Unless you’re talking about a campfire or stove, it’s time to stop worrying about “keeping the spark alive.”
Why it matters: Although pop culture and well-meaning friends may have told you that maintaining a “spark” is important for sustaining long-term romantic relationships, sex educator Emily Nagoski says that thinking is misguided.
Driving the news: Nagoski, who has bestsellers on women’s sexuality and burnout, today released “Come Together,” a science-backed book on intimacy in long-term marriages and partnerships.
She was inspired to write the book after experiencing a sexual lull with her husband, which many couples can relate to: In our high-stress lives, it’s normal to take breaks from sex.
Researchanddata on couples who have lasting sexual connections suggests that success has much more to do with friendship and prioritizing pleasure (and not spontaneous desire).
Some of Nagoski’s myth-busting tips about sexual connection:
Don’t worry about the “spark” and being in the mood all the time, Nagoski says.
Hyperfocusing on that could actually make you less open to intimacy.
Instead, successful couples like and admire each other, and believe they’re worth the effort of prioritizing intimacy.
Don’t be afraid to talk about sex with your partner. It doesn’t mean that something is wrong.
In fact, Nagoski says the contrary is true.
“The couples who have great long term sexual connections talk about sex all the time, the same way you talk about any hobby. [That’s] the way you make it great,” she says.
And note that a dry spell isn’t a dysfunction or sign that your relationship lacks love, Nagoski says, but it could be an indication that it’s time to assess what aspects of your life are hitting what she calls the sexual “brakes.”
Be open to planning intimacy.
It’s a misconception that scheduling sex means you don’t want it enough, Nagoski says.
“Our lives are complicated. My calendar is packed. If I didn’t put sex on the calendar, it would not happen, as it takes deliberately protecting space, time and energy to engage in this behavior,” she says.
Stop worrying about what other people are doing.
Nagoski refuses to answer the question, “How much sex does the average couple have?” — because “it’s impossible to hear the number and not judge yourself against it.” Plus, that doesn’t mean the sex is enjoyable, which is a much better measure of a healthy sex life.
But more to the point, she says: “What matters is whether or not you like the sex you are having.”
Instead of stressing over frequency, it’s better to focus on the context of when sex is desirable for you and your partner — there’s a good chance you may require different ways into a lusty mood, which Nagoski explains in her book.
Bottom line: In a long-term sexual relationship, what matters is that you trust each other, decide that sex is important, and prioritize the needs of your unique relationship, Nagoski says.
Consensual non-monogamy refers to a relationship structure in which all parties involved agree to engage in romantic, sexual or otherwise intimate relationships with multiple partners with the complete knowledge and consent of everyone involved. It encompasses various forms of non-monogamous arrangements, including but not limited to:
Polyamory. Having multiple, concurrent romantic and/or sexual relationships.
Open relationships. Sexual relationships with others outside of the primary partnership, while maintaining emotional commitment to each other.
Swinging. Romantically exclusive partners seek out shared sexual experiences with other individuals or couples. For instance, they may swap sexual partners with another couple.
Research shows that consensually non-monogamous relationships have similar levels of relationship quality and well-being as compared to monogamous relationships and it is natural to think about exploring them. However, there is still a significant amount of stigma and trepidation around entering such relationships. While bringing it up with a monogamous or long-term partner, you may encounter apprehension on their end or even have some questions about the process yourself.
Here are three common questions or fears that arise when considering consensual non-monogamy and how to navigate them.
1. Is Something Missing In Our Relationship?
Entering a non-monogamous relationship can bring up the question of whether there is something missing in the relationship, or even in oneself, and create uncertainty about a partner’s motivation for wanting to try a new arrangement.
However, it is possible to practice non-monogamy while still being in healthy and loving partnerships and the fundamental principle of this arrangement is that all parties involved are aware of the nature of the relationship, have given informed consent and willingly participate in it.
A 2022 survey revealed that two-thirds of Americans report fantasizing about having sex with other people and a third of partnered Americans would ideally like a certain degree of openness in their relationship as long as their primary relationship wouldn’t be compromised, highlighting that this desire is more common than we think.
Research shows that desiring consensual non-monogamy does not necessarily signal relationship problems and could instead be related to pursuing individual and relational well-being, exploring one’s sexuality or sexual fantasies, seeking personal growth, autonomy and novel experiences. Sex researcher Zhana Vrangalova of New York University explains that the human needs for security and companionship can co-exist with the need for novelty, exploration and experience-seeking, rather than competing with them.
Reflecting on your motivation to explore consensual non-monogamy and communicating it clearly to your partner, along with creating an agreement of boundaries, levels of disclosure about other partners, regular relationship check-ins and mutual relationship goals can create an arrangement that is comfortable and reaffirming for all parties.
2. What Will People Think Of Us?
The fear of being ostracized by others is not unfounded, as consensual non-monogamists might be perceived as promiscuous, making excuses for infidelity, less satisfied in their relationships or immoral.
Research shows that consensual non-monogamists often experience erasure of their identity and have to engage in disproportionate emotional labor to be understood in interpersonal relationships. A 2022 study further highlighted the expressions of disapproval, loss of resources, threatening behaviors, character devaluation and relationship devaluation they face.
Additionally, the external stigma and societal idealization of monogamy can become internalized and multi-partnered individuals consequently struggle with feeling that their desires are unnatural and experience psychological distress.
Researchers suggest that unlearning internalized bias, selectively disclosing relationship configurations in safe spaces and seeking support from peers and allies are all important coping tools to navigate this stigma.
3. Will This Change Our Relationship?
The anticipation of drama, jealousy and relationship conflicts deter people from considering consensual non-monogamy even if they are inclined to it. A 2022 study found that those who are more apprehensive about non-monogamy display more “zero-sum thinking” about relationships, referring to the notion that one person’s gain comes at another’s expense. These beliefs lead to viewing non-monogamy as diminishing resources within the primary relationship, such as time, financial support and sexual access to each other.
A 2020 study found that consensual non-monogamists could experience greater sexual satisfaction, especially with a defined and mutually agreed upon goal to address their sexual incompatibilities, without affecting individual life satisfaction or relationship quality with their primary partner.
Vrangalova suggests taking baby steps toward non-monogamy when you are starting out and talking about sexual fantasies rather than shying away from them. “Opening up” the relationship also does not have to physically involve another person.
“You can invite what I like to call the ‘shadow of the third’ into your relationship through shared fantasies, conversations, shared porn consumption, going to ‘play parties’ but maybe to watch and trying out apps that specialize in non-monogamous connections,” suggests Vrangalova.
It is essential to remember that your relationship dynamic is completely up to the two of you and you can set the ground rules together. An honest, open dialogue to address concerns, feelings and needs can help create the experience you both desire.
Non-monogamy has been practiced in some circles for a long time, but recently, there’s been more curiosity about the topic.
According to Google data, the term “ethical non-monogamy” has seen more than a 250% increase in search traffic over the past year. A 2020 YouGov poll of 1,300 U.S. adults found that a third of respondents say their ideal relationship is non-monogamous to a degree. And more than 20% of single Americans have engaged in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lives, per a 2017 study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy.
“It’s not just a new fad,” polyamory educator Leanne Yau told HuffPost. “People have been doing non-monogamy for a very long time. I think people are just talking about it more now.”
So what does it mean exactly? Non-monogamy is an umbrella term that encompasses various relationship styles that are not sexually and/or romantically exclusive between two people.
Sarah Stroh, a non-monogamous writer and creator behind the @monogamish_me Instagram account, described it to HuffPost as: “Any relationship structure that is consensually and openly non-monogamous, meaning either — or more likely both — partners in a couple have romantic and/or sexual contact with people other than each other.”
You may have come across the term “ethical non-monogamy,” sometimes referred to as “ENM.” The word “ethical” has been used to differentiate these kinds of relationships — where all parties have talked about and agreed to the arrangement — from ones where cheating is happening.
“It’s not just a new fad. People have been doing non-monogamy for a very long time. I think people are just talking about it more now.”
– Leanne Yau, polyamory educator
But some experts take issue with the term, said Zachary Zane, a sex columnist and sex expert for Archer, a new dating app for queer men. In his book “Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto,” he explains the pushback from researchers, educators and activists in the space about use of the word “ethical.”
“They don’t like the term ‘ethical’ because it implies that non-monogamy is inherently unethical. Why else would you feel compelled to preface with ‘ethical’?” he writes in the book.
“It also holds non-monogamy to an unfair, higher standard than monogamy. Monogamous people constantly lie and cheat on their partners, and they don’t have to preface their behaviors with [being] ethical or unethical, so why do non-monogamous folks? Then, of course, many ENM relationships are not ethical. You can absolutely still be a piece of shit even when practicing ENM.”
Instead, many people prefer terms like “consensual non-monogamy” (CNM) or just “non-monogamy.”
There are four main types of non-monogamous relationships.
Some of the common relationship structures that fall under the non-monogamous umbrella include monogamish, swinging, open relationships and polyamory.
“Things can be very fluid between them, but broadly, I see them falling into four types,” Yau said.
Monogamish is a term that was coined by sex and relationships writer and podcast host Dan Savage, and refers to a predominantly monogamous relationship in which “sexual activity outside the relationship is seen as the exception rather than the norm,” Yau said.
“So, that might look like having a threesome on special occasions, or occasionally going to a sex party. Or if there’s a kink that you want to explore, telling your partner and then finding someone to indulge that with,” she explained.
Swinging is when couples have sexual experiences with multiple partners, typically (but not always) as a unit. It often involves swapping partners or engaging in group sex, among other types of sexual play.
“Swinging is something that couples do together, as in they sleep with other people together, and they engage with other singles and/or couples. So that might look like threesomes, foursomes, orgies, sex parties, that kind of thing,” said Yau, noting that the term “swinger” has fallen out of favor to a degree. Some people, especially those in younger generations, may prefer to say they’re part of “the lifestyle” instead.
