Category: LIFESTYLE / RELATIONSHIP

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Gay, lesbian and intersex whales

— Our queer sea has much to teach us

The sighting near Hawaii in 2022 of a male humpback whale penetrating another male has been confirmed in a new study.

The first documented sex between two male humpback whales is just the latest challenge to our presumptions about sexuality

By

Whales are extraordinarily sensuous creatures. Those blubbery bodies are highly sensitive, and sensitised. At social meetings, pods of sperm, humpback and right whales will roll around one another’s bodies for hours at a time. I’ve seen a group of right whales engaged in foreplay and penetration lasting an entire morning.

I have also watched a male-female couple so blissfully conjoined that they appeared unbothered by our little fishing boat as they passed underneath it. And in what may sound like a career of cetacean voyeurism, I have also been caught up in a fast-moving superpod of dusky dolphins continually penetrating each other at speed, regardless of the gender of their partner.

That’s why this week’s report of the first scientifically documented male-to-male sexual interactions between two humpback whales off the coast of Hawaii is not surprising.

The remarkable image of a two-metre whale penis entering another male “leaves little room for discussion that there is a sexual component to such behaviour”, as one whale scientist, Jeroen Hoekendijk at the Wageningen Marine Research institute in the Netherlands, notes drily.

In fact, one of the whales was ailing and there has been speculation that the encounter may not have been consensual or that the healthy whale was actually giving comfort to the other. Whatever the truth, such “flagrant” acts also expose many of our human presumptions about sexuality, gender and identity.

Off the north-west Pacific coast of the US, male orcas often leave family pods to rub their erections against each other’s bellies. But females have also reportedly been seen engaging in sexual contact with one another, too.

Indeed, the graphic accounts of male-to-male behaviour may mask many “unseen” female-to-female sexual interactions.

Dr Conor Ryan, an honorary research fellow at the Scottish Association for Marine Science, notes: “It’s easy to visibly identify male ‘homosexual’ sex when an extruded penis can be two metres long.” It is less easy to diagnose when female sperm whales are seen “cuddling”, as Hoekendijk observes.

A humpback whale’s penis entering another male. Same-sex behaviour has often been observed in cetaceans.

Ryan has often witnessed same-sex behaviour between whales and dolphins. “I am interested in the things that we miss,” he says. He has recorded competitive behaviour by humpback whales in groups that seemed to be typically male, such as pursuing other whales.

But they proved, from DNA samples, to be genetically female. He speculates that humpback females may even use whale song – hitherto thought to be the province of mating males.

“If I were a female being harassed by horny males, maybe I would sing too,” says Ryan. “To attract more females, to take attention off me, while masquerading as a male.”

These observations throw up new ideas about the way these animals behave. Whale society is almost overwhelmingly matriarchal. Female sperm whales, for example, travel in large groups – sometimes thousands strong – in which males are only “useful” for their sperm, visiting the groups briefly, then leaving the females to their own society.

Male-oriented science has in the past made various judgments regarding sexual behaviour. But the idea of lesbian whales should not be surprising. Ryan even cites the case of a “non-binary” beaked whale, which was discovered to have both male and female genitalia.

Even identifying as a species can be fluid for cetaceans. In 2022, near Caithness in Scotland, a bottlenose dolphin was found to be identifying as a porpoise, swimming with a pod of porpoises and using their vocalisations. In one of the great queer pairings of the 20th century, Virginia Woolf referred to her lover, Vita Sackville-West, as “my porpoise”.

We cannot know how whales and dolphins themselves regard genital interactions. But in most cases they appear to enjoy them – without, perhaps, the preconceptions we humans as a species have historically projected upon such behaviour. They may make great clickbait on social media, but they have an important relevance for us, too.

When the Canadian biologist Bruce Bagemihl published his book Biological Exuberance: Animal Homosexuality and Natural Diversity – listing 450 species exhibiting such behaviour, including whales and dolphins – it was used in evidence in a US supreme court case in 2003 that struck down, as unconstitutional, homophobic “sodomy” laws being used in Texas.

It is telling, too, that the best-known work of literary fiction written about whales, Herman Melville’s 1851 novel Moby-Dick, is a decidedly queer book. Melville conflates the queerness and diversity of his characters – his narrator, Ishmael, is declared married to his shipmate, the multi-tattooed Queequeg, based on a Māori warrior – with the mysterious sensuality of the whales he is describing. He even spends an entire chapter describing a whale’s foreskin, with joyful innuendo.

The sea itself seems to be a queer place, where gender is at best a slippery notion at times. Slipper shells stuck together on the beach, which you might find when beachcombing, are in fact changing sex, from female at the bottom to male at the top. Cetaceans’ genitals are concealed, in any case, in genital slits. Sleek and streamlined, it is as if bothersome sexual definitions were overtaken by the sheer beauty of wondrous hydrodynamics.

So much of what we project on to whales and dolphins is about our own complexes. They seem to lead a free and easy life. They may not possess hands to manipulate, but they have the biggest brains on the planet, and highly sensual bodies to match. Having been around for millions of years, it is tempting to imagine their long-evolved existence as one that is beyond all the things that seem to hold us humans back.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Stress of Being Outed to Parents and Caregivers

— What Are the Mental Health Consequences?

‘Policymakers should be aware of the harms that bills targeting LGBTQ+ youth have on the well-being of students and strongly argue for their right to disclose their identities on their own terms’

By Danielle Faipler

In 2023, lawmakers across the U.S. introduced a record number of anti-LGBTQ+ bills. Although the 2024 legislative session has just begun, the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) is already tracking 429 bills, a figure on pace to surpass 2023 numbers.

The rise in anti-LGBTQ+ policy rhetoric has coincided with an increase in anti-LBTGQ+ violence. According to data from the Federal Bureau of Investigation’s (FBI) 2022 annual crime report, anti-LGBTQ+ hate crimes increased 13.8% from 2021. As more policy proposals are directed at LGBTQ+ youth, advocates are concerned about how children’s mental and physical well-being will be affected.

Ryan Watson, co-director of the UCOnn
Ryan Watson, co-director of the UConn SHINE Lab

“In recent years, we’ve seen an increase in anti-LGBTQ+ legislation targeting kids, and even though not all of these bills will become law, even the introduction of the bills may have an immediate and real impact on kids’ lives and their mental health,” says Ryan Watson, associate professor in the Department of Human Development and Family Sciences (HDFS).

Thirty-two such proposals have advanced in in the legislatures of Arizona, Hawaii, Missouri, New Hampshire, South Carolina, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Washington, West Virginia, and other states. At least six states have laws on the books to forcibly out students.

Lisa Eaton, co-director of the UConn SHINE Lab
Lisa Eaton, co-director of the UConn SHINE Lab

“It’s critical that as researchers we stay engaged in understanding and speaking out against legislative policies that have the potential to do real harm to LGBTQ+ youth, equally important is supporting policies that protect youth. These policies have the potential to greatly and quickly impact the lives of LGBTQ+ youth,” says Lisa Eaton, professor of Human Development and Family Sciences.

Despite social progress, SGDY experience higher levels of discrimination, bullying, and stress, depression, and anxiety compared to their cisgender and heterosexual peers, and these health disparities continue to grow. SGDY report experiencing bullying, violence, discrimination, and rejection based on their sexual orientation and gender identity. When youth choose to disclose their identity, they often consider the support they may receive.

To investigate the mental health consequences of sexual and gender-diverse youth (SGDY) whose sexual or gender identity is forcibly disclosed to their parents without their permission, a team of researchers at UConn’s Sexuality, Health, and Intersectional Experiences (SHINE) Lab conducted a study that was recently published in the Journal of Research on Adolescence.

Watson and Eaton, both are principal investigators at UConn’s Institute for Collaboration on Health, Intervention, and Policy (InCHIP), co-direct the SHINE Lab. The SHINE Lab conducts research to improve understanding of how sexual orientation and gender identity, family experiences, school contexts, and ethnoracial identity affect health outcomes among sexually and gender-diverse youth and adults.

Peter McCauley, second-year Ph.D. student in the Department of Human Development and Family Sciences
Peter McCauley, second-year Ph.D. student in the Department of Human Development and Family Sciences

“Unique stressors, like bullying based on sexual and gender identities, are experienced at a time when youth are meeting important developmental milestones; at this same time, SGDY are typically financially and legally dependent upon their caregivers. There is a critical gap of knowledge on how the manner of disclosure may be related to the well-being of sexual and gender diverse youth. Our study aimed to understand how experiences of being outed to parents were related to mental health,” says the study’s lead author Peter McCauley, a second-year HDFS Ph.D. student and research assistant at the SHINE Lab.

McCauley and his collaborators used data from the LGBTQ National Teen Survey collected in partnership with the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) between April and December 2017. Respondents were between the ages of 13 and 17, identified as LGBTQ+, spoke English, and were U.S. residents.

The team found that respondents who were outed (about 30%) to their parents were more likely to experience elevated depressive symptoms and lower LGBTQ family support compared to those who were not. Parents who affirmed and supported their child’s identity could potentially mitigate depressive symptoms from the stress of being outed.

The study demonstrates that a lack of agency in disclosing a sexual and/or gender identity to parents can greatly undermine the well-being of SGDY and indicate lower levels of family support. It also underscores the importance of enabling SGDY youth to have greater control over when they disclose their identities.

“A staggering number of anti-LGBTQ+ bills have been proposed that mandate school officials to out students’ identities to parents and caregivers. Policymakers should be aware of the harms these bills have on the well-being of students and strongly argue for their right to disclose their identities on their own terms,” says McCauley.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What does pansexual mean?

— And how is it different from bisexual and polysexual?

How do you define pansexual vs. bisexual? That’s a very good question. Let’s take a moment to celebrate the pansexuals: the wonderful guys, gals and non-binary pals who love who they love regardless of gender.

By Emma Powys Maurice

How do you define pansexual vs. bisexual? That’s a very good question. Let’s take a moment to celebrate the pansexuals: the wonderful guys, gals and non-binary pals who love who they love regardless of gender

Pansexuality is part of the Bisexual+ Umbrella, meaning that it’s one of many identities in which someone is attracted to more than one gender.

But how exactly do you define pansexuality, and how is it different from bisexuality or polysexuality?

