Category Archives: Transexual/transgender

Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are

Just in time for National Coming Out Day, which just so happens to be today, October 11th, we have this from Craig:

Doc,
I’m 19, and I’ve decided that I’m gay. But I don’t know how to tell anyone. I’m afraid that I’ll lose my friends and family. I come from a very religious family, and they’ll never understand. I don’t want to hurt them, but I want to be honest about who I am. Just wondering if you could help me.

Coming out is never easy—or almost never—but having to do so to bigoted people makes things worse. There are many different aspects to the coming out process. It means both owning and valuing who you are, and sharing that information with others. You’ve apparently laid the groundwork by self-identifying as gay. Unfortunately, coming out also means learning to deal with the hostility many people have toward us sexual minorities.

Owning your sexual identity and integrating it into your overall sense of self is the first step in what I believe is a lifelong process. Your sexual preferences are just a small part of who you are. It is indeed an important part, but it’s not necessarily the defining element that some would make it out to be. In this instance, LGBT folks are not all that different from everyone else who is awakening to his/her sexuality. We can take some comfort from the fact that we are not alone. So many other segments of the population are marginalized and discounted because of their race, gender, age, religion, ethnic origin, you name it. Let’s face it, pup, our culture doesn’t do real well with diversity.

And ya know what else? There are a whole lot of us who are marginalized and who are discriminated against, who then turn right around and discriminate against and marginalize others. This just breaks my heart! Hopefully you’ll avoid the temptation to do this yourself.

Being different in our society is a double-edged sword. Obviously, it’s a challenge to the status quo, but it also frees us up to tread a less traveled path. To compensate for the difficulties of being a minority, we get to define ourselves in ways that are unavailable to the dominant culture.

I don’t suppose any of us is ever entirely really free of our own internalized homophobia, any more than other marginalized minorities can rid themselves of their internalized self-doubt. No one can completely escape the prejudices and biases that surround them, but most of us make our way, regardless. That’s why coming out is so important. It empowers us. It increases our self-esteem. Honesty increases personal integrity. And when we stop hiding or denying this important aspect of ourselves, we have greater freedom of self-expression, and we become more available for happy, healthy and honest relationships.

So, how much do you know about LGBT history? Knowing that you belong to a big and vibrant community with a long and illustrious history will enhance your queer identity. You’ll find positive role models in every era of human history, and in every human endeavor—and affirmative role models will help you achieve a positive sense of self. (However, you’re gonna have to do some digging. The dominant culture suppresses queer history, which often leaves those who are just coming out feeling isolated, alone and unsure. Fear of rejection from the dominant culture is greatest for those who don’t know they belong to something bigger and stronger than themselves.)

Knowing your gay history will also give you ammunition to refute those around you who will try to label you as sick or sinful. Loads of LGBT folk have enriched civilization through science, religion, music, politics, art, theater, sports and literature, to name just a few. Long before you and I showed up on the scene they were paving the way for the freedoms and tolerance we currently enjoy in this country.

If you’re not already involved in your local gay community, it’s high time you got hooked up. Practice your coming out skills with other LGBT people. Coming out to those who are most likely to be supportive will make this phase easier. And in doing so, you’ll be creating a natural support system of friends who will be your gay “family.” You will also find helpful resources, including support groups, crisis lines, gay-friendly churches and synagogues, social outlets and political and cultural activities and organizations.

Once you’ve honed your coming out skills with the queer community, you’ll be ready to move on to straight folks. This will probably be a mixed bag. Some won’t give a hoot. Others may have a lot of hoot to give. The best advice I can give you is the same advice I received from my gay elders when I was coming out at about your age: Make your coming out a celebration.

Listen, if you carry your hat in your hand, shuffle your feet and look all dejected when you make your announcement, your audience will have little choice but to receive the information as bad or troubling news. However, if you stand up, look the person in the eye, and tell her or him that you have some wonderful news to share with them, you will be giving them a running start on receiving the information as good news. Besides, a positive presentation will help short-circuit some of the initial shock or confusion they may experience.

