What Exactly Is Vanilla Sex?

— Sex Experts Share Their Takes And Debunk The Biggest Myths

“Vanilla is a delicious flavor.”

By Sabrina Talbert

When you hear the words “vanilla sex,” what do you think? What kinds of adjectives come to mind? If you’re like many people, you might have a generalized or inaccurate perception of what vanilla looks like: Some people assume it’s uninteresting, boring, or only practiced by people of certain age groups, but that’s far from the truth. No matter what social media or TV shows have taught you about vanilla sex, the term actually has a straightforward, useful meaning—and no, it’s not meant to shame people who aren’t particularly kinky.

The word “vanilla” is used in the kink community as a way to distinguish stereotypical sex from kinky, fetishistic, or BDSM environments, says Sarah Melancon, PhD, a sociologist, sexologist, and sexuality and relationships expert for SexToyCollective.com. Having this term is important because it helps differentiate what sex looks like to different people, she explains.

“People [who practice vanilla sex] don’t really call it vanilla sex, they’re calling it sex. They don’t need to designate it, because it’s just what sex is to them,” says Melancon. And, BTW, there’s nothing wrong with that. There are even a few benefits to vanilla sex, but more on that in a moment.

Ahead, experts share insight on what it really means to be vanilla, its benefits, and common misconceptions about this kind of sex.

Meet the Experts:
Sarah Melancon, PhD, is a sociologist, sexologist, and sexuality and relationships expert for SexToyCollective.com.

Gigi Engle is a sex and intimacy expert for 3Fun.

Gloria Brame, PhD, is a sex therapist, board-certified sexologist, and author of Different Loving Too: Real People, Real Lives, Real BDSM.

The definition of vanilla sex can be subjective, but broadly speaking, it’s anything that falls under the umbrella of “normative” sex. “Some people define it as just PIV [penis-in-vagina] intercourse, but most people would expand that to include oral sex as well,” says Gigi Engle, a sex and intimacy expert for 3Fun. “It’s your standard sex, essentially.”

Why “vanilla,” though? ” Etymologists have struggled with its origin, but despite the wrangling, most sex historians agree that the kink world circa 1970s gets the credit for using ‘vanilla’ to refer to conventional sex,” says Gloria Brame, PhD, a sex therapist, board-certified sexologist, and author of Different Loving Too: Real People, Real Lives, Real BDSM.

In the ’70s, flavors like vanilla were used because it was an easy way of explaining how everyone likes different things—not just in the bedroom, but in life. Using a food with many variations, such as ice cream, was easier for people to understand. “By the 1980s,” adds Brame, “the term took hold throughout the rapidly-growing BDSM communities and finally reached mainstream usage.” (The more you know!)

These days, “vanilla” can also refer to what someone may or may not like in the bedroom. “[It’s] sex that isn’t kinky. So if you say you have vanilla sex, what you’re saying is ‘I’m not into kink,’ and there’s nothing wrong with that,” says Engle.

What are some misconceptions about vanilla sex?

Unfortunately, there’s a lot of unnecessary judgement surrounding the idea of vanilla sex, which can result in shame. “People will be embarrassed that they’re vanilla or they’ll say it as if it’s a bad thing,” says Engle. “But vanilla is a delicious flavor! It’s fine if that’s what you want to be.”

Below are some of the most common misconceptions, debunked.

  • It’s boring. Can sex be boring? Absolutely, but the fact that it’s vanilla isn’t what makes it that way. “Any sex that you have repeatedly can become boring. As humans, we crave novelty… changing up the routine is helpful for that,” says Engle. In short, you don’t have to engage in wild, risky, or explosive sex to have a great sex life. You can do something as simple as trying out a new position, bringing in a toy, or even switching up where you have sex.
  • It’s less evolved. Some people feel like vanilla sex is barely scraping the surface of any kind of sex at all. This idea can also stem from the judgment of others, even if the person having vanilla sex is satisfied. “For some people, it is the end point. For others, [vanilla sex] is part of an evolutionary process,” says Melancon. But whether or not vanilla is one of your go-to flavors, “it’s no less evolved than anything else,” she adds.
  • It’s not for queer people. Because of stereotypes around queer sex and the misconception that vanilla sex is just PIV intercourse, many people assume that queer couples don’t engage in vanilla sex. But because vanilla sex is just non-kinky, it’s possible to be queer and prefer vanilla sex, says Engle. “A lot of queer people have basic, queer sex, and it might not even be inclusive of sex toys,” she explains.
  • It’s not pleasurable. Because a lot of people define vanilla sex as straightforward PIV intercourse, there’s a misconception that, within cis-heterosexual dynamics, vanilla sex is less pleasurable for women. But in fact, women are more likely to orgasm during sex when they receive oral, try new sex positions, and engage in deep kissing, according to a 2017 study from Archives of Sexual Behavior—all of which can be incorporated into vanilla sex (and often are).On the flip side, there’s also a widespread idea that men don’t find vanilla sex enjoyable since it might not live up to the performative standards set in porn. This isn’t true: In fact, a lot of the sex highlighted in porn could still be considered vanilla, notes Engle. “Vanilla sex doesn’t always mean passionate and loving. It can still be rough sex and be considered vanilla,” she says.

Ultimately, people of all genders can enjoy and get off from vanilla sex. “Good sex is subjective,” Engle says. “It really depends on the people who are having it and the things they like to do.”

What are the benefits of vanilla sex?

No matter what kind of sex you’re having, the most important thing is that it’s enjoyable. But, if you haven’t had a lot of vanilla sex, there are some possible benefits to giving it a try.

Just the simplicity of engaging in vanilla sex can be an approach to mindfulness in the bedroom, Melancon says. “It’s just you enjoying your ability to feel sexual sensations and enjoying an experience. So I think it can be really intimate,” she adds. “It can help us be more present and feel a different level of connection.”

It may allow people to engage their senses more, says Melancon. For example, you may be able to zone in on the sound of your partner breathing, the scent of their body, or the taste of their mouth.

If you prefer to engage in kinkier sex (which, no shame!), having some vanilla experiences can still help your sex life. “Couples who are very into kink sometimes don’t have time for everything, so it can be beneficial to keep your sexual relationship alive to also have vanilla sex involved,” says Engle. This may also be the case for those with kids or busy lifestyles.

What if my partner and I aren’t on the same page about vanilla sex?

So, one of you prefers vanilla sex and the other is kinkier—while it might seem daunting to address these differences, this is where compromise comes into play. To start, know that sexual compatibility is important. And while people are often told to stick things out when there’s an incompatibility, it’s not something you have to tolerate long-term. “Not being on the same page [sexually] is a legitimate reason to end a relationship,” says Engle. “It’s totally okay to end a relationship if it comes to that, and you can’t find a compromise.”

The good news, though, is that it’s possible to compromise in a way that leaves all parties happy and satisfied, according to Engle and Melancon. As long as there’s a good degree of overlap in sexual interests and kinks, successful compromise is possible, says Melancon. Being honest with yourself about what you do and don’t like will also help you communicate your sexual desires and boundaries better with your partner.

If you’re not sure how to explore your interests outside of the bedroom with your partner, Engle suggests finding a “yes, no, maybe” list online and taking time to go through what might be on or off the table.

You should also be mindful of when and how you bring up sexual incompatibilities with your partner. “It’s all about timing, tone, and turf,” says Engle. “You want to make sure you’re in a neutral place—not in the bedroom, not in the middle of the work day. Set time aside, sit down in the living room where it’s neutral, and come to the conversation with a really open mind.”

When it’s time to start the conversation, Engle notes that getting your partner’s consent is essential. This can sound like, for example, “Hey babe, sex is important to me and our relationship, and I really want to explore this with you. Are you in a place where you’d be open to having that conversation?” From there, you can exchange interests and work on a compromise together.

So, is there anything wrong with vanilla sex?

No, there is absolutely nothing wrong with vanilla sex. Vanilla sex can be just as rich, intimate, pleasurable, and fulfilling as any other sex. Whether you’re into kink or vanilla, it’s all of equal value, so long as consent and respect are part of the foundation.

“[In a] sex-positive world, we want to be so accepting of everyone. But in the process of that, it can make normative sex look boring or uninteresting,” says Melancon. “There are [many] ‘flavors,’ so to speak… It doesn’t mean that anyone is less than.”

Complete Article HERE!

What Is Postcoital Dysphoria?

Here’s what you need to know about the after-sex blues.

BY

Sometimes the best part of sex is after sex, when you get to lie around in a postcoital haze (after you pee for UTI-prevention purposes, obviously) and soak up all the just-got-laid vibes—unless sex leaves you feeling absolutely miserable, that is. Have you ever felt random sadness, irritability, or anxiety after an otherwise pleasant sexperience? Maybe the sex was good and you felt fine at first, but then afterward you noticed an overwhelming change in mood. Then, before you knew it, your emotions fully took over to the point where you started crying or froze up completely.

If any of this sounds familiar, then you may have experienced postcoital dysphoria, commonly referred to as “post-sex blues.” And don’t worry babe, you’re very much not alone.

Postcoital dysphoria (sometimes abbreviated PCD) is relatively common, and while we gals may have the monopoly on crying both in and out of bed, it’s not nearly as gender-specific as you might think. According to a 2015 study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 46 percent of the 233 female students surveyed experienced PCD at least once, and a 2019 study found that 41 percent of male students surveyed had experienced it at some point in their lifetime.

