True romance

— How to keep the love alive when you fight

‘A big blow-out can clear the pipes’

Research has found that couples who argue (and get over it) are more likely to stay together than those who avoid conflict. But how can you argue safely?

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It wasn’t without a little smugness that I used to tell friends that my partner and I almost never argued. It turns out this isn’t necessarily something to be proud of. “When couples don’t argue ever, and never show their differences to each other, or their strong feelings, they risk getting quite disconnected,” says Joanna Harrison, a couples therapist and the author of Five Arguments All Couples (Need to) Have. “They might describe themselves as being on parallel tracks, and they become out of touch with each other.”

When my partner and I do have occasional disagreements, neither of us deals with them well. He is the peacekeeper and often acquiesces, but then feels resentful; I sulk, can nurse a grudge and have been known to produce percentage calculations (I am a dreadful person) to show why he’s wrong about something he says I “always” do. Both of us flinch from real conflict, preferring passive aggression. But Harrison says: “The thing about arguments is that they keep us in touch with our partners.” If, she adds, “we use them productively”.

Psychologists used to think, says Ian Leslie, the author of Conflicted, that clashes in relationships were generally harmful. Instead, when couples are studied over months and years, those who argue (and then get over it) “are the couples who are more likely to stay together, to be happy in the relationship, and to feel that they’ve made progress on whatever problems they have”. Conflict, says Leslie, “is information. In an argument, the veil of civility that we use even with our intimate partners gets ripped away and we say what we really feel. That means we get information on what our partner really cares about, what upsets them, and often that information is new. So now we have a more accurate, updated mental model of our partner and that means we can relate to them better.”

Of course some arguments, says Harrison, “are destructive and dangerous”, particularly those that are hostile and unsafe. And constant bickering over small things can, says Susanna Abse, a couples psychotherapist and the author of Tell Me the Truth About Love, be a sign that something in your relationship “needs attending to, there are feelings around something that have not been repaired, long-term grudges have emerged. Sometimes it’s because you’re competitive – what are you competing about? – rather than a notion of you being on the same side. I think if you find yourself in a relationship that is marked by constant sniping, you need to think: what really is going on here? Because it’s very eroding. The beginnings of contempt, which is very deadening to a relationship, start to creep in.”

But if we’re talking about arguments, however big, between otherwise loving couples, a disagreement can be creative, says Harrison. “It’s two minds trying to find a way of putting differences together and coming up with something new.” A big blow-out can “kind of clear the pipes and enable things that need attention to get some airing”.

Actively avoiding conflict, says Abse, “often stops life progressing, because if you avoid the difficult things, you often don’t make decisions that move you on, such as deciding to move home or have a second child. These things sometimes require conversations that involve differences between a couple. One of the biggest challenges of relationships is how to manage conflict in a healthy and creative way.”

How, then, do we prepare for battle, or rather approach a disagreement in a grownup and productive way? Leslie says we “communicate on two channels at once. There’s the ‘content’ channel – money, who’s taking the bins out – and there’s the ‘relationship’ channel, which is more about whether each party feels they are getting the respect they deserve, or the affection they want.” If you can stay attuned to that channel, “you can have a vigorous argument about the content without walking away feeling hurt or furious. Often when the other person is being difficult or irrational about the content of the argument it’s because of something at that unspoken [relationship] level – perhaps they fear that you’re trying to shame or humiliate them.” Leslie suggests putting some work in to “ameliorate that, by making sure to acknowledge your partner’s hard work or good intentions or whatever – and then get into the contentious issue you need to discuss”.

People find it difficult to be told what to think or feel – when you say “you should …” – so avoid that, says Leslie, who adds that “in tense situations, people are very alert for threats”. Describe the emotional impact of the issue on you. “It means you relax a bit and your partner realises what the emotional stakes are.”

Try not to get into a situation where you are blaming each other, says Abse. Instead, “place things in the middle, between you, as a shared problem, holding on to the idea that you’re a couple and the issues need to be grappled with by you both”.

Saying “you always” or “you never” is unhelpful, says Abse. It can lead to an escalation, which is what you’re trying to avoid. “The more the heat gets in, the less thinking there is,” she says. “You then try and rid yourself of all the bad feelings by pushing them back at your partner.” If the argument escalates, take some time out. “Say: ‘I can’t talk about this right now, because it’s upsetting me too much. I need a bit of space to think about it. Let’s talk about it again later.’ Sometimes it’s best to let things lie for a little bit and return to them,” says Abse.

“Don’t have arguments to win them,” says Harrison. “This is not a court of law.” Don’t bring in every (real or perceived) crime they have committed over the course of your relationship. “That makes the other person panic, and feel defensive.” Try to actually listen, rather than just waiting for them to finish speaking so you can have your say. If their volume is rising, it’s probably because they’re not feeling heard. It’s difficult to remember all this in the heat of the row, Harrison adds. “We’re all only human. Sometimes you’ve got to just have the argument.” Arguments can blow up out of nowhere, but if it’s an issue you know is going to be touchy, Harrison recommends scheduling a discussion. “Don’t put the other one on the spot. Say: ‘Should we go for a walk tomorrow and talk about this?’ So everyone knows that it’s coming.”

Be curious, she says. The row happened because you left a coffee cup somewhere you shouldn’t, but what is that actually about? Go into information-gathering mode. “That is a lot of what we do in therapy – being curious about disagreements and trying to find the deeper layers, because an argument about a coffee cup could be about some fundamental principle going on in the relationship that needs attention.”

The hot topics that often cause arguments – money, jealousies, big life decisions – usually have a resonance beyond the relationship, says Abse, often going back to childhood. “If you’re finding certain topics very difficult, having a bit of space where you think about why it’s so hard for you, together or on your own, is important.”

It is the repair of the relationship after an argument that is vital. “Ruptures followed by repair are strengthening and produce greater resilience in a couple than avoidance,” says Abse. Try whatever works for you both – an apology, a cup of tea, a biscuit. “And when the gesture has been made, really try to reciprocate. You can say: ‘I’m still cross with you’, but accept the hug or the cup of tea.” Refusing a peace offering “is likely to lead to gestures not being made and making it harder to come back from arguments. Sometimes it takes time – if the rupture has been about a big betrayal then you’ve got to make the gesture for longer.”

A lot of people, says Abse, are fearful of having rows – maybe you witnessed your parents arguing and found it frightening. “But sometimes you do have to have big arguments, and sometimes you have to accept that they go on for a while.” An argument may be resolved, but it may be a case of learning to live with your differences, she says. “Or realising: ‘We’re too different and we can’t live with that.’”

Since Leslie wrote his book, he has found himself more likely to engage in arguments with his wife. “Not angry ones,” he adds. He suggests having lots of “good-natured, low-stakes arguments. Then, when the bigger ones come along, you’ll be more prepared to deal with them.” As for me, I’m off to start a row.

Complete Article HERE!

Deconstructing Stonewalling

— This toxic approach to conflict is unintentional or intentional and verbal or nonverbal

Shutting down. Clamming up. Walking out. Giving up.

We all hope that we’ll rise to the occasion and communicate clearly in tough situations — that we’ll stand up for ourselves while being respectful of the needs and feelings of the people we care about.

But sometimes, when the going gets tough, our emotional walls get higher. And with every delay, distraction and deflection — every slammed door, dismissive comment and dodged conversation — those walls become harder to scale.

Psychologist Susan Albers, PsyD, breaks down the concept of stonewalling — what it is, why it happens, and what to do if the behavior is threatening your relationships.

What is stonewalling?

Stonewalling is way of intentionally or unintentionally, verbally or nonverbally withdrawing from a conflict. While some people stonewall on purpose to assert control or do harm, the behavior is often inadvertent. Dr. Albers likens it to turning off the light switch. “You’re having a conversation and all of a sudden, the other person shuts off. Not just verbally or physically — they emotionally disengage.”

She explains that the way we talk about stonewalling in relationships is largely the result of psychologist John Gottman’s writing on the topic. His Cascade Model of Relationship Dissolution uses the imagery of “the four horsemen of the apocalypse” to describe the four ineffective communication styles that he believes can predict divorce. The four styles are:

  1. Criticism.
  2. Defensiveness.
  3. Contempt.
  4. Stonewalling.

His work is influential enough that it’s probably one of the first sources that pops up when you research “stonewalling” online. But even though the most popular writing on the topic focuses on romantic relationships, Dr. Albers says any relationship can encounter stonewalling. Best friends, coworkers, family members … you name it. Politicians stonewall all the time, as do lawyers. Heck, we all do it sometimes!

Stonewalling is a common tactic because (at least in the short term) it works. It’s a defense mechanism that stops the immediate conflict from progressing any further. And it gives the person doing the stonewalling a sense of safety and control over the situation.

But in the long term, Dr. Albers cautions that disengaging from conflict — consciously or unconsciously — can damage or even destroy a relationship.

Unintentional and intentional stonewalling

Building a wall isn’t something you do by accident, but stonewalling might be.

“Unintentional stonewalling is often a sign that someone is having difficulty coping with the conversation,” Dr. Albers explains. “They may be conflict avoidant. It might even be a fight-or-flight response: They need to escape.”

And it’s often the case that people simply don’t have the skills or capacity they need to have the conversation in that moment. “It doesn’t come from a place of wanting to disconnect or distance,” she says. “It’s just not knowing how to have that conversation in a healthy and productive way.”

She adds that stonewalling is a common tactic for people with depression or who have an anxious attachment style. Disengagement can also be a protective measure for a person who struggles with a high level of anxiety or has endured significant trauma. In that case, stonewalling may be a way to calm down and feel safe again. For people who grew up in dysfunctional households, it may be a learned behavior.

In still other cases, stonewalling is a deliberate and emotionally abusive act. A person who stonewalls on purpose is exerting control over (and often demeaning) another person by acting as if their attention and interest are a reward to be “earned.” People with narcissistic personality disorder may be especially inclined toward this behavior.

Verbal and nonverbal stonewalling

Shutting down communication will look different from person to person and situation to situation. According to Dr. Albers, stonewalling can be verbal or nonverbal.

Verbal stonewalling can take the form of “the silent treatment,” but it can be subtler than that, too. Changing the topic, only offering clipped, one- to two-word responses and refusing to answer questions can have the same effect. In some cases, there actually is a conversation happening, but one person is filibustering, or being dismissive, accusatory or aggressive in a way that’s designed to end the discussion.

Nonverbal stonewalling can be as straightforward as avoiding contact or getting up and walking away. Sometimes, it’s a question of body language — rolling one’s eyes, adopting a closed-off posture or refusing to make eye contact. Physical stonewalling can also involve shifting focus. “The biggest one I see is people taking out their phone,” Dr. Albers states. “That stops the conversation immediately.”

The best indicator that somebody’s stonewalling you is how it makes you feel. You may feel frustrated, helpless, confused, disrespected or angry.

