A ‘failure to launch’

— Why young people are having less sex

By Hannah Fry

Vivian Rhodes figured she would eventually have sex.

She was raised in a Christian household in Washington state and thought sex before marriage would be the ultimate rebellion. But then college came and went — and no sex. Even flirting “felt unnatural,” she said.

In her early 20s, she watched someone she followed on Tumblr come out as asexual and realized that’s how she felt: She had yet to develop romantic feelings for anyone, and the physical act of sex just didn’t sound appealing.

“Some people assume this is about shaming other people, and it’s not,” said Rhodes, 28, who works as a certified nursing assistant in Los Angeles. “I’m glad people have fun with it and it works for them. But I think sex is kind of gross. It seems very messy, and it’s vulnerable in a way that I think would be very uncomfortable.”

For what researchers say is an array of reasons — including technology, heavy academic schedules and an overall slower-motion process of growing up — millennials and now Gen Zers are having less sex, with fewer partners, than their parents’ and grandparents’ generations did. The social isolation and transmission scares of the COVID-19 pandemic have no doubt played a role in the shift. But researchers say that’s not the whole story: The “no rush for sex” trend predates the pandemic, according to a solid body of research.

UCLA has been tracking behavioral trends for years through its annual California Health Interview Survey, the largest state health survey in the nation. It includes questions about sexual activity. In 2021, the survey found, the number of young Californians ages 18 to 30 who reported having no sexual partners in the prior year reached a decade high of 38%. In 2011, 22% of young people reported having no sexual partners during the prior year, and the percentage climbed fairly steadily as the decade progressed.

California adults ages 35 to 50 who participated in UCLA’s 2021 survey also registered an increase in abstinence from 2011 to 2021. But with the percentage of “no sex” respondents rising from 9% to 14% during that time frame, the increase was not as pronounced.

The broader trend of young adults forgoing sex holds true nationally.

The University of Chicago’s General Social Survey — which has been following shifts in Americans’ behavioral trends for decades — found that 3 in 10 Generation Z males, ages 18 to 25, surveyed in 2021 reported having gone without sex the prior year. One in four Gen Z women also reported having had no sex the prior year, according to Jean Twenge, a San Diego State University psychology professor who reviewed the data for her book “Generations.”

In an age where hook-ups might seem as unlimited as a right swipe on a dating app, it’s easy to assume that Gen Z “should be having the time of their lives sexually,” Twenge said.

But that’s not how it’s playing out. Twenge said the decline has been underway for roughly two decades.

She attributed the slowdown in sexual relations most significantly to what she calls the “slow-life factor.” Young people just aren’t growing up as fast as they once did. They’re delaying big milestones such as getting their driver’s licenses and going to college. And they’re living at home with their parents a lot longer.

“In times and places where people live longer and education takes longer, the whole developmental trajectory slows down,” she said. “And so for teens and young adults, one place that you’re going to notice that is in terms of dating and romantic relationships and sexuality.”

A slight majority of 18- to 30-year-olds — about 52% — reported having one sexual partner in 2021, a decrease from 2020, according to the UCLA survey. The proportion of young adults who reported having two or more sexual partners also declined, from 23% in 2011 to 10% in 2021.

Though sex was on the decline in the years leading into the pandemic, COVID-19 made dating trickier.

Many people tightened their social circles when the pandemic surged in 2020 and 2021. And young people’s reliance on cellphones and apps for their social interactions only intensified when in-person meet-ups posed a risk of serious illness.

In general, people coming of age in an era of dating apps say the notion of starting a relationship with someone they meet in person — say a chance encounter at a bar or dance club — seems like a piece of nostalgia. Even friendships are increasingly forged over texting and video chats.

“A lot of young people when you talk to them will say their best friends are people they’ve never met,” said Jessica Borelli, a professor of psychological science at UC Irvine. “Sometimes they live across the country or in other countries, and yet they have these very intimate relationships with them. … The in-person interface is not nearly as essential for the development of intimacy as it might be for older people.”

Ivanna Zuniga, 22, who recently graduated from UC Irvine with a degree in psychological sciences, said her peers have largely delayed sex and romance to focus on education and career. Zuniga, who is bisexual, has been with her partner for about four years. But their sex life is sporadic, she said, adding that they hadn’t been intimate in the month leading up to her graduation.

“I’ve been really preoccupied with my studies, and I’m always stressed because of all the things I have going on,” she said. “My libido is always shot, and I don’t really ever think about sex.”

The sexless phenomenon has made its way into pop culture. Gone are the days when meet-cutes in bars leading to one-night stands and sex at college parties were the cornerstone of coupling in films.

In “No Hard Feelings,” released this year, a 32-year-old woman is hired by “helicopter parents” to deflower their shy 19-year-old son. At a party, the woman frantically searching for her date busts open bedroom doors where she expects to find people feverishly tangled in sheets. Instead, she finds teens sitting side by side on a bed, fully clothed, scrolling their phones or playing virtual reality games. Bemused, she yells, “Doesn’t anyone f— anymore?”

While there are practical benefits to waiting to be in a physical relationship, including less risk of sexually transmitted diseases and unplanned pregnancy, Twenge argued that there are also downsides to young people eschewing sex and, more broadly, intimacy. Unhappiness and depression are at all-time highs among young adults, trend lines Twenge ties to the rise of smartphones and social media. And she noted with concern the steady decline in the birth rate.

“It creates the question of whether Social Security can survive,” Twenge said. “Will there be enough young workers to support older people in the system? Will there be enough young workers to take care of older people in nursing homes and in assisted-care facilities?”

Zuniga, who plans to pursue a doctorate in clinical psychology, can’t imagine pausing her education or career to have children, so safe sex is particularly important, she said. Others interviewed said “horror stories” involving friends who contracted herpes or other sexually transmitted infections had turned them off from casual sex.

“I prioritize my studies too much, and I can’t fathom the thought of having my identity as an academic fall secondary to being a mother,” Zuniga said. “Moving out of the income bracket that you’re born into is so hard to do, and a very secure way to do it is through education.”

For Rhodes, not having sex has taken a lot of the pressure off social interactions.

“It lets me relax,” she said. “It’s not that I don’t care about how I look or how I come off to other people. But I have a little extra help caring less about it, because I don’t have to worry about attracting specific kinds of people for specific things.”

And she pushes back against the notion that shying away from sex is some sort of societal problem that needs to be “fixed.” It might even be a sign that young people have more control of their bodies and desires, she said.

“Maybe you don’t have to have sex all the time,” Rhodes said. “Maybe if you’re doing other things in your life, and you’ve got other priorities, or you just don’t feel like it, that can be a good enough answer.”

Complete Article HERE!

How I Get Strangers to Talk About Their Sex Lives

— I stop people on the bus, ask my cashier at CVS, or even beg my next-door neighbors.

By

My boyfriend held a cigarette in one hand and a Diet Coke in the other and said, “Are you fucking serious, Lys?” A few moments earlier, while lounging around a wicker table in his flowery backyard, I had flipped open my laptop and instructed him to tell me about all the women he’d slept with that week — or hooked up with, flirted with, even jerked off to. I told him to talk fast. My Sex Diaries column was due by EOD.

We were in an open relationship, insofar that I was pregnant via an anonymous sperm donor and he was a sexpot who could not be tamed. It was the only open relationship I’ve ever been in, and for that period of my life, it worked for me.

We banged out his diary together. I filed it. My editor had very few notes. The readers actually liked him, and all was good. It may sound strange, but I was happier producing such a vivid — and frankly, hot — diary than I was unsettled hearing about the multitudes of beautiful women my guy was going down on when I wasn’t around.

All this is to say that for the last eight years, Sex Diaries has come first. I mean, my children come first. My partner, Sam, whom I’ve been with ever since that guy, comes first. My parents and sister come first. But beyond all that, the weekly column always takes priority.

Normally, I don’t need to recruit friends or lovers for the column, but sometimes I do. The copy is due every Wednesday night — which sometimes means Thursday morning — so if I haven’t found a diarist by early in the week, I have to hustle.

Most of the time, I’m already engaging with a handful of potential diarists who’ve emailed me at sexdiaries@nymag.com with some info about themselves, hoping I’ll invite them to actually write one (which I almost always do). After that, I have to hope that they won’t flake or wind up being fraudulent or scary and that they’ll deliver something interesting, or at least coherent, for me to shape into a column. The diaries don’t pay, so there’s only so much pushing and probing I can do in good conscience. After all, no one owes me anything. In the end, about two in every five emails leads to an actual, publishable diary.

On the weeks when no one has emailed in or a diarist gets cold feet at the last minute, I stop strangers on the bus, at a local bar, or on the street — if they seem like passionate, horny, or simply authentic human beings — and ask them to sit with me for a half hour and entrust me with their stories.

“Hi. Sorry to bother you. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I write this column for New York Magazine called Sex Diaries — it’s pretty popular, honestly — where I profile someone’s love and sex life, or lack thereof, for a week. You can write it yourself, and I’ll clean it up for you. Or you can tell me everything here or later on the phone, and I’ll do the rest. We can disguise whatever you want in order for you to feel comfortable. But you have to remember that once it’s out there, I can’t take it offline, so you need to be okay with that … are you in?”

Occasionally, it works. Most people say that they have nothing remotely interesting going on — which, I’d argue, is still interesting! Other people are just too busy or private. Recently, a salesperson at CVS whom I approached thought I was hitting on him, and being a religious man and married, he was so offended and freaked out that he demanded I leave the store immediately. As I rushed out of there, pushing my son in his stroller, I actually started to cry.

Sometimes, I have to beg my neighbors, mom friends, or old high-school pals from my Facebook page to anonymously dish with me about their marriages, divorces, or affairs. And almost every week, I post something somewhere on social media, searching for random humans who will document their love and sex lives for me — for no good reason at all other than, perhaps, creative catharsis.

However it plays out, I try to make the experience as easy as possible for the diarists and to handle them with care. I make sure to protect their trust, and above all else, I never judge anything they tell me. When you tell me you’re having an affair, I will assure you that you’re not evil. When you tell me you’re hurting, I will share that I’ve been there too. When you tell me you’re weird, I will tell you that you’re cool as hell. And I will mean it all. Our relationships last only a few days and are driven by very direct questions and blind faith that we won’t lie to each other, then they’re over.

To understand my devotion to this column is to understand how it came to be mine and the freedom it has afforded me over the last eight years. In 2015, I decided to have a baby on my own for a lifetime of reasons you’ll have to buy my book to understand. I had always managed to make a decent living as a freelance writer, but at this point, there was no dependable work coming in, as I’d spent years trying to “break into Hollywood,” which wasn’t happening and slowly crushed me one disappointment after another. But I was pregnant, a marvelous thing, and I had faith that work would take care of itself somehow.

Out of the blue, an editor at The Cut asked me if I wanted to revive the column, which I had never heard of, explaining that it would be a weekly assignment with a steady paycheck. The work didn’t sound easy, but it didn’t sound hard either. Mostly, I saw the column as a gift. From New York, the media crowd, karma, or whatever. And I never stopped looking at it through that prism. Sex Diaries sustained me as I began life as a single mom. It solidified my role at The Cut, where I loved the people. And it gave me some writerly empowerment when I was feeling otherwise unwanted.

Sure, the column stresses me out sometimes. It’s a grind finding diarists every single week. I’ve only skipped two deadlines in all these years, and both were because I had preeclampsia with my pregnancies and was too out of it from the magnesium drip to resume work right away.