Expect that most straight folks—particularly those of a religious bent—will need some time to get used to the idea of you being queer. And as you suggest, it is quite possible that some family members or friends may reject you initially. But it’s not the end of the world, and lots of people, even some religious folks, come around in their own sweet time.

Coming out to others will be a more positive experience if you’re comfortable in your own skin. Hopefully you’re not overly dependent on others for your sense of self—a tall order for someone of your tender age and background. But remember, thousands of people, young and old from every corner of the world, are making their first tentative steps out of the closet right this minute. You are not alone.

How well you do fare may ultimately hinge on controlling, as much as possible, the time and place you come out. If you “out” yourself as opposed to being “outted” by someone else, you’re more likely to succeed. Being able to judge the receptiveness of your audience is also important. The best time for you might not necessarily be the best time for the person you’re about to tell. (F’rinstance, grandpa’s funeral may not be the ideal time to announce to your family that you’re a big fat flamer.)

While some friends and family may have figured you’re queer long before you have, give everyone the time and space he or she needs to work through the news. Be prepared for some negative reactions. (Having some supportive friends available to talk things through afterward, or retreat to, will help.) If you do your best to bring the news in a life affirming way and your audience still rejects you, that’s not your fault; nor does that make them right. You have the right to be who you are. You have the right to be out, proud and open about all the aspects of your life, including your sexuality. Never let people unable to accept that, even if they are family, diminish your self-worth.

Coming out may be difficult, but it’s also very rewarding. Coming out affirms your dignity, as well as underscores the dignity of other queer folk. Finally, never take for granted the freedom and tolerance the dominant culture begrudgingly gives us. It’s only through vigilance and political action that we secure our rightful place in society.

Good luck.

Sex EDGE-U-cation With Toni Newman — Podcast #301 — 09/28/11


Hello sex fans! Welcome back.

I’m delighted to welcome back Toni Newman, the author of the groundbreaking: I Rise – The Transformation of Toni Newman, as my guest, for Part 2 of this special twofer show. As you recall from last week, Toni is here as part of both the SEX WISDOM series and the Sex EDGE-U-cation series. Her signature no-hold-bared style of addressing the issues of sex, sexuality and gender is as refreshing as it is often startling.

But wait, you didn’t miss Part 1 of our chat, did you? Well not to worry if ya did, because you can find it and all my podcasts in the Podcast Archive right here on my site. All ya gotta do is use the search function in the header; type in Podcast #299 and Voilà! But don’t forget the #sign when you do your search.

Toni and I discuss:

  • The lack of positive role models for transgender people of color;
  • The personal price of authenticity;
  • Finally being comfortable in her own skin;
  • Sex, sexuality and gender;
  • The fluidity of sexual attraction;
  • The hypocrisy of some of her former johns;
  • The role of prostitution in society;
  • Knowledge is power and education is the key to survival;
  • Being a sex educator;
  • The future — completing law school and a screenplay.

Toni invites you to visit her on her site HERE! She’s on Facebook HERE! And enjoy her twitter feed HERE!

(Click on the book art below to buy Toni’s book.)

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously, or just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s podcast is bought to you by: Hot Plus Size Lingerie.
Plus Size Lingerie

SEX WISDOM With Toni Newman — Podcast #299 — 09/21/11

Hello sex fans! Welcome back.

Holy cow, I’m giddy with excitement, because I have an extraordinary program in store for you today. I am honored to be welcoming my first transgendered guest to the show. Just to be clear, it’s not like I haven’t reached out to other transgendered people in the past; I have. It just that I was never was able to seal the deal.

So when I contacted Toni Newman, the author of the groundbreaking: I Rise – The Transformation of Toni Newman, I kind of expected the same kind of noncommittal response I got from the other prospective guests. I was so pleasantly surprised to find that not only was Toni willing to come speak with us, she has an inspirational story of survival and triumph over the most amazing odds to tell.

But wait; that’s not all! This show is a twofer, don’t cha know. My guest, our conversation and the themes discussed in this podcast easily fall into both the SEX WISDOM series and the Sex EDGE-U-cation series.

