Talking to your partner about sex isn’t always easy—especially if you want to change things up. In an ideal world, you’d feel free to talk to your partner about anything. Unfortunately, we live in a society that fills our heads with all kinds of hang-ups and roadblocks that can make talking about sex less comfortable than, say, talking about your favorite music.
Think about it. We spend so much of our grade school, high school, and college years learning how to communicate effectively about everything but sex. For some, talking to your partner about abortion rights or gun control is easier than asking if they have a favorite sex toy. That’s because growing up, many of us weren’t given the space to learn how to talk about sex, let alone how to advocate for our own pleasure.
Talking to your partner about sex, and about trying new things in the bedroom, is all about compassionately disclosing your own preferences, desires, and boundaries, and encouraging them to do the same. That’s where we’ll start.
1. Approach With Compassion
Since we’re not often given space to learn and grow our ability to talk about sex, most of us end up getting stuck in ideas and attitudes we learned from movies, TV shows, games, music, and porn. Too often, these sources perpetuate the idea that women’s sexual needs are extra credit—something nice but not exactly the main course. Conversely, the media often reinforces the idea that men’s sexual desires begin and end in a race toward orgasm.
Talking openly about what you want out of sex means challenging these deeply rooted ideas, in yourself and in your partner (or partners), no matter what your gender is. Because we start to absorb these attitudes at such a young age, the part that holds on to them is a young part. That means it’s probably sensitive, feisty, and prone to being easily embarrassed. Have you ever fallen behind in a class? It can feel like that. So you hide it, pretend, and put on an act, but deep down you still have trouble advocating for your needs, curiosities, and boundaries.
No matter where you are on the comfort spectrum, have compassion for yourself and for your partner. Think about where they’re at, think about where you’re at, and approach them with kindness and understanding.
2. Know What You Want to Try
Next time you’re masturbating, pay attention to what really gets you going. What are you fantasizing about (or watching) that you really want to try with your partner? Write it down in a journal, in a note file on your phone, somewhere you won’t forget about it.
Make sure you’re specific. For instance, don’t just write down “rough stuff.” Write down spanking, hair pulling, bondage, etc. The more generic you are, the more room for confusion there is, and the more likely you are to be disappointed. We don’t want that. We want sex to be fun; we want talking about sex to be fun.
3. Talk During and After Sex
One of the best ways to break the ice and get comfier talking to your partner about sex is simple: Talk about sex. Being vocal during, after, and even before sex is one of the best ways to open the door to a world where you talk about sex as easily as you talk about what to have for dinner.
Tell him, her, or them how much you like doing what you’re doing, or how much you like what they’re doing. When you’re lying in the afterglow, mention something you liked. “It was so hot when you,” or “I loved when we.” It’s a good thing to practice because it opens the door to talking about things you liked outside the context of actually having sex.
4. Be Horny
Now that you have a good idea of what you want to try and you’re comfortable talking about sexduring sex, it’s time to practice talking about sex outside of the bedroom. Start with little things like sexually charged compliments. “Your arms look so hot when you” or “Your butt looksso good in those” or “From this angle, I can see your,” and just leave it there. Not every horny comment is a prelude to sex; they definitely can be, but it’s pretty fun to just flirt with your partner and let that sexual tension sizzle on the back burner.
5. Pop the Question
Once you’re comfortable giving and receiving horny compliments and you are both feeling some of that ambient sexual tension, instead of giving a compliment, sidle up close and ask them a question. Something like “Would you ever want to do X, Y, or Z to me?” or “What do you think about being spanked?” This way there’s room for a conversation, and room for your partner to say yes, no, or maybe.
The nice thing about talking about it outside of the bedroom is that even if your partner is interested, you’re not in a situation where either of you feels pressured to try the new thing right now, and it can just sit in the back of the mind for a little bit. It’s something you’re both aware of, thinking about, and will probably try pretty soon. Then the next time you start getting frisky, if you’re ready, ask if they are, and go from there.
6. Leave Room for No
If your partner has a boundary around the thing you want to try, talking about it outside of sexual activity means you’re in a sexually open but not sexually vulnerable space to have that conversation. This is important. It’s hard to say no.
Saying no to someone you care about and want to make happy can be even harder—especially for women. Those same influences that give us so much of our early sex education reinforce the idea that women’s pleasure is secondary, and it’s really easy to internalize that without realizing it. That’s not to say that setting boundaries is easy for men either, it’s definitely not, for the same reasons. Leave yourself and your partner room to say no. Even if you don’t get to try the thing you want to explore, you still get to enjoy an all-new level of trust and communication with someone you care about.
— As research shows that more people are sexing their way through their seventies than ever before, WH unpicks why the thought of the older generation getting their kicks makes people so uncomfortable
As Richard* reaches for the massage oil, Belle assumes her position facedown on the bed. Spreading the warm liquid across her shoulders, his hands slowly creep down her body – taking extra care over her aching lower back.
Unable to resist any longer, she gently turns onto her front, spreads her legs and allows him to pleasure her until an orgasm ripples through her body.
‘When Richard has taken Viagra, I know he’ll be able to go for hours. So, once I come back down to earth, I reach for the lube and climb on top. My hips may not move as smoothly as they used to, but that doesn’t stop us climaxing.’
This is the sixth time 70-year-old Belle* and Richard, 85, who she met on a dating site 18 months ago, have had sex this week. And they’re far from alone: research has been telling us – for years, actually – that seniors are sexing their way through their seventies – and beyond.
A leading 2015 study funded by Age UK and carried out by researchers at The University of Manchester found that 54% of men and 31% of women over the age of 70 were still “sexually active”. A third were having sex at least twice a month. One 2018 survey by the University of Michigan also found that 40% of people between 65 and 80 reported being sexually active, with more than half of those who have a partner saying they still get down to it, while a further Swedish study in 2021 revealed that 10% of those over 90 were even having sex.
A Swedish study revealed that 10% of those over 90 were still having sex.
Clearly, the data shows that older people aren’t just having sex, but also (whisper it) enjoying it – but then, why shouldn’t they? Beyond the fact we’re living longer and lots of older adults have better access to sex-life saving healthcare and medication, many seniors looking for love or sex after divorce or the death of a spouse, have (contrary to the technophobe stereotype) also embraced the internet.
One 2021 US survey found more than a third of respondents over 55 had dated within the last five years, with 13% using dating apps or websites, and 7% turning to social media to meet someone. Psychosexual therapist Lohani Noor says the sex positivity and sexual wellness movement over the past decade has played an empowering part, and has noticed an increase in older people coming to therapy to explore their sexuality.
‘Many are finding the courage, after a lifetime of being repressed, to bring to life their buried authentic sexual selves,’ she says. ‘The joy of sexual liberation that our society affords is available to all and older people are grasping it with both hands before time literally runs out.’
Many younger people hold strong, often negative, reactions to the thought of senior sex
Yet even with this positive shift amongst older generations, many younger ones have long held strong, often negative, reactions to the thought of older people having sex. ‘Can we please draw the line at friction fires caused by unkempt, geriatric pubes rubbing together vigorously on polyester couches?’ said one viral Vice article titled “Old People Having Sex Is Gross” back in 2012.
Ten years later, the idea still leads to recoiling as shown in May this year when ABC announced a seniors-focused spinoff of the hit series The Bachelor, called The Golden Bachelor, where ‘one hopeless romantic is given a second chance at love in the search for a partner with whom to share the sunset years of life’. Fans of the OG show were quick to share their mocking reactions on Instagram, with comments ranging from ‘No. No. No.’ to, ‘Does this mean old folks? You guys…be for real’.
So why is it that eight years after Age UK’s landmark study, which lead researcher Dr. David Lee hoped would ‘counter stereotypes and misconceptions about late-life sexuality’ are people still weirded out by the thought of older people having good sex?
Exploring the senior sex taboo
Noor argues there’s an outright refusal that older folks are sexual beings, despite the research proving otherwise. ‘We’re discussing it more, but many feel uncomfortable about senior sex because we de-sexualise adults as they age,’ she says. ‘Referring to them in a sexual way becomes strangely repulsive.’
Joan Price, author of the Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex agrees it’s down to The Ick Factor. ‘Like, ‘Eww, old people having sex? That’s disgusting. No, don’t tell me la la la,’’ she says. After losing her husband at 57, Price is now 79 and enjoying her sex life. She believes the taboo is rooted in society’s wider fear of getting older and our mortality.
‘People have been taught growing up, and through the media, that they will only be sexually desirable if they use certain products, dress a certain way, and act a certain way [at a certain age]. That’s harmful.’
67% of over 65s feel sex and intimacy for their age group is rarely or never represented in media
Indeed, a study by Relate found that 67% of over 65s feel sex and intimacy for their age group is rarely or never represented in media. ‘When I went looking for books [about senior sex] it was doom and gloom,’ says Price, adding it felt like the world was saying ‘‘just give it up and crochet or play with grandchildren”. But sexual pleasure has no expiration date!’
Alyson*, 68, who’s been married for 36 years and has sex with her husband, Omar*, 67, twice a week, empathises with younger peoples’ anxieties about getting older. ‘There are many preconceptions: the doddery grandma is patronised and laughed at; her opinions are old fashioned – I think it’s all linked to a loss of respect for older people, like they’re not important, not visible or a nuisance,’ she says. ‘But I absolutely understand [the reaction] as young people don’t want to think about themselves as getting there too.’
“Young people imagine deteriorated bodies and think the whole thing would ‘look’ horrible”
Entrenched beauty standards have also bolstered the perception. ‘Young people imagine deteriorated bodies and think the whole thing would ‘look’ horrible,’ adds Belle. ‘Like two fat lumps of wrinkled flesh in the bed together. I think people think [sex] is meant to be a thing for young women and men. I don’t think my sons want to encounter being told anything about my sex life – and I don’t discuss it with them – but young people should know it can still be a huge amount of fun.’ And, importantly, with health benefits, too.
The joy of senior sex
Two years after his research was published, Lee teamed up with Professor Josie Tetley from Manchester Metropolitan University and after analysing findings from the English Longitudinal Study of Ageing, they discovered a clear link between positive sexual health and intimacy later in life, and better subjective well-being. A separate study published in the Journal Sexual Medicine in 2019 echoed these findings: participants with an average age of 65, who had reported any kind of sexual activity within the last 12 months, were found to have better wellbeing and a higher enjoyment of life.
‘When we experience pleasure and orgasm, the body releases endorphins that can strengthen our immune system, bring pain relief to chronic conditions, and improve our cognitive functioning,’ explains Noor. ‘These are particularly important in our senior years.’
“The health benefits generated from orgasm release are particularly important in our older years”
Miranda Christophers, a psychosexual therapist for online menopause platform Issviva, agrees that, for older people, ‘the benefits of sex may feel more important’ as our bodies age and we experience changes such as increased blood pressure. ‘Studies suggest blood pressure is lowered by physical contact, and being physically close with a romantic partner reduces C-reactive protein (CRP) which relates to inflammation,’ she says.
That said, the rise of senior sex has also brought a rise in STIs such as chlamydia, gonorrhoea and syphilis, with rates among the over 60s and 70s almost doubling in the last decade. Bianca Dunne, a nurse and co-founder of sexual health app iPlaySafe says the amount of people filing for divorce in their 50s and the rise of dating apps targeting the over 50s are contributing factors. ‘The exclusion of the over 50s [in government sexual health campaigns] has also resulted in a lack of education among this age group,’ she says.
Belle, who has always taken an STI test before and after a new partner, has dated a number of older men and seen this lack of senior sex education first-hand. ‘Our generation are meeting people on dating websites regularly and having unprotected sex,’ she says. ‘There’s no fear of pregnancy. Ask a 70-year-old man to put on a condom, I think they’d laugh at you. Our generation doesn’t think about protecting their sexual health.’
Creaks between the sheets
While senior sex can come with healthy benefits – minus the STIs – there’s no denying it’s different. But this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. A survey by sexual wellness brand LELO UK found nearly a third of people over 50 were having the best sex of their lives, 42% were more adventurous, and 16% even said their sex drive has increased.
‘It’s enjoyable in a different way – it doesn’t have the Olympic feats that it used to have; it’s a more quiet and gentle sex,’ says Belle, adding that being put on ‘some wonderful HRT’ during menopause was a game-changer ‘in terms of lubrication and being seriously up for it.’
Research found that nearly a third of people over 50 were having the best sex of their lives
Today, certain positions – missionary and woman-on-top – work better with her unstable knees, back and shoulder pain, which some days can leave her struggling to get out of bed, but the couple vowed to face any age-related problems head on.
Anything that’s failed, we laughed about and tried again. Richard has had trouble with erections since having prostate surgery but we discussed it and he went to see his GP who prescribed Viagra. It worked like magic and boosted his confidence.’
Alyson and Omar have also overcome sexual struggles including, after years of not having sex, Alyson’s one-off fling with a younger man. ‘It came at a time when I felt completely undesirable and it was brief but enough to rekindle feelings about my own desire,’ she says, adding that while she didn’t tell Omar, it led to them rebooting their sexual relationship.
Alyson’s one-off fling with a younger man rebooted her sexual relationship with her husband
Recently, however, Omar has struggled to maintain an erection and refuses to go to his GP. ‘It’s becoming more difficult [to have sex]. I miss the penetration.’ He’s also revealed some new desires, which Alyson isn’t as keen on. ‘He’s asked me to try pegging him. He has a strap-on, which I think he hoped I would use on him, but I won’t – that’s one of my boundaries.’
