Hope Woodard, a comedian and influencer, at Purgatory, a club in Brooklyn. Her decision to take a long break from romantic relationships has drawn an enthusiastic reaction from her fans.
The comedian Hope Woodard is spreading the word about her yearlong break from sex and dating. One fan calls it “this year’s hottest mental health craze.”
By Marisa Charpentier
A flock of mostly 20-somethings gathered on Tuesday night in a chapel-like building in Brooklyn to hear about a subject that has been a hot topic in religious spaces for centuries: celibacy.
Except no one was using that term. Instead, they were calling it “boysober.”
“I hate the word celibacy,” said the host of the event, Hope Woodard, a comedian and storyteller who grew up in the Church of Christ in rural Tennessee.
Ms. Woodard, who lives in Brooklyn, described herself as sex-positive — and sometimes wears a button that says “I heart female orgasms” to prove it. But after taking inventory of her dating life in October, and realizing that she had been in a relationship of some kind since kindergarten, she decided to take a year away from sex and dating.
With nearly half a million followers across TikTok and Instagram, Ms. Woodard, 27, started using the term “boysober” at the start of her journey. Now she is describing the experience in a monthly storytelling and comedy show, called “Boysober,” at Purgatory, an entertainment venue in Brooklyn’s Bushwick neighborhood that was once an administrative building of the Evergreens Cemetery.
At the first sold-out show, the approximately 100 attendees filled the seats and crowded around the small stage. Before introducing the lineup of comics, Ms. Woodard explained that she intended “boysober” as an all-encompassing term, one that meant abstaining from romantic relationships with people of any gender.
Audience members at Ms. Woodard’s recent “Boysober” show.
The audience of mostly women and nonbinary people often burst into knowing laughter as the comedians told stories about inconsiderate partners who had left pubic hairs on the toilet seat; offered an unrefrigerated cheese stick from their back pocket; and invited a different woman to a Halloween party they had planned on going to together.
During her time at the mic, Ms. Woodard described moments when she was the villain of her own dating story — times when she had led someone on, or had allowed herself to be treated poorly because she wanted attention.
A highlight was her story about going back to Tennessee and spending time with her grandmother, who has dementia. During the visit, she noticed that her grandmother kept sending texts to her ex — that is, Ms. Woodard’s grandfather — and grew angry when he didn’t reply. The thing is, her grandfather is dead.
“I’m like, ‘Mimi, you are going to be left “on read” till your grave!’” Ms. Woodard told the crowd, using a term for a text not responded to.
And yet, she recognized herself in that moment.
“Do you ever see your mom or your grandma doing something and you’re like, ‘that’s messed up’” — Ms. Woodard used a stronger word — “but then you’re like, ‘I know I’ve got that inside of me’?”
Ms. Woodard’s stories of sex and dating included one about her grandmother’s texting habits.
A big part of the yearlong break from sex and romance is unlearning the unhealthy relationship patterns that often get passed down from generation to generation. “Maybe we are one of the first generations of women where we don’t actually have to plug into a man for, like, energy and power and whatever,” Ms. Woodard said.
Eliza Wright, an events planner from Brooklyn who was in the audience, said she knew what it was like to take a break from men. After a few bad sexual experiences in college, she stopped having sex for a couple years, and in that time she realized she wasn’t attracted to men at all, she said. She then fell in love with her longtime best friend Jess. The two are now married.
Ms. Wright, 25, pointed to the pressure on women to earn male attention. “When that dissolves,” she said, “there’s a whole new world that opens.”
Ms. Woodard said that, growing up in the South, she was raised to please others. Now, she said, she sometimes struggles with knowing what she wants. At its core, her “boysober” year is about learning how to say no.
“I’m a little bit angry at myself and angry at all the sex that I’ve had that I feel like I didn’t choose,” she said. “For the first time ever, I just feel like I have ownership over my body.”
Catie Kobland, 24, a nanny and graduate student in Manhattan who attended the event, said that she and her friends “go celibate” every so often.
“When you get out of a relationship, or you have a really bad situationship and dating or seeing people is tainted, and you want to rinse it from your mouth, I feel like the best way to do it is celibacy,” Ms. Kobland said. “It’s this year’s hottest mental health craze.”
Alex Alberto (they/them) is a queer and polyamorous storyteller who lives in Upstate New York.
The following is an adapted excerpt from their memoir “Entwined: Essays on Polyamory and Creating Home,” which is available for preorder (out February 19).
“Entwined” tells the story of Alberto’s decade-long polyamorous journey toward a new kind of family.
My partner entered the hospital room in a blue gown, his clothes stuffed in a clear plastic bag.
“You left the back untied!” I said, with a forced chuckle.
“Oh, they see hairy butts all day long,” Don replied. “Plus, most of their patients aren’t as sexy as me…”
Standing in the doorway, he pulled his gown up and lifted his thigh, toes seductively pointed on the floor. I rose from the chair, smiled, and snapped a picture of him. I knew he was trying to set a mood that meant this wasn’t a big deal. In the five years we’d been together, I’d pictured him dying or falling seriously ill hundreds, maybe thousands of times.
The author’s partner, Don, while in the hospital.
I’ve always been worried that something would happen to Don
I’d always imagined it would be around his 51st birthday, the age my father was when he had a stroke that left him paralyzed and unable to speak. I’d had intrusive thoughts about all my loved ones suddenly dying or getting sick ever since. Every time I’d voice my fears, Don patiently held me and said he’d live healthily for a very, very long time. But here he was, at 40, about to undergo heart surgery.
While Don was in the operating room, I sat on the blue vinyl chair in his office, grateful that his research center was in the hospital and that I had a quiet place to cry. I had a pile of memoirs and hours of crime podcasts saved on my phone.
“The procedure can take anywhere between three and 10 hours,” a nurse had told us, shaking her head. I looked at the books at my feet and didn’t pick any up. I turned the fluorescent light on, and turned it off. I looked at the psychology diplomas behind his desk. He had finally gotten them framed, 10 years after his last graduation. I sat on the floor and leaned on his desk.
The author and their partner, Don.
During his surgery, I considered reaching out to his ex
I thought of calling Bridget, Don’s ex. Don met Bridget a year into our relationship; they’d dated for three years. Bridget broke up with him the summer before. He was over her, but I still missed her. She and I texted here and there, but it seemed inappropriate to call now.
Before Bridget, I’d never felt the power of a metamour bond — the bond with my partner’s partner. Don had a few girlfriends who were around for a few months, but we never clicked. One had a high-pitched, nasal voice that scratched my insides, another answered all my questions with a single word. But Bridget was present in conversation, and, like me, initiated her journey into polyamory while single. “Monogamy was a coat that never fit quite right,” she’d told me. She was a kindred spirit. I felt seen.
The success rate of Don’s procedure was high, so my rational brain trusted everything would be fine, and that his arrhythmia would disappear. But I also imagined sitting in a waiting room alone 10, 20 years down the road, a doctor telling me they couldn’t save him. That anticipated grief cinched my insides.
I then imagined that Bridget was part of that hypothetical future. I pictured us holding each other while crying, reminiscing about Don’s quirks: his bedside table full of protein bar wrappers that he ate in the middle of the night, how he mindlessly wiggled his thumb above his phone when he was reading the news, the way he kissed us both on the back of the neck. Sharing the pain of losing a partner made the possibility of it seem bearable.
Through polyamory, I’ve made connections beyond my own partners
When I began my journey into non-monogamy, I was focused on the freedom of developing romantic and sexual intimacy with multiple people. But in my relationship with Bridget, I realized metamours could become core members of my family.
Don’s surgery went well, but I couldn’t shake the creeping worry that I had become too reliant on him. That my identity and well-being were primarily tied to him. While I’d had other committed partners since meeting him, those relationships had ended. But I didn’t expect that Bridget breaking up with Don could also break my heart.
Polyamory has shown me a way to expand my family and make it more resilient. My life experience has made me acutely aware and sensitive to the vulnerability of the nuclear family. My half-sister’s father drowned when she was 11. My uncle was a trucker and died in an accident when he was in his early 30s. Both my grandfathers died of heart attacks in their early 60s. My father had his stroke well before his retirement age. When I think of a resilient future, it necessitates having multiple life partners. I need to know my stool won’t get knocked over if one leg breaks.
The desire for love is universal. It’s rare to encounter a human being who has never yearned for true love, but what does the term even mean?
>We associate “true love” with fairytales and Disney, or with extravagant weddings and romantic films about couples overcoming adversity together and building a beautiful life together.
The concept of true love is even puzzling to researchers, with academic literature indicating love is an experience that boils down to a collection of emotions that further our ability to survive.
While there certainly is truth in this, from the drive to reproduce to the intense attachment that can provide support during the end of our lives, deep love can be hard to spot.1
It isn’t uncommon to wonder if you’ve found true love, or if the love you once thought was your end game is fading, and if true love even lasts. We’ve got you. This article will help you spot and learn how to nurture deep, secure, love in—hopefully—its truest form.
Characteristics of True Love
To learn how to identify true love, it’s important to understand the characteristics of it. A key component of true love is an unwavering sense of mutually feeling respected and valued. Speaking poorly of each other and breaking the agreed-upon boundaries of the relationship exist as the antithesis of these traits.
Lauren Consul, LMFT
Secure love isn’t a fixed endpoint; it’s a continual journey where partners actively and consistently show up for themselves, each other, and the relationship.
— Lauren Consul, LMFT
Unconditional acceptance and support are also key to true love. The same way you don’t speak poorly of each other, it is also important that you accept and support one another in the best and worst of times. This doesn’t mean that you evade difficult truths. In true love, you can trust that you can be honest. Furthermore, you can trust that your partner is honest with you.
But, true love isn’t only about respect, values, and boundaries. There are also enchanting elements that keep you in the relationship when times feel tough.
To dig deeper into the magic, we talked to licensed marriage and family therapist Lauren Consul, “Secure love isn’t a fixed endpoint; it’s a continual journey where partners actively and consistently show up for themselves, each other, and the relationship.” This is a key point to remember—true love isn’t the end of a book. It’s the process of writing an evolving story. “It involves experiencing a sense of safety, assurance, and significance in the eyes of your partner,” she continued. This type of connection helps develop a deep emotional bond and intimacy.
How does true love feel?
When it comes to the concept of love, it isn’t uncommon to hear people say you’ll just know. There’s good reason for this. An element of love is unspeakable, it is a feeling above all. “It goes beyond merely being heard; it’s about feeling that your words hold importance for your partner,” shares Consul. This feeling indicates emotional connection, trust, and vulnerability.
True love feels less like adrenaline and more like the sense of calm you’re left with after receiving a much-needed hug. It doesn’t leave you with questions or mixed-up emotions and feels authentic in a deeper way than what many of us have experienced.
However, things can get tricky. You can have a deep love for someone and also no longer wish to continue in a relationship with them. Though this may seem contradictory, such a predicament isn’t an indicator of a lack of depth, “True love doesn’t conquer all…it coexists with external circumstances that may end the relationship journey, but does not end the love,” says Consul.<
Similarly, she shares that someone can also love another but be unable to truly express that love because they have yet to do important internal work. Alas, this is when we end up in the unfortunate predicament of emotional unavailability. Yet, in a secure loving relationship, both parties are dedicated to doing the work to ensure they are available for the sweetness a relationship can bring.
How do I find it?
Dating to find true love can be a daunting task in a world where many people are just looking for casual connections. However, with some persistence, focus, and self-work, it is possible to not only find your match but to enjoy the journey along the way.
