physical and emotional needs.
  • During this crisis, your loved one needs your unconditional support and care.
  • Following a sexual assault, victims face making difficult decisions; respecting your loved one’s decisions without question is essential.

How to respond

It is hard to know how to react after finding out a loved one has been a victim of sexual assault. It takes courage for someone to disclose what happened, and you may be at a loss for how to respond.

Each individual reacts and copes with traumatic events differently. Your loved one may be tearful, angry, withdrawn, or even laughing and joking. These are all normal responses to trauma; the best thing to do is be a supportive presence.

Personal and physical safety and well-being are of utmost importance. You can help create a safety plan to avoid contact with the person who assaulted your loved one. You should contact law enforcement if your loved one is receiving threats or is in imminent danger.

If your loved one wishes to seek medical attention, many hospitals have sexual assault nurse examiners available. These nurses can offer a sexual assault examination and collect forensic evidence several days after a sexual assault.

Ways you can offer support

It may be challenging to know how to comfort a loved one who has been a victim of sexual assault. The most important thing is to express your care and concern. Offering support can be done in a variety of ways.

  • Ask your loved one what you can do to help. Let your loved one express what you can do to help them feel comfortable and safe. It may be as simple as gathering their favorite comfort items, like their favorite fuzzy blanket and slippers.
  • Validate your loved one’s feelings. They may be overwhelmed by a wide range of confusing emotions. Listen and empathize with their feelings, fears, and concerns.
  • Ask for permission before giving physical touch. Your loved one has lost power and control over their own body. Letting your loved one tell you how they would like to be comforted puts them in control. You might be more valuable by providing kind words than physical affection.
  • Respect your loved one’s choices. It is up to your loved one to decide the next steps following a sexual assault. They must determine if they want to talk to law enforcement or seek medical attention. Whether or not you agree with the decisions your loved one has made, it is essential to respect their choices unconditionally.

Things you should avoid

Everyone copes with crises and trauma differently. There is no right way to react when hearing that someone you love has been a victim of sexual assault. Your loved one may have feelings of guilt or self-blame.

It takes great courage for someone to disclose they have been a victim of sexual assault. You must reassure your loved one that they are not at fault and that you support and believe them. You may have many questions about the incident, but you should let your loved one disclose the information if and when they feel ready.

You may be angry and have thoughts and opinions about the situation; however, you should put your feelings aside and focus on supporting your loved one.

How to support your loved one moving forward

Following a sexual assault, it is common to feel numb or anxious. Your loved one may experience difficulty sleeping or eating or experience flashbacks and panic attacks. Encouraging soothing and relaxing self-care exercises like breath work or meditation may be helpful.

Your loved one may benefit from seeing a therapist or counselor to help them cope and begin to heal from their trauma. Be aware of warning signs that your loved one may be having thoughts of self-harm. You can refer your loved one to mental health crisis resources as needed.

Hearing about someone else’s traumatic events can affect your mental health. You may have difficulty processing what happened to your loved one. Be kind to yourself and seek mental health resources for yourself if needed.

In this digital age, venting or sharing information online may be tempting. Remember to respect your loved one’s confidentiality. They may be ready to disclose to you, but you must respect their privacy.

There are many resources for survivors of sexual assault. If your loved one is interested, referring them to an advocacy or support group may be helpful.

When a loved one has been a victim of sexual assault, there are many things you can do to help them. Recovering after a sexual assault is a long-term process; your loved one needs empathy and unconditional support. The most important thing is to follow their cues and let your loved one tell you how you can help them through the process.

Complete Article HERE!

Sexual coercion

— Definition, examples, and recovery

Sexual coercion is when a person pressures, tricks, threatens, or manipulates someone into having sex. It is a type of sexual assault because even if someone says “yes,” they are not giving their consent freely.

By Zawn Villines

People who experience sexual coercion may feel they have no option but to have sex. The perpetrator may use guilt or the threat of negative consequences to get what they want. Alternatively, they may promise rewards that may or may not be real.

Sexual coercion is most likely to happen in existing relationships, but anyone can behave this way, particularly if there is an imbalance of power. Although it does not involve physical force, it is still damaging.

Keep reading to understand what sexual coercion is, examples of this behavior, and when to seek help.

Sexual coercion is when someone pressures a person in a nonphysical wayTrusted Source to have sex with them. It can occur in any kind of relationship and applies to any type of sex.

Sex can be coercive even if someone says “yes.” In sexual coercion, a person has sex because they feel they should or must, rather than because they want to.

The nature of sexual coercion can vary significantly, from persistently asking for sex until someone gives in to threats of violence or revenge. As some types of coercion are not obviously intimidating, some people may not realize they are experiencing or engaging in it.

Non-coercive sex involves affirmative consent. This means that all sexual partners explicitly and enthusiastically give their verbal consent to sexual activities without the influence of any external pressures. They also agree that people can withdraw consent at any time, for any reason, with no negative consequences.

Other hallmarks of consensual sex include:

  • mutual respect
  • equal power dynamics
  • autonomy, meaning all partners are free to make their own decisions
  • no sense of entitlement, meaning that partners do not expect sex from their partner
  • physical and emotional safety

Involuntary physical responses, such as an erection or vaginal lubrication, are not equivalent to consent. True consent is also not possible if a person feels pressured or intimidated into saying “yes”, or they simply do not say “no”. Sexual contact in these situations can be sexual assault.

A person may try to sexually coerce someone through:

  • Harassment: Repeatedly asking someone for sex when they have expressed disinterest is coercive behaviorTrusted Source, especially if it intends to wear someone down until they give in.
  • Guilt: A person may try to make someone feel guilty for saying no to sex. For example, they may emphasize how long it has been since they last had sex, say that the person owes them sex, or that it is their obligation as their partner.
  • Lies: A person may use misinformation to coax someone to have sex with them. They may use myths about consent to convince someone they have no right to say no, make false promises, or tell them their demands or coercive behaviors are normal.
  • Threats to the relationship: A person may threaten to leave a relationship if someone does not consent to sex. Alternatively, they may play on their partner’s insecurities, such as by suggesting they are boring or unattractive if they say no, or that they will start being unfaithful.
  • Blackmail: This is when someone weaponizes secret information about a person to force them into having sex. For example, the perpetrator might threaten to release nude photographs online if someone does not consent to sex.
  • Fear and intimidation: A person may behave in a scary or intimidating manner when they do not get their way to pressure someone into sex.
  • Power imbalance: A person may use the power they get from their job, status, or wealth to coerce someone. They may threaten someone with job loss, lower grades, a tarnished reputation, or other negative consequences if they do not agree. Alternatively, they may promise rewards and opportunities.
  • Using substances: A person may encourage someone to use drugs or alcohol to make them more compliant and therefore easier to coerce into sex. If a person has sex with someone while inebriated or unconscious, this is rape.

There is less research on sexual coercion than other types of nonconsensual sex, but what exists suggests that it is common and more likely to affect some people than others.

For example, a 2018 study of Spanish adolescents found that although males and females reported being victims of coercion, males were more likely to engage in coercive behavior. The researchers found that certain attitudes correlate with a higher risk of coercive behavior, including:

  • a belief that sexually coercive behaviors are normal
  • a desire for power and control
  • hostile sexism, which promotes the idea that men should have dominance over women

Another 2018 study also notes a link between sexual coercion and sexism, particularly in heterosexual relationships, where traditional gender roles can influence power dynamics.

If it is part of a pattern, sexual coercion is abuse. According to the domestic violence support organization REACH, in the context of relationships, the term “abuse” describes any pattern of behavior that a person uses to gain control or power over someone else.

Sometimes, coercive sex happens just once. It may result from a misunderstanding or someone believing in myths about what is normal in sexual relationships. However, if a person does not care that the behavior is harmful or continues to do it regardless, this signals an abusive relationship.

A person may use sexual coercion alongside other types of abuse, such as coercive control. This involves demanding control over many aspects of their partner’s life, such as:

  • what they wear
  • where they go
  • who they socialize with

Demeaning or insulting comments, humiliation, and gaslighting may also wear down someone’s self-esteem.

Although coercive sex is a type of abuse, its legal status varies.

In the United States, coercive sex may be sexual assault if the perpetrator:

  • knows the person finds the act offensive
  • initiates sex for the purposes of abusing, harassing, humiliating, or degrading the person
  • knows the individual has a health condition that means they cannot give informed consent
  • knows the person is unaware the sex is taking place
  • has impaired the individual’s judgment by giving them substances to intoxicate them
  • is in a position of authority and has sex with someone in custody, such as in prison or the hospital

The age of the people involved is also an important factor. Sexual contact is illegal if it involves:

  • someone below the age of 21 and their guardian
  • someone below the age of 16 and a person who is 4 or more years older than them
  • anyone below the age of 10

Individual state laws may add additional circumstances under which coercive sex becomes illegal. Schools, workplaces, and other institutions may classify itTrusted Source as sexual harassment rather than assault and have their own rules for managing it.

