Consensual non-monogamy refers to a relationship structure in which all parties involved agree to engage in romantic, sexual or otherwise intimate relationships with multiple partners with the complete knowledge and consent of everyone involved. It encompasses various forms of non-monogamous arrangements, including but not limited to:
Polyamory. Having multiple, concurrent romantic and/or sexual relationships.
Open relationships. Sexual relationships with others outside of the primary partnership, while maintaining emotional commitment to each other.
Swinging. Romantically exclusive partners seek out shared sexual experiences with other individuals or couples. For instance, they may swap sexual partners with another couple.
Research shows that consensually non-monogamous relationships have similar levels of relationship quality and well-being as compared to monogamous relationships and it is natural to think about exploring them. However, there is still a significant amount of stigma and trepidation around entering such relationships. While bringing it up with a monogamous or long-term partner, you may encounter apprehension on their end or even have some questions about the process yourself.
Here are three common questions or fears that arise when considering consensual non-monogamy and how to navigate them.
1. Is Something Missing In Our Relationship?
Entering a non-monogamous relationship can bring up the question of whether there is something missing in the relationship, or even in oneself, and create uncertainty about a partner’s motivation for wanting to try a new arrangement.
However, it is possible to practice non-monogamy while still being in healthy and loving partnerships and the fundamental principle of this arrangement is that all parties involved are aware of the nature of the relationship, have given informed consent and willingly participate in it.
A 2022 survey revealed that two-thirds of Americans report fantasizing about having sex with other people and a third of partnered Americans would ideally like a certain degree of openness in their relationship as long as their primary relationship wouldn’t be compromised, highlighting that this desire is more common than we think.
Research shows that desiring consensual non-monogamy does not necessarily signal relationship problems and could instead be related to pursuing individual and relational well-being, exploring one’s sexuality or sexual fantasies, seeking personal growth, autonomy and novel experiences. Sex researcher Zhana Vrangalova of New York University explains that the human needs for security and companionship can co-exist with the need for novelty, exploration and experience-seeking, rather than competing with them.
Reflecting on your motivation to explore consensual non-monogamy and communicating it clearly to your partner, along with creating an agreement of boundaries, levels of disclosure about other partners, regular relationship check-ins and mutual relationship goals can create an arrangement that is comfortable and reaffirming for all parties.
2. What Will People Think Of Us?
The fear of being ostracized by others is not unfounded, as consensual non-monogamists might be perceived as promiscuous, making excuses for infidelity, less satisfied in their relationships or immoral.
Research shows that consensual non-monogamists often experience erasure of their identity and have to engage in disproportionate emotional labor to be understood in interpersonal relationships. A 2022 study further highlighted the expressions of disapproval, loss of resources, threatening behaviors, character devaluation and relationship devaluation they face.
Additionally, the external stigma and societal idealization of monogamy can become internalized and multi-partnered individuals consequently struggle with feeling that their desires are unnatural and experience psychological distress.
Researchers suggest that unlearning internalized bias, selectively disclosing relationship configurations in safe spaces and seeking support from peers and allies are all important coping tools to navigate this stigma.
3. Will This Change Our Relationship?
The anticipation of drama, jealousy and relationship conflicts deter people from considering consensual non-monogamy even if they are inclined to it. A 2022 study found that those who are more apprehensive about non-monogamy display more “zero-sum thinking” about relationships, referring to the notion that one person’s gain comes at another’s expense. These beliefs lead to viewing non-monogamy as diminishing resources within the primary relationship, such as time, financial support and sexual access to each other.
A 2020 study found that consensual non-monogamists could experience greater sexual satisfaction, especially with a defined and mutually agreed upon goal to address their sexual incompatibilities, without affecting individual life satisfaction or relationship quality with their primary partner.
Vrangalova suggests taking baby steps toward non-monogamy when you are starting out and talking about sexual fantasies rather than shying away from them. “Opening up” the relationship also does not have to physically involve another person.
“You can invite what I like to call the ‘shadow of the third’ into your relationship through shared fantasies, conversations, shared porn consumption, going to ‘play parties’ but maybe to watch and trying out apps that specialize in non-monogamous connections,” suggests Vrangalova.
It is essential to remember that your relationship dynamic is completely up to the two of you and you can set the ground rules together. An honest, open dialogue to address concerns, feelings and needs can help create the experience you both desire.
Non-monogamy has been practiced in some circles for a long time, but recently, there’s been more curiosity about the topic.
According to Google data, the term “ethical non-monogamy” has seen more than a 250% increase in search traffic over the past year. A 2020 YouGov poll of 1,300 U.S. adults found that a third of respondents say their ideal relationship is non-monogamous to a degree. And more than 20% of single Americans have engaged in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lives, per a 2017 study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy.
“It’s not just a new fad,” polyamory educator Leanne Yau told HuffPost. “People have been doing non-monogamy for a very long time. I think people are just talking about it more now.”
So what does it mean exactly? Non-monogamy is an umbrella term that encompasses various relationship styles that are not sexually and/or romantically exclusive between two people.
Sarah Stroh, a non-monogamous writer and creator behind the @monogamish_me Instagram account, described it to HuffPost as: “Any relationship structure that is consensually and openly non-monogamous, meaning either — or more likely both — partners in a couple have romantic and/or sexual contact with people other than each other.”
You may have come across the term “ethical non-monogamy,” sometimes referred to as “ENM.” The word “ethical” has been used to differentiate these kinds of relationships — where all parties have talked about and agreed to the arrangement — from ones where cheating is happening.
“It’s not just a new fad. People have been doing non-monogamy for a very long time. I think people are just talking about it more now.”
– Leanne Yau, polyamory educator
But some experts take issue with the term, said Zachary Zane, a sex columnist and sex expert for Archer, a new dating app for queer men. In his book “Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto,” he explains the pushback from researchers, educators and activists in the space about use of the word “ethical.”
“They don’t like the term ‘ethical’ because it implies that non-monogamy is inherently unethical. Why else would you feel compelled to preface with ‘ethical’?” he writes in the book.
“It also holds non-monogamy to an unfair, higher standard than monogamy. Monogamous people constantly lie and cheat on their partners, and they don’t have to preface their behaviors with [being] ethical or unethical, so why do non-monogamous folks? Then, of course, many ENM relationships are not ethical. You can absolutely still be a piece of shit even when practicing ENM.”
Instead, many people prefer terms like “consensual non-monogamy” (CNM) or just “non-monogamy.”
There are four main types of non-monogamous relationships.
Some of the common relationship structures that fall under the non-monogamous umbrella include monogamish, swinging, open relationships and polyamory.
“Things can be very fluid between them, but broadly, I see them falling into four types,” Yau said.
Monogamish is a term that was coined by sex and relationships writer and podcast host Dan Savage, and refers to a predominantly monogamous relationship in which “sexual activity outside the relationship is seen as the exception rather than the norm,” Yau said.
“So, that might look like having a threesome on special occasions, or occasionally going to a sex party. Or if there’s a kink that you want to explore, telling your partner and then finding someone to indulge that with,” she explained.
Swinging is when couples have sexual experiences with multiple partners, typically (but not always) as a unit. It often involves swapping partners or engaging in group sex, among other types of sexual play.
“Swinging is something that couples do together, as in they sleep with other people together, and they engage with other singles and/or couples. So that might look like threesomes, foursomes, orgies, sex parties, that kind of thing,” said Yau, noting that the term “swinger” has fallen out of favor to a degree. Some people, especially those in younger generations, may prefer to say they’re part of “the lifestyle” instead.
An open relationship is typically one that is sexually non-monogamous, but romantically monogamous. (Previously, however, people used the term as a catch-all to describe any non-monogamous relationship, Yau noted.)
“So when someone says that they are in an open relationship, I take that to mean that they are only romantically dating one person, but both of them can have casual sex with other people, either separately or together, on the side,” Yau said.
Polyamory is the only form of non-monogamy “where you not only have sexual non-exclusivity, but also romantic non-exclusivity,” Yau said. In other words, you’re part of multiple loving relationships at the same time. This stands in contrast to the other non-monogamous relationships described above in which everything outside of the primary relationship is “kept strictly sexual or casual, however you define that,” Yau explained.
Many common assumptions about non-monogamy aren’t true.
Non-monogamy may be gaining traction but is still very much at odds with our monogamous cultural norms. Stigma and misunderstandings about these types of relationships persist. One common misconception: Non-monogamous relationships aren’t serious or lasting.
“My partner of over three years and I are non-monogamous and expecting a child in January,” Stroh said. “Non-monogamy is not just a phase or a structure for people who want something casual.”
Zane echoed a similar sentiment: “There’s this notion that ENM, specifically polyamory, isn’t sustainable long-term, meaning eventually, you and your partner(s) will break up,” he said. “Needless to say, that isn’t the case. There are poly folks who’ve been with their partners for decades.”
Some people mistakenly believe non-monogamy is cheating, which it’s not. In non-monogamous relationships, everyone should be aware, engaged and “enthusiastically participating,” Yau said. Honest communication, established guidelines and recurring check-ins are foundational here, just as they are in any healthy relationship.
“Non-monogamous relationships, just like monogamous relationships, require that everyone be aware and consenting,” Yau said. “It’s not the same as going behind someone else’s back and just kind of doing your own thing and having multiple partners without anyone knowing.”
“My partner of over three years and I are non-monogamous and expecting a child in January. Non-monogamy is not just a phase or a structure for people who want something casual.”
– Sarah Stroh, a non-monogamous writer
Another common misconception is that non-monogamy is just a last-ditch effort for couples trying to save their marriage.
“Of course, there are some folks who do attempt ENM as their relationship is failing, and the vast majority of the time, it does not save the relationship,” Zane said. “But that’s not the majority of folks who are ENM.”
In fact, if your relationship is in a bad place, introducing non-monogamy is probably only going to make matters worse, Yau said.
“Because non-monogamy requires quite a lot of security and confidence and trust in your partner in order to engage with it in a sustainable and healthy way,” she said. “A relationship that is on its way towards ending anyway is probably not going to be the best fit for that.”
Monogamous people may also assume that non-monogamous people are just inherently less jealous, which isn’t necessarily true.
“Non-monogamous folks are still human,” Zane said. “We still get jealous. We just — hopefully — address it better. Instead of lashing out at our partners, we admit that we’re feeling jealous and insecure, attempt to figure out the root of the jealousy and work together to find a solution.”
There also tends to be this assumption that at least one person in a non-monogamous relationship is being pushed into it against their will.
“Meaning, one partner would prefer to be monogamous but ‘can’t get their partner to commit to them,’” Stroh said. “Of course, these things are true sometimes for people who claim they are polyamorous, but it’s often not the case.”
This perception that one partner is being dragged into it and crying themselves to sleep every night is “really unfair,” Yau said.
“It portrays non-monogamous people as being selfish or toxic or abusive when we’re not interested in dating monogamous people, for the most part,” Yau said. “We want other people who fully accept and validate us and our desires.”
In 2022, University of Melbourne evolutionary psychologist Dr Khandis Blake estimated that among young people, “around 4-5 per cent of people might be involved in a polyamorous relationship, and about 20 per cent have probably tried one”.
Polyamory statistics in Australia are limited. But recent research in the US shows just over 11% of people are currently in polyamorous relationships, while 20% have engaged in some form of non-monogamy. In the UK, just under 10% of people would be open to a non-monogamous relationship.
