Let’s discuss hypergamy

— The oldest dating technique in the book

It’s basically the entire plot of Bridgerton

By Rachel Varina

From Carrie Bradshaw and Big to pretty much everyone on The Real Housewives, the concept of marrying “up” is nothing new—yet somehow, it’s one of those themes that never seem to go out of style. Take, for example, Bridgerton.

Behind all the sex (and yup, there’s a lot of sex), the story is about families climbing the ranks of society by courting with people of “higher” social statuses. The term for this phenomenon is “hypergamy,” and according to Damona Hoffman, OkCupid‘s official dating coach and host of the Dates & Mates podcast, it’s as old as time.

“The idea of marrying for love is actually a very contemporary practice,” Hoffman says. “Marriage traditionally was for ensuring the financial stability of a woman’s family.” And while the concept is a major focal point of shows, books, movies, history, and daydreams, it’s actually a real thing that’s still very much happening in the world.

Very simply, hypergamy is the act of marrying or dating someone you think is more successful and/or secure than you—whether you do it consciously or subconsciously, says Alysha Jeney, licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Modern Love Counseling. “This can often be due to the desire to want to achieve financial security or to boost reputation. It can also be due to the desire to seek a ‘higher level’ of self-worth and identity,” she says.

And even though the term has gotten much buzzier over the past few years, the concept has been around for a super long time. “[Hypergamy] can be traced back to castes in Hindu society,” explains licensed clinical social worker, Shamyra Howard—meaning the practice of hypergamy is at least 3,000 years old.

“Hypergamy is essentially a patriarchal constructed form of partnership from a time when women had very little education, weren’t able to work, and needed their partner for survival,” says Howard. “Marriage was mostly about survival and protection. Marriage for love is a new concept.”

Back in the days of women not being allowed to vote, own property, or secure assets without a husband, hypergamy was one of the only ways to get ahead.

Why is hypergamy still a thing?

Since hypergamy’s been around for what feels like ever, and marriage being tied to love has only been a thing for the past 250 years or so, it’s not too surprising that hypergamous relationships haven’t totally died out.

In some class systems, marriages are arranged so the woman marries into a wealthy family,” explains Howard. India is commonly known for still practicing arranged marriages, as is China (even though they’re technically outlawed), Iran, and Indonesia.

You might be surprised to learn, however, that while arranged marriages aren’t as common in western society, hypergamy still very much is. In fact, there are a ton of celebrity couples out there who are hypergamous such as Donald and Melania Trump and previously Erika Jayne and Tom Girard, says Hoffman. Fictionally, characters such as Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and of course, Bridgerton‘s Simon and Daphne practiced hypergamy as well.

In Bridgerton, viewers saw first-hand how important it was for a daughter to secure a good husband to help her family climb the social ladder. That’s basically the entire plot of the series. And while we’re not watching princes suck spoons in 19th century London, many people still choose to engage in hypergamy today, whether consciously or not.

“As the cost of living continues to go up and the view of lavish lifestyles permeates social media, TV, and magazines, people will continue to strive to be upwardly-mobile,” explains Hoffman. And one of the easiest ways to do this is by marrying into money and status, says Jeney,

“The recent discussions around hypergamy are re-birthed from current issues related to capitalism, the cost of living, and financial woes,” says Hoffman.

Who can be in a hypergamous relationship?

It’s important to note that hypergamous relationships don’t just happen in cis male/cis female partnerships, says Jeney. In fact, Howard says it’s prevalent in almost every community.

Is hypergamy “wrong”?

While blatantly hypergamous people are sometimes referred to as “gold diggers” the truth is, the concept of actively seeking a powerful and secure partner is kind of ingrained in our genetic makeup. “Many people state that hypergamy is not a choice, but evolutionary,” says Howard. “There have been reports that some people desire others that are the most resourceful and powerful, those who not only possess financial clout but social clout as well.”

And now with social media, the idea of seeking social clout and financial stability by way of a partner is easier and more obtainable than ever. “Blue checks represent a different type of currency which, for many people is invaluable,” says Howard. “So many people desire to be with those who are followed and desired by many, and if that person is rich that’s even better.”

But before you feel like hypergamy is a given, know that it isn’t something you have to buy into, even if it’s somewhat predisposition for us. So while it’s not *wrong,* that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s right for everyone. It all comes down to doing what’s right for you, ethically and emotionally.

Is hypergamy a healthy relationship style?

“Seeking a partner for the sole purpose of financial and/or social gain can become an unhealthy process that involves manipulation, deceit, and overall fulfillment,” says Howard.

In addition to there potentially being an uneven power dynamic in a hypergamous relationship, things like a lack of intimacy or understanding could also come into play, says Jeney. Since the person practicing hypogamy (the one in the partnership who’s “marrying down”) might feel like they have the ultimate control in the relationship, it can lead to an unhealthy and unequal distribution of weight in the partnership.

Howard says according to The Wiley Blackwell Encyclopedia of Family Studies, “Hypogamy is mostly practiced by men for the purpose of maintaining control.” For these types of relationships to be successful, communication, boundaries, and clear expectations are more vital than ever to keep things healthy and respectful between the partners.

Why should we care about hypergamy?

Because it actually plays a major role in the structure of society—not only in the past, but for the future as well. While some people view hypergamy as a smart and/or necessary move, others think it could be detrimental to female empowerment. Mainly because it could send convince some people their worth is only defined by who they marry.

That said, if you come from financial insecurity, hypergamy is not only encouraged, but it can sometimes seem like the only option to reach a different economic status, explains Hoffman. And even if you are financially stable, a 2016 study by the University of British Columbia concluded that even though women earn more college degrees than men, they’re still 93 percent more likely to “marry up” financially.

Whether you’re for or against the practice, hypergamous relationships aren’t going anywhere any time soon. “Hypergamy is something that will always be practiced in a culture where money and power are glorified,” notes Hoffman. “Marriage is still somewhat of an exchange of values. A hypergamous person may value youth or beauty over social status while a hypergamous person would overlook other factors of relationship compatibility if someone could help them elevate their financial or social situation.”

What should I consider before entering a hypergamous relationship?

If you’re thinking about entering into a hypergamous or hypogamous marriage or relationship, Hoffman says it’s essential to reflect on your priorities. “Hypergamy isn’t wrong, but I think it’s important for all daters to figure out what is truly important to them in a partnership and figure out if money or power has value for them over other key qualities in their ideal mate,” she explains.

“As gender roles shift and the playing field in dating becomes level, it’s important to question the values of prior generations and see if common beliefs about what makes someone a ‘high value’ mate are the same things that mattered before.”

As with most relationships, there are going to be tradeoffs with a hypergamous relationship, and only you can decide what’s right for you. Howard says in order to make these types of relationships work, it’s best to be honest about what you’re looking for.

“Marrying for money isn’t a new concept, however, the act of marrying someone for financial stability often works best when each person is aware and agrees on their involvement.”

Whether you’re after a royal or simply true love, the pros agree: The key to a solid coupling is communication.

Complete Article HERE!

How It Feels To Go On A First Date After A Long-Term Relationship

By Rachel Barker

It’s easy to feel guilty throwing yourself back into the dating scene after a long-term relationship.

We’ve covered that before for both men and women, break-ups can be a source of trauma. Our ability to recover from a break-up depends on how we engage with the negative feelings associated with losing our other half.

Diving into hobbies, finding rebounds, focusing on a career, etc. These can be helpful in the short term to immediately forget about the feeling of loss. Maybe to protect ourselves we make it a mission to find someone else to replace them first. That way we get to win the break-up (spoilers, there is no “winning” the break up). Whatever gets us there, actively dating will eventually end up back on the cards for most people.

How does it feel to get back into the dating game?

I can only speak from my own experience, and for me, I felt guilty. I didn’t understand at the time why I ended my first relationship, all I knew was that at that time, I needed space.

This is true for a lot of people, as psychologist Guy Winch noted in his viral TED Talk, break-ups can shape our perception of events. We can be given the perfect, most truthful answer for why we fall out of love with someone, or why they stopped loving us, but our brains will continue to try and rationalise it.

I did a lot of the classic stuff you would do after a break-up. Dove into work and study, had plenty of bad sex, had a Radiohead phase, you name it.

A huge challenge I had getting back into dating was truthfully, respecting myself. I found out my ex at the time had started dating a few short months after we broke-up. I felt angry, jealous, ashamed. All those feelings of the break-up just resurfaced irrationally.

Re-opening Tinder, I felt an immense amount of pressure to cater to other people’s needs, be available for them 24/7, and be very unproblematic. I was the Jimmy Fallon of a Tinder date.

In retrospect, thanks to having such little self-worth, I obviously wasn’t at the right stage to get back into dating.

This sentiment is echoed by Pricilla Martinez, a life coach, who told Refinery29: “If you’re choosing to start dating again after a long break, make sure you’re doing it because you feel ready. If you’re trying to fill the void left by a previous relationship, chances are you’re going to bring the accompanying baggage along with you”.

Does dating someone new help you get over your ex?

It’s a common rom-com trope to suggest a recently broken-hearted person to just “get back out there”, although it’s heavily contended if this actually helps soothe heartbreak.

While a fling can re-spark our lives if we’re down in the dumps, the truth is, our past relationships will also shape how we date in the future. If we haven’t spent time working on ourselves, considering our needs, how we can communicate them, working on setting boundaries and respecting our partners, then odds are we might get caught in a cycle.

Moraya Seeger DeGeare, licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice, author of Refinery29’s Can We Talk column, and in-house expert at Paired, says it’s important to have other routines and hobbies just for yourself to keep you grounded. “Understand your self-worth and know you’re a whole human being,” DeGeare explains. “This person isn’t making you whole, this person is enhancing things in your life.”

What is the minimum time you need to wait before dating someone?

No matter when you decide to get back into dating after a break-up, odds are, everyone is going to have an opinion on it. It’s unavoidable, and the only thing you can do is make sure that it’s the right time that you need.

Of course, dating someone within a few weeks of ending a long-term relationship is going to have a lot of people giving you the side-eye, and if your ex hears about it, it will likely hurt them.

You also don’t want to be the person on a date who won’t stop comparing their ex to the new person.

In their book, Chamin Ajjan, a sex and relationship therapist and author of “Seeking Soulmate: Ditch the Dating Game and Find Real Connection” said that dating with the goal of finding a new partner when you have unresolved feelings is selfish. She explains that, “if you are not over your ex and you are dating someone new, comparison is inevitable. The person you are now dating is in a losing battle, because it’s common to idealise your ex instead of looking at him or her realistically.”

Julie Spira, dating expert and digital matchmaker, told the Washington Post that dating others to “rebuild self-esteem” is only a short-term solution for one party. “The new relationship can end up as a temporary high, or ‘love drug’ to help you heal, but unless you’re 100 per cent available, you will get stuck in that comparison game.”

In short, there is no minimum amount of time. Your responsibility to your ex ends once your relationship does. However, you do have a responsibility to future partners to be open and honest about your intentions with them.

Will dating again be hard?

Absolutely.

Being single can be a blessing in disguise, and offers you plenty of opportunity to get to know yourself.

