Category: Sex and Relationships

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What Is Postcoital Dysphoria?

Here’s what you need to know about the after-sex blues.

BY Tatyannah King

Sometimes the best part of sex is after sex, when you get to lie around in a postcoital haze (after you pee for UTI-prevention purposes, obviously) and soak up all the just-got-laid vibes—unless sex leaves you feeling absolutely miserable, that is. Have you ever felt random sadness, irritability, or anxiety after an otherwise pleasant sexperience? Maybe the sex was good and you felt fine at first, but then afterward you noticed an overwhelming change in mood. Then, before you knew it, your emotions fully took over to the point where you started crying or froze up completely.

If any of this sounds familiar, then you may have experienced postcoital dysphoria, commonly referred to as “post-sex blues.” And don’t worry babe, you’re very much not alone.

Postcoital dysphoria (sometimes abbreviated PCD) is relatively common, and while we gals may have the monopoly on crying both in and out of bed, it’s not nearly as gender-specific as you might think. According to a 2015 study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 46 percent of the 233 female students surveyed experienced PCD at least once, and a 2019 study found that 41 percent of male students surveyed had experienced it at some point in their lifetime.

“Postcoital dysphoria is when a person experiences feelings of sadness, depression, anxiety or agitation after consensual sex—even if that sex was loving, satisfying, or enjoyable,” says Wendasha Jenkins Hall, PhD, aka the Sensible Sexpert.

It can obviously be pretty disorienting and/or downright scary to get hit with a sudden wave of negative feelings out of nowhere, especially after you’ve just enjoyed a trip to bonetown and would much rather be cuddling with your partner in a state of post-orgasmic bliss. Luckily, if you are someone who experiences the post-sex blues, there are ways to deal. Here’s everything you need to know about postcoital dysphoria, including why it happens and how to keep it from killing your post-sex vibe.

What causes postcoital dysphoria?

Research on what causes postcoital dysphoria is somewhat limited, and it’s not exactly a condition where one size (or reason, rather) fits all. That said, experts do have a few theories on what causes the post-sex blues.

For some, postcoital dysphoria may be linked to other mental health conditions, including anxiety and depression, says Hall, adding that hormonal shifts, particularly after pregnancy, might also be a contributing factor. “The hormonal fluctuations that a pregnant person may experience postpartum or postnatal may cause these feelings of postcoital dysphoria,” she says.

According to Hall, it’s also thought that a history of abuse, “especially childhood sexual abuse,” might be related to some people’s experience of PCD.

“Another reason may be resentment,” she adds. “If a person has a history of emotional, psychological or physical abuse, then they may be more resentful about sex or sexual experiences, especially if they feel they don’t have complete control over these experiences.”

Whatever might be causing your own experience of postcoital dysphoria will depend on your own individual circumstances, obvs. It might be something you can figure out with a therapist, or you might literally just not know what exactly is behind your post-sex blues. Fortunately, no matter what’s causing it, there are ways to cope with PCD when it happens.

What are some techniques to cope with postcoital dysphoria?

An attack of bad vibes after sex can feel random and all consuming, but self-care practices like breathing exercises and meditation might help you deal if you find yourself experiencing negative feelings post-sex.

“I can’t emphasize enough the importance of breath work for any somatic condition such as postcoital dysphoria,” says James Humecky, somatic educator and certified surrogate partner therapist. “Breath brings us back to our bodies. Breath brings awareness. Awareness brings relief.”

If you feel the blues coming on after sex, Humecky suggests following these steps:

  1. Connect to your body by getting comfortable and distraction-free.
  2. Practice diaphragmatic breathing (five seconds inhale, five seconds exhale).
  3. Pay attention to what’s happening within your body at that moment.
  4. Recognize what kind of sensations you’re feeling.
  5. Ask yourself what you need at that exact moment.

Humecky also encourages letting yourself get curious about sensations. Are there any images or colors you can associate with what’s happening on the inside? What adjectives could you use to describe your feelings?

“By welcoming the sensation in, we break the cycle of fear and confusion that surrounds it,” he continues.

Hall adds that self-management techniques for PCD may also look like drawing, taking a warm bath, having your partner bring you your favorite food, or just giving yourself space to clear your head.

How to talk about postcoital dysphoria with your partner

It’s only natural to shut down when you’re dealing with something as difficult and confusing as postcoital dysphoria, but it’s super important to know that you don’t have to go through it alone. Opening up to your partner about what you’re experiencing can actually be extremely helpful in beating the post-sex blues.

“Partnership will yield the most satisfactory and long-lasting results,” Humecky says, adding that while some people may worry their partner will take their PCD personally, honest communication is crucial. Opening up to your partner about what you’re going through is a chance to get closer, and to help you both better understand the (occasionally confusing!) connection between the mind and the body during sex.

Hall recommends explaining to your partner that it isn’t necessarily the sex itself that is causing anxiety, sadness, and depression. It’s possible to genuinely feel pleasured and physically satisfied during sex, yet notice a sudden influx of distressing emotions after sex, all of which may not have anything to do with your relationship or the quality of the sex you’re having.

When to seek professional help

Self-care, post-sex rituals, and self-management techniques can be helpful, but there are times when even those methods aren’t enough. If you find that PCD cannot be managed with deep breathing, meditation, and other self-care practices, or if it’s harming the overall quality of your relationship, then it could be time to seek help from a professional.

“It is important to see a therapist, mental health specialist, or counselor, as what is causing the postcoital dysphoria can be deep-rooted issues, from sexual trauma to general stress and anxiety,” says Hall. “When seeing a counselor, it should not necessarily be about the sex. It should be about the feelings that one is having after sex.”

As with any mental health journey, it’s important not to hold yourself to any specific timeline when navigating PCD, whether you’re doing it on your own or with the help of a professional. It may take a long time to get to the root of your feelings and figure out how to manage them, and that’s okay.

Feeling sad for no reason is obviously not a vibe, especially after sex. But working through postcoital dysphoria is an opportunity to learn more about yourself, and to better understand the (sometimes annoyingly!) complex relationship between your mind, body, and ~feels~. If you’re dealing with a case of the post-sex blues, know that you’re not alone, it is manageable, and you don’t have to let this random attack of bad vibes ruin your sex life. With a little self-care and/or professional help, you can get back to laying around in your regularly scheduled post-sex bliss, promise.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why Some Straight Men Sleep With Other Men

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Sexual identities and sexual behaviors don’t always match because sexuality is multidimensional. Many people recognize sexual fluidity, and some even identify as “mostly straight.”

Fewer people know that some men and women have same-sex encounters, yet nonetheless perceive themselves as exclusively straight. And these people are not necessarily “closeted” gays, lesbians, or bisexuals.

When a closeted gay or bisexual man has sex with another man, he views that sex as reflecting his secret identity. He is not open about that identity, likely because he fears discrimination. When a straight man has sex with another man, however, he views himself as straight despite his sex with men.

In my book, Still Straight: Sexual Flexibility among White Men in Rural America, I investigate why some men who identify as straight have sex with other men. Large nationally representative surveys show that hundreds of thousands of straight American men — at least — have had sex with two or more other men. This finding represents a disconnect between identity and behavior, and researchers from around the world – in the United States, Australia, and the U.K. – have studied this topic.

It involves two related but separate issues: first, why men identify as straight if they have sex with other men, and second, why straight men would have sex with other men in the first place.

Skirting around cheating

As part of my research, I spoke with 60 straight men who have sex with other men and specifically looked at men in rural areas and small towns. The majority of men I interviewed were primarily attracted to women, not men. So why would they have sex with other men?

My findings revealed several reasons as to why straight men have sex with other men. Several men explained that their marriages did not have as much sex as they wanted, and while they wanted to remain married, they also wanted to have more sex. Extramarital sex with men, to them, helped relieve their sexual needs without threatening their marriages.

Tom, a 59-year-old from Washington, explained: “I kind of think of it as I’m married to a nun.” He continued: “For me, being romantic and emotional is more cheating than just having sex.” And Ryan, a 60-year-old from Illinois, felt similarly. He said: “Even when I have an encounter now, I’m not cheating on her. I wouldn’t give up her for that.”

These men felt as though extramarital sex with women would negatively affect their marriages, whereas extramarital sex with men was not as much of an issue. Most men had not told their wives about their extramarital sex, however.

'Mostly Straight' Guy Falls for Roommate During Quarantine

Identities reflect sexual and nonsexual aspects of life

In order to answer why men would identify as straight despite having sex with other men, it’s important to know that sexual identities indicate how people perceive the sexual and nonsexual aspects of their lives. Connor, a 43-year-old from Oregon, noted:

“I think there’s a definite disconnect between gay and homosexual. There’s the homosexual community, which isn’t a community, there’s the homosexual proclivity, and then the gay community. It’s like you can be an athlete without being a jock. And you can be homosexual without being gay, or into all of it. It just becomes so politically charged now.”

The men I talked to identified as straight because they felt that this identity best reflected their romantic relationships with women, their connections to heterosexual communities or the way they understood their masculinity. Straight identification also, of course, meant that they avoided discrimination. They felt that sex with men was irrelevant to their identities given every other part of their lives.

Living in small towns and in more rural settings also shaped how the men perceived themselves. Larry, 37, from Wyoming, explained: “I would say straight because that best suits our cultural norms around here.” Most of the men I talked to were happy with their lives and identities, and they did not want to identify as gay or bisexual — not when people asked them, and not to themselves.

It may come as a surprise, but internalized homophobia was not a major reason the men I spoke to identified as straight. Most supported equal legal rights for lesbians, gays, and bisexuals. Other research also shows that, on average, straight men who have sex with men are not any more homophobic than other straight men. Additionally, while most men knew bisexuality is a valid identity, they felt that bisexual did not describe their identity because they were only romantically interested in women.

Many factors beyond sexual attractions or behaviors shape sexual identification, including social contexts, romantic relationships, and beliefs about masculinity and femininity, among others. Straight men who have sex with other men are not necessarily closeted, because they do genuinely see themselves as heterosexual.

Sexual encounters with men simply do not affect how they perceive their identity.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to deal with nerves the first time you have same-sex sex

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Okay, so you’re pondering having sex with someone of the same gender for the first time.

Feeling nervous? Don’t panic – that’s totally normal.

‘Same-sex sex can feel daunting even if you’ve had plenty of “straight” sex before,’ sex and relationships expert Annabelle Knight tells Metro.co.uk. ‘The reason it feels so different is because… it is!

‘The idea of first time same-sex can feel scary because it’s an entirely new experience. Nerves are part and parcel of pushing yourself out of your usual space and into something new.’

There’s a lot of fear when trying anything new (including queer sex) that you’ll get stuff wrong, that you’ll be rubbish, that it’ll be embarrassing.

It’s all perfectly natural, but when the nerves are overwhelming, it’s time to tackle them.

So, how do we do that?

Reframe anxiety as excitement

You’re about to do something new – what if instead of viewing that as a scary thing, you see it as exciting?

‘Try to focus on the positives. As with lots of new experiences things can seem daunting, however if you re-package nerves as excitement then you’ll be able to build what’s known as “positive anticipation”, which will help you to really get the most out of the experience as a whole,’ Annabelle suggests.

Reframe anxiety as excitement

Talk about it

You don’t need to pretend to be totally cool or act like you know what you’re doing. It’s actually pretty endearing to openly say that you’re a touch nervous.

‘We can combat nerves by opening up communication with our partner, or if you feel able to, telling them that you might be feeling a bit nervous,’ says Lelo’s sex and relationships expert Kate Moyle.

Redefine sex

You might still be holding on to a traditional definition of sex, viewing it only as penis in vagina penetration.

The reality is that sex can encompass all sorts of joyous things – stroking, licking, caressing…

And the thing is, if you’ve been in ‘straight’ sex setups before, you’ve likely played with all of these bits of sex. Remembering that makes same-sex sex feel a lot less scary.

