Category: Sex and Relationships

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How to End a Relationship Without Being a Total Jerk

Breaking up is rarely easy, but it may not have to be so brutal.


by Kasandra Brabaw

If you’ve landed on this page, there’s a good chance you’re thinking about breaking up with someone. Unfortunately, we’re not exactly taught how to end a relationship, let alone how to end a relationship tactfully. So if you’re feeling a bit lost without a roadmap, know that you aren’t alone. The reality is that not every relationship ends with a blow-out fight, a cheating scandal, or a glaring sign that this pairing has run its course. Instead, sometimes relationships fizzle out in more subtle or one-sided ways, which can make ending things a lot more confusing. How can you do what’s best for you if it means most likely hurting someone that you probably still care for in some way?

SELF tapped a few relationship experts to get their advice on navigating this difficult but necessary part of dating. (Worth noting: If you’re trying to end an abusive relationship specifically, it’s good to seek out tips on how to break up with an abusive partner safely. While some of the tips below may still be helpful for some aspects of that situation, resources such as The National Domestic Violence Hotline can provide support tailored to your experience.)

How to know if it’s time to break up

The first step in ending a relationship as respectfully as possible is making sure that this is truly what you want. That may sound obvious, but it’s not always so clear.

“People usually do not feel 100% confident about ending a relationship,” Casey Tanner, M.A., LCPC, AASECT-certified sex therapist and founder of The Expansive Group, tells SELF. “More often, people have parts of themselves that want to leave and other parts that want to stay.”

If you find yourself in a similar situation, it can be really hard to know where to go from here. To avoid an impulsive breakup, Tanner recommends thinking about how consistent and persistent your desire to end the relationship has been. If it’s only been a week or two, leave room for the possibility that you’re just going through a rough patch and may be able to get back on track with your partner if that’s actually what will make you happiest in the long run.

Tanner also recommends reflecting on what would need to change in order for this relationship to move forward, and whether you have given it a fair chance to evolve. For instance, have you addressed your concerns with your partner? Has your partner shown that they can adapt in previous conversations about your relationship? If the reason you’re considering leaving isn’t an immediate dealbreaker (like learning that your partner will never want kids when you do or falling out of romantic love) it might be worth it to put in some work before deciding to call it quits. 

Shadeen Francis, LMFT, a couples therapist who specializes in emotional intelligence, likens a good breakup to a smooth plane landing. “A pilot lets you know you’re approaching a landing significantly before they start bringing down the plane,” she tells SELF. Similarly, it shouldn’t come as a complete surprise to your partner that you’re ending things. Whenever possible, it’s helpful to communicate what’s not working for you before you make the decision to end things. Not only will this help you to avoid blindsiding your partner, but it will also give you the time and space to make sure this is the right decision for you.

One major exception to all of this is if you just know, deep in your gut, that you won’t be happy in this relationship even if you, your partner, or your circumstance changes in certain ways. It’s perfectly valid to leave a relationship if that’s what’s best for you even without major or immediate dealbreakers, and even if you haven’t given the relationship time to change. But it’s often still possible to figure out how to end a relationship in a way you can be proud of under those circumstances.

Finding the “best” time to end things

While there may never be a great time to break up with someone, there are certainly plenty of bad times. Like someone’s birthday. Or right before they head into work for a big presentation. Basically, you want to be mindful of what else is going on in your partner’s life and not add to an already stressful time (if at all possible), notes Megan Fleming, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and sex and marriage therapist. “If your partner is an accountant and it’s the middle of tax season—not a good time,” Dr. Fleming says. Similarly, you probably wouldn’t want to end a relationship when someone is grieving someone who recently died, they just lost their job, or something else stressful or tragic is going on in their life.

Of course, it’s not always possible to find a “good” time, and it’s not a good idea to compromise your own needs by staying in a relationship you don’t want to be in for the sake of your partner, says Shanet Dennis, LMFT, a marriage and family therapist in New York. She offers a few tips for handling a breakup delicately even if you can’t avoid bad timing. First, think about the environment: Pick a private time and place so that you can avoid an audience. Then, acknowledge that you know it’s not a great time. You can say something like, “I know you’re under a lot of stress right now, but I can’t put off this conversation.”

It’s also important to make sure you feel ready to have the conversation. Take some time to write down your thoughts, get organized, and maybe even practice the conversation a few times. “You could play it through with a friend or do it in the mirror, but just get comfortable with the words, because it’s likely to be an emotional conversation,” Dr. Fleming says. 

How to have the breakup conversation

A respectful breakup will be a two-way conversation, so be prepared for this to take a while. “It’s creating space for both of you to really say goodbye,” Dr. Fleming says.

In a perfect world, you’d be coming into your side of the conversation without a ton of regret. This goes back to making sure you’ve done what you can, within reason, to make the relationship work while still being true to your own needs, which may have included previous hard conversations about your relationship or couples therapy. While it can sometimes feel like that was for nothing if you’re ultimately ending the relationship anyway, all that work goes a long way in helping you to have a productive, respectful conversation about why you can’t move forward in the relationship.

Before starting the conversation, consider exactly why you feel the relationship should end, but be careful not to put all of the blame on your partner. “If you understand your reasoning for not wanting to be in a relationship or in that particular relationship, be really clear on it because that’s what eliminates some of the pain,” Dennis says. She recommends focusing on yourself when explaining why. So instead of saying, “You never have enough time for me,” put the focus on your feelings and say, “I’ve realized this relationship isn’t fulfilling all of my needs.” While you can’t avoid all hurt feelings, putting the focus on what you’re missing from the relationship keeps the blame game to a minimum. “It just lands a little differently,” Dennis says. “You’re saying the same thing, but from the ‘I’ perspective it doesn’t feel like an attack.”

It’s important to give your partner the space they need to talk through their feelings too. Understand that each of you is coming to the conversation with different perspectives and different needs. Validation is important in a breakup conversation, though it’s key to remember that validation does not equal agreement, Dr. Fleming says. For instance, you can say “I hear you” or “I understand why you’re hurting,” without implying that you necessarily agree with their viewpoints. “The important piece about this is reflective listening,” Dr. Fleming says. You’re validating your partner’s feelings (within reason), empathizing, and giving them the space to be heard.

As much as you want to empathize and be respectful about your partner’s perspective, Dennis cautions against focusing too much on putting yourself in their shoes. “Breakups can be unpredictable and the initiator is taking a big step towards choosing self,” she says. Your intention in ending the relationship should be avoiding intentional harm, not trying too hard to understand your partner’s perspective.

Beyond creating space for a respectful conversation, Tanner recommends avoiding giving false hope that you can get back together in the future. “If you’re sure about your decision to break up with this person, stay strong in that decision and don’t communicate about the possibility of the relationship reopening,” says Tanner.

Making the post-breakup period less awful

Once the conversation is over, try to respect the level of privacy your partner wants, within reason. If they’d like to wait a few days or weeks before telling friends and family that your relationship is over, try to honor that request. Similarly, it’s a good idea to follow their lead when it comes to post-breakup contact. If they want a clear and immediate break on all fronts, try to respect that. On the other hand, if they want to continue to communicate in a way that you don’t feel comfortable with, be clear about that.

Of course, any relationship that has lasted more than a few weeks will have logistics to deal with in a breakup. Do you keep following each other on social media? Do you go to mutual friends’ parties and birthdays? If you live together, who moves out and who keeps what? If you have pets, do you share custody now, or does one person take the pets? Unfortunately, there’s no easy guide for how to end a relationship. These questions either have to be part of the first breakup conversation, or you’ll have to schedule a second conversation to figure out what happens now. Dennis recommends thinking through your own logistics plan before the breakup conversation even happens. “You don’t want your next move to be dependent on your ex,” she says. That might include finding a place to stay if you live together and making a list of everything you brought to your shared living space or have left at your partner’s place.

If you do decide to have a follow-up conversation about logistics, you’ll again want to be as respectful as possible while knowing that emotions may still understandably be high. When having these conversations “pay attention to your emotional thermometer,” Dr. Fleming says. If things are getting a little too intense, you may want to suggest taking a break and coming back to this at another time, or even managing some of the logistics over email or text. In addition to being a bit less emotional, this has the advantage of putting your agreement in writing, Dennis says. In case anything goes south, it can be helpful to have a written record.

After the details get squared away, there’s really no template for how you and your ex-partner move on from here. In a respectful breakup, the most important thing is to discuss and honor each other’s boundaries. “Use common sense and trust your gut when it tells you what kind of communication feels values aligned, and which communication is preventing necessary healing,” Tanner says.

In the end, it might be impossible to break up with your partner without hurting them. But if you come to the conversation honestly and respectfully, you’ll go a long way toward making this process a bit easier for everyone involved.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How your brain changes when you fall in love

And 4 health benefits

Falling in love sometimes comes with an increased heart rate and feelings of craving your significant other.

By Ashley Laderer

  • Falling in love causes a rush of dopamine and norepinephrine, which make you feel giddy and happy.
  • In a long-term relationship, your brain releases oxytocin and vasopressin, which drive pair-bonding.
  • Love can have health benefits like boosting immunity, dulling pain, and helping you live longer.

When you first fall in love with someone, life feels a little different. You may feel overwhelming euphoria when you’re with the person you love — and you may crave them desperately when they’re not around.

These feelings happen because your brain is behaving differently. Falling in love sparks a rush of good-feeling chemicals that make you feel like you’re on top of the world. As time goes on, these feelings evolve. Butterflies and euphoria may fade away, while the urge to bond and stay together may grow — but why is that?

Here’s how love affects your brain — both in the beginning and long term.

The honeymoon stage

The honeymoon stage typically refers to the first few months of a relationship, but how long it lasts will vary for every couple. During this stage, your brain releases a flood of dopamine and norepinephrine — two neurotransmitters responsible for that giddy, euphoric feeling you get.