There will be a lot of trial and error. You’ll fall in love with the idea of someone, you’ll have your heart broken, and you’ll make an idiot of yourself, telling your friends about this new perfect person, only for them to turn out to be a dud in a few weeks. But each experience will be important, and no life experience will be empty.

You’ll learn more about your needs, your wants and what works for you only through learning what doesn’t. You’ll grow bolder, more confident and in time, slowly come to rationalise and accept that break-up that might still be haunting you.

Complete Article HERE!

How to break up with someone in the digital age

— You don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. So, what do you do?

By Rachel Thompson

You match, you chat, and you date for a little while. But then, things take a turn. You’re not sure you’re feeling it anymore. Perhaps it doesn’t feel like a good fit. You’re irretrievably mismatched. You’re looking for different things.You don’t want to ghost them. Blocking them feels downright mean. At the same time, you don’t want to hurt their feelings by being honest. Should you be honest and direct? What if they react badly and lash out?In the online dating realm where ghosting reigns supreme, it’s easy to hide behind our phone screens and avoid confrontation and honesty. Why have difficult conversations when you can just remove every trace of this person from your phone and forget about them instantly? It’s a tempting thought, of course. But, is it the right thing to do?Research from dating app Bumble found that 84 percent of British singles believe being open and upfront is the most important thing in a relationship.With that in mind, what is the best way to break up with someone? Mashable spoke to relationship experts to find out how to consciously uncouple without being a complete dick.

What is ‘quiet dumping’?

Another day, another buzzword for questionable dating behaviour. “Quiet dumping” is the latest bad dating behaviour and it’s inspired by “quiet quitting”, the trend describing workers who accept that work isn’t the be-all-and-end-all of their life and opt instead to put in the bare minimum at their job. Quiet dumping involves gradually distancing yourself from a partner without openly communicating how you’re feeling. The idea is that the person on the receiving end will get the hint from the change in behaviour and end the relationship of their own accord.

“As with most bad behaviour, quiet dumping reflects more on the person doing it than it does you,” Bumble’s in-house sex and relationship expert Dr. Caroline West says.

“Often, there is no malicious intent behind them fazing the relationship out, they’re just not comfortable enough to have the conversation.”

Is breaking up by text ever OK?

If there’s a modern equivalent of the “I’m sorry, I can’t, don’t hate me” Post-It note from Sex And The City, the text message has got to be it.

A lot of people think that a text message breakup is a strict no-no. But, surely there has to be an exception to the rule? As with all things in the dating world, text dumping is complicated.

Firstly, what if you’ve not yet met this match in person? Perhaps you’re stuck in a talking stage that feels like it’s headed nowhere fast. Perhaps this person is messaging you non-stop and coming on way too strong and you’re just…really not feeling it. Instead of doing the slow fade or ghosting, this kind of situation might warrant a quick message to explain how you’re feeling. You could try something along the lines of: “Hey, I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, but I’m not sure this is a good fit. I wish you all the best.”

If the relationship is more established, however, dumping over text isn’t exactly a great idea.

Pippa Murphy. the sex and relationship expert at condoms.uk tells Mashable: “Breaking up with someone via a text message can be incredibly cruel, as not only is it impersonal but it doesn’t allow you to gauge what the other person is thinking or feeling, which isn’t fair on their behalf.”

Murphy says you should always pay the person the respect of sitting down in person to talk about the breakup in more detail.

“There is, however, one exception to this rule,” says Murphy. “If the relationship is emotionally or physically abusive, then breaking up over text message might be the only way to keep yourself safe.”

Don’t break up in public places

Friends have mine have recounted stories of being dumped by long-term boyfriends while out in romantic restaurants. Shocked and distraught, insult was added to emotional injury when they burst into tears in front of a room full of gawping strangers. It’s just… not what you need in that moment.

Murphy agrees with this. “While you should break up in person (if it’s safe to do so), doing it in a crowded restaurant or bar is destined for a disaster. Instead, you should pick somewhere private where you both feel comfortable having a personal conversation,” she says.

“This allows you both to be honest about the breakdown of your relationship without feeling embarrassed that people may be watching, therefore, limiting what you can or what emotions you can express.”

Communicate respectfully

When emotions run high, things can sometimes get heated.

It’s important to calmly and clearly express your reasons for ending this relationship. But as Murphy points out, you also should be mindful to listen to their perspective.

“Whoever it is, especially if it is someone you care about, you should always treat them as kindly and with as much respect as possible,” she says.

“While it is the dumper’s responsibility to break up with their partner gracefully, respectfully, and listen to them, it is not their responsibility to make the other person feel better. Being nice is a wonderful trait, however, this can backfire in a breakup and make you both feel worse.”

If you’re the one ending things, you might feel bad about the breakup, but sometimes apologising can do more harm than good, because it can put pressure on the dumpee to feel like they have to forgive you.

Is ghosting ever OK?

An illustration of a ghost standing in front of a human-sized phone, hiding from a person looking dejected under a spotlight, holding roses.

As Murphy says, if you’re in an abusive relationship, your priority is your own safety. If that means ghosting and blocking the individual, do it. If that means breaking up over text, do it. Never feel bad for keeping yourself safe.

As with text dumping, people have strong opinions on ghosting. But, there are circumstances in which ghosting is acceptable, in my view.

If you are a woman or marginalised person, you will be well aware that rejecting someone comes with a risk of violence.

Women have been murdered and assaulted for refusing men’s advances. As author Laura Bates writes: “For certain groups in particular, including trans women, women of colour and sex workers, it is well documented that refusing unwanted advances can result in aggression, physical or sexual violence, or even murder.”

When we fear how another person will react to our “no,” we attempt to mitigate that risk in our choice of breakup method, often choosing an evasive strategy to prevent us being harmed. If a person is exhibiting signs that they will respond aggressively to rejection, ghosting is an acceptable method to end contact. The block button is very useful in moments like this.

Cyberflashing — or the nonconsensual sending of lewd photos via messaging apps or AirDrop — is unfortunately rife. Almost half (48 percent) of UK adults aged 18-24 have received a sexual photo they didn’t ask for or consent to.

Again, in this situation, your safety is a priority. Report the sender if this behaviour occurs via a dating app. Block them.

When ghosting is not OK

In relationships and interactions where you feel safe and you’re not in danger, our approach to ghosting is a little different.

We’ve all heard the stories about marriages ending by ghosting, and long-term committed relationships ending abruptly with partners being blocked. If you’re in a committed (non-abusive) relationship with someone you once loved, ghosting will cause your partner more pain than necessary. Breaking up when you’re in a long-term relationship is already incredibly painful — why make it harder by ghosting them? Instead, follow the steps above: communicate clearly and kindly and aim for a private location if you can.

Should you go no contact?

In the aftermath of a breakup, people need space to grieve and heal. Murphy says: “Studies show that people who respectfully cut all contact for a short period allow themselves to heal fast and have more amicable breakups.”

She urges caution when opting to remain friends with an ex — while it can ease the transition, it can always leave you confused about where you stand, whether they want you back, and can make it harder to move on.

When breaking up with someone you care about, think about how you’d want to be dumped. “It is perfectly acceptable to take a short ‘no contact’ period out to emotionally recover before being friends with your ex. You don’t want your relationship status to be a confusing ‘on-again-off-again’ situation so take time out to heal so you can be friends if that’s what you both desire,” she adds.

When breaking up with someone you care about, think about how you’d want to be dumped. While no one craves rejection, we at least hope to be treated with the respect and honesty we deserve.

Complete Article HERE!

This is how we do it

— ‘Every few weeks we both go out on our own and sleep with another man’

They’ve been together for two years, but opening up their relationship has worked for Lorenzo and Felix

By

Lorenzo, 31

Threesomes can be a bit of a juggling act. I’m thinking: ‘Is our guest at ease? Who are they focusing on? Who am I focusing on?’

Felix and I had sex the first afternoon we met, and I remember that he made a huge amount of noise. I have an office on the floor above my apartment and the walls are very thin. I have a vivid memory of being right in the middle of a particularly intimate moment and actually hearing the telephone ringing upstairs through all the racket Felix was making. It suddenly became obvious that if I could hear that telephone, everyone in the office could hear us. I did try to shush Felix a bit, but I found his lack of inhibition refreshing.

We had met on Grindr, and some of the other men I had slept with via the app seemed uneasy with their homosexuality. I live in Spain, and while it’s not exactly dangerous to be gay, life still revolves around the church. I’ve met men who wanted to keep the lights off during sex, or who kept their shirts on, or who begged me to treat them like dirt. Felix was utterly unlike that: he was sunny and playful. He wanted us to have lunch, not just say hello and then take our trousers off.

Felix was sunny and playful. He wanted us to have lunch, not just say hello and then immediately take our trousers off

I am the top with Felix, meaning I am the active partner, whereas Felix is the bottom. But in reality, Felix is much more versatile – he’s just forced to stick to a passive role with me because I can’t physically cope with being the bottom. It’s an anatomical thing. Mentally I’d love to, but physically it simply doesn’t work. Felix and I agree that it’s unfair that I can’t satisfy him in that way, so we decided to open up our relationship. We’ve been together for two years, but every few weeks we will each go out individually and sleep with another man. We also like to meet men together and have threesomes.

Threesomes are sexy, but they take a surprising amount of organisation. We chat to contenders online, and Felix does most of the texting because he is a lot better at flirting than I am. The threesome itself can be a bit of a juggling act. I’ll be thinking: “Is our guest at ease? Who are they focusing on? Who am I focusing on?” It’s like tapping your head and rubbbing your tummy at the same time. I think we’re getting better at them, though. I suppose threesomes, like twosomes, are a learning curve.

Felix, 28

After the initial excitement has worn off with another man, I usually end up missing Lorenzo

My sexual energy is extremely high, and occasionally a little too much for Lorenzo. If we’re in the kitchen, for example, I’ll want to be right behind him at the sink, hugging and touching and grabbing his bum. I don’t think he likes it. He shows his love in other ways, through acts of care and by how attentively he listens. He is less sexual than me, and that is partly why we have decided to sleep with other people.

We are always updating the terms of our arrangement, and part of the deal is that we debrief one another about every man we have sex with. I will show him pictures of the men I have been home with, particularly the cute ones, and talk through their best moves. Lorenzo and I have always been truthful, even about our sexual compatibility. Lorenzo is a top, whereas I like to switch roles. Because he couldn’t give me everything I needed, early on he decided that wasn’t fair on me, so he insisted that we should both be free.

We rarely agree on who’s hot and who’s not. I fancy young-looking, curly haired men. Twinks, really. That’s not his type

Occasionally I will sleep with a particularly attractive guy and then arrange a date to bring him home for a threesome. The trouble is, we rarely agree on who is hot and who is not. Lorenzo has shown me men he liked in the past and I have been like: “Ew.” I fancy young-looking, curly haired men. That’s not his type, but we take it in turns to compromise.

We have strict rules about falling in love. We aren’t allowed to develop feelings for other people. That’s never been a problem for me – after the initial excitement has worn off with another man, I usually end up missing Lorenzo. I’ll be put off by the way this strange man kisses or the way his tongue feels in my mouth. I’ll smell his trashy aftershave and it will make me think of the very specific, fresh scent of Lorenzo’s skin. Every time I sleep with another man, I end up loving Lorenzo a little more.

Complete Article HERE!