Recovering from sexual coercion can begin with a realization that previous sexual experiences were not healthy or that a current relationship involves elements of coercion. This can be difficult for people to come to terms with. It may bring up intense emotions, such as sadness, anger, or guilt.

However, it is important to remember that, even if someone said “yes” to coercive sex, it is not their fault.

To process what happened, a person may consider:

  • confiding in an understanding, trustworthy friend
  • speaking with a free, confidential helpline for advice, such as RAINN
  • talking with a therapist who specializes in coercive sex or sexual assault recovery
  • joining an online or in-person support group
  • learning more about affirmative consent

For people who are currently in a relationship where coercion has taken place, they may wish to consider:

  • setting a time to talk about sex and consent in a safe space
  • setting boundaries around what is and is not OK
  • discussing the consequences of what happens when someone crosses those boundaries
  • seeking help and mediation from a relationship counselor

A person should only do this if the coercion is not part of a wider pattern of abuse. If it is, they should not attempt to address or change the perpetrator’s behavior.

Domestic abuse can escalateTrusted Source over time and be fatal. The safest thing a person can do in this situation is to stay safe and seek help.

If a person has experienced something they believe to be sexual abuse, there are several options for seeking help. For assaults that have just happened, a person should consider:

  • dialing 911 or their country’s emergency number to report it to the police
  • visiting a hospital, rape center, or doctor’s office for medical care
  • seeking help from trusted friends or family

For less recent assaults, a person may still be able to report it to the police or receive medical care to prevent pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections. It is best to do this as soon as possible.

If a person is unsure if they have experienced sexual coercion, assault, or abuse, they may wish to speak with a helpline, support worker, or lawyer specializing in this area. It is especially important to do this if:

  • the partner makes them feel unsafe
  • the partner controls their daily life
  • they worry about what would happen if they tried to leave
  • the partner has threatened or carried out violence toward a person, their children, or pets

Sexual coercion is when someone pressures or threatens someone into having sex with them. The person may persistently ask for sex to wear someone down, use guilt or a sense of obligation to get what they want, or trick someone by making them intoxicated or lying. More extreme tactics include threats of violence and blackmail.

Sexual coercion can be part of a pattern of abuse. For sex to be healthy, all partners must understand consent and clearly communicate and respect boundaries. If any partners repeatedly cross boundaries, they are engaging in abusive behavior.

People who believe they have experienced coercive sex can speak with a confidential support service for advice.

Complete Article HERE!

What Exactly Defines ‘Active Consent’ in Sexual Activity?

by

Warning: This article contains discussions of sexual assault.

Healthy relationships start with feeling respected and safe which is why it is so important to understand how to go about seeking ‘active’ consent if you are about to engage in any kind of sexual activity. It is never okay for someone to do something to you without an enthusiastic and explicit ‘yes’.

If your decision-making powers are taken away and you are sexually assaulted it is important to know who to turn to and what to do next. Equally important is knowing that there is help out there to support survivors and their loved ones through these difficult times.

At ReachOut (where I work as CEO), we define sexual assault as any kind of sexual activity where you are forced, coerced or tricked into doing when you didn’t want to. It can be carried out by a romantic partner, by someone you know or by a total stranger and includes unwanted sexual behaviours such as forced, unwanted sex, sexual acts or touching, child sexual abuse or indecent assault.

It is a form of trauma that can show up in different ways including shock and denial, fear, silence, anxiety, depression or low self-esteem. If you think you may have been sexually assaulted, you might feel scared, overwhelmed and unsure where or who to turn to. There’s also a chance you might blame yourself for not recognising sooner that what happened to you was sexual assault. The most important thing to remember
is that if you have been sexually assaulted it is never your fault.

There are lots of support services available to support you through these difficult times, as well as a number of immediate steps you can take to help you feel physically and psychologically safe.

If you’ve been sexually assaulted recently, the first step you may want to take in order to feel safe is to call 000 to ask for the police or for an ambulance if you are injured. It can also be a good idea to talk to a trusted friend, family member or colleague or think about calling a confidential 24-hour helpline such as 1800 RESPECT.

Most towns have a free sexual assault clinic or service with trained professionals, like doctors, nurses or counsellors, who can help you with what to do next. They can guide you through your options and answer any questions about things like emergency contraception, rape kits, and sexual health checks, as well as provide emotional support. If there isn’t a sexual assault clinic available to you, you can also go speak to your GP or visit the hospital, and ask for somebody with experience in sexual assault.

If you feel like you might want to take action against your perpetrator it’s a great idea to talk to one of the options above about it and get support when you are ready. Most importantly, there is no ‘right’ way to respond to sexual assault and every survivor’s recovery from sexual assault will look different because there is no set timeline for coming to terms with sexual assault and no set schedule for healing.

This is why it’s so important that, even if you seek help or guidance from other people, you choose what happens next.

2021 Australian of the Year and sexual assault survivor Grace Tame believes that having support around you is so important, as is practicing forms of ‘self-care’ so that you can make sure you’re on a healthy path towards recovery.

“You need to make sure that you have support around you and that you have enough time to take care of yourself properly, and get back in touch with simple meaningful values, family time, downtime, nature, eating well, exercising and sleeping. You really want to get back to your true self,” Tame said.

Additionally, when engaging in sexual activities and seeking consent, it’s so important that you feel respected and safe. ‘Active consent’ means that you and your partner/s give each other an explicit ‘yes’ to the sexual activity you are about to be involved in.

Regardless of what you’re wearing, drinking or if you are flirting with another person, it’s never okay for someone to do something to you without your resounding consent. If the sexual activity is done without your consent, it is considered sexual assault or rape.

These guidelines can help with seeking ‘active’ consent if you are about to engage in any kind of sexual activity:

● Sexual consent must be explicit. There’s only one way to know if someone has given their explicit consent: if they clearly let you know they agree.

● You can always change your mind. You or your sexual partner can decide at any time that you don’t want to keep going. If this happens, both people should stop or it can be deemed sexual assault or rape.

● It’s good to check in with each other. Take notice of your sexual partner’s body language and if they seem tense or uncomfortable, pause and ask them how they’re feeling or tell them how you might be feeling too.

● It’s fine to slow things down or stop. There’s really no reason or rush to have sex or do
anything sexual if you’re not feeling it. It’s important that your partner always respects your feelings.

● Drink and drugs affect consent. If you’re intoxicated, your capacity to make decisions can be affected and your decision might be influenced by drugs and alcohol. This means that if you’re sexual in any way with someone who’s drunk or high and doesn’t know what’s going on and therefore can’t give informed consent, it’s equivalent to sexually assaulting or raping them.

Feeling respected and safe across all aspects of your life is so important to your mental health and wellbeing.

You might like to connect with other people who have gone through similar experiences to you in ReachOut’s Online Community. It is a safe space for young people that is anonymous and available 24/7. You can also check out ReachOut.com for more information and resources.

Complete Article HERE!

Advice I Wish I Did Not Have to Offer

An anonymous professor shares guidance on what to do for yourself if your child or another person close to you is sexually assaulted.

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By Dr. Anonymous

March 2020 was an awful month. In most places, it was the beginning of lockdowns in response to COVID-19. For me, it was also when my 17-year-old daughter told me she had been raped. As a gender, women’s and sexuality studies (GWSS) professor with years of experiences supporting my survivor students, I knew enough to tread lightly. But she was my precious baby girl, not my student. So when she told me, my heart shattered into a million pieces and landed in the pit of my stomach.

I woke up every day, from then on, with the rape the first thing I thought of. I knew enough to be able to envision a scenario, even though she shared very few details. She didn’t show any significant signs of PTSD for a long time. She went to college during COVID, so everything was already sideways. The PTSD kicked in, however, soon after she left. Fast-forward several months, and after many sob-filled phone calls, she eventually agreed to let me find a therapist for her when she came home. I found a trauma-informed woman who was taking patients, and I spent a rushed summer next to my daughter on bathroom floors as the trauma wreaked havoc on her precious body. We tried everything from art to yoga to meds to diet. We celebrated if we went 24 hours without either of us crying. We laughed when we could, often at our own fragility.

Rape used to be something that hurt and enraged me in the abstract. Given that I am a GWSS professor who has taught about sexual assault, violence and rape—and cared for survivors for decades—I had much intellectual insight with which to watch her pain. Eventually I realized that as she got better, which she absolutely did, I got worse. I needed a trauma therapist because I was broken. I wasn’t “on the verge”; I was on the floor in a puddle of my daughter’s PTSD and my pain, experiencing secondary trauma.

I am proud of what I did for my daughter. I believe my efforts helped to get her into a place where, two years in, she is generally thriving and her PTSD is mostly managed, although the bouts of deep sorrow and anxiety continue to punctuate her (and thus my) life. But I’m not writing to offer advice about my daughter. Instead, I write this essay as a GWSS professor to other professors, especially those who find yourselves in contact with students who frequently disclose their own sexual assaults, or who have had the horrific experience of a child or another person close to you personally being sexually assaulted or raped. I want to share some suggestions on what to do for yourself.