In the fall of 2019, we learned that HBO wanted to turn the Sex Diaries column into a docuseries, in which we’d document a week or two in someone’s sex life on film in the same spirit as we do in the column. This was fabulous news. I’d been chasing the TV scene for years, and it felt like this opportunity was another cosmic gift that I would never take for granted. But I knew that in the entertainment business, you had to fight every single day for a seat at the table. I had no reason to believe I’d be pushed out of the project, but I knew that I had to emphasize my value to the docuseries. To anybody who would listen, I said, “Let me handle the casting. You will never be able to cast this without me. No one knows how to find a Sex Diarist like I do.” Did I come across as too aggressive? Who cares! It was true.

So at 44 years old, my work life became unbelievably exciting and excruciatingly hard. My second child was still a baby, still breastfeeding, when we started casting and filming. A month later, COVID hit. Around this time, I got a book deal with a tight deadline and absolutely nowhere to write or think in peace. Politically, the world was burning down. My amazing kids, never amazing sleepers, kept us awake every single night. One of my best friends, the woman who taught me to advocate for myself, died of cancer — I cried for her all night, every night for many months. The weekly column was always due. The Zoom calls for the docuseries took up hours of my day despite the fact that no one even knew when we’d come out of this pandemic let alone feel romantic, sexual, or adventurous again.

Like all working moms, I was tired. But I had to cast this series, as promised. I revisited thousands of diarists I’d worked with throughout the years and asked if they’d be open to doing a diary without any anonymity and with cameras following them. Of course, the response was often “um, yeah, no.” I frantically called friends of friends who had cousins with roommates who were polyamorous, slut-positive, or simply lovestruck. I roamed the city, double-masked and desperate, sleuthing around for anybody who might be interested in talking about the sex they weren’t having with the lovers they weren’t seeing and the lives they weren’t living. I must have slipped into a thousand random DM’s per day, hunting for anybody who would indulge me. Instagram kept blocking my account, which would last only a few hours, thank God. I tracked down New Yorkers who belonged to sex clubs, posted provocative hashtags, or showed any sign that they were creative souls or open books. Our dream was for the cast to mirror an NYC subway car in terms of diversity. Eventually, with the help of the show’s amazing director and producers, we found our stars. Eight New Yorkers agreed to let us film their sex lives. None of them needed any convincing. They were all born for this moment. I did nothing, and they did everything.

Every week for what feels like forever, I’ve buckled down to “do a Sex Diary.” And because of that continuity — the ritual of it all — the column has unintentionally grounded me through the good and the bad. My tears are in those diaries. My hormones are in those diaries. A miscarriage is in those diaries. My childbirths are in those diaries. When I met Sam, my love, I was on deadline. When Biden won or our kids had COVID or we closed on our first house, I always had a diary to tend to.

My diarists have ranged from artists to engineers, sex workers, CEOs, and soccer moms, but they’ve all shared part of their lives with me, and through them, I’ve been afforded a healthy and effervescent work life that defies the drudgery of almost every other job I can imagine. To my mistresses, fuckboys, cougars, pillow princesses, and everyone in between, thank you. And to anyone curious about the column, email me, please.

Complete Article HERE!

7 Ways To Have An Open Relationship When You’re Married

By loren_lankford

Are you curious about an open relationship, but not sure where to start? Maybe you’ve talked about it with your partner but don’t know how to have an open relationship and move forward.

Remember: all relationships are unique — one size does not fit all. Use these tips as a guide, but do what feels right for you.

1. Put it all out on the table

If you’ve been curious about making your relationship open, the first and most important thing to do is talk it over with your partner. Sit down at an appropriate time when both of you are calm and have plenty of time to chat.

Be sensitive in bringing it up, but be clear and honest with your emotions. Explain why this is something you’d like to try. If they agree, you can take the next step. If not, talk about other ways to evolve your monogamous relationship.

2. Set some ground rules

The rules couples put in place for their open relationships vary greatly but are all of equal importance. Once you’re sure that you both want to go forward, sit down and make a list of boundaries that both of you are comfortable with. Write them down and talk out all of the details before going forward.

While it’s important to be compromising in a relationship, this isn’t the place to bend over backward. Make your opinions known and don’t hold back.

Here are some common rules people in open relationships use. But don’t follow these — do what’s right for you:

  • Always practice safe sex outside the relationship.
  • No sex with mutual friends.
  • Sexual encounters must not interfere with the couple’s customary or planned time together.
  • Sex is permissible only when one partner is out of town.
  • Outside sex is only allowed with advance agreement with one’s lover.
  • Outside sex is allowed only when both partners participate.
  • Outside sex is never permitted at home.
  • Sex is permitted at home, but not in the bedroom.

3. Don’t be afraid to speak up

If you make rules that don’t work and you feel unhappy, be sure to leave room for adjustment. No one said the rules had to be set in stone and it may take time to feel out what works best for your relationship. Be patient with each other and the fog will start to clear.

4. Decide what you’re comfortable hearing about

If you feel the need to spill every detail of your escapades but your partner would rather you keep that to yourself (or vice-versa), you need to discuss those boundaries that make you both comfortable. Ask for the details you want but before you even ask make sure you really want to know.

Maybe you want to know who and when, but is it really necessary to know every detail? If you can handle it and it feels important to you then, by all means, ask!

5. Take it one step at a time

Start out slow. Consider first bringing someone else into your bedroom before you both go out on your own. Either way, be sure to have a frank discussion about each experience before proceeding full-steam ahead.

If it felt right and you’re ready to move forward, you can now do so with more confidence. But if something went awry, identify the root of the problem and work it out before moving on.

6. Don’t cheat

Unless your rules explicitly state that your partner wants to know nothing about who you sleep with, remember that cheating is still cheating, even in an open relationship. Holding back the details, even if it’s because you broke a rule and are worried you will hurt your partner, could cause greater problems going forward.

Your open relationship only works because you have trust, and once that’s gone you have nothing.

7. Don’t force the issue

If it isn’t working for one of you, it isn’t working for both. Whether this means adjusting your rules or stopping outside relations altogether, make the change that is going to make you comfortable.

Complete Article HERE!

How to deal with nerves the first time you have same-sex sex

By

Okay, so you’re pondering having sex with someone of the same gender for the first time.

Feeling nervous? Don’t panic – that’s totally normal.

‘Same-sex sex can feel daunting even if you’ve had plenty of “straight” sex before,’ sex and relationships expert Annabelle Knight tells Metro.co.uk. ‘The reason it feels so different is because… it is!

‘The idea of first time same-sex can feel scary because it’s an entirely new experience. Nerves are part and parcel of pushing yourself out of your usual space and into something new.’

There’s a lot of fear when trying anything new (including queer sex) that you’ll get stuff wrong, that you’ll be rubbish, that it’ll be embarrassing.

It’s all perfectly natural, but when the nerves are overwhelming, it’s time to tackle them.

So, how do we do that?

Reframe anxiety as excitement

You’re about to do something new – what if instead of viewing that as a scary thing, you see it as exciting?

‘Try to focus on the positives. As with lots of new experiences things can seem daunting, however if you re-package nerves as excitement then you’ll be able to build what’s known as “positive anticipation”, which will help you to really get the most out of the experience as a whole,’ Annabelle suggests.

Reframe anxiety as excitement

Talk about it

You don’t need to pretend to be totally cool or act like you know what you’re doing. It’s actually pretty endearing to openly say that you’re a touch nervous.

‘We can combat nerves by opening up communication with our partner, or if you feel able to, telling them that you might be feeling a bit nervous,’ says Lelo’s sex and relationships expert Kate Moyle.

Redefine sex

You might still be holding on to a traditional definition of sex, viewing it only as penis in vagina penetration.

The reality is that sex can encompass all sorts of joyous things – stroking, licking, caressing…

And the thing is, if you’ve been in ‘straight’ sex setups before, you’ve likely played with all of these bits of sex. Remembering that makes same-sex sex feel a lot less scary.

‘Appreciate that there’s more to sex than penetration alone,’ Annabelle says. ‘This means that everything from kissing, cuddling and sensual massage can fall under the banner of sex.

‘Great sex is how you define it so don’t feel constrained by the idea that penetration = proper sex.’

Be playful

Hey, this is supposed to be fun.

‘Even if we haven’t had a sexual experience with someone of the same gender before, bodies are still sensual and sensitive – be creative and playful with your touch, which will help to build up arousal and desire,’ suggests Kate.

Keep communication open

Bring in sex toys

Sex toys are not a necessity, but they can be a bonus – and can definitely help to relieve the pressure of delivering an orgasm with your hands and genitals alone.

Don’t feel pressured to orgasm every time

Not climaxing doesn’t mean you’ve ‘failed’. It’s the journey that counts, and every bit of sex can be a glorious experience – not just the orgasm.

Keep the communication going

‘Vocalise what you are feeling using positive encouragement,’ recommends Kate, ‘so letting them know what feel’s good for you.’

Embrace uncertainty

Annabelle adds: ‘To get the most out of your first same-sex experience make sure you’re in the right head space.

‘You don’t need to have everything figured out, nor do you need to put a label on yourself – instead embrace the fact that you’re ready to experiment and open yourself up to a different type of connection.’

Top tips for great first-time same-sex sex

Trim your nails

‘Long fingernails look great but can be a bit of a pain in the clit when it comes to same-sex experiences,’ notes Annabelle.

Lube

One thing Annabelle recommends for great same-sex sex? ‘Lube, lube, and more lube!’

‘Anal doesn’t just happen, she notes. ‘The anus isn’t self-lubricating and needs a lot of help in that department. A good quality water based lube is a fabulous all-rounder. It’s skin safe, toy safe, and condom safe too.’

Lube is great for vaginas, too, particularly if the woman you’re dating is going through menopause or has given birth (both of which can cause hormones to drop and dryness to occur).

Wetter is better, so feel free to lube liberally.

Stay safe

Pregnancy won’t be a risk during same-sex sex, but make sure you’re still protecting yourself from STIs. Condoms, dental dams – all necessary.

Oh, and ‘if you’re sharing sex toys make sure you give them a clean between uses,’ says Annabelle.

Explore different turn-on spots

‘For women and vulva owners the clitoris is the source of most sensitivity and sexual pleasure, and most women report orgasming via direct clitoral stimulation,’ Kate tells us. ‘But having said that, take your time to explore sensually and not just focusing on the areas of the body commonly associated with sex.

‘This build up gives the body a chance to sexually warm up and become aroused which is key to pleasure.’

Complete Article HERE!

6 Questions to Ask Yourself If You’re Considering an Open Relationship

A therapist explains how to know if ethical nonmonogamy is right for you.

By

Many of us grow up alongside narratives of a “happily ever after” one-soulmate-kind-of love, but this cultural ideal is far from a universal reality—or even a universal desire. Just like someone might have several friends who meet various social needs, there are a lot of people, myself included, who crave more than one romantic or sexual partner. And if that’s the case—and you’re already committed to one partner—it makes sense that you might be interested in the idea of an open relationship.

That decision is a hugely personal one of course, and it’s important to recognize that open relationships, where two partners consensually agree to seek sex and/or love outside of their existing relationship, aren’t for everyone. They can feel complicated and, at times, downright messy—not only because many of us live in societies that don’t support nonmonogamy, but also because open relationships can bring up issues around jealousy, boundaries, and relationship goals that can all be pretty intense to navigate.

That said, they can also be incredibly fulfilling. To help you decide whether some kind of open arrangement makes sense for your love life, we asked Dulcinea Alex Pitagora, PhD, LCSW, a New York City–based therapist who specializes in nonmonogamous relationships, for the most important questions to ponder before opening up an existing relationship.

