Category Archives: Sexual Frustration

A Labor Of (self) Love

Our brief summer holiday is coming rapidly to an end. The Dr Dick Review Crew is straggling back home and our podcasts will resume on Wednesday, 09/05/12. But today is Labor Day and I think we should acknowledge those who labor at self-love.

Name: Amy
Gender: female
Age: 23
Location: salt lake city
I have this weird thing that when I masturbate with a vibrator I can’t seem to bring myself to an orgasm. It feels really good and everything, but I get almost there but can’t quite cum. Does that make sense? It’s been awhile since I had a guy…but I digress. I was just wondering if you have any advice, or if I’m doing it wrong, or…I just need some help. Thanks a lot.

Hold on there, darlin’, are you tellin me you can jill-off just fine using your hand, but when you kick start your vibrator and apply it to your naughty bits you can’t cum? Is that what you’re tellin’ the good doctor? Or maybe I’m assuming things I shouldn’t. Maybe you’re not masturbating to orgasm at all, by hand or by gadget.

Since you’re not here to fill me in, so to speak, the best way to handle this is with a scatter gun approach. If you’re unable to jill-off to completion by any means, manual or mechanical, you may be preorgasmic. I’ve written a lot about this already, so there’s no need for me to repeat myself. Here’s what you do; check the CATEGORY pull down menu in the sidebar to your right.  Look for the main category — Sex therapy and under that look for the subcategory ‘Preorgasmic Women‘. Or check out the main category — Sexual Performance and look for the subcategory ‘Female Masturbation‘. You’ll find loads of swell information about this very topic.

If, perchance, you can masturbate just fine using your hand, but the rub (no pun intended) comes when you introduce a vibrator, then that’s a horse of a different color. In that instance, I’ll need more information before I can be of much help. Like, I’d want to know what kind of vibe are you using? Is it an all purpose wand type? A dildo kinda thingy that you insert in your pussy? Is it a rabbit, a G-spot vibe, a bullet or an egg-shaped vibrator? Are you doing any direct clitoral stimulation?

If you can make yourself cum through manual stimulation, how different a sensation is the vibrator? Is it possible that you need more vroom? Is it too intense?

What about other stimulus? Like what’s going on between your ears while you’re diddlin’ yourself? Are you thinking dirty thoughts? Watching some delicious smut? Reading some kick-ass erotica? Or are you concentrating so much on making the big “O” happen to actually let it happen? Chicks get performance anxiety too, even when they are by themselves. Performance anxiety is not just a guy thing.

I discussed your question with my friend, Joy. She asked me to ask you about the position you are in when you’re jillin-off. She said she had the damnedest time throwing herself her first screamin’ meme, even with a vibrator until she discovered that getting into a squatting position with her back against a wall did the trick. Stands to reason, orgasms are all about building sexual and muscle tension. Joy found that squatting tensed her hamstrings, quadriceps, glutes and even her PC muscle. This tension was just the thing to deliver the goods. Joy did add, however, that getting out of the squat after the event was really tricky. She said that in the end, she just learned to simply topple over with a bit of a thud. I had to laugh when she told me this, because I couldn’t help seeing Joy in my mind’s eye (she’s a big girl, don’t cha know) all breathless and topsy-turvy on the floor with a big ol’ shit-eatin grin on her face after finally delivering herself from the land of the preorgasmic.

One final thing, I’ve often heard women speak of the high success rate of jillin-off to orgasm in the bath. Again, this stands to reason too. Here you are all relaxed, warm and cozy, all wet and squishy. Why not add a little jet of warm water or a waterproof vibe and you’ll be havin’ an orgasm as easy as fallin’ off a log…or so I’m told. Just remember, baths and plug-in, electrical kinda vibes definitely don’t mix! A miscalculation here and you’ll find your ass in the sweet hereafter.

Listen, Amy, why not write back sometime with either more information or to report a success. I’d love to hear from you.

Good luck

Hey dr dick! What’s that toll-free podcast voicemail telephone number? Why, it’s: (866) 422-5680. DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

The Dog Days of Summer 2012 Q&A Show — Podcast #344 — 08/20/12


Hey sex fans,

My, my, my! It’s been six whole weeks since our last Q&A show. That’s not good. Because, ya know what? I have a huge backlog of very interesting questions from the sexually worrisome. And this time around, all my correspondents are men. Why, that almost never happens. I trust you will find my responses will educate, enrich and maybe even entertain. With a little luck, I’ll even have just enough time to do a product review. Sound fun? I think so too.