Every pansexual’s understanding of their sexuality is personal to them, but in general it means that they aren’t limited by sex or gender when it comes to those they’re attracted to.

The word comes from the Greek word “pan,” which means “all”. But that doesn’t mean pansexuals are attracted to anybody and everybody, just as heterosexual women aren’t attracted to all men. It simply means that the people they are into might identify anywhere on the LGBTQ+ spectrum.

This includes people who are gender-fluid, and those who don’t identify with any gender at all (agender).

In fact, some pansexuals describe themselves as “gender-blind”, meaning that gender doesn’t play any part in their sexuality; they’re attracted purely to a person’s energy rather than any other attributes.

How do you define pansexual vs. bisexual?

Good question! Sometimes pansexuality is used as a synonym for bisexuality, but they are subtly different.

Let’s take a moment to break down how to define pansexual vs. bisexual. Bisexual means being attracted to multiple genders, whereas pansexual means being attracted to all genders. Both orientations are valid in their own right and it’s up to the individual to decide which one fits them best.

Some people assume that bisexual people are erasing non-binary people or enforcing a rigid gender binary, because they believe the word bisexual implies that there are only two genders. We’re happy to inform you this isn’t the case!

The vast majority of bisexual people love and support the non-binary community, and many non-binary people are bisexuals themselves.

The reality is that bi people simply have “the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree,” as advocate Robyn Ochs describes.

What’s the difference between pansexual and polysexual?

The word polysexual comes from the Greek prefix “poly“ meaning “many”, and the term has been around since the 1920s or 30s, if not earlier.

There’s some overlap between pansexual and polysexual, as both appear under the Bisexual+ Umbrella. The key difference is that someone identifying as polysexual is not necessarily attracted to all genders, but many genders.

A good analogy to describe it is how you feel about your favourite colours: a pansexual person might like every colour of the rainbow, whereas a polysexual person might say they like all the colours except blue and green.

But more often than not, those who identify as polysexual tend to ignore gender binaries altogether, especially when it comes to who they are and aren’t attracted to.

It’s worth noting that polysexuality also has nothing to do with polyamory, which is style of consensual relationship, not a sexuality.

What pansexual celebrities are there?

Pansexuality has been around for as long as humans have, but the term is becoming more mainstream as more celebrities publicly identify as pansexual themselves.

Just a few of the big pansexual names out there are Lizzo, Cara Delevigne, Miley Cyrus, Janelle Monae, Angel Haze, Jazz Jennings, Brendan Urie, Yungblud, Nico Tortorella, Courtney Act, Bella Thorne, Joe Lycett, Tess Holliday and Christine and the Queens.

And as of 2020, the UK now has its first out pansexual MP: the Lib Dem Layla Moran.

“Pansexuality, to me, means it doesn’t matter about the physical attributions of the person you fall in love with, it’s about the person themselves,” she told PinkNews.

“It doesn’t matter if they’re a man or a woman or gender non-conforming, it doesn’t matter if they identify as gay or not. In the end, these are all things that don’t matter – the thing that matters is the person, and that you love the person.”

What does the pansexual Pride flag look like?

We’re glad you asked. It looks like this:

Define pansexual vs. bisexual
The pansexual pride flag

It was designed by a creator called Jasper V. The flag has been in wide use since the early 2010s when it was posted on an anonymous Tumblr account.

Here’s a breakdown of what the colours and symbols of this flag represent:

  • Magenta: Attraction to female-identifying individuals.
  • Yellow: Attraction to those who don’t identify with the binary such as non-binary, agender, and genderfluid individuals. 
  • Cyan: Attraction to male-identifying individuals. 

When is pansexual Pride day?

Pansexual & Panromantic Awareness Day falls on 24 May. It’s a day to celebrate the pan community and educate others on what it means – so you can start by telling your friends it’s got absolutely nothing to do with saucepans. So, have we helped you to define pansexual vs. bisexual? If so, we’re glad to have been of help!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is Gaydar, and Is It Real?

— Gaydar has long been the tongue-in-cheek answer to “how to know if someone is gay.” Is there any truth to it?

By Erika Owen

You’ve definitely wondered at least once: What is gaydar? Is it real?

Being human is a funny experience. You meet someone, you catch a “vibe,” and you form an opinion about their sexuality based on that first interaction. It’s a wild concept, considering there’s no way to actually know what is going on in that person’s life. But I digress — back to the vibe catching.

Attraction and sexuality are an important part of life, and it’s no surprise that we’re often left trying to guess what someone’s deal is after meeting them. For some people, relying on “gaydar” is one method for determining if someone is queer or not. Others don’t believe gaydar exists. The truth? It’s really complicated.

But first things first, let’s remember that it’s impossible to actually know if someone is gay or queer without them directly telling you. Despite what media stereotypes have conditioned some of us to believe, there is no outfit, speaking pattern, physical presentation, or other signal that says “I’m gay.” Being queer is a beautiful spectrum of physical presentations, one that any one person’s gaydar doesn’t properly encompass.

That said, we’re going to try to define “gaydar” below — specifically, where the term comes from and what it actually is. Read on and learn.

What does gaydar mean?

The Kinsey Institute describes gaydar as “the ability to determine whether someone is gay based on their intuition about the person.” This intuition is made based on how someone dresses, walks, or talks (read: very little actual information). These elements of a person are described as sexuality cues.

In simple terms, having a “gaydar” means that you think you can determine someone’s sexuality based on a short interaction — usually when you meet them for the first time. The term can easily scoot into homophobic territory, as many people who lean heavily into anti-gay rhetoric tend to be the first to box someone into the queer community as an insult (if only they knew what they were missing!). There’s a fine line between identifying and stereotyping, and the use of gaydar plays in this space depending on the person and intent.

Is gaydar real?

Whether or not gaydar is real is a long-debated question. In “Perceptions of Sexual Orientation From Minimal Cues,” a review of several studies about “gaydar” by Dr. Nicholas Rule, a social psychologist at the University of Toronto, the research suggests that it is real — but not in the way you might expect. It’s important to distinguish between something being real and something being accurate. In this case, gaydar is very much real. Accurate? Not entirely.

One of the studies cited shared that people were able to detect sexual orientation as they listened to short audio recordings and watched silent videos, as well as from seeing still images of faces on a screen. In general, all this means is that a person is able to put together a picture of someone’s sexuality from a limited number of visual and audio clues.

More interestingly, the gaydar tested in this study only seemed to be reflected in automatic responses. When participants were asked to think carefully about a person before making a judgement on their sexuality, their gaydar became worse. When asked why they made specific calls, it was hard for the surveyed to point to any direct reasoning — this tells us that gaydar is less based in fact and more based on societally led perceptions.

To drive that point home, here’s an especially intriguing point the study found: “People who hold anti-gay views typically perform worse in gaydar studies; by contrast, sexual minorities and people who have more familiarity.” This is where the complexity comes into play. Queer people likely have better “gaydar,” meaning it’s easier for them to recognize various traits, phrases, and visual cues that they themselves embody. This is one of the beautiful elements of community.

Other studies have found similar results, with gaydar accuracy — or lack thereof — varied among those tested. When a team of researchers surveyed a group in 2016, they found that the idea of gaydar encouraged stereotyping rather than serving as an actual way to detect if someone is queer. Meanwhile, two 2016 papers separately found that many studies that imply there’s some truth to gaydar may have mathematical errors in their design.

When a 2023 study added the question of bidar — being able to guess if someone is bi — to the mix, the results go even further off-track. Researchers asked people to identify whether or not they thought folks were bisexual based on their voice. The results not only showed that bidar was highly inaccurate, but that people read the voices of bisexual men to be considered the “most masculine” of the groups. Researchers say this may imply that in an effort to fight against biphobic stereotypes, bi men feel the pressure to mask their identity through performing hypermasculinity.

So, to answer the question of whether or not gaydar is real… it is. But it’s also not. Research on the subject has truly been contentious and inconclusive (I know, nothing is easy).

How to know if someone is gay

The only way to know if someone is gay or not is to hear it from the person themselves. Identity is an incredibly personal topic, and passing any kind of judgement without knowing the facts is an omission of so much of the beauty that comes with getting to know someone. As we all know, “gay” and “straight” are hardly the only options in this conversation.

As this relates to gaydar, Dr. Rule’s study addresses this: those surveyed weren’t able to sus out the difference between someone who may be gay and someone who may be bisexual. The results showed that gaydar sees sexual orientation as a rather black and white scale — gay or straight.

Also, keep in mind that everyone embraces the idea of being queer differently. (In fact, here are 9 LGBTQ+ people with different ideas about the word explaining what it means to them.) Fitting someone into your own definition of queer is only a small part of how you see that person, but giving them the opportunity to share themself with you is a gift.

The urge to know which way someone swings is understandable, especially if you’ve got a crush. As mentioned above, if you’re queer, you may have a gut feeling that the cutie you’re eyeing may or may not be queer, as well. Just remember that your head and your heart are talking at the same time, and likely over one another. Chances are, if you spot someone at your favorite gay bar or club, they’re likely part of the queer community. If you’re truly not sure, strike up a conversation — it’s likely it’ll come up sooner rather than later.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Here’s how to tell if a throuple might be right for you

— It’s not the same as an open relationship.

By and

The beautiful thing about non-monogamy is that it can take on many, varied forms: A non-monogamous dynamic can look like one polyamorous person having multiple romantic and sexual partners, or several individuals all in a non-hierarchical relationship together. One term you might’ve heard is ‘throuple,’ or triad, which describes a certain kind of committed relationship structure between three people.

Not to be mistaken for an open relationship (where people in a relationship have sex with people who are not their partner) or a threesome (sex between three people), a throuple is a balanced, consensual, and committed relationship. And while the term might be new to you, there’s nothing new or unusual about the concept, says Ann Rosen Spector, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Philadelphia. ‘It’s totally possible to be in love with more than one person at one time,’ she says.

So, what is a throuple, exactly—and what should you know if you’re interested in being in one? Read on for the full lowdown, according to therapists and social workers who work with polyamorous folks.

What is a throuple relationship?