Is Having Too Many Followers a Turnoff?

— Some women with jobs that require a high degree of visibility online say they have faced romantic rejection over the high number of their social media followers.

In response to snide comments from men, Sara Zeljkovic did the nearly unthinkable in the age of social media: She pared down her own follower count.

By Gina Cherelus

A few years ago, Sara Zeljkovic, a 25-year-old living in Toronto, started working to build her social media presence on TikTok and Instagram, assuming that having more followers was better.

Ms. Zeljkovic, freshly single after the end of an eight-year relationship, began posting more content, typically about beauty and travel, and gained traction, ultimately resulting in about 14,000 followers on TikTok and, she said, around 5,000 followers on Instagram. That’s when things changed.

While she was chatting with a man over drinks last year, the would-be date took issue with her follower count.

“He was like, ‘Oh, that’s such a red flag, you’re such a cool girl,’” she recalled. When he said it was “a shame” that she had so many followers, she added, “I almost spit my drink out.”

How does having a career that requires hypervisibility online — public relations, influencing, vlogging — affect a woman’s dating life? Is there a certain kind of man who is turned off by hustle, who finds a follower count in the thousands to be a deal breaker?

Having a sizable following on Instagram or TikTok can come with perks: internet fame, free products, sponsored trips. It’s little wonder that in 2019, about 54 percent of young Americans said they would become an influencer if given the opportunity, and nearly 90 percent said they would be willing to post sponsored content for money, according to a report by Morning Consult.

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Much as the idea of dating a “podcast bro” can be a turnoff for some women, the prejudice can work against women who also have public online platforms. Among men who have described such feelings online, the reasons vary: Some are insecure, worried that she might have other suitors in her DMs. Others enjoy their privacy and would rather not have their lives be mined for content.

Tyrese Dominique, a social media manager in Boston, said that although he would have no issue dating a woman with a lot of social media followers, he sympathized with many of his friends who would.

“I understand it, because if they have their own insecurity and they know that they can’t stop themselves from having that insecurity and having it affect their relationship with that person, it’s best that they don’t even try to force themselves,” he said.

After receiving one too many snippy comments from men about having far too many Instagram followers, Ms. Zeljkovic spent about two days in July pruning her following, ultimately bringing the count down to around 1,600. She also made her profile private, explaining that she had been told it was “a turnoff if a girl has an open profile.”

She said a culmination of factors led to her decision, including one time when she shared her Instagram handle with a man, and he was immediately scared off: “He was like, ‘Oh, like, you’re too big time for me.’”

“After I got home that night, I was just so fed up of hearing this,” Ms. Zeljkovic said. “Like, this was already eight or nine times I gave a guy my Instagram, and he made a comment.”

Christina Mantas, a community outreach coordinator, said that having more than 4,000 followers on Instagram has been enough to deter men. She has kept her Instagram public for about the last five years to network and to promote events she hosts for the various nonprofit organizations she works with. She said that her social media profile had become an issue while dating.

“There are some guys that will take me on a really nice date, and then they want me to post about it — like a public thank you of some sort — and I’m not comfortable to share that I’m spending time with them yet,” she said. “And then other guys freak out completely because they don’t want to be on my Instagram page.”

On a recent scroll through the dating app Hinge, Ms. Mantas, 36, came across a man who said he was looking for a woman with 1,000 Instagram followers or fewer. She said another man had told her that because of her frequent travels and food content, he wouldn’t be able to adequately provide for someone with her standards.

Shari DuBois, as seen in a TikTok video. She has long black hair and a gold watch and is looking in the distance toward her right.
Shari DuBois says that part of the reason some men are put off by influencers is that they assume “everything is going to be content.”

For Shari DuBois, a rapper and songwriter in Philadelphia, not immediately trading social media handles with dating prospects is one way she has managed to avoid the problems that can come with being a single woman with thousands of followers online.

Currently, Ms. DuBois is seeing a man she met on Facebook Dating, but she has not made him privy to her Instagram or TikTok, where she has 10,000 and 12,000 followers.

In her last two relationships, social media became “a bit of an issue.” So now, she goes out of her way to not exchange social media accounts with new men she meets so that they can first get to know her.

Some people who see the number of followers she has might assume she is receiving hundreds of thirsty DMs a day, she said. “That’s not the case,” she added. “I think people are also under the assumption that, like, everything is going to be content.”

However, Ms. DuBois admits that she’d prefer a man who didn’t have a high following on social media. For example, she “celebrated” the fact that her ex-boyfriend had 200 followers.

“I guess maybe some of the same assumptions that they might have for me, I may have for them,” she said.

Ms. Zeljkovic, who is currently in Serbia visiting family, recently started monetizing her TikTok content, which is still public. She said she sometimes felt waves of regret for going private on Instagram and for downsizing her following, adding that she might reverse course eventually.

“Right now, while I’m still single and trying to date and traveling back in my home country and stuff, it’s better to keep it like this until I get someone on lock,” she said.

Complete Article HERE!

‘Ghosting,’ ‘Orbiting,’ ‘Rizz’

— A Guide to Modern Dating Terms

The way we talk about relationships has drastically changed in recent years. Here is a glossary of some of the most popular words and phrases you should know.

By

Picture this: You’re currently single and “cobwebbing” in the aftermath of your previous failed relationship. The attractive person you thought had “rizz” is starting to exhibit “beige flags,” so you turn to your ongoing “situationship” for attention, but deep down you hope to meet someone worth “soft-launching” on Instagram. Can you relate?

To describe yourself as single and in search of a relationship is almost too simple of a label in 2023. The way we seek romantic connections, especially with the influence of social media and dating apps, has naturally altered our behaviors and language around dating.

The fact that more people are meeting online creates an “abundance of options,” said Natalie Jones, a California-based psychotherapist who specializes in relationships and narcissism. This can make it difficult to develop a genuine connection, or can lead to toxic dating habits.

“I think that’s where these terms are coming from because now people have an abundance of people to choose from, and so different sorts of behaviors are being highlighted,” Dr. Jones said. “When you have so many people to choose from, you can ghost, you cannot call, you can hide who you truly are through online dating.”

Although there are dozens of new dating terms being used today, we spoke to Dr. Jones and Shan Boodram, a sex and relationship expert with the dating app Bumble, to help us narrow down the top dating terms that you’ll need to know.

A picture of a slice of bread and bread crumbs.

Breadcrumbing

When someone consistently checks in with a romantic prospect, dangles the possibility of a date and keeps them interested, but never follows through with what they really want: a relationship.

This act of self-love refers to purging any mementos from previous relationships (old sweaters, text threads or photos) in an effort to move on. Holding on to old phone numbers and pictures, Ms. Boodram said, “keeps someone from being fully present and invested in their dating journey.”

Cuffing

Derived from the word “handcuffed,” it’s the act of getting tied down to one partner, usually during the colder months of the year (also known as cuffing season). To be cuffed can also refer to someone in a serious relationship outside of cuffing season.

Cyberflashing

The act of sending unwanted sexual images to another person through digital means, such as on a dating app or social media platform, but also via text or another file-sharing service, like Airdrop.

Although there’s no federal law prohibiting cyberflashing, states including California and Texas introduced laws last year that give victims the opportunity to have legal recourse if they receive unwanted sexual images online. Other states are writing legislation to handle this issue.

A picture of a glass jar holding chocolate chip cookies.

Cookie-jarring

When a person seeks a relationship with someone else as a backup plan. In the same way that people might reach for a cookie when they want an instant treat, someone who is cookie-jarring pursues their backup person when the one they actually want isn’t available or has rejected them.

The Three Flags: Green, Red, Beige

Green flags are positive, compatible traits that a person possesses. Red flags are negative, potentially harmful traits. A person displaying beige flags is not necessarily good or bad. They are just dull, boring and lack effort in dating. “What we perceive as flags can vary from person to person,” Ms. Boodram said, “and though there are flags in real life, they can also be displayed via dating apps, too.”

Gaslighting

To manipulate someone into making them doubt their powers of reasoning, perceptions, memories or understanding of an event that happened. Common methods include blatant lying, denial and trivializing their feelings, which can result in an unhealthy power dynamic shift in a relationship.

Ghosting

The act of disappearing without warning or cutting off all contact with someone you’re dating, someone you’re in a relationship with or even someone you’ve simply matched with online. “Ghosting is very dehumanizing and a lot of people don’t understand that,” said Dr. Jones, who added that it can lead people to question their self-worth and value as a human being. “A lot of times it kicks up abandonment triggers.”

Love Bombing

Lavishing a new romantic partner with grand gestures and constant contact, while also keeping them isolated from friends and family in order to gain control in the relationship. Not all grand gestures of affection are red flags, which can make love bombing hard to spot.
< A picture of red, blue and orange orbits against a black background.

Orbiting

When someone has cut off communication with a person, or they have made it clear that they are not interested in pursuing a relationship, yet they continue to interact with that person on social media, usually through views and likes.

This also applies to the practice of observing potential love interests on social media, without initiating contact. Dr. Jones said that a lot of people — often women in heteronormative relationships — can mistakenly interpret this as someone being intentional about their interest, when it might not be.

“They can just be going through social media, sitting on the toilet and liking posts,” she said. “It can mean absolutely nothing and a lot of times it does.”

Rizz

This newer concept is short for “charisma” and is commonly used among members of Gen Z. It’s very popular on TikTok, Ms. Boodram said, and refers to someone’s ability to flirt with and attract a potential love interest. This can be having an engaging personality or having an unspoken allure that others cannot resist. Kai Cenat, a Twitch streamer and influencer, who coined the term, clarified that rizz originally referred to the ability to attract someone who wasn’t initially into you.

Situationship

A romantic or sexual relationship in which both parties do not communicate clearly to define their status. Unlike those who are “friends with benefits,” neither party in a situationship is certain of what the other is to them. This can be confusing and lack the consistency and support that comes with a defined relationship.

Soft-Launching

Posting a discreet photo or video of your new partner on Instagram or other social media to announce your relationship while still hiding their identity. The idea is that you don’t want to post about them on your account too soon in case it doesn’t work out. One example: sharing photos of only your partner’s hands clasped in yours. “You’re slowly trying to introduce the idea that you all can be a thing,” Dr. Jones said.

“Social media is involved in everything,” she said. “It’s like the third wheel of the relationship now.”

Complete Article HERE!

Yes, Online Dating Works For Seniors

— 18 Tips For Success

By Kelly Gonsalves

People can sometimes assume that dating sites and dating apps are exclusively for young people. In reality, people of all ages can benefit from the convenience of dating apps—including seniors.

If you’re new to the world of online dating, here are some of the top online dating tips for seniors to keep in mind.

Does online dating work for seniors?

Online dating can be an effective, streamlined way for seniors to meet potential partners, and many people in their 50s, 60s, 70s, and above have found love online. According to one 2020 report from the Pew Research Center, around 16% of people over 50 in America have used a dating site or app, and one in 10 U.S. adults have been in a committed relationship or married someone they met online.

“Mature daters often find that online dating increases their pool of potential daters,” Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and author of Date Smart, tells mbg. “And for those who are working from home or retired, online dating and dating apps can replace the pool of possible candidates who may have naturally been encountered in the workplace.”