“With dating, a crucial aspect is self-awareness. That means understanding both your positive attributes and the baggage you carry,” explains Consul. She continued by acknowledging that while it is important to honor your strengths and deservingness of a great relationship, it is more critical that you’re aware of your baggage, generational patterns, trauma, and triggers. Once you have cultivated that awareness, you can do the deep self-work required to ensure you can show up to a romantic relationship with emotional availability and patience.
As for the logistics of dating? Somatic psychotherapist, coach, and mindfulness teacher Francesca Maximé gave us her thoughts: “Dating apps are always going to be an option, but try to meet people in real life.”
She suggests volunteering, joining a sports league, or taking a class as options. She continued by explaining that getting to know someone through a shared interest can take the pressure off of the early days of dating.
Maintaining True Love
So, you’ve found the love. How do you keep it? According to Consul, the bedrock of a thriving, long-term relationship lies in sustained curiosity. Curiosity helps avoid assumptions, which in turn avoids judgment while fostering intimacy and solutions.
Beyond curiosity is effective communication. Research shows that the way a couple navigates conflict is directly indicative of the quality of the relationship.2 Conflict isn’t bad for a relationship and is a great way couples can learn how to navigate challenges together.
“Frequently, we fall into the trap of making assumptions because we believe we know our partner inside out. However, this can gradually erode a relationship, leading to disconnection.” You can cultivate a sense of curiosity by continually asking questions. It can be as simple as, “What is your favorite food right now?” Or, “What is something new you’ve learned lately?” Though these questions may seem elementary, you’ll be surprised at what conversations they can open up.
Francesca Maximé, somatic psychotherapist
True love is much more about secure functioning together. It increases your capacity to be kind and selfless, have boundaries, and be a discerning individual, all at the same time with your lover,.
— Francesca Maximé, somatic psychotherapist
Another tool to tap into is the Gottman Institute’s Card Deck app. The Gottman Institute, founded by the creators of the Gottman Method Drs. John and Julie Gottman, is committed to providing research-based therapy and support to couples around the world. Their Card Deck app utilizes a series of open-ended questions and activities that are designed to increase emotional connection, understanding, and intimacy.
If you’re noticing things are feeling particularly rocky within your relationship, consider seeking out therapy. Couples therapy is an excellent tool that can help you streamline your communication, physical connection, and emotional understanding of one another. If you’re not sure where to begin, Inclusive Therapists is an excellent therapist directory where you can search for therapists based on identity, modality, location, fee, and more.
Keep in Mind
While true love takes work, your fruits of labor will be well worth it. “True love is much more about secure functioning together. It increases your capacity to be kind and selfless, have boundaries, and be a discerning individual, all at the same time with your lover,” explains Maximé.
If you’ve found it, trust that you can sustain it. If you’re looking for it, trust it is waiting for you.
Unless you’re talking about a campfire or stove, it’s time to stop worrying about “keeping the spark alive.”
Why it matters: Although pop culture and well-meaning friends may have told you that maintaining a “spark” is important for sustaining long-term romantic relationships, sex educator Emily Nagoski says that thinking is misguided.
Driving the news: Nagoski, who has bestsellers on women’s sexuality and burnout, today released “Come Together,” a science-backed book on intimacy in long-term marriages and partnerships.
She was inspired to write the book after experiencing a sexual lull with her husband, which many couples can relate to: In our high-stress lives, it’s normal to take breaks from sex.
Researchanddata on couples who have lasting sexual connections suggests that success has much more to do with friendship and prioritizing pleasure (and not spontaneous desire).
Some of Nagoski’s myth-busting tips about sexual connection:
Don’t worry about the “spark” and being in the mood all the time, Nagoski says.
Hyperfocusing on that could actually make you less open to intimacy.
Instead, successful couples like and admire each other, and believe they’re worth the effort of prioritizing intimacy.
Don’t be afraid to talk about sex with your partner. It doesn’t mean that something is wrong.
In fact, Nagoski says the contrary is true.
“The couples who have great long term sexual connections talk about sex all the time, the same way you talk about any hobby. [That’s] the way you make it great,” she says.
And note that a dry spell isn’t a dysfunction or sign that your relationship lacks love, Nagoski says, but it could be an indication that it’s time to assess what aspects of your life are hitting what she calls the sexual “brakes.”
Be open to planning intimacy.
It’s a misconception that scheduling sex means you don’t want it enough, Nagoski says.
“Our lives are complicated. My calendar is packed. If I didn’t put sex on the calendar, it would not happen, as it takes deliberately protecting space, time and energy to engage in this behavior,” she says.
Stop worrying about what other people are doing.
Nagoski refuses to answer the question, “How much sex does the average couple have?” — because “it’s impossible to hear the number and not judge yourself against it.” Plus, that doesn’t mean the sex is enjoyable, which is a much better measure of a healthy sex life.
But more to the point, she says: “What matters is whether or not you like the sex you are having.”
Instead of stressing over frequency, it’s better to focus on the context of when sex is desirable for you and your partner — there’s a good chance you may require different ways into a lusty mood, which Nagoski explains in her book.
Bottom line: In a long-term sexual relationship, what matters is that you trust each other, decide that sex is important, and prioritize the needs of your unique relationship, Nagoski says.
Consensual non-monogamy refers to a relationship structure in which all parties involved agree to engage in romantic, sexual or otherwise intimate relationships with multiple partners with the complete knowledge and consent of everyone involved. It encompasses various forms of non-monogamous arrangements, including but not limited to:
Polyamory. Having multiple, concurrent romantic and/or sexual relationships.
Open relationships. Sexual relationships with others outside of the primary partnership, while maintaining emotional commitment to each other.
Swinging. Romantically exclusive partners seek out shared sexual experiences with other individuals or couples. For instance, they may swap sexual partners with another couple.
Research shows that consensually non-monogamous relationships have similar levels of relationship quality and well-being as compared to monogamous relationships and it is natural to think about exploring them. However, there is still a significant amount of stigma and trepidation around entering such relationships. While bringing it up with a monogamous or long-term partner, you may encounter apprehension on their end or even have some questions about the process yourself.
Here are three common questions or fears that arise when considering consensual non-monogamy and how to navigate them.
1. Is Something Missing In Our Relationship?
Entering a non-monogamous relationship can bring up the question of whether there is something missing in the relationship, or even in oneself, and create uncertainty about a partner’s motivation for wanting to try a new arrangement.
However, it is possible to practice non-monogamy while still being in healthy and loving partnerships and the fundamental principle of this arrangement is that all parties involved are aware of the nature of the relationship, have given informed consent and willingly participate in it.
A 2022 survey revealed that two-thirds of Americans report fantasizing about having sex with other people and a third of partnered Americans would ideally like a certain degree of openness in their relationship as long as their primary relationship wouldn’t be compromised, highlighting that this desire is more common than we think.
Research shows that desiring consensual non-monogamy does not necessarily signal relationship problems and could instead be related to pursuing individual and relational well-being, exploring one’s sexuality or sexual fantasies, seeking personal growth, autonomy and novel experiences. Sex researcher Zhana Vrangalova of New York University explains that the human needs for security and companionship can co-exist with the need for novelty, exploration and experience-seeking, rather than competing with them.
Reflecting on your motivation to explore consensual non-monogamy and communicating it clearly to your partner, along with creating an agreement of boundaries, levels of disclosure about other partners, regular relationship check-ins and mutual relationship goals can create an arrangement that is comfortable and reaffirming for all parties.
2. What Will People Think Of Us?
The fear of being ostracized by others is not unfounded, as consensual non-monogamists might be perceived as promiscuous, making excuses for infidelity, less satisfied in their relationships or immoral.
Research shows that consensual non-monogamists often experience erasure of their identity and have to engage in disproportionate emotional labor to be understood in interpersonal relationships. A 2022 study further highlighted the expressions of disapproval, loss of resources, threatening behaviors, character devaluation and relationship devaluation they face.
Additionally, the external stigma and societal idealization of monogamy can become internalized and multi-partnered individuals consequently struggle with feeling that their desires are unnatural and experience psychological distress.
Researchers suggest that unlearning internalized bias, selectively disclosing relationship configurations in safe spaces and seeking support from peers and allies are all important coping tools to navigate this stigma.
3. Will This Change Our Relationship?
The anticipation of drama, jealousy and relationship conflicts deter people from considering consensual non-monogamy even if they are inclined to it. A 2022 study found that those who are more apprehensive about non-monogamy display more “zero-sum thinking” about relationships, referring to the notion that one person’s gain comes at another’s expense. These beliefs lead to viewing non-monogamy as diminishing resources within the primary relationship, such as time, financial support and sexual access to each other.
A 2020 study found that consensual non-monogamists could experience greater sexual satisfaction, especially with a defined and mutually agreed upon goal to address their sexual incompatibilities, without affecting individual life satisfaction or relationship quality with their primary partner.
Vrangalova suggests taking baby steps toward non-monogamy when you are starting out and talking about sexual fantasies rather than shying away from them. “Opening up” the relationship also does not have to physically involve another person.
“You can invite what I like to call the ‘shadow of the third’ into your relationship through shared fantasies, conversations, shared porn consumption, going to ‘play parties’ but maybe to watch and trying out apps that specialize in non-monogamous connections,” suggests Vrangalova.
It is essential to remember that your relationship dynamic is completely up to the two of you and you can set the ground rules together. An honest, open dialogue to address concerns, feelings and needs can help create the experience you both desire.
If you’re reading this article, chances are that at some point in your life you’ve asked yourself the million dollar question: Am I gay? You might have even tried taking one of those gay quizzes online. If that’s the case, you’re not alone, and you’re in the right place.
More people are curious about their own sexualities now that queer visibility and representation have reached unprecedented heights. According to a recent study by the Cultural Currents Institute, Google searches by people questioning their sexuality and gender identity increased 1,300% from 2004 to 2023.
But even if pop culture increasingly celebrates queer people, it’s easy to forget that realizing you’re not straight can still be an anxiety-inducing and lonely experience. You might be worrying about what being gay, bi, pan, or some other non-heterosexual identity could mean for your relationships, your love life, or your wellbeing. On top of that, our more expansive understanding of sexuality and gender means even binary labels like “gay” or “lesbian” might not feel totally authentic to you.
If you’re curious, that’s a sign
First things first: the fact that you’re curious about your sexuality and asking questions is a sign itself.
Try to be honest with yourself about why you’re questioning your sexuality. You probably had an experience or a thought that triggered it; try to identify what that was and think through why you had it. “Most straight people, in my experience, take their sexuality for granted,” says Alex Jenny. “If you’re having a prolonged sense of curiosity about your sexuality, that is often a sign of something.”
Just having a singular moment of same-sex attraction or a queer sexual fantasy doesn’t necessarily mean you’re queer. Sexuality is a complicated thing, and everyone has thoughts and desires that don’t always fall into the bucket of whatever sexuality you identify with. But if you’re having prolonged, repeated thoughts and fantasies that can be called queer, it might be time to think about whether you yourself might be queer, in whatever form that might take — bi-curious, bisexual, pansexual, gay, lesbian, or otherwise.
It can also be helpful to differentiate between queer romantic feelings and queer sexual feelings. “Sexual attraction is very much like wanting to have sex with someone,” Kipling explains. “Romantic attraction is more about love and warm feelings and wanting to be around that person. It doesn’t have to include building a life with them.”
In other words, paying attention to how your body reacts physically to someone can be a good way of gauging whether you’re experiencing sexual or romantic attraction. Because our culture often conflates platonic, romantic, and sexual intimacy, you might just be experiencing an intense nonsexual crush. That doesn’t automatically rule out the possibility that you could be queer, of course, but it could be a first step towards exploring other facets of your queerness that aren’t just tied to sex.