A throuple, or triad, is a balanced, consensual, and committed relationship between three people. ‘What it means is that each person is in a relationship with another—it’s a three-way relationship,’ says Carolanne Marcantonio, LCSW, an AASECT-certified sex therapist with Wise Therapy in New York.

Like a couple, or a relationship between two people, the members of a throuple might have a ‘closed’ relationship, or an ‘open’ one. In some cases, ‘one person could be open to dating others, but another person in the triad isn’t,’ Marcantonio adds. ‘It really just depends.’

Different people in different dynamics might have their own definition and rules for the three-way relationship, so if you meet someone in a triad (or you’re about to join one!), it’s always a good idea to clarify what being in a throuple means to them.

What’s the difference between a throuple and other forms of polyamory?

Anything that isn’t a monogamous, exclusive, two-person relationship falls under the non-monogamy umbrella, says Anna Dow, LMFT, a therapist with Vast Love. And there are infinite types of polyamorous relationships, adds Marcantonio: ‘The sky’s the limit.’

Here are a few more polyamory-related words to know:

  • Quad: Four people who are in a committed relationship with each other
  • Polycule: A network of individuals who are all in relationships with each other
  • Kitchen table polyamory: A network of individuals who are in relationships with each other; if someone new is brought into this dynamic, they must generally get along with the rest of the group (think: feel comfortable sitting together at a large kitchen table)
  • Parallel polyamory: When a polyamorous person has multiple partners who don’t really interact with each other (essentially, the opposite of kitchen table polyamory)
  • Polyfidelity: When a throuple, quad, or larger polycule are ‘closed’ and do not see people outside of their group

Why might someone want to be in a throuple?

In some cases, a couple might meet a third person, become interested in them, and decide to bring that person into their relationship, says Spector.

In other instances, someone might know they’d like to join an existing couple, and seek out this kind of relationship dynamic. ‘If someone is oriented towards knowing that they can love more than one person responsibly, and if they feel like they can enter a relationship with an existing couple—and there’s chemistry, and connection between both and everyone agrees that they’d all like to be dating together—wonderful,’ says Marcantonio.

‘Being in a healthy throuple requires consistent communication and trust’

Aside from the joy of getting to date two people you like (or love), being in a throuple can help you get all your needs met, adds Spector. Think about it like this: When you have a third person involved, chances are, you’ll expose yourself and your original partner to qualities that both of you may want but can’t offer each other.

If you feel like you’re fully ready and wanting to add a third, Spector suggests letting your current partner know by gauging their interest. You can say something like: ‘I’d like to invite someone else into our relationship. How would you feel about having X join us and becoming a throuple?’

What are some tips for being in a healthy throuple?

Just like in any kind of relationship, being in a healthy throuple requires consistent communication and trust. ‘It’s the same as a monogamous relationship—the only difference is, it’ll be happening with two other folks,’ says Marcantonio.

However, there are some specific things you’ll want to watch out for, per relationship therapists:

1. Make sure you set ground rules first.

Different triads have different preferences, needs, and boundaries. Some examples of questions you’ll want to discuss, according to Marcantonio: ‘If everyone is open to all having other partners outside the triad, what does cheating look like? Do we all tell each other and have complete transparency when we’re talking to someone on the app, when we’re planning something, when we’ve had sex?’

Aside from discussions about sex and dating outside of the throuple, you’ll want to talk about your own dynamic as a trio, too, adds Spector. Would you prefer to only have sex as a throuple, for example, or is it okay for two people to have sex without the third?

‘It really depends on the triad and how they would like to set up the rules,’ says Jennifer Schneider, LICSW, LCSW, a psychotherapist specializing in LGBTQIA+ clients and those who identify as polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous. ‘It may be that a throuple sits down with each other and actually spends a few hours hammering out what might be relationship agreements.’

2. Continue to communicate.

People’s needs can fluctuate over time. So, continued communication is important, says Marcantonio. Spector recommends setting regular check-in times with your partners—and also checking in on your own needs, too.

3. And be sure you’re communicating *directly*, too.

One of the biggest issues a throuple might face is triangulation, says Marcantonio. ‘Triangulation in a relationship is when there’s one person who avoids directly interacting, usually with the person they have a conflict with,’ she explains. ‘So instead, they use the third person to confide in, to talk to.’

This can inadvertently put one person in the middle, Marcantonio adds. It can happen in friend groups, family dynamics, and—of course—romantic relationships that involve more than two people. So, if you have an issue or frustration with one of your partners, make sure you’re talking to them directly.

4. Get comfortable with any feelings of jealousy that might crop up.

It’s a common misconception that polyamorous folks don’t deal with jealousy. But, in fact, they can and do, says Schneider. It’s a natural human emotion. ‘It does take a lot of self-awareness and reflection to be in a poly relationship, because you will have feelings that come up that you need to sit with,’ Marcantonio adds.

If you find yourself feeling twinges of envy, Marcantonio recommends ‘staying curious’ and digging into the root of the issue. Is this something you can navigate on your own? Is this something you’d like to discuss with your partners? Did something trigger this emotion? These can be tough questions to work through, so if you’re struggling, you might want to check out a resource like The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola, which is chock-full of tools and exercises for people in polyamorous ‘ships.

What are some of the myths about throuples?

1. They’re purely sexual relationships.

When some people hear ‘throuple,’ they might hear ‘threesome.’ But this dynamic signifies an emotional, intimate relationship between three people. They go on dates together, have deep conversations together, and confide in one another.

‘It’s not all about sex,’ says Marcantonio. ‘It’s people who really uniquely enjoy having deep, intimate connections that go beyond sex.’

2. You have to have a certain sexuality, or be a certain gender, to be in one.

Throuples can be made up of people of any gender identity and any sexual orientation who choose to be together, Spector says.

‘Pop culture depicts them as primarily female-female-male threesomes in an imbalanced way that often fetishises the relationship structure,’ adds Dow. ‘In reality, however, throuples are just typical relationships comprised of people of any genders. And like all relationships, each one has its own set of benefits and challenges.’

3. They’re not natural.

News flash: throuples, quads, and other forms of polyamory are nothing new. Marcantonio recommends checking out the book Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan for further reading on the history of non-monogamous relationships. ‘We were much more communal many, many decades ago,’ she adds.

Ultimately, being in a throuple might not be for everyone—as humans, we all have different needs and preferred relationship structures. ‘Some people are more wired for monogamy, and that’s what they like and want. Others are able to do poly; they might be more wired for that, and that works great,’ Marcantonio says. ‘There’s no one ‘natural’ way to have a relationship.’

Meet the experts: Ann Rosen Spector, PhD, is a clinical psychologist in Philadelphia. Anna Dow, LMFT, is a therapist who specializes in non-monogamy at Vast Love. Carolanne Marcantonio, LCSW, is an AASECT-certified sex therapist with Wise Therapy in New York. Jennifer Schneider, LICSW, LCSW, is a psychotherapist specializing in LGBTQIA+ clients and those who identify as polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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​​Study reveals the weird connection between sex and why we get FOMO

— They’re more related than you think

BY Mia Erickson

Are you ever plagued by a nagging sense of anxiety watching your friends have fun without you? A new study claims to explain the science behind why we experience the phenomenon known as FOMO.

Most people are more than familiar with the all-consuming feeling of FOMO (fear of missing out), constantly comparing their surroundings, choices and plans with alternative scenarios.

But feeling like the grass is always greener elsewhere goes beyond missing your friends on a night in. FOMO is also rife in the current dating climate, with the never-ending stream of swiping, liking and matching fuelling the idea that something– or someone– better is out there.

But the connection between physical intimacy and experiencing FOMO goes deeper than we may think, according to a new study by Nipissing University in Canada, with findings suggesting the former may indeed be the cause of the latter.

Understanding the study

The phenomenon known as FOMO is hardly new, with many finding the nagging feeling follows them constantly– regardless of their surroundings. More often than not, people experience FOMO watching their friends enjoying an experience without them, which in today’s era of smartphones and social media, can be a never-ending ordeal.

The latest research into what causes our FOMO draws on the understanding that humans are naturally quite a social species.

But, knowing that like most mammals, we are generally guided by an instinct to connect and seek out a partner, the study set out to prove there’s more driving our FOMO than just innate competitiveness.

Determined to understand the relationship between FOMO and romantic relationships, 327 consenting adults between the ages of 19 and 60 were surveyed by the research team at Nipissing University.

Using a 10-item scale, participants were asked to respond to a series of statements measuring their inclination to experiencing FOMO, such as, ‘I fear others have more rewarding experiences than me’ and, ‘It bothers me when I miss an opportunity to meet up with friends.’

Based on their answers, researchers then rated each participant on things like their short-term mating effort, degree of social support, status-seeking, and competition among genders.

Each participant was also asked to divulge the number of sexual partners outside of a committed relationship they’d had. This, as well as their responses for the other sections, were combined and converted into a score by the research team.

What the results reveal

Comparing the results, the team found a correlation between the participants who experienced FOMO often and their attitudes towards seeking out sexual opportunities and romantic relationships.

What does this mean? The ingrained sense of ‘what if’ many modern daters experience while swiping for ‘the one’ inevitably impacts their desire to actively seek out social opportunities. In other words, their nagging FOMO.

More Coverage

“FOMO might alert people to the threat of not participating in these important social activities, which could motivate them to seek out and compete for social and sexual opportunities,” says professor of social sciences at Canadore College and study author Adam Davis.

According to the study’s findings, the participants who stated having high levels of FOMO were inevitably the ones who recorded having a high number of sexual partners and frequently sought new partners.

“Among American adults, we found that higher levels of FOMO were associated with a greater desire to seek out short-term sex partners,” adds Davis, who found other factors, such as each participant’s social support were not as influential.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Explore Your Sexuality, according to Science

— Some researchers say that the standard definition of sexual orientation is incomplete—and offer a tool for expanding it.

By Meghan McDonough

Stacy Watnick: The first thing that I do with clients is I tell them that we’re going to go slow—because there are three things that most clients … do not talk about in therapy, and those are religion, politics and sex.

[CLIP: Intro music]

Kate Klein: There’s this, like, whole world underneath people’s clothing that no one talks about.

Sari van Anders: Our science, in some ways…, is…catching up with people’s existences.

