Category: Sex and Relationships

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The rise of voluntary celibacy

— ‘Most of the sex I’ve had, I wish I hadn’t bothered’

More and more people are choosing to go without sex. And, in many cases, they’ve never been happier

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Caitlin didn’t set out to become celibate – at least not in the beginning. Three years ago, she was coming out of an abusive relationship and wasn’t ready to meet someone else. Then Covid happened, and the lockdowns made it impossible anyway. “I thought during that time I needed space to heal and reflect on what I’d been through,” she says. Towards the end of 2020, the 23-year-old artist started therapy. “I realised if I was going to be sexually active, I needed someone who would understand my past, and where I was coming from. I don’t want to be with someone unless I know it’s committed, and I’m not in a rush to find that.”

She had been on dating apps, but found it hard to meet men who wanted a relationship, rather than just sex. “I found they would stop talking to me if I made it known I wasn’t going to hook up with them on the first date. I found a lot of men would put on a bit of an act to appear as if they wanted a relationship, then as soon as you took sex off the table while getting to know them, they disappeared. It’s tricky when a lot of dating is around hook-up culture, which I’m not interested in.”

Caitlin’s celibacy, three years in now, became intentional. She hasn’t missed sex itself, she says, and certainly not casual sex, although sometimes, “seeing people in relationships and having healthy sex lives, can make me go: ‘Why don’t I have that?’” But it has had unintentional benefits. “It’s taught me more about what I enjoy in sex, which I wasn’t expecting. I thought it was going to put me at a disadvantage, but I feel a lot more confident in my own sexuality.” While sex with someone else is out, masturbation is still in, and she says her libido has increased. “I think because exploring different things without dealing with another person has allowed me to find what I enjoy.” It has also made her more relaxed about finding a relationship (or not). “I’ve got other things to focus on. It’s if someone fits into my life rather than me needing to make room for them.”

On TikTok, voluntary or intentional celibacy has become a trend – the #celibacy hashtag has had more than 195m views – with those who practise it claiming it has improved their focus, mental health and energy. In January, it was reported that there was a 90% increase in Google searches for celibacy that month.

“This coincides with a long‑term trend among people today, in general, having less sex with fewer partners,” says Dr Justin Lehmiller, a Kinsey Institute research fellow and host of the Sex and Psychology podcast. “Humans are increasingly less sexually active, with some forgoing sex altogether.” Study after study of sexual behaviour, in different countries, show this. The last National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal) in Britain found that 16% of men and 22% of women aged 16 to 74 were sexually inactive, and for most of them, it wasn’t a problem. While the authors noted the documented wellbeing benefits of a satisfying sex life, of those who had previously had sexual experience, the majority were not dissatisfied with their situation (around a third of men, and a quarter of women reported they were dissatisfied, although age had an effect, with younger people more dissatisfied than older people). The Natsal data is more than 10 years old, though, and its authors noted in a 2019 paper on the sexually inactive how little is known about them.

The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior in the US found that between 2009 and 2018 there was a rise in adolescents reporting no sexual activity (partnered and alone), from 28.8% to 44.2% of young men and from 49.5% to 74% of young women. In one interview, the study’s authors raised several possible contributing factors, including gaming and social media taking time and precedence, more awareness of asexuality as an identity, a decline in alcohol use, an increase in “rough sex” practices such as choking that may be frightening or off-putting to many, and lower incomes.

Voluntary celibacy in the US, where Lehmiller is based, seems to have more links to religion than it does in the UK. Furthermore, he says, “in this #MeToo and post-Roe era [with the rollback of reproductive rights] we find ourselves in, the perceived risks associated with sex are higher, particularly for women. And, when you factor in the orgasm gap and the fact that women’s pleasure still isn’t on a par with men’s, some women are asking themselves whether sex is even worth it. If you see it as a high-risk, low-reward kind of thing, you might decide you’re better off without it.”

He suggests that celibacy, for some, may be part of “the growing trend towards delayed adulthood. Individuals might see sex and relationships as distractions, or as not having much point until they’ve found stability in other life circumstances.” The pressures of studying, establishing a career or saving for a home may take priority. While voluntary celibacy seems less popular among non‑religious heterosexual men, some have talked online about intentional celibacy providing more focus for their careers, with sex being a distraction.

For those who are dating, apps have changed the way many people find partners, but as Lehmiller points out, online dating is an arena “where there’s a lot of toxic behaviour, brutal rejection and feelings of intense competition for mates. It can make sex and relationships feel like a high-stress, high-stakes thing. Some people may find that taking a pause from that is good for their mental health.”

While celibacy is for many a positive personal choice, it can also be viewed as the result of, or a reaction against, a messed-up sexual culture, just as some of the second wave feminists chose political lesbianism decades ago. Last year, the “femcel”, or “female involuntary celibate”, went mainstream. “They feel the same sense of ‘humiliation and exclusion’ that ‘incels’ do,” as a piece in the Atlantic put it, “but they react to those feelings differently.”

Unlike the notorious misogynistic incels who blame women for not wanting to have sex with them, femcels posting in online groups tend to blame their celibacy on the soul-destroying sexual landscape and a society that, for all its hollow talk of “body positivity”, is still obsessed with looks and beauty conventions.

Louise Perry, author of The Case Against the Sexual Revolution, says that many young heterosexual women “now feel as if they have to run the gauntlet of hook-up culture if they want to have any kind of sexual relationship. I think a lot of them, quite fairly, would rather not have any sexual relationship at all.” The influence and availability of pornography, she adds, “has had a really destructive effect on sexual culture.” She says surveys show that “most women don’t get that much out of casual sex. The problem is, because our sexual culture is so oriented towards a more masculine style of sexuality, a lot of young women in particular don’t feel as if they are able to demand commitment from their partners. Increasing numbers are opting out of the sexual culture altogether.”

It’s naive, she says, to think you can simply choose to avoid pornography and casual sex if you’re sexually active, “because the nature of sex in general, and social relationships, is that they’re networked – you have sex with people who have sex with other people, who watch porn. Even if you choose not to do that, other people do it, and it changes the culture. I think that, particularly in young people, who are super-sensitive to what other people think about them, the default setting now is to have pornified, casual sex.” For some people, opting out might feel like their only option.

Not that voluntary celibacy has just been invented. Stephen gave up sex more than 20 years ago, when he had just turned 40. “I’d become disillusioned with the gay scene, and too much casual sex with strangers. While I was in my 20s it could be fun, but most of the time, when I had sex with someone I’d just met, I was always hoping it was going to be more than just the one night. I was hoping for a relationship.” The last time he had sex, he contracted syphilis, which was the final straw.

A year or so ago, now in his early 60s, Stephen thought he might make another attempt at a sex life. “I gave Grindr a go, and that was quite an eye-opener.” The dating scene had changed in his decades of celibacy, with apps making casual hook-ups even easier, and he says he was alarmed by the number of people who wanted to have sex while taking drugs. He went on three dates with different men. “We did a bit of touching and kissing, but when it came to going any further, each time I said: ‘I’ve changed my mind.’ Now I’ve put myself back on the shelf. Most of the sex I’ve ever had, I wish I hadn’t bothered. It wasn’t what I thought it was going to be and it just seems so much effort for something that’s over quickly. Looking back, it’s all very disappointing.”

He has missed intimacy, but companionship and affection have come from friends and his dogs. He is still open to being in a relationship, he says, and hasn’t lost his sex drive, but he thinks he is unlikely to meet someone now. “I’d need to have sex with someone I’ve known, even just for a few weeks, or a few days, instead of with someone whose name you can’t quite remember. An intimate but non-sexual relationship might be the best for me. It would be nice to lie in bed with someone, be an old married couple from the start.”

Celibacy, says Ammanda Major, head of clinical practice for Relate, “works when it works, and it doesn’t work when it doesn’t work. A lot of this comes down to: is this something that you feel is important to you, and you’re doing it for you? Or is it something that you feel is imposed on you, for reasons that might be very difficult? Like you’ve had a period without a partner, or you’ve gone through a period of ill health, whether mental or physical.” If it hasn’t been a positive choice, she says, it could “cause people to feel potentially unloved and uncared for”.

It can also raise problems, unsurprisingly, in relationships where one partner wants to follow a celibate lifestyle, but the other doesn’t. In that situation, you have to be willing to have a potentially difficult conversation about what it means for your relationship. Our society puts a lot of emphasis on sex, “but it’s not for everyone”, she says. “Celibacy can be a conscious decision, or it may be something that you just gently morph into and that also feels OK for you.” Major suggests asking yourself what celibacy brings to your life. “Are you cutting yourself off from sex, or are you cutting yourself off from intimacy? Are they the same for you? Can you be intimate while being celibate?”

It can certainly have benefits in a variety of situations, she says. “It’s not unusual for people after the breakup of a relationship, or periods of a lot of sexual activity, to take a step back and think: ‘I need to do some self-care, which involves taking myself out of this sexual arena at the moment. I will engage with it again at some point, but this is time to think about what I want to do next.’ Which may be to maintain celibacy, or it may be to engage with an intimate partner or several partners.”

Without her period of intentional celibacy a few years ago, after a breakup, Kelly Jenner believes she wouldn’t have changed her relationship patterns for the better. “I went for men who were very unavailable,” she says. “Now I’m in the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had – I’ve got clear boundaries, we have healthy conversations, whereas I never had that before I did intentional celibacy.” Now a breakup recovery coach, Jenner often recommends a period of celibacy to others. How long it lasts is less important, she thinks, than the intention; simply a sexless period between partners doesn’t necessarily come with the same benefits. “The intention changes your whole mindset around dating.”

For Hope Flynn, 31, head of content for iPlaySafe, a home-testing STI kit and app, her eight-month stretch of celibacy – she had been having sex about three times a week, so it was intentional rather than a mere dry spell – was about resetting her attitudes to sex. “I really enjoy sex, but I started to notice I was using it in the wrong way,” she says. She was going through a difficult time – she was trying to launch a business and had experienced a couple of bereavements – and would seek no-strings sex as a distraction and for comfort.

“It wasn’t really doing anything for me, other than making me feel as if I was making wrong decisions. I had to put the brakes on it for a few months, and focus on myself and making myself feel better.” It was sometimes difficult, she says. “It was lonely at times, and I felt like I was being my own fun police, but it was needed.”

Earlier this year, she had another period of abstention – this time from pornography and masturbation, because she felt that had got out of control. “I wanted to have a better relationship with porn, and use my own imagination a bit more.” Both sexual breaks helped her focus on other areas of her life by removing sex as a distraction, and it made her appreciate sex more when she started being intimate again. “When I was having sex so regularly, it just becomes something that you do, but it was nice to have that break and make it special again.”

Some names have been changed

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Woman in an Open Marriage With a Gay Man

— New York Magazine’s “Sex Diaries” series asks anonymous city dwellers to record a week in their sex lives — with comic, tragic, often sexy, and always revealing results. The column, which began in 2007, is the basis of a new docuseries on HBO.

