Category: Effective Communication

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How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner

By Sheri Stritof

Problems with sex and sexual satisfaction can cause relationship and marital distress.1 Even though it is a common problem, talking about sex with your partner can be daunting. Sharing issues with strangers online might even feel easier for you than discussing them directly with your partner, which might explain why sex is so commonly discussed in online relationship forums.

These conversations can produce significant anxiety, which can cause you to avoid them altogether. Knowing a few strategies can make them easier, however, and you’re likely to find “the sex talk” worth the effort.

Reasons to Talk About Sex With Your Partner

Research has found that couples who have strong sexual communication are more satisfied with their sex lives.2 If you’re experiencing issues with your sex life, talking frankly about them with your partner might improve your sex life and your relationship.

Open communication can lead to greater feelings of intimacy and a stronger relationship. In fact, talking honestly with your partner might increase your overall satisfaction with your relationship.3

Important Topics to Discuss

Sex-related topics you should talk about with your partner might include:

  • Change in libido
  • Desire to try something new
  • Family planning
  • Feelings of sexual rejection or always having to initiate sex
  • Lack of intimacy or need for more affection
  • Lack of sexual satisfaction
  • Sexual dysfunction

Talking About Safe Sex

Practicing safe sex is crucial, especially if your relationship is open to others. Ask your partner if they’ve used condoms and other safety measures when engaging with other sexual partners. Likewise, be honest about your own practices. If either of you hasn’t practiced safe sex, discuss appropriate testing for everyone involved.

Between exclusive partners in a monogamous relationship, raising this issue can be especially difficult if it raises questions of fidelity. If you have engaged in any kind of sexual activity with someone else or suspect that your partner has, it’s time for a frank, if difficult, conversation and testing.

Talking About Your Desires

Your comfort level is an important part of having a satisfying sex life. Your partner can’t read your mind, so telling them what you want and need can enhance the sexual experience for both of you. Discuss what makes you feel aroused and desired. If your partner is falling short of your expectations, communicate this gently and constructively, and offer ideas you think might help.

Try talking about your sexual fantasies. This might be difficult at first but bear in mind that everyone has them, and they tend to fall into a few common categories. Being vulnerable in this way can increase the intimacy between you and your partner and might even lead to some new ideas for sexual activities.

When You Don’t Want Sex

Libido can change from one day to the next, and sometimes, two people simply don’t align in their level of sexual desire. When you would rather not engage, remember to communicate with your partner honestly and sensitively.

If low or mismatched libido is a recurring problem that is causing problems in your relationship, consider consulting a healthcare provider or counselor for advice. There are many variables to consider when it comes to sex drive including your physical and mental health.

When to Talk About Sex

There is a time and place to discuss sex with your partner. Waiting for the right moment to address the topic can help you get around some of those feelings of discomfort or awkwardness that can be common during sex talks. You should also:

  • Pick a neutral location. Don’t talk about sexual problems in your bedroom or at bedtime. Pick a neutral location that’s private and comfortable for both of you.
  • Avoid post-sex talks. Don’t talk about sex-related problems right after having sex. Wait for a time when you can be more objective and removed from the topic at hand.
  • Avoid blindsiding your partner. If you want to talk about sexual problems, let your partner know (without placing blame) that you think the two of you need to talk. Set a time and a place, and think about what you’d like to discuss beforehand.

How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner

Here are some strategies for making conversations about sex easier for both of you.

Start Slowly

Have a “soft start” to the conversation. Begin with your goal to feel closer and connected with your partner. Avoid blaming. Skip criticism, and focus on things you both can do to make your sex life more fulfilling.

Focus on Intimacy

Remember that affection and intimacy are just as important as frequency.4 Look into ways to build intimacy and feel more connected beyond intercourse, and talk about your needs for other types of affection and attention, too.

Skip the Surprises

You should both be on the same page, so initiate these conversations before springing any surprises on your partner. Talk about what you both might enjoy and fantasies you have. If you do decide to introduce some of these into your relationship, research your options together.

To avoid creating problems in your sex life, don’t purchase sex advice books or sex toys without discussing the issue with your partner first.

Express Yourself

Talk with one another about expectations, fears, desires, and concerns—and be honest. Share your innermost thoughts and feelings regarding your sexual relationship, and help your partner feel emotionally safe enough to do the same.

Talk Often

The “sex talk” is not a one-time conversation; it should be an ongoing discussion and a normal part of your relationship. Needs and desires can change over time. Check in with your partner often.

Understand Your Sexual Style

Knowing your sexual style can help you understand which forms of intimacy you find the most satisfying—and the same rings true for your partner. Explore your sexual styles with one another. All couples have these styles or moods at some point.

  • Spiritual: This is a union of mind, body, and soul that reflects your deep appreciation of being with one another. Noticing the small moments in your lives can enhance your spiritual connection.
  • Funny: Laughing and teasing one another in bed is about having fun together. There is a light and playful undertone.
  • Angry: Making love even when you’re ticked off at each other can be healing. However, be sure to address the issues eventually.
  • Lusty: This style is wicked and flirty. You might give each other seductive looks or have quick sex in an unusual setting. This is about the joy and physicality of having sex.
  • Tender: This style is the gentle, romantic, healing sex that may involve massages, light touches, and ministering to one another. You both are into the physical sensations and focus on giving each other pleasure.
  • Fantasy: With this style, the two of you collaborate to be daring and experiment a bit. If you incorporate your fantasies into sexual activity with your partner, set guidelines and honor each other’s limits.

If you and your partner have different sexual styles, open and honest communication can help. Talking through your differences can help you understand and address the differences, ensuring that you both feel satisfied. You and your partner might also consider sex therapy if you need help.

A Word From Verywell

“Good lovers are made, not born,” as the saying goes. If you truly want your sexual relationship to be all that it can be, take the time to talk with one another

Engaging in regular communication is an important component of any great relationship—and that includes talking about sex.5 This conversation is necessary for all couples, and it isn’t a one-time event. It’s something you and your partner should take part in regularly from the beginning of your relationship on. A healthy sex life is a great gift, and it’s to be enjoyed and nurtured.

Frequently Asked Questions

  • How do you talk to your partner about pain during sex?

    If you’re experiencing dyspareunia (pain during sex), don’t suffer in silence. Be honest and open with your partner. Seek medical help to determine the cause. Your comfort is important, and a good sexual partner should be understanding and supportive.

  • How do you talk about sex without it being awkward?

    The more frequently you discuss sex with your partner, the less awkward it will be. Remember that your partner can’t read your mind and might be relieved when you express what’s on yours. Choose a neutral place free of distraction and interruptions, and avoid criticism.

  • How do you talk about sex problems with your partner?

    Approach it as you would any other problem in your relationship. Be sensitive to your partner’s feelings and avoid criticism. Choose a neutral place and a time when you won’t be interrupted so both of you feel safe and can be as open as possible. Couples therapy can also provide a safe space to talk about sexual issues.

  • How do you talk about sex with a potential marriage partner?

    If your partner seems interested in marriage, it’s important to discuss expectations regarding sex. It’s a big component of a healthy marriage for most people, and knowing what’s important to your partner can build intimacy. Start slowly, choose a neutral place where you won’t be interrupted, and be sensitive to your partner’s feelings. You may also choose to try pre-marital counseling, which can be a safe, supportive place to discuss sex for some couples.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How To Make The First Move Without Forgetting Consent

(Spoiler: It’s Not Hard)

By Kasandra Brabaw

For straight men and women, the sexual script has generally gone like this: Boy likes girl; boy asks girl out; boy makes the first move. That’s always been less-than-ideal (not to mention, limiting). In the #MeToo conversation, though, it feels more out of touch than ever. But, as is the case with most social movements, rhetoric comes faster than actual change. Many men feel as if they’re still expected to be the sexual aggressors, whether that means asking someone out, leaning in for a kiss, or escalating a makeout session into sex.

As one man wrote in a Reddit post shortly after the Aziz Ansari allegations came to light: “I don’t know where the line is between complimenting and harassing, or a proposition and misconduct. I absolutely don’t want to push myself on anybody or be where I’m not wanted, but there’s also a substantial amount of reliance on men to initiate everything from saying ‘hi’ to asking for a date.”

Honestly, it’s a lesson everyone — regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation — should be learning, and one that’s probably more straightforward than it seems. Yet, in the Sahara desert that is sex education in the U.S., people aren’t learning what consent really is. (Hint: It should be more enthusiastic than “no means no.”)

So, we found experts to break down how all people can make the first move and still be mindful of consent. Lesson number one: The best way to know if someone wants to have sex with you is to ask. Read on for the rest of their tips.

#MeToo has raised the voices of women who’ve been sexually assaulted or harassed — and that’s not just great, it’s revolutionary. So, where does that leave men? To help answer that question, Refinery29 is providing actionable advice for men who want to be allies.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What to know about mismatched sex drives

People in a relationship may differ in how much sex they want. Mismatched sex drives are common but may cause a strain in a relationship if the couple does not learn to manage their differences

by Rachel Ann Tee-Melegrito

Every couple experiences situations where one person’s sexual needs do not align with their partner’s. These situations are called sexual interdependence dilemmas.

Mismatched sex drives, or sex drive discrepancy (SDD), is the most common of these situations.

A 2017 study even found that around 34% of women and 15% of men report having no interest in sex at all.

This article explores mismatched sex drives, what causes the issue, how it can affect relationships, and what couples can do to manage the situation.

Sex drive is the motivation or desire to behave sexually or engage in sexual activities.

Also called libido, sexual desire is an aspect of a person’s sexuality. It varies from person to person. There is no such thing as a normal sex drive. People’s interest in and desire for sex is different and may change over time.