Meghan McDonough: I’m Meghan McDonough, and you’re listening to Scientific American’s Science, Quickly. This is part one of a four-part Fascination on the science of pleasure. In this series, we’re asking what we can learn from those with marginalized experiences to get to the bottom of BDSM, find the female orgasm and illuminate asexuality. In this episode, we’ll discuss new ways to question your sexuality, according to science that draws from feminism and queer theory.

But first, let’s get real basic.

Stacy Watnick: Tell me, when I say the word sex or sexuality to you, what comes up?

McDonough: That’s Stacy Watnick, a clinical psychologist based in San Diego, California. She specializes in relationship issues and sexuality. She’s noticed certain patterns in her clients when she asks this question.

Watnick: First, surprise—that there’s such a range of experiences in their body and in their mind about it…. Frequently, I get some shame and discomfort. They’re not sure what words they’re supposed to use: “Are those bad words?”

A little lean forward…. they’re sort of excited and there’s some tension in wanting to tell me—or a little lean back because they’re not sure it’s safe.

McDonough: Stacy asks her clients if they’ve heard of gender and orientation. They talk about the words they know. And then she brings up the zine.

Zine is short for “magazine.” But zines are different from traditional magazines. They tend to be self-published and not typically what you’d find in an academic setting.

This particular zine invites readers on a “journey through the landscape of your sexuality.” The front cover features a drawing of five people on a path leading into the horizon. Each is holding a map labeled “SCT.” SCT stands for sexual configurations theory, a term coined by Sari van Anders, a gender, sex and sexuality researcher at Queen’s University in Ontario.

>Sari van Anders: I was doing some work about multipartnering and things like polyamory…, I was at a conference where there was … a session about asexuality…. And I started thinking about the way these two … identities claimed by different people might come together.

McDonough: Here’s Sari, the creator of this theory. She and her team created the zine as a more accessible offshoot of her 2015 academic paper on the topic.

Van Anders: It was the most exciting piece of work I’ve ever done. I’ve never really done work where it just felt like it had to come out, and it was sort of bubbling out of me.

I think we can maximize our pleasure when we understand what it is that we’re wanting, what the options are, who we are. We can think through some things that we might never have had prompts to do before.

McDonough: Oxford Languages defines sexual orientation as “a person’s identity in relation to the gender or genders to which they are typically attracted.” Sexual configurations theory asks: What if this sort of definition is incomplete?

Sari’s theory basically complicates the idea that sexual orientation is only based on gender. She built it on the existing academic literature and on what people shared about their sexualities.

Van Anders: And it was really important to me to include not just diverse sexualities and genders and people with diverse sexualities and genders but people with marginalized experiences, and so on …

McDonough: Such as people who are LGBTQ+, disabled, into kink or BDSM, asexual or non-monogamous.

Van Anders: Our science, in some ways, is, if anything, sort of, like, catching up with people’s existences…. I think many women know that, like, not all women who are attracted to men, maybe including themselves, that means they’re attracted to, like, penises or that’s the thing only that turns them on. And, and so there’s sort of an assumption that gender/sex sexuality, or what people typically call sexual orientation, is about, like, genital match-ups, like, “I have these genitals, and I’m attracted to people who have those genitals.” But really, like, we rarely see people’s genitals until we’ve already decided we’re attracted to them, right…. Usually there’s so much else going on.

McDonough: Sari uses the term “gender/sex” to mean features that are both socialized and biological and considers it to be just one aspect of sexual orientation.

>Van Anders: You know, it’s not always bodies; there’s also ways of being in the world or clothes, appearance, presentation, the way people talk, how someone treats you. And research on attraction is pretty clear that a lot of other things are rated pretty high up, like kindness or sense of humor or things like that.

McDonough: Sari refers to this as “sexual parameter n”—all the other things that make us attracted to a person.

The way she visualizes these aspects is through cone-shaped diagrams where people can pinpoint their preferences.

Aki Gormezano: As an example, you could think about the tornado for gender/sex sexuality…. So there’s a space on top where there’s a ring going around the outside that SCT calls the binary ring.

McDonough: This is Aki Gormezano, a sexuality researcher who did his Ph.D. with Sari at Queen’s. The ring he’s describing represents what most people know as the sexuality spectrum.

Gormezano: And then there’s a whole space beyond that, falling inside of the binary ring, completing that circle, where you’re not just thinking about women and men, you’re thinking about gender/sex-diverse folks who are occupying spaces outside of that binary ring.

McDonough: This is called the “challenge area.”

Gormezano: That circle I described is on the top, but then it moves all the way down to a point forming what kind of looks like a cone. And there’s a little meter ranging from zero to 100 on the far left of that, and that’s to indicate the strength of your attractions.

McDonough: In lay terms, if gender/sex was an important part of your attraction to people, you’d mark a place higher up on the tornado. If it wasn’t, you’d mark a place farther down. There are also tornadoes for partner number—one, multiple or none—as well as for sexual parametern, representing the other factors Sari mentioned, such as kindness and sense of humor.

Gormezano: Growing up, I was, like, pretty uncritical of my sexuality for the most part… Like I identified as straight by default. And a lot of my attractions, you know, as a cis boy at the time, or, like, now a cis man, were to cis women.

McDonough: In case you don’t know, “cis” here refers to cisgender, when a person’s gender identity matches their sex assigned at birth.

Gormezano: I had a point in high school where I realized … I did have attractions to people who were not cis girls or cis women…. I think I was just, like, confused and upset and didn’t really feel like it was something I could talk about. You know, especially as someone who played sports and was known as an athlete, where that was a big piece of my identity—like, I played soccer all the way through and still do…. I think, for me, the hardest part about realizing that I had interests and attractions that didn’t fit with being straight was that it challenged a lot of my identity around being a man or, like, wanting to be.

McDonough: Aki says that studying sexuality as an adult has helped him see that this isn’t a problem and that sexual orientation, identity and status don’t necessarily line up perfectly. Sexual configurations theory calls this “branched.”

Van Anders: Orientations have to do with, like, attractions, interests, arousals, desire [and] pleasure, and those might be different, or they might be the same. Like, you might really enjoy the thoughts or have fantasies about being with a man. And then when it comes to the actual sex you do, you find people of any gender are really enjoyable…. And status refers to, like, what you’re kind of actually doing, have done or will do…, who you’re actually with, for example.

McDonough: In a 27-country survey conducted by the market research company Ipsos in 2021, for example, 80 percent of self-identified heterosexual people reported that they were only attracted to the opposite sex, and 12 percent of them said they mostly were. Meanwhile 60 percent of self-identified lesbian and gay people said they were only attracted to the same sex, and 24 percent of them said they mostly were. These “branches” of sexuality can all be mapped on separate “tornado” diagrams. If you’re still struggling to picture them, you’re not alone. Between gender/sex, partner number, and other factors—plus identity, orientation and status—it’s a lot. But portraying sexuality as complex is also kind of the point.

McDonough (tape): To what extent do you think sexuality labels are limiting or expanding? If you could imagine your ideal world of how people conceive of sexuality, would everyone have a label?

Gormezano: I think when you just have identities and you just have labels, especially when identities and labels are really narrow…, you might not have the language to articulate the ways in which you don’t perfectly fit with that identity or label…. And I think the more people … who are able to understand the ways in which they might branch from their label or, like, perfectly coincide with it, the more open everyone will be around, you know, just like understanding that, like, around each identity is, like, a collection of people who might vary from that in different kinds of ways.

McDonough: Stacy, the therapist we heard from earlier, commonly meets clients who are working through their sexualities.

McDonough (tape): How do you help them kind of figure that out?

Watnick: We kind of try labels on like clothes…. I’m gonna try this sort of sweater on and see: Does that feel snuggly? Do I feel comfortable? Is there, like, a resonance in my body and in my mind and my heart and my genitals, all over me, that this feels true…? And much like the sweater I put on, I don’t have to wear it all the time…. There’s a very flexible return policy on this kind of content: if they decide they don’t want it; they don’t have to keep it. But we’re trying it on. Let’s see how it feels.

McDonough: Stacy first saw Sari speak at a virtual conference during the pandemic.

Watnick: And my whole brain lit up.

McDonough: The two of them have since formed a working group to bring sexual configurations theory into more clinical settings.

Van Anders: Those of us with marginalized or minoritized or oppressed genders, sexes or sexualities are often not given the tools from science or scholarship to make sense of ourselves. And so this can be helpful in that way. But also people who are majorities…, our culture tells everyone…, you’re just a cisgender man; that’s that; there’s nothing more complex; the complexity is for, you know, the other “complicated,” quote, unquote, people. But our research finds that the majorities actually have a lot of complexity and often have had even less prompt to think about it.

McDonough (tape): I’m wondering if you’ve had any pushback from the scientific community or otherwise?

Van Anders: We get a fair bit of skepticism from academics that what people might call laypeople, just you, people on the street, could actually do SCT diagrams because they are a bit more complex than “What is your attraction…?”…. So we sometimes get people who say, “This is pretty hard” or “I’m kind of confused.” And then we’re like, “Okay, can you describe yourself?” And then we look at the dot, and it matches. So people are actually able to do it anyway.

Van Anders: And we sometimes get pushback, too, from majorities who get, like, a little bit angry, who are like, “Okay, well, here, I can locate myself, but, like, I don’t believe in all these other locations….” You know, they’re usually seeing questions that have heterosexual first if there’s a checklist. And here it’s, like, you know, if you’re interested in women, that’s just one little dot in this whole diagram, and that can be a bit disorienting for people who are used to being with the center.

McDonough: Sari thinks that accounting for this complexity is not only helpful for individuals but also for future scientific research.

Van Anders: People sometimes forget that every measure we use is sort of telling a story about what the world is…. They’re kind of almost like a sieve that you sieve the world through. And depending on what that sieve looks like—whether it’s SCT, whether it’s a one-word question with a checkbox or answer or something—is going to let kind of different kinds of things through…. What is empirical in science is to try to measure the world as it is.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Want To Up The Sexual Desire In Your Relationship?

— Try These Expert-Approved Tips

By Sarah Regan

When you first meet a new love interest, the surge of feel-good hormones makes them the center of your world—and of course, the object of your sexual desire.

But fast-forward a few years, and you’ll likely find desire has a way of ebbing and flowing the longer you’re with someone. It’s completely normal, but you still might want to spice things up when you’re in a sexual rut.

