Performance issues in the bedroom are not just an older man’s problem

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[A] study has revealed that 36% of young men between the ages of 16 and 24 have experienced sexual performance problems in the last year.

The figures are higher for men between 25 and 34, with nearly 40% of those surveyed admitting to having issues in bedroom.

Sexual dysfunction is often linked to older men and Viagra use in the public consciousness, but it’s not just the over 50s who can have problems with sexual function.

The Sexual Function in Britain study shows that men of all ages are experiencing a range of sexual issues, including lack of interest in sex, lack of enjoyment in sex, feeling no arousal in sex, experiencing physical pain, difficulty getting or maintaining an erection and difficulty climaxing or climaxing too early.

Between 36% and 40% of men under 35 are experiencing one or more of these problems.

An honest conversation around these issues is long overdue.

The lead author of the study, Dr Kirstin Mitchell from the University of Glasgow, believes that sexual problems can have a long term impact on sexual wellbeing in the future, particularly for young people.

‘When it comes to young people’s sexuality, professional concern is usually focused on preventing sexually transmitted infections and unplanned pregnancy. However, we should be considering sexual health much more broadly.’

Due to the sensitive and potentially embarrassing nature of the issue, it’s likely that many young men are not confiding in their partners or friends about it or visiting their GP.

Lewis, 32, has suffered from several of the problems mentioned in the Sexual Function study. He tells Metro.co.uk: ‘It can become a real issue in the bedroom but being completely open with your partner is always the best solution’.

After Lewis discussed what was going on with his girlfriend, they talked about how they could take the pressure off him to perform. Just being able to communicate the problem made it feel ‘less of a big deal’ and in turn made sex easier.

Men are far less likely to visit the GP than their female counterparts, with men only visiting the doctor four times a year compared to women who go to the GP six times annually. This can be potentially devastating for physical and mental health, and it also means that there are likely to be many men suffering in silence from serious sexual dysfunction issues who don’t feel able to reach out for professional help.

Last year, the government announced plans to make sex and relationships education compulsory for all schools in England. If young people are taught about the importance of consent and healthy relationships early on, it’s much easier for them to communicate with their partners without embarrassment and have positive, respectful sexual interactions.

Aoife Drury, a sex and relationships therapist based in London, blames the rise in sexual dysfunction among young men on easy access to porn without high-quality sex ed to offer a more balanced perspective on relationships.

She tells us: ‘Young men who lack sex education may be comparing themselves to porn stars on a physical and performance level (size of penis and how long they seem to last).

‘This can cause anxiety and self-esteem issues and can make intercourse with their sexual partner difficult. Erectile dysfunction may be the result alongside low libido.

‘The younger the age of the male when they begin to regularly watch porn, the greater the chance of it becoming their preference over partnered sex and the likelihood of developing a sexual dysfunction increases.

‘These is still more research needed around sex education, the ease of access to porn, potential for viewing preferences to escalate to more extreme material and the consequences for the younger generation.’

However, not everyone sees a direct correlation between porn viewing and problems in the bedroom. Kris Taylor, a doctoral student at the University of Auckland, writes for VICE: ‘While searching in vain for research that supported the position that pornography causes erectile dysfunction, I found a variety of the most common causes of erectile dysfunction.

‘Pornography is not among them. These included depression, anxiety, nervousness, taking certain medications, smoking, alcohol and illicit drug use, as well as other health factors like diabetes and heart disease.’

According to a 2017 Los Angeles research study, sexual dysfunction may be driving porn use, not the other way around. Out of 335 men surveyed, 28% said they preferred masturbation to intercourse with a partner. The study’s author, Dr Nicole Prause, concluded that excessive pornography viewing was a side effect of a sexual issue already being present as men who were avoiding sex with their significant others due to a problem would watch it when masturbating alone.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with masturbating or watching videos of consenting adults having sex. The issue is choosing this because you’re unable to perform with a partner and feeling too ashamed to talk about it or seek help.

24-year-old Jack from London agrees. He told Metro.co.uk that he’d experienced sexual problems when he was with new partners.

He said: ‘After one month, you think you’re worthless and that she will leave you – this can cause a downward spiral and once you start thinking negatively, you’re even less likely to perform.

‘I talked with my partner about this (she was relieved it wasn’t something she’d done wrong) and opened up to my trusted friends. It felt like I really needed to do both of these to stop a shadow following me around.’

Jack spoke about growing up with male friends who wouldn’t talk about their feelings.

‘It was considered “gay” to do so. This whole culture needs to change.’

It’s absolutely essential that young people are given access to comprehensive sex and relationships education that emphasises the importance of communication and mutual respect. Partners who can effectively communicate with one another are more likely to have pleasurable and rewarding sexual experiences.

If you can’t ask for what you want in bed or speak up when there’s an issue, there’s a risk that sex will be dull, awkward, uncomfortable or worse.

Toxic masculinity also plays a role here, preventing men from opening up to friends or partners, or going to seek professional help. This can keep young men trapped in a cycle of sexual dysfunction and propagate the myth that sex issues are something that only old blokes need to worry about.

It can be a tricky subject to broach with your mates or your partner, but it doesn’t need to be. If you’re struggling in the bedroom, you’re certainly not on your own.

Ben Edwards, a relationship coach, is clear that the stigma around sexual dysfunction needs to change.

‘We need to accept that mental illness, anxiety and sexual difficulties are not weaknesses,’ he tells us. ‘They’re actually very common and should be dealt with. Admitting you need help is a great step and you’ll reap the rewards.

‘Men often feel they shouldn’t show their emotions, but it’s important to put egos aside and fix these issues for our own benefit.’

Basically, stress and shame are huge boner-killers. Ditch them in favour of openness, honesty and mutual pleasure.

Complete Article HERE!

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Performance Anxiety Doesn’t Mean the End of Your Sex Life… Here’s Why

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Sometimes sex can be stressful, but these steps may help you get your groove back.

by Stephanie Booth

[A]fter her first sexual partner belittled her in the bedroom, Steph Auteri began second-guessing herself when it came to sex.

“I felt self-conscious and nervous about being a disappointment to the other person,” the 37-year-old says. “I found myself never feeling sexual, never wanting to be intimate, and never initiating anything.”

Even with different partners, Auteri “went through the motions” of sex, always hoping the act would be over quickly.

“I felt broken,” she admits. “And more than anything else, I felt guilty for being weird about sex. I felt that I wasn’t someone who was worth committing to. Then, I would feel resentful for the fact that I had to feel guilty and would want sex even less. It was a vicious circle.”

“Sex anxiety,” like Auteri experienced, isn’t an official medical diagnosis. It’s a colloquial term used to describe fear or apprehension related to sex. But it is real — and it affects more people than is commonly known.

“In my experience, [the incidence] is relatively high,” says Michael J. Salas, LPC-S, AASECT, a certified sex therapist and relationship expert in Dallas, Texas. “Many sexual dysfunctions are relatively common, and almost all of the sexual dysfunction cases that I’ve worked with have an element of anxiety associated with them.”

How sex anxiety manifests can occur in a wide variety of ways for different people. Women may have a significant drop in libido or interest, have trouble getting aroused or having an orgasm, or experience physical pain during sex. Men can struggle with their performance or their ability to ejaculate.

Some people get so nervous at the idea of having sex that they avoid having it altogether.

However, Ravi Shah, MD, a psychiatrist at ColumbiaDoctors and assistant professor of psychiatry at Columbia University Medical Center in New York City, suggests one of the keys to overcoming sex anxiety is viewing it as a “symptom” instead of a condition.

“You’re getting anxious around sex, but what’s the real diagnosis?” Shah asks.

The link between anxiety and sex

If it seems like just about everyone you know is anxious about something these days — well, that’s because they are. Anxiety disorders are currently the most common mental health issue in the United States, affecting about 40 million adults.

When a person senses a threat (real or imagined), their body instinctively switches into “fight or flight” mode. Should I stay and fight the snake in front of me, or book it to safety?

The chemicals that get released into the body during this process don’t contribute to sexual desire. Rather, they put a damper on it, so a person’s attention can be focused on the immediate threat.

“In general, people who experience anxiety disorders in the rest of their lives are more likely to experience sexual dysfunction, too,” says Nicole Prause, PhD, a sexual psychophysiologist and licensed psychologist in Los Angeles.

Additionally, trauma — such as sexual abuse or sexual assault — can trigger apprehension about sex. So can chronic pain, a change in hormones (like right after giving birth or when going through menopause), and even a lack of quality sex education.