How stonewalling can hurt a relationship

Truth be told, everybody stonewalls occasionally. We all experience moments when we just can’t, and that’s OK. It only becomes a problem for a relationship when it goes unaddressed. And if stonewalling becomes an engrained pattern — an established communication style between two people — it can be devastating.

“Stonewalling leaves conflict unresolved, and it can make the other person feel disrespected, or that their perspective isn’t important or valued.” Dr. Albers says. “Sometimes, people just give up, which creates an emotional distance that can be difficult to repair.”

How to stop stonewalling

The apocalypse metaphor Gottman uses to talk about stonewalling in relationships might make your situation feel hopeless. And sure, unlearning a behavior like stonewalling is difficult. But Dr. Albers encourages you to look on the bright side.

“The good news is stonewalling is a pattern that can be addressed,” she reassures. “Once you recognize that you’re doing it, it’s something that can be changed, and that change can do wonders for your relationship.”

So, how do you go about breaking down a wall?

Name the behavior and take a ‘time out’

Dr. Albers shares that the first thing you need to do to stop stonewalling is recognize the behavior in the moment. Particularly if you’re the one doing the stonewalling.

Labeling or naming a behavior can make a big difference because you’re offering the person you’re talking to insight into what’s happening in your head, and why.

“Tell the person you’re talking to that, ‘I’m shutting down right now.’” Dr. Albers advises. “Emphasize that what the person has to say is important, but that you need to calm down before re-engaging in the conversation.” Then, set up a time — minutes, hours or days later — to return to the discussion.

“Don’t just leave it hanging,” she urges.

Here are a few other tips for breaking through a wall — yours, or somebody else’s:

Empathize

If you’re the one doing the stonewalling, acknowledge that your need to step away from a conflict is likely impacting the other person’s feelings — that they may be frustrated, hurt or angry.

If you’re the one being stonewalled, tell the other person that you recognize how difficult it must be for them to have the conversation.

Be mindful of your body language

Are you sitting with your arms and legs crossed? Are you looking at the floor instead of the person you’re talking to? Are you clenching your jaw? Is your body rigid, your posture frozen? “Sometimes, we’re not aware that we’re giving signals that we don’t want to talk,” Dr. Albers points out.

Vocalize your needs

Change doesn’t happen overnight — especially when the thing you’re trying to change is a communication style. And conflict isn’t one-sided. That means there needs to be give and take on both sides.

At some time when you aren’t actively in conflict, have a conversation about what you each need to get through difficult conversations. If you struggle to articulate your thoughts and feelings when you’re upset, you might need time to write things out before having a tough conversation. Or maybe the other person isn’t at a place where they can maintain eye contact during a conflict, so they need to be allowed to demonstrate engagement in another way.

Accommodating each other’s needs — even in difficult moments — is a sign of respect and good faith.

Stay emotionally engaged

It’s happening. You’re shutting down, freezing up, disconnecting. You’re not able to have this conversation right now.

That’s OK. Talking isn’t everything.

“You can still engage with someone emotionally without having a conversation,” Dr. Albers offers. “Maybe you don’t leave the room. You sit next to them. You hold their hand. Even if you’re not going to be able to have that conversation, you can still be emotionally engaged.”

Respond calmly

It’s always important to be respectful in your conversations, but it’s extra important if you know that the person you’re trying to communicate with is conflict averse, anxious or has a history of trauma. Raising your voice, interrupting or adopting an aggressive posture will push a stonewaller away. Active listening skills can go a long way in a situation like this.

“Even if you don’t like what the other person is saying, respond calmly,” Dr. Albers stresses. “It’s more likely to encourage them to keep going versus shutting them down.”

See a therapist

If stonewalling has become your go-to technique for dealing with difficult situations, it could be a good idea to unpack the reasons why with a counselor. Not only can they help you sort through any underlying issues that are impacting your behavior, but they can also help you learn and practice healthier communication styles.

If there’s a specific relationship where the behavior needs to be addressed, couples, marriage or family counseling could be especially useful.

Tearing down walls and building bridges

When we stonewall, we’re emotionally disengaging from a conflict. Sometimes, we do it on purpose, and sometimes, we do it without realizing it. Stonewalling can take many forms. Sometimes it’s physical, like walking away or avoiding somebody. Sometimes, it’s giving somebody “the silent treatment.” And sometimes, we stonewall with words, by changing the subject or minimizing the situation.

Although some individuals stonewall on purpose to assert control or do harm, the behavior is often unintentional. That’s because it’s a natural response to a situation where an individual lacks the capacity to handle their feelings or communicate effectively. Stonewalling is a particularly common coping mechanism for people with anxiety, depression a history of trauma or a conflict-avoidant personality.

While it’s an understandable defense mechanism that we all employ from time to time, habitual stonewalling is toxic to relationships — be they romantic, familial, friendly or professional. It can be a tough habit to break, but it’s worth the effort. Once you recognize it’s happening — and learn to respond in a different way — your relationships with other people will be easier to navigate and (we couldn’t resist) a lot less rocky.

Complete Article HERE!

The Best Relationship Advice We’ve Gotten So Far This Year

— Strategies to resolve silly fights, hurt feelings and other issues.

By Catherine Pearson and Jancee Dunn

Experts increasingly know that human connection is integral to well-being, every bit as essential as getting enough sleep or moving your body. But relationships, particularly romantic partnerships, can be tricky. And we seldom receive the straightforward, evidence-based guidance we might get from a doctor about exercise or rest.

Relationships are a big part of what we cover on the Well desk, and we spend lots of time talking to researchers and therapists who are steeped in this stuff. So we are looking back on some of the best relationship advice we’ve covered so far in 2023.

Here is a roundup of tips to keep your connection strong and healthy.

Those silly-but-frequent fights have a root cause.

If you find yourself squabbling with your partner over low-stakes matters such as unwashed dishes or dirty laundry, pick a calm moment and sit down together, said Talal Alsaleem, a couples counselor from Rosedale, Calif.

Then, explore what is actually bugging you about the situation. Often, “it’s safer to fight about taking out the garbage” than about issues that revolve around, say, feeling powerless or dismissed, Dr. Alsaleem said.

Delve deeper to figure out what sets you off, said Patricia Lamas Alvarez, a couples therapist from South Pasadena, Calif., by asking yourself questions like: “What feeling does this bring up for me? Is it something I felt in childhood?” Then share these insights with your partner.

Ask this question if a loved one is upset.

When Heather Stella, a special-education teacher in upstate New York, has a student who is agitated or overwhelmed, she asks them one question: Do you want to be helped, heard or hugged?

This simple question, Jancee Dunn discovered, works just as well in adult relationships. It shows empathy, respects boundaries, calms swirling emotions and helps partners take positive action.

Finding out whether your loved one wants to be helped, heard or hugged is really asking, “How can I meet your needs?” said Jada Jackson, a licensed mental health counselor in Dallas.

Defuse a fight with four simple phrases.

Here’s a situation that might seem familiar: As a conflict with your partner rises, you picture a thought-balloon above their head and fill it with whatever you imagine they are thinking.

This relationship-sabotaging habit is known as “unconscious storytelling,” said Terrence Real, a family therapist and the author of “Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship,” and “it can escalate an argument and distort the issue.” Instead of making assumptions that are possibly untrue, Mr. Real counsels people to share perceived slights using a therapeutic tool known as “the feedback wheel.”

It consists of four prompts: This is what I saw or heard. This is what I made up about it. This is how I felt. This is what would help me feel better. (The final statement, is vital, because “you can’t complain about not getting what you never asked for.” Mr. Real said.)

This process can help you shift from anger to vulnerability, Mr. Real said, so you can communicate respectfully, without placing blame.

Beware of ‘phubbing.’

“Phubbing” — a portmanteau of “phone” and “snubbing” — is an admittedly goofy word. But research shows that ignoring your partner to engage with your phone can lead to marital dissatisfaction and distrust.

“It really can have an impact,” said Anthony Chambers, the chief academic officer at the Family Institute at Northwestern University, even if one partner is just glancing briefly at his or her phone in the middle of a conversation.

Couples should set clear rules around phone use, said Katherine Hertlein, a professor at the Kirk Kerkorian School of Medicine at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, who studies the effect of technology on couples and families. Consider setting phone-free zones, like the dinner table or bedroom.

And don’t let resentments simmer. “As soon as you’re starting to identify those feelings of being hurt or frustrated or being snubbed,” Dr. Chambers said, “those are the times when you need to let your partner know.”

Increase your tolerance for talking about sex.

Most people rarely talk about sex with their partners, said Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and co-author of “Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life.” Or, as she previously told The Times, they discuss it only when there’s an issue.

But Ms. Marin believes communication is the foundation of a satisfying sex life, and talking about it is a skill partners can learn. She recommends starting with compliments, maybe about your partner’s appearance or about the connection you share. It can increase intimacy, and ease you into talking about sex on a more regular basis.

Or, consider a “sexual state of the union,” said Emily Morse, a sex educator who told The Times that couples should have a frank conversation about how things are going about once a month.

Keep it brief — not more than 10 minutes, Ms. Morse said — and try to be compassionate and open. Ask questions like: What would you like to see more of in our sex life?

Make the most of outside help.

Many couples delay seeing a therapist until they are stuck in patterns that have calcified, said Orna Guralnik, a Manhattan-based clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst featured in the Showtime documentary series “Couples Therapy.” At that point, she said, love (or good will) may have run out.

Still, experts acknowledged that finding a couples therapist could be time-consuming and difficult. Online digital directories, like those of Psychology Today and the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, can be a useful starting point. When you find a therapist, ask preliminary questions like: What will working with you be like? Have you dealt with my issue before? How do you handle secrets?

And don’t be afraid to offer feedback about your sessions, said Vanessa Bradden, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder and clinical director of Lakeview Therapy Group in Chicago.

“If somebody came to me and said: ‘Hey, you know what? In that last session I really wanted you to be a little more direct with me,’” she said, “I would love that.”

Complete Article HERE!

9 Benefits of Sex Therapy

—The benefits of sex therapy are multiple and go beyond those related to sexual dysfunctions. Take note of all the information.

By Valeria Sabater

Currently, a significant part of the population is unaware of all the benefits of sex therapy. There’s still a certain stigma and the classic belief that only those who present some dysfunction, such as anorgasmia or premature ejaculation, go to these professionals. However, this methodology addresses multiple dynamics and needs.

It’s important to know that its most relevant purpose is to make you feel good. Such an objective implies achieving everything from having satisfactory intimate relationships to building happier bonds with your partner.

Addressing concerns and possible traumas or even giving you guidelines to guide your adolescent children on issues related to sex are also some of the benefits of sex therapy. In this article, we’ll explain everything this form of therapy does for you.

What are the benefits of sex therapy?

Sex therapy was developed in the 1960s, thanks to the marriage of William Masters and Virginia Johnson. Their book, Human Sexual Response (1966), was quite revolutionary because it broke down many prejudices and taboos. Since then, this approach has been strengthened, and it integrates the medical model with the psychological one.