If that sounds familiar, here’s what to do.

Why does desire fade, anyway?

And it happens for so many reasons. Not only do the hormones we associate with falling in love start to drop off in general as the honeymoon phase ends, Gunsaullus says, but other hormonal factors are at play as well, especially if you’ve been together for years.

From childbirth to perimenopause to menopause to declining testosterone, we’re all susceptible to less sexual drive as we age. And of course, life happens too.

Kids’ schedules keep you busy, one or both partners might be stressed about work or finances, and even new medication can influence libido. If resentment has been brewing in the relationship, Gunsaullus adds, you better believe that’s a buzzkill as well.

It’s also worth noting that a lot of couples defer to having intimate time right before bed, which according to Gunsaullus, doesn’t always work out. “If folks are only thinking to have sex when they’re crawling into bed, most people just want to go to sleep or read or scroll—they want something that doesn’t feel like work. And if you’re the lower-desire person, sex can feel like work,” she explains.

5 tips to cultivate more sexual desire

1. Know that you’re not broken

If you and your partner aren’t all over each other like you once were, remember that this is completely normal—and, honestly, to be expected.

“Low-desire people often feel guilty or like they’re broken, and then higher-desire people feel rejected and unwanted and undesired,” Gunsaullus tells mindbodygreen, adding, “So just being able to call out those feelings and know that you haven’t done anything wrong—this is a very normal thing that happens to many folks in long-term relationships.”

With that in mind, she says, remember that both of you might not feel great about the decrease in desire, so be mindful not to get stuck in a cycle of pointing fingers, guilt, blame, and shame.

2. Schedule “HNFT”

Once of the best ways to boost desire in your relationship is to schedule time to be intimate, or as Gunsaullus calls it: Happy Naked Fun Time (HNFT). For 45 undistracted minutes once a week, simply enjoy each other.

If “scheduling” doesn’t sound very sexy to you, keep in mind that spontaneity doesn’t always bode well for lower-desire people, according to Gunsaullus. “They’re more responsive to creating a context, you know, an environment and a connection that helps facilitate arousal and desire,” she explains.

And the best part about this time, Gunsaullus adds, is it’s not meant to have an agenda. You don’t even need to have sex—it’s just about creating an environment in which you’re having fun, playing, connecting, and happen to be undressed.

“Bring a lightness to it, because if there’s expectation or pressure, that’s where you then get the disappointment and the blame and shame. So cuddle with each other, massage each other, talk about your day, play a game—something that feels intentional and out of the ordinary but is a sacred time,” Gunsaullus says.

3. Sit down with each other weekly

Even if you don’t schedule your HNFT every week, Gunsaullus does emphasize the importance of checking in with each other for 15 minutes every week, opening up the conversation around your sex life, needs, and desires.

Remember during this time to be nonjudgmental and open, even if it’s uncomfortable. Talking about these topics and normalizing them will ultimately help you and your partner get more comfortable with that discomfort so you can understand each other more deeply—which brings us to our next point.

4. Learn each other’s needs

If you’re on the shyer side, we’re not gonna pretend like it isn’t a little awkward to talk about your fantasies or sexual desires. But as Gunsaullus tells mindbodygreen, pushing through that awkwardness will only help your partner understand how to please you and vice versa.

She recommends filling out some sort of erotic play worksheet online in order to get super specific about what does (and doesn’t) turn you on. (Here’s a list of the most common kinks and fetishes, if you’re curious.)

Once you and your partner have both done the worksheets, compare your results. You might just find you have some overlap! And if you don’t, have no fear; Gunsaullus says that’s incredibly common and you can still meet each other halfway.

5. Consider working with a professional

Finally, Gunsaullus says, if you feel like you’ve been stuck in a sexual rut for quite some time, it might be worth working with a professional, whether a couples therapist, a sex therapist, or a sex/intimacy coach.

The takeaway

As with all matters of relationship, communication is key. Talk to each other, honor your needs, and remember that pleasure is something we all deserve.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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True romance

— How to keep the love alive when sex has gone

Fantasising about other people? Wishing your partner was younger or fitter? It doesn’t have to mean the end of the relationship

By

It’s rare for intense sexual chemistry to last. “We don’t talk about it enough,” says the relationship therapist Cate Campbell, “but it’s very normal for attraction to wane in a long-term relationship, especially as people get older and bodies change. Even if you love and care for your partner, you may fantasise about other people or wish they were younger or fitter. Mother nature tricks our brains into only seeing the positives when we start dating, but that wears off over time.”

Some people find that loss of sexual connection is a dealbreaker, especially when it’s accompanied by other problems in the relationship. “If couples get out of the habit of being intimate,” Campbell says, “it can make them more critical of each other’s flaws.”

But it is possible to keep love alive, and even reignite that sexual spark.

Communicate openly

According to psychotherapist Kamalyn Kaur, nothing is more important in relationships than old-fashioned communication. “If you find the sex is missing, have an open conversation about it. Try bringing it up in a non-pressurised environment – like when you’re walking or cooking together. This creates a bit of space so you don’t have to answer questions right away.”

Taking the time to think about what’s caused the physical rift helps couples engage with what’s going on, and consider other forms of intimacy. It’s something that worked for Claire, 36, who has been with her partner for 10 years.

“When the sex went from our relationship a couple of years ago, we talked about it openly,” she says. “He told me that he didn’t fancy me, and I appreciated his honesty. We got together after running a business together so we’d never had that intense honeymoon period. Our relationship was built on mutual trust and enjoying each other’s company, but it got harder during Covid because we had the stress of trying to keep the business going.”

They separated briefly, but soon realised they didn’t want to be apart. “Ultimately, we are partners in life and have always supported each other in everything. For me, being able to have honest, open communication in a life you’ve built together is more important than sex.”

With so much history behind them, Claire found that focusing on their memories and achievements strengthened their bond. “Our relationship is based on achieving things as a team. To support that love, we’ve continued being intimate in other ways, such as hugging, sharing a bed and spending quality time together outside work.”

After two years without sexual contact, the intimacy between them is starting to grow. “It might come back even more when our child leaves home later in life. But for now I appreciate what we have, how well he treats me, and how he supports me through mental health challenges. People think the grass is always greener, but it takes time to build lasting intimacy and I don’t want to throw all that away.”

Kaur agrees that celebrating milestones can be a fantastic way to stop partners from taking each other for granted and recognise the evolution of their relationship. “It can be anniversaries or things you’ve achieved as a couple, such as having children or buying a home together. I recommend writing these things down because it encourages reflection and it helps to build positive memories. You can also try writing down your partner’s best qualities to remind yourself why you were drawn to them in the first place.”

Tackle the weak spots in your relationship

Unlike food and shelter, sexual chemistry isn’t No 1 in the hierarchy of human needs. Relationships coach Katarina Polonska, who specialises in supporting high-achieving couples, says that grappling to achieve the “big ticket” items in life, such as a good career or building a home, can mean people deprioritise their partner, leading to a loss of sexual interest. “To feel in love after the honeymoon period is a choice – it’s not something we can expect to last,” she says. “To make that choice, we have to make room to feel desire and love. The first thing I ask couples when they’re losing desire for each other is whether there are any other stressors in their life, such as work or caring duties.”

For couples who identify this as a problem, making more time for each other can help them reconnect and regain that sexual chemistry. “Another common reason that people stop fancying their partner is due to past resentments and unresolved relationship issues. These can be tiny microaggressions, but over time they grow into something bigger.”

She recommends that couples take at least 30 minutes each week to try the “three things” exercise. “You share three things you appreciate and three things you need the person to know, for example times you didn’t feel seen or heard, or something that has rocked your trust. Then you share three things that you need, such as acts of romance or help around the house. It’s important not to judge, but give each other space to share.”

Build an intimacy routine

Intimacy is often associated with sex, but Campbell points out that it can be so much more than that. “To keep a loving relationship going without sex, it’s important to build an intimacy routine, for example hugging and kissing before you go out. Sometimes applying a sex ban can be helpful to take the pressure off completely and see what happens when you try holding hands or just cuddling on the sofa.”

She adds that if partners still care about each other, spending quality time together is likely to improve the relationship, and those feelings of sexual chemistry could return – even after years without it.

For some couples, practising intimacy exercises can bring them closer together. Clinical psychologist Dr Patapia Tzotzoli says that mindfulness during intimate moments can help to rebuild attraction between couples. “Hugging meditation involves taking a deep breath and visualising your partner 200 years from now. This mental exercise helps people to appreciate that life is precious and enables them to cherish what they have right now.”

Through the simple act of staying in the moment, couples shift their attention back to each other and their relationship. “It can help them to replace the negative feelings with more positive ones and make them more able to interact with each other with kindness and patience.”

Try something new

One of the reasons that attraction between couples can dwindle is the lack of variety. The mundanity of day-to-day life, coupled with the stress of working can leave little time for excitement. Tzotzoli recommends taking up a new hobby or trying something different. “By focusing on personal growth, you’re nurturing your own sense of fulfilment. It can enrich each partner’s individuality, which will contribute positively to the relationship.”

Over time, that renewed sense of self can lead to increased attraction and appreciation for each other. She also suggests trying new activities as a couple, such as dance classes, cooking classes or anything else that pushes you out of your routine.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Are the Rules for Talking About Your Sex Life With Friends?

— Sharing dirty details can be fun (and healthy!) but it’s important to respect everyone’s boundaries.

By Carina Hsieh

When it comes to kissing and telling…your friends, it can be hard to know what crosses the line. There’s the issue of respecting your partner, of course: Are you spilling dirty details that they’d rather you keep private? Plus you might not know what’s TMI versus TAI (totally acceptable information)—you don’t want your pals desperately wishing they could unhear one of your X-rated anecdotes.

That doesn’t necessarily mean you should keep all your business to yourself, though. Revealing parts of your sex life can be good for you and your friendships, Todd Baratz, LMHC, a New York City–based certified sex therapist, tells SELF. “By openly sharing, you can help normalize conversations about sex, become more comfortable discussing it personally, and potentially receive support if you’re struggling with something,” Baratz says. “And let’s not forget—it’s sex, so it can be fun to talk about too.”