“Postcoital dysphoria is when a person experiences feelings of sadness, depression, anxiety or agitation after consensual sex—even if that sex was loving, satisfying, or enjoyable,” says Wendasha Jenkins Hall, PhD, aka the Sensible Sexpert.

It can obviously be pretty disorienting and/or downright scary to get hit with a sudden wave of negative feelings out of nowhere, especially after you’ve just enjoyed a trip to bonetown and would much rather be cuddling with your partner in a state of post-orgasmic bliss. Luckily, if you are someone who experiences the post-sex blues, there are ways to deal. Here’s everything you need to know about postcoital dysphoria, including why it happens and how to keep it from killing your post-sex vibe.

What causes postcoital dysphoria?

Research on what causes postcoital dysphoria is somewhat limited, and it’s not exactly a condition where one size (or reason, rather) fits all. That said, experts do have a few theories on what causes the post-sex blues.

For some, postcoital dysphoria may be linked to other mental health conditions, including anxiety and depression, says Hall, adding that hormonal shifts, particularly after pregnancy, might also be a contributing factor. “The hormonal fluctuations that a pregnant person may experience postpartum or postnatal may cause these feelings of postcoital dysphoria,” she says.

According to Hall, it’s also thought that a history of abuse, “especially childhood sexual abuse,” might be related to some people’s experience of PCD.

“Another reason may be resentment,” she adds. “If a person has a history of emotional, psychological or physical abuse, then they may be more resentful about sex or sexual experiences, especially if they feel they don’t have complete control over these experiences.”

Whatever might be causing your own experience of postcoital dysphoria will depend on your own individual circumstances, obvs. It might be something you can figure out with a therapist, or you might literally just not know what exactly is behind your post-sex blues. Fortunately, no matter what’s causing it, there are ways to cope with PCD when it happens.

What are some techniques to cope with postcoital dysphoria?

An attack of bad vibes after sex can feel random and all consuming, but self-care practices like breathing exercises and meditation might help you deal if you find yourself experiencing negative feelings post-sex.

“I can’t emphasize enough the importance of breath work for any somatic condition such as postcoital dysphoria,” says James Humecky, somatic educator and certified surrogate partner therapist. “Breath brings us back to our bodies. Breath brings awareness. Awareness brings relief.”

If you feel the blues coming on after sex, Humecky suggests following these steps:

  1. Connect to your body by getting comfortable and distraction-free.
  2. Practice diaphragmatic breathing (five seconds inhale, five seconds exhale).
  3. Pay attention to what’s happening within your body at that moment.
  4. Recognize what kind of sensations you’re feeling.
  5. Ask yourself what you need at that exact moment.

Humecky also encourages letting yourself get curious about sensations. Are there any images or colors you can associate with what’s happening on the inside? What adjectives could you use to describe your feelings?

“By welcoming the sensation in, we break the cycle of fear and confusion that surrounds it,” he continues.

Hall adds that self-management techniques for PCD may also look like drawing, taking a warm bath, having your partner bring you your favorite food, or just giving yourself space to clear your head.

How to talk about postcoital dysphoria with your partner

It’s only natural to shut down when you’re dealing with something as difficult and confusing as postcoital dysphoria, but it’s super important to know that you don’t have to go through it alone. Opening up to your partner about what you’re experiencing can actually be extremely helpful in beating the post-sex blues.

“Partnership will yield the most satisfactory and long-lasting results,” Humecky says, adding that while some people may worry their partner will take their PCD personally, honest communication is crucial. Opening up to your partner about what you’re going through is a chance to get closer, and to help you both better understand the (occasionally confusing!) connection between the mind and the body during sex.

Hall recommends explaining to your partner that it isn’t necessarily the sex itself that is causing anxiety, sadness, and depression. It’s possible to genuinely feel pleasured and physically satisfied during sex, yet notice a sudden influx of distressing emotions after sex, all of which may not have anything to do with your relationship or the quality of the sex you’re having.

When to seek professional help

Self-care, post-sex rituals, and self-management techniques can be helpful, but there are times when even those methods aren’t enough. If you find that PCD cannot be managed with deep breathing, meditation, and other self-care practices, or if it’s harming the overall quality of your relationship, then it could be time to seek help from a professional.

“It is important to see a therapist, mental health specialist, or counselor, as what is causing the postcoital dysphoria can be deep-rooted issues, from sexual trauma to general stress and anxiety,” says Hall. “When seeing a counselor, it should not necessarily be about the sex. It should be about the feelings that one is having after sex.”

As with any mental health journey, it’s important not to hold yourself to any specific timeline when navigating PCD, whether you’re doing it on your own or with the help of a professional. It may take a long time to get to the root of your feelings and figure out how to manage them, and that’s okay.

Feeling sad for no reason is obviously not a vibe, especially after sex. But working through postcoital dysphoria is an opportunity to learn more about yourself, and to better understand the (sometimes annoyingly!) complex relationship between your mind, body, and ~feels~. If you’re dealing with a case of the post-sex blues, know that you’re not alone, it is manageable, and you don’t have to let this random attack of bad vibes ruin your sex life. With a little self-care and/or professional help, you can get back to laying around in your regularly scheduled post-sex bliss, promise.

Complete Article HERE!

Queer people have mastered sexual friendships

— and it’s time you straights caught on

Allow me to impart some wisdom upon the cishet masses.

By Ian Kumamoto

I’ve slept with most of my friends. I mean that literally — I’ve shared a bed and cuddled with nearly all of them. I know who likes to be a little spoon and who prefers to be a big spoon; I also know how loud each of them snores. On top of that, I’ve made out with a good chunk of them, given oil massages to some and had full-on sex with others. To me and many other queer people, this shit is normal. Physical, sometimes erotic, touch, is an integral part of many of our friendships. From what I gather, sexual friendships still pretty uncommon outside of the LGBTQ community — what’s this all about?

To be fair, for straight identifying people, there’s an entire culture built around an obsession with sex and what it means to have it. Non-queers seem terrified of being “friend-zoned,” which is lackluster way of saying that someone they think owes them sex doesn’t want to sleep with them. I want to avoid broadly generalizing — especially since gay men are stereotyped as sex-crazed and outlandishly promiscuous — but these constructs that I describe are very real. When my straight friends have sex with each other, I am always sure of one thing: They either feel like they have to end the friendship or they decide to get into a long-term monogamous situation. But what if neither of those options serve them?

Whenever I see these friends face this dilemma, I want to scream into the void. It doesn’t need to be this way. By thinking that they need to choose between cutting off a friendship or ascribing more meaning to it purely because there’s sex involved, they’re robbing themselves of all the glorious nuance that can exist in a physically intimate friendship.

I’m just going to say it: Queer people are better at navigating sexual grey areas. Could non-queers learn a thing or two about friendship from us? I asked some experts to help me dole out some sage advice on fostering a sexual friendship without all the drama. Here are a couple of things to keep in mind.

Sex doesn’t have to be the defining factor of your relationships

Mainstream American culture has taught us that physical intimacy outside of our family has to be sexual. Something as simple as kissing a friend will get most Americans flustered, where in many cultures around the world, kissing on the cheek or even holding hands is devoid of sexual meaning. Not here, where we draw the line at chest bumps and where “no homo” became the mantra of a generation.

Queer Americans, broadly speaking, have been able to free ourselves of those constraints. “The queer community formed as a community precisely because they were prohibited from touching each other. They came together to touch each other,” Thomas Roach, a professor of philosophy and cultural studies at Bryant University and author of “Friendship as a Way of Life,” tells me. In the U.S., queerness was criminalized for a long time and many queer people still experience rejection from their families.

For that reason, friendships became a primary source of physical touch as well as a means of survival. Sex still matters, obviously, but it’s peripheral to the strong emotional bonds we have to forge with others in our community. “One salient aspect of queer friendship is that sex is not necessarily the fulcrum around which a relationship turns. Sex is not necessarily the make or break of a queer friendship, nor is it the great definitional divider of friend versus lover,” Roach tells me. “Friendship is formless, amoeba-like, and can be invented from A to Z. Unlike romantic relationships and marriage — which are overburdened with cis-hetero courtship rituals and scripts — friendship is ours to create. And queers have been incredibly innovative in this regard!”

When we let go of the idea that friendships are inferior to romantic and monogamous relationships, we can start to expand the possibilities of what we want our friendships to look like. Sometimes, that can involve sex.

I found a great amount of truth in Roach’s observations: My most intimate and freeing relationships are with queer friends and the same time, none of them are strictly defined by sex (or the lack thereof). If I do have sex with a friend, it’s almost a way of showing them how much I love them as a friend. I realize that this is completely counterintuitive to how most heterosexual people are taught to navigate the world, but in the absence of scripts, my most authentic emotions have been able to thrive.

Strong friendships come from a shared understanding of the world

Roach also points out that recent history has proven the importance of queer friendships. From Stonewall, to the AIDS crisis to the Pulse nightclub shooting, queer people are constantly reminded that we are not beloved by all. This feeling of shared estrangement creates a foundation for deeper connection and might explain another phenomenon among us: we are generally much better at staying friends with our exes. That’s because we’re also more likely to have shared identity-affirming experiences outside of the romantic relationship itself — maybe our former partner took us to our first gay club or they taught us how to have safer sex.

