Real Couples Discuss The Key To Making An Open Relationship Work

By Morgan Mandriota

Monogamy is our society’s default relationship model. Once you find the one, you get engaged. Then you get married. And voilà! You’re with one person for the rest of your life. This might be a comforting happily ever after for some. For others, it can sound and feel like a trap. Good news: There are alternative options for those who feel limited by monogamy, one of which includes open relationships.

As it happens, more than 20% of people in the United States who participated in a 2016 study reported engaging in some form of consensual non-monogamy (CNM). “Open relationships can fall within a broad spectrum that depends on a couple’s needs and their comfort level,” explains dating coach and founder of The Broom List Tennesha Wood. “The term open generally refers to the practice of ethical non-monogamy [ENM] in which couples open their relationship to the possibility of including other people in some way; emotionally, romantically, and/or sexually.”

While open relationships are certainly becoming less taboo and more widely understood in the present day, there are still tons of misconceptions surrounding them. Wood says the most common include:

  • They’re all about sex.
  • People in open relationships are unable to commit.
  • People in open relationships are confused and don’t know what they want.
  • These types of arrangements mean one or both parties no longer want to be with the other.

None of the above are accurate. Open relationships don’t have to be purely physical. Commitment issues aren’t always the case, either. There doesn’t have to be confusion to have a more free-wheeling arrangement. And you can want to be with your partner while wanting others, too. So why would a couple choose non-monogamy? And why is it worth it for them to make their open relationship work despite the challenges that can arise?

TZR tapped Wood for her tips on how to navigate open relationships and interviewed individuals on why they choose to be in one and what they do to make it work.

Set Clear Boundaries

“Open relationships should not be entered into casually or without clear boundaries,” Wood says. “Each person should have a clear vision of what they want outside of their primary relationship. From there, they can decide which form of [ENM] best fits their needs.”

Wood lists four popular types of open relationships to choose from:

  • Monogamish: having occasional strictly sexual encounters with other people
  • Swinging: having sex with another couple or swapping partners
  • Polyamory: having multiple sexual and romantic relationships simultaneously
  • Relationship anarchy: having multiple relationships without a hierarchy; no relationship is “primary” and everyone is considered equal in terms of priority

She recommends couples discuss individual and shared boundaries by asking each other the questions like: How much do you want to know about who your partner is involved with sexually or romantically? Do you want to be there or participate in your partner’s sexual activities? Are there sexual acts that are off-limits?

“No matter where on the spectrum couples decide to land, open relationships will involve trial, error, and flexibility,” she says. “Open relationships can change and evolve and it’s important that couples openly communicate at every stage of the process and allow room for change.”

Prioritize Open Communication

Before opening up your relationship, Wood suggests ensuring your reasons and goals align. “For couples who have a healthy partnership, allowing others in can foster exploration, honesty, and communication,” she says. “Opening a relationship that has existing trust or communication issues will not solve those issues. In fact, it makes them worse.”

“I’m in an open relationship because, in my current partnership, this translates to radical honesty with ourselves and each other,” says Dez*, 26. “The sexy and difficult conversations strengthen my relationship and bond with my partner in a really intense way that wouldn’t manifest otherwise, and that’s why I prefer the ‘open’ paradigm we’ve created.”

For Gina*, 29, sharing feelings and needs is key within her open partnership (where she’s the only one who actively engages in non-monogamy). “Since I grew up religious, I always told my husband I wanted to know how it felt to be with someone else. I’d [spend] late nights talking about it and he wasn’t bothered or scared,” she recalls. He eventually told her he’d give her a hall pass, especially because having another partner could help to relieve her anxiety while he’s out of state for work for days. “He’d see that when he was gone days at a time, I’d have another partner and that’d help me a lot to be calm [before] he’d come back home.” She’s been with other people ever since.

While Gina’s husband is not choosing to engage in other relationships for himself, the two have figured out how to make the open dynamic benefit them both. “[Opening our marriage] strengthens us because we have no secrets and there’s no fear of cheating. I’ve always had a bad temper and when he allowed me to continue outside marriage relationship(s), it has made me be more patient. I’d get angry for very small things and now I think, ‘If he can allow me to have another partner and be so mature about it, why do I get upset about little things?’”

Remember That Jealousy Can Be A Factor

Don’t be fooled: Jealousy still exists in open relationships. And it takes a ton of self-awareness and openness to process it in a healthy way together in order to keep things from going awry.

“I’m lucky to have an extremely patient partner who’s willing to be really gentle and caring with me when jealousy and insecurity arise in me,” adds Dez, who feels prone to jealousy due to tumultuous past relationships. “He’s more able to hold jealousy as an emotion equal to any other emotion, and alchemize the feeling into something more sensual, rather than an ugly thing to be feared. This is something I admire in him and that I strive toward, because being controlled by an emotion, for me, feels like being in prison, and the door’s wide open,” she explains. “I want to be free! And I can, just by choosing not to cling to jealousy.”

Set Rules That Honor Your Needs

Some partners want to know every detail about every date. Others have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.

Aaliyah*, 24, has a sugar arrangement and additional casual partners outside of it. “[My sugar daddy and I] originally had an open [relationship] where we talked about our other partners, and this made him too jealous, so he didn’t want to talk [about them] anymore,” she says, noting that she personally loves hearing about his experiences.

As for Gina, what she “can and can’t” do changes with each partner outside of her marriage, but it’s always discussed and agreed upon with her husband. Some of the rules within her partnership over the last few years include:

  • Share your body but not your love.
  • Call when you arrive at a date.
  • Her husband has to be on board with each relationship.
  • Each new partner has to know and accept the fact that she has a husband and he is aware of the arrangement.
  • Make sure you feel safe, and call ASAP if not.

Breaking Free From Societal Norms

“What I like most about being in an open relationship is saying ‘f*ck you’ to the deeply entrenched religious institutions and misogynistic ideals I was born into,” says Nikki*, 28. “These institutions say that I’m fulfilled as a woman only when I enter marriage, that I must remain subservient and docile, that I must feel ashamed of any sexual encounter that lies outside of reproduction. These institutions (heteronormatively) tell me to hate other women who threaten my bond with my partner.”

For her, non-monogamy destroys those rules and offers space to get curious and explore ideas that make the most sense to her and her partner. “Being in an open relationship, for me, is about exploration, playfulness, and the diminishing of fear of the dark, messy feelings,” she says. “I’m aware of the journey ahead — to unravel many years of programming/conditioning that I didn’t have a say in and I’m ready for this hard work, for this opportunity to set fire to the shame that was never mine to carry.”

Embrace A World Of Endless Opportunity

Aaliyah personally enjoys having the freedom to explore her feelings to the fullest: “I don’t have to worry about if it’s OK or not. It should be OK!”

“If somebody gets jealous, we’ll generally talk about the value of the relationship,” she says. “If they’re OK with just not talking about it and keeping it under the table, that usually works. If not, it’s just not compatible.” It’s up to you and your partner(s) to decide which dynamics and rules work best for you. Openly communicating about your wants and needs will help you get there.

She also loves being able to experience other people’s worlds and lives. “I believe relationships are something to be explored and enjoyed, and they’re one of the most exciting parts of life,” she says. “I don’t believe in only one person forever. Yes to a life partner, but no to a one and only. It allows me to experience things outside of my normal realms of possibilities.”

Ultimately, it’s up to you and your partner to decide which rules work best for your relationship. Each partnership is different. But if these stories teach anything, it’s that open relationships are worth the effort if maximum freedom, pleasure, joy, and opportunities are your priorities.

*Last names have been omitted for privacy.

Complete Article HERE!

Could Opening Up Your Relationship Fix It?

By Quinn Rhodes

What does an open relationship have in common with getting married, having a baby and moving in with your partner? That’s right: none of them is a way to fix problems in a relationship. With an increased awareness of non-monogamous relationship structures, the myth that polyamory is a ‘fix’ for a broken relationship is also gaining momentum.

However, the reality is that non-monogamy isn’t ever easy – and it definitely won’t fix a relationship that’s not working.

Non-monogamous, polyamorous, open, monogamish – these are all words to describe relationships that fall under the umbrella of non-monogamy, where people date, have sex and have romantic relationships with more than one person. The language people use to describe their relationships, as well as the intricacies of how they work, is different for each person and each relationship. But one thing is generally true across the board: opening up your relationship is unlikely to be the solution to the issues you’re experiencing within it.

That’s not to say that people don’t try. Dr Liz Powell, a licensed psychologist specialising in non-monogamous relationships, explains that they see this a lot. They describe it as the phenomenon of “relationship broken? Add more people!” In Dr Powell’s view, too often people try to apply polyamory like a plaster when they’re struggling with differences in sexual desires or how they want to split their time and priorities.

An open relationship could, theoretically, help with those issues. In reality, problems often begin when someone is feeling hurt, unheard or unseen by their partner. Without resolving that conflict in the first instance, and instead just opening up the relationship, you allow that pain to fester and resentment to build on top of the struggles you’re already experiencing and, crucially, communication that perhaps isn’t working.

Dr Powell says: “If you’re already struggling to talk about what you want and need, if you’re already struggling to advocate for your needs or have those needs met, non-monogamy is unlikely to fix those problems – aside from the fact that it’s likely to end your relationship.”

If you’re already struggling to talk about what you want and need, if you’re already struggling to advocate for your needs or have those needs met, non-monogamy is unlikely to fix those problems.

If you’re already struggling to talk about what you want and need, if you’re already struggling to advocate for your needs or have those needs met, non-monogamy is unlikely to fix those problems.
Dr Liz Powell

For Sam, who is 30 years old and non-binary, opening up their relationship did bring it to a very necessary end. After half a decade without sex, and a partner who wouldn’t discuss it, they had given their then-partner an ultimatum: they could open up the relationship so Sam could get their sexual needs met or they could break up. Opening up their relationship “revealed all the weaknesses, all the communication flaws and the fact it was abusive”. So they broke up.

Sam realised that while they had initially approached polyamory for the “wrong” reasons, they still wanted it. Their monogamous relationship hadn’t been working and opening it up didn’t fix that – but it did help them understand what they actually want from a relationship.

Twenty-nine-year-old Ellen and her now-fiancé had discussed ethical non-monogamy for a while before they opened up their relationship, after she confessed that she had a crush on someone in her running group. Her fiancé told her it was totally fine and that he also had crushes on people sometimes. When they initially opened their relationship, they tried to enforce strict boundaries, like ‘no one we know’ or ‘no sleepovers’. “I found myself going back and asking if we could actually modify those rules,” says Ellen.

While these rules may seem to make sense, they run up against the fact that people are, well, people. Human hearts are hard to predict and even harder to control. Lots of couples approach non-monogamy like this, thinking that if they create the right rules then they won’t fall in love. The reality is far messier.

Dr Powell explains that strict rules about how people should and shouldn’t feel usually end up creating more conflict. “All it does is create new ways to have fights about people having feelings that are totally reasonable and normal feelings to have when you’re interacting with other people.”

Non-monogamy is not a wand you can wave and magically fix your relationship. It might just put it under a microscope and expose all the cracks in it.

In looking for a quick fix, people can seriously underestimate just how much work goes into opening up a relationship. Despite the tropes we see whenever polyamory gets any visibility, most non-monogamous people are not constantly attending sex parties full of super attractive people. It’s less throuples and threesomes, and much more coordinating calendars and having hard conversations about everyone’s emotions.

Both Ellen and Sam put in a huge amount of practical work to maintain their relationships. Ellen also has a secondary partner (a secondary relationship is one where, either by intent or by circumstance, the partners have less involvement than their primary relationship) and her open relationship with her fiancé really forces them to communicate. “We check in with each other constantly and plan our own date nights – particularly if we’ve been busy. And while that could mean with other people, more often it means with work or life stuff that bogs us down.”

Dr Powell says that monogamy and non-monogamy take the same skills and require the same things in order to function well – it’s just that in non-monogamy you can’t assume that the normal ‘scripts’ of a relationship apply. You spend more time communicating out of necessity, because you can’t fall back on society’s defaults about what your relationship ‘should’ look like.

Kelvin, who is 23 years old and a trans guy, has had to do a lot of personal growth to make his current non-monogamous relationship work. “I had to learn that it’s okay to be insecure and while nobody else owes you comfort about it, you should feel able to communicate and talk about it in your relationships.”

For Ellen, opening up her relationship gave her a lens to explore her own vulnerabilities and look at what’s important to her in a relationship. She’s learned how to handle rejection – something you don’t expect to feel the sting of when you’re in a long-term partnership – and the difference between privacy and secrecy.

While she likes to share her experiences as a way of feeling close to her fiancé, he prefers not to talk about the other people he’s seeing. She knows that this doesn’t mean he’s hiding anything from her: he’s allowed to process his feelings internally and he has different ways of building intimacy with her. “I’m learning to accept that I can’t be everything for my partner, just like he’s not everything for me. And that’s okay! He’s still my favourite person, and I’m thrilled to be building a life together with him.”

When non-monogamy works for people, all of this work is worth it, but in the process of normalising non-monogamous relationships, portrayals of polyamory often gloss over all of this work. And as Sam, who currently has two nesting partners and a girlfriend, points out – they miss out the laundry.