Still, you don’t want to end up violating your partner’s trust (or your friend’s ears). To help you determine how much of your sex life is okay to share with your social circle, we spoke to a few experts for some guidelines.

First, find out what your partner’s cool with.

They have a right to confidentiality, so you shouldn’t talk about anything they wouldn’t want you to. And the only way to know what your partner is comfortable with is to ask, Sara Nasserzadeh, PhD, a Los Angeles–based social psychologist who specializes in sexuality and relationships, tells SELF. Having a conversation upfront about what each of you considers private (when it comes to sex or anything else), is a good way to ensure you’re in the clear and minimize the potential for hurt feelings later on.

To help the chat go as smoothly as possible, you’ll want to be thoughtful about how you broach the subject too, Janelle Peifer, PhD, LCP, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Richmond, tells SELF. Dr. Peifer suggests giving your partner a heads-up and picking a time that works for both of you, so you’ll feel more relaxed. And instead of diving in with “I want to talk about our sex life” (potentially scary), she recommends making it clear that you want to understand what’s important to them when it comes to confidentiality and respect (less scary). “This subtle reframe can help you feel aligned and prevent your partner from feeling defensive,” she adds.

It’s important to have this talk with each new sexual partner, too, because everyone has different values and preferences when it comes to kissing and telling, Eliza Boquin, LMFT, a certified sex therapist based in Houston, tells SELF. You might have a lover who doesn’t mind you bragging about your hottest moments, for example, but draws the line at you sharing less satisfying experiences. Or you may agree that neither of you should spill anything to your friends without discussing it first.

And what if you had a casual hookup or a one-night stand? Odds are you’re not about to call them up and ask for explicit permission to rehash the night with your friends. For situations like that, you can stick to your own experiences—how you felt or what you did, for example—out of respect for the other person’s privacy, Dr. Peifer says. (It may also help to think about what you’d be okay with if the roles were reversed.)

Remember: Just because you’re “allowed” to talk about certain aspects of your sex life, that doesn’t necessarily mean you should.

While probably unlikely, you do run the risk of having people use certain details against you (in a friend breakup gone ugly, say) or viewing you or your partner in a different way (like being judgmental about your bedroom activities, perhaps), Boquin notes. It’s also possible that one of your pals could start fantasizing about your partner or sex life, Dr. Nasserzadeh adds. You can’t control people’s thoughts, obviously, but if you’d rather not have a friend picturing your significant other (or you) in a particularly graphic situation, you might want to reconsider disclosing private details—or at least keep the conversation PG-13. And maybe save the juicier stuff for close friends you fully trust, Dr. Nasserzadeh says.

Give your friends a chance to opt in.

As we mentioned above, what’s okay to share according to one partner might be totally off-limits for another, and the same goes for your friends. Some of your besties may want all the intimate details, while others might prefer that you keep things a little less explicit. Out of respect for your friends’ boundaries, Dr. Peifer says it’s probably a good idea to offer anyone listening a quick “Do you mind if I get detailed or do you prefer I keep it vague?” before jumping into the deep end of a sex story.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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You’re ‘Solo Poly’? So … You’re Single?

— Not quite, according to practitioners, who want people to understand that the lifestyle is more than a dressed-up “friends with benefits.”

It’s like dating, but slightly different.

By Gina Cherelus

After James Nicholson went through a breakup in October, he realized that he was at a point in his life when he wanted to focus more on himself than on someone else, but without losing the perks of romantic intimacy.

He was juggling work and grief from losing a family member, all while parenting a 14-year-old with his ex-wife. So Mr. Nicholson, a 46-year-old Bronx resident, decided to embark on a journey of solo polyamory. To Mr. Nicholson, that meant dating several people at once with no intention to ride the relationship escalator to the top.

“I’m open to connecting with others, but it may not be just one other person,” he said in a phone interview. “It is really based on how schedules line up.”

It’s hard to miss the growing interest these days in polyamory and ethical non-monogamy, the term du jour for having multiple and consensual romantic relationships. The new year kicked off with a slew of articles on the subject from a number of publications that shed light on the practice and lifestyle.

But among all the throuples, polycules and nesting partners, there exists another category of polyamory that still throws many for a loop: solo polyamory, or having concurrent intimate relationships while maintaining independence. For the solo poly, the end goal is not an exclusive partnership, marriage, shared finances or cohabitation.

The concept becomes a little less confusing when you break the term up. Solo? You’re your No. 1 focus. Poly? You’re interested in seeing several people at once. The specific details will vary from person to person.

In interviews with people who identify as solo poly, many described facing misconceptions about their lifestyle. Two of the chief distinctions that separates them from other singles who are dating is that solo poly relationships rely heavily on communication and transparency, and they aren’t defined by the end goal of finding a soul mate. And unlike other polyamorous relationships, their partners don’t interact.

For most people who are dating, “you’re single, maybe dating someone, and you don’t tell them about other people you’re dating,” Mr. Nicholson said. “There might be a lot more discretion, shall we say, with how you communicate with whoever you’re dating.”

One thing to be aware of when it comes to being solo poly, according to Mr. Nicholson, is that if you are prioritizing yourself, then you should expect the same treatment: “No one is going to specifically prioritize you.”

Tyomi Morgan, 36, a certified sexologist in Atlanta, was living the solo poly lifestyle long before she discovered the term, in 2016.

“Fourteen years ago, I did not have this language,” she said in a phone interview. “It was not in my awareness at all. It does feel fairly new.”

“I just know that having an open lifestyle was a thing,” she continued, “and I decided instead of being monogamous that I would be non-monogamous, and I would be transparent about that with people in my life.”

As these types of lifestyles gain steam — a 2023 YouGov poll found that one-third of Americans described their ideal relationship as something other than complete monogamy — some people have responded with skepticism to the idea of solo polyamory, writing it off as just a new label for being single and casually dating or sleeping around.

“I hate my generation of men,” one woman posted on X. “What do you mean you’re solo poly and straight? … That’s literally just a man.”

Solo poly? “Bruh, I think you mean single,” another wrote. “You just *have* to have a special little identity for every corner of your romantic life.”

For Ms. Morgan, being solo poly means there’s no expectation for her to live with any of her partners and she’s at the center of all her relationships, which include a long-distance relationship, a few more meaningful partnerships and some casual connections. She said she didn’t love any one of her partners more or less than another.

“I experience so much freedom and happiness in being solo and just prioritizing myself first,” she said. “As somebody who’s a recovering codependent and people pleaser, it feels good to center myself in relationships and not feel like I have this hard obligation to necessarily be with a particular group of people.”

The hardest part of being solo poly, in Ms. Morgan’s experience, has been maintaining healthy emotional regulation and staying aware of her own needs in the midst of it all.

So is “solo poly” a helpful label, a way to be more transparent with romantic and sexual partners? Or is it just another unnecessary term to describe behaviors that have long existed? For Mr. Nicholson, the label helps him clearly define exactly the type of single he is for the time being.

The label sets a tone that he hopes can encourage “healthy, open, transparent connection and communication,” he said, “for whoever I’m dealing with on an ongoing basis.”

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Curious about trying tantric sex?

— Here’s everything you need to know

The key to sex and intimacy like you’ve never known it before.

By Nina Miyashita

In a world where we’re constantly bombarded by sex—how to have it, how often you should have it, what it should feel like—it’s easy to get overwhelmed. Regardless of if you’re in a long term relationship or you’re single and dating around, far too often, we can easily become disconnected from sex, in more ways than one. So if you find yourself disassociating from the practice, physically or mentally, and starting to struggle in your sex life, rest assured you’re far from being the only one.

Whether you’re dealing with performance anxiety or sexual dysfunction, or you’re just feeling detached or distant from your sexual partner and you want to shake things up, there’s an old sexual practice that can help you get back on track, teach you how to be more present in the moment during sex, and help enhance your lovemaking to a whole new realm. Like the sound of what you’re hearing so far? You might want to consider tantric sex.

A ritual that has been the centre of growing interest in recent years as a way to increase and strengthen sexual connection, tantric sex comes from the word Tantra, an ancient spiritual practice that focuses on a deep sense of bodily, mental and spiritual intimacy—essentially, sex and intimacy like you’ve never known it before.

What is tantric sex?

“Tantra is an artform that has continuously evolved over the centuries, and today, there are many different variations on the teachings of Tantra,” says Scarlett Wolf, a certified tantric facilitator, educator and massage therapist based in Sydney.

“There are 64 Arts of Tantra, such as the Art of music, poetry, martial arts, language, astronomy and philosophy, to name a few. One purpose of practising the Tantric Arts is to bring vibrancy and creativity into your life, as opposed to living a limiting existence. Tantric, or Sacred Sex, is one of these Arts, and can be practised to a level of mastery.”

Wolf points out that performative, goal-oriented sex can often feel unfulfilling, an issue that we can often run into either in a long term relationship or thanks to all the unhelpful cultural messaging we get around the purpose of sex.

If there’s only one goal for sex, to have an orgasm or to reproduce for example, it can start to feel a bit like a chore—especially for couples who’ve been together for a long time—and you might start to get the sense that it’s just something to get over with. On the other hand, Tantric sex is a slow and intentional way of connecting sexually.

What are the principles of tantric sex?

Mindfulness, intimacy and presence define tantric sex above all else, and it largely centres on a process of energy cultivation and exchange. “Harnessing the power of your sexual energy can open the doors to deep spiritual experiences, personal self-actualisation, and healing,” Wolf says. “The path of Tantra goes beyond the act of sex, as the pathway to an incredible sex life is through, first and foremost, knowing yourself.”

Seeing as our intimate experiences and relationships often reflect how we are in other ways, Wolf says that learning how to hold depth, passion and presence through different aspects of tantric sex can also positively impact so many other areas of our lives.

What are the benefits of tantric sex?

According to Wolf, tantric sex is for “anyone who has a desire to get to know themselves on a deeper level, feel more confident and reach their full potential with sex and intimacy”—and don’t we all? The benefit and goal of tantric is, in turn, multifaceted.

For men specifically, Wolf says there are some specific areas it can really assist in. “It’s extremely helpful for premature ejaculation, performance anxiety and in some cases, erectile dysfunction, if it’s not a medical condition but rather a psychological pattern,” she says. “A man who struggles with premature ejaculation can also reprogram his body to last for extended periods of time and enjoy being in the moment, rather than in fear of how he performs.”

