It’s been a common scene recently: at a school board meeting, a parent will read out a passage from a book shelved in a high school library and exclaim some version of, “There is sex in this book!” This, we are led to believe, is a slam dunk. High school libraries should not carry sex books. Teenagers should not read sex in books. Sex is automatically inappropriate content for teenagers. But is it really age inappropriate?

I’m reminded of a book challenge I read recently for It’s Perfectly Normal, a book about puberty aimed at ages 10 and up. In the book challenge document, the person filing the complaint had painstakingly taken pictures of every instance of nudity. The anatomical text, they explained, was fine, but the illustrations were unnecessary.

But what could be more age appropriate for a kid going through puberty than a book that discusses puberty? How can illustrations that teach children the names of their body parts be inappropriate? And how is a book supposed to give any useful information about puberty without mentioning the mere existence of sex or nudity?

55% of American teenagers have had sex by the time they’re 18, and 29% are sexually active. Whether or not adults want that to be true, sex is part of many teenagers’ lives. And whether or not they’re having sex, it’s absurdly naive to think that they’re only encountering the topic in school library books.

While there are no concrete stats available for American teens, a study of European teens across six countries found 59% had watched porn, and 24% watch porn at least once a week. The information teens would get about sex education from the books in their libraries would be much more safe and realistic than learning from porn.

Reading about sex can serve different purposes for teens. It may be educational: to learn about consent and safer sex practices. It can model a healthy relationship to sexuality, including establishing boundaries and getting clear consent.

For teens who aren’t having sex, or who are unsure about their sexuality, books can be a safe way to “dress rehearse” sex with no stakes. Reading about sex can allow them to think about how they might feel in that situation, and gauge whether it’s something they want to pursue. This is a much safer strategy than just jumping into a scenario they’re not sure they’re mentally or emotionally prepared for.

It can also just serve the same purpose sex does in adult fiction: because it’s realistic for those characters and suits the story. It doesn’t have to be educational. Many teenagers have sex, and there’s nothing wrong with being able to see that reality in the books they’re reading. YA books don’t just exist to mold teens into perfect citizens. They’re for entertainment, to provoke thought, and to play all the other myriad parts books do in our lives.

(Side note: high school libraries are not carrying pornography. None of those books exist solely for sexual interest, and it’s ridiculous to think that an isolated comics panel or paragraph in a book is where teens will be looking if that was their main objective. Having sexual content is not the same as being pornographic.)

Having sex as a teenager isn’t ethically wrong. It’s not a crime. For every person, they’re going to have different boundaries about when it’s safe and comfortable to do so, if they want to at all, and they shouldn’t feel pressure to have sex. But acting like the very topic is scandalous and shameful does not make those choices easier. Giving teenagers the information to make their own informed decisions makes for better outcomes.

Many of the people protesting sex education books or sex in YA will say that it’s a discussion that should be between a parent and their child — an old abstinence-only education talking point. The truth is, many (most?) teenagers do not feel comfortable talking to their parents about sex. And with the over-the-top displays of outrage we’ve seen in these board meetings from parents on the topic, how would they? As nice as it is to imagine that every student will be able to walk up to a trusted adult in their life and ask any questions on their mind about sex, it’s not realistic.

Besides, even if that was true for most students — even if, somehow, 90% of teens felt perfectly comfortable asking their parents for birth control tips — that shouldn’t be how we build our public school systems. We should be watching out for the students who don’t have a safe support network. What about the teens who have difficult relationships with their caregivers? Why should they be left with no resources to educate themselves? Modeling an education system around the idea that every student has an ideal home environment is worthless.

Lev Rosen, author of Jack of Hearts (And Other Parts), has seen his book frequently challenged even before the most recent wave of censorship. His book addresses questions about sex that real teens across the U.S. have asked. He explains:

Teenagers want to know these things. Giving them answers and telling them not to be ashamed of their desires and how to pursue them safely and consensually isn’t hurting them, it’s helping them take control of their bodies and wants.

In addition to the fact that sex is an uncomfortable topic for most teens to broach with their parents or guardians, questioning your sexual orientation or gender can be even more confusing and isolating. Books allow for that exploration without having to talk to your family about labels that you’re not even sure fit you. For students with homophobic or transphobic families, these books can be a lifeline to let them know that they’re not alone, and that they will be able to find a community.

For queer kids in particular, Rosen worries about the effect that the homophobia and transphobia amplified in these school board meetings will have on them:

Imagine being a closeted student and watching some mom of your peer — or yourself — cry about how she’d be horrified if her teenager came home with a book about a queer person. That means if you went home and said you were queer, you’d be hated, probably more than the book.

In addition to sex education books, puberty books, and sex in YA novels, these book banners also object to the mention of rape or abusive relationships. They argue that students should be protected from this content. But 10% of American teens report having experienced sexual violence — 15% for girls — and 8% have experienced physical dating violence.

What message are we sending to kids and teens who have experienced sexual assault, that their experiences are too shameful and inappropriate to even acknowledge? How can their own life experience be age inappropriate? And how can we protect teens from unhealthy romantic relationships when we won’t even acknowledge they exist?

It’s a sign of how pervasive abstinence culture is that saying a book in a high school library has sexual content is supposed to be inherently scandalous. Teens deserve to access to these books, both for practical purposes and because they should be able to read stories that are relevant and interesting to them, not just the sanitized 50-year-old classics the adults in their life want them to read.

Of course, the topic of sex in teen books is in some ways a smoke screen. Book banners know that saying they want to ban a book because it has queer content or because it has a Black main character is likely not going to be received well, so instead they insist they’re just outraged about the sexual content or profanity, and that’s it’s a coincidence all the books they object to are queer and/or by authors of color.

Look, talking about teenagers having sex or reading about sex or thinking about sex is uncomfortable. But don’t let that discomfort rob students of valuable resources. Being a teenager is hard enough. We don’t need to make it worse.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

January 31, 2022January 31, 2022

We’re having less sex because we’re too busy, not because of social media

Research suggests that adults and teenagers are having less sex now than 30 years ago. But is there more to the story, and why does it matter anyway?

By Amy Barrett

Adults and young people in the US seem to be having less sex than previous generations, according to a study published in November 2021. As is often the case, mobile phones have been named as the cause of this change in behaviour, but is that really what’s going on?

This finding was based on data from the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior (NSSHB), comparing over 8,500 individuals responses from 2009 and 2018.

The results echoed a similar study in the UK, called the National Surveys of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal), which has been collecting information about the public’s sexual experiences for over three decades.

The Natsal researchers have found that with every survey, the average number of occasions of sex per week has decreased: in 1991, respondents said they had sex five times a month. In 2001, this was down to four times per month, and by 2012, the average number was three per month. Unfortunately, the fourth survey was postponed due to COVID-19, though the team hope to complete the study in 2022-23.

When asked if Brits are having less sex, Soazig Clifton, the academic director for Natsal at University College London, replied with “a resounding yes”. But it’s not just the case in the UK and the US. “If you look around the world, other comparable studies show a decrease as well. So, it seems to be a real international trend.”

Studies in Germany looking at sexual activity in men and women showed a decline from 2005 to 2016, which the researchers suggest could be due to “a reduced proportion of [individuals] living with a partner”. But Clifton says that extracting the data of only cohabiting couples, Natsal researchers still found a decrease in sexual activity over the three studies.

Both the Natsal UK study and the US NSSHB study split findings between adolescents and adults. Both found that the two groups were having less sex. For teens in particular, the US researchers found a significant difference in the instances of heterosexual sex – in 2009, 79 per cent of those between the ages 14-17 said they had not had sex in the past year. Nearly a decade later, 89 per cent of adolescents reported no sex.

Why aren’t the kids doing it?

Some have asked whether this could be down to young adults’ penchant (and perhaps preference) for social media and video gaming. Clifton warns that observational studies, like Natsal and NSSHB, “can’t easily answer the ‘why’ questions”.

“It is certainly theoretically plausible that people are spending so much time on their iPads and phones, connecting with others virtually rather than having sex with the person next to them,” says Clifton.

But it’s also possible that people feel more comfortable talking about sex now, compared with the 1990s, says Clifton. “Maybe people are more able to tell us that they’re not having sex. There is some statistical work we’ve done that shows we have a bit less reporting bias in our data. These decreases in biases would go along with the increased, more nuanced public conversation about sex.” However, Clifton explains this wouldn’t solely account for such a striking trend, though admits it might be part of the problem.

The idea that we are too busy – with phones, games or life in general – has been the subject of smaller, qualitative work by the Natsal. “The researchers worked with middle-aged women,” says Clifton. “And something that came up in that research was that women were too tired for sex. They had so much else going on in their life.”

“We looked at the first lockdown, which was particularly restrictive, and the impact on sex lives was really different for different groups of people.” The Natsal-COVID study showed that for people living with a partner, the frequency of sex was roughly the same as before the lockdown.

“In fact, most people didn’t report a change in their satisfaction with their sex lives. Some people say to me, ‘everyone will be having more sex because they were locked in a house together’. It’s just not the case.

“However, we were more likely to see a decline in frequency and satisfaction amongst people not living with partners, and amongst young people,” says Clifton.

Satisfaction, not frequency, is key, says Clifton. Prior to the pandemic, Natsal researchers found that most people believed others were having more frequent sex than they were having themselves. This misalignment could cause dissatisfaction in itself, one Natsal researcher wrote.

Why does it matter how much sex people are having?

“It’s part of the picture of understanding society, along with other areas of health and behaviours in our population,” says Clifton.

“Sometimes [sexual activity] gets dismissed as being less important than other aspects of people’s lives. For some people, it’s a really important part of their life.”

These studies are even more important in countries with related problems, like declining birth rates. “Some of the countries who have also seen the decline in sex are quite worried about their declining birth rate – understanding patterns of sexual behaviour and frequency of sex are an important part of that puzzle.

“The Natsal study covers a wide range of topics related to sexual health, much more than just how often people are having sex. We cover things like nonconsensual sex, STIs, and different reproductive health outcomes.”

In the UK, Clifton says that there are those that would like to be having more sex, though most participants who reported having no sex in the past year said they were not dissatisfied with their sexual lives. For couples and the importance of sex for sustaining relationships, Clifton says there is some evidence it’s quality, not quantity, that matters.

“We don’t need to be worried about whether our relationship is going to fall apart [because of it].”

In fact, 25 per cent of men and women who are in a relationship reported that they do not share the same level of interest in sex as their partner. What we see in the media, Clifton says, is a misrepresentation of what’s normal in terms of sex. Instead of making people feel bad about their sex lives, understanding averages can help us feel happier with what we’ve got, three times a month.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

November 27, 2021November 27, 2021

After surviving cervical cancer, I’m teaching my kids about sexual health to save their lives

Using the anatomical names for private parts and getting vaccinations against HPV by age 12 can help keep children healthy into adulthood

Experiences and lessons from childhood can influence a person’s understanding of their own sexual health, and affect the quality of care they receive.

