Do You Hide Your True Self While Dating?

When dating interracially, some Black people say that code-switching, a common practice of adapting the way they look, speak or act in different social settings, comes as second nature.

Remy Barnwell struggled with being her authentic self when she first started dating her boyfriend Ben Podnar in 2020. She concealed her afro for 6 months before sharing her natural hair texture with Mr. Podnar.

By Brianna Holt

Last September, when Remy Barnwell, 26, started dating Ben Podnar, who is white, she was hesitant to wear her hair in its natural state. As a Black woman, she was uncertain of how he would respond to her tightly coiled strands.

On her first date with Mr. Podnar, Ms. Barnwell, a tax attorney in Washington, D.C., arrived wearing box braids that concealed her natural Afro. Six months would pass before she let Mr. Podnar see her kinky coils.

“I definitely noticed the first time she took her braids out and I remember her being very concerned about how I would feel,” said Mr. Podnar, 29, an audience development director for the Center for American Progress in Washington.

Ms. Barnwell, who said straightening her hair since childhood “reinforced the idea that my natural hair was not enough,” was pleasantly surprised at Mr. Podnar’s response to her Afro. “At first I was really nervous, but he was immediately obsessed with it, which was a relieving and satisfying moment,” she said.

“I know a lot of people in her life have criticized her tight coils, so it’s especially been nice getting to see her feel that attraction from me no matter how she wears her hair,” added Mr. Podnar, who said he likes all of the different ways Ms. Barnwell styles her hair.

Hair isn’t the only thing Ms. Barnwell said she has toned down when getting to know someone who is not Black. She won’t play soul music, wears clothes that don’t expose her curves and avoids using African American Vernacular English, commonly known as Ebonics, in conversations.

“I also wore my Birkenstocks to my first date with Ben, which I’d never wear on a first date with a nonwhite man,” Ms. Barnwell said.

The alteration of hairstyles, clothes, and interests in order to gain social acceptance and limit the risk of falling victim to bias is a form of code-switching, a term that refers to the common practice of adapting or altering speech, dialect, look or behavior depending on the social setting.

Ms. Barnwell and other Black people say code-switching is common when they date interracially because first impressions determine if a second date is in the cards.

Joseph Lamour, 38, a journalist and illustrator who lives in Washington, said it wasn’t until a white boyfriend confronted him about his change in vernacular that he realized he altered his speech.

“We were driving to Boston and got a little lost, so I asked a Black person on the corner for directions,” said Mr. Lamour, who is Black. When he rolled his car’s window back up, Mr. Lamour said his then-boyfriend, a white man, asked why his voice changed when he spoke to the man. “I hadn’t even noticed I did it, but then he did an impression of it and it all came full circle,” he said, and added: “It’s kind of like a job interview where you sort of make yourself more corporate-sounding in order to seem more standard so that a second date can happen.”

Mr. Lamour, who said he mostly dates white men, later realized he code-switches in other ways when meeting someone who isn’t Black for the first time. “When I’m going on a first date, I consciously put on clothes that make me appear to be a Don Lemon-type instead of a 50 Cent-type — even though I have both types of clothing,” he said.

For Black people and other minority groups, code-switching is a way of existing within multiple worlds at once by repressing their authentic selves while playing up behavior seen as acceptable by a majority.

While a person of any race may adapt their authentic self to make a good impression on a date, this switch in behavior is often more prominent in interracial or interethnic relationships.

“The greater the perceived distance, cultural difference, or racial difference between the two people involved, the more code switching is likely to occur,” said Kathleen Gerson, a sociologist and professor at N.Y.U.

Breuna Westry, 24, who lives in Austin, Texas, and works as an assistant marketing director for Clinical Compensation Consultants, said she mostly dates white men. Originally from New Orleans, Ms. Westry, who is Black, said she uses a vocabulary that is authentic to the Black community in her hometown. However, she said she consciously changes her vocabulary when going on a date with someone who isn’t Black.

“The slang is ingrained in me. I say things like ‘yes’m’ which is a total Southern, Black country term,” Ms. Westry said. “But sometimes I feel that I wouldn’t necessarily use certain phrases around the white guys I date.”

She said her mother’s use of Southern slang has also made her anxious about introducing her family to that of a prospective partner who isn’t Black.

“My mom is in her 60s and old-school, from Mobile, Alabama,” said Ms. Westry. “She feels comfortable in the way that she talks and I would never want somebody to judge her intellect level or anything based on that, because my mom’s a smart nurse.”

In the United States, the application of code-switching outside of linguistics is historically and culturally Black.

In his book “The Souls of Black Folk,” first published in 1903, W.E.B. Dubois described such behavior as “a peculiar sensation, this double-consciousness, this sense of always looking at one’s self through the eyes of others, of measuring one’s soul by the tape of a world that looks on in amused contempt and pity.”

But it wasn’t until the 1970s that Black academics began using the term code-switching to describe their interactions and relationships with white people.

Shan Boodram, a Los Angeles-based sex and relationship educator, who is Black, Indian, and white, said many Black Americans see code-switching as an obligation, rather than a choice.

“Code-switching is speaking specifically to Black people who have to assimilate, or feel that they have to assimilate, to white culture in order to receive success,” Ms. Boodram said, including “a romantic potential with somebody” who is white.

“There are so many negative stereotypes associated with blackness: if you dress a certain way, look a certain way, or if your hair is a certain way, you get lumped into what is perceived as ‘urban culture,’ and that’s not seen as professional,” Ms. Boodram added. “And maybe for some people, that’s not seen as the person that you want to bring home to mom.”

Black women in particular resort to code-switching when dating because of the bias they often face, a result of being stereotyped as angry and discontent, hypersexualized and lacking positive representation in TV and film. This bias has led to Black women being the least contacted on dating apps and facing the most racial and sexual discrimination in online dating settings.

