Category: Kids and Sex

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To Solve the LGBTQ Youth Mental Health Crisis

— Our Research Must Be More Nuanced

Young people do not fall into neat categories of race, sexual orientation or gender identity. Research into LGBTQ mental health must take that into account

By Myeshia Price

Our youth are in a mental health crisis. Young people describe steadily increasing sadness, hopelessness and suicidal thoughts. These mental health challenges are greater for youth who hold marginalized identities that include sexual orientation, gender identity or race or ethnicity. Near-constant exposure to traumatizing media and news stories, such as when Black youth watch videos of people who look like them being killed or when transgender youth hear multiple politicians endorse and pass laws that deny their very existence, compounds these disparities.

But young people do not fall into neat categories of race, ethnicity, sexual orientation or gender identity. They reject antiquated norms and societal expectations, especially around gender and sexuality. Yet most research on people in this group, especially on LGBTQ youth, does not fully account for how they identify themselves. Approaching research as though sex is binary and gender is exact leads to incomplete data. This mistake keeps us from creating the best possible mental health policies and programs.

We need to collect robust data on specific populations of LGBTQ young people to better understand the unique risks they face, such as immigration concerns that Latinx youth may have that others may not. We can also better understand factors that uphold well-being, such as how family support affects Black trans and nonbinary youth.

LGBTQ young people of color, including those who identify in more nuanced ways than either gay or lesbian, are more likely to struggle with their mental health than their white LGBTQ counterparts. As researchers, if we can equip ourselves with this information about their unique needs and experiences, we can create intervention strategies that support the mental health of every LGBTQ young person rather than attempting to apply a “broad strokes” approach that assumes what works for one group must work for all.

As director of research science at the Trevor Project, the premier suicide prevention organization for LGBTQ youth, I lead projects that examine LGBTQ young people and their mental health in an intersectional way, accounting for the many facets of their identities and how society and culture influence how they value themselves. I and my colleagues conduct studies with groups of people who are geographically diverse and gender- and race-diverse to understand what drives mental health distress in a way that allows us to address specific needs in different populations. For advocates trying to improve mental health outcomes, this means they must consider stigma, how it turns into victimization, discrimination, and rejection and how it disproportionately affects people who hold multiple marginalized identities.

Our 2023 U.S. National Survey on the Mental Health of LGBTQ Young People, for example, found that LGBTQ youth with multiple marginalized identities reported greater suicide risk, compared with their peers who did not have more than one marginalized identity. To learn this, we asked young people demographic questions about race/ethnicity, sexual orientation and gender identity amid a battery of assessments. Based on survey questions about mental health and suicide risk, we’ve found that nearly one in five transgender or nonbinary young people (18 percent) attempted suicide in the past year, compared with nearly one in 10 cisgender young people whose sexual orientation was lesbian, gay, bisexual, queer, pansexual, asexual or questioning (8 percent). Among almost all groups of LGBTQ young people of color, the rates of those who said they had attempted suicide—22 percent of Indigenous youth, 18 percent of Middle Eastern/Northern African youth, 16 percent of Black youth, 17 percent of multiracial youth and 15 percent of Latinx youth—were higher than that of white LGBTQ youth (11 percent). And youth who identified as pansexual attempted suicide at a significantly higher rate than lesbian, gay, bisexual, queer, asexual and questioning youth.

The majority of research exploring LGBTQ young people’s mental health does not have the sample size to do subgroup analyses in this way or, in rare cases, opts to unnecessarily aggregate findings (such as when bisexual young people are not analyzed separately despite representing the majority of the LGBTQ population). Our recruitment goals are set on finding enough people in harder-to-reach groups, such as Black transgender and nonbinary young people, and not to simply have a high overall sample size. In doing so, we are able to analyze findings specific to each group and also ensure these findings reach a wide audience. However, just as other researchers, when we are unable to collect enough data for subgroups to appropriately power our analyses, we do not publish those findings.

What we hope is that people working in small community settings can design targeted prevention programs. For example, an organization that aims to improve well-being among Latinx LGBTQ young people can also provide appropriate support for immigration laws and policies because immigration issues feed into mental health. Or an organization focused on family and community support among Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders can also focus on LGBTQ young people. The data we have gathered can informed services at organizations such as Desi Rainbow Parents & Allies, National Black Justice Coalition (NBJC) and the Ali Forney Center, among others.

Researchers must be intentional about which aspects of sexual orientation and gender identity are most relevant to the questions they are trying to answer when designing their studies. They must use survey items closely matched to those categories. Researchers must find a balance between nuance and analytic utility—allowing young people to describe their own identities in addition to using categorical descriptors. This can look like including open-ended questions or longer lists of identity options. Taking steps like these are critical for collecting and analyzing data that reflect the multitudes of this diverse group of young people. I urge researchers to apply an intersectional lens to their work and public health officials and youth-serving organizations to tailor services and programming to meet the unique needs of all young people. That’s because a “one-size-fits-all” approach has never and will never work when the goal is to save lives.

IF YOU NEED HELP

If you or someone you know is struggling or having thoughts of suicide, help is available. Call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 or use the online Lifeline Chat. LGBTQ+ Americans can reach out to the Trevor Project by texting START to 678-678 or calling 1-866-488-7386.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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‘The sex ed class you wish you’d had’

— The influencer doctors teaching Americans the basics

With schools failing American students, OB-GYNs use TikTok to tackle questions and dispel myths

By

Some of TikTok’s biggest stars aren’t teen influencers or adorable pets – they are OB-GYNs posting sex education videos.

Need to know if you can continue to take antidepressants while pregnant? Dr Keith L Riggs, a Houston-based OB-GYN, has got you covered. Want to see how an IUD is inserted into the uterus? Check out a demo on the Dallas physician assistant Shay Blue’s page. Have questions on what sex position is most likely to get you pregnant? Dr Ali Rodriguez – aka the Latina Doc – made a video for that. (Spoiler: it’s whatever position you like the most – no method has emerged as a scientifically proven best choice.)

All kinds of doctors have joined TikTok. There are plastic surgeons and dermatologists who gleefully post videos hypothesizing what work an actor has had done. Dentists film videos – equal parts terrifying and mesmerizing – showing what plaque looks like as it’s scraped from teeth. If you really want to see footage from a colonoscopy, hit up the urology corner of #healthtok.

But those who practice #OBGYN – a hashtag that has over 5bn views on the app – enjoy a particular kind of virality. And some of the most popular have parlayed their online fame into other ventures.

Dr Jennifer Lincoln, who has 2.8 million followers and claims to offer “the health class you wish you had in high school”, published a book on reproductive health in 2021 and hosts a podcast where she answers listeners’ questions about all things sex. (Recent episodes include A Summer Period Survival Guide and Myth-Busting the Morning-After Pill.)

Dr Jennifer Lincoln has 2.8 million followers and hosts a podcast.

“There’s just a lot of people out there who do not know how to access things,” Lincoln, who lives in Portland, said. “Commenters have asked about anything from birth control to a pregnancy test. These are basic things we would have hoped to have been covered in sex ed, but that’s not the case in the majority of states.”

Americans have been receiving inadequate sex education for decades – but in the last year, things have become even worse. The supreme court’s reversal of Roe v Wade has led to a flood of abortion misinformation online, and Florida’s “don’t say gay” law means that teachers can no longer lead classroom discussions on gender identity or sexuality. As LGBTQ+ students continue to be marginalized across the country, they lack information that can help them understand their bodies and cultivate a sense of autonomy.

A few years ago, people with concerns about their reproductive health might hit up anonymous Reddit boards for help – now, they can take their pick of TikTok experts to follow.

Dr Danielle Jones, who goes by @mamadoctorjones on TikTok, said she had joined the platform because that’s where the kids are. “It’s a good venue to do some sex education and dispel myths about things that impact people who are younger,” she said. “We know that if we can get into their heads early and dispel misinformation before they encounter it, it can keep them from falling down the rabbit hole.”

And there are a lot of myths to dispel. Though Planned Parenthood reports that the vast majority of parents support having sex education taught in middle and high school, the US is pretty terrible at teaching it. Only 30 states and the district of Columbia require sex education classes in schools, and those that do may stress harmful abstinence-only narratives or spread medically inaccurate information.

Since the fall of Roe, Lincoln’s teen viewers have reached out to her after applying to college in states where abortion rights have been gutted, such as Texas, Florida, or Oklahoma. “They’re really scared, and they’re not sure if they’ll be able to access contraception,” she said. “Parents will also message me saying, ‘My daughter is going to college, she has her heart set on the University of Texas, but I’m scared for her. What should I do?’”

Lincoln’s answer: “Let’s talk about birth control and get Plan B and abortion pills ahead of time, just in case. You may not think this is a conversation you have to have with your daughter, but in 2023, you do.

Only 30 states and DC require sex education in schools.

Jones, who practiced obstetrics in Texas before her family moved to New Zealand in 2021, said many of her followers reach out to her with questions they do not want to ask their primary care physicians.

“In states like Texas, people are concerned about who they can safely ask about contraception,” she said. “If you don’t know how your healthcare provider feels about abortion, you don’t know if you can trust them.”

Tiffany Connolly, a 26-year-old from Grand Rapids, Michigan, has learned helpful information from OB-GYNs on TikTok. “It’s a useful source when it can be difficult to pinpoint certain things within my body,” she said. “I can’t always just call up a doctor or make an appointment right away.”

Connolly, who does not want children, plans to get a tubal ligation after her IUD expires next year. Young people who seek sterilizations often have to visit multiple doctors before finding one who will agree to provide it, but Connolly found a spreadsheet posted by Dr Franziska Haydanek, a Rochester, New York, gynecologist with more than 300,000 followers, that lists the names of doctors across the country who are known to safely and responsibly perform the procedure on unmarried and childless patients.

Haydanek posted the spreadsheet last summer, right as the reversal of Roe v Wade pushed more women to consider the procedure as a means of permanent birth control. Since then, the video has been viewed over 50,000 times.

Krysten Stein, a PhD candidate in media studies, has written about TikTok gynecologists for a communications journal. “I wanted to know why these videos were getting so much traction,” she said. “When people seek these kinds of resources online, it’s often because they don’t have access to health insurance or doctors.

Dr Danielle Jones wants to keep young people from ‘falling down the rabbit hole’.

Stein has polycystic ovary syndrome, which can cause irregular periods and pelvic pain, but often goes undiagnosed by doctors who downplay its symptoms as normal period side effects.