Since his erectile dysfunction, Omar has also begun collecting gadgets that might help, including butt plugs and cock rings, but they’re ‘an interruption,’ says Alyson, ‘and that can be problematic as I can fall asleep in the 10 minutes it takes to get them out.’
Despite these issues, Alyson loves having an active sex life again. ‘I enjoy orgasms and masturbating together,’ she says, recalling her favourite recent steamy moment. ‘We were on the beach, in a very isolated place, and had a lot of sex on the rocks with Omar managing to maintain his erection. That was good. I quite like outdoor sex!’
Reframing senior sex
And that’s the thing: as humans, we’re designed for sexual pleasure and, as Noor says, denying our sexual nature can hurt us in profound ways. But she also believes a larger cultural reframing towards senior sex will happen, albeit slowly, with people living and loving longer than ever. ‘As society evolves and we learn that we are sexual sensual beings who thrive off physical closeness, we will allow ourselves more permissions to seek closeness, whatever that looks like,’ she says.
Price is already on a mission to encourage this. ‘Sexual pleasure is lifelong. Is it the same as younger age sex? No. It is very different and continues to change and challenge us. But just because we’re challenged doesn’t mean we’re defeated. As long as we educate ourselves and are open minded, sexuality is ageless.’
“As long as we educate ourselves and are open minded, sexuality is ageless”
Lesley Carter, a registered nurse and clinical lead at Age UK agrees that a mindset shift is needed for attitudes to catch up with our increasing life span. ‘It’s about understanding that ageing brings life transitions that can create opportunities for older adults to redefine what sexuality and intimacy mean to them,’ she says.
As Belle, Alyson and research proves, a great sex life in your senior years doesn’t merely exist — it can thrive. ‘Younger people need to know there can be a continuation of a fulfilling sex life,’ says Belle. ‘It’s about your state of mind. It’s like a plant, if you don’t water it, it’ll die. If you keep the spark between you, you can overcome the difficulties that come with age.’ Yes, these horny seniors have a whole lot of experience and a whole lot of untapped wisdom. Let’s stop ignoring them, and start learning from them.
*Names have been changed
Pleasure in your senior years
Advice for now – or the future – according to our experts
1. Do your communication work
‘Share your concerns, challenges and feelings,’ says Carter. ‘This might be explaining: ‘My knees hurt when we use that position, and I lose concentration’ or ‘I’m anxious about having sex because I’m self-conscious about what you think about my ageing body’. Discussing these difficulties could lead to solutions, like agreeing to try new things, or doing things differently.
2. Don’t ignore the pain
‘If you’re experiencing a new pain connected to having sex, it’s sensible [at any age] to discuss that with a healthcare professional,’ Carter says. ‘As we age, our bones, muscles and tendons get stiff and sore, so you can expect some discomfort – that’s normal. But any unfamiliar pain that worries you needs to be monitored and discussed with an expert.’
3. Do reach for the (silicone-based) lube
Vaginal dryness is common with the menopause due to a drop in oestrogen but if untreated, it can lead to irritation and painful sex in your senior years, too. ‘Using a silicone-based lube, like Durex’s silicone based lube or Boots’ own-brand silicone lube,’ advises Dunne. ‘Silicone lubes have a smooth, silky texture, so there’s no need to constantly re-apply, plus they are hypoallergenic which makes them compatible with condoms and sex toys.’
4. Don’t throw away the condoms
‘Even if you’ve experienced menopause, this doesn’t make you immune from STIs,’ says Dunne. So, yes, use a condom. ‘Make sure it doesn’t contain an ingredient that is a known irritant to you or your partner such as latex or fragrance, as this will exacerbate vaginal pain,’ adds Dunne, who recommends Durex’s Naturals Condoms and Smile Makers’ Come Connected Condomswhich are vegan.
5. Do lean on the support
‘It’s helpful if we can identify our own sexual difficulties, and do some research — there is so much information available,’ says Carter. ‘But sexual health centres can offer advice too, like discussing if a medication to treat a sexual problem may impact any other medications you’re taking.’ Age UK, National Council on Ageing, The Pelvic Hub’s Guide to Senior Sex are helpful resources, or check out Joan Price’s blog.
You don’t need a relationship therapist for everything, but when you and your partner are struggling to communicate, a couples therapist can give you some much-needed tools. Of course, it can be hard to know if and when seeking couples therapy is the right move — especially for queer couples. Since LGBTQ+ people have historically been underrepresented in science, literature, and media, it can be difficult for queer couples to know if they’re experiencing normal relationship stress or something bigger.
Throughout my years working as a sex and relationship therapist, I’ve pinpointed signs that you and your partner might need help from a professional. Here are seven signs that it might be time for couples therapy.
1. You’re stuck in an “infinity fight.”
Fighting with your partner isn’t always a bad thing. We all communicate differently, and for many of us, a heated (but respectful) argument is the easiest path toward conflict resolution. That said, it isn’t healthy to fight every day — especially when that fight is always about the same thing. If you and your partner fight about the same issue every time it pops up and nothing seems to change afterwards, you’re in what I call an “infinity fight.”
You could be fighting about anything — friends, family, sex, chores — but if it’s not getting better, then it’s probably just getting worse. It’s okay if you two can’t work it out on your own. That’s what therapy is for!
2. You think there’s room for improvement, but you don’t know where to start.
Couples therapy isn’t only for partners who are at their wits’ end. If you see a problem forming and want to get ahead of it, couples therapy might be right for your relationship.
In many cases, counseling is even more effective if you do it before the tears are flowing and tempers are running hot. There are a million different ways that two people can spark conflict with each other — and there’s no rule book that can tell you how to fix them all — so there’s no shame in seeking professional advice.
3. Being with your partner feels like a chore.
This is one of the saddest things I see as a therapist. Two people are madly in love, but unresolved gripes, conflicts, or complaints suck the life out of them over time.
If it feels like being with your partner is a chore — i.e., you’d rather capitulate than argue with them, their requests always feel like a burden, you try to avoid emotional or physical connection, etc. — then something is clearly wrong.
Likewise, if you feel like your partner is treating you that way no matter what you do, then it’s time to call in some assistance. Couples therapy can help you uncover the origin of those feelings and guide you back to a healthy and happy relationship.
4. Your sex life is struggling.
I often struggle to get clients to open up about sex. Whether they’re unsatisfied, afraid to express their desires, or experiencing shifts in libido, the last thing they want to do is talk to their partner about it.
They might be scared of hurting each other’s feelings or just flat-out uncomfortable talking about sex, so they wait to address it until they can hardly tolerate sex. In other cases, they may have perfect sexual communication but still feel unable to improve. A therapist can help you find out why you’re sexually unsatisfied and get back to sexual bliss with your partner.
5. You have trust issues.
I can tell you right now that a lack of trust will lead to bigger and badder problems in no time. It could be that you’ve been hurt before and feel suspicious, or it could be that your partner’s words or actions are inconsiderate.
We all want to know the truth and we all want to be able to trust our loved ones, but it’s rarely that simple. A therapist can help both of you communicate more honestly with each other. They can also help you find out if that mistrust is coming from you, your partner, or both.
6. You and/or your partner are working through trauma.
I know it feels obvious to seek professional help after experiencing trauma, but few people think to involve their partners in that work. If you’ve been through trauma together, such as a car accident or loss of a child, then you need to heal together.
If one of you has been through something traumatic, it’s normal for the other partner to want to help — even if they don’t know how. It’s natural for all of us to want to be there for those we love. A therapist can help you heal, but they can also teach your partner how to be there for you and vice versa.
7. You and your partner have fundamental differences.
We may not mind our partner’s differences at first. That difference could be a hobby, a political view, religious difference, or any other value or interest you don’t share.
Over time, these differences can turn into points of contention, resentment, or arguments. You probably can’t change that aspect of them, but a therapist can help you both move forward in a healthy way.
Remember: Couples therapy isn’t a last resort.
As the stigma surrounding mental health fades away, therapy is becoming more and more common. You don’t have to wait for an extreme problem to try it. Try a few therapists and see what feels right. Hopefully, you and your partner will start a journey towards a better, stronger relationship. That said, therapy isn’t a fix-all solution for every problem. Sometimes two people simply aren’t compatible — and that’s okay! Therapy can help you discover what steps to take for a healthier life, whether that’s together or apart.
For years, studies have shown that Americans are having less sex, whether they’re teens or in midlife. While researchers posit several different reasons for that—the lasting social effects of a pandemic that encouraged isolation, and more reliance on our devices over human connection, to name just two—I’d wager to say that for plenty of people in monogamous relationships, the idea of sex may just feel unexciting or uninspiring. As a modern love therapist, one of the most common requests I get from people in long-term monogamous relationships is for support in learning how to spice up their relationship, and specifically, their sex lives within it.
While people who are interested in exploring non-monogamy may be able to rev up their sex lives through the novelty of additional partners, those in a monogamous relationship (who aren’t interested in opening it up) may find that the extreme familiarity they have with their partner can become a breeding ground for boring sex. And boring sex likely isn’t pleasurable or satisfying sex, either—which can just make the people involved less likely to seek it out in the first place.
Desire dies at the hands of routine and familiarity because, by nature, it thrives off the unknown.
Desire dies at the hands of routine and familiarity because, by nature, it thrives off the unknown. In order to feel desire, defined as hunger and craving, you have to want something you don’t currently have. And yet, to build an intimate and sustainable relationship, you need to have a person in your life (and in your bed) about whom you know a great deal.
Still, it’s certainly possible to infuse a long-term monogamous relationship with some excitement if you avoid falling into the trap of monotony. Below, find seven easy tactics for how to spice up your relationship and crank the volume on your sex life, even if it’s the same partner every time.
How to spice up your relationship and take the monotony out of monogamy
1. Approach everyday interactions with your partner more mindfully
Research shows that we listen to those we love the least closely because we believe we can predict what they are going to say. When we get used to something or someone, we tend to tune out, rather than tune in. Take, for example, brushing your teeth; do you really pay attention while you’re doing it?
In much the same way, you might realize that you tend to ask your partner how their day was without really listening to the answer, or automatically assume the same sex position or choose to have sex after dinner or with the lights out every time you have it. While there is nothing wrong with any of these practices, in theory, they all present opportunities to numb out rather than really feel—which is necessary to experiencing pleasure.
Choosing to tune into these interactions with a partner rather than allowing them to become passive programming can help you to feel more present and thus more satisfied in your relationship (and in bed).
2. Consider how your sexual desires have evolved since you started dating your partner
In all relationships, we develop patterns of interactions or ways of being together that become familiar. We often forget that when we commit to a person, we aren’t committing to being the same with that person forever. As our circumstances change—we age, have new experiences, grow, experience loss—our needs change, too.
The fact that we transform is not the problem; it’s that many times, we don’t reorient ourselves to our new needs, and therefore don’t alert our partner of these changing needs, either. What you liked when you first met your partner may be very different now, and yet you might still be relying on old patterns of interaction that no longer fit.
Human sexuality expert and sex educator Emily Nagoski, PhD, recommends asking yourself: “What is it that I want when I want sex?” and “What is it that I like when I like sex?” I recommend adding in questions like: “What prevents me from feeling good in my body?” and “What enables me to feel good in my body?” Then, ask your partner the same questions.
It’s important to normalize that desires shift over time, just like our appetites for food.
Don’t be afraid to get detailed in your investigation. It’s important to normalize that desires shift over time, just like our appetites for food, and that consistent inquiry into what you and your partner like will be necessary throughout your relationship to keep sex, well, sexy.
3. Get to know your non-sexual pleasures
If you find that you struggle to answer the questions about sexual desire above, it may be because pleasure isn’t something you feel comfortable owning or experiencing—and probably for very good reason. Your body might not have always felt safe in scenarios where pleasure was involved, or you may have been taught to prioritize what others want from you versus what you want. After all, we live in a world where many bodies are under attack and in a culture that has long privileged men’s pleasure over women’s (hello, orgasm gap).
All of the above could mean you need some personal space to heal your relationship to pleasure. From an emotional perspective, when we are unable to feel pleasure, it’s not because we can’t access it; it’s because our bodies are protecting us from feeling anything at all so as to shield us from pain.
4. Create a transitional pre-sex practice for when the day’s obligations are done
One of the common complaints I hear is that people aren’t “in the mood” or are “too exhausted” at the end of the day for sex and deep connection. I do not doubt the truth of these statements; there are so many demands on our time and energy at this cultural moment.
But what may also be contributing to these feelings is the fact that, when we’re overwhelmed, the part of our brain that can connect is not readily available to us. If we attempt to go from a busy workday, an evening workout, or preparing dinner to pressing “go” on sexual connection, we are setting unrealistic expectations for ourselves.
Instead, create a transitional practice that enables your body to enter a window where connection feels possible. If you typically run anxious, ask yourself, “What sounds, sights, tastes, textures, and/or scents soothe me?” and see how you can incorporate one or more of these sensory items into a pre-sex ritual. Or, if you tend to feel low on energy or fatigued when the time for sex rolls around, do the same thing for the sensations or sensory items that typically energize you.
Integrating, for example, a few songs, movements, or fragrances that bring you back home to your body might give you just what you need to be able to shift into a connection space with your partner and make sex feel more exciting.
5. Get curious about your sex life
When we experience dissatisfaction in our sex life, we typically create a problem-focused narrative. It might sound something like, “My partner is lazy,” or “We aren’t compatible anymore.” The issue with this type of story is that it prevents further investigation. And it’s often just a strategy for avoiding feeling hurt, jealousy, or anger while steering clear of what’s really happening below the surface.