1. What does an “open relationship” mean to you?

If you’re researching this topic for the first time, you’ll likely come across a whole lot of new vocabulary, but the umbrella term for most types of open relationships is ethical nonmonogamy (ENM)—a dynamic in which transparency and communication are at the core of the choices you and your partner(s) make.

Polyamory—having more than one intimate relationship at once—is one way to practice ENM, but there are different types of polyamorous arrangements. For example, you may end up realizing that you align best with a “hierarchical polyamory” dynamic, in which you prioritize one primary relationship over the others. Or, you may prefer “nonhierarchical polyamory,” where every partnership is treated as equal.

Swinging is another form of ENM in which committed couples engage in strictly sexual activities with other couples or single people at the same time. Or maybe a couple wants to date other people together, whether that be with an occasional casual hook-up or in an entirely new relationship structure (like a triad, with three partners being equally committed to one another).

Whether you identify strongly with a preexisting structure or not, though, it’s important to remember that ethical nonmonogamy can be about rewriting the scripts we’re often given when it comes to love and sex—and that ultimately means you’re free to create whatever structure works for you and your partner(s).

2. Why do you really want to do this?

There are a lot of reasons why a couple might consider opening up their existing relationship. A 2022 article published in the journal Sexologies outlined eight potential motivations for polyamory, including fulfillment of needs not met in a monogamous relationship, expression of political values, and the desire to belong to a community.

Asking yourself and your partner whether you’re drawn to having more sex, more love, or some combination of the two can help you start to identify your motivations for exploring an open relationship—as well as whether or not you could both get your needs met by ENM.

3. Are you hoping to “fix” a troubled relationship?

Ethical nonmonogamy isn’t a magical cure for any and all relationship problems. For example, sometimes one partner has come to identify as nonmonogamous while the other hasn’t—but perhaps feels they should embrace nonmonogamy in order to “save” the relationship. In these instances, Dr. Pitagora says doing so might mean that one or both partners end up having to compromise facets of their identities or relationship goals—which can ultimately cause the relationship to break down.

The same is true for partners who are struggling in potentially irreparable ways, but are perhaps “too enmeshed or codependent to break up,” they say. This might look like irreconcilable differences in the desire to become a parent (maybe one person wants children, while the other does not), conflicting morals and values, or the age-old issue that is simply falling out of love.

“Exploring nonmonogamy tends to highlight strengths and weaknesses in relationships, which provides opportunities for personal and relationship growth,” they add. “Along with that growth might come a realization that an open arrangement could help both partners feel more satisfied—or that the relationship isn’t working.”

4. Do you feel comfortable talking about boundaries?

Even in the most established relationships (between parent and child, close friends, or romantic partners), many of us struggle to communicate our needs. For folks opening up their relationships, however, learning each other’s boundaries and fully respecting them is crucial, Dr. Pitagora says.

There are a lot of necessary conversations to have when you’re considering bringing other people into your romantic life, including discussions around the practicalities of your situation: where you’ll meet other people; where you’ll be intimate; whether you’ll be introducing them to friends, family, or children; how you’d like to divide your time; and many more. And these boundaries may need to be negotiated, to make sure both people are comfortable with the perimeters.

 

If you struggle with communicating your boundaries, though, that doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t have a healthy open relationship. Dr. Pitagora suggests first telling your partner about your fears. You can say something like, “I’m curious about an open relationship but I’m worried that I won’t be able to be honest with you about my feelings, or that you won’t respect my needs.” If your partner isn’t receptive and reassuring, that’s a sign that opening the relationship probably isn’t a good idea, they say, since, again, communication and respecting boundaries are crucial for ENM to work.

If even having that conversation freaks you out, it’s okay to take your time getting used to boundary-setting before you explore ENM further. Dr. Pitagora recommends first practicing communicating your needs in “low stakes situations,” like verbalizing an implicit boundary with a close friend—something like, “I appreciate how we don’t text after 10 p.m. when I have to get up early for work the next day, can we keep doing that and call it a boundary?”

You might then try a more challenging boundary—maybe asking a not-so-close friend not to text you after 10. Finally, you can raise the stakes further still by telling your partner what you are and aren’t comfortable with when it comes to an open relationship. “It’s an ongoing practice that eventually will feel easier with time and repetition,” Dr. Pitagora says. They also note that if you have a hard time expressing your needs and boundaries in relationships, individual therapy can be extremely beneficial.

5. How do you deal with jealousy?

Whether you’re monogamous or nonmonogamous, jealousy is one of those very human emotions that can creep up even when you don’t necessarily expect it. If you’re opening up your relationship, however, you’ll have to be willing to dissect the heck out of those feelings and contemplate the ways your jealousy might be a problem.

For instance, do you lash out with aggression, or become insular and unwilling to discuss your feelings? Or maybe you ignore those feelings entirely and pretend everything is okay while they eat you up inside? All of these reactions are signs that your jealousy could get in the way of the healthy communication required for a successful open relationship.

“Jealousy, like all emotions, contains valuable information about something we need to heal from or some need that’s not being met,” Dr. Pitagora explains. The reality of a newly open relationship is that it might bring jealousy to the forefront, but ultimately this can give partners an opportunity to reflect. Slowing down, contemplating your feelings, and collaborating with your partner is a healthy approach to jealousy, and you can also practice it in advance of opening up a relationship, they add.

For example, maybe the thought of multiple partners makes you feel insecure about the strength of your primary partnership, and dedicated couple time might help ease that discomfort. Or perhaps you realize that you’re feeling undervalued, and a more even distribution of household chores would help you feel more appreciated before you consider an open arrangement.

6. Do you rely on other people to validate your worth?

Self-acceptance is being marketed to us left and right these days and there’s a lot of noise out there about how you need to love yourself before you can love somebody else (or multiple somebody elses, in this case). But that journey isn’t typically linear, and you don’t necessarily have to “love yourself fully” (whatever that means) before you welcome other types of love into your life.

 

“Humans need other humans to live, and feeling validated through love from others is healthy, regardless of one’s level of security,” Dr. Pitagora explains. In fact, feeling loved or validated by others can ultimately increase personal feelings of self-worth, they say, in a psychological phenomenon known as positive “reflected appraisals”—when people perceive someone else’s appraisal of them as positive, their self-perception can become more positive, too.

That said, “if someone is completely reliant on someone else’s love and validation for a feeling of self-worth, that can be problematic, in that they may not be able to function if that other person is no longer available to provide love and validation,” Dr. Pitagora says. “And if working on self-compassion feels really uncomfortable to someone, I would say it’s likely they fall into that category.”

Basically, you shouldn’t necessarily rely on someone else (or multiple partners) for your entire sense of self-worth or fulfillment, but there’s no shame in craving more love and validation from others. And if that love and validation come in the form of an open relationship that feels good to all parties involved, then ethical nonmonogamy might be your happily ever after.

As Dr. Pitagora puts it, if both partners feel that an open relationship could help satisfy some of their unmet emotional and/or physical needs and “a couple has good communication practices in place, a foundation of trust, and a willingness to put in the hard work that usually takes place in the beginning of a nonmonogamous learning curve, then I say go for it.”

Complete Article HERE!

Student banned from saying ‘gay’ cleverly uses ‘curly hair’ as metaphor to talk about his sexual orientation

Zander Moricz, Florida class president of Pine View, talked about his ‘curly hair’ in a heartfelt speech and used it as an analogy for his sexuality. Zander had to adhere to restrictons because of Florida’s controversial ‘Don’t Say Gay’ laws in schools.

The curly hair metaphor that everyone loved

A college student banned from using the word ‘gay‘ at his graduation speech used a clever metaphor to speak about his sexual orientation.

Zander Moricz, Florida class president of Pine View, talked about his ‘curly hair’ in a heartfelt speech and used it as an analogy for his sexuality.

Zander had to adhere to restrictions because of Florida’s controversial ‘Don’t Say Gay’ laws in schools.

So as the high school graduate began his speech, he replaced gay with ‘curly hai’. By doing so, he left audiences in awe and also drew worldwide attention to his activism for the LGBTQIA+ community.

“I must discuss a very public part of my identity. This characteristic has probably become the first thing you think of me as a human being. As you know, I have curly hair,” said Zander, while speaking at the Van Wezel Performing Arts Hall

The clip showing his speech has now collected over 8.4 million views on Twitter.

The teenager even removed his mortarboard cap and unveiled his curly hair to the audience.
“I used to hate my curls. I spent mornings and nights embarrassed of them, trying to desperately straighten this part of who I am. But the daily damage of trying to fix myself became too much to endure,” he said.

He further added: “So while having curly hair in Florida is difficult, due to the humidity, I decided to be proud of who I was and started coming to school as my authentic self.”

Staying on the metaphor, Zander went on to say the growth of his ‘hair’ was a messy process but he came out well due to the support of his friends and teachers.

He ended his speech by saying it was important for him to speak up about his curly hair and other curly-haired students who are adjusting to ‘Florida’s humidity’.

The moving speech comes a few months after the controversial ‘Do Say Gay’ bill was signed and passed by the state. The bill prevents the teaching of sexual orientation and gender identity from pre-school to third grade.

Complete Article HERE!

Laws of Attraction

— Omnisexual vs. Pansexual

Both forms of sexual identity involve being attracted to people of all genders, but they differ when it comes to having individual preference.

by Nicky Cade

When figuring out something as complex as sexuality, it might seem like there are more labels than there are in your local supermarket. You may also feel that it’s difficult to find just one that 100 percent fits you, which is totally fine, by the way.

Two of the identities that people might need more clarity on are “omnisexual” and “pansexual.”

At first glance, they may seem the same. You can define pansexuality as having a romantic, emotional, or sexual attraction to people, regardless of their genders. But omnisexuality can involve having a romantic, emotional, or sexual attraction to people of all genders. The distinction is slight, but it’s there.

Don’t worry if you didn’t spot it right away, though. We’ll explain their similarities, differences, and what they both mean in the context of relationships.

OK, before we delve into the specifics of pansexuality and omnisexuality, we need to discuss the concept of gender blindness. Try not to skip: This is what’s going to help you work out the differences!

You might’ve heard the term “gender blindness” used in a negative sense. Like “color blind” in terms of race, some people may use it as a refusal to acknowledge that some groups experience oppression or privilege because of their genders.

Some pansexuals call themselves “gender blind” in a neutral way, meaning that a person’s sex or gender doesn’t factor into their attraction for them. They can be attracted to someone whether they’re male, female, trans, intersex, nonbinary, etc. So, they use “gender blind” in the nonexclusionary sense, in that gender simply isn’t an issue.

However, other pansexuals might be uncomfortable with the term, feeling that it may invalidate someone’s identity, especially trans people who may have gone through a lot of hard work to be recognized as their genders. These pansexuals may prefer to say that they have no gender preference.

Whether you use the term “gender blindness” or not, and it’s good to be aware that some people aren’t comfy with it, you get the gist — it’s about not limiting your attractions by gender.

The prefix, “pan” means all, every, whole, and all-inclusive. The “pan” in pansexual means you’re attracted to someone without consideration for their gender, aka, you’re gender blind or have no gender preference. This doesn’t mean you’re invalidating someone’s gender in any way — but it just isn’t a factor in your level of attraction to them.

“Pansexual” is a relatively young term that didn’t really get used a whole lot until the mid-2010s, when it was put under the bisexual umbrella. But now, pansexuals proudly walk on their own, represented by a pink, yellow, and blue flag, which stands for attraction to all identities.

