What Is a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Relationship in Non-Monogamy?

— And can it actually work?

One of the most interesting things about consensual non-monogamy (CNM) is its fluidity. These relationship structures are co-created by partners in order to establish a situation that works for them and their needs, which means that each CNM partnership functions in its own unique ways.

While CNM’s key tenants tend to emphasize openness, communication, and honesty, what this looks like for any given consensually non-monogamous partnership will vary. And for some couples in open relationships, that means not wanting to know anything about what their partners do (sexually/romantically) with other people. Like, at all.

Enter: Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. Not to be confused with the hugely controversial US military policy that discriminated against the LGBTQ community until its 2011 repeal, a Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT) policy in consensual non-monogamy refers to the way partners communicate—or, rather, don’t communicate—about sexual or romantic experiences outside of their relationship.

DADT “is different from other non-monogamous agreements in that it prioritizes a lack of transparency between partners, which goes against the openness and honesty that is typically encouraged in non-monogamy,” says polyamory educator and sex positive advocate Leanne Yau, founder of Poly Philia. This means that partners agree to have sex with and/or date people outside of their relationship, but they don’t disclose those experiences to each other.

The question is: Can these arrangements work for people? And if so, how?

Let’s take a deep dive into what a DADT relationship really is, how it works, and any potential issues that can come up as a result of having an agreement like this—because, spoiler alert, such issues are, uh, not not a possibility.

What is DADT and how does it work?

As we’ve established, DADT means you’re allowed to have sex with people outside of your relationship, but you don’t talk about it with your primary partner. “[It is] a principle used by CNM people so that they can experience freedom from the typical monogamous expectation of sexual exclusivity, but without needing to make clear agreements or practices of transparency,” explains Joli Hamilton, PhD, CSE, a qualitative researcher who focuses on non-monogamy.

Cosmo’s ‘Navigating Non-Monogamy’ columnist Zachary Zane, author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto and sex expert for Fun Factory, says it’s important to understand that this is *not* the same as cheating. While DADT does mean not telling your partners about the sex you have with other people, everyone is consenting to the arrangement. “Before you and your partner ever sleep with someone else, you have a sit-down conversation where you make it clear that it is acceptable to sleep with other people under certain circumstances,” Zane says. “And when you do sleep with other people, you do not tell your partner.”

For a DADT arrangement to work, all people involved need to be on board. This means that not only do the primary partners agree to it, but their outside partners also need to be aware of and consent to the DADT agreement. Informed consent is the only way to have ethical non-monogamous dynamics.

Can Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policies really function in a healthy way?

Basically, these agreements can work for some people…if they’re willing to communicate. This may seem paradoxical given that the whole idea of DADT is that you don’t share details with your partner. But in order for a DADT policy to actually work, clear negotiation is crucial. Hamilton says that without communication, the seemingly simple rule of “just don’t tell me anything” can get confusing pretty quickly.

The level at which non-disclosure functions will depend on your relationship boundaries. “A person might ask their partner that they don’t even tell them the basics, such as when they’re going on a date with another person—after all, ignorance can be bliss,” says Yau. “At the extreme end of DADT, a person might just want to pretend that they and their partner are monoamorous, and that there are no other people involved.”

Zane says that these arrangements tend to work best when sex outside the relationship is done sparingly, if one or both partners travels frequently, or if partners are long-distance. “Often, DADTs have a rule that you can only have sex when out of the state,” he explains. “This works well when one partner travels a lot for work. Additionally, the other partner won’t ever ‘run into’ the person their spouse slept with out of state, which can cause drama.”

What are the downsides of DADT arrangements?

Hate to break it to you, but these policies can certainly become problematic. This is especially true if the agreement requires lying about where you were or who you were with in order to avoid disclosing details of outside relationships.

“I think if you find yourself in a situation where you have to lie to your partner about what (and who) you did consistently, this will lead to problems,” Zane says. “Additionally, a partner can start to second guess their spouse’s whereabouts, which can make you become obsessive, resentful, and anxious.”

Basically, it comes down to how your agreement functions in your particular partnership. Surprise: DADT tends to cause issues if you’re using it to avoid the work of dealing with your feelings. “Non-monogamy requires significant emotional work, and avoiding that doesn’t solve the issue,” Yau says.

Hamilton agrees, saying that the lack of communication that is usually present with a DADT can leave couples feeling like they’re walking on eggshells, always unclear of the rules or if they might be breaking them. This can lead to some pretty precarious situations that can be very hard to overcome.

It’s all about intentions, right? If you have a DADT because you simply aren’t interested in knowing about your partner’s other sexual and/or romantic relationships, that’s one thing, but if you have a DADT to avoid difficult feelings, that could be a potential pitfall.

“There is a distinction between partners who don’t want to have that much information about each other’s partners because they simply aren’t interested to know, and partners who are doing it because they want to pretend that it isn’t happening and want to bury their heads in the sand,” Yau says.

If you and your partner want a DADT agreement, here are 3 ways to make it work

Have a crystal clear agreement

Relationship therapist Rea Pearson, a sex-positive BACP-accredited counselor and clinical sexologist, says that couples should literally sit down and write their agreement out. This gives everyone a chance to think through the details and set boundaries. “The agreement would include all the major rules and boundaries that are important to them, but can be reviewed and amended as time goes on. It might include areas such as whether sex is protected or not, and how often partners test for STIs,” she says. It may also include how often partners can see other people, how much time is allotted for other partners, and certain spaces that are off-limits, such as the shared home.

**Consider why you want this**

It’s important to spend some time honestly thinking about your intentions for wanting an agreement like this. Be willing to self-reflect. Hamilton says that she doesn’t encourage clients to enter into DADT agreements because it impacts their ability to grow together.

“If what you want is to be able to pretend that your partner isn’t who they are, I’d encourage you to consider what that will feel like in a year or five,” she says. “If you’re in a short-term situation, then consider if this is how you want to practice relating, because if you get used to making clear, explicit agreements with partners it becomes easier and easier,” she says. “If you practice DADT, you don’t give yourself that opportunity.” Essentially, a DADT can work in a short-term framework, but it rarely has legs to stand the test of time.

Be willing to renegotiate

Lastly, it’s important to understand that just because you have a DADT policy in your relationship doesn’t mean it will always work for you (and, in fact, they rarely do). CNM dynamics deserve to be interrogated. Couples should come back to the table regularly to revisit agreements that are in place and determine if they’re still working for everyone involved. Pearson suggests having a weekly check in. “By checking in regularly, [partners] are far more likely to recognize a problem early on and be able to tackle it before it escalates,” she says.

Being open and willing to change or alter dynamics allows consensually non-monogamous relationships to continue to exist in harmony. While a DADT agreement can work, endeavoring to move to a place of more openness and honesty is likely the best course of action if you want your relationship to, well, stay a relationship.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

October 13, 2023October 12, 2023

What is ‘veto power’ in non-monogamous relationships

— And why is it so problematic?

Having the power to ‘veto’ your partner’s other partners can have some seriously messy outcomes.

By Gigi Engle

If you opened up your relationship, would you want the ability to tell your partner’s other partners to piss off if you weren’t down with them? Intrigued? Let’s talk about “veto power.”

Veto power within consensually non-monogamous relationships is a hotly debated topic. People within the CNM community have very strong feelings about it. But, what does it mean to have veto power? “In CNM relationships, ‘veto’ indicates an agreement between primary partners in which they can say no to new or other partners,” says Dr. Celina Criss, a certified sex coach specializing in gender, sexuality, and relationship diversity.

Yes, you read that correctly. It’s the ability to tell your partner that they essentially have to break up with their other partner(s) if you don’t like them or the relationship. If that sounds problematic, that’s because it often is.

Whether you love it or hate it, the concept of veto power is one worth exploring and unpacking. As with all things dating-related, it’s complicated and in need of nuanced conversations.

If you’re active in the online dating realm, you’ve probably been hearing more about CNM — aka ethical non-monogamy or ENM — lately. The term “ethical non-monogamy” has seen a 213 percent spike in searches in the last year alone.

Here is everything you should know about veto power within CNM dynamics.

What is ‘veto power’ in the CNM world?

Veto power is essentially the ability to tell your partner’s other partner(s) to take a hike, if you decide the relationship isn’t working for you anymore. It grants partners the ability to determine who their partner can and cannot have relationships with. It exists within hierarchical CNM dynamics, wherein there are two (or more) primary partners and all other partners are considered ‘secondary.’

Joli Hamilton, a qualitative researcher and relationship coach specializing in non-monogamy, tells us veto power is an explicit or implicit agreement that one partner within a primary relationship can require a change to the structure, intensity, or existence of their partner’s other relationships. This can be true of new partners and existing partners. “Sometimes veto power is explicitly granted as a way to reinforce the idea that an existing couple will remain the priority over any new relationships that may come into existence,” she explains.

Veto power is essentially the ability to tell your partner’s other partner(s) to take a hike, if you decide the relationship isn’t working for you anymore. In order to use veto power in an ethical way (though some would argue it is never ethical), the agreement must be explicit. All partners within the relationship need to understand that the veto power is in place, how it functions for the primary partners, and consent to honoring it. As you may have guessed, this can get quite complicated.

Why would a couple choose to have ‘veto power’ within their relationship structure?

There are a lot of reasons why a couple might choose to enact veto power. Hamilton says that it’s often used as a tool to help couples feel safer when they’re first opening up. Basically, it makes you feel like no matter who else you or your partner might date, you’ll always be the “chosen one.”

“Lots of people want veto power when they are transitioning from a monogamous paradigm to a more expansive relationship structure, in part because they can’t imagine a world where they wouldn’t have a say over what their partner does with their emotions or body,” she explains. This need to be held above all others is born out of ‘compulsory monogamy,’ the socially constructed notion that being monogamous and prioritizing one partner is the “correct” way of existing within a relationship.

And yes, this has problematic implications when you’re practicing CNM because it tries to hold a different way of relating to the monogamous standard. Hamilton says she’s seen plenty of couples use veto power as a means to retain a sense of control, with decidedly mixed results.

The positives of ‘veto power’

Criss tells us that there can be upsides in using veto power within CNM dynamics. If your relationship is consensually hierarchical, the veto can act as a safeguard for the primary partnership. Depending on the outlined agreement between partners, “this objection can be at the beginning of an additional relationship or later, if that relationship has become problematic,” she says. “One way to think of it is as a safe word for CNM: it indicates there is a problem or concern that needs to be addressed.”

When used in this way, the veto acts as less of a tool of control and more as a way to explore issues that come up with primary partners and their other partners. “It can be quite useful,” Criss adds.

Again, for this dynamic to work – the veto, and what it means within your dynamic, needs to be clearly outlined and agreed to by all parties involved in the relationship. When a person within the primary partnership takes on a secondary or tertiary partner, that partner needs to be fully aware of the existing veto power and consent to it. Otherwise, we’re just getting plain old unethical.

Hierarchical polyamorous and open structures are a highly contentious subject within the CNM community – with some people strongly endorsing hierarchy and others believing it is entirely unethical. Those who oppose it point to “monogamy culture,” wherein the idea of the “primary partnership” is of utmost importance – which goes against the very nature of CNM. There isn’t a total consensus.

The drawbacks of ‘veto power’

Veto power offers primary partners a sense of control within relationships, but Moushumi Ghose, a licensed sex therapist, says that the “control” is usually a band-aid for larger issues. Often, the veto is used as a way to avoid dealing with the myriad uncomfortable feelings that come with opening up a relationship. “Veto power is extremely problematic because it creates a power imbalance, essentially. The biggest threat is that one person can close an open relationship simply because of uncomfortable feelings,” she says. It tries to remove the need to face and work through difficult emotions and dynamics that inevitably come up when you’re involved with multiple partners. This doesn’t solve anything, and instead can build resentment.

Veto power can also be problematic when it is used as a means to control your partner’s behavior. Criss tells us that “using a veto to non-consensually control or threaten your partner is not OK, in fact it runs counter to the general idea of CNM.” CNM specifically emphasizes consent and individual autonomy so, when veto power is used as a way to infringe upon a partner’s autonomy, that’s when it becomes an issue.

“Veto power is extremely problematic because it creates a power imbalance.” Hamilton agrees, telling us that veto power can lead to hypervigilance within a relationship, often resulting in monitoring your partner’s behavior such as checking their phones or social media and trying to control who they are with and when. “All of these can increase the amount of jealousy we feel, and none of those behaviors lead to more trust in your partner,” she says. “Instead it keeps you locked in a cycle of watchful waiting for your partner to screw up or overstep your comfort.”