As told to

This week, a landscape architect goes on a few questionable dates and wonders how to zhuzh up her sex life: 45, married, New York.

DAY ONE

6:20 a.m. Our daughter wanders into our room for morning cuddles. My husband, Howie, snuggles with her for a little while. I get up and put coffee on.

7:15 a.m. Our son is now awake. We all have breakfast — cereal and waffles. I pack the kids’ backpacks and Howie takes them to elementary school.

9:30 a.m. Finally, I have a moment to myself and check my phone. Howie and I are in an open marriage. We don’t have a sexual relationship — he mostly sleeps with gay men, and I’m bisexual. We met at a gay bar about eight years ago and became the best of friends. We got pregnant via IVF and then decided to get married and co-parent together because we love each other and wanted to be a family unit. We just outsource our sex lives!

Anyway, Thea, a woman I met on Hinge, has texted about a drink tomorrow night. I have to check my schedule with Howie, so I don’t write back.

2 p.m. I jump in my car and head to the Hamptons for a meeting with a new client. I’m a landscape architect and do projects in the Hamptons and upstate New York, so I’m on the road a lot. On the way, I listen to music — a hip-hop playlist Howie made for me.

6 p.m. The meeting went well. I think they’re going to hire me. I start the drive back to the city.

9 p.m. By the time I get home, the entire house is asleep, including Howie, so I get on the couch and do some flirting on the apps. I confirm a drink with Thea for tomorrow and tell a guy named Paulo that I’d be down for a coffee the next day.

9:30 p.m. It occurs to me that I haven’t had really great sex with anyone in months. My last hookup was with a woman visiting for a week from London. We got drunk on spicy margaritas and went crazy on each other at her hotel room. I need something like that soon and hope Thea or Paulo are good options.

DAY TWO

8 a.m. Get the kids ready for school by myself. Howie had an early meeting. He’s a lawyer. Since we’re in our mid-40s, he’s finally in a position of power and has slightly better hours, but he works for a pretty conservative firm so he’s tight-lipped about our lifestyle.

1 p.m. Drafting a proposal for the Hamptons client. I finally hit “send” and then go to the gym.

3 p.m. From the treadmill, I suggest a few date spots to Thea. She’s younger and is “an artist,” though it’s unclear from her dating profile what that means. I hope she’s not a total hipster or party girl.

6 p.m. Kiss the kids goodnight. Tell Howie to wish me luck and leave the apartment. It’s kind of like we’re roommates — when he knows I’m going on a date, he’s excited for me. There’s no weirdness unless one of us leaves the other with a ton of parenting or chores.

7 p.m. At some bar in Bushwick to meet Thea. I get a drink and check my emails.

7:15 p.m. Thea walks in. She’s adorable. Big smile, beautiful skin, long hair. I’m so glad she’s not a gritty hipster. I’m just not attracted to dirty hair and nose piercings. But she is very young, in her late 20s, which surprises me. I have no idea how I missed that on her dating profile. I kind of feel like her mother.

9 p.m. So far, it’s a good date. I’m attracted to her. We’ve had two drinks each, and we decide to move next door and get some food.

9:30 p.m. We’re eating some overpriced artisanal pizza. When we’re finished, I pay, and we decide to call our Ubers home. We start making out while we wait. It’s wonderful. She’s tender and affectionate. I’m into it, but I decide we can hang out another time and see where things go. Not tonight, I’m getting tired.

10:15 p.m. Crawl into bed. I tell Howie I had fun but I wasn’t super into her. She was a little boring if I’m being honest.

DAY THREE

6 a.m. Daughter is up. I’m hungover. Since Howie did the heavy lifting last night, I handle the morning routine.

8:30 a.m. Drop off the kids. Stop at a café for my second coffee of the morning.

12:30 p.m. I’m visiting a client in Cobble Hill. She’s not happy with a job I did for her last summer, so I’m dreading it.

1:30 p.m. Leave the meeting in a bad mood. Still have a hangover. Sometimes I wonder if this lifestyle is sustainable for Howie and me. He barely goes out anymore because he says he’s content with our home life and has plenty of porn to jerk off to. We’re older now, and I wonder if I’m ready to slow down my sex life too. It feels like I’m at a crossroads.

4 p.m. A long afternoon of invoicing and paperwork.

6 p.m. Head to a drinks event with a hotel brand that always hires me for big jobs. I’m really not looking forward to it, but I can’t blow it off.

7 p.m. On the subway there, Paulo texts about hanging out tonight. I tell him now’s not a good time but maybe at the end of the week. I also see a text from Thea, but I ignore it.

9 p.m. Showed face and schmoozed the hotel people. Now I’m on the train home.

10:30 p.m. I take out my vibrator while pretending to take a shower. Sitting on the bathroom floor, I press it against my underwear, close my eyes, and try to imagine fucking Thea. My mind switches channels and instead, I’m on my stomach, getting railed by an unknown man with a huge cock while I go down on some woman. I come in about 60 seconds. Then I take a shower for real.

DAY FOUR

6 a.m. Up with the kids since Howie handled bedtime.

10:30 a.m. At a client’s house, working. All of my clients are wealthy, but this one is spectacularly wealthy and spectacularly rude. But she pays very well and on time, so I don’t want to bite the hand that feeds me. She truly is a bitch, though.

4:30 p.m. I pick up the kids from their after-school programs and we head home. Howie is going to a work party tonight, so I want to get everyone fed before he takes off.

5 p.m. Start making chicken tortilla soup. I love cooking. I always have a glass of wine while I cook. In these moments, I’m 100 percent satisfied with my life and don’t need anything more.

6 p.m. Everyone eats, then the kids and I send Howie off. He looks so handsome. I feel bad for him at these work parties. He says it’s no big deal hiding his identity, but I wish he’d be more open about his true self. But it’s his business, not mine.

9 p.m. I’m on the couch texting Paulo. He obviously wants to sext. He literally said, “What are you wearing?” So corny.

I write back, “Describe your cock for me?” He asks if I want a picture. I do. He sends one and it’s big, veiny, and kind of scary — but also beautiful in a way. I wonder if it’s his real dick.

He asks if I want to FaceTime. I say no, then put the phone down and watch TV. Howie could be home at any moment, and I don’t want him walking in on me fingering myself to a stranger on the phone. It would just be too embarrassing.

DAY FIVE

7:30 a.m. Howie did the morning shift. Yay. I head to a meeting with my accountant.

Noon: Lunch with my sister, who lives near the accountant. She knows about my lifestyle and doesn’t judge. She’s in a sexless, dull marriage and says she often feels stuck in “Blahsville.” I wish she could just open things up like us, but she says she’s not interested in sex so an open marriage doesn’t appeal to her. That may be true, but it makes me wonder how her husband is getting off. I bet he cheats on her, but I’d never say that out loud.

3 p.m. Paulo wants to meet up. I did like the size and strength of his cock. From our chats, he seems potentially gross, but I’m intrigued. I suggest tomorrow night.

7 p.m. We have family dinner at a restaurant. It’s very fun. My kids are so precious. Howie and I are pretty open with them about our unconventional marriage. I mean, we tell them what their brains can handle, things like “There are lots of different ways to be married. We do it our way, and it’s the best way for us!” I’ll explain the details when they’re older, but I’m not worried about it.

DAY SIX

6 a.m. It’s the weekend! Which means we still wake up at the crack of dawn …

Noon: A morning of soccer and karate classes.

3 p.m. Our kids watch a movie while Howie and I decide what to do tonight. We always get a sitter on Saturdays. Howie plans to meet up with his best friend, who is gay and married and about to have his first child. I tell Howie I might have a drink with Paulo, who has a huge cock and might be a bit sketchy. We both laugh. Howie makes me laugh like no one else can.

7:30 p.m. Paulo picked a cool bar in Tribeca. I walk in a bit late and he’s there. He looks nothing like his dating-app photos. He’s much shorter, fatter, and scuzzier in real life. It’s like night and day. I feel very annoyed by this. Like, come on, dude, do better.

8:30 p.m. He wants to go fuck right away. He suggests the bathroom of the bar and then a hotel room where he’s apparently “a VIP.” Ick! He’s neither charming nor seductive, so after one drink, I hop on a Citi Bike and ride all the way home. I block him the minute I dock the bike.

9 p.m. Sent the sitter home early and took a shower. Had to wash off the ick.

DAY SEVEN

6:30 a.m. Drinking my first cup of coffee. I’m feeling a little blah. I can’t seem to meet someone sexy and cool in real life, my husband is gay, and I’m getting older. Ugh, whatever, just the morning blues, I guess.

12:30 p.m. Take the kids to a birthday party. The mom hosting it is newly divorced and beautiful. She has a masculine edge, and I’m very attracted to her but I never know how to hit on other moms. It’s tricky since it’s in my kids’ orbit.

1 p.m. The birthday mom says something like “Remember when Sundays were all about binge-watching TV and having sex all day?” We both laugh and get pulled away by our kids, but I consider this an interesting sign …

3 p.m. Before I leave the party, she gives me her cell. I feel a vibe but not sure what to make of it. Murky territory.

8:30 p.m. After saying goodnight to the kids, I text the birthday mom to thank her for the party. She writes back, “We should get a drink sometime.” I make myself wait 20 minutes before writing back: “I’d love that.”

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The culture of mistrust is bleeding into our personal lives.

— No wonder there’s a sex recession

‘In a cultural moment where liberalised attitudes towards sex and sexuality have destigmatised so many forms of sexual behaviour, younger generations appear to be growing less sexually intimate.’

The allure of digital relationships that can be curated and controlled comes at the expense of mutual vulnerability

By

The western drift away from seeking moral instruction from the church is understandable; the morality plays staged every day on Reddit’s infamous “Am I the Asshole?” threads are far more entertaining.

A few weeks ago, a post went viral in which the author seeks a public verdict on the question “AITA for asking my roommates to remove their dildos from the bathroom mirror in a way that was not kind?” The young poster had responded to the presence of newly washed sex toys in a shared space with a disgusted hostility and the dildo-owning flatmate complained the poster should have requested the removal more politely.

This brash – and now VERY public – story of objects once unlikely to be mentioned outside (ahem) the most personal of circumstances appears at the same time US magazine the Atlantic has been discussing “America’s intimacy problem”.

Researchers in the US have noticed a decline in secure attachments between individuals. Growing numbers of Americans find themselves either avoiding or incapable of maintaining intimate social relationships, with the consequence being loneliness and isolation. Psychologists report that even when their clients do want the security and comfort of meaningful connections, “there’s a lot of confusion and fear in terms of how to get there”.

In a cultural moment where liberalised attitudes towards sex and sexuality have destigmatised so many forms of sexual behaviour, younger generations appear to be growing less sexually intimate.

It’s not an exclusively American problem. In Australia, younger generations have also been in a “sex recession” for years. Figures compiled in 2020 revealed 40% of people in the 18-24 age bracket had never had a sexual partner. Disturbingly, some of those who know sexual contact may not necessarily know it with intimacy, but with coercion.