Don’t rush to label your sexuality right away
It might feel tempting to take an online quiz or let an article like this one put a label on your sexuality. Many of us took “Am I Gay?” quizzes growing up hoping to dispel our worst fears, only to end up confirming them.
Although you should be skeptical of any “gay tests” on the internet, considering they’re extremely reductive and definitely not science-based, there are some online resources that could help you make better sense of your possibly-queer feelings. The Lesbian Masterdoc is a 30-page document that was published by then-teenager Anjeli Luz on Tumblr in 2018. It breaks down questions and feelings that lesbian-identifying people may have when questioning their sexuality. There are sections dedicated to explaining dynamics such as compulsory heterosexuality, which is the inherent assumption in society that everyone is heterosexual — an assumption that prevents people from exploring other alternatives.There’s no harm in reading documents like this, especially if you find that you identify with a lot of the material, but it’s important to keep in mind that this is only a snapshot of one queer person’s experience with their sexuality.
Finding a queer glossary could also be a good tool to get an idea of the immense spectrum of desires and identities that you might want to explore. The Gender Elephant is a flowchart by the Canadian Centre for Gender and Sexual Diversity that breaks down the difference between gender identity, romantic attraction, gender expression, and sexuality while acknowledging that all of those things exist across a spectrum.
“If these labels help you understand yourself better or help you find meaning around yourself and your identity, great,” Kipling says. “If not, also great.” You should only be using flow charts, quizzes, and other materials to the extent that they make you feel more at ease and valid in your feelings, but not if they make you feel boxed in.
Talk to queer people about what you’re experiencing
Another good place to start is to find a community, whether in a physical space like your local LGBTQ+ center or online. Talk to queer people about your thoughts and feelings, even if that feels scary or hard. They’ve likely been through some of what you’re facing, and can tell you how they themselves figured out their identity.
If you’re worried about discretion, try to find someone you can really trust with your questions, who you know won’t tell others about what you’re experiencing before you’re ready. If you can’t find someone like that in person, online communities and resources, like the Trevor Project’s TrevorSpace or the LGBT National Coming Out Support Hotline, can connect you with LGBTQ+ people who can help you make sense of what you’re feeling.
Talking to queer people is especially important because it allows you to understand that you’re not alone, and that your experiences don’t isolate you — they actually make you a part of an enormous network of people all over the world.
“You’re not going to necessarily relate to everybody’s experiences, but maybe there are little pieces of somebody else’s experience that you really resonate with,” Kipling says. On top of that, “there are people who are waiting to embrace you in the fullest sense.” When you are affirmed by others, embracing yourself gets a lot easier.
Coming out doesn’t always happen all at once
Coming to understand your identity can be an exhilarating experience, but it’s something that needs to happen at your own pace. If you do realize you’re not straight, you might begin to feel pressure to come out, but know that if coming out doesn’t feel right or safe for you, it doesn’t make you any less of a queer person.
“It’s also brave to keep yourself safe,” Jenny says. Instead of “coming out,” she prefers the term “coming in,” which gives us more agency. “‘Coming in’ is having discernment around who the people who are actually safe and want to celebrate and uplift your sexuality and my authenticity are,” she continues. “Those are the people who you can invite in.
Jenny likens sharing your sexuality to giving someone a delicate vase. You wouldn’t give something so fragile to someone who might be reckless with it, and you wouldn’t do the same with your identity.
It’s also perfectly okay to discern when and where you want to share your queerness. For example, if you decide to paint your nails at home but want to take them off to attend a family function, that’s totally fine. “When people are exploring their sexuality for the first time, they’re not immediately going to have the full queer lifestyle that they might be seeing on social media,” Jenny says.
The beautiful thing about being queer is that there are infinite ways to do so. “There are so many ways to express your authenticity, even if it’s just you alone in your room,” Jenny says. “It’s important to be okay with wherever you are in this moment.” From that authenticity grows an acceptance that you might not know or be confident in exactly who you are all the time — and that’s okay, too.
— It turns out every part of the narrative we’re taught about how desire works is not merely wrong, but wrongheaded
Young beautiful woman is kissing her boyfriend gently. Their eyes are closed. Couple is illuminated with bright multicolored lights.
By Emily Nagoski
When I first began having long(ish)-term sexual relationships during my college years I believed an old-fashioned narrative about how desire works. We’re told it’s all passion and “spark” early in a relationship, and that lasts a couple of years maybe. Then we have kids or buy a fixer-upper house or generally get busy with work and life, and the spark fizzles out, especially after 50, when apparently every hormone we ever had floats away on a sea of aging and we’re left, sexless and neutered, to hold hands at sunset.
Our options, we’re told, are either to accept the fizzling of our desire for sex or to fight against it, to invest our time, attention and even our money in “keeping the spark alive”.
Well, it turns out every part of that narrative is not merely wrong, but wrongheaded. A lot of books about sex in long-term relationships are about “keeping the spark alive”, and they too are wrongheaded. They’re so 20th century, with their rigid gender scripts and cringingly oversimplified ideas about sex and evolution.
I call this mess of wrongheadedness the desire imperative. The desire imperative says:
At the start of a sexual and/or romantic relationship, we should feel a “spark”, a spontaneous, giddy craving for sexual intimacy with our (potential) partner that might even feel obsessive.
The sparky desire we’re supposed to feel at the beginning of a relationship is the correct, best, healthy, normal kind of desire, and if we don’t have it, then we don’t have anything worth having.
If we have to put any preparation or planning into our sex lives, then we don’t want it “enough”.
If our partner doesn’t just spontaneously want us, out of the blue, without effort or preparation, on a regular basis, they don’t want us “enough”.
The desire imperative puts desire at the center of our definition of sexual well-being. It says there is only one right way to experience desire, and without that, nothing else matters. And so people worry about sexual desire. If desire changes or it seems to be missing, people worry that there’s something very wrong. It’s the most common reason couples seek sex therapy.
Here’s the irony of the desire imperative: does all that worry about “spark” make it easier to want and like sex? On the contrary, worry mainly puts sex further out of reach.
But there’s an alternative: center pleasure.
Desire is not what matters. Not “passion”, not “keeping the spark alive”.
Pleasure is what matters.
Center pleasure, because great sex over the long term is not how many orgasms you have or even how enthusiastically you anticipate sex, but how much you like the sex you are having.
Great sex over the long term is not how many orgasms you have but how much you like the sex you are having.
Spontaneous desire v responsive desire
A simple place to start changing how we think about desire and pleasure is understanding what sex researchers and therapists say about desire. They call the “spark” of the desire imperative “spontaneous desire”, and it is one of the normal ways to experience sexual desire, but it is not associated with great sex in a long-term relationship.
They also describe “responsive desire”, which is not a “spark” feeling but rather an openness to exploring pleasure and seeing where it goes. It often shows up as “scheduled” sex, where you plan ahead, prepare, groom, get a babysitter and then show up. You put your body in the bed, you let your skin touch your partner’s skin, and your body wakes up! It says: “Oh, right! I really like this! I really like this person!” Where spontaneous desire emerges in anticipation of pleasure, responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure.
Both are normal and neither is better than the other … but it’s responsive desire that is associated with great sex over the long term.
Not “passion”, not “spark”, but pleasure, trust and mutuality. That’s the fundamental empirical reason to center pleasure over spark.
Pleasure is sensation in context
Pleasure is the measure of sexual well-being – that is, whether or not you like the sex you are having.
So, what even is pleasure?
Well. Does a sensation feel good? How good? Does it feel bad? How bad?
That’s the whole thing. Pleasure is the simplest thing in the world, in the sense of declaring whether a sensation feels good or not. Next time you’re eating your very favorite food, notice what that pleasure is like – the food’s appearance, its texture, aroma and flavor. Notice what pleasure does to your body. Pleasure is simple …
But that doesn’t mean it’s always easy. We’ve been lied to about the nature of pleasure, just as we’ve been lied to about the nature of desire. We’ve been told that sexual pleasure is supposed to be easy and obvious, and if it’s not easy and obvious, then there’s something wrong. For some people, experiencing pleasure is like finding Waldo: so frustrating that you start to wonder why you’re even looking.
We’ve been told that pleasure comes from being touched in the right place, in the right way, by the right person, and if that touch, in that place, by that person, feels good some of the time but not other times, that’s a problem. These lies show up in movies and romance novels and porn, where the main characters may be running away from the villain or even just exhausted and overwhelmed by life, but Partner A touches the magic spot on Partner B’s body and it doesn’t matter what else is going on, Partner B’s knees melt and their genitals tingle.
If that’s how pleasure works for you, cool.
For the rest of us, pleasure isn’t about the right place on your body touched in the right way. It’s the right place, the right way, by the right person, at the right time, in the right external circumstances and the right internal state. In short: it’s sensation in the right context.
“Context” means both your internal state and your external circumstances.
A simple example of this is tickling. Tickling is not everyone’s favorite (though it is some people’s favorite!), but you can imagine a scenario where partners are already turned on, in a trusting, playful, erotic situation, and Partner A tickles Partner B and it feels good! But if those same partners are in the middle of an argument about, say, money, and Partner A tries to tickle Partner B, will that feel good? Or would Partner B feel more like punchin’ somebody in the nose than snuggling?
Any sensation may feel good, great, spectacular, just OK or terrible, depending on the context in which you experience it.
Pleasure is a shy animal. We can observe it from a safe distance, but if we approach too fast, it will run. If we try to capture it, it will panic. You have to build trust with your pleasure before it will allow you to observe it closely.
Pleasure happens when we feel safe enough. Trusting enough, healthy enough, welcome enough, at low-enough risk. Everyone’s threshold for “enough” is different, and it changes from situation to situation. But when we create that safe-enough context, our brains have the capacity to interpret any sensation as pleasurable.
Pleasure is not desire (though desire can be pleasurable)
Pleasure and desire are different systems in the brain. At the level of the emotional, mammalian brain, desire is known as “wanting” or “incentive salience”, and pleasure is discussed as “liking” or hedonic impact.
“Wanting”, in the brain, is a vast network of dopamine-related circuitry that mediates how motivated we are to pursue a goal. “Liking”, by contrast, is a set of smaller “hedonic hot spots” where opioids and endocannabinoids mediate how good a sensation feels.
Pleasure is stillness, savoring what’s happening in the moment. Desire is forward movement, exploring to create something that doesn’t currently exist.
Pleasure is a perception of a sensation. Desire is motivation toward a goal.
In a sense, pleasure is satisfaction and desire is dissatisfaction, because pleasure is enjoying an experience, while desire is motivation to pursue something different.
Consider the “wanting” involved in continuous, joyless scrolling on social media. You’re searching for something you can’t name, maybe for the reward of, at last, finding something that makes you feel good or that even confirms your worst fears. You want … something. But you’re not enjoying it, you’re just following the urge to keep looking. Desire without pleasure.
So far, so simple.
Where it can get muddy is in how desire feels. Pleasure, by definition, feels good. Desire per se is more or less neutral; it’s the context that makes it feel good or bad. I think people confuse desire for pleasure because desire sometimes feels good. Once we recognize that desire can also feel bad, we begin to understand both how desire and pleasure are not the same thing and why pleasure is the one that really matters.
How sexual desire feels
Anticipation, expectation, craving, longing – these are all ways of experiencing desire that can feel delightful and even ecstatic. But anticipation, expectation, craving and longing can also feel frustrating, irritating and annoying. Desire can be hope and optimism, but it can also be anxiety and fear.
Whether desire feels good or not depends on the context. All pleasure depends on the context.
If you have experienced desire, stop and recall a moment when it was pleasurable. Probably, the object of your desire, whether it was a lover or a new gadget or a tasty snack, seemed within reach, maybe you felt in control of whether or not you got what you wanted, maybe your desire was grounded in a promise someone made that filled you with anticipation.