“Abstinence-only education tends to create a stigma and shame around sex that can continue into adolescence and adulthood,” says Salas. “Sex education that focuses only on pregnancy ignores the importance of sexual stimulation and pleasure. This can leave people looking to porn for their sex education… [which] can increase myths of sexual performance and increase anxiety.”

“Some people may have anxiety around sex because they have unrealistic expectations about what healthy sex is,” agrees Shah. “Across both men and women, that has to do with low self-esteem, what sex is like in porn and movies versus in real life, and how much sex they feel they ‘should’ be having.”

“People wrongly believe everyone else is having sex all the time and it’s great and no one else has problems except them,” he adds.

How to alleviate sex anxiety

There are plenty of benefits to maintaining a healthy sex life. Sex improves your bond with your partner, gives your self-esteem a boost, and can lower your blood pressure and strengthen your immune system.

The “feel good” hormones released during sex can even help combat feelings of stress and anxiety.

So how do you get past your current anxiety about sex to reap those benefits?

Talk to your doctor

First, rule out any physical problems.

“Many physiological problems can increase sexual dysfunction, which can then increase sex anxiety,” Salas says. These include chronic health issues like arthritis, cancer, and diabetes. Certain medications, such as antidepressants, can also do a number on your libido.

Explore intimacy in different ways

“Sensate focus” exercises, which involve touching your partner and being touched for your own pleasure, are meant to help you reconnect with both your sensual and sexual feelings.

“Initially, no genital touching is allowed,” explains Prause. “More touching is gradually added back in as exercises progress, which are often done with a therapist between home sessions. These are done to help identify sources and times of anxiety and work through what those might mean.”

Since anxiety “most often is about something failing around the moments of penetration,” says Prause, you could also choose to avoid that specific act until your confidence builds back. That way, you can learn how to enjoy other pleasurable sexual activities that still provide intimacy, but without the pressure.

Just make sure you talk with your partner if you decide this direction is best for you. As Prause cautions, “There’s no skirting good communication on this one.”

Be mindful

During sex, you may find yourself trying to read your partner’s mind or worrying that you’re not living up to their fantasies. “Mindfulness can help keep you in the present, while managing negative emotions as they arise,” says Salas.

To do that, he urges his clients to view the signals they get from their body as information, rather than judgments. “Listen to your body, rather than try to override it,” he says.

For instance, instead of worrying why you don’t yet have an erection — and panicking that you should — accept that you’re still enjoying what you’re currently doing, like kissing or being touched by your partner.

“Noticing without judgment and acceptance are key aspects of lowering sexual anxiety,” says Salas.

Make sex a regular conversation

“It’s a fantasy that your partner should know what you want,” says Shah. “They don’t know what you want for dinner without you telling them, and the same goes for sexual activity.”

Choose a private moment and suggest, “There’s something I want to talk to you about in regards to sex. Can we talk about that now?” This gentle heads-up will give your partner a moment to mentally prepare. Then approach the heart of the matter: “I love you and want us to have a good sex life. One thing that’s hard for me is [fill-in-the-blank].”

Don’t forget to invite your partner to chime in, too, by asking: “How do you think our sex life is?”

Talking openly about sex may feel awkward at first, but can be a great starting point for working through your anxiety, Shah says.

Don’t discount foreplay

“There are so many ways to get sexual pleasure,” says Shah. “Massages, baths, manual masturbation, just touching each other… Build up a repertoire of good, positive experiences.”

Explore issues of shame

Maybe you’re embarrassed about your appearance, the number of partners you’ve had, a sexually transmitted disease — or perhaps you were raised to believe that your sexuality is wrong.

“When it comes to sex, shame isn’t very far behind,” says Salas. “The problem with shame is that we don’t talk about it. Some of us won’t even own it.” Identify which aspect is causing you to feel ashamed, then consider opening up about it to your partner.

“When people survive sharing the information that they’re most ashamed about, the fears of sharing it lessen,” says Salas. “They realize that they can share this, and still be accepted and loved.”

Seek professional help

If your anxiety isn’t confined to the bedroom, or you’ve tried without success to improve your sex life, seek professional help. “You may need more robust treatment with a therapist or even medication,” says Shah.

Life after sexual anxiety

Steph Auteri didn’t find an instant cure for her sex anxiety. It stuck around for 15 years. Even when she met her current husband, their first sexual encounter was marked by Auteri’s tears and a confession that she had “weirdness” about sex.

An accidental career as a sex columnist helped her slowly start to realize that her anxiety wasn’t so unusual. “People would comment or email me thanking me for being so open and honest about a thing they were also experiencing,” says Auteri, who’s now written a memoir, “A Dirty Word,” about her experience. “They had always thought they were alone. But none of us are alone in this.”

When she and her husband decided to have a baby, Auteri was surprised to find that the more she had sex, the more she desired it. A regular yoga practice also helped her improve a sense of mindfulness, and she started asking her husband for more foreplay and nonsexual intimacy throughout the day.

“I also became more open to intimacy even when I wasn’t necessarily ‘in the mood.’ Although let’s be real,” Auteri adds, “sometimes I’m really not in the mood, and I still honor that.”

And honoring our own feelings is often the first (and biggest) step toward overcoming sex anxiety.

Complete Article HERE!

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If You Get Super Anxious About Sleeping With Someone New, Read This

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[F]irsts tend to come with a lot of anxiety. While there’s some expectation when it comes to driving your first car or having your first kiss, there’s nothing like the pressure and the build up of sleeping with someone new. Nerves are normal. Whether it’s a casual fling or someone you could get serious with, the following reminders should help to calm your fears.

1. Tell all the insecurities you have about your body to go to hell. There’s nothing quite as panic-producing like knowing a guy is going to see you naked for the first time. Suddenly you recall every single moment in your life you felt pudgy or like your boobs were too small. Memories of that time that kid in third-grade said you had a boney butt come rushing back without warning, and you start to worry that this new guy won’t like what he sees. Well, he’s a guy, so he probably will. Plus, it’s not like you’ve been wearing a cloak this whole time, so I’m pretty sure he has a good idea of what your body looks like.

2. Think about the situation in the most logical way possible. Try to take emotion out of everything if you can. Understand that sex is just sex, and you can have a good time if you stop worrying so much about the future or what will happen when it’s over. Get over the fear of what he or people might think, and be a badass who just does what she wants.

3. Forget about what he’s getting out of it and on focus on what you are. Guys don’t have to be the only gender who enjoys a good booty call. Stop worrying about how he feels about the situation (and if you really don’t know, just ask), and start focusing on what you want out if it.

4. Remember you have a right to be selfish. Do not feel any obligation to cater to what he wants to do just because it’s the first time. Speak up and tell him what you want. Sex is supposed to be a mutually beneficial act, so make sure you’re getting some benefits, girl.

5. Pay attention to little hints that he just wants to sleep with you. While there are scumbags out there, the majority of men aren’t good at leading women on. Women are just really good at hearing what we want to hear, so get your head out of the clouds and open yourself up to the idea that he just might really want to sleep with you. If you still want to go through with it, then you’ll be in the right mindset.

6. Stop being paranoid that he won’t call after. I’m not saying he will because he could be giving you all the signs that he won’t, but you need to understand that you’ll be okay no matter what happens. You won’t be able to enjoy any part of sex if you’re worried about him running the moment it’s over. If you let loose and just have fun, you’re likely to be fine with either outcome because it doesn’t change the way you feel about yourself.

7. Remind yourself of what a badass you are. Sex has a funny way of making us super vulnerable, and when we have it with someone we want to get closer to, it makes us feel even more exposed. The whole “what if we have sex and he doesn’t want to see me anymore?” question will keep you up at night if you let it, but this whole idea that you need a guy to want to marry you after you do the deed is something that’s been ingrained in our female brains for centuries. The truth is, you don’t. When you stop expecting these grandiose things from people, you’ll start to enjoy the little stuff more. Know your standards, don’t be naive, and remember that no matter what, you’re still the boss.

8. Remind yourself that he probably doesn’t feel the need to have this inner pep talk. The sad, stupid part about all of this is that most guys don’t feel this crazy pressure to be liked after sex. Sure, they probably have some thoughts of not wanting to be bad at it, but unless they really like you, they’re just pumped they get to do it. Remembering that might help you realize that it doesn’t have to be a big deal.

9. Do something prior that makes you feel really sexy. Stop waiting for a guy to make you feel hot and do it yourself. Whether it’s getting dressed up or putting on a certain kind of perfume, figure out what it is that makes you feel like a sexy beast and go do it.

10. Have fun. Once you’ve made the mental decision that you want to have sex with this person, you need to tell yourself that the work is over. You’re not going to ponder or worry about it anymore. So get out of your head and have some fun.

Complete Article HERE!

