Category: Sex-Positive Therapist

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What to Know About Gender-Affirming Care

Gender-affirmation care refers to treatments, ranging from surgery to speech therapy, that support a transgender or nonbinary person in their gender transition.

Transgender people identify with a gender different from the one they were assigned at birth. Nonbinary people have gender identities that fall outside the categories of male and female.

Transition looks different for each person. But generally, the goal of gender-affirmation care, sometimes called gender-affirming care, is to help your outward traits match your gender identity.

Nonsurgical Treatments

Which gender affirmation therapies you choose will differ depending on your own goals. Some nonsurgical treatments you can get are:

Laser hair removal: A skin doctor (dermatologist) uses a low-energy laser on your hair follicles (the small holes in your skin from which hair grows). Hair won’t grow back once it’s removed this way. You may need a series of treatments, each lasting a few minutes to a few hours, depending on the size of the area being treated. Your doctor will probably ask you to stop any other hair removal methods 6 weeks before treatment starts.

Masculinizing hormone replacement therapy: In this treatment, a doctor gives hormone medications to lessen female traits and promote male ones. You may notice:

  • More muscle mass
  • More body and facial hair
  • Lower voice
  • Changes in how you sweat and smell
  • Changes in where fat collects in your body
  • Hairline recession or baldness
  • Higher sex drive
  • Growth of the clitoris
  • Vaginal dryness
  • You no longer have periods

Feminizing hormone therapy: This is where a doctor gives you hormone medications to lessen male physical characteristics and increase female ones. You may notice:

  • Breast growth
  • Changes in where fat collects in your body
  • Less muscle mass
  • Less body hair
  • Changes in how you sweat and how you smell
  • Changes in sex drive
  • Changes in penis function (less frequent or firm erections)
  • Lower sperm count
  • Less sexual fluid at orgasm
  • Smaller testicles

Speech therapy: A specially trained therapist can help you change aspects of how you speak to better conform with your gender identity. This might include changes in:

  • The pitch of your voice
  • How quickly you speak
  • How loudly you speak
  • The quality, or “resonance,” of your voice
  • Your inflection, or changes in pitch as you speak
  • How you pronounce words and phrases
  • How you take part in a conversation
  • How you communicate in nonverbal ways (such as body language and facial expressions)

Mental health care: You face many issues when you establish a new gender identity. Should you get sex-reassignment surgery? How do you prepare mentally for the change? How do you deal socially with the transition? What about family, friends, and support systems?

A mental health specialist can help you explore different approaches to your transition. It may help to find one who specializes in transgender care.

Surgical Treatments

Gender-affirming surgical treatments are divided broadly into 2 categories: male-to-female surgeries, and female-to-male procedures.

Common surgeries include:

  • Facial reconstruction surgery: This can make your face look more feminine or masculine. You might get injections to enhance your cheekbones or surgery to soften or sharpen your chin. The surgeon can also make changes to your nose or jawline.
  • Chest surgery: This is sometimes called “top” surgery. The surgeon may remove breast tissue for a flatter, more masculine chest. Or, they could enhance the shape and size of your breasts to make them look more feminine.
  • Genital surgery: Sometimes called “bottom” surgery, these procedures transform and rebuild your genitals to come as close as possible in appearance and function to those of your gender identity.
  • Hysterectomy: This involves removal of uterus and ovaries. You may be able to preserve eggs that you could use later to have children.

Recovery after gender-affirmation surgeries varies greatly, depending on your health and the type of procedure. Your doctor can tell you what to expect.

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Putting the Sexy in Safe Sex

Experts have long been calling for education programs to include the pleasures of sex. A new meta-analysis looks at the effects of doing so.

By Hannah Docter-Loeb

There’s a Crucial Component Missing From Most Sex Education Programs

“Don’t have sex, because you will get pregnant and die,” goes a famous line from the 2004 film Mean Girls. The scene is a send-up of abstinence-only sex education, the dominant form of sex ed in the U.S. In it, North Shore High’s Coach Carr encourages a gym full of teenagers to refrain from sex altogether. “Don’t have sex in the missionary position, don’t have sex standing up. Just don’t do it, promise?” he says, before offering the class a plastic bin full of “rubbers.”

In a recent episode of Netflix’s Sex Education, the vibe is quite different. “You shouldn’t be shamed for having sexual desires,” says Maeve Wiley, a character who co-runs a sex therapy clinic at her high school to help peers with their sexual frustrations and problems. “You make sex sound terrifying, but it doesn’t have to be,” she says to a school official trying to preach abstinence-based education. “It can be fun and beautiful and teach you things about yourself and your body.”

Sex Education has been applauded for its sex-positive attitude, especially because programs that teach safe sex, whether to tweens or to adults, still often take a more Coach Carr approach. It’s not always easy to get people on board with the idea that sex ed should teach that sex is fun. In Rhode Island, state Rep. Rebecca Kislak recently introduced legislation that would require sex education to “affirmatively recognize pleasure based sexual relations.” The proposal was met with criticism earlier this month from lawmakers, teachers, and parents. One parent called it “disgusting.” It would certainly represent a shift: “When it comes to sex, it’s been an almost exclusive focus on the dangers and the harms that can happen,” says Anne Philpott, director of the Pleasure Project, an international education and advocacy organization that “puts sexy into safer sex,” as she puts it, by promoting pleasure-based education.

Putting the sexy into safer sex isn’t just fun. Playing up the positives of sex, à la the characters on Sex Education, can actually make people more likely to take precautions against sexually transmitted infections. Philpott has data to prove it, presented in a study titled “Incorporating Sexual Pleasure in Educational Sexual Health Programs Can Improve Safe Sex Behaviors,” published Friday in the journal PLOS One. The study is a collaboration between Philpott and the Pleasure Project team, in conjunction with researchers at Oxford, the Case for Her, and the World Health Organization’s Department of Sexual and Reproductive Health and Research.

Philpott and her colleagues analyzed past studies that looked at pleasure-inclusive sexual health interventions around the world from 2005 to 2020. Pleasure-based sex education can take a number of forms, but at its core is devoted to normalizing sexual activity and teaching individuals that sex is supposed to (and should) be an enjoyable experience. “Programs that deal with pleasure are going to be more comprehensive and provide, in addition to conversations about pleasure, skills around communication, negotiation, and refusal,” Leslie Kantor, professor and chair of Rutgers’ Department of Urban-Global Public Health, explains.

Philpott’s team cast a wide net at first, screening thousands of experimental research studies on sexual and reproductive outcomes of sex intervention programs. “We then had to trawl through all of that and narrow it down to all the abstracts that were experimental trials and then look for any of those that were pleasure-inclusive,” as defined by the World Association for Sexual Health in its 2019 declaration. There weren’t many. Just 33 unique interventions fit the pleasure criteria and measured the impact on sexual health outcomes.

Out of the 33 interventions, the research team narrowed its focus to eight studies that reported condom use as an outcome. These studies tested the effectiveness of many different sexual interventions, from sex education in Brazil’s public schools to community-based HIV prevention workshops in Atlanta. After analyzing the data from all eight studies, the team found that pleasure-based programs had an overall moderate, positive, and significant effect on condom use—that is, the sex-haver was more likely to use one—in comparison to interventions that did not also teach about the role of pleasure in sex.

“This study helps support the idea that a focus on pleasure is correlated to sex that’s less risky,” says Rosara Torrisi, founding director of the Long Island Institute of Sex Therapy, who was not involved in the work. “Correlation doesn’t mean causation. But it’s a great place to start and keep exploring.”

The meta-analysis backs up what experts have long been arguing about pleasure-based education methods: that they can provide students with a feeling of autonomy around sex. According to CUNY Graduate Center’s Michelle Fine, who was one of the first to recognize the missing discourse way back in 1988, centering pleasure is “the portal to entitlement,” as it allows individuals to have control over their sexual decisions and sexual experiences. “It’s a way to envision how can I engage this sphere of social life in a way where I have a voice, I have opinions, I have choice, I can control, I can say yes, I can say no, I can say who,” she says. “If you don’t engage desire, all you’re left with is fear or victimization, and those are very vulnerable positions.”

When people feel comfortable discussing their wants, they are more likely to broach the topic of safety measures. Teaching people to articulate “what they’re interested in and whether or not they liked what’s happened previously, that’s pleasure-based and skill-based,” Torrisi says. It can open the door for people to have conversations with their partners “around how to actually have safer sex.”

Fine, who was also not involved in the study, pointed to the study’s sample diversity as an indication that pleasure is a broadly useful component of sex ed. Participants in the programs the researchers analyzed varied in age, nationality, and structural vulnerabilities they had experienced, she noted. “This heterogeneity adds to the robust findings that an incorporation of pleasure/design into sex education projects has positive effects on learning, attitude, and behaviors.”

>And Philpott hopes that her work will lead to more funding for pleasure-based education. “Not only does this mean we have more real conversations about sexual health and sex education, but it actually makes those interventions more effective and more cost-effective,” she explains. She hopes that an increased focus on pleasure-based interventions—the pleasure wave, as she calls it—will only get stronger. “For a long time we’ve been advocating for the why we need to do this, and now with the evidence, we need to move to the how, and get people to the next stage.”

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Where Sex Positivity Falls Short

Television wants to help us get better at talking about sex, but some of its recent offerings miss a crucial point.

By Sophie Gilbert

Since its debut in 2019, Sex Education, Netflix’s charming and filthy comedy about teenagers at a bucolic British high school, has been a jewel in a very mixed bag of streaming content. I’ve loved and appreciated its sweetness, its sex positivity, and its absurd dramatization of school as a place where everyone is willingly and creatively getting it on, no matter the real-world evidence to the contrary. In the show’s conceit, Otis (played by Asa Butterfield), the awkward, virginal son of a sex therapist (the regal Gillian Anderson), finds self-worth and—in the end—satisfaction by giving sex advice to his cluelessly horny peers, despite having no practical experience of his own to draw on. All sex problems, the show posits, are really just communication problems. Talking openly about things (the shape of vulvas, douching, intergalactic alien erotica) diminishes shame, which means no more dysfunction. Right?

In so many ways, Sex Education is a fantasy. It’s an oddly nostalgic, Frankensteinian fusion of ’80s American movieland and British humor, all wooded landscapes and mid-century furniture and regional slang. Of late, though, I’ve started to wonder whether the show’s cheerful raunch is obscuring something crucial. Midway through the recent third season, Olivia (Simone Ashley) reluctantly agrees to have sex with her boyfriend without a condom. (“You know it feels soooo much better. Please,” he whines.) Later, panicked that she might be pregnant, she visits a sexual-health clinic in town, where a nurse gently asks if her boyfriend is pressuring her to have unprotected sex, and how that makes her feel. “Like I can’t enjoy the sex, because I’m just scared of getting pregnant,” she replies. Soon we see Olivia walking out and telling her best friend, who’s waiting for her, that she knows her boyfriend’s a “dickhead” but she still loves him. To me, it felt like an oddly neat and evasive conclusion to a story line that had raised more questions than it answered. The intimation that people frequently cajole other people into doing things that they’re not comfortable with seems to jibe awkwardly with the show’s generally breezy approach to sexuality. Rather than trying to meaningfully define the nebulous edges of consent, Sex Education changes the subject.