As for couples, practising together can lead to deeper connection and better communication skills, helping you both to better understand your individual emotional and sexual needs—something seemingly simple yet very common that can often be a big barrier to meaningful sex between couples. Always remember that if you’re going to try introduce tantric sex to a partner to get their full and verbal consent to the practice.

Along with more satisfying orgasms and a reduction of stress and anxiety, there’s a whole plethora of benefits with tantric that might change your sex life forever.

How do you incorporate tantric sex into your relationship?

Before you can truly reap the benefits of tantric in your relationship, you’ll have to learn a few things on your own. “Having a solo practice is the starting point of Tantra,” Wolf explains. “Even when you’re in a sexually active relationship, having your own individual practice is essential for the deepening of your connection to your own body.”

“Knowing how to cultivate a connection to self first is what increases our capacity to connect more deeply with others, and feel more present in intimacy when we have partnered experiences. Once you’ve activated your sense of sexual freedom, self-expression and inner confidence, you can then experience this in your partnership.”

What are the techniques and practices of tantric sex?

Regulate your nervous system and do breathing exercises

When you’re getting started on your own, learning how to regulate your nervous system is super important. Think things like meditation, gentle exercise and breathwork. “When we are relaxed, and our parasympathetic nervous system is activated, we feel safe to communicate,” Wolf says. “We are then able to experience what true connection really is, and enjoy mind-blowing pleasure with our partner.”

In Wolf’s words, the secret to pleasure is relaxation. That means taking the time to get off our screens and taking some much needed time out. She recommends movement practices like meditation, dancing, or even taking a walk to clear your head before sex can be really helpful. Learning to slow down your breath is great, too. Breathing in for 5 counts and out for 10 is an easy breathing exercise you can implement to come into a more relaxed state.

Self pleasure

Self pleasure is also going to be important, since this is one of the best ways you can learn about your own sexuality. “Self pleasuring quickly and unconsciously will not make you a better lover, but taking your time and treating your body like you would treat your lover will,” says Wolf.

“A simple way is to practise circulating sexual energy through your body when you self pleasure. Use your breath and visualise as you are breathing that you are drawing your sexual energy up out of your genitals with your in breath and as you breathe out, visualise it spreading throughout your body. This is deeply relaxing and energising for your system.”

Remember, before you start any kind of tantric practice with a partner, getting their full, enthusiastic consent before any sexual or intimate activity is paramount, as is communicating about how you’re both feeling throughout.

Eye gazing

One of the most common ways to start a tantric practice with your partner, once you’re ready to have them join you, is eye gazing or eye contact. Here, Wolf breaks it down step by step.

“Have your partner sit cross legged, or in another comfortable position, facing you, and make sure your posture is supported. Hold hands and keep your arms, shoulders and hands relaxed. Look into the left eye of your partner and hold a gentle yet deep gaze.” You may blink, laugh, cry, smile whilst eye gazing, but try to keep a silence. In lieu of verbal communication, establish non-verbal consent cues before you begin. “Eye gaze for at least 5 minutes or as long as you desire. You may wish to listen to some beautiful music, preferably without lyrics, and then share your experience with your partner afterwards.”

Connecting heart centres through visualisation

“Place your left hand on your partner’s heart and your right hand on their genitals. On your in breath, visualise their sexual energy drawing up through your right hand, into your heart. Use this to energise your body. When you exhale, imagine sending the love in your heart through your left hand into your partner’s heart. Continue this breath and movement energy cycle for five minutes. This is a beautiful way to meditate together that creates a deeper emotional connection, and is also highly arousing.”

Sensual massage and touch

Engaging in a full body sensual massage is another great way to practise partnered tantric, and aims to move sexual energy around the body. Gently massage your partner with intention from the chest and shoulders all the way down their body, focusing on erotic zones, all while you pay attention to your breath.

Giving up too soon

One of the most important things to know before you get started is that Tantra is not about instant gratification. Patience is required when you’re learning new way of deepening your sexual experiences. “For many people, there is a reprogramming that happens around what they’ve known sex to be about,” Wolf confirms.

“Tantra is a journey. It’s not about ‘getting it right’ straight away. While it’s extremely enlightening to educate yourself by reading, watching videos and having conversations about Tantra, the real shift happens when you do the practices.” And Wolf is confident that if you’re consistent with your practice, you’ll be surprised how quickly you’ll see and feel results.

Believing that tantra isn’t for you because no one you know does it

“Often people feel shy and don’t have the confidence to share what they’ve learnt, as they feel it’s too weird, out there and might not be accepted—but don’t assume a sexual partner won’t be interested,” Wolf encourages. “As long as someone has a willingness and openness to learn and connect with you this way, that’s all that matters. It’s a beautiful and life changing journey to introduce someone to, and you’ll often be met with gratitude.”

Tantra practice isn’t right for you because you’re not a spiritual person

Worried about the spiritual aspect of the practice? Wolf says you really don’t have to be. “Aside from Tantra having the ability to take you into ecstatic states, it’s also a very grounding somatic—somatic means of the body—practice,” she explains.

“If what you’re looking for is more meaningful connections, and a more fulfilling and enjoyable sex life at the very least, practising Tantra is for you. What I’ve found after 15 years on my Tantric Journey is that there’s never a limit to the depth you can go to with Tantra. It’s a gift that continues to give.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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7 Habits of Highly Sex-cessful People

— Why do some couples keep the home fires burning while for others the embers grow dim? Here’s what some romantic partners are doing right

By Nicole Pajer

You know who they are.

That couple down the block who’ve been together for 25 years and still canoodle like newlyweds. They seem to have the intimacy and magic you and your partner once shared. How do they do it?

There are plenty of obvious reasons some couples lose their intimacy mojo over time: too much stress, too much conflict, too many health issues. But there are also plenty of healthy people in otherwise healthy relationships who aren’t getting their fair share of lovin’. What’s separating the sexually successful from the carnally challenged? We took a peek under the sheets and discovered some unexpected habits that have nothing to do with your relationship and can help any couple regain their romantic mojo.

1. Sex-cessful couples use the bedroom — for sleeping

Women who sleep an extra hour at night experience more sexual desire the next day and a 14 percent increased likelihood of having sex, according to one study. Maybe it’s because their partners are better rested as well: Not getting enough sleep has been linked to erectile dysfunction and a lack of testosterone in men. “A lot of your hormones and sex hormones are actually produced during good sleep,” says Graham King, M.D., a family medicine physician with Mayo Clinic Health System. Aim for at least seven to nine hours per night; anything under six on a regular basis could be setting you up for trouble.

One key to better sleep and better sex: Don’t bring your smartphone to bed. A study conducted by tech solutions company Asurion looked at the bedroom habits of 2,000 U.S. adults and found that 35 percent of respondents said their sex life had been impacted by their or their spouse’s bedtime phone use. “The phone acts as a barrier to intimacy by distracting attention away from your partner, creating distance between you,” says Lori Beth Bisbey, a clinical psychologist and host of the A to Z of Sex podcast. “Great sex needs both people to be present and focused on each other — and little else, actually!”

2. Sex-cessful couples never crash diet

Almost every trendy approach to losing weight, from keto to intermittent fasting, involves cutting out certain food categories and thereby restricting calories. Maybe they’re fat or carb or protein calories, but the fact is that not getting proper nutrients can have an impact on your sex drive.

“We need protein, we need fats to be able to build those sex hormones and keep our different muscular systems, including our genitals, working right,” says King. Sex, he says, requires a lot of blood flow, an array of hormones, and precursors to different kinds of amino acids we need for vasodilation “and, of course, ultimately, orgasms. So if we’re malnourished, we don’t have the fuel to get there.” If you’re trying to lose weight, do it intelligently. Eat a well-balanced diet high in produce, lean meat and fish, and whole grains, with a minimum of sugar and ultra-processed foods. (AARP’s best-selling guide to 50-plus nutrition, The Whole Body Reset, is now available in paperback.)

3. Sex-cessful couples soak up the sun

You’ve no doubt heard about the importance of vitamin D, and perhaps you’ve asked your doctor to check your blood levels. If not, and if you live in the northern half of the nation, a lack of vitamin D might be interfering with your love life. Low D has been linked to decreased erectile and orgasmic function, as well as diminished sexual desire. But supplements in winter can help: Additional research has found that supplementing with vitamin D can improve sexual function and mood in women with low vitamin D levels. To get more D from your diet, prioritize vitamin D–fortified foods like milk or yogurt. If you prefer to get your vitamin D from being outdoors, remember that you also need to protect yourself: The median age of people receiving a melanoma diagnosis is 66.

4. Sex-cessful couples work their muscles

Working out increases sexual arousal in women and helps combat erectile dysfunction in men. But more important, exercise — especially vigorous exercise that stimulates our muscles — is critical to our libidos.

When we exercise, the stress on our muscles stimulates the hypothalamus to produce sex hormones, says King: “It stimulates an effect that goes through our pituitary to our adrenal glands to start building those precursors to testosterone, estrogen and progesterone.” Without that stimulation, our brains never get the signal that it’s time for lovin’.

The American Heart Association recommends at least 150 minutes of moderate exercise per week, 75 minutes of vigorous-intensity exercise or a combination of both, adding in resistance or weight training several days a week. But don’t overdo it; one study found that men who engage in intense endurance training for long periods of time had reduced libidos.

5. Sex-cessful couples avoid late-night sweets

Many of us enjoy a good after-dinner treat. But dessert is one thing — a midnight snack is something else.

“Eating sugar before bed causes insulin release and can temporarily suppress testosterone levels,” says Raevti Bole, M.D., a urologist at the Cleveland Clinic. Anyone who has felt a crash after a sugar high will understand this effect. “This can make you feel sluggish and sleepy, which can tamper with your arousal,” Bole adds. If you’re hungry before bed, opt for something less sugary, like a piece of fruit, crackers and cheese, or dark chocolate. Avoid processed treats, desserts and sugar-sweetened beverages in the hours leading up to bed.