Sociologists and other researchers have speculated that social media is driving this. From chat to porn, the new networks provide on-demand experiences of connection that resemble in-person interactions without sharing the awkward, human rhythms of the real-world thing. The digital allure is of relationships that can be curated, controlled and contained.

Simultaneously, the portability of image-capture technology has facilitated an era of relentless self-surveillance. Powerful forces incentivise the exploitation of the personal, from the monetisation of the influencer to the desperate social competition for online attention.

The digital paradigm has come to contain us. To admit one is messy, inexperienced, scared, human-shaped or in any way truly vulnerable is an act of trust before another person and we’ve all learned by now to never trust anything pretending to be a person on the internet. Maybe the culture of mistrust fostered on the internet is what’s bleeding into our external lives? The relentless exposure of it renders any revelation of frailty a dangerous prospect.

Meanwhile, experiments such as Arthur Aron’s “36 questions that lead to love” established that it’s the mutual revelation of vulnerability that creates our most intimate bonds.

The terror is valid. The personal cost is incalculable.

Recently I received the sad news that an old theatre friend had passed away, and far too young. We lived on separate continents and had not been in touch for quite some time.

This news of his death, though, has shattered me. The memory that replays itself dates from 19 years ago; we’d stumbled into my apartment to crash after an all-night drunken adventure, and in his besozzlement he found himself unable to remove his contact lenses. He asked for help. My careful fingers peeled the plastic droplets from the eyeballs of my prone-on-the-spare-bed, fully clothed friend and it remains one of the most intimate experiences I’ve had with another human being. It changed the channel of our relationship – not into anything romantic, but into another kind of closeness that remains tricky to explain.

The pain of loss I’m feeling now is the price humans pay for the intensity of these connections.

Restless and raging at the sky in the wake of too many recent deaths, I’m yet to be convinced that the worst flatmate or view-aggregating Tokfluencer doesn’t yearn for the intimacy of a profound friendship, or a loving family, or true romantic love.

For those who may find themselves insecurely attached and sad about it, some gentle guidance: it’s not our social performances that leave an indelible impression behind us – it’s the risk taken to trust someone else when we are in our greatest vulnerability. It’s in these moments we become immortal to each other.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex? Sexual intercourse? Neither?

— Teens weigh in on evolving definitions — and habits

By JOCELYN GECKER

Situationships. “Sneaky links.” The “talking stage,” the flirtatious getting-to-know-you phase — typically done via text — that can lead to a hookup.

High school students are having less sexual intercourse. That’s what the studies say. But that doesn’t mean they’re having less sex.

The language of young love and lust, and the actions behind it, are evolving. And the shift is not being adequately captured in national studies, experts say.

For years, studies have shown a decline in the rates of American high school students having sex. That trend continued, not surprisingly, in the first years of the pandemic, according to a recent survey by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. The study found that 30% of teens in 2021 said they had ever had sex, down from 38% in 2019 and a huge drop from three decades ago, when more than half of teens reported having sex.

The Associated Press took the findings to teenagers and experts around the country to ask for their interpretation. Parents: Some of the answers may surprise you.

THE MEANING OF SEX: DEPENDS WHO YOU ASK

For starters, what is the definition of sex?

“Hmm. That’s a good question,” says Rose, 17, a junior at a New England high school.

She thought about it for 20 seconds, then listed a range of possibilities for heterosexual sex, oral sex and relations between same-sex or LGBTQ partners. On her campus, short-term hookups — known as “situationships” — are typically low commitment and high risk from both health and emotional perspectives.

There are also “sneaky links” — when you hook up in secret and don’t tell your friends. “I have a feeling a lot more people are quote unquote having sex — just not necessarily between a man and a woman.”

For teens today, the conversation about sexuality is moving from a binary situation to a spectrum and so are the kinds of sex people are having. And while the vocabulary around sex is shifting, the main question on the CDC survey has been worded the same way since the government agency began its biannual study in 1991: Have you “ever had sexual intercourse?”

“Honestly, that question is a little laughable,” says Kay, 18, who identifies as queer and attends a public high school near Lansing, Michigan. “There’s probably a lot of teenagers who are like, ‘No, I’ve never had sexual intercourse, but I’ve had other kinds of sex.’”

The AP agreed to use teenagers’ first or middle names for this article because of a common concern they expressed about backlash at school, at home and on social media for speaking about their peers’ sex lives and LGBTQ+ relations.

SEXUAL IDENTITY IS EVOLVING

Several experts say the CDC findings could signal a shift in how teen sexuality is evolving, with gender fluidity becoming more common along with a decrease in stigma about identifying as not heterosexual.

They point to another finding in this year’s study that found the proportion of high school kids who identify as heterosexual dropped to about 75%, down from about 89% in 2015, when the CDC began asking about sexual orientation. Meanwhile, the share who identified as lesbian, gay or bisexual rose to 15%, up from 8% in 2015.

“I just wonder, if youth were in the room when the questions were being created, how they would be worded differently,” said Taryn Gal, executive director of the Michigan Organization on Adolescent Sexual Health.

Sex is just one of the topics covered by the CDC study, called the Youth Risk Behavior Survey. One of the main sources of national data about high school students on a range of behaviors, it is conducted every two years and asks about 100 questions on topics including smoking, drinking, drug use, bullying, carrying guns and sex. More than 17,000 students at 152 public and private high schools across the country responded to the 2021 survey.

“It’s a fine line we have to try to walk,” says Kathleen Ethier, director of the CDC’s Division of Adolescent and School Health, which leads the study.

From a methodological standpoint, changing a question would make it harder to compare trends over time. The goal is to take a national snapshot of teenage behavior, with the understanding that questions might not capture all the nuance. “It doesn’t allow us to go as in depth in some areas as we would like,” Ethier says.

The national survey, for example, does not ask about oral sex, which carries the risk of spreading sexually transmitted infections. As for “sexual intercourse,” Ethier says, “We try to use a term that we know young people understand, realizing that it may not encompass all the ways young people would define sex.”

IS LESS TEEN SEX GOOD NEWS?

Beyond semantics, there are a multitude of theories on why the reported rates of high school sex have steadily declined — and what it might say about American society.

“I imagine some parents are rejoicing and some are concerned, and I think there is probably good cause for both,” says Sharon Hoover, co-director of the National Center for School Mental Health at the University of Maryland. Health officials like to see trends that result in fewer teen pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases.

“But what we don’t know is what this means for the trajectory of young people,” Hoover says.

This year’s decrease, the sharpest drop ever recorded, clearly had a lot to do with the pandemic, which kept kids isolated, cut off from friends and immersed in social media. Even when life started returning to normal, many kids felt uncomfortable with face-to-face interaction and found their skills in verbal communication had declined, Hoover said.

The survey was conducted in the fall of 2021, just as many K-12 students returned to in-person classrooms after a year of online school.

Several teens interviewed said that when schools reopened, they returned with intense social anxiety compounded by fears of catching COVID. That added a new layer to pre-pandemic concerns about sexual relations like getting pregnant or catching STIs.

“I remember thinking, ‘What if I get sick? What if I get a disease? What if I don’t have the people skills for this?’” said Kay, the 18-year-old from Michigan. “All those ‘what ifs’ definitely affected my personal relationships, and how I interacted with strangers or personal partners.”

Another fear is the prying eyes of parents, says college student Abby Tow, who wonders if helicopter parenting has played a role in what she calls the “baby-fication of our generation.” A senior at the University of Oklahoma, Tow knows students in college whose parents monitor their whereabouts using tracking apps.

“Parents would get push notifications when their students left dorms and returned home to dorms,” says Tow, 22, majoring in social work and gender studies.

Tow also notices a “general sense of disillusionment” in her generation. She cites statistics that fewer teenagers today are getting driver’s licenses. “I think,” she says, “there is a correlation between students being able to drive and students having sex.”

Another cause for declining sex rates could be easy access to online porn, experts say. By the age of 17, three-quarters of teenagers have viewed pornography online, with the average age of first exposure at 12, according to a report earlier this year by Common Sense Media, a nonprofit child advocacy group.

“Porn is becoming sex ed for young people,” says Justine Fonte, a New York-based sex education teacher. She says pornography shapes and skews adolescent ideas about sexual acts, power and intimacy. “You can rewind, fast forward, play as much as you want. It doesn’t require you to think about how the person is feeling.”

IS THERE AN EVOLVING DEFINITION OF CONSENT?

Several experts said they hoped the decline could be partly attributed to a broader understanding of consent and an increase in “comprehensive” sex education being taught in many schools, which has become a target in ongoing culture wars.

Unlike abstinence-only programs, the lessons include discussion on understanding healthy relationships, gender identity, sexual orientation and preventing unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections. Contrary to what critics think, she said, young people are more likely to delay the onset of sexual activity if they have access to sex education.

Some schools and organizations supplement sex education with peer counseling, where teens are trained to speak to each other about relationships and other topics that young people might feel uncomfortable raising with adults.

Annika, 14, is a peer ambassador trained by Planned Parenthood and a high school freshman in Southern California. She’s offered guidance to friends in toxic relationships and worries about the ubiquity of porn among her peers, especially male friends. It’s clear to her that the pandemic stunted sex lives.

The CDC’s 2023 survey, which is currently underway, will show if the decline was temporary. Annika suspects it will show a spike. In her school, at least, students seem to be making up for lost time.

“People lost those two years so they’re craving it more,” she said. She has often been in a school bathroom where couples in stalls next to her are engaged in sexual activities.

Again, the definition of sex? “Any sexual act,” Annika says. “And sexual intercourse is one type of act.”

To get a truly accurate reading of teen sexuality, the evolution of language needs to be taken into account, says Dr. John Santelli, a Columbia University professor who specializes in adolescent sexuality.

“The word intercourse used to have another meaning,” he points out. “Intercourse used to just mean talking.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The five stages of a relationship

— And how they affect your love life

There’s a lot that comes after the honeymoon stage

By Holly Berckelman

Did you know there are five stages in long-term relationships? Sex and relationship therapist Georgia Grace helps decode this viral theory.

There comes a point in every relationship where you run into the hard stuff.

Slowly, you’re not sitting on cloud nine anymore and reality sets in. The dumb way they brush their teeth and their 100-decibel snores in your ear every night becomes less of an endearing quirk and more of a fully-fledged annoyance.

At the same time, how they smile when they sleep and dance in the shower makes you fall a little bit more in love with them every day.

The relationship is growing up, and with it, the rewards and challenges do too. Then all of a sudden you move into another phase, and things change again.

As it turns out, relationships don’t consist of just a honeymoon period, and ‘the rest’. In fact, while they morph and adapt constantly, they actually consist of several distinct phases, – and the key to relationship success is understanding them all.

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In a recent video posted on TikTok, creator @hannahgetshired says “Can we normalise wanting to break up with your partner in a long-term relationship?”, before referencing a now-viral theory called the five stages of relationships theory.