By Eve McDavid

Staring at the speckled gray tiles of the exam–room ceiling, I planned out my last day at Google before maternity leave while my OB/GYN performed a pelvic exam. Once we wrapped, I’d zip to the office to tie up loose ends. Instead, I heard her say “irregular” as she discovered a tumor, and my world collapsed.

There are an estimated 36,000 cases of cancer related to the human papillomavirus (HPV) in the United States annually; last year, my Stage 2B cervical cancer diagnosis was one of them. Miraculously, my son arrived safely five weeks early, and I responded incredibly well to treatment. In time, our young family rebounded; I proudly reached remission this year.

As a systems expert who studies patterns in consumer behavior, I felt compelled to understand why so many women are underinformed when it comes to the importance of cervical health care. What I found is that experiences and lessons from childhood can influence a person’s understanding of their own sexual health, and affect the quality of care they receive.

So, how do we help our children — boys, girls and gender non-conforming — become comfortable with their bodies, speak up when issues arise and understand the importance of preventive care? I spoke with public health and medical experts to identify foundational childhood experiences that can normalize sexual health and, most importantly, keep our kids healthy.

Teach the names of private parts

It’s hard for a person to be proactive about sexual health when they’re not comfortable using proper anatomical names for genitals. “Private parts” was the only acceptable term in my upbringing; it was a conscious, necessary adjustment to teach my children to call and recognize their genitals by “vagina” and “penis.” Even if it feels awkward at the beginning, keep going. A 1992 study in the Journal of Sex Education and Therapy found that children whose parents taught them the anatomical names, because of the modeling at home, were most likely to remember.

Children unashamed of their genitals are also more likely to speak up if they’ve experienced sexual abuse or another health issue, says Princess Nothemba Simelela, who leads the World Health Organization’s Cervical Cancer Elimination Initiative.

Simelela says that by age 5, children can understand their bodies and associated boundaries. Using stories and animated graphics, she has taught young girls about what kind of touches are not okay. The same lesson can be taught to boys, too, she says: “You know, if you touch here and here, it’s inappropriate … If somebody fondles you or touches this part of your body, you must let someone else know.”

Get your children vaccinated against HPV by age 12

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says the HPV vaccine is the best protection against six cancers caused by the virus and recommends that all children ages 11 to 12 get vaccinated (though kids as young as 9 can receive a shot). A recent U.K. study found that vaccinating girls ages 12 through 18 against HPV could substantially reduce the incidence of cervical cancer, particularly when vaccination happened at age 12 or 13. Education about this issue is particularly important in Black and Hispanic communities, where cervical and other HPV-related cancers are more prevalent.

I received the HPV vaccine in my 20s after I’d contracted a high-risk strain, so it wasn’t as effective; I’m practically counting the days until my children are 9 and I can provide them with the gift of cancer prevention.

“That we have this vaccine that can prevent the virus, it’s kind of a magic bullet,” says Jessica Rose, an OB/GYN at Bellevue Hospital in New York and assistant professor in the Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology at NYU Grossman School of Medicine. “There’s nothing else out there that can do it.”

Twenty years of evidence supports the HPV vaccine, says Maria Trent, chief of adolescent and young adult medicine at Johns Hopkins University.

“The first thing is that the vaccine is safe. It’s been tested on millions of people, and the thing is that we’ve seen change, just like we’ve seen change with the chickenpox vaccine,” she says. “I haven’t seen a case of chickenpox in years because we vaccinate people. Nobody should suffer like I did when I was 3 with chickenpox, right? We’ve seen the same thing in HPV.”

Trent urges decoupling the vaccine from sex, which prevents some physicians from administering it.

“I don’t think you have to have ‘the talk’ to give your kid the HPV vaccine. It’s just not a requirement,” she says. “No one is going on tangents about your Tdap [a vaccine to prevent tetanus, diphtheria and whooping cough], you know, other than to say, ‘If you step on a rusty nail, this is going to help you.’”

The vaccine is also recommended for boys because it protects against HPV transmission as well as anogenital, penile, and head and neck cancers. “The data suggests there are risks for subsets of men related to cancer,” Trent says, “and we want to prevent people from having genital warts, too.”

Make sex education part of family conversations

Researchers discovered the link between HPV — the most common sexually transmitted infection — and cervical cancer in the 1990s, around the time I first attended sex education in public school. But, like most women, I never learned about this in school. Instead, I found out about the link after my HPV diagnosis.
“You can’t leave the conversation about the first menstrual event to somebody else,” says Simelela of the WHO. “Make it something that the family talks about like we talk about their grades, their performance on the sports field. You’ve got to make this a day-to-day conversation. That’s what I tell a mom, that ‘it’s your responsibility … It’s you, at the end of the day, you take responsibility for this and for the well-being of your child.’ ”

“We spend billions of dollars on STD [sexually transmitted disease] management and unplanned pregnancies in the United States; the least we can do is tell young people how to take care of themselves, how to prevent adversity down the road,” she says. “If they don’t have that information, they can’t incorporate that into their decision-making.”

Navigate difficult topics with trusted health-care providers

As a young adult, I went to my first gynecology appointment alone, unprepared for the stark difference from seeing my pediatrician. Lacking the language to comfortably discuss sexual health, I only sheepishly spoke up. After cancer, I realize that being afraid to ask questions can affect the care patients receive and doctors can administer.

Now I view my health as a trusted partnership between myself and my provider, and that’s a value my husband and I instill in our children. At home, we talk as a family about the many reasons to visit the doctor. Eventually, we’ll discuss what my cancer diagnosis means for the kids as they grow up and independently seek care.

Find a pediatrician or adolescent-medicine provider with whom your child is comfortable discussing difficult topics.

“I would also say to parents that it’s important for them to allow their young person space when they need to talk to [their doctor],” Trent advises, “knowing that we always would loop parents back in if their young person is in trouble.”

Rose, the Bellevue OB/GYN, says gynecologists are working to improve the care continuum from adolescence into adulthood. “There’s been a move in our specialty to make the transition smoother,” she says. “For patients, there’s a lot of normalizing why women go to the gynecologist. There are plenty of reasons to see a gynecologist, even if you’re not sexually active.”

For parents, there’s no end to the child-rearing advice we receive. Having just survived cervical cancer, I believe this may be the most important: Give your child the gift of life that preventable cancer won’t cut short.

As Simelela of the WHO says: “Here you may have such a unique opportunity to leave a legacy for the next generation where they can never experience this painful disease, and instead read about it in a museum. It’s possible.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

November 12, 2021

Think before you sext

— The experts’ guide to teen dating

‘Once you know that you like and trust this person enough to go on a real-life date – ask them’.

From first kisses to ghosting, dating can be a minefield for young people. Here’s how to have a happy, healthy romance

By Laura Potter

Take things offline

Teen relationships often start online, so how do you progress to a real-world date? The first step is to make your chat more meaningful, says Charlene Douglas, an intimacy coach and sexual health educator. “Online, young people can banter for hours, so try to move the conversation on. Rather than just talking about celebs, or who said what at school, bring those situations back to what you have in common.”

Then introduce voice messaging and video calls, “to see if you really like the vibe of a person and to check they’re human”, says Hardeep Dhadda, presenter of the relationships podcast Thank You, Next. Her co-presenter, Raj Pander, suggests watching something at the same time on Netflix. Then: “Once you know you like and trust this person enough to go on a real-life date – ask them.”

Put safety first

Be sure they are who they say they are (Pander suggests checking tagged pics on Instagram), and meet in a public place, telling someone when and where you’re meeting. Pander says: “Not everyone is a serial killer, but it’s good practice to act as if they could be.”

Manage your emotions

Butterflies in your stomach? Heart racing? “It’s normal to feel that way,” says Chloe Goddard McLoughlin, a psychotherapist and relationship counsellor. “Just tell the other person that you’re nervous, because I guarantee they will be as well.”

Pander, who is 37 and a self-confessed shy dater, says: “I plan a phone call with a friend before so they can prep me. We always have a contingency plan if anything gets weird, so if I text them they’ll call me so I can pretend there’s an emergency and leave.”

Be chatty

“Try to keep it light and talk about things you’re passionate about, as when you do that, your whole energy lights up,” says Douglas. Dhadda agrees: “If you like something – animals, sustainable fashion or Billie Eilish – let your date know. How can someone get to know you if you’re holding back or pretending to be someone else?” But there are no-nos: “If someone brought up sex on a first date, I’d be put off.”

Know how to end a date

“Be polite,” says Dhadda. “Consider their feelings, as they may have had the best time ever.” Pander agrees: “Tell them you had fun – even if you didn’t – look at the time and say you’d better be off.” If they message asking to meet again, be honest but respectful. Douglas recommends replying: “You’re a great person but I just don’t think we’re suited.”

Don’t sweat your first kiss

“It’s part of our cultural mythology that the first kiss is the best, but for most people it’s pretty average, so don’t sweat it,” says Goddard McLoughlin. Remember, a kiss should only happen when you’re both comfortable and have given consent. “It may take the sexiness away, but saying ‘can I kiss you?’ means you have permission and haven’t misread signals,” says Douglas.

Think about when to make things official

When do you change your status or update your profile pic to a cute couple selfie? For Pander, once you’re sure you like and trust the person, you can ask what they think about making things official. But she warns: “Do you really need them in your profile pics or online status? You’re your own person: don’t let your relationship take over your identity.”

Work out if you’re ready to have sex

“First, know the facts about sex, intimacy and pleasure,” says Douglas. “Speak to a trusted older family member, whether that’s a sister or an aunt. Don’t feel pressured into anything you don’t feel comfortable with. Douglas says of her work at a girls’ school: “A lot of the girls felt they should lose their virginity on their 16th birthday. Sometimes they regretted it because it wasn’t pleasurable or they felt used. Just because the law says you’re ‘of age’ doesn’t mean you have to do anything.”

Learn how to boost your confidence

Just over half of 11- to 16-year-olds worry often about how they look, but try shifting your focus. “Imagine the most confident version of yourself,” says Natasha Devon, who gives talks at schools and universities on mental health and body image. “Think about how you stand, move and feel when you’re relaxed and self-assured, and emulate that. When we look at someone, we see them as a whole package.”

Stay aware of consent

“People think if they’ve said yes once, they can’t change their mind,” says Goddard McLoughlin. “But you have the right to say no at any point.” Douglas adds: “If you’ve said yes to a kiss, you have the right to say, midway through, ‘I want to stop.’ Similarly, if you feel ready for sex but when it comes down to it you don’t want to do it, that needs to be respected.” If you’re on the receiving end of a no, don’t feel like a horrible person, says Douglas. “Remind yourself it’s a positive thing your partner is able to share this.”

Think before you sext

A recent Ofsted report found that 80% of girls feel under pressure to send sexual images. Douglas says: “Once you send a picture, you can’t control where it goes, who sees it, or whether it’s shared. If it’s shared on the internet, it can stay there for ever.”