The future of friendships looks pretty queer

Thinking about the intimacy of queer friendships also got me thinking about the future of friendships in general. As queerness becomes less stigmatized and the need for LGBTQ-specific spaces disappear, will queer friendships lose thier spark and start to resemble heterosexual ones? Will we even have anything to bond over down the line, once we have all our rights?

Maybe, or maybe not. But I doubt that we’ll have to grapple with this question in our lifetime. “As much as queerness has become more mainstream, there is so much anti-trans legislation circulating at this moment in time,” Ariella Serur, a queer dating coach, tells me. “There is still an epidemic of violence against trans folks, particularly trans women of color, so non-stigmatization still feels far away for the LGBTQIA+ community as a whole.” She’s right.

As long as there are attacks against anyone in our community, friendship is likely to remain the foundation of our culture. Instead of thinking about the heterosexualiztion of queer friendships, a more likely outcome, I hope, is that there will be a queering of heterosexual friendships. A staggering 15% of Gen-Z identifies as LGBTQ, more than any generation before it. I can’t help but feel that more people are realizing the limitations of a label as reductive as “straight” and looking for a way out.

Queerness frees us up to express ourselves in infinite ways. It also allows us to see physical touch as a means, rather than an end. “If there’s anything to celebrate about the modern LGBTQ community, and if queer culture has anything significant to contribute to the long history of intimacy rites and rituals, it’s an inventive ethics of queer intimacy,” Roach tells me. “It’s an ethic that can yield great pleasure and deep love.”

Complete Article HERE!

How your brain changes when you fall in love

And 4 health benefits

Falling in love sometimes comes with an increased heart rate and feelings of craving your significant other.

By

  • Falling in love causes a rush of dopamine and norepinephrine, which make you feel giddy and happy.
  • In a long-term relationship, your brain releases oxytocin and vasopressin, which drive pair-bonding.
  • Love can have health benefits like boosting immunity, dulling pain, and helping you live longer.

When you first fall in love with someone, life feels a little different. You may feel overwhelming euphoria when you’re with the person you love — and you may crave them desperately when they’re not around.

These feelings happen because your brain is behaving differently. Falling in love sparks a rush of good-feeling chemicals that make you feel like you’re on top of the world. As time goes on, these feelings evolve. Butterflies and euphoria may fade away, while the urge to bond and stay together may grow — but why is that?

Here’s how love affects your brain — both in the beginning and long term.

The honeymoon stage

The honeymoon stage typically refers to the first few months of a relationship, but how long it lasts will vary for every couple. During this stage, your brain releases a flood of dopamine and norepinephrine — two neurotransmitters responsible for that giddy, euphoric feeling you get.

  • Dopamine is involved in your brain’s reward system — and the “reward” it makes you crave is the company of the person you love. This explains why you can’t stop thinking about your lover and can’t wait to see them again. The behavior is similar to an addiction. In fact, the same regions in the brain light up when you’re attracted to someone as when a drug addict takes cocaine.
  • Norepinephrine increases your heart rate, keeps you up at night thinking about the person you love, and makes you preoccupied with your partner.

Falling in love can also lower serotonin levels. Lowered serotonin levels are common in people with obsessive-compulsive disorders. This may contribute to why you may feel almost obsessed with your partner — and why you can’t stop thinking about them no matter how hard you try.

Long-term love

When you’re with someone you love for a long time, your brain chemistry tends to change. Instead of dopamine and norepinephrine, your brain releases the neurotransmitters oxytocin and vasopressin.

This is when you may feel the rush of euphoria from the honeymoon stage transform into a calmer state of attachment and companionship, says Sandra Langeslag, PhD, associate professor of behavioral neuroscience at  University of Missouri, St. Louis who specializes in the neurocognition of romantic love.

Oxytocin and vasopressin both drive attachment and pair-bonding, which makes you feel attached to the person you love. These chemicals also contribute to your desire to protect and care for your partner, says Langeslag.

In fact, oxytocin is nicknamed the “cuddle hormone” and it is released during skin-to-skin contact activities like:

  • Breastfeeding
  • Sex
  • Childbirth

The benefits of love

Aside from the fact that love simply feels great, there are some scientifically-proven benefits of it, such as:

1. Love may make you live longer

A 2015 meta-analysis involving 72,000 adults found that those who reported high marital quality (meaning high relationship satisfaction and positive feelings towards their partner) were linked to overall better health and lower risk of mortality.

Additionally, a 2020 study of over 164,000 senior citizens found that those who were married had slightly longer life expectancies than those who weren’t.

2. Love may boost your immune system

A 2019 study found that falling in love can have a positive effect on your immune system. In the two-year-long study, participants who fell in love experienced increased activity of certain immunity genes, whereas participants who didn’t fall in love during the study did not.

This means that participants in love may have a stronger defense against infection, however, more research is needed to understand how many sick days falling in love may save you per year.

3. Love may make you feel less pain

A small 2010 study found that people in the early stages of a romantic relationship may experience pain management benefits, which may be due to the fact that activation of the brain’s reward-processing regions can reduce pain. In the study, participants were exposed to moderate to high thermal pain.

Those who were in a new romantic relationship and looked at photos of their partner experienced greater pain relief than those who looked at photos of a familiar acquaintance or participated in a distraction task.

While this study did take place in a controlled setting, it suggests that love can serve as at least a mild analgesic when pain inevitably crops up in life.

4. Love may be good for your heart

A 2013 study found that married people ages 35 to 64 were less likely to have a heart attack than those in the same age bracket who weren’t married. Additionally, a 2019 study found that having a romantic partner present, or even just thinking about a romantic partner, can lower blood pressure when exposed to a stressor.

Insider’s takeaway

Love may feel like it’s all in your heart, but in reality, it comes down to changes happening in your brain. As your relationship evolves, your brain activity will change accordingly.

So, we can thank our brain and neurotransmitters such as dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin for the amazing feelings that we get when we’re in love and in a bonded relationship with someone –– and of course, all the benefits that come along with that.

Complete Article HERE!

Women who have casual sex are still harshly judged

— here’s why

By Jaimie Arona Krems and Michael Varnum

F. Scott Fitzgerald famously called the Roaring Twenties — which happened on the heels of the 1918 flu pandemic —the most expensive orgy in history.” Now, as more and more Americans are vaccinated, some are saying all the sexual energy pent up over the past year will be unleashed, with Yale sociologist Nicholas Christakis predicting a summer marked by a surge in “sexual licentiousness.”

Women, however, might face backlash for exploring their post-vaccination sexuality. In a new study, we found that women — but not men — continue to be perceived negatively for having casual sex.

This stereotype persists even as casual sex has become increasingly normalized and gender equality has risen in the U.S. and much of the Western world.

Specifically, both men and women assume that a woman who has casual sex must have low self-esteem. But that perception isn’t based in reality. So what might be driving this unfounded stereotype?

A belief held across religious and political divides

Although the idea that women’s sexual behavior is linked to their self-esteem is a common trope in film, television and even some relationship advice sites, we documented just how entrenched this stereotype is across six experiments published in Psychological Science.

In one experiment, we asked Americans to estimate the correlation between people’s sexual behavior and their self-esteem. We described those people as being a man, woman or simply as “a person,” without providing any information about their gender. We then described that man, woman or person as having a lot of casual sex, portrayed them as being a serial monogamist or provided no information about their sexual behavior.

We found that Americans tended to associate monogamy with high self-esteem, especially for women. More striking, they associated casual sex with low self-esteem — but only for women.

This belief was surprisingly widespread, and across our studies we found that both men and women hold it. We wondered: Was this stereotype the product of sexist beliefs? Could it be due to participants’ political ideology or their religion?

But time and again, we saw that this stereotype transcended a number of markers, including the extent to which someone held sexist beliefs, their political views and their religiosity.

What if a woman says she wants casual sex?

However, people might believe that women don’t want casual sex in the first place. For example, people might assume that women have causal sex only because they’re trying and failing to attract a long-term relationship. In fact, such beliefs do seem to influence the stereotype about women’s self-esteem.

Specifically, the more that Americans believed that women don’t actually want casual sex, the more these Americans tended to associate women’s casual sex with low self-worth.

This finding inspired another experiment. We wondered what would happen if we told participants that a woman was actually perfectly happy with her casual sexual lifestyle. Might that change their beliefs?

But even this factor didn’t seem to stop the stereotyping. Participants still saw these women as having low self-esteem. And they even perceived a woman described as having monogamous sex — but who was deeply dissatisfied with her monogamous sex life — as having higher self-esteem.

Here’s the kicker: Among our participants — the same ones who showed this stereotyping — we found virtually no association between their self-esteem and their own sexual behavior.

These findings are similar to those of psychologist David Schmitt, who conducted a survey of more than 16,000 participants drawn from all over the world, and also found little association between self-esteem and casual sex. And in our study, it was actually the men who reported having more casual sex who also tended to have slightly lower self-esteem.

Do our Stone Age brains play a role?

So why do people hold this negative assumption about women who have casual sex — especially if it doesn’t hold water? The short answer is that we currently do not know, and associations between sex and self-esteem in the real world are complex.

Some people might wonder if the media is to blame. It’s true that women who have casual sex are sometimes portrayed as being somehow deficient. But this doesn’t tell the whole story. Even if popular media perpetuates this stereotype, it still doesn’t explain why people would feel compelled to portray women this way in the first place.