An open relationship is typically one that is sexually non-monogamous, but romantically monogamous. (Previously, however, people used the term as a catch-all to describe any non-monogamous relationship, Yau noted.)
“So when someone says that they are in an open relationship, I take that to mean that they are only romantically dating one person, but both of them can have casual sex with other people, either separately or together, on the side,” Yau said.
Polyamory is the only form of non-monogamy “where you not only have sexual non-exclusivity, but also romantic non-exclusivity,” Yau said. In other words, you’re part of multiple loving relationships at the same time. This stands in contrast to the other non-monogamous relationships described above in which everything outside of the primary relationship is “kept strictly sexual or casual, however you define that,” Yau explained.
Many common assumptions about non-monogamy aren’t true.
Non-monogamy may be gaining traction but is still very much at odds with our monogamous cultural norms. Stigma and misunderstandings about these types of relationships persist. One common misconception: Non-monogamous relationships aren’t serious or lasting.
“My partner of over three years and I are non-monogamous and expecting a child in January,” Stroh said. “Non-monogamy is not just a phase or a structure for people who want something casual.”
Zane echoed a similar sentiment: “There’s this notion that ENM, specifically polyamory, isn’t sustainable long-term, meaning eventually, you and your partner(s) will break up,” he said. “Needless to say, that isn’t the case. There are poly folks who’ve been with their partners for decades.”
Some people mistakenly believe non-monogamy is cheating, which it’s not. In non-monogamous relationships, everyone should be aware, engaged and “enthusiastically participating,” Yau said. Honest communication, established guidelines and recurring check-ins are foundational here, just as they are in any healthy relationship.
“Non-monogamous relationships, just like monogamous relationships, require that everyone be aware and consenting,” Yau said. “It’s not the same as going behind someone else’s back and just kind of doing your own thing and having multiple partners without anyone knowing.”
“My partner of over three years and I are non-monogamous and expecting a child in January. Non-monogamy is not just a phase or a structure for people who want something casual.”
– Sarah Stroh, a non-monogamous writer
Another common misconception is that non-monogamy is just a last-ditch effort for couples trying to save their marriage.
“Of course, there are some folks who do attempt ENM as their relationship is failing, and the vast majority of the time, it does not save the relationship,” Zane said. “But that’s not the majority of folks who are ENM.”
In fact, if your relationship is in a bad place, introducing non-monogamy is probably only going to make matters worse, Yau said.
“Because non-monogamy requires quite a lot of security and confidence and trust in your partner in order to engage with it in a sustainable and healthy way,” she said. “A relationship that is on its way towards ending anyway is probably not going to be the best fit for that.”
Monogamous people may also assume that non-monogamous people are just inherently less jealous, which isn’t necessarily true.
“Non-monogamous folks are still human,” Zane said. “We still get jealous. We just — hopefully — address it better. Instead of lashing out at our partners, we admit that we’re feeling jealous and insecure, attempt to figure out the root of the jealousy and work together to find a solution.”
There also tends to be this assumption that at least one person in a non-monogamous relationship is being pushed into it against their will.
“Meaning, one partner would prefer to be monogamous but ‘can’t get their partner to commit to them,’” Stroh said. “Of course, these things are true sometimes for people who claim they are polyamorous, but it’s often not the case.”
This perception that one partner is being dragged into it and crying themselves to sleep every night is “really unfair,” Yau said.
“It portrays non-monogamous people as being selfish or toxic or abusive when we’re not interested in dating monogamous people, for the most part,” Yau said. “We want other people who fully accept and validate us and our desires.”
— I have no moral objection to infidelity. For me, sex is just sex.
By Kate Bailey
He and I had been friends in graduate school in New Orleans for seven months when we had sex for the first time. He was engaged at the time to someone else who lived in a different state. It was Mardi Gras, and the attraction he and I had for each other, combined with multiple beers, had exploded into consensual and sloppy intercourse.
Our mutual attraction had been evident for a while. Before Thanksgiving, we had walked along Lake Pontchartrain near my apartment and delicately talked around the issue. I took a submissive position; someone else had gotten to him first and there was nothing I could do about that. I would not try to break up his relationship.
But I told him as straightforwardly as I could that I had no moral objection to infidelity. That was the only way I could think to phrase it. Sex was just sex. I was basically communicating that if he wanted to have sex with me, I was going to enthusiastically approve.
I quickly mentioned that what did matter to me was his ability to take care of two women’s feelings at the same time. He looked down at his boots and said that he probably wouldn’t be able to do that.
Wrong answer, I thought.
But our attraction was so intense that we ignored the potential problems. We were already ignoring the fact that he was leaving the next day to go meet his fiancée. I reiterated my point about taking care of two women’s feelings, hoping he would understand it better and retroactively concur. Instead, he took it as me concluding that we should keep our pants on, and he closed the discussion.
“We shouldn’t,” he said.
Using the word “shouldn’t” instead of “can’t” or “won’t” only made our copulation seem more inevitable.
A few days after our Mardi Gras sex, he said he didn’t regret it but that we couldn’t do it again. Over the following two years we had sex sporadically, and unethically, in that his fiancée didn’t know about it. Each time, he would inform me a few days after that we shouldn’t do it again.
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None of this made sense to me. We enjoyed doing it — why the constant back and forth? I never expected him to leave his fiancée, but I did expect a certain amount of corroboration about reality.
This scenario also had me constantly questioning myself. Why didn’t I have any objection to infidelity? Why did it feel so natural sharing a man with another woman? Why did monogamy feel like the wrong option?
He and his fiancée never got married. I moved away. But we stayed close. It’s been almost a decade since graduate school, and he and I have not lived in the same state since. He has a partner and a family. I have a budding career in television and a busy social life. The last time we had sex was five years ago. (Ethically, that time!)
A while back, I texted him to see if he wanted to chat on the phone. I love talking on the phone and ask for it often. It was Monday. He said he was visiting his ill father but could do Friday. I agreed, but come Friday, he forgot. The business of travel and baby-needs and parental role-reversal had pushed me to the back of his mind. A lapse in care happens in all types of relationships. Someone’s feelings get hurt because there was a plan and someone else forgot. It’s normal.
But in these moments, with us, the level of effort needed to fix it can become confusing for the monogamist. If this scenario had happened with a wife, maybe there would be a short fight, followed by Uber Eats and a “Below Deck” binge. If this scenario had happened with a girlfriend, then perhaps flowers would be best to soothe the hurt. If it was with a friend, maybe just a recommitment to plans and a promise not to forget again.
But when he and I have a conflict or a disagreement, we can sometimes get jammed up trying to resolve it. Because I don’t use labels, and because he doesn’t know how to label me, it becomes easy for him to regress to a familiar scenario: I’m the side piece and he’s the unavailable object of my desire.
This impulse normally only lasts a moment while we untangle what it is we’re stuck on. And I don’t hold it against him. It’s hard to have a relationship with someone like me who doesn’t dress up her partners as recognizable personas. The anarchy makes people uncomfortable.
To me, all relationships are like those paper dolls we had as children. The figures are in their underwear and then you put different clothes on them for different occasions. The base level is the figure laid bare. The base level is vulnerability and intimacy. It doesn’t matter how you dress it up — mistress, relative, friend, girlfriend, husband, lover — the base stays the same. And if the base is good, it’s easy to understand how someone can start off in one set of clothes and end up in another. Some time ago, I just stopped using the clothes to label my relationships.
On the day he forgot to call me, he immediately apologized. When I told him my feelings were hurt, he speculated that it’s probably because I’m not satisfied with what he’s giving me.
Which took me back to that day at Lake Pontchartrain, wondering again if he, or anyone, can take care of two people’s feelings simultaneously.
So, I really considered it.
Is it possible that, in this case, his assessment was right? Is satisfaction a security that I don’t allow myself by living my life this way?
For most people, monogamy means that to have an intimate relationship with a different person, you must end the current relationship before you can start another. One at a time, that’s the rule.
He has had three long-term partners since I have known him. If I had to wait until he had no other partner, we would have missed out on this relationship, which is 90 percent TV jokes and “Mad Men” quotes. We never would have the pride it brings each of us when we make the other laugh out loud. Or argue about a movie one of us hates and the other adores. Or the gossip we share about people we know in theater.
He has listened to me cry about my career, which I never do with anyone else. I have talked him through his body insecurities and am able to successfully assure him that he’s still attractive. We push each other in our creative ambitions. I send him details of celebrity encounters, and he keeps me full of baby pictures.
And we fight. I make biting comments that are sometimes too sharp. He doesn’t text enough. He’s avoidant. I’m prickly, and bratty. He’s envious. I say the wrong thing. I brag too much. He’s neurotic. Actually, we’re both neurotic.
In other words, a regular relationship.
After considering his comment, I arrived back to where I normally live. I am no more satisfied and no less satisfied than I would be if I followed a more traditional relationship model. Dressing the doll up might make things more comfortable at times, but it wouldn’t be true to our experience. And if the price we must pay is occasionally having to think hard about it to make sure it’s still working — well, I’m willing to pay that small price.
I haven’t believed in monogamy since the grad school experience with him. It sent me down a path that has informed my life ever since. It means that I never think about romantic relationships in an aspirational way. It means that I get to keep my relationships with men and women for a long time, after the sex has dwindled, or as the connection morphs in and out of romance. It means that I get more than “just being friends with an ex.” It means the intimacy that I have with others blooms in a natural way.
I enjoy having diverse relationships, because that is the reality for so many people, even when they have no words to explain them. Many of those who are unconventional don’t have anyone to look to for answers. As a relationship anarchist, I have a responsibility to reflect unconventional truths and challenge social norms. It’s difficult to question relationship models that have been in our society for centuries, but if we don’t start talking about it openly, it will never get easier.
I’m a non-monogamous woman in many different relationships. He and I are still partners in life. Just not the way that most people understand partners, or life.