“To us, a slut is a person of any gender who celebrates sexuality according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you,” write the co-authors of The Ethical Slut, a now-classic guide to non-monogamy (tagged “the Poly Bible”).
Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton are the co-authors of The Ethical Slut.
When it was first published more than 25 years ago, shattered social norms and stigma around non-traditional relationship styles. Now in its third edition, revised to address cultural changes like gender diversity and new technological innovations (like dating apps), it’s sold over 200,000 copies since its first publication in 1997.
As a non-monogamous practitioner myself, I welcome literature that aims to destigmatise relationships that sit outside monogamy.
Sexual educator Janet W. Hardy and psychotherapist Dossie Easton, two self-described queer, polyamorous “ethical sluts” – friends, lovers and frequent collaborators – bring readers into their world of multiple partners and multiple kinds of sex. It encourages them to think about their own desires, and how they might be achieved in ethical ways.
Easton decided against monogamy after leaving a traumatic relationship, with a newborn daughter, in 1969. She taught her first class in “unlearning jealousy” in 1973. Hardy left a 13-year marriage in 1988, after realising she was no longer interested in monogamy. The pair met in 1992, through a San Francisco BDSM group.
Two years later, sick in bed, Hardy stumbled on the film Indecent Proposal, where a marriage crumbles after millionaire Robert Redford offers a madly-in-love (but struggling with money) married couple, played by Woody Harrelson and Demi Moore, a million dollars for one night with Demi.
“A million dollars and Robert Redford, and they have a problem with this? It made no sense to me,” Hardy told Rolling Stone. “I really got it at that point, how distant I had become from mainstream sexual ethics.” And so she reached out to Easton to propose they collaborate on a book on non-monogamy.
The Ethical Slut is a significant guide to navigating sexual freedom, open relationships and polyamory – responsibly and thoughtfully. It’s aimed at readers exploring non-monogamy, or supporting loved ones to do so.
What is The Ethical Slut?
The book is divided into four parts, each offering mental exercises to help readers embrace a sexually diverse lifestyle. It aims to support those interested in exploring non-monogamous relationships, free from stigma or shame.
The first part offers an overview of non-monogamy. An ethical slut approaches their relationships with communication and care for their partner(s), whether casual or committed, while staying true to their desires.
In the second part, the authors urge readers to break free from the “starvation economy” mindset, which conditions us to think love and intimacy are scarce resources. This is what leads to fear and possessiveness in dating, sex and relationships, they explain.
In part three, readers learn how to handle jealousy and insecurity, while managing conflicts effectively.
Finally, the authors cover various non-monogamous sexual practices. There are tips for navigating swinging and open relationships as a single person, group sex (orgies), and advice on asking for what you want in a sexual encounter.
‘Everything’s out on a big buffet’
The Ethical Slut’s appeal lies in its ability to help people shift their mindset about monogamy, in a society where other forms of relationships have often been deemed immoral. (Though this is changing.)
What I’m seeing among young people is that they don’t have the same need to self-define by what they like to do in bed, or in relationships, like my generation did. Everything’s out on a big buffet, and they try a little of everything.
Ezra Miller has talked about his ‘polycule’.
Five years later, in 2023, many celebrities openly identify as polyamorous. Ezra Miller has talked about his “polycule” (a network of people in non-monogamous relationships with one another), musician Yungblud has called himself polyamorous, and Shailene Woodley has been in and out of open relationships.
Books like Neil Strauss’s The Game (2005) view sex and relationships as ongoing competitions, requiring varied strategies to effectively land a partner. Instead, The Ethical Slut encourages developing genuine, consensual connections through communication and honesty. Relationships are seen as fluid and open to change, with endings viewed as opportunities for growth and development, not failures.
Rather than teach readers to mimic a social norm that will “win” them sex or relationships, The Ethical Slut pushes readers to think beyond what is “normal”.
Dating apps like Feeld, PolyFinda and OkCupid enable individuals to link profiles with their partners, promoting transparency and openness about their relationship status and desire for diverse sexual experiences.
And more books with varied and nuanced takes on non-monogamy have emerged since 1997, such as More than Two, Opening Up and Many Love.
A utopian mirage?
There’s much to appreciate in the messages The Ethical Slut conveys. However, it’s framed with a utopia in mind – one that doesn’t quite exist.
A key aspect of this book is challenging the starvation economy that influences monogamous relationships. In an ideal world, breaking free from this mindset about love and intimacy seems like paradise. The idea of loving more than one person is beautiful, connected and certainly achievable. But it’s also a significant challenge.
For many, longing for love and connection is not just a concept but a real, lived experience. Withholding affection in relationships can be emotionally abusive and manipulative. It’s essential to recognise non-monogamous people may still be susceptible to – or even perpetuate – these behaviours.
The authors present themselves as spiritually and morally enlightened in their non-monogamous choices and their sexual practices. Monogamy is framed as a negative byproduct of a regressive culture, rather than a genuine choice in its own right. Substance use is severely frowned on, echoing longstanding taboos around the use of drugs in sexual play.
The Ethical Slut frames monogamy as ‘a negative byproduct of a regressive culture’, rather than a choice.
The Ethical Slut makes universal assumptions about people’s experiences without considering broader social and personal influences. For instance, the section on flirting assumes a global understanding on what constitutes flirting cues between people. It lacks cultural, gendered and neurodiversity awareness.
Rejecting sex is not always easy
The authors assert “being asked [for sex], even by someone you don’t find attractive, is a compliment and deserves a thank-you”. Yet a simple “Thank you, I am not interested” is not always easy.
Research has shown women need to find ways to gently reject cisgender, heterosexual men to avoid violence (like “I have a boyfriend/husband”). And many men often do not take no as an answer. Thanking men for compliments can also lead to further hostility and aggression.
The authors advocate for women to say yes more, assuming women only say no due to shame and stigma. But the real fear of experiencing violence is a major deterrent. For example, recent research in the UK on recreational sex clubs has found that cisgender, heterosexual men may show sexual interest in trans women, only to immediately become violent with them.
These assumptions are echoed in discussions about barrier methods, sexual health testing, birth control and abortion options. The Ethical Slut assumes everyone has equitable access to sexual health education, and reproductive health services and products.
Yet the overturn of Roe vs Wade in the US has shown this is not the case. People who experience menstruation and pregnancy are increasingly losing – or never had – those reproductive freedoms.
Emotions are ‘choices’
The book envisions an idealised world where emotion and logic unite to challenge social constructs of monogamy, possessiveness and control. It’s underpinned by a belief our emotions (including jealousy) are choices we make about life events.
In The Ethical Slut, jealousy is solely attributed to the person experiencing it, overlooking its complexity in various contexts. Jealousy can be a sign of insecurity, grief or relationship issues, among other things.
Managing jealousy is presented as something an individual needs to address on their own. The book lacks guidance for dealing with partners who might contribute to jealousy by not fulfilling emotional needs, breaking boundaries, failing to communicating effectively, or purposely trying to evoke the feeling.
The person experiencing jealousy is held solely responsible for their emotion, ignoring the role of the non-jealous partner. Suggested responses, like “I’m sorry you feel that way, I have to go on my date now”, reaffirm this mindset.
Jealous partners are advised to write journal entries, practice mindfulness or go on a walk to deal with their emotion. In a book about sex that is fundamentally about relations with others, jealousy becomes lost in the hyperfocus on the individual.
The person experiencing jealousy is held solely responsible for their emotion.<
The book’s explanation that emotions like jealousy are normal and natural, may emerge unexpectedly and should not be shamed, contradicts the idea that emotions are choices. People don’t necessarily choose to feel grief, anxiety, insecurity or sadness. Intellectualising emotions as conscious choices does more harm than good.
The book also praises compersion, the act of feeling joy at your partner’s happiness – even with other partners – as a positive experience, possible when a partner feels secure. “A lot of us experience jealousy that we don’t want, so compersion can offer a pathway to a better place,” says Easton. Yet the book provides little guidance in how this can be achieved.
Compersion can also be weaponised against those who experience insecurities, with statements like “if you were really poly/non-monogamous, you’d feel compersion for me”. Some have suggested compersion should be seen as a bonus, not a requirement, in non-monogamy.
‘A too-perfect picture’
Non-monogamists may face challenging conversations about emotional needs. The book’s advice assumes a certain level of emotional intelligence, experience and good intentions. It lacks guidance on dealing with emotionally unintelligent partners, malicious intentions, potential abuse, or what to do when conversations go terribly awry.
While I applaud the book’s push towards destigmatising non-monogamy, it paints a too-perfect picture. The odd sense of censorship is even there in its depictions of potential challenges, which seem cherry-picked to demonstrate a sense of ease with the lifestyle.
Stories about managing jealousy come to neat and tidy endings. One example is Janet’s story about falling in love with another partner and having the discussion about it with her “primary” partner. Her primary handles the discussion well and they go on to have a fulfilling relationship. There are few genuinely negative examples.
As a result, The Ethical Slut feels like it’s working to hide any potential downfalls to embracing a non-monogamous lifestyle. But providing examples of where things do not work and how people manage that could be quite useful.
Nevertheless, the book is an important introduction to non-monogamy. Perhaps it’s best used as a stepping stone for deeper exploration.
Sex parties are exactly just that. They are parties, like any social gathering, except the people attending can (oftentimes) have sex. At some point in our lives, most of us have attempted to make out — or even get downright dirty — in the bathroom of a public venue, be it a nightclub, bar, or even an old-fashioned house party. (Plus, let’s be honest, many such locations are not safe places for women or queer folks.) Dancing and flirting are great, but if you’re looking to do more, know this: There are countless curated spaces that don’t just permit but encourage such mingling.
However, sex parties are not a monolith; they differ immensely from place to place, so I want you to forget what you’ve seen in the movies. While all such parties encourage sexual activity to some degree, it’s essential to have a clear understanding of what the party will entail — and to ensure that your own intentions, interests, and expectations align — prior to engaging in any activities (or even RSVPing). There are many differences between, say, a swingers orgy hosted at a person’s house versus a play party in a full-time dungeon, and both are quite unlike a warehouse party with beds in the back. My point: While your experience may vary for a number of reasons, the venue itself plays a big role.
Some parties encourage full-on orgies. Some are play parties that focus more on kink and not so much on penetration or heavy sexual activity. But all these events prioritize sex positivity, particularly play parties, also known as kink/BDSM parties.
“Play parties are often diverse and offer a protected outlet to explore diverse desires, specifically in groups beyond couple exchange,” explains Venus Cuffs, a nightlife entrepreneur and play party producer. “Swingers parties are typically, but not always, for couples in the swinger Lifestyle — with a capital L — meaning they like to play as a couple, often to varying degrees. But [they] will arrive and leave the party together and partake in couple-on-couple swaps.”
Cuffs says that people outside the BDSM community are often surprised to learn that most fetish or kink parties actually limit penetration, oral play, and, in some cases, even heavy petting.
What are some tips for a first-time sex party attendee?
It can feel daunting to go to a party where any type of sexual activity is encouraged. To ensure that you have a good time, below are three hot tip recommendations, straight from Venus Cuffs herself.
Trust the source. Research the promote or group throwing and the party and make sure they prioritize consent and acceptance.
Safety first. Make sure the people throwing the party have enforceable no-tolerance and policies and consent monitors.
Communicate. Whether you’re going with a partner or alone, take time to mindfully think through desires, expectations and concerns. Check in with yourself often and prioritize your needs.