The technique is feasible both for individuals and for couples and is based on conversation that creates a framework of trust from which to provide solutions and tools for having a more harmonious life on both emotional and sexual levels. In addition, it has great scientific endorsement and, every day, contributes to recovering the well-being of thousands of people. Below, we’ll describe the main benefits of sex therapy.

1. It contributes to having a more satisfying sex life

Sex life with your partner may no longer be as exciting or satisfying as it used to be. Sometimes, without any physiological problem, there’s something wrong and it’s difficult to restore that special harmony you used to share. A work published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior indicates that one of the most common causes for which therapy is sought is a discrepancy in sexual desire.

The fact that one partner in the relationship wants to have sex more often, while the other avoids it, is common. Therefore, something a sex therapist will guide and help you with is having a full intimate life. This implies resolving any difficulties, disagreements, or inconveniences in this area.

2. The treatment of sexual problems

Throughout our lives, people can go through different sexual problems. Sometimes it’s a difficulty in achieving an orgasm, while, in other cases, conditioning factors such as menopause, times of stress, or suffering from a disease play a part when it comes to enjoying intimate relationships.

Mayo Clinic Proceedings reports something important in a study. A significant portion of sexual dysfunctions in women go unrecognized and untreated. Men are also often reticent on this issue. For this reason, it’s important for society to become aware of the benefits of sexual therapy. Next, we’ll go into detail about the conditions that the methodology usually addresses:

  • Phobias
  • Paraphilias and sexual fixations
  • Vaginismus
  • Premature ejaculation
  • Male impotence
  • Hypoactive sexual disorder
  • Female Orgasmic Disorder
  • Male Orgasmic Disorder
  • Possible sexual addictions
  • Sexual problems in menopause
  • Dyspareunia (painful intercourse)
  • Sexual difficulties associated with aging
  • Sexual problems associated with other diseases
  • Improving the sex life of couples during and after pregnancy
  • Improving the sex life of people with physical or psychological disabilities

3. Discovery of the most powerful sexual organ

The most decisive sexual organ is your brain, and the best way to have a satisfying sex life is to stimulate your imagination. In this way, some aspects that you’ll work on in therapy are your fantasies and desires.

These dimensions are extraordinary channels for awakening eroticism and enlivening your relationship as a couple, deactivating prejudices, and dismissing shame.

4. Reducing fears and anxiety

Have you heard of sexual performance anxiety? There are many people who doubt their ability to offer pleasure to their partners. The fear of not being up to the task, failing, or appearing clumsy or inexperienced is a frequent reality in clinical practice.

For this reason, one of the benefits of sex therapy is to address fears related to sex. There are multiple strategies that make it easier to effectively resolve insecurities in order to have a rewarding sex life.

Likewise, therapists always create a space of empathy, security, and trust from which to clarify your doubts and receive effective advice in any area. Psychoeducation on sexual matters also falls within their tasks.

The pharmaceutical industry seeks to provide a solution to sexual dysfunctions that can be addressed through sex therapy. Many of the problems in this area have more to do with mental factors than with physiological conditions.

5. Overcoming sexual trauma

An article in the scientific journal Frontiers in Psychology highlights that patients with sexual trauma need a special type of care that provides adequate security and respect for their personal history. Sex therapy has always addressed such delicate realities as abuse, rape, or mistreatment in couple relationships.

6. Enhanced intimacy and emotional connection

Authentic pleasure in sex doesn’t occur in the body but originates in the brain, as we’ve already suggested. If you’re in crisis with your partner and there are unaddressed grudges or disagreements, it’ll be difficult to enjoy intimacy. Given this, a sex therapist guides you to promote coexistence and connection with your loved one through the following strategies:

  • Teaching resources to solve problems
  • Offering techniques that improve communication
  • Providing strategies to revive desire in the relationship
  • Facilitating spaces in which partners can get to know each other in a more intimate and profound way
  • Collaborating in better regulating emotions in order to connect in a meaningful way

7. Sex therapy allows you to get to know yourself much better

One of the most notable benefits of sex therapy is its impact on your mental health. Sex goes beyond the biological field: It’s also a psychological dimension and, above all, a cultural one. Sometimes, the way you’re educated or even the prejudices you have on this subject condition your ability to enjoy a full life in this regard.

The specialist in this area will allow you to explore and get to know yourself better as a person. You’ll be able to understand your sexuality, fantasies, and desires. No matter your age or the personal moment in which you find yourself, you always have time to look within yourself, drop your defenses, reformulate misconceptions about sex, and enjoy it.

8. It’s an inclusive therapy

Today’s sex therapy is also inclusive. What does this mean? You can find therapists trained in sexual diversity. McGill University in Montreal alludes to the advances that exist right now. This clinical field moves with our times and works to challenge stereotypes and promote a more inclusive and equitable vision of sexuality.

In this way, members of the LGBTIQ+ community benefit from more sensitive, trained, and effective attention to their particular needs and realities.

9. The prevention of future problems

Sex therapy not only addresses problems and educates us in the field of sexuality, but it also has a decisive role in prevention. Even if right now you feel good in your life as a couple and have good intimate health, it never hurts to learn new tools to avoid or address possible future problems.

Knowing, for example, how daily stress affects sexuality or how to respond to monotony in your emotional bond through new approaches are strategies that therapists educate you.

How to find a sex therapist who can help me?

Remember, you don’t have to wait for serious problems in order to start sex therapy. It’s best to go as soon as you have a concern or doubts or don’t feel satisfaction with your intimate life. If you want to look for a therapist in this area, look at the fields in which they specialize. There are some professionals who exclusively address organic or medical aspects.

However, most are prepared to treat both possible dysfunctions and relational problems and advise you on any aspect related to sexuality. Always contact specialists who follow techniques backed by science and don’t forget the most decisive thing: Being honest. Don’t be afraid to express your needs and concerns. Only then will you receive the best care possible.

It might interest you…

Complete Article HERE!

Five signs your relationship is on the rocks

— Every couple has their ups and downs, but sometimes a relationship never recovers from a difficult period.

By

While processing conflict and working on your interactions is admirable, aiming to repair a dying relationship is a time-waster for everyone involved.

The key to sorting things out – whether that’s together or not – is seeing the signs you’ve reached the point of no return.

That allows you to go your separate ways if need be or come up with a game plan to change things if you see something worth salvaging; rip the plaster off and save yourselves the heartache later on.

According to sex and relationship therapist Lauren Consul, there are a few red flags that suggest you’re flogging a dead horse romantically.

If her warning signs read like a memoir of your partnership, it might be time to move on.

Getting stuck in the content during arguments

Lauren, 34, says that a clear sign your relationship is on the rocks can be seen in your arguments.

Are you getting to the root of the issue or focusing on surface level squabbles that go nowhere?

‘Two people can experience the same thing but feel completely differently about it,’ says Lauren.

‘If we get stuck in the “right sight” we are saying one person’s experience is valid and the other is not.’

Two Angry Man Fighting With Each Other. Disagreement.
Some couples can struggle to see the wood for the trees in disagreements

If disagreements are circular and you’re rowing about who did what and who’s in the right, you’re destined to become resentful as underlying causes fester unchecked.

Lauren adds: ‘The best way to overcome this is if we can take a pause and reflect on what we are hearing from our partner and validate them.’

Not taking responsibility

LA-based Lauren argues that couples for whom sorry is the hardest word may struggle long term.

When one partner won’t take responsibility, they place the success (or failure) of the relationship onto the other. For example, taking the ‘well if my partner would just change or do this differently, everything would be fine,’ approach to problems.

‘It is a lot easier to point the finger at our partner,’ comments Lauren. ‘But what you do impacts your partner which then impacts you – behaviours get reinforced.’

Losing curiosity for each other

As a relationship progresses, you’re naturally going to fall into certain routines and lose that ‘first flush of love’ feel.

However, if you’re no longer curious about your partner and assume you know them already, that’s a bad omen for your future.

Emotional Black Married Couple Having Reconciliation After A Fight.
Support and respect are cornerstones of a healthy partnership

Lauren says: ‘When we start dating, we ask lots of questions and are interested in each other, but over time we forgot or start presuming and stop asking our partner questions.

‘It is all about continuing to ask questions – how are they feeling? What are they thinking? And what their long-term goals are.’

As they say, the grass is greenest where you water it most, so put the effort in like you did at the beginning to come back from the brink.

Words and actions that don’t align

When the trust is gone in a relationship, it’s difficult to get it back.

If one partner makes big promises but fails to follow through, the other can feel let down.

Saying ‘I love you’ but not showing it, for example, signifies that your words are meaningless. And building a relationship on a shaky foundation can lead to collapse.

‘The first step is awareness but that alone is not enough, we have to have motivation,’ Lauren says.

‘We need to start to recognise how these things are showing up in the relationship and why they are showing up and then we can shift it.’

Lack of support and teamwork

Lauren says that feeling like your partner doesn’t have your back can be the death knell for your relationship.

She explains: ‘A common one I see is that one partner will take the side of their mum or dad or even siblings over their partner – and that is really painful for people, as it is saying you are not my core family.

‘It is that transition of “we are in this together” – it is about coming together and understanding how you are feeling about this and how can we work on this.’

It’s imperative you approach things as a team; otherwise what’s the point of being together?

No couple is perfect, but support, trust, respect, and collaboration set apart those that go the distance from those that don’t.

Complete Article HERE!

Being more vulnerable with your partner can improve intimacy

— Here are 6 tips for letting your guard down

By

  • Being vulnerable with your partner can improve trust, communication, conflict, and your sex life.
  • Sharing your needs, hopes, fears, and emotions can feel scary if you’ve been hurt in the past.
  • Therapists suggest starting slow, using physical touch, and telling your partner how they can help.

Many people crave intimacy in relationships — but true intimacy requires vulnerability, according to Samantha Saunders, a licensed professional counselor in private practice.

Vulnerability in a relationship means you feel able to express your real needs, desires, thoughts, fears, and feelings with your partner. In short, you share your whole self, no matter the risks.

Of course, since letting your guard down creates the potential for hurt or rejection, it can often feel scary to take that leap — especially if someone broke your trust in a past relationship.

So, maybe you hold back the words “I love you” for fear of how your partner might respond, or resist asking for help because you don’t want to seem weak.

As challenging as it might feel to open up to your partner, though, relationship experts say it’s worth making the effort.

Below, therapists share five key benefits of vulnerability, along with six tried-and-true tips for becoming more vulnerable in your relationship.

1. More productive conflict

Vulnerability during conflict can help you and your partner understand each other better, cultivate empathy for each other, and ultimately reach a resolution more quickly, says

Anna Hindell, a psychotherapist in private practice.

For example, taking responsibility for the fact that you said something hurtful to your partner — which requires vulnerability — may help them feel understood so they can move on more easily.

2. Improved ability to meet each other’s needs

No matter how well your partner knows you, they can’t predict your every need and want.

So, when you tell your significant other that you crave more physical affection, for instance, that act of vulnerability serves you both, Saunders says.