Years ago, Stein found refuge in online forums like Reddit, where she finally engaged with people who took her pain seriously. She suspects that people on TikTok form a similar kind of community on the app. “It’s a platform where you can see other people who might be experiencing the same thing as you are,” she said.

Samantha Broxton lives in southern California and frequents OB-GYN TikTok, where, the 35-year-old mom said, she had learned things she wished her own doctors had told her years ago. It’s been a resource for her, but she also wonders what type of care TikTok OB-GYNs provide their patients offline.

“If they’re talking about inequalities in medicine on TikTok, I want to know if they’re vocal about it too in the workplace,” she said. “Are they working to improve the system, or is it just easy to talk about doing that online?”

The American College of Gynecology and Obstetrics does not give doctors specific rules on how to use TikTok, but some hospitals and institutions have social media policies. For the most part, Stein said, doctors are on their own when it comes to deciding what information is appropriate to include in a TikTok.

They don’t always get it right. Last year, four obstetrics nurses were fired from an Atlanta hospital for making a video mocking expectant mothers. Emory hospital, which employed the nurses, later released a statement saying the video was “disrespectful and unprofessional”.

Should OB-GYN influencers take money from brands? When Stein interviewed some for her paper, there was no general consensus. Certain TikTok OB-GYNs said they would only accept deals with brands that felt aligned with their values – they were not just taking cash from anyone. Others were less judicious.

“Some of them said, ‘I want to be a content creator full time,’” Stein said. “There were a lot of moral questions that came up around that. There are no rules, and right now it’s based upon the specific person’s moral compass.”

And how do you know someone is actually a doctor, and not just playing one on TikTok? Lincoln noted that some creators are misleading in their credentials, calling themselves “hormone experts” in their bio. “That’s a term some people use after reading a book or taking a weekend ‘course’ – so, meaningless,” she said.

There are also chiropractors, anesthesiologists, and generalists who are not reproductive health experts dispensing advice on the subject. “It’s really confusing to people, because they see MD in the handle and think they’re experts, though they’re not experts in the field,” Lincoln said. “This harms the OB-GYN TikTok space because these grifting experts often throw our field under the bus.”

Actual gynecologists worth a 30-second watch, Lincoln says, are ones who cite their sources or at least let their viewers know when something is their opinion rather than a studied fact. “As a rule, when I’m explaining something medical, I always give references,” she said. “We need to be transparent about what we know and what we don’t.”

Jones believes the most urgent part of her job right now is spreading accurate information about abortion rights. She grew up in rural Texas and described herself as pro-life until going to medical school changed her mind. Now, she hopes to help others come to the same conclusion.

“I’ve had people reach out and say that I’ve helped them see abortion rights from a different perspective,” Jones said. “It’s one of the most meaningful things I can hear: ‘Two weeks ago I would have called you a murderer, but now I support the right to choose.’”

Still, she knows the limitations of TikTok activism. “What I do online is valuable, and it’s a great supplement, but it’s not going to fully replace sex education,” she said. “Young people need that, and we know the outcomes are not going to be good when they don’t receive it in schools.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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‘This Book is Gay’

— Provides comprehensive, and inclusive, sexual education

“This Book is Gay,” by Juno Dawson.

By Ali Velshi and Hannah Holland

“This Book is Gay,” by Juno Dawson, starts with a welcome: “There’s a long-running joke that, on ‘coming out,’ a young lesbian, gay guy, bisexual, or trans person should receive a membership card and instruction manual. This is your instruction manual.” And “This Book is Gay” reads as exactly that: a guide.

Each fact-based chapter is interspersed with a candid, first-person narrative collected from real people.

Equal parts humorous and informative, this nonfiction young adult book is divided into sections: identity, stereotypes, queer history, coming out and relationships — including sexual relationships. Each fact-based chapter is interspersed with candid, first-person narratives collected from real people.

Dawson is a guide with credentials, having spent nearly a decade as a sexual education and wellness teacher in the U.K. before turning to writing full-time. She came out as transgender publicly in 2015 and is a staunch advocate for the LGBTQ+ community.

“The Ins and Outs of Gay Sex,” a chapter positioned toward the end of the book, opens with text outlined to make you take notice, “This Chapter is about sex. […] If you are a younger reader and feel you aren’t ready for the finer details of same-sex pairings, then simply skip this whole chapter.” The chapter goes on to include potentially lifesaving information on sexually transmitted infections, including HIV and AIDS, diagrams of sexual organs, like you might see in health class, and a commentary on love and relationships.

It is this section that is referenced most frequently in the relentless calls to ban this book across the United States.

Much has been written about the sheer number of books banned these past two school years (a record 1,477 instances of individual books banned in the first half of this school year according to PEN America) and the fact that a disproportionately high number of those titles tell LGBTQ+ stories. “This Book is Gay” is frequently near the top of the American Library Association’s list of most banned books.

Most of the books we feature on the “Velshi Banned Book Club” are literature, including contemporary works of poetry and graphic novels. The conversation surrounding the accessibility of those works is ultimately a conversation about the value of literature for students and for society. Conversely, the conversation surrounding “This Book is Gay” is about the necessity for comprehensive and, most importantly, inclusive sexual education. As Dawson so saliently reminds readers, the exclusion of same-sex couples in the typical sex-ed class is nothing short of “institutional homophobia.”

Sexual education of any kind is rapidly disappearing and changing across the nation. Florida’s Broward County, which includes Fort Lauderdale, ended this school year with no sexual education at all. Georgia’s Gwinnett County, just outside of Atlanta, has voted to stick with abstinence-only education. School districts across Kentucky have had to overhaul their curriculum to comply with new bans on sex education, gender identity and student pronouns. This is happening all over the nation, state by state.

Of course, many of the arguments made against “This Book is Gay” center around antiquated views of gender expression and sexuality, but they’re also made in bad faith, including labeling this book as “inappropriate.” For a certain age group, this book is inappropriate. This book is not for young children — which is why it is not written for or marketed to them. Educators and proponents of inclusive sexual education, who may have used this book as an educational resource or noted its spot on a library shelf, are not intending for it to be used to teach young children.

Florida’s Broward County, which includes Fort Lauderdale, ended this school year with no sexual education at all.

“This Book is Gay” is for those young adults already grappling with their sexuality and identity. It is for those who are already looking for a safe space, understanding, or a guide through the dense jungle of teenage years. A group, I might add, that has had access to the full depths of the internet for their entire lives. It is the best-case, and least-likely, scenario that any one of them learned about sex, relationships and sexual identity through school-mandated sexual education or with the help of books that could be read and discussed with their parents.

The reality is this: At some point between high school, college and young adulthood, most everyone will be confronted with a situation related to sex and sexuality. “I didn’t know anything about myself. […] I was so unprepared and, now as an adult I see that I was left very vulnerable. I didn’t fully understand consent, I didn’t fully understand boundaries, I didn’t understand that I could say no to things,” explains Dawson in an interview on the Velshi Banned Book Club.

Relationships can be the most beautiful and rewarding part of life, and they can also be the most damaging, physically and emotionally. By prohibiting access to valuable resources like “This Book is Gay,” we are leaving already vulnerable LGBTQ+ young adults with nowhere to turn.

Sending our young people, regardless of sexual orientation, into the world without a comprehensive understanding of how to prevent sexually transmitted infections or pregnancy is a huge problem. Sending our young people into the world without a conversation about what respect looks like within a relationship is a major issue. Sending our young people into the world without a conversation about who exactly they are is nothing short of a crisis.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Are You Ready to Have ‘The Big Sex Talk’ With Your Teen?

— How to ensure the young adults in your life have the sexual health information they need.

By Ella Dorval Hall

As a parent, your child’s physical and emotional safety is likely your highest priority. While sexual health is a huge component of this, many parents don’t know how to support their teen’s sexual well-being. There’s a lot of misinformation out there, and oftentimes parents don’t feel as if they have the proper support to talk to their teens about sexual health. Enter “The Big Sex Talk,” or simply “The Talk.”

For many parents and caregivers, navigating topics such as puberty, sex and romantic relationships represents an intimidating and overwhelming element of parenting.

No matter where the hesitation lies, there are experts and research that’ll help you support your teen to make informed and healthy decisions about sexual health.

Why is it so important to have “The Talk” anyway?

Young people need accurate information about sex, whether oral, anal or vaginal sex, in order to make safe, healthy and informed decisions.

Extensive research indicates young people who do not have accurate information about their sexual health are more likely to experiment with sex at younger ages than ones who do.

Even some information is better than none. When teens are able to talk with a parent or caregiver about safer sex, they are less likely to have unprotected sex.

There is a wealth of research that shows talking to your teen about sex and healthy relationships is one of the most important elements to help them make informed and healthy decisions.

However, there is an overwhelming amount of misinformation about sexuality on the internet, particularly on social media. This is something both Gabrielle S. Evans, MPH, CHES, a sexuality educator and researcher based in Houston, and Clarissa Herman, a Minnesota-based social, emotional, and sexual health educator for emerging teenagers, are well aware of.

“Talking to your teen about sex is important because without receiving information from you, it’s likely that they’ll encounter false and unsafe information about sex on social media, which can lead to making decisions that they do not understand the outcome of,” Herman explained.

“Add this to the fact that sex education in school has decreased since the 1990s, and we have a major problem,” she added. “It’s really important to talk to your teen about what is healthy, what is normal, what is safe. And what is going to happen when they don’t have good reliable sources for that information in their schools like they used to, or from their care providers? Their main source is social media.”

In addition, having conversations with your teen about sexual contact shows them you are a trusted person they can come to, Evans noted.

“Research has been telling us for decades that teens prefer to get information about sex from their parents and other trusted adults in their lives,” said Erica M. Butler, M.Ed., founder of Happ E. SexTalk, LLC in Columbus, Ohio, and creator of HAPPERMATIONS, sex-positive affirmation cards for toddlers. “The disconnect is that parents don’t know how to talk about it (or don’t want to) and teens definitely don’t know how to bring it up without feeling like they’ll get in trouble.”

How do you prepare to have ‘The Talk?’

If you’re at a loss for words, you’re not alone. Talking about sex can prove challenging, uncomfortable and overwhelming. When many parents today recall if they received accurate and adequate information about sex and healthy relationships from their own parents as a teen, the overwhelming response is: no.

It can be hard to know how to handle these conversations when you have no personal experience with your own parents or caregivers. And it can also be difficult if your own discomfort about sex is because it was ignored or not treated respectfully in your household growing up.