What’s more, even if both primary partners agree that veto power is on the table, it often neglects to consider the feelings, wishes, and boundaries of the (very real) human people who aren’t in the primary partnership. “Veto power removes consent, especially when you consider that in CNM there are multiple people involved,” Ghose says. This can turn into a very messy situation, very quickly.

What to do if your partner asks for ‘veto-power’

Navigating these conversations requires empathy and nuance. “If your partner wants a veto and you’re not into it, this is an opportunity to get curious and investigate,” Criss says.

She suggests exploring the following questions: Why are they asking for this? Are you in alignment with your relationship goals, your CNM dynamic, and how you are feeling about each other?

Hamilton tells us that the need for veto can begin to dissipate once you learn to deal with difficult emotions in a healthy way. “Learn to regulate your nervous system and practice holding your body’s sensations and emotions during times of stress,” she says. This can look like adopting grounding and breathing techniques.

You may want to trade in veto power for authentic ways your partner can make you feel secure – and visa versa. “Have conversations about what security looks like and sounds like for you. Ask for those things to be prioritized,” Hamilton says. “Don’t make your partner guess – actually tell them what it looks and sounds like for you to receive their loving attention. Help them co-create a sense of security with you.”

Sometimes these conversations can be scary or confronting. If you find this is the case, you can always employ the help of a qualified, CNM-friendly sex therapist or coach to help you.

Whatever your journey is, we salute you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

October 10, 2023October 9, 2023

How Do ‘Throuples’ Make It Work?

How do you overcome the emotional and practical hurdles that can complicate a three-person romantic relationship

By Mark Travers

Falling in love with two people at once is a genuine and profound experience for many. It’s not merely about divided affection; it’s about an expansive capability to care, connect and commit to more than one person. The decision to form a throuple can arise from various motivations, ranging from a shared bond or common goals to mutual attraction or simply the evolution of a friendship into something more.

Despite society becoming increasingly open-minded, non-traditional relationships like throuples (romantic relationships between three people) still face a set of unique challenges. It’s crucial to recognize that these relationships demand just as much dedication and work, if not more. Setting ground rules becomes paramount. Without clear guidelines and continuous dialogue, misunderstandings can spiral into larger conflicts.

Here are two conversations that can help throuples smooth out the kinks in what can be a potentially unstable dynamic.

1. The “Are We Ready To Do This” Conversation

When considering a throuple relationship, it’s essential to discuss and understand each partner’s background, experiences and motivations. Recognizing and embracing diversity early on can set the stage for open communication and mutual respect.

A 2019 study published in The Journal of Sex Research contrasted polyamorous relationships with monogamous ones in terms of demographics and life choices. It found that polyamorous individuals, including those who favor being in a throuple, often identified with minority sexual orientations. Moreover, they demonstrated tendencies towards civil unions and had experienced higher rates of divorce. Additionally, their annual incomes often fell below $40,000 compared to those in monogamous relationships.

These findings are more than just numbers—they hint at experiences, challenges and perspectives that individuals in throuples might bring into the relationship. While the age range was similar between both groups, life experiences and choices diverged significantly. Such insights can serve as valuable talking points for potential throuples. By acknowledging and discussing these differences from the outset, throuples can lay a solid foundation for their relationship, tolerant of diversity and emotional and experiential complexity.

Here are some ideas to ponder before considering taking the three-person relationship plunge:

Self-awareness. How well do you know your own boundaries, needs and triggers? Are you open to understanding and adapting to the needs and boundaries of two other individuals?
Past relationship dynamics. Given the higher rates of divorce and civil unions among polyamorous individuals, it’s worth discussing past relationships. What did you learn from them, and how can those lessons inform the dynamics of the throuple?
Financial compatibility. How do you envision sharing financial responsibilities? Will the financial contribution be even, or based on individual contribution?
Cultural and societal concerns. Given the non-traditional nature of throuples, are you prepared to face potential societal biases or prejudices? How will you handle questions or critiques from family, friends and strangers?
Having these conversations up front can provide clarity and help in setting the relationship on a firm foundation. Each question is designed to unravel complexities, address potential challenges and ensure that every individual in the throuple feels seen, heard and valued.

2. The Regular “Check-In”

Given that there are three individuals involved, each with their unique emotions, needs and expectations, ensuring a balance where everyone feels valued can be a delicate act. All three individuals will evolve as the relationship progresses, and their needs might shift. Regular check-ins provide a platform to address feelings or concerns that might arise, ensuring they don’t fester or escalate into bigger issues. Topics for regular check-ins might include:
- Emotional well-being. Are the emotional needs or concerns of each partner addressed?
- Time management. How are all three partners ensuring that they get quality time both individually and collectively? Are any adjustments needed?
- Boundaries. Are the established boundaries still working? Do they need revisiting or adjusting based on the relationship’s progression?
- Future planning. Throuples need to consider their future—living arrangements, financial plans or even family planning if that’s on the table.
These conversations can help throuples identify issues that may not be obvious in everyday life. For instance, a 2021 study published in Frontiers in Psychology found that 21% to 33% of individuals who had previously engaged in polyamory grappled with personal possessiveness and challenges in managing the associated emotions.

While prior research suggests that jealousy is a more common problem in monogamous relationships, not polyamorous ones, the unique structure of a throuple might naturally present more varied situations that can trigger jealousy compared to a monogamous relationship. However, it’s essential to understand that jealousy isn’t exclusive to one type of relationship. The key, for such relationships, lies in recognizing potential jealousy triggers, maintaining open communication and setting clear boundaries, which can be made possible by frequent check-ins.

Conclusion

When it comes to making a throuple work, the foundation lies in trust, understanding and respect. While open conversations about your expectations and goals are important in any relationship, conversations about the whats, whys and hows become especially important in non-traditional arrangements. Although every throuple is unique, each will evolve over time. Recognizing that change is constant and being willing to navigate it together is crucial.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

October 3, 2023October 2, 2023

Extreme Eye Contact and Other Ways of Dating

— Forget dinner and a movie: Let’s see if we can gaze into each other’s eyes for three minutes instead.

By merging the techniques of somatic therapy with the structure of a singles event, the Feels is able to fast-track physical intimacy, creating an environment in which someone may end up feeling a potential partner’s heartbeat within minutes of meeting.

By Gina Cherelus

What happens when you skip the small talk during a date and go straight to hand-holding?

For roughly 50 people meeting for the first time inside a candlelit loft in Brooklyn on Wednesday, the gathering was a chance to explore attraction and desire not only with someone new, but also within themselves. Their goal: to achieve a deep, romantic connection by jumping directly to the physical.

The event, known as the Feels, fast-tracks intimacy by fusing mindfulness practices like meditation, unnaturally long eye contact and even feeling each other’s heartbeats within an environment meant for potential romantic partners.

“It’s designed to get past that first layer of ‘What do you do? Where do you live? What do you like to do for fun?’ and into ‘Where are you at this moment in this wild human ride that is your life?’” Allie Hoffman, the host and founder, said before the event.

The night was tailored specifically for the so-called ethically nonmonogamous, or ENM — people who practice alternative relationship structures involving multiple partners, like polyamory.

“I’ve never been in a poly relationship, I’m exploring the dynamics,” said Eric Cave, who described himself as “poly-curious” and came from New Jersey for the event. “So in getting to know what I would be interested in, I would definitely want to have that strong emotional connection — nothing casual.”

Shortly after 7 p.m., the crowd — a mix of people of different races and ages — were given ground rules for the night and promptly started nestling on their backs over an assortment of patterned rugs inside an East Williamsburg event space called the Knife Factory. A few minutes into the process, they were called on to reach out for one another’s hands — the “first initiation of touch.” They were then grouped into pairs and told to ask each other personal questions, like “What are you ready to own about yourself?” or “What’s something that you’ve learned about your sexuality in the last six months?”

A close-up of someone leaning with his back against some leaning forward on the floor. His eyes are closed. — At one point in the evening, participants settled into positions seated back to back. As one leaned as far back as possible, the other hunched forward, forming a supportive base.

“Tonight the touch points are going to include your hand holding another hand, your back against somebody’s back, your hand on someone’s heart space and their hands on your heart space,” she said, “and you’re going to take turns leaning in and out of two long-held hugs.”

The sessions are sensual, but not erotic or sexual, according to Ms. Hoffman, who likes to instead describe it as “a love letter that will be between you and your body.” At first, the room was thick with nervous tension. Some people giggled when it was time to begin the extended eye-contact sessions (final count: 3 minutes 46 seconds), and one woman quickly took a sip of her wine before getting in position.

Another participant, who identified herself only as Jenny, said she was bracing for her “natural giggly mischievousness” to flare up the way it had in previous situations that were “very intentionally about creating a connection.” She was pleasantly surprised, however, “in that it does bring up some real, genuine-seeming feelings of connection.”

In the remaining three rounds, guests were asked to pair off with someone in the room they were interested in. Some chose the same person they had been matched with in the first round, while others gravitated quickly to participants who had clearly caught their eye. There were a couple of rejections and a few who settled for whoever was remaining.

“It got to that point where it was like musical chairs,” said Gabriel Rivera, 41, who was visiting from Los Angeles. “It wasn’t necessarily my first choice, but I did feel like I eased into it and the person made me feel comfortable.”

Ms. Hoffman said the idea for the event stemmed from two separate motivations: her desire, as a single, 39-year-old woman, to be around other single people, and her eagerness to put into action her studies at Columbia University, where she was then getting a master’s degree in spiritual psychology and learning about creating connections through physical communication, somatic awareness and mindfulness.

The first event took place last year and had about 20 attendees. Since then, she has held them twice a month and tailors each event to two different groups: ENM people and monogamous singles.

Two pairs of people sitting on the floor, staring at one another. — A session of sustained eye contact ran for a whopping 3 minutes 46 seconds.

Ms. Hoffman said the ENM events would be on hiatus until early 2024, explaining that while they began as a way for her to better understand her own feelings about nonmonogamy after a rocky relationship with a polyamorous man, she realized she was more interested in single-partner relationships.

As the night carried on, the degrees of physical separation in the room tightened. When guests were seated back to back, they leaned as far as their flexibility would allow while the other hunched forward as a supportive base. When it was time to touch each other’s “heart space,” some laid their hands directly on the left side of their partner’s chest while others made contact with just the tips of their fingers.

Somatic practices like meditation and eye gazing have long been incorporated in relationships. Many partners seek somatic couples therapy to heal issues and form deeper bonds and improve intimacy. The innovation here is attaching this mindfulness style to first-time romantic meet-ups. At first, it can be hard to imagine people who don’t know one another reaching that level of closeness, but as the night went on, guests were easing more into the practice and their partners.

“It felt like someone touched my soul,” one Brooklyn man, who declined to share his name for privacy reasons, said at the end of the night.

For the final somatic prompt, guests were asked to hug their partners and think about how they wanted to make their approach. One woman asked the man she was paired with if she could hug him from the back. Some hugs were tighter than others, some people rocked side to side, some people caressed their partners heads or dug their face in their hair.

When it was time to stop hugging, there were a couple of people who remained touching.

More people sitting on the floor, their eyes closed and their legs outstretched. — According to its founder, the event is intended to help participants bypass small talk and get straight to the loftier stuff: “Where are you at this moment in this wild human ride that is your life?”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

September 20, 2023September 19, 2023

The Sexiest Part of an Open Relationship?

— The Rules

By Tom Rasmussen

Whether open or monogamous, all relationships are defined by rules. Rules, promises, vows even. Now in a monogamous setup there’s usually only one rule: Don’t fuck or fall in love with or flirt or fool around with anyone who isn’t me. It’s an easy rule to follow. And it’s an easy rule to break.

In an open relationship, rules are a little different. Their contents, and your relationship to them as a couple, is open season. Now I’ve slept with people who are deeply strict about their rules; I’ve heard of people sharing Excel spreadsheets with new prospective partners detailing each and every rule they abide by; and I’ve heard of people with no rules whatsoever.

I fall in between: The rules of my relationship are evolving, the central ones being “try to welcome change” and “be generous.” It sounds really vague, but when applied to the other rules, it means we can have generous conversations about the unruliness of human emotions.