With that knowledge, your partner has a better chance of making those necessary adjustments — which means you’re more likely to feel happy, fulfilled, and supported as a result.

3. Increased trust

Trust is the backbone of any relationship. And when you can drop your guard, confide in your partner, and find they still love and accept you, that helps increase trust, Hindell says.

For example, say you tell your partner it bothers you when they forget to mention they’re running late. Doing this can build trust in two ways:

  • Your partner now knows you’ll be honest and transparent with them about your feelings.
  • If they apologize and show empathy for your feelings, you can trust they’ll validate your feelings in the future.

4. A more satisfying sex life

Bravely communicating your needs, likes, dislikes, and fantasies — also known as sexual communication — can prime you and your partner for more fulfilling sex, according to Laura Silverstein, a certified couples therapist and author of “Love Is an Action Verb.”

In fact, a 2022 review found that engaging in more sexual communication can lead to greater sexual and relationship satisfaction.

Examples of sexual communication include:

  • Sharing some feedback after sex about what did or didn’t feel good
  • Asking your partner if they’re willing to try something new next time you’re physically intimate

5. Greater self-acceptance

Vulnerability can also benefit you as an individual.

When you share your deepest desires, fears, and insecurities with your partner, you’re more likely to feel loved for who you really are, according to Saunders. You no longer have to hide your so-called “flaws,” because you have the reassurance that your partner loves all of you — not just the parts you allow them to see.

This can pave the way for greater self-awareness, self-esteem, and self-love, says Kalley Hartman, therapist and clinical director at Ocean Recovery.

And higher self-esteem can improve the quality of your relationships, in turn.

Tips for becoming more vulnerable

Whether you struggle with vulnerability or simply want to make this skill more of a priority in your relationship, these suggestions from experts can help you learn to let your partner in.

1. Start small

“If you’re nervous about opening up to your partner, start by sharing something simple that doesn’t feel too emotionally risky,” Saunders says.

Saunders suggests sharing a secret interest or passion with your partner — for example, a love of watching anime or building model trains — even if you don’t know how they’ll react.

By easing into vulnerability, you can slowly build trust and confidence so you can share deeper emotional truths over time.

2. Practice self-care

“In order to be vulnerable with your partner, you need to start out being kind to yourself,” Silverstein says.

According to Saunders, practicing self-care can help ensure you don’t get overwhelmed by fear, anxiety, or other emotions that arise while you’re preparing to open up.

She recommends using meditation, journaling, yoga, and breathing exercises to help ground you before engaging in vulnerable conversations.

3. Use “I” statements

Telling your partner they did something to upset you may, in some cases, trigger feelings of fear, anxiety, or shame.

This kind of vulnerability may spark some discomfort, and that’s natural — but keep in mind your partner can’t apologize, validate your emotions, or change their behavior if they don’t know how you feel.

Silverstein advises starting these conversations with an “I feel” statement.

For example:

I-statements like these are far less likely to put your partner on the defensive than accusations. Accordingly, they leave your partner in a much better position to show the empathy and understanding you need to encourage future vulnerability.

4. Admit you’re struggling

When you have trouble letting your guard down, one important step toward vulnerability involves admitting your struggle.

For example, you might tell your partner:

  • “I want to feel closer to you, but I have a hard time talking about my feelings.”
  • “It’s difficult for me to ask for help, even though I need it sometimes.”

If you can, you might also consider sharing why you shy away from vulnerability. Did you get hurt in a past relationship? Did your parents teach you that showing your feelings is a weakness?

Letting your partner know what they can do to encourage vulnerability may also make a difference.

For instance, you might say:

  • “I feel a lot safer sharing my feelings when you do so.”
  • “I’d love for you to ask how you can help when you notice I’m getting frustrated with a project.”

5. Initiate physical contact

If you have a hard time expressing your vulnerability in words, Silverstein suggests making more physical gestures to connect with your partner.

For instance, you might:

  • Make it a point to kiss them goodbye for work, if that’s not a typical part of your routine
  • Reach for their hand while you’re out for a walk
  • Gently touch their thigh or back when sitting in the car together

It’s OK to feel a little hesitant about this if you’re not used to initiating physical contact — but displays of affection like these can strengthen your bond. What’s more, these acts may make your partner feel loved and cared for — which can help them feel safer being vulnerable with you.

6. Seek support from a therapist

If you have trouble cultivating vulnerability in your relationship, Hindell advises working with a professional. A licensed couples therapist can help facilitate more vulnerable dialogue between you and your partner — and help you identify anything holding you back.

“A therapist can also offer guidance on communication strategies that will help each partner express themselves without fear of judgment or rejection,” Hartman says.

Insider’s takeaway

Vulnerability can foster trust, intimacy, and understanding while also enabling you to communicate and resolve conflict more effectively. Ultimately, these benefits can boost your relationship satisfaction overall.

That said, opening up about your thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires can feel downright difficult at times. Therapists say it can help to start with small acts of vulnerability, let your partner in on your struggle, and seek support from a therapist as needed.

Above all, Hartman recommends patience. “It can take time to build trust and comfort with a partner, so don’t be discouraged if it takes longer than expected before you can truly let your guard down,” Hartman says.

Complete Article HERE!

4 Steps To Bring Up An Issue In Your Relationship Without Starting A Fight

By Rachel Wright, LMFT

As a therapist that specializes in relationships, one of the most common things clients ask me about is how to start and have conversations with people in their lives. Whether it’s their partners, bosses, friends, parents, or anyone else, it can feel daunting to have a conversation about something important and potentially difficult.

How do you start it? How do you express your thoughts and feelings in a way that doesn’t sound accusatory? How do you express what you want to be different without just saying, “Change your behavior, k thanks!”

Well, look no further. I’ve got you covered.

Combining a handful of communication techniques and theories, I’ve come up with a three-step framework (that actually has four steps) to help you have a conversation with anyone in your life. This technique has been used by CEOs, kids, parents, and educators — literally anyone can use this. The acronym for this framework is AEO, which stands for acknowledge, explain, and offer. But before you jump into AEO, there is one other step.

Ready? Let’s go.

Step 1: Ask for a time to talk.

Have you ever been emptying the dishwasher, and suddenly, your partner comes up to you and starts talking about something important? Or maybe you’re at the copier at work, and your boss walks over and drops something on you. Or you’re on the phone with a family member, and they tell you something that rocks your world? Yeah, it’s no fun to be blindsided.

We often talk about consent when it comes to sexual interactions, and as a sex therapist, I believe that consent is just as important when talking about communication. Let’s normalize consenting to conversations. How does this look?

Here are three examples:

  • “Hey, I have something I want to talk to you about. It’s about our sex life. When would be a good time to talk?”
  • “So, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about our financial situation and want to find a time to chat. When is good for you?”
  • “There have been a lot of changes here at the office, and I want to talk to you about some things I’ve been thinking about. When do you have time in your day? Or, if not today, this week?”

All three of these examples allow the person receiving the information to decide when is good for them to step into a container of conversation. While the information given may still feel blindside-y, they aren’t being blindsided by the conversation. 

So, you’ve asked for a time to talk, letting the person know what the general theme of the conversation is going to be. Once you’re actually sitting down to have the conversation, it’s time to get into A-E-O.

Step 2: A stands for Acknowledge.

This step is all about acknowledging the elephant in the room and/or the reality of the situation. Here are some examples of acknowledgment statements with varying topics:

  • “I know we haven’t had sex in a few months and haven’t talked about it at all.”
  • “I know that talking about money has been historically really hard for both of us.”
  • “I know that things have been stressful in the office lately.”
  • “I know that the last two years have been absolute hell for you.”

Notice that all of these acknowledgment statements start with “I know…” and continue on to validate the reality of the situation or name the elephant in the room. When you think about talking to the other person about whatever it is you want to talk about, and you imagine them replying by saying “yeah, but…”—whatever comes after that “but” is probably a good acknowledgment statement.

Here’s an example: Your friend calls and tells you that they’re feeling hurt because, over the last few months, they haven’t heard from you as much as you used to talk. You may reply, “Yes, but the last few months have been really hard because of everything with my job…” right? What if they started the conversation with, “I know that the last few months stuff with your job has been super hard.” With this statement, you immediately feel validated, defenses go down, and you’re more likely to listen to what they have to say next.

Step 3: E stands for Explain.

This is where people typically start conversations. We start by explaining what we’re thinking and how we’re feeling—and sometimes, these two things get mixed up. Have you ever heard someone say, “I feel like you,” or “I feel that…” Those are thoughts disguised with the starting part of “I feel.”

When we use the word “feel,” it’s really important that we’re actually talking about a feeling, whether that be a physical sensation or an emotion. When I ask someone how they’re feeling, I am not asking what they’re thinking. If I want to know what they’re thinking, I’ll ask that. Try and catch yourself if you’re doing this in your life (99% of people I know do this). 

The Explain step should follow this structure:

  • “I feel/felt (emotion) when (situation or action that created the emotion).”

Here are some examples of what this could look like, continuing from the A statements used above:

  • “I feel disconnected when we don’t have any form of physical intimacy.”
  • “I feel scared when you bring up our money situation.”
  • “I felt disappointed that you missed your deadline last week.”
  • “I feel sad and let down when you don’t return my phone calls and don’t respond to my text messages. I feel hurt when I’m the only one attempting to connect.”

When we phrase things in this format, it takes the blame off the person while still letting them know how their actions affected us. Rather than starting a conversation off with “you never call me and clearly don’t care about our friendship,” it allows the person to understand you’re hurt, sad, and let down rather than trying to infer that from an intense statement of blame.

If you feel challenged by identifying your emotions, check out these scripts. The last page of them is a feelings sheet—because yes, there are more feelings than just happy, sad, and angry.

Step 4: O stands for Offer.

Even if we manage to naturally express our feelings and what’s helping to create them, we often leave it at that. I like to tell my clients that it’s like taking a fiery basketball of feelings, passing it to the person they’re talking to, and saying, “OK, now you fix it.” Sound familiar? Whether you’ve been on the passing end or the receiving end of this, it can leave you feeling confused and unsure of what to do next. Even the person having the feels may not know what they need or want next, which can create more strain and conflict.

So, how do we avoid this? The person who is talking needs to take the time before sharing to think about what they want from the person they’re talking to. We need to help the people we’re talking to help us—and we can do that by sharing kindly, as calmly as possible; using this framework; and giving them a potential solution (or at least a step in the right direction). That’s the Offer statement.

What does an Offer statement look like? Continuing using our examples above, it could sound like this:

  • “I would love to figure out ways to connect physically, even if it isn’t sex or even sexy. How does that sound?”
  • “It would help me feel less scared if we had a scheduled time to talk about our finances, so neither of us has to worry about bringing it up out of the blue. What do you think?”
  • “I need you to be on time with your deadlines and communicate with me if it’s going to be late. Can we agree to that?”
  • “What I would really like is if you reached out to me, even once a month. Maybe even set a reminder on your phone to do it. I don’t care if it’s a reminder that makes you remember; I just want to hear from you. Do you think that’s possible?”