We asked experts how parents can best prepare to have “The Talk” with their teens:

1. Start with yourself

“I always tell parents to start with themselves,” said Rosalia Rivera, a consent educator and child sexual abuse prevention specialist in Canada. “I encourage them to reflect and journal on their own beliefs, values and ideas about sex and relationships.”

Butler said parents need to think back to their years as a teen and how topics connected to sex were addressed in their family.

“Did they feel supported or like they could ask questions openly? How did that make them feel and how would they want to change that for their teen?” Butler said. “The more we can unlearn our own shame and guilt through our experiences, the better equipped we’ll be to have these conversations with our kids.”

2. Do the research

“Parents and caregivers can prepare themselves for this conversation by first making sure the information they provide is accurate,” Evans said.

Having accurate information, as well as age-appropriate information, is crucial, and there are a number of ways you can ensure this.

Herman recommends starting with an internet search.

“A parent or caregiver can prepare themselves for this conversation by doing the ‘poking around’ on the internet that their teenager can’t do,” Herman said. “Teenagers don’t know how to sift through good information or bad information. So a parent or caregiver can hop [online] and do this for them.”

3. Find additional resources

In addition to finding accurate, age-appropriate information on the internet, there are several organizations and adolescent sexual health professionals who have resources designed specifically to help parents and caregivers talk with their teens about sex.

Sex Positive Families, for example, offers workshops on puberty and other sexuality topics. They also have an entire library of resources that can be filtered by topic, age and type.

Amaze.org is another popular organization that provides parents with the tools and evidence-informed information they need to have conversations about sex with their teens.

Additionally, there are sexuality professionals such as Herman, Rivera and Butler, or Nadine Thornhill, Ed.D., for example, who are all specialized in helping caregivers support their teens with accurate information about sex and relationships.

4. Be willing to say ‘I don’t know’

While having accurate information to share with your teen is important, you don’t need to know everything. Before you try to learn about adolescent sexual health, remember it’s OK, and fairly important to admit when you don’t have the answer.

“Be OK with not knowing the answer to their question,” Butler said. “It’s impossible to know everything and remember you didn’t get great sex ed while growing up either, so there’s a lot we don’t know.”

Herman also stressed how important this is. If your teen asks you a question you don’t know the answer to, or you’re unsure how to explain it best, she said, “It’s OK to say, ‘I don’t know but I want to find out together.'”

5. Remember, ‘The Talk’ isn’t just one talk

While many caregivers would be relieved if just one conversation about sex and healthy relationships was enough, that’s not the case. Preparing your teen to make informed, healthy and safe decisions about sexuality and relationships takes more than a single conversation.

“People like myself who specialize in adolescent sexual health education, are really trying to move away from the entire concept of having ‘The Talk’ because having one talk is going to be uncomfortable, awkward, really weird and maybe not effective depending on the relationship they have with their kid,” Herman said.

“[Your teen] might get so dysregulated that they have to check out of the conversation. And you get so uncomfortable that nothing really happens. So people like myself, who are specialized in adolescent sex education, are really encouraging parents to start conversations early, have them often, keep them brief and keep them casual.”

For example, Herman said, you can have a brief and casual conversation by noticing something on TV or in a magazine and saying “What do you think about that?”

“Maybe you see a picture on social media of somebody wearing period underwear and you ask your kids ‘Hey, do you know about period underwear?’ or ‘What do you know about periods so far?’ and you talk for five minutes and then you move on,” Herman said.

6. Understanding ‘The Talk’ isn’t solely about sex

In addition to having more than one “talk,” it’s vital to remember these conversations aren’t just about sex. Parents and caregivers often think “The Talk” means teaching your teen strictly about STDs/STIs and pregnancy.

While these topics are important, they are small elements of what it means to provide your teen with adequate and accurate information to make healthy decisions about sex and relationships.

When parents and caregivers believe conversations are limited to just STDs/STIs and pregnancy, it can make the conversation feel even more intimidating and uncomfortable.

Prepare your teen with the information they need, which includes talking about topics such as rejection, how to understand your body boundaries and communicate them, learning what safe and unsafe touch is, puberty, breakups and internet safety.

7. Learn to stay calm

Giving your teen the information they need to succeed and create safe, healthy relationships and sexual experiences isn’t just about the facts you share, it’s also about how you share them.

“The No. 1 strategy I would recommend for a parent or caregiver preparing to have this conversation is to make sure that they themselves go into the conversation calm and regulated,” Herman said. “People are very sensitive, and kids especially are really sensitive to the energy you’re putting out.

“If you’re stressed out, if you’re radiating anger or fear, or defensiveness, they’re going to pick up on that. They’re going to start responding to that even before anyone has exchanged any words. So, do what you need to do to make sure that your body and your brain and your breath are calm before you go into that conversation.”

Go for a walk, practice deep breathing or call a friend and vent, Herman recommended. Taking an honest look at your own attitudes about sexuality, as Rivera and Butler mentioned, will help with this, too.

If you enter the conversation with your own discomfort about periods because you haven’t processed how periods were talked about in your household growing up, your teen will hear that in whatever you decide to tell them.

Take the time to journal, talk to a friend, or work with a coach or therapist. The goal is to enter conversations with your teen in a way that’s not defensive or guarded. Your script should be regulated, but allow for curious teens to ask whatever questions they have.

In fact, for some parents, it can be a relief to know the most important thing isn’t always knowing the facts or having the answer, but bringing a non-judgmental and open attitude to the conversation.

While topics like sex and relationships can be an intimidating and overwhelming element of parenting, start by taking a look at the feelings that arise for you as you’re finding the resources and information you need to feel prepared.

Your teen needs accurate information about sex and an open, non-judgmental attitude in order to make informed, safe and healthy sexual decisions. You may end up enjoying how close this process allows you to become with your teen, especially as they start to share other aspects of their lives, hoping for your input.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Surviving purity culture

— How I healed a lifetime of sexual shame

By Linda Kay Klein

In the 1990s, a movement born out of the white, American, evangelical Christian church swept the globe: purity culture. They weren’t the first or only fundamentalist religion to sexually shame women & girls. But this time, the message was mainstream, almost cool: women and girls are either pure or impure, depending on their sexuality. Decades later, we’re just starting to grapple with the long-term effects of these teachings. In this deeply intimate talk, Linda Kay Klein shares how she recovered from purity culture’s toxic teaching — and how she helps others do the same.

Linda Kay Klein is the award-winning author of “Pure: Inside the Evangelical Movement that Shamed a Generation of Young Women and How I Broke Free.” She is a purity culture recovery coach and the founder and president of Break Free Together, a nonprofit serving individuals recovering from gender- and sexuality-based religious trauma. She has an interdisciplinary Master’s degree in gender, sexuality, and religion from New York University and is a trained Our Whole Lives (OWL) sexuality education facilitator. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community.

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Sexual Health Is Mental Health

— Comprehensive sex ed is key to supporting youth mental health development.

Marchers with Bans off my Body signs during the Pride March in New York City in March 2022.

BY

May is Mental Health Awareness Month—a time to share knowledge and bust stigma around mental health issues and empower our communities to take greater care of themselves and each other. As a youth sexuality educator, I have seen firsthand how comprehensive sex education that teaches young people healthy sexuality and communication, boundary-setting and consent is key to youth mental health and development.

I first got involved with Planned Parenthood as a volunteer for their Community Action team in Nashville. After working as a sex educator at Vanderbilt University, I joined Planned Parenthood’s Sex Education Training series in a state known for being difficult when it comes to amplifying sexual and reproductive health and education. After being exposed to all the possibilities that sex education can create for people, it didn’t take me long to realize that Planned Parenthood has its finger in the pulse when it comes to advancing the reproductive and sexual justice movement. I wanted to get involved in whichever capacity I could, so I asked to work with Planned Parenthood of Greater New York.

Today, I get to give workshops and interact with teenagers about interpersonal relationships, reproductive health, safe sex, STI prevention, consent and even relationship management strategies. I have gotten to see the way sexual health competency influences the mental, emotional and physical health of young people specifically. Evidence-based research shows how a better understanding of their bodies and sexuality can have profound positive effects on a young person’s mental health, but even though we have the data, there is so much work that still needs to be done.

Young people who receive comprehensive sex education are better at maintaining a balanced sexual and mental health.

In my everyday work, it’s very common for me to hear young people talk about the first time they experience jealousy, shame, excitement or even love. In those moments of openness, I can teach young people healthy strategies to respond to these very human emotions, and how their response can set healthy relationships and a safer experience for everyone.

Because age-appropriate, comprehensive sex education for our youth is not a requirement in our current education system, most teenagers—especially those in disenfranchised communities of color—still hold on to deeply troubling, outdated ideas about what is happening in their bodies. They believe that their development is not normal or shouldn’t be happening at all.

For those of us in the sex education field, it is common to have a holistic approach to our practice. In the classroom, we don’t just quiz young people on STIs. We go deeper, asking how they would feel if someone they knew was diagnosed with HIV, or how they would approach talking about a diagnosis with a partner. We explore the difficulties around discussing safe sex, and the reasons why it can make someone feel anxious or avoidant.

According to a study by the Guttmacher institute, the feeling-while-learning strategy improves confidence, teaches teenagers interpersonal relationship skills, coping strategies, to speak up when violence or abuse might be happening, how to advocate for themselves and others, how to manage problematic partnerships, and how to reduce shame, stigma and general feelings of discomfort around sex. The research shows that young people who receive comprehensive sex education are better at maintaining a balanced sexual and mental health.

By talking about sex with young people, we not only create a trust-based system that allows us to better guide them when making decisions, but we empower them with the tools and knowledge that could have life-altering outcomes for their futures. By receiving age-appropriate sex and emotional education, young people gain a wealth of knowledge, attitudes, skills and values to make healthier choices in their sexual and reproductive lives, which can help them gain an increased awareness of an already universal human experience and in exchange, have a happier life.

I’m still here today because I believe the educational work I get to do daily could have profound consequences for the betterment of all our communities. But I can’t continue to do my job the best way possible until comprehensive, age-appropriate sex education is expanded, protected and codified into law. Sexual health is mental health, and the only way we can stop the epidemic of youth self-harm and deteriorating mental health that has invaded the lives of our young people is by giving them the kind of education and resources they deserve.

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Sex? Sexual intercourse? Neither?

— Teens weigh in on evolving definitions — and habits

By JOCELYN GECKER

Situationships. “Sneaky links.” The “talking stage,” the flirtatious getting-to-know-you phase — typically done via text — that can lead to a hookup.