Sex drive mismatch is when one person experiences more or less sexual desire compared with their partner.

Author and researcher Emily Nagoski notes two types of sexual desire in her book.

Spontaneous sexual desire

As the name implies, this form of desire happens randomly, with or without stimulation. This desire supports the linear view of sexuality that begins with desire, followed by excitement, finally leading to orgasm.

Nagoski states that around 70% of men have this type of sexual desire while only about 10–20% of women do.

Responsive sexual desire

Some people experience desire as a response to mental or physical stimulation, not from the anticipation of it. Compared with spontaneous desire, responsive sexual desire is more deliberate.

It occurs after an external stimulus, such as watching a kissing scene on television or a partner touching them. This causes a person to feel a desire for sex.

People’s sex drives tend to wax and wane. Many factors can affect sex drive.

Medical factors

Conditions that affect a person’s hormones, including pregnancy and menopause, can cause changes in a female’s libido.

Similarly, males produce less testosterone as they age, which can cause a decline in their sex drives.

Some may have conditions that indirectly affect libido, such as depression. Hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) is when a person lacks the desire or motivation to have sex.

Taking certain medications such as beta-blockers and antidepressants can also negatively affect a person’s libido.

Aside from medical reasons, other factors can affect a sex drive of a person in a long-term relationship, as outlined in a 2018 systematic reviewTrusted Source.

Individual factors

These are factors that reside within the person that can affect sex drive. The following may cause sex drive to change over time:

  • level of attraction
  • understanding among couples that sexual desires fluctuate
  • feelings of having a separate identity from the couple’s identity
  • self-esteem and confidence

Stress and fatigue may negatively impact sex drives.

Interpersonal factors

These are factors that exist within the context of long-term relationships. They include:

  • the couple’s responsiveness to each other
  • perceived compatibility
  • communication
  • relationship satisfaction

The 2018 reviewTrusted Source also mentioned that sexual desire decreases as the relationship lengthens, but this was only true for women. Emotional intimacy also increases desire, and higher levels of intimacy reduce the likelihood of having low desire.

Monotony and being overfamiliar with a partner dampen sexual desire.

Societal factors

These are societal influences that affect a couple’s sexual desire. These include gender expectations, expectations for couples to participate equally in the relationship, and sexual attitudes that people may consider taboo.

When people do not address mismatched sex drives, it may lead to an unpleasant relationship dynamic.

Partners with high sex drives who repeatedly experience rejection may develop low self-esteem and resentment toward their partners, while the people with low sex drives may feel guilty, overwhelmed, and pressured.

A 2015 study suggests that sex drive discrepancy negatively affects sexual and relational satisfaction. However, these outcomes might be more pronounced in people in long-term relationships compared with those in short-term ones.

Low sexual satisfaction seems to have a compounding effect on overall satisfaction. While high sexual satisfaction reported by couples contributes to 15–20%Trusted Source of their overall satisfaction, reports of low sexual satisfaction in couples contribute to 50–70%Trusted Source of their overall satisfaction.

Couples can consider several tips and strategies to reduce the discrepancy and improve their sex lives.

Be comfortable talking about sex

While sex can be a sensitive subject, especially when there is a mismatch in libido, talking about it is essential. Respectfully communicating about each other’s feelings, insecurities, desires, and the reason for the low desire can lead to a better understanding of the issue.

Be understanding

Even if a partner does not understand the other person’s experience or situation, showing empathy through validation, listening, and withholding judgment can help couples navigate the mismatch better.

Having a safe space where couples can freely talk about their differences without being critical or defensive can help rekindle the spark.

Make compromises

Sometimes, some people are just not as sexual as their partners. A person with low libido can meet their partner halfway by still engaging in sex despite having a low sex drive.

A 2015 study found that partners with high communal strength or those who are motivated to care about and be more responsive to their partners reported enhanced sexual and relationship satisfaction.

However, couples willing to compromise are not restricted to sex. They can also consider alternatives.

In a 2020 studyTrusted Source on couples’ strategies for dealing with differences in sexual desire, masturbation is the most common strategy reported by participants.

Other alternatives to penetrative sex include oral sex, manual stimulation, and using sex toys on each other. Couples can also engage in activities that may trigger desire, such as watching intimate movies together.

Redefine sex

Many couples think that sex is limited to penetration.

However, oral sex and mutual masturbation are alternatives to penetration that couples can enjoy.

Schedule it

Life is hectic. Scheduling sex can help couples plan and work around their schedules, so there are no competing demands to worry about.

Planning sex can help map out the best time when both people have the most energy. It can also help build anticipation and ensure that both are physically, emotionally, and mentally ready for sex.

Set the tone

While sexual intercourse lasts only for a few minutes, the events beforehand are just as important. Aside from kissing and touching, everything else that happens before sex is part of foreplay.

Making pleasure and satisfaction a part of their whole day can help people’s bodies prepare for sexual pleasure.

Driving a partner to work, preparing their food, having a thoughtful conversation, and giving them compliments are just some of the things couples can do to set the mood.

Certified therapists and counselors can help people and couples manage mismatched libidos.

Couples can locate a certified counselor or therapist near them through the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists’ (AASECT) referral directory.

Alternatively, the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists has over 15,000 marriage and family therapists for married couples who require help with their relationships.

Couples may also try online platforms such as ReGain to seek couples counseling.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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‘Start low, and go slow’

— how to talk to your partner about sex

‘Make time to talk away from the bedroom, when neither of you are rushed’

It might be awkward at first, but opening up about your needs and desires can transform your relationship

By

Sex is a life-affirming act, one of the most intimate things you can do with another person. But talking about it? So much harder. “You are much more vulnerable talking about sex than doing it,” says Justin Lehmiller, an academic who specialises in sex, love and relationships.

The good news is, at any stage in your life, you’ll be happier if you open up, say the experts – and your sex life will reap the benefits. As the sexual health charity the FPA advises: “By sharing your likes, dislikes and expectations, you can learn more about how to please each other.”

Bad communication about sex “is often a sign that you are communicating badly about everything,” says Krystal Woodbridge, a psychosexual and relationship therapist. “If a couple comes to me with a sexual problem, it’s rarely just about that one thing. For example, someone with low desire may have been harbouring 20 years of resentment about something else.”

Is talking about sex ever a bad idea? “It’s never good to complain about your partner’s performance,” says Cate Campbell, a therapist who specialises in relationship and psychosexual therapy. And always judge your partner’s comfort level, says Lehmiller. “Don’t bring up anything that might threaten them.”

So where do you start? Here are some tips on how to make your sex talk as helpful, productive and enjoyable as you can.

Get going straight away

It’s a good idea to start talking about sex early on in a relationship, says Lehmiller: the longer you wait, the harder it will become. “Establish trust and intimacy first with easier conversations, say about consent or contraception,” he says. “You can then move on to what feels good, and what doesn’t, and go from there.”

When it comes to sharing fantasies, “start low, and go slow”, he says. “Begin with some tame, vanilla fantasies to see how your partner responds. This will help build trust and intimacy. If you’re in a long-term relationship, you have time. Make sure you tell your partner what role they play in your fantasy, so they don’t feel excluded or threatened.”

… but it’s never too late to start

“If years or decades have gone by without a couple really talking about sex, I often suggest an amnesty,” says Woodbridge. “I tell them, forget everything that’s come before.” She tells couples to pretend they’ve never met. This helps them to focus on what they want in their future, rather than what’s happened in their past. Communication can be a real problem for older people, who haven’t grown up with the tools, says Campbell. “If a person is ‘relaunching’ later in life, perhaps after a divorce or the death of a partner, I encourage them to have a good chat about their expectations before jumping into bed with a new person.”

Open up about your fantasies

People find it hard to share their sexual fantasies – in fact, only half of us have, says Lehmiller, who surveyed more than 4,000 people for his 2018 book, Tell Me What You Want. But there’s a lot to gain from doing so. “People who discuss their fantasies report the happiest sexual relationships,” he says. “But there’s a lot of shame around them.”

Lehmiller’s research revealed that 97% of fantasies fall into the same broad categories: multipartner sex; rough sex; novelty and adventure; voyeurism and fetishes; non-monogamous sex; deeper emotional connection; and gender fluidity. “We’re more normal than we think we are,” he says. Sharing our fantasies – whether we act on them or not – is an easy way to introduce novelty into our sex lives. And simply expressing them may be arousing enough.

Timing is everything

“It might seem more natural to talk about sex just before or after you’ve had it,” says the FPA, “but talking in the heat of the moment, without your clothes on, might make you feel vulnerable.” Instead, make time away from the bedroom, at a time when neither of you are rushed.

This doesn’t apply when it comes to sharing your sexual fantasies – best to do this when you’re already turned on, says Lehmiller. “Your disgust response lessens when you’re aroused, so your partner may be more receptive. Break the ice: watch an erotic film, have some wine – find something that gets the ball rolling.”

Take responsibility for your own pleasure

“In couples therapy, one of the most effective exercises I do is ask couples to go away and focus purely on their own pleasure, rather than that of their partner,” says Campbell. “That way, they’re not thinking, ‘I’ve got to please this person’. It removes performance anxiety, which is really distracting. It’s transformational: when they do start talking, they have so much more knowledge to share.”

If you own your experience in this way, she says, it makes it harder to criticise the other person. Woodbridge agrees: “People believe they have the power to give another person an orgasm – they don’t. If you take ownership of your own orgasm, it’s within nobody’s power to “not” give you one.” In this way, it’s harder to blame the other person.