‘Appreciate that there’s more to sex than penetration alone,’ Annabelle says. ‘This means that everything from kissing, cuddling and sensual massage can fall under the banner of sex.

‘Great sex is how you define it so don’t feel constrained by the idea that penetration = proper sex.’

Be playful

Hey, this is supposed to be fun.

‘Even if we haven’t had a sexual experience with someone of the same gender before, bodies are still sensual and sensitive – be creative and playful with your touch, which will help to build up arousal and desire,’ suggests Kate.

Keep communication open

Bring in sex toys

Sex toys are not a necessity, but they can be a bonus – and can definitely help to relieve the pressure of delivering an orgasm with your hands and genitals alone.

Don’t feel pressured to orgasm every time

Not climaxing doesn’t mean you’ve ‘failed’. It’s the journey that counts, and every bit of sex can be a glorious experience – not just the orgasm.

Keep the communication going

‘Vocalise what you are feeling using positive encouragement,’ recommends Kate, ‘so letting them know what feel’s good for you.’

Embrace uncertainty

Annabelle adds: ‘To get the most out of your first same-sex experience make sure you’re in the right head space.

‘You don’t need to have everything figured out, nor do you need to put a label on yourself – instead embrace the fact that you’re ready to experiment and open yourself up to a different type of connection.’

Top tips for great first-time same-sex sex

Trim your nails

‘Long fingernails look great but can be a bit of a pain in the clit when it comes to same-sex experiences,’ notes Annabelle.

Lube

One thing Annabelle recommends for great same-sex sex? ‘Lube, lube, and more lube!’

‘Anal doesn’t just happen, she notes. ‘The anus isn’t self-lubricating and needs a lot of help in that department. A good quality water based lube is a fabulous all-rounder. It’s skin safe, toy safe, and condom safe too.’

Lube is great for vaginas, too, particularly if the woman you’re dating is going through menopause or has given birth (both of which can cause hormones to drop and dryness to occur).

Wetter is better, so feel free to lube liberally.

Stay safe

Pregnancy won’t be a risk during same-sex sex, but make sure you’re still protecting yourself from STIs. Condoms, dental dams – all necessary.

Oh, and ‘if you’re sharing sex toys make sure you give them a clean between uses,’ says Annabelle.

Explore different turn-on spots

‘For women and vulva owners the clitoris is the source of most sensitivity and sexual pleasure, and most women report orgasming via direct clitoral stimulation,’ Kate tells us. ‘But having said that, take your time to explore sensually and not just focusing on the areas of the body commonly associated with sex.

‘This build up gives the body a chance to sexually warm up and become aroused which is key to pleasure.’

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Does It Mean to Be in an Exclusive Relationship?

— Here’s what to know before you DTR.

By Rachel Varina

It’s pretty much the bread and butter of every mainstream romance book and rom-com: the ~exclusive relationship~. Cue the hearts, sunsets, and kisses in the rain! And while exclusive relationships might seem like the end-all-be-all definition of lurve, there’s actually a lot more to monogamy than what you’ve seen in Hallmark movies. In fact, if you’re trying to figure out what it really means to be in an exclusive relationship, the IRL version is a little less “hold me forever” and a little more “it’s your turn to take out the trash.”

In reality, people typically enter into exclusive relationships for emotional support, physical comfort, companionship, stability, and even safety, explains dating coach Blaine Anderson, founder of Dating By Blaine. “The right partner can accentuate and improve virtually every aspect of your life, from mundane things like waking up and making coffee, to big things like starting a new job or traveling to a foreign country,” she says.

But being in an exclusive relationship is about more than just having someone to eat dinner with and argue over what to watch on Netflix. Relationship therapist and consultant, Stephanie Mintz, LMFT, adds that some individuals don’t feel comfortable being physically intimate with others unless they’re monogamous. This could be because they view physical intimacy as an expression of singular commitment, or it could be due to health concerns.

Whether you’re considering taking the leap with a special someone or you’re just trying to learn more about different types of relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here’s everything you need to know about being in an exclusive relationship and having the coveted, perpetual plus-one.

What does “exclusive” mean?

The movies usually stop when the couple finally gets together, which can make the whole concept of what it actually means to be in an exclusive relationship a little confusing. “Typically, it means monogamy,” says licensed psychotherapist Rachel Wright, founder of Shame Free Therapy and Zumio sex educator. “It means: ‘We’re no longer available for romantic or sexual relationships with anyone else.’” The concept usually applies to both the emotional and physical aspects of a romantic relationship. So, in theory, you like/love only this person, and you also do the no-pants dance with them and only them too.

Additionally, Anderson adds, both partners in an exclusive, monogamous relationship are typically expected to be physically and emotionally faithful. “[This] can mean different things to different people though, so it’s beneficial to set clear expectations and boundaries with anyone you’re considering being exclusive with,” she says.

As with most things, this isn’t a one-size-fits-all deal. Some people aren’t a fan of the lack of variety or spontaneity generally associated with exclusivity, while others choose to adapt the concept to fit their needs. Nowadays more and more couples are taking the time to lay out what exclusivity means to their relationship, Anderson says, so the definition won’t necessarily be the same for everyone.

In fact, there can be—and oftentimes is—exclusivity in open and polyamorous relationships too, notes Mintz. “The exclusivity can be with more than one person with discussions and agreements understood by all of the people in the relationship.”

What counts as cheating in an exclusive relationship?

Just like the definition of an exclusive relationship varies on who you ask, what it means to cheat is going to depend on the couple. As a very base level across the board, though, cheating = a broken agreement, Wright says. That’s why cheating can happen in non-monogamous relationships; it all goes back to crossing some sort of boundary. When it comes to exclusive relationships, though, Wright adds that this typically means “having sex or flirting” with someone other than your monogamous partner.

But since every relationship—exclusive and non—is different, what one couple counts as cheating, another might consider a normal Tuesday night. Some partners might be cool with kissing but intercourse is off the table, while others count any type of physical or emotional intimacy (like long, heart-felt chats or mushy texts) with someone outside of their relationship to be cheating, Mintz says.

This is why agreeing on what your relationship does and doesn’t mean in regards to intimacy is essential to fostering a successful bond. You might come to find that you’re okay with your partner flirting with other people but not crossing a physical line, or vice versa, and it’s all totally normal.

How do you talk about exclusivity with your partner?

If you think you’re ready to define the relationship, the first thing you want to do is find a good time to bring up the convo so it won’t feel rushed. Waiting in line at the grocery store or catching them between Zoom meetings isn’t ideal. Anderson says you’ll also want to bring the topic up in a safe, private place where you both feel comfortable sharing and listening.

When you go to lay your heart on the line, Wright suggests explaining that you want to talk about relationship exclusivity and check to see if they’re receptive to that conversation. This isn’t an ambush. They might need more time to get in the proper headspace. From there, honesty—even if it’s hard—is key to ensuring both of your needs are heard. Try to keep the conversation respectful, open, and judgment-free, and take breaks if needed.

The caveat here, of course, is that you could be on two totally different pages. You might want to be exclusive and they might not believe in closing the relationship or aren’t ready for that step. While that might hurt, it doesn’t mean you should take that as your cue to pressure them or give an ultimatum. “Being respectful does not include trying to convince someone to change their mind so you’re on the same page,” Mintz explains. “Take what the person is saying at face value and decide whether you want to continue being with them in light of the knowledge you’re given.”

Does exclusivity work for everyone?

Nope! Despite how most mainstream media makes it seem, monogamy isn’t always the move. In fact, according to Anderson, many people rush into this type of relationship before they’re actually ready. If you’re considering embarking on an exclusive relationship, Anderson and Mintz say you should really consider whether or not you know each other well enough to make such a commitment. Are you aware of each other’s imperfections? Do you trust them to meet (at least most of) your needs and expectations? Can you meet (most of) theirs? And finally, are you both actually ready to be exclusive?

Unfortunately, people often say they *want* to be exclusive, but their actions speak otherwise. “If you’re seeing someone who talks about wanting exclusivity, but doesn’t seem to want it in practice, they don’t want it,” Anderson says. The same thing goes for you. If you find yourself thinking of straying, missing being single, or going behind your partner’s back, exclusivity probs isn’t a good fit right now. (Or ever, even.)

The good news is that relationships and exclusivity aren’t synonymous. If you love the idea of being with one person, great. If not, also great because there are a lot of different types of fulfilling relationships out there to explore. “We are brought up into a mononormative society, so most folks assume an ‘exclusive’ relationship is the only way to move towards moving in together and potentially marriage and kids,” Wright says. “But monogamy is not the only long-term committed relationship design option.” There are open relationships, ethically non-monogamous relationships, polyamorous relationships, and triads, just to name a few.

That’s what’s great about modern relationships: It’s up to you and your partner(s) to define them. As long as you communicate with each other, respect one another, and maybe even share a few kisses in the rain, you’ll have that coveted romantic comedy-worthy bond.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why Knowing Your Sexual Values is Essential for Good Sex

By Gigi Engle

We put so much emphasis on our “values.” Whether in life, work, or love, nearly all of us have been encouraged to explore what is important to us. This same enthusiasm is not extended to sexuality. Why? Because we’re not a society that thinks sex is all that important. Other things are always given priority, like work, kids, school, paying the bills, and exercise. These things are always seen as more important than our sex lives.

Needless to say, it really shouldn’t be this way. Just like having values in life, we need to have core values when it comes to sex. Sexual values are linked to our personal feelings about what is acceptable and desirable behavior. Understanding what these values are is crucial to developing stable relationships.

If this is all sounding like a lot of philosophy without a ton of practicality, hang in there. This stuff takes patience and practice – and a whole lot of self-reflection.

What are sexual values?

At this point, you may be wondering how your “values” can be extended into sex. And that’s why we’re here: To give you that sweet tea. It’s quite simple when you break it down.

In a nutshell: sexual values are linked to our personal feelings about what is acceptable and desirable behavior. Lucy Rowett, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist, explains to TheBody that sexual values are a special subset of values that specifically pertain to sexual behaviors, turn-ons/offs, and pleasure.

We humans are not a one-size-fits-all kind of crowd. We all want and need different things from sex. “Sexual values support individuals in developing a roadmap for making sexual decisions based on what truly matters to them,” Dr. Nazanin Moali, a sex therapist and the host of the Sexology podcast, tells TheBody.

Essentially, what determines your sexual values is how you feel about sex and what makes sex the best it can be for you. As with all our values, we need to think about our sexual values, codify them, and apply them to our lives to obtain and sustain the most desirable sex lives (and sexual partners) possible. Sex is just as important as all other aspects of life and it deserves attention.

How sexual values develop

While on the journey to understand what your sexual values are, you may want to consider how your feelings about sex itself have developed and grown throughout your life. There is a whole boatload of external and internal factors that lead us to develop certain attitudes about sex, Moali tells us.

Let’s break down external factors and internal factors. External factors are those that come from outside of us. These include messages we received in childhood about sex, what our partners believe about sex and pleasure, and, maybe most critically, the type of sex education we received. As for internal factors, these are what’s going on in that cute little mind and body of yours. These include your general temperament, your willingness to explore novelty, and your libido.

This can get messy when we have received negative or critical messages about sex and our value as sexual beings. If we come from a background of sex-negativity (which, to be honest, basically everyone does), determining what actually makes “good sex” can be terribly confusing and even distressing.

Start by thinking about some of your “bad” or unsatisfactory sexual experiences – excluding situations where assault occurred. The negative feelings that occurred during or post sex can help indicate conflicts within a sexual value system. “Our emotions are our internal navigation system and sometimes when we experience a negative emotion it may be [a] result of engaging in a sexual behavior that conflicts with our value system,” Moali says.

It’s important to take time to figure out those feelings, why they happened, and how to avoid them in the future is a pivotal part of unpicking where your values are based.

Why it’s important to have strong sexual values

Understanding our sexual values can help us have better, more fulfilling sex lives – and better, more stable relationships with our partners (casual, serious, or otherwise). Many of us have sexual desires that go against the sex-negative messages we grew up with, and when we don’t know what our sexual values are because of these conflicts, it makes making sexual decisions difficult.