High school students are having less sexual intercourse. That’s what the studies say. But that doesn’t mean they’re having less sex.

The language of young love and lust, and the actions behind it, are evolving. And the shift is not being adequately captured in national studies, experts say.

For years, studies have shown a decline in the rates of American high school students having sex. That trend continued, not surprisingly, in the first years of the pandemic, according to a recent survey by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. The study found that 30% of teens in 2021 said they had ever had sex, down from 38% in 2019 and a huge drop from three decades ago, when more than half of teens reported having sex.

The Associated Press took the findings to teenagers and experts around the country to ask for their interpretation. Parents: Some of the answers may surprise you.

THE MEANING OF SEX: DEPENDS WHO YOU ASK

For starters, what is the definition of sex?

“Hmm. That’s a good question,” says Rose, 17, a junior at a New England high school.

She thought about it for 20 seconds, then listed a range of possibilities for heterosexual sex, oral sex and relations between same-sex or LGBTQ partners. On her campus, short-term hookups — known as “situationships” — are typically low commitment and high risk from both health and emotional perspectives.

There are also “sneaky links” — when you hook up in secret and don’t tell your friends. “I have a feeling a lot more people are quote unquote having sex — just not necessarily between a man and a woman.”

For teens today, the conversation about sexuality is moving from a binary situation to a spectrum and so are the kinds of sex people are having. And while the vocabulary around sex is shifting, the main question on the CDC survey has been worded the same way since the government agency began its biannual study in 1991: Have you “ever had sexual intercourse?”

“Honestly, that question is a little laughable,” says Kay, 18, who identifies as queer and attends a public high school near Lansing, Michigan. “There’s probably a lot of teenagers who are like, ‘No, I’ve never had sexual intercourse, but I’ve had other kinds of sex.’”

The AP agreed to use teenagers’ first or middle names for this article because of a common concern they expressed about backlash at school, at home and on social media for speaking about their peers’ sex lives and LGBTQ+ relations.

SEXUAL IDENTITY IS EVOLVING

Several experts say the CDC findings could signal a shift in how teen sexuality is evolving, with gender fluidity becoming more common along with a decrease in stigma about identifying as not heterosexual.

They point to another finding in this year’s study that found the proportion of high school kids who identify as heterosexual dropped to about 75%, down from about 89% in 2015, when the CDC began asking about sexual orientation. Meanwhile, the share who identified as lesbian, gay or bisexual rose to 15%, up from 8% in 2015.

“I just wonder, if youth were in the room when the questions were being created, how they would be worded differently,” said Taryn Gal, executive director of the Michigan Organization on Adolescent Sexual Health.

Sex is just one of the topics covered by the CDC study, called the Youth Risk Behavior Survey. One of the main sources of national data about high school students on a range of behaviors, it is conducted every two years and asks about 100 questions on topics including smoking, drinking, drug use, bullying, carrying guns and sex. More than 17,000 students at 152 public and private high schools across the country responded to the 2021 survey.

“It’s a fine line we have to try to walk,” says Kathleen Ethier, director of the CDC’s Division of Adolescent and School Health, which leads the study.

From a methodological standpoint, changing a question would make it harder to compare trends over time. The goal is to take a national snapshot of teenage behavior, with the understanding that questions might not capture all the nuance. “It doesn’t allow us to go as in depth in some areas as we would like,” Ethier says.

The national survey, for example, does not ask about oral sex, which carries the risk of spreading sexually transmitted infections. As for “sexual intercourse,” Ethier says, “We try to use a term that we know young people understand, realizing that it may not encompass all the ways young people would define sex.”

IS LESS TEEN SEX GOOD NEWS?

Beyond semantics, there are a multitude of theories on why the reported rates of high school sex have steadily declined — and what it might say about American society.

“I imagine some parents are rejoicing and some are concerned, and I think there is probably good cause for both,” says Sharon Hoover, co-director of the National Center for School Mental Health at the University of Maryland. Health officials like to see trends that result in fewer teen pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases.

“But what we don’t know is what this means for the trajectory of young people,” Hoover says.

This year’s decrease, the sharpest drop ever recorded, clearly had a lot to do with the pandemic, which kept kids isolated, cut off from friends and immersed in social media. Even when life started returning to normal, many kids felt uncomfortable with face-to-face interaction and found their skills in verbal communication had declined, Hoover said.

The survey was conducted in the fall of 2021, just as many K-12 students returned to in-person classrooms after a year of online school.

Several teens interviewed said that when schools reopened, they returned with intense social anxiety compounded by fears of catching COVID. That added a new layer to pre-pandemic concerns about sexual relations like getting pregnant or catching STIs.

“I remember thinking, ‘What if I get sick? What if I get a disease? What if I don’t have the people skills for this?’” said Kay, the 18-year-old from Michigan. “All those ‘what ifs’ definitely affected my personal relationships, and how I interacted with strangers or personal partners.”

Another fear is the prying eyes of parents, says college student Abby Tow, who wonders if helicopter parenting has played a role in what she calls the “baby-fication of our generation.” A senior at the University of Oklahoma, Tow knows students in college whose parents monitor their whereabouts using tracking apps.

“Parents would get push notifications when their students left dorms and returned home to dorms,” says Tow, 22, majoring in social work and gender studies.

Tow also notices a “general sense of disillusionment” in her generation. She cites statistics that fewer teenagers today are getting driver’s licenses. “I think,” she says, “there is a correlation between students being able to drive and students having sex.”

Another cause for declining sex rates could be easy access to online porn, experts say. By the age of 17, three-quarters of teenagers have viewed pornography online, with the average age of first exposure at 12, according to a report earlier this year by Common Sense Media, a nonprofit child advocacy group.

“Porn is becoming sex ed for young people,” says Justine Fonte, a New York-based sex education teacher. She says pornography shapes and skews adolescent ideas about sexual acts, power and intimacy. “You can rewind, fast forward, play as much as you want. It doesn’t require you to think about how the person is feeling.”

IS THERE AN EVOLVING DEFINITION OF CONSENT?

Several experts said they hoped the decline could be partly attributed to a broader understanding of consent and an increase in “comprehensive” sex education being taught in many schools, which has become a target in ongoing culture wars.

Unlike abstinence-only programs, the lessons include discussion on understanding healthy relationships, gender identity, sexual orientation and preventing unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections. Contrary to what critics think, she said, young people are more likely to delay the onset of sexual activity if they have access to sex education.

Some schools and organizations supplement sex education with peer counseling, where teens are trained to speak to each other about relationships and other topics that young people might feel uncomfortable raising with adults.

Annika, 14, is a peer ambassador trained by Planned Parenthood and a high school freshman in Southern California. She’s offered guidance to friends in toxic relationships and worries about the ubiquity of porn among her peers, especially male friends. It’s clear to her that the pandemic stunted sex lives.

The CDC’s 2023 survey, which is currently underway, will show if the decline was temporary. Annika suspects it will show a spike. In her school, at least, students seem to be making up for lost time.

“People lost those two years so they’re craving it more,” she said. She has often been in a school bathroom where couples in stalls next to her are engaged in sexual activities.

Again, the definition of sex? “Any sexual act,” Annika says. “And sexual intercourse is one type of act.”

To get a truly accurate reading of teen sexuality, the evolution of language needs to be taken into account, says Dr. John Santelli, a Columbia University professor who specializes in adolescent sexuality.

“The word intercourse used to have another meaning,” he points out. “Intercourse used to just mean talking.”

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Don’t say “period”

— How Florida Republicans are taking aim at basic sex education

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis answers questions from the media in the Florida Cabinet following his “State of the State” address during a joint session of the Florida Senate and House of Representatives at the state capitol in Tallahassee, Florida, on March 7, 2023.

A bill wants to restrict when students can discuss “human sexuality” at school.

By Fabiola Cineas

While many of the controversial education bills in Florida have limited how schools teach about history or gender, the latest, House Bill 1069, is turning back to a more traditional target for conservatives: sex education.

If passed, the law would require that teachers get approval for materials used in sexual health classes, which can only be taught in grades six through 12 under the law. It would also require that schools teach a specific definition of “sex” and “reproductive roles.”

The bill advanced last week at a Florida House Education Quality Subcommittee hearing — bolstered by a Republican supermajority — and is on its way to a vote on the state House floor. Ultimately, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis will likely sign it into law.

The bill joins DeSantis’s two other education initiatives — the “Don’t Say Gay” law and the Stop WOKE Act — in seeking to restrict what teachers can talk about in the classroom. And while it’s nominally about sex education, it would also reinforce those laws’ restrictions on what students learn about gender and relationships, and increase the state’s ability to restrict what students read in the school library by giving parents and community members the power to object to some materials.

During the subcommittee hearing last week, Democrats were aghast that lawmakers didn’t consider whether a topic as innocuous as menstrual cycles would be barred from discussions at school under the legislation. Rep. Ashley Viola Gantt asked Rep. Stan McClain, who proposed the legislation, whether the bill would prohibit young girls from talking about their periods in schools.

“Does this bill prohibit conversations about menstrual cycles ― because we know that typically the age is between 10 and 15 ― so if little girls experience their menstrual cycle in fifth grade or fourth grade, will that prohibit conversations from them since they are in the grade lower than sixth grade?” Gantt asked McClain during the committee hearing. McClain responded that the bill would restrict such conversations, but later said the goal of the bill is not to punish little girls.

“Teachers are a safe place. Schools are a safe place. [But teachers] can’t even talk to their students about these very real and biological things that happen to their bodies, these little girls. It wasn’t even contemplated that little girls can have their periods in third grade or fourth grade,” Gantt said in her testimony. “If we are preparing children to be informed adults, we need to inform them about their bodies and that’s something very basic.”

The bill would regulate Florida’s already disjointed sex ed landscape

Florida schools are not required to teach sex education, but are required to teach comprehensive health education. There is no statewide curriculum for sex education, which makes instruction inconsistent across the state, according to an ABC report. Plus, Florida has long touted its opt-out policy, which allows parents to remove their children from instruction on reproductive health.

Critics of the bill fear that it will push the state away from embracing comprehensive sex education, which advocates say is necessary. A 2019 CDC youth risk behavior study found that more than half of Florida’s 12th graders had already had sexual intercourse; of those who were sexually active, half of them did not use a condom during their last sexual encounter.

