Category: Sex-Positive Therapist

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What makes for a ‘great’ sex life?

— Research into intimacy upends many popular notions about sexual fulfillment. One hint: It’s more about connection than technique.

By Nicola Jones

The unhappiest time in a sex therapist’s office is around Valentine’s Day, says Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz, a professor in the faculty of medicine at the University of Ottawa. “It’s the day where I see the most miserable couples, the most distressed couples,” she says.

High pressure and expectations can prove an explosive combination for people already struggling with their sex lives. Sex, it turns out, isn’t as easy or simple as popular culture might lead us to believe.

Kleinplatz, trained as a clinical psychologist and sex therapist, has spent many years untangling the many reasons for sexual dissatisfaction. In 2018, she authored a review of the history of treatment of female dysfunctions in the Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, examining the controversial ways in which women’s sexuality in particular has been viewed and treated over the decades, and what might be the best way forward. She is director of the Optimal Sexual Experiences research team at the University of Ottawa; in 2020, she coauthored the book Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers, inspired by findings from her long-term study of couples.

The recommendations from her and her colleagues’ research about how to build a more connected, fulfilling sex life are now being fine-tuned and rolled out on sex therapists’ couches. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

One reason couples wind up in your office is a mismatch in desire: Perhaps one partner wants sex multiple times a day, and another less than once a month. How common is this?

This is the most common presenting problem in the offices of sex therapists.

The reason couples show up in our offices is not because of a problem in one or in the other, but because there’s a discrepancy between them, which we refer to as sexual desire discrepancy.

This can be problematic because sexuality represents such a central part of one’s identity. The feelings of rejection when your partner doesn’t feel like having sex, and the feelings of obligation when you don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings, are enormous. A lot of couples end up resting their self-concept on whether or not they’re matching up well with their partner in terms of desire and frequency.

Let’s look at both sides of that coin. First, we have people with a very high sex drive. Is that a “disorder”?

If we look at the early editions of the diagnostic manual known as the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) from the American Psychiatric Association in the 1950s, it listed problems of having too much desire. In women, this was referred to as nymphomania; the corresponding diagnosis for men is satyriasis. The diagnosis of nymphomania in a woman was fairly serious. A possible treatment for it in the 1950s was electroconvulsive therapy or frontal lobotomy. Men who had lots and lots of sex, and lots and lots of sexual desire, were generally not given a diagnosis and instead perceived as normal.

Then along comes the sexual revolution. And all of a sudden, the idea that “too much” was pathological was jettisoned. In 1980, the DSM-III got rid of the diagnoses of too much desire and replaced them with the diagnosis of too little desire. Theoretically, our diagnoses are supposed to be objective, empirical, value-free. But the history of how we diagnose reveals a great deal about sexual and social values.

How has the clinical perception of low desire changed over time for men and women?

In 1980, the DSM authors also said, “We need to do something about the gender bias that was there in the first DSM and DSM-II.” From 1987, they called it “hypoactive sexual desire disorder” for both men and women, when low desire causes distress.

But by the time we get to the DSM-V of 2013, they changed their minds again. They decided to have erectile dysfunction and hypoactive sexual desire disorder, separate, for men. But for women, they said to collapse them to “female sexual interest/arousal disorder.”

Low sex desire might simply be good judgment. “It’s rational to have low desire for undesirable sex.”

Was this decision to lump together desire and arousal a good idea? And by desire, we are talking about the frequency of wanting sex or having sexual fantasies; by arousal, we mean the physiological and psychological response to sexual stimuli.

I think it’s the obligation of clinicians to tease things apart. If you were to walk into your physician’s office and say, “I have a stomachache,” it’s the physician’s job to figure out if you ate something that gave you food poisoning, or if you’ve got an ulcer, or if you’ve got some kind of cancer in your abdomen, right? So I think that when it comes to sexual problems, it’s equally important for the onus to be on the clinician to tease out whether it’s a problem related to arousal or desire, regardless of whether your patient is male, female, trans, non-binary, etcetera.

Some clinicians might recommend compromise in a couple facing sexual desire discrepancy. Is that a good idea?

That is ill-advised. Neither partner is getting what’s actually desired. What clinicians will end up with is resentful patients who don’t trust their judgment.

One of the reasons it doesn’t work is because the clinician is being trapped into treating a symptom of a problem, framed in terms of frequency, rather than getting to the heart of what this symptom represents. It might represent an interpersonal problem, such as difficulty managing conflict. Or it might have to do with the quality of the sex itself.

“The focus of most research has been how to take bad sex and make it less bad.”

What looks like a problem of low sexual desire might be evidence of good judgment, perhaps even good taste. If I asked you to think about the last time you had sex, and what feelings come up inside of you, what I’m interested in is the extent to which the feelings that are brought forth within you are more like anticipation, as in “I want more of that,” or more like dread. It’s rational to have low desire for undesirable sex.

If the problem is bad sex, and the solution is better sex — magnificent sex, even! — has there been much scholarly research about that?

The focus of most research has been how to take bad sex and make it less bad. But most people don’t want sex that’s merely “not bad,” or that is mediocre. Most people want sex that makes them feel alive in one another’s embrace. In 2005, our research team began to study people who were having deeply fulfilling sexual encounters. We wanted to study what they were doing right, so that we could learn from them.

Who were these people — whom did you speak with?

Based on my clinical experience, some of the people who had impressed me most were people in their 60s, 70s and 80s who — because of life changes, perhaps disease, or disability, or becoming empty nesters or losing someone close to them — had to reinvent sex. It occurred to me to study other people who’ve been marginalized, who had similarly been forced to reinvent, redefine or re-envision sex.

And so we studied various kinds of sexual-, gender- and relationship-minority individuals: people in their 60s, 70s and 80s; people who are LGBTQ+; people who were in consensually non-monogamous relationships, people who are into kink, etc. All of these people had had to make conscious choices about what they wanted their sex lives to look like.

For the very first study, which we describe in our book, we studied 75 people, interviewing each for 42 minutes to nearly two hours.

What did you learn about magnificent sex? Is it all about orgasms?

Contrary to what we hear in the mainstream media that great sex is all about tips and tricks and techniques and toys that culminate in earth-shattering orgasm, among the individuals we have studied and have come to call “extraordinary lovers,” orgasms were neither necessary nor sufficient components of “magnificent sex.” The qualities that made sex worth wanting were deeper, and less technique-focused.

Each erotic experience is different, but virtually all the extraordinary lovers described the same eight components and seven facilitating factors.

What were these components and facilitating factors?

Two of the components that people tended to mention fairly often were being embodied, absorbed in the moment, really present and alive; and being in sync with and connected to the other person, so merged that you couldn’t tell where one person started and the other person stopped. It’s quite something to be fully embodied within, while simultaneously really in sync with, another human being.

The other components included: erotic intimacy, empathic communication, being authentic, vulnerability, exploring risk-taking and fun, and transcendence. By empathic communication, I don’t just mean verbal communication; I mean being so in tune with your partner that you can practically feel in your own skin the way that your partner wants to be touched most. One participant described transcendence as: “An expe­rience of floating in the universe of light and stars and music and sublime peace.”

Were there revealing differences between, say, men and women?

When one partner wants more — or less — sex than the other, compromise is not the answer.

In the literature they often presume, and maybe even have evidence for, differences between men and women, the young and the old, the LGBTQ versus the straight, the monogamous versus the non-monogamous, etcetera. But in our research, we found that the experience of what we have come to call “magnificent sex” was indistinguishable between these different groups.

There were only two people — me and my then-doctoral student Dana Ménard, now Dr. Dana Ménard at the University of Windsor — who knew who was whom. All the other members of the research team saw only de-identified, written transcripts. And they would look at the transcripts and make assumptions about the participant’s identity and their guesses were inaccurate. The people they thought were men turned out to be women, people they thought were kinky were people who identified instead as vanilla, and vice versa. What it takes to make a person glow in the dark was virtually universal among our participants.

Did you hear any particularly striking stories?

There was one couple that we interviewed, for example, who were both in their 70s, semi-retired. These individuals said: “We used to have sex three times a week. Well, we’re in our 70s now, so we only have sex once a week. When we get home from work on Thursday, we head into our kitchen to begin ‘foreplay’: chop up fruits, vegetables, enough healthy things so that we have enough food to last us until we go back to work on Monday morning, without ever having to get out of bed. We don’t have to do the dishes. We don’t have anything else to do except to have sex with each other for three-and-a-half days. So, we only have sex once a week now. But it lasts from Thursday afternoon until Monday morning.”

That’s an extraordinary example, but it really speaks to a recurring theme in your book of being willing to devote considerable energy, time and dedication to the pursuit of a good sex life.

Yes. One of the myths that we hear constantly in the mainstream media is that sex should be natural and spontaneous. And we see that same myth reiterated in porn. The reality is that extraordinary lovers choose to devote time and energy to this most valued of their pursuits. That’s a crucial lesson for all of us. Great lovers are made, not born.

Has your research led to clinical applications?

Around 2012, we started to study: How might we take the lessons from the extraordinary lovers and apply them to couples who were suffering from sexual desire discrepancy? And could it actually help them?

A lot of psychotherapy is expensive. And it’s out of reach of people with limited budgets or limited insurance. Given that one of the foundations of our work as a research team has been social justice, we decided to be as inclusive as possible by setting up group therapy. We developed an eight-week intervention helping couples to become more vulnerable, authentic, playful and so on.

Does it work?

We now have spent 10 years researching this — and, it works. That’s the short version.

“Extraordinary lovers choose to devote time and energy to this most valued of their pursuits.”

On two psychometric scales of sexual satisfaction and fulfillment, we find clinically meaningful and statistically significant change in couples from the beginning of the intervention to the end. But the really valuable thing is that the changes seem to be sustained six months later: There are enduring changes in their sexual fulfillment. Participants describe marked improvements in trust, creativity, embodiment, negotiation of consent and empathic communication.

How did the pandemic affect your work?

Even in the first year of pandemic we were hearing that there were more and more couples struggling, because they were home 24/7, working from home 24/7, taking care of their kids 24/7. Marriages were strained.

We moved the group therapy online, using a platform compliant with HIPAA (the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act) for the sake of security and confidentiality. And our data, much, to my astonishment, showed that the online group therapy is every bit as effective, which makes it even more accessible to more people. It means that they don’t have to pay for parking, pay for babysitters, worry about winter driving or how to find a sex therapist in the middle of Iowa. We’re now training people all over the world who are getting the same effective outcomes.

What’s your focus on now? Any new projects in the works?

Our focus now is on offering this approach to therapy for another group of people who may really need it: couples facing cancer. Cancer itself can be devastating to a person’s sex life, as can chemotherapy, radiation and the surgeries that are often required to save people’s lives. So that’s our current endeavor: applying what we’ve learned during Covid-19 about the effectiveness of online group therapy to couples facing cancer at every stage from diagnosis through survivorship. Why not embrace life for as long as we live?

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Okay, What Can You *Actually* Learn in Sex Therapy?

— Well, for starters, it can go way beyond just how to improve your sex life. Here’s what sex therapists (and real patients) want you to know.

By Madeline Howard

Pop culture tends to portray sex therapy like that unforgettable scene in Meet The Fockers where Ross teaches a sex workshop—an over-sexualized space where an instructor helps you and your partner get into different tantric positions. And while there’s a time and a place for those experiences (there is such a thing as sex coaching, for example) that’s not *exactly* what a sex therapist can do for you IRL.

By definition, sex therapy is a specialized area of psychotherapy, explains AASECT-certified sex therapist Jenni Skyler, PhD, director of The Intimacy Institute. Usually, that specialization is in relationship therapy with a focus on sexuality and intimacy, which is why a regular therapist doesn’t always have the background to address these issues with the depth the patient might need. (However, some therapists are also trained in sex therapy and can offer additional services!)