When it comes to partners, feeling confident with our sexual values will help identify red flags in ill-suited partners, while encouraging the development of authentic connections with partners who are better matches for us.

These values are important because they allow us to have sexual connections and relationships that help us feel satisfied and sexually fulfilled, and can create strong, healthy sexual and romantic relationships. Sharing sexual values “makes a relationship stronger when both individuals have defined values that they have shared with each other,” Moali says. “It provides a shared language and framework for couples to communicate clearly on what is important for them in a relationship.”

All in all, Moali says that “cultivating a sex life based on our values promotes well-being inside and outside the bedroom.” It’s good for us in all aspects of life and therefore deserves some serious attention.

Questions to ask yourself when discovering your sexual values

Most people don’t have an answer to questions like: What matters to you in a relationship? What matters to you during sex? What do you like about sex? What makes sex good for you? What is an ideal experience?

These are all questions you can (and should) ask yourself when you’re attempting to figure out your values. “If you’ve ever done a personal values audit when it comes to the rest of your life – for example, in your personal life, health, relationships, career, business, or spirituality; it’s the same concept [as this], but for your sexuality,” Rowett says.

Journaling can be very beneficial here because it puts all your thoughts into writing. Rowett suggests prompts could be:

Things that are a hot yes in a partner are… Things that are a hell no in a partner are… My sexual non-negotiables are… What I most need to feel sexually and erotically satisfied is…, The emotional needs that need to be met in my sexual relationship are…, If I could only have the sex and intimacy that nourished my soul and lit me up, it would be…

From here, you can start to discern certain patterns, words, and behaviors that seem to follow positive and negative experiences. And from there, you can distill what core values might be for you.

This is a core concept for coming into your own as a fully realized sexual being. It’s all about the journey and we have to be willing to look inward and self-reflect to get the most out of this wild ride.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to close an open relationship

How to close an open relationship

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Over the past few years, conversations about polyamory have become more and more commonplace.

In fact, recent research by Lovehoney has uncovered that, as Brits become more sexually explorative and adventurous than ever, one in four Brits say they would consider an open relationship or some kind of polyamory in their lives, while 31% of Brits do not believe in monogamy at all.

Often when we speak about non-monogamy, there’s an assumption that decisions about the dynamic of a relationship made between couples (whether they’re about polyamory or anything else really) are permanent and unchangeable. A common misconception in relationships is that once a boundary is laid down, it’s immobile.

That myth can put people off trying an open relationship. A quick scroll through the non monogamy subreddit will show bouts of people concerned that an open relationship may have no end if they come to dislike it, or already do.

But while boundaries should always be respected, they’re subject to change as individuals and couples grow. If a relationship dynamic is making you uncomfortable, you have every right to negotiate with your partner and propose a new chapter.

Closing open relationships is more common than you might think. Hairdresser Izzy, 31, and her husband shift manager James, 35, opened their marriage after five years of being in a relationship and one year of marriage.

‘We’re both bisexual but neither of us have had a chance to explore things with the opposite sex, always being in hetero relationships,’ Izzy tells Metro.co.uk. ‘We decided to give each other that chance as like a gift.’

For two years, they loved having an open relationship.

‘Neither of us got serious with other people and we still had sex with one another and made lots of time for dates,’ Izzy shares. ‘In a way nothing changed between us really, just I slept with women and Jake slept with men and we felt like we were finally getting to explore our queer identities.’

Things changed for the couple when Izzy got pregnant.

She tells us: ‘Lots of poly couples make a pregnancy work. I’ve seen couples who involve the other partners and the kid gets to have a load of parents who all of them. For us, though, it felt icky.

Multiethnic couple holding hands and walking
Communication is key

‘Being pregnant made me want to close our relationship again and just focus on the three of us, at least for the time being.’

Bella and James think they will eventually re-open their relationship but not until their child, now six months old, is a bit older.

‘I think because we weren’t serious with any of our partners, it didn’t feel natural to involve polyamory with our pregnancy or keep it going,’ Bella adds. ‘And soon I would be so big that sex would kind of be off the cards, wouldn’t it?’

Thankfully for the couple, closing the relationship wasn’t a huge deal.

‘Again I think because we didn’t have any romantic attachment to any of the people we were sleeping with, like we weren’t serious or committed to any of them, [closing the relationship] was sort of easy,’ Bella explains. ‘When we found out we were pregnant, we both just kind of said we should probably stop.’

Gigi Engle, a certified sex educator who specialises in relationship diversity, says closing a relationship can be complicated, ‘but so is opening a relationship’. The key is good old communication.

She tells us: ‘If both partners are down to close the relationship, it’s totally doable. You just have to be on the same page about it.

‘But the thing about open relationships (and relationships in general) is that both people have to want that style of relationship for the relationship to thrive.’

She adds that if one partner wants an open relationship and one partner wants a closed relationship, this is a recipe for disaster.

She continues: ‘Really, what it comes down to is, are you okay with it if your partner wants to close the relationship?

‘If you don’t want to close it, is that a compromise you’re willing to make? It’s really okay if you don’t want to close it, and it’s okay if you do.’

Cropped hands of lesbian couple holding hands against purple background
It’s okay for your relationship to change

If you are on different pages, Engle suggests involving a qualified psychosexual therapist to try to work through that conversation, ‘because you’re fundamentally incompatible on this topic’.

‘It may have to end the relationship, which isn’t a bad thing because you deserve to live your truth,’ Gigi comments.

‘There’s nothing wrong with wanting to close your open relationship. A lot of couples who have close really open relationships often close them at least for periods of time.

‘For instance, like when one partner gets pregnant, the couple may decide to close the relationship during the time of the pregnancy because there’s so much emotional support needed.’

Students Sammi*, 22, and Danielle*, 21, opened their relationship after they’d been together for three years.

Sammi tells Metro.co.uk: ‘My partner had never been with a male before and wanted to experiment, I was eager to explore being open and sleeping with other people except my partner, we didn’t have sex particularly often as we both take antidepressants and find our libidos don’t line up as often as we’d like.’

The couple discussed the idea for a while, downloading dating apps together and making sure they understood and respected each other’s boundaries, before starting to see other people.

‘Soon we started dating others and further on, we ended up having threesomes with people we had each met individually which was an exciting experience,’ Sammi shares. ‘But my partner struggled with this and found it hard to articulate their exact feelings as they weren’t sure what they were feeling themselves.’

Eventually Sammi’s partner, who is non-binary, realised the envy they were feeling wasn’t over Sammi sleeping with men, but over the men themselves.

‘In the end, my partner realised that actually the jealousy was more envy of the males I was meeting as they themselves did not identify as female,’ Sammi explains. ‘We decided to close the relationship again as it brought up feelings we didn’t want to have to work through.

‘So basically our open relationship triggered a gender identity crisis for my partner but ended in an awakening.’

Sammi also realised that she was having sex with men for validation, and she and her partner found this unhealthy – adding another reason to close the relationship.

The conversation about closing their open relationship was made a lot easier because they’d discussed the importance of communicating any and all feelings right when they first discussed polyamory.

Sammi says: ‘We didn’t have a timescale in mind, just for as long as we both enjoyed it and felt we wanted it to be open.

‘I really can’t emphasise the importance of communication during this time as I really think it would have ended us if we couldn’t be open and discuss these things without judgement from the other side.’

Gigi recommends discussing the potential closure of an open relationship from the very beginning, when you first discuss the idea of opening the relationship.

‘When opening, it has to be clear that this might not work and that you’re willing to work through that possibility together,’ she says.

If you want to close your open relationship, these conversations can’t be avoided.

‘You should be living your most authentic life so that you don’t end up miserable and resentful of your partner,’ Gigi says.

She adds that some people go back and forth on opening and closing their relationships, while others open their relationship for a few years then close it again because they’re done with that part of their sexual exploration.

‘It’s completely fine to do and doesn’t make you boring,’ Gigi shares. ‘It doesn’t mean that you’re doing anything wrong.

‘After many years, relationships shift, they change, they never stay stagnant.

‘And what works for you at one point in your life may not work in another.’

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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6 Questions to Ask Yourself If You’re Considering an Open Relationship

A therapist explains how to know if ethical nonmonogamy is right for you.

By Marie Southard Ospina

Many of us grow up alongside narratives of a “happily ever after” one-soulmate-kind-of love, but this cultural ideal is far from a universal reality—or even a universal desire. Just like someone might have several friends who meet various social needs, there are a lot of people, myself included, who crave more than one romantic or sexual partner. And if that’s the case—and you’re already committed to one partner—it makes sense that you might be interested in the idea of an open relationship.

That decision is a hugely personal one of course, and it’s important to recognize that open relationships, where two partners consensually agree to seek sex and/or love outside of their existing relationship, aren’t for everyone. They can feel complicated and, at times, downright messy—not only because many of us live in societies that don’t support nonmonogamy, but also because open relationships can bring up issues around jealousy, boundaries, and relationship goals that can all be pretty intense to navigate.

That said, they can also be incredibly fulfilling. To help you decide whether some kind of open arrangement makes sense for your love life, we asked Dulcinea Alex Pitagora, PhD, LCSW, a New York City–based therapist who specializes in nonmonogamous relationships, for the most important questions to ponder before opening up an existing relationship.

1. What does an “open relationship” mean to you?

If you’re researching this topic for the first time, you’ll likely come across a whole lot of new vocabulary, but the umbrella term for most types of open relationships is ethical nonmonogamy (ENM)—a dynamic in which transparency and communication are at the core of the choices you and your partner(s) make.

Polyamory—having more than one intimate relationship at once—is one way to practice ENM, but there are different types of polyamorous arrangements. For example, you may end up realizing that you align best with a “hierarchical polyamory” dynamic, in which you prioritize one primary relationship over the others. Or, you may prefer “nonhierarchical polyamory,” where every partnership is treated as equal.

Swinging is another form of ENM in which committed couples engage in strictly sexual activities with other couples or single people at the same time. Or maybe a couple wants to date other people together, whether that be with an occasional casual hook-up or in an entirely new relationship structure (like a triad, with three partners being equally committed to one another).

Whether you identify strongly with a preexisting structure or not, though, it’s important to remember that ethical nonmonogamy can be about rewriting the scripts we’re often given when it comes to love and sex—and that ultimately means you’re free to create whatever structure works for you and your partner(s).

2. Why do you really want to do this?

There are a lot of reasons why a couple might consider opening up their existing relationship. A 2022 article published in the journal Sexologies outlined eight potential motivations for polyamory, including fulfillment of needs not met in a monogamous relationship, expression of political values, and the desire to belong to a community.

Asking yourself and your partner whether you’re drawn to having more sex, more love, or some combination of the two can help you start to identify your motivations for exploring an open relationship—as well as whether or not you could both get your needs met by ENM.

3. Are you hoping to “fix” a troubled relationship?

Ethical nonmonogamy isn’t a magical cure for any and all relationship problems. For example, sometimes one partner has come to identify as nonmonogamous while the other hasn’t—but perhaps feels they should embrace nonmonogamy in order to “save” the relationship. In these instances, Dr. Pitagora says doing so might mean that one or both partners end up having to compromise facets of their identities or relationship goals—which can ultimately cause the relationship to break down.

The same is true for partners who are struggling in potentially irreparable ways, but are perhaps “too enmeshed or codependent to break up,” they say. This might look like irreconcilable differences in the desire to become a parent (maybe one person wants children, while the other does not), conflicting morals and values, or the age-old issue that is simply falling out of love.

“Exploring nonmonogamy tends to highlight strengths and weaknesses in relationships, which provides opportunities for personal and relationship growth,” they add. “Along with that growth might come a realization that an open arrangement could help both partners feel more satisfied—or that the relationship isn’t working.”