She also adds that single seniors often know exactly what type of partner and relationship they’re looking for, and dating apps can help easily filter out partners who aren’t a fit and funnel in more well-suited candidates.

The biggest barrier to online dating as a senior is often simply getting used to the technology and the digital culture around dating apps and sites. “Not being digital natives, many mature daters are wary of online dating and dating apps simply because they are not comfortable with engaging with people they’ve not met organically,” Manly adds. While it’s a fair concern, it’s helpful to remember that dating sites are just the connection point—once you exchange a few messages, you’re encouraged to move to meeting up in real life to get that organic get-to-know-you process.

And if the tech itself is a pain point, Manly recommends asking a tech-savvy friend or your adult kids to help you choose a site, set up your profile, and sort through candidates. “Once the fear factor is reduced, many mature daters find that they actually find the process achievable—if not enjoyable.”

Best dating sites for over 50:

1. eharmony

One of the oldest and most reputable dating sites around, eharmony is often lauded as one of the best dating apps for seniors. “It has a proven history of success, and they consistently improve their site and are well known for helping couples reach long-term relationships,” couples’ therapist Kyle Zrenchik, Ph.D., LMFT, ACS, previously told mbg.

When you first sign up, eharmony will take you through a lengthy questionnaire to learn about your personality, lifestyle, and relationship preferences so that it can show only the most relevant potential matches to you. It’s a great option for those who know exactly what they’re looking for and want to connect with similarly intentional people. (We have a full eharmony review if you want to learn more.)

2. OurTime

OurTime is a dating app made specifically for people over 50 to connect with each other. While the interface is not a glitzy as some of the other more mainstream dating apps, OurTime is effective at what it claims to do: help seniors make new romantic connections. “I have had friends, family, and clients use it with success. My uncle met his long-term partner on OurTime, and a former client also met his partner on OurTime,” certified sex therapist Heather Shannon, LCPC, CST, previously told mbg.

3. Tinder

Yes, Tinder can be a great dating app even for the older crowd. People in their 50s, 60s, and 70s all use Tinder, and it’s actually a great option for seniors because it’s free and easy to set up compared to the more “serious” dating apps. If you’re a beginner to online dating, Tinder can be a great place to start dipping your toes in the water. While the app does have a reputation for more casual dating, many people have found their lifelong partners on Tinder.

Top online dating tips for seniors:

Ready to dive in? Online dating does have its own culture around it, including unspoken norms, expectations, and rituals people typically use as they meet and get to know each other. To succeed on dating apps, keep these top online dating rules in mind:

1. Create an authentic profile.

When making your profile, showcase who you are and be upfront about what you’re looking for from online dating. “Create an authentic profile that represents who you are as a person, the qualities you are seeking in a partner, and the type of relationship you ultimately want (e.g., marriage, short-term dating, etc.),” Manly recommends. “An inauthentic profile may deter potential partners or, on the other hand, attract partners who aren’t a good fit.”

2. Don’t lie about your age.

It may seem like a small fib, but lying about your age sets up any relationship you form on a foundation of dishonesty. When this person finds out your real age—and they will, eventually—it can feel like a massive betrayal of trust.

This also includes using up-to-date photos. “Take care that your photos represent you as you are now; avoid using photos taken more than two years ago,” says Manly.

3. Take some good photos.

Speaking of photos, take some good ones if you don’t have any already! “Make sure that your profile pictures represent you in a positive, upbeat way,” Manly recommends. “No matter your age, a warm and smiling face is always inviting.”

A few good rules of thumb are to take photos that are clear and high-quality (not blurry), without a lot of background clutter or other focal points (cats, children, etc.), she adds. You should be the focus of these photos.

4. Take initiative.

Don’t be afraid to send out introductory messages to people you’re interested. This applies to people of all genders, too. In the world of dating apps, being assertive and engaged is the name of the game. When people are sifting through so many profiles, the people who stick out are the ones who go out of their way to start up conversations, respond in a timely fashion, and generally make you feel special.

5. Meet in person sooner rather than later.

“Although it’s important to connect via messaging or phone until you feel comfortable, don’t delay and in-person meeting for too long; what feels like a great connection online doesn’t always translate into a great real-life fit,” Manly says.

6. Be patient.

Just like good ol’ fashioned courtship from the days of yore, online dating takes time. It takes time to get your profile to a place that feels thorough and authentic, it takes time getting the swing of online dating culture, and it takes time to find someone who you’re interested in getting to know who’s also interested in getting to know you. Not every interaction you have on a dating site or app will blow your socks off, and you’re not going to feel sparks on every first date.

“Be patient and persevere,” Manly says. “It’s natural to find online dating a bit daunting, but there’s a great deal of truth in the old axiom that you sometimes need to (metaphorically) kiss a lot of toads to find the right partner.”

7. Enjoy the process.

You’ll get the most out of your dating experience if you go in with an open mind and a light heart. There’s so much joy, excitement, and curiosity to be had in getting to know an intriguing stranger and galivanting about town for dates. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself (or anyone you meet), and enjoy the process. Even when you encounter people who are not the right fit, gracefully let them go, keep your head up, and keep it moving.

How to stay safe when online dating as a senior:

Practicing online dating safety is vital for everyone but especially for seniors, who may be more likely to be targeted by scammers and frauds. While online dating scams can take many forms, one of the most common is someone matching with you with a very desirable profile, enthusiastically connecting with you, and then asking you for money in some way or form.

“Although some issues can be detected by staying aware, there are dating charlatans who are so practiced that it’s difficult to detect their toxic ways early on,” Manly notes. “If you get scammed, know that it’s not your fault. Use the experience to improve your dating savviness.”

Here are a few safety measures to adopt while online dating:

1. Never transfer money to someone you haven’t met in person.

Many online dating scams involve getting you to send money to a person you think you’re developing a romantic connection with. For example, a person you’ve been talking to from a dating site or app suddenly says they’re having a financial emergency and asks if you can help them out by wiring them some money, putting money on a gift card, or sending some cash through Venmo or PayPal. Don’t fall for it. If anyone asks you for money before you’ve even met in person, it’s likely a scam.

2. Protect your personal and financial information.

Never share any personal information that can be used to access your finances or identity, such as your:

  • Banking information
  • Credit card information
  • Social security number
  • Work or home address
  • Last name
  • Phone number

Yes, it’s recommended to keep even your phone number private until you’ve met the person in real life or at least had a video call to confirm that they are who the say are. Until then, keep communication on the dating app or site where you originally connected.

3. Screen your matches carefully.

When you match with a new person on a dating site, Manly recommends screening their profile and messages very carefully. According to the Federal Trade Commission, scammers will often say they’re currently traveling abroad or otherwise have a job that prevents them from meeting up with you in person, such as working on an oil rig, being in the military, or working for an international organization. They may also use disjointed language, answer questions vaguely, or have profiles on various dating sites under different names.

“Pay close attention to details that don’t match up,” Manly adds. “Don’t hesitate to report any suspected fraud; customer service staff are generally very helpful and supportive as they want to protect consumers.”

4. Set up a video call or meetup early.

Try to meet up in person or at least hop on a video call sooner rather than later after matching with someone on a dating app. This way, you can make sure the photos match up to the person you’re meeting in real life. If a person keeps avoiding meeting up with you in person and refuses video calls, that’s a red flag.

5. Be wary of love bombing.

Love bombing is when someone starts to becoming way too romantic and affectionate with you way too soon. This is usually done to make you feel closer to them and make you more likely to acquiesce when they make requests for money or private information. Be wary if someone seems overly attached to you before they’ve even had a chance to meet you in person.

6. Meet up in public places.

You’ll also want to keep safety in mind on any dates you go on from a dating app, but especially first dates. Manly recommends picking a public place such as a coffee shop, as these are generally safe and have other people in the vicinity.

7. Designate a safety buddy.

Manly recommends leaning on a trusted friend or family member who can help you vet profiles and people objectively. When you’re going on a date, let this person know who you’re meeting, when, and where, so they can keep tabs on you and make sure you get home safe.

The takeaway.

Online dating works for people of all ages, including seniors. They can be an excellent way of widening your dating pool, especially if you don’t have many opportunities to meet new people in your day-to-day life.

“It’s natural to want to meet a partner organically, but our social groups are often far more disconnected than they were even 25 years ago,” says Manly. “And although you might hear complaints or a few horror stories about online dating, there are plenty of successful matches that began in the online world.”

Exercise thoughtful online dating safety measures, be yourself, and be patient. You never know who you’ll meet.

Complete Article HERE!

How Sex Changed the Internet and the Internet Changed Sex

— An Unexpected History

By Samantha Cole

Samantha Cole has been a journalist for over 10 years, spending the last five reporting on tech, sexuality, gender, and the adult industry. She is a senior editor of Motherboard, the science and technology outlet for VICE.

Below, Samantha shares 5 key insights from her new book, How Sex Changed the Internet and the Internet Changed Sex: An Unexpected History. Listen to the audio version—read by Samantha herself—in the Next Big Idea App.

How Sex Changed the Internet and the Internet Changed Sex: An Unexpected History By Samantha Cole

1. The internet was built on sex.

Early modes of internet communication were predicated on, and popularized by, a desire for sex and romance. Bulletin Board Systems, the digital equivalent of public cork boards, were quickly popularized as places to access porn online. With names like SleazeNet, ThrobNet, and Pleasure Dome, many subscription-based bulletin boards were for trading images scanned from porn magazines or photos uploaded by amateurs.

But they weren’t all just for smut; they were also hubs of harm reduction, especially during the AIDs crisis and as a way for queer and marginalized people to find community and care in a time when coming out was even more dangerous than it is today.

On Usenet, a decentralized messaging system, people debated concepts of safe spaces and moderation. They fought over whether men should be permitted in women’s-only threads, and kept long-running threads about everything from politics to how have sex on a scuba dive.

In text-based multi-user domains, or MUDs people roleplayed as fantasy versions of themselves, and found love and loss. In one classic MUD legend, someone playing as an evil clown sexually assaulted other members of the chat, which threw the entire community into chaos.

“People fell deeply in love within these online spaces, met in person, got married, or got their hearts broken.”

In these systems, people grappled with how to define consent, abuse, and harassment. People fell deeply in love within these online spaces, met in person, got married, or got their hearts broken. Ex-lovers emailed administrators to ask to be removed from the chats, since seeing their former partners even through a screen was too emotionally charged. The desire to be seen and understood permeated these earliest predecessors of social media, and naturally, they often turned to the sexual.

2. The tech we take for granted was pioneered by sex.

Much of the technology used today was developed to build an internet devoted to sex and sex work. Browser cookies and user tracking were developed by online dating entrepreneurs and porn webmasters who wanted to keep track of who visited their sites so that they could advertise more effectively. Affiliate marketing, which makes a lot of the internet run today, was popularized by porn site owners who needed to make money from the thousands of people visiting their sites every day.

The JPEG was developed using a photo of a playboy centerfold named Lena, and her photograph was used as the test to standardize image processing for decades.

Webcams and web conferencing software were popularized by the earliest generations of cam models, who set up sites to sell a peek inside their bedrooms. Lifestreamers, who streamed their lives 24/7, no censorship, paved the way for today’s Twitch and Tiktok stars. Tech that was once used mostly for sexual intrigue we now use for business calls every day.

