Category: Open Relationships

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What’s an Open Marriage?

Here’s What to Know About the Relationship Style

For one, it’s an arrangement built on lots of trust and communication.

By Emma Glassman-Hughes

The concept of open marriage has long existed in society’s periphery. Couples consensually creating mutual arrangements that work for their needs is a good thing, but historically, the subject has been too taboo to be talked about openly. Thankfully, recent years have seen a shift in society’s attitude towards alternative relationship styles. Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith’s willingness to be candid about their open marriage—whether it’s on Jada’s web series Red Table Talk or in magazine profiles—and other celebs who’ve been outspoken about their flexible marriage agreements (like Mo’Nique and husband Sidney Hicks and Nico Tortorella and Bethany Meyers) have given way to a greater cultural understanding of open relationships or marriages. But still, misconceptions persist.

Sex educator, author, and therapist Lucie Fielding says open marriages get falsely characterized in all sorts of ways. For one, some people cast them off as desperate attempts to hold together relationships that are failing anyway. But Fielding says that’s far from what open marriage is about.

“There’s sometimes this misconception that you’re trying to fix something in your partner or in your relationship,” she tells Cosmopolitan. “It’s not about that. It’s about being honest, it’s about [creating] an agreement, it’s about growing with one another.”

She says some people fear open relationships because they fear jealousy. But Fielding says she believes the presence of jealousy is not actually a bad thing. “The presence of unprocessed jealousy is the problem,” she says. And opening up your marriage can help you work through some of those feelings together.

Atlanta-based sex educator Wendasha Jenkins Hall, PhD, founder of The Sensible Sexpert, says another misconception is that open marriages have no structure.

“When we think of open marriage, a lot of people assume it’s a free-for-all,” she says. But the truth is that open marriages often have tons of structure—it’s just structure that the spouses have created together, tailored to their specific needs, rather than a blind acceptance of the normative structure that defines monogamous marriages.

“More often than not, the [open] couple has boundaries around what takes place, when it takes place, and who they can engage sexually,” Hall explains.

There are plenty of reasons to open up a marriage, like exploring different desires, kinks, or sexualities. Maybe an open marriage is a way to make up for the discordance between aromantic and alloromantic spouses. But if you’ve only ever known monogamous relationships, it’s hard to know if an open marriage could be right for you. Read on for everything you’ve ever wanted to know about open marriages and why you might want to try one for yourself.

What is an open marriage, and what is it not?

Hall says an open marriage starts with “two individuals who’ve come together legally and spiritually” but who permit one another to engage in sexual or romantic relationships with other people.

“That’s just the baseline of what we think an open marriage is,” she says. “But there are specific boundaries that are put in place for each couple. The beauty of an open marriage is that it’s really up to the couple about what they consider an open marriage.”

She explains that open relationships of any kind—and open marriages especially—are a mix of rigorous boundary-making and total imaginative freedom. The limitlessness of an open marriage is grounded in a lot of hard work shared equally by the couple, and all parties should be aware of the expectations.

So what is an open marriage not? Static or binding. “What openness implies is there’s a possibility of closure,” Fielding says, meaning that, above all else, open marriages should be responsive to the needs of you and your spouse. If the two of you decide that, meh, this whole open marriage thing isn’t for you, you can close it right back up and carry on with your monogamous lifestyle.

The same way having kids is probably not going to repair a broken relationship, opening up your marriage is not a band-aid for other relationship problems. “Open marriage is never something to use to fix a relationship,” Fielding warns. “That will only exacerbate the issue.”

What are the different forms an open marriage can take?

Open marriages and relationships, more broadly, are highly specialized to the needs of you and your partner(s), so there’s really an infinite number of ways to express your relationship.

To appreciate the many forms an open marriage could take, Fielding refers clients to the Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord. It’s basically a big flow chart full of relationship characteristics, wants, and needs—everything from ways you like to be touched to ways you relate hierarchically or financially. You and your partner(s) get to mark up the chart with your yeses and your nos and your maybe-in-the-futures, filling up your metaphorical plate with all the goods that you mutually agree would make your relationship the most delicious.

Some open marriage agreements have names that we all recognize. Swingers, for example, are couples who choose to engage with other couples together. They might go to a swingers’ club or party where they’ll hook up with other couples and engage in some partner-swapping. In that instance, Hall says, their rules might stipulate that they only engage with other couples when they’re together, and not individually. “That’s still an open marriage,” she says.

Some couples prefer to open their marriages in different ways, allowing each spouse to “have a girlfriend, boyfriend, or sexual partner on the outside” that their spouse isn’t involved with at all, Hall says.

Some outside partner(s) may actually live with the married couple. “It may be what we think of as polygamy, but it’s not always,” she explains. “You could have a married couple that has a live-in girlfriend, boyfriend, or romantic partner. It really is how the couple is defining it.”

What’s the difference between open marriages, polyamory, polygamy, ethical non-monogamy, and just plain cheating?

Sometimes these terms are used interchangeably, but they describe different things. Polyamory, for example, typically involves more intimate, loving relationships between multiple people, whereas an open marriage could involve any kind of extraneous relationship on the attachment spectrum, from a deep emotional connection to a one-night stand. Where they overlap, though, is that both polyamory and open marriages are expressions of ethical non-monogamy. This, Hall says, means you have to inform your partner of your desire to open up your marriage, and they have to consent to it.

An open marriage without that mutual understanding would constitute cheating, unless you and your partner specified otherwise. “In an ethically non-monogamous open marriage, you have an agreement, you create boundaries,” she says, as opposed to “cheating” or “being manipulative.”

“If a person feels they have to do it in order to keep their partner—like, I have to engage in this threesome or I have to allow my partner to go out and sleep with people because that’s the only way they’ll stay with me—then you’re being coerced,” Hall adds. “That’s not consent.”

As for polygamy, while an open marriage may involve multiple loving, connected relationships, it does not always involve multiple marriages, which is what polygamy is. Fielding says there’s sometimes slippage in people’s understandings of polygamy and open marriages, but they’re typically two distinct relationship styles.

What if I’m interested in an open marriage but I don’t know where to start?

Fielding recommends that you educate yourself about open relationships and nontraditional relationship structures before you bring this desire to your partner. “Dig into the various structures that are possible and think of what feels best for you and your partner—the couple at the heart of this agreement,” she says. Browse through Liz Powell’s book Building Open Relationships, and Jessica Fern’s Polysecure. Scan online forums and groups like Ready for Polyamory. And once you feel ready to take your findings to your partner, be prepared to be flexible.

“The structure is developed in concert with each partner and what they need,” Fielding says.

If you need help navigating the transition with your partner—which, like, you’re trying something brand-new here! It’s totally chill to want some expert guidance—Fielding recommends seeking relationship therapy or coaching with a professional who specializes in non-monogamy, polyamory, and open relationships.

What if my partner and I don’t agree on opening up our marriage?

Sometimes, one spouse wants to open the marriage while the other doesn’t. Hall says this requires some compromise, which isn’t always even. “A lot of time, that compromise ends up coming from the person who wants to open things up,” she says. “That can cause problems and lead to resentment that spills into other aspects of the relationship.”

That being said, Fielding explains there’s a fine line between expressing your own relationship needs and pressuring a partner into opening a relationship. If one of you is resistant to opening the relationship, the goal shouldn’t be to convince the other partner, she says. “It’s not about setting an ultimatum because that’s exerting power and control over the relationship.”

She adds: “If you’re feeling coerced, there’s no agency or forum to process feelings, fears, anxieties, or jealousy. And that’s something to really look at.”

Not everyone is going to be open to the idea of an open marriage. But Hall notes that “there are plenty of partners who’ve successfully navigated the process of opening up their marriage.”

Some open up a marriage and quickly decide it’s not for them. That’s okay too. You can close it back up or adapt in whatever ways you and your spouse see fit.

“An agreement is a deep conversation between partners that is renegotiable over time, as things happen over a relationship,” Fielding says. “Our relationships are constantly going through transitions just as our bodies are. It’s an opportunity to grow.”

How can I know if an open marriage would work for me?

Because monogamy is the default dynamic for most couples, it’s normal to be curious about open relationships but unsure of how it might work for you.

It’s totally possible for marriages that started off as traditionally monogamous to transition into something open. If, as you grow as a couple, you see that your sexual or romantic needs aren’t being completely met by your spouse alone, then it might be time for a conversation about opening up your marriage.

“It’s never healthy to make your partner responsible for all of your sexual or romantic needs, wants, and overall happiness,” Hall says. “There are some things that your partner is not gonna be able to do for you all of the time, and you shouldn’t expect that.”

But in order to make your open marriage work, both spouses have to be willing to put in the necessary effort. “It’s a constant conversation. It’s not a ‘set it and forget it,’” Hall says. “Our relationships evolve, especially relationships we’ve been in for a long time.”

Opening up a marriage invites a lot of exciting possibilities but also a lot of emotional considerations. After all, an open marriage means you’re adding onto your existing dynamic. “When you’re inviting other people into your marriage, you’re also inviting other emotions and other personalities,” Hall says. “The people who we go and sleep with, they’re not our sex toys. They’re not just people that we use and dispose of. They have their own feelings, they have their own personalities that we have to manage as well.” How you handle and maintain those other relationships is also a conversation you should have with yourself, your partner, and everyone involved.

While, yes, there are a lot of moving parts, ultimately an open marriage is an opportunity to be honest with yourself and your partner about how best to meet both of your needs while still remaining committed to one another and the relationship you’ve built together. And that, in and of itself, can bring you closer.

“It’s important to remember that even within a monogamous or closed context there’s still a set of relationship agreements,” Fielding says. Open relationships just force you to outline them explicitly and intentionally—something every relationship could benefit from more of, no matter how you slice it.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Polyamory vs. an Open Relationship

— What’s the Difference?

By Emma Singer

There’s been some buzz about ethical non-monogamy of late, and even if sanctioned sleeping around is so not your cup of tea, you might still be a little curious to know how it works. Well, that depends on what type of ethical non-monogamy you’re talking about—because, yes, these types of relationships come in different forms. So let’s start with polyamory vs. open relationships: It might sound like the former is just a fancier way of referring to the latter, but that’s not the case. There’s plenty of overlap between polyamorous and open relationships (*draws venn diagram*), but there are meaningful differences, too. We went to clinical psychologist Dr. Bethany Cook to help parse the details. Read on for the full scoop.

What is polyamory?

Does your love tank have enough for more than one person? If you’re in a polyamorous relationship the answer is ‘yes.’ This type of ethical non-monogamy isn’t about having more sex (though there will likely be more of that, too), it’s about having the freedom to fall in love and share an emotional connection with more than one person. What makes this ethical is that all involved parties are on the same page, which means the details of the arrangement are up for discussion. Beyond that, there aren’t too many rules.

Interestingly enough, polyamory doesn’t necessarily mean every person in the relationship has more than one love interest. Someone who identifies as solo poly is in a relationship with just one person, and that one person has an outside relationship, or several. In other words, solo poly is polygamy, polyandry or some (possibly non-binary) combination of the two that everyone feels good about. In other instances, both partners have outside relationships.

There are also open poly relationships—meaning that new partners can be brought on board—and closed poly relationships, in which the group is done growing. Whatever the case may be, the key to polyamory is that all relationships are considered equal—you know, so that everyone in the love triangle (square, pentagon, what have you) feels empowered, happy and secure. 

All this might sound like a lot of extra work, but Cook tells us that a healthy poly relationship can actually make things easier for some folks—namely because, if you’re doing it right, “you’re not responsible all the time for everyone’s needs. In fact, yours and everyone else’s needs can be met more consistently when there are options because there’s more support present.” (It takes a village, right?)

What is an open relationship?

Now it’s time to talk about open relationships. Fortunately, the concept here is a little simpler in that it just involves two partners who agree that it’s a-OK to have casual (but safe) sex with other people. The key word, though, is casual. In open relationships, emotional intimacy is exclusive to the two romantic partners, so feelings aren’t supposed to enter into the picture when it comes to outside sexual experiences. In general, couples who enter into this type of relationship enjoy both physical and emotional intimacy with one another and are fully committed, but have determined that both parties benefit from the sexual exploration and freedom that comes from keeping the below-the-belt borders, well, open.

What’s the difference between polyamory and open relationships?

The major difference between polyamory and open relationships is that, with the latter, one relationship is the clear priority and the rest is just some hot, sweaty sex on the side. Polyamory, on the other hand, is a much bigger investment in that it revolves around the idea that it’s possible to maintain full-blown romantic relationships—sex, emotional intimacy, commitment and all—with more than one person at the same time.

