6 Tips To Overcome Orgasm Anxiety For Better Sex

— Feeling anxious about orgasms can affect sexual pleasure, here’s how to cope.

By Habeeb Akande

Orgasm anxiety is a topic that doesn’t get enough attention, but it’s a real issue that affects a lot of women.

What is orgasm anxiety?

Orgasm anxiety is a sense of nervousness and stress surrounding the ability to orgasm, typically during partnered sexual activity. Orgasm anxiety can manifest itself by hyperfocusing on achieving orgasm or excessively worrying about a lack of orgasm.

What causes orgasm anxiety?

A lack of sex-positive, pleasure-focused sex education is a significant cause of orgasm anxiety.

In our sexually liberated society, many women feel pressured to have great sex with mind-blowing orgasms. While great strides have been made to help women orgasm by self-stimulation, millions of women struggle to orgasm when a man is involved.

The ability to orgasm is of primary concern among women, with approximately 25% of women having never experienced an orgasm or having difficulty experiencing one. Even more women do not orgasm during partnered sex, with a study reporting that only 18.4% of women orgasm during intercourse alone.

Some men know how to bring a woman to orgasm. Many women are not informed or confident enough to tell men what they need to orgasm. It’s a taboo topic that must be addressed if we want to close the orgasm gap.

Six tips for overcoming orgasm anxiety and enjoying sex more

For women who want to overcome orgasm anxiety and experience sexual fulfillment, here are six tips:

1. Stop overthinking and practice mindfulness

Overthinking is when you repeat your negative thoughts and feelings, examine them, and question them. Some women overthink more than men due to brain activity, as shown in a study by the Amen Clinics.

Overthinking causes stress and anxiety, the most common reasons why 58% of women don’t orgasm. Feeling anxious can cause orgasm difficulties as it creates a barrier to sexual fulfillment.

According to experts, overthinking is the most significant barrier to women’s orgasms. It’s similar to ‘spectatoring’. For example, focusing on oneself from a third-person perspective during sexual activity rather than focusing on one’s sensations or sexual partner.

In the bedroom, a lot of women overthink and find it challenging to climax due to the negative thoughts. “Overthinking gives you tunnel vision that can only focus on what’s wrong in your life,” writes renowned psychologist Dr. Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, who helps women who ruminate too much. To stop overthinking, shift your perspective from “what’s wrong?” to “what’s not wrong?” Adopt a pleasure-positive perspective to become orgasmic.

For many women, the practice of mindfulness is vital to overcoming orgasm anxiety. Learn how to be present during intimacy to enjoy sexual pleasure.

2. Focus on pleasure, not climax

While most women can easily stimulate themselves to orgasm, up to 65% of women do not orgasm during sexual intercourse, even with clitoral stimulation.

If orgasm anxiety is preventing you from having an orgasm with a partner, it might be worth focusing on sexual pleasure instead. Goal-orientated sex can create a lot of internalized pressure and may leave you feeling frustrated when you don’t orgasm.

Pressure can create anxiety and make it even more difficult to orgasm. The expectation to climax is known as the orgasm imperative.

Prioritizing sexual pleasure can help relieve orgasm worries.

Take the focus off the orgasmic goal and follow the pleasure journey. You are more likely to reach orgasm when you are on the road to pleasure.

3. You’re not broken, you’re normal

It’s common for women to experience orgasm anxiety at some stage in their life. Many women find it challenging to climax or have never experienced an orgasm, and that’s okay. Remember, when it comes to orgasm, there is no such thing as “normal.”

Every woman is different, and every woman has different orgasmic experiences. What works for one woman may not work for another, and that’s okay. Some women do not orgasm until their forties or even later, and that’s okay.

It’s important to understand that you are not abnormal, damaged, or broken because you do not orgasm as often as you would like or expect.

Learn what works for you and set realistic expectations without comparing yourself to others.

4. Communicate your feelings

Effective communication is vital to overcoming orgasm anxiety. Open communication in a safe and non-judgmental way can help eradicate bedroom stress.

If you are in a relationship, speak to your partner about your desires, preferences, and boundaries. It can help him understand your needs and learn how to support you.

Often, women will speak to their female friends about bedroom issues and assume that men are not concerned about their needs. It’s important to remember that men are not mind readers. We think differently to women, and that’s okay. This is why it’s critical to communicate your needs and desires effectively.

You can show your partner how you like to be touched or guide him with your hands to help you discover new sensations.

5. Try new techniques

The route to climax varies among women. If you’re someone who struggles to orgasm during sex, try different techniques to help you achieve the elusive big O.

Researchers at the sexual pleasure platform OMGYES identified four techniques to help women increase sexual pleasure. According to the OMGYES Pleasure Report, adult women in America reported that the “shallowing,” “pairing,” “rocking,” and “angling” techniques made vaginal intercourse more pleasurable.

Intercourse is only one technique for lovemaking; women can reach orgasm through non-penetrative techniques such as kunyaza. It’s a myth that orgasm should occur through intercourse alone.

Find the technique that works for you!

6. Learn what gives you pleasure

Many women have convinced themselves that they are unable to orgasm because they’ve experienced years of unsatisfactory sex. It can also be challenging to open up to a partner or friends about orgasmic dysfunction. A lack of sexual knowledge can lead to bedroom anxiety.

Misinformation about women’s sexuality is rampant, as there are many misconceptions about female sexual arousal and women’s orgasm. Such misinformation has contributed to many women feeling inadequate.

Hollywood actress and author Kim Cattrall believed she was unable to orgasm until she experienced her first orgasm in her forties. Despite playing a sexually confident character on screen, Cattrall struggled to orgasm until she met her third husband and learned what turns her on.

Educating yourself about women’s experiences can help normalize your path to sexual satisfaction.

Complete Article HERE!

Here’s How Anxiety Affects Your Ability To Orgasm

By Claire Fox, GiGi Engle

If you’re someone who deals with stress and anxiety, the unwanted mental and physical effects can creep up during the most inopportune times. Perhaps you’re just hanging out, catching up on the latest episode of your favourite TV show and suddenly you begin to worry about everything in your life. Maybe you’re worrying about nothing in particular, but feel panicky nonetheless. Symptoms of anxiety include ruminating in your own thoughts, focusing on past regrets, a racing heart, sweaty palms, and a general feeling of impending doom. It’s a sneaky not-so-little feeling that can happen at any moment. And one of the worst moments it can strike is when you’re having sex and trying to orgasm.

“Anxiety and stress can have a huge impact on someone’s physical and mental health all around the body and, unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for sex, arousal and pleasure to be affected, too,” AASECT-certified sex therapist Melissa Cook tells Refinery29. During sex you’ll want to be present and enjoy the moment, but if you’re feeling anxiety during the act — whether it’s related or unrelated to sex — that can be a problem for your pleasure and your partner’s. This inability to be in the moment can affect your ability to climax.

Of course, orgasming isn’t the only goal of sex, but for many, it’s an important part of the sexual experience. And if you’re feeling anxious during foreplay, intercourse, oral play, or other sexual activities, reaching climax becomes harder, making it feel almost unreachable. Here’s exactly how feelings of anxiousness and stress can mess with your orgasms, and what you can do about it.

Anxiety Kills The Mood In Your Brain

For many people, focus is a critical element in experiencing an orgasm. And this is especially the case for those with vulvas. Many of us are conditioned to cater to our partner’s pleasure (especially if that partner is a cis man), putting it above our own, as society has long given precedent to the male orgasm. For those who aren’t men, orgasm can often feel secondary: great if it occurs, but certainly not necessary for a complete sexual experience.

Focusing on our bodies, without shame, can prove very difficult given this context. Though it varies from person to person, it takes the average woman about twenty minutes to become aroused enough to have intercourse. Allowing yourself the time to relax and get to that place can be an anxious person’s personal hell.

When you’re anxious, you typically can’t focus or be “in the mood” to orgasm. According to Avril Louise Clarke, a clinical sexologist and intimacy coordinator at ERIKALUST, anxiety has the ability to disrupt sexual energy and pull you entirely out of a positive headspace. “These negative emotions can interfere with the body’s ability to relax and fully engage in sexual activities,” she says. “The ‘fight or flight’ response triggered by stress can lead to heightened tension, making it difficult to reach orgasm.” In other words, when your mind is elsewhere, it creates a barrier to sexual pleasure.

“What’s more, when someone is anxious, they may be more likely to be self-critical of themselves, including about their body or sexual performance,” Cook adds. “This can affect someone’s self-worth and their overall sexual body image which can prevent someone from reaching orgasm or fully enjoying the experience.”

And it’s not just orgasms that are impacted by anxiety and stress. “In fact, sex as a whole can be affected by these feelings,” Cook explains. “To begin with, any type of stress, but especially chronic stress, can decrease someone’s desire to have sex. An anxious or stressed mind can result in someone not being fully present in the moment, meaning they lack libido or struggle to focus during sex.”

Anxiety Messes With Arousal

Stress and anxiety have long been linked to physical sexual concerns, as well. “This is because anxiety and stress can alter the body’s blood vessels and constrict them which makes it harder for someone to experience arousal and pleasure as during an orgasm the blood vessels rush to the genitalia.”

When you are aroused and when you orgasm, the body is flooded with dopamine, the brain’s motivation hormone, and oxytocin, the “love hormone,” which promotes feelings of tranquillity, closeness, and pair bonding. It’s a cocktail of all things that feel good.

When you’re stressed, your body releases cortisol, the body’s stress hormone. It is basically the arch-nemesis of orgasms. “Studies have found that an increase in the hormone cortisol can reduce overall sensitivity, again making it harder for that person to feel aroused and achieve orgasm,” Cook says. Plus, apart from stress’ impact on sex, studies have also linked cortisol to poor sleep, weight gain, and overall feelings of personal distress.

Because of these hormonal changes, stress and anxiety can also lead to vaginal discomfort. “In women, anxiety can result in the vagina muscles contracting frequently which can make penetration very challenging and sometimes painful,” Cook says. This can lead to pain, spotting, or tearing during sex. In short, anxiety impedes your ability to create the hormones needed to become properly sexually aroused.

How To Stop Anxiety From Hindering Your Orgasms

So how exactly can you have more orgasms and try to quiet the anxious thoughts inside your brain? “The most important thing to remember is you’re not alone and there are plenty of steps you can take that will help you to hopefully feel more relaxed in the bedroom and get closer to achieving orgasm,” Cook says.

Forget About Orgasms

For one, when you put pressure on yourself to orgasm, you become more stressed about not orgasming, which only makes experiencing orgasm that much harder. It’s a treacherous sexual catch-22. So, you might want to consider taking orgasm off the table for a bit and stop making climax the goal of sex. Learning to give weight to sexual pleasure in and of itself, rather than holding orgasm as the pinnacle of sexual fulfilment is a beneficial practice, in general. If you take away the pressure, sometimes things just flow better and make the whole experience enjoyable.

Communicate With Your Partner/s

Communication between sexual partners also goes a long way to help with stress in the bedroom. “I always advise couples to communicate first, in a safe and non-judgmental way,” says Cook. “Perhaps there is something that you feel you need in order to be able to orgasm or maybe you’d like to do things differently. Either way, you should both listen to each other and create an open environment where you can talk about your desires, preferences and boundaries.”