Understand how to handle rejection

If you’ve been rejected, Douglas says, “allow yourself to feel that pain. Be around people who are positive and who love you, and do one good thing for yourself every day.” Goddard McLoughlin suggests shifting your perspective: “Often it’s about the other person, not you.”

Avoid being spooked by ghosting

For Pander, ghosting is evidence that someone isn’t worth your precious energy. If someone suddenly cuts you off, it means they “weren’t brave enough to have an honest conversation with you. You deserve better.” Despite the crushing pain, reframe it as a lesson, says Douglas. “It teaches you the kind of person you want to be with, how you want to be treated and how you want to feel in a relationship. In future you won’t even remember the person’s name. I say that from experience.”

Don’t use porn to educate yourself

Recent research found that 45% of young people who watched porn did so, in part, to “learn” about sex, but Douglas says: “Run a mile when it comes to being educated from porn, because it isn’t an honest representation.” If you feel clueless in the bedroom, she recommends educational websites around intimacy, like climax.com or OMGYes. If you must watch porn, use the ethical kind, says Douglas: “The site makelovenotporn.tv is diverse, real and respectful. You’ll see consent, and there are elements about the importance of touch, foreplay and eye contact.” You will also see different races and sexualities, and real bodies.

… and don’t let Covid get you down

There’s nothing like a pandemic to make dating even more stressful. But according to Dr Christian Jessen, life must go on: “If a young person asked me if they should go on a first date, I would say yes. Teenagers need to carry on having as normal a life as possible.” To mask or not to mask? Jessen says: “Follow the guidelines of wherever you are.” Maybe pop it in a message to your date beforehand, so there’s no surprises. Want to ask about someone’s vaccination status? Jessen says go for it: “It encourages more adult conversations down the line about things like STIs.”

Don’t get too fixated on pandemic fears, he adds. “It’s hard to separate dating anxiety from Covid anxiety, but don’t hide behind Covid as an excuse not to date. If you’re young, generally fit and healthy, meeting one person doesn’t put you at high risk – and meeting them outdoors even less so.”

And remember, dating should be fun …

It’s about meeting different people, connecting with them and figuring out what makes you tick. “There will be firsts, there will be laughs and there might be a few tears, but try to shake off any pressure and have fun,” says Pander. “I laugh at my teen dating experiences now – and I’m sure you will, too.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

August 30, 2021August 29, 2021

How to have The Talk with your kids

—Avoid eye contact, joke and invent an imaginary friend

Parents panic about The Talk because we carry a lifetime’s worth of baggage, but children are baggage-free and are not often after an in-depth conversation.

If the thought of talking to your child about sex is terrifying, you’re not alone. But there are ways to ease everyone’s discomfort.

By Fiona Katauskas

Does talking to my child about sex have to be a mortifying nightmare?

There doesn’t seem to be a word for “fear of talking to your young children about sex” but it’s a phobia so widespread that surely someone should have coined one by now. But there’s good news: like many phobias, with a bit of deep breathing and some light mental reprogramming it can be overcome.

The first conversation you’ll have with your child about sex will be most likely be The Talk. At least that’s what it’s known as – ideally it’ll be a series of talks over many years. The original Talk is The Answer to The Question (ie where did I come from?), a question often delivered when parents aren’t entirely prepared.

It’s important to note that when kids ask this question, they’re usually not asking specifically about sex. Parents, with a rising sense of panic and a lifetime’s worth of baggage, often assume they are.

Children, on the other hand, are baggage-free. They’re not after an in-depth conversation about sex and sexuality. They’re asking about how babies are made – a story that’s much bigger than the (admittedly important) intercourse. It’s about bodies and puberty, about using proper terminology for genitalia, about how babies grow and develop, how they’re born and fed. With almost one in every 20 babies in Australia now born through alternative reproductive techniques, it’s also about other forms of conception and different types of families.

Sex is part of the whole story though and in this scenario it’s all about procreation. You don’t need to go into a great amount of detail. It’s good to include some loving feelings and kissing and cuddling, but – fear not – you’re not focusing on the foreplay. The whole thing is basically a way for that all-important sperm to meet that special egg and for the story to go on.

Relieved parents often report a lack of follow-up questions but children learn according to their own level of comprehension so there’s a very high chance this won’t be your first and only conversation on the subject. That’s a GOOD THING and will form the basis for trust and future communication.

If the idea of talking The Talk still mortifies you, remember that the whole story of human conception is something that all children need to know. It’s science, and not only is it science, it’s incredibly, amazingly cool! On top of all that, it’s a wonderful thing to be able to sit with your child and share the story of how (most) little humans come to be. Don’t forget to include alternative conception. It may not involve sex but it’s another side of the story too.

Humour is also a great embarrassment buster so try to take a light-hearted approach. If your child senses that you’re uncomfortable or that the subject is taboo, his or her friend The Internet is happy to help. Typing “s-e-x” into Google may get you a smorgasbord of options but none are likely to be healthy for children.

Finally, remember – you’re not alone. There are books and other resources out there that can help you find the right words.

But wait! Just when you thought you’d got that talking-about-sex stuff out of the way, there’s more! This time it’s about sex as recreation, not procreation and this time it’s not YOU who’s feeling mortified.

Unsurprisingly, few teenagers are champing at the bit to talk about their sex lives with their olds. Parents may hear of – even meet – girlfriends, boyfriends or partners and have good reason (ie their kid has access to the internet) to suspect their child is familiar with at least some pornography but that side of their teen’s life is usually shrouded in mystery.

Small children may want to know where they came from but teenagers are interested in where they’re going to and who they’re becoming. Their bodies are developing and so are their attitudes to sex and sexuality. It’s no longer just about making babies – it’s about lust and desire but also about respect, relationships, consent, communication, gender, masturbation, pornography, body image, boundaries and a whooooole lot more.

Even if you’ve managed to establish good communication with your kid, talking about sex and sexuality can still be tricky. Teenagers like to be treated like adults but sometimes the best way to initiate a potentially difficult chat is to break the rules of adult conversation.

Do not look your child in the eye. Go for a drive or walk the dog or find an activity that involves neither of you facing each other. This makes it feel like less of an interrogation and opens up space to talk. Eye contact may come later if circumstances permit.

Another tactic (and here eye contact is allowed) is to avoid directly addressing what you’re trying to talk about. Rather than asking them about a particular issue, try mentioning that a “work mate” (ie imaginary friend) has a teenager going through said issue and ask what they think. Your kid might not open up to you about their own experience but they’ll know that you’re aware of these things and you value their opinions.

Alternately, talk about something you – or they – have seen in a TV show or movie or read in a book. Art is a great way to talk about hypothetical moral quandaries, relationship concerns, matters of sexuality etc that might not be so hypothetical for your teenager. Stories in the news, such as the Brittany Higgins allegations or Chanel Contos’ private school survey, can also be used to start a conversation. These all help you discuss issues in an abstracted sense and make your child feel they can explore opinions without being judged.

There’s one adult conversation rule you definitely should follow: listen. Not only is it important for teenagers to feel heard but you’ll learn something too. They’re growing up in a different world, one which in many ways is more open and accepting than that of their parents.

Sex is never a topic in isolation. Whether procreational or recreational, it’s always part of a bigger story about who we are and how we relate to others. Take a deep breath and master that mortification. It’s all going to be alright.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

August 25, 2021August 24, 2021

Children With Disabilities Need Sex Ed Too

By Cammie McGovern

In 2018, an N.P.R. investigation sent shock waves through the community of people with intellectual or developmental disabilities, their families and their care providers: according to Department of Justice data, these people are at least seven times as likely to be the victims of sexual abuse as their nondisabled peers. Terrified parents like me have been grappling with this news ever since, unsure of what steps to take to best protect their children.

If they had previously thought about it at all, most parents probably assumed their child’s high school transition-to-adulthood program would address this issue, with sex-ed programs that include, at the very least, the necessary vocabulary for self-protection, like good touch/bad touch. But here’s the shocking reality: Currently, only three states in the country explicitly include special ed students in their sex-ed requirements. Six other states provide optional resources adapted for more accessible sex-ed curriculums. Thirty-six states fail to mention students with special needs at all, meaning the issue is left up to the individual school districts that, more often than not, punt the ball until parents demand it or a crisis arises, e.g., two students are found in a bathroom stall or a nonverbal girl is discovered to be pregnant. Then frantic measures are hastily put in place. Inevitably, the teachers are ill-prepared, the message muddled and the impact unclear, especially when these measures comes far too late for many students.

As the parent of a 25-year-old with autism, it’s not hard for me to see how this issue got lost along the way. Schools are laser-focused on the measurable goals the federal government has prioritized — namely, employment and independent living. Where we live, in a liberal college town that wouldn’t have faced much in the way of moral or religious objection, sex education still wasn’t taught in Ethan’s special-ed classroom until other parents demanded it when he was about 17.

The topic has long been a thorny issue for the federal government, even for the mainstream student population. Since the late 1980s, approximately $2 billion has been allocated for abstinence-only-until-marriage curriculums that countless studies have shown to be ineffective in reducing teen pregnancy. Over the last six years, a handful of bills have made their way through state legislatures mandating more comprehensive sex education that includes information on contraception, S.T.D. prevention, online safety and sexual orientation. While this is undoubtedly a step in the right direction, little — if any — mention is made in these bills when it comes to students with disabilities.

A glance at a radically different approach taken in Britain shows us that it is possible to do better for all our children.

In 2017, Britain enacted a law requiring “relationships and sexuality education” to take place in all secondary schools, with a foundation that starts much earlier. In primary grades, pupils starting at age 6 will get one or two lessons a week on “healthy relationships,” including anti-bullying, friendship-building and empathy. Later on, older students will cover topics including consent, healthy and unhealthy relationships, L.G.B.T. issues, gender stereotyping, harassment and social media safety. The government argues that the earlier curriculum sets up a strong basis for the more complex subjects covered in adolescence.

In Britain, this mandate both includes special-ed students, and also offers a whole gamut of specific recommendations for them: encouraging a “spiral curriculum” where topics are revisited regularly in greater depth; avoiding euphemistic language (like “sleeping together”) that can confuse children with disabilities, especially those on the autistic spectrum; using experiential learning, including field trips to health clinics; and role playing during which students are given a chance to practice saying “No.”

This inclusive approach plays out in countless ways. On the BBC’s educational channel, it’s possible to watch elementary pupils with developmental disabilities pass around an anatomically correct doll as the teacher talks about body parts. For older children, schools may buy books with cartoon illustrations — such as “Things Ellie Likes: A Book About Sexuality and Masturbation for Girls and Young Women With Autism and Related Conditions” and “Things Tom Likes,” with information for boys and young men.

I’m embarrassed to say, when Ethan was growing up, it didn’t occur to us to make these kinds of resources a priority — both for his safety and for the sake of the possible relationships he might one day want to explore. We were too busy fretting about his failed job placements and teaching him how to use an A.T.M. I suspect the same is true for many families navigating the choppy waters of transitioning a child with developmental disabilities into adulthood. You look around for clues to their future, the same way you did when they were a newly diagnosed toddler: What matters most? What should we focus on? You follow the lead of other parents and educators — mostly focused on jobs and cooking skills — and you hope they’re right. And then you hear a story on N.P.R. confirming the reality of a fear you’ve buried for too long and you think: Wait. Why haven’t we talked about this more?