That said, both relationship styles represent a rejection of the more traditional, monogamous coupling in favor of a less constricting experience of romance. It’s also worth noting that in both polyamorous and open relationships, unhealthy power dynamics shouldn’t be present, and boundaries must be discussed and mutually agreed upon before the arrangement is underway (and consistently thereafter), lest it turn into a not-so-ethical non-monogamous situation. Bottom line: If monogamy feels unnatural to you, find someone who’s willing to explore some other options…but, whatever you do, remember that “being able to openly talk about and respect each other’s individual needs is important,” says Cook. Oh, and be sure to avoid the yucky patriarchal stuff, too.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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An Exploration of Ethical Non-Monogamy

Defining the terms and risks that come with unconventional relationships

By Michelle Talsma Everson

Chris Deaton and Elisha Thompson have been together over a dozen years and share a home lined with photos of family and friends in the college town of Tempe, Ariz., where they both work at Arizona State University. Both are graduate students and volunteer for causes they’re passionate about.

As they schedule their busy lives, they make sure to keep space available for Thompson’s husband of over 20 years, as she sees him most often for Wednesday lunch and Sunday dinner.

As Thompson’s primary partner in their polyamorous relationship, Deaton isn’t close friends with Thompson’s husband, but they are amicable — making sure to circle each other respectfully so that Thompson can include both men in her life. It’s an untraditional set up, but one that works for them and a growing number of people who are embracing polyamory and other forms of ethical non-monogamy.

What is Ethical Non-Monogamy?

Deaton and Thompson identify as polyamorous, which is a relationship style where participants can engage in multiple romantic or sexual relationships with the consent and knowledge of those involved. What this looks like in day-to-day life varies. It is one of multiple relationship practices under the umbrella term of ethical non-monogamy (ENM).

“So for me, the ‘why’ behind polyamory is that it is possible to love more than one person and relationships don’t all have to look the same.”

“Honestly, for me, polyamory just happened,” Thompson explains about her journey. “I fell in love with someone after I was married. I also still loved my husband, and it did not feel honorable for me to just walk away from that relationship just because it no longer looked like it did when we got married. So for me, the ‘why’ behind polyamory is that it is possible to love more than one person and relationships don’t all have to look the same.”

As a broad term, ENM covers a wide array of open relationship dynamics. The common denominator is consent — all parties involved know and fully consent to the open nature of the relationships. It is estimated that one fifth of the population has participated in an ENM relationship at some point in their lives.

Deaton and Thompson share that their lives have been changed for the better because of their journey into polyamory. Both advocates for education, the two founded their own nonprofit organization called Truly Beloved, which is dedicated to the education and support of a sex positive lifestyle.

Under the Truly Beloved banner they regularly teach classes and facilitate both virtual and in-person discussion groups centered on non-monogamy.

“For most folks, I believe non-monogamy offers an opportunity to live a different lifestyle that aligns more with how their hearts feel rather than what society has said is deemed appropriate,” Deaton says.

Ethical Non-Monogamy Terminology

While ENM is a term that encompasses a wide variety of practices, some forms of ethically non-monogamous relationships include:

Polyamory: Polyamory focuses on maintaining multiple relationships with everyone’s consent and knowledge. Within these relationship styles, there can be:

  • Solo polyamory: Where someone maintains multiple relationships but not necessarily traditional relationship milestones like living together, joint bank accounts, and others.
  • Hierarchical polyamory: Where those involved have a hierarchy of primary and secondary partners, and often establish rules to go with the order.
  • Non-hierarchical polyamory: Where there is no stated order or “main couple.”

Swinging: When an established couple has sex with other couples.

Open Relationships: Where couples are open to other romantic or sexual partners.

Polyfidelity: A group of partners where everyone is equal in the group relationship, and no one establishes relationships outside of the group.

Relationship Anarchy: An approach to relationships that often has few established rules or expectations other than the ones agreed upon by the people in the relationships.

ENM After a Life of Monogamy

For those who are interested in ENM in their later years, Deaton has some words of wisdom. “Ask yourself why and figure out what exactly appeals to you and what you are looking for on this journey,” he says. “Read a few books, ask people that participate some questions. Develop some boundaries related to personal physical and emotional safety — it is nice to have some guardrails when first exploring a new world.”

“Then I always tell people to ask themselves, ‘If you were looking to date, would you date you? If not, why?’ In my experience, most of the work needed by people looking to get into non-monogamy is the deconstructing and removing of past ideals and norms and learning to look at intimate relationships in a new light,” he adds.

Deaton’s go-to book list for those curious about ENM and polyamory include: “Polysecure,” “More Than Two,” “The Four Agreements,” “Emotional Intelligence 2.0,” “The Jealousy Handbook,” “Life on the Swingset”, “Open,” and “Opening Up.”

“Polyamory is hard and requires vulnerability, complete honesty and compromise.”

Susan Wright is the founder of the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF), a national nonprofit organization that advocates for the equal rights for consenting adults who engage in alternative sexual and relationship expressions. She has identified as non-monogamous for decades.

“Local polyamory meetups seem to be the most common way to get access to community events and socials,” she says. “Go slow and start talking about it. You have to be able to talk about it before you can do it. You can start exploring as a team, if that’s more comfortable for you, and make agreements together, like a safe word you can use that is the signal to stop and step away to talk to each other.”

Out of the Shadows, Not Out of the Woods

While ethical non-monogamy is becoming more common, it’s not without its risks. 

“Polyamorous people are discriminated against because of their relationships. If it comes out at work, polyamorous people can be harassed or even sexually harassed, and yet the workplace will label the polyamorous person as the distraction when they’re being treated badly,” Wright says. “You can also have child custody issues due to the fact that family courts don’t like it when multiple adults live together in a house with children, even though many multigenerational and extended families live together without being discriminated against.”

She advises that anyone who experiences discrimination due to ethical non-monogamy contact the NCSF for a list of resources to help.

And, of course, entering an ethically non-monogamous relationship can bring up issues that need to be navigated within already established relationships.

“Polyamory is hard and requires vulnerability, complete honesty, and compromise,” Thompson says. “I live with my day-to-day partner [Deaton] and spend time with my husband multiple times a week. That on top of work, writing, and other responsibilities means that I rarely get time alone to just relax and reflect. Having multiple partners means that your time is even more limited. I also often struggle with feeling guilty when I’m not available to do something with one of my partners.”

She continues, “On the other side, I often struggle with jealousy too — just because I have two partners doesn’t mean I’m immune to jealousy. It is all worth it, but it is something that everyone should consider before taking the leap into polyamory.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to define the rules of an open relationship

Set some ground rules about sex, what you can talk about, and what you want your families to know

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Open relationships are all about freedom – but that doesn’t mean you don’t also have to set some ground rules.

Entering into an open relationship, or opening up an existing relationship, is not a decision that should be made lightly. It takes some serious consideration, and part of that should probably include establishing some ground rules.

This isn’t about stifling anyone’s freedom, or closing off possibilities, but instead it’s about maintaining trust and respect with your partner as you both explore the option of entering into physical and emotional interactions with other people.

‘Going into an open relationship and a sudden change in relationship dynamic can lead to discrepancies when rules and boundaries haven’t been made clear,’ Ness Cooper, a clinical sexologist who works as a sex and relationship coach, tells Metro.co.uk.

‘It can be easy to overstep without realising, which in turn can jeopardise the safety of the relationship.’

Jealousy, insecurity and a feeling of lack of control can all rear their ugly heads when you step away from monogamy and try something different. But it doesn’t have to be difficult, toxic or doomed to fail.

Ness says that, as with so many things in relationships, good communication is key.

‘Setting time aside to have a conversation around setting relationships ground rules is important,’ says Ness. ‘Avoiding discussions like these after conflicts is key, as when in a heightened emotional state it can become easy to set unrealistic or unfair rules and boundaries.’

Ness says it’s also crucially important to remember to check-in with each other regularly, because even open relationship dynamics can change based on your experiences.

‘Sometimes, certain rules will need altering to make sure you both continue to feel safe within your primary relationship,’ says Ness.

‘Discuss not just the emotional concerns that open relationships can have, but also the physical.’

Why are rules and boundaries important in an open relationship?

While complete freedom may be appealing, without any kind of principles to guide you, it could descend into chaos quite quickly.

Ness agrees that rules are important because they give you the structure to explore things safely.

‘As soon as safety leaves a relationship dynamic it can be very difficult to grow further within that relationship due to the possibility of negative emotions arising and conflicts,’ she says.

‘Rules can help navigate emotions such as jealously and envy in a healthy way.

‘Jealously and envy can happen even when rules have been set within an open relationship, and it’s how couples navigate these in a healthy way that makes a big difference to their relationship.’

What ground rules should you set?

Every couple will have their own way of approaching this, and their own limits and boundaries about what is and isn’t acceptable in their relationship.

So, you need to find what works for you. But don’t be afraid to get into the details.

‘Rules around the type of sex you can and cannot have with people outside of your main relationship can be very important, and how you both can stay safe when it comes to using barriers and contraception,’ says Ness.

‘Physical safety of meeting-up with others is important too and you may decide that you shouldn’t meet up with others in certain locations to avoid conflicts from peers.’

‘Rules around the type of sex you can and cannot have with people outside of your main relationship can be very important’

Ness also suggests looking on open relationship dating apps to see what other couples have put as basic ground rules on their profiles.

‘Talk about these with your partner and whether or not they fit with your relationships goals, wants, and needs,’ says Ness.

‘Listen to your partner and how they interpret and express rules. This is important as it can be easy to see how you interpret rules, rather than listen to your partner’s interpretations.

‘We all have different outlooks on rules and boundaries. Listening to your partners interpretations will not only help you understand how to follow rules and boundaries you both make; it will also show that you are present within your main relationship and there for each other.’

Additionally, Ness says you should think about creating rules around what you’re both allowed to talk about.

‘Some open relationships don’t want to hear the details of dates that happen with others, and other open relationships will want to talk about everything,’ Ness says. ‘It can vary greatly, and learning what both you and your partner are comfortable with discussing is important.

‘Rules on how to deal with what you share with peers and family members are important too. Everyone has different relationships with their friends and family and some may want to keep their open relationship status private.’

What if you have different ideas about what the rules should be?

It’s completely normal to have different understandings of rules and boundaries, as a result, Ness says discussion about these differences is very important for couples.

‘The end result of setting rules isn’t always about having the same understanding of them completely, it’s more about maintaining and sharing the end goal and beliefs that the rules are supporting,’ Ness explains.

‘If your relationship’s internal goals and beliefs are extremely mismatched, then it could be a sign that you both want completely different styles of open relationship dynamics, which can lead to conflict.’

So, working out how you both can bring your end goals into alignment when it comes to opening up a relationship can really help – this may involve a lot of talking it out.

‘Discussing and sharing why some differences may be there, can help you both get to know each other on a deeper level and will help you form any compromises needed when setting rules for an open relationship,’ says Ness.

‘If you’re unable to accept your partner’s perspective on open relationships then no amount of rules will help to change that.

‘If you still want to workout how to add an open relationship into your relationship dynamic then seeking advice from a sex and relationship coach or therapist can help.’

How to make sure those rules are followed by both parties

Ness says it’s important to have an understanding that in an open relationship, following rules to the letter in every situation may not be possible. So you have to have a degree of flexibility and understanding.

‘Understand that rules, whilst important, can be influenced greatly by situations at the time,’ she says. ‘Not only have you both agreed on set rules, there will be other people entering into the relationship (even if that’s in a casual manner), who will have their own understanding of your rules and may interpret them differently.

‘Individuals who enter your relationship too will also bring their own rules and expectations.’

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What’s the Difference Between Ethical Non-Monogamy, Polyamory, and Open Relationships?

Here’s how to determine what’s right for you.

By Zachary Zane

Relationships used to be simpler. Traditionally in the United States, the vast majority of people in relationships were monogamous, whereas the few remaining more “adventurous” couples were in open relationships, meaning they slept with additional folks with the consent and knowledge of their partner.

That was it.

Now people aren’t just in open relationships, they’re in polyamorous, swinging, polyfidelitous, and monogamish relationships too. (And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. There are even more types of relationship styles out there.)

Even though the distinctions between these various relationship labels may seem insignificant, they’re necessary to differentiate the important nuances between each type of sexual and romantic connection.

In this explainer, we’ll break down everything you need to know about the main types of relationships that aren’t monogamous as well as tackle which type of relationship may work best for you and your partner(s).

Ethical non-monogamy

Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term for all types of relationships that aren’t monogamous, meaning it includes every single defined term below. The word “ethical” is thrown in to make it abundantly clear that non-monogamy differs from cheating and lying to your partner. In ethically non-monogamous relationships, all partners are aware of the dynamic and consent to their partner(s) either dating or having sex outside of the relationship.