Build A Relaxing Environment

In the bedroom itself, it can also be helpful to build the right, comfortable atmosphere. “Consider lighting, candles and music to help you to relax and get into the moment,” Cook says. “You may also want to try foreplay in various settings including in the bath to help you to switch off.”

Try Breathwork Exercises

Another way to combat anxiety when it comes creeping in during sex is to simply breathe, which we often forget to do during sex. “Techniques to help you stay calm and focused on the sensations can help too, such as breathwork,” says Cook. Consciously pulling your breath into your body, letting it fill you, and releasing it slowly can help calm your mind and body. For more techniques, check out more breathing exercises here.

Avoid Drugs & Alcohol

Though it may sound counterintuitive, you should also avoid things like alcohol and drugs if you’re having trouble orgasming due to stress and anxiety. “While many see them as a relaxant, it’s also common for them to impact sexual ability and function,” Cook says.

Perhaps most importantly, though, try your best not to panic if you’re feeling anxious during sex. Be open about your feelings with your partner. Accept this challenge as a part of your life and commit to alleviating anxiety, when possible. Remember, it’s OK to ask for help.

Don’t Suffer In Silence

Anxiety — whether it’s a disorder you struggle with daily or something that happens sporadically — is a huge pain, but if we take time to recognise it for what it is and develop skills to cope, we can keep it from messing with our orgasms.

Orgasms aside, it’s also important to recognize the kind of anxiety you experience, whether it is sporadic or a more far-reaching mental health issue. If you experience debilitating anxiety on a regular basis, seeking professional help is a great first step. Society stigmatizes mental health almost as much as it does sex. Depending on the person, anxiety may or may not need the help of outside sources. Regardless, taking control of yours is a sign of strength.

Complete Article HERE!

9 Benefits of Sex Therapy

—The benefits of sex therapy are multiple and go beyond those related to sexual dysfunctions. Take note of all the information.

By Valeria Sabater

Currently, a significant part of the population is unaware of all the benefits of sex therapy. There’s still a certain stigma and the classic belief that only those who present some dysfunction, such as anorgasmia or premature ejaculation, go to these professionals. However, this methodology addresses multiple dynamics and needs.

It’s important to know that its most relevant purpose is to make you feel good. Such an objective implies achieving everything from having satisfactory intimate relationships to building happier bonds with your partner.

Addressing concerns and possible traumas or even giving you guidelines to guide your adolescent children on issues related to sex are also some of the benefits of sex therapy. In this article, we’ll explain everything this form of therapy does for you.

What are the benefits of sex therapy?

Sex therapy was developed in the 1960s, thanks to the marriage of William Masters and Virginia Johnson. Their book, Human Sexual Response (1966), was quite revolutionary because it broke down many prejudices and taboos. Since then, this approach has been strengthened, and it integrates the medical model with the psychological one.

The technique is feasible both for individuals and for couples and is based on conversation that creates a framework of trust from which to provide solutions and tools for having a more harmonious life on both emotional and sexual levels. In addition, it has great scientific endorsement and, every day, contributes to recovering the well-being of thousands of people. Below, we’ll describe the main benefits of sex therapy.

1. It contributes to having a more satisfying sex life

Sex life with your partner may no longer be as exciting or satisfying as it used to be. Sometimes, without any physiological problem, there’s something wrong and it’s difficult to restore that special harmony you used to share. A work published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior indicates that one of the most common causes for which therapy is sought is a discrepancy in sexual desire.

The fact that one partner in the relationship wants to have sex more often, while the other avoids it, is common. Therefore, something a sex therapist will guide and help you with is having a full intimate life. This implies resolving any difficulties, disagreements, or inconveniences in this area.

2. The treatment of sexual problems

Throughout our lives, people can go through different sexual problems. Sometimes it’s a difficulty in achieving an orgasm, while, in other cases, conditioning factors such as menopause, times of stress, or suffering from a disease play a part when it comes to enjoying intimate relationships.

Mayo Clinic Proceedings reports something important in a study. A significant portion of sexual dysfunctions in women go unrecognized and untreated. Men are also often reticent on this issue. For this reason, it’s important for society to become aware of the benefits of sexual therapy. Next, we’ll go into detail about the conditions that the methodology usually addresses:

  • Phobias
  • Paraphilias and sexual fixations
  • Vaginismus
  • Premature ejaculation
  • Male impotence
  • Hypoactive sexual disorder
  • Female Orgasmic Disorder
  • Male Orgasmic Disorder
  • Possible sexual addictions
  • Sexual problems in menopause
  • Dyspareunia (painful intercourse)
  • Sexual difficulties associated with aging
  • Sexual problems associated with other diseases
  • Improving the sex life of couples during and after pregnancy
  • Improving the sex life of people with physical or psychological disabilities

3. Discovery of the most powerful sexual organ

The most decisive sexual organ is your brain, and the best way to have a satisfying sex life is to stimulate your imagination. In this way, some aspects that you’ll work on in therapy are your fantasies and desires.

These dimensions are extraordinary channels for awakening eroticism and enlivening your relationship as a couple, deactivating prejudices, and dismissing shame.

4. Reducing fears and anxiety

Have you heard of sexual performance anxiety? There are many people who doubt their ability to offer pleasure to their partners. The fear of not being up to the task, failing, or appearing clumsy or inexperienced is a frequent reality in clinical practice.

For this reason, one of the benefits of sex therapy is to address fears related to sex. There are multiple strategies that make it easier to effectively resolve insecurities in order to have a rewarding sex life.

Likewise, therapists always create a space of empathy, security, and trust from which to clarify your doubts and receive effective advice in any area. Psychoeducation on sexual matters also falls within their tasks.

The pharmaceutical industry seeks to provide a solution to sexual dysfunctions that can be addressed through sex therapy. Many of the problems in this area have more to do with mental factors than with physiological conditions.

5. Overcoming sexual trauma

An article in the scientific journal Frontiers in Psychology highlights that patients with sexual trauma need a special type of care that provides adequate security and respect for their personal history. Sex therapy has always addressed such delicate realities as abuse, rape, or mistreatment in couple relationships.

6. Enhanced intimacy and emotional connection

Authentic pleasure in sex doesn’t occur in the body but originates in the brain, as we’ve already suggested. If you’re in crisis with your partner and there are unaddressed grudges or disagreements, it’ll be difficult to enjoy intimacy. Given this, a sex therapist guides you to promote coexistence and connection with your loved one through the following strategies:

  • Teaching resources to solve problems
  • Offering techniques that improve communication
  • Providing strategies to revive desire in the relationship
  • Facilitating spaces in which partners can get to know each other in a more intimate and profound way
  • Collaborating in better regulating emotions in order to connect in a meaningful way

7. Sex therapy allows you to get to know yourself much better

One of the most notable benefits of sex therapy is its impact on your mental health. Sex goes beyond the biological field: It’s also a psychological dimension and, above all, a cultural one. Sometimes, the way you’re educated or even the prejudices you have on this subject condition your ability to enjoy a full life in this regard.

The specialist in this area will allow you to explore and get to know yourself better as a person. You’ll be able to understand your sexuality, fantasies, and desires. No matter your age or the personal moment in which you find yourself, you always have time to look within yourself, drop your defenses, reformulate misconceptions about sex, and enjoy it.

8. It’s an inclusive therapy

Today’s sex therapy is also inclusive. What does this mean? You can find therapists trained in sexual diversity. McGill University in Montreal alludes to the advances that exist right now. This clinical field moves with our times and works to challenge stereotypes and promote a more inclusive and equitable vision of sexuality.

In this way, members of the LGBTIQ+ community benefit from more sensitive, trained, and effective attention to their particular needs and realities.

9. The prevention of future problems

Sex therapy not only addresses problems and educates us in the field of sexuality, but it also has a decisive role in prevention. Even if right now you feel good in your life as a couple and have good intimate health, it never hurts to learn new tools to avoid or address possible future problems.

Knowing, for example, how daily stress affects sexuality or how to respond to monotony in your emotional bond through new approaches are strategies that therapists educate you.

How to find a sex therapist who can help me?

Remember, you don’t have to wait for serious problems in order to start sex therapy. It’s best to go as soon as you have a concern or doubts or don’t feel satisfaction with your intimate life. If you want to look for a therapist in this area, look at the fields in which they specialize. There are some professionals who exclusively address organic or medical aspects.

However, most are prepared to treat both possible dysfunctions and relational problems and advise you on any aspect related to sexuality. Always contact specialists who follow techniques backed by science and don’t forget the most decisive thing: Being honest. Don’t be afraid to express your needs and concerns. Only then will you receive the best care possible.

It might interest you…

Complete Article HERE!

A ‘failure to launch’

— Why young people are having less sex

By Hannah Fry

Vivian Rhodes figured she would eventually have sex.

She was raised in a Christian household in Washington state and thought sex before marriage would be the ultimate rebellion. But then college came and went — and no sex. Even flirting “felt unnatural,” she said.

In her early 20s, she watched someone she followed on Tumblr come out as asexual and realized that’s how she felt: She had yet to develop romantic feelings for anyone, and the physical act of sex just didn’t sound appealing.

“Some people assume this is about shaming other people, and it’s not,” said Rhodes, 28, who works as a certified nursing assistant in Los Angeles. “I’m glad people have fun with it and it works for them. But I think sex is kind of gross. It seems very messy, and it’s vulnerable in a way that I think would be very uncomfortable.”

For what researchers say is an array of reasons — including technology, heavy academic schedules and an overall slower-motion process of growing up — millennials and now Gen Zers are having less sex, with fewer partners, than their parents’ and grandparents’ generations did. The social isolation and transmission scares of the COVID-19 pandemic have no doubt played a role in the shift. But researchers say that’s not the whole story: The “no rush for sex” trend predates the pandemic, according to a solid body of research.

UCLA has been tracking behavioral trends for years through its annual California Health Interview Survey, the largest state health survey in the nation. It includes questions about sexual activity. In 2021, the survey found, the number of young Californians ages 18 to 30 who reported having no sexual partners in the prior year reached a decade high of 38%. In 2011, 22% of young people reported having no sexual partners during the prior year, and the percentage climbed fairly steadily as the decade progressed.

California adults ages 35 to 50 who participated in UCLA’s 2021 survey also registered an increase in abstinence from 2011 to 2021. But with the percentage of “no sex” respondents rising from 9% to 14% during that time frame, the increase was not as pronounced.

The broader trend of young adults forgoing sex holds true nationally.

The University of Chicago’s General Social Survey — which has been following shifts in Americans’ behavioral trends for decades — found that 3 in 10 Generation Z males, ages 18 to 25, surveyed in 2021 reported having gone without sex the prior year. One in four Gen Z women also reported having had no sex the prior year, according to Jean Twenge, a San Diego State University psychology professor who reviewed the data for her book “Generations.”

In an age where hook-ups might seem as unlimited as a right swipe on a dating app, it’s easy to assume that Gen Z “should be having the time of their lives sexually,” Twenge said.

But that’s not how it’s playing out. Twenge said the decline has been underway for roughly two decades.