The scene reminded me that the fantastical nature of the series extends beyond its verdant, anachronistic setting. The catch of a faultlessly sex-positive universe in which everyone’s up for everything is that there isn’t much space to explore what happens when they’re not. The show doesn’t just put forth an unhelpfully idealized portrayal of what sex is like for teenagers. (In a recent study of male university students in the United Kingdom, more than 10 percent admitted to committing acts of sexual assault, rape, or coercion in the past two years.) In light of series such as I May Destroy You, Michaela Coel’s intricate, confrontational consideration of assault and consent, a show like Sex Education also feels more limited and confining.

Still, it’s only one in a spate of recent Netflix shows hoping to—if you’ll pardon the double entendre—fill the gaps in our sexual savoir faire. The streamer just released Sex: Unzipped, an hour-long special hosted by the rapper Saweetie that’s a kind of comical revue of modern sexual mores, loosely pegged to what the host dubs a post-pandemic “sex drought.” (“Without sex, Netflix and chill would just be watching a whole-ass movie with someone and not getting it in. Ewwww.”) Its premise, which might feel familiar by now, is that sex of all stripes is great, shaming is bad, and subjects such as coercion, consent, and even plain old discomfort aren’t up for debate at this time. The closest Sex: Unzipped comes to engaging with unequal power dynamics in bed is when the drag queen Trixie Mattel asks a puppet version of the sex educator Dr. Ruth how to make sure she’s treating sex workers ethically and Puppet Dr. Ruth quips back, “Pay double.”

Because of sex positivity’s well-intended focus on embracing openness and negating shame, it can exclude nuance, and sidestep the murkier questions of power and intimacy and trust and trauma that people inevitably bring with them into any sexualized situation. It’s easier for popular culture to present sex as a comedic smorgasbord of erotic experiences, outlandish and heartburn-inducing, than it is to wade into the realm of the unpleasant or regrettable. (That is, unless TV is presenting graphic scenes of sexual violence for arbitrary or titillating reasons.) For six seasons on Sex and the City, Carrie Bradshaw and her friends prattled about anal sex and porn addiction and depressed vaginas, but rarely did they talk about consent, or how to safely remove yourself from a situation that isn’t what you thought it would be. In embracing openness but not complication, Sex Education and Sex: Unzipped follow the same model.

We don’t, at this point in time, need TV shows to do PR for sex. We do need them to challenge and enrich how we think about it. Sweeping in to the rescue, oddly, comes the person I least expected to be helpful—a woman whose history of selling vagina-scented candles and jade eggs belies the fact that she’s made one of the most counterintuitive and empathetic analyses of sex on TV.

I started watching Sex, Love & Goop limbered up for new feats of eye-rolling. And at first, I got what I was prepared for: Gwyneth Paltrow in a sleeveless gray turtleneck made (one imagines) out of Tibetan-antelope hair; the introduction of “somatic sexologists,” who take a hands-on approach to sexual dysfunction; a wok cleaner repurposed as a sex toy; the breathy teasing of cutting-edge techniques that can “optimize our lives.” But somewhere amid a discussion of the “erotic blueprints” that define how individual people relate to sex, I realized I was riveted. The series wasn’t just examining the kinds of sex lives rarely considered in mainstream culture: lesbian couples, parents, people in their 60s. In acknowledging what a fundamental force expressions of desire can be in people’s lives (a means of “self-realization,” “a pathway for healing,” and everything in between), Sex, Love & Goop seems intent on redefining what people think of as sex altogether. But being a true cheerleader for pleasure also means acknowledging and confronting all the things that might be getting in the way of it.

Over six episodes, the show places five couples whose sexual and romantic lives have plateaued with different therapists who help them try to work out their issues. Some critics have objected to the fact that the series includes only people in long-term, monogamous relationships, but I found this decision revealing—if people can’t communicate openly with their most intimate partner, how are they supposed to do it with strangers? As the couples worked with their therapist, nuggets of information began to emerge: Erika, in a relationship with Damon, struggles to achieve orgasm; Shandra and Camille contend with entrenched shame and guilt about their sexuality and their bodies; Felicitas, the mother of two children with Rama, can’t get past thinking about sex as one more obligation in a day loaded with them. “Once you have a child to take care of, your capacity and willingness to take care of someone else who’s an adult diminishes,” she says. “I’m giving so much of myself, of my body. I do not need any more neediness from anybody.”

What becomes clear as the show continues, though, is how little the people participating know about themselves, and how conditioned they’ve been to avoid intimacy rather than be truly vulnerable. “Your intimate relationship is a meditation in everything that’s wrong with you,” Paltrow quotes one of her past therapists saying in the first episode, not in judgment but to say that our sex lives are usually a symptom or an expression of other parts of our psyches. Damon has understood his whole life that sex is a particular physical act, but when he works with a therapist to explore other kinds of touch, the sensation is so profound that he weeps. Erika realizes in one scene that she’s unwittingly prepared herself for pain before sex, which blocks her from fully experiencing pleasure. “I just realized I’ve been bracing for a long time,” she says, also in tears. “That’s a lot to think about.”

In the fifth episode, Sera and Dash, a couple whose problems aren’t sexual so much as emotional (both have a history of fleeing from relationships), undergo a treatment called family-constellation therapy to dig into their hang-ups. The scene is perhaps the most quintessentially Goopy of the series: A group of constellation-therapy practitioners meets outside, wrapped in folksy blankets, and absorbs the “energy” of the couple in order to channel and perform as their ancestors. “We get an imprint from how we were first loved. Then you are either going to rebel against that or want that,” a relationship expert explains to Paltrow. “In family-constellation work, you get to see it.” The moment wasn’t entirely convincing for me—some of the practitioners were more consciously performing than others—but the revelations about family members who’d deterred themselves from loving others as a kind of self-preservation felt almost universally applicable all the same. To be alive is to be exposed to hurt. But with sex, love, and intimacy, the series argues, invulnerability can be its own kind of psychic wound.

One of the strongest scenes in Sex Education comes midway through the third season, when Maeve (Emma Mackey) kisses Isaac (George Robinson), a neighbor of hers who uses a wheelchair because of a spinal injury. The moment is extraordinarily tender, as the pair continually discuss what they’re doing and negotiate ways to give each other pleasure. “I can’t feel anything below my level of injury,” Isaac tells Maeve. “If you put your hand on my chest, I’ll show you.” They briefly discuss the mechanics of intercourse, but Isaac is clear that they shouldn’t try yet—the intimation being that there’s a level of trust involved that they haven’t quite reached. “When I get touched in the places that I can feel,” he tells her, “it can get a little intense.” She complies, kissing his eyebrows and stroking his face. The chemistry between the two actors is seismic.

It’s maybe the most truly sex-positive scene I can think of on television—an example of two people who are sexually attracted to each other communicating what they want, what they don’t want, what they can do, and what they don’t want to do, yet. It made me wonder why a scene like this exists only for a character with a disability, while virtually everyone else in the series seems to see sex as a kind of eroticized trampoline park, bouncing around cheerfully with no sense of the deeper kinds of connection they might be missing. The unfettered positivity of works such as Sex Education and Sex: Unzipped can also start to feel a little like shaming for anyone whose experiences of sex might have been minimal, or disappointing, or scary. “Our culture teaches us it’s not okay to not know about sex, or to not know exactly what to do,” a therapist says in Sex, Love & Goop. The most striking truth the show reveals is that no one knows anything at all, unless they ask.

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First FDA-Approved Sex Therapy App

Lover, the digital therapeutic app for improving people’s sex lives and treating sexual problems, is the first sexual app to be approved by the FDA.

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FDA Approval for Lover App

Lover, the digital therapeutic for improving people’s sex lives and treating sexual problems, has been approved by the FDA for its Safer Technologies Program. The app, co-founded in 2019 by Dr Britney Blair and entrepreneurs Jas Bagniewski and Nick Pendle, has been downloaded over 200k times across 166 countries in the last year and reports an 87% ‘satisfaction’ rate for users who want to improve their sex lives.

The STep program aims to enable people to access safer medical devices for ‘less serious’ (ie ‘non life-threatening or reasonably irreversible’ ) for the improvement of health outcomes. The FDA has stated that Lover has been shown to provide “significant safety advantage in treating and/or diagnosing less serious diseases or conditions” and “can also provide an important public health benefit.”

Co-Founders Nick Pendle and Jas Bagniewski say,

“We are delighted to be the first digital therapeutic for sex approved by the FDA. Since our launch, Lover has always aimed to be the most effective sexual wellness app on the market, and the FDA’s approval into their STeP program is the ultimate endorsement of this. We have long-believed the product, exercises and educational content we have built with Dr. Britney Blair and her team of experts can help millions of people enjoy better sex and happier relationships, and we’ve been proven to be a safe and an efficient way to deal with sexual problems. Lover works, and we couldn’t be prouder that following a rigorous review, the FDA agrees with us.”

User Efficacy Data

To be approved Lover provided user efficacy data which reported the distress level that a specific sexual issue was causing on a scale of 1-10. On average a distress level is usually around 6.9/10, when a user joins. After 2 weeks this is shown to drop to 3.7/10 on average.

Other efficacy stats reported by the app state that users had less distress connected to their sexual issues after using the app (87%), that the women were more easily and more consistently able to climax (92%) and an increased libido for females following app exercises (70%). For men, 94% reported less distress after the Erectile Dysfunction course and 62% of men reported improved erections.

Lover bills itself as being a ‘science-based approach to solving sexual problems,’ guiding users through a process of self-discovery through personalised advice and educational content. After a private 30 minute consultation of personalised 1-2-1 coaching and goal-setting, clinically proven advice and exercises are curated to steer users towards a fulfilling, healthy sex life, which the co-founders believe is essential to personal wellbeing and relationship satisfaction.

What the FDA Approval Means for Lover

The co-founders set out to provide a service that was not prohibitively expensive, yet as informative and effective as face-to-face therapy, or even prescribed medication. Using an app also eliminates the embarrassment that so many experience when having to speak to a professional face-to-face: Lover is completely private and personalised.

Co-Founder Dr. Britney Blair says,

“To receive this approval is a game-changer for us as it means Doctors and Clinicians can feel even more comfortable in recommending us as a viable alternative to traditional forms of care for sexual dysfunction. For most of us, sex and sexuality is a core part of our identity and crucial to relationship satisfaction. It affects our confidence, and our ability to connect with ourselves and our partner. Prioritising your sex life and your sexual pleasure may very well help you move the through the world happier, healthier and more satisfied in your relationship. Going to see a doctor about your sexual health is not easy. It can be embarrassing to talk about, time-consuming and expensive. With Lover, we hope we can help many more people than my team could ever see at our clinic. We want to make sexual wellness accessible to everyone.”

Lover is free to download and the first activity in your personalised goal is free to use. There are 2 membership options: 3 month access for $59.99 (£51.99 in UK) or annual access for $119.99 (£102.99 in UK).

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How To Know if You and Your Partner Could Benefit From Sex Therapy

By Rebecca Norris

Therapy is not simply a solution to a problem—whether the focus is personal, romantic, financial, sex-focused, or otherwise. And with specific respect to sex therapy, in particular, it’s important to know that the benefit extends to folks far beyond just those who are on the brink of breakup and are in dire need of professional help. Rather, just like seeking general therapy on a regular basis can help people live their most authentic life, sex therapy can help couples (and individuals) embrace their most fulfilling sex life—even when there’s no specific “problem” that needs solving.