Open relationship

Most simply, an open relationship is one where you can sleep with folks outside of your primary relationship or marriage. People in open relationships typically keep their relationships with others strictly sexual. They’re not trying to date or fall in love with another person—although that sometimes can happen—which can complicate things. There are numerous different types of open relationships, and many folks have various “rules” in place to decrease the likelihood of romance with another person. These rules may prohibit sleeping with the same person more than once, sleeping with friends, sleepovers after sex, and sleeping in the bed the couple share. Whereas some open couples prefer to share the details of their sexual encounters, others have a “don’t-ask-don’t-tell” policy. The important thing to note here is that the primary partnership comes first.

Swinging

Swinging falls under the larger “open” umbrella, but has more specific guidelines. As Gigi Engle, a certified sex coach and educator, tells Prevention.com: “Swinging is when a committed couple engages in sexual activities with others as a form of recreation, such as a swingers party. A couple may also private swing with another couple. It’s an activity a couple does together and is usually considered part of their shared sex life.” The key here is noting that these couples swing together. They aren’t having sex with others independently, and more often than not, are having experiences at a designated swingers event.

Monogamish

Almost a decade ago, relationship and sex columnist Dan Savage coined the word “monogamish” to describe relationships that were, for the most part, monogamous, but allowed for little acts of sexual indiscretion (with the partner’s knowledge). Folks in monogamish relationships don’t often have sex outside the relationship. When they do, it’s usually when one person is out of town for work. The sexual flings with others are, for lack of a better word, meaningless. There’s no emotion involved. I’ve noticed that those in monogamish relationships are much more likely to have a don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy than those in an open relationship, where the primary partners are sleeping with outsiders on a more regular basis.

Polyamorous

Polyamory comes from the Greek “poly” meaning many and Latin “amor” meaning love. Those who are in a polyamorous relationship have an intimate, romantic, and/or sexual relationship with more than one person. What can complicate things are folks who identify as polyamorous, yet are only romantically involved with one person. These people claim the poly label because they want to make it clear that they are open to the idea of loving more than one person at a time—and so too are their partners. They may also be actively dating other individuals, however, at the present moment, they’re currently only in a serious relationship with one person.

Polyamorous is different than polygamy, and as someone who identifies as polyamorous, we don’t like it when people conflate the two terms.

Polyamorous is different than polygamy, and as someone who identifies as polyamorous, I can tell you confidently that we don’t like it when people wrongfully conflate the two terms.

Polygamy is specifically when one man marries multiple women or vice-a-versa. Typically, however, it refers to the former, whereas polyandry would refer to when one woman has multiple husbands. Polygamy is rooted in a toxic patriarchy, where the man exerts his dominance over women, whereas polyamory (when done correctly) is egalitarian. That’s why individuals in polyamorous relationships typically loathe the conflation between the two.

Hierarchical polyamory

A specific subset of polyamory, those in hierarchical poly actually have a ranking system among their relationships. At the top is the person’s primary partner. Usually those practicing hierarchical poly live with that person, share resources, make decisions together, and they’ve been partners for a long period of time. Secondary partners are, well, secondary. They tend to get less time and resources from their partner. Primary partners also may have “veto power” prohibiting their partner from dating or seeing a specific person.

Many polyamorous folks aren’t fans of hierarchical poly because who wants to be considered a second or third priority? In the past, I know I’ve explained to folks that I have a boyfriend, but also date other people, which, in my mind, illustrates the same notion of hierarchical poly without the formality. However, folks who prefer hierarchical poly like the fact that there are clear expectations that come with the hierarchy, which can make the relationship(s) easier. If there’s ever a conflict, everyone knows the main person will side with his or her primary partner. That’s to be expected.

“Having a hierarchical poly relationship may be attractive in all the large parts it entails,” explains Engle. “You have a primary partner—one you can come home to and have a solid, ‘normal’ life with, as well as a secondary partner you can date, love, and have an entirely different kind of relationship with. It also helps to combat jealousy by knowing that if you’re the primary partner, you’re going to be the most important person in their life.”

Polyfidelity

Last but certainly not least is polyfidelity, where you have a romantic and sexual relationship where all members are considered equal partners and agree to limit sexual and romantic activities to only those in the group. People will also simply call this a “closed triad” or “closed quad” depending how many people are in the polyfidelitous relationship.

“People often think if you’re in a triad, you must be open to [dating and sleeping with] everyone, and this simply isn’t the case. It may be in some triads, but certainly not all,” explains Engle.

So, which type of ethically non-monogamous relationship is right for you?

Each ethical non-monogamous relationship style has its strengths and weakness, which is why it’s necessary to discuss with your partner what it is specifically you’re looking to get out of a being romantically and or/sexually involved with others. If you’re looking to spice up your sex life but you feel fulfilled romantically—perhaps swinging or a monogamish relationship would suits you best. If you have so much love to give and want to bring in another person to love and support, perhaps a polyfidelity or another form of polyamory is right for you and your partner(s).

“Since poly relationships are so outside of the ‘normal’ relationship styles we accept as a society, a lot of couples, triads, and individuals are in a position to create their own terms and agreements,” says Engle. “It isn’t like sexual monogamy, wherein two people are expected to default to total emotional and sexual monogamy. There are layers and grey areas in polyamory that are being negotiated between all parties involved.”

With ethical non-monogamy, things can also change over time. What starts as an open relationship can evolve into a polyamorous one. Or, after years of being polyamorous, you and your partner can decide you’d like to go back to being monogamous, or something else entirely. The key is being open about what it is you want and embracing all the beautiful changes that may influence your relationship as both you and your partner(s) grow together over time.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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This is what it’s *really* like to date someone in an open relationship

From drawing boundaries to catching feelings, here’s your guide to navigating non-monogamous situationships with someone who already has a partner

By Saskia Calliste

Thanks to celebrities like the Smith family, Bella Thorne and Shailene Woodley, more people know about polyamory, throuples, open relationships and ethical non-monogamy than ever before. A once-closeted expression of love is now out in the open – and once taboo relationship structures have opened up to people who disagree with traditional attitudes towards monogamy.

However, the growing conversation around open relationships, especially in high profile pairings like Will and Jada, tends to focus more on the couples themselves – but what about the people they are dating and forming relationships with outside of their socially recognised and validated partnerships?

Who are the unicorns? Who are the thirds? How do we navigate these new dating realities when we develop feelings for individuals who already have a partner (or two)? For many people, this line of thought brings up question after question but, after a recent experience of my own, I’m set on finding answers.

“Who are the unicorns? Who are the thirds?”

Last year, I was involved in a situationship with a man, let’s call him Jason*, in an open relationship. The title of “third” or “unicorn” was not something I had a right to – and that’s because I walked into the fringes of someone else’s open relationship, not having the first clue what I was getting myself involved in.

The rules with Jason were simple: “low-aggro and don’t catch feelings because my partner will always come first.” I thought that was fair, and I wasn’t exactly looking to get into a relationship with someone already spoken for. In fact, at this stage, I was pretty much on the same page as Jason: looking for fun and an antidote to the mess and stress of conventional dating. Where is the harm in that? Well, playing out like any early 2000s rom-com, I can tell you that this arrangement worked for a while before the inevitable happened: I caught feelings. Surprise!

“The rules with Jason were simple: ‘low-aggro and don’t catch feelings.'”

During the whole experience, I tried to keep it business as usual, seeing other people to avoid the tragic fate of my life turning into an unrequited love story. But the truth was, unlike in other types of polyamorous dating, where honest communication is encouraged, dating this individual left me without any bargaining power and made me feel like I couldn’t speak up for myself for fear of being perceived as too immature to deal with what I signed up for.

It was particularly difficult because, at least in the eyes of the guy I was with, I had no rights to these feelings of sadness, anger or upset because I wasn’t supposed to have them in the first place. I was made to feel disposable, cut off and disregarded like my feelings were completely irrelevant. Regardless of whether I willingly entered this situationship or not, that is a difficult position to be in.

My situation with Jason made me wonder if I’d ever consider dating someone in an open relationship again. From the little I did know, truly open relationships, ethical non-monogamy and poly relationships are supposed to be based on trust, openness and most of all respect – and that extends to casual dating as well as committed relationships. I knew that the kind of situationship I was involved in wasn’t representative of the community as a whole.

In search of answers about the realities of responsible and ethical non-monogamous (ENM) dating, I reached out to Ana Kirova. The CEO of Feeld, a progressive dating app with over 20 sexuality and gender options, and an ethical non-monogamous person herself, she’s just the kind of expert needed to guide any newbies through the ins-and-outs of dating someone in an open relationship. Want to know more? Keep reading…

Expert advice on dating someone in an open relationship

Q. First thing’s first: how do I know that dating someone in an open relationship is right for me when I’ve only dated monogamous people before?

There’s no straightforward response to that question – but after some self-education and soul-searching the answer might be a lot more clear. “Researching and expanding your understanding of open relationships can be really helpful to start giving definitions to what you might be missing in your current relationship. Books, blogs and podcasts can empower you to understand ethical non-monogamy and help you make an informed decision before entering a new relationship structure,” Kirova explains.

Finding community through apps an also be a great learning tool, she says.“Connecting with a community is another great way to learn about ENM and to feel less isolated in your exploration. Many people join Feeld to meet others who have already explored different relationship structures.”

And as Kirova emphasises, sometimes the healthiest thing is to be honest with yourself about what you don’t want. “As with exploring any desire, it’s important to go at a pace you’re comfortable with and to be open and honest with yourself and your partner(s). Be open minded and reflect on how you’re feeling – finding out ENM isn’t for you is an equally valid and empowering choice. Exploring is a practice on its own, so be patient and open with yourself.”

Q. I took the plunge and started casually dating someone who’s currently in an open relationship. What should I do if I start developing feelings for them?

Okay, this can be a sticky one! But as Kirova recommends, honesty and direct communication are the way forward.

“Be honest with that person and share how you feel. If the person you are dating feels happy in an open relationship, reflect on your own feelings and desires and whether you are willing to accept them and their preferred relationship structure,” Kirova explains. “It’s a good idea to research ENM and the different types of open relationship structures. It helps give things a name which allows for more confidence and clarity when you’re reflecting on them.”

“It may be the case that both of you need different things from a relationship”

But you also need to be having these kinds of discussions with yourself. “Be very honest with yourself and your desires, reflect on what is your preferred relationship structure and how far you are happy to negotiate if you are willing to negotiate at all,” Kirova says. “Something I really want to emphasise is that it’s okay to not want an open relationship or another ENM arrangement, wanting commitment within a monogamous structure is a valid and authentic choice, as long as you are clear with yourself that this is what you want.”

And ultimately, if these preferences don’t align, it may be a case of understanding that it’s best to break things off. “While you are being true to yourself and honest with your partner, be prepared that it may be the case that both of you need different things from a relationship and will need to part ways. And that is okay too.”

Q. I’m new to all this and don’t know a lot about navigating the non-monogamous dating world. Are there any red flags I need to be aware of in potential partners?

To begin, it’s good to have in mind that there’s no one “right” way to do ethical non-monogamy. “There are numerous ways of practising ENM, which can include a don’t-ask-don’t-tell relationship. However, it is essential that everyone has consented to the structure and boundaries of the relationship,” Kirova explains. “Like with monogamous relationships, ENM people can be unfaithful if they break the agreed relationship structure and disrespect their partners.”

There’s also a lot of lessons from the wider dating world that can apply to polyamorous situations. “The red flags are likely to be similar to people in monogamous relationships,” Kirova says. “If your partner stops communicating with you in the way that you need and is putting their desires before your needs then it is important you consider whether you are still happy in that relationship.”

And as always, open dialogue and equality are paramount within non-monogamous relationships. “If you begin to feel that your partner is making decisions for you and not discussing these openly and honestly with you to gain your consent then this undermines trust which is essential for any relationship structure including ENM,” says Kirova.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Beginner’s Guide To Swinging

& How Couples Can Get Started

By Kesiena Boom, M.S.

Have you ever been curious about what swinging is and if it might be something that could work for you? Whether you’re interested in trying swinging for yourself or just want to understand more about this form of nonmonogamy, here’s everything you need to know.

What is swinging?

“Swinging is a social practice involving sexual contact between consenting adults, which can involve swapping sexual partners or engaging in group sexual activities—but often is done in the context of a coupled relationship,” explains Lori Lawrenz, PsyD, a clinical psychologist with the Hawaii Center for Sexual and Relationship Health.

Swingers engage in sexual activities outside of their main relationship as a shared bonding experience with their partner. This means that most extra-relational sex that swingers engage in happens where their partner can see and/or join in with it.

Many swingers refer to themselves as being in “the lifestyle,” which essentially means that swinging (and often other behaviors such as kink and BDSM) are an integral part of their sexual identity and inform the way that they organize their lives.

Myths about swinging.