  • Dopamine is involved in your brain’s reward system — and the “reward” it makes you crave is the company of the person you love. This explains why you can’t stop thinking about your lover and can’t wait to see them again. The behavior is similar to an addiction. In fact, the same regions in the brain light up when you’re attracted to someone as when a drug addict takes cocaine.
  • Norepinephrine increases your heart rate, keeps you up at night thinking about the person you love, and makes you preoccupied with your partner.

Falling in love can also lower serotonin levels. Lowered serotonin levels are common in people with obsessive-compulsive disorders. This may contribute to why you may feel almost obsessed with your partner — and why you can’t stop thinking about them no matter how hard you try.

Long-term love

When you’re with someone you love for a long time, your brain chemistry tends to change. Instead of dopamine and norepinephrine, your brain releases the neurotransmitters oxytocin and vasopressin.

This is when you may feel the rush of euphoria from the honeymoon stage transform into a calmer state of attachment and companionship, says Sandra Langeslag, PhD, associate professor of behavioral neuroscience at  University of Missouri, St. Louis who specializes in the neurocognition of romantic love.

Oxytocin and vasopressin both drive attachment and pair-bonding, which makes you feel attached to the person you love. These chemicals also contribute to your desire to protect and care for your partner, says Langeslag.

In fact, oxytocin is nicknamed the “cuddle hormone” and it is released during skin-to-skin contact activities like:

  • Breastfeeding
  • Sex
  • Childbirth

The benefits of love

Aside from the fact that love simply feels great, there are some scientifically-proven benefits of it, such as:

1. Love may make you live longer

A 2015 meta-analysis involving 72,000 adults found that those who reported high marital quality (meaning high relationship satisfaction and positive feelings towards their partner) were linked to overall better health and lower risk of mortality.

Additionally, a 2020 study of over 164,000 senior citizens found that those who were married had slightly longer life expectancies than those who weren’t.

2. Love may boost your immune system

A 2019 study found that falling in love can have a positive effect on your immune system. In the two-year-long study, participants who fell in love experienced increased activity of certain immunity genes, whereas participants who didn’t fall in love during the study did not.

This means that participants in love may have a stronger defense against infection, however, more research is needed to understand how many sick days falling in love may save you per year.

3. Love may make you feel less pain

A small 2010 study found that people in the early stages of a romantic relationship may experience pain management benefits, which may be due to the fact that activation of the brain’s reward-processing regions can reduce pain. In the study, participants were exposed to moderate to high thermal pain.

Those who were in a new romantic relationship and looked at photos of their partner experienced greater pain relief than those who looked at photos of a familiar acquaintance or participated in a distraction task.

While this study did take place in a controlled setting, it suggests that love can serve as at least a mild analgesic when pain inevitably crops up in life.

4. Love may be good for your heart

A 2013 study found that married people ages 35 to 64 were less likely to have a heart attack than those in the same age bracket who weren’t married. Additionally, a 2019 study found that having a romantic partner present, or even just thinking about a romantic partner, can lower blood pressure when exposed to a stressor.

Insider’s takeaway

Love may feel like it’s all in your heart, but in reality, it comes down to changes happening in your brain. As your relationship evolves, your brain activity will change accordingly.

So, we can thank our brain and neurotransmitters such as dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin for the amazing feelings that we get when we’re in love and in a bonded relationship with someone –– and of course, all the benefits that come along with that.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Beginner’s Guide To Swinging

& How Couples Can Get Started

By Kesiena Boom, M.S.

Have you ever been curious about what swinging is and if it might be something that could work for you? Whether you’re interested in trying swinging for yourself or just want to understand more about this form of nonmonogamy, here’s everything you need to know.

What is swinging?

“Swinging is a social practice involving sexual contact between consenting adults, which can involve swapping sexual partners or engaging in group sexual activities—but often is done in the context of a coupled relationship,” explains Lori Lawrenz, PsyD, a clinical psychologist with the Hawaii Center for Sexual and Relationship Health.

Swingers engage in sexual activities outside of their main relationship as a shared bonding experience with their partner. This means that most extra-relational sex that swingers engage in happens where their partner can see and/or join in with it.

Many swingers refer to themselves as being in “the lifestyle,” which essentially means that swinging (and often other behaviors such as kink and BDSM) are an integral part of their sexual identity and inform the way that they organize their lives.

Myths about swinging.

Importantly, swinging is not cheating or an affair, despite what people often might think. Swinging is based on a foundation of consensual nonmonogamy, which means that everyone involved has full knowledge of, and approves of, the sex that occurs outside of the main pair bond.

“Most swinging is not a sexual ‘free-for-all,'” Lawrenz says. “Rather it is an orchestrated manner of like-minded sexually curious individuals engaging in activities as a means of enhancing their relationship.”

There’s a misconception that swingers are people who “are unable to commit, do not know how to create boundaries, or are in troubled relationships,” says AASECT-certified sex therapist Janet Brito, Ph.D., LCSW. Another misconception is that it can help save a dying relationship, adds sexologist Shamyra Howard, LCSW. The truth is, in fact, the opposite.

“Swinging is not prophylactic for troubled relationships. It won’t prevent cheating, and it won’t save a relationship. Swinging is only recommended for couples who feel secure in their relationships,” Howard says.

Swinging vs. open relationships.

Swinging is often confused with having an open relationship, but the two terms are not entirely synonymous.

While all swingers technically have an open relationship (i.e., the permission to have sex with people outside of the relationship), not all people in open relationships are swingers. People in non-swinging open relationships often engage in their extra-sexual relationships without their partner present and sometimes even have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy regarding hookups. In swinging, couples do a lot more sharing of the sexual experiences and sharing stories with each other about any extra experiences, because this is erotic and exciting for people who like to swing. Some swinging couples also may only be “open” to outside sexual partners in specific situations, i.e., when the couple is jointly entering into a specific swinging experience together.

Swinging is also not the same as polyamory, as polyamory involves the creation and maintenance of romantic as well as sexual bonds with multiple people. “Unlike polyamorous individuals, swingers are not actively looking for other people to form romantic relationships with,” says sex therapist Aliyah Moore, Ph.D. “Typically, swingers are only looking to have sex with others with no or limited strings attached.”

Swinging is strictly sexual, and swingers often have minimal contact with and no romantic feelings for the people that they swing with.

What binds together all three concepts, however, is that they are all forms of consensual nonmonogamy and require a great amount of trust, communication, and honesty, says Brito.

Signs you might enjoy swinging:

  • You fantasize about engaging in sex outside of your partnership.
  • You get turned on by the idea of seeing your partner have sexual contact with other people.
  • You’re generally turned on by novelty and adventure.
  • You and your partner are good at communicating and know how to work through any issues that arise.
  • You are able to separate love and sex.
  • You like to watch porn featuring group sex, wife swapping, or voyeurism.
  • You and your partner trust each other completely.
  • You and your partner sometimes dirty talk about group sex or partner swapping.
  • You’ve had group sex in the past and thought it was hot.
  • You’re generally open-minded and sexually adventurous.

Important things to know before trying it:

1. Get to know the lingo.

Swinging comes with its own vocabulary. For example, one common form of swinging is for two couples to come together and “swap” partners for sex. You can engage in a “soft swap” or a “full swap” when you swing. A soft swap refers to engaging in anything up to oral sex with a person who isn’t your partner, and a full swap refers to intercourse.

It’s also worth knowing that a “unicorn” is a single woman who is open to sex with heterosexual couples (here’s our full guide to threesomes, btw), and that “closed door” refers to being OK with your partner having sex away from your line of sight.

2. Talk about expectations with your partner.

Make sure to have a detailed talk with your partner about what you will and won’t engage in when you swing together. Will you only engage in group sex together? Or will you swap partners with another couple? What are you looking to get out of swinging? Make sure that you both have the same goals and reasons for opening up.

It’s really important that you don’t coerce your partner into going along with what you want, Brito adds. Swinging will only be enjoyable if both parties are enthusiastic and informed.

3. Think about what safer sex precautions you’ll need to take.

It’s essential that you have a conversation beforehand about what forms of protection you’ll use and what level of risk you’re OK with. Using barrier protection methods such as condoms can lower your risk of STIs and pregnancies, but no protection is 100% secure. Therefore, you should discuss what you will do in the event of an unplanned pregnancy or a positive STI test.

4. Plan a check-in.

After your first time swinging, you’re going to have a lot of emotions! Hopefully they’ll all be positive, but it’s very likely that you might feel confused, guilty, or overwhelmed along with all the excitement.

A top tip is to put aside some time for you two as a couple to reconnect and check in with each other after the experience. You can discuss how the experience was for you, what went well, what was challenging, and anything you might like to alter if you try the experience again. Enlisting the help of a sex-positive therapist who specializes in consensual nonmonogamy can also work wonders in this situation.

5. Connect to a network.

Ready to dive in? “You can start off by attending a swinger’s club and watching before interacting,” suggests Howard. Check for local clubs in your area, and be sure to read the guidelines before showing up, she says. Make sure to practice good consent practices and be mindful of other people’s boundaries.

How to bring up the idea with your partner.

Telling your partner that you’re interested in swinging might feel like a little bit of a challenge. After all, the norm of monogamy is very strong, and even people who are turned on and excited by the idea of swinging might have some complicated feelings in the beginning.

To set the best base for a successful conversation, make sure to bring it up at a time when you know your partner will be in a relaxed mood with no pressing tasks to attend to.

“Gently bring up the topic by adopting an open and curious approach. Use ‘I’ statements to show ownership of your desires,” recommends Brito. “Ask questions to learn about your partner’s values, and practice nonjudgment if your partner is not on board. If this happens, agree to table the topic, and circle back at another time.”

In short, make the conversation a true conversation, and not just a statement of what you want. Really listening to what your partner says, and responding to it from a place of love rather than defensiveness, can take you a long way.

Once you have opened up the conversation, you can suggest that the two of you research swinging together. Framing it as a mutual exploration will make your partner feel more secure.

“If you’re the partner who initiates the conversation, make sure you get a clear ‘yes’ from your partner,” Moore adds. “Both partners in the relationship need to be at the same interest level when it comes to swinging before trying it.’

