You’re not going to be into it every night, but you shouldn’t make your partner feel bad if they are.
Men are always down to get it on while women are more reluctant, at least that’s how the assumption goes. But it’s not true. Sometimes men are tired/sick/not in the mood — and that’s very OK. But if you’re having sex with your partner just because you want to avoid letting them down then you might be doing more harm than good.
Researchers conducted two surveys of 642 adults. In the first, participants were asked how they feel when they’re rejected with frustration or criticism. Then they were asked how they feel when their partner says ‘no’ and then states something like: ‘I love you, I’m attracted to you and I’ll make it up to you in the future.’
As you might have guessed, participants preferred to be let down gently.
Study author James Kim of University of Toronto said people often to try to avoid upsetting their partner to avoid conflict, but it’s really not so bad to say no.
“Our findings suggest that rejecting a partner for sex in positive ways (e.g. reassuring a partner that you still love and are attracted to them) actually represents a viable alternative behavior to having sex for avoidance goals in sustaining both partners’ relationship and sexual satisfaction,” Kim told PsyPost.
In the second study, Kim and his colleagues asked 98 couples to complete surveys every night for four weeks. The researchers found that — shocker — people were more sexually satisfied when they had sex. But, Kim says you can say ‘no’ sometimes while keeping up the tension. Just make sure you do it kindly and with some positive reinforcement.
“When people are not in the mood for sex and find that the main reason they are inclined to ‘say yes’ is to avoid hurting their partner’s feelings or the relationship conflict that might ensue, engaging in positive rejection behaviors that convey love and reassurance may be critical to sustain relationship quality,” the researchers said in their article.
Own The Conversation
Ask The Big Question
How often can you gently say no before it becomes a problem?
Drop This Fact
Both men and women lose interest in sex, but women are more likely than men to be turned off, according to a recent study.
There have been times when friends, family and random strangers will ask why I don’t just write about ‘normal sex’.
I’d love to. Believe me, I enjoy it as much as the next person.
It might save that awkward moment on the phone when I have to explain I must dash off in order to finish a blog about small penis humiliation, or have to leave a coffee date because I’ve had a great idea about foot fetishists.
I went on a date recently and had to awkwardly explain what I did for a living.
The reply was a meek: ‘I just like vagina, is that OK?’
Of course it’s OK. It’s absolutely OK. You like vagina all you want, buddy.
Unfortunately, it does seem that unless you have a fetish, your sex life is automatically thought of as somewhat underwhelming.
Not true. Unfair. I call a stewards enquiry on that.
Instead, it’s perfectly fine not to have a fetish.
Not everyone wants to cater a kink, and that’s OK.
We have so many terms for various sexualities these days, but when you’re happy being kink-less, you get lumbered with the term ‘vanilla’, and not even a spot on a rainbow flag.
Vanilla is such a rubbish phrase. Vanilla is boring, it’s plain. It’s the last ice cream in Tesco.
Vanilla shouldn’t mean what it does: that you don’t enjoy kinky sex.
You are not plain, or boring, and the kink community really needs to stop using disparaging words to describe people who aren’t into BDSM (Bondage, domination, sadism, masochism)
On the flip-side, they also need to stop using rather audacious terms to describe themselves.
My red flags go up when I see someone’s dating profile refer to them as ‘interesting, adventurous, or experimental’.
Somehow, they believe a Fetlife account and spreader bars have turned them into Bear Grylls.
I’ve seen enough ‘kink-lover’ profiles in my time to assure everyone out there that no-one is a better human because they like kinky sex. That’s not how life works.
Unfortunately, this use of language seems to put a lot of pressure on people to ‘spice things up a bit’, and their first port of call is kink.
Here are a few of the worst reasons why, if you’re just not into it, you shouldn’t do it.
‘It might spice up our sex life’
Many things will spice up your sex life without BDSM being involved.
Think really hard about what makes you tingle. Is it being tied up? Cool, but consider what the chances of your partner also getting turned on from tying you up are.
What if they like to be tied up too? And after that, what then? I’m afraid you really will have to put some effort in.
Couples seem to jump to kinky sex without stopping at communicating with each other.
One of my most popular requests as a sex worker was ‘tie and tease’, where I would tie someone up and was supposed to tease them with activities they would enjoy.