  • Know it wasn’t your fault. Sadly, rape culture is so pervasive that even GWSS professors who teach about it will often blame ourselves for our loved one’s rape. If you are a feminist like me, you started talking to your daughter quite young about slut shaming and all of the double standards for boys and girls in school. Your daughter has heard your rants. If you are like me, then, you may have thought she was raped because she respected your opinions so much that she was sexually liberated and that led her to the rapist. It took me talking to a therapist to be able to articulate she was raped by a boy/man who abused his power and disregarded her wishes, not because of my parenting.
  • Look into paid time off through sick leave. I didn’t know that I could be granted a sick leave. My doctor submitted a form that verified I could not work due to clinical depression and anxiety brought on by daughter’s sexual assault. This made me eligible for paid leave for the semester. I only learned of that option because a staffer had seen me crumbling and told me to look into it. No doubt, different campuses and people’s individual job statuses will allow for different accommodations. For the sake of anonymity, I cannot disclose more, but some options are federally guaranteed, some are provided through union membership and perhaps others your HR office can share with you.
  • Reach out for support. Find the right friends and colleagues to tell, with your daughter’s permission. Sadly, it’s possible they will be able to relate to your experience more than you expect.
  • Get a good, trauma-informed therapist. It took me at least three months to find a therapist who had the credentials and expertise I was looking for and who was taking new patients. Cognitive processing therapy is an amazing approach. You can get a sense of it from this podcast. Look for therapists who use it.
  • Establish boundaries with your students. One of the things that terrified me the most about going back to in-person classes was the unending flow of disclosures of sexual assault that GWSS professors get, compounded by basic emotional labor that women and/or minoritized faculty already do. I am working with my campus’s victim advocate on language that lets students know I hear them but I can’t be their entire support system.
  • Talk to your sons. Our high school and college boys need to be the ones to stop each other from assaulting their peers. I have spoken often with my son about consent and sexual assault and other key issues. It’s not enough, as I have written elsewhere, to say or know that “my son would never do that.” You need to talk to your son about preventing other boys from “doing that.” Don’t let him slut shame the girls or stay silent when he inevitably hears people slut shaming. Talk until he’s annoyed and rolls his eyes at you. And if you have Netflix, have him watch Sex Education.
  • Self-care. I wish I had a better word, because I really am over “self-care,” as the concept has been so commodified and feels so elite. But in addition to the big-picture stuff I have already suggested, carve out time every day to do something that you find mentally and emotionally nourishing. As professors, we’ve learned early how to cherish our regular writing time. Well, as Janet Alexander and Beth Kelch remind us, we must do the same with self-care. Block out 30 minutes (at least) on your calendar every day and use it for just for you.

Navigating my daughter’s rape is the hardest thing I have ever done from all perspectives—as a mother, wife, professor, daughter and person who needs to take care of herself. For those of you in similar situations, I hope this piece gives you a glimmer of stability and hope.

How to get consent for sex

(and no, it doesn’t have to spoil the mood)

By and

New South Wales and Victoria are set to introduce a suite of reforms to sexual offences legislation which set a new standard for sexual consent. Both states will implement an affirmative model of consent.

Affirmative consent is based on the idea that someone who is consenting to sex will actively express this through their words and actions – it’s the presence of an “enthusiastic yes”, rather than the absence of a “no”.

So what’s changing, and what does that mean for how we negotiate sex?

By law, you will need to actively seek consent

The Victorian and NSW reforms place a higher onus on the accused.

Current legislation stipulates that while any steps taken by the accused to ascertain consent should be taken into account in determining whether their belief in consent was “reasonable”, they are not required to have actively sought consent. This means an accused person could argue they had “belief” in consent, without actually taking any action to confirm this belief.

Under the new model, if an accused did not take steps to ascertain consent, their belief in consent is considered to be unreasonable. Silence or a lack of resistance cannot indicate consent.

If an accused wanted to mount a defence that they held a “reasonable belief” in the other person’s consent, they would have to demonstrate what steps or actions they took to make sure the other person was consenting.

It is hoped this will lead to an emphasis on the actions of the accused, rather than scrutinising the complainant’s behaviour. These are important improvements in the way the legal system responds to sexual assault.

No, it doesn’t mean signing a consent form

Affirmative consent means all partners should consciously and voluntarily agree to participate in sexual activity.

Responsibility for consent should be mutual, meaning all parties involved need to ensure they have obtained consent.

Affirmative consent can also be withdrawn at any time – it’s an ongoing process, not a one off “yes” at the start of an encounter.

Some people suggest affirmative consent makes sex “awkward” or “formulaic”. We’re often asked if this means we need to have our partners sign a consent form at the beginning of an encounter.

Others say having to constantly “check in” with a partner can spoil the mood or remove the spontaneity of sex.

As New Zealand comedy Flight of the Conchords reminded us, ‘a kiss is not a contract’.

Not only does an affirmative model help to ensure your partner is actively consenting to sex, it can also help enhance pleasure and fun.

So how do you actually get consent?

Here are some ways you might approach consent under an affirmative model:

Ask your partner how they like to be touched, or what they would like to do. Questions like “how does that feel” or “would you like it if I did XXX” can help ascertain consent but also ensure sex is pleasurable!

Some companies have produced cards to help facilitate this conversation with a partner. Kink communities, such as BDSM groups, often have well-established protocols for talking about consent, and there’s arguably much we could learn from them.

Pay attention to all of the cues and forms of communication a partner is using. This includes what they say, but also their body language, gestures, noises, and emotional expression.

Gay couple cuddle in bed.

If a partner is passive, silent, crying, or looking upset, these are all red flags that they are not consenting. If there’s any doubt about whether your partner/s are into what’s happening, stop and check in with them again.

If you’re still unsure, it’s best to end the encounter.

Is the other person intoxicated or drug affected? If so, they might not legally be able to consent to sex. While some people do use alcohol or other drugs to enhance sexual pleasure (for example, in Chemsex), this is something that needs to be carefully negotiated.

Again, if in any doubt, it’s always best to stop.

Consider the context, and the nature of the relationship between yourself and your partner/s. For example, are you in a position of power over the other person/people? This could be on account of your age, gender, employment status and so on.

If the answer is “yes”, exercise caution. Is it possible the other person could feel pressured or unable to say no to you?

Two young people without shoes sit on a tiled floow.
If there’s any doubt about consent, stop and check in with your partner.

While research suggests non-verbal communication is the most common way people communicate consent, people can misinterpret non-verbal cues. So it’s best not to rely on reading non-verbal cues alone.

Try using verbal consent as well (or the use of sign language or written communication for people who are non-verbal). This doesn’t have to be awkward, or contractual, and consent can be communicated through dirty talk.

Asking a partner what they like also allows you to learn about their body and what feels good, rather than just guessing what they might find pleasurable.

Beyond affirmative consent

While affirmative consent certainly provides a better framework for sexual communication than just waiting for someone to say “no” (or simply assuming the other person consents), it also has limitations.

People may still affirmatively consent to sex they do not want for various reasons. Consenting to sex may be the safer option in an abusive relationship, for example. People also often engage in sex due to peer pressure or because they feel it is their duty as a partner.

Our sexual scripts and dominant gender norms can also make it difficult to enact affirmative consent in practice.

Young women, for example, are often socialised to be polite, compliant, and pleasing to others. Sexual double standards presenting women as “sluts” or “whores” for actively engaging in and enjoying sex persist. As a result, it can be difficult for some women to openly express their sexual wants and desires.

Woman sits on the end of a bed.
Some people are less able to say no.

Affirmative consent is less able to take into account the broader structural and social factors that make saying “yes” or “no” difficult, or that mean we sometimes “consent” to unwanted sex.

While affirmative consent is vital, you might also want to think about how you can ensure your partners feel comfortable and safe to express their needs, desires, and what feels good.

You also want to make sure they feel comfortable to say “no” at any time without any ramifications.

Complete Article HERE!

How to Know If You’re In a Toxic Relationship

The signs you’re in a toxic relationship can be difficult to identify — here’s how.

By Maria del Russo

Any relationship, be it romantic or otherwise, can be complicated. Whether it’s the relationship you have with your pushy mother-in-law, a childhood friend, or a spouse, interpersonal connections can be as challenging as they are rewarding. But a toxic relationship — one that is emotionally, and in extreme cases, physically damaging — is not complicated: it’s abusive. And learning the signs of a toxic relationship can help ensure that your relationships are healthy, sustainable, and mutually beneficial.

“A toxic relationship includes many factors,” Dr. Pavini Moray, a sex educator and founder of Wellcelium, a sex and intimacy school, tells Woman’s Day. “The main gauge, though, is how you feel the majority of the time.” If, for the most part, you feel supported, loved, and generally happy, an occasional spat or heated disagreement doesn’t mean you’re necessarily in a toxic relationship. “Toxic relationships detract from the quality of your life, rather than add to it,” Moray says. And while that could mean different things to different people and depending on their unique relationship, there are certain red flags everyone should look out for.