The bottom line.

Swinging, like all forms of consensual nonmonogamy, can bring a wide range of satisfying and exhilarating encounters that can deepen the bond between you and your partner. As long as you and your partner are both on board and in agreement about what swinging means for you, you can look forward to many happy, sweaty nights together!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is The ‘Seven-Year Itch’ Actually A Real Thing?

It’s probs more common than you think.

By Madeline Howard

Look, it’s totally normal to feel a sense of stagnation—a seven-year itch, if you will—if you’re in a long-term relationship or marriage. Being with another person for an entire lifetime is no joke, people.

But what is the seven-year itch, exactly? In short, it’s the notion that after seven years of marriage (or a long AF relationship), you start to get unhappy with your partner, says Gigi Engle, resident Womanizer sexologist and author of All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life.

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While it’s normal to feel a little…itchy…after a while, there’s no alarm that goes after seven years on the dot. “The idea that you’d feel this way at some innocuous point in time is complete BS,” says Engle. “You’re not going to get bored in your marriage or your sex life if you commit to keeping it fresh and interesting.” Problem is, it’s all too easy for your relationship to fall to the bottom of your priority list as you juggle work, kids, and other, more pressing, responsibilities. It happens, but it doesn’t need to.

So how can you prevent or resolve this kind of relationship slump? Read on for expert-approved tips that will keep your itch from developing into a full-on rash.

1. Get a second opinion

Before you jump to any conclusions about whether or not you’re fed up with your current long-term relationship, Brito suggests consulting a therapist or close friend about your situation. Sometimes it’s hard to see the *real* problem from the inside, and talking it out with a third-party allows you to sort through any messy feelings before you articulate them to your partner.

2. Write it out

It’s also helpful to journal your feelings, says Brito. Writing your thoughts down offers clarity without having to dish them out loud or drop major $$ on therapy. What do you love about your partner? What went wrong? Be honest about the positives and negatives here. Your journal doesn’t judge.

3. Don’t be shy

Communicating your needs is a crucial part of maintaining a healthy long-term relationship, says Brito. If you want to bring up feelings of stagnation to your S.O., she suggests going about it verrry carefully. Use ‘I statements’ that make you accountable for the feelings you’re having and avoid placing blame on your partner. Focus on listening to your partner’s unmet emotional needs when it’s their turn to talk without becoming defensive. This goes both ways, K?

4. Consider couples counseling

If you decide that the relationship is worth fighting for, Brito suggests booking recurring couples therapy sessions. Doing so will help the two of you create a plan for moving forward with the help of an expert. You’ll also have a calm, unbiased moderator for when uncomfortable or heated discussions inevitably arise.

5. Or sex therapy

If your issues are mostly bedroom-based, look into a therapist who specializes in sex. Yes, they exist! If you’ve tried exploring physical intimacy on your own, and it hasn’t panned out, there’s no shame in getting a little bit of outside help. “As a team, you can find solutions that don’t result in an affair or a breakup,” says Engle.

6. Try an open relationship

This one def isn’t for every couple, but some feel that they need to go outside of the relationship in order to add spice to their sex lives, and you’re better off doing so together if that’s the case.

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Exploring the boundaries of an open relationship, polyamory, or threesomes are a viable solution to feelings of sexual boredom, if agreed upon by both parties. “This newfound aspect of your relationship can look like anything you want,” Engle explains. “What’s important is that you discuss your desires and fantasies with your partner.” From there, make sure you establish some ground rules. Threesomes only? No friends? No kissing? That’s the difference between honest openness and an affair that ruins everything.

7. Explore with toys or kink

Shop for vibrators, handcuffs, and lingerie with your S.O. online or in-store. Surprises have their place, but shopping together will build up excitement. Talk to your partner about what you’ve been wanting to add to your routine—a productive and sexy convo.

8. Try role-playing

If you read #6 and thought, never in a million years, there are other ways to introduce an element of excitement into your ‘ship. Role-playing is a classic, and you can scale up or scale down depending on your comfort level. Example: Start with some dirty talk before splurging on costumes, or pretend to be your younger self if you’re improv skills feel a little rusty. Where did you meet seven years ago?

9. Schedule sex

No one likes to hear this, but scheduling sex can be a great solution to a dry spell—and even hot! Think about it: You have all day to get in the mood and you’re less likely to be stressed and distracted because, well, you planned for this.

Other experts agree that the seven-year itch isn’t really a set point in time when your relationship is doomed to collapse, but instead an idea that represents how you and your long-term bae aren’t on the same wavelength. “Some couples get stuck in dysfunctional patterns that make them feel disconnected and listless,” says Janet Brito, PhD, a clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist in Honolulu, Hawaii. “Some may desire to end their relationship while others will remain together, work through it, and grow stronger as a result.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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9 Of The Best Bits Of Relationship Advice We Got From Experts In 2021

By Sarah Regan

For couples who’ve navigated the past year successfully, consider that a major win. Just like 2020, the year 2021 was another case of unpredictability, trials, and tribulations. Without recounting everything that’s gone down in the past year, the point is, there’s no doubt it put relationships to the test.

With buzzwords like “gaslighting” and “codependency” hitting the mainstream, it would appear more and more people are waking up to unhealthy relationship dynamics—and healthy ones—in an effort to improve their relationships.

So, we rounded up some of the best pieces of relationship advice we heard from experts this year so couples can continue to flourish in 2022.

Never stop dancing with each other.

“Dancing is attunement. With dancing, there’s a nonverbal attunement to the rhythm of another, the body of another, the motion of another. It is the one thing you cannot do and be [sad] at the same time. You can paint and cry; you can write and cry; you can listen to music and weep, but you can’t dance and weep. It energizes you. It enlivens you. I’ve spent hours watching elderly couples dance together, and it is grace; it is elegant; it is erotic; it is alive.”

—Esther Perel, psychotherapist and world-renowned relationship expert

One of the best things you can do in your relationship is find the balance between connection and autonomy.

“The two central drives for human beings are autonomy (control of our individuality) and attachment (urge for relationship). Healthy maturation means that we are able to achieve both of these and balance them in our lives. The ability to balance our needs for autonomy and attachment is called differentiation. Differentiation is a biological process that occurs in all species. For humans, it is about becoming more of an individual and a solid person through relationships with others. It is the ability to separate ourselves from others. Differentiation allows us to feel our own subjective reality—bodies, emotions, and thoughts—as separate from another person while being in relationship with another person.”

—Jordan Dann, MFA, L.P., CIRT, licensed psychoanalyst

Yes, there are some instances when you can be friends with an ex—but not always.

“Being friends with your ex can be a good idea when other aspects of the relationship were valuable to your growth, development, or life goals. If you and your ex identify that you make better business partners, workout buddies, or friends, and you are able to maintain healthy boundaries with each other, then creating an authentic friendship could work. If you discover that you or your ex are unable to maintain boundaries with each other, then you should cut ties. If you truly want to move on and find that your ex is still occupying the romantic space that your future partner should have access to, then it’s a good idea to cut things off completely with your ex.”

—Weena Cullins, LCMFT, licensed marriage therapist

Stop stressing about how much you have sex, and focus on how much intimacy you have.

“The point of sex, from my point of view, is to share pleasure with your partner and to feel connected in the process. Spend intimate time together, without pressure to hit a goal or do a certain thing. Sex is like going to the playground. It’s the outing that counts, not whether you go down the slide. We don’t need an agenda; we can get inspired in the moment and do what we feel like doing. The truth is that you literally cannot fail. Any shared outing like that is a success.”

—Jessa Zimmerman, M.A., certified sex therapist and marriage counselor

Cultivating “aperture awareness” can help deepen your connection and resolve arguments faster.

“The problem with all of these ways of dealing with conflict is that they lack an awareness of what’s actually happening for you and your partner in the present. That’s where aperture awareness comes in. During conflict, begin to pay attention in each moment as you interact with your partner. Notice your sense of openness, or closedness, also known as your emotional aperture. Aperture awareness is a felt sensation. Just as we do not ‘see’ by consciously thinking about the information our eyes absorb, we do not become aware of our emotional openness through thought and analysis. Rather, we learn to feel it, to become aware of it, and then to pay close and careful attention. Simply asking yourself, ‘Do I feel open or closed right now?’ directs your attention to this felt experience. With practice, the experience of aperture awareness becomes more accessible.”

—Kathryn Ford, M.D., licensed psychotherapist

Understand the difference between love and limerence.

“With limerence, you may find yourself hyper-focusing on the subject of your affection (the limerent object) and their positive characteristics to the point of ignoring existing flaws and directing your intense, irrational emotions toward the idea of what they represent for you instead of who that person actually is in reality. Love is rooted in connection, intimacy, mutuality, and reality, whereas limerence is rooted in possession, obsession, jealousy, and delusions. The version you may have built about the person is simply a glorified and exaggerated fantasy made specifically to represent the fulfillment of [your] unmet needs. The preoccupation with them can result in a significant decrease of functionality in your other relationships and responsibilities.”

—Silva Depanian, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist

Show appreciation for each other every single day.

“Every successful company has a foundational commitment to ensuring that the people who are part of the culture feel seen, heard, and valued. People choose to continue to work in an environment where they know they have an impact, and the only way they know they have an impact is because someone told them so. In relationships, a robust appreciation practice is a tremendous way to ward off resentment and criticism. Making daily deposits of appreciation into the bank account of your relationship will also develop a culture of goodwill and high regard. The daily appreciations you offer your partner will create a reserve of generosity and trust, which will serve your partnership during inevitable moments of conflict.”

—Jordan Dann, MFA, L.P., CIRT, licensed psychoanalyst

If you struggle with codependency, focus on releasing attachment.