Instead, get curious about what’s happening or what’s changed in the dynamic with your partner. For example, instead of saying, “My partner doesn’t have energy for sex,” ask yourself, “What might be taking up all his energy?” Or, instead of saying, “I just don’t find sex pleasurable with my partner anymore,” ask yourself, “What has shifted for me when it comes to sex, and what may have shifted for her?” These open-ended questions offer up new pathways for connection, rather than shutting them down.
6. Discuss the sensitive or tough stuff
Sometimes, a boring or unsexy sex life is actually covering up disconnection in a relationship, which never feels good. Because our brains like to focus on what is familiar and predictable, many of us avoid asking questions about things that we fear, or to which the answers could vary widely. But when we aren’t talking about what’s really coming up for us, silence or physical disengagement accrues around these tough topics and creates thick layers of distance between us. And sex tends to fall away (or become less satisfying) in the resulting chasm.
When we aren’t talking about what’s really coming up for us, silence or physical disengagement accrues around these tough topics and creates thick layers of distance between us.
Ask yourself: What are you wondering about your partner, but are afraid to know the answer to? Some ideas are: “What sexual fantasies do you have that exist outside of us, and how would you want to share them with me?”, “What do you wish were different about our relationship?”, “What do you feel insecure about in our relationship?”, “What makes it hard for you to connect with me?”, and “What ideas do you have about bringing more fire into our connection?” Anything that invites newness into a relationship has the potential to enliven it.
7. Spend time doing fun things outside of your relationship
This sounds counterintuitive, but in actuality, finding joy outside of a relationship can help you thrive within the relationship. Sometimes, we depend too heavily on our partners to meet our every need, and this puts too much weight on the relationship for it to thrive. The route to closeness might actually be differentiation and spending more time on your own.
How are you nurturing your own garden? What is your sexual relationship with yourself like? Do you still do things that bring you playfulness and joy that have nothing to do with your partner? Accessing the sensual, sexual, and curious parts of you that you may have left behind when you coupled up won’t just leave you feeling more fulfilled; it could also help you do your part in reigniting a spark between you and your partner.
Boundaries protect our well-being and foster functional and healthy relationships, but to be effective, the foundation has to be applied correctly.
Those who were raised without the education of psychologists on TikTok may be used to people crossing lines in our lives while thinking nothing of it. So the idea of setting and maintaining boundaries with people may feel alien.
But it’s never too late to learn how to “throw down a boundary.”
What are boundaries?
“Boundaries, simply put, are what is and isn’t acceptable when it comes to our treatment,” said Michelle Elman, a London-based life coach and author of “The Selfish Romantic.” “We need them in all areas of our life in order to know our identity, honor our needs and stand up for ourselves.”
Boundaries apply in all spheres of life and act as a verbal shield for our physical, emotional, sexual and relationship needs.
“Physical boundaries relate to your physical space and personal touch,” said Pippa Murphy, a London-based sex and relationship expert for Condoms.UK. “Examples of physical boundaries include not allowing people to invade your personal space, not tolerating unwanted physical touch and being clear about your comfort level with displays of affection.”
‘Boundaries, simply put, are what is and isn’t acceptable when it comes to our treatment.’
Potential emotional boundaries could encompass limiting the information you share with new people or restricting what topics you are comfortable joking about. Time boundaries help maintain a strict separation between work and leisure time.
“Relationship boundaries relate to how you interact with others in your relationships,” she added. “Examples of relationship boundaries include being clear about what you will and will not tolerate in terms of behavior, not allowing others to control or manipulate you, and being clear about your own needs and expectations in the relationship.”
Digital boundaries refer to your use of technology and social media. These could include not responding to work emails outside of work hours, limiting what personal information you share online and how much time you spend on social media.
Identifying your boundaries
Not everyone’s boundaries look identical; therefore, it’s crucial to ask yourself: What are mine?
Don’t apply someone else’s rulebook to your own life out of convenience.
“Take note of when you feel uncomfortable or uneasy in a situation,” Murphy explained. “What were the circumstances? What was it about the situation that made you feel uncomfortable? Next, pay attention to how you react in these situations, as your body and mind are likely to have given you physical or emotional cues that your boundaries were crossed.”
Focus on what’s important to you because understanding your core values will make it easier to set boundaries that align with your life.
“All of this will help you identify your own boundaries, but it’s important to be patient with yourself when setting your first boundary, as it can be an ongoing process of trial and error,” Murphy noted. “You may need to adjust your boundaries as you go along, and that’s OK. It’s part of the process of finding out what your real boundaries are.”
Communicating your boundaries to others
Communicating boundaries is fundamental. If they only live in your head, others won’t know they’ve crossed a line.
“It’s OK to be scared, have nerves or feel awkward,” Elman said. “You are doing something new for the first time. Set the boundary anyway. Your feelings are valid but they should not dictate your behavior. Say something rather than saying nothing.”
No one needs to know a boundary’s origin to respect it, so don’t feel pressured to divulge details. Be honest, succinct and direct when communicating your boundary.
“Use ‘I’ statements to communicate your feelings and needs,” Murphy recommended. “For example, ‘I need some alone time right now’ or ‘I don’t like being hugged.'”
Be specific about where the conversation happens. At work, it may require a formal meeting and an advocate. If it’s sexual, the discussion should take place away from the distraction of the bedroom.
“When you have built up your practice in easier situations, more challenging situations will feel less of a challenge,” Elman said. “Respond to other people’s boundaries how you would like other people to respond to yours.”
Dealing with broken or disrespected boundaries
“The two main feelings will be anger and resentment, and these will tell you that your boundaries have been crossed,” Elman explained. “Once you have noticed that, you can take action and do something about it. The word no is the first and simplest boundary to learn. If you can’t use your no, then your yes has no power either.”
Respond when someone breaks or disrespects a boundary. Silence is often read as acceptance, so re-establish your boundaries firmly and unapologetically.
“By reinforcing it, you are telling the person you are serious about your boundary and when you add a consequence, you need to follow through on that consequence,” she added. “If you do not feel safe to be assertive, then that’s a room you should get yourself out of as soon as possible.”
A consequence may look like restricting contact with a person, such as removing them from your social media account, for example, if they shared imagery without your consent.
Maintaining boundaries in the long-term
Boundaries are never finished. They expand, update and evolve over time, often unpredictably. Don’t get lax; pay attention by prioritizing making regular check-ins, Murphy suggested.
“Ask yourself questions such as, ‘Do I feel comfortable with this boundary?’ ‘Does this boundary align with my values and beliefs?’ and ‘Has anything changed that might affect how I feel about this boundary?'” she said. “Pay attention to your emotions as you reflect on the boundary.”
When checking a boundary, you don’t need to seek change, but you do need to explore whether its limits need an update. As when we’re setting a boundary, if one needs to evolve, your emotions will tell you. Listen to them.
“Think about your needs and priorities in the situation,” Murphy said. “Does the boundary help you feel safe, respected or valued? Or does it hinder your ability to connect with others or achieve your goals? Consider how the boundary fits into your overall needs and priorities. Based on your reflection, emotions and needs, decide if you need to take any action to adjust the boundary.”
Intimacy is a vital component of any successful relationship, and one key aspect of intimacy is the ability to openly and honestly discuss sex and sexual desires with your partner. In this article, we will delve into the importance of mastering the art of talking about sex, providing you with valuable insights and practical tips to foster a deeper connection with your loved one.
Understanding the Benefits of Open Communication about Sex
When couples engage in open communication about their sexual desires and needs, they unlock a multitude of benefits for their relationship. First and foremost, it strengthens both the emotional and physical intimacy between partners. By discussing your desires, you create an environment of trust and vulnerability that allows for a deeper connection to flourish.
Open communication about sex helps to resolve conflicts and address concerns that may arise. Misunderstandings and unmet expectations can lead to frustration and distance, but by openly discussing your needs, you can identify and address any issues, ensuring a healthier and happier sexual relationship.
Finally, discussing sexual desires promotes sexual satisfaction and exploration. It allows you and your partner to understand each other’s preferences, fantasies, and boundaries, enabling you to explore new experiences together and enhance your shared intimacy.
Creating a Safe and Supportive Environment
To embark on conversations about sex successfully, it is crucial to create a safe and supportive environment for both you and your partner. This begins with establishing trust and non-judgment. Ensure that your partner feels comfortable expressing their desires without fear of criticism or ridicule.
Additionally, setting aside dedicated time for these conversations demonstrates their importance and shows your commitment to understanding and meeting each other’s needs. It could be during a quiet evening at home or on a leisurely walk—choose a setting where you can both relax and focus on the discussion.
Active listening and empathy are also key components of creating a safe space. Truly listen to your partner, without interrupting or imposing your own opinions. Seek to understand their perspective and validate their feelings and desires. This will foster an environment where both of you can be vulnerable and honest.
Breaking the Ice: Initiating the Conversation
Starting the conversation about sex can be daunting, but with the right approach, you can break the ice and create an atmosphere of openness. Choose an appropriate time and place where you can both feel relaxed and uninterrupted. Express your intentions clearly by letting your partner know that you value their satisfaction and want to enhance your sexual connection.
When framing the conversation, focus on the positive aspects. Highlight the benefits of discussing sexual desires and emphasize that it is a natural and essential part of any loving relationship. By approaching the topic with positivity and enthusiasm, you set the tone for a productive and comfortable dialogue.
Effective Communication Techniques
Effective communication techniques play a vital role in discussing sex with your partner. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and desires, as they can help avoid sounding accusatory or critical. For example, say, “I would love to try something new that I’ve been thinking about,” rather than, “You never do anything exciting in bed.”
Active listening is equally important. Show genuine interest in your partner’s perspective and actively listen to their thoughts and feelings. Validate their emotions and let them know that you understand and appreciate their point of view. Additionally, asking open-ended questions encourages deeper conversations and allows for a more comprehensive understanding of each other’s desires.
Non-verbal communication and body language cues can also enhance your conversations about sex. Maintain eye contact, offer reassuring touches, and be mindful of your partner’s reactions. These non-verbal cues help create an atmosphere of comfort and connection.
The Power of Self-Reflection: Understanding and Communicating Your Desires
Self-reflection is a vital component of understanding your own desires, fantasies, and boundaries when it comes to sex. Taking the time to explore your innermost thoughts and feelings empowers you to engage in more meaningful and effective conversations with your partner. Here’s why self-reflection is important and some prompts or exercises to guide you:
1. Understanding Your Own Desires: Self-reflection allows you to delve into your own desires and gain clarity about what truly excites and fulfills you. By understanding your own needs, you can better articulate them to your partner, leading to more satisfying and mutually enjoyable experiences.
Prompts for Self-Reflection:
What activities or experiences have I found pleasurable or fulfilling in the past?
What are my current sexual fantasies or desires?
What turns me on mentally, emotionally, and physically?
Are there any specific boundaries or limits I have regarding sexual activities?
How do I feel about exploring new experiences or pushing the boundaries of my comfort zone?
2. Examining Your Boundaries: Self-reflection helps you identify your personal boundaries and limitations. Understanding what you are comfortable with and what you are not is essential for maintaining a healthy and consensual sexual relationship. It also enables you to communicate your boundaries clearly to your partner.
Prompts for Self-Reflection:
What are my hard limits or non-negotiable boundaries when it comes to sexual activities?
Are there any specific activities or scenarios that make me feel uncomfortable or trigger negative emotions?
How do I feel about experimenting with new activities or fantasies?
What are my emotional and physical limits in terms of intimacy and vulnerability?
3. Exploring Fantasies and Desires: Self-reflection allows you to explore your sexual fantasies and desires in a safe and private space. By understanding and acknowledging your own fantasies, you can communicate them to your partner with confidence, fostering a deeper level of intimacy and understanding.
Prompts for Self-Reflection:
What are my current sexual fantasies or secret desires?
How do these fantasies align with my personal values and boundaries?
Are there any specific scenarios, role-playing, or power dynamics that excite me?
How comfortable am I with sharing my fantasies with my partner?
4. Expressing Yourself Effectively: Self-reflection empowers you to express yourself effectively and confidently when discussing your desires with your partner. It allows you to find the right words and articulate your needs, ensuring that your communication is clear, respectful, and mutually understandable.
Prompts for Self-Reflection:
How can I communicate my desires and boundaries assertively and without judgment?
Are there any fears or insecurities that hinder me from expressing my needs openly?
How can I create a safe and non-judgmental space for open conversations with my partner?
Am I actively listening to my partner’s needs and desires, and how can I improve in this area?
Engaging in self-reflection exercises or prompts can be a transformative and empowering journey. Remember, self-discovery is an ongoing process, and your desires may evolve over time. By understanding your own desires, boundaries, and fantasies, you equip yourself with the knowledge and confidence to engage in open, meaningful, and fulfilling conversations with your partner, fostering a deeper connection and greater sexual satisfaction for both of you.
The Power of Active Listening: Techniques and Tips for Effective Communication
Active listening is a crucial skill when discussing sex and desires with your partner. It involves not just hearing their words but fully engaging and understanding their perspective. Here are specific techniques and tips to enhance your active listening skills during these intimate conversations:
Paraphrasing and Summarizing: After your partner expresses their thoughts or desires, paraphrase their statements to ensure you have understood them correctly. Rephrase their words in your own language and repeat it back to them. This demonstrates that you are actively listening and seeking clarity. Additionally, summarizing their main points can help solidify your understanding and encourage further discussion.