“Online sex tech pioneers are still crafting new ways to express themselves and capitalize on the internet’s insatiable desires.”

The founder of Web Personals, which was one of the very first online dating websites, claims to have invented the shopping cart and the tech that tracks users from page to page within a site.

Site subscriptions, members-only content, online credit card transactions, and advertising models—the list goes on, and online sex tech pioneers are still crafting new ways to express themselves and capitalize on the internet’s insatiable desires.

3. The internet transformed the porn industry.

The adult industry used to work very differently. Pre-internet, it was based on a studio system, where you typically had to have an agent, know a producer, or be located somewhere like LA or the San Fernando Valley. The production companies or the studios owned the rights to your images as well as all the video you shot with them.

This system also meant that buying porn required finding a store, browsing the shelves, and buying or renting a tape or magazine. These shops were very male-dominated spaces.

All of that changed with the internet and inventions like the webcam and user-generated content platforms like clip and cam sites. Suddenly anyone could break out and carve their own niche, retain ownership of their own content, vet clients through safer means, and work on their own terms, often without leaving home.

4. The internet transformed the sex toy industry.

The 70’s saw a revolution in women’s pleasure: people like Dell Williams, the founder of Eve’s Garden in New York City, and sex educator Joani Blank pioneered the notion of sex toys and orgasms as something healthy and worthwhile. Hitachi magic wands were sold at Macy’s and buying one is what inspired Dell Williams to open her own shop.

“More people than ever could safely browse, comparison shop, read reviews and chat about their interests, kinks, and fetishes.”

But when the World Wide Web came along in the late 80’s, the internet did for sex toys what it had done for porn: took an experience previously isolated to socially stigmatized spaces (like sex shops or adult video stores) and brought the shopping experience home. A wider variety of people could now access sex toys that were once out of their grasp. More people than ever could safely browse, comparison shop, read reviews and chat about their interests, kinks, and fetishes.

There has been a big destigmatizing effect as well. It’s a lot less awkward than it used to be to buy a sex toy, and it’s a lot less weird to talk to strangers about your kinks.

5. The future of sex online depends on us.

On the modern-day internet, sexual speech—including sex work, sex education, and expressions of sexuality outside of the heteronormative—are increasingly suppressed. Bad legislation like FOSTA (Fight Online Sex Trafficking Act) or SESTA (Stop Enabling Sex Traffickers Act), which passed into law in 2018 and conflated all sexual speech as trafficking, made it harder for anyone working in these industries or trying to build communities around sexual identity to exist online. Anti-sex groups are pushing for increased censorship and discrimination by mainstream platforms like Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter, under the guise of saving women and children from exploitation. Demonizing sex doesn’t solve abuse online—it makes it worse.

The pessimistic view is that things will continue to get more sterilized and censored online. The reality is that things aren’t getting more welcoming to sex, they’re getting more hostile.

If we want a future where sexuality, innovation, and safety co-exist, then we have to stand against discrimination of sex workers and marginalized people, and take control of how we want to exist online.

Complete Article HERE!

A history of the horny side of the internet

In a new book, journalist Samantha Cole digs through the rich history of sex on the internet, from BBS to FOSTA

By Russell Brandom

From the very beginning, people on the internet have been obsessed with sex.

That’s the argument laid out in a new book by journalist Samantha Cole, How Sex Changed the Internet and the Internet Changed Sex. Cole digs through early internet history to show how sexual content and communities were part of the internet from its earliest days and had a profound effect on how the online space deals with identity, community, and consent. From identity play on early bulletin board sites to the rise of online pornography as an industry unto itself, Cole makes the case that you can’t make sense of the internet without sex — even if today’s major platform companies would like to.

Content note: This interview describes multiple sexual practices in straightforward language. Readers who are uncomfortable with these topics should use discretion.

The book makes the case that sex was a fundamental part of the internet from the very beginning. Why do you think that is?

It’s just such a part of human nature to want to connect as deeply as possible to other people, whether it’s online or not — and the internet opened up a new venue for that. Suddenly people could be whoever they wanted to be. They could take on these personas that were different from who they were away from the keyboard. They could express themselves in a way they never had before. For a lot of people, that branches out into sexuality almost immediately.

“What level of reality do you want to experience through the internet?”

It’s interesting reading those old message boards where people describe themselves as mythological creators or blobs or whatever they wanted to be. Then they would have these really deep, interesting, philosophical conversations about love and sex and relationships. In many cases, they would meet up and go on dates after that. Sometimes they got married and had kids. I say in the book, there are real people walking around who only exist because these bulletin board systems connected their parents.

There’s an immediate security concern there because you have people adopting pseudonyms to share information that’s otherwise really private. But it seems like, at this stage, the internet didn’t have a ton of tools for keeping your identity private.

Right — just to get in the door of a BBS like this, you had to call someone on the phone and give them your name and credit card info. So it was tangibly personal between you and the admin. Once you were inside, a lot of them would let you use whatever name you wanted, but there were other communities that would demand you use your name. Others would have you put your email address at the end of every post so people could contact you directly. It’s an interesting divide: what level of reality do you want to experience through the internet? But the more sexualized communities really emerged when people were using the internet to pretend to be something they wished they were or wanted to try.

How much does this change when you get into the contemporary internet, built on companies like Google and Facebook that are able to treat sexual content very differently?

It gets really complicated when you go from a single person running their hobbyist bulletin board scanning Playboy pictures to this huge machine of moderators making decisions. People can get really frustrated not having a central person to talk to about what’s happening on this platform that is a big part of their life. So that definitely has been a huge shift. We have these huge monopolies that are just running the show for us now, and it’s hard not to feel like you don’t have any of that control left.

“The conversation is getting more heated because everyone has a stake in it.”

At the same time, these companies are now beholden to payment processors and banks, and so they have to push all of this stuff off of their platform, in many cases, because of those financial obligations. So just seeing that change, it’s hard not to imagine the internet is going to keep getting more sanitized and less sexual.

You describe a lot of early moments of sex panic in a way that seems very similar to what we see now — but then, in other places, the internet seems to have made people more accepting. Do you think the conversation over moderating sexual content is changing?

People are definitely more aware of the legal landscape. If you asked the average person in the late ’90s if they knew about something like the Communications Decency Act, they would have no idea what you were talking about. But now, lots of people have real opinions about Section 230 and are really read up on this stuff. It’s all a lot more visible, and the conversation is getting more heated because everyone has a stake in it. You have so many more people relying on the internet for their jobs, sexual or not. So people are paying attention now in a way that they haven’t been in previous decades

What about the second part of the title, how the internet changed sex? All through the book, you can see people getting turned on to new things or exploring themselves in ways that wouldn’t have been possible offline. Do you think the internet has made our sex lives more specific or extreme?

I think having access to communities of like-minded people can really be world-changing. I researched a lot about fetish and kink communities, and for a lot of people, before they found those communities, they thought they were the only ones. So it’s been really interesting to see that grow up with the internet. Suddenly, you have thousands and thousands of people reading forums about their specific fetish and talking about what they’re into and why they’re into it.

One thing that really surprised me was these forums about how to suck your own dick. People were just trading tips and advice about how to do it, exercises to do. You would never have access to that kind of information without the internet because, first of all, you would never say it out loud to someone, just hoping they were into it. But suddenly, you have access to all these people all over the world who are like, “Yes, I want to trade advice about how to suck my own dick.”

That one was actually too vulgar for the book.

Do you think the internet is creating these desires or just making it safe to express them?

It can be hard to tell. You can definitely discover something new that you didn’t know you were into. Or you might realize you were into it all along, and you didn’t know it.

One of the stories I wrote recently was about people who were into blueberries and blueberrification. A lot of them were into this because they had watched Charlie & the Chocolate Factory when they were kids and said, “Oh, that made me feel a way,” and carried that with them for years without telling anyone. Then they get online, and they see there are a lot of people who also feel this way. That’s a transformational change. It’s not just, “I found this thing I didn’t know I was into,” but also “Now I can really express myself and buy a blueberry suit because I see other people are doing it, too.”

Having that community makes you feel less weird. It’s less isolating. I think that’s a huge part of why people have so much shame about their sexuality and their porn use. They feel like they’re the only one who wants this. When you find out you’re not the only one, that can be revolutionary.

Complete Article HERE!

It’s Possible To Learn How To Get Better at Dating

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Folks who feel they haven’t had much luck in the world of dating might well wonder whether they could do anything to get… better at it. But since adjectives like “good” and “bad” are subjective, there’s no universal agreement about what it means to be good at bad or dating. That said, there are some generally agreed upon guidelines that can help you level up your game to find a perfect mate, if that’s your goal.

“If you are mindless, manipulative, and bad at communicating, you are bad at dating,” says Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, associate professor of human communication studies at California State University, Fullerton, and sex and relationship expert. “Meanwhile, if you’re mindful, communicative, and authentic, you’re pretty good at dating,” she says.

But how do you bring your most communicative, authentic self to the dating game? Ahead, find the top expert-backed tips for doing just that. Get ready to be a top-tier dater in no time.

1. Figure out what you want

There are any number of reasons someone might be dating, and only one of those reasons is to meet someone to marry. These reasons include exploring their sexual orientation, finding a secondary or tertiary partner, and meeting people in a new city, to name just a few. “It’s so important to be honest with yourself about what you want, because otherwise you won’t get what you actually want,” says mental health professional and relationship expert Jor-El Caraballo.

“It’s so important to be honest with yourself about what you want, because otherwise you won’t get what you actually want.” —Jor-El Caraballo, relationship expert

To distill your answer, simply ask yourself, “What do I want?” Your answer to this question will guide how you approach dating, including what apps you download (if any), what you put in your bio (if applicable), and how you respond when a potential partner asks you what you’re looking for.

2. Get realistic

Beyond figuring out what you want to gain from dating, you need to ascertain how much effort you’re willing to put into it, says Caraballo. After all, wanting to date and actually prioritizing doing it mindfully are not the same thing.

So, consider whether there’s anything in your life you’re willing to give up in order to dedicate more time and energy to dating. For example, are you going to exercise one day a week less? Will you spend less time on TikTok? There are only so many hours in the day, Caraballo says, so unless you figure out what you’re going to cut back on, you’ll have a tricky time adding in dates.

As for how much you’ll need to cut back elsewhere in order to date? Ultimately, it’s subjective, depending on the current demands on your schedule and the magnitude of your dating, sex, intimacy, and relationship goals. “You should put in as much time as you reasonably can to ensure that your dating life is helping you hit your marks,” says Caraballo. “Those looking for more stable or permanent connections would do well to invest more time into finding their right fit,” he says.

Of course, simply dedicating more time to dating won’t guarantee that you meet your dating goal (and, in fact, you might meet that goal without any extra time dedicated), but as with anything else in life, directing effort to an intention is a helpful means for achieving goals.

3. Listen more

People are often more worried about being interesting than they are interested, says Dr. Suwinyattichaiporn. The consequence of this is that in order to be interesting, you might not be listening well. This can lead to one person leaving a date feeling like they could write the other’s biography, while the other leaves without any information that would actually help them decide if they want to see someone for another two hours.

A little self-reflection will help you understand which of the two categories you’re more likely to fall into.