Tyler is straight but has the urge to stuff his ass.
Paul has polio, but he still wants to jerk-off.
Robert and his partner are having big time relationship problems.
John need more sex than he’s getting at home.
Steven is pulling his pud a lot, now some of the sensations are gone..
Mike is having extreme muscle spasms after he cums.
Finally we review the Fat Boy Cock Sheath.

Today’s podcast is bought to you by: Dr Dick’s Sex Advice and Dr Dick’s Sex Toy Review.

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously, or just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

You’ve lost that lovin’ feelin’…

Name: James
Gender: Male
Age: 45
Location: Canada
During my teenage years I had a few girlfriends and enjoyed having sex with them. There were never any problems. However at around age 20 while still in College I began to experience sexual dysfunction with my partners after the second or third time we would have intercourse. The symptoms were, I’d be horny, have a good erection but a few minutes into intercourse my penis would start to feel numb and I either would not be able to have an orgasm or I would lose my erection. I would also start to feel sexually repulsed by my partner. This pattern continued for the next 15 years as a single man. I thought I was simply easily sexually bored and dealt with the problem by breaking off the relationship as soon as the sexual dysfunction would start and move on to someone new. One night stands and new partners were never a problem. It just happened after we would have a few dates. It also happened when I met my future wife. It didn’t seem to bother her that much although she thought it might be a good idea to make an appointment to see the Doctor about it. After we were married we basically stopped having sex (we weren’t having much to begin with) because it just proved too stressful, humiliating and it had no payoff for me. I started seeing therapists and for the next 8 years I went through 7 different therapists including marital counselors, sex therapists and psychiatrists. Now I have been married almost 15 years and the marriage has been sexless. My wife doesn’t like it but has made her peace with it. I can masturbate with no problems at all and have been told by doctors there is nothing physically wrong with me. But none of the therapists were able to pinpoint what was causing my sexual problem. I have had a few sexual encounters outside my marriage over the years and the sex was great, no problems at all. Mind you none of these “affairs” lasted very long, a half dozen sexual encounters at most. Any ideas what might be causing this inability to ejaculate and inability to keep an erection plus the feeling of sexual revulsion with a partner after two or three sexual encounters?

YIKES, James, you just recounted 25 years of deep seeded psychological problems and you expect me to make an insightful comment in the precious little time I can afford any one of my correspondent. That’s a pretty tall order; don’t you think?

Ok, for all it’s worth, here goes. My guess is that you don’t have a sexual dysfunction at all. But you do have a huge rift between your sexual life and your intimate life. And this expresses itself in the ways you outlined above.

Many people who have difficulty with intimacy can still perform sexually pretty much like everyone else. Obviously the performance thing is not dependent on the intimacy thing. In these cases, sex is rarely more than a mechanical bodily function — get it up, get it on, get it off, the end. The hard part comes when these people try to ground these mechanics in a healthy emotional context.

The fact that you can’t bone the same person more then a couple of times without revulsion, and that you can only tolerate your long-suffering wife if your marriage remains sexless; tells me you need to investigate why you can’t connect sexual expression with intimacy. You exhibit all the classic signs of a sexual dysfunction, but they’re only symptomatic of a much more profound disability. And you’ll never get to the bottom of dysfunctions until you get to the root of your intimacy issue.

When I see a person, like you, in my therapy practice, I try to help my client overcome his/her rift by encouraging him/her to gradually increase the amount of intimacy he is comfortable with every sexual encounter. It’s a simple behavior modification technique. It often is very successful, but most of my clients are highly motivated to heal the fracture in their life. Also, they don’t have a 25-year history of this to overcome.

You on the other hand, don’t seem to be particularly motivated. I can see that you’re curious about your sexual problems, but you’re not making that all important connection between your bodily functions and your emotion capacity. There’s a blockage there that is so ingrained it would be very difficult to undo. It could happen, but you’d have to be very passionate about making it happen and then stick with the therapeutic intervention till there was a breakthrough. This no doubt would involve reversing a lifetime of selfishness and egotism. And I see no evidence that you have that kind of moxy.