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Nienke Helder designs therapy tools for women recovering from sexual trauma

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Design Academy Eindhoven graduate Nienke Helder has created a set of sensory objects that can be used to rehabilitate women affected by sexual abuse.

Presented at this year’s Dutch Design Week, Sexual Healing is designed to help women who are suffering from trauma-induced sexual problems, such as pelvic muscle blockage.

According to the designer, current treatment available often focuses on a clinical perspective – putting too much emphasis on physical issues, rather than the psychological aspects of trauma.

From her own experience, Helder recognised the frustration this can cause, which prompted her to develop an alternative therapy which focuses more on the emotional aspects of sexual trauma.

“I was really frustrated with the way we treat these kinds of issues. In my opinion, the treatments that I got only made it worse,” she told Dezeen.

“It was totally taking me away from the sexual context; it became really clinical. It was so focused on this end goal of penetration that I totally lost all fun in my sexuality.”

The designer worked with medical experts and women in recovery to develop a set of five objects which invite users to discover their own sexual pleasure.

The objects encourage women to explore what feels good to them, which in turn, relieves fear and pain, and help them regain a sense of security about their bodies.

The first object is an ergonomically shaped mirror that lights up.

“Research shows that if you look at your own vulva, it increases your body positivity a lot. But if you have a trauma, it can really be confronting to look at your own body,” Helder said.

She made the mirror in such a way that it only shows exactly what you hold in front of it, allowing users to take their time and slowly start exploring their own bodies.

The second object is a brush made from horsehair, which is meant to help users become comfortable with being touched again. It also enables them to invite their partner to the healing process.

“If you have a trauma, it can be really difficult to talk about it. But by giving someone an object and making them part of the therapy, it opens a lot of doors for conversation,” Helder explains.

Two of the objects focus on biofeedback and are designed to help the user detect if they are feeling tense or stressed.

“Trauma creates certain reflexes in your body that comes from your subconscious mind,” the designer said. “To break that cycle, you need to rationally understand what is causing these processes in order to overcome them emotionally.”

One is a sensor that is meant to be placed on the abdomen. The device lights-up when the user’s breathing becomes tense, functioning as a signal to relax again.

A second is an object that measures the pressure in pelvic floor muscles. If the user tenses up, the device starts to vibrate, signalling the need to relax.

The final object is a kimono made of silk jersey, which emphasises the need to feel warm and relaxed in the bedroom.

“I made it because the bedroom is one of the coldest rooms in the house,” said the designer. “As I mentioned in my project video, it is important to keep your socks on when having sex because women could not have an orgasm when they have cold feet.”


 
Mental health is becoming an increasingly explored topic in design, particularly among graduates.

At last year’s Design Academy Eindhoven graduate show, designer Nicolette Bodewes presented a tactile toolkit designed to be used in psychotherapy sessions, while Yi-Fei Chen channelled her personal struggle with speaking her mind into a gun that fires her tears.

Helder’s Sexual Healing project was presented at this year’s Design Academy Eindhoven‘s graduate show as part of the annual Dutch Design Week event, which took place from 21 until 29 October 2017.

Complete Article HERE!

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9 Reasons You Might Not Be Orgasming

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By Sophie Saint Thomas

[W]hile orgasms don’t define good sex, they are pretty damn nice. However, our bodies, minds, and relationships are complicated, meaning orgasms aren’t always easy to come by (pun intended). From dating anxiety to medication to too little masturbation, here are nine possible culprits if you’re having a hard time orgasming — plus advice on how to deal.

1. You expect vaginal sex alone to do it for you.

One more time, for the cheap seats in the back: Only about 25 percent of people with vaginas come from penetration alone. If you’re not one of them, that doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you or your body. As licensed psychotherapist Amanda Luterman has told Allure, ability to come from vaginal sex has to do with the distance between the vaginal opening and the clitoris: The closer your clit is to this opening, the more vaginal sex will stimulate your clit.

The sensation of a penis or a dildo sliding into your vagina can be undeniably delightful. But most need people need that sensation paired with more direct clitoral stimulation in order to come. Try holding a vibrator against your clit as your partner penetrates you, or put your or your partner’s hands to good use.

2. Your partner is pressuring you.

Interest in your partner’s pleasure should be non-optional. But when you’re having sex with someone and they keep asking if you’ve come yet or if you’re close, it can throw your orgasm off track. As somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist Holly Richmond points out, “Being asked to perform is not sexy.” If your partner is a little too invested in your orgasm, it’s time to talk. Tell them you appreciate how much they care, but that you’re feeling pressure and it’s killing the mood for you.

It’s possible that they’re judging themselves as a partner based on whether or not you climax, and they may be seeking a little reassurance that they’re making you feel good. If they are, say so; if you’re looking to switch it up, this is your opportunity to tell them it would be so hot if they tried this or that thing next time you hop in bed.

3. Your antidepressants are messing with your sex drive.

As someone who continues to struggle with depression, I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to seek treatment and take medication if you and your care provider decide that’s what’s right for you. Antidepressants can be lifesavers, and I mean that literally.

However, certain medications do indeed affect your ability to come. SSRIs such as Zoloft, Lexapro, and Prozac can raise the threshold of how much stimulation you need to orgasm. According to New York City sex therapist Stephen Snyder, author of Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long Lasting Relationship. “For some women, that just means you’re going to need a good vibrator,” says New York City sex therapist Stephen Snyder, author of Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long Lasting Relationship. “For others, it might mean your threshold is so high that no matter what you do, you’re just not going to be able to get there.”

If your current medication is putting a dramatic damper on your sex life, you have options, so talk to your doctor. Non-SSRI antidepressants such as Wellbutrin are available, while newer medications like Viibryd or Trintellix may come with fewer sexual side effects than other drugs, Snyder says. I’m currently having excellent luck with Fetzima. I don’t feel complete and utter hopelessness yet can also come my face off (a wonderful way to live).

4. Your birth control is curbing your libido.

Hormonal birth control can also do a number on your ability to climax, according to Los Angeles-based OB/GYN Yvonne Bohn. That’s because it can decrease testosterone levels, which in turn can mean a lower libido and fewer orgasms. If you’re on the pill and the sexual side effect are giving you grief, ask your OB/GYN about switching to a pill with a lower dose of estrogen or changing methods altogether.

5. You’re living with anxiety or depression.

“Depression and anxiety are based on imbalances between neurotransmitters,” OB/GYN Jessica Shepherd tells Allure. “When your dopamine is too high or too low, that can interfere with the sexual response, and also your levels of libido and ability to have sexual intimacy.” If you feel you may have depression or an anxiety disorder, please go see a doctor. Your life is allowed to be fun.

6. You’re not having sex for long enough.

A good quickie can be exciting (and sometimes necessary: If you’re getting it on in public, for example, it’s not exactly the time for prolonged foreplay.) That said, a few thrusts of a penis inside of a vagina is not a reliable recipe for mutual orgasm. Shepherd stresses the importance of foreplay, which can include oral, deep kissing, genital stimulation, sex toys, and more. Foreplay provides both stimulation and anticipation, making the main event, however you define that, even more explosive.

7. You’re recovering from sexual trauma.

Someone non-consensually went down on me as part of a sexual assault four years ago, and I’ve only been able to come from oral sex one time since then. Post-traumatic stress disorder is common among survivors of sexual trauma; so are anxiety and orgasm-killing flashbacks, whether or not the survivor in question develops clinical PTSD. Shepherd says sexual trauma can also cause hypertonicity, or increased and uncomfortable muscle tension that can interfere with orgasm. If you’re recovering from sexual trauma, I encourage you to find a therapist to work with, because life — including your sex life — can get better.

8. You’re experiencing body insecurity.

Here’s the thing about humans: They want to have sex with people they’re attracted to. Richmond says it’s important to remember your partner chooses to have sex with you because they’re turned on by your body. (I feel confident your partner loves your personality, as well.) One way to tackle insecurity is to focus on what your body can do — for example, the enormous pleasure it can give and receive — rather than what it looks like.

9. You’re shying away from masturbation.

Our partners don’t always know what sort of stimulation gets us off, and it’s especially hard for them to know when we don’t know ourselves. If you’re not sure what type of touch you enjoy most, set aside some time and use your hands, a sex toy, or even your bathtub faucet to explore your body at a leisurely pace. Once you start to discover how to make yourself feel good, you can demonstrate your techniques to your partner.

Complete Article HERE!

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Nick’s got a problem

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I want to share an exchange I had with a fellow named Nick. He’s 30 years old and writes from Canberra.

Nick: “So here’s the situation and some facts. Newly out – i.e. just started hooking up with guys last year (I’m 30 years old) and in fact just started having sex last year.”

