Sex therapists on 20 simple, satisfying ways to revive your lost libido

— Losing your mojo is very common, but it can be overcome, whether through self-love, putting down your phone – or even a sex ban

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Most people will experience a loss of sexual desire at some point in their life, be it due to parenthood, a health condition, hormonal changes, grief or other reasons. But how can you overcome this? Sex therapists and educators share the secrets to getting your mojo back.

1. Be aware that it is incredibly normal

“Fluctuations in desire are a natural part of the human experience, influenced by different life stages,” says Chris Sheridan, a psychotherapist and founder of The Queer Therapist in Glasgow. “We’re not robots,” says Natasha Silverman, a Relate sex and relationship therapist based in the Cotswolds. She has helped couples who haven’t had sex for decades and says this is one of the most common reasons people seek advice. “It is very normal for relationships to go through periods when couples aren’t having sex, or one person wants to and the other doesn’t.”

2. Mood is often a factor

Addressing this is the first step. “External life stresses and anxiety all put the brakes on sexual desire,” says Silverman. “If you are stressed and overwhelmed – worried about the kids or there are problems at work – it’s not going to be quite so easy to get into that headspace.” Medication such as antidepressants can also have an impact on sex drive, she adds.

3. Have a medical check-up

It is important to see a doctor about loss of libido. If people are describing anxiety, depression or other symptoms that may be connected to a health issue such as the menopause, “we do suggest that people get checked”, says Silverman. “For example, someone may have erectile difficulties that are putting them off sex. But if that is a chronic problem, it can be indicative of something like heart disease.”

4. Talk to someone outside the relationship

Find someone to confide in, says Silverman. This could be “a friend or a professional. Someone who can normalise it, help you look at why this might be happening and take the shame out of it. Think about when things changed and what might be making it more difficult.” Try to work out, “what it is that made you feel as if your mojo isn’t there any more”, says Dami “Oloni” Olonisakin, a sex positive educator and author of The Big O: An empowering guide to loving, dating and f**king.

5. Be prepared to talk to your partner

When you are ready, talk to your partner about how you are feeling. This could be in a therapy space or on your own. “Your partner will already be sensing that something has changed,” says Silverman. “And if you’re not talking about it with them, they are going to fill in the gaps, most likely with their own anxieties: ‘They don’t want to be with me any more’; ‘They don’t find me attractive’; ‘Maybe there’s someone else.’ So be upfront and honest.” Most people are too ashamed to work on stale, long-term relationships and be more creative about seeking pleasure together, says Todd Baratz, a sex therapist in New York City. It doesn’t “necessarily mean getting out the whips and chains, it just means communicating about sex, talking about what your sexual needs are”.

‘Set aside time each week to explore each other’s bodies.’

6. Single people struggle with desire, too

It is not only those in a relationship who experience a loss of libido. Silverman says she is seeing increasing numbers of single people who “want to iron out mistakes from previous relationships” and women, in particular, who have become used to “minimising their needs”. There are a lot of myths that need to be busted about the G-spot and what a healthy sex life looks like, she says. Being single is a good time to figure out what works for you “and make yourself more robust”, for your next relationship or sexual encounter.

7. Work out what desire means to you

“Society often normalises saying ‘yes’ to things we may not genuinely want to do, a behaviour that can permeate our relationship dynamics,” says Sheridan. “Expressing our true desires and practising saying ‘no’ enables us to transition into healthy communication characterised by negotiation and mutual consent.”

“What is really important,” says Miranda Christophers, a sex and relationship psychotherapist at The Therapy Yard in Beaconsfield, “is that both partners have the desire for desire. If somebody’s motivation for intimacy is because they know that their partner likes to have sex and they need to do it to keep the partner happy, that wouldn’t necessarily be a positive motivator. We try to get them to work out what they enjoy about sex, what they are getting from it.” That could be pleasure in the moment or a sense of connection afterwards.

8. In most couples, one person will want sex more than the other

“This phenomenon is not exclusive to heterosexual couples,” says Sheridan. “It presents similarly within same-sex and sexually diverse relationships”, in which there can be “an additional layer of complexity emerging due to the pervasive influence of heteronormativity”. “Desire isn’t necessarily gender specific,” says Baratz. “It is often assumed that men want sex all the time and women want to be seduced, and that’s not the case. People have a wide and diverse expression of how they desire, regardless of their gender.” That said, men tend to experience spontaneous desire, whereas women are more responsive, says Christophers, and desire may only kick in at the point of arousal.

9. A sex ban can be a good place to start

Silverman says many therapists will encourage couples to abstain from sex and masturbation while initial conversations are taking place, before introducing affection for affection’s sake that won’t lead to something else. Plus, “telling someone they can’t have sex tends to be an effective way to get them in the mood”, she says.

10. Looking back is crucial

As with any kind of therapy, considering past experiences, positive and negative, can help to process problems in the present. Sheridan explains: “Examining a client’s sexual response history across their lifespan allows us to discern whether the change is a situational occurrence or a longstanding pattern. A crucial aspect of this involves understanding the current and historical dynamics of their relationships.” Silverman adds: “We look at their first relationships, the potential obstacles that are in the way of them being able to let go sexually, any health problems, trauma or historic sexual abuse.” “Trauma has a huge impact on our sensory system,” says Baratz, “and sex is all about sensory experiences, so it’s going to potentially decrease the way we feel safe or connected to our senses. That means that we need to be with a partner we feel safe with.”

11. Rediscover non-sexual intimacy

This could be “kissing each other before you leave the house or playfully patting your partner on the bum as they walk past”, says Oloni. “Different things can help reignite that spark, so when you are back in bed you’ve done things throughout the day that remind you your partner still desires you sexually and is attracted to you.” Sensate exercises, in which couples are encouraged to “set aside time each week to explore each other’s bodies, focusing on the feeling that they have themselves when they are doing this”, are helpful too, says Christophers.

12. Scheduling

This isn’t for everyone, says Silverman, as it can make sex feel like even more of a chore. But it can be helpful for some, especially if young children are getting in the way. “Schedule a romantic date night or time to find different ways to get in touch with that side,” says Oloni. For new parents, Christophers advises: “Even if it is just for an hour, go somewhere else and create a more adult space together.” Baratz recommends “planning sex instead of relying upon spontaneity and declaring our schedules are too busy”.

13. Self-love is everything

“Emphasising self-love is integral,” says Sheridan. “As it empowers individuals to honestly articulate their needs and desires, building more authentic and fulfilling sexual and emotional intimacy in the relationship.” Take care of yourself too: shower and put on fragrance, says Baratz. “Exercise plays a big role in cultivating a relationship with your body.” He encourages “yoga, if that’s pleasurable, or massage or a spa day or a bath bomb – anything that is a sensory experience that feels good and will reinforce the connection that we can feel with our body”. “When you walk past a mirror, tell yourself how beautiful you are,” says Oloni. “How lucky anybody would be to be in your presence naked.”

14. Work on body confidence

This could be through “buying yourself new lingerie that makes you feel sexy”, says Oloni. “You need to find that confidence within yourself then present that to your partner. I used to work in Victoria’s Secret, and I remember a woman came in who had just had a child and she burst into tears because a bra looked good on her. That has stuck with me because it really does take the right type of underwear to make you feel sexy again, or to see yourself in a different way.”

15. Faking it can be counterproductive

Again, this is very common, thanks to people getting sex education from mainstream pornography, says Silverman, which often suggests women need to have penetrative sex to have an orgasm, whereas about 75% of women require clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm. But “every time someone fakes an orgasm, they are showing their partner the exact wrong way to make them climax – there is a sexual dishonesty there”, she says. “Some people do struggle to reach orgasm, which is known as anorgasmia. This can be a result of medication, trauma or trust issues that haven’t been explored. But generally speaking, people can reach orgasm on their own. We recommend that people get to know their bodies by themselves and what does it for them, before expecting a partner to know what to do.”

16. Pornography doesn’t have to be visual

“There is a difference between ethical and non-ethical pornography,” says Oloni. “And it is important to understand what has been created for the male gaze.” She points to other forms of erotica that can be accessed, such as audio pornography and literature. “There are so many different mediums you could get that sexual rush from, but I don’t think people truly explore. It’s usually the same link or bookmark of a favourite porn site or video. I think it’s important to mix it up, especially when it comes to fantasising. They say that the biggest sexual organ that we actually have is the brain. It’s so important to fantasise in different ways instead of just one.”

17. Think about ‘sexual currency’

“This is a term that a lot of sex educators are using now,” says Oloni, “which is designed to help you find that desire and spark in your relationship. It could mean cuddling more on the sofa when you’re watching a movie, or it could be remembering to kiss your partner before you leave the house.”

18. Write down things you want to try

This helps if you can’t say them out loud. Work out what they are and send over an image or link, suggests Oloni. “Write them down on bits of paper and put them in a pot,” says Christophers, so you can pull them out and potentially try something new. “Create an opportunity for playfulness,” she says. “A bit more intrigue, a bit more mystery.”

19. Variety is the spice of life

Oils, toys and other aids can be useful after body changes due to the menopause, having a baby or other health conditions, says Christophers, as is trying different positions. “Think about comfort and practical things, such as using lubricants.”

20. Put down your phone

For those who would rather go to bed with their phone than their partner, put it away. “This comes up a lot,” says Christophers. “I’m not saying don’t ever bring your phone into bed,” says Oloni. “But that could be a time where you up your sexual currency. You’re in bed with your partner. This is where you should feel your most relaxed but you can’t really unwind when you are on your phone, you’re still taking in so much information. You could use that time instead to not necessarily have sex, but just be still, hug, spoon or giggle with your partner.”

Complete Article HERE!

Sex and the Aging Male

I’m receiving a startling number of correspondences lately from older men and their partners, highlighting the sexual difficulties of the aging process. It’s not surprising that these people are noticing the changes in their sexual response cycle as they age, but it is astonishing that they haven’t attributed the changes to andropause.

A Little Frustrated

Dr Dick,
I’m a 54-year-old man, who three years ago managed to finally come out and live the life I so desperately longed for all my life. My question: Is there a biological clock in men like women have to deal with in menopause? During the last years of my marriage, there was no sex life—other than with myself. Now I’m living a fantastic life, with a great man whom I love very much. I know there is more to life than sex, but now that I’m finally able to express myself physically with a ma, I am unable to perform—and not for lack of trying!

I tried Viagra a few years ago. It used to work maintaining an erection, but it was just by myself, and I always had fun. But the side effects—headaches and discomfort—made me wonder, “Do I really want to take this stuff?” But now, even the meds don’t help, and as for my libido, it suffers due to my lack of ability.

I’ve been tested for testosterone levels, and they say I’m right where I should be at for my age. I’ve seen two doctors about the issue, and when they find out my partner’s sex, they don’t want to deal with it, and seem to just pass it off as an age thing. (BTW: I’m in fairly decent shape; I exercise three to four days a week at the gym.) Can you send me any advice on a path to take?
—A Little Frustrated

A little frustrated? Holy cow, darlin’, you sound a lot frustrated—and rightfully so! You finally find what’s been missing your whole life, only to discover that your plumbing is now giving out on you. Ain’t that a bitch!

And before I continue, I want to tell you and all the other alternative lifestyle people in my audience: Don’t settle for a sex-negative physician—no matter what. Find yourself a sex-positive doctor who will look beyond your choice of partner; someone who will give you the respect you deserve!

Andropause

You raise an interesting question about the aging process when you ask if men experience something similar to menopause in women. The short answer is—you betcha! In fact, it even has a name: andropause. It’s only been recently that the medical industry has started to pay attention to the impact that changing hormonal levels have on the male mind and body. Most often andropause is misdiagnosed as depression and treated with an antidepressant. WRONG!

All men experience a decrease in testosterone, the “male” hormone, as they age. This decline is gradual, often spanning 10 to 15 years. While the gradual decrease of testosterone does not display the profound effects that menopause does, the end results are similar.

And listen: When a physician says that your testosterone level falls within “an acceptable range,” he/she isn’t telling you much. Let’s just say you had an elevated level of testosterone all your life, ’til now. Let’s say that you now register on the lower end of “acceptable.” That would mean that you’ve had a significant loss in testosterone. But your doctor wouldn’t know that, because he/she has no baseline for your normal testosterone level.