We know our children and their exquisite vulnerability: their willingness to trust, their dependence on others for help. How do you teach a child that the world isn’t all the kindhearted teachers and adults they’ve known all their lives? The answer is clear: We ask those teachers to help us tell them. And we demand that our government gives those teachers the training and tools to do so.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

July 26, 2021July 26, 2021

Why You Shouldn’t Feel Pressure to Label Your Sexuality

Fear not: Sexuality doesn’t have to be black and white!

By Nona Willis Aronowitz

Q: Hi. I’m Sadie and I’m 15. Right now I’m really confused because I know that I’m romantically attracted to guys, but sexually attracted to girls. I just don’t know why I can’t like guys in the same way that I like girls, and I don’t even feel romantically attracted to girls. What does this mean?

A: Before we get to what all this means for your identity and relationships, let’s talk about what this stuff literally means, starting with the basics. “Sexual attraction” means feeling like you want to make out or engage in some level of sex with another person. “Romantic attraction” means feeling non-platonic emotional connection with or attachment to someone, but can also involve physical affection like cuddling. Romantic and sexual feelings don’t always go hand in hand.

As a culture, we fully accept this on an individual basis: Nobody would bat an eyelash if, say, one person loved hooking up with her classmate yet didn’t get enough romantic butterflies to actually date them. But as you’ve already noticed, this can happen with entire genders, too: One gender may inspire love, but not lust, and vice versa.

People can be homoromantic or heteroromantic, just like they can be homosexual or heterosexual. They can be sexually attracted to more than one gender (bisexual or pansexual) or romantically attracted to multiple genders (biromantic or panromantic). When people’s romantic and sexual attractions don’t match up gender-wise, it’s called romantic and sexual discordance. That sounds intimidating and long-winded, but it’s just a technical term you never have to use if you don’t want to. Discordance isn’t wildly uncommon; in a 2016 study of 414 adults, 10% of them reported having discordant sexual and romantic orientations.

“People can definitely be homosexual but heteroromantic” (which is what you describe in your letter) “although it is less common than being, say, bisexual and heteroromantic,” says Emily Lund, PhD, assistant professor of Counselor Education at the University of Alabama and one of the authors of the 2016 study. “People can also have different degrees of attraction to different genders and these can fluctuate over time.”

You describe feeling confused over your romantic and sexual attractions, and that’s perfectly fine. Lund says you shouldn’t feel like you have to commit to one identity now—or ever. “Sexual identity development is a process, especially for people who have a non-normative sexual or romantic orientation,” Lund says. “Many people go through several labels and identities to describe their sexual and/or romantic attractions before finding one that fits. And some people never find a label that quite fits.”

In other words, it’s totally OK to simply exist and date whoever strikes your romantic or sexual fancy, without an explanation. If you’re looking for models or support, it might help to seek out queer spaces for teens, particularly those that honor non-normative sexuality, like Asexuality Visibility and Education Network. (Their website has information about all kinds of identities on this spectrum.) As their founder, David Jay, told me a few months ago: A label is “not an inner truth, not a medical diagnosis. If it feels useful, use it. If it ever stops feeling useful, stop using it.”

Even if you do find an identity or term that feels right, keep in mind that at 15, your body and mind is raging with fluctuating hormones and information overload. “Fifteen-year-olds are often still developing in both their romantic and sexual attractions, so it may be that Sadie’s feelings and attractions will shift over time,” says Debby Herbenick, PhD, professor at the Indiana University School of Public Health. This is backed up by research: Psychologist Lisa M. Diamond studied 100 women over more than a decade, as they moved from adolescence into adulthood, and found that their sexual orientations often shifted according to their life stage. “This can happen with romantic feelings, too,” says Herbenick.

That’s not to discount your current attractions. After all, this may very well be who you are for the rest of your life, which is fine, too. What these experts are trying to say is that you should not feel pressure to label your sexuality yet, or ever. We as a society focus a lot on who and what people are — but our identities are ever-changing!

So let’s go back to your question: What does this mean? You may be worried about how you’ll be able to have both a sexual and romantic relationship with a single person. The comforting fact is that people work out all kinds of arrangements.

Perhaps you’ll gravitate towards open relationships or polyamory, feeling romantically close to one partner while sexually satisfied by another. Perhaps you’ll fall in love with someone whose gender you are not sexually attracted to, but still have sex with them gladly and generously. “People of all sexual orientations sometimes have sex not because they’re feeling strong desire, but because they want to help their partner feel good, and sometimes their partner does the same for them,” Herbenick says. You might also find someone whose gender matters little to you, who you’re both romantically and sexually attracted to. There are countless options.

The main thing to remember is that, no matter how your orientations develop, it’s possible to have a healthy, fulfilling romantic and sexual life. And again—I cannot stress this enough—figuring out your desires is going to be a conscious, active, lifelong process. It’s always a good idea “to explore and to check in every now and then and see how you’re feeling,” Herbenick says. “Whether you’re 15 or 55.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

July 1, 2021June 30, 2021

Teach Your Tweens About Sex With These 10 Helpful Books

The Best Books About Sex For Tweens — **Do you remember the first time you learned about the birds and the bees?** Talking about sex can be awkward as a kid and as a parent, but it’s so important. The American Academy of Pediatrics says you should talk to your kids about sex “early and often.” Some of these conversations can include talking about what sex is, what sexual orientations are, STDs, and when to know it’s the right time to have sex. It’s much better for them to learn about healthy, safe sex practices from you than from their friends!In addition to talking to your tweens, you can also provide them with some helpful, informative, and entertaining books about sex, consent, and intimacy designed just for them. My mom did this for me, and it was so much better to read about sex, then ask her questions later. Discover 10 best books about sex for tweens ahead.

By Sydni Ellis

1 30 Days of Sex Talks for Ages 12+

Too much sex talk at once can be overwhelming, so **30 Days of Sex Talks for Ages 12+** ($19) by Educate and Empower Kids makes it easy. This book breaks down different topics into 30 digestible chunks, covering everything from emotional intimacy to consent.

2 Consent: The New Rules of Sex Education

One of the most important topics your tween can learn is consent. **Consent: The New Rules of Sex Education** ($12) by Jennifer Lang, M.D., answers questions about dating, relationships, consent, and sexual safety. It features a frank, compassionate, evidence-based approach to anatomy, communication, sexual identities and orientations, and more from a board-certified OB/GYN.

3 It’s Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health

4 Sex, Puberty, and All That Stuff: A Guide to Growing Up

**Sex, Puberty, and All That Stuff: A Guide to Growing Up** ($15) by Jacqui Bailey talks about different changes that boys and girls can expect. The book also features open discussions on genitals, menstruation, sex, condoms, contraception, STDs, and pregnancy.

5 Asking About Sex & Growing Up: A Question-And-Answer Book for Kids

6 In Case You’re Curious: Questions About Sex from Young People with Answers from the Experts

7 100 Questions You’d Never Ask Your Parents

Talking to your parents about sex is hard enough, but imagine trying to get details about orgasms and oral sex? **100 Questions You’d Never Ask Your Parents** ($13) by Elisabeth Henderson and Nancy Armstrong is the perfect solution. This book features frank, accurate, and fun discussions on everything from buying condoms to the G-spot.

8 Sex: An Uncensored Introduction

Let’s talk about sex, baby! **Sex: An Uncensored Introduction** ($10) by Nikol Hasler is an uncensored guide to sexual orientation, masturbation, first-time concerns, birth control, protection, and so much more.

9 S.E.X.: The All-You-Need-To-Know Sexuality Guide to Get you Through Your Teens and Twenties

10 The Pride Guide: A Guide to Sexual and Social Health for LGBTQ Youth

Even if your tween doesn’t identify as LBGTQ+, it’s still a good idea to get them **The Pride Guide: A Guide to Sexual and Social Health for LGBTQ Youth** ($36) by Jo Langford to understand LGBTQ+ identities and what sex, dating, relationships, puberty, and safety are like for these youths. This is a fun, factual guide that is also helpful for parents!

*Complete Article **↪HERE↩**!*

**Do you remember the first time you learned about the birds and the bees?** Talking about sex can be awkward as a kid and as a parent, but it’s so important. The American Academy of Pediatrics says you should talk to your kids about sex “early and often.” Some of these conversations can include talking about what sex is, what sexual orientations are, STDs, and when to know it’s the right time to have sex. It’s much better for them to learn about healthy, safe sex practices from you than from their friends!In addition to talking to your tweens, you can also provide them with some helpful, informative, and entertaining books about sex, consent, and intimacy designed just for them. My mom did this for me, and it was so much better to read about sex, then ask her questions later. Discover 10 best books about sex for tweens ahead.

By Sydni Ellis

1 30 Days of Sex Talks for Ages 12+

Too much sex talk at once can be overwhelming, so **30 Days of Sex Talks for Ages 12+** ($19) by Educate and Empower Kids makes it easy. This book breaks down different topics into 30 digestible chunks, covering everything from emotional intimacy to consent.

2 Consent: The New Rules of Sex Education

One of the most important topics your tween can learn is consent. **Consent: The New Rules of Sex Education** ($12) by Jennifer Lang, M.D., answers questions about dating, relationships, consent, and sexual safety. It features a frank, compassionate, evidence-based approach to anatomy, communication, sexual identities and orientations, and more from a board-certified OB/GYN.

3 It’s Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health

4 Sex, Puberty, and All That Stuff: A Guide to Growing Up

**Sex, Puberty, and All That Stuff: A Guide to Growing Up** ($15) by Jacqui Bailey talks about different changes that boys and girls can expect. The book also features open discussions on genitals, menstruation, sex, condoms, contraception, STDs, and pregnancy.

5 Asking About Sex & Growing Up: A Question-And-Answer Book for Kids

6 In Case You’re Curious: Questions About Sex from Young People with Answers from the Experts

7 100 Questions You’d Never Ask Your Parents

Talking to your parents about sex is hard enough, but imagine trying to get details about orgasms and oral sex? **100 Questions You’d Never Ask Your Parents** ($13) by Elisabeth Henderson and Nancy Armstrong is the perfect solution. This book features frank, accurate, and fun discussions on everything from buying condoms to the G-spot.

8 Sex: An Uncensored Introduction

Let’s talk about sex, baby! **Sex: An Uncensored Introduction** ($10) by Nikol Hasler is an uncensored guide to sexual orientation, masturbation, first-time concerns, birth control, protection, and so much more.

9 S.E.X.: The All-You-Need-To-Know Sexuality Guide to Get you Through Your Teens and Twenties

10 The Pride Guide: A Guide to Sexual and Social Health for LGBTQ Youth

Even if your tween doesn’t identify as LBGTQ+, it’s still a good idea to get them **The Pride Guide: A Guide to Sexual and Social Health for LGBTQ Youth** ($36) by Jo Langford to understand LGBTQ+ identities and what sex, dating, relationships, puberty, and safety are like for these youths. This is a fun, factual guide that is also helpful for parents!