“Releasing attachment to outcome requires a willingness to tolerate the unknown and live with uncertainty. It’s critical to practice this regularly when you’re trying to overcome codependency. Part of what maintains the cycle of codependent behaviors is the fear of disappointing someone whose opinion matters to you, or of being ‘disliked.’ Releasing outcome simply means learning to tolerate the possibility of disappointing important others in your life. Yes, you may disappoint people. Yes, they may temporarily have negative feelings toward you. You don’t have to be happy about this possibility, but you do need to practice tolerating it, so you can be freer to be you.”

—Alicia Muñoz, LPC, certified couples’ therapist

Make a conscious effort to stay curious about your partner and continue getting to know them.

“We have this almost conceit that we know exactly how they’re going to behave in a given situation. There’s some beauty in accepting the ‘unknowableness’ of somebody and priming yourself to look for what’s different about that person rather than retreating into, ‘I know what they’re going to do, I know the end of this movie.’ Instead of looking for what you know, look for something that’s different about them in some way.”

—Samantha Boardman, M.D., positive psychiatrist

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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‘I’m in a sex-free relationship and I’ve never been happier’

Sex is seen as the bedrock of a healthy relationship, but is it possible to maintain intimacy – and happiness – without it?

Will sex-free relationships work?

By Rosie Mullender

Olivia*, 40, can’t wait to marry her fiancé Noah*, 42. Yet the couple have what’s officially termed a “sex-free relationship”.

They’re sexually intimate less than once a year – and not even being at home together 24/7 during the pandemic lockdown changed that.

“Like most couples, when we first met, Noah and I couldn’t keep our hands off each other,” Olivia tells Body+Soul.

“But things gradually slowed down; after a year or so, they’d practically stopped. Neither of us has a very high sex drive, so we weren’t unhappy about it. But although we were comfortable discussing the issue, we used to worry it meant we weren’t compatible. Surely if we really loved each other, we’d want to have sex?”

The couple sought the advice of a counsellor.

“They told us a relationship can thrive even without sex, as long as we’re intimate in other ways,” Olivia says.

“Since then, we’ve felt much more relaxed about it. We check in regularly, to make sure we’re both happy, but the conclusion is always the same: nope, still not in the mood.”

Although Olivia’s case is fairly extreme, the stress of the pandemic has impacted sex lives around the world.

The amount of sex we’re having has declined as a direct result of global lockdowns, while even before the pandemic, young Australians were having less sex than other demographics, with 40 per cent of 18-24s reporting “never” having sex in the ABC’s 2019 Australia Talks survey.

So what happens if, like Olivia, your relationship involves no sex at all?

Is it possible to maintain intimacy even without the one ingredient most of us would agree cements a healthy adult relationship?

“Yes, it is – if both people agree or accept it,” Elisabeth Shaw, CEO of Relationships Australia NSW, tells Body+Soul.

“Looking at the media, you may believe that the best relationships are full of passion and hot sex all the time, which can influence how people judge their own relationships. But what really matters is how a couple defines intimacy. It needs to be what suits them and what they can both live with.”

Problems are most likely to arise, says Shaw, when your sex lives aren’t fully in sync, with one person in the relationship wanting more sex than the other.

“Sexual appetite varies from person to person and, at times, you might agree it isn’t a very important aspect of your relationship and accept it as a smaller part of your connection,” she explains.

“Often, however, one person is driving the decision and that means you need to actively work to reach a common understanding – a discussion that may also need to be revisited over time. Once a couple stops having sex, you can start to feel like flatmates or friends rather than intimately involved, so it’s important that there’s genuine acceptance about it, even if you’re not in complete agreement.”

As for Olivia, she’s found that the stresses of the pandemic have brought her and Noah emotionally closer – even without the bonding powers of sex.

“I’m still excited about marrying Noah, and having lived through the pandemic together, we’re closer than ever,” she says.

“We bond through emotional chats, mutual support, lots of cuddling and holding hands in bed as we fall asleep. We’re definitely more than just good friends – we just aren’t that interested in sex.”

And as sex-free partnerships go, Shaw says they’re approaching things the right way.

“A couple who have agreed not to have sex can still show their connection in a range of ways,” Shaw explains.

“The secret to a healthy relationship that doesn’t include sex is working at the intimacy and connection that still defines you as a couple.”

*Names have been changed.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Communicate New Sexual Boundaries to Your Partner

By Gigi Engle

Sex and our preferences for certain kinds of sex acts change all the time. This is a fact of life for many people.

What worked for you for years may suddenly not be your thing anymore—and that’s totally OK. Nazanin Moali, Ph.D., a sex therapist and host of the Sexology podcast, tells TheBody that our desires are the product of a variety of bio-psycho-social systems. “Since these systems are always evolving, it is only expected for human desires and preferences to change, as well,” she explains.

But how do you share this with a partner? For example, maybe you’re super into spanking—and then one day you realize you’re not so into spanking anymore.

There aren’t any guidelines on how you let a partner in on this information. Like, “Hey, babe. You know how I love when you hit my ass so hard you leave marks? Yeah, I hate that now.” Not so cute-sounding, huh? This applies to all sexual activities. Maybe you’re a bottom and now you’d like to be a top (or verse), perhaps you used to enjoy a certain kind of pattern during oral and now don’t, or perhaps you used to enjoy rough sex and now you aren’t as comfortable with that dynamic. This is all boundary-related.

We need to build a language to have these conversations with empathy and respect to avoid rejection, hurt feelings, and feeling ignored—or even violated.

While this article may sound like it’s geared more toward people who are in sexual/romantic relationships (as these are usually the types of relationships that need this kind of re-negotiation), all of these guidelines can be used for all kinds of relationships. No matter the type of relationship you’re currently in, we all need this information. The reality is, as with all things related to sexuality, boundaries are fluid and shift all the time.

In September, we published a five-step guide to communicating with a partner. Here’s how to communicate with your partner about new sexual boundaries when you’ve found they’ve changed.

1. Consider the Impact Staying Silent Can Have on You and the Relationship.

If you’re feeling anxious about discussing your new boundaries, remember that keeping this under lock and key could be incredibly detrimental to your relationship and personal well-being—no matter how casual or serious the relationship itself is. “If you continue to engage in an activity that you no longer enjoy, it will impact your enthusiasm around sex and, in turn, your relationship,” Moali says.

What’s more, you could wind up feeling violated. When we engage in sex we don’t want, it begins to erode our sense of safety. This can lead to bigger issues in our lives, such as anxiety and depression. Don’t fall into this trap. Speaking up is a must.

2. Obtain Consent for the Conversation.

Kristen Tribby, a certified sex educator and head of marketing and education at FUN FACTORY, advises couples who don’t regularly discuss sex as part of their communication practice to consider opening the conversation to a general discussion of sex to get comfortable with the topic.

However, to do this ethically, you need permission to initiate such a vulnerable discussion. The way to ask? Try: “Are you in a place right now to discuss our sex life? I think it would be really beneficial for us to have a check-in.”

Once you feel comfortable talking about sex openly, you can get into the meatier topic of boundaries. Boundaries aren’t necessarily “difficult” to talk about, we simply don’t have as much practice discussing them as we do, say, how our dickhead boss is being a dickhead again.

3. Have the Conversation Outside of the Bedroom.

Conversations about sex shouldn’t take place during sex. This is a golden rule for getting what you want in the bedroom. Why? Because being naked and sexy with someone is very vulnerable. The last thing you want to hear is something negative.

Consequently, Moali suggests keeping discussions about all things sex outside of the bedroom.

Make sure to figure out a convenient time and place so that everyone can be prepared and ready to go. “Oftentimes, people bring up the conversation at a time [when] their partner is preoccupied or in a rush. This jeopardizes their chance of being heard,” Moali says.

4. Having the Talk: Start With the Positive Things, Then Move on to the More Loaded Topics.

Being in a relationship (serious or otherwise) requires taking any conversation about sex with a heavy dose of empathy. We’re all just humans who are doing our best. The thing is, your partner won’t be aware that your boundaries have changed unless you tell them, because they are not a mind reader. However, it would be irresponsible to say that there is no way they won’t react negatively to this topic because it’s both loaded and can feel like a personal attack in a world so devoid of basic sexuality education.

So, to mitigate the possibility of hurt feelings, Tribby suggests starting with the positive aspects of your sex life before hitting your partner with newfound boundaries. You might start by saying: “I like it when you [do] X thing” or “It was so sexy when you did X.”

Then, focus on the things you’d like to change. “Make your comment on the thing you don’t like, [focusing] your attention on the act and not on the person or their technique,” Tribby says.

Two simple ways to approach the topic of boundaries, compliments of Tribby:

  • “You know, I think I’m not into spanking anymore, but I’m really into that new thing you did to me the other night.”
  • “Spanking isn’t really my thing anymore, but I think it would be fun to try something new, like XYZ.”

Lastly, invite the person to share their own ideas on things that would be hot for both of you. Compromise is always key when it comes to having great sex.

5. Set Up Monthly “Sexual Health Dates.”

Once you establish a way into these discussions, turn it into a habit. Sexual wellness is as important in relationships as anything else, yet we tend to throw it right on the old back burner the minute life gets rocky.

Moali suggests making a monthly check-in a must-have, even going so far as to have it set in stone on the Google calendar. “During these dates, couples can discuss what is working for them, what they want more of, and what activities are not giving them pleasure anymore,” she explains. “If you get into the habit of checking in with each other on a regular basis, it will be easier long term to give and receive honest feedback.”

“Sexual relationships thrive on clear communication, so this could be a good chance to grow even closer,” Tribby says.

Communication is lubrication, friends. And if you clearly communicate your boundaries and your partner refuses to respect them, well, then it’s time to say “Bye, bye, boo!”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Do Genes Drive How We Feel About Sex and Drugs?

By Lisa Rapaport

Our moral reaction to getting high or a night of casual Netflix and chill — a modern euphemism for having casual sex — may trace in part to our DNA. A new study suggests that our genes could shape our views on these behaviors just as much our environment does.Social scientists have typically assumed that our morals are shaped by the people most present during our childhoods — like our parents, teachers, and friends — and what we experience in our culture — whether from books, television, or TikTok.Results of the new study, published in Psychological Science, suggest that genetics may at least partly explain our moral reactions.