When I asked them, however, what it was they would like to try, their answer was always, ‘Do whatever you want.’.
This would give me carte blanche to f*** off and watch EastEnders for an hour.
Basically, if you’re not committed to telling your partner what you want to try, and are the kind of person who will say, ‘Just do whatever you want’, then it all seems a little half-arsed.
Do some research, find some beginners’ guides, and try to state what things you would definitely like to do.
‘It’ll make me interesting’
In my experience, partners who I have met on the kink scene pretty much only talk about the kink scene.
TED have worked out that the best amount of time for someone to talk about a subject and keep people engaged is 18 minutes.
If you go beyond that then I am ready to dig your tongue out with hot knives, no matter how great you are at Shibari.
What makes someone interesting is passion, drive, knowledge – not what they like to get up to in the bedroom.
‘Maybe my partner will like it?
Oh hunny, no.
Don’t ever go doing something because you think your partner will like it.
If they do, what then? You’re stuck doing something you don’t really get much of a kick out of.
If anything, kink and BDSM is about reciprocal appreciation. As a dominant, a lot of submissiveness felt gratification from our activities together because I’m getting off on it, and vice versa.
It should be a lovely Fibonacci spiral where you’re both feeling pleasure from each other’s enjoyment, not an abyss you fall into because you both think that’s what each other wants.
That, right there, is a black hole.
Know who else like vanilla sex?
Christian Grey. Yep, I said it. If you actually watch the films – because god knows I’m not reading the books – he doesn’t actually do very much in the way of BDSM.
He ‘likes to f***. Hard’, but everything else is just gilding the lily.
Sure, he might tie Anna up sometimes, but otherwise he’s as vanilla as custard.
It’s not hard to discover if something turns you on or not, but don’t launch into something because you think the other person might like it or because you think it will add a new and interesting dimension to your personality.
At the end of the day, I’m super happy with my dates giving my vagina a thumbs-up.
If anything, that’s pretty integral to the whole shebang.
I’m happy for anyone to have a fetish, or a kink, but the main thing I want, and I think I speak for most people here, is to be able to have a great conversation, easily won laughter, and a connection that will survive an onslaught of bad puns.
There have been lots of changes in the adult product marketplace over the intervening years and there have been lots of changes here at Dr Dick Sex Advice too.
When our last review appeared in December 2014 the Dr Dick Review Crew and I were plum tuckered out after more than seven years of grueling product testing. We all decided that it was high time to throw in the towel. Despite having the opportunity to sample some of the world’s best adult products we needed a break. Frankly, I thought for sure that when we ended our review run it was the end of it…for good. Well, like they always say, never say never.
Over the years, I’d hear from my loyal readership; they’d tell me that they missed our fun, informative, snarky, and sometimes irreverent reviews. My readers would ask about members of the Dr Dick Review Crew. “What ever happened to Jack & Karen, Glenn & Hank, Joy and Dixie and the others? And when are they gong to return?” I would answer the best I could, but I would always say, “It’s not likely that we’ll revive our product reviews, but I’m delighted to know that our thoughts and comments were meaningful and helped folks make wise buying decisions.”
The intervening years also brought several new potential reviewers. “Hey Dr Dick, If ever you revive your sex toy reviews, I want to volunteer to be on your crew.”
New and innovative products were coming to the marketplace and manufacturers would often reach out to me with offers to send me samples. Again, would thank them for their interest, but declined their offers.
The long and short of it is, I kinda missed the hurly-burley of it all too. There’s nothing like getting a new product delivered to your door, a product that holds out the promise of fun and pleasure.
So, we’re officially back!
We have some new Review Crew members, a hot load of very interesting products, and an eagerness to share it all with you.
Our inaugural product is something very special and here to tell you all about it is a new Dr Dick Review Crew Member, Trevor. I’ll let him introduce himself and what he has in his hot little hands.
Trevor Hey all! I’m Trevor. I’m 32 years old. I’m originally from the UK, Manchester to be precise, but have been in the US since I was 13. I live with my da. My mom passed away three years ago. I am involved with this great gal. Shelia is her name. We’ve been together for just over a year.