Be clear – and explain

Your partner is not a mind reader: if you don’t feel like sex because you’ve just had a coffee and your breath smells, or you’ve just been to the toilet and feel dirty, tell them that, says Campbell. Otherwise they won’t understand why they are being pushed away and will feel rejected. “A question I often ask couples in therapy is, how do you cope with no, and how do you deliver a no?” she says.

Be positive, not critical

Use “I” rather than “You” sentences, advises Zoë Bailie at The Mix, a charity that provides support for under-25s. “It’s less accusative, and puts you in control. So, ‘I feel …’ rather than ‘You make me feel …’.” Be nice to your partner, agrees Campbell. “Say, ‘I really like it when …’ rather than ‘Stop doing that’.”

Always say something positive – something your partner has done that you like, say – before you say something bad, says the FPA (this applies to non-sex conversations too).

“I call it ‘fact, feelings and fair request’,” says Woodbridge. “So – ‘I’ve noticed that you like …’ or ‘I feel that …’. It gives the other person useful feedback, as opposed to feeling nagged.” Be vocal about what does feel good – sometimes the conversation need go no further than ‘that felt really, really, good – let’s do that again’.

Listen – and ask questions

One of the biggest problems in communication is not that people don’t know how to talk, but they don’t know how to listen, says Campbell. “They are so worried about how to avoid hurting themselves or the other person, they spend the whole time thinking about what to say next, rather than really listening.”

How do you achieve this? “Park your emotional response, and try to be curious, detached and present,” says Woodbridge. “Say to your partner: ‘Tell me more about that.’”

Try to put yourself in their shoes, she says. “And you must try to accept what you’re hearing. We are hardwired to think that our reality is the only one, and that other perspectives are wrong.” Fix that, she says, and these tricky conversations will become much easier.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Not in the mood?

Study reveals how couples communicate when desire is low

by Blake Eligh

A new study from U of T Mississauga pulls back the covers to reveal how couples communicate when it comes to sex and desire.

The study by psychology researcher Rebecca Horne, co-authored with colleagues at UTM, York University and Carleton University, looks at how regulate expression of sexual desire, and what effect these tactics have on relationship well-being.

A Vanier Scholar and Ph.D. researcher, Horne studies how couples resolve through sacrifice, when one person gives up their own self-interest or for a partner, and what effect this has on the relationship.

Her ongoing work is a longitudinal study of the sacrifices couples make when relocating for the sake of a partner’s job. But, as Horne notes, partners make sacrifices for each other every day, including during our most intimate moments.

“The domain of sex is a primary area where couples can have these conflicts, and where sacrificing might be really important, especially because it’s a sensitive and vulnerable context for a lot of people,” Horne says.

According to Horne, regulating expression of desire is one form of sacrifice that we may make for our romantic partners.

“Romantic partners often regulate their emotions and affection to achieve certain goals, but we wanted to know more about how partners regulate their expression of sexual desire during sex and its implications for couples’ well-being,” she says.

Horne notes that we might regulate our emotions to achieve goals in everyday social interactions, like smiling at an annoying boss for the sake of workplace harmony or job retention.

In a romantic relationship, this could take the form of expressing fondness and warmth to a partner that’s not really in line with what we’re feeling in the moment, or hiding feelings of sexual disinterest from a partner or pretending to be more into a sexual experience than we really are.

These tactics might be employed to smooth over the kind of momentary blips in desire caused by a bad day at work, fatigue or distraction in the moment.

“These are ways that we modify our self-interest, presumably for the benefits of our partner,” Horne says, noting that research shows this happens as much as three times a week in a typical romantic relationship.

“We may think we are interacting authentically with our partners, but we do these regulatory strategies in subtle ways.”

But, as Horne notes, the result is a disconnect between what we are feeling inside, and what we are showing on the outside.

Dialing up desire, dampening disinterest

For the study, the researchers surveyed 225 couples, most in heterosexual long-term romantic relationships, to track the link between regulation of desire and relationship . Respondents kept individual 21-day diaries that tracked intimate relations, levels of desire and individual feelings of well-being and satisfaction.

The results showed people engaged in two kinds of primary regulatory tactics when desire was low: amplification of desire and suppression of disinterest.

Amplifying desire is about exaggeration to cover for low interest in sex. That could take the form of erotic talk, caresses or even faking an orgasm.

Suppression of disinterest is another common tactic, employed when a partner hides the fact that they’re not really interested in the experience, either in the moment or overall.

Horne says that a partner may conceal that they have lost interest during sex if they are fatigued or distracted, or if their partner isn’t attending to their sexual needs in the moment.

“When we use these strategies, we’re trying to change the way that we express emotion or desire to somebody after that emotion or desire has already been elicited,” Horne says. “These strategies can be really challenging because there’s a tension between what we’re feeling inside and what we’re showing when we’re not interested.”

Regulation and authenticity

“Not all sexual regulation strategies are created equal,” Horne says. “Even though they both involve altering expression of desire to our partner, they differ in outcome.”

Sexual authenticity appears to be the driver here. Those who employed these tactics reported feeling sexually inauthentic, which predicted lower satisfaction, both sexually and in the relationship.

“We found that there are drawbacks to these behaviors,” Horne says. “Our work suggests that both partners feel less satisfied with their sex lives on days when one partner amplified or exaggerated expressions of desire.”

The story is a little bit different for suppression tactics.

Those who hid their lack of desire reported feeling sexually inauthentic and detached from their own satisfaction, but it wasn’t always detrimental for their partners, who may have been convinced they were interested and engaged in the moment.

While suppressing disinterest can lead to in a partner’s higher satisfaction, it can undermine one’s own feelings of satisfaction.

“These things happen during sex, and they have implications for our satisfaction,” she says. “When we regulate these displays, it feels sexually inauthentic.”

Honest and clear communication

While all respondents reported engaging in regulation tactics occasionally, Horne says it’s important to notice if it becomes part of a pattern.

Being attuned to our partners while balancing our own sexual needs can circumvent the conflicts that might lead to regulation strategies, and can amp up satisfaction for both partners.

“If things aren’t feeling right during sex, you could try to reroute, or have an open conversation about the things you like and don’t like,” Horne advixes.

“Honest and clear sexual communication is really important, and seems to have more benefits for satisfaction.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The One Ingredient Every Couple Needs For A Lasting Relationship

By Kelly Gonsalves

There are lots of qualities that typically get attention when talking about what makes a healthy relationship: trust, honesty, and communication tend to be the big ones.

But according to licensed marriage therapist Beverley Andre, LMFT, there’s one quality that’s fully necessary for a relationship to thrive that people rarely talk about: intentionality.

How intentionality makes or breaks relationships.

“Intentional means doing the mental work, aka planning,” Andre tells mbg.

A funny thing that happens in relationships, particularly ones that have lasted a long while, is we tend to go on autopilot. A couple will establish a cadence or dynamic that they settle into—including how they interact with each other, what their daily and weekly routines look like, what they talk about, and even how and when they show affection—and they keep at it until an issue comes up. In fact, they may be so married to their familiar patterns of us-ness that they may even just sweep issues under the rug for as long as they can, only finally addressing them head-on once they’ve gotten too big to ignore.

But as Andre notes, relationships require proactive nurturing—not just reactive responses to issues. That’s where intentionality comes in.

“If you want to nurture your relationship, you have to think ahead and figure out all the pieces and parts of what it will take to actually improve your relationship,” she explains.

Being intentional in your relationship means regularly thinking about what the relationship needs to function better and ultimately grow, and then actually taking concrete steps now to make that happen before issues arise. “You’re making it a priority, instead of an afterthought,” she notes.

Instead of waking up one day and wondering, “How did my relationship get here?” or “How do we fix this?” you’re proactively nourishing your relationship so that serious challenges are less likely to appear or less likely to significantly threaten your relationship when they do. As Andre puts it, “You won’t have to worry about the grass being greener on the other side if you’re intentional about watering your own on a schedule.”

How to be more intentional in your relationship.

OK, so what does this actually look like in practice?

Andre recommends taking small steps to improve your relationship. That might include proactively having a conversation about how the two of you approach conflict, for example, or it might look like taking the time to cultivate a culture of more appreciation and goodwill in your relationship. If you haven’t already, Andre also suggests learning about your and your partner’s love languages and finding ways to express more affection in those ways.

“One recommendation I have for couples to nurture their relationship is to do an intention challenge,” Andre recommends. “To do the intention challenge, all you have to do is create a list of 12 things, which can be a mixture of gifts and gestures, to do for your partner once a month. That’s it—nice and simple.”

However you choose to approach intentionality in your relationship, the point is to simply prioritize it as a couple. When you’re both engaged and taking steps to strengthen your connection, the relationship is more likely to be able to thrive even in the face of life’s inevitable hardships. 

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Mindfulness During Sex Means More Orgasms

— Here’s What to Know

Being Aware of Your Body and Emotions Will Lead to Better Pleasure, Says Experts

By Rebecca Strong
As new research sheds light on the many mental, physical, and emotional benefits of staying fully present, more and more people have been making it a point to prioritize the art of mindfulness. And as it turns out, mindfulness can also play a big part in boosting a person’s sex life.

According to a 2021 study of mixed-sex married couples, research found that maintaining awareness and non-judgment in the bedroom led to better sexual well-being and harmony, as well as greater relationship growth. Not only that, but husbands’ awareness during sexual activity was linked to more consistent orgasms among their wives. If that’s not a hard sell, we don’t know what is.

But what exactly does mindfulness during sex look like? According to Dr. Justin Lehmiller, resident sex researcher at ASTROGLIDE and research fellow at The Kinsey Institute, it’s about being fully “tuned in” to the experience. In other words, not letting your mind wander to your to-do list or what you’re making for dinner while your partner is going down on you.