When my husband and I first went open, he and I had a “you can’t sleep with someone more than three times” rule. And it worked, for a while. But eventually I met someone who asked me on a fourth date. A fourth date on which I wanted to go. The sex was good, my emotions were in check, and he was fit. Of course, the fear of me leaving my partner after three dates—which is why we made the rule in the first place—now seemed completely absurd. Three dates versus nine years. And so when we talked about this fourth date, it seemed like a no-brainer. In fact it allowed us to be both realistic about what it was we’d built together, and the very real fear of one of us leaving the other.

A fourth date with Hot Guy turned into a whole summer, and while there was never any danger of my leaving my primary partner, the situation neared the edges of our next rule: “Don’t fall in love with anyone else.” And so, after many measured discussions (and some not so), I ended the relationship with Really Hot Summer Guy.

It was in this process of exploring, of stretching and bending the rules, that we formulated new rules in our relationship. We met each different feeling and emotion with our two central rules in mind: “be generous” and “try to welcome change.” Change takes time, and generosity takes understanding. And so we talked, we questioned, we fought a little, and we even went to bed angry.

We learned—we’re learning—that rules are context specific, and that we don’t have to have the same emotional response to everything: He might be calm about something I might be jealous of, and vice versa. But with each different scenario came opportunity for deeper understanding about our fears, our desires, and areas of our relationship that maybe need more care. It’s always, as it should be, a work in progress.

When I first started down the route of open relationships, it all seemed so odd. So many rules, both boring and fussy. Seems like a rather unromantic paradox to me. And yet I’ve found the formulation, and continued evolution, of the rules in my relationship to be one of the most healthy and invigorating things about it. Now we are required to discuss the terms of our relationship with each other; now we must speak on our real desires because the stakes are higher if we don’t. Now we talk about dating others, the sex we’ve had, the sex we want to have with each other as a result of the sex we’ve had, as well as talking about how bad the Wi-Fi connection is in our bedroom and why the fridge keeps freezing everything.

In previously monogamous relationships, I often found that bringing up the rules of our entanglement could incite a complicated conversation that felt more like I was questioning both the relationship and monogamy itself. I probably was, and I perhaps think that my monogamous relationships could have benefited from questioning too: to ensure it was really right for us both, to ensure its maintenance. It ended because we both cheated. Although that cheating was symptomatic of incompatible desire and incompatible experiences of jealousy. And really it was in an inability to, or an avoidance of, talking about the structures of our relationship that it became brittle. If we can’t ask questions of something, is it structurally sound at all?

An open relationship isn’t for everyone. At times the rules are fun, at times they are laborious. At times you wish you hadn’t set a rule, and at times there is hurt when one person read the letter of the rule and another lived the spirit. But we must continue to grow toward each other in all of our various relationships: to understand that words and rules and definitions can only ever do half the work in describing feelings, desires, entanglements.

Now one of my favorite conversations to have on dates is about their rules, my rules, how we all came up with them, how we manage them. It’s sort of like gossip, but about your own sex life. Trust is a nebulous thing, and something very easy to lose but very hard to regain. It takes a lot of work, a lot of thought, respect, and care to nourish something that is at once so fragile and capable of bearing the weight of complicated emotions.

Rules and promises help us to maintain and further this trust. Yes, I might be sleeping with someone else, but if this sex is happening inside a set of rules created with my partner, then the sex with another person in fact becomes irrelevant. The trust lies in the rules. Some people’s rules are to break every rule. And still, the same ends—trust—are achieved.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

August 22, 2023August 21, 2023

Can ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ Relationships Work?

By Gabrielle Kassel

The phrase “don’t ask, don’t tell” may bring to mind the discriminatory policy from the ’90s that kept LGBTQ+ folks in the U.S. military from sharing information about their sexuality or non-cis gender. But the phrase has another meaning in polyamorous circles: a non-monogamous relationship structure that allows some kinds of physical, sexual, and/or emotional connections with people outside the core (or primary) relationship.

Thankfully, the former interpretation of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” was repealed by Congress in 2011, while the latter is a relationship agreement practiced by many lovers today. But what does a DADT relationship look like exactly? And can it work? Due to the down-low nature of the extra-relationship flings involved, the answers to these basic questions can feel nebulous—so we asked relationship therapists to set the record straight.

Experts In This Article

Brett Chamberlin, executive director at the Organization for Polyamory & Ethical Non-monogamy
Rachel Wright, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist
Shadeen Francis, LMFT, CST, Philadelphia-based licensed psychotherapist
Zachary Zane, author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto and sex expert for Archer, a new dating app for queer men

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT) is a relationship agreement where both (or all) people in the relationship have enthusiastically consented to a relationship structure where one or more of the people in the relationship are free to pursue and engage in sexual, romantic, and/or emotional mingling with someone(s) outside of the relationship.

The catch, however, is that the people in the “original” relationship do not discuss these extra-relational connections, and therefore do not know what their partner is up to, explains psychotherapist and sex and relationship expert Rachel Wright, LMFT, host of the podcast The Wright Conversations: A Podcast About Sex, Relationships, and Mental Health. “Someone in one of these agreements, for example, might say things like, ‘I don’t care if my partner has sex with someone, but I don’t want to know anything about it’,” she says.

“Someone in one of these agreements, for example, might say things like, ‘I don’t care if my partner has sex with someone, but I don’t want to know anything about it.’”
—Rachel Wright, LMFT, psychotherapist

Exactly what the individuals in the relationship are allowed to pursue will vary, says Brett Chamberlin, executive director at the Organization for Polyamory & Ethical Non-monogamy. “Some agreements will allow the partners to have intercourse with other individuals so long as they use barriers, while other people may limit activity to kissing in public places, like on the dance floor,” he says. In the former example, it would be considered a breach of the relationship agreement (aka cheating) if one of the partners did not use protection, while in the other it would be considered a breach if someone went home with the cutie from the dance floor, he says.

How little (or much) the individuals in the relationship ask and tell also varies among DADT relationships. “Some people might want to know who their partner is seeing and where they are going, but not any of the specific details of what happens on the date,” says Chamberlin. Meanwhile, other people might be okay simply knowing that their partner is going out—and not knowing whether that’s with a right swipe, friend, or ongoing boo, he says.

Regardless of the exact agreements at play, a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” relationship structure allows people to receive only the information they actually want to receive, within a container that is safe, loving, and consensual. “It offers a clear and intentional way to create a filter valve on the flow of information,” says psychotherapist and board-certified sex therapist Shadeen Francis, LMFT, CST.

Is DADT a form of non-monogamy?

Great question. “If everyone involved is consenting to it being a DADT situation, then yes, it is a form of non-monogamy,” says Wright.

As a refresher: Non-monogamy is any kind of relationship wherein people are allowed to, within the agreements of their relationship(s), form romantic and/or sexual connections with multiple people, explains Wright. You may have heard non-monogamy referred to as ethical non-monogamy (or ENM), but many polyamorous educators, therapists, and practitioners are moving away from that nomenclature, she says. Simply, because there is no such thing as unethical non-monogamy—if it’s not ethical, it’s not non-monogamy at all, but cheating.

“If not everyone is consenting to the DADT situation, then that would be cheating,” says Wright. Cheating, she explains, is about breaking a relationship agreement. “If the agreement is ‘don’t ask, don’t tell,’ then there’s nothing being broken when nothing is asked and nothing is told, and therefore it is not a form of cheating, but a style of non-monogamy.”

No, DADT relationships aren’t (usually) just lying in disguise

DADT relationships are often stereotyped for being used by monogamous folks to excuse away affairs and other extramarital lies, says Francis.

But there are many (many!) ways for folks to set up their DADT relationship that don’t involve lying, says Francis. “There is a common understanding that being honest means sharing all information possible at all times, and under this perspective, privacy—especially when there are firm lines around it—is deception,” she says.

But in actuality, it’s possible to be honest with your partner(s) without sharing absolutely everything. People with all different relationship structures actively filter out details of what they share and don’t share with their partner, says Francis. For instance: Do you volunteer all your financial activity to your partner? Do you share with them the details of your conversations with your friends? Do you talk about your bowel movements? “Every person and relationship has different agreements about what they do and do not choose to be shared,” says Francis.

The difference: In a relationship marked by honesty, the people within the relationship have created agreements about what needs to be shared—and what does not need to be shared—in order to honor each individual’s wants and boundaries.

The potential downsides of DADT

“There can be many problems with DADT, however it isn’t an inherently flawed relationship modality,” says Francis. Still, if you’re considering the structure for yourself, certain potential issues are worth acknowledging.

Generally speaking, DADT relationship structures work best when one (or all) of the people in the primary relationship travel for work, or the individuals do not live (aka nest) together, says Zane. Without these built-in separations, you’re more likely to fall into the pitfalls of lying, he says.

DADT dynamics also generally work best when the amount of sex, romance, or other agreed-upon form of intimacy you want to have outside of the relationship is relatively low. “If you’re constantly having sex with others, and then needing to lie about what you did and where you were to your partner, it’s likely that your relationship will explode rather quickly,” sex educator Zachary Zane, sex expert for the dating app Archer, previously told Well+Good.

Given the nature of the arrangement, DADT can offer particular challenges when a boundary is broken. After all, it can be tricky to disclose that a boundary was breached without sharing information that is normally deemed off-limits. That’s why Francis says it’s important to preemptively have a plan of action in place for moving forward if this happens. (More on this in a sec!)

A “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” relationship can work—here’s how to tell if it’s for you

1. Reflect, reflect, reflect

Sure, this type of agreement might sound perfect to you (and your partners) upon first glance. But before you implement it, Wright recommends digging a little deeper to understand why, exactly, this relationship set-up is appealing to you.

Start by analyzing your current relationship, she says, assuming you’re in one. Is a DADT relationship something that uniquely excites you… or is it your first-stop solution to a component that currently feels like it is missing? Are there other things you could implement—for instance, a weekly date night, mutual masturbation, a vibrator, etc.—that could also fill the same void? In general, introducing third (fourth, or fifth) parties is a messier, less effective way at fixing existing relationship issues than solving for the issue within the pre-existing dyad (or triad).

2. Think about your communication skills

Next, noodle on your comfortability communicating with your boo. Does this relationship structure have appeal to you because you don’t trust that your partner can share about their dalliances in a way that honors your feelings? Or, maybe it’s because you don’t trust yourself to tactfully share about your other bonds with your boo?

While these are both *fine* reasons to come to a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” relationship, they do hint at other communication break-downs within your dyad that will likely continue to come up, no matter your relationship structure.

“In an ideal situation, the folks practicing DADT are not using the label to shield themselves from honest communication, from the vulnerable process of relationship negotiation, or to ignore one another’s boundaries by doing things in secret,” says Francis. But rather, they are open to vulnerability, have strengthened their communication skills, and are choosing this structure because they’ve discerned it’s best for them after thoughtful deliberation, she says.

3. Negotiate for success

Given that the degree of discretion in DADT agreements can range from complete secrecy to, “I’d rather not hear about details of how you spent your time together with others until I’m in the right headspace to listen,” Francis notes that you and your partner(s) will need to get granular about what the DADT framework means for you specifically.

Here, Francis offers some questions to consider together:

What information do you want to know for your health, safety, or well-being?
What information do you need to know to feel respected, loved, and invested in this relationship?
What information do you not want or need about my other relationships?
Under what circumstances should I make something known, or signal to you that I want or need to share something with you?
How will you signal to me that you’d like to know more details or information?

“Asking these questions bi-directionally can help you build a solid foundation for your non monogamy, and keep your choice to practice DADT,” she says.

4. Work with a couples therapist or polyamory coach

PSA: You don’t have to make this decision all on your own. A non-monogamy-informed couples therapist or polyamory educator can help you and your partner(s) figure out exactly what kind of relationship agreement(s) make sense for you.

“I work with a lot of couples who are opening up their monogamous relationship into a non-monogamous relationship and help them come up with agreements around what they want to ask and share, if anything,” says Wright.

5. Research other forms of non-monogamy

A DADT style relationship may be what you and your boo(s) decide works best for you. However, you won’t really know if that is the case until you learn about other forms of relationship agreements.

“There are some great discord servers, meet-up groups, online educators, and written resources on these topics,” Chamberlin says. Some great starting points are listening to the Multiamory podcast, reading books like Polysecure by Jessica Fern, and following polyamorous and non-monogamist sex educators like Remodeled Love, Gab Alexa, Bear & Fifi, and Chill Polyamory on Instagram.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

August 9, 2023August 8, 2023

Ethical non-monogamy

— What to know about these often misunderstood relationships

By Chantal Gautier

Imagine Sarah and John have been in a monogamous relationship for five years. Although they love each other, Sarah, who is bisexual, has recently started feeling an attraction to her coworker, Andrea. This has led to several sexual encounters, leaving Sarah feeling guilty. However, she has not talked to John about her feelings or experiences with Andrea.