Example: “So, if I understand correctly, you’re saying that you’d like to try incorporating more sensory stimulation during our intimate moments, like using scented candles and soft music. Is that right?”
Reflective Listening: Reflective listening goes beyond paraphrasing; it involves acknowledging and validating your partner’s emotions. Pay attention to the underlying feelings behind their words and reflect them back to your partner. This shows empathy and creates a safe space for them to express themselves authentically.
Example: “It sounds like you feel a bit anxious about sharing your fantasies with me. I want you to know that I appreciate your vulnerability and am here to listen without judgment.”
Non-Verbal Cues: Remember that active listening extends beyond words. Your non-verbal cues, such as eye contact, facial expressions, and body language, play a significant role in conveying your attentiveness and interest. Maintain eye contact, nod to show understanding, and use open and welcoming body language to indicate your engagement in the conversation.
Avoid Interruptions and Distractions: Give your partner your undivided attention during these discussions. Avoid interrupting or interjecting with your own thoughts before they have finished speaking. Put away distractions like phones or electronic devices to demonstrate your commitment to active listening.
Ask Clarifying Questions: If there are aspects that you’re uncertain about or need further elaboration on, don’t hesitate to ask clarifying questions. Seek specific details or examples to deepen your understanding and ensure that you are on the same page. This shows your genuine interest and commitment to comprehending their perspective.
Example: “When you mention wanting to explore new experiences, could you give me an example of something specific you have in mind?”
Practice Empathy and Open-Mindedness: Approach these conversations with empathy and an open mind. Set aside any preconceived notions or judgments you may have. Try to understand your partner’s feelings and desires from their unique perspective, even if they differ from your own. Validate their emotions and experiences without dismissing or invalidating them.
Active listening is a continuous process that requires practice and patience. By incorporating these techniques into your discussions about sex and desires, you create an environment of trust, understanding, and mutual respect. Your partner will feel heard and valued, fostering a stronger connection and deeper intimacy between you both.
Navigating Difficult Topics and Overcoming Challenges
While discussing sex can be exciting and fulfilling, it can also bring forth challenges and sensitive topics. It’s essential to approach these conversations with sensitivity and compassion. If either partner has insecurities or fears, provide reassurance and create a safe space for open dialogue.
Differences in sexual preferences may arise, but it is essential to approach them with understanding and respect. Find ways to compromise or explore alternatives that can satisfy both partners. If deeper issues related to past traumas or experiences surface, it may be necessary to seek professional help to navigate these complexities together.
Enhancing Intimacy through Exploration and Experimentation
Once you have established open communication, don’t be afraid to explore and experiment together. Encourage mutual consent and respect each other’s boundaries. Share your fantasies and desires, and be open to discovering new experiences and techniques. Regularly check in with each other to ensure that you are meeting each other’s evolving needs.
Dealing with Rejection or Disagreements
Rejection or disagreements regarding sexual desires can be challenging to navigate, but they don’t have to be detrimental to your relationship. It is crucial to respect your partner’s boundaries and limits. If they express discomfort or say no to a particular desire, honor their decision without pressuring or resenting them.
Managing rejection requires empathy and understanding. Remember that everyone has different preferences and comfort levels. Approach the situation with compassion and maintain emotional connection even when desires differ. By keeping the lines of communication open, you can find compromises or alternatives that maintain the intimate bond between you and your partner.
Navigating Cultural and Gender Dynamics in Discussions about Sex
It is crucial to acknowledge that cultural and gender factors can significantly impact discussions about sex within a relationship. Societal norms, values, and expectations regarding sexuality can vary widely, and individuals may have different comfort levels when it comes to expressing their desires. Navigating these dynamics sensitively and respectfully is key to fostering open conversations about sex. Here are some guidelines to help you navigate cultural and gender influences in your discussions:
Recognize and Respect Diverse Cultural Perspectives: Understand that cultural backgrounds can shape beliefs, attitudes, and expectations around sex. Be sensitive to the influence of cultural norms on your own views and those of your partner. Foster an open-minded approach that values and respects diverse cultural perspectives on sexuality.
Communicate About Expectations: Cultural expectations regarding gender roles, power dynamics, and sexual practices can vary. It is essential to have open conversations about your unique experiences, expectations, and any potential tensions that may arise due to cultural differences. Encourage your partner to share their perspectives and actively listen without judgment.
Embrace a Non-Judgmental Stance: When discussing sex, create a safe and non-judgmental environment where both partners feel comfortable expressing their desires, boundaries, and concerns. Be mindful of any cultural or societal biases that may inadvertently influence your reactions or judgments. Approach the conversation with curiosity and a genuine desire to understand your partner’s point of view.
Seek Empathy and Understanding: Cultural and gender dynamics can create power imbalances within a relationship. It is essential to be mindful of these dynamics and strive for equality and mutual respect. Practice empathy by putting yourself in your partner’s shoes and seeking to understand their experiences within their cultural context. Validate their feelings and perspectives, even if they differ from your own.
Educate Yourself: Take the initiative to educate yourself about different cultural and gender perspectives on sex. Read books, articles, or engage in respectful discussions to broaden your understanding. This knowledge will enable you to approach conversations with cultural sensitivity, avoiding assumptions or stereotypes.
Emphasize Consent and Agency: Regardless of cultural or gender influences, consent and agency should always be central in discussions about sex. Encourage open conversations about consent, ensuring that both partners have equal decision-making power and respect each other’s boundaries. Prioritize enthusiastic and ongoing consent throughout your sexual relationship.
Seek Support and Resources: If navigating cultural or gender dynamics becomes challenging, seek professional guidance. A sex therapist or relationship counselor can provide specialized support and strategies to navigate these complexities effectively.
Remember, the goal is to foster open conversations that honor and respect the unique experiences, expectations, and cultural backgrounds of both you and your partner. By creating an inclusive and understanding space, you can strengthen your bond and cultivate a healthier and more fulfilling sexual relationship.
The Crucial Role of Consent in Sexual Relationships: Integrating Open Communication
Consent forms the foundation of healthy and respectful sexual relationships. It is essential to recognize and prioritize the importance of consent in all sexual encounters. Open communication plays a pivotal role in obtaining and respecting consent, ensuring that both partners feel safe, respected, and in control. Here’s why consent matters and how you can integrate it into your sexual discussions and encounters:
Understanding Consent: Consent is an ongoing, enthusiastic, and voluntary agreement between all parties involved in a sexual encounter. It is essential that consent is clear, unambiguous, and freely given without coercion, manipulation, or pressure. Consent must be actively communicated and can be withdrawn at any point if one or both partners no longer feel comfortable.
The Importance of Open Communication: Open communication is the key to obtaining and respecting consent. By fostering an environment of trust and respect, you and your partner can openly discuss boundaries, desires, and preferences. Here’s how to integrate consent into your sexual discussions and encounters:
Establish Consent as a Shared Value: Begin by having a conversation with your partner about the importance of consent. Emphasize that it is a fundamental aspect of your sexual relationship and that both of you are committed to practicing consent at all times.
Discuss Boundaries and Preferences: Engage in open and non-judgmental conversations about each other’s boundaries, desires, and comfort levels. Encourage your partner to express what they are comfortable with, what they are not, and any specific limits they may have. Share your own boundaries as well. Remember, consent is an ongoing process, and boundaries may evolve over time, so make it a regular topic of discussion.
Use Clear and Affirmative Language: When initiating sexual activities, use clear and affirmative language to seek consent. Ask for explicit verbal consent for each new activity or progression. For example, phrases like “Is it okay if I…?” or “Would you like me to…?” can be used to ensure that both partners are on the same page and comfortable with the next step.
Prioritize Enthusiastic Consent: Strive for enthusiastic consent, which means that both partners are actively and eagerly participating. Pay attention to verbal and non-verbal cues that indicate enthusiasm, such as verbal expressions of desire, positive body language, and active engagement. Silence or hesitation should be interpreted as a lack of consent or a request for further communication.
Communicate Throughout the Encounter: Consent is not a one-time event; it should be ongoing throughout the sexual encounter. Continuously check in with your partner, both verbally and non-verbally, to ensure that they are still comfortable and consenting. Encourage open communication during the experience, allowing both partners to voice any concerns, desires, or changes in boundaries.
Respect Withdrawn Consent: It is essential to respect and honor the withdrawal of consent at any point. If your partner expresses discomfort, uses a safeword, or communicates a desire to stop or slow down, immediately cease the activity and provide emotional support. Create a judgment-free environment where your partner feels empowered to communicate their needs and boundaries without fear of repercussions.
Regularly Revisit and Reassess Consent: Consent can evolve over time, and it is crucial to revisit and reassess it regularly. Check in with your partner outside of sexual encounters to discuss any changes in boundaries, desires, or concerns. Regular communication ensures that both partners’ consent is continually upheld and respected.
By integrating open communication and enthusiastic consent into your sexual discussions and encounters, you create an environment of trust, respect, and mutual understanding. This approach fosters a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship where both partners can freely and confidently explore their desires while feeling safe and respected. Remember, consent is an ongoing process that requires active participation from both individuals involved, and it should always be at the forefront of your sexual interactions.
The Powerful Connection Between Emotional and Sexual Intimacy
Emotional and sexual intimacy are deeply interconnected aspects of a fulfilling relationship. They mutually influence and enhance one another, creating a profound bond between partners. By engaging in open discussions about sexual desires and needs, couples can foster emotional connection, while emotional vulnerability can enrich sexual satisfaction and build trust. Let’s explore the dynamic relationship between emotional and sexual intimacy:
Fostering Emotional Connection through Discussions about Desires:
When partners engage in open and honest conversations about their sexual desires and needs, it creates a space of vulnerability and trust. Here’s how discussing sexual desires can foster emotional connection:
Heightened Intimacy: Sharing intimate details about one’s desires and fantasies builds a deeper emotional connection. It shows a willingness to be vulnerable and allows partners to see and understand each other’s innermost desires and preferences.
Enhanced Communication: Talking about sexual desires requires effective communication, active listening, and empathy. This process helps develop communication skills that can extend beyond sexual discussions, improving overall communication in the relationship.
Mutual Understanding and Acceptance: Engaging in discussions about desires helps partners understand each other’s unique perspectives and preferences. This understanding fosters acceptance, reducing judgment or misunderstanding and creating a safe space for exploration.
Building Trust: Sharing desires requires trust and vulnerability. When partners openly express their needs without fear of judgment or rejection, it deepens the trust between them. This trust extends to other aspects of the relationship, promoting overall relationship satisfaction.
The Role of Emotional Vulnerability in Sexual Satisfaction:
Emotional vulnerability is essential for establishing a strong foundation of sexual satisfaction and trust. Here’s how emotional vulnerability can enhance sexual experiences:
Increased Intimacy and Connection: When partners feel emotionally safe to be vulnerable, it paves the way for a deeper level of intimacy during sexual encounters. Sharing emotions, fears, and insecurities allows for a stronger emotional bond, leading to enhanced sexual satisfaction.
Heightened Sensitivity and Responsiveness: Emotional vulnerability enables partners to be more attuned to each other’s needs and emotions during sexual experiences. This heightened sensitivity enhances responsiveness, leading to more fulfilling and satisfying encounters.
Overcoming Insecurities and Shame: By embracing emotional vulnerability, individuals can address insecurities and shame related to their bodies, desires, or past experiences. This self-acceptance promotes a healthier body image and enables individuals to fully engage in and enjoy their sexual experiences.
Deepened Trust and Emotional Safety: Opening up emotionally fosters a sense of trust and emotional safety within the relationship. Feeling secure in sharing vulnerable aspects of one’s self allows partners to let go of inhibitions and fully explore their desires together.
Intertwined Emotional and Physical Pleasure: Emotional vulnerability encourages partners to focus not just on physical pleasure but also on emotional connection and mutual satisfaction. This holistic approach leads to a more fulfilling and meaningful sexual experience for both individuals.
By recognizing the powerful connection between emotional and sexual intimacy, couples can cultivate a deeper level of understanding, trust, and satisfaction. Engaging in open discussions about sexual desires and needs while embracing emotional vulnerability enhances the overall quality of the relationship and creates a solid foundation for a fulfilling and passionate connection.
Evolving Sexual Desires and Needs in Long-Term Relationships: Nurturing Open Communication
In long-term relationships, it is natural for sexual desires and needs to evolve and change over time. As individuals grow and develop, so do their preferences and expectations when it comes to intimacy. Nurturing open communication about sex is crucial to adapting and sustaining a fulfilling sexual connection as the relationship progresses. Here’s advice on how to navigate these changes and ensure that both partners feel heard and fulfilled:
1. Embrace Change and Growth: Recognize that sexual desires and needs can evolve over time. Embrace this change as a natural part of the relationship journey. Understand that what satisfied you and your partner in the past may not be the same as what excites you both now. Approach these changes with curiosity and an open mind.
2. Create a Safe and Non-Judgmental Space: Establish a safe and non-judgmental space where both partners feel comfortable expressing their evolving desires and needs. Encourage open dialogue by assuring your partner that their thoughts and feelings will be received with understanding and respect. Avoid shaming or dismissing their desires, even if they differ from your own.
3. Regularly Check-In: Make it a habit to regularly check in with each other about your sexual experiences and satisfaction. Schedule dedicated times to have conversations about your evolving desires and needs. This ensures that both partners have an opportunity to express themselves and be heard.