The pleasurable version of spontaneous desire is, I think, why people get confused about the difference between pleasure and desire and why we might be convinced that “spontaneous” is the good, right, normal kind of desire. After all, it was “easy” – or at least, it happened out of nowhere – and it was fun.
But spontaneous sexual desire can feel terrible, too. Suppose you can’t figure out how to get closer to your object of desire, or the object of your desire is entirely out of reach or, worse, actively rejecting you, pushing you away. In that context, your ongoing desire can feel like a form of torture.
If you’ve wanted to want sex, you’ve experienced a different uncomfortable desire. Many people who struggle to let go of the “ideal” of spontaneous desire know how awful it feels to want something you can’t get, which is why it’s so important that we remind ourselves that it’s responsive desire, not spontaneous desire, that characterizes great sex over the long term. If you enjoy the sex you have, you’re already doing it right, and you’re allowed to stop trying to create spontaneous desire.
If we think only about the pleasurable experiences of desire, we end up using the words “pleasure” and “desire” more or less interchangeably. But they’re different; we know they’re different because of the brain science. And if pleasure always is pleasurable but desire is only sometimes pleasurable, doesn’t it make sense to center pleasure, and allow desire to emerge in contexts that maximize the chances that the desire will feel good?
Are you still worried about spontaneous desire?
If I wanted to spark controversy, I’d say there’s no such thing as a sexual desire problem, and all the news articles and think pieces and self-help books and medical research focused on a “cure” for low desire are irrelevant. The “cure” for low desire is pleasure. When we put pleasure at the center of our definition of sexual well-being, we eliminate any need to worry about desire.
But I’m not here for controversy, I’m here to make your sex life better. So I’ll just say: don’t sweat desire. If you’re worried about your partner’s low desire, ask them about pleasure. If you’re worried about your own low desire, talk to your partner about pleasure. Desire can be a fun bonus extra; it’s as important as simultaneous orgasms, which is to say, a neat party trick but not remotely necessary for a satisfying long-term sex life.
And yet. In my unscientific survey of a few hundred strangers, some people reported that what they want when they want sex is spontaneity:
“I hate talking about having sex before I have sex. Like if it can’t happen naturally, I kinda don’t want it.”
Oof, that word. “Naturally.”
If the idea of talking about sex, or making a plan before you have it, feels “unnatural”, I am here to acknowledge the reality that talking about sex might deflate spontaneous desire, but also to ask you to consider the possibility that planning sex can be part of the pleasure and that talking about sex is not just natural, it’s part of the erotic connection between you and a partner.
Pleasure happens when we feel safe enough, according to the author.
Maybe every sexual experience you’ve had in response to spontaneous desire has been better than any sex you’ve ever had in response to a plan. But did you really not plan before any of that great “spontaneous” sex? When you’re in a new or emerging relationship, do you not spend time daydreaming about a hot date, making plans for dinner or an adventure together, exchanging flirtatious texts, emails, phone calls, whispers? Hot-and-heavy, falling-in-love horniness is often accompanied by a lot of planning and preparation and, yes, even talking about sex in advance. Do you not spend time getting ready for it, grooming, dressing carefully, making sure you smell good?
Is that … “natural”?
The myth that the “natural” way to have sex is for it to be spontaneously borne of mutual horniness, without having to talk about it or make a plan? That’s the desire imperative. The desire imperative insists that without spontaneous desire, we don’t want sex “enough”. If we have to plan it, there’s a problem.
But consider what our lives are like. We schedule large portions of our days, often weeks or even months in advance. We fill our calendars with work and school and family and friends and entertainment. We fill our bodies with stress and a sense of obligation to others and to ourselves. We impose modern exigencies that don’t even create adequate opportunity for natural sleep, much less unplanned yet mutually enthusiastic sex.
I don’t expect you to believe me right away. I know you’ve been taught to worry about desire. It might even feel troubling or problematic to say that desire doesn’t matter. Maybe you’re thinking: What could you possibly mean, Emily, to not worry about not wanting it and just enjoy it instead? Are you telling me to enjoy sex I don’t want???
On the contrary! I’m saying: Imagine a world where all of us only ever have sex we enjoy. And anything we don’t enjoy, we just don’t do! We don’t do it, and – get this – we don’t worry about not doing it! When we put pleasure at the center of our definition of sexual well-being, sex we don’t like is never even on the table.
Modern relationships continually evolve. Many of us are shaping our relationships in non-traditional ways, moulding them to suit our personal preferences, desires, goals and situations rather than adapting ourselves to traditional relationship styles. For some people, this looks like polyamory or open relationships. For others, it might look like a queer platonic relationship (QPR), also known as a queer platonic partnership (QPP).
We spoke to two sex and relationships experts to understand what queer platonic partnerships are, what they involve, who typically enters this type of relationship, and the pros and cons.
What is a queer platonic partner?
Sex educator Erica Smith says a queer platonic partner is someone that you have a close intimate relationship with, and choose to do things together that are typically done by romantic partners: sharing a home, sharing responsibilities, considering each other to be family, maybe even raising children together. But the relationships are not romantic, and sometimes not sexual either.
“Often, people who consider themselves asexual or aromantic are in queer platonic relationships,” Smith says. Though, other queer people may decide to enter these types of partnerships too.
What are the benefits to having a queer platonic partner?
For many people, being part of a queer platonic relationship involves companionship, family, support, love, and “someone to share all the big life things including expenses with,” according to Smith.
Rebecca Alvarez Story, a sexologist and co-founder of sexual wellness brand Bloomi, adds that as society is evolving and starting to recognise and value different relationships, people are realising that there aren’t one-size-fits-all connections and are open to new experiences. Queer platonic partnerships provide space for all kinds of love and emotions just as a romantic relationship would. Sometimes that kind of love even serves them better, as there is less pressure.
Smith also notes that affordability might affect someone’s decision to enter a relationship like this. “So many people can’t afford rent or a mortgage these days, but being in partnership with someone makes things like housing more accessible. Some queer platonic partners may even choose to marry for the legal and financial benefits. In the U.S., this includes health insurance,” she explains.
Alvarez Story notes that the current cost of living crises in the UK, U.S., and Europe will contribute to this even more so. “The increasing cost of living and a need for the everyday benefits of a life partnership and community, such as co-parenting and financial sharing, might lead people to a queer platonic relationship.” This is especially true if someone finds themselves needing two incomes in a household to fulfill their life but are uninterested in pursuing sex or romance, such as asexual or aromantic people.
“After the COVID period, we have all gotten reminded of just how important socialising and having a reliable person nearby is, as well,” she adds.
Why are more people entering queer platonic relationships?
It’s hard to track exactly how many people are in queer platonic relationships, and it should probably stay that way (do we really need that much surveillance in our intimate relationships?) but it seems like they’re on the increase.
A quick scroll through your For You page on TikTok reveals a number of sweet stories of friends marrying without romantic love or sexual attraction in order to buy a house and raise children together, and we also see examples on our screens. Many look to Hannah and Elijah in HBO’s Girls as the purest example of an attempted queer platonic relationship, as the two LGBTQ+ characters agree to raise Hannah’s child together in the home they already cohabit, and frequently sleep in the same bed and cuddle, as romantic partners would, for comfort. Some even look to Marlin and Dory from Pixar’s Finding Nemo, who many suggest are queer-coded in their platonic cohabiting and raising of Nemo.
Smith says that more people, especially young people, are increasingly defining partnership for themselves outside the small boxes that have been presented to them. This is why you may have seen more queer platonic partnerships popping up lately on your Instagram feed, or portrayed in the media.
After all, why do we elevate romantic relationships above all other relationship structures? We know there have been societal and governmental incentives to be in monogamous marriage for centuries — but it’s 2024, and the way we look at partnership is finally shifting.
“Queer platonic partners challenge conventional ideas of what partnership is, and I think this is so appealing,” Smith says.
Are QPRs just for people who can’t find ‘real’ love?
There may be an assumption that those who have queer platonic relationships do so because they can’t find a “real” relationship, but this isn’t always the case. Some people have actively chosen to be part of a queer platonic relationship when traditional partners or relationships were available to them.
But Alvarez Story says this is very much a misconception. “Often those who identify as asexual or aromantic may be interested in engaging in queer platonic relationships. But, sometimes, people simply like the person and want to explore a deeper friendship that’s different from any other relationships they had in the past,” she says.
Queer platonic relationships don’t have specific rules and partners involved and those participating get to decide on how they want to engage and what type of commitment they are willing to have, so they’re a great fit for anyone who feels constrained by a more traditional relationship style. For a lot of people, shacking up with a friend is the definition of freedom.
Really, the choice to pursue friendship that looks a lot like a cohabiting relationship over “the real thing” shouldn’t come as a surprise. Internet discourse (and probably most real-life conversations too) has been rife with a shared disappointment with modern dating lately. 2021 research from Hinge shows 61 percent of the app’s UK users feel overwhelmed and fatigued when it comes to dating. Scroll through the “dating” search on X to see how visceral this exhaustion is. “Dating is actually a sick and twisted game,” writes one user. “This dating era is horrible,” writes another.
With so many of us feeling this tired, unhappy, and even depressed about dating, is it any wonder why some of us would rather commit to a life with a friend we love, trust, and feel confident we won’t tire of?
For some people, a queer platonic relationship doesn’t rule out sex or romantic love anyway. Some people in these set-ups will continue to date or have sex casually outside of the partnership, much like any open relationship.
The only reason anyone looks down on this type of relationship, according to Smith, is because society has elevated romantic partnerships as the most important kind of relationship there is, and “that kind of thinking runs deep!”
Are there any cons involved with a queer platonic relationship?
Smith notes that queer platonic relationships aren’t really legally recognized unless you have chosen to get married just as two people who are in love might, so this is something to keep in mind before pursuing a queer platonic relationship.
Additionally, Alvarez Story warns that sometimes queer platonic relationships can result in one-sided romantic feelings. “It might be that one partner develops deeper romantic aspirations or sexual desire towards their partner and this isn’t mutual. There can be jealousy and sadness if one partner engages in some type of relationship on the side.”
She adds that, in these cases, a partner might be bothered by other relationships (no matter whether there are any deeper romantic and/or sexual aspirations involved) in the way that there’s less time one can dedicate to their queer platonic partner.
For this reason, it’s important to make sure the two of you are 100 percent on the same page when entering a partnership of this nature, and that you stay open, communicative and honest in case feelings develop or change.
Just like any other relationship, a queer platonic partnership doesn’t have to be the be-all-or-end-all. As long as everyone involved is open and on the same page, you can try this type of partnership to see if it’s right for you and your pal. You might find it’s everything you ever dreamed of, or you might find yourself re-downloading the apps, or a bit of both.
Non-monogamy has been practiced in some circles for a long time, but recently, there’s been more curiosity about the topic.
According to Google data, the term “ethical non-monogamy” has seen more than a 250% increase in search traffic over the past year. A 2020 YouGov poll of 1,300 U.S. adults found that a third of respondents say their ideal relationship is non-monogamous to a degree. And more than 20% of single Americans have engaged in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lives, per a 2017 study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy.
“It’s not just a new fad,” polyamory educator Leanne Yau told HuffPost. “People have been doing non-monogamy for a very long time. I think people are just talking about it more now.”
So what does it mean exactly? Non-monogamy is an umbrella term that encompasses various relationship styles that are not sexually and/or romantically exclusive between two people.
Sarah Stroh, a non-monogamous writer and creator behind the @monogamish_me Instagram account, described it to HuffPost as: “Any relationship structure that is consensually and openly non-monogamous, meaning either — or more likely both — partners in a couple have romantic and/or sexual contact with people other than each other.”