Sexual passion refers to the sexual desire individuals experience either independently or with a partner. It encompasses the intense emotional and physical attraction, excitement and arousal partners often feel towards each other in romantic or sexual relationships.
Sexual passion can vary in intensity and importance for different individuals and relationships. In relationships where mutual sexual desire holds significant importance, one’s “sexual passion style” has a vital influence on the well-being of the relationship.
A 2019 study suggests that there are three types of sexual passion that affect individuals and relationship outcomes in distinct ways. Here they are, along with their unique consequences for relationships.
1. Obsessive Sexual Passion
Obsessive sexual passion represents an intense preoccupation with sexual thoughts and desires, potentially to the detriment of other aspects of a relationship. Individuals with this style may prioritize sexual attraction and fulfillment over emotional connection, which can lead to relationship conflicts or dissatisfaction.
Here, an individual’s behaviors and sexual motivations feel externally controlled rather than driven by internal values, desires or autonomy. Often, the sexual norms or scripts they follow are shaped by environmental influences rather than authentic personal preferences. Such individuals may feel controlled by their sexual passion rather than in control of it. Unsurprisingly, the obsessive sexual passion style has been associated with compulsive levels of pornography consumption.
2. Inhibited Sexual Passion
Like the obsessive style, inhibited sexual passion is also primarily determined by external influences. This style is characterized by a suppression or inhibition of sexual desires and thoughts.
Individuals with inhibited sexual passion styles may experience difficulty or discomfort expressing their sexual needs or desires due to personal insecurities, societal pressures or past negative experiences. For instance, their sexual passion may be controlled by a fear of rejection or sexual stigma as a result of their upbringing. This inhibition can lead to a lack of sexual fulfillment and potentially strain relationship dynamics.
3. Harmonious Sexual Passion
Harmonious sexual passion signifies a healthy, balanced integration of sexual passion within a relationship. Unlike obsessive and inhibited types, this style is based on internal motivations while experiencing a strong desire for intimacy and connection with one’s partner.
Individuals with harmonious sexual passion styles view sexuality positively, are comfortable with and open about their desires while being respectful and attentive to their partner’s boundaries and preferences. The emphasis here is on a mutually satisfying sexual connection that complements the emotional bond within a relationship without becoming overpowering or detrimental.
Research shows that harmonious sexual passion is associated with lower levels of impulsivity and shyness. This style emerges when individuals consciously choose and internalize sexual norms, values and scripts that align with their sense of self.
Why Harmonious Sexual Passion Is The Best Kind
A harmonious sexual passion style is the healthiest approach for couples as it is driven by self-awareness, true consent and mutual respect. The understanding of one’s own sexuality and sexual desires makes sexual intimacy an empowering activity rather than a space of limited personal agency.
Additionally, researchers of the 2019 study found that harmonious sexual passion is consistently associated with higher levels of sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction, whereas inhibited and obsessive styles are associated with comparatively lower levels of both.
A 2022 study also found that in relationships where men had an obsessive style and perceived their partner as being inhibited, both partners experienced lower levels of sexual satisfaction and negative relationship outcomes.
Notably, according to a 2020 study, higher levels of obsessive and inhibited sexual passion are linked to insecure attachment styles, which refer to patterns of relationship behavior and emotional responses characterized by difficulties in forming trusting and stable connections with others. Research findings indicate that attachment insecurity is associated with lower levels of sexual satisfaction, while demonstrating that harmonious sexual passion is connected to reduced levels of insecure attachment.
Research also suggests that obsessive sexual passion is associated with a tendency for infidelity, an inability to delay gratification, instances of aggression, jealous behavior and intrusive thoughts about sex. In contrast, harmonious passion is associated with experiencing flow states, positive emotions, a higher quality of interpersonal relationships, mental flexibility and a lack of defensiveness or inner conflict.
Conclusion
A harmonious sexual passion style allows individuals to experience personal autonomy and express sexual desire based on internal value systems rather than conditioned attitudes that are not entirely their own. Cultivating harmonious sexual passion requires inner reflection as well as open communication with a partner regarding values, beliefs and desires related to sexuality. It is also essential to prioritize emotional intimacy and connection outside of sexual activities. This harmony not only enhances sexual satisfaction but also contributes to a healthier attachment style, fostering personal growth and laying the foundation for mutually fulfilling and enduring relationships.
If you and your significant other suddenly feel a bit distant—whether it’s due to a post-honeymoon dip in excitement or the wedge of chaotic work schedules—it’s easy to spiral about the relationship’s fate, and Google: How long is too long to go without sex? There, you’ll find plenty of articles that attempt to answer your question—including this one—but the reality is, there is no way to hack to the nuanced form of connection that is human sexuality.
Sex is one of the most universal pillars of well-being and relationships. It contributes to emotional intimacy, bonding, and “overall life satisfaction,” explains Juliana Hauser, Ph.D., a sex and marriage therapist and member of Kindra’s Advisory Board. However, the importance of sex—and what it looks like—varies among individuals and couples.
Still, with the help of experts, we took our best crack at better understanding dry spells, not wanting sex, or even wanting sex at different times. Keep reading for tips on how to enhance sexual connection, and to for our answer the ever-elusive existential question:
How long is too long without sex in a relationship?
“I don’t believe there’s a universal timeline,” says Hauser. “Every relationship is unique, and factors like life changes, overall stress, time constraints, physical and mental health, and communication styles, among many other factors, all play into the opportunity and desire for sexual connection.”
As a sex and relationship therapist, Hauser adds that she’s seen a variety of timelines work for her clients. “If there is mutual satisfaction within the relationship, there’s no arbitrary time frame that defines a healthy sexual connection,” she says.
On the flip side, Tatiana Rivera, L.I.C.S.W., a clinical and social work therapist with ADHDAdvisor.org says if she had to put parameters around it, on average, a “dry spell” could be defined as going without sex or any form of sexual contact for two to six months. But Hauser prefers not to use the term “dry spell” at all, “as it can use feelings of guilt, shame, or inadequacy, which only makes things worse,” she says, adding: “I see a lack of sexual connection in a relationship as a concern only when it causes distress or dissatisfaction for one or both partners.”
An important sidebar: Hauser prefers the term “sexual connection” as opposed to just “sex” when having this discussion, because there are many ways to engage in it outside of penetrative sex, “such as giving each other massages, a passionate kiss, sensual snuggling, and more,” she says. “In many cases, having long talks beneath the covers or sharing a deep conversation over dinner can feel incredibly sexually stimulating and that all counts in my book.”
Hauser continues: “What’s important is to define what each person needs to feel an intimate connection and to be intentional about cultivating those moments.” The catch is, those needs will likely be ever-changing. “What feels connected and intimate one week may look different the next, and committing to the journey with your partner while keeping communication front and center is more important than the acts themselves,” she adds.
How much sex is healthy in a relationship?
“It’s perfectly normal and expected for sexual patterns and frequency to change over time,” says Hauser. However, as a frame of reference, one 2017 study found that the average adult had sex 54 times per year, which is about once a week. Another 2015 study found that near-weekly frequency led to the greatest happiness in couples. “There are many scientific investigations establishing that healthy intimacy occurs two to three times a week,” adds Rivera.
If your sex life doesn’t match up to these numbers, you shouldn’t feel behind, because, again, every couple is different. “Couples I admire and believe are mutually supportive of each other, while maintaining a strong sense of self, find a balance that fulfills both partners’ needs and desires, and encourages and supports an open dialogue,” Hauser says.
Reasons you’re not having sex
Dips in libido can often be attributed to work, family, health, or life changes like menopause, explains Hauser. “What matters most is the quality of intimacy and the emotional connection shared by the couple,” she adds.
How to improve your sex life
If your quality of life becomes affected by a fluctuating sex life, Hauser and Rivera say it’s a good idea to create a plan of action. Here are some of their tips:
Communicate openly
If you’re dissatisfied sexually, your partner can’t know that unless you verbalize it, which, yes, is easier said than done. “What I find to be essential is open and honest communication about desires, needs, and expectations,” says Hauser. If you’re on the receiving end of concerns, it’s also important to show patience, empathy, and understanding, while also advocating for your needs, she adds.
Try the four quadrants exercise
One of Hauser’s favorite exercises for communication about sex is what she calls the four quadrants exercise, which can help you explore your sexual fantasies as a couple. Divide a piece of paper into four and label the quadrants as follows: 1. Things I have done and would like to do again, 2. Things I have done once and would not do again, 3. Things I have not done and would like to try, 4. Things I have not done and do not want to try.
“Fill it out separately, then discuss your lists together. Keep an open mind and maybe you’ll feel excited about trying something new, or can agree to discontinue something you both aren’t enjoying,” she says.
Tap into all of your senses
Again, sexual connection doesn’t always have to look a specific way. “I love guiding clients to explore their senses and sensuality outside of traditional sexual connection in order to reboot,” says Hauser. “Think of the senses you have access to and incorporate time in your day to reconnect with the smells, tastes, and sights that bring you joy, that keep you in the present moment, and that light you up. It’s amazing how powerful this practice can be.”
Develop a sexual toolbox
Kindra-Harris poll that surveyed women over 50 found that more than half of them keep a “sexual toolbox” equipped with lubricants, toys, and other products that help make sex as enjoyable and pleasurable as possible. “Menopause is one of the most common causes of a ‘dry spell’ in a couple’s relationship,” says Hauser. “Over half of women experience vaginal dryness after menopause, which can make sexual connection downright painful. If this resonates, I’d recommend trying a daily vaginal moisturizer like Kindra’s Daily Vaginal Lotion, as well as a lubricant during intimacy.”
Seek out a sex therapist
Lastly, if you try all of the above and a lack of intimacy persists, becoming a source of frustration, Hauser recommends seeking guidance from a sex therapist or other professional who can provide valuable insights catered to your relationship.
Philip von Hahn, a 30-year-old tech investor on the Upper East Side, attended a holiday party on Sunday night to take his mind off the recent dissolution of his three-year relationship.