4. Practice Active Listening: When discussing evolving sexual desires and needs, practice active listening. Be fully present and attentive to your partner’s words, emotions, and non-verbal cues. Seek to understand their perspective without interrupting or dismissing their thoughts. Paraphrase their statements and reflect back what you’ve understood to ensure clarity.
5. Share Vulnerability and Fantasies: Encourage each other to share vulnerabilities and fantasies openly. Creating a space where both partners feel safe to express their deepest desires fosters intimacy and trust. Discussing fantasies can also lead to new and exciting experiences that fulfill both partners’ evolving needs.
6. Explore Together: Approach the evolution of sexual desires and needs as an opportunity for exploration and growth as a couple. Discuss new experiences, techniques, or fantasies that you both may be interested in exploring. This shared journey of discovery strengthens your bond and promotes ongoing sexual satisfaction.
7. Seek Professional Support: If navigating these changes becomes challenging, consider seeking support from a sex therapist or relationship counselor. These professionals can provide guidance and tools to help navigate evolving sexual desires and foster open communication within the relationship.
Remember, open communication about evolving sexual desires and needs is a continuous process. It requires ongoing effort and a willingness to adapt and grow together. By nurturing open dialogue, embracing change, and exploring new experiences, you can sustain a fulfilling and intimate sexual connection throughout the course of your long-term relationship.
Unlocking intimacy through open and honest conversations about sex is a powerful tool for deepening your connection with your loved one. By creating a safe and supportive environment, using effective communication techniques, navigating difficult topics with sensitivity, and embracing exploration, you can master the art of talking about sex. Through these conversations, you will build a stronger, more fulfilling relationship, and embark on a journey of shared pleasure and intimacy that will continue to evolve and grow.
In a time where sex education isn’t mandated in many parts of the country (and the world), it’s no surprise that we don’t know where to turn for sex advice.Sex educators are often pushed off social media platforms, letting online misinformation fester.
Thankfully, here at Mashable, we pride ourselves in providing evidence-based, inclusive advice that you won’t get in school — or by watching porn, for that matter.
Here are 6 pieces of the best sex advice of 2023 (so far).
Set your boundaries
Whether you’re with a new or longtime partner, setting sexual boundaries is a must. That doesn’t mean it’s easy, though; communicating about sex can be difficult when we’re not used to it. You don’t have to rush into it, though. In fact, the first step is to figure out what your boundaries are, and only you alone can do that.
Once you know what you do and don’t want in bed, set the scene for the sensitive conversation. Set a time and private place for it. Then, use “I” statements, like “I don’t like to be touched there.” Check out our guide to setting sexual boundaries for more in-depth tips.
Why can I orgasm from masturbation, but not sex?
If you can cum on your own but not with your partner, you’re not alone. As experts told us, it’s understandable to orgasm freely by yourself; you’re not thinking about your performance, how you look, or focusing on your partner’s pleasure instead of your own. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible to orgasm in partnered sex, though! Some tips are to try mutual masturbation, incorporate sex toys, and focus on exploring your own body.
Top orgasm tip
If the above tips aren’t working, maybe consider the most important ingredient to achieve orgasm: emotional safety. As sex and relationship therapist Lena Elkhatib said, “Having an orgasm requires us to be able to [be] present with the sensation of pleasure in our body and relaxed enough to allow ourselves the release at climax.” This can’t happen if we feel unsafe, which can be caused by a variety of issues, from trauma to a judgmental partner. Our brains are the biggest sex organ, so whatever’s going on “up here” will impact “down there.”
How can I last longer in bed?
Our society is obsessed with lasting longer in bed — when the reality is the average time between getting an erection and orgasming is 5-7 minutes. Still, there are expert-approved ways to take your time, including edging, and taking penetration out of the equation entirely. But remember that lasting longer doesn’t necessarily mean your partner wants to be penetrated the entire time! There are other ways both partners can pleasure each other, penetration or not.
I want to try kink…
Want to dive into Dom/sub dynamics but don’t know where to start? Look no further than our guide, which goes over the basics of what Dom/sub dynamics actually are, different ways it could play out, how to establish boundaries, and the importance of aftercare. If your knowledge of BDSM comes from TV or movies, know that there’s a lot more to explore and a lot of knowledge to learn. In fact, don’t dive into a D/s dynamic before reading up about it. And, as always: the key word is “consent.”
How to have sober sex
We’re rounding out the best sex advice of the first half of 2023 with a breakdown of how to have sex sober. For anyone who has mostly done it under the influence, sober sex can feel daunting — and that’s okay. Sex is a vulnerable act, and you may be used to dulling your senses with substances. We asked the experts for tips on how to go to into sex clear-headed, and you might even find the benefits of stone-cold sober sex — like feeling more sensations.
When you first meet someone you’re interested in dating or pursuing a romantic relationship with, you may find yourself intensely curious about them. Perhaps you find yourself doing a sneaky Insta-scroll or wading through old tagged photos on Facebook—you want to know everything, from the seemingly mundane and simple to the complex and more intimate details.
It’s likely if you feel this way that you already like what you know about this person, and the good news is that you’re already unknowingly engaging in a foundational practice that relationship researcher John Gottman, PhD, co-founder of The Gottman Institute, says builds and sustains long-lasting love: creating a love map.
That inner world encompasses whatever knowledge you have about your partner—their wants, fears, favorites, hopes, dreams, things they despise, their core memories. “It’s everything from what it was like for you in third grade, to who you get along with at work, or how you get along with your mom, or how you like your coffee,” says Silverstein. Each map is individual, but shared memories, for example how you first met or any trips you’ve taken together, go into each person’s map of their partner. All this information paints a more complete picture of the person for their significant other.
This practice is key to building a bedrock of intimacy, trust, and connection because it shows partners that you have genuine interest in who they are. First introduced in Dr. Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, the love map is one of the seven key components that make up what Dr. Gottman calls the “sound relationship house.”
Dr. Gottman believes that a stable relationship is like a house; it needs strong support—and a solid foundation—to stay standing. The first three levels of the house, explains Silverstein, are all about establishing a foundation of friendship. Creating a love maps is the first piece of this friendship-building stage.
Gathering—and retaining—all this information about your S.O. (or a prospective S.O.) shows that you care about them by making them feel seen and not alone, says certified Gottman couples therapist Kimberly Panganiban, LMFT, which boosts and deepens your connection. “The foundation of a strong friendship is knowing someone and feeling known, and being able to open up and share your internal world, and trusting that person will remember those things, ” she says. Knowing someone also helps you be a better partner to them, and vice versa. When someone is in a relationship where their partner doesn’t care about or remember their inner world, it can feel isolating, lonely, and hurtful, says Silverstein—these feelings don’t lend themselves to a lasting, loving partnership.
This same principle applies to getting to know someone you are considering making your partner. Every time you go on a date, you probably ask open-ended questions because you want to learn more about who they are and to suss out whether they’re a compatible match, says Silverstein. This exchange is key to decide if you want to go on a second date.
Think about why it feels annoying and uncomfortable when a date doesn’t ask you any questions about yourself—it gives the impression they don’t care to know more about you, while someone who is interested and engaged in conversation and wants to know more is appealing and trying to build a connection. Doing the work to learn about someone shows you care, say Panganiban and Silverstein, which builds the foundation your relationship rests on.
How to build a love map of your partner
Ask open-ended questions and retain the answers
Building love maps happens through communication. To learn more about your partner, Panganiban and Silverstein suggest asking open-ended questions that allow your partner (or a person you’re interested in) to tell you about themselves. Open-ended questions are ones that can’t be answered with a simple yes or no, and that require whoever is asked to give detailed answers that’ll help you glean more about who they are. As you learn more about your partner and build their love map, Silverstein says you’ll naturally use these answers to inform your relationship. For example, Silverstein says, if you find out your partner is allergic to shellfish you will be sure not to plan a date night at a restaurant where it’s served.
Non-verbal communication is also part of building love maps, too.
According to Silverstein, every time you observe your partner and their behavior is a time you add to your love map—it’s all about gathering information. For example, maybe you notice your partners smiles a lot when you cuddle or stroke their hair, so you can add that they like when you do that to their love map. Or, perhaps you notice they like to sleep in soft cotton pajamas—in turn, you could use this information by deciding to buy them a pair for their birthday.
Of course, it’s key to remember that you may not know everything about your partner, and that’s okay. Save for major parts of who they are or what they want, it’s okay if you’re not always up to date on what they had for lunch the previous day or can’t recall the name of their best friend from college, says Silverstein—that doesn’t mean you’re lacking connection, or necessarily that your relationship isn’t strong. Some people are more observant than others or more detail-oriented, plus each person in a relationship has the right to privacy, and building a love map certainly shouldn’t involve interrogating or surveilling your partner, or toppling their boundaries.
If you find yourself wanting to know more or like your knowledge of them is lacking in one arena, there’s an easy fix, says Silverstein—ask more questions, and remember their answers! The process of building your love map should feel fun and rewarding, not taxing and tough. “It’s important to be really generous and patient as you get to know each other, and not feel pressure to get it right because getting to know each other is a fun activity,” she adds.
“It’s important to be really generous and patient as you get to know each other, and not feel pressure to get it right because getting to know each other is a fun activity.”—Silverstein
Keep in mind: you’re never done building your love map, because there’s always more to learn about your partner. According to Panganiban and Silverstein, it’s key to keep these conversations going and even if you feel you know your partner inside and out because people change constantly. Just like you wouldn’t use an outdated map on a road trip, you don’t want to be without the current version of your partner’s inner world, either.
Questions to ask to get deeper
So how do you put this into practice? To return to our road trip metaphor, think about what would go into a map: once you have the broad contours of the route from point A to point B sorted out, you can start to paint a more detailed picture of that path—think about the detours, the coffee shops and lunch spots along the way, and the cool sights to see. The same concept applies to building your love map, says Silverstein.
Here’s what this looks like in a dating scenario: Let’s say you’re on a first date, and keen to learn more—you’re probably not going to ask about someone’s biggest trauma, and you may find it odd if someone did the same to you. According to Silverstein, it’s best to “test the waters of vulnerability so you’re not putting your heart on a platter for someone you don’t know yet,” so it’s best to ask your questions in phases starting from more surface level to more deep and vulnerable. (This doesn’t have to happen in one sitting, by the way.)
What does this look like in practice? You could start by asking someone about what kind of music they like or what their favorite hobby or food is, suggests Silverstein, then if they respond well this could lead to questions with more detailed and intimate answers. The point is to open more doors as the conversation and relationship progresses, so you can add more to the love map.
Not sure where to start? Here are two types of questions Silverstein suggests asking to gain deeper insight into the subject of your love map:
1. Questions about the future: Examples: What are you dreaming about or aspiring to? What hopes/dreams do you have for our family, or yourself, or our relationship? Where in the world have you visited that you’d want to visit together?
2. Questions about their inner feelings: Examples: What’s been stressing you out lately? What are you proud of? When was the last time you felt truly happy?
All in all, you’re already building a love map with someone if you’re trying to get to know them. So keep chatting, asking questions, and building that connection—strengthening that relationship by getting to know them better will only lay the groundwork for a stronger partnership.
Work, kids, health — countless factors can get in the way of good sex. But Emily Morse, a sex educator, believes one roadblock tends to loom larger than the others.
“Most of the sexual problems in our relationships have nothing to do with sex, and everything to do with communication,” Ms. Morse writes in her new book, “Smart Sex.”
Addressing intimacy isn’t always easy, she acknowledged: “Conversations around sex are not normalized at all.” But Ms. Morse’s raison d’être across her various platforms is to encourage people to talk openly about sex — to identify what they want, and to learn how to say it.
She has a long-running podcast, “Sex With Emily,” and more than 500,000 followers on Instagram, where she explores a variety of topics, from the best sex toys to confidence in the bedroom. A 2021 article in The New York Times likened Ms. Morse, who studied at the now-defunct Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, to the iconic Dr. Ruth.
In “Smart Sex,” she breaks down her rallying cry about communication into a handful of specific sex talks she believes are useful for couples to have. Among them is the “sexual state of the union” — a monthly check-in to help determine what’s working, what’s not and where things are headed next.
The Times talked to Ms. Morse about some strategies from her new book that she believes can help couples have an effective sexual state of the union, and why she thinks it is worthwhile — even if the idea makes you or your partner cringe.
1. Keep it brief.
A successful sexual state of the union shouldn’t last more than 10 minutes or so, Ms. Morse said. She believes that it can be helpful for couples to think about it as preventive care.
“You’re planting the seeds for the sex life to come,” she explained. “You’re going to learn: What worked? What didn’t work? And then how can we improve going forward?”
Ms. Morse recommends having the talk once a month (scheduled or more spontaneous, depending on the couple), though that frequency isn’t dictated by research. It’s based on her hunch that once a month feels manageable even when life is busy, and that it offers people enough time and space to do a bit of reflecting on what has been happening in their sex lives.
2. Expect it to be awkward.
Ms. Morse is adamant that good sex doesn’t just happen. Nor does talking about it somehow rob it of its “magic” — even if the resulting conversations are uncomfortable, or down right clumsy.
It can help to openly acknowledge any discomfort you might feel, she said. “In the moment, you can tell your partner: ‘Look, I know that this is new for us, but I want us to have a growth mind-set around our sexual connection,’” Ms. Morse said, noting her firm belief that vulnerability is essential for true intimacy.
“If it feels unsexy because you’re both nervous, that’s OK,” she added. “This isn’t, like, a foreplay exercise.”
3. Start by asking: ‘What would you like to see more of in our sex life?’
Or consider other options, such as: “What can I do more of to make sex satisfying for you?” Or: “May I share something I’d like more of during sex?”