Dr Dick: Better late than never, huh Nick? 😉

Nick: “I have meet up with a few guys now but it has mostly been to have a bit of fun – often without sex. When I do have sex I get more enjoyment out of being topped rather than topping.”

DD: I would say that you are in the majority in this regard. There are more bottoms in the gay-dom than tops.

Nick: “When I do try to give anal, I go partially soft and actually cannot feel anything, even though the guy I’m topping can feel me and gets off.”

DD: Again, not a particularly uncommon complaint. If I had to guess you are like a lot of men who are new to gay sex. They often experience what we, in the business, call performance anxiety. I’ve written and spoken a great deal about this. You can find all these posting by going to the CATEGORIES section in the sidebar of my site. Scroll down till you find the heading: SEX THERAPY. Under that heading you will find numerous sub-categories. The one you are looking for is titles: Performance Anxiety.

Nick: “My cock is a fairly decent size (7.5 inches and fairly thick).”

DD: Mmmm, lovely! 😉

Nick: “The same is the case for when I am getting oral — I just cant feel it or enjoy it.”

DD: Again, this is pretty familiar territory for me. I see a lot of this in my practice. Generally speaking, guys get so into their head that they are unable to enjoy the pleasure sensations in the rest of their body.

Nick: “As a result I have never cum with a guy, even though I come close, especially when I am being topped.”

DD: Yep, this is pretty classic. Sounds more and more like performance anxiety.

Nick: “This is proving to be a problem. I have started getting serious with a guy and he is getting frustrated that I don’t cum.”

DD: I can pretty much assure you that things will only get worse if you don’t nip this in the bud, my friend. Have you ever thought about talking to a therapist about this? I really encourage you do so before this becomes a full-blown sexual dysfunction. You may have noticed this already, since you said you’ve visited my site. I offer therapy by phone and online through Skype for my clients who don’t live in Seattle. You can get all the details by clicking the Therapy Available tab in the header above.

Nick: “I get hard just seeing him and kissing him and being close to him, but when it comes time to have sex, I start getting a bit nervous, go soft and loose all the sexual arousal.”

DD: Your use of the word “nervous” is the clincher. You got it bad, sir, and that ain’t good.

Nick: “So I guess my question is — What’s up with not being able to feel anything when I’m on top? Is it just a question of position? Should I try other positions when I’m topping someone?”

DD: It’s not about positions, not at all. It’s about being disconnected from your dick in partnered sex.

Nick: “I have reassured my partner that I am attracted to him (he’s hot!) and that I am turned on but its starting to be an issue — what can I do to get over this?”

DD: In this instance, Nick, there is no substitute for talking to a professional. And there’s no shame in that. You just need to learn how to jettison the anxiety and relax into it your newfound identity as a sexually liberated gay man. There is a program of sensate focus and relaxation exercises that would certainly help you.

Nick: “That’s my rather long rant for tonight.”

DD: Thanks for writing Nick. I wish you well as you address this. Let me know if I can be of further assistance.

Good luck

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For Veterans, Trauma Of War Can Persist In Struggles With Sexual Intimacy

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U.S. Marines march in the annual Veterans Day Parade along Fifth Avenue in 2014 in New York City.

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[M]uch has been said about the physical and psychological injuries of war, like traumatic brain injury or post-traumatic stress disorder. But what we talk about less is how these conditions affect the sexual relationships of service members after they return from combat.

Since 2000, service members who were deployed received at least 138,000 diagnoses of PTSD. More than 350,000 have been diagnosed with traumatic brain injury since 2000. Evidence suggests the numbers are actually higher because many don’t seek treatment.

These conditions cause their own sexual side effects, such as emotional numbness, loss of libido and erectile dysfunction. And the long list of medications used to treat PTSD, TBI and other medical conditions can worsen those side effects.

‘He would sleep for days’

Chuck and Liz Rotenberry of Baltimore struggled with their own challenges when Chuck returned from Afghanistan in 2011. He’s a former Marine gunnery sergeant who trained military working dogs. He left active duty in 2012.

For Liz and Chuck, sex had never been a problem. They’ve been married for 14 years and they’re still very much in love. Liz says she fell for Chuck in high school. He was that guy who could always make her laugh, who always had a one-liner ready and never seemed sad.

But when Chuck returned from Afghanistan, their relationship would soon face its greatest challenge. Baby No. 4 was just two weeks away; for sure, it was a chaotic time. But Liz noticed pretty quickly, something was terribly wrong with her husband.

“I wouldn’t be able to find him in the house and he wouldn’t be outside, and I’d find him in a separate bedroom just crying,” Liz says. “He would sleep for days. He would have a hoodie on and be just tucked away in the bed, and he wouldn’t be able to get out of bed. He would have migraines that were so debilitating that it kept him in the bed.”

When Chuck was in Afghanistan, an IED — improvised explosive device — exploded 3 feet behind him. Shrapnel lodged into his neck and back.

It would take three years for someone at the Department of Veterans Affairs to explicitly lay out for Liz that Chuck had developed severe post-traumatic stress and suffered a traumatic brain injury — and that she would need to be his caregiver.

The Marine self-image

During that three-year period, there were times Chuck estimates he was taking 15 to 16 different medications twice a day.

Sex was usually the furthest thing from his mind.

“I didn’t think about it. I wanted to be with Liz, I wanted to be near her,” he says. “When the desire was there, it was unique. It was rare, as opposed to the way it was before. And a lot of times, with the mountains of medication I was on, you know, in my head [it was] all systems go, but that message didn’t go anywhere else.”

Liz noticed that Chuck stopped initiating physical affection.

“The thought of him reaching out to me to give me a hug wasn’t existent. It was like I had to give him the hug. I now had to step in and show him love,” she says.

Sometimes months would go by before they would have sex.

“It started off as being pretty embarrassing, pretty emasculating,” Chuck says. “It was like, ‘Really? This too doesn’t work?’ You blame it on, ‘Oh, it’s just the medication,’ or ‘You’re tired,’ or whatever initially, and you don’t realize it’s stress or my brain just doesn’t work like it used to.”

Liz and Chuck had never really talked about sex in any serious way before. So they kept avoiding the conversation — until this year. That’s when Chuck finally asked his primary care provider for help. The doctor prescribed four doses of Viagra a month. Liz and Chuck say the medication has improved things substantially — though they joke about how few doses the VA allots them every month.

But asking for just those four doses took Chuck three or four visits to the doctor before he could work up the nerve. He says it can be especially hard for a Marine to admit he’s having problems with sex because it contradicts a self-image so many Marines have.

“You know, as a Marine, you can do anything. You believe you can do anything, you’ve been trained to do nearly anything,” he says. “You’re physically fit. You’re mentally sound. Those are just the basics about being a Marine.”

If he has any advice for a Marine going through the same thing he and his wife are facing, he says you need to talk about it. Bring it up with your spouse. Bring it up with your doctors.

“Marines always jokingly hand out straws. You got to suck it up. You got to do what you need to do to get it done,” Chuck says. “It’s just a different mission. … Don’t let your pride ruin what you worked so hard for.”

 Complete Article HERE!

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I Can’t Cum, dammit!

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Name: Jayme
Gender: female
Age: 23
Location: ??
I have a pretty major question that I think you’d be perfect to answer, with your credentials. I’ve not had the best relationship history. My second boyfriend, right after I graduated high school, was abusive in every way but physically. I stayed with him for 7 months before getting wise and getting out. A few months after the breakup I was almost raped at a party. I found afterward that I was unable to do anything sexual with anyone, unless I was drunk. It was 4 years before I tried hooking up with anyone.

It’s now been 4 years and 6 months since all that happened, and I’m finally starting to get more comfortable with being sexual. I went through some minor therapy over the summer that really helped me to get past the near-rape I experienced in college. Because of that, I was finally able to have sex for the first time a few weeks ago. I’ve been hooking up with a good friend semi-regularly, and it’s been mostly great. The only problem I’ve run into is that I can’t relax enough to cum with this guy, from anything. He’s fingered me, gone down on me, and we’ve had sex, and I just can’t get off. I’ve had no problems ever bringing myself to orgasm, and when I’m with this guy I can feel like I’m just about to, but I can’t get all the way to that point. Do you have any suggestions for me?

Jilling off

Hey there, Jayme.

Thanks for your message. I do have one really important suggestion for you. This is the same suggestion I make to other women who, for whatever reason, are not getting off with a partner.

You say you have no problems bringing yourself to orgasm. This happens during masturbation, right? Do you use your hand, or do you employ a toy of some sort? Perhaps you do both. Whatever your pattern is, it is successful, and that’s the important part.