“We’ve been weighing it for the past few months,” Mr. von Hahn said of the decision to end things. The holidays, however, added a sense of urgency, as he and his ex-girlfriend weren’t able to agree on who would visit whose family for Christmas, or if they even wanted to spend this time of year with each other again.
Although fall and winter have affectionately become known as “cuffing season” in recent years — a period where couples stay indoors, cuffed together throughout the cold months — they can also be a fraught time that puts pressures on newer relationships.
A small infraction like not buying a thoughtful Christmas gift or being reluctant to visit your partner’s family for the holidays can be the excuse a hesitant partner was looking for to call it quits. Ghosting feels like an easy option when people can use their travel plans as an excuse to be absent, and time apart can make staying connected difficult, especially if a relationship is already on shaky ground.
Mr. von Hahn said that he and his ex-girlfriend both decided to break up after realizing the relationship wasn’t progressing to the next step (“Like, get married”). He said he felt good about the decision, despite still needing time to adjust, and was crashing with a friend in Brooklyn after moving out of the apartment they shared.
For Christmas, he planned to return home to Toronto to spend time with his family “and convalesce.” He was looking forward to having a busy holiday schedule to keep him occupied.
The end of the year is also often a time of reflection and a yearning for a “new year, new me” that can be at times one-sided.
Beth Booker, a 33-year-old public relations specialist in Naples, Fla., had met her ex-boyfriend in September on Bumble and hard launched as a couple in November. He broke up with her this past weekend.
“It really sucks when you finally decide to take that leap and you feel safe enough to do it, and they can’t catch you,” she said in a phone interview on Monday.
He returned home to Pennsylvania around late fall, and, after agreeing to try to make a long-distance relationship work, he had a change of heart during a conversation about their plans for the new year.
Despite films on the Hallmark and Lifetime channels that would like to convince people that the holidays are the most romantic time of the year, they can feel especially lonely if you’re single.
Tejah Larkin, 31, describes this time of year as the moment many couples choose to make things official, so holiday parties and ugly Christmas sweater gatherings can feel harder for people like her who are still casually dating.
“During this time, the events are not really gauged for the singles, because most people probably have been dating since the summer and now they’re trying to lock it down,” said Ms. Larkin, who lives in East Orange, N.J. “Most people are inside with their significant others.”
Ms. Larkin is currently seeing a man with whom she grew up after reconnecting in late October. It’s in the honeymoon phase, she said, and they are focused on building atop their old friendship and seeing where things go. He plans to return home to Georgia for Christmas and New Year’s Eve. She hopes they will stay in contact during that time.
“This will be the first time either of us have been not in the same area communicating, so hopefully we keep the same consistent communication,” Ms. Larkin said. “It’ll be a real test.”
We’ve all been there. You look at the calendar, do a quick calculation and realise shit, has it already been a week (or two) since you’ve had sex? No it can’t be…
You start to feel the pressure to have sex. Isn’t it bad if you go “too long” without getting busy? Surely, it’s better to just knock one out before the weeks turn into months and then my marriage implodes? I think that’s what someone said I should do on TikTok?
You check the clock and think, I’ve got 10 minutes…But then you wonder, as you side-eye your partner, am I only having sex with them because I think I’m supposed to or because I actually WANT to have sex now? Does it even really matter?
So here’s the thing. It does matter.
Maybe not in the short-term but definitely in the long-term. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with maintenance sex or having sex with a long-term partner just for the sake of knocking one out, not because you actually desire it.
Professionals will disagree on this. Some will say you should only ever have sex when you’re in the mood and not just do it because you feel some type of pressure.
The problem with that outlook is that a lot of women who are disconnected from their sexuality are never in the mood. And the amount of perceived work it takes for them to get into the mood isn’t viewed as worth the potential benefits their current sexual relationship is offering them. So in those instances, sex would almost never occur, which is incredibly problematic for most long-term romantic relationships.
The other school of thought here, where I find myself, is based on the view that sex isn’t always going to be spontaneous or passionate or result in toe-curling orgasms.
That doesn’t make the “less exciting sex” any less valid. Sometimes, sex is just a time when two people’s bodies come together because they need to feel connection. And sometimes, the only way to accomplish this is through maintenance sex.
The fun thing about maintenance sex encounters is that they hold the possibility of being passionate, pleasure-filled sessions. You just never know what can happen when you give yourself permission to engage sexually with your partner. But you don’t know until you actually are willing to put yourself in those sexual situations.
This is why I believe maintenance sex is an acceptable short-term solution.
Now, if you’re only ever having maintenance sex, then a larger discussion needs to take place. Because if sex is an important part of the relationship for at least one of the partners, then there needs to be an examination of why it’s not a priority to both or why there’s a disconnect between saying it’s a priority but not actually making the time for it.
Of course, you will go through seasons where sex drops on the list of important things to do. But unless both parties agree that sex isn’t that important (which is absolutely fine, despite what society may tell us), then a conversation (or several) need to take place. I cannot emphasise that enough. Relationships breakdown when expectations go unmet.
If one (or both) partners really does not enjoy sex or the kind of sex they are having in that relationship, then it’s critical to discuss that as early on as possible. Because when we ignore it and pray that those feelings go away, we are deceiving ourselves and planting the seeds for resentment to grow. No one wants to have sex with someone who is only doing it every time because they feel like they have to. Going through the motions every time actually makes your relationship worse by eroding trust and connection.
I want you to know that sex is one of the most powerful acts a person can engage in. It can be more than just a way to achieve gratification. And when we only do it to check the box, we miss out on the opportunity to heal, transform, love, and transcend. Can maintenance sex serve a purpose? Of course, but I believe it should be the exception and not the gold standard for sexual intimacy in a long-term romantic relationship.
You deserve more than just maintenance sex. And if you’re in a relationship where that’s the rut you’re in, then I encourage you to have a conversation by sharing WHY you want to have more meaningful, more connected sexual intimacy with your partner.
Providers and consumers are two sides of the same coin; the operative word being coin. Few things are more troublesome to the social hierarchy than the notion of sex for money. And yet, as the saying goes, there’d be no supply if there weren’t a demand.
Ordering Out, Ordering In
I travel a lot for work and often get really lonely on long trips. I don’t go to bars, because I don’t drink. The idea of looking for sex in a bathhouse or sex club puts me off. Lately I’ve been thinking I should just hire an escort, but I wouldn’t even know where to begin. It must be a pretty common phenomenon though, because I see tons of ads for escorts online in every city I go to. Any suggestions on how I might proceed?
— Gabe
I presume you’ve ordered out for food while traveling for business, right? Finding a satisfying “order-out” sexual adventure is not all that different. In the case of an escort, the commodities are charming company, erotic massage, and possibly a little sex, instead of potstickers, mu shu pork and Kung Pao Chicken. Now if someone would devise a marketing plan to combine the two—erotic massage and mu-shu pork? We’d all die from an overabundance of bliss!Not all order-out is created equal. Just as there is bad food, there are also unsavory escorts. Do your homework. You already know there are scads of escort or rent-a-boy sites on the net. There are also plenty of review sites, where customers of the provider leave their comments regarding levels of satisfaction and the like. Most escorts, particularly the really good ones, immediately call your attention to the reviews they’ve received. It’s like having the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval stamped on your ass.
Supply and Demand
Start by interviewing a few working boys. This can initially be done via email. Ask for further information about services and rates. Many escorts have photos of themselves available to send to prospective clients, so you might respectfully request those. If at all possible, include a photo of yourself—or at the very least, an accurate description.
When communicating with a service provider, never suggest that you are offering money for sex; in most jurisdictions, that’s against the law. While most clients hope to get a little sex in the encounter, the money exchanged is not for the sex. It is for the provider’s time and expertise. This may sound like splitting hairs, but if sex happens it is by mutual agreement by consenting adults during the time you’ve arranged to be together.
Finding the right escort for you is your task. Know what you want and know how to ask for it. Don’t waste your time or that of the provider by beating around the bush. If you are new at this, say so. The rent-a-boy, if he’s any good at all, will be familiar with this territory and help you though the initial conversation. There are different levels of pros out there; each will have his own fee structure for services provided. If you’re looking for something kinky, be ready to pay more. Never bargain with the provider. If he’s out of your price range, move along. Or come right out with it and say, “Listen, I have X amount of money to spend. Are you available?” This gives the provider the option to see you at the discounted rate. You’d be a fool not to insist on safe sex, but there’s a shitload of fools out there.
When arranging an outcall to your hotel, there may be an additional surcharge for traveling cost. This should be agreed upon before the deal is struck.
Not all prostitutes are prostitutes because they want to be. But most guys turn pro because they’re good at what they do. And most enjoy the accompanying lifestyle. The truly successful provider will have a string of regulars, men they have a somewhat more intimate connection with. Kinda like finding a great Chinese restaurant and becoming a regular there. The proprietor might just offer you something not on the menu as a way of acknowledging your preferred customer status. Get it?
Some johns use the service of an agency, which can be a reliable way to go at first. However, I believe the hard-working independent entrepreneur is often one’s best bet.
You’ll also find among the independents a unique phenomenon—Gay for Pay. These are ostensibly “straight” (and I use that word in quotes with great intent) guys who will have gay sex with gay men for money. In the old days, we used to refer to them as trade. And like we in the business say, “today’s trade is tomorrow’s competition.”
Remember, a wise and informed consumer is happy and satisfied consumer.
I’m just out of college and have a ton of bills and no real job prospects at the moment. A friend suggested I do some escorting to make ends meet. Guys tell me that I’m hot and I like sex, but I don’t know if I could pull it off. Suggestions?
— Kevin
Being hot and liking sex are great assets if you decide to turn pro, but you’ll need a whole lot more than that. Being a sex worker is not like having sex for love, or even recreational sex. You will be exchanging sex for money, and that makes it a business proposition. You’d be wise to approach this with as much forethought as you would any other profession. It is, after all, the world’s oldest.