The researchers surveyed more than 8,000 people in Finland, all either fraternal or identical twin pairs or siblings. They asked participants about their views on recreational drug use and sex outside of a committed relationship. Twin studies help scientists tease out the role of nature versus nurture because identical twins usually have the same DNA sequences, but fraternal twins have only about half of their DNA in common.

Investigators compared survey responses to see how much shared DNA explained negative opinions about casual sex and drug use and how much could be attributed instead to a shared environment or unique experiences between the twins.Views on sex and drugs were at least 40% attributable to shared DNA and the remainder attributable to unique experiences, the study found. Views on sex and drugs were also strongly linked, with considerable overlap in opinions about each category.One limitation of the work is common to twin studies in general. These studies cannot distinguish whether certain genes are activated by a shared childhood environment or if some gene variants drive the choice of certain types of environments.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Could Opening Up Your Relationship Fix It?

By Quinn Rhodes

What does an open relationship have in common with getting married, having a baby and moving in with your partner? That’s right: none of them is a way to fix problems in a relationship. With an increased awareness of non-monogamous relationship structures, the myth that polyamory is a ‘fix’ for a broken relationship is also gaining momentum.

However, the reality is that non-monogamy isn’t ever easy – and it definitely won’t fix a relationship that’s not working.

Non-monogamous, polyamorous, open, monogamish – these are all words to describe relationships that fall under the umbrella of non-monogamy, where people date, have sex and have romantic relationships with more than one person. The language people use to describe their relationships, as well as the intricacies of how they work, is different for each person and each relationship. But one thing is generally true across the board: opening up your relationship is unlikely to be the solution to the issues you’re experiencing within it.

That’s not to say that people don’t try. Dr Liz Powell, a licensed psychologist specialising in non-monogamous relationships, explains that they see this a lot. They describe it as the phenomenon of “relationship broken? Add more people!” In Dr Powell’s view, too often people try to apply polyamory like a plaster when they’re struggling with differences in sexual desires or how they want to split their time and priorities.

An open relationship could, theoretically, help with those issues. In reality, problems often begin when someone is feeling hurt, unheard or unseen by their partner. Without resolving that conflict in the first instance, and instead just opening up the relationship, you allow that pain to fester and resentment to build on top of the struggles you’re already experiencing and, crucially, communication that perhaps isn’t working.

Dr Powell says: “If you’re already struggling to talk about what you want and need, if you’re already struggling to advocate for your needs or have those needs met, non-monogamy is unlikely to fix those problems – aside from the fact that it’s likely to end your relationship.”

If you’re already struggling to talk about what you want and need, if you’re already struggling to advocate for your needs or have those needs met, non-monogamy is unlikely to fix those problems.

If you’re already struggling to talk about what you want and need, if you’re already struggling to advocate for your needs or have those needs met, non-monogamy is unlikely to fix those problems.
Dr Liz Powell

For Sam, who is 30 years old and non-binary, opening up their relationship did bring it to a very necessary end. After half a decade without sex, and a partner who wouldn’t discuss it, they had given their then-partner an ultimatum: they could open up the relationship so Sam could get their sexual needs met or they could break up. Opening up their relationship “revealed all the weaknesses, all the communication flaws and the fact it was abusive”. So they broke up.

Sam realised that while they had initially approached polyamory for the “wrong” reasons, they still wanted it. Their monogamous relationship hadn’t been working and opening it up didn’t fix that – but it did help them understand what they actually want from a relationship.

Twenty-nine-year-old Ellen and her now-fiancé had discussed ethical non-monogamy for a while before they opened up their relationship, after she confessed that she had a crush on someone in her running group. Her fiancé told her it was totally fine and that he also had crushes on people sometimes. When they initially opened their relationship, they tried to enforce strict boundaries, like ‘no one we know’ or ‘no sleepovers’. “I found myself going back and asking if we could actually modify those rules,” says Ellen.

While these rules may seem to make sense, they run up against the fact that people are, well, people. Human hearts are hard to predict and even harder to control. Lots of couples approach non-monogamy like this, thinking that if they create the right rules then they won’t fall in love. The reality is far messier.

Dr Powell explains that strict rules about how people should and shouldn’t feel usually end up creating more conflict. “All it does is create new ways to have fights about people having feelings that are totally reasonable and normal feelings to have when you’re interacting with other people.”

Non-monogamy is not a wand you can wave and magically fix your relationship. It might just put it under a microscope and expose all the cracks in it.

In looking for a quick fix, people can seriously underestimate just how much work goes into opening up a relationship. Despite the tropes we see whenever polyamory gets any visibility, most non-monogamous people are not constantly attending sex parties full of super attractive people. It’s less throuples and threesomes, and much more coordinating calendars and having hard conversations about everyone’s emotions.

Both Ellen and Sam put in a huge amount of practical work to maintain their relationships. Ellen also has a secondary partner (a secondary relationship is one where, either by intent or by circumstance, the partners have less involvement than their primary relationship) and her open relationship with her fiancé really forces them to communicate. “We check in with each other constantly and plan our own date nights – particularly if we’ve been busy. And while that could mean with other people, more often it means with work or life stuff that bogs us down.”

Dr Powell says that monogamy and non-monogamy take the same skills and require the same things in order to function well – it’s just that in non-monogamy you can’t assume that the normal ‘scripts’ of a relationship apply. You spend more time communicating out of necessity, because you can’t fall back on society’s defaults about what your relationship ‘should’ look like.

Kelvin, who is 23 years old and a trans guy, has had to do a lot of personal growth to make his current non-monogamous relationship work. “I had to learn that it’s okay to be insecure and while nobody else owes you comfort about it, you should feel able to communicate and talk about it in your relationships.”

For Ellen, opening up her relationship gave her a lens to explore her own vulnerabilities and look at what’s important to her in a relationship. She’s learned how to handle rejection – something you don’t expect to feel the sting of when you’re in a long-term partnership – and the difference between privacy and secrecy.

While she likes to share her experiences as a way of feeling close to her fiancé, he prefers not to talk about the other people he’s seeing. She knows that this doesn’t mean he’s hiding anything from her: he’s allowed to process his feelings internally and he has different ways of building intimacy with her. “I’m learning to accept that I can’t be everything for my partner, just like he’s not everything for me. And that’s okay! He’s still my favourite person, and I’m thrilled to be building a life together with him.”

When non-monogamy works for people, all of this work is worth it, but in the process of normalising non-monogamous relationships, portrayals of polyamory often gloss over all of this work. And as Sam, who currently has two nesting partners and a girlfriend, points out – they miss out the laundry.

Even if you’re prepared to do the work (and the laundry), non-monogamy might not be for you. In certain non-monogamous circles, you find the idea that polyamory is somehow a ‘morally superior’ relationship structure. It’s not; it’s just a different relationship structure, one that may or may not work for you. However, there can be a sense – especially in queer spaces – that polyamory is the ‘right’ thing to do.

This is what Kelvin felt when he and his partner opened up the first relationship he was in. He says that they dove into it without understanding the difficulties that come with navigating non-monogamy. Having been socialised in online queer spaces, polyamory was considered a completely legitimate choice (which is excellent), but as a trans person who wanted to date other trans people, it also felt like the only choice Kelvin was given (which is not).

Associating non-monogamous relationships with always being the secondary partner and being held at an emotional distance, Kelvin wasn’t sure polyamory was for him. In his current relationship, however, his nesting partner really puts in the work to ensure he doesn’t feel replaceable or disposable. This time around, pursuing non-monogamy feels a lot more deliberate for Kelvin. “I’m doing it because I want to date and see all the people I’m dating and seeing, not because it feels like I have to choose between letting my partner date other people and not having a partner.”

It’s easy to hope that opening up a relationship will fix your problems. It’s much harder to look at what might be causing those problems and unpacking the assumptions you hold about relationships and how they’re not serving you. Dr Powell suggests that it’s unhelpful to think of opening up your relationship as adding more people to it. Instead, you should think about it as breaking down everything you know about your relationship and building it up from scratch.

In fact, whether or not you want a non-monogamous relationship, negotiating exactly what your relationship is going to look like – rather than relying on the scripts we’re sold as to how relationships ‘should’ look – will probably help you.

Non-monogamy is not a wand you can wave and magically fix your relationship. It might just put it under a microscope and expose all the cracks in it. Polyamory is incredible, sure, but it’s incredible because of the vulnerable and intimate ways we connect to other people. And because we’re human, with hearts that rarely behave exactly as we’d like them to and feelings that won’t always do what they’re told, those connections require as much work and investment as monogamous ones

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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5 changes to expect in your sex life post-undergrad

By Victoria Syphoe

Whether you were in a college relationship, or single and loving it in undergrad, one thing rings true, sex and relationships after college are wildly different. As your whole life shifts into the “real” world, so do your sex life and priorities in your sex life. 

1. You’ve developed a bad sex radar.

Though college relations are oftentimes easy to instigate with countless horny adolescents at your disposal, this doesn’t always mean it’s good sex. Nonetheless, experience is the best teacher. You can better acknowledge what you like and don’t like, and more importantly, recognize the good from the bad. 

2. Masturbation can be your best friend.

Leaving college and starting your adult life can be a bit of a dry spell as your life shifts. Settling into a new job, paying bills, and ‘adulting’ can take your focus off of the ongoing search for a hookup. Don’t get frustrated, self-love is the best love in more ways than one. Knowing how to please yourself will get you very far and can increase your confidence in the bedroom. It can also make it easier to communicate to your partner how to properly please you and avoid awkward fumbling around.

3. There are enough partners to go around.

College relations can cause drama with there being a somewhat limited dating pool. Everyone goes to the same parties, meets the same people, and odds are if you think he’s cute, your friend may too. Luckily, this is less of a concern after college as you are exposed to countless new people in your adult life.