*Complete Article **↪HERE↩**!*

June 20, 2021June 19, 2021

If You Ignore Porn, You Aren’t Teaching Sex Ed

By Peggy Orenstein

Parents often say that if they try to have the sex talk with their teens, the kids plug their ears and hum or run screaming from the room. But late last month, those roles were reversed: After a workshop for high school juniors at the Columbia Grammar & Preparatory School promoting critical thinking about online pornography, it was parents who flipped out. Some took to the media — The New York Post, Fox News, The Federalist and other like-minded outlets jumped on the story — accusing the school of indoctrinating children.

While I don’t know the precise content of that presentation, I can say this: Refusing to discuss sexually explicit media, which is more accessible to minors than at any other time in history, won’t make it go away. As far back as 2008 — basically the Pleistocene era in internet terms — a study found that more than 90 percent of boys and close to two-thirds of girls had viewed online pornography before turning 18, whether intentionally or involuntarily.

I’ve been interviewing teenagers about their attitudes and expectations of sex for over a decade. When talking to boys, in particular, I’ve never asked whether they’ve watched porn — that would shoot my credibility to hell. Instead, I ask when they first saw it. Most say right around the onset of puberty. They not only learned to masturbate in tandem with its images but also can’t conceive of doing it any other way. “I have a friend who was a legend among the crew team,” a high school senior told me. “He said that he’d stopped using porn completely. He said, ‘I just close my eyes and use my imagination.’ We were like, ‘Whoa! How does he do that?’”

Curiosity about sex and masturbation is natural: good for girls, boys and everyone beyond those designations. And I am talking about children here, many of whom have yet to have a first kiss; adult porn use is a different conversation. One could also debate the potential for sexual liberation of ethically produced porn, queer porn or feminist porn, but those sites are typically behind a pay wall, and most teenagers don’t have their own credit cards.

The free content most readily available to minors tends to show sex as something men do to rather than with women. It often portrays female pleasure as a performance for male satisfaction, shows wildly unrealistic bodies, is indifferent to consent (sometimes in its actual production) and flirts with incest.

The clips can also skew toward the hostile. In a 2020 analysis of more than 4,000 heterosexual scenes on Pornhub and Xvideos, 45 percent and 35 percent, respectively, contained aggression, almost exclusively directed at women. Black women have been found to be the targets of such aggression more frequently than white women, and Black men are more likely than white men to be depicted as aggressors. In other words, teens are being served a heaping helping of racism with their eroticized misogyny.

Boys I interview typically assure me that they know the difference between fantasy and reality. Maybe. But that’s the response people give to any suggestion of media influence. You don’t need a Ph.D. in psych to know that what we consume shapes our thoughts and behavior even — maybe especially — when we believe it doesn’t. Any troll with a Facebook account could tell you that.

It shouldn’t be surprising, then, that adolescents who frequently use porn turn out to be more likely than others to believe its images are realistic. They’re also more likely to try out some of its dangerous moves like choking a partner during sex (a potentially lethal behavior), which, like heterosexual anal intercourse, appears to have been on the rise among adolescents.

Among college men, pornography use has been associated with seeing women as disposable and, for both sexes, a stronger belief in rape myths — such as that a woman “asked for it” because of what she wore or how much she drank. The combination of exposure and perception of porn’s accuracy has also been associated with an increased risk of sexual aggression, which was defined as pressuring someone into intercourse who has already refused.

To be fair, though, mainstream media use is associated with many of the same beliefs and behaviors, so even if you could block all the triple-X sites on the internet (and good luck with that), it wouldn’t be enough. Nor am I suggesting that viewing porn will turn a tenderhearted teen violent, though it could validate existing impulses among some.

Parents tend to underestimate their children’s consumption of explicit content, perhaps because the only thing ickier than thinking about your mom or dad watching porn is thinking about your daughter or son doing it. So, sorry to be the one to tell you, but teens watch significantly more porn and more-hard-core porn than their same-sex parent. Boys ages 14 to 17 have been found to be at least three times as likely as their fathers to have seen such things as double penetration, gang bangs and facial ejaculation. The differential between girls and their mothers was even higher.

Now consider that a nationally representative study released this year found that among 18-to-24-year-olds, pornography was cited as the source of the “most helpful information about how to have sex” — edging out talking to your partner.

It would seem a little education is indeed in order.

Pornography use is one of the issues teens most wanted to discuss in our conversations, and since I was often the first adult they felt they could talk to candidly about it, they had questions. They wanted to know how real, in fact, what they were seeing was and whether the behavior depicted in video clips — or some version of it — would be expected of them someday. Boys often asked about dose: How much was too much? They wanted to know whether their porn habits would affect their predilections, their desires, their performance, their satisfaction with a partner. Regarding that last concern, the answer may be yes: Frequent porn users (those who watch it once a month or more, a metric that made boys I met either burst out laughing or blanch) may be less happy than others with real-life sex.

“Porn literacy” may sound salacious, and it certainly makes for sensationalist headlines. But like other media literacy courses (including those aimed at reducing teen use of tobacco, drugs and alcohol or offsetting damaging messages about body image), when they’re done right, the aim is to reduce risk, help identify and question the incessant messages that bombard teens, encourage them to hone their values and give them more agency over their experience.

Emily Rothman, a professor of community health sciences at Boston University and the author of the upcoming book “Pornography and Public Health” (for which I provided a jacket quote), found that after taking a nonjudgmental, science-based course that she developed with colleagues, teens were less likely to believe that sexually explicit media was realistic, an easy way to make money or a viable form of sex education. They also better understood the legal implications of sending nudes when underage. And they weren’t more likely to watch porn — that is, just as comprehensive sex education does not prompt sexual activity (in fact, quite the opposite), talking about porn does not appear to motivate teens to seek it out

Adults who balk at such lessons often declare that children’s “innocence” is at stake, but one has to ask who is ultimately protected — and who is harmed — when we censor open discussion of healthy sexuality, bodily autonomy, pornography, sexual harassment and assault. Consider that a week after the Columbia Prep ruckus, parents at the Dalton School, where the same educator was the director of health and wellness, also took to The New York Post to protest an evidence-backed curriculum for first graders that suggested they should have a say in who hugs them and used anatomically correct names for body parts — crucial to preventing abuse.

And earlier in the school year, parents at Greenwich High School in Connecticut petitioned to have an adaptation from my book on boys, sexuality and masculinity removed from the 10th-grade curriculum, claiming it was too graphic. Among other things, I’d quoted the precise sexually degrading language that groups of male high school and college students used to describe their female classmates. Different ostriches, same sand.

Dr. Rothman’s porn literacy curriculum doesn’t include explicit images, though the language can sometimes be direct. Its larger mission is to build healthy relationship skills. “Teens need information about how what mainstream porn shows is not necessarily what is going to work in their sexual and dating relationships,” she told me. “It’s not a how-to manual. So we get them to be more skeptical of what they’re seeing and not accept it at face value.” Without that counterbalance, she added, they may develop expectations about sex that are, at the very least, unhelpful and often hazardous.

Honestly? I’d rather we didn’t have to talk to kids about explicit media, and I wish pornography weren’t, for so many, their first encounter with human sexuality, that it didn’t arrive so early to hijack their imaginations with its proscribed fantasies. But given all that, parents and educators need to work together to help kids develop a critical stance — to help them understand what’s untrue and what’s missing from those images — to ensure that, here in the real world, they proceed with consent, mutual respect and authentic intimacy. Awkward as it may be, we can no longer afford the luxury, or the false comfort, of silence.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

June 19, 2021June 18, 2021

Handling Child Abuse Disclosures

When a child comes to you to talk about abuse they are facing, it is important to listen and act in a way to support the child and keep him or her protected. You have a responsibility to keep children safe.

Types of Disclosure

Disclosures can be direct or indirect. Most likely a disclosure will be indirect, which can mean the child does not share the details of the abuse without being prompted, or does so in a roundabout way. An example of this is, “Sometimes my step‐dad keeps me up at night.” A disclosure can also be disguised, for example: “I have a cousin who is being abused.” In other cases the disclosure can be through hints or gestures, or even through another child “My friend told me…”

The child is hoping that a caring parent or caregiver will get the “hint” they are offering.

Recognize the Clues

It is important to recognize the possible clues so that further questions are asked. Most children who disclose want the abuse to stop. When the disclosure is “missed” they may continue with additional hints, or not.

For many abused children, a class presentation on child abuse prevention is the first time they realize that what happens to them does not happen to everyone. Some children may try to protect the abuser, especially when the abuser is someone they love.

Support the Child

If a child does disclose abuse, never forget how hard it is for him or her to tell someone about abuse. It is hard to hear your child has been abused, and your initial reactions may be to not believe or show shock or horror, but it is important to support the child and help him/her to disclose.

Acknowledge his/her courage in speaking out. If you work with children, have a plan for supporting a child who discloses to you through the reporting period and in the days that follow. Regardless of how the child discloses, recognizing the possibility the child is being abused, believing the child, and discussing the situation with him or her further will, in most cases, bring out further details.

During the Disclosure

Avoid denial. A common reaction to a child’s disclosure is denial. Respect your child by listening to what he/she has to say and taking what your child says seriously. Believe what your child is telling you.
Provide a safe environment. Make sure the setting is confidential and comfortable. Avoid communicating with shock, horror, or fear about anything said, even though what you are hearing is likely shocking and horrifying. Your child may interpret your reaction as you being shocked and horrified by him or her and shut down. The child needs you to be confident and supportive. Speak slowly and maintain a calm demeanor. Tell your child he/she is doing the right thing and that you will do what you can to help them.
Reassure your child. Reassure your child that he/she did nothing wrong and that you believe him/her.
Listen and don’t make assumptions. Listen more than you talk, and avoid advice giving or problem solving. Don’t put words in your child’s mouth or assume you know what he/she means or are going to say. Let your child use language they are comfortable with. Let your child set the pace, don’t rush them.
Do not interrogate. Don’t ask the child a lot of questions, especially leading questions, which means a question in which you provide a possible answer(examples: Did this or that happen? Were you at school? Did your uncle hit you on the leg?). This can be confusing for your child and he/she might shut down. Don’t ask your child for details. This can make it harder for your child to tell you about the abuse.

Listen to the child, letting them explain what happened in his or her own words. Don’t stop your child in the middle of the story to go get someone or do something else. Limit questioning to only the following four questions if the child has not already provided you with the information:

What happened?
When did it happen?
Where did it happen?
Who did it?
How do you know them? (If the relationship of the abuser is unclear.)