Another possible explanation is that the stereotype extends from reproductive biology, in which men have historically had more to gain from casual sex than women, who — since they risk getting pregnant — often have to bear greater costs, on average, than men.

Yet today, newer technologies — like birth control and safe, legal abortion — allow women to have casual sex without being forced to bear some of those unwanted costs. Perhaps, then, our Stone Age brains have simply not yet caught up.

Whatever the origin of this stereotype, it’s likely to foster prejudice and discrimination today. For example, people perceived to have low self-esteem are less likely to be asked out on dates or elected to political office.

This stereotype might also have led to seemingly well-intentioned – but ultimately misguided — advice directed toward girls and women about their sexual behavior. There is a cottage industry built around telling women what sort of sex not to have. (Searching for books on “friendship advice” on Amazon yields fewer than 40 results, but searching for “dating advice” returned over 2,000.)

In Western society, women are rarely disparaged for breaking glass ceilings to become leaders, professors, CEOs and astronauts.

So why do they continue to be denigrated as they become increasingly open and willing to go to bed with others at their own whim, of their own accord?

Complete Article HERE!

Sex Flush

— How to Embrace Your Body’s Natural Arousal Glow

by Gabrielle Smith

Remember mood rings? Sex flush is kind of like that. Except it’s your body changing color because of a very specific mood: Arousal.

Sex flush is a normal part of the arousal cycle. It can happen during solo or partnered sexy times to all genders. There’s no need to feel shy about it. In fact, it can be quite hot! What’s better than being so attracted to your partner(s) that the warm and fuzzies show up on the outside?

Here’s the full scoop on nature’s rosiest reaction.

Usually, sex flush becomes noticeable when skin reddens or becomes more pigmented as you get aroused. In some, this change in color appears in blotches, and for others, it looks like a full-body, get-down glow.

Sex flush can happen anywhere on your body. But your face, back, and chest are the most common places for it to make an appearance.

Those with a lighter complexion are more likely to experience sex flush, as well as folks who have been diagnosed with rosacea. Sex flush is often less noticeable in those with olive-to-darker skin tones.

It can also be referred to as “sex rash” because, well, it can look like a rash. Don’t worry, though! It usually fades after an hour or so. If your rash is painful and long lasting, though, you should consider visiting a doctor.

You might be too distracted to notice, but we all go through a predictable set of emotional and physical changes when we get turned on. The fancy name for these changes is the sexual response cycle.

The stages of the sexual response cycle don’t exactly have to go in order, and some are completely absent (ahem, I’m looking at you, “orgasm”). Sex flush can happen at any point during this cycle, but it often intensifies during orgasm.

Here’s how the sexual response cycle breaks down.

Phase 1: Desire

You ever watch your partner(s) get dressed in the morning, eyes skimming the curves and contours of their body? Then, suddenly, you’re wondering how bad it would be if they were late to work just this one time…

Welcome to phase one! Desire sets in when you get that little tingle in your nether region, pointing you towards the object of, well, your desire. That could be a partner(s). It can also be your not-so-secret stash of sex toys.

The physical signs of desire are:

  • an accelerating heart rate
  • self-lubricating genitals
  • hardening nipples
  • skin flushes
  • breathing heavily

Phase 2: Arousal

Phase two typically entails the action. It’s also called the “plateau”. Despite the less than scintillating name, here’s when the buildup begins. Phase two typically lasts the longest, especially if you get creative. Arousal leads directly to phase three, the orgasm.

The physical signs of arousal are:

  • the previous phase sustaining or amplifying
  • sex flush
  • muscle spasms in the feet, face, and hands
  • muscle tension increasing
  • vaginal walls swelling and darkening
  • testicles withdrawing further up into the scrotum

Phase 3: Orgasm

Ah yes, the big O. Some say they see stars, some accidentally profess love. This phase is the shortest of the four, typically lasting anywhere from a few to 30 minutes.

The physical signs of orgasm are:

Phase 4: Resolution

And with all crescendos, there must be an ascension. This is when your body begins to return to business as usual. Erect genitals begin to settle, your heart rate goes down, and you’re delightfully fatigued, torn between the need to run to the bathroom and pee or enjoy all of your post-sex bliss.

Absolutely nothing! As mentioned, sex flush goes away in an hour or so. If you’re feeling self-conscious about it, put on a robe, keep the lights dim, or consider taking a shower to cool off.

If your partner(s) points it out (hopefully out of concern, not judgment!) reiterate that it’s totally normal and non-contagious. Actually, they were likely the cause of it!

If you continue feeling insecure about the redness, talk to your partner(s) about it. Getting your feelings out in the open increases understanding, and can bring you closer. Plus, a caring partner(s) will ease your worries.

If you’re experiencing more than just redness of the skin, or any skin discoloration that lasts longer than 2 hours, you might not actually be experiencing sex flush, and it may be time to book an appointment. It’s better to be safe than sorry, after all.

While your mind may naturally leap toward common sex-imposed situations like STIs and pregnancy, you’re not likely to show signs of either of those immediately after sex.

You might be having a negative reaction to lube, sex toys, or latex condoms (or, maybe your partner(s) has a cat, and your body is not happy about it.)

If it is something other than a sex flush, be on the lookout for any concurrent symptoms, such as:

  • irritation
  • hives
  • burning/stinging
  • swelling
  • blisters
  • bleeding
  • unusual discharge
  • fever

Complete Article HERE!

How to seduce a man you’ve been with for a long time

It’s easier than you think!

by

No couple’s sex life stays the same as it was in the early days, but that doesn’t mean it has to fizzle out completely.

Want to spice things up again? It doesn’t have to be hard. The easiest way to seduce a man could be as simple as introducing a sex toy into the bedroom or trying one of the best vibrators to use with your partner.

“Using sex toys can be a great way for a woman to seduce her partner,” says sexual wellness expert Megwyn White, who works with the innovative sex-toy brand Satisfyer. “A toy creates a bridge to new parts of the body. It can also spark a creative connection that allows you both to try out new things.”

But that’s not the only way to seduce a man. There are some other easy tricks to help.

How to seduce a man

“Seduction is about more than pumping out Barry White and wearing stockings – although those things can help,” says Sammi Cole, sex and relationship expert at sexual wellness brand Lovehoney. “To seduce a man, you have to make the thought of sex with you the most appealing thing in the world. And, when you’ve been with someone for a long time, that means reminding them of how much you still desire them. Plus, what it is about you that they fell in love with.”

Want to give it a try? Following these rules could transform you from his significant other to his seductress in seconds.

To seduce a man you need to become a detective

First rule of seduction? In the words of the Spice Girls, you have to know what your partner wants – what they really, really want. Often worry that your partner never opens up enough about how he really feels about things in the bedroom? “Seduction has to do with guiding someone into what they secretly wish they could give themselves,” says Megwyn. “You have to be a bit of a detective to figure out what this is. And then figure out how you can bring their fantasies to life.”

And if your partner is still reluctant to open up? Don’t rush them. When it comes to seducing a man, any type of pressure or pushy behaviour could actually do more harm than good. “It can take patience to seduce someone,” says Megwyn. “Create a space for communication and if what you’re trying doesn’t work, then try it a new way the next time. For instance, you might explore reading erotica together and find something that sparks your interest and decide to play it out.”

Why you need to forget sexy lingerie if you want to seduce a man

When it comes to how to seduce a man, you need to think about awakening all his senses first. “Great sex should be a multisensory experience so awakening all his senses will really help,” says Sammi. “Sure, treat yourself to some lingerie that makes you feel fantastic, but think about all the other senses, too.”

Need some extra inspiration? “You could dab on some new perfume or scented body lotion,” says Sammi. “Plus, go for soft lighting, pick out music that helps to get you both in the mood and swap out your usual bedsheets for something a bit more luxurious. The more senses you can delight, the better!”

Then, when you’ve successfully aroused all his senses so he’s putty in your hands, you need to try taking the stimulus away. “Withholding one of the senses, such as blindfolding a partner so he can’t see, will actually help activate the others,” recommends Megwyn.

Getting out of your comfort zone helps with seduction

Feel like you are stuck in a sex rut? “Being familiar with your partner and their body is both a blessing and a curse,” says Sammi. “It’s sometimes hard to feel like a sex goddess when you’re surrounded by reminders of everyday life, and it’s the same with our partners.” The solution? “Do things outside of your usual comfort zone and do them together,” says Sammi. “Whether it’s as simple as a night away in a different setting, it can be enough to renew the way you see each other.” You could even try just moving sex from the bedroom to the sofa.

And while you are having that one night away? It might be a cliché, but pretending to be something you’re not, such as mysterious strangers, can be a seduction technique worth trying. “Lots of couples find role play an easy way to switch up their sexual routine. It helps you to see each other in different ways and free your inhibitions,” says Sammi. “The great thing about the ‘strangers meeting in a bar’ role-play situation is that it can help to recreate that fizz of excitement from when you first met.” Keen to give it a try? “Determine the story ahead of time and decide how the story will end,” recommends Megwyn.

Talking dirty can really help to seduce a man

“Talking dirty is a great way to spice things up,” says Megwyn. Not sure where to start? Don’t worry, there is an easy trick! Simply think about the way your partner speaks and then copy it. “Consider if there are certain sexy words you’ve heard them say over others,” says Sammi. “Chances are, those are the ones that they’re most comfortable hearing and saying, so that’s a great jumping-off point.”