4. Yes, foreplay IS a thing!

Whether rushing to get it in between classes or just dealing with an inexperienced or careless partner, young women everywhere complain about men skipping the foreplay. With age and experience, men realize that foreplay is beneficial for the woman and them too in the long run. Everybody wins. 

5. Finally, no more falling off that twin bed.

As you get further into those 20-somethings you’ll find yourself happy to not have to sneak out of dorms or squeeze onto those uncomfortable twin beds. Enjoy being able to freely roll around in the sheets of beds made for two.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A contract covering sex and housework could save your relationship

— Here’s how to make one

By Julia Naftulin

  • Author Mandy Len Catron says making a contract for her relationship has kept it healthy.
  • Catron told NPR she and her partner revisit the contract every six months so they’re on the same page.
  • The contract includes a date night quota, a clause about alone time, and a mission statement.

Couples should have a written contract that covers sex, housework, alone time and date nights, author Mandy Len Catron told NPR.

Catron, who penned the viral New York Times’ essay “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This” in 2015, believes contracts are the key to happy and healthy relationships.

“Every relationship is contractual, we’re just making the terms more explicit,” Catron told NPR.

Catron said she first encountered the concept in the book “The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels.” Afterwards, she said she and her boyfriend Mark sat down and created their own relationship contract. She said it felt “empowering” and “amazing” to voice her needs and insecurities and “make space for them.”

How to create a relationship contract

To create a useful and realistic contract, you have to establish expectations, according to Catron.

She told NPR it’s important to remember your romantic partner shouldn’t be your only source of emotional support, intellectual banter, and fun. Instead, remember to lean on family and friends for some of your relational needs, and go into contract creation with that mindset.

Next, you and your partner should determine what to include in the agreement, like daily chores, personal and professional goals, finances, family time, and sex and intimacy.

Catron said a relationship contract is individual to each couple, so you can be as creative as you’d like. She said hers starts with an opening statement about why she and her boyfriend are in a relationship, which reads:  “We aspire to help each other be more ethically minded and generous friends, community members and global citizens.”

It also includes a date night quota, details about who pays for dates, and a clause to make space for alone time. 

Revisit and revise your contract every 6 months

Catron and Mark revisit their contract every six months, she told NPR. This way, it doesn’t feel like a strict legally binding agreement, and instead feels like collaboration. 

“It really made me feel like a co-creator in this process, as opposed to someone who is just sort of sitting back and letting the relationship go wherever it’s going to go and hoping for the best,” Catron told NPR.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why is maintenance sex such a complex issue?

The vulgarity of maintenance sex will vary depending on how you take it to play out

By

Maintenance sex is when someone puts out for their partner, particularly in long-term relationships, at times they don’t feel like being sexual.

Though ungendered in definition, the idea is usually put to women – have a quick Google of the term and you’ll see it recommended to women as a strategy to keep a marriage going.

It’s an old term that has come back into the spotlight after model Caprice said she does this with her husband.

Speaking to OK! Magazine, she said: ‘You can’t say, “I’m tired” or “I have a headache” – no! Take one for the team, because it’s between five to 10 minutes of your life.’

Since then, plenty of people have shared opinions on the matter and comment sections are a mix of men who agree with this, and others raising issue with the concept.

Maintenance sex touches on the fringes of many other big societal issues: gender politics, gender stereotypes and consent.

Due to this, we need to look at the nuances and complications around it – what maintenance sex means to one person will mean something else to another.

Psychosexual and relationship therapist Ammanda Major, who works for Relate, a charity providing relationship support, says many couples engage in maintenance sex. It’s a common issue sex therapists will come across.

She says: ‘People have sex for all sorts of reasons and there are lots of ways of being sexual with a partner.

‘For some it’s to have that orgasmic experience, but for many people it’s that closeness, that bonding.’

Sometimes that’s what maintenance sex is about, finding the connection rather than an orgasm.

Ammanda adds: ‘For most couples that have been together a long time, they report just cuddling up to someone and seeing what happens without the the clear intention of becoming necessarily sexual.’

A lot of sexual response is based on receiving an advance, even if the person wasn’t aroused before.

Often in a long-term relationship sex is a matter of ‘getting things started’, with one person initiating and foreplay getting the other person in the mood.

This is the side of maintenance sex that many couples will resonate with – but there are concerns around the idea of having sex when you’re not initially keen.

‘The key thing is not to be pressurised or do it because if you don’t your partner will sulk, become controlling or abusive in some way,’ Ammanda says.

‘If it makes you feel bad about yourself, don’t do it to yourself. If it makes you feel bad, then that’s telling you something.’

Dr Audrey Tang, psychologist and author, reiterates this point, telling us that sex when a partner isn’t sure or doesn’t feel like it is not something to be celebrated.

‘Sex is often one of the most loving, intimate acts you can share with someone,’ she notes.

‘It is something that is rewarding for all parties involved, because of the emotional and physical connection.  

‘When you change the narrative to where this beautiful gift of the self is offered “to keep someone in a relationship”, this devalues not only the act, but worse, your personal value, likely eroding your self worth with it. 

‘If someone is expecting you to “put out” in order to remain in a relationship with you, the question is not “Should I do it?” but rather “Do I even want that sort of energy in my life?”‘

Another issue that comes up when we talk about maintenance sex is the notion that this is a woman’s duty, because, so goes the stereotype, men want to have sex and women aren’t fussed.

Women have long been told they want less sex than men, and that their sexual desire isn’t a priority.

In practice, maintenance sex and fluctuating libidos are experience by all genders, regardless of sexual orientation.

So how do you navigate having a different sex drive to your partner? Is maintenance sex the answer?

Ammanda says communication is the only way you’re going to make true headway in the issue. An occassional maintenance sex session can be okay, but if you’re regularly feeling like you have to have sex, whether because your sex drives are mismatched or you’re not feeling loved up, that’s a larger issue that needs to be tackled.

‘Bear in mind sex drive levels change – we tend to talk a lot about how that’s a very static piece in a relationship, but actually for many couples it’s something that fluctuates and varies over time,’ she explains. ‘It swaps around – many men will report a lack of sex drive.

‘The key thing is to take away the sense of shame some couples have, either for wanting to have lots of sex or for not wanting to.

‘A lot of this comes down to developing good communication between the couple.’

Nurturing trust and respect will make these conversations flow easier, and therapy can be a good route to find a middle ground.

‘Historically you had to get the person with the lower sex drive up,’ Ammanda says, but this isn’t your only option.

Finding a compromise that fulfils both parties sexually is the best way couples can deal with unequal sexual drives, but the difference can also be a fair reason to end a relationship if it’s making either side unhappy.

Amanda says to figure out what sex means to you both and what you individually want from it, then go from there.

Most importantly: ‘Don’t do anything you don’t actively want to do.’

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The Surprising Innovations of Pandemic-Era Sex

Many queer people are reimagining their own boundaries and thinking of this reentry period as a time for sexual self-discovery.

In a time when touch has been so limited, some people have been moving toward a future full of bold new pleasures.

By Madison Moore

The pandemic has affected our sex lives in many unusual ways, but perhaps none more unusual than this development: The coronavirus has highlighted the possible public-health benefits of glory holes. Sexual positions that make use of walls as physical barriers have long been considered niche. But when the New York City Department of Health recommended them last month as part of a push for safer sex, it tapped into a question that many of us have been asking: How do you seek sexual satisfaction during a global health crisis?

I haven’t had sex in more than a year, mostly because I took COVID-19 very seriously. I disconnected from the public sphere. No one visited my apartment. I disinfected my groceries and covered my apartment’s air vents with trash bags. As a queer person, I could barely register the idea of sex while living alongside a deadly virus that nobody really understood. One study published early in the pandemic showed that 43.5 percent of people reported a decrease in the quality of their sex life. Among study participants, they had fewer sexual encounters with other people, and even masturbated less often.

But queer and trans people have a rich history of pursuing pleasure, especially during dark times when that very pursuit is dangerous, even illegal. This drive stems from the fact that many queer and trans people—especially those of color—live under a kind of sociocultural duress in which our livelihoods and human rights are constantly subject to negotiation and popular debate, to say nothing of our physical safety. In spite of this reality, queer and trans people have innovated not by waiting for the future to “get better,” but by prioritizing the urgency of feeling pleasure right here, right now. So I knew that some of us would create novel pathways around the pandemic’s roadblocks to sex. I also knew that as the world reopened and Grindr profiles got fired up again, queer innovators would bring the kinks learned during quarantine into their post-vaccine encounters with other people.

In a time when touch has been so limited, some people have been moving toward a future full of bold new pleasures. Alex Jenny, a therapist based in Chicago, told me she joined a nude-sharing group chat, started an OnlyFans page, and began having sex online. In Virginia, where I live, one friend sauntered over to a lover’s doorstep one night wearing a mask and nitrile gloves, picked up a Speedo sealed in a ziplock bag, went home to do a photoshoot in the swimwear, and sent his beau the photos and videos. Many people are reimagining their own boundaries, thinking of this period of virtual intimacies, of distance and little physical contact, not as a lack but instead as a sort of edge play through sexual self-discovery.

For Julian Kevon Glover, an assistant professor of gender, sexuality, and women’s studies at Virginia Commonwealth University who’s writing a book about the nuances of nonmonogamy, that meant attending an online sex party with her primary partner. “[My partner and I] played on camera with a group of like-minded folk and it was much hotter than I ever expected,” she told me. “I’ve learned that queer people are and will always remain quite as horny, and we are inventive.”

Though the pandemic necessitated screen-based intimacy for some, queer people have always used the internet as a place to navigate their sexuality. During the late 1990s and into the early aughts, I spent more time than I care to admit navigating chat rooms on gay.com and Manhunt, where I pointed and clicked my way to some of my first sexual experiences. But I wasn’t looking only for sex. Growing up as a Black teenager in Ferguson, Missouri, during the era of frosted blond tips, white-seashell necklaces, and Abercrombie & Fitch, I was hoping to connect with anyone who could help me not feel so alone. The researcher David F. Shaw talked about this form of online intimacy, or “computer-mediated communication,” as the “uncharted territories of cyberspace where men sit alone at their keyboards producing and inscribing themselves within interactive texts of homosexual desire and need.” Historically, gay online forums have been so widespread that a 1994 Wired top-10 list noted that of the most popular chat rooms created on AOL, three were for gay men, one was for lesbians, and one was for swingers.