There is no doubt that a man’s sexual response changes with advancing age and the decrease of testosterone. Sexual urges diminish, erections are harder to come by, they’re not as rigid, there’s less jizz shot with less oomph. And our refractory period (or interval) between erections is more elongated, too.

Andropausal men might want to consider Testosterone Replacement Therapy (TRT). Just know that most medical professionals resist testosterone therapy. Some mistakenly link Testosterone Replacement Therapy with prostate cancer, even though recent evidence shows prostatic disease is estrogen-dependent rather than testosterone-dependent. I encourage you to be fully informed about TRT before you approach your new sex-positive doctor, because the best medicine is practiced collaboratively—by you and your doctor.

Finally, getting the lead back in your pencil, so to speak, may simply be an issue of taking more time with arousal play. Don’t expect to go from zero to 60 in a matter of seconds like you once did. Also, I suggest that you use a cock ring. But most of all, fuckin’ relax, why don’tcha already? Your anxiety is short-circuiting your wood, my friend. And only you can stop that.

Here’s Gwen, who reports on her husband’s condition:

Dr Dick, My husband and I have been married for 33 years. Our relationship is hell when it comes to sex. My husband is overweight, and he’s stressed out about his elderly parents. Sex is non-existent. He never was the instigator in our relationship. And he is the kind of guy who thinks having sex on the couch as opposed to the bedroom is adventuresome. He has become so boring. I don’t believe the man feels sex should be that important at our ages. (I’m 57 and he’s 62) I, on the other hand, am more sexually aroused and creative than ever now that I am more mature and the kids are out of the house. Menopause and all the sex on the Internet helps too. 😉 Is there anything I can do to make my man return to being a healthy sexual being once again? Thank you.

No—thank you, Gwen. Your complaint is a familiar one. So familiar, in fact, that I regularly offer therapy groups for couples in long-term relationships, like you and your old man, who have, for one reason or another, hit a wall when it comes to their sex lives.

I’m sad to say there’s not much you can do to beef up your sex life if there’s no interest on the part of your husband to do so. I mean, you can lead the horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. You confide that you husband is overweight and stressed; not a happy combination when it comes to his sexual response cycle, even if we don’t factor in his age. In fact, your husband sounds like a heart attack waiting to happen. Perhaps if your challenged him about his general health—encourage weight loss and stress reduction—you might find that it might also reignite his sex drive. It’s worth a try.

And thank you for mentioning menopause. So many women find the changes that take place in midlife confusing and disorientating. It’s so good to hear from someone eager to explore and enjoy her sexuality post-menopause.

It’s clear that as we age, both women and men need more time and stimulation to get aroused. The slower, more sensuous foreplay that often results is a welcome change for most women and even some men. Increased focus on sensuality, intimacy, and communication can help a sexual relationship remain rewarding even well into our most senior years. If your husband is avoiding intercourse, there still many ways of expressing your love and staying connected:

Hugging, cuddling, kissing
Touching, stroking, massage, sensual baths
Mutual masturbation and oral sex

However, if your husband is more wedded to food and to stress than he is to you, and if he continues to refuse to join you in finding an appropriate outlet for your sexual frustration, then it’s up to you to make this happen on your own. Age 57 is way too soon to say goodbye to your sex life.

May I suggest joining a women’s group? Not a therapy group, but more of a support group or activities group. Getting out of the house, involving yourself with other self-actualized mature women, may uncover the secret solutions other women have put in place to find sexual satisfaction when they are without a partner or have a partner who’s no longer interested in them. I think you will be surprised by how creative your sisters can be. Make it happen, Gwen. Don’t sink to the lowest common denominator of living a sexless life.

Good luck!

7 Signs It’s Time for Couples Therapy

— According to a Queer Relationship Therapist

By

You don’t need a relationship therapist for everything, but when you and your partner are struggling to communicate, a couples therapist can give you some much-needed tools. Of course, it can be hard to know if and when seeking couples therapy is the right move — especially for queer couples. Since LGBTQ+ people have historically been underrepresented in science, literature, and media, it can be difficult for queer couples to know if they’re experiencing normal relationship stress or something bigger.

Throughout my years working as a sex and relationship therapist, I’ve pinpointed signs that you and your partner might need help from a professional. Here are seven signs that it might be time for couples therapy.


1. You’re stuck in an “infinity fight.”

Fighting with your partner isn’t always a bad thing. We all communicate differently, and for many of us, a heated (but respectful) argument is the easiest path toward conflict resolution. That said, it isn’t healthy to fight every day — especially when that fight is always about the same thing. If you and your partner fight about the same issue every time it pops up and nothing seems to change afterwards, you’re in what I call an “infinity fight.”

You could be fighting about anything — friends, family, sex, chores — but if it’s not getting better, then it’s probably just getting worse. It’s okay if you two can’t work it out on your own. That’s what therapy is for!

2. You think there’s room for improvement, but you don’t know where to start.

Couples therapy isn’t only for partners who are at their wits’ end. If you see a problem forming and want to get ahead of it, couples therapy might be right for your relationship.

In many cases, counseling is even more effective if you do it before the tears are flowing and tempers are running hot. There are a million different ways that two people can spark conflict with each other — and there’s no rule book that can tell you how to fix them all — so there’s no shame in seeking professional advice.

3. Being with your partner feels like a chore.

This is one of the saddest things I see as a therapist. Two people are madly in love, but unresolved gripes, conflicts, or complaints suck the life out of them over time.

If it feels like being with your partner is a chore — i.e., you’d rather capitulate than argue with them, their requests always feel like a burden, you try to avoid emotional or physical connection, etc. — then something is clearly wrong.

Likewise, if you feel like your partner is treating you that way no matter what you do, then it’s time to call in some assistance. Couples therapy can help you uncover the origin of those feelings and guide you back to a healthy and happy relationship.

4. Your sex life is struggling.

I often struggle to get clients to open up about sex. Whether they’re unsatisfied, afraid to express their desires, or experiencing shifts in libido, the last thing they want to do is talk to their partner about it.

They might be scared of hurting each other’s feelings or just flat-out uncomfortable talking about sex, so they wait to address it until they can hardly tolerate sex. In other cases, they may have perfect sexual communication but still feel unable to improve. A therapist can help you find out why you’re sexually unsatisfied and get back to sexual bliss with your partner.

5. You have trust issues.

I can tell you right now that a lack of trust will lead to bigger and badder problems in no time. It could be that you’ve been hurt before and feel suspicious, or it could be that your partner’s words or actions are inconsiderate.

We all want to know the truth and we all want to be able to trust our loved ones, but it’s rarely that simple. A therapist can help both of you communicate more honestly with each other. They can also help you find out if that mistrust is coming from you, your partner, or both.

6. You and/or your partner are working through trauma.

I know it feels obvious to seek professional help after experiencing trauma, but few people think to involve their partners in that work. If you’ve been through trauma together, such as a car accident or loss of a child, then you need to heal together.

If one of you has been through something traumatic, it’s normal for the other partner to want to help — even if they don’t know how. It’s natural for all of us to want to be there for those we love. A therapist can help you heal, but they can also teach your partner how to be there for you and vice versa.

7. You and your partner have fundamental differences.

We may not mind our partner’s differences at first. That difference could be a hobby, a political view, religious difference, or any other value or interest you don’t share.

Over time, these differences can turn into points of contention, resentment, or arguments. You probably can’t change that aspect of them, but a therapist can help you both move forward in a healthy way.


Remember: Couples therapy isn’t a last resort.

As the stigma surrounding mental health fades away, therapy is becoming more and more common. You don’t have to wait for an extreme problem to try it. Try a few therapists and see what feels right. Hopefully, you and your partner will start a journey towards a better, stronger relationship. That said, therapy isn’t a fix-all solution for every problem. Sometimes two people simply aren’t compatible — and that’s okay! Therapy can help you discover what steps to take for a healthier life, whether that’s together or apart.

Complete Article HERE!

Emily Morse Wants You to Think Seriously About an Open Relationship

By David Marchese

For nearly 20 years, Emily Morse has been publicly talking with people about sex. She has done it in intimate, small-group conversations with friends; she has done it on radio and TV and social media; and the sex therapist has done it, most prominently, on her popular “Sex With Emily” podcast. A lot of what she has talked about over the years hasn’t changed: People want to discuss why they’re not having orgasms or their insecurities about penis size or their changing libido. But lately she has noticed something different: There’s a growing desire for more information about open sexual relationships. Indeed, Morse was already late in submitting a draft to her publisher of her new book, “Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure,” when she decided that she needed to add a section on nonmonogamy because she kept being asked about it. “People are realizing,” says Morse, who is 53, “that monogamy isn’t a one-size-fits-all model.”

Why do you think so many people are curious about nonmonogamy these days? People are in therapy more, taking care of themselves and thinking more deeply about their relationships. Now that’s part of the conversation; therapy is no longer stigmatized. That has been a big switch, and when couples get into their feelings and emotional intelligence, they’re realizing: We can love each other and be together, and we can create a relationship on our own terms that works for us. If you are in a long-term committed relationship, it can be exciting to experience sex in a new way that is equitable, consensual and pleasurable but doesn’t take away from the union of marriage.

A term I hear a lot now is “ethical nonmonogamy.”1

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Broadly, it’s the practice of being romantically or sexually involved with multiple people who are all aware of and give consent to the arrangement.

My sense is that some couples experiment with that because one-half of a relationship feels that things have to open up or the relationship isn’t going to last. But in a situation like that, how ethical is the ethical nonmonogamy? That’s coercion. That’s manipulation. If you say to your partner, “We have to open up, or I’m leaving you” — I don’t feel great about the future of those couples. I can say that there usually is one partner who starts the nonmonogamy conversation. They might say, “I’ve been thinking about it, and our friends are doing it, and what would you think about being open?” They’ll talk about what it might look like and how they would navigate and negotiate it. But if one partner is like, “We should open up,” and the other is like, “I’m shut down to that; it doesn’t work for me,” and then the partner brings it up again and again and the answer is still “No,” then it won’t work. For a majority of people, their first thought is, I never want to hear about my partner having sex with somebody else; that is my biggest nightmare. That’s where most people are. So for nonmonogamy to work, you need to be self-aware and have self-knowledge about your sexual desires and do some work. Maybe we’ll talk to our friends who we know are into it. Maybe we’ll listen to a podcast about it. Maybe we’ll go to therapy. Maybe we’ll take baby steps and go to a play party.2

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A party where people are free to engage in public sex or kinky behaviors.

But to do it to spice up your relationship is not the reason to do it. Do it because you’re open and curious and understand that your desire for pleasure extends beyond your relationship.

In the book, you say nonmonogamy is not a way to fix a relationship. Why not? The people in successful ethical nonmonogamous relationships have a very healthy relationship to their own sex life and their own intimacy, their own desires. People who are like, Yeah, let’s go find someone else to have sex with, to spice it up — usually those couples don’t have a deeper understanding of their own sex life and what they want from a partner. Another version of that is, “Let’s have a baby!” These drastic things that people do to make their relationship more interesting or to distract themselves from problems usually don’t work. Couples who are successful have rigorous honesty and a deeper knowledge of their own sexual wants and desires.

Emily Morse hosting Gwyneth Paltrow on her “Sex With Emily” podcast in 2021.

What about couples who stay together because their sex life is great but the rest of their relationship is bad? People who have great sex but they can’t stand each other? I think that’s rare. If they’re not connected in other areas and the sex is what’s carrying them, I would want to sit with that couple and find out more. Maybe the relationship is better than they think. But listen, people get to decide what works for them. To me, the most satisfying pleasurable sex is when you have trust and depth and openness and intimacy and communication. If you loathe your partner outside the bedroom? I don’t want to yuck anyone’s yum; I’m sure that situation exists, but I don’t hear about it often.

It’s funny to hear you say you don’t want to yuck anyone’s yum, because in my life — If that’s you, David, in your relationship, that’s awesome! I’m so glad for you and your partner.

No, no. What I was going to say was that I use that phrase with my kids. One will say to the other, “Why are you eating that Jell-O?” or whatever, and I’ll say, “Don’t yuck their yum.” It’s a very different context! Well, that’s a big sex thing, too: You never want to yuck your partner’s yum. This is what comes up with fantasies and arousal and desire. If your partner tells you they want to use a sex toy, and you’re like, “Ew,” it’s hard to recover from that. So don’t yuck the yum if you don’t like Jell-O and if you don’t like anal sex.