You’ll need the physical fortitude to be sexual with a wide range of people; some who may not be attractive to you. And when there’s an exchange of money, the john becomes your customer. And all pro sex is client-directed; it’s not about you, even when it looks like it’s all about you.
You’ll also need the emotional distance and psychological resilience to cope with the intimacy issues this line of work creates. This is precisely the point where most fledgling sex workers flounder. They either give too much, or not enough. Some actually resent their clients for sustaining them. Go figure! A lack of clarity on this issue will cause troubling boundary issues for both you and your john.
A cheap street hustler turning tricks to support a drug habit and an expensive rent-boy who is attending the rich and famous face many of the same pitfalls. A lot of sex workers are self-destructive, or have huge unresolved sex issues that they are trying to compensate for by making people pay them for what they usually give away.
If you still think this is a line of work for you, know that your mind and body are your greatest business assets. Take care of them. Keep them clean, fit and toned. Hygiene, both physical and mental, is a must. Improve your mind. Make yourself interesting. Stay abreast on current affairs. Develop other skills like massage and bodywork. Self-awareness, not the narcissistic type, and safe-sex practices are your front line defense against STIs.
Stay clean and sober while on the job. More sex workers get busted for drugs than hustling. Know how to handle a drugged-out client. You’ll probably see a lot of those. Know that they can take forever to get off, and can sometimes be paranoid and dangerous.
Be fiscally responsibility. Plan for the lean times…and there will always lean times. You’ll probably be a hot property at first; it’s the new meat phenomenon. Don’t let this go to your head. There will be cuter, younger, hotter competition getting off the bus tomorrow. Try to cultivate a number of regular clients. Have a thought to how and where you will market yourself. And I encourage you not to do this full-time. If you find it difficult to pay the rent, you’ll be tempted to do more and more risky things just to make ends meet.
Sex work is often more about being psychologically present than a sexual performance. Your clients will often be more lonely and isolated then they are horny. Always treat them with respect.
You should have at least one trusted friend who knows your whereabouts at all times, or who has access to your appointment book. Never make a date with anyone who won’t share his/her phone number with you. And always make a call back before you head out. Keep an appointment book, in code if you must.
Have a travel bag prepared with all the basics you will need: condoms, lube, massage oils, handy-wipes, an extra shirt, toys, mace (or other protective equipment). Have that bag ready to pick up and leave if there’s trouble.
Finally, I suggest that you connect with other sex workers in your area. There is strength in numbers. Other rent-boys will provide you with essential information about troublesome clients and help you get the lay of the land, so to speak.
But while threesomes may be close to top of mind worldwide for a little adult content watching, the logistics of threesomes in real life are far more complex. From concerns about safe sex to different partner configurations, there’s a lot that goes into a great three-way sexual encounter.
Business Insider spoke to sexologists and AASECT-certified sex educators and therapists to find out how to have a safe and pleasurable threesome.
What makes for a great threesome
Carol Queen, a sexologist at Good Vibes and curator of the Antique Vibrator Museum, said “three people who are comfortable with sexuality, can communicate well, are attracted enough to each other to be sexual together” are the best group for a threesome. All partners should “have compatible interests and boundaries to have a good time.”
How to find a third
If you’re in a monogamous relationship, finding who to add as a third party can be a big decision. Queen advises to “skip the friend option unless you have a friend who is an open and openhearted sex explorer — a friend like that might actually love to take you under their wing.” Queen added that inviting a friend over and propositioning them is a big no-no. Open and honest communication will be critical to ensure the health of the friendship long-term.
If you’re not sure where to find a third, Suzannah Weiss, resident sexologist for Fleshy, suggested joining apps like Feeld or Bloom, which are “geared toward the non-monogamous community, and you can mention that you are new to this and need some time to get to know people before jumping into bed.”
The right position will vary with each threesome
Although some positions may be more conducive to a threesome than others, not every position will work in every configuration, and it’s important to communicate with partners about what will work for you, according to sexologist Lisa Lawless.
“Some sex positions are more accessible if you’re a certain height or weight or are particularly strong or flexible,” Lawless said. The best position will depend on the type of sexual stimulation one wishes to receive or provide.
Lawless suggested the following positions:
Double cowgirl
In double cowgirl, one partner rides on the partner’s genitals while the other rides that person’s face. In this position, Lawless said, “The person on the bottom gets stimulation from both partners simultaneously. For many, watching their partners in this position can be visually arousing.”
However, for the person on the bottom, supporting both partners can get tiring, and it may make communication between partners difficult. Be sure to check in regularly.
69 plus 1
Friendly for configurations with two vaginas or two penises, in this position, two partners get into a 69 position. The third partner stands at the edge of the bed to penetrate one of the partners. Lawless said that the side-to-side configuration “can increase intimacy between the two partners on the bed,” but be mindful of neck strain.
Virtual threesome
Some partners may not be comfortable inviting a third person into the bedroom, so a virtual threesome allows a couple to have sex while a third person interacts through a screen in a different location. Lawless said that “app-controlled toys can enhance pleasure and interactivity among partners despite the distance.”
Safe sex and proper planning are critical
Michele M. March, a sex therapist at the Council for Relationships, emphasized the importance of safe sex to a successful threesome. “Some discussion of partners’ current sexual health status is important.” Winging it is ill-advised. “Who will bring the condoms? Will everyone agree to a pause for hygiene needs or for time to use effective protection? Some consideration of who uses what protection — against STI’s and pregnancy,” March said will help make everyone feel comfortable.
Weiss stressed the importance of swapping condoms frequently. “It’s safest to use a new condom each time you go from penetrating one partner to the other or from one orifice to another – and definitely if you are switching from anal to vaginal or oral,”
If you’re using lubricant, which every sexpert recommended, consider your options carefully. “Silicone lube is helpful because it lasts the longest, though you don’t want to use it with silicone toys,” Weiss said. Water-based lubricants work well with both toys and condoms, and oil-based lube should be avoided with condoms.
From Carrie Bradshaw and Big to pretty much everyone on The Real Housewives, the concept of marrying “up” is nothing new—yet somehow, it’s one of those themes that never seem to go out of style. Take, for example, Bridgerton.
Behind all the sex (and yup, there’s a lot of sex), the story is about families climbing the ranks of society by courting with people of “higher” social statuses. The term for this phenomenon is “hypergamy,” and according to Damona Hoffman, OkCupid‘s official dating coach and host of the Dates & Mates podcast, it’s as old as time.
“The idea of marrying for love is actually a very contemporary practice,” Hoffman says. “Marriage traditionally was for ensuring the financial stability of a woman’s family.” And while the concept is a major focal point of shows, books, movies, history, and daydreams, it’s actually a real thing that’s still very much happening in the world.
Very simply, hypergamy is the act of marrying or dating someone you think is more successful and/or secure than you—whether you do it consciously or subconsciously, says Alysha Jeney, licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Modern Love Counseling. “This can often be due to the desire to want to achieve financial security or to boost reputation. It can also be due to the desire to seek a ‘higher level’ of self-worth and identity,” she says.
And even though the term has gotten much buzzier over the past few years, the concept has been around for a super long time. “[Hypergamy] can be traced back to castes in Hindu society,” explains licensed clinical social worker, Shamyra Howard—meaning the practice of hypergamy is at least 3,000 years old.
“Hypergamy is essentially a patriarchal constructed form of partnership from a time when women had very little education, weren’t able to work, and needed their partner for survival,” says Howard. “Marriage was mostly about survival and protection. Marriage for love is a new concept.”
Back in the days of women not being allowed to vote, own property, or secure assets without a husband, hypergamy was one of the only ways to get ahead.
Why is hypergamy still a thing?
Since hypergamy’s been around for what feels like ever, and marriage being tied to love has only been a thing for the past 250 years or so, it’s not too surprising that hypergamous relationships haven’t totally died out.
In some class systems, marriages are arranged so the woman marries into a wealthy family,” explains Howard. India is commonly known for still practicing arranged marriages, as is China (even though they’re technically outlawed), Iran, and Indonesia.
You might be surprised to learn, however, that while arranged marriages aren’t as common in western society, hypergamy still very much is. In fact, there are a ton of celebrity couples out there who are hypergamous such as Donald and Melania Trump and previously Erika Jayne and Tom Girard, says Hoffman. Fictionally, characters such as Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and of course, Bridgerton‘s Simon and Daphne practiced hypergamy as well.
In Bridgerton, viewers saw first-hand how important it was for a daughter to secure a good husband to help her family climb the social ladder. That’s basically the entire plot of the series. And while we’re not watching princes suck spoons in 19th century London, many people still choose to engage in hypergamy today, whether consciously or not.
“As the cost of living continues to go up and the view of lavish lifestyles permeates social media, TV, and magazines, people will continue to strive to be upwardly-mobile,” explains Hoffman. And one of the easiest ways to do this is by marrying into money and status, says Jeney,
“The recent discussions around hypergamy are re-birthed from current issues related to capitalism, the cost of living, and financial woes,” says Hoffman.
Who can be in a hypergamous relationship?
It’s important to note that hypergamous relationships don’t just happen in cis male/cis female partnerships, says Jeney. In fact, Howard says it’s prevalent in almost every community.
Is hypergamy “wrong”?
While blatantly hypergamous people are sometimes referred to as “gold diggers” the truth is, the concept of actively seeking a powerful and secure partner is kind of ingrained in our genetic makeup. “Many people state that hypergamy is not a choice, but evolutionary,” says Howard. “There have been reports that some people desire others that are the most resourceful and powerful, those who not only possess financial clout but social clout as well.”
And now with social media, the idea of seeking social clout and financial stability by way of a partner is easier and more obtainable than ever. “Blue checks represent a different type of currency which, for many people is invaluable,” says Howard. “So many people desire to be with those who are followed and desired by many, and if that person is rich that’s even better.”
But before you feel like hypergamy is a given, know that it isn’t something you have to buy into, even if it’s somewhat predisposition for us. So while it’s not *wrong,* that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s right for everyone. It all comes down to doing what’s right for you, ethically and emotionally.