While ideally, it’d be great if most of us didn’t want to dump our partners in long-term relationships, according to the theory, which is heavily informed by Knapp’s Relationship Development Model and work by the Relationship Institute, each phase consists of its own individual rewards and challenges, which can lead to couples questioning whether they’re right for each other.

“I think it’s really useful for people to see this framework to understand that it is really common for a relationship and a dynamic within a relationship to change,” says sex and relationship practitioner Georgia Grace, who uses the model when working with couples or individuals in a relationship.

And change they will. So, here’s what to expect.

The five stages of every long-term relationship

#1 Honeymoon phase

Length: Six months to one year

Ah the sweet, sweet honeymoon phase. We all know it, we all wish it lasted forever. This is the phase people often look back on as their relationship grows up – it’s all love, all the time.

“Romance, roses and rainbows – a time of intense love and attraction,” says Grace. “In the Honeymoon Stage we experience an intense surge of affection for our partner.”

“Biochemical changes in our body ignite a state of infatuation – dopamine and oxytocin peak to form a new bond.”

However, in the honeymoon phase, it’s also easy to overlook the tiny kinks and bits of friction in the relationship. And by definition, it lacks the depth that comes with longer-term relationships, relying instead on the rush of emotion and obsession over the long-lasting connection that is still to come.

#2 Uncertainty

Length: Six months to two years

When the dizzying heights of new love start to wear off, that’s when uncertainty and questioning set in.

“One of the more challenging phases is Uncertainty,” Grace tells Body+Soul. “Reality is setting in and you’re no longer experiencing the relationship when it’s free from concern, but you are actually starting to ask questions like, ‘Are we a good match?’”

These questions can be scary because it’s the first time you start to question whether a relationship can actually last, or if it’s more of a fleeting romance. But it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Pushing through Uncertainty is how the foundations for longevity and a strong relationship are built, which means the best is still to come.

#3 Adjustment

Length: After two years

Adjustment is when the real work in long-term relationships begins.

“In Adjustment you really start to recognise how you might be not compatible and this is where conflict often arises,’ Grace tells Body+Soul.

“We’ve seen our partner’s flaws and recognised our incompatibilities. Now we work to overcome these challenges in times of conflict.”

To make it through this phase you need communication in spades, a willingness to work through issues, and the toolkit to do so.

Grace assists her clients with developing “conflict management or conflict resolution processes, so that they can move beyond this if that’s something that they want.”

But ultimately it might not be, and many couples fold because they no longer want the same thing, or they just can’t make it work.

“Some people get to that phase and then are like ‘actually we’re too different. This isn’t going to work for us, so we need to end this relationship’.”

#4 Commitment

Length: After two years

The Commitment stage marks the easing of the storm. A couple has realised their differences, and probably had disagreements about them, but they’re coming out the other side, committing to try despite their small incompatibilities.

Grace says this is a time when couples examine their expectations of the other, and ultimately decide “whether to stay – or go.”

#5 Acceptance

Length: Five years plus

Acceptance is almost like the grown-up version of the honeymoon. The relationship isn’t marked by infatuation or obsession, but by stability, togetherness and boundaries. In healthy relationships, there’s a level of comfort that can be just as enthralling as new love, because you’ve found a person who is seemingly also in it for the long run – and what’s better than that?

Rinse and repeat

This theory is cyclical, and for very long-term relationships, they may get to the ‘end’ of the circle in Acceptance and then find themselves right back in the Honeymoon phase, before moving back through the process all over again.

Other factors can also come in and shake things up too. Grace tells Body+Soul, “Maybe you’ve had kids together or there’s been infidelity, or you’re working through something, or it’s just the natural cycle of a relationship, and you’ve got to that final stage of Acceptance and this long-term love. But then the novelty and excitement has gone out of the relationship.” This situation could move couples back into a period of Uncertainty, which they will then have to work through, before hopefully finding their way back to a period of Acceptance.

But the second time around will never look like the first. “We need to allow for our partners to be able to surprise us and to change,” Grace tells Body+Soul. “[We can’t] hold them to the person that they were when we met them a few years ago.”

So, even as the relationship returns to ‘earlier’ phases, they will always look different, as the couple is constantly developing and growing up – either towards each other or apart.

How to use the theory

Just as the model is cyclical, it’s also not always linear. And similarly, having awareness of the model isn’t always enough to save you. Slipping from Acceptance back into feelings of Uncertainty can be terrifying, and often, knowing that’s what’s happening isn’t enough to pull it back out.

But while it can be a limiting model – Grace believes it “can be really validating for people to learn that any relationship will go through its changes,” which can challenge and refocus the couple as a result.

Our suggestion? Use it as a compass – to know where you might be heading, and what you can expect during that time – but not as a crystal ball, because really, you never know what’s going to happen.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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I’m a Sex Coach in a Monogamish Relationship

— Here’s How I Handle the Fear and Jealousy That Can Come With Non-Monogamy

By Quean Mo

Even if you know wholeheartedly that you want to be non-monogamous, actually engaging in that relationship structure can elicit a variety of complex emotions. At the same time that you feel desire, you might also feel fear and jealousy—and I’ve experienced this firsthand, as both a person in a monogamish relationship (a form of non-monogamy that allows for agreed-upon sex acts outside of an otherwise monogamous relationship) and a sex coach who works with clients looking to navigate the complexities of such relationships.

When my husband James and I first got together eight years ago, it was in a monogamous relationship. But after we built a loving, trusting partnership—one that alleviated the emotional baggage I carried from a prior abusive relationship—I found that I was able to access parts of myself that I’d previously closed off. I discovered that I was a cuckquean (a woman who is aroused by her partner having an affair with another woman) and that I wanted to open up our relationship.

The idea of James sleeping with other women drove me mad with jealousy, and yet that jealousy felt so intensely good. The best way to describe this experience is that, because I felt emotionally secure within my relationship, I could sit in the fiery sensation that jealousy conjures without burning alive; it warmed and exhilarated me rather than consuming me.

The prospect of actually engaging in this fantasy, however, sparked loud, conflicting voices in my head. One voice promised that this lifestyle would make our relationship all the more fulfilling, while the other warned of the opposite. I was fighting with myself, but one feeling remained consistent: I loved James, and I also wanted to explore pleasure beyond ourselves.

Over the past four-plus years together, we’ve done just that, carefully weighing the pros and cons of non-monogamy and crafting a version of it that suits us both. The process has been a gateway to personal and relationship growth and enhanced pleasure. But it certainly hasn’t always been easy or linear.

Mainstream society tends to reinforce a primarily monogamous relationship structure and offers little guidance on anything outside of it, much less the nuanced feelings that non-monogamy can spark.

I’ve noticed non-monogamy becoming increasingly popular, but even so, mainstream society tends to reinforce a primarily monogamous relationship structure that offers little guidance on anything outside of that, much less the nuanced feelings that non-monogamy can spark. Below, I share how I’ve learned to navigate the fear and jealousy that can arise with non-monogamy and the advice I offer clients who aim to do the same.

5 tips to manage fear and jealousy when embracing non-monogamy with a partner

1. Discuss both the upsides of non-monogamy and of your individual relationship

Clear communication is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship, but it is especially important when you’re aiming to open up a relationship or fundamentally change its structure. By talking candidly about why you have the desire for a particular version of non-monogamy or a monogamish relationship with a partner, you also have the chance to address the what-ifs, which can help quell fears that arise naturally because of what is still unknown.

Here are a few questions that my husband and I considered when we discussed opening our relationship:

  • What sides of non-monogamy interested me? And why?
  • Was he interested in a monogamish relationship? If so, why?
  • What were our biggest fears when it came to embracing non-monogamy?
  • What role would each of us play?
  • What boundaries needed to be established?

In figuring out how you and a partner could both stand to benefit from non-monogamy, it’s equally important to reiterate what you value in the relationship you share with each other, according to sex and intimacy coach Rebekah Beneteau. “Maybe you two nest and co-parent really well together, but sexually you’re both dominant,” she says. “You may then want to get that need met somewhere else, while still recognizing that you have these other terrific connection points.”

The clear recognition that your current monogamous relationship has real value can help mitigate some of the natural fear and jealousy that can come with inviting others into the fold.

2. Define how you’ll each continue to be included in each other’s pleasure

When my husband and I were first embracing non-monogamy, I felt jealousy at the realization that I would no longer be the singular or even primary source of his sexual pleasure.

Beneteau defines this type of jealousy with an equation: turn-on + exclusion. “You don’t get jealous if your husband is doing their taxes with someone else,” she says, of exclusion without the turn-on.

Because our version of non-monogamy would involve sex acts with others, the antidote to jealousy was in figuring out how we could reduce feelings of exclusion and continue to be included in each other’s pleasure, both sexually and otherwise. This involved adopting the fundamental understanding that love and sex aren’t innately or always connected, and setting clear boundaries around our sexual relationships with others, so each of us felt included in those decisions.

3. Use self-reflection to examine the true source of your fears around non-monogamy

Typically, pain and fear are survival mechanisms that spring from perceived threat. The important thing to note, though, is that many of our perceptions of threat in relationships aren’t rooted in actual danger so much as they are in societal conditioning around monogamy—that “real” love is monogamous love, that we should search for “the one,” or that we should be able to have all our needs met by one person.

Many of our perceptions of threat in relationships aren’t rooted in actual danger so much as they are in societal conditioning around monogamy.

By taking “an intellectual look at the fears we feel [surrounding non-monogamy],” or following them with an objective lens, we can determine whether they’re actually true to us or are just stemming from the monogamous narratives that have been imparted onto us (and no longer serve us), says sociologist and relationship consultant Elisabeth “Eli” Scheff, PhD.

To do that, try implementing a self-reflection practice, such as journaling, to track your fears to their cores, and decide whether or not they have real merit. Understanding that the root of my fears around non-monogamy was in the societal narratives I once harbored has helped liberate me from those stories—and it could do the same for you.

4. Take small steps toward non-monogamy

Trial and error can feel intimidating when it comes to transitioning a monogamous relationship into a non-monogamous one—which is why gradual steps are key to success. Here are a few exercises from my personal tool kit to help you test the waters when you’re managing feelings of fear and jealousy:

  1. People-watch with your partner with the intention of sharing whom you find attractive.
  2. Have an ethical porn date during which you watch porn and play together or separately (be it in different rooms or through mutual masturbation).
  3. Explore online dating apps, either as a couple or separately. Start by chatting only, increasing engagement as you both see fit.

These items are meant to be entry-level actions you can take, with low emotional risk, to gauge how each of you feel when your partner is thinking about or engaging with someone else. The point is to communicate at every stage what works and what doesn’t so you can either continue forward or recalibrate accordingly. This way, you don’t risk accidentally pushing things too far too quickly in a way that leaves one or both partners feeling hurt.

5. Remember that *you* are always your primary partner

Being your own primary partner means “you are not willing to lose yourself for the sake of any relationship, and that anybody coming into your space just has the power to enhance it and bring something juicy, new, and fun,” says Beneteau.