Even if you’re prepared to do the work (and the laundry), non-monogamy might not be for you. In certain non-monogamous circles, you find the idea that polyamory is somehow a ‘morally superior’ relationship structure. It’s not; it’s just a different relationship structure, one that may or may not work for you. However, there can be a sense – especially in queer spaces – that polyamory is the ‘right’ thing to do.

This is what Kelvin felt when he and his partner opened up the first relationship he was in. He says that they dove into it without understanding the difficulties that come with navigating non-monogamy. Having been socialised in online queer spaces, polyamory was considered a completely legitimate choice (which is excellent), but as a trans person who wanted to date other trans people, it also felt like the only choice Kelvin was given (which is not).

Associating non-monogamous relationships with always being the secondary partner and being held at an emotional distance, Kelvin wasn’t sure polyamory was for him. In his current relationship, however, his nesting partner really puts in the work to ensure he doesn’t feel replaceable or disposable. This time around, pursuing non-monogamy feels a lot more deliberate for Kelvin. “I’m doing it because I want to date and see all the people I’m dating and seeing, not because it feels like I have to choose between letting my partner date other people and not having a partner.”

It’s easy to hope that opening up a relationship will fix your problems. It’s much harder to look at what might be causing those problems and unpacking the assumptions you hold about relationships and how they’re not serving you. Dr Powell suggests that it’s unhelpful to think of opening up your relationship as adding more people to it. Instead, you should think about it as breaking down everything you know about your relationship and building it up from scratch.

In fact, whether or not you want a non-monogamous relationship, negotiating exactly what your relationship is going to look like – rather than relying on the scripts we’re sold as to how relationships ‘should’ look – will probably help you.

Non-monogamy is not a wand you can wave and magically fix your relationship. It might just put it under a microscope and expose all the cracks in it. Polyamory is incredible, sure, but it’s incredible because of the vulnerable and intimate ways we connect to other people. And because we’re human, with hearts that rarely behave exactly as we’d like them to and feelings that won’t always do what they’re told, those connections require as much work and investment as monogamous ones

Complete Article HERE!

7 Signs a Monogamous Relationship Isn’t For You

According to a polyamorous sex therapist.

By Rachel Wright

Monogamy is all around us. It’s the relationship style we see every day in the media, pop culture, religion, and, generally, in our everyday lives.

Unfortunately, compulsory monogamy is also all around us. Compulsory monogamy culture assumes that everyone strives to be married (or partnered) to/with one person and finds complete fulfillment in that romantic endeavor. It’s the idea that this one romantic partner not only completes us, but also fulfills every need and desire we have. (And FYI, even if you do want one partner, it’s still impossible for that one person to meet all your needs).

Many people who are just beginning to navigate their sexual desires and romantic relationships are taught that monogamy is the only relationship structure available to them. As a polyamorous sex therapist, I believe when someone knows their options for relationship structures, they can decide what feels best for them.

Knowing that non-monogamy is an option does not mean that it will be for everyone — it simply allows people to decide what relationship structure and boundaries work for them while eliminating the shame some may feel when they have a hard time fitting into the monogamy mold.

It’s super important to note that practicing monogamy doesn’t put you on a higher moral ground than someone practicing ethical non-monogamy (ENM). And practicing ENM doesn’t put you on a higher moral ground than someone who is monogamous. Your relationship structure is just that. How you treat other humans determines what moral ground you’re on, not your relationship structure. Just trust that everyone is making the best, informed decision for what feels the best for their life.

So, let’s go over what exactly ethical non-monogamy is. Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term for all relationships where all partners are aware of the dynamic and consent to their partner(s) either dating or having sex outside of the relationship. Some of the ways folks can practice ethical non-monogamy are stranger sex, polyamory, random hookups, relationship anarchy, swinging, and friends with benefits.

Quite a few myths surround ethical non-monogamy, so let’s tackle the stigmas first before diving in!

Myth: Ethical non-monogamy is cheating.

Reality: Non-ethical non-monogamy is cheating. Cheating is the non-monogamy part without communication or consent. Anytime we aren’t being truthful to people who trust us is not ethical — ever.

Myth: Something is wrong or lacking in the “primary” relationship.

Reality: Practicing ENM brings folks closer together, presents many new challenges, and it’s not meant as a “hail mary” to save a relationship. Ideally, and in what I’ve seen in my practice, most folks who decide to try or practice ENM are fully happy together. In the same way that a single person ideally needs to be a complete human before entering into a relationship, a couple will have more success and have healthier relationships if they are solid and happy.

Myth: Ethical non-monogamy is an excuse not to commit.

Reality: Commitment doesn’t necessarily mean exclusivity to genitals, and everyone’s definition of commitment is different. Just like you can be committed to multiple friendships, you can be committed to multiple romantic relationships as well — and there’s nothing wrong with being single, whether you identify as monogamous or not!

Myth: Ethical non-monogamy is all about sex.

Reality: For some, yes, and that’s perfectly okay. For most, ENM is complicated because of our compulsive monogamous culture, and those complications are “too much” for “just sex.” It’s also a naive understanding of ENM, to begin with — we don’t assume monogamous people are only together for sex, so it’s silly to assume the same of ENM.

Myth: Ethical non-monogamy can’t work long term.

Reality: There are so many happy ENM individuals, couples, throuples, quads, and families living worldwide. Because of the compulsive monogamous culture we’re living in, we just don’t get to hear much about this!

Isn’t it interesting that it’s the societal norm to have one romantic partner, whereas it’s entirely “normal” for us to have many friends? We don’t ever ask, “won’t your other friends be jealous if you see that friend tonight?” Romantic relationships are relationships, just like friendships are relationships. Relationships are relationships are relationships are relationships are relationships are relationships. If you love your friend and your other friend, you know what it’s like to love two people and what it’s like to be in multiple relationships with varying levels of intimacy — sex or not!

Now that we’ve defined what ethical non-monogamy is and isn’t — let’s talk about the signs that monogamy may not be the best relationship design for you (and that you may be wired for ethical non-monogamy!) Please note that this list is not comprehensive. Also, every person is wired differently, so remember to take extra care and use compassion with yourself and others when thinking about this stuff.

Signs Monogamy Isn’t Right For You

You have a history of “serial monogamy.”

A serial monogamist feels most comfortable in committed relationships. They have a series of monogamous relationships and don’t typically take breaks between relationships to be single or to casually date. This is the closest thing to ENM there is while still practicing monogamy. Usually, when a serial monogamist ends a relationship to move to another one, it is because they want to try something new and have been told that means they need to end their existing relationship. So, they do — and the pattern forms.

You’ve cheated in your past relationships.

We talked about how cheating is “bad.” Still, often when someone cheats, it’s not because they are trying to be malicious — it’s often because they are missing something in their life, acting out, processing trauma, or trying to navigate a lifestyle that is expected of them.

For example, many people who cheat while married don’t wish to be divorced — but want a casual sex partner that isn’t their life partner that they do taxes with. This is an AND. Not everyone who cheats has intention — sometimes, they just do it without thinking. If you’ve cheated in past relationships, ask yourself about your motivation. Did you want out of the relationship? What were you looking for? Was something missing in your relationship, or was it truly an AND?

You don’t think there’s one person out there that can fulfill everything you desire, want, and need.

If you’re feeling this way, it’s likely felt super confusing at times when the world is screaming monogamy at us. And I want to remind you that it’s okay to try things out in our lives and see how they feel! You don’t have to label yourself as something to try it out — you can try it on for a bit and see if it feels natural and most you. The same goes for ENM relationships!

If this is something you have been desiring, by all means, start ethically dating multiple people and exploring this part of you. What’s interesting about toxic monogamy culture is that it doesn’t realize that we already have so many people in our lives meeting different needs for us — it’s not just our partner(s). If you want this but in a romantic capacity as well — go for it! It’s out there!

You have or have had the desire to have multiple sexual and/or romantic relationships at once.

I want to put this in perspective for you — sex and romance with different people are just that, different. I’ve heard people say, “but won’t you be worried your partner will leave you if they have better sex with someone else?” There’s a lot to break down here, but firstly — no, I’m not. If what’s keeping my partner with me is solely my genitals, we have much bigger problems. Relationship foundations aren’t just based on sex and romance, AND it’s quite natural to want this kind of intimacy with multiple people.

You’ve felt the desire to explore a relationship more freely than you’ve been able to.

Have you ever met someone and immediately felt chemistry of some sort? It’s that feeling of “wow, this person needs to be in my life, and I want to know them and do things with them” — even before knowing what those things are? Yeah. Same.

Usually, we meet people in a context — we’re set up on a romantic date, or we get introduced to someone for business — we’re told the role this person could and will play in our lives before we even interact with them. If you’ve ever felt the feeling or thought, “I wish I could see what was really here between us,” sexually or romantically, you may be wired for ethical non-monogamy.

Something is missing for you — even though you adore your current partner.

One of the myths monogamy teaches us is that it’s “wrong” or “bad” if our one partner doesn’t meet all of our needs. “Well, they must not be “the one” if we feel like something is missing for us,” we’ll think or say to ourselves.

Just because you want more of something or want an AND doesn’t have to correlate with how much you love your current partner. It’s just the reality — you want more. And that is absolutely 100%, a-okay.

You believe that communication is important, emotions are valuable, and it’s worth having hard conversations to live a life you’re fulfilled with.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “Oh my goodness, okay, that’s me, I think I want to try ENM, but how do I even bring this up to my partner? Don’t worry; I’ve got you.

When approaching our partners about new desires, possibilities, or opportunities, it’s best to approach them with gentleness, curiosity, and empathy — always empathy.

It starts with AEO — acknowledge, explain, offer. Acknowledging to your partner that you understand where they are coming from helps let them know that you care about their feelings and emotions, too. Explaining and being honest about your feelings helps them see you — it also helps them know why the thing you are discussing is so important to you. Offering opportunities to your partner gives them autonomy to decide their boundaries, what they are comfortable with, and if they want to continue the current conversation.

Our partners, and any relationship for that matter, will be far more positively responsive if we approach them with an offer instead of an ultimatum.

Here are examples of how to use AEO in conversation:

A: “I know we’ve never really talked about monogamy before.”

A: “On our first date, we talked about threesomes, and since then, we haven’t really talked about monogamy.”

E: “I feel scared to talk about this concept with you.”

E: “I feel excited about the idea that we could ethically and honestly have multiple partners.”

O: “Can I share an article I found with you about this?”

O: “What I’d love to do is find a time to talk about ENM and an article I read; what do you think?”

Bottom line: Monogamy isn’t for everyone. Ethical non-monogamy isn’t for everyone.

We cannot possibly know what’s best for ourselves unless we understand what we’re choosing and that we actually have a choice. Whether you go forth and practice intentional monogamy or take a leap into mindful ENM, continue to be intentional and learn. There isn’t one right way to “do” relationships, and figuring out what aligns best for you (and your partner) is an integral part of the evolution of your relationship(s).

Complete Article HERE!

A Beginner’s Guide To Polyamory

— How It Works & How To Know If It’s For You

By Stephanie Barnes

Growing up, most of us weren’t exposed to polyamory or polyamorous relationships. That’s because monogamy is the most common approach to love and relationship, and it’s ingrained into the very fabric of society. Maybe your parents have been married for decades, or maybe all the other relationships you witnessed only involved two people. While monogamy might seem like the only way to go, in reality there are so many other ways to approach love. We all have the right to choose, and more and more people are choosing to pursue polyamorous unions.

What is polyamory?

Polyamory is a form of consensual or ethical non-monogamy wherein people may have romantic relationships with multiple people at the same time, says sex and relationship coach Azaria Menezes. “Everyone involved in the polyamorous relationship has consented to the relationship dynamic,” she adds.

The word polyamory can be broken down into two parts: poly, which has Greek origins and translates to “many or more than one,” and amor, which is Latin and means “love.” Together, the word refers to having many loves. Even though the word itself hasn’t been around for that long, polyamory has been in practice since the beginning of time, according to Menezes.

“Of course, there are many ways people can structure what their relationships look like, and so there can be many types and structures of polyamory,” she tells mbg.

Polyamory vs. polygamy.

While the words sound similar, polyamory and polygamy aren’t the same thing. In fact, they’re very different, according to Kamela Dolinova, a counselor who works with the polyamorous community.

Like monogamy, Dolinova explains, polygamy has to do with marriage: being married to many people rather than one (mono). But historically, most polygamous cultures have only allowed for one man marrying many women. Women have rarely had the freedom to marry several men or to have relationships with anyone other than their husband.

“Polygamy tends to operate as an oppressive double-standard, often for the purpose of producing many children,” she says. “Polyamory, on the other hand, may involve any number of people and a mix of genders, each of whom may or may not be married to anyone.

How does polyamory work?

There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to any relationship, and that also applies to polyamorous ones. Everyone does polyamory a little differently. There are no rules set in stone, but the people involved in any given relationship create their own boundaries and agreements. The key is to make sure you are honoring whatever boundaries and agreements were made and openly communicating your desires if they’ve evolved beyond the original terms.

Here are a few ways polyamory might look:

1. “Opening” an existing relationship

Sometimes a couple will “open up” their relationship, Dolinova says, which might mean one or both of them begin to date other people (with each other’s mutual consent). It could also sometimes mean a third person dates both of the partners, forming a three-person relationship (also known as a throuple). Alternatively, two couples might choose to become romantically or sexually involved with each other.