Is hypergamy a healthy relationship style?
“Seeking a partner for the sole purpose of financial and/or social gain can become an unhealthy process that involves manipulation, deceit, and overall fulfillment,” says Howard.
In addition to there potentially being an uneven power dynamic in a hypergamous relationship, things like a lack of intimacy or understanding could also come into play, says Jeney. Since the person practicing hypogamy (the one in the partnership who’s “marrying down”) might feel like they have the ultimate control in the relationship, it can lead to an unhealthy and unequal distribution of weight in the partnership.
Howard says according to The Wiley Blackwell Encyclopedia of Family Studies, “Hypogamy is mostly practiced by men for the purpose of maintaining control.” For these types of relationships to be successful, communication, boundaries, and clear expectations are more vital than ever to keep things healthy and respectful between the partners.
Why should we care about hypergamy?
Because it actually plays a major role in the structure of society—not only in the past, but for the future as well. While some people view hypergamy as a smart and/or necessary move, others think it could be detrimental to female empowerment. Mainly because it could send convince some people their worth is only defined by who they marry.
That said, if you come from financial insecurity, hypergamy is not only encouraged, but it can sometimes seem like the only option to reach a different economic status, explains Hoffman. And even if you are financially stable, a 2016 study by the University of British Columbia concluded that even though women earn more college degrees than men, they’re still 93 percent more likely to “marry up” financially.
Whether you’re for or against the practice, hypergamous relationships aren’t going anywhere any time soon. “Hypergamy is something that will always be practiced in a culture where money and power are glorified,” notes Hoffman. “Marriage is still somewhat of an exchange of values. A hypergamous person may value youth or beauty over social status while a hypergamous person would overlook other factors of relationship compatibility if someone could help them elevate their financial or social situation.”
What should I consider before entering a hypergamous relationship?
If you’re thinking about entering into a hypergamous or hypogamous marriage or relationship, Hoffman says it’s essential to reflect on your priorities. “Hypergamy isn’t wrong, but I think it’s important for all daters to figure out what is truly important to them in a partnership and figure out if money or power has value for them over other key qualities in their ideal mate,” she explains.
“As gender roles shift and the playing field in dating becomes level, it’s important to question the values of prior generations and see if common beliefs about what makes someone a ‘high value’ mate are the same things that mattered before.”
As with most relationships, there are going to be tradeoffs with a hypergamous relationship, and only you can decide what’s right for you. Howard says in order to make these types of relationships work, it’s best to be honest about what you’re looking for.
“Marrying for money isn’t a new concept, however, the act of marrying someone for financial stability often works best when each person is aware and agrees on their involvement.”
Whether you’re after a royal or simply true love, the pros agree: The key to a solid coupling is communication.
Most people will experience a loss of sexual desire at some point in their life, be it due to parenthood, a health condition, hormonal changes, grief or other reasons. But how can you overcome this? Sex therapists and educators share the secrets to getting your mojo back.
1. Be aware that it is incredibly normal
“Fluctuations in desire are a natural part of the human experience, influenced by different life stages,” says Chris Sheridan, a psychotherapist and founder of The Queer Therapist in Glasgow. “We’re not robots,” says Natasha Silverman, a Relate sex and relationship therapist based in the Cotswolds. She has helped couples who haven’t had sex for decades and says this is one of the most common reasons people seek advice. “It is very normal for relationships to go through periods when couples aren’t having sex, or one person wants to and the other doesn’t.”
2. Mood is often a factor
Addressing this is the first step. “External life stresses and anxiety all put the brakes on sexual desire,” says Silverman. “If you are stressed and overwhelmed – worried about the kids or there are problems at work – it’s not going to be quite so easy to get into that headspace.” Medication such as antidepressants can also have an impact on sex drive, she adds.
3. Have a medical check-up
It is important to see a doctor about loss of libido. If people are describing anxiety, depression or other symptoms that may be connected to a health issue such as the menopause, “we do suggest that people get checked”, says Silverman. “For example, someone may have erectile difficulties that are putting them off sex. But if that is a chronic problem, it can be indicative of something like heart disease.”
4. Talk to someone outside the relationship
Find someone to confide in, says Silverman. This could be “a friend or a professional. Someone who can normalise it, help you look at why this might be happening and take the shame out of it. Think about when things changed and what might be making it more difficult.” Try to work out, “what it is that made you feel as if your mojo isn’t there any more”, says Dami “Oloni” Olonisakin, a sex positive educator and author of The Big O: An empowering guide to loving, dating and f**king.
5. Be prepared to talk to your partner
When you are ready, talk to your partner about how you are feeling. This could be in a therapy space or on your own. “Your partner will already be sensing that something has changed,” says Silverman. “And if you’re not talking about it with them, they are going to fill in the gaps, most likely with their own anxieties: ‘They don’t want to be with me any more’; ‘They don’t find me attractive’; ‘Maybe there’s someone else.’ So be upfront and honest.” Most people are too ashamed to work on stale, long-term relationships and be more creative about seeking pleasure together, says Todd Baratz, a sex therapist in New York City. It doesn’t “necessarily mean getting out the whips and chains, it just means communicating about sex, talking about what your sexual needs are”.
‘Set aside time each week to explore each other’s bodies.’
6. Single people struggle with desire, too
It is not only those in a relationship who experience a loss of libido. Silverman says she is seeing increasing numbers of single people who “want to iron out mistakes from previous relationships” and women, in particular, who have become used to “minimising their needs”. There are a lot of myths that need to be busted about the G-spot and what a healthy sex life looks like, she says. Being single is a good time to figure out what works for you “and make yourself more robust”, for your next relationship or sexual encounter.
7. Work out what desire means to you
“Society often normalises saying ‘yes’ to things we may not genuinely want to do, a behaviour that can permeate our relationship dynamics,” says Sheridan. “Expressing our true desires and practising saying ‘no’ enables us to transition into healthy communication characterised by negotiation and mutual consent.”
“What is really important,” says Miranda Christophers, a sex and relationship psychotherapist at The Therapy Yard in Beaconsfield, “is that both partners have the desire for desire. If somebody’s motivation for intimacy is because they know that their partner likes to have sex and they need to do it to keep the partner happy, that wouldn’t necessarily be a positive motivator. We try to get them to work out what they enjoy about sex, what they are getting from it.” That could be pleasure in the moment or a sense of connection afterwards.
8. In most couples, one person will want sex more than the other
“This phenomenon is not exclusive to heterosexual couples,” says Sheridan. “It presents similarly within same-sex and sexually diverse relationships”, in which there can be “an additional layer of complexity emerging due to the pervasive influence of heteronormativity”. “Desire isn’t necessarily gender specific,” says Baratz. “It is often assumed that men want sex all the time and women want to be seduced, and that’s not the case. People have a wide and diverse expression of how they desire, regardless of their gender.” That said, men tend to experience spontaneous desire, whereas women are more responsive, says Christophers, and desire may only kick in at the point of arousal.
9. A sex ban can be a good place to start
Silverman says many therapists will encourage couples to abstain from sex and masturbation while initial conversations are taking place, before introducing affection for affection’s sake that won’t lead to something else. Plus, “telling someone they can’t have sex tends to be an effective way to get them in the mood”, she says.
10. Looking back is crucial
As with any kind of therapy, considering past experiences, positive and negative, can help to process problems in the present. Sheridan explains: “Examining a client’s sexual response history across their lifespan allows us to discern whether the change is a situational occurrence or a longstanding pattern. A crucial aspect of this involves understanding the current and historical dynamics of their relationships.” Silverman adds: “We look at their first relationships, the potential obstacles that are in the way of them being able to let go sexually, any health problems, trauma or historic sexual abuse.” “Trauma has a huge impact on our sensory system,” says Baratz, “and sex is all about sensory experiences, so it’s going to potentially decrease the way we feel safe or connected to our senses. That means that we need to be with a partner we feel safe with.”
11. Rediscover non-sexual intimacy
This could be “kissing each other before you leave the house or playfully patting your partner on the bum as they walk past”, says Oloni. “Different things can help reignite that spark, so when you are back in bed you’ve done things throughout the day that remind you your partner still desires you sexually and is attracted to you.” Sensate exercises, in which couples are encouraged to “set aside time each week to explore each other’s bodies, focusing on the feeling that they have themselves when they are doing this”, are helpful too, says Christophers.
12. Scheduling
This isn’t for everyone, says Silverman, as it can make sex feel like even more of a chore. But it can be helpful for some, especially if young children are getting in the way. “Schedule a romantic date night or time to find different ways to get in touch with that side,” says Oloni. For new parents, Christophers advises: “Even if it is just for an hour, go somewhere else and create a more adult space together.” Baratz recommends “planning sex instead of relying upon spontaneity and declaring our schedules are too busy”.
13. Self-love is everything
“Emphasising self-love is integral,” says Sheridan. “As it empowers individuals to honestly articulate their needs and desires, building more authentic and fulfilling sexual and emotional intimacy in the relationship.” Take care of yourself too: shower and put on fragrance, says Baratz. “Exercise plays a big role in cultivating a relationship with your body.” He encourages “yoga, if that’s pleasurable, or massage or a spa day or a bath bomb – anything that is a sensory experience that feels good and will reinforce the connection that we can feel with our body”. “When you walk past a mirror, tell yourself how beautiful you are,” says Oloni. “How lucky anybody would be to be in your presence naked.”
14. Work on body confidence
This could be through “buying yourself new lingerie that makes you feel sexy”, says Oloni. “You need to find that confidence within yourself then present that to your partner. I used to work in Victoria’s Secret, and I remember a woman came in who had just had a child and she burst into tears because a bra looked good on her. That has stuck with me because it really does take the right type of underwear to make you feel sexy again, or to see yourself in a different way.”