What I love about this concept is that it shifts the focus from feelings of fear and potential inadequacy to individual empowerment.

The structure of your relationship has less to do with the success of it than the quality of the relationship itself.

When my husband and I transitioned from monogamous to monogamish, I navigated some frustration. I could feel that this was the right path for me, and yet, I was terrified of the consequences. What I learned, however, is what you bring to a relationship—trust, honesty, communication, love, respect—will best determine the longevity of that partnership and how satisfied you are within it (not whether it’s monogamous or non-monogamous or somewhere in-between).

As a result, it’s especially important to tend to your relationship with yourself if you find that you’re facing fear and jealousy in the pursuit of non-monogamy. “The relationship you have with yourself is foundational in how you move through the world,” says Beneteau.

One way to strengthen that relationship to self is to set your own pleasure as your compass. By reflecting on your desires for non-monogamy and following the path that you believe will bring you the most pleasure—even in the face of your fears—you’ll move toward your authentic self and a more fulfilling relationship, too. The journey will likely involve ample communication and trial-and-error, but remembering that it’s ultimately all in the name of your pleasure can help mitigate emotional setbacks and make it that much more rewarding in the end.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Unequal Chore Division Is Killing Women’s Sex Drives, Research Shows

By Kelly Gonsalves

You’re probably familiar with this story: Man and woman meet, fall in love, have fabulous sex. They move in, maybe get married, maybe have kids. Her interest in sex starts to drop; his doesn’t. Tension ensues, spoken or unspoken. He’s always initiating; she’s always turning him down.

While that narrative actually isn’t as universal as many people make it out to be (more on that in a minute), some research has shown that women are indeed more likely than men to experience a decrease in sexual desire over time in long-term relationships.

There are many theories as to why that might be, but one recent study published in the 1 has revealed one significant piece of the puzzle: women are getting turned off by male partners who refuse to do their share at home.

How an unequal division of household labor impacts women’s sexual desire

In the study, psychology researchers Emily A. Harris, Ph.D., Aki Gormezano, Ph.D., and Sari van Anders, Ph.D., surveyed over 1,000 women currently in relationships with men, all of whom were living together and had kids. They asked questions about the women’s levels of sexual desire, the division of housework with their male partners, and how they felt about that division.

The results? Women who performed a larger proportion of the household labor had significantly lower desire for their partner, compared to women in relationships where the men were more involved at home. In other words, women were much more sexually excited by men who cooked, cleaned, and took charge with the kids.

But the most telling part of the findings was the why: It wasn’t just that women’s libidos tanked in response to doing a bunch of chores, and it wasn’t just because women were busy and exhausted from it all. Rather, the researchers found two specific mediating factors that explained exactly why the unequal division of housework had such an impact on women’s desire.

Blurring the roles of partner and mother

Firstly, the study found that women shouldering more of the housework were also likely to perceive that dynamic as unfair—and that feeling of unfairness in the relationship was part of what was leading to lower desire for their partner.

This is important, the researchers note in the paper, because it refutes the argument that women take on more domestic tasks because they want to or because they simply enjoy caregiving. While that might be true for some, this study found women in imbalanced partnerships were actually often resentful of the situation. And it’s pretty hard to be turned on by someone you kinda resent.

Secondly, the researchers found that women dealing with an imbalance at home were more likely to feel like their partner was dependent on them. That feeling—that is, feeling like your man relies on you to take care of him and perform basic life tasks for him—was the other factor associated with lower sexual desire.

As Harris and the team point out in the paper, doing someone’s laundry, cooking for them, cleaning up after them, and planning their social calendar are tasks people typically perform for children. So, when a woman has to perform these tasks for her husband with no real reciprocity or recognition, the relationship “more closely mirrors that of a mother and a child.”

Unsurprisingly, that’s not very sexy.

“The inequitable proportion of household labor may contribute to a burdensome blurring of mother and partner roles, whereby partners are perceived as recipients of caregiving, akin to dependent children,” they write. “As a result, women may experience lower desire for partners who are perceived in dependent-like ways.”

There’s a common joke married women make where, when asked how many kids they have, they include their husband in the count. That dynamic is often laughed at and accepted as the norm between men and women, but as this study shows, it comes with direct consequences for a couple’s sex life. It’s very hard to be sexually attracted to someone who you feel like you need to mother.

Challenging a popular myth about women’s libidos

That common anecdote we mentioned up top—about the wife who is constantly rebuffing her husband’s sexual advances—is tied up with the idea that women are always or inherently less interested in sex than men are. It’s a popular narrative, though of course, reality is much more nuanced.

For one thing, you’ll find varying levels of sexual desire across all genders: Some women want lots of sex, some men can take it or leave it, and most people have libidos that regularly fluctuate depending on all the other things happening in their life. While different studies2 estimate anywhere from 10 to 55% of women deal with “low libido” compared to between 1 to 28% of men, some research3 on mixed-gender couples finds men are equally likely to be the lower-desire partner as women are.

The current study also offers another challenge to the idea that women just naturally lack interest in sex by demonstrating that women’s lower libido actually seems to be directly tied to the role they’re often relegated to in long-term, heteronormative relationships.

“Our findings challenge the assumption that low sexual desire in women is necessarily located in women, in their bodies or minds,” Harris and the research team write. “Instead, we find support for a socio-structural explanation for at least some considerable portion of low desire in women, whereby the system of heteronormativity brings about gender inequities in household labor that are associated with lower desire.”

Meaning: Maybe women would be more interested in sex if they weren’t so often forced into such inequitable, libido-killing roles and relationships.

The takeaway

So, what does this all mean for the average couple trying to navigate their home and sex life?

Particularly in relationships between men and women, prioritizing creating a fair division of housework is well worth the effort for many reasons. Studies like this one suggest that, in addition to creating a more functional, balanced partnership, addressing the inequities at home may also boost a woman’s sexual desire.

More broadly, this research reminds us how important it is to be thoughtful about the various factors that might be contributing to you or a partner’s interest in sex. For example: Resentment gets in the way of connection of any sort, physical or otherwise. And a partner who pitches in, pulls his weight, and treats you like a teammate and an equal? That’s sexy as hell. 

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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New Research Suggests A Unique Way To Enhance Your Sex Life

— What do women find sexy?

By Mark Travers

A new study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior suggests that an unequal division of household labor can explain low sexual desire in women.

“The onus to fix women’s low sexual desire with things like medication, testosterone, stress-reduction, or mindfulness therapy can be unhelpful because it ignores bigger picture causes that include gender inequities,” say the authors of the study, led by Emily Harris of the University of Melbourne and Sari van Anders of Queen’s University in Canada.

In the past, researchers have focused on three factors that can have a negative impact on sexual desire. They are:

  • Individual factors (such as stress or hormonal imbalances)
  • Interpersonal factors (relationship or family issues)
  • Societal factors (access to information about sexuality and/or gender role stereotypes)

Interestingly, individual and interpersonal factors are commonly cited as an explanation for low sexual desire in women while societal factors have been largely ignored.

To test whether societal factors, such as an unequal division of household labor, could explain low sexual desire in women, the researchers conducted two online surveys. In the surveys, they asked women to report (1) their sexual desire in their relationship, (2) the division of household labor (such as doing laundry and cooking meals) and how they felt about it, and (3) whether their partners were dependent on them or not.

The results showed that:

  1. Women who did a larger proportion of the household labor relative to their partners experienced reduced sexual desire
  2. Women who did more household labor were more likely to perceive this to be unfair and perceived their partners as dependent on them – both of which were associated with lower sexual desire.

In other words, for a happy and (sexually) healthy relationship, couples should do their best to divide the household labor fairly. This, of course, is easier said than done in a world where traditional gender roles are still widely upheld.

To combat gender stereotypes, the authors advise women to talk to their partners about equally dividing housework. Men can also check in with their partners to decide on the chores they think they would be able to share.

The authors remind women that asking for an equal distribution of household responsibilities does not mean that they are asking for “help.” This only means that they are asking for a fair(er) distribution of work in the home.

If male partners seem uncooperative or unresponsive, seeking out professional relationship counseling can help. Counseling can also provide hesitant women with the tools they need to initiate what might be an uncomfortable conversation.

The authors offer three pieces of advice for men who want to address the issue proactively:

  • Be curious and open. See where inequities lie and how you can make changes that help your significant other feel more supported in the house.
  • Talk. Communication is essential in relationships. Let your partner know that you’d like to explore ways to lighten their load around the house.
  • Take action. In most cultures, women are expected to be the unpaid project managers of the household. By showing that you’d like to make chores a team effort, you’ll likely find that every aspect of your relationship improves, even your sex life.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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3 Signs You May Be The Problem In Your Relationship

By Mark Travers

Many people come to therapy when their attempts at being a great romantic partner fail. They may say things like:

  • “My partner does not respond to me instantly and I feel the compulsive need to call him. It angers me.”
  • “We have been having sex for quite some time now and things seem to be going well. Why does my partner flinch at the possibility of commitment?”
  • “I wonder who my ex is currently dating. I need to know what made my ex choose her over me.”

Coupling can bring us immense joy and satisfaction. However, it can easily take a toxic turn.

While we all want to be the best partners we can be, at times we may end up souring the sweetness through our actions.

Here are three ways you can unknowingly become the red flag in your relationship — and what to do about it.

#1. Over-romanticizing a potential partner

When we over-idealize, we start thinking about the other person in a way we wish them to be, so much so that we end up re-writing the reality of who they are and what is happening in the relationship.

While there’s nothing wrong about over-idealizing/romanticizing a new potential partner, it is sometimes symptomatic of a deeper issue, such as:

  • A lack of self-respect. By easily giving in to whatever your potential partner does, you run the risk of filling the other person with a sense of superiority. Not only might this make you less attractive in their eyes, but it can also make you overly cautious about what you say and how you behave when you’re around them. According to one study published in the Journal of Personality, people who have high self-respect are better able to uphold their moral principles when confronted with relationship dilemmas. This leads to better relationship outcomes – such as both partners being more accommodating, forgiving, and conciliatory.
  • A lack of self-esteem. A wide body of research shows, not surprisingly, that high self-esteem benefits romantic relationships. If you struggle with low self-esteem, you might end up sending unwelcome signals in your relationship, like presenting yourself as dependent on your partner for happiness and validation. You may even end up placing unrealistically high hopes on anyone who shows initial interest, perhaps demanding trust and intimacy right out of the gate.

To counteract your tendency to over-idealize, try the following:

  • Give them a chance to invest. For a relationship to be healthy, feelings must be mutual. If your partner truly feels the same way about your bond as you do, they should be willing to show their gestures of love. Give them a chance and let them invest in the relationship.
  • Ask others for objective opinions. Fantasizing about our relationships is acceptable so long as we keep our sights on reality too. One way to prevent yourself from falling for someone imaginary is to ask a third party for their honest views and opinions about your new relationship.