The bill is also another avenue for DeSantis and his allies to enforce conservative beliefs about sex and gender. According to the bill, “sex” is either female or male “based on the organization of the body of such person for a specific reproductive role.” One’s reproductive role and sex are determined by their “sex chromosomes, naturally occurring sex hormones, and internal and external genitalia present at birth.”

This law goes further than other proposed legislation that would require teachers to use pronouns that correspond with a student’s gender assigned at birth, which opponents of the proposal have argued is an attack on trans students and faculty members.

In building on earlier book restrictions already in effect in various parts of the state, the law would require that materials used to teach about reproductive health or sexually transmitted diseases be approved by the state education department. The bill does not detail what the approval process would entail. Teachers subject to book bans in certain districts, including the Duval County school district, have already described the process as time consuming and shrouded in mystery.

>Sex ed, health, and science classes that teach about HIV/AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases can only discuss human sexuality in grades six through 12. And the courses must abide by the idea that “biological males impregnate biological females by fertilizing the female egg with male sperm; that the female then gestates the offspring.” Under the law, these reproductive roles are “binary, stable, and unchangeable” — a statement that refuses to admit the existence of trans and nonbinary people.

Democrats also noted that limiting certain discussions to middle school and higher grade levels could be harmful to younger students.

“Imagine a little girl in fourth grade going to the bathroom and finding blood in her panties and thinking that she is dying. This is a reality for little girls in school. They can be in foster care. They could have parents who just work a lot because wages are stagnant and the price of living continues to grow,” Gantt said. “She doesn’t actually know what’s going on. And her teacher doesn’t have the ability to tell her that this is a part of life because she’s in the fourth grade.”

The law doubles down on abstinence education, which the state has long promoted, despite evidence that abstinence-only education does not lower adolescent birth rates. According to the law, teaching abstinence from sexual activity is a “certain way to avoid out-of-wedlock pregnancy.” The law emphasizes that teachers must teach the benefits of monogamous heterosexual marriage. The bill says teachers must teach material that is grade and age appropriate for students but does not offer additional details.

Relatedly, as DeSantis prepares his expected presidential run, his administration is moving to expand its “Don’t Say Gay” law, which took effect in 2022. It bars grades K-3 teachers from teaching about gender identity and sexual orientation, and a proposed State Board of Education rule, which comes up for a vote in April and doesn’t require legislative approval, would expand the restriction to grades four to 12.

The bans keep coming

DeSantis has said his education legislation empowers parents, giving them greater latitude to monitor what happens in classrooms. This bill carries this effort forward, though advocates have said such laws allow parental overreach and take power away from teachers who are experts.

The proposed legislation tasks district school boards with choosing course content and instructional materials used in classrooms. This means that boards have the power to control what’s available in school and classroom libraries and classroom reading lists. They’re also tasked with developing guidelines for how parents can object to what’s being taught and make it easier for them to do so.

The same provision even empowers “a resident of the county” to submit objections. Content can be objected to for a variety of reasons under the law, including if it depicts sexual content, is “not suited to student needs,” or is inappropriate for a student’s grade level or age group.

As with other Florida legislation, if certain material is objected to it must be removed from a classroom within five school days from when the objection was filed and cannot return to the school until the objection is investigated and resolved. If a school district finds an objection to be valid under the law, teachers must discontinue its use.

The bill also opens up avenues for parents to contest a school board’s decision to adopt certain course materials via petition. School districts are to consider petitions during hearings and make a determination. If a parent disagrees with a district’s decision, the law gives them the power to request that the commissioner of education appoint a special magistrate to issue a recommendation for how to resolve the dispute.

These allowances build on legislation that Florida passed last year that limits the kinds of materials that schools can carry in their libraries.

Republicans have argued that these bills do not constitute book bans, but activists say that’s exactly what they are.

“This is a ban because the language in the bill says this information will be removed completely. What if a parent says I don’t want my child to ever be exposed to slavery and that part of our history?” Gantt asked during her testimony. “There are so many ways we can keep children safe and informed and have these conversations.”

If signed by DeSantis, the law would take effect July 1, 2023.

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Porn Teaches Teens, Especially Guys, How To Have Sex

— New Evidence And Long-Term Risks

By Shaun Harper

Most American teenagers across genders have consumed pornography, according to a new report from Common Sense, a nonprofit organization that aims to improve the impact of media and technology on kids and families. Common Sense partnered with Benenson Strategy Group to administer a survey to teens ages 13 to 17. Of the 1,358 people who responded, nearly three-fourths said they’d either accidentally or intentionally encountered online pornography. Most had recently done so.

Teens aren’t simply watching porn to satisfy their curiosities or as a stimulant for self-pleasure. Seventy-nine percent of survey respondents who’d consumed porn said doing so taught them how to have sex. Just over half had consumed content that depicted actors choking, assaulting, or otherwise inflicting pain on co-stars. Researchers have long contended that what porn watchers see in films oftentimes shapes their current and future sexual expectations and behaviors. Men, women, and genderqueer people can be harmed by this, including those who themselves aren’t porn consumers but are in relationships with partners who are or have been.

“Exposure to pornography at too young an age can lead to poor mental health, sexual violence, and other negative outcomes,” notes Jim Steyer, Founder and CEO of Common Sense. “The overexposure by teens identified in our report can normalize unhealthy views and behaviors about sex and sexual relationships that we don’t want young people to think are commonplace. In addition, with so much exposure to violent pornographic material, a major concern is how this might impact the sensitivity levels of teens to other types of violence.” Teens across all genders are susceptible to these negative outcomes, but prior research shows the risks are more pronounced among young men.

Exposure and consumption rates presented in the Common Sense report varied by gender. Boys comprised 48% of the respondents, girls were 46%, and the remaining 6% were genderqueer. Despite the fairly even number of cisgender teens in the sample, there were differences on a survey question about intentionality. Fifty-two percent of boys said they’d intentionally watched porn, compared to just 36% of girls. In some ways, this is neither new nor unexpected. Think back to pre-internet times… teenage boys were considerably more likely than were girls to have pornographic magazines hidden beneath their mattresses.

Even though the Common Sense report is focused on teens, the consumption differences among cisgender respondents presented therein are consistent with other research that is inclusive of teens and adults. In a 2022 study published in Sexuality Research and Social Policy, a peer-reviewed academic journal, researchers found that more than 97% of boys and young men had consumed pornography, compared to approximately 77% of girls and young women.

San Diego State University Professor Frank Harris III is one of the most respected and highly-cited experts on college men and masculinities. “A consequence of porn consumption among teenage boys is their tendency to pursue inequitable and oppressive sexual relationships during their young adult years,” he says. “For example, some young men may seek to assert themselves as men in sexual relationships by mimicking the aggressive or violent sexual acts that are often depicted in pornography.” Harris and other researchers also acknowledge that porn consumption can result in some young men objectifying and engaging in abusive emotional, verbal, and physical interactions with their partners. This includes, but isn’t limited to heterosexual men’s relationships with women.

In addition to discovering higher consumption rates among boys, there were also sexual orientation and racial differences in the Common Sense survey. Just over 74% of respondents identified as heterosexual; seven out of 10 said they’d been exposed to porn. Among LGBTQ+ teens in the sample, it was 89%. In addition, 69% of Black teens who’d watched porn indicated they’d viewed films that portrayed their racial group in stereotypical ways. It was 61% among Latino survey respondents.

The Common Sense report doesn’t offer a three-way intersectional analysis of the survey results by gender, sexual orientation, and race. I’ve watched 150 pornographic films on a website that has thousands of videos showing men having sex with men. Obviously, I did so entirely for research purposes. Obviously. These videos did not involve boys, teens, or any men who appeared to be under the age of 18. I did an analysis of these videos by race. Specifically, I watched 50 videos in each of these three racial groupings: white men having sex with white men; Black men having sex with Black men; and Black men having sex with white men.

One set of findings from my analysis are particularly relevant to the Common Sense report. Films with white guys having sex with each other often had plots and story lines; the actors talked to each other more often before and during sex; and there was more intimacy between partners (emotional gazing in each other’s eyes, gentle caressing, kissing, etc.). Videos involving Black men had less of this – even less so when the videos included only Black men. Undoubtedly, some women and heterosexual men have either accidentally or intentionally watched gay porn. But queer guys are the overwhelming consumers of this specific genre. These production differences teach powerful, unfortunate, and oftentimes racist lessons to consumers. The Common Sense report confirms that queer teens are among these consumers.

“The ways in which dominant male partners appear in pornography – usually with impeccably fit bodies and well-endowed penises, along with the ability to simultaneously please multiple partners and perform sex for long periods of time without climaxing – are unrealistic,” Harris adds. “This may lead some young men to develop negative perceptions of themselves as sexual partners if they cannot meet these expectations.”

The Common Sense report concludes with three recommendations. The first is to resist the presumption that teens will avoid porn, especially since so many of them accidentally encounter it online. Instead, the report suggests parents and family members should talk with teens about porn, regardless of how awkward those conversations are. The report authors also advocate for age-appropriate sex education curriculum that includes learning about porn, as well as stricter legislation to protect kids from accessing online sexual content.

Because its profits are so massive, I believe that as an act of corporate social responsibility, the porn industry ought to invest a portion of its billions into organizations that seek to eradicate violence against women and LGBTQ+ persons. There is also a role for porn production companies in helping men become considerably more mindful of the dangers associated with internalizing or attempting to reenact what they see in porn.

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28 Republicans Vote Against Bill to Protect Child Sex Abuse Victims

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The bipartisan Respect for Child Survivors Act, a law that would aid victims of child sex abuse and their families, just passed the House in a 385-28 vote.

All 28 votes against the bill came from Republicans.

The bill would require the FBI to form multi-disciplinary teams to aid sex abuse victims and their families in order to prevent re-traumatization from investigation and any cases from being dropped. These teams would include “investigative personnel, mental health professionals, medical personnel, family advocacy workers, child advocacy workers, and prosecutors,” Newsweek reported.

U.S. Senators John Cornyn (R-TX), Chris Coons (D-DE), Lindsey Graham (R-SC), and Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) introduced the legislation.

“I applaud Senator Cornyn’s leadership on this issue to correct an egregious wrong committed by certain FBI agents regarding their treatment of victims of sexual abuse,” said Sen. Graham. “Requiring the FBI to use appropriate, tried and true methods to interview child victims will help ensure the FBI’s failure in the Nassar case doesn’t happen again. This legislation will make it clear that we expect better.”

However, not all Republicans expect better from the FBI, it seems.