“If we’re talking about interracial dating, specifically about Black women, they might ask, ‘Do I feel comfortable with showing myself to this person that maybe has their own preconceived notions about Black women? Is there some eroticism or thoughts around what it means to date me as a person?’” said Camille Lester, a relationship therapist based in New York, who is Black.

“Everybody, when they’re dating, puts on some type of mask and then the longer you’re with someone, or the closer you allow yourself to get, you take off pieces of that mask,” Ms. Barnwell said, adding: “It’s especially difficult to take off pieces of that mask when you’re a Black woman because we’re already the least appreciated.”

While code-switching might be the thing that gets someone a second date, those who acknowledge doing it said it wasn’t a long-term strategy. Mr. Lamour said that, lately, he has been interested in dating only people who are comfortable with his authentic self.

“I’ve been getting more comfortable with myself and therefore the person that I’m going to be with is going to have to be comfortable with me, because I am,” he said.

Ms. Barnwell had a similar realization. “I finally got to a place where I didn’t really want to spend the time or money to get my hair braided again,” she said of the moment she decided to let Mr. Podnar see her natural hair. “I was like, ‘OK, am I going to let my white boyfriend see me with my Afro?’ And I really had to tell myself this was dumb, and if he sees me in my Afro and he hates it, then we simply should just break up.”

Complete Article HERE!

Meet the Couple Fighting Porn’s Race Problem

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Whether we’re talking about its reliance on fetishization, the overt pay discrepancies or the fact that it’s always been a predominantly white space, it’s no secret that porn has a race problem. But after 20 years of shared experience as performers, educators and master fetish trainers, Jet-Setting Jasmine and King Noire are trying to instigate change with their award-winning adult production company, Royal Fetish Films — and it’s a masterclass in leading by example.

Since its inception, Royal Fetish has challenged industry norms by demonstrating what a more inclusive, ethical and safe space for BIPOC performers actually looks like. And it all began about 10 years ago, after the real-life couple — who you may also recognize from their @sexpositiveparenting Instagram — started hosting their Fantasy Flight fetish parties. Primarily attended by Black women, it didn’t take long for Jasmine and King to start hearing about how their attendees didn’t “feel good watching” the Black porn that was currently available. So as a result, the pair began making work that was more about being “able to show people of color in a way that most porn does not.”

“[In other porn productions], they’re making us work… They’re not showing a romantic scene where it’s not only about the hardest fucking you’ve ever seen,” King said, before Jasmine went on to say that Royal Fetish tries to give people a more holistic, realistic view of BIPOC sex.

Royal Fetish’s productions tend to focus more on passion and foreplay, all while showcasing sex that isn’t hinged on harmful stereotypes or pigeonholing. And sometimes achieving this is as simple as just letting people be themselves — whether that means allowing models to speak normally or encouraging Black performers to incorporate things that “highlight our culture, like waist beads or headwraps or ankhs.”

“We would never tell [a performer] like, ‘Hey, the jewelry you’re wearing is too cultural. Please leave that out,'” King added. “We also don’t ask people to speak in a way that they wouldn’t naturally speak. For example, we were talking to a performer that’s Asian and they were telling her to not speak clear English. We’re not here to try and sell a caricature. We’re here to actually show people having the sex that they enjoy, but showing how beautiful it is at the same time.”

After all, these kinds of issues were things that King had to experience firsthand as a former performer. And so, by the time the couple had started the Fantasy Flight series, he had already left the industry because his “overall experience from porn wasn’t great,” especially as someone with a background in activism.

“Fetishized porn has made the porn industry be able to fix itself after losing all the money they lost.”

“Since I had been in the porn industry, people were asking me all the time, ‘What was that experience like?,’ especially since I know the history of our people,” King said. “And I was like, ‘Yeah, that’s why I couldn’t really fuck with it.’ There was so much racism going on.”

These racialized fetishes have roots in colonization and are predicated upon “the oppressor always romanticizing and fetishizing the oppressed” — something that’s evident through the continued hypersexualization of Black women or the “big Black cock” fetish in porn. Because as King explained, these particular ideas have roots in the slave auction when white people “would try and choose men with the largest penis, because they felt they would breed the best, or Black women with their hips.” However, the only difference now is that “white people can’t just say that anymore out in the open.”

“They can’t be like, ‘I think Black people are more sexual because of X, Y and Z. So instead, they find it in their porn,” King said. “Or, they think it would be hot to have sex with a woman in a burqa, because they’re told, ‘These people are bad and wrong, and they don’t have sex.’ So as an American conqueror, I want to have sex with a woman in a burqa.”

He continued, “A lot of these really extreme racialized fetishes are a white person conquering these other people sexually. They’re never like, ‘I love Black people because of their ability to overcome obstacles.’ It’s always like, ‘No, I want to fuck Black people, because they have this body part. Or, I want to fuck Asian people, because I think they’re subservient to white people. It’s always that conquering involved in it.”

But in terms of porn’s continued perpetuation of these fetishes, King went on to say that a lot of it can be chalked up to the industry itself cashing in on this content as a way to recoup the losses they incurred from the shift to online.

“You look at porn over the last 10 years, what has been the biggest shit? Interracial, BBC. Right? Latino, Asian,” he said. “Fetishized porn has made the porn industry be able to fix itself after losing all the money they lost from still trying to have craft services and make VHS tapes. But how did porn catch up? Through the fetishization of people of color and Black bodies.”

“You do need to take the time and talk and ask and reassure and check in. Because we have been an abused people, and continue to be.”

Granted, the duo said that the issue likely won’t go away until there is a wider cultural shift toward addressing sex workers and porn. After all, as Jasmine went on to explain, despite porn and sex workers being “everybody’s guilty pleasure,” the puritanical mores that prevent us from admitting to these dirty little secrets mean that we are never forced to face the idea that we may have “this nasty fetish or this dehumanizing idea in this little pocket of my life.”