2. The hierarchical approach

Within a polyamorous relationship, some may choose to prioritize one partner above others, making that person their “primary” partner. There’s also the option to have multiple primary partners or leave the space for additional relationships that could blossom to primary level, or those who prefer the hierarchical approach might opt to stick with one primary relationship. In this setup, the other partners are considered secondary partners, and they often must accept pre-existing rules or limits on time defined by the primary relationship members.

But while the words primary and secondary have been used for a long time to indicate more hierarchical relationships, many people now find these “oppressive,” Dolinova says. Some people instead (or additionally) use the term nesting partners to refer to partners that share a home or living space.

3. The non-hierarchical approach

A polyamorous relationship can also exist without placing one partner or relationship above others, which is sometimes referred to as relationship anarchy. You don’t have to have any primary partners; you could instead choose to have multiple relationships without ranking them. Terms like nesting partners can still be useful to simply indicate partners that you live with without implying a hierarchy.

4. Solo polyamory

“Some people practice ‘solo polyamory,’ where they have several partners but don’t live with any of them. You might say there are as many ways to practice polyamory as there are people in such relationships. The only common thread is that all people involved need to know about one another and be willing to communicate,” Dolinova explains.

Polyamory terms to know:

  • Ethical non-monogamy: This is the umbrella term for consensual relationships where people agree to have more than one romantic or intimate relationship at a time. This means that whoever is involved in this relationship is in the know and agrees to the relationship dynamics.
  • Metamour: This is your partner’s partner. Metamours may or may not interact with each other, depending on the structure of the relationship.
  • Polycule: A polycule is the group of all the people who are somehow connected through the romantic relationships they are in. This doesn’t mean that they all have to be dating each other.
  • Polysatured: A term for when a person is polyamorous but not currently open to new partners or relationships.
  • Compersion: The word compersion describes the feeling of being happy, turned on, or excited about the idea of your partner being happy, romantically or sexually, with another person.
  • Triads and quads: Relationships that involve three people or four people. The triad could also be referred to as a throuple, which means each person is actively dating the other two people in the relationship. A quad could consist of two couples.
  • V or vee: A V relationship occurs when two people are both dating a third person, but they’re not dating each other. The third person is often referred to as the “hinge.”
  • Nesting partner: A partner you live with. They may or may not also be considered a “primary partner,” meaning that you prioritize them above other relationships.

Is polyamory illegal?

No. Polyamory isn’t illegal, but there are limitations for these unions. According to Dolinova, there aren’t any laws preventing consenting adults from having more than one loving relationship at a time, but being married to more than one person is indeed illegal in (most of) the United States.

“Some polyamorous people would like for marriage freedoms to be extended so that groups of three or four or more could share the rights and benefits conferred by the legal institution of marriage. Groups who are raising children together would especially benefit from this,” she explains. “There can certainly be high social consequences for polyamorous people, though, ranging from not being recognized as a family by a workplace to having children taken away. So, while it’s not illegal per se, it does still exist in a kind of social gray area.”

Can polyamory be bad or toxic?

Most things can be wonderful for one person and not great for someone else. There’s a common misconception that polyamory is naturally toxic or bad, but that isn’t the case. Polyamory can be a beautiful way of relating to others, just like any other relationship style. What can make it and/or any other relationship toxic is what happens inside that relationship between the people in it, their actions, and behaviors.

Like any other relationship structure, polyamory can become toxic when there is “dishonesty, unhealthy power dynamics, consistently overstepping boundaries, disregarding others’ feelings and agreements, choosing to be in the relationship for the wrong reasons,” says Menezes.

Toxic polyamory can be avoided by knowing your limits. “A good rule of thumb to remember is that while love is limitless, time and energy are not. It’s important to know what your limits are in terms of how much you can give to each of your partners,” Dolinova says. “It’s also very important to watch out for one person ‘doing polyamory’ while not telling their other partners about it. The word polyamory has often been used as a shield for what monogamous culture calls ‘cheating.’ Remember: If it isn’t open and honest, it isn’t polyamory.”

Can polyamorous people be in monogamous relationships?

Yes, according to Antonia Hall, transpersonal psychologist, sex educator, and author of The Ultimate Guide to a Multi-Orgasmic Life. Human connections are complicated, and our needs and desires can change throughout our lifetime.

“Those people that are truly happy in both polyamorous and monogamous relations are called ‘ambiamorous.’ Ambiamory is not as discussed but might be worth consideration for more people,” she explains. “Polyamorous relationships require the same cultivation of friendship and intimacy as a monogamous relationship, and the desire to become monogamous can happen. But those who have spent years exploring and enjoying polyamory might find monogamy to be a poor fit over time.”

How to know if polyamory is right for you:

  1. You are willing to be completely honest with yourself and others about your desires and actions.
  2. You have a deep desire to spend time exploring different aspects of yourself with different people, each on their own terms.
  3. You think you can handle the practical aspects of dating more than one person and are willing to work those out with your partners.
  4. You often have feelings for many people at the same time.
  5. The thought of connecting multiple people on an intimate level at the same time sparks joy and doesn’t leave you feeling exhausted.
  6. You often daydream about being in a relationship with more than one person at a time.
  7. You feel confined by the idea of being with only one person.
  8. You feel capable of loving and committing to multiple people at the same time.
  9. You are OK with the idea of your partner having intimate relationships with other people.
  10. You feel like you could ultimately be your best self in a relationship with multiple people.
  11. You have done the research and spent time trying to fully understand the dynamics of polyamory.
  12. You feel like you could bring trust, respect, open communication, accountability, love, and honesty to multiple relationships at the same time.

How to know if polyamory is not right for you:

  1. You are choosing polyamory in the hopes of fixing a broken monogamous relationship.
  2. The thought of having to consider, spend time with, and commit to multiple people feels exhausting.
  3. Anything outside of monogamy feels “unnatural” to you.
  4. You haven’t spent time self-reflecting and understanding your triggers, insecurities, and past trauma relating to love and relationships.

Explaining polyamory to partners.

When it comes to sharing your polyamorous lifestyle with new potential partners, it’s important to bring it up early, Hall says. And since polyamory can take quite a few forms, you’ll need to let this person know what polyamory means to you. 

“Being upfront and honest from the beginning is respectful, can prevent misunderstandings and hurt feelings, and ensures no one is wasting their time and energy,” she explains. “Most people in the polyamorous community are adept at communicating their boundaries, limits, and expectations, and that should include a brief, thoughtful way to communicate with potential new partners.”

Explaining your desire for a polyamorous relationship to a current partner you’re in a monogamous relationship with can be a little more difficult. Asking this person to move away from the familiarity they know in order to make room for others can be tough, but it’s not an impossible task. The biggest rule here, according to Dolinova, is being honest without being brutal. She encourages you to find the words to express your wants, fears, and hopes without hurting your partner’s feelings in the process.

“One of the cardinal rules: Don’t try to open your relationship when things aren’t going well. It will definitely not fix it, and, in fact, will undoubtedly make things worse. The time to look at exploring polyamory when you’re in a monogamous relationship is when your relationship is healthy, strong, and exciting, and you both want to know what it would be like to have even more love in your lives,” she adds.

But what happens if your partner isn’t open to accepting your desire for a polyamorous relationship and they are hurt? 

“Anecdotally speaking, it’s really hard to come back from it when one partner expresses a desire to go outside a monogamous relationship and the other person is really hurt by it,” Dolinova tells mbg.

Though not impossible, she says the desire for polyamory doesn’t typically fade if it’s a sincere desire for a relationship style. That’s because the desire for polyamory isn’t necessarily about just wanting more lovers; it’s often about wanting the freedom to explore loving relationships with multiple people.

That said, sometimes people believe they want polyamory when what’s actually happening is that they’re dissatisfied with their current relationship and are looking to have their needs met elsewhere. In such cases, opening up this conversation may open dialogue about how to make satisfying changes within your monogamous union.

The bottom line.

Polyamory occurs between individuals who are in consensual romantic or sexual relationships with multiple people at the same time. At the end of the day, both polyamory (and other forms of ENM) and monogamy can birth beautiful, healthy, and enriching relationships for everyone involved. It all comes down to personal desires and preferences.

Open communication and honesty are absolute cornerstones for any healthy relationship, but even more so when it comes to the vulnerability and sharing that polyamory requires. You don’t want to be the person who ends up breaking multiple hearts because you decided to enter a new relationship with someone before communicating your desire for polyamory to your long-term monogamous partner.

Recommended reading:

Complete Article HERE!

What Ethical Non-Monogamy Is and Isn’t

Ethical non-monogamy, polyamory, and open relationships are gaining popularity. But what exactly are they and how do you practice them?

Ethical non-monogamy, polyamory, and open relationships are gaining popularity. But what exactly are they and how do you practice them?

by Sian Ferguson

Ethical non-monogamy, also known as consensual non-monogamy, is a relationship style that’s been in the spotlight lately. There are many ways to practice ethical nonmonogamy. For some, that might look like polyamory, open relationships, or casual dating.

Ethical non-monogamy involves sexual and/or romantic relationships between multiple people. The “ethical” distinguishes it from infidelity or coerced relationships. Ethical non-monogamy emphasizes that everybody’s informed consent is needed. In other words, all partners know about one another and consent to it.

Anybody who wants to practice ethical non-monogamy can do so. Still, before you take the plunge, it’s a good idea to learn about it. There’s a lot of terminologies that you might not be aware of, and there are so many things to consider before committing to this relationship style.

Have you ever fallen in love with multiple people at the same time? Or have you ever felt attracted to another person while you were in a relationship?

Many of us have. In that situation, we might feel as if we’re doing something wrong. Many people think that this means they have a disorder, or that they’re bound to be unfaithful to their partners.

Although this experience may feel confusing, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Ethical non-monogamy leans into our ability to be attracted to multiple people at once. It’s about embracing that and navigating it in a respectful, healthy way.

It is possible to have a healthy relationship that is not monogamous. One study found similar levels of relationship satisfaction between monogamous people and ethically nonmonogamous people.

Infidelity, or what many experts refer to as “breaking a relationship agreement,” involves deception and/or betrayal. With ethical non-monogamy, all partners are aware of one another and consent to the relationship.

That’s not to say that infidelity can’t happen in an ethically non-monogamous relationship. Sometimes, people in these relationships overstep boundaries and betray or deceive their partners. This might be considered infidelity.

Not exactly. Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term, and polyamory is just one way to practice it.

Polyamory is having intimate relationships with multiple people at the same time. In other words, you can have more than one romantic partner at the same time.

Polyamory is a form of ethical nonmonogamy — but it’s not the only form.

Other than polyamory, there are a few ways to practice ethical non-monogamy, including:

  • Polygamy: involves marriage between multiple people
  • Open relationships: involve sexual relationships among multiple people
  • Swinging: entails couples “swapping” sexual partners
  • Triads or throuples: where three people all date one another
  • Polyfidelity: all partners in a group agree not to have romantic and sexual relationships outside the established group
  • Casual sex: people have sexual relationships without any romantic relationship or commitments, possibly with multiple sexual partners
  • Casual dating: people date multiple people

It can also include relationship anarchy, although many people consider this a philosophy or a political approach as opposed to a relationship style.

Relationship anarchy challenges assumptions around relationships and the idea that one relationship (like a married relationship) is more important than other relationships (like friendships). Relationship anarchy might include having multiple intimate partners.

It’s worth noting that, for any of the above relationship styles to be considered “ethical non-monogamy,” it needs to be entirely consensual. If a partner feels coerced into swinging or if someone is forced into polygamy, that wouldn’t fit the definition of ethical non-monogamy.

Ethical non-monogamy can look different to different people. What might work for one relationship might not work for another.

In every relationship style, it’s crucial that all partners discuss their expectations and boundaries. These boundaries will differ from one relationship to the next.

For example, one partner might not want their partner/s to have sex with others without telling them beforehand. Another example is that someone might not want their partner/s to date their close friends.

Time management is a big component of ethical non-monogamy. How much time will you set aside for each partner? How will you ensure that you can spend quality time with every partner? Figuring this out beforehand is helpful, as it ensures that you have enough time and energy for everyone.

If a sexual component is involved in one or more of the relationships, it’s important to discuss ways to ensure sex practices take the health of everyone involved into account. This may include using condoms or another barrier method and frequently getting tested for sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

Lastly, communication is very important in every relationship. In ethical non-monogamy, it’s important to talk about your feelings about your relationships with your partners and their partners.

There are so many misconceptions about non-monogamous relationships. Here are a few:

Myth 1: Non-monogamous people don’t get jealous

Some polyamorous people don’t feel jealous, and others do. What matters is how you handle jealousy. In some cases, jealousy might actually be a sign that you need more attention and affection from your partner, in which case, that can be solved without becoming monogamous.

Myth 2: It’s all about sex

Some people who do ethical non-monogamy might not have sex at all. Some people might choose to have sex with only one person. Others may enjoy sex with multiple people or group sex. Every person who engages in non-monogamy is different.

And on that note, sex in ethically non-monogamous relationships doesn’t necessarily carry a greater risk to your health. One study showed that people who practice ethical non-monogamy are more likely to practice sex with a condom or other barrier method than those who are unfaithful in monogamous relationships.