4. Do you feel comfortable talking about boundaries?

Even in the most established relationships (between parent and child, close friends, or romantic partners), many of us struggle to communicate our needs. For folks opening up their relationships, however, learning each other’s boundaries and fully respecting them is crucial, Dr. Pitagora says.

There are a lot of necessary conversations to have when you’re considering bringing other people into your romantic life, including discussions around the practicalities of your situation: where you’ll meet other people; where you’ll be intimate; whether you’ll be introducing them to friends, family, or children; how you’d like to divide your time; and many more. And these boundaries may need to be negotiated, to make sure both people are comfortable with the perimeters.

 

If you struggle with communicating your boundaries, though, that doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t have a healthy open relationship. Dr. Pitagora suggests first telling your partner about your fears. You can say something like, “I’m curious about an open relationship but I’m worried that I won’t be able to be honest with you about my feelings, or that you won’t respect my needs.” If your partner isn’t receptive and reassuring, that’s a sign that opening the relationship probably isn’t a good idea, they say, since, again, communication and respecting boundaries are crucial for ENM to work.

If even having that conversation freaks you out, it’s okay to take your time getting used to boundary-setting before you explore ENM further. Dr. Pitagora recommends first practicing communicating your needs in “low stakes situations,” like verbalizing an implicit boundary with a close friend—something like, “I appreciate how we don’t text after 10 p.m. when I have to get up early for work the next day, can we keep doing that and call it a boundary?”

You might then try a more challenging boundary—maybe asking a not-so-close friend not to text you after 10. Finally, you can raise the stakes further still by telling your partner what you are and aren’t comfortable with when it comes to an open relationship. “It’s an ongoing practice that eventually will feel easier with time and repetition,” Dr. Pitagora says. They also note that if you have a hard time expressing your needs and boundaries in relationships, individual therapy can be extremely beneficial.

5. How do you deal with jealousy?

Whether you’re monogamous or nonmonogamous, jealousy is one of those very human emotions that can creep up even when you don’t necessarily expect it. If you’re opening up your relationship, however, you’ll have to be willing to dissect the heck out of those feelings and contemplate the ways your jealousy might be a problem.

For instance, do you lash out with aggression, or become insular and unwilling to discuss your feelings? Or maybe you ignore those feelings entirely and pretend everything is okay while they eat you up inside? All of these reactions are signs that your jealousy could get in the way of the healthy communication required for a successful open relationship.

“Jealousy, like all emotions, contains valuable information about something we need to heal from or some need that’s not being met,” Dr. Pitagora explains. The reality of a newly open relationship is that it might bring jealousy to the forefront, but ultimately this can give partners an opportunity to reflect. Slowing down, contemplating your feelings, and collaborating with your partner is a healthy approach to jealousy, and you can also practice it in advance of opening up a relationship, they add.

For example, maybe the thought of multiple partners makes you feel insecure about the strength of your primary partnership, and dedicated couple time might help ease that discomfort. Or perhaps you realize that you’re feeling undervalued, and a more even distribution of household chores would help you feel more appreciated before you consider an open arrangement.

6. Do you rely on other people to validate your worth?

Self-acceptance is being marketed to us left and right these days and there’s a lot of noise out there about how you need to love yourself before you can love somebody else (or multiple somebody elses, in this case). But that journey isn’t typically linear, and you don’t necessarily have to “love yourself fully” (whatever that means) before you welcome other types of love into your life.

 

“Humans need other humans to live, and feeling validated through love from others is healthy, regardless of one’s level of security,” Dr. Pitagora explains. In fact, feeling loved or validated by others can ultimately increase personal feelings of self-worth, they say, in a psychological phenomenon known as positive “reflected appraisals”—when people perceive someone else’s appraisal of them as positive, their self-perception can become more positive, too.

That said, “if someone is completely reliant on someone else’s love and validation for a feeling of self-worth, that can be problematic, in that they may not be able to function if that other person is no longer available to provide love and validation,” Dr. Pitagora says. “And if working on self-compassion feels really uncomfortable to someone, I would say it’s likely they fall into that category.”

Basically, you shouldn’t necessarily rely on someone else (or multiple partners) for your entire sense of self-worth or fulfillment, but there’s no shame in craving more love and validation from others. And if that love and validation come in the form of an open relationship that feels good to all parties involved, then ethical nonmonogamy might be your happily ever after.

As Dr. Pitagora puts it, if both partners feel that an open relationship could help satisfy some of their unmet emotional and/or physical needs and “a couple has good communication practices in place, a foundation of trust, and a willingness to put in the hard work that usually takes place in the beginning of a nonmonogamous learning curve, then I say go for it.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Five tips for navigating an open relationship

By

Dipping a toe into the world of polyamory for the first time can be equal parts exciting and daunting.

But with a recent survey by Lovehoney finding that one in four Brits say they would consider an open relationship (27%), it’s not that uncommon a desire.

Whether you know you want to give it a try or you’re just curious, Ness Cooper, a sexologist at The Sex Consultant, has got five key tips on successfully navigating an open relationship.

Establish the boundaries of your open relationship

First things first: set those ground rules.

‘Learn about which roles you have within your relationship dynamic,’ says Ness.

‘Are you opening up your relationship to have multiple romantic partners, or are you hoping that you and your partner just see others for causal sex and erotic play?’

Communication is key

Boundaries are unlikely to be a one-time, one-size-fits-all conversation.

‘Communication about boundaries is vital,’ explains Ness, ‘but it is also important to understand that different partners will often have different boundaries.

‘Everyone will have varied sexual and relational boundaries, and learning about these can help avoid upsetting the relationship dynamics you have going on.’

Respect each other’s privacy

There’s a difference between secrecy and privacy.

Ness explains: ‘Some individuals may be happier to talk or hear about their partner’s connection with other play partners than others.

‘It is therefore important to understand exactly what your partner is comfortable with hearing.’

Talk about time management

Adding people to your love life means you’ll be juggling even more in your calendar.

‘It can be easy to mismanage time between multiple partners or even time away for casual hook-ups,’ says Ness.

‘Making a schedule with your primary partner [if you have one] and other partners is key to avoiding jealousy and double booking date nights and other intimate activities.’

Ensure you discuss safety

Another vital logistical aspect of opening up a relationship is talking safe sex.

‘It is important to also consider safey aspects,’ says Ness, ‘from meeting new play partners to using safe sex methods such as condoms, it’s important you have these discussions with your partner when opening up your relationship.

‘Getting screened for STIs regularly can also be helpful to add reassurance.’

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5 things more important than sex in a relationship

Feeling emotionally secure in your relationship is more important for its long-term success than the quality of your under-the-cover activities.

By Rebecca Strong

  • Not everyone finds sex essential in a relationship, and experts say other factors may matter more.
  • Quality time, emotional security, and other forms of intimacy can help you grow closer as partners.
  • If you often feel sexually unfulfilled, a calm, open conversation can help you express your needs.

Every relationship is unique. So, while some couples may put sex at the top of their priority list, others may consider other aspects of the relationship more important.;

Partners may not prioritize sex for a number of reasons, according to Lauren Cook-McKay, a marriage and family therapist and VP at Divorce Answers.
For example, having a lower sex drive, being asexual, abstaining from sex due to religious or cultural beliefs, or living with certain medical conditions can all play a role.

“Sex is not the only aspect of the relationship that makes couples happy,” McKay says. “It isn’t always a necessary ingredient for a fulfilling relationship.”

In fact, experts say the following aspects of a relationship may have just as much importance as sex, if not more.

1. Emotional security

Emotional security is the foundation of any loving and supportive relationship, according to Jennine Estes, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Estes Therapy.

Emotional security means you feel safe enough to be open and vulnerable with your partner.

For example, if you feel neglected by your partner or something they said upsets you, you should feel free to share why you’re upset with them — without fearing their reaction.

In contrast, partners who don’t feel emotionally secure might become defensive or combative during conflicts, and withdraw, shut down, or avoid disagreements entirely.

Estes says these behaviors can hinder communication and in some cases breed hidden resentments.

To build emotional security, you might:

  • Let them know when something they do upsets you — but approach them in a non-accusatory way so they know you’re giving them the benefit of the doubt
  • Summarize or reflect back on what they’ve said to show you’ve listened and care about their thoughts and feelings
  • Validate and show empathy for their experiences by saying things like, “It makes sense you’d feel sad in that situation” or “That must’ve been so stressful. I’d feel the same way.”

2. Quality time

A small 2021 study found that spending quality time with your partner — whether just talking or participating in an activity — could help you:

  • Feel more satisfied in the relationship
  • Perceive more positive qualities in your relationship
  • Experience greater closeness to your partner

There’s no hard or fast rule on how much time you should spend together. Ultimately, experts say it’s about finding what works for you — which could mean reserving a stretch of bonding time on weekends, setting aside an hour each day, or doing date night once a week.

Shared experiences are powerful, McKay says, because they can uncover common ground. They can also make you feel like a team, create positive memories to look back on, and motivate you to continue building on the relationship.

“The more the couple can step away from daily stress and be present for each other, the more they will feel connected,” Estes says.

3. Positive interactions

According to extensive research by psychologist John Gottman, couples who had five or more positive interactions for each negative one were more likely to stay married than divorce. Using this magic ratio, Gottman could predict whether a couple would stay married with over 90% accuracy.

Negative interactions may include being overly critical or dismissive of your partner’s feelings, raising your voice, or giving them the silent treatment. These behaviors can take a toll on the trust, respect, and intimacy in your relationship.

Conversely, you can have more positive interactions by:

  • Showing genuine interest in your partner’s words by making eye contact, asking open-ended questions, and practicing reflective listening.
  • Expressing physical affection by embracing them when they come home from work, rubbing their back while you watch a movie, or holding their hand while on a neighborhood stroll.
  • Complimenting them and expressing gratitude and appreciation for the things they do to make your life easier.
  • Finding things to agree on during conflict rather than only focusing on your differences.
  • Offering a sincere apology when you’ve done something hurtful.
  • Finding ways to laugh together to ease the tension and lighten the mood during discussions and minor disagreements

4. Intimacy

Intimacy cultivates a sense of closeness. While a lot of people assume intimacy just means sex, Cook-McKay says physical intimacy is only one component.

Other equally important types of intimacy include:

  • Mental or intellectual intimacy: This involves learning new things together. For instance, you might suggest signing up for a cooking class or discussing topics you both find stimulating.
  • Emotional intimacy: This involves talking about your innermost thoughts, desires, and fears. You can encourage your partner to do the same by asking open-ended questions, like: “What makes you feel the most loved?” “What is something you want to try but feel too scared to do?” or “When you’re feeling stressed, what’s the best thing I can do for you?”
  • Experiential intimacy: This could include any kind of teamwork. To cultivate this type of intimacy, you might find a hobby to share or tackle home improvement projects together.

5. Respect

Mutual respect in a relationship can contribute to feelings of trust and emotional security and promote greater honesty and vulnerability. It can even promote greater relationship satisfaction and quality.

You can show your respect in everyday interactions by:

  • Honoring boundaries
  • Giving each other space as needed
  • Supporting each other’s goals and interests
  • Acknowledging each other as individuals with unique needs and desires

Contempt, the opposite of respect, can cause your bond to deteriorate. In short, not showing your partner respect can harm their self-esteem and leave them feeling frustrated, discontent, or even apathetic.

Physical intimacy does matter, too

Experts agree sex isn’t necessarily essential for all relationships. Many people can maintain fulfilling relationships by focusing on intimacy in other areas.

In a 2013 study, participants who completed an online questionnaire linked more frequent kissing with higher relationship quality — but interestingly, they did not report the same link when it came to frequency of sex.

A 2020 study of heterosexual married couples also found that partners who had more non-sexual physical contact tended to be happier in their relationships.

Ultimately, what matters most is that you and your partner both feel fulfilled. If you have mismatched needs and desires for sex, Cook-McKay recommends starting by focusing on building intimacy in other areas.

“People mostly forget that sex is all about feeling connected,” she says. “If one of you doesn’t feel that way, that can affect your sex drive.”