No matter how much you love your partner, it’s common to feel attracted to someone outside of a relationship. Some couples may even want sexual encounters with other people. It can be difficult to navigate these feelings, especially when they conflict with the commitment and promises made in the relationship. While the sex between Sarah and Andrea was consensual, Sarah engaged in non-consensual sex by stepping outside of her monogamous relationship without John’s consent.

There is growing curiosity about ethical or consensual non-monogamous relationships, particularly among young people. YouGov data found that 43% of millennial Americans say their ideal relationship is non-monogamous, even if few are in such a relationship. And a survey commissioned by sex toy brand Lelo, found that 28% of aged 18 to 24 would consider an open relationship.

What makes non-monogamy “ethical” is an emphasis on agreed, ongoing consent and mutual respect. All parties involved are fully aware of the situation and voluntarily agree to participate. Partners are free to change their minds at any time and (re)negotiate boundaries that work for everyone involved. Ethical non-monogamy can take many forms, including polyamory, open relationships and swinging.

These relationships are often stigmatised and misunderstood. They challenge the traditional notion of monogamy, which is commonly viewed in most western and religious societies as the only acceptable way of engaging in romantic relationships.

Yet research has shown that consensual non-monogamy can have positive effects on relationships and the people in them. People in consensual non-monogamous relationships have reported higher levels of sexual and relationship satisfaction and greater relational intimacy than people in monogamous relationships.

Misconceptions and stigma

One stigmatising view is that people in non-monogamous relationships pose a greater risk to their partners’ sexual health. This is based on the assumption that having multiple sexual partners increases the likelihood of sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

However, research shows that people in open and non-monogamous relationships have safer sex practices than monogamous, but unfaithful partners. Ethical non-monogamy can be a safer outlet for sexual expression compared with monogamous relationships that have led to cheating where someone ends up passing an STI to their partner.

In healthy relationships, partners recognise that each person has their own unique sexual preferences and diverse needs. For consensually non-monogamous partners, this means understanding that their primary relationship may not always fulfil all their sexual desires.

Although jealousy can still exist within non-monogamous relationships, research has found that it can be more manageable than in monogamous ones. This is because, in secure non-monogamous partnerships, there are open discussions about sexual attraction and setting boundaries, where partners can address jealousy anxiety.

Exploring non-monogamy

Ethical non-monogamy is not for everyone. You should only explore this type of relationship if it feels comfortable, you seek appropriate consent and the existing relationship is solid. Outsiders often hold the stereotypical view that people only engage in ENM if their current relationship is unstable.

If you decide that it’s right for you, keep the following in mind.

1. Communicate openly

Communication is important in any relationship, but especially critical in ENM relationships. Partners must be transparent and honest about their intentions, feelings, expectations and boundaries. People in non-monogamous relationships need to be aware of their emotional boundaries and be prepared to navigate feelings of jealousy.

2. Practice safe sex

Sexual health is key regardless of your relationship status or style. Get tested regularly for STIs and to use protection during sexual encounters to minimise the risk of transmission.

3. Stop shame

Managing stigma is one of the most difficult parts of an ENM relationship. When people are socialised to believe that having multiple partners is wrong or immoral, this can lead to feelings of shame and self-doubt. It is important to recognise that consensually non-monogamous and multipartnered relationships are a valid lifestyle choice. You can seek support from like-minded people or talk to a sex and relationship therapist if necessary.

While non-monogamy is not everyone’s cup of tea, these tips can be helpful for any relationship. Ultimately, it is essential to keep communication, consent and respect at the heart of your partnership.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

June 30, 2023June 29, 2023

What Happens When You End Up With the Wrong Person in a Polyamorous Relationship?

— When it comes to affairs of the heart, we are all beginners. Some of us, however, at least speak with authority. Introducing Shon Faye, author of The Transgender Issue (2021) and the forthcoming Love in Exile (2025), whose advice caught our eye.

Francesco Morandini’s The Three Graces, 1544-1597, Uffizi Gallery.

By Shon Faye

Dear Shon,

I am in a long-term and loving relationship with my partner of almost seven years. We live together and share a fun, happy, and fulfilling life together. We tried polyamory last year, and I fell in love with someone new and was in a relationship with that person for about 10 months. I fell really hard and fast and deep. I had only ever been in love with my partner before meeting this new person. I could see a future with them, and we slotted into each other’s lives. I was totally besotted. It felt so romantic and big.

Then they broke up with me. They said they didn’t want our relationship to end but they couldn’t see a way for it to move forward that would work for them. They wanted things that I couldn’t give them. We have been broken up for three months, and I am miserable. I have been as open as I can be with my primary partner, and we are managing. I have started new hobbies, met new people, slept, cried, eaten well, stayed hydrated, listened to sad music, talked about it with friends. I have been sober since breaking up. I have been looking after myself. And I am miserable.

What should I do? Is this a choice between two lovers? Or should I fight for them back (when I’m not sure I can give them what they need)?

In heartbreak,

Dear S,

The solution to your problem is simple for me to explain, though not easy for you to bear. You’re so devastated because you’re learning one of the most painful lessons there is to learn: that the presence of love is not the only requirement for a relationship to work. Sometimes, an overwhelming passion for another person and an intensity of feeling and connection to them that seems life altering leads absolutely nowhere. You are ruminating over your hopes and fantasies when you were falling for this person—it all seemed to be pointing toward something exciting and transformative. Your life felt elevated and gleamed with potential. Then it just ended. It sucks. I can tell you from experience that ending a relationship under these circumstances feels like burying something still alive so that it can slowly die, shrivel, and decay in the darkness. The imagery I am using is a touch dramatic but only because withdrawing from love is an experience of extremes and, when you’re in it, can honestly feel like a matter of life and death.

I think the fact that this occurred within the context of polyamory is less important, actually. It can and does happen every day to people who are monogamous. If you have only ever loved your primary partner until now and that love progressed to a relationship of many years, you haven’t had the experience of releasing someone in the midst of infatuation because you’re simply not compatible. I wish someone sat us down as teenagers and told us about how important compatibility is. Then again, who would listen as it all sounds so terribly boring: timing, values, financial aspirations, religion, ethics, desires for children, location. Turns out that cumulatively they all matter far more than chemistry and passion in the long term.

You probably know some of this because of your existing partner. They are familiar to you; the love you have for them is perhaps quieter, more consistent, more reliable—even a little boring. That’s what a lot of long-term relationships are—a decision every day to share the mundanity of life. There can still be joys and surprises, but they’re slower and subtler. They will never be as dramatic and grandiose as the thoughts and feelings we experience in the early stages of infatuation, when we have a blank canvas to paint all of our greatest fantasies onto someone new. It’s unsustainable. If you’re still thinking in epic, cinematic terms after a year or two, it’s probably a sign the relationship is dysfunctional.

This isn’t a choice between two lovers because you say you aren’t dissatisfied with your first partner—you are just desperately looking for a way to hold on to the new love, and so your mind keeps presenting this as an ultimatum: End your current relationship and chase a dream, or feel this pain forever. In reality, leaving your current partner would very much risk adding another heartbreak to this scenario and is no guarantee you would make it work with this new person. Fighting for them may work for a month or two, but breakups happen for a reason.

You’re doing all the right things for getting over heartbreak—make sure too that you do not follow this person on social media or maintain contact with them. It is brutal at first, but it works. One thought I had was about your existing partner and their reaction to all this: I would gently suggest that they cannot be the person who supports you through this grief. Ethical non-monogamy doesn’t mean we lose all feelings of jealousy, pain, or resentment. You need to explain to your partner that you’re trying your best to get over this, but also ask them how they feel and what boundaries they may need. It’s good to talk to friends about the breakup and accept that, while your partner is concerned about you, they have their own limits. Once, when I was heartbroken and unsure I would ever be happy again, my friend said to me: “Time will do the work for you if you just keep moving through it.” Hang on in there; it will pass.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

June 27, 2023June 26, 2023

So, You Want To Open Your Monogamous Relationship?

— Here’s Where To Start

By Eliza Dumais

We’re a post-monogamy generation in more ways than one: Our fridges house anywhere from two to 16 varieties of “milk.” We select television programs from 11 competing streaming services. Come dinner time, we opt between hundreds of regional cuisines, all available to us within minutes. We’re spoiled for choice, so to speak, and that ethos extends to our romantic proclivities, as well — which is to say, we’re living in the era of the open relationship.

“Sexuality operates in a part of the brain closer to thirst and hunger. It’s primal. It’s not always logical,” says Dr. Helen E. Fisher, PhD, biological anthropologist, human sexuality expert, and senior research fellow at The Kinsey Institute. “And open relationships allow for transparency and exploration around that urge without sacrificing your pair bond.”

Nevertheless, for a demographic largely brought up around “pair bonding” culture — blame reproductive instincts and social conditioning — non-monogamy is not an easy practice for many of us to adopt. “A great relationship takes more than attraction — it takes shared commitment and work. And all parties have to be willing to put in the effort,” says Sara C. Flowers, DrPH, vice president of education & training at Planned Parenthood Federation of America.

It’s for this reason that, in spite of its more recent popularity, non-monogamy is still in its beta phase. So, in order to help alleviate some of the uncharted anxieties that accompany redefining the nature of your partnership, we’ve built out a primer to add to the ethical non-monogamy oeuvre. Ahead, we’ve consulted sexual health counselors, relationship psychologists, and folks in successful non-monogamous partnerships to help assemble a beginner’s guide to practicing non-monogamy — without sacrificing your romantic well-being in the process. Here’s where to start.

Broach the topic in a safe, comfortable space

Perhaps this goes without saying, but a prix fixe meal out on the town may not be the ideal setting for an initial conversation about the terms of your monogamy. It’s entirely possible that your partner may need space to think, to react, to emote. They may need to cry, to yell, to take a moment away from you in order to gather their thoughts. So be sure to choose a setting that’ll allow them the freedom to indulge that.

“Maybe you write your partner a really long email so they have time to chew it all over on their time before you discuss,” suggests Dr. Fisher. “Maybe you address the matter at home. If you have kids, maybe you make sure they’re off with a babysitter.” You know your partner. You know the ways they process, so make your arrangements accordingly. If this is going to work, it’s going to require a lot of difficult communication, so make sure you’re starting out on the right foot.

“If you’re bringing this up out of the blue, it’s also important to make sure your partner knows that you really care for them and that you’re not abandoning them,” Dr. Fisher adds. “This is not the first step out of the relationship, it’s a way of bolstering a partnership you still want to prioritize.” Simply put, you’re not asking to be single — you’re looking to test out modes of exploration that’ll (theoretically) help you continue to choose your primary partner every day.

Make sure both parties are properly on board

“In the long run, this is not going to work unless both people actually want to do it,” says Dr. Fisher. “So, the first thing you have to do once you’ve started the discussion is figure out whether your partner really wants to give this a shot, or whether they’re just trying to please you, because if they’re compromising for your sake, it’s going to fail.”

As she explains it, human beings are not animals that share well. Sure, we all tend to experience varying levels of jealousy — perhaps innately, perhaps based on previous relationship or family trauma — and given that human beings have been practicing forms of monogamy for reproductive sake for years, it’s inevitable that unlearning that mode of loving is hard. You have to respect that it won’t appeal to everyone, that it may even be offensive to some.

“Consent, in the context of non-monogamy, means being clear with your partner(s) about what you want, and where your boundaries are,” adds Dr. Flowers. “Consent should always be Freely Given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific (FRIES). In practice, that means everyone involved must genuinely want to be in an open relationship. They should know exactly what they’re getting into, and they should understand that they can change their mind if things feel uncomfortable.” That said, people are not static. Part of upholding the contract of consent requires checking in with your partner frequently and re-establishing the baseline of your arrangement.

Outline the terms of your agreement

There is no one-size-fits-all approach to non-monogamy — which is to say, you’ll need to define all the terms of your particular agreement together. Are you interested in having romantic relationships with secondary partners or is the arrangement purely sexual? As a couple, do you want to tell your friends about the arrangement? Your children? Are folks in your immediate circle off limits? Are you allowed to bring new partners home? How much will you share with one another regarding your exploits?