Myth 3: Everything goes

As mentioned, every relationship is different. Boundaries differ from one relationship to the next, so what might be OK in one relationship might not be OK in the next. It’s up to each partner to communicate their desires and limits — and those limits should be respected.

Myth 4: Ethical non-monogamy is unsustainable

Many couples and polycules (that is, a group of polyamorous partners) practice ethical non-monogamy for years. Non-monogamous relationships can last a long time if that’s what all parties want.

In fact, some research indicates that there’s no difference in relationship quality and psychological well-being between consensual non-monogamous and monogamous partnerships. This means partners in both forms of relationships report similar levels of satisfaction, happiness, sexual frequency, and relationship longevity.

Myth 5: Ethical non-monogamy is always better than monogamy

Ethical non-monogamy suits some people. Monogamy suits others. Many people feel polyflexible, which means they can be happy with either relationship style. What works for the individual is unique to the individual.

Plus, infidelity, abuse, and coercion can happen in any relationship, no matter whether it’s non-monogamous or monogamous. Ethical non-monogamy can be great, but people in these relationships aren’t necessarily protected from harm.

This depends on your situation. Everybody “starts” ethical non-monogamy in a different way.

Sometimes, a couple opens their relationship to others. Sometimes, people meet other non-monogamous people and form a throuple. Others join couples in a committed or casual way.

If you’re already partnered, it’s a good idea to talk with your partner about your feelings. Discuss why you’d like to try ethical non-monogamy, and emphasize that it’s not that they’re “not enough” for you. Commit to learning more about it as a couple.

Consider connecting with other non-monogamous people without the expectation of sex or relationships. This is a good way to process your feelings, learn more about ethical non-monogamy, and form friendships with non-judgmental people. Apps and dating sites are a great place to start.

Ethical non-monogamy can become complex because there are so many ways to practice it. For this reason, it’s a good idea to continually learn more about it. New terms and concepts are constantly being developed to help people describe relationship styles more accurately, so it’s important to be open to learning those new ideas.

Ethical non-monogamy emphasizes that all partners involved consent to the practice. Whether you’re practicing polyamory, casual dating, or open relationships, it’s important to ensure everyone knows about one another and wants to be a part of the relationship style.

There are so many things to learn about ethical non-monogamy. It can’t all be covered in just one article. There are many great resources for learning about this topic.

Some books about ethical non-monogamy include:

You can also join online forums. Websites like PolyInfo.org and Loving More can be helpful as well.

Ethical non-monogamy can be a wonderful relationship style for many people. As in all relationships, it’s essential to prioritize communication, mutual respect, and setting clear boundaries.

Complete Article HERE!

The Surprising Innovations of Pandemic-Era Sex

Many queer people are reimagining their own boundaries and thinking of this reentry period as a time for sexual self-discovery.

In a time when touch has been so limited, some people have been moving toward a future full of bold new pleasures.

By Madison Moore

The pandemic has affected our sex lives in many unusual ways, but perhaps none more unusual than this development: The coronavirus has highlighted the possible public-health benefits of glory holes. Sexual positions that make use of walls as physical barriers have long been considered niche. But when the New York City Department of Health recommended them last month as part of a push for safer sex, it tapped into a question that many of us have been asking: How do you seek sexual satisfaction during a global health crisis?

I haven’t had sex in more than a year, mostly because I took COVID-19 very seriously. I disconnected from the public sphere. No one visited my apartment. I disinfected my groceries and covered my apartment’s air vents with trash bags. As a queer person, I could barely register the idea of sex while living alongside a deadly virus that nobody really understood. One study published early in the pandemic showed that 43.5 percent of people reported a decrease in the quality of their sex life. Among study participants, they had fewer sexual encounters with other people, and even masturbated less often.

But queer and trans people have a rich history of pursuing pleasure, especially during dark times when that very pursuit is dangerous, even illegal. This drive stems from the fact that many queer and trans people—especially those of color—live under a kind of sociocultural duress in which our livelihoods and human rights are constantly subject to negotiation and popular debate, to say nothing of our physical safety. In spite of this reality, queer and trans people have innovated not by waiting for the future to “get better,” but by prioritizing the urgency of feeling pleasure right here, right now. So I knew that some of us would create novel pathways around the pandemic’s roadblocks to sex. I also knew that as the world reopened and Grindr profiles got fired up again, queer innovators would bring the kinks learned during quarantine into their post-vaccine encounters with other people.

In a time when touch has been so limited, some people have been moving toward a future full of bold new pleasures. Alex Jenny, a therapist based in Chicago, told me she joined a nude-sharing group chat, started an OnlyFans page, and began having sex online. In Virginia, where I live, one friend sauntered over to a lover’s doorstep one night wearing a mask and nitrile gloves, picked up a Speedo sealed in a ziplock bag, went home to do a photoshoot in the swimwear, and sent his beau the photos and videos. Many people are reimagining their own boundaries, thinking of this period of virtual intimacies, of distance and little physical contact, not as a lack but instead as a sort of edge play through sexual self-discovery.

For Julian Kevon Glover, an assistant professor of gender, sexuality, and women’s studies at Virginia Commonwealth University who’s writing a book about the nuances of nonmonogamy, that meant attending an online sex party with her primary partner. “[My partner and I] played on camera with a group of like-minded folk and it was much hotter than I ever expected,” she told me. “I’ve learned that queer people are and will always remain quite as horny, and we are inventive.”

Though the pandemic necessitated screen-based intimacy for some, queer people have always used the internet as a place to navigate their sexuality. During the late 1990s and into the early aughts, I spent more time than I care to admit navigating chat rooms on gay.com and Manhunt, where I pointed and clicked my way to some of my first sexual experiences. But I wasn’t looking only for sex. Growing up as a Black teenager in Ferguson, Missouri, during the era of frosted blond tips, white-seashell necklaces, and Abercrombie & Fitch, I was hoping to connect with anyone who could help me not feel so alone. The researcher David F. Shaw talked about this form of online intimacy, or “computer-mediated communication,” as the “uncharted territories of cyberspace where men sit alone at their keyboards producing and inscribing themselves within interactive texts of homosexual desire and need.” Historically, gay online forums have been so widespread that a 1994 Wired top-10 list noted that of the most popular chat rooms created on AOL, three were for gay men, one was for lesbians, and one was for swingers.

Part of the reason queer sex thrives online is because of the internet’s covert nature. Prior to the web’s easy anonymity, queer people had to seek sly ways to court sex in front of other people without being detected. The hanky code of the ’70s and ’80s, an elaborate system of discreet communication wherein people put different colored hankerchiefs in their right or left pockets to indicate sexual interests, allowed queer people to speak about kink in plain sight without words. Craigslist, which most people know as a place to find an apartment or a piece of furniture, was for many queer people a vibrant place to find sex before the Fight Online Sex Trafficking and Stop Enabling Sex Traffickers Acts of 2018. The list of ways to hook up goes on: sultry personal ads in the back pages of gay publications such as XY and Têtu, dating sites such as Grindr, and now, the Zoom sex parties of the coronavirus era.

These arenas have facilitated cultural practices that the anthropologist Shaka McGlotten calls “virtual intimacies,” or feelings of connection mediated by communication technology. I was amazed by how swiftly queer nightlife and sex worlds moved to Zoom, but Aurora Higgs, a queer Ph.D. student, artist, and performer from Richmond, Virginia, says that the required shift to online events ended up feeling more liberating than in-person shows. In Virginia, liquor laws limit activity in mixed-beverage establishments, including how much skin dancers can show, which clothing items can be removed, and how dancers can remove them. But the brilliant thing about online burlesque, Higgs told me, was that there was no bar. “We were able to do stuff we weren’t able to do before, things like nudity,” she said. “It was interesting to see how people were utilizing their own spaces at home to dip us further into the fantasy.”

Higgs told me that she plans to start a website where she can do cam work and online kink photography. “As a Black trans woman, I sometimes feel like everyone has access to my sexuality but me. I’m expected to be passively content at the end of a violent gaze, with little opportunity to turn my gaze on to others or on myself,” she said. With camming and virtual shows, “the gaze that normally violates me is temporarily being used at my discretion.”

Even though sex can now take place in real life again for some, many queer and trans people—who have long dealt with the reality of HIV/AIDS—must navigate transparency about sexual health with the added complication of COVID-19. Trust is the currency that will shape how queer and trans people approach hooking up in a post-vaccine summer, Ayo Dawkins, an artist from Virginia, told me. “Not that I trusted everyone I was with pre-pandemic,” they said. “But I knew sex wouldn’t kill you. You have condoms to protect you from STDs and STIs, and you have Truvada (PrEP) to protect you from HIV, but nothing could protect you from COVID aerosols.” Today, with new questions to ask about sexual-health statuses, some queer people may favor a more curated approach to sex that relies heavily on closed sexual networks.

In many ways, the past year and a half of sexual distancing, online intimacy, and exploration of pleasures has been a rehearsal for a yet-to-be-imagined queer sexual ecosystem. One of my favorite passages from the book Cruising Utopia, by the theorist José Muñoz, reads: “Queerness is not yet here. Queerness is an ideality. Put another way, we are not yet queer … Queerness is a structuring and educated mode of desiring that allows us to see and feel beyond the quagmire of the present,” which is to say that queerness might be the longing for a better world to come. I always say that creativity and innovation stem from the margins, from those who are resisting the kind of flattened human experience that comes from being denied access. If COVID-19 has taught us anything, it’s how to foreground the importance of feeling as a means of survival.

Complete Article HERE!

Love And Sex With Many

— Research On The Health And Wellness Of Consensual Non-Monogamy

By Rebecca Coffey

If Charles Darwin was right, human love and sex are rooted in the same reproductive imperative that makes animals mate. We want to send our genetic material into subsequent generations. Mind you, cats, dogs, Tasmanian devils, insects, fish, birds, and even Big Foot may not be thinking “Babies!” when they have sex. Gay men and lesbians aren’t trying to reproduce. Heterosexual people buying birth control supplies at drug stores aren’t. Regardless, the healthy, animalistic instinct to create progeny may be what makes most of them — most of us — suckers for sex and fools for love. It’s health and wellness in action.

And it’s all fun. But does biology dictate that mating has to be a forever kinda thing? Darwin never expressed an opinion. As it turns out, most animals who seem to be monogamous aren’t. Even so, some big religions dictate monogamy for humans. Many marriage and divorce laws do, too. 

For large mammals, anyway, monogamy doesn’t add to the probability that a species will survive. The opposite may be the case. In 2003, biologist Justin Brashares of the University of British Columbia examined 30 years of data for 41 mammal species on six separate reserves. Publishing in the peer-reviewed journal Conservation Biology, he reported that loyal mating ranked second as the cause of death for populations of primates. (Of course, humans are primates.)

New human sexology research from two groups of researchers has produced results not quite as dire. Even so, their data suggest that long-term monogamy may not always be ideal.

Wellness and Consensual Non-Monogamy

The Vices and Virtues of Consensual Non-Monogamy: A Relational Dimension Investigation” is the work of graduate student Thomas R. Brooks III. Published by the peer-reviewed journal Psychology and Sexuality and written with colleagues from the Department of Psychology and Special Education at Texas A&M University-Commerce, it compared various measures of relationship quality, conflict resolution style, and individual well-being as self-reported by 555 heterosexual participants. Some of the participants were in monogamous relationships and some were in consensually non-monogamous (CNM) relationships. (CNM means an open relationship with full disclosure. The non-monogamous encounters can range from casual and low-stakes to intimacy that is both emotionally and sexually long-term and loving.)

The study participants completed standard questionnaires about well-being and conflict resolution. They also numerically rated the satisfaction, commitment, intimacy, passion, and love that they experience in their romantic and sexual relationships. Participants in CNM relationships generally scored as psychologically healthier and more content. In the rated measures of satisfaction in sex and love, people in CNM relationships generally outscored people in monogamous relationships. Perhaps not incidentally, people practicing CNM reported using positive problem-solving with their intimate partners, while those practicing monogamy more often reported that they emotionally withdraw from conflict with their relationship partner.

Was it the multiplicity of partners that made people in CNM relationships the high scorers on measures of well-being and happiness? Perhaps not. Brooks surmised that the increased satisfaction and psychological health measures may have been due to consensually non-monogamous people having negotiated “ways to keep sexual and romantic variety a priority in the relationship.” This is to say that it may not be sexual or romantic variety that’s the spice of life. It may be the negotiating— and the value that people place on keeping honesty and intimacy alive. 

CNM and Polyamory in History

One month before Brooks’ paper was published, the peer-reviewed journal Archives of Sexual Behavior published a paper by archivist-historian Brian M. Watson and Oxford University historian Sarah Stein Lubrano. In their study the two researchers investigated the passionate CNM attachments of a large handful of historical figures. “‘Storming Then Performing’: Historical Non-Monogamy and Metamour Collaboration” peeked at the love lives of nineteenth- and twentieth-century artists and intellectuals. (“Metamours” = “partner(s) of partner(s).”)