People can see sex therapists either alone or with their partner(s), and sessions are often about working through sexual functioning, desire discrepancies or mismatches, sexual identity, healing from affairs, restarting sexless relationships, and more, Skyler says. All in all, there are many reasons you can go, and the sessions take place in a typical therapist’s office or medical setting—not a sex dungeon.

This means that sex therapy (like regular therapy!) can also be covered by health insurance depending on your provider. You can expect to pay anywhere from $30 to $450 per session, the cost of which is determined by the scope of your needs, the professional you go to, whether you attend alone or with a partner, and most likely, your insurance type.

And also like with regular therapy, the length of time you go is different for everyone. You shouldn’t expect for one session to solve all your problems, but you don’t need to go forever. “I measure my success on my ability to fire myself,” jokes Sykler. “It’s great when I can graduate people.”

Overall, sex therapy is misunderstood, but it shouldn’t be. That’s why we asked both real sex therapists and people who’ve attended sex therapy themselves to explain what you can gain from the experience. If you’re considering going to sex therapy and have been on the fence because you don’t know what to expect, consider this your everything-to-know guide.

What Actually Is Sex Therapy, and How Is It Different from Sexual Surrogacy or Sex Coaching?

Despite what you might think, “there is no physical touch or sexual relationship between the therapist and the client during sex therapy,” explains sex therapist Daniella Acker, LCSW, who practices at Wise Therapy in Brooklyn, New York, and sees a sex therapist personally.

“It’s actually incredibly important when you’re talking about sex and sexuality with your patients that there are defined boundaries that make people feel safe,” given the vulnerable subject matter, they explain. It’s basically just like walking into a regular therapist’s office, except that “we have skills and tools to talk specifically about sex comfortably with our patients,” Acker says.

There are other domains of client work where physical touch or hands-on coaching may come into play, like sex coaching or sexual surrogacy, but they’re not the same as sex therapy, specifically. “That’s where the media gets it wrong,” says Skyler.

Sexual surrogacy is when someone with a disability that inhibits them from traditional dating or sex seeks out professional support from a specialist who can help them learn how to be intimate through physically practicing with them, Skyler says.

Also different from a sex therapist, a sex coach “may enter your bedroom and guide you or couples in the moment. Some sex coaches even touch their clients, and for some people who don’t mind having a third person guide them in the bedroom, these experts can be valuable,” Skyler explains.

While these types of services can be helpful for those who seek them out, it’s important to distinguish them from sex therapy—which is different in both practice and in training.

How Do You Find a Sex Therapist?

There are a few different ways you can go about finding a sex therapist. If you have insurance, you can call your insurance company and ask for a list of therapists they cover. This information is also often found online, depending on your provider.

You can also search Psychology Today’s “Find a Therapist” directory, or the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists’s (AASECT) “Find a Professional” feature. If you already see a regular therapist or licensed clinical social worker, they might be able to refer you to a colleague. Your general doctor might also have a connection that works for you.

When looking for a sex therapist, it’s important to take your time. You want to make sure they’re someone you mesh well with and who you can feel comfortable opening up to about various intimate details. Don’t be afraid to tell a them you don’t feel it’s a right fit—it’s part of their job! A good therapist will want you to work with someone you feel 100 percent good about.

You Don’t Have to Be in a Relationship to Go to Sex Therapy.

Single people commonly attend to address sexual dysfunction (which can be related to chronic health issues), past abuse, premature ejaculation, erectile issues, pain, trouble reaching orgasm, and more, Skyler says. They may be partnered and trying to better understand their sexuality in order to improve their relationship, or they’re single and want to work on personal growth.

“I started going to sex therapy when my relationship with my current partner started getting more serious, and I found past religious and relationship trauma getting in the way of sex and intimacy both with him and during solo sessions,” explains Sarah, 26, a writer and fitness instructor who currently attends sex therapy on a monthly basis. Her partner attends her sessions on occasion, but largely, sex therapy is something she does on her own.

It’s also important to note the role that sexual identity can play in sex therapy, too. Whether you’re queer or you’re someone who has sex with queer individuals, sex therapy can be a helpful way to explore your own sexuality. Why? “Sex therapists are able to hold space for the complexity of sex, that it’s not just for straight people or between a cisgender woman and a cisgender man,” Acker says.

Sex Therapy Can Be Hugely Beneficial for Couples.

There’s tons you can unpack in sex therapy with a partner, including navigating a sexless relationship, fostering desire, mismatched sex drives, lower libidos, lifestyle changes like open relationships, and more, Skyler explains.

“For many years, my partner and I were struggling with a lack of intimacy and sexual satisfaction in our relationship,” explains Galia, 30, a cleaning service founder. “Despite our love for each other, we were facing difficulties in our sexual relationship and feeling frustrated and disconnected.” While sex therapy did improve their sex life, it also helped them in other areas. “We gained a deeper understanding of each other and our relationship,” she says, and she’s “confident about building an even stronger bond” in the future.

Additionally, sex therapy can also help you normalize healthy communication, since you’re in a safe space where that kind of communication is not just encouraged, but also necessary in order to see progress.

“You want couples to be vocal and verbal with each other about what they find pleasurable or arousing,” explains AASECT-certified sex therapist Janet Brito, PhD, founder of the Hawaii Center for Sexual and Relationship Health. “Then, you want them to prioritize their sexual relationship in their everyday life.”

Overall, Skyler says a sex therapist’s goal is to “support the couple toward a harmonious future, emotionally and sexually,” and that future can look different for everyone.

Sex Therapy Can Be Helpful for Trauma Healing.

Sarah, who was raised in a conservative Christian home, says her upbringing “distorted my image of womanhood, my body, healthy relationships, and sex.”

“I wasn’t able to experience true pleasure, and my maturity level around sex was so low that I couldn’t even verbalize fantasies, boundaries, desires, or anything to my partner,” she says, despite trusting him. Through sex therapy, she wanted to figure out what sex meant to her when separated from her past.

Sarah’s situation is common—many people go to sex therapy to heal from trauma, specifically when it’s stopping them from experiencing sex to its fullest potential, Acker explains. This trauma can include anything from physical or sexual abuse, religion, toxic relationships, and more.

This past trauma can manifest both emotionally and physically, from experiencing vaginal pain during intercourse, to feeling triggered during certain forms of touch, Acker says. Like Sarah, it can also make you unable to verbalize your needs.

If you are going to sex therapy for trauma healing, you might also benefit from seeing the therapist for a longer period of time, Brito says. But all in all, know that there’s hope. “I continue to see my sex therapist once a month, and we cover everything from religious trauma, to masturbation, to relationship miscommunications, to confidence,” Sarah says. “Ultimately, I’ve learned to be more gentle with myself instead of judging myself for my sheltered past and naivety around sex.”

You Don’t Need to Have a Sex Issue to Go to Sex Therapy.

Just like with regular therapy, you don’t need to have experienced trauma or be dealing with sexual dysfunction to go. It’s fine if you’re just curious about pleasure (or pain) and you’d like someone to speak with. “If you have a body, you can come to sex therapy and find something to explore,” Acker says.

But whether you go alone or with a partner, make sure you’re fully committed to the practice—especially if you’re targeting something specific. “This requires motivation to find insights to your issues and working with the tools your therapist suggests to make the changes you need,” Skyler explains.

Have Patience and Be Kind to Yourself.

Remember that this process can be trying—but worth it! “I know it’s really cheesy, but sex therapy changes people’s lives,” Acker says, especially since intimacy and sexuality can be such a taboo subject for many. Get inspired to make changes, but know that it can still take time to see transformations take place. Don’t rush yourself through this! The end result will be worth it—trust.

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Let’s Talk About Intimacy

— Cyndi Darnell, a sex therapist and clinical sexologist, teaches couples how to experience more “pleasure and joy” in their relationships.

“There is a big difference between sex and intimacy,” said Cyndi Darnell, a sex therapist based in Manhattan, who works with couples to help enhance their sex lives.

By Alix Strauss

When it comes to sex, everyone seems to struggle, says Cyndi Darnell, a clinical sexologist, sex therapist and relationship coach based in Manhattan.

“No one receives sex and relationship education,” she said, “so people have confused sex education with reproduction. We’re also told sex is natural, and therefore, we don’t need to teach it. If it were natural, no one would struggle with it.”

In her new book “Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It: The Truth about Mismatched Libido and Rediscovering Desire,” Ms. Darnell, 51, an Australian native, invites couples to reflect on why sex matters to them.

“I wrote the book because sex is profoundly misunderstood in our culture,” she said.

She works with both couples and individuals virtually in her practice, which includes “arousal, erotic experience and personal reflection regarding how your body feels,” said Ms. Darnell of her education and therapeutic based work. She charges $250 for a 45-minute session for an individual, and $500 for a 90-minute couples session.

“I teach people how their bodies work from a pleasure perspective, and how to identify what makes sex meaningful for them,” she said. “Then I give them the skills they need to navigate the difficulties they face while creating a richer sex life that’s fulfilling so they can experience more pleasure and joy.”

Her services include everything from a one-question email option, which costs $190; online courses that start at $27; to a private couples retreat weekend, which usually takes place at a yoga or dance studio, for $8,000.

How are you different from a couple’s counselor or a therapist?

This is not meeting two or three times a week for years, looking into your childhood or your past. This is a virtual coaching experience that is usually 10 to 20 sessions, focusing on your present and your sexual future. We talk about their history of sex, what’s been good, what are they struggling with, how they would identify the challenges and help them see they are not broken. Together we strive to increase their eroticism with each other and their embodied experience of sex.

How do your sessions work?

Through talking and teaching people how to touch each other in a way that is meaningful to them — usually illustrating that with the use of puppets — they learn to connect with their own sensations and how to communicate that with their partner. I give them homework and activities to try by themselves or with each other, from breathing practices to erotic massage techniques that they would then practice on each other.

I also introduce skills that put them in touch with what their bodies are craving. Once they have a solid understanding of how their bodies respond to pleasure, I invite them to practice privately, asking them to notice what pleasure feels like in their bodies physiologically and what their internal narrative is like. Usually it’s negative: “I shouldn’t be feeling like this,” or “I’m taking too long.” This derails people’s capacity to hold pleasure because it produces panic or anxiety.

A lot of the practice is around remaining mindful and connected to their own pleasure and what feels good to them while being attentive to what’s going on, and what they’re experiencing. That takes practice.

You offer a one-question email option. Why?

Sometimes people want an answer to a specific problem or issue like, Why do I have trouble orgasming? or Why don’t I feel connected to my partner during sex? I answer that in a five- or six-page response that includes suggestions to links, podcasts, books, videos, resources, and exercises or activities to try. What they are really asking is, Am I normal? That’s the theme.

What do your weekend retreats entail?

These are for couples I’ve worked with before who hire me for private retreats. Over the past decade I’ve done this with 40 to 50 couples. Everyone is vetted, there’s an application form. And couples have to like each other. It’s not relationship therapy, it’s intimacy and sexuality coaching for couples that want an experience, a place inside themselves in the presence of their partner that they will remember for the rest of their lives.

Over the next 48 hours couples are introduced to a variety of techniques that awaken and inspire erotic connection. These include breath work, erotic massage and sensation play. We also expand the possibilities of what sex can be for that couple, which involves teaching arousal and connectivity for their entire bodies.

Clothing remains on, unless they are working on their homework in the privacy of their weekend living quarters.

How do you define intimacy, and how is it created?

Intimacy is not sex — they are very separate things. Intimacy is a profound dance of self inquiry, a willingness to see and be seen, to expose yourself to yourself, and then accept who you are. Doing that with another person comes second. Most people can’t do that. It’s a high-risk activity. And it doesn’t mean your partner is going to do it back, which is why there’s so much uncertainty.

These are different qualities that we bring to sex. We can have both, but we can also have one and not the other. Not everyone wants sex with intimacy or intimacy with sex.

What are some other misconceptions about intimacy and sex?