With that in mind, keep reading for sex therapists’ take on must-knows about the benefits of sex therapy, including what it includes, how it may benefit you and your relationship, and more.

Who can enjoy the benefits of sex therapy?

Ready for it? Everyone. And that includes the folks in a honeymoon-phase state of bliss. “Think about how many transitions and experiences we go through in our adult lives: dating, breakups, infidelity, traumatic events, fertility challenges, pregnancies, postpartum recovery, health crises, natural aging, and beyond,” says Kimberly Sharky, relationship expert and sex coach with Union Square Play. “Each of these moments has potential to interfere with our connection to our sexual selves and with our sexual partners.”

With the guidance of a specialized sex therapist, when any of the above-mentioned moments comes to fruition, folks may be better adept at processing and then proceeding in such a way that avoids negative interference with the relationship. “While the guidance of a skilled therapist is a valuable resource in times of crisis, it is really best utilized during more stable times in our lives when we can benefit from a more grounded examination of our challenges and potential,” Sharky says.

As for how often to go to sex therapy, the answer is subjective and personal (as is the case with all forms of therapy). “It depends upon the degree of support that is necessary in order to build momentum and maintain positive progress,” Sharky says. “Your therapist will include recommendations in this regard once they have met with you once or twice and will then be able to create a collaborative game plan with you.”

What can sex therapists help with?

In addition to helping folks navigate life’s big moments and their impact on us, sexually speaking, Lovehoney sex and relationships expert Megan Fleming, PhD, says the benefits of sex therapy are particularly pronounced for cultivating an authentic and realistic understanding of sex and pleasure—which is something many people don’t have. “Most of us don’t receive sex-positive explicit sex education,” she says. “Too often, couples get caught up in scripted sex or sex that doesn’t feel worth having. Sex therapy gets back to the basics of giving and receiving pleasure.”

“Too often, couples get caught up in scripted sex or sex that doesn’t feel worth having. Sex therapy gets back to the basics of giving and receiving pleasure.” Megan Fleming, PhD

By working with a sex therapist, Sharky says couples are able to stoke more eroticism in their relationships (particularly in long-term unions). Additionally, she says that sex therapists can help couples resolve differences in sexual interest or desire. “The bulk of work in sex therapy revolves around helping couples remove obstacles to pleasure, whether they be rooted in anxiety that drives inhibition, interpersonal frustrations that deplete interest in connecting sexually, or countless other ways that the freedom and expression of great sex can be affected by everyday life and the complexities of long-term love,” Sharky says.

Considering that “the biggest sex organ is our mind and there’s no limit to our erotic imagination and therefore what’s possible,” says Dr. Fleming, working with a sex therapist to harness that state of mind is worth all folks’ time.

According to relationship and sex therapist Rachel Wright, LMFT, sex therapy can be just as beneficial for individuals as it can for couples. “Sex therapists work with individuals, couples, triads, quads, and groups,” she says, caveating that it’s the individuals who put in the most dedicated work with a sex therapist who benefit most. “Understanding your libido and your sexuality is a part of understanding yourself, which is a big piece of any form of psychotherapy.”

Furthermore, seeking sex therapy after a relationship or while single in general can also be particularly helpful. “It can be liberating to address sexual concerns on one’s own, which can often positively affect how that person engages in dating and early relationship-building,” Sharky says.

And in fact, for some, sex therapy may be a more honest, open, and vulnerable experience when done without the participation or gaze of another person. Basically, it can help you be your best, most authentic you, which lends itself to relationship health and general health alike.

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What Does Sex Positive Mean?

Here’s How Experts Explain It

Being sex positive can actually be really good for your health.

By Colleen Murphy

If you’ve been watching The Bachelorette at all this season, there’s a term you’ve likely heard over and over again: sex positive. Several of the men competing on the show have used “sex positive” to describe the current bachelorette, 30-year-old Katie Thurston, who is known for being super comfortable talking about sex.

Even if you don’t watch The Bachelorette, you might be hearing the phrase “sex positive” pop up elsewhere. That includes Twitter, as people are making jokes about turning this season into a drinking game: Whenever anybody says “sex positive,” take a drink.

But what exactly does it mean to be sex positive? Here’s how experts explain it.

What does ‘sex positive’ mean?

Someone who is sex positive is open to learning more about their own body, other people’s bodies, as well as consent, intimacy, and how to communicate about sex topics, Rachel Needle, PsyD, a psychologist in West Palm Beach, Florida, and the co-director of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes, a company that trains couples and sex therapists around the world, tells Health.

It also means they’re open to embracing and exploring their own sexuality and that of others-including sexual behavior, gender, sexual identity, and anatomy-in a respectful, non-judgmental way without shame.

But sex positivity doesn’t only have to do with sex-positive experiences and ideas. Theo Burnes, PhD, a psychologist practicing in Los Angeles and the director of clinical training at Antioch University in California, tells Health that sex positivity can also be about fighting for people who work in the sex industry, making sure they have equal rights and that their work is decriminalized. It can include advocating for accurate sex education that is not abstinence-only or fear-based. Sex positivity can also focus on understanding sex in the media-and that sexualized pornography, movies, or ads tend to portray some types of people yet leaves other out.

Being sex positive can also mean being the person a friend can come out to or go to with “their own fears, their own internalized stigma, sometimes their own shame,” Burnes says. Someone might call you, as a sex positive person, and say, “I’m really nervous about trying this new experience with my partner and I want to talk to somebody about it,” he explains.

What sex positivity isn’t

“Being sex positive doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re having an increased frequency of sexual behavior, or sexual encounters, or sexual arousal, but it does mean that you have an openness and a non-judgmental attitude toward engaging in sex, talking about sex, being open to other people talking about sex,” says Burnes.

Being sex positive also doesn’t mean you disregard the need for consent, Rosara Torrisi, PhD, certified sex therapist and director of The Long Island Institute of Sex Therapy, tells Health. “It’s not about encouraging folks to have a certain sexual orientation, minimum or maximum number of partners, or engage in certain behaviors during sex,” she says. “Expectations and pressure for anything about sexuality is inherently anti-sex positivity.” Consent is always a must.

Why is sex positivity talked about more these days?

Sex positivity isn’t just a concept that people identify with-it’s also a political and social movement.

“One of the things that really started that movement is this idea that sexuality has been often talked about as secretive, shameful, unhealthy, and that being overtly sexual in any kind of way-whether that’s talking about it, whether that’s having conversations about it-is problematic,” Burnes says. “And so the [sex positive] movement basically tries to say, ‘Hey, wait a second, this is a part of our normative development. And it’s not necessarily unhealthy or shameful, but having these conversations, doing exploration with sex when consent and trust and communication are part of the sexual process, is not wrong or unhealthy.'”

It’s a movement that’s been around for a long time. Recently, however, celebrities like Lady Gaga, Amber Rose, Jessica Biel, and Lizzo have spurred more conversations about sex positivity after speaking publicly about their experiences with slut shaming, sexuality, sexual assault, body acceptance, and sexual health and responsibility, Burnes explains. And yes, even The Bachelorette has expanded this trend.

“It wasn’t some agenda that I had coming on to the show. It’s just who I am and who I’ve been this whole time,” Thurston said on the podcast Bachelor Happy Hour earlier this year, after viewers were first introduced to her sex positive attitude when she was a contestant on The Bachelor. “It wasn’t until after the fact that I realized how big of a deal it was-which excites me, because I do believe it’s 2021, and women should be comfortable talking about their sexuality.”

“I appreciate being comfortable being able to talk about it,” Thurston continued. “Hopefully that means other women will soon start to open up a little bit, because being sex positive is important in a relationship, [the relationship you have with] yourself, in your self-care, and so many different things, especially in this [ongoing COVID-19] pandemic.”

Sex positivity has real health benefits

Being sex positive is “actually quite healthy and has been endorsed by a variety of organizations, like the World Health Organization (WHO),” according to Burnes. In fact, the WHO says that “a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships” is paramount to sexual health.

“When we are sex positive we are more sexually healthy,” Needle points out. “To many, being sexually healthy includes being comfortable with your own sexuality and making decisions related to and communicating about it.” Being sexually healthy can also mean enjoying sexual pleasure, having access to health care (including reproductive health care), having better communication skills with our partner(s) so that we are more likely to get what we want and need, and knowing how to avoid unintended pregnancy and minimize the risk of sexually transmitted infections (and accessing treatment if needed).

Having sex positive views can enhance your mental well-being too, according to Burnes. “That can mean decreased amounts of feelings of isolation, which can lead to things like depression and anxiety, [as well as a] decrease in shame and stigma, which can also lead to building resilience,” he says. When we eradicate ourselves from stigma and shame, he adds, we often demonstrate better health-related behaviors.

How can you become more sex positive?

First, know that anyone can be sex positive. “Sex positivity has little to do with what your sexual behaviors, identities, etc. are and much more about your perspective about sexuality,” Torrisi says. “It doesn’t matter if you’ve had sex with only yourself, a million people, or no one. Sex positivity is a set of values that is inclusive and nurturing of your own and others’ sexuality. It’s not just for polyamorous and kinky folks.”

As a whole, the US “has improved its understanding of sexual consent, pleasure, functioning, identity, orientation, behaviors, and expression,” according to Torrisi. But there’s still work to be done. “We’re still grappling with dual realities about sex in this country,” she says. “We are on one hand obsessed with sexuality, and on the other hand we are terrified of sexuality. Either end of this spectrum isn’t sex positivity. Recognizing the nuances, the lived realities of billions of individuals, each with their own valid truths, now that’s sex positivity.” 

It also helps to recognize the culture many Americans were raised in, “where we’re constantly bombarded with images that sex is something we should think about, but never talk about,” as Burnes puts it. Next, he suggests thinking about whether you want to see a therapist, read some books, or visit different websites to help you navigate what being sex positive will look like for you.

“Being sex positive doesn’t necessarily mean that [you’re] going to go and have certain sexual encounters-although if that’s something that someone wants to do, that’s great and awesome, as long as they’re safe, consensual and communicative,” Burnes says. Instead, he says, it can simply mean being more open to other people’s and your own sexual curiosity and experiences.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What is mindful sex and how do I do it?

BY LAURA MIANO

“What is mindful sex and how do I do it?” – Looking For Contentment 

Hi, Looking For Contentment. Great question – your sex life is probably about to go from good to stunning with a question like that. I’m quite happy for you. Derived from Eastern traditions, mindful sex has gained widespread attention in the West in recent years, and for good reason – it’s pretty incredible.

If you’ve tried mindfulness in your daily life and experienced any of the benefits it offers, you are about to experience a similar revolution in your sex life. Before I go into what mindful sex is, let me educate you on what mindful sex is not. Chances are you might have experienced any one – or all – of these phenomena.

Performance anxiety is a big one, and maybe the biggest culprit of sex that is not mindful. If you notice yourself ruminating over things like pleasuring your partner in the ‘right’ way, looking sexy to your partner, whether your body looks good from a certain angle, whether the face you’re making is ‘too much’ or if you’re acting too sexual or not sexual enough, you might be suffering from performance anxiety, and/or it’s lesser-known sister, spectatoring. These involve anxiety over how you act or look in a sexual experience.