#2. Chasing someone who just broke up

Chasing someone who is fresh off of their previous relationship might signal that you have difficulty giving other people the time and space they sometimes need.

  • Are they easily reminded of their ex? If your potential partner brings up their ex frequently in conversations, it could mean that they’re still occupied with memories and unhealed wounds. In particular, if you notice them speaking negatively about their partner, that might mean that they’re not yet ready to move on or that they’re someone who won’t take responsibility for things that go wrong in a relationship.
  • Are they giving you mixed signals? Another pattern to watch out for is if your partner starts off strong only to disappoint as you move along in your relationship. For instance, someone who has just broken off their previous relationship could be on a trial run to prove that they can still be in a relationship. Tread this path cautiously and try to figure out if they are genuinely interested.

#3. Expecting commitment just because you had sex

Purely sexual relationships are more common than they used to be. But when it comes to these fleeting run-ins, we might naturally feel the desire to take things forward, even when that was never the expectation starting out.

If you’re currently in a “friend with benefits” or “sex without strings” arrangement, here are some healthy ways to voice your desire to take the relationship a notch higher:

  1. Look for signs of mutual interest. If you both enjoy each other’s company, especially outside the bedroom, this could mean that your partner may be open to committing to something more. The old adage is true: couples that play together, stay together.
  2. Express yourself. If you’re feeling like your partner may be on the same page as you, muster the courage and express yourself. Tell them how you see this relationship taking a different turn and let them know what you expect going forward. Be sure to give them time and space to think it through and be flexible with their needs as well.
  3. Schedule time outside of the bedroom. If you are looking for a quick and easy way to decide whether someone is “relationship material” or not, try to engage in activities outside the bedroom and in larger groups like a coffee date or a movie night. This will allow you to see one another in a new light.
  4. Test your communication strength. A recent article published in Personal Relationships found that couples who communicated efficiently and collaboratively reported higher levels of relationship satisfaction. Take some time to test your teamwork and joint problem-solving abilities. If you find yourself clicking on a deeper level, this may indicate to both of you that there’s more to this partnership than the physical element.

Remember, it is never a good idea to use sex as a means to artificially propel your relationship to the next level. Try your best to let things happen naturally, and err on the side of patience rather than progression.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is Make-Up Sex Really Useful?

— Make-up sex is a resource widely used in the world of fiction. Indeed, both cinema and literature regularly use it in their productions. However, what happens in reality? Is it good or bad?

By Sara González Juárez

Make-up sex is a really popular concept and is commonly found in books and movies. A couple argues, tempers flare, and they end up in bed together.

Some people even claim that this sex is better than ‘normal’. How is this possible? After all, surely love and passion shouldn’t be compatible with shouting and insults?

Here, we’ll review this subject in depth, since it’s a commonly asked question.

Make-up sex

Make-up sex usually occurs after a severe argument. It’s extremely passionate sex and those who’ve experienced it affirm that their intense feelings of anger are mixed with those of love for their partner.

In fact, it’s the intense nature of this practice that makes many couples consider that the experience of sex is better after a conflict. Unsurprisingly, make-up sex is more common in unstable relationships.

Another reason why couples look favorably on having sex in the middle of an argument is that the sexual encounter changes their prevailing feelings, especially if they’ve been generated by a minor conflict. In effect, it creates a sense of closure, that the problem that, at the end of the day, wasn’t worth arguing over, has been fixed.

Is make-up sex helpful?

The real question is: is sex really a good way to end an argument? Let’s try to find the answer.

It’s often used to ask for forgiveness

Sex serves as a rapprochement tool for some couples. That’s because, after an argument, an emotional gap is created between both partners. Often, pride is a stone on the road to reconciliation and sex can help with this.

However, the negative connotation of this practice is that, as feelings of love and reconciliation emerge, the official apology is often ignored. This can create issues later for some couples.

Make-up sex can make things worse

Sex doesn’t always go well. This is no one’s fault and you can always stop and continue at another time. That said, if you start having sex after a fight and it doesn’t turn out to be satisfactory, it’s likely to make the situation even worse.

It could become a problem in itself

If having sex during arguments becomes a habit, it’s possible that you start to normalize it as a way of solving problems. In fact, some couples end up arguing to maintain their relationships. Or, they only have sex after an argument.

In most cases, this ends up in issues being put on hold. Consequently, they’re not dealt with and become chronic. Couples can also fall into unhealthy dynamics, such as using sex to mask their negative feelings.

It doesn’t make the conflict disappear

While it’s true that passion, as opposed to arguing, can make you forget the conflict momentarily, it won’t magically disappear.

Even if things have calmed down, returning to the conflict is unpleasant for many people. Indeed, it usually causes the entrenchment of problems in relationships.

The possibilities of make-up sex

Despite the dangers that make-up sex may entail, it can be a valid tool in resolving interpersonal conflicts.

Sometimes, couples have arguments about issues that aren’t really important. For example, something that one of them did in the past that’s no longer relevant as they’ve both recognized it as a mistake. In these cases, problems can arise when the sexual act replaces conversation and the search for solutions. On the other hand, the release of tension and the intimacy associated with the sexual encounter can facilitate the resolution of the conflict.

Make-up sex helps to calm the spirits and clear the mind. Therefore, partners can have a calm conversation that starts from positive feelings.

Finally, as in other matters of couples and sex: whether a practice is good or not depends on the variables of the context. Moreover, what works for some doesn’t work for others. Therefore, every couple must find the best way of solving their problems, either with or without sex.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Can a monogamous couple happily become nonmonogamous?

— It’s possible but not easy, experts say.

Exploring ethical nonmonogamy isn’t always easy for couples who have been monogamous in the past.

By Ian Kerner

Can a monogamous couple become nonmonogamous? Of course, they can — but do these couples survive and thrive? What are the pitfalls and what are the pleasures?

More and more I’m seeing couples in my practice of all ages who have always been in monogamous relationships but now are seriously thinking about opening up their relationships. They are young couples just starting out, couples with young kids and a mortgage, and empty nesters looking to find their wings.

The reasons for taking the leap vary. Often one or both partners may be feeling sexually dissatisfied in the primary relationship — it may be boredom, mismatched libidos or a desire to explore new horizons. Sometimes there’s a hunger for the excitement and energy that come when people first connect with someone new. It’s also possible one or both partners don’t believe in monogamy. For some couples, sex has always been an issue, even though the rest of the relationship works.

No matter the reason, interest in nonmonogamy — participation in nonexclusive sexual relationships — is on the rise. In a 2020 study of 822 currently monogamous people by Kinsey Institute research fellow Justin Lehmiller, nearly one-third said that having an open relationship was their favorite sexual fantasy, and 80% wanted to act on it.

What happens if your relationship starts off as monogamous, and you or your partner change your mind? That doesn’t have to doom your relationship, Lehmiller said. “Research suggests that relationship quality is actually quite similar in monogamous and consensually nonmonogamous relationships,” he said. “Both relationship styles can work well — and both can fail, too.”

I believe the key to successful nonmonogamy is in one word: consensual. Known as ethical nonmonogamy, this approach is different from monogamous relationships in which partners cheat on each other. An ethically nonmonogamous relationship involves two people who identify as a couple but who are not committed to a traditional relationship, according to sexologist Yvonne Fulbright.

“They’ve given each other the opportunity to date or have sex with other people independently,” said Fulbright, who is based in Iceland. “Often a key component in these relationships working out is that the other relationship is only sexual, not romantic or emotional. There’s no deception about engaging in sex with others.”

Some couples may find ethical nonmonogamy easier than others. That includes those who have discussed the possibility of an open relationship from the beginning as well as LGBTQ couples. “In my experience, gay and queer couples have more ease with nonmonogamy,” New York-based sex therapist Dulcinea Alex Pitagora said.

“They’ve had to do more introspection and communication around their sexual or gender identity,” Pitagora said. “This additional time spent understanding who they are, what they want, and learning how to communicate it dovetails very smoothly into communicating about nonmonogamy.”

For couples who choose to open their relationships ethically, there can be benefits. “Nonmonogamy can be fulfilling and a catalyst for self-growth,” Wisconsin-based sex therapist Madelyn Esposito said. “This self-growth can deepen understanding and desire for your primary partner as you have the space to explore yourself and your own sexual needs outside of relational confines.”

In an open relationship there is often less pressure to have all your sexual needs met from your partner, Florida-based sex therapist Rachel Needle said. “And there is less pressure on you to meet all of your partner’s sexual needs. This gives you the opportunity to enjoy sexual activity with your partner but do it without added tension or anxiety.”

Sometimes the heat generated outside the bedroom even finds its way back into the primary relationship. “Many nonmonogamous folks find that partner variety revs up their libido, and that this transfers over into increased sex in the primary relationship,” Lehmiller said. “Something else we’ve found in our research is that, beyond sex, these relationships can also mutually reinforce each other. Specifically, being more satisfied with a secondary partner actually predicts being more committed to the primary partner.”

But making the leap into ethical nonmonogamy isn’t always easy for couples who have been historically monogamous. Often, one partner is “driving,” and the other is a reluctant passenger going along for the ride. Sometimes a couple can’t agree on what constitutes nonmonogamy (casual sex with different people versus repeatedly seeing one person), or they can’t agree on rules (posting a profile online, staying overnight, bringing someone home, no kissing).

One partner might be worried about the social stigma if others find out or just can’t get beyond all the cultural messaging that idealizes monogamy. Nonmonogamy can trigger strong feelings such as jealousy and possessiveness. “Even bringing it up as a curiosity can feel threatening to some couples/partners,” Fulbright said.

What should you consider if ethical nonmonogamy is on your mind?

There are any number of positive motivators for couples to try nonmonogamy, but what you don’t want to do is rely on nonmonogamy to slap a Band-Aid on existing problems. “Using nonmonogamy to fix a relationship is as effective as having a baby to fix a relationship — it’s a terrible idea,” said Rebecca Sokoll, a psychotherapist in New York City. “You need a strong and healthy relationship to make the transition to nonmonogamy.”

Don’t do it to distance yourself from your partner. “Ethical nonmonogamy can also be a defense mechanism, a delay tactic, a hide-and-seek game and an aversion to closeness,” said Minnesota-based psychotherapist Hanna Zipes Basel, who specializes in this area. “I see couples succeed when they enter nonmonogamy with an already secure functioning relationship, when they are both equally desiring nonmonogamy, and/or they have had prior experience or done their homework.”

“Get educated on the wide array of philosophies, structures and agreements that are possible in the ethical nonmonogamy world through books, podcasts and articles,” suggested sex therapist Sari Cooper, who directs the Center for Love and Sex in New York. “Journal about what each of you is looking for through this transition and discuss these goals with your partner to see if you’re on the same page and, if not, what overlaps or compromises might work.”

There’s no doubt that ethical nonmonogamy requires communication — and lots of it. “I suggest a ‘what if’ conversation before anyone takes anything into action,” Los Angeles-based sex therapist Tammy Nelson advised. “Talking about the potential positives as well as the pitfalls of a possible exploration can prevent problems that could come up later. The more you talk about the issues before they happen the better.”