Notice that each of these statements is a clear ask followed up with a question. We’re not trying to tell someone else what to do—we’re giving them an option of something that can help the situation we’re talking about. Ending with a question gives them an opportunity to say yes or say no and offer an alternative solution.

AEO in action.

Before we get into why this framework is so helpful and how you can implement it, I want to put these examples together so you can see the full A-E-O experience after asking for a time to talk.

Example No. 1: Sex life with a partner

  • Acknowledge: “I know we haven’t had sex in a few months and haven’t talked about it at all.”
  • Explain: “I feel disconnected when we don’t have any form of physical intimacy.”
  • Offer: “I would love to figure out ways to connect physically, even if it isn’t sex or even sexy. How does that sound?”

Example No. 2: Money (with a family member or partner)

  • Acknowledge: “I know that talking about money has been historically really hard for both of us.”
  • Explain: “I feel scared when you bring up our money situation.”
  • Offer: “It would help me feel less scared if we had a scheduled time to talk about our finances so neither of us has to worry about bringing it up out of the blue. What do you think?”

Example No. 3: Deadlines at work

  • Acknowledge: “I know that things have been stressful in the office lately.”
  • Explain: “I felt disappointed that you missed your deadline last week.”
  • Offer: “I need you to be on time with your deadlines and communicate with me if it’s going to be late. Can we agree to that?”

Example No. 4: Long-distance friendship

  • Acknowledge: “I know that the last two years have been absolute hell for you.”
  • Explain: “I feel sad and let down when you don’t return my phone calls and don’t respond to my text messages. I feel hurt when I’m the only one attempting to connect.”
  • Offer: “What I would really like is if you reached out to me, even once a month. Maybe even set a reminder on your phone to do it. I don’t care if it’s a reminder that makes you remember; I just want to hear from you. Do you think that’s possible?”

Tips to implement this framework for the first time.

While you can just pull it out of nowhere, I’d encourage you to share with the person you’re going to talk to that you are going to use a framework to express how you’re feeling, thinking, and your needs. You can tell them that a therapist who teaches about communication wrote an article about a communication framework that resonated with you and that you want to try and use. That way, when you’re speaking potentially super differently from how you typically communicate, they’re not thinking “what is going on?” the entire time you’re talking. In the beginning, you can even pull out a little cheat sheet that says your A, E, and O statements.

We don’t get taught how to communicate effectively and in a healthy way in school, so if this feels overwhelming to you on any level, you’re not alone. Continue to learn, read more articles like this, take workshops, and get in the driver’s seat of your education as an adult. You can do this.

The takeaway.

This AEO framework is beneficial for both the person using it and the person on the receiving end. As the person speaking, it can feel overwhelming at times to get across your thoughts, feelings, and asks without becoming overwhelmed with emotion, reacting to how the person you’re talking to is looking, or just forgetting what you wanted to say to begin with.

Using a framework helps you stay on track and helps the person you’re talking to follow and track what you’re saying. In addition to assisting the listener in track and follow, the way this is set up is more accessible to receive than a word vomit of thoughts and feelings. As humans, we crave structure—and communication is no different. This framework gives the giver and the receiver more structure, which lowers stress for all parties involved.

Complete Article HERE!

How to Have a Healthy Fight With Your Partner

Where there is love, there will be arguing. Here’s how to do it the right way.

No matter how good your relationship is, fights, arguments and disagreements will crop up.

By Gigi Engle

If you think your magical relationship is never going to encounter a fight, you’re just plain wrong. Sorry to pop your love bubble, but welcome to reality.

Conflict is both inevitable and normal in romantic relationships. Where there is love and passion, there will be arguing, at least on occasion. In recent years, many psychologists, therapists and relationship coaches have even suggested that couples who do not fight have a higher chance of breaking up. 

One 2012 study published in Society for Personality and Social Psychology found that in many cases, it’s beneficial for the overall well-being of a long-term relationship if couples openly express feelings of anger, rather than burying their feelings and avoiding them. This may seem obvious, but in practice, many of us do push away unpleasant feelings about our partners, instead of being open about our discontent. 

Now, every single couple expresses anger or annoyance in their own way, as highlighted by a 2020 study that looked at the nuances of inter-couple conflict and ways it is expressed, and that’s something that must be acknowledged. That being said, there is a healthier way for all couples to fight. There’s no need to take the nuclear option at the first sign of a disagreement. 

Silva Neves, an accredited psychotherapist specializing in psychosexual and relationship therapy, tells us that there are two main ways of fighting: Constructive (the healthy, positive way) and Destructive (the unhealthy, negative way). “If you are disrespectful to your partner, call them derogatory names or shout in a way that is intimidating, this is destructive and it doesn’t solve anything,” he says. “It makes things worse because these kinds of behaviors erode relationships.”

OK, but how do you fight constructively then? With the help of some of the best relationship experts in the business, we put together a simple and straightforward guide to healthy fighting. Because all couples argue, but most could be arguing better.

Why couples fight

Couples fight because they are in close proximity and because, as Laurie Mintz, Ph.D., a  licensed psychologist, certified sex therapist and author of Becoming Cliterate, puts it, “We are two separate human beings trying to forge a connection and sometimes a life together.” And that shit is hard.

There are many reasons why we might find ourselves in conflict. “It might be when you find that you have a different point of view from your partner, or when you want them to do something they’re not willing to do,” Neves explains. “Most of the time, the arguments are over small things and it is usually when we feel vulnerable [or] insecure about ourselves for one reason or another.” 

Romantic relationships can bring out the best in us in so many ways, but they can also trigger deeper attachment wounds. How we interact with people we love is largely influenced by the ways in which we experienced relationships and attachment as children and throughout our lives — and so is the way we fight.

“If we have insecure attachment styles, getting involved in a close relationship may trigger our attachment [systems],” says Nazanin Moali, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and sex and relationship expert. “Oftentimes people manage more distanced relationships by avoiding conflicts; however, when we are in closer relationships, we may not have a choice other than facing the issues.” 

Hence, we fight.

Fighting the healthy way (yes, it’s possible)

Now that we know why we fight, we can figure out the best ways to fight in order to not completely destroy each other and/or our relationships.

Lucy Rowett, a certified sex and relationships coach, says that it’s always best to stay with “I” statements, rather than “You” statements. This means avoiding statements like “You always/You never” and instead saying, “I feel like you don’t do X.” 

Neves expands on this idea: “Constructive fighting is taking responsibility for your opinions and feelings and not blaming the other [person], but making more of a statement for yourself: ‘When you don’t wash the dishes, I feel hurt because I enjoy a clean kitchen. It is important for me to share tasks in order to feel respected. If I cook, I would like you to wash the dishes.’ Compared to: ‘You haven’t done the dishes yet again, you’re useless.’” Basically, the blame game just makes us defensive and that is not productive.

When having an argument, it comes down to priorities. Constructive fighting is about problem solving and sharing feelings, not making the other person feel like shit about themselves. “Real intimacy isn’t the absence of conflict; it’s the recognition of conflict and the willingness to address it as a team when it arises,” Moali says. “It is important to address the ongoing issues in the relationship, but focus on resolving the problem instead of proving your partner wrong.”

Lastly, and this one might sting, Mintz says that even in the midst of a heated fight, you need to “remind yourself that this is a person you love and respect and work to find the grain of truth (there is always one) in what they are saying.” 

Firm, but fair. We’re all just trying to be heard, right?

Reconnecting after a fight (and moving forward together)

Once you’re finished with the blowout, it’s important to then find a post-combat, neutral place. Neves tells us that you should take some time, regroup and calm down before you attempt to reconnect.

Next, both parties need to take responsibility for their actions and be willing to apologize. Apologize “properly if you raised your voice and said something hurtful, and then start the conversation again in a calmer state,” Neves says. 

This is a grand time for physical affection — in whatever form works for you. Hugs, kisses, cuddles, etc. all help to get the oxytocin flowing and recreate intimate connection with those we love. “Then, you can choose what’s next together —  a walk, a movie, time alone, sex. There is no right or wrong — whatever works for both of you, individually and as a couple,” Mintz adds.

Safeguarding for future conflicts

The best way to safeguard is to first set “absolute limits.” Rowett tells us she recommends “that you make an agreement with each other when you’re both connected of what is absolutely off-limits when you are fighting, such as hurling anything at your partner that you know will hurt them or hit a pain point, because this can cause real damage to your relationship and you may not be able to rebuild trust.”

Neves suggests paying attention to these Big 4 Unhealthy Fight Red Flags.

1. Criticism

Sure, it’s perfectly fine to tell your partner if something they did upset you, but don’t point the finger of blame and try to tear them down. Instead “focus on the impact their behaviors [or] thoughts ha[ve] on you instead.” 

2. Defensiveness

Now, if you’re on the opposite side of this and you’re receiving feedback, “don’t jump [on] the defense straight away as it encourages more conflicts,” Neves says. “Instead, take a deep breath, try to understand their point of view and invite them for brainstorming to resolve the issue together.”

3. Contempt

Contempt arises when you genuinely believe that you are superior to your partner. “Whether it is better at doing some tasks, or more emotionally intelligent or have higher intellect, whatever it is that you believe you’re better at, don’t,” Neves says. You might be better at some things than your partner, but they have their strengths too. “If you have contempt for your partner, this builds resentment over time, and this is very toxic for a relationship.”

4. Stonewalling

If your partner does something that pisses you off, don’t shut down or blow them off. These kinds of counterproductive reactions only fuel anger and resentment. “If it is not the right time for you to have an argument, just tell your partner that you’re not ready for it and that you commit to address the issues later, when it’s more convenient,” Neves says.

At the end of the day, everyone fights. We just need to have the emotional maturity to understand why we’re fighting and to be able to apologize and take responsibility where it’s needed. We all want beautiful, healthy, happy relationships, and they start with taking steps to engage in conflict in a positive way.

Complete Article HERE!

Gay Couples Can Teach Straight People a Thing or Two About Arguing

Same-sex couples, on average, resolve conflict more constructively than different-sex couples, and with less animosity, studies have shown.

By

Elana Arian and Julia Cadrain, a same-sex couple in Brooklyn, recently fought about a hat.

OK, it wasn’t really about the hat. (It never is.)

Cadrain likes things tidy. Really tidy. To the point where it annoys her entire family.

“I put things away while they’re still using them,” she admitted.

So when Cadrain found one of Arian’s favorite hats lying around, she promptly scooped it up, but neglected to store it properly. Arian later discovered her hat had accidentally been crushed.

“I was irrationally so angry about that,” Arian said.

They took a long walk, and had an honest, calm conversation. Soon, they realized that Arian’s frustration was actually about something deeper.