So, what are sex parties actually like?
Every experience is different, of course, so I spoke to eight women about their first time attending an event in one of these spaces. Curious to try out a sex party? Maybe you already RSVP’d and are now digging for details to figure out what you should expect. Either way, let their experiences give you a sneak preview on what it might involve.
Carly S. (26, New York City)
“When I was 18, I joined a swingers website. I started dating a couple who frequented swinger parties. My first experience was exciting because I went with [them], so we got a lot of attention because we were young, attractive, and all exhibitionists. It got me really into the sensual experience and meeting people who enjoyed it, as well.
“Now, I frequently attend parties, but instead of swinger parties, I tend to find more queer-oriented parties and kink-focused events. A typical event will have a space where people can chat (and not play) and get to know each other, as well as other various stations set up for different scenes to have fun. Consent and rules of engagement are typically involved in good spaces.
“Find a play partner who you can bring to explore with. It’s a lot easier when you have a friend to lean on for support. Also, nonsexual munches can be a great place to start and get to know people. Don’t be afraid to say no and set boundaries. It’s not free for all. If something or someone makes you uncomfortable, let someone know. “
Birdie* (23)
“I had previously attended a few fetish parties in Scotland called Torture Gardens. However, my first sex party was in November 2022.
“There was a lot of latex, leather, and lace involved. At around 9 p.m., we proceeded to the dungeon which was across the street from my friend’s home. The dungeon was divided into three parts: one had a couch, a wall of dildos, a standing cage, hoists, a spanking bench, and a big bed-like table. The second area featured a [penetrative machine] and a St. Andrew’s Cross, along with a bench and multiple impact play toys, ranging from riding crops to floggers made with rubber spikes. The third room was for those who wanted to indulge in [medical fetishism]. That room was stocked with equipment needed for sounding, milking, pumping, nitrous gas, speculums, and a [gynecologist] chair with provisions to have multiple restraints.
“It was definitely one of the more enlightening experiences of my life. The amount of aftercare each of us offered [one another] was extraordinary. Snuggles being shared across the rooms, people laughing, people moaning, people crying. Oh yes — crying. I cried. I cried a lot.”
Gray* (42)
“I discovered the swinging lifestyle after separating from my first husband in 2016. I met someone on Tinder who introduced me to sex clubs, parties, and the lifestyle. My first party was at a sex club in New York City called Checkmate.
“It was a regular-looking apartment building. We took the elevator downstairs, paid the fee, and were welcomed into a bar area. Once ready to play, we went to a locker area where we could take our clothes off and get ‘comfortable.’ We made it to the play areas: a group play room, a semi-private playroom, and the private play rooms. We observed and decided to start the party by playing together. Soon after, we were invited by other couples to join them and engaged in swapping situations. It was hot, a positive experience for sure. The rest is history.”
Christine Marie (44, New York City)
“My first experience was a prepandemic party in a private loft. This was a performance-based event where the performers sometimes engaged in sex on stage. I saw Vonka and Lydia of the Bluenettes perform a milk-soaked kitten-[themed] act, which was the wildest, hottest thing I had ever seen in porn or real life. I was in the front row, just a couple of feet from two beautiful writhing bodies engaged in sapphic love and pleasure.
“Since then, I’ve been to several different kinds of parties. There are no typical parties, as they all differ depending on who is throwing them. I only frequent parties [organized] by those who prioritize the safety of everyone involved, [which means] having clear consent standards, agreements, and boundaries and [hiring] guardians for attendees to reach out to as a way to reduce harm. Those are the parties that I often recommend.”
Annie* (early 30s)
“First, to clarify, I am not a member of the swing lifestyle. I am a member of the kink community and a BDSM practitioner. I have never had group sex, nor do I attend swing parties or share partners. I go to BDSM and kink-friendly parties, many of which are sex-positive. I am monogamous when dating and, although I engage in play at parties, it is not always inherently sexual.
“The first event I went to was a BDSM party for 18- to 35-year-olds. There were strict rules: no nudity and no penetrative play. I was really nervous, and my friend left me early on to go play with a friend of theirs, so I mostly spent the night talking to people and getting to know how a party works. There were dungeon monitors to make sure the scenes and people were safe, [as well as] toys you could borrow, a spanking bench, St. Andrew’s cross, several hard points for suspension, and a massage table. I ended up meeting a guy who had never been to a party either and we fooled around a bit in a kind of vanilla way. “
“My first time was at the Hacienda in Brooklyn. Hacienda is a house, so it’s a very social space —- at least, that has been my experience since I go to smaller parties where there is food prepared by a chef, an outdoor space where people talk, and play areas.
“Even though I knew the etiquette and theory — Playing Well With Others was a big help — I was a bit nervous. People told me I was a natural, but I think that’s just because I was very mindful, communicative, and open to new experiences. I had sex with three people separately, [each] on a one-on-one basis and not as a group, and met a ton of sex-positive individuals. It felt like I finally found my people.
“Everyone is nice to each other, everyone takes consent very seriously. I feel extremely safe there. There’s people that don’t play with anyone and just socialize and there’s others having seven-person orgies. You’ll find whatever you want there.”
Sass (29, Canada)
“My first experience was very positive. I went with someone who was very experienced in the kink and swinging community. It was a bit of a shock to see people engaging in various sexual acts all in the open — not in a negative way, [I simply hadn’t] been in that environment before.
“[The party featured] good music, lots of sexy people, and really hot scenes — so hot that I stepped out of my comfort zone to openly masturbate in a less-crowded area, [where a woman then] asked to join me. She also asked me if her husband could watch. I was surprisingly okay with it, considering I’m not really into men.”
Maya,* 28
“I’ve never been to a sex party, but I have been to a number of sex clubs. The first one I ever went to was KitKat in Berlin. I honestly wasn’t shocked by anything happening around me, it was a pretty free and accepting environment. All clubs work differently, but usually they will take your phone or give you a locker [for it] and potentially a place to get towels and things for safe sex. People can be having sex all around you and generally will only engage if you give clear consent.
“I’ve been to a few other clubs of this nature around the world and they have similar vibes. Some are more exclusive than others, some are more queer-focused, but the ethos around it [all] is positivity and enjoyment.”
*Interviews have been edited for length and clarity. Some names have been changed at the request of sources.
When the idea of going to a sex party was first suggested to me, I think I laughed out loud. I imagined such an event would involve hoards of strangers fumbling around naked in a pile in a dark room — something I could barely imagine, let alone consider participating in. At the time, I had just started seeing a therapist who specialized in sex and relationships. I wanted to explore my own sexuality and get more comfortable with my body, but the idea of doing so with or around strangers seemed terrifying.
More recently, something shifted. I talked with friends who were enthusiastic about the excitement and deep connections that sexual exploration at play parties had brought to their lives. They told me about how safe, consent-focused, and welcoming these events were — not to mention fun. I became intensely curious about the experience and started having much deeper and more open conversations about sex with friends and the people I was dating.
“It’s our nature as humans to want to explore aspects of our sexuality,” says Kate DeCoste, a sex and couples therapist at the Love, Sex, and Gender Center in Boulder, CO. “Sexuality is just as natural as breathing.”
Last year, I finally experienced a couple of these parties firsthand, and I’m glad I went. I came away with more confidence and a better vocabulary for discussing what I’m into and what I’m not and for understanding and holding my own boundaries. I’ve talked about the experiences with friends, partners, and my therapist, and I’ve heard a lot of the same questions from everyone — the same questions I had before going, too.
So I asked DeCoste and her colleague Lessey Wentworth, a sex and relationship therapist, to walk me through an expert’s perspective on sex parties. What should you know about going to a sex party if it’s a totally new experience for you? How can you set and hold your boundaries and initiate conversations about consent and expectations? How can you make sure you’re enhancing your relationships — with yourself and/or your partner — rather than adding stress or causing harm?
And, maybe most importantly, how do you even begin to assess whether a sex party is right for you and if now is the right time?
A sex party can be a great place to explore pleasure, DeCoste says, and it can also be a great way to practice setting and communicating desire and boundaries. “I see sex parties, or conscious play parties, as a place to really explore pleasure, fantasy, edges, and boundaries,” she says. “When looking at going to a sex party or a conscious play party, look at it as a practice in sexuality, and an exploration of sexuality, rather than something that is just going to be done.”
Worried it’s weird? Don’t be. Just because you may not know anyone who has told you they’ve been to an event like this doesn’t mean you don’t know anyone who’s gone.
“If everyone is in consent, nothing is weird,” Wentworth says. “The weirdness comes from when people are not in consent or don’t want to be there. It’s totally normal to want to explore sexuality.” In fact, Wentworth highly encourages it. “Please explore sexuality,” she urges. “If this is what calls to you, take the shame off.”
There are a wide variety of sex-positive and sex-focused events that cater to different kinks, fetishes, and sexual orientations, so “what’s it like?” is a bit of a hard question to answer. At one party I went to, the playrooms were separate from a large dance floor. In order to enter a playroom, you had to explain your approach to communication and consent, to make sure everyone stayed safe and comfortable.
While I definitely had moments of feeling a bit overwhelmed or visually overstimulated by everything happening around me, I always felt like I was in control and free to leave.
At a high-end Killing Kittens party I attended with a date, everyone was dressed up in suits, gowns, and masquerade masks. There were hundreds of attendees and three large playrooms where people could have sex or just observe what was going on, and people also engaged in sexual play on the dance floor.
At both events I attended, there were people playing with just one partner and others playing with multiple partners. Some people show up alone or with platonic friends, and others show up with a date. You can go if you’re in a monogamous relationship or if you’re in an open relationship — there’s no expectation to engage with someone you’ve never met.
The people I met were engaging, interesting, and extremely considerate, always checking in with me and those around them to make sure everyone was on the same page.
In conversations with my date and others, everyone did a lot of checking in. We asked, “Is this OK? Would that be OK? Are you OK?” I really appreciated this — and the experience really underscored the idea that consent is sexy. Getting affirmative confirmation that someone is into what you’re doing is really hot, and it can enhance an experience rather than slow it down.
Before I went, I kept hearing stories about how, at kink-focused events, people tend to exhibit better communication skills around sexual consent than the average heteronormative hookup. I was relieved to experience that for myself. While I definitely had moments of feeling a bit overwhelmed or visually overstimulated by everything happening around me, I always felt like I was in control and free to leave. When things felt a bit much, I took a step back and my date and I went to stand by the bar and chat with other people we’d met earlier in the evening.
While both parties I attended served alcohol, you may find it wise to stay sober, especially if you’re intending to play with other people you haven’t met before. Staying sober can help you feel more in control of your decisions and more at ease. “If you’re trying to create [a sense of] safety, absolutely — I think sobriety would be the best way to go,” Wentworth says.
What to Wear to a Sex Party
Usually, there’s a theme or dress code, and as long as you follow the rules, you can dress however you feel the most confident and sexy in your body.
Like me, I met a lot of people who had never attended a sex party before and were simply curious, having found it hard to wrap their head around what goes on at one. To the first party I went to, I wore a short, tight-fitting dress, and I never took it off — I had a lot of fun just chatting with people and seeing how confident everyone looked in their own skin. Some people wore barely there lingerie or fetish gear, and others, like me, could have gotten on public transportation in their outfits without getting a second look. The Killing Kittens party I attended was a New Year’s ball, so I went a little fancier. I wore a long, flowy, but sheer chiffon dress with a pair of wedge sandals — something conservative enough to wear out to dinner in summer. Other people wore dresses and suits that ranged from “smart” to “black tie.” As it got later in the evening, a lot of those dresses started coming off, revealing lacy bras, bustiers, harnesses, and bodysuits.