That good sex is spontaneous, simultaneous, and mutually orgasmic — that’s a lie. That sex is intercourse — also a lie. That desire is essential to have good sex. It’s not. And that men and women are profoundly different, not true. That’s a narrative that derails heterosexuals.

That most people have never experienced meaningful touch and don’t know what that is. That they do not know what produces satisfaction for them. And they can’t tell you what makes sex feel good or memorable. People want to feel a particular, physical, emotional way that is unique to them — say big and powerful, special or safe, seen and understood, validated and valued. These are the reasons people have partnered sex.

What advice can you offer to couples who might be struggling?

Getting comfortable asking for what you want helps tremendously, because when we can speak our truth to a lover, we have a greater chance of finding the satisfaction we seek from sex. You might not get what you want, but the practice of asking is revolutionary for people.

Be attentive to who’s benefiting from whatever it is you’re doing. If I’m pretending that it’s for you when it’s actually for me, then the sex is going to be terrible, as it creates a creepy power dynamic.

Slow sex is really useful. If you rush, you’re feeding your anxiety. If you can slow it down, your body has time to respond to your nervous system, and your brain has time to sync up with your sensations. Don’t make sex goal oriented, rather give yourself permission to feel good.

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It’s Tough to Talk to Your Partner About Sex.

— Here’s How to Start.

First, simply acknowledge that you have it, says sex therapist Vanessa Marin. Then move on to some compliments.

By Catherine Pearson

Vanessa Marin has dedicated her career to discussing the most private details of other people’s sex lives. But, for a long time, she found it hard to talk about her own.

In a new book, “Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life,” the sex therapist, 38, admits that she faked orgasms for 10 years because she couldn’t bring herself to tell partners what she liked. Things improved when she met her husband, Xander Marin, now 37, but once the initial excitement wore off, the pair found themselves in front of an expensive couples counselor, struggling to articulate why their sex life sometimes felt disappointing.

Today, the Marins have parlayed their radical honesty and relatability into a business centered around sexual education, with a popular podcast, a suite of online courses and more than 300,000 followers on Instagram. Ms. Marin paints herself as someone who has often felt awkward and unsure in the bedroom, despite her professional credentials. Mr. Marin, who is not a therapist, says he offers a nonexpert perspective on what it takes to get more comfortable talking about sex.

“So many of us feel alone when we’re struggling with sex,” Ms. Marin explained. “Like, I must be broken; I must be the only person going through this; everyone else has a great sex life. So it feels important to me to lead with vulnerability.”

The book, which the Marins co-wrote, is based on a simple — and, they acknowledge, well-trodden — conceit: Many sex problems stem from poor communication. Yet people seldom get specific and structured advice about how to have those conversations, the Marins believe. The book’s five sex talks are centered around acknowledgment (“sex is a thing, and we have it”), connection, desire, pleasure and exploration.

“I’ve never had a relationship in which I talked about sex as openly, honestly or frequently as I now do with Xander. I’ve also never had a relationship in which the sex was as deeply intimate and wildly satisfying as it is now,” Ms. Marin writes. “I don’t think those two things are coincidences.”

Here’s what Ms. Marin had to say about why it can feel so daunting to talk about sex with our partners and about how to get started.

Questions and answers have been edited and condensed for clarity.

You write that most of us don’t talk about sex often, if at all, with the person who regularly sees us naked. How do you suggest people start those conversations?

A big mistake people make is either they never talk about sex, or the only time they do acknowledge it is when there is a problem, so you sit down to have one of those “we need to talk” conversations. What we tell people is to incorporate talking about sex into their lives on a more regular basis. We recommend you start with giving compliments.

Try giving a compliment about your partner’s physical attractiveness, or the attraction that you feel for them throughout the day. It could be something really tame like: “You look nice today” or “Your eyes are really beautiful.” You can also offer some sort of compliment about the connection you feel. If you’re giving them a hug hello or goodbye, you say, “It feels so good to be in your arms.”

Compliments are an easy way to start talking about sex more openly. There are no goals to those conversations. You’re not trying to accomplish anything. You’re not making any requests or raising any complaints. There’s a little flirtation in it.

You do write a lot about the importance of flirting and trying to create a sense of anticipation around sex. Why is that so important, and what if that kind of flirtation just isn’t part of a couple’s relationship anymore?

Many of us have this expectation that we should feel desire spontaneously out of nowhere, in the exact same moment our partner does. But that’s just not how it works in real life. We write about an idea called the “sex drive simmer,” which is about finding ways to maintain some of the sense of tension and anticipation that you may have had early on in your relationship throughout the day.

One thing a couple can do is exchange flirty text messages, and that doesn’t mean that you’re constantly texting back and forth. It could be something simple like, “Looking forward to seeing you later.” Another thing that we love telling couples to do is to make a playlist of songs that get them in the mood. Just playing that in the background can also be a great way to keep that tension alive.

Part of the book focuses on building a foundation of sexual self-awareness, so people get to know what they enjoy and can eventually share that with a partner. What’s a good first step?

I think anyone can think about the question: What does good sex mean to me? Try to be as detailed as you can about it and to come up with as many answers as you can.

You can kind of trace the arc of a sexual experience so: What is it that you like to feel leading up to sex? (Like, I like it when we’ve had some quality time together already that day.) It can get into how you like sex to be initiated. It could get into what kind of environment you like sex to happen in, and what energy you like to feel during sex. Is it passionate? Is it intimate? Is it safe? Silly? What do you like after?

It’s very easy for us to focus on the problems with our sex life and our frustrations with it and not flip that around to ask: Well, what is it that I actually want?

You write a lot about awkwardness. For instance, you tell people who worry if it will feel strange to start having sex again after a dry spell that it probably will. And you write that awkwardness is the price of admission for good sex. Why?

When you see sex portrayed on TV or in the movies, everything flows, everything looks beautiful and perfect. But sex is a very awkward thing. Maybe you try a new position and it doesn’t feel very good, or you can’t figure it out. We really love just turning that on its head and saying it’s not something to be afraid of or embarrassed about, it’s something to embrace. If you anticipate awkwardness, that brings that pressure way down.

There’s no way to grow up without some amount of sexual shame. We all have embarrassment that comes up around sex. We have areas of our sex life that we don’t want to talk about. We’re all in the same boat together in that sense. But it can make such a big difference in your life individually, and in your relationship, if you can tackle that head on.

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5 Signs You May Need Marriage Counseling

— Relationship guidance from a professional can help with communication, intimacy and trust

You and your spouse used to vibe like peanut butter and jelly. But now, you seem to come together like oil and water. You may have different expectations and ideas when it comes to your marriage, parenting styles and finances.

So, is it time to send for reinforcements — in the form of marriage counseling?

Admitting you need help can be both scary and humbling. But it can also lead you to a happy ending: a healthy relationship built on open communication.

Clinical psychologist Adam Borland, PsyD, shines a light on relationship red flags and answers your marriage counseling questions.

What is marriage counseling?

Marriage counseling is when partners seek outside help in their relationship, typically from a licensed mental health provider.

During a session, you’ll talk about any issues or problems you’re experiencing in your relationship. Marriage counseling can be helpful for any stage — whether you’re in a new relationship or have been in one for years. Some couples even go to pre-marriage counseling or premarital counseling to learn communication skills and how to solve problems that may arise.

And when it comes to couples therapy vs. marriage counseling, Dr. Borland says the terms are often used interchangeably and that the goal of both forms of talk therapy is resolving problems and working on one’s relationship.

To have a healthy relationship, Dr. Borland refers to three important tenets: good communication, honesty and trust. Marriage counseling can help you restore — or even establish — all three.

Marriage counseling can:

  • Improve communication so you both feel heard, understood and connected.
  • Strengthen the emotional bond between partners.
  • Increase cooperation.
  • Reduce stress.

And don’t think of marriage counseling as a sign that you’ve failed at your marriage or relationship. In fact, seeking professional help can make your bond stronger.

5 signs you may need marriage counseling

Marriages are like fingerprints — no two are the same. Each partner brings a set of hopes, dreams, personality quirks and family baggage to the relationship. And when you mix those factors together, it can be fireworks, a firestorm or both. That’s why Dr. Borland says there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to figuring out the best time to seek help.

“Earlier is generally better, but it depends on the couple’s relationship dynamic,” he notes. “Finances, therapist availability, and societal and cultural variables can play a role in a couple’s decision to pursue therapy.”

By paying attention to these signs, Dr. Borland says you may be able to pull out of the fire before your house burns down.

You struggle to communicate

Does this sound familiar to you? Your home is either really loud (from all the yelling) or very quiet (silent treatment, anyone?).

If so, it might be helpful to have a trained professional assess the situation and give you and your partner guidance on how to effectively talk to each other and work through issues.

“It’s not uncommon for couples to feel as though they’re having the same argument over and over again,’” says Dr. Borland.

There’s a lack of physical or emotional intimacy

Your relationship used to be filled with passion and lots of love. But if you’ve seen (and felt) the romance fizzle, it could be helpful to have someone recommend strategies that focus on each other like having a dedicated date night.

“I’ve had couples describe feeling more like roommates with minimal intimacy or sexual chemistry, rather than spouses,” he adds.

The trust has been broken

You suspect your partner is lying. Or you know that you definitely are. Perhaps there’s been infidelity. But cheating comes in many forms.

“Infidelity isn’t based solely on sexual behavior,” explains Dr. Borland. “Relationship trust can be broken through online communication or while using social media.”

During marriage counseling, you can work through your trust issues and determine whether that trust can be re-established.

You’ve gone through a major life change

“The birth of a child, the death of a loved one, moving homes, a new job or retirement — these changes have a huge impact on your marriage,” states Dr. Borland.

Being able to navigate changes in your life together is important, and during marriage counseling, you can learn techniques that help you and your partner settle into your new normal.

And if those major life changes affect others in your family like children, it might be a good idea to go to marriage and family counseling so everyone in your home has a chance to express their feelings and learn techniques on how to cope.

One of you has an addiction

This can be a scary situation. “An addiction to drugs, alcohol, gambling, pornography, spending or other problematic behaviors can put a significant strain on a relationship,” says Dr. Borland.

It can be difficult to know how to approach a loved one, as you may feel anger and resentment toward your partner. Or if you’re the one with a substance abuse disorder or addiction, it can be hard to admit that you need help. But working with a marriage counselor can lead to open and honest conversations.

How effective is marriage counseling?

So, does marriage counseling work?

According to the American Psychological Association, marriage counseling works about 75% of the time. Those in abusive relationships and those already actively separating make up a big portion of the remaining 25%.

“There are plenty of couples whose marriages have been strengthened and saved by marriage counseling,” reassures Dr. Borland. “I remember one couple telling me, ‘We’re laughing more. We’re doing things that are fun.’ And who doesn’t want more fun in their life?”

Marriage counseling can be worth it. You’ll not only learn how to communicate better, but you’ll also learn how to handle conflict (because let’s be honest, you’re still going to have an occasional disagreement).

What to do if your partner refuses to go to marriage counseling

It’s not uncommon to have one person in a relationship who refuses or is hesitant about going to marriage counseling.

In that case, it can be tricky to resolve issues, says Dr. Borland. If your partner has never been to therapy, it can be helpful to explain how it works and the benefits you may both receive.

If your partner is worried about how your relationship might change, remind them that the goal is to make your relationship stronger.

And when you do start marriage counseling, you may become frustrated that your partner is refusing to be open about their feelings. Dr. Borland says this is common and that you need to be patient.

“It can take several sessions before someone feels comfortable enough to openly share their feelings,” he says.

If your partner isn’t interested in seeking help, you can also consider going to therapy solo where you can develop strategies that make you an effective communicator and listener.

How to find the best marriage counselor for your relationship

Now that you’ve decided to give marriage counseling a try, you may be wondering how to find a marriage counselor.

Finding the right counselor can feel like looking for a needle in a haystack. Dr. Borland suggests these resources:

Once you identify the person who will hear your deepest, darkest secrets, Dr. Borland recommends giving it three or four sessions before passing judgment. It’s important that you and your partner both feel comfortable with who you pick. And honestly, it could take talking to a few different professionals before you find the right fit. But it’s worth the effort.