What to do if you’re unhappy with sex in your relationship

Estes also recommends working with a marriage counselor or sex therapist to dig into any underlying challenges or issues compromising your sex life.

A sex therapist can also offer guidance on communicating your sexual needs to your partner.

Estes says it’s crucial to let your partner know if you feel unfulfilled in your sex life. This can be a sensitive topic, so here’s what she recommends:

  • Choose a non-stressful time. In other words, bring it up on a laid-back Sunday afternoon at home, not right before they head out for an appointment or after they come home from a hectic day at work.
  • Start with reassuring language. Instead of making accusations that might put them on the defensive, Estes advises opening up the conversation with something positive like, “There are lots of areas of our relationship I’m really happy with right now, like [X, Y, and Z]. But sexual intimacy is one area I’d really like to work on with you.”
  • Come from a place of curiosity. Rather than making statements like, “We don’t have enough sex,” try observations and questions, like, “I’ve noticed we haven’t been having sex as much as we used to and I’m curious: Why do you think that is?”

Insider’s takeaway

Although sex can be a powerful way to bond and stay connected, it’s not absolutely essential for a relationship to thrive.

For one, you have many other ways to foster physical intimacy in your relationship besides sex. But you might even find that prioritizing other elements of your relationship, — like respect, emotional security, quality time, positive communication, and overall intimacy — can go a long way toward strengthening your bond.

That said, if you and your partner have very different sexual needs and you consistently feel unfulfilled, experts agree you should feel free to share that with your partner in a calm and honest, but non-judgmental, way.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Start a Casual Sex Relationship

There is nothing shameful about casual sex—if you’re being open and honest.

By Brianne Hogan

A new study suggests that dating-app users are are more likely to casually date and have casual sex. Surprise! While we probably didn’t need a study to state the obvious, casual sex still gets a bad rap, especially if that’s what you’re exclusively seeking. Our sexual wants and needs ebb and flow with life, and sometimes sex is a pleasurable activity you want to do with no strings attached. But how do you have casual sex while remaining respectful and safe for all parties involved? First, it might be a good idea to actually define what casual sex means to you.

“Casual sex can be used as an umbrella term to define sexual activity between people who may not have as much familiarity, attachment, or commitment with their sexual partner(s),” says Dr. Kristen Mark, sexual health educator and Everlywell advisor. “This can include anything from one-night stands to friends with benefits but typically is outside of the context of a romantic relationship or attachment.”

Since the parameters of casual sex can be a little delicate, here’s what to keep in mind before you swipe right on the next hookup.

Casual sex is not inherently shameful

Once you understand what casual sex means to you, it’s equally important to accept that’s what you’re seeking right now in your life and not shame yourself (or others) for pursuing it.

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“Pursuing casual sex is always OK to do if it is genuinely what you want,” Mark says. “There are a lot of important needs that can be met through sex—things like sexual pleasure, stress release, satisfaction, connection—and that doesn’t have to happen in the context of a romantic relationship or attachment.”

But Mark cautions it’s equally important to check in with yourself to ensure you’re getting your needs met and aren’t doing it for the sake of someone else at the expense of yourself. “If you find yourself in casual sexual relationships but you’re looking for something more serious, be true to yourself on that, or casual sex can become something that might not be meeting your needs.”

Open communication and safety are the biggest priorities

Relationships of any kind, including and maybe especially unattached relationships like this, thrive on communication. If you’re vibing with a match and you know you’re only interested in something casual, make it known as soon as possible. “Communicate this directly and simply,” Mark says. “You can just say, ‘I’m just looking for casual sex here, and wanted to be upfront about that so that we are on the same page.’ That’s about it—keep it simple and direct and honest.” On the flip side, if you’re not seeking casual sex, communicate that simply and directly, too.

While reported cases of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) in the U.S. decreased during the early months of COVID, most of them, including gonorrhea and syphilis, resurged by the end of 2020. That’s why, if you’re regularly engaging in non-barrier-protected sex with partners whose STI status you’re unsure of, Mark recommends getting tested with each new partner (especially when partners are having sex with multiple other people) or whenever fluid bonding (where you don’t have a barrier method in place such as a condom) is taking place.

“Make sure that if you’re engaged in fluid bonding that you talk about STIs, and if there are body parts involved that could result in sperm meeting an egg, that you talk about unintended pregnancy prevention,” Mark says. “Be transparent about your intentions, your needs, and your safety. This is crucial and by communicating this with a partner, you show them that you care about their health, too.”

The same goes if you discover you have an STD/STI after sex with your new partner.

“STIs are quite common,” Mark says. “Around 1 in 4 people will be diagnosed with an STI in their lifetime. So, in knowing that, try to just approach it directly and perhaps even frame it that way. Having sex without barrier protection has inherent risk, and everyone can weigh that risk with the benefit for themselves. Part of that risk is the potential for STIs, so just be direct about the fact that this is something you’ll have to deal with.”

She advises to get in touch with your most recent sexual partners and let them know they need to get tested. “Avoid blaming or shaming. Simply state the facts and let them know that you want to look out for their health and the health of their partners, so they need to get tested and treated.”

Whether it’s a one-night stand or a friends-with-benefits situation, Mark says her biggest piece of advice is to always remain honest and clear with your sexual partner and check in frequently.

“No matter what type of sex you’re having, doing a pulse check to ensure you’re on the same page with a partner is always a good idea,” she says. “Simply check in by saying something like, ‘That was great, how are you doing? Are we doing OK here?’ Be transparent and direct about what you’re looking for. Don’t give people the wrong impression about what you want just for the sake of hooking up. Be an empathetic and open communicator.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to be a Good Girlfriend in 30 Ways

Learn how to be a better girlfriend by wowing him with your amazingness, impressing him with your charm, and genuinely caring.

By Julie Keating

Learning how to be a better girlfriend isn’t as hard as you might think. Making your boyfriend happy makes you happy. So, if you look at it that way, being a better girlfriend pretty much means you’re being a better you.

We all have moments of weakness where we lash out, nag, or say something we don’t mean. No one is perfect. I’m sure your boyfriend isn’t either.

But, as long as you truly care and try to make him happy while maintaining a healthy relationship, you’ve got this. You can learn how to be a better girlfriend in no time.

Learning how to be a better girlfriend is not all about pleasing your man. It isn’t about doing what he wants or following his commands. In fact, your boyfriend should NEVER be commanding you.

Being a better girlfriend is about bettering the relationship as a whole. It is about working as a team. Learning how to be a better girlfriend takes patience and practice. But, with that, you can be the best girlfriend you can be.

Believe it or not, improving yourself in the relationship will also enhance your connections at work and with friends and family. Part of being a better girlfriend is being a better person, and we could all do with a little of that.

How to be a better girlfriend

Learning how to be a better girlfriend isn’t complicated. The fact that you’re reading this right now shows you care. You are already putting the effort in. Good for you.

Now you just need to put the work in. And the work isn’t hard. Knowing how much you can get out of it will motivate you to always try to be a better girlfriend. And hopefully, that will inspire him to be a better boyfriend as well.

1. Listen

As women, we love to offer advice. Look at me. I’m doing it right now. But, not every situation calls for your opinion. Learn how to listen without offering your opinion or advice. Sure, sometimes it is needed. But if you aren’t sure, ask. Ask him if he wants your take on the situation. If not, just let him vent. He will appreciate the silent support.

2. Don’t be so critical

Men are more sensitive than they let on. Your little joke about his nose hairs or how he wears his hair might seem harmless, but it probably cuts a lot deeper than you think. Just as you are self-conscious, he is too. Unless it is something he can fix in 2 minutes or less, like food in his teeth or a booger in his nose, it isn’t worth commenting on.

3. Take a breath

Women are very emotionally turbulent. It is no secret to anyone that has interacted with us. It isn’t our fault. But, trying not to explode our emotions all over our partner can make the relationship sail a lot smoother.

This isn’t the ’50s. You can have and show your feelings and you should. you don’t need to be meek and mild-mannered. Just try to pause and take a breath before reacting. A big blowout can lead to fighting and regrets. Try to digest new information fully and take a time-out before blurting out the first thing that comes to your mind.

Don’t misinterpret what I’m saying. You do not need to be agreeable and calm all the time. Just slow down and breathe before reacting. This can help turn an overreaction into a reaction.

4. Put down the phone

What did we do before cell phones and texting? We were probably all better girlfriends back then.

It is easy to sit next to your boo and just scroll through Instagram and only half-listen to what he’s saying. When you are together, try to make that time quality time by putting your phone away. It may even be helpful to plan out phone-free dates, so you both share your undivided attention.

5. Make fighting rules

When you’re mad things can get heated. Instead of flipping out or taking off, make some ground rules when you’re both calm. Talk about what you’ll do in the middle of a fight if things are getting out of hand. Do you need to go to separate rooms to cool off? Do you need to cuddle quietly before talking again?

Introduce these ideas when you are getting along. This way, when a fight does arise, you won’t take it too far and say something you regret.

6. Try never to call names

If you want to know how to be a better girlfriend, avoid name-calling. You aren’t in grammar school, don’t ever call him names or point out his biggest insecurities. Hitting below the belt is not cool. No matter how upset you are at him or a situation, it is never helpful.

You are only creating resentment and lowering his self-esteem, which will come back to bite you both.

7. Make respect #1

Respecting your partner should be of the utmost importance. That should be a priority. Whether you’re fighting or not, disrespecting each other is the first step into the end. Instead of being rude or disregarding their feelings, listen. You care about this person, so make that known.

8. Find balance

It is okay to worry about why he is withdrawn and upset, but if he doesn’t want to talk about it, you need not pry it out of him. Let him cool down. Sometimes he needs to go to the gym or play video games to calm down. He may not need to talk it out like you and that is okay. Everyone deals with their stuff differently.

Simply let him know you are there if he wants to talk, but don’t push. Forcing him to talk will only push him away. Yes, he should open up to you, but he doesn’t need to share every emotion at every given moment. Being a better girlfriend is about letting him be.

9. Accept when he needs space

If he has a ritual of coming home and sitting on the front stoop, respect it. It is hard not to take it personally when a guy wants space, but it is his time to work through the day, recoup, and regenerate. You may make this time when you’re in the shower or bath. His time may look different, but let it be.

If you allow him to unwind, he’ll be all wound up to spend time with you, and it will strengthen your relationship.

10. Trust him

To be the best girlfriend, never snoop. Never invade his privacy. A solid relationship is built on trust. As I said, learning how to be a better girlfriend is about working on yourself. Usually, when you don’t trust your boyfriend, it isn’t because of something he’s doing, but it comes from within.

Work on your own trust issues so he doesn’t become the focus of them.

11. Give him guy time

Every guy needs “his” time, just as you need yours. You go out with your friends or talk to your mom on the phone. Maybe he just wants to sit in silence or take a nap. You should both have freedom. A relationship shouldn’t be a prison.

Your relationship is a part of your life, not the entire thing. Treat it as such.

12. Be clear

Guys hear some things differently from the way girls speak. You may think you’re making sense to him, but there’s a chance he is totally misunderstanding. Now, you shouldn’t have to bend over backward, so he understands you, but be sure he is clear on what you mean.

Ask if he needs you to reword something. Have him repeat what you said to be sure he understands. You can’t just assume he knows what you mean. Trust me. This isn’t just you being a better girlfriend. It benefits you too.

13. Be attentive

A good girlfriend is attentive to his needs. You don’t need to be a mind reader but try to be aware. Know that Thursdays are rough word days, so make his favorite dinner. You know that his mom calls him for a long chat on Sundays, so offer to talk to her so he can have a break. Just try to pay attention, and this will come easily.

14. Don’t nag

He was a teenager once, and his mother nagged him to clean his room. The last thing he needs is for you to replace her. When you want him to do something, ask. You can remind him, but if he doesn’t want to do it, he won’t. Let him know calmly that you feel ignored when he doesn’t do what he says he will.