In the paper, details of the intimate heterosexual, bisexual, and homosexual lives of novelist Virginia Woolf, painter Frida Kahlo, poet/essayist/dramatist Victor Hugo, physicist Erwin Schrödinger, poet/playwright/suffragist Edna St. Vincent Millay, sociologist/historian Maximilian Karl Emil Weber, and Wonder Woman comic book author William Moulton Marston and various of their metamours were revealed. The paper’s view of love lives gone by showed that positive problem-solving of the sort described in Brooks’ Psychology and Sexuality paper can extend beyond the relationship among sexually and romantically intimate partners into and throughout their entire metamour network.

Watson and Lubrano use the term “polycule” (“polyamorous” + “molecule”) to describe a network of partners and metamours. Frida Kahlo is the only black- or brown-skinned person whose polycules their paper examined. Volunteering that information, Lubrano quipped in a group Zoom call, “In the late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries, rich white people did a really good job of saving their correspondence and leaving it to be found.” 

With access to such correspondence and with the help of other archival material and secondary sources like biographies, Watson and Lubrano reframed non-monogamous behaviors that might once have been described as immoral and sketched portraits of polycules that were deeply caring in important material, social, and psychological ways. 

That being said, matters weren’t always tranquil in historical CNM polycules, certainly not during a polycule’s early days.

  • Virginia Woolfe was lucky enough to enjoy a long, largely peaceful polycule with her husband, journalist and publisher Leonard Woolfe, and author/garden designer Vita Sackville-West. However, that may be because Sackville-West’s explosive and dishonest behavior within a previous polycule had provided momentous learning experiences for her. 
  • Max Weber’s CNM relationship with his lover Else Jaffe erupted early on when he learned that his metamour was his own brother. After he got over that surprise, things settled down. Another of Weber’s partners was his wife, the feminist scholar and activist Marrianne Weber. She and Else together took care of Weber as he succumbed to pneumonia in 1914, leaving Marianne with her dead sister Lili’s four children, which she and Weber had intended to raise. Else stepped in and raised the children with Marianne. According to Watson and Lubrano, when Marianne died in Heidelburg in 1954, it was in Else’s arms.
  • When Erwin Schrödinger’s partner Hilde March had a little girl by him and developed post-partum depression, Schrödinger wife, Anny, took care of the baby until Hilde recovered. Later, Anny cared for Schrödinger’s baby by another partner. Schrödinger, meanwhile, relied on a metamour — Anny’s partner Peter Weyl — both emotionally and academically.

And so on. Watson and Lubrano’s paper featured several more polycules of the rich and famous.

Why Study CNM Satisfaction?

The polycules profiled by Watson and Lubrano give social context and history to a way of living that is still stigmatized in America. As the two researchers said in the Zoom call, they wrote the paper to normalize CNM, and also to make clear that the idea that healthy, non-competitive relationships among metamours constitute a potentially emancipatory way of loving and living. Watson said, “We want people contemplating or already in CNM relationships to know that they’re not the first ones to want this. They are not alone in history. There are good role models. We hope that looking at the past can make people confident about structuring their lives in a way that’s fulfilling.”

Indeed. The wide variance in the current estimates on how many adult Americans have participated in CNM in their lifetime (anywhere between 4% (2013) and 22% (2016)) suggests that CNM remains so stigmatized that some people are too ashamed to admit the truth of their romantic and sexual selves even to an anonymous survey. Data collected and reported in 2016 by researchers at the Kinsey Institute reflect the high estimate (22% lifetime incidence). The Kinsey researchers also noted that men as well as people who identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual were more likely to testify to previous engagement in CNM. 

If indeed the Kinsey researchers’ estimate is correct, CNM may not be the “new normal.” It may, however, be one of several new normals, and it may be one that marital law and communities should prepare to accommodate.

Complete Article HERE!

Interested in polyamory?

Here’s 5 tips for making romantic relationships work with multiple partners.

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  • Polyamory involves engaging in multiple romantic or sexual relationships with different people.
  • Some people have a primary partner but are free to pursue casual relationships with others.
  • A successful poly relationship involves regular check-ins with your partners and open communication.

While most people today think of two monogamous partners when they think about romantic relationships, there are other types of relationships out there that are equally valid.

In fact, a 2012 study found that about 4% of relationships are consensually non-monogamous — and polyamory is one of the more common forms.

Here’s what you need to know about polyamory, including tips for how to make a polyamorous relationship work.

What is polyamory?

In the simplest terms, polyamory involves engaging in multiple romantic or sexual relationships. But unlike cheating, which is marked by deception, polyamory involves openness and consent from all parties, says Emy Tafelski, MA, LMFT, sex therapist and founder and CEO of ME-Therapy. You may hear people who practice polyamory call themselves “poly” for short.

There’s no one specific way that poly people go about their relationships, and they can decide what works best for their individual situation. However, there are two broad types of polyamory, says Tafelski:

  • Hierarchical poly: These people have a primary relationship with one person, and secondary relationships with others. For example, the primary relationship could be a marriage where partners are only allowed to pursue casual relationships with others.
  • Anarchist poly: These people have fewer “rules” around their activities. People in this kind of relationship don’t have a primary attachment to one person and instead have the freedom to explore any kind of relationship with any person.

How to make a polyamorous relationship work

Like every other relationship, polyamorous relationships require hard work and dedication. Here are five tips for a successful polyamorous relationship, according to Tafelski.

  1. Communicate openly: Communication is always key in relationships, and it’s especially crucial in poly relationships to make sure all parties are informed and consenting. Tafelski recommends that you be honest and transparent when you discuss your feelings, needs, desires, and fears.
  2. Listen actively: Listening is just as important as speaking because it ensures that you understand your partners’ feelings and needs and vice versa. “Meet them where they are from a place of compassion and empathy rather than defensiveness,” says Tafelski.
  3. Check-in with yourself and your partners often: Just because your partner was okay with something last month, doesn’t mean they still are. It’s important to check in with all partners often, and of course, with yourself too, to make sure everything is healthy and everyone is still consenting.
  4. Create a safe space for all the feelings: It’s important to be open to the emotions of your partners. Remember that all feelings, including jealousy, are valid, and they should be attended to.
  5. Renegotiate your “relationship contract” often: Tafelski says poly relationships are constructed by the people in them. You may create a “relationship contract” with your partner or partners. “People change and grow as do their needs. It is useful to periodically review for yourself, and with your partner(s), the relationship contract and adjust according to current needs,” says Tafelski.

Insider’s takeaway

While polyamory certainly isn’t for everybody, it’s a good option for people who want to have a non-traditional relationship that isn’t monogamous. Remember to communicate openly with your partners and ensure that you always have consent in order to keep your relationships healthy.

Complete Article HERE!

Real Couples Discuss How Non-Monogamy Benefits Their Relationship

It can be done.

By Kendall Keith

Monogamous relationships are challenging enough in their own right, but not everyone finds them to be compatible with who they are intrinsically. There’s often a moral stigma centered around ethical non-monogamy (ENM) or consensual non-monogamy (CNM), and with that comes a disconnect and generalized misconception of what it means to practice it, including equating non-monogamy to commitment phobia, devaluation of multiple partners, and/or sexual promiscuity. According to recent research published in Frontier in Psychology in 2020, people tend to wrongfully assume that those in ENM relationships have worse sexual health than monogamous individuals, when the reality is the former’s sexual health is often no different than anyone else’s.

Now, to be clear, ENM or CNM (which are often used interchangeably), is defined as “a relationship style in which all individuals within the relationship agree to not being monogamous, and all individuals involved in the relationship are aware that it is not a monogamous relationship,” according to The Affirmative Couch, an online platform that advocates for the mental health of LGBTQIA+ individuals. Being in a non-monogamous relationship can actually be of benefit for some people and their partner(s), depending on one’s needs, says Helen,* who works for the video game industry and has been in an ENM relationship with her husband for five years. “The appeal of an ethical non-monogamous relationship [is that it embraces] the idea that love is not a finite resource,” she says to TZR.

People decide to become non-monogamous for various personal reasons, whether that be a lifestyle choice or a part of their identity, and how that is defined depends on the individual. David* (husband of Helen, mentioned above) tells TZR, that the couple originally opened the relationship when he came out as bisexual prior to proposing to his now wife. “She was incredibly supportive, and after listening to a lot of Dan Savage, attending couples therapy, and talking things through, we decided to open our relationship to allow me to explore my bi side,” he explains. “However, our version of an open relationship has evolved significantly over time.” The two now currently define their relationship as a cross between relationship anarchy (a term coined by author Andie Nordgren, meaning the union does not adhere to traditional standards or expectations) and polyamory (a relationship style based on the belief that one can love multiple people).

If you do a little digging, you’ll find that there are many forms in which non-monogamous relationships can take shape. Ahead, ENM partners share tips on how they navigate the style and offer insights on how to be successful in opening up your union.

non-monogamous relationships

Establish Boundaries Everyone Involved Can Agree On

Every consensual non-monogamous relationship has its own set of agreements that works best for everyone involved. “I’ve found that mutually creating and establishing a clear set of boundaries of what is comfortable for each person is crucial,” says Elaine*, a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, who is in an open marriage with her husband of one year, which allows them to date other people non-exclusively. “We are newer to non-monogamy after having been together for almost 11 years and are learning that these agreements can change over time.”

Helen explains that it took her a while to learn that traditional monogamy rules were a crutch for her. “I was using them to provide the illusion of control, and when I realized that the rules were arbitrary and [led to] some deep-rooted insecurities, I challenged myself to unpack and process them over time.” Doing so has allowed Helen and David to be brutally honest about their intentions without asserting any sort of constraint or need for control over the other person involved.

“For me, it’s less about primary versus secondary [rules], and more about what kind of commitments are being made,” says David. “‘Let’s get together when we can’ is different than, ‘I promise to set aside a day per week to see you.’ And ‘our relationship will influence my decision to move somewhere,’ is different than, ‘I will not move without you.’ My relationships have hit all those styles. But the potential for growth is often there — it’s just important that everyone be aware of intent and desires in order to let things evolve ethically.”

Communication Builds A Healthy Foundation

Given the nature of time invested with multiple romantic and/or sexual partners, communication is imperative. “Talking through things, with each other and those who are familiar with non-monogamy, provides a lot of introspection,” David says. Helen agrees, saying ethical non-monogamy has challenged her to keep an open mind and appreciate other people and partners on a deeper level. “I truly had to take a hard look at myself and process a lot of my own insecurities and unlearn a lot of detrimental behaviors,” she says. “I had to become a candid communicator, and I strive to always bring that into all relationships. I try to be more self-aware to understand my reactions and emotions rather than defaulting to something fleeting or thoughtless.”

Suzanne**, who is an actor and works in animation in Toronto, says that it’s freeing to be able to speak frankly on what she’s feeling, as well as her needs and wants, and it allows her to listen and be moved by her partners’ without judgement. “For me, it’s important to all be on the same page,” she says. Suzanne is in a polyamorous triad with her high school sweetheart, Ryan**, and Jayme**, whom she met at her first animation studio job. “We’re polyamorous by definition, but our relationship isn’t open. Sometimes, we fondly refer to it as ‘double-monogamy.’” Suzanne and Ryan decided to open up their relationship to Jayme once she realized she was developing feelings for her and coming to terms with her own bisexuality. “The three of us have found it within ourselves to be able to be supportive to more than one person. It’s just nice to be in love with my two best friends.”

Trust & Patience Are Indispensable

“All the conflicts typically seen in monogamous relationships — jealousy, insecurities, what we’re unhappy with or find lacking, possible infidelities and/or desires, etc., are all brought to the table and openly discussed,” Elaine explains of her non-monogamous arrangement. “It forced us to confront those issues, so we have a better understanding of each other’s intent, while assuring one another our love has not dissipated. In fact, our love and trust has grown significantly in doing so.” She adds that opening up her union alleviates the pressure of having to be everything to one person, something people often tend to unrealistically expect of themselves and their partners while in monogamous relationships.

“Non-monogamy made our relationship more secure,” says David. “We trust each other to raise concerns as needed, and try to not make assumptions. After we realized that our relationship wasn’t threatened by other relationships (be it platonic, sexual, or romantic), the ‘rules’ faded away. At this point, it’s more, ‘I trust you to act in your best interest and not do things that would make others uncomfortable,’ while also being respectful of privacy for the other relationships.”

Helen agrees with her husband. “It required a lot of patience and time to make sure we were evolving together while growing these other relationships,” she says. “I like to meet people where they are without expectations about who they should be or what they should provide. Trust is also a cornerstone of my relationships, and continuously finding ways to build and nurture that are very important to me.”

non-monogomous relationships

Tune Out the Naysayers

Facing the possibility of pushback from friends and family who do not agree with or have trouble understanding consensual non-monogamy is challenging, which means supporting one another and even finding a community within the CNM realm is paramount. “There’s some skepticism from a handful of friends and family,” Suzanne shares. But there’s hope as more people openly discuss what it means to have a successful relationship, monogamous or not. “Everyone close to us has come around, especially when seeing how well we work together as a team. It turns out we have many friends who are also polyamorous, so it’s encouraging to see the ways other people choose to shape their relationships beyond what gets touted as the societal default [monogamy].”

For others, it’s sometimes difficult to be open about their relationship without facing some sort of judgement. “We haven’t told our family for this very reason and have learned to filter out any sort of negative noise to focus on what matters, which is each other,” says Elaine. “People are always going to have something to say about things that typically go against the grain of conventional societal expectations.”