“No one wants to talk, fix or improve the guilty pleasure. It’s a guilty pleasure for a reason, right? And in order for me to fit in and improve, it would mean that I have to fix and improve the issue that I have within myself,” she said. “But that’s exactly where it stops. With like, ‘Oh, god, this is horrible. But who do I tell about it, because if I tell someone about it, then they know I watch it.’ Or, they’re talking about fetishization, and ‘I wouldn’t like that and I don’t want them to take that away from me. So I’m just gonna silence that. I’m not gonna talk about that.'”

In the meantime though, they said that diversifying porn companies and urging them to have deeper conversations about racial issues are essential steps toward fixing this problem — especially amidst the long-overdue conversations spurred by the Black Lives Matter movement. As King said, “Do you know how much racist shit would be avoided if you had a Black person that worked in your office that could tell you, ‘Nah dude, that’s a bad fucking idea?'”

“A lot of these companies are like, ‘Oh, shit, we’re not racist. We posted Black Lives Matter and now we’re good.’ Meanwhile, the name of their company is Blacked and it’s saying that fucking Black people makes you somehow ‘tainted.’ Or you’re Dog Fart and you’ve been making the most racist shit ever for the last 10 years. Or you’re BangBros who owns Black Patrol,” he added.

“You’re not understanding the ramifications of what you’re putting out there,” he said. “You’re trying to capitalize on it, so a lot of these companies are not trying to get any better. They’re hoping that this will blow over. Or they’ll just want to pick up the group of people that are still racist, that are still looking to buy racist ass porn. And they know that because of the lack of opportunity for Black people in our industry, there’s always going to be somebody who needs to pay the rent or needs to eat, so they’re willing to take a fucked up scene.”

Like other forms of media, Jasmine — who also has a background in psychotherapy with an emphasis on intimacy and post-intimacy trauma — said that ensuring there’s also representation behind the camera will go a long way in terms of creating a safe space with a level of cultural sensitivity toward BIPOC talent, particularly Black performers.

“I do think that there is some value in understanding generational trauma when it comes to people of color, and sex and sexuality. I think sometimes a lot is not understood about the nuances of our sex with pacing, for example,” she said, adding that while some other porn production companies may have good intentions, “understanding the needs of the population that they want to shoot with” is equally as important.

“There is a high turnover rate for people in industry, especially for Black and brown performers because of that pigeon hole that we get placed in.”

“[Especially when productions are rushed], things are not taken into consideration. Like, the type of care our people need. Or why something may take a little longer for somebody who comes from a history of being objectified. That they might need to get into a safe space,” Jasmine continued.

“And I’m not saying you have to take a long history lesson, or do a long Black history lesson to shoot Black people, but you do need to take the time and talk and ask and reassure and check in. Because we have been an abused people, and continue to be. That level of cultural sensitivity I think is missing,” she said.

At the end of the day though, these are all things that Royal Fetish are trying to address — and they’re doing so by leading through example. And the next step? A documentary porn film about a recent all-women production helmed by Jasmine, which will give insight into how exactly they construct a scene with the tenets of consent, passion and kink in mind. And in line with this ethos of visibility, Jasmine and King are also in the process of making an animated video called “Poly Sutra,” in which you’re able to see “Black and Brown bodies enjoying kink in its fullest expression.”

According to Jasmine, they’re also currently developing a new mentorship program dedicated to helping “create longevity in the porn industry for Black and brown performers,” in an effort to help keep BIPOC creatives within adult.

“There is a high turnover rate for people in industry, especially for Black and brown performers because of that pigeon hole that we get placed in. And you can only deal with that for so long, especially at the expense of your body and emotional labor. The expense of the sacrifice you make from your friends, your family and all of the things that come with this stigmatization [of sex work],” she explained, as she detailed the wide set of skills many people don’t necessarily know that they have.

After all, while performers do everything from marketing to accounting themselves, it’s also about knowing that your career in porn “doesn’t have to stop when you are ready to stop shooting.”

“But because it’s a highly stigmatized industry, you really can’t take that information and cross transfer it,” Jasmine said. “So our work will be really helping [BIPOC] people explore other other ways of creating a sustainable career in porn.”

Complete Article HERE!

Intersecting racism and transphobia put transgender women at risk

A Western Sydney University study has found that transgender women from culturally and linguistically diverse (CALD) backgrounds are more likely to be the victim of sexual harassment and violence than other women in Australia.

2295 women participated in a nation-wide survey, which aimed to explore women’s lived experiences of and harassment, and their responses to violence.

Of the survey respondents, 180 were and 15 percent of these women were from CALD backgrounds. 31 transgender women from CALD backgrounds were also interviewed and provided photographs about their experiences.

Professor Jane Ussher from the Translational Health Research Institute (THRI) at Western Sydney University was the lead researcher on the study, which is being published today by Australia’s National Research Organization for Women’s Safety (ANROWS).

Professor Ussher said an overwhelming majority of the women, across all gender and sexual orientations and backgrounds, indicated that they had experienced .

“Over two-thirds of all the women reported that they had experienced a sexual assault from the age of 16. But what really stood out in the results, is that the transgender women from CALD backgrounds were more likely to report sexual harassment and sexual assault than the other women,” said Professor Ussher.

The results indicate that the CALD transgender women:

  • Reported more frequent sexual harassment than other women: 70% were harassed 10 or more times, compared to 40% of non-CALD transgender women, and 56% of cisgender women (women whose gender identity matches their sex at birth.)
  • Were twice as likely to report having been assaulted 10 or more times: 28% compared to 12% of non-CALD trans women, and 16% of cisgender women.
  • Reported the highest rate of sexual assault by a stranger: 44% compared to 26% of non-CALD trans and cisgender women.
  • Were more likely to report being sexually assaulted outside the home: 41% compared to 16% of other women.
  • Received no support from the police or the legal system following assault.

Professor Ussher said the study highlights a terrifying reality for transgender women in Australia—where sexual assault and violence is part of their everyday, lived experience.

“Many women live with an understanding that they may be at risk of sexual assault or violence—but for transgender women, the threat is all pervasive, it’s an everyday occurrence, and the threat of physical or sexual violence is everywhere,” said Professor Ussher.