There is no use in repeatedly nagging. It will just make you angry, and him annoyed. If he isn’t listening or following through, that is a deeper issue to deal with.

15. Have quiet time

If my boyfriend is reading this, he will probably text me to listen to my own advice. As women, we are talkers. I talk more in an hour than my boyfriend does in a week. I just always want to fill the silence.

But, sometimes, it is nice to sit in silence. It may seem awkward, but give it a shot. Enjoying silence together is really bonding. You can cuddle or read or just sit in the same room. No one needs to talk, and you don’t need music or TV. Try to enjoy quiet time together. He may never ask for this in fear of offending you, but he will appreciate it.

16. Be happy

A man’s biggest accomplishment is making his girlfriend happy, or at least, it should be. You may not realize your happiness has a huge effect on him. “Happy wife, happy life” is for real.

I’m not saying you should be overly positive. This only leads to toxic positivity. Everything isn’t perfect all the time. You’ll have bad days. But, do try to see the silver lining. Try to see the best of bad situations when it calls for that. If you’re stuck in traffic have a karaoke session. If you lose internet play board game.

When you can put a positive spin on minor inconveniences, you will add even more happiness to his life and your own.

17. Appreciate him

Learning how to be a better girlfriend is about appreciating all he does as a good boyfriend. Yes, you should expect loyalty and respect. But when he surprises you with your favorite dessert or buys you something small cause he was thinking of you, make sure he knows how grateful you are.

18. Don’t expect perfection

Just as you aren’t perfect, neither is he. We may have all dreamed of our prince charming, but that isn’t real. The perfect boyfriend isn’t perfect. He is the imperfect boy that you see perfectly.

We all make mistakes. He may tape over your favorite TV show. He may leave the seat up. And he might suck at separating the laundry, but pick your battles. Doesn’t the good outweigh the bad?

19. Don’t treat him like your girlfriend

He is your boyfriend. He probably has no interest in the awesome deal you got on those shoes or how Jenny said something to you about Nancy. Save the girl talk for the girls. He shouldn’t;t be everything to you anyway. Having friends to talk to about other stuff is so important.

It keeps your life balanced and prevents you from being codependent. Don’t you prefer to be left out of the boy talk?

20. Be supportive

Everyone has a right to have dreams. If he has one, be supportive. Even if you don’t know if it will work out, as long as it does no harm, make sure to find out who he is and what he wants to be. There is always time to be an adult, believe in him enough to know that he will find his way, and when he does, you will be there to share in the celebration.

21. Make nice with his family

Don’t get mixed in with his family drama, and don’t fight with his family members. Of course, if someone in his family bullies you, definitely go to him, but don’t start anything. Being the best girlfriend means trying to fit in with his family, not make things harder.

You shouldn’t have to force it, but trying to keep the peace is enough.

22. Just give him a hug

Sometimes he just needs a hug. Don’t hang on him, but just give him a hug. Rub his shoulders. Sometimes some simple physical touch can make all the difference.

23. Text him

Text him sweet things throughout the day. Don’t bombard him, but let him know you’re thinking of him. At the store? Snap a pick of a new snack you think he’d like. you can even be flirty and send him a photo of your outfit saying, “I love my outfit today, but I can’t wait for you to come home and take it off.”

He wants to know that you’re still into him. Little texts like this reignite the spark.

24. Spice things up in the bedroom

Be willing to try new things and attend to his sexual fantasies when you can. Being open and vulnerable is the best way to build a trusting and lasting relationship. Talk about what you like and what he likes. Set boundaries and enjoy. It is also an excellent way to find out for yourself what feels good.

25. Be a good girlfriend to yourself

This may sound confusing but bear with me. Be good and kind to yourself. You need to have confidence and know you deserve the best to offer the best to him. In order to be a better girlfriend to him, you need to treat yourself just as well.

26. Figure out his triggers

Take note of those things about you that drive him crazy (in a bad way) and try to avoid them. You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells around him, but try to make things easier. If he knows how angry you get when he leaves the gas tank on empty, you’d hope he would try to stop that. Do the same for him.

If he hates when you leave water on the counter after washing your face, try to be considerate of that.

27. Ignore the small stuff

Let things go, and don’t hold grudges. We all get annoyed, but having a fight about something small isn’t worth it. It would be best if you didn’t hold it in, but don’t let little things become big things.

28. Don’t use him as your punching bag

If you have a bad day, leave it behind you. You should be able to vent to him, but keep your conversation on the subject. Don’t let your bad day be taken out on him.

Let him know you had a bad day and talk about it. Don’t just have a short temper. Yes, he is your boyfriend, but that doesn’t mean he should have to put up with misdirected anger. [Read: How to calm down when you’re angry]

29. Try his hobbies

It is good for you to have your own hobbies, but try to get involved in some of the things he enjoys. If he is a huge Star Wars fan, have a marathon with him. You don’t need to become obsessed, but letting him know you are happy that he has these things in his life shows how much you care.

30. Talk

Let him know you want to be a better girlfriend. Ask him if there is anything you can do. Does he prefer a cuddle after a long day or space? Ask him if he likes it when you buy him gifts or if he would prefer you just spend some time together. This is the best way to be a better girlfriend.

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34 Ways To Be A Better Boyfriend

By Kelly Gonsalves

What makes a great boyfriend? It’s a good question, with many possible answers.

At core, a good boyfriend is someone who tends to his partner’s well-being with the same reliability and dedication he gives to himself. He is thoughtfully attuned to his partner’s needs and feelings, and he is sensitive to the ways his actions impact them.

With that broad definition in mind, here are a few big and small ways to be a better boyfriend to your person every day. (The truth, of course, is that all of these apply to partners of all genders; they’re all great habits to adopt for anyone who’s in a relationship and wants to make their significant other feel loved.)

1. Make sure they know how you feel.

Your partner shouldn’t have to wonder about how you feel about them and whether you’re still interested. Day in and day out, make it abundantly clear how into them you are and how much you care. Say it directly to them and remind them, often. For most people, words of affirmation never get old.

2. Define the relationship clearly.

Ambiguity makes for a lot of misunderstandings. A relationship that isn’t clearly defined is a breeding ground for insecurities, unmet expectations, and hurt feelings. If you see yourself as this person’s boyfriend, tell them that upfront and let them know how you’re viewing your relationship. Stop trying to play it cool—be willing to be vulnerable and make your intentions known.

3. Text back promptly.

Texting speed might not seem like a big deal to some, but many people glean a lot about how important they are to someone based on how quickly that person texts them back. You don’t need to be glued to your phone or feel guilty about missing a text for a few hours, but don’t leave your partner waiting around to hear from you for an extended period of time. Treat them like a priority and text them back promptly, consistently, so they know you care.

4. Be engaged when you’re together.

A good boyfriend is engaged and present when you’re together. Put your phone away and give your partner your undivided attention. Make them feel like you are fully in the moment with them and happy to be there. Pay attention to your body language, make eye contact, and notice if you find yourself checking out or disengaging. Pull yourself back in, or communicate with your partner if there’s a reason why you’re struggling to be present with them right now.

5. Ask about their day.

Strive to know them as well as their mom or best friend does. Seriously, what is going on in your partner’s world these days? How’s work? What’s occupying their mind lately? How are they dealing with life’s stresses? What problems can you help them solve? Be their confidant. These types of daily conversations are what build true connection, intimacy, and trust over time.

6. Actually listen when they talk.

This one probably seems obvious, but it needs to be said: Listen to them when they’re talking to you. If your girlfriend comes home and starts venting about the drama going on with the mean girl at the gym, don’t tune her out. What matters to your partner should matter to you. As well, during any discussion with your partner and especially during conflicts, try to really comprehend what your partner is trying to communicate to you. Some people have habit of trying to prepare their response in their head while the other person talks, rather than actually listening. Turn off your brain when your partner is talking and just focus on trying to actually understand their point or their feelings. 

7. Stop trying to win arguments.

Spoiler alert: If your goal is to “win” an argument, you’ve already lost sight of the bigger picture. Your goal in every single conflict should be for both people to walk away feeling understood, cared about, and armed with a plan to minimize any hurt feelings going forward. Stop trying to defend yourself from getting blamed, stop trying to prove why you’re right, and start trying to create true understanding between yourselves.

8. Learn to empathize even when you disagree.

Couples don’t need to agree about everything. If your girlfriend comes to you with a complaint that makes absolutely no sense to you, you should not proceed to try to prove to her why her complaint makes no sense. You are different people; you don’t need to see things the same way. Instead, make it your goal to get in her shoes and understand why she sees things the way that she does. Even if you would not feel the same way if the roles were reversed, familiarize yourself with her train of thought and why it’s producing the feelings it’s producing. Once you can understand the root cause of someone’s emotions, you can then figure out how to make changes to your behavior to avoid hurting them going forward—as their boyfriend, that is the ultimate goal.

9. Be affectionate in your day-to-day life.

Kiss them on the forehead. Swoop in and hug them from behind while they’re cooking. Send them a text that lets them know you’re thinking about them even when you’re not together. Be romantic, so they feel loved and desired.

10. Be affectionate even when you’re around others.

Most people behave a little differently depending on who they’re with, and in particular, people can sometimes behave differently when they’re in public or with a group of friends than they do when they’re one-on-one with their partner. But if your boyfriend is highly affectionate with you at home but more distant when you’re with others, that discrepancy can feel a little like rejection—or like he’s trying to downplay the relationship to other people. So, be affectionate with your partner no matter who’s around, so they know your love isn’t limited to behind closed doors.

11. Introduce them to the important people in your life.

The people who matter most to you should know who you’re dating, and vice versa. Your partner will appreciate being shown off to your friends and family, in addition to being able to get to know the people who make you who you are.

12. Take initiative.

Don’t make them make all the plans all the time! Take some initiative and be the one to reach out first, plan some dates, and make the first move every now and then.

13. Do your part around the house.

Especially if you’re in a heterosexual relationship, make sure you’re contributing actively to the household if you live together or any time you’re spending time in either of your homes. Be actively involved in cooking the meals, cleaning up, and getting the chores done that need to get done. As well, make sure you’re both taking on some of the mental load of knowing what needs to get done and making sure all tasks get completed. There’s nothing more attractive than a man who pulls his own weight at home, and no one wants a boyfriend that they have to treat like a child.

14. Check your social media habits.

Some people take issue with their boyfriends hitting the “like” button on other hotties’ sexy photos on social media. The gist of the argument is that, while it’s fine to appreciate another attractive person privately in your own head, actually reaching out to send a heart or comment is initiating contact with that person—and also letting other onlookers see your interest in someone other than your partner. Some people will care more about this than others, but it’s worth taking it easy on the double-tapping (and DM-ing, obviously) at least until you have a conversation with your partner about their feelings about this. (Here are some other so-called “micro-cheating” behaviors to watch out for.)

15. Never, ever yell at your partner.

Do not raise your voice at your partner. There are other ways to communicate your anger, frustration, or needs, but yelling and shouting can be very frightening for the receiver and automatically puts you both into fight-or-flight mode. Not only does this make it harder for either of you to really hear each other, but it can easily teeter over the edge into verbal abuse.

16. Never, ever tear them down.

Mean-spirited jokes at their expense, caustic sarcasm, verbal attacks on their character, or cutting comments during an argument can all leave a lasting impact on a person’s sense of self. No matter how irritated you may be with them, a good boyfriend will never intentionally try to harm their partner—including emotionally. Strive to be loving and kind to your partner, even when you’re upset.

17. Prioritize their well-being—even when it’s hard.

In general, make your partner’s well-being a priority. Consider what’s best for them, what will make them happy, and what will minimize discomfort or harm for them in everything you do. Try to do this even when you’re having difficulties in the relationship—people can sometimes drop to their meanest state when they’re feeling hurt or scared, but the mark of a good partner is the ability to care about your person even when it’s hard, even when they’re at their lowest.