“‘Rules’ is a big word, but there are definitely considerations we take for each other,” says Jackson*, 24, who has been in a non-monogamous relationship for nearly four years. “One major consideration is sharing the experiences we have outside of the relationship with each other. If there’s nothing hidden, the waters are less murky. And it can be fun and even erotic to share stories of our outside entanglements with one another.”

Of course, it’s likely that your terms will change as your experience unfolds in actuality, rather than in theory. Dr. Fisher even suggests outlining your agreement on paper, so you’re able to revisit your “contract” at will. “I’ve worked with clients who prefer swinging because you’re always engaging with secondary partners together,” says Dr. Fisher. “And for other people, it’s all about determining whose money you spend on dates, or which nights are off limits for secondary partners, or what spaces, beds, restaurants, cities are primary partner territory, only.”

No two non-monogamy agreements are exactly alike — and that’s why it’s important to give this stage the proper time to breathe. Go back and forth, consult friends about their experiences, read internet forums, watch documentaries, open your brain up to the absolutely limitless quantity of potential approaches to this breed of intimacy. “Folks will rarely tell you about the inordinate amount of time it takes to discuss all this — be prepared, come at it with endurance, leave no stone unturned,” adds Dr. Fisher.

Prioritize your sexual health

Unlike with being single, exploring your sexuality while maintaining a primary partnership means that one person’s actions can affect both parties’ sexual health. You’ll need to agree on your stances on contraceptives, birth control, regular STI tests, and plenty of other issues regarding your collective sexual well-being.

“Communication, empathy, and safer sex practices are important in any romantic relationship,” says Dr. Flowers. “All parties have to be willing to put in the effort. Have open and honest conversations about sex. Take care of your sexual health. Talk to your partner about how you’re going to protect each other against infections and unintended pregnancy. Get tested for STIs regularly.” Ensure that you and your partner have aligned on your policies re: condoms and other forms of birth control. Maintain standing appointments to get tested. Make sure you’re prioritizing one another’s health, even while exploring your sexuality.

Check in with one another regularly

“For us, the rules are always evolving. I think that’s one of the biggest challenges for me in being non-monogamous,” says Rachel*, 31 who has been in an open relationship with her girlfriend for three years. “Knowing that what felt okay last week might not work this week, and having the confidence to advocate for yourself and being able to listen to what your partner needs are all things that have become huge aspects of our relationship.”

Given that the nature of the arrangement is new, it’s likely that you’ll have plenty of cause to revisit your agreement, and the ways it’s affecting you both as a couple and as individuals. After your initial discussion, Dr. Fisher recommends setting a date for regular check-ins, whether it’s a weekly touch base or something far less frequent. That way, you’ll have designated time set aside to litigate without allowing the subject of non-monogamy to leak into all other spaces in your life

Remember, while indulging in forms of secondary partnership, it’s important to make sure you’re still nourishing your primary relationship with all the affection and attention it deserves. Be it a weekly date night, regular vacations, or regular home-cooked meals, factor in time for the two of you as a couple. “Non-monogamy requires so much talking: talking about how you’re feeling, talking about how they’re feeling, talking through past events, talking through hypothetical scenarios,” adds Rachel*. “It can feel like all you do is have hard relationship conversations. It’s important to have those, but make sure you’re also just shooting the shit and getting to enjoy each other.”

Give yourselves an exit strategy

In exploring the thresholds of non-monogamy with your partner, you do indeed run the risk of one or both of you determining that an open relationship simply isn’t working — or at the very least, isn’t serving the sanctity of the primary partnership. And according to Dr. Fisher, if you decide to end the arrangement, you need to decide as a couple. “You need to commit, together, to going back to a pair bond,” she says. “And that means also communicating with any other secondary partners in your life that you’re refocusing on your primary partner, and your outside relationships will need to come to a close.”

If you and your partner are on different pages about closing your relationship, it’s a hard topic to broach, so you’ll need to put some tools in place to make sure you both have the freedom to tap out, whether that’s a timeline on attempting non-monogamy before making a decision together, or a safe word, or a promise to consult an expert to help you facilitate the transition. Utilize resources like your local Planned Parenthood chapter to help navigate obstacles when you feel you’re out of your depth.

Moreover, for couples reinstating monogamy, Dr. Fisher advises steering away from language around “going back.” Partnership is about moving forward. Regression is not an option. Instead, you’ll want to set a precedent for new ways of nourishing your pair bond. “Novelty drives up the dopamine system in the brain, and it can trigger feelings of romantic love or help sustain them,” she explains. “So be honest with your partner about things that make you feel complacent. Talk about ways of injecting your relationship with novelty that don’t include other partners. Continue to build a new partnership with this person you love.”

* Names have been changed to protect the identity of the speaker

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

May 30, 2023May 29, 2023

The Woman in an Open Marriage With a Gay Man

— New York Magazine’s “Sex Diaries” series asks anonymous city dwellers to record a week in their sex lives — with comic, tragic, often sexy, and always revealing results. The column, which began in 2007, is the basis of a new docuseries on HBO.

As told to Alyssa Shelasky

This week, a landscape architect goes on a few questionable dates and wonders how to zhuzh up her sex life: 45, married, New York.

DAY ONE

6:20 a.m. Our daughter wanders into our room for morning cuddles. My husband, Howie, snuggles with her for a little while. I get up and put coffee on.

7:15 a.m. Our son is now awake. We all have breakfast — cereal and waffles. I pack the kids’ backpacks and Howie takes them to elementary school.

9:30 a.m. Finally, I have a moment to myself and check my phone. Howie and I are in an open marriage. We don’t have a sexual relationship — he mostly sleeps with gay men, and I’m bisexual. We met at a gay bar about eight years ago and became the best of friends. We got pregnant via IVF and then decided to get married and co-parent together because we love each other and wanted to be a family unit. We just outsource our sex lives!

Anyway, Thea, a woman I met on Hinge, has texted about a drink tomorrow night. I have to check my schedule with Howie, so I don’t write back.

2 p.m. I jump in my car and head to the Hamptons for a meeting with a new client. I’m a landscape architect and do projects in the Hamptons and upstate New York, so I’m on the road a lot. On the way, I listen to music — a hip-hop playlist Howie made for me.

6 p.m. The meeting went well. I think they’re going to hire me. I start the drive back to the city.

9 p.m. By the time I get home, the entire house is asleep, including Howie, so I get on the couch and do some flirting on the apps. I confirm a drink with Thea for tomorrow and tell a guy named Paulo that I’d be down for a coffee the next day.

9:30 p.m. It occurs to me that I haven’t had really great sex with anyone in months. My last hookup was with a woman visiting for a week from London. We got drunk on spicy margaritas and went crazy on each other at her hotel room. I need something like that soon and hope Thea or Paulo are good options.

DAY TWO

8 a.m. Get the kids ready for school by myself. Howie had an early meeting. He’s a lawyer. Since we’re in our mid-40s, he’s finally in a position of power and has slightly better hours, but he works for a pretty conservative firm so he’s tight-lipped about our lifestyle.

1 p.m. Drafting a proposal for the Hamptons client. I finally hit “send” and then go to the gym.

3 p.m. From the treadmill, I suggest a few date spots to Thea. She’s younger and is “an artist,” though it’s unclear from her dating profile what that means. I hope she’s not a total hipster or party girl.

6 p.m. Kiss the kids goodnight. Tell Howie to wish me luck and leave the apartment. It’s kind of like we’re roommates — when he knows I’m going on a date, he’s excited for me. There’s no weirdness unless one of us leaves the other with a ton of parenting or chores.

7 p.m. At some bar in Bushwick to meet Thea. I get a drink and check my emails.

7:15 p.m. Thea walks in. She’s adorable. Big smile, beautiful skin, long hair. I’m so glad she’s not a gritty hipster. I’m just not attracted to dirty hair and nose piercings. But she is very young, in her late 20s, which surprises me. I have no idea how I missed that on her dating profile. I kind of feel like her mother.

9 p.m. So far, it’s a good date. I’m attracted to her. We’ve had two drinks each, and we decide to move next door and get some food.

9:30 p.m. We’re eating some overpriced artisanal pizza. When we’re finished, I pay, and we decide to call our Ubers home. We start making out while we wait. It’s wonderful. She’s tender and affectionate. I’m into it, but I decide we can hang out another time and see where things go. Not tonight, I’m getting tired.

10:15 p.m. Crawl into bed. I tell Howie I had fun but I wasn’t super into her. She was a little boring if I’m being honest.

DAY THREE

6 a.m. Daughter is up. I’m hungover. Since Howie did the heavy lifting last night, I handle the morning routine.

8:30 a.m. Drop off the kids. Stop at a café for my second coffee of the morning.

12:30 p.m. I’m visiting a client in Cobble Hill. She’s not happy with a job I did for her last summer, so I’m dreading it.

1:30 p.m. Leave the meeting in a bad mood. Still have a hangover. Sometimes I wonder if this lifestyle is sustainable for Howie and me. He barely goes out anymore because he says he’s content with our home life and has plenty of porn to jerk off to. We’re older now, and I wonder if I’m ready to slow down my sex life too. It feels like I’m at a crossroads.

4 p.m. A long afternoon of invoicing and paperwork.

6 p.m. Head to a drinks event with a hotel brand that always hires me for big jobs. I’m really not looking forward to it, but I can’t blow it off.

7 p.m. On the subway there, Paulo texts about hanging out tonight. I tell him now’s not a good time but maybe at the end of the week. I also see a text from Thea, but I ignore it.

9 p.m. Showed face and schmoozed the hotel people. Now I’m on the train home.

10:30 p.m. I take out my vibrator while pretending to take a shower. Sitting on the bathroom floor, I press it against my underwear, close my eyes, and try to imagine fucking Thea. My mind switches channels and instead, I’m on my stomach, getting railed by an unknown man with a huge cock while I go down on some woman. I come in about 60 seconds. Then I take a shower for real.

DAY FOUR

6 a.m. Up with the kids since Howie handled bedtime.

10:30 a.m. At a client’s house, working. All of my clients are wealthy, but this one is spectacularly wealthy and spectacularly rude. But she pays very well and on time, so I don’t want to bite the hand that feeds me. She truly is a bitch, though.

4:30 p.m. I pick up the kids from their after-school programs and we head home. Howie is going to a work party tonight, so I want to get everyone fed before he takes off.

5 p.m. Start making chicken tortilla soup. I love cooking. I always have a glass of wine while I cook. In these moments, I’m 100 percent satisfied with my life and don’t need anything more.

6 p.m. Everyone eats, then the kids and I send Howie off. He looks so handsome. I feel bad for him at these work parties. He says it’s no big deal hiding his identity, but I wish he’d be more open about his true self. But it’s his business, not mine.

9 p.m. I’m on the couch texting Paulo. He obviously wants to sext. He literally said, “What are you wearing?” So corny.

I write back, “Describe your cock for me?” He asks if I want a picture. I do. He sends one and it’s big, veiny, and kind of scary — but also beautiful in a way. I wonder if it’s his real dick.

He asks if I want to FaceTime. I say no, then put the phone down and watch TV. Howie could be home at any moment, and I don’t want him walking in on me fingering myself to a stranger on the phone. It would just be too embarrassing.

DAY FIVE

7:30 a.m. Howie did the morning shift. Yay. I head to a meeting with my accountant.

Noon: Lunch with my sister, who lives near the accountant. She knows about my lifestyle and doesn’t judge. She’s in a sexless, dull marriage and says she often feels stuck in “Blahsville.” I wish she could just open things up like us, but she says she’s not interested in sex so an open marriage doesn’t appeal to her. That may be true, but it makes me wonder how her husband is getting off. I bet he cheats on her, but I’d never say that out loud.

3 p.m. Paulo wants to meet up. I did like the size and strength of his cock. From our chats, he seems potentially gross, but I’m intrigued. I suggest tomorrow night.

7 p.m. We have family dinner at a restaurant. It’s very fun. My kids are so precious. Howie and I are pretty open with them about our unconventional marriage. I mean, we tell them what their brains can handle, things like “There are lots of different ways to be married. We do it our way, and it’s the best way for us!” I’ll explain the details when they’re older, but I’m not worried about it.

DAY SIX

6 a.m. It’s the weekend! Which means we still wake up at the crack of dawn …

Noon: A morning of soccer and karate classes.