Professor Ussher said experiences of sexual harassment and transphobia can increase during the gender transition process. When the woman is also from a culturally diverse background, she said racism can occur concurrently and can often compound or exacerbate the acts of physical and sexual violence.

“During the process of gender affirmation, many of the participants experienced transphobic sexual and , which they had not experienced previously,” said Professor Ussher. “Many of the women described a difficult journey towards social acceptance, experiencing intersecting racism and transphobia in public, as well as within workplaces and the queer community. Being able to ‘pass as a woman’ did result in a level of social acceptance and reduced the risk of transphobic violence. However, some women found it more difficult to pass if they did not meet narrow definitions of Anglo or white hetero-femininity.”

The results of the “Crossing the Line’ study and accompanying exhibition of photographs and women’s stories, are being released this week by ANROWS in the report “Crossing the line: Lived experience of sexual violence among trans women of color from culturally and linguistically diverse (CALD) backgrounds in Australia.”

Professor Ussher said the Report highlights some important issues, in relation to transgender women from CALD backgrounds feeling excluded from community support services.

“CALD trans women were more likely to report no support compared to other groups of women,” said Professor Ussher. “Some of the women described negative experiences associated with seeking support from healthcare professionals or the police following sexual violence, with individuals and services being described as transphobic or disrespectful to trans women of color. As a result, many women felt that formal support services, which are typically available to women after sexual assault, were not accessible to them or did not adequately address their concerns and needs.”

ANROWS CEO Dr. Heather Nancarrow said the research demonstrates that the absence of culturally competent information and knowledge about experience, accompanied by misinformation, can lead to stigma, prejudice and discrimination.

“This results in unmet health and justice needs for trans women,” said Dr. Nancarrow. “There is a clear need for community-wide activities that challenge attitudes condoning sexual violence against . This means we must ensure that our words, policies and practice guidelines promote respect for gender, sexuality and cultural diversity. We must demonstrate zero tolerance of sexual against any woman.”

Complete Article HERE!

Stuck at home?

Now’s the time to have these important talks with your kids.

By Phyllis Fagell

As children witness and experience the outpouring of pain in the wake of the deaths of George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor and Rayshard Brooks, they need adults to help them make sense of the unrest, says Baruti Kafele, a social justice educator, former principal and author of “The Assistant Principal 50.”

That conversation is going to look different in black and white households, says Kafele, who is black. When he trains educators, he’ll say: “Raise your hand if you feel the need to have ongoing conversations with your children about what to do if stopped by a police officer.” Invariably, “the black hands go up, or the white ones with black children.” He then explains that parents of black kids can’t opt out of these conversations. “I don’t want my son to get pulled over and lose his life over a broken taillight.”

When he was a teen, Kafele moved with his family to a white town where he felt invisible. “I started to read African American history and discovered who I was, the shoulders I stood on.” If parents don’t have that expansive knowledge base, they need to educate themselves before talking to their child, he says. Otherwise, a parent might not be able to truly help a child understand the impetus and intentions of the protests. “Because of my macro lens, I understand the rage, the anger, the frustration.”

These conversations should happen all the time, Kafele adds, “but now parents have to step up their game and help kids see that these deaths are not isolated aberrations; it’s a continuum from lynchings that have been occurring since African Americans got here 400 years ago.” Assess what your children know, and make space for them to share feelings. He recommends asking: “Do you think everyone is treated equally?”

“As a white parent and educator, I find that white parents often feel ill-equipped to have these conversations because of their lack of experience talking about race, and therefore may avoid them altogether,” says Jen Cort, an educational consultant who focuses on equity, diversity, inclusion and justice. “What white people need to do instead in order to raise anti-racists is examine their racial identity and do their own work through reading, listening, talking to other white people and resisting taxing black people to be their educators or to affirm them as good people.”

Parents need to confront skewed images that show “violent, reductive images of people of color,” and make sure they expose kids to a more positive narrative, says Dena Simmons, an education practitioner-scholar and author of the forthcoming “White Rules for Black People.”

“What I learned growing up as a black girl — in school, on TV, in magazines and books — was my erasure,” she says. “My excellence wasn’t there, and neither was my beauty, scholarship or ingenuity.”

Parents, particularly white parents, “need to pop the bubble and teach, live and act in a way that ensures their children grow up knowing the world outside themselves,” Simmons adds. “Expand their experiences in the world through the activities they do, the conversations you have, the people you interact with, and what they read and watch.”

Money and privilege

So this is an important time to talk about the difference between wants and needs, and to prompt your child to consider how much is enough. “The conversation will feel more real than before the pandemic, particularly for affluent kids who have everything they need and nearly everything they want,” he says. “There are things we can’t have now at any price.” Prompt your child to think about items or experiences they miss, and then ask: “Is there anything that surprises you? What does that tell you? What do those things cost?”

Families who are struggling financially are probably having this conversation already. If you’re not, your child probably knows more than you think. “There’s a decent chance they’re eavesdropping, listening hard, sensing your mood,” Lieber says. If they have questions, ask them what’s on their mind. “Quite often, all they’re asking is, ‘Are we going to be okay?’ ” he explains.

If your child is concerned about a friend’s financial status, “don’t shame them for asking questions that come from curiosity and waking up to the fact that things are not always equal or fair,” Lieber says. Share that many people are having financial difficulties caused or exacerbated by the pandemic, then talk about how the novel coronavirus has exposed or worsened inequities. Look at various indicators, from health care to the homework gap. As Kafele notes: “Your child may not realize that 30 to 35 percent of students — particularly children of color and economically disadvantaged students — lack access to WiFi hotspots and computers and are getting zero education, or that there’s a disproportionate number of covid deaths in African American and Latino communities. Ask your child: ‘Why do you think these disparities exist?’ ”

“Explain that, throughout life, we sometimes need help and sometimes are in a position to give help,” Cort says. “We want kids to see themselves as helpers and feel comfortable when they need to ask for help.”