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What It Really Means To Be Sex Positive

— And Why It Matters

It’s all about compassion for yourself AND others.

By Lexi Inks

Even though you’ve probably heard people talking about sex positivity online or in your own social circles, the concept is more complex than just enjoying sex, or trying to ditch shame. While there’s an entire history and movement behind it, actually embracing a sex-positive lifestyle and mindset can be very personal and nuanced.

That said, experts like board-certified sexologist and sex therapist Gloria Brame, PhD, are quick to note that the idea is all about a sense of understanding and levity regarding, well, sex. “Sex positivity recognizes that sex is a place of pleasure and emotional relief for consenting adults, not just duty to one’s country or faith. Sex positivity is more of an evidence-based, non-ideological, and non-patriarchal approach to sex,” Brame says.

The history behind the sex positivity movement is long, and the concept leaves a lot of room for personal interpretation and ways to make it feel significant to you. Ahead, experts explain what exactly it means to be sex positive and how you can adopt this new mindset in your own life and relationships.

Meet the Experts:
Gloria Brame, PhD is a sex therapist and certified sexologist based in Athens, GA.

Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD is a professor of sexual communication at California State University, Fullerton and host of the Luvbites by Dr. Tara podcast.

What is the history of the sex positivity movement?

The core values behind sex positivity can be traced back quite a few decades. The ideals of the sexual liberation movement in the 1960s and 70s set up what is now known as the sex positivity movement, according to Brame. She shares that the sex positivity movement was largely inspired by the work of the late Allena Gabosch, a sex educator and advocate for the movement who founded The Center for Sex Positive Culture in 1999.

An important flagship for the movement, the Seattle-based Center for Sex Positive Culture, along with the Center for Sex and Culture in San Francisco, began using the term “sex positive” in the 1990s and promoted the mission of educating and empowering all people about sexuality and how embracing it can change their lives. These community-based spaces still exist today, both physically and digitally, and continue to spread the work started decades ago.

What does it mean to be sex positive?

You’ve probably heard the term thrown around in various capacities, but what does sex positivity mean, exactly? Brame explains that a large part of the term is derived from open-mindedness and acceptance, even when you don’t quite understand it.

“Sex positivity is rejecting the traditional narrative that sex is dirty and shameful and learning to accept it—in all its configurations—as a normal part of a healthy life,” she says. “It means respecting that everyone has a human right to engage in consensual sex, regardless of what type of sex they enjoy… It goes against the Puritanical doctrine that sex is for reproductive purposes only.”

As opposed to kink-shaming, or “yucking” someone’s “yum,” as the saying goes, being sex positive not only involves empowering your own sense of sexual identity, but also withholding judgment or shame regarding that of others.

“[Being] sex positive means being sexually empowered to communicate and make your own informed decisions regarding your sexuality and sexual activity, while keeping a compassionate, non-judgmental attitude about yourself and other people’s sexual attitudes and behaviors,” says Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, professor of sexual communication at California State University Fullerton and host of the Luvbites by Dr. Tara podcast.

Why should I be sex positive?

Empowering yourself and others to embrace your personal sexuality, whatever that looks like, and enjoy pleasure and sexual freedom without shame or negativity is always a good thing. The benefits of being sex positive are countless, so an alternative question might be: Why should you not be sex positive? As long as your sexual choices are safe and consensual, being sex positive can really only help you learn more about yourself and your desires.

Having a sex-positive mindset can not only improve your sex life, but other aspects of your wellbeing, too. Suwinyattichaiporn shares that some of the major benefits to practicing sex positivity are a higher level of sexual self-confidence, communication skills (as far as your boundaries and desires are concerned), reduced anxiety around sex, and even a higher level of sexual satisfaction. All of these “pros” can even be translated to a partner when you’re in a sexual relationship, boosting your intimacy and creating a mutually-fulfilling sex life together.

Releasing shame or stigma around sexuality is anoter massive benefit to becoming sex positive, Brame adds. She notes that whether you’re insecure about your body or your sexual interests, sex positivity can be the best antidote.

“It’s a vital aspect of human self-esteem to feel at home in your body and at peace with your sexuality. With sex-positive attitudes, you become stronger about boundaries and more focused on what actually works for you as an individual—and as a partner,” Brame says. “Being pleasure-based rather than reproductive-based relieves a lot of the pressure of sex and gives you the freedom to be more sexually authentic.”

How can I be more sex positive?

Understanding the overall concept of sex positivity may be relatively simple, but figuring out what being sex positive looks like for you is often easier said than done.

If you’re unsure where to start, Brame suggests leaning into curiosity. “Think about what has worked for you sexually: Have you been too shy to ask for it? To pursue it actively? Why?” she says. “Sexually healthy people ask for what they need to feel great.” Exploring what you really want, what makes you comfortable, and what helps you feel best sexually are the first steps to take.

When you’re ready to embark on your sex-positive journey, Suwinyattichaiporn recommends you begin with talking about sex. Even if you just share your sexual boundaries or preferences, chatting about sex more often with your partner(s) or close friends can lead you to foster a more sex-positive mindset. She also suggests trying out sexual meditations or affirmations; saying things like “I am a great lover” or “I am a sexual being” to yourself can start to shift your perspective and help you gain sexual confidence, which is a huge foundation of sex positivity.

If you’re someone who deals with shame or guilt surrounding sex, whether from a cultural/religious background or otherwise, practicing sex positivity can seem intimidating or even impossible at first. While these are valid feelings, Brame reminds that you’re not alone—shame and guilt around sex are the primary reason many of her sex therapy clients seek her help.

“Shame and discomfort can be hard nuts to crack alone. I recommend reading, going to sex-positive workshops, and working with sex therapists or coaches,” she says. “But you don’t need to have money to win the war against shame inside. Sometimes, what I recommend to clients is that they make choices with their heads and not their hearts.” This can be something as small as using safe sex protocols to ensure you feel fully comfortable and safe making your own sexual choices, which can empower you to continue exploring your desires.

Even if it seems like a big task at first, taking small and steady steps toward becoming more sex positive can only benefit you in the long-term. Whether you choose to enroll in sex therapy, try out kink-friendly spaces and events, or even just talk more about your sexual preferences and desires, the journey you take in promoting sex positivity in your own life just might inspire those around you to do the same—and the more sex-positive people there are, the better.

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What Is Sex Therapy?

How Counseling Can Improve Your Relationship

And, yes, you can keep your clothes on.

By Stella Harris

“Last night I looked at some cheese and got an erection,” Otis Milburn—amateur sex counselor and the teenage son of a sex therapist—tells his best friend Eric in the opening minutes of Netflix’s Sex Education season two.

Although you might not find yourself sexually aroused by dairy products, most people will face some sort of sexual concern (not entirely dissimilar to Otis’) in their lifetime. In fact, more than a third of the population reports some difficulty with sexual satisfaction, according to the Cleveland Clinic. So, if you’re having worries around sex, you’re not alone.

Sex has been a taboo topic for so long that even doctors—heck, even gynecologists and urologists—often hesitate to bring up sexual issues. But sexual health is an integral part of one’s overall wellbeing. “Sex is a basic need on Maslow’s hierarchy. But sex is about so much more than physical release,” says Donna Oriowo, PhD, an AASECT-certified sex therapist and founder of AnnodRight, a sex and relationships therapy practice specifically aimed at serving Black women in the Washington, D.C. area.“Sex can impact your mental health and also your physical health, both positively and negatively based on experiences you have had.”

And that’s where sex therapy comes in. Just like hiring a personal trainer can help you with your physical health and a therapist can walk you through any mental blocks you may have, a sex therapist can help you improve your sexual wellbeing.

Meet the experts:

Donna Oriowo, PhD, LCSW, CST, is an AASECT-certified sex therapist and founder of

AnnodRight, a sex and relationships therapy practice specifically aimed at serving Black women in the Washington, D.C. area.

Shadeen Francis, LMFT, CST, is an AASECT-certified sex therapist, couples therapist, and speaker based in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Ahead, sex therapists explain what exactly sex therapy is, how it works, how to know if you need it, and how it can help improve your relationship with yourself and others.

This content is imported from poll. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

What is sex therapy?

There are a lot of misconceptions surrounding sex therapy—that it happens in the nude, that therapists watch their clients have sex, or that the therapist touches the clients. While these sensationalized perceptions make for clickbait-y headlines and engaging television, in the real world, “sex therapy is a form of talk-based therapy that helps people improve their sex lives,” explains Shadeen Francis, LMFT, an AASECT-certified sex therapist based in Philadelphia. Just like other forms of talk therapy, sex therapy “can help you explore your patterns, support you to better understand the past experiences that have helped shape you, and teach you new strategies to achieve your goals, with a central focus on sex and sexuality,” she adds.

Of course, sex and sexuality cover a broad range of topics. So, what areas can sex therapy specifically help you unpack? Oriowo clarifies that this form of therapy may involve “talking about anything from sexual functioning, your sex life and satisfaction, to sexual trauma, sexual scripts, and sexual esteem [meaning, a person’s overall confidence in their sexuality and ability to enjoy its expression].”

How does sex therapy work?

Sex therapy works like any other form of talk therapy. By talking about your experiences and your feelings, your therapist is able to guide you through the issues you find challenging. Every therapist is different, but some may even suggest homework for you to try on your own or with a partner.

Speaking of partners, that’s where a potential difference comes into play. Traditional therapy is often between a client and a therapist, but with sex therapy you may choose to attend with a partner. Going to therapy with your S.O. can provide unique benefits, as well as a few challenges. Why? “In individual therapy, you are the star of the show,” explains Francis. “Individual therapy is a space that is designed to allow you to dive deep and be focused on what you need for your wellbeing.” In couples therapy, however, the relationship is the client, she says. Each partner’s experience still matters, but it’s not the sex therapist’s job to decide who is right or wrong. Instead, their role is to “offer support by prioritizing ways for you to relate to one other with clarity, kindness, and respect.”

Having a neutral third party to facilitate difficult conversations can make all the difference for people who are having trouble seeing eye to eye. “The unique benefit of couples therapy is that folks get to work through things in real time, for example, getting to practice new communication strategies with your partner with the support of your therapist, or having help sharing delicate information in a safer emotional environment,” says Francis.

That said, many people still prefer to attend sex therapy solo—either because they’d like a bit more privacy when digging into sensitive issues or because they’re not currently partnered. After all, you don’t need to be dating (or having sex, even) to see a sex therapist.

You can enjoy the benefits of sex therapy and work through sex and sexuality-related challenges, regardless of your relationship status.

Do I need sex therapy?

The combined stigma around talking about sex and going to therapy can make some people reluctant to seek out a sex therapist. But reaching out to a professional doesn’t mean there’s something “wrong” with you. “Everyone could use some extra support,” says Francis. “Given the amount of stress most people face in their daily lives, the reality is that most people are living with the consequences of unresolved trauma.” This may be trauma related to unfulfilling and/or awkward sexual experiences in your past, or, in serious cases, may stem from traumatic experiences, such as sexual assault.

According to RAINN, “every 68 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted.” While that may seem like an extreme number, statistically, it’s more likely than not that someone has had an unpleasant sexual experience in their lifetime.

Plus, with many schools lacking comprehensive and inclusive sex education programs, “sex therapy would benefit a lot of people,” says Francis.

But sex therapy isn’t only for those who have experienced sexual trauma. Many people seek out support because they’re dealing with common issues, such as performance anxiety, low sexual confidence, or mismatched levels of desire within a relationship.

At the end of the day, sex therapy can be a huge help for figuring out how to deal with the stress of simply living in the world—especially if you embody one or more marginalized identity. For example, people who are asexual often receive pushback from friends, family, and potential partners trying to insist there’s something wrong with them, rather than accepting asexuality as a perfectly valid identity. (Which, spoiler: It is.)