Importantly, swinging is not cheating or an affair, despite what people often might think. Swinging is based on a foundation of consensual nonmonogamy, which means that everyone involved has full knowledge of, and approves of, the sex that occurs outside of the main pair bond.

“Most swinging is not a sexual ‘free-for-all,'” Lawrenz says. “Rather it is an orchestrated manner of like-minded sexually curious individuals engaging in activities as a means of enhancing their relationship.”

There’s a misconception that swingers are people who “are unable to commit, do not know how to create boundaries, or are in troubled relationships,” says AASECT-certified sex therapist Janet Brito, Ph.D., LCSW. Another misconception is that it can help save a dying relationship, adds sexologist Shamyra Howard, LCSW. The truth is, in fact, the opposite.

“Swinging is not prophylactic for troubled relationships. It won’t prevent cheating, and it won’t save a relationship. Swinging is only recommended for couples who feel secure in their relationships,” Howard says.

Swinging vs. open relationships.

Swinging is often confused with having an open relationship, but the two terms are not entirely synonymous.

While all swingers technically have an open relationship (i.e., the permission to have sex with people outside of the relationship), not all people in open relationships are swingers. People in non-swinging open relationships often engage in their extra-sexual relationships without their partner present and sometimes even have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy regarding hookups. In swinging, couples do a lot more sharing of the sexual experiences and sharing stories with each other about any extra experiences, because this is erotic and exciting for people who like to swing. Some swinging couples also may only be “open” to outside sexual partners in specific situations, i.e., when the couple is jointly entering into a specific swinging experience together.

Swinging is also not the same as polyamory, as polyamory involves the creation and maintenance of romantic as well as sexual bonds with multiple people. “Unlike polyamorous individuals, swingers are not actively looking for other people to form romantic relationships with,” says sex therapist Aliyah Moore, Ph.D. “Typically, swingers are only looking to have sex with others with no or limited strings attached.”

Swinging is strictly sexual, and swingers often have minimal contact with and no romantic feelings for the people that they swing with.

What binds together all three concepts, however, is that they are all forms of consensual nonmonogamy and require a great amount of trust, communication, and honesty, says Brito.

Signs you might enjoy swinging:

  • You fantasize about engaging in sex outside of your partnership.
  • You get turned on by the idea of seeing your partner have sexual contact with other people.
  • You’re generally turned on by novelty and adventure.
  • You and your partner are good at communicating and know how to work through any issues that arise.
  • You are able to separate love and sex.
  • You like to watch porn featuring group sex, wife swapping, or voyeurism.
  • You and your partner trust each other completely.
  • You and your partner sometimes dirty talk about group sex or partner swapping.
  • You’ve had group sex in the past and thought it was hot.
  • You’re generally open-minded and sexually adventurous.

Important things to know before trying it:

1. Get to know the lingo.

Swinging comes with its own vocabulary. For example, one common form of swinging is for two couples to come together and “swap” partners for sex. You can engage in a “soft swap” or a “full swap” when you swing. A soft swap refers to engaging in anything up to oral sex with a person who isn’t your partner, and a full swap refers to intercourse.

It’s also worth knowing that a “unicorn” is a single woman who is open to sex with heterosexual couples (here’s our full guide to threesomes, btw), and that “closed door” refers to being OK with your partner having sex away from your line of sight.

2. Talk about expectations with your partner.

Make sure to have a detailed talk with your partner about what you will and won’t engage in when you swing together. Will you only engage in group sex together? Or will you swap partners with another couple? What are you looking to get out of swinging? Make sure that you both have the same goals and reasons for opening up.

It’s really important that you don’t coerce your partner into going along with what you want, Brito adds. Swinging will only be enjoyable if both parties are enthusiastic and informed.

3. Think about what safer sex precautions you’ll need to take.

It’s essential that you have a conversation beforehand about what forms of protection you’ll use and what level of risk you’re OK with. Using barrier protection methods such as condoms can lower your risk of STIs and pregnancies, but no protection is 100% secure. Therefore, you should discuss what you will do in the event of an unplanned pregnancy or a positive STI test.

4. Plan a check-in.

After your first time swinging, you’re going to have a lot of emotions! Hopefully they’ll all be positive, but it’s very likely that you might feel confused, guilty, or overwhelmed along with all the excitement.

A top tip is to put aside some time for you two as a couple to reconnect and check in with each other after the experience. You can discuss how the experience was for you, what went well, what was challenging, and anything you might like to alter if you try the experience again. Enlisting the help of a sex-positive therapist who specializes in consensual nonmonogamy can also work wonders in this situation.

5. Connect to a network.

Ready to dive in? “You can start off by attending a swinger’s club and watching before interacting,” suggests Howard. Check for local clubs in your area, and be sure to read the guidelines before showing up, she says. Make sure to practice good consent practices and be mindful of other people’s boundaries.

How to bring up the idea with your partner.

Telling your partner that you’re interested in swinging might feel like a little bit of a challenge. After all, the norm of monogamy is very strong, and even people who are turned on and excited by the idea of swinging might have some complicated feelings in the beginning.

To set the best base for a successful conversation, make sure to bring it up at a time when you know your partner will be in a relaxed mood with no pressing tasks to attend to.

“Gently bring up the topic by adopting an open and curious approach. Use ‘I’ statements to show ownership of your desires,” recommends Brito. “Ask questions to learn about your partner’s values, and practice nonjudgment if your partner is not on board. If this happens, agree to table the topic, and circle back at another time.”

In short, make the conversation a true conversation, and not just a statement of what you want. Really listening to what your partner says, and responding to it from a place of love rather than defensiveness, can take you a long way.

Once you have opened up the conversation, you can suggest that the two of you research swinging together. Framing it as a mutual exploration will make your partner feel more secure.

“If you’re the partner who initiates the conversation, make sure you get a clear ‘yes’ from your partner,” Moore adds. “Both partners in the relationship need to be at the same interest level when it comes to swinging before trying it.’

The bottom line.

Swinging, like all forms of consensual nonmonogamy, can bring a wide range of satisfying and exhilarating encounters that can deepen the bond between you and your partner. As long as you and your partner are both on board and in agreement about what swinging means for you, you can look forward to many happy, sweaty nights together!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Study finds consensual nonmonogamy a ‘healthy’ option

by Jeffrey Renaud

Consensual nonmonogamy within a relationship showed only positive outcomes on life satisfaction and relationship quality for the primary partners in a romantically involved couple—leading researchers to believe it to be healthy, viable relationship option.

“Consensual nonmonogamy relationships and those who practice them are often stigmatized,” Psychology professor Samantha Joel said. “Monogamous relationships are generally assumed to be of higher quality than non-monogamous ones, even among consensually nonmonogamous individuals.”

Not so, according to Joel and her collaborators at York University and the University of Utah.

For the first-of-its-kind study, the team recruited people interested in consensual nonmonogamy but had not yet engaged in it and observed them over a two-month period as they ‘opened up’ their relationships.

“We found no differences in or well-being before versus after people opened up,” said Joel, who serves as director of Western’s Relationships Decisions Lab. “There were also no differences found when we compared people who did versus those who did not open up their over the course of the study.”

According to the study, those who engaged in consensual nonmonogamy experienced significant increases in sexual satisfaction, particularly if they did so with the explicit goal of addressing sexual incompatibilities within their relationships.

The study, “A Prospective Investigation of the Decision to Open Up a Romantic Relationship,” was recently published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Real Couples Discuss The Key To Making An Open Relationship Work

By Morgan Mandriota

Monogamy is our society’s default relationship model. Once you find the one, you get engaged. Then you get married. And voilà! You’re with one person for the rest of your life. This might be a comforting happily ever after for some. For others, it can sound and feel like a trap. Good news: There are alternative options for those who feel limited by monogamy, one of which includes open relationships.

As it happens, more than 20% of people in the United States who participated in a 2016 study reported engaging in some form of consensual non-monogamy (CNM). “Open relationships can fall within a broad spectrum that depends on a couple’s needs and their comfort level,” explains dating coach and founder of The Broom List Tennesha Wood. “The term open generally refers to the practice of ethical non-monogamy [ENM] in which couples open their relationship to the possibility of including other people in some way; emotionally, romantically, and/or sexually.”

While open relationships are certainly becoming less taboo and more widely understood in the present day, there are still tons of misconceptions surrounding them. Wood says the most common include:

  • They’re all about sex.
  • People in open relationships are unable to commit.
  • People in open relationships are confused and don’t know what they want.
  • These types of arrangements mean one or both parties no longer want to be with the other.

None of the above are accurate. Open relationships don’t have to be purely physical. Commitment issues aren’t always the case, either. There doesn’t have to be confusion to have a more free-wheeling arrangement. And you can want to be with your partner while wanting others, too. So why would a couple choose non-monogamy? And why is it worth it for them to make their open relationship work despite the challenges that can arise?

TZR tapped Wood for her tips on how to navigate open relationships and interviewed individuals on why they choose to be in one and what they do to make it work.

Set Clear Boundaries

“Open relationships should not be entered into casually or without clear boundaries,” Wood says. “Each person should have a clear vision of what they want outside of their primary relationship. From there, they can decide which form of [ENM] best fits their needs.”

Wood lists four popular types of open relationships to choose from:

  • Monogamish: having occasional strictly sexual encounters with other people
  • Swinging: having sex with another couple or swapping partners
  • Polyamory: having multiple sexual and romantic relationships simultaneously
  • Relationship anarchy: having multiple relationships without a hierarchy; no relationship is “primary” and everyone is considered equal in terms of priority

She recommends couples discuss individual and shared boundaries by asking each other the questions like: How much do you want to know about who your partner is involved with sexually or romantically? Do you want to be there or participate in your partner’s sexual activities? Are there sexual acts that are off-limits?

“No matter where on the spectrum couples decide to land, open relationships will involve trial, error, and flexibility,” she says. “Open relationships can change and evolve and it’s important that couples openly communicate at every stage of the process and allow room for change.”

Prioritize Open Communication

Before opening up your relationship, Wood suggests ensuring your reasons and goals align. “For couples who have a healthy partnership, allowing others in can foster exploration, honesty, and communication,” she says. “Opening a relationship that has existing trust or communication issues will not solve those issues. In fact, it makes them worse.”

“I’m in an open relationship because, in my current partnership, this translates to radical honesty with ourselves and each other,” says Dez*, 26. “The sexy and difficult conversations strengthen my relationship and bond with my partner in a really intense way that wouldn’t manifest otherwise, and that’s why I prefer the ‘open’ paradigm we’ve created.”

For Gina*, 29, sharing feelings and needs is key within her open partnership (where she’s the only one who actively engages in non-monogamy). “Since I grew up religious, I always told my husband I wanted to know how it felt to be with someone else. I’d [spend] late nights talking about it and he wasn’t bothered or scared,” she recalls. He eventually told her he’d give her a hall pass, especially because having another partner could help to relieve her anxiety while he’s out of state for work for days. “He’d see that when he was gone days at a time, I’d have another partner and that’d help me a lot to be calm [before] he’d come back home.” She’s been with other people ever since.

While Gina’s husband is not choosing to engage in other relationships for himself, the two have figured out how to make the open dynamic benefit them both. “[Opening our marriage] strengthens us because we have no secrets and there’s no fear of cheating. I’ve always had a bad temper and when he allowed me to continue outside marriage relationship(s), it has made me be more patient. I’d get angry for very small things and now I think, ‘If he can allow me to have another partner and be so mature about it, why do I get upset about little things?’”

Remember That Jealousy Can Be A Factor

Don’t be fooled: Jealousy still exists in open relationships. And it takes a ton of self-awareness and openness to process it in a healthy way together in order to keep things from going awry.

“I’m lucky to have an extremely patient partner who’s willing to be really gentle and caring with me when jealousy and insecurity arise in me,” adds Dez, who feels prone to jealousy due to tumultuous past relationships. “He’s more able to hold jealousy as an emotion equal to any other emotion, and alchemize the feeling into something more sensual, rather than an ugly thing to be feared. This is something I admire in him and that I strive toward, because being controlled by an emotion, for me, feels like being in prison, and the door’s wide open,” she explains. “I want to be free! And I can, just by choosing not to cling to jealousy.”

Set Rules That Honor Your Needs

Some partners want to know every detail about every date. Others have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.

Aaliyah*, 24, has a sugar arrangement and additional casual partners outside of it. “[My sugar daddy and I] originally had an open [relationship] where we talked about our other partners, and this made him too jealous, so he didn’t want to talk [about them] anymore,” she says, noting that she personally loves hearing about his experiences.

As for Gina, what she “can and can’t” do changes with each partner outside of her marriage, but it’s always discussed and agreed upon with her husband. Some of the rules within her partnership over the last few years include:

  • Share your body but not your love.
  • Call when you arrive at a date.
  • Her husband has to be on board with each relationship.
  • Each new partner has to know and accept the fact that she has a husband and he is aware of the arrangement.
  • Make sure you feel safe, and call ASAP if not.