Grief and loss

“The right time to teach children about loss is when loss occurs, and there’s a lot of loss occurring right now,” says David Kessler, the author of “Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief” and founder of grief.com. “There are micro and macro losses. Grandpa dying is a big loss, but your kids not being able to have graduation or go to school and camp also are losses. There’s no judgment or comparing in loss.”

“We all have to learn disappointment, but usually it’s titrated in small doses. I didn’t get invited to the party or onto the select team,” says psychologist Madeline Levine, the author of “Ready or Not: Preparing Our Kids to Thrive in an Uncertain and Rapidly Changing World.” “The amount of disappointment these kids are absorbing is very high.”

Take time to process your own losses and understand grief, Kessler says. If your child is crying because their baseball team can’t practice, don’t say: “You don’t want to get sick, do you?” That invalidates their loss. Say, “Yes, it’s disappointing,” and explain that feeling sad is a normal reaction to grief. “A feeling only lasts for a few moments, but when we suppress it, we have all these half-felt emotions that never get expressed, and then the day comes when you need to find your emotions and don’t know how,” he says. Model how to cope with difficult feelings by saying things such as, “I’m having a really hard time not seeing my friend Suzy, but I’m looking forward to when we can be together again.’ ”

Sexuality and healthy relationships

Social distancing means kids have to connect in new ways, and you can use that to talk about their relationships. Ask: “What do you need from your friends right now? How can you support them?”

Your child is also spending more time with you, which means you may be watching the same shows or reading the same books. These shared experiences can provide natural segues to talk about relationships without being overly intrusive.

“It’s more fun for all involved when you can get into important topics by way of a favorite character,” says Marisa Nightingale, the media adviser at Power to Decide, an organization that gives young people accurate sexual health information. She notes that a show such as “Black-ish” “dives right into social issues, relationship dynamics and the importance of honest communication.” You can ask: “What would you do if you were in that character’s shoes?”

Use the quarantine to talk to your children about sexuality and their changing bodies. They’re spending more time online and may get exposed to pornography, says Amy Lang, the founder of Birds & Bees & Kids. Signal your openness to questions by providing them with developmentally appropriate books and introducing them to websites such as amaze.org and podcasts such as “Feeling My Flo.” They may want to read or listen on their own, but be willing to discuss the content afterward.

“The narrative is that it’s one talk, and there’s a giver and a receiver,” says sex educator Mackenzie Piper, senior manager of programs at Power to Decide. “We want to change that to be a whole lifetime of age-appropriate conversations.”

Values and meaning

The pandemic has upended school as we know it, both the setting and the role of grades and test scores. It’s a paradigm shift “that could broaden notions of what values go into a good, meaningful life,” Levine says. “We’ve had this incredibly limited view of success that’s so much about performance, but there’s this other set of skills that have been neglected, and I think that conversation is about values.”

“The disruption can be positive if parents are willing to get curious about who their kids are,” says Debbie Reber, founder of tiltparenting.com and author of “Differently Wired: Raising an Exceptional Child in a Conventional World.” “So many of our kids have strengths that have been overlooked. What matters is our kids understanding what they need to become self-actualized adults who can contribute their gifts, because they all have gifts. Maybe that’s an easier sell now.”

Ask questions such as: “What mattered to you this week? Why was that important to you?” Levine says. Then answer the same questions, sharing any disappointments and how you regrouped.

If your children have taken an interest in protests or finding ways to even the disparities in the world, seize the opportunity to help them live out their values. “Parents need to have daily conversations with their child about purpose,” Kafele says. When he taught fifth grade, he had students write essays on the seven principles of Kwanzaa, answering questions such as, “What will I do to forge productive relationships with other people in my school, home and community?” and “How will I go about determining my purpose, and then walk in it despite temptations to deviate from it?” He urges parents to ask their child similar questions.

“Tune into [their] concerns about the world, be it racism, poverty, climate change, bullying or homelessness, and encourage [them] to find a way to create positive change,” adds Michele Borba, the author of “UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World.” You can instill hope and empower them by pointing out the many ways people are working to make a difference, including “the thousands marching peacefully every day together as a multicultural front against hate,” she says.

“The best thing that can come out of this are kids who understand the vicissitudes of life in a way we wish would happen slower, but don’t underestimate the value of figuring out what to do with your time, how to care for one another and be part of a community,” Levine says. “The thing we have to be careful of is that we don’t come out of this, breathe a sigh of relief, and go right back to where we were. It just wasn’t working.”

Complete Article HERE!

Here’s The Real Truth About Polyamory In The Black Community

“I don’t believe in rules. Rules are about trying to wall off an insecurity.”

by Damona Hoffman

[F]irst, let’s get a few ground rules straight. The polyamorists I spoke with do not want to be seen as sex hungry monsters who swing from partner to partner. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the definition of polyamory is the state or practice of having more than one open romantic relationship at a time. So for clarity, we are talking about emotional and physical intimacy here, not just sex.

“Polyamory, Swinging, Open Marriages, Open Relationships, Monogamish and more all fall under the umbrella of non-monogamy but people who are polyamorous are more interested in the relationship and don’t just want to have sex with people,” says editor of the online magazine BlackandPoly.org, Crystal Farmer. “However, a lot poly people have sexual relationships while there are also people who don’t have sexual relationships, who are asexual or don’t have a need for a sexual connection, but consider themselves polyamorous because they are in emotional relationships with other people.”

Are you following? This means you can be polyamorous through sexual relationships or non-sexual emotional relationships or, for most polyamorous people, something in between. The bottom line is that you don’t belong to just one person.

Crystal defines herself as “solo-poly.” “I consider myself my primary partner,” she proclaims. Other than her 7-year-old daughter Crystal explains that she doesn’t want to live with someone again although she says she’s open to having relationships with men, women and gender non-binary individuals.