The bill was opposed by the following GOP Representatives: Andy Biggs and Paul Gosar (Ariz.); Dan Bishop and Virginia Foxx (NC); Lauren Boebert (Colo.), Mo Brooks and Barry Moore (Ala.); Louie Gohmert, Ronny Jackson, Troy Nehls, Chip Roy, and Michael Cloud (Texas); Andrew Clyde, Jody Hice, Austin Scott, and Marjorie Taylor Greene (Ga.); James Comer and Thomas Massie (Ky.); Rick Crawford (Ark.); Byron Donalds and John Rutherford (Fla.); Bob Good (Va.), Clay Higgins (La.), Tom McClintock (Calif.), Ralph Norman (SC), Scott Perry (Pa.), Matt Rosendale (Mont.), and Jeff Van Drew (NJ).

Despite this, the bill is supported by the Rape Abuse & Incest National Network, the National District Attorneys Association, Army of Survivors, the National Children’s Alliance, Keep Kids Safe, Together for Girls, Darkness to Light, the Monique Burr Foundation for Children, the Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests (SNAP), and the Brave Movement.

It is also expected to pass the Senate.

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When children ask about race and sex, we have no choice but to answer

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These days, we are involved in a great debate about whether and when we should teach kids about race, gender and sex in our schools.

But here’s the thing: There is no way for teachers to avoid teaching about race and sexuality, even in early grades. The only question is how we do it. To illustrate, let me share a story.

When my daughter was 2, we were visiting my mother in Southern California. We went to the supermarket. My daughter rode in the cart as I pushed through the store collecting items. As we worked our way through the produce section, passing along the lettuces and greens, another Black American woman was shopping just ahead of me. She was a middle-aged woman, dressed simply and sensibly, going about her business in an altogether ordinary way. My daughter watched her, and then looked up at me and said, “Mommy, I think it’s not good to be Black.”

What did I say in the moment? I don’t exactly remember. But probably something like, “Black is beautiful, my love. That woman is beautiful.”

My daughter was a precocious talker, yes. She talked early, though she didn’t talk often. She has always been a quiet and hyperobservant child. One preschool teacher said, “Still waters run deep.” When she had things to say, she said them in complete sentences. And though I think she was 2, she might have been 3 or maybe 3½. It doesn’t really matter. The point is that children learn from the world, and the world provokes questions — and when children ask their questions, their elders teach back.

My daughter’s statement was a question. Its subtext went like this: “I’ve noticed something, Mommy. It seems like it’s not good to Black. But can that be right? You’re Black. I love you. How can these things fit together? And what does this mean for me?” In that moment, I needed to teach my daughter that it is good to be Black. I also needed to teach her that she was accurately observing something about the world — that Blackness is stigmatized. And I needed to give her the capacity to set the stigma apart from the reality.

When I was 7, my father had me read “Uncle Tom’s Cabin.” To many, “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” caricatures Black experience. For my father, it provides a clear statement about the moral agency and equality of Black people — a permanent and visible fact, even in the midst of stigma. In having me read that very long book, he was teaching me.

I was a precocious reader.

But that doesn’t really matter to the story, either. What I can assure you of is that even before any of our kids, of any racial or ethnic background, get to school, every Black family in the United States is having to teach its children about race and the history of enslavement and stories of overcoming that have played out generation after generation. The same must be true for kids raised in LGBTQ families, with regard to the history and contemporary experience of gender and sexuality. I’m sure every family is doing the teaching differently. Some talking, some reading. Some looking at pictures. Some singing songs. But all are teaching.

This means that the only way you can keep knowledge and questions about these histories, experiences and perspectives out of the school curriculum in early grades is to keep Black people or members of LGBTQ families out of schools.

To recognize that fundamental fact is as if to hear a ghost whisper a revelation from a deep and ugly past. The wandering and cold-breathed ghost whispers that our old history of segregation — our now legally abandoned practices — was at some deep and existential level simply a way of evading the truth. The truth of our history and how it has been marred by racial domination. The truth of our present and our continued struggles with race. The truth of our moral responsibility to one another as human beings facing a future together.

To say it again, there is no way for teachers to avoid teaching about race and sexuality. We cannot legislate against children’s questions.

Out of charity, I will assume that the various efforts by state legislators to control when and how teachers engage with these subjects comes from an effort to open a discussion not of whether to teach in response to the questions children have but rather about how to do this. This is a profoundly important topic. And I would agree that some ways are better than others. But I hope we can take this issue of how to teach the histories and presents of race and enslavement, of gender and sexuality, out of the political maelstrom and turn them into a real conversation about how to raise healthy, loving, responsible children with a strong sense of self-confidence, purpose and charity for others in their hearts.

We grown-ups don’t get to decide whether we teach about race, gender and sexuality.

Living in our world as they do, our children have already determined that we will so teach.

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France to Make Condoms Free for Young People

— The new policy, which will take effect in January, is part of an effort to counter an increase in sexually transmitted diseases in recent years.

French health authorities say that sexually transmitted infections have been on the rise as a result of a decline in the use of prevention methods.

By Constant Méheut

France will begin offering free condoms in pharmacies for people up to age 25 starting Jan. 1, in a bid to reduce the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, President Emmanuel Macron said on Friday.

“It’s a small revolution for prevention,” Mr. Macron said as he announced the news in a video message posted on Twitter.

The move comes as health authorities have observed an increase in sexually transmitted infections, such as chlamydia and gonorrhea, in recent years. But it is also part of a broader public health campaign that has led France to expand free access to contraception and screening for sexually transmitted diseases.

Mr. Macron said that “regarding sexual health” of young people, “we have a real issue,” according to reports from French news outlets present at the debate. And he acknowledged that, when it comes to sex education, “We’re not good on this topic.”

The French president had initially announced on Thursday, during a health debate with young people, that the measure would only apply to people ages 18 to 25. But on Friday — after several people and activists called him out on the fact that minors, too, were at risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases — Mr. Macron announced that he was extending the policy to underage people.

“Let’s do it!” Mr. Macron, who by the evening had traveled to Alicante, Spain, for a European summit, said in the video message.

Since 2018, people have been able to get the cost of condoms reimbursed by the national health system if they were purchased in a pharmacy with a prescription. But the measure is not well known to young French people. And more than a quarter of them say they “never” or “not always” use condoms during sexual intercourse with a new partner, according to a study released last year by HEYME, a student health insurance company.

“Condom use is very low, especially among young people,” said Catherine Fohet, a gynecologist and top member of the National Federation of Institutes of Medical Gynecology. She said the price of condoms can be prohibitive but also pointed to their “bad image” as devices that reduce tactile sensation.

French health authorities say that sexually transmitted infections, or S.T.I.s, have been on the rise in recent years, especially among young people, as a result of a decline in the use of prevention methods.

Recently released figures show that the number of people infected with chlamydia rose last year by 15 percent compared with 2020, and more than doubled compared with 2014, based on data from screenings at private health centers.

Meanwhile, gonorrhea infections have been growing since 2016, and H.I.V. infections, which condom use had helped curb in the 1980s and 1990s, have stagnated around 5,000 from 2020 to 2021.

“There’s an explosion of S.T.I.s,” said Jérôme André, the director of HF Prévention, an association that organizes screenings among university students. He added that in some universities of the Paris region, the rate of S.T.I.s reached 40 to 60 percent of those tested.

“We end up testing tons of people who should not be infected,” Mr. André said.

Mr. Macron said in a message posted on Twitter following his announcement that other health measures would be implemented as part of a recently passed health care law. They include free emergency contraception for all women in pharmacies and free testing for sexually transmitted infections without a prescription, except H.I.V., for people under 26.

Ms. Fohet welcomed Thursday’s announcement, but she said free condoms “won’t solve everything.” She added that “education and information” were key to convincing people to use protection during sexual intercourse.

Mr. Macron acknowledged on Thursday that France needed “to train our teachers much better on this topic, we need to raise awareness.”

Earlier this year, the French government made contraception free for all women up to age 25. The move was welcomed by the country’s National Council of the Order of Midwives, which said in a statement that it should be accompanied by better sexual education for all teenagers ages 15 to 18.

“Handing out condoms is good,” Mr. André said. “But when people are already infected, it’s too late.”

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10 tips to support a kid exploring their gender identity

Experts aren’t exactly sure how gender identity develops but think it could include factors like genes and prenatal hormones.

by Alexandra Catherine Lee

  • Gender identity isn’t a choice — accepting your kid’s gender is the first step to supporting them.
  • You can also support your kid by using the right pronouns and making your home a safe space. 
  • New clothes, hairstyles, and room decor may also help your kid feel more comfortable as themselves.

It’s natural for kids to explore their identity and sense of self as they grow up. But a child just beginning to question their gender identity may feel alone, uncertain, and scared, especially if they don’t know how you’ll respond.

Transgender and gender non-conforming youth — or kids with a gender identity different from the sex assigned at birth — face plenty of obstacles that can cause emotional distress, including bullying and discrimination, isolation, and a lack of social support.

But evidence overwhelmingly suggests parental support can boost self-esteem, quality of life, and mental health for trans kids — and, most importantly, reduce their risk of suicide.

In short, if your kid knows you have their back, that you’ll love and support them no matter what, this can boost their resilience and help them thrive in the world at large.

Of course, you might feel wholeheartedly committed to accepting and embracing your child unconditionally but have no idea where to start — especially if you haven’t spent much time considering gender yourself.

Below, experts who specialize in gender identity and supporting LGBTQIA+ people share 10 important tips on how to support your child as they begin to discover who they truly are.

1. Read up on gender identity

Experts have a number of theories about how gender identity develops, including genes and prenatal hormones, but no single answer yet, according to Dr. Laura Erickson-Schroth, a psychiatrist and specialist in LGBTQIA+ mental health at The Jed Foundation.

They do know, however, that it’s not a choice, a mental health condition, or a sign of anything “wrong” with your child.

Kids begin to develop an understanding of gender between the ages of 18 and 24 months. In other words, they begin to get curious about patterns that help them understand gender.

For instance, boys may lean toward cars and trains, while girls may play with dolls and stuffed animals — especially when parents and siblings encourage these gender norms.

Around the ages of 6 to 8, kids start to become aware of the differences between their gender identity and biological sex.

“Those feelings on gender become more flexible and fluid with regards to likes and preferences,” says Alex Greenwald, a therapist at Empower your Mind Therapy.

So, if your child was assigned male at birth but wants to wear princess dresses and play with dolls at the age of 3, they may simply be trying out something new, or copying a friend or sibling.