Even in situations where you’re not actively engaging in sex, sex therapy can help promote self-acceptance as well as help you build tools for communicating your desires and needs with others.

If you experience little to no sexual desire, you may be asexual. Here are some other gender and sexuality terms to know:

How do I find a sex therapist?

Choosing a therapist is a big decision, so it’s worth doing the research to find someone who’s a good fit for your needs. A great place to start is looking through the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) directory. Professionals who are AASECT-certified (like WH’s experts) have undergone additional training beyond their therapy licensure requirements and are more likely to be well-versed in a variety of sexuality topics. Psychology Today is another mental health professionals directory that allows you to search by keyword and specialty, helping you narrow down your options.

For folks who are kinky, queer, or non-monogamous, it can feel especially tricky to find non-judgmental professionals who won’t misunderstand you or require you to educate them. For these groups, the following resources can help you find a therapist who will recognize your identities and the nature of your most intimate relationships:

Moreover, when making a choice as personal as finding a sex therapist, a referral from someone who already knows you is often best. If you have a primary care provider, gynecologist, or another healthcare professional you like and trust, ask them if they have any people in mind.

And feel free to reach out to friends, too. Not everyone is open about seeing a therapist, but one of the best ways to shatter stigmas is bringing these conversations into the open. So why not solicit suggestions on Facebook? If posting to your wall feels too public, I suggest posting in private groups relevant to your identities, such as open relationship groups if you’re looking for a poly-friendly therapist.

How can sex therapy help my relationship?

Not only can sex therapy help you have better sex, but it can also help you develop a better relationship with yourself and your partner(s). According to Oriowo, sex therapy “helps you understand intimacy better, how your partner likes to give and receive intimacy, how sex plays into intimacy, and teaches you to communicate more effectively about your desires and needs.” And who doesn’t need that?

Here’s the thing: You don’t know what you don’t know. Even in relationships that are happy, healthy, and fulfilling, there are often small adjustments that can make a huge difference to your overall relationship satisfaction—especially in the bedroom. Sex therapy provides a safe space for you and your partner(s) to discuss any needs or desires that aren’t being met, and come up with a game plan, so you can enjoy even more Os.

If you’re still reluctant to get some extra support, remember these words shared by Francis, “You are deserving of peace and pleasure.” Because your satisfaction under the sheets is tied to your overall health and wellbeing, it’s worth prioritizing. And while talking about sex can feel scary (and, uh, awkward) at first, those conversations are worth having.

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This Yes-No-Maybe List Can Help Couples Explore Their Wildest Sexual Fantasies

— If one of your goals for the new year is to rev up your intimate life, consider one popular activity often recommended by sex therapists to couples looking to explore their desires: the Yes/No/Maybe list.

By Kelly Gonsalves

The Yes/No/Maybe list.

The Yes/No/Maybe list is an activity designed to help partners explore and share their erotic interests, including what they’d be curious about trying, what they already know they love from past experiences, and what’s a no-go. It’s perfect for couples or any set of sexual partners interested in learning about each other’s fantasies and seeing what overlapping areas of interest exist between them.

So, how does it work?

First, each of you will get your own individual copy of a lonnnng list of sexual activities, fantasies, kinks and fetishes, accessories, and more. There are lots of versions of this on the internet (we link some of our faves below), but some possible line items that might appear on the list include:

  • Anal sex
  • Pegging
  • Fingering
  • Dirty talk
  • Sexting
  • Making videos
  • Threesomes: FFM
  • Threesomes: MMF
  • Group sex
  • Public sex
  • Mutual masturbation
  • Spanking
  • Biting
  • Choking someone
  • Being choked
  • Bondage: being tied up
  • Bondage: tying someone else up
  • Role playing
  • Outdoor sex
  • Double penetration
  • Erotic massage
  • Watching porn together
  • Watching porn alone
  • Vibrators
  • Cock rings
  • Swallowing cum
  • Period sex
  • Food play
  • Foot play
  • Handcuffs
  • Cuckolding

The list goes on! And it can get detailed.

Next to each item, you’ll have the opportunity to write in your own personal interest level:

  1. Yes (I’m into it or willing to try it)
  2. No (Not for me/not open to it)
  3. Maybe (I could be interested with more conversation, information, and/or in a specific situation).

Some versions of the Yes/No/Maybe list—like this one from AASECT-certified sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman, M.A., CST—also feature a fourth option: Open to fantasizing about it, but not actually doing it IRL. (Which is an important and often helpful distinction, “because many people are aroused by the idea of certain acts but wouldn’t want to actually do it,” she tells mbg.)

Each person will fill out their copy of the list separately and in private—and the privacy is key here, because you want to feel open to answer totally honestly, without feeling influenced by the way your partner reacts to a certain line item.

After you each complete the worksheet by yourselves, that’s when you’ll then come together to review your responses together and look for areas of overlap where you can explore together if you so choose.

Why sex therapists love it.

The activity is often recommended by sex therapists because it allows partners to easily get to know each other’s most intimate desires, exposes them to new ideas they may not have considered but find intriguing, and gives them an easy way to bring up a kinky interest that perhaps they haven’t been able to talk about thus far.

“I think these are wonderful tools to explore erotic interests, but they are even better to open conversation,” Zimmerman adds.

That is, in addition to being a great source of inspiration, perhaps the biggest benefit of the Yes/No/Maybe list is that it simply opens up the lines of communication.

Couples can sometimes go years without ever meaningfully talking about their sex life, and it does them a great disservice. We know from research that people who talk more about sex tend to have more satisfying sex lives, whereas those who have less sexual communication tend to enjoy their sex life less, too.

“If neither partner knows what the other’s expectations, desires, or needs are around sex, there isn’t much chance of continually making it better,” AASECT-certified sex therapist Holly Richmond, Ph.D., LMFT, CST, previously told mbg. “Couples that talk about sex can have better, more exciting sex the longer they are in the relationship, which is exactly the opposite of what we’ve been told to believe, that sex gets worse or more boring the longer you are together.”

In other words, the key to a sustainably steamy sex life is being willing to sit down at talk about it. And if it’s not something you’ve been doing much of lately in your relationship? The Yes/No/Maybe list is one simple and pretty fun way to get started.

Tips for doing the activity as a couple.

Find a copy of the Yes/No/Maybe list that speaks to you. We love the one from Zimmerman linked above, or you could also try this one from AASECT-certified sex therapist Diana Sadat, RCC, CST, this one from sex educator Sunny Megatron, or any other you’re vibing with.

“I recommend people treat this exercise as a discussion starter, with curiosity and without judgement,” says Zimmerman. That includes judgment toward your partner and judgment toward yourself.

Exploring sexual interests with a partner can be an extremely fun activity, but it can also be vulnerable stuff. Stay open-minded and affirming with each other as you talk through your lists, while also being vocal about your boundaries and respectful about the other person’s.

(Remember: A relationship becomes safer, and feels all the closer and warmer, the more we’re able to say no to each other with ease. So celebrate each other’s “no”! It brings you closer every time you do.)

Also remember that none of this means you have to do anything on the list, Zimmerman reminds, no matter what you answered on the worksheet. Either way though, “you can talk about what is appealing about particular sexual activities (or what is not) and under what circumstances you’d find it interesting.”

The takeaway.

The Yes/No/Maybe list is a lighthearted, straightforward, yet eye-opening way to kick off a conversation with partners about the things that turn you both on.

Suggest the idea to your partner to see if they’d be interested in doing this on your next date night (feel free to shoot them the link to this article!), and then come into the activity together with open minds and a spirit of playful exploration. You’ll be sure to walk away with a good bit of inspo for where to go next.

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The 8 Biggest Secrets Sex Therapists Wish Couples Knew

Those red flags in the bedroom might not be as troubling as you think.

By Dana Schulz

Talking about sex, especially to a stranger, is not something that comes naturally to a lot of people. It can bring up feelings of embarrassment, shame, or inadequacy—all of which is why even couples who seek out a sex therapist can skirt around the issue. This leads to a lot of misconceptions about intimacy, from thinking that having less sex means your partner is cheating to believing that sex toys are only for couples with major issues. That’s why we spoke to sex therapists to learn the biggest secrets they wish couples knew. Read on for expert advice that might change your whole outlook in the bedroom.

1 A change in frequency is normal… and chemical!

For many couples, one of the most worrisome signs in the bedroom is when they stop having as much sex. But if you’ve been together for a long time, this might not be quite the red flag you think it is.

“Understanding that desire changes, ebbs, and flows throughout life is normal,” says Gigi Engle, ACS, resident intimacy expert at 3Fun and author of All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life. “We need to work with it, not have unrealistic expectations.”

According to Engle, there is something called New Relationship Energy (NRE), which is that intoxicating feeling of lust when we first meet someone new. “We are majorly all over each other because our brains are awash in feel-good hormones like oxytocin and dopamine,” she says. “That’s why we feel so sexually aroused and horny all the time in new relationships—we don’t need as much of all the other situational factors.”

However, once we settle into a more comfortable and familiar pattern, “the love hormone or cuddle chemical oxytocin” decreases, according to Tatyana Dyachenko, sexual and relationship therapist at Peaches & Screams. She advises long-term couples to try something new in the bedroom to spike these chemicals.

2 Women get bored more often than men do.

Society tends to depict men as more likely to cheat and as having a larger sexual appetite. But according to Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, sex and relationship expert at Luvbites, “research has found that women get bored of sex with their partner a lot faster than men.”

One such study that corroborates this was published in 2017 in the British Medical Journal. It found that women were twice as likely as men to lose interest in sex after a year of being together or while living with their partner.

Likewise, a 2012 study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy concluded that “women’s sexual desire was significantly and negatively predicted by relationship duration,” whereas that was not the case for men.

Suwinyattichaiporn says it’s important to understand this so partners of women can prioritize “passion, excitement, playfulness, and variety.”

3 Sometimes there is a lack of attraction.

This is a hard truth, but sometimes couples find themselves not having sex because one person has stopped finding the other attractive. “Many long-term couples don’t find their partner attractive and lose sexual interest in them,” says Suwinyattichaiporn.

That doesn’t just mean physical attraction. If you’ve grown grumpy or no longer enjoy discussing the topics you used to, these could also hinder your partner’s desire. “The advice is rather simple, take care of yourself physically, mentally, and intellectually,” says Suwinyattichaiporn.

It’s also important to note that women may find their partner less attractive during certain times of their menstrual cycle, according to a 2020 study published in Biological Psychology.

“Women’s hormone levels change across their ovulatory cycles, and these changes are likely to affect their psychology and, perhaps, the way they feel toward their romantic partner,” study author Francesca Righetti, an associate professor at the Department of Experimental and Applied Psychology at the VU Amsterdam, told PsyPost. “We found that the hormone that peaks just prior to ovulation, estradiol, was associated with more negative partner evaluation.”

4 Sex is more than penetration and/or an orgasm.

There are so many ways to be intimate with your partner, many of which don’t include penetration and don’t have to end in an orgasm.

“Anytime we hug, kiss, rub, squeeze, and nuzzle into a romantic partner, there is an intimate charge,” explains Engle. “This doesn’t involve the touching of genitals but is intimately based in that it allows us to meet the needs of sex like feeling desired, expressing desire, and connecting in a way unique to us as sexual partners.”

Realizing and appreciating this can take a lot of the pressure off couples who are struggling in the bedroom. “When we feel like every hug, kiss, and nuzzle is going to need to be followed up with sex, we start to avoid it. Allowing it to take root back in your relationship can be the balm that heals it,” Engle adds.

5 Sex toys don’t mean there’s a problem.

Sex therapists find that oftentimes their clients equate sex toys with a problem in their sexual intimacy. But that is not the case.

“Even couples who have great sex integrate sex toys into their sexual routine for new stimulations and deeper orgasms,” explains Dyachenko.