She was first introduced to the lifestyle by her ex-husband, who wanted an open marriage but asked her to maintain a “one penis policy.” This means that he could bring other women into the partnership and she could have relationships with other females but men were off limits.

Author and speaker Kevin Patterson, founder of the blog PolyRoleModels.tumblr.com, has a very different point of view. He and his wife, who have been together for 16 years, have both maintained relationships with girlfriends and boyfriends with complete trust and transparency.

“I don’t believe in rules. Rules are about trying to wall off an insecurity,” Kevin told me. “When I’m triggered, it inspires me to ask where the insecurity is coming from.” He feels that his partners should all have autonomy.

In his forthcoming book, Love Is Not Color Blind, Kevin discusses what it is like being a Black polyamorous man just as he has done in speaking engagements around the country for years. Borrowing Mahershala Ali’s quote on the Black American experience, “We move through the world playing defense, we don’t have the capacity to play offense,” Kevin says he feels like he’s always defending the legitimacy of his marriage and his decision to be polyamorous to family, the church, and the Black community.

Denika, a 41-year-old polyamorous woman, also felt ostracized from her family and community for choosing to live her life in this way until she discovered the Black polyamorous community online.

A quick search of Meetup.com in my own city of Los Angeles yielded 19 options of polyamory groups to join. But just how diverse are these groups? Crystal, who is based just outside of Charlotte, North Carolina, says that the groups she attends are predominantly white.

She is open to dating someone of a different culture but she admits that she feels more comfortable when there are other people of color in her poly groups.

In addition to meetup groups, OKCupid seems to be a popular date source for the non-monogamous.

“I am a happily married man in a polyamorous relationship” is the first line in Kevin’s dating profile. He finds it easier to date in circles where they already know about your lifestyle so you don’t have to “edu-date” a partner about how non-monogamy works.

Writer/director Alicia Bunyan-Sampson, 29, began using dating sites when she was new to the polyamory community but quickly found that her Blackness was exoticized among the couples on her polyamory dating site. She thought the first message she received, with the subject line “Ebony Seeking Ivory,” was an anomaly but when her inbox filled up with 200 similar messages, she retreated from the world of polyamory.

Although she still feels she is polyamorous, Alicia says in her essay “Diary of a Polyamorous Black Girl” that “white is the face of polyamory and has been for quite some time. It more than likely will remain that way. The face of the world is white – why wouldn’t the poly community be the same?”

Crystal sees there is more shame around polyamory in the African-American community because of our roots in Christianity and conservative values.

Denika recalls a time when her sister asked how her relationship with God played into her decision to be polyamorous. Denika sees intimacy and religion as two separate things yet that doesn’t stop her from noticing a look of disapproval when she tells people in the black community that she is polyamorous.

I turned to intimalogist Dr. Kat Smith to understand the psychology behind the polyamory movement. She sees it as a return to our evolutionary roots. “It goes to show how animalistic humans really are.” If you look at many animal packs, the leader is able to have sex with multiple females. “We are sexual beings first,” says Dr. Kat.

Her concern, however, is that women are ‘going rogue with sexuality.’ She warns, “It’s one thing to claim your freedom and sexual liberation. Another thing to put yourself in harms way by not respecting your body.”

Crystal was met with this sentiment so often that she wrote a blog about it for BlackandPoly.org. She wanted to make it safe for other people who feel like her. “I like having sex but that doesn’t mean that I’m compromising my values or putting my life in danger just for sex,” Crystal declares. “I’m a polyamorous person and I’m proud of it.”

Trust seems to be the highest priority among all the poly individuals I spoke to. Denika notes, “I need to be able to trust people. Sometimes it can be hurtful but I will be upfront with you so you’re not mislead in the end.” She clarifies that she doesn’t do hookups. “If all you want is sex then you need to be upfront with your intentions but don’t waste my time,” Denika explains.

Is polyamory “right” for African-Americans? You will have to draw your own conclusion. What I can say is that the polyamorous people I spoke with all seemed happy with their decision to live life in this way. It’s evident from the growing popularity of sites like BlackandPoly.org and PolyRoleModels.tumblr.com that there is at least a curiosity and an openness to exploring non-traditional relationship options.

Denika’s advice is to “know yourself, explore your sexuality, intimacy, sense of self and be open to something different.”

Complete Article HERE!

Caught in the modesty bind: Why women feel shy to consult doctors for their sexual well-being

By Aditi Mallick

“I was 17, when I first got sexually intimate with my boyfriend,” says Kriya (name changed), a 23-year-old IT professional from Hyderabad, while speaking to The News Minute.

“Later we were very scared, as it was the first time for both of us,” she recalls. She missed her periods that month. The 17-year old who had never once been to hospital alone, was scared and unsure of what to do next.

Trying to glean more information online just added to her worry over getting pregnant. Finally she discussed the issue with her boyfriend, and both of them decided to consult a gynaecologist.

“I was already very scared. After I told the receptionist my age, she kept staring at me. It made me so uncomfortable. While other patients were called by name, when it was my turn, she said ‘Aey, hello.…go!’ I felt so bad.

I expected at least the doctor to act sensitive. She first asked me what happened. When I told her, she started lecturing to me about our culture, and how young I am. It was a horrible experience. After the check-up, once I reached home, I burst out crying,” she shares.

From then on, Kriya has always felt too scared to discuss any sexual health problem with a gynaecologist. She is now 23, but in her view, nothing much has changed.

“Last month, I had rashes all over my vagina right up to my thigh. I just could not walk. It was painful. In the beginning, I used anti-allergic medication and antiseptic cream. But I was finally forced to go to a doctor. But even this time, I was ill-prepared for those weird looks.

The receptionist first asked for my name, then my husband’s name. For a moment, I panicked. After a pause I said, I am unmarried.”

Kriya feels that such unnecessary queries have nothing to do with a particular health problem and should not be asked: “We are adults and should not be judged for such things. After all, it is my decision. But society does not think so.”