4. Do activities that you actually like

“Doing things on dates that you actually enjoy will make it easier not to get weighed down from dates that aren’t exciting or joyous,” says Caraballo. So while dinner and a movie and Netflix and chill may be popular go-to date-night plans, they don’t need to be your go-to date night plans.

If you’ve always wanted to try making pottery, do it with someone you’re interested in courting. And if you love wine-tasting on the weekend, see if you can find someone to join you. You could even invite a date to things you have to get done. For example, if your dog need to get walked, why not invite your right swipe to meet you for a dog-friendly hike or a hang at the dog park. Do you need to go grocery shopping? Why not invite your date to your favorite farmer’s market? Who says errands can’t be dates?

5. Actually meet up

If you’re just looking for a sexy pen-pal, having a text-only relationship is A-okay. But if you’re ultimately looking for an in-person relationship, Dr. Suwinyattichaiporn recommends trying to meet up ASAP. “Chemistry is different face-to-face than it is via text, so the sooner you know, the better,” she says.

If you generally prefer getting to learn more about someone before meeting up with them in person, she recommends FaceTiming the person or calling them on the phone ahead of meeting up. Both mediums will allow you to collect additional information so you can make an informed decision about whether this someone you’d actually want to meet IRL.

6. Ditch the old-school rules

As the saying goes, rules are meant to be broken. And as far as old-school dating rules go, nothing could be more true. So with regard to questions about how long you should wait to have sex or who pays for the first date, Caraballo says to ignore any preconceived notions.

“These dating rules are based on the idea that you must do things right, or you risk losing a potential suitor,” he says, adding that this simply isn’t true. The kind of person who is a good match for you won’t be turned off by things like the speed with which you text them back, for example. What does matter is that you communicate your expectations and ask the same of them: “That kind of vulnerability and courage is a fruitful ground for any kind of connection to grow and flourish,” he adds.

7. Be proactive about bettering your relationship skills

You know employers value go-getter employees, and according to Dr. Suwinyattichaiporn, your partners and potential partners will value that instinct, too. “People who are good at dating are proactive about constantly deepening the relationships that they’re exploring so that those relationships don’t get stuck,” she says.

“People who are good at dating are proactive about constantly deepening the relationships that they’re exploring so that those relationships don’t get stuck.” —Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, sex and relationship expert.

In practice, that looks like scheduling hang times in advance, actually planning dates, asking deeper questions, being increasingly vulnerable, and fostering deeper intimacy, says Dr. Suwinyattichaiporn.

8. Take a break when you need to

Put bluntly, dating isn’t always going to be super exciting and joyous, but it shouldn’t weigh you down, consume your energy, or send you into a spiral of hopelessness. “If you find that you’re starting to get disillusioned, it’s completely valid to take a break for two days or two months or however long you need,” says Caraballo. When you have the schedule capacity and emotional bandwidth to show up and be vulnerable enough to date another person, try again then, he says. The only timeline in dating that matters is your own.

Complete Article HERE!

It’s Never Too Late To Learn How To Sext

(If You Want To)

After my marriage ended, I immediately jumped into online dating—and I found myself knee-deep in salty exchanges. Figuring out how I wanted to respond took much, much longer.

By Nadine Araksi

I received my first dick pic on public transit, after dropping my kids off at school. I wasn’t even halfway through my latte. New to dating apps and dating in general, I’d been chatting with another recently separated soul. We were planning to meet for what would be my first date in 20 years when a pixelated icon appeared. As a safety precaution, I had to tap to actually open the picture, which should tell you a bit about what can happen in dating apps. I closed one eye and reluctantly opened the image, hoping​​ it was a puppy.

The photo that greeted me was later dubbed “the worst dick pic I have ever seen” by a millennial colleague, a self-proclaimed expert who had allegedly seen hundreds of them. I was livid. Yes, I’d been flirty, but I had not requested this. I replied with all-caps anger, then blocked him.

Unwanted dick pics aside, the bigger truth I had to face was how I wanted to participate in sexting culture. When I downloaded several dating apps shortly after my 17-year marriage ended, I was venturing into a brand new world I knew little about. I knew even less about how I would like to be treated in this world.

Does everybody sext now? In my experience, if you’re actively dating the answer is yes. As I’ve learned firsthand and also through my work as a coach supporting women through new life experiences, online dating and sexting are not all bad. A lighthearted approach to the latter can help you explore and understand who you are as a sexual being and allow you to connect with your desires. All it takes is the right attitude, some common sense and a willingness to push yourself, ever so slightly, out of your comfort zone.

What you need to know if you’re new to online dating

Prior to my divorce, I had not dated since the early days of the web. Unsurprisingly, perhaps, I was immediately shocked by the behaviour of the people I came across on apps. Men asked where I lived, what colour bra I was wearing and what my sexual appetite was—within moments of chatting. I felt unsafe and uncomfortable, but I convinced myself that I had no choice but to accept sexting as the price of admission for my search to find love and sex again.

Soon, I was having eight to 10 very flirty conversations all at the same time, via direct messages with different men in different dating apps. (I started out on Tinder before trying Bumble, Plenty of Fish, OkCupid and finally Hinge.) After two decades of sleeping with the same person, I felt overwhelmed. I also realized that I had some social conditioning to undo. Growing up in a traditional Armenian household and being taught about Christianity through Catholic school, I internalized stories that made me believe women should not own their sexuality and that wanting sex was shameful. Fast-forward to now, and sexting was everywhere. I was forced to confront my own apprehensions. Sure, I could choose to not use dating apps, but the bigger issue was that I did not know how to connect to my own desire. And so I decided to lean into sexting. Here’s what I’ve learned.

An illustration of a woman taking a mirror selfie in her underwear

1. You need to feel sexy before getting sext-y

Feeling unattractive after my separation, I knew I needed to feel better about myself in order to be flirty with other people. So I stood naked in front of the mirror every morning and tried to identify a body part I liked. I ordered lacy underwear sets. I began to post selfies on days I thought my outfit was cute or my hair looked good. The instant validation from friends, colleagues and admirers encouraged me to play with my new identity as a single woman, to claim space and to really start to see myself as beautiful again.

Another piece of advice: Practise texting sexy sentences to yourself through the Notes app on your phone. What would you ask for if you weren’t embarrassed, scared or feeling shy? Learning how to speak your desires is an essential practice for women who have traditionally suppressed their wants to be more agreeable to partners and authority figures.

An illustration of a couple kissing under a red umbrella

2. Trust yourself to figure out what feels right

My first foray into advanced sexting began after a lunch date with a sexy-accented European intellectual, whom I quickly dubbed El Profesor. We shared a kiss under umbrellas, and I was elated when he texted later that day to say he’d had a lovely time. Then he sent a selfie of himself looking dashing in a blazer. My curiosity was piqued. When he asked for a selfie in return, I quickly posed in my T-shirt, snapped and sent. A second selfie appeared, this time with his blazer removed, followed by the caption “Your turn.” Huh?

Panicked, I shut down the conversation. Later, I decided El Profesor could be my gateway to getting comfortable sexting. The next night, feeling a bit tipsy, I put on my best negligee, crawled into bed, took a deep breath and snapped some photos. Careful not to include my face, I sent a pic of my cleavage. Game on! Things progressed in surprising ways, with photos volleying back and forth. Did I enjoy it? To be honest, it wasn’t my favourite, but I felt like I’d ticked another sexual milestone off my rookie list. What I couldn’t shake was the feeling of shame. I’m a mom! What if my kids found these images? I quickly deleted the pictures and the exchange.

After our first sexting session, El Profesor’s “Wanna play?” requests came in night after night. I did not have enough outfits to play this game. More importantly, I realized I was performing. “I’m sorry, but I don’t think we’re a romantic fit,” I texted, feeling proud for being true to myself.

An illustration of a candle on top of a Jane Austen book

3. Be clear about what you’re looking for

Following a summer of first dates and sexy flings, I took a seriously long break. On my next round, sex was still a driving force in many conversations, but I had changed my approach. The photos I shared were fun but not salacious, and I was clear about what I was looking for: “You’re for me if you’re also looking for a Jane Austen–style slow burn in lockdown.” This helped eliminate those looking for instant gratification. I also began to pay attention to which conversations made me feel good, and which ones brushed up against what I now knew were my limits.

Getting comfortable with rejection, both giving and receiving it, is crucial when online dating. So often as women, we feel we have to be nice and placate the other person. But in online dating, the other person lives in your phone. A polite “No, thank you, that’s not for me” is a good way of telling someone their message didn’t land. If a bruised ego leads to persistence or insults, simply block and delete.

An illustration of the peach, heart and !? emoji

4. Sexting looks different for everyone

After six months of being single between spurts of dating, I met a man who helped me release my shame around desire and pleasure. After we’d casually dated for a few months, he texted one night to ask what I’d like to do on our next date, I responded with a cool “What were *you* thinking?” He sent back a parade of words so salty, I would be mortified if my mother ever saw the interaction. More racy messages followed. Receiving these texts thrilled me every time, but I still felt intimidated when trying to reciprocate. I wanted to write super-spicy comebacks, but it just wasn’t in my wheelhouse.

Despite the great sex and conversation, that relationship fizzled out. I fired up the apps yet again and soon fell in love with a man who was “just right.” Our sexting was playful; I would often burst out laughing and simultaneously be turned on. Returning his banter exercised a part of my brain that I had closed off for decades. Turns out, I’m pretty good at sexting with the right person—it was just a matter of figuring out what that looked like.

I have no regrets about my trial-and-error phase in the wide world of sexting; it made for lots of learning and some really great stories. I’ve discovered I’m not a Playboy photographer, nor a bunny, and that for me, my flirtations are best left for face-to-face conversations. I’m currently single again, but the next time I receive a sext, I’ll know how to respond in a way that feels true to me.

Four rules for safer sexting

1. Think thrice before sending.

The internet is forever. While you might trust the person you’re sharing with, it’s far too easy for the recipient to screenshot and share. This goes for texts as well as photos.

2. Consider disappearing photos and texts.

Apps like Instagram and Snapchat have a disappearing-photo messaging option. (But be aware that the receiver can still take a screenshot of the image.)

3. Lock it up.

Keep explicit photos “hidden” through your phone’s existing photo app, or use a password-protected photo album or app. This is especially important if your children have access to your phone.

4. Get a fake number.

Over time, you’ll get good at trusting your gut. Until then, consider paying for a fake number (also known as a burner) that you access through an app on your existing phone. Texts and conversations will remain within the app, which you can bury in a folder that your kids won’t look in.

Complete Article HERE!

5 Ways the COVID-19 Pandemic Has Changed Our Sex Lives and Relationships

By Kasandra Brabaw

There’s been a lot of speculation about how the COVID-19 pandemic would change our sex lives. At first, when people thought they were facing just a couple of weeks at home, there were predictions of a new baby boom. The assumption was that lots of people would spend their newfound free time having hot, passionate sex.

Then, when it became clear that quarantine would last a long time (and the pandemic would have a devastating impact), predictions of a divorce boom started rolling in — for the first time ever, people were stuck inside with their spouses, and maybe their children, without an escape. Surely that would lead to a lot of breakups. Finally, we had “hot vax summer.” Once the vaccines started rolling out, we once again predicted that people would use their relative freedom to start hooking up all the time.