Whatever you choose to wear, it’s completely fine if you decide to keep your entire outfit on and choose not to engage physically with anyone at all. You always have the option to stop or leave if something doesn’t feel right. Most organized events will have clearly identified staff members you can talk to if you see or hear someone doing something that makes you or someone else uncomfortable or unsafe. You should always speak up in these instances.
How to Talk About Consent and Boundaries With Your Date or Partner
You might have an idea of what you want your evening to look like or how much or how little you want to play with other people. If you’re going to a party with a date, it’s wise to discuss that vision with them before you set off. Maybe you’re comfortable with your date playing with other people, and maybe you’re not — and feeling one way or the other doesn’t mean you’re bad, wrong, or too sensitive. It’s just how you feel. But maybe you think you’re fine with something, and then it turns out you’re not. That’s OK, and it’s important to communicate that, DeCoste says.
“We can only really feel aspects of our boundaries when we are in the space,” DeCoste says. “So we need to look at boundaries as an ongoing conversation, especially when going with someone else.”
She and Wentworth recommend setting up some clear signals with your date ahead of time. This could be a safe word or set of phrases or a system of exploring how you feel — or a combination of all of the above. For example, my date and I talked about a traffic-light system, which we could use to express whether something was a definite yes (green), a hard no (red), or something we were hesitant about and wanted to discuss (yellow).
Wentworth also recommends establishing a nonverbal signal, like a hand sign, to indicate you need to leave or check in with each other. You can also discuss how you and your date express pleasure or hesitation — such as leaning into or away from something or getting louder or quieter. (In a video about consent and boundaries, sexologist Lindsey Doe role plays a conversation about this with sex educator Midori. This is a great place to start for some ideas about expressing what you like and what turns you off.)
How to Know If You’re Ready For a Sex Party
How do you know if you’re ready to go to a sex party? “Well, are we going out of a place of self-love?” DeCoste says. “It’s as simple and complex as that: is this an act of self-love?”
Start by asking yourself two very basic questions: Does the idea of a sex party excite or intrigue you? Do you want to go?
Now, if you’ve got another person in the mix, consider this: how stable is your relationship, and how will this experience further strengthen that bond?
Maybe you’re really into the idea but your partner isn’t, or vice versa. Wentworth cautions couples against introducing play parties into relationships where security or stability is an ongoing challenge. “If you’re not in a secure place in your relationship, it’s probably not the best idea to go,” she says.
Ethical nonmonogamy is probably not going to save a relationship, she adds, and a sex party probably won’t, either. Instead, it’s much better to approach the idea from a place of security and discuss how you think it will add to your relationship or benefit you individually or as partners.
Making sure you’re secure in yourself is key, too.
“Boundaries are so important, and safety is so important,” Wentworth says. “If you’re somebody who tends to steamroll yourself and be out of consent with yourself, and if you’re easily swayed by other people, then a sex party might be a little bit above where you’re at.”
I like this phrase, “being in consent with yourself.” I often find myself trying to people-please and do what I think other people want from me. It can be hard to remember that it’s ultimately an act of love for the people around you to tell them what you need and what you can’t give when it feels hard to say no to something because you’re afraid of disappointing someone. This is as true at a sex party as it is in everyday life: clear and ongoing communication is your best friend.
When in doubt? “Having a therapist is a good idea,” too, Wentworth says.
Chris Deaton and Elisha Thompson have been together over a dozen years and share a home lined with photos of family and friends in the college town of Tempe, Ariz., where they both work at Arizona State University. Both are graduate students and volunteer for causes they’re passionate about.
As they schedule their busy lives, they make sure to keep space available for Thompson’s husband of over 20 years, as she sees him most often for Wednesday lunch and Sunday dinner.
As Thompson’s primary partner in their polyamorous relationship, Deaton isn’t close friends with Thompson’s husband, but they are amicable — making sure to circle each other respectfully so that Thompson can include both men in her life. It’s an untraditional set up, but one that works for them and a growing number of people who are embracing polyamory and other forms of ethical non-monogamy.
What is Ethical Non-Monogamy?
Deaton and Thompson identify as polyamorous, which is a relationship style where participants can engage in multiple romantic or sexual relationships with the consent and knowledge of those involved. What this looks like in day-to-day life varies. It is one of multiple relationship practices under the umbrella term of ethical non-monogamy (ENM).
“So for me, the ‘why’ behind polyamory is that it is possible to love more than one person and relationships don’t all have to look the same.”
“Honestly, for me, polyamory just happened,” Thompson explains about her journey. “I fell in love with someone after I was married. I also still loved my husband, and it did not feel honorable for me to just walk away from that relationship just because it no longer looked like it did when we got married. So for me, the ‘why’ behind polyamory is that it is possible to love more than one person and relationships don’t all have to look the same.”
As a broad term, ENM covers a wide array of open relationship dynamics. The common denominator is consent — all parties involved know and fully consent to the open nature of the relationships. It is estimated that one fifth of the population has participated in an ENM relationship at some point in their lives.
Deaton and Thompson share that their lives have been changed for the better because of their journey into polyamory. Both advocates for education, the two founded their own nonprofit organization called Truly Beloved, which is dedicated to the education and support of a sex positive lifestyle.
Under the Truly Beloved banner they regularly teach classes and facilitate both virtual and in-person discussion groups centered on non-monogamy.
“For most folks, I believe non-monogamy offers an opportunity to live a different lifestyle that aligns more with how their hearts feel rather than what society has said is deemed appropriate,” Deaton says.
Ethical Non-Monogamy Terminology
While ENM is a term that encompasses a wide variety of practices, some forms of ethically non-monogamous relationships include:
Polyamory: Polyamory focuses on maintaining multiple relationships with everyone’s consent and knowledge. Within these relationship styles, there can be:
Solo polyamory: Where someone maintains multiple relationships but not necessarily traditional relationship milestones like living together, joint bank accounts, and others.
Hierarchical polyamory: Where those involved have a hierarchy of primary and secondary partners, and often establish rules to go with the order.
Non-hierarchical polyamory: Where there is no stated order or “main couple.”
Swinging: When an established couple has sex with other couples.
Open Relationships: Where couples are open to other romantic or sexual partners.
Polyfidelity: A group of partners where everyone is equal in the group relationship, and no one establishes relationships outside of the group.
Relationship Anarchy: An approach to relationships that often has few established rules or expectations other than the ones agreed upon by the people in the relationships.
ENM After a Life of Monogamy
For those who are interested in ENM in their later years, Deaton has some words of wisdom. “Ask yourself why and figure out what exactly appeals to you and what you are looking for on this journey,” he says. “Read a few books, ask people that participate some questions. Develop some boundaries related to personal physical and emotional safety — it is nice to have some guardrails when first exploring a new world.”
“Then I always tell people to ask themselves, ‘If you were looking to date, would you date you? If not, why?’ In my experience, most of the work needed by people looking to get into non-monogamy is the deconstructing and removing of past ideals and norms and learning to look at intimate relationships in a new light,” he adds.
Deaton’s go-to book list for those curious about ENM and polyamory include: “Polysecure,” “More Than Two,” “The Four Agreements,” “Emotional Intelligence 2.0,” “The Jealousy Handbook,” “Life on the Swingset”, “Open,” and “Opening Up.”
“Polyamory is hard and requires vulnerability, complete honesty and compromise.”
Susan Wright is the founder of the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF), a national nonprofit organization that advocates for the equal rights for consenting adults who engage in alternative sexual and relationship expressions. She has identified as non-monogamous for decades.
“Local polyamory meetups seem to be the most common way to get access to community events and socials,” she says. “Go slow and start talking about it. You have to be able to talk about it before you can do it. You can start exploring as a team, if that’s more comfortable for you, and make agreements together, like a safe word you can use that is the signal to stop and step away to talk to each other.”
Out of the Shadows, Not Out of the Woods
While ethical non-monogamy is becoming more common, it’s not without its risks.
“Polyamorous people are discriminated against because of their relationships. If it comes out at work, polyamorous people can be harassed or even sexually harassed, and yet the workplace will label the polyamorous person as the distraction when they’re being treated badly,” Wright says. “You can also have child custody issues due to the fact that family courts don’t like it when multiple adults live together in a house with children, even though many multigenerational and extended families live together without being discriminated against.”
She advises that anyone who experiences discrimination due to ethical non-monogamy contact the NCSF for a list of resources to help.
And, of course, entering an ethically non-monogamous relationship can bring up issues that need to be navigated within already established relationships.
“Polyamory is hard and requires vulnerability, complete honesty, and compromise,” Thompson says. “I live with my day-to-day partner [Deaton] and spend time with my husband multiple times a week. That on top of work, writing, and other responsibilities means that I rarely get time alone to just relax and reflect. Having multiple partners means that your time is even more limited. I also often struggle with feeling guilty when I’m not available to do something with one of my partners.”
She continues, “On the other side, I often struggle with jealousy too — just because I have two partners doesn’t mean I’m immune to jealousy. It is all worth it, but it is something that everyone should consider before taking the leap into polyamory.”
Relationships used to be simpler. Traditionally in the United States, the vast majority of people in relationships were monogamous, whereas the few remaining more “adventurous” couples were in open relationships, meaning they slept with additional folks with the consent and knowledge of their partner.
That was it.
Now people aren’t just in open relationships, they’re in polyamorous, swinging, polyfidelitous, and monogamish relationships too. (And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. There are even more types of relationship styles out there.)
Even though the distinctions between these various relationship labels may seem insignificant, they’re necessary to differentiate the important nuances between each type of sexual and romantic connection.
In this explainer, we’ll break down everything you need to know about the main types of relationships that aren’t monogamous as well as tackle which type of relationship may work best for you and your partner(s).
Ethical non-monogamy
Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term for all types of relationships that aren’t monogamous, meaning it includes every single defined term below. The word “ethical” is thrown in to make it abundantly clear that non-monogamy differs from cheating and lying to your partner. In ethically non-monogamous relationships, all partners are aware of the dynamic and consent to their partner(s) either dating or having sex outside of the relationship.
Open relationship
Most simply, an open relationship is one where you can sleep with folks outside of your primary relationship or marriage. People in open relationships typically keep their relationships with others strictly sexual. They’re not trying to date or fall in love with another person—although that sometimes can happen—which can complicate things. There are numerous different types of open relationships, and many folks have various “rules” in place to decrease the likelihood of romance with another person. These rules may prohibit sleeping with the same person more than once, sleeping with friends, sleepovers after sex, and sleeping in the bed the couple share. Whereas some open couples prefer to share the details of their sexual encounters, others have a “don’t-ask-don’t-tell” policy. The important thing to note here is that the primary partnership comes first.
Swinging
Swinging falls under the larger “open” umbrella, but has more specific guidelines. AsGigi Engle, a certified sex coach and educator, tells Prevention.com: “Swinging is when a committed couple engages in sexual activities with others as a form of recreation, such as a swingers party. A couple may also private swing with another couple. It’s an activity a couple does together and is usually considered part of their shared sex life.” The key here is noting that these couples swing together. They aren’t having sex with others independently, and more often than not, are having experiences at a designated swingers event.