Part of the reason queer sex thrives online is because of the internet’s covert nature. Prior to the web’s easy anonymity, queer people had to seek sly ways to court sex in front of other people without being detected. The hanky code of the ’70s and ’80s, an elaborate system of discreet communication wherein people put different colored hankerchiefs in their right or left pockets to indicate sexual interests, allowed queer people to speak about kink in plain sight without words. Craigslist, which most people know as a place to find an apartment or a piece of furniture, was for many queer people a vibrant place to find sex before the Fight Online Sex Trafficking and Stop Enabling Sex Traffickers Acts of 2018. The list of ways to hook up goes on: sultry personal ads in the back pages of gay publications such as XY and Têtu, dating sites such as Grindr, and now, the Zoom sex parties of the coronavirus era.

These arenas have facilitated cultural practices that the anthropologist Shaka McGlotten calls “virtual intimacies,” or feelings of connection mediated by communication technology. I was amazed by how swiftly queer nightlife and sex worlds moved to Zoom, but Aurora Higgs, a queer Ph.D. student, artist, and performer from Richmond, Virginia, says that the required shift to online events ended up feeling more liberating than in-person shows. In Virginia, liquor laws limit activity in mixed-beverage establishments, including how much skin dancers can show, which clothing items can be removed, and how dancers can remove them. But the brilliant thing about online burlesque, Higgs told me, was that there was no bar. “We were able to do stuff we weren’t able to do before, things like nudity,” she said. “It was interesting to see how people were utilizing their own spaces at home to dip us further into the fantasy.”

Higgs told me that she plans to start a website where she can do cam work and online kink photography. “As a Black trans woman, I sometimes feel like everyone has access to my sexuality but me. I’m expected to be passively content at the end of a violent gaze, with little opportunity to turn my gaze on to others or on myself,” she said. With camming and virtual shows, “the gaze that normally violates me is temporarily being used at my discretion.”

Even though sex can now take place in real life again for some, many queer and trans people—who have long dealt with the reality of HIV/AIDS—must navigate transparency about sexual health with the added complication of COVID-19. Trust is the currency that will shape how queer and trans people approach hooking up in a post-vaccine summer, Ayo Dawkins, an artist from Virginia, told me. “Not that I trusted everyone I was with pre-pandemic,” they said. “But I knew sex wouldn’t kill you. You have condoms to protect you from STDs and STIs, and you have Truvada (PrEP) to protect you from HIV, but nothing could protect you from COVID aerosols.” Today, with new questions to ask about sexual-health statuses, some queer people may favor a more curated approach to sex that relies heavily on closed sexual networks.

In many ways, the past year and a half of sexual distancing, online intimacy, and exploration of pleasures has been a rehearsal for a yet-to-be-imagined queer sexual ecosystem. One of my favorite passages from the book Cruising Utopia, by the theorist José Muñoz, reads: “Queerness is not yet here. Queerness is an ideality. Put another way, we are not yet queer … Queerness is a structuring and educated mode of desiring that allows us to see and feel beyond the quagmire of the present,” which is to say that queerness might be the longing for a better world to come. I always say that creativity and innovation stem from the margins, from those who are resisting the kind of flattened human experience that comes from being denied access. If COVID-19 has taught us anything, it’s how to foreground the importance of feeling as a means of survival.

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Love And Sex With Many

— Research On The Health And Wellness Of Consensual Non-Monogamy

By Rebecca Coffey

If Charles Darwin was right, human love and sex are rooted in the same reproductive imperative that makes animals mate. We want to send our genetic material into subsequent generations. Mind you, cats, dogs, Tasmanian devils, insects, fish, birds, and even Big Foot may not be thinking “Babies!” when they have sex. Gay men and lesbians aren’t trying to reproduce. Heterosexual people buying birth control supplies at drug stores aren’t. Regardless, the healthy, animalistic instinct to create progeny may be what makes most of them — most of us — suckers for sex and fools for love. It’s health and wellness in action.

And it’s all fun. But does biology dictate that mating has to be a forever kinda thing? Darwin never expressed an opinion. As it turns out, most animals who seem to be monogamous aren’t. Even so, some big religions dictate monogamy for humans. Many marriage and divorce laws do, too. 

For large mammals, anyway, monogamy doesn’t add to the probability that a species will survive. The opposite may be the case. In 2003, biologist Justin Brashares of the University of British Columbia examined 30 years of data for 41 mammal species on six separate reserves. Publishing in the peer-reviewed journal Conservation Biology, he reported that loyal mating ranked second as the cause of death for populations of primates. (Of course, humans are primates.)

New human sexology research from two groups of researchers has produced results not quite as dire. Even so, their data suggest that long-term monogamy may not always be ideal.

Wellness and Consensual Non-Monogamy

“The Vices and Virtues of Consensual Non-Monogamy: A Relational Dimension Investigation” is the work of graduate student Thomas R. Brooks III. Published by the peer-reviewed journal Psychology and Sexuality and written with colleagues from the Department of Psychology and Special Education at Texas A&M University-Commerce, it compared various measures of relationship quality, conflict resolution style, and individual well-being as self-reported by 555 heterosexual participants. Some of the participants were in monogamous relationships and some were in consensually non-monogamous (CNM) relationships. (CNM means an open relationship with full disclosure. The non-monogamous encounters can range from casual and low-stakes to intimacy that is both emotionally and sexually long-term and loving.)

The study participants completed standard questionnaires about well-being and conflict resolution. They also numerically rated the satisfaction, commitment, intimacy, passion, and love that they experience in their romantic and sexual relationships. Participants in CNM relationships generally scored as psychologically healthier and more content. In the rated measures of satisfaction in sex and love, people in CNM relationships generally outscored people in monogamous relationships. Perhaps not incidentally, people practicing CNM reported using positive problem-solving with their intimate partners, while those practicing monogamy more often reported that they emotionally withdraw from conflict with their relationship partner.

Was it the multiplicity of partners that made people in CNM relationships the high scorers on measures of well-being and happiness? Perhaps not. Brooks surmised that the increased satisfaction and psychological health measures may have been due to consensually non-monogamous people having negotiated “ways to keep sexual and romantic variety a priority in the relationship.” This is to say that it may not be sexual or romantic variety that’s the spice of life. It may be the negotiating— and the value that people place on keeping honesty and intimacy alive. 

CNM and Polyamory in History

One month before Brooks’ paper was published, the peer-reviewed journal Archives of Sexual Behavior published a paper by archivist-historian Brian M. Watson and Oxford University historian Sarah Stein Lubrano. In their study the two researchers investigated the passionate CNM attachments of a large handful of historical figures. “‘Storming Then Performing’: Historical Non-Monogamy and Metamour Collaboration” peeked at the love lives of nineteenth- and twentieth-century artists and intellectuals. (“Metamours” = “partner(s) of partner(s).”)

In the paper, details of the intimate heterosexual, bisexual, and homosexual lives of novelist Virginia Woolf, painter Frida Kahlo, poet/essayist/dramatist Victor Hugo, physicist Erwin Schrödinger, poet/playwright/suffragist Edna St. Vincent Millay, sociologist/historian Maximilian Karl Emil Weber, and Wonder Woman comic book author William Moulton Marston and various of their metamours were revealed. The paper’s view of love lives gone by showed that positive problem-solving of the sort described in Brooks’ Psychology and Sexuality paper can extend beyond the relationship among sexually and romantically intimate partners into and throughout their entire metamour network.

Watson and Lubrano use the term “polycule” (“polyamorous” + “molecule”) to describe a network of partners and metamours. Frida Kahlo is the only black- or brown-skinned person whose polycules their paper examined. Volunteering that information, Lubrano quipped in a group Zoom call, “In the late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries, rich white people did a really good job of saving their correspondence and leaving it to be found.” 

With access to such correspondence and with the help of other archival material and secondary sources like biographies, Watson and Lubrano reframed non-monogamous behaviors that might once have been described as immoral and sketched portraits of polycules that were deeply caring in important material, social, and psychological ways. 

That being said, matters weren’t always tranquil in historical CNM polycules, certainly not during a polycule’s early days.

  • Virginia Woolfe was lucky enough to enjoy a long, largely peaceful polycule with her husband, journalist and publisher Leonard Woolfe, and author/garden designer Vita Sackville-West. However, that may be because Sackville-West’s explosive and dishonest behavior within a previous polycule had provided momentous learning experiences for her. 
  • Max Weber’s CNM relationship with his lover Else Jaffe erupted early on when he learned that his metamour was his own brother. After he got over that surprise, things settled down. Another of Weber’s partners was his wife, the feminist scholar and activist Marrianne Weber. She and Else together took care of Weber as he succumbed to pneumonia in 1914, leaving Marianne with her dead sister Lili’s four children, which she and Weber had intended to raise. Else stepped in and raised the children with Marianne. According to Watson and Lubrano, when Marianne died in Heidelburg in 1954, it was in Else’s arms.
  • When Erwin Schrödinger’s partner Hilde March had a little girl by him and developed post-partum depression, Schrödinger wife, Anny, took care of the baby until Hilde recovered. Later, Anny cared for Schrödinger’s baby by another partner. Schrödinger, meanwhile, relied on a metamour — Anny’s partner Peter Weyl — both emotionally and academically.

And so on. Watson and Lubrano’s paper featured several more polycules of the rich and famous.

Why Study CNM Satisfaction?

The polycules profiled by Watson and Lubrano give social context and history to a way of living that is still stigmatized in America. As the two researchers said in the Zoom call, they wrote the paper to normalize CNM, and also to make clear that the idea that healthy, non-competitive relationships among metamours constitute a potentially emancipatory way of loving and living. Watson said, “We want people contemplating or already in CNM relationships to know that they’re not the first ones to want this. They are not alone in history. There are good role models. We hope that looking at the past can make people confident about structuring their lives in a way that’s fulfilling.”