But none of this actually happened. New data from theNational Coalition for Sexual Health and the Kinsey Institute looks at how American sex lives actually changed in the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic. For one, instead of igniting sexual fires, the pandemic cooled many of us way down. But it also seems to have strengthened relationships and encouraged sexual exploration.

Here are some of the ways our sex lives have changed since March of 2020:

1. People are having less sex overall

The survey finds that over half of Americans aged 18-35 reported sexual difficulties during the pandemic, including low sexual interest, mismatched sex drives with their partners, and trouble orgasming.

These results aren’t too surprising. There are a couple of big reasons people may have had less sex than they did pre-pandemic. For one, couples may have simply had less opportunity, says Justin Lehmiller, PhD, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute who led the survey and data analysis. The prediction that everyone would have lots of sex, overlooked couples who had children at home. With everyone home all the time and no way to get childcare, parents were likely hard-pressed to find time for sex. People who were in long-distance relationships also lost opportunities for partnered, in-person sex, as did people who were single.

But perhaps the biggest reason people saw a dip in libido or trouble orgasming is the stress and uncertainty COVID-19 caused across the world, says Raegan McDonald-Mosley, MD, an OB/GYN and CEO of Power to Decide. For a lot of people, stress and anxiety are big libido killers, and the pandemic gave us many, many reasons to be stressed. Millions of people lost jobs, many became part-time teachers in addition to stay-at-home parents, and all of us had to worry about ourselves or someone we love getting sick. So even though coupled up people had more time with their partners, they weren’t necessarily in the mood for sex.

“People’s focus was on survival, especially at the beginning when there was so much uncertainty about the level of infectiousness of the virus and how to protect yourself,” Dr. McDonald-Mosley says. Instead of sexual pleasure, many of us focused on basic needs.

2. Instead of a baby boom, there was a baby bust

The baby boom prediction isn’t exactly a new one. Anytime there’s a big storm that forces people to stay home for a while, people speculate about an influx of births. The logic makes sense—there’s a chance people will have more sex when stuck at home and, statistically, more sex should equal more babies. But this prediction ignores both the libido-killing stress of the pandemic and the existence of very effective contraceptives.

“If you look at the reasons why people have sex, having sex to have a baby is actually one of the least common reasons,” Dr. Lehmiller says. And it became even less common during the pandemic. Birth rates in the U.S. declined after the pandemic was declared a national emergency. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), there were 763 fewer births each day in December 2020 than there were in December 2019. With hospitals packed with COVID-19 patients, fears of catching the virus, and economic reasons like job loss, it’s not hard to see why couples would purposefully delay having a baby during the pandemic.

3. Couples are communicating more

Not everything about the way COVID-19 changed our relationships was doom and gloom. In fact, the data imply that many couples learned how to communicate more effectively during the pandemic. Instead of the predicted divorce boom, people figured out how to make their relationships work.

“The pandemic really tested people in ways they hadn’t been tested before,” Dr. Lehmiller says. “And it prompted a lot of people to have more meaningful conversations about their relationships and what they want.”

The survey showed that 47 percent of people in relationships increased their communication with partners to deal with sexual problems, as opposed to only 15 percent of singles. Of course, there were still breakups and divorces, but the overall trend for relationships was surprisingly positive. “It suggests that our relationships are more resilient than we give them credit for,” Dr. Lehmiller says.

Because society places so much shame on sex drive, whether you think yours is too low or too high, it can be really difficult to talk about your sexual desires or problems you notice in your sex life. It’s wonderful to see more couples speaking candidly. If you’re interested in talking to your partner or future partners about sex, the National Coalition for Sexual Health has put together a guide to thinking through sexual concerns and having the conversation.

4. People are exploring sex toys, lube, and kinks

One other silver lining for many couples, and some singles, was a push toward sexual exploration. The data shows that many people tried sex toys for the first time during the pandemic. “People got more sexually exploratory in a lot of ways,” Dr. Lehmiller says. Couples who could easily be together explored new forms of pleasure as well as having sex in new positions or new places, while singles tried virtual solutions like sexting and phone sex.

Those who tried new things were more likely to report improvement in their sex lives than those who didn’t, Dr. Lehmiller says. The data show that among people in relationships, 42 percent reported more satisfying sex lives during the pandemic, compared to 20 percent of singles. This may indicate that sexual exploration can be an adaptive way to maintain a healthy sex life during a stressful time, according to Dr. Lehmiller. Sometimes the solution is as simple as trying a new way or place to have sex or using lube or a sex toy for the first time.

5. Online dating is on the rise

As much as we hear about online dating, most Americans still haven’t tried it. As of 2020, only about one in three Americans had ever dated online, Dr. Lehmiller says. Yet, the pandemic likely added fuel to the trend. Dr. Lehmiller’s data finds that many people tried online dating for the first time during the pandemic.

“One of the things we saw in our Kinsey Institute data was that the nature of online dating is different now than it was before,” he says. People are having longer, more meaningful and intimate conversations online. Prior to the pandemic, many people used dating apps as a way to find someone to date, send a few messages, and meet up in person as soon as possible.

Now, people are taking the time to really get to know someone online first. There’s a rise also in virtual dates, which helps them test the waters before meeting someone in person. A virtual date has the benefit of being totally free and giving you an easy escape if you need it. “So I think the model for relationships going forward is shifting,” Dr. Lehmiller says. He sees a future where many people use virtual dates as a step between connecting online and meeting in person.

Complete Article HERE!

Do You Hide Your True Self While Dating?

When dating interracially, some Black people say that code-switching, a common practice of adapting the way they look, speak or act in different social settings, comes as second nature.

Remy Barnwell struggled with being her authentic self when she first started dating her boyfriend Ben Podnar in 2020. She concealed her afro for 6 months before sharing her natural hair texture with Mr. Podnar.

By Brianna Holt

Last September, when Remy Barnwell, 26, started dating Ben Podnar, who is white, she was hesitant to wear her hair in its natural state. As a Black woman, she was uncertain of how he would respond to her tightly coiled strands.

On her first date with Mr. Podnar, Ms. Barnwell, a tax attorney in Washington, D.C., arrived wearing box braids that concealed her natural Afro. Six months would pass before she let Mr. Podnar see her kinky coils.

“I definitely noticed the first time she took her braids out and I remember her being very concerned about how I would feel,” said Mr. Podnar, 29, an audience development director for the Center for American Progress in Washington.

Ms. Barnwell, who said straightening her hair since childhood “reinforced the idea that my natural hair was not enough,” was pleasantly surprised at Mr. Podnar’s response to her Afro. “At first I was really nervous, but he was immediately obsessed with it, which was a relieving and satisfying moment,” she said.

“I know a lot of people in her life have criticized her tight coils, so it’s especially been nice getting to see her feel that attraction from me no matter how she wears her hair,” added Mr. Podnar, who said he likes all of the different ways Ms. Barnwell styles her hair.

Hair isn’t the only thing Ms. Barnwell said she has toned down when getting to know someone who is not Black. She won’t play soul music, wears clothes that don’t expose her curves and avoids using African American Vernacular English, commonly known as Ebonics, in conversations.

“I also wore my Birkenstocks to my first date with Ben, which I’d never wear on a first date with a nonwhite man,” Ms. Barnwell said.

The alteration of hairstyles, clothes, and interests in order to gain social acceptance and limit the risk of falling victim to bias is a form of code-switching, a term that refers to the common practice of adapting or altering speech, dialect, look or behavior depending on the social setting.

Ms. Barnwell and other Black people say code-switching is common when they date interracially because first impressions determine if a second date is in the cards.

Joseph Lamour, 38, a journalist and illustrator who lives in Washington, said it wasn’t until a white boyfriend confronted him about his change in vernacular that he realized he altered his speech.

“We were driving to Boston and got a little lost, so I asked a Black person on the corner for directions,” said Mr. Lamour, who is Black. When he rolled his car’s window back up, Mr. Lamour said his then-boyfriend, a white man, asked why his voice changed when he spoke to the man. “I hadn’t even noticed I did it, but then he did an impression of it and it all came full circle,” he said, and added: “It’s kind of like a job interview where you sort of make yourself more corporate-sounding in order to seem more standard so that a second date can happen.”

Mr. Lamour, who said he mostly dates white men, later realized he code-switches in other ways when meeting someone who isn’t Black for the first time. “When I’m going on a first date, I consciously put on clothes that make me appear to be a Don Lemon-type instead of a 50 Cent-type — even though I have both types of clothing,” he said.

For Black people and other minority groups, code-switching is a way of existing within multiple worlds at once by repressing their authentic selves while playing up behavior seen as acceptable by a majority.

While a person of any race may adapt their authentic self to make a good impression on a date, this switch in behavior is often more prominent in interracial or interethnic relationships.

“The greater the perceived distance, cultural difference, or racial difference between the two people involved, the more code switching is likely to occur,” said Kathleen Gerson, a sociologist and professor at N.Y.U.

Breuna Westry, 24, who lives in Austin, Texas, and works as an assistant marketing director for Clinical Compensation Consultants, said she mostly dates white men. Originally from New Orleans, Ms. Westry, who is Black, said she uses a vocabulary that is authentic to the Black community in her hometown. However, she said she consciously changes her vocabulary when going on a date with someone who isn’t Black.

“The slang is ingrained in me. I say things like ‘yes’m’ which is a total Southern, Black country term,” Ms. Westry said. “But sometimes I feel that I wouldn’t necessarily use certain phrases around the white guys I date.”

She said her mother’s use of Southern slang has also made her anxious about introducing her family to that of a prospective partner who isn’t Black.

“My mom is in her 60s and old-school, from Mobile, Alabama,” said Ms. Westry. “She feels comfortable in the way that she talks and I would never want somebody to judge her intellect level or anything based on that, because my mom’s a smart nurse.”

In the United States, the application of code-switching outside of linguistics is historically and culturally Black.

In his book “The Souls of Black Folk,” first published in 1903, W.E.B. Dubois described such behavior as “a peculiar sensation, this double-consciousness, this sense of always looking at one’s self through the eyes of others, of measuring one’s soul by the tape of a world that looks on in amused contempt and pity.”

But it wasn’t until the 1970s that Black academics began using the term code-switching to describe their interactions and relationships with white people.

Shan Boodram, a Los Angeles-based sex and relationship educator, who is Black, Indian, and white, said many Black Americans see code-switching as an obligation, rather than a choice.

“Code-switching is speaking specifically to Black people who have to assimilate, or feel that they have to assimilate, to white culture in order to receive success,” Ms. Boodram said, including “a romantic potential with somebody” who is white.

“There are so many negative stereotypes associated with blackness: if you dress a certain way, look a certain way, or if your hair is a certain way, you get lumped into what is perceived as ‘urban culture,’ and that’s not seen as professional,” Ms. Boodram added. “And maybe for some people, that’s not seen as the person that you want to bring home to mom.”

Black women in particular resort to code-switching when dating because of the bias they often face, a result of being stereotyped as angry and discontent, hypersexualized and lacking positive representation in TV and film. This bias has led to Black women being the least contacted on dating apps and facing the most racial and sexual discrimination in online dating settings.