Monogamish
Almost a decade ago, relationship and sex columnist Dan Savage coined the word “monogamish” to describe relationships that were, for the most part, monogamous, but allowed for little acts of sexual indiscretion (with the partner’s knowledge). Folks in monogamish relationships don’t often have sex outside the relationship. When they do, it’s usually when one person is out of town for work. The sexual flings with others are, for lack of a better word, meaningless. There’s no emotion involved. I’ve noticed that those in monogamish relationships are much more likely to have a don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy than those in an open relationship, where the primary partners are sleeping with outsiders on a more regular basis.
Polyamorous
Polyamory comes from the Greek “poly” meaning many and Latin “amor” meaning love. Those who are in a polyamorous relationship have an intimate, romantic, and/or sexual relationship with more than one person. What can complicate things are folks who identify as polyamorous, yet are only romantically involved with one person. These people claim the poly label because they want to make it clear that they are open to the idea of loving more than one person at a time—and so too are their partners. They may also be actively dating other individuals, however, at the present moment, they’re currently only in a serious relationship with one person.
Polyamorous is different than polygamy, and as someone who identifies as polyamorous, we don’t like it when people conflate the two terms.
Polyamorous is different than polygamy, and as someone who identifies as polyamorous, I can tell you confidently that we don’t like it when people wrongfully conflate the two terms.
Polygamy is specifically when one man marries multiple women or vice-a-versa. Typically, however, it refers to the former, whereas polyandry would refer to when one woman has multiple husbands. Polygamy is rooted in a toxic patriarchy, where the man exerts his dominance over women, whereas polyamory (when done correctly) is egalitarian. That’s why individuals in polyamorous relationships typically loathe the conflation between the two.
Hierarchical polyamory
A specific subset of polyamory, those in hierarchical poly actually have a ranking system among their relationships. At the top is the person’s primary partner. Usually those practicing hierarchical poly live with that person, share resources, make decisions together, and they’ve been partners for a long period of time. Secondary partners are, well, secondary. They tend to get less time and resources from their partner. Primary partners also may have “veto power” prohibiting their partner from dating or seeing a specific person.
Many polyamorous folks aren’t fans of hierarchical poly because who wants to be considered a second or third priority? In the past, I know I’ve explained to folks that I have a boyfriend, but also date other people, which, in my mind, illustrates the same notion of hierarchical poly without the formality. However, folks who prefer hierarchical poly like the fact that there are clear expectations that come with the hierarchy, which can make the relationship(s) easier. If there’s ever a conflict, everyone knows the main person will side with his or her primary partner. That’s to be expected.
“Having a hierarchical poly relationship may be attractive in all the large parts it entails,” explains Engle. “You have a primary partner—one you can come home to and have a solid, ‘normal’ life with, as well as a secondary partner you can date, love, and have an entirely different kind of relationship with. It also helps to combat jealousy by knowing that if you’re the primary partner, you’re going to be the most important person in their life.”
Polyfidelity
Last but certainly not least is polyfidelity, where you have a romantic and sexual relationship where all members are considered equal partners and agree to limit sexual and romantic activities to only those in the group. People will also simply call this a “closed triad” or “closed quad” depending how many people are in the polyfidelitous relationship.
“People often think if you’re in a triad, you must be open to [dating and sleeping with] everyone, and this simply isn’t the case. It may be in some triads, but certainly not all,” explains Engle.
So, which type of ethically non-monogamous relationship is right for you?
Each ethical non-monogamous relationship style has its strengths and weakness, which is why it’s necessary to discuss with your partner what it is specifically you’re looking to get out of a being romantically and or/sexually involved with others. If you’re looking to spice up your sex life but you feel fulfilled romantically—perhaps swinging or a monogamish relationship would suits you best. If you have so much love to give and want to bring in another person to love and support, perhaps a polyfidelity or another form of polyamory is right for you and your partner(s).
“Since poly relationships are so outside of the ‘normal’ relationship styles we accept as a society, a lot of couples, triads, and individuals are in a position to create their own terms and agreements,” says Engle. “It isn’t like sexual monogamy, wherein two people are expected to default to total emotional and sexual monogamy. There are layers and grey areas in polyamory that are being negotiated between all parties involved.”
With ethical non-monogamy, things can also change over time. What starts as an open relationship can evolve into a polyamorous one. Or, after years of being polyamorous, you and your partner can decide you’d like to go back to being monogamous, or something else entirely. The key is being open about what it is you want and embracing all the beautiful changes that may influence your relationship as both you and your partner(s) grow together over time.
Have you ever been curious about what swinging is and if it might be something that could work for you? Whether you’re interested in trying swinging for yourself or just want to understand more about this form of nonmonogamy, here’s everything you need to know.
What is swinging?
“Swinging is a social practice involving sexual contact between consenting adults, which can involve swapping sexual partners or engaging in group sexual activities—but often is done in the context of a coupled relationship,” explains Lori Lawrenz, PsyD, a clinical psychologist with the Hawaii Center for Sexual and Relationship Health.
Swingers engage in sexual activities outside of their main relationship as a shared bonding experience with their partner. This means that most extra-relational sex that swingers engage in happens where their partner can see and/or join in with it.
Many swingers refer to themselves as being in “the lifestyle,” which essentially means that swinging (and often other behaviors such as kink and BDSM) are an integral part of their sexual identity and inform the way that they organize their lives.
Myths about swinging.
Importantly, swinging is not cheating or an affair, despite what people often might think. Swinging is based on a foundation of consensual nonmonogamy, which means that everyone involved has full knowledge of, and approves of, the sex that occurs outside of the main pair bond.
“Most swinging is not a sexual ‘free-for-all,'” Lawrenz says. “Rather it is an orchestrated manner of like-minded sexually curious individuals engaging in activities as a means of enhancing their relationship.”
There’s a misconception that swingers are people who “are unable to commit, do not know how to create boundaries, or are in troubled relationships,” says AASECT-certified sex therapist Janet Brito, Ph.D., LCSW. Another misconception is that it can help save a dying relationship, adds sexologist Shamyra Howard, LCSW. The truth is, in fact, the opposite.
“Swinging is not prophylactic for troubled relationships. It won’t prevent cheating, and it won’t save a relationship. Swinging is only recommended for couples who feel secure in their relationships,” Howard says.
Swinging vs. open relationships.
Swinging is often confused with having an open relationship, but the two terms are not entirely synonymous.
While all swingers technically have an open relationship (i.e., the permission to have sex with people outside of the relationship), not all people in open relationships are swingers. People in non-swinging open relationships often engage in their extra-sexual relationships without their partner present and sometimes even have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy regarding hookups. In swinging, couples do a lot more sharing of the sexual experiences and sharing stories with each other about any extra experiences, because this is erotic and exciting for people who like to swing. Some swinging couples also may only be “open” to outside sexual partners in specific situations, i.e., when the couple is jointly entering into a specific swinging experience together.
Swinging is also not the same as polyamory, as polyamory involves the creation and maintenance of romantic as well as sexual bonds with multiple people. “Unlike polyamorous individuals, swingers are not actively looking for other people to form romantic relationships with,” says sex therapist Aliyah Moore, Ph.D. “Typically, swingers are only looking to have sex with others with no or limited strings attached.”
Swinging is strictly sexual, and swingers often have minimal contact with and no romantic feelings for the people that they swing with.
What binds together all three concepts, however, is that they are all forms of consensual nonmonogamy and require a great amount of trust, communication, and honesty, says Brito.
Signs you might enjoy swinging:
You fantasize about engaging in sex outside of your partnership.
You get turned on by the idea of seeing your partner have sexual contact with other people.
You’re generally turned on by novelty and adventure.
You and your partner are good at communicating and know how to work through any issues that arise.
You are able to separate love and sex.
You like to watch porn featuring group sex, wife swapping, or voyeurism.
You and your partner trust each other completely.
You and your partner sometimes dirty talk about group sex or partner swapping.
You’ve had group sex in the past and thought it was hot.
You’re generally open-minded and sexually adventurous.
Important things to know before trying it:
1. Get to know the lingo.
Swinging comes with its own vocabulary. For example, one common form of swinging is for two couples to come together and “swap” partners for sex. You can engage in a “soft swap” or a “full swap” when you swing. A soft swap refers to engaging in anything up to oral sex with a person who isn’t your partner, and a full swap refers to intercourse.
It’s also worth knowing that a “unicorn” is a single woman who is open to sex with heterosexual couples (here’s our full guide to threesomes, btw), and that “closed door” refers to being OK with your partner having sex away from your line of sight.
2. Talk about expectations with your partner.
Make sure to have a detailed talk with your partner about what you will and won’t engage in when you swing together. Will you only engage in group sex together? Or will you swap partners with another couple? What are you looking to get out of swinging? Make sure that you both have the same goals and reasons for opening up.
It’s really important that you don’t coerce your partner into going along with what you want, Brito adds. Swinging will only be enjoyable if both parties are enthusiastic and informed.
3. Think about what safer sex precautions you’ll need to take.
It’s essential that you have a conversation beforehand about what forms of protection you’ll use and what level of risk you’re OK with. Using barrier protection methods such as condoms can lower your risk of STIs and pregnancies, but no protection is 100% secure. Therefore, you should discuss what you will do in the event of an unplanned pregnancy or a positive STI test.
4. Plan a check-in.
After your first time swinging, you’re going to have a lot of emotions! Hopefully they’ll all be positive, but it’s very likely that you might feel confused, guilty, or overwhelmed along with all the excitement.
A top tip is to put aside some time for you two as a couple to reconnect and check in with each other after the experience. You can discuss how the experience was for you, what went well, what was challenging, and anything you might like to alter if you try the experience again. Enlisting the help of a sex-positive therapist who specializes in consensual nonmonogamy can also work wonders in this situation.
5. Connect to a network.
Ready to dive in? “You can start off by attending a swinger’s club and watching before interacting,” suggests Howard. Check for local clubs in your area, and be sure to read the guidelines before showing up, she says. Make sure to practice good consent practices and be mindful of other people’s boundaries.
How to bring up the idea with your partner.
Telling your partner that you’re interested in swinging might feel like a little bit of a challenge. After all, the norm of monogamy is very strong, and even people who are turned on and excited by the idea of swinging might have some complicated feelings in the beginning.
To set the best base for a successful conversation, make sure to bring it up at a time when you know your partner will be in a relaxed mood with no pressing tasks to attend to.
“Gently bring up the topic by adopting an open and curious approach. Use ‘I’ statements to show ownership of your desires,” recommends Brito. “Ask questions to learn about your partner’s values, and practice nonjudgment if your partner is not on board. If this happens, agree to table the topic, and circle back at another time.”
In short, make the conversation a true conversation, and not just a statement of what you want. Really listening to what your partner says, and responding to it from a place of love rather than defensiveness, can take you a long way.
Once you have opened up the conversation, you can suggest that the two of you research swinging together. Framing it as a mutual exploration will make your partner feel more secure.
“If you’re the partner who initiates the conversation, make sure you get a clear ‘yes’ from your partner,” Moore adds. “Both partners in the relationship need to be at the same interest level when it comes to swinging before trying it.’
The bottom line.
Swinging, like all forms of consensual nonmonogamy, can bring a wide range of satisfying and exhilarating encounters that can deepen the bond between you and your partner. As long as you and your partner are both on board and in agreement about what swinging means for you, you can look forward to many happy, sweaty nights together!