Breaking Free From Societal Norms

“What I like most about being in an open relationship is saying ‘f*ck you’ to the deeply entrenched religious institutions and misogynistic ideals I was born into,” says Nikki*, 28. “These institutions say that I’m fulfilled as a woman only when I enter marriage, that I must remain subservient and docile, that I must feel ashamed of any sexual encounter that lies outside of reproduction. These institutions (heteronormatively) tell me to hate other women who threaten my bond with my partner.”

For her, non-monogamy destroys those rules and offers space to get curious and explore ideas that make the most sense to her and her partner. “Being in an open relationship, for me, is about exploration, playfulness, and the diminishing of fear of the dark, messy feelings,” she says. “I’m aware of the journey ahead — to unravel many years of programming/conditioning that I didn’t have a say in and I’m ready for this hard work, for this opportunity to set fire to the shame that was never mine to carry.”

Embrace A World Of Endless Opportunity

Aaliyah personally enjoys having the freedom to explore her feelings to the fullest: “I don’t have to worry about if it’s OK or not. It should be OK!”

“If somebody gets jealous, we’ll generally talk about the value of the relationship,” she says. “If they’re OK with just not talking about it and keeping it under the table, that usually works. If not, it’s just not compatible.” It’s up to you and your partner(s) to decide which dynamics and rules work best for you. Openly communicating about your wants and needs will help you get there.

She also loves being able to experience other people’s worlds and lives. “I believe relationships are something to be explored and enjoyed, and they’re one of the most exciting parts of life,” she says. “I don’t believe in only one person forever. Yes to a life partner, but no to a one and only. It allows me to experience things outside of my normal realms of possibilities.”

Ultimately, it’s up to you and your partner to decide which rules work best for your relationship. Each partnership is different. But if these stories teach anything, it’s that open relationships are worth the effort if maximum freedom, pleasure, joy, and opportunities are your priorities.

*Last names have been omitted for privacy.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Could Opening Up Your Relationship Fix It?

By Quinn Rhodes

What does an open relationship have in common with getting married, having a baby and moving in with your partner? That’s right: none of them is a way to fix problems in a relationship. With an increased awareness of non-monogamous relationship structures, the myth that polyamory is a ‘fix’ for a broken relationship is also gaining momentum.

However, the reality is that non-monogamy isn’t ever easy – and it definitely won’t fix a relationship that’s not working.

Non-monogamous, polyamorous, open, monogamish – these are all words to describe relationships that fall under the umbrella of non-monogamy, where people date, have sex and have romantic relationships with more than one person. The language people use to describe their relationships, as well as the intricacies of how they work, is different for each person and each relationship. But one thing is generally true across the board: opening up your relationship is unlikely to be the solution to the issues you’re experiencing within it.

That’s not to say that people don’t try. Dr Liz Powell, a licensed psychologist specialising in non-monogamous relationships, explains that they see this a lot. They describe it as the phenomenon of “relationship broken? Add more people!” In Dr Powell’s view, too often people try to apply polyamory like a plaster when they’re struggling with differences in sexual desires or how they want to split their time and priorities.

An open relationship could, theoretically, help with those issues. In reality, problems often begin when someone is feeling hurt, unheard or unseen by their partner. Without resolving that conflict in the first instance, and instead just opening up the relationship, you allow that pain to fester and resentment to build on top of the struggles you’re already experiencing and, crucially, communication that perhaps isn’t working.

Dr Powell says: “If you’re already struggling to talk about what you want and need, if you’re already struggling to advocate for your needs or have those needs met, non-monogamy is unlikely to fix those problems – aside from the fact that it’s likely to end your relationship.”

If you’re already struggling to talk about what you want and need, if you’re already struggling to advocate for your needs or have those needs met, non-monogamy is unlikely to fix those problems.

If you’re already struggling to talk about what you want and need, if you’re already struggling to advocate for your needs or have those needs met, non-monogamy is unlikely to fix those problems.
Dr Liz Powell

For Sam, who is 30 years old and non-binary, opening up their relationship did bring it to a very necessary end. After half a decade without sex, and a partner who wouldn’t discuss it, they had given their then-partner an ultimatum: they could open up the relationship so Sam could get their sexual needs met or they could break up. Opening up their relationship “revealed all the weaknesses, all the communication flaws and the fact it was abusive”. So they broke up.

Sam realised that while they had initially approached polyamory for the “wrong” reasons, they still wanted it. Their monogamous relationship hadn’t been working and opening it up didn’t fix that – but it did help them understand what they actually want from a relationship.

Twenty-nine-year-old Ellen and her now-fiancé had discussed ethical non-monogamy for a while before they opened up their relationship, after she confessed that she had a crush on someone in her running group. Her fiancé told her it was totally fine and that he also had crushes on people sometimes. When they initially opened their relationship, they tried to enforce strict boundaries, like ‘no one we know’ or ‘no sleepovers’. “I found myself going back and asking if we could actually modify those rules,” says Ellen.

While these rules may seem to make sense, they run up against the fact that people are, well, people. Human hearts are hard to predict and even harder to control. Lots of couples approach non-monogamy like this, thinking that if they create the right rules then they won’t fall in love. The reality is far messier.

Dr Powell explains that strict rules about how people should and shouldn’t feel usually end up creating more conflict. “All it does is create new ways to have fights about people having feelings that are totally reasonable and normal feelings to have when you’re interacting with other people.”

Non-monogamy is not a wand you can wave and magically fix your relationship. It might just put it under a microscope and expose all the cracks in it.

In looking for a quick fix, people can seriously underestimate just how much work goes into opening up a relationship. Despite the tropes we see whenever polyamory gets any visibility, most non-monogamous people are not constantly attending sex parties full of super attractive people. It’s less throuples and threesomes, and much more coordinating calendars and having hard conversations about everyone’s emotions.

Both Ellen and Sam put in a huge amount of practical work to maintain their relationships. Ellen also has a secondary partner (a secondary relationship is one where, either by intent or by circumstance, the partners have less involvement than their primary relationship) and her open relationship with her fiancé really forces them to communicate. “We check in with each other constantly and plan our own date nights – particularly if we’ve been busy. And while that could mean with other people, more often it means with work or life stuff that bogs us down.”

Dr Powell says that monogamy and non-monogamy take the same skills and require the same things in order to function well – it’s just that in non-monogamy you can’t assume that the normal ‘scripts’ of a relationship apply. You spend more time communicating out of necessity, because you can’t fall back on society’s defaults about what your relationship ‘should’ look like.

Kelvin, who is 23 years old and a trans guy, has had to do a lot of personal growth to make his current non-monogamous relationship work. “I had to learn that it’s okay to be insecure and while nobody else owes you comfort about it, you should feel able to communicate and talk about it in your relationships.”

For Ellen, opening up her relationship gave her a lens to explore her own vulnerabilities and look at what’s important to her in a relationship. She’s learned how to handle rejection – something you don’t expect to feel the sting of when you’re in a long-term partnership – and the difference between privacy and secrecy.

While she likes to share her experiences as a way of feeling close to her fiancé, he prefers not to talk about the other people he’s seeing. She knows that this doesn’t mean he’s hiding anything from her: he’s allowed to process his feelings internally and he has different ways of building intimacy with her. “I’m learning to accept that I can’t be everything for my partner, just like he’s not everything for me. And that’s okay! He’s still my favourite person, and I’m thrilled to be building a life together with him.”

When non-monogamy works for people, all of this work is worth it, but in the process of normalising non-monogamous relationships, portrayals of polyamory often gloss over all of this work. And as Sam, who currently has two nesting partners and a girlfriend, points out – they miss out the laundry.

Even if you’re prepared to do the work (and the laundry), non-monogamy might not be for you. In certain non-monogamous circles, you find the idea that polyamory is somehow a ‘morally superior’ relationship structure. It’s not; it’s just a different relationship structure, one that may or may not work for you. However, there can be a sense – especially in queer spaces – that polyamory is the ‘right’ thing to do.

This is what Kelvin felt when he and his partner opened up the first relationship he was in. He says that they dove into it without understanding the difficulties that come with navigating non-monogamy. Having been socialised in online queer spaces, polyamory was considered a completely legitimate choice (which is excellent), but as a trans person who wanted to date other trans people, it also felt like the only choice Kelvin was given (which is not).

Associating non-monogamous relationships with always being the secondary partner and being held at an emotional distance, Kelvin wasn’t sure polyamory was for him. In his current relationship, however, his nesting partner really puts in the work to ensure he doesn’t feel replaceable or disposable. This time around, pursuing non-monogamy feels a lot more deliberate for Kelvin. “I’m doing it because I want to date and see all the people I’m dating and seeing, not because it feels like I have to choose between letting my partner date other people and not having a partner.”

It’s easy to hope that opening up a relationship will fix your problems. It’s much harder to look at what might be causing those problems and unpacking the assumptions you hold about relationships and how they’re not serving you. Dr Powell suggests that it’s unhelpful to think of opening up your relationship as adding more people to it. Instead, you should think about it as breaking down everything you know about your relationship and building it up from scratch.

In fact, whether or not you want a non-monogamous relationship, negotiating exactly what your relationship is going to look like – rather than relying on the scripts we’re sold as to how relationships ‘should’ look – will probably help you.

Non-monogamy is not a wand you can wave and magically fix your relationship. It might just put it under a microscope and expose all the cracks in it. Polyamory is incredible, sure, but it’s incredible because of the vulnerable and intimate ways we connect to other people. And because we’re human, with hearts that rarely behave exactly as we’d like them to and feelings that won’t always do what they’re told, those connections require as much work and investment as monogamous ones

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7 Signs a Monogamous Relationship Isn’t For You

According to a polyamorous sex therapist.

By Rachel Wright

Monogamy is all around us. It’s the relationship style we see every day in the media, pop culture, religion, and, generally, in our everyday lives.

Unfortunately, compulsory monogamy is also all around us. Compulsory monogamy culture assumes that everyone strives to be married (or partnered) to/with one person and finds complete fulfillment in that romantic endeavor. It’s the idea that this one romantic partner not only completes us, but also fulfills every need and desire we have. (And FYI, even if you do want one partner, it’s still impossible for that one person to meet all your needs).

Many people who are just beginning to navigate their sexual desires and romantic relationships are taught that monogamy is the only relationship structure available to them. As a polyamorous sex therapist, I believe when someone knows their options for relationship structures, they can decide what feels best for them.

Knowing that non-monogamy is an option does not mean that it will be for everyone — it simply allows people to decide what relationship structure and boundaries work for them while eliminating the shame some may feel when they have a hard time fitting into the monogamy mold.

It’s super important to note that practicing monogamy doesn’t put you on a higher moral ground than someone practicing ethical non-monogamy (ENM). And practicing ENM doesn’t put you on a higher moral ground than someone who is monogamous. Your relationship structure is just that. How you treat other humans determines what moral ground you’re on, not your relationship structure. Just trust that everyone is making the best, informed decision for what feels the best for their life.

So, let’s go over what exactly ethical non-monogamy is. Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term for all relationships where all partners are aware of the dynamic and consent to their partner(s) either dating or having sex outside of the relationship. Some of the ways folks can practice ethical non-monogamy are stranger sex, polyamory, random hookups, relationship anarchy, swinging, and friends with benefits.

Quite a few myths surround ethical non-monogamy, so let’s tackle the stigmas first before diving in!

Myth: Ethical non-monogamy is cheating.

Reality: Non-ethical non-monogamy is cheating. Cheating is the non-monogamy part without communication or consent. Anytime we aren’t being truthful to people who trust us is not ethical — ever.

Myth: Something is wrong or lacking in the “primary” relationship.

Reality: Practicing ENM brings folks closer together, presents many new challenges, and it’s not meant as a “hail mary” to save a relationship. Ideally, and in what I’ve seen in my practice, most folks who decide to try or practice ENM are fully happy together. In the same way that a single person ideally needs to be a complete human before entering into a relationship, a couple will have more success and have healthier relationships if they are solid and happy.

Myth: Ethical non-monogamy is an excuse not to commit.

Reality: Commitment doesn’t necessarily mean exclusivity to genitals, and everyone’s definition of commitment is different. Just like you can be committed to multiple friendships, you can be committed to multiple romantic relationships as well — and there’s nothing wrong with being single, whether you identify as monogamous or not!

Myth: Ethical non-monogamy is all about sex.

Reality: For some, yes, and that’s perfectly okay. For most, ENM is complicated because of our compulsive monogamous culture, and those complications are “too much” for “just sex.” It’s also a naive understanding of ENM, to begin with — we don’t assume monogamous people are only together for sex, so it’s silly to assume the same of ENM.