Good luck

Hey dr dick! What’s that toll-free podcast voicemail telephone number? Why, it’s: (866) 422-5680. DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

And they’re off…

Name: Dan and Rebecca
Gender: Couple
Age: 25, 20
Location:
We are a happy but frustrated couple looking for advice. I’m a 25
year old male, and my lovely girlfriend is 20.

I have no problem bringing her to orgasm and pleasing her, but since we’ve been seeing each other I have not been able to cum once. In the past it was always difficult for me to cum during sex, my first time (age 18) my then gf and I went for about three hours before we just gave up. Usually I would have to jerk myself off afterwards but now I can’t even do that.

However if I am alone with porn I am easily able to masturbate and can get off a few times a day. How is it that I can jerk off to pictures that mean nothing to me, but can’t cum for the woman I love the most?

I’ve spoken with a doctor and he said medically there is nothing wrong with my penis. What do you suggest we do? We are really getting frustrated and just want to be able to please each other.

Simply put, there’s a difference between the psycho-sexual response we have when we are alone and the one we experience with a partner. Your doctor is right, there’s probably nothing wrong with your unit. It’s all in your head…or your mind, to be more exact. And I’m not being flippant.

If I had to guess, I’d say you have a real bad case of performance anxiety, pup. Here’s how this nasty thing works. Say I have a less than satisfying sexual experience for one reason or another. Before I know it, I’m replaying the incident over and over in my mind’s eye till that’s all I can think about. The proverbial molehill has become a mountain, don’t ‘cha know. I then bring my anxiety to my next encounter. My hyper self-consciousness primes me for more disappointment. And I’m all prepared to interpret the disappointment as a failure. Well, you can see where I’m going with this, huh? My fears become self-fulfilling and I find I’m beginning to avoid partnered sex and my relationship flounders, I develop a full-blown sexual dysfunction and my self-esteem takes a nosedive. My preoccupation with my problem makes it less likely that I’ll be fully present during sex with my partner, which pretty much scuttles my sexual responsiveness and any hope for spontaneity.

It looks to me like performance anxiety is putting a damper on your sexual arousal and short-circuiting your sexual response cycle, Dan. Get thee to a sex-positive therapist ASAP, darling! Believe me, this is nothing to fool around with, especially for someone at your tender age.

When I see this sort of thing in my private practice, I always begin the therapeutic intervention by calling a moratorium on fucking of any kind. This immediately takes a great deal of the pressure off the couple. From there we begin to rebuild the partnered psycho-sexual response one step at a time. We begin with sensate focus training, stress reduction and relaxation exercises. I have the greatest confidence in this method; it succeeds over 90% of the time.

Good luck

Hey dr dick! What’s that toll-free podcast voicemail telephone number? Why, it’s: (866) 422-5680. DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Name: Gene
Gender:  Male
Age: 45
Location: Orlando
I am a homosexual, and I have a “friend” who has been incarcerated for five years. The relationship while he was out with me was excellent. I have asked him numerous of times is he having sex with the homo’s in jail and he responds by saying no. I think otherwise, and he wants to come back to me upon his release. My question is “should I wait for him”?

Gene, Gene, Gene, there are so many things wrong with this picture, I hardly know where to start. Your man’s in the big house for 5 years, and you expect him to keep it in his pants for the duration…just for you? Like WHY? Hey, he’s in the clink, darling, not in a monastery. Oh wait; even monks in a monastery don’t keep it in their habit nowadays! At any rate, it may not be up to him if he has sex or not…if you catch my drift. He might be someone’s bitch right now, he’s just not telling you about it.

Should you wait for him? You mean, all alone by yourself with no one to comfort you while your guy is doin’ his time? This sounds like the script for a real bad 1950’s prison movie. You could play the role of the long-suffering girlfriend pining away while her good-for-nothing man pays his debt to society.

Honey, you need to get out more.

Good luck

Name: Erin
Gender: female
Age: 32
Location: AL
Is it wrong for a married woman to want to masturbate when alone?

Gee, let me see. Is it wrong for a woman to feed herself when she is alone?

Erin, what could possibly be wrong with wanting to pleasure yourself when you are alone? As we all know, many women only get off through masturbation. Hell nowadays, liberated women folk everywhere are comfortable enough with their sexuality to jill-off even with their partner. So no, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with self-pleasuring…alone or with a partner.