“As applied to sex, mindfulness involves being aware of your body sensations, emotions, and thoughts without judging them,” says Lehmiller. “Research has uncovered a number of benefits of mindfulness during sex. Among other things, it can increase desire for sex, enhance sexual functioning, and improve sexual satisfaction.”

Gigi Engle, a certified sex educator and sex expert for SKYN, notes that mindfulness can help to strengthen the brain-body connection, thus making it easier for you to climax.

“When you spend time paying attention to and relaxing the body, you take energy away from the left side of the brain — which is responsible for mental chatter and all those repetitive thoughts — and engage the right side of the brain, which is more in touch with the body,” she explains to AskMen.

This probably sounds way too good to be true, right? Well, if your interest is piqued, we’ve got expert-approved details on how to incorporate mindfulness into your sex life the right way.

Signs Your Sex Life Would Benefit From Mindfulness

Experts agree that anyone sex life can improve with a little more mindfulness. Below, you’ll find some signs that you and your partner might need to make this a priority in the bedroom.

One or Both of You Keeps Getting Distracted

Having trouble staying focused on the act at hand? It’s normal to have your mind wander once in a while during sex, but if those distracting thoughts are preventing you from staying aroused, having an orgasm, or feeling connected to your partner, Lehmiller says that’s a red flag.

“Mindfulness has the potential to help with a very wide range of sexual difficulties, and can sometimes augment other treatments and therapeutic approaches,” he explains.

Sex Feels Routine

If it feels like you’re going through the motions every time you and your partner have sex, it’s likely because one or both of you aren’t staying in the moment. That mundaneness is leading you to resort to old habits rather than allowing curiosity and pleasure to drive new experiences.

“When partners aren’t fully present, sex gets habitual,” says Engle. “This then registers as a drop of physical dissatisfaction — and eventually the possibility of resentment in your unconscious mind. Over time, those drops accumulate until they can fill a bucket, at which point the sex in a relationship begins to fizzle out. If you approach your sex exactly like you approach meditation: with intention, generosity, savoring, a willingness to slow down and relax into it, and a resolve to return from distraction when it naturally happens, sex can become through-the-roof ecstatic, and even that then deepens over time.”

You Can’t Remember the Last Time You and Your Partner Talked About Sex

Communication is crucial to a healthy, satisfying sex life. Do you and your partner often share with each other what’s working (or not working) between the sheets? Do you reflect on sexual experiences you have or share fantasies about things you’d like to try?

According to Shameless Therapy sex therapist Jackie Golob, MS, not being able to communicate with each other before, during, and after sex can signal a lack of mindfulness.

How to Improve Mindfulness During Sex

According to certified sex educator and sex coach Suzannah Weiss, it all starts outside the bedroom. She recommends making it a point to practice mindfulness throughout your daily life — such as by paying attention to how your washcloth feels against your skin in the shower, or how the breeze feels against your face on your walk around your neighborhood. Move through all five senses on your commute, honing in on what you see, hear, smell, touch, and taste.

“Sit in a chair for 10-15 minutes per day and practice tuning into your physical sensations,” adds Lehmiller. “What are you feeling throughout your body? When thoughts cross your mind, acknowledge them and let them go — and keep turning back to the sensations.”

Below, experts share a few more strategies for incorporating mindfulness while getting frisky.

Engage in an Imago Dialogue

Imago relationship therapy is a specific style of relationship therapy aimed at helping couples cultivate understanding and connect more deeply. And according to Shlomo Slatkin, a licensed clinical professional counselor and certified IRT therapist, this method can actually be immensely helpful for boosting mindfulness in the bedroom. He suggests following an IRT dialogue technique to communicate with your partner about your sex life.

“Intimacy is such a sensitive issue for couples, it’s really important that each of you as individuals feels safe in your conversation with each other,” he explains. “The Imago dialogue, with its ‘scripted’ model of communicating is the perfect way to create safety to discuss such a sensitive topic.”

How does it work, you ask? Slatkin advises scheduling a time with your partner to talk about your intimacy. When it’s time to talk, clear the clutter from your bedroom, put on comfortable clothing, and sit down so you can look into each other’s eyes. From there, you or your partner can take turns sharing one thing you enjoy or need from the other. The listener mirrors what they said back to the other partner with no judgment.

For example, “Let me see if I understand. You’re saying you feel like our sex is rushed, and you’d like to take your time with more foreplay?” Active listening in this way can help you to gain a stronger understanding of each other’s perspectives.

“You may be pleasantly surprised to learn more about what your partner desires and what would make them feel good,” says Slatkin. “That’s the beauty of the Imago dialogue.”

Try Mindful Masturbation

Focusing on mindfulness during your solo pleasure sessions can help you then translate those skills into partner sex.

“Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do for our partner sexually is to know yourself sexually,” adds Nikki Nolet a licensed marriage/family therapist and founder of Relationships Redefined. “Imagine having the knowledge to guide your partner towards pleasuring yourself, rather than leaving it to them to guess at what pleases you. Plus, being aware of your own turn-ons can then, in turn, be a huge turn-on for your partner.”

For this approach, put away any distractions while masturbating (yes, that includes porn), and try to tune into every sensation you’re feeling. Take it slow, and if you feel you’re unable to maintain that mind-body connection, try touching yourself elsewhere on your body to jolt your system and snap back to attention.

Keep Your Eyes Open and the Lights On

While there’s nothing inherently wrong with closing your eyes during sex, or dimming the lights beforehand, relationship expert psychologist and sex therapist Tatyana Dyachenko says switching things up can go a long way in terms of promoting mindfulness.

“When you close our eyes it’s easier for your mind to wander,” she explains. “Having the lights on and your eyes open helps to keep you out of autopilot mode.”

Experiment With Sensation Play

If you and your partner are both open to it, Engle recommends incorporating sensation play — using items like a feather and an ice cube — into sex. These kinds of tools can really help enhance mindfulness during a romp because they heighten physical sensations on your skin.

However, if props aren’t your thing, you can still bring more awareness to your sexual experiences.

“While your partner gently touches your body, tune into everything from the feel of their breath on your skin to variations in touch pressure to changes in your heart or breathing rate,” says Lehmiller.

Just Take Notice

Noticing what’s turning you on (and what isn’t), and then communicating those observations to your partner in the moment, is key, says Golob. First, just make a mental note of what feels good, sharing what you’re noticing by saying, “that feels so good,” or “I like that a lot, don’t stop.” after. If something doesn’t feel good, try to frame it in a positive way by commending your partner for something else you preferred.

Reduce Any “Sexpectations”

When there’s too much pressure on achieving an orgasm, experts say it becomes very difficult to stay present during sex due to focusing only on the end goal. Sadly, that can actually end up sabotaging your ability to enjoy the experience, let alone being able to finish.

“The thought that every sexual encounter should end in orgasm triggers shame, blame, and guilt if you don’t,” says Golob. “Orgasm is not the goal of sex, pleasure is the goal of sex. We need to remember to reduce sexpectations and not judge ourselves or partners if things don’t happen as we may have wanted.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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5 Powerful Changes To Make To Your Sex Life In 2022

By Kelly Gonsalves

It’s 2022, and conversations around sexuality have evolved tremendously. We know more than ever before about the science of orgasms, fostering desire, and all the different ways we can experience sexuality. There are virtually infinite resources out there, from books and podcasts to courses and retreats, dedicated to helping us tap into all the good feelings to which our bodies have access.

If it’s been a long while since you last prioritized your sex life, consider this your invitation to enter into the new year with an intention of rediscovering your erotic self and all the ways in which you can experience sensual pleasure in your body, soul, and partnerships. For inspiration, we asked sexuality experts to offer some tangible, straightforward ideas for how to actually better your sex life. Here’s what they recommended:

1. Talk more about sex.

“One of the most powerful changes couples can make to their sex life is to talk more about sex,” says Holly Richmond, Ph.D., LMFT, AASECT-certified sex therapist and author of Reclaiming Pleasure.

To have great sex, you must be able to talk about it. When was the last time you talked to your partner about which types of touch you like the most—and least? Do you know your partner’s wildest fantasies? What are the things that make them in the mood for sex—and not in the mood for sex?

“If neither partner knows what the other’s expectations, desires, or needs are around sex, there isn’t much chance of continually making it better,” Richmond says. “Couples that talk about sex can have better, more exciting sex the longer they are in the relationship, which is exactly the opposite of what we’ve been told to believe, that sex gets worse or more boring the longer you are together.”

2. Start a regular masturbation practice.

Whether you’re single or partnered, sex and dating coach Myisha Battle, M.S., recommends making time for solo sex at least once a week.

“It’s a great way to stay in touch with your sexual energy as well as learn about what your body likes,” she explains. “Allow yourself to explore your desires through porn or erotica, have fun, and take notes about what you like and don’t like!”

Some people may feel uncomfortable masturbating when they’re in a relationship, or they let their masturbation practice subside in favor of partnered sex. But Battle says anyone and everyone can benefit from masturbating regularly, including people in long-term relationships.

“Masturbation can help you be less dependent on your partner’s availability for sex. This change opens up so much for people who overly rely on others to be sexual. You can be your most reliable source for sexual pleasure no matter what your relationship status is,” she says. 

3. Start a mindfulness practice.

Whether or not we realize it, what we do outside the bedroom can have a big impact on how we feel when we’re actually having sex. That’s why one thing that licensed psychologist and AASECT-certified sex therapist Lauren Fogel Mersy, Psy.D., L.P., recommends to those seeking better sex is to start a mindfulness practice.

“A regular practice of being present in the moment without judgment may transfer to your sex life, which will likely improve your experience,” she explains. “Being present in the moment is when sex can feel most pleasurable and connected. It’s when we are most in touch with our bodies and our partners.”