But if your school-aged child prefers girls’ clothes and begins to use a female name, you may want to start a conversation about gender identity. You might, for instance:

  • Ask what they know about gender
  • Establish that sex and gender are two different concepts
  • Ask what their gender is
  • Avoid offering your own opinion on their gender or guiding them toward gender norms

2. Foster gender neutrality at home

Evidence suggests gender stereotypes — pink and dance class for girls, blue and soccer practice for boys, for instance — can limit your child’s development and even lead them to hide their true interests.

What’s more, two researchers who studied more than 100 children’s toys found that neutral and moderately gendered toys, like crayons, Play-Doh, blocks, and microscopes, were the most likely to promote healthy physical and cognitive development.

Instead of suggesting your kid should play with specific toys or wear certain clothes, Greenwald recommends creating a gender-neutral environment that avoids stereotypes. This means letting them play with whatever toys they like and wear the clothes they prefer — without making comments or criticizing their choices.

3. Establish a safe space for your child

Making your home a safe space can pave the way for open communication within your family, as kids who feel safe are more likely to talk to you honestly and believe you’ll listen without judgment.

Paying attention to your language can make a big difference here. So, you’ll want to steer clear of making comments like “That’s gay,” or “It’s just a phase,” according to Greenwald.

“Rather, encourage their gender exploration. This lets them know you’re there for them and that you support their developing identity,” Greenwald says.

You can affirm and encourage your child by:

  • Listening to how they’re feeling — without questioning their experiences.
  • Asking them what you can do to support them.
  • Making sure they know your family accepts all gender identities and sexual orientations.
  • Waiting until they come to you instead of pushing them to talk before they feel ready.

4. Know you can’t change their gender

The American Psychiatric Association and many other organizations have expressed strong disapproval for conversion therapy.

These harmful practices aim to “repair” gender identity — but not only do they not change gender, they can also cause lasting, major consequences, such as:

  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Substance use disorders
  • Thoughts of suicide
  • Damaged family relationships

“Do not push your child to speak to religious leaders (or anyone) who has a fixed mindset about gender. Do not send your child to a camp to ‘change’ them,” says Bethany Cook, a clinical psychologist at Center on Halsted.

Trying to change your child sends the message there’s something wrong with them that needs to be fixed before you can fully love or accept them.

5. Use the correct pronouns

Your child may choose a different name and pronoun that better suits their gender.

“Parents should ask, ‘How would you like me to refer to you?’ or ‘What pronouns would you like me to use?’,” says Robert L. Johnson, counselor and director at The Dorm DC.

Just keep in mind it’s important to check with your kid before using these pronouns around extended family, friends, and other people in your life, according to Johnson.

Using the correct pronouns shows you respect your kid and acknowledge their identity — and research suggests trans youth feel both affirmed and validated when their parents use the correct pronouns and their chosen name.

A few more helpful tips:

  • Practice using the right pronouns even if they’re not around.
  • If you happen to misgender them, avoid making excuses or saying things like, “Oh, it’s just so hard to remember” or “You’ll always be my baby girl” or “I just can’t see you as a boy.” Simply apologize and correct yourself with the right pronoun.
  • Avoid over-apologizing, since this can make them feel uncomfortable and draw unwanted attention in public areas.
  • If someone else corrects you, avoid getting defensive. Instead, just thank them and then repeat yourself with the correct pronoun.

6. Examine your gender biases

Before talking to a child or teen questioning their gender, it may be worth taking some time to reflect on the gender stereotypes in your social circle.

Stereotypes set a “standard” your child may feel pressured to achieve, which can make it harder for them to show their authentic self.

For example:

  • Expecting boys to be aggressive and tough may prevent them from expressing their emotions.
  • Expecting girls to be feminine and graceful may discourage them from displaying their strength or participating in sports.

Paying attention to the words you and others assign to describe stereotypical gender roles, like “manly,” “tough,” “weak,” or “gentle” can help you:  

  • Dig deeper into unconscious biases, like the idea that girls should be quiet and calm
  • Avoid making assumptions about gender
  • Broaden your understanding about your child’s gender, and gender identity in general

7. Support self-expression

Gender exploration gives your kid a chance to experiment with what makes them feel comfortable.

Trying out new colors and styles, for example, can help them get a sense of their likes and dislikes as they begin to establish their identity. 

You can support them by:

  • Taking them shopping: “Go shopping with them and let them have fun in the dressing room with you trying on whatever they want to,” Cook suggests. 
  • Helping them change up their style: “Ask them if they’d like a haircut. Sometimes a haircut or different style can help in the exploration process,” Cook says.
  • Offer a room makeover: You can also offer to help them change their room decoration, or switch up accessories like lamps and curtains by letting them buy new items that more accurately represent their gender.

8. Expose them to LGBTQIA+ representation

Positive LGBTQIA+ representation in the media can help your kid find a character they identify with, which may:

  • Validate their experiences
  • Foster confidence
  • Help them realize they belong in society

“Talk openly about TV shows and movies that depict LGBTQIA+ characters. Bring up political and social issues affecting people from different backgrounds, including LGBTQIA+ people,” Erickson-Schroth recommends.

Just keep in mind that a well-represented LGBTQIA+ narrative will avoid tokenization, which happens when a show features LGBTQIA+ characters, like a gay best friend, simply for diversity without fleshing out the character adequately.

Tokenization can do more harm than good when it reinforces negative stereotypes or portrays LGBTQIA+ characters in a negative light.

Real representation, however, embraces a character’s complexity.

A few shows to try with your kid or teen:

  • She-Ra and the Princesses of Power
  • The Owl House
  • I Am Jazz
  • Star Trek: Prodigy
  • Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts
  • First Day

9. Connect them to support groups

If your child wants to meet more LGBTQIA+ peers, they might find it helpful to join a youth group.

Erickson-Schroth says you can start by:

  • Searching for groups in your city
  • Trying an online group if you can’t find a local in-person option
  • Consider a summer camp for LGBTQIA+ youth
  • Ask a therapist or school guidance counselor for a referral

1o. Help them find a supportive mental health professional

You may not feel able to answer every question your child has — but that’s OK.

A therapist who specializes in gender and identity can provide affirmation and space for exploration, along with support helping you and your child prepare for their future, Erickson-Schroth says.

If your child seems reluctant to try therapy, it may help to explain some of the benefits of working with a therapist. For instance, a therapist can:

  • Offer support for mental health symptoms like anxiety or depression.
  • Help your child process their experiences and explore any changes they’d like to make to express their gender.
  • Offer support with finding gender-affirming care if your child chooses to begin social or medical transition.

Helpful resources for finding gender-affirming therapists and organizations include:

Insider’s takeaway

As your child begins to explore their gender identity, celebrating them as they are and nurturing them with unconditional love and support can do a lot of good — both for their well-being and your relationship.

Don’t hesitate to seek out helpful resources and connect with other parents for more support. Keep in mind, too, that a therapist can offer more guidance with knowing what to say and processing your own feelings.

“Loving and supporting your child doesn’t mean you can’t grieve any losses you may feel about the change. Just be aware that this is a process for you, not for your child to guide you through,” Cook says.

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The Future of Sex Ed Is the Internet

Many schools have given up on crafting inclusive and informative sex education. These websites and activists are filling in the gaps.

by Nancy Jainchill

Compared to a few decades ago, young people have surprisingly less access to high-quality, informative sex education. Typically, human sexuality programs have been the responsibility of middle or high schools, but like many things, sex is political, and sex education has been prey to the influences of religious dicta, fundamentalist morals, and a family values agenda. As a result, STIs have been at an all-time high for each of the past six years, including among older adults, who are often ignored because people presume they are sexually inactive (they’re not). But thanks to the internet, sex education is enjoying a comeback, and it’s not just for teenagers or young kids, but seniors as well.

Although the majority of Americans support sex education, schools have been remiss in providing comprehensive, evidence-based curricula. Florida’s recently enacted “Don’t Say Gay” law denies students in earlier grades the chance to learn about gender identity and sexual orientation. And comprehensive sex education curricula have been under attack for prematurely sexualizing children, what’s called “grooming”—an unsubstantiated claim that sex ed “grooms” youths to be sexual victims.

Furthermore, a recent report from the Guttmacher Institute, a nonprofit that advocates for sexual health and reproductive rights, indicates that only 25 states require both sex education and HIV education, or instruction that is age appropriate. And just 17 states mandate the course content be medically accurate, which could have particular consequences for those whose sexual orientation and gender identity don’t adhere to heteronormative definitions. Nationally, at least 30 pieces of legislation aim to exclude LGBTQ+ representation. According to Guttmacher, “just say no” and abstinence-only messaging still dominate curricula, with nearly twice as many states providing information only on abstinence, as compared to condoms and other contraception. “Just say no” education isn’t realistic, and simplifies—even sidesteps—the issue of consent, which is about a lot more than yes or no, and a topic only 11 states have as part of their syllabus.

When offered, comprehensive sex ed works. Aside from reducing unwanted pregnancies and STIs, domestic violence decreases, as does homophobic bullying and child sex abuse. That’s where a number of sex educators and websites step in to fill the gap, especially important now in a post-Roe America. Here are a few resources worth checking out.

Scarleteen

Scarleteen was founded in 1998 by Heather Corinna, who still serves as its director. The site offers articles, fact sheets, resource lists, and more, all written by adult, almost-adult, and teen educators, and the content aligns with suggested guidelines for comprehensive sex education for adolescents by SIECUS, UNESCO, the US Centers for Disease Control’s National Health Education Standards, and the UK National Health Service’s Sex and Relationships Education. They also meet the new American School Health Association’s National Sexuality Education Standards. Message boards are staffed with experts and volunteers to answer user questions, for emotional support, and to engage in safe, respectful, peer-to-peer discussion. The site also offers referrals to other sexual and reproductive healthcare services, such as STI testing, prenatal or abortion care, mental health care, LGBTQIA+ support, and more.

Sex, Etc.

Sex, Etc. began as a print newsletter in 1994 and launched on the web on Valentine’s Day 1999. The content comes directly from young adults looking to fill in the gaps in their own knowledge and share what they’ve learned. In keeping with that theme, writers for the site are allowed to contribute to Sex, Etc. only until they’re 20 years old. “Nothing about them, without them,” is how Tazmine Weisgerber, who provides sex education and training for Sex, Etc., describes the site. “The national and international conversations are what our teens are talking about,” she says. “Awareness of LGBTQ+ rights and reproductive justice” are all topics of interest to the site’s visitors, she explained.