According to Engle, staying curious and trying new things is, in fact, one of the best ways to recreate some of that NRE energy. “Rekindled relationship energy is important because it encourages the new couple to spend time together and get to know each other,” she says. “It is the time where trust is built and the foundations of the relationships are established.”

6 Infidelity can strengthen a relationship.

Cheating is usually considered the most unforgivable offense in a relationship, but according to Lee Phillips, LCSW, a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist, with the correct guidance, infidelity can actually strengthen a partnership.

“People usually do not wake up, and say, ‘I am going to cheat on my partner today.’ Usually, there is an emotional disconnection that has led to resentment causing this ultimate betrayal,” explains Phillips. “Couples can learn to identify why the infidelity occurred and heal from it by identifying a ‘new normal’ of their relationship … This is something that could have been missing for years.”

To work through an issue as complex as infidelity, it’s advisable to see a couple’s counselor.

7 Communication is key.

It might sound obvious, but sex therapists find that so many of their clients lose sight of how important it is to communicate about sex.

“There is this idea that when a couple has sex, they just do it. However, sex is about pleasure, and it is important to talk about what sex and pleasure mean to the both of you,” advises Phillips. She notes that in many cases, couples will discuss sex at the beginning of a relationship but not as time goes on. And, as we know, sexual desires and libidos change over time.

Nicole Schafer, LPC, a sex and relationship coach, adds that communication can itself be sexy. “Learn to take things slowly and draw it out. Take your time, focusing on the details of each other while communicating with your partner about what you like and don’t like, or what they love or wish you would do,” she suggests. “The build-up and attention to detail will make your time together phenomenal.”

8 Setting boundaries can help.

It’s important to remember that both you and your partner should never have to feel uncomfortable with sex.

“Boundaries can be healthy, and they are a way of showing respect to your partner,” says Phillips. “Here are some examples of boundaries: I know that you are feeling sexual, but I am just not in the mood, can we try this weekend? I am not a mind reader; can you please tell me what you are thinking? I am still thinking about what you said the other night, I need more time to think about it.”

Being open will help you both relax and be more receptive to intimacy.

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How Important Is Sex In Relationships?

— 9 Things To Consider

by Kelly Gonsalves

With how much sex is talked about in pop culture, online relationship columns, and over drinks between close friends, it raises the question: Just how important is sex in a relationship?

The question may feel all the more pressing if you, yourself, are in a relationship where the sex isn’t quite where you or your partner want it to be. Or perhaps you’re just wondering about it as someone who personally loves sex—or someone who is personally pretty uninterested in it.

We reached out to sex therapists to get to the bottom of the question—which, as it turns out, is pretty complex to answer.

How important is sex in relationships?

“Sex is as important to a relationship as it is to the people in it,” says licensed sex therapist Shadeen Francis, LMFT.

That is, how important sex is to a relationship varies depending on the individual. Sex matters a lot to some people and some couples, and it’s less important or not important at all to some people and some couples.

Not every relationship requires an active sex life. “There are perfectly happy and healthy couples who don’t have sex, and this isn’t a problem as long as both are truly happy and OK with this,” adds Jessa Zimmerman, M.A., an AASECT-certified sex therapist and couples’ counselor.

Now, if at least one person in the relationship does want sex, that’s when it becomes important for partners to work on creating a mutually satisfying sex life. Much research has found a link between sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction, so it’s important for both people to feel good about the state of their sex life and to address any issues that come up.

“Those problems can create negative feelings, distance between the partners, and damage to the strength of the relationship,” Zimmerman explains.

She adds that problems in the bedroom have a tendency to impact how people view their relationship as a whole, too. “When sex is working well for a couple, it feels like it’s about 20% of what makes their relationship great. It’s important, and it’s a factor in their happiness, but it’s in proportion to all the other things in their life,” she explains. “But when it isn’t working, it can feel like it’s 80% of their life together. It can overshadow the other parts that may be working really well. So sex becomes more important as it goes badly.”

Summary:

Sex isn’t important to all relationships, and couples can have happy and healthy relationships without sex. That said, in those relationships where it is important to one or both partners, issues in a couple’s sex life can be tied to (or even create) issues in the relationship as a whole.

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Is It Time to See a Sex Therapist?

Sex can be an important part of personal well-being. But sex therapists say the work they do remains misunderstood.

By Catherine Pearson

In the summer of 2017, six years into her marriage, Kayti Christian booked her first sex therapy appointment.

Ms. Christian and her husband grew up in evangelical families, steeped in the belief that any sexual desires outside of marriage were sinful. When they got married, they expected sex to be intuitive — even transcendent. Instead, Ms. Christian said she and her husband felt numb during intercourse and ashamed after.

They prayed. They asked their pastor for guidance, but it did not help. Finally Ms. Christian, now 32, started searching for local certified sex therapists.

They went to five sessions; sometimes together, sometimes alone. The couple’s therapist recommended simple exercises, like facing each other, holding eye contact and stating their sexual desires out loud.

“It might sound silly, but talking about sex while not having sex was something that felt revolutionary to us,” said Ms. Christian, who is working on a memoir about evangelical purity culture.

Sex is complicated for just about everyone — influenced by an ever-changing web of psychological, physical, cultural and social factors. And many individuals and couples can benefit from therapy to better understand their sexuality. Sex therapists say their field has long been misunderstood — seen as a last resort for people in doomed relationships, or a fringe practice that involves embarrassing hands-on exercises. For people like Ms. Christian and her husband, it can take years of suffering before they finally turn to a sex therapist for help.

There is emerging evidence that we may be in the midst of a collective rough patch, sexually speaking. Over the past two years, several studies suggest, people were having less sex and worse sex, particularly in the early days of the pandemic. A 2020 Kinsey Institute survey found that 24 percent of married people in the United States were having less frequent sex than before the pandemic, and 17 percent of women reported a decrease in sexual satisfaction.

Yet addressing sexual problems — whether they emerged during the pandemic or not — is challenging. Medicine has been slow to embrace sex as an important part of personal health, and many doctors do not receive formal sexual health training in medical school, despite known links between sex and wellness.

The New York Times spoke to several sex therapists about some common misconceptions around sex therapy and why it sometimes takes their patients so long to find care.

They made it clear that many issues can get in the way of good sex: past trauma, shame, body image, gender identity concerns, as well as broader relationship problems that can hinder someone’s ability to connect sexually.

“I always remind people that sex therapists have heard it all,” said Dr. Elisabeth Gordon, a New York City-based psychiatrist and sex therapist.

What is sex therapy and who is it for?

“It is really important to understand what sex therapy is and what sex therapy is not,” Dr. Gordon said. “Sex therapy is not requiring you to have sex in front of your therapist. Sex therapy is talk therapy.”

Certified sex therapists are licensed mental health professionals — usually psychiatrists, psychologists or clinical social workers — who do additional coursework in sexual health, sexuality and sexual pleasure. The most well-known certifying body is the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, or AASECT, which currently has just over 1,000 certified sex therapists across the United States.

Sex therapists work with adults of any sexual orientation, and see people in relationships (with or without their partner or partners) as well as single people. Ian Kerner, a sex therapist based in New York City, said more often than not, people seek out sex therapy because they have a specific problem they are looking to fix. He regularly treats patients with low or mismatched sexual desire, erectile unpredictability and early ejaculation, sexual anxiety, problems with orgasm and people looking to get out of a sexual rut — whatever that means to them.

In recent years, he has also seen an uptick in patients who don’t have a problem per se, but are simply looking for a greater sense of sexual adventure in their lives, or are looking for guidance as they explore the possibility of an open relationship; others are in new relationships and simply want to establish a happy, satisfying sex life early on.

Rachel Wright, a licensed marriage and family therapist and host of The Wright Conversations, a podcast about sex, relationships and mental health, offers this rule of thumb: If there is something about your sex life that you’d like to change, a sex therapist can probably help.

Keep in mind, however, that sex therapists cannot treat underlying health conditions that can contribute to sexual concerns, like erectile dysfunction caused by heart disease or diabetes.

“Sex is complex,” Dr. Kerner said. “Sometimes there may be a physiological element, like someone might be dealing with low desire due to the sexual side effects of a medication.”

What does sex therapy entail?

Therapists typically start by asking their patients about their background and past sexual experiences, as well as their goals. Dr. Kerner said they should also usually offer a rough time frame of their treatment plan in a first session.

“You don’t have to start therapy and meet every week for two years or the rest of your life,” echoed Ms. Wright. “You could go to a sex therapist, have a consultation, they recommend a book, you read it and you’re fine. Or they recommend a book, you read it and say, ‘Great, now I have five questions.’”

Homework assignments between sessions are common, and can include activities like massaging your partner while focusing on sensations like temperature, texture and pressure. Eventually, patients might work up to genital touch or experimentation with different techniques or fantasies — all taken at patients’ own pace, Dr. Gordon said.

For Ms. Christian and her husband, sex therapy homework was, as she put it, pretty “P.G.” Their therapist recommended they read books about the connection between desire and intimacy. They’d hold hands or massage each other, describing the basics of how it felt. Was the touch hot or cold? Did they like the pressure? Often, it just felt awkward.

“Sometimes it felt very tedious and uncomfortable. To sit in a bedroom touching each other’s hands for 20 minutes with soft music playing — we were like, is this over yet? What are we doing?” recalled Ms. Christian with a laugh. “But I think we realized that there wasn’t going to be a quick fix. We learned that we had to be patient.”

Sex therapy should offer validation.

While sex therapists tackle a vast range of issues, they say much of their work boils down to offering validation. And some, like Ms. Wright — who has written about coming to terms with being bisexual and polyamorous — are very open about their own sexual identities, which may be reassuring to patients who have felt misunderstood in the past.

“A lot of people I work with find me on their second or third try with therapy. They’ve maybe started with someone who doesn’t really have comfort or knowledge in talking about the specific sexualities that I deal with, and they’ve felt judged,” said Elizabeth Harles, a North Carolina-based sex therapist who often works with L.G.B.T.Q. clients, many of whom are looking to explore topics like kink and non-monogamy. She identifies as queer and polyamorous. And like Ms. Wright, she shares that experience openly.

“It’s tough to spill your guts to a stranger,” Ms. Harles said. “But talking about sex? Wow. It’s incredibly difficult to start that up with a stranger. If you then have a negative experience, that is really hard.”

“I can’t tell you how many patients I’ve had who come to me and tell me that their provider or practitioner told them, ‘Oh, just go relax. Have a glass of wine. Take a hot bath. It’ll all be OK,’” Dr. Gordon said. A 2012 survey of OB-GYNs found that only 28 percent routinely ask about sexual activity, while just 13 percent ask about pleasure during sexual activity.

In an effort to correct this, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has issued guidance for health care providers around what it calls the “5 Ps” of discussing sexual history with patients (their partners, sexual practices, how they protect themselves from sexually transmitted infections, past-history of S.T.I.s and their pregnancy intentions).

Some doctors say that is not enough.

“It feels like we are stuck in the 1980s,” said Dr. Susan Khalil, director of the division of sexual health in Obstetrics, Gynecology, and Reproductive Science at the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai. She would like to see more research into medications that can address sexual desire and function, surgeries to address physical factors that can affect sexual pain or pleasure and greater collaboration between doctors, sex therapists and physical therapists. That is happening in pockets around the country, but not everywhere, Dr. Khalil said.

For many, sex therapy can be the first stop on the journey to healing, rather than a last resort.

By the time they sought out a sex therapist, Ms. Christian and her husband were not nervous or embarrassed. Simply hearing that they were not alone helped. Ms. Christian said her sex life does not meet the unrealistic expectations she had before she got married, but described it now as vulnerable — and great.

“The validation was huge for us,” Ms. Christian said. “Having a therapist sit there with us and say: ‘Your experience is normal. There is nothing wrong with you. You just need to communicate about this more and practice’ — that was such a relief.”

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Our culture isn’t sex positive just because kink is trending

Even “vanilla” people feel sex shamed.