You might also find that during sex you have a goal-oriented mentality like actively working toward achieving an orgasm, having your partner achieve an orgasm, or doing certain acts that you think are obligatory during sex. Further to the last point, if you are having sex by deliberately following a certain structure such as kissing then foreplay then penetrative sex, you also might not be having mindful sex.

If you find yourself becoming distracted by your thoughts, like wondering about the errands you need to run tomorrow or using sexual fantasies to help you achieve arousal, these also digress from mindful sex. The latter is absolutely healthy to do, it just doesn’t fit the criteria of ‘mindful’ sex.

Another phenomenon that falls outside this criterion is a form of dissociation called depersonalisation. This is when a person can’t feel their body or connect with their sexual identity and might occur in people with a history of sexual trauma. Although this is not mindful sex, just like the others, overcoming disassociation is best worked through with a trained sex therapist, sexological bodyworker or psychosomatic counsellor, as engaging in mindful sex can be more challenging for people with this condition, compared to the others I described earlier.

So now that you know what mindful sex is not, let’s get into the fun stuff – what mindful sex is! Mindful sex involves being vulnerable, surrendering to the present moment and letting any distracting thoughts simply come and go during a sexual experience. Any preconceived ideas of what sex should look like, how long it should go for or what sexual acts or events need to occur, can all say bah-bye.

It involves being physically, psychologically and emotionally cognisant when you’re having sex. That is, bringing 100 per cent of your awareness to how and what you are feeling during the experience, and the emotional and sexual connection you are forming with your sexual partner (sexual partner being a one-night stand, casual fling or long-term partner).

In psychological terms, your conscious mind is called a limited capacity system because you can only process a certain amount of information at any given time. Imagine your mind is like a bubble, when you are filling it up with your anxious, distracted or goal-oriented thoughts, you leave less space to consciously process the stimulation and pleasure. What mindful sex does is push those thoughts out and utilise the whole bubble by only processing information that is relevant to your pursuit of pleasure, connection and arousal.

This means you start psychologically experiencing deeper layers of sex that you might not have had the capacity for before. This can lead you on a really incredible journey of pleasure and change how you actually physically have sex too. For example, when you truly tap into your pleasure, maybe you actually don’t want to follow that cookie-cutter mould of sex I mentioned before. Sex that is mindful might start to look completely different to the sex you were having before.

So why is it worth doing? Well, you can experience a range of benefits including deeper intimacy and connection with your partner, a deeper understanding of and connection to your own sexuality, boosted self-esteem and body image, less performance anxiety, more connectedness and awareness of your body, heightened pleasure, more pleasure literacy, and easier and better orgasms.

Not to mention, if you use your mindfulness skills learnt during sex in everyday life, you could start to experience positive changes in your mental health more generally. There really isn’t enough space in this article to list every benefit but take my word for it – mindfulness will do you well.

So now that I’ve gone total sales pitch on you with mindfulness, you probably want to know how it’s done. There are no defined steps, obviously, but if you try any of the following techniques you’ll be well on your way. Also remember, with the exception of partner-related tips, any of these can be used during solo sex (i.e. masturbation).

Try to set up your environment in a way that makes you feel sensual, relaxed and safe. This might include a clean and tidy room, dim lighting, soft music, and a nice scent. You’d be surprised how much it can impact you on an unconscious level.

You should also try to remove any preconceived ideas of what sex should look like. This might be hard to do completely (we internalise a lot on an unconscious level), but if you find yourself thinking things like ‘I should probably do x now’ or Have I been doing x for too long?’, push those thoughts away and return to what you are feeling.

On top of this, instead of trying to achieve an orgasm, focus on experiencing pleasure. Many people who struggle to orgasm do so because they are too focused on it. Move away from the orgasm goal and get comfortable with just being.

You should also let thoughts come and go by gently pushing them away when they appear. Try mindfulness techniques like The Five Senses exercise, focusing on your breath, deep breathing or imagining your thoughts disappearing on a moving cloud.

You can also be mindful by pursuing your own pleasure at the start of the experience, instead of putting your partner first. This can kick start that gorgeous dance of reciprocal arousal that two people achieve when one person becomes aroused because the other person is aroused, which then keeps repeating and can create a really beautiful cycle of shared pleasure.

Other steps to try are synchronised deep breathing and eye gazing with your partner. These will be great for creating trust, intimacy and a deeper sexual connection with the person you share these with.

I’m trying my best to stay realistic here, but mindful sex is truly your ticket to wildly pleasurable and mind-blowing sex. If you haven’t tried it, I suggest giving it a go. Whether you are exploring solo or having sex casually or with a committed partner, mindful sex will reshape your whole understanding of pleasure and satisfaction. Trust me, you need to try it.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How sex surrogates are helping injured Israeli soldiers

In many countries surrogate sex therapy – in which a person is hired to act as a patient’s sexual partner – is controversial, and not widely practised. In Israel, however, it is available at government expense for soldiers who have been badly injured and need sexual rehabilitation.

By Yolande Knell and Phil Marzouk

The Tel Aviv consultation room of Israeli sex therapist Ronit Aloni looks much as you would expect. There is a small comfy couch for her clients and biological diagrams of male and female genitalia, which she uses for explanation.

But what happens in the neighbouring room, which has a sofabed and candles, is more surprising.

This is where paid surrogate partners help teach some of Aloni’s clients how to have intimate relationships and ultimately, how to have sex.

“It doesn’t look like a hotel – it looks more like a house, like an apartment,” says Aloni. There’s a bed, a CD player, an adjoining shower – and erotic artwork adorns the walls.

“Sex therapy is, in many ways, couple therapy and if somebody doesn’t have a partner then you cannot complete the process,” she goes on. “The surrogate – she or he – they’re there to model the partner role in a couple.”

Although critics liken this to prostitution, in Israel it has become accepted to the extent that the state covers the cost for soldiers with injuries that affect their ability to have sex.

Woman and man embracing
Sex is part of life, it’s the satisfaction of life… it’s not that I’m being Casanova – this is not the issue

“People need to feel they can pleasure somebody else and that they can get pleasure from somebody else,” says Aloni, who has a doctorate in sexual rehabilitation.

“People are coming for therapy. They’re not coming for pleasure. There is nothing similar to prostitution,” she adds firmly.

“Also, 85% of the sessions are [about] intimacy, touching, giving and receiving, communicating – it’s about learning to be a person and how you relate to other people. By the time you have a sexual relationship, that’s the end of the process.”

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Mr A, as he wants to be known, was one of the first soldiers who got Israel’s Ministry of Defence to pay for sex surrogate therapy after a life-changing accident nearly 30 years ago, when he was an army reservist.

A fall from a height left him paralysed from the waist down and unable to have sex in the ways that he had previously.

“When I was injured I made a list ‘To Do,'” he says. “I have to [be able to] do a shower by myself, I have to eat, dress by myself, to drive by myself and have sex independently.”

Mr A was already married with children, but his wife did not feel comfortable talking about sex to doctors and therapists, so she encouraged him to seek help from Aloni.

He explains how Aloni gave directions and feedback to him and his surrogate partner before and after each session.

woman sitting on bed
“You start from the beginning: you’re touching this, you’re touching there and then it’s building step-by-step until the last stage of getting an orgasm,” he says.

Mr A argues it was right for the state to pay for his weekly sessions, just as it did other parts of his rehabilitation. Today the cost of a three-month treatment programme is $5,400.

“It wasn’t the goal of my life to go to a surrogate, OK, I was injured and I want[ed] to rehabilitate in every aspect of my life,” he says, sitting in his wheelchair, in a tracksuit, on his way to play table tennis.

“I didn’t fall in love with my surrogate. I was married. It was just to study the technique of how to get to the goal. I took it as a very logical thing that I have to do.”

He blames Western hang-ups about sex for any misconceptions.

“Sex is part of life, it’s the satisfaction of life,” he says. “It’s not that I’m being Casanova, this is not the issue.”

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A steady stream of people of different ages and backgrounds visits Aloni discreetly at her clinic.

Many are struggling to have a romantic relationship because of intimacy issues or anxiety, or have suffered sexual abuse. Others have physical and mental health conditions.

Aloni has focused particularly on disabled clients since the start of her career. Several of her close relatives had disabilities including her father, a pilot, who suffered a brain injury after a plane crash.

“All my life I was next to people having to deal with and overcome different disabilities,” she says. “All these people were very well rehabilitated and so I had this very optimistic approach.”

Aloni became close to a surrogate who worked with disabled people while studying in New York.

When she came back to Israel in the late 1980s, she gained the approval of leading rabbis for the use of sexual surrogates and started providing therapy at a rehabilitation centre on a religious kibbutz – a rural community.

The rabbis had one rule – no married men or married women could be surrogates – and Aloni has followed it ever since.

Over time, she has won backing from the Israeli authorities. Out of about 1,000 people who have had surrogate sex therapy at her clinic, dozens have been injured army veterans – many with brain trauma or spinal cord injuries, whose treatment has been funded by the state.

Aloni believes that Israel’s family-oriented culture and its attitude towards its armed forces has worked in her favour. At 18, most Israelis are called up for military service and they can continue as reserve soldiers into middle age.

“We are in a war situation all the time since the country was established,” she says.

“Everybody in Israel knows people who were injured, or died and everybody has a positive approach to compensating these people. We feel obliged to them.”

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A tall man of about 40 is sitting in his garden in central Israel with a blanket across his lap. He is a former reserve soldier whose life was shattered in the 2006 Lebanon War.

David – as we will call him – was left unable to talk or move.

Lebanon war

He can only communicate with the help of his occupational therapist – if she supports his arm and holds a pen in his hand, he can write on a whiteboard.

“I was just an ordinary person. I’d just got back from a trip to the Far East. I was studying in university and worked as a barman. I used to love sports and being with friends,” David says.

When his military unit came under attack, he suffered serious leg and head injuries and went on to spend three years in hospital.

During that time, he says he lost the will to live.

Things only began to turn around after his occupational therapists suggested surrogate sex therapy.

“When I started the surrogate therapy, I felt like a loser, like nothing. In therapy. I started feeling like a man, young and handsome,” David says.

“It was the first time that I felt that since my injury. It gave me strength and it gave me hope.”

This was an intimate relationship that David started, knowing that it would have to end. So was there a risk that he would be emotionally hurt?

“Initially, it was difficult for me because I wanted the surrogate all to myself,” he says. “But I realised that even if we’re not partners, we’re still good friends. And it’s worth it. It’s worth everything. It just helps you rebuild yourself all over again.”

While the usual rules are that surrogates and clients cannot be in contact outside of the therapy, David and his surrogate – a woman who uses the alias Seraphina – were given special permission by Dr Aloni’s clinic to stay in touch when their sessions ended.

Since the treatment, those close to David say they have seen a transformation in him. He has been focusing on plans for the future.

While having a sex life remains very difficult, before Covid-19 struck he had begun socialising more, going out with the help of his carers.

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Seraphina has worked as a surrogate with Ronit Aloni for over a decade. She is slim with bobbed hair and is warm and articulate.

Recently she published a book about her experiences. Titled More than a Sex Surrogate, the publishers describe it as “a unique memoir about intimacy, secrets and the way we love”.

Like all of the surrogate partners at the Tel Aviv clinic, Seraphina has another job. Hers is in the arts. She says she took on her role for altruistic reasons.