If you identify with any of the below, it could point to some toxicity in your relationship. But Moray says that all is not lost should you find yourself in this situation. “There is no cookie-cutter answer,” Moray explains. “Some couples can get support, can really get into the work of relational repair, and pull through.” So don’t let the below list scare you. See it more as step one in your healing — whether it’s with your partner, a friend, a parent, or on your own.

An absence of mutual care and support.

While it’s unrealistic to expect to feel happy every second of your relationship, the contentment, support, and shared joy should be more prevalent than not. “You may experience a dullness or a lack of pleasurable sensation when in a toxic relationship,” Moray says. “You may also feel afraid or unworthy, especially if your partner speaks in a derogatory, critical, or consistently blaming manner.” One of the reasons why people enter relationships is to meet their need for belonging, safety, and connection, and that need should be met on a consistent basis. “A relationship that is without the positive benefits of a quality connection like care and joy alongside negative impact means the costs of the relationship are outweighing the benefits,” Moray says. “Your needs are not being met.”

An ongoing lack of effective communication.

Learning how to effectively communicate with the people in your life can be challenging, to be sure. And every once in a while, you’ll have a day where every little thing your partner, parent, or friend says sends you into a rage. But if you’re finding you can’t talk to your loved ones without arguing, it might point to a deeper issue. “If you or your partner is feeling rageful or belittled much of the time, something is wrong,” Moray says. “While conflict is a natural part of relationships, the way you do conflict matters a lot.” The key is to be able to work through difficult subjects without lashing out at one another. If that seems to be lacking, your relationship may not be thriving.

There’s relationship imbalance.

In a healthy relationship, there is a balance of support. Sometimes you have to support your partner, and other times they need to support you. If that balance is out of whack, though, Moray says something more seriously could be up. “Both of you need to feel your needs are important to the relationship, and that you are on the same team,” Moray explains. “If you find you are consistently giving in to your partner’s desires, eventually the imbalance will result in resentment from the partner who is over-giving.” Balance in a relationship doesn’t just apply to big, potentially life-changing decisions, like where you’ll live or whether you’ll have children. It applies to smaller, daily decisions too, like if your partner always chooses the restaurant or whose family you visit for the holidays.

There’s a lack of mutual consent.

While the other signs that have been previously discussed can be chalked up to lack of respect, Moray classifies how consent is or isn’t happening in your connection as a form of abuse. If you’re doing things you really don’t want to do, or are coerced to go beyond your own boundaries — whether they are financial, physical, sexual, or emotional — it’s a sure-fire sign of toxicity. “Healthy relationships are based on a foundation of consent,” Moray says. “Everyone in the relationship agrees to be in the relationship. If you ever feel like you cannot leave the relationship, for any reason, it’s a good idea to consider whether this relationship is in your best interest.”

Complete Article HERE!

How do young men navigate consent in a post Me Too world?

Young men are keen to talk about consent. So say sex educators, who are helping them move the conversation beyond ‘no means no’

 

by Franki Cookney

In a small classroom tucked away up a few flights of stone steps, two dozen young men are reflecting on their chat-up lines. “Sometimes I’ve gone in and told a girl she was hot and maybe I shouldn’t have,” admits one. “I might think differently now.”

The desks have been pushed back against the wood-panelled walls and the lads are sitting around in their sportswear, discussing “rugby culture”. In half an hour they’ll be out in the chilly February night, training with Cambridge University’s under-20s team. But right now, they’re crammed into what is becoming an increasingly stuffy classroom to attend a workshop on masculinity.

The session is run by Good Lad Initiative (GLI), an organisation which delivers volunteer-led workshops in schools and universities on everything from male mental health, to LGBTQ+ identity, sex and consent.

No one in the room has actually used the word “consent”, but that’s what they’re talking about. And recognising that innocuous-seeming compliments can make women feel uncomfortable is the first step towards a more nuanced understanding of it.

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Facilitator Jolyon Martin, 27, first attended a GLI workshop himself four years ago when he was still a student. “People often do these things for social capital,” he says. “The workshop shows them that actually no one in the room is impressed by that behaviour.”

He’s noticed a move away from a “minimum standards” approach to consent – which focuses simply on what’s legal and what’s not – and towards a more holistic view. He also believes the freshers arriving at university have a better attitude than some of the older students.

“I’ve been in workshops where an older guy has said something and the 18-year-olds have called him out on it,” Martin says.

For Matt Whale, consent wasn’t something he gave much thought to as a teenager. “In my head, saying ‘no’ was in response to a violent act by a stranger, or a random man being creepy,” the 24-year-old admits.

At 18 he moved to London to study and began to hear stories that undermined this view. Friends told him about being sexually assaulted on dates. Others talked of the pressure they felt to appease their partners. “The frequency of this has completely blown my mind,” he says.

These conversations are to empower young men to want more for themselves

Like most people his age, Whale’s school sex ed consisted of basic biology and an assertion that ‘no means no’. But as the Me Too movement and the recent conviction of disgraced Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein shows, consent is more complicated than that.

Very few young people are taught what it means when someone equivocates, changes their mind or doesn’t say anything at all. In 2018, Childlike reported a 29 per cent increase in teenagers seeking advice on peer-on-peer sexual abuse. The organisation noted that callers lacked understanding about consent and how it applied within relationships. Meanwhile, a 2019 survey of 5,649 university students by sexual health charity Brook found that 56 per cent had encountered unwelcome sexual behaviour.

But while many may appear fearful or defensive about their ignorance, few are apathetic. Contrary to the typecasting, boys and young men are keen to participate in conversations about consent.

For her recent book, Boys and Sex, journalist and author Peggy Orenstein spent two years interviewing young men in the US. She feels optimistic about their willingness to discuss consent. “I saw so much in them that was so interesting and valuable,” she said in an interview with Time magazine. “They were really ready and eager to engage in all of these issues.”

And me

Nathaniel Cole is a London-based writer, speaker and sex educator, who works with organisations such as Sexplain UK and GLI delivering workshops to children aged 8 to 18. He says the key to opening up consent conversations with young men is not by lecturing students, but by listening. “These conversations are not just to tell them what they’ve been doing wrong, but to try to empower them to want more from themselves,” he says.

This is what workshops like GLI’s aim to do. “Boys have been taught that to survive in the harsh world of dating you need to learn some tricks,” explains director of GLI, Dan Guinness. “We want to open up space that people can say these things, then discuss what that would feel like for the other person. It’s about trying to shift the perspective.”

The students attending today’s workshop seem confident and engaged, but you might expect that from Cambridge undergraduates. However, youth worker Glen Wiseman, who delivers sex education in state secondary schools, says teens are just as eager to talk.

“They’re desperate to have these conversations,” he says. “Whenever they’re asked what they’d like to cover next, they always say they want the sexual health or relationship sessions.”

Wiseman is part of Bracknell Forest local authority’s sexual health team in Berkshire. As well as facilitating discussions and offering advice, they give out free condoms, offer pregnancy tests and STI screening, and prescribe contraception.

The team runs 300 sessions a year and in 2019 saw 5,000 teenagers come through their doors. “We’ve moved on from the basic consent stuff,” Wiseman says. “We talk about accessing pleasure and communicating how you want it to be.”

Historically, relationships and sex education (RSE) in British schools has focused on the mechanics of sex and on contraception. The 1999 Teenage Pregnancy Strategy brought government funding into areas like Bracknell Forest, which had one of the highest teenage pregnancy rates in the country at the time.

Justin Hancock remembers the initiative well. He has worked with young people for more than 20 years, first as a youth and social worker and then as a dedicated sex educator. Boys’ desire to talk about consent isn’t new, he says; but society’s realisation that those conversations matter is.

“Young men have always been fascinated about consent and wanted to talk about what it is that they’re supposed to be doing,” he says. “They’ve always been very aware that, generally speaking, they will have the most power in a sexual situation, and they want to make sense of it.”

As the 10-year strategy came to an end, for a lot of places the money dried up. Further cuts to local governments caused RSE to drop down the list of priorities. Continued financial support to his area allowed Wiseman and his colleagues to adapt their clinics and workshops in line with shifting attitudes and priorities, but many schools do not have that luxury.

Young men have always been fascinated about consent

From September 2020, RSE will become statutory in all secondary schools in England. The curriculum guidelines mention consent, but how these lessons will be taught depends on the available resources. “Schools either don’t have enough money or they’re not allocating enough money towards RSE,” says Hancock. “They’re not sending their staff on training because they can’t afford to pay for cover staff. And they can’t afford to pay for external workshops.”

Talking the talk

Harvey Weinstein was sentenced in March to 23 years in prison, after being found guilty of a criminal sexual assault in the first degree and third-degree rape. During the trial his defence lawyer, Donna Rotunno, told the New York Times’ The Daily podcast that, if she were a man, she would ask women to sign consent forms before sex.

Both the high-profile trial and Rotunno’s controversial words – which outraged many – have helped to keep the topic of consent firmly in the public sphere. Generation Z boys and young men, growing up with access to a wealth of information and ideas on social media, are switched on to that.