Toni is, of course, among the movers and shakers in the field of human sexuality; who are making news and helping us take a fresh look at our sexual selves. But she’s also a former sex worker who honestly and forthrightly speaks about her life on the streets and as a tranny dominatrix. Hold on to your hats, sex fans, you’ll not find a more startling and revealing interview anywhere on the net.

Toni and I discuss:

  • Being the first African-American transgendered person to write a memoir;
  • The unique perspective of transgendered people or color;
  • Transgender/transsexual;
  • Gender and genitalia;
  • Being shunned by other sexual minorities;
  • Transgender and sexual orientation;
  • Her life before her transition;
  • The difficulties she faced in her transition;
  • The phenomenal expense of a transition;
  • Being a sex worker.

Toni invites you to visit her on her site HERE!  She’s on Facebook HERE! And enjoy her twitter feed HERE!

(Click on the book art below to buy Toni’s book.)

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: DR DICK’S — HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY.

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Sex EDGE-U-cation with Debra Christina Darling – Podcast #135 – 07/01/09

Hey sex fans,

Debra & Karen

And now for something completely different.  Ya’ll know how through this Sex EDGE-U-cation podcast series, we’ve been looking at the world of fetish sex, kink and alternative sexual lifestyles, right?  And how we’ve been chatting with prominent educators, practitioners and advocates of unconventional sexual expressions and lifestyles from all over the world, right?

Well then, today we take another walk on the wild side.  I bring you Part 1 of my conversation with a true original.  My guest is the one and only Debra Christina Darling

Debra self-identifies as a straight drag queen.  That’s right you heard me; he’s a straight man who crossdresses, and has done so for most of his life.  But what’s so special about that?  Lots of straight men crossdress.  This is true!  But few are as “out there” and as willing to challenge some of the popular notions of sex and gender held by both those inside, and outside, the crossdressing community.  I can assure you sex fans, Debra has balls and the attitude to match; thus the drag queen designation, don’t cha know.

You won’t want to miss a minute of this exceptional discussion!

Debra and I discuss:

  • Crossdressing vs. transvestism.
  • Her own personal journey and her activism.
  • Famous crossdressers in history.
  • Reasons why people crossdress, and the challenges.
  • The sexual charge of gender specific clothing.
  • Common myths of crossdressing.
  • Advice for parents of crossdressing kids.
  • Male crossdressing / female crossdressing, the double standard.

Debra shares with us several crossdressing resources and invites you to check them out.  The Esprit Conference, Karen Williams’ site, The Emerald City and The Ingersoll Center.

See a slideshow of current and historical crossdressers.

Click on the thumbnails below.

[nggallery id=30]

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes.  You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s podcast is bought to you by:  Dr Dick’s Stockroom.

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No Song Unsung, No Wine Untasted

Hey sex fans,

Listen up!

I’m adding a new feature to my Q&A columns.  Whenever possible, I will include in my response a link to a movie in my HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY (see the VOD tab at the top of the page) that will further educate or enrich the person who is asking the question.

Think of it as at HOMEWORK or further study on the topic at hand.  I hope all of you will benefit from this terrific instructional and enriching resource.


Name: Bob
Gender:
Age: 48
Location: Long Island, N.Y.
Almost 20 yrs. ago I had a transexual encounter. It was different but wonderful. Now I find myself wanting to explore this experience again. I’m now married with kids and I know it’s cheating but it won’t leave my thoughts. I don’t know what to think. I love being with a woman but this hunger won’t go away and I ‘m not entirely sure if I want it to. I don’t know if this means I’m gay, bi, or what. Please, please, if you’ve any advice your help and thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Hey Bob, the question of weather this craving makes you are gay, bi or what is the least of your issues, darlin’.  You got this jones about chicks with dicks and it won’t go away because you don’t want it to go away.  It’s a hunger that you feed by starving it. And I’m gonna go way out on a limb here and guess that you will, in pretty short order, go out and get you some of this exotic monkey love, just like before you were married.  And I also predict that you will make it a habit, risks to your comfortable life and cheating on you wife not withstanding.