“If we’re talking about interracial dating, specifically about Black women, they might ask, ‘Do I feel comfortable with showing myself to this person that maybe has their own preconceived notions about Black women? Is there some eroticism or thoughts around what it means to date me as a person?’” said Camille Lester, a relationship therapist based in New York, who is Black.

“Everybody, when they’re dating, puts on some type of mask and then the longer you’re with someone, or the closer you allow yourself to get, you take off pieces of that mask,” Ms. Barnwell said, adding: “It’s especially difficult to take off pieces of that mask when you’re a Black woman because we’re already the least appreciated.”

While code-switching might be the thing that gets someone a second date, those who acknowledge doing it said it wasn’t a long-term strategy. Mr. Lamour said that, lately, he has been interested in dating only people who are comfortable with his authentic self.

“I’ve been getting more comfortable with myself and therefore the person that I’m going to be with is going to have to be comfortable with me, because I am,” he said.

Ms. Barnwell had a similar realization. “I finally got to a place where I didn’t really want to spend the time or money to get my hair braided again,” she said of the moment she decided to let Mr. Podnar see her natural hair. “I was like, ‘OK, am I going to let my white boyfriend see me with my Afro?’ And I really had to tell myself this was dumb, and if he sees me in my Afro and he hates it, then we simply should just break up.”

Complete Article HERE!

Here for a good time or a long time?

Dogs in dating profile photos reveal men’s commitment levels

By

Men and women who are seeking relationships online are asked to indicate what they want in a relationship, whether they are seeking “just friends,” “uncommitted relationships” or “long-term leading to marriage.” There’s an art to creating profiles, including uploading photographs to prompt a potential mate to indicate interest.

People can describe themselves and their ideal relationship in a wide variety of ways, sometimes less than honestly, including exaggerating characteristics that they think are desirable. Most people do not dramatically lie, however. Instead, they use minor deceptions or small exaggerations.

Altering photos by using filters is a common way to improve one’s portrayed physical appearance. However, online dating companies have been taking a hard stance and not permitting photos that have been filtered or altered on profiles because the wide majority of daters find the use of filters deceptive. Presumably, then, online daters provide photos that are accurate and speak to their interests and intentions.

Looking for commitment?

My colleagues, Mackenzie Zinck and Laura Weir, and I examined online dating photos in July and August 2020 in Nova Scotia. We looked at 250 women and 250 men seeking long-term relationships, and 250 men seeking short-term relationships. We did not include women seeking short-term relationships because there were only 46 in the entire province advertising this intention; we did not have any predictions about the content of their photographs, so we omitted them from the main study.

We predicted that men seeking long-term relationships would include images of dependants — children or dogs, cats or other pets — more than men seeking short-term relationships, and more than women. We argued that cross-sex mind-reading — the ability to imagine what members of the opposite sex are thinking when it comes to mating — would lead men to want to advertise that they can provide care to a dependant over the long term when they were seeking a long-term relationship.

Indeed, we did find that men looking for a lasting partnership were more likely to include images of children or dogs (or mention them) in their profiles than men seeking short-term relationships.

a woman holding a phone sits on a boardwalk with a man and a dog
Men who included dogs in their online dating profile photos were more likely to be interested in a long-term relationship.

Women, though, surprised us.

We had predicted that women would be less likely to show dependants because they would want to avoid being considered a burden, or that another man’s child would need care and time. We thought women would feel a need to protect their children, or at least not display them from the outset in a public venue among strangers.

Instead, we found that both men and women seeking long-term relationships showed dependants relatively equally, although men were more likely to show a dog, and women a child.

Photographic research

Studying photos of online daters is not new. A decade ago, my students and I analyzed the photos of 300 online dating profiles in terms of the types of relationships men and women were seeking. Women, regardless of the type of relationship they sought, consistently smiled more than men, wore less clothing and revealed more skin.

Meanwhile, men were consistently more likely to have grey hair, use an upward facing camera angle (potentially to make themselves look taller and broader-chested), flex their muscles and use an outdoor setting. Men seeking long-term relationships were more likely than any other group to wear eyeglasses, especially compared to those seeking an intimate connection. People seeking short-term, primarily sexual relationships rarely included other individuals in their photos, compared to those looking for dates or long-term relationships.

A woman's hand holds a phone showing a photograph of a man wearing glasses and a black muscle tee
Men were more likely to flex their muscles in photos uploaded to their dating profiles.

Why dogs?

What is novel in this current work, though, is that dogs are so commonly displayed compared to other animals by men seeking long-term relationships. One possibility is that cats, the next logical choice, are often equated with femininity. Men who pose with cats are perceived by women as less masculine, more neurotic and less desirable.

What does this mean? When deciding which photos to select for an online dating profile, there are advantages to thinking carefully about image beyond mere physical appearance. What our findings show is that online daters offer insights into their values, and how they spend their time, by what they include (or omit) from their profile photos.

While sex appeal is certainly a noteworthy goal in online dating, so too is communication. If someone is showing dogs or children in their photos, they are communicating their interests in a way that does not match a display of a bare chest, which may be about advertising physical strength, potential fitness and sexuality.

Indeed, most men think women like that sort of photo, but the vast majority do not. Likewise, men posting photos of their expensive vehicle, perhaps hoping to signal wealth and status, often find themselves shunned by women, at least on Tinder.

Dogs, in contrast, are different, reliable, require responsibility and a safe inclusion that does not turn women off. They are not seen as a way of bragging, or showing a body that is so ripped it makes women feel they cannot compare. Perhaps men should think less about asking their “wing-man” to join them when looking for a date, and instead consider taking their dog.

Complete Article HERE!

How has the pandemic changed dating?

Here’s 7 tips for getting back out there.

By Lisa Bonos

The coronavirus pandemic flipped the dating world upside-down. Instead of the traditional after-work drink, singles experimented with virtual dates and masked walks. Any physical touch, even a hug, required a conversation first. Many daters self-quarantined for weeks just to have a meal inside with someone.

It was a lot of work, but those rigid covid-19 dating rules did provide a framework for seeking romance during a pandemic.

Now that about half of American adults are fully vaccinated, the traditional in-person first date is returning and many of us are clueless. “How to date” was the most searched phrase in D.C. last week, according to Google. Nationally, searches related to how to date are at a five-year high.

Is the video date still necessary? How do you seem interesting on a first date after being confined to the couch for the past 16 months? Is it okay to ask about someone’s vaccine status?

We spoke with singles and dating experts about how to adapt what we learned from covid dating to the new normal. Here are seven tips for getting back out there.

1. Virtual dates are still a thing. Even though she’s vaccinated and bars are open again, Julia Capeloto, a 39-year-old marketing executive in San Francisco, still insists on video dates before most in-person meetups. It helps her gauge someone’s personality and whether there’s physical attraction. That’s one pandemic habit she’s keeping.

“Before covid, I wasted my time on so many bad first dates,” Capeloto says. Lately, there have been “far fewer bad first dates because I’ve been able to talk to them before.”

2. Be upfront with your date and slow down. Having honest conversations with a potential partner has always been important, but the pandemic made such talks even more essential. Capeloto has noticed that her matches are more upfront about what they are seeking — a relationship, something casual or undecided. She’s found that directness refreshing and hopes it will stick around.

Capeloto says covid dating has also taught her to slow down. “You don’t need to go on two dates in one week with someone new. Take your time, get to know them,” she says. “At the end of the date, think about: Do I want to see this person again or am I just lonely and I want some companionship?”

3. Find a way to talk about your values. During the pandemic, asking how seriously someone was taking the coronavirus and social distancing rules gave us a shortcut to assess whether our values meshed. Some daters may feel lost without such clear litmus tests.

Alison Wellington, a dating and relationship coach in Brooklyn, suggests making a list of what you’re looking for in partner — no more than six nonnegotiable character traits. “If you don’t have a clear vision as to what you’re looking for in a partner, it’s going to be difficult for you to find it,” Wellington says.

Before a date, think about how to judge if someone has the qualities you’re looking for. If you’re seeking someone family-oriented, for example, Wellington suggests asking your date about their childhood, or how often they see or talk to their family

And conversations about vaccination status and covid anxiety are still relevant, she says. Even if both parties are vaccinated, Wellington says, it’s still a good idea to ask about what precautions your date still takes against the coronavirus. Basic questions about whether someone prefers indoor or outdoor dining “speak volumes to this person’s ability to be respectful and thoughtful with this person’s boundaries,” she said.

4. Keep the work talk to a minimum. Long before covid, matchmakers often emphasized that dates shouldn’t feel like networking dinners. After all, you’re auditioning someone for the role of romantic lead, not head of marketing. “If you start to go career-y on your dates, you’re friend-zoning. You’re taking the sex out. You want to talk about other things, like travel, hobbies and interests,” Patti Stanger, former host of the Bravo reality show “The Millionaire Matchmaker,” said in an interview. Try asking someone about the last book they read, concert or comedy show they attended — or what kinds of things they do with their friends. That way you can learn about the rest of their life, the part you might be spending with them.

5. Be curious about your date. Logan Ury, the director of relationship science at Hinge, has a motto: “Be interested, not interesting.” A lot of people try to entertain their dates by telling their funniest stories or talking about the cool trips they’ve been on. “But good dates are about connecting with another person, not showing off,” Ury writes in her book “How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love.” Ury suggests being an active listener, which can make somebody feel “interesting, desired and appreciated.”

How do you do that? Aim for “support” responses, Ury said in an interview, rather than returning the focus of the conversation back to you. If your date adopted a puppy during the pandemic, for example, ask why they chose the breed they did, or how the puppy training went — instead of telling them how badly you want a pooch. “By asking those support responses,” Ury says, “that person gets to dig into their own responses and that makes them feel really good in a conversation.”

6. Go ahead and be vulnerable on a first date. The heaviness of the pandemic had a way of stripping away any pretenses, making it harder for people to hide their true selves and easier to be open about their struggles.

This reporter has channeled that vulnerability into post-vaccinated dating. Recently on a first date, I erupted into tears over margaritas and appetizers — emotional spillover from a tough conversation I’d had earlier that day. My date handled it like a champ, moving to a seat closer to me, taking my hand and encouraging me to let it all out. He barely knew me, and yet his response was mature, accepting and understanding. It was as if we had been together for months. By the time we said goodbye, we both knew we wanted see each other again.

Being vulnerable doesn’t have to involve bursting into tears. Try asking your date about their toughest moments or who they leaned on most during the pandemic. People want to find somebody they connect with, and “being vulnerable is the way that you establish intimacy, through reciprocal self-disclosure,” Lehmiller says, adding that such openness “makes it more likely that something is going to arise out of that.”

7. Follow up. Lately, I’ve received some extremely thoughtful post-date messages telling me that it was nice to meet but that we’re not a match. In fact, Hinge’s Ury says the dating app’s users have reported that ghosting appears to be down these days. Writing a kind and respectful text thanking someone for their time, and highlighting one positive thing you gleaned about them, honors the time and energy you both put into meeting up.

Harrison Forman, a 29-year-old comedian and producer in New York, knows how it feels to be ghosted, so if he’s sensing a “friend vibe” after a first date, he politely makes that clear. The dating scene feels more direct these days, Forman says, with a no-loose-ends energy in the air. “You can’t come out of covid and live the same life.”

Complete Article HERE!