By Tracey Anne Duncan

As a person who writes about sex and pleasure, I meet a lot of pleasure activists — people working to reclaim pleasure and sexuality as radical domains. Many are kinksters, queers, or both; all on a mission to return some dignity back to folks who have been marginalized. Recently, though, I came across a pleasure activist who’s advocating for the validity of “vanilla” sex. Frankly, I was a bit taken aback. Do people who like simple sex really need activism? Isn’t “normal” sex just, well, normal?

Sure, in the past decade, kinky sex has become much more socially acceptable. I’m not saying you should try to bond with granny about your favorite shibari harnesses, but you can probably post about them on social media without much to-do. But while the #trending of kink seems like some form of progress in our generally prudish society, if folks who love “vanilla” sex feel shamed by their preferences, our culture is still far from being a sex-positive Eden of earthly delights.

“As soon as you say something like, ‘Umm, you know, I love vanilla sex,’ you might as well grow a Victorian-style bonnet on your head,” Alice Queen, a sex writer in Detroit who runs a sex toy blog dubbed “Vanilla is the New Kink,” tells me. “I’m under the impression that society as a whole will never stop trying to whip us (back) into shape, one way or another, by framing any and [all] of our sexual behaviors into social mores.” Basically, Queen believes vanilla sex oftentimes gets the same negative treatment from others as sex that’s widely considered “deviant.”

“As soon as you say something like ‘Umm, you know, I love vanilla sex,’ you might as well grow a Victorian-style bonnet on your head.” – Alice Queen

But does Alice think there needs to be an actual, formal movement to advocate for those who like to keep sex simpler? “On the one hand, I’d love for people to be able to freely admit their vanilla preferences without being scoffed at,” she says. “On the other hand, I’m more than aware of potential pitfalls: Before long, someone would try to hijack my genuine vanilla [sex] pride and use it as a wrapper for exclusion because it’s just so easy to do from a traditional point of view.”

In other words, no, even vanilla sex “activists” view something like an earnest “vanilla sex pride” movement as something that would harm already marginalized communities who actually need or benefit from Pride movements.

The experts I spoke with agree that there’s a big difference between taking pride in your sexuality and trying to make a social justice movement out of it. “Benefiting from, or even being an activist in, a social justice movement or a project to make the word ‘sex’ non-judgmentally inclusive of more sexual options (especially your own) doesn’t necessarily open you up to true comfort with and belief in sexual diversity,” Carol Queen (no relation to Alice), co-founder of the Center for Sex and Culture in San Francisco, tells me.

“My starting point is that the only thing that should be excluded is exclusion itself — as well as, of course, any practice that lacks consent or can never have it by definition.” – Alice Queen

The truth is that while Alice may be a self-described vanilla sex “activist,” she’s not vying for the primacy of any one kind of sex. Yes, the name of her blog could be read as creating a divide between vanilla and kink, but it’s really just catchy phrasing meant to wink at sex negativity. “I wouldn’t want to end up unwittingly promoting exclusion,” Alice says. “On the contrary, my starting point is that the only thing that should be excluded is exclusion itself — as well as, of course, any practice that lacks consent or can never have it by definition.”

The point Alice is trying to make is that, while the preponderance of BDSM-themed merch may make it seem like America has gotten really freaky, our culture is actually still so sex negative that even people who prefer “normal” sex feel like they can’t state their desires without being judged. The fashionability of the aesthetics of kink in many ways masks the reality that the U.S. is still a sex-negative culture, as evidenced by, among other things, our egregious sex education policies.

In fact, the whole idea of kink versus vanilla is essentially just a tool used to create divisions between anyone who might attempt to reclaim pleasure. After all, there’s not even an agreed-upon definition of vanilla sex. We invent these categories in order to express our desires, which should be fun, but our overly prudish culture has turned even the most normative desires against us.

“We should not be put in a position of feeling shame about our sexuality unless we are hurting someone else via our actions.” – Carol Queen

Alice describes vanilla sex as simple and mindful, which honestly, is a great way to approach any kind of sex, kinky or otherwise. “We do not have to have sex a certain way — except, y’know, consensually — no matter what right-wing politicians and preachers [or] hipper-than-thou ‘sex-positive’ folks might say,” Carol says. Basically, in a genuinely sex-positive culture, all sex — vanilla, kink, clown, whatever — would be welcome.

In working toward such a culture, it’s crucial that we don’t get the idea of sex positivity twisted. “Since humans tend to one-up each other, that ‘Yippee, sex!’ POV has morphed into ‘Sex-positive means I like all the sex — [and] if you don’t, you are not sex-positive,” she says. “This is not what sex-positive means.”

The truth is, as Carol notes, that what’s considered sexually “normal” or “fashionable” is always in flux, and it doesn’t always correspond to how we actually think about — or do — sex. As Carol says, “We should not be put in a position of feeling shame about our sexuality unless we are hurting someone else via our actions.”

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I watched the first episode of reality series ‘Good Sex,’ and seeing men ask for sex help was really hot

On the television series “Good Sex,” couples agree to put cameras in their bedrooms during sex and talk about the footage with a coach after.

By Julia Naftulin

  • The new discovery+ series “Good Sex” has couples put cameras in their bedrooms. A sex coach uses the footage to help improve their intimacy.
  • In the first episode, men reveal their sexual issues, like erectile dysfunction and overall inexperience.
  • The show is a reminder that sex should be a safe space to explore desire and pleasure.

On the new television series “Good Sex,” couples willingly plant video cameras in their bedrooms while they have sex, then fork the tapes over to a sex coach for help.

Caitlin V. Neal, the show’s resident sex coach, has spent more than 10 years helping men with erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and pleasuring women.

Minutes into the first episode, a 48-year-old man named Ben admits he has trouble getting out of his head during sex with his partner Annie, which has led to erectile dysfunction. When Neal later examines video footage of their lovemaking, she finds out Annie’s dog is in the room while they’re getting it on, which interferes with Ben’s ability to focus. In the same episode, a man in his 20s reveals he’s never had sex, and wants to learn how to please a woman before he does, so Neal walks him through different pleasure points by caressing an anatomical model of female genitals.

As Insider’s sex and relationships reporter and advice columnist, I constantly read questions from women who want to save their sex and love lives. So it was refreshing to watch men get candid about their sexual concerns, like when Ben said a disconnect between his brain and body was likely the reason for his “limp dick.”

To me, “Good Sex” is a reminder that sex can be awkward and fulfilling all at once. Like the willingness to ask for help, good sex requires self-awareness, self-love, and feeling safe enough to show you’re still figuring it out.

“Good Sex” takes a raw approach by showing couples in the midst of their sexual mistakes, not just how they resolve them.

A 48-year-old named Ben opened up about difficulty achieving orgasm during sex

Ben said he’s only been with three women in his life, including his current partner of two years, Annie. They said they were both previously married to their college sweethearts.

“As great as our sex is, I’m not able stay hard, or even get hard, sometimes,” Ben told the camera during the first episode. He said current erectile dysfunction issues have made sex feel disheartening and distressing, especially coming from a previous marriage where he wasn’t having a lot of sex.

During their first session with Neal, Ben said erectile dysfunction medication hasn’t helped, and he wants to orgasm during sex with Annie.

According to Neal, the pursuit of good sex challenges people, especially men, to be more emotionally open.

“Sex is an inherently vulnerable act. And so if you’re looking to improve your sex life and you’re serious in your commitment to improving your intimacy, vulnerability is a requirement to getting the results that they want,” Neal said.

According to Neal, the showrunners’ idea to use cameras along with sex coaching made for “exponentially faster transformations, growth, and impact” because she could see what was actually happening, not just hear it from the couple’s blurry recollections.

“Imagine trying to explain, step by step, what happened the last time you had sex with your partner. Especially if you don’t have something to compare it to, it’s really difficult for someone to articulate what actually happened,” Neal, who also has a YouTube channel dedicated to sex advice, told Insider.

Healthy sex and relationships require work

The show offers snippets of each couples’ sex-coaching sessions and the bedroom homework Neal assigns them, but there’s a lot more work going on between scenes, she told Insider.

Each coaching session is between 90 minutes and two hours. It also takes time for a couple to unlearn the sex routines they’ve grown accustomed to over the past five to 30 years, Neal said.

When viewers watch “Good Sex,” Neal hopes they walk away with the realization that a fulfilling sex life requires commitment and help.

“We have no problem hiring career coaches, mechanics, people to install things in our homes. But for some reason, we have the story that sex is something we have to deal with privately, without any help. By putting cameras inside of those closed bedroom doors, we’re able to see this isn’t something you have to deal with in isolation. It’s not something that should be a source of shame,” Neal said.

A dedication to honesty and emotional openness in the name of self-improvement? Now that’s hot.

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Sex surrogate therapy

— What is it and how does it work?

by Rachel Ann Tee-Melegrito

Sex surrogate therapy is a three-way therapeutic relationship to help a person feel more comfortable with sex, sensuality, and sexuality. It involves working with a licensed therapist and a surrogate partner to manage potential issues with intimacy.

Also known as surrogate-assisted therapy or surrogate partner therapy, this treatment aims to help build self-awareness and skills in physical and emotional intimacy. A person sees both a sex therapist and a surrogate partner to help develop a healthy self-concept and improve sexual functioning. While this treatment can involve intercourse with the surrogate partner, it does not always.

A person may seek this type of therapy because of sexual dysfunctions or any trauma, fears, or anxieties they experience related to sex. Sexual health and satisfaction can play a crucial role in a person’s health and well-being, and forming sexual relationships may impact happiness and fulfillment.

In this article, we discuss what sex surrogate therapy is, how it works, who can benefit from it, and how it differs from other practices.

Surrogate partner therapy is a three-way therapeutic relationship among a licensed therapist, a client, and a surrogate partner.

The treatment typically involves a variety of therapeutic experiences, sometimes including sexual intercourse, to explore and resolve barriers preventing a person from having physical, sexual, and emotional intimacy.

Dr. William Masters, a gynecologist, and Dr. Virginia Johnson, a sexologist, introduced the concept in their book, Human Sexual Inadequacy, which they originally published in the 1970s.

The course of therapy usually begins with the therapist and the client determining goals and creating a treatment plan to address the issues behind the client’s difficulties.

The therapist may recommend surrogate partner therapy if they deem it helpful. Partner surrogates work in collaboration with the therapist and the client. They receive training to mentor, coach, and help clients meet their treatment goals.

Similarly to the way exposure therapy enables a person to face their fear, this treatment provides access to a safe partner to allow a person to practice techniques, among other skills.

The goals of this treatment may include building self-awareness and self-confidence, developing effective communication, training social skills, and developing physical and emotional intimacy skills.

Surrogates guide clients through the program and gradually progress through varied therapeutic experiences that aim to explore, build the client’s skills, and promote their healing. The plan may incorporate:

  • relaxation and meditation
  • eye contact
  • effective communication
  • sensate focusing
  • sex education
  • body mapping
  • one-way or mutual nudity
  • one-way or mutual touching
  • genital-genital contact

A person may opt for local therapy, which is when the therapist and the surrogate are both available in the local community. It usually involves meeting with the therapist for 1 hour per week and meeting with the surrogate partner for 1–2 hours per week.

Alternatively, they may use an intensive setup, which is when the therapist-client and surrogate-client sessions overlap to facilitate rapid growth and change for the client. This involves meeting with the surrogate partner for 2–3 hours per day and with the therapist for 1 hour per day. Intensive therapy typically lasts for 2 weeks.

It is important to note that the therapist is not involved in the sessions between the surrogate and the client. However, open, proper, and consistent communication among all three team members is fundamental for the approach’s success. All team members make a mutual decision to terminate therapy, typically when the client achieves their goals.

Generally, individuals considering sex surrogate therapy have been undergoing sex therapy or psychotherapy for months to several years to deal with concerns such as self-confidence, body image issues, fears, and sexual dysfunctions.