Learning how to be present in your body in general—such as through meditating, breathwork, or other mindfulness exercises—can help you be more aware of the pleasurable sensations your body is feeling during sex (i.e., sex will feel better).

4. Explore eroticism.

What does eroticism mean to you?

“We each have things that we find arousing,” AASECT-certified sex therapist and licensed couples’ counselor Jessa Zimmerman, M.A., tells mbg. “You can tune in to yours by thinking about your best sexual experiences, your fantasies, and your response to various erotic media.”

Zimmerman recommends taking time to explore what you find erotic and then (if you’re in a relationship) sharing that with your partner—and asking them about their version of eroticism, too.

“Approach this with curiosity and a whole lot of openness rather than judgment or criticism. Then, play in any overlap you find,” she says. “This doesn’t mean you have to do the things you fantasize about, but you might find it hot to talk about, role-play, or fantasize together that it is happening or about to happen.”

5. Commit to some novelty.

If you’re in a long-term relationship, Zimmerman recommends making an active commitment as a couple to prioritize novelty.

“Decide you’re going to find something new to do together every month. You can change the location or setting, delve into each other’s sexual interests and fantasies and find something you haven’t done (or not done in a long time, anyway), or find a great yes/no/maybe list to get some ideas you may not have considered before,” she says. “Approach this with a spirit of adventure and exploration; it doesn’t have to go without a hitch.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How To Discuss Your Deepest, Darkest Desires and Kinks With Your Partner

Discussing our innermost fantasies can be scary. But they can also help unlock a whole new world of pleasure.

By Shamani Joshi

It’s easy to rant about some of the more mundane parts of life – hectic work schedules, disappointing travel experiences and failed diet fads. It’s the deeper, darker crevices of our consciousness that are often difficult to divulge.

Especially when it comes to sexual fantasies, fetishes and kinks, the prospect of dissecting and discussing them can be daunting, tinged with the fear that the person privy to them may look at you differently or even judge you. From wanting to suck on someone’s toes to tying them up to role-playing a ravishment fantasy, voicing one’s deepest, darkest desires and kinks can leave a person feeling extremely vulnerable and overly exposed.

However, it can also be incredibly gratifying, especially when approached with the aim of achieving intimacy or unlocking new worlds of pleasure with a partner. And now that we’ve lived through a semi-apocalypse, two years of tight regulations and restrictions have fuelled a curiosity in pushing the boundaries of our bedroom lives for many of us. Maybe that explains why more people are gravitating towards kink or why fetish clubs and parties are booming.

Kink is a broad term that encompasses a bunch of alternative sexual interests, preferences or fantasies that go beyond vanilla sex – though vanilla’s bad rap is bogus. This might include BDSM, role-playing, or impact play such as spanking and whipping.

According to the 2015 Sexual Exploration in America Study Trusted Source, more than 22 percent of sexually active adults do role-playing, while more than 20 percent are into being tied up and spanking. Meanwhile, another 2016 survey also found that even in cases where people didn’t have the opportunity to explore their desires, nearly half of those surveyed were interested in it.

Today, a growing number of researchers and “sexperts” can attest to how much openly communicating your kinks to your partner can do for your relationship as well as your personal health.

But because it can be quite an overwhelming experience even when you’ve been with a significant other for a while, we asked experts about how to broach the topic. Here’s what they had to say.

Build up a comfort level 

When it comes to opening up about desires buried deep inside you, perhaps the most important aspect is making sure your connection with the person you want to try them with is equally deep. 

“The right time and place to bring up the fantasy conversation is when you feel safe with a partner,” Sara Tang, a sex coach who runs a podcast called Better in Bed, told VICE. Tang stressed that by allowing our partners to access our innermost thoughts and sexual fantasies, we could build an intimacy that then allows them to see us for who we are more clearly. However, this is not necessarily driven by how long you’ve been together or what stage of the relationship you are in. 

“It’s really about trust and communication more than time,” Laura Halliday, a sexual health and wellness educator who runs a website called School of Squirt told VICE. “You can have a kink relationship right off the bat or bring it up once you’re in a more long-term situation. The key is that you’re both open about your likes and dislikes as well as boundaries.”

However, experts pointed out that it is always better to discuss the fantasies with a partner rather than wait for them to be discovered.

“When a fantasy is discovered, it can become a source of conflict and misunderstanding within a relationship and even be destructive,” Tang said. She explained that stumbling into your partner’s porn cache or finding their profile on a kinky social networking site could bring with it a sense of betrayal, as opposed to a partner proactively discussing the fantasy.

Test the waters

Given how scary the prospect of rejection can be in such situations, experts recommend approaching the topic slowly and carefully rather than cannonballing straight into it.

“When you’re not sure how your partner will react or respond, I recommend bringing up the discussion in a casual way by saying that someone you know is into this kink,” said Pompi Banerjee, a kink-affirmative psychologist. Banerjee recommends a tactic whereby the person bringing up the kink can first gauge how their partner reacts when they are removed from the situation. “It would give you a sense if they would be into it or not, and you will feel less embarrassed or judged if they are not.”

She added that it was important for couples to have this conversation as a pleasure-oriented discussion rather than one driven from dissatisfaction. 

“If someone feels very safe or connected with their partner, they can bring it up and say, ‘I was thinking about our sex or love life and there are certain things I would love to try out,’” Banerjee said.

Set your boundaries

Informed, enthusiastic consent, experts emphasized, is key in taking your conversation to the next level.

“It’s important to understand that fantasies aren’t necessarily what we want in reality. That is why they’re called fantasies,” Tang said. “Always explain to your partner that there’s no pressure to explore the fantasy, especially if it’s not their thing. The best ground rules are that any exploration only happens with their consent, and that you will always respect their boundaries.”

Tang said that diving into a fantasy should be done slowly and steadily. “Take baby steps to build comfort and trust with the idea of exploring. For example, maybe you could do some role play or engage in some dirty talk with your partner to get you in the mood before trying out the fantasy in real life.”

Experts say role-playing can help your partner understand what exactly they might be getting into.

“Your partner needs to be 100 percent comfortable with voicing their likes, dislikes, and discomforts,” said Halliday. “You can role play this [fantasy] with them if they have a hard time voicing [it] themselves.” This roleplay can either be by acting out the fantasies before diving into them wholeheartedly or even just talking it out. 

Halliday also suggests using a safe word, a code word or signal that a person uses to express when they are uncomfortable, before getting into a fantasy, especially if it’s something that may be outside your partner’s comfort zone.

“A safe word is an absolute must,” she reiterated. “You should also set firm boundaries beforehand so no lines are accidentally crossed. And, of course, get continued consent through the encounter by asking questions like ‘should I touch here now?’ Or ‘do you want me to try this?’”

In fact, experts point out that safety isn’t only a matter of your partner feeling you are going too far. It should, in fact, power the process on the whole. 

“Think about safety, and not just the physical kind but also physiological, psychological and emotional safety,” said Banerjee. “Almost all of us have some traumas or triggers, so it’s important to first understand what could trigger your partner and make them feel unsafe. That’s why it’s essential to constantly check in with them and ask if they are feeling okay.”

Experts also recommend setting a worst-case scenario game plan that anticipates how everything could go wrong, by considering the most severe possible outcome and finding a solution to it. “A good debrief afterwards is also helpful, where you and your partner can process the experience together,” said Tang, recommending that couples ask questions about how the experience was and talk about the emotions they went through.

Accept that it may not work out

Even if you’ve been careful and considerate about everything stated thus far, things might not go according to plan. We’re not bots, after all.

“There’s no guarantee that a fantasy won’t make things awkward in reality,” said Tang, pointing out that in her experience, it is quite common to find fantasies much more enjoyable in one’s mind than in reality. “The best way you can reduce the likelihood of things getting awkward is to discuss and negotiate everything beforehand in as much detail as you can. Talk about your expectations, and any fears or feelings about exploring the fantasy. Share what each of you are and aren’t OK with trying out. Err on the side of over-communication rather than sharing too little, as that could help your partner not feel embarrassed, hurt and violated.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to get consent for sex

(and no, it doesn’t have to spoil the mood)

By and

New South Wales and Victoria are set to introduce a suite of reforms to sexual offences legislation which set a new standard for sexual consent. Both states will implement an affirmative model of consent.

Affirmative consent is based on the idea that someone who is consenting to sex will actively express this through their words and actions – it’s the presence of an “enthusiastic yes”, rather than the absence of a “no”.

So what’s changing, and what does that mean for how we negotiate sex?

By law, you will need to actively seek consent

The Victorian and NSW reforms place a higher onus on the accused.

Current legislation stipulates that while any steps taken by the accused to ascertain consent should be taken into account in determining whether their belief in consent was “reasonable”, they are not required to have actively sought consent. This means an accused person could argue they had “belief” in consent, without actually taking any action to confirm this belief.

Under the new model, if an accused did not take steps to ascertain consent, their belief in consent is considered to be unreasonable. Silence or a lack of resistance cannot indicate consent.

If an accused wanted to mount a defence that they held a “reasonable belief” in the other person’s consent, they would have to demonstrate what steps or actions they took to make sure the other person was consenting.

It is hoped this will lead to an emphasis on the actions of the accused, rather than scrutinising the complainant’s behaviour. These are important improvements in the way the legal system responds to sexual assault.

No, it doesn’t mean signing a consent form

Affirmative consent means all partners should consciously and voluntarily agree to participate in sexual activity.

Responsibility for consent should be mutual, meaning all parties involved need to ensure they have obtained consent.

Affirmative consent can also be withdrawn at any time – it’s an ongoing process, not a one off “yes” at the start of an encounter.