She attributed the slowdown in sexual relations most significantly to what she calls the “slow-life factor.” Young people just aren’t growing up as fast as they once did. They’re delaying big milestones such as getting their driver’s licenses and going to college. And they’re living at home with their parents a lot longer.

“In times and places where people live longer and education takes longer, the whole developmental trajectory slows down,” she said. “And so for teens and young adults, one place that you’re going to notice that is in terms of dating and romantic relationships and sexuality.”

A slight majority of 18- to 30-year-olds — about 52% — reported having one sexual partner in 2021, a decrease from 2020, according to the UCLA survey. The proportion of young adults who reported having two or more sexual partners also declined, from 23% in 2011 to 10% in 2021.

Though sex was on the decline in the years leading into the pandemic, COVID-19 made dating trickier.

Many people tightened their social circles when the pandemic surged in 2020 and 2021. And young people’s reliance on cellphones and apps for their social interactions only intensified when in-person meet-ups posed a risk of serious illness.

In general, people coming of age in an era of dating apps say the notion of starting a relationship with someone they meet in person — say a chance encounter at a bar or dance club — seems like a piece of nostalgia. Even friendships are increasingly forged over texting and video chats.

“A lot of young people when you talk to them will say their best friends are people they’ve never met,” said Jessica Borelli, a professor of psychological science at UC Irvine. “Sometimes they live across the country or in other countries, and yet they have these very intimate relationships with them. … The in-person interface is not nearly as essential for the development of intimacy as it might be for older people.”

Ivanna Zuniga, 22, who recently graduated from UC Irvine with a degree in psychological sciences, said her peers have largely delayed sex and romance to focus on education and career. Zuniga, who is bisexual, has been with her partner for about four years. But their sex life is sporadic, she said, adding that they hadn’t been intimate in the month leading up to her graduation.

“I’ve been really preoccupied with my studies, and I’m always stressed because of all the things I have going on,” she said. “My libido is always shot, and I don’t really ever think about sex.”

The sexless phenomenon has made its way into pop culture. Gone are the days when meet-cutes in bars leading to one-night stands and sex at college parties were the cornerstone of coupling in films.

In “No Hard Feelings,” released this year, a 32-year-old woman is hired by “helicopter parents” to deflower their shy 19-year-old son. At a party, the woman frantically searching for her date busts open bedroom doors where she expects to find people feverishly tangled in sheets. Instead, she finds teens sitting side by side on a bed, fully clothed, scrolling their phones or playing virtual reality games. Bemused, she yells, “Doesn’t anyone f— anymore?”

While there are practical benefits to waiting to be in a physical relationship, including less risk of sexually transmitted diseases and unplanned pregnancy, Twenge argued that there are also downsides to young people eschewing sex and, more broadly, intimacy. Unhappiness and depression are at all-time highs among young adults, trend lines Twenge ties to the rise of smartphones and social media. And she noted with concern the steady decline in the birth rate.

“It creates the question of whether Social Security can survive,” Twenge said. “Will there be enough young workers to support older people in the system? Will there be enough young workers to take care of older people in nursing homes and in assisted-care facilities?”

Zuniga, who plans to pursue a doctorate in clinical psychology, can’t imagine pausing her education or career to have children, so safe sex is particularly important, she said. Others interviewed said “horror stories” involving friends who contracted herpes or other sexually transmitted infections had turned them off from casual sex.

“I prioritize my studies too much, and I can’t fathom the thought of having my identity as an academic fall secondary to being a mother,” Zuniga said. “Moving out of the income bracket that you’re born into is so hard to do, and a very secure way to do it is through education.”

For Rhodes, not having sex has taken a lot of the pressure off social interactions.

“It lets me relax,” she said. “It’s not that I don’t care about how I look or how I come off to other people. But I have a little extra help caring less about it, because I don’t have to worry about attracting specific kinds of people for specific things.”

And she pushes back against the notion that shying away from sex is some sort of societal problem that needs to be “fixed.” It might even be a sign that young people have more control of their bodies and desires, she said.

“Maybe you don’t have to have sex all the time,” Rhodes said. “Maybe if you’re doing other things in your life, and you’ve got other priorities, or you just don’t feel like it, that can be a good enough answer.”

Complete Article HERE!

Epilepsy and Sex

— How Epilepsy Can Affect Sexual Health

By Serenity Mirabito RN, OCN

Attention to sexual health in people with epilepsy is often lacking. Sexual dysfunction, however, is a side effect of epilepsy and the medications that treat it.

Although not fully understood, epilepsy can also cause endocrine disorders that negatively impact the reproductive system, leading to infertility. People with epilepsy need to talk to their healthcare providers about ways to prevent sexual problems when diagnosed with the condition.

This article addresses the cause of sexual problems in people with epilepsy and how to treat them.

What Is the Connection Between Sexual Problems and Epilepsy?

Sexual problems like decreased libido or inability to orgasm are more likely to occur in people with epilepsy compared to those who don’t have the disease. Because the brain is responsible for both epilepsy and sexual behavior, there is a connection between the two, which includes:

  • Brain excitability: Sexual dysfunction in people with epilepsy sometimes depends on the part of the brain from which the seizure originates. People with right-sided temporal lobe epilepsy have the highest rates of sexual dysfunction. People with partial epilepsy suffer from sexual dysfunction more than those with idiopathic generalized epilepsy.
  • Sex hormones: Abnormal secretion of sex hormones is common in people with epilepsy. Low testosterone and estradiol levels are associated with epilepsy and sexual dysfunction.
  • Endocrine disorders: People with epilepsy have fluctuating hormone levels that are either complicated by endocrine disorders or cause them. The hormonal instability and endocrine diseases further worsen sexual problems in men and women, including the ability to conceive.
  • Psychological effects: People with epilepsy often complain of poor self-esteem and stigma around their illness. A limited ability to work, drive, or attend school can lead to depression and anxiety. The added fear of having a seizure during sex can also inhibit the desire for intimacy.

Do Drugs That Treat Epilepsy Cause Sexual Problems?

Not only do seizures, hormones, and psychological issues diminish sexual function, but the medications that treat epilepsy also impact sexual health. Some anti-epileptic drugs (AEDs) cause elevated liver enzymes that lead to suppressed sex hormones. Other AEDs have a depressive effect on the brain that can leave people feeling sedated and uninterested in sex.

AEDs known for increasing liver enzymes and decreasing sex hormones include:

Speak to your healthcare provider about how anti-epileptic drugs could affect your sexual health.

How Are Sexual Problems Due to Antiepileptic Drugs Treated?

Some AEDs effectively treat seizures and have minimal sexual side effects. Changing medications may be an option depending on the type and severity of the seizure disorder. AEDs that have a decreased implication for sexual dysfunction are:

If switching AEDs doesn’t work, you may be able to take medications that help treat sexual dysfunctions. These include:

Reducing the dose of the AED, building up a tolerance to the medication, and taking the drug after sex may improve sexual ability. It may take various approaches to find the best solution for improved sexual health, but keeping an open dialogue with your healthcare provider is essential.

Symptoms and Gender Differences

Sexual problems in people with epilepsy can affect up to 60% of men and 50% of women. Although men and women with epilepsy may experience decreased libido, other sexual problems manifest differently in each gender.

Men

In addition to decreased testosterone levels and the side effects of AEDs, performance anxiety can cause the following sexual problems in men with epilepsy:

Women

Endocrine disorders, low levels of female hormones, menstrual irregularities, and psychiatric conditions have been linked to sexual and reproductive dysfunctions in women with epilepsy.

Epileptic women often experience the following sexual problems:

In addition, endocrine disorders that affect fertility in women with epilepsy are:

How Are Sexual Problems With Epilepsy Treated?

Treating sexual problems associated with epilepsy begins by telling your healthcare provider. Various methods can help improve sexual dysfunction in people with epilepsy. Some options that may help include:

  • Hormone replacement therapy: Replacing testosterone and estradiol may improve sexual health.
  • Medications: Drugs are available to help increase sexual desire and treat conditions like premature ejaculation.
  • Improving mental health: Treating underlying depression and anxiety can help with intimacy.
  • Lubrication: Vaginal pain and dryness during sex can be relieved with water-based lubrication.
  • Erection management: Prevent or reduce penile flaccidity by placing an elastic band at the base of the penis, using vacuum devices, or using an intracavernosal injection of vasodilators.
  • Brain surgery: Research found anterior temporal lobectomy resulted in being seizure-free in 60% of patients. Those patients also reported significant improvement in sexual function.

Summary

People with epilepsy often experience sexual problems. Hormonal abnormalities, endocrine disorders, fear, and side effects of treatment may lead to sexual dysfunctions. Depression, loneliness, and anxiety can occur if sexual health is not seriously addressed. There are various methods available for improving sexual impairments in people with epilepsy. Talk to your healthcare provider about ways to prevent sexual problems if you have been diagnosed with epilepsy.

A Word From Verywell

Sexual health plays a valuable role in the quality of life; many people feel unsatisfied and disconnected when it’s poor. If you’ve been diagnosed with epilepsy and are struggling with libido, the ability to orgasm, infertility, or depression, you are not alone. Speaking to your healthcare provider about these symptoms so they can help you feel better is essential.

Verywell Health uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Complete Article HERE!

Anxiety and Erectile Dysfunction

— Is there a connection?

 

By Jana Abelovska

It may surprise you that your genitals are not your primary sex organ; your brain is! The brain plays a significant role in your ability to feel aroused. If you find it difficult to relax, it will be challenging to get aroused or reach orgasm.

Having trouble maintaining an erection isn’t always linked with age. Men often experience ED at some point. The good news is that you can now identify the cause of ED, which will usually go away with treatment.

Anxiety refers to feelings of nervousness, worry, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome. Anxiety means continuous stress or fear after the source of this stress or concern has passed. Anxiety is the most prevalent mental health condition in the Uk, and 20% of men will likely experience anxiety at some stage. You may get Viagra pills online from a trusted pharmacy if you have ED.

The causes of ED may be both psychological and physical. The success of treatment for physical reasons depends on your condition. Studies reveal that psychological factors are the most significant cause of ED. Psychological factors, like emotional and environmental factors, are usually curable. It includes stress and anxiety.

Anxiety plays a significant role in erectile dysfunction (ED) development. Psychological and behavioral responses to erectile dysfunction may lead to a heinous cycle of increased uneasiness, distance and conflicts. It, in turn, leads to fewer sexual encounters, less time spent together and a lack of communication between partners.

You might wonder how something you experience in your mind may cause erectile dysfunction. A number of key factors play a role when it comes to achieving an erection. Your nervous system, muscles, blood vessels, hormones, and emotions play a role in erection.

  • Stress and anxiety may trigger an increase in the production of stress hormones and a decrease in testosterone levels, which plays a role in the sex drive.
  • Stress and anxiety may trigger how the brain sends signals to your penis to allow for better blood flow.
  • Stress and anxiety may affect your self-esteem and feelings of desire.

Increased stress and anxiety may also increase your risk for other health conditions that may cause ED, like:

  • High blood pressure
  • High cholesterol levels
  • Heart disease
  • Obesity
  • Excessive alcohol consumption

How does anxiety cause erectile dysfunction?