Dr Kalpana Sringra, a Hyderabad-based sexologist agrees:“Doctors should not interfere in a patient’s personal life. But sadly, some do. A few are open-minded. They do not care whether the patient is married or not. We do at times have to ask about how frequently they have sex to ascertain the cause.”

Kalpana believes the rigid cultural restrictions and undue secrecy about anything related to sex are what makes patients uncomfortable sharing sexual health issues with their doctors.

Prapti (name changed), a 21-year old second year engineering student says: “Ï had  quite a few relationships, and faced initial problems like bleeding and pain during sex. I sometimes lose interest while having sex, due to this immense pain in the vagina.”

But she does not want to consult a doctor: “I prefer advice from friends. At least, they will not judge me.” She remembers the time she had to consult a doctor two years ago, when after having sex, the pain persisted for a whole day.

“The doctor did not even try to explain the reason. I kept asking her whether it was anything serious. But she deliberately chose to ignore me. Later I heard her murmur ‘this generation….uff’! When I shared this with my friends, I realised they too had been in similar situations.

According to Kalpana, only ten percent women come forward to consult a doctor for sexual well-being, of which the majority are planning to get married soon and want to get themselves checked for infection and related advice.

No woman ever goes to the doctor for this, unless it is absolutely avoidable. Not just unmarried women, but even married ones are ignorant in this regard. Young unmarried women are only more hesitant to ask or seek medical help, fearing society and parents, she says.

“Both married and unmarried women are not comfortable. They mostly come with their partners. To make them feel comfortable, we talk to the women alone. After a while, they open up about their problems.”

She also claims that 20% of women who suffer from vaginal infection like UTI and rashes after marriage too feel shy to discuss it with the doctor: “Men seem more comfortable discussing their sexual problems. 90% of our patients are men. But they tend to come alone.”

That was not the case with Jayesh (name changed), a 27-year old. He used to earlier hesitate to talk about his sexual health: “It was only a year back that I consulted a doctor for premature ejaculation, something that I suffered from the age of 23. I used to think if my friends get to know, they would make fun of me.”

The common issues that men in the age group of 18-80 are premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction. “Most men confess that they force their wives to use contraceptive pills, as they do not want to wear condoms,” Kalpana says.

Gaurav (name changed), a 29-yearold unmarried man insists that he has never forced his girlfriend to use contraceptive pills, but they do sometimes prefer pills over condoms.

Gaurav who is sexually active does not feel ashamed or uncomfortable consulting a doctor, but that is not the case with his girlfriend: “Four years back, she once started bleeding after we had sex. Honestly, I was clueless how to handle the situation and whom to contact. We did not go the doctor, fearing prejudice.

My girlfriend is not at all comfortable consulting a doctor. She usually avoids going to a gynaecologist, as they ask whether we are married or not. It makes her uncomfortable. It happened a few times with us in Hyderabad. That’s why sometimes she prefers to use emergency contraceptive pills rather than consult a doctor.”

“Sex jokes are allowed, but people are otherwise shy talking about sex. Parents do not talk freely on the topic. It is still a taboo for Indian society,” Gaurav remarks.

When Preeti (name changed) -who is now doing an event management course- was in her final BCom year, she led an active sex life:

“I went for a party and got drunk. That night my friend and I had sex. I did not then realise that we had forgotten to use a condom. After missing my periods, I freaked out. I was confused and went to see a doctor. They first asked if I was married. I lied.”

She also admits to feeling uncomfortable while buying I-pills, condoms or pregnancy test devices: “Once a medical shopkeeper asked whether it was for me, with those around giving me judgmental looks.”

Fearing societal disapproval, several unmarried women tend to take medications, after consulting the internet.

“They go to medical stores or send their partners to buy medicines without consulting a doctor. Emergency contraceptive pills have several side-effects like, dizziness, vomiting etc. Some even try to abort through pills, which is life-threatening and can affect their health in the long run,” warns Kalpana.

Complete Article HERE!

SEX WISDOM With Toni Newman — Podcast #299 — 09/21/11

[Look for the podcast play button below.]

Hello sex fans! Welcome back.

Holy cow, I’m giddy with excitement, because I have an extraordinary program in store for you today. I am honored to be welcoming my first transgendered guest to the show. Just to be clear, it’s not like I haven’t reached out to other transgendered people in the past; I have. It just that I was never was able to seal the deal.

So when I contacted Toni Newman, the author of the groundbreaking: I Rise – The Transformation of Toni Newman, I kind of expected the same kind of noncommittal response I got from the other prospective guests. I was so pleasantly surprised to find that not only was Toni willing to come speak with us, she has an inspirational story of survival and triumph over the most amazing odds to tell.

But wait; that’s not all! This show is a twofer, don’t cha know. My guest, our conversation and the themes discussed in this podcast easily fall into both the SEX WISDOM series and the Sex EDGE-U-cation series.

Toni is, of course, among the movers and shakers in the field of human sexuality; who are making news and helping us take a fresh look at our sexual selves. But she’s also a former sex worker who honestly and forthrightly speaks about her life on the streets and as a tranny dominatrix. Hold on to your hats, sex fans, you’ll not find a more startling and revealing interview anywhere on the net.

Toni and I discuss:

  • Being the first African-American transgendered person to write a memoir;
  • The unique perspective of transgendered people or color;
  • Transgender/transsexual;
  • Gender and genitalia;
  • Being shunned by other sexual minorities;
  • Transgender and sexual orientation;
  • Her life before her transition;
  • The difficulties she faced in her transition;
  • The phenomenal expense of a transition;
  • Being a sex worker.

Toni invites you to visit her on her site HERE!  She’s on Facebook HERE! And enjoy her twitter feed HERE!

(Click on the book art below to buy Toni’s book.)

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: DR DICK’S — HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY.

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Who Can I Turn To?