“One of the things that came up was this stress that we’re both under as a result of the quarantine,” Cadrain, 37, said. The couple is caring for their 9-month-old daughter while also guiding their 7-year-old daughter through distance learning. Arian, 39, a freelance musician, is working much less than she typically would. They had each been coping with this in different ways.

“It feels like a very lesbian way to fight. There’s definitely never any yelling. There’s no voice-raising,” Cadrain said. “It’s more kind of tense and quiet and sort of process heavy.”

But is there really a lesbian way to fight? Or a way to address conflict that is specific to gay men? While there is not much research to draw from, the studies that do exist suggest that, on average, same-sex couples resolve conflict more constructively than different-sex couples, and with less animosity.

There are always exceptions, and even the healthiest of gay couples are not continually basking in a rainbow-hued utopia. They have problems just like everyone else.

If they did not, “I’d be out of business,” said Rick Miller, a psychotherapist in Boston who works with gay and straight couples.

Likewise, it is unfair to lump all straight couples together, and disingenuous to suggest that they are not capable of arguing in a healthy way.

But because male and female same-sex couples each have different strengths that help them endure, we can all learn from them, Miller said.

Here are some constructive methods to handle disagreements, as observed by researchers of gay couples:

Use humor to diffuse anger

Cracking a joke in the midst of a heated moment can backfire, but when done properly, “it almost immediately releases the tension,” said Robert Rave, 45, who lives with his husband, David Forrest, in Los Angeles.

Rave cited a recent car trip where Forrest, 35, used humor to help end an escalating argument over whether they should rely on Google Maps.

“For me, as a general rule, I self-admittedly will get very much in my head. And David will just simply take the piss out of it and make me laugh,” Rave said.

A 2003 study compared 40 same-sex couples with 40 heterosexual couples over the course of 12 years to learn what makes same-sex relationships succeed or fail. The findings suggested that same-sex couples tended to be more positive when bringing up a disagreement and were also more likely to remain positive after a disagreement when compared to heterosexual couples.

“Gay and lesbian couples were gentler in raising issues, far less defensive, and used more humor than heterosexual partners,” said John M. Gottman, Ph.D., the lead author of the study and co-founder of the Gottman Institute, an organization that provides resources, like workshops and online courses, to help couples strengthen relationships and offers professional training to clinicians. “These were large differences.”

Stay calm

If you find that your heart is pounding during an argument, take a break, said Julie S. Gottman, Ph.D., co-founder and president of the Gottman Institute.

“During the time when you’re apart don’t think about the fight. Instead, practice something self-soothing, like reading a book, something distracting so that your body can calm down,” she said.

But if you need to leave, you should always say when you are going to come back and rejoin the conversation, she said, adding that the minimum amount of time away should be 30 minutes and the maximum should be 24 hours.

Gay men were less likely to go into fight-or-flight mode when they were in conflict, said the Gottmans, who are married, and they also reach resolutions more quickly than different-sex couples.

Treating your partner with respect is always important, but especially during an argument when you might say things you’ll later regret. When you’re heart is racing, “all you perceive is attack, no matter what your partner is saying,” Dr. Julie Gottman said.

And that’s exactly why Rave and Forrest try to end an argument quickly.

“Life is too short to have everything be so dramatic,” Rave said.

A 2018 study suggested that when members of a same-sex couple try to influence one another, they are more likely to offer encouragement and praise rather than criticism or lectures when compared to different-sex couples.

Be mindful of each other’s emotional needs

Unlike gay men, women who are married to women are “constantly monitoring each other’s emotions and needs and responding to them — but they are doing it for each other, so it’s reciprocated,” said Debra Umberson, Ph.D., a professor of sociology and the director of the Population Research Center at the University of Texas at Austin.

Two men, in contrast, do less monitoring, which is less labor-intensive.

“They’re on the same page about it,” said Dr. Umberson, who has studied gay couples for more than a decade. Two men will tell each other what they need or speak up when there is an issue.

If a couple has similar philosophies about emotional monitoring, there is less potential for conflict between them, Dr. Umberson said.

In heterosexual couples, women are the ones who tend to do emotional monitoring and responding, but the men tend to be unaware of it and often are not doing it, she added — and that can negatively affect the couple by making them feel more frustrated, worried, irritable or upset.

Dr. Umberson’s latest study, published in May, examined the psychological toll of providing for the emotional needs of a spouse. The researchers found that the well-being of women married to women seemed to be affected less by the work of assessing and managing each other’s emotions than that of women married to men. Earlier research suggests this could be because lesbians are more reciprocal in taking care of a spouse’s emotional needs and also have a greater appreciation for doing so.

Strive for equality in your relationship

Same-sex couples do not have traditional societal roles defining which tasks each member of the couple ought to perform at home or how they ought to relate to one another, which allows them to create their own dynamic.

Straight couples should negotiate and discuss things more, Cadrain suggested, and “don’t presume certain roles or jobs in terms of who is the breadwinner or how the household is taken care of.”

Although Arian cannot remember the last time she made the bed, she has other responsibilities, like being the chef of the family — or as Cadrain calls her, “C.E.O. of the food and the nourishment.” And because Arian was a teacher for many years, she is responsible for distance learning and staying on top of their 7-year-old’s schooling.

They do not typically fight about chores, the couple said, because they try to divide them based on what they like to do best or which of them is best positioned to complete a task.

“I suspect that has to do with gender roles not being present,” Arian said.

In heterosexual couples, researchers have found more of a power difference between members of the couple than among same-sex couples, Dr. John Gottman said.

“The same-sex couples we studied were very aware to try to make the power relationships more equal between them,” he said.

And if members of a same-sex couple disagree, they are more likely to listen to one another’s point of view, he added.

The Gottmans’ 2019 study, an assessment of more than 40,000 couples worldwide who were about to begin couples therapy, found that same-sex couples have a better quality of intimacy and friendship in their relationships.

Recognize and appreciate your differences

Each person brings their own baggage and their own way of looking at the world, Miller said.

“Really appreciating those differences and similarities and figuring out how to deal with it together — that’s what makes a healthy couple. And that goes across all borders, groups and genders,” he added.

Cadrain and Arian, for example, said they tried to be mindful of each other’s different communication styles.

“I tend to kind of under-communicate when I’m upset,” said Arian, who said she has a temper but often becomes restrained and terse during arguments. “I’m not proud of it.”

Cadrain, however, likes to talk things out — sometimes before Arian is ready. Simply being aware of their differences helps them manage conflicts when they arise.

Rave and Forrest are also different in a lot of ways: Forrest likes to go out and be social; Rave is more of a homebody. This has been a point of contention in their relationship.

“Allowing space for the person to be themselves is so important, and not shaming that person into what you want them to be,” Forrest said.

Finally, when thinking about your differences, try not to focus too much on the negative.

“Look for what your partner is doing right rather than always looking for what your partner is doing wrong,” Dr. Julie Gottman said.

Complete Article HERE!

Is Quarantining Bringing Out The Worst In Your Relationship?

Here Are Five Communication Strategies.

By Meggen Taylor

For the last thirty years, Paula Heartland, who is a Certified International Life CoachReichian Mind-Body Counselor, Hypnotist, Nonviolent Communications Instructor, and a certified member of the United States Association for Body Psychotherapists has been helping women and couples communicate productively. “I’m a relationship and communication coach,” Heartland tells me. “For the last three decades, I have been helping people in various life stages looking to shift from the inside out.”

So what does healthy communication look like, especially during the pandemic?

“Healthy communication is the same in and out of this pandemic,” explains Heartland. “It occurs when there is a willing speaker who is free to share their feelings, wants, and needs with a willing and empathetic listener who is confident in their own feelings, wants and needs.” Heartland acknowledges that this definition is the goal that many of us have to work hardest at. “Most of us were raised by parents who used persuasion, dominance, rewards, and various other means of control to get us to do what they wanted or thought we should do. We learned to deny to varying degrees our autonomous thoughts, feelings, and needs to get along.”

The two ways that unhealthy communication rears its head Heartland explains is when needs are not being expressed, met, or when individuals become demanding. “The intense stress living under this blanket of fear from the coronavirus that’s forcing physical closeness offers no usual escape valve like going to work, meetings, or classes. The pressure is great. Renegotiating needs for space, closeness, work, chores, and play is huge. We’re still undergoing shock and in shock we don’t think well. The emotional centers in our brains shut down,” says Heartland.

Heartland continues, “If a couple had what I call win-win negotiating capabilities before the virus, there is an opportunity for them to grow even closer. If prior to the pandemic their communication was unsatisfying and now is in a triggered state of uncertainty about the future—they will likely fight more without resolution, shut down more, they may even become abusive, addicted, and possibly break up. The outcome depends on how well the individuals can recognize what they need, ask for it, and see if their needs can be met by their partner without resentment.”

In terms of how this pandemic is wreaking havoc on couples, Heartland tells me that we all need to go easy in our thoughts. “We’re really still in shock. It’s important to not dwell too long on the thoughts that take us down. We want to minimize the potential of developing a pattern of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome that can linger after we’re free to move about again.”

Heartland’s advice for all couples, especially ones who aren’t getting along, is to communicate in a more structured format. Here are some of her top tips to keeping it civil and for both individuals to get what they need while connecting with their partner in a healthy way.

Stop The Blame Game

We have to learn how to use “I” statements instead of casting blame. When an individual wants to express dissatisfaction they should state how they feel followed by what their need is with the final step of making the request to fulfill the need. Some people get defensive and feel criticized, which is a function of not feeling comfortable or having unmet needs. If the blame game persists then it is time for both parties to take a time out.

The Rules For Time-Outs

Time-outs are an excellent tool. Both people must be free to call one. But it’s important to follow it with the promise to discuss the issue at another specified time—that could be five minutes, an hour, or a day. The important thing is for both people to go to their respective corners to calm down. They need to be able to kindly ask themselves why do they want what they want. What need is it that they are trying to have met and can this need be delivered as a request rather than a demand? When the couple reunites, they need to listen to one another intently and to share what needs weren’t met more honestly and respectfully. If an apology is necessary then simply apologize for the hurtful behavior rather than make excuses.

Talk/Listen Structure

When couples come to me with tensions, distance, and pain—this is a time for structured communication to safely understand and resolve the problem. I teach them how to do a Talk/Listen style of structured communication to break through to the deeper feelings and needs. 

Here is the Talk/Listen Structure that I suggest:

1. Speaker Requests a time to be heard.

    Listener agrees and sets when and for how many minutes they’re willing to listen. 

    3-5 minutes is a good amount of time.

2. Speaker speaks for the agreed upon time.

    Listener listens without interruption. 

3. When Speaker finishes,  Listener repeats back verbatim what they heard. 

    Speaker corrects any missing points.