You may have come across the term “ethical non-monogamy,” sometimes referred to as “ENM.” The word “ethical” has been used to differentiate these kinds of relationships — where all parties have talked about and agreed to the arrangement — from ones where cheating is happening.
“It’s not just a new fad. People have been doing non-monogamy for a very long time. I think people are just talking about it more now.”
– Leanne Yau, polyamory educator
But some experts take issue with the term, said Zachary Zane, a sex columnist and sex expert for Archer, a new dating app for queer men. In his book “Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto,” he explains the pushback from researchers, educators and activists in the space about use of the word “ethical.”
“They don’t like the term ‘ethical’ because it implies that non-monogamy is inherently unethical. Why else would you feel compelled to preface with ‘ethical’?” he writes in the book.
“It also holds non-monogamy to an unfair, higher standard than monogamy. Monogamous people constantly lie and cheat on their partners, and they don’t have to preface their behaviors with [being] ethical or unethical, so why do non-monogamous folks? Then, of course, many ENM relationships are not ethical. You can absolutely still be a piece of shit even when practicing ENM.”
Instead, many people prefer terms like “consensual non-monogamy” (CNM) or just “non-monogamy.”
There are four main types of non-monogamous relationships.
Some of the common relationship structures that fall under the non-monogamous umbrella include monogamish, swinging, open relationships and polyamory.
“Things can be very fluid between them, but broadly, I see them falling into four types,” Yau said.
Monogamish is a term that was coined by sex and relationships writer and podcast host Dan Savage, and refers to a predominantly monogamous relationship in which “sexual activity outside the relationship is seen as the exception rather than the norm,” Yau said.
“So, that might look like having a threesome on special occasions, or occasionally going to a sex party. Or if there’s a kink that you want to explore, telling your partner and then finding someone to indulge that with,” she explained.
Swinging is when couples have sexual experiences with multiple partners, typically (but not always) as a unit. It often involves swapping partners or engaging in group sex, among other types of sexual play.
“Swinging is something that couples do together, as in they sleep with other people together, and they engage with other singles and/or couples. So that might look like threesomes, foursomes, orgies, sex parties, that kind of thing,” said Yau, noting that the term “swinger” has fallen out of favor to a degree. Some people, especially those in younger generations, may prefer to say they’re part of “the lifestyle” instead.
An open relationship is typically one that is sexually non-monogamous, but romantically monogamous. (Previously, however, people used the term as a catch-all to describe any non-monogamous relationship, Yau noted.)
“So when someone says that they are in an open relationship, I take that to mean that they are only romantically dating one person, but both of them can have casual sex with other people, either separately or together, on the side,” Yau said.
Polyamory is the only form of non-monogamy “where you not only have sexual non-exclusivity, but also romantic non-exclusivity,” Yau said. In other words, you’re part of multiple loving relationships at the same time. This stands in contrast to the other non-monogamous relationships described above in which everything outside of the primary relationship is “kept strictly sexual or casual, however you define that,” Yau explained.
Many common assumptions about non-monogamy aren’t true.
Non-monogamy may be gaining traction but is still very much at odds with our monogamous cultural norms. Stigma and misunderstandings about these types of relationships persist. One common misconception: Non-monogamous relationships aren’t serious or lasting.
“My partner of over three years and I are non-monogamous and expecting a child in January,” Stroh said. “Non-monogamy is not just a phase or a structure for people who want something casual.”
Zane echoed a similar sentiment: “There’s this notion that ENM, specifically polyamory, isn’t sustainable long-term, meaning eventually, you and your partner(s) will break up,” he said. “Needless to say, that isn’t the case. There are poly folks who’ve been with their partners for decades.”
Some people mistakenly believe non-monogamy is cheating, which it’s not. In non-monogamous relationships, everyone should be aware, engaged and “enthusiastically participating,” Yau said. Honest communication, established guidelines and recurring check-ins are foundational here, just as they are in any healthy relationship.
“Non-monogamous relationships, just like monogamous relationships, require that everyone be aware and consenting,” Yau said. “It’s not the same as going behind someone else’s back and just kind of doing your own thing and having multiple partners without anyone knowing.”
“My partner of over three years and I are non-monogamous and expecting a child in January. Non-monogamy is not just a phase or a structure for people who want something casual.”
– Sarah Stroh, a non-monogamous writer
Another common misconception is that non-monogamy is just a last-ditch effort for couples trying to save their marriage.
“Of course, there are some folks who do attempt ENM as their relationship is failing, and the vast majority of the time, it does not save the relationship,” Zane said. “But that’s not the majority of folks who are ENM.”
In fact, if your relationship is in a bad place, introducing non-monogamy is probably only going to make matters worse, Yau said.
“Because non-monogamy requires quite a lot of security and confidence and trust in your partner in order to engage with it in a sustainable and healthy way,” she said. “A relationship that is on its way towards ending anyway is probably not going to be the best fit for that.”
Monogamous people may also assume that non-monogamous people are just inherently less jealous, which isn’t necessarily true.
“Non-monogamous folks are still human,” Zane said. “We still get jealous. We just — hopefully — address it better. Instead of lashing out at our partners, we admit that we’re feeling jealous and insecure, attempt to figure out the root of the jealousy and work together to find a solution.”
There also tends to be this assumption that at least one person in a non-monogamous relationship is being pushed into it against their will.
“Meaning, one partner would prefer to be monogamous but ‘can’t get their partner to commit to them,’” Stroh said. “Of course, these things are true sometimes for people who claim they are polyamorous, but it’s often not the case.”
This perception that one partner is being dragged into it and crying themselves to sleep every night is “really unfair,” Yau said.
“It portrays non-monogamous people as being selfish or toxic or abusive when we’re not interested in dating monogamous people, for the most part,” Yau said. “We want other people who fully accept and validate us and our desires.”
— I have no moral objection to infidelity. For me, sex is just sex.
By Kate Bailey
He and I had been friends in graduate school in New Orleans for seven months when we had sex for the first time. He was engaged at the time to someone else who lived in a different state. It was Mardi Gras, and the attraction he and I had for each other, combined with multiple beers, had exploded into consensual and sloppy intercourse.
Our mutual attraction had been evident for a while. Before Thanksgiving, we had walked along Lake Pontchartrain near my apartment and delicately talked around the issue. I took a submissive position; someone else had gotten to him first and there was nothing I could do about that. I would not try to break up his relationship.
But I told him as straightforwardly as I could that I had no moral objection to infidelity. That was the only way I could think to phrase it. Sex was just sex. I was basically communicating that if he wanted to have sex with me, I was going to enthusiastically approve.
I quickly mentioned that what did matter to me was his ability to take care of two women’s feelings at the same time. He looked down at his boots and said that he probably wouldn’t be able to do that.
Wrong answer, I thought.
But our attraction was so intense that we ignored the potential problems. We were already ignoring the fact that he was leaving the next day to go meet his fiancée. I reiterated my point about taking care of two women’s feelings, hoping he would understand it better and retroactively concur. Instead, he took it as me concluding that we should keep our pants on, and he closed the discussion.
“We shouldn’t,” he said.
Using the word “shouldn’t” instead of “can’t” or “won’t” only made our copulation seem more inevitable.
A few days after our Mardi Gras sex, he said he didn’t regret it but that we couldn’t do it again. Over the following two years we had sex sporadically, and unethically, in that his fiancée didn’t know about it. Each time, he would inform me a few days after that we shouldn’t do it again.
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None of this made sense to me. We enjoyed doing it — why the constant back and forth? I never expected him to leave his fiancée, but I did expect a certain amount of corroboration about reality.
This scenario also had me constantly questioning myself. Why didn’t I have any objection to infidelity? Why did it feel so natural sharing a man with another woman? Why did monogamy feel like the wrong option?
He and his fiancée never got married. I moved away. But we stayed close. It’s been almost a decade since graduate school, and he and I have not lived in the same state since. He has a partner and a family. I have a budding career in television and a busy social life. The last time we had sex was five years ago. (Ethically, that time!)
A while back, I texted him to see if he wanted to chat on the phone. I love talking on the phone and ask for it often. It was Monday. He said he was visiting his ill father but could do Friday. I agreed, but come Friday, he forgot. The business of travel and baby-needs and parental role-reversal had pushed me to the back of his mind. A lapse in care happens in all types of relationships. Someone’s feelings get hurt because there was a plan and someone else forgot. It’s normal.
But in these moments, with us, the level of effort needed to fix it can become confusing for the monogamist. If this scenario had happened with a wife, maybe there would be a short fight, followed by Uber Eats and a “Below Deck” binge. If this scenario had happened with a girlfriend, then perhaps flowers would be best to soothe the hurt. If it was with a friend, maybe just a recommitment to plans and a promise not to forget again.
But when he and I have a conflict or a disagreement, we can sometimes get jammed up trying to resolve it. Because I don’t use labels, and because he doesn’t know how to label me, it becomes easy for him to regress to a familiar scenario: I’m the side piece and he’s the unavailable object of my desire.
This impulse normally only lasts a moment while we untangle what it is we’re stuck on. And I don’t hold it against him. It’s hard to have a relationship with someone like me who doesn’t dress up her partners as recognizable personas. The anarchy makes people uncomfortable.
To me, all relationships are like those paper dolls we had as children. The figures are in their underwear and then you put different clothes on them for different occasions. The base level is the figure laid bare. The base level is vulnerability and intimacy. It doesn’t matter how you dress it up — mistress, relative, friend, girlfriend, husband, lover — the base stays the same. And if the base is good, it’s easy to understand how someone can start off in one set of clothes and end up in another. Some time ago, I just stopped using the clothes to label my relationships.
On the day he forgot to call me, he immediately apologized. When I told him my feelings were hurt, he speculated that it’s probably because I’m not satisfied with what he’s giving me.
Which took me back to that day at Lake Pontchartrain, wondering again if he, or anyone, can take care of two people’s feelings simultaneously.
So, I really considered it.
Is it possible that, in this case, his assessment was right? Is satisfaction a security that I don’t allow myself by living my life this way?
For most people, monogamy means that to have an intimate relationship with a different person, you must end the current relationship before you can start another. One at a time, that’s the rule.
He has had three long-term partners since I have known him. If I had to wait until he had no other partner, we would have missed out on this relationship, which is 90 percent TV jokes and “Mad Men” quotes. We never would have the pride it brings each of us when we make the other laugh out loud. Or argue about a movie one of us hates and the other adores. Or the gossip we share about people we know in theater.
He has listened to me cry about my career, which I never do with anyone else. I have talked him through his body insecurities and am able to successfully assure him that he’s still attractive. We push each other in our creative ambitions. I send him details of celebrity encounters, and he keeps me full of baby pictures.
And we fight. I make biting comments that are sometimes too sharp. He doesn’t text enough. He’s avoidant. I’m prickly, and bratty. He’s envious. I say the wrong thing. I brag too much. He’s neurotic. Actually, we’re both neurotic.
In other words, a regular relationship.
After considering his comment, I arrived back to where I normally live. I am no more satisfied and no less satisfied than I would be if I followed a more traditional relationship model. Dressing the doll up might make things more comfortable at times, but it wouldn’t be true to our experience. And if the price we must pay is occasionally having to think hard about it to make sure it’s still working — well, I’m willing to pay that small price.
I haven’t believed in monogamy since the grad school experience with him. It sent me down a path that has informed my life ever since. It means that I never think about romantic relationships in an aspirational way. It means that I get to keep my relationships with men and women for a long time, after the sex has dwindled, or as the connection morphs in and out of romance. It means that I get more than “just being friends with an ex.” It means the intimacy that I have with others blooms in a natural way.