Sometimes, people can easily misinterpret pansexuality, which can create negative stereotypes and discourage people from owning their sexualities. Some mistakenly believe that the “all” part of the distinction means that pansexuals are up for getting down with anyone, all the time — and that simply isn’t true.

Others see pansexuality as an open invitation for sexual activity, and that it lessens any need for consent — nope, nope, a thousand times nope. Just like all forms of sexuality, pansexuality is a specific form of openness that the individual wholly owns and manages, not anyone else.

Want to show your pansexual pride? May 24 is Pansexual Visibility Day, with National Pansexual Pride Day on December 8.

The prefix “omni” means all, everywhere, or all-encompassing. Similar to “pansexual,” “omnisexual” means you can have an attraction to all genders — except, in this case, you do consider sex and gender to a certain extent, aka, you’re not gender blind.

If you’re omnisexual, you might have a slight gender preference when it comes to attraction, but not a specific gender requirement. So, the gender of the person you’re attracted to matters, but it’s not a determining factor.

“Omnisexual” is another fairly new term, which a lot of people might not be super familiar with, and that can lead to its own problems. For instance, both pansexuals and omnisexuals often might have to put up with the perception of being hypersexual and all the issues that come with that, such as erasure among others.

Because “omnisexual” isn’t yet a universally familiar term, people who do identify as such are often labelled as the more-familiar “bisexual” or “pansexual” instead, which can be hurtful.

But as time goes on, more and more people have access to the education to help them develop awareness of what the term means. There’s also an omnisexual flag, which has stripes of pink, blue-purple, and black. People recognize Omnisexual Awareness Day on March 21, and Omnisexual and Omniromantic Pride and Visibility Day is on June 6.

If you’re looking to find which identity is most true for yourself between omnisexual and pansexual, the main similarity can be straightforward: Both groups can be attracted to anyone of any gender, whether it’s in a romantic, emotional, or sexual way.

The key difference is the consideration of gender — pansexuals don’t consider it, omnisexuals do.

If it’s still a little tricky to distinguish in your head, imagine one person saying, “I love hot drinks!”, and another person saying, “I love tea, and coffee, and hot chocolate, and…” It’s not a perfect comparison, but it might help you grasp the difference a little more clearly.

And remember, everyone’s understanding of their own sexuality is just that: their own. You can define yourself however you choose, or not at all. Having a clear understanding of your feelings based on your experiences is what matters.

So, you might have a better inkling now of whether pansexuality or omnisexuality fits you better — that’s awesome! If you’re already in a relationship, or planning to be in one sometime, it’s also a good moment to think about how you’re going to be clear with them going forward.

The first thing to remember is that you don’t have to tell anyone that you’re pansexual or omnisexual if you don’t want to — you don’t owe that to anyone. But if your partner(s) is completely in the dark, or isn’t super knowledgeable about different sexualities, it can cause some issues.

Not communicating your sexual identity or preferences may cause you to become tense or unsure around your partner, which may cause them to become uncomfortable as a result. And that’s not a good foundation for any relationship.

If you do want to tell them about your sexuality, reassure them that you’re being open and honest with them because you want a stronger relationship. Explain what pansexuality or omnisexuality is, and work to clarify any misconceptions or defuse any stereotypes.

There’s no guarantee that your partner(s) will be receptive, or respond in a way that you like, but that’s on them. Being authentic and honest with yourself and with the person you care about is the priority. Care promotes authenticity, and authenticity should encourage better care.

If you don’t identify as either omnisexual or pansexual, it’s always a good thing to know what supportive language you can use. And if you’re an ally, advocate, or someone whose loved one just came out, it’s even more important!

First thing to remember is to avoid presuming anything about anyone. If someone tells you that they’re omnisexual, don’t reply with “but isn’t that just bisexual/pansexual?”. And the same goes for pansexuals — sexual identities are deeply personal, and it’s for each individual to decide which fits them best.

It’s important to avoid making jokes about being hypersexual. And for the love of pizza, almost every pansexual heard the “does this mean you’re attracted to frying pans?” joke a million times already.

Remember that being attracted to all genders doesn’t necessarily mean that a person wants to be in polyamorous relationships. Some might be in them, others might not be, same as anyone else.

As with anyone, it’s important to know pronouns, especially with pansexuals — some people will be “he/him” or “she/her,” but with gender being less of a concern, others may choose to be “they,” “ze,” or “xe.” It’s much better to ask than to keep getting it wrong.

Above all, simply respect and accept. If someone trusts you enough to share their sexual identity with you, that’s a big deal.

Although it can initially be tricky to work out the difference between pansexuality and omnisexuality, they’re both completely individual and valid forms of sexual identity, with their own acknowledgments. Gone are the days when both were simply thrown under the label “bisexual“.

What it comes down to is that omnisexuals tend to notice a potential partner’s gender more than pansexuals do. Other than that, pansexuality and omnisexuality share a love and attraction that isn’t limited by gender. Both can be truly inclusive.

Be true to yourself, and support others in their own journeys — after all, isn’t that what love is all about?

Complete Article HERE!

Two women share what it’s like to come out later in life

For many years, Marija was happy but knew deep down something was missing in her relationships.

By Tahnee Jash

She had been in two long-term partnerships with men. The first led to marriage, and the second to a son.

It wasn’t until she was 40 that she met, and fell in love with, a woman.

“Before I came out, I met someone I decided to act on,” Marija, 76, tells ABC podcast, Ladies, We Need To Talk.

“That was a turning point that I wish to God I had done in my teens but then of course, I wouldn’t have had my son.”

She has now been in a committed relationship with a woman for the last 25 years.

‘I was afraid of being judged’

Marija, who came to Australia as a WWII refugee, says she was always attracted to women but wasn’t sure how her family would respond.

“[I come from a] migrant background and everyone was married, they were building up a new life in this country, and I don’t think my family would have understood,” she says.

“I was terribly afraid of being judged by them and losing their love.”

Marija had a great relationship with her second partner, who has since passed away, and when she made the decision to come out, he was very supportive.

“I think he suspected [it]. Then when I did tell him he kept saying, ‘The only thing that matters is your happiness’,” she says.

While Marija’s son took some time getting used to seeing his mum with another woman, he now has a great relationship with them both.

“He withdrew for a little while and then after he got to know my partner and realised that she wasn’t taking me away from [him and his dad] he did a flip and became her best friend.”

Sexuality is fluid and can change over time

When Marija was coming to terms with her identity 36 years ago, sexuality was not as openly discussed or understood.

“I had a very high-profile job with local newspapers and magazines, and I felt that that would have been jeopardised. In those days, comments about homosexuality were not very pleasant,” she says.

Dr Lisa Diamond, professor of psychology and gender studies at the University of Utah, has been researching sexual identity for over 30 years.

She says for many years, women were “socialised to think about female sexuality as shameful”.

“Most women develop an alienated relationship with their own sexuality because every time they have a sexual desire, they repress it,” she says.

Influences around us — from our family to the movies we watch — also encourage what we think.

“The idea is that there is this pressure on all women to be heterosexual and this inability to even think of anything else that prevents a lot of women from knowing what they actually want,” says Dr Diamond.

There’s also pressure to have this all worked out once you hit adulthood and is why some women come out later in life, especially after a big life event.

“The capacity for a same-sex relationship might have been there from the beginning but if you don’t have a chance to articulate that to yourself, then it might take a big life transition to wake up and actually ask yourself what you actually want,” Dr Diamond explains.

“We know that sexuality is a complicated spectrum that changes over time.”

‘Our focus was on the children’

Like Marija, Jennifer came out in her 40s.

She says her conservative, religious upbringing was part of the reason she couldn’t understand or explore her sexuality.

Her first experience of dating was in her late 20s, with her husband who she had two children with and was in a relationship for 24 years.

“Our focus was on the children, [not] on me. Having said that, I was struggling inside but I just put my energy on them and brushed myself aside,” Jennifer, 61, says.

It was after watching a documentary about lesbians in Melbourne that Jennifer experienced an epiphany.

Jennifer didn’t know what to do next.

“I [thought I] can’t tell anyone, I’m married. I’m going to have to hold this inside me and never say anything,” she says.

After suppressing this for two years, a fatal accident involving her brother pushed her feelings to the forefront and that’s the moment Jennifer decided to come out.

“It was like my subconscious was saying, ‘Come on, life is short you’ve got to do something about this’,” she says.

It was in the months that followed that she decided to come out to her family and friends. After sitting in her lounge room for four hours rehearsing what she was going to say, she finally worked up the courage to tell her husband.

“It was a relief for us both because it made sense to everything in our world,” Jennifer says.

“He [replied and said] ‘Yes, I reckon a lot of women feel this in middle age’ and that was it. It was like we could breathe.”

Coming out to the family

During a countryside drive, Jennifer decided to tell her children too.

“I’m very close to my children and I just knew they’d know there was something weird going on with me. So I chose [to tell them] driving in the car one day,” Jennifer says.

“The words [were] like this vomit coming and [I said], ‘I’ve got something to tell you’ and I said, ‘I’m gay,’ Jennifer says.

“One of them is just like, ‘stop the car [so I can] get out’ and the other one said, ‘we just want you to be happy’.”

Both her children came to accept her news and Jennifer has a great relationship with them today.

Going through this experience and learning more about herself, Jennifer says hersexuality is more about the individual, rather than a label.

“For me, it’s about fluidity so I don’t call myself a lesbian,” she says.

“It’s more about the person I’m with; I don’t like [using] categories.”

Complete Article HERE!

Am I Gay?

– Resources and Support if You’re Discovering Your Sexual Orientation

by

Questions about your sexual identity can be complicated. There are tons of words to describe different sexual orientations: lesbian, gay, bisexual, asexual, queer, pansexual, and so many more. You may be wondering which one fits you best, if any. It’s important to keep in mind that labels can be helpful in understanding your sexual identity, but if you feel like there isn’t a particular label that suits you, that’s okay and doesn’t mean your identity is any less valid.

For some people, the question of “am I gay” is easy to answer. Some people can point to a moment when they knew they were gay, and others feel like they’ve always just known. For others, their journey of discovering their sexuality can be a little less linear. There’s no wrong way to go about it.

But by definition, to identify as gay would mean that you feel sexual and/or romantic attraction to someone of your same gender identity, says LGBTQ+ expert Kryss Shane. “Sometimes it’s a general awareness, other times it’s self-recognition from a same-sex friendship that begins to feel like something more, and sometimes it’s through sexual exploration,” Shane explains.

If you think that you might be gay, here are some resources and things to keep in mind as you explore your sexuality.

You don’t have to have it all figured out.

Like we said, there are a lot of terms people use to describe their sexual identity and/or gender orientation. Some of them might even feel like they fit for a while, but you could later decide that they don’t really describe who you are. Learning about yourself and your sexuality is a journey, and it’s actually a really beautiful thing.

Your safety is important.

If you don’t feel it’s safe for you to be out in certain contexts—whether with family, at work, at school, or anywhere else—you should trust that instinct. It doesn’t mean you’re denying who you are, it means you’re making the best and safest decision for you.

You don’t have to justify or explain your identity to anyone you don’t want to.

If you want to share your journey with people in your life, go for it! But if you’re not ready to come out yet or share this part of yourself with people, that’s okay, too. You can share as much or as little as you want when it comes to your sexual orientation.

You aren’t alone.

Although your journey with your sexual orientation is unique, you don’t have to do it alone. If it feels safe, you can include your loved ones as you figure it all out, but if that’s not an option for you, you’re still not alone. There are tons of supportive LGBTQ+ people who can support you on your journey.