Feeling timid? Try dirty texting. “Not only does it take away the face-to-face fear, but it gives you time to think about what you want to say or do next,” says Sammi. “You could tell them about an X-rated dream you had about them.”

And while this might sound a bit crazy, if you’re willing to give it a go then naming his genitals can actually help to seduce a man. “Try using a name that your partner prefers their genitals to be called,” says Megwyn. “It allows your partner a sense of ownership over their parts. Plus, it invites you to understand the specific way they want to experience their bodies in the moment.”

Just doing nothing can help with seduction

Not feeling confident in your ability to seduce a man? Don’t worry. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. In fact, not putting on too much pressure can help. “Firstly, relax,” says Sammi. “It’s meant to be you and your partner having fun and, if you’re nervous, you won’t enjoy it as much. Besides, laughter is a great aphrodisiac.

Then, put down your phone. “One of the sexiest things that you can do is make time for each other,” says Sammi. “When was the last time you paid proper attention to each other, without looking at your phones or other background distractions? Put aside some time, be it an hour, an evening or a weekend, and spend it reconnecting. You’d be surprised what a difference it can make.”

Still not feeling confident? Humming can help. “All women are sexy, but not all women are comfortable in their skin,” says Megwyn. Sounds like you? Try using primal sounds to express your sexuality. “Humming or mmm-ing can act as a bridge to you using your own voice to self-stimulate through the resonance field of the body,” says Meg. “These sounds will naturally be felt in your sexual centre and feel exciting.”

Complete Article HERE!

Xs & Os:

Couples Who Regularly Show Physical Affection Have Happier Relationships

by John Anderer

Cuddling, hugging, and touching that doesn’t lead to sex can help build a stronger and happier relationship and marriage, according to a new study conducted at Binghamton University. The research team examined the effect of non-sexual physical intimacy on relationship satisfaction across a variety of attachment styles.

One’s “attachment style” refers to how comfortable a person is regarding both physical and emotional intimacy. Some people crave such affection, while others are more reserved and selective. These tendencies usually develop within a person during their childhood, but they can also change over time as well.

“It all depends on how open, close and secure you feel with that person, which is impacted by many, many factors,” explains study leader Samantha Wagner, a Binghamton University doctoral student in psychology, in a release.

To examine the connection between marital or relationship satisfaction, attachment style, and touch satisfaction, a group of 184 couples were gathered for the study. All participants were over the age of 18, and no same-sex couples were included. People receiving hormone therapy, and pregnant or breastfeeding women, were also excluded due to the study including hormonal sampling.

Each participant was interviewed separately and asked about their attachment style, the usual amount of touching and affection in their relationship, and their overall happiness with the relationship.

Before starting the study, researchers expected to find that avoidant people wouldn’t enjoy being touched and anxious people would like more physical affection. The findings, though, weren’t as cut and dry as expected.

Regardless of attachment styles, the more a couple reported showing physical affection towards one another, the more satisfied they felt with their partner’s touch. Anxious husbands tended to be less satisfied with their wife’s touch if physical affection was infrequent, but the same relationship wasn’t observed in anxious women. This suggests, according to the study’s authors, that women may look for missing affection more naturally.

Higher overall levels of physical intimacy were linked to more relationship satisfaction in men, and low levels of physical intimacy were linked to relationship dissatisfaction in women. It’s subtle, but researchers believe those two findings point to distinct differences in the genders. For men, physical intimacy is a nice extra, but for women it’s a necessity.

“There’s something specific about touch satisfaction that interplays with relationship satisfaction but not dissatisfaction for wives,” Wagner notes.

Additionally, regardless of attachment styles, touch perception was associated with “touch satisfaction.” Essentially, this means more touching is beneficial because it helps partners communicate without actually speaking. All in all, researchers believe their work indicates non-sexual physical affection can help build a strong relationship.

“Interestingly, there’s some evidence that holding your partner’s hand while you’re arguing de-escalates the argument and makes it more productive,” Wagner comments.

Just like anything else, there are exceptions to these observations. Someone with physical abuse in their past may not react positively to lots of touching, for example.

“Feel free to give some extra snugs on the couch. There’s plenty of evidence that suggests touch as a way to decrease stress,” she concludes.

Complete Article HERE!

From sex to money…

The eight deep discussions that can save a dying relationship

John and Julie Gottman have devised dates for ailing couples – but how many are ready for this level of openness and sincerity?

By Emine Saner

How often do we really talk to our partners? About the big stuff, not about childcare arrangements, or what the funny noise coming from the fridge means? According to a study at the University of California, Los Angeles, couples with small children, and who both have careers, talk for just 35 minutes a week, and mainly about errands. That study, says John Gottman, “alarmed” him and his wife, Julie. “It seemed like couples who had been together a long time were not taking care of the relationship – their curiosity in one another had died,” he says.

Gottman, the renowned relationships researcher known for his work on divorce predictors, and Julie Schwartz Gottman, a psychologist, have been married for 32 years. They founded the Gottman Institute, which conducts research and trains therapists. Their Gottman method is an approach designed to repair and deepen relationships, concentrating on three main areas – “friendship, conflict management and creation of shared meaning”. They have also written many books, together and separately. Their latest book, which they wrote as a couple, is Eight Dates. It guides couples through eight conversations – to have on dedicated dates – on the big issues such as sex, parenting and how to handle conflict. It was partly sparked by the rise of online dating and to provide new couples with a roadmap to navigate tricky subjects, but mainly to give long-term couples a project to steer their relationship to a better place. “Couples who have been together for quite a long time create a relationship that grows stale with time, and they lose track of one another,” says Julie. “People evolve over time. They change.”

The categories – trust, conflict, sex, money, family, fun, spirituality and dreams – came out of the Gottmans’ years of observing the flashpoints in relationships, and they sent 300 heterosexual and same-sex couples out to test the dates. The dates have suggestions of places to go that fit the category – for instance, for the trust and commitment date, choose somewhere that is meaningful to your relationship – though they also have suggestions for meaningful dates at home, and open-ended questions to ask each other. Amazingly, they report that only one couple had an argument on one of their dates. But might disagreement be a danger for readers of the book? “It’s possible, but what we like to do is give people preparation in case conflict arises, so each chapter includes a bit of that,” says Julie. “But also we very carefully tailored the questions so that people were encouraged to self-disclose as opposed to comment on each other’s thoughts. And when you self-disclose, that’s really the antidote to creating conflict as opposed to judging the other person for their point of view.”

Each category has exercises and prompts to think about before the date – for instance, in the money and work section, you are encouraged to think about your family history with money, and complete a questionnaire on what money means to you, then bring these to the date to share, along with suggestions for discussion including: “What do you appreciate about your partner’s contribution to the wealth of the relationship?” and: “What is your biggest fear around money?”

Many of the questions will encourage you to confront your own prejudices and ideas of what a relationship should look like, probably influenced (for good or bad) by your parents’ relationship. “People tend to role-model after their caretakers,” says Julie. “Those are hard to step out of. It takes knowing what the alternative is and then practising it, making repairs when you do make a mistake and trying again.”

I can see the point of all of the dates, but some fill me with horror (talking about sex, mainly – I am British, after all). And my boyfriend would probably rather abandon his family, change his name and leave the country than have a date during which we try to have a serious conversation about growth and spirituality (sample question: “What do you consider sacred?”). How can you get your partner on board if they’re resisting? “Start with the chapter on sex,” says Julie. “I think it depends on what the objections are. If somebody is afraid of having a deeper conversation, you could say this is not about being judged. This is not meant as a sadistic torture for your partner, it’s about having a fun conversation and being able to have a jumping-off point. People are so caught up in the day-to-day tasks, they rarely have time to sit and reflect on: ‘What do I not know about my partner that I want to know?’” So many people in our culture are “broadcasters”, says John. “They think the important thing in a relationship is to be interesting, rather than to be interested.”

Which are the most important dates? Julie chooses trust and commitment, and dreams and ambitions. “When people talk about that, they have a chance to plumb their own depths, to see what really matters to them and what they really value, and how they want to give their lives meaning. Those are things that change and evolve over time.” She turns to John: “How about you, honey?” He smiles and says: “Fun and adventure, and sex.” They laugh and Julie says something about him being a typical man and kisses him on the cheek. “It was really sad that more than 70% of couples said that their lives had deteriorated in the bedroom,” says John, of his research. “They weren’t having much fun with one another. The things that really draw people together, that enhance living, wind up being put on the garbage heap. It’s certainly easy for relationships to become drudgery.”

John and Julie met in a coffee house in Seattle in 1986. John had recently moved to the city and was getting to know his new home: mainly, he says, by answering personals ads in the newspaper. “I dated 60 women. In three months.” Julie laughs and says: “He made a job of it.” Julie walked into the cafe and he invited her to join him: “Julie was number 61.” They were married within a year. How did they know each other was the right person? “We’d had other relationships so we had a lot of negative comparisons,” says Julie. “We’d made so many mistakes, and you really learn from your mistakes. Lo and behold, here’s this beautiful person who thinks you’re funny and cute, and whose eyes light up, and with whom you know you’ll never be bored.” They have worked together for much of that time. Even when they were newly married, they would go out “and we would ask each other these big open-ended questions, just like the ones in the book”, says Julie. John would bring a notebook on their nights out and make notes.