Men experience three types of erections:

  • Reflexive erection due to physical stimulation
  • Psychogenic erection due to visual or mental associations
  • Nocturnal erection during sleep

These types of erections involve vital bodily systems and processes. A disruption in any of these processes may cause ED. These include:

  • Nervous system
  • Blood vessels
  • Muscles
  • Hormones
  • Emotions

Mental health conditions like stress and anxiety may also affect how the brain signals the body’s physical response. Stress and anxiety may affect how the brain sends messages to your penis to allow extra blood flow.

Stress and anxiety about erectile dysfunction may also contribute to a cycle of ongoing ED. Experiencing ED may lead to behavioral changes that contribute to anxiety and incidences of ED.

Reasons for erectile dysfunction

Men of all ages may experience ED in some shape or form caused by stress.

  • Psychological erectile dysfunction (mainly nervousness and anxiety) affects about 90% of teenagers and young men. This form of psychological erectile dysfunction is normally short-lived.
  • Men over 30 are more likely to deal with personal and professional stress, leading to erectile dysfunction. Personal and professional stress, such as relationship trouble, is the primary reason for ED in middle-aged men.
  • Impotence is the most prevalent cause for older men. Life circumstances, such as losing a partner or adjusting to retirement, may cause stress and anxiety, which can, in turn, cause erectile dysfunction.

How do you know if erectile dysfunction is psychological?

Whether you have discussed it with your healthcare professional, a few signs may suggest that erectile dysfunction is psychological. Ask yourself these questions:

  • Are you interested in sex and love your partner but have difficulty performing?
  • Do you experience morning erections?
  • Are you under much stress or have immense anxiety?
  • Do you get anxious about satisfying your partner?

An affirmative answer to any of the above questions doesn’t necessarily indicate that ED is psychological. Still, it may tell that one or several psychological factors affect your symptoms. It’s imperative to talk to your healthcare provider if you think ED may have something to do with your mental health issues, such as anxiety or major depression.

How to beat psychological erectile dysfunction?

Erectile dysfunction may occur for various reasons, from physical issues like high blood pressure and heart diseases to psychological ones like anxiety and depression. To treat psychological erectile dysfunction in the best way is to focus on the root of the problem, whether it is some mental illness or simply feelings of guilt about sex.

Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) is a standard treatment for psychological issues, including depression and anxiety. The therapy helps to identify and change unhealthy thought patterns and behaviour that may contribute to erectile dysfunction and sexual health issues.

This kind of treatment relies on the idea that the situation (your inability to get or maintain an erection) isn’t the core problem; instead, your reaction to it is. If you learn to understand your thought patterns better, you may positively change them to resolve the issues.

The next option is psychosexual therapy or sex therapy. It is a specialized form of counseling that helps you (and your partner) to overcome sexual issues like erectile dysfunction. However, it is essential to realize that discussing erectile dysfunction with your healthcare provider and partner is integral to the healing process.

What should you do if you are having issues?

Whether in a relationship or single, changes in the sex drive and your ability to get an erection may be confronting issues. If you are in a relationship, speak with your partner about how you feel. A problem shared is a problem halved. Understanding between you and your partner will help you work through the sexual issues you are having.

If you are single, consider talking to someone you trust, like your friend or a doctor, about changes in your sex drive. Talking through this may help you better understand the next best steps.

Remember that it is normal to feel stressed during this time. It is normal not to feel like having sex. If your sex drive remains low and you have issues with ED for a couple of weeks or more, you should visit your doctor. The doctor may do a physical examination to help understand the causes of your ED and set up a treatment plan.

Conclusion

Stress is an underlying factor in erectile dysfunction. But over time, stress may cause anxiety, which triggers more stress, creating a heinous cycle that’s bad for your mental health and sex life.

Accepting the issue and being honest with your partner takes some weight off your shoulders. If you’re experiencing ED and think it may be psychological, it’s always best to talk to your healthcare provider. He will try to identify the cause of the erectile dysfunction and recommend an appropriate treatment, like medication or therapy.

Complete Article HERE!

I watched the first episode of reality series ‘Good Sex,’ and seeing men ask for sex help was really hot

On the television series “Good Sex,” couples agree to put cameras in their bedrooms during sex and talk about the footage with a coach after.

By

  • The new discovery+ series “Good Sex” has couples put cameras in their bedrooms. A sex coach uses the footage to help improve their intimacy.
  • In the first episode, men reveal their sexual issues, like erectile dysfunction and overall inexperience.
  • The show is a reminder that sex should be a safe space to explore desire and pleasure.

On the new television series “Good Sex,” couples willingly plant video cameras in their bedrooms while they have sex, then fork the tapes over to a sex coach for help.

Caitlin V. Neal, the show’s resident sex coach, has spent more than 10 years helping men with erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and pleasuring women.

Minutes into the first episode, a 48-year-old man named Ben admits he has trouble getting out of his head during sex with his partner Annie, which has led to erectile dysfunction. When Neal later examines video footage of their lovemaking, she finds out Annie’s dog is in the room while they’re getting it on, which interferes with Ben’s ability to focus. In the same episode, a man in his 20s reveals he’s never had sex, and wants to learn how to please a woman before he does, so Neal walks him through different pleasure points by caressing an anatomical model of female genitals.

As Insider’s sex and relationships reporter and advice columnist, I constantly read questions from women who want to save their sex and love lives. So it was refreshing to watch men get candid about their sexual concerns, like when Ben said a disconnect between his brain and body was likely the reason for his “limp dick.”

To me, “Good Sex” is a reminder that sex can be awkward and fulfilling all at once. Like the willingness to ask for help, good sex requires self-awareness, self-love, and feeling safe enough to show you’re still figuring it out.

“Good Sex” takes a raw approach by showing couples in the midst of their sexual mistakes, not just how they resolve them.

A 48-year-old named Ben opened up about difficulty achieving orgasm during sex

Ben said he’s only been with three women in his life, including his current partner of two years, Annie. They said they were both previously married to their college sweethearts.

“As great as our sex is, I’m not able stay hard, or even get hard, sometimes,” Ben told the camera during the first episode. He said current erectile dysfunction issues have made sex feel disheartening and distressing, especially coming from a previous marriage where he wasn’t having a lot of sex.

During their first session with Neal, Ben said erectile dysfunction medication hasn’t helped, and he wants to orgasm during sex with Annie.

According to Neal, the pursuit of good sex challenges people, especially men, to be more emotionally open.

“Sex is an inherently vulnerable act. And so if you’re looking to improve your sex life and you’re serious in your commitment to improving your intimacy, vulnerability is a requirement to getting the results that they want,” Neal said.

According to Neal, the showrunners’ idea to use cameras along with sex coaching made for “exponentially faster transformations, growth, and impact” because she could see what was actually happening, not just hear it from the couple’s blurry recollections.

“Imagine trying to explain, step by step, what happened the last time you had sex with your partner. Especially if you don’t have something to compare it to, it’s really difficult for someone to articulate what actually happened,” Neal, who also has a YouTube channel dedicated to sex advice, told Insider.

Healthy sex and relationships require work

The show offers snippets of each couples’ sex-coaching sessions and the bedroom homework Neal assigns them, but there’s a lot more work going on between scenes, she told Insider.

Each coaching session is between 90 minutes and two hours. It also takes time for a couple to unlearn the sex routines they’ve grown accustomed to over the past five to 30 years, Neal said.

When viewers watch “Good Sex,” Neal hopes they walk away with the realization that a fulfilling sex life requires commitment and help.

“We have no problem hiring career coaches, mechanics, people to install things in our homes. But for some reason, we have the story that sex is something we have to deal with privately, without any help. By putting cameras inside of those closed bedroom doors, we’re able to see this isn’t something you have to deal with in isolation. It’s not something that should be a source of shame,” Neal said.

A dedication to honesty and emotional openness in the name of self-improvement? Now that’s hot.

Complete Article HERE!

A Guide to Sexual Dysfunction

Sexual dysfunction is when you have difficulty at any stage of sexual activity that prevents you, your partner, or both of you from enjoying or performing the act.

This article will define sexual dysfunction. It will also discuss the different types of sexual dysfunction, the causes, and treatments.

By Mandy Baker

What is sexual dysfunction?

Sexual dysfunction is when you have difficulty having or enjoying sexual activity, and it concerns you. It is the result of an issue within your response cycle. The sexual response cycle has various stages:

  • excitement, which includes arousal and desire
  • plateau
  • orgasm
  • resolution

Sexual dysfunction affects people of both sexes assigned at birth. It is also fairly common, affecting over 40% of females and 30% of males. While it can occur at any age, sexual dysfunction is more common among those ages 40–65 years.

Many people avoid talking with their doctor about sexual dysfunction out of embarrassment and discomfort. However, treatments are available to help the issue. If you are experiencing sexual dysfunction, contact your doctor and be open with them so they can suggest the most effective treatment for you.

What are the types of sexual dysfunction?

There are four main categories of sexual dysfunction. These categories include:

  • Desire disorders: These involve your desire and interest in sex. They are also known as low libido or libido disorders.
  • Arousal disorders: This type of disorder means it is difficult or impossible for you to become sexually aroused.
  • Orgasm disorders: These disorders involve delayed or absent orgasms.
  • Pain disorders: These disorders involve pain during intercourse.

There are various types of sexual dysfunction disorders within each category. Some are more common than others.

Hypoactive sexual desire disorder

Hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) is one of the most common sexual dysfunction disorders. HSDD is sometimes a lifelong condition. It can affect anyone.

If you are experiencing HSDD, it means you have little to no sex drive and do not have much interest in sex in general. Someone with HSDD typically shows the following signs:

  • having little to no thoughts or sexual fantasies
  • having no response to sexual suggestions or signals
  • experiencing a loss of desire for sex in the middle of it
  • avoiding sex completely

Erectile dysfunction

Erectile dysfunction (ED) is when you have difficulty getting or maintaining an erection. It is the most common sexual dysfunction males visit their doctor for, affecting more than 30 million people.

It is not uncommon for most males to experience ED from time to time, especially after age 40. However, it becomes an issue when it is progressive or begins to happen more routinely.

ED can be a warning sign of cardiovascular disease. It can also cause:

  • low self-esteem
  • depression
  • distress within the individual and their partner

ED is treatable. Contact your doctor if you are experiencing ED and it is affecting your life or relationships.

Orgasm disorder

It is not uncommon for people, especially females, to have difficulty orgasming from time to time. However, it is more of an issue when:

  • you do not have orgasms
  • it takes a long time for you to orgasm
  • you do not orgasm as often as you would like
  • your orgasms are not as strong as you would like or expect
  • you feel sad, anxious, or concerned

Genital arousal disorder

Genital arousal disorder is when you have difficulty becoming or staying aroused. In females, this often means that the desire to become aroused may be there. However, your body, mind, or both do not react as expected.

These issues with arousal may come from emotional issues, behavioral issues, or an underlying medical condition. Speak with your doctor to help discover the underlying issues and get treatment.

Vulvodynia

Vulvodynia is persistent pain in the vulva that is not due to an infection or other medical condition. The pain typically lasts for at least 3 months. However, it can become a long-term issue as well.

Pain in the vulva area is the main symptom of vulvodynia. This pain may be:

  • burning, stinging, or throbbing
  • sore
  • triggered by touch
  • worse when sitting
  • constantly present in the background
  • widespread

If you are experiencing unexplained pain, contact your doctor.