Whale says he’s never had a conversation with a group of male friends about consent, but tells me about an Instagram account he follows which has helped his understanding. Everyone interviewed for this piece agreed the Me Too movement had made a huge impression, raising awareness of consent among teenage boys, but not always in the way you might expect.

“Me Too has also had a negative effect in that boys are starting to question it and ask if it can be true,” explains Cole.

Guinness agrees: “People get defensive. It’s that idea of, ‘You can’t do anything anymore,’ or, ‘You put your arm around someone and you go to jail’.”

The key, Cole says, is to try to meet their challenges with compassion. In his 2019 talk for TedxLondon, he explained that allowing boys to talk about their fears and frustrations was a crucial part of consent education.

According to Cole, society is finally cottoning on to how valuable education around consent can be; and where schools have brought it in, they’ve seen good results. “More talks and workshops are being booked proactively,” he says. “Rather than waiting for boys to go down a certain path, they want to have the conversation now.”

Complete Article HERE!

Sexual assault is a consequence of how society is organized

By Jennifer Hirsch and Shamus Khan

The Department of Education is about to release new rules about how schools must deal with sexual harassment, stalking, and sexual assault. There’s a lot that’s disastrous about this interpretation of Title IX, which is supposed to promote equal access to education for women.

But what’s largely missing from both the rules and the flood of public criticism they are generating is a discussion about prevention. This is typical of the national discourse about sexual assault on campus and beyond, and of the broader conversations in this era of #MeToo. The singular focus on adjudication reflects two assumptions.

The first is that victims frequently fabricate claims of sexual assault; all the evidence suggests that false accusations are rare. The second is that sexual assaults happen because of “bad” or “sociopathic” people. The only way to deal with them is through punishment harsh enough to strike sufficient fear into those who commit or want to commit assaults.

But what if the most sexual assaults were “normal”? Not in the sense that it’s acceptable, but in the sense that it’s often something that everyday people do—  a predictable, if awful, a consequence of how society is organized. In doing the research for our book, Sexual Citizens, that’s exactly what we found. And there’s an important consequence to this finding: we’re not going to punish our way out of these normal assaults.

Because those who commit normal assaults often don’t think they’re committing assaults, they believe they are having sex. When a student we interviewed for our research with undergraduates at Columbia and Barnard told us “I put on a tie. So I knew I was going to have sex”, he meant that, for him, agreeing to go to a sorority formal with a woman who invited him came with an obligation to have sex her. He described doing while she was blackout drunk; he never reflected any awareness that he’d raped her.

Acknowledging that sexual assault is often socially produced, rather than solely the result of individual moral failings, expands our vision of what to do about sexual assault: rather than responding to sociopaths’ evil acts, the goal also becomes to prevent those harms from ever being committed.

We’ve been successful using this approach to address other social problems. Think about drunk driving. Since 1982, there’s been a 50 percent reduction in drunk driving fatalities. Among those under 21, fatalities have reduced by 80 percent. This tremendous success reflects what public health calls a ‘multi-level’ response, with efforts that include but go far beyond trying to change the behavior of the individual causing the harm.

Drunk drivers are held responsible, but so are the bar and restaurant owners who over-serve them. Road design has smoothed dangerous curves and urban planners have added speed bumps to slow traffic, complemented by safer cars, drivers’ education, points on licenses for repeated infractions, and increased enforcement during periods of greatest risk. The power of moral persuasion has made it socially unacceptable to drive drunk or to allow others to do so and has normalized the idea of a designated driver.

We need a prevention approach for a sexual assault that parallels the success in addressing “drunk driving”. We still must address the harm done by those who commit assaults. But punishment would not be enough, both because it doesn’t necessarily address harm and because it’s relatively ineffective at prevention. A new approach must be built upon the realization that far more progress will be made through things like education, transforming the physical environment, and drawing upon our moral institutions and commitments. The steps are many, but they are also fairly clear.

The adults at home need to be partners in sexual assault prevention — which means raising children who have the skills to have sex with other people without assaulting them. This is consistent with a central task of parenting: helping children develop the social and emotional skills to manage their bodies so that they can go about their lives without hurting others. When they want something, we say, “don’t grab — use your words.” We teach them not to hit and to apologize if they step on someone else’s foot. We make sure that they know how to drive before we let them borrow the car. Yet our silences around sex have meant these lessons haven’t been extended and applied to young people’s intimate lives, with disastrous consequences.

Parents may object that talking about sex is awkward, or that it’s the children themselves who shut down the conversations. But many parents are frequently the source of much discomfort.

When they choose words like “hoo-hoo” or “pee-pee” instead of vulva and penis, they are communicating that some body parts are unspeakably shameful. Children learn very early that sex is not something they can talk about, especially with their families.

The solution isn’t only to start naming body parts. Nor is it to make the discussion technical, talking with young people about fallopian tubes — that’s like teaching driving by explaining how spark plugs work. 

What young people need is a moral education: to hear from us that we want them to be fully formed sexual citizens, with the right to say yes and to say no to sex, and that they must always respect that those they’re with have the same rights. Adults have a choice: to talk with young people about how sex and intimacy will be an essential part of their lives — how they connect a person they love—or to let their values be shaped by a cacophony of messages from pornography, advertising, and mass media.

Families can’t do this work alone. Children fortunate enough to have the adults in their life help them develop a sense of sexual citizenship will nonetheless go out into a world in which they will be surrounded by others who have grown up in sexual silence and shame. That’s why comprehensive sex education is so essential.

Research suggests that sex ed can reduce the likelihood of perpetrating sexual violence. An analysis of survey data from the Columbia and Barnard campuses showed that women college students who had had sex education that taught them to refuse sex they didn’t want were half as likely to be raped in college. That’s as strong a protective effect as the flu vaccine. At the population level, high immunization rates create “herd immunity.” Protecting everyone. Making sure that all American school-children receive comprehensive, age-appropriate, medically-accurate sex education will prevent a vast number of campus sexual assaults.

And yet the current American landscape for sex education is starkly unequal; young people who grow up poor or in rural areas are less likely to receive comprehensive, medically-accurate sex education. And as is true nationally, the LGBTQ students we talked with told us that the sex-ed they’d received in high school only addressed heterosexual experiences. They didn’t feel just underserved; they feel erased. That erasure is part of their well-documented greater vulnerability to being assaulted on campus.

Beyond parents and schools, faith communities have mainly figured in discussions about sexual violence as sites of perpetration. Those same institutions can and must do more than just prevent harm — they can join as allies in prevention. We have seen through the first-hand experience how powerful it can be for young people to engage in conversations about relationships and intimacy grounded in religious values with trusted adults other than their parents.

If the fundamental goal of religion is to provide a framework for people to figure out what it means to live a good life, then sex and intimacy must be part of that discovery. Prevention is everyone’s job. The character-development element of youth sporting can reinforce lessons of fundamental respect and decency. Musical education can reinforce lessons of listening to one another. Sexual education isn’t just about sex. It’s about connecting the experiences of what it means to be a good person to one’s intimate life.

Unquestionably, campus adjudication processes should be fair to all involved and not cause more harm. But research conducted on our campus showed that only a minute proportion of all assaults are formally reported; that’s typical of many institutions. Getting adjudication right will barely move the needle on reducing sexual assault. We can’t spend most of our energy reacting to assaults that have already happened.

There are small clear steps we can take to make assaults less likely to happen in the first place. We need to talk about sex. We need to ground that discussion in moral visions of how we must treat one another. And we need to provide comprehensive age-appropriate sexuality education for young people. The path to prevention is clear. We simply all need to walk along with it together.

Complete Article HERE!

Seven factors that influence sexual consent

By Valeria Escobar

Through over 150 interviews spanning five years, two Columbia researchers have tried to “pull back the curtain” on the sex lives of Columbia undergraduates. As concerns around sexual assault have become a central part of the undergraduate student experience, during which as many as one in three women and almost one in six men will report being sexually assaulted, the researchers sought to find the factors of college living that enable these acts and the ways in which colleges can best prevent them in the future.

Last week, Jennifer Hirsch, professor of sociomedical sciences at the Mailman School of Public Health, and Shamus Khan, chair of the department of sociology, released the culmination of their work in their book, “Sexual Citizens: A Landmark Study of Sex, Power, and Assault on Campus.” Through their work, Hirsch and Khan argued for a need to reevaluate popular notions about consent to empower students to feel as though they have the right to choose their sexual experiences.

To begin their book launch, Hirsch and Khan participated in a panel at the Forum on Columbia’s Manhattanville campus, where they discussed the scope of their project to an audience of hundreds of students and faculty.

“The thing that complicated consent for us was that people consented to sex that they didn’t want to have and people had sex that they wanted to have without ever consenting to that sex,” Khan said.

“Consent education thinks fundamentally not about the moment of transaction between two people in the presence of the ‘yes’ or the expression or affirmation, but tries to understand bringing that social world into that moment,” he added.

Hirsch and Khan’s publication follows the 2018 findings from the Sexual Health Initiative to Foster Transformation tam, which noted that race, gender, and class play significant roles in shaping students’ experiences with consent. In interviews with Spectator, students noted that these factors contribute to their complicated experience with consent, which the straightforward “yes means yes” model that is taught during the New Student Orientation Program fails to address.