I absolutely LOVE sex! I’ve been interested in sex for as long as I can remember. Get this, my da caught me wankin’ away like the little pervert I was when I was just eleven. Embarrassing, huh? Actually it was OK. I think he was as embarrassed as me. Anyhow, after that we’ve been able to talk about sex, which, I think, has been good for both of us. Especially now since my mom’s gone. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Right now, I want to introduce you to the Pulse III Duo. It’s the world’s first Guybrator. It says so right on the classy super-shiny outer box. And this lovely comes from the good people at Hot Octopuss out of London…the one in England. GO Great Britain!!
Inside the box you’ll find a drawstring storage pouch, which has the Hot Octopuss logo on it, a magnetic/USB charging lead and an instruction manual. Then there’s a formed cardboard insert that holds the Pulse III Duo and a round remote control. All the packaging is recyclable. That’s the first item on the Dr Dick Review Crew’ checklist for a GREEN product.
Now let’s take a quick look at the Pulse III Duo itself. It’s basically a palm-sized hammock for your dick. It has these two flexible wings that surround your cock and you can use it with either a limp dick or a stiffy. It’s covered in this beautiful 100% silicone skin and it’s also 100% waterproof. By the way, the Pulse III Duo is the second generation Pulse. There’s also a Pulse II and a Pulse III Solo.
There are buttons on either side of the Pulse III Duo, one for power and vibrating patterns on the left side, and two (+/-) buttons to control intensity on the right side. The Pulse III Duo’s remote activates and controls the independent external vibrator for clitoral stimulation when you use it as a couple. So it’s actually two vibrators in one.
After giving the Pulse III Duo a charge for four hours using the magnetic USB charger, it was ready to go. I used it alone first. I started with my limp dick. I placed it in the hammock with my frenulum, the underside of my cockhead, on the sweet spot of the guybrator, and switched it on. The pulsing piston-like osculation action got me rock hard in moments. This thing is fantastic! I cycled through the 6 stimulation modes and adjusted the intensity with each mode. I couldn’t believe the sensations. I nearly blew my wad in the first few minutes.
Just when I thought I had experienced the full range of sensations I happened upon the “Turbo” button. You just press and hold the (+) button for a moment and it will take your vibrations straight to warp speed. DAMN!! This took me over the top in a matter of a couple minutes. Now, just so you know, I wasn’t actually stroking myself; I was just holding the Pulse III Duo on my dick.
The next time out I decided to add some lube. As with all silicone toys, use only water based lube. A silicone based lube would mar the beautiful finish of the toy. This time I gripped the Pulse III Duo around my dick, folding the wings slightly to embrace my cock. It felt so good I almost forgot to add the vibration. I edged my self for about 20 minutes this way. No mean task, because the pleasure was so intense I had to release my cock several times just to avoid cumming too soon.
The third solo use was in the shower. I love to wank in the shower. And because the Pulse III Duo is waterproof it’s the ideal shower or bath buddy.
I can see where the Pulse III Duowould make a great tool for some guy trying to gain control over his ejaculation response. If you cum too quickly and you want to lean how to last longer, this toy could help train you to do that.
After nearly exhausting myself with solo play I decided to put the Pulse III Duo away till I had the opportunity to show it to and play with it with my gal, Shelia. Luckily, Shelia loves sex toys, particularly the ones that vibrate. In fact, she is the one that originally turned me on to sex toys.
One evening we got a little buzz on with some killer Chardonnay. I whipped out the Pulse III Duo and handed it to her. I didn’t tell her anything about it; I wanted to see if she could figure it out. She handled it a bit and said, “this is a guy’s toy, right?” “Well, it sure can be.” I responded. I told her about my solo play and how I nearly knocked myself out with the powerful orgasms I had with it.
She thought that was all fine and good, but said, “I thought you said this was a toy for couples.” “It IS!!” I responded. That’s when I handed her the remote and showed her how she could adjust the completely independent vibrations on the bottom of Pulse III Duo to stimulate herself while my cock was being stimulated in the hammock.
In no time we were out of our clothes and messin’ around. I put the Pulse III Duo around my dick and positioned the base of the thing on Shelia’s pussy. We were kissing passionately, she was using the remote to cycle through the vibrations, and, within minutes, we both came. Breathless, Sheila simply said, “Wow!”