“All those people that suffer under the [surface] and have all those hidden secrets that they walk around with, I really wanted to help because I knew I had the ability,” she explains.

“I had no problem with the idea of using sexuality or my body or touch in the therapy process. And the subject was fascinating to me, sexuality was fascinating to me.”

Seraphina describes herself as “like a tour guide”, saying she takes clients on a journey in which she knows the way.

You cannot rehabilitate a person without rehabilitating their self-esteem, their perception of being a man or a woman

She has worked with about 40 clients, including another soldier, but says that the severity of David’s injuries posed a unique challenge. She learned how to help him to write so that they could chat privately.

“David is the most extreme case ever known. It was like walking in a desert – you had no idea of the direction [in which] to go,” she says.

“I had to be very, very creative because he doesn’t move at all. I moved his body as I imagined he would have moved if he could. He felt his body but he could not move it.

“He always said: ‘She knows exactly what I want, even if I don’t say anything.’ So, it was really flattering.”

While being a surrogate, Seraphina has had boyfriends who, she says, accept what she does. But she knows other women and men who have stopped acting as surrogates for the sake of their personal partners or to get married.

She explains that saying goodbye to clients after they have been intimate is necessary but can be difficult.

“I say, it’s like going to a vacation. We have an opportunity to have a wonderful relationship for a certain short time and do we take it or give it up?

“And it’s the happiest break-up anybody can have. It’s for good reasons. I can cry sometimes, but at the same time, I’m so happy.

“When I hear that anybody is in a relationship or had a baby or got married, it’s unimaginable how happy and thrilled and thankful I am for what I do.”

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Late in the evening, Ronit Aloni is still working, giving an online lecture to a group of sexologists from Europe and as far afield as South America.

She recounts cases and quotes studies suggesting surrogacy is more effective than classic psychological therapy at treating sexual problems.

Zoom seminar on sex therapy

“This is most interesting, those therapists who did already work with surrogates all of them said that they will do it again,” she tells them.

With modern surgery helping more severely wounded soldiers to survive she believes surrogate treatment could be used more widely.

“You cannot rehabilitate a person without rehabilitating their self-esteem, their perception of being a man or a woman,” she says.

“You cannot ignore this part in our life. It’s very important, powerful. It’s the centre of our personality. And you cannot just talk about it. Sexuality is something dynamic, is something that has to be between us and other people.”

In Aloni’s view, modern society has developed unhealthy attitudes towards sex.

“We know how to joke about sexuality. We know how to humiliate people, we know to be very conservative or too extreme about sexuality,” she says.

“It’s never really balanced. It’s never weaved into our life in the way it’s supposed to be, and sexuality – it’s life. This is how we bring life. It’s nature!”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Overcome Religious Shame in Your Sex Life

By Lindsey Ellefson

If you were raised to see sex and sexuality as a source of shame and embarrassment, you might notice that such feelings tend to linger, no matter how educated, open-minded, and open-legged you consider yourself today. If you come from a religious background, it’s probably even worse.

Fortunately, many religious leaders and secular counselors in the year of our Lord 2021 know that hardline teachings on sexual expression and orientation don’t do much to draw in the spiritually wayward, and can even ostracize believers. So whether you’re trying to balance your religious leanings with your carnal desires or overcome shame you internalized as a child and dragged into bed in your agnostic adulthood, we called on experts who can help.

Don’t be afraid to talk about sex

In a lot of religious households and communities, talking about sexuality is off limits, but refusing to talk about something doesn’t make it go away. A 28-year-old erotic artist in Philadelphia who goes by Claire Voyant tells Lifehacker that her religious upbringing is still causing problems in her sex life, but she’s slowly working through them by talking to friends and counselors.

Leo Morton, an associate pastor and drag queen in North Carolina, suggests the same, adding, “Everybody needs two really good things in this world: One is a good hairdresser and the other is a good counselor.” Morton is openly gay, but found that when he first spoke to a clergy member about his same-sex attraction in his youth, he was shut down and told not to bring it up. Obviously, that approach didn’t make him less gay—and not talking about sexuality isn’t going to make you less randy, either, only more needlessly ashamed of being so. Not acknowledging your sexuality only leads to repression, and that’s how archaic ideas about sex lead to such a pervasive shame. Talking about sex helps you to break the cycle before the cycle breaks you.

Fortunately, there are specialized counselors who can help—people like Kevin Salazar, a psychotherapist at the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in New York City, who tells Lifehacker they see lingering shame in their work often.

“I find it is common for clients who grew up in a conservative religious environment to feel shame around how they experience (or don’t experience) sexual and romantic attraction. Folks may feel shame about acting on their attraction even in a supportive and consensual environment,” they say.

Sex-positive friends can help, too

Counseling isn’t the only option, as friends make great listeners, too. Claire, who is also a retired sex worker, explains that because her Catholic education taught her that sexual pleasure was a woman’s duty to provide a man, she has struggled well into her late 20s to masturbate or focus on her own enjoyment during the partnered encounters she began having once she decided not to wait for marriage—in itself is a big step for people with a similar upbringing. Talking to friends, she says, helps, though she does admit she feels “jealousy” toward those who grew up in more liberal households and don’t really get where she’s coming from.

“I totally feel like the odd person out sometimes, like I’m hiding in plain sight,” she says.

Salazar explains, “Folks who grew up in a conservative religious environment and now have a liberal, sex-positive community have also expressed feeling isolated and not understood by their peers who did not experience the same kinds of shame and stigma.”

In some cases, a “hair of the dog” approach might work, especially if you’re still spiritual. Consider talking to insiders who can relate. Not all religious leaders are like the one Morton encountered when he was first questioning his sexuality, especially in this day and age. If you’re trying to square the sexual part of yourself with the religious or spiritual part, you don’t need to pick one.

“The shame and stigma the church has propagated around sexuality—regardless of orientation or gender—is longstanding,” says Rev. Mandy McDow, senior minister at Los Angeles First United Methodist Church, who strives to make sure her congregation is welcoming to members of the LGBTQ+ community and sex workers. “It has been a way in which the church has exercised power and dominion over the vulnerable, which is an actual sin.”

Find community online

Welcoming spaces also exist outside of traditional churches, the most obvious and vast option being right here, on the Internet.

“There are various religious and spiritual communities that will be welcoming and expansive in their understandings of gender, sex, and sexuality,” says Jesse Kahn, LCSW-R, CST, director and sex therapist at the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center. “And if it’s important for you to be a part of a specific church that tends to have more repressive teachings, there are often variations in how the teachings are discussed based on geography and in progressive online spaces.”

Learn how to talk to yourself about sex

Don’t be afraid to work on yourself, by yourself, and for yourself. As Claire can attest, sex isn’t all about your relationship to someone else; it’s just as much about you. Salazar recommends journaling and listening to related podcasts or reading books; Claire suggests reading columns like this one, then taking time to explore your own beliefs and desires in a comfortable space. Go at your own pace, she says, and practice some gentle self-talk: “The more positive messaging you can incorporate into your life about sex, the better. Like, if you can, just max out until you’re sick of hearing people speak positively about sex, because you really need to rewire your brain completely.”

Echoing advice from Salazar, who mentioned replacing stigmatizing language with affirmations in their practice with clients, Claire advises, “Think about all of the time that was scheduled into your life for people to talk negatively about sex, and now you have to do that, like, twice as much positively.”

If you can believe an all-knowing god was angry at you for being sexual, why not try believing that same god would be proud of you for it? Morton sums up his thoughts accordingly: “God created us, and we are beautiful and our bodies are part of the extension of God himself.” Praise be.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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I’m A Sex Therapist

— Here Are 6 Questions I Get Asked About Sex In Long-Term Relationships

By Dania Schiftan, Ph.D.

As part of the 10-step program for increased sexual responsiveness that I lead women through in my new book Coming Soon, I also share dozens of questions I commonly receive from people about the sex they’re having (or not having) in their long-term relationships. Here’s just a smattering of those questions and how I answer them:

1. At the beginning of my relationship, I came to orgasm much more quickly and more often during sex. Why is that?

Emotional passion, which is usually greater at the beginning of a relationship than later, influences our desire for sex. Hormones massively boost our sensations and cause us to feel touch more intensely. Couples also tend to move much more at the beginning than they do later. The desire to explore a new body calls for activity. When a relationship is new, we are usually in a phase where everything flows, and time flies. At this stage, we’re sending and receiving stimulation that leads to greater desire and more orgasms on all levels and through all channels. Some couples look back wistfully at the beginning of their relationship and think they’ve lost this passion for each other. But this, too, is a fallacy because passion can also be learned!

2. Won’t I be emotionally absent if I just concentrate on myself during sex? Won’t the sex be impersonal if I’m getting lost in my own world?

You’re not absent—you’re just focusing on yourself and on your sensations and experience with your partner. If you’re thinking about your grocery list or feeling annoyed by your partner during sex, you’re much more absent. But sure, at first your partner may be confused to see you moving more or taking more care of yourself. In the long run, he’ll benefit from this too.

Apart from that, many men say it’s important to them to feel how aroused their partner is. If two people lie in bed, each waiting for the other to become aroused, not much will happen. The arousal of one person has a positive effect on the arousal of the other.

3. Won’t the sex be worse if I’m more selfish?

The sex will change, but it certainly won’t get worse. Over time, it will get much, much better—because you’ll enjoy it more, and that will turn your partner on. By concentrating more on your sensations, you’re more in the here and now, and you can react more to your partner’s arousal. Neither of you will be distracted by unerotic things like your last credit card bill. But yes: Improving sex means changing it. And with change comes risk. If you do what you’ve always done, you at least know what you’re getting. It takes courage to trade something familiar for something new. Dare to try it.

4. What should I do if I don’t feel like sex—for example, if we just had a big fight?

Of course, you don’t have to have sex then, or ever. But maybe you’ve noticed that you can use your body to influence your feelings, and not just the other way around. Anger, bad moods, or stress can change for the better if you and your partner have a nice, passionate time on a physical level. You don’t need to be in perfect harmony for that.

Having sex despite a fight can have a totally positive effect on your relationship: On the one hand because sex and orgasms help you to relax, and on the other hand because it’s a way to come closer to each other again. But how can you open yourself to sex when you feel no desire? By throwing yourself into it even if you don’t feel like it. Think of the party principle: Go to your partner, make out with him, stroke him tenderly. That way, you stop the downward spiral. Of course, I’m not saying you should have sex against your will. It’s just about giving yourself or each other a chance to see whether your appetite grows when you taste the food. Like the words one of my students has as a tattoo: “When you cuddle, you repair each other.”

5. What should I do when my partner doesn’t feel like it?

After a while, many couples end up in a pattern of “reverse seduction.” This subject would be enough to fill a book, but in short what it means is this: The partners blame each other, are easily offended, and have very specific ideas about how they want to be seduced. But seduction actually means, “How can I get the other person to do something that I want to do?” As a seductress, you have to think about how you can motivate your partner to participate. For example, if you want to go see a sappy movie and you know it’s not the kind of film your partner likes, you have to get creative and think about how you can get her to come anyway. You promise popcorn and rave about the actress. You think about what she might go for. If you know her soft spots, you exploit them. Translated to the bedroom, this means, “How can I make sex appealing to my partner again?”

