— This is the month to try it
Avoid the ‘next morning regret’
By Ebony Leigh
With new stats revealing that the majority of Aussies prefer to boink without the booze, Sober October is a great time to give sex without the sauce a red hot go.
It’s a tag that plenty of us wear proudly. “We’re Australian – we’re a nation of big drinkers,” we laugh, before raising another tinnie.
But what about when our rich culture of beers at the footy, pints at the pub and a few too many on a Friday starts to have ramifications on our sex lives?
Because that’s exactly what’s happening according to new data from Lovehoney, the leading sexual wellness brand.
A country of ‘next day regret’
When it comes to who’s done the dirty while drunk, seven in 10 (69 per cent) admitted that they’d had sex intoxicated, while a quarter of the nation (24 per cent) said that most of the one-night stands they’d had had been while drinking. This last stat was highest among 35 to 44 year olds with one in three (33 per cent) going home with someone after a boozer.
Which of course begs the question, was it any good? For 3.4 million Aussies the answer is tragically no, according to Lovehoney’s survey, with 16 per cent of people confiding that they’d had a negative experience while having drunken sex.
“Probably anyone who has had a drink and gone home with someone is going to have experiences like ‘next day regret’,” Lovehoney sex and relationship expert Christine Rafe tells Body+Soul. “Whether it’s something they said or something they did.”
Because while we think we need alcohol to give us a bit of Dutch courage to let go and lower our inhibitions, it doesn’t always turn out so well. “We think we are going to be more confident and more able to ask for things that are maybe outside of our character or things that we potentially wouldn’t do as our sober, fully conscious selves,” the expert explains.
But the thing about alcohol is that it impacts our blood circulatory system, which isn’t great for sexual function. “So, yes, confidence is one thing, but actually once you have a few drinks sometimes you can end up in situations where you find it more difficult to get or maintain an erection, or you experience difficulties with ejaculation or even the engorgement of the clitoris which is responsible for pleasure,” Rafe says.
Which is absolutely worth keeping in mind. “Consider what actually is the quality and the pleasure of the sexual experience when alcohol is affecting you from a physiological sense,” she suggests.
More Aussies prefer sober sex
The great news is that we might be turning a corner in the cornerstone of Australia’s drinking culture, with a sober lifestyle more on trend than ever. Lovehoney data shows that only half (53 per cent) of the country now drink regularly, while 15 no longer turn to booze and nine per cent have never tasted alcohol. This is largest in the 18 to 24 year old cohort, with 18 per cent not having ever picked up a drink.
Which leads us to the bedroom with 51 per cent of people saying they prefer to have sex sober and 42 per cent calling intimacy more enjoyable when they’re teetotal.
“Sober sex heightens the emotional connection because we can really connect with someone properly, and it opens the door for clearer communication,” says Rafe. “And also, it’s more pleasurable because we have more access to blood circulating to our genital region, which supports with arousal, pleasure and sexual function.”
It also makes future sex with that person even better. “When it comes to arousal, remembering a previous sexual experience acts as foreplay for the next one,” the sex and relationship expert says. “So we really want those memories to be clear so we can actually remember the things that we did.”
How to build sexual confidence without needing a drink
With Aussies reevaluating their relationship with alcohol, Rafe says there are plenty of ways to boost confidence in bed without a glass of grog.
#1. Practice sexual communication outside of sexual experiences
“Try writing down what you know you like and what you want,” the sexpert says, “and practicing that so you don’t need to have five wines to be able to say, ‘I really want you to go down on me’.”
#2. Plan sober dates
“Look for ideas that don’t involve bars or drinking,” Rafe encourages. “So I know Lovehoney has their Oh! Sexploration Vouchers 52 Weeks of Adventures set to guide couples through a year of exciting and spontaneous sexual experiences. So trying something like that can give you ideas for what to do on a casual date or even with a long term partner.”
#3. Get sexting
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Take away the pressure and say it in a text instead. “If you feel like you don’t know how to be confident, sometimes sending something over text can help,” the intimacy expert says. “You could say, “I really want to try that new toy’, or “I really want you to go down on me’, or “I love the way you _ when we have sex, what I’d really love is to _.”
#4. When in doubt, make out
“When people are nervous to initiate sex, they think they need alcohol for that,” Rafe says. “So initiate a make out instead. You don’t have to initiate full blown penetrative sex from the get go. Starting with, ‘I’m going to initiate to make out with this person’. And then once you have a bit of arousal, it actually supports your confidence in initiating something further. So you don’t have to initiate penetrative sex from moment one.”
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It’s interesting to note that you tell me about your compulsive sexual behavior in the same breath that you claim to love your wife. Love and sex are two very different things. And as you’ve probably guessed already, there’s no necessary connection between the two. Sometimes they go together, but not always. So it is possible to love someone dearly and deeply, but still be consumed with pursuing sex with others.
As screwed up as your BF is, and he is pretty fucked up, he is just part of the problem. You’ve got some obsession issues yourself that you need to address. Your boyfriend probably has you pegged as a pussy…and not in a good way. He knows you will tolerate his misbehavior, which of course gives him permission to do whatever he feels like doing whenever he feel like doing it. If you’re really serious about reining in the bastard, you’d better come up with a clear, unambiguous message about what you will and will not tolerate. Until you do precisely that he’ll just think that he can roam wherever he wants and whenever he wants.
sex. Maybe that’s the only way he can cope with his guilt or shame. When he smokes he likes to top me. But when I top him, he’s a very passive. I told him what I like sexually, so he knows. But he doesn’t even try to please me. He doesn’t play with my nips when I top, which is the only way I can cum. When I bottom it’s simply out of desire for intimacy, it doesn’t do anything for me sexually.
He knows me well enough to know when I’m pissed. So the next time we were together, he asked if he had done something wrong. He’s a fuckin’ genius! He asked if he had been too passive as a bottom. Unfortunately, he was pretty stoned at this point, so I thought any further discussion would be fruitless.
Come on, you’re doin’ way too much poppers and you know it. Maybe it’s a lucky thing that your teeth and gums are alerting you to your excess. But, hey, if you choose not to heed your body’s signals then you must be brain dead.
Listen, my friend, if I were you I’d encourage my fuck buddy to see a doctor right away. STDs (or more properly, Sexually Transmitted Infections) aside, inflammation and itching, particularly the kind you describe, are always signs of a serious dermatological disturbance. Medical issues like this, especially if they reoccur, should not be taken lightly. His body is trying to get his attention, for christ sake. What is he waiting for, a neon sign?