“What are you enjoying about our sex life right now?” is another option, although Ms. Morse acknowledges that is probably not a great conversation starter for those in the midst of a sexual drought, for instance.
In an ideal world, couples would get in the habit of having a regular sexual state of the union early in their relationship, Ms. Morse said, though she does believe it is a muscle that can be developed with practice — whether you have been together for “10 months or 10 years,” or beyond.
But if those sorts of questions feel impossible to ask, or if your partner is utterly unwilling to answer them, that’s a sign you may benefit from sex therapy, she said.
4. Pay attention to timing, tone and turf.
Often, when you talk about sex is as important as the actual words you use, Ms. Morse says. So make sure neither of you is hungry, angry, lonely or tired, or HALT, as you set out to discuss sex, she said. Doing so makes you and your partner less likely to be reactive or defensive.
And strive for a tone that is curious, compassionate and open, she said.
“A lot of us, when we have these intense conversations, our tone gets defensive — though we don’t mean it to be,” Ms. Morse said.
She insists conversations about sex should take place outside the bedroom, which she argues should be a sanctuary for sleep and sex — and nothing else. It may help to bring it up during an outdoor stroll, she said. You and your partner can both take a few deep breaths, and do not necessarily have to hold eye contact.
“I want people to remember that the sexual state of the union is not criticism,” Ms. Morse said. “It’s an opportunity to collaborate.”
Some people say that when you’re in a healthy relationship, everything just comes easy. Others will say that’s not exactly true — the best long-term relationships require a lot of hard work, dedication and determination.
While we can certainly all agree that no one relationship is perfect and that every relationship comes with its own set of unique challenges, it’s perhaps true that a healthy relationship takes all of these things combined with people who love, respect and support each other.
But how do you know if you can really trust that it’s true? When can you let your guard down and feel assured that your relationship is, in fact, healthy and headed for long-term territory? The psychology of love may be a bit complex, but it doesn’t have to be a brain-buster.
Registered psychotherapist Natacha Duke, MA, RP, has some tell-tale signs that you’re in it for the long haul, as well as some checks and balances you can do along the way to reassure this relationship is healthy and right for you.
What is a healthy relationship?
A healthy relationship at its core is centered around:
Empathy and kindness.
Reliability and commitment.
Mutual respect for boundaries.
The ability to work together as a team.
Similar values and goals.
Having similar values and goals is perhaps the turning point for most relationships, as they fundamentally fuel almost everything else that you do.
Everyone’s needs ebb and flow, based on personal experiences. For example, it might be important for someone to have a partner who’s interested in volunteering and community service, whereas in other relationships that might not be as crucial. For the person who comes from a tight-knit family and prioritizes family gatherings around the holidays, they might be faced with some difficulty dating someone who disregards the importance of family.
“There are so many things that can go into a healthy relationship and some things are so personal to each of us,” notes Duke. “The point is that there’s a reasonable amount of reliability and that you both feel as though the other person is going to prioritize you and be true to their word every step of the way.”
The unfortunate issue is that everyone doesn’t always know they’re in a healthy relationship. That’s especially true if you’ve been caught up in problematic relationships in the past and if you’ve had a hard time recognizing red flags in one.
“Relationships can sometimes feel familiar, comfortable or better than other relationships you’ve had but that doesn’t mean it’s healthy,” states Duke. “If we have a history of problematic relationships or we don’t have a secure attachment formed in childhood, we can end up moving toward what’s familiar even though it’s not healthy. And that’s where you have to be careful.”
That requires a certain level of self-reflection before starting a new relationship. But even when you’ve been dating someone for a while, the healthiest relationships keep the door open for self-reflection, build off the mistakes you’ve each learned in the past and allow everyone to confront conflict together in a safe, constructive and helpful way.
“There are going to be times in every relationship that are going to be hard, but I think it’s how you deal with it that matters,” encourages Duke. “People in a healthy relationship should put each other at ease, have a willingness to work and grow together and be respectful of each other.”
Signs you have a healthy relationship
It’s easy to get swept up off your feet in all the twists and turns a new relationship has to offer, but once you begin building a solid foundation, these key signs reinforce a long-lasting healthy relationship:
1. R.E.S.P.E.C.T. — you both know what it means to each other
Setting up healthy boundaries isn’t always about drawing a line in the sand when things go south. Boundaries are good to put into place when we know crossing them would violate our mental, emotional and physical health or values. But they’re also good for establishing a level of respect for each other and for understanding the things you both feel are important.
“In a healthy relationship, you’re making space for each other, you’re making space for each other’s emotions, and making space to nurture and cultivate other aspects of each other’s lives,” Duke explains. “It’s also about being aware of your own personal boundaries.”
So, if your partner isn’t too keen on one of your friends, but that relationship is still important to you, it’s a good sign if your partner doesn’t try to prevent you from seeing them or isolate you from your friend group.
Healthy boundaries also exist in an intimate or sexual space, too. No one should ever feel pressured or ashamed when interacting with each other inside that space.
2. You trust one another and that trust is earned
“If you’ve worked through your relationship baggage and you’ve worked through your blind spots, hopefully, you come to a new relationship feeling more neutral about trusting someone else,” says Duke. “From there, you either come to trust this new person more and more over time, or you come to not trust them over time.”
And trust extends from the seemingly smallest things, like trusting someone with your emotions or allowing yourself to be vulnerable around them, as well as with making some big life decisions — like where to live and what you want your future family to look like — that will (hopefully) take you both into consideration and benefit all involved.
Long after the honeymoon phase has ended, a sign of a healthy relationship is knowing that you can rely on your partner without second guessing whether or not you can trust them. And there’s no real replacement for time when it comes to trust.
3. When the going gets tough, you find a way to communicate
“It’s kind of easy to have a relationship during the good times, but what really makes a relationship or bonds you as a couple is going through hard times together,” Duke says.
That means you want to find ways to express how you’re feeling, practice active listening when your partner is doing the same and work together to find solutions — even when you’re arguing.
“You don’t always have to see each other eye-to-eye, but you can always be both good and kind to each other and can always seek to understand the other person,” emphasizes Duke. “That’s what’s going to differentiate this relationship from another relationship that may not have a healthy longevity.”
4. You agree to disagree
In most cases, when there’s a conflict, you want to feel heard and understood and you want to come out of it feeling like the solution is a win-win for both of you, so there isn’t any lingering resentment from either side. But, going back to trust, it’s also good to disagree sometimes.
“If you can get through difficulties together, that builds trust, and the more you build that trust together, the stronger you become,” notes Duke.
So, even when you disagree about a problem or a solution, or even something mundane that happens during your day-to-day, finding a way to compromise is key.
5. You can also forgive each other
“If someone hasn’t had a positive or secure attachment in their childhood, they can end up holding grudges and find it difficult to forgive people,” explains Duke. “But there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship, and forgiveness is often a sign of love.”
If you have difficulty letting go or moving beyond problems that surface, or if you have a hard time with forgiveness, cognitive behavioral therapy can help identify some of the triggers that reinforce that behavior, as well as provide coping mechanisms you can try when conflict inevitably happens again down the line.
6. You’re both committed to the relationship
Perhaps one of the most common complaints in relationships is that someone is making more effort than the other. No one likes a one-sided relationship — but how do you find a way to balance everything equally, or at least be comfortable with what everyone is giving toward the relationship?
“You can always do some reality testing,” suggests Duke. “The best way to do that is to ask yourself, ‘Is this real? Is this true? Is it accurate that I’m holding more weight than the other person?’ And another way to test it is to bring your concerns to the person and talk about it and see if they’re going to put in more effort if you need them to or if nothing’s going to change.”
However it shakes out, a healthy relationship will likely ebb and flow, with one partner making up the slack for when another person can’t, and vice-versa.
7. You’re kind to each other
This certainly feels like a no-brainer, but we probably don’t think of this one as often as we should. What exactly does kindness look like in a healthy relationship?
“Kindness looks like feeling as though you’re safe, supported and a priority to the other person,” Duke illustrates. “It looks like apologizing when you’ve made a mistake. It means active listening, as much as possible, to your partner.”
That means at every turn, it’s OK to check in with yourself and curb your anger or expectations in order to make space for a level of kindness that’s rooted in mutual respect. It’s not always going to work or even be a perfect solution, but having the intention to always be kind as much as possible is a solid foundation for a healthy relationship.
“If you’ve known someone for a long time, you’re not going to be perfectly kind all the time, but I think there should be a certain amount of mutual respect and empathy toward each other, even when you’re not having a good day,” Duke continues.
8. You enjoy each other’s company and support each other’s goals
Maybe your weekly after-work routine is composed of playing video games with each other or watching your favorite shows. For the most part, your mutual interests are aligned. But when your partner suddenly plans to run a marathon, which means they’ll have to carve out time for training, you’re still supportive of those goals and you flex your time and availability when needed.
The importance of doing things together and allowing and supporting each other’s personal growth in a healthy relationship is two-fold: It allows you both to share the things you love with each other, and it gives you the space to be supportive even when something doesn’t fully align with your own individual interests.
“There are some things that are more important to some people than others,” Duke recognizes. “For some people, it’s really important for their person to be a part of their friend group. For others, that’s not very important. So, you have to find ways to compromise with each other without feeling like it’s a struggle or a sacrifice.”
9. You’re good at making decisions together
You’re not going out and buying big household items without consulting your partner first, and you make the time for your partner’s input. Sure, this isn’t always a perfect scenario, and sometimes, we can get a bit ahead of ourselves, but like with kindness, you should view the person you’re in a relationship with as your partner — a true team member you can call in for anything good, bad or ugly.
10. You don’t dodge difficulty
Speaking of the ugly, you don’t want to avoid having difficult conversations in a healthy relationship. You want to confront issues head-on (and be kind when doing so) and find ways to express your feelings even when you know you have to talk about challenges that might put on the heat and increase the pressure.
“It’s always good to be intentional and self-reflective and to be thoughtful in a conflict,” advises Duke. “We don’t enter relationships, nor do we have to, having everything figured out because we will never have everything figured out. There does need to be a certain level of self-understanding for our relationships to be able to be healthy though, and we all have hot-button issues.”
Expressing those issues in a constructive way is paramount to making sure boundaries for everyone are put in place and respected. And finding ways to mediate conflict together can be helpful in the long run.
11. You’re comfortable in who you are and independent from your partner
“To be able to look back on previous relationships and friendships and reflect on what are the things that make you mad, what tends to hurt your feelings and what causes conflicts is really important,” says Duke.
“We can bring those things to the next relationship, and when something comes up, we can really own it and say, ‘This is an issue for me, let me help you understand why this is an issue for me,’ and work through it together.”
And this doesn’t just apply to conflict management — knowing who you are as an individual and chasing after your own personal goals and dreams are just as important because this allows you to embrace a self-love perspective that will only further enhance your relationship.
12. You’re comfortable with each other even when you’re not ‘on’
Let goblin mode commence: You don’t always have to be perfect in front of your partner, and that’s especially true in the healthiest of relationships. Part of this goes back to being kind to one another, but in a different way.
Kindness can extend to allowing you and your partner to let go of responsibility sometimes in exchange for personal development. You’ll find that when you let your guard down with one another, the healthiest of relationships allow for a different level of intimacy and understanding.
“In order to enjoy a healthy relationship, we need to be prepared to be vulnerable with one another,” says Duke. “Sometimes, this might mean sharing parts of ourselves that we feel insecure about in order to see if this relationship could have the makings of something special.”
Strategies for reassuring yourself
Self-doubt is a powerful opponent, but there are some checks and balances you can put into place to reassure you that you’re in a good place in your relationship or to define exactly what needs improving.
“One thing you can continue to check in with yourself about over time is whether or not your trust towards this person is growing,” says Duke. “Is there something you’re not getting that you need? Is there something you’re not doing that your partner needs?”
Having the occasional, even informal, discussion about how each of you is feeling in a relationship is a great tool to carry things forward, even if it’s early in a relationship. By doing so, you can make sure you’re both on the same page and working toward the same goals.
“If it’s on your mind, even if it’s something good, don’t be afraid to bring it up,” reinforces Duke. “We tend to not communicate as much as we need, and you can rarely over-communicate when it comes to how you’re feeling. Checking in with yourself and the other person to make sure you continue to have similar goals and similar values is as equally important as anything else.”
As a parent, your child’s physical and emotional safety is likely your highest priority. While sexual health is a huge component of this, many parents don’t know how to support their teen’s sexual well-being. There’s a lot of misinformation out there, and oftentimes parents don’t feel as if they have the proper support to talk to their teens about sexual health. Enter “The Big Sex Talk,” or simply “The Talk.”
No matter where the hesitation lies, there are experts and research that’ll help you support your teen to make informed and healthy decisions about sexual health.
Why is it so important to have “The Talk” anyway?
Young people need accurate information about sex, whether oral, anal or vaginal sex, in order to make safe, healthy and informed decisions.
Extensive research indicates young people who do not have accurate information about their sexual health are more likely to experiment with sex at younger ages than ones who do.
Even some information is better than none. When teens are able to talk with a parent or caregiver about safer sex, they are less likely to have unprotected sex.
There is a wealth of research that shows talking to your teen about sex and healthy relationships is one of the most important elements to help them make informed and healthy decisions.
“Talking to your teen about sex is important because without receiving information from you, it’s likely that they’ll encounter false and unsafe information about sex on social media, which can lead to making decisions that they do not understand the outcome of,” Herman explained.