Make no promises. Don’t tell your child that you won’t tell anyone what they tell you. Your child will have fears about what will happen next, so tell your child what you are going to do, what is going to happen next, and who else they will need to talk to. This will help your child feel some control over what happens next within the boundaries of the law.
Document exact quotes. It may be helpful to write down exact quotes of what your child said in case of the involvement of other parties, such as school or child protective services.
Be supportive, not judgmental. Don’t talk negatively. Even though your child may be disclosing terrible things that may have happened at the hands of a family member or friend, the child may still love that person and may only just be beginning to recognize that he/she was being abused. Reassure the child that he/she is not at fault and have done nothing wrong.

Don’t ask questions that imply the child was at fault –

Why didn’t you tell me before?
What were you doing there?
Why didn’t you stop it?
What did you do to make this happen?
Are you telling the truth?

Have an understanding about abuse and neglect. Know the four kinds of child abuse: physical, emotional, sexual, and neglect.
Report any suspicion of child abuse and neglect. If you suspect that your child or another child is being abused, report it to the proper authorities. When reporting child abuse to the appropriate authorities, it is important to have the following information: what happened, when it happened, where it happened, who did it and their relationship to the child. You will be asked for some identifying information such as your name, address, where you work, and how the child disclosed. All of your identifying information will be kept confidential.

Remember, it is the responsibility of adults to take action and keep children safe.

References

Smith, M. C. (2008). Pre‐professional mandated reporters’ understanding of young children’s eyewitness testimony: Implications for training. Children and Youth Services Review, 30(12), 1355‐1365. doi:DOI: 10.1016/j.childyouth.2008.04.004

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

June 16, 2021June 15, 2021

How to Talk About Sex With Your LGBTQIA+ Child

“The talk” might need to include some unique information to support your LGBTQ child.

By Lisa Milbrand

The sex talk is one of the rites of passage of parenthood-and one that some parents meet with a bit of trepidation. Even if the topics and questions my daughters approached me with sometimes made me blush, I’ve always presented them with honest information and as many facts as I could muster.

But when one of your kids comes out as LGBTQIA+, that may present a new challenge-especially if you’re a heterosexual person whose school didn’t exactly cover LGBTQ sex back in the day.

If you live in states like New Jersey, Illinois, Oregon, Nevada, Colorado, and California, LGBTQ sexual health is covered as part of the sex ed curriculum. But in many other states, that’s not the case-and a handful of states, including Louisiana, Mississippi, Oklahoma, Texas, and Michigan have laws that prevent schools from presenting any affirming LGBTQIA+ information.

“The lack of LGBTQIA+ sex education in schools erases those identities from the curriculum and leaves an already vulnerable population without the sexual health information they need and deserve,” says Daniel Rice, executive director of Answer, a national organization that provides inclusive sex education information to students and teachers. “Research has shown that also including non-heterosexual identities in the curriculum can decrease feeling of isolation and depression in LGBTQIA+ youth and can lead to lower instances of homophobia and transphobia in the school community.”

Talking about sex honestly and openly with your kids is the best way to ensure they grow up to have healthy, happy relationships, no matter who they love. Here’s how to make sure your conversations with your child about sex are inclusive and supportive of them.

Start early

“Data indicate that the vast majority of parents never talk to their child about sex-or not until adolescence at the earliest,” says Ritch Savin-Williams, professor emeritus of developmental psychology at Cornell University, and author of The New Gay Teenager. “Even then, it’s usually a discussion from a ‘it’s dangerous’ point of view-‘don’t do this, don’t do that.'”

Starting early gives you a chance to add onto the conversation, starting with body parts and the basics of where babies come from early on to more grownup conversations as they get older.

You don’t have to have all the answers to have the talk

Can’t tell the difference between bisexual and demisexual? Not sure exactly why a lesbian teen should still be encouraged to use protection? Then this conversation can help you both find common ground and become more informed. If a question comes up that you don’t know the answer to, suggest that you and your child look it up together to find information-especially when researching sex terms on the internet can lead to some pretty questionable content really quickly.

Keep it gender neutral

Try to talk in more neutral terms, especially early on-use the word “partner,” for instance, instead of boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife. “Try not put it in an assumed heterosexual way-leave the pronouns neutral, describe things from both a girls’ perspective and boys’ perspective in terms of parts,” Savin-Williams says. “Keeping gender neutral is even more important as your child gets to be 10 or 11 or 12, when you might need to really consider that your child could be not straight.”

Be LGBTQIA+ inclusive, even if you think your child is cisgendered and heterosexual

Even if your child has expressed preferences for the opposite sex, providing positive LGBTQIA+ information can help them support friends and classmates who are LGBTQIA+-or feel more comfortable coming out to you if they’ve been hiding that part of themselves.

“One of the most common mistakes parents make when talking about sex is assuming their child is cisgender and heterosexual,” Rice says. “This can lead to many other assumptions, including the types of contraception or protection against STIs that they may need, the pronouns they may identify with, their future plans around marriage and having children, and much more.”

Being inclusive can help ensure that your child doesn’t engage in some risky sexual behaviors without having the information they need to stay safe, and ensures that you aren’t left in the dark.

“Parents sometimes think they’re protecting their child by not talking, but they’re actually putting their kid at greater risk,” Savin-Williams says. “Your child is going to be driven by hormones, curiosity, and their friends. It’s not like kids don’t have access to information-they can Google it, and the Internet becomes the sex educator. You’re not hiding anything from your child.”

Share your values-in an inclusive way

As you talk about sexuality, you might start to delve into your own belief system about sex and relationships. You might have conversations about which types of acts you might want your child to reserve for a committed relationship or marriage, and which might be OK as they start dating.

“Most parents-regardless of their child’s sexual orientation-usually don’t want child to be sexual with anyone until they leave home,” Savin-Williams says. “That kind of a conversation is difficult. As your child approaches adolescence, the parent could say, ‘these are the kinds of activities that are off limits, but these are the kind of activities we could talk about.'”

Don’t out a child who’s not quite ready to come out

Even if you suspect your child may be gender fluid or a member of the LGBTQIA+ community, you shouldn’t assume that-or push for them to share the information with you. “Parents should never pressure their child into coming out or putting a label on their sexual or gender identity,” Rice says. “Each person needs to have control of this process in their life and should get to choose when, who, and how they come out.”

Keep in mind that gender is part of the equation, too

“With this generation, gender has become really important topic of conversation-how comfortable they are in their gender, and what gender feel they are,” Savin-Williams says. “Gender nonconformity or behavior-those kinds of things are visible to parents, so some become frightened by what it means and begin to impose more ‘appropriate’ gender behavior for their child.”

Rather than pushing traditional gender roles or appearance, Savin-Williams recommends just talking with your child. “You might say something like, ‘I noticed you seem to feel comfortable with both genders.'” Then ask what kinds of feedback they get from other people to help open the conversation.

Make sure this isn’t just a one-time-or one-way-conversation

The sex talk isn’t a one-and-done kind of thing. Continuing to talk about it with your child, and to listen to what they have to say, gives you some insight into how they’re feeling and what’s going on with them, and allows you to add more detail and nuance as your child gets older.

Look for opportunities to bring up the topic. “Look for teachable moments in television shows and movies where you can bring up the topic of sexual identity or gender identity,” Rice says. “Open the door to the conversation, then let your child do most of the talking while you listen. If they’re not ready to talk about the issue, that’s OK-don’t pressure them into having the conversation. If they do start sharing their thoughts, it is important to listen in a non-judgmental manner, and after they have shared their thoughts, then share yours.”

Having smaller talks over the course of years ensures that you continue to be a guiding force in your child’s life, as they start navigating the world of romantic and sexual relationships.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

May 27, 2021May 26, 2021

A Teen’s Guide to the Best Birth Control Methods

by Sian Ferguson

If you’re sexually active, or planning on having sex, it’s important to find a form of contraception that works for you. Regardless of your gender, sexual orientation, or genitalia, it’s important to consider which type of birth control to use.

This can be tricky for anyone. And if you’re a teenager who needs contraception, this can be even more difficult. You’ll have to consider other factors, like guardian consent, access, and cost.

The good news is that there are many kinds of contraception out there, each with their own advantages and disadvantages. While a healthcare worker is best equipped to help you figure out what’s best for your individual needs, this brief guide can help you choose a birth control method that works for you.

Before you choose contraception, there are a few things you need to know as a teenager.

There isn’t a ‘right’ age — if you’re ready, you’re ready

There’s no ‘right’ age to start having sex, whether that’s solo (aka masturbation) or partnered.

Some people have sex as teenagers, others wait until their twenties, and others choose to be celibate forever — and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s your choice!

Choosing to have sex is a personal decision, and it’s up to you whether you want to or not. Just remember to practice enthusiastic consent when you’re with your partner(s) and take measures to prevent unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

Some — not all — methods may require a guardian’s consent

Depending on the method you want to use, you might need consent from a guardian if you’re a minor. Laws on this can vary from state to state, so it’s important to look up the laws where you live or talk with a local healthcare provider.

For more about where you live, check out our comprehensive state-by-state guide.

Some methods may require a pelvic exam

In order to use certain forms of contraception, such as an intrauterine device (IUD), you’ll need a pelvic exam.

During a pelvic exam, a doctor or other healthcare professional will take a look at your vagina and vulva, inspecting the area for signs of infection or other underlying conditions. Pelvic exams usually include a Pap smear.

While a pelvic exam is no big deal for some, other people aren’t comfortable with them. If you fall into the latter camp, you might want to opt for a birth control method that doesn’t require a pelvic exam.

With that said, it’s usually recommended that you have a pelvic exam every year or so after becoming sexually active.

Birth control can also be used for symptom management

Many people use birth control, even when they aren’t sexually active.

The pill is associated with a range of benefits other than simply preventing pregnancy. Some people go on the contraceptive pill, for example, to help reduce acne, heavy periods, and menstrual cramps.

You don’t have to stick with the same method forever

Remember: You don’t have to use the same contraception forever. In fact, many people change methods.

You might change birth control methods because:

you start experiencing side effects
you’re able to afford a method that works better for you
your lifestyle changes

Just make sure you talk with a healthcare professional before you stop using your current method and switch to a new one. They can advise you on the best way to make the transition, ideally minimizing any unwanted side effects during this time.

As with any other age group, there’s no real one-size-fits-all solution. The method you choose depends on what’s convenient for you and what works best with your body. For example, some people might experience side effects with one form of birth control, but not with others.

Here are some of the most popular and easy-to-use birth control methods.

The most accessible method: Condoms

Condoms are probably the most accessible form of birth control to you. They can be bought online or at a supermarket. And, unlike most forms of contraception, you don’t need a prescription.

Unless you have an allergy to latex or the lubricant commonly found on condoms, the side effects are usually pretty rare and mild.

A big advantage of using condoms is that they can also reduce your risk for contracting a STI.

They can also be used alongside other birth control methods, like an IUD and the pill, further reducing your chance of unwanted pregnancy.

However, in order for condoms to be effective, they need to be used correctly and consistently — and it’s not always as easy as it looks. Even if you do use condoms correctly, there’s a chance they’ll break.