You said a second ago that the best sex is about communication and depth and so on, which goes along with ideas in your book about what you call the five pillars of sex IQ,3

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Which are embodiment (meaning awareness of your self in your own body), health, collaboration (relating to and working with your sexual partners), self-knowledge and self-acceptance.

which are basically all things that also go into being a balanced, healthy person. Obviously sex ties into one’s overall sense of self and well-being, but is there any way in which making it as central as you do also makes it more daunting? Or sets people up for disappointment? Because maybe sometimes sex is just OK, or sometimes it’s disappointing, or sometimes it’s great. Does it always have to be a referendum on one’s holistic well-being? I want people to think deeply about sex, to prioritize sex, to be intentional about sex and to think about it differently than just, I’m going to close my eyes in the dark and hope it works out. The problem is that most people compartmentalize sex. It’s shrouded in mystery. Since it’s so mysterious, people don’t want to talk about it, and they don’t have a lot of information there’s a lot of misinformation. People are surprised every day to learn that maybe they can’t get an erection because they haven’t been working out or because of the food they’re eating. We don’t want to talk about sex unless we get a quick fix. For many years, I was like: Here’s the vibrator! Here’s the sex position! Here’s a quick-fix tip! Tips are great, but because sex becomes such a problem in relationships, I want to give people the tools to say: “I wonder if it’s a problem because I haven’t communicated with my partner lately. Maybe that’s how I can have better sex tonight.” So understanding all the elements to it might help you have more satisfaction. Once people realize this is foundational work that’s going to help you for a lifetime, once it becomes more integrated, it’ll help everybody have more freeing, satisfying sex

What are examples of misinformation about sex? That the most pleasure comes from penetration; that men want sex more than women; that men don’t fake orgasms; that desire stays the same in long-term relationships; if there isn’t desire, it means your relationship should end; that if you don’t have penetrative sex, you’re not really having sex. There’s so many of them, and every day I get hundreds of questions from people who you would think would know better. I have friends who have three children, educated, who are like, “Is the g-spot thing real?”

Can I ask about the ring you’re wearing?

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It was quite a large ring.

I realize it looks like a vulva.

It does. It’s a vintage ring. At the time I got it, I literally didn’t realize what it looked like until the next day. [Laughs.] But now it’s my magic vulva ring!

What’s the most far-out thing that everyone should be doing? And I don’t mean far-out as in kinkiest. I mean what’s the thing that people are prudish about but need to get over? I think it’s important to masturbate. Solo sex is a great way to understand your body, what feels good. Healthy masturbation is good for people of all ages, in and out of relationships — when you are intentional about it and it makes you feel good, not bad. You don’t want to have shame after. You want to be accepting of your body, feel more in touch with yourself, feel your sexual energy. You can start to understand what turns you on. You know and accept your genitals for how they are today, and you do it without consequences.

Emily Morse at the Macworld exposition in San Francisco in 2007.

On the subject of masturbation: In the book you write about this technique of “Meditate, masturbate” — remind me of the third one? Manifest.

Right. So the idea is that I’m supposed to meditate. Then once I’m in the right head space, I can start masturbating. And at the moment of climax, if I think about the thing I want to happen in my life — “I hope I get that raise!” — then it’s more likely to happen? Yeah. I mean, manifestation is the science behind the law of attraction and all the things you think about when you are in a heightened state. So when you’re meditating, which, I don’t know if you meditate.

I do two out of the three M’s. Two out of three! You’re good! So you meditate for a few minutes, you get in the zone, then you masturbate, and at the height of orgasm, when your sexual energy is at a peak level and you’re at a clear state to transmute whatever you believe into the universe — it’s very potent, clear energy at that moment to think about and feel what it is that you want. It could be about a raise. It could be about a better day. I feel like this is so woo. I’m from California! [Laughs.] But at that moment of your orgasm, if in that moment you can feel what you want, picture it, it has powerful resonance.

But that’s magic. Magic is not real. [Expletive.] I know. I wish I could explain this better to you, the science behind it, but a lot of people have had a lot of success with this feeling. I just think that meditate, masturbate, manifest is basically a way of using your creative energy to fuel your intentions in the moment of pleasure.

What are you working on in your sex life right now? I’m always working on my sex. Research is me-search, as I say. I’m working on staying connected. I love to slow down sex and take time to experience one-way touch.

5
Which in this context means when only one of the partners is offering touch without the expectation that the other will reciprocate.

So having a night where it’s more about giving and receiving. Expanding connection and understanding what feels good is something I’m always working on.

Just to go back to the five pillars of sex IQ: It seems self-evident that if you get healthier, become more self-aware, collaborate more honestly and openly, and if you’re more comfortable in your own body and you accept yourself, you’re more likely to have better sex. So what is your unique insight there? That’s a great question, because, yeah, those are the five pillars for a better life. But if you have a better sex life, you have a better life. So my thing is that you need to take a more holistic approach to your sex life. People don’t realize that all of those things matter. I don’t think these are so groundbreaking. It’s more applying them to sex on a daily basis. What I’m hearing you say is, Don’t people know this? They don’t.

You’re a doctor of human sexuality. I don’t mean this in a glib way at all, but what is that? So, 20 years ago when I was starting this career — and I know the school isn’t there anymore. It’s a whole thing. But I’m fully open about this. I wanted to go back to school and get a degree in human sexuality. In 2003 when I started looking, there weren’t really many places to go, and I wanted to learn more about sex and education. One school was in San Francisco, called the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality.6

6
The institute operated from the mid-1970s to 2018. In 2017, California’s Bureau for Private Postsecondary Education denied its renewal application to continue operating educational programs. In its decision, the bureau did note that the institute’s faculty and graduates “have produced a well-respected body of research and scholarship.”

A few people I admired highly recommended this school to me. So I did that for three years: an intensive program of learning everything about human sexuality and writing papers and reading everything about sex. That’s where everyone at the time in this space was going to school. Now I think there are other programs. There are some places popping up that I think are a bit better, but not a ton. It’s kind of a newer path.

My understanding is that the school didn’t meet California’s standards for private higher education. I know. This is my nightmare. But you can write about this if you want. Here’s the thing: It was run for like 40, 50 years, but it didn’t meet the criteria to be accredited, which is not fun. I haven’t really been following it. But then I went and got other degrees — in somatic sex therapy, and I’ve taken other things.

Do you think people assume that you’re a medical doctor? I hope not. I always make it clear. I don’t want people to think I’m a medical doctor. Then people think I’m a Ph.D. — not at all. I think after 20 years I’ve been doing this, people know that I’m not a medical doctor. I know putting “Dr. Emily” in the book might have been misleading, but I do say that I’m a doctor of human sexuality, which I understand might not be as well known.

I was interested in your ideas in the book about “core desires”

7
The term came to Morse from the sex educators Celeste Hirschman and Danielle Harel. She defines it as “the specific feeling you want to experience during sex.” That could be feelings like power or humiliation, not merely arousal.

and how they shape our sexuality. Do you mind if I ask what your core desire is? I think to be nurtured, to be seen — loved, cared for, nourished and sometimes ravished. Twenty years ago, I was nervous around sex, disassociated. I was much more in my head and much more about my partner’s pleasure, and if they got off, that meant it was a success and a good time. I knew nothing about my body, my clitoris. I’m a totally different person. Growing up, maybe I wasn’t in an environment — divorced parents and life was hectic. I don’t think I felt as nurtured as I needed to feel. People have really intense core desires. I want to give permission to people to find out what they need, release any shame around it, express it to your partner and then see how that goes. Hopefully it goes well.

What’s the wisest thing someone ever said to you about sex? David, you with the good questions! I don’t remember who said it to me, but: Sex isn’t just about sex.” It’s about so many other things. Sex is about your entire life. Sex is about energy, intimacy and connection. Oh, also: “Go five times slower.” That is a great sex tip!

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity from two conversations.

Complete Article HERE!

The First In-Depth Study on ‘Blue Balls’ Reveals a Lot about Sex

— Arousal without orgasm isn’t dangerous, so why are people pressured to engage in unwanted sexual activity to avoid it?

By Timmy Broderick

published a paper in Sexual Medicine on the first in-depth study investigating epididymal hypertension—a sometimes uncomfortable state of engorged genitals that is commonly known as “blue balls.”Previous research on this acute condition is practically nonexistent. To investigate whether blue balls are a real phenomenon and, if so, how they affect sexual behavior, Pukall and her colleagues at Queen’s University in Ontario teamed up with journalists at Science Vs to solicit survey responses from people with a penis and people with a vagina—2,621 in all. Among the takeaways: testicles are not a prerequisite for what Pukall prefers to call “throbbing crotch syndrome.” Scientific American talked with Pukall about the pervasive myth that arousal without orgasm is dangerous and why people still use it to pressure a partner into having sex.[An edited transcript of the interview follows.]

Why is excess blood in the genitals potentially uncomfortable?

There’s a whole bunch of things that go on in the process of being turned on sexually. One of the main body-related phenomena that occurs is something called engorgement, where blood rushes to those erogenous zones. That will be responsible for things such as clitoral enlargement and penile erection.

Orgasm is almost like a quick-release valve for all of these body-related processes to come back to the regular resting state, when genitals return to their normal size and blood stops pooling in those erogenous areas. But let’s say there’s a lot of foreplay happening. It’s more like a very slow release valve where there’s no explosion to let those processes come back to that nonaroused state.

Are blue balls a legitimate phenomenon?

Yes, absolutely. Now, what does it mean to have blue balls? It could range from feeling a bit uncomfortable to feeling frustrated that this arousal response hasn’t been completed. It could be throbbing, it could be achy, but in terms of intense pain or frequent pain, that is exceptionally rare. Is it something that requires immediate medical attention? No. But the experience of that pain is absolutely real. Anyone who has genitals and is capable, physically, of that physiological sexual response can experience this ache. [This study] legitimizes this condition for all people, whether it’s blue balls or blue vulva or blue genitals. I’ve started to call it “throbbing crotch syndrome.”

Throbbing crotch syndrome is a much better name. Do the testicles and the vulva actually turn blue?

[In our study], some people reported that their genitals do take on a slightly blue tinge. But we couldn’t find any papers showing that this phenomenon leads to a bluish tinge in the genitals. There’s [no research] out there that gives solid proof that there is hypertension in the scrotal area or in the genitals. Everything that we could find around how it occurs are just ideas. There is only a survey of college students from the 1950s and a case study of a 14-year-old from 2001.

Were you surprised that 40 percent of people with a vulva reported that they experience throbbing crotch syndrome?

I was actually expecting quite a high number simply because I don’t see it as the domain of the frat boys and of people with a penis. If you think about the way the process works, it doesn’t matter what your accoutrements are. It’s not like the blood flow knows that it is going into the scrotal area. Or if no scrotal area exists, it’s not like the blood flow is going to be acting, well, nicer.

Were you expecting severe pain levels to be low—less than 7 percent in people with a penis?

I actually expected [the level of severe pain] to be higher. I’ve worked in genital pelvic pain, so I’m used to always validating [people’s experiences]. This is an acute pain condition that is typically easily resolvable, relatively infrequent and mild. It isn’t on the radar of medical professionals simply because it isn’t dangerous in any way. If the pain is chronic and extremely distressing, that’s when you need to see a medical professional to get some tests done and to have a thorough assessment. In all likelihood, something else is going on.

Scientists have been studying pain for centuries, yet this survey was the first serious inquiry into blue balls. Considering society’s love affair with penises, why do you think this topic has been overlooked?

It’s interesting, right? Usually pain related to penises is taken super seriously, whereas pain related to vulvas or other sorts of configurations of genitals is not. I was really stumped. But I think one explanation could be the narrative that blue balls happens mainly to younger men who are sexually frustrated, so it’s kind of treated like a joke and almost like a rite of passage.

It sounds like scientists haven’t studied it because it isn’t a big deal medically. Yet more than 40 percent of the survey respondents with a vagina said that they’ve felt pressured to “engage sexually due to a partner’s fear of getting blue balls/vulva.”

Yes, as did some people [3.7 percent] with a penis. In our qualitative analysis, we included a section where respondents could add comments, and many people wrote that blue balls shouldn’t be used as an excuse to sexually coerce somebody. This was one of the most prominent themes that came up in our analyses: even though people know that it shouldn’t be used as an excuse, it’s still happening.