I enjoy having diverse relationships, because that is the reality for so many people, even when they have no words to explain them. Many of those who are unconventional don’t have anyone to look to for answers. As a relationship anarchist, I have a responsibility to reflect unconventional truths and challenge social norms. It’s difficult to question relationship models that have been in our society for centuries, but if we don’t start talking about it openly, it will never get easier.
I’m a non-monogamous woman in many different relationships. He and I are still partners in life. Just not the way that most people understand partners, or life.
Sexual passion refers to the sexual desire individuals experience either independently or with a partner. It encompasses the intense emotional and physical attraction, excitement and arousal partners often feel towards each other in romantic or sexual relationships.
Sexual passion can vary in intensity and importance for different individuals and relationships. In relationships where mutual sexual desire holds significant importance, one’s “sexual passion style” has a vital influence on the well-being of the relationship.
A 2019 study suggests that there are three types of sexual passion that affect individuals and relationship outcomes in distinct ways. Here they are, along with their unique consequences for relationships.
1. Obsessive Sexual Passion
Obsessive sexual passion represents an intense preoccupation with sexual thoughts and desires, potentially to the detriment of other aspects of a relationship. Individuals with this style may prioritize sexual attraction and fulfillment over emotional connection, which can lead to relationship conflicts or dissatisfaction.
Here, an individual’s behaviors and sexual motivations feel externally controlled rather than driven by internal values, desires or autonomy. Often, the sexual norms or scripts they follow are shaped by environmental influences rather than authentic personal preferences. Such individuals may feel controlled by their sexual passion rather than in control of it. Unsurprisingly, the obsessive sexual passion style has been associated with compulsive levels of pornography consumption.
2. Inhibited Sexual Passion
Like the obsessive style, inhibited sexual passion is also primarily determined by external influences. This style is characterized by a suppression or inhibition of sexual desires and thoughts.
Individuals with inhibited sexual passion styles may experience difficulty or discomfort expressing their sexual needs or desires due to personal insecurities, societal pressures or past negative experiences. For instance, their sexual passion may be controlled by a fear of rejection or sexual stigma as a result of their upbringing. This inhibition can lead to a lack of sexual fulfillment and potentially strain relationship dynamics.
3. Harmonious Sexual Passion
Harmonious sexual passion signifies a healthy, balanced integration of sexual passion within a relationship. Unlike obsessive and inhibited types, this style is based on internal motivations while experiencing a strong desire for intimacy and connection with one’s partner.
Individuals with harmonious sexual passion styles view sexuality positively, are comfortable with and open about their desires while being respectful and attentive to their partner’s boundaries and preferences. The emphasis here is on a mutually satisfying sexual connection that complements the emotional bond within a relationship without becoming overpowering or detrimental.
Research shows that harmonious sexual passion is associated with lower levels of impulsivity and shyness. This style emerges when individuals consciously choose and internalize sexual norms, values and scripts that align with their sense of self.
Why Harmonious Sexual Passion Is The Best Kind
A harmonious sexual passion style is the healthiest approach for couples as it is driven by self-awareness, true consent and mutual respect. The understanding of one’s own sexuality and sexual desires makes sexual intimacy an empowering activity rather than a space of limited personal agency.
Additionally, researchers of the 2019 study found that harmonious sexual passion is consistently associated with higher levels of sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction, whereas inhibited and obsessive styles are associated with comparatively lower levels of both.
A 2022 study also found that in relationships where men had an obsessive style and perceived their partner as being inhibited, both partners experienced lower levels of sexual satisfaction and negative relationship outcomes.
Notably, according to a 2020 study, higher levels of obsessive and inhibited sexual passion are linked to insecure attachment styles, which refer to patterns of relationship behavior and emotional responses characterized by difficulties in forming trusting and stable connections with others. Research findings indicate that attachment insecurity is associated with lower levels of sexual satisfaction, while demonstrating that harmonious sexual passion is connected to reduced levels of insecure attachment.
Research also suggests that obsessive sexual passion is associated with a tendency for infidelity, an inability to delay gratification, instances of aggression, jealous behavior and intrusive thoughts about sex. In contrast, harmonious passion is associated with experiencing flow states, positive emotions, a higher quality of interpersonal relationships, mental flexibility and a lack of defensiveness or inner conflict.
Conclusion
A harmonious sexual passion style allows individuals to experience personal autonomy and express sexual desire based on internal value systems rather than conditioned attitudes that are not entirely their own. Cultivating harmonious sexual passion requires inner reflection as well as open communication with a partner regarding values, beliefs and desires related to sexuality. It is also essential to prioritize emotional intimacy and connection outside of sexual activities. This harmony not only enhances sexual satisfaction but also contributes to a healthier attachment style, fostering personal growth and laying the foundation for mutually fulfilling and enduring relationships.
— In her memoir, “More,” Molly Roden Winter recounts the highs and lows of juggling an open marriage with work and child care.
“In a place like Brooklyn, you would think there would be just more sexual freedom,” said Molly Roden Winter, “but it’s reserved for people who are not moms.”
For anyone prone to experiencing secondhand embarrassment, there’s a scene in Molly Roden Winter’s debut, “More: A Memoir of Open Marriage,” that should come with a warning.
Winter is at her home in Brooklyn. She has just had sex with her boyfriend while her two children sleep upstairs. Her husband, Stewart, consented to her tryst, but feeling guilty, she dashes naked into the kitchen to text him: Don’t worry, she writes, “he has nothing on you as a lover.” But instead of texting her husband, she accidentally sends the message to her boyfriend, who leaves in a huff, and later breaks up with her. Winter, devastated, begs her husband to come home to comfort her.
“I still get a little nauseous thinking about it,” said Winter, 51, who was sipping tea in the living room of her bright and airy townhouse in Park Slope, Brooklyn. “Talk about the cringiest, cringiest, most awful thing that could happen.”
It’s far from the only agonizing and breathtakingly candid scene in “More,” which documents Winter’s often turbulent experience of open marriage — the resentment and jealousy she felt toward her husband’s girlfriends, the flashes of guilt and shame, and the challenges of juggling her obligations as a wife and mother with her pursuit of sexual and romantic fulfillment.
Winter is keenly aware that people may judge her for the behavior she describes in “More.” But she also said she felt compelled to write about her experience, in part because she felt that non-monogamy is so often depicted as something happening on the fringes, not as a lifestyle that married moms pursue.
“I felt like there were no stories from the mainstream about it, and I felt very closeted,” Winter said. “It often feels like mothers are not supposed to be sexual beings.”
“More,” which Doubleday will release on Jan. 16, is landing at a moment when polyamory is drifting from the margins to the mainstream. About a third of Americans surveyed in a YouGov poll in February of 2023 said they preferred some form of non-monogamy in relationships.
Along with novels, TV shows and movies that depict throuples, polycules and other permutations of open relationships, there is a growing body of nonfiction literature that explores the ethics and logistical hurdles of polyamory. Recent titles include memoirs like the journalist Rachel Krantz’s 2022 book “Open: An Uncensored Memoir of Love, Liberation, and Non-Monogamy,” and self-help and inspirational books like “The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy,” “The Polyamory Paradox” and “A Polyamory Devotional,” which has 365 daily reflections for the polyamorous.
Jessica Fern, a psychotherapist who counsels people in open relationships, said Winter’s account adds a new layer to the growing catalog of nonfiction about polyamory.
“Her story, which is about what it means for a mother to be erotically charged, that story I haven’t seen enough yet,” said Fern, author of “Polysecure” and “Polywise.”
Fern noted that there might be a scarcity of books by moms in open marriages because they are simply too busy: “When you’re a parent and you’re polyamorous, who has time to write?”
Winter concedes that polyamory could be exhausting — particularly when she had to balance it with marriage, child care and working as an 8th grade English teacher.
“I did not sleep very much,” she said.
Opening the marriage wasn’t just about doing whatever — and whoever — she wanted, she said. She had to cast off internalized sexism and her tendency to put others’ needs before her own, issues she worked through in therapy. What began as sexual thrill-seeking led unexpectedly to self-discovery.
“I thought non-monogamy was going to be all about the sex,” she said. “I thought I was going on a big sexual adventure, and it was going to be super exciting. And it was, until it wasn’t.”
To be clear: “More” is also about the sex. Winter recounts her experiments with butt plugs, fisting and anal intercourse, and catalogs her extramarital relationships — which range from brief encounters in seedy hotel rooms to romantic partnerships that last for years — in meticulous detail. She changed the names of her and her husband’s respective partners to protect their privacy, but often leaves little else to the imagination.
There’s “Karl,” the generous German lover who seems intent on pleasing her in bed, then pushes her to have a threesome with him and his fiancé, then ghosts her. There’s “Laurent,” the French-Argentine lover who refuses to wear condoms and likes to have sex in public restrooms and co-working spaces — a fetish that gets Winter banned for life from a shared office space.
And there’s “Jay,” a 29-year-old with a shockingly large penis. After they have unsatisfying sex, Jay tells Winter he usually can’t orgasm from intercourse, but that he plans to masturbate to the memory of her. “You’re sweet,” she tells him.
Many of Stewart’s friends are skeptical of his open marriage, he said. “My male friends don’t know how to deal with it,” he said. “They think it’s like swingers, like we’re all sitting around in bathrobes with martinis.”
Winter grew up in Evanston, Ill., and was in her early 20s when she met Stewart Winter, the man she would marry. He made her laugh and was passionate about his work composing music for TV shows and movies.
In 2008, they had been married for nearly a decade and had two young sons when Winter met someone else. Frustrated after an exhausting day caring for their boys while he worked late, she took a walk one evening. A friend invited her to drinks, and at the bar she fell into a flirtatious conversation with a man.
When she told her husband later, to her surprise, he wasn’t mad. Instead, he urged her to sleep with her new acquaintance, and share the details.
After Winter started dating, it wasn’t long before Stewart also started seeing other women. Though she agreed it was only fair, she was consumed by jealousy and occasionally asked to close the marriage.
Stewart confirmed that open marriage was easier for him at first.
“Molly might have been more discerning than I was at that point,” he said, comparing his dating experience to being “at a salad bar.”
In the early years, many of her sexual exploits proved unsatisfying. At the time, most online dating sites didn’t cater to polyamorous people, so she sometimes resorted to dating men who were cheating on their wives and girlfriends. “Not my finest hour,” she said.
Some of her closest friends worried that she was sabotaging her marriage and that she would get hurt.
“I worried that she was leaning so heavily into the sex part that she was not really thinking about the emotional element,” said Rebecca Morrissey, a friend of more than 25 years, who added that her concerns faded when Winter started forming healthier relationships with her paramours.
Eventually, Winter swore off men who were cheating and began seeing people who were also in open relationships, a demographic that became easier to find when online dating services added non-monogamous to their menus. Even then, options were limited.
“There were so few people that I kept getting paired with Stewart,” she said.
“The bad sex taught me a lot more about what makes sex good,” Roden Winter said. “I also wanted to tell the truth about how hard it was.”
Winter and her husband struggled with when and how to tell their sons about their arrangement, and wanted to wait until their children were mature enough to handle it. That plan failed when their oldest son, then 13, saw his dad’s online dating profile on his laptop, and texted his mother in a panic, asking if they were in an open marriage. Her youngest son found out in a similar way a few years ago, when he was 14, she said.
By now, her sons, who are 19 and 21, are blasé about their parents’ sex lives. Her oldest has read her book, and told Winter he skipped some of the “nitty-gritty” sex scenes, while her youngest chose not to read it, she said.
It took a few years before Winter felt comfortable revealing the details of her open marriage to a larger circle of friends and family.