Premature ejaculation

Premature ejaculation is when you ejaculate sooner than you would like or expect during sexual activity. In the United States, 1 in 3 males between the ages 18–59 experience premature ejaculation.

Premature ejaculation is not always a cause for worry. However, if it is happening routinely, is causing issues in your relationship, or concerns you, contact your doctor.

What are the symptoms of sexual dysfunction?

The symptoms of sexual dysfunction vary depending on the person and the cause of the dysfunction. Some common symptoms do occur, however.

Signs in both males and females

Both males and females may experience:

  • difficulty becoming aroused
  • a lack of sexual desire
  • pain during intercourse

Signs in males

Males with sexual dysfunction may experience:

  • inability to achieve or maintain an erection
  • delayed or absent ejaculation
  • premature ejaculation

Signs in females

Females may experience:

  • vaginal dryness
  • inability to achieve orgasm
  • pain that may be due to vaginal spasm or inflammation of the vulva
  • What causes sexual dysfunction?

    Many possible issues can contribute to the development of sexual dysfunction. These include:

    How do you treat sexual dysfunction?

    Treatment for sexual dysfunction mostly depends on its type and cause. Speak with your doctor to diagnose the underlying cause and find the most effective treatment for you.

    Treatments for sexual dysfunction include:

    • Medication: Medications to treat underlying medical conditions can help sexual dysfunction as well. Certain medications, such as viagra or hormone replacements, may also help. The effectiveness of certain medications depends on the cause.
    • Mechanical aids: Vacuum devices, penis pumps, and penile implants are all possible options if you have trouble achieving or maintaining an erection. For females who experience muscle tightening or spasms, special dilators may help.
    • Therapy: Both psychotherapy and sex therapy can help treat the psychological causes of sexual dysfunction.

    Self-help tips for sexual dysfunction

    Ways you can help yourself with sexual dysfunction include:

    • being open with your partner
    • masturbating
    • limiting your use of alcohol or drugs
    • stopping smoking
    • using lubricants
    • exploring using sex toys
    • limiting your stress
    • exercising regularly
    • practicing kegel exercises

    Summary

    Sexual dysfunction is not uncommon. Both males and females experience it. Many find it embarrassing and uncomfortable to talk about.

    However, many issues that cause sexual dysfunction are treatable. Therefore, speaking with your doctor can help. Being open with your partner about the issues can help your sexual dysfunction and your relationship.

    Sexual dysfunction may be a sign of an underlying medical condition. Contact your doctor if you are experiencing signs of sexual dysfunction and it is causing you concern or affecting your relationships.

  • Complete Article HERE!

Here’s Why Orgasming During Masturbation Can Be Easier Than During Sex

Here are the best ways to beat that pesky performance anxiety.

By

Most of us love to have orgasms, which is why it can be frustrating when some of them come easier than others. You might find you can cum in less than a minute when you’re masturbating to porn by yourself, but then, when you’re with a partner, it’s a whole ‘nother story.

If that’s happening to you, I can confirm you’re not alone. As the sex advice columnist here at Men’s Health, I’ve received countless questions from men who can orgasm no problem during solo masturbation but can’t say the same for when they’re with a partner—even if they’re really attracted to them.

There are numerous possible reasons why you can’t reach completion when with a partner, and, not surprisingly—since your body is clearly capable of having an orgasm—most of them are in your head. (Not the head downstairs—the head that holds your brain.)

“The socially constructed stakes when sexually pleasuring oneself are undeniably different than when you’re [with one or more people],” explains Benjamin Goldman, MHC-LP, a therapist at Citron Hennessey Private Therapy. “During sex, the man is playing the role of a ‘performer,’” Goldman adds. (Not to mention that you might be self-conscious about your penis, worried you won’t be able to stay hard, or about a billion other common stressors.) Meanwhile, during masturbation, you have no audience, making it easier to relax and enjoy the experience.

When you’re stressed about performing, you’re not going to be able to perform. It’s a vicious self-fulfilling prophecy. “Furthermore, when it comes to performance anxiety, we can develop self-downing thoughts that trigger the same hormones and neurotransmitters that the body pumps when you’re stressed or anxious,” Goldman says.

While that loop is really challenging to break, luckily, it’s not impossible.

So, how do you start orgasming with a partner?

The key is reducing anxiety and stress, so here are some tips for getting out of your head when you’re in bed with another partner.

1. Remember that porn is fantasy.

You should not be comparing yourself to the 10-inch dudes who are seemingly pounding away for hours. You don’t see what happens off-screen: all the times he can’t get hard, how he couldn’t cum while doing the money shot, so he’s watching porn on his phone while shooting on their face, etc. Porn isn’t real. So stop expecting to perform like a porn star. If you’re pressuring yourself to perform like all the dudes you see in porn, you’re gonna be on a one-way street to anxiety town—and orgasms require relaxation, not stress.

2. Cool it on watching porn.

Not sure how? Here are some tips! While I’m pro-porn, a 2019 systematic review of 184 articles published in the Journal of Clinical Medicine found that high porn consumption is correlated with desensitization. So if you’re consistently watching kinky 25-person BDSM orgies, it’s going to be tough to orgasm when you’re having missionary sex with just one other person.

3. Incorporate sex toys.

This might not fix the psychological aspect, but my god, do vibrating cock rings and butt plugs feel goddamn amazing. If there’s a toy that you like to use during masturbation, consider using it with your partner! Maybe you even do mutual masturbation side by side, so you’re sort of bridging the gap between solo time and partner play. We have countless articles at Men’s Health with sex toy recommendations, but I’d check out best sex toys for men, best sex toys for couples, best cock rings, and best prostate massagers.

4, Communication, communication, communication!

“Communication and a sense of safety and are essential tools to have more mutually satisfying sex,” Goldman says. “Communicating about your sexual wants and tending to the wants of your partner might help enable more orgasms.” When you feel comfortable and connected with your partner, it’s easier to enjoy sex. When they know exactly what you like, and you know their turn-ons—so you know they’re experiencing pleasure—that also makes it a lot easier to have a fun and relaxed time. This will increase the likelihood of you orgasming.

Additionally, before having sex, I’d let your partner know that you struggle orgasming when with another person. If you want to be cutesy, you can even say, “It’s just a sign that I’m a little nervous because I like you.”

Often when a man can’t cum, the partner thinks it’s their problem. They think, “Is he not into me?” “Am I not hot enough?” “Am I doing something wrong?” So then they feel insecure (or lash out), which creates a terrible sexual dynamic. You’re actually more likely to orgasm when you address it because you know it’s okay if you don’t finish!

Remember, sex isn’t all about orgasming.

Yes, orgasms feel amazing. Yes, we should all strive to have them. “However, it might be valuable to reframe the goal of sex as an orgasm altogether,” Goldman says. “By developing communication and sense of safety, partners may conclude that orgasm, in fact, is not the end goal of sex.”

Let’s be real, guys; sex still feels damn good when you can’t cum. Having an orgasm isn’t the end-all-be-all of sex. So, if you sometimes (or often) can’t, don’t fret. It just means you can have sex for longer, which is not a bad silver lining.

Complete Article HERE!

When Anxiety Joins You in Bed

Performance anxiety during sex can be a dreadful experience. But there are ways to manage it.

by Stephanie A. Wright, RN, BSN and Sandra Silva Casabianca

Sex can be more than just the physical aspect. Emotions, hopes, and fears may also be involved.

Sometimes, personal challenges and insecurities can make you apprehensive about your sexual performance.

Though sexual performance anxiety isn’t a formal diagnosis, it can still be a valid reality for you. But there are a few ways you can learn to manage sexual performance anxiety.

What is performance anxiety?

Performance anxiety refers to significant worry and fear about your ability to execute a specific task. It may also involve concern about how others perceive you.

Performance anxiety is what some people call “stage fright.”

Performance anxiety isn’t a formal mental health diagnosis, but it’s part of social anxiety disorder. This disorder is characterized by fear of social situations in which an individual feels they’ll be exposed to possible scrutiny from others.

You can experience social anxiety:

  • being around strangers
  • having conversations
  • during public speaking

Performance anxiety can manifest in many ways. Not everyone will feel and behave the same when having anxiety about performance situations, so you may not relate to every symptom listed here.

Some common symptoms may include:

  • negative thoughts about oneself
  • blushing and rapid heart rate
  • nausea and vomiting
  • excessive sweating
  • difficulty speaking
  • dizziness
  • intense worry
  • situation avoidance

Feeling anxiety from time to time is expected. But if you live with any anxiety disorder, you might have persistent symptoms that occur during different situations.

If you live with social anxiety, you might constantly worry about how others perceive you and how you navigate social situations.

Sexual performance and anxiety

Sexual performance anxiety refers to the fear of not being able to perform adequately during a sexual encounter. “Adequately” can mean different things to different people. What matters, though, is what you think that involves.

You may feel you won’t be able to meet your partner’s sexual preferences or experiences, which may cause you to have anxiety, for example.

On many occasions, particularly for men, sexual performance anxiety could impact becoming aroused and physically responding to sexual stimulation. This could confirm in your mind that you might not be able to perform well.

Sexual performance anxiety could manifest in many ways, including:

Men and women can experience sexual performance anxiety, and some may experience orgasm anxiety as well.

Literature reviews from 2000 to 2018 found that 9% to 25% of men experience anxiety associated with their sexual performance. In many cases, this anxiety was linked to symptoms of erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation.

The same reviews found that women with sexual performance anxiety account for an estimated 6% to 16% of the female population, and anxiety often manifests as a low sex drive. Anxiety can also prevent females from experiencing orgasm.

Causes of sexual performance anxiety

You may experience sexual performance anxiety for many reasons, including:

  • past experiences
  • biology
  • your upbringing
  • traumatic events

Living with anxiety disorders may also make it more likely that you experience symptoms related to performance.

Personal concerns and expectations may also cause you to have anxiety. But what causes you to experience anxiety may not cause others to have anxiety.

You may feel anxiety about your sexual performance during the first few times you have sex or when you’re just beginning a new partnership.

You could have questions like:

  • Can I trust my partner?
  • Will we become pregnant?
  • Should we wear protection?
  • What will my partner think if I cannot perform?
  • Will they like my body?
  • Do they love me?

Other contributing factors to sexual performance anxiety may include:

  • low self-esteem
  • orgasm anxiety or difficulty in achieving orgasm
  • pain with intercourse
  • decreased sexual drive
  • depression
  • pain chronic conditions
  • changes in physical appearance
  • anxiety disorders
  • trauma

PSYCH CENTRAL RESOURCES

Setting better boundaries starts here

Learn more about defining boundaries in your relationships, practicing consistency, and living with intention with our limited series.

How to manage sexual performance anxiety

A mental health professional can help you explore the whys behind your symptoms of sexual performance anxiety and structure a treatment plan that works for you.

If your symptoms are linked to a specific situation, such as a new partnership, you may find that performance anxiety subsides as you become more comfortable with them.

Complete Article HERE!

What No One Tells You About Sex After Breast Cancer

Treatment can rob women of their breasts, libidos, and self-confidence — here’s how they’re reclaiming their sex lives in the face of it all.