The good news is that there are many ways for a person to resolve their uncomfortable sensations. We found from the study that you can wait it out, do distracting activities, exercise or masturbate. These are all things that don’t implicate a partner. It’s important to have masturbation as an option, but I think people are just so uncomfortable with the idea of it. Automatically, it’s like, “Oh, someone else needs to take care of this for me.” No way. You’ve got to take the problem in your own hands.

Why do you think the myth that blue balls is dangerous is so pervasive?

I think it has a lot to do with gendered scripts that people have internalized. In many cases, there’s this emphasis placed on penile pleasure in sexual situations—the patriarchy inside the bedroom. Men are seen as the sexual go-getters and as proactive; women are seen as the gatekeepers to sex and more passive. This sexual script places a huge emphasis on the performance of men and their penis. Cisgender women who are having sexual activity with cisgender men tend not to benefit from this at all. This [dynamic] is also manifested in something called the orgasm gap: men are reporting lots and lots of orgasms, whereas women who are having sex with men report the lowest frequencies of orgasm.

How does an undue focus on orgasm contribute to the pressure to engage sexually that many respondents reported feeling?

Some people really feel that they’re not having real sex unless they have an orgasm, that they are entitled to it. People talk about “achieving” orgasm, right? It sounds like you’re hiking to the top of Kilimanjaro or something. [Orgasm] is wonderful! It’s like icing on the cake! But you don’t have to have the icing on the cake because the cake itself is delicious.

We want to ensure that people have the knowledge to say no—to feel confident in their rejection of continuing an activity if it’s not something they truly want.

Are you going to do more research on throbbing crotch syndrome?

We are planning a more in-depth study where we will take more into account the genders of people’s sexual partners. [In the recent study] we only talked about bodies. We also want to take a look at the context: Are there differences [in the frequency or intensity of the phenomenon] if it’s more of a casual encounter versus an encounter with a committed partner?

It would be cool to do research on how [throbbing crotch syndrome] happens and if there are ways we can prevent it. I have some pretty cool devices in my lab, but I don’t know if it would fly with my ethics board to have people come in and masturbate to almost orgasm and then, like, scan their genitals.

Complete Article HEREƒfrust↩!

Surviving purity culture

— How I healed a lifetime of sexual shame

By Linda Kay Klein

In the 1990s, a movement born out of the white, American, evangelical Christian church swept the globe: purity culture. They weren’t the first or only fundamentalist religion to sexually shame women & girls. But this time, the message was mainstream, almost cool: women and girls are either pure or impure, depending on their sexuality. Decades later, we’re just starting to grapple with the long-term effects of these teachings. In this deeply intimate talk, Linda Kay Klein shares how she recovered from purity culture’s toxic teaching — and how she helps others do the same.

Linda Kay Klein is the award-winning author of “Pure: Inside the Evangelical Movement that Shamed a Generation of Young Women and How I Broke Free.” She is a purity culture recovery coach and the founder and president of Break Free Together, a nonprofit serving individuals recovering from gender- and sexuality-based religious trauma. She has an interdisciplinary Master’s degree in gender, sexuality, and religion from New York University and is a trained Our Whole Lives (OWL) sexuality education facilitator. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community.

How I Get Strangers to Talk About Their Sex Lives

— I stop people on the bus, ask my cashier at CVS, or even beg my next-door neighbors.

By

My boyfriend held a cigarette in one hand and a Diet Coke in the other and said, “Are you fucking serious, Lys?” A few moments earlier, while lounging around a wicker table in his flowery backyard, I had flipped open my laptop and instructed him to tell me about all the women he’d slept with that week — or hooked up with, flirted with, even jerked off to. I told him to talk fast. My Sex Diaries column was due by EOD.

We were in an open relationship, insofar that I was pregnant via an anonymous sperm donor and he was a sexpot who could not be tamed. It was the only open relationship I’ve ever been in, and for that period of my life, it worked for me.

We banged out his diary together. I filed it. My editor had very few notes. The readers actually liked him, and all was good. It may sound strange, but I was happier producing such a vivid — and frankly, hot — diary than I was unsettled hearing about the multitudes of beautiful women my guy was going down on when I wasn’t around.

All this is to say that for the last eight years, Sex Diaries has come first. I mean, my children come first. My partner, Sam, whom I’ve been with ever since that guy, comes first. My parents and sister come first. But beyond all that, the weekly column always takes priority.

Normally, I don’t need to recruit friends or lovers for the column, but sometimes I do. The copy is due every Wednesday night — which sometimes means Thursday morning — so if I haven’t found a diarist by early in the week, I have to hustle.

Most of the time, I’m already engaging with a handful of potential diarists who’ve emailed me at sexdiaries@nymag.com with some info about themselves, hoping I’ll invite them to actually write one (which I almost always do). After that, I have to hope that they won’t flake or wind up being fraudulent or scary and that they’ll deliver something interesting, or at least coherent, for me to shape into a column. The diaries don’t pay, so there’s only so much pushing and probing I can do in good conscience. After all, no one owes me anything. In the end, about two in every five emails leads to an actual, publishable diary.

On the weeks when no one has emailed in or a diarist gets cold feet at the last minute, I stop strangers on the bus, at a local bar, or on the street — if they seem like passionate, horny, or simply authentic human beings — and ask them to sit with me for a half hour and entrust me with their stories.

“Hi. Sorry to bother you. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I write this column for New York Magazine called Sex Diaries — it’s pretty popular, honestly — where I profile someone’s love and sex life, or lack thereof, for a week. You can write it yourself, and I’ll clean it up for you. Or you can tell me everything here or later on the phone, and I’ll do the rest. We can disguise whatever you want in order for you to feel comfortable. But you have to remember that once it’s out there, I can’t take it offline, so you need to be okay with that … are you in?”

Occasionally, it works. Most people say that they have nothing remotely interesting going on — which, I’d argue, is still interesting! Other people are just too busy or private. Recently, a salesperson at CVS whom I approached thought I was hitting on him, and being a religious man and married, he was so offended and freaked out that he demanded I leave the store immediately. As I rushed out of there, pushing my son in his stroller, I actually started to cry.

Sometimes, I have to beg my neighbors, mom friends, or old high-school pals from my Facebook page to anonymously dish with me about their marriages, divorces, or affairs. And almost every week, I post something somewhere on social media, searching for random humans who will document their love and sex lives for me — for no good reason at all other than, perhaps, creative catharsis.

However it plays out, I try to make the experience as easy as possible for the diarists and to handle them with care. I make sure to protect their trust, and above all else, I never judge anything they tell me. When you tell me you’re having an affair, I will assure you that you’re not evil. When you tell me you’re hurting, I will share that I’ve been there too. When you tell me you’re weird, I will tell you that you’re cool as hell. And I will mean it all. Our relationships last only a few days and are driven by very direct questions and blind faith that we won’t lie to each other, then they’re over.

To understand my devotion to this column is to understand how it came to be mine and the freedom it has afforded me over the last eight years. In 2015, I decided to have a baby on my own for a lifetime of reasons you’ll have to buy my book to understand. I had always managed to make a decent living as a freelance writer, but at this point, there was no dependable work coming in, as I’d spent years trying to “break into Hollywood,” which wasn’t happening and slowly crushed me one disappointment after another. But I was pregnant, a marvelous thing, and I had faith that work would take care of itself somehow.

Out of the blue, an editor at The Cut asked me if I wanted to revive the column, which I had never heard of, explaining that it would be a weekly assignment with a steady paycheck. The work didn’t sound easy, but it didn’t sound hard either. Mostly, I saw the column as a gift. From New York, the media crowd, karma, or whatever. And I never stopped looking at it through that prism. Sex Diaries sustained me as I began life as a single mom. It solidified my role at The Cut, where I loved the people. And it gave me some writerly empowerment when I was feeling otherwise unwanted.

Sure, the column stresses me out sometimes. It’s a grind finding diarists every single week. I’ve only skipped two deadlines in all these years, and both were because I had preeclampsia with my pregnancies and was too out of it from the magnesium drip to resume work right away.

In the fall of 2019, we learned that HBO wanted to turn the Sex Diaries column into a docuseries, in which we’d document a week or two in someone’s sex life on film in the same spirit as we do in the column. This was fabulous news. I’d been chasing the TV scene for years, and it felt like this opportunity was another cosmic gift that I would never take for granted. But I knew that in the entertainment business, you had to fight every single day for a seat at the table. I had no reason to believe I’d be pushed out of the project, but I knew that I had to emphasize my value to the docuseries. To anybody who would listen, I said, “Let me handle the casting. You will never be able to cast this without me. No one knows how to find a Sex Diarist like I do.” Did I come across as too aggressive? Who cares! It was true.

So at 44 years old, my work life became unbelievably exciting and excruciatingly hard. My second child was still a baby, still breastfeeding, when we started casting and filming. A month later, COVID hit. Around this time, I got a book deal with a tight deadline and absolutely nowhere to write or think in peace. Politically, the world was burning down. My amazing kids, never amazing sleepers, kept us awake every single night. One of my best friends, the woman who taught me to advocate for myself, died of cancer — I cried for her all night, every night for many months. The weekly column was always due. The Zoom calls for the docuseries took up hours of my day despite the fact that no one even knew when we’d come out of this pandemic let alone feel romantic, sexual, or adventurous again.

Like all working moms, I was tired. But I had to cast this series, as promised. I revisited thousands of diarists I’d worked with throughout the years and asked if they’d be open to doing a diary without any anonymity and with cameras following them. Of course, the response was often “um, yeah, no.” I frantically called friends of friends who had cousins with roommates who were polyamorous, slut-positive, or simply lovestruck. I roamed the city, double-masked and desperate, sleuthing around for anybody who might be interested in talking about the sex they weren’t having with the lovers they weren’t seeing and the lives they weren’t living. I must have slipped into a thousand random DM’s per day, hunting for anybody who would indulge me. Instagram kept blocking my account, which would last only a few hours, thank God. I tracked down New Yorkers who belonged to sex clubs, posted provocative hashtags, or showed any sign that they were creative souls or open books. Our dream was for the cast to mirror an NYC subway car in terms of diversity. Eventually, with the help of the show’s amazing director and producers, we found our stars. Eight New Yorkers agreed to let us film their sex lives. None of them needed any convincing. They were all born for this moment. I did nothing, and they did everything.

Every week for what feels like forever, I’ve buckled down to “do a Sex Diary.” And because of that continuity — the ritual of it all — the column has unintentionally grounded me through the good and the bad. My tears are in those diaries. My hormones are in those diaries. A miscarriage is in those diaries. My childbirths are in those diaries. When I met Sam, my love, I was on deadline. When Biden won or our kids had COVID or we closed on our first house, I always had a diary to tend to.

My diarists have ranged from artists to engineers, sex workers, CEOs, and soccer moms, but they’ve all shared part of their lives with me, and through them, I’ve been afforded a healthy and effervescent work life that defies the drudgery of almost every other job I can imagine. To my mistresses, fuckboys, cougars, pillow princesses, and everyone in between, thank you. And to anyone curious about the column, email me, please.

Complete Article HERE!

What Is Postcoital Dysphoria?

Here’s what you need to know about the after-sex blues.

BY

Sometimes the best part of sex is after sex, when you get to lie around in a postcoital haze (after you pee for UTI-prevention purposes, obviously) and soak up all the just-got-laid vibes—unless sex leaves you feeling absolutely miserable, that is. Have you ever felt random sadness, irritability, or anxiety after an otherwise pleasant sexperience? Maybe the sex was good and you felt fine at first, but then afterward you noticed an overwhelming change in mood. Then, before you knew it, your emotions fully took over to the point where you started crying or froze up completely.

If any of this sounds familiar, then you may have experienced postcoital dysphoria, commonly referred to as “post-sex blues.” And don’t worry babe, you’re very much not alone.

Postcoital dysphoria (sometimes abbreviated PCD) is relatively common, and while we gals may have the monopoly on crying both in and out of bed, it’s not nearly as gender-specific as you might think. According to a 2015 study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 46 percent of the 233 female students surveyed experienced PCD at least once, and a 2019 study found that 41 percent of male students surveyed had experienced it at some point in their lifetime.