At the panel, Hirsch and Khan highlighted among these factors the “Seven Dimensions of Consent”—““gendered heterosexual scripts,” “sexual citizenship,” “intersectionality,” “men’s fears,” “alcohol,” “peer groups,” and “spatial/temporal factors”—as wrinkles that have yet to be ironed out by the affirmative consent model.

Gendered Heterosexual Scripts:

In heterosexual sexual encounters, the male-identifying partner is traditionally expected to ask for consent, affirming the idea that masculinity is associated with “unceasing sexual desire.” According to their findings, this expectation has reinforced the expectation for men to ask for rather than provide consent, making it difficult for men to recognize their own experiences as nonconsensual.

The book recounts the story of Boutros, a pseudonym for a student, who was leaving a pub crawl in Edinburgh when a woman undressed and groped him, even after he repeatedly asked her to leave him alone. The account of the story became very muddled, the researchers wrote, as he hesitated over his words.

“Come on, a girl can’t really sexually assault a guy,” Boutros told the researchers, noting that he would never “sue her” or seek compensations. “Unless I get grievous bodily harm or come to serious financial detriment.”

Sexual Citizenship:

Personal experiences, including childhood, sexual education, and interactions with family and peers inform one’s right to determine one’s own sexual involvement, according to the researchers. Khan said that sexual citizenship is more than having the “right to say yes or no” due to differing conceptions of social responsibilities; rather, he emphasized, it entails engaging both partners’ personal desires.

Adele Chi, BC ’22, told Spectator in a 2018 interview that she received a comprehensive affirmative consent education at her private high school, which allowed her to feel more confident in making decisions about her personal experiences with sex and consent in college.

“When I walk into [a] frat house, I don’t think, ‘Oh, I am setting myself up automatically to enter into a sexual relationship.’ It is my own free will, and I am my own person. I don’t feel like women should feel like their bodies are entitled to other guys, even if [they] enter into an environment where it welcomes that sexual context to happen,” she said.

Intersectionality:

Factors such as differences in race and ethnicity, physical strength, social status, and age further complicate consent. These differences, which are indicative of social inequalities, contribute to a fear of physical intimacy, according to the researchers, who highlighted the importance of underscoring social inequalities that contribute to sexual assault.

“Sex is not a cognitive behavior, it’s not a health behavior, it’s a social behavior,” Hirsch said. “You can’t understand what people are trying to do when they are having sex without understanding the world [around them].”

Gender and race are both factors that affect people’s ability to contest or request sexual encounters. Additionally, Hirsch noted in the discussion that every single black woman who spoke to the researchers had experienced unwanted sexual contact.

“If you’re thinking of sexual assault prevention, you have to also think about racial justice,” she added.

Men’s Fears:

Men worry that there is a gap between actual consent practices and the legal standard that they were taught. While there is no evidence to suggest that false accusations are common, men still largely fear the possibility of being accused because they are usually responsible for obtaining consent.

The paper emphasizes the fear on the part of students of color, and particularly black men, who have an “intense awareness of racialized risk of sexual assault accusations.” Harvard Law School professor Jeannie Suk Gersen attributes this notion to the impact of “overcriminalization, mass incarceration, and law enforcement bias” that disproportionately penalizes racial minorities.

Alcohol:

During the panel discussion, Khan raised the question of why alcohol and sexual activity are so commonly paired; Hirsch noted that “people get drunk in order to have sex” to avoid the awkwardness that arises from social interactions that limit sexual opportunities. Their work notes that although one can’t give consent while intoxicated, drunk sex is a normalized part of the college experience.

“If you view sex as something that is so shameful or you’re so afraid of that you can’t do it until you get really drunk, we need to ask ourselves why is it the case that we are relating to sex in [through sex],” Khan said.

A number of high-profile cases of college sexual assault have recently involved intoxication, leading the two researchers to examine alcohol as an important component in the discussion of sexual assault prevention.

However, Khan also noted that many incidents of sexual assault occur when people are sober, so looking to alcohol as a major contributor of sexual assault “isn’t going to get us very close” to understanding the complexities of consent.

Peer Groups:

Students’ lives are centralized around peer communities that maintain an identity through group harmony and a collective reputation. As such, peer groups can facilitate sexual interactions that will benefit the standing of the group, the researchers emphasized. However, members of these groups may also downplay instances of assault so as not to cause a disruption in the community’s cohesion.

While the peer group benefits from a student’s decision to engage in a sexual encounter or avoid labeling an incident as “assault,” the student consequently sees their sexual partner only as a means of social leverage rather than as a result of personal desires.

“Part of the idea of sexual citizenship is not just if you have the right to say yes or say no but that you treat the other person that you’re active with like they’re a human being and not a sex toy,” Hirsch said.

Spatial/Temporal Factors:

The urban setting of Columbia causes a divergence from the quintessential New England college campus; space is limited, and the University is not the most prominent feature of its city. Space and time are noted as contributors to “implied” consent throughout their research; in certain “sexually charged” places and at certain times, such as party spaces and bars, sexual activity is an essential component of the experience for students.

Most recently, Columbia researchers at the Society for Applied Anthropology suggested that there are specific times within the calendar year, relationship stage, and span of the sexual interaction when a person establishes expectations for their partner and limits the ability to refuse consent. Students perceive an invitation to a fraternity formal, a long-term relationship, and an encounter organized through a dating app as temporal factors that indicate consent.

Complete Article HERE!

To stop sexual and domestic violence, start in the classroom

By and

As two prosecutors with decades of experience helping survivors of domestic and sexual violence in King County, we spend all day, every day responding to cases involving abuse. Over the last year, almost 5,000 survivors of sexual violence and their families sought help from the King County Sexual Assault Resource Center. In 2019, the King County Prosecutor filed more than 2,000 sexual and domestic violence cases, from homicides to rapes to aggravated assaults. We assisted on thousands more protection orders, worked to reduce firearm violence and helped children who were often the targets of abuse.

We want fewer victims to experience violence. This is why we support Senate Bill 5395 and its companion, House Bill 2184, which will provide comprehensive sexual health education for all Washington students. This proposal would help stop sexual and domestic violence by requiring public schools to include age-appropriate curriculum that develops healthy relationship behavior in students.

Legislation can be a powerful tool to reduce violence. Last year, laws redefined rape and removed the statute of limitations on many sex crimes, reducing the burden on victims and giving many of them the time needed to come forward and report crimes. Our community also passed domestic violence laws to keep victims safe and reduce firearm violence.

These are steps in the right direction. For true culture change to happen around sexual and domestic violence, proactive education and prevention also is needed. Too often, young people don’t know how to ask for and receive consent, or how to engage in healthy relationships. Access to this information is a critical part of the solution to end cycles of abuse, especially when the cycles are generational. It is particularly critical that young people receive reliable, accurate information in a digital age where harmful explicit materials are one click away.

Government already makes choices about what schools teach. Washington requires financial literacy because learning about “spending and saving” are important life skills. We agree: Students should know how to balance their checkbooks. Students should also know how to treat their partner with dignity and respect.

Any conversation about sex and relationships must begin with the basic concept of respect. This is the modern, evidence-based approach to sex education. Washington should follow the lead of dozens of other states including Missouri, Oklahoma, New Jersey, Oregon and California and promote education on healthy relationships, dating violence, consent and sexual assault.

For too long, Washington has had no law and no plan to support prevention. We are at an important moment: #MeToo; mass shootings by domestic batterers; sexual assault on college campuses; and domestic violence as the leading cause of violent crime. We cannot prosecute, shelter, or rehabilitate our way out of sexual and domestic violence. The classroom is a far better option for lasting, positive impact.

Positive change is already happening and needs more support. Coaches at schools deliver lessons on prevention through Team Up Washington. King County Sexual Assault Resource Center (KCSARC) prevention specialists now teach middle and high school students as part of health educator teams in Renton schools. Many school districts in King County rely on the evidence-based FLASH curriculum to impart these life skills. We see the positive impact these programs have on young people and on school culture. Toxic environments fade when replaced with more care, less violence and hope for the future. There is no shortage of proven, evidence-based programs to help prevent abuse in schools, on teams and in student relationships.

Let’s grow beyond a reactive strategy to stop sexual and domestic violence. It is time we confront, head on, the culture in our community that leads to violence. We stand with all of our community partners, including Harborview Abuse and Trauma Center, KCSARC and many domestic-violence agencies when we say we can and must do better for our children and reduce the number of future victims by making comprehensive sexual health education a priority for our schools.

Complete Article HERE!

In ‘Sexual Citizens,’ Students Open Up About Sex, Power And Assault On Campus

By

Sex, power and assault are at the heart of a new study that looks at what it is that makes college the perfect storm for misunderstandings around sexual encounters.

Beginning in 2015, Professors Jennifer Hirsch and Shamus Khan interviewed more than 150 Columbia and Barnard College undergrads to learn about their sex lives. What they wanted out of sex, how troubling encounters unfolded, and how layers of misunderstandings led to assault.