3 p.m. Our kids watch a movie while Howie and I decide what to do tonight. We always get a sitter on Saturdays. Howie plans to meet up with his best friend, who is gay and married and about to have his first child. I tell Howie I might have a drink with Paulo, who has a huge cock and might be a bit sketchy. We both laugh. Howie makes me laugh like no one else can.

7:30 p.m. Paulo picked a cool bar in Tribeca. I walk in a bit late and he’s there. He looks nothing like his dating-app photos. He’s much shorter, fatter, and scuzzier in real life. It’s like night and day. I feel very annoyed by this. Like, come on, dude, do better.

8:30 p.m. He wants to go fuck right away. He suggests the bathroom of the bar and then a hotel room where he’s apparently “a VIP.” Ick! He’s neither charming nor seductive, so after one drink, I hop on a Citi Bike and ride all the way home. I block him the minute I dock the bike.

9 p.m. Sent the sitter home early and took a shower. Had to wash off the ick.

DAY SEVEN

6:30 a.m. Drinking my first cup of coffee. I’m feeling a little blah. I can’t seem to meet someone sexy and cool in real life, my husband is gay, and I’m getting older. Ugh, whatever, just the morning blues, I guess.

12:30 p.m. Take the kids to a birthday party. The mom hosting it is newly divorced and beautiful. She has a masculine edge, and I’m very attracted to her but I never know how to hit on other moms. It’s tricky since it’s in my kids’ orbit.

1 p.m. The birthday mom says something like “Remember when Sundays were all about binge-watching TV and having sex all day?” We both laugh and get pulled away by our kids, but I consider this an interesting sign …

3 p.m. Before I leave the party, she gives me her cell. I feel a vibe but not sure what to make of it. Murky territory.

8:30 p.m. After saying goodnight to the kids, I text the birthday mom to thank her for the party. She writes back, “We should get a drink sometime.” I make myself wait 20 minutes before writing back: “I’d love that.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

April 29, 2023April 29, 2023

I’m a Sex Coach in a Monogamish Relationship

— Here’s How I Handle the Fear and Jealousy That Can Come With Non-Monogamy

By Quean Mo

Even if you know wholeheartedly that you want to be non-monogamous, actually engaging in that relationship structure can elicit a variety of complex emotions. At the same time that you feel desire, you might also feel fear and jealousy—and I’ve experienced this firsthand, as both a person in a monogamish relationship (a form of non-monogamy that allows for agreed-upon sex acts outside of an otherwise monogamous relationship) and a sex coach who works with clients looking to navigate the complexities of such relationships.

When my husband James and I first got together eight years ago, it was in a monogamous relationship. But after we built a loving, trusting partnership—one that alleviated the emotional baggage I carried from a prior abusive relationship—I found that I was able to access parts of myself that I’d previously closed off. I discovered that I was a cuckquean (a woman who is aroused by her partner having an affair with another woman) and that I wanted to open up our relationship.

The idea of James sleeping with other women drove me mad with jealousy, and yet that jealousy felt so intensely good. The best way to describe this experience is that, because I felt emotionally secure within my relationship, I could sit in the fiery sensation that jealousy conjures without burning alive; it warmed and exhilarated me rather than consuming me.

The prospect of actually engaging in this fantasy, however, sparked loud, conflicting voices in my head. One voice promised that this lifestyle would make our relationship all the more fulfilling, while the other warned of the opposite. I was fighting with myself, but one feeling remained consistent: I loved James, and I also wanted to explore pleasure beyond ourselves.

Over the past four-plus years together, we’ve done just that, carefully weighing the pros and cons of non-monogamy and crafting a version of it that suits us both. The process has been a gateway to personal and relationship growth and enhanced pleasure. But it certainly hasn’t always been easy or linear.

Mainstream society tends to reinforce a primarily monogamous relationship structure and offers little guidance on anything outside of it, much less the nuanced feelings that non-monogamy can spark.

I’ve noticed non-monogamy becoming increasingly popular, but even so, mainstream society tends to reinforce a primarily monogamous relationship structure that offers little guidance on anything outside of that, much less the nuanced feelings that non-monogamy can spark. Below, I share how I’ve learned to navigate the fear and jealousy that can arise with non-monogamy and the advice I offer clients who aim to do the same.

5 tips to manage fear and jealousy when embracing non-monogamy with a partner

1. Discuss both the upsides of non-monogamy and of your individual relationship

Clear communication is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship, but it is especially important when you’re aiming to open up a relationship or fundamentally change its structure. By talking candidly about why you have the desire for a particular version of non-monogamy or a monogamish relationship with a partner, you also have the chance to address the what-ifs, which can help quell fears that arise naturally because of what is still unknown.

Here are a few questions that my husband and I considered when we discussed opening our relationship:

What sides of non-monogamy interested me? And why?
Was he interested in a monogamish relationship? If so, why?
What were our biggest fears when it came to embracing non-monogamy?
What role would each of us play?
What boundaries needed to be established?

In figuring out how you and a partner could both stand to benefit from non-monogamy, it’s equally important to reiterate what you value in the relationship you share with each other, according to sex and intimacy coach Rebekah Beneteau. “Maybe you two nest and co-parent really well together, but sexually you’re both dominant,” she says. “You may then want to get that need met somewhere else, while still recognizing that you have these other terrific connection points.”

The clear recognition that your current monogamous relationship has real value can help mitigate some of the natural fear and jealousy that can come with inviting others into the fold.

2. Define how you’ll each continue to be included in each other’s pleasure

When my husband and I were first embracing non-monogamy, I felt jealousy at the realization that I would no longer be the singular or even primary source of his sexual pleasure.

Beneteau defines this type of jealousy with an equation: turn-on + exclusion. “You don’t get jealous if your husband is doing their taxes with someone else,” she says, of exclusion without the turn-on.

Because our version of non-monogamy would involve sex acts with others, the antidote to jealousy was in figuring out how we could reduce feelings of exclusion and continue to be included in each other’s pleasure, both sexually and otherwise. This involved adopting the fundamental understanding that love and sex aren’t innately or always connected, and setting clear boundaries around our sexual relationships with others, so each of us felt included in those decisions.

3. Use self-reflection to examine the true source of your fears around non-monogamy

Typically, pain and fear are survival mechanisms that spring from perceived threat. The important thing to note, though, is that many of our perceptions of threat in relationships aren’t rooted in actual danger so much as they are in societal conditioning around monogamy—that “real” love is monogamous love, that we should search for “the one,” or that we should be able to have all our needs met by one person.

Many of our perceptions of threat in relationships aren’t rooted in actual danger so much as they are in societal conditioning around monogamy.

By taking “an intellectual look at the fears we feel [surrounding non-monogamy],” or following them with an objective lens, we can determine whether they’re actually true to us or are just stemming from the monogamous narratives that have been imparted onto us (and no longer serve us), says sociologist and relationship consultant Elisabeth “Eli” Scheff, PhD.

To do that, try implementing a self-reflection practice, such as journaling, to track your fears to their cores, and decide whether or not they have real merit. Understanding that the root of my fears around non-monogamy was in the societal narratives I once harbored has helped liberate me from those stories—and it could do the same for you.

4. Take small steps toward non-monogamy

Trial and error can feel intimidating when it comes to transitioning a monogamous relationship into a non-monogamous one—which is why gradual steps are key to success. Here are a few exercises from my personal tool kit to help you test the waters when you’re managing feelings of fear and jealousy:

People-watch with your partner with the intention of sharing whom you find attractive.
Have an ethical porn date during which you watch porn and play together or separately (be it in different rooms or through mutual masturbation).
Explore online dating apps, either as a couple or separately. Start by chatting only, increasing engagement as you both see fit.

These items are meant to be entry-level actions you can take, with low emotional risk, to gauge how each of you feel when your partner is thinking about or engaging with someone else. The point is to communicate at every stage what works and what doesn’t so you can either continue forward or recalibrate accordingly. This way, you don’t risk accidentally pushing things too far too quickly in a way that leaves one or both partners feeling hurt.

5. Remember that you are always your primary partner

Being your own primary partner means “you are not willing to lose yourself for the sake of any relationship, and that anybody coming into your space just has the power to enhance it and bring something juicy, new, and fun,” says Beneteau.

What I love about this concept is that it shifts the focus from feelings of fear and potential inadequacy to individual empowerment.

The structure of your relationship has less to do with the success of it than the quality of the relationship itself.

When my husband and I transitioned from monogamous to monogamish, I navigated some frustration. I could feel that this was the right path for me, and yet, I was terrified of the consequences. What I learned, however, is what you bring to a relationship—trust, honesty, communication, love, respect—will best determine the longevity of that partnership and how satisfied you are within it (not whether it’s monogamous or non-monogamous or somewhere in-between).

As a result, it’s especially important to tend to your relationship with yourself if you find that you’re facing fear and jealousy in the pursuit of non-monogamy. “The relationship you have with yourself is foundational in how you move through the world,” says Beneteau.

One way to strengthen that relationship to self is to set your own pleasure as your compass. By reflecting on your desires for non-monogamy and following the path that you believe will bring you the most pleasure—even in the face of your fears—you’ll move toward your authentic self and a more fulfilling relationship, too. The journey will likely involve ample communication and trial-and-error, but remembering that it’s ultimately all in the name of your pleasure can help mitigate emotional setbacks and make it that much more rewarding in the end.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

March 4, 2023March 3, 2023

Bisexuals are the ‘invisible majority’ in LGBTQ America

By Daniel de Visé

Nearly three-fifths of LGBTQ adults in America identify as bisexual, according to a new Gallup poll, a finding that illustrates the extent of a population that some researchers have termed the “invisible majority” of the queer community.

Young Americans, and young women in particular, have widely rejected the notion of sexuality as a binary choice — straight versus gay — just as they have largely abandoned the either-or, boy-girl system of fixed gender.

One-fifth of Generation Z respondents identified as queer, Gallup found, one of the largest generational LGBTQ populations ever documented.

Two-thirds of young, queer adults polled consider themselves bisexual, meaning they are attracted to more than one gender. Most of them are women, who outnumber bisexual men 3 to 1, according to Gallup. Scholars say American society allows women more latitude than men in exploring sexual identity.

“We have a range of sexualities within us,” said Michael Bronski, a Harvard professor who penned a definitive Queer History of the United States. “I think women have far more permission to be open about their sexual desires than men do, no matter how men feel.”

Around 7 percent of American adult respondents overall identified as queer in 2022, according to Gallup. Of that group, 58 percent identified as bisexual.

Researchers increasingly recognize bisexuality as the largest LGBTQ population. A pioneering 2011 study by the Williams Institute, a UCLA thinktank, examined several earlier surveys and found that bisexuals constituted a narrow majority.

A 2011 report from the San Francisco Human Rights Commission termed bisexuals the “invisible majority” of the queer community, calling out a societal tendency to act as if the largest LGBTQ group didn’t exist.

The San Francisco report found that bisexuals are frequently “ignored, discriminated against, demonized, or rendered invisible by both the heterosexual world and the lesbian and gay communities. Often, the entire sexual orientation is branded as invalid, immoral or irrelevant.”

The concept of “bisexual erasure” has a long and growing Wikipedia page.

Meanwhile, the visibility of the LGBTQ community as a whole has been increasing. With polls revealing ever-larger numbers of queer Americans, observers may be tempted to conclude the population is rising. One long-running Gallup survey, for example, found twice as many young, queer adults in 2021 as in 2017.

Researchers see the rising poll numbers more as a journey of discovery.

American society has stigmatized homosexuality, bisexuality, pansexuality and polysexuality for generations. Same-sex sexual activity remained illegal in parts of the United States until 2003. Federal law did not protect same-sex marriage until 2015.

As society has become more accepting of queer Americans, experts say, more people have publicly identified as queer. Rising tolerance may also explain why the queer community is proportionally larger among younger adults than older ones. Among the Silent Generation — Americans born in 1945 or earlier — only 1.7 percent identify as queer.

“As exciting as it is to see those numbers going up, I think those numbers are still not giving us the full picture,” said V Varun Chaudhry, a cultural anthropologist at Brandeis University who studies gender and sexuality.

Only recently have many surveys and studies focused on subgroups in the queer community, such as bisexuals, along with the total LGBTQ population. Gallup, for one, did not ask respondents to identify a specific category until 2020.

The categories themselves have not been static. The definition of bisexuality has expanded in recent years to embrace a broader view of gender and a growing range of LGBTQ subgroups, populations that don’t always fit within the strictures of a one-word label.