“Postcoital dysphoria is when a person experiences feelings of sadness, depression, anxiety or agitation after consensual sex—even if that sex was loving, satisfying, or enjoyable,” says Wendasha Jenkins Hall, PhD, aka the Sensible Sexpert.

It can obviously be pretty disorienting and/or downright scary to get hit with a sudden wave of negative feelings out of nowhere, especially after you’ve just enjoyed a trip to bonetown and would much rather be cuddling with your partner in a state of post-orgasmic bliss. Luckily, if you are someone who experiences the post-sex blues, there are ways to deal. Here’s everything you need to know about postcoital dysphoria, including why it happens and how to keep it from killing your post-sex vibe.

What causes postcoital dysphoria?

Research on what causes postcoital dysphoria is somewhat limited, and it’s not exactly a condition where one size (or reason, rather) fits all. That said, experts do have a few theories on what causes the post-sex blues.

For some, postcoital dysphoria may be linked to other mental health conditions, including anxiety and depression, says Hall, adding that hormonal shifts, particularly after pregnancy, might also be a contributing factor. “The hormonal fluctuations that a pregnant person may experience postpartum or postnatal may cause these feelings of postcoital dysphoria,” she says.

According to Hall, it’s also thought that a history of abuse, “especially childhood sexual abuse,” might be related to some people’s experience of PCD.

“Another reason may be resentment,” she adds. “If a person has a history of emotional, psychological or physical abuse, then they may be more resentful about sex or sexual experiences, especially if they feel they don’t have complete control over these experiences.”

Whatever might be causing your own experience of postcoital dysphoria will depend on your own individual circumstances, obvs. It might be something you can figure out with a therapist, or you might literally just not know what exactly is behind your post-sex blues. Fortunately, no matter what’s causing it, there are ways to cope with PCD when it happens.

What are some techniques to cope with postcoital dysphoria?

An attack of bad vibes after sex can feel random and all consuming, but self-care practices like breathing exercises and meditation might help you deal if you find yourself experiencing negative feelings post-sex.

“I can’t emphasize enough the importance of breath work for any somatic condition such as postcoital dysphoria,” says James Humecky, somatic educator and certified surrogate partner therapist. “Breath brings us back to our bodies. Breath brings awareness. Awareness brings relief.”

If you feel the blues coming on after sex, Humecky suggests following these steps:

  1. Connect to your body by getting comfortable and distraction-free.
  2. Practice diaphragmatic breathing (five seconds inhale, five seconds exhale).
  3. Pay attention to what’s happening within your body at that moment.
  4. Recognize what kind of sensations you’re feeling.
  5. Ask yourself what you need at that exact moment.

Humecky also encourages letting yourself get curious about sensations. Are there any images or colors you can associate with what’s happening on the inside? What adjectives could you use to describe your feelings?

“By welcoming the sensation in, we break the cycle of fear and confusion that surrounds it,” he continues.

Hall adds that self-management techniques for PCD may also look like drawing, taking a warm bath, having your partner bring you your favorite food, or just giving yourself space to clear your head.

How to talk about postcoital dysphoria with your partner

It’s only natural to shut down when you’re dealing with something as difficult and confusing as postcoital dysphoria, but it’s super important to know that you don’t have to go through it alone. Opening up to your partner about what you’re experiencing can actually be extremely helpful in beating the post-sex blues.

“Partnership will yield the most satisfactory and long-lasting results,” Humecky says, adding that while some people may worry their partner will take their PCD personally, honest communication is crucial. Opening up to your partner about what you’re going through is a chance to get closer, and to help you both better understand the (occasionally confusing!) connection between the mind and the body during sex.

Hall recommends explaining to your partner that it isn’t necessarily the sex itself that is causing anxiety, sadness, and depression. It’s possible to genuinely feel pleasured and physically satisfied during sex, yet notice a sudden influx of distressing emotions after sex, all of which may not have anything to do with your relationship or the quality of the sex you’re having.

When to seek professional help

Self-care, post-sex rituals, and self-management techniques can be helpful, but there are times when even those methods aren’t enough. If you find that PCD cannot be managed with deep breathing, meditation, and other self-care practices, or if it’s harming the overall quality of your relationship, then it could be time to seek help from a professional.

“It is important to see a therapist, mental health specialist, or counselor, as what is causing the postcoital dysphoria can be deep-rooted issues, from sexual trauma to general stress and anxiety,” says Hall. “When seeing a counselor, it should not necessarily be about the sex. It should be about the feelings that one is having after sex.”

As with any mental health journey, it’s important not to hold yourself to any specific timeline when navigating PCD, whether you’re doing it on your own or with the help of a professional. It may take a long time to get to the root of your feelings and figure out how to manage them, and that’s okay.

Feeling sad for no reason is obviously not a vibe, especially after sex. But working through postcoital dysphoria is an opportunity to learn more about yourself, and to better understand the (sometimes annoyingly!) complex relationship between your mind, body, and ~feels~. If you’re dealing with a case of the post-sex blues, know that you’re not alone, it is manageable, and you don’t have to let this random attack of bad vibes ruin your sex life. With a little self-care and/or professional help, you can get back to laying around in your regularly scheduled post-sex bliss, promise.

Complete Article HERE!

Sex zoning

— When you’re on the other side of the ‘friend zone’

The friend zone has become such a popular trope that it barely needs explaining.

By

From Ross Geller becoming ‘mayor of the friend zone’ in Friends to pretty much every male rom-com character we’re supposed to root for, the idea of being ‘demoted’ to friend status is a staple in popular culture.

The story usually goes like this: Boy meets girl and falls in love, but doesn’t make his feelings known for years (or even decades) on end. He eventually does, usually because she had the audacity to pursue someone else, and she realises what a sweet, kind man was under her nose all along.

During this predictable journey towards happily ever after, we’re reminded that the romantic lead has been ‘friend zoned’ by the object of their affections. But, if we look from the opposite perspective, it seems more as if the person in the friend zone is the one doing the manipulating.

This plays out in real life too.

Research has shown that a far higher proportion of men feel like they’ve been friend zoned than women, suggesting there’s a gendered aspect to how we view male and female friendship. Men feel negatively towards the ‘just friends’ label and see it as a rejection, while women feel objectified or like their companionship is not valued.

Many of us have experience of the other side of friend zoning – which we’re calling sex zoning – whether it was a friend who was unknowingly after more than friendship or a romantic partner who didn’t make it clear they only wanted a physical relationship.

Where the friend zone implies you’re trapped into being seen solely as a friend, being in the sex zone means being seen as a sex object or conquest and not a whole person.

This can happen in both sexual and non-sexual relationships, particularly in f*** buddy or friends with benefits situations.

You may think someone genuinely cares and listens but, unbeknownst to you, they’re waiting in the wings for the chance to get you into bed. Things that look to you like kind gestures aren’t heartfelt, rather ploys to manipulate your idea of them with a view to a sexual relationship.

Either the relationship fizzles out when the sex zoner gets bored of waiting, their tactics work and you do have sex, or their intentions come to light and you’re left questioning what went wrong.

According to psychotherapist Heather Garbutt, being sex zoned can be devastating for those on the receiving end.

She tells Metro.co.uk: ‘If you have been sex zoned, you’re probably feeling pretty used. You won’t feel very emotionally connected in a healthy way, but more likely to be trying harder and harder to be of value to the other person.

‘Generally, the more you give, the less you will receive back and the less you will be respected. This pattern empties out anything meaningful in the relationship.

‘You are likely to feel very lonely and it can even create feelings of desperation. None of this is good for your self-esteem.’

The damaging impact of sex zoning, as with most relationship problems, can be avoided with better communication. Unfortunately, it needs to be honest, two-way communication, so you’re relying on your date or friend doing their part.

Heather suggests being clear with your own expectations to remove any ambiguity from conversations.

‘Ask yourself if this is what you want? What are you looking for in life?’ she says. ‘If you were looking for a long term committed relationship, wasting time on anything less it is of no use to you whatsoever.’

She adds: ‘If your self esteem is such that you think this is the best you can get, then I can tell you now, that is patently not true. Don’t settle for anything less than what you want.’

Signs you’ve been sex zoned

  • They always steer the conversation to something sexual
  • They don’t seem to really be listening to you or taking in what you say
  • They’re no longer friendly or kind towards you when you’re in a relationship
  • They’re no longer friendly or kind towards you when they’re in a relationship
  • They react negatively towards your romantic partners
  • They hint to or joke about being attracted to you, but don’t make their feelings clear
  • They fish for compliments or do nice things for you and expect something in return
  • They act as if they have ownership over you, often disguised as ‘being protective’
  • If they do proposition you sexually and are rebuffed, they no longer seem to be as interested in you

That isn’t to say that someone desiring you physically is a red flag. Some may want no strings attached fun, and it’s only if they’re disingenuous or dehumanising towards you that it becomes an issue.

Heather says: ‘There are lots of influences in our culture that cause us to centre around physical attraction and chemistry. It is still a status symbol to be in a relationship with somebody who is good looking.

‘If your ego is such that this is the level that you are working on, you may need to do some work on yourself too. It is not likely to get to you a very satisfying relationship.’

Sex zoning perpetuates the idea that friendship is some sort of booby prize, as well as misogynistic stereotypes that men only want sex and women are only valuable for their sexuality.

If you see that happening in your relationships – whether you’re the sex zoner or the sex zonee – it’s worth exploring the root cause.

Heather says: ‘As human beings we are ever evolving and sometimes, previous generations – parents and grandparents – were not always as emotionally expressive as we would like them to have been.

‘If they were emotionally unavailable, we are likely to look for somebody who is equally emotionally unavailable. If the person we are attracted to is very much concerned about physical appearance, are they unhealthily vain at your expense? Be careful to ensure you are not giving away your power and self-respect.’

Once you’ve worked out exactly what you want from a partner, you can move forward ensuring you’ve effectively communicated that, free of worry about misrepresenting your needs or having to play a guessing game.

‘It is always better to create a relationship with someone you feel at home with on an emotional level,’ adds Heather. ‘Someone with whom you can be yourself, in whom you can trust to have your back and feel as loved as you are loving.’

Next time you go to use the phrase ‘just friends’, perhaps think about why we downplay mixed gender friendships.

Is it really so bad to be friends with someone, or are you just sex zoning them and dismissing what they bring to the table?

Complete Article HERE!

What to know about managing sexual frustration

Sexual frustration describes a state of irritation, agitation, or stress resulting from sexual inactivity or dissatisfaction. There are many possible causes of this sensation, and it can manifest differently from person to person. Individuals experiencing sexual frustration may benefit from finding other outlets for releasing their sexual energies.

by Rachel Ann Tee-Melegrito

Sexual frustration is a natural response that many people experience at one time or another. It refers to an imbalance between a person’s sexual desires and their reality. Some people assume sexual frustration only applies to those with a high sex drive. However, it occurs in anyone whose sexual arousal is not met with sufficient activity, leading to tension.

Sexual behavior is a complex human endeavor that can affect physical and mental well-being. While sexual frustration can present differently among individuals, it can cause negative health effects and lead to anger, recklessness, anxiety, and depression.

In this article, we explore the concept of sexual frustration, the possible signs, how it can impact health, and how individuals can manage this condition.

Many people view sexual experiences as an essentialTrusted Source aspect of their quality of life. Having unmet sexual desires may lead to feelings of discontent. Sexual frustration does not refer to a person’s libido. Instead, it describes a person being unable to satisfy the sexual arousal they are experiencing.

Sexual frustration is a common experience, and it can affect many people regardless of age, gender, sexuality, and relationship status. Many factors can contribute to this sensation, including sexual inactivity, sexual dissatisfaction, or sexual dysfunction.

There are no known health conditions associated with sexual frustration. A 2018 surveyTrusted Source found that “sexless” Americans report similar levels of happiness as their sexually active counterparts.

However, a 2021 study indicates that sexual frustration may increase the risk of violence, aggression, and crime. Restrained sexual behaviors may also negatively affect a person’s efficiency at work, according to a 2016 study.

Evidence suggests an association between sexual and mental health. A 2020 studyTrusted Source notes an association between sexual dissatisfaction and depressive symptoms and lower rates of mental well-being.

A person experiencing sexual frustration may also begin displaying reckless behaviors. In an attempt to satisfy their sexual urges, a person may engage in riskier sexual activitiesTrusted Source, which could lead to unintentional health outcomes such as sexually transmitted infection (STI) and unintended pregnancy.