The most effective methods: IUDs and implants

The most effective methods are the implant and the IUD. These are long-term birth control methods, but they can be removed early if you prefer.

A huge advantage is that you can get them inserted and then not worry about them. Compared with the pill, which you have to take every day, these options are pretty low-maintenance.

The implant is a matchstick-sized plastic rod that’s inserted under your skin. It releases the hormone progestin, which prevents ovulation.

According to Planned Parenthood, the implant is more than 99 percent effective. You don’t need a pelvic exam to obtain an implant, but you’ll have to see a healthcare professional to get it inserted.

You’ll need a pelvic exam and a prescription for IUD insertion, too.

There are two different kinds of IUDs: the copper IUD and hormonal IUD.

The copper IUD is a non-hormonal method, which is a bonus for those who doesn’t want to use hormonal contraception. The copper repels sperm, which is why it’s effective. The copper IUD can be left in for up to 12 years.

The hormonal IUD can be left in place for 3 to 7 years. It releases progestin, which prevents ovulation. Some people find that the hormonal IUD stops their period or makes it lighter.

With that said, some people find that implants or IUDs cause painful periods and bad PMS. Unfortunately, it isn’t easy to predict how your body will react to these birth control methods.

The most popular method: Contraceptive pills

Oral contraceptive pills are a very popular birth control method. You can use the minipill (progestin only) or the combination pill (progestin and estrogen).

There are some potential drawbacks. First, you have to take them every single day around the same time in order for them to be effective.

Second, some people experience side effects, like acne or breast tenderness, while others find unexpected perks, like lighter periods, less acne, and a more regulated mood.

Plan B and other emergency contraceptives

If you’ve had sex without a condom, or if you used a condom that broke, you might want to use a form of emergency contraception (EC).

Hormonal emergency contraception can include:

Plan B One-Step
Next Choice
ella

A copper IUD can also be used as EC if it’s inserted within 5 days after unprotected sex.

According to Planned Parenthood, emergency IUD insertion reduces the chance of pregnancy by 99 percent. However, you’ll need a healthcare professional to insert the IUD.

Fertility awareness (also called the ‘rhythm method’)

The rhythm method involves tracking your menstrual cycle to find out when you’re fertile. This helps you avoid penis-in-vagina sex — and other activities that may introduce semen to the vaginal canal, like fingering after touching pre-cum or ejaculate — around the fertile period. Doing so can reduce your chances of getting pregnant.

The fertility awareness method combines the rhythm method with observation methods (like tracking your temperature and checking your cervical mucus) to predict ovulation.

The effectiveness of the fertility awareness method depends on a lot of factors, including the method you use and how accurately you chart your cycle and symptoms.

This method can be combined with another method, like condoms, to further reduce your chances of unwanted pregnancy.

PSA: Withdrawal isn’t reliable

The contraception you choose depends on your specific situation. To help you figure out which method is best for you, ask yourself the following questions.

How well does it work?

You’ll want to use a very effective form of birth control. For this reason, it’s probably best to avoid something like the withdrawal method, which is known to be ineffective.

Is it easy to use?

Contraception is only effective when you use it correctly.

The easiest methods to “use” are long-term birth control methods, like the IUD or implant, because you don’t actually have to do anything. Once it’s inserted, you can basically forget about it.

The pill might not be ideal for someone who can’t remember to take it every day. But if this isn’t an issue for you, it could be a good fit.

Condoms aren’t always easy to use at first, but you’ll probably pick it up quickly with a little practice. Take a look at our guide on using condoms correctly for more information.

What are the potential side effects?

You can’t always predict if you’ll experience side effects. However, it’s important to be aware of the potential side effects of the method you choose.

If the side effects feel too uncomfortable or unmanageable for you, you can go off that form of contraception and use another one.

Some forms of hormonal birth control aren’t suitable for people with certain health conditions. Be sure to tell your physician or other care provider about your full medical history, including any underlying conditions or medications you take, so they can take this into consideration.

How much does it cost?

Cost is an important factor. If you aren’t comfortable asking a guardian or other trusted adult for assistance, or if money is tight for you and your family, read our guide to finding low-cost contraception in your state.

Can it prevent STIs?

Preventing pregnancy is only one part of the safer sex conversation.

One way to reduce your risk of contracting an STI is to use a barrier method along with another birth control method. If you aren’t keen on condoms, you and your partner(s) can get tested for STIs together. A local sexual health clinic or Planned Parenthood might be able to help.

While condoms can usually be purchased at your local store, you’ll need to see a healthcare professional to obtain other forms of contraception, like the pill or IUD.

If you have a primary care doctor, they can help you with contraception.

But, if seeing a general practitioner is too costly, or if you aren’t comfortable discussing birth control with your usual doctor, there are other options. This includes local health departments and family planning clinics, like Planned Parenthood.

If you’re a college or university student, they’ll probably have a health clinic that offers free or discounted services.

If you’re an adult helping a teen choose contraception, there are a couple points to remember:

Respect their autonomy. Remember that their decision to use birth control or engage in sexual activity is theirs.
Keep an open line of communication. Let them know that they’re able to approach you with questions if they need to.
Respect their privacy. They might not be comfortable discussing sex and birth control in detail. Be prepared to direct them to a doctor, clinic, or online resources if they have questions they don’t want to ask you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

May 6, 2021May 5, 2021

Parents, for your ‘quaranteenager’s’ sexual health, talk to them about taking risks

For teens, the pandemic has spotlit the risk of not being able to take risks associated with establishing new intimate relationships outside of the family.

By Jen Gilbert

For the past year, the pandemic has shaped how young people have been forced to consider risk. Masks, social distancing, hand washing, staying home — these are new norms of safety for life as what’s popularly been dubbed a “quaranteenager.”

And yet, as the weather warms, and we take tentative steps outside, teenagers will begin to navigate their own desire for face-to-face contact and socializing and their need to stay safe in the pandemic.

As parents work to support teenagers’ emotional and physical well-being this spring and summer, let’s not forget the ways this pandemic has interrupted their sexual development. Teens are supposed to be establishing new intimate relationships outside of the family.

Instead, a year-long lockdown has kept teens close to home and increased their time with parents or household members and cut them off from most physical contact with peers.

Just as COVID-19 has required parents to have difficult and frank conversations with the teens about health risks, the pandemic provides an opportunity for parents to have frank conversations about sexuality and safety as well.

Two people holding hands. The pandemic provides an opportunity for parents to have frank conversations about sexuality and safety

Teenage years interrupted

Like adults, teens have spent the year in various stages of lockdown, but the cost of this time in isolation affects teens differently. Gone are many of the familiar experiences that are important to developing an emerging sense of self and the wider world in high school: dances, sleepovers, concerts, sports, parties, field trips.

All these losses add up for teens and emerging research shows the pandemic has taken a toll of young people’s mental well-being.

Sexual health researchers caution that sex education could get lost in a shift to online learning at school. They also speculate that one of the short-term effects of the pandemic on teenagers’ sexual health could be less contact with sexual partners — and that “longer term outcomes will almost certainly affect sexual activity and intimate relationships.”

Some clinicians testify that in their pandemic practice they’ve noticed young people are having less sex and with fewer partners.

But none of this means teens have given up on sex: A study of gay and bisexual boys aged 14-17 in the United States finds they they are watching more porn.

A study of female-identifying Canadian teens aged between 16 and 19 finds girls were more reliant than ever on new media to initiate and maintain dating relationships, using online apps and social media to virtually flirt and hook up.

Reorienting after COVID-19

Reorienting ourselves after a year of living under the threat of COVID-19 social, economic and health effects will be difficult.

Besides worrying about viral infection, parents have spent the year concerned about social isolation, lack of exercise and digital over-exposure.

As teens slowly emerge from the pandemic and reconnect in real life with their peers, they will bring this experience of living under lockdown to their dating and romantic relationships.

Teens walk in an alley. — A group of teens walk through Fan Tan Alley in downtown Victoria, Nov. 26, 2020.

Rethinking ‘good’ parenting of teens

Many social researchers insist that a post-pandemic life should not be a return to normal. As they argue, normal life was marked by glaring social inequalities that have only deepened during the pandemic. For parents of teens, as well, a return to normal would signal a return to concerns about the risks of sexual activity. But what if the pandemic was an occasion for parents’ to rethink their relationship to their teen’s sexual risk-taking?

As social work and sexuality scholar Laina Bay-Cheng argues, too often “good” parenting of teens has meant restricting access to sexual information in the name of protection.

She advocates for an ethical shift that asks parents to normalize teen sexual behaviour, provide access to information and resources and transform the social conditions that make teen sexual activity dangerous.

The risk of no risks

One lesson the pandemic offers is a chance to notice the risk of not having opportunities to take risks. Perhaps the pandemic can provide a chance for parents to grant their teenage children what disability scholars have called “the dignity of risk.” Our duty of care cannot trump teenagers’ evolving capability to reasonably assess risks worth taking.

Rather than frame risk as something to be avoided, young people could be supported to make decisions about risk in their lives, including sexual risk, in ways that don’t put their own or others’ well-being in jeopardy. Yes, this means talking to teens about consent, but these conversations also should touch on the ordinary risks we all take in our sexual lives, including the risk of rejection and the surprise of pleasure.

As my research has explored, how we talk to youth about sexuality matters among other reasons because the most intimate of our experiences can come to shape how we see and act in the world. Seen from this point of view, risk is not an obstacle to development but the very grounds of its possibility.

Talking with teens

Let’s talk with teens about the relationships that matter to them.

As teens venture out to explore and experiment with sexuality and forge their new, post-pandemic identities, let’s not begin every conversation about sexuality with worries about pregnancy and disease.

Instead, let’s afford young people the “dignity of risk,” not only in their sexual development but in their whole lives — their friendships, their schooling and their work.

Such conversations can lay the groundwork for the possibility of teens or young adults still enjoying spending time at home whether during the pandemic or beyond.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

April 28, 2021April 27, 2021

Sex Ed Often Leaves Out Queer People.

Here’s What To Know

By Lilly Quiroz

Sex can be a nerve-racking experience no matter what. That’s especially true if you have no clue what to do. And since LGBTQ+ topics are often left out of the conversation in school sex ed classes, many queer people know this feeling well.

There is no national mandate for sex education in the U.S., and even in the states that do provide courses, homosexuality is often disregarded or vilified. According to the organization SIECUS: Sex Ed For Social Change, nine states require educators to portray homosexuality in a negative manner or do not allow them to speak about LGBTQ individuals, while only 11 states require classes to include affirming sexual orientation instruction. That number shrinks to seven when SIECUS accounts for states that mandate affirming instruction about both sexual health and gender identity.

It’s a hotly debated topic being taken up by state legislatures now.

Aside from leaving some queer people in a panic searching for “how to have sex” online, there are consequences when students don’t receive a proper sex education. For example, lesbian and bisexual youth or those with both male and female partners experience a higher rate of unintended pregnancies when compared to their heterosexual peers.

Some sexuality educators are pushing for comprehensive sex education, which would include topics relevant to queer students, that leave behind abstinence-only and shame-based messages.