Myth: Ethical non-monogamy can’t work long term.

Reality: There are so many happy ENM individuals, couples, throuples, quads, and families living worldwide. Because of the compulsive monogamous culture we’re living in, we just don’t get to hear much about this!

Isn’t it interesting that it’s the societal norm to have one romantic partner, whereas it’s entirely “normal” for us to have many friends? We don’t ever ask, “won’t your other friends be jealous if you see that friend tonight?” Romantic relationships are relationships, just like friendships are relationships. Relationships are relationships are relationships are relationships are relationships are relationships. If you love your friend and your other friend, you know what it’s like to love two people and what it’s like to be in multiple relationships with varying levels of intimacy — sex or not!

Now that we’ve defined what ethical non-monogamy is and isn’t — let’s talk about the signs that monogamy may not be the best relationship design for you (and that you may be wired for ethical non-monogamy!) Please note that this list is not comprehensive. Also, every person is wired differently, so remember to take extra care and use compassion with yourself and others when thinking about this stuff.

Signs Monogamy Isn’t Right For You

You have a history of “serial monogamy.”

A serial monogamist feels most comfortable in committed relationships. They have a series of monogamous relationships and don’t typically take breaks between relationships to be single or to casually date. This is the closest thing to ENM there is while still practicing monogamy. Usually, when a serial monogamist ends a relationship to move to another one, it is because they want to try something new and have been told that means they need to end their existing relationship. So, they do — and the pattern forms.

You’ve cheated in your past relationships.

We talked about how cheating is “bad.” Still, often when someone cheats, it’s not because they are trying to be malicious — it’s often because they are missing something in their life, acting out, processing trauma, or trying to navigate a lifestyle that is expected of them.

For example, many people who cheat while married don’t wish to be divorced — but want a casual sex partner that isn’t their life partner that they do taxes with. This is an AND. Not everyone who cheats has intention — sometimes, they just do it without thinking. If you’ve cheated in past relationships, ask yourself about your motivation. Did you want out of the relationship? What were you looking for? Was something missing in your relationship, or was it truly an AND?

You don’t think there’s one person out there that can fulfill everything you desire, want, and need.

If you’re feeling this way, it’s likely felt super confusing at times when the world is screaming monogamy at us. And I want to remind you that it’s okay to try things out in our lives and see how they feel! You don’t have to label yourself as something to try it out — you can try it on for a bit and see if it feels natural and most you. The same goes for ENM relationships!

If this is something you have been desiring, by all means, start ethically dating multiple people and exploring this part of you. What’s interesting about toxic monogamy culture is that it doesn’t realize that we already have so many people in our lives meeting different needs for us — it’s not just our partner(s). If you want this but in a romantic capacity as well — go for it! It’s out there!

You have or have had the desire to have multiple sexual and/or romantic relationships at once.

I want to put this in perspective for you — sex and romance with different people are just that, different. I’ve heard people say, “but won’t you be worried your partner will leave you if they have better sex with someone else?” There’s a lot to break down here, but firstly — no, I’m not. If what’s keeping my partner with me is solely my genitals, we have much bigger problems. Relationship foundations aren’t just based on sex and romance, AND it’s quite natural to want this kind of intimacy with multiple people.

You’ve felt the desire to explore a relationship more freely than you’ve been able to.

Have you ever met someone and immediately felt chemistry of some sort? It’s that feeling of “wow, this person needs to be in my life, and I want to know them and do things with them” — even before knowing what those things are? Yeah. Same.

Usually, we meet people in a context — we’re set up on a romantic date, or we get introduced to someone for business — we’re told the role this person could and will play in our lives before we even interact with them. If you’ve ever felt the feeling or thought, “I wish I could see what was really here between us,” sexually or romantically, you may be wired for ethical non-monogamy.

Something is missing for you — even though you adore your current partner.

One of the myths monogamy teaches us is that it’s “wrong” or “bad” if our one partner doesn’t meet all of our needs. “Well, they must not be “the one” if we feel like something is missing for us,” we’ll think or say to ourselves.

Just because you want more of something or want an AND doesn’t have to correlate with how much you love your current partner. It’s just the reality — you want more. And that is absolutely 100%, a-okay.

You believe that communication is important, emotions are valuable, and it’s worth having hard conversations to live a life you’re fulfilled with.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “Oh my goodness, okay, that’s me, I think I want to try ENM, but how do I even bring this up to my partner? Don’t worry; I’ve got you.

When approaching our partners about new desires, possibilities, or opportunities, it’s best to approach them with gentleness, curiosity, and empathy — always empathy.

It starts with AEO — acknowledge, explain, offer. Acknowledging to your partner that you understand where they are coming from helps let them know that you care about their feelings and emotions, too. Explaining and being honest about your feelings helps them see you — it also helps them know why the thing you are discussing is so important to you. Offering opportunities to your partner gives them autonomy to decide their boundaries, what they are comfortable with, and if they want to continue the current conversation.

Our partners, and any relationship for that matter, will be far more positively responsive if we approach them with an offer instead of an ultimatum.

Here are examples of how to use AEO in conversation:

A: “I know we’ve never really talked about monogamy before.”

A: “On our first date, we talked about threesomes, and since then, we haven’t really talked about monogamy.”

E: “I feel scared to talk about this concept with you.”

E: “I feel excited about the idea that we could ethically and honestly have multiple partners.”

O: “Can I share an article I found with you about this?”

O: “What I’d love to do is find a time to talk about ENM and an article I read; what do you think?”

Bottom line: Monogamy isn’t for everyone. Ethical non-monogamy isn’t for everyone.

We cannot possibly know what’s best for ourselves unless we understand what we’re choosing and that we actually have a choice. Whether you go forth and practice intentional monogamy or take a leap into mindful ENM, continue to be intentional and learn. There isn’t one right way to “do” relationships, and figuring out what aligns best for you (and your partner) is an integral part of the evolution of your relationship(s).

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A Beginner’s Guide To Polyamory

— How It Works & How To Know If It’s For You

By Stephanie Barnes

Growing up, most of us weren’t exposed to polyamory or polyamorous relationships. That’s because monogamy is the most common approach to love and relationship, and it’s ingrained into the very fabric of society. Maybe your parents have been married for decades, or maybe all the other relationships you witnessed only involved two people. While monogamy might seem like the only way to go, in reality there are so many other ways to approach love. We all have the right to choose, and more and more people are choosing to pursue polyamorous unions.

What is polyamory?

Polyamory is a form of consensual or ethical non-monogamy wherein people may have romantic relationships with multiple people at the same time, says sex and relationship coach Azaria Menezes. “Everyone involved in the polyamorous relationship has consented to the relationship dynamic,” she adds.

The word polyamory can be broken down into two parts: poly, which has Greek origins and translates to “many or more than one,” and amor, which is Latin and means “love.” Together, the word refers to having many loves. Even though the word itself hasn’t been around for that long, polyamory has been in practice since the beginning of time, according to Menezes.

“Of course, there are many ways people can structure what their relationships look like, and so there can be many types and structures of polyamory,” she tells mbg.

Polyamory vs. polygamy.

While the words sound similar, polyamory and polygamy aren’t the same thing. In fact, they’re very different, according to Kamela Dolinova, a counselor who works with the polyamorous community.

Like monogamy, Dolinova explains, polygamy has to do with marriage: being married to many people rather than one (mono). But historically, most polygamous cultures have only allowed for one man marrying many women. Women have rarely had the freedom to marry several men or to have relationships with anyone other than their husband.

“Polygamy tends to operate as an oppressive double-standard, often for the purpose of producing many children,” she says. “Polyamory, on the other hand, may involve any number of people and a mix of genders, each of whom may or may not be married to anyone.

How does polyamory work?

There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to any relationship, and that also applies to polyamorous ones. Everyone does polyamory a little differently. There are no rules set in stone, but the people involved in any given relationship create their own boundaries and agreements. The key is to make sure you are honoring whatever boundaries and agreements were made and openly communicating your desires if they’ve evolved beyond the original terms.

Here are a few ways polyamory might look:

1. “Opening” an existing relationship

Sometimes a couple will “open up” their relationship, Dolinova says, which might mean one or both of them begin to date other people (with each other’s mutual consent). It could also sometimes mean a third person dates both of the partners, forming a three-person relationship (also known as a throuple). Alternatively, two couples might choose to become romantically or sexually involved with each other.

2. The hierarchical approach

Within a polyamorous relationship, some may choose to prioritize one partner above others, making that person their “primary” partner. There’s also the option to have multiple primary partners or leave the space for additional relationships that could blossom to primary level, or those who prefer the hierarchical approach might opt to stick with one primary relationship. In this setup, the other partners are considered secondary partners, and they often must accept pre-existing rules or limits on time defined by the primary relationship members.

But while the words primary and secondary have been used for a long time to indicate more hierarchical relationships, many people now find these “oppressive,” Dolinova says. Some people instead (or additionally) use the term nesting partners to refer to partners that share a home or living space.

3. The non-hierarchical approach

A polyamorous relationship can also exist without placing one partner or relationship above others, which is sometimes referred to as relationship anarchy. You don’t have to have any primary partners; you could instead choose to have multiple relationships without ranking them. Terms like nesting partners can still be useful to simply indicate partners that you live with without implying a hierarchy.

4. Solo polyamory

“Some people practice ‘solo polyamory,’ where they have several partners but don’t live with any of them. You might say there are as many ways to practice polyamory as there are people in such relationships. The only common thread is that all people involved need to know about one another and be willing to communicate,” Dolinova explains.

Polyamory terms to know:

  • Ethical non-monogamy: This is the umbrella term for consensual relationships where people agree to have more than one romantic or intimate relationship at a time. This means that whoever is involved in this relationship is in the know and agrees to the relationship dynamics.
  • Metamour: This is your partner’s partner. Metamours may or may not interact with each other, depending on the structure of the relationship.
  • Polycule: A polycule is the group of all the people who are somehow connected through the romantic relationships they are in. This doesn’t mean that they all have to be dating each other.
  • Polysatured: A term for when a person is polyamorous but not currently open to new partners or relationships.
  • Compersion: The word compersion describes the feeling of being happy, turned on, or excited about the idea of your partner being happy, romantically or sexually, with another person.
  • Triads and quads: Relationships that involve three people or four people. The triad could also be referred to as a throuple, which means each person is actively dating the other two people in the relationship. A quad could consist of two couples.
  • V or vee: A V relationship occurs when two people are both dating a third person, but they’re not dating each other. The third person is often referred to as the “hinge.”
  • Nesting partner: A partner you live with. They may or may not also be considered a “primary partner,” meaning that you prioritize them above other relationships.

Is polyamory illegal?

No. Polyamory isn’t illegal, but there are limitations for these unions. According to Dolinova, there aren’t any laws preventing consenting adults from having more than one loving relationship at a time, but being married to more than one person is indeed illegal in (most of) the United States.

“Some polyamorous people would like for marriage freedoms to be extended so that groups of three or four or more could share the rights and benefits conferred by the legal institution of marriage. Groups who are raising children together would especially benefit from this,” she explains. “There can certainly be high social consequences for polyamorous people, though, ranging from not being recognized as a family by a workplace to having children taken away. So, while it’s not illegal per se, it does still exist in a kind of social gray area.”

Can polyamory be bad or toxic?

Most things can be wonderful for one person and not great for someone else. There’s a common misconception that polyamory is naturally toxic or bad, but that isn’t the case. Polyamory can be a beautiful way of relating to others, just like any other relationship style. What can make it and/or any other relationship toxic is what happens inside that relationship between the people in it, their actions, and behaviors.

Like any other relationship structure, polyamory can become toxic when there is “dishonesty, unhealthy power dynamics, consistently overstepping boundaries, disregarding others’ feelings and agreements, choosing to be in the relationship for the wrong reasons,” says Menezes.

Toxic polyamory can be avoided by knowing your limits. “A good rule of thumb to remember is that while love is limitless, time and energy are not. It’s important to know what your limits are in terms of how much you can give to each of your partners,” Dolinova says. “It’s also very important to watch out for one person ‘doing polyamory’ while not telling their other partners about it. The word polyamory has often been used as a shield for what monogamous culture calls ‘cheating.’ Remember: If it isn’t open and honest, it isn’t polyamory.”

Can polyamorous people be in monogamous relationships?

Yes, according to Antonia Hall, transpersonal psychologist, sex educator, and author of The Ultimate Guide to a Multi-Orgasmic Life. Human connections are complicated, and our needs and desires can change throughout our lifetime.