In their new book, Sexual Citizens, Hirsch and Khan make the case that prevention starts with education — and they offer new approaches for universities, parents and kids on how to tackle the problem and empower people to feel like they have the right to choose their sexual experiences.

Interview Highlights

On why the students opened up to them about sex

Hirsch: So the research that we did that we share in Sexual Citizens was part of a bigger project, The Sexual Health Initiative to Foster Transformation, which I co-directed with Claude Mellins. And so one of the ways that we worked with the students, we had a group of undergraduates who advised us and we also had a research team in the day-to-day data collection with students. And, so, some of the interviews I did, or Shamus did, but some of the interviews were done by this group of younger researchers. And we generally find in doing this kind of research that people are hungry to tell the stories of their lives.

Khan: I mean, we sent out this note as part of the broader project, just announcing the project. And students emailed back saying, I have a story to tell. And one of the things that we found was that people are often, you know, adults and young people’s lives are often producing so much silence around sex and sexuality that many of the young people we spoke to expressed it as a relief that someone finally sat down and listened to them about their sexual lives. …

Hirsch: There were so many of them that we had to hire another interviewer with experience in trauma-based research. I remember walking up Amsterdam after doing one of those interviews sobbing because the story [one woman] had told me about being assaulted and then trafficked was so intense. And yet she slung her backpack over her back and walked out of the interview room. I think, it seemed like she had a feeling of satisfaction that there was going to be somebody at the university who knew how she had suffered and was going to think about what that suffering would mean.

On consent and misinterpretation

Khan: So, so much of what we think about when we think about assault is predation, or sociopaths — that is people who are trying to assault someone. But what we found really frequently was that often people who assaulted others thought that they were having sex. They didn’t think that they were committing an assault. They didn’t think they were a predator. And, you know, we had one young man tell us a story, for example, and he said to us, I put on a tie so I knew I was going to have sex.

And, you know, he felt like she really liked him. She’d invited him to this formal and she had gotten very drunk. And he described to us her going in and out of consciousness as he, in his words, had sex with her. Thinking that’s what in some ways he was obligated to do. And in that context, you know, it has to do with … men who often think about their own needs and desires, but who also think about, you know, sex as something that they accomplish — and not really considering what the other person was thinking or what the other person’s [plan] might be in that moment.

On enormous neglect and lack of awareness

Hirsch: There’s neglect and there’s also, in many cases, a lack of awareness of their own power. In the book, we tell the story of a freshman Lucy being assaulted by a Scott. Obviously, all of these are pseudonyms. …Lucy was a freshman, it was orientation week. She met Scott in a bar. They stumbled back to the fraternity … he led her upstairs to his room, started to take off her pants. She said no. He said to her, it’s OK — but it wasn’t OK. He raped her. And in that moment, obviously, he’s a senior. She’s a freshman. So it’s not just gender that has power, it’s also age. It’s control over the space. It’s control over alcohol. So there’s so many forms of power that produce those experiences, those moments of vulnerability to assault. And the most charitable interpretation that we could give for Scott’s behavior is that he was unaware of how much power he exerted in that moment.

On describing assaults as assaults

Khan: There are lots of reasons why people don’t describe assaults as assaults. We need to remember that most people are assaulted by somebody they know, not by strangers. And given that, given that they know the person, given that they’ve often had some kind of sexual contact with them before, naming something an assault isn’t just describing what happened to you. It actually fundamentally transforms your relationship with that person — and often your relationships with your shared friends. It’s like saying, you know what, my boyfriend or my girlfriend is a sexual predator, is somebody who did something terrible to me. And many people don’t want to do that. They don’t want to say that. …

We heard from many young women who told us that they were in a room with a man and they didn’t really want to be there anymore. And so they just performed oral sex on him to get out of there. And those young men didn’t force those women to have sex — but I think that they fundamentally didn’t realize what it was that the person they were with wanted to do.

We had other stories of a young woman who was asked to go out for a walk with her ex-boyfriend, who was very upset about the fact that his sister had just gotten a cancer diagnosis and she was thinking she was going to comfort a friend. And he ended up raping her up against a tree and dragging her to the ground. And she told us this story — chuckling, laughing about how she later found dirt on her body. And she didn’t describe this as a rape, but instead as a weird experience that she had. For these women, it’s not that they’re fundamentally denying the experience of their assault. It’s that they’re enmeshed in so many relationships that are important to them that they don’t want to call it what we see it as, which is assault.

On changing the conversation

Khan: We’re trying to change the conversation away from: Did it happen or didn’t it happen? Did she say no or did she not say no as vigorously? And instead to say: How do we prevent this in the first place? So, I think that adjudicating that situation with that woman in the room, with that young man, is nearly impossible. But I think what we outlined in Sexual Citizens is a way to make sure that that situation is less likely to happen in the first place.

On race

Hirsch: So, yes, I think that the stories that black men shared with us about an acutely racialized fear of false accusation drove home the way gender is not the only form of power that shapes experiences of assault or accusation. And, so, there was a sense of racialized precarity. Black men, students, that we spoke with felt like they were marginal on campus, didn’t fully belong. Were less secure. And so the way they navigated consent reflected not just gender, but also race in … a really painful way.

Khan: As Jennifer has said so many times, racial justice is fundamentally an issue of preventing sexual assault. We may not think about those two things together, but it’s really important that we do. In addition to black men, every single black woman that we spoke to told us a story of unwanted, sexualized touching — every single one. It was profoundly disturbing when we analyzed our data that that occurred to us. And this reflected the ways in which black women’s experiences in college was something where their bodies were seen as accessible, things that people could touch without consent in in ways that other students didn’t describe to us.

On LGBTQ rates of assault

Khan: I think there were a lot of reasons why LGBTQ students experienced assault at higher rates. One was that they didn’t accept as normal the kind of touching that happens at parties. So, you know, if you’re in a college basement, at a party rubbing up against each other and someone, you know, casually uses their hand and grabs your butt or something like that — a lot of LGBT students were like, this is not what I’m here for. I’m here for a different kind of experience. Whereas for heterosexual students, you know, there was sort of an understanding that this was part and parcel of being a college student. But there are other reasons why LGBT students also experienced assault at such high, high, high levels. And that’s because every single LGBTQ student that we talked to told us that they had sex ed that wasn’t at all relevant to their own sexual experiences, or sexual identities. And so, really, they just had to figure out sex on their own without any guidance from the communities and families that had raised them.

On solving the problem

Hirsch: Part of what solving the problem would look like is starting out when kids are young. Teaching them how to be respectful of other people’s bodies, right. It starts out in kindergarten. Sit criss-cross applesauce. Keep your hands on your own body. So those sort of early lessons in interpersonal respect, which are part of comprehensive sex education but are also part of just good education, are a fundamental first step.

Khan: And I think further steps are: comprehensive sex ed. You know, it wasn’t just LGBTQ students who described sex ed that really didn’t meet their needs. Most young people describe the sex ed that they received as a sexual-diseases course, or something that was incredibly fear-based. Here are the risks of pregnancy. Here are the risks of sexually transmitted infections. Here are the risks of sex — sex is something terrifying and really dangerous. And instead, we need to think about talking to young people about sex that’s something that will be really important in their lives. That’s going to be one of the ways in which they connect to some of those [that] are the most meaningful relationships that they’ll have. And to talk to young people about sex where they treat the other person that they’re having sex with as a human being — not just a toy that they’re going to be playing with. And if we don’t do that, what’s going to happen is that young people are going to learn about sex, but they’re going to learn about it from things like pornography.

On what parents can do

Hirsch: I think, as parents, we have a choice. We can have conversations with our children and, you know, the other children in our lives, about sex and values and how to treat people and what feels good. Or we can let our kids have their sexual values be formed by pornography and advertising.

Complete Article HERE!

Almost 10 million in U.S. have faced sexual violence at work

By Carolyn Crist

Almost 1 in 18 women and 1 in 40 men have experienced sexual harassment in and related to the workplace, according to a U.S. study.

That represents almost 7 million women and 3 million men who have reported assault, unwanted sexual contact or verbal harassment by a boss, supervisor, coworker, customer or client, the study authors report in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine.

“Sexual violence is a prevalent issue and is also preventable,” said Kathleen Basile of the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta, Georgia, the study’s lead author.

The term “sexual violence” is defined as unwanted penetration through the use of force, alcohol or drug facilitation; pressured or coerced sex; unwanted sexual contact, such as groping; unwanted experiences, such as exposure of sexual body parts and sexual remarks.

“Given the recent media attention to this issue and the re-emergence of the #metoo movement, the time seemed right to focus on it,” Basile told Reuters Health by email.

The researchers analyzed 2010-2012 data from the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey, which included about 23,000 women and 19,000 men. Basile’s team studied the prevalence of several types of sexual violence by a workplace-related perpetrator, including both authority figures and non-authority figures. They also looked at the numerous after-effects of these experiences, such as psychological problems, safety concerns and absence from work or school.

