Dr., I’ve been having sex with a friend who is 19 and he expressed that he had feelings for me at a time when I didn’t have feelings for him. We got into an argument and didn’t talk for a few weeks and I noticed that I missed him and now we’re talking sort of, but I feel that now its more physical than anything, on his part. I think I do have feelings for him, but the only time he attempts to talk to me is when he is horny. The biggest issue is that I haven’t come out and I don’t feel it’s the right time for me to, but I think if I did, it would help things between me and him. Could you give me any advice?
Yep, pup, you sound pretty confused all right. But then you can hardly be faulted for your bewilderment, being as young as you are.
But if the truth be known, your youth has very little to do with it. The first thing you oughta know is that people grapple with these weighty concerns all their lives. I don’t know anyone who has all this emotional stuff pinned down. Because just as soon as ya think ya have it all figured out, life throws you a curve ball.
You will find if you haven’t done so already, that there is often a very fine line between love and desire, passion and intimacy and lust and affection. You should also know that sometimes, maybe even most of the time, we are out of sync with the person we are involved with. In the immortal words of Stephen Sondheim — either we are at last on the ground, while they’re in mid air. Or they keep tearing around while we can’t move. Since the beginning of time, most songs, epic love stories and romantic poetry have wrestled with the shifting fortunes of matters of the heart…and the groin.
So if you ever do make sense of all of this in your life, just wait a minute. The whole kit and caboodle will surely collapse like a house of cards around your head. That’s what I’ve found in my life anyhow. I still struggle with all of this and I’m fuckin’ old, don’t cha know.
Actually, I believe that the tension between love and lust is the very thing that gives life its spice. The only thing I’ve been able to discover after all this time is that there isn’t a code to break, just a toboggan ride to be had.
Which bring me to the second comment I want to make. I know that a lot of young people…your age and even younger…are experimenting with sex, and that’s not a bad thing necessarily. I do, however, advise discretion. Keep in mind that most people in our culture freak out when they discover that young people actually have a sex live. To that I would add that you probably know that your 19year old playmate is technically breaking the law by cavorting with you, a minor, right? He could get in a shit-load of trouble for bumping an underage lad like you.
And while there’s just a 3-year difference between you, I’d be willing to guess that your friend is considerably more advanced than you in terms of emotional development. If he isn’t, then there’s something very wrong with him. Just be aware that sometimes a disparity in life experience can be used by the more seasoned partner as a means of manipulating the other. And that’s never a good thing.
In terms of coming out, well that’s best done when you are at ease and comfortable in claiming and owning your sexual identity whatever it might be. Since sexuality is often a very fluid thing, there’s no pressing need to self-identify as one thing or another until ya have enough life experience under your belt to be able to say for sure. And even then you may find that your heart…or your dick will lead you elsewhere. Remember what I said about life throwing you a curve ball just as soon as ya think ya have it all figured out? Well it’s true in this regard too.
Finally, and this is the only absolute I have for you today. If you’re old enough to fuck, you’re old enough to know all about safe sex. And not just know about it, but practice it too. If you’re not using condoms, then you’re just a dumb kid with rocks in his head. And I really want to believe that’s not the case with you. Simply put, HIV and other sexually transmitted infections won’t make an exception for you because of your age. Also, you’ll never come to grips with grown-up emotions and all they entail if you’re just a dumb kid with rocks in his head, if ya catch my drift.