Both agree on the most productive category for them – dreams. Each year they take a holiday together (they call it a honeymoon) and discuss three things: what was bad about the previous year, what was good, and what they hope for the year ahead. “We really take some time to take a look at our lives and figure out how to make it better,” says John. Julie adds: “That’s where the dreaming comes in.”

They seem happy and connected. What do they wish all couples knew? “If your partner is having one of the negative emotions – fear, anger, sadness – you approach it with interest and curiosity and really communicate: ‘I want to know what you’re feeling, I want to know what’s going on with you,’” says John. Julie laughs and says it says a lot about their relationship that John focuses on listening when she chooses the opposite. “My thought is related to the speaker – there’s a lot of responsibility for the health of the relationship from how you bring up issues,” she says. “What I wish all couples knew is, when they have a concern or complaint, they need to describe themselves, not their partner.” It’s the difference between “I’m feeling hurt” and “you’ve hurt me”.

They both still get it wrong, says John. “We’re all facing the same kinds of problems and we need these blueprints,” he says. “We’re not experts on relationships, we’ve taken these ideas from real couples that we’ve done research on. It’s the data that’s informing us, not our own expertise: we don’t really have that, we’re like any other couple, we struggle with the same things.”

Complete Article HERE!

The Psychological Benefits of Sex Toys

By

There is no doubt that sex is great. However, it can use something to make it more passionate and wild from time to time. The best thing to achieve that is to find the right “hardware” for your games and let it all play out really really well.

Besides making sex better, sex toys can bring many different benefits to the table, or into the bed, however you like it (this is a judgment-free zone). But among all the physical benefits, there are some psychological ones, too.

Eliminating shyness

Some people are shy about their sexual lives or talking about sex in general. What is more, at the very mention of sex toys even they can get all giggly and blood rushes to their cheeks like they are teens again. However, what not many of us know is that if you get over it and talk about sex toys, you can actually feel more confident to talk about sex.

Sex toys are not a taboo anymore and everyone uses them; either with their partners or by themselves. So, if you are able to talk about them in any way, be sure you will be more free to talk about sex with your partner, for example. You will eliminate that shyness, guilt or embarrassment you might be feeling, and your sex life will get better and more satisfactory in no time.

“Cure” for sexual dysfunction

There are both men and women who can have sexual dysfunction, and sex toys are something that can aid in that. For example, there are women who suffer from anorgasmia, which means they can hardly reach orgasms while having sex. That is why vibrators and relaxing sex toys, are recommended. As far as men are concerned, a helping hand of sex toys can make them climax without having to get an erection. There is no harm in trying kinky toys like Hustler Hollywood has, for example, and giving it a shot.

Plus, if you manage to finally get that orgasm, there is no doubt that your confidence will rise. Another positive thing is that they will take the pressure off of you because you won’t be overthinking what you’re doing in bed. You just need to relax and let the toys do their thing. And, at the end, you will feel confident about your relationship, things will get back on track sex-wise and you will relieve stress!

Great sex equals a great relationship

You might have that spark with your partner, but things are bound to get boring sometimes. That is why you need to communicate. Surprisingly or not, sex toys will lead to better communication with your partner. Even a simple visit to the sex shop with your partner will make you communicate better. You do need to be open about what you want, like and dislike, so it is a great way to get to know each other better.

Furthermore, you will learn how to “navigate” your partner better. Without the toys, you might feel shy about telling him “a bit to the left” or her “to use less teeth”, but with sex toys, things can change. If you’re using vibrators you will be more relaxed and open about where he or she needs to go in order to hit the spot. Plus, some toys can reach places no man or woman has ever touched.

According to Bustle, you can say that sex toys can improve your honesty and communication because they will spark the conversation and make your relationship even better.

They just make you feel good

The mental benefits of using sex toys are almost the same as the benefits of sex. But double the dosage! Sex boosts your confidence, but with the use of sex toys, you are even more confident because you managed to go pass that stigma and taboo.

Sex leads to increased intimacy, love and trust in a relationship, but with the toys, you two can get even closer. This is because your aforementioned communication is better, you made that special bond when buying sex toys and you learned new things about each other and your bodies. Plus, a lot of oxytocin is released after each passionate, sweaty and successful round in the bed, which only leads to stronger relationships and more respect towards each other.

After all this, we can say for sure that sex toys are beneficial. Forget about all that kink-shaming and go a little wild. Your relationship can use a little something new and fun, and your partner will be happy about it, too! Not to forget about that confidence boost and more happiness in your lives. So, take your partner’s hand, find the toys you both like and go on an adventure of kinky fantasies and plenty of fun.

Complete Article HERE!

Couples Who Do THIS Have Better Sex

 

By Georgina Berbari

It’s no secret that there’s enjoyment in feeling desired. In fact, a new study just revealed that how much you think your partner loves your body can have a significant effect on your sexual satisfaction—even more than your own appreciation for your body.

The study, published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, studied 244 women between ages 18 and 30, all of whom were in a committed relationship for three months or longer and sexually active within the last month. (Most of the women were white and straight.) The scientists assessed the participants’ own body appreciation by asking them to rate how much they related to statements like “I respect my body” and “I feel good about my body.” The women were also asked to complete the survey from their partner’s perspective, to assess their perceived view of their partner’s appreciation of their body (i.e., “My partner feels good about my own body”).

The researchers also asked questions about the women’s sexual functioning in the past four weeks, which includes how often they felt sexual desire, their level of arousal, lubrication, number of orgasms, sexual satisfaction, and pain during sex. Finally, women also reported their overall relationship satisfaction, including how pleasant, positive, satisfied, and valued they felt.

The findings showed the more you think your partner appreciates your body, the better your sex life tends to be—that is, more desire, arousal, lubrication, and orgasms—and the more satisfied with your relationship you are.

There was also a significant relationship between how much women appreciated their own body and how much they thought their partner appreciated it. In other words, having a more positive body image was associated with your partner loving your body more too. Interestingly, however, a woman’s own body image was much less of a predictor of her sexual functioning than how she perceived her partner’s view of her body. That suggests that there’s an element of being seen as attractive that’s uniquely important when it comes to having a satisfying sex life.

In the paper, the researchers theorize that this need to be seen as desirable and worthy might have to do with trust: When we’re having sex, we’re incredibly vulnerable—literally, we’re baring it all. So when we know our partner recognizes and even takes pleasure in our bare bodies, we feel more secure, confident, and able to let loose and enjoy ourselves.

Of course, the point here isn’t that we should all care a ton about what other people think about our bodies. When you’re confident in your own body, you’ll inevitably enjoy sex more because you feel less self-conscious and more inhibited.

“Our internal experience is mirrored back to us in our relationships,” marriage and family therapist Shelly Bullard tells mbg. “Therefore, the best thing you can always do is find love within. When in doubt, love yourself.” The same goes for body image—as you cultivate more and more love for your own body, there’s no doubt that you’ll see that body love radiating from your partner.

“As I began to feel full, beautiful, and magnificent internally, I experienced others feeling these things for me in a greater way than ever before,” Bullard writes.

In short, having the sense that your partner is obsessed with your body undoubtedly leads to great sex, and treating yourself with that unconditional adoration and acceptance is a great place to start. Of course, being comfortable and accepting of all aspects of your body is a journey—that you and your partner are both likely on. So, don’t be shy when it comes to being vocal about how much you’re sexually attracted to each other. Neither of you are mind-readers, and creating a healthy, open dialogue will have wonderful effects on both your sex life and your overall confidence.

Complete Article HERE!

Is THIS Why You’re Struggling With Arousal?

By Tiffany Lashai Curtis

Somewhere in all of the many messages that we’ve received about sex, many of us came to accept the idea that when a penis is erect or when a vagina is wet, it means a person is primed and ready for sex. This isn’t always the case, and yet our cultural discourse around sex and arousal has led us to incorrectly assume that a person’s physical response to sexual stimulation is always aligned with their level of desire.

In reality, there are many times when desire and physical arousal don’t match. In fact, physical arousal (genital response) is distinct from subjective arousal (active mental engagement in sex), and the lingering confusion about this distinction can contribute to many people’s insecurity or concern within their own sex lives and—at worst—can blur the meaning of true consent.

There’s a name for when physical and subjective arousal are mismatched: arousal non-concordance.

What is arousal non-concordance?

It’s a serious-sounding name for a pretty common phenomenon that most of us have experienced or will experience at some point in our lives. If you’ve ever had a sexual experience in which you felt really turned on but had difficulty getting wet or erect or if you’ve had the opposite happen, where your body responded to a sexual stimulus but your mind was saying no, then you’ve experienced arousal non-concordance.

“Arousal concordance and non-concordance describe the simultaneous physical manifestation (or lack thereof) of a mental and emotional state of arousal,” physician and sexuality counselor Dr. Kanisha Hall tells mindbodygreen.

Simply put, arousal non-concordance can occur when the brain and the body are out of sync. While there is no official test to measure one’s levels of arousal concordance or non-concordance, researchers have asked participants to watch porn clips or view nude photographs while their vaginal pulse rate or the size of their erections were monitored (physical arousal) and then rate their level of desire (subjective arousal). The existing overlap between participants’ physical and subjective arousal is what is used as a marker of concordance.