6. We’ve known each other so long. Wouldn’t it be strange to suddenly pretend I don’t know what my partner wants?

Rethink your understanding of seduction. In your daily life, you’re often trying to make what you want appealing to your partner. Why shouldn’t you do the same with sex? Think about how you seduce him in other parts of life, and transfer this to sex. Let go of clichés. Seduction doesn’t necessarily mean a garter belt and negligee. It starts long before sex. It could be text messages, long looks, playing with closeness and distance, casually stroking his arm, and then going away again. But if you want to wear a garter belt, go for it! Courage always pays off.

In a long-term relationship, you experience a lot together and know each other inside and out. This is wonderful, but it also brings you so close that you rarely have a chance to long for your partner or see him from a distance. This happens automatically: The other person is always there. An erotic relationship, therefore, requires a little distance and space now and then: alone time. This is very important for your sexuality as well. I advise my patients to spend time alone or with friends and to deliberately plan time for themselves. This leads to being excited about each other again—and maybe even to feeling in love.

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25 Best Couples Therapy Techniques, Exercises, and Activities to Try in 2021

by Jillian Goltzman

Online resources and telehealth has made couples therapy more accessible than ever.

If you’re looking to engage in self-improvement and enhance your relationship, there’s a multitude of techniques and exercises at your fingertips.

Couples therapy techniques

Reflective listening

“Reflective listening is a highly beneficial exercise where the couple take turns being active listeners,” says Laura Louis, a licensed psychologist at Atlanta Couple Therapy.

Use “I” phrases instead of “you” statements. For example, say “I feel hurt when you do X” instead of “You’re wrong for doing X.”

“When couples take turns being active listeners, it boosts healthy communication skills as well as conflict resolution skills for the couple,” Louis says.

Emotionally focused therapy

Many therapists use a method called emotionally focused therapy (EFT).

The goal is for couples “to identify maladaptive patterns within the relationship that are interfering with secure bonds and attachments,” says Ansley Campbell, a clinical director at The Summit Wellness Group.

People “learn and utilize techniques to heal or create safe and secure attachments within the relationship,” she explains.

Narrative therapy

The practice of narrative therapy revolves around people describing their problems in narrative form and rewriting their stories. This can help them see that no single story can possibly encapsulate the totality of their experience.

“There will always be inconsistencies and contradictions,” says Sam Nabil, CEO and lead therapist at Naya Clinics.

Narrative therapy may be helpful for couples who feel like their relationship is failing due to both of their faults.

“These couples often believe that they’re subject to this romantic pitfall and emotional trauma because they have been a ‘failure’ from the start and it is what they ‘deserve,’” Nabil says.

Gottman Method

The Gottman Method is a popular method practiced among couples therapists. The technique is designed to help couples deepen their understanding of one another while managing conflict in their relationship.

The Gottman Institute has more than 40 years of research under its belt. It provides live workshops and take-home training materials for couples, but many therapists have also trained using the Gottman Institute’s methods.

Imago relationship therapy

Imago relationship therapy, developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt in 1980, emphasizes the connection between adult relationships and childhood experiences.

By understanding childhood trauma, the therapy seeks to make couples more empathetic and understanding of one another.

Solution-focused therapy

If you’re experiencing a particular issue or want to work toward a specific goal, solution-focused therapy is a model to consider.

According to the Institute for Solution-Focused Therapy, the practice is “a short-term goal-focused evidence-based therapeutic approach which helps clients change by constructing solutions rather than dwelling on problems.”

Couples therapy exercises and activities

Get crafty

“Having a physically visible vision board can help remind you of your shared desires and goals for when you are having issues within the relationship,” Louis says.

She advises couples to get crafty by writing down goals and collecting pictures that embody your relationship desires.

“It’s a tangible reminder that a marriage is a work in progress, and that it takes hard work and time on both ends to create a strong, healthy, and long lasting relationship,” she says.

Find deeper topics to engage with

Get over surface-level conversations and ask your partner questions other than “What’s for dinner?”

Kelly Sinning, a Colorado-based licensed professional counselor, likes to give her clients the homework of simply talking with each other.

“Oftentimes, we get so busy and caught up in the day-to-day needs, we don’t realize that we stop having conversations about anything else,” she explains.

Express appreciation

Expressing gratitude and communicating what works in your relationship can help strengthen your appreciation for one another.

“Make it a habit of expressing appreciation daily through in-person conversations, texts, or a sticky note in a place your partner will find it,” suggests Meagan Prost, a licensed professional clinical counselor at Center for Heart Intelligence.

Identify your partner’s love language

Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you experience love in the same way.

“The 5 Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman has helped couples identify what makes them feel loved so they can show up for each other.

The five love languages are based on the idea that each person has a preferred way of receiving love:

  • receiving gifts
  • acts of service
  • words of affirmation
  • quality time
  • physical touch

Take the online quiz with your partner to discover your love language and better understand each other.

Schedule important conversations

Are you looking to have an important or difficult discussion with your partner? Take it from the experts: Serious talks are best when you have a plan.

“We often engage in conflict because the timing is wrong, and we aren’t in a frame of mind where we can thoughtfully engage in conversation,” says Alisha Powell, PhD, LCSW, with Amethyst Counseling and Consulting.

She advises tough conversations be scheduled in advance so no one is caught off guard.

Pencil in one-on-one time

While life can feel hectic, don’t let outside pressures override time with your partner.

“Scheduling an hour of ‘couples time’ to get intimate is a great start. Scheduling an hour of time to focus on topics that will help improve the relationship can be done several times a week or once a week,” says Grazel Garcia, LMFT.

Fill your intimacy bucket

As a couple and as individuals, understand that you both have intimacy needs.

Garcia calls this the “intimacy bucket,” which includes the following types of intimacy:

  • intellectual
  • experiential
  • social
  • emotional
  • sexual

Spend time finding exercises in each bucket. For example, you can explore a new hobby together or socialize with mutual friends on a Zoom game night.

Practice partner yoga

Consider teaming up with your partner for couples yoga.

Partner yoga allows you to balance together with your partner, establishing and strengthening trust as you flow through tandem moves.

A 2016 study linked mindfulness to increased relationship satisfaction. By synchronizing your breathing, you’ll be one with your partner during your practice — and the benefits may even exceed your yoga class.

The 6-second kiss

Don’t knock this technique before you try it. Dr. John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute, advocates for the 6-second kiss. It’s a way for couples to add a dash of romance seamlessly throughout the day.

The kiss is just long enough to be passionate while also acting as a distraction from the busyness of the day.

Show interest in each other’s day

When was the last time you asked your partner what they were most excited about for the day?

Spending a few moments discussing your partner’s agenda and goals will help support them and make them feel cared for in your relationship.

With her clients, Prost finds that “curiosity can help your partner feel connected to you.”

Share a list of things you want from your partner

Write down three things your partner could do weekly that would make you happy. Share your list with one another while looking in each other’s eyes.

The lists may not be something your partner can do every day, but a reminder of things they can manage to do once a week to help build trust and communication.

“The point is that we all show and need affection in different ways, and honoring those differences is essential to feeling heard and understood,” says Nyro Murphy, LCPC.

Have an icebreaker

You might remember icebreakers from summer camp or work seminars, but this go-to conversation-starting game may help reinvigorate your relationship and teach you something new about your partner.

Reintroduce yourself to your partner by setting time to discuss icebreaker questions that dig beneath the surface.

Connect through music

Remember the days of making your school crush the ultimate mixtape?

A 2011 study found that shared music preferences create stronger social bonds.

Feel the nostalgia and curate your own playlist of songs that remind you of your partner and the moments you’ve shared. Swap your playlists and get a peek into each other’s romantic side.

Start a book club for two

Reading can allow you to share an experience together at your own pace. Alternate the responsibility of choosing a book that’s grabbed your attention, and set a date to discuss it over dinner.

Eye gazing

Initiating long-held eye contact with your partner may help you two feel a stronger connection.

Prolonged eye contact can help you recognize emotions, build trustTrusted Source, and increase intimacy.

A 2018 study associated eye gazing with “self-other merging,” reducing the boundary between yourself and the other person to feel unity.

As the saying goes, the eyes are the window to the soul, so why not give it a try?

Practice gratitude

Gratitude has many benefits, including boosting well-being for yourself and your relationship.

A 2017 studyTrusted Source found that sharing gratitude with your partner increases oxytocin, a hormone that helps calm you and decrease stress. Researchers in the study found that gratitude led to a “greater experienced love” in the 129 participants.

At the end of each day, take time to share three things you’re grateful for with your partner.

Increase your cuddle time

There’s a reason why cuddling with your partner feels so good: Cuddling causes your body to release oxytocin and reduces cortisol, the stress hormone.

Penn Medicine reports that hugging can also lower resting blood pressure and regulate sleep patterns. If you’re feeling warm and fuzzy, your body is doing its job!

Invest in a therapy workbook

Find a couples therapy workbook in a book store or online and take time each week to go through assigned activities with your partner.

Dr. Annie Hsueh, PhD, of Hope and Sage Psychological Services, recommends her clients read and answer the question prompts in “Hold Me Tight” by Dr. Sue Johnson.

Hsueh also recommends “The Couple Home Connection System,” a workbook filled with exercises designed to help couples connect in “deeper, more meaningful ways.”

Unplug from your devices

According to a 2014 report by the Pew Research Center, 25 percent of people in a serious relationship say cellphones distract their partner when they’re alone together.

If distraction and a feeling of absenteeism is infiltrating your relationship, experiment with setting aside time to fully unplug and communicate with each other.

Every relationship has conflict. Learning how to handle your conflicts can not only patch up your issues but also make your relationship much stronger.

In couples therapy, a licensed counselor works with two people to improve their relationship.

Like any form of therapy, couples counseling requires a commitment and willingness to open up from both involved parties.

According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, more than 98 percent of people reported marriage and family therapy services as good or excellent.

Counseling doesn’t have to be a guarded practice reserved for any “type” of person. Couples therapy can help anyone in a relationship, regardless of demographics like sexual orientation and age.

“Couples can form a more secure bond with one another and be able to have vulnerable conversations without pushing the other person away,” Hsueh says.

When committing to couples therapy, come with an open mind, and be ready to break down the barriers of communication.

If you’re in need of a relationship refresh, counseling may be a great option for you.

No matter your situation, every couple can benefit from participating in couples therapy and acquiring a toolkit to deepen their connection with their loved one.

“The benefits to couples therapy are endless. The mere act of seeking couples therapy can be a demonstration of the significance and importance you place on your relationship,” says Nikki Young, LMFT.

“My goal in couples therapy is to teach couples how to navigate life together as a team, so that ultimately they say, ‘Hey, thanks for the support, but we got it from here,’” she adds.

The perks of couples therapy can include:

  • having a third-party mediator to help facilitate constructive conversations
  • finding new ways to communicate with your partner
  • decreasing distress and conflict within your relationship
  • being intentional with your time and words
  • setting time to dedicate to the improvement of your relationship
  • creating a safe, calm space in therapy to discuss difficult topics
  • practicing techniques to enhance emotional and physical intimacy
  • forming action plans to make your relationship a priority
  • identifying harmful or damaging patterns in your relationship and working around them
  • rebuilding trust with one another
  • establishing healthy boundaries in your relationship
  • having a therapist who can identify underlying issues and emotions you might not be aware exist
  • discovering and developing valuable skills to manage conflict
  • finding common ground and learning to relate to each other in a loving, kind way
  • feeling supported and listened to in your relationship
  • building skills to identify your needs and wants in a relationship

When it comes to committing to couples therapy, partners can start therapy for any reason that causes them conflict, distress, or mistrust.