Some organizations you might want to look into if you’re trying to find your LGBTQ+ community are:

  • PFLAG. There are over 400 chapters across 50 states, so you can connect with LGBTQ+ people in your area who have been where you are.
    • Q Chat Space. If you’re between the ages of 13 and 19 and questioning your sexuality, you can join live online chats for LGBTQ+ and questioning teens facilitated by experienced staff who work at LGBTQ+ centers around the country.
    • TrevorSpace. This is an online community for LGBTQ+ young people ages 13 to 24, where you can join discussion groups and get advice from other people.
    • Your local LGBTQ+ community center. If you live in an area with a dedicated LGBTQ+ community center, they likely have support groups for people who are LGBTQ+ or questioning their sexual identity. They may also have groups for LGBTQ+ people of specific races, ethnicities, ages, or other intersecting identities.
    • Your local community center. Even if you don’t have an LGBTQ+ community center, your local community center may have an LGBTQ+ support group or LGBTQ+ social events that you can check out.

    Find support and comfort through queer representation.

    Reading books about LGBTQ+ people or watching LGBTQ+ movies can help you make sense of your own identity. There are tons of movies and TV shows with gay, queer, and lesbian representation that you can stream. Or you can start getting into the many LGBTQ+ podcasts out there, from ones that teach you about queer history to ones that address issues that LGBTQ+ people face today.

    You can always reach out for help if you need it.

    In addition to the above organizations that provide support groups and other forums for connecting with LGBTQ+ people, there are plenty of other resources you can turn to as you figure things out.

    • The Trevor Project. The Trevor Project has tons of resources to help you learn about different sexual orientations, mental health, gender identity, and more. They also offer LGBTQ+ informed crisis counselors you can talk to via chat, phone, or text.
    • The LGBT National Help Center. This organization operates three national hotlines to provide peer support, information, and other resources to LGBTQ people. They also offer support via online chat and weekly moderated chats for LGBTQ youth.
    • The It Gets Better Project. It Gets Better helps highlight stories and connect lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer youth around the world. They also have a resource page where you can find information and support about everything from crisis resources to legal assistance to housing insecurity, with a focus on LGBTQ+ people.

    Complete Article HERE!

  • Why do men search for gym buddies on Grindr? An investigation

    Grindr has both defined itself by and come to define the language of queer men. One of the most recent trends to be seen across people’s profiles is the rise of the hunt for ‘gym buddies’.

    By

    Downloading Grindr – then deleting it, before re-downloading it, only to delete it again – has become a modern rite of passage for queer men. The hook-up app revolutionised dating and sex when it arrived in 2009, inspiring the likes of Tinder and the digitised, swipe-heavy dating world of today. Grindr changed gay culture forever too: it created a visual map that proved that gay and bi men are literally everywhere (sometimes just feet away!). The app quickly became the most popular gay app in the world and, by 2014, it had seven million users worldwide. It’s been referenced in many TV shows and films too, from Glee to How to Get Away With Murder, The Real Housewives and, perhaps most fittingly, Trainwreck.

    So many discussions about gay culture end up circling back to Grindr, from body image to sexual racism, “chemsex” and bottom-shaming. On the app, users often behave differently to how they would in “real life” and gay Twitter is often flooded with screengrabs of men behaving badly, brutally and straight-up bizarrely. There’s a whole glossary of emoji-driven codes and even visual “tribes” – such as “otters”, “daddies”, “clean cut” and “twinks” – which would take a very long time to explain to most straight people.

    One trend that I’ve noticed – and have long been intrigued by – is men looking for a “gym buddy” on Grindr. On user profiles, it’s very common to see the desire for a “gym bud” listed alongside someone’s favourite drink (usually gin), height, body type and preferred sexual position. But why?

    On the face of things, a gym buddy is just a friend to go to the gym with. Some people do use Grindr for platonic connections, particularly if they’ve just moved somewhere new, but it’s nevertheless an intriguing place to look for a gym companion. Michael, a 24-year-old gay man who enjoys group exercise classes and going to the gym with friends, thinks this trend makes sense. “Personally, I used to find the gym an incredibly difficult place to be. It was like hyper-masculinity on speed, with this immense pressure to be fit, strong and ultimately to know what you’re doing,” he tells GQ. “I think working out with somebody can break that intimidation because it’s a) somebody to back up what you’re doing and b) potentially somebody to guide or coach you. It’s safety in numbers in what can be a scary place.”

    Personally, the idea of being sweaty and exhausted around someone I don’t know very well fills me with dread (particularly if he’s also a gay man which, no, I won’t be unpacking at this time!). But that’s not Michael’s experience. “In the age of athleisure and boutique gyms, the gym doesn’t have to be a gross and sweaty place,” he says. “People look good at the gym. Plus, they can suck each other off in the steam room or have sex in the shower.”

    After speaking with Grindr users in London, I can confirm that Michael is right in suspecting that sometimes the search for gym buddies goes beyond a platonic friendship. There’s obviously a reason why men are using Grindr, specifically, in this way (there are already apps for finding a gym buddy, such as GymBuddy and SportPartner). Some guys, such as 26-year-old James*, were genuinely using Grindr to look for a pal to exercise with, because “Straight men might think I’m hitting on them or not be comfortable working out with me. Or, even if they aren’t thinking that, the feeling that they might be would make me feel awkward.” But others, such as 28-year-old Callum*, were hoping for “something more” if the attraction was there, because “You have more time to work out whether a guy is hot at the gym than in nudes he’s probably edited, or just before a hook-up, and it’s less pressure than meeting somewhere else.”

    It’s hardly surprising that the gym might seem like a particularly fruitful backdrop for sex – after all, they are spaces full of sweaty men in not much clothing. On gay Twitter, it seems like everyone has a “gym crush” and there’s also an entire genre of porn that fetishises gyms and the locker room. In 2019, Vice UK investigated why so many gay men still go cruising at the gym, after a Virgin Active health club emailed its members saying it would be sending in undercover police to check for “inappropriate behaviour”. Many garments that have become part of the sartorial language of gay men, from jockstraps to tube socks and short shorts, are also rooted in sportswear. For some, there is clearly a feeling of empowerment in being legibly gay in a hyper-masculine space or reclaiming an aesthetic or pastime that they once felt excluded from.

    Gyms are horny, but also quite anxious, places for some gay men. “So many of my clients are uncomfortable in gyms,” says Matt Boyles, founder of Fitter Confident You, a fitness company that helps gay, bi and trans guys get into exercise. When it comes to the link between “gym buddies” and sex, Boyles thinks it’s twofold: “The gym is how you can build your body and thus appear more ‘manly’. Speaking from personal experience, I used to think that would make me seem more ‘straight’.” Boyles also suspects that gyms can be a “stepping stone” for some gay men, because many have saunas and steam rooms, which can be a build up to visiting gay saunas. “This might appeal to men who are sexually attracted to men, but don’t want to seem overly ‘gay’ in any other way,” he says.

    But why would men go to the trouble of auditioning a “gym bud” rather than simply going on a date or straight to sex? “Grindr is known for having users who don’t necessarily identify as gay or bi, so they’ve maybe experimented, or may identify as straight, but still want to have sex with men,” gay fitness writer Spenser Mestel tells GQ. “I think that looking for a ‘gym buddy’ is perhaps a way for them to engage with gay men, even though they aren’t able to express what their sexual desires are. If they’re not comfortable asking for the kind of sex that they actually want, this is a stand-in for that.”

    Mestel is right that, on Grindr, a lot of the profiles looking for a “gym buddy” identify themselves as “straight”. Many don’t have photos on their profiles and some are in relationships with women. One man, who didn’t share his name, told me that he wouldn’t want to be seen on a date with a man as he’s not out. He also can’t host men at his house, because he’s married to a woman and doesn’t like sending pictures of his face on Grindr. So the gym is a risk-free place to meet men who might not otherwise agree to meet him. Another user, who specifically labelled himself as “Str8” and a “top” (the penetrative role in gay sex), tells me that he’s only into “masculine” men sexually but has no interest in any chat. “I always need to cum most after a workout, so the gym showers are the easiest place and gay men are more into NSA [no strings attached] sex than women,” he says.

    It might sound perplexing to hear about men on Grindr identifying as straight, but it’s not uncommon for a distinction and hierarchy to be drawn between sexual activity and romantic relationships (this can be seen as far back as Ancient Greece). Some people also perceive a difference between a physical behaviour, such as sex with men, and the formation of a “gay identity.” Plus, even in the UK in 2021, not everyone has the ability to be open about their sexuality.

    Social psychology might also tell us why men, particularly those who consider themselves masculine or straight, might highlight the gym as important to them on an app. Social psychologist Russell Spears theorises that when we go online in a more anonymous or semi-anonymous environment, where there’s less information about people, we rely more on social norms (such as, for men to be sporty and strong). Spears calls this tendency the “de-individualisation hypothesis”, which might be a reason why “straight” men on Grindr emphasise their commitment to exercise.

    The gym and Grindr are both places where men might feel competitive with each other or insecure about their masculinity. Mestel thinks this affects gay men in particular. “I think already at the gym, for gay men, there’s a sense of ‘Am I attracted to this person? Or am I just jealous of them?’,” he says. “Our workout routines are very personal to us and intimate, which makes me think having a ‘gym buddy’ is less about working out and more about connecting in a masculine, sanctioned way.” Boyles thinks that it could also be about lessening the pressure of rejection. “If you just say, ‘Shall we go to the gym together?’ and get rejected, it’s less damaging to your self-esteem,” he says. “And it also allows men to justify their reason for being on a gay hook-up app: ‘I’m on Grindr, but I mainly use it for gym buddies!’”

    These types of negotiations remind me of something PhD student Robin Craig observed while discussing why men might make an effort to appear more masculine over text. Speaking to GQ in April, he drew a parallel between how men talk on Grindr and the barbershop, as a nearly male-only space where men are seeking physical intimacy,” he said, remarking on how both spaces see an increase in men saying “man”, “dude”, “bro” and “mate”. “The use of male slang reinforces the speaker’s masculinity in a space where it’s placed in jeopardy, such as a gay male cruising app,” he added. Surely, then, the same parallel can also be drawn between the digital space of Grindr and the physical space of the gym?

    At first, the search for gym buddies on Grindr might seem like a bizarre trend that isn’t noteworthy. But actually, it intersects with some big questions about how men (from gay to “straight”) feel like they’re supposed to behave in different spaces. The gym and Grindr actually have a lot in common: they’re both places where there’s an emphasis on self-improvement, where there’s a perception of competition, where masculinity is being flaunted, questioned and, crucially, where sex might be on the cards. So, really, how could men not be looking for “gym buddies” on Grindr? They’re natural bedfellows – pun intended.

    Complete Article HERE!

    The 7 best lesbian sex positions for breathtaking and monumental orgasms

    The best lesbian sex positions will spice up your sex life

    By

    Trying out the best lesbian sex positions could take your sex life to a whole new level. Expect pleasure, intimacy, and mind-blowing orgasms with our expert-approved positions.

    When it comes to lesbian sex, there’s a lot more to it than both partners just using their favorite vibrator. But, with so little education on queer sex available from traditional sex education sources, many people who identify as women find it difficult to define what counts as sex when hooking up with people of the same gender.

    In most cases, sex education is heteronormative and takes a gender binary perspective which can be exclusionary of queer sex and lesbian sex. “Our first formal ideas about sex are that sex is when a man puts his penis in a woman’s vagina. This excludes anyone who is not a heterosexual cisgender person and creates a restrictive view of what sex is,” says Isabelle Uren, an expert at sex blog Bed Bible.