Monogamy is our society’s default relationship model. Once you find the one, you get engaged. Then you get married. And voilà! You’re with one person for the rest of your life. This might be a comforting happily ever after for some. For others, it can sound and feel like a trap. Good news: There are alternative options for those who feel limited by monogamy, one of which includes open relationships.
As it happens, more than 20% of people in the United States who participated in a 2016 study reported engaging in some form of consensual non-monogamy (CNM). “Open relationships can fall within a broad spectrum that depends on a couple’s needs and their comfort level,” explains dating coach and founder of The Broom List Tennesha Wood. “The term open generally refers to the practice of ethical non-monogamy [ENM] in which couples open their relationship to the possibility of including other people in some way; emotionally, romantically, and/or sexually.”
While open relationships are certainly becoming less taboo and more widely understood in the present day, there are still tons of misconceptions surrounding them. Wood says the most common include:
People in open relationships are confused and don’t know what they want.
These types of arrangements mean one or both parties no longer want to be with the other.
None of the above are accurate. Open relationships don’t have to be purely physical. Commitment issues aren’t always the case, either. There doesn’t have to be confusion to have a more free-wheeling arrangement. And you can want to be with your partner while wanting others, too. So why would a couple choose non-monogamy? And why is it worth it for them to make their open relationship work despite the challenges that can arise?
TZR tapped Wood for her tips on how to navigate open relationships and interviewed individuals on why they choose to be in one and what they do to make it work.
Set Clear Boundaries
“Open relationships should not be entered into casually or without clear boundaries,” Wood says. “Each person should have a clear vision of what they want outside of their primary relationship. From there, they can decide which form of [ENM] best fits their needs.”
Wood lists four popular types of open relationships to choose from:
Monogamish: having occasional strictly sexual encounters with other people
Swinging: having sex with another couple or swapping partners
Polyamory: having multiple sexual and romantic relationships simultaneously
Relationship anarchy: having multiple relationships without a hierarchy; no relationship is “primary” and everyone is considered equal in terms of priority
She recommends couples discuss individual and shared boundaries by asking each other the questions like: How much do you want to know about who your partner is involved with sexually or romantically? Do you want to be there or participate in your partner’s sexual activities? Are there sexual acts that are off-limits?
“No matter where on the spectrum couples decide to land, open relationships will involve trial, error, and flexibility,” she says. “Open relationships can change and evolve and it’s important that couples openly communicate at every stage of the process and allow room for change.”
Prioritize Open Communication
Before opening up your relationship, Wood suggests ensuring your reasons and goals align. “For couples who have a healthy partnership, allowing others in can foster exploration, honesty, and communication,” she says. “Opening a relationship that has existing trust or communication issues will not solve those issues. In fact, it makes them worse.”
“I’m in an open relationship because, in my current partnership, this translates to radical honesty with ourselves and each other,” says Dez*, 26. “The sexy and difficult conversations strengthen my relationship and bond with my partner in a really intense way that wouldn’t manifest otherwise, and that’s why I prefer the ‘open’ paradigm we’ve created.”
For Gina*, 29, sharing feelings and needs is key within her open partnership (where she’s the only one who actively engages in non-monogamy). “Since I grew up religious, I always told my husband I wanted to know how it felt to be with someone else. I’d [spend] late nights talking about it and he wasn’t bothered or scared,” she recalls. He eventually told her he’d give her a hall pass, especially because having another partner could help to relieve her anxiety while he’s out of state for work for days. “He’d see that when he was gone days at a time, I’d have another partner and that’d help me a lot to be calm [before] he’d come back home.” She’s been with other people ever since.
While Gina’s husband is not choosing to engage in other relationships for himself, the two have figured out how to make the open dynamic benefit them both. “[Opening our marriage] strengthens us because we have no secrets and there’s no fear of cheating. I’ve always had a bad temper and when he allowed me to continue outside marriage relationship(s), it has made me be more patient. I’d get angry for very small things and now I think, ‘If he can allow me to have another partner and be so mature about it, why do I get upset about little things?’”
Remember That Jealousy Can Be A Factor
Don’t be fooled: Jealousy still exists in open relationships. And it takes a ton of self-awareness and openness to process it in a healthy way together in order to keep things from going awry.
“I’m lucky to have an extremely patient partner who’s willing to be really gentle and caring with me when jealousy and insecurity arise in me,” adds Dez, who feels prone to jealousy due to tumultuous past relationships. “He’s more able to hold jealousy as an emotion equal to any other emotion, and alchemize the feeling into something more sensual, rather than an ugly thing to be feared. This is something I admire in him and that I strive toward, because being controlled by an emotion, for me, feels like being in prison, and the door’s wide open,” she explains. “I want to be free! And I can, just by choosing not to cling to jealousy.”
Set Rules That Honor Your Needs
Some partners want to know every detail about every date. Others have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.
Aaliyah*, 24, has a sugar arrangement and additional casual partners outside of it. “[My sugar daddy and I] originally had an open [relationship] where we talked about our other partners, and this made him too jealous, so he didn’t want to talk [about them] anymore,” she says, noting that she personally loves hearing about his experiences.
As for Gina, what she “can and can’t” do changes with each partner outside of her marriage, but it’s always discussed and agreed upon with her husband. Some of the rules within her partnership over the last few years include:
Share your body but not your love.
Call when you arrive at a date.
Her husband has to be on board with each relationship.
Each new partner has to know and accept the fact that she has a husband and he is aware of the arrangement.
Make sure you feel safe, and call ASAP if not.
Breaking Free From Societal Norms
“What I like most about being in an open relationship is saying ‘f*ck you’ to the deeply entrenched religious institutions and misogynistic ideals I was born into,” says Nikki*, 28. “These institutions say that I’m fulfilled as a woman only when I enter marriage, that I must remain subservient and docile, that I must feel ashamed of any sexual encounter that lies outside of reproduction. These institutions (heteronormatively) tell me to hate other women who threaten my bond with my partner.”
For her, non-monogamy destroys those rules and offers space to get curious and explore ideas that make the most sense to her and her partner. “Being in an open relationship, for me, is about exploration, playfulness, and the diminishing of fear of the dark, messy feelings,” she says. “I’m aware of the journey ahead — to unravel many years of programming/conditioning that I didn’t have a say in and I’m ready for this hard work, for this opportunity to set fire to the shame that was never mine to carry.”
Embrace A World Of Endless Opportunity
Aaliyah personally enjoys having the freedom to explore her feelings to the fullest: “I don’t have to worry about if it’s OK or not. It should be OK!”
“If somebody gets jealous, we’ll generally talk about the value of the relationship,” she says. “If they’re OK with just not talking about it and keeping it under the table, that usually works. If not, it’s just not compatible.” It’s up to you and your partner(s) to decide which dynamics and rules work best for you. Openly communicating about your wants and needs will help you get there.
She also loves being able to experience other people’s worlds and lives. “I believe relationships are something to be explored and enjoyed, and they’re one of the most exciting parts of life,” she says. “I don’t believe in only one person forever. Yes to a life partner, but no to a one and only. It allows me to experience things outside of my normal realms of possibilities.”
Ultimately, it’s up to you and your partner to decide which rules work best for your relationship. Each partnership is different. But if these stories teach anything, it’s that open relationships are worth the effort if maximum freedom, pleasure, joy, and opportunities are your priorities.
Ethical non-monogamy, also known as consensual non-monogamy, is a relationship style that’s been in the spotlight lately. There are many ways to practice ethical nonmonogamy. For some, that might look like polyamory, open relationships, or casual dating.
Ethical non-monogamy involves sexual and/or romantic relationships between multiple people. The “ethical” distinguishes it from infidelity or coerced relationships. Ethical non-monogamy emphasizes that everybody’s informed consent is needed. In other words, all partners know about one another and consent to it.
Anybody who wants to practice ethical non-monogamy can do so. Still, before you take the plunge, it’s a good idea to learn about it. There’s a lot of terminologies that you might not be aware of, and there are so many things to consider before committing to this relationship style.
Have you ever fallen in love with multiple people at the same time? Or have you ever felt attracted to another person while you were in a relationship?
Many of us have. In that situation, we might feel as if we’re doing something wrong. Many people think that this means they have a disorder, or that they’re bound to be unfaithful to their partners.
Although this experience may feel confusing, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Ethical non-monogamy leans into our ability to be attracted to multiple people at once. It’s about embracing that and navigating it in a respectful, healthy way.
It is possible to have a healthy relationship that is not monogamous. One study found similar levels of relationship satisfaction between monogamous people and ethically nonmonogamous people.
Infidelity, or what many experts refer to as “breaking a relationship agreement,” involves deception and/or betrayal. With ethical non-monogamy, all partners are aware of one another and consent to the relationship.
That’s not to say that infidelity can’t happen in an ethically non-monogamous relationship. Sometimes, people in these relationships overstep boundaries and betray or deceive their partners. This might be considered infidelity.
Not exactly. Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term, and polyamory is just one way to practice it.
Polyamory is having intimate relationships with multiple people at the same time. In other words, you can have more than one romantic partner at the same time.
Polyamory is a form of ethical nonmonogamy — but it’s not the only form.
Other than polyamory, there are a few ways to practice ethical non-monogamy, including:
It can also include relationship anarchy, although many people consider this a philosophy or a political approach as opposed to a relationship style.
Relationship anarchy challenges assumptions around relationships and the idea that one relationship (like a married relationship) is more important than other relationships (like friendships). Relationship anarchy might include having multiple intimate partners.
It’s worth noting that, for any of the above relationship styles to be considered “ethical non-monogamy,” it needs to be entirely consensual. If a partner feels coerced into swinging or if someone is forced into polygamy, that wouldn’t fit the definition of ethical non-monogamy.
Ethical non-monogamy can look different to different people. What might work for one relationship might not work for another.
In every relationship style, it’s crucial that all partners discuss their expectations and boundaries. These boundaries will differ from one relationship to the next.
For example, one partner might not want their partner/s to have sex with others without telling them beforehand. Another example is that someone might not want their partner/s to date their close friends.
Time management is a big component of ethical non-monogamy. How much time will you set aside for each partner? How will you ensure that you can spend quality time with every partner? Figuring this out beforehand is helpful, as it ensures that you have enough time and energy for everyone.
If a sexual component is involved in one or more of the relationships, it’s important to discuss ways to ensure sex practices take the health of everyone involved into account. This may include using condoms or another barrier method and frequently getting tested for sexually transmitted infections (STIs).
Lastly, communication is very important in every relationship. In ethical non-monogamy, it’s important to talk about your feelings about your relationships with your partners and their partners.
There are so many misconceptions about non-monogamous relationships. Here are a few:
Myth 1: Non-monogamous people don’t get jealous
Some polyamorous people don’t feel jealous, and others do. What matters is how you handle jealousy. In some cases, jealousy might actually be a sign that you need more attention and affection from your partner, in which case, that can be solved without becoming monogamous.
Myth 2: It’s all about sex
Some people who do ethical non-monogamy might not have sex at all. Some people might choose to have sex with only one person. Others may enjoy sex with multiple people or group sex. Every person who engages in non-monogamy is different.
And on that note, sex in ethically non-monogamous relationships doesn’t necessarily carry a greater risk to your health. One study showed that people who practice ethical non-monogamy are more likely to practice sex with a condom or other barrier method than those who are unfaithful in monogamous relationships.