15. Faking it can be counterproductive
Again, this is very common, thanks to people getting sex education from mainstream pornography, says Silverman, which often suggests women need to have penetrative sex to have an orgasm, whereas about 75% of women require clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm. But “every time someone fakes an orgasm, they are showing their partner the exact wrong way to make them climax – there is a sexual dishonesty there”, she says. “Some people do struggle to reach orgasm, which is known as anorgasmia. This can be a result of medication, trauma or trust issues that haven’t been explored. But generally speaking, people can reach orgasm on their own. We recommend that people get to know their bodies by themselves and what does it for them, before expecting a partner to know what to do.”
16. Pornography doesn’t have to be visual
“There is a difference between ethical and non-ethical pornography,” says Oloni. “And it is important to understand what has been created for the male gaze.” She points to other forms of erotica that can be accessed, such as audio pornography and literature. “There are so many different mediums you could get that sexual rush from, but I don’t think people truly explore. It’s usually the same link or bookmark of a favourite porn site or video. I think it’s important to mix it up, especially when it comes to fantasising. They say that the biggest sexual organ that we actually have is the brain. It’s so important to fantasise in different ways instead of just one.”
17. Think about ‘sexual currency’
“This is a term that a lot of sex educators are using now,” says Oloni, “which is designed to help you find that desire and spark in your relationship. It could mean cuddling more on the sofa when you’re watching a movie, or it could be remembering to kiss your partner before you leave the house.”
18. Write down things you want to try
This helps if you can’t say them out loud. Work out what they are and send over an image or link, suggests Oloni. “Write them down on bits of paper and put them in a pot,” says Christophers, so you can pull them out and potentially try something new. “Create an opportunity for playfulness,” she says. “A bit more intrigue, a bit more mystery.”
19. Variety is the spice of life
Oils, toys and other aids can be useful after body changes due to the menopause, having a baby or other health conditions, says Christophers, as is trying different positions. “Think about comfort and practical things, such as using lubricants.”
20. Put down your phone
For those who would rather go to bed with their phone than their partner, put it away. “This comes up a lot,” says Christophers. “I’m not saying don’t ever bring your phone into bed,” says Oloni. “But that could be a time where you up your sexual currency. You’re in bed with your partner. This is where you should feel your most relaxed but you can’t really unwind when you are on your phone, you’re still taking in so much information. You could use that time instead to not necessarily have sex, but just be still, hug, spoon or giggle with your partner.”
In 2022, University of Melbourne evolutionary psychologist Dr Khandis Blake estimated that among young people, “around 4-5 per cent of people might be involved in a polyamorous relationship, and about 20 per cent have probably tried one”.
Polyamory statistics in Australia are limited. But recent research in the US shows just over 11% of people are currently in polyamorous relationships, while 20% have engaged in some form of non-monogamy. In the UK, just under 10% of people would be open to a non-monogamous relationship.
“To us, a slut is a person of any gender who celebrates sexuality according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you,” write the co-authors of The Ethical Slut, a now-classic guide to non-monogamy (tagged “the Poly Bible”).
Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton are the co-authors of The Ethical Slut.
When it was first published more than 25 years ago, shattered social norms and stigma around non-traditional relationship styles. Now in its third edition, revised to address cultural changes like gender diversity and new technological innovations (like dating apps), it’s sold over 200,000 copies since its first publication in 1997.
As a non-monogamous practitioner myself, I welcome literature that aims to destigmatise relationships that sit outside monogamy.
Sexual educator Janet W. Hardy and psychotherapist Dossie Easton, two self-described queer, polyamorous “ethical sluts” – friends, lovers and frequent collaborators – bring readers into their world of multiple partners and multiple kinds of sex. It encourages them to think about their own desires, and how they might be achieved in ethical ways.
Easton decided against monogamy after leaving a traumatic relationship, with a newborn daughter, in 1969. She taught her first class in “unlearning jealousy” in 1973. Hardy left a 13-year marriage in 1988, after realising she was no longer interested in monogamy. The pair met in 1992, through a San Francisco BDSM group.
Two years later, sick in bed, Hardy stumbled on the film Indecent Proposal, where a marriage crumbles after millionaire Robert Redford offers a madly-in-love (but struggling with money) married couple, played by Woody Harrelson and Demi Moore, a million dollars for one night with Demi.
“A million dollars and Robert Redford, and they have a problem with this? It made no sense to me,” Hardy told Rolling Stone. “I really got it at that point, how distant I had become from mainstream sexual ethics.” And so she reached out to Easton to propose they collaborate on a book on non-monogamy.
The Ethical Slut is a significant guide to navigating sexual freedom, open relationships and polyamory – responsibly and thoughtfully. It’s aimed at readers exploring non-monogamy, or supporting loved ones to do so.
What is The Ethical Slut?
The book is divided into four parts, each offering mental exercises to help readers embrace a sexually diverse lifestyle. It aims to support those interested in exploring non-monogamous relationships, free from stigma or shame.
The first part offers an overview of non-monogamy. An ethical slut approaches their relationships with communication and care for their partner(s), whether casual or committed, while staying true to their desires.
In the second part, the authors urge readers to break free from the “starvation economy” mindset, which conditions us to think love and intimacy are scarce resources. This is what leads to fear and possessiveness in dating, sex and relationships, they explain.
In part three, readers learn how to handle jealousy and insecurity, while managing conflicts effectively.
Finally, the authors cover various non-monogamous sexual practices. There are tips for navigating swinging and open relationships as a single person, group sex (orgies), and advice on asking for what you want in a sexual encounter.
‘Everything’s out on a big buffet’
The Ethical Slut’s appeal lies in its ability to help people shift their mindset about monogamy, in a society where other forms of relationships have often been deemed immoral. (Though this is changing.)
What I’m seeing among young people is that they don’t have the same need to self-define by what they like to do in bed, or in relationships, like my generation did. Everything’s out on a big buffet, and they try a little of everything.
Ezra Miller has talked about his ‘polycule’.
Five years later, in 2023, many celebrities openly identify as polyamorous. Ezra Miller has talked about his “polycule” (a network of people in non-monogamous relationships with one another), musician Yungblud has called himself polyamorous, and Shailene Woodley has been in and out of open relationships.
Books like Neil Strauss’s The Game (2005) view sex and relationships as ongoing competitions, requiring varied strategies to effectively land a partner. Instead, The Ethical Slut encourages developing genuine, consensual connections through communication and honesty. Relationships are seen as fluid and open to change, with endings viewed as opportunities for growth and development, not failures.
Rather than teach readers to mimic a social norm that will “win” them sex or relationships, The Ethical Slut pushes readers to think beyond what is “normal”.
Dating apps like Feeld, PolyFinda and OkCupid enable individuals to link profiles with their partners, promoting transparency and openness about their relationship status and desire for diverse sexual experiences.
And more books with varied and nuanced takes on non-monogamy have emerged since 1997, such as More than Two, Opening Up and Many Love.
A utopian mirage?
There’s much to appreciate in the messages The Ethical Slut conveys. However, it’s framed with a utopia in mind – one that doesn’t quite exist.
A key aspect of this book is challenging the starvation economy that influences monogamous relationships. In an ideal world, breaking free from this mindset about love and intimacy seems like paradise. The idea of loving more than one person is beautiful, connected and certainly achievable. But it’s also a significant challenge.
For many, longing for love and connection is not just a concept but a real, lived experience. Withholding affection in relationships can be emotionally abusive and manipulative. It’s essential to recognise non-monogamous people may still be susceptible to – or even perpetuate – these behaviours.
The authors present themselves as spiritually and morally enlightened in their non-monogamous choices and their sexual practices. Monogamy is framed as a negative byproduct of a regressive culture, rather than a genuine choice in its own right. Substance use is severely frowned on, echoing longstanding taboos around the use of drugs in sexual play.
The Ethical Slut frames monogamy as ‘a negative byproduct of a regressive culture’, rather than a choice.
The Ethical Slut makes universal assumptions about people’s experiences without considering broader social and personal influences. For instance, the section on flirting assumes a global understanding on what constitutes flirting cues between people. It lacks cultural, gendered and neurodiversity awareness.
Rejecting sex is not always easy
The authors assert “being asked [for sex], even by someone you don’t find attractive, is a compliment and deserves a thank-you”. Yet a simple “Thank you, I am not interested” is not always easy.
Research has shown women need to find ways to gently reject cisgender, heterosexual men to avoid violence (like “I have a boyfriend/husband”). And many men often do not take no as an answer. Thanking men for compliments can also lead to further hostility and aggression.
The authors advocate for women to say yes more, assuming women only say no due to shame and stigma. But the real fear of experiencing violence is a major deterrent. For example, recent research in the UK on recreational sex clubs has found that cisgender, heterosexual men may show sexual interest in trans women, only to immediately become violent with them.
These assumptions are echoed in discussions about barrier methods, sexual health testing, birth control and abortion options. The Ethical Slut assumes everyone has equitable access to sexual health education, and reproductive health services and products.
Yet the overturn of Roe vs Wade in the US has shown this is not the case. People who experience menstruation and pregnancy are increasingly losing – or never had – those reproductive freedoms.
Emotions are ‘choices’
The book envisions an idealised world where emotion and logic unite to challenge social constructs of monogamy, possessiveness and control. It’s underpinned by a belief our emotions (including jealousy) are choices we make about life events.
In The Ethical Slut, jealousy is solely attributed to the person experiencing it, overlooking its complexity in various contexts. Jealousy can be a sign of insecurity, grief or relationship issues, among other things.
Managing jealousy is presented as something an individual needs to address on their own. The book lacks guidance for dealing with partners who might contribute to jealousy by not fulfilling emotional needs, breaking boundaries, failing to communicating effectively, or purposely trying to evoke the feeling.
The person experiencing jealousy is held solely responsible for their emotion, ignoring the role of the non-jealous partner. Suggested responses, like “I’m sorry you feel that way, I have to go on my date now”, reaffirm this mindset.