18. Take interest in the things they’re interested in.

Maybe your girlfriend is really into her skincare routine these days, or maybe you’re dating a guy who always wants to give you the play-by-play of last night’s basketball game. Even if you’re not personally interested in the same things they are, take interest in the things that light them up. You don’t need to be personally invested in the topic, but being able to participate in these conversations allows you to get to know your partner that much better and gives them the gift of having someone to share this stuff with. Nothing’s worse than feeling like your boyfriend thinks your favorite hobbies are vapid and uncool.

19. Support their independence.

Give them space to live their life! Support them in taking time to themselves to spend with their own friends, pursue their own personal hobbies and interests, and just have some alone time regularly. Couples shouldn’t be overly dependent on one another (hello, codependency), and your partner should have a full, thriving, sustainable life outside of you.

20. Have your own life.

Likewise, it’s healthy for you to not be overly dependent on your partner for your well-being, fun, and sense of self. Nurture the other connections in your life and your personal hobbies and interests. When you’re able to spend time apart regularly, you’ll have more to bring back to each other to share when you’re together. That’s what adds richness and intrigue to a long-term relationship.

21. Prioritize their pleasure.

Make sure sex isn’t all about you. Fun fact: Just 18% of women can orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. So if you’re dating a woman with a vagina, maybe don’t make every single one of your sexual encounters revolve around P-in-V intercourse. Ample clitoral stimulation is usually key to making sex good for her. Whoever you’re dating, figure out what turns them on personally and do more of that.

22. Respect their boundaries.

Also, if they’re not in the mood for sex, don’t push it. A good boyfriend honors and celebrates their partner’s no, so their partner knows there’s nothing to feel guilty about.

23. Support their confidence.

Gas up your partner. Make sure they know you think the world of them—physically, emotionally, intellectually, and in general. Make them feel like the sexiest person alive, and never make derogatory comments about the way they look. In general, uplift them and support them in building their confidence.

24. Learn their attachment style.

There are four attachment styles, which describe four distinct ways people may approach forming romantic bonds with others based on the relationships they had with their earliest caregivers. Some people have an avoidant attachment style, meaning they tend to avoid forming deep attachments with others; others have an anxious attachment style, meaning they tend need a lot of reassurances in relationships; and still others have a combination of these. Learning your partner’s attachment style (and your own) will help you both understand the patterns and insecurities you might be more likely to have in relationships, so you can take steps to avoid future pitfalls.

25. Open up about the things that are really on your mind.

Let your partner in. Talk to them about the things that are stressing you out, the things that excite you, the things you’re aspiring toward, and what scares you. Let them know when you’re feeling vulnerable in the relationship or concerned about something. The more you open up to your partner, the more you build the intimacy between you—and the more you’ll find your partner is able to understand the real you.

26. Get to know their inner world.

Likewise, get to know their innermost thoughts, feelings, dreams, fears, insecurities, and longings. Here’s a list of thought-provoking questions to ask your girlfriend, plus some conversation starters for couples, to help get the conversations flowing.

27. Do something sweet for them every now and then.

Show up to their workplace with a takeout lunch from their favorite restaurant, or surprise them with a home-cooked meal with they get home one night. Find ways to periodically show you care about them with big and small gestures, so they never question how you feel and always feel tended to by their boyfriend.

28. Learn their love language.

There are five love languages: words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, acts of service, and gifts. Each of us have one primary love language that is the main way that we like to receive affection. For example, some people feel most loved when their partner physically holds them close (the physical touch love language), while others find the actual words “I love you” to be most meaningful to them (words of affirmation). Figure out what your partner’s love language is, and prioritize using that specific type of gesture regularly in your relationship.

29. Help them problem-solve.

When your partner is dealing with a big challenge or dilemma in their life, be available to them as a sounding board or to help them talk through it. They may just need a listening ear, or they might want your help coming up with ideas and deciding what to do in the situation. Figure out how to best show up for your partner when they need you, and do it. People notice when someone is consistently there by their side through those toughest moments.

30. Be honest about what you need in the relationship.

We can all struggle from time to time to name our needs, especially when it comes to relationships. Sometimes there’s a people-pleasing, conflict-avoidant instinct that makes us keep our true feelings to ourselves. In other cases, you may be so used to doing things on your own that it’s difficult to reach out for and accept support from others. But part of being a good boyfriend and a good partner in general is being able to lean on, confide in, and be vulnerable with the person you love. When we hold our cards too close to our chest, we lose out on building true intimacy and trust in our relationship. Open up about what you want more and less of in the relationship, and allow your partner to show up for you just like you show up for them.

31. Don’t make assumptions.

Sometimes we can be with a person for so long or just feel like we know them so well that we assume we can just read their minds. Or, on the flip side, we may be so convinced of our own way of thinking about an issue that we assume that it’s the same way everybody thinks about that issue. Of course, neither of these things are true. People are different. Your partner is not a carbon copy of you. Don’t assume you know exactly what they’re thinking or how they view things. Ask questions, stay open-minded, and be continuously curious about your partner’s perspective.

32. Be consistent.

It can be really confusing to feel like you never know how your boyfriend is going to treat you from one day to the next. While we’re all human beings who will have our ups and downs, your partner should generally know what to expect from you from day to day. Work on internal consistency: Make sure your actions align with your words, follow through on your promises, and don’t say things you don’t mean. Don’t leave your partner confused and wondering what’s going on with you; if something changes in terms of how you feel or what you have capacity to do for them right now, communicate that clearly and kindly.

33. Learn how to apologize well.

Delete the words “I’m sorry if I upset you” or “I’m sorry you feel that way” from your vocabulary. Learn how to actually make amends with someone you’ve hurt. Focus on validating their feelings and taking responsibility for how your actions contributed to them.

34. Be willing to grow and work on your own shit.

A great way to be a better boyfriend every single day is to focus simply on becoming a better person every single day. You’re going to mess up, you’re going to sometimes do things that are thoughtless and hurtful, and you and your partner are going to uncover things about yourself that aren’t conducive to healthy relationship. And you’re going to need to work on this stuff. This will be true for every single human being in every single relationship, without exception. Be humble and adaptable. Be willing to make changes and do the personal work you need to do to show up as the best person you can be in this relationship.

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5 Different Types of Intimacy

— And How To Build a Deeper Connection With Your Partner

 

By Mary Grace Garis & Rebecca Norris

Intimacy is complex and nuanced. “Intimacy comes about through expression of and acceptance of one’s innermost qualities to create an authentic, healthy bond between two people in a relationship,” says Madeline Lucas, LCSW, Therapist and Clinical Content Manager at Real. And, newsflash: It’s not all about sex. To prove it, we chatted with Lucas and a few other experts in the field to uncover the true definition of intimacy, as well as the different types of intimacy that exist.

What is intimacy?

For many, the concept of intimacy conflates with the act of being intimate (or, ahem, having sex). And that, folks, isn’t quite right. In reality, sex is just one of many acts of intimacy. What’s more, physical intimacy is only one form of the word’s many meanings, which, according to Merriam-Webster, is “something of a personal or private nature.” In fact, there are at least five types of intimacy, all of which provide a means for being close to another person, in any number of ways. And truly connecting with someone calls upon a combination of the five types of intimacy.

According to an Instagram graphic that therapist Alyssa Mancao, LCSW, posted, fostering a sense of closeness in any relationship (romantic or otherwise) requires a combination of four main types of intimacy: emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical; Lucas adds that experiential intimacy plays a role, too. But since you obviously won’t have off-the-charts natural chemistry with every person in your sphere, understanding what each of the types of intimacy has in common is crucial for maximizing the power of each.

What is intimacy in a relationship and why is it important?

In fact, A+ intimacy boils down to connection and attention, says Helene Brenner, PhD, clinical psychologist and author of I Know I’m In There Somewhere. “Intimacy is a one-on-one connection that involves a synchrony between two people,” she says. “If you want to feel intimate, the first thing you and your partner need to do is stop all the other things you are doing and give each other your undivided, undistracted attention.”

The reason intimacy is so important in any relationship is that it allows each person to truly feel seen and heard, Lucas says. But, in order to reap the rewards of such intimacy, she emphasizes that letting your guard down is imperative.

“When we keep those guards up around trusted people, we’re robbed of the closeness, connection, and feeling of acceptance that can come from intimacy,” she explains. “We miss out on chances to feel heard, learn something new about our partner, and the potential of feeling re-energized by this connection.”

How does intimacy affect relationships?

Whether it’s a friendship or a romantic partnership, intimacy allows it to be real and fulfilling. Think about some of the more base-level acquaintances you have (or have had throughout your life). Generally, these superficial relationships lack intimacy—often by choice, but sometimes by fear. Typically, to really connect and build a relationship, therapist, speaker, and author Dr. Lauren Cook says that a shared sense of vulnerability, in which partners or friends are willing and wanting to be fully open with each other, is when a truly nourishing bond can form.

“Intimacy is so important in our relationships, especially during these times, when we operate with so much small talk, memes, and gifs,” she expands. “That can be all good and fun, but at the end of the day, we need something deeper. Intimacy is the bridge that allows us to build and sustain meaningful connections with others.”

The point is: Intimacy is life-changing for relationships, and although it can’t be forced or faked, there are ways to strengthen each of the five types of intimacy in any relationship. Learn how, below.

The 5 Types of Intimacy, Explained

1. Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy means cultivating a sense of closeness relating to how you and your partner feel via empathy, respect, and communication.

“It speaks to this feeling of closeness through the expression of personal, internal feelings or thoughts or beliefs, and again seeing those feelings received, accepted, understood, and heard by the other party,” Lucas says. “Emotional intimacy gives us the opportunity to notice the importance of truly actively listening to the other person and letting them know they are heard. That is where the magic of emotional intimacy takes place.”

So, if you’ve ever wondered how to be intimate without touching or how to be intimate without sex, now you know.

2. Mental Intimacy

Consider mental intimacy as a meeting of the minds: It’s satisfying, challenging, and stimulating. “For some people, this is great wit and repartee—they love bouncing off each other, challenging each other,” Dr. Brenner says. “[Mental intimacy] can also be great talks about movies or a play you saw, or the career you both are in, or the causes that matter to you.”

A sub-category of mental intimacy is intellectual intimacy. “It involves creating a deeper understanding of someone’s mind including how it works and how they think,” Dr. Cook says, noting that mental intimacy examples can involve having conversations that spark curiosity and intellectually stimulate you whether about new topics, common interests, or meaningful conversations about life. “For some folks, this type of intimacy in a relationship is critical and keeps things alive,” she adds.

3. Spiritual Intimacy

This one can skew tricky because it’s rare for two people in a couple or friendship to be similarly in touch with their spirituality. But, spirituality can take different forms or expressions: Maybe it’s a code of values or ethics, for example.

4. Physical Intimacy

To be clear, physical intimacy is not not important, just because it’s the form most popularly associated with the term.

“Physical intimacy is essentially about relaxing into it, joining in the flow of it, getting into the moment, and sharing, giving, getting, and expressing what feels good. It’s all about connection, excitement, the giving and getting of pleasure, and closeness,” Dr. Brenner says. “Ask for what feels good. Go for what feels good.”

That said, physical intimacy doesn’t solely pertain to sex, as most friendships don’t revolve around (or even include) sex. If we forget that, Lucas says that we miss out on opportunities with other forms of physical intimacy. “Physical intimacy can entail things like hand-holding, cuddling, sitting closely next to each other, or any other skin-to-skin contact that feels good to you,” she says. “The goal of physical intimacy is again to create a feeling of closeness that feels beneficial to both parties.”

5. Experiential Intimacy

Each of the four main types of intimacy include experiential intimacy. Experiential intimacy is all about shared experiences, Lucas says. “Whether it is trying something new together or creating a routine, experiencing life together can spark intimacy at all stages of your relationship,” she explains.

Things That May Inhibit Intimacy in a Relationship

Many folks have a fear of intimacy that can get in the way of building a relationship that has a healthy heaping of any of the five forms of it, let alone all of them. Some telltale signs include not tolerating close emotional interactions, not willingly sharing feelings, and having a strong preference to be alone when things begin feeling personal.