Love Yourself First

As is with any relationship, making sure you are whole is ideal, but that’s often easier said than done when another person of significance enters your world and can lead to negative patterns, such as co-dependency. “One of the key factors in maintaining a healthy, non-monogamous relationship for me is ensuring that your relationship with yourself is solid,” Helen discloses. “It can be challenging to navigate relationships when you are dealing with your own issues of self-love, and a lot of that negativity can project on to your partners, if not addressed.” David agrees and adds, “It’s made us more independent, as it requires a good deal of personal growth. In that respect, it has not only benefited our relationship, but our individual lives as well.”

In a way, monogamy and ethical non-monogamy are a lot more similar than one would think, and that’s a beautiful thing. “I find a lot of joy in building unique experiences with people that can evolve however we decide, without any preconceived notions,” Helen says. “I have discovered a much deeper love and appreciation for my husband that I do not know I would have found if we had decided not to open up. It has truly added another dimension to my life and I am always grateful for having the tools to better myself and share my best self with the people around me.”

*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

**Last names have been removed per the participant’s request.

Complete Article HERE!

The 9 Best Polyamorous Dating Apps You Can Download Right Now

Plus, what to put on your profile if you’re on a more traditionally “monogamous” app.

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ICYMI, there are *so* many dating apps out there nowadays. From Hinge to Bumble to Tinder, if you’re out there in the ~dating world~ odds are that you’ve tried them all. But what about people who identify as polyamorous? It’s a little more difficult to navigate those apps when you’re poly (more on that later), which is why there are great apps out there specifically dedicated to those seeking polyamorous connections.

First things first, what does it mean to be polyamorous, exactly, and how common is polyamory? “Being polyamorous is being in a relationship with more than one person,” explains Gigi Engle, a certified sex coach, sexologist, and author of All The F*cking Mistakes: a guide to sex, love, and life. (Think of it like this: Monogamy means “one” and “poly” means many.) “These are two relationship styles, but both are equally valid,” says Engle. Polyamory basically boils down to being non-monogamous in a consensual, ethical way, partnered with opening your heart to more than just one person at a time.

So, what does the term “ethical” mean in this case, since, TBH, it can be subjective? In short, polyamorous relationships can be structured in a bunch of different ways (maybe one person is the primary partner, maybe everyone’s on an even playing field, etc.), but being ethically non-monogamous is a way to ensure that everyone involved in the relationship is comfortable with the situation, explains Women’s Health advisory board member Chloe Carmichael, PhD, a New York-based therapist and author of Dr. Chloe’s 10 Commandments of Dating.

TL;DR, it’s all about communication, transparency, and most importantly, consent in your relationship, Carmichael explains. Because polyamorous relationships involve multiple people, everyone being on the same page is crucial. That said, let’s get into the fun stuff. If you’re polyamorous and you want to spice up your dating life by hopping on some new platforms, we’ve got you covered. These are the absolute best polyamory dating apps, according to experts.

1. “Traditional” Apps Like Hinge, Bumble, Tinder, etc.

If you’re planning to use one of the more traditionally “monogamous” apps like Hinge or Bumble, there are a few helpful notes for your profile to signify that you’re looking for more than one partner. First, make sure you state that you’re ethically non-monogamous (ENM) in your profile, says Janet Brito, PhD, a clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist based in Hawaii. For seeking other polyamorous individuals, you can also write that you’re seeking “like-minded folks.”

Looking to add a third party to your current duo? Just make that clear, and ensure that both you and your current partner have account access, Engle explains. It may help to even set boundaries with that partner so that you’re using it together rather than separately. “Total transparency is needed to make this work,” Engle says. “Don’t be cagey or coy, because that is coming from a place of dishonesty, which is not a good place to start.” Noted!

2. Feeld

PSA: Feeld is one of the best apps out there for poly folks, according to Engle. “People have better overall experiences with this app, as it’s meant for open relationships and those looking to explore alternative-style sex, such as kinks,” Engle says.

In short, Feeld encourages you to be yourself on the platform, Brito says, even if that includes seeing several people. (AKA, it’s a breath of fresh air.)

3. #Open

Ever heard of #open? “It’s a new app built on the concept of non-monogamous dating,” says Engle.

So yep, this app is literally designed for polyamorous, ENM, and open people. They have a breadth of virtual and IRL community events, too, so you can get a jump start on meeting your next crush ASAP, all while being surrounded by like-minded people.

4. Ashley Madison

You’ve probably heard of Ashley Madison, the website known for affairs and discreet dating. “It’s popular but controversial,” says Brito. “Lots of folks use it.”

Now in app format too, the site claims that the service is legit for everyone, including polyamorous individuals specifically, Brito notes. The main tenet is that Ashley Madison is a judgment-free zone, which means it’s also a place where poly people can explore their sexuality and date, too.

5. BiCupid

“This app caters to bisexual folks seeking polyamory,” Brito explains. In short, BiCupid is for everyone who’s into a wide range of relationship styles. Whether you’re looking to add a third to your current relationship, want to meet more single polyamorous people, or just want to chat with other bi-identified folks, you can do that on BiCupid.

6. OkCupid

No, OkCupid isn’t specifically known for its polyamorous community, but it actually *does* now have features that allow you to express your polyamory identity, says Brito. This means that you can search and match with other polyamorous people on the app seeking both short-term connections and longer-term relationships in your area.

7. Downdating

Up for hookups, specifically? Downdating is the app for you, says Brito. It allows you to select whether you’d specifically like to go on a date or just ~hook up~ with a certain person, which the company feels is a more honest and mature way to approach dating. If you’re poly, this means that you have the opportunity for a variety of different experiences at your disposal.

8. MoreThanOne

MoreThanOne is designed *specifically* for polyamorous folks. The app is for both single polyamorous people as well as for open, ethical, non-monogamous relationships. And, yes, according to the app, it’s welcoming of all genders, sexualities, and identities, in case you’re not about putting labels on any of your own identities.

9. PolyFinda

Another app built to fill a gap in the polyamorous dating space, PolyFinda lets you navigate dating the way you want. It was made for all genders and preferences by members of the polyamorous community, and you’re encouraged to put all of your information out there: State whether you’re in a pair and looking to add more members to your relationship, any characteristics about the people you’re looking for, or whether or not you’re in the mood for something casual.

Complete Article HERE!

A Beginner’s Guide To Relationship Anarchy

— Examples & How To Practice

By Kesiena Boom, M.S.

In 2020, viewing monogamy as the only way to successfully conduct a relationship seems a little passé. Growing numbers of people are living nonmonogamous lifestyles. In fact, a 2017 study found at least one in five people have engaged in some form of consensual non-monogamy before. One approach to living a nonmonogamous lifestyle can be to adopt a philosophy of relationship anarchy.

Relationship anarchy is a way of approaching relationships that rejects any rules and expectations other than the ones the involved people agree on. This approach “encourages people to let their core values guide how they choose and craft their relationship commitments rather than relying on social norms to dictate what is right for you,” Dedeker Winston, relationship coach and co-host of the podcast Multiamory, tells mbg.

People who practice relationship anarchy, sometimes abbreviated as RA, are beholden to themselves and only themselves when it comes to choosing who they conduct sexual or romantic relationships with and how they do it. Relationship anarchists look to form relationships with people that are based entirely on needs, wants, and desires rather than on socially mandated labels and expectations. Some central tenets of relationship anarchy are freedom, communication, and nonhierarchy.

An RA mindset also seeks to dissolve the strict divides between platonic friendship and sexual or romantic love that exist in wider society. Practitioners of relationship anarchy see it as superfluous at best and harmful at worst to rank relationships in order of importance according to the presence of sex or romantic love, and they reject the prioritization of romance above friendship and the elevation of the monogamous couple above all else. (The poem “On Leaving the Bachelorette Brunch” by Rachel Wetzsteon puts that philosophy into art.)

The relationship anarchy manifesto.

The term “relationship anarchy” was originally coined by Andie Nordgren, who published an instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy in a pamphlet in 2006. Nordgren outlines the following principles to guide you through a relationship anarchist life:

1. Love is abundant, and every relationship is unique.

Love is not a limited resource. You can love multiple people without it detracting from the love that you feel for each of them. Every relationship that you have is an entirely new creation between its two (or more) parties and should be approached as such.

2. Love and respect instead of entitlement.

Your bond with someone does not give you the right to control or coerce them. They are an autonomous person who can act as they wish to. Love is not a byword for bossing someone around, nor is love only real when we’re willing to compromise parts of ourselves for others.

3. Find your core set of relationship values.

Focus on what you want and need when it comes to how you will treat and be treated by others. Don’t be tempted to compromise on your inner values in order to try to keep a relationship that no longer serves you.

4. Heterosexism is rampant and out there, but don’t let fear lead you.

Be mindful of the way in which heterosexism (the assumption that heterosexuality is the only correct, moral, and desirable way to organize relationships) can corrupt your ideas about what is acceptable within relationships. Stay aware of the assumptions you hold about what gender means with relation to love and work to untangle them.

5. Build for the lovely and unexpected.

Be spontaneous in your connections. Don’t feel held back by the “shoulds” or the “ought to’s.”

6. Fake it till you make it.

Breaking with monogamous, heterosexist relationship norms is hard work. Setting out to do the work can feel like a tall mountain to climb. Push through and go for it nonetheless until it feels like second nature.

7. Trust is better.

Choose to assume that your partner(s) want the best for you. When we approach our relationships with a bedrock of trust, we do not engage in validation-seeking behaviors that can drive unions apart.

8. Change through communication.

Be in continuous dialogue with your partner(s). Do not rely on “sensing” what they think or feel. Communication must be enacted at every step along the way in order to establish how things will function, not just when there are problems to solve. Without communication, people fall into old norms and can inadvertently hurt each other.

9. Customize your commitments.

Do you want to have children together but never move in together? Do you want to get married but never have children? Do you want to maintain separate homes but be committed life partners? Whatever it is that you want, you have the power to make happen. You don’t have to travel along the accepted “relationship escalator” of dating exclusively, moving in, getting married, and having children.

Relationship anarchy versus polyamory versus monogamy.

A monogamous person chooses to eschew all sexual and romantic bonds with people other than their one chosen partner. This is the model of relationship that is most common and holds the most societal recognition. While the majority of relationship anarchists are nonmonogamous and therefore have (or wish to have) sexual and/or emotional bonds with more than one person at a time, Winston says relationship anarchists can also engage in monogamous relationships.

“I do believe that someone can choose to be sexually or emotionally monogamous with a particular person and still be a practicing relationship anarchist,” Winston explains. “As long as you are questioning the status quo, examining your values, and communicating your needs, it is possible to build a radical relationship anarchist life.”

Relationship anarchy thus differs from polyamory, which it is sometimes confused with. Polyamory is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the informed consent of all partners involved. It is sometimes known as ethical or consensual nonmonogamy. To be polyamorous means to acknowledge that people can love more than one person simultaneously. This is different from an open relationship, in which the couple goes outside of the relationship for sex, and not necessarily for lasting and committed emotional intimacy or love.

How relationship anarchy works in practice.

It’s not really possible to give an outline of what the average relationship anarchist’s life might look like. “Typical is a myth. In reality, each of our lives is unique and one-of-a-kind, which is also true for people practicing relationship anarchy,” says Anna Dow, LMFT, therapist and founder of Vast Love, a coaching and counseling practice for people navigating nonmonogamy.

She continues, “A lot of people hear the word ‘anarchy’ and think of radical punk rockers with tattoos and mohawks. While that’s sometimes on point, the lives of relationship anarchists are also as varied as they come. Relationship anarchy is the ‘choose your own adventure’ version of relationships. It’s a belief in coloring outside the lines and going off-trail. When we expand our minds past the predefined boundaries, the possibilities can be endless!”

That being said, a common thread between all relationship anarchists is the time given over to communication. Dow says one characteristic that links together those who are well suited to RA is “strong communication skills, including the abilities to empathetically listen and to authentically express one’s feelings/needs in a direct way. If someone struggles with compassionately considering other people’s perspectives or feels guilt when expressing their own feelings/needs, they likely have some personal growth work to do before being optimally ready for sustaining healthy relationships in the context of RA.”

While it’s impossible to identify an “average” relationship anarchist, some of the ways in which it might look to live an RA lifestyle are to live with a mix of romantic and platonic life partners who are all equally responsible for maintaining the household and making big life decisions. Or to have two romantic partners who aren’t given more time and precedence in one’s life than one’s platonic friends. It can look like choosing to have children with platonic friends instead of with lovers. In short, the sky’s the limit.

Common misconceptions.

When people think of the word “anarchy,” they imagine a lawless and chaotic state of order, but “contrary to common misconceptions, relationship anarchy is not a justification for people to do whatever they want in relationships without consideration of other people’s feelings, needs, desires, or boundaries,” says Dow.

Taking the jump into relationship anarchy is not for those who are looking for an easy way out. “It’s not a magic spell for reducing the amount of work that you need to put into your relationships,” cautions Winston. Like any nonmonogamous setup, relationship anarchy will not solve problems you have in your current relationship.