Some people are more likely to experience arousal non-concordance than others. Dr. Hall says women may be more likely than men to experience it, which may have to do with the way female pleasure has been socially stigmatized, devalued, and construed as “mysterious,” creating more barriers to sexual satisfaction both physically and mentally.

Dr. Hall also noted that “stress, hormone imbalance, physical or mental disability, or a history of trauma may present a roadblock.”

Dealing with arousal non-concordance.

It’s easy to see why experiencing mismatched arousal can be extremely frustrating. “An individual may feel like their body is betraying them,” Dr. Hall says. “Others report feelings of inadequacy and dysfunction. These feelings bring stress to a person’s daily life and relationships. Also, you must realize the partner is usually bothered as well because they feel lacking in their ability to arouse and stimulate.”

Understanding arousal non-concordance and how we experience it can remind us that we are not damaged or weird if we don’t want to get busy all the time, if we become physically aroused in nonsexual situations, or if we don’t always respond positively to sexual touch even from a partner who we love or a person we find super attractive. By taking the time to note those moments when we aren’t experiencing arousal fully or when we experience unwanted arousal, we can become more attuned to how our bodies and minds react to certain kinds of stimulation and be more assertive about asking for what we want when we want it—and drawing boundaries when we don’t. Importantly, understanding that physical arousal alone does not and cannot take the place of clear and enthusiastic verbal consent is absolutely necessary to address our society’s ongoing culture of sexual assault.

We can also begin to figure out what really turns us on or off and open up the conversation with our partners. If you find that your mental desire for sex is present but that your body doesn’t get the memo when it’s time to get naked, getting reacquainted with things like lubricant (lots of it), clitoral stimulation, and taking the time to think about what kinds of touch or sensations you like and don’t like can make a huge difference. “Self-care and masturbation are great tools for assessing physical responses to stimuli,” Dr. Hall says.

If you experience physical arousal more than mental arousal, implementing something like a meditation practice or assessing what triggers your responsive desire can help your subjective arousal catch up to your physical response to sexual stimuli—if that’s what you want. Otherwise, you can at least begin to accept that your body’s biological responses are simply natural—nothing to feel shame or frustration about, as long as those responses aren’t interfering with your daily life.

If your experiences of non-concordance are due to trauma or if everyday sexual experiences do bring up emotional or physical pain, often it’s a good time to seek out professional help from a sexual health expert, whether that’s your gynecologist, another kind of sexologist or sexual health practitioner, or even a body worker who can help you process what you’re experiencing.

Whichever route you choose, know that arousal non-concordance is a normal experience and can be managed once you become aware of what’s happening.

Complete Article HERE!

Sexual desire can spark a real connection

Sex helps initiate romantic relationships between potential partners, a new study finds.

“Sex may set the stage for deepening the emotional connection between strangers,” says lead author Gurit Birnbaum, a social psychologist and associate professor of psychology at Interdisciplinary Center Herzliya in Israel. “This holds true for both men and women. Sex motivates human beings to connect, regardless of gender.”

The study, which appears in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, was limited to heterosexual relationships. According to Birnbaum, some believe that men are more likely than women to initiate relationships when sexually aroused, but when one focuses on more subtle relationship-initiating strategies, such as providing help, this pattern does not hold true: in fact, both men and women try to connect with potential partners when sexually aroused.

In four interrelated studies, participants met a new acquaintance of the opposite sex in a face-to-face encounter. The researchers demonstrate that sexual desire triggers behaviors that can promote emotional bonding during these encounters.

“Although sexual urges and emotional attachments are distinct feelings, evolutionary and social processes likely have rendered humans particularly prone to becoming romantically attached to partners to whom they are sexually attracted,” says coauthor Harry Reis, a professor of psychology at the University of Rochester.

An attractive stranger

In the first study, the researchers looked at whether sexual desire for a new acquaintance would be associated with non-verbal cues signaling relationship interest. These so-called immediacy behaviors are displayed in the synchronization of movements, close physical proximity, and frequent eye contact with a study insider who worked with the scientists. The study participants, all of whom identified as single in addition to heterosexual, were recruited at a university in central Israel.

Study 1 included 36 women and 22 men who lip-synched to pre-recorded music with an attractive, opposite-sex study insider. Afterwards, participants rated their desire for the insider, whom they believed to be another participant. The scientists found that the greater the participant’s desire for the insider, the greater their immediacy behaviors towards, and synchronization with, the insider.

Study 2 replicated the finding with 38 women and 42 men who were asked to slow dance with an attractive, opposite-sex insider, whom they believed to be a study participant. Again, the researchers found a direct association between synchronization of body movement and desire for the insider.

Study 3 included 42 women and 42 men and established a causal connection between activating the sexual behavior system and behaviors that help initiate relationships. In order to activate the sexual system, the researchers used a subliminal priming technique in which they flashed an erotic, non-pornographic image for 30 milliseconds on a screen, which participants were not aware of seeing.

Next, participants interacted with a second study participant—essentially a potential partner—discussing interpersonal dilemmas while on camera. Afterwards judges rated the participants’ behaviors that conveyed responsiveness and caring. The scientists found the activation of the sexual system also resulted in behaviors that suggested caring about a potential partner’s well-being—an established signal for interest in a relationship.

Study 4 included 50 women and 50 men. Half the group watched an erotic, non-pornographic video scene from the movie The Boy Next Door. The other half watched a neutral video of rainforests in South America.

Next, study participants were assigned an attractive opposite-sex insider and told to complete a verbal reasoning task. The insider pretended to get stuck on the third question and asked the participant for help. The researchers found that those participants who had watched the erotic movie scene were quicker to help, invested more time, and were perceived as more helpful, than the neutral video control group.

Bonding for baby’s sake?

What then could explain the role of sex in fostering partnerships? Human sexual behavior evolved to ensure reproduction. As such, sex and producing offspring don’t depend on forming an attachment between partners. However, the prolonged helplessness of human children promoted the development of mechanisms that keep sexual partners bonded to each other so that they can jointly care for their offspring, says Birnbaum. “Throughout human history, parents’ bonding greatly increased the children’s survival chances,” she says.

Prior neuroimaging research has shown that similar brain regions (the caudate, insula, and putamen) are activated when a person experiences either sexual desire or romantic love. The researchers surmise that this pattern hints at a neurological pathway that causes sexual activation—the neural processes that underlie a sexual response—to affect emotional bonding.

They conclude that experiencing sexual desire between previously unacquainted strangers may help facilitate behaviors that cultivate personal closeness and bonding.

“Sexual desire may play a causally important role in the development of relationships,” says Birnbaum. “It’s the magnetism that holds partners together long enough for an attachment bond to form.”

Support for the research came from the Binational Science Foundation (BSF).

Complete Article HERE!

5 Ways to Be More Sexual…

Even When You’re Not in Bed

By Amy Stanton & Catherine Connors

Getting in touch with your erotic self can help you feel more authentic, and confident too.

This may seem counterintuitive in a culture that celebrates the Kardashians and made 50 Shades of Grey a bestseller, but female sexual power has always been controversial.

Women who own their erotic power have, for pretty much all of human history, been seen as dangerous and disruptive. (Who is Eve, after all, if not a brazen woman who tempts an otherwise innocent man? And she, apparently, caused humanity to be kicked out of paradise as a result!) History and theology are full of tales of women whose sexual power caused the downfall of nations and peoples. From the Hindus’ Mohini to the Greeks’ Sirens to the Old Testament’s Jezebel, Delilah, and Salome to Stormy Daniels—sexually confident women have been long characterized as capital-T Trouble.

It’s not hard to figure out why: women’s sexual power has long been directly associated with men’s sexual weakness. Delilah’s cutting of Samson’s hair is a figurative castration: a sexually powerful woman can rob a man of his strength and will and render him vulnerable. Other cultures viewed a man’s falling under the influence of a woman as so disempowering that it could only be the work of demons or other supernatural forces. And we all know the tragedy of the cuckold (who persists to the present day in the idea of the “cuck”): sexually duped by a woman, the cuckolded man can’t know who his real children are, and so is effectively impotent. (That this became the basis for The Maury Povich Show is arguably a compounded tragedy.)

The idea that women shouldn’t be sexually empowered runs so deep that we often don’t realize how much it influences us. Take the notion of the “slut” and the double standard it purveys. According to author and journalist Peggy Orenstein, “A sexually active girl [or woman] is a slut while a similar boy [man] is a player.” Apart from “player,” we don’t really have words to describe the sexually active boy or man. Girls and women are called “sluts,” “whores,” “slags,” “slatterns,” and (for older women) “cougars,” to name a few. And although we shame unabashedly sexual women (think of how much vitriol gets aimed at Kim Kardashian), we also vilify the so-called prude who suppresses her sexuality. To say that these double standards and contradictions create a confusing landscape for girls and women is an understatement.

It’s not only confusing… it’s also a dangerous landscape. In the era of #metoo, #BelieveHer, and #WhyIDidntReport, we are more aware than ever that our confidence—sexual or otherwise—won’t protect us from the risk of assault. And even though we know that the arguments about constraining women’s sexual freedom for our own protection are completely bogus–even dangerous—it’s hard to not absorb the chill of those messages. So how do we claim and own our sexual power? How can we use it in a way that promotes our emotional, spiritual, and physical well-being?