The modern concept of bisexuality dates to the 1800s, and the label is showing its age. “Bisexual” implies an either-or duality of genders that arguably ignores transgender, gender-variant and nonbinary people. A landmark 2021 study found 1.2 million nonbinary adults identify with neither the male nor female gender.

The term “is imperfect at best,” the San Francisco commission concluded in its report.

In recent years, bisexuality has evolved into a catchall that embraces pansexuality and polysexuality, expressing the concept of being physically attracted to someone regardless of gender.

The idea of attraction to multiple genders has seeded both celebration and conflict over the decades.

The 20th century saw brief periods of “bisexual chic,” times of heightened public interest and acceptance, sometimes extending to androgynous imagery in fashion magazines and on runways.

The blues singers Ma Rainey and Bessie Smith and poet Edna St. Vincent Millay openly identified as bisexual in the 1920s, an era of social and sexual exploration.

Another epoch of bisexual chic peaked amid the androgynous disco stylings of the late 1970s. Elton John came out as bisexual in a 1976 issue of Rolling Stone; David Bowie came out as gay in 1972. Sir Elton later identified as gay, while Bowie settled on a more ambiguous sexual identity.

At the time, celebrities who came out as either bisexual or gay risked fortune and fame. Bowie “said the bisexual label helped sell records in the U.K., but it hurt selling records in the U.S.,” the Harvard professor Bronski said, illustrating how American society resisted accepting queer identities.

Bisexual people have faced ostracism from within the queer community as well as from without.

The modern LGBTQ rights movement struggled for decades to posit the simple idea that some people are born with a natural attraction to others of the same biological sex, a concept that the movement’s opponents have sought to deny.

Many in the movement “felt that people who were saying they were bisexual were being evasive,” Bronski said.

Prejudices persist to this day. A 2019 study found that bisexual people experience “bi-negativity”— anti-bisexual prejudice — “from both heterosexuals and lesbian and gay individuals, as well as the LGBTQ community more broadly.”

Bisexual people are stigmatized over the belief that they are “confused about their sexuality, or that bisexuality does not actually exist,” the study found. They are sometimes viewed as promiscuous or untrustworthy.

“There’s this assumption that you’re either gay or straight and you will ultimately fall to one side or the other,” Chaudhry said. “People might say, ‘Oh, you’re not really committed to this relationship because your last partner was the other gender.’”

To this day, some older lesbian and gay people struggle to accept bisexuality. Younger adults, by contrast, have grown up with “a range of sexualities,” Bronski said, with gay and lesbian just two identities among many.

Survey numbers suggest, however, that young men are far less open than young women to exploring attraction to people of multiple genders. Six percent of American women respondents identify as bisexual, Gallup found, but only 2 percent of men.

Researchers cite enduring masculine stereotypes that associate sexual exploration with femininity. Popular culture is awash in female celebrities who identify as bisexual; male bisexual role models seem fewer.

“If I had to guess, I would say there are more societal constraints around masculinity than around femininity,” Chaudhry said. “There’s a lot more societally accepted fluidity and freedom in so-called female friendships.”

A 2019 Pew Research survey found bisexual people are much less likely than gay or lesbian people to be “out” to important people in their lives. One reason, Pew reported, is that bisexuals are less likely to see sexual orientation as central to their identity.

Bisexual people are far more likely to marry or cohabit with partners of a different sex. A 2021 Gallup survey found 32 percent of bisexual adult respondents had partners of a different sex, and 5 percent had same-sex partners. Some of that disparity, researchers say, reflects enduring prejudice.

“There’s actually enormous pressure from parents to get married,” Bronski said. “Still. Parents who are younger than me. These are mostly younger, heterosexual parents who are invested in heterosexual relationships.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

February 21, 2023February 20, 2023

Can a monogamous couple happily become nonmonogamous?

— It’s possible but not easy, experts say.

Exploring ethical nonmonogamy isn’t always easy for couples who have been monogamous in the past.

By Ian Kerner

Can a monogamous couple become nonmonogamous? Of course, they can — but do these couples survive and thrive? What are the pitfalls and what are the pleasures?

More and more I’m seeing couples in my practice of all ages who have always been in monogamous relationships but now are seriously thinking about opening up their relationships. They are young couples just starting out, couples with young kids and a mortgage, and empty nesters looking to find their wings.

The reasons for taking the leap vary. Often one or both partners may be feeling sexually dissatisfied in the primary relationship — it may be boredom, mismatched libidos or a desire to explore new horizons. Sometimes there’s a hunger for the excitement and energy that come when people first connect with someone new. It’s also possible one or both partners don’t believe in monogamy. For some couples, sex has always been an issue, even though the rest of the relationship works.

No matter the reason, interest in nonmonogamy — participation in nonexclusive sexual relationships — is on the rise. In a 2020 study of 822 currently monogamous people by Kinsey Institute research fellow Justin Lehmiller, nearly one-third said that having an open relationship was their favorite sexual fantasy, and 80% wanted to act on it.

What happens if your relationship starts off as monogamous, and you or your partner change your mind? That doesn’t have to doom your relationship, Lehmiller said. “Research suggests that relationship quality is actually quite similar in monogamous and consensually nonmonogamous relationships,” he said. “Both relationship styles can work well — and both can fail, too.”

I believe the key to successful nonmonogamy is in one word: consensual. Known as ethical nonmonogamy, this approach is different from monogamous relationships in which partners cheat on each other. An ethically nonmonogamous relationship involves two people who identify as a couple but who are not committed to a traditional relationship, according to sexologist Yvonne Fulbright.

“They’ve given each other the opportunity to date or have sex with other people independently,” said Fulbright, who is based in Iceland. “Often a key component in these relationships working out is that the other relationship is only sexual, not romantic or emotional. There’s no deception about engaging in sex with others.”

Some couples may find ethical nonmonogamy easier than others. That includes those who have discussed the possibility of an open relationship from the beginning as well as LGBTQ couples. “In my experience, gay and queer couples have more ease with nonmonogamy,” New York-based sex therapist Dulcinea Alex Pitagora said.

“They’ve had to do more introspection and communication around their sexual or gender identity,” Pitagora said. “This additional time spent understanding who they are, what they want, and learning how to communicate it dovetails very smoothly into communicating about nonmonogamy.”

For couples who choose to open their relationships ethically, there can be benefits. “Nonmonogamy can be fulfilling and a catalyst for self-growth,” Wisconsin-based sex therapist Madelyn Esposito said. “This self-growth can deepen understanding and desire for your primary partner as you have the space to explore yourself and your own sexual needs outside of relational confines.”

In an open relationship there is often less pressure to have all your sexual needs met from your partner, Florida-based sex therapist Rachel Needle said. “And there is less pressure on you to meet all of your partner’s sexual needs. This gives you the opportunity to enjoy sexual activity with your partner but do it without added tension or anxiety.”

Sometimes the heat generated outside the bedroom even finds its way back into the primary relationship. “Many nonmonogamous folks find that partner variety revs up their libido, and that this transfers over into increased sex in the primary relationship,” Lehmiller said. “Something else we’ve found in our research is that, beyond sex, these relationships can also mutually reinforce each other. Specifically, being more satisfied with a secondary partner actually predicts being more committed to the primary partner.”

But making the leap into ethical nonmonogamy isn’t always easy for couples who have been historically monogamous. Often, one partner is “driving,” and the other is a reluctant passenger going along for the ride. Sometimes a couple can’t agree on what constitutes nonmonogamy (casual sex with different people versus repeatedly seeing one person), or they can’t agree on rules (posting a profile online, staying overnight, bringing someone home, no kissing).

One partner might be worried about the social stigma if others find out or just can’t get beyond all the cultural messaging that idealizes monogamy. Nonmonogamy can trigger strong feelings such as jealousy and possessiveness. “Even bringing it up as a curiosity can feel threatening to some couples/partners,” Fulbright said.

What should you consider if ethical nonmonogamy is on your mind?

There are any number of positive motivators for couples to try nonmonogamy, but what you don’t want to do is rely on nonmonogamy to slap a Band-Aid on existing problems. “Using nonmonogamy to fix a relationship is as effective as having a baby to fix a relationship — it’s a terrible idea,” said Rebecca Sokoll, a psychotherapist in New York City. “You need a strong and healthy relationship to make the transition to nonmonogamy.”

Don’t do it to distance yourself from your partner. “Ethical nonmonogamy can also be a defense mechanism, a delay tactic, a hide-and-seek game and an aversion to closeness,” said Minnesota-based psychotherapist Hanna Zipes Basel, who specializes in this area. “I see couples succeed when they enter nonmonogamy with an already secure functioning relationship, when they are both equally desiring nonmonogamy, and/or they have had prior experience or done their homework.”

“Get educated on the wide array of philosophies, structures and agreements that are possible in the ethical nonmonogamy world through books, podcasts and articles,” suggested sex therapist Sari Cooper, who directs the Center for Love and Sex in New York. “Journal about what each of you is looking for through this transition and discuss these goals with your partner to see if you’re on the same page and, if not, what overlaps or compromises might work.”

There’s no doubt that ethical nonmonogamy requires communication — and lots of it. “I suggest a ‘what if’ conversation before anyone takes anything into action,” Los Angeles-based sex therapist Tammy Nelson advised. “Talking about the potential positives as well as the pitfalls of a possible exploration can prevent problems that could come up later. The more you talk about the issues before they happen the better.”

A therapist experience in working with couples pursuing ethical nonmonogamy can help you weigh the potential pros and cons, guide you through the process and provide you with a neutral, safe space to discuss things.

Determine what ethical nonmonogamy looks like to you both and agree on your parameters — more rigid rules may be best when starting out — and plan to keep the conversation going.

“I see dozens of couples a year who come to therapy to try and negotiate their expectations in advance,” said Kimberly Resnick Anderson, a sex therapist in Los Angeles. “Couples who do their homework ahead of time have a much better success rate than couples who jump right in without preparation.

“Even couples who prep responsibly are often surprised by their reactions to certain situations and need to renegotiate boundaries.”

In my professional experience, the couples who succeed at nonmonogamy often don’t require many rules at all, because they trust each other, prioritize the primary relationship and hold each other in mind throughout the process.

If ethical nonmonogamy doesn’t work for you — or leads to a breakup — that doesn’t mean it’s a loss. “Consider a couple with children who, without ethical nonmonogamy, would have split up, and for whom nonmonogamy stabilizes their relationship,” New Jersey-based sex therapist Margie Nichols said.

“Eventually, that stability doesn’t last, but ethical nonmonogamy allows the couple to uncouple consciously and take time with the process,” Nichols said. “Because of the thoughtfulness, the family can remain living together or near each other and still love and care for each other, and there is no bitterness or rancor between the two. I’d call that a success — despite divorce.”

In the end, couples who succeed are fiercely committed to their primary relationship: They protect it, cherish it and care for it. They ensure that their foundation is solid and secure, and they continue to grow and expand as a couple in ways beyond sex. Nonmonogamy may be an exciting new chapter for a couple, but it doesn’t mean the story of their relationship comes to an end. It should feel like an exciting beginning.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

February 17, 2023

Polysexual vs. Pansexual

— How Are They Different?

Polysexual and pansexual are sometimes used interchangeably, but these terms do not mean the same thing. Although similar, polysexual is different from pansexual. Here we explain how and why they differ.

By Sophia Metrakos, RN

Polysexual and pansexual are two similar types of sexual identification, but they are not the same thing.
Both terms describe individuals who are attracted to more than one gender.
Pansexual people are attracted to all people regardless of gender.
Those who identify as polysexual are attracted to multiple genders but not all.

Polysexual vs pansexual explained

The main difference between polysexual and pansexual is that people who identify as pansexual place no emphasis on another person’s gender, they are what is sometimes referred to as “gender blind”. For this reason, they are attracted to people of all genders.

Polysexual individuals, on the other hand, are usually aware of others’ gender. They may be attracted to more than one or two genders, but they are still aware of genders, and there are some genders that they are exclusively not attracted to.

Some people confuse polysexual with bisexual. These concepts may be similar, but they have their differences. Usually, bisexuality is defined as being attracted to your gender as well as being attracted to other genders.

Polysexuality is sometimes used as an umbrella term to categorize other sexualities. For example, it is sometimes thought that bisexuality and pansexuality are subcategories of polysexuality.

Is polysexual the same as pansexual?

No, polysexual and pansexual are different things. However, pansexuality does fall under the category of being a type of polysexuality. There are different subcategories of polysexuality — pansexual is one of them. Some other examples of polysexuality include bisexual and omnisexual. Think of polysexual as an umbrella term under which other concepts can fall.