Some people suggest affirmative consent makes sex “awkward” or “formulaic”. We’re often asked if this means we need to have our partners sign a consent form at the beginning of an encounter.

Others say having to constantly “check in” with a partner can spoil the mood or remove the spontaneity of sex.

As New Zealand comedy Flight of the Conchords reminded us, ‘a kiss is not a contract’.

Not only does an affirmative model help to ensure your partner is actively consenting to sex, it can also help enhance pleasure and fun.

So how do you actually get consent?

Here are some ways you might approach consent under an affirmative model:

Ask your partner how they like to be touched, or what they would like to do. Questions like “how does that feel” or “would you like it if I did XXX” can help ascertain consent but also ensure sex is pleasurable!

Some companies have produced cards to help facilitate this conversation with a partner. Kink communities, such as BDSM groups, often have well-established protocols for talking about consent, and there’s arguably much we could learn from them.

Pay attention to all of the cues and forms of communication a partner is using. This includes what they say, but also their body language, gestures, noises, and emotional expression.

Gay couple cuddle in bed.

If a partner is passive, silent, crying, or looking upset, these are all red flags that they are not consenting. If there’s any doubt about whether your partner/s are into what’s happening, stop and check in with them again.

If you’re still unsure, it’s best to end the encounter.

Is the other person intoxicated or drug affected? If so, they might not legally be able to consent to sex. While some people do use alcohol or other drugs to enhance sexual pleasure (for example, in Chemsex), this is something that needs to be carefully negotiated.

Again, if in any doubt, it’s always best to stop.

Consider the context, and the nature of the relationship between yourself and your partner/s. For example, are you in a position of power over the other person/people? This could be on account of your age, gender, employment status and so on.

If the answer is “yes”, exercise caution. Is it possible the other person could feel pressured or unable to say no to you?

Two young people without shoes sit on a tiled floow.
If there’s any doubt about consent, stop and check in with your partner.

While research suggests non-verbal communication is the most common way people communicate consent, people can misinterpret non-verbal cues. So it’s best not to rely on reading non-verbal cues alone.

Try using verbal consent as well (or the use of sign language or written communication for people who are non-verbal). This doesn’t have to be awkward, or contractual, and consent can be communicated through dirty talk.

Asking a partner what they like also allows you to learn about their body and what feels good, rather than just guessing what they might find pleasurable.

Beyond affirmative consent

While affirmative consent certainly provides a better framework for sexual communication than just waiting for someone to say “no” (or simply assuming the other person consents), it also has limitations.

People may still affirmatively consent to sex they do not want for various reasons. Consenting to sex may be the safer option in an abusive relationship, for example. People also often engage in sex due to peer pressure or because they feel it is their duty as a partner.

Our sexual scripts and dominant gender norms can also make it difficult to enact affirmative consent in practice.

Young women, for example, are often socialised to be polite, compliant, and pleasing to others. Sexual double standards presenting women as “sluts” or “whores” for actively engaging in and enjoying sex persist. As a result, it can be difficult for some women to openly express their sexual wants and desires.

Woman sits on the end of a bed.
Some people are less able to say no.

Affirmative consent is less able to take into account the broader structural and social factors that make saying “yes” or “no” difficult, or that mean we sometimes “consent” to unwanted sex.

While affirmative consent is vital, you might also want to think about how you can ensure your partners feel comfortable and safe to express their needs, desires, and what feels good.

You also want to make sure they feel comfortable to say “no” at any time without any ramifications.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Communicate New Sexual Boundaries to Your Partner

By Gigi Engle

Sex and our preferences for certain kinds of sex acts change all the time. This is a fact of life for many people.

What worked for you for years may suddenly not be your thing anymore—and that’s totally OK. Nazanin Moali, Ph.D., a sex therapist and host of the Sexology podcast, tells TheBody that our desires are the product of a variety of bio-psycho-social systems. “Since these systems are always evolving, it is only expected for human desires and preferences to change, as well,” she explains.

But how do you share this with a partner? For example, maybe you’re super into spanking—and then one day you realize you’re not so into spanking anymore.

There aren’t any guidelines on how you let a partner in on this information. Like, “Hey, babe. You know how I love when you hit my ass so hard you leave marks? Yeah, I hate that now.” Not so cute-sounding, huh? This applies to all sexual activities. Maybe you’re a bottom and now you’d like to be a top (or verse), perhaps you used to enjoy a certain kind of pattern during oral and now don’t, or perhaps you used to enjoy rough sex and now you aren’t as comfortable with that dynamic. This is all boundary-related.

We need to build a language to have these conversations with empathy and respect to avoid rejection, hurt feelings, and feeling ignored—or even violated.

While this article may sound like it’s geared more toward people who are in sexual/romantic relationships (as these are usually the types of relationships that need this kind of re-negotiation), all of these guidelines can be used for all kinds of relationships. No matter the type of relationship you’re currently in, we all need this information. The reality is, as with all things related to sexuality, boundaries are fluid and shift all the time.

In September, we published a five-step guide to communicating with a partner. Here’s how to communicate with your partner about new sexual boundaries when you’ve found they’ve changed.

1. Consider the Impact Staying Silent Can Have on You and the Relationship.

If you’re feeling anxious about discussing your new boundaries, remember that keeping this under lock and key could be incredibly detrimental to your relationship and personal well-being—no matter how casual or serious the relationship itself is. “If you continue to engage in an activity that you no longer enjoy, it will impact your enthusiasm around sex and, in turn, your relationship,” Moali says.

What’s more, you could wind up feeling violated. When we engage in sex we don’t want, it begins to erode our sense of safety. This can lead to bigger issues in our lives, such as anxiety and depression. Don’t fall into this trap. Speaking up is a must.

2. Obtain Consent for the Conversation.

Kristen Tribby, a certified sex educator and head of marketing and education at FUN FACTORY, advises couples who don’t regularly discuss sex as part of their communication practice to consider opening the conversation to a general discussion of sex to get comfortable with the topic.

However, to do this ethically, you need permission to initiate such a vulnerable discussion. The way to ask? Try: “Are you in a place right now to discuss our sex life? I think it would be really beneficial for us to have a check-in.”

Once you feel comfortable talking about sex openly, you can get into the meatier topic of boundaries. Boundaries aren’t necessarily “difficult” to talk about, we simply don’t have as much practice discussing them as we do, say, how our dickhead boss is being a dickhead again.

3. Have the Conversation Outside of the Bedroom.

Conversations about sex shouldn’t take place during sex. This is a golden rule for getting what you want in the bedroom. Why? Because being naked and sexy with someone is very vulnerable. The last thing you want to hear is something negative.

Consequently, Moali suggests keeping discussions about all things sex outside of the bedroom.

Make sure to figure out a convenient time and place so that everyone can be prepared and ready to go. “Oftentimes, people bring up the conversation at a time [when] their partner is preoccupied or in a rush. This jeopardizes their chance of being heard,” Moali says.

4. Having the Talk: Start With the Positive Things, Then Move on to the More Loaded Topics.

Being in a relationship (serious or otherwise) requires taking any conversation about sex with a heavy dose of empathy. We’re all just humans who are doing our best. The thing is, your partner won’t be aware that your boundaries have changed unless you tell them, because they are not a mind reader. However, it would be irresponsible to say that there is no way they won’t react negatively to this topic because it’s both loaded and can feel like a personal attack in a world so devoid of basic sexuality education.

So, to mitigate the possibility of hurt feelings, Tribby suggests starting with the positive aspects of your sex life before hitting your partner with newfound boundaries. You might start by saying: “I like it when you [do] X thing” or “It was so sexy when you did X.”

Then, focus on the things you’d like to change. “Make your comment on the thing you don’t like, [focusing] your attention on the act and not on the person or their technique,” Tribby says.

Two simple ways to approach the topic of boundaries, compliments of Tribby:

  • “You know, I think I’m not into spanking anymore, but I’m really into that new thing you did to me the other night.”
  • “Spanking isn’t really my thing anymore, but I think it would be fun to try something new, like XYZ.”

Lastly, invite the person to share their own ideas on things that would be hot for both of you. Compromise is always key when it comes to having great sex.

5. Set Up Monthly “Sexual Health Dates.”

Once you establish a way into these discussions, turn it into a habit. Sexual wellness is as important in relationships as anything else, yet we tend to throw it right on the old back burner the minute life gets rocky.

Moali suggests making a monthly check-in a must-have, even going so far as to have it set in stone on the Google calendar. “During these dates, couples can discuss what is working for them, what they want more of, and what activities are not giving them pleasure anymore,” she explains. “If you get into the habit of checking in with each other on a regular basis, it will be easier long term to give and receive honest feedback.”

“Sexual relationships thrive on clear communication, so this could be a good chance to grow even closer,” Tribby says.

Communication is lubrication, friends. And if you clearly communicate your boundaries and your partner refuses to respect them, well, then it’s time to say “Bye, bye, boo!”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Couples therapists share 6 relationship red flags you shouldn’t ignore

If you can’t communicate openly with your partner, then your relationship may suffer.

By Ashley Laderer

  • Red flags in a relationship include excessive jealousy and frequent lying.
  • You should also be wary of a partner that frequently criticizes you or puts you down.
  • Another major red flag is an unwillingness to compromise — relationships shouldn’t be one-sided.

We’re always told to steer clear of people who exhibit red flags in relationships, but exactly what red flags should we be looking out for?

When dating someone new, the romance and excitement of the “honeymoon phase” can blind you, and you may not be aware of the warning signs. Red flags like constant put-downs can signal a kind of emotional abuse, which is relatively common.

According to a CDC survey, about 47.1% of women and 46.5% of men have experienced some form of psychological aggression in a relationship.