My suggestion to you is that you masturbate with and for your partner. I am a huge proponent of a couple masturbating together. There is a wealth of information that each can share with their partner about technique and sensitive areas of one’s body. This is a particularly effective means of resolving issues like the ones you have. And I hasten to add that these masturbation events don’t have to be some boring clinical affairs; they can be totally hot. Put on a show for him and he for you. Read erotica aloud to one another. Incorporate toys, whatever.

If you were my client I’d insist on a fucking moratorium. I’d have you and your partner do lots of playful masturbation together — dry hand, wet hand, toys, whatever. Once you get into a rhythm of orgasmic filled masturbation events, I’d have you move on to mutually masturbating each other. When this is successful you could move on to oral, just as long as you also use your hands. Then and only then would I allow you to incorporate full-on fucking to your sex play.

Eliminate the performance anxiety, share your Jack & Jilling off technique and make your sex play fun; that’s your homework.

Good luck

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Shaming Men Doesn’t Build Healthy Sexuality

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By David J Ley Ph.D

StandingNudeMaleTorso

Male sexuality is intensely under attack, in the increasingly vitriolic social dialogue related to pornography. Though women watch and make pornography, most of the current debates focus on aspects of masculine sexual behaviors. These behaviors include masturbation, use of pornography, prostitutes or sexual entertainment like strip clubs. Promiscuity, sex without commitment, and use of sex to manage stress or tension are all things that are frequently a part of male sexuality, whether we like it or not. But, male sexuality is not a disease, not a public health crisis, it is not evil, and it does not overpower men’s lives or choices. Shaming men for these behaviors isolates men, and ignores powerful, important and healthy aspects of masculinity.

There is a common perception of male sexuality as intrinsi­cally selfish, overly focused on “scoring” and sexual conquests, on anonymous, “soulless” sex, and on the outward manifestations of virility.  But there are other, oft neglected sides of male eroticism. Straight men are far more focused upon women’s needs, and upon closeness with women, than we give them credit for. Nancy Friday wrote that “Men’s love of women is often greater than their love of self.” Men give up friends and male camaraderie and accept a life of economic support of women, even leading up to an earlier death, all in order to be with women. More than half of all men describe that their best sexual encounters came when they “gave a woman physical pleasure beyond her dreams.” Men redi­rect their selfishness away from their own satisfaction, and toward a sense of fulfillment and accomplishment, by giving sexual satisfaction. Male sexuality often involves an intense focus on the needs of their partners, and men gain great pleasure, even a strong sense of manliness, from giving their lover sexual pleasure.

In fact, men’s desire to sexually satisfy their partners comes at the price of their own satisfaction. When a man is unable to make his partner orgasm, many men report incredible frustration, disappointment, and self-doubt. Women even complain that men put so much pressure and intent upon helping the woman achieve orgasm that the act ceases to be pleasurable and starts to feel more like childbirth. In such cases, women fake orgasms, not for themselves, but to satisfy their partner’s needs. Until a woman has an orgasm, a man doesn’t think he’s done his job, and his masculinity hangs in the balance.

Franz_Von_Stuck_-_SisyphusMen are taught from a young age that they must be sexually competent and sexually powerful with exaggerated and impossible ideals. Surveys of sex in America find that, compared to women, men are far more insecure and anxious about their sexual performance. Nearly 30 percent of men fear that they ejaculate too soon, most men sometimes experience erectile dysfunction connected to anxiety, and one man in every six reports significant worries about his sexual abilities to satisfy his partner. These are huge burdens that men carry, and are just one reason why many men pursue other forms of sex such as masturbation to pornography.

Compared to women, men actually experience greater pain and psychological disruption from the ups and downs of romantic relationships. Not only do the negative aspects of a romantic relationship hurt men more than women, but the positive aspects and benefits of that relationship have greater impact upon the man than the woman. Because women are better able to access outside support from friends and family, they often fare better than men. Men are often isolated and burdened with the expectation that they shouldn’t feel pain, or if they do, they must suffer alone.

For men, physical affection and sex is one of the main ways we feel loved, accepted, and regarded. For many men, it is only through physical love that we can voice tenderness and express our desire for togetherness and physical bonding. Only in sex can we let down boundaries and drop our armor enough to be emotionally vulnerable.

Sex plays a greater role in the lives of men as a form of acceptance and mutual regard than it does for women. Women touch each other all the time, with hugs, holding hands, closer body contact, and smaller “personal space.” Men shake hands. Really good friends might, at best, punch each other in a loving way, do a careful “man hug,” or even swat each other’s buttocks, if it’s during an approved masculine sporting event. (Many homosexual men experience this differently, when they come out and are part of the LGBTQ community) So the body-to-body contact that sex offers feeds an appetite, a craving, one that is often starved near to death in men.

Male sexuality is portrayed as something that men must guard against, and describe it as though it is a demonic force, lurking within our souls, which must be constrained, feared and even rejected. Men are portrayed as powerless to control themselves, in the face of sexual arousal that is too strong. Men are painted as weak, harmed and warped by sexual experiences such as pornography. As a result, men are told to be ashamed of the sexual desires that society has called unhealthy, and told to forego those condemned sexual interests. But an essential part of man is lost when we encourage men to split them­selves from their sexuality.

Unfortunately, as we teach men to be men, to understand, accept, and express their masculinity, we rarely attend adequately to the loving, nurturing, and amo­rous side of men. The most positive way that society and media currently portray male sexuality is when it is depicted as bumbling and stupid-making, a force that turns men into fools, easily led by our penises. But more often, male sexuality is depicted as a force that hovers just on the edge of rape, rage and destruction.

What is necessary for a healthy man, for complete masculinity, is the in­tegration, consolidation, and incorporation of ALL the varied aspects of our sexuality. When we try to externalize our desires for love and sex, excising them from ourselves as something external and dangerous, we run the real risk of creat­ing men without compassion, without tenderness, and without the ability to nurture. It is easy to suggest that what we are trying to excise are the base, primitive parts of men’s eroticism, those desires to rape, dominate, and sat­isfy oneself selfishly. But in truth, those desires, as frightening as they can be, are integrally linked to male emotional desires for safety, acceptance, protection of others, and belonging.

A_ShipwreckThose things that make men admired and respected—their strength, courage, independence, and assertiveness—are the same things which contribute to the differences in male and female sexuality. By condemning these characteristics, we run the real and frightening risk of abolishing qualities that are essential to healthy masculinity.

A healthy sexual male is one who accepts and understands his erotic and sexual desires, along with his drive for success, dominance (and often submission as well) and excellence. Healthy sexual choices come from internal acceptance and awareness, not rejection and shame. Research has shown that all men have the ability to exercise control over their levels of sexual arousal and sexual behavior, but no men can fully suppress their sexual desire. Healthy men can be men who go to strip clubs, visit prostitutes and watch pornography. They are men who make conscious sexual choices, accepting the consequences of their actions.

Our culture needs a sexual ethic focused on personal relationships and social justice rather than particular sexual acts. All persons have the right and responsibility to lead sexual lives that express love, justice, mutuality, commitment, consent and pleasure. Grounded in respect for the body and for the vulnerability that intimacy brings, this ethic fosters physical, emotional and spiritual health. It accepts no double standards and applies to all persons, without regard to sex, gender, color, age, bodily condition, marital status or sexual orientation. The Religious Institute

We need to begin encouraging personal integrity, responsibility, self-awareness and respect, both for oneself and one’s sexual partner(s). This is, I think, the goal for all men – to make their sexual choices an integrated part of who they are, and the kind of man they desire to be. Unfortunately, as long as we continue to shame and condemn men in general, and specific sexual acts, we are merely isolating men. Further, we are exacerbating the problem, because removing porn or shaming men for their desires or fantasies, does not teach men how to be a sexually healthy man.

Complete Article HERE!

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How to Stop Getting So Damn Distracted During Sex

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By Vanessa Marin

001

During sex, do you frequently find yourself thinking about grocery shopping, or getting distracted by the cobwebs on the ceiling? It’s frustratingly hard to turn our brains off when we’re being intimate, even though we all know how much better sex can be when we’re mentally present. These tricks can help.

Practice Outside the Bedroom

The key to all of this is mindfulness, or put less jargon-y, learning how to be more present in the moment. If you spend your entire day adrift in a sea of anxiety, multitasking, and overactive thinking, you can’t expect to be perfectly calm and centered the second your partner starts taking your clothes off. The best way to learn how to be more present in the bedroom is to practice slowing your mind down outside of the bedroom. Being present is a skill that requires practice, and it’s usually easier to make the space for that practice when you’re not naked with another person.