A therapist experience in working with couples pursuing ethical nonmonogamy can help you weigh the potential pros and cons, guide you through the process and provide you with a neutral, safe space to discuss things.

Determine what ethical nonmonogamy looks like to you both and agree on your parameters — more rigid rules may be best when starting out — and plan to keep the conversation going.

“I see dozens of couples a year who come to therapy to try and negotiate their expectations in advance,” said Kimberly Resnick Anderson, a sex therapist in Los Angeles. “Couples who do their homework ahead of time have a much better success rate than couples who jump right in without preparation.

“Even couples who prep responsibly are often surprised by their reactions to certain situations and need to renegotiate boundaries.”

In my professional experience, the couples who succeed at nonmonogamy often don’t require many rules at all, because they trust each other, prioritize the primary relationship and hold each other in mind throughout the process.

If ethical nonmonogamy doesn’t work for you — or leads to a breakup — that doesn’t mean it’s a loss. “Consider a couple with children who, without ethical nonmonogamy, would have split up, and for whom nonmonogamy stabilizes their relationship,” New Jersey-based sex therapist Margie Nichols said.

“Eventually, that stability doesn’t last, but ethical nonmonogamy allows the couple to uncouple consciously and take time with the process,” Nichols said. “Because of the thoughtfulness, the family can remain living together or near each other and still love and care for each other, and there is no bitterness or rancor between the two. I’d call that a success — despite divorce.”

In the end, couples who succeed are fiercely committed to their primary relationship: They protect it, cherish it and care for it. They ensure that their foundation is solid and secure, and they continue to grow and expand as a couple in ways beyond sex. Nonmonogamy may be an exciting new chapter for a couple, but it doesn’t mean the story of their relationship comes to an end. It should feel like an exciting beginning.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What People Get Wrong About Sexless Relationships

By Kelly Gonsalves

There are many reasons why sex gets so much attention when it comes to discussing a healthy relationship: It’s a uniquely connective experience where couples get to completely shed their walls, get playful with each other, and indulge in giving and receiving physical pleasure, all in a way that is (for monogamous folks) not shared with any other person.

That said, while sexual intimacy can certainly bring couples closer together, one of the biggest misconceptions—according to one licensed sex therapist we spoke with—is that healthy relationships require an active sex life.

It’s OK for couples to not be having sex.

“Relationships absolutely can survive without sex,” licensed sex therapist Shadeen Francis, LMFT, CST, recently told mbg.

In fact, while sex does offer many benefits, both for an individual’s well-being and for a relationship, that doesn’t mean relationships always suffer without it, or that a lack of sex is always a sign of trouble in the relationship. “Lots of relationships have extended periods without sex, circumstantially or intentionally, and are still fulfilling and sources of love and connection,” she says. “This can ebb and flow, or be a sustained context of the relationship.”

Here are some examples of situations where couples might have little to no sex without it being a relationship crisis, according to Francis:

  • When partners are long-distance or have opposing schedules
  • When a partner is ill or unwell and therefore unable to have sex comfortably and safely
  • When partners are tired or burned out
  • When partners may abstain from sex for religious or spiritual reasons
  • When one or both partners lose interest in it
  • As long as both partners are on the same page about it and are continuing to find other ways to enjoy intimacy together, Francis says it’s not inherently a problem if a couple puts sex on the backburner.

Sexless relationships can be healthy and fulfilling.

There’s a common assumption that sexless relationships are inherently unfulfilling, or at least less fulfilling than sexual ones. But that’s actually a big myth, according to Francis.

“Not everyone wants to have sex, and not all people consider sex to be an integral part of their partnerships,” she points out.

Of course, many people do have an innate desire for sex and see it as vital to their relationships, but it’s important to recognize that that’s not true for everyone. For example, ever heard someone say they could go the rest of their lives without ever having sex again? (Or maybe that’s you?) Some people really do experience little to no desire for sex—also known as asexuality. “Asexuality exists as an umbrella, and is an example of a group of people who may intentionally create relationships that have low or no partnered sex experiences,” says Francis.

While much research has demonstrated a connection between sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction 1 , it’s important to remember “sexual satisfaction” can mean vastly different things to different people and different couples. A couple might have one single, fabulous sexual encounter a year and not really feel a desire to do it any more frequently; that’s sexual satisfaction for them. Another couple might have sex every week, but one person wants it more often and the other finds the sex to be a chore. That’s probably a pretty unsatisfying sex life, despite the fact that they’re having frequent sex.

Likewise, for some couples, having little to no sex might actually be a pretty satisfying situation. As Francis puts it, “If both partners are in agreement to not have sex, then not having sex is not a problem and can bring people closer as they create the kind of relationship that honors their desires.”

And for the record, one 2017 study 2 found sexlessness in the past year had virtually no impact on an individual’s self-reported happiness—even among married people. People who had no sex in the past year reported being about as happy as those who had been sexually active. This isn’t to say that sex isn’t important to some people (it definitely is!), but it may not be as universally necessary to everyone, as we’re so often told.

The problem with compulsory sexuality.

Constant emphasis on how much sex couples are having and how to increase sexual frequency can contribute to what some experts refer to as compulsory sexuality.

Compulsory sexuality is that prevalent idea that all humans need sex and should be aspiring toward having an active sex life. In addition to invalidating the experiences of asexual people, compulsory sexuality can make everyone feel like there’s something wrong with them or their relationship if they’re not having a ton of sex.

“Societal pressure to have sex or have a certain amount of sex is harmful to everyone,” Francis points out. “It is disembodying and coercive to feel forced to have sex, and people feel the impact of that even when the pressure is coming from a cultural script.”

Some research backs this up, too: A 2015 study 3 found that when couples felt pressured to have more sex, the increased sexual frequency that resulted actually decreased their overall happiness in the relationship—and resulted in them feeling even less motivated to have sex.

That means that, if you’re pushing yourself to have more sex when you don’t actually authentically want that, it might just harm your relationship even further.

On the other hand, as Francis points out, feeling like your experience of desire is being honored and accepted exactly the way it is can actually help couples feel closer to each other as they co-create a mutually satisfying relationship.

Put simply, “If folks do not want to have more sex than they are having, that is to be celebrated,” she says.

The takeaway.

Here’s the long and short of it: If you’re having less sex than you (or your partner) would like, and it’s causing tension in the relationship, then the relationship will of course benefit from more intentionality and investment in this part of your lives.

But if you and your partner aren’t having sex, and neither of you has a problem with that, then there’s nothing to worry about. All those external voices around you telling you there’s something wrong if a couple doesn’t have an active sex life? Ignore them.

Sex isn’t mandatory for a healthy relationship. It’s up to you and your partner to decide what role it does—or doesn’t—play in your lives.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

 

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Taking a relationship break?

— These 9 expert-approved tips can help you make the most of your time apart

Keeping a journal during your break can help you discover whether the relationship still meets your needs

By Rebecca Strong

  • A relationship break offers space to explore things like compatibility, trust issues, or life stress.
  • Experts advise discussing break length, goals, and how you’ll keep in touch before you part ways.
  • To get insight during the break, reflect on needs, goals, and things you miss about your partner.

If you need some time apart from your partner but don’t feel ready to close the door on the relationship, you may find it helpful to take a break.

Relationship breaks are super common — and not just when dating: About 6%-18% of married couples have separated at some point.

Candace Kotkin-De Carvalho, a licensed social worker who works with couples, says some common reasons for needing a break include:

Trying to work through any relationship issues with your partner is always a good first step. But when no amount of discussion leads to a resolution, some space and time on your own may help you get some clarity on how to move forward.

The type of break you take — and how long it lasts — can vary, depending on your situation and specific needs. Ultimately, it’s all about finding what works best for you.

That said, these nine therapist-approved tips can help you make your break a productive one.

1. Choose an endpoint

Kalley Hartman, a licensed marriage and family therapist with extensive experience treating couples and Clinical Director of Ocean Recovery, suggests agreeing with your partner on how long the break should last.

The more complex your issues are, the longer your break may need to be. If your partner isn’t on board, you might consider a compromise like a shorter break, more frequent check-ins during the break, or temporary in-person visits.

2. Set clear expectations for the purpose of your break

De Carvalho advises clarifying what you both hope to get out of this time apart — and what you want from your relationship if you get back together.

For example, your goal for the break may involve figuring out changes you both need to make for the relationship to succeed, such as:

Whatever your expectations are, sharing them ahead of time can help you find a common goal to work toward — and a 2021 study involving older couples linked having more joint goals to higher relationship satisfaction.

3. Decide if — and how — you’ll communicate

Do you and your partner want to avoid texting each other, but schedule weekly phone calls to check in? Or would you prefer to cut off communication for the entirety of the break?

Hartman strongly advises discussing these types of things before taking some time apart.

You may also want to figure out if you’d like to keep certain subjects off-limits, like your relationship problems.

Lastly, Lola Noero, a licensed master social worker at Manhattan Therapy, suggests talking about how you’ll handle social media.

If you feel it will help create some mental distance, you might opt to temporarily unfollow or mute each other, or turn off notifications for each other’s posts.

4. Use this time for reflection

“Taking a break is an opportunity to focus on yourself and explore what you want out of the relationship,” Hartman says.

With that in mind, consider using this time to reflect upon your personal values, goals, and expectations. That way, when you reunite, you have a better chance of determining whether the relationship still serves your needs.

Tara McGrath, a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice, recommends using a journal to prompt this kind of reflection.

You might try journaling about:

  • Your goals for the break
  • How your feelings evolve over the course of the break
  • Your hopes and desires for how the relationship might change when you get back together

5. Set boundaries around dating

De Carvalho says it’s important to make sure you’re on the same page about dating other people during your break.

These boundaries can vary widely from relationship to relationship. A few important questions to ask each other:

  • Will you remain exclusive and avoid dating others completely?
  • Is it OK to go on dates, but not engage in physical intimacy with others?
  • Are you free to have sex with other people?

Hammering out these kinds of details ensures you’re both aware of what constitutes cheating during your break.

6. Set boundaries around mutual friends

If you and your partner have mutual friends or are close with each other’s family members, that’s another topic you’ll need to tackle before taking a break.

You may decide it’s OK to hang out with mutual friends together — or to ask mutual friends to avoid inviting you to the same events.

When it comes to family members, you might agree not to communicate with each other’s parents and siblings while on the break, unless an emergency comes up.

There’s no right or wrong here, but establishing some ground rules around what’s comfortable for both of you will minimize the risk of awkward or painful misunderstandings.

7. Make the most of your “me” time

While it’s totally natural to occasionally think about your partner or the relationship during the break, De Carvalho recommends focusing on yourself instead and making the most of your alone time.

“Take up new hobbies, meet with friends, or spend more time with family — re-engage with people and activities you may not have had much time for while in the relationship,” she says.