It can help to know what red flags to look out for so that you can proceed with caution or cut things off if necessary. 

1. Frequent lying

If you’re constantly catching your partner being dishonest, then it isn’t a good sign.

“We are all guilty of telling white lies, however, if you notice that your partner is consistently deceiving or getting caught in lies, it is a red flag,” says Samara Quintero, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at Choosing Therapy.

These can be small lies like being dishonest about where they’re going — or big lies like not telling you how much debt they have.

If you’re being lied to over and over again, this can make it difficult to build a solid foundation in the relationship or destroy one that you’ve already built, which can lead to a shaky future, says Quintero.

2. Constant put-downs

If your partner frequently criticizes you or puts you down, even if it’s in a subtle or passive-aggressive way, this can affect your self-esteem.

“This is a form of emotional abuse that can lead to feelings of anxiety and insecurity in the partnership,” says Quintero.

She says some common examples might sound like:

  1. “You’re lucky I’m still with you because you’ll never do better than me.”
  2. “You sound so ridiculous when you try to be funny.”

A 2013 study found that emotional abuse is just as harmful as physical abuse, both contributing to depression and low self-esteem –– so this red flag should certainly be taken seriously.

“Addressing this behavior with your partner is imperative, and if they refuse to take responsibility or express a willingness to change, it might be time to reevaluate the relationship,” says Quintero.

3. Unwillingness to compromise

If your partner isn’t willing to compromise, even when it comes to the little things, you should proceed with caution. 

“If you’re in a relationship with someone who seems to make everything one-sided, you may end up over-compromising and wind up feeling resentful, hurt, misunderstood, and unsatisfied,” says Emily Simonian, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Head of Learning at Thriveworks.

In healthy relationships, it’s crucial that you consider each other’s needs and desires, and that compromise isn’t a one way street.

4. A tendency to run away from difficult discussions

If your partner lacks the emotional or behavioral skills needed to cope with problems and runs away from them instead, this can have a negative effect on your relationship.

Some examples of this are if your partner will walk away from arguments without hearing you out, or ignore you for days at a time when things get rough.

People who have trouble tolerating difficult emotions tend to lash out or flee when the going gets tough, Simonian says. Even healthy relationships will go through rough patches, so you want to be sure that your partner will communicate effectively with you instead of running away when things get hard.

5. Controlling behavior and excessive jealousy

If your partner is very jealous, this may lead to controlling behavior.

For example, Simonian says they might feel jealous when you have a social life outside of your relationship. A jealous partner may also suffocate you with excessive calls or texts and try to control what you do going forward.

“Attempts to control usually start off subtly, but eventually increase in intensity and can often leave you feeling as though nothing you do is ‘good enough.’ If you notice yourself feeling smothered or consistently altering your behavior in order to appease their jealousy, it could be a sign of bigger issues to come,” says Simonian.

A 2010 meta-analysis found that as jealousy in a relationship increases, the relationship quality decreases, showing that jealousy has a negative effect on romantic relationships. Additionally, a 2014 study found that in relationships where a partner acted too possessive in the early stages, they were more likely to have an unhealthy communication style later in the relationship.

6. Lack of healthy open communication

If your partner turns to passive-aggressiveness, blaming, or expressing emotions in an aggressive way, Quintero says this is ineffective communication.

Communication is one of the foundations of a relationship, so if you both can’t communicate openly and healthily, you’re going to run into problems.

“A healthy relationship provides a safe place for both partners to speak openly on their emotions without fear of judgment or criticism,” says Quintero.

A 2017 study found that communication early in a relationship may play a role in future relationship satisfaction, and that satisfaction with communication in the beginning of a relationship may result in more amicable partnership later on.

Insider’s takeaway

When you notice red flags early in a relationship, it’s important to take note of them.

Whether it’s running into lies, experiencing possessiveness, or being put down, you should take it seriously and consider how they might impact your relationship not just in the near future but also down the line.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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These 3 Issues Can End Relationships

— But Here’s How To Overcome Them

By Jason Wachob

Every relationship has its nuances, and we should give up the notion that a “successful” partnership has a specific set of criteria. “It’s very important that we not develop a norm of what we think is the relationship that is perfect [versus] the relationship that is beyond repair,” says psychotherapist and world-renowned relationship expert Esther Perel on this episode of the mindbodygreen podcast. A glaring red flag for you might not be as big of a deal to another (except for abuse, which should be taken very seriously)—so let’s remove the shame and comparison from the conversation upfront.

However, experts (including Perel) do come across common issues that, if constant, can potentially sever the bond over time. Below, she identifies a few of these obstacles, as well as how to overcome them as a pair. Consider this your crash course on lifelong love (Perel has a more detailed class, too, if you’d like even more actionable steps):

1. Trouble communicating.

You’ve likely heard it once or twice before: Healthy communication is nonnegotiable for a successful relationship. In fact, a lack of communication can sneakily ruin relationships over time.

Of course, “communication issues” can mean different things for different couples: “There are a lot of reasons why we don’t communicate well,” says Perel. “One is that we are often more invested in what we need to say than in what we need to listen to and hear. We often talk without paying enough attention to how the other person is registering what we are saying.” That said, take a minute to check in with your partner before striking up a conversation: What is the other person trying to tell you, perhaps with no words at all (facial expressions, body language, etc.)?

Another layer to the issue is expectation, says Perel: “If I, in advance, feel that you fundamentally don’t really value what I have to say, that is going to change all my communication,” she notes. “The emotional undercurrent of expectations that we bring to the relationship is going to block communication.”

Finally, she mentions confirmation bias. “We tend to hear that which reinforces our preexisting beliefs rather than pay attention to change,” Perel explains. So often one partner will say something that triggers the other, and the two go back and forth in a feedback loop of conflicting assumptions rather than actually listening to one another. That said: “Try to actually not look for what you already are used to seeing or hearing,” says Perel. “See if you can hear something else, and then communication [will] open up.”

2. Growing apart.

It’s a common fallout for long-term relationships: We just grew apart. What does this actually mean, though? According to Perel, it’s not that couples must have the same exact interests and passions—they simply must share in each other’s excitement with genuine interest and curiosity.

“It’s not the fact that I’m interested in this and you’re not,” she says. “It’s that when I try to engage you in the thing that I’m interested in, you’re not interested in me. Day after day after day, [I’ll] start to feel like, ‘If I’m here or not here, what difference does it make? Do I exist for you?'” She adds, “When you start to have the sense that the other person barely notices when you enter the house and when you leave the house, it’s deadly.”

3. Losing the spark.

Another common question Perel hears all the time: How do you keep the spark alive in a long-term relationship? The answer isn’t so clear-cut, but she declares that relationships require give and take—you need tasks that are familiar, cozy, and comfortable to solidify the foundation, but you also need adventures, healthy risks, and crossing thresholds to keep the eroticism alive.

“Curiosity, novelty, playfulness—it’s that whole other dimension of life that is not about management,” says Perel. “Family life wants consistency and routine and predictability—and that’s great for the kids—but the couple actually needs very different things… What makes for good parents is not the same as what maintains the spark.”

That sense of curiosity is different for every couple: For one pair, perhaps a boating trip sets your heart aflutter; for another, it’s a long and challenging hike up a mountain; for others, it’s reading certain books and having a thought-provoking discussion. Whatever it is, “it has to do with exploration,” says Perel. “Like children, we grow through exploration by entering the world a little bit more—our inner world and the world around us.”

The takeaway.

The most common issues in relationships are not impossible to overcome, says Perel. Her parting words of advice? “Relationships are like plants…they do demand attention. Otherwise, they’re left languishing.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Real Scoop on Why Couples Stop Having Sex

The truth is, few couples come into therapy for the first meeting and tell me they are not having sex.

By

Yes, it happens, but generally they start out with something else. “We’ve drifted apart”, “We’re fighting too much” – or someone had an affair.

And when sex does come up (usually because I ask about it), people do not get to the root cause right away – they tell me what’s happening on the surface, because that’s what they see every day. Here are some of the recent explanations I’ve heard from my clients.

Why people say they are not having sex:

  • We’re too busy with the kids/work and don’t have time
  • We’ve lost the spark; I’m not attracted to her/him any more
  • When we do have sex it goes well, but it’s awkward for either of us to initiate
  • I’m waiting for him/her to initiate (because I’ve been rejected too many times) and he/she never does
  • He’s obsessed with internet porn and has nothing left for me
  • I’m just not that sexual a person, I’m not interested in sex
  • It just feels like we are friends, our relationship doesn’t feel sexual

When couples stop having sex, in any of the scenarios above, there is always more to the story. My job, in part, is to help my clients see below the surface, to understand what’s causing these disturbances in the everyday reality of their relationship.