When she told her mother about her adventures in non-monogamy, she learned more about how her parents, who have been married for nearly 60 years, also had an open marriage.
Her parents, Mary and Philip Roden, were a bit uncomfortable with the intimate details their daughter shares in her memoir, but ultimately endorsed the book, they said in a video interview.
“For the most part, I totally approved of what she was saying,” Mary Roden said, though she noted that she was put off by “the raw sexual detailed descriptions.”
For his part, Stewart is enthusiastic about the memoir, but worries that people will think he manipulated his wife into opening their marriage.
“All my reservations, to be perfectly honest, are because I’m being selfish, wondering, how is this going to make me look?” he said.
“More” ends in 2018, when Winter’s boyfriend, whose wife had recently divorced him, broke up with her after she turned down his ultimatum to end her own marriage. Winter was heartbroken, but moved on, and has had other serious romances since.
She’s grown more confident that her marriage of 24 years has benefited from their outside relationships. She’s mulling another book about her open marriage — which will in part explore the surprising connections she’s formed with the “other women” in her life, including Stewart’s girlfriends and the wives of the men she dates.
For now, Winter is bracing herself for the impact the book will inevitably have on her and those around her — but she seemed undaunted.
“I’ve been spending a lot of my time calming everybody else down,” she said. “This doesn’t feel like something I need to be afraid of.”
— The half-male half-female Green Honeycreeper joins the ranks of genderqueer lionesses, the “Leaping Lesbian Lizard,” and other “drag queens in the sky.”
Hamish Spencer, zoologist and Distinguished Professor at the University of Otago, was on holiday in Colombia when ornithologist John Murillo drew his attention to a striking bird at a bird-feeding station in a nature reserve. Save for a few feathers here and there, this Green Honeycreeper seemed to be neatly divided down its middle with brilliant blue plumage – resembling males of the species – on its right side, and green plumage – observed in females – on its left. The two watched this bird between the end of 2021 and mid-2023, observing its behavior in relation to other members of its species. As their report notes, this bird is only the second example of “bilateral gynandromorphism” in this species – a trait where animals present with both male and female characteristics in species that usually have distinct sexes.
This “extremely rare,” half-male and half-female bird soon made headlines. After all, it was the first record of this phenomenon in this species in over a 100 years. But this sighting also reiterated what some scientists have long been pointing to – that our understanding of sex as a biological binary of male and female may, in fact, be a simplistic reduction of a far more complex reality.
“Many birdwatchers could go their whole lives and not see a bilateral gynandromorph in any species of bird,” Spencer said in a statement. While considered rare, this trait has previously been observed in spiders, bees, butterflies, lizards, and stick insects among others. Scientists have also found these seemingly gender binary-defying individuals in other bird species, such as the northern cardinal (a non-binary icon, according to X) and the rose-breasted grosbeak. The northern cardinal even inspired Pattie Gonia, an environmental drag activist, to create a look based on it. “We see queerness and gender queerness demonstrated in birds like the [chimera] cardinal so vividly… Birds are drag queens in the sky,” Gonia told Audobon Magazine.
In its most simplistic form, sex in humans seems to hinge upon the presence or absence of the Y chromosome, which determines the reproductive organs one possesses. Sex, according to this understanding, casts individuals as either male or female and is one of the foundational pillars upon which our society has been constructed – prescribing roles, granting opportunities, and determining whose rights are championed and whose sidelined. But several scientists have pointed out that sex as a binary is false. Arthur Arnold, a biologist at the University of California, Los Angeles, told Scientific American in 2018, “The main problem with a strong dichotomy is that there are intermediate cases that push the limits and ask us to figure out exactly where the dividing line is between males and females… And that’s often a very difficult problem, because sex can be defined a number of ways.” That is, sex in humans (as in animals) is far more complex.
Agustín Fuentes, a professor of anthropology at Princeton University, pointed to emerging research data that shows how binary explanations of human sex “are either wholly incorrect or substantially incomplete.” Biology has been wielded as a tool to exclude queer people. Fuentes writes, “Given what we know about biology across animals and in humans, efforts to represent human sex as binary based solely on what gametes one produces are not about biology but are about trying to restrict who counts as a full human in society.”
Look to the natural world and countless examples emerge to challenge the fallacies around sex, gender and sexuality. These examples call into question what humans have long considered “natural.” It is an idea inherent in the field of queer ecology that draws upon the ecofeminist movement and expands it beyond binary thinking, instead championing a more fluid and diverse understanding of the world, and our relationship with it. Nature, as countless species show, is queer.
Take the clownfish, for instance. They live in groups where only two – the dominant male and female are mates. When the female dies, the male changes its sex to become female before selecting the next male from the group to become its mate. Male bearded dragons, meanwhile, reverse their sex under warm temperatures to become female while still within the egg. Banana slugs are “simultaneous hermaphrodites” – they possess and use both their male and female reproductive organs to mate with a partner or even themselves. In Botswana, five gender-queer lionesses alarmed scientists when they grew a mane and developed male-like behaviors, including a deeper roar and mounting other females. Then there is the New Mexico lizard, which is a species that entirely comprises females. They mate, lay eggs and reproduce like others. According to scientists, this is a form of asexual reproduction known as parthenogenesis. Just like the “non-binary” cardinal, this lizard – also referred to as “Leaping Lesbian Lizard,” also became a queer icon, inspiring not only art, but even a Pokémon and the name of a college frisbee team.
A key way in which nature challenges the heterosexual ideal is through the sheer prevalence of same-sex behavior. Homosexuality, reports say, has been documented in 1500 species – from dolphins and giraffes to penguins and starfish. It’s ironic when viewed historically, where the supposed absence of homosexuality in animals has been used time and again to fuel homophobia and deem homosexuality a “crime against nature” itself. The emperor penguin, for instance, was lauded by American conservatives as upholding traditional family values after a film depicted them in monogamous relationships. Penguins, however, may be socially monogamous, but aren’t so sexually, Eliot Schrefer, author of “Queer Ducks (and Other Animals): The Natural World of Animal Sexuality,” wrote in The Washington Post. Some may even be bisexual, Schrefer noted. Just last year, a pair of male penguins successfully fostered an egg at the Rosamund Gifford Zoo in New York, while in 2019, another pair of male penguins at the Berlin zoo co-parented an abandoned egg after having attempted to hatch stones and even a dead fish.
Same-sex behavior across species also challenges the prevailing notion that sex in the natural world only occurs for the goal of reproduction. Instead, there are many reasons for same-sex behavior – from building social bonds and resolving conflict to simply gaining pleasure. Recently, a lot more research has emerged on same-sex relationships in nature, perhaps due to changing gender norms. In the past, observations of same-sex behavior had scientists either decrying it as “depravity” or avoiding publishing findings, due to their own biases or to prevent disapproval from the scientific community, noted Schrefer.
As Ingrid Bååth wrote in Climate Culture, “Not only does our understanding of nature become the baseline for what we believe to be natural, but also what we believe to be moral or good behaviour… We interpret nature based on our inherent biases and use our biased understanding of nature to defend and justify those societal biases we have.”
These biases stem from predominantly Western notions of gender and sexuality that have been imposed upon the human and nonhuman worlds, Willow Defebaugh noted in Atmos. It creates dualities of “opposing” categories – pitting humans against nature, man against woman – separating one from the other in a power hierarchy. “Binary thinking, in any form, is rooted in a Western colonial view of the world in which one must always be subjugated by the other,” Katy Constantinides wrote for Climate Policy Lab.
A queer ecological framework, on the other hand, shows us that there is no one way to be masculine or feminine and that these categories may not exist in nature as we know it. It positions humans as a part of nature rather than distinct from it, leveling the power dynamics from an extractive to a community-oriented one. Nature is fluid, queer, and resists categorization as per human cultural perceptions and biases. As queer ecologists point out, acknowledging that may be the first step to repairing our relationship with the natural – as well as human – world.
If you and your significant other suddenly feel a bit distant—whether it’s due to a post-honeymoon dip in excitement or the wedge of chaotic work schedules—it’s easy to spiral about the relationship’s fate, and Google: How long is too long to go without sex? There, you’ll find plenty of articles that attempt to answer your question—including this one—but the reality is, there is no way to hack to the nuanced form of connection that is human sexuality.
Sex is one of the most universal pillars of well-being and relationships. It contributes to emotional intimacy, bonding, and “overall life satisfaction,” explains Juliana Hauser, Ph.D., a sex and marriage therapist and member of Kindra’s Advisory Board. However, the importance of sex—and what it looks like—varies among individuals and couples.
Still, with the help of experts, we took our best crack at better understanding dry spells, not wanting sex, or even wanting sex at different times. Keep reading for tips on how to enhance sexual connection, and to for our answer the ever-elusive existential question:
How long is too long without sex in a relationship?
“I don’t believe there’s a universal timeline,” says Hauser. “Every relationship is unique, and factors like life changes, overall stress, time constraints, physical and mental health, and communication styles, among many other factors, all play into the opportunity and desire for sexual connection.”
As a sex and relationship therapist, Hauser adds that she’s seen a variety of timelines work for her clients. “If there is mutual satisfaction within the relationship, there’s no arbitrary time frame that defines a healthy sexual connection,” she says.
On the flip side, Tatiana Rivera, L.I.C.S.W., a clinical and social work therapist with ADHDAdvisor.org says if she had to put parameters around it, on average, a “dry spell” could be defined as going without sex or any form of sexual contact for two to six months. But Hauser prefers not to use the term “dry spell” at all, “as it can use feelings of guilt, shame, or inadequacy, which only makes things worse,” she says, adding: “I see a lack of sexual connection in a relationship as a concern only when it causes distress or dissatisfaction for one or both partners.”
An important sidebar: Hauser prefers the term “sexual connection” as opposed to just “sex” when having this discussion, because there are many ways to engage in it outside of penetrative sex, “such as giving each other massages, a passionate kiss, sensual snuggling, and more,” she says. “In many cases, having long talks beneath the covers or sharing a deep conversation over dinner can feel incredibly sexually stimulating and that all counts in my book.”
Hauser continues: “What’s important is to define what each person needs to feel an intimate connection and to be intentional about cultivating those moments.” The catch is, those needs will likely be ever-changing. “What feels connected and intimate one week may look different the next, and committing to the journey with your partner while keeping communication front and center is more important than the acts themselves,” she adds.
How much sex is healthy in a relationship?
“It’s perfectly normal and expected for sexual patterns and frequency to change over time,” says Hauser. However, as a frame of reference, one 2017 study found that the average adult had sex 54 times per year, which is about once a week. Another 2015 study found that near-weekly frequency led to the greatest happiness in couples. “There are many scientific investigations establishing that healthy intimacy occurs two to three times a week,” adds Rivera.
If your sex life doesn’t match up to these numbers, you shouldn’t feel behind, because, again, every couple is different. “Couples I admire and believe are mutually supportive of each other, while maintaining a strong sense of self, find a balance that fulfills both partners’ needs and desires, and encourages and supports an open dialogue,” Hauser says.
Reasons you’re not having sex
Dips in libido can often be attributed to work, family, health, or life changes like menopause, explains Hauser. “What matters most is the quality of intimacy and the emotional connection shared by the couple,” she adds.
How to improve your sex life
If your quality of life becomes affected by a fluctuating sex life, Hauser and Rivera say it’s a good idea to create a plan of action. Here are some of their tips:
Communicate openly
If you’re dissatisfied sexually, your partner can’t know that unless you verbalize it, which, yes, is easier said than done. “What I find to be essential is open and honest communication about desires, needs, and expectations,” says Hauser. If you’re on the receiving end of concerns, it’s also important to show patience, empathy, and understanding, while also advocating for your needs, she adds.