Meditation can help a lot here. I highly recommend Headspace, an app that teaches you how to meditate. Headspace takes a topic that seems befuddling to most people, and breaks it down into simple, easy-to-understand concepts. It guides you through structured meditation sessions, so you’re never left wondering what you’re supposed to be doing. Even 10 minutes of meditation a day will naturally make it easier for you to feel more present during sex. If ever there was a good argument for starting up a meditation practice, this is it.

Set Yourself Up for Success

The distractors that I hear about most frequently from my clients are clutter, electronics, and to-do lists. You can transform your bedroom a sex haven by making it a clutter- and electronics-free zone. If you’re a frequent to-do list ruminator, quickly jot down your list items before you go pounce on your partner.

Take a moment to think about any other distraction triggers that you might have. Do you tend to get distracted if you know there are dirty dishes in the sink? Or maybe the peeling paint on the wall always catches your eye. Take any necessary steps to remove that distraction. Some distractors can be eliminated permanently, while others may require ongoing effort, but the idea is to try to create more mental space for yourself. You don’t want to create a situation where things have to be perfectly in place before you’re able to be intimate with your partner, but you can try to keep your usual distractions at a minimum.

Expect Distraction

If you’re like most people, you’ve probably had the experience of thinking about the cupcakes you need to bake for your kid’s soccer team, and the consequent feelings of guilt for thinking about baked goods while balls deep in your partner. You get so derailed by your frustration that you wind up getting even more distracted than you were by the original thought.

The truth is that it’s impossible to be present and focused 100% of the time. You can’t stop your brain from thinking. You’re going to have unwanted (and incredibly random) thoughts pop into your head at all moments of the day, including during sex. If you have the expectation that your mind should be clear of all thoughts except for how much fun you’re having with your partner, you’re going to be bitterly disappointed. Instead, acknowledge that distraction is the price we pay for having brains. Try to reframe your goals and think about minimizing distractions rather than eliminating them altogether.

Don’t Fight Your Thoughts

Trying to prevent yourself from thinking never works, and usually just intensifies the distraction. You’ve got to figure out a way to let the thoughts just be, without making them take up even more space.

 


 
Headspace has a great metaphor where they compare mindfulness to sitting beside a busy intersection. Imagine that your thoughts are the cars driving down the roads. You can’t stop the flow of cars, but you can prevent yourself from hopping into one of the cars and driving off in it. Try to allow thoughts to pop into your head during sex, but don’t actively think about them. You may even find it useful to visualize them driving out of eyesight.

Use Your Breath

Focusing on your breath is one of the core principles of mindfulness. It’s a great way to let go of your thoughts and bring yourself back into the moment. When you feel yourself hopping into that little hot rod with one of your thoughts, take a deep breath and imagine gently opening the car door and escorting your brain out of the car. One particularly effective breathing technique is to imagine sending your breath down to your X-rated bits as you inhale, and back up to your nose as you exhale. This requires a bit of extra attention, and brings your focus back to your body.

Narrate What’s Going On

Here’s another super simple mindfulness technique that can work wonders during sex: Tell yourself a story (in your head) about what’s happening from moment to moment. It might sound something like, “now he’s running his hand up my thigh. Now he’s spreading my legs apart.” This trick gives your brain something to do, but focuses it on the sex itself. You can also narrate your body’s reactions to the events at hand, which will help you tune in to the sensation even more. For example, “now I’m feeling my breath start to quicken. Now I’m feeling my stomach flutter. Now my skin feels like it’s tingling in anticipation.” It’s like writing your own erotica.

Consider Your Choice in the Moment

Sometimes the best way to combat distraction is to remind yourself of the decision you have in front of you. You can allow yourself to get swept up in your thoughts, or you can make an effort to stay present with your partner. Try something like, “I can keep thinking about the asshole who cut me off on the freeway, or I can enjoy finally getting a chance to be alone with my incredibly sexy partner” or “I can spend all of my mental energy worrying about when I’m going to work out, or I can spend it on this beautiful ass in front of me.” You can try being gentle with yourself, like, “It’s okay to feel annoyed about my client no-show, but I’ll have plenty of time to worry about that after I’ve boned down,” or you can try being a little sassy, like, “am I really going to think about my mother while I’m getting it in?” These kinds of statements help bring you back into the moment and focus on what’s actually important.

Staying in the moment during sex can seem like a challenge if you’re used to constant distraction, but it’s much more doable than you might think. Plus, is there any great motivation for learning to improve your mindfulness skills than hotter sex?

Complete Article HERE!

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Notching the belt

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Hey Doc,

So I’ve asked you a question anonymously before and you were a huge help so here I am again.
My names Mike and I’m 17 years old. For some reason it takes me a ridiculously long time to “finish” with my girlfriend. It’s not her, because this has happened with about 4 or 5 other women before her. It’s an annoying flaw that it takes me about 90 minutes to finish, if I finish at all. My GF and I get tired and eventually just stop because it’s too tiring and just plain tiresome. Is it performance anxiety or something? My first time having sex was anal with a girl, and I have done anal with girls many times before so it was a lot tighter than vaginal intercourse, not sure if that affects anything… I am really tired of lasting so long; I just want to be done when she is, much earlier.

I’ll be glad to answer any questions or anything you might need to know,
Thank you so much in advance, Mike.

finger fuck00445Where to begin, Mike? You’re 17, you’re having performance problems with your GF and you have had with about 4 or 5 other women before her. Holy Cow! you certainly are a sexually precocious lad, aren’t you?

I can’t help but notice a bit of sexual bravado in your message. I don’t know if that’s intended or if it’s more of a subliminal message. Either way, I have a feeling that there is some belt notching goin on here and that may be the root of your problems.

Here’s why I say this. There is nothing in your message that communicates that the sex you’re having is fun, or that it’s play. All I hear is that you’re a young man on a mission. You want to get off in a timely fashion and you’re currently being frustrated in that pursuit. You sound so goal oriented and your sex sounds like a task, rather than a playful adventure.

Us men folk get like this sometimes; and we’re the poorer for it. We’re all about solving a problem instead of enjoying the moment. The curious thing about this is that enjoying the moment is often the best way to solve a sexual performance problem.bryan_tony_box

When I hear men and/or women talking about their sex life like it’s work, I know there will be problems ahead. And you, Mike, sound like your sex is way more work than fun. If you were a sex worker or a porn star, I’d understand your predicament. But I suspect that you are neither a sex worker nor a porn star. You are, however, a young man who has, for one reason or another, scuttled all the joy and wonderment from your sex play. And that, my friend, is a crying shame…and at your tender age too. How do you suppose you’ll behave when you’re an old man of 25?

This path you’re on will continue to lead you into a sexual wilderness. You will become increasingly frustrated in your efforts to cum “on time”…and I use that term in quotes, because you’re all about bangin’ something rather than pleasuring and being pleasured by someone.

The comment you make about the difference between butt sex and pussy sex also tells me a lot about the kind of tightness you need to get off. I’d be willing to guess that you have a death grip on your johnson when you wank; am I right? Obviously your average asshole is a tighter orifice than your average pussy. But, if you were really turned on and enjoying the mutual pleasure available to you and your partner, instead of worrying about busting your nut during the fuck itself, you could jettison all those “shoulds” you have when you’re supposed to be enjoying yourself in the company of your lover.

beltWhy not stop what you are doing and take a look at why and how you are doing it. You may surprise yourself with what you find. And if you are man enough, have a heart-to-heart chat with your GF and get her feedback on what she encounters when she fucks you. Again, I’d be willing to guess she’d have some timely advice to offer you on how to fuck and get fucked.

Good Luck

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An (extremely long) Tale Of Woe

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First Name: Sam
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Location: North Carolina, USA
Wow, where do I even begin….

I am a 22-year-old gay male and believe that I may have SOME form of erectile dysfunction. I emphasize “some” because it is possible for me to get hard, firm erections, but I’m ALWAYS by myself when I do.

I have been able to give myself orgasms since I was in preschool. I did not masturbate the “traditional” way that men do (or ejaculate) until I was in 6th grade. Before that, I would lay down with my hands cupped around my crotch area and would “hump” into them until I felt an orgasm sensation and would then stop. In 6th grade I began to look at gay internet porn, and, seeing how most of those men masturbated, began to emulate the process. I even practiced “edging” often, beginning in 6th grade, as I had read on the internet at that time that it built up sexual stamina and led to powerful orgasms.PERFORMANCE_ANXIETY_pic_02_3

I would say that since I’ve been able to have orgasms (beginning in preschool), I would have one usually at least once a day. There were days here and there where I wouldn’t, but I guess an average would be 6 out of 7 days per week, with an average of twice per day. Of course, it’s hard to average them out since I’ve been having them for so long.