Of course, it’s not just a fear of intimacy, but a fear within the relationship in general, Lucas says. “One major factor that inhibits intimacy is fear—whether that is fear of rejection, fear the other person will leave, or a fear of loss of independence,” she explains.

Dr. Cook tacks onto this, noting that safety is needed first and foremost for intimacy to bloom. “If either partner fears that they’ll be made fun of, judged, or at worst, unsafe, intimacy is going to be withheld (as it should be),” she says. “Intimacy is a gift that each partner bestows and if a relationship is lacking respect, compassion, and patience, intimacy is often inhibited in the process.”

In order to get over your fear and begin building it in your relationship, introspecting about why you feel afraid to be intimate—in any or all forms of the word—can help you course-correct. Seeking a therapist who can help you work through any issues, can also be an effective avenue for building intimacy in your relationship. And while it may well not be easy work, it’s certainly worthwhile, considering authentic intimacy can allow for true closeness, mind, body, and soul.

How To Build Intimacy in a Relationship

The first step is to slow down and make time for what matters: your relationships (both romantic and platonic). In order to build intimacy, you must be present for the people in your life. Beyond that, you can hone in on each of the different types of intimacy, as suggested below.

Emotional Intimacy

To bolster emotional intimacy, Dr. Brenner says to break it down into three parts: slow down, keep it simple, and share what’s hard to say. Thoughtfully process your feelings before you speak, and when you do speak, contextualize your emotions so you can communicate them as direct and potent statements.

Think: “I got hurt.” “I got scared.” “I love you.” “I miss you.” “I’m scared to tell you how much you matter to me.” Don’t rely on qualifiers to pad out your earnest feelings; instead, get right to the root of your unfiltered honesty. And above all, allow yourself to be vulnerable.

“Take the risk not to protect yourself,” Dr. Brenner says. “You can’t simultaneously protect yourself and be emotionally intimate. Let your heart be seen.”

Lucas agrees and suggests sitting down with your person, uninterrupted and undistracted, to ask questions to help develop emotional intimacy. “Practice active listening, really reflecting back and acknowledging what you are hearing,” she says.

Mental Intimacy

To boost mental intimacy, Dr. Brenner says to have a topic to return to with your partner that fuels you both. Maybe it’s a business venture you want to start together or an athletic passion you share, like tennis or rock-climbing, that you can discuss. “Make sure you spend significant amounts of time engaging together in what stimulates you mentally,” she continues. “And a little playful competition doesn’t hurt, so try playing board games against each other, as long as you’re fairly evenly matched.

Spiritual Intimacy

“If your partner is not spiritually inclined, find spiritual intimacy by expressing to your partner what your spirituality means to you, how it makes you a better person, or gives more meaning to your life,” Dr. Brenner says.

You can also boost spiritual intimacy with your partner by connecting in a quiet, poignant moment. “If you are having a moment that feels ‘spiritual’ to you with your partner, share your joy in the spiritual meaning you get from that moment,” she says. “Then look for the ways that your partner expresses deep spirituality through the actions they do and the values they live by.”

And keep in mind, spiritual intimacy doesn’t necessarily have to relate to religion. As Lucas reminds us, it can boil down to shared values like kindness or integrity, bonding through shared beliefs about religion, meditation, nature, the universe—anything that makes you feel grounded spiritually.

Physical Intimacy

There are multiple ways to build physical intimacy. “For some, building physical intimacy means focusing on sex (exploring, communicating, trying different things) and this creates that level of closeness both parties need,” Lucas says. “For others (or even depending on the day!) physical intimacy may be deciding to sit close to each other on the same side of the couch to watch Netflix, or holding hands on the walk to the store, or hugging in the morning in bed.”

Experiential Intimacy

All of the four main types of intimacy lend to the overall sense of experiential intimacy. That said, another way to encourage experiential intimacy is by actively planning moments together, whether it’s a weekly date night, a weekend concert, or a special trip. By simply planning to do something together, you’ll be able to create that added layer of connection.

And remember…

If at first, you feel silly for trying to be more intimate, give yourself grace—it’s not going to be as flawless as the movies make it seem—at least not at first. “Know that nothing is wrong with you if you and your partner fumble your way through it sometimes,” Dr. Cook reassures us. “We have a filtered view of what intimacy, romance, and connection looks like and it’s often not that smooth. Sometimes you do have to schedule sex and sometimes you won’t feel like being vulnerable when your partner wants to go deeper.”

With that in mind, she says to challenge yourself to take some time to let it settle in. “If you’re still wanting to pull back after that, reassess and share where you’re at,” she says. “Just know that it takes your brain and body time to shift into being intimate—it’s not like a light switch and you shouldn’t expect it to be.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why Knowing Your Sexual Values is Essential for Good Sex

By Gigi Engle

We put so much emphasis on our “values.” Whether in life, work, or love, nearly all of us have been encouraged to explore what is important to us. This same enthusiasm is not extended to sexuality. Why? Because we’re not a society that thinks sex is all that important. Other things are always given priority, like work, kids, school, paying the bills, and exercise. These things are always seen as more important than our sex lives.

Needless to say, it really shouldn’t be this way. Just like having values in life, we need to have core values when it comes to sex. Sexual values are linked to our personal feelings about what is acceptable and desirable behavior. Understanding what these values are is crucial to developing stable relationships.

If this is all sounding like a lot of philosophy without a ton of practicality, hang in there. This stuff takes patience and practice – and a whole lot of self-reflection.

What are sexual values?

At this point, you may be wondering how your “values” can be extended into sex. And that’s why we’re here: To give you that sweet tea. It’s quite simple when you break it down.

In a nutshell: sexual values are linked to our personal feelings about what is acceptable and desirable behavior. Lucy Rowett, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist, explains to TheBody that sexual values are a special subset of values that specifically pertain to sexual behaviors, turn-ons/offs, and pleasure.

We humans are not a one-size-fits-all kind of crowd. We all want and need different things from sex. “Sexual values support individuals in developing a roadmap for making sexual decisions based on what truly matters to them,” Dr. Nazanin Moali, a sex therapist and the host of the Sexology podcast, tells TheBody.

Essentially, what determines your sexual values is how you feel about sex and what makes sex the best it can be for you. As with all our values, we need to think about our sexual values, codify them, and apply them to our lives to obtain and sustain the most desirable sex lives (and sexual partners) possible. Sex is just as important as all other aspects of life and it deserves attention.

How sexual values develop

While on the journey to understand what your sexual values are, you may want to consider how your feelings about sex itself have developed and grown throughout your life. There is a whole boatload of external and internal factors that lead us to develop certain attitudes about sex, Moali tells us.

Let’s break down external factors and internal factors. External factors are those that come from outside of us. These include messages we received in childhood about sex, what our partners believe about sex and pleasure, and, maybe most critically, the type of sex education we received. As for internal factors, these are what’s going on in that cute little mind and body of yours. These include your general temperament, your willingness to explore novelty, and your libido.

This can get messy when we have received negative or critical messages about sex and our value as sexual beings. If we come from a background of sex-negativity (which, to be honest, basically everyone does), determining what actually makes “good sex” can be terribly confusing and even distressing.

Start by thinking about some of your “bad” or unsatisfactory sexual experiences – excluding situations where assault occurred. The negative feelings that occurred during or post sex can help indicate conflicts within a sexual value system. “Our emotions are our internal navigation system and sometimes when we experience a negative emotion it may be [a] result of engaging in a sexual behavior that conflicts with our value system,” Moali says.

It’s important to take time to figure out those feelings, why they happened, and how to avoid them in the future is a pivotal part of unpicking where your values are based.

Why it’s important to have strong sexual values

Understanding our sexual values can help us have better, more fulfilling sex lives – and better, more stable relationships with our partners (casual, serious, or otherwise). Many of us have sexual desires that go against the sex-negative messages we grew up with, and when we don’t know what our sexual values are because of these conflicts, it makes making sexual decisions difficult.

When it comes to partners, feeling confident with our sexual values will help identify red flags in ill-suited partners, while encouraging the development of authentic connections with partners who are better matches for us.

These values are important because they allow us to have sexual connections and relationships that help us feel satisfied and sexually fulfilled, and can create strong, healthy sexual and romantic relationships. Sharing sexual values “makes a relationship stronger when both individuals have defined values that they have shared with each other,” Moali says. “It provides a shared language and framework for couples to communicate clearly on what is important for them in a relationship.”

All in all, Moali says that “cultivating a sex life based on our values promotes well-being inside and outside the bedroom.” It’s good for us in all aspects of life and therefore deserves some serious attention.

Questions to ask yourself when discovering your sexual values

Most people don’t have an answer to questions like: What matters to you in a relationship? What matters to you during sex? What do you like about sex? What makes sex good for you? What is an ideal experience?

These are all questions you can (and should) ask yourself when you’re attempting to figure out your values. “If you’ve ever done a personal values audit when it comes to the rest of your life – for example, in your personal life, health, relationships, career, business, or spirituality; it’s the same concept [as this], but for your sexuality,” Rowett says.

Journaling can be very beneficial here because it puts all your thoughts into writing. Rowett suggests prompts could be:

Things that are a hot yes in a partner are… Things that are a hell no in a partner are… My sexual non-negotiables are… What I most need to feel sexually and erotically satisfied is…, The emotional needs that need to be met in my sexual relationship are…, If I could only have the sex and intimacy that nourished my soul and lit me up, it would be…

From here, you can start to discern certain patterns, words, and behaviors that seem to follow positive and negative experiences. And from there, you can distill what core values might be for you.

This is a core concept for coming into your own as a fully realized sexual being. It’s all about the journey and we have to be willing to look inward and self-reflect to get the most out of this wild ride.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Divvying Up The Chores Can Lead To Better Sex

BY Pema Bakshi

Keeping the spice alive in long-term relationships is something we’ll never stop trying to wrap our heads around. But according to new research, it’s less about mixing things up, and more about establishing equitable relations outside the boudoir, particularly when it comes to stimulating desire in women.

Female desire is multidimensional. And, as previous work by Eugenia Cherkasskaya and Margaret Rosario lays out, it consists of two main factors: solitary sexual desire, an internally driven desire to achieve specific sexual needs for gratification and address sexual frustration, and dyadic sexual desire, defined as a desire reflecting a want for emotional closeness or intimacy with another person.

To explore the role that relationship that equity plays in female desire, the Centre for Mental Health at Swinburne University of Technology set out to understand the link between the two. In a study of almost 300 women, all aged between 18 to 39 and all in relationships, researchers had participants complete measures of solitary and dyadic facets of sexual desire, reporting on perceptions of relationship equity and their overall relationship satisfaction.

Looking at the data, the team found that those that reported equal relationships, were more likely to experience higher levels of both solitary and dyadic sexual desire, and they were more satisfied in their relationships. As expected, equality in relationships predicted relationship satisfaction, which related to higher levels of dyadic sexual desire — suggesting that female sexual desire is not only biological and cognitive, but also responsive to relational contexts. Basically, as much as Hollywood says otherwise, it’s not just the forbidden connections that get our engines going, but the ones built on mutual respect and support.

According to Dr. Simone Buzwell, an academic at the university, these results are telling. “While a lack of desire is not an issue for all women, a lack of sexual desire does cause significant distress for many women and their intimate partners,” she says. But if these results tell us anything, it’s that the stress may be mis-channelled.

As Buzwell notes, this is ultimately a positive finding: that desire is something that can be worked on, as opposed to the erroneous ideas sold to us by rom-coms. “Low female sexual desire is likely to be a problem that both people in the relationship can solve together,” she says, adding that it really does take two to tango. “It is not the ‘fault’ of one individual and it would be useful to consider factors beyond the sexual realm that may be contributing.”

So the next time you’re splitting hairs over your sex life — or lack thereof — keep in mind that there are many factors that contribute to desire. And remember, for the most part, fairer sex is better sex!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!