“Those people that are truly happy in both polyamorous and monogamous relations are called ‘ambiamorous.’ Ambiamory is not as discussed but might be worth consideration for more people,” she explains. “Polyamorous relationships require the same cultivation of friendship and intimacy as a monogamous relationship, and the desire to become monogamous can happen. But those who have spent years exploring and enjoying polyamory might find monogamy to be a poor fit over time.”

How to know if polyamory is right for you:

  1. You are willing to be completely honest with yourself and others about your desires and actions.
  2. You have a deep desire to spend time exploring different aspects of yourself with different people, each on their own terms.
  3. You think you can handle the practical aspects of dating more than one person and are willing to work those out with your partners.
  4. You often have feelings for many people at the same time.
  5. The thought of connecting multiple people on an intimate level at the same time sparks joy and doesn’t leave you feeling exhausted.
  6. You often daydream about being in a relationship with more than one person at a time.
  7. You feel confined by the idea of being with only one person.
  8. You feel capable of loving and committing to multiple people at the same time.
  9. You are OK with the idea of your partner having intimate relationships with other people.
  10. You feel like you could ultimately be your best self in a relationship with multiple people.
  11. You have done the research and spent time trying to fully understand the dynamics of polyamory.
  12. You feel like you could bring trust, respect, open communication, accountability, love, and honesty to multiple relationships at the same time.

How to know if polyamory is not right for you:

  1. You are choosing polyamory in the hopes of fixing a broken monogamous relationship.
  2. The thought of having to consider, spend time with, and commit to multiple people feels exhausting.
  3. Anything outside of monogamy feels “unnatural” to you.
  4. You haven’t spent time self-reflecting and understanding your triggers, insecurities, and past trauma relating to love and relationships.

Explaining polyamory to partners.

When it comes to sharing your polyamorous lifestyle with new potential partners, it’s important to bring it up early, Hall says. And since polyamory can take quite a few forms, you’ll need to let this person know what polyamory means to you. 

“Being upfront and honest from the beginning is respectful, can prevent misunderstandings and hurt feelings, and ensures no one is wasting their time and energy,” she explains. “Most people in the polyamorous community are adept at communicating their boundaries, limits, and expectations, and that should include a brief, thoughtful way to communicate with potential new partners.”

Explaining your desire for a polyamorous relationship to a current partner you’re in a monogamous relationship with can be a little more difficult. Asking this person to move away from the familiarity they know in order to make room for others can be tough, but it’s not an impossible task. The biggest rule here, according to Dolinova, is being honest without being brutal. She encourages you to find the words to express your wants, fears, and hopes without hurting your partner’s feelings in the process.

“One of the cardinal rules: Don’t try to open your relationship when things aren’t going well. It will definitely not fix it, and, in fact, will undoubtedly make things worse. The time to look at exploring polyamory when you’re in a monogamous relationship is when your relationship is healthy, strong, and exciting, and you both want to know what it would be like to have even more love in your lives,” she adds.

But what happens if your partner isn’t open to accepting your desire for a polyamorous relationship and they are hurt? 

“Anecdotally speaking, it’s really hard to come back from it when one partner expresses a desire to go outside a monogamous relationship and the other person is really hurt by it,” Dolinova tells mbg.

Though not impossible, she says the desire for polyamory doesn’t typically fade if it’s a sincere desire for a relationship style. That’s because the desire for polyamory isn’t necessarily about just wanting more lovers; it’s often about wanting the freedom to explore loving relationships with multiple people.

That said, sometimes people believe they want polyamory when what’s actually happening is that they’re dissatisfied with their current relationship and are looking to have their needs met elsewhere. In such cases, opening up this conversation may open dialogue about how to make satisfying changes within your monogamous union.

The bottom line.

Polyamory occurs between individuals who are in consensual romantic or sexual relationships with multiple people at the same time. At the end of the day, both polyamory (and other forms of ENM) and monogamy can birth beautiful, healthy, and enriching relationships for everyone involved. It all comes down to personal desires and preferences.

Open communication and honesty are absolute cornerstones for any healthy relationship, but even more so when it comes to the vulnerability and sharing that polyamory requires. You don’t want to be the person who ends up breaking multiple hearts because you decided to enter a new relationship with someone before communicating your desire for polyamory to your long-term monogamous partner.

Recommended reading:

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What Ethical Non-Monogamy Is and Isn’t

Ethical non-monogamy, polyamory, and open relationships are gaining popularity. But what exactly are they and how do you practice them?

Ethical non-monogamy, polyamory, and open relationships are gaining popularity. But what exactly are they and how do you practice them?

by Sian Ferguson

Ethical non-monogamy, also known as consensual non-monogamy, is a relationship style that’s been in the spotlight lately. There are many ways to practice ethical nonmonogamy. For some, that might look like polyamory, open relationships, or casual dating.

Ethical non-monogamy involves sexual and/or romantic relationships between multiple people. The “ethical” distinguishes it from infidelity or coerced relationships. Ethical non-monogamy emphasizes that everybody’s informed consent is needed. In other words, all partners know about one another and consent to it.

Anybody who wants to practice ethical non-monogamy can do so. Still, before you take the plunge, it’s a good idea to learn about it. There’s a lot of terminologies that you might not be aware of, and there are so many things to consider before committing to this relationship style.

Have you ever fallen in love with multiple people at the same time? Or have you ever felt attracted to another person while you were in a relationship?

Many of us have. In that situation, we might feel as if we’re doing something wrong. Many people think that this means they have a disorder, or that they’re bound to be unfaithful to their partners.

Although this experience may feel confusing, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Ethical non-monogamy leans into our ability to be attracted to multiple people at once. It’s about embracing that and navigating it in a respectful, healthy way.

It is possible to have a healthy relationship that is not monogamous. One study found similar levels of relationship satisfaction between monogamous people and ethically nonmonogamous people.

Infidelity, or what many experts refer to as “breaking a relationship agreement,” involves deception and/or betrayal. With ethical non-monogamy, all partners are aware of one another and consent to the relationship.

That’s not to say that infidelity can’t happen in an ethically non-monogamous relationship. Sometimes, people in these relationships overstep boundaries and betray or deceive their partners. This might be considered infidelity.

Not exactly. Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term, and polyamory is just one way to practice it.

Polyamory is having intimate relationships with multiple people at the same time. In other words, you can have more than one romantic partner at the same time.

Polyamory is a form of ethical nonmonogamy — but it’s not the only form.

Other than polyamory, there are a few ways to practice ethical non-monogamy, including:

  • Polygamy: involves marriage between multiple people
  • Open relationships: involve sexual relationships among multiple people
  • Swinging: entails couples “swapping” sexual partners
  • Triads or throuples: where three people all date one another
  • Polyfidelity: all partners in a group agree not to have romantic and sexual relationships outside the established group
  • Casual sex: people have sexual relationships without any romantic relationship or commitments, possibly with multiple sexual partners
  • Casual dating: people date multiple people

It can also include relationship anarchy, although many people consider this a philosophy or a political approach as opposed to a relationship style.

Relationship anarchy challenges assumptions around relationships and the idea that one relationship (like a married relationship) is more important than other relationships (like friendships). Relationship anarchy might include having multiple intimate partners.

It’s worth noting that, for any of the above relationship styles to be considered “ethical non-monogamy,” it needs to be entirely consensual. If a partner feels coerced into swinging or if someone is forced into polygamy, that wouldn’t fit the definition of ethical non-monogamy.

Ethical non-monogamy can look different to different people. What might work for one relationship might not work for another.

In every relationship style, it’s crucial that all partners discuss their expectations and boundaries. These boundaries will differ from one relationship to the next.

For example, one partner might not want their partner/s to have sex with others without telling them beforehand. Another example is that someone might not want their partner/s to date their close friends.

Time management is a big component of ethical non-monogamy. How much time will you set aside for each partner? How will you ensure that you can spend quality time with every partner? Figuring this out beforehand is helpful, as it ensures that you have enough time and energy for everyone.

If a sexual component is involved in one or more of the relationships, it’s important to discuss ways to ensure sex practices take the health of everyone involved into account. This may include using condoms or another barrier method and frequently getting tested for sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

Lastly, communication is very important in every relationship. In ethical non-monogamy, it’s important to talk about your feelings about your relationships with your partners and their partners.

There are so many misconceptions about non-monogamous relationships. Here are a few:

Myth 1: Non-monogamous people don’t get jealous

Some polyamorous people don’t feel jealous, and others do. What matters is how you handle jealousy. In some cases, jealousy might actually be a sign that you need more attention and affection from your partner, in which case, that can be solved without becoming monogamous.

Myth 2: It’s all about sex

Some people who do ethical non-monogamy might not have sex at all. Some people might choose to have sex with only one person. Others may enjoy sex with multiple people or group sex. Every person who engages in non-monogamy is different.

And on that note, sex in ethically non-monogamous relationships doesn’t necessarily carry a greater risk to your health. One study showed that people who practice ethical non-monogamy are more likely to practice sex with a condom or other barrier method than those who are unfaithful in monogamous relationships.

Myth 3: Everything goes

As mentioned, every relationship is different. Boundaries differ from one relationship to the next, so what might be OK in one relationship might not be OK in the next. It’s up to each partner to communicate their desires and limits — and those limits should be respected.

Myth 4: Ethical non-monogamy is unsustainable

Many couples and polycules (that is, a group of polyamorous partners) practice ethical non-monogamy for years. Non-monogamous relationships can last a long time if that’s what all parties want.

In fact, some research indicates that there’s no difference in relationship quality and psychological well-being between consensual non-monogamous and monogamous partnerships. This means partners in both forms of relationships report similar levels of satisfaction, happiness, sexual frequency, and relationship longevity.

Myth 5: Ethical non-monogamy is always better than monogamy

Ethical non-monogamy suits some people. Monogamy suits others. Many people feel polyflexible, which means they can be happy with either relationship style. What works for the individual is unique to the individual.

Plus, infidelity, abuse, and coercion can happen in any relationship, no matter whether it’s non-monogamous or monogamous. Ethical non-monogamy can be great, but people in these relationships aren’t necessarily protected from harm.

This depends on your situation. Everybody “starts” ethical non-monogamy in a different way.

Sometimes, a couple opens their relationship to others. Sometimes, people meet other non-monogamous people and form a throuple. Others join couples in a committed or casual way.

If you’re already partnered, it’s a good idea to talk with your partner about your feelings. Discuss why you’d like to try ethical non-monogamy, and emphasize that it’s not that they’re “not enough” for you. Commit to learning more about it as a couple.

Consider connecting with other non-monogamous people without the expectation of sex or relationships. This is a good way to process your feelings, learn more about ethical non-monogamy, and form friendships with non-judgmental people. Apps and dating sites are a great place to start.

Ethical non-monogamy can become complex because there are so many ways to practice it. For this reason, it’s a good idea to continually learn more about it. New terms and concepts are constantly being developed to help people describe relationship styles more accurately, so it’s important to be open to learning those new ideas.

Ethical non-monogamy emphasizes that all partners involved consent to the practice. Whether you’re practicing polyamory, casual dating, or open relationships, it’s important to ensure everyone knows about one another and wants to be a part of the relationship style.

There are so many things to learn about ethical non-monogamy. It can’t all be covered in just one article. There are many great resources for learning about this topic.

Some books about ethical non-monogamy include:

You can also join online forums. Websites like PolyInfo.org and Loving More can be helpful as well.

Ethical non-monogamy can be a wonderful relationship style for many people. As in all relationships, it’s essential to prioritize communication, mutual respect, and setting clear boundaries.

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The Surprising Innovations of Pandemic-Era Sex

Many queer people are reimagining their own boundaries and thinking of this reentry period as a time for sexual self-discovery.

In a time when touch has been so limited, some people have been moving toward a future full of bold new pleasures.

By Madison Moore

The pandemic has affected our sex lives in many unusual ways, but perhaps none more unusual than this development: The coronavirus has highlighted the possible public-health benefits of glory holes. Sexual positions that make use of walls as physical barriers have long been considered niche. But when the New York City Department of Health recommended them last month as part of a push for safer sex, it tapped into a question that many of us have been asking: How do you seek sexual satisfaction during a global health crisis?

I haven’t had sex in more than a year, mostly because I took COVID-19 very seriously. I disconnected from the public sphere. No one visited my apartment. I disinfected my groceries and covered my apartment’s air vents with trash bags. As a queer person, I could barely register the idea of sex while living alongside a deadly virus that nobody really understood. One study published early in the pandemic showed that 43.5 percent of people reported a decrease in the quality of their sex life. Among study participants, they had fewer sexual encounters with other people, and even masturbated less often.