It may be easy for people to experience stress and tension in other areas of life and attribute them to sexual frustration. A person can begin by assessing their current mood. If they are primarily projecting negative emotions and there is no obvious nonsexual cause, then it may relate to sexual frustration.

Potential symptoms and behaviors that could stem from or connect to sexual frustration can include:

  • feeling irritable, restless, and edgy
  • experiencing rejection from recent sexual advances
  • feeling less confident or less interested in sex
  • having less sex, masturbating less, or both
  • having sexual expectations that partners are unable to fulfill
  • performing riskier behaviors to fulfill sexual desires
  • feeling too stressed or tired to have sex or masturbate, even when there is a desire to do so
  • arguing with a partner more often and steering arguments back to the topic of sex
  • engaging in unhealthy coping behaviors such as binge eating or drinking
  • frequently fantasizing or daydreaming about sex
  • watching porn or movies with many intimate scenes

There are many potential reasons for sexual frustration. These could include a lack of sex, unsatisfactory sex, or the inability to achieve orgasm. Understanding the cause may help a person resolve potential issues.

Lack of sexual partners

A person may be ready for sex but lack a partner. They may be single or in a long-distance relationship, or they may have a partner who does not want to — or cannot — have sex with them at the moment.

Unmet expectations

A sexual partner may impose impossible standards, criticize sexual performance, or want to engage in undesired activities. All of these behaviors may contribute to a person experiencing feelings of frustration, shame, and self-blame.

Poor communication

In some cases, the frustration may stem from an inability to communicateTrusted Source sexual needs or expectations.

Some individuals may not be sexually compatible and may have sizable differences in their sex drives. Openly communicating about their desires may enable sexual partners to negotiate and discuss ways to meet each other’s needs. This can help people become more attuned to their partner’s needs and facilitate more satisfying sex.

Medical conditions

A 2016 studyTrusted Source suggests that people with poorer health report lower sexual satisfaction. Poor health and health-related changes such as pregnancy, childbirth, recent surgery, and illness may prevent a person from engaging in sex, which can cause their partner to be frustrated.

Other medical conditions that may result in sexual problems include:

Moreover, taking certain medications, such as antidepressants, opioids, birth control pills, and beta-blockers, can negatively affect a person’s libido.

Body image issues

A 2018 study indicates that females with genital self-image issues were less likely to engage in vaginal sex. Similarly, a 2017 studyTrusted Source notes that men’s negative attitudes about their genitals also had a direct, negative effect on their sexual satisfaction. As such, they may experience some level of sexual inhibition.

If a person believes they are experiencing sexual frustration, they may wish to consider other outlets to help release their pent-up sexual energies. This may include:

  • Focusing on health: A person who meets their nonsexual requirements, such as nutrition and sleep, can better focus on meeting their sexual needs.
  • Masturbation: Self-stimulation can help a person release their pent-up physical and mental tension while benefitting from the same hormones released during sex.
  • Connect with friends: People are social creatures and may experience touch starvation that is nonsexual in nature. Meeting with friends may ease a person’s physical cravings for nonsexual intimacy.
  • Exercising: Physical activities can be an excellent way to release energy and also help boost a person’s mood.
  • Initiate sex: People in long-term relationships tend to have less spontaneous sex. A person can initiate sex by simply verbalizing their desire. Even a simple nudge or gesture can be enough to instigate intercourse.
  • Virtual sex: Individuals who cannot be with a partner can explore sexting, video sex, or phone sex. Sending each other nudes can help create feelings of intimacy despite the distance.
  • Communication: Openly expressing sexual needs and desires can help avoid dissatisfaction. A person can show their partner what they enjoy, voice their exact preferences, and plan how to spice things up.
  • Dating: People who wish to enter a relationship or engage in casual sex can use apps, dating sites, and other means to connect with other individuals.
  • Explore and add variety: People can explore their own bodies and their partner’s, use sex toys, and try new positions.
  • Channel the energy elsewhere: Volunteering, beginning a creative project, attending social events, visiting family and friends, or learning a new skill can be good ways to take a person’s mind off sex.
  • Listen to music: Music can improve a person’s mood and ease their frustration, even if they cannot get the sexual need they want at the moment.
  • Take medications: Sometimes, sexual frustration stems from a person’s sexual performance issues, such as erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation. Receiving treatment for these can help improve a person’s sexual experience and reduce frustration.

A 2017 studyTrusted Source of sexual satisfaction in relationships found that males report more significant sexual distress due to their sexual problems, with the highest distress ratings being among older adults. In contrast, females report greater sexual satisfaction. Moreover, the study, which looked primarily at heterosexual couples, reported the following partner effects:

  • Greater sexual distress among male partners causes lower satisfaction in females.
  • Males who find a greater sexual desire discrepancy between themselves and their partners also report lower satisfaction.
  • The more significant the female’s sexual function, the greater the male partner’s sexual satisfaction is.

In a related 2015 studyTrusted Source, researchers found a discrepancy between a person’s reported sexual dissatisfaction and sexual dysfunction and those perceived by their spouses. The study found that partners were less likely to accurately perceive male sexual problems than female sexual problems.

A 2020 study notes that bisexual people are more dissatisfied with their sex lives than their heterosexual counterparts.

Sexual satisfaction is associated with relationship stability and healthy relationships. A 2018 study suggests that having high sexual satisfaction early in the relationship protects against declines in relationship satisfaction for over 20 years.

A 2019 review notes that a set of intrapersonal, interpersonal, and environmental factors can affect the health of marital relationships. Sexual relationships, along with constructive relationships and communication skills, fall under interpersonal factors in this study.

If a person’s sexual frustrations begin to affect other areas of their life, they may consider speaking with an expert.

Regardless of their relationship status, a person can consult a sex therapist for their concerns about sex, body image, intimacy, sexual shame, and sexual frustration. These experts can help individuals express their needs and fantasies and reconcile their mismatched sexual drives with sexual partners.

Sexual frustration relates to dissatisfaction with sexual experience due to a disparity between sexual desires and reality. It can involve a variety of causes and may manifest differently between individuals. People can take measures both personally and with a partner to overcome these sensations of disconnect and instead encourage a sense of fulfillment.

Complete Article HERE!

The Limits of Sex Positivity

American culture still treats disinterest in sex as something that needs to be fixed. What if any amount of desire—including none—was okay?

By Angela Chen

For more than half a century, the modern industry of sex therapists, educators, and experts has been eager to tell us whether we’re having enough sex, or the right kind of sex. But this industry is, like any other, shaped by the broader culture—it took for granted that the goal was to “get everybody to the point where they have a type of desire and quality of desire that fits within the cultural norms and values,” the sex therapist and researcher Michael Berry says. Decades ago that meant: straight, monogamous, within marriage, private, nothing too kinky.

As American culture has become more expansive in its understanding of sexuality, so has sex therapy. But this kind of sex positivity often doesn’t leave room for those who don’t want sex at all. The prevailing idea remains that, as Berry puts it, “if people are coming to see a sex therapist, the intent would be to get them to have sex.”

Even in the midst of a “sex recession,” the idea that healthy adults naturally are and should be sexual remains embedded in everything from dating “rules” to medical dramas. Disinterest in having sex is considered a problem that needs to be solved—and this idea can harm everyone who is told they don’t want enough.


When some of sex educator Ev’Yan Whitney’s clients told her during their first sessions that they might be asexual, Whitney was skeptical. She knew the definition of asexual—a person who does not experience sexual attraction—but didn’t think that it fit most clients. She would never dispute anyone’s identity, but she thought other factors were likely to be at play.

Whitney grew up in a religious environment, where the only discussion of sex was an explanation of anatomy and she was expected to remain a virgin until marriage. Then, as a sex educator, she often heard from her peers that “liberated” people wanted a lot of sex—which made her ashamed because, well, she didn’t want a lot. For years, Whitney tried to “fix” her low desire by reading sex-advice books, which told her to be confident, wear lingerie, and keep saying yes to sex she didn’t want in order to activate the lusty goddess within. Her own experience with cultural hang-ups made Whitney sensitive to how they might affect clients, and led her to believe that if a client had, like her, absorbed a rigid view of sexuality, they might mistakenly think they were asexual, or “ace.”

Today, this attitude “is something I feel some guilt over,” Whitney says. “Looking back, many clients seemed pretty damn ace.” Whitney can recognize that now because she has realized something else: that she herself is on the ace spectrum.

Whitney reached out to me after reading my book and recognizing her experience in my descriptions of my own asexuality. That personal reckoning was accompanied by a professional one. It made her question whether being asexual was compatible with being a sex educator.

The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT), a certifying body, includes asexuality in its curriculum as part of a broad “core knowledge area” covering sexual orientation and gender identity, but trainees are not required to study asexuality aside from that overview. Several sex therapists and therapists-in-training interviewed for this article (both AASECT-certified and not) said they did not receive detailed information about asexuality in their training. “One of the reasons we don’t get super specific about exactly what people need to know is that the minute we pin that down, more research will enter the field and our definition will be outdated,” said Joli Hamilton, who helps AASECT determine its educational curriculum. “And, as you know, the wheels of systems grind slowly.”

Whitney, who educated herself in part by finding resources online, told me that most of the information she found about asexuality was clinical and confusing. It did not explain that asexuality exists on a spectrum, that some ace people want and enjoy sex for reasons unrelated to sexual attraction to any given person, and that asexuality and low desire overlap but are not the same.

Plus, plenty of people have low desire, and not all of them are asexual. In many relationships with a libido mismatch, the lower-desire partner believes that they are solely to blame. And feelings of being broken and “wrong” can be present even for those who don’t have a partner. When notions of health and normality require the desire to have sex, it can be hard to untangle cultural pressure from what is right for you.


Ruth, a civil servant in Ireland, was 28 when she decided to see a sex therapist. As she approached 30, she felt strong pressure from her family to marry and have children, but had never had a serious boyfriend. (Ruth requested that I use her first name only so she could speak candidly about sex therapy.)

Ruth had, in fact, fallen in love with a woman but felt no sexual attraction toward her, so she continued forcing herself to date men. “The reason I had pushed myself into situations with men, including one that was really unsafe, was because I was trying so desperately to flick the switch of straightness,” Ruth told me.

Her experience didn’t make sense, to others or to herself. Her sister joked that she had “Prince Charming syndrome” and was waiting for somebody perfect. Everyone around her knew what she should want, and Ruth tried to want that too. “I hoped that I could be fixed,” Ruth said. “I hoped that I’d somehow be able to feel the way you’re ‘supposed’ to feel. I was waiting for those feelings to come, for this magical experience when suddenly everything would fit into place.”

Her sex therapist asked Ruth whether she was attracted to, say, Brad Pitt, and Ruth said yes because she thought he was handsome. This kind of aesthetic attraction is different from sexual attraction, but Ruth hadn’t yet figured that out (and her therapist may not have known the difference). Ruth remembers that the therapist seemed very sure what she needed: to keep going on dates, putting herself out there, and to not be so shy. So Ruth took the advice and signed up for dating apps.

A few sessions later, Ruth ended the counseling relationship. Afterward, she kept to herself for about a year, both obsessing over the experience and trying to avoid thinking about it—until she happened to see an article about an asexual couple. The way they spoke about themselves resonated with her, and she wondered if she might be asexual as well. To test her theory, Ruth went on a date to observe what she felt. The date confirmed what she suspected. A couple of weeks later, she told a friend she was ace.

Discovering asexuality and the ace community came with feelings of relief and permission, and also sadness that the option had not been presented before. Ruth had only ever been told that she should find a way to want the “right thing.” What she was never told was this: Having sex is not inherently better than not having sex if someone doesn’t want it.


A question hangs in the background of these stories. It’s one that Martha Kauppi, a sex therapist and the founder of the Institute for Relational Intimacy, is frequently asked: How can I tell whether a client is asexual or whether something else—something that can be solved—is causing the disinterest?

Aces ask ourselves this, too, because of course a wide variety of factors can affect how sexual attraction and sexual desire are experienced. It can take a long time and a lot of self-knowledge to realize that the answer is often not cut-and-dried—that you can be anxious and also be asexual, that you can have OCD and also be asexual. That, as in Whitney’s case, you can have sexual shame from a conservative upbringing, work through that, and still be asexual. That experimenting and trying to raise your desire level are okay if you want to, but that you don’t have to keep trying just because others say you must. That experts can be wrong and you can be right.