Polysexual and polyamory differences

Sometimes the concept of polysexuality is confused with polyamory; however, these are not the same thing. Polysexuality means being attracted to multiple genders. Being in a polyamorous relationship means being romantically involved with more than one person while all parties are aware.

Just because a person identifies as being polysexual, does not inherently mean that they prefer a polyamorous relationship. Polysexual people may still prefer to be in a monogamous relationship or, they may not.

Is polyromantic a thing?

Polyromantic is another term that is commonly used alongside polysexual. Polyromantic is very similar to polysexual in that it involves being attracted to more than two genders. The difference is that polychromatic relates specifically to romantic attraction, which is usually more emotional and requires forming a deeper connection. In addition, polysexual people are sexually or romantically attracted to multiple genders, so a polysexual person could also identify as polychromatic.

Polysexuality and relationships

Being polysexual shouldn’t influence a relationship or dating life as long as the partner is comfortable with the other’s sexual identification. People often confuse polysexuality with polyamory, but just because someone is attracted to multiple genders doesn’t mean they’ll want to date more than one person at once.

People with unique sexual identifications like polysexual might deal with others assuming that they are gay or straight, which can be uncomfortable. It is best not to make assumptions about another person’s sexuality just based on the gender of the person that they are dating. For example, a polysexual man may be dating a woman then that same man may date a man. You should never make assumptions about another person’s sexual identity, especially based on the gender of the person they are dating.

Distinguishing between all identities

It is easy to get confused with all of the different terms that exist today in relation to sexuality. Polysexuality, bisexuality, pansexuality, pomosexuality, and polyamory are all examples. Here are definitions to help distinguish the differences:

Sexual identity	Definition
Polysexual	Sexually or romantically attracted to more than one gender
Pansexual	Sexually or romantically attracted to people regardless of their sex or gender
Bisexual	Sexually or romantically attracted to both men and women
Pomosexual	Chooses not to fit into any sexual orientation label, including homosexual, bisexual, or heterosexual
Polyamory	Sexually or romantically involved in multiple romantic relationships while all parties are aware

How to tell which term fits your identity

There is no clear-cut way to figure out exactly what your sexual identity is. The best way to figure out your sexual identity is to live your life, and at some point, you will figure out which term best fits your experience. There is absolutely nothing wrong with changing your identity if you figure out that there is a different term that better fits your sexual identity.

It is helpful to understand the different types of sexual identities in our society today to understand better what identity might fit best with your personal experience. Sexual identity is a very nuanced concept that is ever-evolving, so it is best not to make assumptions about the sexual identities of others.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

January 7, 2023January 6, 2023

Staying Healthy While Staying Open

— The Polyamory Dilemma

By Jenna Fletcher

Angie Ebba, 42, of Portland, OR, has two local girlfriends, one long-distance partner, and a platonic life partner.

Ebba is polyamorous, having multiple intimate romantic relationships at the same time. Her partners know about each other and have consented to the arrangement, she says.

Polyamory is becoming more common in the United States. In 2021, one in nine Americans said they’d been in polyamorous relationships, and one in six said they wanted to try it, according to a study by researchers at the Kinsey Institute.

While a high level of transparency is required to make polyamory work, those who practice it don’t always feel comfortable sharing their relationship status with health care professionals. The fear of disclosure is not unfounded. Of the those in the Kinsey study who said they weren’t and had never been interested in polyamory, fewer than 15% said they respect people who engage in the practice.

“I hear all the time from patients who have sexual questions and issues but are uncomfortable talking to their doctors or even other therapists,” says Ian Kerner, PhD, a psychotherapist and sex therapist in New York City. “As polyamorous systems are still on the outskirts of the mainstream, some doctors may have implicit biases or explicit judgments, especially if they are lacking in experience.”

Roadblocks to Care

People who practice polyamory face unique health issues. These include a potentially higher risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) from having multiple sexual partners, and anxiety or depression stemming from managing multiple relationships.

“It is of particular importance in OB/GYN given the risk of STI transmission, and its consequences such as infertility, vaginal discharge, and systemic illness,” says Cheruba Prabakar, MD, the CEO of Lamorinda Gynecology and Surgery in Lafayette, CA. “Disclosing information will allow the provider to think about the patient more holistically.”

Ebba does not tell her doctors about her personal life. She knows other people in these relationships who have felt judged in clinical encounters, and she avoids disclosure unless absolutely necessary.

“Primarily, I don’t let my providers know because I’ve already in the past faced discrimination and awkwardness for being queer; I don’t want that for being poly as well,” she says. “If I can avoid it, I will.

A study from 2019 of 20 people in consensual non-monogamous relationships – which can include polyamory – found most of them reported challenges in addressing their health care needs related to lack of provider knowledge, not enough preventive screenings, and stigmas that impacted their health and trust in the medical system.

“Polyamorous people often have trouble seeking out health care because they fear being judged by their doctor or other clinicians who don’t understand or respect their lifestyle choices,” says Akos Antwi, a psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner and co-owner of Revive Therapeutic Services in Rhode Island and Massachusetts. “They may also be reluctant to share information about their relationships with providers who aren’t familiar with the complexities of polyamory.” Sharon Flicker, PhD, a clinical psychologist and assistant professor of psychology at California State University-Sacramento, says she understands why people are worried about discussing the topic of multiple relationships with their health provider.

“Health care providers’ interactions with patients are often shaped by their mono-normative assumptions, that monogamy is ideal and deviations from that ideal is pathological,” she says. “Non-disclosure presents a barrier to sensitive care that meets the individualized needs of the patient.”

Flicker says health care professionals can seek training to reduce their biases, and to better understand and address the unique needs of people involved in consensually non-monogamous relationships. In addition, offering to answer any questions that a doctor might have after disclosure can open the door to dialogue, according to Prabakar.

“They may be simply embarrassed to ask, as many may not be familiar with” polyamory, Prabakar says.People in polyamorous relationships also can look for affirming language on the websites of health providers, which may mention welcoming patients of all sexual orientations or gender identities. A first appointment can serve as an interview to find out what kind of terms a provider uses when referring to non-monogamy.

Safely Navigating Sexy Time With Multiple Partners

Prabakar says sexual health and safety is at the forefront for her patients in polyamorous relationships because they are engaging with multiple partners.

She recommends anyone who has multiple partners use condoms and dental dams for the prevention of STIs, like herpes and gonorrhea, in addition to receiving regular screening tests for the diseases.

Tikva Wolf, from Asheville, NC, says she’s been in polyamorous relationships for 20 years. She says she has strict boundaries for engaging in new romantic relationships to protect her sexual health: She has sex only with people who know their current STI status, are clear communicators, and use protection.

“If the conversation feels awkward, or they don’t seem to know what they’ve been tested for, I don’t engage in sex with them,” she says. “I don’t start romantic partnerships with people unless they’re on the same page about relationships, and I don’t have casual sex.” Wolf says her actions toward transparency mirror the greater community of people who engage in polyamorous relationships.

Monogamy is the default setting, so there’s a tendency to be more transparent about specific preferences upfront in any relationship that doesn’t quite fit into that standard box,” she says.

Some research backs up Wolf’s hypothesis. A 2015 study in The Journal of Sexual Medicine found that polyamorous people reported more lifetime sexual partners than people in monogamous relationships, but were more likely to report using condoms and be tested for STIs. About one-quarter of monogamous partners reported having sex outside of their primary relationship but not informing their primary partner.

Kerner explains that each partner in a polyamorous relationship may have different ideas about sexual activity; some partners may be interested in casual sex, while others are interested in maintaining steady primary and secondary relationships.

“These systems are always different, and without clear boundaries, honesty, and communication – for example around the use of protection – the potential to contract an STI within the system increases,” and the potential for the polyamorous relationship to not work increases, he says.

Taking Care of Mental Health

Not only does a polyamorous lifestyle require talking about sexual health and romantic boundaries, it demands an openness with feelings as they come up.

“Couples in a polyamorous relationship don’t fully anticipate the emotional response they might have to their partner being with another person,” says David Helfand, PsyD, a therapist in St. Johnsbury, VT, who has worked with many polyamorous couples.

People may have feelings of insecurity or jealousy, which can lead to anxiety in navigating the complexity of multiple relationships.

“The first time your spouse goes on a date with another person, or you hear them in the bedroom with someone else, it can create an intense emotion that you might not know how to process or have been prepared for,” Helfand says.

Seeing a therapist can help with processing emotions raised by dating multiple people. Ebba says she sees a therapist regularly, in part for help setting boundaries on how much time to spend with different partners. “Poly relationships can be great because you have more support people in your life,” she says. “But you’re also giving more of your time and energy away too.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

— And can it actually work?

What is DADT and how does it work?

Can Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policies really function in a healthy way?

What are the downsides of DADT arrangements?

If you and your partner want a DADT agreement, here are 3 ways to make it work

Have a crystal clear agreement

Consider *why* you want this

Be willing to renegotiate

— And why is it so problematic?

Having the power to ‘veto’ your partner’s other partners can have some seriously messy outcomes.

What is ‘veto power’ in the CNM world?

Why would a couple choose to have ‘veto power’ within their relationship structure?

The positives of ‘veto power’

The drawbacks of ‘veto power’

What to do if your partner asks for ‘veto-power’

1. The “Are We Ready To Do This” Conversation

2. The Regular “Check-In”

Conclusion

— Forget dinner and a movie: Let’s see if we can gaze into each other’s eyes for three minutes instead.

— The Rules

“Someone in one of these agreements, for example, might say things like, ‘I don’t care if my partner has sex with someone, but I don’t want to know anything about it.’” —Rachel Wright, LMFT, psychotherapist

Is DADT a form of non-monogamy?

No, DADT relationships aren’t (usually) just lying in disguise

The potential downsides of DADT

A “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” relationship can work—here’s how to tell if it’s for you

1. Reflect, reflect, reflect

2. Think about your communication skills

3. Negotiate for success

4. Work with a couples therapist or polyamory coach

5. Research other forms of non-monogamy

— What to know about these often misunderstood relationships

Misconceptions and stigma

Exploring non-monogamy

— When it comes to affairs of the heart, we are all beginners. Some of us, however, at least speak with authority. Introducing Shon Faye, author of The Transgender Issue (2021) and the forthcoming Love in Exile (2025), whose advice caught our eye.

— Here’s Where To Start

Broach the topic in a safe, comfortable space

Make sure both parties are properly on board

Outline the terms of your agreement

Prioritize your sexual health

Check in with one another regularly

Give yourselves an exit strategy

— New York Magazine’s “Sex Diaries” series asks anonymous city dwellers to record a week in their sex lives — with comic, tragic, often sexy, and always revealing results. The column, which began in 2007, is the basis of a new docuseries on HBO.

— Here’s How I Handle the Fear and Jealousy That Can Come With Non-Monogamy

Mainstream society tends to reinforce a primarily monogamous relationship structure and offers little guidance on anything outside of it, much less the nuanced feelings that non-monogamy can spark.

5 tips to manage fear and jealousy when embracing non-monogamy with a partner

1. Discuss both the upsides of non-monogamy and of your individual relationship

2. Define how you’ll each continue to be included in each other’s pleasure

3. Use self-reflection to examine the true source of your fears around non-monogamy

Many of our perceptions of threat in relationships aren’t rooted in actual danger so much as they are in societal conditioning around monogamy.

4. Take small steps toward non-monogamy

5. Remember that *you* are always your primary partner

The structure of your relationship has less to do with the success of it than the quality of the relationship itself.

— It’s possible but not easy, experts say.

What should you consider if ethical nonmonogamy is on your mind?

— How Are They Different?

Polysexual and pansexual are sometimes used interchangeably, but these terms do not mean the same thing. Although similar, polysexual is different from pansexual. Here we explain how and why they differ.

Polysexual vs pansexual explained

Is polysexual the same as pansexual?

Polysexual and polyamory differences

Is polyromantic a thing?

Polysexuality and relationships

Distinguishing between all identities

How to tell which term fits your identity

— The Polyamory Dilemma

Roadblocks to Care

Safely Navigating Sexy Time With Multiple Partners

Taking Care of Mental Health

**Consider why you want this**

“Someone in one of these agreements, for example, might say things like, ‘I don’t care if my partner has sex with someone, but I don’t want to know anything about it.’”
—Rachel Wright, LMFT, psychotherapist

5. Remember that you are always your primary partner