We think the starting point is to get in touch with your erotic self. Explore your sexual identity so that you can get to know it better. As Amy discusses in our book, The Feminine Revolution, one of the ways she does this is by embracing her love of lingerie—a love that started for her, because it made her feel great and then if men appreciate it, even better. For Catherine it’s been a process of embracing sensuality in all its forms—not just sexual—and getting to know what moves and inspires her senses. For you, it could be something completely different—what matters is only that you get started. Ask yourself, What makes me feel good? What makes me feel sexually and sensually gratified—and confident? And consider trying a few of these tricks:

Practice the skill of erotic observation

Explore what it feels like to “love” a sunset or the curve of smoke above a fire—and cultivate connection to beauty everywhere you find it. Your erotic self is defined by its connection to beauty and spirit in all forms, so being in touch with your erotic—and, by extension, sexual—power requires practicing appreciation of those things outside the sphere of sex and romance.

Use your senses

Sexuality is a power of the mind, but also, of course, of the body, and so the practiced exercise of sexual power requires connection to the senses. But this isn’t restricted to the sexual experiences of the senses—on the contrary, honing your senses more broadly can only enhance more, um, specific sensual experiences. Pay attention to what delights your senses. Is it the taste of fine wine or great chocolate? Is it the warmth of crackling fires, the feel of wind in your hair, the tingling of your muscles after a run? Do more of that. Find more of that.

Own your physicality

The way you sit, the way you walk—every movement plays into your sexual power. How can this work to your advantage? How can you express yourself intentionally through your movement? Pilates is a great way to get really specific with your various body parts and learn how to move and control them. Dance allows you to free and express yourself. Bring attention to how you’re walking down the street and how you feel.

Experiment

Try different ways of expressing and feeling your sensuality and sexuality. See how it feels. Play with it—visit extremes and fantasies. What feels right? Perhaps you’ll find you’ve been playing it too safe, and there’s room to indulge. Or maybe you’ll find that you want to dial it back. No matter what, the result is clarity and power.

Find inspiration in others

Look to sexual/sensual/erotic role models as a way to find your own approach to sexuality. Consider people across the gender spectrum: Whom do you find sexy? Why? What about that person is sexually or erotically compelling? Is it his or her physical beauty or sense of style, intelligence, or charisma? Understanding what we find erotic—what we desire—can help us find our own sexual being.

As we explore our femininity, our feminine power and, as part of that, our sexuality and sexual power, let’s not forget it’s a journey. A journey of freeing ourselves, learning what makes us feel our best and most confident and moving towards true authenticity. Towards a better world for us and for those around us.

Complete Article HERE!

A strong libido and bored by monogamy:

the truth about women and sex

By

When a heterosexual couple marries, who’s likely to get bored of sex first? The answer might surprise you…

What do you know about female sexuality? Whatever it is, chances are, says Wednesday Martin, it’s all wrong. “Most of what we’ve been taught by science about female sexuality is untrue,” she says. “Starting with two basic assertions: that men have a stronger libido than women, and that men struggle with monogamy more than women do.”

Martin pulls no punches. Her bestselling memoir Primates of Park Avenue cast her as an anthropologist observing the habits of her Upper East Side neighbours. She claimed among other shockers that privileged stay-at-home mothers were sometimes given a financial “wife bonus” based on their domestic and social performance. The book caused a furore, and is currently being developed as a TV series, with Martin as exec producer. Her new book, out this week, should be equally provocative. Entitled Untrue, it questions much that we thought we knew about women’s sexuality.

Her starting-point is that research into human sexuality has been, historically, overwhelmingly male-centric; “notable sexologists”, starting with Carl Friedrich Otto Westphal (1833-1890) are mostly male. You have to scroll through another 25, including Sigmund Freud and Alfred Kinsey, before you arrive at a female name: Mary Calderone (1904-1998), who championed sex education. And even in the subsequent 30 names there are only five women, including both Virginia Johnson (partner of the famous, and male, William Masters), and Shere Hite.

All these men made certain assumptions about women’s sexuality. It’s no surprise that it was Hite who revolutionised thinking on female orgasm, arguing that it was not “dysfunctional” to fail to climax during intercourse. Crucial, too, says Martin, has been the work of Rosemary Basson, who realised that spontaneous desire, the kind sexologists had measured for years, was only one type of relevant desire, and that responsive or triggered sexual response is much more important for women. Measured on that scale it turns out that women are, in fact, every bit as sexually arousable as men.

New findings showed that women reported similar intensities of desire and arousal to men, and “a real shift in thinking” about females and monogamy. “We were taught that men were the ones who needed variety, but the exact opposite turns out to be the case,” says Martin. “Overfamiliarisation with a partner and desexualisation kills women’s libido. We used to think it’s only men who became sexually bored after marriage; turns out that’s not true. It’s when women get married that it’s detrimental to their libido.”

Martin isn’t here to talk about her own relationship, but for the record she’s 53, has been married for 18 years, still lives in New York, and has two sons aged 17 and 10 who are, predictably enough, “mortified” at what their mother writes about. She hopes her work will help validate the feelings of the next generation of young women: “It’s not about giving them permission to ‘cheat’, not even giving them permission to refuse monogamy, but I hope it does give them permission to feel normal if they don’t like monogamy,” she says. Because that’s the central fallacy: the belief that monogamy is harder for men than for women. In fact, argues Martin, the exact opposite is the case. “Women crave novelty and variety and adventure at least as much as men, and maybe more.” She talks me through what she says is the classic pathway for women when they marry or commit to one heterosexual partner long-term (the research has so far concentrated on heterosexual couples; more work is needed on gay women’s sex lives). “A couple live together, their libidos are matched, and they have a lot of sex. But after a year, two years, maybe three years, what tends to happen is that the woman’s desire drops more quickly than the man’s. At that point the woman thinks, ‘I don’t like sex any more.’ But what, in fact, is happening is that she is having a hard time with monogamy; because women get bored with one partner more quickly than men do.”

So women are socialised to believe that they’ve gone off sex, when in fact they’re craving variety. Instead of being the brake on passion, says Martin, the female half of the long-term partnership is the key to a more adventurous and exciting sex life. What it’s all about, she explains, is the existence of the only entirely pleasure-seeking organ in the human repertoire, the clitoris. For her portrait, she wears a necklace shaped like one. “Women evolved to seek out pleasure, women are multiply orgasmic, women’s biology sets them up to seek out pleasure,” says Martin. “The clitoris has a very important back story about female human sex which is that our sex evolved for the purpose of adventure.”

Another element in the mix, she says, was the finding that a third of women who are having an extramarital relationship say their marriage or long-term partnership is happy or very happy. “So we need to understand that women aren’t just seeking variety because they’re unhappy, they’re seeking it because they need variety and novelty,” she says.

What does all this mean, in a practical sense, for our sex lives? Martin doesn’t like the word “cheating” – she prefers to use the term “step out” – and that’s what some women decide to do. But it’s not the only solution. “There are many women who are suffering but don’t want to leave their relationship or to step out, and they’ve not yet discovered vibrators,” says Martin. “I can’t tell you how many women have told me they never had a vibrator – there’s a generation in their 40s and 50s who missed the vibrator revolution and never caught up. And there are all these new vibrators out there – and anything new you can introduce will make a big difference to your sex life.” Another way forward can be for a couple to open up their relationship in some way, and invite someone else in. And she has other ideas up her sleeve that seem a lot less risqué, like going on a zip wire, taking up dance lessons or going scuba diving together. Why does that help? “Research on the neurochemicals has found that our sexual desire is triggered when we do something new with a long-term partner. A thrilling activity is ideal: it can give you a wash of hormones that makes you feel new to each other again.”

Indeed, part of the narrative seems to be that men are too quick to settle for “the usual” (which makes sense now we know they’re not the ones who are bored); but opening up the conversation about what else they could try can relight the fuse. The trick here, counsels Martin, is for them to keep on and on asking. “Men really caring about what women want sexually makes a huge difference. You might need to have the conversation over and over, and women might keep saying they’re happy with things as they are – but keep asking, and eventually women will open up about their sexual fantasies. We find that their menus are more varied than men’s. Men are shocked, but also gratified and thrilled, when they find out how sexually exciting we can be when we get past the inhibitions that have been socialised into us.”

Paradoxically, there’s been a parallel shift in attitudes towards extramarital affairs and divorce alongside the growing studies into women’s sexuality. Martin quotes the US statistics: in 1976, fewer than half of well-educated Americans thought having an affair was always wrong; by 2013, that figure was 91%. “We’ve become a lot less tolerant of infidelity in recent years,” says Martin. “And meanwhile divorce has become much more common: a large number of people in the 1970s who thought affairs were OK, thought divorce was wrong.”

So at the precise moment science reveals women have the bigger “need” to be sexually adventurous, society clamps down on infidelity. And that, says Martin, is hugely significant. “The way we feel about women who refuse monogamy is an important metric for how we feel about equality.” She’s talking, she says, about women who openly refuse monogamy by being polyamorous. The overwhelming story we buy into, after all, is that men who “cheat” are just “men being men”; women who “step out” are far more likely to be criticised and shamed. Ultimately, though, they’re challenging something very deep in society’s expectations of them – and perhaps their stance is the most radical female stance of all.

Complete Article HERE!