6. Sex-cessful couples drink a lot

Not booze — water. Water makes up 75 percent of the total body weight of newborns, but as we age, that percentage drops; in older adults it can be 50 percent or lower. And that can impact our health and our sex lives.

Proper hydration is critical to the cardiovascular system, which is responsible for keeping nutrients and oxygen flowing throughout the body. Even mild dehydration can impact a man’s ability to achieve an erection, and for women, it can cause issues with vaginal lubrication and genital arousal, says Sheryl Kingsberg, division chief, Ob/Gyn Behavioral Medicine at the University Hospitals Cleveland Medical Center and codirector of the Sexual Medicine and Vulvovaginal Health Program at the UH Cleveland Medical Center.

Keep a water bottle nearby to sip on throughout the day; reduce your alcohol intake, as that can further dehydrate you; and incorporate water-rich fruits and vegetables into your meals and snacks.

7. Sex-cessful couples make their bed daily

Clutter can sneak up on you, causing stress that you might not even be aware of. One study found that cortisol levels in women with cluttered homes rose during the day and stayed high when the clutter remained; the effect was more powerful on women than on their partners.

“It is likely that this is related to the expectations that women will still be responsible for keeping the home presentable and the social approval inherent in having a lovely home,” says Bole. Chaos around us, she adds, “impacts our ability to concentrate and focus.” Another study that looked at the relationship between clutter and procrastination found that older adults with clutter problems tended to report a significant decrease in life satisfaction. Making your bed first thing in the morning gives you a sense of control that can help reduce the feeling of being a victim of chaos. Better yet, make it together.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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She’s Not Celibate

— She’s ‘Boysober’

Hope Woodard, a comedian and influencer, at Purgatory, a club in Brooklyn. Her decision to take a long break from romantic relationships has drawn an enthusiastic reaction from her fans.

The comedian Hope Woodard is spreading the word about her yearlong break from sex and dating. One fan calls it “this year’s hottest mental health craze.”

By Marisa Charpentier

A flock of mostly 20-somethings gathered on Tuesday night in a chapel-like building in Brooklyn to hear about a subject that has been a hot topic in religious spaces for centuries: celibacy.

Except no one was using that term. Instead, they were calling it “boysober.”

“I hate the word celibacy,” said the host of the event, Hope Woodard, a comedian and storyteller who grew up in the Church of Christ in rural Tennessee.

Ms. Woodard, who lives in Brooklyn, described herself as sex-positive — and sometimes wears a button that says “I heart female orgasms” to prove it. But after taking inventory of her dating life in October, and realizing that she had been in a relationship of some kind since kindergarten, she decided to take a year away from sex and dating.

With nearly half a million followers across TikTok and Instagram, Ms. Woodard, 27, started using the term “boysober” at the start of her journey. Now she is describing the experience in a monthly storytelling and comedy show, called “Boysober,” at Purgatory, an entertainment venue in Brooklyn’s Bushwick neighborhood that was once an administrative building of the Evergreens Cemetery.

At the first sold-out show, the approximately 100 attendees filled the seats and crowded around the small stage. Before introducing the lineup of comics, Ms. Woodard explained that she intended “boysober” as an all-encompassing term, one that meant abstaining from romantic relationships with people of any gender.

An audience comprising young women, some sitting, some standing, in a small club.
Audience members at Ms. Woodard’s recent “Boysober” show.

The audience of mostly women and nonbinary people often burst into knowing laughter as the comedians told stories about inconsiderate partners who had left pubic hairs on the toilet seat; offered an unrefrigerated cheese stick from their back pocket; and invited a different woman to a Halloween party they had planned on going to together.

During her time at the mic, Ms. Woodard described moments when she was the villain of her own dating story — times when she had led someone on, or had allowed herself to be treated poorly because she wanted attention.

A highlight was her story about going back to Tennessee and spending time with her grandmother, who has dementia. During the visit, she noticed that her grandmother kept sending texts to her ex — that is, Ms. Woodard’s grandfather — and grew angry when he didn’t reply. The thing is, her grandfather is dead.

“I’m like, ‘Mimi, you are going to be left “on read” till your grave!’” Ms. Woodard told the crowd, using a term for a text not responded to.

And yet, she recognized herself in that moment.

“Do you ever see your mom or your grandma doing something and you’re like, ‘that’s messed up’” — Ms. Woodard used a stronger word — “but then you’re like, ‘I know I’ve got that inside of me’?”

Ms. Woodard, wearing red tights, stands at the microphone onstage before a small audience.
Ms. Woodard’s stories of sex and dating included one about her grandmother’s texting habits.

A big part of the yearlong break from sex and romance is unlearning the unhealthy relationship patterns that often get passed down from generation to generation. “Maybe we are one of the first generations of women where we don’t actually have to plug into a man for, like, energy and power and whatever,” Ms. Woodard said.

Eliza Wright, an events planner from Brooklyn who was in the audience, said she knew what it was like to take a break from men. After a few bad sexual experiences in college, she stopped having sex for a couple years, and in that time she realized she wasn’t attracted to men at all, she said. She then fell in love with her longtime best friend Jess. The two are now married.

Ms. Wright, 25, pointed to the pressure on women to earn male attention. “When that dissolves,” she said, “there’s a whole new world that opens.”

Ms. Woodard said that, growing up in the South, she was raised to please others. Now, she said, she sometimes struggles with knowing what she wants. At its core, her “boysober” year is about learning how to say no.

“I’m a little bit angry at myself and angry at all the sex that I’ve had that I feel like I didn’t choose,” she said. “For the first time ever, I just feel like I have ownership over my body.”

Catie Kobland, 24, a nanny and graduate student in Manhattan who attended the event, said that she and her friends “go celibate” every so often.

“When you get out of a relationship, or you have a really bad situationship and dating or seeing people is tainted, and you want to rinse it from your mouth, I feel like the best way to do it is celibacy,” Ms. Kobland said. “It’s this year’s hottest mental health craze.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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When my partner was in the hospital, I missed his ex.

— Polyamory has only made my family stronger.

Alex Alberto (not pictured) says that through polyamory, their family has become more resilient.

By Alex Alberto

  • Alex Alberto (they/them) is a queer and polyamorous storyteller who lives in Upstate New York.
  • The following is an adapted excerpt from their memoir “Entwined: Essays on Polyamory and Creating Home,” which is available for preorder (out February 19).
  • “Entwined” tells the story of Alberto’s decade-long polyamorous journey toward a new kind of family.

My partner entered the hospital room in a blue gown, his clothes stuffed in a clear plastic bag.

“You left the back untied!” I said, with a forced chuckle.

“Oh, they see hairy butts all day long,” Don replied. “Plus, most of their patients aren’t as sexy as me…”

Standing in the doorway, he pulled his gown up and lifted his thigh, toes seductively pointed on the floor. I rose from the chair, smiled, and snapped a picture of him. I knew he was trying to set a mood that meant this wasn’t a big deal. In the five years we’d been together, I’d pictured him dying or falling seriously ill hundreds, maybe thousands of times.

The author's partner, Don, while in the hospital.
The author’s partner, Don, while in the hospital.

I’ve always been worried that something would happen to Don

I’d always imagined it would be around his 51st birthday, the age my father was when he had a stroke that left him paralyzed and unable to speak. I’d had intrusive thoughts about all my loved ones suddenly dying or getting sick ever since. Every time I’d voice my fears, Don patiently held me and said he’d live healthily for a very, very long time. But here he was, at 40, about to undergo heart surgery.

While Don was in the operating room, I sat on the blue vinyl chair in his office, grateful that his research center was in the hospital and that I had a quiet place to cry. I had a pile of memoirs and hours of crime podcasts saved on my phone.

“The procedure can take anywhere between three and 10 hours,” a nurse had told us, shaking her head. I looked at the books at my feet and didn’t pick any up. I turned the fluorescent light on, and turned it off. I looked at the psychology diplomas behind his desk. He had finally gotten them framed, 10 years after his last graduation. I sat on the floor and leaned on his desk.

The author and their partner, Don. They are sitting in the passenger seat of a car while Don is driving.
The author and their partner, Don.

During his surgery, I considered reaching out to his ex

I thought of calling Bridget, Don’s ex. Don met Bridget a year into our relationship; they’d dated for three years. Bridget broke up with him the summer before. He was over her, but I still missed her. She and I texted here and there, but it seemed inappropriate to call now.

Before Bridget, I’d never felt the power of a metamour bond — the bond with my partner’s partner. Don had a few girlfriends who were around for a few months, but we never clicked. One had a high-pitched, nasal voice that scratched my insides, another answered all my questions with a single word. But Bridget was present in conversation, and, like me, initiated her journey into polyamory while single. “Monogamy was a coat that never fit quite right,” she’d told me. She was a kindred spirit. I felt seen.

The success rate of Don’s procedure was high, so my rational brain trusted everything would be fine, and that his arrhythmia would disappear. But I also imagined sitting in a waiting room alone 10, 20 years down the road, a doctor telling me they couldn’t save him. That anticipated grief cinched my insides.

I then imagined that Bridget was part of that hypothetical future. I pictured us holding each other while crying, reminiscing about Don’s quirks: his bedside table full of protein bar wrappers that he ate in the middle of the night, how he mindlessly wiggled his thumb above his phone when he was reading the news, the way he kissed us both on the back of the neck. Sharing the pain of losing a partner made the possibility of it seem bearable.

Through polyamory, I’ve made connections beyond my own partners

When I began my journey into non-monogamy, I was focused on the freedom of developing romantic and sexual intimacy with multiple people. But in my relationship with Bridget, I realized metamours could become core members of my family.

Don’s surgery went well, but I couldn’t shake the creeping worry that I had become too reliant on him. That my identity and well-being were primarily tied to him. While I’d had other committed partners since meeting him, those relationships had ended. But I didn’t expect that Bridget breaking up with Don could also break my heart.

Polyamory has shown me a way to expand my family and make it more resilient. My life experience has made me acutely aware and sensitive to the vulnerability of the nuclear family. My half-sister’s father drowned when she was 11. My uncle was a trucker and died in an accident when he was in his early 30s. Both my grandfathers died of heart attacks in their early 60s. My father had his stroke well before his retirement age. When I think of a resilient future, it necessitates having multiple life partners. I need to know my stool won’t get knocked over if one leg breaks.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!