4. Speaker requests one of three specific actions for Listener to do.

5. Listener agrees to do one of the requests and follows through to the best of their ability.

6. The communication ends with some form of physical touch; hand holding, a hug, pinkie swear, whatever feels right.

7. Communication that follows is kept light and polite. Further discussion if needed is arranged for another time.  

Non-sexual Intimacy

Due to the added stress some couples may find themselves with decreased libidos. But, that doesn’t mean intimacy needs to stop. Non-sexual contact is important. It is often said that foreplay is everything we do in between intercourse! What this means is we hug our partner during the day, we compliment them, we smile when they walk into the room, we hold hands, and we seek to make them happy. If sex has left the relationship for too long, I suggest various non-sexual exercises, and later sexual ways of relating that can help reignite this relationship. 

Set Up Weekly Meetings To Discuss The Relationship

For relationships to be happy and healthy, they require attention to thrive. I suggest a weekly get together to check in with one another. It’s like a scheduled board meeting, but one to strengthen your partnership. It’s a time to talk about the good things that happened that week as well as the areas that could use some attention.

Complete Article HERE!

Is it healthy to have make-up sex?

There’s a longstanding joke that people in relationships like to argue with each other because the make-up sex is so good.

By Almara Abgarian

Similarly, many say that having angry sex (having sex before you’ve actually made up) is equally appealing, because it’s fuelled by a primal passion.

You just have to have each other, right there, right then – even if you’re furious with the other person.

There is likely some truth to it, but research around it has conflicting results.

For instance, a study from 2008 by Israel’s Bar Ilan University claimed that make-up sex is much better than plain friendly shagging, but another piece of research revealed that this works best when you’ve already made up on a psychological level (rather than having sex in the middle of a fight).

The physical reaction you have during make-up sex – feeling hornier and finding your lover extra attractive is actually your mind’s response to the ’emotional threat’ that it’s going through.

In other words, the possibility that you might break up with your partner is encouraging you to make up, while the sex brings you closer together.

But is this really the case?

Annabelle Knight, sex and relationship expert at Lovehoney, tells Metro.co.uk that make-up sex can be a good idea as it allows partners to reconnect, but if you’re regularly turning to sex to sort out arguments, it’s worth considering why – and if there are deeper, underlying issues (that a round in the sheets can’t fix).

‘There is nothing wrong with make-up sex as long as you are doing for the right reasons – emotionally reconnecting with a partner that you love and trust,’ said Annabelle Knight, sex and relationship expert at Lovehoney.

‘All couples row and make-up sex is a great way of getting over an argument. It can be especially exciting.

‘It is a reminder that even though you can hurt each [other], you are still there for each other.

‘The obvious danger with make-up sex is if you are in an abusive relationship.

‘You really need to look at the reasons why you are so often having make-up sex – because your partner’s unreasonable behaviour is causing too many rows. If that is the case, it is best to look at the fundamental flaws in the relationship and either address them or walk away.

‘Make-up sex is not going to paper over the cracks.’

If you’ve spent hours talking, shouting and fighting, sex can serve as a helpful break – letting you regroup, remember how much you love and care for each other and continue the fight in a settled manner afterwards.

It’s harder to be angry with someone when you’re cuddled up to them post-orgasm, full of happy endorphins.

The issue here, according to Pam Custers, who runs a psychotherapy clinic and specialises in relationship issues and couples counselling, is that men and women interpret sex in different ways.

‘Make-up sex can be powerful way to heal a rift,’ the psychotherapist, who is a Counselling Directory member, tells Metro.co.uk.

‘Make-up sex says that all is forgiven, but it can’t be used as a quick fix.

‘Generally speaking men tend to have sex in order to feel loved and women tend to have sex because they do feel loved. This is where make-up sex can fall down.

‘If the underlying cause for the discontent is not discussed and resolved no amount of make-up sex will build the bridge. Soon one person in the partnership will start to feel like there is something missing in the relationship.’

So, is there a better option? Yes – talking.

‘Sex is a form of communication but it can’t take the place of all types of communication. Talking and behaviour are key to a good relationship and no amount of make-up sex can take its place,’ Custers explains.

‘The ideal would be for good communication to resolve the issues so both parties feel heard and understood, then a way forward that is in the best interests of the relationship and then followed by intimacy that rekindles the loving feeling.’

It’s worth noting that sometimes both talking and sex are off the table.

If the anger is taking over, go for a walk, try to cool down and then sit down with your partner to hash out your issues afterwards instead. As they say, cooler heads prevail.

The danger in having make-up sex is that it may not have the same effect for both of you.

And if it doesn’t ‘work’, the sex could leave you feeling worse than you did before (both about the relationship and yourself), and now you might also question why sleeping with your partner doesn’t help resolve your issues.

Especially if others around you are constantly discussing how great make-up sex is.

Each relationship has its own kinks and quirks; if make-up sex works for both of you, and gives you that time to connect before looking at the bigger picture (why you were fighting in the first place), then go forth and shag.

For some people a lack of intimacy can also be the reason couples are in a tiff, and so the sex might help.

Just be safe and if you feel sex isn’t enough to resolve the matter, then it’s time for a chat with your partner.

Complete Article HERE!

Like Cats And Dogs

Name: Karen
Gender: Female
Age: 33
Location: Dorchester, MA
My marriage of 12 years has hit a real rocky patch. I know my husband loves me and I certainly love him and we both love our 3 kids dearly. It’s just that we (he and I) have been fighting like cats and dogs lately. Every discussion, not just about sex, turns into a huge dust-up. It’s getting us both down. I don’t know where to turn. I was reading about your counseling practice and wanted to ask if you thought couple’s counseling was worth our while. Unfortunately we live on the other side of the country, so we can’t see you. But I’d look around here for help it you thought it would help. Thanks.

Yeah, I think couple’s counseling might very well help, and it might even help a lot. It sounds like you have a bank of good will eye_contact_cartoongoin with your hubby. You guys still love each other. Maybe that’s a good enough and strong enough foundation to get you through this rough patch. But you’ll never know unless you invest some time and energy into getting to the bottom of what’s eating at you guys. A good counselor will be able to assist you with that.

It’s true; you are on the other side of the country from me, but we could still work together. The thing is, I kept hearing from folks like you, far-flung from my home base here in Seattle, so I decided to introduce a remote therapy option for those who can’t see me at my office. I now offer counseling and coaching sessions by phone or through Skype. For more information about this see the Therapy Available page in the header (under the heading About Dr Dick).

Regardless of where you find the help you are looking for, let me say from the outset; this intervention won’t be inexpensive, but no worthy endeavor ever is. Besides a good marriage is worth the investment, don’t you think? As you guys consider taking your problems to a professional, allow me to direct your attention to the CATEGORIES section in the sidebar. Search for the main category — Sex Therapy. Under that heading you will find the subcategory — “Fair Fight Training.” These postings and podcasts will help you begin working on your communication skills. In fact, if you guys can learn to fight fair, you will have gone a long distance to healing whatever ails you.fight1

Basically, this is what any good therapist will help you do. He/she ain’t gonna solve your problems for you, but she/he will teach you how to effectively communicate with each other, find solutions to your problems, and do so without battering one another to death in the process.

Most of us have really poor communication skills, if we have any skills at all. We generally fight first and ask questions later. We immediately get into a defensive posture, even before being attacked. We know how to manipulate, whine, or blame and “cover our own ass,” but that’s not communicating.

Effective communication begins with “EFFECTIVE LISTENING. ”

Here’s how I see it; even if we were to express our feelings, thoughts and opinions clearly and effectively that’s only half the task. Equally important is listening to and understanding what our partner communicates. If I’m too busy formulating my response to what my partner is saying, I’m not really listening to what’s being communicated. In fact, if I’m all balled up in preparing my defense, I may be missing the most important part of the message — the nonverbal cues coming from my partner. If I’m inside my own head, I have no resources available to decode or interpret the message coming from my partner, like through body language.effective-communication-cycle

In other words, effective communication only happens when both partners are able to receive, decipher, interpret and understand the full message coming from the other in precisely the way he/she intends it. This is a difficult skill to master, mostly because it means I have to put the interests of my partner before my own interests. And who among us can say we do that with ease?

Effective listening is dependent on being an active listener. Active listening is being genuinely interested in understanding what our partner thinks, feels and wants. An active listener is concerned with the full message coming from our partner — the verbal part as well as the nonverbal. I mean, think about it; sometimes we say one thing, but our body language says something quite different. So if I’m only attentive to the words I will surely miss the other, and possibly more important, non-verbal message coming from my partner.

When I listen actively I am more concerned with grasping what is being communicated than formulating my response. If I can accurately paraphrase my partner’s message as I receive it, as well as ask my partner for verification; then I’m on the right track. This verification or feedback process is what distinguishes active listening and makes it so effective.

When you practice this feedback method, try to:

  • Grasp the feelings or intent beyond the words.
  • Resist the impulse to immediately answer questions that come from your partner. Because questions are often not always questions; sometimes they’re rhetorical statements.
  • If you’re confused by what you hear, or you don’t understand what is being said, say so.
  • Acknowledge your partner’s feelings. If you hear anger, hurt, or fear let your partner know that’s what you hear.
  • Use eye contact and be conscious of his body language.
  • Be empathic and nonjudgmental.
  • Finally, thank your partner for entrusting his thoughts, feeling or whatever to you.

Good luck

Now Hear This!

Hey sex fans…foundation for sex positive culture

Particularly all you ladies and germs here in the Puget Sound area!

I want to invite you to a very special event taking place at The Foundation For Sex Positive Culture.

A workshop and book signing event with refreshments for The Gospel of Kink by me, Richard “Dr. Dick” Wagner, Ph.D., ACS.

When: 09/21/13  3PM to 4:30PM (formal presentation starts at 3:30pm)
Where: Annex
Who: Anyone 18+ with ID
Cost: $10
(No other CSPC discounts or AYCE cards applicable.)

Purchase Advance Tickets HERE  Enter discount code — E8F3Y — to get $5.00 off admission.

Book signing: 4:30pm – 5pm FREE

I will discuss the topic of my latest book: Building, Maintaining, and Deepening Kink Relationships Through Effective Communication. I will be joined by four of our favorite seasoned kinky, BDSM, and alt culture personalities (they contributed to the book) for a fun, lively, and stimulating panel discussion and Q&A. All we be on hand for a book signing afterward.

About the book:

  • The Gospel of Kink is a workshop in book form. Its innovative and interactive format presents the reader with numerous situations and dilemmas that arise as people embrace their kinkiness and integrate their eroticism into daily life.
  • The Gospel of Kink is on the cutting edge of the sex-positive and kink-aware movements. This workbook helps the reader break free from the painful silence the dominant culture imposes on alt culture and those of us on the sexual fringe.GOK small cover
  • The Gospel of Kink provides an opportunity to learn from people just like you. Its on-the-page workshop features a group of ten fictional characters who are your fellow participants. In addition, it includes a panel of actual seasoned kinky, BDSM, and alt culture practitioners who share their expertise and life experience with you.
  • The Gospel of Kink engages you with numerous exercises and homework. As a workshop participant, you will complete A Personal Alt Relationship Inventory, discuss the Essentials of Effective Communication, identify Tools and Techniques for Navigating Alt Relationship Conflicts, and learn how to Keep Things Fresh and Interesting.
  • The Gospel of Kink provides a safe and secure place for you to air your concerns without fear of being judged for how you live your life or with whom you choose to live it. You will learn within a framework of honesty, activity, alliance, support, and humor.
  • The Gospel of Kink is a workbook designed primarily for the modern kinkster, but not exclusively. Family, friends, healing and helping professionals, teachers, students, indeed anyone who wishes to further understand and better communicate with those they know on the sexual fringe, will benefit from this book.