This is the most fun we’ve had without actually fucking.
One thing to note; the Pulse III Duo is kinda loud, at least comparatively speaking. Shelia and I didn’t care, but you might.
If, for some reason you and your partner, guy or gal, don’t feel up to the old in and out of penetrative sex, this is the toy for you.
As I already mentioned, the Pulse III Duo is covered in velvety, latex-free, nonporous, phthalate-free, and hypoallergenic silicone. And because it is waterproof and made of silicone it’s a breeze to clean. Toss it into the skink with mild soap and warm water, scrub it down a bit, and let it air dry. Or you can just wipe it down with a lint-free towel moistened with peroxide, rubbing alcohol or a 10% bleach solution to sanitize for sharing.
I mentioned my da at the beginning of this review, right? He’s in his mid 60’s and has been having some problems with blood pressure. He confided in me some months ago that his blood pressure meds are robbing him of his erections. I felt so bad for him because I can get a boner at the drop of a hat. Once I saw what the Pulse III Duo could do with my flaccid dick I offered to share it with him.
I said, “Look what I got.” “What the hell is that?” He responded. I explained how the thing worked the best I could then showed him the Hot Octopuss website and some of the Pulse III Duo videos on YouTube. I said, “Ya know, you don’t even have to be hard to get enough pleasure to cum.”
I said, “I’m gonna just leave this here. Take it for a spin if ya like.”
He did and absolutely loved it. He went out the very next day and bought one for himself.
Speaking of which, you can purchase the Pulse III Duo through the Hot Octopuss website, or just about any high-end adult products store online will carry it too.
Growing into our sexual selves is a lifelong process, like growing up in general. But because we don’t have a lot of language for our sexual lives, we somehow erroneously expect that sex is something we are born knowing how to do. Like any other physical and emotional skill, our sexual capacity to both give and receive pleasure increases with education and practice.
We begin waking up to our emerging erotic consciousness in our early adolescence. This awakening process is mostly subconscious, as our maturing brain connects the powerful arousal mechanism to historic and unresolved painful events and relationships. Like our fingerprints, or the subtle distinctions in our sense of smell—what turns us on sexually is largely outside of our control and often contradicts the way we view ourselves outside of the bedroom.
With that in mind, it’s no wonder that the first and often the most persistent issue for most of us on our sexual journey is reconciling our interests with our sense of what is “normal.” Quite often, sexual discovery tests the boundaries of normalcy. Our sexual selves are the unique, wild streak in us that cannot be contained and whose full pleasure potential cannot be achieved if we try to rein it in.
“Most people are mirrors, reflecting the moods and emotions of the times; few are windows, bringing light to bear on the dark corners where troubles fester. The whole purpose of education is to turn mirrors into windows.” —Sydney Harris
Instead of healthy dialogue and reliable information about what it means to become and embrace who we are sexually, our curiosity and confusion about emerging sexuality are often met with archaic teachings, generational discomfort from those we trust, misinformation from our peers, and a complex cultural obsession.
The majority of us never have the opportunity to adequately explore the questions that arise from our earliest adolescent erotic awakening. Maturing beyond our initial discomfort requires education, and real sexual education is hard to come by.
For many young people, low-grade anxiety prevents them from engaging in any real conversations, whether with a friend, doctor, or even their partners about their fears and the obstacles they face sexually. Often, even the more progressive will turn their sexual concerns into a joke, laughing at their discomfort and communicating either that sexual concerns are not to be taken seriously or at least not to be discussed seriously.
What we suppress becomes more powerful. Suppressing our sexual nature only exacerbates our preoccupation with it. Asking honest questions about our sexual selves and being able to get reliable information allows us to use sexual privacy in healthy ways. Studies show that the kids who are given the most sexual education are often the last ones to engage sexually. They don’t need to learn about it by doing it—their theoretical learning allows them to make healthy choices about when and with whom they want to do it.
People who have come to terms with this essential aspect of their being are happier and more satisfied in every other aspect of their life as well.
Likewise, adults who move beyond their adolescent sexual anxiety through education gain not only the courage to take ownership of their erotic preferences but also the skills to engage in sexual behavior that is consistently pleasurable. Sexually mature adults are not waiting for someone else to make them feel sexy or give them permission to explore the range of their sexual function.