In an interview with Autostraddle, Josie Kearns, a queer woman with a wife and a girlfriend, explains her approach to relationship anarchy like this:

“To me it means that my partners and I don’t control our relationships with other people — we set boundaries, but we don’t ask to enforce rules on each other. I find it much more meaningful to say, ‘I’m choosing to do this because I care about you and I know it will feel good to you,’ than to say, ‘I’m doing this because it obeys our rules.’”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Is Consensual Non-Monogamy For You?

5 Open Relationship Myths Busted

By Paula Kirsch

Are you thinking of opening up your relationship to consensual non-monogamy?

Before you do that, it’s important to look at the myths surrounding relationships and why you might want to consider an open relationship.

A 2017 study by Haupert and colleagues reported more than 20 percent of the U.S. population has engaged in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lives.

As a sex therapist who works with such couples and individuals practicing consensual non-monogamy and open relationships, I’m guessing that 20 percent may be a low estimate today.

In the Ethical Slut by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton, the authors debunk several myths about relationships and non-consensual monogamy.

So, if you’re considering non-consensual monogamy, here are 5 myths about relationships that you need to know about.

1. The only “real” relationships are those that are monogamous.

Everyone is familiar with monogamy and knows how it works.

But, as my sex therapy supervisor once said, “If monogamy is the gold standard in relationships, what’s the divorce rate again?”

Sometimes, we have an unrealistic view that we will lose interest in all others just because we’re married.

How’s that working out for you?

2. Loving someone means it’s OK to control their behavior.

We know we can’t control anyone but ourselves in reality.

Again as evidenced by the divorce rate and the number of infidelities that occur in monogamous relationships, it’s unrealistic to think that we can prevent our spouse from having sex with someone else if they want to.

3. Jealousy is an insurmountable issue in an open relationship.

The interesting thing here is that it assumes being in a monogamous relationship will protect you from envy.

In monogamous relationships, people go to great lengths to hide their affairs and dalliances when having agreements.

Being honest and unlearning some of the “oughts” that lead to jealousy might be the more ethical and healing approach.

4. Having other partners for sex reduces intimacy in your primary relationship.

With agreements in place and open and honest conversation, you may find that having other partners rekindles new relationship energy that overflows into your primary relationship.

5. Sexual desire is a destructive force or the only proper way to have sex is within a committed relationship.

These sex-negative ideas are throwbacks to the beginning of patriarchal and puritanical religions that warn that women’s sexuality will lure men to their doom. (Think: the Garden of Eden mythology.)

In truth, what could be more creative than sexual desire, which we use to create new human beings, art, literature, music, and so much more? So much of our creativity resides in the sacral chakra — our sexual center.

You might like an open relationship if you find yourself in an “okay” marriage or partnership with no significant issues.

Still, maybe your partner doesn’t like some of the bedroom activities you enjoy. Or perhaps you have mismatched sexual desire, one of the most common problems I see in couples therapy.

Maybe you have an interest or hobby your partner doesn’t share.

It’s difficult for one person to check all our boxes.

No one person be everything to us and meet all our needs. An open relationship creates room for those needs to be satisfied.

The way I see it is through a lens of abundance. Life is short and there’s plenty of love available if you’re open to that.

As a therapist, I can tell you I have seen open relationships that work and don’t work — just like monogamous relationships!

Good communication skills are essential. And it’s crucial to work out agreements in advance so everyone is on the same page.

More often, a woman shows up in individual therapy with me, freaked out because her husband or partner wants to open the relationship. We explore what’s real, what’s going on in their relationship, and how she feels about dating.

She reads and researches, learning everything she can about how open relationships work, and often ends up with a fuller and richer life.

Yes! You can thrive in an open relationship!

Complete Article HERE!

How I Have Sex

— “I Can End Up Feeling Nothing Even When All the Right ‘Spots’ Are Touched”

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The first time I remember thinking about sex was at the age of 15, when I started dating my first boyfriend. As teenagers, we were curious about this and started thinking about it more when there was someone else to talk to. I explored sexual behaviors like kissing, fingering, and oral sex between 15 and 18, and 19 is when I had peno-vaginal sex for the first time.

But I hadn’t realized until then that I was demisexual. So even in my early 20s, I was meeting people on dating apps and thought of sex as something you had to do as a “right of passage” after dates. So I did meet up and have sex without really having an emotional connection. Rather, I thought I had some basic level of emotional connection with them — but I later realized that I was just grasping for straws. I was just creating a connection with somebody, but I didn’t actually have it with these people and didn’t enjoy these experiences. My friends kept talking about this amazing sex that they were having, and I realized only later that I was looking at the wrong place.

Since that time sex was something I thought about in connection with someone I had feelings for; I didn’t even think that it could be otherwise. Demisexuality, I would say, translates into kind of a conditional sexual attraction. I think a lot of people don’t know that sexuality, or any asexual spectrum identity for that matter, doesn’t have anything to do with sex drive. There may be some people who are demisexual and don’t experience any sexual attraction outside of their emotional attachment, but that’s not the case with me. Sexual attraction is like a spectrum: ‘Oh, I’ve met this person who I find really attractive’ versus ‘I am actually in love with this person, and I actually want to have sex with them.’ So I can find someone attractive but not want to have sex with them. And plus, sexual attraction occurs very selectively for me, much more selectively than for someone who’s not very sexual.

People say that everyone is a demisexual, that sex is better when you have an emotional bond. It’s not about if it’s better or bad, it’s that you don’t experience sexual attraction at all unless there is an emotional bond.

My current boyfriend and I, we started out as friends — which turned into friends with benefits. After some time, I felt attracted to him, and I wanted to have sex with him, even though he was romantically involved. We had an emotional bond as close friends, but it got better when we got romantically involved because it added another layer of depth to the emotional connection.

It doesn’t matter if my partner is demisexual or not, it’s just the emotional connection between us that counts. In my current relationship, it was emotional, romantic, and considerate. Realizing that I no longer ‘had’ to do this pointless casual sex rigmarole, and incidentally getting into a monogamous romantic relationship where I had deep emotional feelings for my partner, all made it so much better. I was lucky it all happened together.

I would say I feel a lot more agency when it comes to sex life, ever since I came out as demisexual. Instead of going along with the other person’s wishes, I’ve become more confident in vocalizing what I want and saying no when I want to. Earlier, I used to always be like: Okay, I’m not feeling it in this moment, but that’s not how I’m supposed to feel and the other person is expecting me to say yes, so I would just go along with that. I don’t do that anymore.

Building anticipation is the most important aspect of foreplay for me. It’s not so much about the specific acts done during it, as it is about creating that mood and the anticipation, and building up to that moment of urgency where you feel like you can’t wait anymore! One time that I particularly remember enjoying was when my partner made it completely about me and took it really slow. When I tried to reach out to reciprocate, he gently stopped me and told me to let him do what he wants to me. That made me feel like my pleasure was important and cared about, and the intimacy of that feeling made it the best foreplay I’ve ever experienced!

The usual pleasure centers do the trick for me. Nipples are particularly important — just stimulating them alone, without touching any other part of me, can suffice as foreplay if I’m sufficiently in the mood that day. Also, it’s very important for me that attention be paid to the less ‘usual’ erogenous zones—neck, back, torso, thighs. Simply being held like I’m important and desirable to the person is just as important as specific erogenous zones being touched, if you know what I mean. I can end up feeling nothing even when all the right ‘spots’ are being touched if the person doesn’t make me feel like they desire me (as opposed to simply wanting sex). I don’t think this deprives me of any pleasure — as someone who has had sexual experiences without emotional part, I didn’t enjoy them anyway. So I don’t think I’m missing out on anything.

Exhibitionism appeals to me — being watched while engaging in sex. Maybe because the thought of involving someone else in the bedroom feels exciting, but at the same time I’m not fully comfortable with the idea of actually having someone join us in the activity. So someone watching us is the perfect middle ground. I’ve tried clitoral and vaginal stimulating sex toys individually as well as in partnered sex. Clitoral stimulation from a vibrator is the fastest way for me to climax — probably the first time I ever climaxed with a sex toy! Four times in a row was a new feeling for me.

I would say I’m on the higher end of a normal sex drive, contrary to what people believe about demisexuals. People don’t understand the difference between sexual attraction and sex drive: sex drive is the desire to have some kind of sexual experience whereas sexual attraction means wanting to have sex with another person — and those things are not mutually exclusive.

On the whole, lust and love exist as separate frames. Sex drive, for me at least is completely independent of my sexuality. Because sex drive can exist independent of a partner, I can personally have a sex drive alone as well. But the drive to do it with somebody else, that only really occurs if I have a deep emotional attachment with them. But I do have to say that I’m more satisfied with partnered sex because there’s foreplay involved, which I typically get lazy and skip when it’s just me.

Physical attraction matters very little to me — if you compare it with the emotional connection, the physical is insignificant. I prefer people without a gym body. As somebody who myself has struggled with body image issues all my life, I once dated someone who had a six-pack and was a model. It was very intimidating to me and I couldn’t see past that exterior and engage with him as a person. I wanted someone who looked like a regular Joe.

People who actually end up falling in love and having serious relationships and sex within that relationship, and being monogamous with each other, it’s uncommon nowadays. I value monogamy — but I’m not 100% sure if my monogamy is connected to my demisexuality or not. But I am demisexual, and I am also monogamous. You can be monogamous or polyamorous — that’s independent of your sexuality.

Over time, the novelty factor around sex has, of course, worn off, because it can’t stay forever. I also find that I share some of the same thoughts about sex as before: the desire to feel intimate with your partner, when I experience emotions with someone, those things have remained constant. It’s just that the language I use now to talk about it is more evolved. I have become more corporate in how I feel and how I view sex: I feel this pressure to conform and think of it and approach it in the same way other people do. And I realized that your personal and social identity don’t have to be homogenous; everybody doesn’t have to be the same. That’s the most dominant change that I’ve experienced.

As a demisexual and bisexual, it can be kind of tricky to deal with which part of me is more important, so to speak. Am I equally both things? Which of it makes me more queer? There is also the whole aspect of a lot of queer people who don’t think that demisexuality makes you queer — which makes me feel like we’re being nudged. There may be demisexual people out there who choose to say that ‘I am demi, but I don’t feel like I’m queer, I’m still straight,’ and that’s their prerogative. But the problem is that a lot of people who are LGBTQ tacitly assert that you don’t have the right to identify as queer just because you are demisexual. That makes me feel unseen and sad.

I understand that the whole thing of slotting ourselves into a certain sexuality or gender. It’s not a strict label, but rather just a rough way to understand whereabouts on the spectrum a person might be. And that ultimately, to understand a person better, you need to ask them because they are the only ones who can answer those questions for you, because everybody is completely unique — even two demisexual people could be completely different. I’ve had this conversation with somebody else who was also a woman who was demisexual, and bisexual like me, and we still differ so much in how we approach sexuality and love and sex.

Complete Article HERE!

The A-to-Z Guide to Open Relationship Terminology

Opening things up is more complicated than hot sex with lots of partners. It’s also going to involve some intense conversations, and having the right words can be a big help.

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Open relationships are becoming incredibly mainstream—more and more people are recognizing that monogamy only works for some people, and there’s nothing wrong if that’s not you. But if you’re new to ethical non-monogamy, you may have questions. For instance, are you a cuck for feeling compersion, or a CPOS for experiencing jealousy? No, but you should brush up on your terminology before entering a monogam-ish relationship. Opening things up is more complicated than getting down with lots of partners. (Fingers crossed for you, though!) Putting the “ethical” in “non-monogamy” typically involves a lot of conversations.  

You hear a lot about polyamory or monogamy, but the truth is that there’s a relationship format for every couple. As with BDSM, having the right terminology is going to be a good first step. “Regardless of relationship structure—whether monogamous or non-monogamous—every single relationship is different. Even for people who identify as strictly poly or strictly monogamous, there’s no one definition of what those terms mean, they shift according to the agreements of the parties involved,” says gender, sexuality, and relationship therapist Dulcinea Pitagora, PhD. “More important than how you label your relationship structure is how you communicate about it with your parters or partners.” 

But knowing a few open relationship terms is a good starting place. So, check out this list and learn the lingo, consider sharing this glossary with your metamours, and start talking through what kind of relationship that works and truly makes you happy. 

Bigamy This old-fashioned term refers to the practice of marrying someone when you’re already married to someone else. Bigamy is actually illegal, so make sure to check the timeline on that second marriage.

Boundary Boundaries are rules that you establish if you’re going to practice ethical non-monogamy, and they are crucial to its success. For instance, some couples only date other people together, or keep any emotional exes off the menu. An agreement to use latex barriers with all other parties is a common (and important) boundary.

Cheating Cheating is simply unethical non-monogamy. Cheating usually ends up with one (or more) parties hurt, so please choose an ethical version of non-monogamy if you know that the whole one-partner-for-life thing isn’t for you.

Compersion Compersion is a warm emotion some rare people get through seeing their partner’s joy or sexual gratification from another person. 

CPOS A term coined by the sex writer Dan Savage, it stands for “cheating piece of shit.” We can poly preach all that we want, but not everyone is going to be interested in ethical non-monogamy. Some people get off on the thrill of cheating, and doing things ethically would remove that sexy sneakiness.

Cuck Before the word “cuck” was hijacked by the alt-right, it referred to a perfectly good kink. Speaking traditionally, a cuck gets off on watching his wife (known in this situation as the hot-wife) have sex with another man. The female version of a cuck is known as a cuckquean.