Hello Dr. Dick! I have a serious question for you. I’m relatively new at this, so here goes. In trying to meet and make gay friends, I find that none want a friend. The only interest I find is for sex. Is this typical and is it a waste of time seeking gay friends?
— C

Dear C,

Thanks for your message and question.bw1.jpg

I’ve been hearing a lot of similar complaints from guys all over the country lately. Some are just coming out; others are just weary of the constant sexual competitiveness among gay men.

Let me begin by saying, yes, what you report is pretty typical. And, no, you’re not wasting your time looking for gay friends. That being said, you should also know that making friends in the gay community is often very different than making friends in the straight community. For the most part, the “getting-to-know-you” phase among gay men almost always has a sexual component to it. Is this a good thing? I’ll leave that for you to decide.

Personally, this does not put me off, but that’s only because I understand the ground rules. If you’re approaching gay friendships with a heterosexual mindset, you’ll no doubt encounter some frustration. If, on the other hand, you accept the fact that casual sex is, at least for some, a legitimate means of getting to know someone, and is as good a reason as any for making friends, there will be less disappointment.

This can be very challenging for those whose sexual mores are not that open-ended. On the other hand, this can be an opportunity to open oneself up sexually and to learn to appreciate a wider range of sexual expression from the very casual to the deeply committed.

Good luck

Richard,
I really do appreciate your taking the time to respond. Yes, I am finding it difficult to navigate the gay waters. I’m not completely out and the primary reason (one could argue other reasons) has to do with what I see in the gay community. I don’t see the warmth or open friendliness I see in the Black community for example.
I recently moved to a new city in Indiana and joined a local predominately Black church. Even though I didn’t know anyone I was welcomed with open arms. The people there often invite me to events and gatherings. I have done the same in the gay community and it seems so cold and icy. I have attended a predominately gay church, joined a gay support group, etc. In none of these gay environments did I ever feel welcome. Few, if any, made any attempt to say hello let alone invite me to anything.
Without fail, each time I try to make a gay friend it’s unsuccessful because either they aren’t attracted to me or they are attracted to me but I’m not sexually attracted to them. But I have always welcomed the friendship.
Of course the most insulting thing happens when they ask for a face picture of me (those I meet on the Internet), even though I make it clear I’m only interested in friendship. Though they claim they are only interested in the same, in most instances once they see my face PIC they lose interest. Now, please explain to me why what I look like has anything to do with becoming a friend? Now, I may not be attracted to that person physically, but I would never not want to be a friend because of someone’s looks.
So, it seems I have few choices. I can sleep with someone I have absolutely no sexual interest in just in hopes of having a gay friend. Or, I can forget the gay friendship thing all together and accept the fact that having straight friends is the best way to go.
One more thing, it never fails that if there is someone I find very attractive, they are never interested in me. Never fails. I always attract guys that are 5 feet tall or 300 lbs and out of shape or 70 years old. Just once I would like someone around my age, my height and in relatively good shape. LOL! It seems the easiest thing is simply to find a gay male prostitute and pay him. Keep it all clear, business like and to the point. No games or issues. If I were rich that would be a great option.
I won’t even go into racism within the gay community…it’s just a mess. Most white guys won’t give a Black guy the time of day. <G>
Now I know what straight women go through. Gay men are even more superficial, so small wonder that relationships just don’t last and the ones that do are always, “open”
Okay, I’ve vented enough. LOL! Again, thanks for giving me some of your time.
— C

Dear C,

I kinda figured you were still in the closet. And, yes, that does have a lot to do with howblackcock.jpg other gay men perceive you. I mean, how would you respond to a fellow black man who was trying to pass himself off as white?

I’m glad you brought up the warm reception you are receiving in your black church. You are welcomed there because they recognize you; you are familiar to them. No big stretch for either them or you, huh? I wonder though, would they be as welcoming and inclusive if they knew you were a big ol’ gay homosexual? Probably not! Sexual bigotry can and does trump even the strongest bonds that shared race and ethnicity engender.

Your reception in the gay community is similarly determined. Ambivalence about one’s sexuality, like ambivalence about one’s race, sends a strong message to the community at large. It declares to the group that the individual is not to be trusted, at least not until he proves himself worthy of that trust. Seems to me, you’re expecting more of a stretch from your gay sisters and brothers then you’re asking of your black church. And that double standard adds to your alienation.

Despite your protestations to the contrary, you do discriminate for superficial reasons, just like most of your gay (and non-gay) peers. Check it out, your words betray you. Apparently there is no room in your circle of friends for effeminate men, guys who are much older than you, or, god forbid, anyone who is out of shape.

Ahhh the heartland, beautiful Indiana! There’s another big part of your problem right there. Even I know that Indiana is not a hot bed of big ol’ gay homosexual-ism. Most of the guys you’re trying to relate to, there in the Hoosier State, are probably closeted or semi-closeted just like you. That kind of stultifying atmosphere breeds fear and mistrust. It also militates against intimacy and openness. But don’t underestimate the resilience and adaptability of us gay folk. Even in deepest darkest Indiana there are gay couples successfully living out their lives together with pride and love in very long-term relationships.

You conclude that you now know what straight women go through. How very insightful! Solidarity with women and others who have been sexually oppressed or objectified does us men a world of good. It should help keep us humble.

So bro, high marks for your critique of the gay community. (Although, how difficult is it to point out the obvious?) Lucky for you, I have a sure-fire way to immediately improve the status quo. Get off your pity pot and jettison all those bogus reasons for remaining closeted. Nowadays, coming out is not optional; it’s a fundamental developmental task that each of us must face, even those who live in god’s country. Failure to address this basic responsibility to yourself will stunt your growth as a human being, because you’ll never be able to live an authentic life. You, and most of those around you, will always know you’re living a lie. Coming out will make you a better person, improve your local gay community and make the world a better place to live…because one more person — YOU — are being true to yourself.

And while you’re working on the task at hand, don’t be so hard on yourself or your gay brothers. None of this is easy. Each of us is fighting our own demons, and sometimes that battle is so fierce that we don’t immediately recognize the folks around us who could and would be our natural allies.

Good luck