About The Contributors

Samantha is a bisexual switch who has been a part of the SM and swinger communities for 12 years. Her favorite motto, which she uses for both worlds is, “If it isn’t fun, then why the fuck do it?”  Following in a tradition of her own creation, she would never claim to know the One True Way. And would not spend much time (let alone play) with anyone who would say such things.  She is an active volunteer and she has several causes (kinky and not) that she supports.

Byrdie is currently a student who is trying to find ways to recover from codependency in every aspect of her life including romantic relationships, friendships, and work. She says she is learning to tell the difference between her instincts and knee-jerk reactions to triggers. She’s also learning not to be so afraid of failure. As she says, she has just as much right to ask for things, speak out, act, and follow her dreams as anyone else.  Byrdie now says she is a hedonist. She wants what she wants when she wants it. She prefers primal play (punching, biting, scratching, growling) and deep thud sensations. And she has a fondness for Daddy/Girl play.  She identifies as someplace between bisexual, pansexual, and heteroflexible, and is working to improve trust and sensual intimacy with other women.  She is one of the earliest members of the Center for Sex Positive Culture. She is an avid attendee at culture-oriented workshops and is easing back into the social scene.  Most recently Byrdie initiated the Seattle edition of Mollena Williams’ “Know Your Negro,” a photography project intended to bring attention to the dearth of brown faces in the Kink/Leather world.

Jack Slash, aka Jack the Journeyman, has been a member of the Seattle Leather community since 1982, and a practitioner of S/M since 1974. Before the year 2002, he was known as “Dragon Xcalibur.”  He holds two past Leather titles: Seattle Leatherwomon 1988 and Seattle Leather Ambassador 1997. In the eighties and nineties, he was a member of the now disbanded Leather doo-wop singing group, The Sluts from Hell.  He teaches workshops, judges local and international contests on the West Coast, participates in local fund-raisers, and leads spirituality circles at Queer Leather events since the 1980′s in Seattle, Portland, Vancouver, B.C. and San Francisco. Workshop presentations include-blood sports, branding, impact play, fear and terror, ritual sacrifice, and honeybees.  He is a sought after speaker on the topic of S/M and gender fluidity within the Leather community. As part of a group of community elders he often shares his perspective on the Pacific Northwest Leather history.  Jack says that S/M has informed his life and his personal spiritual path for more than thirty years bringing him lifelong friendships, great enlightenment, and much joy and pleasure.

Kristen Knapick, MA, LMHCA, is a psychotherapist in private practice in Seattle. She specializes in working with those for whom kink/poly/sex work/queerness/gender variance are a part of life whether the source of a problem or not. Her nearly 20 years of experience as a member of all of these communities gives her a unique, non-judgmental perspective on mental health within them, and her professional training has sharpened her skills.  Kristen has presented material at Babeland, Powersurge, Living in Leather, The Center for Sex Positive Culture, Women In Kink, and Gender Odyssey. She has organized professional trainings for mental health providers on polyamory and BDSM, and created a research project to explore the aging of the transgender community and the ways in which our current system is unprepared for assisting these trailblazers. Currently, Kristen is working to raise awareness and visibility for the needs of trans/gender-nonconformists, sex workers, and kinky and/or polyamorous people within the mental health system.

First Week of Autumn 2012 Q&A Show — Podcast #347 — 09/24/12

[Look for the podcast play button below.]

Hey sex fans,

It’s time for another Q&A show. This time around, I have a really great bunch of correspondents who share their sex and relationship concerns with us. And I go out of my way to make my responses informative, enriching and maybe even a little entertaining.

  • Joy is unhappy because her BF is into the meth and now their sex life is in the toilet.
  • AH said something really terrible to his GF while he was drunk, now he’s paying the price.
  • Then I riff on a handful of effective communication techniques.
  • Reba says her 6-year-old son is a nancy-boy. I put her straight and tell her to visit this site.
  • Jackson got himself a dose of the clap, and now he has to tell all his lady friends.
  • Tammy wants some help with greening her sex life.

Today’s podcast is bought to you by: Dr Dick’s Sex Advice and Dr Dick’s Sex Toy Review.

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously, or just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Fighting Fair — a Tutorial

I have just the thing for all you folks out there who are in a relationship. If you’re like every other couple I know, you have your share of tension. And let’s face it—tension leads to fighting. And fighting, if not done fairly, can lead to hurting your partner—even if that’s not your intention.

Here are Cheryl and Vern; they have a problem:

Doc,
We’ve been married for 11 years and have two great kids, ages 4 and 7. We both have full-time jobs, so family life is at a premium. Lately we’ve hit a rough patch and we seem to be fighting more than usual. We still love each other very much, but the sniping and bitchiness is getting us down. I know this is not specifically a sex question, but do you know how we could cut down on all this bickering or make it so we don’t lose it with each other?

Every relationship has its bones of contention. And it’s natural and healthy to want to hash things out. I think it’s so much better to get things out in the open, rather than let them fester all bottled up inside. Of course, there is a danger of exploding and letting things just fly in every direction. Someone is liable to get hurt. But if you give your venting some structure—fair fighting technique, for example—you’ll be more likely to get your point across with out bludgeoning one another.

First thing—we tend to fight more when we’re irritable. Stress and sleep deprivation make us cranky. And from the sound of it, you guys are definitely stressed, if not also sleep deprived. Your lifestyle is setting you up for confrontation. So no amount of fair fight training is gonna make a difference until there’s some change in your lifestyle. In fact, I suggest that you not even attempt to embrace these techniques if you’re not serious about integrating them into your lifestyle. It would be like committing to non-violence while you’re stocking up on guns and ammo.

Let’s take a look at some of the basics. The way you word a complaint will make a big difference. For instance, avoid “you” statements as much as possible. “You” statements tend to make your partner feel like he/she is to blame. “You make me angry.” “You don’t trust me.” “You’re not making sense.” “You never take the time to compliment me anymore.” “You are always to busy for me and my needs.”

I suggest that you use “I” statements instead. “I” statements reflect the way you feel. “I feel angry when I hear things like that.” “I want you to trust me.” “I don’t understand what you are saying.” “I don’t hear compliments from you anymore.” “I feel like I’m not important to you anymore.”

You see how in the first instance, the “you” statements blame your partner. They also assume he/she should know better, and that they’re doing this to you on purpose. The problem with assumptions like these is they only make things worse. They also put your partner in a defensive posture. “No, I didn’t.” “That ridiculous.” “I am, too!” “You’ve got to be kidding.”

In the second instance the “I” statements are more open-ended. They invite a response without putting your partner on the defensive. This is also a useful way of soliciting your partner’s feedback. “I’m not trying to make you angry.” “I want to trust you too, but how can I?” “Let me put it another way.” “I know I should try harder to compliment you.” “I’m so swamped; I have a difficult time prioritizing everything these days.”

Another basic to fighting fair is giving concrete examples of what you are talking about. Let’s say you’re talking about money matters. That’s always a big bugaboo in any relationship. Use “I” statements along with an example: “I felt like you just blew off the family budget when you made that purchase. I know you were thinking of the whole family when you bought it. It’s just I would really like some input on major expenditures like this. How are we going to adjust the budget for next month to pay for this?”

You see how the concrete example demonstrates your concern without clobbering your partner? You also suggested that you understood why the thing happened. And, most importantly, you offer a solution—that the two of you pull together as a team to resolve the budget crisis.

You know how sometimes you know exactly what you want to say, but it doesn’t come out right? This is more likely to happen in the heat of an argument. To short-circuit this dangerous hazard, I suggest that before either of you launches into a tirade against the other, you take the time to plan out what you want to say. Jot down some notes, bullet points, if you will. This, of course, also creates a natural cooling off period. The goal of fighting fair is to make the situation better, not worse.

If you guys are prone to fighting, I suggest that you take a cue from those in the kink community. In negotiating a BDSM scene, the participants always agree on a safeword before the scene begins. This safeword is a word that will be out of the context in the scenario, or in your case the argument. This safe word is used when someone is reaching his/her limit in the scene, or in your case, when your fight is veering toward emotional violence.

For example, let’s say you guys decide on the word “pickle.” You find yourself in a spat; things are heating up. You are dangerously close to saying some very hurtful things, things you know you will regret later. This is the time to employ the safe word. Or, let’s say, you are being browbeaten and harangued and you feel emotionally vulnerable. You don’t want to react or turn up the volume, so you use the safe word. If you commit to a safe word and one of you uses it and the other one ignores it, then that person is not only breaking the rules of fighting fair, he or she is guilty of domestic violence. And that ought never be tolerated. Get it? Got it? Good!

Here are some other things to consider when structuring your arguments so as not to devastate your partner. The time to commit to fighting fair must happen before there is a row. So I suggest that you sit down one quiet evening and pound out your own guidelines. You’ll also need to give these rules teeth. If there are no consequences for breaking an agreed upon rule, then what’s the point?

1. Pick the right time and place for the fight. Don’t bring up problems when you don’t have time to talk about them (like right before you or your partner has to leave for work). Don’t fight when you’re drinking. If things are coming to a head, but there’s no time for a fair fight, commit to a concrete time later to take on the issue. Be sure you honor that commitment and not just avoid the fight.

2. State your feelings honestly, without sarcasm or insults. Jot down the points you want to make. Delete anything that is intended to hurt or humiliate your partner.

3. Stick to the issue at hand. Don’t go bringing up things that happened in the past, even to make your point.

4. Fair fighting is not about placing blame. It’s about solving problems.

5. Stick to “I” statements and stay away from “you” statements.

6. Avoid words like “always” and “never.” “You always do that.” “I never get what I need.” This will help you avoid criticizing your partner’s entire personality.

7. Don’t mind-read. If you don’t know how your partner feels or what he/she thinks, then ASK.

8. Incorporate positive statements and compliments along with your complaints. Make a sandwich: complaint—compliment—criticism. Like this: “You’re a lying sonofabitch!” “I love your shoes!” “You should eat shit and die!”

Okay, I’m kidding on the last part up. But you could say something like: “I sometimes feel so alone. I know you’re trying to be more present. Is there any way we can work it that we have more quality time together, to love and nurture one another?” This sandwich technique will soften the blow of any complaint and your partner will be less defensive.

Remember, you are not alone. All couples have their share of problems. No couple will see eye to eye on everything. But if you know how to fight fair when fighting is called for, you’ll be able to structure your arguments so that you can resolve the issues without damaging your partner’s ego.

Good luck!