Myth 3: Everything goes
As mentioned, every relationship is different. Boundaries differ from one relationship to the next, so what might be OK in one relationship might not be OK in the next. It’s up to each partner to communicate their desires and limits — and those limits should be respected.
Myth 4: Ethical non-monogamy is unsustainable
Many couples and polycules (that is, a group of polyamorous partners) practice ethical non-monogamy for years. Non-monogamous relationships can last a long time if that’s what all parties want.
In fact, some research indicates that there’s no difference in relationship quality and psychological well-being between consensual non-monogamous and monogamous partnerships. This means partners in both forms of relationships report similar levels of satisfaction, happiness, sexual frequency, and relationship longevity.
Myth 5: Ethical non-monogamy is always better than monogamy
Ethical non-monogamy suits some people. Monogamy suits others. Many people feel polyflexible, which means they can be happy with either relationship style. What works for the individual is unique to the individual.
Plus, infidelity, abuse, and coercion can happen in any relationship, no matter whether it’s non-monogamous or monogamous. Ethical non-monogamy can be great, but people in these relationships aren’t necessarily protected from harm.
This depends on your situation. Everybody “starts” ethical non-monogamy in a different way.
Sometimes, a couple opens their relationship to others. Sometimes, people meet other non-monogamous people and form a throuple. Others join couples in a committed or casual way.
If you’re already partnered, it’s a good idea to talk with your partner about your feelings. Discuss why you’d like to try ethical non-monogamy, and emphasize that it’s not that they’re “not enough” for you. Commit to learning more about it as a couple.
Consider connecting with other non-monogamous people without the expectation of sex or relationships. This is a good way to process your feelings, learn more about ethical non-monogamy, and form friendships with non-judgmental people. Apps and dating sites are a great place to start.
Ethical non-monogamy can become complex because there are so many ways to practice it. For this reason, it’s a good idea to continually learn more about it. New terms and concepts are constantly being developed to help people describe relationship styles more accurately, so it’s important to be open to learning those new ideas.
Ethical non-monogamy emphasizes that all partners involved consent to the practice. Whether you’re practicing polyamory, casual dating, or open relationships, it’s important to ensure everyone knows about one another and wants to be a part of the relationship style.
There are so many things to learn about ethical non-monogamy. It can’t all be covered in just one article. There are many great resources for learning about this topic.
You can also join online forums. Websites like PolyInfo.org and Loving More can be helpful as well.
Ethical non-monogamy can be a wonderful relationship style for many people. As in all relationships, it’s essential to prioritize communication, mutual respect, and setting clear boundaries.
From experimenting with different sex positions to bringing accessories into the bedroom, there are a plethora of steamy ways to take your sex life to the next level. But more and more couples are flirting with the idea of non-monogamy as a way to find fulfillment. In fact, in a 2020 YouGov poll of more than 1,300 U.S. adults, about one-third (32%) said that their ideal relationship is non-monogamous to some degree.
“Some form of a non-monogamous relationship dynamic might be for you if the idea of being intimate with more than one partner excites you,” says Amy Baldwin, sex educator, sex and relationship coach, and co-host of the Shameless Sex Podcast. “Some folks choose it to spice up their current partnership with newness and aliveness while others may do so to remedy sexual or emotional needs that are not being met in their current relationship.”
It bears noting that ethical non-monogamy can take a variety of forms — one of which is swinging, also referred to as being in “the lifestyle,” a sexual practice that involves engaging in sexual activities with another couple and single people. Here, how this particular type of consensual non-monogamy works and best practices for getting started.
The Basics on Being in “The Lifestyle”
Baldwin explains that a swinger, or someone in “the lifestyle,” is typically:
Married and/or heterosexual.
In a committed relationship.
Open to engaging in sexual activity with other people.
Aiming to have a shared experience with their partner.
That said, people in the lifestyle can be solo as well, says intimacy expert Susan Bratton. And they often gather at public or private parties (which used to be called “key parties”) that are hosted in rental homes, resorts, or even cruise ships (most of which were put on hold over the past year due to COVID).
“Most parties allow couples and single women — known fondly as ‘unicorns’ — but severely throttle the number of single men who can attend because otherwise the ratio would fall too much toward a bunch of horny guys,” she notes.
You can usually find lifestyle parties with a simple Google search, but the most important aspect of involvement is being invited in, showing up, and getting invited back over time to establish yourself as a trustworthy and valuable addition to the group, explains Bratton.
What Swinging Involves In Practice
While swinging, partners might engage in “same room” sex, which refers to all activities taking place in the same room, so partners can see each other enjoying themselves, explains Sarah Melancon, Ph.D., a clinical sexologist and sexuality and relationships expert for SexToyCollective.com, who adds that this may also provide a sense of security for some. But sharing the experience doesn’t necessarily mean sharing the same space. Swingers might also participate in “separate room” sex, which is exactly what it sounds like.
Although partners might go their separate ways, says Baldwin, the underlying intention is generally a feeling of shared turn-on or aliveness that somehow fuels more fire into the partnership.
There are also several levels of partner swapping that swingers will engage in, according to Melancon:
A “soft swap”: Involves sexual activities up to and including oral sex.
A “full swap” or “hard swap”: Involves most sexual activities, including intercourse (vaginal or anal, depending on preferences).
“Some couples like to start with soft swaps to get their feet wet, so to speak, while for others they simply prefer to reserve intercourse for their romantic relationship,” explains Melancon, who adds that the level at which a couple is willing to swap could be related to either preference or health concerns, like STI transmission and pregnancy risk.
The Difference Between Swinging vs. an Open Relationship vs. Polyamory
While it might sound counterintuitive, couples who engage in swinging don’t necessarily define their relationship as “open.” Think of “open relationship” as a bit of an umbrella term, suggests Baldwin. “It can encompass everything from purely sexual no-strings-attached experiences with multiple people to dating and/or deeper connections,” she notes. And open relationships are more about satisfying each person’s unique needs, while swinging is a “team effort.”
A third form of consensual non-monogamy: Polyamory, which is different from swinging and open relationships in that it focuses on the building of relationships with other people outside of your primary partnership, says Baldwin. “It is less casual and more about love or connection, often resulting in multiple loving relationships, and even multiple committed partners,” she says.
How to Know if Swinging Is Right for You
If you’re unclear on which type of non-monogamy appeals the most, reflect on whether you’re craving a shared experience with your partner, you might want to try swinging.
But if you want to exercise your own sexual freedom or autonomy outside of your current relationship, you might be more interested in an open relationship. And if you want to connect with and even love multiple people, polyamory could be your best bet, says Baldwin.
How to Start Swinging
Consider taking the following steps to dip your toe into the lifestyle.
1. Talk to your partner.
Once you’ve concluded that swinging is the form of non-monogamy that would work best for you, broach the conversation with your partner. “If they are a ‘maybe’ or a ‘yes,’ be sure to spend plenty of time learning more about how to navigate non-monogamy, as well as having plenty of clear conversations about feelings, boundaries, and needs,” suggests Baldwin.
And note that getting a “yes” from your partner is crucial. “Both partners should have a similar interest level before trying swinging,” says Melancon. “If one partner is unsure or is doing it just to make their partner happy, it is more likely to cause emotional pain and possible breakup than sexual excitement and pleasure.” Feeling pressured by your partner to engage in swinging is also a “big red flag,” she points out.
2. The more communication, the better.
Prepare yourself for communicating more than you did when you were monogamous. “Things become a bit more complex when we allow more people into our intimate, energetic space,” says Baldwin.
For example, you’ll want to discuss rules of the road. Talk about the level — soft, full, or hard — you’re OK with. “It is essential to be comfortable discussing boundaries (i.e., ‘I am comfortable with you performing oral sex but not having intercourse’) and preferences (i.e., ‘I would find it really hot to watch you have sex with another woman’) with your partner,” says Melancon.
And make sure to go over safe sex practices (condoms, dental dams, and birth control) related to STI and pregnancy risk, says Melancon, who adds that regular STI testing is recommended for anyone engaging in sex with multiple partners.
3. Take small steps.
Baldwin suggests starting out with “smaller, more tame experiences” — perhaps a soft swap involving just foreplay or making out, to start — and then check in after each to tend to any challenging emotions that come up. Through each experience, you’ll get a better sense of what feels the most satisfying and enlivening for both you and your partner(s).
Are you thinking of opening up your relationship to consensual non-monogamy?
Before you do that, it’s important to look at the myths surrounding relationships and why you might want to consider an open relationship.
A 2017 study by Haupert and colleagues reported more than 20 percent of the U.S. population has engaged in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lives.
As a sex therapist who works with such couples and individuals practicing consensual non-monogamy and open relationships, I’m guessing that 20 percent may be a low estimate today.
In the Ethical Slut by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton, the authors debunk several myths about relationships and non-consensual monogamy.
So, if you’re considering non-consensual monogamy, here are 5 myths about relationships that you need to know about.
1. The only “real” relationships are those that are monogamous.
But, as my sex therapy supervisor once said, “If monogamy is the gold standard in relationships, what’s the divorce rate again?”
Sometimes, we have an unrealistic view that we will lose interest in all others just because we’re married.
How’s that working out for you?
2. Loving someone means it’s OK to control their behavior.
We know we can’t control anyone but ourselves in reality.
Again as evidenced by the divorce rate and the number of infidelities that occur in monogamous relationships, it’s unrealistic to think that we can prevent our spouse from having sex with someone else if they want to.
3. Jealousy is an insurmountable issue in an open relationship.
The interesting thing here is that it assumes being in a monogamous relationship will protect you from envy.
In monogamous relationships, people go to great lengths to hide their affairs and dalliances when having agreements.
4. Having other partners for sex reduces intimacy in your primary relationship.
With agreements in place and open and honest conversation, you may find that having other partners rekindles new relationship energy that overflows into your primary relationship.
5. Sexual desire is a destructive force or the only proper way to have sex is within a committed relationship.
These sex-negative ideas are throwbacks to the beginning of patriarchal and puritanical religions that warn that women’s sexuality will lure men to their doom. (Think: the Garden of Eden mythology.)
In truth, what could be more creative than sexual desire, which we use to create new human beings, art, literature, music, and so much more? So much of our creativity resides in the sacral chakra — our sexual center.
Still, maybe your partner doesn’t like some of the bedroom activities you enjoy. Or perhaps you have mismatched sexual desire, one of the most common problems I see in couples therapy.
Maybe you have an interest or hobby your partner doesn’t share.
It’s difficult for one person to check all our boxes.
No one person be everything to us and meet all our needs. An open relationship creates room for those needs to be satisfied.
The way I see it is through a lens of abundance. Life is short and there’s plenty of love available if you’re open to that.
As a therapist, I can tell you I have seen open relationships that work and don’t work — just like monogamous relationships!
More often, a woman shows up in individual therapy with me, freaked out because her husband or partner wants to open the relationship. We explore what’s real, what’s going on in their relationship, and how she feels about dating.
She reads and researches, learning everything she can about how open relationships work, and often ends up with a fuller and richer life.
Sex parties are events where people are allowed to participate in sexual activity with others, often in view of the other attendees. Sometimes called ‘play’ parties, they’re a way for people to explore their sexuality and meet like-minded people who share the same kinks and fetishes.