    When we approach sex from a non-biased perspective, things become clearer. Sexual Health Doctor Dr. Eleanor Draeger says, “I would define any activity that could pass on a Sexually Transmitted Infection as sex. Which means that vaginal sex, anal sex and oral sex all count as lesbian sex, as does penetration with something other than a penis, such as fingers, or a sex toy.”

    There are plenty of myths about lesbian sex that also might affect what women having sex with other women think are the best sex positions. The most prevalent is that scissoring or tribbing AKA the act of rubbing one’s vulva against someone else’s is the only way to enjoy lesbian sex. Followed by the idea that in order to enjoy sex fully, one person must assume the role of ‘the man.’

    Lesbian sex or sex between two people who identify as women is far more varied and enjoyable than the myths suggest. “There’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to sex,” says Patricia, Co-Founder of sex toy company Vibio. “The best lesbian sex positions are those that are comfortable and allow our bodies to relax and focus on the sensations.”

    It’s all about trying different positions and finding out the one that works for you. And this is where the fun begins!

    Best sex positions for blended orgasms

    “The key to blended orgasms is simple,” says Patricia. “A good mix of internal and external stimulation.” If you use rabbit vibrators, you’ll be familiar with blended orgasms. They are caused by a mix of stimulation to different areas of the body and are considered by experts to be the most intense type of orgasm.

    Clitoral and internal stimulation from penetration is the most widely known combination, but blended orgasms can also come from anal penetration or nipple stimulation, amongst others. “Not everyone will be able to have a blended orgasm,” says Dr. Draeger. “But the best way to achieve one would be to get yourself into a position where you and/or your partner can stimulate more than one of the erogenous zones at the same time.”

    1. MISSIONARY

    How to do it: Whether we’re talking hetero or lesbian sex positions, missionary is a timeless classic for a reason. The receiving partner can relax and focus on the sensations, and the giving partner in top also has easy access to their partner’s vulva.

    Why it’s great: The missionary position is great for manual clitoral stimulation, oral sex, or penetrative sex with fingers or a dildo, depending on what both partners feel comfortable with.

    Make it sexier: Try propping up the receiver with a pillow or wedge for easier access to the receiver’s vulva and deeper penetration for access to the g-spot. The receiving partner lies on their back with their hips propped up while the giving partner lies between their partner’s legs and stimulates the whole vulva, including the labia and clitoris. When ready, they can insert their fingers or a dildo into their partner’s vagina. To maximize g-spot stimulation, they can use a ‘come here’ motion on the front wall of their partner’s vagina.

    2. SIDEWAYS 69

    How to do it: The 69 but not as you know it. In fact, this variation is much more comfortable for all involved. Instead of one partner being on top, both partners lie on their sides, facing opposite directions with their legs open. Using lips and tongues to stimulate the whole vulva during oral sex.

    Why it’s great: “There’s a reason the 69 is sex position royalty. There’s something so crazily arousing about the responsiveness of this position—the more pleasure you feel, the more intensely you pleasure your partner,” says Patricia.

    Make it sexier: A modified 69 position is perfect for kissing, licking, and nibbling breasts and nipples. Align your mouths with each other’s vulvas, breasts, and stomachs using hands for added sensation.

    “For additional stimulation, use one of the best lubes to help your fingers glide over your partner’s clitoris. Experiment with different movements and pressures, such as tapping or circling the clitoris and consider using clitoral suction vibrators that stimulate the internal and external parts of the clitoris on your partner or for mutual masturbation,” says Isabelle.

    Best sex positions for clitoral orgasms

    Anyone with a vulva can pursue a clitoral orgasm and there are some key positions that can help achieve this, regardless of whether you want to know how to have an orgasm alone or with a partner, manually or with toys.

    While most clitoral orgasms typically require no penetration it’s worth noting that a clitoral orgasm can be achieved in various ways. Many people believe the clitoris is just the glans—the part that protrudes from the top of the vulva. The clitoris is actually a much larger organ.

    “Typically, the first third of the vaginal canal is the most sensitive. It is the one surrounded by the bulbs and legs of the clitoris so you’ll be stimulating the clitoral cluster just by staying a couple of centimeters in. Any position that allows you to combine this with direct stimulation of the clitoris is a winner for clitoral orgasms,” says Patricia.

    “The best way to know what works for you in terms of how to have an orgasm is to practice on yourself first so that you can communicate effectively with any sexual partners you might have in the future,” says Dr. Draeger.

    3. CLASSIC COWGIRL

    How to do it: The classic Cowgirl position, AKA one person lying down while the other is seated on top of them, can be one of the most enjoyable lesbian sex positions. Begin by straddling your partner and moving as you would as if using your hands to masturbate while seated. Then use your hips to grind together and stimulate your vulva and your partners’.

    Why it’s great: This position allows the person on top to control the speed, pressure and intensity. As they are in control, the person on top can relax into the sensation without feeling uncomfortable. If you’re capable of achieving multiple orgasms, this is also the perfect position to attempt a few in a row.

    Make it sexier: Introduce a toy that stimulates both partners, such as a double-ended dildo. Some find adding penetration too intense in this position, so remember that you can experiment with sensation using toys like nipple clamps, handcuffs, and silky ties too and with stimulation by simply introducing dirty talk, kissing, and touching.

    4. FACESITTING OR QUEENING

    How to do it: In this position, the receiving partner kneels with their knees on either side of their partner’s face while their partner performs oral sex and uses their hands to caress their partner’s thighs and butt.

    Why it’s great: “The receiving partner has more control over the pace and rhythm, as they can rock their hips back and forth—a motion that can also increase the chance of orgasm. The receiving partner can also use their hands to massage their breasts and nipples. That’s a whole lot of stimulation,” says Isabelle.

    Make it sexier: Introducing some consensual bondage for beginners can take this position to new heights. Experiment with restricting movement or tying hands using ropes, silky restraints or handcuffs. Or add blindfolds and collars and leashes to control how you and your partner move while in this position.

    Best sex positions for body conscious women

    Regardless of who you’re hooking up with, whether your sex is with a partner, a stranger you met on one of the best lesbian dating apps or a friend, being intimate comes with its drawbacks. People who identify as female often struggle with body image issues during sex and for many, the prevalence of mainstream porn has a lot to do with how we perceive our own bodies. While ethical porn for women can help with how women see their bodies, it can take time and awareness to overcome body-conscious feelings.

    If you are don’t feel as attractive as your partner, this can affect your ability to enjoy sex. Likewise, if you struggle with a chronic pain condition or physical disability, it’s important to remember that pleasure and closeness are what’s important here, not how you look.

    “Lesbian sex is not a performance, it can be as intimate and explorative as we want it to be,” says Patricia. “It’s important to remember that if someone is having sex with you, it’s because they find you attractive. The best positions are those that make your body feel good, not look good.”

    5. SPOONS

    How to do it: Add a sexy twist to the much-loved spooning position. “Spooning is fantastic for breast and clitoral stimulation either manually or with a vibrator or for penetration with a strap-on,” says Isabelle.

    Why it’s great: This position can feel safer than positions where you feel your body is more on show and therefore is good for people who are concerned about their bodies being on display. It’s also great for creating intimacy and slow, mindful tantric sex.

    Make it sexier: Adding your favorite sex toy, such as a strap-on or vibrator, can be a gamechanger in this position. With your and your partners’ hands free to explore, use multiple toys for a range of stimulation and spend as much time as you like lying comfortably together.

    6. KNEELING SPOONS

    How to do it: If you’d like to take spooning to a new level, try kneeling while spooning. While both kneeling, the giving partner can reach around to stimulate their partner’s clitoris with their fingers or a vibrator. The receiving partner can also rock back and forth, grinding their clitoris against their partner’s hand.

    Why it’s great: The biggest issue with spooning while lying down is that one arm is always partially restricted so this modification allows for much more freedom. This position creates intense closeness and plenty of opportunities to use fingers and toys for extra sensation.

    Make it sexier: Position your partner between your body and a wall so you can control the intensity of your movements and restrict theirs. With your partner facing the wall you can kiss their neck, whisper into their ear and press their body firmly against the surface in front while you grind against them. You can also hold their hands in place against the wall if you’re both comfortable with doing so.

    7. ON ALL FOURS

    How to do it: For two people with vulvas, one person kneels on all fours and the other applies pressure to the receiver’s erogenous zones from behind. This can be with hands, their mouth or with toys. Whether you opt for external stimulation, penetration of the vagina or the anus or all three is totally up to you. Just be sure to go slow as this can be a vulnerable position for the receiver.

    Why it’s great: “Often, on-top positions can be more intimidating if you feel self-conscious about your weight, so going for positions that highlight the parts of your body you feel confident about is always more enjoyable,” says Isabelle.

    “Positions where your partner stimulates you from behind, give them a great view of your butt while giving you more coverage of the front of your body if that is what you prefer. You can also use furniture and props to help you feel more supported, such as on all fours with pillows underneath you or leaning over a kitchen counter or chair.”

    Make it sexier: There are so many ways to make the all-fours position sexier, from having the receiver hold a body wand vibrator against their own clitoris to using toys like ticklers, crops and floggers for gentle to more intense stimulation. The excitement is in trusting your partner whilst not knowing what might come next.

    Complete Article HERE!

    Choosing Everything

    — Why Queerness Is Freedom To Me

    By Rebecca Woolf

    First, I want to give thanks to all the queer people who didn’t have the luxury of being offered opportunities to write essays about their queerness, and certainly not for pay. I recognize that the privilege I have in writing such an essay, specifically about mid-life queer awakening, is because of all the queer activists who refused to be minimized. I honor every person who has a story they cannot tell, and every person who has one, but was refused a platform — or wasn’t ever afforded the decency of having their humanity recognized.

    The first time I had sex with a woman I was 38 years old. This is not counting the times I participated in male-gaze-y sexual situations that were so performative I instinctively duck my head as I write this out of cringe.

    In other words, when I was younger, I got drunk and felt up my friends in front of dudes sometimes. Because I knew they would think it was hot.

    Throughout my early twenties, I was almost always the straight girl in a sea of gays. And while I was always attracted to women, I was also petrified of them. I was so detached sexually at that point in my life that the idea of connecting with a person anything like me — even if only in body — was a paralyzing thought.

    Beyond that, from the vantage point of a femme, straight-identifying white woman who had no experience with homophobia save for speaking out against it on behalf of my friends, it felt disingenuous for me to identify as anyone other than this version of myself: straight, but up for experimenting.

    If I were to sexually identify my early 20-something self now, though, it would be “imposter.”  I was a woman masquerading as whatever the man I was fucking was turned on by; unable to articulate her own wants and needs and, frankly, unsure of what they even were.

    But all of that changed when, after 14 years of marriage, I became single again at 37. What a relief it was to feel as if I could start over. I was my new life partner now, and to her I solemnly swore that the only gaze I would prioritize from now on was my own.

    Entering a sort of reclamation phase, I opened myself up to every possible situation that excited me. There would be no labels on any of it. No expectations. Just freedom to move about the cabin without turbulence.

    Unbuckled, wandering me.

    Heteroflexible was a term I first heard via the sex positive dating app Feeld, and it was one that resonated immediately. It felt peripherally queer. Like strapping training wheels to my bike and exploring a new cul-de-sac. Beyond that, it suggested a sort of indefinability which appealed to the part of me who never wanted to be labeled again.

    Sexually and otherwise, it felt like a misrepresentation for me to identify with a community that had been marginalized in a way I never felt I was — friends who had been kicked out of their homes, banished from their churches, spat on, beaten up or worse, all for coming out of the closet.