It seems that many well-meaning therapists who learn about asexuality adopt a two-part framework: If someone is ace, leave them alone; if someone is not, encourage them to have more sex. In the end, this framework misses the forest for the trees. Whether disinterest in sex is because of asexuality or not actually doesn’t matter, because it’s not wrong. You can have a good life without sex. More important than categorizing clients is starting from a place where everyone is okay.

Kauppi’s approach is not to focus on cause, or to diagnose or label, or to tease out the asexuality/low-desire distinction. She instead works with the client to envision the many possibilities of a happy life, including a happy life without sexual desire or sexual attraction or sex at all. “I’m not going to just assume that you’d be a happier person if you wanted sex. That’s ridiculous,” Kauppi told me. The key is to figure out what clients truly want versus what they think they should want, and then keep digging. “Sometimes, people will say, ‘I wish sex were on my list but it’s not,’” Kauppi said, “and I would say, ‘Well, it’s interesting that you wish it were. I’m curious to know what that’s about.’”

Some people decide that they’re fine the way they are. Others decide that they do want to cultivate desire—the difference is that it no longer feels like something they must do in order to be “normal.” And accepting all levels of desire doesn’t mean ignoring the stresses that a desire discrepancy can cause in relationships. For couples, the purpose of sex therapy that doesn’t pathologize low desire isn’t to hide the conflict or to blame the higher-desire partner instead. It’s to acknowledge that two people will always have different wants but no one is at fault, and to see what compromise is possible from there.

Such an approach has made a big difference for Lisa, a library associate in Washington, D.C., (who uses she/they pronouns and requested that I use their first name only). Lisa says their sex therapist never tries to dispute their asexuality but does help them work on the challenges that can come with being ace: how to bring up asexuality with people they’re dating, how to become more comfortable with different kinds of touch that they do want, how to talk about consent in a helpful and intuitive way.


Although awareness has increased around asexuality as an orientation, discussions often lack depth or nuance. Furthermore, sexuality experts are still only beginning to challenge the broader idea that not wanting sex is a problem. “If I’m completely honest,” Ev’Yan Whitney told me, “in my work, I’ve never explicitly said or felt safe to claim that, actually, I experience sex in a different way. I do have low desire.” Playing into others’ perceptions felt necessary in order to be respected as a sex educator, even though Whitney felt frustrated by the tone of many sexuality events, which she describes as: “To masturbate, do this; to have a better orgasm, use this yoni egg, try this warming lube.”

Over time, Whitney developed a framework that prioritizes sensuality for its own sake (and not as a means to penetrative sex) and that focuses on the desire someone actually has, not what they are supposed to have. Though she feels guilty about not presenting asexuality as an option to past clients, she hopes she still helped them by moving them away from sex tips that were goal-oriented without questioning the value of the goal.

Now that Whitney knows herself better, she wants to be an example of a sex educator who advocates for a more expansive understanding of desire and connection. She’s excited to talk with other educators and with clients about being an ace person who does have sex, about having low desire and still feeling good in her body, and about not caring what “caused” her to be this way. “I kind of want to make people confused a little bit,” she says.

Sexuality is complicated, multifaceted, and often shifting. Activists and educators have shaped culture so that options beyond straight, monogamous, vanilla sex feel more acceptable. But true sexual freedom must both celebrate consensual sex for those who want it and avoid pathologizing those who are not interested. This means allowing people to experiment without making sexual attraction or desire a requirement for health or happiness or a good life. For sexuality experts, understanding and accepting lack of desire should be as worthwhile a project as cultivating desire. Nobody is frigid; nobody is broken.

Complete Article HERE!

Why some straight men have sex with other men

Sexual encounters with men do not affect how these straight men perceive their identity.

By

Sexual identities and sexual behaviours don’t always match because sexuality is multidimensional. Many people recognize sexual fluidity, and some even identify as “mostly straight.”

Fewer people know that some men and women have same-sex encounters, yet nonetheless perceive themselves as exclusively straight. And these people are not necessarily “closeted” gays, lesbians or bisexuals.

When a closeted gay or bisexual man has sex with another man, he views that sex as reflecting his secret identity. He is not open about that identity, likely because he fears discrimination. When a straight man has sex with another man, however, he views himself as straight despite his sex with men.

In my book, Still Straight: Sexual Flexibility among White Men in Rural America, I investigate why some men who identify as straight have sex with other men. Large nationally representative surveys show that hundreds of thousands of straight American men — at least — have had sex with two or more other men. This finding represents a disconnect between identity and behaviour, and researchers from around the world – in the United States, Australia and the U.K. – have studied this topic.

It involves two related but separate issues: first, why men identify as straight if they have sex with other men, and second, why straight men would have sex with other men in the first place.

Skirting around cheating

As part of my research, I spoke with 60 straight men who have sex with other men, and specifically looked at men in rural areas and small towns. The majority of men I interviewed were primarily attracted to women, not men. So why would they have sex with other men?

My findings revealed several reasons as to why straight men have sex with other men. Several men explained that their marriages did not have as much sex as they wanted, and while they wanted to remain married, they also wanted to have more sex. Extramarital sex with men, to them, helped relieve their sexual needs without threatening their marriages.

Tom, a 59-year-old from Washington, explained: “I kind of think of it as, I’m married to a nun.” He continued: “For me, being romantic and emotional is more cheating than just having sex.” And Ryan, a 60-year-old from Illinois, felt similarly. He said: “Even when I have an encounter now, I’m not cheating on her. I wouldn’t give up her for that.”

These men felt as though extramarital sex with women would negatively affect their marriages, whereas extramarital sex with men was not as much of an issue. Most men had not told their wives about their extramarital sex, however.

Legs together in bed
Straight men who have sex with other men are not necessarily closeted, because they do genuinely see themselves as heterosexual.

Identities reflect sexual, nonsexual aspects of life

In order to answer why men would identify as straight despite having sex with other men, it’s important to know that sexual identities indicate how people perceive the sexual and nonsexual aspects of their lives. Connor, a 43-year-old from Oregon, noted:

“I think there’s a definite disconnect between gay and homosexual. There’s the homosexual community, which isn’t a community, there’s the homosexual proclivity, and then the gay community. It’s like you can be an athlete without being a jock. And you can be homosexual without being gay, or into all of it. It just becomes so politically charged now.”

The men I talked to identified as straight because they felt that this identity best reflected their romantic relationships with women, their connections to heterosexual communities or the way they understood their masculinity. Straight identification also, of course, meant that they avoided discrimination. They felt that sex with men was irrelevant to their identities given every other part of their lives.

Living in small towns and in more rural settings also shaped how the men perceived themselves. Larry, 37, from Wyoming explained: “I would say straight because that best suits our cultural norms around here.” Most of the men I talked to were happy with their lives and identities, and they did not want to identify as gay or bisexual — not when people asked them, and not to themselves.

It may come as a surprise, but internalized homophobia was not a major reason the men I spoke to identified as straight. Most supported equal legal rights for lesbians, gays and bisexuals. Other research also shows that, on average, straight men who have sex with men are not any more homophobic than other straight men. Additionally, while most men knew bisexual is a valid identity, they felt that bisexual did not describe their identity because they were only romantically interested in women.

Many factors beyond sexual attractions or behaviours shape sexual identification, including social contexts, romantic relationships and beliefs about masculinity and femininity, among others. Straight men who have sex with other men are not necessarily closeted, because they do genuinely see themselves as heterosexual.

Sexual encounters with men simply do not affect how they perceive their identity.

Complete Article HERE!

Why It’s Just a Myth That Longer Sex Equals Better Sex

By Mary Grace Garis

Sexual stamina is something that’s long been held in high regard—after all, nobody writes R&B songs about making love for the duration of the Parks and Recreation theme song. With that in mind, the goal of sex is, apparently, doing it all night long. But for many vulva-owners, the constant in-out, in-out of vaginally penetrative sex can be tedious or even painful. So, how long should sex be, ideally?

The short answer is that according to sexperts, it depends. “The exact length of sex play is really up to you,” says Donna Oriowo, PhD, a sex therapist in SimplePractice‘s network. “Are you going for a quickie, or are you in for a long, passion-filled night? Depending on which way you’re going, how much time you take [to climax] will vary. Be sure to be present in your body—it will tell you when you’ve had enough.”

If you do want to put a time parameter on how long should sex be, though, you could go by how long it takes to climax during P-in-V sex, in particular. While data varies and is hugely personal, a main directive is to keep the orgasm gap in mind.

A 2020 study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that it takes 14 minutes for vulva-owners in relationships (which, for the purposes of this study were heterosexual and partnered relationships) to orgasm during penetrative sex, which included additional maneuvers and positions. Compare this to the average time it takes for penis-owners to ejaculate, which research has noted to be on average between five and seven minutes, and it’s clear that folks who have different anatomy have different needs for how long sex should be.

That said, for a vulva-owner, penetration alone is rarely what leads to orgasm, so penetrative sex doesn’t necessarily mean better sex. In fact, it can often mean the exact opposite—especially if you’re unprepared.

“When you’re not prepared for an ‘all-nighter,’ that’s when you can really cause the vagina some real pain, agitating micro tears, which then causes the vagina to need some days of recovery time.” —sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, sexologist

“[Even though the] vagina is incredibly durable, it’s important to know that if you want to go ‘all night long,’ you have the lube to take you through it,” says Marla Renee Stewart, sexologist for adult-wellness brand and retailer Lovers. “When you’re not prepared for an ‘all-nighter,’ that’s when you can really cause the vagina some real pain, agitating micro tears, which then causes the vagina to need some days of recovery time.”

But what about the other side of things? Is it possible to have sex that’s way too short? Well, if a person involved suffers from premature ejaculation—which is characterized by reaching climax in a minute or less after stimulation or penetration—length of time for sex does matter.

“Duration is important when it becomes a problem—when the desired duration is not achieved due to an involuntary lack of ejaculatory control,” says Patricia López Trabajo, founder CEO of Myhixel, an ejaculation-control device. “This can lead to frustration, insecurity, or lack of self-esteem and can be a handicap to having better sex and more fun in bed.”

In this situation of sex that’s not long enough, there are many options for being able to troubleshoot. One is simply to expand one’s definition of what sex is—because in general, it shouldn’t be defined as limited to P-in-V. “Sex is more than just intercourse; sexual intimacy is everything that happens before, during, and after the act, and it depends on the connection between the people involved,” says López Trabajo.

If premature ejaculation is a reason why your sexual play ends early, there are also strategies to try that can help. Myhixel TR ($239) is a therapy device with a companion app that “trains” a penis owner to last longer. And in a pinch, something like Promescent Desensitizing Delay Spray ($25) can decrease stimulation intensity and lengthen the time to ejaculation.

Ultimately, though, the experts agree that sex is over whenever the participants want it to be over, not when one or both parties climax (or don’t). And if you’re looking to wrap things up, it’s okay to express that. Sometimes, someone is so eager to please their partner that they actually need to hear some variation of, “I’m all good.”

“If they have reached their climax and you haven’t but you’re still done, it’s okay to say something like ‘hmmm, I’m satisfied,’” Dr. Oriowo says. “Sometimes we spend too much time thinking about the orgasm instead of sexual fulfillment of satisfaction. On the other hand, if neither of you have reached a climax, but you’re done, switch gears in another sexy way.”

Dr. Oriowo suggests that you can let them know you would like to watch them finish up. Stewart also suggests dirty talking your partner to orgasm. There’s a lot of ways to play, so feel free to follow your intuition… or just say “time’s up,” if your clock has truly run out.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

How lockdown changed the sex lives of young adults – new research

By &

Lockdown significantly affected our health (for good and bad), our work and how we socialise. These consequences have been widely discussed, but far less attention has been given to the effect on our sex lives.

When lockdown came into force in the UK in March 2020, people from outside the same household were not allowed to meet indoors, and only at set distances outdoors. This meant that sex between people who didn’t live together was effectively criminalised.

In some ways, these restrictions disproportionately affected young adults, who are more likely than older adults to be exploring their sexuality and developing romantic relationships. But the impact of lockdown on people’s sexual desires and sex lives and how this affected their sense of wellbeing was not known. We decided to find out.