Here’s the thing about sexual obsessions of any stripe.  The more you starve them the more the hunger consumes you.  So rather than treat the desire head on, perhaps you need to address the underlying issues that give rise to it.  I’d be willing to speculate that your life has become so predictable, mundane and lethargic that you long to be startled a114542_xlfawake from this slumber.  You entertain these juicy revelries as a way of keeping yourself from completely succumbing to the boredom.  Am I right, Bob?  I think I am.

You see, the real issue here is not your cravings for a walk on the wild side; it’s the boredom at your core.  Desperate men do desperate things.  And bored men do foolish things.  So I suppose you need to ask yourself, to what lengths are you willing to go to satisfy this craving?  And once you answer that, the more important question remains to be answered.  How many times will you have to satisfy your craving to balance out the monotony in the rest of your life?

You see, how this has virtually nothing to do with your sexual orientation, gay, bi or whatever; it has to do with your lifestyle.

Perhaps, indulging your sexual fantasy in the relatively harmless form of some video consumption might assuage your obsession.  It sure beats skippin’ out on your wife and family to satisfy your jones.

Name: Fran
Gender:  Female
Age: 33
Location: South Africa
I have a new lover, 10 years my junior.  We meet at a play party about three weeks ago.  He is very adventuresome and totally submissive.  He told me he wants me to shave him from head to toe and he wants me to do this while he is restrained and gagged.  I’m confident about my bondage skills, but I’ve never saved anyone.  Do you have any tips?

Some gals have all the luck!  You gots yourself a submissive pup; good for you!  Just think, this shaving scene could be a real Samson and Delilah kinda set up, and hopefully one of biblical proportions.  HOT!

The overall body shave can be a bit tricky, especially for those sensitive areas of the body not used to being shaved.  You can pretty much count on some nicks and cuts and there will be a fair amount of post-shave skin irritation too.  It’s just par for the course.  Ya’ll can minimize a lot of this by attending to some fundamentals before the event begins.

nakedballs

Most us men have discovered that shaving our face later in the day, or better…at night makes shaving easier.  The same is true for fetish shaving.  Nighttime is the best time!  Work in a clean, well-lit place.  The darkened dungeon is good choice for after-shave play, but you’ll need lots of light for the shave itself. You also need ready access to lots of clean hot water.  So why not strap the boy to the bathroom sink, shower head, or better yet the kitchen table.

If the pup resembles the missing link, you’ll want to start the whole business by trimming his body hair as close to the skin as possible before you employ the razor. I suggest using a high quality barber shears for this.

Choose your razors carefully. Unless you are a real connoisseur and know how to wield a straight razor, stick with safety razors.  Since you’re gonna be doing his whole body, be sure to stock up on a shit-load of the quality plastic disposable kind.  You will find that the blades dull really fast when they are shaving course body hair.  Dull razors, as everyone knows, will nick and scrape more than a sharp razor.  You’ll want to minimize the number of times you pull the razor across any given patch of skin so as to minimize razor burn.

Cover the area you are about to shave with a hot, wet towel. It’ll soften the hair and makes it easier to remove.  Use lots of shaving gel.  Gel is better than shaving cream for sensitive skin.  Always shave with the growth of the hair, not against.  Be sure to have a styptic pencil or gel handy to stop bleeding when you nick the little monkey.  And depending on how fastidious you are; keep a pair tweezers handy for yanking out the stray hairs you and your razor miss.  This will give your sub something to remember!

No matter how careful you are, there will always be microscopic nicks and cuts afterwards. Left untreated, this can leave the skin open to a nasty infection. To prevent this, apply a liberal amount of an astringent, like which hazel.  Hydrogen peroxide is and excellent and inexpensive alternative.

Ya know those nasty little red bumps that are caused by ingrown hairs?  You can cut down on these little buggers by buffing the freshly shaved area with a cosmetic buff pad.  Finally, a liberal application of a moisturizer is recommended to cut down on the itching that will inevitably follow.  If the sub has never done this before, he will soon find out that he will be plagued by itching as his hair starts to grow in.  Too bad for him, huh?