Don’t Ask Don’t Tell This doesn’t refer to the military policy— but it can also be disastrous. In Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT) relationships a couple is allowed to sleep with other people, but they agree not to talk about it. Not generally considered the best way of going about things. 

Dragon A dragon is the male version of a unicorn, the mythical and hard-to-catch beautiful bisexual who will fly in, have a fun and hot threesome with a couple, and leave their relationship undisturbed. But there’s no reason to keep things so rigidly gendered—we say identify as a unicorn or dragon purely on mythical creature preference.

Ethical Non-Monogamy Ethical non-monogamy, or ENM (not to be confused with EDM, although there is massive overlap at Burning Man) is an umbrella term that includes all the various ways to have an open relationship.

Fluid-bonded Fluid-bonded means a partner you don’t use condoms with. Fluid-bonding is more intentional than simply having unprotected sex–ideally you both have been tested and know one another’s statuses. (Like, if one partner has herpes the other probably does, too.) It is possible to be responsibly fluid-bonded with more than one person—perhaps in a closed throuple—but complications increase exponentially with every new person. 

Hierarchical Poly Hierarchical poly is a polyamorous relationship in which there is a clear pecking order. One primarily partner prevails, but the couple has other “secondary partners” who they get to bone on nights away from their spouse.

Jealousy This emotion is experienced by monogamous and non-monogamous people alike. In open-relationship contexts, it’s often felt as anger, betrayal, and insecurity triggered by your partner’s relationship with or desire for another. Managing and talking through these feelings is often at the center of successfully practicing ENM.   

Metamour Metamour is a pretentious poly term for your partner’s partners. “Evan is cool, I’ve never gone down on them, but they’re my metamour.”

Monogam-ish Monogamish is another term coined by Dan Savage, and describes couples who are basically monogamous, but respect human nature. If someone’s on a business trip and makes out with a hottie, or asks permission to get some side action once in a while, there’s no dramatic fight or breakup.

Monogamy Monogamy means that two people agree only to love and fuck one another until the end of time (or until they meet someone else that they want to be monogamous with). It is an excellent option…for some people!

Nesting Partner A nesting partner is a live-in partner, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re a primary partner. In fact, they may be relationship anarchists who don’t even have sex, but they will definitely hear you have sex, because they live with the person you’re boinking.

New Relationship Energy Or NRE, this describes that buzzy high you get early on in a relationship. It’s usually just good sex, but it can mess with your brain and feel a lot like love. It’s responsible for people jumping into relationships too quickly only to realize that they left their true love for an idiot who is good in the sack. The practical aspect of open relationships allows you to enjoy NRE without needing to dump your primary partner over it.

Old Relationship Energy While NRE is bouncy and fun, old relationship energy, or ORE, is the comforting, dependable, and (if you’re lucky) still-orgasmic experience of a healthy long term relationship. 

One Penis Rule The one penis rule (or OPP, one penis policy) is a mostly frowned-upon type of open relationship in which a couple dates other women, or people with vaginas, but there’s only one dick to rule them all. These are often the couples you see on Tinder unicorn-hunting.

Open Relationship Open relationship is an umbrella term that includes poly people, swingers, and anyone else who agrees that they aren’t cut out for monogamy.

Paramour A paramour typically refers to an illicit lover of a married person, so it’s technically an unethical non-monogamous term—but can be a fun way to refer to a partner if everyone is on the same page. 

Polyamory Polyamory literally translates to “many loves.” It’s a form of ethical non-monogamy that invites not only sex with more than one person, but romantic and emotional relationships with more than one person.

Polycule A group or network of people in a polyamorous relationship. “Sorry mom, I can’t come visit because of COVID, but I will be quarantined upstate in an Airbnb with my polycule for the rest of winter.”

Polyfidelity Just because there’s more than two doesn’t mean that fidelity is off the table in poly relationships. Polyfidelity refers to a poly family who are all equal partners, restrict sexual activity to those in said poly family, and basically act like a monogamous couple except there’s many more people.

Polygamy Polygamy is the practice of being married to more than one person—not the same thing as polyamory! 

Poly-preaching: Poly-preaching is the act of rambling on about how poly relationships are superior to monogamous ones. If you hear someone reference the mating rituals of bonobos or utter the words “You know, humans aren’t meant to be monogamous…” then you are likely a victim of poly-preaching.

Primary Partner Your primary partner is your bae, your husband or wife, your boyfriend or girlfriend, your one true love, your life partner, and the main romantic interest in your life. Many folks in open relationships have a primary partner and then secondary or shared partners (see: Hierarchical Poly).

Quad Nothing to do with university landscape architecture in this case—a quad is four people who are in a relationship together. 

Relationship Anarchy Practitioners of RA use anarchist concepts to deny hierarchy within relationships and forgo imposed expectations. They don’t give special treatment to their sexual relationships—in RA, a relationship that is sexual doesn’t take priority over a relationship that is platonic. An intimate friendship, romantic partner, and a roommate (see: Nesting Partner) can carry equal weight and importance.

Relationship Orientation While your sexual orientation determines who you are attracted to, a relationship orientation refers to which relationship format is right for you. Are you monogamous, poly, or somewhere in the middle? Please figure it out to reduce broken hearts. 

Sexually Open Sexually open relationships allow for sex with others but ask you to hold the romance and emotions. They’re a fantastic option for couples with high sex drives who want to have their emotional monogamy but eat out others, too. One word of caution about sexually open relationships is that it can be much harder to regulate emotions than expected, so don’t be surprised if someone catches feelings.

Solo Poly While some poly people want a primary partner (see: hierarchical poly) others dislike hierarchy within their relationships and want everyone to be on the same playing field.

Swinging It’s a widely-used term that’s mostly an aesthetic rather than practical description. It typically refers to a couple, maybe a bit older, who pork other couples, perhaps at special resorts.

Throuple In case the cute play on words didn’t give it away, a throuple is three people who are in a relationship. 

Unicorns Unicorns (see: dragons) are often female or non-binary mythical creatures who just want to come over and fuck a couple and leave nothing behind. While a unicorn can call themselves a unicorn, it’s considered distasteful for a couple to go unicorn hunting. (It’s a sign that not enough consideration is going into the needs and desires of the person on the other side of the hunt.) 

Complete Article HERE!

What Does It Mean to Be Sexually Fluid?

by Crystal Raypole

At this point in time, experts have disproved many of the myths surrounding sexual orientation.

Like the color of your eyes or the shape of your nose, orientation is a trait many are born with or grow into over time.

Maybe in high school, for example, you developed crushes on people of one gender only. In college, you found yourself attracted to people of different genders.

Now, as an adult, you mostly date people of one gender but occasionally feel a flash of sexual attraction for people of other genders.

Does that mean you’re confused? Can’t make up your mind? That your college attractions were just a phase? No, no, and absolutely not.

No one can define your orientation for you, but the concept of sexual fluidity can help explain your experiences.

Sexual fluidity, in short, means your sexual orientation isn’t permanently fixed.

Yes, everyone has an underlying orientation — asexual, pansexual, or heterosexual, for example. Yet there’s room for it to expand a little, based on your experiences and current situation.

It can help to think of orientation as a spectrum that includes people of all genders. Sexually fluid people tend to experience attractions at different points along the spectrum as they go through life.

Maybe you grew up thinking you were only attracted to men, until you had a few flings with people of other genders. After a few years, you felt most attracted to men again, but you couldn’t say for certain whether that would always be the case.

These changes in how you experience romantic and sexual attraction are totally valid.

“Fluidity is an absolutely normal aspect of sexual orientation,” explains Will Zogg, a Washington therapist who specializes in gender affirming counseling.

“Attraction is far more complex than many people can communicate,” says Zogg. “And fluidity and the presentation of sexuality vary widely across cultures, age, access, and region.”

He goes on to say people sometimes interpret fluidity as confusion, or betrayal of an allegiance to a specific community.

“As a result of the stigma around fleeting same-sex attraction and consequences for that ‘betrayal,’ normal feelings of love and sex and curiosity often get swept under the rug, where the limits of Western societal norms keep them hidden,” explains Zogg.

If you’re sexually fluid, you might notice most of your sexual experiences and attractions fit under the label you use to identify yourself.

The key word here is “most,” since you’ll probably have a few outlier experiences that fall elsewhere on the spectrum.

Here’s an example:

You’ve only ever felt attracted to women. Then you develop a close relationship with a nonbinary friend. Your physical and emotional closeness eventually lead to a crush.

You think about kissing, touching, even having sex with them. Maybe you act on those desires, maybe you don’t. Eventually, you spend a little less time together, and your attraction fades, leaving you primarily attracted to women once again.

This one experience may not lead you to redefine your sexual orientation, but it does suggest some fluidity.

Close friendships sometimes fuel romantic feelings that lead to sexual desire, but attraction can exist without you acting on it.

Fluidity, by definition, changes over time, so you could develop a similar attraction in the future.

Though fluidity adds an extra factor in the equation of attraction, it won’t necessarily change your sexual behavior.

“What Westerners refer to as fluidity in sexuality (and in gender) is not a new idea for many cultures,” Zogg notes.

Researchers and anthropologists have explored fluidity across cultures and history. In terms of Western research, this concept has had many names, including erotic plasticityTrusted Source.

The term sexual fluidity comes from the research of psychologist and professor Dr. Lisa Diamond, who drew attention to the concept with her 2009 book, “Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire.”

In theory, yes, anyone can experience this fluidity, but not everyone does. Plenty of people only ever feel attracted to one gender.

While people of any gender can be sexually fluid, existing research suggests women tend to experience the most fluidity. Of course, this doesn’t mean all women are sexually fluid.

“Some sexually fluid men may feel more reluctant to talk about the range of attraction they experience, in part due to gender and sexuality stereotypes,” Zogg points out.

“They might avoid commenting on masculine celebrities they consider attractive, for example, or hesitate to express closeness to a male best friend,” says Zogg.

Most definitely, yes. Attraction, like orientation, is something you can’t control.

You might feel more attracted to one gender for a while, then your attraction might shift elsewhere on the spectrum.

Maybe you choose not to express or act on certain attractions, and that’s OK. All the same, you typically can’t pick and choose what part of the spectrum your attraction settles on at any given point in life.

Sexually fluid people might notice attraction shows up in a range of ways.

You could feel sexually attracted to people of one gender but develop stronger romantic feelings for people of another gender.

Maybe one specific person brings out feelings you’ve never had before. Though their traits don’t align with what you’d normally consider your “type,” you feel drawn to this specific excitement or arousal response.

You might also notice the characteristics that appeal to you in more masculine people are completely separate from the characteristics that you look for in more feminine people.

It’s pretty common to act differently on varying types of attraction.

You might:

  • enjoy kissing and cuddling partners of one gender but only have sex with people of another gender
  • enjoy a specific type of sex with one gender, but have different kinds of sex with other genders
  • develop romantic attachments with people of one gender and pursue physical relationships with people of other genders

These are all valid relationship styles. Just take care to practice good communication!

On the surface, sexual fluidity might seem pretty similar to bisexuality and pansexuality. Remember, though, bisexuality and pansexuality are orientations, and sexual fluidity is not.

Bisexuality doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone, but it’s typically recognized as a fairly consistent attraction to two groups: people of your gender and people of other genders.

Some people who identify as bisexual might only feel attracted to people of two genders. Others might develop attractions to people of multiple genders.

Pansexuality, on the other hand, means you might experience attraction to any person, regardless of their gender. In other words, you’re attracted to people of all genders.

You can be both sexually fluid and bisexual or pansexual. For example:

  • Sexually fluid pansexual people might occasionally feel most attracted to people of one gender, then more attracted to different genders again.
  • Sexually fluid bisexual people might temporarily feel more attracted to one gender over another, but this won’t permanently alter their overall attraction to people of other genders.
  • You might describe yourself as sexually fluid when you generally identify with an orientation that doesn’t consistently represent every attraction you experience.

    Say you primarily feel attracted to women, but you’ve had a few relationships with men. You don’t identify as bisexual, but you consider yourself somewhat fluid, since you’re not exclusively attracted to women.

    Maybe you’ve never had a romantic or sexual relationship with someone of your gender. Still, straight doesn’t entirely resonate with you as an orientation because you feel open to the possibility of a non-heterosexual relationship. It just hasn’t happened yet.

    Generally speaking, sexually fluid people have an orientation that remains roughly stable over time.

    So you might use this term if you mostly feel attracted to one gender but want to acknowledge the way your attraction and responses sometimes shift.

    As Diamond and other experts have pointed out, fluidity offers a better, more accurate explanation for what people have, in the past, stereotyped and stigmatized as “confusion.”

    As you go through life, you gain plenty of experience, both personally and from relationships with others.

    This expanding knowledge can have a pretty big impact on self-identity, including your understanding of your orientation.

    As awareness of your orientation develops, you might land on a different way of describing your attractions, and that’s just fine. You’re always free to use whatever term you identify with best.

    Interested in learning more about sexual orientations and identities?

    • Start with our guide to key terms here.
    • Check out the It Gets Better Project for a glossary of LGBTQ+ terms.
    • Visit Identiversity, a nonprofit website that provides factual, expert-informed education about gender and sexual diversity.
  • Complete Article HERE!