Aim to participate in activities that help you reconnect with parts of yourself that may have gone unfulfilled in the relationship.

For example:

  • If you’ve been yearning to tap into your creative side, consider taking a sculpting class or ask a friend to check out a photography exhibit with you.
  • If spending most of your time with your partner got in the way of your workouts, take a few trial classes at local gyms and studios to find a physical activity you enjoy.

8. Allow room for missing your partner

If you find yourself missing your partner during the break, that’s OK — in fact, it’s very normal, according to Megan Harrison, a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice and founder of Couples Candy.

When you feel lonely, Harrison recommends using that as a cue to turn inward and ask yourself what your life is currently missing. For instance, you may actually crave more quality time with friends or a job that allows you to connect with others more regularly.

9. Work with a couples counselor

If you and your partner want to make things work but can’t get past certain difficulties on your own, De Carvalho recommends seeking help from a professional.

Couples therapy provides a safe and supportive environment to:

  • Discuss emotionally-charged topics, like how to handle finances or whether to have kids.
  • Navigate and resolve any lingering concerns, like communication breakdowns, problematic relationship dynamics, or unproductive behaviors during conflict.
  • Learn how to set boundaries and balance your needs with relationship needs.
  • Determine whether staying together is the best decision for both of you, according to Hartman.

Couples therapy can last as briefly as three sessions or as long as 20 sessions. The length, and the approach you choose, depend entirely on your goals and the issues you want to address.

However long it lasts, couples therapy can do a lot of good — over three-quarters of couples say their relationship improved after counseling, according to the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (AAMFT).

If you suspect personal challenges — like attachment issues — are getting in the way of a healthy relationship, it could also help to try individual therapy during your break.;

Insider’s takeaway

Taking a break from your relationship can help you gain some insight into your needs and expectations, work through personal issues, or reassess whether your partner is a good fit for you.

Just know there’s no one-size fits all approach to taking a successful break. Only you and your partner can determine how to make it work — but defining a clear intent for your break offers a great place to start.

Keep in mind that there are some differences no amount of discussion may resolve — for instance, if one of you wants kids and the other doesn’t. In these cases, you might need some time to determine whether you can still move forward in the relationship.

However, the more expectations and ground rules you can set when it comes to exclusivity, the length of the break, and how much you’d like to communicate, the more likely you’ll benefit from your time apart.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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This Yes-No-Maybe List Can Help Couples Explore Their Wildest Sexual Fantasies

— If one of your goals for the new year is to rev up your intimate life, consider one popular activity often recommended by sex therapists to couples looking to explore their desires: the Yes/No/Maybe list.

By Kelly Gonsalves

The Yes/No/Maybe list.

The Yes/No/Maybe list is an activity designed to help partners explore and share their erotic interests, including what they’d be curious about trying, what they already know they love from past experiences, and what’s a no-go. It’s perfect for couples or any set of sexual partners interested in learning about each other’s fantasies and seeing what overlapping areas of interest exist between them.

So, how does it work?

First, each of you will get your own individual copy of a lonnnng list of sexual activities, fantasies, kinks and fetishes, accessories, and more. There are lots of versions of this on the internet (we link some of our faves below), but some possible line items that might appear on the list include:

  • Anal sex
  • Pegging
  • Fingering
  • Dirty talk
  • Sexting
  • Making videos
  • Threesomes: FFM
  • Threesomes: MMF
  • Group sex
  • Public sex
  • Mutual masturbation
  • Spanking
  • Biting
  • Choking someone
  • Being choked
  • Bondage: being tied up
  • Bondage: tying someone else up
  • Role playing
  • Outdoor sex
  • Double penetration
  • Erotic massage
  • Watching porn together
  • Watching porn alone
  • Vibrators
  • Cock rings
  • Swallowing cum
  • Period sex
  • Food play
  • Foot play
  • Handcuffs
  • Cuckolding

The list goes on! And it can get detailed.

Next to each item, you’ll have the opportunity to write in your own personal interest level:

  1. Yes (I’m into it or willing to try it)
  2. No (Not for me/not open to it)
  3. Maybe (I could be interested with more conversation, information, and/or in a specific situation).

Some versions of the Yes/No/Maybe list—like this one from AASECT-certified sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman, M.A., CST—also feature a fourth option: Open to fantasizing about it, but not actually doing it IRL. (Which is an important and often helpful distinction, “because many people are aroused by the idea of certain acts but wouldn’t want to actually do it,” she tells mbg.)

Each person will fill out their copy of the list separately and in private—and the privacy is key here, because you want to feel open to answer totally honestly, without feeling influenced by the way your partner reacts to a certain line item.

After you each complete the worksheet by yourselves, that’s when you’ll then come together to review your responses together and look for areas of overlap where you can explore together if you so choose.

Why sex therapists love it.

The activity is often recommended by sex therapists because it allows partners to easily get to know each other’s most intimate desires, exposes them to new ideas they may not have considered but find intriguing, and gives them an easy way to bring up a kinky interest that perhaps they haven’t been able to talk about thus far.

“I think these are wonderful tools to explore erotic interests, but they are even better to open conversation,” Zimmerman adds.

That is, in addition to being a great source of inspiration, perhaps the biggest benefit of the Yes/No/Maybe list is that it simply opens up the lines of communication.

Couples can sometimes go years without ever meaningfully talking about their sex life, and it does them a great disservice. We know from research that people who talk more about sex tend to have more satisfying sex lives, whereas those who have less sexual communication tend to enjoy their sex life less, too.

“If neither partner knows what the other’s expectations, desires, or needs are around sex, there isn’t much chance of continually making it better,” AASECT-certified sex therapist Holly Richmond, Ph.D., LMFT, CST, previously told mbg. “Couples that talk about sex can have better, more exciting sex the longer they are in the relationship, which is exactly the opposite of what we’ve been told to believe, that sex gets worse or more boring the longer you are together.”

In other words, the key to a sustainably steamy sex life is being willing to sit down at talk about it. And if it’s not something you’ve been doing much of lately in your relationship? The Yes/No/Maybe list is one simple and pretty fun way to get started.

Tips for doing the activity as a couple.

Find a copy of the Yes/No/Maybe list that speaks to you. We love the one from Zimmerman linked above, or you could also try this one from AASECT-certified sex therapist Diana Sadat, RCC, CST, this one from sex educator Sunny Megatron, or any other you’re vibing with.

“I recommend people treat this exercise as a discussion starter, with curiosity and without judgement,” says Zimmerman. That includes judgment toward your partner and judgment toward yourself.

Exploring sexual interests with a partner can be an extremely fun activity, but it can also be vulnerable stuff. Stay open-minded and affirming with each other as you talk through your lists, while also being vocal about your boundaries and respectful about the other person’s.

(Remember: A relationship becomes safer, and feels all the closer and warmer, the more we’re able to say no to each other with ease. So celebrate each other’s “no”! It brings you closer every time you do.)

Also remember that none of this means you have to do anything on the list, Zimmerman reminds, no matter what you answered on the worksheet. Either way though, “you can talk about what is appealing about particular sexual activities (or what is not) and under what circumstances you’d find it interesting.”

The takeaway.

The Yes/No/Maybe list is a lighthearted, straightforward, yet eye-opening way to kick off a conversation with partners about the things that turn you both on.

Suggest the idea to your partner to see if they’d be interested in doing this on your next date night (feel free to shoot them the link to this article!), and then come into the activity together with open minds and a spirit of playful exploration. You’ll be sure to walk away with a good bit of inspo for where to go next.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Five signs your relationship is on the rocks

— Every couple has their ups and downs, but sometimes a relationship never recovers from a difficult period.

By

While processing conflict and working on your interactions is admirable, aiming to repair a dying relationship is a time-waster for everyone involved.

The key to sorting things out – whether that’s together or not – is seeing the signs you’ve reached the point of no return.

That allows you to go your separate ways if need be or come up with a game plan to change things if you see something worth salvaging; rip the plaster off and save yourselves the heartache later on.

According to sex and relationship therapist Lauren Consul, there are a few red flags that suggest you’re flogging a dead horse romantically.

If her warning signs read like a memoir of your partnership, it might be time to move on.

Getting stuck in the content during arguments

Lauren, 34, says that a clear sign your relationship is on the rocks can be seen in your arguments.

Are you getting to the root of the issue or focusing on surface level squabbles that go nowhere?

‘Two people can experience the same thing but feel completely differently about it,’ says Lauren.

‘If we get stuck in the “right sight” we are saying one person’s experience is valid and the other is not.’

Two Angry Man Fighting With Each Other. Disagreement.
Some couples can struggle to see the wood for the trees in disagreements

If disagreements are circular and you’re rowing about who did what and who’s in the right, you’re destined to become resentful as underlying causes fester unchecked.

Lauren adds: ‘The best way to overcome this is if we can take a pause and reflect on what we are hearing from our partner and validate them.’

Not taking responsibility

LA-based Lauren argues that couples for whom sorry is the hardest word may struggle long term.

When one partner won’t take responsibility, they place the success (or failure) of the relationship onto the other. For example, taking the ‘well if my partner would just change or do this differently, everything would be fine,’ approach to problems.

‘It is a lot easier to point the finger at our partner,’ comments Lauren. ‘But what you do impacts your partner which then impacts you – behaviours get reinforced.’

Losing curiosity for each other

As a relationship progresses, you’re naturally going to fall into certain routines and lose that ‘first flush of love’ feel.

However, if you’re no longer curious about your partner and assume you know them already, that’s a bad omen for your future.

Emotional Black Married Couple Having Reconciliation After A Fight.
Support and respect are cornerstones of a healthy partnership

Lauren says: ‘When we start dating, we ask lots of questions and are interested in each other, but over time we forgot or start presuming and stop asking our partner questions.

‘It is all about continuing to ask questions – how are they feeling? What are they thinking? And what their long-term goals are.’

As they say, the grass is greenest where you water it most, so put the effort in like you did at the beginning to come back from the brink.

Words and actions that don’t align

When the trust is gone in a relationship, it’s difficult to get it back.

If one partner makes big promises but fails to follow through, the other can feel let down.

Saying ‘I love you’ but not showing it, for example, signifies that your words are meaningless. And building a relationship on a shaky foundation can lead to collapse.

‘The first step is awareness but that alone is not enough, we have to have motivation,’ Lauren says.

‘We need to start to recognise how these things are showing up in the relationship and why they are showing up and then we can shift it.’

Lack of support and teamwork

Lauren says that feeling like your partner doesn’t have your back can be the death knell for your relationship.

She explains: ‘A common one I see is that one partner will take the side of their mum or dad or even siblings over their partner – and that is really painful for people, as it is saying you are not my core family.

‘It is that transition of “we are in this together” – it is about coming together and understanding how you are feeling about this and how can we work on this.’

It’s imperative you approach things as a team; otherwise what’s the point of being together?

No couple is perfect, but support, trust, respect, and collaboration set apart those that go the distance from those that don’t.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!