By Jessica Zucker

Carmen Risi, 40, knew there was a good chance she’d one day sit across from a doctor and hear that she had cancer. Her grandmother died from breast cancer, her mother and aunt were both diagnosed with ovarian cancer, and in 2019 she found out she was positive for the BRCA1 gene — an inherited variant that puts people at a much higher risk of developing certain cancers. As a result, Risi spent two years undergoing routine cancer monitoring — every six months, she’d receive an MRI or a mammogram.

In April of 2021, one such MRI found what Risi would later learn was breast cancer.

In addition to six grueling rounds of chemotherapy, Risi decided to take a hormone therapy shot, in order to preserve her fertility in the hopes of soon growing her family — she started IVF before treatment began and has plans for an embryo transfer once she’s done.

One major side effect of the drug? The loss of her sex life as she knew it.

“Lupron has put me into a temporary menopause — complete with hot flashes and a vagina that has completely atrophied,” Risi explains. She wasn’t exactly given a heads up, either. “I have pages of notes about the side effects these various drugs will have on me that I was handed by my doctor,” Risi says. “But there were no notes on how it would affect my sex life. None.”

Shari Goldfarb, M.D., an oncologist specializing in breast cancer at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center, says many women simply don’t realize the sexual side effects that come along with various breast cancer treatments. That’s why she makes sure to discuss with her patients, upfront, the possibility of menopausal symptoms and sexual challenges, such as vaginal dryness and decreased libido. She also encourages her patients to be proactive by using non-hormonal moisturizers, lube, vaginal dilators, and vibrators to make them feel more comfortable about having penetrative sex when they’re ready.

But the emotional side effects can be just as jarring. The temporary menopause combined with the loss of libido thrust Risi into a deep depression that she says left her thinking, “‘What’s wrong with me?'”

Madeline Cooper, LCSW, a psychotherapist and certified sex therapist, says it’s common for cancer patients to experience depression — as well as other mental health struggles — as a result of receiving a cancer diagnosis. “The first thing I tell my clients is that it is normal to go through a grief and mourning period,” Cooper tells InStyle. Being slapped with a breast cancer diagnosis that, for some, is intimately wrapped up in one’s identity as a woman, can affect so many parts of her life: a change in her body, expression of sensuality, sexual desire, pleasure, body image, the list goes on. “You might need to adapt to a new sexual style with your partner, and this might feel like a loss.”

Of course, not everyone already has a committed romantic partner in their life when they receive their cancer diagnosis and undergo treatment. Chiara Riga was a single 27-year-old when she was told last year that she had stage 4, metastatic breast cancer. While her healthcare providers believe she has between 10 to 15 years to live, her diagnosis is terminal, which, needless to say, makes dating — and sex — particularly fraught.

“I’m casually using dating apps, but there are so many different layers to what makes it a struggle for me,” Riga tells InStyle. “There’s the first layer, which is zero libido. Kids are off the table for me, too — certainly biological kids, but there’s also the ethics of adopting a child knowing that my disease is terminal. Then there’s the issue of ‘when do you disclose?’ and ‘how do I disclose?’ I want to date in order to be able to escape this dark reality I’m living in.”

Part of Riga’s treatment, which she will undergo until the end of her life, suppresses her ovaries and estrogen, because her cancer is hormone-fed. This means she is in full-blown menopause, which has essentially eradicated her desire to have sex. And while Riga says she actually doesn’t miss it, the want and ability to have sex would make her dating life much simpler and a hell of a lot more fun. Breast cancer, in a sense, has eliminated frivolous sexual encounters, by shifting the focus from sexual pleasure to long-term support through partnership.

“Who in their late twenties or early thirties is looking for ‘just a partner’? I think [wanting to have sex] would make dating much easier for me,” she explains. “And I do think for the right person, the right relationship really, I’d try to figure something out. I just haven’t found the right person for that yet.”

Even for those who do have a long-term partner — and a libido — to navigate the process with, redefining what sex looks like after breast cancer takes effort. For Risi, that meant finding other ways to experience orgasm (ahem, clitoral stimulation) with her partner once penetrative sex became too painful during chemotherapy. And after her forthcoming double mastectomy, Risi knows she’ll have to contend with not just the loss of her breasts, but the sexual pleasure they bring her. “I don’t want to lose my breasts. I don’t want to lose feeling. My breasts [stimulate me sexually], so to lose that forever is incredibly daunting,” she says, despite knowing it’s the best decision based on her risk factors.

According to Cooper, this reaction is common. Cancer treatments can often be associated with many types of “loss” — be it loss of libido, breasts, hair, a sense of sexiness, comfort in one’s body, identity even — and that loss, even if some are temporary, can be overwhelming at best.

“Breasts and hair can [contribute to] a woman feeling sexy and confident about her body, and this might shift with the loss of either,” she explains. “These changes could cause one’s body image to become a source of feeling turned off rather than turning herself on, and this can reduce sexual desire overall.”

Learning to love her body and reconnect with her sexual desire is something that Mary Purdie, 38, was already contending with when she was hit with the whiplash of breast cancer in January of 2018. In fact, it was during a new morning ritual — looking at her naked body in the mirror — that she first noticed a lump in her breast. “I was trying to appreciate my body, even though it was causing me so much pain,” Purdie tells InStyle.

After she was diagnosed with stage 1A invasive ductal carcinoma, she underwent a lumpectomy, radiation, and multiple rounds of chemotherapy. She was also put on a long-term hormone-blocking treatment called tamoxifen — a daily oral medication she has to take for at least five years. And while she was able to keep her breasts, and therefore felt more physically “whole” — her libido went out the window.

“Our sex life was already kind of on shaky ground after the last miscarriage, because my body had gone through so much and most of the sex that we were having in the past year or two was strictly for the sake of conceiving and not really for pleasure in any sort of organic way — it was scheduled,” Purdie explains. “So going from that to cancer treatment, it was like, ‘Well, how do we even get back to the honeymoon phase?'”

For Purdie, it was by allowing her husband (of three and a half years at the time) to take care of her. “I was generally the person who was cooking and cleaning. I took care of our house. But that all changed when I was going through chemo — he did everything all of a sudden,” she says. “And those acts of service helped to build intimacy. I could just lay there and be miserable and I knew he was going to take care of me, and that was such a huge showing of his love.”

According to Dr. Goldfarb, experiencing this kind of non-sexual, emotional support from a partner tends to increase the amount of intimacy a patient feels during and after treatment — and can indirectly benefit their sex life too. “Assurances like ‘I love you unconditionally’ and ‘I’m in this with you — I am here to support you through this’ are really important, because patients often worry that a cancer diagnosis will [damage] their relationships,” Dr. Goldfarb adds. “I have seen relationships get closer in times of turmoil and illness when significant others are supportive.”

She says that in addition to simply being there — reminding her to take her medications, sitting with her through chemotherapy treatments, cooking, cleaning — her husband’s patience and attention to the little things also helped, not just in making her feel closer to him but making her feel more comfortable in her body and, eventually, being sexual. He deferred to her in bed — he let her take the lead.

“In the evenings it would often turn into a moment together that, even if it was brief, was a chance for us to be physically intimate,” she adds. “It felt good to tap into that sense of normalcy that we had before cancer and before miscarriages.”

Risi is also determined to maintain her sex life — no matter what changes to her body breast cancer may bring. She grew up in what she describes as a conservative Christian community where women were “taught to be modest” and that “sexuality wasn’t something you should even think about until you’re married.” Risi got married at 28, and says that, as a result, she spent years muting her own sexuality.

“I’m so mad that I lost a part of my sexuality to religion in my youth, and I’m losing sexual function and desire to cancer. It’s maddening,” she adds. “But I know my husband will still want to love and touch on whatever my new breasts are, even if I don’t have a specific feeling there. And I think I will enjoy that, because there’s intimacy there, even if there isn’t sensation.”

Complete Article HERE!

The Real Scoop on Why Couples Stop Having Sex

The truth is, few couples come into therapy for the first meeting and tell me they are not having sex.

By

Yes, it happens, but generally they start out with something else. “We’ve drifted apart”, “We’re fighting too much” – or someone had an affair.

And when sex does come up (usually because I ask about it), people do not get to the root cause right away – they tell me what’s happening on the surface, because that’s what they see every day. Here are some of the recent explanations I’ve heard from my clients.

Why people say they are not having sex:

  • We’re too busy with the kids/work and don’t have time
  • We’ve lost the spark; I’m not attracted to her/him any more
  • When we do have sex it goes well, but it’s awkward for either of us to initiate
  • I’m waiting for him/her to initiate (because I’ve been rejected too many times) and he/she never does
  • He’s obsessed with internet porn and has nothing left for me
  • I’m just not that sexual a person, I’m not interested in sex
  • It just feels like we are friends, our relationship doesn’t feel sexual

When couples stop having sex, in any of the scenarios above, there is always more to the story. My job, in part, is to help my clients see below the surface, to understand what’s causing these disturbances in the everyday reality of their relationship.

  • Someone has pulled out of the relationship. One partner, usually over the course of a year or more, has withdrawn emotionally from the relationship – he or she has one foot (or two) out the door. When this happens, it becomes very difficult for the couple to make any progress on difficult issues (like sex), because the EXIT is never far away. And for some people, one foot leads to two feet, which leads in turn to an affair or other infidelity.
  • Someone does not feel “safe” sexually. It may be that one partner has never felt safe in sexual situations – as a survivor of, or witness to, sexual abuse or violence, for example. Or perhaps they learned early on in life that other people’s needs must always come first – which makes it hard to be in touch with one’s own feelings and needs, and may lead to performance anxiety, or lack of arousal.
  • Something happened or isn’t working. Loss of sexual connection can result from an unresolved incidents or issues (sexual or not) in the current relationship, which are causing distance to grow between the partners. This is the “elephant in the room” scenario – there’s a problem, but you haven’t found a way to talk about it.
  • Drugs/alcohol. While it is true that the physiological impact alone of habitual drug or alcohol use can interfere with sexual functioning, it is usually accompanying factors – lifestyle, mood & anger regulation, conflict – that have the greatest impact on sexual relationships. This set of problems is often exacerbated by co-using and codependency factors, leading both partners to deny that there is a problem at all.
  • Medication/physical difficulties. As a mentor of mine used to say about ADHD, this category of issues is both over- and under-diagnosed. Some people are too quick to blame their sexual problems on their partner’s difficulty maintaining an erection or getting lubricated; however, this kind of issue, in isolation, can be successfully managed in the context of a connected, loving, trusting relationship. More often than not, it is the insecurities that it gives rise to that need the attention. On the other hand, it can be helpful to remember that sometimes physical arousal difficulties are a side-effect of prescription medications, or they may point to a physical problem that requires medical attention (or may be addressed relatively easily with a “performance enhancer” like Viagra, Cialis or Levitra).

When these issues are not faced directly and talked about, partners can start isolating from one another. Feeling angry, sad, hurt, disappointed, embarrassed, guilty, shameful – and believing that you have to keep it to yourself, hide it from your nearest and dearest, perhaps even from everyone, is a dreadful burden to carry and can have a big impact on your sexual desire. It will eat away at your self esteem, destabilize your moods, cause you to isolate yourself, and undermine your relationship.