Indeed. The wide variance in the current estimates on how many adult Americans have participated in CNM in their lifetime (anywhere between 4% (2013) and 22% (2016)) suggests that CNM remains so stigmatized that some people are too ashamed to admit the truth of their romantic and sexual selves even to an anonymous survey. Data collected and reported in 2016 by researchers at the Kinsey Institute reflect the high estimate (22% lifetime incidence). The Kinsey researchers also noted that men as well as people who identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual were more likely to testify to previous engagement in CNM. 

If indeed the Kinsey researchers’ estimate is correct, CNM may not be the “new normal.” It may, however, be one of several new normals, and it may be one that marital law and communities should prepare to accommodate.

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What Causes Sexless Relationships

& How To Fix One

by Kelly Gonsalves

If you’ve found yourself in a sexless relationship, you likely have a lot of questions on your mind: What causes a relationship to become sexless? Is a sexless relationship healthy? And maybe the scariest question to ask yourself, especially if you’ve been in this relationship a long time and very much love the person you’re with: Should you stay in a sexless relationship? Here are all the answers you’re looking for, straight from sex and marriage therapists.

What is a sexless relationship?

A sexless relationship is a relationship where there’s little to no sexual activity occurring between the couple. There’s no exact way to quantify what counts as a sexless relationship, as different people have different expectations and desires for sex. Having sex 10 times a year or less is usually considered a sexless relationship, according to AASECT-certified sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman. But it’s very dependent on the individuals. For example, some people are perfectly happy with sex about once a month, whereas for others, that might feel infrequent enough to consider it a sexless relationship.

“It’s a bit arbitrary,” Zimmerman tells mbg. “I am always hesitant to define what amount is a problem or to focus on frequency because just meeting a number doesn’t mean your sex life is really working. Whenever we talk frequency, I think we are having the wrong conversation; it should be about quality—the degree to which both people find it enjoyable, engaging, and positive in their relationship.”

Sexless relationship statistics.

Of the 659 married people who shared details about their sexual frequency in the 2018 U.S. General Social Survey, about 19% were in what could be considered sexless relationships, reporting having had sex “once or twice” or “not at all” in the last year.

In comparison, about 35% of those married people had sex one to three times per month, 25% of had sex weekly, and 21% had sex several times per week.

In general, it’s common for sex in long-term relationships to fluctuate in frequency and quality. One study found four in five couples dealt with mismatched libidos in the last month. “Sexless relationships happen all the time,” marriage therapist and certified sex educator Lexx Brown-James, LMFT, tells mbg.

What causes sexless relationships.

There’s often not one direct cause that leads to sexless relationships but rather a myriad of factors that contribute to how a relationship slowly becomes sexless over time. Here are a few common contributing factors, according to Brown-James and sex therapist Vanessa Marin, LMFT:

  • Neither person cares about sex that much
  • Being so busy that sex is deprioritized
  • Neglecting intimacy and pleasure in general
  • Conflict in the relationship that creates disconnection
  • Health challenges (e.g., sexual pain, dysfunction, aging-related changes, etc.)
  • One or both partners are asexual
  • One or both partners have experienced sexual trauma, making sex harder or less appealing
  • Mismatched libido or other forms of desire discrepancy

“There’s also so much misinformation out there about sex, and that can lead people to developing unhealthy relationships with it. For example, believing that sex should always be spontaneous,” Marin adds. “And sometimes couples find themselves in a sexless marriage and can’t even remember how they got there.”

Effects of a sexless relationship.

A sexless relationship will not necessarily harm the overall health of the relationship. “If both people are happy without sex (or infrequent sex), there is no problem. Like so much about our sex life, it’s a problem when it causes distress,” Zimmerman explains.

But she notes: If one or both people are unhappy with their sex life, it can cause negative feelings that can bubble up in other areas of their life and taint the rest of the relationship. When one or both people are unhappy with the sexlessness, she says some potential effects include:

  • Negative feelings like loneliness, resentment, frustration, guilt, rejection, and inadequacy
  • Negative feelings and pressure around sex, triggering a sexual avoidance cycle
  • Less openness and connection
  • Less goodwill and kindness
  • Less patience with each other

Is a sexless relationship healthy?

Yes, sexless relationships can absolutely be healthy. “Some people are perfectly happy without sex, so there is no problem. And even when sex is a problem, the rest of the relationship can be healthy,” says Zimmerman. It all depends on the couple, what each person’s individual needs are, and how they communicate and tend to each other’s needs.

“But if one or both people are unhappy, that will inevitably lead to a negative cycle and some spillover to the rest of their relationship,” she notes. “If the sex life isn’t ‘healthy,’ it doesn’t mean the whole relationship isn’t, but it can take a serious toll.”

Can a relationship survive without intimacy?

A relationship can survive without intimacy, and so can sexless relationships. But a relationship without intimacy is not exactly the same as a relationship without sex. Some people might not have a ton of sexual activity and don’t mind it all, especially if they have other types of intimacy like emotional intimacy and spiritual intimacy.

But if you have no types of intimacy whatsoever in the relationship, that’s a whole separate problem that may not necessarily be related to the lack of sex.

“A relationship without intimacy and passion that solely has commitment is called empty love,” Brown-James says, citing psychologist Robert Sternberg’s triangular theory of love. “These relationships can survive; however, partners might look more like roommates than lovers. There is one caveat where marriages without passion survive and thrive. Relationships where friendship and commitment are the base of connection survive and thrive when passion is absent.”

Should you stay in a sexless relationship?

Whether you should stay in a sexless relationship depends on how important sex is to you personally. “People who value sex also can stay in a sexless relationship and be happy,” Brown-James says. “While sex is one way to bring pleasure into a relationship, it’s not the only way and for some not the most important way to connect with one another. It’s really an individual choice whether a person wants to stay and something that takes an honest conversation with yourself about desire and sexual needs.”

The decision to stay in a sexless relationship also depends on how willing you both are to working on creating a mutually satisfying sex life together. Have you opened up a conversation about the state of your sex life together, and have both people put in active effort and care into solving this issue?

“If you are in a sexless relationship and feeling unsatisfied, there is reason to discuss your dissatisfaction with your partner and come up with solutions,” Brown-James says. “Parsing out exactly what you mean, expect, and want is integral to knowing if you want to stay or leave.”

It may not make sense for you to stay in a sexless relationship if any of the following are true for you, according to Zimmerman:

  1. Your partner refuses to work through this issue with you.
  2. Your relationship issues are so big that there are other reasons to divorce.
  3. Your sexual interests are so different that there are not ways to enjoy sex together, and you don’t agree to find another way to explore those interests.

(Here’s Zimmerman’s full guide to how to know when to walk away from a sexless marriage or relationship.)

“One of the things that can keep people stuck and not dealing with the issues is the belief that this means their relationship is doomed,” Zimmerman adds. “It doesn’t have to mean that, but if people don’t understand they can address the issues, they are likely to avoid the issue and doing anything to fix it.”

How to deal with a sexless relationship.

If you’re in a sexless relationship and really struggling to get your sex life to a place that feels good for both people, consider working with a sexuality professional. Oftentimes bringing in a supportive, impartial third party can help clear the air and set you on the right path.

Below are five more tips from Zimmerman, in her exact words:

1. Talk about it.

Have a different kind of conversation, one that is meant to get you working on it as a team, as allies, committed to a win/win. Most couples in this situation believe their interests are opposed (more sex/less sex), but it’s crucial to be working together on a sex life that works for both people. That has to come through in the conversations. And you have to keep the topic on the table, not just bring it up once a year.

2. Uncover the obstacles.

What’s gotten in the way of sex? Instead of anger that you aren’t getting what you want, cultivate curiosity about why this is a struggle for your partner. There are many things that can get in the way, including relationship issues, power dynamics, the meaning of sex in your relationship, the sex itself, etc. You need to identify what’s in the way and work together to change those aspects.

3. Develop a new paradigm.

Challenge expectations about sex. Learn how it works. Redefine it so it’s not attached to particular acts or outcomes. Create more flexibility around how you can share sexuality. Learn how sexual desire really works, and approach sex with openness to play rather than having specific metrics for success.

4. Approach sex as a “playground” without attachment to an outcome.

Rather than a binary yes/no (which so many people end up with), create room for “maybe.” Let’s get started and see what happens. Create those opportunities and enjoy them together, whether that results in “sex” the way you think of it or not. This is how you can take the pressure off—by learning to play and enjoy and create a way of engaging where there is no failure.

5. Prioritize it.

Schedule opportunities for this playground, this “maybe.” Make it a regular part of your life—to be physically intimate in some way, without pressure that it has to be any particular act(s). And keep talking!

How important is sex in a relationship?

How important sex is in a relationship will vary based on the couple and the individuals in it. In general, research shows sexual satisfaction is linked to overall relationship satisfaction, but that doesn’t necessarily mean more sex is better. One study in the Social Psychological and Personality journal found that adding more sex to a relationship stopped improving happiness after a certain point (about once a week), while other research has found people who don’t have sex are just as happy as people who have a lot of it.

“It’s so dependent on the couple!” Marin says. “For some couples, having sex once a year feels totally healthy. For other couples, having sex less than once a day doesn’t feel healthy! We each get to decide how important sex is to us individually, and how to balance those needs as a couple.”

For couples who do generally care about having a relatively active sex life, Zimmerman notes, “When sex is working well, it feels like 20% of the relationship—just one more aspect that’s working. But when it isn’t, it feels like 80% of the relationship, potentially overshadowing the other parts that may be working just fine.”

Just remember, it’s perfectly normal to not want to have sex with your partner sometimes, and ebbs and flows in sexual desire within a relationship are common. As long as there’s communication and a willingness to work together, relationships can survive these ups and downs without trouble.

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