The study specifically focused on sexual violence by a workplace-related person but couldn’t determine whether the actions occurred at the workplace itself, the authors note.

(Reuters Health) – Almost 1 in 18 women and 1 in 40 men have experienced sexual harassment in and related to the workplace, according to a U.S. study.

That represents almost 7 million women and 3 million men who have reported assault, unwanted sexual contact or verbal harassment by a boss, supervisor, coworker, customer or client, the study authors report in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine.

“Sexual violence is a prevalent issue and is also preventable,” said Kathleen Basile of the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta, Georgia, the study’s lead author.

The term “sexual violence” is defined as unwanted penetration through the use of force, alcohol or drug facilitation; pressured or coerced sex; unwanted sexual contact, such as groping; unwanted experiences, such as exposure of sexual body parts and sexual remarks.

“Given the recent media attention to this issue and the re-emergence of the #metoo movement, the time seemed right to focus on it,” Basile told Reuters Health by email.

The researchers analyzed 2010-2012 data from the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey, which included about 23,000 women and 19,000 men. Basile’s team studied the prevalence of several types of sexual violence by a workplace-related perpetrator, including both authority figures and non-authority figures. They also looked at the numerous after-effects of these experiences, such as psychological problems, safety concerns and absence from work or school.

The study specifically focused on sexual violence by a workplace-related person but couldn’t determine whether the actions occurred at the workplace itself, the authors note.

The research team found that 5.6% of women and 2.5% of men reported some type of sexual violence by a workplace-related perpetrator. About 4% of women reported harassment by non-authority figures and 2% reported harassment by authority figures. About 2% of men reported harassment by non-authority figures and about 0.6% reported harassment by authority figures.

For women, the most commonly reported sexual act was unwanted sexual contact, and for men, it was unwanted sexual experiences such as sexual remarks.

About 1 million women, or 0.8%, have been raped by a coworker, who was more likely to be a non-authority figure. About 400,000 men, or 0.4%, have been sexually coerced by a coworker and 184,000 were forced to penetrate another person.

“The typical public perception of sexual violence in the workplace is that it is mostly verbal harassment or creating a hostile work environment,” Basile said. “Sexual violence involving physical contact, including forced penetration, while not the most common type, was still reported as having been committed.”

For both men and women, fear was the most commonly reported effect of sexual violence.

“Much of the perpetration is being done not by bosses, as is often the assumption, but from co-workers and, importantly, clients and customers,” said Adrienne O’Neil of Deakin University in Geelong, Australia, who wasn’t involved in the study.

“I hear this a lot from nurses, psychiatrists and emergency workers, where they’ve been made to feel that they are to put up with unwanted sexual advances and assault because their priority is to treat patients above all else,” she told Reuters Health by email. “We’ve known for a long time that these factors put you at risk of heart attack.”

Workplace-related sexual harassment also affects co-workers who witness the behavior, the victim’s loved ones and the victim’s children, said James Campbell Quick of the University of Texas at Arlington, who wasn’t involved in the study.

Company policies should include stricter enforcement around sexual harassment, he said, which includes providing high-risk employees with help before they act. Workplaces should “become obsessed with deviant behavior,” he added, and socialize everyone with proper training, starting with first-line supervisors.

“The greatest tragedy is that this is not a workplace accident,” Quick told Reuters Health by email. “It is a preventable form of malicious, motivated behavior. One act of sexual violence in the workplace raises the threat level for the entire workplace.”

Complete Article HERE!

Why Sexual Assault Survivors Of Color Need Their Own Spaces To Heal

By Kelly Gonsalves

For survivors of sexual trauma, finding healing is often an arduous process. And if you’re a person whose race, gender, or sexual orientation is already marginalized, trying to find support for healing as a survivor can be uniquely difficult.

“As I’ve been working in mental health, what kept coming up is what I call the lack of support for folks of color, especially femmes of color,” explains comprehensive sex educator and trauma specialist Jimanekia Eborn. “They are questioned more. They aren’t believed more. There’s a lack of resources.”

These unique challenges are why Eborn created Tending the Garden, a healing retreat specifically for femmes of color who’ve experienced sexual trauma. It’s designed to make space for survivors of color to work on their healing together in a space created specifically for them, led by people like them. All the retreat staff, educators, and therapists (who are affectionately named “hoes,” which is both a reference to the gardening tool and an acronym for “helping open every survivor,” like a flower) are femmes of color and survivors themselves. Among the instructors are award-winning yoga instructor Jessamyn Stanley and sexuality doula Ev’yan Whitney.

“[They have] different types of pronouns, they have different bodies, they have different types of racial and ethnic identities, and for me that was really important for people to show up and see others that look like them,” Eborn tells mbg.

The unique challenges of marginalized survivors.

Eborn has worked in mental health for over a decade, working as a counselor, case manager, and educator at trauma care centers and educational institutions. “What I have seen oftentimes in mental health facilities or other places I’ve been is that folks don’t necessarily understand the journey of a femme of color if they’re not a femme of color,” she says. “I’ve worked in mental health facilities where folks have left worse than when they showed up because of the lack of care, the lack of support, the lack of time given to them because they identify as a certain way or looked a certain way.”

(Throughout this piece, we use the word femme as intended by Eborn and her staff: Although the term originated within the lesbian community as a specific type of lesbian identity, today people of varying sexual orientations use the term to describe their gender, usually when they feel their gender identity or gender expression aligns with femininity in some way. “Simply put, femme is more inclusive,” the retreat website says of the word choice. “We are not the gatekeepers of language, and this retreat is open for anyone who has been affected because of their feminine aspects. Our facilitators and staff identify as women, transfemme, genderqueer, and nonbinary women.”)

Dealing with mental health care practitioners who don’t respect your identity or see your full identity can make working on your healing unnecessarily difficult and even be retraumatizing. Even among well-meaning practitioners, many people are not adequately trained on how to work with people of color and people in the LGBTQ+ community, such that these survivors need to spend time explaining themselves or educating the very person who’s supposed to be helping them heal.

For example, Eborn says Black women often face more resistance or simply receive less unequivocal support from their providers.

“I’ve found that there can be a lot of gaslighting and a lot of discounting,” she says. “Black women are perceived to be so strong, and I hear that a lot. Often I’ll look at myself and be like, ‘You’re so strong. You can do everything.’ So people don’t check in on them. People don’t check in on femmes of color because they’re so strong, and then when they do ask for help, people are all like ‘Well, how bad is it? Are you sure?’ And it takes away from the process. It takes away from the healing if they’re constantly being questioned instead of just being believed.”

Research has found the “strong black woman” stereotypes can have significant consequences for black women’s mental health, including higher likelihood of depression and a lower likelihood of seeking out help. A data analysis from the Georgetown Law Center on Poverty and Inequality also found people see young black girls as “less innocent and more adultlike than their white peers” and as being more sexual than young white girls; it also found people believe black girls need less nurturing, protection, comfort, and support. Even the Me Too movement, which was started by and for people of color, didn’t catch mainstream attention until white women started becoming involved with it.

When you add gender diversity on top of racial identity, things get all the more challenging. A lot of research suggests trans and nonbinary people of color experience uniquely high rates of sexual abuse. A 2015 report found half of black trans and nonbinary people have experienced sexual violence, and another half have experienced domestic violence. On top of their increased experiences of trauma, Eborn points out that these folks need to deal with mental health professionals who dismiss or question their gender constantly, which can create distract from the process or create an unwelcoming environment. Research shows one in four trans folks has avoided a doctor’s appointment for fear of being mistreated.

When you’re trying to work on something as sensitive as sexual trauma, these unnecessary obstacles can make an emotionally chaotic process feel downright unbearable. There’s so much value in just working with people who share your experiences and not needing to explain yourself when you are working through one of the most challenging and vulnerable healing processes imaginable.

It’s high time femmes of color had dedicated spaces created wholly for them, their healing, and their growth. Eborn hopes Tending the Garden can be one such space.

“What do you need, like for a garden, to make things grow? You need water. You need support. You need time. You need to seed it,” Eborn says. “That’s what I want these individuals to come to the retreat to learn how to do—to tend their own garden.”

The flowers in question, she says, refer to our emotional capacity, our sexual well-being, and being able to feel good within oneself. Survivors of color deserve their own spaces like this one to process their trauma, learn coping strategies and other helpful skills, and reconnect with their bodies and their sexuality. Eborn’s retreat has clearly been thoughtfully designed around exactly what trauma survivors need to actually heal, including on-site therapists they’ll have access to at any moment and an extensive aftercare program to ensure they’ll have ongoing support when they return home from the retreat (think access to free online therapy sessions, some take-home healing tools, and new toys for physical exploration).

“I wanted these individuals to take up their own space and not have to worry about anyone else taking up their space. I wanted them to have a space where they can exhale and not have to pick up anyone else’s nonsense,” Eborn says. “It will be a hard journey because you’re going to see things in yourself that maybe you have avoided. But I will say also, the other side of it is going to be beautiful.”

Complete Article HERE!