I did not start having sexual intercourse until my freshman year of college when I was 18, with my roommate at that time. Even that first time, I had problems maintaining my erection. I also had to use my hand and masturbate in order to have the orgasm, which took much longer than when I’m by myself. My roommate and I engaged in sexual intercourse regularly for the latter 2 and a half months of my freshman year, and every time, I had to have an orgasm by masturbating. Oral sex would not work, his hand would not work, and we did not engage in anal sex.

From ages 19-20, I had very little intercourse, but regularly masturbated (almost always to porn), and had no problems maintaining an erection and achieving orgasms. I hooked up with older men occasionally during this time, and again, could not have an orgasm unless I masturbated. It was also slightly more difficult to get an erection than by myself watching porn, and always took me longer to achieve orgasm than by myself. I had my first experience with anal sex (as a “top”) during this time as well, and could not ever reach orgasm, same with oral sex and hand-jobs.

When I was 20 I met and began dating my first boyfriend. We were together for 10 months, and while I enjoyed my time with him, our sex life was poor. We did not engage in anal sex except once, because we both considered ourselves tops. The one time we engaged in anal sex I tried to be the bottom, but did not enjoy it at all and had to stop. We did engage in oral sex, but I could never achieve orgasm that way. Again, I had to masturbate in order to have an orgasm. Not only that, but I began to have significant trouble sometimes to get an erection. Also, it took a lot longer for me to reach orgasm when I masturbated with him. By myself with porn, I could reach orgasm as quickly as 5-7 minutes. With him, it often took me at least 20 minutes, and it was usually 25-35 minutes.

loving legsAfter we broke up, I began to hookup a little more frequently then I had in the past, but it was not that often. Whenever I did, again, I always had to masturbate to achieve orgasm, and it took me a long time to do so. AND, during some of these hookups, I simply could not even achieve orgasm myself, as I started to have difficulty maintaining or even getting an erection. I highly doubt it was because of my sexual partners, because I would not hookup with someone I was not sexually attracted to. Also, I usually could have erections during foreplay, but when it came to the “big finish” my erection would start to wane or just become completely soft, and nothing I did or thought about changed that. Once, I achieved orgasm from barebacking (which I have not done since and luckily did not contract HIV or an STD), and there was also only one time where I hooked up with a guy and achieved orgasm from him giving me oral sex, although I believe this was because I refrained from masturbating for the past few days beforehand.

I am 22 now, and am starting to worry that I will not be able to ever have any good sex with someone else other than myself. In almost all of my most recent hookups, I have had to use a cockring to get an erection, and even then sometimes it doesn’t even help. Also, in almost all of my most recent hookups, it either takes me around 30 minutes to masturbate to orgasm, or I simply can’t have an orgasm because of lack of an erection. However, if I am by myself watching porn, I do not have any trouble getting and maintaining “rock-hard” erections and reaching orgasm.

I have become particularly concerned about this problem now, because I have begun to date someone and engage in sex with him for the past few weeks. When we first had sex I topped him anally and had a good erection. But we still masturbated together to completion. Ever since the first time though, I have had a LOT of difficulty just getting an erection period. Cockrings do not help, and oral sex and foreplay don’t really help either. Sometimes when we make out for a while I’ll start to get kind of hard, but then when I try to get ready to penetrate him or simply masturbate with him, I’ll go soft again. I’ve been able to reach orgasms sometimes when I masturbate with him, but my penis is usually semi-soft when I reach orgasm, and again, it takes more effort and certainly more time to do so then when I’m alone watching porn. He is incredibly good FleshJacklooking, good at sex, and very passionate, so I know it is not him. Luckily, he does not mind when I cannot perform, he says he likes me for me and that everything is fine, and he thinks that I shouldn’t worry about it. But at this point, I really can’t help but worry about it…

The last time this problem happened I had willingly decided to not have an orgasm for three days beforehand, hoping that it would help the issue. But unfortunately, it did not help or change anything. I’ve decided to completely stop viewing or watching any pornography whatsoever, and have also decided that when I masturbate I will avoid as much contact with my hand and, instead, use my FleshJack (the gay version of FleshLight) with the “Squeeze” texture (their most “realistic” anal texture). I have not had sex with him since I decided this (which is the day I’ve written this question, May 27, 2015).

I apologize for this EXTREMELY long inquiry, but I didn’t want to leave out any details of my sexual history in case they were important. I’m wondering if masturbating regularly since preschool has anything to do with my poor performance. And I’ve considered that I’m “overthinking everything” when I engage in sex and maybe that’s preventing me from getting erections with other men, but I’m such a sexual person that I can’t think of anything but dirty, sexual thoughts when I’m with another man, yet it just doesn’t seem to work. I do start to focus on not being able to get an erection if I’m not getting one for 5-10 minutes, but during that time beforehand, I’m not thinking about anything other than the pleasure, so I don’t see what I’m doing wrong. The problem is beginning to be REALLY embarrassing and I’m concerned that if I’m already having these problems at only 22 years of age, I’ll likely have the worst of erectile dysfunction problems in the future.

I suppose my main questions are:
1) What could be causing this to happen?
2) Is my proposed method of completely avoiding porn and masturbation via my hand an appropriate solution?
3) Do you have any specific suggestions or general advice that can help me with this problem and/or my sex life?

Again, I apologize if this is way too long; I’ve just never been so concerned about it before. I’m 22, I should be able to get rock hard erections easily, but I feel like a 70 year old man who just “can’t get it up.” ANY advice you can give me will be sincerely appreciated.

Whew, Sam, that was like the War And Peace of sex advice questions.

It’s perfectly clear that you are worried about your sexual response. But I’m gonna guess that your worry is actually making things worse. Before I respond to your three questions, I want to say; get thee to a therapist! You need to sit down with a sex-positive therapist and work through this stuff with him/her. This is super important, don’t just blow it off. If you need a referral, see the Directory of the American College of Sexologists to find someone in your neck of the woods. I also offer remote therapy via Skype or phone. See my Therapy Available page.

whewNow to your questions in the order you asked them…
1) What could be causing this to happen?
Everything you tell me points to performance anxiety. I’ve written and spoken a great deal about this issue over the years. Use the CATEGORIES pull down menu in the sidebar to your right. Scroll down till you find the main category, Sex Therapy. Under it you will find the sub category, Performance Anxiety.  You’ll find tons of information.

2) Is my proposed method of completely avoiding porn and masturbation via my hand an appropriate solution?
It might be, but not for the reason you suspect. Again, you need to discuss this with a therapist. It’s important and more involved than I have time and space to lay it out for you.

3) Do you have any specific suggestions or general advice that can help me with this problem and/or my sex life?
Yeah, chill the fuck out! Honesty, that’s the best thing you can do right now. Then, with the help of a therapist, work through your problems, put in place a program to rebuild your partnered psychosexual response one step at a time. You’ll probably begin with sensate focus training, stress reduction, and relaxation exercises.

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A molehill becomes a mountain

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My problem is Sexual dysfunction, I can have a hard on and keep it for penetration but if I have to use a condom I lose my erection, most of the time. I also take to much time to cum. Most of the time I loose my erection and I can’t finish what I’ve started. I would like to find a solution for this, because I have been like this for a long time, and it is really frustrating for me. I do appreciate your help and look forward to hear from you.
Miguel.

Sounds to me like you’re racing to the finish line. Hey, where’s the rush? You may be experiencing a bit of performance anxiety, but I don’t think it’s a full-blown sexual dysfunction quite yet.

Look for the category pull down menu in the sidebar to your right. Scroll down till you find the category — Sex Therapy. Under that category you will find a subcategory labeled PERFORMANCE ANXIETY.

You’ll find loads of information about this issue in both written and podcast form.performance anxiety

Here’s an example of what you’ll find…

Simply put, there’s a difference between the psychosexual response we have when we are alone and the one we experience with a partner. There’s probably nothing wrong with your unit. It’s all in your head…or your mind, to be more exact. And I’m not being flippant.

Here’s how performance anxiety works. Say I have a less than satisfying sexual experience for one reason or another. Before I know it, I’m replaying the incident over and over in my mind’s eye till that’s all I can think about. The proverbial molehill has become a mountain, don’t ‘cha know. I then bring my anxiety to my next encounter. My hyper self-consciousness primes me for more disappointment. And I’m all prepared to interpret the disappointment as a failure. Well, you can see where I’m going with this, huh? My fears become self-fulfilling and I find I’m beginning to avoid partnered sex and my relationship flounders, I develop a full-blown sexual dysfunction and my self-esteem takes a nosedive. My preoccupation with my problem makes it less likely that I’ll be fully present during sex with my partner, which pretty much scuttles my sexual responsiveness and any hope for spontaneity.