To ensure accuracy, student staff participate in a three-day training with professionals, as well as an orientation and monthly meetings. They then work with the site’s editorial content developer, Erica Pass, who guides them through pitching a story to getting it ready to publish. Vivian Welch, now a freshman at the University of Arizona, has written extensively for Sex, Etc., and says one of her favorite pieces she wrote was on sensuality. “Of all the areas that encompass sex education, one thing that people never want to talk about is sensuality, the actual pleasure aspect of sex education. They try to limit it to scare you out of having sex. Which is not the goal. The goal is to give people the proper ways to stay safe. And not just physically safe, but also emotionally safe.”

Looking to the future, Pass says they plan to produce more videos, more TikToks, and more Instagram Reels, because that’s where teens are. “I think that what’s great about Sex, Etc. is that it’s written by teens, for teens,” Welch says. “Sex education is not a way to seduce teens into having a bunch of sex … sex education is a good thing. It’s not here to scare anyone.”

AMAZE

AMAZE is a site that produces educational videos on difficult sex and reproductive health topics. The site launched in 2016, and Rachael Gibson, a psychologist and sex educator, is the site’s senior project manager. “We’ve been expanding globally,” Gibson says. “We have over 200 videos translated into different languages. We have videos specific to different countries and their needs, so our global partnerships are very important to us. And here domestically, a grand vision in a perfect world is that AMAZE is used in all schools and that all young people have comprehensive, inclusive sex ed.”

AMAZE videos are one- to three-minute-long videos based on questions the team has gotten from viewers through their YouTube channel and social media platforms, especially Instagram and TikTok. “Our puberty videos are some of our top videos,” Gibson continues. “There are a lot of questions about gender identity, what it means to go through puberty as a transgender or nonbinary or gender-nonconforming person. This is one of the biggest changes.” While the audience is largely young people, the website is used by a growing audience of parents, caregivers, and medical professionals. And in response to legislation like Florida’s “Don’t Say Gay” bill, the platform is experimenting with geotargeting its videos. “We know the kids are going to be going for the info, but we want them to get the stuff that is medically accurate, inclusive, and scientifically informed,” Gibson says.

Pornography As an Educational Tool

Traditionally, most people don’t consider pornography a source of reliable sex education; its typical purpose is to titillate rather than educate. However, there are individuals in the adult entertainment industry who have—and continue to—play a significant role in modeling a paradigm for diversity, acceptance, and ethical sex. Erika Lust, a director and producer of art-house adult films, is cofounder of The Porn Conversation, a website designed to help inform families and educators about sex. “Porn is an industry, and as a media, is sending out messages to adults, but also to all these young people who are using porn as information,” she says. By the age of 12, Lust explains, most kids have seen some form of porn, because they’re naturally looking out for it. “Even if porn never was supposed to be sex education, it has become sex education. There’s a risk just leaving them to watch it,” Lust explains. “It’s so important to have this conversation.” Lust works with other sex educators and researchers, youth organizations, and universities to counter the hypersexualized messages delivered by so much porn—messages that are racist, aggressive toward women, and reflect unrealistic body types.

But Lust’s curriculum isn’t just for young people. She provides information for parents to learn about sex themselves because often they didn’t have access to sex education when they were younger. Lust also directed a movie called Soul Sex, a documentary featuring sex educators Annie Campbell and her husband, John Campbell, where they discuss and demonstrate their approach to pleasure and lovemaking at any age. The Campbells extend their efforts on their website, where they offer coaching sessions and webinars aimed to help couples embrace their sexuality.

Other educators are also targeting older adults, particularly seniors, with educational videos designed for their needs. Jessica Drake is an adult actor and sex educator who, with her series, the Guide to Wicked Sex, directs adult-oriented how-to videos. Joan Price, an author and sex educator, teamed up with Drake to produce a Guide to Wicked Sex aimed specifically at seniors. The film is educational and explicit—Price’s informational segments are demonstrated by two senior couples. As Price told me, “Sex may change as we age, but sex has no expiration date.”

Regardless of your age, evidence-based and high-quality sex education is becoming harder and harder to find offline. As a result, the internet has become a primary resource for inclusive sex education for young and old alike. Information that deals with the essentials—our biology and how it works, and the social, psychological, and behavioral facets of sexual experiences—is readily available. As with anything else, the rest is up to us to be smart consumers and to defend free access to such information.

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How To Teach Girls What A Healthy Relationship Looks Like, Early On

by Kimberly Wolf, M.Ed.

Love is one of the highest-impact subjects you can teach. Fortunately, it’s also one of the easiest to broach.

If you’re tempted to open up a discussion of romantic relationships with “no dating until you’re 30!” you wouldn’t be alone or entirely misguided. Throughout history, conventional wisdom held that fathers should teach their daughters about the perils of love, stop their potential ravishers at the door, and avenge their heartbreaks.

While your role has evolved, and dad jokes about scaring dates away are far past their prime, there are some real dangers you want to address. Identifying these risks can help your daughter recognize any potentially harmful patterns in her relationships and help her avoid or address them early on:

The risks of romantic relationships:

  • Loss of personal identity. Girls can become so wrapped up in their romantic relationships that they get distracted from schoolwork, let their friendships slip, and devote less focus to their own passions.
  • Emotional distress. Fights, disappointment, and heartbreak can send girls spiraling.
  • Risky sexual behavior. If girls’ relationships become intimate, there is the chance for risky sexual behavior to occur. Girls need to be educated about sexual health.
  • Dating violence. Dating violence, including sexual misconduct, is a matter of international concern.

The building blocks of healthy relationships.

Some of these building blocks may seem obvious, but you can’t take for granted that your daughter will figure them out easily. Telling her the basics can make a positive difference, saving her time and limiting confusion and heartache. Here are some characteristics of good relationships:

  • Partners feel happy and content in the relationship most of the time.
  • There are strong feelings of psychological safety and joy and low levels of drama and jealousy.
  • Partners feel accepted. They don’t feel pressured to change their appearance, values, hobbies, or other personal characteristics.
  • Partners maintain their personal identities and activities and stay focused on their individual goals and responsibilities, enjoying their relationship as just one part of their lives.
  • Partners share a strong emotional connection, not just a physical connection.
  • Partners communicate openly and directly to voice boundaries, build trust, and solve conflicts quickly.
  • Partners speak and act kindly to each other, boosting each other’s self-esteem.
  • Partners are not physically violent.
  • Partners end relationships respectfully.

Red flags in relationships.

Discussion of potential red flags also has an important place in this conversation. Here are some concerning signs your daughter should be aware of:

  • Feeling like a romantic partner is excessively jealous.
  • When a romantic partner acts controlling or tries to dictate what their significant other is allowed to do, where they can go, and who they can spend time with outside the relationship.
  • A partner feels guilty, like they can’t do anything right, or that they are “in trouble” with their romantic partner often.
  • Any type of physical violence or threat of violence.
  • Any type of sexual violence.

Girls’ common questions and concerns.

Why it seems like “everyone is in a relationship.”

Explain that for a lot of reasons, it might feel to your daughter like she is the only one not in a relationship. It’s easy to focus on what others have. A lot of movies depicting life in middle and high school focus on a love story, which makes it seem like having a relationship in your teens is something that needs to happen or should always happen. And romantic relationships are glorified and depicted in the music girls listen to and the Netflix shows they binge. Since our culture places so much value on relationships, it makes total sense she may feel like the only single person at one time or another.

Make sure she knows that most people have their first relationships after high school and that relationships don’t always happen on our timelines. Relationships are about connecting with the right person at the right time. And make sure she realizes that lots of people have the moment she is having, where they feel like they are the only one without a significant other. Her time to be with someone will happen, and it will be worth the wait.

With this approach, you are making her feel heard, honoring her feelings, and reassuring her while also offering her facts to back up a different point of view. She may not be in the mood to consider her situation from a different perspective, but she may come back to it later.

How to get into a relationship.

This is another common question for girls. Mention that relationships begin in all different ways. Help her see the benefit in spending time with people who make her happy and who make her feel relaxed and confident. Sometimes, girls focus on crushes who don’t have the same feelings or who are interested in other people. Encourage your daughter to really pay attention in these moments, noticing whether certain crushes and relationships actually make her happy. Explain that you can’t always choose the way you feel or who you are attracted to, but you always have the ability to change your focus to the people you feel comfortable around and who value you.

Things to say:

  • I love you.
  • Love is an important part of life.
  • Healthy relationships can be a fun and meaningful part of life.
  • It can feel like everyone else is in a relationship, but that isn’t the case.
  • Relationships should add to your sense of inner peace and confidence, not cause anxiety.
  • You should never feel like you have to change or be uncomfortable to make someone else happy.
  • Trust your gut feelings about someone.
  • Jealousy, controlling behaviors, and violence are not markers of authentic love.
  • Be truthful and kind in relationships.

Things to not say:

  • You’re not dating until you’re 30.
  • Relationships don’t matter right now; focus on your homework and friendships.
  • You’re too young to be in love.
  • You don’t know what love is.
  • Relationships never work out.
  • All men are dogs.

Questions to ask:

The topic of love and relationships comes up in a song, TV show, or movie. Ask:

  • Do you think the way they are talking about love is realistic?
  • Do you think the media sets healthy expectations for real-life relationships?
  • Do you think the media influences the way your friends view love and relationships? How?
  • Who do you think are the most realistic TV or movie couples? Why?

Your daughter and her friends are talking about crushes and/or significant others in your presence. Later on, ask:

  • Do you think most people you know in relationships are happy? Or do people get caught up in the drama?
  • Do you feel like your friends are always respectful and caring when talking about other people’s relationships?
  • What do you think are the best things about relationships right now?
  • What is most exciting to you about relationships?

Your daughter is in a relationship that seems positive. Ask:

  • What is your favorite thing about [name]?
  • Are there ways you feel that being in this relationship is helping you?
  • What do you feel like you’ve learned so far about relationships?
  • What are the ways you communicate best together?

Beyond the conversation: modeling healthy relational behaviors.

When it comes to teaching your daughter to recognize healthy relationships and incorporate healthy relationship strategies, the example you set is paramount. You don’t have to be perfect, but whenever possible, model the habits you hope your daughter will form, even in trying times. Show her what it means to treat loved ones with respect and resolve conflicts in caring ways. If you have a romantic partner, be mindful of cultivating healthy relationship dynamics together. Your daughter will notice and develop expectations for her relationships based in great part on your actions and behaviors.

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