    And as a cis, white, hetero-passing person, who has never struggled in the way so many of my friends have, I have found myself questioning whether or not there was even a need for people like me to come out. I live in Los Angeles after all. Queerness in our community is the norm. I can count how many straight-identifying girlfriends I have on one hand. Straightness comes as more of a surprise, if I’m being honest.

    Not that we are, in any way, living in a post-biphobic society. Statistically speaking, bisexual people, specifically those with cis partners are the least likely to come out.

    And it wasn’t until recently that it occurred to me that in the same way I claimed to be an imposter in my early-twenties — centering the male gaze as the only gaze that mattered — I found myself similarly centering all queer voices save for the ones I personally identified with: bisexual cis women.

    Because we can pass as straight. Because we tend to engage in heteronormative sex. Because because because because because….

    It wasn’t until I had my first solo, sexual, no-men-in-the-room experience that I realized, Wait, no, THIS is for me.

    This is for me.

    At one point I felt as if I’d left my body, so overwhelmed was I by the euphoria of connecting to another woman in a way I never had before.

    When it was over, I cried. Beyond the sexual dynamic between women being so profoundly different, I felt like I had been reborn in my own image. The power of experiencing sex without men was overwhelming to me — not because I do not love sex with men but because, up until that point, sexual experiences without men didn’t exist.

    It felt a bit like the dreams I sometimes have, where after years of living in the same house, I discover another room that had been there all along. How could I have missed this? Where have I been all my life?

    This, of course, led to more experiences, which led to a love affair — my first and also hers — a coming-together so overwhelming I assumed, I would only ever love women after this.

    I am done with men! There’s no going back! Cheers to a future with women ONLY.

    But it wasn’t true, and months later, I am once again in a relationship with a cis man — one I happen to love very much.

    I am now extremely aware of the fluidity of my sexuality, which is not unlike my fluidity when it comes to intimate relationships — the wanting, the needing of an open door. And a partner who not only respects that, but desires the same thing.

    Many women who identify as bi, pan, or queer feel like the nuances of having a non-binary sexuality precludes them from being a part of the conversation. When you’re not queer enough to be gay and you’re not straight enough to be straight, your voice tends to come out as a whisper, your experience less validated. Perhaps because we have confused fluidity with fickleness; recognizing our inability to commit to a team without celebrating what that really means.

    And even though I was in free-fall, life-altering-first-love with a woman, I found myself doing what I’d been working so hard NOT to do: pushing myself off the side, standing on the periphery, insisting that my experience was inconsequential. Not valid enough. As a person who claimed to be inclusive, why did I have such a hard time including myself?

    There’s a conundrum in feeling empowered by new freedoms and unworthy of experiencing sexual relationships that might be unfamiliar: Because so many of us have spent years in traditional relationships, we never had the opportunities to pursue them. It’s not because we haven’t wanted to, but rather because monogamous heteronormative relationships have not allowed us to.

    It is because of this that, for many of us, we don’t know where to begin. Additionally, it is not uncommon for women to come into our sexuality later in life, perhaps because we realize how much of it has been wrapped up in performative heteronormativity. We are told our early experiences were just a phase (Oh, her? That was just her “experimenting” in college) while also struggling with our own internalized monosexism, which suggests exclusive heterosexuality and/or homosexuality is superior or more legitimate because it’s specific. This is not to mention the various forms of biphobia claiming that women are only attracted to other women because of the trauma we’ve experienced with men.

    And, because we are so conditioned to get specific — to pick a team — we still feel, even in 2021, that wanting sexual relationships with people of different genders, often simultaneously, makes us indecisive when in reality, many of us, after years of struggling, have finally arrived as our whole selves.

    It makes sense if you think about how our culture is so obsessed not only with binaries, but also with choosing one thing. We don’t think twice about asking our children what their favorite color is. Or asking our date about their favorite film. We want so badly for people to choose, to be decisive about one person or one gender or one sexual orientation. And then we get confused when The One isn’t enough, when we realize we don’t work that way.

    Queerness isn’t just about sexuality and gender. It’s also about embracing healthy lifestyles that do not fit into a white, patriarchal, heteronormative box. This goes beyond intimate partnerships and intersects with inclusion of all people who deserve love, autonomy, pleasure, and joy.

    And isn’t that the whole point of Pride? To pull at the seams of limitation so that everyone, regardless of their past experiences, can pour through the ever-expanding opening? So that all humans — regardless of gender expression or sexual orientation — can experience such moments of intense realization without the fear of repercussions? I want everyone who feels similarly to be able to explore their feelings unencumbered, to experience the euphoria of connection without obstruction.

    I have long made an effort to center those who have always identified as queer. But, as a way to understand how to include myself — while also being mindful of the many privileges I possess as someone who has never had to fight against anyone else’s bias to love who I love — I have also spent this time embracing my own version of heteronormative defiance. It’s one that is personal to me, and no one else. It’s a reminder to myself that a person’s truth is theirs to experience, define, and prioritize — not on the periphery of other people’s experience, but to center as our own.

    All of this is why, in the end, I knocked the heteroflexible from my dating bio and replaced it with queer.

    It is a beautiful thing to stay open. To liberate ourselves from all gazes beyond our own. That’s queerness to me. It’s about embracing the nuances of sexuality and gender and defining ourselves as indefinable. It’s about allowing ourselves to trust our bodies, to listen to our own wants and needs — especially as women and mothers who have centered everyone else’s for so long, only to wake up and realize we have never even asked ourselves what we want out of love — out of sex; out of connection.

    And, as we collectively celebrate Pride this month, no matter where we are in our journey and what it took to get to queerness, may we remember that Pride was always a protest against the puritanical fear of queer liberation, acceptance and joy. It has always been a celebration of freedom to live and love and fuck with abandon, in bodies that are worthy of uninhibited truth — filtered through no one’s gaze but our own.

    Complete Article HERE!

    How To Explore Your Sexuality In A Personal And Fulfilling Way

    Hint: Labels don’t matter.

    By

    Maybe you got a tingle down there during Portrait of a Lady on Fire (#relatable). Perhaps you’ve only been attracted to women your whole life, but now you’re having wild sex dreams feat. your swoony male Peloton instructor. Or maybe you’ve been smooching people across the gender spectrum for years, and are just now trying to find a label that fits. Whatever the reason, if you’re exploring your sexuality (or want to be), you’ve landed in the right place.

    “It is absolutely normal and common to explore your sexuality to figure out what and who you like and don’t like at one or more point in your life,” says queer sex educator Marla Renee Stewart, MA, a sexpert for Lovers adult wellness brand and retailer. In fact, one 12,000 person survey published in Journal of Sex Research found that sexuality changes substantially (substantially!) between adolescence and early twenties, and then again from early twenties to late twenties, which suggests that exploring your sexuality is not just common, but necessary in order to achieve self-knowing.

    As for WTF your sexuality is exactly? Washington-based sex therapist Katrina Knizek says sexuality is a big, broad term that names a number of things. These include: who you are sexually attracted to, who you are romantically attracted to, your preferred relationship structure, how you like to be touched, the time of day you like to have sex, your erotic content preferences, your past and current beliefs about sex, your kinks and fetishes, your past sexual experiences, and more.

    But typically, when people talk about ~exploring their sexuality~, they want to figure out who they have the capacity to be sexually, romantically, or emotionally attracted to (a.k.a their sexual orientation), Knizek says. And if that’s why you’re here, you’re in luck: Ahead, queer sex educators and therapists offer tips to help you Dora The Explorer your sexual orientation.

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    First of all, do I even need to label my sexuality?

    Big nope! For some folks, labels offer identity security. Gabi, 28, Boston, says, “For me, identifying as bisexual feels like coming home.” Using the term, she explains, allows her to own and feel valid in her lived experiences.

    “Labeling yourself also offers the benefits of helping you more easily find people with similar experiences to enter a community with,” says Knizek. (Think: lesbian book club or bisexual bowlers.) Having a label(s) can also be helpful when you’re actively dating. “It gives you something to put in your Tinder bio, or allows you to name the genders you’re interested in if someone offers to set you up,” she adds.

    At the same time, others find sexuality labels suffocating. “I’ve dated people—women, men, and non-binary people—but I don’t want to identify as bisexual, pansexual, or omnisexual because labeling myself feels like boxing myself in,” Ash, 22, Hartford says.

    Even still, some people find one label ineffective at naming their desires, and choose to stack two or more labels together. Personally, I identify as a queer, bisexual dyke because the trio names my lived experience better than any label individually.

    Before you decide to buck labels altogether or add one (or more) of them to your identity laundry list, you should know what the common sexual orientation terms are. Here are several to consider:

    • Allosexual: The opposite of asexual, people who are allosexual regularly experience sexual attraction or desire.
    • Asexual: Asexuality is an identity and/or orientation that includes individuals who don’t experience sexual attraction to anyone, of any gender.
    • Bicurious: Bicurious is a label for folks who are exploring whether or not they are bisexual. Typically, “bicurious” is seen as a temporary identity.
    • Bisexual: Describes people who have the capacity for sexual, romantic, or emotional attraction to people with genders similar to their own, and dissimilar to their own. Sometimes also defined as attraction to two or more genders.
    • Demisexual: An orientation on the asexuality spectrum, demisexuality describes people who only have the capacity to experience sexual attraction towards someone(s) they already have a romantic or emotional connection with.
    • Fluid: Describes people whose sexual orientation changes over time, or is constantly in flux.
    • Gay: Names individuals who are sexually attracted to individuals with genders that are the same or similar to their own.
    • Graysexual: Also on the asexuality spectrum, “graysexuality” is a term people use if they rarely experience sexual attraction.
    • Lesbian: The most historically accurate definition of lesbian is non-men who are attracted to other non-men. But sometimes, the term is also defined as women who experience attraction to people of the same or similar gender.
    • Omnisexual: Used to describe individuals who have the potential to be attracted to folks of all genders.
    • Pansexual: Names people who can experience attraction to any person, regardless of their gender.
    • Queer: An umbrella term someone might use if they are not heterosexual, not allosexual, or not cisgender. Sometimes used by people who don’t fit neatly into any other sexual orientation category.
    • Questioning: A temporary label for someone who is currently curious about their sexuality.

    Okay, what if want to explore my sexuality, but I’m in a relationship?

    Fingers crossed it’s a happy, healthy, and fulfilling one. And if your ‘ship is, good news: It’s still entirely possible to explore your sexuality and/or sexual orientation while boo-ed up. That holds true whether you’re in a monogamous relationship (meaning, you are each other’s one and only), or in an open or polyamorous relationship (you’re able to explore other people sexually, romantically, and/or emotionally).

    “Your sexual orientation exists and is valid whether you are actively dating and sleeping with the gender, or all the genders you’re attracted to,” says Knizek. In other words, you’re still bisexual if you’re only sleeping with someone of a different gender than you, and you can still be lesbian if currently dating a man. “Self-identification, not current or past relationship or sexual history, determines sexual orientation,” she says. Noted!

    How exactly can I explore my sexuality?

    To start your sexploration, Knizek recommends filling your social feed with folks across the sexuality spectrum. “These influencers will give you a sense of who you can be, or what your future might look like,” she says. So, as you scroll, notice which creators you see yourself in.

    If you’re a Very Offline Person™ (jelly!), you could intentionally and respectfully put yourself in queer spaces. For instance, you might grab a beer at your local queer bar, or buy your next read from a queer-owned bookstore. Also worth trying: listening to an LGBTQ podcast.