But queer and trans people have a rich history of pursuing pleasure, especially during dark times when that very pursuit is dangerous, even illegal. This drive stems from the fact that many queer and trans people—especially those of color—live under a kind of sociocultural duress in which our livelihoods and human rights are constantly subject to negotiation and popular debate, to say nothing of our physical safety. In spite of this reality, queer and trans people have innovated not by waiting for the future to “get better,” but by prioritizing the urgency of feeling pleasure right here, right now. So I knew that some of us would create novel pathways around the pandemic’s roadblocks to sex. I also knew that as the world reopened and Grindr profiles got fired up again, queer innovators would bring the kinks learned during quarantine into their post-vaccine encounters with other people.

In a time when touch has been so limited, some people have been moving toward a future full of bold new pleasures. Alex Jenny, a therapist based in Chicago, told me she joined a nude-sharing group chat, started an OnlyFans page, and began having sex online. In Virginia, where I live, one friend sauntered over to a lover’s doorstep one night wearing a mask and nitrile gloves, picked up a Speedo sealed in a ziplock bag, went home to do a photoshoot in the swimwear, and sent his beau the photos and videos. Many people are reimagining their own boundaries, thinking of this period of virtual intimacies, of distance and little physical contact, not as a lack but instead as a sort of edge play through sexual self-discovery.

For Julian Kevon Glover, an assistant professor of gender, sexuality, and women’s studies at Virginia Commonwealth University who’s writing a book about the nuances of nonmonogamy, that meant attending an online sex party with her primary partner. “[My partner and I] played on camera with a group of like-minded folk and it was much hotter than I ever expected,” she told me. “I’ve learned that queer people are and will always remain quite as horny, and we are inventive.”

Though the pandemic necessitated screen-based intimacy for some, queer people have always used the internet as a place to navigate their sexuality. During the late 1990s and into the early aughts, I spent more time than I care to admit navigating chat rooms on gay.com and Manhunt, where I pointed and clicked my way to some of my first sexual experiences. But I wasn’t looking only for sex. Growing up as a Black teenager in Ferguson, Missouri, during the era of frosted blond tips, white-seashell necklaces, and Abercrombie & Fitch, I was hoping to connect with anyone who could help me not feel so alone. The researcher David F. Shaw talked about this form of online intimacy, or “computer-mediated communication,” as the “uncharted territories of cyberspace where men sit alone at their keyboards producing and inscribing themselves within interactive texts of homosexual desire and need.” Historically, gay online forums have been so widespread that a 1994 Wired top-10 list noted that of the most popular chat rooms created on AOL, three were for gay men, one was for lesbians, and one was for swingers.

Part of the reason queer sex thrives online is because of the internet’s covert nature. Prior to the web’s easy anonymity, queer people had to seek sly ways to court sex in front of other people without being detected. The hanky code of the ’70s and ’80s, an elaborate system of discreet communication wherein people put different colored hankerchiefs in their right or left pockets to indicate sexual interests, allowed queer people to speak about kink in plain sight without words. Craigslist, which most people know as a place to find an apartment or a piece of furniture, was for many queer people a vibrant place to find sex before the Fight Online Sex Trafficking and Stop Enabling Sex Traffickers Acts of 2018. The list of ways to hook up goes on: sultry personal ads in the back pages of gay publications such as XY and Têtu, dating sites such as Grindr, and now, the Zoom sex parties of the coronavirus era.

These arenas have facilitated cultural practices that the anthropologist Shaka McGlotten calls “virtual intimacies,” or feelings of connection mediated by communication technology. I was amazed by how swiftly queer nightlife and sex worlds moved to Zoom, but Aurora Higgs, a queer Ph.D. student, artist, and performer from Richmond, Virginia, says that the required shift to online events ended up feeling more liberating than in-person shows. In Virginia, liquor laws limit activity in mixed-beverage establishments, including how much skin dancers can show, which clothing items can be removed, and how dancers can remove them. But the brilliant thing about online burlesque, Higgs told me, was that there was no bar. “We were able to do stuff we weren’t able to do before, things like nudity,” she said. “It was interesting to see how people were utilizing their own spaces at home to dip us further into the fantasy.”

Higgs told me that she plans to start a website where she can do cam work and online kink photography. “As a Black trans woman, I sometimes feel like everyone has access to my sexuality but me. I’m expected to be passively content at the end of a violent gaze, with little opportunity to turn my gaze on to others or on myself,” she said. With camming and virtual shows, “the gaze that normally violates me is temporarily being used at my discretion.”

Even though sex can now take place in real life again for some, many queer and trans people—who have long dealt with the reality of HIV/AIDS—must navigate transparency about sexual health with the added complication of COVID-19. Trust is the currency that will shape how queer and trans people approach hooking up in a post-vaccine summer, Ayo Dawkins, an artist from Virginia, told me. “Not that I trusted everyone I was with pre-pandemic,” they said. “But I knew sex wouldn’t kill you. You have condoms to protect you from STDs and STIs, and you have Truvada (PrEP) to protect you from HIV, but nothing could protect you from COVID aerosols.” Today, with new questions to ask about sexual-health statuses, some queer people may favor a more curated approach to sex that relies heavily on closed sexual networks.

In many ways, the past year and a half of sexual distancing, online intimacy, and exploration of pleasures has been a rehearsal for a yet-to-be-imagined queer sexual ecosystem. One of my favorite passages from the book Cruising Utopia, by the theorist José Muñoz, reads: “Queerness is not yet here. Queerness is an ideality. Put another way, we are not yet queer … Queerness is a structuring and educated mode of desiring that allows us to see and feel beyond the quagmire of the present,” which is to say that queerness might be the longing for a better world to come. I always say that creativity and innovation stem from the margins, from those who are resisting the kind of flattened human experience that comes from being denied access. If COVID-19 has taught us anything, it’s how to foreground the importance of feeling as a means of survival.

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Love And Sex With Many

— Research On The Health And Wellness Of Consensual Non-Monogamy

By Rebecca Coffey

If Charles Darwin was right, human love and sex are rooted in the same reproductive imperative that makes animals mate. We want to send our genetic material into subsequent generations. Mind you, cats, dogs, Tasmanian devils, insects, fish, birds, and even Big Foot may not be thinking “Babies!” when they have sex. Gay men and lesbians aren’t trying to reproduce. Heterosexual people buying birth control supplies at drug stores aren’t. Regardless, the healthy, animalistic instinct to create progeny may be what makes most of them — most of us — suckers for sex and fools for love. It’s health and wellness in action.

And it’s all fun. But does biology dictate that mating has to be a forever kinda thing? Darwin never expressed an opinion. As it turns out, most animals who seem to be monogamous aren’t. Even so, some big religions dictate monogamy for humans. Many marriage and divorce laws do, too. 

For large mammals, anyway, monogamy doesn’t add to the probability that a species will survive. The opposite may be the case. In 2003, biologist Justin Brashares of the University of British Columbia examined 30 years of data for 41 mammal species on six separate reserves. Publishing in the peer-reviewed journal Conservation Biology, he reported that loyal mating ranked second as the cause of death for populations of primates. (Of course, humans are primates.)

New human sexology research from two groups of researchers has produced results not quite as dire. Even so, their data suggest that long-term monogamy may not always be ideal.

Wellness and Consensual Non-Monogamy

“The Vices and Virtues of Consensual Non-Monogamy: A Relational Dimension Investigation” is the work of graduate student Thomas R. Brooks III. Published by the peer-reviewed journal Psychology and Sexuality and written with colleagues from the Department of Psychology and Special Education at Texas A&M University-Commerce, it compared various measures of relationship quality, conflict resolution style, and individual well-being as self-reported by 555 heterosexual participants. Some of the participants were in monogamous relationships and some were in consensually non-monogamous (CNM) relationships. (CNM means an open relationship with full disclosure. The non-monogamous encounters can range from casual and low-stakes to intimacy that is both emotionally and sexually long-term and loving.)

The study participants completed standard questionnaires about well-being and conflict resolution. They also numerically rated the satisfaction, commitment, intimacy, passion, and love that they experience in their romantic and sexual relationships. Participants in CNM relationships generally scored as psychologically healthier and more content. In the rated measures of satisfaction in sex and love, people in CNM relationships generally outscored people in monogamous relationships. Perhaps not incidentally, people practicing CNM reported using positive problem-solving with their intimate partners, while those practicing monogamy more often reported that they emotionally withdraw from conflict with their relationship partner.

Was it the multiplicity of partners that made people in CNM relationships the high scorers on measures of well-being and happiness? Perhaps not. Brooks surmised that the increased satisfaction and psychological health measures may have been due to consensually non-monogamous people having negotiated “ways to keep sexual and romantic variety a priority in the relationship.” This is to say that it may not be sexual or romantic variety that’s the spice of life. It may be the negotiating— and the value that people place on keeping honesty and intimacy alive. 

CNM and Polyamory in History

One month before Brooks’ paper was published, the peer-reviewed journal Archives of Sexual Behavior published a paper by archivist-historian Brian M. Watson and Oxford University historian Sarah Stein Lubrano. In their study the two researchers investigated the passionate CNM attachments of a large handful of historical figures. “‘Storming Then Performing’: Historical Non-Monogamy and Metamour Collaboration” peeked at the love lives of nineteenth- and twentieth-century artists and intellectuals. (“Metamours” = “partner(s) of partner(s).”)

In the paper, details of the intimate heterosexual, bisexual, and homosexual lives of novelist Virginia Woolf, painter Frida Kahlo, poet/essayist/dramatist Victor Hugo, physicist Erwin Schrödinger, poet/playwright/suffragist Edna St. Vincent Millay, sociologist/historian Maximilian Karl Emil Weber, and Wonder Woman comic book author William Moulton Marston and various of their metamours were revealed. The paper’s view of love lives gone by showed that positive problem-solving of the sort described in Brooks’ Psychology and Sexuality paper can extend beyond the relationship among sexually and romantically intimate partners into and throughout their entire metamour network.

Watson and Lubrano use the term “polycule” (“polyamorous” + “molecule”) to describe a network of partners and metamours. Frida Kahlo is the only black- or brown-skinned person whose polycules their paper examined. Volunteering that information, Lubrano quipped in a group Zoom call, “In the late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries, rich white people did a really good job of saving their correspondence and leaving it to be found.” 

With access to such correspondence and with the help of other archival material and secondary sources like biographies, Watson and Lubrano reframed non-monogamous behaviors that might once have been described as immoral and sketched portraits of polycules that were deeply caring in important material, social, and psychological ways. 

That being said, matters weren’t always tranquil in historical CNM polycules, certainly not during a polycule’s early days.

  • Virginia Woolfe was lucky enough to enjoy a long, largely peaceful polycule with her husband, journalist and publisher Leonard Woolfe, and author/garden designer Vita Sackville-West. However, that may be because Sackville-West’s explosive and dishonest behavior within a previous polycule had provided momentous learning experiences for her. 
  • Max Weber’s CNM relationship with his lover Else Jaffe erupted early on when he learned that his metamour was his own brother. After he got over that surprise, things settled down. Another of Weber’s partners was his wife, the feminist scholar and activist Marrianne Weber. She and Else together took care of Weber as he succumbed to pneumonia in 1914, leaving Marianne with her dead sister Lili’s four children, which she and Weber had intended to raise. Else stepped in and raised the children with Marianne. According to Watson and Lubrano, when Marianne died in Heidelburg in 1954, it was in Else’s arms.
  • When Erwin Schrödinger’s partner Hilde March had a little girl by him and developed post-partum depression, Schrödinger wife, Anny, took care of the baby until Hilde recovered. Later, Anny cared for Schrödinger’s baby by another partner. Schrödinger, meanwhile, relied on a metamour — Anny’s partner Peter Weyl — both emotionally and academically.

And so on. Watson and Lubrano’s paper featured several more polycules of the rich and famous.

Why Study CNM Satisfaction?

The polycules profiled by Watson and Lubrano give social context and history to a way of living that is still stigmatized in America. As the two researchers said in the Zoom call, they wrote the paper to normalize CNM, and also to make clear that the idea that healthy, non-competitive relationships among metamours constitute a potentially emancipatory way of loving and living. Watson said, “We want people contemplating or already in CNM relationships to know that they’re not the first ones to want this. They are not alone in history. There are good role models. We hope that looking at the past can make people confident about structuring their lives in a way that’s fulfilling.”

Indeed. The wide variance in the current estimates on how many adult Americans have participated in CNM in their lifetime (anywhere between 4% (2013) and 22% (2016)) suggests that CNM remains so stigmatized that some people are too ashamed to admit the truth of their romantic and sexual selves even to an anonymous survey. Data collected and reported in 2016 by researchers at the Kinsey Institute reflect the high estimate (22% lifetime incidence). The Kinsey researchers also noted that men as well as people who identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual were more likely to testify to previous engagement in CNM. 

If indeed the Kinsey researchers’ estimate is correct, CNM may not be the “new normal.” It may, however, be one of several new normals, and it may be one that marital law and communities should prepare to accommodate.

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