So what can we do right now to start having sex again?

  1. Schedule time for it. This may sound unromantic – “Let’s meet at 2pm for some sex” – but if you two have let some time pass without addressing this issue, the chances are that you will not automatically start finding the time to deal with it. And take the pressure off about what will happen during that time – at first, it’s not even about having sex, it’s about rediscovering intimacy, finding your way back to each other.
  2. Talk about what’s happening for you. You and your partner need to find a way to open up to each other about what’s holding you back when you might be having sex, or connecting intimately in other ways. And you each need to create the space for your partner to tell her or his story.
  3. Listen openly and compassionately to what your partner is saying. Let him or her know that you have heard and understood.
  4. Start slowly, focus on building safety. Save the simultaneous orgasms for later. Get to know each other, and reveal yourselves to one another at a pace you can maintain. And don’t turn away – try to stay with the difficulty of what’s happening, try to stay connected with your partner through it.
  5. Start telling the truth. Once you start to feel more comfortable entering into an intimate space with each other, start telling the truth – to yourself and your partner – about what turns you on, what you want, and what you don’t want.

Remember, this is not just about getting what you want, or giving it to your partner. It’s also about finding the sweet spot between you, where you both feel good about the giving and the getting.

Complete Article HERE!

What is mindful sex and how do I do it?

BY LAURA MIANO

“What is mindful sex and how do I do it?” – Looking For Contentment 

Hi, Looking For Contentment. Great question – your sex life is probably about to go from good to stunning with a question like that. I’m quite happy for you. Derived from Eastern traditions, mindful sex has gained widespread attention in the West in recent years, and for good reason – it’s pretty incredible.

If you’ve tried mindfulness in your daily life and experienced any of the benefits it offers, you are about to experience a similar revolution in your sex life. Before I go into what mindful sex is, let me educate you on what mindful sex is not. Chances are you might have experienced any one – or all – of these phenomena.

Performance anxiety is a big one, and maybe the biggest culprit of sex that is not mindful. If you notice yourself ruminating over things like pleasuring your partner in the ‘right’ way, looking sexy to your partner, whether your body looks good from a certain angle, whether the face you’re making is ‘too much’ or if you’re acting too sexual or not sexual enough, you might be suffering from performance anxiety, and/or it’s lesser-known sister, spectatoring. These involve anxiety over how you act or look in a sexual experience.

You might also find that during sex you have a goal-oriented mentality like actively working toward achieving an orgasm, having your partner achieve an orgasm, or doing certain acts that you think are obligatory during sex. Further to the last point, if you are having sex by deliberately following a certain structure such as kissing then foreplay then penetrative sex, you also might not be having mindful sex.

If you find yourself becoming distracted by your thoughts, like wondering about the errands you need to run tomorrow or using sexual fantasies to help you achieve arousal, these also digress from mindful sex. The latter is absolutely healthy to do, it just doesn’t fit the criteria of ‘mindful’ sex.

Another phenomenon that falls outside this criterion is a form of dissociation called depersonalisation. This is when a person can’t feel their body or connect with their sexual identity and might occur in people with a history of sexual trauma. Although this is not mindful sex, just like the others, overcoming disassociation is best worked through with a trained sex therapist, sexological bodyworker or psychosomatic counsellor, as engaging in mindful sex can be more challenging for people with this condition, compared to the others I described earlier.

So now that you know what mindful sex is not, let’s get into the fun stuff – what mindful sex is! Mindful sex involves being vulnerable, surrendering to the present moment and letting any distracting thoughts simply come and go during a sexual experience. Any preconceived ideas of what sex should look like, how long it should go for or what sexual acts or events need to occur, can all say bah-bye.

It involves being physically, psychologically and emotionally cognisant when you’re having sex. That is, bringing 100 per cent of your awareness to how and what you are feeling during the experience, and the emotional and sexual connection you are forming with your sexual partner (sexual partner being a one-night stand, casual fling or long-term partner).

In psychological terms, your conscious mind is called a limited capacity system because you can only process a certain amount of information at any given time. Imagine your mind is like a bubble, when you are filling it up with your anxious, distracted or goal-oriented thoughts, you leave less space to consciously process the stimulation and pleasure. What mindful sex does is push those thoughts out and utilise the whole bubble by only processing information that is relevant to your pursuit of pleasure, connection and arousal.

This means you start psychologically experiencing deeper layers of sex that you might not have had the capacity for before. This can lead you on a really incredible journey of pleasure and change how you actually physically have sex too. For example, when you truly tap into your pleasure, maybe you actually don’t want to follow that cookie-cutter mould of sex I mentioned before. Sex that is mindful might start to look completely different to the sex you were having before.

So why is it worth doing? Well, you can experience a range of benefits including deeper intimacy and connection with your partner, a deeper understanding of and connection to your own sexuality, boosted self-esteem and body image, less performance anxiety, more connectedness and awareness of your body, heightened pleasure, more pleasure literacy, and easier and better orgasms.

Not to mention, if you use your mindfulness skills learnt during sex in everyday life, you could start to experience positive changes in your mental health more generally. There really isn’t enough space in this article to list every benefit but take my word for it – mindfulness will do you well.

So now that I’ve gone total sales pitch on you with mindfulness, you probably want to know how it’s done. There are no defined steps, obviously, but if you try any of the following techniques you’ll be well on your way. Also remember, with the exception of partner-related tips, any of these can be used during solo sex (i.e. masturbation).

Try to set up your environment in a way that makes you feel sensual, relaxed and safe. This might include a clean and tidy room, dim lighting, soft music, and a nice scent. You’d be surprised how much it can impact you on an unconscious level.

You should also try to remove any preconceived ideas of what sex should look like. This might be hard to do completely (we internalise a lot on an unconscious level), but if you find yourself thinking things like ‘I should probably do x now’ or Have I been doing x for too long?’, push those thoughts away and return to what you are feeling.

On top of this, instead of trying to achieve an orgasm, focus on experiencing pleasure. Many people who struggle to orgasm do so because they are too focused on it. Move away from the orgasm goal and get comfortable with just being.

You should also let thoughts come and go by gently pushing them away when they appear. Try mindfulness techniques like The Five Senses exercise, focusing on your breath, deep breathing or imagining your thoughts disappearing on a moving cloud.

You can also be mindful by pursuing your own pleasure at the start of the experience, instead of putting your partner first. This can kick start that gorgeous dance of reciprocal arousal that two people achieve when one person becomes aroused because the other person is aroused, which then keeps repeating and can create a really beautiful cycle of shared pleasure.

Other steps to try are synchronised deep breathing and eye gazing with your partner. These will be great for creating trust, intimacy and a deeper sexual connection with the person you share these with.

I’m trying my best to stay realistic here, but mindful sex is truly your ticket to wildly pleasurable and mind-blowing sex. If you haven’t tried it, I suggest giving it a go. Whether you are exploring solo or having sex casually or with a committed partner, mindful sex will reshape your whole understanding of pleasure and satisfaction. Trust me, you need to try it.

Complete Article HERE!

Understanding your sexual anxiety

— plus, how to overcome it.

Sexual anxiety may be normal but, thankfully, you don’t have to live with it forever…

By

Many people will experience sexual anxiety at some point in their lives. After all, feeling nervous about starting a new sexual relationship with someone is completely normal. But if feelings of sexual anxiety develop after you’ve been married and sexually active for a long time, or it has reached the point where you avoid sexual interactions altogether, then it’s worth reaching out for expert help.

While sexual anxiety may be common, you certainly don’t have to live with these feelings forever.

“Anxiety associated with sex, or sexual activity, can be experienced by people of all ages in all sorts of relationships,” says experienced therapist Dr. Katherine Hertlein. “Whenever it happens and whoever it happens with, sexual anxiety is often rooted in fear or discomfort of a sexual encounter. Sexual anxiety can be related to both your state of mind and the fear of being unable to please your partner when it comes to being intimate.”

As quickly as these feelings develop, they can often be eased, and go away altogether. Sometimes the solution may be as simple as reconnecting with your own body again by using one of the best vibrators and spending time focusing on your own sexual pleasure. This can help you to rediscover how you like to be touched, before trying to work through your sexual anxiety with a partner.

Understanding your sexual anxiety and where it’s coming from is key to overcoming it.

The causes of sexual anxiety and how to tell if you have it

There can be several causes of sexual anxiety, which can differ from person to person. “Sexual anxiety can be the result of an underlying medical condition,” says Dr. Hertlein, expert advisor at Blueheart. “It could also be down to relationship factors, power struggles, fears, mood disorders and other mental health issues. Cultural or religious factors are also often to blame for women’s sex worries.”

The most common causes of sexual anxiety include:

  • Body image issues
    If you are self-conscious about the way you look, it could be causing you sexual anxiety and low self-esteem.
  • Low sexual confidence
    This is a feeling of inadequacy when it comes to ‘performing’ in bed. It can sometimes be caused by a previous negative experience, such as a relationship based purely on repeated fighting followed by makeup sex.
  • Increased amounts of stress
    Being too stressed for sex can be common. Stress in your daily life, from work, relationships, or general life, can cause you sexual anxiety.
  • Loss of sexual desire
    Low sex drive might be down to stress or even a side-effect of medication. But it can easily lead to a sexless marriage as both parties simply stop trying to make an effort for fear of failure.

While many people may experience one or two of these issues, such as body image concerns or daily stress at work, it doesn’t necessarily mean you have sexual anxiety. This is usually only diagnosed if you also have sexual dysfunction, which often presents itself physically.

“Feeling anxious about sex can manifest in different ways, but it’s mainly through symptoms of sexual dysfunction,” says Dr. Hertlein. “For example, those who suffer from sexual anxiety can report an inability to climax. And this may still be the case if you find your partner sexually appealing. Sometimes it can also cause complete disinterest in sex, even in happy relationships.”

If you are experiencing female sexual dysfunction, you should contact a medical professional, such as your doctor or a sex therapist, for further advice.

The good news is, there are things you can do to ease your sexual anxiety and overcome it. Dr. Hertlein shares five ways for getting a handle on your anxiety around sex.

1. GO SLOW
Patience is key if you want to make your sexual anxiety a thing of the past, so you need to forget about trying to prioritize your own orgasm for now. “Try to move away from making sex a goal-oriented experience,” says Dr. Hertlein. “It’s about taking your time, enjoying each other and finding intimacy and connection. Not only will this take the pressure off yourself and your partner, but it’s also a chance to learn what you find sensual. Think of it as a blank slate. This is a chance to explore what you enjoy without the time pressure or end goal.”

2. IMPROVE YOUR LIFESTYLE
Constantly rushing about during the day? It won’t be helping things at night. “Our life events can sometimes cause us to feel stressed or anxious, leaving our minds running even when we’re trying to relax,” says Dr. Hertlein. “You might experience stress or anxiety because of something that happened at work, an argument with your family, or perhaps something else. Unfortunately, we cannot always take the stress out of our lives, but you can make lifestyle changes to help with how you deal with them.”