Some common reasons couples may seek therapy include:

  • the need to rebuild trust after infidelity or deceit
  • to enhance physical and emotional intimacy if you’re feeling unsatisfied
  • to overcome trauma
  • going through a transition together, like parenthood or a big move
  • having different, conflicting views on how to parent
  • to help manage substance use disorder recovery for one or both partners
  • to learn more about the relationship and prevent future
  • feeling lost in the busyness of life
  • experiencing the grief of losing a loved one
  • the desire to have fun within your relationship and reignite your spark
  • anger issues that make it difficult to resolve conflict in a rational way
  • wanting to define the significance and seriousness of a relationship with the help of a third party
  • working through infertility
  • blended families and step-parenting
  • career pressures and job changes
  • financial problems

“Oftentimes, couples wait to seek therapy until they have reached a point of crisis within their relationship. And while this is likely a fitting time to seek couples therapy, please consult with a provider to ensure couples counseling is the right avenue of support,” Young says.

But in dangerous or dire situations, mental health professionals may advise another path.

“There are times when couples therapy is not indicated, such as situations of characterological domestic violence or an ongoing affair. In situations such as these, the therapist will likely recommend individual counseling instead,” she says.

No problem is too big or small for therapy, especially with the help of an experienced licensed professional.

From feeling disconnected to your partner to overcoming infidelity, exercises and techniques developed by licensed therapists can rehabilitate your relationship and improve your communication skills.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Curious about sex therapy?

This is what it involves

By Kellie Scott

If you’ve never had sex therapy, you might rely on how it’s portrayed in film and TV for some insight.

“A lot of people I’ve worked with recently said they didn’t even realise sex therapy was a thing until they saw Sex Education on Netflix,” says Melbourne sexologist Kassandra Mourikis.

The Australian Society of Sex Educators, Researchers and Therapists NSW (ASSERT NSW) defines sex therapy as a “specialised form of professional counselling that focuses on addressing the sexual concerns, sexual functioning and sexual expression of human beings”.

Removing the mystery around the process is important, because it can help with all kinds of concerns including desire, erectile dysfunction and sexual pain.

I spoke with a few sex therapists to find out what it’s really like.

How do you pick the right sex therapist?

Sex therapy is a self-regulated industry. That means untrained and inexperienced people can call themselves sex therapists.

For example, a qualified counsellor might decide to work in sexology based on books they’ve read.

Or someone with no qualifications might attend a six-week course and call themselves a sexologist.

Or, they might take an academic approach by completing a Bachelor of Psychology and a Masters of Sexology, for example.

Regulatory bodies like ASSERT NSW and the Society of Australian Sexologists Ltd (SAS) hold sex therapists to a certain standard.

SAS, for example, has developed guidelines for the accreditation of sexologists who work as psychosexual therapists, sex therapists, sexuality educators and sexologists.

SAS national chairperson Lisa Torney says you can check its list of accredited sex therapists, but there are also many capable and experienced sex therapists who aren’t accredited.

She recommends having a phone chat with a prospective therapist to find out if they are a good fit.

Ms Mourikis suggests asking about their specialty and for an overview of how they might be able to help you before committing to a session.

What do you talk about with a sex therapist?

Sex therapy can assist with sexual education, sexual trauma, intimacy issues, physical difficulties, relationships problems, lacking or high desire, sexual pain and more.

Often, a sex therapist will specialise in one or a few areas.

One area Ms Mourikis focuses on is helping clients with sexual, genital and pelvic pain.

“Then that connects with communicating with your partner and relationship conflict … and creating pain management plans,” she says.

“I also work with [people on] prioritising pleasure or working out why [they] find it really hard to make time for pleasure or experience pleasure in their body and sometimes that comes down to trauma work, unpacking cultural myths, unpacking body image and self-esteem.”

Brisbane and Gold Coast-based sexologist Dr Armin Ariana more often sees male clients, and specialises in erection difficulties, early or delayed ejaculation, and relationships.

He says while opening up about sex can be difficult, information shared with a sex therapist is confidential.

“The first lesson we learn is to not be judgemental and to treat people unconditionally,” he says.

Will a sex therapist watch me have sex?

Wasn’t sure we needed to go there, but this is something Ms Mourikis has been asked!

No, you will not have sex or be watched having sex in a therapy session.

Are there props involved?

In Sex Education, there are a few dildos laying around the office of Dr Jean Milburn, played by Gillian Anderson.

“Some sex therapists might show you sex toys or models of genitals,” Ms Mourkis says.

“They might have different kinds of lubes you can look at.

“Over video chat they do tend to show models.”

Can I only see a sex therapist in person?

While you may prefer to see a sex therapist in person, many offer phone and virtual sessions.

For Ms Mourikis, this method of therapy grew during social distancing and she says many clients enjoyed it.

“A lot of people have mentioned that is has helped them do deeper work and explore things that are a bit more difficult.”

It’s also more accessible for people with disabilities or who live in rural areas, for example.

However, Dr Ariana says some people have privacy concerns regarding virtual meetings, or find it easier to reflect with a person physically in the room.

Can more than one person attend a session?

How many people can attend a sex therapy session will be up to you and the therapist, but typically they see individuals or couples.

“I’m open to working with a polyamorous threesome,” Ms Mourikis says as an example.

How long does a session go for?

The average session is 50 minutes — which is really an hour for the therapist. They will spend 50 minutes with you and 10 minutes making notes afterwards.

Some therapy sessions may vary anywhere between 45 and 90 minutes.

How much will it cost?

Therapists commonly charge anywhere from $90 to $250 or more, depending on how long the session is, their level of expertise, where they are located (rent costs) and other factors.

“A clinical psychologist who might specialise in sexology can have a Medicare rebate,” Dr Ariana says.

Do you get homework?

Ms Mourikis might assign exercises like quizzes or reading tasks.

“Sometimes it might be a sex menu with various activities to try with your partner and figure out what you’re into.”

Dr Ariana might assign the “six-second kiss” or massage techniques.

“I give them homework about how to interact which does involve physical activity,” he says.

“Other times I might give them meditation and mindfulness tasks.”

If you’re still nervous about trying sex therapy, Ms Torney says therapists work hard at creating a relaxed and comfortable environment to help with your needs.

“People think it’s going to be awkward and uncomfortable and embarrassing — it’s not.

“Sex therapists are people very comfortable talking about sex.”

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How to Find a Sex-Positive Therapist

Some therapists advertising kink- and polyamory-friendly treatment might not be all they seem. Here’s what to look for if you’re seeking mental healthcare that doesn’t see “sexual deviance” as deviance.

by Penda N’Diaye

Layla, a 30ish queer sub who enjoys domination by her partners—her name has been changed for her privacy—has been in therapy for about five years. She first sought therapy when she divorced a long-term spouse and began exploring a relationship with a dom. Layla’s first therapist assured her that her treatment plan was “kink-friendly”—a designation Layla felt was crucial to her emotional well-being and progress. How that was expressed in practice, though, didn’t feel understanding or inclusive of Layla’s sexuality at all.

“My partner has been very key to my recovery in that he has been there both emotionally and, when I have needed him to be, in a dominant way,” she said. “But I soon realized that if I discussed my kinks or my dom/sub relationship [with my therapist], she was extremely uncomfortable with it—she told me [my dom] was controlling.”

“Once it became clear my kinks in general were an issue, I stopped telling her anything more,” Layla said. “I wasn’t ashamed of being submissive and didn’t want to change. I’m glad that I wasn’t primarily seeing my therapist about sexuality, because the emotional result may have been much more damaging.”

The widening cultural acceptance and exploration of different sexual identities, and consequently more clients and their partners needing to address questions in the context of counseling and therapy, has caused an uptick in kink- and non-monogamy-informed therapy. With this expanding market comes mental health clinicians who market their services as sex-positive—some who are qualified, and some who have little experience with kink in terms of their practice, but understand that there’s demand for kink-friendly therapy. Many of the latter variety of therapists are ill-equipped to treat these clients and rarely have the background to address inquiries surrounding kink because of their own clinical understandings of and training around deviance and mental illness, according to Psychology Today. Instead, they benefit from a growing client base —without the perspective necessary to treat them effectively.

Kink sexualities are vast and nuanced, meaning that if a client is seeking care for sexuality or if it comes up as a secondary concern, there are varying levels of kink awareness and treatment. Because kink, particularly, is often based on power dynamics, it’s easy for a clinician to pathologize these behaviors, when, in reality, they are often positive and healthy modes of sexual expression. Even if a client is actively concerned with the impact kink has on the rest of their mental health, consensual kink behavior does not equate to a mental disorder.

If a client is asking a question like, “Why am I curious to explore polyamory?” that a therapist doesn’t have the tools to properly assess, we begin to doubt ourselves, shame ourselves, feel misunderstood, and potentially be misdiagnosed, Andrea Glik, poly and kink affirming therapist, explained. When therapists misunderstand the dynamics of a kinky or polyamorous relationship, said Glik, “It makes us doubt ourselves, and it shames us, especially when this advice is coming from a perceived expert.” She said that, instead, therapists treating kinky clients need clearer tools for understanding that kink is not necessarily a response to trauma or abuse, and for being educated about how consent is managed in kink interactions and power-exchange relationships.

How Therapists Falsely Advertise Kink-Friendly and Polyamory-Friendly Treatment

It’s not enough for clinicians to just want to talk about sex openly and affirmingly. When therapists are truly informed about kink and non-monogamy, they have histories of expertise around the intricacies that come with those dynamics. The Kink Clinical Practice Guidelines Project outlines three levels of kink-affirmative therapy: “kink-friendly,” meaning having minimal kink awareness and openness to not pathologize kink behaviors, “kink-aware,” which includes clinicians that have worked with kink-identified clients and have a specific grasp of concepts and practices within kink culture, and “kink-knowledgable,” being able to affirm kink and know the difference between whether a client’s treatment needs to solely focus on kink behavior, or if it is a peripheral part of treatment. A therapist who is “kink-knowledgable” understands that consensual kinky practices do not ordinarily need to be treated as an impairment in work or life. Clinicians should not assess a client with the assumption that any concern is directly linked to kink or polyamory.

The sex therapy industry has mushroomed because of the cultural shift towards speaking more openly about sex in our society, which comes more than a century after famous sex researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson began their research on sexuality that ultimately laid the groundwork for sex therapy techniques used in the 1960s to the current day. Now, their work is criticized by researchers over the exclusion of homosexual clients and their methods of observing sexual behaviors in a laboratory (as opposed to in response to cultural and personal constructs). The discipline was rooted in a traditional view: white, cisgender, heterosexual encounters.

“Sex therapy is still a young industry,” explained Jamila Dawson, a therapist who specializes in treating LGBTQ people, poly people, and people who are involved in kink. The field is still evolving some 60 years after Masters and Johnson led early 20th century forms of sex therapy, which repressed and denigrated kinky sexual behaviors.