Besides, there’s no better way to get to know your body and your sexual response cycle. Once you acquainted yourself with how your body works, you’ll have a whole lot more information about how you tic that you’ll be able to share with your partner when the time comes. It’s a win/win situation for ya’ll.

Name: Joy
Gender:  female
Age: 21
Location: California
I have been dating this guy for almost 3 year and also live with him. I love the way he makes love to me and i love dick, but sometimes i just want to make out with girls… does this make me a lesbian at all?

Hardly, not even a little bit lesbian! Ya see, it takes more than suckin’ face with another chick to make a gal a lesbiterian. You’re gonna need to get yourself a she-mullet, some plaid shirts and a vibrator that you can kick-start. Now that’ll make ya dyke for damn sure. Sheesh!

Hey dr dick! What’s that toll-free podcast voicemail telephone number? Why, it’s: (866) 422-5680. DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Whoa Daddy!

Name: Kirk
Gender: Male
Age:
Location: Belfast
I think my dad is sexy and want to fuck him but am scared to ask! I also fancy my best friend and every time he stays over with me I fantasize sucking his cock and fucking him hard what do I do?

My you’re a randy little bugger, huh Kirk? I see you didn’t include your age when you wrote me. so I’m gonna go way out on a limb here and guess you’re still a lad.

First off, I want to direct your attention to the advice I gave a young man named Jaymie earlier this month. You will find that column HERE! I want you to read this because my words to him apply to you as well. Particularly in terms of your desire to suck your best friend’s cock and fucking him hard. You’re such a charmer!

Second, you should know that you follow in a very long line of gay men who have and do fantasize about boning their hunky dads. This is all very natural and it provides a wealth of extremely tantalizing mental material for our wank sessions. And that, my friend, is where this oughta stay.

Incest, and that’s what we’re talking about, is taboo. And it’s taboo for several really good reasons. The most devastating thing about incest is the secrecy that must surround it. No one violates this universal taboo in the open. The secrecy and the inevitable shame and guilt when found out will, sure as shootin’, destroy a family dynamic. Your old man will know this even if you haven’t grasped this yet yourself.

At the same time, it would be foolish to deny that sexual and erotic tensions often swirl around a family dynamic. It’s unavoidable. A father’s love for his children, a mother’s love for her children can and sometimes does develop an erotic component. A son’s love for his parents, a daughter’s love for her parents can morph into a powerful sexual desire. But like I said, crossing the line from longing to actuality is a loaded gun aimed at the heart of the family. Your dad’s parental responsibilities to you must trump any eroticism he may have toward you. You, on the other hand, have a responsibility to your father not make his job any more difficult than it is.

Here’s the thing, part of being a parent to a teenager is acknowledging and allowing for the teen to practice his or her seduction skills inside the family unit. Girls harmlessly flirt with their fathers and compete with their mothers. Boys harmlessly flirt with their mothers and compete with their fathers. And sometimes this happens toward the same-sex parent too — boys toward their fathers and girls toward their mothers. The adults need to take all of this in stride. They have to believe the flirtation is harmless so they can provide their children with the proper non-seductive environment for their maturation to occur. If the flirting crosses the line into full-on, for real seduction the unspoken agreement between parents and children is shattered. And there will be hell to pay.

The same is true in the reverse. A child must have the confidence that as they mature and develop their sexual identity, they will not unwittingly become the object of their parent’s seduction or worse their predation.

Of course, Kirk, there’s the distinct possibility that your old man doesn’t share your sexual predilections. And coming on to him could easily destroy whatever bond you may share. In fact, your disclosure could easily backfire into a violent response. Your dad could easily knock your block off.

Here’s a tip: if you absolutely must confess or confide your attraction, save it for when you are old enough to have moved out of your parent’s house. That way some of the sting will have gone out of revelation because the family dynamic will have changed. But you can be sure the awkwardness will continue.

Good luck

I’d like to remind you of the toll-free Lick-A-Dee-Split sex advice podcast VOICEMAIL HOTLINE at 866-422-5680. Got a question or a comment? Want to rant or rave for a bit. Or maybe you just gotta talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest and give dr dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

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