Get thee to a sex-positive therapist ASAP! Believe me this is nothing to fool around with. Check out the directory at The American College of Sexology for a therapist near you.  If you can’t find anyone near you and you really need to talk to someone, check out my Therapy Available page.  I do remote therapy/counseling via Skype or phone.

When I see this sort of thing in my private practice, I always begin the therapeutic intervention by calling a moratorium on fucking of any kind. This immediately takes a great deal of the pressure off the couple. From there we begin to rebuild the partnered psychosexual response one step at a time. We begin with sensate focus training, stress reduction and relaxation exercises. I have the greatest confidence in this method; it succeeds over 90% of the time.

Good luck

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He Can’t Cum!

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Name: Alice
Gender: Female
Age: 19
Location: Minnesota
My new boyfriend is really frustrated and doesn’t want to have sex anymore because he can’t come. He says he’s had this problem for a while and hasn’t come with any girl for over a year. I see how upset he is and I know he still wants to sleep with me, but says it hurts when he gets excited and nothing happens. Is there something I can do? I tell him to see a doctor but I don’t think he will. Thanks a lot!

Wow, that’s a bummer Alice. Unfortunately, you don’t supply me with enough information for me to make an educated guess about what might be up with him. Does he have erections? Does he masturbate? Is he on any medications? These are the first questions I’d ask him. Since he isn’t here and neither are you, I’m gonna make a stab in the dark.cover up

If I had to guess, I’d say your man is suffering from a real bad case of performance anxiety. He doesn’t need a medical doctor; he needs to learn to relax and be in the moment. If this is an arousal phase issue then that should help. If it’s and orgasmic phase issue, relaxing and enjoying the pleasure will also help.

Here’s how performance anxiety works. Say a fella has a less than satisfying sexual experience for one reason or another. Before he know it, he replaying the incident over and over in his head, till that’s all he can think about. The proverbial molehill becomes a mountain. He brings his anxiety to his next sexual encounter. His hyper-consciousness primes him for more disappointment. And he’s ready to interpret all disappointment as a failure. And this can interrupt either the arousal phase or orgasmic phase of our sexual response cycle.

Well, you can see where I’m going with this, huh? His fears become self-fulfilling. Before he knows it, he begins to avoid sex. His relationships suffer. He develops a full-blown sexual dysfunction. And his self-esteem takes a nosedive. His preoccupation with his problem makes it less likely that he’ll be fully present during sex with his partner, which pretty much fucks up his sexual responsiveness and any hope for spontaneity.

It sounds to me like performance anxiety is putting a damper on his sexual arousal and thus short-circuiting the rest of his sexual response cycle, including orgasm.

This is nothing to fool around with, especially for someone at his tender age. When I see this sort of thing in my private practice, I always begin the therapeutic intervention by calling a moratorium on fucking of any kind. This immediately takes a great deal of the pressure off the couple. From there we begin to rebuild the partnered psycho-sexual response one step at a time. We begin with sensate focus training, stress reduction, and relaxation exercises. I have the greatest confidence in this method. It succeeds over 90% of the time.

Good luck

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Monkey on my back

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And now for one of our regular, semi-obligatory Meth-related questions. I get at least a half dozen of these questions a month. And each and every one of them breaks my heart. I know nothing about the fellow writing me; I don’t know where he lives or his age. I don’t suppose it really matters, does it?

I need some help and I hope you can point me in the right direction. I am recently divorced and trying to move on in life but I’m depressed all the time and also using meth a lot. I have tried to have different sexual partners since my divorce and every time I’m with someone new I can get a erection when we are messing around with no problem, but soon as its time for penetration I loose my erection I feel like I’m having anxiety issues and also I’m very nervous, and I’m not impotent so can it be the meth preventing me to keep it up, or do I need medication for my anxiety? How can I overcome this problem?

I’m certain I can point you in the right direction. Thanks for asking. Allow me to speak plainly. Quit the meth! Quitting won’t solve all your problems, but it is the first and most important step. And frankly, if you choose not to quit, all your other efforts to pull your life together are doomed.

MonkeyBackMeth is not a therapy for depression, nor is it gonna help you connect with a new partner. It most assuredly will not help your erection problems; in fact, it is the cause of your erection problems. But I’ll wager you know that already, huh?

You also have an underlying performance anxiety problem that needs to be addressed ASAP.

Find a competent sex therapist to help you. look to the directory of The American College of Sexology for someone near you. Or you can check out my Therapy Available page.

In the meantime, take a look at some of the stuff I’ve written and podcasts where I talk about meth. Use the pull-down CATEGORIES menu in the sidebar, to your right, and scroll down till you fine the SEX & SUBSTANCES category. It’s under that category that you will find the subcategory Crystal Meth.

You’ll also want to take a look at some of the stuff I’ve written and podcasts where I talk about performance anxiety. Again, use the pull-down CATEGORIES menu in the sidebar and scroll down till you fine the SEX THERAPY category. Under that category you will find the subcategory Performance Anxiety.

Here are examples of the stuff you’ll find.

On meth:

Name: Joey
Gender:
Age: 22
Location: Southern Calif
Love doing tina with masturbation and watching really hot porn. Think this is just social fun?

Nope, I don’t Joey. Despite the prevalence of this dastardly drug, there is nothing fun about tina…crystal meth for those unfamiliar with the term “tina”. If you love doing tina for whatever reason, I’d wager you’re hooked on that shit.

Listen, I’m not prude when it comes to using some crystalmakesmesexy.jpgdrugs recreationally. But I think that we’d do well to stick to those drugs that are more natural. The less processing involved (and meth is the worst in that regard) and fewer added chemicals (OMG, the crap they put in crystal) the better, in my humble opinion.

Despite the admitted high ya get, recent research shows that long-term meth use destroys nerve cells in the brain that regulate dopamine, muscle movement, memory, and decision-making. This damage can be wide-spread and permanent.

Your body reacts to crystal meth the same way it reacts to danger. Crystal floods the body with adrenaline — the same hormone that prepares us for emergencies. Adrenaline gives a super-charge of strength and endurance so the body can deal with danger and injury. But artificially triggering this response over and over again will have serious consequences.

When you use crystal, your nervous system shifts into high gear. The brain floods your body with “danger” messages. Your body responds immediately to what it thinks is a threat. It prepares to fight or to run away. Common body responses to perceived danger include:

  • Pupils dilate to let in more light.
  • Hair stands on end (“getting goose bumps”).
  • Blood vessels just under the skin constrict.
  • Body temperature goes up

Regular, long-term crystal use will diminish sores of neurotransmitters. Episodes of paranoia and anxiety become more frequent and longer lasting. Blocked blood vessels within the brain can lead to increased chances of stroke.

Crystal fucks with your dopamine levels. Dopamine delivers a sense of reward and pleasure. It is also associated with body movement. Too little dopamine causes paralysis or a Parkinson’s-like tremors and rigidity. Too much dopamine and a person can become paranoid, hear voices and get twisted thoughts. Sound familiar?

Crystal fucks with your serotonin levels. Serotonin is involved in regulating sleep and sensory perception. It plays a role in moods and regulating body temperature. Serotonin is involved with many emotional disorders like schizophrenia, phobias, super-aggressive states and obsessive-compulsive behavior. Too much serotonin can make it difficult (or impossible) to have an orgasm. And of course there’s the dreaded “crystal dick”…the inability to get it up.

Joey, listen up! You’re way too young with too much of your life ahead of you to self-inflict so much serious irreparable damage on yourself. If this weren’t such a troublesome drug, there wouldn’t be such a virulent anti and reformed tweeker community out there. Want to know the real truth about “tina” check in at: crystalmeth.org. You’ll be glad you did.

On Performance Anxiety:

I get a dozen or so messages a month on this topic. I’ve written about it in numerous postings and spoken about it in several podcasts, but still the email comes.

One of the real bugaboos for anyone, regardless of gender, is living up to our own expectations of sexual performance. So many things can get in the way, literally and figuratively, of fully enjoying ourselves and/or pleasuring our partners.

The arousal stage of our sexual response cycle is particularly vulnerable to a disruption. And when there’s trouble there, there’s no hiding it. A limp dick or a dry pussy can put the kibosh on all festivities that we may have hoped would follow.

However, performance anxiety can strike any of us, regardless of age, and at just about any point in our sexual response cycle. This is a particularly galling when it seems to come out of the blue. And regaining our composure can be more far more difficult than we imagine.

Today we will be focusing on male performance anxiety. I’ll address female performance anxiety at a later date.
Complete Article HERE!

Good luck

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