Life Kit spoke with sexuality educators to understand what sex education could look like for queer students.

Get to know your body and discover what pleasure feels like to you.

Ericka Hart, a sexuality educator with a focus in racial, social and gender justice, reminds us that messages about sex in education and in the media are typically for a white, cisgender and straight audience. To get a better understanding of what you like, “I think it’s a matter of just taking in messages that you’re receiving from the world and seeing if they are fit or not,” they say. If those messages don’t fit or affirm you, Hart suggests masturbation as a way to unlearn that in order to discover what does please you.

Another way to figure out what you do or don’t like can be through watching porn. If this is your preference, consider watching porn created by queer performers — and make sure it’s made ethically, by paying performers and using safe practices.

There isn’t a singular or “right” way to have sex.

Historically, sex education in the U.S. has revolved around the idea that sex involves a penis and vagina. However, it can involve different kinds of genitalia, body parts or none of the above. Sex is whatever brings you pleasure.

“Just because you are queer doesn’t mean that there’s such a thing called queer sex,” Ericka Hart says. “We all have sex differently. It’s really just [however] you are defining it.”

Sexuality educator Melina Gioconda Davis, who also goes by their stage name “Melina Gaze,” is co-founder and director at Vulgar, a sex education project in Mexico. “When we’re looking to explore our sexuality, or our pleasure, it’s a really great tool to think of our explorations as pleasure-oriented instead of goal-oriented,” Gaze says. In other words, the end goal doesn’t need to be an orgasm.

Communication should be ongoing with sexual partners to make sure everyone is comfortable and satisfied.

Of course, consent is always necessary. Hart says how you communicate what you want is also important. “I” statements are good to communicate what you find pleasurable. Be forthright about what you want and discuss with your sex partner(s) where you all agree. If someone draws a boundary, respect it and move on. This communication will evolve over time. Ensuring that a person is comfortable with terms or sexual acts that continue to affirm their identity is crucial.

Hart recommends Scarleteen’s “Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist” to discover what your physical and non-physical boundaries are. It reviews questions like whether you are comfortable with your top off with a partner, whether you want to be the one to put on the condom, whether you want to share your sexual history with your partner and more. (Life Kit has a whole episode on navigating consent, too.)

Don’t let shame or stigma prevent you from caring for your sexual health.

Melina Gaze believes a big priority for sexuality educators should be to reduce the stigma and shame surrounding STIs. Gaze says testing is important and a great way to check your status. They recommend speaking with a trusted physician to decipher what your individual risk assessment looks like. “Risk is not a moral judgment,” they say, “it’s kind of like a statistical equation.” If you don’t have access to healthcare services, you can also visit a community clinic like a Planned Parenthood for testing and treatment.

Gaze also believes that sexual health includes mental, emotional and physical health. “I think sexual health has to do with general bodily well-being,” Gaze says. “Are the social conditions present for me to be able to feel good as a sexual being?”

And, it’s important to remember that sexual health is intersectional. “We’re not just individuals, right? We’re inserted in structures that go beyond just individual social structures, like racism, like classism, like ableism. And those things impact how we have sex. They impact whether we feel entitled to our bodies or not.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

April 23, 2021April 22, 2021

The Best Puberty Books for Your Growing Kiddo

By Steph Auteri

My 6-year-old daughter owns about a dozen books about bodies, babies, and consent (par for the course when your mom is a sex writer). I maintain a separate shelf in my bedroom that holds eight more books I’ll pass along to her — or read myself — as she gets older. And then I have several more that are just for me: books about how to be a sex-positive parent from birth on.

But there is a gap (gasp!) in my collection. This summer, my daughter turns seven. And though I didn’t experience menarche until I was 13, there are some kids who enter puberty as early as eight years old. And god knows I don’t want Em to be blindsided by blood in her underwear or other bodily changes.

And so, I recently did what any mildly obsessed mother would do: I went in search of the best puberty books for kids. Here’s what I found.

Celebrate Your Body by Sonya Renee Taylor

This book is billed as the ultimate puberty book for girls. It doesn’t hurt that it’s written by the amazing Sonya Renee Taylor, a social justice activist and the founder of The Body Is Not an Apology movement. I’ve mentioned this book on the site before but, as a reminder, it prepares girls for what happens to their bodies and minds during puberty and also gives them a heads up in regard to peer pressure, social media safety, self-care, and more.

The Girls’ Guide to Sex Education by Michelle Hope

The subtitle of this book says that it contains over 100 answers to urgent questions about puberty, relationships, and growing up. Examples include: What is a period? Why are my boobs sore? How do I use a tampon? How do I wash my private area? The Q+A format helps make the content easily digestible…and easier to navigate for those girls who have very specific questions about their changing bodies. And parents aren’t left behind either. The foreword explains how parents can best approach sex education with their kids using the book as a tool.

Best Puberty Books for Boys

Guy Stuff by Cara Natterson and Micah Player

You didn’t think I’d leave you and your sons high and dry, did you? This book, written by a pediatrician, provides boys with tips on how to take care of themselves as they move through puberty. Organized by body part, it contains info on everything from underarm care to sources of stink to acne, erections, and more.

Growing up Great! by Scott Todnem and Anjan Sarkar

Billed as the ultimate puberty book for boys, this title lays out the changes kids can expect during puberty and gives them tips on how to maintain their overall health and well-being. The book also includes a glossary of puberty terms and a plethora of coping mechanisms as they grapple with the emotional impacts of growing older.

Best Puberty Books for Kids of All Genders

The Every Body Book by Rachel E. Simon and Noah Grigni

Of course, my favorite puberty books are those that are geared toward all genders. Because it’s important for kids to know about and gain empathy around what their peers are experiencing. This one is another sex-positive book I’ve mentioned before, an LGBTQ+-inclusive guide that covers sex and gender, love and attraction, sexual intercourse and, most important of all (for our purposes here), the physical and emotional changes that go hand-in-hand with puberty.

Wait, What? by Heather Corinna and Isabella Rotman

God, I love that sex ed comics are a thing. And who better to put together a sex ed comic about puberty than the founder of Scarleteen and the cartoonist, illustrator, and sex educator who’s been featured there (and who has multiple comics about sexuality under her belt)? This particular graphic novel covers all the essentials about pre-teens’ and teens’ changing bodies and shifting emotions. The diverse cast of characters discusses everything from body image to sexual and gender identity to consent.

Sex Positive Talks to Have with Kids by Melissa Pintor Carnagey

This book is geared toward parents — and covers way more than just puberty — but I had to include it. The other month, I interviewed Melissa for a piece about how to normalize talking to your kids about periods and, my god, I have never seen someone get so excited about menstruation. In this book, Melissa advises families on how best to raise sexually healthy children. Pick this one up if you’re grappling with how to start conversations with your kids about bodies, consent, pleasure, and more.

Puberty Is Gross But Also Really Awesome by Gina Loveless and Lauri Johnston

Finally, this brand new book provides a humorous take on puberty, acknowledging all the stuff that seems super gross but is, in actuality, super awesome. There are chapters about body changes, identity, health, self-confidence, bullying, crushes, and my god I could go on. I am so excited about this book.

Godspeed, parents, and good luck to your kids, too. I promise…puberty isn’t the big bad you think it is.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Teenagers want to know these things. Giving them answers and telling them not to be ashamed of their desires and how to pursue them safely and consensually isn’t hurting them, it’s helping them take control of their bodies and wants.

Imagine being a closeted student and watching some mom of your peer — or yourself — cry about how she’d be horrified if her teenager came home with a book about a queer person. That means if you went home and said you were queer, you’d be hated, probably more than the book.

Research suggests that adults and teenagers are having less sex now than 30 years ago. But is there more to the story, and why does it matter anyway?

Why aren’t the kids doing it?

Why does it matter how much sex people are having?

Using the anatomical names for private parts and getting vaccinations against HPV by age 12 can help keep children healthy into adulthood

Teach the names of private parts

Get your children vaccinated against HPV by age 12

Make sex education part of family conversations

Navigate difficult topics with trusted health-care providers

— The experts’ guide to teen dating

From first kisses to ghosting, dating can be a minefield for young people. Here’s how to have a happy, healthy romance

Take things offline

Put safety first

Manage your emotions

Be chatty

Know how to end a date

Don’t sweat your first kiss

Think about when to make things official

Work out if you’re ready to have sex

Learn how to boost your confidence

Stay aware of consent

Think before you sext

Understand how to handle rejection

Avoid being spooked by ghosting

Don’t use porn to educate yourself

… and don’t let Covid get you down

And remember, dating should be fun …

—Avoid eye contact, joke and invent an imaginary friend

If the thought of talking to your child about sex is terrifying, you’re not alone. But there are ways to ease everyone’s discomfort.

Does talking to my child about sex have to be a mortifying nightmare?

Fear not: Sexuality doesn’t have to be black and white!

1 30 Days of Sex Talks for Ages 12+

2 Consent: The New Rules of Sex Education

3 It’s Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health

4 Sex, Puberty, and All That Stuff: A Guide to Growing Up

5 Asking About Sex & Growing Up: A Question-And-Answer Book for Kids

6 In Case You’re Curious: Questions About Sex from Young People with Answers from the Experts

7 100 Questions You’d Never Ask Your Parents

8 Sex: An Uncensored Introduction

9 S.E.X.: The All-You-Need-To-Know Sexuality Guide to Get you Through Your Teens and Twenties

10 The Pride Guide: A Guide to Sexual and Social Health for LGBTQ Youth

When a child comes to you to talk about abuse they are facing, it is important to listen and act in a way to support the child and keep him or her protected. You have a responsibility to keep children safe.

Types of Disclosure

Recognize the Clues

Support the Child

During the Disclosure

“The talk” might need to include some unique information to support your LGBTQ child.

Start early

You don’t have to have all the answers to have the talk

Keep it gender neutral

Be LGBTQIA+ inclusive, even if you think your child is cisgendered and heterosexual

Share your values-in an inclusive way

Don’t out a child who’s not quite ready to come out

Keep in mind that gender is part of the equation, too

Make sure this isn’t just a one-time-or one-way-conversation

There isn’t a ‘right’ age — if you’re ready, you’re ready

Some — not all — methods may require a guardian’s consent

Some methods may require a pelvic exam

Birth control can also be used for symptom management

You don’t have to stick with the same method forever

The most accessible method: Condoms

The most effective methods: IUDs and implants

The most popular method: Contraceptive pills

Plan B and other emergency contraceptives

Fertility awareness (also called the ‘rhythm method’)

How well does it work?

Is it easy to use?

What are the potential side effects?

How much does it cost?

Can it prevent STIs?

Teenage years interrupted

Reorienting after COVID-19

Rethinking ‘good’ parenting of teens

The risk of no risks

Talking with teens

Here’s What To Know

Celebrate Your Body by Sonya Renee Taylor

The Girls’ Guide to Sex Education by Michelle Hope

Best Puberty Books for Boys