“Add this to the fact that sex education in school has decreased since the 1990s, and we have a major problem,” she added. “It’s really important to talk to your teen about what is healthy, what is normal, what is safe. And what is going to happen when they don’t have good reliable sources for that information in their schools like they used to, or from their care providers? Their main source is social media.”
In addition, having conversations with your teen about sexual contact shows them you are a trusted person they can come to, Evans noted.
“Research has been telling us for decades that teens prefer to get information about sex from their parents and other trusted adults in their lives,” said Erica M. Butler, M.Ed., founder of Happ E. SexTalk, LLC in Columbus, Ohio, and creator of HAPPERMATIONS, sex-positive affirmation cards for toddlers. “The disconnect is that parents don’t know how to talk about it (or don’t want to) and teens definitely don’t know how to bring it up without feeling like they’ll get in trouble.”
How do you prepare to have ‘The Talk?’
If you’re at a loss for words, you’re not alone. Talking about sex can prove challenging, uncomfortable and overwhelming. When many parents today recall if they received accurate and adequate information about sex and healthy relationships from their own parents as a teen, the overwhelming response is: no.
It can be hard to know how to handle these conversations when you have no personal experience with your own parents or caregivers. And it can also be difficult if your own discomfort about sex is because it was ignored or not treated respectfully in your household growing up.
We asked experts how parents can best prepare to have “The Talk” with their teens:
1. Start with yourself
“I always tell parents to start with themselves,” said Rosalia Rivera, a consent educator and child sexual abuse prevention specialist in Canada. “I encourage them to reflect and journal on their own beliefs, values and ideas about sex and relationships.”
Butler said parents need to think back to their years as a teen and how topics connected to sex were addressed in their family.
“Did they feel supported or like they could ask questions openly? How did that make them feel and how would they want to change that for their teen?” Butler said. “The more we can unlearn our own shame and guilt through our experiences, the better equipped we’ll be to have these conversations with our kids.”
2. Do the research
“Parents and caregivers can prepare themselves for this conversation by first making sure the information they provide is accurate,” Evans said.
Having accurate information, as well as age-appropriate information, is crucial, and there are a number of ways you can ensure this.
Herman recommends starting with an internet search.
“A parent or caregiver can prepare themselves for this conversation by doing the ‘poking around’ on the internet that their teenager can’t do,” Herman said. “Teenagers don’t know how to sift through good information or bad information. So a parent or caregiver can hop [online] and do this for them.”
3. Find additional resources
In addition to finding accurate, age-appropriate information on the internet, there are several organizations and adolescent sexual health professionals who have resources designed specifically to help parents and caregivers talk with their teens about sex.
Amaze.org is another popular organization that provides parents with the tools and evidence-informed information they need to have conversations about sex with their teens.
Additionally, there are sexuality professionals such as Herman, Rivera and Butler, or Nadine Thornhill, Ed.D., for example, who are all specialized in helping caregivers support their teens with accurate information about sex and relationships.
4. Be willing to say ‘I don’t know’
While having accurate information to share with your teen is important, you don’t need to know everything. Before you try to learn about adolescent sexual health, remember it’s OK, and fairly important to admit when you don’t have the answer.
“Be OK with not knowing the answer to their question,” Butler said. “It’s impossible to know everything and remember you didn’t get great sex ed while growing up either, so there’s a lot we don’t know.”
Herman also stressed how important this is. If your teen asks you a question you don’t know the answer to, or you’re unsure how to explain it best, she said, “It’s OK to say, ‘I don’t know but I want to find out together.'”
5. Remember, ‘The Talk’ isn’t just one talk
While many caregivers would be relieved if just one conversation about sex and healthy relationships was enough, that’s not the case. Preparing your teen to make informed, healthy and safe decisions about sexuality and relationships takes more than a single conversation.
“People like myself who specialize in adolescent sexual health education, are really trying to move away from the entire concept of having ‘The Talk’ because having one talk is going to be uncomfortable, awkward, really weird and maybe not effective depending on the relationship they have with their kid,” Herman said.
“[Your teen] might get so dysregulated that they have to check out of the conversation. And you get so uncomfortable that nothing really happens. So people like myself, who are specialized in adolescent sex education, are really encouraging parents to start conversations early, have them often, keep them brief and keep them casual.”
For example, Herman said, you can have a brief and casual conversation by noticing something on TV or in a magazine and saying “What do you think about that?”
“Maybe you see a picture on social media of somebody wearing period underwear and you ask your kids ‘Hey, do you know about period underwear?’ or ‘What do you know about periods so far?’ and you talk for five minutes and then you move on,” Herman said.
6. Understanding ‘The Talk’ isn’t solely about sex
In addition to having more than one “talk,” it’s vital to remember these conversations aren’t just about sex. Parents and caregivers often think “The Talk” means teaching your teen strictly about STDs/STIs and pregnancy.
While these topics are important, they are small elements of what it means to provide your teen with adequate and accurate information to make healthy decisions about sex and relationships.
When parents and caregivers believe conversations are limited to just STDs/STIs and pregnancy, it can make the conversation feel even more intimidating and uncomfortable.
Prepare your teen with the information they need, which includes talking about topics such as rejection, how to understand your body boundaries and communicate them, learning what safe and unsafe touch is, puberty, breakups and internet safety.
7. Learn to stay calm
Giving your teen the information they need to succeed and create safe, healthy relationships and sexual experiences isn’t just about the facts you share, it’s also about how you share them.
“The No. 1 strategy I would recommend for a parent or caregiver preparing to have this conversation is to make sure that they themselves go into the conversation calm and regulated,” Herman said. “People are very sensitive, and kids especially are really sensitive to the energy you’re putting out.
“If you’re stressed out, if you’re radiating anger or fear, or defensiveness, they’re going to pick up on that. They’re going to start responding to that even before anyone has exchanged any words. So, do what you need to do to make sure that your body and your brain and your breath are calm before you go into that conversation.”
Go for a walk, practice deep breathing or call a friend and vent, Herman recommended. Taking an honest look at your own attitudes about sexuality, as Rivera and Butler mentioned, will help with this, too.
If you enter the conversation with your own discomfort about periods because you haven’t processed how periods were talked about in your household growing up, your teen will hear that in whatever you decide to tell them.
Take the time to journal, talk to a friend, or work with a coach or therapist. The goal is to enter conversations with your teen in a way that’s not defensive or guarded. Your script should be regulated, but allow for curious teens to ask whatever questions they have.
In fact, for some parents, it can be a relief to know the most important thing isn’t always knowing the facts or having the answer, but bringing a non-judgmental and open attitude to the conversation.
While topics like sex and relationships can be an intimidating and overwhelming element of parenting, start by taking a look at the feelings that arise for you as you’re finding the resources and information you need to feel prepared.
Your teen needs accurate information about sex and an open, non-judgmental attitude in order to make informed, safe and healthy sexual decisions. You may end up enjoying how close this process allows you to become with your teen, especially as they start to share other aspects of their lives, hoping for your input.
Today sees the launch of our new sex column, where couples talk openly about what goes on in their bedroom. But honest communication about sex is hard. Here’s how to get better at it
For many, sex is something easier done than talked about, especially when it comes to our romantic partners. Guardian researcher Kitty Drake came across this a lot while conducting anonymous interviews for our new column featuring couples opening up about their sex lives: people were more concerned about their partner knowing what they thought about their sex life than they were about their sex life appearing in a national newspaper.
“One woman explained it to me,” says Drake. “I was trying to address her anxiety and said, ‘No one will know it is you.’ And she said: ‘But the only person I really don’t want to know what I think of my husband’s lovemaking skills is my husband. And he’s the only one I won’t be anonymous to.”
But the exact reasons behind our struggle to be honest about sex with our partners – whether it’s saying what feels nice and what you’d like more of, or worries that sex is fading from the relationship – are often complicated, and cannot just be explained away by theories of being too uptight, or too polite (a condition also known as being “too British”).
Such struggles are “very common,” says Silva Neves, a sexologist and counsellor. “People are afraid to be shamed for their turn-ons, and afraid their partner might think they’re weird and leave them.”
Fiona Robertson, who has been married for 15 years, agrees: “I think we’re conditioned not to admit to sexual dissatisfaction as it’s some sort of commentary on our beloved partner.”
For the first years of their marriage, Fiona and her husband Malcolm, both 35, had no problem talking about sex – not least because there was no shortage of it. But over the years, as the honeymoon period faded, discussions became fraught. “An added complication is that I’m bisexual, so I think he always had this sense that he couldn’t give me everything I needed,” she says. “Yet after we did open up our marriage, it suddenly became super easy to talk about sex again, because the fear that if we spoke we’d uncover something fatal to our marriage was gone.”
This sort of openness is reflected in a 2022 study, which found that the vast majority of British and American couples surveyed were honest about their sexual satisfaction, and would want their partner to be so too (this is especially true of men). But dig a little deeper and the same survey found that 54% of women admit to faking orgasm, while more than a fifth of men were not honest about how many previous sexual partners they’d had.
But it’s not so simple to say honesty is always the best policy. A 2014 study found that some “pro-social” lies, such as saying you like a gift you actually don’t, may help strengthen bonds.
That said, communication about turn-ons and turn-offs can improve people’s pleasure in the bedroom, and better sex makes for happier couples. In short: it’s about better rather than more communication. So what do we need to talk about?
“Low libido in women is commonly presented as a problem in need of a solution, when in fact fluctuations are absolutely normal,” says Laura McNaught, a psychosexual therapist. And desire itself is complicated. “Sexologists used to think that the human arousal cycle started with desire – feeling horny,” says McNaught. “After that comes arousal, then orgasm, then the comedown ‘refractory’ period.
“This belief has caused a lot of worry, especially in women, when a few years into the relationship they say their libido has gone. But that kind of desire is what we now call ‘spontaneous desire’, and only some people experience it in long-term relationships.” The other desire, he says, is “responsive desire”.
“That’s about having positive intent, so wanting to have sex because it feels good and brings you closer emotionally, and then doing the physical act to bring on arousal. After that comes the desire.”
What about common concerns for men? “Many men get their sense of self-worth from being competent, so hearing that they aren’t ‘competent’ in bed can feel like a dagger to the heart,” she says.
Neves agrees: “Men struggle with the myth of masculinity, which says they have to be good lovers at all times, and have to take charge in the bedroom. Unreliable erections equates to weakness.”
Then, regardless of gender, there’s the issue of what Neves calls “myths and unhelpful messages about sex”. These messages can come from all sorts of places, from pornography to religion, and can often leave people asking, “Is this how it was supposed to be?”
Being honest about sex isn’t only about technique – the “how you touch, where you touch”, says McNaught, “but an overall understanding of how your own sexuality works”.
Darryl Paxman, 40, has been with his partner for five years and they have a one-year-old child together. Paxman says the sex with his partner was always great, and he always found her attractive – although naturally, when their child arrived the sex was less frequent. Plus, secretly Paxman says he was “addicted to porn”.
One day his partner discovered the porn on his computer. Some of it was extreme; some of it was stuff she was into herself. Seeing it opened the door to several conversations, about Paxman’s difficult childhood with a mentally ill parent, but also their own turn-ons and desire. Paxman eventually enrolled into Sex Addicts Anonymous and has since given up porn completely. He says the sex between him and his partner has never been better and that they have never been closer. “It makes me quite sad that if I hadn’t gotten so into porn, I would’ve enjoyed sex so much more.”
Ultimately every relationship is different, and every person has needs and wants that change over time. “All sexual relationships are about the art of compromise. And that’s why communication is so important,” says McNaught. “Sometimes the issue is a simple lack of vocabulary. In the consulting room I hear euphemisms like ‘down below’ for genitals, or ‘rumpy-pumpy’ for sex, because that’s what they know.”
Finding the words to express yourself the way you want can take time. So even if they don’t come easily, it’s important to remember that this isn’t a sign the relationship is doomed – rather it’s just something to be worked on. “If your partner is a good person with matching values to yours, reliable when life is stressful, giving you a hug when you’re sad, and a good laugh, that’s pretty good,” says Neves. “If they’re not the sex God of your dreams it’s OK … You can still spice up your sex life with good communication.”
The language we use when we’re speaking to and about people is significant. It can impact how we see others, how we see ourselves, and how people are treated in workplaces, social settings, classrooms, places of worship, and just about everywhere else. As we strive for a more inclusive world, one small thing you can do is to try practicing gender-neutral language and using gender-neutral terms.
“Gender-neutral language in and of itself is not a new concept, it has just become more of a topic of conversation as we strive to be more inclusive and accepting of all populations,” explains Jillian Amodio, social worker and founder of Moms for Mental Health.
To use gender-neutral terms is to recognize that “society has a way of gendering just about everything,” as Amodio puts it, and to find alternative ways to say or write things. For example, instead of addressing a group of people as “ladies and gentlemen,” you might try saying “everyone,” “colleagues,” “attendees,” “students,” or another term that makes sense in the context. One big reason for doing this is to ensure that non-binary or gender nonconforming people are recognized and included. You might be familiar with the idea of sharing your pronouns, and using gender neutral terms is another way to be inclusive.
Gender-neutral language can be beneficial for everyone, regardless of how they identify. Here’s everything to know about gender-neutral language and how you can incorporate it in your daily life.
Using gender neutral language is one way to ensure that everyone feels respected.
What are some examples of gendered language and some gender-neutral alternatives?