Try the four quadrants exercise
One of Hauser’s favorite exercises for communication about sex is what she calls the four quadrants exercise, which can help you explore your sexual fantasies as a couple. Divide a piece of paper into four and label the quadrants as follows: 1. Things I have done and would like to do again, 2. Things I have done once and would not do again, 3. Things I have not done and would like to try, 4. Things I have not done and do not want to try.
“Fill it out separately, then discuss your lists together. Keep an open mind and maybe you’ll feel excited about trying something new, or can agree to discontinue something you both aren’t enjoying,” she says.
Tap into all of your senses
Again, sexual connection doesn’t always have to look a specific way. “I love guiding clients to explore their senses and sensuality outside of traditional sexual connection in order to reboot,” says Hauser. “Think of the senses you have access to and incorporate time in your day to reconnect with the smells, tastes, and sights that bring you joy, that keep you in the present moment, and that light you up. It’s amazing how powerful this practice can be.”
Develop a sexual toolbox
Kindra-Harris poll that surveyed women over 50 found that more than half of them keep a “sexual toolbox” equipped with lubricants, toys, and other products that help make sex as enjoyable and pleasurable as possible. “Menopause is one of the most common causes of a ‘dry spell’ in a couple’s relationship,” says Hauser. “Over half of women experience vaginal dryness after menopause, which can make sexual connection downright painful. If this resonates, I’d recommend trying a daily vaginal moisturizer like Kindra’s Daily Vaginal Lotion, as well as a lubricant during intimacy.”
Seek out a sex therapist
Lastly, if you try all of the above and a lack of intimacy persists, becoming a source of frustration, Hauser recommends seeking guidance from a sex therapist or other professional who can provide valuable insights catered to your relationship.
— The sensation of attraction in those who experience it can feel powerful and mysterious, but researchers have learned some illuminating things about how it works.
The feeling of being attracted to someone involves your physical senses, your hormones, your nerves, and even your immune system. It can be sparked by a wide variety of cues, from the shape of another person’s face to the particular way they smell. Keep reading for a more detailed look at what science can tell us about the factors that may draw two people who experience romantic and/or sexual attraction together.
The Science Of Attraction: The Basics
To start, let’s take a closer look at what’s actually happening in your body when you feel that first rush of attraction to someone else. The initial surge of excitement appears to involve a complex balancing act between the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems. The sympathetic system is the “fight-or-flight” mechanism, and it’s what makes your heart race and your pulse pound when you’re looking at someone you desire.
Research suggests that a moderate amount of sympathetic nervous activity may be necessary for the initial stages of arousal, but that too much or too little can suppress desire. This might explain why watching a scary movie when you know you’re safe can be a fun date night, or why activities that make your heart race can increase feelings of attraction. The parasympathetic system, then, is more associated with relaxation and pleasure. It’s involved in many of the physical changes in the body during sex, such as genital swelling and releasing of sexual fluids.
The early stages of arousal also often cause your blood to pump faster and your pupils to dilate. They may increase your skin’s conductivity too, which is perhaps why attraction can feel so electric. Then, as two people become better acquainted and their intimacy deepens, dopamine-mediated pathways in their brains may become more active. These systems are associated with rewards, habit formation, and even addiction, and they may be what prompts people who are falling in love to obsess over their partners and feel a rush of pleasure just from being near them.
Specific Factors Involved In Attraction
Extensive research has been done into why people are more attracted to some individuals than others. While there’s still plenty to learn, you can read on for an overview of some key research in this area.
The Role Of Immediate First Impressions
We’ve all seen cartoons or movies where a person spots someone they find good-looking and their jaw drops and eyes widen, conveying instant attraction. Though it doesn’t normally happen quite like this, research suggests that our brains do make very rapid judgments about who we find attractive.
In a study conducted at Trinity College in Dublin, researchers briefly showed participants images of possible dating partners. Later, they were given the opportunity to actually interact with the people in the photos during a speed-dating event. Their snap judgments during the four seconds they spent looking at the photos turned out to be good predictors of who they would go on to click with in conversation.
Brain scans pointed to two areas that seemed critical for making these judgments about attractiveness. One is a structure called the paracingulate cortex, which appears to be involved in social evaluation. It tended to light up when viewing photos of people that the majority of participants rated as attractive. Another area, the rostromedial prefrontal cortex, seemed to activate more for people that weren’t attractive to the majority but sparked a particular viewer’s interest.
The Role Of Eye Contact
While a quick glance at another person’s face may be enough to spark attraction, a long, soulful gaze may be important for deepening it. Prolonged eye contact can provoke an experience of intimacy and vulnerability that may be important in forming interpersonal bonds. In a pair of studies conducted in the 1980s, one found that those who exchanged a mutual, unbroken gaze with a participant they didn’t know for two minutes reported a “greater liking” of them than any of the other subjects. The other indicated that existing romantic partners who were assigned the same task reported a “significant increase in feelings of passionate love, dispositional love, and liking for their partner”.
In a related study, researcher Arthur Aron developed a series of 36 increasingly intimate questions that a pair of strangers could ask one another to generate a sense of closeness, which they were to follow by four minutes of prolonged, silent eye contact. His goal was to figure out how to craft the sense of intimacy that can make strangers fall in love. In this initial study, participants left with more positive feelings for each other—and one pair famously went on to get married.
The Role Of Scents
There seems to be a lot more to the science of attraction than visual appeal; smell appears to be another important piece of the puzzle.
Research suggests that, while humans were long considered to have an underdeveloped sense of smell compared to many animals, pheromones may actually play “an important role in the behavioral and reproduction biology of humans”.
Pheromones are chemicals humans naturally secrete that may serve as a form of “olfactory communication”, especially when it comes to attraction.
For instance, androstadienone, a compound present in male sweat, seemed to improve the mood, emotional focus, and sexual arousal of heterosexual women in some experiments. Meanwhile, chemicals called copulins that are found in vaginal secretions seem to provoke higher ratings of female attractiveness to heterosexual males. Copulins also caused men to rate themselves as more attractive to women, suggesting that they might play a role as confidence boosters.
>Another potential component of scent-based attraction may be the immune system. Some studies have indicated that heterosexual women may be more likely to be attracted to the body odor of men whose genes for certain types of immune cells are different from their own. There could be an evolutionary advantage in this behavior, because a child with more diversity in their immune system may be able to fight off a greater variety of diseases.
Attraction And Fertility
From an evolutionary perspective, all sexual behavior is aimed at producing offspring. That may be why studies have found that people of multiple genders find women’s faces more attractive when they’re ovulating. There appear to be subtle changes in appearance associated with this part of the menstrual cycle that can be detected even in photos. Another experiment showed a similar effect on body odor, with men preferring the smell of women’s clothes during the most fertile part of their cycles. Even women’s voices may shift during ovulation, sounding more attractive to heterosexual men.
Similarly, experiments suggest that women’s preferences for more masculine facial shapes and their corresponding body odors change with their cycle. Heterosexual women might be more likely to feel attraction in response to symmetrical faces and masculine-coded looks when their fertility is at its peak. However, these preferences appeared to be strongest when considering people for short-term relationships; fertility didn’t appear to have an effect on perceptions of possible long-term partners.
If the menstrual cycle can affect perceptions of attractiveness, however, can birth control pills do the same? There is some evidence that by changing the body chemistry of ovulation and menstruation, hormonal birth control can affect a person’s preferences for romantic partners. Scientific evidence on the topic includes:
Its effects on facial feature selection: A study of 170 heterosexual couples found that women taking birth control pills were more likely to pair up with men whose faces were less stereotypically masculine.
Its effects on selection for body odor: Other experiments found that heterosexual women’s preferences for male body odor depended on whether they were using hormonal contraception.
Its effects on sexual satisfaction: There’s even evidence suggesting that some women who start or stop using birth control pills during a relationship could be more likely to become less sexually satisfied and less attracted to their current partner.
Getting Support For Your Romantic Life
If you’re facing challenges in dating or in your romantic relationships, you may benefit from professional support. Many people find that meeting with a therapist is a helpful way to uncover patterns of attraction, sort through emotions related to a partner, and develop useful dating and relationship skills such as boundary setting and conflict resolution. A cognitive behavioral therapist in particular can also help you unearth any distorted thoughts you may have about your own attractiveness or ability to form relationships and shift them in a healthier direction for better potential outcomes.
If the thought of meeting with a provider in person for support with your romantic life seems awkward or intimidating, you might consider seeking guidance virtually instead. With a virtual therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed provider who you can meet with via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging from the comfort of your home. Since a comprehensive analysis of past studies including more than 10,000 participants concluded that there was “no difference in effectiveness” between face-to-face and web-based counseling, you can feel confident in whichever method you choose.
Takeaway
Romantic and sexual attraction may involve countless subtle factors, from the sound of a person’s voice to the makeup of their immune system. The initial spark can happen in a matter of seconds, while lasting intimacy and compatibility take more time to develop.
Why do I feel so drawn to someone I barely know?
Although “love at first sight” may not always happen in real life, scientific research has found that we tend to judge people’s attractiveness quickly based on first impressions. For example, in the Trinity College study mentioned earlier in this article, scientists led an experiment to study the role of first impressions in attraction. They briefly showed participants pictures of potential partners before letting them interact at a speed dating event. They found that people’s brain activity from seeing the photos for just four seconds tended to predict who they would connect with during the actual date. This may explain why it’s possible to feel instantly attracted to someone you don’t know very well.
What causes strong physical attraction?
Certain features of people’s bodies, like facial symmetry and youthfulness, can play a role in physical attraction, but physical beauty is not the only component. Chemicals like sex hormones, pheromones, and neurotransmitters can also cause you to become physically attracted to someone. Although these factors may not be consciously noticeable, they can play a large role in sexual desire and perceptions of physical attractiveness.
Can you sense when someone is attracted to you?
Although there may not always be an easy way to tell if someone finds you attractive, a few physical cues that may be signs of interest include:
Using open body language
Maintaining eye contact
Seeking physical touch
Smiling
Asking you about yourself
Looking for ways to spend more time with you
That said, it can be important to avoid making assumptions about someone’s interest, as different people may show attraction in different ways.
How do you know if you’re actually attracted to someone?
Some common physical signs that you may be attracted to someone include:
Jitters or restlessness
Blushing
Sweating
A rise in body temperature
Rapid breathing or a rapid heartbeat
If you’re attracted to someone, you may also experience feelings of anticipation or excitement. You might notice a desire to spend more time with them or find yourself thinking about them often. Spending more time with them can also provide insight into your level of attraction. That said, not everyone may experience attraction the same way.
What happens in your brain when you are attracted to someone?
When you’re attracted to someone, certain brain regions, like the hypothalamus, the nucleus accumbens, and the ventral tegmental area, tend to activate. This can cause the release of oxytocin, the so-called “cuddle hormone,” and other chemicals related to physical desire and sexual gratification. Growing closer to someone can also trigger dopamine release, leading to feelings of pleasure and making you want to spend more time with them. Serotonin and norepinephrine, two other chemicals, may be responsible for the sense of well-being and excitement you might feel when you’re together.
These are just a few examples of the role the brain can play in attraction.
Why do we fall in love scientifically?
A complex set of factors can contribute to feelings of romantic love.
It may be worth remembering that humans originally evolved to find romantic partners to reproduce and raise offspring with. Therefore, initial attraction is often tied to a partner’s fertility and the survival chances of their potential offspring.
Through spending time with a possible partner and getting to know them better, other factors may come into play, such as personality traits, interests, and common principles. Hormones, pheromones, cultural norms, and timing may also play a role over the course of a romantic relationship. That said, love can be highly individual, and not all these factors may affect people the same way.
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