We asked Georgia Di Mattos, co-founder of home testing sexual health app iPlaySafe, to discuss the benefits, misconceptions and etiquette at sex parties – and share advice about how to pick the right event for you:
How to find sex parties
Despite the sense of mystery that surrounds them, finding sex parties to attend isn’t all that difficult in today’s digital day and age. The adult lifestyle is expanding, and the adult partying scene is growing fast, says Di Mattos.
‘From secret dungeons to splendid multi-million pound townhouses accompanied by oysters and champagne on arrival, to funky, sexy venues, spas, or even casual settings – the idea of what to expect of a sex party is changing rapidly,’ she says.
What happens at sex parties?
How long they last depends on the party. Some parties may be held in country houses and last for the weekend; others are on cruise ships and may last a week or two.
‘Touching someone at a sex party without their consent can get you thrown out and barred from coming back.’
‘Typically they last for one night – as per any usual nightclub party – and are laid out pretty much like any nightclub,’ says Di Mattos. ‘There is a bar, a DJ area and a dance floor. The difference is that you will see a few designated areas famously called ‘playrooms’ where people can have sex.’
However, people are not free to have sex with anyone they want. ‘Touching someone at a sex party without their consent can get you thrown out and barred from coming back,’ she says.
Sex party general rules
There are a few things to be aware of when attending sex parties for the first time:
Most parties welcome couples and single women, but not single men.
There are different rules and requirements around alcohol – on some occasions you are asked to bring your own.
Parties have various rules in place to make sure everyone feels safe and respected, so make sure you read these before attending.
Before you go, check the party website for the dress code. ‘For events without specific dress codes, a cocktail dress with lingerie underneath is a safe bet for women and something you would wear to a normal night club for men,’ says Di Mattos.No matter whether you’re planning to go on your own, with friends or team up with your partner, ask for permission before touching anyone. ‘Don’t assume that a lack of response means yes, and don’t join other people’s hook-ups unless you’ve been invited,’ she adds.And don’t take selfies or photo souvenirs. ‘Clubs normally have very strict rules about taking photographs or videos and if you are caught doing it you will probably be asked to leave and may be permanently banned from that club,’ Di Mattos adds.
Sex party myths and misconceptions
There are plenty of misconceptions about sex parties, some of which may put people off or give unrealistic expectations about what to expect. Here are some of the most common:
You have to be naked
The reality: ‘Going to a sex party doesn’t mean that you must get naked,’ says Di Mattos. ‘You don’t and it’s not obligatory. You often see fully dressed people hanging around and talking to a fully or half-naked couple. No one will make you feel awkward if you decide to keep your clothes on.’
Everyone looks like a model
The reality: ‘If you go to your first party thinking all sex parties are like the movie Eyes Wide Shut, you will be frustrated and disappointed,’ says Di Mattos. ‘Even though they are normally set in a very sexy location and the ambience is charged with a lot of sexual energy, the people who attend sex parties are normal people with all body types and shapes.’
You will definitely have sex
The reality: ‘Another big misconception is that if you go to a sex party you will definitely have sex,’ says Di Mattos. ‘No one is entitled to sex, not even at a sex party, and paying to enter is not a guarantee that you will have sex.’
You’ll get an STD
‘Another common misconception is that people who attend sex parties or indulge in group sex are reckless and open to risky behaviour, however, it is usually quite the opposite,’ says Di Mattos. ‘Sexual health status can be openly discussed beforehand and the iPlaySafe App is making that conversation easier than ever.’
Sex party benefits
There are countless reasons why people might choose to go to sex parties. ‘The hedonistic environment is a big draw for many, what better escapism from everyday life?’ asks Di Mattos. ‘Those who attend come away with a new perspective and an open mind.’
To explore a side of their personality they don’t usually show to people.
To seek new and exciting experiences.
To spice up a relationship, if in a couple.
To watch strangers have sex, or their partner have sex with someone else.
To have sex with multiple partners in one setting.
Whatever the reason you choose to go, always be conscious about safety and safe sex. ‘Be as careful as you can be when it comes to your sexual health, and always associate with partygoers who feel the same way,’ says Di Mattos.
What to consider when choosing a sex party
If you’re new to sex parties, some clubs offer events for beginners. ‘These are not full on sex party events, but more like a taste of what they could be,’ says Di Mattos. ‘There’s no sex or nudity and they’re a great place to gather with like-minded people. These types of parties are a great option if you are thinking of attending your first party but not yet fully committed to doing so.’
Once you feel ready, figure out which event you’d like to attend. Just like any other party, sex parties can range from boring to unforgettable, says Di Mattos. ‘I’d suggest joining a sex party chat group,’ she says. ‘There are quite a few out there and they’re a great way to meet people with common interests and to see posts about events that might interest you.’
Be sure to familiarise yourself with the application process. ‘Do your research beforehand, says Di Mattos. ‘Depending on the party, it can be as simple as signing a form at the entrance, or as detailed as having an application process with photos and a copy of your passport.’
Be clear on your boundaries before you go – and agree on the boundaries with your partner, if they’re attending
You also need to be clear on your boundaries before you go – and agree on the boundaries with your partner, if they’re attending. And as tempting as it might be, give the bar a wide berth. ‘If it’s your first time you will probably be nervous and will want to drink to take the edge off,’ she says. ‘But don’t get drunk. It’s very important to be in control in order to give people consent.’
If you do decide to join in on the fun, remember to practice safe sex. ‘The majority of sex parties provide safe sex supplies, but come prepared with your own,’ Di Mattos adds. ‘And most importantly be up to date with your sexual health status. If you engage in sex parties it is important to get tested for STIs at least twice a year, so you have the peace of mind to play with confidence.’
So, treat the queer, queer-adjacent or curious bookworm in your life to one of these books by trans, including non-binary, authors.
Juno Roche – Trans Power
Juno’s last book, Queer Sex, was a landmark exploration into queer and trans people’s sexuality. A series of intimate interviews that delved into, well, intimacy in the trans community, and how gender identity and sexuality feed into our experiences of that.
For their latest book, Trans Power, Juno used a similar technique – a series of warm, nuanced conversations between them and other people in the trans community. Some of these were conversations with our most prominent thinkers and activists – like Travis Alabanza and Amrou Al-Kadhi – and all of them contained revelations about how gender is constructed, layers of identity and being trans.
Juno’s also breathtakingly honest about their own feelings towards their gender, an insight that is rare in an era of hot-takes and carefully crafted narratives about ‘the trans experience’.
Dr Meg-John Barker – Gender: A Graphic Guide
Author of too many books on gender, relationships and sex to name, Meg-John’s latest is a very accessible and beautifully illustrated guide to gender.
It’s perfect both for family members in need of a little education and queers wanting to learn more about how our current conversation on trans issues fits into a wider context. Written from a staunchly feminist, anti-racist and intersectional perspective, Meg-John goes deep into gender non-conformity and trans history, without assuming the reader has prior knowledge of any of those things – truly a gift.
Buy it online here or head to your local bookshop.
Glamrou – Unicorn: The Memoir of a Muslim Drag Queen
A mandatory read for anyone on the queer and/or gender spectrum who’s had a less-than-perfect coming out.
Amrou tells all our queer stories of self-acceptance and learning to celebrate every part of ourselves in some of the most heart-breaking and heart-warming pages of the year. Readers will be finding immense affinity with Unicorn and thanking Amrou for sharing their story for many years to come. – Charlie Leslau
Non-binary, Muslim drag queen Amrou Al-Kadhi sees queerness as a part of their faith.
Andrea Long Chu – Females
Short, unconventional debut book/essay/investigation from a New York Times-published writer on what it is to be female.
Chu spends this essay trying to defend the statement that “everyone is female, and everyone hates it”. She draws guidance and inspiration from the SCUM Manifesto (1967) and its author, Valerie Solanas – the radical feminist best known for shooting Andy Warhol.
In a similar style, Females is also an uncompromising and at times intense read, but rewarding.
Buy it online here or head to your local bookshop.
Samantha Allen – Real Queer America
If you buy one book on this list – and you made it this far – make it this one. We hear so much about homophobia and transphobia in the States, but that masks a truer (and better!) story about queer resistance in small towns and cities, away from the national media.
Samantha is a trans journalist, and Real Queer America weaves her own personal story of coming out, finding love and creating family with the stories of other trans people who she meets.
In a road trip across the country, she talks to activists, old friends, legislators and – most compellingly – with young trans people who are staying put in the places they were born, rather than moving to the nearest big city when they turn 18.
This book is a way of getting outside the bubble, for city queers, and it’s a non-patronising lesson in hope and resilience for all.
If you’ve never been in a non-monogamous relationship or aren’t close to someone who is, chances are the words “open relationship” or “polyamory” conjure up the same images of people who have sex with multiple partners.
In reality, consensually non-monogamous relationships can take on many different forms, and some don’t even involve sex. The three main types are polyamory, open relationships, and swinging.
“All of these variations of consensual non-monogamy are valid,” Amy Moors, a researcher at Chapman University who studies consensual non-monogamy, told Insider.
They’re also not all the same, even though they’re often mixed up or used interchangeably. Knowing the difference is important to help destigamtize the arrangements, which some people may assume just involve sleeping around when they’re really about making choices that that enhance people’s sexual and romantic lives.
The differences are especially important to understand if you’re considering such an arrangement yourself. After all, how awkward would it be if you think you’re getting no-strings-attached sex but the other party wants an emotional relationship only?
Here’s what sets polyamory, open relationships, and swinging apart.
Polyamory involves having multiple romantic relationships
Since consensual non-monogamy defies the idea that one type of relationship works best for everyone, these terms may hold different meaning to different people. Generally speaking though, people in polyamorous relationships have multiple romantic partners they date and their connection goes beyond the physical. Quite literally, polyamory means “multiple loves.”
Actress Bella Thorne, for example, shared that she previously dated YouTube star Tana Mongeau and rapper Mod Sun at the same time.
According to Moors, polyamorous people could have a primary partner they live with or have kids with, as well as other secondary partners with whom they share an emotional connection, go on dates, and have sex.
Other polyamorous people might not have a primary partner though and try to more equally share the time they spend with their two, three, or however many partners they have.
In other cases, polyamory could mean a person and their two or more partners all date each other, but that isn’t always the case.
Open relationships tend to be more about sexual relationships
In some cases, a monogamous couple may choose to “open” their relationship after being sexually exclusive for some time.
When it comes to open relationships, people in them tend to explore sex with others outside of their relationship but reserve emotional and romantic connections for their primary partner.
“Open relationships are more likely to have a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ rule,” than polyamorous relationships, Terri Conley, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Michigan who focuses on sexual behavior and socialization, told Refinery29.
Swinging also involves sex outside of your primary relationship
Swinging, like an open relationship, involves partners having physical intimacy with someone who isn’t their spouse or primary partner, but often includes the primary partner too.
Other times, swinging looks like swapping spouses with another couple for a sexual experience outside of your primary relationship.
Moors said these arrangements can be referred to as “monogamish” because “while the couple may be having threesomes, they really still like that title of monogamy.”
All of these arrangements are fine ways to explore consensual non-monogamy, so long as they involve constant and honest communication among all of the people involved in the arrangement, Moors said.
Whether monogamous, monogamish, or non-monogamous, “people can have very healthy and fulfilling relationships and it’s likely a byproduct of the fact that they’ve agreed on the terms of their relationship and what’s making them happy, whether it’s to remain exclusive or non-exclusive,” Moors said.
You must be logged in to post a comment.