  • Someone has pulled out of the relationship. One partner, usually over the course of a year or more, has withdrawn emotionally from the relationship – he or she has one foot (or two) out the door. When this happens, it becomes very difficult for the couple to make any progress on difficult issues (like sex), because the EXIT is never far away. And for some people, one foot leads to two feet, which leads in turn to an affair or other infidelity.
  • Someone does not feel “safe” sexually. It may be that one partner has never felt safe in sexual situations – as a survivor of, or witness to, sexual abuse or violence, for example. Or perhaps they learned early on in life that other people’s needs must always come first – which makes it hard to be in touch with one’s own feelings and needs, and may lead to performance anxiety, or lack of arousal.
  • Something happened or isn’t working. Loss of sexual connection can result from an unresolved incidents or issues (sexual or not) in the current relationship, which are causing distance to grow between the partners. This is the “elephant in the room” scenario – there’s a problem, but you haven’t found a way to talk about it.
  • Drugs/alcohol. While it is true that the physiological impact alone of habitual drug or alcohol use can interfere with sexual functioning, it is usually accompanying factors – lifestyle, mood & anger regulation, conflict – that have the greatest impact on sexual relationships. This set of problems is often exacerbated by co-using and codependency factors, leading both partners to deny that there is a problem at all.
  • Medication/physical difficulties. As a mentor of mine used to say about ADHD, this category of issues is both over- and under-diagnosed. Some people are too quick to blame their sexual problems on their partner’s difficulty maintaining an erection or getting lubricated; however, this kind of issue, in isolation, can be successfully managed in the context of a connected, loving, trusting relationship. More often than not, it is the insecurities that it gives rise to that need the attention. On the other hand, it can be helpful to remember that sometimes physical arousal difficulties are a side-effect of prescription medications, or they may point to a physical problem that requires medical attention (or may be addressed relatively easily with a “performance enhancer” like Viagra, Cialis or Levitra).

When these issues are not faced directly and talked about, partners can start isolating from one another. Feeling angry, sad, hurt, disappointed, embarrassed, guilty, shameful – and believing that you have to keep it to yourself, hide it from your nearest and dearest, perhaps even from everyone, is a dreadful burden to carry and can have a big impact on your sexual desire. It will eat away at your self esteem, destabilize your moods, cause you to isolate yourself, and undermine your relationship.

So what can we do right now to start having sex again?

  1. Schedule time for it. This may sound unromantic – “Let’s meet at 2pm for some sex” – but if you two have let some time pass without addressing this issue, the chances are that you will not automatically start finding the time to deal with it. And take the pressure off about what will happen during that time – at first, it’s not even about having sex, it’s about rediscovering intimacy, finding your way back to each other.
  2. Talk about what’s happening for you. You and your partner need to find a way to open up to each other about what’s holding you back when you might be having sex, or connecting intimately in other ways. And you each need to create the space for your partner to tell her or his story.
  3. Listen openly and compassionately to what your partner is saying. Let him or her know that you have heard and understood.
  4. Start slowly, focus on building safety. Save the simultaneous orgasms for later. Get to know each other, and reveal yourselves to one another at a pace you can maintain. And don’t turn away – try to stay with the difficulty of what’s happening, try to stay connected with your partner through it.
  5. Start telling the truth. Once you start to feel more comfortable entering into an intimate space with each other, start telling the truth – to yourself and your partner – about what turns you on, what you want, and what you don’t want.

Remember, this is not just about getting what you want, or giving it to your partner. It’s also about finding the sweet spot between you, where you both feel good about the giving and the getting.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Talk to Your Partner About What You Want in Bed

— Because Communication Is Sexy

by Olivia Luppino

If you want to have great sex, you’re going to have to speak up. Every person and every sexual relationship is different, so it’s important to be open with your partner about what works best for you. With all the historical stigma surrounding sex, prevailing slut-shaming, and a severe lack of practical education in high school sex-ed, the idea of talking to your partner about sex might feel a bit overwhelming. The good news is, the more you talk about sex with your partner, the easier it will become — and the better the sex will be. Remember that your partner isn’t a mind reader, so being vocal about what feels good is the surest way to improve things in the bedroom. Here’s exactly what you need to know to start conversations about what you want in bed, according to sex experts.

Be Vocal About What You Want

It’s safe to say you probably weren’t taught how to talk about sex, but it’s never too late to learn. If you’ve been avoiding talking about what you want in bed, know that it’s probably your best chance at having more satisfying sex.

“Our partners are not mind readers, as much as we’d like them to be,” said Emily Morse, host of the longest-running sex and relationship podcast, Sex With Emily. “[They] have no way of knowing what we want in bed until we let them know, until we guide them and tell them what we want,” she told POPSUGAR.

By avoiding the conversation, we’re failing to help our partners understand, and we’re failing to advocate for our own pleasure. “Speaking from someone who had plenty of hookups without ever using my words, I thought, ‘Well, it’s one night and I don’t want to seem needy,’ or, ‘I don’t want to seem like I’m too much, so I’m just going to go along with it and feign pleasure, or just be more performative rather than communicative,'” Morse said. “I think a lot of women choose to be performative rather than communicative.”

Though keeping quiet or faking pleasure might seem easier, it’s stopping you from having better sex. The only way to get what you want from your partners, short of some lucky guessing on their behalf, is to talk to them about what you like.

Leave Shame and Guilt at the Door

Growing up, we receive all kinds of cultural messages about sex, often discouraging us from talking about it. Especially if you are a woman, queer, or a person of color, talking about sex and celebrating your sexuality can be looked at as shameful or even dangerous. But the truth is, it is OK to talk about sex, especially to the person you’re having it with. Though your upbringing might make it difficult to talk to your partner about what you want in bed, you can work through these hangups over time.

“There’s so much guilt and shame wrapped up in the silence and in what we don’t say, and that can be debilitating for a lifetime,” Morse said. “The sooner you get comfortable having these conversations [about what you like in bed], it’ll impact your sex life and will impact your quality of life overall, because it’s not just the conversations in the bedroom, it’s conversations everywhere we avoid having.”

In fact, Morse explained that talking about what we like in bed is important “because our sexual health is an important part of our overall health and wellness.” She went on to say that “once we decide that this is something that is a crucial part of our development, then we realize that it’s not just some frivolous ask or [something that] makes us superficial or makes us greedy, and we just realize that it’s actually part of our mental health and well-being.” By prioritizing your sexual well-being and learning to communicate what you do and don’t like, you’ll get better at advocating for yourself both in and outside the bedroom.

Figure Out What You Enjoy

If you’re avoiding talking about sex with your partner because you haven’t had the chance to really discover what you like yet, take the opportunity to get to know yourself better. The solution to this is in your hands — literally.

“I think the reason why we don’t ask for what we want and we don’t talk about it is because we don’t know what we want,” Morse said. “And so that’s why it’s important to really figure out what we want on our own through masturbation and exploration and to really figure out your erogenous zones and what feels good.”

Activist and sex educator Ericka Hart, M.Ed., suggests using a yes/no/maybe list if you’re looking for ways to start exploring yourself sexually. “It gives you copious amounts of examples of different actions — you don’t have to come up with them on your own, nor do you have to be an expert on all things sex-related,” Hart told POPSUGAR.

There are plenty of resources available online that provide the sex education you didn’t receive in school. “Find other resources and tools that sexuality educators, sex therapists, and others in the sexuality field create and make available to support people in feeling affirmed in having conversations about what you want sexually,” Hart said. “There are classes, online webinars, worksheets, local events, you name it, all to fill significant gaps in our often pleasure-averse societal and educational institutions. For example, Afrosexology is a great resource started by two Black femme sexuality educators.”

Practice, Practice, Practice

Especially if you’re anxious to talk to your partner, practice will help. “I think you could practice, you could write it out, you could say it in the shower, practice looking in the mirror,” Morse said. “It helps me before I have any big call or any big meeting. I take 10 really deep breaths. You can hold it for five seconds, exhale for five seconds. I mean, that completely changes your nervous system and helps so much with anxiety.”

Think through what you want to say, and picture how you want the conversation to go. “What’s your goal in this conversation? What do you hope the outcome looks like?” Morse asked. “It’s like visualization, like athletes in the Olympics thinking about their meet ahead of time. So you just visualize it going well, you say, ‘I’m doing this for my sexual health and wellness, I’m doing this to be a better lover to myself and others.'”

Change Your Outlook on 1-Night Stands

Whether it’s a one-night stand or long-term relationship, it’s worth giving your partner guidance so you can fully participate in the pleasure of the experience. Even if you don’t have a long-standing sexual relationship with someone, you can still work on communicating what you like to your partners.

Morse recommends completely rethinking how you look at a one-time sexual encounter. “I think that if you are having a one-night stand, I’d love to reframe this and have it be like, ‘Oh, I don’t know if I’ll see [them] again. I might as well practice,’ because it is a practice of asking for what you want,” Morse said. Instead of thinking that you shouldn’t be overly open since you won’t be seeing them again, flip that narrative on its head and use the fact that you won’t see them again as a way to completely take off the pressure and practice being more vocal than you might be otherwise.

Pick the Right Partner

It takes two to tango, and it also takes two (or more) to talk. A major component of a good conversation is the person you’re having it with. “Far too often, folks might not feel comfortable enough to share without fear of retribution, a negative response on the other end, or others’ judgments or assumptions about what they themselves are willing to do or not do sexually,” Hart said. “One of the most important aspects in any sexual relationship is that you are able to openly share what feels good for you.”

Consider what your dynamic is like with your partner. “Make sure trust is established and that there are clear understandings of consent,” Hart told POPSUGAR. “I would also suggest not having conversations about sexual desires in an aroused state.” Instead, initiate these conversations in a relaxed and comfortable atmosphere outside the bedroom.

Remember that even if you brought up the subject, it’s just as important to listen as it is to speak. “Be present, listen, don’t add your stuff, your judgments,” Hart said. “Share what you’re willing to do or not from their desires.” Additionally, Hart emphasized that “these conversations should not contain pressure, coercion, or manipulation of any sort.”

Remember that a good partner is going to be excited to meet you where you are. “I can’t emphasize enough that the lovers that you want to be with are going to be hopefully heavily invested in and enthusiastic about being there for you,” Morse said.

Talking to your partner about what you want in bed is a great way to improve your sex life, show up for yourself, and show up for your partner. Even if you don’t have a lot of experience doing it, you’ll get better in time, and ultimately so will your sex life. And remember, Hart reminded, “Have fun, and be open to [your] desires changing over time. Nothing is set in stone. Have this conversation often.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!