Jealous partners are advised to write journal entries, practice mindfulness or go on a walk to deal with their emotion. In a book about sex that is fundamentally about relations with others, jealousy becomes lost in the hyperfocus on the individual.
The person experiencing jealousy is held solely responsible for their emotion.<
The book’s explanation that emotions like jealousy are normal and natural, may emerge unexpectedly and should not be shamed, contradicts the idea that emotions are choices. People don’t necessarily choose to feel grief, anxiety, insecurity or sadness. Intellectualising emotions as conscious choices does more harm than good.
The book also praises compersion, the act of feeling joy at your partner’s happiness – even with other partners – as a positive experience, possible when a partner feels secure. “A lot of us experience jealousy that we don’t want, so compersion can offer a pathway to a better place,” says Easton. Yet the book provides little guidance in how this can be achieved.
Compersion can also be weaponised against those who experience insecurities, with statements like “if you were really poly/non-monogamous, you’d feel compersion for me”. Some have suggested compersion should be seen as a bonus, not a requirement, in non-monogamy.
‘A too-perfect picture’
Non-monogamists may face challenging conversations about emotional needs. The book’s advice assumes a certain level of emotional intelligence, experience and good intentions. It lacks guidance on dealing with emotionally unintelligent partners, malicious intentions, potential abuse, or what to do when conversations go terribly awry.
While I applaud the book’s push towards destigmatising non-monogamy, it paints a too-perfect picture. The odd sense of censorship is even there in its depictions of potential challenges, which seem cherry-picked to demonstrate a sense of ease with the lifestyle.
Stories about managing jealousy come to neat and tidy endings. One example is Janet’s story about falling in love with another partner and having the discussion about it with her “primary” partner. Her primary handles the discussion well and they go on to have a fulfilling relationship. There are few genuinely negative examples.
As a result, The Ethical Slut feels like it’s working to hide any potential downfalls to embracing a non-monogamous lifestyle. But providing examples of where things do not work and how people manage that could be quite useful.
Nevertheless, the book is an important introduction to non-monogamy. Perhaps it’s best used as a stepping stone for deeper exploration.
– Part 1: Know Yourself, What You Seek and Who’s Looking for You
Being a gay Daddy has its perks, but also presents a set of challenges that make it perfect for some and undoable for others. So let’s talk about the assumptions, the realties and whether gay Daddydom — or seeking out a gay Daddy — is right for you.
Are you over 35? You’re on the cusp of what younger men consider Daddy material. But being a Daddy involves a lot more than being able to grow whiskers and sport fuzzy pecs. There are gay Daddies in their 20s ranging up in age as far as you can imagine. Likewise, there are adult boys ranging from 18 to well into their 60s and beyond. It turns out that the Daddy/boy dynamic attracts men independent of their ages. They’re seeking a bond more than a date on a birth certificate.
Handling the Idea of Being Daddy
You have questions to ask yourself: Does the notion of being called Daddy or Papa or Papi make your skin crawl? Many guys shudder at the notion because they equate the nomenclature with being told they’re nearing their “sell by” date. For me, being a furry guy who could grow a full beard at 14, it was a Godsend. I got no play in my 20s because I was too hairy to be one of the Abercrombie & Fitch or Obsession ad models. It wasn’t until I hit both 35 and the gym that I got any notice at all in the bars — and not usually until my shirt came off on the dance floor. But let’s say you’ve accepted that – whether through age or appearance, you have achieved the level of maturity at which you’re seldom if ever carded at an R-rated movie. Your Daddy look may involve a receding hairline, the appearance of laugh lines or traces of gray at the temples. Wear any or all of them with pride: the more comfortable you are in your own skin, the more attractive you are to someone who’s seeking maturity.
Answering the Impertinent Question
You will inevitably find yourself, as you’re looking for a Daddy-seeker, faced with a profile or a question about whether you’re “generous.” It’s best to make it clear that you’re either a Sugar Daddy or more of the type who’s offering an emotional, romantic or a sexual bond. Certainly there are many adult boys who seek a Daddy as a transactional affair, whether inside or outside bedroom. If that’s not you, say so up front.
Find LGBTQ-Friendly Resources
Some Daddies only step into that role behind closed doors. Some wear it out and proud at the local watering holes. A few will let their connection with a younger partner shine in public. For me, it took me more than a few laps around the sun to understand my attraction to and the interest I get from younger guys.
Embracing your inner Daddy also means that more often than not, you’ll be getting a fair number of questions from your peers. “How can you find someone so young attractive?” they’ll ask. “They don’t know who was in the Beatles from who’s in the Rolling Stones, and you’re having to listen to their music, too — which is crap.” But then there are the up sides.
The Qualities of Youth
Truth be told, I’m simply more attracted to qualities typically associated with youth. Younger guys are more likely (in my experience) to see the possibilities surrounding them; they’re into exploring new places, new ideas and open to new stimuli — whether books, restaurants, podcasts, all-night dance parties, film festivals, or sudden impulses to hop into a car and see where it takes you for the weekend. A lot of guys my age (and I don’t mean all) want to be in bed after midnight. Don’t misunderstand: There are older men with a sense of adventure, to be sure. But there aren’t many of them looking to be nurtured or guided in the ways I seek — and those who are often confuse being a boy with being a sub or a slave, which are very different things.
Gay Daddies Are Special, Too
There’s a premium placed on youth in our culture, and young men can be beautiful. But I didn’t really start to enjoy being a Daddy until I came to understand that the older half of the equation is as rare and special as the younger, and that we are deserving of the hero worship they want to invest. A Daddy can help put life into context for someone feeling overwhelmed by the randomness of the world — especially in gay culture. A mature man has a grasp of history and life experience; he can provide compassion and cautionary tales; he’s more apt to be comfortable communicating about sex and have strategies about how to keep it fresh and safe at the same time.
Conversely, younger men know the internet in a way I never will. They’re familiar with suddenly and constantly adapting to where they seek information and the technology required to access it. They’ll stay up until sunrise and beyond if given a reason — even if that reason doesn’t appear until after 3am. They’re often curious, and while they won’t always agree with your conclusions, they know you’ve seen more of the world, even if your understanding largely comes from driving around town with the news on for decades. An adult boy knows what’s trending now and can show you how to keep up with the same. We in return can share with them the great films from our lifetimes (and earlier). Before long, you’re both sharing what you know that the other doesn’t — and that can be the beginning of a fascinating journey.
Age-gap relationships are by no means a new phenomenon, but they are something that modern society still struggles to make sense of—often denigrated and dismissed as a fleeting “phase.” Prejudicial terms such as “gold digger,” “cougar” and “manther” are used to describe some of the forms age-differentiated relationships can take.
At the same time, there is a growing movement demanding more respect and inclusivity of relationships that don’t fit the traditional mold, as how we imagine and define the “ideal relationship” is expanding at a rapid pace.
What can we learn from scientific research to help us understand the nuances of age-gap relationships? Here are three insights to guide your thinking.
1. Let’s Start With An Evolutionary Explanation
When it comes to any scientific conversation on sex and relationships, it is important to first consider their evolutionary function: perpetuating the species. From this standpoint, it is not surprising that men have a preference for women in their child-bearing prime.
In a 2012 paper published in Human Nature, evolutionary psychologists Sascha Schwarz and Manfred Hassebrauck write, “The ability to reproduce is not equal across the lifespan. Women cannot give birth to their own children after the onset of menopause. Unlike women, men are not directly restricted biologically in their reproductive abilities.”
It’s also not surprising that women have a preference for men who are able to invest resources into child-rearing. Schwarz and Hassebrauck state, “Women invest more in their offspring (e.g., gestation) than men. Therefore, women prefer committed, long-lasting relationships and seek partners who are able and willing to invest in them and their potential offspring.”
Putting these two facts together we can see why age-differentiated relationships, when they occur, favor a scenario where the male partner is older than the female partner. Younger women are more reproductively fit and older men have more resources to invest in their family and children.
This conclusion is borne out by research. A classic 1945 study found that men prefer partners who are about 2.5 years younger than they are while women prefer partners approximately 3.5 years older. Recent research has replicated this pattern.
2. What Is The Range Of “Acceptable” Dating Ages?
When we look beyond an individual’s “ideal” partner age and instead ask what they deem acceptable, things get more interesting. For instance, one study found that men, on average, are accepting of relationships with women up to approximately 10 years younger and 4.5 years older. Women, on the other hand, are accepting of relationships with men up to 8 years older and five years younger.
But there’s an important caveat, and it has to do with how these “acceptable” limits change as we age.
“As men grow older, they accept even younger women, but their tolerated age span regarding the oldest partner they would accept is unrelated to their own age,” state the researchers. “On the other hand, women tend to accept younger men as they grow older, but the oldest partner they will accept decreases as they age.”
According to the authors, women are less likely to enter relationships with older men as they get older because longevity favors women, not men. In Germany, for instance, the average life span for women is five years longer than it is for men.
3. How Does Relationship Happiness Factor In?
Perhaps the most important question revolves around the happiness people experience in age-gap relationships. The first and most compelling insight is that relationships of any make or model can be happy relationships under the right circumstances. However, science offers clues on the combinations that seem to work best.
One study published in the Journal of Population Economics found that both men and women seem to be happier with younger, not older, spouses. However, this happiness advantage may be short-lived.
The authors write, “Marital satisfaction declines with marital duration for both men and women in differently aged couples relative to those in similarly aged couples. These relative declines erase the initial higher levels of marital satisfaction experienced by men married to younger wives and women married to younger husbands.”
To explain this, the researchers suggest that differently aged couples may be less resilient to relationship obstacles than similarly aged couples. However, other research suggests that age-gap couples who stay together experience less jealousy and exhibit a more unselfish form of love than age-similar couples.
Conclusion
Science reveals a strong evolutionary basis for the existence of age-gap relationships. Science also suggests that these sometimes socially taboo relationships are not without their unique set of challenges. But, when done right, they can be just as fulfilling and exhilarating as any other type of relationship.
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