For our study, we surveyed 565 people aged 18-32 in the UK at the end of peak lockdown restrictions in May 2020. People were recruited using a survey recruitment site. They were a convenience sample, meaning they were people who were easily available rather than representative of the population as a whole.

Respondents were asked if they engaged in a list of sexual activities both before lockdown and during lockdown. This included intercourse, solo masturbation, and watching pornography. They were also asked to rate their health and wellbeing.

The number of respondents who engaged in each of these activities during lockdown decreased compared with before lockdown. The biggest decrease was for sex with a partner, with just over a quarter of respondents stopping this activity during lockdown (25.5%).

For those participants who continued to engage in sexual activities, we also asked whether the frequency increased or decreased during the period. There were both increases and decreases. Regarding increases, just over a quarter (26%) of people masturbated more often on their own, 20% reported having more intercourse with their partner, and 20% reported watching more pornography on their own.

Yet the same three sexual activities also decreased in frequency for some participants, with a third of people having less sex with their partner, a quarter masturbating alone less, and around a fifth (22%) watching less pornography alone.

People were more likely to report increases in sexual activity if they were male, in a serious relationship, and if they weren’t heterosexual.

We also investigated sexual desire. In our sample, women reported lower sexual desire than men overall, with a significant decrease in sexual desire during lockdown compared with before lockdown. Women with a greater enjoyment of casual sex reported a greater perceived effect of lockdown on their wellbeing.

Our findings, which are published in the Journal of Sex Research, support other reports into the effects of lockdown restrictions. Lockdown measures have disproportionately affected some groups more than others. The reported increase in domestic chores and stress for women during the lockdown may explain the decrease in sexual desire and the negative effect on wellbeing.

Moving out of lockdown

There are many health benefits, both physical and mental, to engaging in regular sexual activity. Sex can be an important component of people’s lives and their identity, particularly for sexual minorities.

There are other concerns about COVID-19 and sexuality. Most sexual health and reproductive services in the UK have been severely limited or closed. There is evidence that access to condoms and contraception was disrupted for young adults during social lockdown.

Some sexual health charities have been offering home testing kits of sexually transmitted infection screenings, but there will be people who do not or cannot use these services. Similarly, there is evidence that birth rates have dropped significantly over the year, which might lead to an associated large increase in births over the next 12 months once people see some stability returning to their lives.

As the UK follows the road map out of lockdown, it is important to consider how those whose sex lives have been restricted will respond to the extra freedom. It has been suggested that we could see a new “roaring 20s” as we return to a new sense of normality.

Government policy ignored sex during lockdown. It needs to actively support sexual health and wellbeing as we return to some kind of normality.

Complete Article HERE!

Sexually Frustrated?

How To Deal, Whether You’re Single Or In A Relationship

by Farrah Daniel

Anyone can experience sexual frustration from time to time, but it’s important to learn how to cope with the tension when sex is inaccessible, you’re not having the kind you want, or otherwise.

What is sexual frustration?

“Sexual frustration is dissatisfaction with one’s sex life and can be due to quantity or quality issues,” board-certified sexologist Jessica Cline, MSW, Ph.D., tells mbg. You could have frequent sex and still be sexually frustrated, or the tension arises because you feel you don’t have enough of it or your needs don’t get met.

While sexual frustration and horniness can intersect and share some similarities, they’re not the same. “Horny is the desire or arousal for sexual activity and can have more of a positive tone, as culturally we use the term to imply we are turned on,” Cline explains. You can be horny but not sexually frustrated, though being horny with unmet sexual needs can easily cause frustration.

Sexual frustration isn’t a medical diagnosis. Anyone can experience this common sensation, so no one’s alone in the struggle.

If you’re in a funk and being short with your partner when you communicate, it might not be because of a bad day at work—you could be sexually frustrated.

Below are some potential indicators of sexual frustration. While none of these behaviors definitively mean someone is sexually frustrated, they can be common behaviors for someone who’s dealing with sexual frustration.

  1. Checking out mentally
  2. Constant arguing in a relationship 
  3. Living vicariously through friends’ sex life
  4. Engaging in unhealthy coping skills (i.e., binge eating or drinking)
  5. Frequently asking a partner about or for sex
  6. Increased display of physical touch and bids for connection
  7. Impatience
  8. Increased consumption of porn
  9. Irritability
  10. Leading any topic or argument back to sex
  11. Restlessness and trouble sleeping 
  12. Frequently fantasizing about sex
  13. Seeing only the negative in your partner
  14. Starting fights for no reason or magnifying minor issues

What causes the frustration?

People typically experience sexual frustration because of lackluster sexual connections, low libido, or dissatisfaction with the quality of their sex life. Still, there are myriad reasons that create the building blocks of this natural feeling.

Lack of partners

The most obvious cause of sexual frustration is simply not having anyone to have sex with. You may be ready and available for sex, but finding a sex partner can be a lengthy and frustrating process. “Many people feel very awkward and uncomfortable with online dating and are unsure how to meet people IRL,” Sweet notes. Because of that, she says loneliness can cause sexual frustration.

Poor communication

“While negotiating sex is an important part of relationships, people don’t always know how to communicate what they need, which can be very frustrating,” explains sex-positive psychotherapist Ashley D. Sweet, M.A., LPC, LMHC, CCRC.

Sweet believes that because American society doesn’t teach young adults how to negotiate and talk about sex and desire comfortably, “Those young folks grow into old folks who find themselves older and more experienced but still without the skills to effectively communicate about sex.”

Without communication, sexual needs can go ignored or unmet. “At some point, one may stop initiating and give up, which often results in a sexless relationship,” shares Cline, “and those people can often end up in my office.”

Our physical wiring

The benefits of sex and a healthy sex drive extend way beyond pleasure and mind-blowing orgasms. Sex is also great for our physical health, says Cline, and it’s a great stress-reducer. Plus, “Sex can lower blood pressure, reduce pain, improve sleep, and improve heart health.”

Without this rejuvenating and restorative physical experience—whether because of a dry spell, discontentment with your partner, or poor health—it makes sense for your body to feel out of tune and tense as pent-up energy continues to build.

Our emotional wiring;

We’re sexual beings, which means pleasure and desire are our birthrights, says Sweet. In Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, sex is in the same category as food and water, showing that many people experience sex as a vital and baseline need. “When we can’t get our sexual needs met, this can be frustrating,” she says, especially because of the importance of connection to the human experience.

According to Cline, people crave connection emotionally and psychologically, even if they’re bad at it. “To be without connection in our lives goes against our wiring.”

Commoditizing sex

Unhealthy perspectives on sex also contribute to sexual frustration “Thoughts like ‘I should be having more sex,’ or ‘someone should give me more sex,'” for example, are a big culprit, says urologist and life coach Kelly Casperson, M.D.

“I think sometimes people believe they deserve to have their sexual desires met by a partner,” shares Sweet. Often, this belief stems from their upbringing, society, gender roles, religion, past partners, “or straight-up selfishness.”

There are other ways that commoditizing sex leads to sexual frustration, too. In fact, Casperson says some people use sex as a vehicle for self-esteem. “Someone may become reliant on sex as an external reward—i.e., boosting self-image—and may never feel satisfied due to the internal work that needs to be done.”

Medical barriers

Many medical issues can lead to a lowered sex drive and impede your ability to have sex or orgasm, which can naturally make a person feel sexually frustrated.

Some conditions that can decrease libido include:

  • Anxiety
  • Chronic pain and diseases
  • Depression
  • Genital discomfort
  • Hormone imbalances
  • Sexual dysfunction disorders that inhibit the expression of sexuality through desire and interest, arousal, and ability to orgasm
  • Stress
  • Side effects of medications (i.e., blood pressure medication, beta-blockers, antipsychotics, or opioids)

On the other hand, some medical issues increase sexual desire, which can also cause frustration. “Always being aroused can be a medical condition called persistent arousal disorder, in which someone is in a constant state of arousal, even after orgasm,” shares Cline.

What to do about it.

The tension of sexual frustration can pass naturally, so the easiest way to deal with being sexually frustrated is to simply wait it out. There are also plenty of outlets to help you relieve that energy, like exercise and meditation.

“Sexual frustration is a form of stress, so stress management techniques that work for other forms of stress likely apply here,” explains Sweet. “In the therapy work, we call it self-care.”

The strategies you choose to self-care and calm your mind and body are up to you, but here are some ideas to help you get started.

Physical ways:

  • Masturbate regularly.
  • Have virtual sex via text, video, or online.
  • Watch pornography (here’s how to find ethical porn).
  • Find a partner to have sex with (i.e., sex workers, one-night stands, friends with benefits, or casual dating)
  • Go out and connect with friends.
  • Exercise, which is “actually correlated with a more sexually active life,” says Casperson.
  • Move your body through dancing, yoga, or other cardiovascular activities.
  • If in a relationship, explore other types of physical touch to connect with your partner.
  • Take orgasms off the table the next time you have sex, and only explore pleasure.
  • Use sex toys.

Emotional ways:

  • Communicate your desires to your partner.
  • Listen to calming music.
  • Practice mindfulness and meditation.
  • Use your voice (like singing while dancing) as a way to release.
  • Write out your frustrations in a journal, collage, or other visual medium to process the emotions flowing through you.

“A natural way to increase dopamine is to try something new and exciting,” says Cline, “so you may want to invest in learning something new or trying something that scares you a little.”

What to do if you’re in a relationship and your partner’s sexual drive doesn’t match yours.

If you feel you’re not having enough sex in your relationship, that’s more common than people and movies let on. “Mismatched sex drive [affects] every couple,” says Casperson. “We need to normalize this.”

You and your partner won’t always be horny together, so the best way to navigate the sexual frustration that may arise is through communication.

“One of the biggest solutions to desire differences—which happens to most couples at some point in their relationship—is communication,” shares Cline. “Most couples are able to talk about a lot of stuff but have a hard time talking about sex.”

Try to communicate your needs and desires openly to your partner with these four tips:

Be confident.

Two of the biggest issues Cline sees in sex therapy are a lack of confidence and communication. 

“Communication may reveal barriers to a better sex life that can be addressed or reveal that it’s something that isn’t changeable at this time,” she says. With a transparent approach to communication, partners can empower each other to ask for and discuss other ways to have their needs met, or they can work on acceptance of a sex life adjustment.

Find a compromise.

Every relationship needs to negotiate the rules of engagement for sex and romance and to renegotiate them over time, Sweet says. Additionally, Casperson advises people to realize “Your partner is not responsible to fulfill all of your needs or desires.”

Sweet recommends people talk with their partners about how to best compromise on the mismatch of desire. She often works with couples where penis-in-vagina sex is off the table, but mutual masturbation, heavy petting, kissing, massage, sexting, reading erotica together, watching porn, and other activities are OK.

“Recognize you are both an individual sexual being and a partnered sexual being. Don’t undervalue your own ability to get yourself off, independent of a partner,” she says.

Be open to learning (and relearning).

“When it comes to desire, most of us respond to what helps us feel connected and loved (responsive desire), so it’s up to us to do those things to help invoke our lover’s desire,” says sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, M.A.

If you and your partner’s sexual urges don’t match, learn what turns them on through conversations about desire, seduction, fetishes, erogenous zones, and more, even if you think you already know.

Don’t hesitate to learn more about your own sexual needs, too. “Sometimes, for the person who doesn’t crave sex as much, I suggest saying yes to sex,” says Stewart, “because sometimes people forget about how good sex feels and how great orgasms can be, so they need that reminder.”

Get the help of an expert.

“In some cases, seeing a therapist or educator who specializes in clinical sexology can help a couple reconcile the difference in sexual desire,” Sweet says. Rather than getting their partner to participate or express interest in sex, she finds that “for most folks, the hardest thing is talking to their partner about their needs, fantasies, and desires.”

Finding the language to express your needs and desires is difficult (and uncomfortable!), but it’s worth it to find resources that can help break the barrier that leads to a more fulfilling sex life.

Takeaways.

Whether you’re flying solo or in a committed relationship, sexual frustration is a common experience we’ve all had—that means there’s nothing wrong with you or your body for feeling this way.

As you navigate this tension, remember you have tons of options to physically and emotionally relieve it. Plus, you can use this opportunity to re-imagine your sex life completely.

Complete Article HERE!