The range of concerns and conditions that may prompt the therapist or the client to consider a partner surrogate may include:

Some researchers suggest that sex surrogate therapy may help treat sexual difficulties among transgender people who have recently undergone gender confirmation surgery. Some evidence also suggests that it may be beneficial for people with disabilities to help them learn about comfortable ways to experience sex.

While some individuals may benefit from this therapy, more research is necessary. Additionally, it may be advisable to establish clarity on the ethics and legality of this practice.

There is some overlap between sex therapy and sex surrogate therapy, as both treatments aim to help resolve sexual issues.

While sex therapists may provide sex-based exercises to perform at home in between sessions, such as watching porn or masturbating, they do not participate or offer hands-on exercises to help their clients practice and develop these skills. Sex therapy is essentially a form of talk therapy.

Sex surrogate therapy may often involve a sex therapist as a licensed professional in addition to a certified surrogate partner. With consent, a person may be able to practice physical or sexual intimacy or techniques that a sex therapist advices with the surrogate partner.

Becoming a sex therapist typically requires a person to earn a master’s degree in a related field such as mental health, therapy, counseling, or psychology. In contrast, a person does not need any specific degree or course to qualify as a surrogate partner.

Many people may see sex surrogate therapy as a form of sex work. However, the two have different goals.

Sex workers receive payment in exchange for consensual sexual services. Sex surrogate therapy aims to provide a safe, structured environment where the client can explore intimacy and resolve barriers that prevent them from developing physical and emotional intimacy with a partner.

Sex surrogate therapy may also include sensual and sexual contact, but the focus is on developing skills and healing. In some cases, surrogate partners never have physical contact with their clients.

The International Professional Surrogates Association (IPSA) Code of Ethics states that the term “surrogate partner” applies only when the therapeutic relationship includes the involvement and participation of a licensed therapist. The surrogate may act as a substitute partner or a co-therapist.

There are currently no laws regulating or prohibiting sex surrogacy therapy. While paying for sex is illegal in most of the United States, this type of therapy does not always involve the exchange of money for sexual services, so it may fall into a legal gray area.

Sexual gratification is not necessarily the sole aim of the treatment. The treatment is also a therapeutic tool to help people overcome sexual challenges and improve their sexual health. Although the rationale for using a surrogate partner may be for sexual engagement, sexual contact is not mandatory and occurs only if necessary for the client to reach their goals.

Like any decision in a traditional therapeutic relationship between a client and a therapist, the decision to engage in intercourse as part of treatment is the choice of both parties and requires informed consent.

Since its establishment in 1973, IPSA has not experienced any legal issues.

A person may be able to access a partner surrogate through a licensed therapist, who can tap into their network of partner surrogates.

A person may also refer to IPSA’s list of surrogate partners. However, because not all surrogate partners want to post their personal information publicly, a person may also connect with IPSA’s referrals coordinator to be connected with a trained and certified professional surrogate partner.

Moreover, because some surrogate partners have profiles on social media platforms, a person may encounter people who claim to be IPSA certified or IPSA members. Individuals or therapists may contact the IPSA referrals coordinator to confirm.

While a specific degree or course is not a prerequisite for applying to IPSA’s Professional Surrogate Partner Training Program, the training committee does look for certain qualities, such as:

  • emotional maturity
  • evolution through personal therapy or other growth-oriented life experience
  • comfort with one’s body and sexuality
  • readiness to be involved in a close, caring relationship with others who are having difficulties with emotional, physical, and sexual intimacy

Interested applicants may begin their training application process with IPSA. They will need to fill out forms that require them to share very personal information.

Applicants need to go to Southern California for training, which has two phases. The first involves a 100-hour didactic and experiential course. Upon completing this, a person can enter a multiyear, multiclient supervised internship for phase 2.

Sex surrogate therapy is a therapeutic relationship involving a client, a therapist, and a surrogate partner. It can offer a place of healing and growth for people who are having difficulty with fears and anxieties about sex, their sexuality, or intimacy.

However, the therapy may not be suitable for everyone, and it does not necessarily involve intercourse with the surrogate partner. Individuals who are working with a sex therapist and interested in trying sex surrogate therapy may discuss it with their therapist. It is up to a licensed therapist to determine whether a person may benefit from a surrogate partner.

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These Christian leaders embraced sex positivity

— and now preach it

In recent years, social media has allowed these views to become more widespread

By Suzannah Weiss

Jo Neufeld, a 40-year-old living in Manitoba, Canada, used to feel that she was sex positive despite being Christian. Then, about 10 years ago, she started following Twitter accounts like those of Kevin Garcia, a gay pastor based in Atlanta, and other Christians who talked openly about sex.

Neufeld said the accounts introduced her to “ideas around God wanting pleasure for us” and helped her to reconcile her Christianity with her sex positivity: “I’ve found examples of people living out holy sexuality. And for me, that has been about slowly embracing that I was created for sexual flourishing.”

Traditionally, most Christian leaders have accepted the teaching that sex should occur only in marriage. That has come with a great deal of stigma about sex outside of marriage, leaving Christians — women and LGBTQ people especially — often feeling forced to choose between following their religion and embracing their sexuality.

In recent years, that has borne out in mainstream politics, with conservative Christian groups backing abortion restrictions and the prohibition of discussion of gender and sexuality in schools.

But in some corners of the Internet, church leaders and other public figures are merging Christianity and sex positivity — that is, the belief that all forms of sexual expression between consenting adults are permissible and should be destigmatized.

That follows a general cultural trend: Over the past two decades, Americans have become increasingly accepting of sex outside marriage, LGBTQ relationships and more, according to Gallup.

Thanks in part to the ubiquity of these views on social media, some Christians say they are coming to view a healthy relationship with one’s sexuality as spiritually beneficial and even in line with the Bible.

In 2020, the Pew Research Center found that half of U.S. Christians consider casual sex — defined in the survey as sex between consenting adults who are not in a committed romantic relationship — acceptable at least some of the time.

And in a survey that year of 133 Christian college students across the United States, Aditi Paul, an assistant professor of communication studies at Pace University, found that 80 percent of Christian students masturbate, 68 percent watch pornography and 60 percent have had between one and six casual hookup partners.

The majority of students agreed that casual sex is acceptable; one-night standards are enjoyable; and an individual does not need to be committed to someone to have sex with the person, Paul’s survey found.

Xaya Lovelle, 28, a sex worker in New Orleans, said she had always felt at odds with the sexual mores she had learned in the Roman Catholic Church. But she didn’t feel validated in that perspective, she said, until as a 17-year-old she read “The Purity Myth” by the feminist writer Jessica Valenti. The book argues that American society’s obsession with virginity hurts young women.

Two years later, she started web-camming (which involved live broadcasts and private shows), because she found that “sex wasn’t incompatible with Jesus’ teachings,” she said. Since then, Lovelle added, other Christians, including the nonbinary Catholic mystic sex worker William October, have affirmed her belief that “sex positivity is largely about acceptance of other people and withholding judgment, which reflects Jesus’ actions.”

Alexa Davis, 23, a blogger in Illinois, was raised in a nondenominational church that taught that sex was only for marriage. But she started questioning this dogma in her teens as she came across sex-positive ideas online, from secular figures including video-blogger Laci Green and from religious leaders including the Philadelphia-based Rev. Beverly Dale.

“It felt reassuring to see that confirmation from a practicing minister that sex is meant to be positive,” she recalls of reading an article about Dale, who created the YouTube series “Sex Is Good.”

Dale grew up on a farm in Illinois in the 1950s and attended the Christian Church. Her family didn’t discuss sex at all, making it seem forbidden and shameful, she said. The role of women in her community, she remembers, was “to take care of and teach children and work in potluck oversight in the church.”

“It was the women’s movement that taught me it was okay to be a female and it was perfectly fine to be a sexual female at that,” Dale added. “Once I realized this, I turned to my Christian teachings and the church with a lot of anger.”

Christianity in the United States stems largely from a Puritan tradition that sees the desires of the flesh as contrary to those of the spirit. It wasn’t until the 1970s that women began entering seminaries in larger numbers and publishing writing that critiqued mainstream Christian views of sex, influenced by second-wave feminism. In the 1980s, Dale attended the Chicago Theological Seminary, where she got to read these works, she said, which helped her contextualize her “sex-phobic” upbringing.

“The reason I began to heal was because of feminist theologians,” she added. “If I had stayed with such negative thinking about myself as a woman and denied my own sexuality, I’m convinced I would have died — if not physically, then certainly spiritually.”

New Orleans-based minister Lyvonne Briggs, who shares her sex-positive beliefs on Instagram and hosts the spiritual online learning community Sensual Faith Academy, was raised similarly; she attended a Caribbean Episcopal church, which didn’t talk about sex, and was indoctrinated into purity culture in college, she said. She began to shift her perspective while getting a master of divinity degree at Yale Divinity School. There, Briggs said, she came to understand Jesus as a radical figure, one different from the version of Jesus she had learned about in church growing up.

>On examining the Bible, Briggs said, she found that Jesus had little to say about sex. “What we were told Jesus said are actually gross misinterpretations of the Bible,” she said. “We have to be honest about who wrote the Bible, who’s been translating the Bible, and who it serves us to believe Jesus condemned.”

Dale believes that Jesus uplifted and associated with women in ways that were progressive in his time. “U.S. Christians … have been teaching ideas about sex from sexually conflicted, misogynistic church fathers instead of Jesus,” she said. “If Jesus were their guide, Christians would discount the pleasure police in the church as party poopers.”

Rather than coming from the Bible, Dale said, many sex-negative Christian ideas came from writers born after Jesus’ time, such as Saint Augustine and Saint Jerome. It was Augustine, for instance, she said, who developed the concept of “original sin” — sin passed to a child by sex itself.

Dale and Briggs advocate for interpretations of the Bible that celebrate sexual pleasure. In the biblical book the Song of Solomon, for instance, a female narrator speaks of a lover in erotic terms.

“These lovers are not mentioned as being married; they’re not in the same household,” said Joy Bostic, an associate professor of religious and Africana studies at Case Western Reserve University. “This text, which is an official part of the Bible, echoes medieval mystics, who talk a great deal about spiritual ecstasy as akin to sexual ecstasy.”

As more Christians are being exposed to alternative readings and less-talked-about parts of the Bible, some are denouncing the directives to wait until marriage to have sex or to condemn forms of sexual expression such as LGBTQ relationships and sex work.

Others take pieces of Christian thinking without subscribing to them fully: In her study, Pace University’s Paul found that many students had adopted modified versions of traditional Christian rules, such as not having sex with someone unless intending to marry that person, avoiding in-person sex but still sexting partners, or engaging in hookups but refraining from intercourse. She also found that increasing numbers of students are identifying as both Christian and LGBTQ.

Roya King, a retired Unitarian Universalist bishop in Ohio, was already working in ministry when she started identifying as queer in 2009. When other leaders in her church spoke against same-sex marriage, she recalls, “the idea that I could perform a wedding ceremony but could never participate in one kind of shook me at the core.”

She made a point thereafter to speak to her congregation about LGBTQ rights, she said: “I talked about all people being in the image of God.” And she preached that everything God creates, including sexuality, is holy and should be celebrated, she said.

Other Christians say their sex positivity stems simply from what Jesus deemed the most important commandments: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind,” and “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

“If what I am doing leaves me aligned with these three commands [love God, love yourself and love others], I can rest easy knowing I’m living in the fullness of this life God has given me,” said Chris Chism, a pastor at the House Dallas church who identifies as gay.

To this end, he added, “it’s the job of our spiritual leaders to facilitate safe conversation — free of condemnation and shame.” Those negative reactions, he added, “are the conduits to unhealthy relationships, unsafe sex practices and even hardcore drug use that has ravaged our communities.”

For King, the most important thing is spreading the word that Jesus provides salvation for the entire world, not just for certain people who live a certain way.

“We have ostracized so many people because of who they are, who they really are,” she said. “We need to preach a gospel of inclusion and love. We can’t get where we need to be without it.”

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