Taking full responsibility for their own sexual needs allows them to also be truly responsive to the sexual needs of others, which makes them attractive partners that tend to stay partnered. Aspiring to sexual maturity evokes a host of other essential skills for life—sexually mature adults tend to also be emotionally intelligent and capable of dealing with life changes.
Our sexual selves are often perceived as a locked box of bizarre fantasies and out-of-control impulses toward carnal pleasure. While it’s true that a mature sex life employs these tools for pleasure, working at our sexual evolution is more like developing core strength. Because our erotic identity is so central to who we are, people who have come to terms with this essential aspect of their being are happier and more satisfied in every other aspect of their life as well.
Anyone who has read a dozen or more articles in The Good Men Project knows there is no single definition of masculinity. Rather, it varies from culture to culture–even among subcultures–and further by each person’s perception. Likewise, I’ve discovered there is no one set of attributes, characteristics, and traits that comprise “my type” of a man as lover and mate.
I am a single woman who thoroughly enjoys men–from their physique to their ways of processing experiences, to communication, to the way they smell. Well, maybe not all of their smells; let’s keep it real. Still, I love men.
When I was in my 20s and newly divorced, I used to think I had a type: dark hair and green eyes, olive skin, somewhat athletic without being a jock . . . until I realized I was still attracted to my ex-husband. It took maturity to eventually notice that I was only focusing on superficial qualities.
After several failed relationships with men whom I thought were my type, and a great deal of conscious work on my part, I finally recognized that the way a man treats me and others is far more important than his appearance or social status.
With increasing awareness, I also realized the way I treat a man–or any person–is also of greater significance than my appearance or accomplishments. I had to “be the change I wanted to see in the world”–a lesson from Mahatma Gandhi. In this case, I had to be a better woman to attract a better man. I had to demonstrate self-respect and respect for those around me before I could attract a man who respected himself and would respect me.
Coupled with mutual physical attraction, respect is the sexiest display of masculinity you can show her!
(1) Respect yourself. Take care of your health and appearance in an authentic manner. When getting better acquainted with her, don’t do something in the dating stage that you won’t want to continue to do once you win her. If you don’t like to wear cologne, don’t do it while dating; when you stop wearing it later she’ll miss it and think you no longer want to make the effort for her. Self-respect and authenticity will also help you two to identify compatibility or lack thereof before either of you gets emotionally invested.
(2) Makes eye contact with her and listen attentively. When communicating in person, forget the multitasking for a few minutes! Mute the television, flip your phone face down on the table, or lower the screen of your laptop. Listen to her words in the context of the conversation or situation. If something she says doesn’t make sense to you, ask for clarification in a neutral tone of voice without making assumptions.
(3) Show up when you said you would. Women appreciate dependability. If you say you will be somewhere to pick her up, meet her, or do something for her, be on time. If you must cancel or change the timing, give her as much advance notice as possible.
(4) Be honest and tactful in expressing your thoughts and feelings. While most people prefer honesty to lies, tact goes a long way in softening an ugly truth. Caution: If she is one who would ask you, “Baby, does this dress make me look fat,” come to an agreement in advance. Ask her to select two or three dresses or outfits that she likes and you can tell her which one you likes best on her. If it is true, you can also tell her that you find her beautiful no matter what she wears. However, if you think the dress looks bad on her, let her know that it doesn’t flatter her natural beauty and suggest something else you’ve seen look great on her.
(5) Show appreciation for her efforts. When she does something or gives you a gift that requires thoughtful effort, thank her. The book 5 Love Languages is a good way to understand if she feels loved most by 1) words of affirmation, 2) acts of service, 3) receiving gifts, 4) quality time, or 5) physical touch.
(6) Be respectful of others, even those you don’t like. If you speak ill of those who are not present to defend themselves, she will think you may do the same when she is not around. If you want a good woman, you’ll have to be a good man. Practice The Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
Men, if there is enough of a spark between you and a conscious, self-respecting woman, demonstrating self-respect and respect for her will make you more desirable to her.
Women, all of the above apply to you, too, but in #4 above, please reserve the “does this dress make me look fat” question for your sisters and platonic girlfriends!