Luckily, the best ways are the easiest to implement. “Some of my best advice is to make sure you’re getting the advised seven to eight hours sleep every night as you sleep can really affect your sex life. And make sure you’re having a healthy balanced diet, and regular exercise even if it’s just an hour of walking per day. These lifestyle changes sound simple, but they enable us to put our best selves forward to deal with whatever life throws at us – and are an easy win if you want to know how to have good sex again,” says Dr. Hertlein.

3. BE MORE MINDFUL
Feelings of panic rising? “Move away from focusing on the anxiety around our body and sex,” says Dr. Hertlein. “General anxiety reducing strategies include mindfulness, breathing, and getting grounded. There are many resources, books, and apps that can help you to become more grounded and less anxious.” But make sure you stick with them. “It helps if you do them for a period of time,” adds Dr. Hertlein.

You could also try and join a program or sign up for an app that will lead through techniques to help sexual anxiety and will support your overall sexual wellbeing.

4. TALK TO YOUR PARTNER
Never hide the fact that you’re feeling anxious around sex – speak up, however embarrassed you feel. “Anxiety in your relationship is likely not a comfortable thing,” says Dr. Hertlein. “But, it may be helpful to talk to your partner about your anxieties, especially if your initial reaction is to avoid sex. This will help them understand what you’re experiencing so you can work through it together. The more clarity and communication you have around the topic, the easier it will be for you to work through it together.”

5. GET PROFESSIONAL HELP
“Finally, if you’re still experiencing issues with your body or sex after trying these techniques, it’s important to talk with your doctor,” says Dr. Hertlein. “It might be the result of an underlying health condition or a result of medication you’re taking.”

And don’t be scared about talking to a sex therapist on your own, or having sex therapy with your partner – both could help.

“Seek out help,” says Dr. Hertlein. “Therapy for anxiety-reduction or a therapist who specializes in sexual health and couples therapy can be a life-changing method of support. Don’t suffer in silence.”

Complete Article HERE!

How sex surrogates are helping injured Israeli soldiers

In many countries surrogate sex therapy – in which a person is hired to act as a patient’s sexual partner – is controversial, and not widely practised. In Israel, however, it is available at government expense for soldiers who have been badly injured and need sexual rehabilitation.

By Yolande Knell and Phil Marzouk

The Tel Aviv consultation room of Israeli sex therapist Ronit Aloni looks much as you would expect. There is a small comfy couch for her clients and biological diagrams of male and female genitalia, which she uses for explanation.

But what happens in the neighbouring room, which has a sofabed and candles, is more surprising.

This is where paid surrogate partners help teach some of Aloni’s clients how to have intimate relationships and ultimately, how to have sex.

“It doesn’t look like a hotel – it looks more like a house, like an apartment,” says Aloni. There’s a bed, a CD player, an adjoining shower – and erotic artwork adorns the walls.

“Sex therapy is, in many ways, couple therapy and if somebody doesn’t have a partner then you cannot complete the process,” she goes on. “The surrogate – she or he – they’re there to model the partner role in a couple.”

Although critics liken this to prostitution, in Israel it has become accepted to the extent that the state covers the cost for soldiers with injuries that affect their ability to have sex.

Woman and man embracing
Sex is part of life, it’s the satisfaction of life… it’s not that I’m being Casanova – this is not the issue

“People need to feel they can pleasure somebody else and that they can get pleasure from somebody else,” says Aloni, who has a doctorate in sexual rehabilitation.

“People are coming for therapy. They’re not coming for pleasure. There is nothing similar to prostitution,” she adds firmly.

“Also, 85% of the sessions are [about] intimacy, touching, giving and receiving, communicating – it’s about learning to be a person and how you relate to other people. By the time you have a sexual relationship, that’s the end of the process.”

Short presentational grey line

Mr A, as he wants to be known, was one of the first soldiers who got Israel’s Ministry of Defence to pay for sex surrogate therapy after a life-changing accident nearly 30 years ago, when he was an army reservist.

A fall from a height left him paralysed from the waist down and unable to have sex in the ways that he had previously.

“When I was injured I made a list ‘To Do,'” he says. “I have to [be able to] do a shower by myself, I have to eat, dress by myself, to drive by myself and have sex independently.”

Mr A was already married with children, but his wife did not feel comfortable talking about sex to doctors and therapists, so she encouraged him to seek help from Aloni.

He explains how Aloni gave directions and feedback to him and his surrogate partner before and after each session.

woman sitting on bed
“You start from the beginning: you’re touching this, you’re touching there and then it’s building step-by-step until the last stage of getting an orgasm,” he says.

Mr A argues it was right for the state to pay for his weekly sessions, just as it did other parts of his rehabilitation. Today the cost of a three-month treatment programme is $5,400.

“It wasn’t the goal of my life to go to a surrogate, OK, I was injured and I want[ed] to rehabilitate in every aspect of my life,” he says, sitting in his wheelchair, in a tracksuit, on his way to play table tennis.

“I didn’t fall in love with my surrogate. I was married. It was just to study the technique of how to get to the goal. I took it as a very logical thing that I have to do.”

He blames Western hang-ups about sex for any misconceptions.

“Sex is part of life, it’s the satisfaction of life,” he says. “It’s not that I’m being Casanova, this is not the issue.”

Short presentational grey line

A steady stream of people of different ages and backgrounds visits Aloni discreetly at her clinic.

Many are struggling to have a romantic relationship because of intimacy issues or anxiety, or have suffered sexual abuse. Others have physical and mental health conditions.

Aloni has focused particularly on disabled clients since the start of her career. Several of her close relatives had disabilities including her father, a pilot, who suffered a brain injury after a plane crash.

“All my life I was next to people having to deal with and overcome different disabilities,” she says. “All these people were very well rehabilitated and so I had this very optimistic approach.”

Aloni became close to a surrogate who worked with disabled people while studying in New York.

When she came back to Israel in the late 1980s, she gained the approval of leading rabbis for the use of sexual surrogates and started providing therapy at a rehabilitation centre on a religious kibbutz – a rural community.

The rabbis had one rule – no married men or married women could be surrogates – and Aloni has followed it ever since.

Over time, she has won backing from the Israeli authorities. Out of about 1,000 people who have had surrogate sex therapy at her clinic, dozens have been injured army veterans – many with brain trauma or spinal cord injuries, whose treatment has been funded by the state.

Aloni believes that Israel’s family-oriented culture and its attitude towards its armed forces has worked in her favour. At 18, most Israelis are called up for military service and they can continue as reserve soldiers into middle age.

“We are in a war situation all the time since the country was established,” she says.

“Everybody in Israel knows people who were injured, or died and everybody has a positive approach to compensating these people. We feel obliged to them.”

Short presentational grey line

A tall man of about 40 is sitting in his garden in central Israel with a blanket across his lap. He is a former reserve soldier whose life was shattered in the 2006 Lebanon War.

David – as we will call him – was left unable to talk or move.

Lebanon war

He can only communicate with the help of his occupational therapist – if she supports his arm and holds a pen in his hand, he can write on a whiteboard.

“I was just an ordinary person. I’d just got back from a trip to the Far East. I was studying in university and worked as a barman. I used to love sports and being with friends,” David says.

When his military unit came under attack, he suffered serious leg and head injuries and went on to spend three years in hospital.

During that time, he says he lost the will to live.

Things only began to turn around after his occupational therapists suggested surrogate sex therapy.

“When I started the surrogate therapy, I felt like a loser, like nothing. In therapy. I started feeling like a man, young and handsome,” David says.

“It was the first time that I felt that since my injury. It gave me strength and it gave me hope.”

This was an intimate relationship that David started, knowing that it would have to end. So was there a risk that he would be emotionally hurt?

“Initially, it was difficult for me because I wanted the surrogate all to myself,” he says. “But I realised that even if we’re not partners, we’re still good friends. And it’s worth it. It’s worth everything. It just helps you rebuild yourself all over again.”

While the usual rules are that surrogates and clients cannot be in contact outside of the therapy, David and his surrogate – a woman who uses the alias Seraphina – were given special permission by Dr Aloni’s clinic to stay in touch when their sessions ended.

Since the treatment, those close to David say they have seen a transformation in him. He has been focusing on plans for the future.

While having a sex life remains very difficult, before Covid-19 struck he had begun socialising more, going out with the help of his carers.

Short presentational grey line

Seraphina has worked as a surrogate with Ronit Aloni for over a decade. She is slim with bobbed hair and is warm and articulate.

Recently she published a book about her experiences. Titled More than a Sex Surrogate, the publishers describe it as “a unique memoir about intimacy, secrets and the way we love”.

Like all of the surrogate partners at the Tel Aviv clinic, Seraphina has another job. Hers is in the arts. She says she took on her role for altruistic reasons.

“All those people that suffer under the [surface] and have all those hidden secrets that they walk around with, I really wanted to help because I knew I had the ability,” she explains.

“I had no problem with the idea of using sexuality or my body or touch in the therapy process. And the subject was fascinating to me, sexuality was fascinating to me.”

Seraphina describes herself as “like a tour guide”, saying she takes clients on a journey in which she knows the way.

You cannot rehabilitate a person without rehabilitating their self-esteem, their perception of being a man or a woman

She has worked with about 40 clients, including another soldier, but says that the severity of David’s injuries posed a unique challenge. She learned how to help him to write so that they could chat privately.

“David is the most extreme case ever known. It was like walking in a desert – you had no idea of the direction [in which] to go,” she says.

“I had to be very, very creative because he doesn’t move at all. I moved his body as I imagined he would have moved if he could. He felt his body but he could not move it.

“He always said: ‘She knows exactly what I want, even if I don’t say anything.’ So, it was really flattering.”

While being a surrogate, Seraphina has had boyfriends who, she says, accept what she does. But she knows other women and men who have stopped acting as surrogates for the sake of their personal partners or to get married.

She explains that saying goodbye to clients after they have been intimate is necessary but can be difficult.

“I say, it’s like going to a vacation. We have an opportunity to have a wonderful relationship for a certain short time and do we take it or give it up?

“And it’s the happiest break-up anybody can have. It’s for good reasons. I can cry sometimes, but at the same time, I’m so happy.

“When I hear that anybody is in a relationship or had a baby or got married, it’s unimaginable how happy and thrilled and thankful I am for what I do.”

Short presentational grey line

Late in the evening, Ronit Aloni is still working, giving an online lecture to a group of sexologists from Europe and as far afield as South America.

She recounts cases and quotes studies suggesting surrogacy is more effective than classic psychological therapy at treating sexual problems.

Zoom seminar on sex therapy

“This is most interesting, those therapists who did already work with surrogates all of them said that they will do it again,” she tells them.

With modern surgery helping more severely wounded soldiers to survive she believes surrogate treatment could be used more widely.

“You cannot rehabilitate a person without rehabilitating their self-esteem, their perception of being a man or a woman,” she says.

“You cannot ignore this part in our life. It’s very important, powerful. It’s the centre of our personality. And you cannot just talk about it. Sexuality is something dynamic, is something that has to be between us and other people.”

In Aloni’s view, modern society has developed unhealthy attitudes towards sex.

“We know how to joke about sexuality. We know how to humiliate people, we know to be very conservative or too extreme about sexuality,” she says.

“It’s never really balanced. It’s never weaved into our life in the way it’s supposed to be, and sexuality – it’s life. This is how we bring life. It’s nature!”

Complete Article HERE!