    Next, reflect, reflect, and reflect some more. Knizek suggests spending some time noodling or penning on questions like:

    • Who do I feel most magnetically drawn to in my life?
    • In what ways do I want to explore my sexuality?
    • Where did I learn compulsory heterosexuality?
    • What label(s) feel good coming out of my mouth?

    Oh, and don’t forget, you can masturbate! Defined as any practice of self-pleasure, a regular masturbation practice can help you understand what and who turns you on. “As you touch yourself, fantasize about a variety of genders, and watch straight and queer (ethical) porn, to discover who you’re most drawn to,” says Knizek.

    Do I need to come out?

    You may want to tell someone(s) that you’re currently exploring your sexuality, or that you did explore your sexuality and settled on a new label(s). Or, you may not want to. Either way, you don’t need to do anything. “It’s a personal decision,” says Knizek.

    On one hand, “sharing your sexuality with other people can be a powerful, wonderful, and affirming experience,” she says. On the other, if the receiver doesn’t respond to the news with the kindness you deserve (*side eye*), it can also be a scary, stability-slashing experience.

    Stewart’s suggestion: “If you are dependent on someone or if coming out could put you in danger, weigh the benefits and consequences of sharing this information to ensure your own personal safety.” And if telling someone does result in a sticky situation, do what you can to get to a place of safety ASAP. Maybe even call The Trevor Project, an LGBTQ youth service center, at 866-488-7386 for help or guidance.

    The bottom line: Knizek emphasizes that while many people are nervous about exploring their sexuality, the process “can be fun and fulfilling.” And who knows? You might have some great solo, partnered, or multi-partnered nookie along the way—or simply find a new group of pals.

    Complete Article HERE!

    What does it mean to be Queer?

    Definition and history explained

    The word ‘queer’ can represent an orientation, a community, a form of activism – and often, all three.

    By

    Over the last few decades, the word ‘queer’ has been reclaimed as an expression of empowerment by a large part of the LGBTQ+ community. For people who exist outside the gender or sexual norm, it can represent an orientation, a community, a form of activism – and often, all three.

    Unlike labels such as ‘lesbian‘ or ‘non-binary’, which focus on a single aspect of someone’s identity – sexuality or gender, respectively – the term ‘queer’ encompasses both. However, since the term means different things to different people, its definition transcends any meaning that is pinned to it.

    We spoke to Dr Kate Tomas, a spiritual empowerment mentor for women and non-binary people, Philip Baldwin, an LGBTQ rights activist, and Liz Edman, leading LGBTQ+ theologian and author of Queer Virtue, about what ‘queer’ means today:

    What does queer mean?

    Queer is predominantly used as an umbrella term to describe sexual orientations and gender identities other than heterosexual and cisgender (people whose gender identity and expression matches the sex they were assigned at birth). For people across the LGBTQ+ spectrum, the word ‘queer’ can also convey a sense of community, acceptance, kinship, and represent a revolutionary, political rejection of heteronormativity.

    ‘Queer can be used in a range of contexts by LGBTQ+ people,’ Baldwin explains. ‘It can be used by people who want to reject specific labels of romantic orientation, sexual orientation and/or gender identity. It can also be used by people who want to challenge perceived norms of the LGBTQ+ community – for example, seeking to reject racism, sizeism or ableism.’

    Queerness can convey a sense of community, acceptance, kinship, and represents a revolutionary rejection of heteronormativity.

    Up until very recently, the word ‘queer’ was exclusively a homophobic slur. ‘It was first reclaimed in the late 1980s,’ says Balwin. ‘A younger generation of LGBTQ+ people now increasingly use the term. It can be empowering – some LGBTQ+ people associate the word with a sense of community and acceptance.’ Not everyone feels this way, he adds, so it’s important to listen to LGBTQ+ people and find out how they identify.

    Not only is the word ‘queer’ interpreted in different ways by different people, but it can mean many different things to an individual, too. As an author, says Edman, ‘One of the first questions people always ask me is ‘how do you use the word ‘queer’? The word ‘queer’ means two things to me. It is an umbrella term comprising various iterations of Queer sexual identity and experience.

    ‘Basically, it’s a neat and nifty way to communicate what is otherwise an increasingly cumbersome list of initials that begin LGBTQIA,’ she says. ‘I like ‘queer’ in this sense because it can hold identities and preferences that are being felt and named now and into the future.’ In addition, Edman’s work ‘draws on the academic discipline of Queer Theory, where “to queer” is to rupture false binaries – or put another way, to disrupt rigid, black and white thinking.’


    Is ‘queer’ an insult?

    ‘The label “queer”, when used by people hostile to difference, is a slur,’ says Dr Tomas. ‘All slurs act in the same way: it is a way of labelling someone as sub-human, indicating to the world that they do not deserve to be treated with humanity or respect. Sometimes the most powerful way to fight back from such an act of violent labelling is to reclaim the term itself.’

    Using the label is a choice that can only be made by the individual. ‘One can self-identify as Queer, but it is not appropriate to label others as Queer because of the history of the word,’ Dr Tomas explains. ‘So, if you know your friend identified as Queer you can talk about your queer friend – but if you think someone is gay, it is not appropriate to refer to them as queer.’

    The history of the word ‘queer’

    The word “queer” hasn’t always related to sexuality and gender. When it entered the English language in the 16th century, queer was a synonym for strange, odd and eccentric. ‘It wasn’t until the 1940s that the term was used a slur against gay people, or anyone who wasn’t gender-conforming,’ says Dr Tomas. ‘To be labelled as “a queer” was extremely dangerous, and would often result in violence, abuse and sometimes death.

    Three decades ago, Queer – with capitalisation to denote a proper noun – was reclaimed, Dr Tomas continues. ‘Reclaiming words that have been used as slurs and weaponised against oppressed communities is a form of resistance,’ she explains. ‘There is power in taking back a term used to shame, humiliate and violate, but that reclamation can only be done by members of that oppressed and marginalised group.’


    How to be more inclusive of Queer people

    It’s easy to make the world a more welcoming, safe space for Queer people. Here’s some pointers on being more inclusive that are actionable right now:

    🌈 Don’t miss the ‘Q’ in LGBTQ: Whenever you talk about sexual orientation and gender identity, make sure you include the word queer.

    🌈 Increase your understanding: Do your own research. ‘Listen to LGBTQ+ people, learn about LGBTQ+ identities and challenge homophobia, biphobia and transphobia whenever you hear it,’ says Baldwin.

    🌈 Don’t make assumptions: Open your mind to the possibility that any person you ever meet might identify as Queer. Avoid drawing conclusions based on your perceptions of who they are.

    🌈 Share your pronouns: ‘Making a point of sharing your own pronouns – “Hi, I am Kate, I use She and Her pronouns” – and not assuming any one else’s are two powerful and impactful ways to make Queer people safe and welcomed,’ says Dr Tomas.

    🌈 Ditch dualisms: Make an effort to use non-gendered language whenever you can, like ‘people’ instead of ‘men and women’ and ‘children’ instead of ‘boys and girls’.

    🌈 Fly the flag: Quite literally, if you can. ‘Displaying the rainbow flag in your businesses will instantly let Queer people know you are safe for them,’ says Dr Tomas.


    What is Queer Theory?

    Queer Theory (QT) explores and challenges the various ways society perpetuates gender-, sex-, and sexuality-based binaries, such as feminine/masculine, man/woman, and heterosexual/homosexual. These binaries reinforce the notion of the minority as abnormal and inferior, Encyclopaedia Britannica writes, ‘for example, homosexual desire as inferior to heterosexual desire, acts of femininity as inferior to acts of masculinity.’

    ‘Thus,’ the text continues, ‘Queer Theory is a call to transgress conventional understandings of gender and sexuality and to disrupt the boundary that separates heterosexuality from homosexuality. Instead, Queer Theorists argue that the heterosexual-homosexual division must be challenged to open space for the multiple identities, embodiments, and discourses that fall outside assumed binaries.’

    In essence, Queer Theory focuses on dismantling oppressive cultural norms. ‘Whether or not you are considered to be “a man” or “a woman” directly impacts how much power you have access to, how much respect you are given, and therefore how safe you are in the world,’ says Dr Tomas. ‘If you happen to not confirm to either of these options for gender presentation, or you are neither a man or a woman, the world is not a safe place.’

    Complete Article HERE!

    Feminism’s legacy sees college women embracing more diverse sexuality

    By , , and

    Most adults identify themselves as heterosexual, meaning they report being attracted to, and engaging in sex with, only members of the other sex. However, women ages 18 to 29 are increasingly rejecting exclusive heterosexuality and describing their sexual orientation in other ways. These changes in women’s sexuality are not mirrored by their male peers.

    That’s the primary finding in our most recent report on nine years of surveys at the Binghamton Human Sexualities Research Lab, just published in “Sexuality in Emerging Adulthood.” Together with our Binghamton University colleagues Richard E. Mattson, Melissa Hardesty, Ann Merriwether and Maggie M. Parker, we conclude that changes in young adults’ sexual orientation are not just as a result of increased social acceptance of LGBT people – but also are related to feminism and the women’s movement.

    LGBT progress

    These findings align with recent polling by the Gallup Organization, which found that American adults are increasingly identifying as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or more than one of those. The Gallup report attributed these changes to increasing public awareness and acceptance of people who identify as LGBT, as well as the influence of a 2015 U.S. Supreme Court case legalizing same-sex marriage nationwide. Another potential factor was proposed federal legislation banning discrimination on the basis of gender identity or sexual orientation.

    But our study goes beyond those poll results, showing that young American adults are shifting away from heterosexuality not just in how they identify themselves when asked about their identities, but also how they describe whom they are attracted to and with whom they have sex. That indicates something more is happening than an increasing willingness to “come out” and identify as LGBT.

    The fact that these differences are larger among women than men indicates, we believe, that feminism and the women’s movement have, in fact, begun to change female sex and gender roles.

    Compulsory heterosexuality

    In the early 1980s, lesbian feminist Adrienne Rich argued that what she called “compulsory heterosexuality” was the primary cause of gender inequality. She said that because social pressures and threats of violence – as well as actual violence – force heterosexuality on women, that made women dependent on and subservient to men in all areas of life, including gender roles and sexual expression.

    Our research indicates that one outcome of more than a century of feminist activism and progress may be women’s increasing resistance to compulsory heterosexuality and its consequences. As a result, more women under 30 are moving away from exclusive heterosexuality than men in the same age group.

    In a related development, we found that women in this age group are also reporting more open attitudes toward sex than previous generations of women. They are separating sex from traditional love relationships, describing themselves as enjoying casual sex with different partners and more likely to have sex with a person before being sure the relationship would become serious or long term. These attitudes are more akin to those of their male peers.

    The shift is more pronounced among women who are moving away from exclusive heterosexuality, and less obvious among women who report they are exclusively heterosexual.

    There’s much more to learn

    We still have a lot of questions about these trends. We wonder how they affect the ways that these young adults engage in sex and relationships. We also don’t know how women who identify themselves as not exclusively heterosexual negotiate and navigate sexual relationships with men – or whether these trends will continue as they age.

    We are also interested in why men in this age group are less likely than women to reject exclusive heterosexuality – but are more likely to report exclusive homosexuality. And we’d like to know whether, or at what point, those who are not exclusively heterosexual might come out to family and friends – and if they deal with things like anti-LGBT prejudice.

    As human sexuality becomes increasingly diverse, it remains unclear whether the political and social landscape will affirm these changes or threaten those who are expressing that diversity. We are hopeful that the continued success of the LGBT and feminist movements will push society toward an affirming future.

    Complete Article HERE!