“Given that our society has for so long been built on gender norms and stereotypes, the division by gender has become ingrained in many aspects of daily living,” notes Amodio. You might find yourself assuming that a teacher, nurse, or daycare provider is female and a mechanic or construction worker is male. But obviously, that’s not always the case. One reason we might associate certain jobs as being “male” is because they often end with “-man,” such as “fireman,” “postman,” “congressman” and so forth. Instead, you could use descriptors that don’t assume gender, such as “firefighter,” “postal worker” or “mail carrier,” and “congressperson” or “member of Congress,” for example.
“When referencing someone or a group of people just ask yourself if there are words you can replace to be more inclusive,” Amodio explains.
Beyond job titles, there are other commonly-used phrases that tend to make assumptions about gender. Here are a few examples, along with gender-neutral terms you could use instead.
Boys and girls — instead, consider using children, kiddos, or everyone
Ladies and gentlemen — instead, consider using folks, everyone, students, or colleagues
Councilman/Councilwoman — instead, consider using councilperson
Husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend — instead, consider using partner, significant other, or spouse
Mother or father — instead, consider using parent
Niece or nephew — instead, consider using nibling
Man-made — instead, consider using artificial or machine-made
Pregnant woman or mother-to-be — instead consider pregnant person, expectant person, or birthing parent
Freshman — instead consider first-year student
To be clear, it’s not necessarily insensitive to use a gendered phrase that you feel applies to you, such as “I’m a mother of two” or “My wife and I liked that movie.” However, when you’re speaking to others, particularly in a group, it’s more inclusive to use gender-neutral phrasing like “parents” or “partners” since it doesn’t assume anyone else’s gender identity or sexuality. Plus, using gender-neutral language in reference to yourself and others can also be a way to signify that you are supportive and respectful of all identities.
Why is it important to use gender-neutral language?
“By using gender neutral language we are also not assuming that we know someone’s identity,” says Amodio. “The terms which people use to express their gender and gender identity can vary based on personal preference and what feels right to each individual. Some people are not ‘out’ publicly in terms of how they identify, and gender-neutral language is honestly an easy way to show respect and acceptance to everyone we come into contact with.”
She also notes that in some situations — such as a teacher addressing a new group of students or an employee speaking at a conference or meeting — you may not know the people you’re communicating with. In these cases, “gender-neutral language would be the best option by default,” Amodio says.
You may not always know the gender of who you are communicating with, so gender-neutral language can be the best option.
Should I say something when I hear other people using gendered language?
“We don’t have to be the language police, but if someone uses the wrong pronouns, a gentle correction is perfectly fine,” Amodio says. “If colleagues are addressing people in gendered terms, perhaps suggesting neutral terminology will be of benefit.”
What are some other ways I can support people who have diverse gender identities?
In addition to being thoughtful about the way you speak and write, there are plenty of meaningful ways you can support people who are non-binary, gender nonconforming, or have other gender identities. You can donate to organizations advocating for LGBTQ+ rights, such as The Trevor Project or the Human Rights Campaign. You can also make it a point to shop at businesses owned by LGBTQ+ people and at businesses that donate a certain amount of their profits to LGBTQ+ advocacy organizations. You can also look to local LGBTQ+ organizations and activists in your community and support them by donating, volunteering, spreading the word about their work on your own social media, or finding another way to get involved.
Lastly, don’t underestimate the impact of your words. Using gender-neutral language, sharing your pronouns in a work meeting, and being vocal about your support of LGBTQ+ people are all ways that you can be supportive.
Exploring sexual pleasure through kink is all about finding what feels good to you. Whether you enjoy BDSM, using sex toys in bed, indulging your praise kink, or spicing things up with a little sex chocolate, there are nearly endless fun things to try. Although you can totally experiment solo, getting kinky consensually with a partner can be super hot, too — especially when you really start to learn each other’s desires. But what happens when you don’t like your partner’s kink?
“Misaligned kinks can look a number of ways,” Lena Peak, a sexuality educator at The Expansive Group who has a master’s degree in social work, tells Elite Daily. “Perhaps one partner is kinky and the other partner is more ‘vanilla,’ or maybe both partners are kinky but they don’t have much interest in each other’s kinks.” If your preferences feel mismatched, Peak says it can cause “surprise, concern, excitement, disappointment, curiosity, or even disgust.”
Maybe your partner has a humiliation kink, but you don’t find it attractive — or they like the idea of golden showers, but for you, that’s a total turn-off. If you don’t like your partner’s kink, you may worry about your sex life and even start to doubt your long-term compatibility. You may also feel hesitant to bring it up out of fear of making things awkward or hurting your partner’s feelings. Here’s how to approach the situation, according to sexperts.
If You Don’t Like Your Partner’s Kink, Is That Bad?
PSA: It’s natural to have different tastes and preferences during sex. DuEwa “Kaya” Spicer, a licensed clinical social worker and certified sex therapist, says not to stress if your partner’s kink isn’t for you. “It is perfectly normal to not share all the same erotic interests,” they say. ”It doesn’t have to mean anything more than ‘to each their own.’”
Recognizing your differences can sometimes bring you closer. “Having different kinks can encourage couples to communicate more openly and honestly about their desires and boundaries,” Rhiannon John, a certified sexologist at BedBible, tells Elite Daily. “Additionally, it can allow couples to explore new sexual experiences … which can be exciting and fulfilling.” You may find that even though you don’t like your partner’s kink at first, you grow to like the way it turns them on — or it leads you to discover a new kink you both love equally.
This situation doesn’t necessarily spell the end of your relationship. According to John, kink is only one small piece of the compatibility puzzle. “Sexual compatibility is complex,” John explains. “[It] also involves sexual attraction, physical and emotional intimacy, communication, trust, respect, and the ability to satisfy each other’s sexual needs and desires.”
That said, everyone’s sexual needs are different, and in some cases, having mismatched kinks can be a deal-breaker. “Different people place different values on the importance of sex in their intimate relationships,” Peak says. “Some people may place a high value on having matching or aligned kinks, and they may be more inclined to feel like the relationship isn’t sexually compatible.” If you feel like it’s becoming an issue in your sex life, it may be time to have a conversation about it.
How To Tackle The Convo With Your Partner
If you want to broach the topic with your significant other, experts suggest approaching it with care. “Be mindful about when and where the conversation takes place,” Peak says. “Make sure everyone is in the right headspace and is able to give their undivided attention. Refrain from judgmental statements, facial expressions, or body language when your partner shares sexual interests that may not align with yours.” Instead, Peak recommends being open and curious about your partner’s desires, and thanking them when they share.
“The goal is to find what I call ‘sexual empathy,’” says Tammy Nelson, Ph.D., a licensed sex and relationships therapist and the director of the Integrative Sex Therapy Institute. She suggests asking your partner what, specifically, they love about their kink and seeking to understand the “why” behind it. “You might [learn] that their kink makes them feel powerful, or it helps them let go, or it gives them a freedom they don’t feel in the rest of their life,” she says. “You may be able to relate to those things, even if you can’t relate to their kink.”
If your partner likes BDSM, for instance, but you don’t see the appeal, you might ask: “What about BDSM do you enjoy?” Or, “Is there a particular sensation or feeling that you’re seeking?” You may be surprised to find similarities with some of your own kinks or eventually feel comfortable enough to explore your partner’s fantasy.
That said, even after talking with your partner, you may still find their kink unattractive, and that’s OK, too. “I do not encourage folks to participate in kinks just to please their partner,” Spicer says. “Doing so may build resentment between the couple, ultimately negatively impacting their sex life… do it because you want to or you are curious about the kink.”
Let’s Say You’re Still Unsure. Should You Try Their Kink Anyway?
Ultimately, it’s up to you if you want to engage in your partner’s kink or not — but if you do, consent, boundaries, safety, and communication are crucial.
“It’s OK to feel unsure or neutral about your partner’s kink, but consent is a must,” Peak says. “Remember that you can revoke your consent at any time. One way to communicate this to your partner is [by saying], ‘I’m not sure how I feel about this kink yet, but I’m willing to explore and find out together.’”
Before trying it out, Peak and Spicer recommend creating an agreement with your partner, setting boundaries, creating safe words (or gestures), practicing negotiation, and planning aftercare in advance. Additionally, experts say that attending a kink workshop and exploring kink solo through porn, erotica, or fantasizing can help you feel more comfortable engaging with different kinks in general. You can also join a kink community by attending a local munch (a casual gathering of folks who are interested in BDSM, kink, and fetishes) or joining a social network like Fetlife. Folks in polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous relationships may also find it helpful to join a dating app like KinkD, Feeld, or Kinkoo.
If you don’t like your partner’s kink, it doesn’t mean your relationship can’t work — but in some cases, you may decide to part ways, and that’s OK, too. If you’ve done your part to communicate openly and listen to each other’s needs, and things still aren’t working out, it may be a sign that not being together is for the best. After all, you both deserve happy, fulfilling sex lives — and sometimes, it’s not always a match.
“We are entitled to our sexual pleasure. It is our birthright,” Spicer says. “Either way, practice compassion, empathy, and care.”
Boundaries are the latest buzzword in the mental wellness space, but with good reason: They allow us to express what we want, and feel safer in our relationships.
That being said, setting boundaries isn’t easy — especially in the bedroom. “In a culture that applauds people for being as easy-going and flexible, it can feel like we are inconveniencing people by setting clear sexual boundaries,” said queer sex therapist and expert for sex toy brand LELO, Casey Tanner.
In reality, however, setting boundaries builds trust between partners. If someone knows their boundaries will be respected, they’ll feel more confident taking risks and exploring with you, Tanner said. We asked experts like them to explain what boundaries even are, and how you can set them with your partner.
What are boundaries?
The word “boundary” gets thrown around a lot, and not always correctly. “I set a boundary for my partner,” for example, isn’t a boundary, said relationship, sex, and mental health therapist Rachel Wright. Why? “Boundaries are things that we set for ourselves that we are not available for,” she said. “‘I can’t talk tonight’ is a boundary. ‘I am not going to participate in this conversation if you’re talking to me like that’ is a boundary.”
With sexual boundaries, it’s the same thing: It’s our own preferences. Examples of sexual boundaries Wright said are: “I don’t like to be touched here,” and, “I’m not interested in anal sex.”
“Whatever the case is,” said Wright, “it has to start with ‘I.'”
Wright’s advice is to, first and foremost, figure out what these boundaries are for you. Acknowledge that they can and likely will change over time — just like our desires can change.
“You are the only person who can set your sexual boundaries,” echoed Tanner. After you communicate them to your partner(s), though, everyone involved is accountable to holding them and checking-in over time.
Sometimes, boundaries may be more nuanced than an absolute yes or no, and it may require self-exploration to figure out where you draw the line.
One challenge people face is being unsure where their boundaries lie, they continued. Sometimes, boundaries may be more nuanced than an absolute yes or no, and it may require self-exploration to figure out where you draw the line. “This is why it’s so important to embrace a consent practice that allows you to say ‘no’ halfway through trying something,” said Tanner. “You can always rescind your consent, even if initially you thought you were interested.”
If setting sexual boundaries feels scary, Tanner recommends setting non-sexual boundaries with people you know to be supportive. Try saying “no” to an event you don’t feel like going to, for example. By practicing boundaries in a lower-stakes setting, you’ll be more prepared to advocate for yourself in sexual situations.
Contain the boundary conversation
Once you establish what your boundaries are, the next step is to share them with your partner. “A beautiful way to do that is through asking for a container,” Wright said. A container, in this instance, means a specific time and place to have an important conversation. A way to ask for that is, “I would love to have a conversation with you about sexual boundaries. When would be a good time?”
“You can always rescind your consent, even if initially you thought you were interested.”
We may ambush our loved ones with these sensitive conversations and launch into them without consent, which doesn’t go over well. If someone had a bad day at work, for example, their mind will be elsewhere than what you want to talk about. This could leave you feeling rejected — but asking for a container can help this.
If such an in-person conversation is difficult for you — or you’re meeting someone for a hookup for the first time — you can discuss boundaries via text or dating app beforehand, Tanner said. Try initiating a conversation about limits and desires prior to meeting.
How to tell your partner your sexual boundaries
Once you establish a time and place (preferably private, say your living room), now you state your boundaries and have an open conversation.
Discuss any areas of your body that you prefer not to be touched, penetrated, or have contact with without a barrier (like a condom) — or at least without consent first each time, said sexologist and therapist Dr. Joy Berkheimer, LMFT.
Tell your partner any words or scenarios you may find uncomfortable, and ask them the same. Examples Berkheimer named are being too dominant or submissive, introducing toys, or refusing toys.
Discuss erotic possibilities that are on or off the table; read Mashable’s guide for discussing kink with your vanilla partner. If needed, introduce a safe word, or a prearranged word to stop a sexual activity in the moment.
Remember that you don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you have a boundary. If it feels good to share, by all means, do; if you don’t, however, that’s okay. “Even a gut feeling that says ‘this doesn’t feel right’ is a valid reason to set a sexual boundary,” Tanner said.
If you have multiple partners, you can also have different boundaries with different people! Boundaries with a longtime partner will look different than those with someone new.
Stay open when speaking about your intimate values, and embrace the fact that we’ve all absorbed varying narratives about sexuality and our bodies, Berkheimer said.
“We’ve been informed by our families culture, possibly personal trauma, past relationships or media,” Berkheimer continued. “There is so much messaging that happens way before we ever get physical, so to feel safe with intimate partners, they have to be willing to show us they will uphold the boundaries we request for our mental, emotional and physical health.”
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