If someone seeks sex therapy, it benefits them to see a clinician with the same sexual experiences, Glik said. “As a queer therapist—and, also, a person who is in therapy with a queer therapist—the interrogation that I’ve done around my own sexuality, I want my therapist to have the same understanding of what that process is.” This applies to other areas of sexuality, as well, according to Glik: “Obviously, the client’s and therapist’s processes are potentially different, but there’s a level of understanding and of self-reflection around the difficulties and nuances [that come with particular kinds of sexual expression].”

Every client and clinician approaches therapy with their own history and experiences pertaining to sexuality. “I don’t think it’s so much as therapists not having their own biases, but it’s being very aware of what their biases are, and that they’ve done work around their own sexuality specifically,” said Dawson. What’s important here is that those biases don’t interfere with the assessment of a client’s behaviors that are not related to or caused by their sexuality.

According to sex educator Jimanekia Eborn, “Folks are going into a session with a therapist already nervous, possibly [with] their guards up. Who knows what it took for that person to show up, and then they get there, and you know nothing about their identity? To trick someone into thinking that they are going into a safe space is so selfish.”

If a therapist isn’t aware of the nuances of a particular community and its sexual practices, they may misinform, and even possibly harm, clients they advertise to in those communities. This is what Zoe, a 20something non-monogamist whose name has been changed for their privacy, feels is what happened when they went to therapy with their partner to navigate their poly agreements. “One of the things that is important to me about polyamory, versus other types of ethical non-monogamy, is the focus on autonomy for all parties involved, but our therapist insisted that rules were necessary,” Zoe said. “[The therapist] didn’t understand why her suggestion of what was essentially the veto system wasn’t ethical non-monogamy.”

Part of what alarmed Zoe was that the therapist also said that a lot of her other clients followed a “one-penis policy” as a successful form of polyamory. (The “policy” prohibits women—Zoe uses they/them pronouns—from having multiple sexual partners, but the same rules don’t apply for the man in the partnership.) “She continued to talk over me about how some of her polyamorous clients only have sex with people outside of their primary partner(s), but aren’t allowed emotional relationships, and I’m like, That’s an open relationship, not polyamory… I felt entirely unheard,” Zoe said.

How to Find a Kink-Friendly or Polyamory-Friendly Therapist

There are increasingly emergent ways to seek out kink-aware therapists who truly account for and affirm healthy, consensual involvement in kink. Once Layla’s therapist made it clear that they would shame her queerness and BDSM practices, she decided to look elsewhere for mental healthcare. “I found my current therapist on the National Coalition of Sexual Freedom‘s kink-friendly professionals directory,” she said, citing a resource that includes a listing of psychotherapists, medical, and legal professionals that are knowledgeable and sensitive to diverse sexualities. “[My current therapist] actually specializes in all kinds of kink/sexual identity/sexuality and relationships, as well as trauma. My experience with them has been mind-blowingly different, because I can actually tell them everything about how submitting to my dom is actually [part of] taking care of myself,” she said.

“[My therapist] is able to help me leverage my D/S to continue my healing, and it’s really amazing,” Layla continued. “So much of my comfort is in not having to be responsible for teaching someone the ‘how’ and ‘why’ of BDSM because they already understand it.”

Beginning in 2010, a group of clinicians who work with sexually stigmatized clients created a comprehensive set of guidelines for therapists that want to approach kink and other sexual identities without shame or ignorance. The Multiplicity of the Erotic, a conference created in 2012 by the Community-Academic Consortium for Research on Alternative Sexualities (CARAS) and Programs Advancing Sexual Diversity (PASD) reinforces these guidelines and promotes clinical training on alternative sexualities. The work of the clinicians that pioneered a broader scope of sex therapy is compiled as a set of kink-inclusive guidelines here.

Still, as Eborn said, “[Sex therapy] is expanding and looking more into kinks and understanding more identities. But there is so much gatekeeping in the community, and it is still really white. Those that are gatekeepers need to understand that there is enough work for all people, as well as realize where they are missing information and actually do the work.”

Therapists have a responsibility to provide accurate, community-informed care to their kink patients. To clients and experts, that means beginning with having clinicians evaluate their own biases and attitudes about kink, addressing how those can affect their interactions with clients, and making an effort to study and offer resources that pertain to kink- and poly-inclusive identities. Most important, clinicians must have the education and context to determine whether a person’s consensual kink behaviors, fantasies, or sexualities, by themselves, are directly related to their reasons for seeking therapy—or are simply their methods of sexual expression.

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What Is a Sex Therapist?

And How Can One Help Me?

Whether you’re dealing with sexual function issues or intimacy concerns, a sex therapist can help.

By Catherine Pearson

Talking about sex can be difficult for many people, and talking about sexual health problems can be even harder. Bedroom issues like sexual performance and low libido may go beyond the scope of what you would normally discuss with your primary care physician, ob-gyn, or usual therapist.

This is where sex therapists enter the picture — trained professionals who focus specifically on human sexuality and healthy sexual behavior, and who can offer compassionate, research-backed help while addressing the full range of pertinent psychological, physiological, and cultural factors in play. Think sex therapy could be helpful for you and your partner? Learn more about what sex therapists do and what a typical session may look like.

What Is Sex Therapy and What Do Sex Therapists Do?

“A sex therapist is a licensed mental health professional who has extensive education and training in sex therapy in addition to mental health,” says Neil Cannon, PhD, a Colorado-based sex therapist who serves as bylaws chair for the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT).

There are many different paths people can take to becoming a sex therapist. A sex therapist might be a psychologist or psychiatrist, a clinical social worker, a family therapist, or maybe a doctor or nurse who has psychotherapy training and who has gone on to get specialized training in sexuality and sexual functioning, intimacy, and relationships.

Those are big, broad buckets, of course. But a qualified sex therapist should be adept at addressing a wide range of concerns including (but by no means limited to): issues about sexual desire, ejaculation-related problems, trouble orgasming, painful sex, and more.

What a Session With a Sex Therapist May Look Like

Sex therapy varies significantly depending on what is being addressed and who the therapist and patient — or patients — are. So there is no standard answer for what a particular therapy session might entail or how often you will go. One thing that will not be a part of any sessions is sexual contact. Sex therapy is talk therapy.

Most sex therapists will start by getting a thorough picture of your sexual history, whether they ask for that information before you attend a session, in person, or both.

“You’re really getting a sense of what, historically, has shaped a [patient’s] sexual map or preferences,” explains Megan Fleming, PhD, a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in New York City. “And then, most importantly, what is their presenting challenge or complaint that they want to be working on.”

A sex therapist will consider what Dr. Fleming calls the “bio-psycho-social” determinants contributing to a client’s concern — meaning any potential biological, psychological, and social factors — and will work with you to create a specific treatment plan. Sex therapists may see individuals, couples, or both. Some may be comfortable starting with an individual who eventually brings in his or her partner, though Fleming says that whether a therapist does this will depend on the specific circumstances.

What a Sex Therapist May Commonly Recommend

Again, the recommendations a sex therapist gives vary dramatically from patient to patient and the issues they are addressing.

“It depends on the therapist you’re working with as well as what it is you’re looking for,” says Fleming. Sometimes you’ll see the therapist for just a handful of sessions, maybe with a tune-up down the road; other times long-term, in-depth therapy might be called for.

Expect homework, which can be a common element of sex therapy. Your sex therapist will ask you to complete specific tasks in between sessions, and then ask you or you and your partner to report back. Those homework assignments could range from communication exercises to specific sexual experimentation activities.

What Type of Training Does a Sex Therapist Receive?

Unfortunately, no regulations govern who can call themselves a sex therapist, which is why it is important to pay close attention to credentials.

“In most states, anybody can say that they’re a sex therapist — or that they do sex therapy — and the consumer has no idea whether this person has ever taken a single class, has ever gone through any training, or has been supervised around sex therapy by qualified supervisors,” warns Dr. Cannon. “So if you don’t go to a certified sex therapist, it’s buyer beware.”

AASECT requires sex therapists to have an advanced degree that includes psychotherapy training and a certain amount of clinical experience — plus 90 hours of human sexuality education, 60 hours of sex therapy training, and then extensive supervision by a qualified supervisor.

How Can I Find a Sex Therapist Near Me?

AASECT keeps a list of licensed sex therapists on its site, which Cannon recommends as a good starting point. If you live in an area where sex therapists aren’t plentiful, he says teletherapy, or virtual therapy, may be an option.

Other healthcare providers may also be able to help, like your primary care physician or a more generalized therapist who may refer you to a sexual health specialist.

If you are in a position to, you should feel empowered to shop around for a good fit.

“This is not an easy topic for people to talk about,” says Fleming. “You need to feel that the person is open-minded, they’re not judgmental, they’re going to help you explore, and they’re really trying to help you ask the right questions — but they’re not jumping in to diagnose and pathologize.”

Remember: Your sex therapist must be a good fit for you. “Therapy is really about a relationship,” she adds. “So feeling a sense of security and safety — those are really important pieces.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Does “Sex Positive” Mean?

If you’ve got an open and non-judgmental mind when it comes to sex, you’re on the right track.

By Carina Hsieh

The term “sex positive” is used to describe an attitude towards sex that’s well, positive, and judgment-free. Contrary to what you might think, being sex positive doesn’t necessarily mean you’re kinky AF (although you can be), but is more of an umbrella term used to describe an open attitude when it comes to all things sexual.

“Sex-positivity can be defined in many different ways but generally refers to an attitude and approach to sex that prioritizes personal agency and preferences and minimizes moral judgments,” says Jess O’Reilly, PhD, and resident sexologist for Astroglide.

One of the most important factors about sex-positivity is the idea that sex can be used for pleasure and not just procreation, explains Robert Thomas, a sexologist and co-founder of Sextopedia.

Another important aspect of sex-positivity is the ability to talk freely about sex, without shame or judgment towards yourself or others. “Sex positivity views sex as one of the best things in life and doesn’t demonize it in any way or attempt to make anyone feel guilty for their urges and desires,” explains Alex Miller, sexologist at Orchid Toys. A sex-positive person doesn’t judge others for their sexual desires or fetishes, and instead keeps an open mind.

And yes, you can be totally sex-positive if you identify as vanilla and personally don’t engage in kinky sex. “You, or other adults around you, can choose if, when, how, and with whom they want to have sex, and not be judged about their decisions,” adds Thomas. As long as you’re not judging other people for their proclivities between consenting adults, you’re sex-positive.

You can also be sex-positive without even having had sex, says O’Reilly. As long as you acknowledge that sexuality evolves and exists on a spectrum. This spectrum can include anything ranging from consensual non-monogamy to abstinence and everything in between.

It might also help to think of sex-positivity as similar to freedom of speech. Someone who believes in freedom of speech may not personally hold every contentious opinion in the land, but their underlying belief that others should be able to have clashing opinions or beliefs that don’t align with theirs is key.

“The sex positivity movement is very closely related to the sentiment of Voltaire…’I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it,'” adds Tami Rose, owner of Romantic Adventures.

Translated for a sex-positive crowd, their version would be something like: “I may not enjoy what you do, but as long as it is going on between consenting adults and is not damaging or endangering anyone… rock on,” explains Rose.

In short, think of sex-positivity as the celebration of freedom of choice, as O’Reilly calls it. Being sex-positive is an attitude that embraces personal agency and choice and respects the sexual decisions made between consenting adults.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!