As you can see, this is gonna be a whole lot of work for you.  And there’s gonna be a lot of clean up too.  Lucky for you, you’ll have a freshly shaved sub to do all the work while you relax kick your feet up and eat your bonbons.

This might be helpful too — check out my review of The Ultimate Personal Shaver Kit HERE!

Here are some video suggestions to accompany my thoughts.

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Name: Susie
Gender:
Age: 25
Location: Indianapolis
My husband and I are beginning to experiment with some light bondage and discipline.  We’d like to know more about this and how to play safely.  Unfortunately, because of his job we are stuck here in Indianapolis for another whole year.  We have yet to find even one other person around here who shares our kink.  So we don’t have anyone to ask about this.

Ahhh, the joys of the heartland.  I’d be willing to guess there are other kinky pervs, like you guys, right there in Indian-apollis, but they don’t know how to find you anymore than you guys know how to find them.  Kinda sad, huh?  Well probably ya’ll are gonna need to turn to them internet tubes for the help you’re looking for.  Kink and BDSM sites abound.  Almost all of them have great “how to” and “helpful tips” sections geared to the budding kinkster.  Several of these sites also feature profiles, chat rooms and bulletin boards for like-minded folks to connect and play.

For something really special, check out my newest podcast series — Sex EDGE-U-cation.  I’m chatting with prominent educators, practitioners and advocates of unconventional sexual expressions and lifestyles from all over the world.

But since you are here, darlin’, I do have some preliminary thoughts to share.  First, every scene should be negotiated before play begins.  Never bypass this important step even if the two of you only play with one another.  Ya see, what you don’t want to have happen is to break the mood mid-scene to ask a question or seek direction.  All that should be taken care of before you start the play.  Get use to working out all the logistics a head of time.  These important negotiation sessions will also force you to communicate with each other and give you a ready vocabulary for talking with other prospective partners should the opportunity ever arise.

Negotiating a BDSM scene is not a “I’ll do this for you if you do that for me” sort of deal, like in vanilla sex.  Rather it’s an honest discussion about you and your partner’s wants, needs, expectations and limits for the scene. Regardless if you are the dominant top or a submissive bottom, you must be equal partners when negotiating each scene.

If you do this sort of play a lot, the negotiations may become perfunctory.  But like I said, a114592_xlf1they ought never be skipped.  The nature of these negotiations is to set parameters, ascertain boundaries and establish limits — for example the intensity and duration of the scene. You may find that you need to set a time limit for your play, or discuss the type of restraints and means of discipline to be used.  Debriefing (also known as Aftercare), once the scene is ended, is also a real good idea.  You’ll, of course, need to establish safewords for your play.  And if you don’t know what those are; you’d best stick to vanilla.

The more experience you have, the more likely you will develop a shorthand for negotiating your play.  However, the less experienced you are, the more important it will be to spell out absolutely everything.  Your negotiations ought to be a frank and open discussion, no holds bared as it were.  Remember, you are not in the scene yet.  So no one, dom or sub, has more input than the other.  Speak and question one another freely.

The first question the dom needs to ask of the sub is “What are your limits?” Be specific, direct and pointed when you ask about one’s limits. The novice sub may not know his or her limits, so the dom will have to proceed with the utmost caution.  This is where the safeword will most likely come into play.

The sub ought to have unqualified trust in the dom; without this the scene isn’t play, it’s abuse. Remember, there is never room for coercion in the negotiations.  Save the guilt tripping, shame-inducement and intimidation for the scene itself.

Here’s some at homework for you and your husband.  Check out The Surrender Of O.  This is just one of the exceptionally fine enrichment videos in my How To Video Library.

Name: juan
Gender: Male
Age: 32
Location:
When me and my wife have sex I like to cum in her ass. Is that bad for her?

If her’s is the only ass you cum in, there’s no problem.

However, if you’re dippin’ you wick in other bung-holes, or have multiple partners of any sort, exchanging bodily fluids is not recommended.

Good luck ya’ll

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